[theme music playing]
♪ Well, I don't know why I came here tonight ♪
♪ Got the feeling That something ain't right ♪
♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪
♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪
♪ And there's clowns to the left of me ♪
♪ Jokers to the right ♪
♪ Here I am stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
Hey, girl.
You stoned?
No.
I'm just staring into the abyss that was my life.
That's my last painting.
I like it. It's minimalist.
Then it's perfect.
I've lived a small, insignificant life in the giant shadow of a skinny alcoholic.
Come on, Mom. Everybody's worried about you.
No one wants you to fake-die alone. Come back to your funeral.
Coyote's got a story you have to hear.
And it's all Frankie. Not a Grace in sight.
Is it the one about how Coyote and Jessica got together?
Yes.
Eh. That's not a great story.
I really just wanna be alone.
But you're gonna miss out on the big thing we're gonna do.
- What? - Oh, okay. Well...
I'm gonna tell you what it is.
Right now.
- Good news, she's coming down. - Okay.
Even better news, you're getting married today.
Hmm?
I'm so sorry, Sol.
No, no, no, it's not your fault.
It's just that...
if a night like that...
a night that changed our whole lives can be lost...
I'm afraid you'll lose the memory of me too.
Look, you're right. I have a problem.
We'll go see that doctor like you wanted me to.
I'm sorry I've...
been such a stubborn bastard about it.
You are a stubborn bastard.
[Robert laughing]
It was the only way I could get her to come down here.
- And she is officiating. - Ugh.
- I'm really not comfortable with this. - I know.
We should at least be able to pick our own officiant.
Rodman?
We choose Dennis Rodman.
You can do the real wedding later. This is just for show.
So the fake funeral is now a fake wedding?
Well, they make up fake holidays. It tracks.
Just do it. It's not real. And it'll make Mom happy.
Just like medieval times?
I promise, Jessica...
us getting married today means absolutely nothing to me.
This is your closing argument?
No. Um...
I just need more than one wedding to contain all my love.
Hmm. Good save.
Oh...
Eh.
- Sol, where's my flower confetti? - I'm on it.
How are we almost out of vodka? Doesn't Grace live here?
Go upstairs.
She has bathroom vodka, bedroom vodka, and upstairs-hallway vodka.
Something blue.
No.
- Something old? - [J-M] No.
Why the hell is everybody still here?
- The funeral's supposed to be over by now. - Well, the funeral is over, darling.
Frankie bailed.
Now we're trying a wedding to see if that's more to her liking.
Is the wedding real?
Unclear at this time.
Hey, hey, where are you going with my upstairs vodka?
Hey. So I just had a call with Taneth,
and it seems like there's been some downsizing.
Oh, Barry.
Are you single and jobless too?
No, no, no. My job's super secure, thank God.
But Mallory will soon no longer be with the company.
- Are you fucking kidding me? - No.
I was gonna quit in protest, but, well, I've had a lot of upheaval
- in my life lately. - Is this because I canceled
the eye butter? I will call Taneth and explain. Give me your phone.
- She won't answer it if she sees it's me. - It's not about the eye butter.
She just thinks Mallory is weak.
She said she's a weak leader.
Taneth is a vengeful monster.
And not in the good way.
Okay.
I will handle this. Just don't say a word to Mallory.
Right.
But I'm a terrible liar.
You should leave.
But then I have to have a lie for why I'm leaving.
Oh, my God, I'm spiraling out of control
- from all my poisonous lies and just... - Jesus. Barry. Just get out of here.
I'm just saying it's the responsibility of the bequeather
to tell the bequeathee what she's bequeathing him permission for.
You gotta stop that.
Okay? First off, I'm losing my hearing, and second, you're a grown-ass man.
The only one who can give you permission for anything is you.
You're right. I don't need to get permission.
- I give permission. - Yeah.
I'm the permissioner.
[laughs]
Hey, Allison.
Guess what.
I can do whatever I want. I can even quit my job.
Nope. You need my permission for that.
I'm not talking to you.
I wasn't talking to you before you weren't talking to me.
Well, that's impossible.
Because I just told you that I wasn't talking to you.
I couldn't tell you before because I wasn't talking to you.
Oh, I heard you bailed on your funeral.
I was overcome by all the beautiful things everyone said about me.
And just me.
You didn't even come up once.
Good. At my age, I always appreciate it
when my name isn't brought up at a funeral.
How did the meeting go?
- Did you happen to check your messages? - No.
It was great.
No, better.
Better than great.
But you left me a message. Why did you call me?
Well, to gloat, obviously.
I don't believe you, and I'm going to check my messages.
