THIS MORNING, BACKLASH BREWING AGAINST BUD LIGHT OVER
ITS PRODUCT PLACEMENT DEAL WITH TIKTOK STAR DYLAN MULVANEY,
A TRANSGENDER ACTRESS, CONNECTING HER TRANSGENDER
STATUS TO WHAT HAS HISTORICALLY BEEN A MALE-DOMINATED BRAND.
THE HASHTAG #GoWokeGoBroke HAS BEEN TRENDING ONLINE WITH SOME
CUSTOMERS TURNING AGAINST THE BEER, INCLUDING MUSICIAN
KID ROCK. [GUNFIRE]
[BLEEP] BUD LIGHT. ARE YOU TIRED OF WOKE BEER
THAT BLURS GENDER LINES? WANT TO DRINK THE BEER THAT YOU
WERE ASSIGNED AT BIRTH? THEN REACH FOR SHAFT BEER, THE
ONLY BREW THAT COMES IN A CAN SHAPED LIKE A PENIS SO YOU KNOW
JUST WHO IT'S FOR. POP ONE OPEN AND PUT IT IN YOUR
MOUTH. SHAFT HEARKENS BACK TO A GOLDEN
TIME WHEN MEN KNEW HOW TO DO MAN STUFF,
LIKE GRAB-ASSING IN THE SHOWER, SO TUG ON A SHAFT TODAY.
AND IF YOU WANT LESS BEER, TRY SHAFT LIGHT.
IT'S THE SAME BEER BUT IN A CAN THE SIZE OF KID ROCK'S PENIS.
♪ SHAFT BEER ♪ ♪ GRAB A SHAFT TODAY! ♪
Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW
WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." TONIGHT...
LUCK OF THE POTUS. RESCUE DOG RESCUE.
FIRST, STEPHEN WELCOMES JENNIFER GARNER
AND CONGRESSWOMAN KATIE PORTER. FEATURING LOUIS CATO
AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND. AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE
FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY,
IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪ Stephen: HAPPY TUESDAY,
HAPPY TUESDAY. HAPPY, HAPPY.
HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME ONE AND ALL IN HERE, OUT
THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
EVERYBODY IS IN A GREAT MOOD. BEAUTIFUL SPRING DAY HERE IN
NEW YORK. THE SUN WAS SHINING IN THE SKY,
THE FLOWERS WERE BLOOMING IN THE FIELDS, THE DISCARDED
FACE MASKS WERE BLOWING IN THE STREETS.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN SIGNED A HOUSE
BILL IMMEDIATELY ENDING THE COVID-19 NATIONAL EMERGENCY.
THE EMERGENCY IS OFFICIALLY OVER!
NOT SURE WHAT IT MEANS FOR OUR HEALTH.
THIS MEANS WE CAN FINALLY GET BACK TO SOME OF OUR FAVORITE
PREPANDEMIC LATE SHOW SEGMENTS, LIKE "SUBWAY BLIND TASTE TEST."
IS IT A BROOKLYN-BOUND F TRAIN RUNNING EXPRESS
ON THE D LINE? [DING, DING, DING]
YES! OH, MY GOD!
Stephen: THIS MORNING BIDEN WAS OFF TO THE EMERALD IRELAND.
THE TRIP IS PART DIPLOMACY AND PART HOMECOMING,
BECAUSE BIDEN'S ANCESTORS CAME TO THE U.S. FROM
IRELAND IN THE MID-1800s, WHEN BIDEN WAS JUST A TEEN.
AHEAD OF THE TRIP, CNN CAUGHT UP WITH SOME OF BIDEN'S IRISH
COUSINS TO ASK ABOUT THEIR FAMOUS RELATIVE.
GIRLS, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE RELATED TO A PRESIDENT?
IT'S VERY EXCITING BECAUSE HE'S PRESIDENT.
HAVE YOU MET HIM BEFORE?
YEAH, WE MET HIM TWICE. HE WAS JUST EATING OUR CHIPS
AND WHEN FANCY MEALS CAME OUT HE JUST WANTED THE CHIPS
AND CHICKEN NUGGETS. HE WAS STELING
YOUR CHICKEN NUGGETS? YEAH.
Stephen: "THANKS FOR THE NUGS, CUZ!
GOOD KIDS. LOVE THOSE CHIPS.
YOU GUYS GET THE SHAMROCK SHAKE ALL YEAR 'ROUND OVER
THERE? SEND ONE TO YOUR UNCLE JOEY,
WOULDYA? BACK STATESIDE WE ONLY GET 'EM
IN MARCH. MY FAVORITE FLAVOR, GREEN CHALK!
BIDEN FAMOUSLY INCORPORATES IRISH POETS INTO HIS SPEECHES
AND HAS BEEN CALLED "THE MOST IRISH" PRESIDENT
SINCE JFK, WHO BECAME THE FIRST SERVING
U.S. PRESIDENT TO VISIT IRELAND IN 1963.
AND LIKE BIDEN, THE CROWDS WENT NUTS WHEN JFK RECITED SOME
CLASSIC IRISH VERSE. THERE WAS AN OLD FELLA
FROM DUBLIN WHOSE FLATULENCE WAS RATHER TROUBLIN'.
HE SAID TO A LASS YOU CAN TELL I PASSED GAS
'CAUSE MY BATH WATER JUST STARTED BUBBLIN'.
[APPLAUSE] Stephen: SO, ANYWAY,
BIDEN'S OVER IN IRELAND ALL WEEK.
AND YOU KNOW, HE MIGHT JUST WANNA STAY.
BECAUSE STATESIDE, WE'RE LOOKING AT THE COMPLETE COLLAPSE
OF OUR JUDICIAL SYSTEM. ON FRIDAY, A FEDERAL JUDGE
IN TEXAS SUSPENDED THE FDA'S APPROVAL OF AN ABORTION PILL.
