>> WE HAVE NEW EVIDENCE OF LIES IN THE CASE OF REPUBLICAN
CONGRESSMAN GEORGE SANTOS. NOW THERE'S AN OLD WIKIPEDIA
PAGE THAT POLITICO FOUND, CLAIMING, FOR INSTANCE, HE HAD A
ROLE ON A POPULAR DISNEY CHANNEL PROGRAM, "HANNAH MONTANA."
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT:
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: NATHAN LANE
AND SAM JAY
FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HAPPY MONDAY,
CORI. HAPPY MONDAY.
THAT'S RIGHT. GOOD TO SEE YOU.
AWE STEPHEN! STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: SHHH! WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, DOWN HERE,
UP THERE TO "THE LATE SHOW." THANK YOU, SIR.
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'M SURE YOU'RE ASKING WHAT ARE WE GOING TO TALK ABOUT TONIGHT?
I'M AFRAID THAT'S CLASSIFIED, BECAUSE THERE'S AN UPDATE IN THE
ONGOING STORY OF DOCMENTS BEING FOUND AT PRESIDENT BIDEN'S
OFFICE AND HOME. AND I'LL TELL YOU THE LATEST IN
MY UNFORTUNATELY RECURRING SEGMENT:
WHAT'S UP: DOCS! YOOO-HOO!
LET ME CATCH YOU UP. AS OF LAST WEEK, BIDEN AIDES AND
THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT HAD FOUND ABOUT 20 CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS.
BUT THAT TOTAL WENT UP ON FRIDAY, WHEN THE F.B.I.
SEARCHED BIDEN'S DELAWARE HOME AND FOUND SIX ADDITIONAL ITEMS
THAT CONTAINED DOCUMENTS WITH CLASSIFIED MARKINGS.
HOW COULD AMERICA BE $31 TRILLION IN DEBT AND,
APPARENTLY, NO ONE IN THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH HAS EVER
PURCHASED A SHREDDER? APPARENTLY, ALL POLITICIANS JUST
HOARD CLASSIFIED MATERIAL. I'M STARTING TO WONDER HOW JIMMY
CARTER INSULATES ALL THOSE HABITATS FOR HUMANITY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
CHECK IT OUT. YOU SHOULD CHECK IT OUT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) CHECK IT OUT!
THE NEW DOCUMENTS FOUND ON FRIDAY INCLUDED HANDWRUN NOTES
AND SPANNED BIDEN'S TIME IN THE SENATE AND AS VICE PRESIDENT.
THE SENATE? HE JOINED THE SENATE-- NO LIE--
50 YEARS AGO. THOSE NOTES ARE ANCIENT.
ONE OF THEM WAS, "FIND OUT WHO PUT THE BOP IN THE BOP SHOO
BOP SHOO BOP." OF COURSE, REPUBLICANS WANT TO
SAY BIDEN'S SITUATION IS THE SAME AS THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S,
BUT THERE'S ONE BIG DIFFERENCE: THEY'RE DIFFERENT.
( LAUGHTER ) FOR INSTANCE, PRESIDENT BIDEN
AGREED TO "A PLANNED, CONSENSUAL SEARCH" AND
VOLUNTARILY ALLOWED THE F.B.I. INTO HIS HOME.
SO HE'S EITHER COOPERATING, OR HIS ADULT CHILDREN ARE TRYING TO
GET SOMEONE ELSE TO CLEAN OUT GRANDPA'S JUNK.
"HELLO? F.B.I.?
YES, I'M PRETTY SURE POP-POP'S PROBABLY GOT STATE SECRETS IN
THE ATTIC. YEAH, YEAH, THEY'RE IN THERE
WITH ALL HIS OLD "LIFE" MAGAZINES.
COULD YOU COME TAKE ALL OF THEM AWAY?
( LAUGHTER ) STILL, IT SUCKS, IT SUCKS THAT
THEY KEEP FINDING ADDITIONAL DOCUMENTS.
THEY FOUND THE FIRST ONES 82 DAYS AGO, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
AND THEY KEEP FINDING LITTLE BITS MORE ALL THE TIME.
IT'S, UH, NEWS PEOPLE, HELP ME OUT.
>> IT IS THIS DRIP, DRIP, DRIP OF REVELATIONS AND DISCOVERIES.
>> THIS DRIP, DRIP, DRIP-- THIS IS YET ANOTHER DRIP.
>>> THIS DRIP, DRIP, DRIP JUST CONTINUES.
>> WE CONTINUE TO FIND DRIP, DRIP, DRIP.
>> DRIP, DRIP, DRIP. >> DRIP, DRIP, DRIP.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). THANK YOU.
WHY NOT. MAKES SENSE.
GLAD YOU KNOW. SPEAKING OF THINGS I'VE BEEN
SPEAKING ABOUT A LOT LATELY, REPUBLICAN REPRESENTATIVE GEORGE
SANTOS-- ( BOOING )
SEEN HERE ASKING AN OLD LADY THE NAME OF HER FIRST PET.
BY NOW, IT'S BEEN PRETTY WELL ESTABLISHED THAT SANTOS IS A
LIAR, AND HE SHOULD DEFINITELY RESIGN.
AND I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THAT.
SO DOES NEW YORK CONGRESSMAN RITCHIE TORRES.
>> GEORGE SANTOS DEFRAUDED HIS WAY INTO THE UNITED STATES
CONGRESS. HE HAS NO BUSINESS BEING A
MEMBER OF CONGRESS. HIS ONLY PURPOSE IS TO BE A
PUNCHLINE FOR LATE-NIGHT COMEDY. >> Stephen: I KNOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I KNOW.
( APPLAUSE ) ISN'T IT GREAT?
( LAUGHTER ) LET'S DO SOME NOW!
LAST WEEK, YOU'LL RECALL THAT PHOTOS AND VIDEOS EMERGED OF
SANTOS PERFORMING AS A DRAG QUEEN IN BRAZIL.
HE DENIED IT AND CALLED THE CLAIMS "OUTRAGEOUS" AND
"CATEGORICALLY FALSE." TURNS OUT, THE CATEGORY OF THE
FALSENESS WAS "TRUE," AS HE TOLD REPORTERS THIS WEEKEND.