Now, if I can only find my phone
- before I pass away. - Oh, damn it.
All right, thank you.
We'll see you then.
- Who were you talking to? - My internist.
We've got an appointment to see him
and he's already given me the name of a neurologist.
And we should start talking about preparing our house
for what's to come.
We'll put up notes everywhere to remind me of things I might forget
like turning off the stove.
Then we'll watch Memento again and see how Guy Pearce did it.
And then we should make a plan for my future care
so the burden doesn't all fall on you.
Uh...
- I'm taking action. - I see that.
In fact, it seems you went right from denial straight to action.
- Yes, that's how it's done. - Mm.
- But then we miss the sad and mopey part. - Now you're getting it.
But that's the part I'm best at.
Hey there, you.
Hey, you okay? I was a little worried about you there for a second.
Oh, I'm fine.
That was just some kind of feeling spasm.
But...
thanks for the...
thing you did with the arms around me.
So, Mal, are you really happy at your job?
- What? - I mean, have you given any thought
to what else might be out there for you?
Why do you sound like an Herbalife recruiter?
I just think you're being wasted at Say Grace being Taneth's flunky.
Excuse me, but I am a flunky no more.
Okay? Upper management sees me as an in-command commander.
Right. But you're a creative person like me.
And people like us always end up getting overlooked
- in a corporate environment. - I don't feel overlooked.
I think you might soon.
So I should just quit my great job to do my own thing like you.
Ooh.
That's interesting.
Because you don't need Taneth.
You know what I think? I think you're miserable right now
and you're jealous of my success in a job you once had.
And now you just want me to be as miserable as you.
God.
You'll never be as miserable as me.
Just because it's an open bar doesn't mean you have to take advantage.
I'm not driving.
I live upstairs.
You may need someone to drive you upstairs.
Of course, always in the most logical place.
[Bud] Mom, the ceremony's starting and you're starting it.
Coming.
[Grace on voicemail] Frankie, pick up your damn phone already.
You know I can't get up there and sing without you.
And we have a chance to make this deal.
[Grace] What's that look?
This is my "well, well, well" look.
I thought it was your "I may have gas" look.
Uh, they are similar.
But this one is my "someone couldn't close a deal without Frankie" look.
Welcome, everyone.
Today we celebrate Coyote and Jessica's commitment to each other.
How'd you get this gig? You don't understand commitment.
Let us pray that Coyote and Jessica
will be real partners who always have each other's back.
Let us also pray that Jessica doesn't stab her partner in the back.
And that they will always be there for each other.
Like should Jessica find herself on her deathbed,
Coyote will think twice about abandoning her to go to a meeting.
What if Coyote's already abandoned by Jessica on the most important day
of their careers?
I feel like this back and forth
is a little disruptive to the flow of the wedding.
I'm sorry, wedding goers,
but Grace is just bitter because she found out that her career
can't sing on its own.
And I can never get you to stop singing.
But when I actually need you to, you're nowhere to be found.
The woman broke my karaoke machine and blamed it on her grandson.
You can blame kids for that?
It's frowned upon.
I hope you're happy that you went to your disastrous meeting.
Now when I die tomorrow, you're gonna feel double the terrible.
Oh, and when you don't die tomorrow, you're gonna feel double the stupid.
Oh, my death date is real, lady.
The only thing real about your death date is that it gave me panic attacks.
I'm sorry my passing upsets you.
It upsets me too.
Then how come you seem to handle it so remarkably well?
It's called acceptance, Grace.
Frankie, it's called relief.
I am not relieved.
Bullshit.
You're so eager to get out of here. You never once even questioned it.
You don't know all the questions in my head.
I do because you tell them to me. Every single one of them.
Yeah, well, I have a question of my own.
Why don't you wanna stick around for the real end?
What if I don't want all the shit that comes with the end?
- What are you talking about? - It's not death I'm afraid of.
I'm afraid to get sick and not be able to walk
or use my hands or any of the things that make me me.
Oh, big fucking deal.
So you can't use chopsticks anymore.
I can't paint either.
Oh.
[crackling]
Oh, my God.
We're dead?
Yes, and you killed me.
I knew it.
- You're my murderer. - See, this is why I'm not a hugger.
Nothing good ever comes from it.
But it was just supposed to be me.
Why are you here?
Because you always drag me to places I don't wanna go.
But unlike that Christmas play starring rescue dogs,
this time we are leaving.
Oh, yeah, you can leave because that's how heaven works.
Read your pamphlet.
It says, "If you have a problem, talk to your case manager."
Ooh, look at the food menu with two choices.
Anything or anything with cheese.
- I'm getting number two. - You let me handle the manager.
