1 00:00:01,835 --> 00:00:04,504 THIS MORNING, BACKLASH BREWING AGAINST BUD LIGHT OVER 2 00:00:04,504 --> 00:00:08,074 ITS PRODUCT PLACEMENT DEAL WITH TIKTOK STAR DYLAN MULVANEY, 3 00:00:08,074 --> 00:00:12,011 A TRANSGENDER ACTRESS, CONNECTING HER TRANSGENDER 4 00:00:12,011 --> 00:00:15,248 STATUS TO WHAT HAS HISTORICALLY BEEN A MALE-DOMINATED BRAND. 5 00:00:15,248 --> 00:00:18,485 THE HASHTAG #GoWokeGoBroke HAS BEEN TRENDING ONLINE WITH SOME 6 00:00:18,485 --> 00:00:20,854 CUSTOMERS TURNING AGAINST THE BEER, INCLUDING MUSICIAN 7 00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:24,591 KID ROCK. [GUNFIRE] 8 00:00:24,591 --> 00:00:28,261 [BLEEP] BUD LIGHT. ARE YOU TIRED OF WOKE BEER 9 00:00:28,261 --> 00:00:30,930 THAT BLURS GENDER LINES? WANT TO DRINK THE BEER THAT YOU 10 00:00:30,930 --> 00:00:35,301 WERE ASSIGNED AT BIRTH? THEN REACH FOR SHAFT BEER, THE 11 00:00:35,301 --> 00:00:39,706 ONLY BREW THAT COMES IN A CAN SHAPED LIKE A PENIS SO YOU KNOW 12 00:00:39,706 --> 00:00:42,609 JUST WHO IT'S FOR. POP ONE OPEN AND PUT IT IN YOUR 13 00:00:42,609 --> 00:00:45,412 MOUTH. SHAFT HEARKENS BACK TO A GOLDEN 14 00:00:45,412 --> 00:00:49,015 TIME WHEN MEN KNEW HOW TO DO MAN STUFF, 15 00:00:49,015 --> 00:00:51,384 LIKE GRAB-ASSING IN THE SHOWER, SO TUG ON A SHAFT TODAY. 16 00:00:51,384 --> 00:00:55,588 AND IF YOU WANT LESS BEER, TRY SHAFT LIGHT. 17 00:00:55,588 --> 00:00:59,893 IT'S THE SAME BEER BUT IN A CAN THE SIZE OF KID ROCK'S PENIS. 18 00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:05,198 ♪ SHAFT BEER ♪ ♪ GRAB A SHAFT TODAY! ♪ 19 00:01:05,198 --> 00:01:06,533 Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW 20 00:01:06,533 --> 00:01:11,971 WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." TONIGHT... 21 00:01:11,971 --> 00:01:16,409 LUCK OF THE POTUS. RESCUE DOG RESCUE. 22 00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:22,148 FIRST, STEPHEN WELCOMES JENNIFER GARNER 23 00:01:22,148 --> 00:01:29,656 AND CONGRESSWOMAN KATIE PORTER. FEATURING LOUIS CATO 24 00:01:29,656 --> 00:01:35,595 AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND. AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE 25 00:01:35,595 --> 00:01:38,631 FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, 26 00:01:38,631 --> 00:01:55,482 IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 27 00:01:55,482 --> 00:02:01,955 ♪ ♪ Stephen: HAPPY TUESDAY, 28 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,423 HAPPY TUESDAY. HAPPY, HAPPY. 29 00:02:03,423 --> 00:02:10,730 HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME ONE AND ALL IN HERE, OUT 30 00:02:10,730 --> 00:02:12,532 THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD TO "THE LATE SHOW." 31 00:02:12,532 --> 00:02:17,237 I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 32 00:02:17,237 --> 00:02:21,174 EVERYBODY IS IN A GREAT MOOD. BEAUTIFUL SPRING DAY HERE IN 33 00:02:21,174 --> 00:02:22,375 NEW YORK. THE SUN WAS SHINING IN THE SKY, 34 00:02:22,375 --> 00:02:26,379 THE FLOWERS WERE BLOOMING IN THE FIELDS, THE DISCARDED 35 00:02:26,379 --> 00:02:28,081 FACE MASKS WERE BLOWING IN THE STREETS. 36 00:02:28,081 --> 00:02:32,352 SPEAKING OF WHICH, YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN SIGNED A HOUSE 37 00:02:32,352 --> 00:02:36,623 BILL IMMEDIATELY ENDING THE COVID-19 NATIONAL EMERGENCY. 38 00:02:36,623 --> 00:02:41,561 THE EMERGENCY IS OFFICIALLY OVER! 39 00:02:41,561 --> 00:02:45,231 NOT SURE WHAT IT MEANS FOR OUR HEALTH. 40 00:02:45,231 --> 00:02:46,966 THIS MEANS WE CAN FINALLY GET BACK TO SOME OF OUR FAVORITE 41 00:02:46,966 --> 00:02:53,039 PREPANDEMIC LATE SHOW SEGMENTS, LIKE "SUBWAY BLIND TASTE TEST." 42 00:02:53,039 --> 00:02:58,711 IS IT A BROOKLYN-BOUND F TRAIN RUNNING EXPRESS 43 00:02:58,711 --> 00:03:01,114 ON THE D LINE? [DING, DING, DING] 44 00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:05,051 YES! OH, MY GOD! 45 00:03:05,051 --> 00:03:10,456 Stephen: THIS MORNING BIDEN WAS OFF TO THE EMERALD IRELAND. 46 00:03:10,456 --> 00:03:12,392 THE TRIP IS PART DIPLOMACY AND PART HOMECOMING, 47 00:03:12,392 --> 00:03:15,328 BECAUSE BIDEN'S ANCESTORS CAME TO THE U.S. FROM 48 00:03:15,328 --> 00:03:21,868 IRELAND IN THE MID-1800s, WHEN BIDEN WAS JUST A TEEN. 49 00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:27,073 AHEAD OF THE TRIP, CNN CAUGHT UP WITH SOME OF BIDEN'S IRISH 50 00:03:27,073 --> 00:03:29,242 COUSINS TO ASK ABOUT THEIR FAMOUS RELATIVE. 51 00:03:29,242 --> 00:03:32,979 GIRLS, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE RELATED TO A PRESIDENT? 52 00:03:32,979 --> 00:03:36,516 IT'S VERY EXCITING BECAUSE HE'S PRESIDENT. 53 00:03:36,516 --> 00:03:37,984 HAVE YOU MET HIM BEFORE? 54 00:03:37,984 --> 00:03:41,854 YEAH, WE MET HIM TWICE. HE WAS JUST EATING OUR CHIPS 55 00:03:41,854 --> 00:03:44,157 AND WHEN FANCY MEALS CAME OUT HE JUST WANTED THE CHIPS 56 00:03:44,157 --> 00:03:45,224 AND CHICKEN NUGGETS. HE WAS STELING 57 00:03:45,224 --> 00:03:47,527 YOUR CHICKEN NUGGETS? YEAH. 58 00:03:47,527 --> 00:03:51,197 Stephen: "THANKS FOR THE NUGS, CUZ! 59 00:03:51,197 --> 00:03:59,138 GOOD KIDS. LOVE THOSE CHIPS. 60 00:03:59,138 --> 00:04:00,673 YOU GUYS GET THE SHAMROCK SHAKE ALL YEAR 'ROUND OVER 61 00:04:00,673 --> 00:04:03,476 THERE? SEND ONE TO YOUR UNCLE JOEY, 62 00:04:03,476 --> 00:04:04,677 WOULDYA? BACK STATESIDE WE ONLY GET 'EM 63 00:04:04,677 --> 00:04:09,616 IN MARCH. MY FAVORITE FLAVOR, GREEN CHALK! 64 00:04:09,616 --> 00:04:16,022 BIDEN FAMOUSLY INCORPORATES IRISH POETS INTO HIS SPEECHES 65 00:04:16,022 --> 00:04:18,124 AND HAS BEEN CALLED "THE MOST IRISH" PRESIDENT 66 00:04:18,124 --> 00:04:20,994 SINCE JFK, WHO BECAME THE FIRST SERVING 67 00:04:20,994 --> 00:04:23,997 U.S. PRESIDENT TO VISIT IRELAND IN 1963. 68 00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:27,900 AND LIKE BIDEN, THE CROWDS WENT NUTS WHEN JFK RECITED SOME 69 00:04:27,900 --> 00:04:31,270 CLASSIC IRISH VERSE. THERE WAS AN OLD FELLA 70 00:04:31,270 --> 00:04:35,575 FROM DUBLIN WHOSE FLATULENCE WAS RATHER TROUBLIN'. 71 00:04:35,575 --> 00:04:39,245 HE SAID TO A LASS YOU CAN TELL I PASSED GAS 72 00:04:39,245 --> 00:04:45,952 'CAUSE MY BATH WATER JUST STARTED BUBBLIN'. 73 00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:48,287 [APPLAUSE] Stephen: SO, ANYWAY, 74 00:04:48,287 --> 00:04:49,622 BIDEN'S OVER IN IRELAND ALL WEEK. 75 00:04:49,622 --> 00:04:53,593 AND YOU KNOW, HE MIGHT JUST WANNA STAY. 76 00:04:53,593 --> 00:04:56,696 BECAUSE STATESIDE, WE'RE LOOKING AT THE COMPLETE COLLAPSE 77 00:04:56,696 --> 00:04:58,965 OF OUR JUDICIAL SYSTEM. ON FRIDAY, A FEDERAL JUDGE 78 00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:02,168 IN TEXAS SUSPENDED THE FDA'S APPROVAL OF AN ABORTION PILL. 79 00:05:02,168 --> 00:05:03,770 EVIDENTLY, THIS JUDGE THINKS HE KNOWS MORE ABOUT MEDICATION 80 00:05:03,770 --> 00:05:07,173 THAN THE FDA. WHICH IS WHY HE'S THE STAR 81 00:05:07,173 --> 00:05:10,877 OF THE NEW CBS DRAMA "DOCTOR JUDGE LEGAL PHARMACIST." 