THE EFFUSIVE, TRULY EFFUSIVE PRAISE FOR AUTHORITARIAN LEADERS
FROM FORMER PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP DURING AN
INTERVIEW LAST NIGHT ON FOX NEWS.
HERE'S WHAT HE SAID. PRESIDENT XI IS A BRILLIANT
MAN. IF YOU WENT ALL OVER HOLLYWOOD
TO LOOK FOR SOMEBODY TO PLAY THE ROLE OF PRESIDENT XI, YOU,
COULDN'T FIND-- THERE'S NOBODY LIKE THAT.
THE LOOK, THE BRAIN, THE WHOLE THING.
WE HAD A GREAT RELATIONSHIP. ♪ ♪
♪ MUSCLES ON THAT MAN ♪ ♪ LIKE A MAJOR LEAGUER ♪
♪ GUESS I'LL LOOK THE OTHER WAY ♪
♪ ON HOW HE'S TREATING UYGHURS ♪ ♪ THIRSTY FOR SOME JINPING ♪
♪ XI'S GOT THE LOOK ♪ THE LOOK, THE BRAIN, THE
WHOLE THING. ♪ HUMAN RIGHTS ABUSER ♪
♪ AUTOCRATIC ZADDY ♪ ♪ GOT FOMO WHEN I SAW HIM ♪
♪ FLAPJACKIN' WITH VLADDY ♪ ♪ PUTS THE "BAE" IN BEIJING ♪
♪ XI'S GOT THE LOOK ♪ THERE'S A GREAT CHEMISTRY.
♪ XI'S GOT THE LOOK ♪ ♪ (XI'S GOT THE LOOK) ♪
♪ TOTALITARIANS TOTALLY MAKE ME SWOON ♪
WE GET ALONG SO WELL. ♪ THE MAN KNOWS JUST HOW TO
INFLATE ♪ ♪ MY SPY BALLOON ♪
I LIKE IT. ♪ STRAIGHT OUT OF
CHINA-NA-NA-NA ♪ XI'S GOT THE LOOK.
Announcer: IT "THE LATE SHOW WITH
STEPHEN COLBERT"! PLUS STEPHEN WELCOME STEPHEN
YEUN AND JOAN BAEZ! FEATURING L LUIS KATO AND THE LE
SHOW BAND! NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM
NEW YORK CITY, IT IS STEPHEN COLBERT!
♪ ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Stephen:
HELLO! GREAT TO SEE YOU!
HAPPY WEDNESDAY! HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY!
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, IN HERE, OUT THERE, EVERYONE WATCHING
FROM LOW OVER IT TO "THE LATE SHOW," I'M YOUR HOST,
STEPHEN COLBERT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT IS ONLY
APRIL 12TH 2023, THE 2024 ELECTION IS STILL 573 DAYS AWAY.
SO LET'S GET INTO IT. TODAY, SO JUST TODAY, LAST NIGHT
WE LEARNED THAT CHICAGO WILL HOST THE HOST THE 2024
DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION! COME ON, BABY!
DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW? THIS IS GREAT NEWS BECAUSE
CHICAGO IS MY TOWN, BABY! I LOVE THE PEOPLE, THE LAKE, THE
PIZZA, LOOKS LIKE AN ABOVEGROUND POOL!
I LOVE ANY PLACE WHERE IT'S OKAY TO PUBLICLY UTTER THE PHRASE I
WANT MY BEEF WET. I WANT MY BEEF WET ACTUALLY.
OF COURSE, THIS WILL NOT BE THE WINDY CITY'S FIRST DEMOCRATIC
CONVENTION. CHICAGO IS FAMOUSLY WHERE THE
DNC DEVOLVED INTO THE MOST DISTURBING SCENES OF POLITICAL
CHAOS IN HISTORY. OF COURSE, I'M TALKING ABOUT THE
1996 DNC BRUTAL MACARENA. ♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WASH
MARK THEY ALSO TRY THAT AT THE C
BUT THE DELEGATES WERE IMMEDIATELY DEPORTED.
SPEAKING-- I KNOW, SAD, IT'S VERY SAD.
AND SPEAKING OF CHICAGO, IRELAND WHERE PRESIDENT BIDEN IS ON A
DIPLOMATIC VISIT AND AS SOON AS HE LANDED IN DUBLIN, BIDEN
SHOWED OFF HIS GIFT OF GAB SHOWING OFF TO FIREFIGHTERS WITH
THIS STORY. SAVED MY LIFE, SAVE MY WIFE.
MY CAT. AND MY CORVETTE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Stephen: I'LL TELL YO, LET
ME TELL YOU, YOU GUYS ARE THE GREATEST, YOU FOLKS SAVED
EVERYTHING THAT MATTERS, LIFE, WIFE, CORVETTE.
LITTLE MR. FEBRUARY SAYS NOW COME ON THE OF ROOM, ROOM, GREAT
TO SEE YO, GOT TO GO MEET THE KING OF THE LEPRECHAUNS AND GO
STEAL HIS LUCKY CHARMS. BE RIGHT BACK.
I WAS GONE FOR AMENDMENT. WAS JOE BIDEN JUST HERE?
