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00:00:01,267 --> 00:00:04,104
FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DeSANTIS
SIGNED A LAW STRIPPING DISNEY

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WORLD OF ITS CONTROL OVER
A SELF-GOVERNING SPECIAL TAX

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DISTRICT IN THE STATE.
THE MOVE GIVES THE REPUBLICAN

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GOVERNOR CONTROL OF THE BOARD
THAT OVERSEES DEVELOPMENT OF THE

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RESORT'S PROPERTIES.
THE MOVE IS SEEN AS PUNISHMENT

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AFTER THE COMPANY OPPOSED
DeSANTIS' SO CALLED

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"DON'T SAY GAY" LAW.
WE HERE AT DISNEY PARKS HAVE

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RECEIVED OUR MARCHING ORDERS AND
ARE THRILLED TO ANNOUNCE UPDATES

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TO OUR NEWLY DEWOKE-IFIED
MAGIC KINGDOM.

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VISIT THE HALL OF PRESIDENTS
PARTS OF AMERICAN HISTORY RON'S

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SUPPORTERS DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT.

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I'M ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
I ESTABLISHED THE DEPARTMENT OF

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THAT'S IT.
AND VISIT THE ANIMAL KINGDOM

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WHERE GUESTS CAN NOW HUNT.
AND THAT'S NOT ALL.

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TO MAKE IT OVERTLY APPARENT
WHICH GENDER EACH OF OUR PARK

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CHARACTERS IS, WE HAVE UPDATED
THEIR COSTUMES WITH REALISTIC

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PLUS, WE DON'T TALK ABOUT BRUNO
BECAUSE HE WAS FORCED ONTO A

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PLANE AND SHIPPED OFF TO
MART VINEYARD.

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DeSANTIS' WORLD.
IT'S SUPERCALIFRAGILISTIC

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EXPIALI-FASCIST.
Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE

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SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT...

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FOR FOX SAKE!
FIRST, STEPHEN WELCOMES...

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KAL PENN
AND MUSICAL GUEST

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BIG THIEF.
FEATURING LOUIS CATO

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AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE

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FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER
IN NEW YORK CITY,

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IT'S STEPEN COLBERT.

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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Stephen: HAPPY THURSDAY.

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HEY, EVERYBODY.
HAPPY TUESDAY, EVERYBODY.

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UP HERE, DOWN HERE.
THANKS, EVERYBODY.

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PLEASE HAVE A SEAT. WELCOME,

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WELCOME, ONE AND ALL,
TO "THE LATE SHOW."

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I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT'S MY JOB, HERE ARE TALKING

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ABOUT WHAT EVERYBODY WAS TALKING
ABOUT TODAY BUT IT WAS A VERY

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STRANGE NEWS DAY, FULL PEOPLE.
WHICH IS WHY WE'VE

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ENTITLED TONIGHT'S MONOLOGUE
THE LATE SHOW'S

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"OOPS!
EXHIBIT A-HOLE,

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FOX NEWS CHAIRMAN AND CORPSE
DRAGGED FROM THE SEA,

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RUPERT MURDOCH.
LAST MONTH, MURDOCH SAT DOWN FOR

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A DEPOSITION AS PART OF DOMINION
VOTING SYSTEMS' $1.6 BILLION

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LAWSUIT AGAINST FOX NEWS,
AND HE ADMITTED UNDER OATH THAT

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ELECTION LIES WERE KNOWINGLY
ENDORSED BY FOX HOSTS

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SEAN HANNITY, JEANINE PIRRO,
LOU DOBBS, AND MARIA BARTIROMO.

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COLLECTIVELY KNOWN AS
"DUMB, DUMBER, DUMBEST,

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AND SEAN HANNITY."
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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AS A WHOLE HAD ENDORSED THE
STOLEN ELECTION NARRATIVE,

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HE REPLIED,
"NOT FOX, NO.

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NOT FOX."UT IF YOUR MOST VIEWEDS
ENDORSED IT,

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THEN YOUR NETWORK ENDORSED IT.
I'D LIKE TO SEE

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THIS GUY IN A MURDER TRIAL.
"DID I STAB THAT FELLA?

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NO!
I MEAN, MY HAND DID,

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BUT HE'S AN INDEPENDENT CONTRACTOR.

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GOOD JOB, HAND.
JUST LIKE WE PLANNED IT."

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HERE'S THE THING.
WHEN ASKED ABOUT

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PEOPLE LIKE SEAN HANNITY
ENDORSING THESE

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ELECTION LIES, MURDOCH ADMITTED
THAT HE COULD HAVE STOPPED THEM

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BUT DIDN'T.
BECAUSE

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CASH.
LI WERE ABOUT THE BOTTOM-LINE.

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CASE IN POINT: HE DIDN'T STOP
HIS VIEWERS FROM HEARING

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DOMINION CONSPIRACIES FROM
FOX NEWS SPONSOR AND MYPILLOW

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CEO MIKE LINDELL, SEE HERE
RECEIVING THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

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FROM A WENDY'S SIGN. YES.

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BIGGIE GOD.
BIGGIE DRINK, BIGGIE FRY.

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MURDOCH EXPLAINED THAT DECISION
WASN'T POLITICAL, IT WAS

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A BUSINESS DECISION, ADDING
"IT IS NOT RED OR BLUE.

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IT'S GREEN," WHICH IS ALSO WHAT
THE NURSE SCREAMED AT HIS

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LAST UROLOGY EXAM.
EVEN THE FORMER PRESIDENT

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WAS SHOCKED BY THIS STORY.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT TOOK TO HIS

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FAKE SOCIAL MEDIA
SITE TO ASK "WHY IS

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RUPERT MURDOCH THROWING HIS
ANCHORS UNDER THE TABLE,"

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OKAY, THAT'S NOT AN EXPRESSION.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY:

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"THE SQUEAKY WHEEL GETS
THE HOSE AGAIN,"

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AND "NOBODY PUTS BA
IN A BLENDER!"

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THE DOMINION LAWSUIT
IS A MASSIVE STORY,

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WHICH IS WHY FOX NEWS
ISN'T COVERING IT.

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IN FACT, IF YOU GO TO THEIR
WEBSITE AND SEARCH T

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TWO MONTHS FOR THE WORDS
"DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS,"

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YOU DON'T GET A SINGLE ARTICLE.
YOU JUST GET A PAGE THAT SAYS

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"ERROR 404:
JOURNALISM NOT FOUND."

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SO IF, IF...
THERE YOU GO.

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PRETTY QUICK.
THERE ARE ANY FOX VIEWERS

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WATCHING THIS--
FIRST OFF,

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I ASSUME YOU'RE LOOKING
FOR REMOTE BATTERIES.

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TRY THE JUNK DRAWER
IN THE KITCHEN.

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SECOND, YOU SHOULD KNOW A FEW
THINGS ABOUT FOX THAT IT ISN'T

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TELLING YOU.
FOX NEWS IS BEING SUED FOR

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DEFAMATION BECAUSE THEIR
HOSTS ENDORSED LIES ABOUT THE

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2020 ELECTION,
WHILE THEIR TEXT MESSAGES

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TO EACH OTHER PROVE
THEY KNEW JOE BIDEN WON

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FAIR AND SQUARE.
AND THEIR GUESTS TALKING ABOUT

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STEALING THE ELECTION
WERE ALL CRAZY LIARS.

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ALSO, NO ONE CAN INVENT
A PILLOW!

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úTHEY ALREADY EXISTED!
SPEAKING OF BIG DUMB A-HOLES,

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THERE'S NEWS ABOUT
FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DESANTIS,

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SEEN HERE GETTING KICKED
IN THE FLORIDA KEYS.

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DESANTIS IS ALMOST CERTAINLY
GONNA RUN FOR PRESIDENT

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IN 2024, SO TO PUMP UP THE
RON-CITEMENT, TODAY HE RELEASED

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A MEMOIR.
"THE COURAGE TO BE FREE."

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A TITLE SO POLITICALIC
THAT I HAVE ALREADY

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FORGOTTEN IT.
WHAT WAS IT AGAIN?

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OH, RIGHT.
"THE BRAVERY TO BE FLAG."

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RON DeSANTIS' MAIN GOAL: MAKE
AMERICA FLORIDA.

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NO,
UH-UH.

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NO.
WE ALREADY HAVE ONE!

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ACTUALLY TWO,
IF YOU COUNT ARIZONA.

