1 00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:04,170 >> ACCORDING TO REPORTS, PRESIDENT TRUMP REMAINS BUNKERED 2 00:00:04,254 --> 00:00:10,301 IN THE WHITE HOUSE AND STILL STAFFERS UNSURE HOW TO PROCEED. 3 00:00:10,385 --> 00:00:13,263 "WITHOUT THE GO-AHEAD TO START PLANNING FOR A MOVE OUT OF THE 4 00:00:13,346 --> 00:00:18,601 WHITE HOUSE IN 64 DAYS, THERE IS NO PACKING TO BEGIN AND NO 5 00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:21,312 MOVING TRUCKS TO BOOK, LEAVING STAFFERS IN THE LIMBO OF 'DO WE 6 00:00:21,396 --> 00:00:24,232 STAY OR DO WE GO?'" >> DO YOU KNOW SOMEBODY THAT 7 00:00:24,315 --> 00:00:27,235 LOST THEIR LEASE BECAUSE OF A FREE AND FAIR ELECTION, BUT 8 00:00:27,318 --> 00:00:30,780 THEY'RE REFUSING TO MOVE? 9 00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:34,576 THEN CALL F-U-HAUL, THE LEADER IN REMOVING ONE-TERM PRESIDENTS 10 00:00:34,659 --> 00:00:35,660 WHO JUST WON'T LEAVE. 11 00:00:35,744 --> 00:00:40,582 WE'LL CAREFULLY WRAP THE OBSOLETE PACKAGE AND WHEEL IT 12 00:00:40,665 --> 00:00:44,294 AWAY, WHETHER ACROSS TOWN OR VIA CARGO SHIP WITH NO SPECIFIC 13 00:00:44,377 --> 00:00:47,922 DESTINATION. 14 00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:49,215 IT'S THAT EASY! 15 00:00:49,299 --> 00:00:51,634 AND F-U-HAUL DOES A THOROUGH JOB REMOVING ALL THE RELATED 16 00:00:51,718 --> 00:00:53,261 GARBAGE. 17 00:00:53,344 --> 00:00:55,180 SO CALL F-U-HAUL TODAY. 18 00:00:55,263 --> 00:00:58,141 REMEMBER OUR MOTTO: >> GET 'EM OUT OF HERE! 19 00:00:59,851 --> 00:01:02,187 >> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 20 00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:10,445 TONIGHT: PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES 21 00:01:10,528 --> 00:01:13,615 MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY AND CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER 22 00:01:13,698 --> 00:01:18,703 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HOMIN'. 23 00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:21,956 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE 24 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:26,503 BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 25 00:01:26,586 --> 00:01:29,964 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 26 00:01:30,048 --> 00:01:30,840 WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW." 27 00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:33,009 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 28 00:01:33,092 --> 00:01:38,515 I'LL GET RIGHT TO IT, BAD NEWS FIRST. 29 00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:41,851 THE PRESIDENT IS ACTIVELY WORKING TO UNDERMINE OUR 30 00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:45,355 DEMOCRACY, USURP THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE, AND HOLD ONTO POWER, IN 31 00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:46,314 VIOLATION OF OUR CONSTITUTION. 32 00:01:46,397 --> 00:01:50,068 GOOD NEWS: HE IS REALLY BAD AT IT. 33 00:01:50,151 --> 00:01:53,238 THE PRESIDENT IS DESPERATE TO SOMEHOW THROW OUT THE VOTES FOR 34 00:01:53,321 --> 00:01:56,991 BIDEN, BUT LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE IN HIS ADMINISTRATION, IT'S BEEN 35 00:01:57,075 --> 00:01:58,326 A RACE BETWEEN AUTOCRACY AND INCOMPETENCE. 