♪ ♪ Stephen: HEY, GUYS.
I'M SO GLAD Y'ALL ARE HERE TONIGHT.
I JUST LOVE THE SERIES "THE WHITE HOUSE PLUMBERS."
AS A KID I WATCHED "THE WATERGATE."
YEAH, WHATEVER, WE HAVE A PROBLEM, COLBERT.
YOU HAVE TWO GUESTS AT THE SAME TIME, WHO IS GOING TO SIT NEXT
TO YOU? Stephen: YOU ARE BOTH BIG
STARS, I MEAN WHAT HE IS BIGGER, BUT IT SHOULD NOT MATTER WHAT
CHAIR YOU SAID IN. Woody: DON'T ON MY LEG AND
CALL IT MOUNTAIN DEW, COLLEGE BOY, WE KNOW THE SECOND CHAIR IS
FOR LOSERS. Justin: MAKE A DECISION,
STEPHEN. Stephen: OH, MY GOD, THIS
IS SUCH A TOUGH DECISION. WHO?
Announcer: THIS WEEK ON THE COLBERT NIGHT.
XP ON SUCH AN AMAZING NIGHT, BUT I AM TORN.
I AM NOT GIVING THAT CHAIR TO SOMEONE I DON'T SEE A FUTURE
WITH. WHAT HE HAS A BIG HEART AND HAS
BEEN NOMINATED FOR THREE OSCARS, BUT SPEAK IT IS A BAD BOY WHO
DOES NOT PLAY BY THE RULES, WHO WILL I GIVE THE FIRST CHAIR?
Announcer: TUNE IN LATER TO FIND OUT WHO STEPHEN WILL PICK.
Stephen: IT'S GREAT HAVING YOU ON, WHAT WAS IT LIKE WORKING
ON THE SERIES TOGETHER? A LOT OF FUN.
Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT BABY GOT TAPPED! PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES
WOODY HARRELSON AND JUSTIN THEROUX!
AND MUSICAL GUEST THE WALKMEN! FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND
"THE LATE SHOW" BAND. AND NOW LIVE FROM.
SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S
STEPHEN COLBERT! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Stephen: HOW ARE YOU! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
OH, MY GOODNESS! AND THIS CAN BE RIGHT, BABY!
HAPPY TUESDAY! [CHANTING "STEPHEN"]
Stephen: THANKS, EVERYBODY. WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," I AM
YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. IT'S 2023, THIS IS TAX DAY.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVEN'T DONE THEM YET, YOU HAVE 23
MINUTES LEFT TO TRY AND REMEMBER YOUR TURBO TAX PASSWORD.
THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO DECLARE ANY BIG TRANSACTIONS
THAT MAY HAVE SLIPPED YOUR MIND, LIKE, DID A RIGHT WING
BILLIONAIRE BUY YOUR MOM'S HOUSE?
[LAUGHTER] BE CAREFUL, OKAY.
I KNOW ONE COMPANY THAT'S GOING TO HAVE A BIG OLD TAX WRITE-OFF
NEXT YEAR. BECAUSE ABOUT TWO HOURS
AGO, FOX NEWS SETTLED THEIR DEFAMATION SUIT WITH DOMINION
VOTING SYSTEMS, AVERTING A TRIAL.
DAMMIT! I WANT MY TRIAL!
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PROVIDE ME SIX WEEKS OF DELICIOUS CONTENT!
I WANTED TO SEE RUPERT MURDOCH PUT HIS HAND ON THE BIBLE AND
BURST INTO FLAMES! [LAUGHTER]
ACCORDING TO DOMINION, THE SETTLEMENT WAS FOR A GARGANTUAN
$787.5 MILLION. THAT'S A LOT OF DOUGH-MINION.
ADMITTEDLY, RUPERT MURDOCH IS LOSING HIS SHIRT, HERE.
BUT NOBODY WANTED THAT. I GOT SOME MORE BAD NEWS BECAUSE
REPORTEDLY, FOX NEWS WILL NOT HAVE TO ACKNOWLEDGE ON AIR THAT
IT TOLD LIES ABOUT DOMINION IN THE WAKE OF THE 2020 ELECTION.
BOO! WHAT THEY SAID.
BOO, SIR! BOO, I SAY!
I GUESS IT'S SATISFYING FOR DOMINION THAT RUPEY HAD TO FORK
OVER A PILE OF CASH. BUT THAT DOES NOTHING FOR OUR
DEMOCRACY. WHAT WE NEED IS FOX NEWS
PERSONALITIES TO LOOK STRAIGHT INTO THE CAMERA, ADMIT THEY LIED
OVER AND OVER AGAIN ABOUT THE 2020 ELECTION, AND
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THEN HURL THEMSELVES INTO MOUNT DOOM.
FOX WAS QUICK TO RELEASE A STATEMENT SEMIACKNOWLEDGING THAT
SOMETHING KINDA SORTA MAYBE HAPPENED.
IT SAID, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL LET OUR FRIEND JAKE TAPPER
ATTEMPT TO READ IT. SPEAK OF THE SETTLEMENT IS THE
HIGHEST STANDARDS, WE ARE HOPEFUL--
SORRY. Stephen: OH, DON'T
APOLOGIZE, JAKE. IT'S HILARIOUS.