>> I WAS NOT A DRAG QUEEN IN BRAZIL, GUYS.
I WAS YOUNG, AND I HAD FUN AT A FESTIVAL.
SUE ME FOR HAVING A LIFE. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: OH, OH, GEORGE. NO ONE'S MAD AT YOU FOR HAVING
A LIFE. THEY'RE MAD AT YOU FOR HAVING,
LIKE, FIVE LIVES. THAT'S GREEDY.
IN THAT VIDEO, SANTOS IS WALKING THROUGH A NEW YORK AIRPORT,
WHICH EXPLAINS HIS NEW DRAG NAME, "LAGUARDIA CAROUSEL."
HE ALSO-- ( APPLAUSE )
SANTOS ALSO DODGED A QUESTION ABOUT HISLIE THAT HIS MOTHER
DIED ON 9/11. >> WAS YOUR MOTHER AT THE WORLD
TRADE CENTER ON 9/11? >> GUYS, LOOK, LOOK.
THIS ISN'T HOW YOU CONDUCT AN INTERVIEW.
>> Stephen: ADDING, "AND I WOULD KNOW, OR MY NAME ISN'T
'THE CAST OF THE VIEW!'" ( LAUGHTER )
THAT WASN'T THE FIRST TIME SANTOS ACKNOWLEDGED THAT HE DID
DRAG. THIS WEEKEND, INTERNET SLEUTHS
FOUND AN OLD WIKIPEDIA PAGE FROM 2011 WITH THE NAME ANTHONY
DEVOLDER-- A SANTOS ALIAS-- IN WHICH HE CONFIRMED THAT HE
PARTICIPATED IN DRAG SHOWS AS A TEENAGER LIVING IN BRAZIL.
FINALLY, JUST TELL THE TRUTH. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH DOING
DRAG! UNLESS YOU PAIR NUDE PANTYHOSE
WITH AN OPEN-TOED PUMP. 'CAUSE, GIRL, THERE IS NO COMING
BACK FROM THAT, OKAY. ( APPLAUSE )
THE WIKIPEDIA BIO ALSO DELVES INTO SOME DELICIOUS NEW LIES,
WITH "DEVOLDER" FALSELY CLAIMING TO HAVE "'STARTED' IN A FEW TV
SHOWS AND DISNEY CHANNEL SHOWS, SUCH AS THE HIT 'HANNAH
MONTANA.'" OKAY, SCAMMING VETERANS AND
LYING ABOUT YOUR MOM DYING ON 9/11 IS ONE THING.
BUT VIOLATING THE SANCTITY OF "HANNAH MONTANA"?
SIR, YOU DO NOT DESERVE "THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS."
OR A "HOEDOWN THROW-DOWN." OR A THIRD SONG I DID NOT HAVE
TIME TO GOOGLE. BOTTOM LINE, THIS IS CONGRESS,
NOT A PARTY IN THE U.S.A.! ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) WHICH IS-- NOT-- THAT'S NOT
HANNA BUT THAT'S... IT DOES MAKE SENSE HE'D IDENTIFY
WITH HANNAH MONTANA. THEY BOTH LEAD DOUBLE LIVES,
THEY'RE BOTH WANTED INTERNATIONALLY, AND THEY'RE
BOTH THE SUPERSTAR CHILDREN OF BILLY RAY CYRUS.
THIS "ANTHONY DEVOLDER" ALSO CLAIMS TO HAVE APPEARED ON
"THE SUITE LIFE OF ZACK AND CODY."
OKAY, I SERIOUSLY DOUBT HE WAS IN ANY DISNEY SHOWS.
THOUGH, I'M PRETTY SURE HE WAS IN NICKELODEON'S "NO, I CARLY."
THE BIO CLAIMS SANTOS'S FIRST MAJOR FILM ROLE WAS IN THE
NONEXISTENT 2009 MOVIE "THE INVASION."
'START-TING' ALICIA SILVER STONE AND UMA TURMAN.
OH, I LOVE UMA TURMAN! SHE WAS SO GOOD IN "PURP
FURCTION." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
PURP? "PURP FURCTION."
WE ALSO HAD SOME NEWS FROM THE FORMER PRESIDENT OVER THE
WEEKEND. THROUGHOUT HIS CAMPAIGN, HE
FREQUENTLY APPEARED WITH YOUTUBE MAGA INFLUENCER SISTERS,
DIAMOND AND SILK. UNFORTUNATELY, LYNETTE "DIAMOND"
HARDAWAY RECENTLY PASSED AWAY. AND ON SATURDAY, THE FORMER
PRESIDENT ATTENDED HER MEMORIAL SERVICE AND GAVE A EULOGY WHERE
HE SPOKE HIGHLY OF THE WOMAN WHO DID SO MUCH TO HELP HIS
CAMPAIGN... IN BETWEEN COMPLAINTS ABOUT HOW LONG THE
FUNERAL WAS GOING. >> THEY TOLD ME, JUST GIVE ME A
LITTLE TIME. I'VE GOT A LOT OF PEOPLE WAITING
FOR ME BACK IN A PLACE CALLED PALM BEACH, FLORIDA.
THEY SAID, GIVE ME A LITTLE TIME.
WHAT DO YOU THINK IT'LL TAKE? ABOUT 15-20 MINUTES, IN AND OUT.
I SAID 'WELL IT COULD TAKE LONGER.'
THIS IS A LITTLE LONGER THAN 15 MINUTES, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S AN UNUSUAL VIBE FOR A EULOGY.
"LOSING GRANDPA REMINDS US THAT EVERY MINUTE IS PRECIOUS,
ESPECIALLY 'CUZ YOUR BOY HERE'S GOT A 3:00 TEE TIME.
CHOP-CHOP. LET'S CRY IT OUT AND DROP THAT
POP!" ( LAUGHTER )
DURING HIS REMARKS, THE FORMER PRESIDENT MAINTAINED ALL THE
FOCUS AND SOLEMNITY OF A BUMBLEBEE TRAPPED INSIDE A
BALLOON. ( LAUGHTER )
HERE'S-- ( APPLAUSE )
HERE'S ANOTHER PART-- QUALITY IMAGE, GOOD IMAGE.
