1
00:00:01,835 --> 00:00:03,269
>> ACCORDING TO REPORTS, NORTH
2
00:00:03,336 --> 00:00:07,340
KOREAN LEADER KIM JONG-UN, WHO
TURNS 40 NEXT YEAR, IS
3
00:00:07,407 --> 00:00:09,175
STRUGGLING WITH A MIDLIFE CRISIS
AND IS SAID TO BE DRINKING AND
4
00:00:09,242 --> 00:00:24,124
CRYING ALL DAY.
5
00:00:24,190 --> 00:01:08,268
CRYING ALL DAY.
6
00:01:08,334 --> 00:01:11,771
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE
SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
7
00:01:11,838 --> 00:01:17,510
TONIGHT: O.M.G.D.P!
8
00:01:17,577 --> 00:01:23,283
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES:
AUDIE CORNISH
9
00:01:23,349 --> 00:01:27,587
AND MUSICAL GUEST, ELLE KING
WITH A SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY
10
00:01:27,654 --> 00:01:32,192
TOM HANK.
IT
11
00:01:32,258 --> 00:01:33,726
FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE
12
00:01:33,793 --> 00:01:38,164
LATE SHOW BAND.
13
00:01:38,231 --> 00:01:42,368
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
14
00:01:42,435 --> 00:01:53,680
IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
15
00:01:53,746 --> 00:01:55,815
♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
16
00:01:55,882 --> 00:01:58,451
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
LOVELY.
17
00:01:58,518 --> 00:02:03,556
LOVELY.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
18
00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:08,027
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
19
00:02:08,094 --> 00:02:12,131
>> Audience: STEPHEN!
STEPHEN!
20
00:02:12,198 --> 00:02:13,399
STEPHEN!
>> Stephen: SHs HH!
21
00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:20,673
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
OOOOOs!
22
00:02:20,740 --> 00:02:30,683
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: KEEP LOOSE, GOTTA
23
00:02:30,750 --> 00:02:34,888
KEEP LOOSE.
WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO
24
00:02:34,954 --> 00:02:35,855
"THE LATE SHOW."
THE.
25
00:02:35,922 --> 00:02:39,826
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
NOW I KNOW--
26
00:02:39,893 --> 00:02:42,795
( APPLAUSE )
I KNOW YOU ALL WATCH THIS SHOW
27
00:02:42,862 --> 00:02:45,265
FOR ONE REASON AND ONE REASON
ONLY: BECAUSE I'M AN EXPERT ON
28
00:02:45,331 --> 00:02:49,369
INTERNATIONAL FINANCE,
MACROECONOMICS, AND MONEY STUFF
29
00:02:49,435 --> 00:02:53,840
( LAUGHTER )
I'M KNOW ALL ABOUT THE DOWS,
30
00:02:53,907 --> 00:02:56,676
JONESES, AND ALL THE COINS--
BIT, COMMEMORATIVE, CHOCOLATE.
31
00:02:56,743 --> 00:03:02,248
AND AS A MARKET WATCHER, I'VE
BEEN A BIT WORRIED, BECAUSE A
32
00:03:02,315 --> 00:03:04,350
LOT OF FOLKS OUT THERE HAVE BEEN
FORECASTING A RECESSION.
33
00:03:04,417 --> 00:03:10,924
WELL, TODAY WE GOT SOME POSITIVE
NEWS: IN THE LAST QUARTER OF
34
00:03:10,990 --> 00:03:14,093
2022, THE G.D.P. INCREASED 2.9%
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
35
00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:19,966
UNEXPECTED.
NOBODY SAW THAT COMING.
36
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:23,169
WE'RE ALL 2.9% RICHER!
I'M GONNA BLOW IT ON 2.9 EGGS!
37
00:03:23,236 --> 00:03:28,641
( LAUGHTER )
THIS MEANS, THAT DESPITE ALL THE
38
00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:29,709
WORRY, ECONOMIC GROWTH REMAINS
SOLID.
39
00:03:29,776 --> 00:03:32,946
A HUGE WIN FOR JOE BIDEN.
BECAUSE AT HIS AGE, IT'S A
40
00:03:33,012 --> 00:03:35,548
WELCOME SIGN WHEN SOMETHING
REMAINS SOLID.
41
00:03:35,615 --> 00:03:49,395
( LAUGHTER )
HE'S GOT BONES LIKE A SPARROW.
42
00:03:49,462 --> 00:03:50,697
( LAUGHTER )
THIS GROWTH IS ALL THANKS TO
43
00:03:50,763 --> 00:03:52,899
YOU, THE AMERICAN SHOPPER,
BECAUSE IT WAS FUELED BY
44
00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:54,867
CONSUMER SPENDING.
GOOD JOB YOU!
45
00:03:54,934 --> 00:03:56,536
BUYING STUFF IS WHAT AMERICA WAS
BUILT ON.
46
00:03:56,603 --> 00:04:01,207
THE ONLY REASON WASHINGTON
CROSSED THE DELAWARE WAS TO GET
47
00:04:01,274 --> 00:04:06,212
TO YE OLDE NORDSTROM RACK.
OVER IN TRENTON.
48
00:04:06,279 --> 00:04:09,849
THAT'S A FACT.
YOU CAN LOOK THAT UP!
49
00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:11,618
IN LESS PLEASANT NEWS,
YESTERDAY, FACEBOOK'S PARENT
50
00:04:11,684 --> 00:04:14,320
COMPANY, META, SAID IT WILL
RESTORE THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S
51
00:04:14,387 --> 00:04:18,257
FACEBOOK AND INSTAGRAM ACCOUNTS.
( BOOS )
52
00:04:18,324 --> 00:04:21,361
WELL, YEAH, THAT'S A PUNISHMENT
FOR ALL OF US!
53
00:04:21,427 --> 00:04:26,499
IN 2021 THE EX-PRESIDENT GOT
KICKED OFF THE PROGRAM FOR A
54
00:04:26,566 --> 00:04:29,435
FACEBOOK HAVEALATION KNOWN AS
TRYING TO OVERTHROW THE
55
00:04:29,502 --> 00:04:31,537
GOVERNMENT.
HE WAS BANNED FOR TWO YEARS, AND
56
00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:35,975
THE TWO YEARS ARE UP, AND META
SAYS HE CAN COME BACK BECAUSE
57
00:04:36,042 --> 00:04:39,879
OUR DETERMINATION IS THE RISK TO
PUBLIC SAFETY HAS SUFFICIENTLY
58
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:45,084
RECEDED.
THE RISK HAS RECEDED BECAUSE
59
00:04:45,151 --> 00:04:48,154
HE'S BEEN GONE.
"YOU KNOW, BETWEEN KNIFE
60
00:04:48,221 --> 00:04:50,523
THRUSTS, JACK THE RIPPER IS A
PRETTY CHILL DUDE!"
61
00:04:50,590 --> 00:05:00,600
GIVE HIM THE KNIFE BACK.
( APPLAUSE )
62
00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:02,735
SO THEY'RE SAYING THE FORMER
PRESIDENT NO LONGER POSES A
63
00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:05,238
RISK, BUT THE MAN IS STILL ON
SOCIAL MEDIA SPREADING THE SAME
64
00:05:05,304 --> 00:05:09,042
LIES THAT GOT PEOPLE KILLED.
TWO DAYS AGO, ON TRUTH SOCIAL,
65
00:05:09,108 --> 00:05:11,644
HE WROTE: "RIGGED & STOLEN
ELECTION.
66
00:05:11,711 --> 00:05:16,449
I WON GEORGIA BY A LOT."
AND META IS LETTING HIM BACK?
67
00:05:16,516 --> 00:05:18,651
I'M GLAD THEY DON'T RUN
PROBATION HEARINGS.
68
00:05:18,718 --> 00:05:23,623
"SO, INMATE 7-2-1-4, YOU SAY
AFTER TEN YEARS OF
69
00:05:23,690 --> 00:05:25,324
INCARCERATION, YOU WOULD DO IT
AGAIN IN A HEARTBEAT?
70
00:05:25,391 --> 00:05:27,193
YOU'RE FREE TO GO.
HERE'S THE HOME ADDRESS OF
71
00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:30,963
EVERYONE WHO'S EVER WRONGED YOU,
AND YOUR CHAINSAW.
72
00:05:31,030 --> 00:05:33,599
WE KEPT IT OILED.
HAVE FUN!"
73
00:05:33,666 --> 00:05:36,436
BUT-- HAVE FUN.
THERE'S THE DOOR!
74
00:05:36,502 --> 00:05:39,572
GO ON.
KEEP THE CHOKE OPEN WHEN
75
00:05:39,639 --> 00:05:44,510
YOU'RE--
BUT META INSISTED THAT THIS TIME
76
00:05:44,577 --> 00:05:47,647
WILL BE DIFFERENT BECAUSE THEY
ARE PUTTING "NEW GUARDRAILS IN
77
00:05:47,714 --> 00:05:51,317
PLACE TO DETER REPEAT OFFENSES."
THAT'S NOT GONNA WORK.
78
00:05:51,384 --> 00:05:53,553
HAVE THEY FORGOTTEN WHAT THE
FORMER PRESIDENT'S SUPPORTERS DO
79
00:05:53,619 --> 00:05:58,357
WITH GUARDRAILS?
SO WHAT ARE THESE NEW RULES?
80
00:05:58,424 --> 00:06:00,927
FOR STARTERS, THE EX-PRESIDENT
WILL BE REQUIRED TO FOLLOW
81
00:06:00,993 --> 00:06:05,031
META'S UPDATED COMMUNITY
GUIDELINES, WHICH PROHIBIT
82
00:06:05,098 --> 00:06:08,901
VIOLENCE AND INCITEMENT, FRAUD
AND DECEPTION, AND HATE SPEECH.
83
00:06:08,968 --> 00:06:11,137
SO, ALL OF THE FORMER
PRESIDENT'S LOVE LANGUAGES.
84
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:16,709
( LAUGHTER )
PLUS, PLUS FACEBOOK SAYS THEY'LL
85
00:06:16,776 --> 00:06:19,245
BE HOLDING HIM TO A STRICTER
STANDARD THAN YOUR AVERAGE JOE
86
00:06:19,312 --> 00:06:21,280
METAVERSE: WHEREAS MOST USERS
GET AS MANY AS FIVE STRIKES, A
87
00:06:21,347 --> 00:06:24,917
PENALTY FOR HIM WOULD BE
TRIGGERED WITH JUST ONE.