82 00:05:10,877 --> 00:05:14,847 REFILL OVERRULED! THE MEDICATION IN QUESTION 83 00:05:14,847 --> 00:05:19,285 IS A WIDELY-USED PILL CALLED MIFEPRISTONE, WHICH HAS BEEN 84 00:05:19,285 --> 00:05:22,021 ON THE MARKET FOR MORE THAN 20 YEARS. 85 00:05:22,021 --> 00:05:24,624 YOU CAN'T JUST RANDOMLY BAN THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN AROUND 86 00:05:24,624 --> 00:05:27,060 FOR DECADES BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE THEM. 87 00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:37,170 YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW THAT? MEL GIBSON. 88 00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:48,581 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] IT'S BEEN FOUR DAYS 89 00:05:48,581 --> 00:05:50,983 SINCE THIS JUDGE ANNOUNCED THE BAN, AND AMERICA-- 90 00:05:50,983 --> 00:05:53,920 SHE DON'T LIKE IT. ACCORDING TO A NEW IPSOS POLL, 91 00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:57,590 70% ARE OPPOSED TO IT, INCLUDING 82% OF DEMOCRATS AND 53% 92 00:05:57,590 --> 00:06:01,828 OF REPUBLICANS. WAIT A SECOND. 93 00:06:01,828 --> 00:06:03,863 DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS AGREE ON SOMETHING? 94 00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:08,034 THAT FEELS WEIRD. LIKE ONE OF THOSE UNLIKELY 95 00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:13,106 ANIMAL FRIENDSHIPS WHERE YOU SEE A DEER AND A LION. 96 00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:16,042 IT'S KINDA NEAT. BUT IT FEELS UNNATURAL BECAUSE 97 00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:22,548 ONE OF 'EM IS GONNA GET SNACKY. IT'S NOT JUST HUMAN PEOPLE WHO 98 00:06:22,548 --> 00:06:25,184 ARE AGAINST THIS RULING, IT'S ALSO CORPORATION PEOPLE. 99 00:06:25,184 --> 00:06:27,787 A LETTER CONDEMNING THE JUDGE'S DECISION WAS SIGNED BY MORE THAN 100 00:06:27,787 --> 00:06:31,758 400 LEADERS OF THE PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY. 101 00:06:31,758 --> 00:06:33,392 THAT'S RIGHT, BABY! AMERICA IS STANDING 102 00:06:33,392 --> 00:06:36,662 SHOULDER TO SHOULDER WITH OUR HEROES AT... 103 00:06:36,662 --> 00:06:42,969 BIG PHARMA? OKAY, THAT MAKES ME ANXIOUS. 104 00:06:42,969 --> 00:06:46,239 I HOPE THEY HAVE A PILL FOR THAT. 105 00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:51,544 AND THEY DO. IN THE LETTER, THE PHARMA-FELLAS 106 00:06:51,544 --> 00:06:54,080 POINT OUT THAT MIFEPRISTONE HAS PROVEN TO BE SAFER THAN 107 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:57,683 TYLENOL, NEARLY ALL ANTIBIOTICS, AND INSULIN. 108 00:06:57,683 --> 00:07:00,753 SO IT SEEMS LIKE THIS WASN'T MUCH ABOUT PROTECTING PUBLIC 109 00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:03,356 HEALTH. WE INGEST WAY WORSE STUFF 110 00:07:03,356 --> 00:07:06,092 THAN MEDICATION. HAVE YOU TRIED FRIED OREOS? 111 00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:10,396 THEY ARE SCHEDULE 1 CONTROLLED DELICIOUS. 112 00:07:10,396 --> 00:07:15,067 THE PHARMA BROS ARE UPSET ABOUT THE PRECEDENT THIS RULING SETS, 113 00:07:15,067 --> 00:07:17,069 EXPLAINING, IF COURTS CAN OVERTURN DRUG APPROVALS 114 00:07:17,069 --> 00:07:20,273 WITHOUT REGARD FOR SCIENCE OR EVIDENCE, ANY MEDICINE IS 115 00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:23,709 AT RISK FOR THE SAME OUTCOME. AND IF THERE'S ONE THING BIG 116 00:07:23,709 --> 00:07:26,012 PHARMA DOESN'T LIKE, IT'S YOU TAKING AWAY 117 00:07:26,012 --> 00:07:29,115 THEIR ABILITY TO SELL YOU DRUGS. TRY IT, AND THEY WILL BRING 118 00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:32,118 THE HURT. THEN THEY WILL PRESCRIBE OXY 119 00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:35,688 FOR THE HURT. SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE: 120 00:07:35,688 --> 00:07:39,091 THEM MAKING A LOT OF MONEY. THIS RULING HASN'T GONE INTO 121 00:07:39,091 --> 00:07:41,394 EFFECT YET AND IS BEING APPEALED, BUT AS A PRECAUTION, 122 00:07:41,394 --> 00:07:43,062 STATES LIKE MASSACHUSETTS AND CALIFORNIA HAVE BEGUN 123 00:07:43,062 --> 00:07:46,465 STOCKPILING THE PILLS, AND WASHINGTON'S GOVERNOR 124 00:07:46,465 --> 00:07:48,467 JAY INSLEE HAS BOUGHT A THREE-YEAR SUPPLY IN CASE OF 125 00:07:48,467 --> 00:07:52,171 A BAN. YOU CAN FOLLOW HIS ADVENTURES 126 00:07:52,171 --> 00:07:53,406 ON THE NEW CBS DRAMA "DOCTOR GOVERNOR 127 00:07:53,406 --> 00:08:00,479 LEGAL PHARMACIST" NOW STREAMING ON PARAMOUNT+! 128 00:08:00,479 --> 00:08:03,683 PARAMOUNT+! FINE! 129 00:08:03,683 --> 00:08:07,620 HE'S ALSO A COP, OKAY? WITH ALL THE PROBLEMS THIS 130 00:08:07,620 --> 00:08:09,956 COUNTRY'S FACING, THE G.O.P. IS LASER FOCUSED 131 00:08:09,956 --> 00:08:15,995 ON WHAT MATTERS MOST: TOILET STUFF. 132 00:08:15,995 --> 00:08:19,432 IN RECENT MONTHS, REPUBLICANS IN IOWA, ARKANSAS, ALABAMA, 133 00:08:19,432 --> 00:08:22,168 OKLAHOMA, AND TENNESSEE HAVE ALL PASSED BILLS ADDRESSING 134 00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:25,304 BATHROOM USE FOR TRANS PEOPLE. WHAT IS THE OBSESSION 135 00:08:25,304 --> 00:08:28,074 WITH WHO'S IN THE BATHROOM? MY HOUSE ONLY HAS GENDER 136 00:08:28,074 --> 00:08:31,477 NEUTRAL BATHROOMS. EVERYONE USES THEM, 137 00:08:31,477 --> 00:08:33,312 AND THE ONLY COMPLAINT I'VE HEARD IS THAT 138 00:08:33,312 --> 00:08:34,647 THE "ROLLING STONE" IN THE MAGAZINE RACK 139 00:08:34,647 --> 00:08:41,320 IS FROM 2004. THE LATEST ANTI-TRANS BILL 140 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:43,422 IS DOWN IN FLORIDA, AND ONE OF ITS FIERCEST ADVOCATES IS 141 00:08:43,422 --> 00:08:46,926 REPUBLICAN REPRESENTATIVE AND SCHOOL PRINCIPAL WHOSE 142 00:08:46,926 --> 00:08:54,200 EDIBLE KICKED IN RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF PICTURE DAY, 143 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:58,804 WEBSTER BARNABY. YESTERDAY, BARNABY OFFERED 144 00:08:58,804 --> 00:09:01,641 A CONFUSING METAPHOR FOR WHAT IT'S LIKE TO SHARE A WORLD 145 00:09:01,641 --> 00:09:05,378 WITH TRANS PEOPLE. I'M LOOKING AT SOCIETY 146 00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:08,781 TODAY. AND IT'S LIKE I'M WATCHING 147 00:09:08,781 --> 00:09:12,218 AN X-MEN MOVIE. IT'S LIKE WE HAVE MUTANTS 148 00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:17,290 LIVING AMONG US ON PLANET EARTH. AND, YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE 149 00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:20,326 DON'T LIKE THAT, BUT THAT'S THE FACT. 150 00:09:20,326 --> 00:09:24,430 WE HAVE PEOPLE THAT LIVE AMONG US TODAY ON PLANET EARTH 151 00:09:24,430 --> 00:09:30,670 THAT ARE HAPPY TO DISPLAY THEMSELVES AS IF THEY WERE 152 00:09:30,670 --> 00:09:36,809 MUTANTS FROM ANOTHER PLANET. THIS IS THE PLANET EARTH. 