HERE'S ANOTHER PART OF HIS MEMORIAL FOR ONE OF HIS BIGGEST
SUPPORTERS: >> SO COMMON SENSE WOULD TELL
YOU ALL OF THESE THINGS-- INFLATION WAS CAUSED BY ENERGY.
THEY STOPPED THE ENERGY, AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOUR GASOLINE WENT
FROM $1.87 A GALLON TO 5, 6, 7-- IN CALIFORNIA, $8 A GALLON.
AND WHEN YOUR BAKER MAKES HIS CAKES AND WHEN YOUR HOSPITALS
CREATE HEAT, AND ALL OF THE DIFFERENT THINGS YOU NEED THIS
FOR, EVERYTHING GOES UP. AND YOU LOOK AT WHAT INFLATION
HAS DONE TO MANY OTHER COUNTRIES.
IT IS AN ABSOLUTE DEATH SENTENCE.
BUT YOUR SISTER DIAMOND WAS TAKEN FROM US MUCH TOO SOON.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WE'RE JACK-KNIFING! POINT IS, I'M SORRY FOR YOUR
LOSS!" ( LAUGHTER )
BUT HE DID EVENTUALLY SAY A FEW WORDS ABOUT THE THING ON
EVERYONE'S MIND: >> WHEN I DID "THE APPRENTICE,"
IT BECAME THE NUMBER-ONE SHOW IN TELEVISION, AND IT DID WELL FOR
YEARS. AND THEY RECOMMENDED ARNOLD
SCHWARZENEGGER. NOW, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER IS A
BIG MOVIE STAR, RIGHT? AND HE-- I MEAN, I SAID, "THAT
SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA. HE SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO"--
WELL, I WANTED TO SEE IT TOO WELL.
ALTHOUGH, I'M NOT THAT SURE ABOUT THAT.
WELL, HE DID REALLY POORLY. HE GOT NO RATINGS.
THAT THING WAS A DISASTER. WELL, THEY GOT MARTHA, TOO,
RIGHT? MARTHA STEWART, SHE-- THEY PUT
HER IN THERE. THAT WAS A DISASTER.
>> Stephen: IS THERE ANY WAY MARTHA STEWART COULD TAKE
OVER THIS EULOGY? ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE EVEN IF SHE JUST FROSTED
A CUPCAKE, IT WOULD BE MORE APPROPRIATE.
THE EX-PREZ FINALLY GAVE WORDS OF COMFORT TO THE WOMAN WHO HAD
BEEN AT DIAMOND'S SIDE FOR EVERY APPEARANCE SHE EVER MADE: HER
SISTER SILK. >> I KNEW DIAMOND, BUT I DIDN'T
KNOW SILK AT ALL. I JUST LEARNED ABOUT SILK.
YOU'RE FANTASTIC. YOU'RE GOING TO CARRY ON BEYOND,
BEYOND ANYBODY'S WILDEST IMAGINATION.
>> Stephen: IF YOU JUST LEARNED ABOUT SILK, I'M GONNA GO AHEAD
AND SAY YOU DIDN'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT DIAMOND.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "I'M A LIFELONG FAN OF GARFUNKEL, BUT
WHO IS THIS SIMON I'M JUST HEARING ABOUT?
DID THEY DO ANYTHING TOGETHER?"
IT'S AN ESPECIALLY WEIRD THING TO SAY GIVEN
ALL. THESE.
PICTURES. OF.
THEM. TOGETHER.
INCLUDING THIS ONE OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT HOLDING SILK'S HAND
AND LOOKING INTO HER EYES. WHAT IS HE SAYING THERE?
"I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET YOU SOMEDAY"?
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE NATHAN LANE AND COMEDIAN SAM JAY.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT THE LATEST DATING
TRENDS THAT YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT, AND NEITHER SHOULD I.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK.
GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND RIGHT OVER
THERE! TONIGHT WE HAVE TWO DELIGHTFUL
GUESTS UP HERE. AN AMERICAN TREASURE,s A
CROWNING JEWEL OF BROADWAY, NATHAN LANE WILL BE HERE
TONIGHT. >> Louis: THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S
RIGHT. >> Stephen: AND SAM JAY IS
HERE THIS EVENING. >> Louis: THAT'S RIGHT.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
>> Louis: YES, INDEED >> Stephen: FOLKS, I LOVE LOVE,
OR AS THE FRENCH CALL IT, "LA BIBLIOTHEQUE."
AND I LIKE TO KEEP YOU UP ON ALL THE LATEST TRENDS IN THE WORLD
OF LOVE AND DATING IN MY SEXY SEGMENT:
♪ ♪ ♪ ( SULTRY VOICE )
>> ROMANSPLAINING WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE LOVE DEN.
FIRST UP ON ROMANSPLAINING: THERE'S A NEW TREND FOR FOLKS
WHO ARE ALREADY COUPLED UP BECAUSE, REPORTEDLY,
NON-MONOGAMY IS ON THE RISE. REALLY SOUNDS LIKE THAT STORY
WAS WRITTEN BY A GUY WHO WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH OTHER PEOPLE
( LAUGHTER ) MORE BREAKING NEWS FROM THE SAME
AUTHOR: "STUDIES SHOW KEY TO LONG LIFE IS BUTT STUFF!"
( LAUGHTER ) I'M PRETTY SURE MY WRITERS JUST
WANTED ME TO SAY THE PHRASE, "BUTT STUFF.
THE. NO SURPRISE, NON-MONOGAMY CAN BE
COMPLICATED. IF YOU WANT TO TRY IT, YOU'VE
GOTTA SET SOME GROUND RULES, FROM THE BEGINNING, LIKE WHETHER
OR NOT YOU AND YOUR PARTNER WANT TO LISTEN TO STORIES ABOUT EACH
OTHER'S NON-MONOGAMOUS ENCOUNTERS.
AND I'M GUESSING THAT'S HARDER ON WHOEVER'S HAD FEWER
ENCOUNTERS: "OH, SO YOU AND RAUL MADE LOVE
RIGHT THERE ON THE BEACH? WELL, I ALSO DID SOMETHING
PRETTY WILD IN PUBLIC: I CRIED ON A BENCH."