I could get out of that Cabo timeshare, I can get us out of this.
Why are you yelling?
I'm not.
Oh, my God.
I'm hearing like a newborn.
And my arthritis is like a newborn.
Don't get used to it, Frankie, because we're not staying.
Grace, it's okay if you need to go back.
But I've accepted my life is over.
You know, this is not the first time we thought our lives were over.
We were pretty sure we were done when our husbands left us.
But the only thing broken then was my heart.
And now my whole body is breaking and it's only gonna get worse.
Well, you don't know that.
You remember the first night at the beach house?
We couldn't imagine a future, let alone one that was better
than everything that came before, and we made that happen, Frankie.
Together.
Listen, I swear to you, we are not done yet,
and maybe, just maybe, the best is yet to come.
God, I wish you'd told me that before you electrocuted me.
Hmm.
[bell dings]
Are you supposed to knock on heaven's door?
[clears throat]
Well, hi, girls.
[Frankie] Oh, God.
You look exactly how I knew you would.
No, no. I'm not the Almighty.
Hardly. I'm Agnes.
Just a working-class angel.
Of course, I haven't had a promotion in 250 years,
but the benefits are heaven.
I just need to check your files
and I'll have you girls in your new homes in a blink.
Literally.
No, well, before you start blinking, you have to understand there's been a mistake.
- Yeah. - Oh, darling,
that's not the first time I've heard that.
Yeah, no, really, I'm not supposed to be here.
She's right. It was just supposed to be me.
Hmm. Let me recheck my paperwork.
You know what? You're right.
There has been a mistake.
That happens now and again.
But that's an easy fix.
While you have the stamp out, can you put "return" on mine too?
I'd really have to go back with Grace.
I'm sorry, honey, but that's not possible.
You see, your name is on the list.
No. No, you don't understand.
We're not good on our own.
No, and trust me, she'd be a disaster up here without me.
Oh, don't worry, Grace, you'll be back up here with Frankie soon enough.
And don't you go moping before you see your new art studio.
Now that you can paint again.
Look, Agnes, heaven seems great, and I know it'll be rough down there
and I won't be able to do everything I could before,
but if I can't be with Grace,
I'll be in so much emotional pain, all the cheese in heaven won't help.
Oh, bless your heart.
But rules is rules.
And it's time to say goodbye.
Oh.
I don't know how to say goodbye to you.
I don't want to say goodbye to you.
We haven't had enough time together.
I wish I knew you when I was a little girl.
Oh! I'd... I'd be a totally different person.
I love you, Grace.
I love you too, Frankie.
Hey, ladies.
Time's running out.
And I certainly can't tell you
to take this stamp here on the right side of my desk
and mark "return" on your paperwork.
I would never do a thing like that.
Excuse me, I'm gonna turn around for a minute.
- You thinking what I'm thinking? - Yeah, great chair. CB2?
Ladies. I can't stare into infinity forever.
Oh.
Are you ready?
Bye-bye, girls.
[all gasping]
- [Mallory] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Mom! - Mallory, help her!
[Bud] Holy... Oh, my goodness. Are you okay, Mom? Mom?
- We're fine. We're both fine. - [Bud] Are you okay?
A little jet lagged, that's all.
- How long were we out? - Just like two or three seconds.
That's it?
God, it seemed longer.
- I'm glad you're here. - Glad to be here.
But you're gonna have to speak up.
- Honey, it's okay. We should go. - I'll be right there.
- Dude, it's an Uber. - Okay.
Sorry.
It's just the happiest day of my life, and I want everyone to know it.
- Duh. That was the perfect wedding. - Yeah.
No family.
Get in the car!
- I love you. - I love you.
- Oh, okay. - Let's go!
[Coyote] We got married!
[school bell ringing]
I called you here today because one of our students, Acorn,
is having an issue with Bud.
I didn't do anything.
- And who names their kid Acorn? - I do.
- Great name. After the tree seed, right? - What's going on with Bud and Acorn?
Every time I see the kid at drop-off, he has a meltdown. I really try with him.
I smile, I...
I make funny faces.
Your funny faces upset me too.
It's gotten bad with Acorn that it takes until lunch for him to calm down.
I was hoping Fred could shed some light
on what it is about Bud that's so triggering for Acorn.
I might know what the problem is.
I have a very open and honest relationship with my son,
and when he asks me why Daddy lives in a crappy hotel by the freeway,
I tell him it's because Mommy's divorce lawyer was so good at his job
that Daddy doesn't have any money left.
- I was Mommy's divorce lawyer. - Good to see you again, Bud.
So, Fred, you could make clear to Acorn
that this is a burden he doesn't need to carry.
