1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:02,219 --> 00:00:05,309 [upbeat swing music with female vocalist] 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:12,708 --> 00:00:14,710 I've got a secret 5 00:00:14,710 --> 00:00:16,625 That I carry 6 00:00:16,625 --> 00:00:19,932 Everywhere I go 7 00:00:19,932 --> 00:00:21,934 I try to keep it quiet 8 00:00:21,934 --> 00:00:24,720 Otherwise, there'd be a riot 9 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:28,811 People don't understand, no 10 00:00:28,811 --> 00:00:32,858 It's not easy being me 11 00:00:32,858 --> 00:00:35,861 It's a great responsibility 12 00:00:35,861 --> 00:00:38,386 'Cause I'm the greatest lover 13 00:00:38,386 --> 00:00:40,431 The world has ever known 14 00:00:40,431 --> 00:00:44,000 But nobody knows it by me 15 00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:48,961 Now some people think that they've got it good 16 00:00:52,226 --> 00:00:56,099 But they don't have 17 00:00:56,099 --> 00:01:01,017 A clue 18 00:01:01,017 --> 00:01:02,801 Sometimes I tremble 19 00:01:02,801 --> 00:01:05,108 Knowing I could kindle 20 00:01:05,108 --> 00:01:08,155 Any heart to flame 21 00:01:08,155 --> 00:01:13,160 I am the greatest lover the world has ever known 22 00:01:14,248 --> 00:01:16,293 And just between you and me 23 00:01:16,293 --> 00:01:20,863 I am the greatest lover the world has ever known 24 00:01:20,863 --> 00:01:24,606 But nobody knows it but me 25 00:01:26,303 --> 00:01:27,435 [birds chirping] 26 00:01:27,435 --> 00:01:30,525 [quirky piano music] 27 00:01:59,597 --> 00:02:02,818 [phone ringing] 28 00:02:02,818 --> 00:02:04,863 - [Daddy] You've reached Zach Rosenstern. 29 00:02:04,863 --> 00:02:06,387 Please leave a message. 30 00:02:06,387 --> 00:02:08,563 If it's important, I'll call you back. 31 00:02:08,563 --> 00:02:09,564 [answering machine beeps] 32 00:02:09,564 --> 00:02:11,435 - Hey, Daddy, it's me. 33 00:02:11,435 --> 00:02:13,829 I'm just callin' to tell ya these bills are comin' in, 34 00:02:13,829 --> 00:02:16,962 and I'm wonderin' if you've sent my allowance check yet. 35 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:19,748 Okay, well, just gimme a call. 36 00:02:20,836 --> 00:02:22,272 And hello to Laney Druff... 37 00:02:22,272 --> 00:02:24,622 Hmm, hello to Stepmama. 38 00:02:25,449 --> 00:02:26,537 I love you. Bye. 39 00:02:38,462 --> 00:02:40,247 Rolling. Hello, lovelies. 40 00:02:40,247 --> 00:02:42,814 Thanks so much for all of your recommendations 41 00:02:42,814 --> 00:02:44,512 for a new catch phrase. 42 00:02:44,512 --> 00:02:47,297 I especially love your ideas 43 00:02:47,297 --> 00:02:49,691 of everything's coming up Gilda, 44 00:02:49,691 --> 00:02:52,868 got Gilda, and what you talkin' 'bout, Gilda Sue. 45 00:02:54,565 --> 00:02:58,569 It's "The Gilda Sue Rosenstern Computer Internet Show." 46 00:02:59,570 --> 00:03:02,007 Hello, lovelies. 47 00:03:02,007 --> 00:03:04,488 I am Gilda Sue Rosenstern. 48 00:03:04,488 --> 00:03:07,448 And y'all, I'm just tickled pink to be here. 49 00:03:07,448 --> 00:03:10,755 Today, we're celebrating with mimosas, 50 00:03:10,755 --> 00:03:13,889 which frankly, I find much tastier without the OJ. 51 00:03:14,890 --> 00:03:15,717 Mm. 52 00:03:17,153 --> 00:03:20,287 In fact, I think I'm in need of a little bit 53 00:03:20,287 --> 00:03:23,942 of what I love to call hair of the puppy dog, 54 00:03:23,942 --> 00:03:26,815 'cause I think I still might be just a teensy bit tipsy 55 00:03:26,815 --> 00:03:28,991 from drinking margarita pitchers last night 56 00:03:28,991 --> 00:03:30,819 at my favorite little bar Bitch!. 57 00:03:30,819 --> 00:03:33,343 This time on "Used Book Club!," 58 00:03:33,343 --> 00:03:38,348 we're discussing "The Satanic Verses" by Salman Rushdie. 59 00:03:39,871 --> 00:03:41,264 I did not understand one word of this crazy book. 60 00:03:41,264 --> 00:03:42,831 [answering machine beeps] 61 00:03:42,831 --> 00:03:46,443 Daddy, it's me. Do you ever have your phone on? 62 00:03:47,966 --> 00:03:49,141 Because the bills just keep coming. 63 00:03:49,141 --> 00:03:51,013 I don't know if you know this, 64 00:03:51,013 --> 00:03:53,798 but if you don't pay 'em, they keep sending you more. 65 00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,671 So I was just checking in one more time. 66 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:00,588 Y'all, I'm beginnin' to realize 67 00:04:00,588 --> 00:04:04,069 that I'm way more out of shape that I ever knew. 68 00:04:04,069 --> 00:04:07,377 But the best place to find health and fitness advice 69 00:04:07,377 --> 00:04:10,554 is right here in my favorite little magazine "Shrew!" 70 00:04:10,554 --> 00:04:13,557 Y'all, this women's magazine is chock-full 71 00:04:13,557 --> 00:04:16,908 of everything every modern woman needs to know. 72 00:04:16,908 --> 00:04:19,998 I mean, it's full of tips about dating men, 73 00:04:19,998 --> 00:04:22,871 tips about raising children. 74 00:04:22,871 --> 00:04:24,307 They're often the same thing. 75 00:04:26,178 --> 00:04:29,921 I can work out myself, all by myself, and so can you. 76 00:04:29,921 --> 00:04:32,228 So I got myself a little exercise ball. 77 00:04:32,228 --> 00:04:34,012 So we're gonna start on it. 78 00:04:34,012 --> 00:04:36,319 I don't really know what you do on it. 79 00:04:36,319 --> 00:04:38,278 [ball creaking] 80 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:39,148 That feels good. 81 00:04:40,454 --> 00:04:42,020 I like that. 82 00:04:42,020 --> 00:04:43,761 You can do this. 83 00:04:43,761 --> 00:04:45,589 You can do 'em bigger. That feels really good. 84 00:04:45,589 --> 00:04:46,895 [ball groans] Oh! 85 00:04:46,895 --> 00:04:48,288 [fist banging] 86 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:49,289 - Gilda Sue! 87 00:04:50,507 --> 00:04:51,334 Gilda Sue! 88 00:04:53,510 --> 00:04:55,860 I know you're home. I can hear you in there. 89 00:04:55,860 --> 00:04:58,167 - Senor La Casa, is that you? 90 00:04:58,167 --> 00:04:59,951 Uh, I'm... 91 00:04:59,951 --> 00:05:02,780 I can't come to the door right now. I'm in the shower. 92 00:05:02,780 --> 00:05:05,392 - I know you're not in the shower. You're right by the door. 93 00:05:05,392 --> 00:05:07,002 Do you have your rent yet? 94 00:05:07,002 --> 00:05:08,786 - Uh, well, [stammering] honey, I can't hear you 95 00:05:08,786 --> 00:05:10,310 with the water runnin'. 96 00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:12,094 - I know you're not in the shower. [sighs] 97 00:05:12,094 --> 00:05:13,574 Look, just get me my money, okay? 98 00:05:13,574 --> 00:05:15,227 I got bills of my own, you know? 99 00:05:16,272 --> 00:05:17,099 [complaining in Spanish 100 00:05:17,099 --> 00:05:18,753 ] 101 00:05:18,753 --> 00:05:20,798 - And like any good half-Jewish girl on Yom Kippur, 102 00:05:20,798 --> 00:05:24,324 I always spend some time afflicting my soul 103 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,978 in accordance with Jewish tradition, 104 00:05:26,978 --> 00:05:28,937 but it gets old fast. 105 00:05:28,937 --> 00:05:30,939 Our next letter begins, "Help!" 106 00:05:30,939 --> 00:05:33,028 Hon, don't plotz. 107 00:05:33,028 --> 00:05:36,118 I find the best way to deal 108 00:05:36,118 --> 00:05:39,121 with uncomfortable feelings in general 109 00:05:39,121 --> 00:05:41,428 is just to ignore 'em. 110 00:05:41,428 --> 00:05:42,559 Push 'em down. Push 'em deep, deep down. 111 00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:48,478 I don't know why more people just don't do what I do. 112 00:05:48,478 --> 00:05:51,394 Pick up the phone, honey, and call your daddy. 113 00:05:51,394 --> 00:05:53,004 [phone ringing] 114 00:05:53,004 --> 00:05:55,050 - [Daddy] You've reached Zach Rosenstern. 115 00:05:55,050 --> 00:05:56,573 Please leave a message. 116 00:05:56,573 --> 00:05:58,749 If it's important, I'll call you back. 117 00:05:58,749 --> 00:05:59,924 [answering machine beeps] 118 00:05:59,924 --> 00:06:01,361 - Hey, Daddy, it's me again. 119 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,884 Just wonderin' if you're not even gettin' 120 00:06:02,884 --> 00:06:04,929 any of my messages. 121 00:06:04,929 --> 00:06:06,975 I been leavin' you a lot of messages? 122 00:06:06,975 --> 00:06:08,324 [fist banging] 123 00:06:08,324 --> 00:06:10,195 - [Senor La Casa] Gilda Sue! 124 00:06:10,195 --> 00:06:11,371 - [Gilda Sue] So I was just checkin' in one more time. 125 00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:12,763 [fist banging] - Gilda Sue! 126 00:06:12,763 --> 00:06:14,374 - [Gilda Sue] Everything's fine here. 127 00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,288 Everything's just fine here. [fist banging] 128 00:06:16,288 --> 00:06:17,812 - I can hear you in there. - Um, just gimme a call, 129 00:06:17,812 --> 00:06:20,771 you know, whenever it's convenient for you. 130 00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,384 I'm right by the phone. 131 00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:27,952 [bustling classical music] 132 00:06:30,781 --> 00:06:32,348 - [Daddy] Please leave a message. 133 00:06:32,348 --> 00:06:33,871 If it's important, I'll call you back. 134 00:06:33,871 --> 00:06:36,396 [Daddy's voice echoing "If it's important"] 135 00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:39,877 [spooky music] 136 00:06:39,877 --> 00:06:41,139 If it's important, important, important, 137 00:06:41,139 --> 00:06:43,794 important, important, important. 138 00:06:43,794 --> 00:06:46,971 [eerie ambient music] 139 00:06:59,549 --> 00:07:02,987 [wind chimes clattering] 140 00:07:31,407 --> 00:07:33,235 If it's important, important, important. 