SO, THEY GOTTA COUGH UP A LOT OF CASH, AND FOX NEWS HAS BEEN
EXPOSED AS A GANG OF CRETINOUS LIARS.
WHICH IS WHY YESTERDAY, THEY TRIED TO DO SOME DAMAGE CONTROL
WITH THIS FULL PAGE AD IN THE NEW YORK TIMES,
BOASTING:"TRUSTED NOW. MORE THAN EVER."
REALLY? CUZ YOU WERE JUST CAUGHT IN THE
ACT. "HONEY, I'M HO--WHAT, YOU AND
RICK, YOUR YOGA INSTRUCTOR?! I TRUST YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER,
DARLING! OOH, IS THAT DOWNWARD FACING
DOG?" OH, IT IS NOT.
CLOSE THAT. ALSO, I WANT TO POINT OUT THE
NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO TRUST THEM IN THEIR OWN CHART IS 41%.
SO, LESS THAN HALF. KIND OF A WEIRD THING TO BRAG
ABOUT. YOU NEVER SEE A TOOTHPASTE AD
BRAGGING: "4 OUT OF 10 DENTISTS RECOMMEND.
THE OTHER 6 KNOW IT'S JUST RELABELED HEMORRHOID CREAM."
RECENTLY, THINGS HAVEN'T BEEN GREAT FOR FLORIDA GOVERNOR AND
THREATENED CAT, RON DESANTIS. HIS POLL NUMBERS ARE SINKING,
AND DONORS ARE PANICKING, SO YESTERDAY, HE DID THE ONLY THING
A MAN CAN DO: BULLY A CARTOON MOUSE.
FOR MONTHS HE'S BEEN FEUDING WITH DISNEY BECAUSE AFTER HE
SIGNED THE "DON'T SAY GAY" BILL, THEY PLEDGED TO STOP GIVING
MONEY TO REPUBLICANS. AND RONNY WANTS HIS CASH.
SO HE REPLACED DISNEY'S BOARD WITH HIS STOOGES ONLY TO FIND
THAT THE OLD BOARD SIGNED A LAST-MINUTE AGREEMENT WITH
DISNEY THAT STRIPPED THE NEW BOARD OF MOST POWERS BEFORE THEY
COULD COULD TAKE THEIR SEATS. DON'T YOU KNOW?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] OH, COME ON, RON.
YOU ARE IN FLORIDA. YOU DON'T MESS WITH DISNEY.
YOU AIN'T NEMO. THEY'LL NEVER FIND YOU.
DESANTIS COULDN'T TAKE CONTROL OF DISNEYWORLD, SO NOW HE'S
TALKING ABOUT WHAT HE CAN DO TO THE LAND AROUND THE PARK: HE'S
PEOPLE HAVE SAID, MAY BE CREATE A PARK, MAY BE DUE MORE
AMUSEMENT PARKS. SOME SAID, MAYBE YOU NEED
ANOTHER STATE PRISON. WHO KNOWS.
Stephen: YEAH, A STATE PRISON NEXT TO DISNEY
HE IS ABOUT TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT, AND HIS LATEST
PROPOSAL IS "I'M GOING TO PUT FLORIDA CONVICTS NEXT TO YOUR
CHILDREN." DESANTIS HAS MADE OTHER THREATS.
HE'S FLOATED THE IDEA OF RAISING TAXES ON DISNEY HOTELS AND
IMPOSING TOLLS ON ROADS THAT LEAD TO ITS THEME PARKS.
OH NO, NOW GOING TO DISNEY WORLD MIGHT BECOME EXPENSIVE.
[LAUGHTER] OH, NO.
OTHER FLORIDA REPUBLICANS ARE ALSO LINING UP TO BASH DISNEY,
LIKE STATE REPRESENTATIVE CAROLINA AMESTY WHO CLAIMED THE
MAGIC KINGDOM IS "INDOCTRINATING" CHILDREN WITH
"RADICAL GENDER IDEOLOGIES." YOU KNOW WHAT, YEAH.
SHE IS RIGHT. REALLY MAKES YOU LONG FOR THE
GOOD OLD DAYS WHEN DISNEY ONLY SHOWED WHOLESOME, TRADITIONAL
RELATIONSHIPS LIKE A CANDELABRA TRYING TO BANG A FEATHER DUSTER.
[LAUGHTER] SHE'S THE MOST FLAMMABLE OBJECT
IN THE CASTLE! GET OUTTA THERE!
THE CRAZIEST THING ABOUT ALL THIS IS DISNEY WORLD IS THE
LARGEST EMPLOYER IN CENTRAL FLORIDA.
YOU CAN'T ATTACK DISNEY IF YOU'RE THE GOVERNOR OF FLORIDA.
THAT'S LIKE RUNNING FOR PRIME MINISTER OF CANADA ON THE SLOGAN
"[BLEEP] MAPLE SYRUP!" DESANTIS ISN'T JUST LOSING HIS
FIGHT AGAINST DISNEY, HE'S ALSO LOSING THE SUPPORT OF FELLOW
FLORIDA REPUBLICANS, LIKE CONGRESSMAN GREG STUBEE, SEEN
HERE AS THE COVER MODEL FOR THIS MONTH'S ANGRY BEEEEPER.
STEUBE RECENTLY WENT ON RIGHT-WING TV TO THROW HIS
WEIGHT BEHIND DESANTIS'S MAIN RIVAL.
