FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DeSANTIS SIGNED A LAW STRIPPING DISNEY
WORLD OF ITS CONTROL OVER A SELF-GOVERNING SPECIAL TAX
DISTRICT IN THE STATE. THE MOVE GIVES THE REPUBLICAN
GOVERNOR CONTROL OF THE BOARD THAT OVERSEES DEVELOPMENT OF THE
RESORT'S PROPERTIES. THE MOVE IS SEEN AS PUNISHMENT
AFTER THE COMPANY OPPOSED DeSANTIS' SO CALLED
"DON'T SAY GAY" LAW. WE HERE AT DISNEY PARKS HAVE
RECEIVED OUR MARCHING ORDERS AND ARE THRILLED TO ANNOUNCE UPDATES
TO OUR NEWLY DEWOKE-IFIED MAGIC KINGDOM.
VISIT THE HALL OF PRESIDENTS PARTS OF AMERICAN HISTORY RON'S
SUPPORTERS DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT.
I'M ABRAHAM LINCOLN. I ESTABLISHED THE DEPARTMENT OF
THAT'S IT. AND VISIT THE ANIMAL KINGDOM
WHERE GUESTS CAN NOW HUNT. AND THAT'S NOT ALL.
TO MAKE IT OVERTLY APPARENT WHICH GENDER EACH OF OUR PARK
CHARACTERS IS, WE HAVE UPDATED THEIR COSTUMES WITH REALISTIC
PLUS, WE DON'T TALK ABOUT BRUNO BECAUSE HE WAS FORCED ONTO A
PLANE AND SHIPPED OFF TO MART VINEYARD.
DeSANTIS' WORLD. IT'S SUPERCALIFRAGILISTIC
EXPIALI-FASCIST. Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE
SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." TONIGHT...
FOR FOX SAKE! FIRST, STEPHEN WELCOMES...
KAL PENN AND MUSICAL GUEST
BIG THIEF. FEATURING LOUIS CATO
AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND. AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE
FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY,
IT'S STEPEN COLBERT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Stephen: HAPPY THURSDAY.
HEY, EVERYBODY. HAPPY TUESDAY, EVERYBODY.
UP HERE, DOWN HERE. THANKS, EVERYBODY.
PLEASE HAVE A SEAT. WELCOME,
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. IT'S MY JOB, HERE ARE TALKING
ABOUT WHAT EVERYBODY WAS TALKING ABOUT TODAY BUT IT WAS A VERY
STRANGE NEWS DAY, FULL PEOPLE. WHICH IS WHY WE'VE
ENTITLED TONIGHT'S MONOLOGUE THE LATE SHOW'S
"OOPS! EXHIBIT A-HOLE,
FOX NEWS CHAIRMAN AND CORPSE DRAGGED FROM THE SEA,
RUPERT MURDOCH. LAST MONTH, MURDOCH SAT DOWN FOR
A DEPOSITION AS PART OF DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS' $1.6 BILLION
LAWSUIT AGAINST FOX NEWS, AND HE ADMITTED UNDER OATH THAT
ELECTION LIES WERE KNOWINGLY ENDORSED BY FOX HOSTS
SEAN HANNITY, JEANINE PIRRO, LOU DOBBS, AND MARIA BARTIROMO.
COLLECTIVELY KNOWN AS "DUMB, DUMBER, DUMBEST,
AND SEAN HANNITY." [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AS A WHOLE HAD ENDORSED THE STOLEN ELECTION NARRATIVE,
HE REPLIED, "NOT FOX, NO.
NOT FOX."UT IF YOUR MOST VIEWEDS ENDORSED IT,
THEN YOUR NETWORK ENDORSED IT. I'D LIKE TO SEE
THIS GUY IN A MURDER TRIAL. "DID I STAB THAT FELLA?
NO! I MEAN, MY HAND DID,
BUT HE'S AN INDEPENDENT CONTRACTOR.
GOOD JOB, HAND. JUST LIKE WE PLANNED IT."
HERE'S THE THING. WHEN ASKED ABOUT
PEOPLE LIKE SEAN HANNITY ENDORSING THESE
ELECTION LIES, MURDOCH ADMITTED THAT HE COULD HAVE STOPPED THEM
BUT DIDN'T. BECAUSE
CASH. LI WERE ABOUT THE BOTTOM-LINE.
CASE IN POINT: HE DIDN'T STOP HIS VIEWERS FROM HEARING
DOMINION CONSPIRACIES FROM FOX NEWS SPONSOR AND MYPILLOW
CEO MIKE LINDELL, SEE HERE RECEIVING THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
FROM A WENDY'S SIGN. YES.
BIGGIE GOD. BIGGIE DRINK, BIGGIE FRY.
MURDOCH EXPLAINED THAT DECISION WASN'T POLITICAL, IT WAS
A BUSINESS DECISION, ADDING "IT IS NOT RED OR BLUE.
IT'S GREEN," WHICH IS ALSO WHAT THE NURSE SCREAMED AT HIS
LAST UROLOGY EXAM. EVEN THE FORMER PRESIDENT
WAS SHOCKED BY THIS STORY. THE FORMER PRESIDENT TOOK TO HIS
FAKE SOCIAL MEDIA SITE TO ASK "WHY IS
RUPERT MURDOCH THROWING HIS ANCHORS UNDER THE TABLE,"
OKAY, THAT'S NOT AN EXPRESSION. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY:
"THE SQUEAKY WHEEL GETS THE HOSE AGAIN,"
AND "NOBODY PUTS BA IN A BLENDER!"
THE DOMINION LAWSUIT IS A MASSIVE STORY,
WHICH IS WHY FOX NEWS ISN'T COVERING IT.
