1 00:00:02,335 --> 00:00:04,070 ♪ ♪ Stephen: HEY, GUYS. 2 00:00:04,070 --> 00:00:05,705 I'M SO GLAD Y'ALL ARE HERE TONIGHT. 3 00:00:05,705 --> 00:00:08,575 I JUST LOVE THE SERIES "THE WHITE HOUSE PLUMBERS." 4 00:00:08,575 --> 00:00:11,878 AS A KID I WATCHED "THE WATERGATE." 5 00:00:11,878 --> 00:00:16,583 YEAH, WHATEVER, WE HAVE A PROBLEM, COLBERT. 6 00:00:16,583 --> 00:00:19,018 YOU HAVE TWO GUESTS AT THE SAME TIME, WHO IS GOING TO SIT NEXT 7 00:00:19,018 --> 00:00:20,553 TO YOU? Stephen: YOU ARE BOTH BIG 8 00:00:20,553 --> 00:00:27,093 STARS, I MEAN WHAT HE IS BIGGER, BUT IT SHOULD NOT MATTER WHAT 9 00:00:27,093 --> 00:00:30,363 CHAIR YOU SAID IN. Woody: DON'T ON MY LEG AND 10 00:00:30,363 --> 00:00:32,766 CALL IT MOUNTAIN DEW, COLLEGE BOY, WE KNOW THE SECOND CHAIR IS 11 00:00:32,766 --> 00:00:36,936 FOR LOSERS. Justin: MAKE A DECISION, 12 00:00:36,936 --> 00:00:43,810 STEPHEN. Stephen: OH, MY GOD, THIS 13 00:00:43,810 --> 00:00:47,147 IS SUCH A TOUGH DECISION. WHO? 14 00:00:47,147 --> 00:00:50,950 Announcer: THIS WEEK ON THE COLBERT NIGHT. 15 00:00:50,950 --> 00:00:53,153 XP ON SUCH AN AMAZING NIGHT, BUT I AM TORN. 16 00:00:53,153 --> 00:00:56,122 I AM NOT GIVING THAT CHAIR TO SOMEONE I DON'T SEE A FUTURE 17 00:00:56,122 --> 00:00:59,025 WITH. WHAT HE HAS A BIG HEART AND HAS 18 00:00:59,025 --> 00:01:04,831 BEEN NOMINATED FOR THREE OSCARS, BUT SPEAK IT IS A BAD BOY WHO 19 00:01:04,831 --> 00:01:10,637 DOES NOT PLAY BY THE RULES, WHO WILL I GIVE THE FIRST CHAIR? 20 00:01:10,637 --> 00:01:13,673 Announcer: TUNE IN LATER TO FIND OUT WHO STEPHEN WILL PICK. 21 00:01:13,673 --> 00:01:16,342 Stephen: IT'S GREAT HAVING YOU ON, WHAT WAS IT LIKE WORKING 22 00:01:16,342 --> 00:01:20,680 ON THE SERIES TOGETHER? A LOT OF FUN. 23 00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:26,252 Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 24 00:01:26,252 --> 00:01:32,025 TONIGHT BABY GOT TAPPED! PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES 25 00:01:32,025 --> 00:01:38,097 WOODY HARRELSON AND JUSTIN THEROUX! 26 00:01:38,097 --> 00:01:46,039 AND MUSICAL GUEST THE WALKMEN! FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND 27 00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:50,109 "THE LATE SHOW" BAND. AND NOW LIVE FROM. 28 00:01:50,109 --> 00:01:54,914 SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S 29 00:01:54,914 --> 00:01:58,017 STEPHEN COLBERT! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 30 00:01:58,017 --> 00:02:10,597 Stephen: HOW ARE YOU! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 31 00:02:10,597 --> 00:02:17,237 OH, MY GOODNESS! AND THIS CAN BE RIGHT, BABY! 32 00:02:17,237 --> 00:02:25,278 HAPPY TUESDAY! [CHANTING "STEPHEN"] 33 00:02:25,278 --> 00:02:29,582 Stephen: THANKS, EVERYBODY. WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," I AM 34 00:02:29,582 --> 00:02:35,922 YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. IT'S 2023, THIS IS TAX DAY. 35 00:02:35,922 --> 00:02:41,027 FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVEN'T DONE THEM YET, YOU HAVE 23 36 00:02:41,027 --> 00:02:45,331 MINUTES LEFT TO TRY AND REMEMBER YOUR TURBO TAX PASSWORD. 37 00:02:45,331 --> 00:02:47,534 THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO DECLARE ANY BIG TRANSACTIONS 38 00:02:47,534 --> 00:02:50,904 THAT MAY HAVE SLIPPED YOUR MIND, LIKE, DID A RIGHT WING 39 00:02:50,904 --> 00:02:54,207 BILLIONAIRE BUY YOUR MOM'S HOUSE? 40 00:02:54,207 --> 00:02:56,109 [LAUGHTER] BE CAREFUL, OKAY. 41 00:02:56,109 --> 00:02:58,311 I KNOW ONE COMPANY THAT'S GOING TO HAVE A BIG OLD TAX WRITE-OFF 42 00:02:58,311 --> 00:03:01,514 NEXT YEAR. BECAUSE ABOUT TWO HOURS 43 00:03:01,514 --> 00:03:05,652 AGO, FOX NEWS SETTLED THEIR DEFAMATION SUIT WITH DOMINION 44 00:03:05,652 --> 00:03:08,922 VOTING SYSTEMS, AVERTING A TRIAL. 45 00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:14,727 DAMMIT! I WANT MY TRIAL! 46 00:03:14,727 --> 00:03:19,265 YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PROVIDE ME SIX WEEKS OF DELICIOUS CONTENT! 47 00:03:19,265 --> 00:03:22,635 I WANTED TO SEE RUPERT MURDOCH PUT HIS HAND ON THE BIBLE AND 48 00:03:22,635 --> 00:03:32,679 BURST INTO FLAMES! [LAUGHTER] 49 00:03:32,679 --> 00:03:36,749 ACCORDING TO DOMINION, THE SETTLEMENT WAS FOR A GARGANTUAN 50 00:03:36,749 --> 00:03:43,456 $787.5 MILLION. THAT'S A LOT OF DOUGH-MINION. 51 00:03:43,456 --> 00:03:47,727 ADMITTEDLY, RUPERT MURDOCH IS LOSING HIS SHIRT, HERE. 52 00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:54,033 BUT NOBODY WANTED THAT. I GOT SOME MORE BAD NEWS BECAUSE 53 00:03:54,033 --> 00:03:58,237 REPORTEDLY, FOX NEWS WILL NOT HAVE TO ACKNOWLEDGE ON AIR THAT 54 00:03:58,237 --> 00:04:01,007 IT TOLD LIES ABOUT DOMINION IN THE WAKE OF THE 2020 ELECTION. 55 00:04:01,007 --> 00:04:04,577 BOO! WHAT THEY SAID. 56 00:04:04,577 --> 00:04:06,713 BOO, SIR! BOO, I SAY! 57 00:04:06,713 --> 00:04:10,717 I GUESS IT'S SATISFYING FOR DOMINION THAT RUPEY HAD TO FORK 58 00:04:10,717 --> 00:04:12,251 OVER A PILE OF CASH. BUT THAT DOES NOTHING FOR OUR 59 00:04:12,251 --> 00:04:14,287 DEMOCRACY. WHAT WE NEED IS FOX NEWS 60 00:04:14,287 --> 00:04:18,825 PERSONALITIES TO LOOK STRAIGHT INTO THE CAMERA, ADMIT THEY LIED 61 00:04:18,825 --> 00:04:24,330 OVER AND OVER AGAIN ABOUT THE 2020 ELECTION, AND 62 00:04:24,330 --> 00:04:27,300 - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 63 00:04:27,300 --> 00:04:33,673 THEN HURL THEMSELVES INTO MOUNT DOOM. 64 00:04:33,673 --> 00:04:36,442 FOX WAS QUICK TO RELEASE A STATEMENT SEMIACKNOWLEDGING THAT 65 00:04:36,442 --> 00:04:39,612 SOMETHING KINDA SORTA MAYBE HAPPENED. 66 00:04:39,612 --> 00:04:43,650 IT SAID, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL LET OUR FRIEND JAKE TAPPER 67 00:04:43,650 --> 00:04:48,287 ATTEMPT TO READ IT. SPEAK OF THE SETTLEMENT IS THE 68 00:04:48,287 --> 00:04:52,659 HIGHEST STANDARDS, WE ARE HOPEFUL-- 69 00:04:52,659 --> 00:04:58,297 SORRY. Stephen: OH, DON'T 70 00:04:58,297 --> 00:05:02,635 APOLOGIZE, JAKE. IT'S HILARIOUS. 