[theme music playing]
♪ Well, I don't know why I came here tonight ♪
♪ Got the feeling That something ain't right ♪
♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪
♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪
♪ And there's clowns to the left of me ♪
♪ Jokers to the right ♪
♪ Here I am stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
And finished.
How is it?
No, don't tell me.
Yeah, okay, tell me.
No, don't.
Yes, tell me. No.
Oh, God. Wait.
I thought you threw your Valivan out?
Found these in the couch.
Well, you should consider yourself lucky.
All Nick did was write a tell-all book.
Most husbands, the first thing they do when they get out of prison
is murder their ex-wives.
It's mostly about prison
and his relationship with that guy Tortilla Chip.
-Blowtorch. -Right.
Of course, there is a Grace chapter.
Oh, God, I'm gonna throw up.
But I can't waste the pills.
No, you come off really well.
In fact, you come off much better in this book
than you do in my book about you,
which is more of a complex portrait of a difficult woman.
Can we deal with Nick's book first?
So there's nothing that could embarrass me?
No.
Nothing that will horrify me or irritate me?
Well, there is one sentence that does strike the reader.
Just tell me the damn sentence, Frankie.
At the end of the Grace chapter...
which has a lot to recommend it,
Nick says,
"Ultimately, my relationship with Grace
was the one mistake I wish I hadn't made."
Ouch.
Yeah.
I wasn't expecting that.
But it can't be true.
Why would he say that?
Well, dramatically, it does work.
Oh, great.
You said the chapter had a lot to recommend it?
Oh, Grace,
the sex in it is amazing.
He wrote about our sex life?
Yes.
I thought you said there was nothing to embarrass me.
There isn't.
You come off like someone who's very, very good at sex.
And it's hard to write about that, but he does it really well.
That can't be Nick.
He must have a ghostwriter.
Well, whoever wrote it knows how to get a lady going.
The part when you and Nick have sex for the last time?
I need two scoops of that before I check out.
Frankie, I told you I kept getting whacked by his ankle monitor.
The sex that night was terrible.
I'm serious, Grace.
I need to experience intimate human touch
one last time.
Are you free tonight?
So my wife claims she's allergic to my semen.
-[crowd laughing] -I'm serious.
Takes two Benadryl before oral sex.
And it works.
She falls asleep every time.
But then we got pregnant
and baby came out good and everything.
So I'm not buying her sperm allergen theory.
I'm starting to think what she's actually allergic to is blow jobs.
And...
[crowd laughing]
...who can blame her? Nasty business, that.
-[cell phone ringing] -Oh!
Oh, my God, my wife is actually calling right now.
And she thinks I'm at the gym,
so if everybody can just shut up real quick?
Thank you very much, everybody. I'm Bud. Have a good night.
Oh, my God.
Dude. I can't believe it,
but you're, like, super fucking good at this.
-Amazing, man. -Thanks.
-But we gotta get the hell out of here. -No, no, no.
Mingle with your fans.
The lady sitting next to me, she almost fell out of her chair.
Thank you very much.
I wasn't joking about Allison thinking I'm at the gym, and I went on late,
so I'm sure she's wondering where the hell I am.
Why does your wife think you're at the gym?
If she finds out I'm doing stand-up, she'll kill me.
She thinks I'm happy being the funny lawyer at the office.
It is tricky, careful work lying to the women who love us.
I'm totally here to cover for you should the need arise.
Well, it's arisen.
I also told her you're my trainer.
What? Why?
-Make it more believable. -Believable?
No, everybody knows I am an excellent motivator
and in impeccable shape.
And you are not.
What are the results?
Are you bulking? Are you cutting?
-Like, what are you even doing right now? -I'm lying to my wife. You're gonna help.
You have a workout with her tomorrow at 9:15.
Come on.
Hi, Jacob.
Maybe this sounds weird,
or maybe it's weird that it's not weird, but it's probably weird.
Are you still living in Santa Fe?