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AND PARTS OF LONG ISLAND.
BUT SURE, MAKE THE UNITED STATES

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MORE LIKE FLORIDA.
41ST IN LITERACY,

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4TH IN TOTAL STD CASES,
AND NUMBER 1 IN UNPLANNED

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JET-SKI PREGNANCIES.
USE PROTECTION

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BEFORE YOU JET-SKI.
DESANTIS WRITES WITH SUBTLE

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LITERARY TOUCH ABOUT
HIS BELOVED STATE, SAYING,

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"IN A WORLD THAT HAS
INCREASINGLY GONE MAD,

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FLORIDA IS A BEACHHEAD OF
SANITY."

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"FLORIDA IS A CITADEL OF FREEDOM
IN A WORLD GONE MAD,"

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AND "FLORIDA IS A REDOUBT
OF SANITY WHERE WOKE IDEOLOGY

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GOES TO DIE."
I'M GONNA FACT CHECK YA THERE,

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GOVERNOR.
FLORIDA IS A MADHOUSE OF

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DOUBTFUL SANITY WHERE EVERYONE
GOES TO DIE.

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EVENTUALLY.
IN HIS BOOK, WHICH AGAIN,

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IS TITLED, "THE FREEDOM
TO BE HAMBURGER,"

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DESANTIS WRITES ABOUT HOW HIS
PARENTS CAME FROM "GRITTY,

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WORKING-CLASS, GOD-FEARING"
TOWNS IN OHIO AND PENNSYLVANIA,

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WHICH HE CLAIMS GIVES HIM
RUST BELT VALUES.

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YOU GREW UP IN FLORIDA!
THIS GUY IS SO THIRSTY

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FOR APPROVAL FROM THE HEARTLAND.
"MY PARENTS WERE FROM

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THE RUST BELT.
MY UNCLE MARRIED A STEEL BEAM!

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MY COUSINS ARE CORN."
BUT DESANTIS IS PROUD OF HIS

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BOOK, "THE BIG TREE I SAW."
MY FAVORITE.

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AS HE TOLD HIS BUDDIES
I ACTUALLY WROTE IT.

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I THINK IT COMES ACROSS AS
MORE AUTHENTIC BECAUSE IT IS ME

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WRITING THIS.
Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

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EVERY WORD IS PURE, UNCUT
DESANTIS, WHEN YOU READ

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"THE COMMITMENT TO EAT CRAYONS."
YOU REALIZE IT'S ALL STRAIGHT

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FROM HIS BRAIN.
OR AS THE NEW YORK TIMES

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DESCRIBED IT, A CULTURE WAR
MAD LIBS THAT CAN'T DISTRACT

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FROM THE DULL COLDNESS AT ITS
CORE, AND COURAGEOUSLY FREE

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OF ANYTHING THAT RESEMBLES
CHARISMA, OR A DISCERNIBLE SENSE

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OF HUMOR.
OKAY, OKAY, THAT'S NOT FAIR!

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OKAY, NO.
THAT'S NOT FAIR!

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IF HE DIDN'T HAVE A SENSE OF
HUMOR, WHY WOULD HE TITLE

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HIS BOOK
"HOW DO THEY FOLD THE PRETZELS?"

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I LIKE THAT ONE TOO.
A CHUNK OF DESANTIS'S BOOK

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IS ABOUT HIS WHOLE DUST-UP
WITH DISNEY.

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HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
LAST YEAR, DESANTIS PASSED HIS

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ANTI-LGBTQ "DON'T SAY GAY" LAW,
AND WHEN DISNEY SPOKE OUT

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AGAINST IT, HE PUNISHED THEM BY
THE STATE CONTROL OVER DISNEY'S

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ORLANDO THEME PARKS.
NOW, ON SOME LEVEL,

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THAT DOE SENSE.
A THEME PARK SHOULDN'T GET

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TO HAVE ITS OWN GOVERNMENT
JUST BECAUSE PEOPLE WALK AROUND

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IN FUNNY COSTUMES.
ALL RIGHT.

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WE ALREADY HAVE VATICAN CITY
FOR THAT.

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BUT THE JOKE WAS ON DESANTIS,
BECAUSE, IT TURNS OUT, HIS LAW

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COULD HAVE MADE DISNEY'S BILLS
A BURDEN ON LOCAL TAXPAYERS.

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SO DESANTIS HAD TO BACKTRACK.
HE SIGNED A NEW BILL THAT LEAVES

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DISNEY IN CHARGE OF PAYING
LOCAL TAXES, BUT TO OVERSEE THE

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DEVELOPMENT AREA, IT APPOINTS
A BOARD OF DESANTIS CRONIES,

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LIKE ONE OF THE PROPONENTS
BEHIND THE "DON'T SAY LL,

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A BUSINESSMAN WHO RUNS
A RIGHT-WING AN MINISTRY,

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00:10:39,538 --> 00:10:42,308
AN ATTORNEY WHO RUNS THE ORLANDO
CHAPTER OF THE FEDERALIST

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00:10:42,308 --> 00:10:50,049
SOCIETY, AND THE HUNTERO SHOT B.
NOW, DESANTIS PUT ON HIS SMUG

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FACE AND DEFENDED HIS NEW BILL
AT A PRESSER.

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00:10:53,285 --> 00:11:00,526
TODAY THE CORPORATE KINGDOM
FINALLY COMES TO AN END.

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00:11:00,526 --> 00:11:04,196
THERE'S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN
AND ACCOUNTABILITY WILL BE THE

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00:11:04,196 --> 00:11:08,934
ORDER OF THE DAY.
Stephen: YES, THE KIND OF

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00:11:08,934 --> 00:11:11,070
ACCOUNTABILITY THT THE
CORE OF HIS BOOK,

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"I PUKED IN THE TEA CUPS."
IT'S BEEN OVER TWO YEARS SINCE

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00:11:20,379 --> 00:11:22,915
THE JANUARY 6TH RIOT,
AND THE GOVERNMENT IS STILL

168
00:11:22,915 --> 00:11:26,152
ROUNDING UP THE PERPETRATORS.
YESTERDAY, THE FBI FINALLY

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00:11:26,152 --> 00:11:27,286
NABBED ONE THEY WERE LOOKING

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00:11:27,286 --> 00:11:30,923
FOR, A RIOTER NICKNAMED SEDITION
PANDA, BECAUSE

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HE WORE A GIANT PANDA HEAD
WHILE BREACHING THE CAPITOL

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00:11:33,225 --> 00:11:35,327
BUILDING.
LET'S CHECK HIM OUT.

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00:11:35,327 --> 00:11:38,197
THERE YA GO.
LOOKING LIKE A ROADIE

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00:11:38,197 --> 00:11:41,600
FOR THE BAND AT
CHUCK E. CHEESE.

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00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:44,437
YESTERDAY, SEDITION PANDA WAS
ARRESTED IN, NO SURPRISE,

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FLORIDA.
THERE YA GO.

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00:11:53,746 --> 00:11:57,183
SO WHEN RON DESANTIS SAYS
"MAKE AMERICA FLORIDA,"

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00:11:57,183 --> 00:12:00,453
THIS IS WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.
THAT'S WHY HE CALLED HIS BOOK

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00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:03,489
"A PANDA WITH A PLANDA."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW

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00:12:03,489 --> 00:12:07,126
FR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS KAL PENN,

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00:12:07,126 --> 00:12:11,797
I ALSO GET TO GIVE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT

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TO A YOUNG MAN NAMED PRINCE HARRY.

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00:12:13,899 --> 00:12:15,634
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL TELL
YOU WHICH OF THE LATEST DATING

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TRENDS MAKE ME HAPPIEST
THAT I AM ER SINGLE.

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JOIN US.

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00:12:58,310 --> 00:12:59,111
♪ ♪
Stephen: WELCOME BACK.

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00:12:59,111 --> 00:13:06,986
SAY HELLO TO THE BAND, EVERY EVERYBODY.

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00:13:06,986 --> 00:13:09,421
THERE YOU GO.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TONIGHT

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00:13:09,421 --> 00:13:12,625
WE'VE GOT SOME AMAZING, LOVELY GUESTS.

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00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:17,263
GOT ACTOR KAL PENN WILL BE OUT
HERE IN JUST A LITTLE WHILE.

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00:13:17,263 --> 00:13:23,636
BEFORE KAL GETS OUT HERE, WE
HAVE A LITTLE REVISITED WITH OUR

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00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:27,273
FRIEND, THE DUKE OF SUSSEX.
IS THAT WHO IT IS?

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00:13:27,273 --> 00:13:30,876
PRINCE HARRY IS GOING TO BE
TAKING THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT

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00:13:30,876 --> 00:13:34,180
RIGHT THERE TONIGHT.
HE WILL BE REVEALED BEFORE THE

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00:13:34,180 --> 00:13:37,116
WORLD.
IN WAYS THAT HIS 400 PAGE BOOK

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00:13:37,116 --> 00:13:41,554
HAS NOT YET DONE.
FOLKS, WE ALL KNOW

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00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:43,422
MODERN COURTSHIP STANDARDS
ARE HARD TO KEEP UP WITH.

