IN A NEW DISNEY DOCUMENTARY, POPE FRANCIS SAYS TINDER IS A
FINE WAY TO MEET PEOPLE AND NORMAL.
TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER LONGTIME BOYFRIEND HAVE BROKEN UP.
MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS, MANKIND'S DEEPEST ASPIRATION IS
TO LOVE AND TO BE LOVED, SO I WOULD LIKE TAYLOR SWIFT TO CHECK
OUT MY TINDER PAGE. I AM AVAILABLE.
I'M INFALLIBLE, AND I AM A CELEBRANT, SO NO PRESH.
IT ALSO SAYS THAT I'M 6'4" BUT I INCLUDED THE POINTY HAT.
IN CONCLUSION, TO PARAPHRASE YOU, IT'S ME.
HI. I'M THE PONTIFF.
IT'S ME. Announcer: IT'S
"THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT... A LEAK OF THEIR OWN.
FIRST, STEPHEN WELCOMES BRIAN COX.
AND KERI RUSSELL. FEATURING LOUIS CATO
AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND. AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE
FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY,
IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! Stephen: HEY!
BOOM. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
EXPLOSIVE ENERGY. RIGHT OUT OF THE STARTING LINE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THAT'S RIGHT.
HAPPY MONDAY. HAPPY MONDAY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
WELCOME, ONE AT ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. I TELL YOU WHAT, I HAD A
WONDERFUL HOLIDAY WEEKEND. DEPENDING UPON YUR BELIEFS,
I HOPE YOU FOUND EITHER THE AFIKOMEN, THE EASTER EGG,
OR TOP SECRET UKRAINIAN WAR PLANS.
THIS MORNING, THE WHITE HOUSE HELD ITS ANNUAL EASTER EGG ROLL.
IT'S A TRADITION GOING BACK OVER A CENTURY,
TO WHEN CHILDREN WERE INVITED TO SEARCH FOR TREATS IN
CHESTER A. ARTHUR'S MUTTONCHOPS. PRESIDENT BIDEN KICKED OFF THE
FESTIVITIES WITH BELOVED HOLIDAY CHARACTER AL ROKER.
AND WITH AL, BIDEN DROPPED SOME HINTS ABOUT 2024.
I WAS JUST WONDERING, MR. PRESIDENT, WILL YOU BE
TAKING PART IN THE EASTER EGG ROLLS, PLANNING ON AFTER 2024?
I PLAN ON AT LEAST THREE OR FOUR MORE EASTER EGG ROLLS.
AT LEAST THREE OR FOUR MORE? MAYBE FIVE.
MAYBE FIVE? MAYBE SIX,
WHAT THE HELL? I DON'T KNOW.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU WOULD BE TAKING PART IN OUR
UPCOMING ELECTION IN 2024? I'LL EITHER BE ROLLING AN EGG
OR BE THE GUY WHO'S PUSHING 'EM OUT.
Stephen: "THAT'S RIGHT, JACK! I GOT BIG EASTER NEWS:
JOE BIDEN CAN LAY EGGS. EASY AS PIE.
I PUSH 'EM RIGHT OUT THE CLOACA.
SERVE 'EM UP SCRAMBLED, OR SIT ON 'EM FOR A WHILE,
RAISE A BEAUTIFUL FLOCK OF LITTLE BABY JOES.
PEEP, PEEP, PEEP. POINT IS, I AM MENTALLY FIT
TO ONCE AGAIN RUN FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
WHAT'S GOIN' ON? WHERE'S JILL?
MARCO! JILL-O!"
BUT IT'S NOT ALL... [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BUT IT'S NOT ALL LAWN GAMES AND HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP
FOR THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH. ON THURSDAY, WE LEARNED
LEAKED TOP-SECRET PENTAGON DOCUMENTS ON THE UKRAINE WAR
HAD SUDDENLY APPEARED ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
SHOCKING, BUT NOT THE FIRST TIME CLASSIFIED BATTLE INTEL
WAS LEAKED ON SOCIAL MEDIA. WHO CAN FORGET THE 2003
MYSPACE POST. "ERMAHGERD SADDERM HURSEHRN
DEHRSN'T REHRLY HERVE W-M-DEHRS."
WE STILL DON'T KNOW THE ORIGIN OF THE LEAK, BUT A BIG CLUE IS
THAT IN ADDITION TO BEING POSTED ON TWITTER, IT SHOWED UP
ON TELEGRAM, A PLATFORM WITH MORE THAN HALF A BILLION
USERS THAT IS WIDELY AVAILABLE IN RUSSIA.
OF COURSE RUSSIA'S BIGGEST SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM
IS POTATO. BUT TELEGRAM WASN'T THE FIRST
PLACE THE DOCUMENTS POPPED UP. THEY ACTUALLY FIRST APPEARED
IN MARCH ON THE VIDEO GAME CHAT PLATFORM DISCORD.
AS ONE INVESTIGATOR PUT IT, "THIS STUFF WAS SITTING
IN A MINECRAFT DISCORD SERVER FOR A MONTH AND NO ONE NOTICED.
SO NATIONAL SECRETS WERE ON A VIDEO GAME CHAT?
TURNS OUT THE NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES ARE "UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN,
LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, B, A, START."
THE FEDS ARE DESPERATELY TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO THE LEAKER IS.