153 00:09:36,809 --> 00:09:40,546 Stephen: THERE'S A LOT TO UNPACK THERE. 154 00:09:40,546 --> 00:09:44,016 FIRST, THE X-MEN ARE FROM PLANET EARTH. 155 00:09:44,016 --> 00:09:46,686 SECOND, IF YOU'RE AGAINST TRANS PEOPLE, WHY WOULD YOU 156 00:09:46,686 --> 00:09:51,057 COMPARE THEM TO INCREDIBLY COOL SUPERHEROES WITH LASER EYES 157 00:09:51,057 --> 00:09:53,426 INDESTRUCTIBLE SKELETONS OR WHO CONTROL THE WEATHER 158 00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:57,997 WITH SEXINESS? MOST IMPORTANTLY, THE ENTIRE 159 00:09:57,997 --> 00:10:01,000 MESSAGE OF THOSE MOVIES IS THAT SOCIETY SHOULD ACCEPT EVERYONE, 160 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:04,637 NO MATTER THEIR DIFFERENCES. STAN LEE SAID HE CREATED 161 00:10:04,637 --> 00:10:08,240 THE X-MEN CHARACTERS AS A METAPHOR FOR CIVIL RIGHTS, 162 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:12,345 AND THE FRANCHISE IS EXPLICITLY A GAY RIGHTS PARABLE. 163 00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:14,680 SO BARNABY IS PURPOSEFULLY MISREPRESENTING 164 00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:20,119 THE X-MEN MOVIES. UNLESS, UNLESS HIS MUTANT POWER 165 00:10:20,119 --> 00:10:37,503 IS BEING A DUMBASS! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 166 00:10:37,503 --> 00:10:41,474 RIGHTWING NUTJOBS AREN'T JUST MAD ABOUT TRANS PEOPLE 167 00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:43,442 USING BATHROOMS. THEY'RE ALSO MAD ABOUT 168 00:10:43,442 --> 00:10:46,545 TRANS PEOPLE DRINKING BEER. BECAUSE SOME CONSERVATIVES ARE 169 00:10:46,545 --> 00:10:48,981 BOYCOTTING BUD LIGHT OVER ITS PARTNERSHIP 170 00:10:48,981 --> 00:10:51,717 WITH A TRANS ACTIVIST. COME ON, GUYS. 171 00:10:51,717 --> 00:10:54,754 THE ONLY REASON ANYONE SHOULD BOYCOTT BUD LIGHT IS IF THERE'S 172 00:10:54,754 --> 00:11:01,160 ANYTHING ELSE TO DRINK. LIKE BUD LIGHT LIME. 173 00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:04,964 WHICH IS DELICIOUS. THE CHARGE WAS LED BY 174 00:11:04,964 --> 00:11:07,099 CONSERVATIVE THOUGHT LEADER KID ROCK. 175 00:11:07,099 --> 00:11:10,736 GRANDPA'S FEELING A LITTLE FRISKY TODAY. 176 00:11:10,736 --> 00:11:14,774 LET ME SAY SOMETHING TO YOU ALL AND BE AS CLEAR AND 177 00:11:14,774 --> 00:11:23,749 CONCISE AS POSSIBLE. 178 00:11:23,749 --> 00:11:25,017 [GUNFIRE] Stephen: TEXAS CONGRESSMAN 179 00:11:25,017 --> 00:11:28,354 DAN CRENSHAW ALSO TRIED TO GET IN ON THE DOME. 180 00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:29,822 I SAW BUD LIGHT'S STUPID AD CAMPAIGN. 181 00:11:29,822 --> 00:11:32,558 SO GUESS WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO? WE'RE GOING TO THROW OUT 182 00:11:32,558 --> 00:11:37,329 EVERY SINGLE BUD LIGHT WE'VE GOT IN THE FRIDGE. 183 00:11:37,329 --> 00:11:42,668 ALL RIGHT, WELL, I GUESS THAT WAS EASY. 184 00:11:42,668 --> 00:11:46,672 Stephen: HA, HA! GOT 'EM! 185 00:11:46,672 --> 00:11:48,174 NO BUD LIGHT! HOWEVER, INTERNET SMARTIES 186 00:11:48,174 --> 00:11:52,478 DID POINT OUT THAT CRENSHAW HAS A LOT OF KARBACH, 187 00:11:52,478 --> 00:11:54,980 WHICH IS OWNED BY ANHEUSER-BUSCH. 188 00:11:54,980 --> 00:11:58,217 FOILED AGAIN BY CORPORATE HEGEMONY. 189 00:11:58,217 --> 00:12:00,686 "I'M DONE WITH NESTLE! I'LL STICK TO KIT KATS. 190 00:12:00,686 --> 00:12:03,756 THEY OWN THAT? FINE, I'LL JUST CHUG SOME 191 00:12:03,756 --> 00:12:05,157 COFFEEMATE. SERIOUSLY, THAT TOO? 192 00:12:05,157 --> 00:12:08,094 OKAY, ONE BOWL OF PURINA DOG FOOD, PLEASE. 193 00:12:08,094 --> 00:12:10,463 NO WAY! FINE, THEN I'LL JUST DRINK 194 00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:14,467 THIS BOTTLE OF GARNIER FRUCTIS MOISTURIZING SHAMPOO! 195 00:12:14,467 --> 00:12:16,102 BBBBPP! WHAT?" 196 00:12:16,102 --> 00:12:19,405 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 197 00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:21,273 MY GUESTS ARE JENNIFER GARNER AND CONGRESSWOMAN KATIE PORTER. 198 00:12:21,273 --> 00:12:26,846 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, WE HAVE PUPPIES! 199 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:50,002 ♪ ♪ 200 00:12:50,002 --> 00:12:51,604 Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND. 201 00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:54,373 LOUIS CATO AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND. 202 00:12:54,373 --> 00:13:06,185 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] LOUIS. 203 00:13:06,185 --> 00:13:08,721 OH, MY FRIEND. TONIGHT WE'VE GOT TWO DELIGHTFUL 204 00:13:08,721 --> 00:13:11,957 WOMEN ON THE SHOW. WE HAVE REPRESENTATIVE KATIE 205 00:13:11,957 --> 00:13:15,728 PORTER. SHE ALWAYS BRINGS IT, ALWAYS 206 00:13:15,728 --> 00:13:22,201 BRINGS IT HOT AND HEAVY. ALSO AN OLD FRIEND, ACTUALLY A 207 00:13:22,201 --> 00:13:25,371 WOMAN WHO SOE PEOPLE KNOW THIS WAS OUR BABYSITTER BEFORE SHE 208 00:13:25,371 --> 00:13:29,208 BECAME FAMOUS HERE IN MANHATTAN. THE LOVELY, THE TALENTED RAY OF 209 00:13:29,208 --> 00:13:36,015 SUNSHINE AND A WONDERFUL PERSON, JENNIFER GARNER IS HERE. 210 00:13:36,015 --> 00:13:41,187 JUST FANTASTIC. ALWAYS WONDERFUL WHEN SHE IS ON. 211 00:13:41,187 --> 00:13:43,589 I'VE GOT A REALLY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT. 212 00:13:43,589 --> 00:13:49,528 YOU KNOW WHAT THE WEBBYS ARE, TOOK THIS OUT OF THE SHOCK 213 00:13:49,528 --> 00:13:54,600 ABSORBER OF A FORD F-150 PAIR WE GOT NOMINATED FOR THREE THIS 214 00:13:54,600 --> 00:14:02,541 YEAR. WE'VE GOT BEST COMEDY PODCAST 215 00:14:02,541 --> 00:14:07,913 FOR THE LATE SHOW POGS SHOW. THUS, THE SOCIAL PLATFORM, THE 216 00:14:07,913 --> 00:14:14,420 LATE SHOW SOCIALS AND BEST CELEBRITY SOCIAL WHICH IS MY 217 00:14:14,420 --> 00:14:24,763 FEED, @STEPHENATHOME. YOU KNOW WHO'S UP AGAINST US AND 218 00:14:24,763 --> 00:14:30,970 BEST CELEBRITY SOCIAL? JENNIFER GARNER. 219 00:14:30,970 --> 00:14:33,072 WE ARE GOING TO DO GET OUT TONIGHT. 220 00:14:33,072 --> 00:14:36,976 WE'RE GOING TO DUKE IT OUT TONIGHT AND YOU CAN HELP. 221 00:14:36,976 --> 00:14:41,247 YOU CAN VOTE FOR THE LATE SHOW FOR ALL THREE WEBBYS ON THE LINK 222 00:14:41,247 --> 00:14:46,385 IS ON OUR TWITTER PAGE OR YOU CAN SCAN THIS QR CODE, YOU CAN 223 00:14:46,385 --> 00:14:50,789 SCAN THIS QR CODE RIGHT THERE AND PLEASE VOTE NOW, VOTING IS 224 00:14:50,789 --> 00:14:55,361 OPEN UNTIL APRIL 20TH. GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF US. 225 00:14:55,361 --> 00:15:03,068 BUT REALLY US. TODAY IS NATIONAL PET DAY AND I 226 00:15:03,068 --> 00:15:06,939 LOVE DOGS. THEY ARE MAN'S BEST FRIEND. 