141 00:07:33,235 --> 00:07:36,586 It's important, I'll call you back. 142 00:07:36,586 --> 00:07:39,937 [eerie dreamlike music] 143 00:08:09,837 --> 00:08:13,275 [wind chimes clattering] 144 00:08:14,624 --> 00:08:17,192 [man cackling] 145 00:08:31,859 --> 00:08:36,385 [Gilda Sue shrieks] [Gilda Sue breathing heavily] 146 00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:39,214 [Gilda Sue sighs] 147 00:08:44,175 --> 00:08:45,176 [neon sign buzzing] 148 00:08:45,176 --> 00:08:46,700 [soulful swing music] 149 00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:47,701 - [Pearl] Girl, that sounds awful. 150 00:08:47,701 --> 00:08:49,180 - [Nunzia] It does. 151 00:08:49,180 --> 00:08:50,181 - Did he have anything to say about me? 152 00:08:50,181 --> 00:08:51,008 - [Gilda Sue] Who? 153 00:08:51,008 --> 00:08:51,966 - Mr. Death? 154 00:08:51,966 --> 00:08:53,271 - [gasps] Death? 155 00:08:53,271 --> 00:08:55,143 [cell phone chimes] Oy! 156 00:08:55,143 --> 00:08:57,014 My landlord. 157 00:08:57,014 --> 00:08:59,539 Do y'all know Daddy hadn't paid my rent this month. 158 00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:00,496 - Girl. 159 00:09:00,496 --> 00:09:01,628 - I know. 160 00:09:01,628 --> 00:09:03,194 He's actin' super meshuga. 161 00:09:03,194 --> 00:09:06,154 He's not returnin' any of my calls. 162 00:09:06,154 --> 00:09:07,938 [sighs] If he doesn't hurry up and pay my phone bill, 163 00:09:07,938 --> 00:09:09,810 he won't be able to return my calls. 164 00:09:09,810 --> 00:09:12,639 - [Pearl] Did he comment on anything in particular? 165 00:09:12,639 --> 00:09:14,205 - Daddy? 166 00:09:14,205 --> 00:09:15,380 - [Pearl] [sighs] The Grim Reaper? 167 00:09:15,380 --> 00:09:17,165 - [gasps] The Grim Reaper? Oy! 168 00:09:17,165 --> 00:09:20,560 - Like, did he have any advice on your fall wardrobe? 169 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:22,649 Would this blouse make me look gay? 170 00:09:22,649 --> 00:09:24,564 - Is this my "Shrew!"? 171 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,827 - [Pearl] You left it here on Strip Trivia Night. 172 00:09:26,827 --> 00:09:27,654 [Gilda Sue groans] 173 00:09:27,654 --> 00:09:29,830 - It's pretty. 174 00:09:29,830 --> 00:09:32,006 I can give you a mother of pearl mani to match it. 175 00:09:32,006 --> 00:09:33,485 - Oy, this is terrible. 176 00:09:33,485 --> 00:09:35,096 - I think it's delicious. 177 00:09:35,096 --> 00:09:37,751 - Not the drink, Nunz! My dream. 178 00:09:37,751 --> 00:09:41,145 Y'all! I am runnin' outta time. 179 00:09:41,145 --> 00:09:43,234 - Don't be silly, Gilda Sue. 180 00:09:44,627 --> 00:09:46,368 What is it you want more than anything else 181 00:09:46,368 --> 00:09:48,283 in the entire world? 182 00:09:48,283 --> 00:09:49,458 - Fame. 183 00:09:49,458 --> 00:09:50,981 - What do you want second most? 184 00:09:52,156 --> 00:09:53,331 - Fortune. 185 00:09:53,331 --> 00:09:54,898 - Do you have a third choice? 186 00:09:54,898 --> 00:09:56,117 - Mr. Right? 187 00:09:56,117 --> 00:09:57,901 - Mr-E-Date.com. 188 00:09:57,901 --> 00:09:59,773 [dramatic music] 189 00:09:59,773 --> 00:10:01,992 It's where I'm gonna go find my Mr. Right. 190 00:10:01,992 --> 00:10:04,299 [dramatic music] 191 00:10:04,299 --> 00:10:05,779 - Huh? 192 00:10:05,779 --> 00:10:08,172 - [Announcer] Welcome to Mr-E-Date.com, 193 00:10:08,172 --> 00:10:10,610 where all the dates are dreams, 194 00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,873 because we don't do duds. 195 00:10:12,873 --> 00:10:15,876 [sultry jazz music] 196 00:10:19,096 --> 00:10:20,576 [birds chirping] 197 00:10:20,576 --> 00:10:22,752 - I got plenty of money, I mean, seriously. 198 00:10:22,752 --> 00:10:25,015 Really, I got money to burn. 199 00:10:25,015 --> 00:10:26,974 She is my daughter, 200 00:10:26,974 --> 00:10:29,629 but she's 18. 201 00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:32,414 She needs to get a job, pay her own damn bills, 202 00:10:32,414 --> 00:10:34,459 and quit taking advantage of her old man. 203 00:10:34,459 --> 00:10:36,200 Yeah, I cut her off. 204 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:37,027 I mean, that's, 205 00:10:38,115 --> 00:10:39,639 that's what you would do, right? 206 00:10:40,814 --> 00:10:43,251 Am I- [suspenseful music] 207 00:10:43,251 --> 00:10:45,035 - Right there on top of her table, 208 00:10:45,035 --> 00:10:47,211 there's this naked dude yelling. 209 00:10:47,211 --> 00:10:48,778 Oh, and I know this is true, 210 00:10:48,778 --> 00:10:50,650 because my friend knows this chick. 211 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,564 He's yelling, "Look at it, look at it, look at it!" 212 00:10:52,564 --> 00:10:54,218 And so, she does. 213 00:10:54,218 --> 00:10:57,134 And then, [laughing] this is so gross. 214 00:10:57,134 --> 00:10:58,788 Blech. 215 00:10:58,788 --> 00:11:00,877 She goes to the doctor, and the doctor tells her 216 00:11:00,877 --> 00:11:03,227 that, in her eye, there's a- 217 00:11:03,227 --> 00:11:04,489 [suspenseful music] 218 00:11:04,489 --> 00:11:05,839 - Crab. 219 00:11:05,839 --> 00:11:07,971 Maryland crab cakes. 220 00:11:07,971 --> 00:11:11,409 Hmm, I wonder if it's mostly crab or mostly filler. 221 00:11:11,409 --> 00:11:12,933 I'd bet it's mostly filler. 222 00:11:12,933 --> 00:11:16,588 See, I'm from Maryland, and we prefer the kind 223 00:11:16,588 --> 00:11:18,155 with barely any filler, 224 00:11:18,155 --> 00:11:19,635 'cause that way, you get all the flavor. 225 00:11:19,635 --> 00:11:21,245 Maryland has the best crab cakes. 226 00:11:21,245 --> 00:11:24,379 I remember, in Rehoboth, there was a chain 227 00:11:24,379 --> 00:11:26,816 that I used to go to with my brother. 228 00:11:26,816 --> 00:11:29,036 In fact, he bought his favorite flip-flops there. 229 00:11:29,036 --> 00:11:32,082 Sometimes I get some frozen at Costco. 230 00:11:33,475 --> 00:11:36,130 And I've noticed that the quality 231 00:11:36,130 --> 00:11:39,437 is starting to wane, 232 00:11:39,437 --> 00:11:43,311 and, uh, well, if I had renewed my membership. 233 00:11:45,095 --> 00:11:47,489 [soft jazz music] 234 00:11:47,489 --> 00:11:49,404 - It's simple, Gilda Sue. 235 00:11:49,404 --> 00:11:52,973 God made us in his image. We do not need to evolve. 236 00:11:52,973 --> 00:11:54,888 You'll never catch me doing it anyway. 237 00:11:54,888 --> 00:11:57,368 - Pearl, honey, can I get a side of potatoes please? 238 00:11:57,368 --> 00:11:58,892 - Oh, honey, are you sure? 239 00:11:58,892 --> 00:12:01,111 Those trousers are pretty tight. 240 00:12:01,111 --> 00:12:02,852 Aren't you training with Jamal again? 241 00:12:02,852 --> 00:12:04,288 - Yes, Mama. 242 00:12:04,288 --> 00:12:05,855 - Well, I'm glad you're back in the gym. 243 00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:09,076 You just look better thin. Well, thinner. 244 00:12:09,076 --> 00:12:11,078 - [sighs] And can I get some ketchup too please, hon? 245 00:12:11,078 --> 00:12:13,080 - Well, the servers are marrying the ketchups right now, 246 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:14,255 but I'll find you a bottle. 247 00:12:14,255 --> 00:12:15,256 [Gilda Sue mutters] 248 00:12:15,256 --> 00:12:16,648 - Marrying the ketchups? 249 00:12:16,648 --> 00:12:18,128 - What now? 250 00:12:18,128 --> 00:12:20,609 - Even Pearl ought to know that marriage 251 00:12:20,609 --> 00:12:22,872 is between one man and one woman. 252 00:12:22,872 --> 00:12:24,439 - Oy! 253 00:12:24,439 --> 00:12:26,571 And apparently, that one man's one ex-wife. 254 00:12:26,571 --> 00:12:28,182 - Oh lord, can we have one meal 255 00:12:28,182 --> 00:12:30,140 without discussing my love life? 256 00:12:30,140 --> 00:12:32,534 - How is Daddy by the way? He doesn't return my calls. 257 00:12:32,534 --> 00:12:34,101 - Oh, Gilda Sue. 258 00:12:34,101 --> 00:12:35,885 - It's that Laney Druffle, isn't it? 259 00:12:35,885 --> 00:12:39,019 - Well, she's Laney Rosenstern now, Gilda Sue. 260 00:12:39,019 --> 00:12:41,804 - I swear she hadn't changed since high school. 261 00:12:41,804 --> 00:12:44,807 - She and your daddy are having some trouble apparently. 262 00:12:45,808 --> 00:12:47,679 - Well, it's no wonder. 263 00:12:47,679 --> 00:12:50,378 You know, you and Daddy oughta be ashamed of yourselves. 264 00:12:50,378 --> 00:12:52,772 - Your daddy and I were married once! 265 00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:56,297 And in the eyes of God, no matter what, we always will be. 266 00:12:56,297 --> 00:12:58,734 So technically, that doesn't make us adulterers. 267 00:12:58,734 --> 00:13:00,562 - Technically, it makes you Mormons. 268 00:13:00,562 --> 00:13:02,433 - Watch your mouth! 269 00:13:02,433 --> 00:13:04,218 - Hey, Gilda Sue, I had an idea that could help you 270 00:13:04,218 --> 00:13:05,915 with your Mr. Right problem. 271 00:13:05,915 --> 00:13:08,178 I think you should immediately get on muh-face. 272 00:13:08,178 --> 00:13:10,006 - Good lord! 273 00:13:10,006 --> 00:13:13,575 - Pearl, I never been a friends with benefits type of girl. 274 00:13:13,575 --> 00:13:17,448 - No, muh-face, it's a social networking site. 275 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:22,889 - Oh, you have 24,362 pals? 276 00:13:22,889 --> 00:13:25,021 - [Donna Sue] Hmm, is everybody in the world on that thing? 277 00:13:25,021 --> 00:13:27,023 - That's what makes it so great. 278 00:13:27,023 --> 00:13:30,679 I don't think they can Mr. Right off muh-face if they tried. 279 00:13:30,679 --> 00:13:33,769 [lively world music] 280 00:13:42,691 --> 00:13:45,128 - You don't remember the Pork Grind? 