88
00:06:24,984 --> 00:06:28,254
EVEN STRICTER, BEFORE THE
EX-PRESIDENT CAN POST ANYTHING,
89
00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:31,924
HE HAS TO CLICK ALL THE BOXES
THAT CONTAIN ERIC.
90
00:06:31,991 --> 00:06:34,227
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
91
00:06:34,293 --> 00:06:41,334
CAN'T DO IT.
CAN'T DO IT.
92
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:44,837
SO HE HAS TO FOLLOW THE RULES,
AND THERE'S NO WAY HE CAN USE
93
00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:46,005
META TO SOW MISINFORMATION,
RIGHT?
94
00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:49,742
WRONG.
BECAUSE META SAYS THAT SINCE
95
00:06:49,809 --> 00:06:53,079
HE'S ALREADY DECLARED HIS
CANDIDACY FOR PRESIDENT IN 2024,
96
00:06:53,146 --> 00:06:58,317
HE WON'T BE SUBJECT TO FACT
CHECKING.
97
00:06:58,384 --> 00:06:59,585
METEA!
WHAT ARE YOU,ING?
98
00:06:59,652 --> 00:07:02,688
YOU CAN'T ALLOW HIM TO POST
CONSPIRACY THEORIES ON FACEBOOK!
99
00:07:02,755 --> 00:07:05,892
THAT'S YOUR MOM'S FRIEND'S JOB.
"FOR THE LAST TIME, KATHY,
100
00:07:05,958 --> 00:07:10,229
TEENAGERS ARE NOT IDENTIFYING AS
GERBILS AND DEMANDING
101
00:07:10,296 --> 00:07:12,999
TAXPAYER-FUNDED WOODCHIPS!"
( LAUGHTER )
102
00:07:13,065 --> 00:07:16,569
THIS IS JUST META GIVING IN TO
THE EX-PRESIDENT'S PRESSURE
103
00:07:16,636 --> 00:07:19,539
CAMPAIGN.
WITH THE TWO-YEAR BAN SET TO
104
00:07:19,605 --> 00:07:22,642
EXPIRE, HIS TEAM RECENTLY ASKED
META TO REINSTATE HIM ON
105
00:07:22,708 --> 00:07:27,380
FACEBOOK, AND WHEN THEY DID, HE
RESPONDED ON TRUTH SOCIAL,
106
00:07:27,446 --> 00:07:29,849
SAYING, "FACEBOOK, WHICH HAS
LOST BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN
107
00:07:29,916 --> 00:07:31,918
VALUE SINCE "DEPLATFORMING" YOUR
FAVORITE PRESIDENT, ME, HAS JUST
108
00:07:31,984 --> 00:07:34,887
ANNOUNCED THAT THEY ARE
REINSTATING MY ACCOUNT."
109
00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:38,825
HE BEGGED THEM TO BRING HIM
BACK, AND NOW HE'S DRAGGING THEM
110
00:07:38,891 --> 00:07:43,763
TO HELL.
HE'S LIKE AN EX-BOYFRIEND
111
00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:44,864
SAYING, "I'M NOTHING WITHOUT
YOU, BABY!
112
00:07:44,931 --> 00:07:46,933
PLEASE TAKE ME BACK.
YOU WILL?
113
00:07:46,999 --> 00:07:50,169
LOOK AT THIS PATHETIC LOSER
BRINGING BACK HER FAVORITE
114
00:07:50,236 --> 00:07:54,974
BOYFRIEND, ME.
YOU CAN LOSE A FEW POUNDS."
115
00:07:55,041 --> 00:08:01,247
HIPPIE.
A BIGGER SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM
116
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:05,551
IS EXACTLY WHAT THE EX-PRESIDENT
IS HOPING FOR, CONSIDERING HE
117
00:08:05,618 --> 00:08:07,854
REPORTEDLY DOESN'T WANT TO RENEW
THE EXCLUSIVITY AGREEMENT HE HAS
118
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:10,156
WITH TRUTH SOCIAL, WHICH COULD
BE WHY HE JUST POSTED, "THANK
119
00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:15,561
YOU TO TRUTH SOCIAL FOR DOING
SUCH AN INCREDIBLE JOB.
120
00:08:15,628 --> 00:08:18,998
YOUR GROWTH IS OUTSTANDING, AND
FUTURE UNLIMITED!"
121
00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:23,135
HE IS SO OUTTA THERE.
( LAUGHTER )
122
00:08:23,202 --> 00:08:25,705
THAT'S AS OMINOUS AS GETTING
THIS CARD FROM YOUR DAD:
123
00:08:25,771 --> 00:08:27,506
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CARSON.
YOU AND YOUR MOM ARE GOING TO
124
00:08:27,573 --> 00:08:29,408
ACHIEVE SUCH GREAT THINGS.
JUST STEPPING OUT FOR A PACK OF
125
00:08:29,475 --> 00:08:30,877
SMOKES.
DON'T WAIT UP.
126
00:08:30,943 --> 00:08:33,479
YOUR FUTURE IS UNLIMITED!"
( LAUGHTER )
127
00:08:33,546 --> 00:08:40,419
( APPLAUSE )
ARE THERE--
128
00:08:40,486 --> 00:08:48,861
ANY GEORGE SANTOS FANS HERE?
( BOOS )
129
00:08:48,928 --> 00:08:54,967
THAT WAS A ROLLER COASTER OF
EMOTION.
130
00:08:55,034 --> 00:08:56,502
( LAUGHTER )
ONE OF THE MANY UNANSWERED
131
00:08:56,569 --> 00:08:59,939
QUESTIONS ABOUT GEORGE SANTOS IS
HOW HE, WHO HAD NO MONEY, WAS
132
00:09:00,006 --> 00:09:02,341
ABLE TO LOAN OVER $700,000 TO
HIS OWN CAMPAIGN.
133
00:09:02,408 --> 00:09:06,479
IN HIS PREVIOUS ELECTION
FILINGS, SANTOS HAD TICKED THE
134
00:09:06,545 --> 00:09:08,948
BOX INDICATING THAT THIS
MONEY WAS FROM "PERSONAL FUNDS
135
00:09:09,015 --> 00:09:10,650
OF THE CANDIDATE."
BUT ON TUESDAY, HIS CAMPAIGN
136
00:09:10,716 --> 00:09:15,021
UPDATED THE FILING, AND
THAT BOX IS NOW UNCHECKED.
137
00:09:15,087 --> 00:09:18,658
SO NOW WE HAVE NO IDEA WHERE HE
GOT THE CASH FROM.
138
00:09:18,724 --> 00:09:20,860
WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
139
00:09:20,927 --> 00:09:25,865
DAMN YOU, SANTOS!!
( LAUGHTER )
140
00:09:25,932 --> 00:09:32,571
( APPLAUSE )
THIS LITTLE DISCREPANCY IS A BIG
141
00:09:32,638 --> 00:09:34,907
OLD DEAL BECAUSE SAYING THIS WAS
NEITHER HIS MONEY NOR A PERSONAL
142
00:09:34,974 --> 00:09:38,878
LOAN OR LINE OF CREDIT WOULD
ALMOST CERTAINLY MEAN THE
143
00:09:38,945 --> 00:09:42,081
CONTRIBUTION IS ILLEGAL.
IT ALSO DOESN'T HELP THAT HE
144
00:09:42,148 --> 00:09:43,916
ALSO CHECKED THE BOX, "I HEART
CRIME!"
145
00:09:43,983 --> 00:09:48,254
YESTERDAY, SANTOS WAS CONFRONTED
BY REPORTERS ABOUT THE CHANGES
146
00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:52,291
AND HE SAID THIS:
>> LET'S MAKE IT VERY CLEAR.
147
00:09:52,358 --> 00:09:55,194
I DON'T AMEND ANYTHING.
I DON'T TOUCH ANY OF MY F.E.C.
148
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:56,829
STUFF, RIGHT?
SO DON'T BE DISINGENUOUS AND
149
00:09:56,896 --> 00:09:58,464
REPORT THAT I DID, BECAUSE YOU
KNOW THAT EVERY CAMPAIGN HIRES
150
00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:00,333
FIDUCIARIES.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
151
00:10:00,399 --> 00:10:04,837
HE'S NOT A FIDUCIARY.
HE'S JUST A FI-DOUCHE.
152
00:10:04,904 --> 00:10:15,915
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
153
00:10:15,982 --> 00:10:17,650
SO, FAIR ENOUGH.
HE DIDN'T FILL OUT HIS OWN
154
00:10:17,717 --> 00:10:19,785
FORMS.
BUT IT TURNS OUT, YESTERDAY HE
155
00:10:19,852 --> 00:10:23,055
CHANGED HIS ACTUAL FIDUCIARY,
SAYING HE HIRED A TREASURER
156
00:10:23,122 --> 00:10:24,924
NAMED THOMAS DATWYLER.
BUT WHEN REPORTERS CHECKED WITH
157
00:10:24,991 --> 00:10:27,059
DATWYLER, DATWYLER SAID THAT
THE FORMS LISTING HIM AS
158
00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:28,661
SANTOS'S NEW TREASURER WERE
SIGNED UNDER HIS NAME WITHOUT
159
00:10:28,728 --> 00:10:35,134
HIS CONSENT.
SO WHAT'S GOING ON?
160
00:10:35,201 --> 00:10:37,503
EITHER DATWYLER DID SIGN THE
PAPERS AND HE DOESN'T REMEMBER,
161
00:10:37,570 --> 00:10:39,071
OR A MAN WHO IS WANTED FOR
FORGING CHECKS FORGED A
162
00:10:39,138 --> 00:10:43,209
DOCUMENT.
HMMM, I'LL TAKE DOOR NUMBER 2?
163
00:10:43,275 --> 00:10:49,515
( RINGING BELL )
OH, JOHNNY, TELL ME WHAT I'VE
164
00:10:49,582 --> 00:10:53,052
WON.
>> TWO MORE WEEKS OF GEORGE
165
00:10:53,119 --> 00:10:57,790
SANTOS JOKES!
AND THIS BEAUTIFUL DINNETTE SET
166
00:10:57,857 --> 00:11:01,494
FROM BROYHILL!
BROYHILL-- ALL THE FURNITURE WE
167
00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:03,996
MAKE IS GIVEN AWAY ON GAME
SHOWS.
168
00:11:04,063 --> 00:11:08,067
BACK TO YOU, STEVE.
