1
00:00:01,201 --> 00:00:04,170
>> WE HAVE NEW EVIDENCE OF LIES
IN THE CASE OF REPUBLICAN
2
00:00:04,237 --> 00:00:06,740
CONGRESSMAN GEORGE SANTOS.
NOW THERE'S AN OLD WIKIPEDIA
3
00:00:06,806 --> 00:00:10,043
PAGE THAT POLITICO FOUND,
CLAIMING, FOR INSTANCE, HE HAD A
4
00:00:10,110 --> 00:00:13,246
ROLE ON A POPULAR DISNEY CHANNEL
PROGRAM, "HANNAH MONTANA."
5
00:00:13,313 --> 00:00:15,715
♪ ♪ ♪
6
00:01:03,530 --> 00:01:09,235
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE
SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
7
00:01:09,302 --> 00:01:10,970
TONIGHT:
8
00:01:13,039 --> 00:01:17,644
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES:
NATHAN LANE
9
00:01:17,710 --> 00:01:19,612
AND SAM JAY
10
00:01:21,281 --> 00:01:25,919
FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE
LATE SHOW BAND.
11
00:01:25,985 --> 00:01:31,324
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
12
00:01:31,391 --> 00:01:46,272
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
13
00:01:46,339 --> 00:01:57,717
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
14
00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:04,057
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HAPPY MONDAY,
15
00:02:04,123 --> 00:02:04,924
CORI.
HAPPY MONDAY.
16
00:02:04,991 --> 00:02:07,994
THAT'S RIGHT.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
17
00:02:08,061 --> 00:02:10,730
AWE STEPHEN!
STEPHEN.
18
00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:13,433
>> Stephen: SHHH!
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, DOWN HERE,
19
00:02:13,500 --> 00:02:17,303
UP THERE TO "THE LATE SHOW."
THANK YOU, SIR.
20
00:02:17,370 --> 00:02:23,042
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
21
00:02:23,109 --> 00:02:27,747
I'M SURE YOU'RE ASKING WHAT ARE
WE GOING TO TALK ABOUT TONIGHT?
22
00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:30,316
I'M AFRAID THAT'S CLASSIFIED,
BECAUSE THERE'S AN UPDATE IN THE
23
00:02:30,383 --> 00:02:32,485
ONGOING STORY OF DOCMENTS BEING
FOUND AT PRESIDENT BIDEN'S
24
00:02:32,552 --> 00:02:35,822
OFFICE AND HOME.
AND I'LL TELL YOU THE LATEST IN
25
00:02:35,889 --> 00:02:37,323
MY UNFORTUNATELY RECURRING
SEGMENT:
26
00:02:37,390 --> 00:02:46,499
WHAT'S UP: DOCS!
YOOO-HOO!
27
00:02:46,566 --> 00:02:49,502
LET ME CATCH YOU UP.
AS OF LAST WEEK, BIDEN AIDES AND
28
00:02:49,569 --> 00:02:52,171
THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT HAD FOUND
ABOUT 20 CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS.
29
00:02:52,238 --> 00:02:55,208
BUT THAT TOTAL WENT UP ON
FRIDAY, WHEN THE F.B.I.
30
00:02:55,275 --> 00:02:57,844
SEARCHED BIDEN'S DELAWARE HOME
AND FOUND SIX ADDITIONAL ITEMS
31
00:02:57,911 --> 00:03:01,881
THAT CONTAINED DOCUMENTS WITH
CLASSIFIED MARKINGS.
32
00:03:01,948 --> 00:03:04,617
HOW COULD AMERICA BE
$31 TRILLION IN DEBT AND,
33
00:03:04,684 --> 00:03:09,789
APPARENTLY, NO ONE IN THE
EXECUTIVE BRANCH HAS EVER
34
00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:13,126
PURCHASED A SHREDDER?
APPARENTLY, ALL POLITICIANS JUST
35
00:03:13,192 --> 00:03:15,929
HOARD CLASSIFIED MATERIAL.
I'M STARTING TO WONDER HOW JIMMY
36
00:03:15,995 --> 00:03:18,565
CARTER INSULATES ALL THOSE
HABITATS FOR HUMANITY.
37
00:03:18,631 --> 00:03:19,766
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
38
00:03:19,832 --> 00:03:22,268
CHECK IT OUT.
YOU SHOULD CHECK IT OUT.
39
00:03:22,335 --> 00:03:28,374
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CHECK IT OUT!
40
00:03:28,441 --> 00:03:34,681
THE NEW DOCUMENTS FOUND ON
FRIDAY INCLUDED HANDWRUN NOTES
41
00:03:34,747 --> 00:03:40,486
AND SPANNED BIDEN'S TIME IN THE
SENATE AND AS VICE PRESIDENT.
42
00:03:40,553 --> 00:03:44,457
THE SENATE?
HE JOINED THE SENATE-- NO LIE--
43
00:03:44,524 --> 00:03:48,094
50 YEARS AGO.
THOSE NOTES ARE ANCIENT.
44
00:03:48,161 --> 00:03:49,362
ONE OF THEM WAS, "FIND OUT WHO
PUT THE BOP IN THE BOP SHOO
45
00:03:49,429 --> 00:03:53,433
BOP SHOO BOP."
OF COURSE, REPUBLICANS WANT TO
46
00:03:53,499 --> 00:03:56,836
SAY BIDEN'S SITUATION IS THE
SAME AS THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S,
47
00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:59,906
BUT THERE'S ONE BIG DIFFERENCE:
THEY'RE DIFFERENT.
48
00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:02,375
( LAUGHTER )
FOR INSTANCE, PRESIDENT BIDEN
49
00:04:02,442 --> 00:04:05,378
AGREED TO "A PLANNED,
CONSENSUAL SEARCH" AND
50
00:04:05,445 --> 00:04:07,847
VOLUNTARILY ALLOWED THE F.B.I.
INTO HIS HOME.
51
00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:10,283
SO HE'S EITHER COOPERATING, OR
HIS ADULT CHILDREN ARE TRYING TO
52
00:04:10,350 --> 00:04:12,952
GET SOMEONE ELSE TO CLEAN OUT
GRANDPA'S JUNK.
53
00:04:13,019 --> 00:04:17,090
"HELLO?
F.B.I.?
54
00:04:17,156 --> 00:04:18,691
YES, I'M PRETTY SURE POP-POP'S
PROBABLY GOT STATE SECRETS IN
55
00:04:18,758 --> 00:04:20,393
THE ATTIC.
YEAH, YEAH, THEY'RE IN THERE
56
00:04:20,460 --> 00:04:23,196
WITH ALL HIS OLD "LIFE"
MAGAZINES.
57
00:04:23,262 --> 00:04:25,765
COULD YOU COME TAKE ALL OF THEM
AWAY?
58
00:04:25,832 --> 00:04:32,939
( LAUGHTER )
STILL, IT SUCKS, IT SUCKS THAT
59
00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:38,611
THEY KEEP FINDING ADDITIONAL
DOCUMENTS.
60
00:04:38,678 --> 00:04:42,548
THEY FOUND THE FIRST ONES 82
DAYS AGO, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
61
00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:46,653
AND THEY KEEP FINDING LITTLE
BITS MORE ALL THE TIME.
62
00:04:46,719 --> 00:04:47,920
IT'S, UH, NEWS PEOPLE, HELP ME
OUT.
63
00:04:47,987 --> 00:04:49,756
>> IT IS THIS DRIP, DRIP, DRIP
OF REVELATIONS AND DISCOVERIES.
64
00:04:49,822 --> 00:04:51,057
>> THIS DRIP, DRIP, DRIP-- THIS
IS YET ANOTHER DRIP.
65
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:52,158
>>> THIS DRIP, DRIP, DRIP JUST
CONTINUES.
66
00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:53,126
>> WE CONTINUE TO FIND DRIP,
DRIP, DRIP.
67
00:04:53,192 --> 00:04:54,861
>> DRIP, DRIP, DRIP.
>> DRIP, DRIP, DRIP.
68
00:04:54,927 --> 00:05:03,736
>> DRIP, DRIP, DRIP.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
69
00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:08,307
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
THANK YOU.
70
00:05:08,374 --> 00:05:10,977
WHY NOT.
MAKES SENSE.
71
00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:16,215
GLAD YOU KNOW.
SPEAKING OF THINGS I'VE BEEN
72
00:05:16,282 --> 00:05:18,885
SPEAKING ABOUT A LOT LATELY,
REPUBLICAN REPRESENTATIVE GEORGE
73
00:05:18,951 --> 00:05:21,821
SANTOS--
( BOOING )
74
00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:23,990
SEEN HERE ASKING AN OLD LADY THE
NAME OF HER FIRST PET.
75
00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:25,925
BY NOW, IT'S BEEN PRETTY WELL
ESTABLISHED THAT SANTOS IS A
76
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:29,429
LIAR, AND HE SHOULD DEFINITELY
RESIGN.
77
00:05:29,495 --> 00:05:31,030
AND I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO
THINKS THAT.
78
00:05:31,097 --> 00:05:33,533
SO DOES NEW YORK CONGRESSMAN
RITCHIE TORRES.
79
00:05:33,599 --> 00:05:35,168
>> GEORGE SANTOS DEFRAUDED HIS
WAY INTO THE UNITED STATES
80
00:05:35,234 --> 00:05:36,169
CONGRESS.
HE HAS NO BUSINESS BEING A
81
00:05:36,235 --> 00:05:40,306
MEMBER OF CONGRESS.
HIS ONLY PURPOSE IS TO BE A
82
00:05:40,373 --> 00:05:47,814
PUNCHLINE FOR LATE-NIGHT COMEDY.
>> Stephen: I KNOW.
83
00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:51,317
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I KNOW.
84
00:05:51,384 --> 00:05:55,054
( APPLAUSE )
ISN'T IT GREAT?
85
00:05:55,121 --> 00:05:57,957
( LAUGHTER )
LET'S DO SOME NOW!
86
00:05:58,024 --> 00:05:59,625
LAST WEEK, YOU'LL RECALL THAT
PHOTOS AND VIDEOS EMERGED OF
87
00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:01,761
SANTOS PERFORMING AS A DRAG
QUEEN IN BRAZIL.
88
00:06:01,828 --> 00:06:05,231
HE DENIED IT AND CALLED THE
CLAIMS "OUTRAGEOUS" AND
89
00:06:05,298 --> 00:06:11,104
"CATEGORICALLY FALSE."
TURNS OUT, THE CATEGORY OF THE
90
00:06:11,170 --> 00:06:13,973
FALSENESS WAS "TRUE," AS HE TOLD
REPORTERS THIS WEEKEND.
