>> ACCORDING TO REPORTS, PRESIDENT TRUMP REMAINS BUNKERED
IN THE WHITE HOUSE AND STILL STAFFERS UNSURE HOW TO PROCEED.
"WITHOUT THE GO-AHEAD TO START PLANNING FOR A MOVE OUT OF THE
WHITE HOUSE IN 64 DAYS, THERE IS NO PACKING TO BEGIN AND NO
MOVING TRUCKS TO BOOK, LEAVING STAFFERS IN THE LIMBO OF 'DO WE
STAY OR DO WE GO?'" >> DO YOU KNOW SOMEBODY THAT
LOST THEIR LEASE BECAUSE OF A FREE AND FAIR ELECTION, BUT
THEY'RE REFUSING TO MOVE?
THEN CALL F-U-HAUL, THE LEADER IN REMOVING ONE-TERM PRESIDENTS
WHO JUST WON'T LEAVE.
WE'LL CAREFULLY WRAP THE OBSOLETE PACKAGE AND WHEEL IT
AWAY, WHETHER ACROSS TOWN OR VIA CARGO SHIP WITH NO SPECIFIC
DESTINATION.
IT'S THAT EASY!
AND F-U-HAUL DOES A THOROUGH JOB REMOVING ALL THE RELATED
GARBAGE.
SO CALL F-U-HAUL TODAY.
REMEMBER OUR MOTTO: >> GET 'EM OUT OF HERE!
>> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES
MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY AND CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HOMIN'.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE
BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
I'LL GET RIGHT TO IT, BAD NEWS FIRST.
THE PRESIDENT IS ACTIVELY WORKING TO UNDERMINE OUR
DEMOCRACY, USURP THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE, AND HOLD ONTO POWER, IN
VIOLATION OF OUR CONSTITUTION.
GOOD NEWS: HE IS REALLY BAD AT IT.
THE PRESIDENT IS DESPERATE TO SOMEHOW THROW OUT THE VOTES FOR
BIDEN, BUT LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE IN HIS ADMINISTRATION, IT'S BEEN
A RACE BETWEEN AUTOCRACY AND INCOMPETENCE.
AND WITH THIS CROWD, INCOMPETENCE IS USAIN BOLT, WHO
MAKES IT ACROSS THE FINISH LINE, STEPS IN A BUCKET, AND GETS HIS
HEAD STUCK IN A TOILET.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT THE IN COUP-NANIGANS IN TONIGHT'S
EDITION OF: ( TUNE OF "THREE BLIND MICE" )
♪ DEAD PEOPLE VOTE DEAD PEOPLE VOTE
♪ I SAW THEM VOTE THEY ARE ZOMBIES
♪ THEY VOTE, AND THEN THEY EAT SOME BRAINS
♪ THEY GAVE BIDEN THE STATE OF MAINE
♪ IT MAKES SENSE IF YOU SNORT COCAINE
♪ DEAD PEOPLE VOTE ♪ >> "THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE
HOUSE."
>> Stephen: HE'S GOT A REALLY LOVELY VOICE.
CONSIDERING HOW HARD HE'S WORKING TO KEEP THE JOB, THE
PRESIDENT SURE ISN'T DOING MUCH OF IT.
FOR THE 11th TIME SINCE THE ELECTION, HIS SCHEDULE TODAY
LISTED "NO PUBLIC EVENTS."
MAYBE THAT'S JUST HOW HE OBSERVES QUARANTINE: HE NEVER
LEAVES THE HOUSE, UNLESS HE KNOWS HE'S SPREADING THE VIRUS.
APPARENTLY, EL PRESIDENTE HAS EVEN CANCELED HIS PLANS TO
TRAVEL TO MAR-A-LAGO FOR THANKSGIVING, DECIDING TO STAY
IN WASHINGTON INSTEAD.
SMART MOVE.
THE MINUTE HE STEPS OUT OF THERE, YOU KNOW THEY'RE CHANGING
ALL THE LOCKS.
BUT AS MUCH AS HE WANTS TO DENY REALITY, THE POTUS WHO LOST THE
VOTE-US CAN'T ESCAPE IT.
FOR INSTANCE, WHEN HE LOOKS OUT HIS NORTH-FACING WINDOWS, HE CAN
SEE THE REVIEWING STAND FOR BIDEN'S INAUGURAL PARADE BEING
RE-ERECTED ON HIS FRONT LAWN.
IT'S LIKE WATCHING YOUR WIFE GO OUT ON A DATE WITH SOMEONE ELSE
ON YOUR FRONT LAWN, GETTING RE-ERECTED.
AND THIS TIME, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GOING TO SHOW UP TO WATCH.
BUT THE PRESIDENT IS RUNNING OUT OF TIME.
ONE BY ONE, THE STATES ARE STARTING TO CERTIFY THE RESULTS,
AND THAT WILL BE THE END OF HIS ONE TERM.
AND BEFORE THAT CONSUMMATION DEVOUTLY TO BE WISHED, THE
REPUBLICANS ARE THROWING SOME PRETTY DISGRACEFUL HAIL MARYS.
TAKE YESTERDAY IN MICHIGAN.
THE CANVASSING BOARD OF THE STATE'S LARGEST COUNTY, WAYNE
COUNTY, WHICH INCLUDES DETROIT, IS HALF REPUBLICAN, HALF
DEMOCRAT, TO MAKE IT NON-PARTISAN.
BUT LAST NIGHT, THE TWO REPUBLICANS REFUSED TO CERTIFY
THE RESULTS, AND THE BOARD ENDED UP DEADLOCKED 2-2.
OH, WHAT A TO-DO TO TRY TODAY TO DEADLOCK 2-2, A THING DISTINCTLY
HARD TO SAY BUT HARDER STILL TO DO.
( CLEARS THROAT ) SOREY, I'M ALL WARMED UP.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
THE TWO REPUBLICANS CLAIMED TO BE CONCERNED THAT IN DETROIT,
THERE WERE MINOR DISCREPANCIES, IN WHICH THE NUMBER OF VOTES
CAST DID NOT MATCH THE NUMBER OF VOTERS LISTED AS HAVING SHOWN UP
TO VOTE.
THIS IS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS EVERYWHERE.
SO IT'S OUTRAGEOUS THAT THE REPUBLICAN CHAIR SAID SHE WOULD
BE OPEN TO CERTIFYING THE VOTE IN "COMMUNITIES OTHER THAN
DETROIT."
OH, HELL, NO!
YOU CAN'T DISENFRANCHISE MOTOWN!
EACH ONE OF THOSE VOTES WAS "SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED."
YOU CAN'T TURN OUR DEMOCRATIC PROCESS INTO A "BALL OF
CONFUSION" JUST TO APPEASE THE "TEARS OF A CLOWN."
I COULD GO ON.
UPHE'S TELLING ME NOT TO.
WHATEVER THE REASON-- RACISM WAS THE REASON-- THE PRESIDENT'S
TEAM WAS THRILLED, ESPECIALLY CAMPAIGN LEGAL ADVISER AND WOMAN
TELLING YOU YOU'LL NEVER LEAVE THIS TIME-SHARE SEMINAR ALIVE,
JENNA ELLIS.