281 00:13:45,128 --> 00:13:47,000 That was my signature move. 282 00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:48,915 Then, see, I'd follow it up with the Sizzler, 283 00:13:48,915 --> 00:13:51,743 and finish 'em off with the Hambone. [grunts] 284 00:13:51,743 --> 00:13:54,137 I miss the spotlight, but I'm gonna be back. 285 00:13:54,137 --> 00:13:57,184 Anonymity has never been what the good Lord God had in mind 286 00:13:57,184 --> 00:14:00,317 for the Burning Ham from Birmingham. [coughs] 287 00:14:00,317 --> 00:14:02,842 So what is it that you do? [chuckles] 288 00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:05,018 Uh, it is Tilda, isn't it? 289 00:14:05,018 --> 00:14:06,280 Tilda Lou, right? 290 00:14:07,629 --> 00:14:10,675 [lively world music] 291 00:14:15,202 --> 00:14:18,422 - I'll bet you a dollar you can't find other saturated fats, 292 00:14:18,422 --> 00:14:21,121 preservatives, artificial sweeteners on this list 293 00:14:21,121 --> 00:14:23,645 the poisonous place calls a menu. 294 00:14:23,645 --> 00:14:26,474 If I had my way, all these restaurants would be outlawed. 295 00:14:26,474 --> 00:14:28,345 All the chefs would be tarred, feathered, 296 00:14:28,345 --> 00:14:31,305 and drug through the bloody streets by their cankles. 297 00:14:31,305 --> 00:14:33,133 - Oh! - It really does make me sick. 298 00:14:33,133 --> 00:14:35,962 That's why I bring my own snacks, just in case. 299 00:14:35,962 --> 00:14:37,528 Would you like some? 300 00:14:37,528 --> 00:14:39,269 You're welcome to some if you'd like. 301 00:14:39,269 --> 00:14:40,575 - Thank you, no. 302 00:14:40,575 --> 00:14:42,055 [teeth crunching] Uh. 303 00:14:42,055 --> 00:14:43,970 - I'm glad they got a full bar too. 304 00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:45,797 Look at those fat alcoholics. 305 00:14:47,451 --> 00:14:49,279 Everyone of those bleeders up there deserves 306 00:14:49,279 --> 00:14:50,890 every little bit of liver and kidney malfunction 307 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,674 that comes their way. 308 00:14:52,674 --> 00:14:54,458 Shocking! You don't drink, do you, Gilda Sue? 309 00:14:54,458 --> 00:14:57,026 [lively music] 310 00:15:02,379 --> 00:15:04,077 - [Gilda Sue] Does this van run? 311 00:15:04,077 --> 00:15:06,340 Can, uh, is this it? 312 00:15:06,340 --> 00:15:07,515 - It runs. 313 00:15:07,515 --> 00:15:09,343 Steering wheel's messed up, 314 00:15:09,343 --> 00:15:11,171 and the air conditioner's got some people in it. 315 00:15:11,171 --> 00:15:12,346 It's comfortable to me. 316 00:15:12,346 --> 00:15:14,174 I got a bed. I got a sink. 317 00:15:14,174 --> 00:15:16,524 - Yeah, I don't know that this is gonna work out exactly. 318 00:15:16,524 --> 00:15:18,743 - I could go get a house, but I'm close to my daughter, 319 00:15:18,743 --> 00:15:20,441 and I can just plug in right here. 320 00:15:20,441 --> 00:15:22,530 I got a transformer, generator, 321 00:15:22,530 --> 00:15:25,359 but I been here seven and saved a lot of money. 322 00:15:25,359 --> 00:15:27,927 Did you know Elvis lived in a van 323 00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,625 before he became a high hurdle? 324 00:15:30,625 --> 00:15:32,409 [Gilda Sue stammering] He lived in a van. 325 00:15:32,409 --> 00:15:35,238 - Is there a phone? I wouldn't mind calling a cab. 326 00:15:35,238 --> 00:15:38,241 - I could take you home. Uh, Pedro drives a cab. 327 00:15:38,241 --> 00:15:39,808 He's right down the street. 328 00:15:39,808 --> 00:15:41,592 - Okay, I don't seem to get much service here. 329 00:15:41,592 --> 00:15:44,030 My phone doesn't, doesn't have any bars here. 330 00:15:44,030 --> 00:15:45,901 - I think Pedro's a nice man. 331 00:15:45,901 --> 00:15:47,816 He speaks in a bell-like tone. 332 00:15:47,816 --> 00:15:49,731 He's from Tifton, down where my daddy. 333 00:15:49,731 --> 00:15:51,733 We brought him up here, and, uh... 334 00:15:51,733 --> 00:15:53,300 Here's a phone if you wanna call him. 335 00:15:53,300 --> 00:15:55,128 - Yeah, I wouldn't, I wouldn't mind 336 00:15:55,128 --> 00:15:56,651 just, uh, just havin' a, havin' a- 337 00:15:56,651 --> 00:15:59,132 - Caught him when he was 14 from The Brazier 338 00:15:59,132 --> 00:16:00,611 for stealing charcoal, 339 00:16:00,611 --> 00:16:02,265 and then he got into Memphis, - Oh my. 340 00:16:02,265 --> 00:16:04,441 - and joined a house-number-retrieving group. 341 00:16:04,441 --> 00:16:07,357 And they were stealing all the eights off mailboxes. 342 00:16:07,357 --> 00:16:08,750 - Yeah, this phone 343 00:16:08,750 --> 00:16:10,621 does not work. - They had 3,000 eights 344 00:16:10,621 --> 00:16:13,059 in a rental truck, and they got in trouble for doing that. 345 00:16:13,059 --> 00:16:15,148 - Yeah. - So I got him out of jail, 346 00:16:15,148 --> 00:16:17,019 and I've taken care of him 347 00:16:17,019 --> 00:16:18,325 for a long time. [door thuds] 348 00:16:18,325 --> 00:16:20,109 - Can you tell me which way, uh, 349 00:16:20,109 --> 00:16:21,110 which way's north? 350 00:16:21,110 --> 00:16:22,459 [man coughs] 351 00:16:22,459 --> 00:16:23,504 [man laughs] 352 00:16:23,504 --> 00:16:25,506 Yeah, bye bye now. 353 00:16:25,506 --> 00:16:28,770 [lively world music] 354 00:16:28,770 --> 00:16:31,947 [fist knocking] 355 00:16:31,947 --> 00:16:33,166 Charlie! 356 00:16:33,166 --> 00:16:33,993 - [Charlie] Gilda Sue. 357 00:16:37,953 --> 00:16:38,780 Shall we? 358 00:16:48,181 --> 00:16:50,009 - Would you like to come in for- 359 00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:52,576 [tires squeal] 360 00:16:57,886 --> 00:16:59,192 What's that? 361 00:16:59,192 --> 00:17:00,715 - One week notice, Gilda Sue. 362 00:17:00,715 --> 00:17:01,933 I'm calling everything up. 363 00:17:01,933 --> 00:17:02,891 Power, cable, agua, todo! 364 00:17:04,632 --> 00:17:07,113 and I'm throwing all your stuff on the curb in one week, 365 00:17:07,113 --> 00:17:08,853 unless you can pay up. 366 00:17:08,853 --> 00:17:10,029 - In one week? 367 00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,204 How am I supposed to do that? 368 00:17:11,204 --> 00:17:13,336 - That's up to you, Gilda Sue. 369 00:17:13,336 --> 00:17:14,511 Get it together. 370 00:17:14,511 --> 00:17:18,124 [mournful orchestral music] 371 00:17:28,569 --> 00:17:30,179 [phone ringing] 372 00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:32,138 - [Daddy] You've reached Zach Rosenstern. 373 00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:33,704 Please leave a message. 374 00:17:33,704 --> 00:17:36,881 If it's important, I'll call you back. 375 00:17:41,930 --> 00:17:44,237 - Girl, you're dating for food. 376 00:17:44,237 --> 00:17:45,325 - I know! 377 00:17:45,325 --> 00:17:47,631 In my wildest dreams! 378 00:17:47,631 --> 00:17:49,938 - Hello, kids. Geez, what a day. 379 00:17:49,938 --> 00:17:52,462 Pearl, I need an Italian stallion. 380 00:17:52,462 --> 00:17:53,420 - Got you covered. 381 00:17:53,420 --> 00:17:54,421 - Hey, Nunz. 382 00:17:54,421 --> 00:17:56,031 - Hey, Gilda Sue. 383 00:17:56,031 --> 00:17:58,512 I just finished your mom and dad's 384 00:17:58,512 --> 00:18:01,080 couples' mega mani and pimpin' pedi. 385 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,559 - [Gilda Sue] What? 386 00:18:02,559 --> 00:18:03,560 - Yeah, did you know they were going 387 00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:04,909 on some cruise together? 388 00:18:04,909 --> 00:18:06,433 - Where? 389 00:18:06,433 --> 00:18:08,435 - The Galapagos Islands. Can you believe that? 390 00:18:08,435 --> 00:18:09,436 - Where? 391 00:18:09,436 --> 00:18:10,915 - Who cares, Pearl? 392 00:18:10,915 --> 00:18:13,309 They're going someplace fun and expensive. 393 00:18:13,309 --> 00:18:15,181 I'm dating for dinner, 394 00:18:15,181 --> 00:18:17,096 and I'm gonna be livin' on the streets in a week. 395 00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:18,575 - A week? 396 00:18:18,575 --> 00:18:20,229 - Gilda Sue, you're gonna have to get a job. 397 00:18:20,229 --> 00:18:21,796 - Pearl! 398 00:18:21,796 --> 00:18:24,103 Doin' what? Waitin' tables here at Bitch!? 399 00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,713 - Oh, god, no! 400 00:18:25,713 --> 00:18:28,933 - Nunz, your sofa sleeps real, real good, right? 401 00:18:28,933 --> 00:18:30,326 - No. 402 00:18:30,326 --> 00:18:32,763 Gilda Sue, what happened with Mr. Right? 403 00:18:32,763 --> 00:18:36,767 - All of my Mr-E-Dates were duds, not a dream in the bunch. 404 00:18:36,767 --> 00:18:38,291 - Well, what are you gonna do now? 405 00:18:38,291 --> 00:18:40,641 - Y'all, other people get rich and famous 406 00:18:40,641 --> 00:18:43,470 on the computer internet all the time. 407 00:18:44,949 --> 00:18:46,516 If I could just make one episode go viral, 408 00:18:46,516 --> 00:18:49,519 I could get a TV show of my very own. 409 00:18:49,519 --> 00:18:51,521 I wouldn't even need Mr. Right. 410 00:18:51,521 --> 00:18:54,133 - In one week? You need a miracle. 411 00:18:55,046 --> 00:18:57,571 - You need The Bible. 412 00:18:57,571 --> 00:18:59,616 - Oy! You sound like Mama. 413 00:18:59,616 --> 00:19:02,619 - No, for the next "Used Book Club!," 414 00:19:02,619 --> 00:19:04,969 why don't you review The Bible? 415 00:19:04,969 --> 00:19:08,973 Can you think of anything more viral than the Bible? 416 00:19:08,973 --> 00:19:11,193 - Off the top of my head, no. 417 00:19:11,193 --> 00:19:14,022 - Not only would your hits skyrocket, 418 00:19:14,022 --> 00:19:16,155 but you could always rack up more brownie points 419 00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:17,939 with the man upstairs. 