1 00:00:03,470 --> 00:00:04,704 ♪ ♪ THE CORNER. 2 00:00:04,704 --> 00:00:06,106 Stephen: WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? 3 00:00:06,106 --> 00:00:09,042 I CAN'T FOLLOW THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP. 4 00:00:09,042 --> 00:00:12,178 OF COURSE YOU CAN. Stephen: HUH? 5 00:00:12,178 --> 00:00:14,147 STEPHEN, YOU'VE GOT TO DO YOUR SHOW. 6 00:00:14,147 --> 00:00:16,049 Stephen: THE CAST OF "TED LASSO!" 7 00:00:16,049 --> 00:00:17,283 WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY DRESSING ROOM? 8 00:00:17,283 --> 00:00:19,352 WE CAME HERE TO WATCH THE GAME ON YOUR TV. 9 00:00:19,352 --> 00:00:21,688 YES, WE'RE ON APPLE TV+. THEY DON'T ALLOW US BROADCAST 10 00:00:21,688 --> 00:00:24,124 CHANNELS. YEAH, THE ONLY CHANNEL WE GET 11 00:00:24,124 --> 00:00:25,925 IS TIM COOK ANNOUNCING THE NEW iPHONE. 12 00:00:25,925 --> 00:00:27,994 NOW IN YELLOW. OOH. 13 00:00:27,994 --> 00:00:31,197 Stephen: OOH. OUR SHOW IS ABOUT SOCCER BUT 14 00:00:31,197 --> 00:00:33,266 WE ARE ALL HUGE BASKETBALL FANS. BASKETBALL IS LIFE. 15 00:00:33,266 --> 00:00:35,068 WAIT, NO, NO. REMEMBER WHAT WE SAID ABOUT 16 00:00:35,068 --> 00:00:37,070 DOING CATCHPHRASES FOR FREE? OH, YES. 17 00:00:37,070 --> 00:00:38,371 Stephen: YOU SEE, THAT'S THE PROBLEM. 18 00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:40,006 EVERYONE IS SO EXCITED ABOUT THE GAME, THEY'RE NOT GOING TO WANT 19 00:00:40,006 --> 00:00:42,709 TO WATCH MY STUPID COMEDY SHOW. COME ON. 20 00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:43,743 OF COURSE WE WANT TO SEE YOUR SHOW. 21 00:00:43,743 --> 00:00:45,044 YEAH. HOW ELSE ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO 22 00:00:45,044 --> 00:00:46,179 FALL ASLEEP AFTER ALL THAT EXCITEMENT? 23 00:00:46,179 --> 00:00:49,249 Stephen: I'M SORRY, WHAT? YOU SEE, RIGHT NOW YOU'RE 24 00:00:49,249 --> 00:00:51,918 CAUGHT IN A DELICATE BALANCE BETWEEN SPORTS, COMEDY, AND 25 00:00:51,918 --> 00:00:54,521 GENUINE HUMAN EMOTION. AND THAT'S AN AREA THAT 26 00:00:54,521 --> 00:00:58,091 SCIENCE EXPERTS, OR SCIENTISTS, REFER TO AS THE TED LASSO ZONE. 27 00:00:58,091 --> 00:01:01,928 Stephen: OH, I SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW, JASON. 28 00:01:01,928 --> 00:01:04,164 YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE ME AN INSPIRATIONAL SPEECH, LIKE ON 29 00:01:04,164 --> 00:01:07,400 YOUR SHOW. STEPHEN, WHY WOULD I DO THAT? 30 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:10,570 WHEN THE INSPIRATIONAL SPEECH THAT YOU NEED HAS BEEN RIGHT IN 31 00:01:10,570 --> 00:01:18,812 HERE ALL ALONG? DID THAT WORK? 32 00:01:18,812 --> 00:01:19,979 Stephen: NO. SHOOT, OKAY. 33 00:01:19,979 --> 00:01:21,080 ALL RIGHT, I GOT NOTHING. YOU GUYS GOT ANYTHING FOR THIS 34 00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:22,148 GUY? NO. 35 00:01:22,148 --> 00:01:25,251 Stephen: I JUST LOOK AT THAT 36 00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:26,986 AND I KNOW I CAN'T COMPETE. WHAT? 37 00:01:26,986 --> 00:01:28,321 WHOA, WHOA, HEY, NO. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT WORD. 38 00:01:28,321 --> 00:01:30,957 Stephen: WHAT WORD, "COMPETE?" 39 00:01:30,957 --> 00:01:32,325 NO. Stephen: "I?" 40 00:01:32,325 --> 00:01:35,128 NO. IT'S THE OTHER ONE, STEPHEN. 41 00:01:35,128 --> 00:01:37,297 THE C WORD. Stephen: [BLEEP] 42 00:01:37,297 --> 00:01:38,164 ALL: WHOA! YO. 43 00:01:38,164 --> 00:01:40,733 STEPHEN. Stephen: OH, I'M SORRY. 44 00:01:40,733 --> 00:01:41,801 "CAN'T?" YEAH. 45 00:01:41,801 --> 00:01:43,002 THAT'S THE ONE. YEAH. 46 00:01:43,002 --> 00:01:44,871 THAT'S THE WORD. YEAH, THAT YOU CAN SAY. 47 00:01:44,871 --> 00:01:46,206 THAT'S FINE. BUT I DON'T LIKE IT. 48 00:01:46,206 --> 00:01:47,640 OKAY? 'CAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT CAN'T IS 49 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:50,977 JUST A CAN FULL OF TEA. WHICH WE ALL KNOW IS JUST HOT 50 00:01:50,977 --> 00:01:51,978 BROWN WATER. CATCHPHRASES FOR FREE. 51 00:01:51,978 --> 00:01:53,513 REMEMBER. YEAH, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. 52 00:01:53,513 --> 00:01:56,449 THANK YOU. Stephen: LOOK, GUYS, I 53 00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:57,884 APPRECIATE WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO. 54 00:01:57,884 --> 00:02:03,923 THE FACT THE MATTER IS, I'M JUST GOING TO SIT OVER THERE, DROWN 55 00:02:03,923 --> 00:02:05,925 MY SORROWS IN ICE CREAM WITH A REDDI-WIP CHASER. 56 00:02:05,925 --> 00:02:12,432 WILL YOU STOP IT, STEPHEN? 57 00:02:12,432 --> 00:02:14,834 THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU. IT'S ABOUT US. 58 00:02:14,834 --> 00:02:16,236 Stephen: THE CAST OF "TED LASSO?" 59 00:02:16,236 --> 00:02:18,037 YES, STEPHEN. WE ARE ALL BEHIND YOU. 60 00:02:18,037 --> 00:02:20,840 WE ARE A TEAM. YEAH, AND THERE IS THE SPORT 61 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:23,276 WE ALL CARE MOST ABOUT IN THE WORLD IS LATE NIGHT 62 00:02:23,276 --> 00:02:29,215 COMEDY/VARIETY. STEPHEN, ON OUR SHOW, WE HAVE 63 00:02:29,215 --> 00:02:32,185 A SIGN IN THE LOCKER ROOM THAT SAYS "BELIEVE." 64 00:02:32,185 --> 00:02:35,154 SO I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU A SIGN RIGHT HERE TO REMIND YOU OF 65 00:02:35,154 --> 00:02:38,224 EVERYTHING THAT YOU, STEPHEN COLBERT, NEED TO GET OUT 66 00:02:38,224 --> 00:02:52,405 THERE AND DO YOUR SHOW TONIGHT. ALL RIGHT, LET'S BRING IT IN. 67 00:02:52,405 --> 00:03:09,155 ♪ ♪ "LATE SHOW" ON THREE. 68 00:03:09,155 --> 00:03:11,925 ONE, TWO, THREE. LATE SHOW ON THREE! 69 00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:19,299 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ ♪ 70 00:03:19,299 --> 00:03:23,169 ♪ YEAH, WE'VE GOT STEPHEN A. SMITH AND DYLAN 71 00:03:23,169 --> 00:03:34,247 McDERMOTT ♪ ♪ YEAH, MUSICAL GUEST DAVIDO ♪ 72 00:03:34,247 --> 00:03:43,156 ♪ YEAH, FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND ♪ 73 00:03:43,156 --> 00:04:04,510 ♪ AND NOW YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT ♪ 74 00:04:04,510 --> 00:04:19,092 Stephen: HAPPY TO HAVE YOU! 75 00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:23,229 HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME ONE AND ALL IN HERE, OUT 76 00:04:23,229 --> 00:04:26,766 THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORD. WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW, I AM 77 00:04:26,766 --> 00:04:35,274 YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT, WE ARE COMING TO YOU TONIGHT HOT 78 00:04:35,274 --> 00:04:40,079 OFF CBS'S BROADCAST OF THE NCAA MEN'S BASKETBALL CHAMPIONSHIP 79 00:04:40,079 --> 00:04:42,915 GAME. WHAT A THRILLER! 80 00:04:42,915 --> 00:04:47,153 NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING: "STEVE, DON'T YOU TAPE THIS SHOW 81 00:04:47,153 --> 00:04:52,325 AT 5:30, SO THERE'S NO WAY YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THE GAME?" 82 00:04:52,325 --> 00:04:56,763 AND TO THAT I SAY, "OH, YEAH?" THEN HOW WOULD I KNOW 83 00:04:56,763 --> 00:04:59,999 - THAT THE CHAMPIONS ARE - - 84 00:04:59,999 --> 00:05:05,104 INSERT WINNING TEAM. Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS TO 85 00:05:05,104 --> 00:05:06,439 THEM. AS FOR THEIR OPPONENTS, THEY 86 00:05:06,439 --> 00:05:09,742 FELL JUST SHORT AFTER A GREAT SEASON, AND THERE'S STILL SO 87 00:05:09,742 --> 00:05:15,982 MUCH TO BE PROUD OF FOR INSERT LOSER. 88 00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:21,387 Stephen: SO THERE YOU HAVE IT, THAT'S IT, FRIENDS! 89 00:05:21,387 --> 00:05:27,427 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] SO THAT'S A WRAP 90 00:05:27,427 --> 00:05:30,430 ON MARCH MADNESS, JUST IN TIME FOR APRIL INSANITY! 91 00:05:30,430 --> 00:05:35,034 BECAUSE JUST A FEW BLOCKS FROM THIS THEATER, THE FORMER 92 00:05:35,034 --> 00:05:40,106 PRESIDENT IS BACK. HE IS HERE. 93 00:05:40,106 --> 00:05:42,942 I KNOW, I KNOW. ALL THINGS TO LAST THURSDAY'S 94 00:05:42,942 --> 00:05:46,979 NEWS THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT HAD BEEN INDICTED BY A MANHATTAN 95 00:05:46,979 --> 00:05:50,049 GRAND JURY ON MORE THAN 30 COUNTS RELATED TO BUSINESS 96 00:05:50,049 --> 00:06:00,426 FRAUD. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 97 00:06:00,426 --> 00:06:02,562 YOU CAN SEE IT ALL ON THE NEW HIT SHOW: 98 00:06:02,562 --> 00:06:08,701 "LAW AND ORDER: HAHAHA!" SO IT'S A SAD, SAD, 99 00:06:08,701 --> 00:06:12,638 HAPPY DAY FOR AMERICA. BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME 100 00:06:12,638 --> 00:06:14,273 IN OUR HISTORY, A PRESIDENT HAS BEEN INDICTED FOR PAYING OFF 101 00:06:14,273 --> 00:06:18,611 A PORN STAR. HOW ARE WE GOING TO EXPLAIN THAT 102 00:06:18,611 --> 00:06:21,647 TO OUR GRANDCHILDREN? HOPEFULLY IN THE BOOK 103 00:06:21,647 --> 00:06:23,583 "DONALD AND THE TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, 104 00:06:23,583 --> 00:06:36,195 VERY BAD NDA." [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 105 00:06:36,195 --> 00:06:37,230 [LAUGHTER] SO WHAT HAPPENS NOW? 106 00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:39,932 WHAT DOES HE PLEAD? WHEN IS THE TRIAL? 107 00:06:39,932 --> 00:06:42,835 WHAT IF HE GOES TO JAIL? HE COULD END UP THE HEAD OF 108 00:06:42,835 --> 00:06:45,304 A VIOLENT WHITE SUPREMACIST GANG... 109 00:06:45,304 --> 00:06:48,775 BUT IN PRISON THIS TIME! [LAUGHTER] 110 00:06:48,775 --> 00:06:58,651 WE DO KNOW A LITTLE ABOUT WHAT TO EXPECT IN THE NEAR TERM. 111 00:06:58,651 --> 00:07:00,787 BECAUSE THE FORMER PRESIDENT WILL BE ARRAIGNED IN 112 00:07:00,787 --> 00:07:04,190 NEW YORK TOMORROW AFTERNOON. THAT MAKES TONIGHT 113 00:07:04,190 --> 00:07:13,900 ARRAIGNMENT EVE! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 114 00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:17,069 "THE COURTHOUSE WAS STIRRING, A BIG, BUSY THRONG 115 00:07:17,069 --> 00:07:24,377 AWAITING THE MAN WITH THE MUSHROOM-SHAPED DONG... 116 00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:31,818 [LAUGHTER] ALLEGEDLY." 117 00:07:31,818 --> 00:07:34,287 THE PART OF THE STORY THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE FORGET, A LOT OF 118 00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:40,593 PEOPLE FORGET TO DESCRIBE IT. TO MAKE HIS ARRAIGNMENT 119 00:07:40,593 --> 00:07:44,664 TODAY, THE EX-PRESIDENT FLEW TO NEW YORK FROM FLORIDA. 120 00:07:44,664 --> 00:07:48,467 A ROUTE KNOWN AS THE "REVERSE-GRANDMA." 121 00:07:48,467 --> 00:07:50,803 AND CABLE NEWS WAS ALL OVER HIS JOURNEY. 122 00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:54,307 THEY FOLLOWED HIS MOTORCADE TO THE AIRPORT. 123 00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:59,111 THEY THEN FOLLOWED HIS PLANE TAXIING, 124 00:07:59,111 --> 00:08:05,885 HIS PLANE TAKING OFF, HIS PLANE LANDING AT LA GUARDIA, 125 00:08:05,885 --> 00:08:07,920 AND HERE HE IS, HIS WHITE BRONCO ON THE 405, 126 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:13,860 WITH HIS BEST FRIENDS AL COWLINGS AND RUDY GIULIANI. 127 00:08:13,860 --> 00:08:17,930 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WHERE DO YOU GET OFF? 128 00:08:17,930 --> 00:08:20,433 GET OFF AT SUNSET, THAT'S WHERE YOU GET OFF ON. 129 00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:22,101 HE'S ACTUALLY A LOT LIKE O.J., EXCEPT WITH THE EX-PRESIDENT, 130 00:08:22,101 --> 00:08:29,976 EVERY GLOVE IS TOO BIG. [LAUGHTER] 131 00:08:29,976 --> 00:08:32,511 ALVIN BRAGG BETTER GET THOSE THUMB CUFFS. 132 00:08:32,511 --> 00:08:37,283 THEN, TOMORROW, THE MOMENT THE WORLD HAS BEEN WAITING FOR. 133 00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:39,819 HE'LL HEAD INTO THE D.A.'S OFFICE, WHERE HE WILL RECEIVE 134 00:08:39,819 --> 00:08:41,087 A BOOKING NUMBER AND BE FINGERPRINTED. 135 00:08:41,087 --> 00:08:44,690 THEY WON'T EVEN HAVE TO USE INK. I'M PRETTY SURE THERE'S ENOUGH 136 00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:50,997 KETCHUP ON THERE ALL THE TIME. ONE QUESTION A LOT OF PEOPLE 137 00:08:50,997 --> 00:08:54,667 ARE ASKING IS WILL THERE BE A MUGSHOT? 138 00:08:54,667 --> 00:08:59,005 I DON'T KNOW ABOUT OF HIM, BUT HERE IS MY MUG, AND I WILL 139 00:08:59,005 --> 00:09:18,658 DEFINITELY BE DOING A FEW SHOTS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 140 00:09:18,658 --> 00:09:20,993 WORD IS, THERE MAY NOT BE A MUGSHOT, BECAUSE OFFICIALS ARE 141 00:09:20,993 --> 00:09:24,997 CONCERNED THE PHOTO WOULD BE IMPROPERLY LEAKED, AND ARGUE 142 00:09:24,997 --> 00:09:29,969 IT'S UNNECESSARY BECAUSE HIS APPEARANCE IS WIDELY KNOWN. 143 00:09:29,969 --> 00:09:32,772 YEAH, YOU DON'T NEED TO TAKE A NEW PHOTO TAKEN OF THIS GUY. 144 00:09:32,772 --> 00:09:34,307 WE ALREADY HAVE TONS OF PICS THAT WOULD MAKE A GREAT MUGSHOT. 145 00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:40,813 LIKE THIS ONE 146 00:09:40,813 --> 00:09:43,049 OR THIS ONE. ACTUALLY, NO. 147 00:09:43,049 --> 00:09:47,787 IT'S GOTTA BE THIS ONE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 148 00:09:47,787 --> 00:09:56,195 JIMMY, CAN WE MAKE THAT INTO A MUGSHOT? 149 00:09:56,195 --> 00:10:00,633 THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO. 150 00:10:00,633 --> 00:10:06,772 THEY DID SAY WIDELY KNOWN. OF COURSE ALL OF THE CRONIES ARE 151 00:10:06,772 --> 00:10:09,442 ON TV HELPING THEIR BUDDY. CASE IN POINT, 152 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:10,676 SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR AND SAD LUNCH MEAT, 153 00:10:10,676 --> 00:10:16,282 LINDSEY GRAHAM. GRAHAM WENT ON FOX NEWS 154 00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:17,850 TO ENCOURAGE THE MAGAS TO SUPPORT THE EX-PREZ. 155 00:10:17,850 --> 00:10:21,921 TO THE CONSERVATIVES OUT THERE, MAKE SURE YOU 156 00:10:21,921 --> 00:10:22,922 VOTE. IF YOU GOT FRIENDS, 157 00:10:22,922 --> 00:10:26,258 MAKE SURE THEY VOTE. IF YOU DON'T HAVE FRIENDS, 158 00:10:26,258 --> 00:10:30,463 GO MAKE SOME FRIENDS. [LAUGHTER] 159 00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:32,098 Stephen: "AND IF YOU CAN'T MAKE FRIENDS, THEN LOOK 160 00:10:32,098 --> 00:10:34,900 INTO A MIRROR AND SAY, 'IT'S THEIR LOSS, LINDSEY', 161 00:10:34,900 --> 00:10:42,742 THEN CLIMB INTO A BUBBLE BATH WITH A PINT OF HAAGEN DAAZS." 162 00:10:42,742 --> 00:10:46,645 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND A SNORKEL. 