WELL, IS THERE TO MARK THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE
GOOD FRIDAY AGREEMENT AND IN MANY WAYS A PERSONL TRIP TO A
PLACE HE LOVES AND IT TURNS OUT A FORMER PRESIDENT IS ALSO IN
HIS HAPPY PLACE. APPARENTLY ON FOX NEWS LAST
NIGHT, THE FORMER SAT DOWN WITH TUCKER CARLSON WHO THINKS TWO
REVELATIONS FROM THE DOMINION LAWSUIT WE NOW KNOW HATES THE
PRESIDENT PASSIONATELY. PRIVATELY TEXTING THAT HE IS A
DEMONIC FORCE. HARSH.
ACCURATE WORDS. BUT LET'S SEE HOW TUCKER
REFERRED TO THE DEMON LAST NIGHT.
FOR A MAN WHO'S CARICATURED AS AN EXTREMIST, YOU THINK WHAT
HE'LL FIND HE HAS TO SAY MODERATE, SENSIBLE, AND WISE.
Stephen: THAT. THAT IS AN IMPRESSIVE FLIP-FLOP.
MANY CARICATURE CTHULHU AS A PREVIEW LOCALITY AND MONSTROSITY
EMERGE FROM
THE BRINY DEEP TO DEVOUR MAN'S MIND BUT YOU WILL FIND HIS FACEE
MODERATE AND A CHANCE TO BRING AMERICA TOGETHER WITH HIS
MAW OF MADNESS. THE EX-PRESIDENT RAMBLED ABOUT A
LOT OF SUBJECTS LIKE THE WITHDRAWAL FROM AFGHANISTAN.
HE ATTACKED BIDEN'S DECISION-MAKING AND UNVEILED A
BRAND-NEW MILITARY ADVISOR. I DID A LITTLE SKIT WITH A
5-YEAR-OLD AND I SAID LET ME ASK YOU, HERE'S THE SITUATION AND
EXPLAIN THE SITUATION. WHEN YOU TAKE THE MILITARY OUT
FIRST OR WOULD YOU TAKE IT OUT LAST?
I TOOK IT OUT LAST. 5-YEAR-OLD.
Stephen: TOTALLY-- [LAUGHTER]
TOTALLY NORMAL CONVERSATION TO HAVE WITH A 5-YEAR-OLD.
WE ALL HAD THOSE CONVERSATIONS. REMINDS ME OF THE FAMOUS
DR. SEUSS BOOK " ONE FISH, TWO FISH, REDFISH, WHY DIDN'T
JOHNSON SEE THE TET OFFENSIVE COMING?"
HE HARPED ON THE DANGERS OF NUCLEAR PROLIFERATION.
AND SPEAK OF THE BIGGEST PROBLEM WE HAVE IN THE WHOLE WORLD
IT'S NUCLEAR ONE.
THEY NOW CONTROL OUR ARSENAL. THEY DON'T SEEM WORRIED ABOUT
THIS. THAT'S BECAUSE THEY DON'T
UNDERSTAND LIFE, THEY DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHATEVER IT IS THAT
YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND. [LAUGHTER]
Stephen: THAT IS A BROAD-- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
OH. THAT'S A FAIRLY ALL-ENCOMPASSING
PHILOSOPHY. THOSE ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE
WORDS RENE DESCARTES, I THINK, THEREFORE I UNDERSTAND WHATEVER
IT IS I HAVE TO THINK. THERE IS NEWS ABOUT AMERICA'S
FAVORITE TOPICS, GUNS. IT TURNS OUT A POPULAR HANDGUN,
P320 PISTOL FIRES WITHOUT ANYONE PULLING THE TRIGGER.
FINALLY, HANDS-FREE FIREARMS. IT SET MY ALARM TO GO OFF AT
6:00 A.M. AND SET MY GUN TO SHOOT MY ALARM.
SHE'S ON IT. UNLIKE A LOT OF OTHER HANDGUNS
ON THE MARKET, IT HAS NO EXTERNAL SAFETIES TO PREVENT IT
FROM FIRING IN CASES OF MALFUNCTION, IN OTHER WORDS IT'S
BASICALLY COCKED AT ALL TIMES. ALSO THE NAME OF A POPULAR
PORNHUB CHANNEL. NO, DON'T ENCOURAGE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] NO!
SIRI, ERASE SEARCH HISTORY. I'M SORRY TOO.
IT TURNS OUT A GUN THAT'S ALWAYS READY TO FIRE IS A BAD IDEA, BUT
INSISTING THAT GUNS ARE NOT A PROBLEM.
THE RESPONSE TO PUBLIC QUESTIONS, THEY OFFERED A FEW
DEFENSES INCLUDING UNINTENTIONAL DISCHARGES ARE NOT UNCOMMON AND
THEY INCUR WITH SEVERAL TYPES OF FIREARMS BESIDES THE P320.
THAT'S NOT A GREAT DEFENSE. LOOK, I KNOW OUR GAS STATION
HOT DOGS BECAUSE VIOLENT INTESTINAL DISTRESS, BUT TO BE
FAIR, MOST GAS STATION HOT DOGS CAUSE VIOLENT INTESTINAL
DISTRESS. IF YOU WANT MINE, YELPED UP PRY
IT FROM MY COLD, DEAD-- OH, GOT TO GO, GOT TO GO, GOT TO GO.
[CHEERING AND LAUGHTER] JOE BIDEN JUST HERE?
