1 00:00:03,128 --> 00:00:05,922 >> THEY WERE A TYPICAL AMERICAN 2 00:00:06,005 --> 00:00:07,215 FAMILY. 3 00:00:07,298 --> 00:00:10,927 THEY VOTED IN THE ELECTION AND WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO A 4 00:00:11,010 --> 00:00:14,431 PEACEFUL TRANSFER OF POWER. 5 00:00:14,514 --> 00:00:15,974 BUT THEN -- >> THERE'S TREMENDOUS LITIGATION 6 00:00:16,057 --> 00:00:18,101 GOING ON, AND THIS IS A CASE WHERE THEY'RE TRYING TO STEAL AN 7 00:00:18,184 --> 00:00:18,643 ELECTION. 8 00:00:18,727 --> 00:00:22,564 >> HE WOULDN'T LEAVE. 9 00:00:22,647 --> 00:00:23,690 'S STILL HERE! 10 00:00:23,773 --> 00:00:27,610 NOW THEY'RE HAUNTED BY A BLOATED PRESENCE WHO REFUSES TO 11 00:00:27,694 --> 00:00:29,112 ACKNOWLEDGE THAT HE LOST. 12 00:00:29,195 --> 00:00:33,116 >> FRANKLY, WE DID WIN THIS ELECTION. 13 00:00:33,199 --> 00:00:37,120 >> HE'S BEHAVING IN A WAY ONLY A CHILD COULD UNDERSTAND. 14 00:00:37,203 --> 00:00:45,128 >> AND HE'S SURROUNDED HIMSELF WITH SPECTRAL ENABLERS. 15 00:00:45,211 --> 00:00:48,298 >> WHAT'S HAPPENING?! 16 00:00:49,215 --> 00:00:50,133 A BABY! 17 00:00:51,342 --> 00:00:55,096 >> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT! 18 00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:59,851 TONIGHT, POTUS CAN'T COPUS. 19 00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:04,939 PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES MICHAEL MOORE AND MUSICAL GUEST SARA 20 00:01:05,023 --> 00:01:11,196 BAREILLES, WITH A SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY STEVE CARELL, 21 00:01:11,279 --> 00:01:13,656 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HOMIN." 22 00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:18,661 AND NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE BUILDING 23 00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:21,247 IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 24 00:01:23,082 --> 00:01:24,501 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 25 00:01:24,584 --> 00:01:26,336 WELCOME TO -- "A LATE SHOW." 26 00:01:26,419 --> 00:01:30,340 I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. 27 00:01:30,423 --> 00:01:34,344 I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE, AND YOU AND YOU AND YOU, MY FRIENDS, FOR 28 00:01:34,427 --> 00:01:39,349 THIS SPECIAL NIGHT, BECAUSE BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THIS IS OUR 29 00:01:39,432 --> 00:01:41,351 THOUSANDTH EPISODE -- 1,000! 30 00:01:41,434 --> 00:01:44,062 I WISH I COULD BE TOGETHER WITH THE WHOLE STAFF RIGHT NOW. 31 00:01:44,145 --> 00:01:50,318 THEY'VE DONE SUCH AN EXTRAORDINARY JOB. 32 00:01:50,401 --> 00:01:55,406 THE WRITERS, STAFF, EDITORS, PRODUCERS, POST-PRODUCTION, THE 33 00:01:55,490 --> 00:02:03,373 AMAZING CREW, MY EDITORIAL STAFF, THE LAWYERS -- OH, THE 34 00:02:03,456 --> 00:02:04,624 LAWYERS! 35 00:02:04,707 --> 00:02:10,338 WE PLANNED A BIG BALLOON DROP, WHICH I ASSUME IS HAPPENING NOW 36 00:02:10,421 --> 00:02:10,755 IN THE THEATER? 37 00:02:10,839 --> 00:02:11,965 IT'S HAPPENING. 38 00:02:12,048 --> 00:02:16,094 I DON'T KNOW, YOU COULD LIE TO ME, BECAUSE WE'RE NOT ALLOWED 39 00:02:16,177 --> 00:02:17,220 IN. 40 00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:20,723 SOMEONE SHOULD REALLY CHECK ON MY PETTING ZOO DOWN THERE. 41 00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:22,517 I HAVEN'T FED THE ANIMALS IN ABOUT EIGHT MONTHS. 42 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:23,935 I'M A BIG STAR. 43 00:02:24,018 --> 00:02:25,228 I HAVE A PETTING ZOO. 44 00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:29,858 OF COURSE, WHILE WE'RE CELEBRATING 1,000, WE WON'T KNOW 45 00:02:29,941 --> 00:02:34,237 THE REAL NUMBER OF SHOWS TILL THEY'VE DONE THE COMPLETE HAND 46 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,030 RECOUNT IN GEORGIA. 47 00:02:36,114 --> 00:02:39,367 SPEAKING OF WHICH, WE'RE ON DAY SIX OF THE CURRENT PRESIDENT NOT 48 00:02:39,450 --> 00:02:41,202 ADMITTING HE'S THE SOON TO BE EX PRESIDENT. 49 00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:44,581 I'LL GIVE YOU ALL THE DEETS IN MY LATEST INSTALLMENT OF -- 50 00:02:44,664 --> 00:02:50,044 >> I'M A DICK DICK DICK DICK TATER. 51 00:02:50,128 --> 00:02:52,297 >> THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE! 52 00:02:52,380 --> 00:03:00,930 >> Stephen: THOSE ARE THE ACTUAL LYRICS TO THE SONG. 53 00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:02,181 HERE'S SOME INTERESTING FACT-U-TAINMENT: NO MATTER HOW 54 00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:06,144 MUCH HE SCREAMS ABOUT IT, NO ONE BELIEVES THE PRESIDENT'S CLAIMS 55 00:03:06,227 --> 00:03:07,645 OF VICTORY. 56 00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:08,897 NOT EVEN THE PRESIDENT. 57 00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:10,189 BECAUSE AIDES SAY HE HAS NO REAL PLAN TO OVERTURN THE RESULTS. 58 00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:14,652 SAME WAY HE DEFEATED COVID. 59 00:03:14,736 --> 00:03:19,616 IN FACT, THE PRESIDENT IS SO SURE HE LOST THAT HE IS TALKING 60 00:03:19,699 --> 00:03:23,828 PRIVATELY ABOUT RUNNING AGAIN IN 2024. 61 00:03:23,912 --> 00:03:24,621 WHAAA? 62 00:03:24,704 --> 00:03:26,664 HE IS GOING TO BE SO OLD BY THEN! 63 00:03:26,748 --> 00:03:27,749 FORGET DESCENDING AN ESCALATOR. 64 00:03:27,832 --> 00:03:28,917 HE'LL HAVE TO MAKE HIS ANNOUNCEMENT FROM A STAIRCASE 65 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:32,629 CHAIR LIFT. 66 00:03:32,712 --> 00:03:36,633 I MEAN, THE GUY IS 74 NOW. 67 00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:39,010 BY 2024, HE'LL BE 78! 68 00:03:39,093 --> 00:03:40,637 WHICH IS-- EXACTLY... 69 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:44,641 THE RIGHT AGE FOR A PRESIDENT. 70 00:03:44,724 --> 00:03:46,142 IT'S JUST A NUMBER, JOE! 71 00:03:46,225 --> 00:03:48,645 YOU GO GET 'EM, BUDDY! 72 00:03:48,728 --> 00:03:50,104 DRINK THAT ENSURE! 73 00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:52,482 ARE THEY A SPONSOR? 74 00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:53,024 THEY'VET GOT TO BE. 75 00:03:53,107 --> 00:03:54,067 IT'S CBS. 76 00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:54,901 YOU KIDDING? 77 00:03:54,984 --> 00:03:59,989 IT'S ALL WALK-IN BATHTUBS AROUND HERE. 78 00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:00,740 RIGHT? 79 00:04:00,823 --> 00:04:01,866 ( LAUGHTER ) ACCORDING TO A REUTERS 80 00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:03,326 IPSOS-FACTOS POST-ELECTION POLL, NEARLY 80% OF AMERICANS 81 00:04:03,409 --> 00:04:04,577 RECOGNIZE BIDEN AS THE WINNER. 82 00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:08,539 DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GET 80% OF AMERICANS TO AGREE ON 83 00:04:08,623 --> 00:04:12,669 ANYTHING THAT ISN'T SMOTHERED IN MELTED CHEESE? 84 00:04:12,752 --> 00:04:18,299 EVEN WORSE FOR THE PRESIDENT, AND BETTER FOR DEMOCRACY, ONLY 85 00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:20,677 3% SAID HE WON, COMPARED TO 5% WHO SAY THEY DO NOT KNOW WHO 86 00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:28,685 WON. 87 00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:32,689 SO IT'S OFFICIAL: PRESIDENT DOOFUS TROOFUS HAS JUST SLIGHTLY 88 00:04:32,772 --> 00:04:35,858 LESS SUPPORT THAN "I DUNNO." 89 00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:36,734 3% BELIEVE HE WON. 90 00:04:36,818 --> 00:04:41,364 WHAT'S THE MARGIN OF ERROR FOR THAT POLL? 91 00:04:41,447 --> 00:04:42,532 >> 5%. 92 00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:44,367 >> Stephen: IT IS POSSIBLE ONLY NEGATIVE 2% OF AMERICANS 93 00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:45,410 BELIEVE HE WON. 94 00:04:45,493 --> 00:04:52,166 OF COURSE, THAT NEGATIVE 2 WOULD BE ERIC AND DONALD. 95 00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:53,209 APPARENTLY, JOE BIDEN HAS YET TO RECEIVE A PRESIDENTIAL DAILY 96 00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:55,378 BRIEFING, AND IT'S UNCLEAR WHETHER HIS TEAM WILL HAVE 97 00:04:55,461 --> 00:04:58,381 ACCESS TO CLASSIFIED INFORMATION. 