71 00:05:02,635 --> 00:05:04,170 SO, THEY GOTTA COUGH UP A LOT OF CASH, AND FOX NEWS HAS BEEN 72 00:05:04,170 --> 00:05:07,707 EXPOSED AS A GANG OF CRETINOUS LIARS. 73 00:05:07,707 --> 00:05:11,878 WHICH IS WHY YESTERDAY, THEY TRIED TO DO SOME DAMAGE CONTROL 74 00:05:11,878 --> 00:05:14,347 WITH THIS FULL PAGE AD IN THE NEW YORK TIMES, 75 00:05:14,347 --> 00:05:18,418 BOASTING:"TRUSTED NOW. MORE THAN EVER." 76 00:05:18,418 --> 00:05:23,990 REALLY? CUZ YOU WERE JUST CAUGHT IN THE 77 00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:27,493 ACT. "HONEY, I'M HO--WHAT, YOU AND 78 00:05:27,493 --> 00:05:31,297 RICK, YOUR YOGA INSTRUCTOR?! I TRUST YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER, 79 00:05:31,297 --> 00:05:34,067 DARLING! OOH, IS THAT DOWNWARD FACING 80 00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:39,505 DOG?" OH, IT IS NOT. 81 00:05:39,505 --> 00:05:41,841 CLOSE THAT. ALSO, I WANT TO POINT OUT THE 82 00:05:41,841 --> 00:05:47,413 NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO TRUST THEM IN THEIR OWN CHART IS 41%. 83 00:05:47,413 --> 00:05:49,816 SO, LESS THAN HALF. KIND OF A WEIRD THING TO BRAG 84 00:05:49,816 --> 00:05:52,385 ABOUT. YOU NEVER SEE A TOOTHPASTE AD 85 00:05:52,385 --> 00:05:54,754 BRAGGING: "4 OUT OF 10 DENTISTS RECOMMEND. 86 00:05:54,754 --> 00:05:59,592 THE OTHER 6 KNOW IT'S JUST RELABELED HEMORRHOID CREAM." 87 00:05:59,592 --> 00:06:02,829 RECENTLY, THINGS HAVEN'T BEEN GREAT FOR FLORIDA GOVERNOR AND 88 00:06:02,829 --> 00:06:09,035 THREATENED CAT, RON DESANTIS. HIS POLL NUMBERS ARE SINKING, 89 00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:12,538 AND DONORS ARE PANICKING, SO YESTERDAY, HE DID THE ONLY THING 90 00:06:12,538 --> 00:06:14,907 A MAN CAN DO: BULLY A CARTOON MOUSE. 91 00:06:14,907 --> 00:06:18,978 FOR MONTHS HE'S BEEN FEUDING WITH DISNEY BECAUSE AFTER HE 92 00:06:18,978 --> 00:06:23,483 SIGNED THE "DON'T SAY GAY" BILL, THEY PLEDGED TO STOP GIVING 93 00:06:23,483 --> 00:06:28,254 MONEY TO REPUBLICANS. AND RONNY WANTS HIS CASH. 94 00:06:28,254 --> 00:06:32,391 SO HE REPLACED DISNEY'S BOARD WITH HIS STOOGES ONLY TO FIND 95 00:06:32,391 --> 00:06:34,861 THAT THE OLD BOARD SIGNED A LAST-MINUTE AGREEMENT WITH 96 00:06:34,861 --> 00:06:37,830 DISNEY THAT STRIPPED THE NEW BOARD OF MOST POWERS BEFORE THEY 97 00:06:37,830 --> 00:06:43,903 COULD COULD TAKE THEIR SEATS. DON'T YOU KNOW? 98 00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:45,738 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] OH, COME ON, RON. 99 00:06:45,738 --> 00:06:48,074 YOU ARE IN FLORIDA. YOU DON'T MESS WITH DISNEY. 100 00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:54,113 YOU AIN'T NEMO. THEY'LL NEVER FIND YOU. 101 00:06:54,113 --> 00:06:58,518 DESANTIS COULDN'T TAKE CONTROL OF DISNEYWORLD, SO NOW HE'S 102 00:06:58,518 --> 00:07:03,256 TALKING ABOUT WHAT HE CAN DO TO THE LAND AROUND THE PARK: HE'S 103 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:07,627 PEOPLE HAVE SAID, MAY BE CREATE A PARK, MAY BE DUE MORE 104 00:07:07,627 --> 00:07:10,396 AMUSEMENT PARKS. SOME SAID, MAYBE YOU NEED 105 00:07:10,396 --> 00:07:17,103 ANOTHER STATE PRISON. WHO KNOWS. 106 00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:19,305 Stephen: YEAH, A STATE PRISON NEXT TO DISNEY 107 00:07:19,305 --> 00:07:22,141 HE IS ABOUT TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT, AND HIS LATEST 108 00:07:22,141 --> 00:07:24,043 PROPOSAL IS "I'M GOING TO PUT FLORIDA CONVICTS NEXT TO YOUR 109 00:07:24,043 --> 00:07:27,013 CHILDREN." DESANTIS HAS MADE OTHER THREATS. 110 00:07:27,013 --> 00:07:32,051 HE'S FLOATED THE IDEA OF RAISING TAXES ON DISNEY HOTELS AND 111 00:07:32,051 --> 00:07:34,453 IMPOSING TOLLS ON ROADS THAT LEAD TO ITS THEME PARKS. 112 00:07:34,453 --> 00:07:41,093 OH NO, NOW GOING TO DISNEY WORLD MIGHT BECOME EXPENSIVE. 113 00:07:41,093 --> 00:07:44,730 [LAUGHTER] OH, NO. 114 00:07:44,730 --> 00:07:46,566 OTHER FLORIDA REPUBLICANS ARE ALSO LINING UP TO BASH DISNEY, 115 00:07:46,566 --> 00:07:48,768 LIKE STATE REPRESENTATIVE CAROLINA AMESTY WHO CLAIMED THE 116 00:07:48,768 --> 00:07:54,240 MAGIC KINGDOM IS "INDOCTRINATING" CHILDREN WITH 117 00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:58,211 "RADICAL GENDER IDEOLOGIES." YOU KNOW WHAT, YEAH. 118 00:07:58,211 --> 00:08:00,613 SHE IS RIGHT. REALLY MAKES YOU LONG FOR THE 119 00:08:00,613 --> 00:08:02,582 GOOD OLD DAYS WHEN DISNEY ONLY SHOWED WHOLESOME, TRADITIONAL 120 00:08:02,582 --> 00:08:07,486 RELATIONSHIPS LIKE A CANDELABRA TRYING TO BANG A FEATHER DUSTER. 121 00:08:07,486 --> 00:08:08,387 [LAUGHTER] SHE'S THE MOST FLAMMABLE OBJECT 122 00:08:08,387 --> 00:08:14,360 IN THE CASTLE! GET OUTTA THERE! 123 00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:17,496 THE CRAZIEST THING ABOUT ALL THIS IS DISNEY WORLD IS THE 124 00:08:17,496 --> 00:08:22,468 LARGEST EMPLOYER IN CENTRAL FLORIDA. 125 00:08:22,468 --> 00:08:26,239 YOU CAN'T ATTACK DISNEY IF YOU'RE THE GOVERNOR OF FLORIDA. 126 00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:28,641 THAT'S LIKE RUNNING FOR PRIME MINISTER OF CANADA ON THE SLOGAN 127 00:08:28,641 --> 00:08:41,020 "[BLEEP] MAPLE SYRUP!" DESANTIS ISN'T JUST LOSING HIS 128 00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:43,789 FIGHT AGAINST DISNEY, HE'S ALSO LOSING THE SUPPORT OF FELLOW 129 00:08:43,789 --> 00:08:48,694 FLORIDA REPUBLICANS, LIKE CONGRESSMAN GREG STUBEE, SEEN 130 00:08:48,694 --> 00:08:53,266 HERE AS THE COVER MODEL FOR THIS MONTH'S ANGRY BEEEEPER. 131 00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:55,368 STEUBE RECENTLY WENT ON RIGHT-WING TV TO THROW HIS 132 00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:58,704 WEIGHT BEHIND DESANTIS'S MAIN RIVAL. 