WAS JOE BIDEN JUST HERE? SO, THERE SOME DEFECTIVE GUNS
OUT THERE. ALL THE GOVERNMENT HAS TO DO IS
RECALL THEM, RIGHT? HA HA, NO.
IT TURNS OUT FIREARMS ARE THEY WON FEW PRODUCTS EXEMPT FROM
FEDERAL CONSUMER PRODUCTS A FEW REGULATIONS.
BY DOING THAT, THEY ARE ADMITTING THAT BY THE EXISTENCE
OF A GUN, WE ARE THROWING OUR HANDS IN THE WHOLE SAFETY THINGS
AND THOUSANDS OF OTHER PRODUCTS HAVE BEEN RECALLED FOR LESSER
REASONS THAN SPONTANEOUS SHOOTING PEOPLE.
IN 2013, A TOY CHICKEN WAS RECALLED FOR BEING TOO LOUD.
IN 1998, PENCILS WITH THE SLOGAN "TOO COOL TO DO DRUGS" BECAUSE
WHEN SHARPENED, THE MESSAGE BECAME COOL TO DO DRUGS AND
SIMPLY DO DRUGS. [CHEERING AND LAUGHTER]
THAT'S WRONG, THAT'S WRONG. NO, NO.
TO BE FAIR, IF YOU DO A WHOLE PENCILS WORTH OF MATH PROBLEMS,
YOU EARN IT. SPEAKING OF GUNS, WE HAVE AN
UPDATE FROM TENNESSEE. YOU RECALL LAST THURSDAY THEY
EXPELLED TWO DEMOCRATS, JUSTIN JONES AND JUSTIN JAYNE PIERSON
FOR IT USING A MEGAPHONE ON THE HOUSE FLOOR IN SUPPORT OF AN
ANTI-GUN PROTEST THEATER MONDAY EVENING, THE METROPOLITAN
NATIONAL COUNCIL UNANIMOUSLY VOTED TO APPOINT JONES BACK TO
HIS SEAT. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YEAH, BABY! WHICH IS PRETTY GREAT.
THAT IS PRETTY NICE, ESPECIALLY NOW BECAUSE HE'S TECHNICALLY A
NEW MEMBER, JONES CAN FILE UP TO 15 BILLS AND HE HAS SAID THAT
EACH OF THOSE BILLS HAVE TO DO WITH GUN REFORM.
YES. EXCEPT FOR HIS FIRST ONE.
A FEW HOURS AGO, THE OTHER SURPRISE MEMBER OF THE TENNESSEE
LEGISLATURE JUSTIN JAYNE PIERSON WAS ALSO REINSTATED.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THAT'S PRETTY NICE.
THAT BREAKING HEADLINE AGAIN, JUSTIN, JUST IN.
WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF JUSTIN JAYNE PIERSON AFTER HE WAS VOTED BACK
IN BY THE COUNTY OF BOARD OF COMMISSIONERS.
GET BACK TO WORK! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Stephen: NOW I'M NO BODY LANGUAGE EXPERT, BUT I THINK YOU
MIGHT HAVE BEEN A LITTLE EXCITED THERE.
SO GOOD WORK, TENNESSEE REPUBLICANS, YOU DID IN SILENCE
THESE GUYS. THEY'RE STILL IN LEGISLATURE,
YOU MADE THEM HEROES OF A MOVEMENT AND A NATIONAL
POLITICAL FIGURES. I'M SURPRISED YOU'RE NOT IN
FAVOR OF GUN REFORM, BECAUSE YOU JUST SHOT YOURSELF IN THE NUTS.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
MY GUESTS, OSCAR NOMINATED ACTOR STEVEN YEUN AND JOAN BAEZ!
AND WHEN WE COME BACK! ♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪ Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK AND GIVE IT UP FOR THE "THE LATE SHOW" BAND!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ ♪
IT'S TIME FOR A QUICK UPDATE ON THIS LINE OF POTATO MERCHANDISE,
ALL PROCEEDS GO TO WORLD'S CENTRAL KITCHEN WHERE FEEDING
THE DISPLACED PEOPLE OF UKRAINE. THANKS TO YOU WONDERFUL PEOPLE,
WE HAVE RAISED $366,000 FOR THE PEOPLE OF UKRAINE IN THEIR TIME
OF CRISIS! I JUST WANT TO TAKE A SECOND
HERE, TAKE A MOMENT TO SINGLE OUT ONE VIEWER WHO DIDN'T EVEN
BUY AND EMERGE AND THAT IS TONY HORTON, THE FOUNDER OF P90 X
SCENE HERE UPSETTING ME BY BEING SIX YEARS OLDER THAN I AM AND
LOOKING LIKE THAT. TONY SAW OUR CAMPAIGN AND
DONATED $100,000 TOWARDS CENTRAL KITCHEN.
ON BEHALF-- ON BEHALF OF THE IS POTATO FUN.
SO JIMMY, ADD TO THE TOTAL! $466,000!
THANK YOU, JIMMY! THANK YOU, JIMMY, THERE'S NO WAY
I COULD HAVE DONE THAT MATH MYSELF.
AND THANK YOU, TONY, I'M NOT SURE WE'VE EVER MET.
TONY HAS NO CONNECTIONS TO THE SHOW AND HE DIDN'T ASK FOR ANY
ACKNOWLEDGMENT, HE JUST DID IT AND SO GENEROUS THEY MADE ME
WANT TO BECOME A CLIENT OF P90 X AND I FOUND OUT IT IS EXERCISE
SO INSTEAD I'M GOING TO SEND YOU THIS $100,000 T-SHIRT RIGHT HE
HERE! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND, WHAT AM I SAYING?