( LAUGHTER ) RIGHT OVER THERE WHERE I COULD
SEE YOU AND RAUL THE WHOLE TIME. ( LAUGHTER )
NEXT UP, MANY SINGLES ARE SO BUSY THAT THEY ARE FALLING
VICTIM TO SOMETHING CALLED "ONLY PLANS," WHERE POTENTIAL
PARTNERS ALWAYS MAKE PLANS BUT NEVER ACTUALLY GET TOGETHER IN
PERSON. DOESN'T SOUND THAT BAD
TO ME. MY IDEA OF PHONE SEX IS GETTING
A CALL THAT SAYS THAT THE DINNER HAS BEEN CANCELED.
"OOOH, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I'M WEARING TONIGHT:
A KETCHUP-STAINED HOODIE, SWEATPANTS, AND MISMATCHED
SOCKS." ( LAUGHTER )
BUT FOR SINGLES, THIS BEHAVIOR CAN BE TROUBLING.
MAYBE THE OTHER PERSON'S BUSY, BUT "ONLY PLANS" COULD BE A SIGN
THAT A POTENTIAL PARTNER IS "UNCERTAIN ABOUT WHETHER THEY
TRULY WANT TO DATE ANYONE PROPERLY AT ALL-- A.K.A.
'HESIDATING'." OR MAYBE THEY JUST WANT TO SPEND
TIME ALONE, A PHENOMENON EXPERTS CALL "MASTURDATING."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS ) NEXT UP, WE'RE HEARING ABOUT A
POST-BREAKUP TREND INSPIRED BY CELEBRITIES LIKE OLIVIA WILDE
AND KIM KARDASHIAN CALLED 180 DATING, WHERE YOU REBOUND BY
STARTING A RELATIONSHIP WITH A YOUNGER, UNEXPECTED PARTNER.
OF COURSE, THIS HAS BEEN A TREND FOR A LONG TIME WITH MIDDLE-
AGED MEN, WHO CALL IT, "HEY KIDS, REMEMBER YOUR AU PAIR?"
( LAUGHTER ) THAT STRUCK AN UNEXPECTED NERVE!
( LAUGHTER ) SOMEONE HAS AN AU PAIR.
THE ARTICLE THAT MADE UP THIS TREND SAYS THAT "180 DATING CAN
HELP PEOPLE FEEL REJUVENATED AND RE-ENERGIZED AFTER A TOUGH
TIME. IT'S OFTEN ABOUT FEELING SILLY,
SPIRITED, AND SEXY AGAIN." BUT IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A
MASSIVE AGE DIFFERENCE TO MAKE YOU FEEL REJUVENATED,
REENERGIZED, AND SILLY, WHY NOT SHOW UP AT YOUR NEXT PARTY WITH
DICK VAN DYKE? ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AT 97, THAT MAN CAN STILL SWEEP
A CHIMNEY. ( LAUGHTER )
FINALLY, IF YOU FEEL LIKE PEOPLE ARE PLAYING TOO MANY GAMES,
YOU'LL BE GLAD TO LEARN ABOUT BAE REALING, WHICH IS THE RISE
OF AUTHENTIC AND TRUE-SELF DATING PROFILES WHERE SINGLES
SHARE UNFILTERED PICTURES, HONEST COMMENTARY, AND PLAY NO
GAMES. THAT KIND OF HONESTY IS
REFRESHING. INSTEAD OF A PROFILE PIC OF YOU
WITH A TIGER, JUST POST ONE OF YOU WITH TONY THE TIGER.
BUT THERE ARE MANY MORE NEW DATING TRENDS OUT THERE, AND WE
KNOW ALL ABOUT THEM, BECAUSE WE MADE THEM UP.
FOR EXAMPLE, IF NON-MONOGAMY ISN'T FOR YOU, TRY MOM-NOGAMY,
WHERE YOU CAN'T DATE AT ALL BECAUSE NO ONE IS GOOD ENOUGH
FOR YOUR MOTHER. ( AS MOTHER )
"I SENT HER HOME, BRIAN! ONLY LOOSE WOMEN WEAR
CORDUROYS!" ZIP, ZIP, ZIP, ZIP!
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SOUND IS. IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO FOLLOW THE
LATEST CELEBRITY DATING TRENDS, YOU SHOULD TRY AVATAR-2-ING.
THAT'S WHEN YOU WAIT 13 YEARS TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH SOMEONE,
AND WHEN YOU FINALLY DO, YOU'RE LIKE, "THIS IS BASICALLY THE
SAME THINK, EXCEPT WE'RE DOING IT IN FRONT OF A WHALE."
( LAUGHTER ) FINALLY, IF YOU'RE NOT INTO 180
DATING, YOU SHOULD TRY I-80 DATING, WHICH IS WHEN YOU GO OUT
WITH WHOEVER YOU FIND ON THE OFF-RAMP BETWEEN
PARSIPPANY AND HACKENSACK. WE'LL BE BACK WITH NATHAN LANE.
>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS AN EMMY AND THREE-TIME TONY
AWARD-WINNING ACTOR. HE IS BACK ON BROADWAY IN THE
NEW PLAY, "PICTURES FROM HOME."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," NATHAN LANE.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> HOW ABOUT THAT? THANK YOU, ALL, VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU. p ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. >> WOW.
>> Stephen: PLEASE, PLEASE. I LIKE THE PIN STRIPES.
>> THANK YOU. >> Stephen:
>> RAINY DAYS AND MONDAYS ALWAYS GET ME DOWN, BUT NOT WHEN I'M
WITH YOU, STEPHEN. I HOPE IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO SAY
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU AND THE LOVELY EVIE.
I>> Stephen: NOT AT ALL. >> AS GEORGE SANTOS LIKES TO
SAY, "WHOLE NEW YEAR, WHOLE NEW ME.
( APPLAUSE ) AND I'M GETTING ORGANIZED MARIE
KONDO STYLE. >> Stephen: THIS YEAR?
>> YES, I WENT THROUGH THE GARAGE,s AND I THREW OUT ALL
CONFIDENTIAL DOCUMENTS THAT DON'T SPARK JOY.
>> Stephen: IT'S IMPORTANT. EVERYBODY SHOULD DO THAT.
>> FEEL BETTER. >> Stephen: SUNSHINE THE LAST
TIME WE WERE TOGETHER-- >> YES.
>> Stephen: AND IT'S BEEN TOO LONG.