IN FACT, IF YOU GO TO THEIR WEBSITE AND SEARCH T
TWO MONTHS FOR THE WORDS "DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS,"
YOU DON'T GET A SINGLE ARTICLE. YOU JUST GET A PAGE THAT SAYS
"ERROR 404: JOURNALISM NOT FOUND."
SO IF, IF... THERE YOU GO.
PRETTY QUICK. THERE ARE ANY FOX VIEWERS
WATCHING THIS-- FIRST OFF,
I ASSUME YOU'RE LOOKING FOR REMOTE BATTERIES.
TRY THE JUNK DRAWER IN THE KITCHEN.
SECOND, YOU SHOULD KNOW A FEW THINGS ABOUT FOX THAT IT ISN'T
TELLING YOU. FOX NEWS IS BEING SUED FOR
DEFAMATION BECAUSE THEIR HOSTS ENDORSED LIES ABOUT THE
2020 ELECTION, WHILE THEIR TEXT MESSAGES
TO EACH OTHER PROVE THEY KNEW JOE BIDEN WON
FAIR AND SQUARE. AND THEIR GUESTS TALKING ABOUT
STEALING THE ELECTION WERE ALL CRAZY LIARS.
ALSO, NO ONE CAN INVENT A PILLOW!
úTHEY ALREADY EXISTED! SPEAKING OF BIG DUMB A-HOLES,
THERE'S NEWS ABOUT FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DESANTIS,
SEEN HERE GETTING KICKED IN THE FLORIDA KEYS.
DESANTIS IS ALMOST CERTAINLY GONNA RUN FOR PRESIDENT
IN 2024, SO TO PUMP UP THE RON-CITEMENT, TODAY HE RELEASED
A MEMOIR. "THE COURAGE TO BE FREE."
A TITLE SO POLITICALIC THAT I HAVE ALREADY
FORGOTTEN IT. WHAT WAS IT AGAIN?
OH, RIGHT. "THE BRAVERY TO BE FLAG."
RON DeSANTIS' MAIN GOAL: MAKE AMERICA FLORIDA.
NO, UH-UH.
NO. WE ALREADY HAVE ONE!
ACTUALLY TWO, IF YOU COUNT ARIZONA.
AND PARTS OF LONG ISLAND. BUT SURE, MAKE THE UNITED STATES
MORE LIKE FLORIDA. 41ST IN LITERACY,
4TH IN TOTAL STD CASES, AND NUMBER 1 IN UNPLANNED
JET-SKI PREGNANCIES. USE PROTECTION
BEFORE YOU JET-SKI. DESANTIS WRITES WITH SUBTLE
LITERARY TOUCH ABOUT HIS BELOVED STATE, SAYING,
"IN A WORLD THAT HAS INCREASINGLY GONE MAD,
FLORIDA IS A BEACHHEAD OF SANITY."
"FLORIDA IS A CITADEL OF FREEDOM IN A WORLD GONE MAD,"
AND "FLORIDA IS A REDOUBT OF SANITY WHERE WOKE IDEOLOGY
GOES TO DIE." I'M GONNA FACT CHECK YA THERE,
GOVERNOR. FLORIDA IS A MADHOUSE OF
DOUBTFUL SANITY WHERE EVERYONE GOES TO DIE.
EVENTUALLY. IN HIS BOOK, WHICH AGAIN,
IS TITLED, "THE FREEDOM TO BE HAMBURGER,"
DESANTIS WRITES ABOUT HOW HIS PARENTS CAME FROM "GRITTY,
WORKING-CLASS, GOD-FEARING" TOWNS IN OHIO AND PENNSYLVANIA,
WHICH HE CLAIMS GIVES HIM RUST BELT VALUES.
YOU GREW UP IN FLORIDA! THIS GUY IS SO THIRSTY
FOR APPROVAL FROM THE HEARTLAND. "MY PARENTS WERE FROM
THE RUST BELT. MY UNCLE MARRIED A STEEL BEAM!
MY COUSINS ARE CORN." BUT DESANTIS IS PROUD OF HIS
BOOK, "THE BIG TREE I SAW." MY FAVORITE.
AS HE TOLD HIS BUDDIES I ACTUALLY WROTE IT.
I THINK IT COMES ACROSS AS MORE AUTHENTIC BECAUSE IT IS ME
WRITING THIS. Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
EVERY WORD IS PURE, UNCUT DESANTIS, WHEN YOU READ
"THE COMMITMENT TO EAT CRAYONS." YOU REALIZE IT'S ALL STRAIGHT
FROM HIS BRAIN. OR AS THE NEW YORK TIMES
DESCRIBED IT, A CULTURE WAR MAD LIBS THAT CAN'T DISTRACT
FROM THE DULL COLDNESS AT ITS CORE, AND COURAGEOUSLY FREE
OF ANYTHING THAT RESEMBLES CHARISMA, OR A DISCERNIBLE SENSE
OF HUMOR. OKAY, OKAY, THAT'S NOT FAIR!
OKAY, NO. THAT'S NOT FAIR!
IF HE DIDN'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR, WHY WOULD HE TITLE
HIS BOOK "HOW DO THEY FOLD THE PRETZELS?"
I LIKE THAT ONE TOO. A CHUNK OF DESANTIS'S BOOK
IS ABOUT HIS WHOLE DUST-UP WITH DISNEY.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED. LAST YEAR, DESANTIS PASSED HIS
ANTI-LGBTQ "DON'T SAY GAY" LAW, AND WHEN DISNEY SPOKE OUT
AGAINST IT, HE PUNISHED THEM BY THE STATE CONTROL OVER DISNEY'S
ORLANDO THEME PARKS. NOW, ON SOME LEVEL,
THAT DOE SENSE. A THEME PARK SHOULDN'T GET
TO HAVE ITS OWN GOVERNMENT JUST BECAUSE PEOPLE WALK AROUND
IN FUNNY COSTUMES. ALL RIGHT.
