1 00:00:02,369 --> 00:00:05,905 Economic squeeze continues to impact the price of eggs. 2 00:00:05,972 --> 00:00:10,443 And now there are reports of egg smuggling across the border. 3 00:00:10,510 --> 00:00:13,713 U.S. customs officials say attempts to bring eggs into the 4 00:00:13,780 --> 00:00:20,220 U.S. from Mexico are rising. >> This season on "Huevos" 5 00:00:20,286 --> 00:00:24,190 imagine the price of eggs is so high you're willing to risk your 6 00:00:24,257 --> 00:00:37,937 life for a frittata. >> Sometimes to build a cartel, 7 00:00:38,004 --> 00:00:49,849 you've got to break a few eggs. Don't shoot the eggs. 8 00:00:49,916 --> 00:00:56,423 Huevos, only on Breakflix. >> Announcer: IT'S THE LATE SHOW 9 00:00:56,489 --> 00:01:00,593 WITH STEPHEN COLBERT. TONIGHT: TANK YOU FOR BEING A 10 00:01:00,660 --> 00:01:04,831 FRIEND! PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES 11 00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:11,471 BRETT GOLDSTEIN AND AMANDA WARREN. 12 00:01:11,538 --> 00:01:15,942 FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND. 13 00:01:16,009 --> 00:01:21,548 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 14 00:01:21,614 --> 00:01:36,496 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! (APPLAUSE). 15 00:01:36,563 --> 00:01:44,204 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! (APPLAUSE). 16 00:01:44,270 --> 00:01:50,944 >> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU. HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY SHOW, 17 00:01:51,010 --> 00:01:56,983 MY FRIENDS. HEY, EVERYBODY. 18 00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:58,318 THANKS, EVERYBODY, PLEASE HAVE A SEAT. 19 00:01:58,384 --> 00:02:00,820 YOU'RE TOO KIND. WELCOME IN HERE, OUT THERE, UP 20 00:02:00,887 --> 00:02:02,922 THERE, DOWN THERE, WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW. 21 00:02:02,989 --> 00:02:10,230 I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. FOLK, I WANT YOU TO-- 22 00:02:10,296 --> 00:02:11,297 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) CHECK YOUR CALENDARS, BECAUSE 23 00:02:11,364 --> 00:02:12,532 TODAY IS OFFICIALLY OPPOSITE DAY! 24 00:02:12,599 --> 00:02:17,036 WHICH MEANS IT'S NOT OPPOSITE DAY. 25 00:02:17,103 --> 00:02:23,977 OR AM I? ANOTHER THING ABOUT TODAY: IT'S 26 00:02:24,043 --> 00:02:32,552 VOLODOMIR ZELENSKYY'S BIRTHDAY! AND JOE BIDEN GOT HIM EXACTLY 27 00:02:32,619 --> 00:02:33,419 - - YEAH. AND JOE BIDEN GOT HIM EXACTLY 28 00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:36,823 WHAT HE ASKED FOR: 30 M-1 ABRAMS TANKS. 29 00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:39,592 IT WASN'T A BIG SURPRISE. ZELENSKY FIGURED IT OUT WHILE IT 30 00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:44,631 WAS STILL WRAPPED. THE ABRAMS IS A GAME CHANGER IN 31 00:02:44,697 --> 00:02:48,001 THIS WAR. IT'S A STATE OF THE ART BATTLE 32 00:02:48,067 --> 00:02:55,375 TANK THAT WEIGHS 70 TONS, YET IS CAPABLE OF SPEEDS UP TO 42 MILES 33 00:02:55,441 --> 00:02:58,678 AN HOUR. PLUS, IT COMES WITH A FREE MONTH 34 00:02:58,745 --> 00:03:02,382 OF SIRIUS XM. SO WHILE YOU'RE BREACHING ENEMY 35 00:03:02,448 --> 00:03:06,553 LINES, YOU CAN LISTEN TO STERN. NOW, COMPARE THAT TO THE 36 00:03:06,619 --> 00:03:12,191 TOP-OF-THE-LINE RUSSIAN TANK, WHICH IS POTATO. 37 00:03:12,258 --> 00:03:18,565 BY THE WAY, OUR "IS POTATO" SHIRTS ARE STILL FOR SALE. 38 00:03:18,631 --> 00:03:20,867 IF YOU HAVEN'T GOTTEN ONE. ALL OUR PROCEEDS GO TO WORLD 39 00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:22,502 CENTRAL KITCHEN, FEEDING THE PEOPLE OF UKRAINE. 40 00:03:22,569 --> 00:03:26,072 IT MAKES A GREAT BIRTHDAY GIFT, IF NO ONE GETS YOU A TANK. 41 00:03:26,139 --> 00:03:33,146 SO FAR, WE'VE RAISED OVER $300,000! 42 00:03:33,212 --> 00:03:35,949 SCAN RIGHT THERE, SCAN THAT, SCAN THAT RIGHT THERE. 43 00:03:36,015 --> 00:03:41,921 GET YOURSELF A-- GET YOURSELF, THERE YOU GO. 44 00:03:41,988 --> 00:03:43,957 PENTAGON OFFICIALS HAVE BEEN RELUCTANT TO SEND THE ABRAMS, 45 00:03:44,023 --> 00:03:47,460 BUT THEY CHANGED THEIR MINDS, AFTER GERMANY AGREED TO SEND ITS 46 00:03:47,527 --> 00:03:50,430 LEOPARD BATTLE TANKS TO UKRAINE. MAKING THIS THE FIRST TIME 47 00:03:50,496 --> 00:03:52,665 ANYONE IN EUROPE HAS SAID "GOOD NEWS! 48 00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:59,606 THE GERMAN TANKS ARE ROLLING IN!" 49 00:03:59,672 --> 00:04:02,108 (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE). 50 00:04:02,175 --> 00:04:05,912 >> Stephen: SURE. THE MILITARY SUPPORT FROM THE 51 00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:07,447 U.S. AND GERMANY COULDN'T COME SOON 52 00:04:07,513 --> 00:04:09,582 ENOUGH. BECAUSE YESTERDAY, CITING THE 53 00:04:09,649 --> 00:04:12,852 WAR IN UKRAINE, A GROUP OF SCIENTISTS UPDATED THE POSITION 54 00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:15,788 OF THE DOOMSDAY CLOCK, WHICH IS USED TO SYMBOLIZE THE LIKELIHOOD 55 00:04:15,855 --> 00:04:17,824 OF PEOPLE DOING SOMETHING TO END HUMANITY. 56 00:04:17,890 --> 00:04:22,462 KIND OF A DOWNER. BUT STILL LESS DEPRESSING THAN 57 00:04:22,528 --> 00:04:28,801 ANY WATCH THAT COUNTS YOUR STEPS. 58 00:04:28,868 --> 00:04:31,604 I CAN'T MAKE THE RINGS ANY SMALLER. 59 00:04:31,671 --> 00:04:34,574 THE FOLKS RUNNING THE DOOMSDAY CLOCK ARE LEADERS IN SCIENCE, 60 00:04:34,641 --> 00:04:38,711 POLITICS, AND TECHNOLOGY. LET'S WATCH THEM AWKWARDLY 61 00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:41,414 UNVEIL THE BIG, SCARY CLOCK. KEEP IN MIND, IN THIS METAPHOR, 62 00:04:41,481 --> 00:04:45,418 MIDNIGHT IS THE END OF THE WORLD: 63 00:04:45,485 --> 00:04:58,998 >> IT IS NOW 90 SECONDS TO MIDNIGHT. 64 00:04:59,065 --> 00:05:13,946 (LAUGHTER) 65 00:05:14,013 --> 00:05:17,250 (LAUGHTER) 66 00:05:17,316 --> 00:05:19,218 >> Stephen: THAT PAUSE WAS 90 SECONDS! 67 00:05:19,285 --> 00:05:25,525 SHOULDN'T WE ALL BE DEAD NOW? GUYS, YOU JUST SAID THE WORLD IS 68 00:05:25,591 --> 00:05:26,926 ENDING, DO SOMETHING! RUN! SCREAM! 69 00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:31,431 HAVE AN ORGY! C'MON, IT'S BONE-O-CLOCK! 70 00:05:31,497 --> 00:05:33,766 BLUE BLAZER LADY, HOP ON RUMPLED SHIRT GUY. 71 00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:38,838 EVERYBODY ELSE JUST PUPPY PILE, YOU ALREADY GOT THE TARP DOWN! 72 00:05:38,905 --> 00:05:42,642 OLD MAN, YOU JUST WATCH-- YOU SEEM BRITTLE. 73 00:05:42,709 --> 00:05:45,912 THIS YEAR'S DOOMSDAY CLOCK ISN'T JUST ABOUT NUKES. 74 00:05:45,978 --> 00:05:48,414 THE "90 SECONDS TO MIDNIGHT" WARNING ALSO REFERS TO 75 00:05:48,481 --> 00:05:51,584 GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE, "UNABATED" DISINFORMATION 76 00:05:51,651 --> 00:05:54,620 ONLINE, AND THE ONGOING THREAT OF INFECTIOUS DISEASE. 77 00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:57,957 OKAY, THAT'S A LOT FOR ONE TIMEPIECE TO CONVEY. 78 00:05:58,024 --> 00:06:00,893 THE ONLY CLOCK THAT ADDRESSES ALL OF THOSE ISSUES IS "IT'S 79 00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:07,100 5:00 SOMEWHERE!" THE GOP IS STILL REELING FROM 80 00:06:07,166 --> 00:06:09,302 THANK YOU, THANK YOU. (APPLAUSE) 81 00:06:09,368 --> 00:06:11,270 THANK YOU, A QUALITY FAMILY JOKE. 82 00:06:11,337 --> 00:06:14,173 PUT THAT UP IN DAD'S BAR. THE GOP IS STILL REELING FROM 83 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,375 YESTERDAY'S REVELATION THAT IT'S NOT JUST JOE BIDEN-- MIKE 84 00:06:16,442 --> 00:06:17,810 PENCE ALSO FOUND CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS AT HIS HOME IN 85 00:06:17,877 --> 00:06:22,615 INDIANA. I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN 86 00:06:22,682 --> 00:06:24,517 MY ONGOING SEGMENT: "WHAT'S UP, DOCS? 87 00:06:24,584 --> 00:06:29,889 MIKE PENCE EDITION." >> OWOOGAH! 