91
00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:16,909
>> I WAS NOT A DRAG QUEEN IN
BRAZIL, GUYS.
92
00:06:16,976 --> 00:06:19,412
I WAS YOUNG, AND I HAD FUN AT A
FESTIVAL.
93
00:06:19,479 --> 00:06:26,519
SUE ME FOR HAVING A LIFE.
( LAUGHTER )
94
00:06:26,586 --> 00:06:28,354
>> Stephen: OH, OH, GEORGE.
NO ONE'S MAD AT YOU FOR HAVING
95
00:06:28,421 --> 00:06:29,822
A LIFE.
THEY'RE MAD AT YOU FOR HAVING,
96
00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:33,793
LIKE, FIVE LIVES.
THAT'S GREEDY.
97
00:06:33,860 --> 00:06:35,995
IN THAT VIDEO, SANTOS IS WALKING
THROUGH A NEW YORK AIRPORT,
98
00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:43,402
WHICH EXPLAINS HIS NEW DRAG
NAME, "LAGUARDIA CAROUSEL."
99
00:06:43,469 --> 00:06:52,145
HE ALSO--
( APPLAUSE )
100
00:06:52,211 --> 00:06:54,914
SANTOS ALSO DODGED A QUESTION
ABOUT HISLIE THAT HIS MOTHER
101
00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:57,083
DIED ON 9/11.
>> WAS YOUR MOTHER AT THE WORLD
102
00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:58,017
TRADE CENTER ON 9/11?
>> GUYS, LOOK, LOOK.
103
00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:00,920
THIS ISN'T HOW YOU CONDUCT AN
INTERVIEW.
104
00:07:00,987 --> 00:07:04,257
>> Stephen: ADDING, "AND I WOULD
KNOW, OR MY NAME ISN'T
105
00:07:04,323 --> 00:07:08,394
'THE CAST OF THE VIEW!'"
( LAUGHTER )
106
00:07:08,461 --> 00:07:10,296
THAT WASN'T THE FIRST TIME
SANTOS ACKNOWLEDGED THAT HE DID
107
00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:12,165
DRAG.
THIS WEEKEND, INTERNET SLEUTHS
108
00:07:12,231 --> 00:07:16,035
FOUND AN OLD WIKIPEDIA PAGE FROM
2011 WITH THE NAME ANTHONY
109
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:18,805
DEVOLDER-- A SANTOS ALIAS-- IN
WHICH HE CONFIRMED THAT HE
110
00:07:18,871 --> 00:07:22,942
PARTICIPATED IN DRAG SHOWS AS A
TEENAGER LIVING IN BRAZIL.
111
00:07:23,009 --> 00:07:27,380
FINALLY, JUST TELL THE TRUTH.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH DOING
112
00:07:27,446 --> 00:07:29,849
DRAG!
UNLESS YOU PAIR NUDE PANTYHOSE
113
00:07:29,916 --> 00:07:37,523
WITH AN OPEN-TOED PUMP.
'CAUSE, GIRL, THERE IS NO COMING
114
00:07:37,590 --> 00:07:46,199
BACK FROM THAT, OKAY.
( APPLAUSE )
115
00:07:46,265 --> 00:07:50,102
THE WIKIPEDIA BIO ALSO DELVES
INTO SOME DELICIOUS NEW LIES,
116
00:07:50,169 --> 00:07:55,474
WITH "DEVOLDER" FALSELY CLAIMING
TO HAVE "'STARTED' IN A FEW TV
117
00:07:55,541 --> 00:07:57,844
SHOWS AND DISNEY CHANNEL SHOWS,
SUCH AS THE HIT 'HANNAH
118
00:07:57,910 --> 00:08:01,480
MONTANA.'"
OKAY, SCAMMING VETERANS AND
119
00:08:01,547 --> 00:08:05,284
LYING ABOUT YOUR MOM DYING ON
9/11 IS ONE THING.
120
00:08:05,351 --> 00:08:12,692
BUT VIOLATING THE SANCTITY OF
"HANNAH MONTANA"?
121
00:08:12,758 --> 00:08:13,926
SIR, YOU DO NOT DESERVE "THE
BEST OF BOTH WORLDS."
122
00:08:13,993 --> 00:08:19,498
OR A "HOEDOWN THROW-DOWN."
OR A THIRD SONG I DID NOT HAVE
123
00:08:19,565 --> 00:08:23,236
TIME TO GOOGLE.
BOTTOM LINE, THIS IS CONGRESS,
124
00:08:23,302 --> 00:08:25,438
NOT A PARTY IN THE U.S.A.!
( LAUGHTER )
125
00:08:25,504 --> 00:08:31,110
( APPLAUSE )
WHICH IS-- NOT-- THAT'S NOT
126
00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:40,353
HANNA BUT THAT'S...
IT DOES MAKE SENSE HE'D IDENTIFY
127
00:08:40,419 --> 00:08:41,754
WITH HANNAH MONTANA.
THEY BOTH LEAD DOUBLE LIVES,
128
00:08:41,821 --> 00:08:43,489
THEY'RE BOTH WANTED
INTERNATIONALLY, AND THEY'RE
129
00:08:43,556 --> 00:08:45,658
BOTH THE SUPERSTAR CHILDREN OF
BILLY RAY CYRUS.
130
00:08:45,725 --> 00:08:48,594
THIS "ANTHONY DEVOLDER" ALSO
CLAIMS TO HAVE APPEARED ON
131
00:08:48,661 --> 00:08:52,765
"THE SUITE LIFE OF ZACK AND
CODY."
132
00:08:52,832 --> 00:08:55,668
OKAY, I SERIOUSLY DOUBT HE WAS
IN ANY DISNEY SHOWS.
133
00:08:55,735 --> 00:09:00,840
THOUGH, I'M PRETTY SURE HE WAS
IN NICKELODEON'S "NO, I CARLY."
134
00:09:00,907 --> 00:09:04,911
THE BIO CLAIMS SANTOS'S FIRST
MAJOR FILM ROLE WAS IN THE
135
00:09:04,977 --> 00:09:14,153
NONEXISTENT 2009 MOVIE "THE
INVASION."
136
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:16,622
'START-TING' ALICIA SILVER STONE
AND UMA TURMAN.
137
00:09:16,689 --> 00:09:17,890
OH, I LOVE UMA TURMAN!
SHE WAS SO GOOD IN "PURP
138
00:09:17,957 --> 00:09:25,831
FURCTION."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
139
00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:30,369
PURP?
"PURP FURCTION."
140
00:09:30,436 --> 00:09:32,071
WE ALSO HAD SOME NEWS FROM THE
FORMER PRESIDENT OVER THE
141
00:09:32,138 --> 00:09:33,906
WEEKEND.
THROUGHOUT HIS CAMPAIGN, HE
142
00:09:33,973 --> 00:09:37,009
FREQUENTLY APPEARED WITH
YOUTUBE MAGA INFLUENCER SISTERS,
143
00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:40,446
DIAMOND AND SILK.
UNFORTUNATELY, LYNETTE "DIAMOND"
144
00:09:40,513 --> 00:09:43,449
HARDAWAY RECENTLY PASSED AWAY.
AND ON SATURDAY, THE FORMER
145
00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:47,753
PRESIDENT ATTENDED HER MEMORIAL
SERVICE AND GAVE A EULOGY WHERE
146
00:09:47,820 --> 00:09:49,855
HE SPOKE HIGHLY OF THE WOMAN WHO
DID SO MUCH TO HELP HIS
147
00:09:49,922 --> 00:09:56,095
CAMPAIGN... IN BETWEEN
COMPLAINTS ABOUT HOW LONG THE
148
00:09:56,162 --> 00:09:57,830
FUNERAL WAS GOING.
>> THEY TOLD ME, JUST GIVE ME A
149
00:09:57,897 --> 00:10:00,066
LITTLE TIME.
I'VE GOT A LOT OF PEOPLE WAITING
150
00:10:00,132 --> 00:10:01,100
FOR ME BACK IN A PLACE CALLED
PALM BEACH, FLORIDA.
151
00:10:01,167 --> 00:10:02,368
THEY SAID, GIVE ME A LITTLE
TIME.
152
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:05,972
WHAT DO YOU THINK IT'LL TAKE?
ABOUT 15-20 MINUTES, IN AND OUT.
153
00:10:06,038 --> 00:10:08,274
I SAID 'WELL IT COULD TAKE
LONGER.'
154
00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:14,580
THIS IS A LITTLE LONGER THAN 15
MINUTES, RIGHT?
155
00:10:14,647 --> 00:10:16,615
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S AN
UNUSUAL VIBE FOR A EULOGY.
156
00:10:16,682 --> 00:10:18,084
"LOSING GRANDPA REMINDS US THAT
EVERY MINUTE IS PRECIOUS,
157
00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:20,553
ESPECIALLY 'CUZ YOUR BOY HERE'S
GOT A 3:00 TEE TIME.
158
00:10:20,619 --> 00:10:22,288
CHOP-CHOP.
LET'S CRY IT OUT AND DROP THAT
159
00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:25,624
POP!"
( LAUGHTER )
160
00:10:25,691 --> 00:10:28,461
DURING HIS REMARKS, THE FORMER
PRESIDENT MAINTAINED ALL THE
161
00:10:28,527 --> 00:10:30,029
FOCUS AND SOLEMNITY OF A
BUMBLEBEE TRAPPED INSIDE A
162
00:10:30,096 --> 00:10:35,735
BALLOON.
( LAUGHTER )
163
00:10:35,801 --> 00:10:37,670
HERE'S--
( APPLAUSE )
164
00:10:37,737 --> 00:10:41,507
HERE'S ANOTHER PART-- QUALITY
IMAGE, GOOD IMAGE.
165
00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:43,476
HERE'S ANOTHER PART OF HIS
MEMORIAL FOR ONE OF HIS BIGGEST
166
00:10:43,542 --> 00:10:46,078
SUPPORTERS:
>> SO COMMON SENSE WOULD TELL
167
00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:49,515
YOU ALL OF THESE THINGS--
INFLATION WAS CAUSED BY ENERGY.
168
00:10:49,582 --> 00:10:54,253
THEY STOPPED THE ENERGY, AND ALL
OF A SUDDEN, YOUR GASOLINE WENT
169
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:59,191
FROM $1.87 A GALLON TO 5, 6, 7--
IN CALIFORNIA, $8 A GALLON.