>> YES. >> Stephen: THAT'S MY FAULT, I
APOLOGIZE. YOU WON AN EMMY FOR YOUR
PERFORMANCE-- >> YES.
>> Stephen: YOUR GUEST PERFORMER ON "ONLY MURDERS IN
THE BUILDING." CONGRATULATIONS ON THAT.
>> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: MY UNDERSTANDING
IS-- MY UNDERSTANDING-- AND CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG-- BY
DOING SO, WITH THIS NOMINATION YOU SET A RECORD OF SOME FORTH.
>> YES, THIS WAS MY FIRST PRIME-TIME EMMY.
I DO HAVE TWO DAYTIME EMMYS WHICH AS YOU KNOW ARE FILLED
WITH CHOCOLATE AND NOT TAKEN QUITE AS SERIOUSLY.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS,s IF YOU HAVE FOUR
DAYTIME EMMYS YOU CAN TRADE THEM FOR A PRIME-TIME EMMY.
WITH TWO DAYTIME EMMYS CAN ONLY GET FUZZY DICE AND A BABY YODA
CHIA PET. THIS WAS VERY EXCITING.
AMAZINGLY TO ME, YES, I AM NOW THE MOST NOMINATED GUEST ACTOR
IN EMMY HISTORY FOR THIS. ( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: OKAY, OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN A GUEST
PERFORMANCE BY A MEOW-MEOW, AND A MEOW-MEOW.
>> YES, IT WAS MY SEVENTH NOMINATION.
THE SEVENTH TIME WAS THE CHARM, AS THEY SAY.
>> Stephen: SURE, SURE. >> IT WAS FOR THE ROLE OF TEDDY
DIMAS, IN "MURDER IN THE BUILDING."
I HAVE A DEAF SON AND WE KUCT WITH AMERICAN SIGN LANGUAGE AND
I FIND IT INTERESTING AT THE TIME I FINALLY WON IS AN EPISODE
IN WHICH I WAS COMPLETELY SILENT.
( APPLAUSE ) ALL-- ALL THESE YEARS-- ALL
THESE YEARS, THE ACADEMY WAS JUST WAITING FOR ME TO SHUT UP.
( LAUGHTER ). >> Stephen: WELL, LET'S TALK
ABOUT THE NEXT SHOW OF YOURS. >> OH, YES.
>> Stephen: AND THAT IS PICTURE.
>> YES. >> JUST AROUND THE CORNER AT
STUDIO 54 HERE. WHAT IS IT ABOUT, AND WHOM ARE
YOU? >> YES, YES.
AS YOU CAN GUESS, I'M NOT A COCK EYED OPTIMIST, BUT AUDIENCES
REALLY SEEM TO BE LOVING THIS PLAY.
IT -- >> Stephen: AS A MATTER OF
FACT-- >> THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO. IT'S A BEAUTIFUL PIECE WRITTEN
BY SHARR WHITE, DIRECTED LIE BARTLETT SHER, AND BASED ON THE
PHOTO BOOK MEMOIR BY THE PHOTOGRAPHER LARRY SULTAN.
FOR A PERIOD OF ALMOST 10 YEARS, HE PHOTOGRAPHED AND INTERVIEWED
HIS PARENTS, USING THEM AS HIS SUBJECTS TO FOCUS ON ISSUES OF
FAMILY, MORTALITY, AND EVEN THE NOTION OF POLITICIZING FAMILY,
AS THEY DID IN THE REAGAN YEARS. AND IT'S ALSO HIS WAY, I THINK,
OF TRYING TO GET TO KNOW HIS FATHER, TO UNDERSTAND HIM, AND
HIMSELF. >> Stephen: THE PHOTOS ARE
BEAUTIFUL. >> IT'S A BEAUTIFUL BOOK.
SO DANNY BERSTEIN, THE WONDERFUL AND DANNY BER SCENE, AND ZOE
WANAMAKER, PLAY LARRY AND THE MOTHER, JEANNE, AND I PLAY THE
FATHER IRV. IN ORDER TO DIFFERENTIATE IN
TERMS OF AGE, AND EVEN THOUGH WE'RE NOT TOTALLY TRYING TO LOOK
EXACTLY LIKE THE REAL PEOPLE, JUST TO SUGGEST, WE ALL HAVE TO
WEAR WIGS. NOW, I KNOW YOU HAVE WORN WIGS
IN PAST. >> Stephen: I HAVE.
IS THIS THE ONE? SHOULD WE SHOW THE PEOPLE?
>> NOT YET. >> Stephen: OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I WANT TO DO MY
PART. I JUST WANT TO DO MY PART.
>> YOU'RE DOING IT VERY WELL. >> Stephen: THANK YOU.
>> THESE WIGS-- YOU KNOW, WIGS ARE-- IT'S NOT LIKE THEY CAN
JUST PLOP ONE ON YOU RIGHT OFF THE RACK AND GO PERFECT.
IT TAKES A WHILE TO GET IT RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE VERY ELABORATE.
>> YES, THEY ARE. DANNY'S WAS DARK BROWN, AND MINE
WAS TOTALLY WHITE. WHEN WE FIRST GOT THEM I LOOKED
LIKE SUPERMAN'S FATHER JERLE, IF HE HAD RETIRED TO MIAMI BEACH.
AND DANNY'S LOOKED LIKE BOB'S BIG BOY.
WHICH IS NOT WHAT WE WERE GOING FOR.
>> Stephen: SURE. >> BUT CERTAINLY A PLAY I'D LIKE
TO SEE. ( LAUGHTER )
I CAN HEAR-- I HEAR GERLE SPEAKING, "YOU WILL TRAVEL FAR,
BIG BOY. YOU WILL MAKE MY STRENGTH YOUR
OWN, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, YOU WILL SERVE CLASSIC AMERICAN
DINER FARE, AT REASONABLE PRICES, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: SURE. ( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: THAT'S ANOTHER EMMY.
I SMELL ANOTHER EMMY. >> SO, ANYWAY, THEY TAKE THEM
AWAY AND THEY DIAL THEM DOWN A BIT.
AND NOW I SORT OF HAVE A JAUNTY, PHIL DONOGHUE THING HAPPENING.