88 00:06:29,956 --> 00:06:33,392 >> BE GONE, YOU MANILA TEMPTRESS! 89 00:06:33,459 --> 00:06:36,763 >> Stephen: PENCE HAD INSISTED THAT HIS STAFF DID A RIGOROUS 90 00:06:36,829 --> 00:06:38,698 SEARCH FOR CLASSIFIED MATERIAL WHEN THEY WERE PACKING UP HIS DC 91 00:06:38,765 --> 00:06:40,566 RESIDENCE, BUT OBVIOUSLY SOME STUFF SLIPPED THROUGH THE 92 00:06:40,633 --> 00:06:42,568 CRACKS. AND NOW WE'VE LEARNED HOW 93 00:06:42,635 --> 00:06:46,038 BECAUSE APPARENTLY, AT THE LAST MINUTE, SOME BOXES CAME FROM THE 94 00:06:46,105 --> 00:06:48,074 WHITE HOUSE, WHICH DID NOT GO THROUGH THE PROCESS THE REST OF 95 00:06:48,141 --> 00:06:50,576 THE DOCUMENTS DID. MIKE PENCE, HAVE YOU LEARNED 96 00:06:50,643 --> 00:06:52,879 NOTHING FROM THOSE ANNOUNCEMENTS AT THE AIRPORT?! 97 00:06:52,945 --> 00:06:57,250 NEVER CARRY A PACKAGE FOR SOMEONE ELSE! 98 00:06:57,316 --> 00:06:59,285 (AS PENCE) "WHY, YES, I WILL TAKE YOUR 99 00:06:59,352 --> 00:07:03,022 BRICK OF SWEET 'N' LOW WRAPPED IN DUCT TAPE. 100 00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:05,191 YOU'D LIKE ME TO PUT IT WHERE? BUT THAT'S NOT WHERE I KEEP MY 101 00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:17,170 COFFEE!" PAINTING A PICTURE. 102 00:07:17,236 --> 00:07:18,638 NOW, IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYBODY'S BRINGING HOME CLASSIFIED 103 00:07:18,704 --> 00:07:20,807 DOCUMENTS LIKE THEY WERE KETCHUP PACKETS, BUT SOUTH CAROLINA 104 00:07:20,873 --> 00:07:25,211 SENATOR LINDSAY GRAHAM SAYS HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY: 105 00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:27,980 >> IF YOU COME TO MY HOUSE, YOU'LL FIND CHICK-FIL-A BAGS ALL 106 00:07:28,047 --> 00:07:30,049 OVER THE FLOOR, BUT YOU'RE NOT GONNA FIND ANY CLASSIFIED 107 00:07:30,116 --> 00:07:32,752 INFORMATION. >> Stephen: HOLY CRY FOR HELP, 108 00:07:32,819 --> 00:07:35,555 BATMAN! (AS GRAHAM) 109 00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:37,390 "IF YOU COME TO MY HOUSE, THE FIRST THING THAT HITS YOU IS THE 110 00:07:37,456 --> 00:07:40,660 SMELL. YOU'LL BE LIKE, 'IT REEKS OF 111 00:07:40,726 --> 00:07:43,095 CAT PEE, BUT I DON'T SEE ANY CATS.' 112 00:07:43,162 --> 00:07:46,232 THEN YOU'LL TRIP OVER AN OLD BOTTLE OF WILD TURKEY AND SLIP 113 00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:48,100 ON A TEAR-SOAKED PICTURE OF MY EX, AND THAT'S WHEN YOU'LL SEE 114 00:07:48,167 --> 00:07:49,235 ME: PASSED OUT ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR. 115 00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:53,773 FULL SUIT, SHOES SOCKS NO PANTS. BUT YEAH, NO CLASSIFIED 116 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:58,177 INFORMATION. WHILE A LOT OF REPUBLICANS ARE 117 00:07:58,244 --> 00:08:01,080 MAD AT PENCE, THE FORMER VEEP GOT A BOOST FROM THE FORMER 118 00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:03,683 PRES, WHO TRUTHED: "MIKE PENCE IS AN INNOCENT MAN. 119 00:08:03,749 --> 00:08:07,987 HE NEVER DID ANYTHING KNOWINGLY DISHONEST IN HIS LIFE." 120 00:08:08,054 --> 00:08:17,530 ADDING, "WHICH IS WHY I TRIED TO HAVE HIM KILLED." 121 00:08:17,597 --> 00:08:21,234 (APPLAUSE) BASED ON A TRUE STORY. 122 00:08:21,300 --> 00:08:23,202 [BLEEP] SO WITH THESE NEW PENCE 123 00:08:23,269 --> 00:08:27,506 REVELATIONS, THE G.O.P. HAVE A CLEAR, NEW TARGET: XBOX. 124 00:08:27,573 --> 00:08:32,144 SEE, MICROSOFT IS ROLLING OUT A SERIES OF UPDATES TO IMPROVE 125 00:08:32,211 --> 00:08:34,647 ENERGY EFFICIENCY IN ITS CONSOLES, THEREBY TRIMMING THE 126 00:08:34,714 --> 00:08:37,717 GAMING INDUSTRY'S CARBON EMISSIONS AND SAVING USERS MONEY 127 00:08:37,783 --> 00:08:40,753 ON THEIR ELECTRIC BILLS. MONEY THAT THEY CAN THEN SPEND 128 00:08:40,820 --> 00:08:51,297 ON COOL XBOX GAMES, LIKE THE BIG ONES, LIKE..."CALL OF ZELDA" OR 129 00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:56,535 "DONKEY PARTY." BUT THAT'S NOT HOW FOX NEWS SAW 130 00:08:56,602 --> 00:08:58,671 THE MOVE. LET'S GO TO MY COLLEAGUE AINSLEY 131 00:08:58,738 --> 00:09:01,440 EARHARDT? >> XBOX HAS ALSO ANNOUNCED 132 00:09:01,507 --> 00:09:05,278 THEY'RE GOING WOKE TOO BECAUSE OF CLIMATE CHANGE THAT THEY ARE 133 00:09:05,344 --> 00:09:07,980 ADDING A NEW FEATURE TO THEIR DEFAULT SETTINGS. 134 00:09:08,047 --> 00:09:12,551 SO IF YOU OWN AN XBOX YOU CAN UPLOAD THIS NEW PROGRAM AND IT 135 00:09:12,618 --> 00:09:16,622 WILL TURN OFF AFTER SO LONG TO SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT, THE POWER. 136 00:09:16,689 --> 00:09:18,491 >> Stephen: YEAH. THEY WANT US TO TURN OFF OUR 137 00:09:18,557 --> 00:09:20,426 XBOX? WHAT'S NEXT? 138 00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:24,597 THEY'RE GONNA TELL ME TO TURN OFF MY CAR ENGINE WHEN I PULL 139 00:09:24,664 --> 00:09:27,667 INTO THE GARAGE? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FALL 140 00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:32,872 ASLEEP? BUT OF COURSE, THIS WOULDN'T BE 141 00:09:32,939 --> 00:09:35,408 A GOOD OL' FOX NEWS NOTHING BURGER WITHOUT THIS SOMEHOW 142 00:09:35,474 --> 00:09:38,577 BEING ABOUT "GROOMING THE KIDS:" >> BUT THEY'RE TRYING TO 143 00:09:38,644 --> 00:09:41,747 RECRUIT YOUR KIDS INTO CLIMATE POLITICS AT AN EARLIER AGE, MAKE 144 00:09:41,814 --> 00:09:44,850 THEM CLIMATE CONSCIOUS NOW. >> YEAH I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT, 145 00:09:44,917 --> 00:09:46,052 YOU'RE RIGHT, THEY'RE GOING AFTER THE CHILDREN. 146 00:09:46,118 --> 00:09:47,386 >> OF COURSE THEY ARE, BUT AGAIN, WHAT'S THE POINT OF VIDEO 147 00:09:47,453 --> 00:09:49,555 GAMES? IT'S FOR KIDS TO BE KIDS. 148 00:09:49,622 --> 00:09:51,090 >> Stephen: YES, WHY ARE THEY CORRUPTING OUR KIDS' INNOCENT 149 00:09:51,157 --> 00:09:54,660 ACTIVITIES, LIKE ITALIAN PLUMBERS TAKING MUSHROOMS AND 150 00:09:54,727 --> 00:09:57,730 KILLING TURTLES AND DRIVING A STOLEN ICE CREAM TRUCK THROUGH A 151 00:09:57,797 --> 00:10:01,467 CRACKHOUSE. SO CLEARLY, THE G.O.P. NEEDS 152 00:10:01,534 --> 00:10:05,037 SOME FRESH IDEAS. LUCKILY, THE R.N.C. IS GETTING 153 00:10:05,104 --> 00:10:08,741 READY TO PICK A NEW CHAIR TO LEAD THE GOP INTO A BRIGHTER, 154 00:10:08,808 --> 00:10:11,010 SAFER WORLD, FULL OF GUNS AND HORNY M&MS. 155 00:10:11,077 --> 00:10:14,847 ON FRIDAY, THEY'LL BE CHOOSING BETWEEN CURRENT CHAIR, RONNA 156 00:10:14,914 --> 00:10:18,417 "ROMNEY, WHO SAID MY NAME WAS ROMNEY?" McDANIEL, PRO-MAGA 157 00:10:18,484 --> 00:10:21,420 ATTORNEY HARMEET DHILLON, AS WELL AS-- AND THIS IS REAL-- 158 00:10:21,487 --> 00:10:25,458 MY PILLOW C.E.O. MIKE LINDELL, SEEN HERE CONFIRMING, YES, I DID 159 00:10:25,524 --> 00:10:28,361 COME TO THIS EVENT WITHOUT PANTS. 160 00:10:28,427 --> 00:10:31,030 LINDELL ANNOUNCED HIS CAMPAIGN A FEW MONTHS BACK, AND SAID HE'S 161 00:10:31,097 --> 00:10:34,367 DOING IT FOR A HIGHER POWER. >> I PRAYED ABOUT IT AND THIS IS 162 00:10:34,433 --> 00:10:37,903 GOD'S WILL AND THIS IS WHAT I'M DOING. 