'Cause I'm sort of looking for one last roll in the hay,
and as I recall, you were always a lover with extraordinary gifts.
I'm sorry, I have who here?
Ask me what I'm wearing.
Okay, fine. I'll have an order of the Szechuan dumplings,
the tofu lo mein and...
what are you wearing?
Hello? Ping?
Hi. Sol?
Um...
Never mind.
[cell phone chiming]
Never mind, I said!
It is my understanding that the Constitution of the United States
allows everybody the free choice between...
Between--
Shit!
Between freedom and death.
"Between cheesecake and strudel."
Really should have gotten that one.
Maybe if I had some cheesecake.
Robert!
It came!
It's here!
Sol, my love,
can we address
what I'm sure is a beautiful shark-tooth necklace a bit later?
I'm having a hell of a time with these lines.
Funny you should mention that.
I think I can help.
Meet the QX17G.
Are we really back on this earpiece-app-phone-thing?
It's state-of-the-art!
I'll be able to hear everything you hear and respond with your lines in real time.
Honey, we barely have command over our toaster,
let alone something that appears to be on loan from the CIA.
All you have to do is put it in your ear,
tap once to turn it on, twice to turn it off. Cinch.
I don't know, Sol.
It feels inauthentic.
You know how seriously I take my craft.
Oh, please. All the pros do it.
Robert De Niro, Jack Nicholson, Scott Caan.
Is it comfortable?
Oh, my God, I can hear you.
I'm in the room.
[knocking on door]
Grace.
Nick.
Thank you for agreeing to discuss your tome.
I don't know what "tome" means, but then again, I'm not a writer.
H. W. Wallingford.
I'm a wordsmith.
The pen is my hammer,
the blank page, my anvil.
Fucking take it easy.
Just stand behind me.
-Here, sit. -My ghostwriter.
He's been following me around.
He doesn't grow on you.
I cannot believe how much you lied in that book.
I really did have a submarine race with James Cameron.
Who cheats, by the way.
I'm referring to the part
where you say our marriage was the one mistake you wish you hadn't made.
So you saw that?
Yeah.
And I'm now suing you for libel.
Well, I'm fairly sure that it's not libelous if it's how I feel.
It's not how you feel.
He does not regret being married to me and I can prove it.
Okay. Slow down.
Fine. Prove it.
You were happy when we were together.
Just 'cause it didn't end the way you wanted
doesn't mean all the rest of it was terrible.
-I disagree. -Oh!
-You can't disagree! -I just did.
The prison therapist said
-you can't tell me how I feel. -If he knew what he was talking about,
-he wouldn't be in prison. -He's not an inmate...
anymore.
Frankie, would you tell Nick how grateful he is
to have been married to me?
Oh, yeah, yeah, grateful.
Who are you, Bow-Tie?
H. W. Wallingford.
And you must be Frankie.
Hmm. I was hoping I'd get a chance to meet you.
I gotta tell you, you did a hell of a job on the sex scenes.
Oh. They say write what you know.
-But I disagree. -[Frankie laughs]
Is it just me
or could you cut the sexual tension in here with a spoon?
She's funny too.
How about if we stop beating around the bush
and try what's on page 43?
God, get out of here.
You're right. He doesn't grow on you.
Hey. Sup, dawg?
You ready to get swole?
I know you haven't been working out with Bud.
-How? -So you admit it.
What? No.
How, though?
Oh, God. You two are stupid.
First and foremost,
you've been working out every night for weeks
and the man is still sentient pizza dough. Plus, I track his phone.
Oh.
Drag.
Last night, he was at some bar called Goofy's.
I assume it's Disney-themed.
Which is weird. But not weird enough to lie about.
Okay.
Bud and I have not been working out together, obviously.
But I have no idea why he asked me to cover for him.
I don't believe you.
Look, there is no way that Bud would be at a bar, alone, late at night.
You know he doesn't like drinking around men.
He's scared someone will challenge him to darts.
Exactly.
And, you know, those tracking apps are always finicky.
