>> NORFOLK SOUTHERN AND OTHER
RAIL COMPANIES SPENT MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN THE COURTS
AND LOBBYING MEMBERS OF CONGRESS TO OPPOSE COMMON SENSE SAFETY
REGULATIONS, STOPPING SOME ENTIRELY AND REDUCING THE SCOPE
OF OTHERS. >> LONGER, HIGH-HAZARD FLAMMABLE
TRAINS WOULD NEED BRAKES BY 2023.
IRONICALLY. BUT IN 2018, THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION, ELAINE CHAO WAS THE TRANSPORTATION SECRETARY,
ROLLED IT BACK ENTIRELY.
♪ ♪ >> WHY AREN'T YOU ROLLING,
HENRY? >> SIR, MY BRAKES SEEM FAULTY.
>> DON'T WORRY. I'VE LOBBIED THE TRANSPORTATION
DEPARTMENT SO WE DON'T NEED BRAKES.
>> I'M WORRIED THAT CARRYING THIS CARGO OF MURDER HORNETS
WITH SMALLPOX THROUGH A RESIDENTIAL AREA IS A BAD IDEA.
>> WELL, YOUR WORRY DOESN'T PAY FOR MY "EYES WIDE SHUT"
SEX ORGIES, HENRY. LET'S ROLL.
[SQUEAKING] [CRASHING]
>> [SCREAMING] OH!
OH, NO! NOW I'M GOING TO BE ALL BUMPY
AT THE ORGY! >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE
SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." TONIGHT...
COMMANDER IN KYIV. FIRST, STEPHEN WELCOMES...
SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS. AND MUSICAL GUEST LITTLE SIMZ.
FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER
IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT.
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: WHERE IS MY SOUP?
>> Audience: [CHANTING] STEPHEN!
STEPHEN!
>> WELCOME, WON AN ALL TOO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. GOING TO START BY SAYING HAPPY
PRESIDENTS' DAY EVERYBODY, THE DAY WHEN WE COMMEMORATE
GEORGE WASHINGTON AND ABRAHAM LINCOLN GETTING HALF OFF
DOWN A MICROWAVE AT SEARS. SEARS:
WE'RE STILL A STORE. IT WAS A BIG PRESIDENT'S DAY
FOR OUR CURRENT PRESIDENT, BECAUSE EARLY THIS MORNING,
BIDEN MADE A SURPRISE VISIT TO KYIV.
BOOM. I ASSUME IT WAS ONLY A SURPRISE
TO US AND NOT THE UKRAINIANS. [UKRAINIAN ACCENT]
"INCOMING! IT APPEARS RUSSIA IS ATTACKING
KYIV WITH VERY SLOW-MOVING WHITE-WALKER!
OKAY, NO, NO, NO. FALSE ALARM,
WE HAVE SUBDUED HIM WITH BUTTERSCOTCH."
FLAWLESS UKRAINIAN ACCENT. THIS IS SERIOUSLY IMPRESSIVE.
BIDEN RISKED A SECRET TRIP TO A WAR ZONE TO SHOW OUR ALLIES
HE'S GOT THEIR BACK. UNLESS HE WENT THERE TO FIND
HUNTER BIDEN'S OTHER LAPTOP? NO.
NO, IT'S THE ALLY THING. IT'S THE ALLY THING.
DUE TO SECURITY CONCERNS, NO ONE KNEW ABOUT THE TRIP.
BIDEN LEFT UNDER THE COVER OF DARKNESS, DEPARTING
ON AIR FORCE ONE FOR POLAND AT 4:15 A.M., AND JUST TO THROW
EVERYBODY OFF HIS TRAIL, BACK AT THE WHITE HOUSE,
HE LEFT A DECOY. PILLOW JOE.
YEAH. SAME SKIN TONE.
UPON ARRIVAL IN KYIV, BIDEN GOT STRAIGHT TO BUSINESS,
MEETING WITH UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT VOLODYMYR ZELENSKY.
HERE THEY ARE. TWO WORLD LEADERS...
LOOKING LIKE YOUR DAD MEETING YOUR BOYFRIEND AND THEN DECIDING
HE'S OKAY EVEN THOUGH HE WEARS CARGO PANTS TO CHURCH.
BIDEN JOINED ZELENSKYY FOR A TOUR
OF KYIV AND ANNOUNCED AN ADDITIONAL $460 MILLION
IN MILITARY AID. WHICH UKRAINE CLEARLY NEEDS,
BECAUSE DURING THE VISIT, AIR RAID SIRENS WENT OFF.
[SIRENS BLARING] LOOK AT THAT.
AIR RAID SIRENS ARE BLARING AND JOE STAYS COOL AS A CUCUMBER.
THAT IS BRAVERY. LAST TIME WE HAD A FIRE DRILL
AT THE OFFICE, I PUSHED AN INTERN DOWN THE STAIRS
GET OUT. IT'S OKAY.
HE GOT COLLEGE CREDIT FOR THAT. AND I LIKE TO THINK HE LEARNED A
LOT, TOO. SPECIFICALLY, TO GET OUT
OF MY WAY. TRUE STORY?
THEY'RE STILL DEALING WITH THE CATASTROPHIC
TRAIN DERAILMENT IN EAST PALESTINE, OHIO, AND WE'RE
LEARNING MORE ABOUT THE FAILURES THAT LED UP TO IT.
I'LL TELL YOU WHO DIDN'T HELP. THE ADMINISTRATION
OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT. IN 2018, THEY REPEALED A RULE
THAT WOULD REQUIRE SOME TRAINS CARRYING HAZARDOUS
SUBSTANCES TO UPGRADE THEIR BRAKING SYSTEMS,
ARGUING THAT THE COST OF REQUIRING THESE BRAKES WAS NOT
ECONOMICALLY JUSTIFIED. >> [BOOS]
>> Stephen: GIVE THEM A CHA CHANCE.
NOW THEY FOUND A CHEAPER ALTERNATIVE:
REPLACING ALL THE DIRT IN OHIO. THAT OBAMA-ERA RULE WOULD
LIKELY NOT HAVE PREVENTED THIS DERAILMENT, BECAUSE THANKS
TO INTENSE LOBBYING BY NORFOLK SOUTHERN AND OTHER RAILROADS,
A TRAIN IS CONSIDERED "HIGH-HAZARD" ONLY IF IT'S
GOING FASTER THAN 30 MILES PER HOUR WITH AT LEAST 70 LOADED
TANK CARS CONTAINING CERTAIN HIGHLY FLAMMABLE LIQUIDS.
YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S GOOD. TANKER CARS FULL OF
VINYL CHLORIDE IS A CLEAR HAZARD.
69 IS TOTALLY FINE. BUT I'M GOING TO GUESS 1 TANKER
OF VINYL CHLORIDE ARE DANGEROUS. YOU SHOULDN'T PUT ANY HAZARDOUS
CHEMICALS ON A TRAIN UNLESS THE BRAKES ARE WORKING.
IT'S A LESSON WE ALL LEARNED IN THE CHILDREN'S CLASSIC:
"THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD TURN OHIO
INTO A VAST WASTELAND." I THINK I CAN.
I THINK I CAN.
NORFOLK SOUTHERN DOES A LOT OF LOBBYING AGAINST REGULATIONS.
THEIR NEWEST MISSION HAS BEEN TO DEFEAT
A PROPOSED FEDERAL RULE THAT WOULD REQUIRE TRAINS,
IN MOST CASES, TO HAVE TWO CREW MEMBERS.
WELL, YEAH! EVERY TRAIN SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST
TWO CREW MEMBERS, AND FOUR BOXCAR CHILDREN
TO SOLVE MYSTERIES. ONE PERSON WHO'S NOT MAKING
THINGS BETTER OVER AT NORFOLK SOUTHERN IS
CEO AND STOCK PHOTO RESULT WHEN YOU TYPE "NOTHING" INTO THE
SEARCH FIELD, ALAN SHAW.
OVER THE WEEKEND, SHAW VISITED EAST PALESTINE AND TRIED TO DO
SOME DAMAGE CONTROL. HERE HE IS EXPLAINING WHAT
HAPPENED TO THE POLLUTED SOIL AND LIQUIDS THAT WERE REMOVED
FROM THE CRASH SITE. >> WE'RE TAKING IT TO LANDFILLS
THAT ARE DESIGNED TO HANDLE THAT TYPE OF MATERIAL.
>> WHAT CITY AND STATE? >> I DON'T HAVE THAT
INFORMATION. >> YOU DON'T KNOW
WHERE THEY'RE GOING? >> NO.
>> Stephen: EVEN IF HE DID KNOW, HE'S NEVER GOING TO TELL YOU.
NO STATE IS GONNA ADVERTISE THEY'RE GETTING MILLIONS
OF POUNDS OF TOXIC DIRT. "WHERE'D IT COME FROM?
WHAT DOES IT MATTER? ENJOY YOUR NEW SKI MOUNTAIN!"
MOUNT FIRE. NORFOLK SOUTHERN RE-STARTED
TRAIN SERVICE THROUGH EAST PALESTINE A WEEK AGO,
AND SHAW TRIED TO REASSURE RESIDENTS THAT IT WAS SAFE.
HE FAILED. >> WE WORK WITH THE OHIO EPA
TO MAKE SURE THAT IT WAS SAFE TO OPERATE IN THAT AREA.
>> OKAY, SO NONE OF THE SOIL UNDERNEATH THE RAIL LINES
IS CONTAMINATED? >> I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
>> Stephen: NOT GREAT. "WE ARE WORKING WITH OHIO POLICE
TO MAKE SURE THERE ARE NO MORE CHAINSAW MURDERERS IN THE AREA."
"SO, YOU CAUGHT THE GUY WITH THE CHAINSAW?"
"I DIDN'T SAY THAT. WE TRIED TO, BUT THE
CHAINSAW LOBBY IS REALLY POWERFUL."
SHAW EVEN MANAGED TO PUT A POSITIVE SPIN ON
THE TOXIC PLUME THAT RESULTED FROM THE CONTROLLED BURN
OF THE CHEMICAL SPILL. >> SHAW SAYS HE WAS AT THE
MEETING IN PERSON ON THE MONDAY AFTER THE DERAILMENT,
IN WHICH THE DECISION FOR A CONTROLLED RELEASE WAS MADE.
AND WHAT WAS HIS REACTION WHEN HE SAW THE RESULT
AND THE CLOUD OF SMOKE RISING INTO THE SKY?
>> FRANKLY, THAT TOLD US THAT THERE WAS SUCCESS.
>> Stephen: YES. WE KNOW THAT
FAMOUS SAYING, "WHERE THERE'S SMOKE,
THERE'S SUCCESS!" IN GENERAL...
I'D SAY THE INTERVIEW WENT OFF THE RAILS,
BUT FOR NORFOLK SOUTHERN, THAT'S ON BRAND.
THERE YOU GO. WE GOT AN UPDATE ON THOSE
UNIDENTIFIED AIRBORNE OBJECTS THAT THE MILITARY BLOWED UP
REAL GOOD. THESE THINGS ENTERED OUR
AIRSPACE AND WERE DEEMED SUCH A THREAT WE SCRAMBLED
STEALTH FIGHTER JETS, SO CLEARLY, THE SECURITY OF THE
PLANET DEPENDS ON LEARNING WHAT THEY WERE.
WHICH IS WHY, THIS WEEKEND: THE GOVERNMENT CALLED OFF THE
SEARCH FOR THE UNIDENTIFIED OBJECTS IT SHOT DOWN.
WHAT? THAT SEEMS REALLY SUSPICIOUS.
BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? BUT YOU GOTTA TRUST
THE OFFICIAL PENTAGON STATEMENT. "THERE IS NO THREAT TO NATIONAL
SECURITY, AS WE HAVE BEEN ASSURED BY OUR SLENDER,
FEATURELESS CAPTORS, WHO ARE FEEDING US A FATTENING
SLURRY OF GRAINS AND ACORNS. HAIL GORLOCK."
GORLOCK IS A GOOD GUY. YOU'D LIKE HIM.
SOLID GUY. GRANTED, THESE DEBRIS RECOVERY
MISSIONS WERE DIFFICULT. IN ALASKA, NAVY PILOTS FACED
PUNISHING TERRAIN AND WEATHER CONDITIONS, CAUSING THEM TO
END THEIR MISSION WITH NO ANSWERS NEAR THE TOWN
OF DEADHORSE. BEFORE THE NAVY MADE
IT RAIN SIDEWINDER MISSILES, THE TOWN WAS CALLED
HAPPY-ALIVE-HORSE. SO...