AND DANNY LOOK LIKES-- >> Stephen: WHEN DO I GET TO
SHOW IT. >> DANNY LOOKS LIKE A BRUNO MARS
STUNT DOUBLE YOU. HERE, NOW YOU CAN SHOW IT.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> Stephen: IT'S VERY PHIL. >> THE THING IS --
>> Stephen: IT LOOKS VERY REAL.
>> I HAD A TRAUMATIZING FACIAL HAIR EXPERIENCE IN A HIGH SCHOOL
PLAY YEARS AGO, AND I NEVER QUITE GOT OVER IT.
SO THAT'S WHAT MY FEAR OF HAIR IS.
>> Stephen: IS THIS? >> THIS IS ME IN "ARSENIC AND
OLD LACE." >> Stephen: IN HIGH SCHOOL.
>> IN HIGH SCHOOL. ( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: SO I CAN TELL-- I CAN TELL THE SUBTLY STARTED
EARLY IN YOUR CAREER. >> YOU BEAT ME TO IT.
YUP. YEAH.
AND AS YOU CAN SEE, I'M WEARING-- I SEEM TO BE WEARING A
AMERICAN ON MY UPPER LIP OR A SMALL WOODLAND CREATURE, JUST
HAPPENED TO EXPIRE ON MY FACE. I THINK-- WHAT DO YOU THINK IT
LOOKS LIKE? I THINK IT LOOKS LIKE I SAID,
"TAKE THAT PORK CHOP, DIP IS IN BLACK INK AND SLAP ME."
>> Stephen: IT LOOKS LIKE TWO LONG SHOREMEN FIGHTING OVER A
SQUIRREL. >> IT LOOKS LIKE I'M EATING A
MUSK RAT BUT I'M ONLY HALFWAY THROUGH.
( LAUGHTER ). >> Stephen: IT'S BEEN NEARLY
FOUR YEARS SINCE YOU WERE ON BROADWAY.
>> I KNOW. >> Stephen: OUR GOOD LUCK THAT
YOU'RE BACK ON BROADWAY. >> THANK YOU.
WELL, THANK YOU, MY GOOD LUCK. >> Stephen: HOW LONG CAN YOU
GO WITHOUT BEING ON STAGE? DO YOU START TO TWITCH AT A
CERTAIN POINT? >> LIKE I'M A METH ADDICT?
YEAH. >> Stephen: SURE.
>> WHILE SWALLOWS GOING BACK TO CAPISTRANO.
NO, I DON'T SUDDENLY START OBSESSIVELY BOWING AT BREAKFAST
OR-- BLURTING OUT, "A HORSE, A HORSE, MY KINGDOM FOR A HORSE"
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. REALLY, AT THIS SOO AT MY AGE,
IT'S REALLY ABOUT THE PLAY, THE MATERIAL THAT IS TOUCHES YOU,
THAT IT MOVES YOU, MAKES YOU LAUGH, THAT IT MAKES YOU WANT TO
PUT YOURSELF THROUGH EIGHT SHOWS A WEEK, BECAUSE IT'S A REAL
DISCIPLINE AND CHALLENGE. AND THIS PLAY DID THAT FOR ME.
YOU KNOW, IT'S A PLAY ABOUT PARENTS AND MORTALITY, AND
MORTALITY HAS BEEN ON MY MIND LATELY.
SO I JUST THOUGHT THIS WAS REALLY A WORTHWHILE PIECE TO
BRING BACK TO BROADWAY-- WELL, NOT BACK.
IT'S A BRAND NEW PLAY. AND IT'S A VERY SCARY TIME ON
BROADWAY. THERE'S KNOW-- IT HASN'T REALLY
COME FULLY BACK. CERTAINLY NOT THE TOURIST TRADE.
AND SO IT'S A REAL RISK TO DO A NEW PLAY.
BUT I JUST THINK THIS PARTICULAR PIECE HAS GREAT APPEAL AND
REALLY TOUCHES PEOPLE. >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK, NATHAN LANE. >> NO!
>> Stephen: YES. >> NO!
>> Stephen: BUT YOU STAY HERE, BECAUSE WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
MORE NATHAN LANE. WE'RE COMING BACK.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. WE'RE BACK WITH THE STAR OF
"PICTURES FROM HOME" ON BROADWAY, STUDIO 54, WITH NATHAN
LANE. I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE SOME BIG
NEWS THAT YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE. >> OH, YES.
>> Stephen: THIS IS AN EXCLUSIVE FOR "THE LATE SHOW,"
FROM NATHAN LANE. WHAT IS THIS?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO SAY.
>> THIS IS NOT ABOUT MY FILM COMING OUT.
THIS IS ABOUT I'M THE NEW JAMES BOND.
( APPLAUSE ) ( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: WOW, THAT WAS A BOLD CHOICE.
WOW. >> NOW, BEFORE YOU START WITH
THE TWITTER RANTS, HEAR ME OUT. SO BARBARA BROCCOLI CALLS ME AND
SAYS NATHAN, WE WANT TO TAKE BOND IN A WHOLE NEW, MORE MATURE
DIRECTION. >> Stephen: SURE, SURE.
>> WE THINK YOU'RE THE GUY. I SAID, "SURE, BARBARA.
I'D BE HONORED TO FOLLOW IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF THESE GREAT
ACTORS." SO SHE SENT ME THE SCRIPT.
IT'S CALLED "OX "ACT GENNARIAN PUSSY."
OR-- ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) OR "THE SPY WHO LOVED
METAMUCIL." THE BOND IS NOW AT RETIREMENT
AGE LIVING IN A COUNTRY MAINOR HOUSE WITH HIS WIFE, PUSSY
GALORE. REAL NAME MILDRED LEFKOWITZ.
HE'S A LITTLE BOARD AND GETS A JOB IN CUSTOMER SERVICE AT THE
LOCAL HOME DEPOT AND THAT'S WHEN THINGS GET CRAZY.
THERE ARE VERY POIGNANT SCENES WHERE BOND FORGETS HIS APPLE
I.D. HE HAS TO GO TO THE GENIUS BAR,
AND A VERY, VERY POWERFUL SCENE AT RITE AIDE WHEN 007 GOES UP TO
THE PHARMACIST AND SAYS, "BOND, GOLD BOND."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
"WELL IT HELP WITH MY ECZEMA?" THE HEART OF THE STORY IS BOND
FOYTING FOR FULL PENSIONS AND BENEFITS WHILE TRYING TO BALANCE
THE COST OF TOP-SHELF VODKA ON A FIXEDS INCOME.