227 00:15:06,939 --> 00:15:11,910 BUT EVEN BETTER BECAUSE YOU NEVER HAVE TO PRETEND TO CARE 228 00:15:11,910 --> 00:15:15,414 ABOUT THEIR VACATION PHOTOS. AND BECAUSE I LOVE DOGS, 229 00:15:15,414 --> 00:15:18,150 I ALSO LOVE MY SEGMENT "RESCUE DOG RESCUE," WHERE WE 230 00:15:18,150 --> 00:15:21,320 HELP FIND HOMES FOR REAL RESCUE PUPPIES. 231 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:23,722 I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT SO FAR WE HAVE A PERFECT RECORD OF 232 00:15:23,722 --> 00:15:31,864 EVERY SINGLE DOG WE'VE FEATURED THIS RIGHT HERE, RESCUE DOG 233 00:15:31,864 --> 00:15:34,667 RESCUE IS SO MUCH MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN MY OTHER SEGM 234 00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:38,437 SEGMENT, "WHO WANTS THIS WASP NEST?" 235 00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:42,908 ONLY HALF OF THEM HAVE BEEN ADOPTED. 236 00:15:42,908 --> 00:15:44,143 AND I'M EXCITED TO ANNOUNCE IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER 237 00:15:44,143 --> 00:15:50,849 "RESCUE DOG RESCUE," BROUGHT TO YOU TONIGHT BY SIMPARICA TRIO! 238 00:15:50,849 --> 00:15:56,755 HEY, EVERYBODY. WELCOME TO RESCUE DOG RESCUE. 239 00:15:56,755 --> 00:15:58,057 HERE'S HOW SHE WORKS: WE'RE ABOUT TO SHOW YOU 240 00:15:58,057 --> 00:16:02,127 SOME ADORABLE PUPPIES THAT ARE ACTUALLY UP FOR ADOPTION THROUGH 241 00:16:02,127 --> 00:16:03,896 NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA. 242 00:16:03,896 --> 00:16:07,099 AND TO MAKE SURE THESE DOGS FIND A HOME, WE HAVE MADE UP 243 00:16:07,099 --> 00:16:11,670 FLATTERING LIES ABOUT EACH OF THEM TO MAKE YOU WANT TO ADOPT 244 00:16:11,670 --> 00:16:15,174 THEM EVEN MORE. WHAT ARE THE ODDS THIS IS GOING 245 00:16:15,174 --> 00:16:16,675 TO HAPPEN? NOW, IFONLY SOME CELEBRITY 246 00:16:16,675 --> 00:16:18,177 WERE WILLING TO HELP ME TELL THOSE LIES. 247 00:16:18,177 --> 00:16:22,614 Jennifer: HI, STEPHEN! Stephen: OH, MY GOD! 248 00:16:22,614 --> 00:16:29,922 WHAT? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 249 00:16:29,922 --> 00:16:35,928 I DIDN'T! WHAT EXACTLY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING 250 00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:39,298 HERE? Jennifer: I'M ACTUALLY 251 00:16:39,298 --> 00:16:44,069 CASTING AN ALL-DOG REMAKE OF MY SHOW OLD "ALIAS." 252 00:16:44,069 --> 00:16:45,337 Stephen: REALLY? Jennifer: NO, I WAS JUST 253 00:16:45,337 --> 00:16:49,842 PROVING THAT I CAN LIE ABOUT DOGS. 254 00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:51,243 Stephen: OH, SHOOT. I WAS HOPING TO SEE A PUPPY 255 00:16:51,243 --> 00:16:54,747 DO KARATE. ANYWAY, LET'S DO THIS! 256 00:16:54,747 --> 00:17:00,886 FIRST UP, THIS HERE IS MAX. MAX HAS BEEN SPECIALLY BRED TO 257 00:17:00,886 --> 00:17:06,091 PEE ONLY ON WEEKDAYS. ADOPT MAX AND YOU'RE SLEEPING IN 258 00:17:06,091 --> 00:17:15,734 THIS SATURDAY! Jennifer: THIS IS MARINE. 259 00:17:15,734 --> 00:17:17,503 MARINE IS AN AWARD-WINNING BAKER WHO MAKES AN INCREDIBLE 260 00:17:17,503 --> 00:17:22,741 CHOCOLATE LAVA CAKE. EVEN BETTER, SINCE CHOCOLATE 261 00:17:22,741 --> 00:17:27,413 IS POISON FOR DOGS, THAT CAKE IS ALL YOURS! 262 00:17:27,413 --> 00:17:32,551 Stephen: THIS FELLA HERE IS BLAZE. 263 00:17:32,551 --> 00:17:36,989 IS A THERAPY DOG. BY WHICH I MEAN HE IS 264 00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:42,060 IN THERAPY AND REALLY DOING THE WORK. 265 00:17:42,060 --> 00:17:43,228 WHO'S CONFRONTING UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTHS TO BECOME A BETTER 266 00:17:43,228 --> 00:17:46,765 VERSION OF THEMSELVES? YOU ARE! 267 00:17:46,765 --> 00:17:57,276 YES, YOU ARE! Jennifer: THIS IS BUZZ. 268 00:17:57,276 --> 00:17:59,411 BUZZ CAN SOLVE A RUBIK'S CUBE IN JUST OVER AN HOUR. 269 00:17:59,411 --> 00:18:02,881 WHICH MAY SEEM LIKE A LONG TIME, UNTIL YOU REALIZE 270 00:18:02,881 --> 00:18:12,224 HE'S COLORBLIND AND DOESN'T HAVE THUMBS. 271 00:18:12,224 --> 00:18:14,760 Stephen: THIS LITTLE FELLA'S NAME IS WHO. 272 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:21,733 AMONG CANINES, HE'S PROBABLY MOST FAMOUS FOR LETTING THE DOGS 273 00:18:21,733 --> 00:18:23,035 OUT. Jennifer: WHO LET THE DOGS 274 00:18:23,035 --> 00:18:23,802 OUT? Stephen: WHO. 275 00:18:23,802 --> 00:18:34,379 Jennifer: WHO? Stephen: WHO. 276 00:18:34,379 --> 00:18:36,348 Jennifer: WHO? UP NEXT IS A VERY 277 00:18:36,348 --> 00:18:40,953 SPECIAL OLDER DOG. THIS IS JENNA BARK. 278 00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:44,022 JENNA MAY LOOK MATURE BUT THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE SHE USED 279 00:18:44,022 --> 00:18:48,794 MAGIC WISHING DUST TO GO FROM 13 TO 30 IN DOG YEARS. 280 00:18:48,794 --> 00:18:51,497 ADOPT JENNA AND YOU'LL ALSO GET TO MEET HER LOVE INTEREST, 281 00:18:51,497 --> 00:19:02,374 "BARK RUFF-ALO." [BOTH BARKING] 282 00:19:02,374 --> 00:19:03,742 Stephen: THIS IS SHERLOCK BONES, THE WORLD'S 283 00:19:03,742 --> 00:19:08,113 GREATEST DOG DETECTIVE. YOU MAY REMEMBER SHERLOCK FROM 284 00:19:08,113 --> 00:19:10,849 SOLVING SUCH MYSTERIES AS "THE CASE OF THE MISSING CHEESE 285 00:19:10,849 --> 00:19:12,518 THAT FELL ON THE GROUND." Jennifer: "THE SECRET OF 286 00:19:12,518 --> 00:19:16,889 WHICH DOG PEED ON THIS TREE BEFORE ME." 287 00:19:16,889 --> 00:19:18,023 Stephen: AND, OF COURSE, "WHAT DOES THAT CROTCH 288 00:19:18,023 --> 00:19:20,959 SMELL LIKE?" WELL, THAT DOES IT FOR 289 00:19:20,959 --> 00:19:22,661 "RESCUE DOG RESCUE"! ALL THESE DOGS ARE UP 290 00:19:22,661 --> 00:19:24,663 FOR ADOPTION THROUGH NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE 291 00:19:24,663 --> 00:19:26,365 AMERICA. HEAD TO THEIR SITE OR SCAN 292 00:19:26,365 --> 00:19:29,635 THE QR CODE FOR MORE INFO. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK 293 00:19:29,635 --> 00:19:34,706 WITH JENNIFER GARNER. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 294 00:19:57,696 --> 00:20:08,073 ♪ ♪ 295 00:20:08,073 --> 00:20:12,210 Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. WELCOME BACK. 296 00:20:12,210 --> 00:20:17,182 MY FIRST GUEST IS AN ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM "ALIAS," 297 00:20:17,182 --> 00:20:19,685 "JUNO," AND "PEPPERMINT." SHE'S NOW AN EXECUTIVE PRODUCER 298 00:20:19,685 --> 00:20:29,328 AND STAR OF THE NEW SERIES "THE LAST THING HE TOLD ME." 299 00:20:29,328 --> 00:20:40,172 IS THAT AVA AGAIN? PRETTY INSISTENT EVEN FOR HIM. 300 00:20:40,172 --> 00:20:43,342 MORNING, BAILEY. CAN WE GO? 301 00:20:43,342 --> 00:20:46,678 I THINK WE SHOULD GET DRESSED FIRST. 302 00:20:46,678 --> 00:20:50,148 BAGELS. 5 MINUTES FROM SCHOOL. 303 00:20:50,148 --> 00:20:51,550 FIRST PERIOD DOESN'T START FOR 20. 304 00:20:51,550 --> 00:20:57,689 HOW ABOUT WE START WITH GOOD MORNING. 