WE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE ALASKA UFO
FROM FEBRUARY 10TH. BUT THERE'S ALSO THE
YUKON UFO FROM FEBRUARY 11TH, WHERE WE MAY HAVE A LEAD.
BECAUSE SOME NOW BELIEVE THE SINISTER OBJECT MAY HAVE BEEN
A PARTY-STYLE BALLOON. "TIGER TO RENEGADE,
I'VE GOT A BOGEY IN MY SITES.
SEEMS TO BE BROADCASTING A MESSAGE:
HAPPY BAR MITZVAH, AARON." THERE'S ALSO GATHERING EVIDENCE
THAT THE SOURCE OF THIS INFLATABLE MENACE COULD BE
A HOBBY GROUP CALLED THE NORTHERN ILLINOIS BOTTLECAP
BALLOON BRIGADE. THEIR MOTTO?
"LET'S START A WAR WITH CHINA!" FATHERS AND KIDS.
SOMETHING TO DO ON THE WEEKENDS. DADS AND KIDS.
OH, THERE'S BREAKING NEWS FROM THE NATION'S CAPITAL,
NEW YORK CITY. A NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT
FECAL BACTERIA IS RAMPANT ON NEW YORK SIDEWALKS.
SO, THE NEXT TIME YOUR TODDLER THROWS A TANTRUM AND HURLS
THEMSELF ON THE GROUND, JUST LEAVE HIM THERE
AND GET A NEW KID. JUST CUT YOUR LOSSES.
JUST -- IT'S BEEN GREAT. THE PURPOSE OF THE STUDY
WAS TO ESTABLISH HOW MUCH DOG POOP FOOTWEAR
CARRIES INTO HOMES. OH, OH, I KNOW.
TOO MUCH. THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD
ONLY WALK THE STREETS OF NEW YORK BAREFOOT.
AND WHEN YOU COME IN, PUT ON THE SHOES TO PROTECT
YOUR FLOOR. GATHERING THE DATA INVOLVED
RESEARCHERS USING TAPE AND CROUCHING ON THE SIDEWALK
WITH STERILE PIPETTES. THEY WERE JUST FOLLOWING THE
SCIENTIFIC METHOD. OBSERVE,
QUESTION EVERY LIFE CHOICE THAT HAS LED YOU TO THIS MOMENT,
CROUCHED ON THE SIDEWALK, PUTTING POOPY TAPE INTO A BAG.
NOW, THAT'S IT. I BELIEVE THAT WAS GALILEO WHO
CAME UP WITH THAT. HOWEVER DIRTY YOU THINK NEW YORK
SIDEWALKS ARE, THEY'RE WORSE. BECAUSE THEY FOUND 31,000
FECAL BACTERIA PER SAMPLE OF POOLED RAINWATER
ON CITY SIDEWALKS. TO WHICH THE BACTERIA SAID,
"YEAH, IT'S A LITTLE CRAMPED, BUT THAT'S THE PRICE YOU PAY
TO LIVE IN THE GREATEST SIDEWALK IN THE WORLD!"
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I'M SPILLING THE TEA
ON THE HOTTEST NEW YOUTH TRENDS. IT'LL TOTES HAVE YOU SHOOK,
NO CAP!
>> Announcer: "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT" SPONSORED
BY SWIFFER
>> Stephen: THAT'S "THE LATE SHOW" BAND.
HELLO, LOUIS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
JUST A MINUTE, MINUTES FROM NOW, MERE MINUTES FROM NOW, A YOUNG
MAN IS GOING TO BE SITTING OVER THERE.
YOU KNOW HIM. YOU LOVE HIM.
HIS NAME IS BERNIE SANDERS. HE'S GOING TO BRING THE HEAT.
HE IS ALWAYS BRINGING THE HEAT. I DID SOMETHING THIS WEEKEND
THAT MADE ME FULLY AMERICAN FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.
I DIDN'T REALIZE I HADN'T ACHIEVED THE AFFECT ON
PRESIDENTS' DAY WEEKEND, I BOUGHT A MATTRESS.
>> Louis: HEY! THAT'S VERY AMERICAN.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT JOKING. WE NEEDED TO BUY A MATTRESS SO
WE WENT TO ONE OF THE STORES. LET'S TO WORK ON NOT GOING TO
NAME THE STORY. LET'S SAY THEIR MATTRESSES ARE
FIRM AND YOU SLEEPY ON THEM. WE SAID IS ANYTHING ON SALE?
THEY SAID EVERYTHING IS ON SALE. I SAID WHY IS EVERY THING ON
SALE? HE GOES, IT'S PRESIDENTS' DAY
WEEKEND. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I WENT, OH, WOW. I DON'T KEEP IT MARKED ON MY
CALENDAR AS I SHOULD. MY CALENDAR ONLY SAYS TWO
THINGS: SUIT DAY, SLEEP DAY. THOSE ARE THE THINGS I HAVE.
ANYWAY, I'LL REPORT ON HOW THE MATTRESS GOES.
>> Louis: LET ME KNOW. >> Stephen: GETTING ONE OF
THOSE THINGS, WHAT'S IT CALLED? ADJUSTABLE BED.
THE BED HAS A REMOTE CONTROL. I AM TIRED OF ENGAGING MY ABS.
DOING CRUNCHES. I'M DOING CRUNCHES.
ONE MORE REP. >> Louis: YOU WORK HARD.
>> Stephen: I KNOW. FOLKS, AS EVERYBODY KNOWS, I AM
ALWAYS JACKED INTO WHAT'S POPPING IN YOUTH CULTURE.
AND APPARENTLY RIGHT NOW THE YOUNGLINGS ARE OBSESSED WITH
A NEW CRAZE THAT I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IN MY TOTALLY DOPE
TREND SEGMENT "STEPHEN COLBERT PRESENTS:
THAT'S YEET. DABBING ON FLEEK, FAM!"
THE KIDS KNOW. THE KIDS KNOW.
WELL, IT'S TWO THOUSAND TWENTY-THREE, AND YOU KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS. IT'S TWO THOUSAND.
BECAUSE, AMONG GEN Z AND MILLENNIALS,
EVIDENTLY "Y2K AESTHETICS ARE SO HOT RIGHT NOW."
WHICH NOW BRINGS ME TO MY EARLY 2000s
"THAT'S YEET, DABBING ON FLEEK, FAM"
SUBSEGMENT "THAT'S CRUNK, CHILLAXIN'
FO SHAZZLE, DAWG. WAZZZAAAPPPPP."