98 00:04:58,464 --> 00:05:03,094 WELL, SURE, IF BIDEN WANTS ACCESS TO CLASSIFIED NATIONAL 99 00:05:03,177 --> 00:05:07,765 SECURITY INTEL, HE'S GOT TO GO THROUGH THE PROPER CHANNELS AND 100 00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:08,725 BUY A MEMBERSHIP AT MAR-A-LAGO. 101 00:05:08,808 --> 00:05:12,729 BUT IT GETS DUMBER. 102 00:05:12,812 --> 00:05:13,938 THE STATE DEPARTMENT IS PREVENTING BIDEN FROM ACCESSING 103 00:05:14,022 --> 00:05:18,568 MESSAGES FROM FOREIGN LEADERS, SO MANY OF THEM HAVE REACHED OUT 104 00:05:18,651 --> 00:05:20,737 TO FORMER OBAMA-ERA DIPLOMATS FOR THEIR ASSISTANCE ON HOW TO 105 00:05:20,820 --> 00:05:24,699 SEND CONGRATULATORY MESSAGES TO BIDEN'S TEAM. 106 00:05:24,782 --> 00:05:26,242 THEY SOUND DESPERATE. 107 00:05:26,325 --> 00:05:28,703 IN FACT, THE PRESIDENT OF IRAQ HAD TO RESORT TO EDIBLE 108 00:05:28,786 --> 00:05:32,707 ARRANGEMENT. 109 00:05:32,790 --> 00:05:36,711 BUT OF ALL THE INTRANSIGENT PEOPLE IN THE WHITE HOUSE, THE 110 00:05:36,794 --> 00:05:39,088 INTRANSIGENT-EST MIGHT BE NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER AND 111 00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:45,053 MAN WHO SHOPS AT THE SUNGLASS PUTZ, ROBERT O'BRIEN. 112 00:05:45,136 --> 00:05:48,723 O'BRIEN HAS TOLD HIS STAFF, "DON'T EVEN MENTION BIDEN'S 113 00:05:48,806 --> 00:05:50,475 NAME." 114 00:05:50,558 --> 00:05:56,731 OH, SO THE PRESIDENT-ELECT IS HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED? 115 00:05:56,814 --> 00:05:59,942 HE'S LORD OLD-EMORT! 116 00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:00,651 STILL SEEMS NICE. 117 00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:03,112 HE STILL SEEMS NICE. 118 00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:04,655 SEEMS LIKE NO ONE AROUND THE PRESIDENT HAS THE NERVE TO TELL 119 00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:07,533 HIM HE LOST. 120 00:06:07,617 --> 00:06:08,785 ONE G.O.P. SOURCE SAID, "IT'S LIKE DEALING WITH A LUNATIC ON 121 00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:12,288 THE SUBWAY. 122 00:06:12,371 --> 00:06:15,124 EVERYONE JUST KIND OF SITS AND STARES AHEAD, PRETENDS THEY 123 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:20,797 CAN'T HEAR HIM, AND WAITS FOR HIM TO EVENTUALLY GET OFF." 124 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:22,715 I'VE GOT BAD NEWS: JUST BECAUSE A LUNATIC ON THE SUBWAY GETS OFF 125 00:06:22,799 --> 00:06:28,638 DOESN'T MEAN HE'LL LEAVE THE TRAIN. 126 00:06:28,721 --> 00:06:30,473 WE CUT THE MUSIC ON THAT ONE. 127 00:06:30,556 --> 00:06:31,641 OKAY. 128 00:06:31,724 --> 00:06:36,771 DESPITE CLINGING TO THE JOB DESPERATELY, HE'S NOT ACTUALLY 129 00:06:36,854 --> 00:06:38,481 DOING IT. 130 00:06:38,564 --> 00:06:40,775 THE LAST INTELLIGENCE BRIEFING ON THE PRESIDENT'S SCHEDULE WAS 131 00:06:40,858 --> 00:06:43,486 FOR OCTOBER 2. 132 00:06:43,569 --> 00:06:49,992 HE REALLY SHOULD TAKE THE BRIEFINGS BECAUSE I'M 133 00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:51,160 SURE THEY'RE FULL OF VALUABLE INFORMATION. 134 00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:52,662 FOR INSTANCE, HE MIGHT FIND OUT THAT THE U.S. ELECTED A NEW 135 00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:53,788 PRESIDENT. 136 00:06:53,871 --> 00:06:54,997 WHAT HAS THE PRESIDENT BEEN DOING WITH HIS TIME INSTEAD? 137 00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:56,791 WELL, HE HAS BEEN WATCHING EVEN MORE TV THAN USUAL IN RECENT 138 00:06:56,874 --> 00:06:57,166 WEEKS. 139 00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:59,544 MORE? 140 00:06:59,627 --> 00:07:00,503 HOW? 141 00:07:00,586 --> 00:07:05,591 DID HE MOVE THE RESOLUTE DESK TO A BEST BUY? 142 00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:08,761 THE PRESIDENT'S ALLERGY TO REALITY IS HITTING EPIC NEW 143 00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:12,181 HEIGHTS, BECAUSE "THE WHITE HOUSE IS STILL TELLING FEDERAL 144 00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:15,226 AGENCIES TO PROCEED WITH PLANS FOR HIS FEBRUARY BUDGET." 145 00:07:15,309 --> 00:07:19,564 NOW THAT IS SOME INDUSTRIAL-STRENGTH DENIAL. 146 00:07:19,647 --> 00:07:20,648 AT A CERTAIN POINT, EVEN NORMAN BATES WAS LIKE "I'M STARTING TO 147 00:07:20,731 --> 00:07:24,861 THINK MY MOM'S NOT DOING GREAT." 148 00:07:24,944 --> 00:07:27,697 IF THE PRESIDENT'S BEHAVIOR SEEMS FAMILIAR, THAT'S BECAUSE 149 00:07:27,780 --> 00:07:30,700 YOU'VE SEEN IT IN A FAILED STATE NEAR YOU. 150 00:07:30,783 --> 00:07:32,869 REFUSING TO ACCEPT THE RESULTS OF A FREE AND FAIR ELECTION ARE 151 00:07:32,952 --> 00:07:39,208 "ANTI-DEMOCRATIC TACTICS EMPLOYED BY LEADERS LIKE ROBERT 152 00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:41,043 MUGABE, NICOLAÁS MADURO, AND SLOBODAN MILOSEVIC." 153 00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:43,671 THAT'S RIGHT. 154 00:07:43,754 --> 00:07:54,891 WE'VE GOT OUR OWN HOMEGROWN SLOB-O-DON 155 00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:55,766 MY-PILLOW'S-(BLEEP). 156 00:07:55,850 --> 00:07:56,976 AROUND THE WORLD, AUTOCRATS ARE WATCHING. 157 00:07:57,059 --> 00:07:59,395 ONE EXPERT ON EASTERN EUROPE TOLD REPORTERS, "THE PRESIDENT'S 158 00:07:59,478 --> 00:08:00,855 REFUSAL TO CONCEDE WOULD 'CREATE A NEW MODEL' FOR LIKE-MINDED 159 00:08:00,938 --> 00:08:02,356 POPULISTS IN EUROPE." 160 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:03,566 WELL, THAT'S CONVENIENT TIMING. 161 00:08:03,649 --> 00:08:04,859 BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE HE'S GOING TO START LOOKING FOR A NEW 162 00:08:04,942 --> 00:08:06,277 MODEL FROM EASTERN EUROPE. 163 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:09,363 THE PRESIDENT MIGHT NOT HAVE A PLAN, BUT HE'S STILL ASKING 164 00:08:09,447 --> 00:08:11,532 SUPPORTERS TO DONATE TO HIS OFFICIAL ELECTION DEFENSE FUND. 165 00:08:11,616 --> 00:08:15,286 AND HE'S NOT BEING SUBTLE ABOUT IT. 166 00:08:15,369 --> 00:08:20,917 ON THE WEBSITE, THE BUTTONS ARE DANCING FOR CASH. 167 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:21,584 OH, THAT'S IT! 168 00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:23,294 SHAKE YOUR LITTLE MONEY-TAKER! 169 00:08:23,377 --> 00:08:24,962 THE BUTTON'S REAL NAME IS GINGER, AND IT'S JUST DANCING 170 00:08:25,046 --> 00:08:30,635 UNTIL IT CAN GET ITS MASTERS IN MARINE BIOLOGY. 171 00:08:30,718 --> 00:08:32,929 CHAMPAGNE ROOM'S EXTRA. 172 00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:33,930 AND THERE ARE PERKS! 173 00:08:34,013 --> 00:08:35,264 SO I'VE HEARD. 174 00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:37,642 AND THERE ARE PERKS. 175 00:08:37,725 --> 00:08:39,101 FOR A DONATION OF $2,800, YOU CAN "JOIN THE FIRST FAMILY 176 00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:39,936 CIRCLE." 177 00:08:40,019 --> 00:08:40,937 THAT'S GOT TO BE SO TEMPTING FOR ERIC. 178 00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:44,941 (AS ERIC) "PLEASE LET ME IN! 179 00:08:45,024 --> 00:08:46,275 I'LL GET THE MONEY! 180 00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:53,950 I JUST HAVE TO SELL MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR." 181 00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:55,284 ACCORDING TO THE WEBSITE, AT LEAST HALF OF EACH DONATION WILL 182 00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,745 GO TO PAYING OFF THE CAMPAIGN'S DEBTS. 183 00:08:57,828 --> 00:08:58,871 ONE LAST GRIFT FOR THE ROAD. 184 00:08:58,955 --> 00:09:00,581 BEFORE HE FINALLY LEAVES, SOMEONE BETTER CHECK UNDER HIS 185 00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:03,459 MAGA HAT FOR WHITE HOUSE SILVERWARE. 186 00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:04,919 IT GETS WORSE. 