EVIDENTLY, THIS JUDGE THINKS HE KNOWS MORE ABOUT MEDICATION
THAN THE FDA. WHICH IS WHY HE'S THE STAR
OF THE NEW CBS DRAMA "DOCTOR JUDGE LEGAL PHARMACIST."
REFILL OVERRULED! THE MEDICATION IN QUESTION
IS A WIDELY-USED PILL CALLED MIFEPRISTONE, WHICH HAS BEEN
ON THE MARKET FOR MORE THAN 20 YEARS.
YOU CAN'T JUST RANDOMLY BAN THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN AROUND
FOR DECADES BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE THEM.
YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW THAT? MEL GIBSON.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] IT'S BEEN FOUR DAYS
SINCE THIS JUDGE ANNOUNCED THE BAN, AND AMERICA--
SHE DON'T LIKE IT. ACCORDING TO A NEW IPSOS POLL,
70% ARE OPPOSED TO IT, INCLUDING 82% OF DEMOCRATS AND 53%
OF REPUBLICANS. WAIT A SECOND.
DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS AGREE ON SOMETHING?
THAT FEELS WEIRD. LIKE ONE OF THOSE UNLIKELY
ANIMAL FRIENDSHIPS WHERE YOU SEE A DEER AND A LION.
IT'S KINDA NEAT. BUT IT FEELS UNNATURAL BECAUSE
ONE OF 'EM IS GONNA GET SNACKY. IT'S NOT JUST HUMAN PEOPLE WHO
ARE AGAINST THIS RULING, IT'S ALSO CORPORATION PEOPLE.
A LETTER CONDEMNING THE JUDGE'S DECISION WAS SIGNED BY MORE THAN
400 LEADERS OF THE PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY.
THAT'S RIGHT, BABY! AMERICA IS STANDING
SHOULDER TO SHOULDER WITH OUR HEROES AT...
BIG PHARMA? OKAY, THAT MAKES ME ANXIOUS.
I HOPE THEY HAVE A PILL FOR THAT.
AND THEY DO. IN THE LETTER, THE PHARMA-FELLAS
POINT OUT THAT MIFEPRISTONE HAS PROVEN TO BE SAFER THAN
TYLENOL, NEARLY ALL ANTIBIOTICS, AND INSULIN.
SO IT SEEMS LIKE THIS WASN'T MUCH ABOUT PROTECTING PUBLIC
HEALTH. WE INGEST WAY WORSE STUFF
THAN MEDICATION. HAVE YOU TRIED FRIED OREOS?
THEY ARE SCHEDULE 1 CONTROLLED DELICIOUS.
THE PHARMA BROS ARE UPSET ABOUT THE PRECEDENT THIS RULING SETS,
EXPLAINING, IF COURTS CAN OVERTURN DRUG APPROVALS
WITHOUT REGARD FOR SCIENCE OR EVIDENCE, ANY MEDICINE IS
AT RISK FOR THE SAME OUTCOME. AND IF THERE'S ONE THING BIG
PHARMA DOESN'T LIKE, IT'S YOU TAKING AWAY
THEIR ABILITY TO SELL YOU DRUGS. TRY IT, AND THEY WILL BRING
THE HURT. THEN THEY WILL PRESCRIBE OXY
FOR THE HURT. SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE:
THEM MAKING A LOT OF MONEY. THIS RULING HASN'T GONE INTO
EFFECT YET AND IS BEING APPEALED, BUT AS A PRECAUTION,
STATES LIKE MASSACHUSETTS AND CALIFORNIA HAVE BEGUN
STOCKPILING THE PILLS, AND WASHINGTON'S GOVERNOR
JAY INSLEE HAS BOUGHT A THREE-YEAR SUPPLY IN CASE OF
A BAN. YOU CAN FOLLOW HIS ADVENTURES
ON THE NEW CBS DRAMA "DOCTOR GOVERNOR
LEGAL PHARMACIST" NOW STREAMING ON PARAMOUNT+!
PARAMOUNT+! FINE!
HE'S ALSO A COP, OKAY? WITH ALL THE PROBLEMS THIS
COUNTRY'S FACING, THE G.O.P. IS LASER FOCUSED
ON WHAT MATTERS MOST: TOILET STUFF.
IN RECENT MONTHS, REPUBLICANS IN IOWA, ARKANSAS, ALABAMA,
OKLAHOMA, AND TENNESSEE HAVE ALL PASSED BILLS ADDRESSING
BATHROOM USE FOR TRANS PEOPLE. WHAT IS THE OBSESSION
WITH WHO'S IN THE BATHROOM? MY HOUSE ONLY HAS GENDER
NEUTRAL BATHROOMS. EVERYONE USES THEM,
AND THE ONLY COMPLAINT I'VE HEARD IS THAT
THE "ROLLING STONE" IN THE MAGAZINE RACK
IS FROM 2004. THE LATEST ANTI-TRANS BILL
IS DOWN IN FLORIDA, AND ONE OF ITS FIERCEST ADVOCATES IS
REPUBLICAN REPRESENTATIVE AND SCHOOL PRINCIPAL WHOSE
EDIBLE KICKED IN RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF PICTURE DAY,
WEBSTER BARNABY. YESTERDAY, BARNABY OFFERED
A CONFUSING METAPHOR FOR WHAT IT'S LIKE TO SHARE A WORLD
WITH TRANS PEOPLE. I'M LOOKING AT SOCIETY
TODAY. AND IT'S LIKE I'M WATCHING
AN X-MEN MOVIE. IT'S LIKE WE HAVE MUTANTS
LIVING AMONG US ON PLANET EARTH. AND, YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE
DON'T LIKE THAT, BUT THAT'S THE FACT.
WE HAVE PEOPLE THAT LIVE AMONG US TODAY ON PLANET EARTH
THAT ARE HAPPY TO DISPLAY THEMSELVES AS IF THEY WERE
MUTANTS FROM ANOTHER PLANET. THIS IS THE PLANET EARTH.