163 00:10:37,970 --> 00:10:39,205 >> Stephen: I COULD BELIEVE THIS IS GOD'S WILL. 164 00:10:39,271 --> 00:10:42,408 BECAUSE GOD LOVES A GOOD LAUGH. WHY ELSE WOULD HE HAVE MADE 165 00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:46,545 THOSE MONKEYS WITH THE BRIGHT RED BUTTS? 166 00:10:46,612 --> 00:10:50,716 IT'S HILARIOUS, LET'S GIVE SOME OF THE MONDAY KIES BRIGHT RED 167 00:10:50,783 --> 00:10:53,753 BUTTS, GOD SAID. WHY ELSE. 168 00:10:53,819 --> 00:10:58,190 BEAUTIFUL. IN ORDER TO BECOME AN OFFICIAL 169 00:10:58,257 --> 00:10:59,859 CANDIDATE, LINDELL HAD TO GET AT LEAST A FEW MEMBERS OF THE 170 00:10:59,925 --> 00:11:01,961 R.N.C. TO SIGN OFF ON HIS BID. WHEN REPORTERS ASKED HIM WHICH 171 00:11:02,028 --> 00:11:05,197 MEMBERS, HE SAID: "I WOULDN'T TELL YOU THAT IN A MILLION 172 00:11:05,264 --> 00:11:07,900 YEARS. WHAT, SO YOU COULD GO ATTACK 173 00:11:07,967 --> 00:11:10,269 THEM? I'M NOT STUPID. YOU GUYS MUST REALLY THINK I'M 174 00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:18,411 DUMB." YES WE DO. 175 00:11:18,477 --> 00:11:20,379 WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 176 00:11:20,446 --> 00:11:24,784 MY GUESTS ARE BRETT GOLDSTEIN AND ACTRESS AMANDA WARREN. 177 00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:29,221 BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I ANSWER YOUR KID'S QUESTIONS. STICK 178 00:11:29,288 --> 00:11:31,424 AROUND. 179 00:12:06,225 --> 00:12:09,628 (APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: SIDE WINDA. 180 00:12:09,695 --> 00:12:13,466 GIVE IT UP, EVERYBODY, LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND. 181 00:12:13,532 --> 00:12:17,236 I LOVE IT WHEN YOU GUYS PLAY SIGNED WINDA, THAT IS GREAT. 182 00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:19,872 I WANT TO GO TO THAT PARTY. >> SIGN ME UP. 183 00:12:19,939 --> 00:12:26,612 SIGN ME UP. >> Stephen: YOU SOUND 184 00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:30,316 FANTASTIC. NOW, TONIGHT, TONIGHT MY 185 00:12:30,382 --> 00:12:33,552 FRIENDS, WE'VE GOT A COUPLE OF FANTASTIC GUESTS HERE TONIGHT. 186 00:12:33,619 --> 00:12:43,562 IF YOU ENJOY THAT TED LASSO SHOW, BRETT GOLDSTEIN IS ON 187 00:12:43,629 --> 00:12:47,299 HERE, HE HAS A NEW SHOW ON APPLE TV CALLED SHRINKING AND FROM THE 188 00:12:47,366 --> 00:12:50,369 NEW CBS HIT SHOW EAST NEW YORK, AMANDA WARREN IS GOING TO BE 189 00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:52,738 HERE TONIGHT. IN JUST A LITTLE WHILE. 190 00:12:52,805 --> 00:12:55,574 SITTING RIGHT OVER. THERE I UNDERSTAND YOU ALL HAVE 191 00:12:55,641 --> 00:12:58,911 SOME-- IS IT TRUE YOU ARE PLAYING WITH MY OLD FRIEND ELVIS 192 00:12:58,978 --> 00:13:00,913 COSTELLO. >> I'M PLAYING WITH HIM ON 193 00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:04,750 FEBRUARY 11th. >> Stephen: FEBRUARY 11. 194 00:13:04,817 --> 00:13:06,285 >> YES. >> Stephen: WOW. 195 00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:10,022 >> WE ARE DOING DUO TOO, SO I'M SO EXCITED. 196 00:13:10,089 --> 00:13:14,126 >> Stephen: WOW. COULD I GET TICKETS. 197 00:13:14,193 --> 00:13:16,328 >> OF COURSE. >> Stephen: BECAUSE I WOULD 198 00:13:16,395 --> 00:13:18,197 LOVE TO SEE HIM, THAT WOULD BE FANTASTIC. 199 00:13:18,264 --> 00:13:20,299 WHAT SONGS ARE YOU GUYS DOING IT? 200 00:13:20,366 --> 00:13:27,139 CAN YOU TELL US. >> WE'RE DOING-- ALLISON. 201 00:13:27,206 --> 00:13:30,643 ALL THE HITS. >> Stephen: WOW. 202 00:13:30,709 --> 00:13:36,148 GIVE HIM MY BEST. SAY HELLO TO DECLAN FOR ME. 203 00:13:36,215 --> 00:13:37,850 >> Stephen: CHILDREN: WE CAN LEARN SO MUCH FROM THEM. 204 00:13:37,917 --> 00:13:39,618 FOR INSTANCE, ONE THING I'VE LEARNED IS THAT THEY DON'T KNOW 205 00:13:39,685 --> 00:13:43,189 JACK. THAT'S WHY I DO A SEGMENT ON THE 206 00:13:43,255 --> 00:13:47,593 SHOW WHERE I ASK ACTUAL KIDS TO SEND ME ACTUAL QUESTIONS. 207 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:49,695 AND THEN I ANSWER THOSE QUESTIONS IN ORDER TO GIVE THEIR 208 00:13:49,762 --> 00:13:53,532 PARENTS A LITTLE BREAK FROM THE MEOW-MEOW. 209 00:13:53,599 --> 00:13:55,467 NOW, IF YOU'VE WATCHED MY "KID QUESTIONS" SEGMENT IN THE PAST, 210 00:13:55,534 --> 00:13:57,870 YOU KNOW WE'VE HAD SOME TROUBLE SETTLING ON A NAME. 211 00:13:57,937 --> 00:14:00,873 WE'VE TRIED THINGS LIKE "STEPHEN TAKES YOUR KIDS" AND "STEPHEN'S 212 00:14:00,940 --> 00:14:06,645 RE-EDUCATION CAMP," BUT THOSE HAD UNINTENDED CONNOTATIONS. 213 00:14:06,712 --> 00:14:08,347 THEN WE TRIED TO GO AS FAR AWAY FROM THAT AS POSSIBLE AND MY 214 00:14:08,414 --> 00:14:10,115 TEAM ENDED UP GOING WITH "STEPHEN DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOUR 215 00:14:10,182 --> 00:14:12,885 KIDS." ALSO, NOT GOOD. 216 00:14:12,952 --> 00:14:16,288 SO THIS TIME I WAS VERY CLEAR. I SAID I JUST WANT A TITLE THAT 217 00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:19,491 IS SHORT AND PUNCHY. SO I'M VERY PLEASED TO SAY IT'S 218 00:14:19,558 --> 00:14:25,264 NOW TIME FOR... STEPHEN COLBERT IS SHORT AND 219 00:14:25,331 --> 00:14:29,068 PUNCHY! >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT-- UM, 220 00:14:29,134 --> 00:14:35,241 WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER. HI, KIDS I'M STEF EARN. 221 00:14:35,307 --> 00:14:38,477 AND YES, I'M VERY KNOWLEDGEABLE. BUT YOU CAN BE TOO. 222 00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:41,347 ALL YOU NEED IS A TEAM OF RESEARCHERS PAID FOR BY THE 223 00:14:41,413 --> 00:14:44,516 BUDGET OF A TELEVISION NETWORK. AND RIGHT NOW MY MASSIVE BRAIN 224 00:14:44,583 --> 00:14:48,153 IS AT YOUR DISPOSAL. SO WHO HAS THE FIRST QUESTION 225 00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:51,490 FOR STEVE. >> HELLO, STEFER EN. 226 00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:54,893 WHY DO HATS GO ON YOUR HEAD? >> Stephen: WELL, BECAUSE WHEN 227 00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:58,030 YOU PUT THEM ON YOUR BUTT THEY'RE CALLED PANTS. 228 00:14:58,097 --> 00:15:02,901 NEXT QUESTION. >> WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE 229 00:15:02,968 --> 00:15:04,069 DINOSAUR. >> Stephen: GOOD QUESTION, 230 00:15:04,136 --> 00:15:06,472 ROMAN. MY FAVORITE DINOSAUR IS PATRICK. 231 00:15:06,538 --> 00:15:08,574 PATRICK DINOSAUR. GOOD GUY. 232 00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:11,543 WOULD YOU LIKE HIM. NEXT. 233 00:15:11,610 --> 00:15:16,282 >> HOW DO MOMMIES MAKE BABIES? >> Stephen: OKAY, I'M GOING TO 234 00:15:16,348 --> 00:15:19,485 TELL YOU THE TRUTH. THEY MAKE THEM IN THEIR BELLIES. 235 00:15:19,551 --> 00:15:23,422 I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY EVERYONE IS SO SQUEAMISH ABOUT THAT. 236 00:15:23,489 --> 00:15:25,357 IT IS RIGHT THERE OUT IN THE OPEN. 237 00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:28,394 YOU KNOW THAT REALLY ROUND BELLY MOMMIES HAVE RIGHT BEFORE THE 238 00:15:28,460 --> 00:15:30,262 BABY COMES. THE BABY IS IN THERE. 