TONY HORTON WOULD NEVER WEAR THIS!
[LAUGHTER] YOU GOT TO WORK!
[CHEERING AND LAUGHTER] YOU GOT TO WORK ON IT ANYWAYS!
I'M EXHAUSTED! THERE YOU GO, TONY, WHERE IT
WITH PRIDE! THIS PICTURE OF A POTATO IS THE
CLOSEST YOU'VE BEEN TO A CARBON IN 30 YEARS.
HELP FEED THE PEOPLE OF UKRAINE, SCAN THE QR CODE RIGHT THERE.
FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME OVER THERE IN THE NEWS
WORKSHOP TEMPERING AND HEN SHAPING THE STORY BRASS INTO A
TOPIC ACOUSTICAL BODY TO PRODUCE THE EXQUISITELY WARM TIMBERED
YET BALANCED ALTO SAXOPHONE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE, BUT SOMETIMES
WHILE FIGHTING RACCOONS OVER A BOTTLE OF FIREBALL IN A TRAILER
PARK I RIPPED THE SIDE PANEL OFF IN THE BEEN AN RV AND ROLL IT
INTO A TUBE AND JAM A USED MATCHBOOK INTO THE END AS A READ
SO I CAN HONK THROUGH THE GREASY HOBO PHONE OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT. Announcer: "MEANWHILE."
Stephen: THAT KILLS ME. THIS KILLS ME.
MEANWHILE, PAPA JOHN'S, THE REASON WHY ITALY WILL NOT
RESPOND TO OUR TEXTS. APPARENTLY THE PIZZA CHAIN IS
EXPANDING WITH PLANS TO OPEN 600 NEW RESTAURANTS IN INDIA BY
2023. THAT'S AN INTERESTING MARKETING
CHALLENGE. I BET YOUR SICK OF DELICIOUS
TIKKA MASALA AND WHAT CAN I TELL YOU YOU COULD HAVE SOGGY BREAD
WITH PLASTIC MEAT COINS. THAT IS LEGALLY FOOD.
MEANWHILE IN THE NEW STUDY, SCIENTISTS FOUND OUT THAT HUMAN
MEMORY MAY BE UNRELIABLE AFTER A FEW SECONDS.
THE HEADLINE AGAIN. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
MEANWHILE. TO AID IN RECOVERY, FANCY
MEDICAL PEOPLE HAVE DEVELOPED A SMART KNEE THAT TRANSMITS DATA A
KNEE REPLACEMENT I TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR TO PREDICT SENSORS THAT
WILL BE ADDED TO ARTIFICIAL HIPS, SHOULDERS, AND SPINAL
IMPLANTS. I BET THERE'S NOTHING THAT COULD
GO WRONG WITH BLUETOOTH ENABLED BODY PARTS.
HONEY, WHAT'S THE LOGIN FOR MY SPINE?
MY ELBOW GOT OUT OF THE WI-FI END.
MY ASS WITH THE PRINTER.
PAPER JAM! MEANWHILE, THE LATEST FAD AMONG
THE GOURMETS IS BLENDING VODKA INTO YOUR BUTTERED TO CREATE THE
INVENTIVELY NAMED VODKA BUTTERS. SHEP SAY VODKA BUTTER PAIRS WELL
WITH SEAFOOD BUT YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL NOT TO ADD TOO MUCH
ABOUT THAT TO THE BUTTER UNLESS YOU'LL END UP WITH I CAN'T
BELIEVE YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND, RICK, I'M GOING TO TEXT BRENDA!
[CHEERING AND LAUGHTER] WHILE REGULAR VIEWERS WILL
RECALL I PREVIOUSLY BROKE THE STORY THAT AN ARIZONA
DAIRY QUEEN WAS ON THE HUNT FOR THE MISSING 15-FOOT RED SPOON
STATUE. WELL, HERE YOU, HEAR YOU,
DAIRY QUEEN'S AND PEASANTS, IT'S A JOYFUL HEART I PROCLAIM UNTO
YE THAT THE GIANT SPOON HATH BEEN FOUND.
GREAT WORK! GREAT WORK, ARIZONA POLICE
DEPARTMENT! MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE SEARCHING
FOR A 15-FOOT SPOON IN A HAYSTACK.
APPARENTLY. APPARENTLY.
THE SPOON WAS FOUND JUST 2 MILES FROM WHEREVER IT WAS STOLEN AND
LAYING IN THE BASEBALL FIELD. WHY WAS IT TH?
WHY WAS THAT THEY ARE? MAYBE IT WAS TRYING TO REUNITE
WITH ITS FORBIDDEN LOVER, THAT TINY HEAD OF ICE CREAM.
YOU MAY BE WONDERING, HEY, STEVE, HOW DID HAWKEYE
DETECTIVES FIND A BRIGHT RED 15-FOOT SPOON?
LYING IN AN EMPTY BASEBALL FIELD?
WELL, ALAN, IT TURNS OUT IT WAS LARGELY THANKS TO POKEMON GO.