ONE CLUE HERE: THE LEAKED PAGES AREN'T ELECTRONIC FILES,
BUT RATHER PHOTOS OF CRUMPLED DOCUMENTS,
AS IF THEY HAD BEEN HASTILY FOLDED UP AND SHOVED INTO
FROM A SECURE LOCATION. THAT'S IT?
THE TECHNOLOGY WAS "PUT IN POCKET?"
THE MOVIES MAKE STEALING NATIONAL SECRETS LOOK SO MUCH
HARDER. GET READY FOR THE NEW TOM
CRUISE THRILLER: MISSION IMPOSSI--
"WAIT, I JUST SHOVED IT IN MY PANTS."
[APPLAUSE] I JUST REALIZED I DID THE LAST
THREE JOKES WITHOUT MY GLASSES ON.
NO WONDER WHY THIS JOB IS SO HARD.
SO, A BIG TIME YIKES FOR THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH.
BUT IF IT MAKES THEM FEEL BETTER, THE JUDICIARY
IS A DISASTER RIGHT NOW. CASE IN POINT, SUPREME COURT
JUSTICE CLARENCE THOMAS. [BOOING]
Stephen: SEEING HEREAFTER THE PHOTOGRAPHER SAID "LET'S DO
A FUN ONE." AND NEW REPORTING REVEALS
THAT OVER MANY DECADES, CLARENCE THOMAS HAS SECRETLY
ACCEPTED LUXURY TRIPS FROM A MAJOR G.O.P. DONOR.
WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE CLARENCE THOMAS DID SOMETHING
INAPPROPRIATE," SAID A WOOLY MAMMOTH REANIMATED AFTER
BEING FROZEN IN THE SIBERIAN PERMAFROST.
THE G.O.P. DONOR FUNDING ALL THESE TRIPS IS TEXAS REAL ESTATE
BILLIONAIRE HARLAN CROW, SEEN HERE QUIETLY AND FIRMLY
REMINDING HIMSELF IT WAS DEFINITELY A DEER HE HIT
LAST NIGHT. CROW'S RELATIONSHIP WITH JUSTICE
THOMAS WAS MORE THAN JUST A FEW VOYAGES ON THE SS "MONEYBAGS."
THESE LUXURY TRIPS HAPPENED VIRTUALLY EVERY YEAR FOR MORE
THAN TWO DECADES, INCLUDING TRIPS AROUND THE WORLD ON CROW'S
SUPERYACHT, FLYING ON CROW'S G-5 JET, AND VISITS TO CROW'S
VARIOUS ESTATES, INCLUDING ONE IN THE ADIRONDACKS, WHICH HAS
A THREE-BOAT GARAGE. WELL, YEAH.
A BUSY FAMILY'S GOTTA HAVE THREE BOATS.
WHAT IF THE KIDS SLEEP LATE AND MISS THE SCHOOL YACHT?
THOMAS CLEARLY. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
IT'S ALL ABOUT EDUCATION. THESE PEOPLE LOVE EDUCATION.
JUSTICE THOMAS CLEARLY SPENDS A LOT OF TIME WITH CROW.
BECAUSE THAT SAME RESORT FEATURES THIS ACTUAL PAINTING&
SHOWING THE TWO SMOKING CIGARS WITH CONSERVATIVE OPERATIVES
UNDER A STATUE OF A NATIVE AMERICAN MAN
PRAYING FOR A FLASH FLOOD. IN RESPONSE, JUSTICE THOMAS HAS
EXPLAINED THIS WAS ALL JUST A MISUNDERSTANDING, SAYING
HE WAS ADVISED BY COLLEAGUES THAT "THIS SORT OF PERSONAL
HOSPITALITY FROM CLOSE PERSONAL FRIENDS WHO DID NOT HAVE
BUSINESS BEFORE THE COURT WAS NOT REPORTABLE."
ADDING, "NOW I GOTTA GET BACK ON DECK BEFORE WE LOSE
LOSE THAT GOLDEN HOUR SUN. #YachtLife.
#SomeLikeItYacht." AND THOMAS INSISTS THAT THESE
GIFTS FROM CROW DON'T COUNT BECAUSE OF THEIR PERSONAL
RELATIONSHIP, SAYING: "WE HAVE BEEN FRIENDS FOR OVER
25 YEARS." OKAY, BUT YOU'VE BEEN ON THE
SUPREME COURT FOR 31 YEARS! "OH, IT'S NOT A BRIBE.
HE'S MY FRIEND." "OH, HOW DID YOU GUYS MEET?"
"OH, HE WAS BRIBING ME." [APPLAUSE]
SO, OKAY. I'LL BITE.
HE'S YOUR CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND THAT YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT,
SO I GUESS IT WOULD BE REALLY EMBARRASSING TO LEARN THAT
HARLAN CROW HAS A COLLECTION OF ADOLF HITLER ARTIFACTS AND
NAZI MEMORABILIA, INCLUDING TWO PAINTINGS BY HITLER.
LADIES, TAKE NOTE. THAT S A RED FLAG.
THAT IS A RED FLAG. YOU NEVER WANNA HAVE TO TELL
YOUR GAL PALS, "SO I FINALLY SPENT THE NIGHT AT TODD'S.
IT WAS GOOD, BUT HE'S GOT THIS REALLY INTENSE GAMING SETUP.
AND TWO PAINTINGS BY HITLER. SHOULD I TEXT HIM BACK, OR?"