187 00:09:05,002 --> 00:09:09,298 REPORTEDLY, BEFORE ANY MONEY GOES TO FINANCE ELECTION 188 00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:12,927 CHALLENGES, A DONOR WOULD HAVE TO GIVE MORE THAN $8,000. 189 00:09:13,010 --> 00:09:16,973 (AS ERIC) "DAD, THAT'S TOO MUCH! 190 00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:20,977 I TRIED TO HAVE A GARAGE SALE, BUT NO ONE WANTED TO BUY MY 191 00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:26,524 GARAGE!" "AND I'M ALL OUT OF HAIR! 192 00:09:26,607 --> 00:09:27,316 I SHAVED EVERYWHERE! 193 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:28,985 I'M LIKE AN EEL! 194 00:09:29,068 --> 00:09:37,827 I'M LIKE AN EEL!" I'M NOT SURE IF THAT'S AN 195 00:09:37,910 --> 00:09:41,998 ACCURATE DEPICTION OF ERIC RIGHT NOW, BUT EMOTIONALLY, IT SEEMS 196 00:09:42,081 --> 00:09:42,581 TRUE. 197 00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:45,001 HERE'S HOW THE SCAM WORKS. 198 00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:49,005 IF A DONOR GIVES $500, $200 WOULD GO TO THE R.N.C., WHILE 199 00:09:49,088 --> 00:09:53,050 $300 WILL GO TO THE PRESIDENT'S NEWLY-FORMED "SAVE AMERICA PAC." 200 00:09:53,134 --> 00:09:55,428 NOT SURE WHAT SAVE AMERICA PAC IS GOING TO DO WITH THE MONEY, 201 00:09:55,511 --> 00:09:59,682 BUT THE PRESIDENT HAS A LOT OF DEBT AND THEIR MAILING ADDRESS 202 00:09:59,765 --> 00:10:01,350 IS "GREASE-STAINED PAPER BAG UNDER PARK BENCH IN DUPONT 203 00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:04,979 CIRCLE, MAKE SURE YOU WEREN'T FOLLOWED, U.S.A." 204 00:10:05,062 --> 00:10:08,983 NO MATTER WHAT THE PRESIDENT DOES, IT'S PRETTY CLEAR THAT THE 205 00:10:09,066 --> 00:10:12,987 ENTIRE FIRST FAMILY WILL NOT BE GOING QUIETLY: 206 00:10:13,070 --> 00:10:17,033 >> SEVERAL G.O.P. SOURCES ARE TELLING CNN THAT THE PRESIDENT 207 00:10:17,116 --> 00:10:18,284 ELDEST SON DONALD TRUMP JR., AND HIS GIRLFRIEND, KIMBERLEY 208 00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:22,163 GUILFOYLE, ARE RIGHT NOW MAKING MOVES TO EXPAND THEIR INFLUENCE 209 00:10:22,246 --> 00:10:26,208 IN THE R.N.C., POSSIBLY TAKE IT OVER. 210 00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:36,761 >> Stephen: DON, JR. AND GUILFOYLE ARE SAID TO BE ANGRY 211 00:10:36,844 --> 00:10:38,012 AT CURRENT R.N.C. CHAIR RONNA MCDANIEL, SEEN HERE RIGHT AFTER 212 00:10:38,095 --> 00:10:40,306 PUSHING A BARISTA OFF A CLIFF FOR NOT ADDING ENOUGH FOAM, WHO 213 00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:41,557 THEY VIEW AS NOT HAVING DONE ENOUGH TO WIN A CLOSE RACE. 214 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,934 SO THE PRESIDENT DEFINITELY WON, BUT IT'S HER FAULT HE DIDN'T? 215 00:10:44,018 --> 00:10:48,564 IT REMINDS ME OF THAT STIRRING ROCK ANTHEM: 216 00:10:48,647 --> 00:10:56,072 ♪ WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS MY FRIENDS ♪ 217 00:10:56,155 --> 00:11:04,288 ♪ AND WE'LL KEEP ON FIGHTING BECAUSE WE LOST ♪ 218 00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:07,083 >> Stephen: PERHAPS MORE IMPORTANTLY, 219 00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:09,043 ACCORDING TO ONE ADVISER, D.J.T.J. AND KIM HAVE HAD A 220 00:11:09,126 --> 00:11:11,128 GREAT TIME IN POLITICS, AND "THEY DON'T WANT THE RIDE TO 221 00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:11,921 END." 222 00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:13,047 DON JR JUST LOVES BEING ON THE ROAD. 223 00:11:13,130 --> 00:11:15,424 OR REALLY ANYWHERE THERE ARE LITTLE WHITE LINES. 224 00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:19,053 KIM AND DON ARE ALREADY SHAKING UP THE R.N.C.'S TACTICS. 225 00:11:19,136 --> 00:11:21,097 AT A FUNDRAISER IN DECEMBER, "GUILFOYLE REPORTEDLY OFFERED TO 226 00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:24,767 GIVE A LAP DANCE TO THE PERSON WHO DONATED THE MOST MONEY." 227 00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:29,105 IN OTHER WORDS... 228 00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:34,819 >> THE BREAST IS YET TO COME! 229 00:11:34,902 --> 00:11:37,113 >> STEPHEN: BUT JR.'S DREAMS MAY HAVE BEEN DASHED BECAUSE LAST 230 00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:41,117 NIGHT, THE PRESIDENT ENDORSED RONNA MCDANIEL FOR ANOTHER TERM 231 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,285 AS R.N.C. CHAIR. 232 00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:45,121 OOH! 233 00:11:45,204 --> 00:11:48,416 THAT'S GOT TO SMART FOR DON JR. ON THE UPSIDE, THAT'S THE FIRST 234 00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:51,502 TIME "SMART" AND "DON JR." HAVE BEEN IN A SENTENCE TOGETHER. 235 00:11:51,585 --> 00:11:56,090 REGARDLESS OF WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE WHITE HOUSE, BIDEN'S ALREADY 236 00:11:56,173 --> 00:11:57,216 PUTTING THE WHEELS IN MOTION. 237 00:11:57,299 --> 00:12:01,137 HE'S NAMED A TRANSITION TEAM INCLUDING PEOPLE LIKE KIRAN 238 00:12:01,220 --> 00:12:05,141 AHUJCHA, MICHELLE HOWARD, CHRIS LU, PAMELA MELROY, KEVIN 239 00:12:05,224 --> 00:12:08,310 WASHBURN, AND GEOVETTE WASHINGTON. 240 00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:12,648 DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO THOSE PEOPLE ARE? 241 00:12:12,731 --> 00:12:13,691 NEITHER DO I, AND I LOVE IT! 242 00:12:13,774 --> 00:12:17,153 NOT ONE OF THEM HAS AN INFOMERCIAL, OR A SPORTS BLOG, 243 00:12:17,236 --> 00:12:21,157 OR IS RELATED TO JOE BIDEN. 244 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:24,827 I CAN'T WAIT TO NEVER BUY A PILLOW FROM ANY OF THEM! 245 00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:27,580 YESTERDAY, BIDEN ANNOUNCED HIS CHIEF OF STAFF. 246 00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:30,040 IT'S VETERAN DEMOCRATIC ADVISOR AND KID WHO WON'T LET YOU CHEAT 247 00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:36,130 OFF HIS HOMEWORK BUT WILL TUTOR YOU FOR FREE, RON KLAIN. 248 00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:39,550 KLAIN WAS BIDEN'S CHIEF OF STAFF WHEN HE WAS VICE PRESIDENT, AND, 249 00:12:39,633 --> 00:12:40,885 ACCORDING TO WASHINGTON INSIDERS, THIS HIRING IS AN 250 00:12:40,968 --> 00:12:45,181 EARLY SIGNAL THAT BIDEN INTENDS TO RELY HEAVILY ON EXPERIENCE, 251 00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:48,726 COMPETENCE AND POLITICAL AGILITY AFTER THIS PRESIDENCY. 252 00:12:48,809 --> 00:12:51,896 AFTER FOUR YEARS OF GETTING OUR DENTAL WORK DONE BY THE 253 00:12:51,979 --> 00:12:55,524 EAR-PIERCING TEEN AT CLAIRE'S AMERICA'S READY TO TRY A 254 00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:56,692 DENTIST. 255 00:12:56,775 --> 00:12:56,984 THOUGH WE'LL STILL BE SPITTING OUT PLASTIC RHINESTONES FOR 256 00:12:57,067 --> 00:13:01,197 YEARS. 257 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:10,706 KLAIN HAS AN IMPRESSIVE RESUME. 258 00:13:10,789 --> 00:13:14,043 -- KLAIN KLAIN KLAIN WITH THE CABINET! 259 00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:15,211 DON'T YOU DARE CUT THAT. 260 00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:17,046 MAYBE CUT THAT. 261 00:13:17,129 --> 00:13:18,672 WE'LL SEE. 262 00:13:18,756 --> 00:13:19,882 KLAIN HAS AN IMPRESSIVE RESUME. 263 00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:21,258 DURING THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION, HE SERVED AS THE "EBOLA TSAR." 264 00:13:21,342 --> 00:13:23,219 YES, REMEMBER THE DEADLY EBOLA PANDEMIC THAT CLAIMED OVER 265 00:13:23,302 --> 00:13:24,220 200,000 AMERICAN LIVES? 266 00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:24,929 NO. 267 00:13:25,012 --> 00:13:25,554 YOU DON'T! 268 00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:27,556 BECAUSE IT DIDN'T HAPPEN! 269 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,892 THANKS TO RON "THE MAIN" KLAIN! 