163 00:10:46,645 --> 00:10:50,816 EVERYONE ON THE RIGHT IS OUTRAGED AND THEY HAVE SOMETHING 164 00:10:50,816 --> 00:10:53,386 TO SAY TO CITIZENS. IT'S NOT ABOUT TERM, 165 00:10:53,386 --> 00:10:54,820 IT IS ABOUT EVERY AMERICAN BECAUSE IF THEY CAN DO IT TO 166 00:10:54,820 --> 00:10:56,122 TRUMP, THEY CAN DO IT TO YOU. WITH THIS INDICTMENT, 167 00:10:56,122 --> 00:10:57,356 I THINK IT'S AN INDICTMENT OF EVERYBODY IN AMERICA. 168 00:10:57,356 --> 00:11:02,028 I MEAN, IF IT CAN HAPPEN TO HIM, IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU AND I. 169 00:11:02,028 --> 00:11:05,831 IF THEY CAN DO THIS TO DONALD TRUMP, THEY CAN DO THIS TO YOU. 170 00:11:05,831 --> 00:11:07,133 IF THIS IS WHAT CAN HAPPEN TO HIM, IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE. 171 00:11:07,133 --> 00:11:09,735 IF THEY CAN DO THAT, THEY CAN GO AFTER YOU AND ME. 172 00:11:09,735 --> 00:11:14,940 IF THIS INDICTMENT STANDS, THEN NO ONE WHO HAS THEIR 173 00:11:14,940 --> 00:11:17,476 FIXER PAY SIX FIGURES IN HUSH MONEY TO THEIR PORN STAR 174 00:11:17,476 --> 00:11:21,013 LOVER, THEN REIMBURSES THAT FIXER OUT OF A BUSINESS 175 00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:24,050 ACCOUNTS, THEN FALSIFIES IT AS LEGAL FEES AND CONSPIRES WITH 176 00:11:24,050 --> 00:11:26,018 THE PUBLISHER OF THE "NATIONAL ENQUIRER" TO CATCH AND KILL 177 00:11:26,018 --> 00:11:27,753 STORIES ABOUT HIS OTHER EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS AS PART OF 178 00:11:27,753 --> 00:11:31,690 ANOTHER ILLEGAL VIOLATION OF CAMPAIGN FINANCE LAWS 179 00:11:31,690 --> 00:11:37,730 WILL BE SAFE. NONE OF US! 180 00:11:37,730 --> 00:11:41,700 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 181 00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:43,702 Stephen: NO, THIS IS SERIOUS. 182 00:11:43,702 --> 00:11:45,738 FOLKS. YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING. 183 00:11:45,738 --> 00:11:47,273 FIRST THEY CAME FOR THE FORMER PRESIDENT. 184 00:11:47,273 --> 00:11:53,312 AND I SAID NOTHING. BECAUSE HE IS SO [BLEEP] GUILTY. 185 00:11:53,312 --> 00:11:54,447 [LAUGHTER] IF YOU THINK HIS CABLE NEWS 186 00:11:54,447 --> 00:12:02,388 TOADIES' ARGUMENT CAN'T GET ANY DUMBER, YOU'VE NEVER MET 187 00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:03,989 ERIC. THEY GO AFTER MY FATHER 188 00:12:03,989 --> 00:12:08,828 FOR WHAT? A NON DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT WHICH 189 00:12:08,828 --> 00:12:13,232 EVERY COMPANY IN THE WORLD, EVERY PERSON IN THE WORLD DOES. 190 00:12:13,232 --> 00:12:15,101 Stephen: WAIT. ERIC THINKS EVERY PERSON 191 00:12:15,101 --> 00:12:19,672 IN THE WORLD HAS AN NDA? JUST CURIOUS. 192 00:12:19,672 --> 00:12:22,374 SHOW OF HANDS. WHO HERE HAS AN NDA? 193 00:12:22,374 --> 00:12:25,311 NOBODY. OF COURSE YOU HAVE TO SAY THAT, 194 00:12:25,311 --> 00:12:30,116 OR YOU'LL VIOLATE YOUR NDA. THEN AGAIN, THIS IS ERIC 195 00:12:30,116 --> 00:12:33,052 WE'RE TALKING ABOUT, SO, TO HIM, IT MIGHT MEAN 196 00:12:33,052 --> 00:12:35,955 SOMETHING DIFFERENT. "I WISH I COULD HAVE A HUG 197 00:12:35,955 --> 00:12:40,059 BUT DAD MADE ME SIGN AN N.D.A. 198 00:12:40,059 --> 00:12:45,464 NO DAD AFFECTION. [LAUGHTER] 199 00:12:45,464 --> 00:12:55,074 HE SAYS EVERYBODY HAS ONE." FOX NEWS LEGAL EXPERT 200 00:12:55,074 --> 00:12:58,577 BRIAN CLAYPOOL TRIED TO DEFEND THE FORMER PRESIDENT BUT DIDN'T. 201 00:12:58,577 --> 00:13:00,279 IF THIS IS SUCH A TOUGH CASE FOR HIM TO MAKE, WHY IS HE 202 00:13:00,279 --> 00:13:04,617 BRINGING IT? I THINK THERE'S NO QUESTION 203 00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:07,386 ABOUT IT THAT HE WANTS TO HUMILIATE PRESIDENT FRAUD-- 204 00:13:07,386 --> 00:13:21,033 OR PRESIDENT TRUMP. [LAUGHTER] 205 00:13:21,033 --> 00:13:23,936 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Stephen: OOPS, I BELIEVE 206 00:13:23,936 --> 00:13:25,404 THAT'S CALLED A "FRAUDIAN" SLIP. 207 00:13:25,404 --> 00:13:28,440 "YEAH, BRAGG JUST WANTS TO HUMILIATE PRESIDENT FRAUD, 208 00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:31,744 I MEAN PRESIDENT PORN SEX, I MEAN THROW HIM JAIL. 209 00:13:31,744 --> 00:13:36,515 I MEAN MY MOM'S BOOBS!" [LAUGHTER] 210 00:13:36,515 --> 00:13:40,052 SO WHETHER ANYBODY LIKES IT OR NOT, THIS IS HAPPENING. 211 00:13:40,052 --> 00:13:44,490 AND IT ALL KICKS OFF WHEN? DONALD TRUMP IS DUE FOR 212 00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:47,560 ARRAIGNMENT TOMORROW. TOMORROW. 213 00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:53,799 TOMORROW. ♪ TOMORROW, TOMORROW ♪ 214 00:13:53,799 --> 00:13:55,601 ♪ HUSH MONEY ♪ ♪ PORN STAR-O ♪ 215 00:13:55,601 --> 00:14:00,472 ♪ SHE SAID HE WAS ♪ ♪ A... ♪ 216 00:14:00,472 --> 00:14:07,613 ♪ BAD... ♪ ♪ LAY! ♪ 217 00:14:07,613 --> 00:14:09,215 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 218 00:14:09,215 --> 00:14:12,451 MY GUESTS ARE SPORTS COMMENTATOR STEPHEN A. SMITH 219 00:14:12,451 --> 00:14:14,753 AND "FBI: MOST WANTED" STAR DYLAN McDERMOTT. 220 00:14:14,753 --> 00:14:18,524 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"! 221 00:14:18,524 --> 00:14:20,593 IT'S "MEANWHILE!" 222 00:14:45,117 --> 00:14:54,159 ♪ ♪ 223 00:14:54,159 --> 00:15:01,867 Stephen: THERE YOU GO! WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY, LADIES 224 00:15:01,867 --> 00:15:05,170 AND GENTLEMEN, BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER, HAVE A SEAT. 225 00:15:05,170 --> 00:15:08,841 BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER-- THANKS TO THE CAST OF 226 00:15:08,841 --> 00:15:14,246 "TED LASSO" FOR BEING HERE TONIGHT! 227 00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:16,982 THEY'RE ALWAYS HERE, BUT THANK YOU FOR BEING ON CAMERA TONIGHT. 228 00:15:16,982 --> 00:15:21,720 THANKS, YOU GUYS. FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME 229 00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:23,489 SOURCING THE FINEST HIGHLAND NEWS BARLEY, FERMENTING IT 230 00:15:23,489 --> 00:15:27,726 IN THE WATERS OF TARLOGIE SPRINGS AND HAVING IT 231 00:15:27,726 --> 00:15:30,296 DISTILLED BY THE LEGENDARY "MEN OF TAIN" AND FINISHED 232 00:15:30,296 --> 00:15:33,565 IN OAK CASKS TO CREATE THE DELICATELY COMPLEX 233 00:15:33,565 --> 00:15:35,367 GLENMORANGIE GRAND VINTAGE SINGLE MALT THAT IS 234 00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:37,936 MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES I SNAP AWAKE 235 00:15:37,936 --> 00:15:41,240 IN A POND BEHIND AN ABANDONED MIDDLE SCHOOL CAFETERIA, 236 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:43,509 CRUSH UP SOME OLD BANANA PEELS AND SWEDISH FISH IN 237 00:15:43,509 --> 00:15:46,745 A BROKEN "DORA THE EXPLORER" LUNCH PAIL WHICH I STEW 238 00:15:46,745 --> 00:15:47,913 IN STORM DRAIN RUNOFF, THEN POUR INTO A DISCARDED 239 00:15:47,913 --> 00:15:50,316 NIKE AIR MAX TO OFFER YOU THE SWAMP HOOCH OF NEWS 240 00:15:50,316 --> 00:15:56,021 THAT IS MY SEGMENT ♪ ♪ 241 00:15:56,021 --> 00:16:07,333 "MEANWHILE." WEEO DOGGIE. 242 00:16:07,333 --> 00:16:11,303 MEANWHILE, NEWS FROM FLORIDA'S POORLY WRITTEN FAN-FICTION, 243 00:16:11,303 --> 00:16:16,775 ARIZONA, WHERE "A LOCAL DAIRY QUEEN IS ON THE HUNT FOR THEIR 244 00:16:16,775 --> 00:16:19,712 MISSING RED SPOON STATUE." THE SPOON IS 15 FEET TALL AND 245 00:16:19,712 --> 00:16:22,348 SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS CAUGHT TWO PEOPLE SEEN GRABBING IT 246 00:16:22,348 --> 00:16:27,219 AND TAKING OFF ON A "SMALL MOTORBIKE." 