WE ALREADY HAVE VATICAN CITY FOR THAT.
BUT THE JOKE WAS ON DESANTIS, BECAUSE, IT TURNS OUT, HIS LAW
COULD HAVE MADE DISNEY'S BILLS A BURDEN ON LOCAL TAXPAYERS.
SO DESANTIS HAD TO BACKTRACK. HE SIGNED A NEW BILL THAT LEAVES
DISNEY IN CHARGE OF PAYING LOCAL TAXES, BUT TO OVERSEE THE
DEVELOPMENT AREA, IT APPOINTS A BOARD OF DESANTIS CRONIES,
LIKE ONE OF THE PROPONENTS BEHIND THE "DON'T SAY LL,
A BUSINESSMAN WHO RUNS A RIGHT-WING AN MINISTRY,
AN ATTORNEY WHO RUNS THE ORLANDO CHAPTER OF THE FEDERALIST
SOCIETY, AND THE HUNTERO SHOT B. NOW, DESANTIS PUT ON HIS SMUG
FACE AND DEFENDED HIS NEW BILL AT A PRESSER.
TODAY THE CORPORATE KINGDOM FINALLY COMES TO AN END.
THERE'S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN AND ACCOUNTABILITY WILL BE THE
ORDER OF THE DAY. Stephen: YES, THE KIND OF
ACCOUNTABILITY THT THE CORE OF HIS BOOK,
"I PUKED IN THE TEA CUPS." IT'S BEEN OVER TWO YEARS SINCE
THE JANUARY 6TH RIOT, AND THE GOVERNMENT IS STILL
ROUNDING UP THE PERPETRATORS. YESTERDAY, THE FBI FINALLY
NABBED ONE THEY WERE LOOKING
FOR, A RIOTER NICKNAMED SEDITION PANDA, BECAUSE
HE WORE A GIANT PANDA HEAD WHILE BREACHING THE CAPITOL
BUILDING. LET'S CHECK HIM OUT.
THERE YA GO. LOOKING LIKE A ROADIE
FOR THE BAND AT CHUCK E. CHEESE.
YESTERDAY, SEDITION PANDA WAS ARRESTED IN, NO SURPRISE,
FLORIDA. THERE YA GO.
SO WHEN RON DESANTIS SAYS "MAKE AMERICA FLORIDA,"
THIS IS WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT. THAT'S WHY HE CALLED HIS BOOK
"A PANDA WITH A PLANDA." WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW
FR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUEST IS KAL PENN,
I ALSO GET TO GIVE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT
TO A YOUNG MAN NAMED PRINCE HARRY.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL TELL YOU WHICH OF THE LATEST DATING
TRENDS MAKE ME HAPPIEST THAT I AM ER SINGLE.
JOIN US.
♪ ♪ Stephen: WELCOME BACK.
SAY HELLO TO THE BAND, EVERY EVERYBODY.
THERE YOU GO. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TONIGHT
WE'VE GOT SOME AMAZING, LOVELY GUESTS.
GOT ACTOR KAL PENN WILL BE OUT HERE IN JUST A LITTLE WHILE.
BEFORE KAL GETS OUT HERE, WE HAVE A LITTLE REVISITED WITH OUR
FRIEND, THE DUKE OF SUSSEX. IS THAT WHO IT IS?
PRINCE HARRY IS GOING TO BE TAKING THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT
RIGHT THERE TONIGHT. HE WILL BE REVEALED BEFORE THE
WORLD. IN WAYS THAT HIS 400 PAGE BOOK
HAS NOT YET DONE. FOLKS, WE ALL KNOW
MODERN COURTSHIP STANDARDS ARE HARD TO KEEP UP WITH.
THAT'S WHY, WHEN YOU WANT THE LATEST NEWS IN YOUNG PEOPLE'S
DATING TRENDS, YOU TURN TO A 58-YEAR-OLD MAN WHO'S BEEN
MARRIED FOR 30 YEARS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ALL THINGS ROMANCE INPLAIN- MY SEXY SEGMENT,
"ROMANSPLAINING WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
Stephen: FIRST UP, FOLKS, THE KEY TO A HAPPY
MARRIAGE MAY BE SEPARATION. ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY,
ONE IN FIVE COUPLES SLEEP IN SEPARATE BEDROOMS
IN SOMETHING CALLED DIVORCE."
OF COURSE, THE TOUGHEST PART IS WHEN YOU HAVE TO BREAK IT
TO THE PILLOWS. "IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
MOMMY AND DADDY STILL LOVE EACH OTHER, BUT DADDY WON'T
NEXT UP, VALENTINE'S DAY WAS TWO WEEKS AGO AND I THINK IT
MIGHT'VE GONE BADLY FOR SOME GUYS BECAUSE THE SURVEY FOUND
THAT 42% OF U.S. MEN HAD PLANNED TO USE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE
TO WRITE THEIR VALENTINES NOTE. THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
THERE'S NO WAY A.I. CAN MATCH THE HEARTFELT SINCERITY OF
GRABBED AT CVS ON YOUR WAY HOME FROM WORK.
ALTHOUGH WE ACTUALLY HAVE ONE OF THE A.I. GENERATED CARDS.
"ROSES ARE RED, AND THAT IS SURPRISING.
NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE ROBOT UPRISING.
GOODBYE!" NEXT...
NEXT UP, THERE'S A NEW TIKTOK TREND CALLED
"HOME DEPOT DATING," WHERE SINGLE WOMEN ARE SHOPPING
FOR "HUSBAND MATERIAL" AT THE HOME IMPROVEMENT STORE
IN THE HOPES THEY'LL FIND A SOUL MATE
BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING WE ASSOCIATE WITH HOME DEPOT,
IT'S BEING ABLE TO FIND WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.