YEAH, ROB, I WANT TO GIVE YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK BACK--
THANK YOU TO GIVE ME THE OPPORTUNITY TO TALK ABOUT IT ON.
I'M EXCITED TO ENDORSE DONALD TRUMP FOR 2024.
HE SAID IT. HE SAID "DONALD J.
CHUMP!" QUITE A FREUDIAN SLIP.
"I'M PROUD TO ENGORGE "MY" PICK FOR THE SINNER OF THE 2024
ERECTION: MOMMY." [LAUGHTER]
THERE'S SOME NEWS ABOUT NEW YORK CONGRESSMAN GEORGE SANTOS.
EVER SINCE HE LIED HIS WAY INTO OFFICE ON A CLOUD OF FANCIFUL
VOLLEYBALL-HOLOCAUST MAKE-EM-UPS, SANTOS HAS FACED
CALLS TO QUIT FROM FELLOW NEW YORK REPUBLICANS AND VOTERS IN
HIS DISTRICT 78% OF WHOM WANT HIM TO RESIGN.
OF COURSE, THE OTHER 22% ARE COMEDIANS WHO PLAY HIM ON TV.
[LAUGHTER] NOT ONLY IS SANTOS NOT RESIGNING
FROM HIS CURRENT TERM, HE JUST ANNOUNCED HE'LL RUN FOR
RE-ELECTION IN 2024. VERY BRAVE OF HIM TO PUSH
THROUGH. I HEARD LAST WEEK, HIS MOM DIED
IN 9/11 FOR THE FOURTH TIME. [LAUGHTER]
IN ORDER TO RUN FOR REELECTION, SANTOS IS GONNA NEED SOME MAJOR
MOOLAH. SO FAR HE ONLY HAS $25,000 ON
HAND. OF COURSE, WE DON'T KNOW IF HE'S
GOING TO SPEND THAT ON HIS CAMPAIGN.
HE COULD BE SAVING IT TO INVEST IN "SPIDERMAN 2:" "HAVE YOU
TRIED TURNING THE DARK OFF AND THEN BACK ON AGAIN?"
[LAUGHTER] SANTOS IS ALSO TRYING TO JUICE
UP HIS PROFILE IN CONGRESS. YESTERDAY, HE INTRODUCED SEVEN
NEW BILLS, INCLUDING ONE THAT LIMITS VACCIE MANDATES.
AND IT'S GROUNDED IN A PEER-REVIEWED SCIENCE
PUBLICATION: NICKI MINAJ'S 2021 TWEET THAT HER COUSIN'S FRIEND
GOT THE VACCINE AND HIS TESTICLES BECAME SWOLLEN, WHICH
IS WHY GEORGE SANTOS'S ACTUAL BILL IS ACTUALLY CALLED: THE
MINAJ ACT. [LAUGHTER]
YES. I DON'T KNOW WHY.
PRESUMABLY HE DIDN'T CALL THE BILL "SWOLLEN NADS," BECAUSE
THAT'S THE ALREADY THE NAME OF CONGRESSMAN JERRY NADLER'S
WORKOUT CHANNEL. WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE WOODY HARRELSON
AND JUSTIN THEROUX! WHEN WE COME BACK ITS
"MEANWHILE," BABY!
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Stephen: THE GREATEST BAND
ON TELEVISION RIGHT THERE, "THE LATE SHOW" BRINGING OUT HOT
AND HEAVY EVERY NIGHT. WE HAVE A COUPLE OF THINGS, WE
HAVE TWO JUST FANTASTIC ACTORS IN JUST A MOMENT,
WOODY HARRELSON AND JUSTIN THEROUX!
THEY HAVE A NEW SHOW CALLED "THE WHITE HOUSE PLUMBERS."
"THE WHITE HOUSE PLUMBERS," YOU GUYS ARE NOT OLD ENOUGH, YOU
GUYS WEREN'T BORN WHEN WATERGATE WAS HAPPENING, WERE YOU?
BEFORE '74? NO, I STILL LIKE YOU.
[APPLAUSE] I WATCHED IT EVERY DAY.
I USED TO WATCH BECAUSE IT CAME ON IN THE AFTERNOON LIKE I WOULD
COME HOME FROM SCHOOL AND IT WAS LIKE 3:00, 3:30 AND NORMALLY I
WOULD WATCH "THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES" "THE MONSTERS" OR
"THE THREE STOOGES" BUT IT WAS THE GIANT EYEBROWS.
AND I JUST WANT EVERYBODY TO KNOW IF YOU ARE OUT THERE AND
YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO HAVE A COMPUTER, BECAUSE "THE LATE
SHOW" IS NOMINATED FOR THREE WEBBY AWARDS.
BEST COMEDY SOCIAL PLATFORM, "THE LATE SHOW," AND BEST
CELEBRITY SOCIAL, RIGHT HERE. HERE IS THE WEBBY.
DO WE HAVE THE THING, YOU GO TO THAT.
YOU TAKE A PHOTO OF THAT, AND YOU GO TO THE INTERNET AND YOU
DO THE THING, THAT VOTES FOR THE THINGS THAT WE GET THE THING.
PLEASE DO THE THING. IT'S YOUR THING, DO WHAT YOU
WANT TO DO. OKAY.
FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME OVER THERE IN THE NEWS BURY,
STEEPING AND MALTING THE MOST TOPICAL NEWS BARLEY, KILNING IT
TO 4% MOISTURE, MASHING IT AND ADDING THE NEWSIEST STORY HOPS
AND TOP-CROPPING YEAST THEN FERMENTING IT AT 64 DEGREES FOR
3 WEEKS TO BREW THE FULL-BODIED YET ZESTY BESPOKE CRAFT BEER
THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES I FALL OUT OF THE
CEILING IN AN ABANDONED HIGH SCHOOL AND SOAK A DIRTY GYM SOCK
IN A BROKEN BLEACH BOTTLE FILLED WITH STORM DRAIN WATER SO I CAN
KEG STAND THE HOBO SWILL OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE,
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] MEANWHILE...
IN SCIENCE NEWS, "MALE CONTRACEPTION COULD BE EDGING
CLOSER, THANKS TO A NEW GENETIC DISCOVERY."
AND JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR, "EDGING" IS A TERRIBLE METHOD OF
CONTRACEPTION. THE CONTRACEPTION MEDICATION
WORKED IN MICE BY TARGETING "A GENE THAT'S ONLY EXPRESSED IN
THE TESTICLES" WHICH CAUSED "DELETERIOUS MUTATIONS TO 98%
OF THE SPERM WHICH HAD ABNORMALITIES IN THEIR HEADS AND
MID-PIECES, RENDERING THEM UNABLE TO FERTILIZE AN EGG."
ANOTHER GUARANTEED FORM OF CONTRACEPTION?
USING THE PHRASE "DELETERIOUS SPERM MUTATIONS" OVER DINNER.
MEANWHILE, A SPANISH CLIMBER HAS LEFT A CAVE AFTER 500 DAYS IN
ISOLATION. OR, TECHNICALLY,
"ITHO-LA-THION." HER ADVENTURE WAS PART OF A
STUDY ABOUT TIME SPENT UNDERGROUND, IN A PROJECT CALLED
'TIME-CAVE.' WHICH IS ALSO THE
TITLE OF MY NEW LIMITED SERIES SERIES CO-STARRING JEAN-CLAUDE
VAN DAMME ON PARAMOUNT PLUS. "TIMECAVE: THE ALGORITHM SAID
YOU'D WATCH." MEANWHILE, EVERYONE IS TOTALLY
FINE, BUT IN NORTH CAROLINA "THIS 13 YEAR OLD BOY GOT
TRAPPED INSIDE A CLAW MACHINE." THEY WOULD HAVE FREED HIM, BUT
HIS PARENTS RAN OUT OF QUARTERS. [LAUGHTER]
MEANWHILE, DUE TO A FAILED JALAPENO CROP, A SRIRACHA
SHORTAGE IS LOOMING. YES, I KNOW, IT IS BAD.
MEANING SRIRACHA COULD SOON BE AS HARD TO FIND AS IT IS TO
SPELL. OH, YOU THINK YOU CAN?
JIMMY, BLUR IT. GO HEAD.
TRY. S-R-I-A- THERE'S A C SOMEWHERE,
BUT YOU'LL NEVER FIND IT-- YOU'RE LOST IN A TIME CAVE OF
CONSONANTS! REALLY, APPLAUSE.
MEANWHILE, IN LOCAL NEWS, NEW YORK IS NOW RANKED AS THE
WEALTHIEST CITY ON THE PLANET. YES, NEW YORK IS SO RICH AND
LUXURIOUS THAT WHEN THE SUBWAY CREEPS FLASH THEIR MEAT, IT'S
WAGYU. [LAUGHTER]
I WANT TO POINT OUT IN MY DEFENSE, I WANT TO POINT OUT IN
REHEARSAL, THE GUY WAS FACING AWAY FROM THE CAMERA.
AND WE DID NOT SEE ANY OF THE RUPERT MURDOCH STUFF GOING ON.
I'M SO SORRY. MEANWHILE BAGELS, AKA: BUSINESS
DONUTS. THERE'S A MAJOR NEW FOOD
INNOVATION HERE IN THE CITY: "BEHOLD THE STUFFED-CRUST BAGEL,
IT'S THE CREATION OF PHILADELPHIA CREAM CHEESE AND
NEW YORK CITY BAGEL SHOP H&H BAGELS.
IT'S THE BIGGEST NEW YORK CITY-PHILADELPHIA MASHUP SINCE
GRITTY JOINED THE ROCKETTES. MEANWHILE, IN DOGGIE
DOPPELGANGER NEWS, THE INTERNET IS HEAD OVER HEELS OVER A VIRAL
PUP WHO IS A DEAD RINGER FOR SNOOPY.
ISN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL? WHAT'S NOT QUITE AS CUTE IS HOW
MUCH HIS OWNER LOOKS LIKE CHARLIE BROWN.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JUSTIN THEROUX AND WOODY HARRELSON.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] MUSIC
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪ Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW." LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
YOU KNOW MY GUESTS TONIGHT FROM SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE MOVIES AND
TELEVISION SHOWS. THEY NOW PLAY THE MEN WHO HELPED
ORCHESTRATE THE WATERGATE BREAK-IN IN THE NEW HBO SERIES,
"WHITE HOUSE PLUMBERS." NOW I APPRECIATE THAT YOU
TAKE CHANCES. YES, WE HAVE GOTTEN RESULTS.
