>> FLORIDA GOVERNOR
RON DeSANTIS IS IN THE EARLY PRIMARY STATE OF SOUTH CAROLINA,
SLAMMING WHAT HE CALLS THE WOKE MOB.
>> THE GOVERNOR WAS JUST IN SOUTH CAROLINA, WHERE HE
MENTIONED THE WORD "WOKE" AND "WOKENESS" DOZENS OF TIMES
IN HIS SPEECH. >> BECAUSE THE WOKE WAGE A WAR
ON WOKE. WE FIGHT THE WOKE IN THE
SCHOOLS. WE FIGHT THE WOKE.
NEVER EVER SURRENDER TO THE WOKE MOB.
♪ ♪
>> Announcer: IT'S
"THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT... YES WE CANNABIS.
FIRST, STEPHEN WELCOMES RACHEL WEISZ
AND DANNY TREJO. FEATURING LOUIS CATO
AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND. AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE
FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY,
IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HAPPY THURSDAY, BABY.
HAVE A GOOD SHOW. HAVE A GOOD SHOW, BABY.
HER THANK YOU. YOU'RE VERY KIND.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE
WORLD TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I'M COMING TO YOU FROM THE DANK,
GROOVED-OUT WONDER-PLANET KNOWN AS "CHILLAXIA,"
BECAUSE TODAY IS 4/20! SO SPARK IT UP, MY BONG BROS!
OR, MORE ACCURATELY, CONTINUE TAKING THAT 5 MILLIGRAM
GUMMY RIGHT BEFORE YOU SLEEP. KEEP YOU OUT.
AS ALWAYS, THE LATE SHOW'S 4/20 COVERAGE IS BROUGHT TO YOU
BY TACO BELL. TACO BELL:
WHEN YOU'RE HERE, YOU'RE HIGH.
OF COURSE, ALL THE WAY-GONE CATS IN MY AUDIENCE ARE HEP
TO THE DOOBAGE. THESE PEOPLE JUST SPENT AN HOUR
IN TIMES SQUARE OUTSIDE A DRAGON-THEMED QUASI-LEGAL
POT DISPENSARY. IT'S TRUE.
SO THEY ARE FEELING GOOD.
OR INCREASINGLY ANXIOUS. ONE RECENT STUDY ABOUT THE
WEED PROBABLY DOES NOT MAKE YOU MORE CREATIVE.
REALLY? NOT CREATIVE?
TELL THAT TO THE FRESHMAN WHO'S HOME FOR BREAK AND FORGOT
THEIR BOWL. HE'S GONNA FIND A WAY TO MAKE
A BONG OUT OF A GRANDFATHER CLOCK.
SPEAKING OF LIGHTING UP AND BURNING DOWN,
TODAY, ELON MUSK'S SPACEX LAUNCHED THE MOST POWERFUL
STARSHIP AND SUPER HEAVY BOOSTER ROCKET.
JUST SHOWS WHAT SCIENTISTS CAN ACHIEVE WHEN THEY PUT
THEIR MINDS TO A COMMON GOAL: COMPENSATING FOR ELON MUSK'S
PENIS. WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK.
SO LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS, LET ME EMPHASIZE
"UN-MANNED" LAUNCH. THERE IT IS, ALL SYSTEMS
NOMINAL. IT'S CLEARED THE LAUNCH PAD.
OKAY, TIME FOR THE BOOSTER TO SEPARATE AND...
OH! HOUSTON, WE HAVE A METAPHOR
FOR TWITTER! YOU KNOW, I WANTED IT TO GO.
THERE'S NEWS ABOUT MY PILLOW CEO MIKE LINDELL.
>> [BOOING] >> Stephen: SEEN HERE GETTING
A SWIFT KICK IN THE DUST RUFFLE.
A COUPLE YEARS BACK, INDELL TRIED TO PROVE HIS KOOKY 2020
ELECTION CONSPIRACIES AT SOME SYMPOSIUM,
CLAIMING HE HAD DATA SHOWING CHINESE INTERFERENCE AND SAYING
HE WOULD PAY $5 MILLION TO ANYONE WHO COULD PROVE THE
MATERIAL WAS NOT FROM THE 2020 ELECTION, ALL IN AN OFFICIAL
CONTEST CALLED "PROVE MIKE WRONG."
IT WAS THE EASIEST MAGA CONTEST SINCE "PROVE RUDY DRIPPY"
AND "PROVE ERIC SAD INSIDE!" WELL, NO SURPRISE, ONE OF THE
CONFERENCE ATTENDEES PROVED MIKE WRONG, AND NOW LINDELL
HAS BEEN ORDERED TO PAY $5 MILLION.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] POOR MIKE.
BETWEEN THIS AND THE BILLION DOLLAR DOMINION LAWSUIT, HOW'S
HE GOING TO COME UP WITH THE CASH?
"LOOK. I HAVE BEEN FORCED TO SELL MY
MOST PRECIOUS MY PILLOW OF ALL: MY MY PILLOW.
LAST NIGHT WAS OUR FINAL EMBRACE.
SHE ABSORBED MY TEARS WITH GRACE AND SENSUALITY, AS WELL AS
MY DROOL AND A LITTLE MUSTACHE FUNK.
GOODBYE, MY MY DARLING. MIKE'S GOING BACK TO WHAT
HE USED TO SLEEP ON: A GARBAGE BAG FULL
OF DAY-OLD HOT DOG BUNS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NOT A BAD LOOK. CAPTAIN LIONEL.
I LIKE IT. THE MAN WHO PROVED MIKE WRONG
IS A COMPUTER FORENSICS EXPERT WHO EXAMINED LINDELL'S DATA
AND FOUND THAT IT CONTAINED NO ELECTION FRAUD PROOF AT ALL.