420 00:19:17,939 --> 00:19:20,071 A girl can use all the help she can get. 421 00:19:20,071 --> 00:19:21,508 - [Pearl] Mm-hmm. 422 00:19:21,508 --> 00:19:22,683 - Y'all, that is exactly what I'm gonna do. 423 00:19:22,683 --> 00:19:26,687 I am gonna review The Bible! 424 00:19:26,687 --> 00:19:28,428 Hey, Nunz, can I borrow your Bible? 425 00:19:28,428 --> 00:19:29,733 - What? No. 426 00:19:29,733 --> 00:19:31,909 Run down to Book 'Em. 427 00:19:31,909 --> 00:19:34,825 I'm sure Jiminy's got tons of 'em cheap. 428 00:19:34,825 --> 00:19:37,393 [quirky music] 429 00:20:02,070 --> 00:20:04,855 [clock ticking] 430 00:20:04,855 --> 00:20:05,682 - Hello? 431 00:20:14,691 --> 00:20:15,518 Jiminy? 432 00:20:21,089 --> 00:20:24,092 [eerie synth music] 433 00:20:37,801 --> 00:20:38,585 Hello? 434 00:21:14,055 --> 00:21:15,143 Anybody home? 435 00:21:21,671 --> 00:21:22,498 Yoo-hoo? 436 00:21:28,330 --> 00:21:31,115 [dramatic chord] 437 00:21:36,904 --> 00:21:37,992 Hello, puppy. 438 00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:42,301 Where did you come from? 439 00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:47,915 I'm just gonna come back tomorrow. 440 00:21:51,745 --> 00:21:55,183 [sinister ambient music] 441 00:22:00,928 --> 00:22:02,930 - What can I do for ya? 442 00:22:03,931 --> 00:22:06,150 - Do you work here? 443 00:22:06,150 --> 00:22:08,283 - Upon occasion. 444 00:22:08,283 --> 00:22:10,329 - [Gilda Sue] Well, where is Jiminy? 445 00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:14,202 - He's, um, stepped out. 446 00:22:16,813 --> 00:22:18,641 - Well, when do you expect him back? 447 00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:21,165 - Hard to say. 448 00:22:24,255 --> 00:22:25,082 - Okay. 449 00:22:26,954 --> 00:22:27,868 Fair enough. 450 00:22:29,609 --> 00:22:31,350 [stammering] I'm just, I'm just gonna come back tomorrow. 451 00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:32,916 - [The Man] You sure I can't help you? 452 00:22:36,311 --> 00:22:37,878 - Well, I could use a Bible. 453 00:22:39,401 --> 00:22:40,837 - A bible? 454 00:22:40,837 --> 00:22:42,535 - [Gilda Sue] Uh huh. 455 00:22:42,535 --> 00:22:44,188 - What kinda bible? 456 00:22:44,188 --> 00:22:46,016 - You know, THE Bible. 457 00:22:47,017 --> 00:22:48,758 ♪ The B-I-B-L-E 458 00:22:48,758 --> 00:22:51,108 ♪ Duh dee dee, dee dee dee 459 00:22:51,108 --> 00:22:52,893 - A lot of bibles in the world, Gilda Sue. 460 00:22:52,893 --> 00:22:53,720 - Yeah, I know. 461 00:22:56,070 --> 00:22:57,114 You know my name? 462 00:22:58,202 --> 00:22:59,508 - Of course I know your name. 463 00:23:01,771 --> 00:23:02,598 - How? 464 00:23:04,121 --> 00:23:06,210 - You don't need a Bible, Gilda Sue. 465 00:23:06,210 --> 00:23:07,516 - I don't? 466 00:23:07,516 --> 00:23:08,343 - Hell no. 467 00:23:09,257 --> 00:23:11,651 - [Gilda Sue] Why not? 468 00:23:11,651 --> 00:23:13,609 - The Bible ain't nothing but a cookbook. 469 00:23:15,394 --> 00:23:20,007 Just a bunch of tired old paint-by-numbers recipes 470 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:23,227 for people who ain't got no business 471 00:23:23,227 --> 00:23:24,577 in the futher-muckin' kitchen. 472 00:23:24,577 --> 00:23:25,839 You know what I'm sayin'? 473 00:23:27,710 --> 00:23:29,886 - [stammering] Well, I, uh... 474 00:23:29,886 --> 00:23:30,713 - Puppets. 475 00:23:31,845 --> 00:23:32,672 Ovines. 476 00:23:34,543 --> 00:23:36,545 You're not an ovine, are you, Gilda Sue? 477 00:23:39,069 --> 00:23:40,114 Of course you're not. 478 00:23:41,594 --> 00:23:45,902 That's why we gonna take a pass on the B-I-B-L-E, 479 00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:50,820 and go with this instead. 480 00:23:53,823 --> 00:23:54,650 Go ahead. 481 00:23:56,826 --> 00:23:57,653 Take it. 482 00:24:08,142 --> 00:24:09,622 - This book is blank. 483 00:24:11,450 --> 00:24:12,276 - Really? 484 00:24:13,277 --> 00:24:14,104 Huh. 485 00:24:16,019 --> 00:24:17,543 Then I guess it's on the house. 486 00:24:20,110 --> 00:24:21,198 - Wait a minute, wha'? 487 00:24:22,678 --> 00:24:24,419 What am I supposed to do with a blank book? 488 00:24:28,249 --> 00:24:31,470 - That's up to you, Gilda Sue. 489 00:24:31,470 --> 00:24:34,603 [ominous eerie music] 490 00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:44,918 - [Nunzia] A black dog is worse than a black cat, Gilda Sue! 491 00:24:44,918 --> 00:24:45,745 - [Gilda Sue] It is? 492 00:24:45,745 --> 00:24:46,920 - [Nunzia] Yes! 493 00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:50,053 - Well, y'all, he knew my name. 494 00:24:50,053 --> 00:24:51,098 - The dog knew your name? 495 00:24:51,098 --> 00:24:52,578 - Oh, no, the man. 496 00:24:52,578 --> 00:24:54,144 - How did he know your name? 497 00:24:54,144 --> 00:24:55,929 - I don't know! 498 00:24:55,929 --> 00:24:59,193 He did have to ask, though, if I was an ovine. 499 00:24:59,193 --> 00:25:00,020 - A what? 500 00:25:00,020 --> 00:25:01,325 - A sheep. 501 00:25:01,325 --> 00:25:03,110 I know. I had to look it up. 502 00:25:03,110 --> 00:25:05,504 - Gilda Sue, why did you stick around? 503 00:25:05,504 --> 00:25:09,116 Did you ask yourself why this guy and his demon dog 504 00:25:09,116 --> 00:25:10,987 would refuse to sell you a Bible? 505 00:25:10,987 --> 00:25:12,772 - Demon dog? 506 00:25:12,772 --> 00:25:17,254 - Well, he said it was a cookbook filled with recipes. 507 00:25:17,254 --> 00:25:18,429 - That's a bad thing? 508 00:25:18,429 --> 00:25:19,953 - I love a good cookbook. 509 00:25:19,953 --> 00:25:22,042 - Oh, well, he also said it had something 510 00:25:22,042 --> 00:25:24,174 to do with puppets. 511 00:25:24,174 --> 00:25:25,001 - Puppets? 512 00:25:25,001 --> 00:25:26,525 - And robots. 513 00:25:26,525 --> 00:25:27,787 - Puppets and robots? 514 00:25:27,787 --> 00:25:28,614 - And sheep. 515 00:25:28,614 --> 00:25:30,093 - Oh my. 516 00:25:30,093 --> 00:25:31,399 - I can't believe lightning didn't strike 517 00:25:31,399 --> 00:25:32,879 you both right there. 518 00:25:32,879 --> 00:25:36,491 - Well, he did sort of just vanish. 519 00:25:37,797 --> 00:25:39,407 - Vanish? 520 00:25:39,407 --> 00:25:41,888 - Yeah, right after he gave me the book. 521 00:25:41,888 --> 00:25:43,367 - What book? 522 00:25:43,367 --> 00:25:44,891 - Are you sure you weren't dreamin' again? 523 00:25:44,891 --> 00:25:49,069 - Well, if I was, I woke up holding this. 524 00:25:49,069 --> 00:25:50,853 [phone chimes] [all yelp] 525 00:25:50,853 --> 00:25:52,420 It's just Mama. 526 00:25:52,420 --> 00:25:54,509 Oy, she and Daddy are havin' the time 527 00:25:54,509 --> 00:25:56,337 of their illicit lives, 528 00:25:56,337 --> 00:25:59,470 and I have to hear about it every blessed day they're gone. 529 00:25:59,470 --> 00:26:01,560 - What does this symbol mean? 530 00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:04,127 - It's sorcerous! Keep it away from me! 531 00:26:04,127 --> 00:26:07,087 - Gilda Sue, this whole thing's feelin' a little creepy. 532 00:26:07,087 --> 00:26:09,698 - [whimpering] I wish I was wearing my Italian horn. 533 00:26:09,698 --> 00:26:11,918 - Oy gevalt, y'all. 534 00:26:11,918 --> 00:26:13,484 What am I supposed to do now? 535 00:26:15,225 --> 00:26:18,794 [curious orchestral music] 536 00:26:23,059 --> 00:26:24,060 - [Rabbi Spiderman] The Bible is a cookbook? 537 00:26:24,060 --> 00:26:25,496 Who told you this? 538 00:26:25,496 --> 00:26:26,976 - [Gilda Sue] The man. 539 00:26:26,976 --> 00:26:28,674 - The same man who gave you this? 540 00:26:28,674 --> 00:26:30,589 - Yeah. 541 00:26:30,589 --> 00:26:32,678 - Well, did this man impart any wisdom about Yom Kippur. 542 00:26:32,678 --> 00:26:34,767 - [gasps] Oy vey, it's near Yom Kippur. 543 00:26:34,767 --> 00:26:37,073 Rabbi Spiderman, I was just thinking about, 544 00:26:37,073 --> 00:26:39,598 just skippin' Yom Kippur this year. 545 00:26:39,598 --> 00:26:42,601 - Skipping Yom Kippur? What about your soul? 546 00:26:42,601 --> 00:26:44,341 It needs afflicting. 547 00:26:44,341 --> 00:26:46,822 - My soul has been afflicted a ton this year, 548 00:26:46,822 --> 00:26:48,258 especially lately. 549 00:26:48,258 --> 00:26:50,086 - It's up to you, Gilda Sue. 550 00:26:53,002 --> 00:26:55,178 - Wait, what, what did you just say? 551 00:26:55,178 --> 00:26:56,702 - I said it's up to you. 552 00:26:56,702 --> 00:26:59,269 - No, you said it's up to you, Gilda Sue. 553 00:26:59,269 --> 00:27:00,836 - Your point? 554 00:27:00,836 --> 00:27:02,272 - [Gilda Sue] Well, it's a perfect catch phrase. 555 00:27:02,272 --> 00:27:03,665 - Catch phrase? 556 00:27:03,665 --> 00:27:05,536 - Yeah, for my show. 557 00:27:05,536 --> 00:27:07,713 - It doesn't make any sense unless everyone in your audience 558 00:27:07,713 --> 00:27:09,410 is named Gilda Sue. 559 00:27:09,410 --> 00:27:11,020 - Sure it does. 560 00:27:11,020 --> 00:27:15,242 It's up to you, 561 00:27:15,242 --> 00:27:16,069 Gilda Sue. 562 00:27:19,072 --> 00:27:20,639 [Gilda Sue gasps] 563 00:27:20,639 --> 00:27:23,859 But what am I supposed to do with this? 564 00:27:23,859 --> 00:27:28,385 [resounding orchestral music] 565 00:27:28,385 --> 00:27:29,778 [phone ringing] 566 00:27:29,778 --> 00:27:31,737 - [Daddy] You've reached Zach Rosenstern. 567 00:27:31,737 --> 00:27:33,303 Please leave a message. 