270 00:13:29,975 --> 00:13:32,895 I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO CALL HIM YET. 271 00:13:32,978 --> 00:13:33,437 RON IS DRY-KLAIN ONLY! 272 00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:33,854 THAT'S NOT IT. 273 00:13:33,938 --> 00:13:39,610 WE'LL FIND IT. 274 00:13:39,693 --> 00:13:46,200 THAT'S NOT IT BECAUSE RON THE MAN KLAN DOESN'T SOUND RIGHT AT 275 00:13:46,283 --> 00:13:46,825 ALL. 276 00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:49,245 WE'LL FIND IT OR WE ON THE. 277 00:13:49,328 --> 00:13:50,746 KLAIN PUT A STATEMENT ABOUT HIS NEW POSITION, SAYING HE LOOKS 278 00:13:50,829 --> 00:13:51,914 FORWARD TO WORKING WITH THE PRESIDENT AND VICE 279 00:13:51,997 --> 00:13:53,249 PRESIDENT-ELECT TO "ASSEMBLE A TALENTED AND DIVERSE TEAM TO 280 00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:55,876 WORK IN THE WHITE HOUSE, AS WE TACKLE THEIR 281 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,253 AMBITIOUS AGENDA FOR CHANGE." 282 00:13:57,336 --> 00:14:00,089 MMMM. 283 00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:00,798 YEAH. 284 00:14:00,881 --> 00:14:03,592 OH, YOU SEXY, SEXY, BORING MAN. 285 00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:05,261 NO SLURS, NO LIES. 286 00:14:05,344 --> 00:14:09,139 HE JUST WHIPS OUT HIS BULGING BINDER AND MAKES US RANDY FOR 287 00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:10,933 THE BLANDY. 288 00:14:11,016 --> 00:14:13,143 I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOUR STAFF, CHIEF. 289 00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:17,273 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 290 00:14:17,356 --> 00:14:19,900 MICHAEL MOORE IS HERE. 291 00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:21,235 STICK AROUND! 292 00:14:21,318 --> 00:14:21,569 WHOO! 293 00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:22,903 SHAKE IT! 294 00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:23,988 WHOO! 295 00:14:24,071 --> 00:14:24,697 SHAKE IT, RON! 296 00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:50,973 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 297 00:14:51,056 --> 00:14:51,765 WELCOME BACK! 298 00:14:51,849 --> 00:14:53,809 LET'S SAY HELLO TO MR. JON BATISTE! 299 00:14:53,892 --> 00:14:57,187 JON, CONGRATULATIONS ON A THOUSAND SHOWS! 300 00:14:57,271 --> 00:15:05,821 >> Jon: NAH, NAH NAH NAH, NAH NAH NAH NAH, NAH NAH NAH NAH! 301 00:15:05,904 --> 00:15:09,366 >> Stephen: I KNOW YOU'RE CLAPPING RIGHT AND I'M NOT. 302 00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:13,996 SEEMS LIKE JUST YESTERDAY I MET YOU AT THE OLD GIG OVER ON 303 00:15:14,079 --> 00:15:14,663 53rd STREET. 304 00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:17,666 >> Jon: YEAH, 53rd AND 11th. 305 00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:20,336 >> Stephen: WE DANCED OUT ON THE STREETS AND I THOUGHT, I 306 00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:22,004 COULD SPEND A LOT OF TIME WITH THAT GUY AND I LOVED IT. 307 00:15:22,087 --> 00:15:22,588 THANK YOU, JON. 308 00:15:22,671 --> 00:15:25,466 >> Jon: I LOVE IT, TOO. 309 00:15:25,549 --> 00:15:28,177 IT'S BEEN GREAT, AND, YOU KNOW, LET'S GET TO A THOUSAND MORE. 310 00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:30,846 LET'S HIT IT, POW! 311 00:15:30,929 --> 00:15:31,847 >> Stephen: SOUNDS GOOD. 312 00:15:31,930 --> 00:15:34,642 BUT LET'S GET BACKING TO FIRST. 313 00:15:34,725 --> 00:15:41,482 DO YOU HAVE ANY MUSIC IN YOUR FINGERS THAT MIGHT CELEBRATED A 314 00:15:41,565 --> 00:15:43,484 THOU? 315 00:15:43,567 --> 00:15:46,528 >> Jon: DA, DA DA DA DA DA! 316 00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:47,071 >> Stephen: ANYTHING ELSE? 317 00:15:47,154 --> 00:15:47,821 ♪ ♪ 318 00:15:47,905 --> 00:15:52,201 ♪ ♪ 319 00:15:52,284 --> 00:15:54,995 >> Stephen: JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY! 320 00:15:55,079 --> 00:15:55,496 THANK YOU, JON! 321 00:15:55,579 --> 00:15:58,415 >> Jon: YES, INDEED! 322 00:15:58,499 --> 00:15:59,041 HAVE A GOOD ONE. 323 00:15:59,124 --> 00:16:02,378 >> Stephen: YOU, TOO. 324 00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:05,005 MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACADEMY AWARD-WINNING FILMMAKER YOU KNOW 325 00:16:05,089 --> 00:16:07,091 FROM "ROGER AND ME," "BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE," AND "FAHRENHEIT 326 00:16:07,174 --> 00:16:09,718 9/11." 327 00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:10,552 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW," MICHAEL MOORE! 328 00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:12,846 HELLO, MICHAEL, NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK. 329 00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:13,555 >> HELLO, STEPHEN. 330 00:16:13,639 --> 00:16:14,306 IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK. 331 00:16:14,390 --> 00:16:15,891 >> Stephen: HOW WERE YOU FEELING? 332 00:16:15,974 --> 00:16:19,561 YOU WERE ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE IN 2016 WHO SENT UP A SIGNAL 333 00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:23,732 FLARE SAYING, HEY, GUYS, TRUMP COULD REALLY WIN THIS ONE, 334 00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:25,401 PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THIS. 335 00:16:25,484 --> 00:16:26,610 >> RIGHT. 336 00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:29,405 >> Stephen: 2020, BIDEN'S LEAD BIG 5 MILLION VOTES, LOOK LIKE 337 00:16:29,488 --> 00:16:33,242 HE'S ON TRACK TO GO TO 306 IN THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE. 338 00:16:33,325 --> 00:16:40,082 DO YOU THINK BIDEN CAN PULL THIS ONE OUT, MICHAEL? 339 00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:41,875 >> (LAUGHING) HE'S ALREADY PULLED IT OUT. 340 00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:43,961 YES, WE ALL FEEL GREAT ABOUT THAT. 341 00:16:44,044 --> 00:16:48,090 BUT WHAT WE ARE ON GUARD FOR IS THE FACT THAT TRUMP IS, ONCE 342 00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:51,260 AGAIN, NOT DEALING WITH REALITY, AND I NEVER TAKE ANYTHING FOR 343 00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:54,221 GRANTED WHENT IT COMES TO HIM, WHEN HE CAN PULL OFF WHAT HE'S 344 00:16:54,304 --> 00:16:58,726 UP TO, WHO HE'S FIRING, WHO HE'S REPLACING, THE HEAD OF THE 345 00:16:58,809 --> 00:17:04,106 DEFENSE DEPARTMENT WITH A GUY THAT TRIPPED GOING UP THE STEPS 346 00:17:04,189 --> 00:17:05,941 TO HAVE THE PENTAGON. 347 00:17:06,024 --> 00:17:09,236 ALL OF -- UP THE STEPS OF THE PENTAGON. 348 00:17:09,319 --> 00:17:12,072 I THINK PEOPLE ARE JUSTIFIABLY NERVES ABOUT GETTING THROUGH 349 00:17:12,156 --> 00:17:14,491 THESE NEXT 69 DAYS OR SO. 350 00:17:14,575 --> 00:17:17,119 >> Stephen: LET'S CONCENTRATE ON THE POSITIVE FOR A MOMENT. 351 00:17:17,202 --> 00:17:17,953 >> YES. 352 00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,414 >> Stephen: YOU'RE A PROUD MICHIGANDER. 353 00:17:20,497 --> 00:17:21,582 >> YES. 354 00:17:21,665 --> 00:17:23,959 >> Stephen: HOW DO YOU FEEL YOUR STATE, RIGHT NOW BIDEN'S 355 00:17:24,042 --> 00:17:28,255 LEAD IS TEN TIMES LARGER THAN WHAT TRUMP WON THE STATE BY IN 356 00:17:28,338 --> 00:17:29,173 2016. 357 00:17:29,256 --> 00:17:33,469 HOW DOES IT FEEL TO SEE YOUR STATE FLIP BACK? 358 00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:34,303 >> REALLY GOOD. 359 00:17:34,386 --> 00:17:36,805 >> Stephen: LET ME WRITE THAT DOWN. 360 00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:39,600 MICHAEL MOORE SAID "REALLY GOOD." 361 00:17:39,683 --> 00:17:40,768 THAT'S VERY RARE. 362 00:17:40,851 --> 00:17:43,729 >> WELL, THE EMBARRASSMENT OF THESE LAST FOUR YEARS, EVERY 363 00:17:43,812 --> 00:17:47,483 TIME I HEAR MICHIGAN BEING CALLED A RED STATE, TO REMOVE 364 00:17:47,566 --> 00:17:51,153 THE SCARLET LETTER LAST WEEK FELT GOOD, I THINK, AMONGST MANY 365 00:17:51,236 --> 00:17:54,031 OF THE PEOPLE I KNOW IN MICHIGAN. 366 00:17:54,114 --> 00:17:59,286 SO, YES, WE DID SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT AS DID THE PEOPLE IN 367 00:17:59,369 --> 00:18:00,370 WISCONSIN AND PENNSYLVANIA. 