Stephen: THERE'S A LOT TO UNPACK THERE.
FIRST, THE X-MEN ARE FROM PLANET EARTH.
SECOND, IF YOU'RE AGAINST TRANS PEOPLE, WHY WOULD YOU
COMPARE THEM TO INCREDIBLY COOL SUPERHEROES WITH LASER EYES
INDESTRUCTIBLE SKELETONS OR WHO CONTROL THE WEATHER
WITH SEXINESS? MOST IMPORTANTLY, THE ENTIRE
MESSAGE OF THOSE MOVIES IS THAT SOCIETY SHOULD ACCEPT EVERYONE,
NO MATTER THEIR DIFFERENCES. STAN LEE SAID HE CREATED
THE X-MEN CHARACTERS AS A METAPHOR FOR CIVIL RIGHTS,
AND THE FRANCHISE IS EXPLICITLY A GAY RIGHTS PARABLE.
SO BARNABY IS PURPOSEFULLY MISREPRESENTING
THE X-MEN MOVIES. UNLESS, UNLESS HIS MUTANT POWER
IS BEING A DUMBASS! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
RIGHTWING NUTJOBS AREN'T JUST MAD ABOUT TRANS PEOPLE
USING BATHROOMS. THEY'RE ALSO MAD ABOUT
TRANS PEOPLE DRINKING BEER. BECAUSE SOME CONSERVATIVES ARE
BOYCOTTING BUD LIGHT OVER ITS PARTNERSHIP
WITH A TRANS ACTIVIST. COME ON, GUYS.
THE ONLY REASON ANYONE SHOULD BOYCOTT BUD LIGHT IS IF THERE'S
ANYTHING ELSE TO DRINK. LIKE BUD LIGHT LIME.
WHICH IS DELICIOUS. THE CHARGE WAS LED BY
CONSERVATIVE THOUGHT LEADER KID ROCK.
GRANDPA'S FEELING A LITTLE FRISKY TODAY.
LET ME SAY SOMETHING TO YOU ALL AND BE AS CLEAR AND
CONCISE AS POSSIBLE.
[GUNFIRE] Stephen: TEXAS CONGRESSMAN
DAN CRENSHAW ALSO TRIED TO GET IN ON THE DOME.
I SAW BUD LIGHT'S STUPID AD CAMPAIGN.
SO GUESS WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO? WE'RE GOING TO THROW OUT
EVERY SINGLE BUD LIGHT WE'VE GOT IN THE FRIDGE.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, I GUESS THAT WAS EASY.
Stephen: HA, HA! GOT 'EM!
NO BUD LIGHT! HOWEVER, INTERNET SMARTIES
DID POINT OUT THAT CRENSHAW HAS A LOT OF KARBACH,
WHICH IS OWNED BY ANHEUSER-BUSCH.
FOILED AGAIN BY CORPORATE HEGEMONY.
"I'M DONE WITH NESTLE! I'LL STICK TO KIT KATS.
THEY OWN THAT? FINE, I'LL JUST CHUG SOME
COFFEEMATE. SERIOUSLY, THAT TOO?
OKAY, ONE BOWL OF PURINA DOG FOOD, PLEASE.
NO WAY! FINE, THEN I'LL JUST DRINK
THIS BOTTLE OF GARNIER FRUCTIS MOISTURIZING SHAMPOO!
BBBBPP! WHAT?"
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE JENNIFER GARNER AND CONGRESSWOMAN KATIE PORTER.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, WE HAVE PUPPIES!
♪ ♪
Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND.
LOUIS CATO AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] LOUIS.
OH, MY FRIEND. TONIGHT WE'VE GOT TWO DELIGHTFUL
WOMEN ON THE SHOW. WE HAVE REPRESENTATIVE KATIE
PORTER. SHE ALWAYS BRINGS IT, ALWAYS
BRINGS IT HOT AND HEAVY. ALSO AN OLD FRIEND, ACTUALLY A
WOMAN WHO SOE PEOPLE KNOW THIS WAS OUR BABYSITTER BEFORE SHE
BECAME FAMOUS HERE IN MANHATTAN. THE LOVELY, THE TALENTED RAY OF
SUNSHINE AND A WONDERFUL PERSON, JENNIFER GARNER IS HERE.
JUST FANTASTIC. ALWAYS WONDERFUL WHEN SHE IS ON.
I'VE GOT A REALLY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE WEBBYS ARE, TOOK THIS OUT OF THE SHOCK
ABSORBER OF A FORD F-150 PAIR WE GOT NOMINATED FOR THREE THIS
YEAR. WE'VE GOT BEST COMEDY PODCAST
FOR THE LATE SHOW POGS SHOW. THUS, THE SOCIAL PLATFORM, THE
LATE SHOW SOCIALS AND BEST CELEBRITY SOCIAL WHICH IS MY
FEED, @STEPHENATHOME. YOU KNOW WHO'S UP AGAINST US AND
BEST CELEBRITY SOCIAL? JENNIFER GARNER.
WE ARE GOING TO DO GET OUT TONIGHT.
WE'RE GOING TO DUKE IT OUT TONIGHT AND YOU CAN HELP.
YOU CAN VOTE FOR THE LATE SHOW FOR ALL THREE WEBBYS ON THE LINK
IS ON OUR TWITTER PAGE OR YOU CAN SCAN THIS QR CODE, YOU CAN
SCAN THIS QR CODE RIGHT THERE AND PLEASE VOTE NOW, VOTING IS
OPEN UNTIL APRIL 20TH. GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF US.
BUT REALLY US. TODAY IS NATIONAL PET DAY AND I
LOVE DOGS. THEY ARE MAN'S BEST FRIEND.
BUT EVEN BETTER BECAUSE YOU NEVER HAVE TO PRETEND TO CARE
ABOUT THEIR VACATION PHOTOS. AND BECAUSE I LOVE DOGS,
I ALSO LOVE MY SEGMENT "RESCUE DOG RESCUE," WHERE WE
HELP FIND HOMES FOR REAL RESCUE PUPPIES.