36 00:01:58,409 --> 00:02:05,166 AND WITH THIS CROWD, INCOMPETENCE IS USAIN BOLT, WHO 37 00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:07,502 MAKES IT ACROSS THE FINISH LINE, STEPS IN A BUCKET, AND GETS HIS 38 00:02:07,585 --> 00:02:08,711 HEAD STUCK IN A TOILET. 39 00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:18,054 I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT THE IN COUP-NANIGANS IN TONIGHT'S 40 00:02:18,137 --> 00:02:18,888 EDITION OF: ( TUNE OF "THREE BLIND MICE" ) 41 00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:22,892 ♪ DEAD PEOPLE VOTE DEAD PEOPLE VOTE 42 00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:24,477 ♪ I SAW THEM VOTE THEY ARE ZOMBIES 43 00:02:24,561 --> 00:02:26,062 ♪ THEY VOTE, AND THEN THEY EAT SOME BRAINS 44 00:02:26,145 --> 00:02:27,355 ♪ THEY GAVE BIDEN THE STATE OF MAINE 45 00:02:27,438 --> 00:02:29,232 ♪ IT MAKES SENSE IF YOU SNORT COCAINE 46 00:02:29,315 --> 00:02:30,275 ♪ DEAD PEOPLE VOTE ♪ >> "THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE 47 00:02:30,358 --> 00:02:31,359 HOUSE." 48 00:02:31,442 --> 00:02:38,366 >> Stephen: HE'S GOT A REALLY LOVELY VOICE. 49 00:02:38,449 --> 00:02:39,534 CONSIDERING HOW HARD HE'S WORKING TO KEEP THE JOB, THE 50 00:02:39,617 --> 00:02:41,077 PRESIDENT SURE ISN'T DOING MUCH OF IT. 51 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,912 FOR THE 11th TIME SINCE THE ELECTION, HIS SCHEDULE TODAY 52 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:45,748 LISTED "NO PUBLIC EVENTS." 53 00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:48,376 MAYBE THAT'S JUST HOW HE OBSERVES QUARANTINE: HE NEVER 54 00:02:48,459 --> 00:02:52,130 LEAVES THE HOUSE, UNLESS HE KNOWS HE'S SPREADING THE VIRUS. 55 00:02:52,213 --> 00:02:56,467 APPARENTLY, EL PRESIDENTE HAS EVEN CANCELED HIS PLANS TO 56 00:02:56,551 --> 00:02:58,094 TRAVEL TO MAR-A-LAGO FOR THANKSGIVING, DECIDING TO STAY 57 00:02:58,177 --> 00:02:58,887 IN WASHINGTON INSTEAD. 58 00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:00,388 SMART MOVE. 59 00:03:00,471 --> 00:03:06,394 THE MINUTE HE STEPS OUT OF THERE, YOU KNOW THEY'RE CHANGING 60 00:03:06,477 --> 00:03:08,104 ALL THE LOCKS. 61 00:03:08,187 --> 00:03:08,688 BUT AS MUCH AS HE WANTS TO DENY REALITY, THE POTUS WHO LOST THE 62 00:03:08,771 --> 00:03:10,481 VOTE-US CAN'T ESCAPE IT. 63 00:03:10,565 --> 00:03:12,442 FOR INSTANCE, WHEN HE LOOKS OUT HIS NORTH-FACING WINDOWS, HE CAN 64 00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:17,405 SEE THE REVIEWING STAND FOR BIDEN'S INAUGURAL PARADE BEING 65 00:03:17,488 --> 00:03:19,908 RE-ERECTED ON HIS FRONT LAWN. 66 00:03:19,991 --> 00:03:22,952 IT'S LIKE WATCHING YOUR WIFE GO OUT ON A DATE WITH SOMEONE ELSE 67 00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:26,789 ON YOUR FRONT LAWN, GETTING RE-ERECTED. 68 00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:30,335 AND THIS TIME, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GOING TO SHOW UP TO WATCH. 