WHAT DO I DO? CROW ALSO HAS A DISPLAY OF
SWASTIKA-EMBOSSED LINENS. YEAH, YEAH, IT ALL COMES WITH
THE MONSTERS OF HISTORY FINE DINING SET.
YOU GET THE NAZI NAPKINS, THE POL POTS AND PANS,
AND THE OSAMA BIN LADLE. ACT NOW.
FOR ALL THAT, IT'S NOT JUST THE JUDCIAL BRANCH, THE LEGISLATIVE
HAS ITS SHARE OF PROBLEMS, ESPECIALLY IN STATE LEGISLATURES
LIKE TENNESSEE. 'CAUSE AFTER A WEEK OF LARGE
STUDENT-LED PROTESTS IN FAVOR OF GUN CONTROL, THE
REPUBLICAN-CONTROLLED TENNESSEE HOUSE VOTED TO EXPEL 2 OF THE 3
DEMOCRATS WHO PARTICIPATED IN THE PROTEST.
ALL RIGHT, AUDIENCE.
LET'S PLAY A LITTLE GAME. I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THE THREE
DEMOCRATS, AND YOU HAVE TO GUESS WHICH TWO THEY KICKED OUT.
JIMMY, LET'S PUT 0.3 SECOND ON THE CLOCK.
GO! [BUZZER]
THAT'S RIGHT! IT'S THE TWO BLACK GUYS.
BUT THE G.O.P. SAYS THERE'S NOTHING RACIST ABOUT THIS,
EXPLAINING THE TWO EXPELLED LAWMAKERS, REPRESENTATIVES
JUSTIN JONES AND JUSTIN J. PEARSON,
BROKE THE CHAMBER'S RULES WHEN THEY LED GUN REFORM CHANTS FROM
THE HOUSE PODIUM WITH A MEGAPHONE.
WHILE REPRESENTATIVE GLORIA JOHNSON WASN'T EXPELLED SINCE
SHE DIDN'T SPEAK INTO THE MEGAPHONE.
I THINK WE ALL KNOW THAT EXCUSE IS PURE BULL...HORN.
NOW, BEFORE HIS EXPULSION, REPRESENTATIVE JONES
CALLED OUT THE G.O.P. HYPOCRISY. FOR YEARS, ONE OF YOUR
COLLEAGUES, WHO WAS AN ADMITTED CHILD MOLESTER SAT IN
THIS CHAMBER. NO EXPULSION.
WE HAD A FORMER SPEAKER SIT IN THIS CHAMBER WHO IS NOW UNDER
FEDERAL INVESTIGATION, NO EXPULSION.
WE HAD ANOTHER MEMBER PEE IN ANOTHER MEMBER'S CHAIR
IN THIS CHAMBER. NO EXPULSION.
Stephen: THAT'S HORRIBLE AND UNFAIR.
AND ALSO HOW CAN YOU EXPEL HIM BEFORE HE TELLS US MORE ABOUT
THIS PEE THING? WHAT'S GOING ON THERE?
I DID NOT KNOW THAT. SO THIS IS TERRIBLE P.R.
FOR THE TENNESSEE G.O.P., BUT AT LEAST IT'S ALSO POINTLESS
BECAUSE JUSTIN J. PEARSON COULD BE REAPPOINTED ON
WEDNESDAY. JUSTIN JONES, WE JUST LEARNED,
HAS ALREADY BEEN REAPPOINTED TO THE SAME DAMN SEAT.
FIRST DAY BACK. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE BRIAN COX
AND KERI RUSSELL. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE"! JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
♪ ♪ Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR THE
BAND, EVERYBODY.
I LIKE IT. TWO LOVELY GUESTS RETURNING TO
"THE LATE SHOW" TONIGHT. FROM "SUCCESSION," BRIAN COX IS
GOING TO BE HERE. OF THE LOVELY, THE TALENTED KERI
RUSSELL FROM THE NEW SHOW "THE DIPLOMAT."
GOING TO BE OUT HERE IN JUST A LITTLE WHILE.
THAT'S FUN. FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW,
YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE IN THE NEWS
FACTORY, SHAPING THE DAY'S MOST TOPICAL BRUSHED ALUMINUM
INTO A RESONANT STORY SHELL THAT IS WELDED, NOT CRIMPED,
THEN ADORNED WITH FINE SNARES TO BE PLAYED "EM SIMA" WITH MY
BATUCADA AND PRODUCED FOR YOU THE PERFECTLY TUNED KAISHA
TAMBOR JEE SAMBATHAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES I WAKE UP UNDER A HORSE IN A TRAVELING CIRCUS,
SNATCH SOME RUSTY SOUP POTS FROM THE FREAKS AND STRETCH
A SCRAP OF DISCARDED TENT OVER THEM TO WAIL AWAY ON
THE UNWANTED VISITOR'S DOOM BONGOS OF NEWS THAT ARE MY
SEGMENT, "MEANWHILE."
I DO MY BEST. "EM SIMA."
MEANWHILE, IN GIANT BAKED BEAN NEWS, TWO MEN FROM LONDON HAVE
CREATED A GIANT BAKED BEAN. OH, NO.
NOW BRITISH FOOD MIGHT GET A REPUTATION FOR BEING
UNAPPEALING. THE PAIR WENT VIRAL FOR THEIR
BREAKFAST ABOMINATION WHICH IS MADE OF TWO TINS OF HEINZ
BAKED BEANS MASHED INTO ONE GIANT TOMATO SAUCE-SOAKED
BAKED BEAN. THEIR SECRET INGREDIENT?