170
00:10:59,258 --> 00:11:04,497
AND WHEN YOUR BAKER MAKES HIS
CAKES AND WHEN YOUR HOSPITALS
171
00:11:04,563 --> 00:11:07,466
CREATE HEAT, AND ALL OF THE
DIFFERENT THINGS YOU NEED THIS
172
00:11:07,533 --> 00:11:12,405
FOR, EVERYTHING GOES UP.
AND YOU LOOK AT WHAT INFLATION
173
00:11:12,471 --> 00:11:16,776
HAS DONE TO MANY OTHER
COUNTRIES.
174
00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:18,878
IT IS AN ABSOLUTE DEATH
SENTENCE.
175
00:11:18,944 --> 00:11:22,214
BUT YOUR SISTER DIAMOND WAS
TAKEN FROM US MUCH TOO SOON.
176
00:11:22,281 --> 00:11:30,089
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
177
00:11:30,156 --> 00:11:31,824
>> Stephen: WE'RE JACK-KNIFING!
POINT IS, I'M SORRY FOR YOUR
178
00:11:31,891 --> 00:11:37,596
LOSS!"
( LAUGHTER )
179
00:11:37,663 --> 00:11:41,000
BUT HE DID EVENTUALLY SAY A FEW
WORDS ABOUT THE THING ON
180
00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:43,536
EVERYONE'S MIND:
>> WHEN I DID "THE APPRENTICE,"
181
00:11:43,602 --> 00:11:45,438
IT BECAME THE NUMBER-ONE SHOW IN
TELEVISION, AND IT DID WELL FOR
182
00:11:45,504 --> 00:11:47,606
YEARS.
AND THEY RECOMMENDED ARNOLD
183
00:11:47,673 --> 00:11:50,242
SCHWARZENEGGER.
NOW, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER IS A
184
00:11:50,309 --> 00:11:53,846
BIG MOVIE STAR, RIGHT?
AND HE-- I MEAN, I SAID, "THAT
185
00:11:53,913 --> 00:11:57,750
SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA.
HE SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO"--
186
00:11:57,817 --> 00:12:00,820
WELL, I WANTED TO SEE IT TOO
WELL.
187
00:12:00,886 --> 00:12:03,722
ALTHOUGH, I'M NOT THAT SURE
ABOUT THAT.
188
00:12:03,789 --> 00:12:05,124
WELL, HE DID REALLY POORLY.
HE GOT NO RATINGS.
189
00:12:05,191 --> 00:12:06,659
THAT THING WAS A DISASTER.
WELL, THEY GOT MARTHA, TOO,
190
00:12:06,725 --> 00:12:07,960
RIGHT?
MARTHA STEWART, SHE-- THEY PUT
191
00:12:08,027 --> 00:12:09,762
HER IN THERE.
THAT WAS A DISASTER.
192
00:12:09,829 --> 00:12:11,797
>> Stephen: IS THERE ANY WAY
MARTHA STEWART COULD TAKE
193
00:12:11,864 --> 00:12:14,233
OVER THIS EULOGY?
( LAUGHTER )
194
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:16,769
( APPLAUSE )
BECAUSE EVEN IF SHE JUST FROSTED
195
00:12:16,836 --> 00:12:20,372
A CUPCAKE, IT WOULD BE MORE
APPROPRIATE.
196
00:12:20,439 --> 00:12:25,444
THE EX-PREZ FINALLY GAVE WORDS
OF COMFORT TO THE WOMAN WHO HAD
197
00:12:25,511 --> 00:12:28,080
BEEN AT DIAMOND'S SIDE FOR EVERY
APPEARANCE SHE EVER MADE: HER
198
00:12:28,147 --> 00:12:29,782
SISTER SILK.
>> I KNEW DIAMOND, BUT I DIDN'T
199
00:12:29,849 --> 00:12:31,750
KNOW SILK AT ALL.
I JUST LEARNED ABOUT SILK.
200
00:12:31,817 --> 00:12:37,590
YOU'RE FANTASTIC.
YOU'RE GOING TO CARRY ON BEYOND,
201
00:12:37,656 --> 00:12:39,758
BEYOND ANYBODY'S WILDEST
IMAGINATION.
202
00:12:39,825 --> 00:12:42,695
>> Stephen: IF YOU JUST LEARNED
ABOUT SILK, I'M GONNA GO AHEAD
203
00:12:42,761 --> 00:12:45,664
AND SAY YOU DIDN'T KNOW MUCH
ABOUT DIAMOND.
204
00:12:45,731 --> 00:12:48,901
THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "I'M A
LIFELONG FAN OF GARFUNKEL, BUT
205
00:12:48,968 --> 00:12:59,979
WHO IS THIS SIMON I'M JUST
HEARING ABOUT?
206
00:13:00,045 --> 00:13:01,580
DID THEY DO ANYTHING
TOGETHER?"
207
00:13:01,647 --> 00:13:03,415
IT'S AN ESPECIALLY WEIRD THING
TO SAY GIVEN
208
00:13:03,482 --> 00:13:07,786
ALL.
THESE.
209
00:13:07,853 --> 00:13:08,487
PICTURES.
OF.
210
00:13:08,554 --> 00:13:09,955
THEM.
TOGETHER.
211
00:13:10,022 --> 00:13:11,991
INCLUDING THIS ONE OF THE FORMER
PRESIDENT HOLDING SILK'S HAND
212
00:13:12,057 --> 00:13:13,826
AND LOOKING INTO HER EYES.
WHAT IS HE SAYING THERE?
213
00:13:13,893 --> 00:13:16,996
"I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET YOU
SOMEDAY"?
214
00:13:17,062 --> 00:13:18,164
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
215
00:13:18,230 --> 00:13:21,667
MY GUESTS ARE NATHAN LANE AND
COMEDIAN SAM JAY.
216
00:13:21,734 --> 00:13:23,669
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL TELL
YOU ABOUT THE LATEST DATING
217
00:13:23,736 --> 00:13:26,839
TRENDS THAT YOU DON'T KNOW
ABOUT, AND NEITHER SHOULD I.
218
00:14:06,779 --> 00:14:07,913
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK.
219
00:14:07,980 --> 00:14:10,082
GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND
THE LATE SHOW BAND RIGHT OVER
220
00:14:10,149 --> 00:14:14,687
THERE!
TONIGHT WE HAVE TWO DELIGHTFUL
221
00:14:14,753 --> 00:14:17,957
GUESTS UP HERE.
AN AMERICAN TREASURE,s A
222
00:14:18,023 --> 00:14:22,828
CROWNING JEWEL OF BROADWAY,
NATHAN LANE WILL BE HERE
223
00:14:22,895 --> 00:14:24,296
TONIGHT.
>> Louis: THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S
224
00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:26,599
RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AND SAM JAY IS
225
00:14:26,665 --> 00:14:28,801
HERE THIS EVENING.
>> Louis: THAT'S RIGHT.
226
00:14:28,867 --> 00:14:31,537
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
227
00:14:31,604 --> 00:14:42,214
>> Louis: YES, INDEED
>> Stephen: FOLKS, I LOVE LOVE,
228
00:14:42,281 --> 00:14:43,649
OR AS THE FRENCH CALL IT,
"LA BIBLIOTHEQUE."
229
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,551
AND I LIKE TO KEEP YOU UP ON ALL
THE LATEST TRENDS IN THE WORLD
230
00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:46,452
OF LOVE AND DATING IN MY SEXY
SEGMENT:
231
00:14:46,518 --> 00:14:48,854
♪ ♪ ♪
( SULTRY VOICE )
232
00:14:48,921 --> 00:14:53,158
>> ROMANSPLAINING WITH STEPHEN
COLBERT.
233
00:14:53,225 --> 00:15:08,107
( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
234
00:15:08,173 --> 00:15:09,775
( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
235
00:15:09,842 --> 00:15:14,246
>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE
LOVE DEN.
236
00:15:14,313 --> 00:15:18,417
FIRST UP ON ROMANSPLAINING:
THERE'S A NEW TREND FOR FOLKS
237
00:15:18,484 --> 00:15:19,952
WHO ARE ALREADY COUPLED UP
BECAUSE, REPORTEDLY,
238
00:15:20,019 --> 00:15:21,787
NON-MONOGAMY IS ON THE RISE.
REALLY SOUNDS LIKE THAT STORY
239
00:15:21,854 --> 00:15:24,456
WAS WRITTEN BY A GUY WHO WANTS
TO HAVE SEX WITH OTHER PEOPLE
240
00:15:24,523 --> 00:15:26,925
( LAUGHTER )
MORE BREAKING NEWS FROM THE SAME
241
00:15:26,992 --> 00:15:30,362
AUTHOR: "STUDIES SHOW KEY TO
LONG LIFE IS BUTT STUFF!"
242
00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:38,470
( LAUGHTER )
I'M PRETTY SURE MY WRITERS JUST
243
00:15:38,537 --> 00:15:40,739
WANTED ME TO SAY THE PHRASE,
"BUTT STUFF.
244
00:15:40,806 --> 00:15:42,541
THE.
NO SURPRISE, NON-MONOGAMY CAN BE
245
00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:45,978
COMPLICATED.
IF YOU WANT TO TRY IT, YOU'VE
246
00:15:46,045 --> 00:15:51,583
GOTTA SET SOME GROUND RULES,
FROM THE BEGINNING, LIKE WHETHER
247
00:15:51,650 --> 00:15:53,118
OR NOT YOU AND YOUR PARTNER WANT
TO LISTEN TO STORIES ABOUT EACH
248
00:15:53,185 --> 00:15:54,820
OTHER'S NON-MONOGAMOUS
ENCOUNTERS.
249
00:15:54,887 --> 00:15:56,488
AND I'M GUESSING THAT'S HARDER
ON WHOEVER'S HAD FEWER
250
00:15:56,555 --> 00:15:58,424
ENCOUNTERS:
"OH, SO YOU AND RAUL MADE LOVE
251
00:15:58,490 --> 00:16:01,093
RIGHT THERE ON THE BEACH?
WELL, I ALSO DID SOMETHING
252
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:03,128
PRETTY WILD IN PUBLIC: I CRIED
ON A BENCH."
253
00:16:03,195 --> 00:16:06,899
( LAUGHTER )
RIGHT OVER THERE WHERE I COULD
254
00:16:06,965 --> 00:16:11,103
SEE YOU AND RAUL THE WHOLE TIME.