368 00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:04,833 >> Stephen: WHAT MADE THE DIFFERENCE, YOU THINK, THIS 369 00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:06,043 TIME? 370 00:18:06,126 --> 00:18:09,463 >> WELL, FOUR YEARS OF AN INSANE PERSON IN THE WHITE HOUSE, I 371 00:18:09,546 --> 00:18:11,632 MEAN, THAT HAD A LOT TO DO WITH IT. 372 00:18:11,715 --> 00:18:16,678 AND I THINK, TOO, THE BLACK COMMUNITY WAS PRETTY MUCH 373 00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:20,307 IGNORED FOUR YEARS AGO, AND, REMEMBER, THESE ARE MAJORITY 374 00:18:20,390 --> 00:18:29,399 BLACK CITIES -- FLINT, PONTIAC -- AND 83 COUNTIES IN 375 00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:33,654 MICHIGAN, BIDEN WON 11 OF THEM, YET WON THE STATE BY THAT LARGE 376 00:18:33,737 --> 00:18:38,367 MARGIN BECAUSE UP THE I-75 CORRIDOR, ALL THESE MAJORITY 377 00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:42,204 BLACK CITIES CAME OUT IN HUGE NUMBERS FOR HIM AND THE COLLEGE 378 00:18:42,287 --> 00:18:47,543 TOWNS OF ANN ARBOR AND EAST LANSING, HUGE NUMBERS, SO THE 379 00:18:47,626 --> 00:18:51,713 YOUTH VOTE, BLACK VOTE, THAT'S WHAT REALLY MADE THE DIFFERENCE 380 00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:52,798 THIS YEAR. 381 00:18:52,881 --> 00:18:54,758 >> Stephen: WHAT DO PEOPLE WHO AREN'T FROM MICHIGAN NOT 382 00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:58,387 UNDERSTAND ABOUT THIS STATE BECAUSE, YES, YOU HAVE THIS 383 00:18:58,470 --> 00:19:02,182 VICTORY BY BIDEN THERE, YOU HAVE A LARGE URBAN BLACK POPULATION. 384 00:19:02,266 --> 00:19:04,268 TELL ME ABOUT THE GUYS WHO PRETEND TO BE IN THE ARMY WITH 385 00:19:04,351 --> 00:19:11,108 THE CAMO AND SAY THEY'RE MILITIA AND THINK THEY'RE GOING TO 386 00:19:11,191 --> 00:19:11,733 KIDNAP THE GOVERNOR. 387 00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:12,609 TELL ME ABOUT THAT MICHIGAN. 388 00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:14,319 >> YEAH, I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH THEM. 389 00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:15,404 I KNOW THEM. 390 00:19:15,487 --> 00:19:16,238 >> Stephen: EVERYBODY WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH THEM. 391 00:19:16,321 --> 00:19:18,365 BUT WHAT'S THE MOTIVATION? 392 00:19:18,448 --> 00:19:24,538 >> I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, TERRY NICHOLS WITH TIMOTHY 393 00:19:24,621 --> 00:19:30,752 McVEIGH WHO BLEW UP THE OKLAHOMA CITY FEDERAL BUILDING 394 00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:33,755 GRADUATED THE SAME YEAR I DID IN THE HIGH SCHOOL NEXT TO MINE 395 00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:35,591 WHERE I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL. 396 00:19:35,674 --> 00:19:38,385 NO, SO I'VE KNOWN ALL THESE GUYS FOR A LONG TIME. 397 00:19:38,468 --> 00:19:41,722 AGAIN, I THINK THEY'RE JUST A LOT OF BLUSTER. 398 00:19:41,805 --> 00:19:44,558 THEY WERE DEMONSTRATING WITH THEIR GUNS AT THE STATE CAPITOL 399 00:19:44,641 --> 00:19:48,395 THIS YEAR BECAUSE THEY WERE UPSET THAT THE GYMS AND THE NAIL 400 00:19:48,478 --> 00:19:52,649 SALONS WERE CLOSED, AND I WAS, LIKE, WELL, GOOD! 401 00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:56,820 MAYBE THERE'S PROGRESS BEING MADE HERE. 402 00:19:56,904 --> 00:20:01,825 BUT I THINK THAT, YES, LISTEN, 70 MILLION-PLUS PEOPLE VOTED FOR 403 00:20:01,909 --> 00:20:04,328 TRUMP SO, CLEARLY, WE KNOW THE COUNTRY WE LIVE IN, THE PROBLEMS 404 00:20:04,411 --> 00:20:07,080 AREN'T NECESSARILY GOING TO GO AWAY. 405 00:20:07,164 --> 00:20:13,003 THE BIGOTRY, THE MISOGYNY AND ALL THESE THINGS, WE'LL STILL 406 00:20:13,086 --> 00:20:15,297 HAVE TO WORK WITH PEOPLE -- AND MAYBE THEIR KIDS WILL GO TO 407 00:20:15,380 --> 00:20:19,843 SCHOOL, THEY'LL READ BOOKS, AND THE NEXT GENERATION WILL BE 408 00:20:19,927 --> 00:20:21,053 BETTER. 409 00:20:21,136 --> 00:20:22,387 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK BUT STICK AROUND, 410 00:20:22,471 --> 00:20:24,348 WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE MICHAEL MOORE. 411 00:20:41,907 --> 00:20:42,824 ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. 412 00:20:42,908 --> 00:20:45,118 WE'RE BACK HERE WITH MICHAEL MOORE. 413 00:20:45,202 --> 00:20:48,830 NOW, YOU'VE MADE DOCUMENTARIES OVER THE LAST FOUR YEARS, BUT IF 414 00:20:48,914 --> 00:20:51,458 YOU WERE GOING TO LOOK BACK AND MAKE A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT THE 415 00:20:51,541 --> 00:20:55,963 LAST FOUR YEARS IN AMERICA, ABOUT THE SWEEP OF IT, WHAT 416 00:20:56,046 --> 00:21:05,138 WOULD YOU SAY THE LESSON OR THE THEMES YOU WOULD TAKE FROM THE 417 00:21:05,222 --> 00:21:07,349 LAST FOUR YEARS OF THIS PRESIDENCY? 418 00:21:07,432 --> 00:21:11,395 >> FIRST, I WOULD NOT MAKE THAT FILM, IN PART BECAUSE WHO WOULD 419 00:21:11,478 --> 00:21:15,691 WANT TO WATCH A FILM THAT SHOWED YOU THE LAST FOUR YEARS? 420 00:21:15,774 --> 00:21:16,858 WE JUST LIVED THROUGH IT. 421 00:21:16,942 --> 00:21:19,903 THE WORST THING I COULD DO TO PEOPLE IS SHOW THEM THE LAST 422 00:21:19,987 --> 00:21:21,154 FOUR YEARS. 423 00:21:21,238 --> 00:21:23,323 FOR THAT REASON ALONE, THE IDEA IS OUT, BUT YOUR QUESTION IS A 424 00:21:23,407 --> 00:21:24,032 GOOD ONE. 425 00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:27,202 >> Stephen: THANK YOU. 426 00:21:27,285 --> 00:21:28,370 WHAT IF WE LEARNED? 427 00:21:28,453 --> 00:21:32,332 AND I THINK THE THING THAT'S BEEN -- THE FACT THAT WE AS 428 00:21:32,416 --> 00:21:37,087 AMERICANS WOULD ALLOW A SITUATION -- SO MANY SITUATIONS, 429 00:21:37,170 --> 00:21:40,257 ACTUALLY -- TO EXIST, WHETHER IT'S TAKING BABIES OUT OF THEIR 430 00:21:40,340 --> 00:21:43,844 MOTHERS' ARMS, PUTTING THEM IN CAGES, WHETHER IT'S ALL THE 431 00:21:43,927 --> 00:21:50,559 OTHER STUFF THAT WE LET THIS GO ON, IT WAS DONE IN OUR NAME, 432 00:21:50,642 --> 00:21:52,352 AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S -- YOU KNOW, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO ANSWER 433 00:21:52,436 --> 00:21:58,233 FOR THIS SOME DAY BECAUSE IT WAS DONE IN MY NAME, AND MY TAX 434 00:21:58,317 --> 00:21:59,443 DOLLARS PAID FOR IT. 435 00:21:59,526 --> 00:22:02,279 SO I THINK THAT'S A VERY -- I THINK IT'S GOING TO TAKE A WHILE 436 00:22:02,362 --> 00:22:03,530 FOR US. 437 00:22:03,613 --> 00:22:07,367 IN A WAY, I GUESS WE CAN REDEEM OURSELVES WITH THIS IS OUR NEW 438 00:22:07,451 --> 00:22:11,580 PRESIDENT AND VICE PRESIDENT ARE GOING TO DO THINGS THAT ARE 439 00:22:11,663 --> 00:22:13,749 GOING TO BE THERE FOR PEOPLE. 440 00:22:13,832 --> 00:22:21,089 I MEAN, JUST BEFORE WE STARTED, THE THING CAME ACROSS THAT THE 441 00:22:21,173 --> 00:22:25,093 POPE HAD CALLED JOE BIDEN, AND THEY HAD A CONVERSATION, AND THE 442 00:22:25,177 --> 00:22:29,431 BIDEN CAMPAIGN, THEY PUT OUT A READOUT OF WHAT THE CONVERSATION 443 00:22:29,514 --> 00:22:34,311 SAID, AND IN THERE THEY TALKED ABOUT -- BIDEN TALKED ABOUT, TO 444 00:22:34,394 --> 00:22:38,315 THE POPE, ABOUT HOW HE WAS GOING TO MAKE AMERICA A WELCOMING 445 00:22:38,398 --> 00:22:44,780 PLACE FOR PEOPLE, FOR REFUGEES, FOR THE HAVE-NOTS, AND THE 446 00:22:44,863 --> 00:22:49,326 HAVE-NOTS THAT WE HAVE HERE ARE GOING TO HAVE THE PRIMARY FOCUS 447 00:22:49,409 --> 00:22:51,453 BECAUSE, I MEAN, THIS IS OUR SECOND CATHOLIC PRESIDENT, SO, 448 00:22:51,536 --> 00:22:55,916 YOU KNOW, HE -- >> Stephen: THAT'S BEEN 449 00:22:55,999 --> 00:22:57,459 OVERLOOKED A LITTLE BIT. 450 00:22:57,542 --> 00:22:59,795 NOT AS MUCH A DEAL HAS BEEN MADE OF THAT. 451 00:22:59,878 --> 00:23:00,962 >> RIGHT. 452 00:23:01,046 --> 00:23:03,507 >> Stephen: BUT AS A CATHOLIC MYSELF, I WAS REALLY STRUCK -- 453 00:23:03,590 --> 00:23:12,140 FIRST OF ALL, I KNOW MR. BIDEN TO BE A FREQUENT IF NOT DAILY 454 00:23:12,224 --> 00:23:19,981 COMCOMMUNICANT AND HE TAKES HIS FAITH SERIOUSLY AND I'M MOVED 455 00:23:20,065 --> 00:23:23,401 WITH THE CONVERSATIONS I'VE HAD WITH HIM PUBLICLY AND PRIVATELY 456 00:23:23,485 --> 00:23:26,488 ABOUT HIS FAITH, AND YOU'VE HAD AN OPEN CONVERSATION ABOUT HIS 457 00:23:26,571 --> 00:23:27,155 RELIGION. 