>> Stephen: THANKS, JONNY.
169
00:11:08,134 --> 00:11:09,935
SANTOS IS ALREADY IN TROUBLE
WITH THE F.E.C.
170
00:11:10,002 --> 00:11:11,871
CAMPAIGNS ARE LEGALLY REQUIRED
TO KEEP RECEIPTS FOR ANYTHING
171
00:11:11,937 --> 00:11:17,643
$200 OR ABOVE, AND HIS CAMPAIGN
REPEATEDLY REPORTED EXPENSES OF
172
00:11:17,710 --> 00:11:21,213
EXACTLY $199.99.
NOTHING SUSPICIOUS THERE.
173
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:26,352
MAYBE HE JUST SHOPS AT THE
199 DOLLARS AND 99 CENT STORE.
174
00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:28,854
GREAT BARGAINS.
( APPLAUSE )
175
00:11:28,921 --> 00:11:34,827
TUBE OF CREST.
SHAMPOO.
176
00:11:34,894 --> 00:11:39,865
MOIST NOTABLY OF THE 40-- YES,
40-- TIMES
177
00:11:39,932 --> 00:11:42,101
SANTOS'S CAMPAIGN REPORTED
SPENDING $199.99, EIGHT OF THEM
178
00:11:42,168 --> 00:11:47,640
WERE AT AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT
IN QUEENS.
179
00:11:47,706 --> 00:11:49,842
MAYBE HE JUST ORDERED THE SAME
DISH EVERY TIME:
180
00:11:49,909 --> 00:11:52,578
FETTUCCINE AL FRAUDO.
( LAUGHTER )
181
00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:54,246
( APPLAUSE )
YOU LIKED THAT?
182
00:11:54,313 --> 00:11:57,049
WHO LIKED THAT GLOO YOU LIKED
THAT.
183
00:11:57,116 --> 00:12:00,519
>> Stephen: I LIKE YOU, TOO.
WHILE RUNNING FOR OFFICE, SANTOS
184
00:12:00,586 --> 00:12:06,058
WAS ALSO WORKING FOR AN ALLEGED
PONZI SCHEME, AND HE WOULD WINE
185
00:12:06,125 --> 00:12:08,461
AND DINE POTENTIAL INVESTORS AT
THAT SAME ITALIAN RESTAURANT IN
186
00:12:08,527 --> 00:12:11,530
QUEENS.
ONE VICTIM DESCRIBED HER
187
00:12:11,597 --> 00:12:14,800
EXPERIENCE: "I FELT LIKE WE WERE
IN 'GOODFELLAS.'"
188
00:12:14,867 --> 00:12:16,669
IN FACT, I'M BEING TOLD-- IS
THIS TRUE-- WE ACTUALLY HAVE
189
00:12:16,735 --> 00:12:19,438
FOOTAGE OF SANTOS ENTERING THE
RESTAURANT.
190
00:12:19,505 --> 00:12:24,276
>> GEORGE.
>> ANTHONY DEVOLDER.
191
00:12:24,343 --> 00:12:32,118
>> ZABROVSKY!
>> KITARA RIVACHE!
192
00:12:32,184 --> 00:12:39,892
>> HEY, IT'S HANNAH MONTANA!
193
00:12:39,959 --> 00:12:42,294
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
194
00:12:42,361 --> 00:12:43,629
MY GUESTS ARE TOM HANKS AND
CNN'S AUDIE CORNISH.
195
00:12:43,696 --> 00:12:47,700
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE!"
196
00:12:47,766 --> 00:12:48,968
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪
197
00:12:49,034 --> 00:12:51,370
( APPLAUSE )
198
00:13:31,210 --> 00:13:44,356
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND!
199
00:13:44,423 --> 00:13:46,158
>> Louis: SYNERGY.
>> Stephen: HEY!
200
00:13:46,225 --> 00:13:48,460
>> Louis: SYNERGY.
>> Stephen: AREN'T THEY THE
201
00:13:48,527 --> 00:13:51,130
GREATEST?
I LIKE ALL THE BLACK LEATHER
202
00:13:51,197 --> 00:13:52,398
TONIGHT.
>> Louis: IT'S COOL, RIGHT.
203
00:13:52,464 --> 00:13:55,701
>> Stephen: VERY NICE, NICE
COMBO.
204
00:13:55,768 --> 00:13:57,503
TONIGHT, TONIGHT MY FRIEND,
WE'RE IN LUCK.
205
00:13:57,570 --> 00:14:03,943
YOU KNOW IT'S ALWAYS FUN-- IT'S
ALWAYS FUN WHEN MR. TOM HANKS
206
00:14:04,009 --> 00:14:06,378
STOPS AROUND.
RIGHT THERE, RIGHT THERE, DOING
207
00:14:06,445 --> 00:14:09,748
A LITTLE GAME WITH US WE CALL
"MAYBE COMING SOON."
208
00:14:09,815 --> 00:14:13,252
>> Louis: YEAH.
>> Stephen: ABOUT SOME MOVIES
209
00:14:13,319 --> 00:14:16,488
THAT WE'VE DONE TOGETHER.
AND CNN'S AUDIE CORNISH IS GOING
210
00:14:16,555 --> 00:14:20,159
TO BE OUT HERE TO TALK A LITTLE
ABOUT THE NEWS.
211
00:14:20,226 --> 00:14:22,494
SOME OF THE GAME HENS ARE HERE
TONIGHT.
212
00:14:22,561 --> 00:14:26,765
FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW,
YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME
213
00:14:26,832 --> 00:14:28,601
ROAMING THE CENTRAL ANDES
MOUNTAINS OF THE DAY'S NEWS
214
00:14:28,667 --> 00:14:33,606
LANDSCAPE, STALKING THE FINEST,
MOST TOPICAL PERUVIAN LLAMAS,
215
00:14:33,672 --> 00:14:35,507
WHICH CAN ONLY BE SHORN
ONCE EVERY THREE YEARS, THEN
216
00:14:35,574 --> 00:14:37,776
HAND-LOOMING THE WOOL BEFORE
CUTTING AND STITCHING IT INTO
217
00:14:37,843 --> 00:14:42,381
THE BESPOKE VICUNYA SUIT THAT IS
MY MONOLOGUE.
218
00:14:42,448 --> 00:14:45,217
BUT SOMETIMES, FOLKS, JUST
SOMETIMES, I'M TOSSED NAKED OUT
219
00:14:45,284 --> 00:14:46,552
OF A PARTY BUS ALONG THE AIRPORT
SERVICE ROAD, CUT ARM HOLES IN A
220
00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:51,824
DISCARDED TENT I FISHED OUT OF A
CULVERT, THEN TRY TO EXPLAIN
221
00:14:51,890 --> 00:14:54,760
CRYPTO TO A FAMILY OF POSSUMS
WHILE WEARING THE FLAPPING HOBO
222
00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:57,263
SMOCK OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT:
223
00:14:57,329 --> 00:15:03,102
>> MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
224
00:15:03,168 --> 00:15:07,906
IT'S ALL THE XANAX I NEED.
THAT'S THE BENGODIAZAPINE
225
00:15:07,973 --> 00:15:11,343
AMERICA NEEDS.
MEANWHILE, IN HUNKY RESEARCH
226
00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:20,252
NEWS, REGE-JEAN PAGE IS THE MOST
HANDSOME MAN IN THE WORLD, SAYS
227
00:15:20,319 --> 00:15:24,189
SCIENCE.
THAT'S RIGHT: SCIENCE.
228
00:15:24,256 --> 00:15:27,426
I BELIEVE THEY USED NEWTON'S
FIRST LAW OF MOTION: "A BODY AT
229
00:15:27,493 --> 00:15:31,597
REST REMAINS AT REST, BUT THAT
BOOTY WON'T QUIT!"
230
00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:32,865
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SCIENCE.
231
00:15:32,931 --> 00:15:36,735
LOOK AT THAT.
HE SURE IS SEXY.
232
00:15:36,802 --> 00:15:39,204
THIS IMPORTANT STUDY WAS
CONDUCTED BY A DOCTOR IN THE
233
00:15:39,271 --> 00:15:42,007
U.K., WHO FOUND THAT REGE-JEAN
IS 93.65% PERFECT IN TERMS OF
234
00:15:42,074 --> 00:15:45,377
THE GOLDEN RATIO.
I'M NOT REALLY SURE HOW THIS
235
00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:49,348
WORKS, BUT THIS IS THE GOLDEN
RATIO, AND THIS IS REGE-JEAN
236
00:15:49,415 --> 00:15:54,987
PAGE.
93.65% IS PRETTY GOOD, BUT
237
00:15:55,054 --> 00:15:56,388
IMAGINE HOW GOOD-LOOKING HE'D BE
IF HE MATCHED THE GOLDEN RATIO
238
00:15:56,455 --> 00:16:00,926
100%.
JUST GORGEOUS!
239
00:16:00,993 --> 00:16:04,930
TEAR ME OFF A PIECE OF THAT.
MEANWHILE, PARIS FASHION WEEK
240
00:16:04,997 --> 00:16:09,968
JUST ENDED, AND VIDEO HAS GONE
VIRAL OF KYLIE JENNER'S
241
00:16:10,035 --> 00:16:12,104
LESS-THAN-ENTHUSIASTIC REACTION
TO A PARTICULAR OUTFIT.
242
00:16:12,171 --> 00:16:16,375
HERE'S A MODEL WEARING A
GIGANTIC FAKE LION'S HEAD ON HER
243
00:16:16,442 --> 00:16:20,245
DRESS-- RAWR!
THAT IS FIERCE!
244
00:16:20,312 --> 00:16:23,749
EVERYONE SEEMS TO BE ENJOYING IT
EXCEPT ONE PERSON.
245
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:32,191
AND THERE SHE GOES.
LOOK, I TOTALLY FEEL YOU, KYLIE.
246
00:16:32,257 --> 00:16:34,193
I WILL NEVER FORGET THE EMMYS
WHEN THAT THIRSTY DIVA JOHN
247
00:16:34,259 --> 00:16:37,129
LITHGOW SHOWED UP WEARING THE
EXACT SAME PANTHER ASS AS ME!
248
00:16:37,196 --> 00:16:38,063
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
249
00:16:38,130 --> 00:16:45,104
JUST THE ASS.
JUST THE ASS.