ACCORDING TO TRENDSTERS, KIDS LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT
THE EARLY 2000s. FOR EXAMPLE,
GEN-Z'S LATEST "VINTAGE" OBSESSION IS THE FLIP PHONE.
YES, FLIP PHONE. PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO'S THOUGHT
"I LOVE TEXTING, BUT I WISH I HAD TO HIT THE 2 BUTTON
THREE TIMES TO TYPE THE LETTER C."
APPARENTLY, YOUNG PEOPLE ARE ENJOYING DISCONNECTING
FROM THEIR SMART PHONES, SAYING THAT A FLIP STILL
BRINGS ALL OF THE GOOD THINGS ABOUT A PHONE:
CONNECTING WITH PEOPLE AND TAKING PHOTOS AND VIDEOS.
YES, YOU KNOW. THE REASON TELEPHONES
WERE INVENTED: TAKING PHOTOS AND VIDEOS.
WHO CAN FORGET THE FIRST CALL BY ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL?
"MR. WATSON, SAY CHEESE! NOW TRY A SILLY ONE.
NO DUCKFACE!" >> Stephen: WOW.
THAT'S A WAX CYLINDER? THAT IS FROM AN OLD WAX
CALENDAR? IT'S NOT JUST HOW THE YOUTH
COMMUNICATE. IT'S ALSO HOW THEY FEEL.
BECAUSE APPARENTLY, A KEY PART OF THE Y2K AESTHETIC IS DRESSING
RAD WHILE FEELING SAD. NAMELY, WITH ITEMS LIKE,
TINTED SUN GOGGLES AND BABY TEES, LOW-RISE JEANS
AND PARACHUTE PANTS, THE CURRENT LOOK SCREAM
"PARTY," BUT THE VIBE STILL WHISPERS, "WORRY."
SO, BASICALLY, LOOK LIKE BEN AFFLECK AT THE GRAMMYS.
[APPLAUSE] LOOKS GOOD.
BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF
THE Y2K AESTHETIC IS FASHION. AND THE YOUNGS ARE SO GOOPED
AND GAGGED OVER EARLY 2000s CLOTHES, THEY'VE COINED THE LOOK
ROM-COM CORE. COINCIDENTALLY, ALSO THE NAME OF
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY'S SHORT-LIVED WORKOUT
VIDEO SERIES. YOU KNOW HIS MOTTO:
"ABS TIGHT, ABS TIGHT, ABS TIGHT."
ROM-COM CORE TAKES INSPIRATION FROM THE HIT MOVIES OF THE DAY.
FOR EXAMPLE, LOOKS LIKE THE SLIP DRESSES IN
"13 GOING ON 30" OR KATE HUDSON IN TUBE TOPS
AND "SAVE THE LAST DANCE" CARGO PANTS.
THAT'S RIGHT, CARGO PANTS ARE COOL NOW.
AND THAT SOUND YOU HEAR IS DADS EVERYWHERE YELLING, "I TOLD YOU!
LOOK WHO'S EATING HUMBLE PIE, WHICH I PULLED OUT OF MY GIANT
POCKETS!" EVEN THOUGH I JUST TOLD YOU
ALL ABOUT IT, I STILL DON'T GET IT.
SO HERE TO HELP ME UNDERSTAND THE ROM-COM-CORE OBSESSION IS
MY WRITER AND CERTIFIED YOUNG PERSON, ELIANA KWARTLER.
ELIANA, THANK YOU SO MUCH. PLEASE HAVE A SEAT.
>> HI, STEVE. >> Stephen: HI, ELIANA.
HELP ME OUT HERE. WHY ARE YOUNG PEOPLE SO OBSESSED
WITH 2000s ROMCOMS? >> GREAT QUESTION, STEVE.
BUT FIRST, I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU.
ARE WE HAVING A MEET CUTE? >> Stephen: NO.
WE'VE MET MANY TIMES. YOU'VE WORKED FOR ME FOR LIKE
6 YEARS. >> NO!
I WORK AT AN AD AGENCY AND/OR A FASHION MAGAZINE WHERE MY JOB IS
TALKING TO MY FRIENDS ABOUT MY LOVE LIFE.
>> Stephen: ELIANA, WHAT'S HAPPENING?
>> I'M ROM-COM-CORE-ING, STEVE. I'M OBSESSED!
AND HOT. BUT NO ONE KNOWS THAT YET.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT IN A ROM COM, RIGHT?
>> ONE SEC. >> [CHEERING]
>> OKAY, NOW I'M HOT. >> Stephen: LET'S MOVE ON.
ELIANA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW? >> POTTERY WITH A HOT GHOST.
SHUT UP! >> Stephen: ELIANA,
THAT MOVIE IS FROM 1990! FOCUS!
YOU'RE NOT IN A ROM COM. I'M THE ONLY PERSON HERE,
AND I'M TWICE YOUR AGE. >> NO, YOU'RE NOT.
YOU'RE FOUR TIMES MY AGE. I MADE A WISH AT MY
13TH BIRTHDAY PARTY YESTERDAY, AND IT TRANSPORTED ME
INTO THIS ADULT BODY. >> Stephen: DON'T DO THAT.
THAT'S UPSETTING. >> ACTUALLY, THE AUDIENCE
IS SURPRISINGLY COOL WITH IT. THEY'RE ROOTING FOR US!
>> Stephen: OKAY. NO, THEY'RE NOT.
ELIANA, I BROUGHT YOU OUT HERE TO HELP ME UNDERSTAND THIS
TREND, AND -- >> SHHHHHH.
♪ ♪
♪ SILENT NIGHT, HOLY NIGHT ♪ ♪ ALL IS CALM ♪
>> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? OH, MY GOD.
IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS. IT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE.
MY WRITER, ELIANA KWARTLER, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS.
♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY! WELCOME BACK, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN. THERE YOU GO.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A SENATOR,
FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE, AND CURRENT PROGRESSIVE LEADER.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW,"
SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS. ♪ ♪
>> ♪ JUST CAN'T WAIT TO GET ON THE ROAD AGAIN ♪
♪ LIFE I LOVE IS MAKING MUSIC WITH MY FRIENDS ♪
♪ CAN'T WAIT TO GET ON THE ROAD AGAIN ♪
>> Audience: [CHANTING] BERNIE!