SHE TWEETED, "BREAKING: THIS EVENING, THE COUNTY BOARD OF
CANVASSERS IN WAYNE COUNTY, MICHIGAN, REFUSED TO CERTIFY THE
ELECTION RESULTS.
IF THE STATE BOARD FOLLOWS SUIT, THE REPUBLICAN STATE LEGISLATOR
WILL SELECT THE ELECTORS."
DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST COUP D'ETAT, BUT YOU'RE KIND OF
GIVING AWAY THE GAME THERE, JENNA.
AND AS LONG AS YOU'RE WRITING FASCIST FAN FICTION, WHY NOT
JUST GO FOR IT: "THEN THE TANKS WILL ROLL THROUGH THE STREETS,
AND WE WILL ARREST EVERYONE WITH AN "I VOTED" STICKER AND CHANGE
THE NATIONAL ANTHEM TO 'Y.M.C.A.,' BUT THIS TIME, THE
VILLAGE PEOPLE IS ALL COPS."
THE PRESIDENT WAS ALSO THRILLED WITH THE FALL OF DEMOCRACY,
TWEETING, "WOW!
MICHIGAN JUST REFUSED TO CERTIFY THE ELECTION RESULTS!
HAVING COURAGE IS A BEAUTIFUL THING.
THE U.S.A. STANDS PROUD!" JUST ONE PROBLEM WITH THE
PRESIDENT'S PREMATURE CELEBRATION: THE PRESIDENT
TWEETED THOSE WORDS AT THE EXACT MOMENT THE TWO REPUBLICANS ON
THE BOARD DECIDED THEY DIDN'T WANT PEOPLE POOPING ON THEIR
FRONT LAWN FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES AND AGREED TO CERTIFY THE
RESULTS.
THE PRESIDENT'S TWEET IS LIKE THAT MOMENT HALFWAY THROUGH
"STAR WARS" WHEN DARTH VADER SAYS THIS:
>> YAVIN 4 HAD IT COMING.
BIG WIN FOR THE EMPIRE.
HAVING COURAGE IS A BEAUTIFUL THING.
THE DEATH STAR STANDS PROUD.
( EXPLOSION ) OOPS!
>> Stephen: KIND OF CUTE WHEN HE DOES IT.
SO WHY DID THE REPUBLICANS BACK DOWN?
WELL, TURNS OUT, VOTERS AREN'T THAT KEEN ON HAVING THEIR VOTES
THROWN OUT.
AND AFTER NEWS OF THE DEADLOCK GOT OUT, THE BOARD HELD A
MEETING FOR PUBLIC COMMENTS, AND REQUESTS TO JOIN THE ZOOM CALL
QUICKLY WENT BEYOND CAPACITY.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG WHEN PEOPLE VOLUNTARILY
JOIN A ZOOM CALL.
NOW, THE TWO REPUBLICANS IN QUESTION ARE WAYNE COUNTY
CANVASSING BOARD MEMBER AND HOTTEST GUY ON farmersonly.com,
WILL HARTMANN; AND FELLOW BOARD MEMBER AND WOMAN SINGING ALL THE
WORDS TO "GOLDDIGGER" AT THE KENTUCKY DERBY'S KARAOKE NIGHT,
MONICA PALMER.
TURNS OUT, THE PUBLIC WAS NOT SHY ABOUT LETTING THEM HAVE IT
PERSONALLY, ESPECIALLY THIS GUY: >> I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW
THAT THE TRUMP STINK, THE STAIN OF RACISM THAT YOU, WILLIAM
HARTMAN AND MONICA PALMER, HAVE JUST COVERED YOURSELF IN IS
GOING TO FOLLOW YOU THROUGHOUT HISTORY.
MONICA PALMER AND WILLIAM HARTMAN WILL FOREVER BE KNOWN IN
SOUTHEASTERN MICHIGAN AS TWO RACISTS.
THE LAW ISN'T ON YOUR SIDE, HISTORY WON'T BE ON YOUR SIDE.
YOUR CONSCIENCE WILL NOT BE ON YOUR SIDE.
AND, LORD KNOWS, WHEN YOU GO TO MEET YOUR MAKER, YOUR SOUL IS
GOING TO BE VERY, VERY WARM.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: "WELL, THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME I'LL BE SPENDING
ETERNITY BURNING ON A LAKE OF FIRE.
I'LL PACK SOMETHING LIGHT.
OH, YOU ALSO SAY I CAN GO PLEASURE MYSELF?
AGAIN, THANK YOU.
IT WOULD BE CONSENSUAL."
AFTER THREE HOURS OF BEING PELTED WITH ROCKS AND GARBAGE,
THE MEETING WENT ON MUTE FOR FIVE MINUTES, AND WHEN IT CAME
BACK ON, HARTMAN INFORMED THE CROWD THAT THEY HAD JUST VOTED
UNANIMOUSLY TO CERTIFY THE RESULTS.
SO THAT'S IT?
THAT'S ALL IT TOOK?
IT'S THAT EASY TO STOP YOUR DEVIOUS PLAN?
FOR PETE'S SAKE, IF ALL FASCISTS WERE THAT WEAK, WE COULD HAVE
AVOIDED WORLD WAR II WITH ONE PROPAGANDA POSTER!
"HEY, HITLER, IS THAT A MUSTACHE, OR HAVE YOU BEEN
KISSING MUSSOLINI'S ASS?" THINGS ARE ALSO GOING POORLY--
YOU'RE SHAKE YOUR HEAD ON THAT ONE.
DID I GO TOO FAR?
DO YOU THINK I HURT HITLER'S FEELINGS WITH THAT ONE?
THINGS ARE ALSO GOING POORLY FOR THE PRESIDENT IN PENNSYLVANIA.
THE STATE SUPREME COURT DID NOT BELIEVE THEIR LIE THAT THEY
WERE NOT ALLOWED POLL WATCHERS, WHICH WAS QUITE A BLOW FOR THE
PRESIDENT'S LAWYER RUDY GIULIANI, SEEN HERE PUTTING AIR
QUOTES AROUND THE WORD "LAWYER."
YESTERDAY, RUDY WAS MAKING THE SAME MAKE-UP OBSERVER ARGUMENT
IN FEDERAL COURT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF PENNSYLVANIA, WHEN HE
GOT TAKEN DOWN BY HIS OLD NEMESIS: WORDS.
BECAUSE AS HE WAS READING HIS OWN TEAM'S COMPLAINT TO THE
JUDGE, HE SAID, "I'M NOT QUITE SURE I KNOW WHAT 'OPACITY'
MEANS.
IT PROBABLY MEANS YOU CAN SEE, RIGHT?"
TO WHICH THE JUDGE SAID, "IT MEANS YOU CAN'T."
TO WHICH RUDY SAID, "BIG WORDS, YOUR HONOR."
TO WHICH THE JUDGE SAID, "YOU ARE AN IMBECILE," TO WHICH RUDY
SAID, "WRONG, YOUR HONOR!
I'M AN ITALIAN."
IN ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF CLOSING THE BARN DOOR AFTER THE COWS
VOTED FOR SOMEBODY ELSE, THE PRESIDENT IS STILL FIRING ANYONE
WHO DARES CHALLENGE HIS DEXY-INDUCED FEVER DREAMS.