133 00:08:58,704 --> 00:09:00,506 YEAH, ROB, I WANT TO GIVE YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK BACK-- 134 00:09:00,506 --> 00:09:03,609 THANK YOU TO GIVE ME THE OPPORTUNITY TO TALK ABOUT IT ON. 135 00:09:03,609 --> 00:09:09,415 I'M EXCITED TO ENDORSE DONALD TRUMP FOR 2024. 136 00:09:09,415 --> 00:09:11,851 HE SAID IT. HE SAID "DONALD J. 137 00:09:11,851 --> 00:09:20,860 CHUMP!" QUITE A FREUDIAN SLIP. 138 00:09:20,860 --> 00:09:24,897 "I'M PROUD TO ENGORGE "MY" PICK FOR THE SINNER OF THE 2024 139 00:09:24,897 --> 00:09:30,069 ERECTION: MOMMY." [LAUGHTER] 140 00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:32,505 THERE'S SOME NEWS ABOUT NEW YORK CONGRESSMAN GEORGE SANTOS. 141 00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:36,208 EVER SINCE HE LIED HIS WAY INTO OFFICE ON A CLOUD OF FANCIFUL 142 00:09:36,208 --> 00:09:42,281 VOLLEYBALL-HOLOCAUST MAKE-EM-UPS, SANTOS HAS FACED 143 00:09:42,281 --> 00:09:44,483 CALLS TO QUIT FROM FELLOW NEW YORK REPUBLICANS AND VOTERS IN 144 00:09:44,483 --> 00:09:47,053 HIS DISTRICT 78% OF WHOM WANT HIM TO RESIGN. 145 00:09:47,053 --> 00:09:53,125 OF COURSE, THE OTHER 22% ARE COMEDIANS WHO PLAY HIM ON TV. 146 00:09:53,125 --> 00:09:54,727 [LAUGHTER] NOT ONLY IS SANTOS NOT RESIGNING 147 00:09:54,727 --> 00:09:58,397 FROM HIS CURRENT TERM, HE JUST ANNOUNCED HE'LL RUN FOR 148 00:09:58,397 --> 00:10:01,934 RE-ELECTION IN 2024. VERY BRAVE OF HIM TO PUSH 149 00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:05,638 THROUGH. I HEARD LAST WEEK, HIS MOM DIED 150 00:10:05,638 --> 00:10:09,842 IN 9/11 FOR THE FOURTH TIME. [LAUGHTER] 151 00:10:09,842 --> 00:10:11,544 IN ORDER TO RUN FOR REELECTION, SANTOS IS GONNA NEED SOME MAJOR 152 00:10:11,544 --> 00:10:15,448 MOOLAH. SO FAR HE ONLY HAS $25,000 ON 153 00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:17,717 HAND. OF COURSE, WE DON'T KNOW IF HE'S 154 00:10:17,717 --> 00:10:19,885 GOING TO SPEND THAT ON HIS CAMPAIGN. 155 00:10:19,885 --> 00:10:22,455 HE COULD BE SAVING IT TO INVEST IN "SPIDERMAN 2:" "HAVE YOU 156 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:27,026 TRIED TURNING THE DARK OFF AND THEN BACK ON AGAIN?" 157 00:10:27,026 --> 00:10:28,227 [LAUGHTER] SANTOS IS ALSO TRYING TO JUICE 158 00:10:28,227 --> 00:10:32,598 UP HIS PROFILE IN CONGRESS. YESTERDAY, HE INTRODUCED SEVEN 159 00:10:32,598 --> 00:10:35,735 NEW BILLS, INCLUDING ONE THAT LIMITS VACCIE MANDATES. 160 00:10:35,735 --> 00:10:39,138 AND IT'S GROUNDED IN A PEER-REVIEWED SCIENCE 161 00:10:39,138 --> 00:10:44,343 PUBLICATION: NICKI MINAJ'S 2021 TWEET THAT HER COUSIN'S FRIEND 162 00:10:44,343 --> 00:10:48,647 GOT THE VACCINE AND HIS TESTICLES BECAME SWOLLEN, WHICH 163 00:10:48,647 --> 00:10:50,883 IS WHY GEORGE SANTOS'S ACTUAL BILL IS ACTUALLY CALLED: THE 164 00:10:50,883 --> 00:10:55,588 MINAJ ACT. [LAUGHTER] 165 00:10:55,588 --> 00:11:01,360 YES. I DON'T KNOW WHY. 166 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:05,164 PRESUMABLY HE DIDN'T CALL THE BILL "SWOLLEN NADS," BECAUSE 167 00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:06,365 THAT'S THE ALREADY THE NAME OF CONGRESSMAN JERRY NADLER'S 168 00:11:06,365 --> 00:11:10,469 WORKOUT CHANNEL. WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 169 00:11:10,469 --> 00:11:13,439 TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE WOODY HARRELSON 170 00:11:13,439 --> 00:11:17,610 AND JUSTIN THEROUX! WHEN WE COME BACK ITS 171 00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:19,678 "MEANWHILE," BABY! 172 00:11:39,999 --> 00:11:53,379 ♪ ♪ 173 00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:54,814 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Stephen: THE GREATEST BAND 174 00:11:54,814 --> 00:11:59,251 ON TELEVISION RIGHT THERE, "THE LATE SHOW" BRINGING OUT HOT 175 00:11:59,251 --> 00:12:04,824 AND HEAVY EVERY NIGHT. WE HAVE A COUPLE OF THINGS, WE 176 00:12:04,824 --> 00:12:08,894 HAVE TWO JUST FANTASTIC ACTORS IN JUST A MOMENT, 177 00:12:08,894 --> 00:12:13,032 WOODY HARRELSON AND JUSTIN THEROUX! 178 00:12:13,032 --> 00:12:16,702 THEY HAVE A NEW SHOW CALLED "THE WHITE HOUSE PLUMBERS." 179 00:12:16,702 --> 00:12:19,572 "THE WHITE HOUSE PLUMBERS," YOU GUYS ARE NOT OLD ENOUGH, YOU 180 00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:23,309 GUYS WEREN'T BORN WHEN WATERGATE WAS HAPPENING, WERE YOU? 181 00:12:23,309 --> 00:12:26,512 BEFORE '74? NO, I STILL LIKE YOU. 182 00:12:26,512 --> 00:12:29,915 [APPLAUSE] I WATCHED IT EVERY DAY. 183 00:12:29,915 --> 00:12:33,853 I USED TO WATCH BECAUSE IT CAME ON IN THE AFTERNOON LIKE I WOULD 184 00:12:33,853 --> 00:12:37,022 COME HOME FROM SCHOOL AND IT WAS LIKE 3:00, 3:30 AND NORMALLY I 185 00:12:37,022 --> 00:12:39,024 WOULD WATCH "THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES" "THE MONSTERS" OR 186 00:12:39,024 --> 00:12:42,928 "THE THREE STOOGES" BUT IT WAS THE GIANT EYEBROWS. 187 00:12:42,928 --> 00:12:50,035 AND I JUST WANT EVERYBODY TO KNOW IF YOU ARE OUT THERE AND 188 00:12:50,035 --> 00:12:53,739 YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO HAVE A COMPUTER, BECAUSE "THE LATE 189 00:12:53,739 --> 00:12:56,642 SHOW" IS NOMINATED FOR THREE WEBBY AWARDS. 190 00:12:56,642 --> 00:13:02,381 BEST COMEDY SOCIAL PLATFORM, "THE LATE SHOW," AND BEST 191 00:13:02,381 --> 00:13:16,662 CELEBRITY SOCIAL, RIGHT HERE. HERE IS THE WEBBY. 192 00:13:16,662 --> 00:13:18,831 DO WE HAVE THE THING, YOU GO TO THAT. 193 00:13:18,831 --> 00:13:22,067 YOU TAKE A PHOTO OF THAT, AND YOU GO TO THE INTERNET AND YOU 194 00:13:22,067 --> 00:13:25,804 DO THE THING, THAT VOTES FOR THE THINGS THAT WE GET THE THING. 