458 00:23:27,239 --> 00:23:28,406 WHY IS THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU? 459 00:23:28,490 --> 00:23:33,328 >> BECAUSE HE AND YOU AND I, WE ALL WENT TO CATHOLIC SCHOOL AND 460 00:23:33,411 --> 00:23:34,663 LEARNED THE SAME LESSONS. 461 00:23:34,746 --> 00:23:37,499 I SAID TO HIM IN THIS LETTER, WHAT ARE THE LESSONS? 462 00:23:37,582 --> 00:23:42,504 THE LESSON IS THE RICH MAN WILL HAVE A HARDER TIME GETTING INTO 463 00:23:42,587 --> 00:23:44,631 HEAVEN THAN A CAMEL GETTING INTO THE EYE OF A NEEDLE. 464 00:23:44,714 --> 00:23:51,054 BLESSED ARE THE POOR, THAT WE HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THOSE WHO 465 00:23:51,138 --> 00:23:54,474 DON'T -- WHO ARE THE LEAST AMONG US, THAT'S HOW WE'LL BE JUDGED. 466 00:23:54,558 --> 00:23:58,895 SO I SAID I'M ASSUMING -- I SAID THIS TO HIM -- THAT THESE ARE 467 00:23:58,979 --> 00:24:02,399 GOING TO BE THE MORAL PRINCIPLES OF THE BIDEN PRESIDENCY. 468 00:24:02,482 --> 00:24:05,694 I'M JUST GOING TO ASSUME THAT AUTOMATICALLY BECAUSE I DO 469 00:24:05,777 --> 00:24:09,197 BELIEVE HE'S A MAN OF FAITH, AND I THINK THAT IS GOING TO SERVE 470 00:24:09,281 --> 00:24:10,365 US REALLY WELL. 471 00:24:10,448 --> 00:24:15,370 FOR THIS EXAMPLE, STEPHEN, THE FACT THAT HE PICKED KAMALA 472 00:24:15,453 --> 00:24:18,540 HARRIS TO BE HIS RUNNING MATE, BUT ASIDE THE FACT THAT TRUMP 473 00:24:18,623 --> 00:24:28,508 AND PENCE WERE RIGHT WHEN SHE IS RANKED THE MOST LIBERAL SENATOR 474 00:24:28,592 --> 00:24:33,555 IN THE UNITED STATES SENATE, SO HE WENT TO THE LEFT WHEN HE 475 00:24:33,638 --> 00:24:34,723 CHOSE HIS VICE PRESIDENT. 476 00:24:34,806 --> 00:24:36,600 MORE THAN THAT, IN THE FIRST DEBATE, SHE WENT AFTER HIM. 477 00:24:36,683 --> 00:24:41,104 >> Stephen: OH, THEY BUTTED HEADS, YEAH. 478 00:24:41,188 --> 00:24:43,440 >> AND YOU COULD SEE ON HIS FACE, HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO 479 00:24:43,523 --> 00:24:44,566 SAY. 480 00:24:44,649 --> 00:24:46,443 LATER I THOUGHT, HE HAS A CONSCIENCE, THERE'S A LITTLE 481 00:24:46,526 --> 00:24:49,696 VOICE IN THERE SAYING, WELL, YOU KNOW, MAYBE SHE'S GOT A POINT. 482 00:24:49,779 --> 00:24:54,451 YOU KNOW, BUT THAT WAS THE YOUNGER ME. 483 00:24:54,534 --> 00:24:57,913 AND SHE WAS THROWING SHADE ON THE YOUNGER SELF OF JOE BIDEN. 484 00:24:57,996 --> 00:25:04,628 BUT THE FACT THAT NOT ONLY HE FORGAVE THAT, THAT HE HELD NO 485 00:25:04,711 --> 00:25:07,547 GRUDGE, THAT HE JUST DIDN'T FORGIVE, HE PUT HER ON THE 486 00:25:07,631 --> 00:25:09,925 TICKET, WHO WOULD DO THAT? 487 00:25:10,008 --> 00:25:12,260 I WOULD LIKE TO THINK I WOULD, BUT I DON'T THINK I WOULD. 488 00:25:12,344 --> 00:25:14,179 I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WOULD. 489 00:25:14,262 --> 00:25:18,600 YOU KNOW, WE WOULD LIKE -- HE DID THAT, AND I THOUGHT, WOW, IF 490 00:25:18,683 --> 00:25:22,562 THAT IS HIS MORAL COMPASS, IF THIS IS HOW HE IS TOWARD PEOPLE, 491 00:25:22,646 --> 00:25:28,109 PEOPLE WHO HE PROBABLY -- HE WAS PROBABLY MAD AT HER THAT NIGHT, 492 00:25:28,193 --> 00:25:32,239 BUT HE DIDN'T HOLD IT AGAINST HER, SHE HAD A RIGHT TO SAY IT, 493 00:25:32,322 --> 00:25:33,782 THEN HE PICS HER TO BE VICE PRESIDENT. 494 00:25:33,865 --> 00:25:38,620 THIS IS SUCH A POSITIVE SIGN FOR ME THAT WE ARE GOING TO BE IN 495 00:25:38,703 --> 00:25:41,623 THE POLAR OPPOSITE ERA THAN THE FOUR YEARS THAT WE JUST WENT 496 00:25:41,706 --> 00:25:42,207 THROUGH. 497 00:25:42,290 --> 00:25:43,458 >> Stephen: I WOULD AGREE. 498 00:25:43,541 --> 00:25:48,129 WHILE THE UNITED STATES STILL HAS THE SAME PROBLEMS IT HAD TWO 499 00:25:48,213 --> 00:25:51,967 WEEKS AGO, AT LEAST THE POSITION OF THE PRESIDENT WILL BE 500 00:25:52,050 --> 00:25:56,304 OCCUPIED BY SOMEONE WHO IS GOING TO EMBODY SOME OF THE 501 00:25:56,388 --> 00:25:59,599 PRINCIPLES, RELIGIOUS OR NOT, THAT WE NEED AS A MORAL EXAMPLE 502 00:25:59,683 --> 00:26:02,352 FOR ALL OF US TO GET ALONG. 503 00:26:02,435 --> 00:26:04,312 MYEL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE. 504 00:26:04,396 --> 00:26:06,648 HIS PODCAST "RUMBLE WITH MICHAEL MOORE" IS AVAILABLE ON APPLE 505 00:26:06,731 --> 00:26:07,440 PODCAST. 506 00:26:07,524 --> 00:26:10,318 THE MAN IS MICHAEL MOORE, EVERYBODY. 507 00:26:10,402 --> 00:26:14,656 WHEN WE COME BACK, ST STEVE CARE AND I DISCUSS EXCITING MOVIES WE 508 00:26:14,739 --> 00:26:15,615 FORGOT WE MADE TOGETHER. 509 00:26:15,699 --> 00:26:17,534 STICK AROUND, THANKS, MYEL. 510 00:26:31,756 --> 00:26:32,507 ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, 511 00:26:32,590 --> 00:26:33,633 EVERYBODY. 512 00:26:33,717 --> 00:26:35,552 AS YOU KNOW, DUE TO THE PANDEMIC, THE RELEASE OF A LOT 513 00:26:35,635 --> 00:26:37,679 OF BIG HOLLYWOOD MOVIES HAVE BEEN DELAYED. 514 00:26:37,762 --> 00:26:40,807 IN FACT, WE EVEN HAD TO DELAY THE RELEASE OF A SEGMENT I SHOT 515 00:26:40,890 --> 00:26:45,979 SIX MONTHS AGO ABOUT THE DELAYED RELEASE OF BIG HOLLYWOOD MOVIES. 516 00:26:46,062 --> 00:26:48,857 THANKFULLY, I CAN FINALLY SHOW IT TO YOU NOW. 517 00:26:48,940 --> 00:26:52,027 HERE'S A CONVERSATION I HAD A FEW MONTHS AGO WITH MY DEAR OLD 518 00:26:52,110 --> 00:26:54,904 FRIEND STEVE CARELL. 519 00:26:54,988 --> 00:26:58,033 WE'RE HERE WITH OUR FRIEND STEVE CARELL. 520 00:26:58,116 --> 00:26:59,826 STEVE, THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE TONIGHT. 521 00:26:59,909 --> 00:27:01,494 >> YEAH, WHATEVER. 522 00:27:01,578 --> 00:27:02,746 >> Stephen: OKAY. 523 00:27:02,829 --> 00:27:06,374 YOU KNOW, STEVE, YOU ALWAYS HAVE SO MANY PROJECTS GOING AT THE 524 00:27:06,458 --> 00:27:08,752 SAME TIME, SUCH A BUSY MAN, BUT, YOU KNOW, UNFORTUNATELY, SO MANY 525 00:27:08,835 --> 00:27:12,756 PROJECTS ARE BEING DELAYED RIGHT NOW, AND EVEN FILMS THAT ARE 526 00:27:12,839 --> 00:27:20,055 SHOW AREN'T BEING RELEASED BECAUSE THERE ARE NO THEATERS 527 00:27:20,138 --> 00:27:20,764 OPEN. 528 00:27:20,847 --> 00:27:23,558 >> YEAH, IT'S A TRICKY SITUATION. 529 00:27:23,641 --> 00:27:26,394 >> Stephen: WELL SAID. 530 00:27:26,478 --> 00:27:29,564 NOW, YOU AND I -- >> (LAUGHING). 531 00:27:29,647 --> 00:27:32,734 >> Stephen: I REALIZE I DIDN'T ASK YOU A QUESTION I JUST LEFT A 532 00:27:32,817 --> 00:27:34,694 SPACE IN THE SENTENCE FOR YOU TO FILL IN. 533 00:27:34,778 --> 00:27:38,615 SO I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR BEING SLIGHTLY TAS TURN IN YOUR 534 00:27:38,698 --> 00:27:39,032 RESPONSE. 535 00:27:39,115 --> 00:27:40,450 THAT'S ON ME. 536 00:27:40,533 --> 00:27:41,743 THAT'S ON ME. 537 00:27:41,826 --> 00:27:44,412 >> (LAUGHING) BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK I'M PLAYING THE 538 00:27:44,496 --> 00:27:47,082 CHARACTER OF, HEY, I'M GOING TO BE THE GUEST WHO'S NOT GOING TO 539 00:27:47,165 --> 00:27:48,875 HELP HIM OUT. 540 00:27:48,958 --> 00:27:50,877 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NOW, HERE'S THE 541 00:27:50,960 --> 00:27:54,923 THING, ALL THESE MOVIES ARE BEING PUSHED, YOU KNOW, AND 542 00:27:55,006 --> 00:27:59,052 THEY'RE NOT BEING RELEASED, AND SOME PEOPLE MAY NEVER SEE THESE 543 00:27:59,135 --> 00:28:02,222 MOVIES, THEY MAY NEVER BE RELEASED, INCLUDING ALL THE 544 00:28:02,305 --> 00:28:03,765 MOVIES YOU AND I MADE IN THE LAST YEAR. 545 00:28:03,848 --> 00:28:04,808 >> AND WE HAVE A LOT. 546 00:28:04,891 --> 00:28:08,228 >> Stephen: SO MANY I FORGOT -- A, I FORGOT THAT WE 547 00:28:08,311 --> 00:28:09,270 MADE THEM. 548 00:28:09,354 --> 00:28:10,772 >> I EKNOW, BUT THEY WERE FUN TO WORK ON WITH YOU. 549 00:28:10,855 --> 00:28:14,567 >> Stephen: I REMEMBER ENJOYING DOING THEM, BUT I DON'T 550 00:28:14,651 --> 00:28:17,278 REMEMBER WHAT THEY WERE, WHAT THEY WERE CALLED, WHO WE PLAYED 551 00:28:17,362 --> 00:28:18,738 OR WHAT THE PLOT WAS. 552 00:28:18,822 --> 00:28:19,823 >> YEAH, IT'S ALL A BLUR. 553 00:28:19,906 --> 00:28:23,743 >> Stephen: THANKFULLY, MY GRAPHICS DEPARTMENT MADE UP 554 00:28:23,827 --> 00:28:27,622 POSTERS FOR ALL THESE MOVIES THAT NEITHER YOU NOR I CAN 555 00:28:27,705 --> 00:28:30,625 REMEMBER AND WE'LL TRY TO REMEMBER THE MOVIES NOW BY 556 00:28:30,708 --> 00:28:31,292 LOOKING AT THE POSTERS. 