( LAUGHTER )
255
00:16:11,170 --> 00:16:13,372
NEXT UP, MANY SINGLES ARE SO
BUSY THAT THEY ARE FALLING
256
00:16:13,439 --> 00:16:18,844
VICTIM TO SOMETHING CALLED
"ONLY PLANS," WHERE POTENTIAL
257
00:16:18,911 --> 00:16:21,547
PARTNERS ALWAYS MAKE PLANS BUT
NEVER ACTUALLY GET TOGETHER IN
258
00:16:21,613 --> 00:16:25,918
PERSON.
DOESN'T SOUND THAT BAD
259
00:16:25,984 --> 00:16:28,053
TO ME.
MY IDEA OF PHONE SEX IS GETTING
260
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:32,725
A CALL THAT SAYS THAT THE DINNER
HAS BEEN CANCELED.
261
00:16:32,791 --> 00:16:35,294
"OOOH, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I'M
WEARING TONIGHT:
262
00:16:35,361 --> 00:16:37,963
A KETCHUP-STAINED HOODIE,
SWEATPANTS, AND MISMATCHED
263
00:16:38,030 --> 00:16:41,400
SOCKS."
( LAUGHTER )
264
00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:44,169
BUT FOR SINGLES, THIS BEHAVIOR
CAN BE TROUBLING.
265
00:16:44,236 --> 00:16:48,374
MAYBE THE OTHER PERSON'S BUSY,
BUT "ONLY PLANS" COULD BE A SIGN
266
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:52,811
THAT A POTENTIAL PARTNER IS
"UNCERTAIN ABOUT WHETHER THEY
267
00:16:52,878 --> 00:16:55,381
TRULY WANT TO DATE ANYONE
PROPERLY AT ALL-- A.K.A.
268
00:16:55,447 --> 00:16:59,918
'HESIDATING'."
OR MAYBE THEY JUST WANT TO SPEND
269
00:16:59,985 --> 00:17:02,955
TIME ALONE, A PHENOMENON EXPERTS
CALL "MASTURDATING."
270
00:17:03,021 --> 00:17:06,825
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
271
00:17:06,892 --> 00:17:14,666
( CHEERS )
NEXT UP, WE'RE HEARING ABOUT A
272
00:17:14,733 --> 00:17:20,139
POST-BREAKUP TREND INSPIRED BY
CELEBRITIES LIKE OLIVIA WILDE
273
00:17:20,205 --> 00:17:22,307
AND KIM KARDASHIAN CALLED
180 DATING, WHERE YOU REBOUND BY
274
00:17:22,374 --> 00:17:25,811
STARTING A RELATIONSHIP WITH A
YOUNGER, UNEXPECTED PARTNER.
275
00:17:25,878 --> 00:17:32,418
OF COURSE, THIS HAS BEEN A TREND
FOR A LONG TIME WITH MIDDLE-
276
00:17:32,484 --> 00:17:35,454
AGED MEN, WHO CALL IT, "HEY
KIDS, REMEMBER YOUR AU PAIR?"
277
00:17:35,521 --> 00:17:40,492
( LAUGHTER )
THAT STRUCK AN UNEXPECTED NERVE!
278
00:17:40,559 --> 00:17:45,631
( LAUGHTER )
SOMEONE HAS AN AU PAIR.
279
00:17:45,697 --> 00:17:50,436
THE ARTICLE THAT MADE UP THIS
TREND SAYS THAT "180 DATING CAN
280
00:17:50,502 --> 00:17:53,305
HELP PEOPLE FEEL REJUVENATED
AND RE-ENERGIZED AFTER A TOUGH
281
00:17:53,372 --> 00:17:56,508
TIME.
IT'S OFTEN ABOUT FEELING SILLY,
282
00:17:56,575 --> 00:18:07,119
SPIRITED, AND SEXY AGAIN."
BUT IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A
283
00:18:07,186 --> 00:18:10,189
MASSIVE AGE DIFFERENCE TO MAKE
YOU FEEL REJUVENATED,
284
00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:12,090
REENERGIZED, AND SILLY, WHY NOT
SHOW UP AT YOUR NEXT PARTY WITH
285
00:18:12,157 --> 00:18:14,860
DICK VAN DYKE?
( LAUGHTER )
286
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:17,629
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AT 97, THAT MAN CAN STILL SWEEP
287
00:18:17,696 --> 00:18:28,207
A CHIMNEY.
( LAUGHTER )
288
00:18:28,273 --> 00:18:32,344
FINALLY, IF YOU FEEL LIKE PEOPLE
ARE PLAYING TOO MANY GAMES,
289
00:18:32,411 --> 00:18:35,547
YOU'LL BE GLAD TO LEARN ABOUT
BAE REALING, WHICH IS THE RISE
290
00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:38,784
OF AUTHENTIC AND TRUE-SELF
DATING PROFILES WHERE SINGLES
291
00:18:38,851 --> 00:18:40,619
SHARE UNFILTERED PICTURES,
HONEST COMMENTARY, AND PLAY NO
292
00:18:40,686 --> 00:18:43,021
GAMES.
THAT KIND OF HONESTY IS
293
00:18:43,088 --> 00:18:45,424
REFRESHING.
INSTEAD OF A PROFILE PIC OF YOU
294
00:18:45,491 --> 00:18:51,430
WITH A TIGER, JUST POST ONE
OF YOU WITH TONY THE TIGER.
295
00:18:51,497 --> 00:18:54,099
BUT THERE ARE MANY MORE NEW
DATING TRENDS OUT THERE, AND WE
296
00:18:54,166 --> 00:18:57,703
KNOW ALL ABOUT THEM, BECAUSE WE
MADE THEM UP.
297
00:18:57,769 --> 00:19:03,008
FOR EXAMPLE, IF NON-MONOGAMY
ISN'T FOR YOU, TRY MOM-NOGAMY,
298
00:19:03,075 --> 00:19:05,177
WHERE YOU CAN'T DATE AT ALL
BECAUSE NO ONE IS GOOD ENOUGH
299
00:19:05,244 --> 00:19:07,980
FOR YOUR MOTHER.
( AS MOTHER )
300
00:19:08,046 --> 00:19:08,981
"I SENT HER HOME, BRIAN!
ONLY LOOSE WOMEN WEAR
301
00:19:09,047 --> 00:19:16,455
CORDUROYS!"
ZIP, ZIP, ZIP, ZIP!
302
00:19:16,522 --> 00:19:20,425
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SOUND IS.
IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO FOLLOW THE
303
00:19:20,492 --> 00:19:22,694
LATEST CELEBRITY DATING TRENDS,
YOU SHOULD TRY AVATAR-2-ING.
304
00:19:22,761 --> 00:19:25,430
THAT'S WHEN YOU WAIT 13 YEARS TO
GET BACK TOGETHER WITH SOMEONE,
305
00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:29,535
AND WHEN YOU FINALLY DO, YOU'RE
LIKE, "THIS IS BASICALLY THE
306
00:19:29,601 --> 00:19:34,306
SAME THINK, EXCEPT WE'RE DOING
IT IN FRONT OF A WHALE."
307
00:19:34,373 --> 00:19:41,580
( LAUGHTER )
FINALLY, IF YOU'RE NOT INTO 180
308
00:19:41,647 --> 00:19:45,617
DATING, YOU SHOULD TRY I-80
DATING, WHICH IS WHEN YOU GO OUT
309
00:19:45,684 --> 00:19:46,818
WITH WHOEVER YOU FIND ON THE
OFF-RAMP BETWEEN
310
00:19:46,885 --> 00:19:50,322
PARSIPPANY AND HACKENSACK.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH NATHAN LANE.
311
00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:14,780
>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY!
312
00:20:14,846 --> 00:20:19,985
MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS AN
EMMY AND THREE-TIME TONY
313
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:22,120
AWARD-WINNING ACTOR.
HE IS BACK ON BROADWAY IN THE
314
00:20:22,187 --> 00:20:24,856
NEW PLAY, "PICTURES FROM
HOME."
315
00:20:24,923 --> 00:20:28,493
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE
SHOW," NATHAN LANE.
316
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:43,442
♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )
317
00:20:43,508 --> 00:20:52,184
♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )
318
00:20:52,250 --> 00:20:55,187
>> HOW ABOUT THAT?
THANK YOU, ALL, VERY MUCH.
319
00:20:55,253 --> 00:20:57,255
THANK YOU.
p ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
320
00:20:57,322 --> 00:21:01,393
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
321
00:21:01,460 --> 00:21:02,928
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
>> WOW.
322
00:21:02,995 --> 00:21:05,163
>> Stephen: PLEASE, PLEASE.
I LIKE THE PIN STRIPES.
323
00:21:05,230 --> 00:21:06,732
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen:
324
00:21:06,798 --> 00:21:12,904
>> RAINY DAYS AND MONDAYS ALWAYS
GET ME DOWN, BUT NOT WHEN I'M
325
00:21:12,971 --> 00:21:18,076
WITH YOU, STEPHEN.
I HOPE IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO SAY
326
00:21:18,143 --> 00:21:21,146
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU AND THE
LOVELY EVIE.
327
00:21:21,213 --> 00:21:26,485
I>> Stephen: NOT AT ALL.
>> AS GEORGE SANTOS LIKES TO
328
00:21:26,551 --> 00:21:30,555
SAY, "WHOLE NEW YEAR, WHOLE NEW
ME.
329
00:21:30,622 --> 00:21:35,027
( APPLAUSE )
AND I'M GETTING ORGANIZED MARIE
330
00:21:35,093 --> 00:21:36,495
KONDO STYLE.
>> Stephen: THIS YEAR?
331
00:21:36,561 --> 00:21:40,298
>> YES, I WENT THROUGH THE
GARAGE,s AND I THREW OUT ALL
332
00:21:40,365 --> 00:21:43,935
CONFIDENTIAL DOCUMENTS THAT
DON'T SPARK JOY.
333
00:21:44,002 --> 00:21:46,204
>> Stephen: IT'S IMPORTANT.
EVERYBODY SHOULD DO THAT.
334
00:21:46,271 --> 00:21:48,173
>> FEEL BETTER.
>> Stephen: SUNSHINE THE LAST
335
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:49,574
TIME WE WERE TOGETHER--
>> YES.
336
00:21:49,641 --> 00:21:52,344
>> Stephen: AND IT'S BEEN TOO
LONG.
337
00:21:52,411 --> 00:21:54,279
>> YES.
>> Stephen: THAT'S MY FAULT, I
338
00:21:54,346 --> 00:21:57,349
APOLOGIZE.
YOU WON AN EMMY FOR YOUR
339
00:21:57,416 --> 00:21:58,450
PERFORMANCE--
>> YES.