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00:13:43,422 --> 00:13:44,723
THAT'S WHY, WHEN YOU WANT THE
LATEST NEWS IN YOUNG PEOPLE'S

199
00:13:44,723 --> 00:13:47,726
DATING TRENDS, YOU TURN TO
A 58-YEAR-OLD MAN WHO'S BEEN

200
00:13:47,726 --> 00:13:58,737
MARRIED FOR 30 YEARS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

201
00:13:58,737 --> 00:14:05,477
ALL THINGS ROMANCE INPLAIN-
MY SEXY SEGMENT,

202
00:14:05,477 --> 00:14:11,150
"ROMANSPLAINING WITH
STEPHEN COLBERT."

203
00:14:11,150 --> 00:14:16,188
Stephen: FIRST UP,
FOLKS, THE KEY TO A HAPPY

204
00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:19,625
MARRIAGE MAY BE SEPARATION.
ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY,

205
00:14:19,625 --> 00:14:21,327
ONE IN FIVE COUPLES SLEEP
IN SEPARATE BEDROOMS

206
00:14:21,327 --> 00:14:22,861
IN SOMETHING CALLED
DIVORCE."

207
00:14:22,861 --> 00:14:26,232
OF COURSE, THE TOUGHEST PART IS
WHEN YOU HAVE TO BREAK IT

208
00:14:26,232 --> 00:14:29,702
TO THE PILLOWS.
"IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

209
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:43,015
MOMMY AND DADDY STILL
LOVE EACH OTHER, BUT DADDY WON'T

210
00:14:43,015 --> 00:14:46,885
NEXT UP, VALENTINE'S DAY WAS TWO
WEEKS AGO AND I THINK IT

211
00:14:46,885 --> 00:14:50,956
MIGHT'VE GONE BADLY FOR SOME
GUYS BECAUSE THE SURVEY FOUND

212
00:14:50,956 --> 00:14:55,427
THAT 42% OF U.S. MEN HAD PLANNED
TO USE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE

213
00:14:55,427 --> 00:14:57,096
TO WRITE THEIR VALENTINES NOTE.
THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

214
00:14:57,096 --> 00:14:58,998
THERE'S NO WAY A.I. CAN MATCH
THE HEARTFELT SINCERITY OF

215
00:14:58,998 --> 00:15:00,199
GRABBED AT CVS ON YOUR WAY HOME
FROM WORK.

216
00:15:00,199 --> 00:15:03,535
ALTHOUGH WE ACTUALLY HAVE ONE OF
THE A.I. GENERATED CARDS.

217
00:15:03,535 --> 00:15:05,838
"ROSES ARE RED,
AND THAT IS SURPRISING.

218
00:15:05,838 --> 00:15:07,706
NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE
ROBOT UPRISING.

219
00:15:07,706 --> 00:15:18,017
GOODBYE!"
NEXT...

220
00:15:18,017 --> 00:15:19,518
NEXT UP, THERE'S A NEW TIKTOK
TREND CALLED

221
00:15:19,518 --> 00:15:23,222
"HOME DEPOT DATING,"
WHERE SINGLE WOMEN ARE SHOPPING

222
00:15:23,222 --> 00:15:26,258
FOR "HUSBAND MATERIAL"
AT THE HOME IMPROVEMENT STORE

223
00:15:26,258 --> 00:15:28,427
IN THE HOPES THEY'LL FIND
A SOUL MATE

224
00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:31,697
BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING
WE ASSOCIATE WITH HOME DEPOT,

225
00:15:31,697 --> 00:15:37,069
IT'S BEING ABLE TO FIND WHAT
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

226
00:15:37,069 --> 00:15:39,838
ONE WOMAN EVEN ADVISED HER
SOCIAL MEDIA FOLLOWERS TO

227
00:15:39,838 --> 00:15:43,876
"DELETE THE DATING APPS
IN 2023," SAYING "I'M HEADED

228
00:15:43,876 --> 00:15:53,719
TO HOME DEPOT TO LOOK CONFUSED
IN THE LUMBER AISLE."

229
00:15:53,719 --> 00:15:58,023
FEIGNING HELPLESSNESS IS A
CLASSIC STRATEGY.

230
00:15:58,023 --> 00:15:59,491
"HOW DID WE MEET?
THE CUTEST STORY:

231
00:15:59,491 --> 00:16:01,226
I USED TO PROWL THE LOCAL WING
STOP AND I CAUGHT HIS EYE

232
00:16:01,226 --> 00:16:05,064
BY CHOKING ON A CHICKEN BONE."
THE TREND IS HOT WHICH MIGHT

233
00:16:05,064 --> 00:16:07,966
EXPLAIN THIS FROM
HOME DEPOT'S COMPETTORS.

234
00:16:07,966 --> 00:16:11,637
ACE IS THE PLACE
WITH THE GUYS WHO'RE 6'2.

235
00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:13,939
Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH PRINCE HARRY TAKING

236
00:16:13,939 --> 00:16:15,941
THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT.

237
00:16:36,295 --> 00:16:37,496
♪ ♪
Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.

238
00:16:37,496 --> 00:16:43,068
RIGHT THERE WE HAVE THE AUTHOR
OF THE NEW BEST SELLER "SPARE."

239
00:16:43,068 --> 00:16:47,206
I AM HERE WITH PRINCE HARRY.
HARRY, I BELIEVE YOU SAID I

240
00:16:47,206 --> 00:16:48,741
COULD CALL YOU HARRY.
Prince Harry: I SAID YOU

241
00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:51,377
CAN CALL ME WHATEVER HE WANTS.
Stephen: BECAUSE WE ARE

242
00:16:51,377 --> 00:16:55,347
SUCH DEAR FRIENDS NOW THAT I'VE
READ YOUR BOOK I FEEL LIKE WE

243
00:16:55,347 --> 00:16:59,318
KNOW EACH OTHER VERY WELL.
A WONDERFUL INTERVIEW THE OTHER

244
00:16:59,318 --> 00:17:00,886
NIGHT THAT EVERYONE ACCLAIMED AS GROUNDBREAKING.

245
00:17:00,886 --> 00:17:04,022
BUT THE THING IS THAT EVEN AFTER
READING 400 PAGES OF YOUR BOOK,

246
00:17:04,022 --> 00:17:08,026
THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH YOU CAN FIT
INTO 400 PAGES AND I FEEL LIKE I

247
00:17:08,026 --> 00:17:11,063
DON'T KNOW YOU AS WELL AS I
WOULD LIKE TO.

248
00:17:11,063 --> 00:17:14,733
MY TEAM UP THERE HAVE COME UP
WITH 15.

249
00:17:14,733 --> 00:17:17,536
Prince Harry: YOU HAVE A
LAB?

250
00:17:17,536 --> 00:17:20,472
THAT EXPLAINS A LOT.
Stephen: MY TEAM HAS COME

251
00:17:20,472 --> 00:17:23,142
UP WITH 15 QUESTIONS
SCIENTIFICALLY CALCULATED TO

252
00:17:23,142 --> 00:17:27,179
PLUMB THE DEPTHS OF ANYONE, TO
REVEAL THEIR SOUL TO THE WORLD.

253
00:17:27,179 --> 00:17:28,714
THIS IS GOING TO OPEN YOU UP TO
THE WORLD.

254
00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:32,985
ARE YOU PREPARED TO BE KNOWN BY
THE WORLD AFTER YOU ANSWER WHAT

255
00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:35,354
HISTORY WILL CALL THE
COLBERT QUESTIONERT?

256
00:17:35,354 --> 00:17:39,992
Prince Harry: NO, BUT LET'S
DO IT.

257
00:17:39,992 --> 00:17:46,832
♪ ♪
Stephen: HARRY, WHAT IS THE

258
00:17:46,832 --> 00:17:53,071
BEST SANDWICH?
Prince Harry: HMM.