557 00:28:31,376 --> 00:28:33,336 ARE YOU PREPARED TO DO THIS? 558 00:28:33,420 --> 00:28:35,255 >> YEAH, THIS WILL BE A NICE TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE. 559 00:28:35,338 --> 00:28:40,176 >> Stephen: WELL, GOOD, BECAUSE THIS IS "MAYBE COMING 560 00:28:40,260 --> 00:28:40,760 SOON." 561 00:28:40,844 --> 00:28:43,972 ♪ ♪ 562 00:28:44,055 --> 00:28:47,350 WELCOME TO "MAYBE COMING SOON" WHERE STEVE AND I WILL LOOK AT 563 00:28:47,434 --> 00:28:50,770 MOVIE POSTERS FROM MOVIES WE MADE THAT WE CAN'T REMEMBER AND 564 00:28:50,854 --> 00:28:51,688 TRY TO REMEMBER. 565 00:28:51,771 --> 00:28:55,275 JIM, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE FIRST POSTER. 566 00:28:55,358 --> 00:28:56,818 WHAT DID STEVE AND I DO? 567 00:28:56,901 --> 00:28:59,487 THE DRACULA PILL. 568 00:28:59,571 --> 00:29:04,826 THIS DRUG COULD UNLEASH YOUR BRAIN'S POTENTIAL TO BE DRACULA. 569 00:29:04,909 --> 00:29:07,954 >> OH, MY GOD I FOUGHT SO HARD FOR FIRST BILLING ON THIS. 570 00:29:08,037 --> 00:29:09,998 >> Stephen: YEAH. 571 00:29:10,081 --> 00:29:15,170 REMEMBER, WE WENT BACK AND FORTH, DRACULA PILL, 572 00:29:15,253 --> 00:29:18,840 COLBERT-CARELL OR CARELL-COLBERT. 573 00:29:18,923 --> 00:29:20,884 WAS MY NAME GOING TO BE FIRST BUT LOWER AND YOUR NAME WAS 574 00:29:20,967 --> 00:29:24,888 GOING TO BE SECOND BUT HIGHER? 575 00:29:24,971 --> 00:29:29,517 AND I THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ACQUIESCING ON THAT. 576 00:29:29,601 --> 00:29:33,146 >> Stephen: WELL, YOU'RE WELCOME, YOU KNOW. 577 00:29:33,229 --> 00:29:35,523 WE EACH GAVE UP SOMETHING, YOU KNOW. 578 00:29:35,607 --> 00:29:37,192 WE EACH GIVE SOMETHING. 579 00:29:37,275 --> 00:29:40,236 I REMEMBER YOU WANTED YOUR NAME TO BE IN THAT DRIPPY BLOOD FONT 580 00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:43,865 FROM THE MUNSTERS, AND I SAID, NO, BUT I'M DRACULA, WHY WOULD 581 00:29:43,948 --> 00:29:45,867 YOU GET THE DRIPPY BLOOD FONT. 582 00:29:45,950 --> 00:29:47,785 >> YEAH, WELL, YOU WERE THE TITLE CHARACTER. 583 00:29:47,869 --> 00:29:51,539 >> Stephen: SURE, I AM. 584 00:29:51,623 --> 00:29:53,708 ROGER PILL. 585 00:29:53,791 --> 00:29:57,378 >> WELL, LET'S JUST BREAK DOWN THE PREMISE ITSELF. 586 00:29:57,462 --> 00:30:01,716 AS A SCIENTIST, I DEVELOPED THIS EENORMOUS PILL THAT I AM GOING 587 00:30:01,799 --> 00:30:11,768 TO USE AS A SUPPOSITORY TO TURN PEOPLE INTO VAMPIRES. 588 00:30:11,851 --> 00:30:16,731 I MEET YOU AT THE HEALTH CLUB BUN WAY, HELLO, MY NAME IS ROGER 589 00:30:16,814 --> 00:30:17,524 PILL. 590 00:30:17,607 --> 00:30:19,859 >> Stephen: I'M ON THE SQUAT MACHINE. 591 00:30:19,943 --> 00:30:22,070 >> RIGHT, WHICH STRUCK MY CHARACTER -- 592 00:30:22,153 --> 00:30:24,280 >> Stephen: AS HANDY. 593 00:30:24,364 --> 00:30:24,822 WHAT'S THAT? 594 00:30:24,906 --> 00:30:28,243 >> Stephen: AS HANDY. 595 00:30:28,326 --> 00:30:33,081 ( LAUGHTER ) JIM. 596 00:30:33,164 --> 00:30:35,250 >> OH, THAT BIONIC EYE. 597 00:30:35,333 --> 00:30:38,628 THAT THING WAS -- THAT THING WAS THE DEATH OF ME. 598 00:30:38,711 --> 00:30:40,421 >> Stephen: A NIGHTMARE. 599 00:30:40,505 --> 00:30:45,552 HOW MANY HOURS IN THE MAKEUP CHAIR EVERY DAY? 600 00:30:45,635 --> 00:30:49,222 >> IT WAS LIKE 16 HOURS A DAY OF MAKEUP. 601 00:30:49,305 --> 00:30:52,058 THEY'D ACTUALLY FOLD MY ACTUAL EYEBALL OUT TO THE SIDE SO THEY 602 00:30:52,141 --> 00:30:57,397 COULD FIND A RECESS WITHIN MY EYE SOCKET TO PUT THAT LIGHT 603 00:30:57,480 --> 00:30:58,189 UNIT. 604 00:30:58,273 --> 00:31:01,067 >> Stephen: WHY NOT DO IT DIGITALLY. 605 00:31:01,150 --> 00:31:02,110 >> WELL, RIGHT. 606 00:31:02,193 --> 00:31:05,863 I THINK THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN EASIER ON ME, BUT THE 607 00:31:05,947 --> 00:31:09,951 PRODUCERS -- AND I WAS A PRODUCER, SO I COULD HAVE SAID 608 00:31:10,034 --> 00:31:11,160 SOMETHING. 609 00:31:11,244 --> 00:31:14,914 >> Stephen: BUT NO ONE COULD UNDERSTAND A DAMN WORD YOU WERE 610 00:31:14,998 --> 00:31:17,792 SAYING OVER THE SCREAMING BECAUSE IT WAS JUST HORRIBLE TO 611 00:31:17,875 --> 00:31:22,839 LOOK AT, HORRIBLE PROCESS TO LOOK AT, AND ON A CERTAIN LEVEL, 612 00:31:22,922 --> 00:31:25,008 I'M GLAD THIS ONE'S NOT COMING OUT. 613 00:31:25,091 --> 00:31:26,801 SAD. 614 00:31:26,884 --> 00:31:28,303 SAD. 615 00:31:28,386 --> 00:31:28,761 >> YEAH. 616 00:31:28,845 --> 00:31:31,097 >> Stephen: YEP. 617 00:31:31,180 --> 00:31:33,266 LAURA WAS GREAT IN THIS, TOO. 618 00:31:33,349 --> 00:31:38,479 >> Stephen: SHE MADE MARMEE. 619 00:31:38,563 --> 00:31:39,022 HUH? 620 00:31:39,105 --> 00:31:39,522 YOU WERE GOING TO SAY. 621 00:31:39,606 --> 00:31:41,107 >> Stephen: MARMEE. 622 00:31:41,190 --> 00:31:41,524 YES. 623 00:31:41,608 --> 00:31:45,320 >> Stephen: JIM? 624 00:31:45,403 --> 00:31:46,321 OH, MAN! 625 00:31:46,404 --> 00:31:47,989 >> Stephen: I AM DYING FOR THIS ONE TO COME OUT. 626 00:31:48,072 --> 00:31:52,076 >> ME, TOO! 627 00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:55,663 THIS ONE -- AH! 628 00:31:55,747 --> 00:31:57,123 THIS ONE, I REMEMBER REALLY WELL. 629 00:31:57,206 --> 00:31:57,832 REMEMBER? 630 00:31:57,915 --> 00:32:00,960 >> Stephen: YES, WHEN -- OKAY -- 631 00:32:01,044 --> 00:32:01,961 >> Stephen: YOU -- GO AHEAD. 632 00:32:02,045 --> 00:32:04,380 >> Stephen: NO. 633 00:32:04,464 --> 00:32:05,673 PLEASE, START. 634 00:32:05,757 --> 00:32:06,215 >> THAT SHARK. 635 00:32:06,299 --> 00:32:08,176 >> Stephen: THAT SHARK. 636 00:32:08,259 --> 00:32:10,386 I REMEMBER -- >> Stephen: SO FUNNY. 637 00:32:10,470 --> 00:32:14,599 HE SMELLED SO BAD! 638 00:32:14,682 --> 00:32:18,019 (LAUGHING) YOU WERE, LIKE, I'M GOING TO GRAB THE FRONT OF THE 639 00:32:18,102 --> 00:32:19,020 SHARK. 640 00:32:19,103 --> 00:32:21,314 I'M, LIKE, OKAY, YOU SPELL THAT SHARK'S BREATH! 641 00:32:21,397 --> 00:32:24,150 >> Stephen: THE SHARK WAS -- I MEAN, BAD BREATH! 642 00:32:24,233 --> 00:32:27,320 >> Stephen: AND I WAS, LIKE, WHY CAN'T SOMEBODY WASH THIS 643 00:32:27,403 --> 00:32:28,529 SHARK BEFORE WE SHOOT? 644 00:32:28,613 --> 00:32:33,534 THEY'RE, LIKE, IT'S LIVING IN WATER, IT'S ALWAYS BEING WASHED. 645 00:32:33,618 --> 00:32:35,662 >> IT'S GOING TO SMELL, NO MATTER WHAT WE DO. 646 00:32:35,745 --> 00:32:37,080 >> Stephen: OH, GOSH! 647 00:32:37,163 --> 00:32:44,003 AND TRYING TO GET THE SHARK FROM ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO, 648 00:32:44,087 --> 00:32:46,881 FOR THE -- >> Stephen: FOR THE BIG 649 00:32:46,964 --> 00:32:47,382 CONCERT. 650 00:32:47,465 --> 00:32:49,550 >> FOR THE CONCERT. 651 00:32:49,634 --> 00:32:52,220 ( LAUGHTER ) THIS WHOLE THING WAS JUMP A JOY. 652 00:32:52,303 --> 00:32:54,555 >> Stephen: SOMETIMES YOU'RE ASKED TO LEARN THINGS FOR A 653 00:32:54,639 --> 00:33:00,353 MOVIE OR A PROJECT, LIKE, YOU KNOW, KEANU REEVES HAD TO LEARN 654 00:33:00,436 --> 00:33:02,480 KUNG FU FOR THE MATRIX MOVIES. 655 00:33:02,563 --> 00:33:03,690 >> YEAH. 656 00:33:03,773 --> 00:33:06,067 >> Stephen: AND YOU AND I BOTH HAD TO LEARN HOW TO TAG GREAT 657 00:33:06,150 --> 00:33:07,735 WHITE SHARKS. 658 00:33:07,819 --> 00:33:09,195 >> AND I'LL NEVER FORGET IT. 659 00:33:09,278 --> 00:33:09,654 THAT WAS FUN. 660 00:33:09,737 --> 00:33:12,240 >> Stephen: YEAH. 661 00:33:12,323 --> 00:33:13,282 IT WAS FUN. 662 00:33:13,366 --> 00:33:16,202 AND JOSEPH, WHO ORIGINALLY TAUGHT US HOW TO DO IT. 663 00:33:16,285 --> 00:33:18,746 >> Stephen: YASH, HE WILL BE MISSED. 664 00:33:18,830 --> 00:33:23,292 >> HE WAS A WONDERFUL MAN. 665 00:33:23,376 --> 00:33:25,837 AND I -- >> Stephen: YOU AND HE REALLY 666 00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:27,422 HIT IT OFF. 667 00:33:27,505 --> 00:33:30,883 THE TWO OF YOU -- I WAS A LITTLE JEALOUS HOW THE TWO OF YOU HIT 668 00:33:30,967 --> 00:33:32,093 IT OFF. 669 00:33:32,176 --> 00:33:35,096 >> I WISH WE HADN'T BECAUSE THEN WHEN WE LOST HIM, IT WAS THAT 670 00:33:35,179 --> 00:33:35,930 MUCH MORE PAINFUL. 