CASE IN POINT: THE U.S. TOP ELECTION CYBERSECURITY OFFICIAL
AND TREASURER OF THE "DEAD POET SOCIETY," CHRISTOPHER KREBS.
LAST WEEK, KREBS' AGENCY ISSUED A STATEMENT DECLARING, "THE
NOVEMBER 3 ELECTION WAS THE MOST SECURE IN AMERICAN HISTORY," AND
HE REGULARLY "FACT CHECKS THE CLAIMS AND CONSPIRACY THEORIES
BEING PUSHED BY THE PRESIDENT, HIS ALLIES, AND SUPPORTERS
AROUND THE COUNTRY."
AND IT SURELY GOT UNDER THE PRESIDENT'S HONEY-GLAZED SKIN
THAT KREBS' TWITTER PAGE SAYS "KEEP CALM AND COUNT ON" AND HIS
PROFILE PIC IS...
UH, I'M GONNA GUESS, STORE-BRAND CAPTAIN AMERICA?
KIRKLAND STEVE ROGERS?
THE SUPERHERO ON THE CHILDREN'S FLIP-FLOPS YOU BOUGHT AT THE
DOLLAR STORE?
ANYWAY, TRUE TO FORM, LAST NIGHT, THE CON ARTIST SOON-TO-BE
FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRESIDENT TWEETED:
"THE RECENT STATEMENT BY CHRIS KREBS ON THE SECURITY OF THE
2020 ELECTION WAS HIGHLY INACCURATE, IN THAT THERE WERE
MASSIVE IMPROPRIETIES AND FRAUD, INCLUDING DEAD PEOPLE VOTING,
POLL WATCHERS NOT ALLOWED INTO POLLING LOCATIONS, 'GLITCHES' IN
THE VOTING MACHINES.
THEREFORE, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, CHRIS KREBS HAS
BEEN TERMINATED."
HOW CAN HE BE THIS BAD AT CRIME-ING?
"YEAH, COPPER, I KNOW, YOU GOT ME, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN
SILENT.
NOW GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY AND NOBODY GETS HURT!"
EVIDENTLY, THE PRESIDENT'S TWEETS CAUSED A DISTURBANCE IN
THE FORCE, BECAUSE LUKE SKYWALKER HIMSELF, MARK HAMILL,
RESPONDED, >> "TRANSLATION: THE RECENT
STATEMENT BY CHRIS KREBS WAS HIGHLY ACCURATE, IN THAT THERE
WERE NO IMPROPRIETIES OR FRAUD, CONFIRMED BY ALL CREDIBLE 2020
ELECTION OFFICIALS SWORN UNDER OATH TO BE TRUTHFUL.
THEREFORE, HE HAS BEEN TERMINATED FOR REFUSING TO LIE
FOR ME, YOUR #LIARINCHIEF."
WOW, LUKE SKYWALKER IS A JEDI MASTER AND A POLITICAL PUNDIT.
YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE THE GUY A HAND.
SERIOUSLY, HIS FATHER CUT ONE OF THEM OFF.
WHEN KREBS SAW HAMILL HAD WEIGHED IN, HE RESPONDED,
"IN DEFENDING DEMOCRACY, DO OR DO NOT, THERE IS NO TRY.
THIS IS THE WAY.
#PROTECT2020" DAMN, KREBS BRINGING THE NERD
CRED!
TALK LIKE YODA, KREBS DID!
VERBS TO THE END OF SENTENCES, KREBS MOVED!
AND HERE I THOUGHT HE WAS A HALF-WITTED SCRUFFY-LOOKING NERF
HERDER.
AND KREBS REMAINED DEFIANT AFTER HIS FIRING, TWEETING, "HONORED
TO SERVE.
WE DID IT RIGHT.
DEFEND TODAY, SECURE TOMORROW."
STRONG.
BOLD.
BUT I WILL POINT OUT THAT HE SPELLED "TOMORROW,"
"TOMROROW."
BUT WHO AM I TO JUDGE?
THAT'S NOT HOW WE SPELL IT TODAY, BUT IT COULD BE HOW WE
SPELL IT "TOMROROW."
AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, THIS MAN IS AN AMERICAN HEROROW.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, KAMALA HARRIS GOES BACK TO WASHINGTON.
NERD CRED.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK.
LET'S SAY HELLO TO MR. JON BATISTE.
HELLO, JON.
>> Jon: THUNDER, THUNDER AND LIGHTNING!
THUNDER.
>> Stephen: THE BAND SOUNDED GREAT JUST NOW ON THAT BUMPER,
BIG SOUND.
HOW DO YOU GET SUCH A BIG SOUND WITH YOU'RE ALL APART?
IT'S ALL IN THE ENGINEERING, I SUPPOSE.
>> Jon: YEAH, AND IN THE HANDS OF THE PLAYERS.
YOU HAVE TO JUST CHANNEL IT, YOU KNOW.
WE'RE TRYING OUR BEST TO MAKE IT FEEL GOOD IN THIS QUARANTINE
TIME.
>> Stephen: JON, I'M GOING TO MISS YOU THANKSGIVING.
THE PEOPLE OUT THERE MAY NOT KNOW, BUT FOR THE LAST FOUR,
FIVE YEARS WE'VE BEEN HAVING THANKSGIVING TOGETHER.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND ARE YOU GOING TO BE AT YOUR-- AT YOUR
SPECIAL-- SPECIAL QUARANTINE PLACE?
>> Jon: YEAH.
I'LL BE QUARANTINING.
I'LL MISS YOU, AND I'LL MISS HAVING MY FAMILY COME UP,
BECAUSE THEY USUALLY COME UP.
>> Stephen: YOUR MOM AND DAD USUALLY HAVE DINNER WITH US,
TOO.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO FOR YOU-- WOULD YOU LIKE SOME
OF THE CHARLESTON BISCUITS.
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME OF THE CHEESE BISCUITS?
>> Jon: OH, YES!
PLEASE.
THESE BISCUITS, COLD-BLOODED!
>> Stephen: THEY'RE PRETTY GOOD.
THEY'RE PRETTY GOOD BISCUITS.
I WILL HAVE MY MOTHER-IN-LAW SHIP YOU THE BISCUITS.
SHE WILL BE SO HAPPY TO DO SO.
DO YOU HAVE ANY MUSIC TO GET PEOPLE READY FOR SOME HAPPINESS
FOR THE HOLIDAYS?
>> Jon: YES, INDEED.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ I WANT A BISCUIT
I NEED IT RIGHT NOW ♪ I WANT A BISCUIT
OH, LET ME TELL YOU HOW ♪ >> Stephen: I SMELL A HIT.
I SMELL A HIT.
JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.
IT MIGHT BE THE BISCUITS, BUT I THINK I'M SMELLING A HIT.
>> Jon: YES, INDEED HAVE A GOOD ONE.
>> Stephen: FOLKS, BEFORE WE GET TO IT, I JUST NEED TO LET YOU
KNOW THAT THE SECOND SEASON OF "OF OUR CARTOON PRESIDENT" RIGHT
THERE, OF WHICH I AM THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER, IS AVAILABLE
NOW ON D.V.D.
SO GO OUT, GET THIS DVD, AND THEN FIND A DVD PLAYER.