239 00:15:30,329 --> 00:15:35,734 THAT IS WHAT THE BUMP IS. AS FOR HOW THE BABY GETS IN 240 00:15:35,801 --> 00:15:39,938 THERE, NOBODY KNOWS. I THINK IT IS LIKE A SHIP IN A 241 00:15:40,005 --> 00:15:41,707 BOTTLE SITUATION. WHO'S NEXT? 242 00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:48,480 >> HEY STEPHEN, WHY DO KIDS GROW INTO GROWN UPS? 243 00:15:48,547 --> 00:15:52,017 >> Stephen: HERE'S THE THING, JACK. 244 00:15:52,084 --> 00:15:55,287 THEY ACTUALLY DON'T. YOU JUST FIND OTHER KIDS WHOSE 245 00:15:55,354 --> 00:15:57,623 SHOULDERS YOU STAND ON UNTIL YOU REACH THE HEIGHT OF A GROWN UP 246 00:15:57,690 --> 00:16:01,827 AND YOU COVER YOURSELF WITH ONE LONG SHIRT, RIGHT GUYS. 247 00:16:01,894 --> 00:16:03,629 >> HEY, LET US ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS. 248 00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:06,098 >> Stephen: THIS IS MY TURN, BRANDON, YOU GOT TO BE ON TOP 249 00:16:06,165 --> 00:16:08,967 WHEN WE SNUCK IN TO SEE TAR. >> OH MAN. 250 00:16:09,034 --> 00:16:11,303 >> Stephen: WHO IS UP? >> HI, STEPHEN. 251 00:16:11,370 --> 00:16:19,078 MY NAME IS JUSTICE. AND I WONDERING HOW I CAN BE A 252 00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:22,147 TV HOST JUST LIKE YOU. >> Stephen: WELL, JUSTICE, THE 253 00:16:22,214 --> 00:16:26,719 KEY TO BECOMING A TV HOST IS USUALLY RIGHT IN THE PERSON'S 254 00:16:26,785 --> 00:16:29,722 NAME. MY NAME IS STEPHEN T COLBERT AND 255 00:16:29,788 --> 00:16:33,826 THE T STANDS FOR THE LATE SHOW. SO SINCE YOUR NAME IS JUSTICE 256 00:16:33,892 --> 00:16:37,863 YOU SHOULD HOST A SHOLD CALLED JUSTICE'S COURT OF JUSTICE 257 00:16:37,930 --> 00:16:41,066 STARRING JUSTICE JUSTICE. NEXT QUESTION. 258 00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:42,601 >> STEPHEN, WHAT DID YOU LOOK LIKE WHEN YOU WERE A BABY. 259 00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:45,204 >> Stephen: GET QUESTION, OLLIE. 260 00:16:45,270 --> 00:16:47,072 I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT I LOOKED LIKE WHEN I WAS A BABY. 261 00:16:47,139 --> 00:16:50,943 BUT I KNOW I WAS SMALL, BALD AND ALWAYS HUNGRY SO I IMAGINE I 262 00:16:51,009 --> 00:16:54,646 LOOKED A LOT LIKE STANLEY TUCCI. YOU KNOW WHAT, WHY DON'T I USE 263 00:16:54,713 --> 00:16:59,485 MY HANDY DANDY TIME MACHINE AND GO BACK AND SEE WHAT I LOOK 264 00:16:59,551 --> 00:17:06,925 LIKE. WHAT COULD GO WRONG? 265 00:17:06,992 --> 00:17:10,195 BABY STEPHEN, IS THAT YOU? >> Stephen: NICE JOB, IDIOT. 266 00:17:10,262 --> 00:17:13,932 YOU JUST CREATE AID PARADOX THAT COULD RIP A HOLE IN SPACE TIME 267 00:17:13,999 --> 00:17:17,669 AS WE KNOW IT. >> OH MY GOD, I'M SO CUTE. 268 00:17:17,736 --> 00:17:19,505 SAY SPACE TIME AGAIN. >> GET OUT OF HERE. 269 00:17:19,571 --> 00:17:23,375 YOU'RE RUINING THE UNIVERSE, UNUM NUT. 270 00:17:23,442 --> 00:17:29,281 >> BYE BYE. >> Stephen: TURNS OUT I WAS 271 00:17:29,348 --> 00:17:33,752 REALLY SEXY. NEXT QUESTION. 272 00:17:33,819 --> 00:17:36,555 >> DO YOU BELIEVE IN REINCARNATION. 273 00:17:36,622 --> 00:17:39,992 >> Stephen: I DO NOT BUT I HOPE TO IN THE NEXT LIFE. 274 00:17:40,058 --> 00:17:44,096 I THINK WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE QUESTION. 275 00:17:44,163 --> 00:17:48,500 >> HOW DO YOU POOP IN SPACE? >> Stephen: THAT IS AN 276 00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:51,703 IMPORTANT QUESTION, CONNER. AND TO ANSWER IT, HERE'S SOMEONE 277 00:17:51,770 --> 00:17:54,206 WHO KNOWS A LOT ABOUT SPACE TRAVEL. 278 00:17:54,273 --> 00:17:57,643 >> HEY CONNER, TOM HANKS HERE, THAT IS A GREAT QUESTION. 279 00:17:57,709 --> 00:18:00,846 I HAPPEN TO KNOW FROM TALKING TO PEOPLE AT NASA THAT ON THE SPACE 280 00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:05,384 STATION EVERY CREW MEMBER IS TRAINED TO DRIFT OFF INTO THE 281 00:18:05,451 --> 00:18:08,954 BATHROOM AREA WHERE THERE IS A SPECIAL TOILET WITH TWO HANDLES 282 00:18:09,021 --> 00:18:12,357 ON IT YOU GRAB THE HANDLES AND PULL YOURSELF DOWN UNTIL YOUR 283 00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:16,862 CHEEKS FORM AN AIRTIGHT SEESM YOU DO YOUR BUSINESS, YOU PRESS 284 00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:21,467 A BUTTON AND A VACUUM SUCKS ALL OF WHAT YOU DID AND SENDS IT OUT 285 00:18:21,533 --> 00:18:25,237 INTO SPACE WHERE IT DRIFTS OFF INTO THE COSMOS AND MAKES LIFE 286 00:18:25,304 --> 00:18:29,074 ON OTHER PLANETS. >> Stephen: THANK YOU TOM 287 00:18:29,141 --> 00:18:31,610 HANKS. I FOR ONE LOOK IN ORDER TO 288 00:18:31,677 --> 00:18:34,379 MAKING CONTENT WITH AN ALIEN RACE THAT EVOLVES FROM YOUR 289 00:18:34,446 --> 00:18:37,082 POOP. WELL, KIDS, I HOPE THAT ANSWERED 290 00:18:37,149 --> 00:18:39,318 ALL OF YOUR QUESTIONS. AND PARENTS, IF YOUR KIDS HAVE 291 00:18:39,384 --> 00:18:43,088 QUESTIONS AT HOME, PLEASE POST A VIDEO TO SOCIAL MEDIA THE WITH 292 00:18:43,155 --> 00:18:46,692 THE HASHTAG COLBERT KID QUESTIONS OR SUBMIT A VIDEO TO 293 00:18:46,758 --> 00:18:50,262 THE LINK BELOW. WE JUST MIGHT FEATURE IT ON OUR 294 00:18:50,329 --> 00:18:53,765 NEXT INSTALLMENT OF. >> STEPHEN COLBERT IS SHORT AND 295 00:18:53,832 --> 00:18:56,001 PUNCHY ." >> THANK YOU, TOM. 296 00:18:56,068 --> 00:18:59,805 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BRETT GOL STEIN. 297 00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:27,165 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. WELCOME WELCOME BACK. 298 00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:31,303 (APPLAUSE) FOLKS, 299 00:19:31,370 --> 00:19:33,105 YOU KNOW MY FIRST GUEST AS A TWO-TIME EMMY WINNING STAR AND 300 00:19:33,171 --> 00:19:36,708 PRODUCER OF "TED LASSO." HE'S NOW ONE OF THE CREATORS AND 301 00:19:36,775 --> 00:19:45,384 WRITERS OF THE NEW SERIES, "SHRINKING." 302 00:19:45,450 --> 00:19:51,123 >> HELLO. >> REALLY WELL KEPT, TOPIARY. 303 00:19:51,189 --> 00:19:54,192 >> NO, SOME GUY DOES IT. >> HOW IS ALICE DOING. 304 00:19:54,259 --> 00:19:57,329 >> YOU OKAY, ALICE? SHE'S FINE. 305 00:19:57,396 --> 00:20:01,133 SHE'S FED. SHE DID HER HOMEWORK. 306 00:20:01,199 --> 00:20:03,368 JUST HAD SOCCER PRACTICE. >> SOCCER STARTED? 307 00:20:03,435 --> 00:20:08,240 >> YEAH, SOCCER STARTED. AND SHE'S KILLING IT. 308 00:20:08,307 --> 00:20:13,445 I'M SORRY, I HAVE TO ASK, IS THIS YOU FOREVER? 309 00:20:13,512 --> 00:20:18,016 >> I DON'T KNOW. >> ALL RIGHT. 310 00:20:18,083 --> 00:20:24,890 YOU HAVEN'T EATEN, LET ME MAKE YOU A PLATE. 311 00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:29,995 >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BRETT GOLDSTEIN. 312 00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:44,943 (APPLAUSE) 313 00:20:45,010 --> 00:20:53,919 (APPLAUSE) 314 00:20:53,986 --> 00:20:57,923 >> NICE TO SEE YOU, THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME. 315 00:20:57,990 --> 00:21:00,492 >> Stephen: NICE TO HAVE YOU. WE GOT A CHANCE TO TALK A LITTLE 316 00:21:00,559 --> 00:21:02,494 AT THE EMMY THIS PAST YEAR. >> YEAH. 317 00:21:02,561 --> 00:21:06,264 WHAT A SENTENCE. >> Stephen: WHAT IS QURNTION. 318 00:21:06,331 --> 00:21:08,700 >> WE JUST HAD A A CASUAL CHAT. >> Stephen: YEAH. 319 00:21:08,767 --> 00:21:12,137 AND YOU HAD WON. >> ANOTHER INSANE SEN TENSZ, 320 00:21:12,204 --> 00:21:13,338 YEAH. >> Stephen: PEOPLE ARE VERY 321 00:21:13,405 --> 00:21:17,242 EXCITED TO HAVE YOU HERE, EVERYBODY IN THE DECIDED SAID 322 00:21:17,309 --> 00:21:19,745 YOU FROM TED LASSO AND YOUR CHARACTER ROY KENT. 323 00:21:19,811 --> 00:21:22,280 BUT THERE IS ANOTHER EXCITING CHARACTER YOU WILL PLAY SOON WE 324 00:21:22,347 --> 00:21:25,684 JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE NOT 325 00:21:25,751 --> 00:21:30,889 SEEN THE AFTER CREDIT SCENE IN THOR LOVE AND THUNDER, YOU ARE 326 00:21:30,956 --> 00:21:40,432 REVEALED TO BE PLAYING HERCULESS IN THE MARVEL MOVIES. 