247 00:16:27,219 --> 00:16:30,723 WAIT A SECOND, WAS THE MOTORBIKE SMALL? 248 00:16:30,723 --> 00:16:35,761 OR DID IT JUST SEEM THAT WAY 'CAUSE OF THE GIANT SPOON? 249 00:16:35,761 --> 00:16:37,296 [LAUGHTER] MEANWHILE, OVER THE WEEKEND, 250 00:16:37,296 --> 00:16:38,997 "HUNDREDS OF CASES OF BEER SPILLED IN A MONTANA 251 00:16:38,997 --> 00:16:42,134 TRAIN DERAILMENT." WELL, I GUESS WE WERE DUE. 252 00:16:42,134 --> 00:16:44,370 THE RULE IS, EVERY TEN TRAIN DERAILMENTS, WE GET 253 00:16:44,370 --> 00:16:49,641 A FUN ONE. THE TRAIN SPILLED HUNDREDS OF 254 00:16:49,641 --> 00:16:52,778 CASES OF BEER INTO THIS LOCAL RIVER, INCLUDING A WHOLE 255 00:16:52,778 --> 00:16:55,714 BUNCH OF COORS LIGHT. BUT AUTHORITIES SAY THE WATER 256 00:16:55,714 --> 00:17:00,786 IS FINE. AND SO IS THE RIVER. 257 00:17:00,786 --> 00:17:02,187 [LAUGHTER] MEANWHILE, LEVI'S IS GOING 258 00:17:02,187 --> 00:17:05,324 TO START USING A.I. MODELS. LEVI'S SAYS THEY'RE DOING THIS 259 00:17:05,324 --> 00:17:09,228 TO "INCREASE THE NUMBER AND DIVERSITY OF MODELS 260 00:17:09,228 --> 00:17:12,631 FOR THEIR PRODUCTS," ADDING "WE CAME THIS CLOSE TO ACTUALLY 261 00:17:12,631 --> 00:17:14,967 HIRING AND PAYING DIVERSE MODELS, BUT THEN WE DECIDED 262 00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:18,270 TO HAVE A MACBOOK PRO MAKE SOME. DON'T WORRY, WE GAVE A RAISE 263 00:17:18,270 --> 00:17:22,107 TO THE WHITE GUY WHO THOUGHT OF IT." 264 00:17:22,107 --> 00:17:23,475 [LAUGHTER] MEANWHILE, IN ROMANTIC NEWS, 265 00:17:23,475 --> 00:17:26,545 AT LAST WEEK'S OPENING DODGERS GAME, 266 00:17:26,545 --> 00:17:29,448 A FAN DECIDED TO PROPOSE TO HIS GIRLFRIEND BY RUNNING OUT 267 00:17:29,448 --> 00:17:31,717 ONTO THE FIELD. THERE HE IS, IT'S ALL VERY 268 00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:34,620 ROMANTIC, THE CROWD WAS CHEERING, AND... 269 00:17:34,620 --> 00:17:41,026 OH! [LAUGHTER] 270 00:17:41,026 --> 00:17:44,930 BACHELOR PARTY IN THE I.C.U.! DON'T WORRY, THEY FOUND 271 00:17:44,930 --> 00:17:46,265 THE RING. THEY'RE STILL LOOKING 272 00:17:46,265 --> 00:17:50,636 FOR HIS TEETH. MEANWHILE, IN GOOD SAMARITAN 273 00:17:50,636 --> 00:17:53,806 NEWS, AFTER AN UBER DRIVER PICKED UP HIS CUSTOMER AT 274 00:17:53,806 --> 00:17:56,975 A DIALYSIS CENTER AND HEARD THEIR STORY, THE DRIVER DONATED 275 00:17:56,975 --> 00:17:59,545 HIS KIDNEY TO THE PASSENGER. WOW. 276 00:17:59,545 --> 00:18:03,482 SOMEBODY REALLY WANTED FIVE STARS. 277 00:18:03,482 --> 00:18:08,487 [LAUGHTER] MEANWHILE, IN MICHIGAN, 278 00:18:08,487 --> 00:18:11,790 A BABY WAS BORN IN THE PARKING LOT OF A COSTCO. 279 00:18:11,790 --> 00:18:12,991 JUST ONE? YOU'RE AT COSTCO. 280 00:18:12,991 --> 00:18:15,394 GET TRIPLETS. OTHERWISE IT'S NOT A DEAL. 281 00:18:15,394 --> 00:18:21,033 EVERYONE IS FINE. EVIDENTLY WHAT HAPPENED 282 00:18:21,033 --> 00:18:23,168 WAS THE COUPLE WAS ON THEIR WAY TO THE HOSPITAL WHEN THEY 283 00:18:23,168 --> 00:18:26,171 REALIZED THEY WOULD NOT MAKE IT IN TIME, SO THEY PULLED OVER 284 00:18:26,171 --> 00:18:28,874 IN THE PARKING LOT OF THE COSTCO AND CONTACTED E.M.S. 285 00:18:28,874 --> 00:18:32,311 THAT'S CRAZY. THEY FOUND PARKING AT COSTCO 286 00:18:32,311 --> 00:18:37,816 ON A SATURDAY? [LAUGHTER] 287 00:18:37,816 --> 00:18:39,751 MOM AND BABY ARE DOING WELL AND WERE TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL 288 00:18:39,751 --> 00:18:42,087 TO RECOVER, BUT ONLY AFTER A COSTCO ASSOCIATE CHECKED 289 00:18:42,087 --> 00:18:46,291 THEIR RECEIPT. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH 290 00:18:46,291 --> 00:18:48,627 SPORTS COMMENTATOR STEPHEN A. SMITH. 291 00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:50,863 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ ♪ 292 00:18:57,503 --> 00:19:03,342 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 293 00:19:03,342 --> 00:19:04,476 ♪ ♪ Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, 294 00:19:04,476 --> 00:19:08,113 WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW." MY FIRST GUEST IS ONE OF 295 00:19:08,113 --> 00:19:10,682 THE BIGGEST PERSONALITIES IN SPORTS TELEVISION AND RADIO. 296 00:19:10,682 --> 00:19:13,018 HE'S THE STAR OF ESPN'S "FIRST TAKE" AND THE AUTHOR 297 00:19:13,018 --> 00:19:13,852 OF THE NEW BOOK "STRAIGHT SHOOTER." 298 00:19:13,852 --> 00:19:15,354 PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," 299 00:19:15,354 --> 00:19:26,198 STEPHEN A. SMITH. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 300 00:19:26,198 --> 00:19:30,669 Stephen A.: HOW ARE YOU DOING? 301 00:19:30,669 --> 00:19:39,077 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ ♪ 302 00:19:39,077 --> 00:19:41,046 Stephen: WELCOME. Stephen A.: I HIT THE BIG 303 00:19:41,046 --> 00:19:43,348 TIME. I DONE HIT THE BIG TIME. 304 00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:44,583 HOW ARE YOU DOING, MAN? Stephen: I'M DOING VERY 305 00:19:44,583 --> 00:19:46,218 WELL. Stephen A.: FIRST OF ALL, 306 00:19:46,218 --> 00:19:47,786 BEFORE WE GET STARTED, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY. 307 00:19:47,786 --> 00:19:50,622 I KNOW IT'S YOUR SHOW. FIRST OF ALL, CONGRATULATIONS. 308 00:19:50,622 --> 00:19:52,691 STRONG EIGHT YEARS. I'M A FAN. 309 00:19:52,691 --> 00:19:55,694 Stephen: THANKS VERY MUCH. WE DO BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, 310 00:19:55,694 --> 00:20:00,465 YOU'VE GOT A GREAT NAME. PH. 311 00:20:00,465 --> 00:20:02,100 Stephen: AS GOD INTENDED. Stephen A.: THE V DOES NOT 312 00:20:02,100 --> 00:20:07,172 WORK. Stephen: IT'S LAZY. 313 00:20:07,172 --> 00:20:09,041 YOU DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THE P ON THE H? 314 00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:11,643 Stephen A.: YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE TIME. 315 00:20:11,643 --> 00:20:16,481 THE REAL STEPHENS OF THE WORLD. THEY CALL HIM STEPH CURRY BUT 316 00:20:16,481 --> 00:20:20,619 IT'S A PH. SO IT'S ME, IT'S YOU, AND IT'S 317 00:20:20,619 --> 00:20:23,789 STEPH. 318 00:20:23,789 --> 00:20:28,226 I THINK WE ARE DOING WELL. Stephen: CALL US DOCTOR. 319 00:20:28,226 --> 00:20:35,901 PH AND BIG D ENERGY. Stephen A.: THERE WE GO. 320 00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:37,936 WE ARE GOING TOGO WITH THAT. Stephen: YOU'RE GOOD AT 321 00:20:37,936 --> 00:20:41,406 HYPING YOUR SHOW, CAN YOU HAVE THIS CONVERSATION? 322 00:20:41,406 --> 00:20:43,208 Stephen A.: THE CONVERSATION WITH 323 00:20:43,208 --> 00:20:44,910 STEPHEN A. AND STEPHEN COLBERT, WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO SAY. 324 00:20:44,910 --> 00:20:48,847 HE DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 325 00:20:48,847 --> 00:20:54,820 AND IF YOU THINK IT DOES! CHECK YOURSELF. 326 00:20:54,820 --> 00:20:55,787 AND DON'T MAKE ME TELL YOU TWICE. 