MAYBE TRY SIFTING THROUGH THE RUBBLE OF AN ABANDONED
BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO.
I DON'T KNOW.
AND IF YOU STILL CAN'T FIND A DVD PLAYER, I THINK IT'S GOING
TO BE AVAILABLE ON LASER DISC, AT SOME POINT, OR MARIONETTE
SHOW AT SOME POINT.
OR EDISON WAX CYLINDER VERY SOON.
THEY'RE DOING TALKIES THIS YEAR.
EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE A DVD PLAYER, IT'S JUST REALLY NICE
AND SHINY.
I BET YOUR KIDS COULD WHIP IT AT EACH OTHER ON CHRISTMAS MORNING.
GO GET IT.
DO I GET A PIECE OF THIS?
DO I GET A LITTLE TASTE?
DOES DADDY GET A LITTLE TASTE OF THIS?
I GOT BISCUITS TO BUY.
OKAY, HERE WE GO.
SPEAKING OF SHINY NEW THINGS THAT WE'RE ALL HAPPY ABOUT,
YESTERDAY, KAMALA HARRIS WAS BACK IN THE SENATE FOR A ROUTINE
VOTE, AND IT WAS A BIG DEAL, BECAUSE IT MARKED THE FIRST TIME
SHE WAS ON CAPITOL HILL SINCE BECOMING VICE PRESIDENT-ELECT.
IT'S LIKE COMING HOME FROM YOUR FIRST YEAR AT COLLEGE AND
MEETING UP WITH YOUR OLD FRIENDS.
"OH, WHAT DID YOU DO LAST SEMESTER?
OH, YOU GOT BANGS?
THAT'S COOL.
I DEFEATED THE MOST DANGEROUS PRESIDENT IN AMERICAN HISTORY,
NO BIGS.
YOU GUYS WANT TO DO BRUNCH?" SHE WAS THERE TO VOTE AGAINST
ONE OF THE PRESIDENT'S FEDERAL RESERVE BOARD NOMINEES, AND IT
WAS A GOOD THING SHE WAS THERE.
BECAUSE HAD HARRIS MISSED THE VOTE, VICE PRESIDENT PENCE WOULD
HAVE BEEN CALLED TO BREAK THE 48-48 TIE.
SHE BLOCKED HIM!
THERE HASN'T BEEN A VICE PRESIDENTIAL SMACKDOWN THIS
INTENSE SINCE SPIRO AGNEW PILE-DRIVED HUBERT HUMPHREY AT
THE RUMBLE IN THE ROTUNDA!
IT REALLY SHOULD BE THE THUNDER IN THE ROTUNDA, DON'T YOU THINK?
THERE IT IS.
NOW, YOU'D THINK HARRIS'S APPEARANCE WOULD BE AWKWARD,
BECAUSE NEARLY ALL OF HER REPUBLICAN COLLEAGUES HAVE
JOINED THE PRESIDENT'S FANTASY ISLAND IN DENYING HER VICTORY.
BUT SHE DID GET CONGRATULATIONS FROM SEVERAL FOLKS ACROSS THE
AISLE, INCLUDING THIS FIST BUMP FROM LINDSEY GRAHAM.
THAT COULD HAVE BEEN A CORDIAL EXCHANGE, OR SHE COULD HAVE JUST
BEEN BLOCKING HIS PUNCH.
BECAUSE HE'S GOT THE FOREARMS OF A PREMIE KITTEN.
HERE'S THE THING: SENATOR GRAHAM HAS BEEN ACTIVELY TRYING TO GET
BIDEN-HARRIS VOTES THROWN AWAY, LEGITIMATE VOTES, THROW THEM
OUT.
BUT HE EXPLAINED THAT IT'S ALL IN GOOD FUN, AND THAT HE WAS
"JUST SAYING HELLO.
I HAVEN'T A SEEN HER IN A WHILE.
IF IT WORKS OUT AND THEY MAKE IT, I TOLD HER I WISH HER WELL
AND TRY TO WORK WHERE WE CAN.
WE WILL KNOW HERE IN A MONTH OR SO, OR LESS."
MUCH LESS.
LIKE, NEGATIVE TWO WEEKS.
BECAUSE IT'S OVER, LINDSEY.
SHE WON.
YOU SOUND LIKE THE BEST MAN AT A WEDDING SAYING:
"CONGRATULATIONS TO THE COUPLE!
I REALLY THINK THESE TWO COULD ONE DAY FALL IN LOVE AND GET
MARRIED.
TILL THEN, ME AND RUDY GIULIANI ARE GOING TO BE SHAMELESSLY
HITTIN' ON THE CHICK IN THE WHITE DRESS."
REPUBLICAN SENATORS SWORE THAT CONGRATULATING THE VICE
PRESIDENT-ELECT DOES NOT MEAN THEY'RE HYPOCRITES.
SENATOR JAMES LANKFORD TOLD REPORTERS, "THE ELECTION IS NOT
SETTLED.
IF SOMEONE WALKS RIGHT UP TO YOU, YOU SAY, 'HELLO,
CONGRATULATIONS.'" COOL, MAN.
NICE SAVE.
"WOAH, WOAH!
DON'T GET IT TWISTED.
I DO NOT RESPECT THE WILL OF THE VOTERS.
I JUST HAVE MANNERS.
TO EVERYONE I MEET, I SAY, 'HELLO, CONGRATULATIONS."
ON HAVING BEEN SAID HELLO TO BY ME.'"
WHEN WE'RE BACK, I'LL BE JOINED BY THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE,
EMERITUS, MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY.
THE THUNDER IN THE ROTUNDA!
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACADEMY AWARD-WINNING ACTOR YOU
KNOW FROM "DAZED AND CONFUSED," "MAGIC MIKE," AND "DALLAS BUYERS
CLUB."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO A LATE SHOW, MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY!
>> HOW WE DOING, MR. COLBERT!
>> Stephen: WE'RE DOING ALL RIGHT.
IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE YOU, MATTHEW.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A GREAT GUEST.
YOU KNOW I LIKE YOU.
>> I LIKE YOU, TOO.
>> Stephen: THAT'S GOOD TO HEAR IT.
I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING, THOUGH, IT'S KIND OF BAD TO SEE YOU AT
THE SAME TIME, BECAUSE THIS IS THE SECOND TIME I'VE SPOKEN TO
YOU IN QUARANTINE, AND THAT JUST DRIVES HOME, THAT DRIVES HOME
HOW LONG WE'VE BEEN IN QUARANTINE AT THIS POINT.
>> OR MAYBE HOW MUCH YOU LIKE ME.
MAYBE IT'S HOW MUCH WE LIKE EACH OTHER, YOU KNOW,.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT SAYING-- I'M NOT TAKING ANYTHING AWAY
FROM THE OBVIOUS AFEKS WE HAVE FOR EACH OTHER, I'M JUST SAYING,
COME ON, MAN.
THIS IS A LONG TIME.
>> IT'S TIME.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT TAKES THE STING OUT OF IT,
MATTHEW?
>> WHAT'S THAT?
>> Stephen: THIS WILD TURKEY YOU SENT ME.
AND I'M NOT BRINGING IT UP JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE MY GUEST.