BERNIE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: HAPPY PRESIDENTS' DAY.
>> Senator Sanders: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
THIS IS YOUR 16TH APPEARANCE ON THE SHOW.
YES. LAST MONDAY, JOHN OLIVER WAS
HERE FOR HIS 16TH APPEARANCE. YOU GUYS ARE NECK AND NECK.
YOU HAVE BEEN TIED FOR YEARS NOW.
>> Senator Sanders: BUT I'M PULLING AHEAD?
>> Stephen: SURE. NOW, I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT OUR
CURRENT PRESIDENT, IF YOU DON'T MIND.
AFTER THE STATE OF THE UNION, DID YOU SEE THERE WAS A
"WALL STREET JOURNAL" EDITORIAL AND THIS IS W WHAT THE HEADLINEF
THE EDITORIAL WAS. "JOE BIDEN IS BERNIE SANDERS."
WAS THIS NEWS TO YOU? BECAUSE JOE BIDEN IS
BERNIE SANDERS, THAT MEANS BERNIE SANDERS IS JOE BIDEN.
IT GOES BOTH WAYS. IS JOE BIDEN BERNIE SANDERS,
BERNIE SANDERS? OR SHOULD I SAY JOE BIDEN?
>> Senator Sanders: THE PRESIDENT AND I WORK TOGETHER
AFTER THE CAMPAIGN. OUR TEAMS SAT DOWN AND SAID HOW
DO WE BRING THE CAMPAIGNS TOGETHER TO COME UP WITH AN
AGENDA THAT WORKS FOR WORKING FAMILIES?
THE END RESULT OF IT WAS I DIDN'T AGREE WITH EVERYTHING
THAT WAS THERE. HE DIDN'T AGREE WITH EVERYTHING
THAT WAS THERE BUT ESSENTIALLY PUT TOGETHER PROBABLY THE MOST
PROGRESSIVE OUTLINE THAT ANY PRESIDENT HAS INTRODUCED SINCE
FDR. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND WE HAVE DONE SOME REALLY GOOD THINGS.
THE AMERICAN RESCUE PLAN WHICH PROVIDED $1400 FOR EVERY WORKING
PERSON IN THIS COUNTRY. $350 FOR EVERY CHILD IN THIS
COUNTRY IN THE MIDST OF THE PANDEMIC AND THE ECONOMIC
COLLAPSE. WE STRENGTHENED HOSPITALS.
WE STRENGTHEN SCHOOLS. AND I THINK WHAT THAT WAS ABOUT
WAS THE PRESIDENT SAYING, YOU KNOW WHAT, WE'RE GOING TO DO THE
RIGHT THING FOR WORKING FAMILES.
I AM VERY PROUD OF THAT BILL. [APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: I FEEL A "BUT" COMING.
>> Senator Sanders: END. AND WE ATTEMPTED TO PASS BUILD
BACK BETTER WHICH WOULD HAVE BEEN TRANSFORMATIVE FOR THE
WORKING CLASS IN THIS COUNTRY. WOULD'VE FINALLY ADDRESS THE
CRISIS IN CHILD CARE. WE WOULD'VE MADE COMMUNITY
COLLEGES TUITION FREE. WE WOULD'VE HAVE THE WEALTHIEST
PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY STARTING TO PAY THEIR FAIR SHARE OF TAX
TAXES. YOU KNOW, WE WOULD HAVE EXPANDED
MEDICARE FOR THE ELDERLY TO COVER DENTAL, HEARING, AND
VISION. WE WOULD HAVE FINALLY ADDRESSED
THE MAJOR HOUSING CRISIS IN THIS COUNTRY AND THE ISSUE OF
HOMELESSNESS. SO IT WAS A GREAT BILL.
BUT UNFORTUNATELY WE HAD ZERO REPUBLICAN SUPPORT AND TWO
CORPORATE DEMOCRATS DID NOT SUPPORT IT AND WE FAILED ON THAT
ONE. BUT I HAVE TO SAY, THE PRESIDENT
WAS ONBOARD FOR ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT PIECES OF LEGISLATION
IN THE MODERN HISTORY OF THIS COUNTRY.
SO I WAS PROUD TO HAVE WORKED WITH HIM ON THAT.
[APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: YOU HAVE SAID THAT
IF PRESIDENT BIDEN DECLARES OFFICIALLY THAT HE'S RUNNING IN
2024, THAT YOU WOULD NOT RUN IN 2024.
LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOING TO RUN. DON'T KNOW YET BUT IT'S LOOKING
HEAVILY THAT WAY. ARE YOU GOING TO RUN FOR SENATE
AGAIN? YOU ARE UP IN 2024.
>> Senator Sanders: WELL, I'VE GOT A LITTLE WHILE TO MAKE THAT
DETERMINATION I'LL MAKE IT AT THE APPROPRIATE TIME.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A DEADLINE FOR YOURSELF?
A YEAR FROM NOW. >> Senator Sanders: NOT
REALLY. PEOPLE HAVE KNOWN ME AND WE HAVE
A PRETTY GOOD RELATIONSHIP. AT THE APPROPRIATE TIME, WE'LL
LET THEM KNOW. >> Stephen: MM-HMM.
>> Senator Sanders: THAT'S IT. >> Stephen: YOU ANSWERED THAT.
YOU ANSWER THAT LIKE A BOYFRIEND BEING ASKED WHERE THIS
RELATIONSHIP IS GOING. YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU,
DARLING. AT THE APPROPRIATE TIME, I'LL
TELL YOU. WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS,
EVERYBODY. STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.&
WE ARE BACK HERE WITH THE AUTHOR OF "IT'S OK TO BE ANGRY ABOUT
CAPITALISM," SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS.
NIKKI HALEY THIS PAST WEEK AND HER ANNOUNCEMENT SPEECH, I THINK
THAT HER VIDEO BUT HER ANNOUNCEMENT SPEECH, SHE SAID
SHE THINKS THE PRESIDENCY -- SHE WANTS A COMPETENCY TEST FOR
ALL FEDERAL CANDIDATES OVER THE AGE OF 75.
WHICH WOULD INCLUDE YOURSELF, THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE
PRESENT PRESIDENT AND MANY OTHER PEOPLE IN THE SENATE AND THE
HOUSE. WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THAT CALL?