250
00:16:45,170 --> 00:16:48,173
MEANWHILE, A PARK RANGER IN
AUSTRALIA HAS FOUND A
251
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:55,748
RECORD-BREAKING CANE TOAD,
WEIGHING IN AT 2.7 KILOGRAMS,
252
00:16:55,814 --> 00:16:57,950
WHICH IS ALMOST SIX POUNDS.
DAMN!
253
00:16:58,016 --> 00:17:00,185
THAT THING GETS ANY BIGGER,
THEY'RE GONNA STICK IT ON KYLIE
254
00:17:00,252 --> 00:17:03,122
JENNER'S DRESS.
( LAUGHTER )
255
00:17:03,188 --> 00:17:06,558
( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, "PHILADELPHIA NOW
256
00:17:06,625 --> 00:17:09,094
NEEDS LIFEGUARDS SO BAD THEY ARE
REPORTEDLY HIRING PEOPLE WHO
257
00:17:09,161 --> 00:17:12,164
CAN'T SWIM.
EXPLAINS WHY THEY'VE CHANGED THE
258
00:17:12,231 --> 00:17:15,033
SIGNS FROM "LIFEGUARD ON DUTY"
TO "SOME GUY NAMED CARL IS IN
259
00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:22,141
THE TALL CHAIR."
ONE OFFICIAL--
260
00:17:22,207 --> 00:17:25,911
ONE OFFICIAL WAS QUICK TO PUT
PEOPLE'S MINDS AT EASE, SAYING
261
00:17:25,978 --> 00:17:29,081
OF THE NEW GUARDS, "I WOULDN'T
SAY THEY CAN'T SWIM.
262
00:17:29,148 --> 00:17:31,016
THEY JUST CAN'T PASS OUR
SCREENING TEST ON THE FIRST
263
00:17:31,083 --> 00:17:36,855
TRY."
THAT STATEMENT NOT AS REASSURING
264
00:17:36,922 --> 00:17:38,824
AS YOU THINK IT IS.
"I WOULDN'T SAY THE PILOT CAN'T
265
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:42,995
FLY.
I'M JUST SAYING THEY JUST CAN'T
266
00:17:43,061 --> 00:17:44,263
LAND.
ANYWAY, SEAT BACKS AND TRAY
267
00:17:44,329 --> 00:17:47,266
TABLES UP.
THANK YOU FOR FLYING SPIRIT."
268
00:17:47,332 --> 00:17:57,509
I'LL BE LUCKY-- I'M NOT SURE IF
I'M MAKING IT THROUGH THIS SHOW.
269
00:17:57,576 --> 00:17:59,445
MEANWHILE, THERE'S NEWS FROM ONE
OF THE U.S.A.'S TOP FIVE
270
00:17:59,511 --> 00:18:05,050
VIRGINIAS-- WEST-- WHERE A
RESTAURANT OWNER WAS THRILLED
271
00:18:05,117 --> 00:18:08,153
THAT HIS "STOLEN HOT DOG STATUE
WAS RETURNED."
272
00:18:08,220 --> 00:18:10,189
NOW, OBVIOUSLY, I'M HAPPY THE
RESTAURANT OWNER GOT HIS STATUE
273
00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:14,259
BACK, BUT I'M DISTURBED THAT HE
IS LICKING HIS LIPS WHILE
274
00:18:14,326 --> 00:18:22,801
DOUSING HIMSELF WITH KETCHUP.
"OHH, I'D LOVE TO EAT ME.
275
00:18:22,868 --> 00:18:25,571
BUT I CAN'T, BECAUSE MY MOUTH IS
PART OF ME.
276
00:18:25,637 --> 00:18:26,805
MAYBE YOU COULD TAKE A BIG BITE
OF ME AND FEED ME SOME OF
277
00:18:26,872 --> 00:18:31,844
MYSELF, LIKE A LITTLE BABY BIRD.
WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"
278
00:18:31,910 --> 00:18:41,820
IT'S AN UPSETTING STATUE.
JUST HAVE A CHICKEN EATING A
279
00:18:41,887 --> 00:18:45,958
DRUM STICK NEXT TIME.
MEANWHILE, "OREO IS LAUNCHING A
280
00:18:46,024 --> 00:18:50,662
LIMITED-EDITION COOKIE THAT
COMES STUFFED WITH OTHER OREOS."
281
00:18:50,729 --> 00:18:53,665
THAT HEADLINE AGAIN: "WEED IS
LEGAL."
282
00:18:53,732 --> 00:18:56,568
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
283
00:18:56,635 --> 00:18:59,204
I HEAR.
I HEAR IT'S LEGAL.
284
00:18:59,271 --> 00:19:03,408
I WOULDN'T KNOW.
I'M NOT INTO THAT SCENE.
285
00:19:03,475 --> 00:19:06,378
THIS COOKIE IS BEING CALLED "THE
MOST OREO OREO."
286
00:19:06,445 --> 00:19:11,950
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE
LEAST OREO OREO, HYDROX.
287
00:19:12,017 --> 00:19:14,286
( LAUGHTER )
YEAH, I SAID IT.
288
00:19:14,353 --> 00:19:21,660
YOU TASTE LIKE A DENTIST'S
OFFICE, YOU DUSTY BITCH.
289
00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:25,998
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
290
00:19:26,064 --> 00:19:34,172
"DEAR CBS, DEAR CBS..., AS A
MEMBER OF THE HYDROX FAMILY I'M
291
00:19:34,239 --> 00:19:36,375
OFFENDED.
ROGER HYDROX."
292
00:19:36,441 --> 00:19:41,246
WHY IS THIS OREO SO OREO?
WELL, INSTEAD OF THE STANDARD
293
00:19:41,313 --> 00:19:44,816
CREME, THIS NEW VERSION HAS
ACTUAL BITS OF OREO IN IT.
294
00:19:44,883 --> 00:19:52,357
AND I HAPPEN TO HAVE SOME OF THE
NEW OREOS RIGHT HERE.
295
00:19:52,424 --> 00:19:57,396
LET'S GIVE THESE GIRLS A WHIRL.
MMM.
296
00:19:57,462 --> 00:20:00,499
WELL, THERE'S A REASON IT'S NOT
CALLED THE "BEST" OREO.
297
00:20:00,566 --> 00:20:07,005
( LAUGHTER )
BUT I WILL ADMIT IT IS THE
298
00:20:07,072 --> 00:20:08,307
"MOST."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TOM
299
00:20:08,373 --> 00:20:12,110
HANKS.
♪ ♪ ♪
300
00:20:12,177 --> 00:20:15,113
( APPLAUSE )
301
00:20:32,497 --> 00:20:34,666
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
302
00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:38,637
LOOK AT THAT!
YOU KNOW,s FOLKS, I AM HERE
303
00:20:38,704 --> 00:20:41,506
WITH THE STAR OF THE NEW MOVIE
"A MAN CALLED OTTO," TOM HANKS.
304
00:20:41,573 --> 00:20:44,376
A MAN WHO NEED NO INTRODUCTION,
WHICH IS WHY I WILL NOT.
305
00:20:44,443 --> 00:20:46,712
TOM.
>> APPRECIATE IT.
306
00:20:46,778 --> 00:20:48,380
>> Stephen: I LOVE IT WHEN YOU
STOP BY TO TALK ABOUT YOUR
307
00:20:48,447 --> 00:20:49,615
LATEST MOVIE, YOUR PROJECT, YOUR
BOOK, WHATEVER.
308
00:20:49,681 --> 00:20:51,316
YOU'RE SUCH A BUSY MAN, YOU
KNOW.
309
00:20:51,383 --> 00:20:55,253
AND I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW BUSY
YOU WERE, ACTUALLY, BECAUSE WHAT
310
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:57,155
I JUST-- I JUST RECENTLY FOUND
OUT FROM MY PRODUCER OVER HERE
311
00:20:57,222 --> 00:21:00,492
IS THAT YOU'VE GOT A WHOLE BUNCH
OF MOVIES COMING OUT REAL SOON.
312
00:21:00,559 --> 00:21:01,760
>> THEY STACKED UP, I MUST SAY.
AND I BANKROLLED QUITE A FEW OF
313
00:21:01,827 --> 00:21:03,495
THEM.
>> Stephen: AMAZING.
314
00:21:03,562 --> 00:21:05,397
AND I ESPECIALLY AM EXCITED,
BECAUSE I RECENTLY-- I DON'T
315
00:21:05,464 --> 00:21:10,836
KNOW IF YOU KNEW THIS, BECAUSE I
JUST FOUND THIS OUT-- THAT I...
316
00:21:10,902 --> 00:21:11,803
I FOUND OUT I STAR IN THESE
MOVIES WITH YOU.
317
00:21:11,870 --> 00:21:14,072
>> THAT'S HOW FAST WE MADE THEM,
RIGHT, YEAH.
318
00:21:14,139 --> 00:21:16,308
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
NO MEMORY OF THIS.
319
00:21:16,375 --> 00:21:18,076
>> WE DIDN'T WORK THE SAME DAY.
>> Stephen: IT WAS ONE OF THOSE
320
00:21:18,143 --> 00:21:19,478
ANIMATION THINGS WHERE I
SHOW UP.
321
00:21:19,544 --> 00:21:20,812
>> THEY JUST SAY WE'RE GONNA DO
THIS IN POST.
322
00:21:20,879 --> 00:21:22,581
THEY'LL FIX IT IN POST.
I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS YOU.
323
00:21:22,648 --> 00:21:23,982
>> Stephen: I WAS TALKING TO A
TENNIS BALL ON A STICK THE
324
00:21:24,049 --> 00:21:25,651
ENTIRE TIME.
>> EXACTLY.
325
00:21:25,717 --> 00:21:27,419
>> Stephen: WELL, HERE'S THE
THING: WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT
326
00:21:27,486 --> 00:21:28,787
THESE MOVIES ARE, BUT MY
GRAPHICS TEAM PUT TOGETHER A
327
00:21:28,854 --> 00:21:29,988
BUNCH OF MOVIE POSTERS.
OKAY.
328
00:21:30,055 --> 00:21:31,890
>> OH, YOU HAVE THEM?
>> Stephen: I HAVE THEM RIGHT
329
00:21:31,957 --> 00:21:33,725
HERE.
I HAVE THE LATEST TECHNOLOGY.
330
00:21:33,792 --> 00:21:37,796
>> WELL, THAT'S FANTASTIC.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE, NOT SEEN
331
00:21:37,863 --> 00:21:41,933
THESE POSTERS BEFORE. THESE ARE
POSTERS FOR THE MOVIES THAT
332
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:43,368
WE'RE GONNA BE STARRING IN
TOGETHER.