195 00:13:25,804 --> 00:13:30,342 PLEASE DO THE THING. IT'S YOUR THING, DO WHAT YOU 196 00:13:30,342 --> 00:13:32,978 WANT TO DO. OKAY. 197 00:13:32,978 --> 00:13:36,649 FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME OVER THERE IN THE NEWS BURY, 198 00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,484 STEEPING AND MALTING THE MOST TOPICAL NEWS BARLEY, KILNING IT 199 00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:43,289 TO 4% MOISTURE, MASHING IT AND ADDING THE NEWSIEST STORY HOPS 200 00:13:43,289 --> 00:13:46,892 AND TOP-CROPPING YEAST THEN FERMENTING IT AT 64 DEGREES FOR 201 00:13:46,892 --> 00:13:50,829 3 WEEKS TO BREW THE FULL-BODIED YET ZESTY BESPOKE CRAFT BEER 202 00:13:50,829 --> 00:13:53,532 THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES I FALL OUT OF THE 203 00:13:53,532 --> 00:13:57,236 CEILING IN AN ABANDONED HIGH SCHOOL AND SOAK A DIRTY GYM SOCK 204 00:13:57,236 --> 00:14:00,439 IN A BROKEN BLEACH BOTTLE FILLED WITH STORM DRAIN WATER SO I CAN 205 00:14:00,439 --> 00:14:09,682 KEG STAND THE HOBO SWILL OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE, 206 00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:17,590 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] MEANWHILE... 207 00:14:17,590 --> 00:14:21,026 IN SCIENCE NEWS, "MALE CONTRACEPTION COULD BE EDGING 208 00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:23,362 CLOSER, THANKS TO A NEW GENETIC DISCOVERY." 209 00:14:23,362 --> 00:14:26,832 AND JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR, "EDGING" IS A TERRIBLE METHOD OF 210 00:14:26,832 --> 00:14:31,036 CONTRACEPTION. THE CONTRACEPTION MEDICATION 211 00:14:31,036 --> 00:14:34,673 WORKED IN MICE BY TARGETING "A GENE THAT'S ONLY EXPRESSED IN 212 00:14:34,673 --> 00:14:38,944 THE TESTICLES" WHICH CAUSED "DELETERIOUS MUTATIONS TO 98% 213 00:14:38,944 --> 00:14:42,815 OF THE SPERM WHICH HAD ABNORMALITIES IN THEIR HEADS AND 214 00:14:42,815 --> 00:14:46,452 MID-PIECES, RENDERING THEM UNABLE TO FERTILIZE AN EGG." 215 00:14:46,452 --> 00:14:48,254 ANOTHER GUARANTEED FORM OF CONTRACEPTION? 216 00:14:48,254 --> 00:14:55,995 USING THE PHRASE "DELETERIOUS SPERM MUTATIONS" OVER DINNER. 217 00:14:55,995 --> 00:14:59,632 MEANWHILE, A SPANISH CLIMBER HAS LEFT A CAVE AFTER 500 DAYS IN 218 00:14:59,632 --> 00:15:03,168 ISOLATION. OR, TECHNICALLY, 219 00:15:03,168 --> 00:15:08,374 "ITHO-LA-THION." HER ADVENTURE WAS PART OF A 220 00:15:08,374 --> 00:15:11,577 STUDY ABOUT TIME SPENT UNDERGROUND, IN A PROJECT CALLED 221 00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:14,346 'TIME-CAVE.' WHICH IS ALSO THE 222 00:15:14,346 --> 00:15:16,148 TITLE OF MY NEW LIMITED SERIES SERIES CO-STARRING JEAN-CLAUDE 223 00:15:16,148 --> 00:15:22,021 VAN DAMME ON PARAMOUNT PLUS. "TIMECAVE: THE ALGORITHM SAID 224 00:15:22,021 --> 00:15:31,497 YOU'D WATCH." MEANWHILE, EVERYONE IS TOTALLY 225 00:15:31,497 --> 00:15:35,367 FINE, BUT IN NORTH CAROLINA "THIS 13 YEAR OLD BOY GOT 226 00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:38,203 TRAPPED INSIDE A CLAW MACHINE." THEY WOULD HAVE FREED HIM, BUT 227 00:15:38,203 --> 00:15:43,275 HIS PARENTS RAN OUT OF QUARTERS. [LAUGHTER] 228 00:15:43,275 --> 00:15:47,212 MEANWHILE, DUE TO A FAILED JALAPENO CROP, A SRIRACHA 229 00:15:47,212 --> 00:15:52,584 SHORTAGE IS LOOMING. YES, I KNOW, IT IS BAD. 230 00:15:52,584 --> 00:15:54,119 MEANING SRIRACHA COULD SOON BE AS HARD TO FIND AS IT IS TO 231 00:15:54,119 --> 00:15:58,057 SPELL. OH, YOU THINK YOU CAN? 232 00:15:58,057 --> 00:15:59,024 JIMMY, BLUR IT. GO HEAD. 233 00:15:59,024 --> 00:16:06,131 TRY. S-R-I-A- THERE'S A C SOMEWHERE, 234 00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:08,167 BUT YOU'LL NEVER FIND IT-- YOU'RE LOST IN A TIME CAVE OF 235 00:16:08,167 --> 00:16:18,610 CONSONANTS! REALLY, APPLAUSE. 236 00:16:18,610 --> 00:16:20,846 MEANWHILE, IN LOCAL NEWS, NEW YORK IS NOW RANKED AS THE 237 00:16:20,846 --> 00:16:26,752 WEALTHIEST CITY ON THE PLANET. YES, NEW YORK IS SO RICH AND 238 00:16:26,752 --> 00:16:28,654 LUXURIOUS THAT WHEN THE SUBWAY CREEPS FLASH THEIR MEAT, IT'S 239 00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:38,430 WAGYU. [LAUGHTER] 240 00:16:38,430 --> 00:16:41,333 I WANT TO POINT OUT IN MY DEFENSE, I WANT TO POINT OUT IN 241 00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:44,069 REHEARSAL, THE GUY WAS FACING AWAY FROM THE CAMERA. 242 00:16:44,069 --> 00:16:51,176 AND WE DID NOT SEE ANY OF THE RUPERT MURDOCH STUFF GOING ON. 243 00:16:51,176 --> 00:16:55,714 I'M SO SORRY. MEANWHILE BAGELS, AKA: BUSINESS 244 00:16:55,714 --> 00:16:58,217 DONUTS. THERE'S A MAJOR NEW FOOD 245 00:16:58,217 --> 00:17:02,121 INNOVATION HERE IN THE CITY: "BEHOLD THE STUFFED-CRUST BAGEL, 246 00:17:02,121 --> 00:17:04,690 IT'S THE CREATION OF PHILADELPHIA CREAM CHEESE AND 247 00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:07,059 NEW YORK CITY BAGEL SHOP H&H BAGELS. 248 00:17:07,059 --> 00:17:10,896 IT'S THE BIGGEST NEW YORK CITY-PHILADELPHIA MASHUP SINCE 249 00:17:10,896 --> 00:17:15,601 GRITTY JOINED THE ROCKETTES. MEANWHILE, IN DOGGIE 250 00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:17,770 DOPPELGANGER NEWS, THE INTERNET IS HEAD OVER HEELS OVER A VIRAL 251 00:17:17,770 --> 00:17:22,808 PUP WHO IS A DEAD RINGER FOR SNOOPY. 252 00:17:22,808 --> 00:17:25,544 ISN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL? WHAT'S NOT QUITE AS CUTE IS HOW 253 00:17:25,544 --> 00:17:27,780 MUCH HIS OWNER LOOKS LIKE CHARLIE BROWN. 254 00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:32,151 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JUSTIN THEROUX AND WOODY HARRELSON. 255 00:17:32,151 --> 00:17:34,987 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] MUSIC 256 00:17:42,761 --> 00:17:49,301 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 257 00:17:49,301 --> 00:17:50,602 ♪ ♪ Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, 258 00:17:50,602 --> 00:17:58,710 WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW." LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 259 00:17:58,710 --> 00:18:02,481 YOU KNOW MY GUESTS TONIGHT FROM SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE MOVIES AND 260 00:18:02,481 --> 00:18:05,484 TELEVISION SHOWS. THEY NOW PLAY THE MEN WHO HELPED 261 00:18:05,484 --> 00:18:07,319 ORCHESTRATE THE WATERGATE BREAK-IN IN THE NEW HBO SERIES, 262 00:18:07,319 --> 00:18:13,358 "WHITE HOUSE PLUMBERS." NOW I APPRECIATE THAT YOU 263 00:18:13,358 --> 00:18:16,361 TAKE CHANCES. YES, WE HAVE GOTTEN RESULTS. 