568 00:27:33,303 --> 00:27:35,175 If it's important, I'll call you back. 569 00:27:36,829 --> 00:27:39,309 - Hey, Daddy, it's me. 570 00:27:39,309 --> 00:27:42,661 I, I'm sorry to bother you while you're on vacation 571 00:27:42,661 --> 00:27:44,750 with Mama and Laney, 572 00:27:44,750 --> 00:27:48,231 but I'm gonna really need you to call me. 573 00:27:50,538 --> 00:27:52,671 [clicks tongue] Bye. 574 00:27:52,671 --> 00:27:55,674 [crickets chirping] 575 00:28:10,863 --> 00:28:15,868 [sighs] What am I supposed to do with you? 576 00:28:16,651 --> 00:28:18,914 [phone chimes] 577 00:28:20,263 --> 00:28:23,266 [Gilda Sue sighs] 578 00:28:23,266 --> 00:28:26,313 [phone chimes] 579 00:28:26,313 --> 00:28:29,142 [Gilda Sue sighs] 580 00:28:30,230 --> 00:28:33,320 [dreamy eerie music] 581 00:28:38,542 --> 00:28:41,110 [pen thudding] 582 00:28:44,113 --> 00:28:46,942 [Gilda Sue sighs] 583 00:28:50,990 --> 00:28:53,209 [birds chirping] 584 00:28:53,209 --> 00:28:56,560 [bouncy ringtone music] 585 00:29:01,130 --> 00:29:04,133 [Gilda Sue exhales] 586 00:29:10,444 --> 00:29:11,924 Hey, Mama. 587 00:29:11,924 --> 00:29:14,013 - Oh, Gilda Sue, thank God you're there. 588 00:29:14,013 --> 00:29:15,144 - What's the matter? 589 00:29:15,144 --> 00:29:16,929 - I'm comin' home early. 590 00:29:16,929 --> 00:29:20,759 Your daddy and I are finally done. Really done. 591 00:29:20,759 --> 00:29:23,457 - Okay, you called to tell me that? 592 00:29:23,457 --> 00:29:25,285 Well, what time is it? 593 00:29:25,285 --> 00:29:27,809 - No, I called to tell you what misfortune 594 00:29:27,809 --> 00:29:29,768 has befallen your poor mother, 595 00:29:29,768 --> 00:29:32,161 driving her prematurely from her lover 596 00:29:32,161 --> 00:29:34,207 - Oy. - and her dream vacation, 597 00:29:34,207 --> 00:29:36,209 leaving her with a broken heart. 598 00:29:36,209 --> 00:29:38,254 - Mama? - And a broken neck! 599 00:29:38,254 --> 00:29:40,604 - Wait, [stammering] what? A broken neck? 600 00:29:40,604 --> 00:29:41,649 - Well, nearly broken. 601 00:29:41,649 --> 00:29:43,129 - What? 602 00:29:43,129 --> 00:29:44,913 - It was terrible. I'm lucky to be alive. 603 00:29:44,913 --> 00:29:47,786 - Mama, slow down just a minute and tell me what happened. 604 00:29:47,786 --> 00:29:49,048 - Well, those turtles. 605 00:29:49,048 --> 00:29:50,223 - What turtles? 606 00:29:50,223 --> 00:29:51,702 - Those giant Galapagos turtles. 607 00:29:51,702 --> 00:29:52,965 - What about 'em? 608 00:29:52,965 --> 00:29:54,793 - They said they were docile. 609 00:29:54,793 --> 00:29:56,316 - What? They can talk? 610 00:29:56,316 --> 00:29:58,274 - Of course not, Gilda Sue. Lord God. 611 00:29:58,274 --> 00:29:59,449 - Well, then what? 612 00:29:59,449 --> 00:30:00,363 - Your mother was attacked! 613 00:30:00,363 --> 00:30:01,887 - Attacked? 614 00:30:01,887 --> 00:30:04,759 - Yes, attacked! By a giant turtle. 615 00:30:04,759 --> 00:30:08,154 [mysterious orchestral music] 616 00:30:08,154 --> 00:30:09,938 [Gilda Sue gasps] 617 00:30:09,938 --> 00:30:10,809 Gilda Sue? 618 00:30:12,375 --> 00:30:13,202 Gilda Sue? 619 00:30:21,036 --> 00:30:22,168 - Nunz? 620 00:30:22,168 --> 00:30:23,169 I wrote in it. 621 00:30:23,169 --> 00:30:24,997 - [Nunzia] The book? 622 00:30:24,997 --> 00:30:26,085 - I wrote in it, and I think I made something happen. 623 00:30:26,085 --> 00:30:27,608 Something bad. - Shh! 624 00:30:27,608 --> 00:30:29,131 - Thanks, Nunzia, I'll see you next week. 625 00:30:29,131 --> 00:30:30,002 - I'll be here. 626 00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:34,093 Put that thing away. 627 00:30:34,093 --> 00:30:36,138 Come over to the couch. 628 00:30:36,138 --> 00:30:38,140 [sighs] You look a wreck. 629 00:30:38,140 --> 00:30:39,881 - I am a wreck. Oy! 630 00:30:39,881 --> 00:30:41,491 I'm shvitzing. 631 00:30:41,491 --> 00:30:42,928 - Sit down. 632 00:30:42,928 --> 00:30:45,887 [light synth music] 633 00:30:45,887 --> 00:30:46,932 - What am I gonna- 634 00:30:46,932 --> 00:30:48,150 - Lower your voice. 635 00:30:49,717 --> 00:30:51,327 - [Gilda Sue] What am I gonna do? 636 00:30:51,327 --> 00:30:53,416 - I don't even wanna know what you've done, 637 00:30:53,416 --> 00:30:56,593 but Gilda Sue, you can't play around with stuff like this. 638 00:30:56,593 --> 00:30:57,856 You gotta protect yourself. 639 00:30:57,856 --> 00:30:59,727 - Oy vey! 640 00:30:59,727 --> 00:31:01,816 - Listen, I'm gonna give you a Ten Commandments mani. 641 00:31:03,209 --> 00:31:04,732 - What's a Ten Commandments mani? 642 00:31:04,732 --> 00:31:07,996 - It's a Siciola family manicure tradition. 643 00:31:07,996 --> 00:31:10,085 One commandment for every finger. 644 00:31:10,085 --> 00:31:14,524 Keeps you focused, and like the horn, it wards off evil. 645 00:31:14,524 --> 00:31:16,048 - Like a magic spell? 646 00:31:16,048 --> 00:31:18,050 - No, not like a magic spell! 647 00:31:18,050 --> 00:31:20,095 Like a prayer! Jesus! 648 00:31:20,095 --> 00:31:23,403 - The Ten Commandments right at my fingertips. 649 00:31:23,403 --> 00:31:25,971 I do tend to forget 'em sometimes, 650 00:31:25,971 --> 00:31:29,409 like that one about coveting my neighbor's donkey. 651 00:31:29,409 --> 00:31:31,324 - What? That's not a commandment. 652 00:31:31,324 --> 00:31:32,368 - Oh yeah, yeah, it is. 653 00:31:32,368 --> 00:31:33,892 - No. 654 00:31:33,892 --> 00:31:36,503 There's no murder, no lying, no stealing, 655 00:31:36,503 --> 00:31:38,374 no snickering in Sister Mary Francis's 656 00:31:38,374 --> 00:31:39,898 personal hygiene class- 657 00:31:39,898 --> 00:31:41,682 - Don't take the Lord's name in vain. 658 00:31:41,682 --> 00:31:43,379 - Christ! That's the one I forget. 659 00:31:43,379 --> 00:31:46,556 Um, there's, uh, greed, envy, and lust. 660 00:31:46,556 --> 00:31:48,776 - There's the one about tearing down 661 00:31:48,776 --> 00:31:50,734 the altars of foreigners. 662 00:31:50,734 --> 00:31:53,433 And then there's that other one about unleavened bread. 663 00:31:53,433 --> 00:31:54,651 - Where are you getting these from? 664 00:31:54,651 --> 00:31:55,696 - Rabbi Spiderman. 665 00:31:57,089 --> 00:31:59,743 - Look, I'm just gonna put one number 666 00:31:59,743 --> 00:32:01,484 on every one of your fingers. 667 00:32:01,484 --> 00:32:03,573 It'll be up to you to remember what they stand for. 668 00:32:03,573 --> 00:32:05,445 [Gilda Sue exhales] 669 00:32:05,445 --> 00:32:06,272 - Thank you. 670 00:32:07,795 --> 00:32:09,492 - And then get rid of that damn book. 671 00:32:10,841 --> 00:32:13,975 [somber string music] 672 00:32:34,691 --> 00:32:38,086 [romantic string music] 673 00:33:56,643 --> 00:33:59,950 [upbeat pop music with male vocalist] 674 00:34:11,788 --> 00:34:14,922 You were working the late night shift 675 00:34:14,922 --> 00:34:18,056 As a Waffle House waitress 676 00:34:18,056 --> 00:34:20,493 You spilled a cup of coffee on me 677 00:34:20,493 --> 00:34:24,279 Before we could speak 678 00:34:24,279 --> 00:34:27,543 You told me that you just could not win 679 00:34:27,543 --> 00:34:30,677 Your manager said leave your apron 680 00:34:30,677 --> 00:34:34,028 You said that was the third job you had lost 681 00:34:34,028 --> 00:34:37,205 That week 682 00:34:37,205 --> 00:34:40,513 I followed you to your car 683 00:34:40,513 --> 00:34:44,821 I handed you my heart and said 684 00:34:44,821 --> 00:34:48,390 You want it, you got it 685 00:34:48,390 --> 00:34:51,350 Give me your number, and I'll call it 686 00:34:51,350 --> 00:34:55,354 You got it if you want it all 687 00:35:04,232 --> 00:35:07,670 You want it, you got it 688 00:35:07,670 --> 00:35:10,499 Give me your number, and I'll call it 689 00:35:10,499 --> 00:35:15,504 You got it if you want it all 690 00:35:17,332 --> 00:35:20,553 You were working on the night shift 691 00:35:20,553 --> 00:35:23,382 As a Waffle House waitress You want it, you got it 692 00:35:23,382 --> 00:35:27,386 You got it if you want it all 693 00:35:36,786 --> 00:35:39,485 - [Gilda Sue] And then he takes my hand in his, 694 00:35:39,485 --> 00:35:42,531 looks deeply into my eyes, and he says, 695 00:35:42,531 --> 00:35:44,794 "It's like magic, isn't it?" 696 00:35:44,794 --> 00:35:46,318 - [Pearl] Girl. 697 00:35:46,318 --> 00:35:47,884 - Y'all, he's a real life TV producer. 698 00:35:47,884 --> 00:35:50,409 He's gonna put my show on the TV. 699 00:35:50,409 --> 00:35:52,976 And it is like magic. It's the book. 700 00:35:52,976 --> 00:35:57,024 I conjured him with the book. 701 00:35:57,024 --> 00:35:58,547 Y'all should try it. 702 00:35:58,547 --> 00:36:00,114 - I want no part of your black magic. 703 00:36:00,114 --> 00:36:01,985 - Oh, Nunz. Now he'll be here any minute. 704 00:36:01,985 --> 00:36:06,338 Be happy for me. I finally got my Mr. Right after all. 705 00:36:06,338 --> 00:36:09,863 And pretty soon, I'm gonna have fame and fortune. 706 00:36:09,863 --> 00:36:11,125 This rocks. 707 00:36:11,125 --> 00:36:12,126 - Hey! 708 00:36:12,126 --> 00:36:13,649 - Donna Sue O'Donahue. 709 00:36:13,649 --> 00:36:15,825 - Oh, Mama, thank God you're okay. 710 00:36:15,825 --> 00:36:18,785 - Gilda Sue, where'd you get that dress? You look pregnant. 711 00:36:18,785 --> 00:36:21,091 - I'm not pregnant, Mama. 712 00:36:21,091 --> 00:36:22,354 - Well, of course you're not pregnant. 713 00:36:22,354 --> 00:36:24,182 You need a man to be pregnant. 714 00:36:25,922 --> 00:36:28,011 - Actually, I'm glad you're your same old self. 715 00:36:28,011 --> 00:36:30,231 - Oh, no, I'm better than ever. 716 00:36:31,928 --> 00:36:34,496 I suffered great injuries from my accident, 717 00:36:36,324 --> 00:36:39,501 but I took it to the Lord in prayer and it paid off. 718 00:36:39,501 --> 00:36:42,809 Just wait until you meet my new man. 719 00:36:42,809 --> 00:36:44,332 - You got a man just by prayin'? 720 00:36:44,332 --> 00:36:47,379 - And surfing the net. Can you believe it? 721 00:36:47,379 --> 00:36:50,338 Mr. Right was on muh-face the whole time. 722 00:36:50,338 --> 00:36:52,514 - Gilda Sue found a Mr. Right too. 723 00:36:52,514 --> 00:36:54,212 We're all about to meet him. 724 00:36:54,212 --> 00:36:55,038 - No. 725 00:36:55,038 --> 00:36:56,257 - Yes. 726 00:36:56,257 --> 00:36:57,824 He's a real mensch. 