SADLY, HIS LIBIDO ISN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE.
A BOND GIRL OFFERS TO HIS HOTEL SUITE AND SAYS SHE'S THERE TO
OFFER HIM SUPER SEX. AND HE SAID,s, SUPER SEX?
I THINK I'LL HAVE THE SOUP." ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: BUT UNTIL THAT
COMES OUT, "PICTURES FROM HOME" IS ON BROADWAY AT STUDIO 54.
THE MAN IS NATHAN LANE, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE COMEDIAN SAM JAY.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK!
FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS A COMEDIAN AND WRITER WHO HOSTS
HER OWN HBO TALK SHOW, "PAUSE WITH SAM JAY."
SHE NOW STARS IN THE NEW FILM "YOU PEOPLE."
>> I DON'T THINK I'VE HEARD OF A MAN EVER WHO WANTED TO BE IN A
RELATIONSHIP SO BADLY BESIDES DRAKE.
>> I FEEL LIKE DRAKE. I FEEL LIKE I'M ALONE ON A
BUILDING IN TORONTO DANGLING MY LEGS OFF WONDERING WHAT IT'S
LIKE TO FEEL COMPANIONSHIP. THAT'S THE SPACE I AM.
>> I NEED YOU DO DIG DOWN IN THE DEEP GEORGE BODY.
>> I DON'T HAVE CERTIFIED LOVER BOY, DRAG ENERGY NOW.
I DON'T. I'M LITERALLY TAKE CARE DRAKE.
IF I'M BEING HONEST ABOUT OUR FRIENDSHIP, I THINK YOU'RE BEING
PUSHER T. TOWARDS ME. >> MAYBE YOUR ASS NEEDS A BULLY
RIGHT NOW, BRO, SOMEBODY TO PUSH AROUND.
YOU'RE GIVING ME HOUSTON ATLANTA VEGAS DRAKE.
I'M TALKING ABOUT BIG UPPER LIP. GET IT TOGETHER.
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," SAM JAY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> IS IT OKAY THAT I SAT DOWN
BEFORE YOU? >> Stephen: OF COURSE YOU
SHOULD SIT DOWN. YOU'RE THE GUEST.
YOU SIT DOWN FIRST ALWAYS. I NEVER SIT DOWN BEFORE THE
GUEST DOES. THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
YOU STAR IN "YOU PEOPLE "WITH JONAH HILL AND EDDIE MURPHY, NOT
TOO HABI FOR YOUR FIRST FEATURE FILM.
>> SCARY. >> Stephen: HOW DID IT FEEL,
SCARY? >> SCARY.
AND LAUREN LONDON IS IN IT AS WELL.
BUT SUPER EXCITING AT THE SAME TIME.
>> Stephen: WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE FOR YOU TO SHOOT ON A FILM
SET? IT'S TOTALLY DIFFERENT THAN
OTHER FORMS OF ENTERTAINMENT. IT'S ALL DONE IN LITTLE CHUNKS.
HOW DID YOU LIKE THAT? >> I DIDN'T MIND IT, IT WAS JUST
A LOT OF PRESSURE. I FEEL LIKE WHEN YOU WALK ON A
FILM SET IT'S SO MUCH BIGGER, AND YOU'RE LIKE WOW, THIS IS A
LOT OF MONEY THAT I'M PROBABLY WASTING.
( LAUGHTER ). >> Stephen: RIGHT, AND YOU
WANT TO BE COMFORTABLE, WHEN SOMEBODY'S GOING TO TELL YOU,
"LET'S GET GOING." DID YOU HAVE TO AUDITION FOR
THIS PART? >> NO, ACTUALLY.
IT WAS REALLY WEIRD HOW IT CAME ABOUT.
I WAS OUTSIDE OF THE COMEDY CELLAR AND I GOT A CALL FROM
KENYA BARRIS, THE DIRECTOR, AND HE SAID, "I WOULD LIKE FOR YOU
TO BE IN THE MOVIE." I SAID, "OH, MAN, DO I HAVE TO
AUDITION, BECAUSE I'M REALLY BAD AT AUDITIONING AND I DON'T WANT
TO EMBARRASS YOU." AND HE SAID, "NO, IF YOU WANT TO
DO IT,s IT'S YOURS. AND HE SAID, JONAH HILL, AND
EDDIE MURPHY. AND I SAID ARE YOU SERIOUS?
AND I HUNG UP AND IMMEDIATELY FELT PRESSURE.
>> Stephen: DID YOU CALL ANYBODY?
>> I CALLED MY GIRL. I CALLED MY FIANCE AND SAID, ,"
HEY I'M GOING TO BE IN THE MOVIE."
AND SHE SAID,s, FOR REAL?" AND I SAID, "MAYBE NOT.
HE COULD BE LYING." >> Stephen: THAT WOULD BE A
BAD PRANK. SOMEBODY CALLS YOU UP.
>> YOU KNOW HOW IT IS IN THE INDUSTRY.
YOU NEVER BELIEVE IT UNTIL YOU SEE IT.
AND MY MANAGER CALLED ME AND SAID, "HEY, WE HAVE THIS OFFER
FOR THIS MOVIE." AND I SAID IT'S REALLY
HAPPENING. >> Stephen: IT'S ABOUT TWO
DIFFERENT SETS OF IN-LAWS MEETING FOR THE FIRST TIME.
NOW, YOU HAVE A FIANCE. >> I DO.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU MET HER PARENTS?
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: WAS THAT-- WAS
THAT AN INTENSELY PRESSURE-FILLED SITUATION FOR
YOU? >> LIKE, I ALREADY KIND OF HAVE
KNOWN HER MOM. LIKE, WE HAD TALKED A LOT AND WE
HAD A GOOD RAPPORT. BUT I HAD NEVER MET OR SPOKEN TO
HER FATHER AND THAT WAS A LOT OF PRESSURE.
SHE THINKS HIGHLY OF HER DAD. I WANTED HIM TO LIKE ME BECAUSE
I KNEW THAT WOULD MAKE HER LIKE ME MORE.