JUST ENOUGH WEED TO MAKE THIS SEEM LIKE A GOOD IDEA.
MEANWHILE, STAYING IN JOLLY OL' THE UNITED KINGDOM,
KATE MIDDLETON HAS SHOCKED FANS WITH A RED EASTER MANICURE,
BREAKING ROYAL TRADITION. THAT HEADLINE AGAIN:
THE BRITISH ROYAL FAMILY HAS STUPID TRADITIONS.
MEANWHILE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
DUMMY. YOU BIG DUMMY.
MEANWHILE, SPEAKING OF EASTER, ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY BY
CONSUMER REPORTS, PEEPS MARSHMALLOW CANDIES CONTAIN
A KNOWN CARCINOGEN. BUT TO PROTECT CONSUMERS,
THEY TASTE HORRIBLE. MEANWHILE, IN ALASKA,
HEALTH CARE WORKERS WERE SHOCKED WHEN A MOOSE
WANDERED INTO AN ANCHORAGE HOSPITAL.
REALLY? SHOCKED?
I'LL BE SHOCKED IF HE WANDERED OUT WITHOUT FILLING OUT
TEN PAGES OF INSURANCE. [APPLAUSE]
MEANWHILE, OVER ON THE SPORT COURT, A NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT
CLIMATE CHANGE IS LEADING TO MORE MAJOR LEAGUE HOME RUNS,
ATTRIBUTING AT LEAST 500 ADDITIONAL HOMERS FROM 2010
TO 2019 TO EARTH'S HUMAN-MADE WARMING.
AND I'M BEING TOLD THE NEW YORK YANKEES HAVE OFFERED
CARBON DIOXIDE A $400 MILLION CONTRACT.
[LAUGHTER] STOP IT.
BECAUSE WARM AIR IS LESS DENSE, IT'S SIMPLE PHYSICS THAT IN HOT
AIR, BASEBALLS CARRY FARTHER. SO THE STUDY PROJECTS THAT IF
CURRENT CLIMATE TRENDS CONTINUE, THERE WILL BE 467 MORE HOME RUNS
PER SEASON BY THE YEAR 2100. THAT STAT COULD BE TEMPERED BY
THE FACT THAT, BY 2100, MOST SPRING TRAINING WILL BE EITHER
UNDERWATER OR ON FIRE. MEANWHILE.
[APPLAUSE] MEANWHILE, IN HONOR OF EASTER,
SUBWAY ANNOUNCED A LIMITED-TIME COLLABORATION CALLED
THE CADBURY CREME EGG EASTER SANDWICH.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK. YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK I'D RATHER HAVE THE CANCER PEEP.
MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO A NEW SURVEY, GEN Z'S FAVORITE SNACK
IS NOT WHAT YOU'D EXPECT. SO IT'S NOT A QUESADILLA STUFFED
WITH TIDE PODS AND WHATEVER THE KIDS ARE DOING
ON "EUPHORIA"? TURNS OUT, IT'S CHEEZ-ITS
AND GOLDFISH, A SNACK CATEGORY KNOWN AS
"DRY SALTY ORANGE." WHILE WE MIGHT ASSOCIATE
TEENAGERS WITH BOLD AND FLASHY FRIED SNACKS, THE TAMER TASTE OF
GOLDFISH AND CHEEZ-ITS MIGHT BE PART OF THEIR APPEAL.
PLUS, CHEEZ-ITS PROVIDE 100% OF YOUR DAILY RECOMMENDED
ALLOWANCE OF "IT." MEANWHILE.
"IT." MEANWHILE, IF YOU BOUGHT
A TREADMILL DESK DURING THE PANDEMIC, ARE YOU OKAY?
'CAUSE THAT'S WEIRD. ALSO, TOSS OUT THAT DINOSAUR,
GRANDPA, BECAUSE THE HOT NEW TREND IN WORKPLACE EXERCISE IS
THE WALKING ROOM, A GIANT TREADMILL THAT CAN FIT
8 TO 10 PEOPLE. YES, IT'S ALL THE ANXIETY
OF A STAFF MEETING COMBINED WITH ALL THE CHAFING OF A LONG HIKE.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE WALKING ROOM.
OH, MY GOD, NO. LET'S SEE IT FROM ANOTHER ANGLE.
WHAT'S WITH THE PEOPLE WALKING BEHIND THEM?
"OH, DON'T MIND ME. I HATE TO SEE YOU WORK
BUT I LOVE TO WATCH YOU WORK IT."
YEAH, YEAH. BUT IT WON'T BE TOO CROWDED
BECAUSE THE SYSTEM IS DESCRIBED AS A TEN BY TWELVE FOOT
MOVING CARPET. A MOVING CARPET?
WHY, IT SOUNDS SO MAGICAL! [MELODY FROM
"A WHOLE NEW WORLD"] ♪ I CAN SHOW YOU THESE FILES
TAKE YOU ♪ ♪ SPREADSHEET BY SPREADSHEET
♪ BCC THE WHOLE C-SUITE ON THIS PRESENTATION SLIDE! ♪
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BRIAN COX.
♪ A WHOLE NEW WORLD ♪
♪ ♪ Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME BACK. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MY FIRST GUEST THIS EVENING IS AN ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM
"SUPER TROOPERS," "TROY," AND "SUCCESSION."
I THINK TODAY IS THE DAY I WILL TALK TO SID.