>> Senator Sanders: LOOK, WE HAVE COME, STEPHEN, A VERY LONG
WAY IN THE LAST DECADES IN FIGHTING RACISM HERE WE'VE GOT A
LONG WAY TO GO. FIGHTING SEXISM.
FIGHTING HOMOPHOBIA. I THINK WHAT SHE IS SAYING IS
NOTHING MORE THAN OLD-FASHIONED AAGEISM.
I KNOW PEOPLE WHO ARE 90 WHO ARE AS SHARP AS A TACK AND I KNOW
PEOPLE WHO ARE 40... YOU GOT TO PROD THEM A LITTLE
BIT. I THINK THE BOTTOM LINE IS,
VOTERS JUDGE PEOPLE BASED ON THEIR CONFIDENCE, THEIR
CONFIDENCE, THEIR VIEWS, THERE ARE A THOUSAND FACTORS.
BUT TO SIMPLY SAY THAT IF SOMEBODY IS 75 ARE OLDER THEY
NEED SOME KIND OF TEST, I THINK THAT IS JUST AGEISM.
NOT ACCEPTABLE. >> Stephen: AND IT WOULD BE
IMPOSSIBLE TO ACTUALLY CREATE BECAUSE THE CONSTITUTION LAYS
OUT WHAT THE QUALIFICATIONS ARE. YOU WOULD NEED A CONSTITUTIONAL
AMENDMENT. >> Senator Sanders: SOME OF
THESE GUYS DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE CONSTITUTION TOO MUCH.
>> Stephen: IS IT STILL OKAY IF I MAKE JOKES ABOUT HOW
TRANSLUCENT-WIDE PAIL JOE BIDEN IS OR HOW MUCH YOU LIKE SOUP
>> Senator Sanders: MAYBE WE
SHOULD CANCEL HIM. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> Stephen: IT WOULD NOT BE THE FIRST TIME.
THREE TIMES A CHARM. YOU HAVE A NEW ROLL AS CHAIRMAN
OF THE SENATE HEALTH EDUCATION LABOR AND PENSIONS COMMITTEE,
ALSO KNOWN AS THE HELP COMMI COMMITTEE.
DRUG COMPANIES ARE A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT CHAIRMAN
BERNIE SANDERS. SHOULD THEY BE WORRIED AND WHO
WILL SHOULD WATCH THEIR BACK? >> Senator Sanders: THEY
SHOULD BE VERY WORRIED. YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.
>> Senator Sanders: I CAN GIVE YOU A MILLION EXAMPLES.
THEY ARE RIPPING OFF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE BIG TIME.
>> Stephen: HOW ABOUT MODERNA WANTING TO RAISE THE PRICE.
>> Senator Sanders: THAT'S ONE CASE.
THAT VACCINE WAS DEVELOPED IN COOPERATION WITH THE NIH,
NATIONAL INSTITUTE OF HEALTH, WITH TAXPAYER DOLLARS.
WE WORKED ON IT TOGETHER. SECOND OF ALL THE TAXPAYERS OF
THIS COUNTRY BUT $1.9 BILLION INTO THE CLINICAL TRIALS TO MAKE
THAT VACCINE A SUCCESS. YOU'VE GOT THE VACCINE ON THE
MARKET. GOVERNMENT GUARANTEED A CERTAIN
AMOUNT OF SALES. IN TWO YEARS, THE GUY WHO IS
HEAD OF THAT COMPANY, HE HAS MADE $5 BILLION.
>> Stephen: HIM PERSONALLY? >> Senator Sanders: YEAH.
>> Senator Sanders: HIS ASSISTANT MADE 2 BILLION.
2 BILLION, THEIR LEADERSHIP THERE MADE ABOUT $11 BILLION.
AND THEN AFTER ALL OF THAT, AND REMEMBER THIS IS IN THE MIDST OF
A PANDEMIC OR OVER A MILLION PEOPLE DIED THEN AND AFTER THAT
THEY SAID WELL, WHEN THE GOVERNMENT RESERVED THE VACCINE
EXPIRES, WE ARE GOING TO QUADRUPLE THE PRICE OF THE
VACCINE. SO THIS IS CORPORATE GREED AT
ITS WORST. >> Stephen: WHAT CAN YOU DO?
>> Senator Sanders: WELL, WE CAN DO A LOT OF THINGS BUT FOR A
STARTER TURNS OUT THAT ON THE DAY THAT WE ANNOUNCED
MR. STEPHANE BANCEL'S GOING TO COME BEFORE THE COMMITTEE, JUST
COINCIDENTALLY THEY ANNOUNCED THAT THEY WERE GOING TO MAKE THE
VACCINE AVAILABLE FOR FREE TO PEOPLE.
BUT IN ADDITION TO THAT, MEDICARE AND MEDICAID SHOULD NOT
HAVE TO SPEND BILLIONS FOR THE VACCINE.
LOOK, THE BOTTOM LINE IS, I THINK MOST AMERICANS KNOW YEAR
AFTER YEAR THE PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY MAKES TENS OF BILLIONS
OF DOLLARS. THEY PAY THEIR CEOs OUTRAGEOUS
COMPENSATION PACKAGES AND MEANWHILE, WE PAY BY FAR THE
HIGHEST PRICES IN THE WORLD. STEPHEN, I'VE TAKEN PEOPLE OVER
THE CANADIAN BORDER TO BUY INSULIN PRODUCTS FOR ONE-TENTH
OF THE PRICE IN CANADA COMPARED TO THE UNITED STATES.
THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY WHO ARE DYING BECAUSE THEY
CANNOT AFFORD THE PRESCRIPTION DRUGS.
AND THESE GUYS KEEP RAISING THEIR PRICES.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE ANOTHER BREAK, BUT STICK AROUND.
MORE BERNIE SANDERS AHEAD.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
LOOK HERE, IT'S THE AUTHOR OF "IT'S OK TO BE ANGRY ABOUT
CAPITALISM," SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THE TRAGEDY IN EAST PALESTINE OHIO.
THERE WERE SOME REGULATIONS THAT WERE PUT INTO PLACE UNDER THE
OBAMA ADMINISTRATION. THEY MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE HAD ANY
EFFECT IN THIS CASE BUT THEY WERE DEFINITELY ROLLED BACK
DURING THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION, AFTER HEAVY LOBBYING FROM
NORFOLK SOUTHERN AND OTHER RAILROADS, WHAT IS HAPPENING
WHEN SOMETHING SO EGREGIOUS CAN HAPPEN WHEN STEPS HAD BEEN TAKEN
TO TRY TO END IT. WHAT ROLL DOES THE GOVERNMENT
HAVE HERE IN THE FACE OF THIS KIND OF CORPORATE MONEY
SPREADING AMONG CONGRESS? WHAT CAN WE DO TO STOP THAT?