I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT SO FAR WE HAVE A PERFECT RECORD OF
EVERY SINGLE DOG WE'VE FEATURED THIS RIGHT HERE, RESCUE DOG
RESCUE IS SO MUCH MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN MY OTHER SEGM
SEGMENT, "WHO WANTS THIS WASP NEST?"
ONLY HALF OF THEM HAVE BEEN ADOPTED.
AND I'M EXCITED TO ANNOUNCE IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER
"RESCUE DOG RESCUE," BROUGHT TO YOU TONIGHT BY SIMPARICA TRIO!
HEY, EVERYBODY. WELCOME TO RESCUE DOG RESCUE.
HERE'S HOW SHE WORKS: WE'RE ABOUT TO SHOW YOU
SOME ADORABLE PUPPIES THAT ARE ACTUALLY UP FOR ADOPTION THROUGH
NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA.
AND TO MAKE SURE THESE DOGS FIND A HOME, WE HAVE MADE UP
FLATTERING LIES ABOUT EACH OF THEM TO MAKE YOU WANT TO ADOPT
THEM EVEN MORE. WHAT ARE THE ODDS THIS IS GOING
TO HAPPEN? NOW, IFONLY SOME CELEBRITY
WERE WILLING TO HELP ME TELL THOSE LIES.
Jennifer: HI, STEPHEN! Stephen: OH, MY GOD!
WHAT? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I DIDN'T! WHAT EXACTLY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE? Jennifer: I'M ACTUALLY
CASTING AN ALL-DOG REMAKE OF MY SHOW OLD "ALIAS."
Stephen: REALLY? Jennifer: NO, I WAS JUST
PROVING THAT I CAN LIE ABOUT DOGS.
Stephen: OH, SHOOT. I WAS HOPING TO SEE A PUPPY
DO KARATE. ANYWAY, LET'S DO THIS!
FIRST UP, THIS HERE IS MAX. MAX HAS BEEN SPECIALLY BRED TO
PEE ONLY ON WEEKDAYS. ADOPT MAX AND YOU'RE SLEEPING IN
THIS SATURDAY! Jennifer: THIS IS MARINE.
MARINE IS AN AWARD-WINNING BAKER WHO MAKES AN INCREDIBLE
CHOCOLATE LAVA CAKE. EVEN BETTER, SINCE CHOCOLATE
IS POISON FOR DOGS, THAT CAKE IS ALL YOURS!
Stephen: THIS FELLA HERE IS BLAZE.
IS A THERAPY DOG. BY WHICH I MEAN HE IS
IN THERAPY AND REALLY DOING THE WORK.
WHO'S CONFRONTING UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTHS TO BECOME A BETTER
VERSION OF THEMSELVES? YOU ARE!
YES, YOU ARE! Jennifer: THIS IS BUZZ.
BUZZ CAN SOLVE A RUBIK'S CUBE IN JUST OVER AN HOUR.
WHICH MAY SEEM LIKE A LONG TIME, UNTIL YOU REALIZE
HE'S COLORBLIND AND DOESN'T HAVE THUMBS.
Stephen: THIS LITTLE FELLA'S NAME IS WHO.
AMONG CANINES, HE'S PROBABLY MOST FAMOUS FOR LETTING THE DOGS
OUT. Jennifer: WHO LET THE DOGS
OUT? Stephen: WHO.
Jennifer: WHO? Stephen: WHO.
Jennifer: WHO? UP NEXT IS A VERY
SPECIAL OLDER DOG. THIS IS JENNA BARK.
JENNA MAY LOOK MATURE BUT THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE SHE USED
MAGIC WISHING DUST TO GO FROM 13 TO 30 IN DOG YEARS.
ADOPT JENNA AND YOU'LL ALSO GET TO MEET HER LOVE INTEREST,
"BARK RUFF-ALO." [BOTH BARKING]
Stephen: THIS IS SHERLOCK BONES, THE WORLD'S
GREATEST DOG DETECTIVE. YOU MAY REMEMBER SHERLOCK FROM
SOLVING SUCH MYSTERIES AS "THE CASE OF THE MISSING CHEESE
THAT FELL ON THE GROUND." Jennifer: "THE SECRET OF
WHICH DOG PEED ON THIS TREE BEFORE ME."
Stephen: AND, OF COURSE, "WHAT DOES THAT CROTCH
SMELL LIKE?" WELL, THAT DOES IT FOR
"RESCUE DOG RESCUE"! ALL THESE DOGS ARE UP
FOR ADOPTION THROUGH NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE
AMERICA. HEAD TO THEIR SITE OR SCAN
THE QR CODE FOR MORE INFO. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH JENNIFER GARNER. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. WELCOME BACK.
MY FIRST GUEST IS AN ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM "ALIAS,"
"JUNO," AND "PEPPERMINT." SHE'S NOW AN EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
AND STAR OF THE NEW SERIES "THE LAST THING HE TOLD ME."
IS THAT AVA AGAIN? PRETTY INSISTENT EVEN FOR HIM.
MORNING, BAILEY. CAN WE GO?
I THINK WE SHOULD GET DRESSED FIRST.
BAGELS. 5 MINUTES FROM SCHOOL.
FIRST PERIOD DOESN'T START FOR 20.
HOW ABOUT WE START WITH GOOD MORNING.
I'LL WAIT OUT FRONT. RUNNING IN THE MORNING.
WAIT IT OUT. Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK
TO "THE LATE SHOW," JENNIFER GARNER.
♪ TO BE ON THE ROAD AGAIN ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Stephen: JENNIFER GARNER. Jennifer: THANK YOU SO MU
MUCH. [CHEERS AND APLAUSE]
Stephen: LOVELY TO SEE YOU. Jennifer: SO GOOD TO SEE
YOU. Stephen: SO NICE TO HAVE
YOU ON. YOU ARE A VISION TO BEHOLD AND
JUST A DELIGHT TO TALK TO. I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR HELPING
US GET THESE PUPPIES INTO A FOREVER HOME.