SPECIFICALLY, HIS LAWYER SAID THE DATA CONTAINED
"NO RECOGNIZABLE DATA IN ANY KNOWN DATA FORMAT."
THAT'S NOT EASY, TO HAVE YOUR DATA CONTAIN NO DATA.
AND IT'S A BIT OF A RED FLAG. IT'S LIKE IF ARBY'S SLOGAN WAS
"ARBY'S: WE HAVE THE MEATS" WITH NO RECOGNIZABLE MEAT
IN ANY KNOWN MEAT FORMAT." IN LESS IMPORTANT LEGAL NEWS,
THE SUPREME COURT. PREVIOUSLY ON OUR JUSTICE
SYSTEM, YOU'LL RECALL, A TEXAS JUDGE BANNED THE
ABORTION DRUG MIFEPRISTONE. AN APPEALS COURT IN LOUISIANA
STRUCK DOWN THAT RULING, BUT SAID THAT SOME FDA APPROVALS
SHOULD BE HALTED, INCLUDING PERMISSIONS TO SEND THE PILLS
BY MAIL. I MEAN, IT'S 2023.
EVERYBODY GETS THEIR MEDICATION THROUGH THE MAIL.
THE ONLY REASON TO GO T CVS IS TO SHOPLIFT.
IN THE SEASONAL AISLE. THE CASE WAS APPEALED BY THE
BIDEN ADMINISTRATION TO THE SUPREME COURT.
THE SUPREMES WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE DECIDED IT BY NOW,
BUT YESTERDAY, SAM ALITO ANNOUNCED THAT THE SUPREME COURT
WAS DELAYING ITS DECISION UNTIL FRIDAY.
WELL, THEY HAD TO. CLARENCE THOMAS WAS TAKING
A VACAY ON HARLAN CROW'S YACHT, THE S.S. "NOT A BRIBE."
IT'S NOT A BRIBE. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE.
HOW COULD IT BE A BRIBE? ALITO PROMISES THE COURT WILL
RELEASE THEIR DECISION BY FRIDAY AT 11:59 P.M.
AND THAT IS EXACTLY THE TIME YOU RELEASE DECISIONS YOU KNOW
ARE GOING TO BE SUPER POPULAR. I'M GOING TO STAY UP LATE
AND WATCH IT ON RYAN SEACREST'S HANDMAID'S ROCKIN' EVE.
WE MISS YOU, DICK CLARK. WHATEVER THE COURT DECIDES,
THESE EXTREMELY UNPOPULAR POSITIONS ARE NOT HELPING
REPUBLICANS LIKE FLORIDA GOVERNOR AND CHIMP TRYING
TO FIGURE OUT THE WORDLE, RON DeSANTIS.
BANANA? NO B, NO N, NO A.
BANANA? DeSANTIS IS NOT ONLY LOSING
SUPPORT, HE'S GETTING PUBLICLY HUMILIATED.
THIS WEEK, HE WENT UP TO CAPITOL HILL TO TRY AND GET REPUBLICAN
LAWMAKERS TO ENDORSE HIM. THE DeSANTIS CHARM WORKED ITS
MAGIC RIGHT AWAY, AS YOU CAN TELL BY THIS TWEET
FROM TEXAS REPRESENTATIVE LANCE GOODEN.
"TODAY, AFTER CAREFUL CONSIDERATION AND A POSITIVE
MEETING WITH GOVERNOR DeSANTIS, I HAVE DECIDED TO ENDORSE
THE FORMER PRESIDENT FOR 2024." OH!
DAMN! RON!
ARE YOU A HISTORY BOOK IN FLORIDA?
'CAUSE YOU JUST GOT BURNED! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WOW. BOOM.
DeSANTIS CONTINUES TO MAINTAIN HIS CAMPAIGN PROMISE TO BE 100%
UNLIKEABLE, BECAUSE, AT HIS REQUEST, YESTERDAY, FLORIDA
EXPANDED THEIR "DON'T SAY GAY" POLICY THROUGH 12TH GRADE.
THIS EXPANSION OF INTOLERANCE BANS LESSONS ON SEXUAL
ORIENTATION AND GENDER IDENTITY UNLESS REQUIRED BY EXISTING
STATE STANDARDS OR AS PART OF REPRODUCTIVE HEALTH INSTRUCTION.
THAT MEANS THE ONLY PLACE STUDENTS CAN DISCUSS THESE
TOPICS WOULD BE SEX ED. "ALL RIGHT, KIDS, NOW I KNOW
YOU HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONS. LIKE, WHAT IS SEX?
WHY DO I HAVE THIS BANANA IN FRONT OF ME?
ARE BANANAS PART OF SEX? IS FRUIT SALAD AN ORGY?
WELL, DON'T YOU WORRY. ALL THOSE QUESTIONS WILL BE
ANSWERED BY ME, YOUR ANGRIEST GYM TEACHER."
BANANA? DeSANTIS IS ALSO RAMPING UP HIS
FIGHT WITH THE FOLKS AT DISNEY. A FEW MONTHS AGO, HE APPOINTED
A SPECIAL BOARD TO TAKE OVER THE GOVERNANCE OF THE LAND
DISNEYWORLD SITS ON. DISNEY SAID,
"HOLD MY $18 SOUVENIR CUP," AND STAGED A COUP THAT TOOK AWAY
ALL THE BOARD'S POWER. NOW DeSANTIS IS THREATENING TO
BUILD A STATE PRISON OR SOMETHING ABOUT AFFORDABLE
HOUSING. IT'S KIND OF VAGUE.