69 00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:33,796 BUT THE PRESIDENT IS RUNNING OUT OF TIME. 70 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:36,466 ONE BY ONE, THE STATES ARE STARTING TO CERTIFY THE RESULTS, 71 00:03:36,549 --> 00:03:41,930 AND THAT WILL BE THE END OF HIS ONE TERM. 72 00:03:42,013 --> 00:03:43,973 AND BEFORE THAT CONSUMMATION DEVOUTLY TO BE WISHED, THE 73 00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,266 REPUBLICANS ARE THROWING SOME PRETTY DISGRACEFUL HAIL MARYS. 74 00:03:45,350 --> 00:03:47,602 TAKE YESTERDAY IN MICHIGAN. 75 00:03:47,685 --> 00:03:50,939 THE CANVASSING BOARD OF THE STATE'S LARGEST COUNTY, WAYNE 76 00:03:51,022 --> 00:03:56,152 COUNTY, WHICH INCLUDES DETROIT, IS HALF REPUBLICAN, HALF 77 00:03:56,235 --> 00:03:59,822 DEMOCRAT, TO MAKE IT NON-PARTISAN. 78 00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:02,784 BUT LAST NIGHT, THE TWO REPUBLICANS REFUSED TO CERTIFY 79 00:04:02,867 --> 00:04:06,537 THE RESULTS, AND THE BOARD ENDED UP DEADLOCKED 2-2. 80 00:04:06,621 --> 00:04:08,331 OH, WHAT A TO-DO TO TRY TODAY TO DEADLOCK 2-2, A THING DISTINCTLY 81 00:04:08,414 --> 00:04:12,377 HARD TO SAY BUT HARDER STILL TO DO. 82 00:04:12,460 --> 00:04:18,508 ( CLEARS THROAT ) SOREY, I'M ALL WARMED UP. 83 00:04:18,591 --> 00:04:20,343 HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED. 84 00:04:20,426 --> 00:04:21,511 THE TWO REPUBLICANS CLAIMED TO BE CONCERNED THAT IN DETROIT, 85 00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:24,472 THERE WERE MINOR DISCREPANCIES, IN WHICH THE NUMBER OF VOTES 86 00:04:24,555 --> 00:04:29,852 CAST DID NOT MATCH THE NUMBER OF VOTERS LISTED AS HAVING SHOWN UP 87 00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:31,020 TO VOTE. 88 00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:32,230 THIS IS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS EVERYWHERE. 89 00:04:32,313 --> 00:04:33,481 SO IT'S OUTRAGEOUS THAT THE REPUBLICAN CHAIR SAID SHE WOULD 90 00:04:33,564 --> 00:04:35,024 BE OPEN TO CERTIFYING THE VOTE IN "COMMUNITIES OTHER THAN 91 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:38,403 DETROIT." 92 00:04:38,486 --> 00:04:39,278 OH, HELL, NO! 93 00:04:39,362 --> 00:04:40,405 YOU CAN'T DISENFRANCHISE MOTOWN! 94 00:04:40,488 --> 00:04:45,034 EACH ONE OF THOSE VOTES WAS "SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED." 95 00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:48,496 YOU CAN'T TURN OUR DEMOCRATIC PROCESS INTO A "BALL OF 96 00:04:48,579 --> 00:04:52,542 CONFUSION" JUST TO APPEASE THE "TEARS OF A CLOWN." 97 00:04:52,625 --> 00:04:54,502 I COULD GO ON. 98 00:04:54,585 --> 00:05:04,345 UPHE'S TELLING ME NOT TO. 99 00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:06,556 WHATEVER THE REASON-- RACISM WAS THE REASON-- THE PRESIDENT'S 100 00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:09,684 TEAM WAS THRILLED, ESPECIALLY CAMPAIGN LEGAL ADVISER AND WOMAN 101 00:05:09,767 --> 00:05:11,060 TELLING YOU YOU'LL NEVER LEAVE THIS TIME-SHARE SEMINAR ALIVE, 102 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:12,395 JENNA ELLIS. 103 00:05:12,478 --> 00:05:14,522 SHE TWEETED, "BREAKING: THIS EVENING, THE COUNTY BOARD OF 104 00:05:14,605 --> 00:05:15,523 CANVASSERS IN WAYNE COUNTY, MICHIGAN, REFUSED TO CERTIFY THE 105 00:05:15,606 --> 00:05:18,568 ELECTION RESULTS. 106 00:05:18,651 --> 00:05:22,405 IF THE STATE BOARD FOLLOWS SUIT, THE REPUBLICAN STATE LEGISLATOR 107 00:05:22,488 --> 00:05:24,115 WILL SELECT THE ELECTORS." 