264 00:18:16,361 --> 00:18:20,999 BUT WE CAN'T HAVE ANY UPS, CAPUCHIN? 265 00:18:20,999 --> 00:18:27,139 IT'S TOO IMPORTANT. NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME, GEORGE 266 00:18:27,139 --> 00:18:30,976 COMING OR NOT A FEDERAL AGENT ANYMORE. 267 00:18:30,976 --> 00:18:38,116 YOU ARE AN INTELLIGENCE AGENT, YOU ARE A SPY, AND IF YOU WANT 268 00:18:38,116 --> 00:18:42,721 TO SUCCEED IN THIS LIFE WORK, YOU NEED TO BE WILLING TO BEND 269 00:18:42,721 --> 00:18:48,193 THE RULES AND COLOR OUTSIDE THE LINES. 270 00:18:48,193 --> 00:18:51,563 Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW" WOODY HARRELSON 271 00:18:51,563 --> 00:18:55,434 AND JUSTIN THEROUX! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 272 00:18:55,434 --> 00:18:59,505 ♪ ♪ 273 00:18:59,505 --> 00:19:05,611 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ ♪ 274 00:19:05,611 --> 00:19:08,514 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 275 00:19:08,514 --> 00:19:24,263 ♪ ♪ Stephen: I THINK-- 276 00:19:24,263 --> 00:19:28,000 I THINK WE GOT THE PEOPLE EXCITED. 277 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:37,342 Justin: SO EXCITED! Woody: [BLEEP] YEAH! 278 00:19:37,342 --> 00:19:44,349 Stephen: [LAUGHS] Woody: OH, [BLEEP]. 279 00:19:44,349 --> 00:19:50,489 Stephen: HOW NICE! HEY, >> St JUSTIN, I THINK WE HO 280 00:19:50,489 --> 00:19:54,092 KEEP YOU HERE TO SHEEPDOG THEM IN PLACE. 281 00:19:54,092 --> 00:19:58,263 Woody: YOU GUYS ARE A ROCKING CROWD. 282 00:19:58,263 --> 00:20:04,836 SPEAKING OF THAT SLIP, I DID NOT REALIZE SOMETHING UNTIL YOU 283 00:20:04,836 --> 00:20:16,048 DIVULGED EARLIER, WHICH IS THROUGH. 284 00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:20,919 EARLIER YOU SAID-- AND THEN YOU WENT TO HIM, AND HE 285 00:20:20,919 --> 00:20:24,990 GOES, YEAH, THERE IS A DISPUTE BETWEEN THE OLD GENERATION AND 286 00:20:24,990 --> 00:20:26,992 THE YOUNGER GENERATION. BUT YOU GOT TO GO WITH PEOPLE 287 00:20:26,992 --> 00:20:30,095 WHO ARE-- Stephen: SO TWO PEOPLE IN 288 00:20:30,095 --> 00:20:35,701 - YOUR FAMILY SAY? - - 289 00:20:35,701 --> 00:20:38,670 Woody: BUT THE OLDER ONES. Justin: THE REALLY OLD 290 00:20:38,670 --> 00:20:41,940 ONES-- Woody: I AM THROUGH WITH 291 00:20:41,940 --> 00:20:44,977 THEROUX. Stephen: IT'S LIKE COLBERT 292 00:20:44,977 --> 00:20:50,816 AND COLBERT, SO IT'S THE LAW FIRM OF COLBERT, COLBERT, 293 00:20:50,816 --> 00:20:57,856 COLBERT, AND COLBERT. DID YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER 294 00:20:57,856 --> 00:21:05,097 BEFORE YOU DID THE SHOW? Justin: WE DID A SHOW "LIVE 295 00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:11,970 IMPRINTING A STUDIO AUDIENCE" WHERE HE DID ARCHIE BUNKER. 296 00:21:11,970 --> 00:21:17,009 AND-- Woody: WHOOPS. 297 00:21:17,009 --> 00:21:20,345 Justin: THAT'S AWKWARD. BUT WE MET BRIEFLY THERE. 298 00:21:20,345 --> 00:21:23,715 AND THEN I WROTE HIM A NICE LETTER SAYING I THINK HE WOULD 299 00:21:23,715 --> 00:21:28,186 BE GREAT, THE FIRST GUY PASSED, AND SO WE WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO 300 00:21:28,186 --> 00:21:31,990 IT. Stephen: THIS IS YOU GUYS 301 00:21:31,990 --> 00:21:35,927 LAST NIGHT AT THE PREMIERE. I LIKE THE DIFFERENT FIVE TOO. 302 00:21:35,927 --> 00:21:41,500 WOODY, DID YOU NOT HAVE TIME TO CHANGE AFTER THEY DID OFFER HIM? 303 00:21:41,500 --> 00:21:46,772 Woody: I LOOK LIKE I'M GETTING MARRIED AT A FISH 304 00:21:46,772 --> 00:21:51,009 CONCERT. IT JUST FEELS WEIRD SOMETIMES TO 305 00:21:51,009 --> 00:21:54,646 WEAR YOUR TRADITIONAL, NOTHING AGAINST YOU GUYS, BUT THE 306 00:21:54,646 --> 00:21:58,483 TRADITIONAL SUITS. Stephen: THIS LOOKS GOOD ON 307 00:21:58,483 --> 00:22:00,552 YOU. IT LOOKS EXCELLENT ON YOU. 308 00:22:00,552 --> 00:22:04,423 HOW WAS [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] MAU? 309 00:22:04,423 --> 00:22:09,227 EVERYTHING GOOD? WELL, WOODY-- 310 00:22:09,227 --> 00:22:12,998 Woody: GOOD ONE. Stephen: THANK YOU. 311 00:22:12,998 --> 00:22:17,335 YOU HAVE BEEN IN THE NEWS LATELY, BECAUSE YOU'RE "TRUE 312 00:22:17,335 --> 00:22:21,173 DETECTIVE" STAR MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY SAID THAT 313 00:22:21,173 --> 00:22:26,545 WOODY HARRELSON COULD BE HIS HALF BROTHER, WHAT IS THAT 314 00:22:26,545 --> 00:22:33,251 STORY? WHAT IS GOING ON? 315 00:22:33,251 --> 00:22:40,625 Woody: THERE IS SOME VERACITY TO THAT THOUGHT BECAUSE 316 00:22:40,625 --> 00:22:48,433 WE TALKED TO MATTHEW'S LEGITIMATE MOTHER, AND-- 317 00:22:48,433 --> 00:22:50,335 Justin: WE WERE ACTUALLY WONDERING-- 318 00:22:50,335 --> 00:22:55,273 Woody: IT'S CRAZY, BECAUSE WE WERE IN GREECE AND WE WERE 319 00:22:55,273 --> 00:22:59,344 WATCHING THE U.S. TEAM WIN THE WORLD CUP, AND YOU KNOW, I DON'T 320 00:22:59,344 --> 00:23:02,481 KNOW. I MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT 321 00:23:02,481 --> 00:23:05,517 REGRETS AND I SAID, YOU KNOW, IT'S ODD THAT MY FATHER HAS NO 322 00:23:05,517 --> 00:23:15,227 REGRETS. AND I HAVE KNOWN MAMAC A LONG 323 00:23:15,227 --> 00:23:16,795 TIME. AND SHE SAID, I KNEW YOUR 324 00:23:16,795 --> 00:23:18,430 FATHER. AND IT WAS THE... 325 00:23:18,430 --> 00:23:23,568 THAT I FOUND TROUBLE. Stephen: THE PAUSE. 326 00:23:23,568 --> 00:23:26,204 Woody: THAT I KNEW... YOUR FATHER. 327 00:23:26,204 --> 00:23:29,174 Stephen: HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THAT? 328 00:23:29,174 --> 00:23:31,510 Woody: FILLED WITH INNUENDO. 329 00:23:31,510 --> 00:23:35,614 Stephen: A PREGNANT PAUSE, PERHAPS? 