BUT WE CAN'T HAVE ANY UPS, CAPUCHIN?
IT'S TOO IMPORTANT. NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME, GEORGE
COMING OR NOT A FEDERAL AGENT ANYMORE.
YOU ARE AN INTELLIGENCE AGENT, YOU ARE A SPY, AND IF YOU WANT
TO SUCCEED IN THIS LIFE WORK, YOU NEED TO BE WILLING TO BEND
THE RULES AND COLOR OUTSIDE THE LINES.
Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW" WOODY HARRELSON
AND JUSTIN THEROUX! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪ Stephen: I THINK--
I THINK WE GOT THE PEOPLE EXCITED.
Justin: SO EXCITED! Woody: [BLEEP] YEAH!
Stephen: [LAUGHS] Woody: OH, [BLEEP].
Stephen: HOW NICE! HEY, >> St JUSTIN, I THINK WE HO
KEEP YOU HERE TO SHEEPDOG THEM IN PLACE.
Woody: YOU GUYS ARE A ROCKING CROWD.
SPEAKING OF THAT SLIP, I DID NOT REALIZE SOMETHING UNTIL YOU
DIVULGED EARLIER, WHICH IS THROUGH.
EARLIER YOU SAID-- AND THEN YOU WENT TO HIM, AND HE
GOES, YEAH, THERE IS A DISPUTE BETWEEN THE OLD GENERATION AND
THE YOUNGER GENERATION. BUT YOU GOT TO GO WITH PEOPLE
WHO ARE-- Stephen: SO TWO PEOPLE IN
- YOUR FAMILY SAY? - -
Woody: BUT THE OLDER ONES. Justin: THE REALLY OLD
ONES-- Woody: I AM THROUGH WITH
THEROUX. Stephen: IT'S LIKE COLBERT
AND COLBERT, SO IT'S THE LAW FIRM OF COLBERT, COLBERT,
COLBERT, AND COLBERT. DID YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER
BEFORE YOU DID THE SHOW? Justin: WE DID A SHOW "LIVE
IMPRINTING A STUDIO AUDIENCE" WHERE HE DID ARCHIE BUNKER.
AND-- Woody: WHOOPS.
Justin: THAT'S AWKWARD. BUT WE MET BRIEFLY THERE.
AND THEN I WROTE HIM A NICE LETTER SAYING I THINK HE WOULD
BE GREAT, THE FIRST GUY PASSED, AND SO WE WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO
IT. Stephen: THIS IS YOU GUYS
LAST NIGHT AT THE PREMIERE. I LIKE THE DIFFERENT FIVE TOO.
WOODY, DID YOU NOT HAVE TIME TO CHANGE AFTER THEY DID OFFER HIM?
Woody: I LOOK LIKE I'M GETTING MARRIED AT A FISH
CONCERT. IT JUST FEELS WEIRD SOMETIMES TO
WEAR YOUR TRADITIONAL, NOTHING AGAINST YOU GUYS, BUT THE
TRADITIONAL SUITS. Stephen: THIS LOOKS GOOD ON
YOU. IT LOOKS EXCELLENT ON YOU.
HOW WAS [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] MAU?
EVERYTHING GOOD? WELL, WOODY--
Woody: GOOD ONE. Stephen: THANK YOU.
YOU HAVE BEEN IN THE NEWS LATELY, BECAUSE YOU'RE "TRUE
DETECTIVE" STAR MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY SAID THAT
WOODY HARRELSON COULD BE HIS HALF BROTHER, WHAT IS THAT
STORY? WHAT IS GOING ON?
Woody: THERE IS SOME VERACITY TO THAT THOUGHT BECAUSE
WE TALKED TO MATTHEW'S LEGITIMATE MOTHER, AND--
Justin: WE WERE ACTUALLY WONDERING--
Woody: IT'S CRAZY, BECAUSE WE WERE IN GREECE AND WE WERE
WATCHING THE U.S. TEAM WIN THE WORLD CUP, AND YOU KNOW, I DON'T
KNOW. I MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT
REGRETS AND I SAID, YOU KNOW, IT'S ODD THAT MY FATHER HAS NO
REGRETS. AND I HAVE KNOWN MAMAC A LONG
TIME. AND SHE SAID, I KNEW YOUR
FATHER. AND IT WAS THE...
THAT I FOUND TROUBLE. Stephen: THE PAUSE.
Woody: THAT I KNEW... YOUR FATHER.
Stephen: HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THAT?
Woody: FILLED WITH INNUENDO.
Stephen: A PREGNANT PAUSE, PERHAPS?
YEAH, SO WAIT A SECOND. SO IS THERE A POSSIBILITY, HOW
OLD? IN THE YEAR OF YOUR BIRTH, OR
NINE MONTHS BEFORE THE YEAR OF YOUR BIRTH, IS THAT--
Woody: THE YEAR OF HIS BIRTH.
NINE MONTHS BEFORE, SHE WAS ON A SABBATICAL FROM HER RELATIONSHIP
WITH-- Stephen: DAD MC.
Woody: HIS SUPPOSE IT FATHER.
WE WANT TO GO ON TEST, BUT FOR HIM IT'S A MUCH MORE BIG DEAL, I
MEAN, HE FEELS LIKE HE IS LOSING A FATHER.