327 00:21:40,499 --> 00:21:42,634 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: UH-HUH. 328 00:21:42,701 --> 00:21:46,571 AND HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT? >> YOU SEEM ANNOYED. 329 00:21:46,638 --> 00:21:49,574 >> Stephen: WELL, I AM. BECAUSE LOOK AT YOU. 330 00:21:49,641 --> 00:21:54,312 YOU ARE A [BLEEP] COME HE DE WRITER YVMENT DO YOU LOOK LIKE 331 00:21:54,379 --> 00:21:56,515 THAT, ARE YOU A COMEDY WRITER, ARE YOU NOT SUPPOSED TO LOOK 332 00:21:56,581 --> 00:21:59,885 LIKE, THAT I WORK OUT FOUR DAYS A WEEK, I THINK THERE MIGHT BE 333 00:21:59,951 --> 00:22:02,821 HELIUM IN MY BAR BELLS, SO THIS PROVES THAT IT IS POSSIBLE. 334 00:22:02,888 --> 00:22:04,623 DID THIS TAKE A LOT OF WORK FOR YOU TO DO. 335 00:22:04,690 --> 00:22:06,458 >> THE BALANCE IS I'M ALSO HAIRY. 336 00:22:06,525 --> 00:22:08,827 SO YOU KNOW -- >> Stephen: A LOT OF THAT IS 337 00:22:08,894 --> 00:22:10,862 HAIR. >> I HAVE BEEN IN L.A. AND I'M 338 00:22:10,929 --> 00:22:14,599 THE FIRST PERSON THEY'VE SEEN IN 30 YEARS WITH BODY HAIR. 339 00:22:14,666 --> 00:22:17,703 AND I WAS STAYING IN THIS HOTEL AND I WENT OUT TO THE SWIMMING 340 00:22:17,769 --> 00:22:19,404 POOL AND SOMEONE CALLED PEST CONTROL. 341 00:22:19,471 --> 00:22:21,873 LIKE IT'S DIFFERENT. >> Stephen: HOW MUCH PRESSURE 342 00:22:21,940 --> 00:22:24,543 WAS THERE FOR YOU TO KEEP THIS SECRET? 343 00:22:24,609 --> 00:22:27,779 >> LOOK, I MEAN I'M SCARED TO EVEN TELL YOU THAT. 344 00:22:27,846 --> 00:22:34,352 LIKE WHEN I GOT THE JOB, WHEN YOU WERE ARRIVE ON SET, YOU GET 345 00:22:34,419 --> 00:22:40,092 TAKEN ASIDE BY SECURITY AND THEY INJECT YOU WITH A MICROCHIP. 346 00:22:40,158 --> 00:22:42,627 IT WAS LIKE IF YOU TELL ANYONE THAT DID YOU THIS, WE'RE GOING 347 00:22:42,694 --> 00:22:45,497 TO KILL YOU. AND YOUR BRAIN WILL EXEMPLOYED. 348 00:22:45,564 --> 00:22:48,400 SO I COULDN'T TELL ANYONE. I COULDN'T TELL MAY FAMILY. 349 00:22:48,467 --> 00:22:50,602 COULDN'T TELL ANYONE. AND SO WHEN THE FILM CAME OUT F 350 00:22:50,669 --> 00:22:52,971 YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE FILM, I DON'T KNOW IF I AM ALLOWED TO 351 00:22:53,038 --> 00:22:55,474 TELL YOU THIS. AT THE VERY END OF THE FILM I 352 00:22:55,540 --> 00:22:58,143 APPEAR. >> Stephen: IN THE CREDITS. 353 00:22:58,210 --> 00:23:02,914 >> POST CREDITS. SO I TEXT MY MOM AND DAD AND I 354 00:23:02,981 --> 00:23:05,851 GO THEY DON'T REALLY GO AND SEE THOSE FILMS. 355 00:23:05,917 --> 00:23:09,387 SO I GO THERE IS THIS FILM OUT, CALLED THOR LOVE AND THUNDER. 356 00:23:09,454 --> 00:23:15,160 I THINK YOU'D LIKE IT AND THEY ARE LIKE I'M NOT SURE WE WOULD. 357 00:23:15,227 --> 00:23:17,729 AND MI LIKE I SAW IT. I SAW T IT'S VERY FUNNY. 358 00:23:17,796 --> 00:23:20,632 I THINK IT IS ACTUALLY MORE YOUR SPEED THAN YOU THINK. 359 00:23:20,699 --> 00:23:25,337 SO THEY GO AND SEE IT AND MY MOM IS TEXTING ME ALL THE WAY 360 00:23:25,403 --> 00:23:26,571 THROUGH THE FILM. >> Stephen: DURING THE FILM. 361 00:23:26,638 --> 00:23:32,778 >> DURING ITS FILM, TEXTING ME. I'M CURIOUS ABOUT, OH, THIS IS 362 00:23:32,844 --> 00:23:36,648 QUITE FUNNY, YEAH, PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY, WATCH THE FILM. 363 00:23:36,715 --> 00:23:38,283 KEEP TEXTING, THIS IS HAPPENING, THIS IS HAPPENING. 364 00:23:38,350 --> 00:23:41,453 TWO HOURS LATER, SHE GOES OH, RUSSELL CROWE IS BACK ON. 365 00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:44,856 I'M IN THIS FILM FOR LIKE FOUR SECONDS. 366 00:23:44,923 --> 00:23:48,226 I'M LIKE SHE'S GOING TO WALK OUT AND NOT EVEN KNOW I WAS IN IT 367 00:23:48,293 --> 00:23:52,631 AND I TYPE BACK LOOK AT THE [BLEEP] SCREEN. 368 00:23:52,697 --> 00:24:00,238 AND THEN FINALLY SHE TEXTS WHAT? (APPLAUSE). 369 00:24:00,305 --> 00:24:02,040 >> Stephen: MOMSES. >> YEAH. 370 00:24:02,107 --> 00:24:03,708 >> Stephen: THAT'S WONDERFUL. >> YEAH, I KNOW. 371 00:24:03,775 --> 00:24:08,847 >> Stephen: THE NEW SERIES SHRINKING ON APPLE TV PLUS, 372 00:24:08,914 --> 00:24:13,285 CREATED BY YOU, JASON SEGEL AND BILL LAWRENCE WHO IS ALSO ONE OF 373 00:24:13,351 --> 00:24:16,988 THE CREATORS OF TED LASSO. >> YEAH. 374 00:24:17,055 --> 00:24:18,957 >> Stephen: YOU WERE A WRITER ON TED LASSO. 375 00:24:19,024 --> 00:24:22,527 WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT TO TAKE FROM THAT SHOW TO HAVE IN THIS 376 00:24:22,594 --> 00:24:24,229 SHOW. IS THERE ANY SORT OF CONNECTIVE 377 00:24:24,296 --> 00:24:28,667 TISSUE OR DNA BETWEEN THESE TWO? >> DEFINITELY SOMETHING I 378 00:24:28,733 --> 00:24:33,438 LEARNED ON TED LASSO FROM JASSEN, THAT I THINK IS ALWAYS 379 00:24:33,505 --> 00:24:36,474 INSTINCTIVE BUT THE POINT OF GOING YES, THAT IS IT. 380 00:24:36,541 --> 00:24:39,911 AND I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS THE REAL WORDS. 381 00:24:39,978 --> 00:24:41,980 INTENTIONALITY, MIGHT NOT BE A REAL WORD, IS IT. 382 00:24:42,047 --> 00:24:45,917 >> Stephen: A REAL FAKE ACT ARE WORD. 383 00:24:45,984 --> 00:24:50,188 >> OKAY, SO WE USE IT A LOT. BUT I THINK LIKE WHEN YOU GOT 384 00:24:50,255 --> 00:24:54,125 ENOUGH MONEY WITH PEOPLE AROUND YOU T IS EASY TO BE FUNNY IT IS 385 00:24:54,192 --> 00:24:57,262 EASY TO-- BUT YOU HAVE TO, EVERY DECISION YOU MAKE HAS TO HAVE 386 00:24:57,329 --> 00:24:58,296 INTENTION. LIKE WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS. 387 00:24:58,363 --> 00:25:01,199 WHAT IS THE MESSAGE. WHAT IS THE POINTS OF THIS. 388 00:25:01,266 --> 00:25:02,968 >> Stephen: ALL PULLING ON THE SAME ROW. 389 00:25:03,034 --> 00:25:04,069 >> YES. BECAUSE OTHERWISE IT COULD BE A 390 00:25:04,135 --> 00:25:08,573 LOAD OF BITS, AND THEY COULD BE FUNNY BITS BUT IT IS 391 00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:11,910 MEANINGLESS. (LAUGHTER). 392 00:25:11,977 --> 00:25:14,079 >> Stephen: THAT WOULD BE TERNL IF YOU HAD A SERIES OF 393 00:25:14,145 --> 00:25:16,915 FUNNY BITS EVERY NIGHT OF THE WEEK FOR YEARS. 394 00:25:16,982 --> 00:25:21,119 THAT WOULD BE-- THAT SOUNDS LIKE HELL. 395 00:25:21,186 --> 00:25:24,956 >> WELL-- (APPLAUSE) 396 00:25:25,023 --> 00:25:27,359 >> IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING THAT WOULDN'T REALLY TAKE OFF, BUT 397 00:25:27,425 --> 00:25:29,961 ANYWAY GOOD LUCK. >> Stephen: SO I TALKED TO 398 00:25:30,028 --> 00:25:33,899 JASON SEGEL ABOUT THIS SHOW LAST NIGHT SPECIFICALLY ABOUT ACTING 399 00:25:33,965 --> 00:25:35,200 OPPOSITE HARRISON FORD. >> YES. 400 00:25:35,267 --> 00:25:37,636 >> Stephen: DID YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO DO, AS THE EXECUTIVE 401 00:25:37,702 --> 00:25:40,872 PRODUCER OF THIS ING THIS, DID YOU REAL HIM IN? 402 00:25:40,939 --> 00:25:45,577 >> I DID. A HARD MAN TO GET AHOLD OF. 403 00:25:45,644 --> 00:25:48,813 >> HERE IS WHAT HAPPENED. WE WERE LIKE LET'S OFFER IT IT 404 00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:52,550 TO HARRISON FORD AND THEN LAUGH AT THE ABOUT THE FACT WE OFFERED 405 00:25:52,617 --> 00:25:54,953 IT TO HARRISON FORD. >> Stephen: THAT IS WHAT JASON 406 00:25:55,020 --> 00:25:56,888 SAID. >> THERE IS NO WAY BECAUSE HE 407 00:25:56,955 --> 00:25:59,557 DOESN'T DO TV AND HE IS HARRISON FORD. 408 00:25:59,624 --> 00:26:02,394 BUT WE SENT THE SCRIPT TO HIS AGENT AND ABOUT A FEW DAYS LATER 409 00:26:02,460 --> 00:26:05,997 THE AGENT CALLS BILL AND SAYS OH, THIS IS REALLY GOOD. 410 00:26:06,064 --> 00:26:09,301 HARRISON IS IN LONDON. AND MAYBE HE WOULD WANT TO TALK 411 00:26:09,367 --> 00:26:12,304 ABOUT IT. BILL SAID BRETT IS IN LONDON. 