Here, let me see.
He's probably at the place next door.
Yep. See? Holiday Inn Express.
Why would Bud go to a hotel?
I don't know. To get a hotel room?
Oh, my God.
It all makes sense.
It does?
Why would he get a hotel room unless he was--?
Is Bud cheating on me?
Uh...
You told my wife I'm having an affair?
What? No.
You're misunderstanding.
I implied it.
Look. Don't worry, okay?
I told her she cannot confront you unless she has hard evidence.
And since you're not having an affair,
there is no evidence.
You're off the hook. The plan is airtight.
What are you talking about?
This is a disaster.
She's gonna be watching me like a hawk.
I'll be a prisoner in my own home.
Which reminds me, you should know she's tracking your phone,
which means you'll be a prisoner outside your home too.
I'm so fucked.
You're fucked?
I lost two clients today.
Hey, Dad.
Hello, sweetheart.
I'm so glad the cheesecake is here.
And you.
Well, I just thought I'd pop by and bring you your cheesecake
in order to avoid my problems.
Yeah, I heard what's going on between you and Mal.
So you know it's bad?
Well, you have done many horrible things to her.
Granted, but this might be the straw that killed the horse...
or whatever.
I guess the straw is poisonous?
Why don't you just apologize?
Because I suck at it,
and if I'm going to apologize, I want it to work.
I wonder...
if you've thought about saying something
that draws on a lifetime of love and sisterhood?
Dad? Blink if someone made you say that.
See? It works.
What the fuck is happening? I don't like it.
I don't like it either.
Sol got me this ridiculous earpiece to help me with my lines for the show.
It'll never work.
-It just did! -Oh!
Who brought cheesecake?
-Dad-- -Pipe down, Robert.
We're not talking cheesecake right now!
I'm sorry.
What were we talking about?
Yes, I know it's hard to concentrate with cheesecake around.
That's right.
I've gotta stay focused. Excuse me.
Just tell Mallory she's your North Star
and the last thing you want is for her to be angry at you.
Then you tell her why you were wrong
and then tell her you've learned a lesson.
Great. You can just say that for me.
And maybe bring a bottle of cheap merlot with you.
That's not how it works.
What if you apologize with me?
This technology is for good,
not for evil.
Well, that's not been my experience with technology.
And true, we're deceiving Mallory,
but we're also helping me.
And isn't that the good-est thing of all?
Before we get started, I'd just like to ask you a few questions.
Sure.
Are you married?
Uh, only to my work.
Uh, any diseases I should know about?
Just diabetes.
Excellent.
Well, now that we got that out of the way,
I just love your little bow-tie.
Really?
-You know, most women do not-- -Let's have an experience, H. W.
One you'll remember for the rest of your life,
and one that I will remember...
for a week,
give or take.
Look, Frankie--
What else do I have to do? Are you gonna be my last hurrah or what?
Mm-hm.
Frankie, at my last book signing,
a gaggle of ladies accosted me with high hopes of a harem.
-Hmm. -Yeah.
And I'm gonna tell you what I told them.
That there's a motel across the street with handrails in the shower?
No.
No. What I told them was, "If you want to get in here,
then you've got to get in here first."
Tell me your story.
Get ready for a roller coaster,
because Frankie Bergstein has a hell of a life story.
[knocking on door]
Sol, you there?
That's an affirmative.
[sighs]
Hey, girl.
Ugh. What the hell are you doing here? Where's Dad?
He asked for a cheesecake.
Okay, you've been tricked. This is an apology ruse.
-What the fuck, man? -I know, I know.
And you have every right to be upset. Just please hear me out.
There's something I want to say.
Something I've needed to say for a long time.
All right, let's have it.
So for my whole life...
You've filled my heart with light and joy because you are...
My North Star.
And sometimes, it's hard for me to admit that.
And I know what I did with Stewie and the Eye Butter was...
Really wrong.
But I think when I do things like that, it's about...
My own lack of self-esteem?