BUT THERE'S ANOTHER OPTION FOR THE MAGIC KINGDOM:
THEY CAN LEAVE FLORIDA. THAT IDEA IS GETTING A BOOST
BECAUSE A NORTH CAROLINA LAWMAKER HAS FILED A BILL TO
LURE DISNEY WORLD TO NORTH CAROLINA CALLED THE "MICKEY'S
FREEDOM RESTORATION ACT." [CHEERING]
I LOVE IT. I LOVE HOW STUPID EVERYTHING IS.
WHICH COINCIDENTALLY IS THE TITLE OF THE MOST BORING DISNEY
MOVIE, RIGHT AFTER "STEAMBOAT WILLIE FAMILIARIZES
HIMSELF WITH MARITIME LAW." IF PASSED, THE NORTH CAROLINA
BILL WOULD GRANT $750,000 TO EXPLORE THE POSSIBILITY OF
LURING DISNEY ACROSS STATE LINES.
I COULD LURE DISNEY WORLD TO NEW YORK FOR A FRACTION
OF THAT. DISNEY, MEET ME AT THE
MAGIC CAM-DOM. OKAY, HEAR ME OUT.
HEAR ME OUT, DISNEY. NEW YORK IS THE PERFECT PLACE
FOR DISNEY. THE SUBWAY IS BASICALLY A
URINE-SOAKED SPACE MOUNTAIN. SO TECHNICALLY IT'S ALSO SPLASH
MOUNTAIN. WE'VE GOT TONS OF TOURISTS,
OUR FOOD'S ALREADY OVER-PRICED, AND I'M PRETTY SURE THE RODENTS
HERE HAVE LEARNED TO WALK UPRIGHT AND SIGN AUTOGRAPHS.
THINK ABOUT IT. THINK ABOUT IT.
[CHEERING] WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT MY GUESTS ARE RACHEL WEISZ
AND I'M COOKING WITH DANNY TREJO.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"!
♪ ♪
>> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND, EVERYBODY.
LOUIS CATO AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND, EVERYBODY.
[APPLAUSE] OH, LOUIS.
>> Louis: OH, STEPHEN. >> Stephen: TONIGHT WE ARE
DELIGHTFUL PEOPLE. YOU KNOW DANNY TREJO.
CHARMING PROFESSIONAL ACTOR, TOUGH GUY, ALSO I DID NOT KNOW
THIS. HE'S A RESTAURATEUR.
HE'S GOT LIKE NINE RESTAURANTS IN L.A.
THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FANTASTIC AND HE'S GOT A
COOKBOOK OUT HERE, ME AND DANNY TREJO ARE GOING TO BE COOKING A
JUST A LITTLE WHILE, RIGHT OVER THERE.
THIS IS MY KIND OF FOOD. STUFF IS GOING TO BE WRAPPED IN
BACON. AND IN JUST A MOMENT, ONE OF MY
FAVORITE ACTRESSES, INCREDIBLY TALENTED AND A DELIGHTFUL
PRESENCE, OSCAR-WINNER RACHEL WEISZ WILL BE OUT HERE JUST A
LITTLE WHILE. HOW DELIGHTFUL.
FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME
IN THE NEWS KITCHEN, SLOWLY MELTING THE FINEST, MOST
TOPICAL BORDIER BUTTER TO SAUTEE STORY POTATOES AND SOME LEEKS
GROWN IN SOIL WITH A PH OF 6.5, BEFORE ADDING MARJORAM AND
THYME AND FINISHING WITH DANZEISEN CREAM
TO OFFER YOU THE DELICATE YET FULL-BODIED VICHYSSOISE
THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, I AM PECKED AWAKE
BY A SEAGULL IN THE COMMISSARY OF AN ABANDONED OIL RIG
WHERE I CHUCK HALF A DISCARDED CORN DOG, AN APPLE CORE,
AND 19 STALE FRITOS INTO A SLOP SINK OF EXPIRED
YOOHOO TO SERVE UP THE SEASQUATTER'S WINO GOULASH OF
NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT. >> MEANWHILE!
SOMETIMES THAT'S ALL YOU NEED, BABY.
COMFORT FOOD. MEANWHILE, A NEW RAPID TEST
COULD TELL YOU IF THERE'S SALMONELLA IN YOUR
CHICKEN. WE'VE ALREADY GOT A TEST
FOR WHETHER THERE'S SALMONELLA IN YOUR CHICKEN,
AND LET ME TELL YOU, THE RESULTS COME OUT PRETTY RAPIDLY.
STRAP IN. MEANWHILE, IN ORDER TO SCAN
THE CONTENTS WITHOUT DISTURBING THEM, RESEARCHERS BLASTED
ANCIENT EGYPTIAN LIZARD COFFINS WITH NEUTRONS.
HEY, SCIENTISTS, DO YOU WANT LIZARD ZOMBIES?
'CAUSE THIS IS HOW YOU GET LIZARD ZOMBIES.
MEANWHILE, NETFLIX, HOME OF PRESTIGE TV LIKE
"LOVE IS BLIND," "TOO HOT TO HANDLE,"
AND "HIMBO BEACH." WE MADE THAT LAST ONE UP.
BUT DON'T YA KINDA WANNA WATCH IT?
THIS WEEK WE LEARNED THAT NETFLIX IS ENDING ITS DVD
MAILING SERVICE AFTER 25 YEARS.
YEAH. REACHED FOR COMMENT,
BLOCKBUSTER SAID "VENGEANCE IS OURS."
OOH. A DISH SERVED COLD.
FOR ALL YOU YOUNG PEOPLE WATCHING, DVDs ARE LIKE LITTLE
METAL FRISBEES THAT PLAY LONG TIKTOKS, AND MAIL IS LIKE
EMAIL THAT YOU LICK BEFORE YOU SEND.