727 00:36:57,824 --> 00:36:59,782 He's real dreamy. He's real real cute. 728 00:36:59,782 --> 00:37:02,002 He's real real rich. He's a TV producer- 729 00:37:02,002 --> 00:37:04,439 - That sounds too good to be true. 730 00:37:04,439 --> 00:37:07,094 - And he's gonna give me a TV show. 731 00:37:07,094 --> 00:37:08,748 I'm just gonna text him one more time 732 00:37:08,748 --> 00:37:10,619 and find out what's keepin' him. 733 00:37:10,619 --> 00:37:14,232 - [Pearl] Late so soon? Not a good sign. 734 00:37:15,407 --> 00:37:19,324 - An honest-to-god real TV show? 735 00:37:19,324 --> 00:37:20,412 What's his name? 736 00:37:20,412 --> 00:37:22,501 - Manfred Reitz. 737 00:37:22,501 --> 00:37:24,546 - Well, I'm glad I stopped by. 738 00:37:25,765 --> 00:37:27,332 You know, sweetie, 739 00:37:27,332 --> 00:37:31,510 you and I would be terrific together on TV. 740 00:37:31,510 --> 00:37:34,469 [gasps] We could do a mother/daughter thing. 741 00:37:34,469 --> 00:37:38,778 - What? No, Mama, I am the one who has a TV show. 742 00:37:38,778 --> 00:37:42,216 Me! And he's gonna tell you all about it. 743 00:37:44,914 --> 00:37:46,568 Whenever he arrives. 744 00:37:46,568 --> 00:37:48,266 - If he arrives. 745 00:37:48,266 --> 00:37:51,007 - He'll be here, Nunz. Just wait. 746 00:37:51,007 --> 00:37:54,010 [soft mellow music] 747 00:38:03,281 --> 00:38:04,456 He'll be here. 748 00:38:08,416 --> 00:38:13,421 [soft somber music] [broom whooshing] 749 00:38:21,429 --> 00:38:24,345 [gentle sad music] 750 00:39:02,949 --> 00:39:06,605 - Mama, I know the slow fade when I see the slow fade, 751 00:39:06,605 --> 00:39:09,434 and Mr. Reitz is not giving me the slow fade. 752 00:39:09,434 --> 00:39:11,218 [phone beeps] - Okay, sweetie. 753 00:39:11,218 --> 00:39:12,654 Whatever you say. - Mama, I gotta go, okay? 754 00:39:12,654 --> 00:39:13,829 - Well, don't forget. Channel 81. 755 00:39:15,788 --> 00:39:16,615 [phone beeps] 756 00:39:16,615 --> 00:39:18,181 - Hey. 757 00:39:18,181 --> 00:39:20,706 - Okay, so have you heard from Mr. Wrongs? 758 00:39:20,706 --> 00:39:23,099 - No, it's the slow fade. 759 00:39:23,099 --> 00:39:25,754 - That was the fast fade. 760 00:39:25,754 --> 00:39:27,843 - Oy, Mama was right. 761 00:39:27,843 --> 00:39:29,758 [gasps] Oh, Mama. 762 00:39:29,758 --> 00:39:31,325 - What? 763 00:39:31,325 --> 00:39:33,022 - [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, 764 00:39:33,022 --> 00:39:35,721 the Burning Ham from Birmingham 765 00:39:35,721 --> 00:39:38,811 and Donna Sue O'Donahue in... 766 00:39:38,811 --> 00:39:40,639 - What? - What? 767 00:39:40,639 --> 00:39:44,904 - [Announcer] The No Holds Barred Hallelujah Smack Down. 768 00:39:44,904 --> 00:39:48,298 - Satan, I'm gonna give you the Pork Grinder. [grunts] 769 00:39:48,298 --> 00:39:50,953 And then, I'm gonna give you the Hambone. 770 00:39:50,953 --> 00:39:52,477 Get behind me, Satan. 771 00:39:52,477 --> 00:39:54,522 I'm gonna go into God's convenience store, 772 00:39:54,522 --> 00:39:57,220 and I'm gonna get a good Big Gulp of God. 773 00:39:57,220 --> 00:39:59,005 That's right, I'm gonna drink it down, 774 00:39:59,005 --> 00:40:00,746 and I'm gonna feel refreshed. 775 00:40:00,746 --> 00:40:02,704 And I'm gonna say, "Lord oh mercy, 776 00:40:02,704 --> 00:40:06,099 this is some of the best Big Gulp I ever had." 777 00:40:06,099 --> 00:40:07,361 I see you sleepin'. 778 00:40:07,361 --> 00:40:09,407 - That's Mama's new man? 779 00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:10,973 - What's going on? 780 00:40:10,973 --> 00:40:13,062 - [The Burning Ham] Clean up your act. 781 00:40:13,062 --> 00:40:14,716 - [Announcer] A Manfred Reitz production. 782 00:40:15,935 --> 00:40:17,719 - Mr. Reitz? 783 00:40:17,719 --> 00:40:21,114 - Grab up your Bibles, good news grapplers. 784 00:40:21,114 --> 00:40:23,203 We got some wrastlin' to do. [electricity buzzing] 785 00:40:23,203 --> 00:40:24,204 When you wrastle with Satan- 786 00:40:24,204 --> 00:40:25,031 [electricity whooshes] 787 00:40:25,031 --> 00:40:26,424 - [gasps] Uh oh. 788 00:40:26,424 --> 00:40:27,555 - What? 789 00:40:27,555 --> 00:40:28,861 - My lights just went out. 790 00:40:28,861 --> 00:40:30,428 - Really? 791 00:40:30,428 --> 00:40:31,516 - It's my deadline for my phone too. 792 00:40:34,301 --> 00:40:35,128 Hello? 793 00:40:37,347 --> 00:40:38,174 Hey, Nunz? 794 00:40:41,090 --> 00:40:43,919 [Gilda Sue sighs] 795 00:40:48,228 --> 00:40:50,491 [Gilda Sue breathing shakily] 796 00:40:50,491 --> 00:40:54,364 Nunzia and Pearl were right. What was I thinkin'? 797 00:41:05,419 --> 00:41:06,420 [dramatic piano chord] 798 00:41:06,420 --> 00:41:09,249 [Gilda Sue shrieks] 799 00:41:24,656 --> 00:41:28,573 - [sighs] Your piano's out of tune. 800 00:41:30,705 --> 00:41:32,968 - What are you doing in my house? 801 00:41:34,535 --> 00:41:36,145 - You left the keys in the door. 802 00:41:36,145 --> 00:41:37,756 - What do you want? 803 00:41:37,756 --> 00:41:38,931 - Excuse me? 804 00:41:38,931 --> 00:41:39,758 - [Gilda Sue] What do you want? 805 00:41:39,758 --> 00:41:40,933 - Say it again. 806 00:41:40,933 --> 00:41:42,456 - [Gilda Sue] What do you want? 807 00:41:42,456 --> 00:41:43,544 - Million dollar question, Gilda Sue. 808 00:41:45,111 --> 00:41:46,373 - Who are you? 809 00:41:46,373 --> 00:41:47,853 - [scoffs] Even better. 810 00:41:50,290 --> 00:41:51,291 - I'm lost. 811 00:41:52,597 --> 00:41:53,772 - Who are you? 812 00:41:53,772 --> 00:41:55,904 What do you want? 813 00:41:55,904 --> 00:41:57,906 And what the hell are you doing here? 814 00:42:02,258 --> 00:42:04,130 - I'd like to return this book. 815 00:42:04,130 --> 00:42:06,132 - Really? Why's that? 816 00:42:07,786 --> 00:42:09,614 - [Gilda Sue] It's evil. 817 00:42:09,614 --> 00:42:13,052 - Oh, okay, I see. 818 00:42:14,532 --> 00:42:17,796 Book does a number on Mama, book's not so bad. 819 00:42:19,537 --> 00:42:24,411 The book does a number on Gilda Sue, book very bad indeed. 820 00:42:25,325 --> 00:42:26,326 - That is not fair! 821 00:42:26,326 --> 00:42:27,153 - [The Man] It ain't? 822 00:42:27,153 --> 00:42:28,720 - No! 823 00:42:28,720 --> 00:42:29,895 - The book's not the problem, Gilda Sue. 824 00:42:31,287 --> 00:42:32,462 The book's just a tool. 825 00:42:35,378 --> 00:42:36,858 - What are you sayin'? 826 00:42:41,210 --> 00:42:42,037 - Who are you? 827 00:42:43,604 --> 00:42:44,953 What do you want? 828 00:42:46,433 --> 00:42:48,000 And what the hell are you doing here? 829 00:42:49,784 --> 00:42:50,785 - But- - Shh! 830 00:42:52,047 --> 00:42:52,874 - I- - Shh, shh, shh, 831 00:42:52,874 --> 00:42:54,049 shh, shh, shh. 832 00:42:56,138 --> 00:42:57,139 The book, Gilda Sue. 833 00:42:58,706 --> 00:42:59,577 The book. 834 00:43:01,143 --> 00:43:04,843 Save it for the book. 835 00:43:06,801 --> 00:43:09,891 [footsteps thumping] 836 00:43:14,548 --> 00:43:16,942 [door thuds] 837 00:43:18,378 --> 00:43:20,946 [Gilda Sue breathing shakily] 838 00:43:20,946 --> 00:43:21,947 - Oh! 839 00:43:21,947 --> 00:43:25,037 [somber string music] 840 00:43:50,889 --> 00:43:52,499 - It sleeps pretty good. 841 00:43:52,499 --> 00:43:54,806 I'm only ever on it when I'm too drunk to drive. 842 00:43:54,806 --> 00:43:55,850 - I'm sure it's fine. 843 00:43:57,330 --> 00:43:58,505 - Alright, if you really wanna start tomorrow, 844 00:43:58,505 --> 00:44:00,986 we can use you, double shift. 845 00:44:00,986 --> 00:44:02,509 - Sounds perfect. 846 00:44:02,509 --> 00:44:04,163 - Alright, good night. 847 00:44:04,163 --> 00:44:04,990 - 'Night. 848 00:44:08,950 --> 00:44:12,519 [melancholic string music] 849 00:44:32,191 --> 00:44:35,455 [curious string music] 850 00:45:11,099 --> 00:45:13,449 - [Rabbi Spiderman] It's up to you, Gilda Sue. 851 00:45:13,449 --> 00:45:14,929 - [Senor La Casa] Well, that's up to you, Gilda Sue. 852 00:45:14,929 --> 00:45:17,584 - [The Man] That's up to you, Gilda Sue. 853 00:45:17,584 --> 00:45:20,718 [upbeat string music] 854 00:45:32,294 --> 00:45:34,775 [water plops] 855 00:45:56,666 --> 00:45:59,800 [comical piano music] 856 00:46:44,497 --> 00:46:45,498 [mellow jazz music] 857 00:46:45,498 --> 00:46:46,499 - Has it been that long? 858 00:46:46,499 --> 00:46:47,326 - It's been 20 minutes. 859 00:46:47,326 --> 00:46:48,327 - I'm on Yelp. 860 00:46:48,327 --> 00:46:49,502 - Hello, lovelies. 861 00:46:49,502 --> 00:46:50,982 I'm Gilda Sue Rosenstern. 862 00:46:51,939 --> 00:46:53,158 Welcome to Bitch! 863 00:46:55,595 --> 00:46:58,554 I'm just tickled pink to be here. Thank you for joining us. 864 00:47:00,165 --> 00:47:02,167 Can I get y'all anything to drink to start? 865 00:47:02,167 --> 00:47:06,127 - Yeah, I would like a caffeine-free diet lime cola. 866 00:47:06,127 --> 00:47:08,477 - Oh, I'm sorry. I don't have that. 867 00:47:08,477 --> 00:47:10,044 - You don't? 868 00:47:10,044 --> 00:47:12,525 - No, I have the regular cola and the diet cola. 869 00:47:12,525 --> 00:47:16,659 - You don't have any caffeine-free diet lime colas at all? 870 00:47:16,659 --> 00:47:18,400 - Oh, at all? No. 871 00:47:20,446 --> 00:47:23,101 - Okay, so we'll both have coffee, I guess. 872 00:47:23,101 --> 00:47:25,016 - [Ms. Hot Coffee] Yes. 873 00:47:27,583 --> 00:47:30,195 - Wait, what, I, you guess? I don't... 874 00:47:30,195 --> 00:47:32,110 I mean, when you say you guess, 875 00:47:32,110 --> 00:47:33,894 it makes me think you don't really know, 876 00:47:33,894 --> 00:47:37,506 and then I don't know if I should get the coffee for real. 877 00:47:37,506 --> 00:47:39,204 - We'll have coffee. 878 00:47:39,204 --> 00:47:41,162 It's gotta be fresh and hot. 879 00:47:41,162 --> 00:47:42,947 Is it hot and fresh? 