Jennifer: HOW ARE WE GOING TO SPLIT THEM UP?
Stephen: THE PUPPIES? I'LL TAKE THE FIRST SIX AND YOU
WILL TAKE THE SECOND SIX. I KNOW YOU'VE GOT ANIMALS AT
HOME. YOU
HAVE A BIG OPEN HEART.
I HAVE A COUPLE PICTURES HERE. CAN YOU TELL A TO THESE PEOPLE
ARE. WOULD WE HAVE HERE?
Jennifer: THAT IS BERTIE THE DOGGY.
BERTIE LIKES TO READ. WE READ KIDS BOOKS.
HE IS KIND OF A PICTURE BOOK KIND OF DOG.
Stephen: WHAT OTHER ANIMALS DO YOU HAVE?
Jennfer: HAVE A CAT NAMED MOOSE.
THERE IS A THEME, STEPHEN. Stephen: A DOG NAMED
BERTIE, A CAT NAMED MOOSE. DO YOU HAVE A BIRD NAMED SNAKE?
Jennifer: WE HAD A BEARDED DRAGON NAMED SQUID BUT THANK GOD
SOMEBODY WANTED TO HAVE THAT DRAGON MORE THAN WE DID.
Jennifer: IT SMELLED, THE CRICKETS GOT EVERYWHERE.
IT TURNS OUT I DON'T HAVE A HEART FOR REPTILES.
WARM-BLOODED. Stephen: THIS IS A CERTAIN
SLICE OF CHAOS. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
Jennifer: MOOSE HAD AN ACCIDENT.
I HAD TO WASH HIM. Stephen: THERE IS NOTHING
CATS LOVE MORE THAN BEING HELD DOWN AND GETTING WET.
Jennifer: IT HAD TO HAPPEN. IT WASN'T LIKE, HE WAS BEFOULED.
Stephen: WHAT IS GOING ON? Jennifer: HE WASN'T HAPPY
ABOUT IT. Stephen: DIDN'T USE HIS
INDOOR WORDS? Jennifer: DIDN'T USE HIS
INDOOR NICE VOICE BUT HE WAS A PRETTY GOOD SPORT.
I JUST HAD TO TAKE IT ON THE CHIN AND GO FOR IT.
Stephen: THIS IS FROM YOUR INSTAGRAM FEED, IS IT NOT?
YOU HAVE LIKE 14 MILLION PEOPLE ON YOUR INSTAGRAM FEED.
Jennifer: WE ARE ADVERSARIES IN THIS WAY.
Stephen: WE ARE. THEY TOOK AWAY MY WEBBY.
Jennifer: MANO A MANO. Stephen: IN THE WEBBY
AWARDS. Jennifer: I AM GOING TO
VOTE FOR YOU. Stephen: I'M GOING TO VOTE
FOR ME TOO. THAT IS SO SWEET.
I KNEW YOU BACK IN THE '90s, MID '90s.
JENNIFER COOLIDGE RECENTLY TOLD REPORTERS SHE ALWAYS WANTED TO
PLAY AT DOLPHIN. THE REASON I SAY I KNEW YOU BACK
IN THE '90s IS BECAUSE AFTER WE KNEW YOU AND YOUR BABYSITTER
BRIEFLY YOU WENT TO L.A. AND WE THOUGHT OH, POOR JEN, WE WILL
NEVER SEE HER AGAIN. YOU ALMOST AUTOMATICALLY BOOKED
THIS. Jennifer: THERE WAS--
Stephen: YOU POSTED THIS. Jennifer: I JUST RECENTLY
POSTED THIS. IT WAS A SHOW CALLED "THE RETURN
TO FANTASY ISLAND" AND I WENT AS A GUEST STAR JUST AS WE MET AS
GUEST STARS ON "SPIN CITY." I HAD AN ILLUSTRIOUS GUEST STAR
CAREER. I PLAYED A DOLPHIN WHO WAS ALSO
A GIRL WHO WAS ALSO A DOLPHIN. Stephen: JENNIFER COOLIDGE
WANTS TO PLAY DOLPHIN AND YOU POSTED THIS.
Jennifer: WHAT'S YOUR NAME? I'M MICHAEL.
WHAT'S YOURS? OH.
PEOPLE CAN'T PRONOUNCE IT IN ENGLISH.
JUST CALL ME SALLY. MICHAEL.
MICHAEL. YOUR A DOLPHIN!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Jennifer: THANK YOU,
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
I MEAN, I CAN HELP HER OUT. I COULD GIVE HER SOME TIPS.
Stephen: WHAT WAS SOME OF YOUR BACK STORY?
Jennifer: DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HAD TO DO, THEY NEEDED ME IN
THE NORTH SHORE OF HAWAII AND THEY PUT ME IN THIS HUGE
AQUARIUM WITH A HAMMERHEAD SHARK AND A TIGER SHARK.
Stephen: NO WAY. Jennifer: I SWEAR TO YOU.
THIS IS WHEN YOU ARE AN EXPENDABLE YOUNG ACTRESS.
I TOOK SCUBA THING AND SAT ON THE BOTTOM.
THEY WILL ROLL CAMERA. I SAT ON THE BOTTOM OF THE TANK
AND I WATCHED BECAUSE I HAD TO GO THROUGH A TUNNEL AND I DIDN'T
WANT TO MEET THE HAMMERHEAD IN THE TUNNEL AND THEY SAID "THEY
HAVE BEEN FED. YOU'RE FINE."
I SAT ON THE BOTTOM AND BREATHED THROUGH THIS THING AND WHEN THEY
HAVE OR HAD GOT TO WHERE I WAS OKAY I WOULD DO THE TAKING OF
THE TOP OF THE TECH I HAD TO TREAD WATER AT THE TOP OF THE
HAMMERHEAD SHARK. BUT I DID IT.
Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK BUT DON'T GO
ANYWHERE BECAUSE WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE JENNIFER
GARNER, EVERYBODY. STICK AROUND.
Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
[APPLAUSE] IT'S THE STAR OF "THE LAST THING
HE TOLD ME" ON APPLE TV+. IT'S JENNIFER GARNER, EVERYBODY.
NOW THAT YOU'VE GONE FROM BEING DOLPHIN TO BEING AN
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF THE NEW SHOW "THE LAST THING HE TOLD
ME." A MINI-SERIES BASED ON LAURA
DAVE'S 2021 BOOK. WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
Jennifer: 65 PLUS WEEKS ON THE BEST SELLER LIST, SUCH A
KILLER BOOK IF YOU HAVEN'T READ IT, PLEASE RUSH OUT AND GET IT
RIGHT NOW. IT'S ABOUT A WOMAN WHO IS
MARRIED TO THE LOVE OF HER LIFE. SHE MARRIED LATE IN LIFE.
HE DISAPPEARS AND SHE'S LEFT WITH HIS DAUGHTER, HER
STEPDAUGHTER WHO WAS A TEENAGER PLAYED BY BEAUTIFUL ANGOURIE
RICE. BUT WE BOTH LOVE THE SAME MAN,
AND WE HAVE TO WORK TOGETHER TO FIGURE OUT THIS THRILLER BUT AT
THE CENTER OF IT IT'S TWO WOMEN WHO LEARN TO LOVE EACH OTHER AND
BECOME A FAMILY. THAT WAS SO GOOD.
Stephen: THAT AND A DOLPHIN TOO.
Jennifer: ONE AFTER ANOTHER, I AM JUST KNOCKING THEM
DOWN. Stephen: YOU HAVE CHILDREN,
YOU HAVE TEENAGERS. WITHOUT ANY SPECIFICS, THE EYE
ROLLING DAUGHTER, HAVE IT HAD ANY TRAINING WITH THAT.
Jennifer: WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Stephen: WERE YOU AND I ROLLING DAUGHTER?
DID YOU GIVE YOUR MOM ANY GRIEF? Jennifer: I FEEL LIKE I
DIDN'T. I WOULD SAY NO BUT YOU CAN'T
AVOID IT. YOU HAVE TO AT SOME POINT.
Stephen: IT IS AUTONOMIC. YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT.
Stephen: I WAS A PERFECT CHILD.
THAT'S I WENT INTO COMEDY. "ALIAS" FRIENDS ARE THRILLED TO
SEE THAT YOU REUNITE WITH YOUR TV--
Jennifer: SPY DADDY. HERE YOU ARE FOR A TRIP DOWN
MEMORY LANE. THERE YOU ARE.
IS IT TRUE, I HEARD, MIGHT HAVE BEEN THE DIRECTOR WHO SAID YOU
CAN'T STAY IN CHARACTER WHEN HE'S THERE.
YOU JUST SMILE THE WHOLE TIME. Jennifer: OUR SHOWRUNNER,
JOSH SINGER, CAME ON ITS HEAD AD SAID STOP SMILING AT VICTOR.
YOU'VE NEVER BROKEN CHARACTER LIKE THIS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I CAN'T HELP IT.
I JUST LOVE HIM SO MUCH. Stephen: YOU HAVE A
BIRTHDAY NEXT WEEK. Jennifer: I DO!
Stephen: YES. I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE A LOVELY
TRADITION THAT YOU DO ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.
Jennifer: I TRY TO DO SOMETHING TO START THE YEAR OFF
ON THE RIGHT FOOT AND THIS YEAR WE'RE GOING TO PLANT TREES.
Stephen: THIS IS WHAT I HEARD.
BEFORE YOU GO, I WANT TO ISSUE A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
WE HAVE GOTTEN YOU A TREE TO PLANT.
IT IS AN OLIVE TREE. THERE YOU GO.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY. AND AS WE ARE COMPETITORS NOW ON
THE WEBBYS, IT IS AN OLIVE BRANCH.
Jennifer: FAIR ENOUGH. THANK YOU.
Stephen: LOVELY TO SEE YOU. "THE LAST THING HE TOLD ME"
STARTS FRIDAY ON APPLE TV+.
JENNIFER GARNER, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH CONGRESSWOMAN KATIE PORTER.
♪ ♪
Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW.
FOLKS. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
YOU KNOW MY NEXT GUEST AND HER WHITE BOARD
FROM ASKING THE TOUGH QUESTIONS AT CONGRESSIONAL HEARINGS.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW,"
CONGRESSWOMAN KATIE PORTER. ♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
I HAVE INTERVIEWED YOU BEFORE BUT NEVER IN PERSON.
OVER THE ZOOM. YESTERDAY WE WERE TALKING ABOUT
JUSTICE CLARENCE THOMAS AND THE LATEST REVELATIONS ABOUT HIS
ENJOYMENT OF THE HALF-MILLION DOLLAR TRIPS TO THE SOUTH SEAS
AND THE YACHT LIFE. AS ONE WHO TALKS ABOUT ELITISM
IN OUR GOVERNMENT, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT HIS
PENCHANT FOR FINE CIGARS AND MOUNTAIN RETREATS?
Congresswoman Porter: I THINK THE HYPOCRISY IS RICH.
HE TALKS ABOUT ENJOYING THE RV LIFESTYLE AND I WOULD PRESUME
THAT HE DRIVES HIS RV TO THE PRIVATE AIRPORT WHERE HE GETS ON
THE PRIVATE JET TO GO TO THE PRIVATE ISLAND.
I THAT IT'S EVEN A PRIVATE RV. Stephen: WHAT IS THE
PRIVATE JET BUT THE RV OF THE SKIES?
Congresswoman Porter: IT IS.
HE IS LIVING THAT LIFESTYLE AND MEANWHILE I'M IN A MINIVAN.