MICHAEL FOSTER, 52, WAS PLAYING THE GAME WHEN HE SPOTTED THE
SPOON AROUND 7:00 A.M. AT WHICH POINT HE SENT A PICTURE TO HIS
WIFE. YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT A
52-YEAR-OLD MAN WAS PLAYING POKEMON GO IN A BASEBALL FIELD?
AT 7:00 A.M.? AND STILL HAS A WIFE?
WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STEPHEN YUAN
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOLKS, MY
FRIENDS! MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS AN
OSCAR-NOMINATED ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM THE WALKING DEAD AND
BURNING, HE NOW STARTS IN THE NEW NETFLIX SERIES "BEEF."
LIFE IS PRECIOUS, MAN. YOU CAN'T WASTE IT, TAKE ACTION.
IF YOU'RE HUNGRY, EAT A STEAK. LIKE LOOK, IT'S RIGHT THERE, YOU
KNOW? SEE SOMETHING YOU LIKE, BABY
GIRL, GO GET IT. YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE CONTROL, MAN.
WHAT'S YOUR PLAN THEN? I'M GOING TO GO PLAY BALL.
NO, LIKE IN YOUR LIFE, RIGHT NOW.
YOU'RE ONE PRECIOUS LIFE, WHAT IS YOUR PLAN?
I'M GOING TO BECOME A CRYPTO MILLIONAIRE, TRAVELED THE WORLD
WITH MY BOYS. OKAY, YOUR VOICE.
WHAT ARE YOU AND THE BOYS GOING TO DO?
IT'S EASY. YOU'RE JUST SAYING HIGHER
NUMBERS. Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME
BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," STEVEN YEUN!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ ♪
Steven: THAT'S SO NICE. Stephen: FOLKS ARE VERY
EXCITED TO SEE STEVEN YEUN. NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, AS I WAS
SAYING LAST STAGE, I INTERVIEWED YOU ON ZOOM BEFORE.
Steven: THIS IS A PLEASURE, THANK YOU.
Stephen: AND WE ARE BOTH CITIES.
I BUTCHERED
THAT, THAT'S WHY THERE WERE THE WAY THEY WERE.
THE NEW TV SERIES "BEEF." ABOUT A FIGHT THAT SPARKS AMONG
YOU, YOU AND ALI WONG IN THIS. ON THE SCALE OF 1-10, HOW RAGE
FILLED OF A DRIVER ARE YOU? HOW DO YOU REACT TO BEING CUT
OFF I GUESS? Steven: YOU KNOW, I USED TO
BE PRETTY ANGRY. THESE DAYS, I'M NOT SO MUCH.
I DO THIS WEIRD THING THAT I REALIZE IS WHEN I'M DRIVING AND
NOBODY IS THERE, I'M PRETTY CHILL.
Stephen: LIKE NO ONE'S IN THE CAR WITH YOU?
Steven: NO IT'S IN THE CAR, IF SOMEONE CUTS ME OFF LIKE I
UNDERSTAND I'VE DONE THAT BEFORE TOO.
BUT IF SOMEONE'S CLOSE TO ME LIKE MY WIFE OR KIDS, THEY ARE
IN THE CAR, LIKE I GET REALLY ANGRY AND LIKE WHY IS THAT?
OH, I'M PERFORMING. BECAUSE SOMEONE I KNOW SAW ME
GET SLIGHTED AND SO I HAVE TO MAKE A DEAL ABOUT IT.
RIGHT? WHAT DOES THAT SAY?
Stephen: IT SAYS YOU SHOULD LIVE ALONE.
YOU'RE MUCH BETTER BY YOURSELF. HOW FAST YOU DRIVE?
KEEP IN MIND THAT LIKE ALL OF MY GUESTS, YOU ARE UNDER OATH.
Steven: I M A CONSISTENT 80.
NOT ALWAYS! Stephen: CONSISTENT MEANS
LIKE IN A SCHOOL ZONE, PARKING LOT.
Steven: I'M GOING TO GET IN SUCH TROUBLE FOR THIS, BUT I'M A
LEFT LANE--YARD. I STAY 80s SO THAT I CAN STAY
IN THE LEFT LANE. AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO-- I
THOUGHT IT WAS FUN AND THEN MY FRIEND WAS LIKE YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO IN AND OUT. Stephen: NOBODY'S DOING 80
OVER THERE. Steven: THAT'S WHAT I'M
SAYING! Stephen: YOU DON'T CRAWL UP
ON PEOPLE'S-- Steven: NO, NO, I TRY TO GO
IN THE FAST LANE. OKAY, IT'S COOL THEN.
I'M GOING TO KEEP DOING THAT. Stephen: THE SHOW CAME OUT
JUST LAST WEEK RIGHT? RAVE REVIEWS ALREADY, PEOPLE ARE
DIGGING IT, "BEEF" IS YOU SEE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Steven: BEEF IS JUICY. Stephen: CNN, BEEF TURNS A
ROAD TO RAGE RUN INTO ONE OF THE YEAR'S JUICIEST SHOWS.
OKAY, SO, WHEN SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENS AND I'M CURIOUS AS AN
ACTOR LIKE YOU THINK I'VE GOT A LONG PERIOD OF WORK THAT I CAN
LOOK FORWARD TO HEAR. OR ARE YOU ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT
THE NEXT THING? Steven: YOU KNOW WHAT IT
WAS? THIS PROJECT LIKE I'M JUST KIND
OF ON THIS RIDE AND I HAD TO SHARE IT WITH THE PEOPLE THAT I
LOVE, PEOPLE THAT I REALLY ADMIRE.