I WAS REALLY, LIKE, NERVOUS ABOUT IT.
AND HE ALSO HAS A LOT OF SWORDS, SO THAT DIDN'T HELP.
( LAUGHTER ). >> Stephen: I'M SORRY, GO
BACK-- HE HAS A LOT OF SWORDS HANGING ON THE WALL AND STUFF
LIKE THAT? >> YES.
>> Stephen: HONEST TO GOD SWORDS?
>> REAL ONES. >> Stephen: AND WHY DOES HE
HAVE SO MANY SWORDS? IS HE A SAMURAI?
>> HE'S JUST INTO THEM, I GUESS. AND HE LIKES THEM AS A FORM OF
PROTECTION. I REALLY DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: NOT AS A FORM OF PROTECTION.
>> SOMEONE BREAKS IN AND YOU GRAB A SWORD OFF THE WALL,
THEY'RE GOING TO BE LIKE, "THIS PERSON MEANS BUSINESS."
>> Stephen: I MIGHT LEAVE BECAUSE I THOUGHT THEY WERE
CRAZY. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO CUT'S BULLET
IN HALF. DO YOU HAVE COLLECTIONS
YOURSELF? DID YOU SHARE WITH HIM ANYTHING?
>> WE KIND OF LIKE THE SAME STUFF AS FAR AS "STAR WARS" AND
I HAVE A COUPLE OF LIGHT SABERS. >> Stephen: THAT BRINGS IT
TOGETHER RIGHT THERE. >> THAT'S A BONDING SPACE RIGHT
THERE. >> Stephen: AS A STAND-UP
COMEDIAN ARE YOU GOING ON TOUR ANY TIME SOON?
>> I'M TOURING KIND OF RIGHT NOW, YEAH, GETTING READY TO
SHOOT ANOTHER SPECIAL. >> Stephen: DO YOU LIKE BEING
ON THE ROAD BECAUSE IT CAN BE ROUGH OUT THERE?
>> NO. >> Stephen: YOU DON'T LIKE IT.
IT SHOWS YOU'RE GOOD, BUT THE ROAD--
>> THE ROAD, THE AIRPLANES, SITTING BY YOURSELF AT AIRPORTS
LIKE, YOU KNOW, BARS. >> Stephen: SURE.
>> IT SUCK S. >> Stephen: DO YOU EVER JUST
GET-- IS IT ALWAYS AIRPLANEOR ARE YOU DRIVING FROM CITY TO
CITY, TOO? THE THING ABOUT THE MIDWEST,
ESPECIALLY THIS TIME OF YEAR, LIKE, NEBRASKA, GOD BLESS IT,
EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, LOOKS LIKE JUST LIKE THE STUBBLE OF A
SAILOR ON SHORE LEAVE BECAUSE ALL THE CORN HAS BEEN CUT DOWN
AND IT'S DARK WITH A LITTLE BIT OF SNOW TOSSED IN THERE.
>> RIGHT. WE DO A LITTLE DRIVING.
I LIKE GRAND RAPIDS. THAT WAS A PRETTY SAD PLACE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? >> Stephen: YOU LIKE THAT?
I DO, TOO. >> IT'S THE REALITY CHECK YOU
NEED SOMETIMES. YOU'RE LIKE, "OKAY, THIS IS HOW
SOME PEOPLE LIVE AND IT'S GOOD TO KNOW THAT."
>> Stephen: I HEARD YOU RECENTLY CELEBRATED A BIRTHDAY.
HAPPY-- HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY. >> THANK YOU
( APPLAUSE ). >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU DO?
DO YOU DO ANYTHING SPECIAL? >> THIS WAS MY FIRST, LIKE,
ADULT BIRTHDAY. I HAD DINNER WITH, LIKE, FIVE
FRIENDS. >> Stephen: BUT YOU'RE NOT
JUST AN ADULT. YOU'RE NOT LIKE 21 OR 22, ARE
YOU? >> NO, I'M A GROWN-UP, GROWN-UP.
>> Stephen: YOU HADN'T GONE OUT AND ENJOYED YOUR BIRTHDAY?
>> USUALLY I PARTY HARD. I FEEL LIKE NOOSE A YOUNG
BIRTHDAY. THIS BIRTHDAY BECAUSE I'M SUPER
GROWN I WAS LIKE I JUST WANT WINE AND A NICE MEAL.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THE MOST DRUNK YOU GOT ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
>> IF I COULD REMEMBER, THEN I WASN'T THAT DRUNK.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: GOOD POINT.
CAN YOU-- CAN YOU EXPLAIN THIS TWEET, BY ANY CHANCE?
THIS IS-- I'VE READ THIS SEVERAL TIMES AND I CANNOT MAKE HEADS OR
TAIL OF THIS. BUT THIS IS A TWEET OF YOURS,
RIGHT? >> YES.
>> Stephen: WHY DON'T YOU READ IT.
CAN YOU READ THAT RIGHT THERE? READ THAT.
THIS IS ABOUT YOUR BIRTHDAY. >> BRO, THIS IS MY SECOND SOLO
( BLEEP ). THE ABILITY TO ( BLEEP ) IN
PUBLIC IN PEACE IN SEVERAL STATES/COUNTRIES SHOULD BE A
MAJOR SELLING POINT AT SOHO HOUSE.
THIS IS TRULY GAME CHANGING." ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: SO YOU ENJOYED THE BATHROOMS AT THE SOHO HOUSE NO
MATTER WHAT CITY YOU'RE IN? >> YES, THEY'RE PRIVATE, THEY'RE
REALLY NICE. THE TOILET SEATS ARE WARM.
IT'S A VERY COMFORTABLE EXPERIENCE.
>> Stephen: WARM ON PURPOSE OR BECAUSE SOMEBODY WAS JUST
SITTING ON THEM SECONDS AGO. >> EITHER WAY THAT WORKS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S TRUE. I KNOW HOW I'M SPENDING MY NEXT
BIRTHDAY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. >> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: "YOU PEOPLE" IS IN SELECT THEATERS NOW AND
AVAILABLE ON NETFLIX THIS FRIDAY.
SAM JAY, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE JASON SEGEL AND CHUCK D.
STICK AROUND FOR JAMES. GOOD NIGHT.