And I just want to say...
That I love you...
And I'm sorry.
You are the wind beneath my wings.
Sol?
You went to Sol for coaching, didn't you?
Yes.
I did.
Because I wanted to get it right.
Because I care.
You... I knew you wouldn't quote Beaches unironically.
I mean, just for that, I forgive you.
I can't imagine how hard that must have been.
Right?
It is so annoying. It was like an apology from a Muppet.
So annoying.
The man was wearing a Joan Baez T-shirt and chef's pants the other day.
In public, unabashedly out in the world like that.
At least he wasn't listening to Joan Baez.
If I have to hear "Sweet Sir Galahad" one more time...
Have you seen the picture of Rachel Maddow he keeps in his wallet?
Which one?
And hey, I don't know if you've noticed,
but has he been a little short with Dad lately?
Yes. He's actually been kind of a prick.
A little while ago, he cut Dad off pretty harshly for, like, no reason.
I can hear you.
Crap.
You have to admit you were happy.
Oh, my God. Fine. Whatever.
You want me to cut that sentence so badly? I'll cut the sentence.
Great. Thank you.
You happy now?
No.
Why not?
Because I want you to want to cut the sentence.
I said I'd cut it. What does it matter?
Because you've been divorced three times,
you embezzled millions of dollars, you've gone to prison,
you've lost your company and your reputation.
How could I be the one mistake you wish you hadn't made?
Because none of those other mistakes hurt like this one.
Do you know how... humiliating...
it was to wake up every morning knowing...
that you loved Frankie more than you loved me?
To know that I wanted to share my life with you,
but you wanted to share it with somebody else.
So sorry if I consider that a mistake...
I wish I hadn't made.
The truth is, I knew I wanted to be with Frankie.
I also knew right from the start
I shouldn't have married you.
I'm sorry I hurt you.
I guess that was the one mistake I wish I hadn't made.
Grace, I'll change the stupid sentence. It's really not a big deal.
No, it's the truth.
But there is another sentence I would like to talk to you about.
Oh, Jesus.
How could you say that the last time we had sex it was great?
What are you talking about?
It was amazing.
Mind-boggling.
I didn't care for it.
You had such a big orgasm you knocked the Gaviscon off the night table.
It was a cramp.
I was low on potassium.
Why didn't you eat a banana?
I thought we had this wonderful, passionate last time.
It had a kind of...
a desperate feel to it.
I'd just gotten out of prison.
I think the desperation was two people...
trying to hold onto something they both knew was already gone.
You want to take another crack at this?
Sure.
I had bananas with my Total this morning.
That's weird.
Coyote told me to avoid empty carbs and dairy.
Must be on different programs.
I'm bulking up for the summer.
-Hi, hi. -Hi.
I don't mean to bother you.
I just wanted to say you were so great last night.
Oh.
You were together last night?
-Over at Goofy's. -I think you're confused, lady.
You didn't see me.
I sure did.
Nope. Must be the other Black guy in San Diego.
His name's Kevin. Go bother him.
Wow.
White people, right?
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
I swear, I'm not one of those-- I'm not a...
I'm so sorry.
No. I know what's going on.
And her, Bud? Really?
You're banging strange women who look vaguely like me
at the Holiday Inn Express?
Jesus Christ!
What? No.
You think my mistress would approach me in front of my wife at the grocery store?
I wouldn't date an idiot, babe. I'm a divorce lawyer.
Can you imagine the tricks I've learned over the years?
-This is how you're defending yourself? -No good?
-I was in Chicago in '68 during the DNC. -Right.
But I went to get a hot dog when all the shit went down.
Last hot dog I ever ate.
I knew the instant I saw him he was mine and I was his.
He was such a happy, talkative baby.
When he cooed, he sounded like a coyote.
Oh, it was really something.
We kept his African name, though.
Nwabudike.
I was too embarrassed to tell anyone I left the lens cap on
-when I was standing on that grassy knoll. -Well, okay.