259
00:17:53,071 --> 00:18:01,246
I WOULD SAY A CHEESE AND HAM
TOASTY WITH DIJON MUSTARD ON

260
00:18:01,246 --> 00:18:03,715
TOP.
Stephen: TOASTY MEANS

261
00:18:03,715 --> 00:18:05,584
GRILLED?
Prince Harry: A TOASTING

262
00:18:05,584 --> 00:18:08,320
MACHINE?
Stephen: LIKE A PANINI

263
00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,522
PRESS?
Prince Harry: I HAVE TO BE

264
00:18:10,522 --> 00:18:13,158
CAREFUL WITH THE QUESTIONS
BECAUSE THE AMERICANISM'S, IT'S

265
00:18:13,158 --> 00:18:15,260
VERY DIFFERENT.
IT GOT ME IN MY LIFE INTO A

266
00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:19,932
LITTLE TROUBLE.
Stephen: THE WORD FANNY IS

267
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:21,033
ONE THAT'S MOST UPSETTING.
Prince Harry: BUT THEN

268
00:18:21,033 --> 00:18:29,942
THERE IS A FANNY PACK.
Stephen: FANNY TO US IS

269
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:31,877
DIFFERENT THAN FANNY'S TO Y'ALL.
Prince Harry: I WAS GOING

270
00:18:31,877 --> 00:18:48,594
TALK ABOUT BAY-ZEL AND BAZ-IL.
Stephen: VITAMIN AND

271
00:18:48,594 --> 00:18:52,397
VIT-AMIN.
Prince Harry: HORSEBACK

272
00:18:52,397 --> 00:19:00,405
RIDING ON HORSEBACK RIDING.
THAT INSTANTLY BECOMES A MEME.

273
00:19:00,405 --> 00:19:02,708
Stephen: WHAT IS ONE THING
YOU OWN THAT YOU SHOULD REALLY

274
00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:10,549
THROW OUT?
Prince Harry: OOH, UH.

275
00:19:10,549 --> 00:19:13,085
RIPPED BOXER SHORTS.
Stephen: WHY DO YOU STILL

276
00:19:13,085 --> 00:19:14,019
HAVE THEM?
Prince Harry: I DON'T WANT

277
00:19:14,019 --> 00:19:17,923
TO LET THEM GO.
Stephen: FOND MEMORIES?

278
00:19:17,923 --> 00:19:24,162
Prince Harry: [LAUGHS]
Stephen: HARRY, WHAT IS THE

279
00:19:24,162 --> 00:19:26,465
SCARIEST ANIMAL?
Prince Harry: THE SCARIEST

280
00:19:26,465 --> 00:19:30,168
ANIMAL TO ME IS A SNAKE.
Stephen: DID YOU SEE ANY

281
00:19:30,168 --> 00:19:38,443
GOOD ONES IN AFRICA?
BLACK MAMBAS OR SOMETHING.

282
00:19:38,443 --> 00:19:40,279
Prince Harry: SNAKES CAN
GET ANYWHERE.

283
00:19:40,279 --> 00:19:42,814
Stephen: ANYWHERE.
APPLES OR ORANGES?

284
00:19:42,814 --> 00:19:50,856
Prince Harry: ORANGES.
DUH.

285
00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:53,358
Stephen: SOMETHING WEIRDLY
CANNIBALISTIC ABOUT THAT.

286
00:19:53,358 --> 00:19:56,428
HAVE YOU EVER--
Prince Harry: IF WE BITE

287
00:19:56,428 --> 00:20:04,369
YOU, YOU GET GINGIVITIS.
[LAUGHTER]

288
00:20:04,369 --> 00:20:06,838
YOU SECRETLY WANT TO BE BITTEN,
DON'T YOU?

289
00:20:06,838 --> 00:20:09,274
Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER
ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR

290
00:20:09,274 --> 00:20:11,109
AUTOGRAPH?
Prince Harry: YES.

291
00:20:11,109 --> 00:20:15,080
Stephen: MAY I ASK WHO?
Prince Harry: THE RUGBY

292
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:18,183
TEAM IN 2003.
AT THE WORLD CUP FINAL.

293
00:20:18,183 --> 00:20:25,057
AFTER A FEW DRINKS.
I WAS WALKING AROUND GOING,

294
00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:29,661
JOHNNY, JOHNNY, MIKE, MIKE.
THEY WERE ALL STANDING THERE

295
00:20:29,661 --> 00:20:33,265
NAKED BUT I GOT ALL 15 SIGNATURES.

296
00:20:33,265 --> 00:20:37,869
Stephen: THEY SIGNED WITH
PENS?

297
00:20:37,869 --> 00:20:42,040
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN
WE DIE?

298
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:47,112
Prince Harry: I THINK WE
BECOME ANIMALS.

299
00:20:47,112 --> 00:20:50,916
Stephen: I LIKE THAT.
LIKE, WE REINCARNATE?

300
00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:53,685
DO YOU HAVE AN ANIMAL HE WOULD
LIKE TO COME BACK AS?

301
00:20:53,685 --> 00:20:56,421
Prince Harry: PROBABLY AN ELEPHANT.

302
00:20:56,421 --> 00:20:59,825
Stephen: FAVORITE ACTION
MOVIE?

303
00:20:59,825 --> 00:21:04,630
TOUGH QUESTIONS.
Prince Harry: GLADIATOR.

304
00:21:04,630 --> 00:21:09,234
YEAH.
[APPLAUSE]

305
00:21:09,234 --> 00:21:13,639
Stephen: YOU KNOW THE
EMPEROR AND THAT, MARCUS REALLYE

306
00:21:13,639 --> 00:21:16,475
WHO GETS KILLED.
HE SAID LET US HAVE AN END TO

307
00:21:16,475 --> 00:21:21,647
THIS DEBATE ABOUT WHAT MAKES A
GOOD MAN AND BE ONE.

308
00:21:21,647 --> 00:21:23,749
YOU CAN USE THAT.
Prince Harry: GOOD

309
00:21:23,749 --> 00:21:29,855
KNOWLEDGE.
Stephen: WINDOW OR AISLE?

310
00:21:29,855 --> 00:21:40,899
Prince Harry: COCKPIT.
Stephen: FAVORITE SMELL?

311
00:21:40,899 --> 00:21:43,001
Prince Harry: FAVORITE
SMELL.

312
00:21:43,001 --> 00:21:48,040
MY WIFE.
Stephen: LEAST FAVORITE

313
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:58,450
SMELL.
Prince Harry: UHHH.

314
00:21:58,450 --> 00:22:04,289
[SNIFFING]
[LAUGHTER]

315
00:22:04,289 --> 00:22:11,396
Stephen: MOST USED APP ON
YOUR PHONE.

316
00:22:11,396 --> 00:22:16,668
Prince Harry: FOR ME
GENERALLY BETTER UP.

317
00:22:16,668 --> 00:22:19,504
Stephen: WHAT IS BETTER UP?
Prince Harry: IT'S A

318
00:22:19,504 --> 00:22:20,972
COACHING PLATFORM WHICH I AM
PART OF.

319
00:22:20,972 --> 00:22:27,946
THE QUICKEST ACCESS TO HEALTH COACHING.

320
00:22:27,946 --> 00:22:34,586
Stephen: CATS OR DOGS?
Prince Harry: DOGS,

321
00:22:34,586 --> 00:22:38,457
OBVIOUSLY.
CATS.

322
00:22:38,457 --> 00:22:41,727
Prince Harry: YOU ONLY GET
ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE

323
00:22:41,727 --> 00:22:42,928
REST OF YOUR LIFE.
WHAT IS IT?

324
00:22:42,928 --> 00:22:46,031
KEEP IN MIND YOU DON'T HAVE TO
LISTEN TO IT CONTINUALLY BUT

325
00:22:46,031 --> 00:22:52,037
WHEN YOU WANT TO GO LISTEN TO A
SONG, IT HAS TO BE THIS ONE.

326
00:22:52,037 --> 00:22:57,409
Prince Harry: LOVE GETS
SWEETER EVERY DAY.

327
00:22:57,409 --> 00:23:01,913
Stephen: NOT FAMILIAR.
Prince Harry: YOU NEED MORE

328
00:23:01,913 --> 00:23:03,749
LOVE IN YOUR LIFE.
Stephen: I CAN'T POSSIBLY

329
00:23:03,749 --> 00:23:07,586
HAVE MORE LOVE IN MY LIFE.
HAVE YOU MET MY WIFE?

330
00:23:07,586 --> 00:23:20,065
Prince Harry: YES, WE MET EARLIER.

331
00:23:20,065 --> 00:23:29,074
I HAVE DINNER PLANS WITH YOUR WIFE.

332
00:23:29,074 --> 00:23:32,310
Stephen: NOTHING WOULD MAKE
HER HAPPIER.

333
00:23:32,310 --> 00:23:36,214
YOU KNOW THOSE PEOPLE IN THE
WORLD, THEY ARE LIKE, THEY ARE

334
00:23:36,214 --> 00:23:38,850
LIKE, I LOVE THE ROYAL FAMILY.
I TOTALLY GET THAT.