OH, AND EMAIL IS LIKE A LONG TEXT YOUR MOM SENDS TO MAKE SURE
YOU SAW THAT ARTICLE ABOUT HOW CRIME IS UP IN YOUR
NEIGHBORHOOD. MEANWHILE, IN OREGON, A MAN
THREW $200,000 IN CASH OUT OF A CAR WINDOW ONTO THE
INTERSTATE. BUDDY.
JUST GET AN EZ PASS. MEANWHILE, IN BASEBALL NEWS,
THERE HAVE BEEN SOME UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES OF THE NEW
PITCH CLOCK, NAMELY, MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL PLAYERS
ARE FINDING THAT THERE'S LESS TIME FOR SMALL TALK.
AS ONE PLAYER EXPLAINED, "HOME PLATE USED TO BE A PLACE
TO TOUCH BASE WITH CATCHERS AND UMPIRES, AND ASK THEM,
HOW'S THE FAMILY? WHAT'S UP?
THAT SORT OF THING. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE RIVALS!
THAT'S GOTTA BE THE WORST TRASH TALK EVER!
"WE'RE GONNA DESTROY YOU! ALSO, YOUR CARROT CAKE
AT YOUR DAUGHTER'S FIRST COMMUNION WAS DELICIOUS!
CARDAMOM? I WOULD NEVER HAVE
THOUGHT OF CARDAMOM! GET YOUR WEAK-ASS PLAY
OUTTA MY HOUSE! BUT PLEASE BRING THAT
CAKE TO MY HOUSE. BRENDA WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOU.
I'M SO SORRY ABOUT SHANNON. SHE WAS A WONDERFUL WOMAN."
YEAH, I AGREE. MEANWHILE, UP IN CANADA,
A BLACK BEAR BROKE INTO A VEHICLE AND GUZZLED
69 CANS OF POP. THAT'S INSANE.
THEY CALL IT "POP"? IT'S SODA.
IT'S NOT POP. WHAT IS THIS, ARCHIE COMICS?
THE WOMAN SAYS SHE DID EVERYTHING SHE COULD
TO SCARE THE BEAR AWAY, INCLUDING -- AND THIS
IS A QUOTE-- "REASONING WITH HIM," AND WHEN
THAT DIDN'T WORK, SHE SAYS, "I TRIED PSYCHING HIM OUT
BY TELLING HIM I WAS A BEAR HUNTER."
REASONING? "TELLING HIM"?
WHAT WAS THIS CONVERSATION? "HEY, LET'S BE REASONABLE HERE,
SMOKEY. I'M A BEAR HUNTER."
"YEAH? WHAT'S YOUR HUNTING LICENSE
NUMBER?" "2961."
"AH-HA! HUNTING LICENSES HAVE NINE
DIGITS! YOU'RE NO HUNTER!"
"YOU GOT ME!" "NO, I DIDN'T.
THIS IS A HALLUCINATION YOU'RE HAVING WHILE BLEEDING OUT
'CAUSE YOU TRIED TO REASON WITH A BEAR.
WANT SOME ORANGE POP?" WANT SOME POP?"
MEANWHILE, IN SCOTLAND, AN ULTRA-MARATHONER HAS BEEN
DISQUALIFIED FROM A RACE FOR USING A CAR DURING PART OF
THE ROUTE. I DON'T USUALLY SAY THIS, BUT
I THINK I COULD BE AN ULTRA-MARATHONER.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH RACHEL WEISZ.
♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. WELCOME BACK.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST THIS EVENING, I'M HAPPY TO
SAY IS AN ACADEMY AWARD-WINNING
ACTRESS YOU KNOW FROM "THE CONSTANT GARDENER,"
"THE FAVOURITE," AND MARVEL'S "BLACK WIDOW."
SHE NOW STARS IN THE NEW LIMITED SERIES "DEAD RINGERS."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," RACHEL WEISZ.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] HELLO.
ALWAYS LOVELY TO HAVE YOU ON. HAVE YOU BEEN?
>> Rachel: I'VE BEEN OKAY. WHAT ABOUT YOU?
>> Stephen: BEAUTIFUL. SPRING IS TREATING ME VERY WELL.
>> Rachel: IT'S TREATING YOU WELL?
>> Stephen: SPRING HAS SPRUNG FOR ME.
YOU ARE, AS EVERYONE KNOWS, YOU'RE A MOVIE STAR,
OSCAR-WINNER, YOU ARE MARRIED TO DANIEL CRAIG.
HERE'S THE THING. YOU GUYS ARE PRETTY GLITTERY
COUPLE BUT YOU HAVE MANAGED TO LIVE A PRETTY NONCELEBRITY,
NORMAL, DOWN-HOME LIFE. LET'S END THAT RIGHT NOW.
>> Rachel: OKAY. >> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU DOING
AT HOME THESE DAYS? >> Rachel: WELL, WHAT'S THE
BIGGEST NEWS FROM HOME? >> Stephen: JUST FOR FUN?
>> Rachel: DANIEL AND OUR DAUGHTER HAD BEEN WATCHING
"STAR WARS." >> Stephen: REALLY?
HOW OLD IS YOUR DAUGHTER? >> Rachel: NEARLY FIVE.
>> Stephen: PRETTY YOUNG FOR "STAR WARS."
>> Rachel: THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
IT WAS LIKE A FATHER DAUGHTER BONDING EXPERIENCE AND THEY
STARTED ON THE ORIGINAL ONES. IS IT RETURN OF THE JEDI?
>> Stephen: "STAR WARS," STARTS WITH "STAR WARS."
THE FIRST ONE IS CALLED "STAR WARS."
THAT'S WHY THEY ARE CALLED "STAR WARS" MOVIES.
>> Rachel: I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. ARE YOU A FAN?