I WANT TO TELL THE OTHER GUESTS BE MORE LIKE MATTHEW
McCONAUGHEY.
NOT ONLY DID YOU SEND ME THIS, YOU SENT ME A WHOLE DAMN GIFT
BASKET TO GO WITH IT.
THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT, TOM HANKS, OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) STEP UP!
ALL RIGHT?
>> REMEMBER, HE LIKES HIS WILD TURKEY.
IT WILL NOT GOOD BAD.
HE WILL USE IT.
>> Stephen: I WILL, ALL RIGHT.
LISTEN, WHAT IS-- YOU HAVE SOMETHING I DO WANT TO TALK
ABOUT.
WILD TURKEYS WITH-- WITH-- >> WITH THANKS.
>> Stephen: "WITH THANKS" INITIATIVE.
TEAL MAY WHAT THAT IS WHILE I POUR MYSELF A GLASS OF THIS.
>> ABOUT FOUR YEARS AGO I HAVE BEEN CREATIVE DIRECTOR OF WILD
TURKEY AND ABOUT FOUR YEARS AGO WE SAID LET'S QUIT MAKING BIG
ADVERTISEMENTS, LET'S DO SOMETHING GOOD, SHINE SOME LIGHT
ON PEOPLE WHO ARE DOING GOOD OR HELP PEOPLE OUT.
WE HAD A TURKEY GIVE-AWAY IN LAUENCEBURG, AND WE WENT TO THE
FIRST RESPONDERS AFTER THE HURRICANE IN HOUSTON.
WE WENT TO THE FIRST RESPONDERS AND FIREMEN AND WOMEN IN L.A.
AFTER THE FIRES.
AND THIS YEAR, WITH COVID, WE SAID LET'S FIND FOUR AMERICANS
THAT ARE DOING SOMETHING REALLY GOOD FOR THEIR OWN COMMUNITIES,
ALL RIGHT.
SO WE FOUND SOMEBODY IN AUSTIN, NEW ORLEANS, CHICAGO, AND
DALLAS, THAT ARE GIVING COVID TESTS TO THEIR COMMUNITY THAT
CAN'T GIVE THEM-- GET THEM.
ANOTHER LADY IS GIVING NECESSITIES LIKE DIAPERS AND
BACKPACKS AND PANTS TO KIDS THAT CAN'T GET THEM AT THIS TIME.
ANOTHER GUY IN NEW ORLEANS CREATED 250,000 JOBS FOR
MUSICIANS AND HOSPITALITY WORKERS OUT OF WORK SINCE COVID.
WE'RE SHINING A LIGHT ON THEM, TELL THEIR STORY.
HOPEFULLY THAT MAKES OTHER PEOPLE IN AMERICA GO, "HEY, I
KNOW SOMEBODY IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD DOING WELL.
I'M GOING TO SHINE A LIGHT ON THEM.
OR HEY, MAYBE I'LL BECOME ONE MYSELF."
THAT'S THE "THANKS INITIATIVE."
THIS IS A LONG-RUNNING PRODUCT AS WELL-- I MEAN, A WILD TURKEY
PRODUCT AS WELL.
I'M GOING TO JOIN YOU HERE, SIR.
>> Stephen: NOW, YOU CELEBRATED A BIRTHDAY.
DO YOU HAVE ANY BIRTHDAY TRADITIONS, ANYTHING-- ANYTHING
THAT'S SPECIAL YOU LIKE TO DO EVERY YEAR?
>> AH, NO, IT'S USUALLY WITH THE FAMILY.
YOU KNOW, LIKE I SAID, FOUR YEARS AGO, WE DECIDED THE
BIRTHDAY WOULD BE I HEAD OUT AND GO ON THAT TURKEY DROP IN
LAWRENCEBERG.
THIS YEAR -- >> Stephen: I'M SORRY, WHAT'S
A TURKEY DROP?
WHAT'S A TURKEY DROP?
>> DELIVER 1,000 TURKEYS TO PEOPLE'S DOORS, MOST OF THOSE
PEOPLE WHO MAY NOT BE ABE TO GET A TURKEY ON THANKSGIVING.
>> Stephen: I WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU AREN'T ACTUALLY
LITERALLY DROPPING TURKEYS OUT OF SOMETHING.
>> DROPPING TURKEYS OFF.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE DOMESTIC TURKEYS ARE FLIGHTLESS AND THEY
WOULD JUST HIT THE GROUND LIKE A-- LIKE A FLIGHTLESS TURKEY.
>> LIKE A FLIGHTLESS TURKEY.
LIKE A PENGUIN.
>> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT YOU?
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR YOURSELF?
BIRTHDAY MORNING IS IT ALL ABOUT MATTHEW, ALL DAY LONG?
>> WELL, TO SOME EXTENT.
LIKE THE LAST BIRTHDAY-- I JUST TURNED 51.
I HAD AN HOUR WITH MYSELF, HAD A LITTLE INVENTORY --
>> Stephen: DON'T GLOSS OVER THAT.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN "AN HOUR WITH YOURSELF."
>> A LITTLE REFLECTION TIME.
HOW WAS 50?
>> Stephen: IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR?
>> OH, 100%, RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR, YOU KNOW.
NO, I WAS ACTUALLY OUTSIDE, CAUGHT A SUNRISE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.
>> I DON'T CATCH MANY OF THOSE.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU A MORNING MAN?
>> NO, I'M A SUNSET DUDE.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A SUNSET DUDE.
OKAY.
>> ARE YOU A MORNING MAN?
>> Stephen: UH, NO.
NO.
I'M A-- >> ME EITHER.
>> I'M A MOON-RISE MAN.
>> MOON RISE?
IF YOU CAN PARLAY THAT SITUATION GET A SUNSET AND MOON-RISE
HAPPENING AT THE SAME TIME.
>> Stephen: OH, SURE, THE SETTING SUN AND RISING MOON
MOVING IN PERFECT OPPOSITION AND CONCORDANCE.
>> THAT'S-- THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL DANCE.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> SO, YEAH, I HAD AN HOUR WITH MYSELF WITH THE SUNRISE ON MY
BIRTHDAY.
I WENT BACK IN, SNUGGLED UP WITH MY WIFE FOR A FEW HOURS, AND WE
DID NOT COME OUT AND GREET THE DAY, THE REST OF THE FAMILY,
UNTIL IT WAS LURCH TIME.
GRABBED THE KIDDOS, WENT OUTSIDE, TURNED UP THE MUSH, HAD
AN OUTDOOR LUNCH AND TURNED INTO AN OUTDOOR DINNER AND WE WATCHED
"SURVIVOR," A SHOW WE WERE CATCHING UP ON.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A CBS PRODUCT, ISN'T IT?
THERE YOU GO!
YOU PUSH THE I'LL PUSH THE WILD TURKEY, YOU PUSH THE CBS PRIME
TIME.
IT'S A DEAL!
I HOPE YOU CHECK IT OUT SOME DAY.
I HAVE HEARD REALLY GOOD THINGS.
YOU SEEM LIKE A MAN SWHO A FONT OF WISDOM.
>> AND NEED YOU, IF YOU DON'T MIND, TO GIVE SOME OF OUR
VIEWERS SOME MATTHEW McCONA-HELP.