330 00:23:35,614 --> 00:23:43,355 YEAH, SO WAIT A SECOND. SO IS THERE A POSSIBILITY, HOW 331 00:23:43,355 --> 00:23:45,624 OLD? IN THE YEAR OF YOUR BIRTH, OR 332 00:23:45,624 --> 00:23:50,162 NINE MONTHS BEFORE THE YEAR OF YOUR BIRTH, IS THAT-- 333 00:23:50,162 --> 00:23:52,197 Woody: THE YEAR OF HIS BIRTH. 334 00:23:52,197 --> 00:23:58,937 NINE MONTHS BEFORE, SHE WAS ON A SABBATICAL FROM HER RELATIONSHIP 335 00:23:58,937 --> 00:24:02,574 WITH-- Stephen: DAD MC. 336 00:24:02,574 --> 00:24:04,176 Woody: HIS SUPPOSE IT FATHER. 337 00:24:04,176 --> 00:24:11,516 WE WANT TO GO ON TEST, BUT FOR HIM IT'S A MUCH MORE BIG DEAL, I 338 00:24:11,516 --> 00:24:13,485 MEAN, HE FEELS LIKE HE IS LOSING A FATHER. 339 00:24:13,485 --> 00:24:17,189 BUT I'M LIKE NO, YOU ARE GAINING A FATHER AND A BROTHER. 340 00:24:17,189 --> 00:24:20,325 Stephen: PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT THESE PHOTOS GOING, I WILL 341 00:24:20,325 --> 00:24:24,996 BUY, I WILL BUY HALF BROTHER. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 342 00:24:24,996 --> 00:24:32,204 JUSTIN, ONE OF YOUR-- I MEAN, THE OLD COSTAR, YOU'RE 343 00:24:32,204 --> 00:24:36,341 THE NEW COSTAR, HOW DO YOU FEEL? Justin: EVERYBODY THAT 344 00:24:36,341 --> 00:24:40,278 WORKS WITH WHAT HE SAYS, YOU WILL LOVE HIM, HE IS SO GREAT. 345 00:24:40,278 --> 00:24:45,183 AND IT'S TRUE, YOU WARM UP TO HIM A LITTLE BIT WHEN YOU WORK 346 00:24:45,183 --> 00:24:46,384 WITH HIM. AND I KIND OF WANT TO BE THE 347 00:24:46,384 --> 00:24:52,691 BROTHER TOO. AND IT'S NOT REALLY WORKING OUT. 348 00:24:52,691 --> 00:24:55,660 [LAUGHTER] AND I THINK WE COULD PROBABLY-- 349 00:24:55,660 --> 00:24:59,664 I MEAN, IT'S 2023, WE COULD PROBABLY-- WE COULD HAVE A 350 00:24:59,664 --> 00:25:02,267 BROMANCE AS WELL AND I DON'T THINK-- 351 00:25:02,267 --> 00:25:07,606 I DON'T THINK MATTHEW-- WE COULD HAVE A BRUPLE OR 352 00:25:07,606 --> 00:25:09,374 SOMETHING. Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A 353 00:25:09,374 --> 00:25:12,410 QUICK BREAK. BUT WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH 354 00:25:12,410 --> 00:25:14,212 MORE JUSTIN THEROUX AND WOODY HARRELSON, EVERYBODY. 355 00:25:14,212 --> 00:25:16,281 STICK AROUND. 356 00:25:20,585 --> 00:25:23,321 ♪ ♪ 357 00:25:23,321 --> 00:25:25,891 Stephen: OH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU ARE IN LUCK, 358 00:25:25,891 --> 00:25:27,959 BECAUSE ONCE AGAIN, IT IS THE STARS OF "THE WHITE HOUSE 359 00:25:27,959 --> 00:25:29,261 PLUMBERS" WOODY HARRELSON AND JUSTIN THEROUX. 360 00:25:29,261 --> 00:25:32,864 JUSTIN, IS HE HAS LAID BACK AS HE APPEARS? 361 00:25:32,864 --> 00:25:39,404 OR WHEN THE CAMERAS OFF, GOT TIME TO LEAN, GOT TIME TO CLEAN. 362 00:25:39,404 --> 00:25:42,641 Justin: NO, HE IS-- IT'S INCREDIBLE THAT HE IS HERE WITH 363 00:25:42,641 --> 00:25:49,614 TWO SHE WAS ON. [LAUGHTER] 364 00:25:49,614 --> 00:25:53,251 THIS IS NOT EVEN A JOKE. 10 MINUTES AGO I WENT INTO THE 365 00:25:53,251 --> 00:25:58,356 GREEN ROOM TO GET SOMETHING, WE WANTED TO TAKE A LITTLE NAP, AND 366 00:25:58,356 --> 00:26:01,559 I WILL COME UP FROM HIS NAP, AND HE WAS ANGRY. 367 00:26:01,559 --> 00:26:06,164 HE WAS NAPPING 10 MINUTES AGO. SO HE IS LAID-BACK. 368 00:26:06,164 --> 00:26:11,002 Stephen: SO ENJOYING THE SHOW SO FAR, ARE YOU, WOODY? 369 00:26:11,002 --> 00:26:14,039 Woody: YES, BUT IRONICALLY, I FOUND OUT SOMETHING ABOUT 370 00:26:14,039 --> 00:26:18,410 IT-- OF THE OTHER THING BESIDES THAT HIS NAME IS THEROUX. 371 00:26:18,410 --> 00:26:24,182 I FOUND OUT THAT EVERY 10 OR 15 MINUTES HE GETS HIS CLOTHES 372 00:26:24,182 --> 00:26:25,317 STEAMED. SPEW A NEW WRINKLE QUICKLY? 373 00:26:25,317 --> 00:26:30,755 Justin: I WRINKLE QUICKLY. Woody: THEY BROUGHT A 374 00:26:30,755 --> 00:26:36,294 BACKSTAGE. Stephen: YES. 375 00:26:36,294 --> 00:26:40,098 Woody: HE IS IN HIS UNDERWEAR, SOCKS. 376 00:26:40,098 --> 00:26:44,302 AND IS HANGING OUT HIS CLOTHES. Stephen: I DON'T WANT TO 377 00:26:44,302 --> 00:26:49,908 TELL, START A RUMOR. ABOUT YOU, BUT THERE IS A RUMOR 378 00:26:49,908 --> 00:26:54,479 THAT OCCASIONALLY YOU ENJOY CANNABIS? 379 00:26:54,479 --> 00:27:01,987 Woody: NOW LET ME DISPEL-- NO, I ACTUALLY, I JUST HEARD 380 00:27:01,987 --> 00:27:03,688 THAT ALL OF THE KIDS ARE DOING IT. 381 00:27:03,688 --> 00:27:07,492 AND I WAS LIKE I WILL TRY IT. Stephen: IT'S LEGAL NOW, 382 00:27:07,492 --> 00:27:12,864 YOU KNOW. HOW MUCH ON CRAFT SERVICES FOR 383 00:27:12,864 --> 00:27:15,400 THE SHOW, HOW MUCH WEED WAS THERE? 384 00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:21,206 BECAUSE I'M JUST SITTING NEXT TO THEM, AND MY ARM IS GOING NUMB. 385 00:27:21,206 --> 00:27:25,176 Woody: [LAUGHS] ANOTHER GOOD ONE, MY FRIEND. 386 00:27:25,176 --> 00:27:29,981 Stephen: THEY JUST DON'T GIVE YOU THIS DESK. 387 00:27:29,981 --> 00:27:33,752 Woody: ACTUALLY I DID OPEN A DISPENSARY CALLED THE WOODS IN 388 00:27:33,752 --> 00:27:36,654 L.A. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 389 00:27:36,654 --> 00:27:42,193 Stephen: REQUIRES APPLAUSE. I OPENED A DRY CLEANING PLACE IN 390 00:27:42,193 --> 00:27:43,862 CHICAGO! Woody: IT IS A HERCULEAN 391 00:27:43,862 --> 00:27:48,266 EFFORT, HONESTLY. BUT IT IS A VERY NICE SPOT. 392 00:27:48,266 --> 00:27:51,102 MOST BEAUTIFUL DISPENSARY ON THE PLANET. 393 00:27:51,102 --> 00:27:54,072 Stephen: REALLY? SOME OF THEM LOOK LIKE APPLE 394 00:27:54,072 --> 00:27:59,811 STORES. Woody: THE GREATEST CREW IN 395 00:27:59,811 --> 00:28:03,148 THE WORLD, AND THEY ARE HELPING YOU, AND YOU HAVE A GREAT 396 00:28:03,148 --> 00:28:07,419 OUTDOOR GIGGLE GUARD, WHERE YOU CAN SIT DOWN AND-- 397 00:28:07,419 --> 00:28:10,722 YOU SEE, YOU DON'T IMBIBE? Stephen: I DON'T KNOW, WHAT 398 00:28:10,722 --> 00:28:14,859 IS A GIGGLE GUARD? Woody: I'M GLAD YOU DID NOT 399 00:28:14,859 --> 00:28:16,961 ANSWER THE QUESTION. IT'S A PLACE WHERE YOU SIT AND 400 00:28:16,961 --> 00:28:21,232 THEIR CABANA AND IT'S GREAT. Stephen: WOW. 401 00:28:21,232 --> 00:28:24,202 Woody: I FEEL LIKE I AM NOMINATING THIS WHOLE-- 402 00:28:24,202 --> 00:28:29,607 Stephen: NOT AT ALL. Woody: WHAT ARE YOU OPENING 403 00:28:29,607 --> 00:28:32,210 UP, ANYTHING? Justin: I AM NOT A GIGGLE 404 00:28:32,210 --> 00:28:37,082 GUARD, NO. Stephen: A BUNCH OF ACTORS 405 00:28:37,082 --> 00:28:39,384 HAVE SAID THAT THEY SOMETIMES WILL CHOOSE THE PROJECT THEY ARE 406 00:28:39,384 --> 00:28:42,720 WORKING ON BASED ON THE LOCATION THEY GET TO SHOOT, DO YOU EVER 407 00:28:42,720 --> 00:28:49,961 DO THAT, JUSTIN? Justin: YEAH, OCCASIONALLY. 