333
00:21:43,435 --> 00:21:45,170
IN JUST A MOMENT, WERE GONNA
TAKE A LOOK AND TRY TO REMEMBER
334
00:21:45,237 --> 00:21:46,438
THE PLOTS TOGETHER IN ORDER TO
GENERATE SOME INDUSTRY BUZZ.
335
00:21:46,505 --> 00:21:50,542
>> I'M STANDING BY.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
336
00:21:50,609 --> 00:21:51,710
>> THIS IS-- THIS IS HOW WE DO
IT.
337
00:21:51,777 --> 00:21:52,711
>> Stephen: WE'RE DRIVING BOX
OFFICE RIGHT NOW.
338
00:21:52,778 --> 00:21:54,413
>> RIGHT NOW.
>> Stephen: THIS IS "MAYBE
339
00:21:54,479 --> 00:22:03,622
COMING SOON."
♪ ♪ ♪
340
00:22:03,689 --> 00:22:06,692
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ALL RIGHT, TOM HANKS, HERE WE
341
00:22:06,758 --> 00:22:08,493
GO.
ARE YOU READY TO TRY TO REMEMBER
342
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:10,262
THE MOVIES WE WERE IN TOGETHER?
>> LET'S SEE WHAT WE CAN DO
343
00:22:10,328 --> 00:22:11,697
HERE.
>> Stephen: HERE'S THE FIRST
344
00:22:11,763 --> 00:22:12,864
MOVIE WE'RE IN TOGETHER.
>> YES, INDEED.
345
00:22:12,931 --> 00:22:13,799
>> Stephen: NEITHER OF US HAVE
SEEN ANY OF THESE POSTERS.
346
00:22:13,865 --> 00:22:17,836
>> NO, NO.
>> Stephen: STEPHEN COLBERT AND
347
00:22:17,903 --> 00:22:22,207
TOM HANKS ARE IN "SPACE
ACCOUNTANTS."
348
00:22:22,274 --> 00:22:26,044
"CAN THEY DEDUCT A METEOR BEFORE
IT CLAIMS OUR ASSETS?"
349
00:22:26,111 --> 00:22:27,646
>> UH, THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS
I NEVER PAID MUCH ATTENTION TO
350
00:22:27,713 --> 00:22:31,550
THIS, BECAUSE I HAD TO FIRE MY
AGENT JUST BEFORE THIS MOVIE
351
00:22:31,616 --> 00:22:36,722
CAME OUT, BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE
TOP BILLING ON THIS.
352
00:22:36,788 --> 00:22:38,623
ANYTIME STEPHEN COLBERT, TOM
HANKS, HELLO!
353
00:22:38,690 --> 00:22:40,425
I BELIEVE THAT NAME SHOULD BE
THERE, AND THAT NAME SHOULD BE
354
00:22:40,492 --> 00:22:43,628
THERE.
>> Stephen: WELL, TOM, THIS WAS
355
00:22:43,695 --> 00:22:47,165
RELEASED ONLY IN ISRAEL, SO THEY
READ FROM RIGHT TO LEFT.
356
00:22:47,232 --> 00:22:50,902
>> OH, FROM RIGHT TO LEFT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
357
00:22:50,969 --> 00:22:54,639
ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
>> Stephen: HANKS, COMMA, TOM.
358
00:22:54,706 --> 00:22:56,575
IT DID NOT OPEN OUTSIDE OF
ISRAEL.
359
00:22:56,641 --> 00:22:58,944
>> THEY DON'T ALWAYS.
>> Stephen: NOW HERE'S THE
360
00:22:59,010 --> 00:23:03,215
BILLING YOU WANTED.
>> NOW THERE YOU GO!
361
00:23:03,281 --> 00:23:05,117
>> Stephen: HANKS, COLBERT.
>> THAT'S A NEW REPRESENTATIVE,
362
00:23:05,183 --> 00:23:05,984
YEAH.
>> Stephen: "MICHELANGELO'S YARD
363
00:23:06,051 --> 00:23:08,987
SALE."
THE BARGAIN HUNTER BECOMES THE
364
00:23:09,054 --> 00:23:10,388
BARGAIN HUNTED!
>> AH, YEAH!
365
00:23:10,455 --> 00:23:13,225
>> Stephen: THIS IS-- THIS IS AN
OFFSHOOT, OF COURSE, ALL THE DAN
366
00:23:13,291 --> 00:23:18,096
BROWN MOVIES.
>> YEAH, I'M PLAYING ROBERT
367
00:23:18,163 --> 00:23:21,633
LANGDON THERE, DETECTIVE ROBERT
LANGDON THERE.
368
00:23:21,700 --> 00:23:25,270
>> Stephen: AND I AM PLAYING A
PSYCHOTIC ALBINO.
369
00:23:25,337 --> 00:23:28,840
WHICH IS WHAT I PLAY MOST OF THE
TIME, ACTUALLY.
370
00:23:28,907 --> 00:23:30,876
>> BUT NOTICE WHAT I'VE MADE OFF
WITH HERE.
371
00:23:30,942 --> 00:23:33,245
THIS IS LIKE-- THIS IS TRULY ONE
OF THE GREAT MICHELANGELO
372
00:23:33,311 --> 00:23:35,547
RELIGIOUS PAINTINGS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S THE HOLY
373
00:23:35,614 --> 00:23:38,150
FAMILY RIGHT THERE.
AND THERE'S THE DAVID BACK
374
00:23:38,216 --> 00:23:39,885
THERE.
AND BECAUSE-- ONLY BECAUSE THIS
375
00:23:39,951 --> 00:23:43,021
IS CBS IS YOUR SHOULDER BLOCKING
HIS PEEPEE.
376
00:23:43,088 --> 00:23:49,528
AND, OF COURSE, AGAIN, TOM
HANKS, STEPHEN COLBERT, "CENTAUR
377
00:23:49,594 --> 00:23:52,330
FIELD."
>> HALF-MAN, HALF-HORSE,
378
00:23:52,397 --> 00:23:53,431
>> Stephen: HALF-MAN,
HALF-HORSE, ALL-STAR.
379
00:23:53,498 --> 00:23:55,066
>> ALL RIGHT.
NOW, THE GREAT LINE FROM THIS.
380
00:23:55,133 --> 00:23:58,537
I GOT MAD BECAUSE IT WAS YOURS.
>> Stephen: YES.
381
00:23:58,603 --> 00:23:59,604
>> THERE'S NO BRAYYYING IN
BASEBALL.
382
00:23:59,671 --> 00:24:04,676
THAT WAS THE THING THAT THEY--
AND I'M LIKE, WHAT?
383
00:24:04,743 --> 00:24:09,881
>> Stephen: THE CRUX OF THIS
MOVIE, AND THE THING THAT IT
384
00:24:09,948 --> 00:24:11,116
SHIFTS ON, IS THAT YOU KNOW HOW
IN THE AIR BUD THEY GO, OH,
385
00:24:11,183 --> 00:24:14,519
"NOTHING IN THE RULEBOOK SAYS A
DOG CAN'T PLAY BASKETBALL."
386
00:24:14,586 --> 00:24:17,322
>> THAT'S TRUE.
>> Stephen: TURNS OUT, THERE IS
387
00:24:17,389 --> 00:24:18,456
SOMETHING IN THE RULEBOOK THAT
SAYS A HORSE CAN'T PLAY
388
00:24:18,523 --> 00:24:21,593
BASEBALL.
AND YOU HAVE TO ARGUE BEFORE THE
389
00:24:21,660 --> 00:24:22,828
SUPREME COURT, THAT I AM MORE
MAN THAN HORSE.
390
00:24:22,894 --> 00:24:29,868
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
391
00:24:29,935 --> 00:24:34,973
OF COURSE, TOM HANKS AND STEPHEN
COLBERT BAND OF BROTHERS--
392
00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:37,943
"BAND OF BROTHERS IN LAW."
>> OH, YEAH.
393
00:24:38,009 --> 00:24:40,011
THE ONLY THING HE HATES MORE
THAN NAZIS IS GARY.
394
00:24:40,078 --> 00:24:45,283
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: AND YOU'RE TRYING TO
395
00:24:45,350 --> 00:24:48,753
STORM OMAHA BEACH, AND I'M
TRYING TO BORROW MONEY FROM YOU.
396
00:24:48,820 --> 00:24:50,789
>> WELL, YOU HAVE-- YOU ACTUALLY
ARE THERE FIRST.
397
00:24:50,856 --> 00:24:55,260
YOU'VE GOT THE BARBECUE GOING.
YOU'VE GOT THE BRIQUETTES GOING.
398
00:24:55,327 --> 00:24:56,862
"HEY, GUYS, YOU'RE LATE," YOU
>> Stephen: AND, OF COURSE, THE
399
00:24:56,928 --> 00:25:05,003
FINAL MOVIE WE'RE DOING
TOGETHER, "TURNER AND HOOCH AND
400
00:25:05,070 --> 00:25:06,805
MAVERICK."
>> WHO SAYS YOU CAN'T TEACH AN
401
00:25:06,872 --> 00:25:11,610
OLD DOG TO PILOT FIGHTER JETS.
>> Stephen: RIGHT, RIGHT.
402
00:25:11,676 --> 00:25:13,078
THIS IS WHERE-- IT'S YOU.
IT'S TURNER AND HOOCH.
403
00:25:13,144 --> 00:25:14,446
ARE YOU TURNER OR IS HE HOOCH?
HOW DID THAT GO?
404
00:25:14,512 --> 00:25:15,614
WERE YOU HOOCH AND HE WAS
TURNER?
405
00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:18,183
>> I WAS NEVER SURE WHEN WE MADE
THE FIRST MOVIE.
406
00:25:18,250 --> 00:25:21,519
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: I CAN'T WAIT FOR
407
00:25:21,586 --> 00:25:29,494
ANY OF THESE TO COME OUT.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE-- I THOUGHT
408
00:25:29,561 --> 00:25:31,796
THAT WOULD FOLD.
I REALLY DID.
409
00:25:31,863 --> 00:25:34,699
TOM HANKS, WHAT AN HONOR TO DO
ALL THESE MOVIES WITH YOU.
410
00:25:34,766 --> 00:25:36,501
>> A PLEASURE, STEPHEN COLBERT.