108 00:05:24,198 --> 00:05:25,241 DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST COUP D'ETAT, BUT YOU'RE KIND OF 109 00:05:25,324 --> 00:05:28,036 GIVING AWAY THE GAME THERE, JENNA. 110 00:05:28,119 --> 00:05:30,913 AND AS LONG AS YOU'RE WRITING FASCIST FAN FICTION, WHY NOT 111 00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:36,127 JUST GO FOR IT: "THEN THE TANKS WILL ROLL THROUGH THE STREETS, 112 00:05:36,210 --> 00:05:37,462 AND WE WILL ARREST EVERYONE WITH AN "I VOTED" STICKER AND CHANGE 113 00:05:37,545 --> 00:05:42,592 THE NATIONAL ANTHEM TO 'Y.M.C.A.,' BUT THIS TIME, THE 114 00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:44,260 VILLAGE PEOPLE IS ALL COPS." 115 00:05:44,343 --> 00:05:45,720 THE PRESIDENT WAS ALSO THRILLED WITH THE FALL OF DEMOCRACY, 116 00:05:45,803 --> 00:05:47,096 TWEETING, "WOW! 117 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,806 MICHIGAN JUST REFUSED TO CERTIFY THE ELECTION RESULTS! 118 00:05:48,890 --> 00:05:51,059 HAVING COURAGE IS A BEAUTIFUL THING. 119 00:05:51,142 --> 00:05:56,522 THE U.S.A. STANDS PROUD!" JUST ONE PROBLEM WITH THE 120 00:05:56,606 --> 00:06:00,568 PRESIDENT'S PREMATURE CELEBRATION: THE PRESIDENT 121 00:06:00,651 --> 00:06:03,446 TWEETED THOSE WORDS AT THE EXACT MOMENT THE TWO REPUBLICANS ON 122 00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:05,490 THE BOARD DECIDED THEY DIDN'T WANT PEOPLE POOPING ON THEIR 123 00:06:05,573 --> 00:06:08,326 FRONT LAWN FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES AND AGREED TO CERTIFY THE 124 00:06:08,409 --> 00:06:09,952 RESULTS. 125 00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:10,787 THE PRESIDENT'S TWEET IS LIKE THAT MOMENT HALFWAY THROUGH 126 00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:18,669 "STAR WARS" WHEN DARTH VADER SAYS THIS: 127 00:06:18,753 --> 00:06:20,505 >> YAVIN 4 HAD IT COMING. 128 00:06:20,588 --> 00:06:23,466 BIG WIN FOR THE EMPIRE. 129 00:06:23,549 --> 00:06:25,510 HAVING COURAGE IS A BEAUTIFUL THING. 130 00:06:25,593 --> 00:06:26,052 THE DEATH STAR STANDS PROUD. 131 00:06:26,135 --> 00:06:32,767 ( EXPLOSION ) OOPS! 132 00:06:32,850 --> 00:06:36,646 >> Stephen: KIND OF CUTE WHEN HE DOES IT. 133 00:06:36,729 --> 00:06:39,148 SO WHY DID THE REPUBLICANS BACK DOWN? 134 00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:40,775 WELL, TURNS OUT, VOTERS AREN'T THAT KEEN ON HAVING THEIR VOTES 135 00:06:40,858 --> 00:06:42,652 THROWN OUT. 136 00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:45,321 AND AFTER NEWS OF THE DEADLOCK GOT OUT, THE BOARD HELD A 137 00:06:45,404 --> 00:06:48,658 MEETING FOR PUBLIC COMMENTS, AND REQUESTS TO JOIN THE ZOOM CALL 138 00:06:48,741 --> 00:06:50,660 QUICKLY WENT BEYOND CAPACITY. 139 00:06:50,743 --> 00:06:51,661 YOU KNOW SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG WHEN PEOPLE VOLUNTARILY 140 00:06:51,744 --> 00:06:54,664 JOIN A ZOOM CALL. 141 00:06:54,747 --> 00:06:59,127 NOW, THE TWO REPUBLICANS IN QUESTION ARE WAYNE COUNTY 142 00:06:59,210 --> 00:07:04,632 CANVASSING BOARD MEMBER AND HOTTEST GUY ON farmersonly.com, 143 00:07:04,715 --> 00:07:07,009 WILL HARTMANN; AND FELLOW BOARD MEMBER AND WOMAN SINGING ALL THE 144 00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:12,890 WORDS TO "GOLDDIGGER" AT THE KENTUCKY DERBY'S KARAOKE NIGHT, 145 00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:14,100 MONICA PALMER. 