Stephen: YES, WE'LL GET TO THAT JUST A MOMENT.
THE NAME OF YOUR BOOK IS CALLED "I SWEAR: POLITICS IS MESSIER
THAN MY MINIVAN." [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YOU HAVE SERVED IN THE HOUSE SINCE 2019 AND NOW YOU'VE
ANNOUNCE THAT YOU'RE RUNNING FOR THE SENATE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE A
SENATOR INSTEAD OF A CONGRESSPERSON?
YOU DON'T GET TO RAISE MONEY CONSTANTLY AND YOU DON'T GET TO
RUN FOR OFFICE EVERY TWO YEARS. Congresswoman Porter: I
THINK RUNNING FOR OFFICE IS THE MOST FUN PART OF THE JOB THAT
WAS A SURPRISE TO ME. I WENT TO WASHINGTON, I WANTED
TO BE A POLICY NERD AND I THOUGHT I WOULD LOVE WASHINGTON
AND I SAY IN THE BOOK OF THIS IS TRUE, WASHINGTON, D.C., IS WHERE
TIME GOES TO GET WASTED. THE REALLY VALUABLE WORK I DO IS
THE CAMPAIGNING, LISTENING TO PEOPLE, KNOCKING ON DOORS,
TOWN HALLS, ALL THAT STUFF, KICKISSING BABIES AND PUPPIES AD
THAT'S PURE JOY IN WASHINGTON, D.C., IS THE PRICE
YOU PAY FOR THE FUN OF CAMPAIGNING.
THE OTHERS SAY ABOUT WHY RUNNING FOR THE SENATE, IN THE SENATE DO
YOU TO SERVE HIM TWICE AS MANY COMMITTEES.
YOU GET TWICE AS MANY COMMITTEES AND THAT'S DOUBLE ROASTED
COFFEE. DOUBLE ROASTED WHITE BOARDS.
THINK ABOUT THE FORCE MULTIPLIER.
Stephen: DO YOU EVER FEEL INSULTED THAT NO ONE IS TRYING
TO BRIBE YOU? Congresswoman Porter: YES,
YES. THINK HOW FUN IT WOULD BE TO
TELL THEM OFF. BUT THAT NEVER HAPPENS TO ME.
WHEN I FIRST GOT TO WASHINGTON I HAD SOMEBODY, LOBBYIST SAID OH,
YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE. Stephen: WHAT DID THAT
MEAN? COULD YOU I DON'T KNOW.
I THOUGHT ATTRACTIVE, SINGLE WOMAN.
HE SAID NO, NO, SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T TAKE CORPORATE MONEY AND
I DON'T TAKE LOBBYIST MONEY EITHER.
HE SAID DON'T WORRY, WE'LL BREAK YOU.
AND HE HAS NOT. HE HAS NOT.
BUT THAT WAS A POWERFUL LESSON. Stephen: YOUR KNOWLEDGE OF
CEOs COMES BEFORE YOU WERE IN CONGRESS, YOU WORKED IN BANKING
REGULATION. LET'S TALK ABOUT SILICON VALLEY
BANK. DO YOU SEE THAT AS A FAILURE OF
REGULATION? A, WHAT SHOULD THE GOVERNMENT BE
DOING? AND DO PEOPLE SEE THAT COMING?
Congresswoman Porter: I THINK IT IS A FAILURE OF
REGULATION IN THE SENSE WE MIGHT'VE BEEN ABLE TO PREVENT IT
WITH BETTER REGULATION BUT PART OF THE GOAL WITH REGULATION OF
BANK FAILURES IS TO HAVE THEM FAIL AS LEAST BADLY AS POSSIBLE.
IT'S LIKE A STUDENT. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A D- IN
AN F IN WHAT WE WERE TRYING TO DO WITH BANKING REGULATIONS IS
WHEN BANKS GET INTO TROUBLE TO TRY TO MAKE SURE THEY FAIL IN A
WAY THAT DOES THE LEAST DAMAGE. WE PUT SOME GOOD REGULATIONS AND
PLACE AFTER DODD-FRANK AND THE FINANCIAL CRISIS.
DECIDE TO ROLL THOSE BACK AND THAT WAS THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE,
TRUMP CONGRESS. TO BE CLEAR ABOUT 45 DEMOCRATS
JOINED IN DEREGULATING BANKS THE EXACT SIZE OF SILICON VALLEY
BANK. Stephen: MARTY FRANK
MIGHT'VE BEEN ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.
DOES THAT SURPRISE YOU? Congresswoman Porter:
PEOPLE GET TALKED INTO THINGS BY LOBBYISTS.
THEY GET TOLD WE DON'T REALLY NEED THIS REGULATION.
LET ME BE CLEAR, THE WHOLE POINT OF BANKING REGULATION AS YOU
HOPE YOU DON'T NEED IT. I WILL TELL YOU THIS, WHEN IT'S
YOUR MONEY IN THE BANK, ANY MONEY, ANY BANK WHERE I HAVE MY
MONEY IS A BANK THAT IS TOO BIG TO FAIL AND I THINK MOST
AMERICANS WOULD FEEL THE SAME WAY.
Stephen: LET'S GET BACK TO THE BOOK."I SWEAR: POLITICS IS R
THAN MY MINIVAN." IT DETAILS YOUR LIFE IN CONGRESS
AS A SINGLE MOM. YOU SAY IT'S A BIT
CONTROVERSIAL. WHAT'S CONTROVERSIAL?
Congresswoman Porter: THERE IS THIS EFFORT AND POLITICS TO
TRY TO PRETEND THAT CONGRESS IS GLAMOROUS AND WE ARE POWERFUL
AND IT'S ALL THIS REALLY WONDERFUL, AMAZING THINGS IN THE
TRUTH IS IT IS LIKE YOU'RE HOT. YOU'RE LATE.