FOR PEOPLE CELEBRATING FAMILY APART FROM FAMILY THIS YEAR.
DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE FOR THEM?
IT'S THE SOUND THING TO DO.
>> YEAH, LET'S SEE WHAT THE SOUND THING TO DO THIS
THANKSGIVING TURKEY DAY.
I WILL SAY THIS-- IT IS A GOOD TIME TO THINK ABOUT OH, LET'S
SURVIVE, LET'S NOT THRIVE.
I KNOW YOU WANT TO GET TOGETHER WITH YOUR-- WITH ALL YOUR
FAMILY, COME FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, BUT THIS YEAR MIGHT BE
A GOOD YEAR TO HOLD OFF ON THAT.
AND IF DO YOU THAT, THAT WILL BE-- THAT WILL BE BETTER THAN
THE TURKEY WAS EVER GOING TO TASTE.
>> Stephen: AND HOW SWEET WILL NEXT THANKSGIVING BE?
>> IT WILL BE SO SWEET.
>> Stephen: THERE WILL BE A GREAT-- GREAT RUBBING OF PARTS.
>> TWO YEARS' WORTH.
DOUBLE UP NEXT YEAR.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN DOUBLE UP ON THE PIE.
LET'S TALK GRATITUDE.
WHAT ARE YOU GIVING THANKS FOR THIS YEAR, BIG OR SMALL?
LIKE, WHAT'S A SMALL THING YOU'RE GIVING THANKS FOR.
>> SMALL THING.
>> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU GRATEFUL FOR.
>> THERE'S ONE RIGHT THERE.
AND I DO LOVE A REALLY NEW SHARP PAIR OF THESE.
( WHISTLES ).
>> Stephen: YOU LITERALLY LOOKED DOWN AND YOU HAD NAIL
CLIPPERS IN FRONT OF YOU?
>> GIVE ME A CUP OF WILD TURKEY LONG BRANCH WITH ONE ROCK IN IT,
A GOOD HEADLAMP WITH A PRESH BATTERY AND A FRESH PAIR OF
CLIPPERS AND I'LL GO HAVE A 30-MINUTE SESSION WITH MY
FINGERS AND TOES.
IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE TIMES OF MY DAY.
I LOVE A GOOD SHARP CLIPPER, NAIL CLIPPER.
>> Stephen: I DID NOT-- I DID NOT EXPECT THAT TO BE THE
PLEASURE ZONE FOR MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY.
>> IT'S ONE OF THEM.
I HAVE THESE IN EVERY ROOM IN THE HOUSE.
THERE ARE 40 PAIR -- >> Stephen: REALLY?
DO YOU JUST CLIP AT RANDOM AND THEY JUST FLY AROUND THE ROOM AT
ALL TIMES?
ARE THERE DRIPS OF TO NAIL CLIPPINGS IN THE CORNER.
>> I HAVE MY ZONES, AND PROBABLY MY ZONES MAY TRESPASS ON THE
OTHER PEOPLE IN THE FAMILY'S ZONE A LITTLE BIT, AND THEY GO,
"THAT'S KIND OF RUDE."
"OKAY, OKAY, HEADING OUTSIDE.
HEADING OUTSIDE."
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE ADDED SOMETHING TO YOUR RESUME THIS
YEAR.
THE TIMES NUMBER-ONE BESTSELLER AUTHOR, YOUR MEMOIR,
"GREENLIGHTS," WENT TO NUMBER ONE.
WHAT, MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY, DOES THAT MEAN?
WHAT'S "GREENLIGHTS"?
>> CHECK THIS OUT.
GREEN LIGHTS.
WE LOVE GREEN LIGHTS.
THEY SAY YES, CARRY ON, ONWARD, THATTA BOY, THAT A GIRL.
WE DON'T LIKE THE RED LIGHTS.
THEY MAKE THINGS HARD.
THE CRISES OR WHATEVER.
THE RED AND YELLOW EVENTUALLY TURN GREEN, OR REVEAL ASSETS IN
THE FUTURE, VIA LESSONS WE LEARN VIA THE YELLOW AND RED, AND THAT
MAKES THEM TURN GREEN.
AND THAT'S WHY I THINK LIFE IS ALL GREEN LIGHTS.
EVEN THE R REDS AND YELLOWS, THE CRISES WHEN WE'RE IN THEM.
>> Stephen: I'M GLAD TO HEAR YOU'RE NOT TRASH TALKING REDS
AND YELLOWS.
IF ALL LIGHTS WERE GREEN ALL THE TIME, PEOPLE WOULD BE SLAMMING
INTO EACH OTHER.
>> YOU WOULD GO FULL SPEED AND YOU WOULD BE DIZZY.
YOU HAVE TO INCLUDE THE REDS AND YELLOWS.
>> Stephen: YOU INCLUDE A LOT OF WISDOMS AND BUMPER STICKER
SLOGANS IN HERE.
WHY DO YOU LOVE BUTCHER STICKER SLOGANS SO MUCH?
>> YOU KNOW, IT'S ONE OF THE-- BUMPER STICKERS ARE SORT OF ONE
OF THE BASTIONS OF REAL ACCEPTABLE FREE SPEECH.
YOU GOTTA SAY-- BECAUSE THEY'RE A BUMPER STICKER, NOBODY TAKES
THEM THAT SERIOUSLY.
WHEN YOU SEE A BUMPER STICKER, YOU KNOW WHO SOMEBODY VOTED FOR.
YOU KNOW IF THEY HAVE A FAMILY.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEIR DENOMINATION IS.
YOU KNOW IF THEY'RE A GUN CARRIER OR NOT.
YOU CAN FIND OUT SO MUCH BY A BUMPER STICKER.
AND WHAT I ALWAYS FIND FUN IS PULL UP ON A CAR, SEE A BUMPER
STICKER AND IMMEDIATELY GET AN IMAGE OF WHO IS BEHIND THE WHEEL
AND PULL UP NEXT TO THAT CAR AND SEE IF THE PERSON DRIVING FITS
THE IMAGE YOU HAD VIA THE BUMPER STICKER.
OR VICE VERSA, YOU SEE SOMEBODY BEHIND YOU, THEY PULL BY AND SEE
A BUMPER STICKER AND MAY BE EXACTLY WHAT YOU THOUGHT AND
MAYBE SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
>> Stephen: MAYBE HOW ABOUT THIS: I THINK YOU CAN LEARN
THINGS FROM PEOPLE'S BUMPER STICKERS.
INSTEAD OF AN APP LIKE TINDER, YOU TAKE A PHOTO OF A BUMPER
STICKER AND PEOPLE JUDGE WHETHER THEY WANT TO MEET YOU BASED ON
THAT.
>> HEY, TALKING SUNSETS AND SUNRISES NOW, AREN'T WE?
THAT WOULD WORK.
>> Stephen: IS IT TRUE-- I HEARD YOU SAY THAT YOU MIGHT
CONSIDER RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR IN TEXAS?
MR. McCONAUGHEY, WILL YOU RUN FOR GOVERNOR OF TEXAS?
IT'S A SIMPLE ANSWER: YES OR HELL YES.
WHICH ONE IS IT?
>> I HAVE NO PLANS TO DO THAT RIGHT NOW.