>> Stephen: AM I A FAN? I HAVE BEEN ALIVE FOR THE LAST
40 YEARS. HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW THAT IT WAS
CALLED "STAR WARS"? HAVE YOU NOT SEEN "STAR WARS"?
>> Rachel: UM... >> Stephen: LET'S GET TO THAT
IN A MINUTE. >> Rachel: I THINK AS A KID I
PROBABLY DID. I'M NOT DEEP INTO IT.
MY DAUGHTER AND HER DAD, MY DAUGHTER GOT OBSESSED.
SHE KEPT SAYING, GOOGLE THIS. GOOGLE THIS.
WHAT IS DARTH VADER LOOK LIKE UNDER HIS MASK.
>> Stephen: SHE WANTS TO JUMP THE GUN AND GET TO THE LAST
EPISODE. >> Rachel: SHE WANTS TO KNOW
EVERYTHING. I SAID TO HER DAD, I THINK THIS
IS TOO MUCH FOR HER. IT'S TOO INTENSE AND ALL THAT
KIND OF STUFF AND SO HE DECIDED TO TELL HER THAT "STAR WARS" IS
BROKEN. SO WE WERE IN LONDON WHEN THIS
HAPPENED. SHE SAID --
DAD SAID "STAR WARS" IS BROKEN SO THEY CAN'T WATCH IT ANYMORE.
WE JUST GOT TO NEW YORK, AND SAID HIS "STAR WARS" BROKEN IN
NEW YORK TOO? >> Stephen: SHE IS SMART.
PLAYING BANGLES. WAS HE HOPING TO GET HER ALL THE
WAY THROUGH "THE FORCE AWAKENS" SO HE COULD POINT AT THAT ONE
STORMTROOPER AND SAY THAT'S ME? >> Rachel: ACTUALLY DID SHOW
HER THAT SCENE. HE DID.
THAT WAS A MUCH MORE RECENT "STAR WARS."
>> Stephen: HOW MANY SHE WATCHED?
>> Rachel: I THINK THE FIRST THREE.
>> Stephen: HOW MANY HAVE
THERE BEEN? >> Rachel: [LAUGHS]
>> Stephen: HOW MANY "STAR WARS" MOVIES HAVE THERE
BEEN? >> Rachel: IT'S LIKE A PARLOR
GAME. 12?
>> Stephen: THIS IS THE PART OF THE MOVIE WHERE WE FIND OUT
THAT YOU'RE THE ALIEN. OKAY.
>> Rachel: IT'S LIKE MORK AND MINDY.
>> Stephen: WHAT? "STAR WARS" IS VERY MUCH LIKE
MORK AND MINDY. YOU ARE MORK AND I AM MINDY.
>> Rachel: I MEAN MY LACK OF KNOWLEDGE OF EARTHLY THINGS.
>> Stephen: WILL MOVE ON. IT'S NOT THAT IMPORTANT BUT IT
COULD BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I'VE EVER ASKED YOU.
TO SEE IF YOU KNOW THE FIRST "STAR WARS" MOVIE, IF I SAID THE
PHRASE "THAT'S NO MOON," WOULD YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WAS REFERRING
TO? WHAT'S THE THING THEY'RE TRYING
TO DESTROY IN THE MOVIE? DON'T TELL HER.
>> Rachel: DARTH VADER? >> Stephen: WHAT IS THE THING
THEY USE IN ORDER -- IT'S A SP SPIRITUAL THING.
>> Rachel: THE FORCE. >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
ONTO THE NEXT ROUND. [LAUGHTER]
YOU ARE STARRING IN AND PRODUCING THIS NEW LIMITED
SERIES CALLED "DEAD RINGERS," WHICH IS, IT'S A REIMAGINING OF
THE 1988 DAVID KRONENBERG FILM. THAT WAS STARRING JEREMY IRONS.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE ORIGINAL? >> Rachel: YES.
>> Stephen: IT'S EXTRAORDINARY.
>> Rachel: IS A MASTERPIECE, ICONIC AND INCREDIBLE.
IT'S NOT A FILM, IT'S TELEVISION, TOO ICONIC TO REMAKE
AS A FILM. >> Stephen: YOU'VE REIMAGINED
IT IN A NEW WAY WITH CHARACTERS THAT ARE BOTH YOU BECAUSE
SPOILER ALERT: THE TWINS ARE THE LEADS AND YOU PLAY BOTH OF THEM.
>> Rachel: IDENTICAL TWINS. >> Stephen: EXACTLY, WHICH FOR
THOSE OF US WHO ARE FANS OF RACHEL WEISZ, IT'S FANTASTIC
BECAUSE IT'S TWICE THE WEISZ, WHICH IS TWICE AS NICE.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DID NOT SEE THE MOVIE AND CAN STILL SLEEP AT
NIGHT, TELL THE PEOPLE WHAT "DEAD RINGERS" IS ABOUT.
>> Rachel: IT'S ABOUT... [CLEARS THROAT]
EXCUSE ME. TWO IDENTICAL TWINS WHO ARE
OB-GYNs, THEY LIVE IN MANHATTAN.
THE MOVIE OR THE TV SHOW? >> Stephen: I WANT YOU TO TELL
THEM WHAT YOUR SHOW IS ABOUT. >> Rachel: OKAY.
>> Stephen: ACTUALLY, YOU SAY ANYTHING YOU WANT.
>> Rachel: ANYTHING AT ALL. IN FRENCH?
EN FRANCAIS? TWO IDENTICAL TWINS WHO LIVE IN
MANHATTAN. TOP OF THEIR GAME
PROFESSIONALLY, THEY ARE BRILLIANT.
THEY ARE THE DOCTORS EVERYONE WANTS TO SEE TO DELIVER BABIES.