335
00:23:38,850 --> 00:23:43,054
THAT IS MY WIFE.
I AM LIKE, I'VE GOT NO HOSTILITY

336
00:23:43,054 --> 00:23:45,323
AGAINST YOU GUYS.
A LITTLE.

337
00:23:45,323 --> 00:23:48,160
NO HOSTILITY BECAUSE YOU TOOK MY
FAMILY'S LAND BACK IN IRELAND.

338
00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:50,762
I AM OVER IT.
I AM OVER IT.

339
00:23:50,762 --> 00:23:53,098
Prince Harry: IT DOESN'T
SOUND LIKE YOU ARE.

340
00:23:53,098 --> 00:23:58,303
I'M VERY SORRY.
Stephen: SHE IS AN

341
00:23:58,303 --> 00:24:00,705
INCESSANT ANGLOPHILE.
SHE SPENT SOME TIME AT

342
00:24:00,705 --> 00:24:03,408
CAMBRIDGE.
SHE LOVES YOUR WHOLE FAMILY.

343
00:24:03,408 --> 00:24:04,843
IF SIX ORDINARY.
Prince Harry: WONDERFUL.

344
00:24:04,843 --> 00:24:10,015
Stephen: IT IS THE ONE
THING THAT WE DISAGREE ABOUT.

345
00:24:10,015 --> 00:24:15,654
I AM READING THIS BOOK GOING,
"GET 'EM, HARRY."

346
00:24:15,654 --> 00:24:21,326
I DON'T MEAN THAT AT ALL.
WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OUT?

347
00:24:21,326 --> 00:24:26,097
Prince Harry: WHAT?
Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I

348
00:24:26,097 --> 00:24:28,533
THINKING OF?
Prince Harry: ONE.

349
00:24:28,533 --> 00:24:30,535
Stephen: NO.
Prince Harry: HANG ON A

350
00:24:30,535 --> 00:24:34,239
SECOND.
ARE THESE THE SAME QUESTIONS YOU

351
00:24:34,239 --> 00:24:35,607
ASK EVERYBODY ELSE.
Stephen: EVERYBODY GETS THE

352
00:24:35,607 --> 00:24:39,978
SAME QUESTION.
Prince Harry: HAS

353
00:24:39,978 --> 00:24:42,714
ANYONE.NET RIGHT.
IS THERE A NUMBER YOU'RE

354
00:24:42,714 --> 00:24:46,051
THINKING OF?
IS IT BETWEEN 1 AND 10?

355
00:24:46,051 --> 00:24:47,586
Stephen: WHY WHAT I TELL
YOU?

356
00:24:47,586 --> 00:24:51,790
YOU GOT IT WRONG.
IF YOU GOT IT RIGHT I WILL BE

357
00:24:51,790 --> 00:24:53,925
ABLE TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION.
IT'S ONE OF THE THINGS YOU WIN.

358
00:24:53,925 --> 00:24:56,761
Prince Harry: WHAT DO I WIN.

359
00:24:56,761 --> 00:24:59,531
Stephen: YOU GET TO BE
KNOWN BY PEOPLE.

360
00:24:59,531 --> 00:25:03,101
WHAT DO YOU MOST WANT TO BE, HARRY.

361
00:25:03,101 --> 00:25:05,303
NOT ALONE.
I READ YOUR BOOK.

362
00:25:05,303 --> 00:25:19,951
WE WANT TO BE KNOWN.
YOU'RE WELCOME.

363
00:25:19,951 --> 00:25:20,919
HAVE YOU ENJOYED--
Prince Harry: SECURITY.

364
00:25:20,919 --> 00:25:23,989
CAN YOU GUYS COME AND GET ME OUT
OF HERE.

365
00:25:23,989 --> 00:25:31,129
Stephen: HE'S GOT RED HAIR.
SITTING NEXT TO THE DESK.

366
00:25:31,129 --> 00:25:37,369
DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
IN FIVE WORDS.

367
00:25:37,369 --> 00:25:40,972
Prince Harry: FIVE SEPARATE
WORDS OR A SENTENCE?

368
00:25:40,972 --> 00:25:43,475
Stephen: EITHER WAY.
NO ONE HAS EVER ASKED THAT

369
00:25:43,475 --> 00:25:47,579
BEFORE.
YOU CAN DO IT AS A PASTICHE OF

370
00:25:47,579 --> 00:25:52,284
THESE FIVE WORDS OR MEANINGFUL
SENTENCE TO YOU.

371
00:25:52,284 --> 00:25:59,724
THAT IS MORE THAN FIVE.
Prince Harry: FREEDOM.

372
00:25:59,724 --> 00:26:04,763
HAPPINESS.
CLARITY.

373
00:26:04,763 --> 00:26:07,432
SPACE, LOVE.
[APPLAUSE]

374
00:26:07,432 --> 00:26:14,139
Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU ARE KNOWN.

375
00:26:14,139 --> 00:26:17,042
"SPARE" IS AVAILABLE NOW.
PRINCE HARRY, EVERYBODY.

376
00:26:17,042 --> 00:26:18,310
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

377
00:26:31,790 --> 00:26:32,457
♪ ♪
Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

378
00:26:32,457 --> 00:26:40,765
EVERYBODY.
WELCOME BACK, FOLKS.

379
00:26:40,765 --> 00:26:44,836
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACTOR

380
00:26:44,836 --> 00:26:46,404
YOU KNOW FROM
"HAROLD AND KUMAR,"

381
00:26:46,404 --> 00:26:48,173
"HOUSE,"
AND "DESIGNATED SURVIVOR."

382
00:26:48,173 --> 00:26:57,148
PLEASE WELCOME BACK
TO "THE LATE SHOW," KAL PENN.

383
00:26:57,148 --> 00:27:05,023
♪ ♪
Kal: THANK YOU.

384
00:27:05,023 --> 00:27:06,524
Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

385
00:27:06,524 --> 00:27:08,059
Kal: HOW ARE YOU, NICE TO
SEE YOU.

386
00:27:08,059 --> 00:27:10,562
Stephen: I WANT TO KNOW HOW
YOU'RE DOING BECAUSE IN TWO

387
00:27:10,562 --> 00:27:14,399
WEEKS ARE GOING TO BE HOSTING
"THE DAILY SHOW" FOR A WEEK AND

388
00:27:14,399 --> 00:27:19,571
HOW ARE YOU FEELING ABOUT THAT?
THAT'S A FUN GIG.

389
00:27:19,571 --> 00:27:23,375
Kal: IT'S A DREAM JOB.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I AM

390
00:27:23,375 --> 00:27:26,878
SITTING HERE WITH YOU OF ALL
PEOPLE GETTING TO TALK ABOUT IT.

391
00:27:26,878 --> 00:27:31,750
Stephen: YOU ARE NOT JUST
GUESTING?

392
00:27:31,750 --> 00:27:35,053
Kal: I HAVE SPENT MY CAREER
BEING HUMBLE AND PUTTING MY HEAD

393
00:27:35,053 --> 00:27:37,889
DOWN AND ALL THAT AND NOW I'M
LIKE, THIS IS A JOB I WANT.

394
00:27:37,889 --> 00:27:41,092
I WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW I WANT THE JOB.

395
00:27:41,092 --> 00:27:42,961
OBVIOUSLY.
IT'S AN INCREDIBLE OPPORTUNITY.

396
00:27:42,961 --> 00:27:45,730
I AM EXCITED TO GUEST HOST BUT
IF OFFERED THE PERMANENT GAIN

397
00:27:45,730 --> 00:27:50,435
COME OFF COURSE I WOULD TAKE IT.
IT WOULD BE A DREAM JOB.

398
00:27:50,435 --> 00:27:56,374
Stephen: HAVE YOU SOUGHT
ANY ADVICE FROM ANYONE OF THE

399
00:27:56,374 --> 00:28:01,746
PREVIOUS HOSTS?
Kal: I RAN INTO JON STEWART

400
00:28:01,746 --> 00:28:05,583
AT THE KNICKS GAME A COUPLE
WEEKS AGO AND I DID ASK, HEY, I

401
00:28:05,583 --> 00:28:06,985
AM GUEST POSTING.
ANY ADVICE?