AS I SAID, THAT WOULD BE UP TO --
>> Stephen: THAT'S SUCH A POLITICAL ANSWER!
THAT'S THE POLITICAL ANSWER: I HAVE NO PLANS AT THIS POINT.
OBVIOUSLY I HAVE TO DISCUSS IT WITH MY FAMILY AND MY SPIRITUAL
ADVISER.
>> WELL, THAT WOULD BE TRUE AS WELL.
CHECK THIS OUT.
LOOK, RIGHT NOW, NO.
I DON'T GET POLITICS.
POLITICS SEEMS TO BE A BROKEN BUSINESS.
POLITICS NEEDS TO REDEFINE ITS PURPOSE.
SO AS I MOVE FORWARD IN LIFE, AND, YES, AM I GOING TO CONSIDER
LEADERSHIP ROLES WHERE I CAN BE MOST USEFUL?
I WOULD LOVE THAT.
I'M DOING THAT REGARDLESS.
SO THAT'S WHERE I SIT RIGHT NOW.
THAT CAME OUT-- I ACTUALLY JUST READ THAT HEADLINE ACTUALLY
ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.
>> Stephen: ME, TOO.
>> DIDN'T KNOW IT CAME OUT THAT WAY.
>> Stephen: RIGHT BEFORE I CAME DOWN HERE, I SAW THAT
HEADLINE.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHERE THAT CAME FROM?
>> YEAH, I DID-- I DID-- I'VE BEEN ASKED THAT QUESTION IF I
WAS INTERESTED IN RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR QUITE A BIT LATELY.
>> Stephen: OH, OKAY.
>> AND I'VE ALWAYS KIND OF GIVEN THE SAME ANSWER BUT EVIDENTLY
ONE OF THEM CAME OUT I WOULD CONSIDER IT SINCE I DIDN'T SAY
ABSOLUTE NO.
>> Stephen: SO "I WOULD CONSIDER IT," MATTHEW
McCONAUGHEY, THAT STANDS?
>> WHATEVER LEADERSHIP ROLE I CAN BE MOST USEFUL IN, AND I
DON'T KNOW THAT THAT'S POLITICS.
RIGHT NOW, I DON'T SEE IT AS POLITICS.
I'LL DRINK TO THAT.
>> Stephen: OKAY, YOU MADE SOME BOLD CLAIMS IN THE BOOKS
AND WE ONLY HAVE SECOND HERE'S, MATTHEW.
>> COME ON, COME ON.
>> Stephen: THIS IS A LIGHTNING ROLE.
YOU SAID YOU'D RATHER BE A SAILOR THAN AN ASTRONAUT.
DEFEND YOURSELF.
>> OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: I'D RATHER JOIN THE ARMY INSTEAD OF AIR FORCE,
ALWAYS HAVE.
>> Stephen: WHY, YOU DON'T LIKE UP?
>> I GOT NO PROBLEM WITH UP.
I'M STILL GETTING OFF TO WHAT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, THOUGH,
CHASING THAT SUNSET OVER THE HORIZON.
EVERY TIME YOU TAKE A PATH, EVEN THOUGH IT'S THE SAME ONE I HAVE
TAKEN BEFORE, IT'S DIFFERENT EVERY SINGLE TIME.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU DONE BIG SAILS, OPEN-OCEAN SAILING,
ANYTHING LIKE THAT?
>> NOT REALLY.
>> Stephen: IF YOU LIKE SUNSETSES-- YOU SAY YOU'RE A
SUNSET MAN, THERE'S NOTHING LOOK A SUNSET OUT IN THE MIDDLE OUT
THERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SEE, MATTHEW-- >> WHAT DO YOU SEE.
>> Stephen: GREEN FLASH.
YOU HAVE EVER SEEN THE GREEN FLASH?
>> YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I HAVE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IT'S NOT GOING TO
GET BETTER THAN THAT, GUYS.
"GREENLIGHTS," THE MAN HELD UP THE BOOK, BUT I WILL, TOO.
IT'S AVAILABLE NOW.
MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER.
THANK YOU, MATTHEW.
WELCOME BACK!
MY NEXT GUEST IS ONE OF THE ORIGINAL KINGS OF COMEDY AND THE
STAR OF THE CBS SITCOM, "THE NEIGHBORHOOD."
>> TRUST ME.
YOU'RE GOING TO NEED TO ADD A LITTLE FLASH AND A LITTLE SWAG.
IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT SCHOOL FUNDING, HOW ABOUT THIS: WE'VE
GOT TO FUND SCHOOLS OR GRADUATE FOOLS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> OKAY, THAT WAS ACTUALLY
REALLY GOOD.
>> YEAH.
DID YOU JUST COME UP WITH THAT?
>> I'M A DRAGON, GUYS.
I JUST SPITFIRE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> OKAY, WELL, COME ON, MAN.
BURN MY VILLAGE DOWN.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> OKAY, ALL RIGHT, CHECK THIS OUT.
WE CAN'T BE SAFE IN THE PARK IF IT'S TOO DAMN DARK.
( LAUGHTER ) OR RECYCLE YOUR TRASH AND WE'LL
GIVE YOU SOME CASH.
( LAUGHTER ) >> BUT THAT ONE'S NOT TRUE.
>> IT DOESN'T MATTER.
IT RHYMES.
>> Stephen: "PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW," CEDRIC THE
ENTERTAINER!
>> WHAT'S UP?
>> Stephen: CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER, THAT'S ESTABLISHED.
YOUR NAME HAS BEEN NOTERRIZED.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ENTERTAIN YOURSELF RIGHT NOW?
PEOPLE NEED ANY FORM OF ENTERTAINMENT THEY CAN TO GET
THROUGH COVID.
WHAT'S YOUR FORM OF ENTERTAINMENT, CEDRIC?
>> MY MAIN THING, LIKE MOST PEOPLE, IS DOING A LOT OF
GROCERY SHOPPING.
>> Stephen: NOT THE COOKING.
IT'S THE ACTUAL GROCERY SHOPPING?
>> YEAH, GO TO THE GROCERY STORE, AND JUST FIND MYSELF--
I'VE BEEN LEARNING AVOCADO-- A LOT OF PEOPLE TAKE IT FOR
GRANTED.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW, WHAT IS THE SECRET?
>> THE SECRET IS YOU HAVE TO-- YOU HAVE TO FIND THE CORRECT
DEGREE OF SOFTNESS AND FIRMNESS SO IT IS A-- IT'S LIKE LEARNING
TO PLAY THE SAXOPHONE.
IT'S THIS-- ( HUMMING )
IF YOU DO KENNY G., IF YOU JUST HUM IT TO YOURSELF...
( HUMMING ) YOU CAN FIND THE RIGHT AVOCADO.
>> Stephen: IT'S KENNY G..
WHAT IF I THINK COAL TRAIN WHILE SQUEEZING AN AVOCADO.
WHAT HAPPENS?
>> OH, NOW YOU'RE TALKING GUACAMOLE, MY FRIEND!
STEPHEN!
COAL TRAIN!
COME ON.
YOU'RE GOING TO DO TOO MUCH.
>> Stephen: SEASON THREE OF "THE NEIGHBORHOOD" PREMIERED
THIS WEEK.