340
00:21:58,517 --> 00:22:05,157
>> Stephen: YOUR GUEST
PERFORMER ON "ONLY MURDERS IN
341
00:22:05,223 --> 00:22:07,125
THE BUILDING."
CONGRATULATIONS ON THAT.
342
00:22:07,192 --> 00:22:09,561
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: MY UNDERSTANDING
343
00:22:09,628 --> 00:22:13,298
IS-- MY UNDERSTANDING-- AND
CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG-- BY
344
00:22:13,365 --> 00:22:16,401
DOING SO, WITH THIS NOMINATION
YOU SET A RECORD OF SOME FORTH.
345
00:22:16,468 --> 00:22:20,105
>> YES, THIS WAS MY FIRST
PRIME-TIME EMMY.
346
00:22:20,172 --> 00:22:21,206
I DO HAVE TWO DAYTIME EMMYS
WHICH AS YOU KNOW ARE FILLED
347
00:22:21,273 --> 00:22:24,409
WITH CHOCOLATE AND NOT TAKEN
QUITE AS SERIOUSLY.
348
00:22:24,476 --> 00:22:28,013
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW
THIS,s IF YOU HAVE FOUR
349
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:31,817
DAYTIME EMMYS YOU CAN TRADE THEM
FOR A PRIME-TIME EMMY.
350
00:22:31,883 --> 00:22:39,257
WITH TWO DAYTIME EMMYS CAN ONLY
GET FUZZY DICE AND A BABY YODA
351
00:22:39,324 --> 00:22:41,860
CHIA PET.
THIS WAS VERY EXCITING.
352
00:22:41,927 --> 00:22:46,098
AMAZINGLY TO ME, YES, I AM NOW
THE MOST NOMINATED GUEST ACTOR
353
00:22:46,164 --> 00:22:49,000
IN EMMY HISTORY FOR THIS.
( APPLAUSE ).
354
00:22:49,067 --> 00:22:51,002
>> Stephen: OKAY, OUTSTANDING
ACHIEVEMENT IN A GUEST
355
00:22:51,069 --> 00:22:54,906
PERFORMANCE BY A MEOW-MEOW, AND
A MEOW-MEOW.
356
00:22:54,973 --> 00:22:57,809
>> YES, IT WAS MY SEVENTH
NOMINATION.
357
00:22:57,876 --> 00:23:00,212
THE SEVENTH TIME WAS THE CHARM,
AS THEY SAY.
358
00:23:00,278 --> 00:23:04,282
>> Stephen: SURE, SURE.
>> IT WAS FOR THE ROLE OF TEDDY
359
00:23:04,349 --> 00:23:06,952
DIMAS, IN "MURDER IN THE
BUILDING."
360
00:23:07,018 --> 00:23:10,722
I HAVE A DEAF SON AND WE KUCT
WITH AMERICAN SIGN LANGUAGE AND
361
00:23:10,789 --> 00:23:14,493
I FIND IT INTERESTING AT THE
TIME I FINALLY WON IS AN EPISODE
362
00:23:14,559 --> 00:23:16,495
IN WHICH I WAS COMPLETELY
SILENT.
363
00:23:16,561 --> 00:23:21,233
( APPLAUSE )
ALL-- ALL THESE YEARS-- ALL
364
00:23:21,299 --> 00:23:25,003
THESE YEARS, THE ACADEMY WAS
JUST WAITING FOR ME TO SHUT UP.
365
00:23:25,070 --> 00:23:26,505
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: WELL, LET'S TALK
366
00:23:26,571 --> 00:23:28,907
ABOUT THE NEXT SHOW OF YOURS.
>> OH, YES.
367
00:23:28,974 --> 00:23:30,308
>> Stephen: AND THAT IS
PICTURE.
368
00:23:30,375 --> 00:23:33,245
>> YES.
>> JUST AROUND THE CORNER AT
369
00:23:33,311 --> 00:23:35,647
STUDIO 54 HERE.
WHAT IS IT ABOUT, AND WHOM ARE
370
00:23:35,714 --> 00:23:37,516
YOU?
>> YES, YES.
371
00:23:37,582 --> 00:23:42,687
AS YOU CAN GUESS, I'M NOT A COCK
EYED OPTIMIST, BUT AUDIENCES
372
00:23:42,754 --> 00:23:46,224
REALLY SEEM TO BE LOVING THIS
PLAY.
373
00:23:46,291 --> 00:23:47,459
IT --
>> Stephen: AS A MATTER OF
374
00:23:47,526 --> 00:23:48,827
FACT--
>> THERE YOU GO.
375
00:23:48,894 --> 00:23:52,164
THERE YOU GO.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL PIECE WRITTEN
376
00:23:52,230 --> 00:23:58,570
BY SHARR WHITE, DIRECTED LIE
BARTLETT SHER, AND BASED ON THE
377
00:23:58,637 --> 00:24:02,340
PHOTO BOOK MEMOIR BY THE
PHOTOGRAPHER LARRY SULTAN.
378
00:24:02,407 --> 00:24:05,744
FOR A PERIOD OF ALMOST 10 YEARS,
HE PHOTOGRAPHED AND INTERVIEWED
379
00:24:05,811 --> 00:24:12,417
HIS PARENTS, USING THEM AS HIS
SUBJECTS TO FOCUS ON ISSUES OF
380
00:24:12,484 --> 00:24:15,287
FAMILY, MORTALITY, AND EVEN THE
NOTION OF POLITICIZING FAMILY,
381
00:24:15,353 --> 00:24:18,790
AS THEY DID IN THE REAGAN YEARS.
AND IT'S ALSO HIS WAY, I THINK,
382
00:24:18,857 --> 00:24:23,728
OF TRYING TO GET TO KNOW HIS
FATHER, TO UNDERSTAND HIM, AND
383
00:24:23,795 --> 00:24:24,763
HIMSELF.
>> Stephen: THE PHOTOS ARE
384
00:24:24,830 --> 00:24:29,434
BEAUTIFUL.
>> IT'S A BEAUTIFUL BOOK.
385
00:24:29,501 --> 00:24:34,606
SO DANNY BERSTEIN, THE WONDERFUL
AND DANNY BER SCENE, AND ZOE
386
00:24:34,673 --> 00:24:39,177
WANAMAKER, PLAY LARRY AND THE
MOTHER, JEANNE, AND I PLAY THE
387
00:24:39,244 --> 00:24:41,713
FATHER IRV.
IN ORDER TO DIFFERENTIATE IN
388
00:24:41,780 --> 00:24:44,616
TERMS OF AGE, AND EVEN THOUGH
WE'RE NOT TOTALLY TRYING TO LOOK
389
00:24:44,683 --> 00:24:47,719
EXACTLY LIKE THE REAL PEOPLE,
JUST TO SUGGEST, WE ALL HAVE TO
390
00:24:47,786 --> 00:24:50,956
WEAR WIGS.
NOW, I KNOW YOU HAVE WORN WIGS
391
00:24:51,022 --> 00:24:52,123
IN PAST.
>> Stephen: I HAVE.
392
00:24:52,190 --> 00:24:53,558
IS THIS THE ONE?
SHOULD WE SHOW THE PEOPLE?
393
00:24:53,625 --> 00:24:54,860
>> NOT YET.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
394
00:24:54,926 --> 00:24:58,563
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: I WANT TO DO MY
395
00:24:58,630 --> 00:25:00,131
PART.
I JUST WANT TO DO MY PART.
396
00:25:00,198 --> 00:25:01,967
>> YOU'RE DOING IT VERY WELL.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
397
00:25:02,033 --> 00:25:06,004
>> THESE WIGS-- YOU KNOW, WIGS
ARE-- IT'S NOT LIKE THEY CAN
398
00:25:06,071 --> 00:25:10,775
JUST PLOP ONE ON YOU RIGHT OFF
THE RACK AND GO PERFECT.
399
00:25:10,842 --> 00:25:13,545
IT TAKES A WHILE TO GET IT
RIGHT.
400
00:25:13,612 --> 00:25:14,613
>> Stephen: THEY'RE VERY
ELABORATE.
401
00:25:14,679 --> 00:25:17,048
>> YES, THEY ARE.
DANNY'S WAS DARK BROWN, AND MINE
402
00:25:17,115 --> 00:25:20,886
WAS TOTALLY WHITE.
WHEN WE FIRST GOT THEM I LOOKED
403
00:25:20,952 --> 00:25:27,125
LIKE SUPERMAN'S FATHER JERLE, IF
HE HAD RETIRED TO MIAMI BEACH.
404
00:25:27,192 --> 00:25:29,794
AND DANNY'S LOOKED LIKE BOB'S
BIG BOY.
405
00:25:29,861 --> 00:25:31,997
WHICH IS NOT WHAT WE WERE GOING
FOR.
406
00:25:32,063 --> 00:25:33,965
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> BUT CERTAINLY A PLAY I'D LIKE
407
00:25:34,032 --> 00:25:35,166
TO SEE.
( LAUGHTER )
408
00:25:35,233 --> 00:25:42,374
I CAN HEAR-- I HEAR GERLE
SPEAKING, "YOU WILL TRAVEL FAR,
409
00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:47,412
BIG BOY.
YOU WILL MAKE MY STRENGTH YOUR
410
00:25:47,479 --> 00:25:52,050
OWN, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, YOU
WILL SERVE CLASSIC AMERICAN
411
00:25:52,117 --> 00:25:55,553
DINER FARE, AT REASONABLE
PRICES, RIGHT?
412
00:25:55,620 --> 00:25:57,622
>> Stephen: SURE.
( APPLAUSE ).
413
00:25:57,689 --> 00:26:00,225
>> Stephen: THAT'S ANOTHER
EMMY.
414
00:26:00,292 --> 00:26:02,527
I SMELL ANOTHER EMMY.
>> SO, ANYWAY, THEY TAKE THEM
415
00:26:02,594 --> 00:26:04,496
AWAY AND THEY DIAL THEM DOWN A
BIT.
416
00:26:04,562 --> 00:26:08,433
AND NOW I SORT OF HAVE A JAUNTY,
PHIL DONOGHUE THING HAPPENING.
417
00:26:08,500 --> 00:26:10,335
AND DANNY LOOK LIKES--
>> Stephen: WHEN DO I GET TO
418
00:26:10,402 --> 00:26:13,772
SHOW IT.
>> DANNY LOOKS LIKE A BRUNO MARS
419
00:26:13,838 --> 00:26:15,507
STUNT DOUBLE YOU.
HERE, NOW YOU CAN SHOW IT.
420
00:26:15,573 --> 00:26:18,143
( LAUGHTER )
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
421
00:26:18,209 --> 00:26:21,413
>> Stephen: IT'S VERY PHIL.