327 00:20:55,787 --> 00:20:58,290 IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH? [LAUGHS] 328 00:20:58,290 --> 00:21:05,030 Stephen: THAT'S THE PROMO. THE CHECK IS IN THE MAIL. 329 00:21:05,030 --> 00:21:07,265 FOR THE PEOPLE OUT THERE, FOR THE FEW PEOPLE WHO MAY NOT BE 330 00:21:07,265 --> 00:21:11,036 FAMILIAR, WHAT IS "FIRST TAKE"? Stephen A.: THE NUMBER ONE 331 00:21:11,036 --> 00:21:12,638 SPORTS DEBATE SHOW ON TELEVISION. 332 00:21:12,638 --> 00:21:15,240 11 AND A HALF YEARS AND COUNTING. 333 00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:19,478 EVERY WEEK. EVERY MONTH, EVERY YEAR FOR THE 334 00:21:19,478 --> 00:21:23,382 LAST 11 AND A HALF YEARS. WE HAVE BEEN NUMBER ONE. 335 00:21:23,382 --> 00:21:25,851 I THINK THAT SAYS IT ALL. THAT MEANS PEOPLE ARE WATCHING. 336 00:21:25,851 --> 00:21:30,555 Stephen: WHEN CAN I CATCH IT? 337 00:21:30,555 --> 00:21:31,757 Stephen A.: 10:00 A.M. TO 12 NOON EASTERN STANDARD TIME 338 00:21:31,757 --> 00:21:36,528 EVERY WEEKDAY MORNING ON ESPN. Stephen: ARE THESE PEOPLE 339 00:21:36,528 --> 00:21:37,729 WERE SHIRKING THEIR DUTIES OR UNEMPLOYED PEOPLE? 340 00:21:37,729 --> 00:21:40,699 Stephen A.: IT'S A COMBINATION. 341 00:21:40,699 --> 00:21:44,503 THERE'S PEOPLE THAT'S UNEMPLOYED, PEOPLE THAT ARE 342 00:21:44,503 --> 00:21:46,171 EMPLOYED BUT THEY ARE LAZY, NOT FOCUS. 343 00:21:46,171 --> 00:21:50,008 PEOPLE ARE VERY LAZY. NOT VERY LAZY BUT VERY 344 00:21:50,008 --> 00:21:51,543 COMMITTED, KNOW HOW TO MULTITASK. 345 00:21:51,543 --> 00:21:56,081 THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE RABID SPORTS FANS. 346 00:21:56,081 --> 00:21:57,582 THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO EXTEND BEYOND THE WORLD OF SPORTS AND 347 00:21:57,582 --> 00:22:01,953 THEN THERE ARE ALSO PEOPLE THAT JUST WANT TO SEE ME. 348 00:22:01,953 --> 00:22:03,889 I MEAN, WE WILL GO WITH THAT. THAT'S MY STORY AND I'M STICKING 349 00:22:03,889 --> 00:22:12,531 TO IT. Stephen: THEY CAN STARE AT 350 00:22:12,531 --> 00:22:14,399 THIS PHOTO HERE AND READ THE WORDS INSIDE. 351 00:22:14,399 --> 00:22:15,667 THE NEW BOOK "STRAIGHT SHOOTER." ONE OF THOSE SECOND CHANCES WAS 352 00:22:15,667 --> 00:22:19,037 AT ESPN. YOU WERE LET GO IN 2009. 353 00:22:19,037 --> 00:22:20,439 WHAT HAPPENED? Stephen A.: I WANTED MORE 354 00:22:20,439 --> 00:22:21,673 MONEY. THEY SAID NO. 355 00:22:21,673 --> 00:22:29,114 I THOUGHT I WAS WORTHY OF MORE. THEY SAID GOOD LUCK, TRYING TO 356 00:22:29,114 --> 00:22:33,385 PROVE OTHERWISE. THEY WERE RIGHT, I WAS WRONG. 357 00:22:33,385 --> 00:22:36,188 Stephen: WHEN DID YOU REALIZE YOU MIGHT BE WRONG? 358 00:22:36,188 --> 00:22:37,956 Stephen A.: HOW ABOUT A DAY LATER, IF I AM BEING TOTALLY 359 00:22:37,956 --> 00:22:42,461 HONEST. IT KIND OF HELPED WHEN MY MOTHER 360 00:22:42,461 --> 00:22:46,164 SAID, YOU KIND OF DESERVED IT. YOU ARE ACTING UP AND STUFF LIKE 361 00:22:46,164 --> 00:22:48,266 THAT. PUT A MIRROR ON MY TRAY WHEN SHE 362 00:22:48,266 --> 00:22:51,036 SERVED ME MY BREAKFAST AND SAID YOU KIND OF DESERVE IT. 363 00:22:51,036 --> 00:22:53,338 HUMBLE YOURSELF, LOOK IN THE MIRROR. 364 00:22:53,338 --> 00:22:55,507 THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU NEED TO DO BETTER THAN COME BACK AND TALK 365 00:22:55,507 --> 00:22:58,577 TO ME. AND SO I LOOKED AT THAT. 366 00:22:58,577 --> 00:23:00,112 I THOUGHT ABOUT IT. AND I PLOTTED AND PLANNED AND 367 00:23:00,112 --> 00:23:02,347 RECOGNIZED THAT THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I MADE WAS THAT I DIDN'T 368 00:23:02,347 --> 00:23:07,319 MASTER MY OWN BUSINESS. I THOUGHT I WAS WORTH MORE THAN 369 00:23:07,319 --> 00:23:10,155 I WAS. I DIDN'T KNOW DEFINITIVELY. 370 00:23:10,155 --> 00:23:11,790 SO IN THE YEARS TO FOLLOW, I MADE SURE I KNEW. 371 00:23:11,790 --> 00:23:15,427 AS A RESULT OF KNOWING, I AM HERE. 372 00:23:15,427 --> 00:23:25,036 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Stephen: YOU SAID WHEN YOUR 373 00:23:25,036 --> 00:23:26,004 MOM BROUGHT YOU YOUR BREAKFAST TRAY. 374 00:23:26,004 --> 00:23:26,938 DID YOU LIVE WITH YOUR MOTHER AT THIS POINT? 375 00:23:26,938 --> 00:23:29,808 Stephen A.: NO, NO, LISTEN, COME ON NOW. 376 00:23:29,808 --> 00:23:33,111 Stephen: I'M JUST ASKING. IT'S PART OF THAT STORY. 377 00:23:33,111 --> 00:23:34,713 MY RADAR WENT OUT. Stephen A.: I AM THE 378 00:23:34,713 --> 00:23:41,019 YOUNGEST OF SIX. I HAVE FOUR OLDER SISTERS. 379 00:23:41,019 --> 00:23:42,354 I LIVED ON MY OWN. OBVIOUSLY IT WAS RELATIVELY 380 00:23:42,354 --> 00:23:49,961 SUCCESSFUL UP UNTIL THAT POINT. BUT LIKE ANY MAN, I MEAN, WHEN 381 00:23:49,961 --> 00:23:51,229 YOU'VE GOT A BEAUTIFUL MAMA AND THINGS GO AWRY, YOU GO HOME TO 382 00:23:51,229 --> 00:23:55,333 MAMA. YOU DON'T GO HOME-- 383 00:23:55,333 --> 00:23:56,601 YOU DON'T GO HOME TO YOUR WOMAN BECAUSE SHE IS LOOKING AT YOU, 384 00:23:56,601 --> 00:24:00,806 LIKE WHAT DID YOU DO? YOU DON'T GO TO YOUR BOYS 385 00:24:00,806 --> 00:24:03,909 BECAUSE THEY ARE LIKE, WE DON'T CARE. 386 00:24:03,909 --> 00:24:07,312 YOU DON'T GO TO FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS. 387 00:24:07,312 --> 00:24:09,114 YOU DON'T DO THAT. YOU CERTAINLY DON'T GO HOME 388 00:24:09,114 --> 00:24:10,882 ALONE. SO WHAT YOU DO IS YOU GO TO THAT 389 00:24:10,882 --> 00:24:15,754 SAFETY NET, MAMA. NOW, MY PROBLEM WAS MY MOTHER, 390 00:24:15,754 --> 00:24:19,991 GOD REST HER SOUL, WAS A STRAIGHT SHOOTER. 391 00:24:19,991 --> 00:24:23,829 THAT'S THE TITLE OF THE BOOK DEDICATED TO HER AND SHE WAS A 392 00:24:23,829 --> 00:24:27,499 PERSON THAT JUST LET ME KNOW, THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH. 393 00:24:27,499 --> 00:24:30,035 YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. YOU NEED TO BE BETTER. 394 00:24:30,035 --> 00:24:31,503 DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT WHAT SOMEBODY ELSE DID. 395 00:24:31,503 --> 00:24:33,672 TALK TO ME ABOUT WHAT YOU DID. YOU ARE MY SON. 396 00:24:33,672 --> 00:24:36,007 I KNOW HOW I RAISED YOU. YOU'RE NOT FESSING UP TO WHAT 397 00:24:36,007 --> 00:24:39,845 YOU COULD'VE DONE BETTER. LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT. 398 00:24:39,845 --> 00:24:41,179 I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE. 399 00:24:41,179 --> 00:24:43,114 I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WHEN I WENT THERE. 400 00:24:43,114 --> 00:24:46,918 I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO HAVE MY BAGELS, MY SCRAMBLE EGGS, LIE 401 00:24:46,918 --> 00:24:48,286 HOT TEA WITH MILK AND SUGAR. I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO GET A 402 00:24:48,286 --> 00:24:49,221 HUG AND NOTHING BUT LOVE FROM MAMA. 403 00:24:49,221 --> 00:24:50,755 I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING. 404 00:24:50,755 --> 00:24:51,857 Stephen: YOU GOT TOUGH LOVE. 405 00:24:51,857 --> 00:24:53,892 Stephen A.: IT DIDN'T FEEL LIKE TOUGH LOVE. 406 00:24:53,892 --> 00:24:55,627 IT JUST FELT LIKE SOMETHING ELSE. 407 00:24:55,627 --> 00:24:57,996 Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK BUT DON'T GO 408 00:24:57,996 --> 00:24:59,598 NOWHERE. WE WILL BE BACK WITH 409 00:24:59,598 --> 00:25:01,533 STEPHEN A. SMITH. 410 00:25:06,238 --> 00:25:07,205 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 411 00:25:07,205 --> 00:25:08,306 tephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THAT MAN IS THE 412 00:25:08,306 --> 00:25:13,011 AUTHOR OF THIS BOOK RIGHT HERE, "STRAIGHT SHOOTER." 