402
00:28:06,985 --> 00:28:10,588
HE SAID ONE OF THE GREATEST
THINGS AND A TESTAMENT TO HOW

403
00:28:10,588 --> 00:28:13,425
LOVED THAT SHOW IS, FIRST HE
SAID JUST BE YOURSELF AND HAVE

404
00:28:13,425 --> 00:28:15,627
FUN.
AND THEN SPENT THE REST OF THE

405
00:28:15,627 --> 00:28:17,896
TIME TALKING ABOUT HOW
INCREDIBLE THE SHOWRUNNER OF THE

406
00:28:17,896 --> 00:28:19,931
WRITERS AND THE CREW OF THE
WHOLE TEAM ARE WHICH REALLY

407
00:28:19,931 --> 00:28:22,434
SHOWS YOU A LOVE FOR THE
FRANCHISE THAT MADE ME EVEN MORE

408
00:28:22,434 --> 00:28:25,904
EXCITED.
NOW YOU ASKED ME THAT QUESTION,

409
00:28:25,904 --> 00:28:29,007
I SHOULD ASK YOU FOR ADVICE.
Stephen: I AUDITIONED FOR

410
00:28:29,007 --> 00:28:33,378
THAT SHOW IN 1999 AND THEY GAVE
IT TO JON STEWART.

411
00:28:33,378 --> 00:28:40,618
I WORK FOR CRAIG KILBURN.
I WAS THERE BEFORE JON.

412
00:28:40,618 --> 00:28:43,021
FOR THE RECORD, I WAS THERE FIRST.

413
00:28:43,021 --> 00:28:48,393
I LICKED THAT DOUGHNUT AND THEY
WIPED IT OFF AND GAVE IT TO JON

414
00:28:48,393 --> 00:28:50,929
THE WRITERS AND PRODUCERS ARE AMAZING.

415
00:28:50,929 --> 00:28:52,130
THE EXECUTIVE SHOWRUNNER IS INCREDIBLE.

416
00:28:52,130 --> 00:28:54,766
YOU WILL BE GREAT.
TALK ABOUT THE THINGS YOU

417
00:28:54,766 --> 00:28:58,603
ACTUALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT.
DON'T FAKE IT.

418
00:28:58,603 --> 00:29:00,972
Kal: NO FAKING IT.
I GREW UP ON THAT SHOW.

419
00:29:00,972 --> 00:29:03,508
I'M A BIG FAN OF SATIRE AND COMEDY.

420
00:29:03,508 --> 00:29:05,310
Stephen: YOU GREW UP ON THE
ACTUAL?

421
00:29:05,310 --> 00:29:07,445
Kal: LATE HIGH SCHOOL,
EARLY COLLEGE.

422
00:29:07,445 --> 00:29:12,183
I WASN'T 7 YEARS OLD.
I'M NOT THAT YOUNG.

423
00:29:12,183 --> 00:29:16,588
THIS IS GOING SO POORLY ALREADY.
MY BACKGROUND IS COMEDY.

424
00:29:16,588 --> 00:29:19,324
THAT'S MY FIRST LOVE AND HAVE A
HAVE A CHANCE TO TAKE A

425
00:29:19,324 --> 00:29:22,594
SABBATICAL AND WORK IN POLITICS,
I WOULD LOVE TO BE ABLE TO MERGE

426
00:29:22,594 --> 00:29:24,896
THOSE TWO TOGETHER IN A FUN
COMEDY SHOW.

427
00:29:24,896 --> 00:29:28,766
Stephen: YOU HAVE A CRAZY
CV IN THAT REGARD.

428
00:29:28,766 --> 00:29:32,137
FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW, YOU
ARE KNOWN AS A POPULAR ACTOR AND

429
00:29:32,137 --> 00:29:35,340
THEN YOU WENT AND WORKED FOR THE
OBAMA WHITE HOUSE.

430
00:29:35,340 --> 00:29:38,409
HOW LONG WERE YOU THERE?
Kal: TWO AND A HALF YEARS.

431
00:29:38,409 --> 00:29:41,779
Stephen: A GOOD CHUNK.
Kal: THANK YOU.

432
00:29:41,779 --> 00:29:44,983
Stephen: WHAT WAS THAT
TRANSITION LIKE FOR YOU?

433
00:29:44,983 --> 00:29:48,653
Kal: WELL, THERE WERE SOME
LEARNING CURVES.

434
00:29:48,653 --> 00:29:52,757
I REMEMBER PROBABLY MY THIRD DAY
AT THE WHITE HOUSE, I WAS CCED

435
00:29:52,757 --> 00:29:56,861
ON A BIG EMAIL CHAIN WITH THE
NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL AND IN

436
00:29:56,861 --> 00:29:59,330
GOVERNMENT, EVERYTHING IS
SPELLED OUT AND THEN IT'S

437
00:29:59,330 --> 00:30:02,834
ACRONYMS FOR THE REST OF THE
EMAIL AND I LEARNED THIS THE

438
00:30:02,834 --> 00:30:06,004
HARD WAY.
THE EMAIL SAID KAL, WE NEED YOU

439
00:30:06,004 --> 00:30:12,310
TO KNOW ABOUT THE MORO ISLAMIC
LIBERATION FRONT AND IN

440
00:30:12,310 --> 00:30:17,382
PARENTHESES IT SAID MILF.
TRUE STORY.

441
00:30:17,382 --> 00:30:22,387
THE REST OF THE EMAIL SAID MILK

442
00:30:25,056 --> 00:30:28,493
IS CONSIDERED HIGHLY DANGEROUS,
RECRUITS YOUNG MEN.

443
00:30:28,493 --> 00:30:31,796
WITHOUT THINKING, I THOUGHT THIS
WAS THE GREATEST THING, I HIT

444
00:30:31,796 --> 00:30:39,604
REPLY ALL AND I WROTE SOMETHING
LIKE "THE MAIN TERROR GROUP, THE

445
00:30:39,604 --> 00:30:44,175
MILFS, AMAZING."
AS SOON AS I HIT SEND, I THOUGHT

446
00:30:44,175 --> 00:30:47,278
IT'S NOT A WRITERS ROOM!
IT'S THE NATIONAL SECURITY

447
00:30:47,278 --> 00:30:49,614
COUNCIL.
THERE WAS SILENCE ON THE EMAIL

448
00:30:49,614 --> 00:30:51,916
CHAIN.
IN THE HALLWAY, PEOPLE RELY,

449
00:30:51,916 --> 00:30:57,222
THAT IS SO FUNNY.
BUT NOT ON THE RECORD.

450
00:30:57,222 --> 00:30:59,724
THERE WAS A LEARNING CURVE BUT I
DO FEEL LIKE MAYBE IT PREPPED ME

451
00:30:59,724 --> 00:31:03,127
FOR THIS COMING COUPLE WEEKS.
Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A

452
00:31:03,127 --> 00:31:05,163
QUICK BREAK BUT STICK AROUND.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE KAL

453
00:31:05,163 --> 00:31:05,930
PENN, EVERYBDY.

454
00:31:15,807 --> 00:31:17,175
Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
THAT CARE WITH THE HOST OF

455
00:31:17,175 --> 00:31:20,245
"GETTING WARMER WITH KAL PENN,"
KAL PENN.

456
00:31:20,245 --> 00:31:22,647
YOU HOST A DOCUSERIES CALLED
"GETTING WARMER WITH KAL PENN."

457
00:31:22,647 --> 00:31:26,050
IT'S ABOUT THE CLIMATE CRISIS.
WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED?

458
00:31:26,050 --> 00:31:28,820
I ASSUME YOU MUST'VE BEEN FAIRLY
INFORMED ABOUT THIS BEFORE.

459
00:31:28,820 --> 00:31:32,423
WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED THAT
SURPRISED EVEN YOU AS YOU ARE

460
00:31:32,423 --> 00:31:35,627
DOING THIS SERIES?
Kal: THIS SHOW WAS MOSTLY

461
00:31:35,627 --> 00:31:38,029
ABOUT CLIMATE SOLUTIONS.
IT IS NOT THE DOOM AND GLOOM

462
00:31:38,029 --> 00:31:40,798
THING.
IT'S DOING THINGS RIGHT,

463
00:31:40,798 --> 00:31:43,301
ADVOCATES AND BUSINESSES.
WHAT SURPRISED ME WAS A LOT OF

464
00:31:43,301 --> 00:31:49,407
PEOPLE WHO FINANCED THE CLEAN
ENERGY STUFF, SOLAR PANELS OR

465
00:31:49,407 --> 00:31:55,680
CLEANTECH OR INNOVATION, SOME OF
THE FOLKS WHO AT LEAST ON PAPER

466
00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:58,016
KIND OF ATTACK THOSE INNOVATIONS.

467
00:31:58,016 --> 00:32:01,619
THEY KNOW THAT IT'S PROFITABLE.
THEY KNOW THIS IS THE RIGHT

468
00:32:01,619 --> 00:32:03,454
DIRECTION FOR OUR PLANET AND FOR BUSINESS.

469
00:32:03,454 --> 00:32:05,356
THEY KNOW IT'S POSSIBLE TO HAVE BOTH.