-Ah. Frankie? -Yes, H.W.?
You're a wonderful woman.
I see that clearly now.
Skip to the end.
Okay, the end...
The end?
I'm not sure I have a really good ending.
Well, all the more reason to live life now.
Help me take my shoes off.
Oh, this is bad.
What, you're not good with shoelaces? That's okay. Neither am I.
No. I'm starting to worry...
that my life has built to nothing.
No, no, it's fine. You've lived a fine life.
I didn't want fine.
And now it's too late to change it.
The clock is ticking.
What? No, no, no, you're good.
I'm not.
I'm good, so let's go.
Oh, H.W., enough.
Nobody's getting laid tonight.
Okay, but you were lying about the working out.
I'm not, like, imagining that, right?
Okay, yes. I was.
But why?
I am so sorry.
And I promise I'm gonna leave you alone.
It's just that I'm a comedy manager
and I thought you were this comedian I saw at an open mic.
He was so funny and kind of sweet,
and I have to book slots for this Amateur Night that Jimmy Kimmel's doing.
But I am so sorry to both of you.
So embarrassing.
Um, you two have a good day.
Wait.
That was me.
I am that incredibly talented comedian you saw at Goofy's.
I'm Bud.
-What? -What?
Little bit more of a James Corden guy, but you can tell Jimmy that I'll be there.
Then why did you call me a racist when I complimented you?
To cover my lies to my wife?
Well, you're disgusting. Goodbye.
I can't read you right now.
Are you mad about the weeks of deception or excited about Kimmel?
Girls, I see you've brought cheesecake.
How about I order us a few pizzas, we make a cheesy night of it?
That sounds great, Dad, but I have four kids I have to feed.
And I have a bird I have to kill.
Okay, we'll do pizza another night.
Anyway, if you'll excuse us for just a minute, we have to talk to Sol.
Sol, your friends are here.
Glad to see you girls are back together again.
And all it took was a raucous referendum on all the ways in which I fall short.
Sol, we are so sorry.
We were just blowing off steam.
[Brianna] We didn't even mean the things we were saying.
I love Joan Baez.
And chef's pants.
That elastic waistband is everything.
Look.
I know I'm not your kind of guy.
I know you find me silly
and maybe even a little self-indulgent, fine.
But to borrow from La Cage, "I am what I am."
I just can't believe you think I mistreat my husband.
I love your father more than anything in this world.
And I'm the one who takes care of him.
The one who is going to take care of him.
No one is doubting that you love him, Sol.
But you have been pretty rude to him lately.
Brianna, I was trying to protect him.
He was repeating himself.
I didn't want you to notice.
That's just Dad being Dad.
And you're not curious as to why he needs the earpiece?
Please, he's always forgetting important stuff.
Like our names.
This isn't anything new, anything we need to be worried about.
I thought so too.
I thought so too, but...
Have you cheered up that sad sack yet?
I saw you brought cheesecake.
How about I order us some pizza, we make a cheesy night of it?
That'd be great, Dad.
-Whoa. -Yeah.
Now, that?
That was a last time.
So glad we ended like this.
And I hope, one day, you'll be able to see the good in our relationship.
I gotta say, this really helped.
Wow. That Frankie is a fascinating but confounding woman.
-H.W., write this down. -Okay.
"Ultimately, marrying Grace was the one mistake I wish I hadn't made.
-But I'd make it all over again." -[H.W. chuckles]
Uh, my death date is next Thursday,
and I'm realizing my life has added up to nothing.
I have no ending.
That's my cue.
["Catch Me I'm Falling" playing]
Dude.
Can you leave?
♪ So much is said about love ♪
♪ But not enough is said About the way you love me ♪
♪ Ooh, you love me ♪
♪ Catch me, I'm falling ♪
♪ Here comes the sun ♪
♪ Here comes the rain ♪
♪ Catch me, I'm falling ♪
♪ Another season ♪
-♪ Another new love ♪ -♪ Catch me, I'm falling ♪