305 00:20:57,689 --> 00:21:08,333 I'LL WAIT OUT FRONT. RUNNING IN THE MORNING. 306 00:21:08,333 --> 00:21:12,070 WAIT IT OUT. Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK 307 00:21:12,070 --> 00:21:17,576 TO "THE LATE SHOW," JENNIFER GARNER. 308 00:21:17,576 --> 00:21:33,692 ♪ TO BE ON THE ROAD AGAIN ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 309 00:21:33,692 --> 00:21:36,528 Stephen: JENNIFER GARNER. Jennifer: THANK YOU SO MU 310 00:21:36,528 --> 00:21:43,602 MUCH. [CHEERS AND APLAUSE] 311 00:21:43,602 --> 00:21:46,471 Stephen: LOVELY TO SEE YOU. Jennifer: SO GOOD TO SEE 312 00:21:46,471 --> 00:21:47,339 YOU. Stephen: SO NICE TO HAVE 313 00:21:47,339 --> 00:21:49,374 YOU ON. YOU ARE A VISION TO BEHOLD AND 314 00:21:49,374 --> 00:21:54,513 JUST A DELIGHT TO TALK TO. I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR HELPING 315 00:21:54,513 --> 00:21:56,915 US GET THESE PUPPIES INTO A FOREVER HOME. 316 00:21:56,915 --> 00:22:00,152 Jennifer: HOW ARE WE GOING TO SPLIT THEM UP? 317 00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:01,753 Stephen: THE PUPPIES? I'LL TAKE THE FIRST SIX AND YOU 318 00:22:01,753 --> 00:22:03,955 WILL TAKE THE SECOND SIX. I KNOW YOU'VE GOT ANIMALS AT 319 00:22:03,955 --> 00:22:04,589 HOME. YOU 320 00:22:04,589 --> 00:22:09,494 HAVE A BIG OPEN HEART. 321 00:22:09,494 --> 00:22:13,765 I HAVE A COUPLE PICTURES HERE. CAN YOU TELL A TO THESE PEOPLE 322 00:22:13,765 --> 00:22:16,468 ARE. WOULD WE HAVE HERE? 323 00:22:16,468 --> 00:22:20,972 Jennifer: THAT IS BERTIE THE DOGGY. 324 00:22:20,972 --> 00:22:25,677 BERTIE LIKES TO READ. WE READ KIDS BOOKS. 325 00:22:25,677 --> 00:22:32,684 HE IS KIND OF A PICTURE BOOK KIND OF DOG. 326 00:22:32,684 --> 00:22:33,919 Stephen: WHAT OTHER ANIMALS DO YOU HAVE? 327 00:22:33,919 --> 00:22:37,222 Jennfer: HAVE A CAT NAMED MOOSE. 328 00:22:37,222 --> 00:22:42,060 THERE IS A THEME, STEPHEN. Stephen: A DOG NAMED 329 00:22:42,060 --> 00:22:46,965 BERTIE, A CAT NAMED MOOSE. DO YOU HAVE A BIRD NAMED SNAKE? 330 00:22:46,965 --> 00:22:50,802 Jennifer: WE HAD A BEARDED DRAGON NAMED SQUID BUT THANK GOD 331 00:22:50,802 --> 00:22:57,876 SOMEBODY WANTED TO HAVE THAT DRAGON MORE THAN WE DID. 332 00:22:57,876 --> 00:23:00,445 Jennifer: IT SMELLED, THE CRICKETS GOT EVERYWHERE. 333 00:23:00,445 --> 00:23:05,484 IT TURNS OUT I DON'T HAVE A HEART FOR REPTILES. 334 00:23:05,484 --> 00:23:10,655 WARM-BLOODED. Stephen: THIS IS A CERTAIN 335 00:23:10,655 --> 00:23:14,493 SLICE OF CHAOS. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? 336 00:23:14,493 --> 00:23:16,862 Jennifer: MOOSE HAD AN ACCIDENT. 337 00:23:16,862 --> 00:23:21,800 I HAD TO WASH HIM. Stephen: THERE IS NOTHING 338 00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:24,936 CATS LOVE MORE THAN BEING HELD DOWN AND GETTING WET. 339 00:23:24,936 --> 00:23:34,279 Jennifer: IT HAD TO HAPPEN. IT WASN'T LIKE, HE WAS BEFOULED. 340 00:23:34,279 --> 00:23:39,184 Stephen: WHAT IS GOING ON? Jennifer: HE WASN'T HAPPY 341 00:23:39,184 --> 00:23:41,453 ABOUT IT. Stephen: DIDN'T USE HIS 342 00:23:41,453 --> 00:23:43,622 INDOOR WORDS? Jennifer: DIDN'T USE HIS 343 00:23:43,622 --> 00:23:46,158 INDOOR NICE VOICE BUT HE WAS A PRETTY GOOD SPORT. 344 00:23:46,158 --> 00:23:50,162 I JUST HAD TO TAKE IT ON THE CHIN AND GO FOR IT. 345 00:23:50,162 --> 00:23:53,198 Stephen: THIS IS FROM YOUR INSTAGRAM FEED, IS IT NOT? 346 00:23:53,198 --> 00:23:58,904 YOU HAVE LIKE 14 MILLION PEOPLE ON YOUR INSTAGRAM FEED. 347 00:23:58,904 --> 00:24:01,139 Jennifer: WE ARE ADVERSARIES IN THIS WAY. 348 00:24:01,139 --> 00:24:05,076 Stephen: WE ARE. THEY TOOK AWAY MY WEBBY. 349 00:24:05,076 --> 00:24:11,783 Jennifer: MANO A MANO. Stephen: IN THE WEBBY 350 00:24:11,783 --> 00:24:13,218 AWARDS. Jennifer: I AM GOING TO 351 00:24:13,218 --> 00:24:15,253 VOTE FOR YOU. Stephen: I'M GOING TO VOTE 352 00:24:15,253 --> 00:24:17,722 FOR ME TOO. THAT IS SO SWEET. 353 00:24:17,722 --> 00:24:23,862 I KNEW YOU BACK IN THE '90s, MID '90s. 354 00:24:23,862 --> 00:24:26,965 JENNIFER COOLIDGE RECENTLY TOLD REPORTERS SHE ALWAYS WANTED TO 355 00:24:26,965 --> 00:24:29,801 PLAY AT DOLPHIN. THE REASON I SAY I KNEW YOU BACK 356 00:24:29,801 --> 00:24:33,371 IN THE '90s IS BECAUSE AFTER WE KNEW YOU AND YOUR BABYSITTER 357 00:24:33,371 --> 00:24:37,409 BRIEFLY YOU WENT TO L.A. AND WE THOUGHT OH, POOR JEN, WE WILL 358 00:24:37,409 --> 00:24:41,346 NEVER SEE HER AGAIN. YOU ALMOST AUTOMATICALLY BOOKED 359 00:24:41,346 --> 00:24:42,714 THIS. Jennifer: THERE WAS-- 360 00:24:42,714 --> 00:24:47,686 Stephen: YOU POSTED THIS. Jennifer: I JUST RECENTLY 361 00:24:47,686 --> 00:24:50,822 POSTED THIS. IT WAS A SHOW CALLED "THE RETURN 362 00:24:50,822 --> 00:24:54,726 TO FANTASY ISLAND" AND I WENT AS A GUEST STAR JUST AS WE MET AS 363 00:24:54,726 --> 00:24:58,463 GUEST STARS ON "SPIN CITY." I HAD AN ILLUSTRIOUS GUEST STAR 364 00:24:58,463 --> 00:25:02,634 CAREER. I PLAYED A DOLPHIN WHO WAS ALSO 365 00:25:02,634 --> 00:25:07,839 A GIRL WHO WAS ALSO A DOLPHIN. Stephen: JENNIFER COOLIDGE 366 00:25:07,839 --> 00:25:11,142 WANTS TO PLAY DOLPHIN AND YOU POSTED THIS. 367 00:25:11,142 --> 00:25:12,577 Jennifer: WHAT'S YOUR NAME? I'M MICHAEL. 368 00:25:12,577 --> 00:25:16,047 WHAT'S YOURS? OH. 369 00:25:16,047 --> 00:25:18,583 PEOPLE CAN'T PRONOUNCE IT IN ENGLISH. 370 00:25:18,583 --> 00:25:27,058 JUST CALL ME SALLY. MICHAEL. 371 00:25:27,058 --> 00:25:32,597 MICHAEL. YOUR A DOLPHIN! 372 00:25:32,597 --> 00:25:36,201 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Jennifer: THANK YOU, 373 00:25:36,201 --> 00:25:37,335 THANK YOU. THANK YOU. 374 00:25:37,335 --> 00:25:42,374 I MEAN, I CAN HELP HER OUT. I COULD GIVE HER SOME TIPS. 375 00:25:42,374 --> 00:25:45,176 Stephen: WHAT WAS SOME OF YOUR BACK STORY? 376 00:25:45,176 --> 00:25:49,648 Jennifer: DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HAD TO DO, THEY NEEDED ME IN 377 00:25:49,648 --> 00:25:53,018 THE NORTH SHORE OF HAWAII AND THEY PUT ME IN THIS HUGE 378 00:25:53,018 --> 00:25:56,187 AQUARIUM WITH A HAMMERHEAD SHARK AND A TIGER SHARK. 379 00:25:56,187 --> 00:25:57,622 Stephen: NO WAY. Jennifer: I SWEAR TO YOU. 380 00:25:57,622 --> 00:26:01,126 THIS IS WHEN YOU ARE AN EXPENDABLE YOUNG ACTRESS. 381 00:26:01,126 --> 00:26:04,229 I TOOK SCUBA THING AND SAT ON THE BOTTOM. 