ONE WOMAN EVEN ADVISED HER SOCIAL MEDIA FOLLOWERS TO
"DELETE THE DATING APPS IN 2023," SAYING "I'M HEADED
TO HOME DEPOT TO LOOK CONFUSED IN THE LUMBER AISLE."
FEIGNING HELPLESSNESS IS A CLASSIC STRATEGY.
"HOW DID WE MEET? THE CUTEST STORY:
I USED TO PROWL THE LOCAL WING STOP AND I CAUGHT HIS EYE
BY CHOKING ON A CHICKEN BONE." THE TREND IS HOT WHICH MIGHT
EXPLAIN THIS FROM HOME DEPOT'S COMPETTORS.
ACE IS THE PLACE WITH THE GUYS WHO'RE 6'2.
Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PRINCE HARRY TAKING
THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT.
♪ ♪ Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
RIGHT THERE WE HAVE THE AUTHOR OF THE NEW BEST SELLER "SPARE."
I AM HERE WITH PRINCE HARRY. HARRY, I BELIEVE YOU SAID I
COULD CALL YOU HARRY. Prince Harry: I SAID YOU
CAN CALL ME WHATEVER HE WANTS. Stephen: BECAUSE WE ARE
SUCH DEAR FRIENDS NOW THAT I'VE READ YOUR BOOK I FEEL LIKE WE
KNOW EACH OTHER VERY WELL. A WONDERFUL INTERVIEW THE OTHER
NIGHT THAT EVERYONE ACCLAIMED AS GROUNDBREAKING.
BUT THE THING IS THAT EVEN AFTER READING 400 PAGES OF YOUR BOOK,
THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH YOU CAN FIT INTO 400 PAGES AND I FEEL LIKE I
DON'T KNOW YOU AS WELL AS I WOULD LIKE TO.
MY TEAM UP THERE HAVE COME UP WITH 15.
Prince Harry: YOU HAVE A LAB?
THAT EXPLAINS A LOT. Stephen: MY TEAM HAS COME
UP WITH 15 QUESTIONS SCIENTIFICALLY CALCULATED TO
PLUMB THE DEPTHS OF ANYONE, TO REVEAL THEIR SOUL TO THE WORLD.
THIS IS GOING TO OPEN YOU UP TO THE WORLD.
ARE YOU PREPARED TO BE KNOWN BY THE WORLD AFTER YOU ANSWER WHAT
HISTORY WILL CALL THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT?
Prince Harry: NO, BUT LET'S DO IT.
♪ ♪ Stephen: HARRY, WHAT IS THE
BEST SANDWICH? Prince Harry: HMM.
I WOULD SAY A CHEESE AND HAM TOASTY WITH DIJON MUSTARD ON
TOP. Stephen: TOASTY MEANS
GRILLED? Prince Harry: A TOASTING
MACHINE? Stephen: LIKE A PANINI
PRESS? Prince Harry: I HAVE TO BE
CAREFUL WITH THE QUESTIONS BECAUSE THE AMERICANISM'S, IT'S
VERY DIFFERENT. IT GOT ME IN MY LIFE INTO A
LITTLE TROUBLE. Stephen: THE WORD FANNY IS
ONE THAT'S MOST UPSETTING. Prince Harry: BUT THEN
THERE IS A FANNY PACK. Stephen: FANNY TO US IS
DIFFERENT THAN FANNY'S TO Y'ALL. Prince Harry: I WAS GOING
TALK ABOUT BAY-ZEL AND BAZ-IL. Stephen: VITAMIN AND
VIT-AMIN. Prince Harry: HORSEBACK
RIDING ON HORSEBACK RIDING. THAT INSTANTLY BECOMES A MEME.
Stephen: WHAT IS ONE THING YOU OWN THAT YOU SHOULD REALLY
THROW OUT? Prince Harry: OOH, UH.
RIPPED BOXER SHORTS. Stephen: WHY DO YOU STILL
HAVE THEM? Prince Harry: I DON'T WANT
TO LET THEM GO. Stephen: FOND MEMORIES?
Prince Harry: [LAUGHS] Stephen: HARRY, WHAT IS THE
SCARIEST ANIMAL? Prince Harry: THE SCARIEST
ANIMAL TO ME IS A SNAKE. Stephen: DID YOU SEE ANY
GOOD ONES IN AFRICA? BLACK MAMBAS OR SOMETHING.
Prince Harry: SNAKES CAN GET ANYWHERE.
Stephen: ANYWHERE. APPLES OR ORANGES?
Prince Harry: ORANGES. DUH.
Stephen: SOMETHING WEIRDLY CANNIBALISTIC ABOUT THAT.
HAVE YOU EVER-- Prince Harry: IF WE BITE
YOU, YOU GET GINGIVITIS. [LAUGHTER]
YOU SECRETLY WANT TO BE BITTEN, DON'T YOU?
Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR
AUTOGRAPH? Prince Harry: YES.
Stephen: MAY I ASK WHO? Prince Harry: THE RUGBY
TEAM IN 2003. AT THE WORLD CUP FINAL.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS. I WAS WALKING AROUND GOING,
JOHNNY, JOHNNY, MIKE, MIKE. THEY WERE ALL STANDING THERE
NAKED BUT I GOT ALL 15 SIGNATURES.
Stephen: THEY SIGNED WITH PENS?
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE?
Prince Harry: I THINK WE BECOME ANIMALS.
Stephen: I LIKE THAT. LIKE, WE REINCARNATE?
DO YOU HAVE AN ANIMAL HE WOULD LIKE TO COME BACK AS?