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT
411
00:25:36,568 --> 00:25:38,570
BACK.
412
00:25:53,652 --> 00:25:58,490
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK!
413
00:25:58,556 --> 00:26:02,360
( APPLAUSE )
THANKS, ONCE AGAIN TO TOM HANKS
414
00:26:02,427 --> 00:26:06,298
FOR STOPPING BY AND DOING "MAYBE
COMING SOON" WITH ME IN THE LAST
415
00:26:06,364 --> 00:26:09,100
ACT.
EVEN THOUGH ALL OF THOSE MOVIES
416
00:26:09,167 --> 00:26:12,570
WERE TERRIBLE IDEAS.
TOM HAD ONE GOOD IDEA.
417
00:26:12,637 --> 00:26:16,675
THAT'S TO AUCTION OFF ALL THE
FAKE MOVIE POSTERS FOR CHARITY.
418
00:26:16,741 --> 00:26:20,245
BEFORE HE LEFT, TOM AND I SIGNED
ALL OF THOSE POSTERS.
419
00:26:20,312 --> 00:26:24,516
AND IF YOU WANT THEM, YOU CAN GO
TO:
420
00:26:24,582 --> 00:26:27,085
colbertlateshow.com/ebay TO BID
ON THESE AUTOGRAPHED POSTERS.
421
00:26:27,152 --> 00:26:33,124
THE AUCTION WILL BE OPEN FOR
SEVEN DAYS, AND ALL THE MONEY
422
00:26:33,191 --> 00:26:35,527
WILL SUPPORT "HIRE HEROES USA,"
AN ORGANIZATION THAT PROVIDES
423
00:26:35,593 --> 00:26:36,895
EMPLOYMENT ASSISTANCE AND
CAREER GUIDANCE TO SERVICE
424
00:26:36,962 --> 00:26:38,997
MEMBERS AND VETERANS.
CHECK IT OUT.
425
00:26:39,064 --> 00:26:41,232
ONE OF A KIND.
LOOK AT THIS.
426
00:26:41,299 --> 00:26:43,368
LOOK AT THAT.
UNBELIEVABLE.
427
00:26:43,435 --> 00:26:50,275
( APPLAUSE )
I MIGHT BID.
428
00:26:50,342 --> 00:26:52,277
FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST SPENT TEN
YEARS AS THE HOST OF NPR'S "ALL
429
00:26:52,344 --> 00:26:56,848
THINGS CONSIDERED."
NOW SHE'S A CNN ANCHOR AND
430
00:26:56,915 --> 00:26:58,883
CORRESPONDENT.
PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE
431
00:26:58,950 --> 00:27:13,832
SHOW," AUDIE CORNISH!
♪ ♪ ♪
432
00:27:13,898 --> 00:27:18,670
SHOW," AUDIE CORNISH!
♪ ♪ ♪
433
00:27:18,737 --> 00:27:20,638
( APPLAUSE )
>> OH, MY GOSH.
434
00:27:20,705 --> 00:27:21,573
>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE
SHOW.
435
00:27:21,639 --> 00:27:22,874
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: WELL, ARE I
436
00:27:22,941 --> 00:27:25,910
CERTAINLY-- I CERTAINLY KNOW
YOUR VOICE.
437
00:27:25,977 --> 00:27:27,412
I'VE LEARNED TO "ALL THINGS
CONSIDERED."
438
00:27:27,479 --> 00:27:28,847
YOU WERE OVER THERE FOR 10
YEARS.
439
00:27:28,913 --> 00:27:31,549
NOW YOU'RE ON CNN.
WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE ARE LIKE
440
00:27:31,616 --> 00:27:33,284
FOR YOU BEING THE PERSON BEING
INTERVIEWED AFTER DOING ALL
441
00:27:33,351 --> 00:27:34,819
THOSE INTERVIEWS FOR ALL THOSE
YEARS.
442
00:27:34,886 --> 00:27:39,324
DO YOU LIKE BEING ON THIS SIDE?
>> NO, I DON'T LIKE THE
443
00:27:39,391 --> 00:27:42,761
ATTENTION AT ALL, SO NOT REALLY.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T.
444
00:27:42,827 --> 00:27:48,099
>> BUT IT IS NICE TO NOT BE IN
CONTROL OF THE CONVERSATION, SO
445
00:27:48,166 --> 00:27:50,335
TO SPEAK.
LIKE, YOU HAVE TO DO ALL THE
446
00:27:50,402 --> 00:27:51,770
WORK.
>> Stephen: NO, YOU HAVE TO DO
447
00:27:51,836 --> 00:27:54,305
ALL THE WORK.
>> NO, NO, NO, NO.
448
00:27:54,372 --> 00:27:57,809
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
YOU HAVE TO THINK IN YOUR MIND,
449
00:27:57,876 --> 00:28:00,445
"WHERE IS THIS WE START?
WHAT KIND OF MOOD IS THE PERSON
450
00:28:00,512 --> 00:28:02,147
IN?"
YOU CAME AND GAVE ME A HANDSHAKE
451
00:28:02,213 --> 00:28:05,417
TO GET A FEEL FOR ME,s WHAT DO
YOU ASK, HOW DO THEY RESPOND AND
452
00:28:05,483 --> 00:28:07,986
YOU MOVE THE CONVERSATION ALONG
IN THEIR MIND.
453
00:28:08,053 --> 00:28:14,592
THIS SOUND REALLY WEIRD NOW THAT
I'M SAYING IT.
454
00:28:14,659 --> 00:28:17,228
>> Stephen: I WAS GOING TO
POINT OUT I SHOOK YOUR HAND TO
455
00:28:17,295 --> 00:28:18,730
SAY HI.
I WASN'T TRYING TO GET A FEEL
456
00:28:18,797 --> 00:28:20,832
FOR YOU.
I'M NOT ALWAYS GAMING THE
457
00:28:20,899 --> 00:28:22,934
SITUATION LIKE YOU ARE, AUDIE
CORNISH.
458
00:28:23,001 --> 00:28:24,335
>> THAT'S TRUE.
>> Stephen: YOU JUST REVEALED
459
00:28:24,402 --> 00:28:26,304
A LOT ABOUT YOURSELF.
>> I DID, I DID.
460
00:28:26,371 --> 00:28:30,308
>> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT--
>> I WAS LIKE, "A HANDSHAKE,
461
00:28:30,375 --> 00:28:31,676
THAT'S BOLD."
>> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUT
462
00:28:31,743 --> 00:28:33,545
THE NEWS FOR A SECOND.
>> YES.
463
00:28:33,611 --> 00:28:35,980
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MAKE
OF THE FACT THAT THE FORMER
464
00:28:36,047 --> 00:28:39,484
PRESIDENT HAS BEEN REINSTATED ON
FACEBOOK AND INSTAGRAM.
465
00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:43,988
AND AS A QUICK FOLLOW-UP, MISS
CORNISH, WHEN HE WAS PRESIDENT,
466
00:28:44,055 --> 00:28:47,125
ONE OF THE THINGS THAT WAS MOST
CHILLING TO ME RIGHT HERE WHEN I
467
00:28:47,192 --> 00:28:50,528
REALIZED HE HAD BEEN ELECTED ON
ELECTION NIGHT, WAS THAT
468
00:28:50,595 --> 00:28:53,298
INSATIABLE EGO WOULD CONSTANTLY
BE FED NOW BECAUSE ANYTHING THE
469
00:28:53,364 --> 00:28:55,433
PRESIDENT DOES IS IMPORTANT
ENCUGH TO BE REPORTED ALL AROUND
470
00:28:55,500 --> 00:28:58,570
THE WORLD.
WHEN HE GOES BACK ON FACEBOOK
471
00:28:58,636 --> 00:29:02,307
AND INSTAGRAM, IS EVERYTHING
HE'S GOING TO DO BE NEWSWORTHY?
472
00:29:02,373 --> 00:29:05,743
>> NO, AND I THINK WE'VE ALL
LEARNED A REALLY INCREDIBLE
473
00:29:05,810 --> 00:29:09,647
LESSON FROM THE LAST COUPLE OF
YEARS-- BY "WE," I MEAN THE
474
00:29:09,714 --> 00:29:11,316
MEDIA.
I THINK BEFORE SORT OF THE RULE,
475
00:29:11,382 --> 00:29:13,985
SO TO SPEAK, OF WASHINGTON
JOURNALISM IS IF THE LEADER OF
476
00:29:14,052 --> 00:29:17,655
THE FREE WORLD SPEAKS, IN
WHATEVER CAPACITY, YOU'RE
477
00:29:17,722 --> 00:29:20,191
SUPPOSED TO NOTE THAT AND SHARE
THAT AND HAVE THAT DISCUSSION.
478
00:29:20,258 --> 00:29:26,564
AND WHEN THAT STARTED TO HAPPEN
AT ALL HOURS, KIND OF AT RANDOM,
479
00:29:26,631 --> 00:29:28,933
SOMETIMES WITH POLICY, IT WAS, I
THINK, CONFUSING.
480
00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:32,604
PEOPLE DID NOT KNOW HOW TO
PRIORITIZE THE INFORMATION.
481
00:29:32,670 --> 00:29:35,974
AND, CLEARLY, THE SOCIAL MEDIA
COMPANIES DID NOT KNOW HOW TO
482
00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:38,276
EITHER ENCOURAGE IT OR POLICE
IT.
483
00:29:38,343 --> 00:29:41,679
AND WHAT'S --
>> Stephen: NOR DID THE
484
00:29:41,746 --> 00:29:45,049
SUPPORTERS OF THE PRESIDENT AND
MEMBERS OF THE ADMINISTRATION
485
00:29:45,116 --> 00:29:48,153
DIFFERENTIATE WHAT WAS OFFICIAL
AND WHAT WASN'T.
486
00:29:48,219 --> 00:29:50,555
SOMETIMES THEY'D SAY IT WAS.
AND SOMETIMES THEY'D SAY IT
487
00:29:50,622 --> 00:29:51,890
WASN'T.
>> THEN THEY WOULD ACTUALLY HAVE
488
00:29:51,956 --> 00:29:53,892
TO TURN AROUND AND KIND OF
BACK-FILL.
489
00:29:53,958 --> 00:29:55,793
THE PRESIDENT HAS JUST ANNOUNCED
THIS POLICY.