BUT I'M LIKE NO, YOU ARE GAINING A FATHER AND A BROTHER.
Stephen: PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT THESE PHOTOS GOING, I WILL
BUY, I WILL BUY HALF BROTHER. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
JUSTIN, ONE OF YOUR-- I MEAN, THE OLD COSTAR, YOU'RE
THE NEW COSTAR, HOW DO YOU FEEL? Justin: EVERYBODY THAT
WORKS WITH WHAT HE SAYS, YOU WILL LOVE HIM, HE IS SO GREAT.
AND IT'S TRUE, YOU WARM UP TO HIM A LITTLE BIT WHEN YOU WORK
WITH HIM. AND I KIND OF WANT TO BE THE
BROTHER TOO. AND IT'S NOT REALLY WORKING OUT.
[LAUGHTER] AND I THINK WE COULD PROBABLY--
I MEAN, IT'S 2023, WE COULD PROBABLY-- WE COULD HAVE A
BROMANCE AS WELL AND I DON'T THINK--
I DON'T THINK MATTHEW-- WE COULD HAVE A BRUPLE OR
SOMETHING. Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK. BUT WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
MORE JUSTIN THEROUX AND WOODY HARRELSON, EVERYBODY.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪
Stephen: OH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU ARE IN LUCK,
BECAUSE ONCE AGAIN, IT IS THE STARS OF "THE WHITE HOUSE
PLUMBERS" WOODY HARRELSON AND JUSTIN THEROUX.
JUSTIN, IS HE HAS LAID BACK AS HE APPEARS?
OR WHEN THE CAMERAS OFF, GOT TIME TO LEAN, GOT TIME TO CLEAN.
Justin: NO, HE IS-- IT'S INCREDIBLE THAT HE IS HERE WITH
TWO SHE WAS ON. [LAUGHTER]
THIS IS NOT EVEN A JOKE. 10 MINUTES AGO I WENT INTO THE
GREEN ROOM TO GET SOMETHING, WE WANTED TO TAKE A LITTLE NAP, AND
I WILL COME UP FROM HIS NAP, AND HE WAS ANGRY.
HE WAS NAPPING 10 MINUTES AGO. SO HE IS LAID-BACK.
Stephen: SO ENJOYING THE SHOW SO FAR, ARE YOU, WOODY?
Woody: YES, BUT IRONICALLY, I FOUND OUT SOMETHING ABOUT
IT-- OF THE OTHER THING BESIDES THAT HIS NAME IS THEROUX.
I FOUND OUT THAT EVERY 10 OR 15 MINUTES HE GETS HIS CLOTHES
STEAMED. SPEW A NEW WRINKLE QUICKLY?
Justin: I WRINKLE QUICKLY. Woody: THEY BROUGHT A
BACKSTAGE. Stephen: YES.
Woody: HE IS IN HIS UNDERWEAR, SOCKS.
AND IS HANGING OUT HIS CLOTHES. Stephen: I DON'T WANT TO
TELL, START A RUMOR. ABOUT YOU, BUT THERE IS A RUMOR
THAT OCCASIONALLY YOU ENJOY CANNABIS?
Woody: NOW LET ME DISPEL-- NO, I ACTUALLY, I JUST HEARD
THAT ALL OF THE KIDS ARE DOING IT.
AND I WAS LIKE I WILL TRY IT. Stephen: IT'S LEGAL NOW,
YOU KNOW. HOW MUCH ON CRAFT SERVICES FOR
THE SHOW, HOW MUCH WEED WAS THERE?
BECAUSE I'M JUST SITTING NEXT TO THEM, AND MY ARM IS GOING NUMB.
Woody: [LAUGHS] ANOTHER GOOD ONE, MY FRIEND.
Stephen: THEY JUST DON'T GIVE YOU THIS DESK.
Woody: ACTUALLY I DID OPEN A DISPENSARY CALLED THE WOODS IN
L.A. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Stephen: REQUIRES APPLAUSE. I OPENED A DRY CLEANING PLACE IN
CHICAGO! Woody: IT IS A HERCULEAN
EFFORT, HONESTLY. BUT IT IS A VERY NICE SPOT.
MOST BEAUTIFUL DISPENSARY ON THE PLANET.
Stephen: REALLY? SOME OF THEM LOOK LIKE APPLE
STORES. Woody: THE GREATEST CREW IN
THE WORLD, AND THEY ARE HELPING YOU, AND YOU HAVE A GREAT
OUTDOOR GIGGLE GUARD, WHERE YOU CAN SIT DOWN AND--
YOU SEE, YOU DON'T IMBIBE? Stephen: I DON'T KNOW, WHAT
IS A GIGGLE GUARD? Woody: I'M GLAD YOU DID NOT
ANSWER THE QUESTION. IT'S A PLACE WHERE YOU SIT AND
THEIR CABANA AND IT'S GREAT. Stephen: WOW.
Woody: I FEEL LIKE I AM NOMINATING THIS WHOLE--
Stephen: NOT AT ALL. Woody: WHAT ARE YOU OPENING
UP, ANYTHING? Justin: I AM NOT A GIGGLE
GUARD, NO. Stephen: A BUNCH OF ACTORS
HAVE SAID THAT THEY SOMETIMES WILL CHOOSE THE PROJECT THEY ARE
WORKING ON BASED ON THE LOCATION THEY GET TO SHOOT, DO YOU EVER
DO THAT, JUSTIN? Justin: YEAH, OCCASIONALLY.