Prince Harry: PROBABLY AN ELEPHANT.
Stephen: FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE?
TOUGH QUESTIONS. Prince Harry: GLADIATOR.
YEAH. [APPLAUSE]
Stephen: YOU KNOW THE EMPEROR AND THAT, MARCUS REALLYE
WHO GETS KILLED. HE SAID LET US HAVE AN END TO
THIS DEBATE ABOUT WHAT MAKES A GOOD MAN AND BE ONE.
YOU CAN USE THAT. Prince Harry: GOOD
KNOWLEDGE. Stephen: WINDOW OR AISLE?
Prince Harry: COCKPIT. Stephen: FAVORITE SMELL?
Prince Harry: FAVORITE SMELL.
MY WIFE. Stephen: LEAST FAVORITE
SMELL. Prince Harry: UHHH.
[SNIFFING] [LAUGHTER]
Stephen: MOST USED APP ON YOUR PHONE.
Prince Harry: FOR ME GENERALLY BETTER UP.
Stephen: WHAT IS BETTER UP? Prince Harry: IT'S A
COACHING PLATFORM WHICH I AM PART OF.
THE QUICKEST ACCESS TO HEALTH COACHING.
Stephen: CATS OR DOGS? Prince Harry: DOGS,
OBVIOUSLY. CATS.
Prince Harry: YOU ONLY GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE
REST OF YOUR LIFE. WHAT IS IT?
KEEP IN MIND YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO IT CONTINUALLY BUT
WHEN YOU WANT TO GO LISTEN TO A SONG, IT HAS TO BE THIS ONE.
Prince Harry: LOVE GETS SWEETER EVERY DAY.
Stephen: NOT FAMILIAR. Prince Harry: YOU NEED MORE
LOVE IN YOUR LIFE. Stephen: I CAN'T POSSIBLY
HAVE MORE LOVE IN MY LIFE. HAVE YOU MET MY WIFE?
Prince Harry: YES, WE MET EARLIER.
I HAVE DINNER PLANS WITH YOUR WIFE.
Stephen: NOTHING WOULD MAKE HER HAPPIER.
YOU KNOW THOSE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, THEY ARE LIKE, THEY ARE
LIKE, I LOVE THE ROYAL FAMILY. I TOTALLY GET THAT.
THAT IS MY WIFE. I AM LIKE, I'VE GOT NO HOSTILITY
AGAINST YOU GUYS. A LITTLE.
NO HOSTILITY BECAUSE YOU TOOK MY FAMILY'S LAND BACK IN IRELAND.
I AM OVER IT. I AM OVER IT.
Prince Harry: IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE YOU ARE.
I'M VERY SORRY. Stephen: SHE IS AN
INCESSANT ANGLOPHILE. SHE SPENT SOME TIME AT
CAMBRIDGE. SHE LOVES YOUR WHOLE FAMILY.
IF SIX ORDINARY. Prince Harry: WONDERFUL.
Stephen: IT IS THE ONE THING THAT WE DISAGREE ABOUT.
I AM READING THIS BOOK GOING, "GET 'EM, HARRY."
I DON'T MEAN THAT AT ALL. WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OUT?
Prince Harry: WHAT? Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I
THINKING OF? Prince Harry: ONE.
Stephen: NO. Prince Harry: HANG ON A
SECOND. ARE THESE THE SAME QUESTIONS YOU
ASK EVERYBODY ELSE. Stephen: EVERYBODY GETS THE
SAME QUESTION. Prince Harry: HAS
ANYONE.NET RIGHT. IS THERE A NUMBER YOU'RE
THINKING OF? IS IT BETWEEN 1 AND 10?
Stephen: WHY WHAT I TELL YOU?
YOU GOT IT WRONG. IF YOU GOT IT RIGHT I WILL BE
ABLE TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION. IT'S ONE OF THE THINGS YOU WIN.
Prince Harry: WHAT DO I WIN.
Stephen: YOU GET TO BE KNOWN BY PEOPLE.
WHAT DO YOU MOST WANT TO BE, HARRY.
NOT ALONE. I READ YOUR BOOK.
WE WANT TO BE KNOWN. YOU'RE WELCOME.
HAVE YOU ENJOYED-- Prince Harry: SECURITY.
CAN YOU GUYS COME AND GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Stephen: HE'S GOT RED HAIR. SITTING NEXT TO THE DESK.
DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS.
Prince Harry: FIVE SEPARATE WORDS OR A SENTENCE?
Stephen: EITHER WAY. NO ONE HAS EVER ASKED THAT
BEFORE. YOU CAN DO IT AS A PASTICHE OF
THESE FIVE WORDS OR MEANINGFUL SENTENCE TO YOU.
THAT IS MORE THAN FIVE. Prince Harry: FREEDOM.
HAPPINESS. CLARITY.
SPACE, LOVE. [APPLAUSE]
Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS. YOU ARE KNOWN.
"SPARE" IS AVAILABLE NOW. PRINCE HARRY, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
♪ ♪ Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY. WELCOME BACK, FOLKS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACTOR
YOU KNOW FROM "HAROLD AND KUMAR,"
"HOUSE," AND "DESIGNATED SURVIVOR."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," KAL PENN.
♪ ♪ Kal: THANK YOU.
Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
Kal: HOW ARE YOU, NICE TO SEE YOU.
Stephen: I WANT TO KNOW HOW YOU'RE DOING BECAUSE IN TWO
WEEKS ARE GOING TO BE HOSTING "THE DAILY SHOW" FOR A WEEK AND
HOW ARE YOU FEELING ABOUT THAT? THAT'S A FUN GIG.
Kal: IT'S A DREAM JOB. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I AM
SITTING HERE WITH YOU OF ALL PEOPLE GETTING TO TALK ABOUT IT.