IN THE SHOW ITSELF WAS JUST LIKE ULTIMATE FACING ALL CRINGE AND
GOING THROUGH THAT WAS LIBERATING AND ALSO IT FEELS
LIKE LOOK AT YOU-- I'M JUST HAPPY FOR THE SUCCESS, BUT HATE
IT OR LOVE IT, I FEEL LIKE IT SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT YOU MORE
THAN IT DOES ABOUT ME. SO I'M CHILL.
Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK IT SAYS ABOUT SOMEBODY IF THEY
HATE IT? Steven: MAYBE THEY DO NOT
WANT TO SEE THEIR CRINGE. Stephen: IF THEY LOVE IT?
Steven: THAN THEY ARE COOL WITH THE CRINGE.
Stephen: SO IT'S PRETTY SIMPLE.
Steven: PRETTY COOL WITH THAT OF CRINGE.
Stephen: DO YOU LIKE THE FEELING OF THE CRINGE?
Steven: I DON'T LOVE THE FEELING OF THE CRINGE.
BUT I HEARD THIS THING THAT SAYS DON'T KILL THE CRINGE, KILLED A
PART OF YOU THAT CRINGES. Stephen: THAT SOUNDS DEEP.
[LAUGHTER] I HAVE T-SHIRTS AND MUGS.
OKAY, SO YOUR CHARACTER DANNY BECOMES A PART OF-- I'VE GOT IT
RIGHT HERE, YOUR CHARACTER BECOMES PART OF A KOREAN CHURCH
IS BANNED. DID YOU GROW UP--
Steven: GOING TO CHURCH? YEAH.
Stephen: WERE YOU IN THE BAND?
DID YOU PLAY GUITAR? Steven: I DID, I DID PLAY
GUITAR. NO, IT WAS LIKE SLOW WITH MY
TAYLOR 710 ACOUSTIC GUITAR LIKE DOING THE WHOLE THING.
SOMEONE SAID WOW, WHO GOT, YEAH? LIKE CHURCH PRAISE.
[LAUGHTER] AND IT WAS JUST-- IT WAS A
TIME. I DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE.
I ACTUALLY DON'T GO TO CHURCH ANYMORE, BUT I WAS A TIME.
Stephen: ON THE CERTAIN LEVEL IT STICKS WITH YOU.
YOU HAVE A FAVORITE VERSE IF I MAY ASK?
Steven: I DO HAVE A FAVORITE VERSE.
I WAS TAUGHT THIS IN SIXTH GRADE, IT WAS ROMANS 12:
TWO. DO NOT CONFORM TO THE PATTERNS
OF THIS WORLD, BUT BE TRANSFORMED BY THE RENEWING OF
YOUR MIND AND YOU WILL BE ABLE TO TEST.
Stephen: THAT WAS BAD-- Steven:--
Steven: SOUNDING. THAT WAS TAUGHT TO ME AT THE
TIME TO BE LIKE DON'T DO SECULAR THINGS, JUST TO CHRISTIAN
THINGS. THAT DOESN'T SOUND AT ALL LIKE
WHAT THE VERSE SAID AND I'VE BEEN UNPACKING IT EVER SINCE.
Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK BUT WE WILL BE BACK
WITH MORE STEVEN YEUN. TO STICK, EVERYBODY.
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
LOOK AT THAT! IT'S THE START OF "BEEF,"
STEVEN YEUN! STEVEN, YOU'RE A GREAT GUEST OF
CONAN O'BRIEN'S AND HE SAID OF YOU, THIS IS AN EXCELLENT
COMPLEMENT. HE'S IMMUNE TO TAKING HIMSELF
TOO SERIOUSLY. Steven: THAT'S A GREAT
COMPLEMENT. Stephen: IS THAT TRUE?
Steven: THAT'S NOT TRUE. NO, NOT TRUE AT ALL, IF
ANYTHING, IF MY GIFT IS ANYTHING, I'M JUST CONSTANTLY
HUMILIATED WHEN I LIKE THEM FEELING MYSELF.
WHENEVER I'M FEELING MYSELF, WHAM, I JUST GET IT.
Stephen: CAN YOU NAME A TIME?
Steven: JUST RECENTLY ON THE "BEEF" PREMIER, LIKE I'M
HAVING A GOOD TIME, AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN I'M TRYING TO BE SO
COOL AND BAM, RAN INTO THE GLASS DOOR.
SO HARD. AND I'M LIKE ANYBODY SEE THAT?
AND THEIR LIKE WE ALL SAW THAT. AND IF YOU SEE SOME OF THE
INTERVIEWS, LIKE I'VE A SLOW'S T NOT.
WHEN I WAS YOUNG TOO, I WAS SO SERIOUS ABOUT MAKING SURE THAT I
WAS NOT THE ODD MAN OUT THAT I WOULD MAKE MYSELF THE ODD MAN
OUT ON ACCIDENT. I WAS PART OF THE SCHOOL
ORCHESTRA AND WE HAD THIS ONE NIGHT OF TROY COUNTRY FIDDLERS
THING THAT WE HAD TO DO AND EVERYBODY'S LIKE ALL RIGHT, GET
YOUR WESTERN GEAR AND COUNTRY GEAR AND COME TO THE CONCERT.