>> Stephen: DR. CELEBRITIES. >> Rachel: YEAH, THEY ARE
FABULOUS. DR. CELEBRITIES.
BUT THEIR PRIVATE LIVES ARE MASSIVELY DYSFUNCTIONAL.
THEY ARE CODEPENDENT AND REALLY TWISTED, DYSFUNCTIONAL WAY,
BEVERLY IS THE SHY INTROVERTED CAREFUL ONE WHO WANTS TO RAISE
MONEY FOR BIRTHING CENTER. SHE HAS NOBLE DREAMS AND
CHANGING THE WORLD FOR WOMEN. AND THEN HER SISTER IS KIND OF
WILD, DOES A LOT OF DRUGS, SHE'S HUNGRY.
HAS AN APPETITE. AN APPETITE FOR FOOD, SEX, MEN,
SHE'S NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN DELIVERING BABIES.
SHE LIKES SCIENCE AND SHE WANTS PRIVATE FUNDING AND A PRIVATE
LAB SO SHE CAN DO THINGS THAT ARE ESSENTIALLY NOT REGULATED BY
THE FDA SO SHE IS DOING SOME CRAZY SCIENCE.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK BUT WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH MORE RACHEL WEISZ, EVERYBODY.
STICK AROUND.
♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
LOOK AT THAT. IT'S RACHEL WEISZ, THE STAR OF
THE NEW LIMITED SERIES "DEAD RINGERS."
HAVE YOU EVER PLAYED TWINS BEFORE?
>> Rachel: I HAVEN'T. >> Stephen: IS IT DIFFICULT?
I HAVE TO IMAGINE THESE CHARACTERS EXPRESS THEMSELVES IN
VERY DIFFERENT WAYS. >> Rachel: NO.
ALEX BURGE, WHO WROTE THE SCRIPT, SHE IS BRILLIANT, SHE
JUST WROTE ON THE PAGE TO RADICALLY DIFFERENT CHARACTERS
WHO ARE PSYCHOLOGICAL DIFFERENT IN EVERY WAY.
IT'S LIKE IN STREETCAR AND NAMED DESIRE, DID I GET CONFUSED
BETWEEN BLANCHE AND STELLA? >> Stephen: HOW DO YOU DO THE
SCENES WITH YOURSELF? WOULD YOU SHOOT A DAY AS BEVERLY
AND A DAY AS ELLIOT? >> Rachel: NO.
IF WE WERE DOING THIS SCENE NOW, WE WOULD JUST FINISH, I HAD BEEN
ELLIOT THAT I WOULD RUN AND CHANGING TO BEVERLY AND THEN SIT
OVER THERE. >> Stephen: DID SOMEONE PLAY
THE OTHER PERSON. >> Rachel: YES.
I HAD AN ACTING PARTNER, KATIE HAWTHORNE, WAGES, OUT OF DRAMA
SCHOOL. BRILLIANT ACTRESS.
>> Stephen: SOME PEOPLE HAVE FANTASIES WHEN THEY ARE YOUNGER
THEY IDENTICAL TWIN TO THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH SHENANIGANS AND
OTHER STUFF LIKE THAT. WOULD YOU WANT AN IDENTICAL
TWIN? >> Rachel: I MEAN, I THINK
WHEN YOU'RE A KID, IT WOULD'VE BEEN FUN.
IF YOU ARE BAD AT MATH I DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE A HISTORY EXAM, YOU
COULD SEND HER SISTER, SWAP OUT. THE TWINS IN THE SHOW,
"DEAD RINGERS," THEY HAD BEEN DOING THAT SINCE THEY WERE
CHILDREN. NOW THEY ARE GROWN-UPS.
BEVERLY IS SHY SO ELLIOTT PROCURES LOVERS FOR HER.
ELLIOTT GOES AND GETS A LOVER FOR HER AND THEN THEY SWAP.
THEY HAVE BEEN DECEIVING PEOPLE A LOT.
NOT JUST IN HISTORY CLASSES KIDS, IT'S GOTTEN PRETTY INTENSE
AS GROWN-UPS. >> Stephen: WOW.
>> Rachel: YEAH. [LAUGHS]
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP HERE.
WHAT ARE WE ABOUT TO SEE? >> Rachel: WE ARE ABOUT TO SEE
THE TWINS, ELLIOTT AND BEVERLY, GOING UPSTATE NEW YORK TO MEET
SOME BILLIONAIRES. IT'S AN EPISODE TWO.
THEY WANT $15 MILLION FOR THIS BIRTHING CENTER AND LAB IN THIS
FAMILY THAT THEY ARE GOING TO SEE, IT'S KIND OF A SUCCESSION
TYPE EPISODE. MONSTROUSLY RICH PEOPLE WHO HAVE
NO MORAL FIBER OR BACKBONE BUT HAVE THE MOST DELICIOUS DIALOGUE
AND YOU CAN TAKE YOUR EYES OFF THEM.
THEY'RE GOING UPSTATE. BEVERLY IS BEING A NERD AND
TRYING TO STUDY AND ELLIOTT IS GONE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU
NERD? THAT'S BASICALLY THE CLIP.
>> WHAT IS THIS? >> HELLO?
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING. >> TRYING TO GET HIS MONEY.
>> THESE ARE PIE CHARTS AND BAR GRAPHS.
>> HELLO? >> HOW ARE YOU PLANNING ON USING
THIS, YOU NERD? >> OH, MY GOSH, YOU STILL JUST
THAT 14-YEAR-OLD WANKING INTO ALGEBRA HOMEWORK.
IT >> THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. >> BASICALLY IT DID.