Stephen: YOU ARE NOT JUST GUESTING?
Kal: I HAVE SPENT MY CAREER BEING HUMBLE AND PUTTING MY HEAD
DOWN AND ALL THAT AND NOW I'M LIKE, THIS IS A JOB I WANT.
I WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW I WANT THE JOB.
OBVIOUSLY. IT'S AN INCREDIBLE OPPORTUNITY.
I AM EXCITED TO GUEST HOST BUT IF OFFERED THE PERMANENT GAIN
COME OFF COURSE I WOULD TAKE IT. IT WOULD BE A DREAM JOB.
Stephen: HAVE YOU SOUGHT ANY ADVICE FROM ANYONE OF THE
PREVIOUS HOSTS? Kal: I RAN INTO JON STEWART
AT THE KNICKS GAME A COUPLE WEEKS AGO AND I DID ASK, HEY, I
AM GUEST POSTING. ANY ADVICE?
HE SAID ONE OF THE GREATEST THINGS AND A TESTAMENT TO HOW
LOVED THAT SHOW IS, FIRST HE SAID JUST BE YOURSELF AND HAVE
FUN. AND THEN SPENT THE REST OF THE
TIME TALKING ABOUT HOW INCREDIBLE THE SHOWRUNNER OF THE
WRITERS AND THE CREW OF THE WHOLE TEAM ARE WHICH REALLY
SHOWS YOU A LOVE FOR THE FRANCHISE THAT MADE ME EVEN MORE
EXCITED. NOW YOU ASKED ME THAT QUESTION,
I SHOULD ASK YOU FOR ADVICE. Stephen: I AUDITIONED FOR
THAT SHOW IN 1999 AND THEY GAVE IT TO JON STEWART.
I WORK FOR CRAIG KILBURN. I WAS THERE BEFORE JON.
FOR THE RECORD, I WAS THERE FIRST.
I LICKED THAT DOUGHNUT AND THEY WIPED IT OFF AND GAVE IT TO JON
THE WRITERS AND PRODUCERS ARE AMAZING.
THE EXECUTIVE SHOWRUNNER IS INCREDIBLE.
YOU WILL BE GREAT. TALK ABOUT THE THINGS YOU
ACTUALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT. DON'T FAKE IT.
Kal: NO FAKING IT. I GREW UP ON THAT SHOW.
I'M A BIG FAN OF SATIRE AND COMEDY.
Stephen: YOU GREW UP ON THE ACTUAL?
Kal: LATE HIGH SCHOOL, EARLY COLLEGE.
I WASN'T 7 YEARS OLD. I'M NOT THAT YOUNG.
THIS IS GOING SO POORLY ALREADY. MY BACKGROUND IS COMEDY.
THAT'S MY FIRST LOVE AND HAVE A HAVE A CHANCE TO TAKE A
SABBATICAL AND WORK IN POLITICS, I WOULD LOVE TO BE ABLE TO MERGE
THOSE TWO TOGETHER IN A FUN COMEDY SHOW.
Stephen: YOU HAVE A CRAZY CV IN THAT REGARD.
FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW, YOU ARE KNOWN AS A POPULAR ACTOR AND
THEN YOU WENT AND WORKED FOR THE OBAMA WHITE HOUSE.
HOW LONG WERE YOU THERE? Kal: TWO AND A HALF YEARS.
Stephen: A GOOD CHUNK. Kal: THANK YOU.
Stephen: WHAT WAS THAT TRANSITION LIKE FOR YOU?
Kal: WELL, THERE WERE SOME LEARNING CURVES.
I REMEMBER PROBABLY MY THIRD DAY AT THE WHITE HOUSE, I WAS CCED
ON A BIG EMAIL CHAIN WITH THE NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL AND IN
GOVERNMENT, EVERYTHING IS SPELLED OUT AND THEN IT'S
ACRONYMS FOR THE REST OF THE EMAIL AND I LEARNED THIS THE
HARD WAY. THE EMAIL SAID KAL, WE NEED YOU
TO KNOW ABOUT THE MORO ISLAMIC LIBERATION FRONT AND IN
PARENTHESES IT SAID MILF. TRUE STORY.
THE REST OF THE EMAIL SAID MILK
IS CONSIDERED HIGHLY DANGEROUS, RECRUITS YOUNG MEN.
WITHOUT THINKING, I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE GREATEST THING, I HIT
REPLY ALL AND I WROTE SOMETHING LIKE "THE MAIN TERROR GROUP, THE
MILFS, AMAZING." AS SOON AS I HIT SEND, I THOUGHT
IT'S NOT A WRITERS ROOM! IT'S THE NATIONAL SECURITY
COUNCIL. THERE WAS SILENCE ON THE EMAIL
CHAIN. IN THE HALLWAY, PEOPLE RELY,
THAT IS SO FUNNY. BUT NOT ON THE RECORD.
THERE WAS A LEARNING CURVE BUT I DO FEEL LIKE MAYBE IT PREPPED ME
FOR THIS COMING COUPLE WEEKS. Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK BUT STICK AROUND. WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE KAL
PENN, EVERYBDY.
Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. THAT CARE WITH THE HOST OF
"GETTING WARMER WITH KAL PENN," KAL PENN.
YOU HOST A DOCUSERIES CALLED "GETTING WARMER WITH KAL PENN."
IT'S ABOUT THE CLIMATE CRISIS. WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED?
I ASSUME YOU MUST'VE BEEN FAIRLY INFORMED ABOUT THIS BEFORE.
WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED THAT SURPRISED EVEN YOU AS YOU ARE
DOING THIS SERIES? Kal: THIS SHOW WAS MOSTLY
ABOUT CLIMATE SOLUTIONS. IT IS NOT THE DOOM AND GLOOM
THING. IT'S DOING THINGS RIGHT,
ADVOCATES AND BUSINESSES. WHAT SURPRISED ME WAS A LOT OF
PEOPLE WHO FINANCED THE CLEAN ENERGY STUFF, SOLAR PANELS OR
CLEANTECH OR INNOVATION, SOME OF THE FOLKS WHO AT LEAST ON PAPER
KIND OF ATTACK THOSE INNOVATIONS.
THEY KNOW THAT IT'S PROFITABLE. THEY KNOW THIS IS THE RIGHT
DIRECTION FOR OUR PLANET AND FOR BUSINESS.
THEY KNOW IT'S POSSIBLE TO HAVE BOTH.
THAT WAS KIND OF EYE-OPENING. I ACTUALLY DIDN'T THINK--
THERE WAS ONE WAY OF LOOKING AT IT THAT WAS LIKE WHAT A BUMMER
BUT THE OTHER WAY WAS THIS IS GREAT.
THINGS ARE ON THE RIGHT TRACK DESPITE ALL THE CABLE NEWS
NONSENSE THAT PEOPLE ARE STILL DOING THE RIGHT THING.
Stephen: THAT'S THE INTERESTING THING ABOUT
RESPONSES TO THE CLIMATE CRISIS AND SUSTAINABLE ENERGY.
AND A LOT OF RED STATES, THERE'S STEALTH SUSTAINABLE ENERGY BEING
BUILT UP. SOUTH CAROLINA.
EVERY TIME I FLY BACK HOME, AT THE AIRPORT, EVERY WAREHOUSE,
EVERY MANUFACTURING BUILDING, ALL THE ROOFS ARE COVERED WITH
SOLAR PANELS. IT'S PROFITABLE NOW.
IT HELPS. WELL, YOU WORKED, AS YOU SAID,
COUPLE YEARS OF THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION.
DID YOU WORK ON CLIMATE ISSUES? Kal: I WORKED ON YOUTH
OUTREACH PRIMARILY. I REMEMBER HELPING PUT TOGETHER
A BIG SUMMIT FOR YOUNG PEOPLE ON CLIMATE CHANGE.
THAT WAS PROBABLY THE FIRST TIME I SAW, THERE WERE YOUNG
PROGRESSIVES WE INVITED BUT ALSO YOUNG EVEN TO LOCAL CONSERVATIVE
CHRISTIANS FOR WHOM CLIMATE WAS A BIG ISSUE.
THEY MIGHT HAVE DISAGREED WITH OBAMA ON 99% OF OTHER THINGS IN
THEIR VIEW ON CLIMATE WAS GOD PUT US HERE TO TAKE CARE OF THE
PLANET. WHATEVER GETS YOU TO THE TABLE,
IT WAS INSPIRING TO SEE OUR PEOPLE CAN WORK TOGETHER ON AN
ISSUE LIKE THAT. ONE OF THE PLUSES.
[APPLAUSE] Stephen: WHEN YOU ARE IN
THE WHITE HOUSE, DUE TO EVER OCCUR TO YOU, MAYBE I COULD BE A
POLITICIAN? DID YOU THINK, I COULD RUN FOR
OFFICE? WHERE IS HOME?
Kal: HOME IS NEW JERSEY. Stephen: DO YOU EVER THINK
ABOUT RUNNING TO REPRESENT SOME PART OF THE STATE?
Kal: I WAS VERY PROUD OF THE WORK THAT I DID DURING MY
SABBATICAL AT THE WHITE HOUSE AND YOU ARE WELCOME FOR THE
AFFORDABLE CARE ACT AND DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL.
Stephen: THAT WAS ALL YOU? Kal: SINGLE-HANDEDLY IT WAS
ALL ME. BEING A TINY PART OF THOSE
THINGS WONDERFUL AND FEELS GREAT BUT I'VE GOT TO BE HONEST, BEING
THE HOST OF THE DAILY SHOW PERMANENTLY WOULD PAY WAY MORE
THAN RUNNING FOR OFFICE. Stephen: RUNNING FOR OFFICE
PAYS VERY LITTLE AT ALL. I CAN'T LET YOU GO WITHOUT
ASKING SOMETHING, ABOUT SOMETHING YOU ARE INVOLVED WITH
LAST WEEK TO LET ME SEE IF I'VE GOT THIS.
I AM GOING TO SHOW THIS PHOTO RIGHT HERE.
HERE IS THIS PHOTO. A LITTLE BIT CONFUSING WHEN YOU
LOOK AT IT. THAT IS YOU DOWN HERE.
THIS IS IN THE METAVERSE. THIS IS AN EVENT THAT WAS
SPONSORED BY TACO BELL. IT WAS THE TACO BELL METAVERSE
WEDDING. WHAT WAS THIS?
WHAT WAS YOUR ROLE? Kal: THIS ALSO PAYS MORE
THAN RUNNING FOR OFFICE. MAX RIGHT.
IT'S TRUE. Stephen: DADDY DON'T DO
THIS FOR FREE. Kal: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I LOVE TACOS AND TACO BELL REACHED OUT AND SAID WE ARE
LITERALLY DOING A WEDDING IN THE METAVERSE.
WILL YOU MC IT? I DIDN'T OFFICIATE.
THE COUPLE HAD SOMEONE MUCH CLOSER TO THEM WHO OFFICIATED.
I HOSTED AND EMCEED. I THOUGHT IT WAS AMAZING.
ANYTIME SOMEBODY IS GETTING MARRIED, THE IDEA OF CELEBRATING
LOVE WAS GREAT BUT I LOVE TACOS AND IT WAS JUST A WEIRD, FUN
THING TO DO, HONESTLY. Stephen: TALKING ABOUT YOU
LOVE TACOS A LOT. Kal: I DO LOVE TACOS A LOT.