470
00:32:05,356 --> 00:32:08,459
THAT WAS KIND OF EYE-OPENING.
I ACTUALLY DIDN'T THINK--

471
00:32:08,459 --> 00:32:11,496
THERE WAS ONE WAY OF LOOKING AT
IT THAT WAS LIKE WHAT A BUMMER

472
00:32:11,496 --> 00:32:14,065
BUT THE OTHER WAY WAS THIS IS GREAT.

473
00:32:14,065 --> 00:32:17,702
THINGS ARE ON THE RIGHT TRACK
DESPITE ALL THE CABLE NEWS

474
00:32:17,702 --> 00:32:20,705
NONSENSE THAT PEOPLE ARE STILL
DOING THE RIGHT THING.

475
00:32:20,705 --> 00:32:23,107
Stephen: THAT'S THE
INTERESTING THING ABOUT

476
00:32:23,107 --> 00:32:26,944
RESPONSES TO THE CLIMATE CRISIS
AND SUSTAINABLE ENERGY.

477
00:32:26,944 --> 00:32:31,983
AND A LOT OF RED STATES, THERE'S
STEALTH SUSTAINABLE ENERGY BEING

478
00:32:31,983 --> 00:32:36,087
BUILT UP.
SOUTH CAROLINA.

479
00:32:36,087 --> 00:32:39,524
EVERY TIME I FLY BACK HOME, AT
THE AIRPORT, EVERY WAREHOUSE,

480
00:32:39,524 --> 00:32:43,227
EVERY MANUFACTURING BUILDING,
ALL THE ROOFS ARE COVERED WITH

481
00:32:43,227 --> 00:32:47,332
SOLAR PANELS.
IT'S PROFITABLE NOW.

482
00:32:47,332 --> 00:32:52,470
IT HELPS.
WELL, YOU WORKED, AS YOU SAID,

483
00:32:52,470 --> 00:32:54,806
COUPLE YEARS OF THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION.

484
00:32:54,806 --> 00:32:59,110
DID YOU WORK ON CLIMATE ISSUES?
Kal: I WORKED ON YOUTH

485
00:32:59,110 --> 00:33:01,312
OUTREACH PRIMARILY.
I REMEMBER HELPING PUT TOGETHER

486
00:33:01,312 --> 00:33:06,784
A BIG SUMMIT FOR YOUNG PEOPLE ON
CLIMATE CHANGE.

487
00:33:06,784 --> 00:33:10,154
THAT WAS PROBABLY THE FIRST TIME
I SAW, THERE WERE YOUNG

488
00:33:10,154 --> 00:33:13,057
PROGRESSIVES WE INVITED BUT ALSO
YOUNG EVEN TO LOCAL CONSERVATIVE

489
00:33:13,057 --> 00:33:14,992
CHRISTIANS FOR WHOM CLIMATE WAS
A BIG ISSUE.

490
00:33:14,992 --> 00:33:19,063
THEY MIGHT HAVE DISAGREED WITH
OBAMA ON 99% OF OTHER THINGS IN

491
00:33:19,063 --> 00:33:22,233
THEIR VIEW ON CLIMATE WAS GOD
PUT US HERE TO TAKE CARE OF THE

492
00:33:22,233 --> 00:33:23,768
PLANET.
WHATEVER GETS YOU TO THE TABLE,

493
00:33:23,768 --> 00:33:26,904
IT WAS INSPIRING TO SEE OUR
PEOPLE CAN WORK TOGETHER ON AN

494
00:33:26,904 --> 00:33:31,542
ISSUE LIKE THAT.
ONE OF THE PLUSES.

495
00:33:31,542 --> 00:33:37,248
[APPLAUSE]
Stephen: WHEN YOU ARE IN

496
00:33:37,248 --> 00:33:40,418
THE WHITE HOUSE, DUE TO EVER
OCCUR TO YOU, MAYBE I COULD BE A

497
00:33:40,418 --> 00:33:42,220
POLITICIAN?
DID YOU THINK, I COULD RUN FOR

498
00:33:42,220 --> 00:33:44,922
OFFICE?
WHERE IS HOME?

499
00:33:44,922 --> 00:33:49,360
Kal: HOME IS NEW JERSEY.
Stephen: DO YOU EVER THINK

500
00:33:49,360 --> 00:33:51,662
ABOUT RUNNING TO REPRESENT SOME
PART OF THE STATE?

501
00:33:51,662 --> 00:33:53,331
Kal: I WAS VERY PROUD OF
THE WORK THAT I DID DURING MY

502
00:33:53,331 --> 00:33:57,001
SABBATICAL AT THE WHITE HOUSE
AND YOU ARE WELCOME FOR THE

503
00:33:57,001 --> 00:33:58,369
AFFORDABLE CARE ACT AND DON'T
ASK, DON'T TELL.

504
00:33:58,369 --> 00:34:01,272
Stephen: THAT WAS ALL YOU?
Kal: SINGLE-HANDEDLY IT WAS

505
00:34:01,272 --> 00:34:03,941
ALL ME.
BEING A TINY PART OF THOSE

506
00:34:03,941 --> 00:34:06,411
THINGS WONDERFUL AND FEELS GREAT
BUT I'VE GOT TO BE HONEST, BEING

507
00:34:06,411 --> 00:34:10,515
THE HOST OF THE DAILY SHOW
PERMANENTLY WOULD PAY WAY MORE

508
00:34:10,515 --> 00:34:15,253
THAN RUNNING FOR OFFICE.
Stephen: RUNNING FOR OFFICE

509
00:34:15,253 --> 00:34:18,589
PAYS VERY LITTLE AT ALL.
I CAN'T LET YOU GO WITHOUT

510
00:34:18,589 --> 00:34:20,324
ASKING SOMETHING, ABOUT
SOMETHING YOU ARE INVOLVED WITH

511
00:34:20,324 --> 00:34:22,927
LAST WEEK TO LET ME SEE IF I'VE
GOT THIS.

512
00:34:22,927 --> 00:34:26,364
I AM GOING TO SHOW THIS PHOTO
RIGHT HERE.

513
00:34:26,364 --> 00:34:28,833
HERE IS THIS PHOTO.
A LITTLE BIT CONFUSING WHEN YOU

514
00:34:28,833 --> 00:34:31,202
LOOK AT IT.
THAT IS YOU DOWN HERE.

515
00:34:31,202 --> 00:34:37,675
THIS IS IN THE METAVERSE.
THIS IS AN EVENT THAT WAS

516
00:34:37,675 --> 00:34:43,381
SPONSORED BY TACO BELL.
IT WAS THE TACO BELL METAVERSE

517
00:34:43,381 --> 00:34:44,882
WEDDING.
WHAT WAS THIS?

518
00:34:44,882 --> 00:34:51,189
WHAT WAS YOUR ROLE?
Kal: THIS ALSO PAYS MORE

519
00:34:51,189 --> 00:34:58,729
THAN RUNNING FOR OFFICE.
MAX RIGHT.

520
00:34:58,729 --> 00:35:00,832
IT'S TRUE.
Stephen: DADDY DON'T DO

521
00:35:00,832 --> 00:35:02,133
THIS FOR FREE.
Kal: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

522
00:35:02,133 --> 00:35:04,902
I LOVE TACOS AND TACO BELL
REACHED OUT AND SAID WE ARE

523
00:35:04,902 --> 00:35:07,438
LITERALLY DOING A WEDDING IN THE METAVERSE.

524
00:35:07,438 --> 00:35:11,909
WILL YOU MC IT?
I DIDN'T OFFICIATE.

525
00:35:11,909 --> 00:35:15,947
THE COUPLE HAD SOMEONE MUCH
CLOSER TO THEM WHO OFFICIATED.

526
00:35:15,947 --> 00:35:19,350
I HOSTED AND EMCEED.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AMAZING.

527
00:35:19,350 --> 00:35:21,519
ANYTIME SOMEBODY IS GETTING
MARRIED, THE IDEA OF CELEBRATING

528
00:35:21,519 --> 00:35:25,923
LOVE WAS GREAT BUT I LOVE TACOS
AND IT WAS JUST A WEIRD, FUN

529
00:35:25,923 --> 00:35:29,327
THING TO DO, HONESTLY.
Stephen: TALKING ABOUT YOU

530
00:35:29,327 --> 00:35:32,864
LOVE TACOS A LOT.
Kal: I DO LOVE TACOS A LOT.

531
00:35:32,864 --> 00:35:40,037
AND MONEY.
STAY WHEN THEY BOTH FOLD.

532
00:35:40,037 --> 00:35:42,874
Kal: AND LOVE. LOVE.