ELLIOTT! [APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT YOU'RE AN INCREDIBLY GIFTED
ACTRESS, OSCAR-WINNER AND YOUR PERFORMANCE IN THE CONSTANT
GARDENER IS ONE OF THE GREATEST THINGS I'VE EVER SEEN BUT YOU
ARE SO FUNNY, REALLY FUNNY ACTRESS.
BESIDES PEOPLE KNOW YOU FROM "THE MUMMY" MOVIES.
DO YOU HAVE SOMEONE YOU ADMIRE, FAVORITE COMEDIAN?
>> Rachel: SOMEONE THAT I WOULD SAY THAT I'M NOT VERY LIKE
THAT WHO I VERY MUCH ADMIRE HIS WILL FERRELL.
>> Stephen: SURE. I WOULD NOT MIX YOU UP.
>> Rachel: VERY DIFFERENT SKILL SETS.
YEAH, I LOVE OLD SCHOOL. FRANK THE TANK.
>> Stephen: SURE, EXACTLY. >> Rachel: RUNNING NAKED DOWN
THE STREET AND HIS WIFE. >> Stephen: EXACTLY.
NO GREATER COMPLEMENT YOU CAN GIVE A MAN THEN SANG THE
FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IS YOU NAKED.
[LAUGHTER] WELL, RACHEL, AND LOVELY TO SEE
YOU AGAIN. SO NICE.
"DEAD RINGERS" PREMIERES TOMORROW ON PRIME VIDEO.
IT'S RACHEL WEISZ, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DANNY
TREJO.
♪ ♪ >> Stephen: LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW."
FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS. FOLKS, YOU KNOW MY NEXT GUEST
AS AN ACTOR FROM "HEAT," "SPY KIDS," AND "BREAKING BAD."
BUT YOU MAY NOT KNOW HE'S ALSO A RESTAURANTEUR
AND COOKBOOK AUTHOR. PLEASE WELCOME DANNY TREJO.
DANI, GOOD TO S SEE YOU. AMAZING PEOPLE.
DANNY, I WAS THRILLED TO HEAR THAT I'D BE COOKING WITH YOU FOR
THE FIRST TIME WE WERE EVER TOGETHER.
WHAT ARE WE STARTING OFF WITH? >> Danny: WE ARE STARTING OFF
WITH WATERMELON OGLALA FRESCA. >> Stephen: TAKE ME THROUGH I
IT. >> Stephen: THIS IS FROM THE
BOOK "TREJO'S CANTINA." >> Danny: OUR SECOND BOOK.
MY THIRD BOOK. I DID ONE CALLED "TREJO: MY LIFE
OF REDEMPTION, CRIME, AND HOLLYWOOD."
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF YOU, THIS IS A NONALCOHOLIC COCKTAIL.
>> Danny: WE PUT NONALCOHOLIC DRINKS IN THE RESTAURANT BECAUSE
A LOT OF TIMES PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO DRINK I DON'T WANT TO EXPLAIN
WHY THEY AREN'T DRINKING. FIRST OFF, THE WATERMELON.
>> Stephen: IN THE BLENDER? >> Danny: IN THE LENDER.
>> Danny: THEN SUGAR. FRESH LIME.
>> Stephen: WE WILL DO THIS TO PROVE THAT IT'S FRESH LIME.
HOW SPICY ARE GOING TO GET HERE? >> Danny: THAT SPOON CONFUSES
ME. IT SAYS SERVING, GRANDMA
SERVING. >> Stephen: THAT'S ALL GRANDMA
CAN HANDLE? HOW ABOUT ICE?
ICE. >> Danny: HIT IT.
OH, WAIT! [LAUGHTER]
IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.
>> Stephen: DO YOU DO THE COOKING AT THESE RESTAURANTS?
>> Danny: ABSOLUTELY. THERE'S TIMES WHEN I SHOW UP.
HEY! >> Stephen: HAVE YOU BEEN!
>> Danny: I'VE BEEN GREAT! THINGS ARE GREAT.
LOVE YOUR SHOW. >> Stephen: HERE, CHEERS.
>> Danny: OOH. >> Stephen: IT'S REALLY
FANTASTIC. >> Danny: IF YOU'RE IN
LOS ANGELES, YOU'VE GOT A JOB. >> Stephen: I'LL BE THERE M
MAY 2ND. NOW, DANNY, I UNDERSTAND YOU
DESCRIBING YOURSELF
YOU HAVE A DISTINCT WAY OF DESCRIBING YOURSELF.
>> Danny: A THUG THAT HUGS. I USED TO BE BAD GUY AND I JUST
LOVE UGGING PEOPLE. >> Stephen: I'LL DRINK TO
THAT. ONE WAY MOVING ON TO?
WHAT IS A DANGER DOG? >> Danny: DANGER DOG, HOT DOG.
>> Stephen: HOT DOGS BY THEIR NATURE KIND OF DANGEROUS.
THEY WON'T TELL US WHAT'S IN THEM.
>> Danny: IT'S KIND OF, HOW DO YOU SAY IT, SECRET.
FIRST THING WE DO. WE WRAPPED THE HOTDOG IN BACON.
THIS IS, LIKE. >> Stephen: REALLY, DANNY?
>> Danny: PART OF OUR HEALTH FOOD.
>> Stephen: IT'S NOT A RECIPE, IT'S A CRY FOR HELP.
NOW THE HOTDOG GOES IN. >> Danny: THE HOTDOG GOES IN.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A GOOD SOUND.
>> Danny: THAT'S A GOOD SOUND. NOW, IT COMES OUT.
>> Stephen: I WANT TO COOK MINE A BIT MORE.
JUST A LITTLE BIT. [LAUGHTER]
WHAT IS A LITTLE TRICHINOSIS AMONG FRIENDS?
WE ALREADY HAVE COOKED ONES? THERE WE GO.