AND MONEY. STAY WHEN THEY BOTH FOLD.
Kal: AND LOVE. LOVE.
Stephen: LOVE IS OFTEN CALLED THE TACO OF EMOTIONS.
NICE TO SEE YOU. "GETTING WARMER WITH KAL PENN"
IS STREAMING ON BLOOMBERG TELEVISION
AND HE'S HOSTING THE "DAILY SHOW"
MARCH 13TH. KAL PENN, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY
BIG THIEF.
AND NOW PERFORMING A NEW UNRELEASED SONG
VAMPIRE EMPIRE, BIG THIEF.
♪ ♪ ♪ WATCHING TV TIRED ♪
♪ BLEEDING ON THE BED ♪ ♪ THE MILK HAS JUST EXPIRED ♪
♪ ALL THE LEAVES ARE DEAD ♪ ♪ I'M NOT QUIET ♪
♪ YOU'VE BEEN QUIET ♪ ♪ JUST RECEIVING WHAT YOU SAID ♪
♪ REELING FEEDING ♪ ♪ FEELING FILLED BY ♪
♪ EVERYTHING YOU FED ♪ ♪ I SEE YOU ♪
♪ AS YOU SEE YOURSELF ♪ ♪ THROUGH ALL THE BOOKS ♪
♪ YOU READ ♪ ♪ OVERWHELMED WITH GUILT ♪
♪ AND REALIZING THE DISEASE ♪ ♪ YOU GIVE ME CHILLS ♪
♪ I'VE HAD IT WITH THE DRILLS ♪ ♪ I AM NOTHING, YOU ARE NOTHING,
♪ WE ARE NOTHING ♪ ♪ WITH THE PILLS ♪
♪ I AM EMPTY 'TIL SHE FILLS ♪ ♪ ALIVE UNTIL SHE KILLS ♪
♪ IN HER VAMPIRE EMPIRE ♪ ♪ I'M THE FISH ♪
♪ AND SHE'S MY GILLS ♪
♪ FALLING, YEAH ♪ ♪ I SEE YOU THERE REJECTING ♪
♪ ALL YOUR EARTHLY POWER ♪ ♪ PROTECTING AND DISSECTING ♪
♪ TILL YOU'VE EMPTIED ♪ ♪ EVERY HOUR ♪
♪ WE JUMPED INTO THE POND ♪ ♪ AND THEN COME UNDER ♪
♪ THE SHOWER ♪ ♪ WE LAY UPON MY PILLOW ♪
♪ AND YOU OPEN LIKE A FLOWER ♪ ♪ I WANTED TO SEE YOU NAKED ♪
♪ I WANTED TO HEAR YOU SCREAM ♪ ♪ I WANTED TO KISS YOUR SKIN ♪
♪ AND YOUR EVERYTHING ♪ ♪ I WANTED TO BE YOUR WOMAN ♪
♪ I WANTED TO BE YOUR MAN ♪ ♪ I WANTED TO BE THE ONE ♪
♪ THAT YOU COULD UNDERSTAND ♪ ♪ YOU GIVE ME CHILLS ♪
♪ I'VE HAD IT WITH THE DRILLS ♪ ♪ I AM NOTHING ♪
♪ YOU ARE NOTHING ♪ ♪ WE ARE NOTHING ♪
♪ WITH THE PILLS ♪ ♪ I AM EMPTY TILL SHE FILLS ♪
♪ ALIVE UNTIL SHE KILLS ♪ ♪ I'M HER VAMPIRE EMPIRE ♪
♪ I'M THE FISH ♪ ♪ AND SHE'S MY GILLS ♪
♪ FALLING, YEAH ♪ ♪ FALLING, YEAH ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I WALKED INTO YOUR DAGGER ♪ ♪ FOR THE LAST TIME IN A ROW ♪
♪ IT'S LIKE TRYING TO START ♪ ♪ A FIRE WITH MATCHES ♪
♪ IN THE SNOW ♪ ♪ YOU CAN'T SEEM ♪
♪ TO HOLD ME ♪ ♪ YOU CAN'T SEEM TO LET ME GO ♪
♪ SO I CAN'T FIND SURRENDER ♪ ♪ CAN'T KEEP CONTROL ♪
♪ YOU TURN ME INSIDE OUT ♪ ♪ AND THEN YOU WANT ME ♪
♪ OUTSIDE IN ♪ ♪ YOU SPIN ME ALL AROUND ♪
♪ AND THEN YOU ASK ME ♪ ♪ NOT TO SPIN ♪
♪ YOU SAY YOU WANT TO BE ALONE ♪ ♪ AND THEN YOU WANT CHILDREN ♪
♪ YOU WANNA BE WITH ME, BABY ♪ ♪ YOU WANNA BE WITH HIM ♪
♪ YOU GIVE ME CHILLS ♪ ♪ I'VE HAD IT WITH THE DRILLS ♪
♪ I AM NOTHING ♪ ♪ YOU ARE NOTHING ♪
♪ WE ARE NOTHING ♪ ♪ WITH THE PILLS ♪
♪ I AM EMPTY TILL SHE FILLS ♪ ♪ ALIVE UNTIL SHE KILLS ♪
♪ IN HER VAMPIRE EMPIRE ♪ ♪ I'M THE FISH ♪
♪ AND SHE'S MY GILLS ♪
♪ FALLING, YEAH ♪ ♪ FALLING, YEAH ♪
♪ ♪
HI, MEEMAW.
Stephen: THANK YOU.
YOU CAN CATCH THEM ON TOUR THIS SUMMER.
BIG THIEF, EVERYBODY. THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW.
GOOD NIGHT! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]