>> Senator Sanders: THE RAILROADS IN PARTICULAR?
>> Senator Sanders: THEY ARE US CONNECT KEY FOR PROBLEM.
>> Senator Sanders: THIS IS WHAT THE BOOK IS ABOUT.
WE LIVE IN A SYSTEM -- >> Stephen: THE BOOK, BY THE
WAY."IT'S OK TO BE ANGRY ABOUT CAPITALISM."
BERNIE SANDERS. >> Senator Sanders: LOOK, IT
SADDENS ME TO SAY IT BUT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE UNDERSTAND IT.
WE HAVE A CORRUPT POLITICAL SYSTEM IN WHICH MONEY, BIG MONEY
BUYS ELECTIONS. BILLIONAIRES RIGHT NOW THROUGH
SUPER PACs, CAN SPEND AS MUCH MONEY AS THEY WANT, TENS OF
MILLIONS. HUNDREDS OF BILLIONS OF DOLLARS
TO ELECT CANDIDATES WHO THEY WANT TO REPRESENT THEIR
INTERESTS. AND WHEN YOU HAVE A CORRUPT
POLITICAL SYSTEM, GOING BACK TO THE DRUG COMPANIES, YOU KNOW HOW
MANY PAID LOBBYISTS THEY HAVE IN WASHINGTON, D.C.?
THEY'VE GOT 1700. CAN YOU IMAGINE?
FORMER LEADERS OF THE REPBLICAN PARTY, THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY,
1700 FOR 535 MEMBERS OF CONGRESS.
THAT'S WHY YOU PAY THE HIGHEST PRICES IN THE WORLD FOR
PRESCRIPTION DRUGS. THE RAILROADS MADE
RECORD-BREAKING PROFITS. NOT ONLY DID WE HAVE A WHOLE LOT
OF DERAILMENTS IN THIS COUNTRY RIGHT NOW, BUT IN ADDITION TO
THAT, DESPITE THEIR RECORD-BREAKING PROFITS, THEY
COULD NOT AFFORD TO PROVIDE RAIL WORKERS WITH ONE PAID SICK DAY.
CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT? THESE GUYS DO DANGEROUS WORK IN
ALL KINDS OF WEATHER. IN THE RAIL INDUSTRY COULDN'T
GIVE THEM ONE DAY. WE HAVE HAD SOME SUCCESS.
ONE OF THE COMPANIES IS NOW GIVING THEM FOUR DAYS.
WE HOPE THE OTHER COMPANIES WILL DO THE SAME.
BUT ALL OF THIS SPEAKS TO THE INCREDIBLE LEVEL OF CORPORATE
GREED THAT YOU SEE ALL OVER THE PLACE.
INSURANCE COMPANIES MAKE HUGE AMOUNTS OF MONEY.
85 MILLION PEOPLE CANNOT AFFORD HEALTH CARE DESPITE THE FACT WE
ARE SPENDING TWICE AS MUCH FOR HEALTH CARE IS A MOST ANY OTHER
COUNTRY. SO THE ISSUE IS, IS CORPORATE
GREED THE ISSUE? OLIGARCHY.
>> Stephen: IN THE BOOK YOU SAY, YOU SAY WE NEED A NEW SENSE
OF MORALITY. >> Senator Sanders: YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? LOOK AMONG OUR CORPORATIONS, OUR
GOVERNMENT? >> Senator Sanders: AS A
NATION. FOR EXAMPLE, IS IT ACCEPTABLE
THAT WE HAVE, IN THE RICHEST COUNTRY ON EARTH, THE HIGHEST
RATE OF CHILDHOOD POVERTY? IS IT ACCEPTABLE THAT TODAY,
YOU'VE GOT THREE PEOPLE WHO OWN MORE WEALTH ON THE BOTTOM HALF
OF AMERICAN SOCIETY AND WE HAVE MORE INCOME AND WEALTH
INEQUALITY TODAY THAN PROBABLY EVER IN AMERICAN HISTORY.
>> Stephen: LITERALLY THREE PEOPLE.
>> Senator Sanders: LITERALLY THREE PEOPLE.
SOMEBODY GOES IN AND SHOOT SOMEBODY AND EVERYBODY SAYS IT'S
A CRIMINAL. PUT THEM IN JAIL.
I GOT THAT. I AGREE.
WHAT ABOUT A CEO IN A DRUG COMPANY WAS AS YOU KNOW WHAT, I
THINK WE CAN GET AWAY WITH RAISING THE COST OF INSULIN BY
ANOTHER 20%. BUT SOMEBODY MAY DIE.
WELL. IT'S A BUSINESS DECISION.
WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.
WHAT ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE? DO YOU ALL KNOW THAT FOR THE
LAST 50, 60 YEARS, THE FOSSIL FUEL INDUSTRY KNEW EXACTLY WHAT
WAS HAPPENING. THEY KNEW THAT CARBON EMISSIONS
WERE DESTROYING THE PLANET. THAT'S WHAT THEIR SCIENTIST TOLD
THEM. DO YOU THINK THEY CAME FORWARD
AND SAID "OH, MY GOD. WE ARE ENDANGERING THE PLANETS
PART OF GOD TO SHIFT AWAY FROM FOSSIL FUELS."
NO. THEY LIED.
>> Stephen: COULD THAT LEAD TO
A CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT? >> Senator Sanders: IT SHOULD.
EXACTLY. >> Stephen: I ENJOY GETTING
ANGRY WITH YOU ABOUT CAPITALISM. BUT IF PEOPLE WANT TO CONTINUE
TO KNOW HOW TO BE ANGRY ABOUT CAPITALISM, THEY HAVE TO GET THE
BOOK, "IT'S OK TO BE ANGRY ABOUT CAPITALISM."
WE'VE GOT TO GO UNFORTUNATELY. SENATOR, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> Senator Sanders: THANK YOU. >> Stephen: BERNIE SANDERS,
EVERYBODY. IT'S AVAILABLE NOW.