413 00:25:13,011 --> 00:25:14,746 THE STRAIGHT SHOOTER HIMSELF, STEPHEN A. SMITH. 414 00:25:14,746 --> 00:25:17,249 AS A SPORTS PUNDIT, YOU'RE CONSTANTLY MAKING THE CASE FOR 415 00:25:17,249 --> 00:25:23,755 YOUR ARGUMENT, MAKING A CASE FOR SOMETHING, CALL ON THOSE POWERS 416 00:25:23,755 --> 00:25:28,793 RIGHT NOW. SELL ME ON SPORTS. 417 00:25:28,793 --> 00:25:30,128 I'M NOT AGAINST THEM. BUT I DON'T CATCH THEM IS 418 00:25:30,128 --> 00:25:32,797 OFTEN-- Stephen A.: LET ME HELP YOU 419 00:25:32,797 --> 00:25:34,132 OUT. YOU BELIEVE IN A MERITOCRACY, DO 420 00:25:34,132 --> 00:25:35,700 YOU NOT? Stephen: UH. 421 00:25:35,700 --> 00:25:40,105 Stephen A.: YES, YOU DO. Stephen: A LOADED PHRASE. 422 00:25:40,105 --> 00:25:43,975 Stephen A.: I FEEL YOU ON THAT. 423 00:25:43,975 --> 00:25:50,682 PEOPLE WHO STEP UP TO THE PLATE AND EARN THEIR WAY IN A FAIR AND 424 00:25:50,682 --> 00:25:54,719 EQUITABLE SYSTEM, THAT'S IDEAL FOR ALL OF US. 425 00:25:54,719 --> 00:25:59,124 NOTHING COMES CLOSER TO THAT THAN SPORTS. 426 00:25:59,124 --> 00:26:04,396 YOU ARE A SCRUB, YOU ARE A SCRUB AND I'M ALLERGIC TO SCRUBS. 427 00:26:04,396 --> 00:26:08,099 IF YOU CAN'T PLAY, GOOD LUCK FINDING SOMETHING ELSE TO DO. 428 00:26:08,099 --> 00:26:11,236 YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A KNICKS GAME, YANKEES GAME, YOU DON'T 429 00:26:11,236 --> 00:26:13,038 WANT TO GO TO A GIANTS OR JETS GAME AND YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR 430 00:26:13,038 --> 00:26:17,309 PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT ISSUES AND ALL OF THIS OTHER STUFF AT THE 431 00:26:17,309 --> 00:26:20,078 EXPENSE OF SHOWCASING WHAT YOU BRING TO THE TABLE. 432 00:26:20,078 --> 00:26:24,316 WHEN TIP-OFF TIME ARRIVES IN BASKETBALL: KICKOFF ARRIVES IN 433 00:26:24,316 --> 00:26:28,086 FOOTBALL, WHEN THEY START A BASEBALL GAME, LISTEN, SHOW UP 434 00:26:28,086 --> 00:26:31,723 AND SHOW OUT OR MOVE ASIDE AND LET SOMEBODY ELSE IN. 435 00:26:31,723 --> 00:26:36,394 THAT IS SPORTS. IF YOU CAN'T LOVE SPORTS, WHEN I 436 00:26:36,394 --> 00:26:40,699 JUST BROKE THAT DOWN TO YOU, I'M GOING TO PRAY FOR YOU. 437 00:26:40,699 --> 00:26:42,300 Stephen: PLEASE DO. WHAT'S THE GREATEST SPORT, IN 438 00:26:42,300 --> 00:26:43,168 YOUR OPINION? Stephen A.: TO ME, THE 439 00:26:43,168 --> 00:26:46,171 GREATEST SPORT, I LOVE BASKETBALL. 440 00:26:46,171 --> 00:26:51,209 I MEAN, I JUST DO. I JUST DO. 441 00:26:51,209 --> 00:26:54,012 I THINK THAT THOUGH THE GREATEST ATHLETES IN THE WORLD. 442 00:26:54,012 --> 00:26:57,382 OBVIOUSLY FOOTBALL IS-- AMERICA LOVES IT. 443 00:26:57,382 --> 00:26:59,451 NIGHT AND DAY, HE GETS ALL THAT. BASEBALL, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR 444 00:26:59,451 --> 00:27:02,420 ANYTHING. YOU CAN SIT IN THE OUTFIELD 445 00:27:02,420 --> 00:27:05,890 CHEWING ON PUMPKIN SEEDS, YOU WAIT FOR THE BALL TO COMPLY TO 446 00:27:05,890 --> 00:27:07,158 YOU. IT TAKES A LOT OF SKILL TO HIT A 447 00:27:07,158 --> 00:27:11,963 95-MILE-PER-HOUR FASTBALL AND I GET ALL OF THAT BUT THERE ARE 448 00:27:11,963 --> 00:27:13,965 OTHER ELEMENTS OF THE GAME THAT ARE ENTIRELY TOO SLOW WHICH IS 449 00:27:13,965 --> 00:27:15,367 WHY THEY ARE BRINGING OTHER STUFF INTO THE MIX TRYING TO 450 00:27:15,367 --> 00:27:18,870 SPEED UP THE GAME BUT WHEN I THINK ABOUT BASKETBALL THE WAY 451 00:27:18,870 --> 00:27:23,708 THEY RUN, THE WAY THEY JUMP, THEIR ATHLETICISM, SHOTMAKING 452 00:27:23,708 --> 00:27:27,078 ABILITY, ACROBATIC PLAYS THEY EXECUTE. 453 00:27:27,078 --> 00:27:28,880 Stephen: IT WAS YOUR GAME. Stephen A.: OF COURSE IT 454 00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:31,516 IS. I LOVE BASKETBALL. 455 00:27:31,516 --> 00:27:36,321 I LOVE NOTHING MORE THAN I LOVE BASKETBALL. 456 00:27:36,321 --> 00:27:38,056 Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN PUNCHED IN THE FACE? 457 00:27:38,056 --> 00:27:41,292 Stephen A.: SURE. Stephen: IN A BOXING RING? 458 00:27:41,292 --> 00:27:46,197 Stephen A.: WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, I GOT PUNCHED IN 459 00:27:46,197 --> 00:27:49,701 THE FACE. I WAS 19. 460 00:27:49,701 --> 00:27:52,270 I GOT DROPPED BIG TIME BY THIS DUDE THAT WAS ABOUT 25 POUNDS 461 00:27:52,270 --> 00:27:54,906 HEAVIER THAN ME I MUST ADMIT I CHEATED. 462 00:27:54,906 --> 00:27:57,275 I HIT HIM LOW. I HIT HIM LOW. 463 00:27:57,275 --> 00:27:59,911 I DIDN'T LIKE GETTING PUNCHED IN THE FACE. 464 00:27:59,911 --> 00:28:01,679 MY GIRLFRIEND AT THE TIME WAS THERE. 465 00:28:01,679 --> 00:28:04,115 Stephen: I BOXED ONCE IN MIDDLE SCHOOL. 466 00:28:04,115 --> 00:28:06,684 THERE'S A CERTAIN AGE WHERE THEY GO LET'S SEE IF WE CAN GET THEIR 467 00:28:06,684 --> 00:28:12,457 BLOOD LUST UP AND THEY HAVE YOU WRESTLE AND BOX ON THE SAME DAY. 468 00:28:12,457 --> 00:28:13,658 Stephen A.: HOW DID YOU DO? Stephen: I WAS THE ONLY ONE 469 00:28:13,658 --> 00:28:14,826 WHO RAISED HIS HAND TO SAY I'LL BOX. 470 00:28:14,826 --> 00:28:20,932 BOXING WAS OPTIONAL. I WAS 1 OF 8 BOYS MY FAMILY. 471 00:28:20,932 --> 00:28:23,134 I HAD TO BE ABLE TO BOX I RAISED MY HAND. 472 00:28:23,134 --> 00:28:28,039 ONE OTHER GUY RAISED HIS HAND AND HE WAS A LARGE BOY. 473 00:28:28,039 --> 00:28:30,141 WHO HAD MATURED BEFORE THE REST OF US. 474 00:28:30,141 --> 00:28:35,213 HE WAS SHAVING IN EIGHTH GRADE AND HIS LITERAL NAME WAS ROCKY. 475 00:28:35,213 --> 00:28:38,183 THE COACH PUT ME WITH THE THINGS ON THE GLOVES. 476 00:28:38,183 --> 00:28:40,351 Stephen A.: WHY DIDN'T YOU RUN? 477 00:28:40,351 --> 00:28:42,587 WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TURN AROUND? Stephen: I SAID I WOULD DO 478 00:28:42,587 --> 00:28:44,656 IT. Stephen A.: YOU COULD'VE 479 00:28:44,656 --> 00:28:46,491 COME UP WITH AN EXCUSE. I AM SICK. 480 00:28:46,491 --> 00:28:48,059 I'VE GOT A HEADACHE. MY MOTHER IS CALLING ME. 481 00:28:48,059 --> 00:28:50,061 I'VE GOT TO GO HOME. YOU COULD HAVE COME UP WITH 482 00:28:50,061 --> 00:28:51,129 ANYTHING. WHY DO YOU JUST RUN? 483 00:28:51,129 --> 00:28:53,565 WHY? Stephen: HE WAS NOT GOING 484 00:28:53,565 --> 00:28:54,799 TO HURT ME, HE WAS A FRIEND OF MINE TOO. 485 00:28:54,799 --> 00:28:57,735 Stephen A.: DID YOU THINK ROCKY WAS GOING TO TAKE IT EASY 486 00:28:57,735 --> 00:28:59,003 ON YOU? Stephen: I'VE NEVER SEEN 487 00:28:59,003 --> 00:29:01,473 ROCKY THROW A PUNCH. Stephen A.: A DUDE NAMED 488 00:29:01,473 --> 00:29:04,342 ROCKY IS NOT GOING IT TAKE IT EASY ON YOU. 489 00:29:04,342 --> 00:29:06,878 Stephen: SO I HELD UP MY GLOVES LIKE THIS, AND 490 00:29:06,878 --> 00:29:13,585 PUNCHED THIS GLOVE SO HARD THAT I KNOCKED MYSELF DOWN. 491 00:29:13,585 --> 00:29:14,586 TRUE STORY. COACH GOES, ALL RIGHT, THAT'S 492 00:29:14,586 --> 00:29:20,358 I. 493 00:29:20,358 --> 00:29:23,828 THEN WE MOVED ON. LOOK, WE'VE GOT TO GO HERE. 494 00:29:23,828 --> 00:29:27,198 THIS HAS BEEN SUCH A PLEASURE. IT IS SO NICE TO TALK TO YOU. 495 00:29:27,198 --> 00:29:30,435 "STRAIGHT SHOOTER" IS ON SALE NOW. 496 00:29:30,435 --> 00:29:32,303 STEPHEN A. SMITH GUY EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH 497 00:29:32,303 --> 00:29:35,240 "FBI: MOST WANTED" STAR DYLAN McDERMOTT. 