MOM, DAD, I HAVE TO HAVE WESTERN GEAR OR ELSE I'M GOING TO LOOK
SO STUPID. I FORCED MY PARENTS TO TAKE ME
TO THE GAP AND BUY ME OVERALLS AND A CHECKERED SHIRT WHICH WAS
LIKE MORE EXPENSIVE THAN ANY CLOTHES I'VE EVER OWNED LIKE WE
WEREN'T RICH OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
I MADE THEM BUY THIS FOR ME BECAUSE I'M LIKE IT'S FOR SCHOOL
AND I HAVE TO DO THIS. I ROLLED IN AND EVERYBODY'S
WEARING JEANS AND A T-SHIRT AND I'M IN-- I LOOK LIKE A
CARICATURE OF THE THING. I WAS A MASCOT OF THE THING.
AND THE WORST PART IS THAT NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, THE WORST
PART IS I WAS FIRST VIOLIN BUT I WAS LAST YEAR WHICH IS LIKE
OUTSIDE WHERE EVERYONE CAN SEE YOU.
SO EVERYBODY IS DOING THEIR THING, TAKING A CHILL, AND I'M
SITTING THERE LOOKING LIKE A SCARECROW.
DOING A TERRIBLE JOB ON VIOLIN BECAUSE I WASN'T EVEN GOOD.
NO, I WAS TRASH. Stephen: WELL, THANK YOU
FOR SHARING THAT. SO NICE TO TALK TO YOU,
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. "BEEF" IS STREAMING ON NETFLIX.
STEVEN YEUN, EVERYBODY! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
JOAN BAEZ! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS A FOLK MUSIC ICON AND A ROCK 'N' ROLL
HALL OF FAMER THAT'S BEEN A CHAMPION FOR SOCIAL JUSTICE FOR
OVER 60 YEARS. PLEASE WELCOME TO
"THE LATE SHOW," JOAN BAEZ! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
WELL, WELL, WELL. WHAT A PLEASURE, JOAN BAEZ, I
DON'T MEAN TO STARTLE YOU, BUT YOU ARE JOAN BAEZ.
THIS IS. SULLIVAN THEATER.
YOU ARE JOAN BAEZ, AND THIS IS. SULLIVAN THEATER, DID YOU EVER
PLAYED HIS THEATER BACK IN THE DAY.
ON MR. SULLIVAN'S SHOW? Joan: YES, BUT YOU ARE
STEPHEN COLBERT. Stephen: THE SUIT RIGHT
THERE. Joan: OF MY FRIENDS I WATCH
YOU FAITHFULLY, AND I SIT THERE AND I LOOK AT YOU AND THINK WHY
AM I NOT IN THAT CHAIR? Stephen: I THINK THAT OFTEN
TOO, WHY ISN'T JOAN BAEZ IN THAT CHAIR.
ONE DOESN'T USUALLY THINK OF AN AIRPORT AS AN INSPIRING PLACE.
Joan: NO WHERE? Stephen: WASN'T AWARE?
ON SUNDAY, YOU MET ONE OF THE TWO JUSTIN'S IN THE TENNESSEE
THREE, HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? Joan: I WAS POUTING BECAUSE
I WAS IN NASHVILLE AND I WANTED TO BE AT THE CAPITOL.
I COULDN'T GO AND I COULDN'T GO IN THEN I'M IN THE AIRPORT AND
MY EDITOR WAS STANDING NEXT TO ME AND GOES LIKE OH, MY GOD, AND
BY THE TIME HE TURNED AROUND TO ME I HAD ALREADY SEEN JUSTIN.&
I WAS FLYING ACROSS THE ROOM. YOU KNOW, IT WAS JUST SO
EXCITING. Stephen: YOU AND JUSTIN
SANG TOGETHER RIGHT THERE IN THE AIRPORT AND THIS CLIP WENT
VIRAL. ♪ ♪
VIRAL.
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THIS IS THE TENNESSEE THREE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Stephen: THIS AUGUST WILL BE THE 60TH ANNIVERSARY OVER
YOUR MARCH ON WASHINGTON. YOU FAMOUSLY PERFORMED "WE SHALL
OVERCOME," THERE YOU ARE WITH BOB, SAME DAY, RIGHT?
THE SAME DAY. WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER ABOUT THAT
DAY? Joan: THERE SOMETIMES WHEN
YOU KNOW THIS IS GOING TO BE THE START, SOMETIMES YOU DON'T KNOW.
BUT WITH 250,000 PEOPLE, THE LARGEST CROWD EITHER OF US HAD
EVER SEEN, AND THEN THE PEOPLE SURROUNDING AROUND DR. KING, IT
WAS ELECTRIC. FOR THE SPEECH, HE JUST TOOK
OFF. HE PUT HIS NOTES DOWN AND I JUST
WEPT. I SPENT A LOT OF TIME AROUND
DR. KING IN TEARS BECAUSE HE WAS SO MOVING IN SUCH AN ORATOR OF.
Stephen: YOU ARE A FRIEND OF DR. KING'S AND SPENT A FAIR
AMOUNT OF TIME WITH HIM. WHAT DO PEOPLE NOT KNOW ABOUT
HIM? Joan: THEY DON'T KNOW THAT
HE HAD A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR AND BECAUSE HIS JOB WAS SO
SERIOUS AND IF YOU MADE A LITTLE MISTAKE OR A JOKE, THAT
EVERYBODY WOULD BE ON HIM. IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING
TO PIN ON HIM, SOMETHING NEGATIVE.