382 00:26:04,229 --> 00:26:06,097 THEY WILL ROLL CAMERA. I SAT ON THE BOTTOM OF THE TANK 383 00:26:06,097 --> 00:26:09,067 AND I WATCHED BECAUSE I HAD TO GO THROUGH A TUNNEL AND I DIDN'T 384 00:26:09,067 --> 00:26:13,004 WANT TO MEET THE HAMMERHEAD IN THE TUNNEL AND THEY SAID "THEY 385 00:26:13,004 --> 00:26:14,606 HAVE BEEN FED. YOU'RE FINE." 386 00:26:14,606 --> 00:26:17,042 I SAT ON THE BOTTOM AND BREATHED THROUGH THIS THING AND WHEN THEY 387 00:26:17,042 --> 00:26:19,444 HAVE OR HAD GOT TO WHERE I WAS OKAY I WOULD DO THE TAKING OF 388 00:26:19,444 --> 00:26:27,252 THE TOP OF THE TECH I HAD TO TREAD WATER AT THE TOP OF THE 389 00:26:27,252 --> 00:26:28,653 HAMMERHEAD SHARK. BUT I DID IT. 390 00:26:28,653 --> 00:26:30,956 Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK BUT DON'T GO 391 00:26:30,956 --> 00:26:33,625 ANYWHERE BECAUSE WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE JENNIFER 392 00:26:33,625 --> 00:26:35,694 GARNER, EVERYBODY. STICK AROUND. 393 00:26:43,401 --> 00:26:47,605 Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. 394 00:26:47,605 --> 00:26:49,674 [APPLAUSE] IT'S THE STAR OF "THE LAST THING 395 00:26:49,674 --> 00:26:53,678 HE TOLD ME" ON APPLE TV+. IT'S JENNIFER GARNER, EVERYBODY. 396 00:26:53,678 --> 00:26:58,016 NOW THAT YOU'VE GONE FROM BEING DOLPHIN TO BEING AN 397 00:26:58,016 --> 00:27:01,853 EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF THE NEW SHOW "THE LAST THING HE TOLD 398 00:27:01,853 --> 00:27:05,457 ME." A MINI-SERIES BASED ON LAURA 399 00:27:05,457 --> 00:27:08,827 DAVE'S 2021 BOOK. WHAT'S IT ABOUT? 400 00:27:08,827 --> 00:27:12,464 Jennifer: 65 PLUS WEEKS ON THE BEST SELLER LIST, SUCH A 401 00:27:12,464 --> 00:27:15,867 KILLER BOOK IF YOU HAVEN'T READ IT, PLEASE RUSH OUT AND GET IT 402 00:27:15,867 --> 00:27:17,302 RIGHT NOW. IT'S ABOUT A WOMAN WHO IS 403 00:27:17,302 --> 00:27:21,806 MARRIED TO THE LOVE OF HER LIFE. SHE MARRIED LATE IN LIFE. 404 00:27:21,806 --> 00:27:23,041 HE DISAPPEARS AND SHE'S LEFT WITH HIS DAUGHTER, HER 405 00:27:23,041 --> 00:27:28,580 STEPDAUGHTER WHO WAS A TEENAGER PLAYED BY BEAUTIFUL ANGOURIE 406 00:27:28,580 --> 00:27:35,053 RICE. BUT WE BOTH LOVE THE SAME MAN, 407 00:27:35,053 --> 00:27:42,494 AND WE HAVE TO WORK TOGETHER TO FIGURE OUT THIS THRILLER BUT AT 408 00:27:42,494 --> 00:27:45,030 THE CENTER OF IT IT'S TWO WOMEN WHO LEARN TO LOVE EACH OTHER AND 409 00:27:45,030 --> 00:27:52,737 BECOME A FAMILY. THAT WAS SO GOOD. 410 00:27:52,737 --> 00:27:53,972 Stephen: THAT AND A DOLPHIN TOO. 411 00:27:53,972 --> 00:27:57,175 Jennifer: ONE AFTER ANOTHER, I AM JUST KNOCKING THEM 412 00:27:57,175 --> 00:28:00,645 DOWN. Stephen: YOU HAVE CHILDREN, 413 00:28:00,645 --> 00:28:02,714 YOU HAVE TEENAGERS. WITHOUT ANY SPECIFICS, THE EYE 414 00:28:02,714 --> 00:28:07,852 ROLLING DAUGHTER, HAVE IT HAD ANY TRAINING WITH THAT. 415 00:28:07,852 --> 00:28:09,054 Jennifer: WHAT DO YOU THINK? 416 00:28:09,054 --> 00:28:11,089 Stephen: WERE YOU AND I ROLLING DAUGHTER? 417 00:28:11,089 --> 00:28:15,160 DID YOU GIVE YOUR MOM ANY GRIEF? Jennifer: I FEEL LIKE I 418 00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:17,095 DIDN'T. I WOULD SAY NO BUT YOU CAN'T 419 00:28:17,095 --> 00:28:19,364 AVOID IT. YOU HAVE TO AT SOME POINT. 420 00:28:19,364 --> 00:28:25,437 Stephen: IT IS AUTONOMIC. YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT. 421 00:28:25,437 --> 00:28:27,072 Stephen: I WAS A PERFECT CHILD. 422 00:28:27,072 --> 00:28:33,578 THAT'S I WENT INTO COMEDY. "ALIAS" FRIENDS ARE THRILLED TO 423 00:28:33,578 --> 00:28:39,651 SEE THAT YOU REUNITE WITH YOUR TV-- 424 00:28:39,651 --> 00:28:45,056 Jennifer: SPY DADDY. HERE YOU ARE FOR A TRIP DOWN 425 00:28:45,056 --> 00:28:49,861 MEMORY LANE. THERE YOU ARE. 426 00:28:49,861 --> 00:28:53,098 IS IT TRUE, I HEARD, MIGHT HAVE BEEN THE DIRECTOR WHO SAID YOU 427 00:28:53,098 --> 00:28:55,967 CAN'T STAY IN CHARACTER WHEN HE'S THERE. 428 00:28:55,967 --> 00:29:00,472 YOU JUST SMILE THE WHOLE TIME. Jennifer: OUR SHOWRUNNER, 429 00:29:00,472 --> 00:29:06,845 JOSH SINGER, CAME ON ITS HEAD AD SAID STOP SMILING AT VICTOR. 430 00:29:06,845 --> 00:29:08,580 YOU'VE NEVER BROKEN CHARACTER LIKE THIS. 431 00:29:08,580 --> 00:29:10,548 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I CAN'T HELP IT. 432 00:29:10,548 --> 00:29:14,452 I JUST LOVE HIM SO MUCH. Stephen: YOU HAVE A 433 00:29:14,452 --> 00:29:16,554 BIRTHDAY NEXT WEEK. Jennifer: I DO! 434 00:29:16,554 --> 00:29:18,356 Stephen: YES. I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE A LOVELY 435 00:29:18,356 --> 00:29:21,659 TRADITION THAT YOU DO ON YOUR BIRTHDAY. 436 00:29:21,659 --> 00:29:26,131 Jennifer: I TRY TO DO SOMETHING TO START THE YEAR OFF 437 00:29:26,131 --> 00:29:29,334 ON THE RIGHT FOOT AND THIS YEAR WE'RE GOING TO PLANT TREES. 438 00:29:29,334 --> 00:29:32,837 Stephen: THIS IS WHAT I HEARD. 439 00:29:32,837 --> 00:29:37,242 BEFORE YOU GO, I WANT TO ISSUE A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY. 440 00:29:37,242 --> 00:29:40,311 WE HAVE GOTTEN YOU A TREE TO PLANT. 441 00:29:40,311 --> 00:29:45,550 IT IS AN OLIVE TREE. THERE YOU GO. 442 00:29:45,550 --> 00:29:51,656 HAPPY BIRTHDAY. AND AS WE ARE COMPETITORS NOW ON 443 00:29:51,656 --> 00:29:54,058 THE WEBBYS, IT IS AN OLIVE BRANCH. 444 00:29:54,058 --> 00:29:56,761 Jennifer: FAIR ENOUGH. THANK YOU. 445 00:29:56,761 --> 00:29:59,063 Stephen: LOVELY TO SEE YOU. "THE LAST THING HE TOLD ME" 446 00:29:59,063 --> 00:30:00,198 STARTS FRIDAY ON APPLE TV+. 447 00:30:00,198 --> 00:30:01,199 JENNIFER GARNER, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK 448 00:30:01,199 --> 00:30:05,270 WITH CONGRESSWOMAN KATIE PORTER. 449 00:30:11,376 --> 00:30:20,585 ♪ ♪ 450 00:30:20,585 --> 00:30:23,188 Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW. 451 00:30:23,188 --> 00:30:26,324 FOLKS. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 452 00:30:26,324 --> 00:30:29,794 YOU KNOW MY NEXT GUEST AND HER WHITE BOARD 453 00:30:29,794 --> 00:30:31,396 FROM ASKING THE TOUGH QUESTIONS AT CONGRESSIONAL HEARINGS. 454 00:30:31,396 --> 00:30:32,263 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," 455 00:30:32,263 --> 00:30:45,677 CONGRESSWOMAN KATIE PORTER. ♪ ♪ 456 00:30:45,677 --> 00:30:54,886 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 457 00:30:54,886 --> 00:30:57,121 I HAVE INTERVIEWED YOU BEFORE BUT NEVER IN PERSON. 458 00:30:57,121 --> 00:31:01,993 OVER THE ZOOM. YESTERDAY WE WERE TALKING ABOUT 459 00:31:01,993 --> 00:31:05,630 JUSTICE CLARENCE THOMAS AND THE LATEST REVELATIONS ABOUT HIS 460 00:31:05,630 --> 00:31:10,168 ENJOYMENT OF THE HALF-MILLION DOLLAR TRIPS TO THE SOUTH SEAS 461 00:31:10,168 --> 00:31:15,440 AND THE YACHT LIFE. AS ONE WHO TALKS ABOUT ELITISM 462 00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:21,646 IN OUR GOVERNMENT, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT HIS 463 00:31:21,646 --> 00:31:23,514 PENCHANT FOR FINE CIGARS AND MOUNTAIN RETREATS? 464 00:31:23,514 --> 00:31:26,718 Congresswoman Porter: I THINK THE HYPOCRISY IS RICH. 465 00:31:26,718 --> 00:31:30,755 HE TALKS ABOUT ENJOYING THE RV LIFESTYLE AND I WOULD PRESUME 466 00:31:30,755 --> 00:31:36,427 THAT HE DRIVES HIS RV TO THE PRIVATE AIRPORT WHERE HE GETS ON 467 00:31:36,427 --> 00:31:39,530 THE PRIVATE JET TO GO TO THE PRIVATE ISLAND. 