498 00:29:38,843 --> 00:29:45,016 ♪ ♪ 499 00:29:45,016 --> 00:29:47,519 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. 500 00:29:47,519 --> 00:29:51,556 WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW." FOLKS CAN ON MY NEXT GUEST 501 00:29:51,556 --> 00:29:52,757 TONIGHT AS AN ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM "THE PRACTICE," 502 00:29:52,757 --> 00:29:54,225 "AMERICAN HORROR STORY," AND "LAW AND ORDER: 503 00:29:54,225 --> 00:29:58,263 ORGANIZED CRIME." HE NOW STARS IN 504 00:29:58,263 --> 00:29:59,831 "FBI: MOST WANTED." PLEASE WELCOME 505 00:29:59,831 --> 00:30:00,832 TO "THE LATE SHOW," DYLAN MCDERMOTT. 506 00:30:00,832 --> 00:30:06,237 ♪ ♪ ♪ I WANT TO ROCK 'N' ROLL 507 00:30:06,237 --> 00:30:22,253 ALL NIGHT AND PARTY EVERY DAY ♪ Dylan: OH, MAN. 508 00:30:22,253 --> 00:30:25,456 SO GREAT TO BE HERE. Stephen: YOU PLAY DRAMATIC 509 00:30:25,456 --> 00:30:28,126 CHARACTERS IN MOVIES AND TV SHOWS. 510 00:30:28,126 --> 00:30:31,462 I UNDERSTAND, THIS SURPRISED ME BECAUSE I DON'T ASSOCIATE WITH 511 00:30:31,462 --> 00:30:35,266 THIS. YOU START OFF DOING STAND-UP. 512 00:30:35,266 --> 00:30:38,403 I ADMIRE THAT BECAUSE I'VE NEVER DONE STAND UP. 513 00:30:38,403 --> 00:30:40,171 THIS IS LIKE STAND UP BUT I STARTED IN IMPROV. 514 00:30:40,171 --> 00:30:43,675 IT'S LONELY UP THERE DOING IMPROV, I MEAN DOING STAND-UP. 515 00:30:43,675 --> 00:30:50,415 WHY DID YOU STOP? Dylan: I'LL TELL YOU WHY. 516 00:30:50,415 --> 00:30:54,052 I WAS AT "CATCH A RISING STAR," I WENT UP THERE AND I 517 00:30:54,052 --> 00:30:57,956 KILLED IT. THEN I HAD A SHOW AT THE BITTER 518 00:30:57,956 --> 00:31:00,925 END, THAT WENT WELL. AND THEN I THINK I WAS FEELING 519 00:31:00,925 --> 00:31:04,629 MYSELF. I DECIDED TO GO TO THE COMEDY 520 00:31:04,629 --> 00:31:10,235 CELLAR WHERE THEY THREW ME OFF THE STAGE. 521 00:31:10,235 --> 00:31:12,303 Stephen: THEY HOOKED YOU? Dylan: THEY CAME UP AND 522 00:31:12,303 --> 00:31:15,273 THEY PULLED ME OFF THE STAGE FOR NOT BEING FUNNY SO THAT WAS THE 523 00:31:15,273 --> 00:31:18,543 END OF THAT CAREER. Stephen: ONE BAD SHOW? 524 00:31:18,543 --> 00:31:20,845 Dylan: THAT'S ENOUGH, BELIEVE ME. 525 00:31:20,845 --> 00:31:23,548 SOMEBODY PULLS YOU OFF THE STAGE. 526 00:31:23,548 --> 00:31:24,716 Stephen: DO YOU THINK I'VE EVER BEEN PULLED OFF A STAGE 527 00:31:24,716 --> 00:31:27,318 BEFORE? [LAUGHS] 528 00:31:27,318 --> 00:31:31,556 I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS SINCE 1988. 529 00:31:31,556 --> 00:31:34,359 SO, I WILL JUST BE A SUCCESSFUL ACTOR? 530 00:31:34,359 --> 00:31:36,628 Dylan: THAT WAS THE GREATEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE 531 00:31:36,628 --> 00:31:46,404 BECAUSE ONCE YOU FAIL LIKE THAT, YOU'RE FREE. 532 00:31:46,404 --> 00:31:47,605 WHAT WORSE CAN HAPPEN TO YOU THAN SOME GUY COMING AND PULLING 533 00:31:47,605 --> 00:31:48,873 YOU OFF THE STAGE? AFTER THAT I WAS LIKE, OKAY. 534 00:31:48,873 --> 00:31:49,941 WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO TO ME? Stephen: HOW DID YOU END UP 535 00:31:49,941 --> 00:31:52,744 ACTING AT ALL? Dylan: LUCKILY MY DAD 536 00:31:52,744 --> 00:31:58,916 MARRIED THE WOMAN WHO WROTE THE "VAGINA MONOLOGUES." 537 00:31:58,916 --> 00:32:02,587 GOOD FORTUNE. I WAS A TROUBLED KID. 538 00:32:02,587 --> 00:32:05,356 SHE CAME INTO MY LIFE, SHE GAVE ME BOOKS TO READ, POEMS TO READ, 539 00:32:05,356 --> 00:32:08,359 TOOK ME TO PLAYS. SHE WROTE PLAYS FOR ME. 540 00:32:08,359 --> 00:32:12,030 BEFORE SHE WROTE THE "VAGINA MONOLOGUES" SHE WROTE A 541 00:32:12,030 --> 00:32:19,170 PLAY FOR ME WHERE STYROFOAM VAGINAS WOULD DROP FROM THE SKY 542 00:32:19,170 --> 00:32:24,275 AND I WOULD WEAR THEM AS HATS. Stephen: THAT SOUNDS LIKE 543 00:32:24,275 --> 00:32:27,245 THE OPENING OF A BEAUTIFUL SONG. Dylan: RIGHT? 544 00:32:27,245 --> 00:32:33,351 Stephen: [LAUGHS] GERSHWIN I THINK WROTE THAT. 545 00:32:33,351 --> 00:32:38,089 SO NOW YOU ARE IN "FBI: MOST WANTED." 546 00:32:38,089 --> 00:32:42,727 WE LOVE THE FBIs HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW." 547 00:32:42,727 --> 00:32:49,033 THERE IS "MOST WANTED." THERE IS "INTERNATIONAL." 548 00:32:49,033 --> 00:32:54,105 IT COMES WITH A CROISSANT AND AN ESPRESSO. 549 00:32:54,105 --> 00:32:57,141 AND THEN THERE IS JUST THE FBI. THERE'S A BIG CROSSOVER, THREE 550 00:32:57,141 --> 00:33:00,712 HOUR CROSSOVER EPISODES TOMORROW NIGHT. 551 00:33:00,712 --> 00:33:02,814 HOW DOES THAT WORK? HOW DO YOU CROSS IT UP? 552 00:33:02,814 --> 00:33:04,916 Dylan: WE HAVE TO TRAVEL TO ROME. 553 00:33:04,916 --> 00:33:07,352 Stephen: THAT MUST BE HARD. Dylan: SORRY. 554 00:33:07,352 --> 00:33:10,321 Stephen: THAT'S THE INTERNATIONAL PART. 555 00:33:10,321 --> 00:33:16,627 Dylan: THREE SHOWS, THREE HOURS AND I DARE YOU TO TAKE 556 00:33:16,627 --> 00:33:18,563 THREE BREATHS, THAT'S HOW EXCITING IT IS. 557 00:33:18,563 --> 00:33:20,498 Stephen: THAT'S MY UNDERSTANDING. 558 00:33:20,498 --> 00:33:22,100 THAT'S WHAT MY PRODUCER WAS SAYING. 559 00:33:22,100 --> 00:33:27,772 Dylan: YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A LOT OF ACTION, DRAMA. 560 00:33:27,772 --> 00:33:30,742 YOU HAVE A RUSSIAN, HIGH-RANKING RUSSIAN OFFICIAL. 561 00:33:30,742 --> 00:33:33,244 HIS DAUGHTER IS KILLED AND HE BLAMES THE U.S. AND HE'S 562 00:33:33,244 --> 00:33:35,446 PLANNING A TERROR ATTACK ON THE U.S. AND IT'S MY JOB TO STOP 563 00:33:35,446 --> 00:33:39,884 HIM. Stephen: WHAT ARE WE 564 00:33:39,884 --> 00:33:41,853 SEEING? WHAT TWO SHOWS ARE MERGING? 565 00:33:41,853 --> 00:33:43,821 Dylan: THIS IS "FBI" AND "FBI: MOST WANTED." 566 00:33:43,821 --> 00:33:46,591 TOGETHER. FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. 567 00:33:46,591 --> 00:33:58,302 ♪ ♪ GOOD TO MEET YOU. 568 00:33:58,302 --> 00:34:03,174 YOU TOO. I HEARD GOOD THINGS. 569 00:34:03,174 --> 00:34:09,280 SO NIKO SABOLINKA. IT DOESN'T RING A BELL. 570 00:34:09,280 --> 00:34:11,449 LET ME TALK TO MY SOURCES. APPRECIATE THAT. 571 00:34:11,449 --> 00:34:13,251 IF YOU DON'T MIND, MAKE IT QUICK. 572 00:34:13,251 --> 00:34:15,586 THERE'S A MAJOR TERROR EVENT OF THE WORKS. 573 00:34:15,586 --> 00:34:20,158 HE IS LOOKING TO BUY C-4. THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE WHEN HE 574 00:34:20,158 --> 00:34:23,928 GETS HIS HANDS ON THE STUFF, THIS GOES LIVE. 575 00:34:23,928 --> 00:34:26,998 I WILL SEE IF MY FAX MACHINE STILL WORKS. 576 00:34:26,998 --> 00:34:34,205 I'M JUST MESSING WITH YOU. I WILL MAKE SOME CALLS. 577 00:34:34,205 --> 00:34:35,239 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Stephen: FBI GUY DRIVES A 578 00:34:35,239 --> 00:34:39,777 NICE CAR. ALFA ROMEO. 579 00:34:39,777 --> 00:34:44,382 DID YOU START IN NEW YORK? Dylan: I DID. 580 00:34:44,382 --> 00:34:45,616 Stephen: DID YOU EVER DO LAW AND ORDER? 581 00:34:45,616 --> 00:34:47,952 LEGALLY EVERYONE HAS TO APPEAR. EVERYONE-- 582 00:34:47,952 --> 00:34:52,457 IT'S LIKE JURY DUTY. EVEN I WAS IN "LAW & ORDER." 583 00:34:52,457 --> 00:34:55,326 I WAS A KILLER. Dylan: HAVE YOU GOT TO 584 00:34:55,326 --> 00:34:58,930 CLIP? Stephen: JIM? 585 00:34:58,930 --> 00:35:01,933 WERE YOU "LAW & ORDER?" Dylan: I WENT ON 586 00:35:01,933 --> 00:35:07,405 EVENTUALLY. EVENTUALLY I WENT ON. 587 00:35:07,405 --> 00:35:08,773 YOU HAVE TO. Stephen: SURE. 588 00:35:08,773 --> 00:35:10,308 THEY COME AND GRAB YOU BY THE SCRUFF OF THE NECK. 589 00:35:10,308 --> 00:35:14,846 Dylan: HE'S INCREDIBLE. "LAW & ORDER: ORGANIZED CRIME" 590 00:35:14,846 --> 00:35:18,516 WAS SO MUCH FUN AND NOW "FBI: MOST WANTED." 