Stephen: WHAT IS THE BEST? Justin: MEXICO, AUSTRALIA,
LONDON, I HAVE SHOT AND GREAT PLACES.
NOTHING TOO EXTRAVAGANT. UPSTATE NEW YORK WITH WOODY.
Stephen: IT'S EXOTIC. Justin: VERY EXOTIC.
ROCHESTER COUNTY. Stephen: AND MUST BE HARD
TO TEMPT YOU AWAY, BECAUSE YOU LIVE ON MAUI, AND IT'S HARD TO
FIND A LOCATION-- Woody: I ALSO LIVE IN
TEXAS, BUT NO, I DON'T REALLY CHOOSE MY PROJECTS ACCORDING TO
THE LOCATION. I TRY TO THINK ABOUT THE SCRIPT,
THE DIRECTOR, THE OTHER ACTOR. Stephen: OKAY.
Woody: I MEAN CALL ME CRAZY.
YOU KNOW? CRAZY.
Stephen: SURE. WE HAVE TO TAKE ANOTHER BREAK.
BUT DON'T GO ANYWHERE. JUSTIN THEROUX AND
WOODY HARRELSON WHEN WE COME BACK.
COME ON, Y'ALL! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
Stephen: RIGHT THERE, THE STARS OF "THE WHITE HOUSE
PLUMBERS," WOODY HARRELSON AND JUSTIN THEROUX, YOUR COSTARRING
IN THE LIMITED HBO SERIES "THE WHITE HOUSE PLUMBERS," THAT
I WAS SAYING, I JUST LOVE WATERGATE.
IT'S A FASCINATING STORY. YOU ARE E HOWARD HUNT, CORRECT?
AND YOU ARE G GORDON LADY. AT FIRST I WANT TO GET INTO IT.
THIS IS THE ACTUAL RATE HERE. THIS IS YOU AS LIDDY RIGHT THE
THERE. Woody: I WILL SAY THIS,
IT'S A SPOILER ALERT, BUT THIS GUY IS INCREDIBLE, WHAT A
PERFORMANCE! YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE IT!
THEROUX. Stephen: I HAVE TO TALK
ABOUT THE 'STACHE. IS THIS ALL YOU?
Justin: IT IS 100% THEROUX RIGHT THERE.
Stephen: HOW LONG DID IT TAKE?
Justin: IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS.
Stephen: IT'S NOT JUST ANY MUSTACHE.
IT HAS THE OVERHANG. Justin: THE TRICK IS TO
GROW ALL OF THE HAIR OVER THE TOP OVER THE OTHER HAIRS SO THAT
IT GIVES IT DONE NED FLANDERS-- Stephen: HOW LONG DID YOU
HAVE TO SUPPORT THAT? Justin: THEY WERE LIKE DO
YOU WANT TO WEAR A MUSTACHE GROWING OUT AND DO IT?
SO I DECIDED TO GROW IT OUT AND DO IT.
WHEN YOU LIVE IT WITH SIX MONTHS, IT'S A HUGE MISTAKE.
IT'S LIKE ACTORS ARE LIKE, IT WOULD BE FUNNY TO HAVE A GOITER
AND YOU ARE WAKING UP EVERY MORNING WITH IT.
Woody: BUT LITERALLY WHEN WE WRAPPED IN ABOUT 14 SECONDS,
THAT MUSTACHE WAS GONE. Stephen: WHAT DID YOU LEARN
ABOUT THESE GUYS THAT YOU DID NOT KNOW BEFORE?
AGAIN, THESE ARE THE GUYS WHO PLANNED--
Justin: THE MASTERMINDS WHO PLANNED THE BREAK-IN.
THEY WERE ALSO CRAZY NIXON ZEALOTS.
THEY THOUGHT THEY HAD TO KEEP HIM IN POWER TO WARD OFF
COMMUNISM AND ARE COUNTRY, AND SOCIALIST IDEAS, AND WHERE THE
GUYS THAT BROUGHT THEIR FAVORITE GUY DOWN, BUT WITH LIDDY, NOT SO
MUCH HUNT, BUT HE WAS SORT OF THE ROGER STONE 1.0.
THE STEVE BANNON 1.0, HE WAS THE ONE WHO WAS SHAMELESS, SO EVEN
IN HIS LIFE JUST WENT UP. HE EVEN WHEN HE WAS CONVICTED
WENT TO PRISON, HE JUST THOUGHT HE WAS FINALLY TAKING A BULLET
FOR THE PRESIDENT. IT WAS A TRUE PATRIOTIC ZEALOT.
Stephen: DIDN'T HE PROVE HIS LOYALTY?
Justin: HE HAD WACKY THINGS WHERE HE WOULD PROVE HIS LOYALTY
BY HOLDING HIS HAND OVER A FLAME OF A CANDLE FAMOUSLY, BUT
CONQUERING HIS OWN FEARS, HE WAS AFRAID OF RATS, SO HE KILLED A
RAT AND ATE IT. HE WAS AFRAID OF THUNDERSTORMS,
SO HE WOULD LASH HIMSELF TO A TOP OF A TREE IN A THUNDERSTORM.