408 00:28:49,961 --> 00:28:54,966 Stephen: WHAT IS THE BEST? Justin: MEXICO, AUSTRALIA, 409 00:28:54,966 --> 00:28:58,403 LONDON, I HAVE SHOT AND GREAT PLACES. 410 00:28:58,403 --> 00:29:01,973 NOTHING TOO EXTRAVAGANT. UPSTATE NEW YORK WITH WOODY. 411 00:29:01,973 --> 00:29:06,478 Stephen: IT'S EXOTIC. Justin: VERY EXOTIC. 412 00:29:06,478 --> 00:29:09,447 ROCHESTER COUNTY. Stephen: AND MUST BE HARD 413 00:29:09,447 --> 00:29:13,384 TO TEMPT YOU AWAY, BECAUSE YOU LIVE ON MAUI, AND IT'S HARD TO 414 00:29:13,384 --> 00:29:16,688 FIND A LOCATION-- Woody: I ALSO LIVE IN 415 00:29:16,688 --> 00:29:21,526 TEXAS, BUT NO, I DON'T REALLY CHOOSE MY PROJECTS ACCORDING TO 416 00:29:21,526 --> 00:29:23,595 THE LOCATION. I TRY TO THINK ABOUT THE SCRIPT, 417 00:29:23,595 --> 00:29:28,099 THE DIRECTOR, THE OTHER ACTOR. Stephen: OKAY. 418 00:29:28,099 --> 00:29:30,535 Woody: I MEAN CALL ME CRAZY. 419 00:29:30,535 --> 00:29:35,306 YOU KNOW? CRAZY. 420 00:29:35,306 --> 00:29:38,610 Stephen: SURE. WE HAVE TO TAKE ANOTHER BREAK. 421 00:29:38,610 --> 00:29:39,444 BUT DON'T GO ANYWHERE. JUSTIN THEROUX AND 422 00:29:39,444 --> 00:29:40,745 WOODY HARRELSON WHEN WE COME BACK. 423 00:29:40,745 --> 00:29:42,814 COME ON, Y'ALL! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 424 00:29:50,688 --> 00:29:51,756 ♪ ♪ 425 00:29:51,756 --> 00:29:54,159 Stephen: RIGHT THERE, THE STARS OF "THE WHITE HOUSE 426 00:29:54,159 --> 00:29:56,761 PLUMBERS," WOODY HARRELSON AND JUSTIN THEROUX, YOUR COSTARRING 427 00:29:56,761 --> 00:30:01,299 IN THE LIMITED HBO SERIES "THE WHITE HOUSE PLUMBERS," THAT 428 00:30:01,299 --> 00:30:07,238 I WAS SAYING, I JUST LOVE WATERGATE. 429 00:30:07,238 --> 00:30:12,911 IT'S A FASCINATING STORY. YOU ARE E HOWARD HUNT, CORRECT? 430 00:30:12,911 --> 00:30:18,082 AND YOU ARE G GORDON LADY. AT FIRST I WANT TO GET INTO IT. 431 00:30:18,082 --> 00:30:26,925 THIS IS THE ACTUAL RATE HERE. THIS IS YOU AS LIDDY RIGHT THE 432 00:30:26,925 --> 00:30:33,298 THERE. Woody: I WILL SAY THIS, 433 00:30:33,298 --> 00:30:37,902 IT'S A SPOILER ALERT, BUT THIS GUY IS INCREDIBLE, WHAT A 434 00:30:37,902 --> 00:30:42,073 PERFORMANCE! YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE IT! 435 00:30:42,073 --> 00:30:43,408 THEROUX. Stephen: I HAVE TO TALK 436 00:30:43,408 --> 00:30:48,880 ABOUT THE 'STACHE. IS THIS ALL YOU? 437 00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:53,518 Justin: IT IS 100% THEROUX RIGHT THERE. 438 00:30:53,518 --> 00:30:54,786 Stephen: HOW LONG DID IT TAKE? 439 00:30:54,786 --> 00:30:56,421 Justin: IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS. 440 00:30:56,421 --> 00:31:02,460 Stephen: IT'S NOT JUST ANY MUSTACHE. 441 00:31:02,460 --> 00:31:07,532 IT HAS THE OVERHANG. Justin: THE TRICK IS TO 442 00:31:07,532 --> 00:31:10,969 GROW ALL OF THE HAIR OVER THE TOP OVER THE OTHER HAIRS SO THAT 443 00:31:10,969 --> 00:31:15,473 IT GIVES IT DONE NED FLANDERS-- Stephen: HOW LONG DID YOU 444 00:31:15,473 --> 00:31:19,644 HAVE TO SUPPORT THAT? Justin: THEY WERE LIKE DO 445 00:31:19,644 --> 00:31:22,080 YOU WANT TO WEAR A MUSTACHE GROWING OUT AND DO IT? 446 00:31:22,080 --> 00:31:26,884 SO I DECIDED TO GROW IT OUT AND DO IT. 447 00:31:26,884 --> 00:31:29,654 WHEN YOU LIVE IT WITH SIX MONTHS, IT'S A HUGE MISTAKE. 448 00:31:29,654 --> 00:31:34,292 IT'S LIKE ACTORS ARE LIKE, IT WOULD BE FUNNY TO HAVE A GOITER 449 00:31:34,292 --> 00:31:38,997 AND YOU ARE WAKING UP EVERY MORNING WITH IT. 450 00:31:38,997 --> 00:31:42,500 Woody: BUT LITERALLY WHEN WE WRAPPED IN ABOUT 14 SECONDS, 451 00:31:42,500 --> 00:31:46,938 THAT MUSTACHE WAS GONE. Stephen: WHAT DID YOU LEARN 452 00:31:46,938 --> 00:31:53,378 ABOUT THESE GUYS THAT YOU DID NOT KNOW BEFORE? 453 00:31:53,378 --> 00:31:57,248 AGAIN, THESE ARE THE GUYS WHO PLANNED-- 454 00:31:57,248 --> 00:32:00,985 Justin: THE MASTERMINDS WHO PLANNED THE BREAK-IN. 455 00:32:00,985 --> 00:32:03,021 THEY WERE ALSO CRAZY NIXON ZEALOTS. 456 00:32:03,021 --> 00:32:08,092 THEY THOUGHT THEY HAD TO KEEP HIM IN POWER TO WARD OFF 457 00:32:08,092 --> 00:32:11,429 COMMUNISM AND ARE COUNTRY, AND SOCIALIST IDEAS, AND WHERE THE 458 00:32:11,429 --> 00:32:16,801 GUYS THAT BROUGHT THEIR FAVORITE GUY DOWN, BUT WITH LIDDY, NOT SO 459 00:32:16,801 --> 00:32:20,838 MUCH HUNT, BUT HE WAS SORT OF THE ROGER STONE 1.0. 460 00:32:20,838 --> 00:32:26,644 THE STEVE BANNON 1.0, HE WAS THE ONE WHO WAS SHAMELESS, SO EVEN 461 00:32:26,644 --> 00:32:31,449 IN HIS LIFE JUST WENT UP. HE EVEN WHEN HE WAS CONVICTED 462 00:32:31,449 --> 00:32:36,587 WENT TO PRISON, HE JUST THOUGHT HE WAS FINALLY TAKING A BULLET 463 00:32:36,587 --> 00:32:39,257 FOR THE PRESIDENT. IT WAS A TRUE PATRIOTIC ZEALOT. 464 00:32:39,257 --> 00:32:40,992 Stephen: DIDN'T HE PROVE HIS LOYALTY? 465 00:32:40,992 --> 00:32:44,996 Justin: HE HAD WACKY THINGS WHERE HE WOULD PROVE HIS LOYALTY 466 00:32:44,996 --> 00:32:48,232 BY HOLDING HIS HAND OVER A FLAME OF A CANDLE FAMOUSLY, BUT 467 00:32:48,232 --> 00:32:52,470 CONQUERING HIS OWN FEARS, HE WAS AFRAID OF RATS, SO HE KILLED A 468 00:32:52,470 --> 00:32:56,607 RAT AND ATE IT. HE WAS AFRAID OF THUNDERSTORMS, 469 00:32:56,607 --> 00:33:01,579 SO HE WOULD LASH HIMSELF TO A TOP OF A TREE IN A THUNDERSTORM. 