>> THE THING IS --
422
00:26:21,479 --> 00:26:23,581
>> Stephen: IT LOOKS VERY
REAL.
423
00:26:23,648 --> 00:26:27,719
>> I HAD A TRAUMATIZING FACIAL
HAIR EXPERIENCE IN A HIGH SCHOOL
424
00:26:27,786 --> 00:26:30,021
PLAY YEARS AGO, AND I NEVER
QUITE GOT OVER IT.
425
00:26:30,088 --> 00:26:32,824
SO THAT'S WHAT MY FEAR OF HAIR
IS.
426
00:26:32,891 --> 00:26:35,260
>> Stephen: IS THIS?
>> THIS IS ME IN "ARSENIC AND
427
00:26:35,327 --> 00:26:37,162
OLD LACE."
>> Stephen: IN HIGH SCHOOL.
428
00:26:37,228 --> 00:26:39,998
>> IN HIGH SCHOOL.
( APPLAUSE ).
429
00:26:40,065 --> 00:26:42,867
>> Stephen: SO I CAN TELL-- I
CAN TELL THE SUBTLY STARTED
430
00:26:42,934 --> 00:26:45,837
EARLY IN YOUR CAREER.
>> YOU BEAT ME TO IT.
431
00:26:45,904 --> 00:26:46,972
YUP.
YEAH.
432
00:26:47,038 --> 00:26:52,644
AND AS YOU CAN SEE, I'M
WEARING-- I SEEM TO BE WEARING A
433
00:26:52,711 --> 00:26:57,649
AMERICAN ON MY UPPER LIP OR A
SMALL WOODLAND CREATURE, JUST
434
00:26:57,716 --> 00:27:00,852
HAPPENED TO EXPIRE ON MY FACE.
I THINK-- WHAT DO YOU THINK IT
435
00:27:00,919 --> 00:27:03,555
LOOKS LIKE?
I THINK IT LOOKS LIKE I SAID,
436
00:27:03,621 --> 00:27:08,226
"TAKE THAT PORK CHOP, DIP IS IN
BLACK INK AND SLAP ME."
437
00:27:08,293 --> 00:27:11,930
>> Stephen: IT LOOKS LIKE TWO
LONG SHOREMEN FIGHTING OVER A
438
00:27:11,997 --> 00:27:13,698
SQUIRREL.
>> IT LOOKS LIKE I'M EATING A
439
00:27:13,765 --> 00:27:15,900
MUSK RAT BUT I'M ONLY HALFWAY
THROUGH.
440
00:27:15,967 --> 00:27:17,535
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: IT'S BEEN NEARLY
441
00:27:17,602 --> 00:27:19,137
FOUR YEARS SINCE YOU WERE ON
BROADWAY.
442
00:27:19,204 --> 00:27:20,739
>> I KNOW.
>> Stephen: OUR GOOD LUCK THAT
443
00:27:20,805 --> 00:27:23,108
YOU'RE BACK ON BROADWAY.
>> THANK YOU.
444
00:27:23,174 --> 00:27:25,610
WELL, THANK YOU, MY GOOD LUCK.
>> Stephen: HOW LONG CAN YOU
445
00:27:25,677 --> 00:27:29,381
GO WITHOUT BEING ON STAGE?
DO YOU START TO TWITCH AT A
446
00:27:29,447 --> 00:27:33,418
CERTAIN POINT?
>> LIKE I'M A METH ADDICT?
447
00:27:33,485 --> 00:27:34,386
YEAH.
>> Stephen: SURE.
448
00:27:34,452 --> 00:27:37,355
>> WHILE SWALLOWS GOING BACK TO
CAPISTRANO.
449
00:27:37,422 --> 00:27:43,962
NO, I DON'T SUDDENLY START
OBSESSIVELY BOWING AT BREAKFAST
450
00:27:44,029 --> 00:27:48,299
OR-- BLURTING OUT, "A HORSE, A
HORSE, MY KINGDOM FOR A HORSE"
451
00:27:48,366 --> 00:27:52,871
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
REALLY, AT THIS SOO AT MY AGE,
452
00:27:52,937 --> 00:27:55,173
IT'S REALLY ABOUT THE PLAY, THE
MATERIAL THAT IS TOUCHES YOU,
453
00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:58,943
THAT IT MOVES YOU, MAKES YOU
LAUGH, THAT IT MAKES YOU WANT TO
454
00:27:59,010 --> 00:28:03,081
PUT YOURSELF THROUGH EIGHT SHOWS
A WEEK, BECAUSE IT'S A REAL
455
00:28:03,148 --> 00:28:07,185
DISCIPLINE AND CHALLENGE.
AND THIS PLAY DID THAT FOR ME.
456
00:28:07,252 --> 00:28:12,457
YOU KNOW, IT'S A PLAY ABOUT
PARENTS AND MORTALITY, AND
457
00:28:12,524 --> 00:28:14,926
MORTALITY HAS BEEN ON MY MIND
LATELY.
458
00:28:14,993 --> 00:28:18,663
SO I JUST THOUGHT THIS WAS
REALLY A WORTHWHILE PIECE TO
459
00:28:18,730 --> 00:28:22,067
BRING BACK TO BROADWAY-- WELL,
NOT BACK.
460
00:28:22,133 --> 00:28:25,170
IT'S A BRAND NEW PLAY.
AND IT'S A VERY SCARY TIME ON
461
00:28:25,236 --> 00:28:27,439
BROADWAY.
THERE'S KNOW-- IT HASN'T REALLY
462
00:28:27,505 --> 00:28:30,475
COME FULLY BACK.
CERTAINLY NOT THE TOURIST TRADE.
463
00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:33,878
AND SO IT'S A REAL RISK TO DO A
NEW PLAY.
464
00:28:33,945 --> 00:28:37,882
BUT I JUST THINK THIS PARTICULAR
PIECE HAS GREAT APPEAL AND
465
00:28:37,949 --> 00:28:40,618
REALLY TOUCHES PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
466
00:28:40,685 --> 00:28:42,454
QUICK BREAK, NATHAN LANE.
>> NO!
467
00:28:42,520 --> 00:28:43,888
>> Stephen: YES.
>> NO!
468
00:28:43,955 --> 00:28:46,658
>> Stephen: BUT YOU STAY HERE,
BECAUSE WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
469
00:28:46,724 --> 00:28:48,426
MORE NATHAN LANE.
WE'RE COMING BACK.
470
00:29:00,605 --> 00:29:03,975
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WE'RE BACK WITH THE STAR OF
471
00:29:04,042 --> 00:29:11,316
"PICTURES FROM HOME" ON
BROADWAY, STUDIO 54, WITH NATHAN
472
00:29:11,382 --> 00:29:12,784
LANE.
I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE SOME BIG
473
00:29:12,851 --> 00:29:15,253
NEWS THAT YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE.
>> OH, YES.
474
00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:16,488
>> Stephen: THIS IS AN
EXCLUSIVE FOR "THE LATE SHOW,"
475
00:29:16,554 --> 00:29:18,490
FROM NATHAN LANE.
WHAT IS THIS?
476
00:29:18,556 --> 00:29:21,860
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT
TO SAY.
477
00:29:21,926 --> 00:29:25,396
>> THIS IS NOT ABOUT MY FILM
COMING OUT.
478
00:29:25,463 --> 00:29:27,832
THIS IS ABOUT I'M THE NEW JAMES
BOND.
479
00:29:27,899 --> 00:29:31,603
( APPLAUSE )
( APPLAUSE ).
480
00:29:31,669 --> 00:29:33,004
>> Stephen: WOW, THAT WAS A
BOLD CHOICE.
481
00:29:33,071 --> 00:29:36,241
WOW.
>> NOW, BEFORE YOU START WITH
482
00:29:36,307 --> 00:29:41,412
THE TWITTER RANTS, HEAR ME OUT.
SO BARBARA BROCCOLI CALLS ME AND
483
00:29:41,479 --> 00:29:46,885
SAYS NATHAN, WE WANT TO TAKE
BOND IN A WHOLE NEW, MORE MATURE
484
00:29:46,951 --> 00:29:47,986
DIRECTION.
>> Stephen: SURE, SURE.
485
00:29:48,052 --> 00:29:50,455
>> WE THINK YOU'RE THE GUY.
I SAID, "SURE, BARBARA.
486
00:29:50,522 --> 00:29:54,092
I'D BE HONORED TO FOLLOW IN THE
FOOTSTEPS OF THESE GREAT
487
00:29:54,159 --> 00:29:56,461
ACTORS."
SO SHE SENT ME THE SCRIPT.
488
00:29:56,528 --> 00:30:06,304
IT'S CALLED "OX "ACT GENNARIAN
PUSSY."
489
00:30:06,371 --> 00:30:07,105
OR--
( LAUGHTER )
490
00:30:07,172 --> 00:30:12,076
( APPLAUSE )
OR "THE SPY WHO LOVED
491
00:30:12,143 --> 00:30:13,912
METAMUCIL."
THE BOND IS NOW AT RETIREMENT
492
00:30:13,978 --> 00:30:19,984
AGE LIVING IN A COUNTRY MAINOR
HOUSE WITH HIS WIFE, PUSSY
493
00:30:20,051 --> 00:30:23,922
GALORE.
REAL NAME MILDRED LEFKOWITZ.
494
00:30:23,988 --> 00:30:27,725
HE'S A LITTLE BOARD AND GETS A
JOB IN CUSTOMER SERVICE AT THE
495
00:30:27,792 --> 00:30:29,928
LOCAL HOME DEPOT AND THAT'S WHEN
THINGS GET CRAZY.
496
00:30:29,994 --> 00:30:35,033
THERE ARE VERY POIGNANT SCENES
WHERE BOND FORGETS HIS APPLE
497
00:30:35,099 --> 00:30:37,702
I.D.
HE HAS TO GO TO THE GENIUS BAR,
498
00:30:37,769 --> 00:30:43,174
AND A VERY, VERY POWERFUL SCENE
AT RITE AIDE WHEN 007 GOES UP TO
499
00:30:43,241 --> 00:30:46,044
THE PHARMACIST AND SAYS, "BOND,
GOLD BOND."
500
00:30:46,110 --> 00:30:56,654
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
501
00:30:56,721 --> 00:31:02,360
"WELL IT HELP WITH MY ECZEMA?"