533
00:35:42,874 --> 00:35:46,811
Stephen: LOVE IS OFTEN
CALLED THE TACO OF EMOTIONS.

534
00:35:46,811 --> 00:35:50,748
NICE TO SEE YOU.
"GETTING WARMER WITH KAL PENN"

535
00:35:50,748 --> 00:35:54,519
IS STREAMING ON
BLOOMBERG TELEVISION

536
00:35:54,519 --> 00:35:55,253
AND HE'S HOSTING
THE "DAILY SHOW"

537
00:35:55,253 --> 00:35:59,323
MARCH 13TH.
KAL PENN, EVERYBODY.

538
00:35:59,323 --> 00:36:00,992
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH A PERFORMANCE BY

539
00:36:00,992 --> 00:36:02,426
BIG THIEF.

540
00:36:22,346 --> 00:36:24,048
AND NOW PERFORMING A NEW
UNRELEASED SONG

541
00:36:24,048 --> 00:36:26,250
VAMPIRE EMPIRE, BIG THIEF.

542
00:36:51,108 --> 00:36:53,144
♪ ♪
♪ WATCHING TV TIRED ♪

543
00:36:53,144 --> 00:36:56,781
♪ BLEEDING ON THE BED ♪
♪ THE MILK HAS JUST EXPIRED ♪

544
00:36:56,781 --> 00:36:59,650
♪ ALL THE LEAVES ARE DEAD ♪
♪ I'M NOT QUIET ♪

545
00:36:59,650 --> 00:37:02,587
♪ YOU'VE BEEN QUIET ♪
♪ JUST RECEIVING WHAT YOU SAID ♪

546
00:37:02,587 --> 00:37:04,188
♪ REELING FEEDING ♪
♪ FEELING FILLED BY ♪

547
00:37:04,188 --> 00:37:06,424
♪ EVERYTHING YOU FED ♪
♪ I SEE YOU ♪

548
00:37:06,424 --> 00:37:07,959
♪ AS YOU SEE YOURSELF ♪
♪ THROUGH ALL THE BOOKS ♪

549
00:37:07,959 --> 00:37:10,995
♪ YOU READ ♪
♪ OVERWHELMED WITH GUILT ♪

550
00:37:10,995 --> 00:37:15,566
♪ AND REALIZING THE DISEASE ♪
♪ YOU GIVE ME CHILLS ♪

551
00:37:15,566 --> 00:37:17,935
♪ I'VE HAD IT WITH THE DRILLS ♪
♪ I AM NOTHING, YOU ARE NOTHING,

552
00:37:17,935 --> 00:37:21,205
♪ WE ARE NOTHING ♪
♪ WITH THE PILLS ♪

553
00:37:21,205 --> 00:37:24,208
♪ I AM EMPTY 'TIL SHE FILLS ♪
♪ ALIVE UNTIL SHE KILLS ♪

554
00:37:24,208 --> 00:37:26,711
♪ IN HER VAMPIRE EMPIRE ♪
♪ I'M THE FISH ♪

555
00:37:26,711 --> 00:37:31,716
♪ AND SHE'S MY GILLS ♪

556
00:37:31,716 --> 00:37:36,854
♪ FALLING, YEAH ♪
♪ I SEE YOU THERE REJECTING ♪

557
00:37:36,854 --> 00:37:40,791
♪ ALL YOUR EARTHLY POWER ♪
♪ PROTECTING AND DISSECTING ♪

558
00:37:40,791 --> 00:37:42,593
♪ TILL YOU'VE EMPTIED ♪
♪ EVERY HOUR ♪

559
00:37:42,593 --> 00:37:45,396
♪ WE JUMPED INTO THE POND ♪
♪ AND THEN COME UNDER ♪

560
00:37:45,396 --> 00:37:48,299
♪ THE SHOWER ♪
♪ WE LAY UPON MY PILLOW ♪

561
00:37:48,299 --> 00:37:52,403
♪ AND YOU OPEN LIKE A FLOWER ♪
♪ I WANTED TO SEE YOU NAKED ♪

562
00:37:52,403 --> 00:37:56,741
♪ I WANTED TO HEAR YOU SCREAM ♪
♪ I WANTED TO KISS YOUR SKIN ♪

563
00:37:56,741 --> 00:37:59,777
♪ AND YOUR EVERYTHING ♪
♪ I WANTED TO BE YOUR WOMAN ♪

564
00:37:59,777 --> 00:38:03,581
♪ I WANTED TO BE YOUR MAN ♪
♪ I WANTED TO BE THE ONE ♪

565
00:38:03,581 --> 00:38:07,485
♪ THAT YOU COULD UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ YOU GIVE ME CHILLS ♪

566
00:38:07,485 --> 00:38:10,054
♪ I'VE HAD IT WITH THE DRILLS ♪
♪ I AM NOTHING ♪

567
00:38:10,054 --> 00:38:11,989
♪ YOU ARE NOTHING ♪
♪ WE ARE NOTHING ♪

568
00:38:11,989 --> 00:38:14,759
♪ WITH THE PILLS ♪
♪ I AM EMPTY TILL SHE FILLS ♪

569
00:38:14,759 --> 00:38:19,430
♪ ALIVE UNTIL SHE KILLS ♪
♪ I'M HER VAMPIRE EMPIRE ♪

570
00:38:19,430 --> 00:38:21,832
♪ I'M THE FISH ♪
♪ AND SHE'S MY GILLS ♪

571
00:38:21,832 --> 00:38:32,543
♪ FALLING, YEAH ♪
♪ FALLING, YEAH ♪

572
00:38:37,181 --> 00:38:53,264
♪ ♪

573
00:38:56,534 --> 00:38:59,737
♪ I WALKED INTO YOUR DAGGER ♪
♪ FOR THE LAST TIME IN A ROW ♪

574
00:38:59,737 --> 00:39:01,739
♪ IT'S LIKE TRYING TO START ♪
♪ A FIRE WITH MATCHES ♪

575
00:39:01,739 --> 00:39:09,046
♪ IN THE SNOW ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T SEEM ♪

576
00:39:09,046 --> 00:39:12,049
♪ TO HOLD ME ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T SEEM TO LET ME GO ♪

577
00:39:12,049 --> 00:39:13,951
♪ SO I CAN'T FIND SURRENDER ♪
♪ CAN'T KEEP CONTROL ♪

578
00:39:13,951 --> 00:39:15,086
♪ YOU TURN ME INSIDE OUT ♪
♪ AND THEN YOU WANT ME ♪

579
00:39:15,086 --> 00:39:16,654
♪ OUTSIDE IN ♪
♪ YOU SPIN ME ALL AROUND ♪

580
00:39:16,654 --> 00:39:18,789
♪ AND THEN YOU ASK ME ♪
♪ NOT TO SPIN ♪

581
00:39:18,789 --> 00:39:22,593
♪ YOU SAY YOU WANT TO BE ALONE ♪
♪ AND THEN YOU WANT CHILDREN ♪

582
00:39:22,593 --> 00:39:26,363
♪ YOU WANNA BE WITH ME, BABY ♪
♪ YOU WANNA BE WITH HIM ♪

583
00:39:26,363 --> 00:39:29,667
♪ YOU GIVE ME CHILLS ♪
♪ I'VE HAD IT WITH THE DRILLS ♪

584
00:39:29,667 --> 00:39:30,835
♪ I AM NOTHING ♪
♪ YOU ARE NOTHING ♪

585
00:39:30,835 --> 00:39:33,404
♪ WE ARE NOTHING ♪
♪ WITH THE PILLS ♪

586
00:39:33,404 --> 00:39:36,674
♪ I AM EMPTY TILL SHE FILLS ♪
♪ ALIVE UNTIL SHE KILLS ♪

587
00:39:36,674 --> 00:39:38,642
♪ IN HER VAMPIRE EMPIRE ♪
♪ I'M THE FISH ♪

588
00:39:38,642 --> 00:39:47,718
♪ AND SHE'S MY GILLS ♪

589
00:39:47,718 --> 00:39:58,963
♪ FALLING, YEAH ♪
♪ FALLING, YEAH ♪

590
00:40:01,999 --> 00:40:11,575
♪ ♪

591
00:40:11,575 --> 00:40:19,884
HI, MEEMAW.

592
00:40:19,884 --> 00:40:21,252
Stephen: THANK YOU.

593
00:40:21,252 --> 00:40:23,287
YOU CAN CATCH THEM
ON TOUR THIS SUMMER.

594
00:40:23,287 --> 00:40:25,790
BIG THIEF, EVERYBODY.
THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW.

595
00:40:25,790 --> 00:40:26,390
GOOD NIGHT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]