880 00:47:42,947 --> 00:47:44,122 - Yeah. 881 00:47:44,122 --> 00:47:45,123 - It needs to be hot and fresh. 882 00:47:47,560 --> 00:47:48,648 - You waitin on that. 883 00:47:50,476 --> 00:47:51,694 You better pick one. 884 00:47:51,694 --> 00:47:53,348 Hot or fresh, not and. 885 00:47:54,436 --> 00:47:57,091 [comical music] 886 00:48:13,368 --> 00:48:14,935 - Ladies. 887 00:48:14,935 --> 00:48:17,503 - Great, good. Is this fresh, and is it hot? 888 00:48:17,503 --> 00:48:18,808 - [gasps] Crab cakes! 889 00:48:18,808 --> 00:48:20,462 - Oh, really? Is it decaf? 890 00:48:20,462 --> 00:48:21,986 - You know what? 891 00:48:21,986 --> 00:48:23,509 We're from Maryland, so we always like to ask, 892 00:48:23,509 --> 00:48:25,032 do your crab cakes have a lot of filler? 893 00:48:25,032 --> 00:48:26,904 - Oh, not a lot, I don't think. 894 00:48:26,904 --> 00:48:31,256 - Hmm, you see, because whenever I see crab cakes on a menu, 895 00:48:31,256 --> 00:48:33,127 you know, any place other than Maryland, 896 00:48:33,127 --> 00:48:35,913 we always wonder if they have any crab in them, 897 00:48:35,913 --> 00:48:37,392 actually, at all. 898 00:48:37,392 --> 00:48:39,003 - Uh, well, yeah, they've got crab in 'em. 899 00:48:39,003 --> 00:48:40,613 They're crab cakes. 900 00:48:40,613 --> 00:48:42,920 - Well, we like to ask, are they mostly filler, 901 00:48:42,920 --> 00:48:44,747 or are they mostly crab? 902 00:48:44,747 --> 00:48:48,360 Because we're from Maryland, and well, is this decaf? 903 00:48:48,360 --> 00:48:52,538 - Well, it's mostly crab, and no, that's, that's regular. 904 00:48:52,538 --> 00:48:53,539 - Really? - How do you know? 905 00:48:53,539 --> 00:48:54,844 - I made that myself. 906 00:48:54,844 --> 00:48:56,455 Not the crab cakes, but, um, 907 00:48:56,455 --> 00:48:58,674 I do know there is some filler 908 00:48:58,674 --> 00:48:59,937 in crab cakes. - Ah, there you go. 909 00:48:59,937 --> 00:49:01,373 There you go. 910 00:49:01,373 --> 00:49:03,288 So she admits -- mostly filler. I knew it. 911 00:49:03,288 --> 00:49:05,551 - We're from Maryland. Maryland crab cakes are crab- 912 00:49:05,551 --> 00:49:07,031 - I don't care where you're from, ma'am. 913 00:49:07,031 --> 00:49:08,946 I'm sorry, but they are crab cakes. 914 00:49:08,946 --> 00:49:11,296 The crab is the crab part. The cake is the cake part. 915 00:49:11,296 --> 00:49:13,080 If there wasn't any filler at all, it'd just be crab, 916 00:49:13,080 --> 00:49:14,255 but it's not just crab! 917 00:49:14,255 --> 00:49:15,648 It's crab cakes! Crab cakes! 918 00:49:15,648 --> 00:49:16,997 Crab! Cakes! 919 00:49:16,997 --> 00:49:20,000 [mellow jazz music] 920 00:49:22,655 --> 00:49:24,700 I'm just gonna give y'all another minute or two 921 00:49:24,700 --> 00:49:26,354 to look at the menu. 922 00:49:28,443 --> 00:49:29,618 - Is your coffee even hot? 923 00:49:29,618 --> 00:49:30,968 - Okay, it's actually too hot, 924 00:49:30,968 --> 00:49:32,099 but it's definitely not fresh. 925 00:49:32,099 --> 00:49:33,100 Don't drink that. 926 00:49:33,100 --> 00:49:34,972 What was her name again? 927 00:49:34,972 --> 00:49:36,843 - [Ms. Hot Coffee] Oh, I know what it is. Patsy Jo! 928 00:49:36,843 --> 00:49:39,933 [glasses shattering] 929 00:49:39,933 --> 00:49:42,675 - [Pearl] Gilda Sue, you are cut! 930 00:49:44,938 --> 00:49:47,201 [dishes clattering] 931 00:49:47,201 --> 00:49:48,028 Gilda Sue! 932 00:49:51,031 --> 00:49:53,120 Your daddy's secretary just called. 933 00:49:53,120 --> 00:49:54,774 - Here? For me? 934 00:49:54,774 --> 00:49:56,819 - He wants to see you in his office right away. 935 00:49:56,819 --> 00:49:59,605 - [gasps] I wonder how he knew to find me here. 936 00:49:59,605 --> 00:50:01,433 - Go on! Scoot! 937 00:50:01,433 --> 00:50:03,261 Your second shift starts at five. 938 00:50:03,261 --> 00:50:04,088 - Oy! 939 00:50:05,393 --> 00:50:08,483 [quirky piano music] 940 00:50:22,149 --> 00:50:25,239 [footsteps tapping] 941 00:50:25,239 --> 00:50:27,720 - [Receptionist] You need to sign in, Gilda Sue! 942 00:50:27,720 --> 00:50:29,113 - [Gilda Sue] Put it on my tab. 943 00:50:30,592 --> 00:50:33,117 - Max, you just come anytime you want. 944 00:50:33,117 --> 00:50:35,119 No appointment necessary. 945 00:50:35,119 --> 00:50:37,034 That includes your wife, your children, 946 00:50:37,034 --> 00:50:38,644 your dog, and your neighbor. 947 00:50:38,644 --> 00:50:40,080 Just walk on in. 948 00:50:40,080 --> 00:50:41,255 Absolutely, don't worry. [knocker banging] 949 00:50:41,255 --> 00:50:42,300 Come in. - Gilda Sue. 950 00:50:44,041 --> 00:50:45,955 - Ah, there's my beautiful daughter. 951 00:50:45,955 --> 00:50:48,306 Max, I'm gonna have to let you go. 952 00:50:48,306 --> 00:50:49,481 Okay. 953 00:50:49,481 --> 00:50:51,004 There's my bubala. 954 00:50:51,004 --> 00:50:54,094 - Daddy, have you gotten any of my messages? 955 00:50:54,094 --> 00:50:55,965 - Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie. 956 00:50:55,965 --> 00:50:58,185 Everything's been mishegoss lately. 957 00:50:58,185 --> 00:50:59,969 - It's that Laney Druffle, isn't it? 958 00:50:59,969 --> 00:51:03,973 - Don't worry about Laney. I'll handle her. 959 00:51:03,973 --> 00:51:06,715 - [gasps] Oh, Daddy, oh. 960 00:51:06,715 --> 00:51:07,760 Thank you. 961 00:51:07,760 --> 00:51:09,240 - Now. - Oh. 962 00:51:09,240 --> 00:51:11,285 - I want you to go and hand in your apron 963 00:51:11,285 --> 00:51:15,115 and go back to doing whatever it is you do. 964 00:51:15,115 --> 00:51:18,205 And I don't wanna hear anymore about waitressing. 965 00:51:18,205 --> 00:51:19,815 Do you understand? 966 00:51:19,815 --> 00:51:21,382 - How did you know about that anyway? 967 00:51:21,382 --> 00:51:23,341 - Honey, news of Zach Rosenstern's daughter 968 00:51:23,341 --> 00:51:25,169 travels fast in this town. 969 00:51:25,169 --> 00:51:26,300 - Really? 970 00:51:26,300 --> 00:51:28,563 [gasps] Zelda Weinberg. 971 00:51:28,563 --> 00:51:30,739 She was in this morning. I knew it was her. 972 00:51:30,739 --> 00:51:32,959 - Morty Weinberg called me this afternoon. 973 00:51:32,959 --> 00:51:36,441 That wife of his is making sure that everyone knows 974 00:51:36,441 --> 00:51:40,749 you're slinging hash in that . . . tavern. 975 00:51:40,749 --> 00:51:42,229 - So? 976 00:51:42,229 --> 00:51:43,535 - Do you know what Morty and Zelda's daughter 977 00:51:43,535 --> 00:51:46,364 is doing right now? 978 00:51:46,364 --> 00:51:47,800 Right now? 979 00:51:47,800 --> 00:51:49,628 - Probably nothin'. 980 00:51:49,628 --> 00:51:53,327 - Exactly. Her gynecologist husband is making sure of that . 981 00:51:53,327 --> 00:51:56,330 You don't have a gynecologist husband. 982 00:51:57,418 --> 00:51:59,812 - Daddy, are you ashamed of me? 983 00:51:59,812 --> 00:52:01,379 - [Daddy] Of course not, hon. 984 00:52:01,379 --> 00:52:03,511 - I mean, I'm not a total schlemiel. 985 00:52:06,732 --> 00:52:08,690 Daddy. [exhales] 986 00:52:08,690 --> 00:52:10,605 I know you thought I'd have been married 987 00:52:10,605 --> 00:52:12,912 to a real mensch by now. 988 00:52:12,912 --> 00:52:14,392 Me too. 989 00:52:14,392 --> 00:52:16,263 The only thing I see myself marrying 990 00:52:16,263 --> 00:52:18,439 in the near future is ketchup. 991 00:52:18,439 --> 00:52:22,400 But, Daddy, I can't live my whole life 992 00:52:22,400 --> 00:52:24,445 just worryin' about what your more successful 993 00:52:24,445 --> 00:52:26,317 former business partners might think. 994 00:52:26,317 --> 00:52:29,146 - Morty Weinberg is not more successful than I am. 995 00:52:29,146 --> 00:52:30,843 - The truth of the matter is... 996 00:52:33,802 --> 00:52:35,456 Daddy, for the first time in my life, 997 00:52:35,456 --> 00:52:37,241 I'm actually proud of myself. 998 00:52:46,163 --> 00:52:47,642 So, if you'll excuse me, 999 00:52:49,383 --> 00:52:51,603 I have a dinner date with some ketchup bottles. 1000 00:52:53,387 --> 00:52:56,564 [bright lively music] 1001 00:53:02,179 --> 00:53:04,790 Hey! Pearl, I'm sorry I'm late. 1002 00:53:04,790 --> 00:53:07,662 I just have to run to the potty, and then I'm good to go. 1003 00:53:07,662 --> 00:53:09,490 - [Pearl] Hurry up! 1004 00:53:09,490 --> 00:53:12,145 And you're in station three tonight, Gilda Sue. 1005 00:53:12,145 --> 00:53:17,106 [soft string music] [diners chattering] 1006 00:53:18,760 --> 00:53:21,546 - Excuse me. Did he just call you Gilda Sue? 1007 00:53:21,546 --> 00:53:23,200 Your name is Gilda Sue? 1008 00:53:23,200 --> 00:53:25,463 - Rosenstern, yeah. 1009 00:53:25,463 --> 00:53:28,074 - Of the "Gilda Sue Rosenstern Computer Internet Show?" 1010 00:53:28,074 --> 00:53:29,423 - It is you. 1011 00:53:29,423 --> 00:53:30,859 - We've been looking for you. 1012 00:53:30,859 --> 00:53:32,731 - Oh, uh. [chuckles] 1013 00:53:32,731 --> 00:53:34,428 What credit card company are y'all from? 1014 00:53:34,428 --> 00:53:36,604 - We're from Shrew! Magazine. 1015 00:53:36,604 --> 00:53:39,216 - [gasps] Shrew!? 1016 00:53:40,652 --> 00:53:42,436 I love Shrew! 1017 00:53:42,436 --> 00:53:45,222 - Everyone in the office thinks your show is a scream. 1018 00:53:45,222 --> 00:53:48,007 Oh, we especially love the vaginal weights episode. 1019 00:53:48,007 --> 00:53:50,139 - Y'all watch my show? 1020 00:53:50,139 --> 00:53:52,185 - How would you like to kick it up a notch? 1021 00:53:52,185 --> 00:53:56,102 - Shrew! is branching out into the world of new media. 1022 00:53:56,102 --> 00:53:57,799 - The computer internet! 1023 00:53:57,799 --> 00:54:00,628 - And we're starting off with a web series, 1024 00:54:00,628 --> 00:54:03,631 a reality show featuring a day in the life 1025 00:54:03,631 --> 00:54:06,243 of a typical Shrew! Reader. 