468 00:31:39,530 --> 00:31:42,233 I THAT IT'S EVEN A PRIVATE RV. Stephen: WHAT IS THE 469 00:31:42,233 --> 00:31:43,901 PRIVATE JET BUT THE RV OF THE SKIES? 470 00:31:43,901 --> 00:31:45,136 Congresswoman Porter: IT IS. 471 00:31:45,136 --> 00:31:48,439 HE IS LIVING THAT LIFESTYLE AND MEANWHILE I'M IN A MINIVAN. 472 00:31:48,439 --> 00:31:52,710 Stephen: YES, WE'LL GET TO THAT JUST A MOMENT. 473 00:31:52,710 --> 00:31:56,648 THE NAME OF YOUR BOOK IS CALLED "I SWEAR: POLITICS IS MESSIER 474 00:31:56,648 --> 00:32:06,891 THAN MY MINIVAN." [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 475 00:32:06,891 --> 00:32:10,128 YOU HAVE SERVED IN THE HOUSE SINCE 2019 AND NOW YOU'VE 476 00:32:10,128 --> 00:32:12,930 ANNOUNCE THAT YOU'RE RUNNING FOR THE SENATE. 477 00:32:12,930 --> 00:32:20,138 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE A 478 00:32:20,138 --> 00:32:22,106 SENATOR INSTEAD OF A CONGRESSPERSON? 479 00:32:22,106 --> 00:32:24,275 YOU DON'T GET TO RAISE MONEY CONSTANTLY AND YOU DON'T GET TO 480 00:32:24,275 --> 00:32:27,612 RUN FOR OFFICE EVERY TWO YEARS. Congresswoman Porter: I 481 00:32:27,612 --> 00:32:31,916 THINK RUNNING FOR OFFICE IS THE MOST FUN PART OF THE JOB THAT 482 00:32:31,916 --> 00:32:34,118 WAS A SURPRISE TO ME. I WENT TO WASHINGTON, I WANTED 483 00:32:34,118 --> 00:32:36,220 TO BE A POLICY NERD AND I THOUGHT I WOULD LOVE WASHINGTON 484 00:32:36,220 --> 00:32:39,424 AND I SAY IN THE BOOK OF THIS IS TRUE, WASHINGTON, D.C., IS WHERE 485 00:32:39,424 --> 00:32:42,627 TIME GOES TO GET WASTED. THE REALLY VALUABLE WORK I DO IS 486 00:32:42,627 --> 00:32:47,298 THE CAMPAIGNING, LISTENING TO PEOPLE, KNOCKING ON DOORS, 487 00:32:47,298 --> 00:32:51,969 TOWN HALLS, ALL THAT STUFF, KICKISSING BABIES AND PUPPIES AD 488 00:32:51,969 --> 00:32:53,004 THAT'S PURE JOY IN WASHINGTON, D.C., IS THE PRICE 489 00:32:53,004 --> 00:32:55,740 YOU PAY FOR THE FUN OF CAMPAIGNING. 490 00:32:55,740 --> 00:32:58,943 THE OTHERS SAY ABOUT WHY RUNNING FOR THE SENATE, IN THE SENATE DO 491 00:32:58,943 --> 00:33:05,483 YOU TO SERVE HIM TWICE AS MANY COMMITTEES. 492 00:33:05,483 --> 00:33:10,054 YOU GET TWICE AS MANY COMMITTEES AND THAT'S DOUBLE ROASTED 493 00:33:10,054 --> 00:33:13,725 COFFEE. DOUBLE ROASTED WHITE BOARDS. 494 00:33:13,725 --> 00:33:16,794 THINK ABOUT THE FORCE MULTIPLIER. 495 00:33:16,794 --> 00:33:19,731 Stephen: DO YOU EVER FEEL INSULTED THAT NO ONE IS TRYING 496 00:33:19,731 --> 00:33:21,933 TO BRIBE YOU? Congresswoman Porter: YES, 497 00:33:21,933 --> 00:33:23,668 YES. THINK HOW FUN IT WOULD BE TO 498 00:33:23,668 --> 00:33:26,337 TELL THEM OFF. BUT THAT NEVER HAPPENS TO ME. 499 00:33:26,337 --> 00:33:30,975 WHEN I FIRST GOT TO WASHINGTON I HAD SOMEBODY, LOBBYIST SAID OH, 500 00:33:30,975 --> 00:33:35,079 YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE. Stephen: WHAT DID THAT 501 00:33:35,079 --> 00:33:35,880 MEAN? COULD YOU I DON'T KNOW. 502 00:33:35,880 --> 00:33:37,315 I THOUGHT ATTRACTIVE, SINGLE WOMAN. 503 00:33:37,315 --> 00:33:42,653 HE SAID NO, NO, SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T TAKE CORPORATE MONEY AND 504 00:33:42,653 --> 00:33:44,188 I DON'T TAKE LOBBYIST MONEY EITHER. 505 00:33:44,188 --> 00:33:47,158 HE SAID DON'T WORRY, WE'LL BREAK YOU. 506 00:33:47,158 --> 00:33:51,996 AND HE HAS NOT. HE HAS NOT. 507 00:33:51,996 --> 00:33:57,735 BUT THAT WAS A POWERFUL LESSON. Stephen: YOUR KNOWLEDGE OF 508 00:33:57,735 --> 00:34:02,907 CEOs COMES BEFORE YOU WERE IN CONGRESS, YOU WORKED IN BANKING 509 00:34:02,907 --> 00:34:05,643 REGULATION. LET'S TALK ABOUT SILICON VALLEY 510 00:34:05,643 --> 00:34:09,614 BANK. DO YOU SEE THAT AS A FAILURE OF 511 00:34:09,614 --> 00:34:11,549 REGULATION? A, WHAT SHOULD THE GOVERNMENT BE 512 00:34:11,549 --> 00:34:14,018 DOING? AND DO PEOPLE SEE THAT COMING? 513 00:34:14,018 --> 00:34:16,387 Congresswoman Porter: I THINK IT IS A FAILURE OF 514 00:34:16,387 --> 00:34:19,624 REGULATION IN THE SENSE WE MIGHT'VE BEEN ABLE TO PREVENT IT 515 00:34:19,624 --> 00:34:22,226 WITH BETTER REGULATION BUT PART OF THE GOAL WITH REGULATION OF 516 00:34:22,226 --> 00:34:27,098 BANK FAILURES IS TO HAVE THEM FAIL AS LEAST BADLY AS POSSIBLE. 517 00:34:27,098 --> 00:34:29,767 IT'S LIKE A STUDENT. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A D- IN 518 00:34:29,767 --> 00:34:33,004 AN F IN WHAT WE WERE TRYING TO DO WITH BANKING REGULATIONS IS 519 00:34:33,004 --> 00:34:36,007 WHEN BANKS GET INTO TROUBLE TO TRY TO MAKE SURE THEY FAIL IN A 520 00:34:36,007 --> 00:34:40,745 WAY THAT DOES THE LEAST DAMAGE. WE PUT SOME GOOD REGULATIONS AND 521 00:34:40,745 --> 00:34:44,916 PLACE AFTER DODD-FRANK AND THE FINANCIAL CRISIS. 522 00:34:44,916 --> 00:34:48,920 DECIDE TO ROLL THOSE BACK AND THAT WAS THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE, 523 00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:52,390 TRUMP CONGRESS. TO BE CLEAR ABOUT 45 DEMOCRATS 524 00:34:52,390 --> 00:34:57,495 JOINED IN DEREGULATING BANKS THE EXACT SIZE OF SILICON VALLEY 525 00:34:57,495 --> 00:35:00,431 BANK. Stephen: MARTY FRANK 526 00:35:00,431 --> 00:35:02,433 MIGHT'VE BEEN ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. 527 00:35:02,433 --> 00:35:04,068 DOES THAT SURPRISE YOU? Congresswoman Porter: 528 00:35:04,068 --> 00:35:07,872 PEOPLE GET TALKED INTO THINGS BY LOBBYISTS. 529 00:35:07,872 --> 00:35:09,974 THEY GET TOLD WE DON'T REALLY NEED THIS REGULATION. 530 00:35:09,974 --> 00:35:12,944 LET ME BE CLEAR, THE WHOLE POINT OF BANKING REGULATION AS YOU 531 00:35:12,944 --> 00:35:15,746 HOPE YOU DON'T NEED IT. I WILL TELL YOU THIS, WHEN IT'S 532 00:35:15,746 --> 00:35:18,983 YOUR MONEY IN THE BANK, ANY MONEY, ANY BANK WHERE I HAVE MY 533 00:35:18,983 --> 00:35:22,453 MONEY IS A BANK THAT IS TOO BIG TO FAIL AND I THINK MOST 534 00:35:22,453 --> 00:35:24,288 AMERICANS WOULD FEEL THE SAME WAY. 535 00:35:24,288 --> 00:35:26,691 Stephen: LET'S GET BACK TO THE BOOK."I SWEAR: POLITICS IS R 536 00:35:26,691 --> 00:35:32,663 THAN MY MINIVAN." IT DETAILS YOUR LIFE IN CONGRESS 537 00:35:32,663 --> 00:35:35,233 AS A SINGLE MOM. YOU SAY IT'S A BIT 538 00:35:35,233 --> 00:35:36,434 CONTROVERSIAL. WHAT'S CONTROVERSIAL? 539 00:35:36,434 --> 00:35:39,871 Congresswoman Porter: THERE IS THIS EFFORT AND POLITICS TO 540 00:35:39,871 --> 00:35:43,975 TRY TO PRETEND THAT CONGRESS IS GLAMOROUS AND WE ARE POWERFUL 541 00:35:43,975 --> 00:35:46,677 AND IT'S ALL THIS REALLY WONDERFUL, AMAZING THINGS IN THE 542 00:35:46,677 --> 00:35:51,048 TRUTH IS IT IS LIKE YOU'RE HOT. YOU'RE LATE. 543 00:35:51,048 --> 00:35:52,617 YOU'RE SWEATY. DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. 