JERRY, FIND OUT WHEN HE HAS DONE IT.
JERRY IS GETTING IT. OKAY.
WE CAN BEGIN TO LET IT SEEP. SORT OF INCOMPETENCE OR
WORST? I THINK THE IDEA WOULD BE
THAT SHE TOOK HER EYE OFF THE BALL.
STRATEGICALLY FOCUSED. A BIT MORE AGGRESSIVE.
Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," BRIAN
COX.
IT'S LOVELY TO HAVE YOU ON. I CAN'T IMAGINE ANYONE I WOULD
RATHER HAVE ON RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I WANT A LITTLE MORE BRIAN COX
AND NITIN BEING DENIED MY BRIAN COX.
Brian: BECAUSE OF LAST NIGHT, SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT
OCCURRED TO ME. THERE WERE NO LAST RITES.
AND I THOUGHT THE ONLY WAY I CAN RECEIVE ANY KIND OF EXTREME
UNCTION IS TO BE WITH STEPHEN COLBERT, WHO IS A GOOD
CATHOLIC BOY. AND HE WOULD GIVE ME.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
I CAN NOW DEPART. Stephen: I'M GOING TO START
THIS INTERVIEW IN A WAY THAT I REALLY DO WITH A SPOILER ALERT
EVERYBODY WAS WATCHING THIS. IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN LAST NIGHT'S
EPISODE OF "SUCCESSION," PAUSE THE SHOW, GO WATCH IT AND COME
BACK SOMETIME THE NEXT THREE DAYS SO THE RATINGS COUNT FOR
THIS EPISODE. WHAT DID YOU FIND OUT?
Brian: I WAS SUMMONED TO HEAD OFFICE AND I WAS GIVEN THE
NEWS THAT HE WOULD BE DEPARTING. THEY DIDN'T SAY WHEN, DID THEY?
THEY DIDN'T. I SAID FINE.
IT'S A JOB. THERE'S ANOTHER JOB.
IT'S ONE OF MANY. I THINK I HAVE DONE OVER 209
MOVIES AND STUFF OVER THE YEARS. SO I FELT--
AND LISTEN, IT'S ONE OF THE GREATEST ROLLS OF ALL TIME.
YOU CAN'T KNOCK IT. IT'S BEEN FANTASTIC.
BUT I JUST KNEW THAT IT HAD TO COME TO A CLOSE AND I JUST
ADMIRE, I ADMIRE JESSE ARMSTRONG SO MUCH BECAUSE IT WAS A BRAVE
DECISION. AT THE PREMIERE PARTY, HE WAS
SAYING "I'M SO SAD. IT WAS SO SAD BRINGING THIS TO
AN END." AND THEN SOMEONE SAID WELL, IF
IT WAS SO SAD, WHY DID YOU END THE [BLEEP]
THING? WRITERS.
Stephen: HAD TO EXPECT IT'S COMING.
THE SHOW IS CALLED "SUCCESSION." THERE HAS TO BE SUCCESSION THAT
A CERTAIN POINT. BESIDES BEING A GREATLY ADMIRED
ACTOR, YOUR BELOVED PERSONALITY FOR YOUR WILLINGNESS TO SPEAK
YOUR MIND. HOW HARD PERSISTS FOR YOU TO
KEEP A SECRET? Brian: I'M HOPELESS AT
KEEPING SECRETS. IT WAS A TRIUMPH, AN ABSOLUTE
TRIUMPH. Stephen: IF YOU DO SAY SO
YOURSELF. Brian: I WAS VERY PROUD OF
MYSELF. I USED TO CHECK MYSELF IN THE
MIRROR AND SAY, WELL DONE. Stephen: I UNDERSTAND,
OBVIOUSLY THERE IS AN EPISODE COMING UP WHERE THERE IS GOING
TO BE A FUNERAL. WHILE WE ARE HERE, I WANT TO
POINT OUT THAT WHEN WE MENTIONED THE CHARACTER DIED, YOU COULD
HEAR THE "OH." NOT EVERYONE HERE HAS SEEN IT.
BUT YOU GOT TO SEE BRIAN COX. SO THERE IS A FUNERAL.
THERE IS A FUNERAL COMING UP AND I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU DID
SOMETHING TO THROW PEOPLE OFF THE SCENT.
Brian: THEY ARE SILLY BURGERS, A LOT OF THE PEOPLE WHO
MAKE THESE PROGRAMS. ANYWAY.
SO WHAT HAPPENED WAS, THEY INVENTED THIS SCENE THAT I WAS
SUPPOSED TO PLAY AT THE CHURCH. THE CHURCH WAS UPTOWN, FANCY,
BEING CATHOLIC CHURCH. WHAT HAPPENED WAS I WAS ON MY
WAY TO FILM THIS SCENE AND I GOT THE CALL SAYING WE ARE BEHIND.
IT IS A SCENE I WILL NEVER-- THAT WILL NEVER BE USED BECAUSE
IT'S YOUR FUNERAL, SO DON'T COME.
I THOUGHT NO, I'VE GOT TO GO. I BETTER GOAL.
AS SOON AS I GOT OUT OF THE CAR THEY STARTED CLICKING AWAY SO
MANY LAYERS ABLE TO PUT ON THE FACT IT WAS MY FUNERAL.
Stephen: HERE IT IS. "THE DAILY MAIL" SPECULATED
SINCE YOU ARE AT THE FUNERAL SCENE THAT YOU COULD BE THE
WEATHER WAS DEAD. YOU PICKED A GOOD SPOT.