490
00:29:55,860 --> 00:29:58,763
NOW YOU'RE GETTING A BUNCH OF
PHONE CALLS, AND YOU'VE GOT TO
491
00:29:58,830 --> 00:30:01,366
SAY, "OH, YEAH, THIS IS
SOMETHING WE'VE BEEN WORKING
492
00:30:01,432 --> 00:30:05,904
ON," YOU KNOW.
AND NOT A GREAT WAY TO LEAD, AND
493
00:30:05,970 --> 00:30:10,708
CONFUSING TO THE PUBLIC.
AND FOR SOCIAL MEDIA COMPANIES
494
00:30:10,775 --> 00:30:14,312
THEY DID NOT EMBRACE THE
RESPONSIBILITY THEY HAD IN
495
00:30:14,379 --> 00:30:16,247
MANAGING THAT PROCESS.
BECAUSE I THINK THEY HAD ALL
496
00:30:16,314 --> 00:30:20,718
HOPED IT WOULD JUST BE KIND OF
CAT PICTURES AND, YOU KNOW,
497
00:30:20,785 --> 00:30:22,387
WHATEVER.
LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
498
00:30:22,453 --> 00:30:24,822
THEY DIDN'T TAKE IT SURSLY.
>> Stephen: SURE, YEAH, YEAH.
499
00:30:24,889 --> 00:30:28,092
>> AND ALL OF A SUDDEN THEY
REALIZED THEY WERE PUBLIC WILL
500
00:30:28,159 --> 00:30:30,995
INFRASTRUCTURE AND THEY HAD NO
INTEREST IN PUBLIC POLICY.
501
00:30:31,062 --> 00:30:35,266
SO NOW, EVEN TODAY, THIS
ANNOUNCEMENT BY NICK CLEGG, WHO
502
00:30:35,333 --> 00:30:38,903
USED TO BE U.K. DEPUTY PRIME
MINISTER, IS ABOUT HAVING A
503
00:30:38,970 --> 00:30:40,605
POLICY.
THEY AT LEAST HAVE RULES OF THE
504
00:30:40,672 --> 00:30:43,775
ROAD WHAT'S OKAY, WHAT'S NOT
OKAY, WHEN DO YOU KICK SOMEONE
505
00:30:43,841 --> 00:30:47,412
OFF, AND DO YOU EVER LET THEM
BACK ON AND THAT'S A GOOD THING.
506
00:30:47,478 --> 00:30:49,314
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
507
00:30:49,380 --> 00:30:50,615
WITH MORE AUDIE CORNISH,
EVERYBODY.
508
00:30:50,682 --> 00:30:52,684
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪
509
00:31:04,596 --> 00:31:06,965
>> Stephen: HEY, RV, WE'RE
BACK HERE WITH THE
510
00:31:07,031 --> 00:31:11,903
HOST OF THE PODCAST, "THE
ASSIGNMENT," AUDIE CORNISH.
511
00:31:11,970 --> 00:31:14,572
LET'S TALK ABOUT PEOPLE WHO
DON'T CARE ABOUT PUBLIC POLICY.
512
00:31:14,639 --> 00:31:17,609
GEORGE SANTOS IS IN CONGRESS.
AND YOU COVERED CAPITOL HILL FOR
513
00:31:17,675 --> 00:31:19,043
YEARS, I UNDERSTAND.
>> I DID.
514
00:31:19,110 --> 00:31:22,480
>> Stephen: HE'S A GIFT FOR
PEOPLE LIKE THE GOOF-UPS LIKE ME
515
00:31:22,547 --> 00:31:25,650
WHO GET TO MAKE JOKES ABOUT HIM
EVERY NIGHT.
516
00:31:25,717 --> 00:31:27,385
WHAT ABOUT SERIOUS FOLKS LIKE
YOU?
517
00:31:27,452 --> 00:31:33,091
WHAT DOES IT SAY ABOUT OUR
POLITICS THAT ONLY DID HE GET
518
00:31:33,157 --> 00:31:36,094
ELECTED WITH ALL THIS BAGGAGE,
BUT HE'S GOING TO STAY IN, IT
519
00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:39,964
LOOKS LIKE.
>> YES, THERE IS NO REAL RECALL
520
00:31:40,031 --> 00:31:43,167
MECHANISM IN TERMS OF NEW YORK
STATE LAW SO EVERYONE HAS TO
521
00:31:43,234 --> 00:31:45,370
WAIT.
AND FRANKLY, IT'S FASCINATING TO
522
00:31:45,436 --> 00:31:49,173
ME THAT THE HOUSE SPEAKER KEVIN
McCARTHY WAS LIKE, "WELL, THE
523
00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:50,742
VOTERS WILL HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF
IT."
524
00:31:50,808 --> 00:31:52,677
KNOWING FULL WELL THAT'S IN
ANOTHER TWO YEARS.
525
00:31:52,744 --> 00:31:56,347
I THINK HE'S A FASCINATE-- HE'S
SORT OF THE LOGICAL CONCLUSION
526
00:31:56,414 --> 00:32:01,986
OF THE END OF SHAME POLITICALLY,
RIGHT.
527
00:32:02,053 --> 00:32:04,522
AND I-- I'M KIND OF OBSESSED
WITH THIS IDEA--
528
00:32:04,589 --> 00:32:11,062
( APPLAUSE )
ONE OF THE THINGS THAT WAS
529
00:32:11,129 --> 00:32:13,298
FASCINATING ABOUT BEING A
POLITICAL REPORTER IS THERE IS
530
00:32:13,364 --> 00:32:16,401
ALWAYS THIS POTENTIAL FOR, LIKE,
THE GAFFE,OU KNOW.
531
00:32:16,467 --> 00:32:20,471
SOMEONE MIGHT SAY SOMETHING
VAGUELY INAPPROPRIATE, OR MAYBE
532
00:32:20,538 --> 00:32:23,675
THEY'D BE CAUGHT IN A LIE, YOU
KNOW, QUAINT THINGS LIKE THAT
533
00:32:23,741 --> 00:32:26,144
NOW THAT WE DON'T REALLY TAKE AS
SERIOUSLY.
534
00:32:26,210 --> 00:32:29,547
AND THE WAY IT WAS SUPPOSED TO
WORK IS, LIKE, WE, THE
535
00:32:29,614 --> 00:32:33,117
JOURNALISTS ARE LIKE, "HEY, DO
YOU HEAR WHAT THAT PERSON JUST
536
00:32:33,184 --> 00:32:34,886
SAID?"
AND THEN THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO
537
00:32:34,952 --> 00:32:39,123
BE A PUBLIC OUTCRY REACTION.
THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO TRIGGER A
538
00:32:39,190 --> 00:32:43,394
CHAIN OF ACCOUNTABILITY, WHETHER
FORMAL OR JUST KIND OF SAYING,
539
00:32:43,461 --> 00:32:48,700
"I SHOULD STEP DOWN, BECAUSE
I'VE BEEN CAUGHT DOING 'X'.
540
00:32:48,766 --> 00:32:50,435
THE.
AND I THINK THE LAST COUPLE OF
541
00:32:50,501 --> 00:32:52,470
YEARS HAVE TAUGHT EVERYONE, RIDE
IT OUT.
542
00:32:52,537 --> 00:32:55,640
TWEET THROUGH IT.
JUST KEEP SAYING-- LIKE CALLING
543
00:32:55,707 --> 00:33:00,278
THE MEEDIA LIARS, SAYING IT'S
ABOUT YOUR ENEMIES.
544
00:33:00,345 --> 00:33:03,381
THERE IS A PLAYBOOK FOR THIS
THAT HAS BEEN FAIRLY SUCCESSFUL.
545
00:33:03,448 --> 00:33:07,652
AND NOW YOU'RE SEEING IT, LIKE,
IN THIS MOMENT, YOU KNOW WHAT I
546
00:33:07,719 --> 00:33:09,487
MEAN?
WHERE SOMEONE, NO MATTER WHAT
547
00:33:09,554 --> 00:33:12,590
LIE THEY'RE CAUGHT IN, THEY KNOW
THAT MAYBE YOU JUST DON'T HAVE
548
00:33:12,657 --> 00:33:15,059
TO DO ANYTHING AT ALL.
AND I THINK THAT'S SOMETHING
549
00:33:15,126 --> 00:33:18,629
THAT WE REALLY HAVE TO WRESTLE
WITH GOING FORWARD IN THE MEDIA.
550
00:33:18,696 --> 00:33:20,765
IT'S FUN TO MAKE JOKES ABOUT
THIS PERSON.
551
00:33:20,832 --> 00:33:23,935
>> Stephen: IT IS, IT IS.
( LAUGHTER )
552
00:33:24,001 --> 00:33:25,169
TRUST ME.
>> I TOTALLY GET IT.
553
00:33:25,236 --> 00:33:26,938
>> Stephen: YEAH, I FACT
CHECKED THAT.
554
00:33:27,004 --> 00:33:30,541
>> BUT, YOU KNOW, WHERE DID
THEIR MONEY COME FROM, YOU KNOW?
555
00:33:30,608 --> 00:33:34,479
WHAT LOANS DO THEY OWE?
WHO IS GOING TO WANT INFLUENCE
556
00:33:34,545 --> 00:33:36,748
WITH THEM --
>> Stephen: WILL THEY HAVE
557
00:33:36,814 --> 00:33:39,784
ACCESS TO CLASSIFIED MATERIAL.
>> WILL THEY HAVE ACCESS TO
558
00:33:39,851 --> 00:33:40,585
CLASSIFIED MATERIAL.
>> Stephen: WILL THEY TAKE IT
559
00:33:40,651 --> 00:33:43,254
HOME AND STORE IT IN THEIR
GARAGE.
560
00:33:43,321 --> 00:33:46,023
>> WHO AMONG US HAS NOT.
>> Stephen: YOU SHOULD CHECK
561
00:33:46,090 --> 00:33:49,427
YOUR GARAGE.
YOU HAVE A NEW PODCAST CALLED
562
00:33:49,494 --> 00:33:51,896
"THE ASSIGNMENT."
>> I DO.
563
00:33:51,963 --> 00:33:54,565
>> Stephen: AND ONE OF THE
INTERESTING THINGS ABOUT THIS IS
564
00:33:54,632 --> 00:33:57,969
YOU ASK YOUR LISTENERS FOR IDEAS
FOR WHAT STORIES YOU SHOULD BE
565
00:33:58,035 --> 00:34:02,673
COVERING, THE PEOPLE YOU SHOULD
BE TALKING TO.