THE HEART OF THE STORY IS BOND
502
00:31:02,427 --> 00:31:05,697
FOYTING FOR FULL PENSIONS AND
BENEFITS WHILE TRYING TO BALANCE
503
00:31:05,763 --> 00:31:13,104
THE COST OF TOP-SHELF VODKA ON A
FIXEDS INCOME.
504
00:31:13,171 --> 00:31:15,673
SADLY, HIS LIBIDO ISN'T WHAT IT
USED TO BE.
505
00:31:15,740 --> 00:31:20,745
A BOND GIRL OFFERS TO HIS HOTEL
SUITE AND SAYS SHE'S THERE TO
506
00:31:20,812 --> 00:31:24,849
OFFER HIM SUPER SEX.
AND HE SAID,s, SUPER SEX?
507
00:31:24,916 --> 00:31:28,786
I THINK I'LL HAVE THE SOUP."
( LAUGHTER )
508
00:31:28,853 --> 00:31:35,193
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: BUT UNTIL THAT
509
00:31:35,260 --> 00:31:42,100
COMES OUT, "PICTURES FROM HOME"
IS ON BROADWAY AT STUDIO 54.
510
00:31:42,166 --> 00:31:44,235
THE MAN IS NATHAN LANE,
EVERYBODY.
511
00:31:44,302 --> 00:31:46,337
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE
COMEDIAN SAM JAY.
512
00:32:13,498 --> 00:32:16,000
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK!
513
00:32:16,067 --> 00:32:18,803
FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS A
COMEDIAN AND WRITER WHO HOSTS
514
00:32:18,870 --> 00:32:20,271
HER OWN HBO TALK SHOW, "PAUSE
WITH SAM JAY."
515
00:32:20,338 --> 00:32:22,206
SHE NOW STARS IN THE NEW FILM
"YOU PEOPLE."
516
00:32:22,273 --> 00:32:26,110
>> I DON'T THINK I'VE HEARD OF A
MAN EVER WHO WANTED TO BE IN A
517
00:32:26,177 --> 00:32:28,813
RELATIONSHIP SO BADLY BESIDES
DRAKE.
518
00:32:28,880 --> 00:32:32,550
>> I FEEL LIKE DRAKE.
I FEEL LIKE I'M ALONE ON A
519
00:32:32,617 --> 00:32:35,987
BUILDING IN TORONTO DANGLING MY
LEGS OFF WONDERING WHAT IT'S
520
00:32:36,054 --> 00:32:38,823
LIKE TO FEEL COMPANIONSHIP.
THAT'S THE SPACE I AM.
521
00:32:38,890 --> 00:32:45,563
>> I NEED YOU DO DIG DOWN IN THE
DEEP GEORGE BODY.
522
00:32:45,630 --> 00:32:49,767
>> I DON'T HAVE CERTIFIED LOVER
BOY, DRAG ENERGY NOW.
523
00:32:49,834 --> 00:32:52,837
I DON'T.
I'M LITERALLY TAKE CARE DRAKE.
524
00:32:52,904 --> 00:32:58,543
IF I'M BEING HONEST ABOUT OUR
FRIENDSHIP, I THINK YOU'RE BEING
525
00:32:58,609 --> 00:33:02,880
PUSHER T. TOWARDS ME.
>> MAYBE YOUR ASS NEEDS A BULLY
526
00:33:02,947 --> 00:33:07,485
RIGHT NOW, BRO, SOMEBODY TO PUSH
AROUND.
527
00:33:07,552 --> 00:33:11,055
YOU'RE GIVING ME HOUSTON ATLANTA
VEGAS DRAKE.
528
00:33:11,122 --> 00:33:19,697
I'M TALKING ABOUT BIG UPPER LIP.
GET IT TOGETHER.
529
00:33:19,764 --> 00:33:23,067
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME TO
"THE LATE SHOW," SAM JAY!
530
00:33:23,134 --> 00:33:36,180
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> IS IT OKAY THAT I SAT DOWN
531
00:33:36,247 --> 00:33:38,716
BEFORE YOU?
>> Stephen: OF COURSE YOU
532
00:33:38,783 --> 00:33:40,418
SHOULD SIT DOWN.
YOU'RE THE GUEST.
533
00:33:40,485 --> 00:33:43,588
YOU SIT DOWN FIRST ALWAYS.
I NEVER SIT DOWN BEFORE THE
534
00:33:43,654 --> 00:33:45,556
GUEST DOES.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
535
00:33:45,623 --> 00:33:51,028
YOU STAR IN "YOU PEOPLE "WITH
JONAH HILL AND EDDIE MURPHY, NOT
536
00:33:51,095 --> 00:33:53,664
TOO HABI FOR YOUR FIRST FEATURE
FILM.
537
00:33:53,731 --> 00:33:56,467
>> SCARY.
>> Stephen: HOW DID IT FEEL,
538
00:33:56,534 --> 00:33:59,904
SCARY?
>> SCARY.
539
00:33:59,971 --> 00:34:02,774
AND LAUREN LONDON IS IN IT AS
WELL.
540
00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:04,842
BUT SUPER EXCITING AT THE SAME
TIME.
541
00:34:04,909 --> 00:34:08,679
>> Stephen: WHAT DOES IT FEEL
LIKE FOR YOU TO SHOOT ON A FILM
542
00:34:08,746 --> 00:34:09,981
SET?
IT'S TOTALLY DIFFERENT THAN
543
00:34:10,047 --> 00:34:13,084
OTHER FORMS OF ENTERTAINMENT.
IT'S ALL DONE IN LITTLE CHUNKS.
544
00:34:13,151 --> 00:34:15,953
HOW DID YOU LIKE THAT?
>> I DIDN'T MIND IT, IT WAS JUST
545
00:34:16,020 --> 00:34:18,222
A LOT OF PRESSURE.
I FEEL LIKE WHEN YOU WALK ON A
546
00:34:18,289 --> 00:34:21,192
FILM SET IT'S SO MUCH BIGGER,
AND YOU'RE LIKE WOW, THIS IS A
547
00:34:21,259 --> 00:34:23,661
LOT OF MONEY THAT I'M PROBABLY
WASTING.
548
00:34:23,728 --> 00:34:25,029
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: RIGHT, AND YOU
549
00:34:25,096 --> 00:34:30,301
WANT TO BE COMFORTABLE, WHEN
SOMEBODY'S GOING TO TELL YOU,
550
00:34:30,368 --> 00:34:33,171
"LET'S GET GOING."
DID YOU HAVE TO AUDITION FOR
551
00:34:33,237 --> 00:34:34,138
THIS PART?
>> NO, ACTUALLY.
552
00:34:34,205 --> 00:34:36,908
IT WAS REALLY WEIRD HOW IT CAME
ABOUT.
553
00:34:36,974 --> 00:34:41,746
I WAS OUTSIDE OF THE COMEDY
CELLAR AND I GOT A CALL FROM
554
00:34:41,813 --> 00:34:45,016
KENYA BARRIS, THE DIRECTOR, AND
HE SAID, "I WOULD LIKE FOR YOU
555
00:34:45,082 --> 00:34:49,086
TO BE IN THE MOVIE."
I SAID, "OH, MAN, DO I HAVE TO
556
00:34:49,153 --> 00:34:51,889
AUDITION, BECAUSE I'M REALLY BAD
AT AUDITIONING AND I DON'T WANT
557
00:34:51,956 --> 00:34:54,325
TO EMBARRASS YOU."
AND HE SAID, "NO, IF YOU WANT TO
558
00:34:54,392 --> 00:35:00,965
DO IT,s IT'S YOURS.
AND HE SAID, JONAH HILL, AND
559
00:35:01,032 --> 00:35:04,001
EDDIE MURPHY.
AND I SAID ARE YOU SERIOUS?
560
00:35:04,068 --> 00:35:06,504
AND I HUNG UP AND IMMEDIATELY
FELT PRESSURE.
561
00:35:06,571 --> 00:35:07,638
>> Stephen: DID YOU CALL
ANYBODY?
562
00:35:07,705 --> 00:35:11,375
>> I CALLED MY GIRL.
I CALLED MY FIANCE AND SAID, ,"
563
00:35:11,442 --> 00:35:12,910
HEY I'M GOING TO BE IN THE
MOVIE."
564
00:35:12,977 --> 00:35:16,214
AND SHE SAID,s, FOR REAL?"
AND I SAID, "MAYBE NOT.
565
00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:18,349
HE COULD BE LYING."
>> Stephen: THAT WOULD BE A
566
00:35:18,416 --> 00:35:20,051
BAD PRANK.
SOMEBODY CALLS YOU UP.
567
00:35:20,117 --> 00:35:22,253
>> YOU KNOW HOW IT IS IN THE
INDUSTRY.
568
00:35:22,320 --> 00:35:23,654
YOU NEVER BELIEVE IT UNTIL YOU
SEE IT.
569
00:35:23,721 --> 00:35:26,324
AND MY MANAGER CALLED ME AND
SAID, "HEY, WE HAVE THIS OFFER
570
00:35:26,390 --> 00:35:28,726
FOR THIS MOVIE."
AND I SAID IT'S REALLY
571
00:35:28,793 --> 00:35:29,861
HAPPENING.
>> Stephen: IT'S ABOUT TWO
572
00:35:29,927 --> 00:35:33,331
DIFFERENT SETS OF IN-LAWS
MEETING FOR THE FIRST TIME.
573
00:35:33,397 --> 00:35:35,833
NOW, YOU HAVE A FIANCE.
>> I DO.
574
00:35:35,900 --> 00:35:38,302
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU MET HER
PARENTS?
575
00:35:38,369 --> 00:35:39,937
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WAS THAT-- WAS
576
00:35:40,004 --> 00:35:42,974
THAT AN INTENSELY
PRESSURE-FILLED SITUATION FOR
577
00:35:43,040 --> 00:35:44,709
YOU?
>> LIKE, I ALREADY KIND OF HAVE
578
00:35:44,775 --> 00:35:46,844
KNOWN HER MOM.
LIKE, WE HAD TALKED A LOT AND WE
579
00:35:46,911 --> 00:35:50,448
HAD A GOOD RAPPORT.
BUT I HAD NEVER MET OR SPOKEN TO
580
00:35:50,515 --> 00:35:52,750
HER FATHER AND THAT WAS A LOT OF
PRESSURE.
581
00:35:52,817 --> 00:35:55,486
SHE THINKS HIGHLY OF HER DAD.
I WANTED HIM TO LIKE ME BECAUSE
582
00:35:55,553 --> 00:35:57,722
I KNEW THAT WOULD MAKE HER LIKE
ME MORE.
583
00:35:57,788 --> 00:36:00,258
I WAS REALLY, LIKE, NERVOUS
ABOUT IT.