Brian: IF I HADN'T DONE THAT, IT WOULD'VE BEEN RIGHT IN
THE [BLEEP] , I TELL YOU.
Stephen: HERE'S THE NICE THING, I LOVE, PEOPLE LOVE THIS
CHARACTER IN THE SHOW HAS BEEN ON FOR SEASONS.
SUCH A CULTURAL IMPACT THAT THE "LOS ANGELES TIMES" WROTE AN
ACTUAL OBITUARY FOR YOUR CHARACTER.
LOGAN ROY, CONSERVATIVE MEDIA MOGUL WHO SHAPED CONTEMPORARY
POLITICS DIES AT 84. THAT'S A FANTASTIC LEGACY.
Brian: I AM WORRIED PEOPLE MIGHT READ IT AND THINK IT'S MY
OBITUARY. Stephen: OKAY.
AS YOU SAID IT'S ALREADY THE FINAL SEASON.
THE FINAL SEASON OF "SUCCESSION."
DO YOU KNOW HOW THIS REASONS? Brian: YEAH.
Stephen: CAN YOU WHISPER IT IN MY EAR?
Brian: NO. Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
Brian: NOBODY KNEW HOW IT WAS GOING TO END.
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE GOING ON.
I SAID YOU KNOW IT'S FINISHING. SHE SAID NO, IT'LL GO ON.
WE WILL DO A FIFTH SEASON. I SAID I DON'T THINK WE WILL.
SHE SAID I THINK WE WILL. ON THE VERY LAST READTHROUGH SHE
STILL DIDN'T KNOW THE SHOW IS GOING TO END.
Stephen: EVEN THOUGH SHE HAD BEEN TOLD.
SHE WAS LIVING IN DENIAL. Brian: SHE WAS LIVING IN
DENIAL. Stephen: ARE AUSTRALIANS
BAD AT GOODBYES? Brian: APPARENTLY.
Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
BUT STICK AROUND. WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE BRIAN
COX, EVERYBODY.
Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. IT IS THE STAR OF "SUCCESSION,"
BRIAN COX. WE HAVE A FROM THE FINAL PREMIER
PARTY. YOUR WIFE POSTED THIS.
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY. Stephen: I LIKE YOU DANCING
TO "CALL ME MAY BE." DO YOU THINK THAT THE ROYS WOULD
BE A NICER FAMILY IF THEY DANCED TOGETHER.
Brian: YEAH. THE FAMILIES WHO DANCE TOGETHER
STAY TOGETHER. Stephen: HAVE YOU WATCHED
THE EPISODE? Brian: NO.
Stephen: YOU HAVEN'T? OH, IT'S FANTASTIC.
IT'S EXTRAORDINARY. YOU ARE NOT IN IT SO IT IS THE
ONE KNOCK AGAINST IT. Brian: I NEVER WATCH ANY OF
IT IF I CAN POSSIBLY AVOID IT. BRIAN, BEHAVE YOURSELF.
THERE ARE MOMENTS THAT I HAVE WATCHED.
THERE ARE SEASONS I WATCH FOR THAT I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER
WATCHED A WHOLE EPISODE. Stephen: REALLY?
Brian: MY VIEW IS IT'S BAD ENOUGH DOING IT WITHOUT HAVING
TO WATCH IT. Stephen: YOU SHOULD CHECK
IT OUT. BRIAN COX IS IN IT AND HE IS
REALLY GOOD. I'LL KNOW IF YOU ARE A FAN.
Brian: I ALWAYS THINK I LOOK LIKE THE ELEPHANT MAN.
BODY DYSMORPHIA. I LOOK AT MYSELF AND I THINK
"UGHHH." THE ON BRIAN COX, I WANT YOU TO
KNOW YOU ARE A VERY ATTRACIVE MAN.
Brian: THAT'S THE NICEST THING ANYONE HAS SAID TO ME ALL
DAY. Stephen: WHAT WILL YOU MISS
ABOUT PLAYING LOGAN ROY? Brian: I WILL MISS THE
CAST, THE WONDERFUL WONDERFUL WONDERFUL CREW.
WE HAVE A CREW. WE HAVE CAMERA OPERATORS.
WE WOULD DO IT TAKE FOR THE CAMERA OPERATOR.
THE OPERATOR, WE USED TO DO THIS FREEBIE FOR THE ACTORS.
WE WOULD DO ONE FOR THE OPERATORS.
THEY WOULD PICK UP EXTRAORDINARY THINGS THAT WE GET USED IN THE
SHOW. IT'S A REAL EGALITARIAN SHOW.
THAT'S BEEN THE GREAT THING ABOUT IT.
[APPLAUSE] THINK YOU >> Stephen: WAS IT
EASIER TO WALK AWAY FROM LOGAN ROY KNOWING THAT YOU GOT THAT
SWEET McDONALD'S VOICE-OVER MONEY?
Brian: THAT MAKES UP FOR EVERYTHING.
Stephen: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE PEOPLE OUT THERE BUT IF YOU
KNOW THE COMMERCIALS I'M TALKING ABOUT, YOU ARE VOICING IT AND
YOU GO BA-BAH-BAH-BAH-BAH. IT REALLY SOUNDS LIKE LOGAN ROY
ENJOYS McDONALD'S. Brian: WELL, LOOK AT
DONALD TRUMP. Stephen: I PREFER NOT TO.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Brian: CLEARLY YOU ARE A
MAN OF TASTE. Y>> Stephen: YOU DID A CARPOOL
KARAOKE WITH ALAN CUMMINS. WE ASK THE TOUGH QUESTIONS HERE.