YOU'RE SWEATY. DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
YOU'RE FLYING BACK AND FORTH AND I THINK WE SHOULD BE MORE HONEST
WITH THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. CONGRESS IS A MESS AND THAT'S
BECAUSE DEMOCRACIES KIND OF SUPPOSED TO BE MESSY.
THAT'S OKAY BUT WHAT'S NOT OKAY IS LYING TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
ABOUT IT AND PRETENDING THAT IT'S ALL EASY AND CUT AND DRY
BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS, IT'S HARD. IT'S HARD TO GO TO WORK EVERY
DAY WITH MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE AS A COLLEAGUE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I MEAN, MOST PEOPLE WOULD JUST
FIND A DIFFERENT CUBICLE, DIFFERENT JOB.
IT IS HARD TO COMMUTE 3,000 MILES TO YOUR JOB.
IT'S HARD TO WORK IN AN INDUSTRY--
BEFORE I WAS A POLITICIAN, I WAS A PROFESSOR AND I ACTUALLY USED
TO BE RESPECTED AND MY JOB. ONE OF THE THINGS THE BOOK TRIES
TO GRAPPLE WITH IS THE LONG-STANDING--
CONGRESS HAS ABOUT THE SAME POPULARITY AS THE AMERICAN
COCKROACH. I THINK WE SHOULD THINK ABOUT,
WHY IS THAT? WHY DON'T PEOPLE LIKE US?
WHY DO PEOPLE TRUST US? WE ARE NOT STRAIGHT WITH THEM
ABOUT WHAT IT'S REALLY LIKE, WHAT THE CHALLENGES ARE AND
ABOUT WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT IT. Stephen: A COUPLE PEOPLE
THAT YOU ARE RUNNING UP AGAINST I HAVE ALSO INTERVIEWED.
ADAM SCHIFF, BARBARA LEE. DO YOU WANT TO SMACK THEM AROUND
RIGHT NOW? Congresswoman Porter:
ABSOLUTELY NOT. THE SENATE RACE HAS A POTENTIAL
TO BE REALLY GOOD FOR CALIFORNIA AND THE COUNTRY.
IF WE DO THIS RIGHT, BARBARA AND ADAM AND I WILL HELP TURN OUT
VOTERS ALL AROUND THE COUNTRY AND HELP ENERGIZE PEOPLE TO
UNDERSTAND WHY IT'S SO IMPORTANT THEY VOTE.
THERE IS NO PATH TO A DURABLE MAJORITY FOR CONGRESS THAT DOES
NOT RUN THROUGH CALIFORNIA. I AM GOING TO RUN THE SENATE
RACE IN A WAY THAT NOT ONLY SENDS ME TO THE SENATE BUT SENDS
DEMOCRATS INTO THE MAJORITY FOR YEARS TO COME.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Stephen: THAT WOULD BE
CERTAINLY INTERESTING. THAT WOULD BE AN INTERESTING
CHANGE OF PACE. I KNOW THAT THE REPUBLICAN PARTY
HAS MANY FAILINGS, BUT ALL PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE.
WE ARE ALL JUST HUMANS. WHERE DOES THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY
FALL DOWN ON THE JOB? Congresswoman Porter: FOR
ME THE FACT WE DIDN'T PASS A CONGRESSIONAL BAN ON STOCK
TRADING WHEN DEMOCRATS WERE IN POWER TELLS YOU SOMETHING ABOUT
JUST WHO HAS AN INVESTMENT PORTFOLIO AND WHO IS TRAINING
STOCK. DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS WHO
DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP THAT BIT OF POWER TO EARN THE RESPECT AND
TRUST OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE AND I THINK WE SHOULD CALL OURSELVES
OUT, HOLD OURSELVES ACCOUNTABLE AS DEMOCRATS FOR THAT.
Stephen: CONGRESSWOMAN, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HE
HERE. HER NEW MEMOIR, "I SWEAR:
POLITICS IS MESSIER THAN MY MINIVAN," IS OUT NW.
REPRESENTATIVE KATIE PORTER, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
Stephen: BEFORE WE GO, I JUST WANTED TO MARK
THE PASSING OF ONE OF THE TRUE GIANTS OF MY CHILDHOOD
AND PROBABLY YOURS, "MAD MAGAZINE"
CARTOONIST AL JAFFEE, WHO DIED YESTERDAY AT THE AGE
OF 1,012. A LOT OF US IN COMEDY GREW UP
READING "MAD" AND AL'S WORK WAS ONE OF THE BIG REASONS WHY.
HE CREATED SOME OF "MAD"'S BEST-LOVED BITS LIKE
"SNAPPY ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS" AND THE MAD FOLD-IN.
I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO MEET AL AND EVEN WROTE THE INTRO TO ONE
OF HIS BOOKS. AND SOME OF THE THINGS
I'M SAYING RIGHT NOW ARE FROM THAT INTRO BECAUSE I'M
A LAZY PERSON, AND I THINK AL WOULD APPRECIATE THAT.
I LEARNED A LOT FROM THOSE DRAWINGS, A LOT
O DUMB, DUMB THINGS. THESE DAYS I MAKE A LIVING
BEING PROFESSIONALLY RIDICULOUS, AND I PRIDE MYSELF ON THE
ABILITY TO BE AN IDIOT ON A MOMENT'S NOTICE.
AND I'M SURE I OWE SOME OF THAT TO AL.
I CERTAINLY HAVE TO CREDIT HIM FOR WHATEVER ABILITY I HAVE TO
GIVE SNAPPY ANSWERS AND ASK STUPID QUESTIONS.
AL SENT ME A LOVELY NOTE AFTER I WROTE THE INTRO TO HIS BOOK,
"THANK YOU, STEPHEN, FOR BEING SO NICE TO SOMEONE
WHO DID EVERYTHING HE COULD DO TO CORRUPT YOUR CHILDHOOD."
YOU SUCCEEDED, AL, AND I AM ETERNALLY GRATEFUL.
GOOD NIGHT. [APPLAUSE]