584
00:36:00,324 --> 00:36:02,994
AND HE ALSO HAS A LOT OF SWORDS,
SO THAT DIDN'T HELP.
585
00:36:03,060 --> 00:36:05,830
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY, GO
586
00:36:05,897 --> 00:36:09,267
BACK-- HE HAS A LOT OF SWORDS
HANGING ON THE WALL AND STUFF
587
00:36:09,333 --> 00:36:10,234
LIKE THAT?
>> YES.
588
00:36:10,301 --> 00:36:12,003
>> Stephen: HONEST TO GOD
SWORDS?
589
00:36:12,069 --> 00:36:14,872
>> REAL ONES.
>> Stephen: AND WHY DOES HE
590
00:36:14,939 --> 00:36:16,741
HAVE SO MANY SWORDS?
IS HE A SAMURAI?
591
00:36:16,807 --> 00:36:21,445
>> HE'S JUST INTO THEM, I GUESS.
AND HE LIKES THEM AS A FORM OF
592
00:36:21,512 --> 00:36:22,313
PROTECTION.
I REALLY DON'T KNOW.
593
00:36:22,380 --> 00:36:24,415
>> Stephen: NOT AS A FORM OF
PROTECTION.
594
00:36:24,482 --> 00:36:27,885
>> SOMEONE BREAKS IN AND YOU
GRAB A SWORD OFF THE WALL,
595
00:36:27,952 --> 00:36:31,355
THEY'RE GOING TO BE LIKE, "THIS
PERSON MEANS BUSINESS."
596
00:36:31,422 --> 00:36:35,493
>> Stephen: I MIGHT LEAVE
BECAUSE I THOUGHT THEY WERE
597
00:36:35,560 --> 00:36:37,094
CRAZY.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO CUT'S BULLET
598
00:36:37,161 --> 00:36:38,763
IN HALF.
DO YOU HAVE COLLECTIONS
599
00:36:38,829 --> 00:36:39,997
YOURSELF?
DID YOU SHARE WITH HIM ANYTHING?
600
00:36:40,064 --> 00:36:44,635
>> WE KIND OF LIKE THE SAME
STUFF AS FAR AS "STAR WARS" AND
601
00:36:44,702 --> 00:36:47,805
I HAVE A COUPLE OF LIGHT SABERS.
>> Stephen: THAT BRINGS IT
602
00:36:47,872 --> 00:36:50,141
TOGETHER RIGHT THERE.
>> THAT'S A BONDING SPACE RIGHT
603
00:36:50,207 --> 00:36:52,476
THERE.
>> Stephen: AS A STAND-UP
604
00:36:52,543 --> 00:36:54,512
COMEDIAN ARE YOU GOING ON TOUR
ANY TIME SOON?
605
00:36:54,579 --> 00:36:58,182
>> I'M TOURING KIND OF RIGHT
NOW, YEAH, GETTING READY TO
606
00:36:58,249 --> 00:36:59,684
SHOOT ANOTHER SPECIAL.
>> Stephen: DO YOU LIKE BEING
607
00:36:59,750 --> 00:37:01,319
ON THE ROAD BECAUSE IT CAN BE
ROUGH OUT THERE?
608
00:37:01,385 --> 00:37:03,321
>> NO.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T LIKE IT.
609
00:37:03,387 --> 00:37:05,389
IT SHOWS YOU'RE GOOD, BUT THE
ROAD--
610
00:37:05,456 --> 00:37:08,893
>> THE ROAD, THE AIRPLANES,
SITTING BY YOURSELF AT AIRPORTS
611
00:37:08,960 --> 00:37:10,695
LIKE, YOU KNOW, BARS.
>> Stephen: SURE.
612
00:37:10,761 --> 00:37:13,664
>> IT SUCK S.
>> Stephen: DO YOU EVER JUST
613
00:37:13,731 --> 00:37:16,601
GET-- IS IT ALWAYS AIRPLANEOR
ARE YOU DRIVING FROM CITY TO
614
00:37:16,667 --> 00:37:18,769
CITY, TOO?
THE THING ABOUT THE MIDWEST,
615
00:37:18,836 --> 00:37:22,573
ESPECIALLY THIS TIME OF YEAR,
LIKE, NEBRASKA, GOD BLESS IT,
616
00:37:22,640 --> 00:37:27,144
EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, LOOKS LIKE
JUST LIKE THE STUBBLE OF A
617
00:37:27,211 --> 00:37:30,214
SAILOR ON SHORE LEAVE BECAUSE
ALL THE CORN HAS BEEN CUT DOWN
618
00:37:30,281 --> 00:37:32,650
AND IT'S DARK WITH A LITTLE BIT
OF SNOW TOSSED IN THERE.
619
00:37:32,717 --> 00:37:37,088
>> RIGHT.
WE DO A LITTLE DRIVING.
620
00:37:37,154 --> 00:37:39,657
I LIKE GRAND RAPIDS.
THAT WAS A PRETTY SAD PLACE.
621
00:37:39,724 --> 00:37:42,126
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
>> Stephen: YOU LIKE THAT?
622
00:37:42,193 --> 00:37:44,095
I DO, TOO.
>> IT'S THE REALITY CHECK YOU
623
00:37:44,161 --> 00:37:47,465
NEED SOMETIMES.
YOU'RE LIKE, "OKAY, THIS IS HOW
624
00:37:47,531 --> 00:37:49,200
SOME PEOPLE LIVE AND IT'S GOOD
TO KNOW THAT."
625
00:37:49,266 --> 00:37:53,070
>> Stephen: I HEARD YOU
RECENTLY CELEBRATED A BIRTHDAY.
626
00:37:53,137 --> 00:37:56,707
HAPPY-- HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY.
>> THANK YOU
627
00:37:56,774 --> 00:37:57,842
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU DO?
628
00:37:57,908 --> 00:38:01,212
DO YOU DO ANYTHING SPECIAL?
>> THIS WAS MY FIRST, LIKE,
629
00:38:01,278 --> 00:38:04,215
ADULT BIRTHDAY.
I HAD DINNER WITH, LIKE, FIVE
630
00:38:04,281 --> 00:38:05,182
FRIENDS.
>> Stephen: BUT YOU'RE NOT
631
00:38:05,249 --> 00:38:08,085
JUST AN ADULT.
YOU'RE NOT LIKE 21 OR 22, ARE
632
00:38:08,152 --> 00:38:13,190
YOU?
>> NO, I'M A GROWN-UP, GROWN-UP.
633
00:38:13,257 --> 00:38:15,393
>> Stephen: YOU HADN'T GONE
OUT AND ENJOYED YOUR BIRTHDAY?
634
00:38:15,459 --> 00:38:21,766
>> USUALLY I PARTY HARD.
I FEEL LIKE NOOSE A YOUNG
635
00:38:21,832 --> 00:38:23,868
BIRTHDAY.
THIS BIRTHDAY BECAUSE I'M SUPER
636
00:38:23,934 --> 00:38:26,504
GROWN I WAS LIKE I JUST WANT
WINE AND A NICE MEAL.
637
00:38:26,570 --> 00:38:28,839
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THE MOST
DRUNK YOU GOT ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
638
00:38:28,906 --> 00:38:32,643
>> IF I COULD REMEMBER, THEN I
WASN'T THAT DRUNK.
639
00:38:32,710 --> 00:38:34,879
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: GOOD POINT.
640
00:38:34,945 --> 00:38:38,015
CAN YOU-- CAN YOU EXPLAIN THIS
TWEET, BY ANY CHANCE?
641
00:38:38,082 --> 00:38:42,386
THIS IS-- I'VE READ THIS SEVERAL
TIMES AND I CANNOT MAKE HEADS OR
642
00:38:42,453 --> 00:38:44,689
TAIL OF THIS.
BUT THIS IS A TWEET OF YOURS,
643
00:38:44,755 --> 00:38:47,191
RIGHT?
>> YES.
644
00:38:47,258 --> 00:38:48,793
>> Stephen: WHY DON'T YOU READ
IT.
645
00:38:48,859 --> 00:38:50,628
CAN YOU READ THAT RIGHT THERE?
READ THAT.
646
00:38:50,695 --> 00:38:55,499
THIS IS ABOUT YOUR BIRTHDAY.
>> BRO, THIS IS MY SECOND SOLO
647
00:38:55,566 --> 00:38:56,901
( BLEEP ).
THE ABILITY TO ( BLEEP ) IN
648
00:38:56,967 --> 00:39:00,738
PUBLIC IN PEACE IN SEVERAL
STATES/COUNTRIES SHOULD BE A
649
00:39:00,805 --> 00:39:04,608
MAJOR SELLING POINT AT SOHO
HOUSE.
650
00:39:04,675 --> 00:39:07,545
THIS IS TRULY GAME CHANGING."
( APPLAUSE )
651
00:39:07,611 --> 00:39:12,583
>> Stephen: SO YOU ENJOYED THE
BATHROOMS AT THE SOHO HOUSE NO
652
00:39:12,650 --> 00:39:16,253
MATTER WHAT CITY YOU'RE IN?
>> YES, THEY'RE PRIVATE, THEY'RE
653
00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:17,788
REALLY NICE.
THE TOILET SEATS ARE WARM.
654
00:39:17,855 --> 00:39:20,191
IT'S A VERY COMFORTABLE
EXPERIENCE.
655
00:39:20,257 --> 00:39:22,426
>> Stephen: WARM ON PURPOSE OR
BECAUSE SOMEBODY WAS JUST
656
00:39:22,493 --> 00:39:25,763
SITTING ON THEM SECONDS AGO.
>> EITHER WAY THAT WORKS.
657
00:39:25,830 --> 00:39:30,167
>> Stephen: THAT'S TRUE.
I KNOW HOW I'M SPENDING MY NEXT
658
00:39:30,234 --> 00:39:32,136
BIRTHDAY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> THANK YOU.
659
00:39:32,203 --> 00:39:33,571
>> Stephen: "YOU PEOPLE" IS IN
SELECT THEATERS NOW AND
660
00:39:33,637 --> 00:39:36,841
AVAILABLE ON NETFLIX THIS
FRIDAY.
661
00:39:36,907 --> 00:39:39,744
SAM JAY, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
662
00:40:00,364 --> 00:40:01,699
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE
LATE SHOW."
663
00:40:01,766 --> 00:40:05,202
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS
WILL BE JASON SEGEL AND CHUCK D.
664
00:40:05,269 --> 00:40:06,670
STICK AROUND FOR JAMES.
GOOD NIGHT.