IT'S SO NICE TO HAVE YOU GUYS BACK.
>> YUP.
>> Stephen: NOW, WHAT WAS IT LIKE TO DO THE SHOW-- AGAIN, YOU
SHOT THE NEW SEASON DURING COVID.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WE'RE IN COVID NOW.
YOU'RE SHOOTING IT.
WHAT IS THAT LIKE?
WHAT ARE THE PRECAUTIONS YOU GUYS TOOK?
>> WELL, IT WAS TOUGH.
ONE, LIKE ANYBODY WHO HAD TO COME BARK IT WAS ALL OF THE--
YOU KNOW, THEY HAD PROTOCOL.
AND IT WAS A LOT OF, YOU KNOW, MASKS, SHIELD, FULL BEEKEEPER'S
UNIFORM ON, YOU KNOW.
ONE DAY I JUST WORE A BURQUA.
JUST COVERED MYSELF AND NO ONE EVEN KNEW IT WAS ME, OKAY.
AND THEN-- BUT WE HAVE A LADY HERE THAT IS-- I LIKE TO HER HER
THE PRO-PO.
SHE'S THE PROTOCOL POLICE.
SHE'S THE PRO-PO.
ANYTHING, IF YOU'RE DRINKING A COFFEE AND YOU PUT IT DOWN ON
SOMETHING, THEN SHE'S COMING THROUGH A SANITIZERS AND YOU'VE
GOT TO WIPE IT BEFORE YOU COULD GET BACK UP.
IT'S A LOT UPON.
I'M LIKE THE COFFEE IS ALREADY HOT.
I BELIEVE THAT THE CORONAVIRUS DOESN'T WORK WELL IN HEAT
ACCORDING TO THE PRESIDENT, THAT WHEN IT WAS GOING TO WARM UP, IT
DIDN'T WORK.
SO I'VE GOT LOGIC OF WHY I THINK THIS IS FINE.
SO I'M NOT UNDERSTANDING WHY I HAVE TO WIPE ALL THIS STUFF
DOWN.
BUT WHATEVER.
>> Stephen: THAT CLIP THAT WE JUST SAW HAD LAUGHTER IN IT, BUT
THERE'S NO LIVE AUDIENCE, RIGHT?
BECAUSE OF COVID, YOU GUYS CAN'T HAVE ONE.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: SO THAT'S A LAUGH TRACK.
WHAT-- WHAT IS-- AND IT'SANDABLE THAT YOU HAVE ONE BECAUSE IT'S--
THAT'S, YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE NO CHOICE AT THIS POINT.
DO YOU EVER HAVE ANY DISAGREEMENTS ON HOW THE PEOPLE
ACTUALLY LAY THE LAUGHS IN?
BECAUSE YOU'RE A PROFESSIONAL.
YOU HAVE PERFORMED LIVE YOUR ENTIRE CAREER.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SOUND LIKE.
DO DO YOU EVER GO LIKE, "NO, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN BIGGER."
OR "THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE TRAIL-OFF, A LITTLE TAIL
ON THAT, AND I WOULD HAVE RIDDEN IT OFF TO THE NEXT LAUGH."
>> EXACTLY.
YOU LISTEN TO THE LAUGH SOMETIMES AND YOU SEE THE EDIT,
AND YOU'RE LIKE MAN, THAT'S NOT-- LISTEN TO THE JOKE, AND
YOU KNOW THAT THAT LAUGH WOULD HAVE BEEN ONE THAT KIND OF,
LIKE, CAUGHT ON.
AND YOU NEED THAT.
THAT'S THE ONE THAT'S-- ( LAUGHING ).
>> Stephen: CAN I JUST GET A RECORDING OF HIM LAUGHING AND
PLAY THAT DURING THIS SHOW BECAUSE I WOULD FEEL MUCH
BETTER.
>> NOT ALL LAUGHS ARE AT THE SAME LEVEL.
WE KNOW THIS AS BEING STAND-UP.
THEY LISTEN TO ME SOMETIMES, STEPHEN, I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO GET
INTO THE LAB EDITZ AND WORK WITH THEM, AND WE'RE GETTING BETTER.
THAT WAS OUR FIRST ONE.
THAT WAS THE FIRST ONE.
>> Stephen: CEDRIC, WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE CEDRIC
THE ENTERTAINER.
>> ISOLATION IS ONE OF THE UNSPOKEN TRAGEDIES OF THE
ELDERLY WHO ARE NOW BEING TOLD DON'T SEE YOUR FAMILY AT
THANKSGIVING.
FOR MANY PEOPLE, THIS IS THEIR FINAL THANKSGIVING, BELIEVE IT
OR NOT.
WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?
>> WHAT TRUMP ADVISER DR. SCOTT ATLAS JUST SAID IS ONE OF THE
MANY GIFTS FROM THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION, THAT WE, THE
COVID FAMILY, GIVE THANKS FOR ON THIS THANKSGIVING.
THIS COB OUR LAST THANKSGIVING, BUT IT'S PEOPLE LIKE THEM WHO
MAKE SURE IT'S TRULY UNFORGETTABLE.
HAPPY SUPER-SPREADER THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE!
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WE'RE BACK WITH THE STAR OF "THE NEIGHBORHOOD," CEDRIC THE
ENTERTAINER.
YOU-- WE'RE COMING UP ON THE 20th ANNIVERSARY OF THE
ORIGINAL KINGS OF COMEDY.
COMEDY.
>> THANKS!
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO.
IS THERE ANY KIND OF REUNION IN THE FUTURE HERE.
SADLY, BERNIE MAC IS GONE.
BUT IS THERE ANY PLAN FOR YOU GUYS TO GO BACK ON THE ROAD?
>> I MEAN, IT'S BEEN-- THERE'S A LITTLE BIT OF TALK.
STEVE HARVEY WAS THE ONE.
HE KIND OF RETIRED FROM STAND-UP.
HE HAS 17 OTHER JOBS, SO BUT, YOU KNOW, HE --
>> Stephen: HE'S BUSY KEEPING THOSE FAMILIES FROM FEUDING WITH
EACHING OTHER.
>> YEAH.
BUT HE'S CONSIDERING IT, AND I THINK IT WILL BE FUN FOR US TO
TRY TO GET BACK OUT.
BUT, YOU KNOW, WHO KNOWS WHEN WE'LL BE ABLE TO GO BACK OUT AND
PERFORM, ESPECIALLY IN A CROWD THE SIZE OF THAT.
YOU KNOW, WE WERE DOING ARENAS WITH THE KINGS OF COMEDY.
BUT I LOOK FORWARD TO IT, IF WE DO.
I DEFINITELY WOULD LOVE TO DO IT.
>> Stephen: I WOULD LOVE TO SEE IT.
CAN THE NEIGHBOR AIRS MONDAYS AT--
>> COME JOIN US, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: THAT WOULD BE A SURPRISING BOOKING ON THAT TOUR,
AND I WOULD BE HONORED, CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER.
STEPHEN THE HANGER ON.
CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
THANKS, CEDRIC.
LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE LL COOL J, DAVE GROHL,
AND MUSICAL GUEST, FOO FIGHTERS.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.
Captioning sponsored by CBS Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org