NOW WHAT DO WE DO? >> Danny: WHAT WE DO IS WE GET
OUR HOTDOG BUN. >> Stephen: PUT THE BUN RIGHT
IN THERE? TOAST THAT BAD BOY UP.
HOW DID YOU BECOME A RESTAURATEUR?
EVERYBODY KNOWS HIM AS AN ACTOR. >> Danny: EVERYTHING GOOD
THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME HAS HAPPENED AS A DIRECT RESULT OF
HELPING SOMEONE ELSE. I HELPED THE DIRECTOR NAMED
CRAIG MOSS WHO NEEDED A NAME FOR HIS MOVIE.
I HAVEN'T HAVE A NAME. >> Stephen: WHAT WAS THE NAME?
>> Danny: THE NAME OF THE MOVIE IS CALLED "BADASS."
HE SAW THAT I LIKED GOOD FOOD. I WON'T EAT THAT FOOD.
I WON'T EAT PROCESSED -- >> Stephen: ONLY HOT DOGS
WRAPPED WITH BACON. >> Danny: THAT'S A GOOD
HOTDOG. THAT IS AN ALL MEAT HOTDOG.
OKAY? [LAUGHS]
>> Stephen: JUST MEET. LET'S NOT IDENTIFY WHAT MEET,
JUST MEET. >> Danny: IF I COOK IT, I'LL
EAT IT. >> Stephen: WHAT WE PUT ON
THIS, DANIEL? >> Danny: HOTDOG RELAYS LIKE A
TACO. YOU CAN PUT ANYTHING YOU WANT.
I HAVE CAULIFLOWER TACOS AT MY WRIST ON PEOPLE LOVE THEM.
IT WAS NUMBER ONE ON THE YIKES? WHAT IS IT?
YELP. >> Stephen: I LIKE YIKES.
JUST A WARNING, DON'T EAT AT ANY RESTAURANT REVIEWED ON YIKES.
OKAY. SO WHAT ARE WE PUT ON THIS?
>> Danny: WHATEVER WE WANT. WE'VE GOT AVOCADO.
>> Stephen: PICKLED ONION? I LOVE A LITTLE PICKLED ONION.
>> Danny: JALAPENO IF YOU WANT A GOOD BITE.
BEINGS. >> Stephen: MUSTARD?
THE YELLOW STUFF. I'LL KEEP IT SIMPLE.
I WANT TO ASK YOU SOMETHING
BEFORE WE TAKE A BITE, I WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT THIS PICTURE RIGHT
HERE. THIS IS THE TITLE PAGE PICTURE
OF YOUR BOOK. WHERE SHOULD I SHOW THIS?
RIGHT HERE? THERE YOU ARE.
AND, I WANT TO POINT OUT TO EVERYBODY THAT YOU ARE 78 YEARS
OLD. DO YOU GET A BODY LIKE THAT BY
EATING BACON WRAPPED HOTDOGS? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND DANNY, MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHY ARE THERE TWO DANNY TREJOS?
IS THAT HOW YOU GET SO MUCH DONE?
>> Danny: THIS IS AT MADAME TROUSSEAU, THE WAX FIGURE.
MADAME TUSSAUDS. >> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND.
WHICH ONE OF YOU, I'M GOING TO SAY...
THAT'S YOU. THAT'S YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Danny: THE ONE WITH THE
TATTOOS. >> Stephen: DANNY, THIS IS A
FAMILY SHOW. THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW.
[LAUGHTER] ALL RIGHT, CAN I HIT THIS THING?
>> Danny: ABSOLUTELY. I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU I BROUGHT
YOU A CRYSTAL BUT I FORGOT IT. MY GIRLFRIEND HAS A CRYSTAL.
>> Stephen: LIKE A SPIRITUAL CRYSTAL?
>> Danny: YEAH. A PLACE ARKANSAS.
>> Stephen: LITTLE ROCK? >> Danny: OUTSIDE OF
LITTLE ROCK. HOT SPRINGS.
>> Stephen: WHAT WILL IT DO? >> Danny: SHE SENT ME A BUNCH
AND IT'S MY WHOLE HOUSE. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR HOUSE?
IT'S NOT GOOD VIBES. CRYSTALS ARE GOOD VIBES.
REMEMBER THAT. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: THE MAN IS DANNY TREJO, THE COOKBOOK IS
"TREJO'S CANTINA." IT'S AVAILABLE NOW.
DANNY TREJO, EVERYBODY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
BEFORE WE GO, I JUST WANTED TO TAKE A MOMENT TO GIVE A SHOUT
OUT TO MY FELLOW LATE-NIGHT BROADCASTER JAMES CORDEN
JAMES CORDEN. HIS LAST SHOW ON CBS IS A WEEK
FROM TONIGHT, RIGHT, NEXT THURSDAY.
BUT WE ARE NOT ON NEXT WEEK SO THIS IS THE LAST NIGHT I'M
TOSSING TO HIM HERE ON CBS. ALL OF US HERE KNOW HOW MUCH
WORK AND HOW MUCH CARE TAKES TO DO ONE OF THESE SHOWS.
WHEN ALL OF US WANT TO EXTEND OUR CONGRATULATIONS TO JAMES AND
ESPECIALLY EVERYBODY THERE WHO WORKS SO HARD BEHIND THE SCENES
TO MAKE THAT SHOW, WHICH WAS SO SUCCESSFUL AND MADE SUCH AN
IMPACT IN SUCH A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME.
IT'S AN INCREDIBLE ACHIEVEMENT. I HOPE ALL OF YOU ARE SO PROUD.
JAMES, I'LL SEE YOU IN THE MOVIES.
STICK AROUND FOR JAMES CORDEN. GOOD NIGHT.
♪ ♪