412 00:26:12,370 --> 00:26:17,142 AND I GET A CALL. I DON'T RECOGNIZE IMMEDIATELY 413 00:26:17,208 --> 00:26:18,443 REJECT. AND THEN I LISTEN THE VOICE MAIL 414 00:26:18,510 --> 00:26:22,414 WHICH I STILL HAVE, HE GOES HEY, IT'S HARRISON FORD. 415 00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:25,750 AND I GO WHAT THE [BLEEP], AND IF I THINK ABOUT THIS FOR LONGER 416 00:26:25,817 --> 00:26:28,420 THAN TEN SECONDS I WILL FREAK OUT AND NEVER CALL BACK. 417 00:26:28,486 --> 00:26:31,356 SO I IMMEDIATELY CALLED IT, HEY, HARRISON. 418 00:26:31,423 --> 00:26:32,891 >> HEY. >> IT'S BRETT. 419 00:26:32,958 --> 00:26:35,427 HOW ARE YOU. >> AND HE GOES I'M AT WORK. 420 00:26:35,493 --> 00:26:40,498 >> HE WAS WORK ON AN UNDERGROUND PICK HE IS MAKING CALLED INDIANA 421 00:26:40,565 --> 00:26:42,901 JOINS FIVE. AND HE SAYS DO YOU WANT TO HAVE 422 00:26:42,968 --> 00:26:45,804 DINNER ON SATURDAY AND TALK ABOUT IT AND DO I STANDUP. 423 00:26:45,870 --> 00:26:48,406 AND I WAS LIKE SORRY, HARRISON I'VE GOT A GIG. 424 00:26:48,473 --> 00:26:51,643 I CAN'T. AND I CALLED BILL AND I GO WELL, 425 00:26:51,710 --> 00:26:54,479 HARRISON WANTED TO HAVE DINNER BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE I HAVE A 426 00:26:54,546 --> 00:26:56,681 GIG. AND BILL IS LIKE [BLEEP] THE 427 00:26:56,748 --> 00:26:58,883 GIG. IT IS HARRISON FORD. 428 00:26:58,950 --> 00:27:02,087 NO ONE HAS EVER SAID NO TO HARRISON FORD. 429 00:27:02,153 --> 00:27:06,791 AND I WAS LIKE BUT 40 PEOPLE BOUGHT TICKETS, I CAN'T LET THEM 430 00:27:06,858 --> 00:27:08,994 DOWN. AND I WAS, MAYBE IT WOULD 431 00:27:09,060 --> 00:27:10,595 IMPRESS HIM. WE'RE HARD TO GET. 432 00:27:10,662 --> 00:27:13,898 AND THEN I TEXT HARRISON, I GO I KNOW YOU ARE WORKING BUT PLAIB I 433 00:27:13,965 --> 00:27:17,569 CAN MEET YOU FRIDAY NIGHTMENT AND HE GOES COME OVER TO MY 434 00:27:17,635 --> 00:27:19,838 PLACE, 7:00. SO I AM IN THE CAR, ALL THE 435 00:27:19,904 --> 00:27:24,109 PEOPLE IN AMERICA, THERE IS SO MUCH PRESSURE ON ME, YOU HAVE TO 436 00:27:24,175 --> 00:27:29,948 CLOSE THIS [BLEEP] THERE. >> I'M GETTING A TINGLE SO I 437 00:27:30,015 --> 00:27:34,319 TURN UP AT THE APARTMENT, RING THE DOOR BELL, HANS SOLO ANSWERS 438 00:27:34,386 --> 00:27:36,888 THE DOOR. YOU'RE JUST LIKE HELLO, MATE. 439 00:27:36,955 --> 00:27:41,359 AND I GO IN THE HOUSE. AND HE GOES, BEST SCRIPT I HAVE 440 00:27:41,426 --> 00:27:45,697 EVER READ. AND I GO, SHRINKING? 441 00:27:45,764 --> 00:27:48,833 >> HE BECAUSE I'M THINKING I HAVE SEEN RAIDERS OF THE LOST 442 00:27:48,900 --> 00:27:50,969 ARC AND THAT IS A VERY GOOD SCRIPT, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING 443 00:27:51,036 --> 00:27:53,071 ABOUT. AND I SEE ON THE TABLE HE HAS 444 00:27:53,138 --> 00:27:55,173 LOADS OF SCRIPTS AND I THINK HE THINKS I'M SWINLS. 445 00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:56,941 HE IS THINKING OF THE WRONG THING. 446 00:27:57,008 --> 00:28:01,112 AND I SEE THE SHRINKING SCRIPT AND I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO GO 447 00:28:01,179 --> 00:28:03,148 SHRINKING? HE GOES BEST DIALOGUE I HAVE 448 00:28:03,214 --> 00:28:05,150 EVER READ. AND GI OH, OKAY. 449 00:28:05,216 --> 00:28:08,019 DO YOU WANT TO BE IN IT. >> AND HE GOES YEAH. 450 00:28:08,086 --> 00:28:11,389 AND I GO, OKAY THEN. AND HE GOES IS OUR BUSINESS 451 00:28:11,456 --> 00:28:13,992 DONE. >> AND I GO LOOKS LIKE IT. 452 00:28:14,059 --> 00:28:17,695 >> AND HE GOES LET'S EAT. (APPLAUSE). 453 00:28:17,762 --> 00:28:19,330 >> Stephen: THAT'S A GOOD STORY. 454 00:28:19,397 --> 00:28:22,934 THAT IS THE STORY YOU WANT WITH HARRISON FORD THAVMENTD IS 455 00:28:23,001 --> 00:28:24,169 FANTASTIC. WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK 456 00:28:24,235 --> 00:28:28,039 BUT WHEN I COME BACK I WILL ASK BRETT ABOUT SEASON 3 OF TED 457 00:28:28,106 --> 00:28:30,175 LASSO. DON'T GO NOWHERE. 458 00:28:30,241 --> 00:28:31,242 (APPLAUSE) 459 00:28:37,115 --> 00:28:39,584 >> Stephen: RIGHT HERE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE'RE BACK WITH 460 00:28:39,651 --> 00:28:42,320 ONE THE CREATORS OF SHRINKING, BRETT GOLDSTEIN. 461 00:28:42,387 --> 00:28:47,992 NOW LAST WEEK WE FINALLY GOT AN AIR DATE FOR TED LASSO FOR 462 00:28:48,059 --> 00:28:51,796 SEASON 3. >> YEAH. 463 00:28:51,863 --> 00:28:56,468 (APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: THIS IS IT. 464 00:28:56,534 --> 00:29:02,340 IT, THEY SAID SPRING OF 2023. >> YES. 465 00:29:02,407 --> 00:29:04,242 >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT A DATE. >> IT'S SPRING. 466 00:29:04,309 --> 00:29:06,678 >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT A DATE. IF YOU CALL SOMEONE AND SAY DO 467 00:29:06,744 --> 00:29:08,279 YOU WANT TO GO ON A DATE AND THEY SAY WHEN, AND YOU GO 468 00:29:08,346 --> 00:29:10,315 SPRING. >> THAT MEANS THEY ARE JUST NOT 469 00:29:10,381 --> 00:29:14,119 READY, SO BE OUT IN SPRING. >> Stephen: SOMETIME IN 470 00:29:14,185 --> 00:29:17,355 SPRING. NOW JASON SEDEKIS SAID THREE 471 00:29:17,422 --> 00:29:20,959 SEASONS, THAT'S IT, DONE IN THREE SEASONS, IS THAT TRUE OR 472 00:29:21,025 --> 00:29:24,429 WILL IT BE HARRY POTTERS, SEVEN MOVIES FOR THE 7th ONE. 473 00:29:24,496 --> 00:29:30,368 >> ALL I AM A YOU LAKED TO TELL YOU IS THAT WHEN YOU GET CAST IN 474 00:29:30,435 --> 00:29:32,504 AN APPLE SHOW YOU GET TAKEN IN BY SECURITY AND THEY INJECT A 475 00:29:32,570 --> 00:29:38,610 CHIP INTO YOUR BRAIN. >> Stephen: THERE IS NO RF, 476 00:29:38,676 --> 00:29:44,315 INTERFENCER. WHAT ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER, DO 477 00:29:44,382 --> 00:29:47,185 YOU KNOW THE ARC, HOW SATISFIED ARE YOU WITH THE DIRECTION OF 478 00:29:47,252 --> 00:29:50,188 YOUR CHARACTER. LET'S SIGH IT IS THE END. 479 00:29:50,255 --> 00:29:52,991 >> I CAN SAY THIS. I I WOULD HAPPILY PLAY ROY KENT 480 00:29:53,057 --> 00:29:59,797 FOREVER. AND I WOULD BE VERY SAD-- TO SAY 481 00:29:59,864 --> 00:30:01,332 GOOD-BYE. >> Stephen: HOW DO YOU FEEL, 482 00:30:01,399 --> 00:30:04,369 AS A WRITER HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT SOMEBODY ELSE WRITE FOR 483 00:30:04,435 --> 00:30:08,706 YOUR CHARACTER BECAUSE I'M SURE YOU HAVE THE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD. 484 00:30:08,773 --> 00:30:11,109 >> I AM SURE THE OTHER WRITERS WOULD DISAGREE WITH ME BUT WHEN 485 00:30:11,176 --> 00:30:13,611 WE'RE IN THE WRITERS ROOM I TRY TO BE COMPLETELY OBJECTIVE. 486 00:30:13,678 --> 00:30:16,848 I LOVE ALL THE CHARACTERS EQUALLY, A LITTLE BIT MORE ROY. 487 00:30:16,915 --> 00:30:21,452 I LOVE THEM ALL EQUALLY. SO I RARELY PITCH ON ROY 488 00:30:21,519 --> 00:30:22,654 STORIES. I SORT OF SIT BACK BECAUSE I 489 00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:25,523 DON'T WANT IT TO BE LIKE BRETT IS ALWAYS PITCHING ON ROY. 490 00:30:25,590 --> 00:30:30,395 BUT I WAS TOLD BY ONE OF OUR WRITERS THAT WHENEVER THEY PITCH 491 00:30:30,461 --> 00:30:32,530 SOMETHING STORE ROY THEY LOOK AT ME AND THEY CAN TELL BY MY 492 00:30:32,597 --> 00:30:36,568 EYEBROWS IF I LIKE IT OR NOT. AND I TRY-- . 493 00:30:36,634 --> 00:30:40,305 >> Stephen: YOU DO HAVE LOUD EYEBROWS. 