You're right. I'll tell him after I explain to him
that Christmas isn't gonna be quite so merry this year.
- Oh, God. - [Fred] I have to leave.
I need to catch the last airport shuttle back to my hotel.
I'll talk to my son.
- Well, thank you, Ms. Alexander. - Oh, wait a minute.
There's another parent here, Stephanie Rovener's dad.
[gasps] That's gonna be a bad one.
Can I have a permission slip, please?
For...?
For my husband.
So he can sign this and give himself permission to quit his job.
Thanks, Allison.
- Not in front of the principal. - [man] Is he in there?
Is there another way out?
[knock on door]
Hey.
Hey. How did you find out?
Barry told me the other day. Somewhere between the funeral and the wedding
- and our mother getting electrocuted. - Wait, you knew before I did?
That's why you were telling me I don't need Taneth.
I was just hoping I could give you a softer landing.
Thank you for trying to be there for me.
Just wanted to return the favor.
I still don't know why she fired me. I mean, what did I do?
It's because...
I canceled the eye butter.
- You think? - Yes.
Definitely.
It's on me, Mallory.
That makes me feel a little better.
Oh, hey, Brianna, did you hear I got a raise and a promotion?
That makes me feel worse.
Even though I don't work here anymore or even have a job, I can still fire you.
Oh, come on.
You two are gonna do fine.
It's a better world for you to walk into
than it was when your mother started the company.
He's right.
Back then, even the people who worked here called her the Beauty Bitch.
What did they call me when I was CEO?
Oh, we shortened your mother's nickname.
I was just The Bitch?
That's awesome. That's like a fairy tale.
And what badass name did they call me behind my back?
Uh, we called you...
Mallory.
- Mm. - Wow.
I didn't even get the respect to be disrespected.
That's harsh.
I tried starting a nickname for you but it didn't take.
What was it?
Noodles.
You ready, Noodles?
Do I have a choice, Bitch?
You know, I'm thinking about starting a new business.
You in?
Turns out I'm available.
I think I found the perfect name.
What is it?
Beauty Bitch.
- Can we talk about the name? - No.
[inaudible dialogue]
[elegant music playing on piano]
Why are we here?
- Did you tell me and I forgot? - Not at all.
I haven't told you because it's a surprise.
Oh.
So...
is this place ringing any bells?
I'm afraid not.
Maybe this will help.
New York's finest knish.
Take a bite.
Oh, that's delicious.
It's a little pie with potatoes in it.
You said that back then too.
I'm still not understanding.
[playing uplifting tune on piano]
- That's ringing some bells. - Good.
Then come with me.
Oh, my God.
It's the hotel where it happened.
Yes.
I've been so amazed at the way you're facing your future so courageously,
and it's true that at some point
we won't be able to bring back
all the great memories from the life we've had together,
but maybe we can bring back one right now.
Maybe even create a new one.
I love that.
[elevator bell dings]
Take the next one, pal.
We've got a whole thing going on here.
[elevator bell dings]
Goodbye, Renee.
Joanne.
Tony. Crockett.
Tubbs.
Goodbye, Fiona.
- What are you doing? - Facing the hard part.
My painting days are over.
- Not if I have anything to say about it. - ["You're All I Need To Get By" playing]
♪ You're all I need to get by ♪
♪ You're all ♪
♪ I need... ♪
This is how you see us, isn't it?
Sure is.
♪ As long as I got you, then, baby ♪ You know that you got me, oh! ♪
♪ Oh! ♪
[Grace & Frankie laughing]
- Wow. - Amazing.
I never, ever thought that I would be in the ocean again.
See, we can do anything together.
Well, I only went up to my knees. Let's not go overboard.
Next time let's go up to our waist and have a good pee.
You really are 10.
I'm not hearing "no."
♪ ...you were my destiny ♪
♪ With my arms open wide... ♪
[Grace] Now what?
♪ I threw away my pride... ♪
[both laughing]
♪ ...dedicate my life to you ♪
♪ I will go where you lead ♪
♪ I'll be right there in a time of need ♪
♪ And when I lose my will ♪
♪ You'll be right there To push me up that hill ♪
♪ There's no No looking back for us ♪
♪ No, there ain't baby! ♪
♪ We've got our love and sho'nuff That's enough ♪
- ♪ You're all ♪ - ♪ You're all ♪
♪ You're all I need ♪
- ♪ You're all ♪ - ♪ Hear me, baby ♪
♪ You're all I need ♪
♪ You're all ♪
♪ You're all I need to get by ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ As long as I got you then, baby You know that you got me, oh! ♪
♪ You're all I need ♪