BRIAN COX, DO YOU OR DO NOT KNOW WHO THE SPICE GIRLS ARE?
CAN YOU NAME ANY SPICE GIRLS? Brian: OLD SPICE.
Stephen: I THINK THAT'S ALL YOU NEED.
Brian: THEY ARE NOT QUITE MY GENERATION.
WANT, WHAT YOU REALLY, REALLY WANT, WHAT YOU WANT, WHAT YOU
REALLY, REALLY WANT" IS SUCH A BOGUS NOTION.
Stephen: WELL, DELIGHTFUL TO HAVE YOU ON.
THE LAST THING I WANT TO ASK IS IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO
GET OFF YOUR CHEST FOR THE LAST TIME AS LOGAN ROY?
Brian: YEAH. I JUST WANT TO GET OFF ONE
THING. NOBODY UNDERSTOOD HIM.
I FEEL VERY SAD ABOUT LOGAN. I THINK HIS FINAL MOMENT TO
EVERYBODY IS A VERY, VERY DEAR IN GOOD AND KIND AND SWEET AND
LOVING [BLEEP] OFF! Stephen: "SUCCESSION" AIRS
SUNDAYS ON HBO. IT'S BRIAN COX, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE STAR OF "THE DIPLOMAT."
KERI RUSSELL. STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW" WITH ME.
WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. YOU KNOW MY NEXT GUEST
FROM "FELICITY," "THE AMERICANS,"
AND THE HORROR COMEDY FILM "COCAINE BEAR."
SHE NOW STARS IN THE NEW NETFLIX SERIES "THE DIPLOMAT."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW,"
KERI RUSSELL. HELLO.
NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. ALWAYS NICE TALKING TO YOU.
I AM FASCINATED BY THIS SHOW. TALK ABOUT THE INNER WORKINGS OF
THE STATE DEPARTMENT AND THE DRAMA THERE BUT FIRST I NEED TO
ASK YOU ABOUT COCAINE BEAR. WHAT IS IT LIKE TO BE PART OF A
GENRE DEFINING MOVIE, THAT GENRE BEING COKED UP MEGAFAUNA.
IT EXPLODED, THIS MOVIE.úNO ONE. EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
COCAINE BEAR. Keri: WHO KNEW?
THE WORLD IS HARD. SOMETIMES THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED.
Stephen: I KNOW ACTORS DON'T LIKE TO TELL STORIES OUT
OF SCHOOL AND WHAT HAPPENS ON THE SET STAYS ON THE SET, BUT
DID THE BEAR BRING ENOUGH FOR EVERYBODY?
YOU STAR IN THE SERIES "THE DIPLOMAT."
CREATED BY THE FORMER WRITER AND PRODUCER FOR THE WEST WING.
HOW MANY WALK AND TALKS ARE THERE?
DID YOU HAVE TO GET IN SHAPE? Keri: YEAH.
POLITICAL JARGON AND CITIES AND STATISTICS, YOU GET TO THE VERY
END IN ONE PERSON MESSES UP ONE WORD.
GO AGAIN. HERE WE GO.
Stephen: YOUR CHARACTER IS APPOINTED TO THE AMBASSADOR TO
THE COURT OF ST. JAMES, TINGLING, OR THE U.K., RATHER.
ANYTHING ABOUT THE STATE DEPARTMENT GOING INTO IT?
I THINK THE STATE DEPARTMENT IS VERY MISUNDERSTOOD.
Keri: IS FASCINATING. THAT IS DEBORA CAHN'S WHOLE
THING, THE PEOPLE WHO, THEY ARE CIVIL SERVANTS FOR THEIR WHOLE
LIFE. ONE OF THE INTERESTING THINGS,
THEY DIDN'T VOTE. DID YOU KNOW THIS?
Stephen: I DID NOT. WHY DON'T THEY VOTE?
Keri: YOU HAVE TO SERVE WHATEVER LEADER IS IN.
Stephen: PUT THE MILITARY VOTES.
Keri: THAT'S INTERESTING. BUT THEY DO NOT.
Stephen: MAYBE THEY ARE JUST LAZY.
Keri: NO. THEY ARE DIFFERENT CLASS.
THEY ARE FOR THE COUNTRY IN ALL SENSES.
THEY GIVE UP THEIR ENTIRE LIVES. THEY ARE INCREDIBLE PEOPLE.
USUALLY SPEAK MULTIPLE LANGUAGES, POSITIONED ALL OVER
THE WORLD. THERE IS AN INCREDIBLE BOOK
CALLED "THE AMBASSADORS. IT IS SPECIFICALLY ABOUT THESE
AMBASSADORS, TWO TYPES OF AMBASSADORS.
USUALLY THERE'S TWO PARTS. PARIS, ROME, LONDON.
I AM STATIONED IN LONDON. THE OTHER ONES ARE STATIONED IN
THE MIDDLE EAST AND THEY SPEAK MULTIPLE LANGUAGES.
MY CHARACTER THAT SHE WROTE ABOUT, THAT DEBORAH WROTE ABOUT
IS ONE OF THOSE AMBASSADORS THAT GETS DROPPED INTO THE LONDON
SCENE. THEY ARE FASCINATING PEOPLE.