494 00:30:40,371 --> 00:30:42,006 >> I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING, AND THEY ARE LIKE WE KNOW. 495 00:30:42,073 --> 00:30:47,478 WE [BLEEP] KNOW. I THINK IT IS JUST THE ANGLE OF 496 00:30:47,545 --> 00:30:51,849 MY HEAD. IF I'M LIKE THAT, THEN THEY GO 497 00:30:51,916 --> 00:30:53,518 OH, HE LIKES IT. IF I AM LIKE THAT, THEY ARE 498 00:30:53,585 --> 00:30:54,586 LIKE-- . >> Stephen: YOU HAVE ACHIEVED 499 00:30:54,652 --> 00:30:58,056 SO MUCH IN YOUR CAREER. >> SO HAVE YOU, MAN. 500 00:30:58,122 --> 00:30:58,856 >> Stephen: WHAT? >> SO HAVE YOU. 501 00:30:58,923 --> 00:30:59,757 >> Stephen: OH, THANKS VERY MUCH. 502 00:30:59,824 --> 00:31:02,260 >> YEAH. (APPLAUSE). 503 00:31:02,327 --> 00:31:07,999 >> Stephen: SUDDENLY HAVE I GREAT AFFECTION FOR YOU RIGHT 504 00:31:08,066 --> 00:31:13,438 NOW. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY YOU HAVE 505 00:31:13,504 --> 00:31:16,708 ACHIEVED YOUR FONDEST WISH. YOU WORKED WITH THE MUPPETS. 506 00:31:16,774 --> 00:31:22,146 AFTER SHOOTING "SESAME STREET," MISS PIGGY, KERMIT AND GONCZO, 507 00:31:22,213 --> 00:31:24,949 WHICH MUPPET DO YOU THINK BEST DESCRIBES YOU. 508 00:31:25,016 --> 00:31:29,120 AND THEN I WILL REVEAL TO YOU WHICH MUPPET, THIS AFTERNOON 509 00:31:29,187 --> 00:31:33,524 WITH MY PRODUCER, YOU TOOK THE BUZZFEED WHICH MUPPET ARE YOU 510 00:31:33,591 --> 00:31:34,959 TEST. AND HAVE I THE ANSWER RIGHT 511 00:31:35,026 --> 00:31:36,828 HERE. >> I HAVE NEVER TAKEN A TEST 512 00:31:36,894 --> 00:31:40,598 MORE SERIOUSLY. >> Stephen: YOU ACTUALLY WENT 513 00:31:40,665 --> 00:31:41,966 BACK AND CHANGED SOME OF THE ANSWERS. 514 00:31:42,033 --> 00:31:44,836 >> I WAS SO STRESESSED ABOUT IT YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T WANT TO GET 515 00:31:44,902 --> 00:31:46,471 IT WRONG. >> Stephen: RIGHT. 516 00:31:46,537 --> 00:31:51,109 WHO DO YOU HOPE YOU ARE? >> THERE IS NO BAD MUPPET, LET'S 517 00:31:51,175 --> 00:31:54,112 BE HONEST. I MEAN THERE IS A PART OF YOU 518 00:31:54,178 --> 00:31:58,149 THAT GOES I HOPE I'M NOT FOZY. BUT IF I AM,. 519 00:31:58,216 --> 00:32:01,185 >> Stephen: I WOULD BE FOZY BEAR, THAT WOULD BE GREAT, JUST 520 00:32:01,252 --> 00:32:05,423 FOR THE HALIBUT. >> YES. 521 00:32:05,490 --> 00:32:06,624 YOU DID IT. >> Stephen: YOU ARE, THIS IS 522 00:32:06,691 --> 00:32:12,630 OFFICIAL, THIS IS THE BUZZFEED QUIZ, THIS IS LEGALLY BINDING. 523 00:32:12,697 --> 00:32:18,870 YOU ARE GONCZO. (APPLAUSE) 524 00:32:18,936 --> 00:32:19,871 CONGRATULATIONS. >> THANK YOU. 525 00:32:19,937 --> 00:32:22,740 >> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS, THAT IS A A A LOT. 526 00:32:22,807 --> 00:32:26,144 >> THIS IS HUGE FOR ME. >> Stephen: WILL, SHRINKING 527 00:32:26,210 --> 00:32:28,179 PREMIER THIS FRIDAY ON APPLE TV PLUS. 528 00:32:28,246 --> 00:32:31,549 IT'S BRETT GOLDSTEIN, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE BACK WITH THE STAR OF 529 00:32:31,616 --> 00:32:33,618 EAST NEW YORK, AMANDA WARREN. 7 530 00:32:48,866 --> 00:32:51,602 WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. FOR EXAMPLE, 531 00:32:51,669 --> 00:32:53,604 MY NEXT GUEST IS AN ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM "THE LEFTOVERS," 532 00:32:53,671 --> 00:32:59,777 "DICKINSON," AND "GOSSIP GIRL." SHE NOW STARS IN "EAST NEW 533 00:32:59,844 --> 00:33:02,680 YORK." I HAVE A SITUATION THAT I MAY 534 00:33:02,747 --> 00:33:06,584 NEED INTERNAL AFFAIRS TO INVESTIGATE. 535 00:33:06,651 --> 00:33:09,053 >> WHAT KIND OF SITUATION? >> ONE OF MY COPS ARRESTED A 536 00:33:09,120 --> 00:33:13,891 FEMALE FOR SHOPLIFTING AND IT SEEMS LIKE HE MAY HAVE USED AN 537 00:33:13,958 --> 00:33:18,496 EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF FORCE. >> GOING TO IAB CAN HAVE MAJOR 538 00:33:18,563 --> 00:33:20,598 IMPLICATIONS FOR HIS CAREER. BUT YOU KNOW THAT. 539 00:33:20,665 --> 00:33:24,001 >> WELL, HE IS BEATING UP ON COLLARS FOR NO REASON, HE 540 00:33:24,068 --> 00:33:26,070 DOESN'T DESERVE TO HAVE A CAREER. 541 00:33:26,137 --> 00:33:28,373 >> YOU ARE RIGHT. >> YOU KNOW HOW MANY EXCESSIVE 542 00:33:28,439 --> 00:33:34,479 FORCE COMPLAINTS MY PREDECESSOR SENT UP TO IAB TWO, IN SIX YEARS 543 00:33:34,545 --> 00:33:38,383 SO THAT SAYS TO ME THINGS ARE BEING SWEPT UNDER THE RUG WHICH 544 00:33:38,449 --> 00:33:41,085 SAYS THE MESSAGE THAT THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR IS ACCEPTABLE. 545 00:33:41,152 --> 00:33:46,424 >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME AMANDA WARREN. 546 00:33:46,491 --> 00:34:01,372 (APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: HELLO. 547 00:34:01,439 --> 00:34:02,340 (APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: HELLO. 548 00:34:02,407 --> 00:34:03,141 >> HI, HELLO. >> Stephen: NICE TO YOU HAVE 549 00:34:03,207 --> 00:34:05,276 ON. NOW I UNDERSTAND THAT UNLIKE A 550 00:34:05,343 --> 00:34:09,814 LOT OF PEOPLE WHO WORK IN THE BUSINESS HERE ARE YOU BORN AND 551 00:34:09,881 --> 00:34:12,116 RAISED NEW YORKER. >> BORN AND RAISED IN NEW YORK, 552 00:34:12,183 --> 00:34:17,588 WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL. >> Stephen: WHICH ONE. 553 00:34:17,655 --> 00:34:22,660 >>-- WENT TO ELEMENTARY AND JUNIOR HIGH AND GRAMMARSY, PKS 554 00:34:22,727 --> 00:34:25,830 ON 48th AND 8th JUST DOWN THE WAY. 555 00:34:25,897 --> 00:34:30,635 AND THEN NYU TISH AND THEN YALE AND THEN NOW ED SULLIVAN 556 00:34:30,701 --> 00:34:33,070 THEATER. >> Stephen: LIKE YOU DO. 557 00:34:33,137 --> 00:34:35,173 >> JUST ANOTHER DAY, STEPHEN. >> Stephen: WELCOME. 558 00:34:35,239 --> 00:34:37,475 >> THANK YOU SO MUCH, THANK YOU. >> Stephen: ED SULLIVAN 559 00:34:37,542 --> 00:34:38,943 THEATER. WHAT DO YOU, BECAUSE I LOVE 560 00:34:39,010 --> 00:34:42,747 PEOPLE WHO GROW UP IN BIG CITIES AND TO THEM IT FEELS LIKE A 561 00:34:42,814 --> 00:34:44,549 HOMETOWN. WHAT MAKES A REAL NEW YORKER, A 562 00:34:44,615 --> 00:34:46,584 REAL NEW YORKER. WHAT MAKES SOMEONE A NEW YORKER. 563 00:34:46,651 --> 00:34:51,189 >> TEN CONSECUTIVE YEARS. CAN'T LEAVE, CAN'T GO. 564 00:34:51,255 --> 00:34:53,524 WELL, YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE IT YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE IT. 565 00:34:53,591 --> 00:34:59,764 THERE ARE THOSE PEEPS, THOSE VALUES, THEY CAN BE QUITE DARK 566 00:34:59,831 --> 00:35:01,365 DEPENDING ON THE CHOICES YOU MAKE. 567 00:35:01,432 --> 00:35:03,468 YOU GOT TO STAY, GOT TO STICK AROUND, YOU KNOW. 568 00:35:03,534 --> 00:35:06,971 AND YEAH, IF YOU CAN GET THROUGH THAT, AND EVERYTHING, ALL THE 569 00:35:07,038 --> 00:35:10,141 TRAFFIC AND THE RAIN AND THE WEATHER, AND THE PEOPLE. 570 00:35:10,208 --> 00:35:13,845 >> Stephen: A LOT OF TV SHOWS ARE SHOT IN NEW YORK. 571 00:35:13,911 --> 00:35:14,979 >> YES. >> Stephen: IS THERE ONE THAT 572 00:35:15,046 --> 00:35:17,348 TO YOU CHAP TURES IT? >> WELL, I THINK THERE IS ALWAYS 573 00:35:17,415 --> 00:35:20,885 SEX & THE CITY, RIGHT? >> Stephen: THAT CAPTURES REAL 574 00:35:20,952 --> 00:35:23,754 NEW YORK. >> YEAH, AND THEN ALSO, WELL, 575 00:35:23,821 --> 00:35:27,425 WHAT IT DOES IS IT CAPTURES AN ESCAPE WITHIN THE NEW YORK THAT 576 00:35:27,492 --> 00:35:29,527 I KNOW. THE THINGS THAT I DON'T HAVE 577 00:35:29,594 --> 00:35:34,198 ACCESS TO, THE POWER, THE MONEY, THE CORRUPTION, YOU KNOW. 578 00:35:34,265 --> 00:35:38,202 THINGS LIKE THAT. LIKE GOSSIP GIRL. 579 00:35:38,269 --> 00:35:41,205 >> Stephen: IT IS NEW YORK PORN T IS NOT ALL ACTUALLY A 580 00:35:41,272 --> 00:35:43,140 LIFE YOU LIVE. >> NO IT IS THE ESCAPE IT IS 581 00:35:43,207 --> 00:35:47,078 WHAT IF I HAD ALL OF THAT MONEY. LIKE I'M ON THIS SHOW CALLED 582 00:35:47,144 --> 00:35:51,015 GOSSIP GIRL. YEAH, YES, TWICE. 