544 00:35:52,617 --> 00:35:56,320 YOU'RE FLYING BACK AND FORTH AND I THINK WE SHOULD BE MORE HONEST 545 00:35:56,320 --> 00:35:59,290 WITH THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. CONGRESS IS A MESS AND THAT'S 546 00:35:59,290 --> 00:36:01,359 BECAUSE DEMOCRACIES KIND OF SUPPOSED TO BE MESSY. 547 00:36:01,359 --> 00:36:04,795 THAT'S OKAY BUT WHAT'S NOT OKAY IS LYING TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE 548 00:36:04,795 --> 00:36:07,498 ABOUT IT AND PRETENDING THAT IT'S ALL EASY AND CUT AND DRY 549 00:36:07,498 --> 00:36:12,436 BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS, IT'S HARD. IT'S HARD TO GO TO WORK EVERY 550 00:36:12,436 --> 00:36:14,772 DAY WITH MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE AS A COLLEAGUE. 551 00:36:14,772 --> 00:36:23,948 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I MEAN, MOST PEOPLE WOULD JUST 552 00:36:23,948 --> 00:36:25,783 FIND A DIFFERENT CUBICLE, DIFFERENT JOB. 553 00:36:25,783 --> 00:36:29,420 IT IS HARD TO COMMUTE 3,000 MILES TO YOUR JOB. 554 00:36:29,420 --> 00:36:33,190 IT'S HARD TO WORK IN AN INDUSTRY-- 555 00:36:33,190 --> 00:36:37,562 BEFORE I WAS A POLITICIAN, I WAS A PROFESSOR AND I ACTUALLY USED 556 00:36:37,562 --> 00:36:41,232 TO BE RESPECTED AND MY JOB. ONE OF THE THINGS THE BOOK TRIES 557 00:36:41,232 --> 00:36:47,505 TO GRAPPLE WITH IS THE LONG-STANDING-- 558 00:36:47,505 --> 00:36:50,074 CONGRESS HAS ABOUT THE SAME POPULARITY AS THE AMERICAN 559 00:36:50,074 --> 00:36:52,710 COCKROACH. I THINK WE SHOULD THINK ABOUT, 560 00:36:52,710 --> 00:36:55,680 WHY IS THAT? WHY DON'T PEOPLE LIKE US? 561 00:36:55,680 --> 00:36:59,016 WHY DO PEOPLE TRUST US? WE ARE NOT STRAIGHT WITH THEM 562 00:36:59,016 --> 00:37:02,653 ABOUT WHAT IT'S REALLY LIKE, WHAT THE CHALLENGES ARE AND 563 00:37:02,653 --> 00:37:05,323 ABOUT WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT IT. Stephen: A COUPLE PEOPLE 564 00:37:05,323 --> 00:37:07,925 THAT YOU ARE RUNNING UP AGAINST I HAVE ALSO INTERVIEWED. 565 00:37:07,925 --> 00:37:13,664 ADAM SCHIFF, BARBARA LEE. DO YOU WANT TO SMACK THEM AROUND 566 00:37:13,664 --> 00:37:16,033 RIGHT NOW? Congresswoman Porter: 567 00:37:16,033 --> 00:37:18,035 ABSOLUTELY NOT. THE SENATE RACE HAS A POTENTIAL 568 00:37:18,035 --> 00:37:20,371 TO BE REALLY GOOD FOR CALIFORNIA AND THE COUNTRY. 569 00:37:20,371 --> 00:37:23,741 IF WE DO THIS RIGHT, BARBARA AND ADAM AND I WILL HELP TURN OUT 570 00:37:23,741 --> 00:37:26,210 VOTERS ALL AROUND THE COUNTRY AND HELP ENERGIZE PEOPLE TO 571 00:37:26,210 --> 00:37:28,546 UNDERSTAND WHY IT'S SO IMPORTANT THEY VOTE. 572 00:37:28,546 --> 00:37:32,483 THERE IS NO PATH TO A DURABLE MAJORITY FOR CONGRESS THAT DOES 573 00:37:32,483 --> 00:37:34,585 NOT RUN THROUGH CALIFORNIA. I AM GOING TO RUN THE SENATE 574 00:37:34,585 --> 00:37:38,422 RACE IN A WAY THAT NOT ONLY SENDS ME TO THE SENATE BUT SENDS 575 00:37:38,422 --> 00:37:40,191 DEMOCRATS INTO THE MAJORITY FOR YEARS TO COME. 576 00:37:40,191 --> 00:37:45,997 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Stephen: THAT WOULD BE 577 00:37:45,997 --> 00:37:47,898 CERTAINLY INTERESTING. THAT WOULD BE AN INTERESTING 578 00:37:47,898 --> 00:37:53,604 CHANGE OF PACE. I KNOW THAT THE REPUBLICAN PARTY 579 00:37:53,604 --> 00:37:56,607 HAS MANY FAILINGS, BUT ALL PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE. 580 00:37:56,607 --> 00:38:00,711 WE ARE ALL JUST HUMANS. WHERE DOES THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY 581 00:38:00,711 --> 00:38:02,079 FALL DOWN ON THE JOB? Congresswoman Porter: FOR 582 00:38:02,079 --> 00:38:05,516 ME THE FACT WE DIDN'T PASS A CONGRESSIONAL BAN ON STOCK 583 00:38:05,516 --> 00:38:09,353 TRADING WHEN DEMOCRATS WERE IN POWER TELLS YOU SOMETHING ABOUT 584 00:38:09,353 --> 00:38:12,390 JUST WHO HAS AN INVESTMENT PORTFOLIO AND WHO IS TRAINING 585 00:38:12,390 --> 00:38:13,824 STOCK. DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS WHO 586 00:38:13,824 --> 00:38:16,761 DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP THAT BIT OF POWER TO EARN THE RESPECT AND 587 00:38:16,761 --> 00:38:19,430 TRUST OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE AND I THINK WE SHOULD CALL OURSELVES 588 00:38:19,430 --> 00:38:24,001 OUT, HOLD OURSELVES ACCOUNTABLE AS DEMOCRATS FOR THAT. 589 00:38:24,001 --> 00:38:28,005 Stephen: CONGRESSWOMAN, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HE 590 00:38:28,005 --> 00:38:29,006 HERE. HER NEW MEMOIR, "I SWEAR: 591 00:38:29,006 --> 00:38:32,276 POLITICS IS MESSIER THAN MY MINIVAN," IS OUT NW. 592 00:38:32,276 --> 00:38:33,110 REPRESENTATIVE KATIE PORTER, EVERYBODY! 593 00:38:33,110 --> 00:38:38,149 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 594 00:38:53,731 --> 00:38:55,566 Stephen: BEFORE WE GO, I JUST WANTED TO MARK 595 00:38:55,566 --> 00:38:59,603 THE PASSING OF ONE OF THE TRUE GIANTS OF MY CHILDHOOD 596 00:38:59,603 --> 00:39:00,938 AND PROBABLY YOURS, "MAD MAGAZINE" 597 00:39:00,938 --> 00:39:05,443 CARTOONIST AL JAFFEE, WHO DIED YESTERDAY AT THE AGE 598 00:39:05,443 --> 00:39:09,580 OF 1,012. A LOT OF US IN COMEDY GREW UP 599 00:39:09,580 --> 00:39:14,051 READING "MAD" AND AL'S WORK WAS ONE OF THE BIG REASONS WHY. 600 00:39:14,051 --> 00:39:16,353 HE CREATED SOME OF "MAD"'S BEST-LOVED BITS LIKE 601 00:39:16,353 --> 00:39:21,058 "SNAPPY ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS" AND THE MAD FOLD-IN. 602 00:39:21,058 --> 00:39:23,461 I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO MEET AL AND EVEN WROTE THE INTRO TO ONE 603 00:39:23,461 --> 00:39:25,930 OF HIS BOOKS. AND SOME OF THE THINGS 604 00:39:25,930 --> 00:39:29,800 I'M SAYING RIGHT NOW ARE FROM THAT INTRO BECAUSE I'M 605 00:39:29,800 --> 00:39:34,071 A LAZY PERSON, AND I THINK AL WOULD APPRECIATE THAT. 606 00:39:34,071 --> 00:39:36,474 I LEARNED A LOT FROM THOSE DRAWINGS, A LOT 607 00:39:36,474 --> 00:39:39,243 O DUMB, DUMB THINGS. THESE DAYS I MAKE A LIVING 608 00:39:39,243 --> 00:39:43,214 BEING PROFESSIONALLY RIDICULOUS, AND I PRIDE MYSELF ON THE 609 00:39:43,214 --> 00:39:45,149 ABILITY TO BE AN IDIOT ON A MOMENT'S NOTICE. 610 00:39:45,149 --> 00:39:46,984 AND I'M SURE I OWE SOME OF THAT TO AL. 611 00:39:46,984 --> 00:39:50,254 I CERTAINLY HAVE TO CREDIT HIM FOR WHATEVER ABILITY I HAVE TO 612 00:39:50,254 --> 00:39:53,924 GIVE SNAPPY ANSWERS AND ASK STUPID QUESTIONS. 613 00:39:53,924 --> 00:40:00,064 AL SENT ME A LOVELY NOTE AFTER I WROTE THE INTRO TO HIS BOOK, 614 00:40:00,064 --> 00:40:01,832 "THANK YOU, STEPHEN, FOR BEING SO NICE TO SOMEONE 615 00:40:01,832 --> 00:40:04,435 WHO DID EVERYTHING HE COULD DO TO CORRUPT YOUR CHILDHOOD." 616 00:40:04,435 --> 00:40:09,106 YOU SUCCEEDED, AL, AND I AM ETERNALLY GRATEFUL. 617 00:40:09,106 --> 00:40:13,177 GOOD NIGHT. [APPLAUSE]