Stephen: I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO BE IN A CONVERSATION BETWEEN
WILLIE NELSON AND THE GREAT RICHARD HOLBROOK.
HUGE FIGURE IN AMERICAN DIPLOMACY.
WILLIE SAID, WE'VE GOT OF DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE AND
DEFERMENT OF WAR, WHY CAN'T WE HAVE A DEPARTMENT OF PEACE?
RICHARD HOLBROOK, WHO WAS VERY TALL AND WILLIE NELSON IS VERY
SMALL. WITH THESE GIANT BARE HANDS ON
HIS SHOULDERS AND SAID WILLIE, WE DO.
IT'S CALLED THE STATE DE STATE DEPARTMENT.
THEY ARE THERE SO THE WAR DOESN'T HAPPEN.
Keri: EXACTLY. THEY ARE THE FIRST IN BEFORE ANY
SOLDIERS, ANY BOOTS ON THE GROUND.
THEY ARE THE LAST TO LEAVE. THEY ARE THE ONES WHO ORGANIZE
EVERY LEADER. THEY KNOW WHAT THEY LIKE TO EAT&
THEY KNOW WHO THEY NEED TO HANG OUT WITH.
THEY INTRODUCED PEOPLE. IT'S A REALLY FASCINATING JOB
THEN PEOPLE JUST DON'T KNOW ABOUT.
Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP. WHAT ARE WE ABOUT TO SEE?
Keri: OH. COMPLICATED HUSBAND.
Stephen: IS THERE ANOTHER TYPE OF HUSBAND?
Keri: [LAUGHS] NO, THERE IS NOT.
WE ARE-- THE PRESIDENT IS ABOUT TO LAND
AND WE ARE IN A BIG ARGUMENT. Stephen: JIM.
KATIE, COME ON. LET'S TALK ABOUT IT LATER.
SPEAK I'M NOT DISCUSSING IT EVER AGAIN.
THE PRESIDENT IS GOING TO REACH CAL FIRST AND THEN YOU.
UNLESS HE FORGETS. KATIE.
I CAN'T LEAVE. I'M SO SORRY.
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE.
YOU CAN'T DIVORCE ME. WE DECIDED THAT MONTHS AGO.
KATIE, THE VICE PRESIDENT IS GOING TO RESIGN AND THEY WANT
YOU TO REPLACE HER. YOU CAN'T BE DIVORCED.
CLOSE YOUR MOUTH. TURN YOUR HEAD.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Stephen: THE LAST TIME YOU
WERE HERE, YOU ARE ABOUT TO OPEN ON BROADWAY IN "BURN THIS" WITH
ADAM DRIVER, RIGHT? I DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE TO SEE
IT. HOW DID IT GO?
Keri: OH, GOSH. THEY WERE AMAZING ACTORS IN IT.
IT WAS TOUGH.
IT WAS HARD. Stephen: WHAT WAS HARD?
OBVIOUSLY ACTING AS A JOB ON BROADWAY, THE SCHEDULE IS
INCREDIBLE. Keri: I DON'T KNOW HONESTLY
WHAT DRUG I WAS ON WHEN I SAID YES TO IT.
I AM A NERVOUS PERSON. I DON'T LIKE BEING IN FRONT OF
PEOPLE. Stephen: YOU ARE AN
ACTRESS. DON'T LIKE BEING IN FRONT OF
PEOPLE? Keri: I DON'T.
THIS IS A PROBLEM. Stephen: YOU HIDE IT REALLY
WELL. YOU ACT LIKE YOU DO.
WHAT ISN'T, LITERALLY THE PROXIMITY OF A LIVE AUDIENCE?
Keri: THEY ARE RIGHT THERE AND THERE IS SO MANY OF THEM.
THERE IS SO MANY OF THEM. Stephen: THIS IS A BROADWAY
HOUSE. THAT JUST MEANS, I THINK THAT
JUST MEANS THAT YOU SHOULD DO IT MORE OFTEN.
Keri: OOH, YOU KNOW WHAT? IT WAS A HUGE LEARNING
EXPERIENCE. I THINK I WAS A LITTLE
ILL-PREPARED. DO YOU KNOW WHO MARIAN WRIGHT
EDELMAN IS? SHE'S THIS INCREDIBLE WOMAN,
CHILDRE'S DEFENSE FUND. SHE IS A FEW BOOKS.
ONE IS THE MEASURE OF OUR SUCCESS AND IT'S CALLED--
SHE WROTE THESE LETTERS TO HER SONS ABOUT RULES.
SHE TALKS ABOUT FEELING. I FEEL LIKE THAT EXPERIENCE WAS
SO HUMBLING FOR ME AND EMBARRASSING AT TIMES, TO BE NOT
GREAT, YOU KNOW I MEAN? IT'S IMPORTANT TO FAIL.
IT WAS GOOD FOR ME. Stephen: IT COULD ALSO BE
JUST AS IMPORTANT NOT TO BE SO [BLEEP] HARD ON YOURSELF.
Keri: [LAUGHS] THAT'S TRUE.
Stephen: KERI, LOVELY TO SEE YOU.
"THE DIPLOMAT" PREMIERES APRIL 20TH ON NETFLIX.
KERI RUSSELL, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW. MY GUESTS WILL BE
JENNIFER GARNER AND CONGRESSWOMAN
KATIE PORTER. STICK AROUND FOR JAMES.
ONLY 12 LEFT. GOOD NIGHT!