470 00:33:01,579 --> 00:33:04,015 Woody: HE WAS HUNGRY. Justin: BUT YES, HE WAS A 471 00:33:04,015 --> 00:33:08,820 BIT OF A WHACK JOB. ACTUALLY SAID IN THIS CHAIR AT 472 00:33:08,820 --> 00:33:12,824 ONE POINT A LONG TIME AGO. Stephen: G GORDON LIDDY 473 00:33:12,824 --> 00:33:14,659 DID? Justin: NOT IN THIS CHAIR. 474 00:33:14,659 --> 00:33:23,701 Stephen: HE WOULD NOT BE IN THE FIRST CHAIR. 475 00:33:23,701 --> 00:33:25,136 [LAUGHTER] WE HAVE SOME FOOTAGE OF THE TWO 476 00:33:25,136 --> 00:33:30,341 OF YOU TOGETHER. IT IS BOTH OF YOU AND YOU SEEM 477 00:33:30,341 --> 00:33:32,343 UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING. AND-- 478 00:33:32,343 --> 00:33:35,546 CAN YOU TELL ME-- Justin: FOR ALL OF HIS 479 00:33:35,546 --> 00:33:38,149 LAID-BACK [BLEEP] IS. HE IS PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST 480 00:33:38,149 --> 00:33:41,119 COMPETITIVE PEOPLE. SO WE WOULD GET INTO BROTHERLY 481 00:33:41,119 --> 00:33:47,392 PRANKS COMING YOU WILL WALK DOWN THE HALLWAY AND BE LIKE I'LL 482 00:33:47,392 --> 00:33:51,262 RACE YOU TO THE DOOR. THAT KIND OF [BLEEP]. 483 00:33:51,262 --> 00:33:52,497 OR YESTERDAY WERE DOING SOMETHING WHERE WE WERE DOING A 484 00:33:52,497 --> 00:33:57,068 JUNKET DURING THE SHOW, WHO CAN DRINK MORE WATER DURING THE 485 00:33:57,068 --> 00:33:58,569 JUNKET, AND THEN HE STARTS HITTING ME. 486 00:33:58,569 --> 00:34:05,877 YES, THANK YOU. Stephen: REAL ESTATE. 487 00:34:05,877 --> 00:34:09,814 Woody: WE WERE DOING THE SHOW, WE WERE DOING-- 488 00:34:09,814 --> 00:34:13,785 Justin: EASY. Woody: TWICE LIKE THIS. 489 00:34:13,785 --> 00:34:18,456 WE WERE SHOOTING IN A PRISON, AND THERE IS THE SCENE WHERE I 490 00:34:18,456 --> 00:34:24,729 HAVE TO PICK HIM UP. HE HAS A HEALTH EMERGENCY AND 491 00:34:24,729 --> 00:34:30,535 FALLS ON THE GROUND, AND THEN I HAVE TO PICK HIM UP, AND SORT OF 492 00:34:30,535 --> 00:34:33,404 SHAWSHANK STYLE, MAKE WAY! MY FRIEND IS NOT DYING ON MY 493 00:34:33,404 --> 00:34:39,210 WATCH KIND OF THING. AND WE STARTED THE TAKE, AND HE 494 00:34:39,210 --> 00:34:44,515 FELL OVER ON THE FLOOR, AND THEN I WENT DOWN TO PICK HIM UP, AND 495 00:34:44,515 --> 00:34:48,719 I JUST LIKE COULD NOT-- MY BACK WAS BREAKING, HE IS NOT THAT 496 00:34:48,719 --> 00:34:52,757 HEAVY OF A GUY. AND I AM SWEATING AND BLOOD 497 00:34:52,757 --> 00:34:55,026 COMING OUT. AND I FINALLY GOT HIM UP, AND 498 00:34:55,026 --> 00:34:59,831 EVERYONE STARTED LAGHING AT ME. AND WOODY HAD TAKEN WEIGHTS 499 00:34:59,831 --> 00:35:03,000 BECOME A BIG STAND UP AND PUT THEM IN EVERY SINGLE PART-- 500 00:35:03,000 --> 00:35:09,073 PUT THEM ON HIS WRISTS. AND SO-- 501 00:35:09,073 --> 00:35:10,508 Stephen: THIS IS THE REVEAL. 502 00:35:10,508 --> 00:35:20,551 THIS IS THE REVEAL? Woody: [LAUGHS] 503 00:35:20,551 --> 00:35:28,159 Justin: YOU ARE SUCH A-- [LAUGHTER] 504 00:35:28,159 --> 00:35:42,440 [APPLAUSE] Woody: YEAH! 505 00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:51,749 [LAUGHTER] HERE, TAKE A PIC. 506 00:35:51,749 --> 00:35:55,486 [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] 507 00:35:55,486 --> 00:35:58,089 Stephen: WOODY, JUSTIN, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HE 508 00:35:58,089 --> 00:36:04,195 HERE! "WHITE HOUSE PLUMBERS" PREMIERES 509 00:36:04,195 --> 00:36:05,663 MAY 1ST ON HBO. WOODY HARRELSON AND JUSTIN 510 00:36:05,663 --> 00:36:08,299 THEROUX, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A 511 00:36:08,299 --> 00:36:10,368 PERFORMANCE BY THE WALKMEN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 512 00:36:29,320 --> 00:36:31,622 Stephen: THEY ARE REUNITING FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A DECADE 513 00:36:31,622 --> 00:36:34,725 TONIGHT. PERFORMING THEIR HIT SONG, "THE 514 00:36:34,725 --> 00:36:46,337 RAT," THE WALKMEN. ♪ ♪ 515 00:36:46,337 --> 00:36:50,675 ♪ YOU'VE GOT A NERVE TO BE ASKING A FAVOR ♪ 516 00:36:50,675 --> 00:36:55,112 ♪ YOU'VE GOT A NERVE TO BE CALLING MY NUMBER ♪ 517 00:36:55,112 --> 00:37:02,053 ♪ I KNOW WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS BEFORE ♪ 518 00:37:02,053 --> 00:37:13,931 ♪ CAN'T YOU HEAR ME? I'M CALLING OUT YOUR NAME ♪ 519 00:37:13,931 --> 00:37:22,673 ♪ CAN'T YOU SEE ME? I'M POUNDING ON YOUR DOOR ♪ 520 00:37:22,673 --> 00:37:29,413 ♪ YOU'VE GOT A NERVE TO BE ASKING A FAVOR ♪ 521 00:37:29,413 --> 00:37:36,821 ♪ YOU'VE GOT A NERVE TO BE CALLING MY NUMBER ♪ 522 00:37:36,821 --> 00:37:46,130 ♪ CAN'T YOU HEAR ME? I'M BLEEDING ON THE WALL ♪ 523 00:37:46,130 --> 00:37:57,508 ♪ CAN'T YOU SEE ME? I'M POUNDING ON YOUR DOOR ♪ 524 00:37:57,508 --> 00:38:16,994 ♪ CAN'T YOU HEAR ME WHEN I'M CALLING OUT YOUR NAME? ♪ 525 00:38:16,994 --> 00:38:30,641 ♪ WHEN I USED TO GO OUT, I WOULD 526 00:38:30,641 --> 00:38:38,849 KNOW EVERYONE THAT I SAW ♪ ♪ NOW I GO OUT ALONE IF I GO OUT 527 00:38:38,849 --> 00:38:42,887 AT ALL ♪ ♪ WHEN I USED TO GO OUT I'D KNOW 528 00:38:42,887 --> 00:38:48,192 EVERYONE I SAW ♪ ♪ NOW I GO OUT ALONE IF I GO OUT 529 00:38:48,192 --> 00:38:55,199 AT ALL ♪ ♪ WHEN I USED TO GO OUT I'D KNOW 530 00:38:55,199 --> 00:39:01,138 EVERYONE I SAW ♪ ♪ NOW I GO OUT ALONE IF I GO OUT 531 00:39:01,138 --> 00:39:18,723 AT ALL ♪ 532 00:39:18,723 --> 00:39:24,862 ♪ YOU'VE GOT A NERVE TO BE ASKING A FAVOR ♪ 533 00:39:24,862 --> 00:39:28,165 ♪ YOU'VE GOT A NERVE TO BE CALLING MY NUMBER ♪ 534 00:39:28,165 --> 00:39:36,273 ♪ I'M SURE WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS BEFORE ♪ 535 00:39:36,273 --> 00:39:43,514 ♪ CAN'T YOU HEAR ME? I'M BEATING ON YOUR WALL ♪ 536 00:39:43,514 --> 00:40:01,098 ♪ CAN'T YOU SEE ME? I'M POUNDING ON YOUR DOOR ♪ 537 00:40:01,098 --> 00:40:17,047 ♪ ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 538 00:40:17,047 --> 00:40:21,786 Stephen: FANTASTIC. THE WALKMEN, EVERYBODY. 539 00:40:21,786 --> 00:40:23,120 THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." GOODNIGHT. 540 00:40:23,120 --> 00:40:25,790 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]