1026 00:54:06,243 --> 00:54:07,809 - You were our first choice, 1027 00:54:07,809 --> 00:54:09,855 but your webpage seems to have gone down, 1028 00:54:09,855 --> 00:54:11,422 and we didn't know how to reach you. 1029 00:54:11,422 --> 00:54:14,729 - Uh, well, I couldn't, I couldn't pay the, um, 1030 00:54:16,035 --> 00:54:17,558 you know, my credit card was... 1031 00:54:17,558 --> 00:54:20,605 I have a couple things I need to take care of. 1032 00:54:20,605 --> 00:54:22,084 Are y'all for real? 1033 00:54:22,084 --> 00:54:23,390 - We're for real. 1034 00:54:23,390 --> 00:54:24,696 Are you interested? 1035 00:54:24,696 --> 00:54:27,220 - Well, does it pay cash money? 1036 00:54:27,220 --> 00:54:29,831 - I think you'll be quite pleased with the terms. 1037 00:54:29,831 --> 00:54:31,964 - Why don't you come down to the office tomorrow morning? 1038 00:54:31,964 --> 00:54:34,706 We'll draw up the contract and get the ball rolling. 1039 00:54:34,706 --> 00:54:35,533 [joyful music] 1040 00:54:43,715 --> 00:54:44,716 [tape whooshing] 1041 00:54:44,716 --> 00:54:47,632 [lively world music] 1042 00:55:02,951 --> 00:55:03,778 - Hey! 1043 00:55:06,259 --> 00:55:07,913 Hey! Look who it is. 1044 00:55:23,581 --> 00:55:27,019 - Did those Shrew! folks say anything about the Ham and me 1045 00:55:27,019 --> 00:55:29,717 making a special appearance or anything? 1046 00:55:29,717 --> 00:55:30,631 - No, Mama. 1047 00:55:32,111 --> 00:55:35,114 Well, not yet. 1048 00:55:35,114 --> 00:55:36,289 [fist banging] 1049 00:55:36,289 --> 00:55:37,290 - [The Burning Ham] Donna Sue? 1050 00:55:37,290 --> 00:55:38,857 - Speak of the Devil. 1051 00:55:40,598 --> 00:55:42,077 - What are y'all doing? 1052 00:55:42,077 --> 00:55:43,296 Now come on, honey, let's go home. 1053 00:55:43,296 --> 00:55:44,428 It's getting weird out here. 1054 00:55:44,428 --> 00:55:46,168 - Well, you go on, Hammy. 1055 00:55:46,168 --> 00:55:48,954 I wanna stay and celebrate a little longer. 1056 00:55:48,954 --> 00:55:50,434 - All right, see you at the house. 1057 00:55:50,434 --> 00:55:53,045 - Hey, congratulations, Tilda Lou, yeah. Oh. 1058 00:55:56,353 --> 00:56:00,052 - Your daddy and I are so proud of you, Gilda Sue. 1059 00:56:00,052 --> 00:56:00,879 - What? 1060 00:56:02,010 --> 00:56:03,708 - Well, [exhales] really? 1061 00:56:05,231 --> 00:56:07,407 - You know, speaking of your daddy, 1062 00:56:07,407 --> 00:56:09,540 I believe we have a little more to talk about. 1063 00:56:09,540 --> 00:56:10,541 - Mama. 1064 00:56:10,541 --> 00:56:11,933 - Don't you forget it. 1065 00:56:20,289 --> 00:56:23,205 [knuckles tapping] 1066 00:56:24,293 --> 00:56:26,165 - There's somebody in here. 1067 00:56:26,165 --> 00:56:30,735 - [Senor La Casa] Gilda Sue, is that you in there? 1068 00:56:30,735 --> 00:56:32,389 - Senor La Casa? 1069 00:56:32,389 --> 00:56:34,260 - Si. 1070 00:56:34,260 --> 00:56:37,045 I came to congratulate you on your great fortune. 1071 00:56:37,045 --> 00:56:39,483 Hey, you're really gonna be a bigshot TV star? 1072 00:56:39,483 --> 00:56:41,310 - Uh huh. Well, sorta. 1073 00:56:42,573 --> 00:56:45,097 - Felicidades, senorita. You're famous. 1074 00:56:46,359 --> 00:56:47,795 - I know. 1075 00:56:47,795 --> 00:56:49,710 Well, almost. 1076 00:56:49,710 --> 00:56:52,844 - [chuckles] Hey, hey, you found a place to stay yet? 1077 00:56:52,844 --> 00:56:54,498 I mean, because you've, uh- 1078 00:56:54,498 --> 00:56:57,370 - Because I've solved my dinero problema? 1079 00:56:58,763 --> 00:57:01,156 No? Is my old place still available? 1080 00:57:01,156 --> 00:57:06,161 - Ah, mi casa is su casa. 1081 00:57:06,901 --> 00:57:08,337 Gilda Sue casa! 1082 00:57:08,337 --> 00:57:10,470 - Oh, gracias, Senor. 1083 00:57:13,168 --> 00:57:15,693 [upbeat music] 1084 00:57:34,059 --> 00:57:35,974 - Congratulations, girl. 1085 00:57:35,974 --> 00:57:38,585 Don't worry about this mess. We'll get it in the morning. 1086 00:57:38,585 --> 00:57:41,501 - Thank you, Pearl. Oh, you're so great. 1087 00:57:41,501 --> 00:57:42,894 - You done good after all, 1088 00:57:42,894 --> 00:57:45,331 Gilda Sue. - Oh, thank you. 1089 00:57:45,331 --> 00:57:48,160 Now you guys be super super careful. 1090 00:57:49,466 --> 00:57:50,728 Go. You got it? 1091 00:57:54,253 --> 00:57:57,256 [Gilda Sue exhales] 1092 00:58:02,087 --> 00:58:02,914 Oh. 1093 00:58:05,699 --> 00:58:07,179 - Cut! 1094 00:58:07,179 --> 00:58:09,224 Okay, we're gonna go again. 1095 00:58:09,224 --> 00:58:11,531 And this time, could you be a little bit less cheerful? 1096 00:58:11,531 --> 00:58:13,664 Could you be a little sadder? 1097 00:58:13,664 --> 00:58:16,841 [eerie ominous music] 1098 00:58:19,234 --> 00:58:21,628 When you go to the mailbox and you get the mail 1099 00:58:21,628 --> 00:58:24,283 and you see that you've gotten your monthly Shrew! 1100 00:58:24,283 --> 00:58:25,893 that's when you're joyful. 1101 00:58:25,893 --> 00:58:29,070 [eerie ominous music] 1102 00:58:30,594 --> 00:58:32,160 Gilda Sue? 1103 00:58:32,160 --> 00:58:35,076 Okay, okay. Back to one, everybody. 1104 00:58:37,383 --> 00:58:39,516 Rolling, speed. 1105 00:58:40,517 --> 00:58:41,343 Action! 1106 00:58:42,910 --> 00:58:45,913 [slow string music] 1107 01:00:41,725 --> 01:00:43,727 - I am so sorry that I'm late. 1108 01:00:43,727 --> 01:00:48,122 I've been doing this weird kind of cleanse last week, 1109 01:00:48,122 --> 01:00:50,559 and I'll tell you, it makes me feel two again. 1110 01:00:50,559 --> 01:00:52,953 I've got no control over my bowels. 1111 01:00:52,953 --> 01:00:55,042 I'm so sorry I'm late. 1112 01:00:55,042 --> 01:00:57,262 I was in the middle of a two-hour savasana, 1113 01:00:57,262 --> 01:00:59,394 spiraling through the astral planes 1114 01:00:59,394 --> 01:01:00,700 on the back of a silverback. 1115 01:01:00,700 --> 01:01:02,267 You would not believe it. 1116 01:01:02,267 --> 01:01:04,182 Gilda Sue, I am ever so sorry I'm late. 1117 01:01:04,182 --> 01:01:06,663 I was at the gym, and I was bench pressing. 1118 01:01:06,663 --> 01:01:09,535 - You know, we've been very generosity toward you, 1119 01:01:09,535 --> 01:01:11,493 and it would break my heart if you left. 1120 01:01:11,493 --> 01:01:13,365 I'd have an emotional scar. 1121 01:01:14,496 --> 01:01:17,064 [man laughing] 1122 01:01:21,068 --> 01:01:21,895 Take. Take eight. Three. 1123 01:01:25,420 --> 01:01:26,900 [man exhales] 1124 01:01:26,900 --> 01:01:28,859 - If I had renewed my membership- 1125 01:01:28,859 --> 01:01:30,556 [actress cracks up] 1126 01:01:30,556 --> 01:01:31,688 - I'm sorry. 1127 01:01:31,688 --> 01:01:33,602 - That's what makes it so great. 1128 01:01:33,602 --> 01:01:36,083 Nobody in the world could get Mr. Right off muh-face. 1129 01:01:36,083 --> 01:01:37,955 That's not the line. 1130 01:01:37,955 --> 01:01:39,870 I don't think they could get Mr. Face off muh-face if, 1131 01:01:39,870 --> 01:01:42,350 Mister, I don't think they could get. 1132 01:01:42,350 --> 01:01:45,049 Nobody could get Mr. Right off muh-face if they tried. 1133 01:01:47,181 --> 01:01:48,008 - Cut. 1134 01:01:49,836 --> 01:01:52,012 She and Daddy are having the time of their illicit lives, 1135 01:01:52,012 --> 01:01:54,972 and I have to hear about it every blessed day they're gone. 1136 01:01:56,321 --> 01:01:57,757 [actress cracks up] 1137 01:01:57,757 --> 01:01:59,367 Cut. 1138 01:01:59,367 --> 01:02:00,891 - It's super duper not a funny story. 1139 01:02:00,891 --> 01:02:02,370 - I might say not a funny story, 1140 01:02:02,370 --> 01:02:04,068 but it's definitely not 1141 01:02:04,068 --> 01:02:05,243 super not funny. - What's your name again? 1142 01:02:05,243 --> 01:02:06,635 What is your first name again? 1143 01:02:06,635 --> 01:02:07,636 - Raymond. 1144 01:02:07,636 --> 01:02:10,204 [both laughing] 1145 01:02:10,204 --> 01:02:11,728 - Why was that funny? Cut. 1146 01:02:11,728 --> 01:02:13,164 - Those shoes take you to heaven. 1147 01:02:13,164 --> 01:02:14,513 'Cause I got shoes, you got shoes 1148 01:02:14,513 --> 01:02:16,123 All God's children got shoes 1149 01:02:16,123 --> 01:02:17,777 When I get to heaven, gonna put on my shoes 1150 01:02:17,777 --> 01:02:19,910 Gonna go all over God's heaven, that's right 1151 01:02:19,910 --> 01:02:21,476 - Donna Sue, can we just have a different... 1152 01:02:21,476 --> 01:02:23,522 No, that's fine. That's great, nevermind. 1153 01:02:23,522 --> 01:02:26,699 [crew laughing] 1154 01:02:26,699 --> 01:02:28,919 This is what a real director does. 1155 01:02:28,919 --> 01:02:31,051 - [Crew Member] Change everything you're doing! 1156 01:02:31,051 --> 01:02:33,271 - No! Change nothing! 1157 01:02:33,271 --> 01:02:34,576 Okay, do it again. 1158 01:02:34,576 --> 01:02:36,056 - Is that the line? - No. 1159 01:02:36,056 --> 01:02:37,666 - What about your soul? It needs afflicting. 1160 01:02:37,666 --> 01:02:39,407 Skipping Yom Kippur, what about- 1161 01:02:39,407 --> 01:02:40,931 - [Kelly] He's so irritated with me, 1162 01:02:40,931 --> 01:02:42,933 and this is your big point for me. 1163 01:02:42,933 --> 01:02:46,240 - Being irritated at this point is not actually acting. 1164 01:02:46,240 --> 01:02:47,764 [Kelly laughing] 1165 01:02:47,764 --> 01:02:48,765 - [Kelly] Okay, okay. Here we go. 1166 01:02:48,765 --> 01:02:50,114 - This is so much fun. 1167 01:03:08,175 --> 01:03:09,437 - [Gilda Sue] Well, thanks so much. 1168 01:03:09,437 --> 01:03:10,612 - You take care. - It's been a, 1169 01:03:10,612 --> 01:03:11,918 it's just been a pleasure. 1170 01:03:11,918 --> 01:03:13,790 Okay. 1171 01:03:13,790 --> 01:03:14,965 - [Mr. Lives In His Van] Watch out for the hoodoos. 1172 01:03:14,965 --> 01:03:16,836 - [Gilda Sue] Yeah, bye bye now. 1173 01:03:16,836 --> 01:03:18,882 - [Mr. Lives In His Van] All right, you take care now.