566
00:34:02,740 --> 00:34:06,477
HAVE YOU DISCOVERED A GAP IT
BETWEEN WHAT YOU THINK THEY'RE
567
00:34:06,544 --> 00:34:08,479
GOING TO WANT AND WHAT THEY
ACTUALLY WANT?
568
00:34:08,546 --> 00:34:10,515
WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED FROM THE
SUGGESTIONS YOU'VE GOTTEN FROM
569
00:34:10,581 --> 00:34:13,217
YOUR AUDIENCE?
>> I MEAN, IT'S PRETTY WILD.
570
00:34:13,284 --> 00:34:18,055
THE POINT SHOW IS TO, INSTEAD OF
YOU AND I BEING IN THIS SEAT,
571
00:34:18,122 --> 00:34:19,757
RIGHT.
YOU'RE A KIND OF GATEKEEPER
572
00:34:19,824 --> 00:34:23,628
HERE, AND I'M IN THIS, LIKE,
STRANGE CELEBRITY SCENARIO.
573
00:34:23,694 --> 00:34:26,597
WE ARE IN A WORLD WHERE
EVERYBODY IS PART OF THE STORY,
574
00:34:26,664 --> 00:34:28,366
RIGHT.
LIKE TIKTOK, YOU CAN GET YOUR
575
00:34:28,433 --> 00:34:30,334
NEWS.
YOU GET IT ON YOUR FACEBOOK FEED
576
00:34:30,401 --> 00:34:33,004
AND SEEING A MIX OF THINGS.
WE'RE DRIVING THE STORY.
577
00:34:33,070 --> 00:34:37,308
AND I WANTED TO PUT A REGULAR--
REGULAR NEEM THIS CHAIR AND TALK
578
00:34:37,375 --> 00:34:39,110
TO THEM THE WAY YOU'RE TALKING
TO ME.
579
00:34:39,177 --> 00:34:40,411
WHO ARE YOU?
WHAT DO YOU DO?
580
00:34:40,478 --> 00:34:43,381
WHAT MOTIVATES YOU AND HOW ARE
YOU TRYING TO ADD WHAT'S GOING
581
00:34:43,448 --> 00:34:46,784
ON IN THE WORLD.
WE TALKED TO GENDER-AFFIRMING
582
00:34:46,851 --> 00:34:50,154
CARE DOCTORS, PEDIATRICIANS, THE
DEATH THREATS.
583
00:34:50,221 --> 00:34:51,989
WE TALKED TO "ONLY FANS"
CREATORS.
584
00:34:52,056 --> 00:34:56,060
HOW DO YOU FALL INTO THIS WEIRD
SPACE BETWEEN SEX WORK AND THE
585
00:34:56,127 --> 00:35:00,231
ATTENTION ECONOMY?
AND I THINK THAT PEOPLE, AS A
586
00:35:00,298 --> 00:35:03,434
RESULT, HAVE KIND OF SENT IN A
MIXED BAG OF IDEAS.
587
00:35:03,501 --> 00:35:07,338
SOMEONE SENT IN AN IDEA ABOUT--
THEY HAD, "WELL, I DO A SEX
588
00:35:07,405 --> 00:35:11,843
PUPPET SHOW OUT HERE IN ARIZONA.
AND I THINK-- AND I THINK IT
589
00:35:11,909 --> 00:35:17,048
WOULD BE REALLY GREAT TO TALK
ABOUT..."
590
00:35:17,114 --> 00:35:18,282
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> EXACTLY.
591
00:35:18,349 --> 00:35:22,687
AND I WAS LIKE, "YES, SURE."
THERE'S PROBABLY A WHOLE THING,
592
00:35:22,753 --> 00:35:27,058
THINK PIECE I CAN DO ABOUT
MODERN PUPPETRY AND THE SEX
593
00:35:27,125 --> 00:35:27,992
ECONOMY.
>> Stephen: THAT IS A THINK
594
00:35:28,059 --> 00:35:30,127
PIECE IF I EVER HEARD ONE.
>> THAT'S I THING.
595
00:35:30,194 --> 00:35:33,498
>> Stephen: GOOD SHOW?
DID YOU CHECK OUT THE PUPPET
596
00:35:33,564 --> 00:35:35,566
SHOW?
>> WE WERE NOT ABLE TO...
597
00:35:35,633 --> 00:35:37,835
WE WEREN'T ABLE TO MAKE IT.
>> Stephen: DAMN IT!
598
00:35:37,902 --> 00:35:40,938
DAMN IT!
PLEASE COME ON "THE LATE SHOW."
599
00:35:41,005 --> 00:35:45,209
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
600
00:35:45,276 --> 00:35:47,879
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
601
00:35:47,945 --> 00:35:50,348
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> Stephen: HER PODCAST IS "THE
602
00:35:50,414 --> 00:35:53,251
ASSIGNMENT."
IT'S AUDIE CORNISH, EVERYBODY.
603
00:35:53,317 --> 00:35:56,687
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A
PERFORMANCE BY ELLE KING.
604
00:35:56,754 --> 00:35:58,890
♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )
605
00:36:19,076 --> 00:36:21,679
>> Stephen: HER ALBUM, "COME GET
YOUR WIFE," IS OUT TOMORROW.
606
00:36:21,746 --> 00:36:25,650
PERFORMING "LOVE GO BY,"
ELLE KING.
607
00:36:25,716 --> 00:36:32,423
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
608
00:36:32,490 --> 00:36:40,064
♪ ♪ ♪
>> ♪ DON'T EVEN TELL ME
609
00:36:40,131 --> 00:36:42,166
I DON'T NEED TO KNOW
ABOUT THE OTHERS
610
00:36:42,233 --> 00:36:47,939
♪ WHY YOU TRIPPIN', BABE?
WE GOT EACH OTHER
611
00:36:48,005 --> 00:36:53,277
I DON'T WANT NOBODY BUT YOU
♪ ANOTHER NOSE BLEED
612
00:36:53,344 --> 00:36:58,149
YOU DON'T GOTTA TELL ME
WHAT YOU'RE HIDING
613
00:36:58,215 --> 00:37:01,919
♪ I ALREADY KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE LIKE WHEN
614
00:37:01,986 --> 00:37:07,291
YOU BEEN DRINKING
♪ I DON'T WANT NOBODY BUT YOU
615
00:37:07,358 --> 00:37:14,298
BABY
♪ MAKE ME WANNA CRY SOMETIMES
616
00:37:14,365 --> 00:37:22,139
MAKE ME WANNA DIE SOMETIMES
♪ I WON'T LET YOUR LOVE GO BY
617
00:37:22,206 --> 00:37:32,216
EVEN THOUGH IT HURTS SOMETIMES
WE CAN BE THE WORST SOMETIMES
618
00:37:32,283 --> 00:37:37,655
♪ I WON'T LET YOUR LOVE GO BY
YOU ONLY CALL ME
619
00:37:37,722 --> 00:37:43,160
WHEN YOU'RE LONELY
♪ AND YOU'RE NEEDING SOME
620
00:37:43,227 --> 00:37:46,931
ATTENTION
♪ BABY, I CAN SEE THROUGH YOUR
621
00:37:46,998 --> 00:37:53,170
INTENTIONS
♪ I CAN'T EVEN SAY NO TO YOU
622
00:37:53,237 --> 00:37:56,340
I CAN'T SPEAK
♪ 'CAUSE BABE, YOU KNOW I'M
623
00:37:56,407 --> 00:38:01,579
GUILTY OF THE SAME
♪ I DO JUST WHAT I WANT BECAUSE
624
00:38:01,646 --> 00:38:08,052
YOU TAKE IT
♪ AT LEAST I'M COMING HOME TO
625
00:38:08,119 --> 00:38:15,292
YOU, BABY
♪ MAKE ME WANNA CRY SOMETIMES
626
00:38:15,359 --> 00:38:24,235
MAKE ME WANNA DIE SOMETIMES
I WON'T LET YOUR LOVE GO BY
627
00:38:24,301 --> 00:38:32,510
♪ EVEN THOUGH IT HURTS SOMETIMES
YOU CAN BE THE WORST SOMETIMES
628
00:38:32,576 --> 00:38:45,489
♪ I WON'T LET YOUR LOVE GO BY
♪ CUTS ME DEEPER EVERY TIME
629
00:38:45,556 --> 00:38:48,526
YOU
♪ THAT'S WHY I NEVER GET MY
630
00:38:48,592 --> 00:38:54,532
HOPES TOO HIGH
♪ TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT REAL
631
00:38:54,598 --> 00:39:00,171
LIFE
♪ MAKE YOU WANNA SCREAM
632
00:39:00,237 --> 00:39:06,644
JUST BLEED 'TILL
YOU GET IT RIGHT
633
00:39:06,711 --> 00:39:12,283
♪ MAKE ME WANNA CRY SOMETIMES
MAKE ME WANNA DIE SOMETIMES
634
00:39:12,349 --> 00:39:20,324
♪ I WON'T LET YOUR LOVE GO BY
EVEN THOUGH IT HURTS SOMETIMES
635
00:39:20,391 --> 00:39:29,100
WE CAN BE THE WORST SOMETIMES
♪ I WON'T LET YOUR LOVE GO BY
636
00:39:29,166 --> 00:39:35,139
♪ MAKE ME WANNA CRY SOMETIMES
MAKE ME WANNA DIE SOMETIMES
637
00:39:35,206 --> 00:39:41,011
♪ I WON'T LET YOUR LOVE GO BY
LET YOUR LOVE GO BY
638
00:39:41,078 --> 00:39:46,016
♪ EVEN THOUGH IT HURTS SOMETIMES
WE CAN BE THE WORST SOMETIMES
639
00:39:46,083 --> 00:39:54,825
I WON'T LET YOUR LOVE GO BY
♪ MAKE ME WANNA CRY SOMETIMES
640
00:39:54,892 --> 00:40:05,970
MAKE ME WANNA DIE SOMETIMES
♪ I WON'T LET YOUR LOVE GO BY
641
00:40:06,036 --> 00:40:11,442
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: BEAUTIFUL.
642
00:40:11,509 --> 00:40:14,712
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
643
00:40:14,779 --> 00:40:22,419
ELLE KING, EVERYBODY!
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
644
00:40:22,486 --> 00:40:24,021
JESSICA CHASTAIN, AND HARRISON
FORD.
645
00:40:24,088 --> 00:40:26,090
GOOD NIGHT!