>> Stephen: PERFORMING "HEART ON FIRE" FROM HER ALBUM "NO
THANK YOU" WITH THE HARLEM GOSPEL CHOIR, THE B STRING
QUARTET AND THE "THE LATE SHOW" BAND, LITTLE SIMZ.
♪ ♪ >> ♪ LOOK ♪
♪ HONESTY BETWEEN A SELLER AND A BUYER SHOULD BE A GIVEN ♪
♪ BUT MAN, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A LIAR ♪
♪ DROPPED OUT OF COLLEGE, STILL I MADE IT THROUGH
THE WIRE ♪ ♪ WE WAS TRYNA HUSTLE WHATEVER
WAS TEN JUST FOR A FIVER ♪ ♪ "DON'T SELL YOURSELF SHORT,
MISS," SAID THE DRIVER ♪ ♪ WAS ON MY WAY TO GETTING
CAUGHT IN A CROSSFIRE ♪ ♪ I MEAN, LAVISH LIVING,
DRIPPING DESIGNER ♪ ♪ "WHO YOU WEARING?"
THERE'S SOMEONE CHARTING MY ATTIRE ♪
♪ HEART'S ON FIRE I BOUGHT THE DREAM WITH EVERY
PENNY THAT I ACQUIRED ♪ ♪ IT'S A SET-UP, AND YOU'LL BE
NEXT UP TO THOSE PRIOR ♪ ♪ THE DEVIL WORKS HARD, BUT THE
BUSINESS WORKS HARDER ♪ ♪ I'VE VOWED FROM NOW
TO WORK SMARTER ♪ ♪ THEY WON'T DO IT LIKE US
FOR THE PEOPLE, BY US ♪ ♪ WHY THEY WANNA FIGHT?
OUR SPIRIT ON HIGHER ♪ ♪ GOD MADE TRUTH OF EVERYTHING
I DESIRE ♪ ♪ I DON'T NEED MUCH, AS LONG AS
I GOT MY BABY, HE A RIDER ♪ ♪ HE SITTIN' BESIDE HER,
THAT'S WHO SHE CONFIDE IN ♪ ♪ THEY WANT YOU CONNIVING,
CREEPING WITH YOUR SIDE TING ♪ ♪ MAKING UP A STORY THAT EQUALS
SOMEBODY BUYING ♪ ♪ NEW WORLD ORDER
♪ 'CAUSE LIFE AS WE KNOW IS DYING ♪
♪ NOT THRIVING, IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIMING
AIN'T IT ♪ ♪ FUNNY HOW YOU CAN LITERALLY
GIVE YOUR EVERYTHING ♪ ♪ SOMEBODY GONNA TURN AROUND
AND TELL YOU YOU AIN'T GAVE ENOUGH? ♪
♪ DANGER, WHAT YOU AFRAID OF? ♪ ♪ ACKNOWLEDGING IT'S IMPOSSIBLE
NOW TO RESTRAIN HER ♪ ♪ WORST THING I COULD'VE DONE
IS PUT TRUST IN A STRANGER ♪ ♪ BUT THAT NEEDED TO HAPPEN
FOR ME ONLY TO WAKE UP ♪ ♪ THE SUITS'LL GET IN YOUR EAR,
IN YOUR THINGS ♪ ♪ POPPING LIES OVER FLOWING, AND
THEY AIN'T STOPPING ♪ ♪ YOU DON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE WHO
IT IS THAT YOU'RE BECOMING ♪ ♪ THEY DON'T GIVE A DAMN,
LONG AS THE GRAVY TRAIN RUNNING ♪ MY LIFE IS A BLESSING ♪
♪ BUT IT COMES WITH THE STRESSES ♪
♪ AND I CAN TAKE IT ALL ♪ ♪ JUST DON'T LET ME DOWN
WHEN I'M IN THE FIRE ♪ ♪ WE ALL START OFF SO PURE ♪
♪ DO IT FOR THE LOVE, NOTHING MORE ♪
♪ NAH, MAYBE TO COP MUM A HOUSE, BUT NOTHING MORE ♪
♪ MAYBE TO SORT MY COUSIN OUT, BUT NOTHING MORE ♪
♪ MAYBE I'LL GET THE NEW COUPE NOTHING MORE ♪
♪ FIFTEEN TO A HUNDRED SHOES, NOTHING MORE ♪
♪ BY THE TIME YOU KNOW IT, THAT LIST NEVER STOP GROWING ♪
♪ AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU EVEN DO THIS FOR ♪
♪ MY HEART'S ON FIRE HEART'S ON GRANDEUR ♪
♪ BALLROOM GOWNS AND CHAMPAGNE POURS ♪
♪ IS THE AFTERPARTY A SOCIAL PARTY? ♪
♪ WITH EVERYBODY TALKING ♪ THE MUSIC SHOULD'VE BEEN
PAUSED ♪ ♪ MARBLE FLOORS
♪ AND TALL GLASS DOORS IS WHAT YOU'RE IN FOR ♪
♪ DID YOU READ THE CLAUSE? ♪ ♪ IT WAS NEVER ABOUT
LOOKING FOR RESULTS ♪ EVERY TIME
YOU DO SOMETHING YOU NEED AN APPLAUSE ♪
♪ PLEASE KEEP YOUR HEAD ON WHEN YOU'RE GOING THROUGH THE MAZE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE NAVIGATING THE FAME IS SOMETHING YOU NEVER
TRAINED FOR ♪ WHAT YOU CAME FOR ♪
♪ WANTED BETTER DAYS, AND NOW, YOU'RE RUNNING AWAY FROM ♪
♪ THAT VERY THING YOU PRAYED FOR ♪
AM I TRIPPING OR IS THE LIGHT BLINDING? ♪
♪ AM I ANXIOUS OR EXCITED? ♪
♪ AM I CALM OR AM I UNBOTHERED? ♪
♪ OR MAYBE, I NEEDED MY FIRE TO BE IGNITED? ♪
♪ HEARTS ON ♪ ♪ MY LIFE IS A BLESSING ♪
♪ BUT IT COMES WITH THE STRESSES ♪
♪ AND I CAN TAKE IT ALL ♪ ♪ BUT JUST DON'T LET ME DOWN
WHEN I'M IN THE FIRE ♪ THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> Stephen: LITTLE SIMZ, EVERYBODY.
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." TOMORROW, PINK IN THE NEW ANT
MAN AND CREATE A MOVIE STAR, JONATHAN MAJORS.
GOOD NIGHT. [GROWLY GULP]