591 00:35:18,516 --> 00:35:22,320 Dylan: I LIKE THIS, EARLIER IN THE SEASON HE WENT UNDERCOVER 592 00:35:22,320 --> 00:35:28,793 AS A PRIEST. FIRST OF ALL, FATHER WHAT A 593 00:35:28,793 --> 00:35:30,328 WASTE, I BELIEVE WE CALL THIS. WERE YOU RAISED CATHOLIC? 594 00:35:30,328 --> 00:35:32,997 Dylan: I SURE WAS. Stephen: WAS THERE A PRIEST 595 00:35:32,997 --> 00:35:37,902 THAT YOU ARE MODELING THIS ON? Dylan: I HAD TO DO NO 596 00:35:37,902 --> 00:35:39,470 RESEARCH. Stephen: YOU KNEW EXACTLY 597 00:35:39,470 --> 00:35:42,607 WHAT THIS GUY WOULD BE LIKE? Dylan: I EVEN SPOKE LIKE 598 00:35:42,607 --> 00:35:45,176 THE PRIEST THAT I GREW UP WITH. Stephen: YEAH. 599 00:35:45,176 --> 00:35:48,346 AFTER MASS, OUT THERE. Dylan: I LOVE GOING 600 00:35:48,346 --> 00:35:49,814 UNDERCOVER. THIS IS MY FAVORITE ROLE OF THE 601 00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:51,415 SEASON. Stephen: IT'S A REALLY GOOD 602 00:35:51,415 --> 00:35:56,053 LOOK IS THE THING. Dylan: IT'S THE BEST. 603 00:35:56,053 --> 00:35:57,288 Stephen: YOU ARE ALWAYS IN A TUX. 604 00:35:57,288 --> 00:35:59,957 IT'S FANTASTIC. Dylan: SO MUCH RESPECT. 605 00:35:59,957 --> 00:36:04,562 Stephen: YOU GET A GOOD SEAT. 606 00:36:04,562 --> 00:36:07,899 YOU HAVE BEEN STEADILY WORKING SINCE 1987 NOW. 607 00:36:07,899 --> 00:36:13,337 ASIDE FROM GETTING YANKED OFF STAGE. 608 00:36:13,337 --> 00:36:14,972 HERE'S THE THING, I SAID THIS TO SOMEBODY THE OTHER NIGHT, YOU 609 00:36:14,972 --> 00:36:17,408 ARE A WORKING ACTOR, YOU FEEL LIKE 610 00:36:17,408 --> 00:36:19,210 YOU'RE ALWAYS WORKING. WHEN I FEEL LIKE I'M NOT 611 00:36:19,210 --> 00:36:21,312 WORKING, I FEEL LIKE I'LL NEVER WORK AGAIN, EVEN AT THIS POINT. 612 00:36:21,312 --> 00:36:25,082 DO YOU HAVE THAT FEELING EVEN AT THIS STAGE OF YOUR CAREER? 613 00:36:25,082 --> 00:36:27,952 Dylan: YEAH, BECAUSE YOU'RE NEVER SURE WHEN YOUR TIME IS UP. 614 00:36:27,952 --> 00:36:30,121 THAT'S THE THING ABOUT SHOW BUSINESS. 615 00:36:30,121 --> 00:36:31,489 THEY NEVER TELL YOU. Stephen: NO. 616 00:36:31,489 --> 00:36:34,191 THERE IS NO METER. Dylan: NO ONE SAYS YOUR 617 00:36:34,191 --> 00:36:35,526 TIME IS UP. THE PHONE STOPPED RINGING AND 618 00:36:35,526 --> 00:36:40,298 YOU STOP WORKING. YOU ARE LIVING ON HOPE THAT 619 00:36:40,298 --> 00:36:42,967 YOU'RE GOING TO GET ANOTHER JOB, ANOTHER COMEBACK. 620 00:36:42,967 --> 00:36:46,003 BUT YOU JUST DON'T KNOW. SO MY THEORY IS, LET'S DO THIS 621 00:36:46,003 --> 00:36:49,574 TOGETHER, YOU AND I. LET'S LEAVE BEFORE THEY DO THAT. 622 00:36:49,574 --> 00:36:53,311 BEFORE THE PHONE STOPS RINGING. Stephen: WHEN? 623 00:36:53,311 --> 00:36:56,781 TONIGHT? HOW SOON? 624 00:36:56,781 --> 00:37:01,819 I'VE GOT A BIG SHOW TOMORROW. BIG SHOW TOMORROW. 625 00:37:01,819 --> 00:37:05,523 HOW MANY MORE YEARS DO WE DO THIS? 626 00:37:05,523 --> 00:37:07,892 YOU CALL ME. IF YOU HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT ME, I 627 00:37:07,892 --> 00:37:09,026 HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT YOU, WE WILL CALL EACH OTHER AND SAY 628 00:37:09,026 --> 00:37:14,031 "GET OUT." FBI'S GLOBAL CROSSOVER EVENT 629 00:37:14,031 --> 00:37:17,368 "IMMINENT THREAT" AIRS TOMORROW NIGHT AT 8:00 P.M. ON CBS. 630 00:37:17,368 --> 00:37:20,237 DYLAN McDERMOTT, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A 631 00:37:20,237 --> 00:37:22,306 PERFORMANCE BY DAVIDO. ♪ ♪ 632 00:37:29,680 --> 00:37:30,548 Stephen: HIS ALBUM, "TIMELESS," 633 00:37:30,548 --> 00:37:31,682 CAME OUT ON FRIDAY. PERFORMING A MEDLEY OF 634 00:37:31,682 --> 00:37:45,663 "FEEL" AND "UNAVAILABLE," DAVIDO. 635 00:37:45,663 --> 00:37:49,967 ♪ I BE ON THE PHONE ♪ ♪ CALLING YOU TONIGHT ♪ 636 00:37:49,967 --> 00:37:54,205 ♪ I WAN' MAKE YOU SHOW ME ♪ ♪ MAKE WE NO DEY FIGHT ♪ 637 00:37:54,205 --> 00:37:56,574 ♪ I NO WAN SLEEP ALONE ♪ ♪ WANNA HOLD YOU TIGHT ♪ 638 00:37:56,574 --> 00:38:02,613 ♪ WATER FULL MY EYES ♪ ♪ BUT I'LL BE ALRIGHT ♪ 639 00:38:02,613 --> 00:38:06,117 ♪ FOREVER ♪ ♪ O MA LATAN AYA ♪ 640 00:38:06,117 --> 00:38:10,054 ♪ O MA GBA, O MA KE'TAN ♪ ♪ IBEBE IDI E, MO MAA SI TAN O ♪ 641 00:38:10,054 --> 00:38:15,459 ♪ SAY DEM GO FEEL IT ♪ ♪ DEM GO RUN IT DOWN ♪ 642 00:38:15,459 --> 00:38:19,463 ♪ DEM GO HOLD IT ♪ ♪ DEM GO ♪ 643 00:38:19,463 --> 00:38:23,668 ♪ SAY DEM GO FEEL IT ♪ ♪ DEM GO RUN IT DOWN ♪ 644 00:38:23,668 --> 00:38:26,971 ♪ DEM GO HOLD IT ♪ ♪ DEM GO ♪ 645 00:38:26,971 --> 00:38:30,274 ♪ I'VE BEEN TALKING TO MYSELF ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE I BE ON THE PHONE ♪ 646 00:38:30,274 --> 00:38:34,445 ♪ CALLING YOU TONIGHT ♪ ♪ I WAN' MAKE YOU SHOW ME? ♪ 647 00:38:34,445 --> 00:38:37,915 ♪ MAKE WE NO DEY FIGHT ♪ ♪ I NO WAN SLEEP ALONE 648 00:38:37,915 --> 00:38:41,052 NO WAN SLEEP ALONE ♪ ♪ WANNA HOLD YOU TIGHT ♪ 649 00:38:41,052 --> 00:38:44,221 ♪ WATER FULL MY EYES ♪ ♪ BUT I'LL BE ALRIGHT ♪ 650 00:38:44,221 --> 00:38:48,459 ♪ FOREVER ♪ ♪ O MA LATAN, AYAH ♪ 651 00:38:48,459 --> 00:38:52,997 ♪ O MAA GBA, O MAA KE'TAN ♪ ♪ IBEBE IDI E, MO MAA SI TAN O ♪ 652 00:38:52,997 --> 00:38:57,902 ♪ SAY DEM GO FEEL IT ♪ ♪ DEM GO RUN IT DOWN ♪ 653 00:38:57,902 --> 00:39:01,739 ♪ DEM GO HOLD IT ♪ ♪ DEM GO ♪ 654 00:39:01,739 --> 00:39:06,544 ♪ SAY DEM GO FEEL IT ♪ ♪ DEM GO RUN IT DOWN ♪ 655 00:39:06,544 --> 00:39:16,387 ♪ DEM GO HOLD IT ♪ ♪ DEM GO ♪ 656 00:39:16,387 --> 00:39:17,855 ♪ DEM NO DEM SEE ME DEM NO DEY SEE ♪ 657 00:39:17,855 --> 00:39:18,989 ♪ I'M UNAVAILABLE UNAVAILABLE ♪ 658 00:39:18,989 --> 00:39:21,092 ♪ DEM NO DEM SEE ME DEM NO DEY SEE ♪ 659 00:39:21,092 --> 00:39:22,159 ♪ I'M UNAVAILABLE UNAVAILABLE ♪ 660 00:39:22,159 --> 00:39:32,903 ♪ DEM NO DEM SEE ME DEM NO DEY SEE ♪ 661 00:39:32,903 --> 00:39:35,740 ♪ AND I SORRY FOR WHO WAN, WHO WAN ♪ 662 00:39:35,740 --> 00:39:38,743 ♪ WHO WAN GBE MY MATTER S'ORI ♪ ♪ I'M ONLY HUMAN, HUMAN ♪ 663 00:39:38,743 --> 00:39:43,047 ♪ SO MAKE NO BODY PARA OH ♪ ♪ SAY I CARRY WOMAN, WOMAN ♪ 664 00:39:43,047 --> 00:39:46,317 ♪ SHEY NA MAN WEY I FOR CARRY? ♪ 665 00:39:46,317 --> 00:39:48,352 ♪ [...] ALL THE RUMOURS ♪ ♪ ABI E GET WHEN I TALK 666 00:39:48,352 --> 00:39:53,624 SEY I BE PASTOR ♪ ♪ HMM, YE, YE ♪ 667 00:39:53,624 --> 00:39:54,692 ♪ DEM NO DEM SEE ME DEM NO DEY SEE ♪ 668 00:39:54,692 --> 00:39:57,094 ♪ I'M UNAVAILABLE UNAVAILABLE ♪ 669 00:39:57,094 --> 00:39:58,929 ♪ DEM NO DEM SEE ME DEM NO DEY SEE ♪ 670 00:39:58,929 --> 00:40:00,998 ♪ I'M UNAVAILABLE UNAVAILABLE ♪ 671 00:40:00,998 --> 00:40:03,200 ♪ DEM NO DEM SEE ME DEM NO DEY SEE ♪ 672 00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:05,469 ♪ I'M UNAVAILABLE UNAVAILABLE ♪ 673 00:40:05,469 --> 00:40:07,171 ♪ DEM NO DEM SEE ME DEM NO DEY SEE ♪ 674 00:40:07,171 --> 00:40:19,483 MAKE SOME NOISE! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 675 00:40:19,483 --> 00:40:21,118 Stephen: DAVIDO, EVERYBODY. THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 676 00:40:21,118 --> 00:40:23,187 GOOD NIGHT! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]