I THINK THAT'S WHY HE COULDN'T DO IT PUBLICLY, BUT PRIVATELY HE
WAS REALLY VERY FUNNY. ONE TIME I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO
GO PICK UP DR. KING AT THE AIRPORT WITH JESSE JACKSON AND
ANDY YOUNG. I WAS THINKING I'M GOING TO HEAR
HOW THEY PLAN A MARCH, AND THEY TOLD JOKES IN THE AIRPORT TO HIS
FAVORITE LITTLE RESTAURANT, HAD FRIED CHICKEN AND OAK GROVE.
THE WAITRESS SAID DR. KING, WOULD YOU LIKE A LITTLE BIT OF
APPLE PIE? HE SAID NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
ARE YOU SURE YOU WOULDN'T LIKE A LITTLE BIT OF THE APPLE PIE?
YES, I BELIEVE I WILL. Stephen: WELL, ARE YOU
SURPRISED-- HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE SINGING "WE SHALL OVERCOME"
IN AN AIRPORT 60 YEARS LATER AND IT'S STILL A FITTING SONG TO BE
SINGING WITH JUSTIN JONES? WHAT'S YOUR EMOTIONAL REACTION
HAVING BEEN THERE AND NOW 60 YEARS LATER TO BE SINGING THAT
IN AN AIRPORT? Joan: WITH SOMEBODY REALLY,
REALLY YOUNG. AN INTERESTED IN NONVIOLENCE,
WE'VE WRITTEN A BOOK ON IT. IT WAS JUST SORT OF AMAZING THAT
WE CONNECTED LIKE THAT. YOU KNOW, IT DOESN'T HAPPEN
EVERY DAY. Stephen: YOU'VE GOT A NEW
BOOK. IT'S CALLED
"AM I PRETTY WHEN I FLY?" THERE YOU GO.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND IT'S AN ALBUM OF UPSIDE DOWN
DRAWING'S. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
DO YOU HANG UPSIDE DOWN-- Joan: I WAS GOING TO SAY,
YOU'D BE THE PERSON TO GUESS THAT.
Stephen: THAT'S WHAT I LITERALLY THOUGHT.
Joan: NO, I WAS NOT STANDING ON MY HEAD AND DRAWING.
IT'S WRONG SO THAT IF YOU WERE SEEING IT PROPERLY, I'M SEEING
IT UPSIDE DOWN. Stephen: WOULD YOU DO ONE
FOR ME? I WILL SHOW SOME OF THE DRAWINGS
WHILE YOU DO THIS. Joan: WHY DID YOU START
DRAWING UPSIDE DOWN
I THINK BECAUSE I WAS BORED WITH SCHOOL.
Stephen: WHEN YOU'VE BEEN DOING THIS SINCE YOU WERE YOUNG?
Joan: I GUESS SINCE I WROTE BACKWARDS WROTE BACKWARDS.
ASK ME WHEN YOU WROTE FOR A FUN? Joan: I FOUND LITTLE WAYS
TO KEEP MYSELF IN COMFORT SO WHILE THE TEACHERS TEACH THE
STUFF THAT BORED ME. SOMETHING I ENJOYED WITH MY LEFT
HAND WRITING BACKWARDS. Stephen: SO HERE ARE
EXAMPLES-- HERE ARE EXAMPLE OF SOME OF THE DRAWINGS.
MY UNDERSTANDING IS THAT YOU DO THE DRAWINGS AND THEN TURN IT
RIGHT-SIDE UP AND LOOK AT IT AND DECIDE WHAT THE CAPTION OR THE
DIALOGUE IS GOING TO BE. Joan: I USUALLY TURN AROUND
AND HAVE A LITTLE PEEK IF IT'S WHAT IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE BUT I
REALLY DON'T KNOW UNTIL I'M KIND OF DONE LIKE THIS.
Stephen: THERE'S ALSO A DOCUMENTARY COMING OUT ABOUT
YOUR LIFE CALLED "JOAN BAEZ I AM A NOISE."
DID YOU LEARN ANYTHING FROM YOUR OWN DOCUMENTARY?
Joan: I DID, AND LEARNED A LOT.
Stephen: WHAT DID YOU LEARN?
Joan: I LEARNED I AM A NOISE AND I ALREADY KNEW IT BACK
THEN. I JUST CARRIED ON.
OOPS. Stephen: WHEN YOU SHOW THE
PEOPLE OR DO YOU WANT TO CAPTION IT?
Joan: IT'S NOT VERY NICE. Stephen: THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
Joan: YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU CAPTION IT.
Stephen: HERE IT IS, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT IT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Joan: I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
THINKING, BUT DO SOMETHING ELSE. [LAUGHTER]
Stephen: I'M SORRY. I THOUGHT THIS BATHROOM WAS
EMPTY. [LAUGHTER]
Joan: THAT'S IT. PERFECT.
Stephen: THANK YOU, JOAN. "AM I PRETTY WHEN I FLY?" IS
AVAILABLE NOW AND THAT IS JOAN BAEZ, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Steven: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY!
STICK AROUND FOR JAMES! ONLY A FEW LEFT!
GOOD NIGHT! ♪ ♪