671 00:33:36,013 --> 00:33:38,766 I WISH I HAD SORT OF KEPT MY DISTANCE. 672 00:33:38,850 --> 00:33:39,934 I DO THAT NOW. 673 00:33:40,017 --> 00:33:42,770 I DON'T GET CLOSE TO PEOPLE ESPECIALLY IF THEY'RE DOING 674 00:33:42,854 --> 00:33:43,312 SOMETHING DANGEROUS. 675 00:33:43,396 --> 00:33:44,147 >> Stephen: WITH SHARKS? 676 00:33:44,230 --> 00:33:46,441 I JUST -- >> Stephen: I'M NOT GOING TO 677 00:33:46,524 --> 00:33:49,152 WIN ANY FRIENDS FOR SAYING THIS, I MIGHT GET BLOWBACK FOR SAYING 678 00:33:49,235 --> 00:33:53,448 THIS, BUT I THINK HE, ON A CERTAIN LEVEL, HAD IT COMING. 679 00:33:53,531 --> 00:33:55,116 HE WAS ASKING FOR IT. 680 00:33:55,199 --> 00:33:56,284 >> MM-HMM. 681 00:33:56,367 --> 00:33:59,495 >> Stephen: HE GOES IN -- HE GOES IN TO THE SHARK TANK, AND 682 00:33:59,579 --> 00:34:03,249 WE'RE, LIKE, TAKE OFF YOUR LUCKY HAM. 683 00:34:03,332 --> 00:34:03,875 >> YEAH. 684 00:34:03,958 --> 00:34:07,003 >> Stephen: HE'S, LIKE, NO. 685 00:34:07,086 --> 00:34:08,087 NO. 686 00:34:08,171 --> 00:34:10,798 IT'S ALWAYS -- IT'S ALWAYS BEEN GOOD FOR ME BEFORE. 687 00:34:10,882 --> 00:34:13,926 >> HE CARED ABOUT THAT HAM TOO MUCH AND AT THE EXPENSE OF HIS 688 00:34:14,010 --> 00:34:14,385 LIFE. 689 00:34:14,469 --> 00:34:15,261 >> Stephen: YEAH. 690 00:34:15,344 --> 00:34:15,928 DEDICATED. 691 00:34:16,012 --> 00:34:19,807 THIS MOVIE'S DEDICATED TO HIM. 692 00:34:19,891 --> 00:34:21,142 >> WELL, THAT WAS ACTUALLY TAKEN OFF AT THE END. 693 00:34:21,225 --> 00:34:22,477 >> Stephen: REALLY? 694 00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:25,146 WE DIDN'T -- WELL, IT'S SO -- THE MOVIE'S SO MUCH FUN. 695 00:34:25,229 --> 00:34:27,940 >> Stephen: RIGHT. 696 00:34:28,024 --> 00:34:32,153 AND IT'S JUST THE HI JINX AND IT'S SUCH A FARCE THAT WE DIDN'T 697 00:34:32,236 --> 00:34:34,280 WANT TO END WITH THAT BECAUSE WE THOUGHT -- 698 00:34:34,363 --> 00:34:37,158 >> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT JUST INSTEAD OF, LIKE, NO ANIMALS 699 00:34:37,241 --> 00:34:41,204 WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS MOVIE, BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE. 700 00:34:41,287 --> 00:34:43,289 WHAT ABOUT SOMETHING SIMPLE LIKE THAT? 701 00:34:43,372 --> 00:34:43,998 >> YEAH. 702 00:34:44,081 --> 00:34:47,960 >> Stephen: WELL, STEVE, A JOY. 703 00:34:48,044 --> 00:34:52,548 LISTEN, WE'VE GOT TO -- I'LL SEE YOU AT ALL THESE PREMIERES, IF 704 00:34:52,632 --> 00:34:54,050 ANY OF THEM COME OUT. 705 00:34:54,133 --> 00:34:58,805 >> I CANNOT -- I CAN'T WAIT FOR AAQUARIUM. 706 00:34:58,888 --> 00:34:59,889 >> Stephen: MIGHT HAVE TO. 707 00:34:59,972 --> 00:35:00,848 IT'S A GOOD ONE. 708 00:35:00,932 --> 00:35:03,976 >> Stephen: WE'RE BEING SUED BY JOE'S FAMILY. 709 00:35:04,060 --> 00:35:06,479 JUST -- AND THEY'VE GOT A GOOD CASE. 710 00:35:06,562 --> 00:35:08,481 THEY'VE GOT A DAMN GOOD CASE. 711 00:35:08,564 --> 00:35:11,400 STEVE, PEACE, MY BROTHER. 712 00:35:11,484 --> 00:35:12,568 >> YOU, TOO, TAKE CARE. 713 00:35:12,652 --> 00:35:13,694 >> Stephen: THANK YOU, STEVE CARELL. 714 00:35:13,778 --> 00:35:14,237 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY SARA BAREILLES. 715 00:35:40,346 --> 00:35:41,097 ♪ >> WE KEEP HEARING THE DRUM BEAT 716 00:35:41,180 --> 00:35:41,764 OF WHERE IS THE EVIDENCE. 717 00:35:41,848 --> 00:35:43,391 RIGHT HERE, SEAN. 718 00:35:43,474 --> 00:35:49,105 234 PAGES OF SWORN AFFIDAVITS -- THESE ARE REAL PEOPLE, REAL 719 00:35:49,188 --> 00:35:51,232 ALLEGATIONS, SIGNED WITH NOTARY -- 720 00:35:51,315 --> 00:35:52,066 >> HI THERE! 721 00:35:52,149 --> 00:35:54,569 I MAY LOOK LIKE A CREDIBLE DOCUMENT! 722 00:35:54,652 --> 00:35:57,238 AFTER ALL I'M A STACK OF PAPER LIABLE TO EXHIBIT. 723 00:35:57,321 --> 00:36:01,117 BUT THE TRUTH IS REPUBLICAN OPERATIVE SOLICITED MY 724 00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:06,581 AFFIDAVITS AND THE CALL WAS ANSWERED BY CONSPIRACY 725 00:36:06,664 --> 00:36:07,081 THEORISTS. 726 00:36:07,164 --> 00:36:07,582 I'M FULL OF CRAP! 727 00:36:07,665 --> 00:36:13,588 NOW SING IT WITH ME. 728 00:36:13,671 --> 00:36:14,088 ♪ ♪ 729 00:36:14,172 --> 00:36:14,463 YAY! 730 00:36:23,347 --> 00:36:25,766 >> Stephen: AROUND NOW PERFORMING THE TITLE TRACK FROM 731 00:36:25,850 --> 00:36:30,438 HER ALBUM "MORE LOVE: SONGS FROM 'LITTLE VOICE' SEASON ONE," SARA 732 00:36:30,521 --> 00:36:31,314 BAREILLES! 733 00:36:31,397 --> 00:36:35,943 ♪ OPENED UP MY EYES TO DAYLIGHT 734 00:36:36,027 --> 00:36:38,654 ♪ IN MY NEW CITY WHERE MAYBE I 735 00:36:38,738 --> 00:36:43,326 ♪ WILL WANDER TOO FAR AWAY 736 00:36:43,409 --> 00:36:49,790 ♪ FROM WHERE I STARTED OPENED UP MY HEART 737 00:36:49,874 --> 00:36:51,292 ♪ AND BREAK HER NO GENTLE WATERS 738 00:36:51,375 --> 00:36:56,672 ♪ NO ANCHOR I'M BARELY BRAVE ENOUGH 739 00:36:56,756 --> 00:37:02,762 ♪ TO KEEP BREATHING BUT I BELIEVE IN LOVE 740 00:37:02,845 --> 00:37:07,058 ♪ THERE IS ENOUGH SO ASK FOR MORE 741 00:37:07,141 --> 00:37:11,145 ♪ FILL YOU UP NOBODY'S KEEPING SCORE 742 00:37:11,228 --> 00:37:14,774 ♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU FIGHT FOR? 743 00:37:14,857 --> 00:37:15,608 ♪ WHAT YOU FIGHT FOR? 744 00:37:15,691 --> 00:37:23,449 I WANT MORE ♪ IN THE DEAD OF THE DARK 745 00:37:23,532 --> 00:37:27,370 THE HARD TIMES ♪ ON BROKEN BRANCHES 746 00:37:27,453 --> 00:37:35,544 AND LIFE LINES ♪ REMEMBER IT'S ALL A GAME 747 00:37:35,628 --> 00:37:40,216 A GRAND DESIGN ♪ THAT YOU CAN'T TAME 748 00:37:40,299 --> 00:37:43,344 OPEN UP YOUR EYES ♪ AND CRY THEN 749 00:37:43,427 --> 00:37:47,181 MOURN YOUR CHILD ♪ YOUR INNOCENCE 750 00:37:47,264 --> 00:37:51,435 AND TURN AROUND TO FACE THIS 751 00:37:51,519 --> 00:37:55,898 ♪ PLAYGROUND AND COME WITH 752 00:37:55,982 --> 00:37:59,610 ♪ THERE IS ENOUGH SO ASK FOR MORE 753 00:37:59,694 --> 00:38:02,863 ♪ TO FILL YOU UP NOBODY'S KEEPING SCORE 754 00:38:02,947 --> 00:38:07,493 ♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU FIGHT FOR? 755 00:38:07,576 --> 00:38:08,244 ♪ WHAT YOU FIGHT FOR? 756 00:38:08,327 --> 00:38:12,415 I WANT MORE LOVE ♪ THERE IS ENOUGH 757 00:38:12,498 --> 00:38:15,501 SO ASK FOR MORE ♪ TO FILL YOU UP 758 00:38:15,584 --> 00:38:19,505 NOBODY'S KEEPING SCORE ♪ DO YOU KNOW 759 00:38:19,588 --> 00:38:23,509 WHAT YOU FIGHT FOR? 760 00:38:23,592 --> 00:38:26,846 ♪ WHAT YOU FIGHT FOR? 761 00:38:26,929 --> 00:38:31,434 I WANT MORE OF ME 762 00:38:31,517 --> 00:38:40,317 ♪ MORE OF YOU MORE WANDERING INTO NIGHT SKIES 763 00:38:40,401 --> 00:38:47,450 ♪ FROM THE SUNRISE SIDE VIEW MORE DEEP BREATHS 764 00:38:47,533 --> 00:38:55,458 ♪ MORE EXHALES MORE WANDERING OFF THE ROAD 765 00:38:55,541 --> 00:39:02,923 ♪ FOR MY STORY TO TELL MY STORY TO TELL 766 00:39:03,007 --> 00:39:15,561 ♪ MY STORY TO TELL THERE IS ENOUGH 767 00:39:15,644 --> 00:39:23,569 ♪ THERE IS ENOUGH DO YOU KNOW 768 00:39:23,652 --> 00:39:31,577 ♪ WHAT YOU FIGHT FOR? 769 00:39:31,660 --> 00:39:36,624 I WANT MORE LOVE ♪ I WANT MORE LOVE 770 00:39:36,707 --> 00:39:40,336 DO YOU KNOW ♪ WHAT YOU FIGHT FOR? 771 00:39:40,419 --> 00:39:43,506 WHAT YOU FIGHT FOR? 772 00:39:43,589 --> 00:39:59,313 ♪ I WANT MORE LOVE >> Stephen: SARA BAREILLES, 773 00:39:59,396 --> 00:39:59,814 EVERYBODY. 774 00:39:59,897 --> 00:40:00,898 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 775 00:40:09,615 --> 00:40:10,366 >> Stephen: HEY THERE. 776 00:40:10,449 --> 00:40:11,617 THAT'S IT FOR "A LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY. 777 00:40:11,700 --> 00:40:15,037 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT, BUT FIRST, LET'S SAY GOOD NIGHT WITH SOME 778 00:40:15,121 --> 00:40:16,455 MUSIC FROM JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 779 00:40:16,539 --> 00:40:17,456 ♪ ♪ 780 00:40:17,540 --> 00:40:20,042 ♪ ♪ 781 00:40:20,126 --> 00:40:20,584 ♪ Captioning sponsored by CBS 782 00:40:23,921 --> 00:40:24,505 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH 783 00:40:24,588 --> 00:40:25,798 access.wgbh.org ♪ ♪ ♪