583 00:35:51,082 --> 00:35:53,484 >> Stephen: TWICE, HAVE I THIS YEAR, THIS SU, WHAT ARE YOU 584 00:35:53,551 --> 00:35:57,255 PLAYING THIS PART. >> I AM PLAYING IN THE ORIGINAL 585 00:35:57,321 --> 00:36:03,194 THE THERAPIST WHO BLAKE LIVELY'S CHARACTER SERENA, THAT WAS SOME 586 00:36:03,261 --> 00:36:04,629 DAY PLAYING WORK. >> Stephen: ALWAYS GOOD TO 587 00:36:04,695 --> 00:36:07,865 HAVE. >> AND HERE WE GO. 588 00:36:07,932 --> 00:36:11,402 2.0, THE UPGRADE, LOOK AT THAT. >> Stephen: THAT'S NICE. 589 00:36:11,469 --> 00:36:13,938 BETTER WARDROBE. >> ERIC DAMON DRESSES US. 590 00:36:14,005 --> 00:36:18,175 HE DRESSES THE ORIGINAL AND HE SAID RICH PEOPLE DON'T WEAR 591 00:36:18,242 --> 00:36:20,711 COATS. I NEVER PUT MY ARMS IN ANY 592 00:36:20,778 --> 00:36:23,381 SLEEVES PLAYING KAMIL. THEY DON'T WEAR COATS, THEY ARE 593 00:36:23,447 --> 00:36:26,884 TRYING TO GET TO PROM IN A CAR. IT IS NICE, IT'S LOVELY. 594 00:36:26,951 --> 00:36:29,820 IT IS A LOVELY-- A LOVELY EXPERIENCE. 595 00:36:29,887 --> 00:36:33,624 >> Stephen: I HAVE BEEN PUTTING ARMS IN COATS ALL THE 596 00:36:33,691 --> 00:36:37,328 TIME. YOU PLAY A POLICE INSPECTOR. 597 00:36:37,395 --> 00:36:38,462 >> YES. >> Stephen: AND DID YOU DO A 598 00:36:38,529 --> 00:36:41,465 RIDE ALONG OR ANYTHING? HOW DID YOU GET YOURSELF INTO 599 00:36:41,532 --> 00:36:44,802 CHARACTER. >> I ENGAGED TO A SWAT OFFICER 600 00:36:44,869 --> 00:36:48,372 SO THAT HELPS. >> Stephen: IS THAT WHO THIS 601 00:36:48,439 --> 00:36:49,173 PERSON IS. >> OH, DO YOU HAVE THAT. 602 00:36:49,240 --> 00:36:51,242 >> Stephen: IS THAT. >> YES. 603 00:36:51,309 --> 00:36:53,210 >> Stephen: THIS IS YOUR FIANCE. 604 00:36:53,277 --> 00:36:54,845 >> YES. >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. 605 00:36:54,912 --> 00:36:56,147 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: THAT'S A GOOD 606 00:36:56,213 --> 00:36:57,548 LOOKING GUY. >> YEAH. 607 00:36:57,615 --> 00:37:00,284 >> Stephen: THAT SAY REALLY GOOD LOOKING GUY YOU HAVE THERE. 608 00:37:00,351 --> 00:37:01,786 >> YEAH, HE'S CUTE. >> Stephen: SO HOW DID HE 609 00:37:01,852 --> 00:37:07,758 TRAIN YOU? >> OH, STEPHEN. 610 00:37:07,825 --> 00:37:09,193 NO, NO, NO. >> Stephen: HOW DID HE GET YOU 611 00:37:09,260 --> 00:37:13,764 IN THE MINDSET TO PLAY THIS INSPECTOR. 612 00:37:13,831 --> 00:37:17,501 >> OH, OH, THAT, OKAY. NO, WE JUST, WE JUST, HE JUST 613 00:37:17,568 --> 00:37:21,439 WENT TO BASICS, HE IS ALSO A CONSULTANT SO HE WENT INTO 614 00:37:21,505 --> 00:37:22,940 BASICS. THERE WAS A LOT OF RUNNING 615 00:37:23,007 --> 00:37:26,110 AROUND IN THE GARAGE. I THINK FOR HIS OWN ENJOYMENT 616 00:37:26,177 --> 00:37:28,879 THERE WERE 20 PUSH-UPS AM BETWEEN OR SOMETHING THAT I HAD 617 00:37:28,946 --> 00:37:33,851 TO DO. SO YOU KNOW, STWHR WAS SOME SORT 618 00:37:33,918 --> 00:37:36,554 OF DISCIPLINE, DUCKING BEHIND, TAKING COVER BEHIND CARS, GOING 619 00:37:36,621 --> 00:37:40,224 UP OUR STAIR, AND ALL OF THAT, TO CLEAR, FOR THE FIRST FIVE 620 00:37:40,291 --> 00:37:42,860 MINUTES THAT YOU SEE OF THE PILOT, THAT WAS OUR WORK 621 00:37:42,927 --> 00:37:44,095 TOGETHER. >> Stephen: AND HOW DID HE SAY 622 00:37:44,161 --> 00:37:48,366 YOU DID? ARE YOU BELIEVABLE IN HIS EYES. 623 00:37:48,432 --> 00:37:53,404 >> WELL, YEAH, I AM, I'M RETURNING-- LEARNING. 624 00:37:53,471 --> 00:37:56,607 BUT ALSO I'M AN ACTOR SO THERE ARE CUTS THERE IS AN EDITOR WHO 625 00:37:56,674 --> 00:37:59,944 IS BRILLIANT, BUT FOR THE MOST PART BECAUSE I DO ENJOY GOING TO 626 00:38:00,011 --> 00:38:04,482 THE RANGES, I THINK IT WAS FINE. HE WAS LIKE GOOD JOB, GOOD JOB, 627 00:38:04,548 --> 00:38:06,917 YOU KNOW. >> Stephen: RIGHT, YOU HAVE TO 628 00:38:06,984 --> 00:38:09,520 SAY THAT OR ELSE HE'S IN BIG TROUBLE. 629 00:38:09,587 --> 00:38:12,790 >> YEAH, I MEAN I HANG OUT WITH A LOT OF COPS AND STUFF SO I 630 00:38:12,857 --> 00:38:19,397 MEAN I THINK I'M THE ONE WHO IS IN TROUBLE IF SHE CAN'T HOLD A 631 00:38:19,463 --> 00:38:21,565 GUN, CRAP. DON'T WANT HER PULLING A 632 00:38:21,632 --> 00:38:23,734 TRIGGER. >> Stephen: YOU ARE-- ONE OF 633 00:38:23,801 --> 00:38:27,471 THE LEAST LIKELY POLICEMAN I HAVE EVER SEEN T IS OUR FRIEND 634 00:38:27,538 --> 00:38:30,341 RICHARD KIND IS OUR RIGHT-HAND MAN. 635 00:38:30,408 --> 00:38:32,610 >> BE NICE, BE NICE STEPHEN. >> Stephen: YOU CAN'T DO 636 00:38:32,677 --> 00:38:35,046 ANYTHING BUT BE NICE TO RICHARD. IS HE SUCH A LOVELY MAN. 637 00:38:35,112 --> 00:38:38,015 >> HE SAYS HELLO. >> Stephen: PLEASE SAY HELLO 638 00:38:38,082 --> 00:38:40,284 BACK TO HIM. WHAT IS IT LIKE, WAS IT FUN TO 639 00:38:40,351 --> 00:38:42,653 WORK WITH HIM. >> IT WAS GREAT WORKING WITH 640 00:38:42,720 --> 00:38:45,322 HIM. HE HASN'T GONE ANYWHERE. 641 00:38:45,389 --> 00:38:48,959 >> Stephen: SORRY. >> IT'S OKAY. 642 00:38:49,026 --> 00:38:52,463 >> THERE ARE NO SPOILERS LIKE HE'S DEAD, OR SOMETHING, NO, 643 00:38:52,530 --> 00:38:55,099 HE'S GREAT. HE IS FANTASTIC. 644 00:38:55,166 --> 00:38:59,770 ONE REALLY KIND PERSON. >> Stephen: ENORMOUS MOUTH. 645 00:38:59,837 --> 00:39:02,006 >> HE TELLS STORIES. >> Stephen: THE BIGGEST MOUTH 646 00:39:02,073 --> 00:39:03,307 YOU HAVE EVER SEEN. >> HE TELL AS MAZING. 647 00:39:03,374 --> 00:39:06,444 >> Stephen: HE CAN UNHINGEE HIS JAW. 648 00:39:06,510 --> 00:39:08,913 >> YOU SIT DOWN AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT YOUR ENTIRE LUNCH IS 649 00:39:08,979 --> 00:39:11,716 GONE BUT IT HAS BEEN AN EXPERIENCE AND AN EDUCATION. 650 00:39:11,782 --> 00:39:14,985 HE HAS SO MUCH EXPERIENCE AND RANGE AND I'M JUST REALLY 651 00:39:15,052 --> 00:39:16,587 EXCITED FOR PEOPLE TO SEE HIM IN THIS LIGHT. 652 00:39:16,654 --> 00:39:20,291 >> Stephen: HAD YOU EVER SPENT ANY TIME IN EAST NEW YORK BEFORE 653 00:39:20,357 --> 00:39:21,859 YOU DID THE SHOW. >> I MIGHT HAVE GONE TO ONE OR 654 00:39:21,926 --> 00:39:23,961 TWO HOUSE PARTIES. >> Stephen: YEAH? 655 00:39:24,028 --> 00:39:28,499 >> YEAH W A HOUSE DJ. I'M FROM NEW YORK, SO YOU KNOW, 656 00:39:28,566 --> 00:39:32,670 LIKE THE REGGAE AND ALL THAT STUFF, DOWN IN THE BASEMENT THAT 657 00:39:32,737 --> 00:39:34,138 YOU SHOULDN'T BE IN. >> Stephen: TELL ME ABOUT THIS 658 00:39:34,205 --> 00:39:36,107 BASEMENT. >> NO, I THINK WE'RE OUT OF 659 00:39:36,173 --> 00:39:37,875 TIME. AREN'T WE OUT OF TIME? 660 00:39:37,942 --> 00:39:41,645 >> Stephen: I GOT PLENTY OF TIME. 661 00:39:41,712 --> 00:39:43,180 WELL, THIS WAS YOUR LATE NIGHT DEBUT. 662 00:39:43,247 --> 00:39:46,250 >> YES, SIR. >> Stephen: DID YOU HAVE A 663 00:39:46,317 --> 00:39:48,953 GOOD ENOUGH. >> ARE YOU ONE CLASSY FELLOW. 664 00:39:49,019 --> 00:39:51,722 >> Stephen: THANK YOU, EAST NEW YORK AIRS SUNDAYS AT 9 P.M. 665 00:39:51,789 --> 00:39:54,725 ON CBS. AND IS 666 00:39:54,792 --> 00:39:56,861 AND IS AVAILABLE TO STREAM ON PARAMOUNT PLUS. 667 00:39:56,927 --> 00:40:02,233 AMANDA WARREN, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 668 00:40:17,414 --> 00:40:18,749 >> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW 669 00:40:18,816 --> 00:40:20,217 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE TOM HANKS AND CNN'S 670 00:40:20,284 --> 00:40:22,820 AUDIE CORNISH. STICK AROUND FOR JAMES CORDEN. 671 00:40:22,887 --> 00:40:25,890 GOOD NIGHT!