Woody: HE WAS HUNGRY. Justin: BUT YES, HE WAS A
BIT OF A WHACK JOB. ACTUALLY SAID IN THIS CHAIR AT
ONE POINT A LONG TIME AGO. Stephen: G GORDON LIDDY
DID? Justin: NOT IN THIS CHAIR.
Stephen: HE WOULD NOT BE IN THE FIRST CHAIR.
[LAUGHTER] WE HAVE SOME FOOTAGE OF THE TWO
OF YOU TOGETHER. IT IS BOTH OF YOU AND YOU SEEM
UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING. AND--
CAN YOU TELL ME-- Justin: FOR ALL OF HIS
LAID-BACK [BLEEP] IS. HE IS PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST
COMPETITIVE PEOPLE. SO WE WOULD GET INTO BROTHERLY
PRANKS COMING YOU WILL WALK DOWN THE HALLWAY AND BE LIKE I'LL
RACE YOU TO THE DOOR. THAT KIND OF [BLEEP].
OR YESTERDAY WERE DOING SOMETHING WHERE WE WERE DOING A
JUNKET DURING THE SHOW, WHO CAN DRINK MORE WATER DURING THE
JUNKET, AND THEN HE STARTS HITTING ME.
YES, THANK YOU. Stephen: REAL ESTATE.
Woody: WE WERE DOING THE SHOW, WE WERE DOING--
Justin: EASY. Woody: TWICE LIKE THIS.
WE WERE SHOOTING IN A PRISON, AND THERE IS THE SCENE WHERE I
HAVE TO PICK HIM UP. HE HAS A HEALTH EMERGENCY AND
FALLS ON THE GROUND, AND THEN I HAVE TO PICK HIM UP, AND SORT OF
SHAWSHANK STYLE, MAKE WAY! MY FRIEND IS NOT DYING ON MY
WATCH KIND OF THING. AND WE STARTED THE TAKE, AND HE
FELL OVER ON THE FLOOR, AND THEN I WENT DOWN TO PICK HIM UP, AND
I JUST LIKE COULD NOT-- MY BACK WAS BREAKING, HE IS NOT THAT
HEAVY OF A GUY. AND I AM SWEATING AND BLOOD
COMING OUT. AND I FINALLY GOT HIM UP, AND
EVERYONE STARTED LAGHING AT ME. AND WOODY HAD TAKEN WEIGHTS
BECOME A BIG STAND UP AND PUT THEM IN EVERY SINGLE PART--
PUT THEM ON HIS WRISTS. AND SO--
Stephen: THIS IS THE REVEAL.
THIS IS THE REVEAL? Woody: [LAUGHS]
Justin: YOU ARE SUCH A-- [LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE] Woody: YEAH!
[LAUGHTER] HERE, TAKE A PIC.
[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]
Stephen: WOODY, JUSTIN, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HE
HERE! "WHITE HOUSE PLUMBERS" PREMIERES
MAY 1ST ON HBO. WOODY HARRELSON AND JUSTIN
THEROUX, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A
PERFORMANCE BY THE WALKMEN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Stephen: THEY ARE REUNITING FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A DECADE
TONIGHT. PERFORMING THEIR HIT SONG, "THE
RAT," THE WALKMEN. ♪ ♪
♪ YOU'VE GOT A NERVE TO BE ASKING A FAVOR ♪
♪ YOU'VE GOT A NERVE TO BE CALLING MY NUMBER ♪
♪ I KNOW WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS BEFORE ♪
♪ CAN'T YOU HEAR ME? I'M CALLING OUT YOUR NAME ♪
♪ CAN'T YOU SEE ME? I'M POUNDING ON YOUR DOOR ♪
♪ YOU'VE GOT A NERVE TO BE ASKING A FAVOR ♪
♪ YOU'VE GOT A NERVE TO BE CALLING MY NUMBER ♪
♪ CAN'T YOU HEAR ME? I'M BLEEDING ON THE WALL ♪
♪ CAN'T YOU SEE ME? I'M POUNDING ON YOUR DOOR ♪
♪ CAN'T YOU HEAR ME WHEN I'M CALLING OUT YOUR NAME? ♪
♪ WHEN I USED TO GO OUT, I WOULD
KNOW EVERYONE THAT I SAW ♪ ♪ NOW I GO OUT ALONE IF I GO OUT
AT ALL ♪ ♪ WHEN I USED TO GO OUT I'D KNOW
EVERYONE I SAW ♪ ♪ NOW I GO OUT ALONE IF I GO OUT
AT ALL ♪ ♪ WHEN I USED TO GO OUT I'D KNOW
EVERYONE I SAW ♪ ♪ NOW I GO OUT ALONE IF I GO OUT
AT ALL ♪
♪ YOU'VE GOT A NERVE TO BE ASKING A FAVOR ♪
♪ YOU'VE GOT A NERVE TO BE CALLING MY NUMBER ♪
♪ I'M SURE WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS BEFORE ♪
♪ CAN'T YOU HEAR ME? I'M BEATING ON YOUR WALL ♪
♪ CAN'T YOU SEE ME? I'M POUNDING ON YOUR DOOR ♪
♪ ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Stephen: FANTASTIC. THE WALKMEN, EVERYBODY.
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." GOODNIGHT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]