146 00:07:14,183 --> 00:07:16,853 TURNS OUT, THE PUBLIC WAS NOT SHY ABOUT LETTING THEM HAVE IT 147 00:07:16,936 --> 00:07:18,646 PERSONALLY, ESPECIALLY THIS GUY: >> I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW 148 00:07:18,729 --> 00:07:24,402 THAT THE TRUMP STINK, THE STAIN OF RACISM THAT YOU, WILLIAM 149 00:07:24,485 --> 00:07:28,364 HARTMAN AND MONICA PALMER, HAVE JUST COVERED YOURSELF IN IS 150 00:07:28,447 --> 00:07:30,741 GOING TO FOLLOW YOU THROUGHOUT HISTORY. 151 00:07:30,825 --> 00:07:34,036 MONICA PALMER AND WILLIAM HARTMAN WILL FOREVER BE KNOWN IN 152 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,706 SOUTHEASTERN MICHIGAN AS TWO RACISTS. 153 00:07:36,789 --> 00:07:45,047 THE LAW ISN'T ON YOUR SIDE, HISTORY WON'T BE ON YOUR SIDE. 154 00:07:45,131 --> 00:07:46,924 YOUR CONSCIENCE WILL NOT BE ON YOUR SIDE. 155 00:07:47,008 --> 00:07:48,718 AND, LORD KNOWS, WHEN YOU GO TO MEET YOUR MAKER, YOUR SOUL IS 156 00:07:48,801 --> 00:07:54,724 GOING TO BE VERY, VERY WARM. 157 00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:56,392 >> THANK YOU. 158 00:07:56,475 --> 00:07:57,852 >> Stephen: "WELL, THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME I'LL BE SPENDING 159 00:07:57,935 --> 00:07:59,187 ETERNITY BURNING ON A LAKE OF FIRE. 160 00:07:59,270 --> 00:08:00,730 I'LL PACK SOMETHING LIGHT. 161 00:08:00,813 --> 00:08:04,609 OH, YOU ALSO SAY I CAN GO PLEASURE MYSELF? 162 00:08:04,692 --> 00:08:06,777 AGAIN, THANK YOU. 163 00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:08,613 IT WOULD BE CONSENSUAL." 164 00:08:08,696 --> 00:08:11,240 AFTER THREE HOURS OF BEING PELTED WITH ROCKS AND GARBAGE, 165 00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:14,619 THE MEETING WENT ON MUTE FOR FIVE MINUTES, AND WHEN IT CAME 166 00:08:14,702 --> 00:08:17,622 BACK ON, HARTMAN INFORMED THE CROWD THAT THEY HAD JUST VOTED 167 00:08:17,705 --> 00:08:20,917 UNANIMOUSLY TO CERTIFY THE RESULTS. 168 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,252 SO THAT'S IT? 169 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,837 THAT'S ALL IT TOOK? 170 00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:27,715 IT'S THAT EASY TO STOP YOUR DEVIOUS PLAN? 171 00:08:27,798 --> 00:08:30,092 FOR PETE'S SAKE, IF ALL FASCISTS WERE THAT WEAK, WE COULD HAVE 172 00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:32,929 AVOIDED WORLD WAR II WITH ONE PROPAGANDA POSTER! 173 00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:35,264 "HEY, HITLER, IS THAT A MUSTACHE, OR HAVE YOU BEEN 174 00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:41,062 KISSING MUSSOLINI'S ASS?" THINGS ARE ALSO GOING POORLY-- 175 00:08:41,145 --> 00:08:43,439 YOU'RE SHAKE YOUR HEAD ON THAT ONE. 176 00:08:43,522 --> 00:08:44,607 DID I GO TOO FAR? 177 00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:49,612 DO YOU THINK I HURT HITLER'S FEELINGS WITH THAT ONE? 178 00:08:49,695 --> 00:08:50,821 THINGS ARE ALSO GOING POORLY FOR THE PRESIDENT IN PENNSYLVANIA. 179 00:08:50,905 --> 00:08:59,288 THE STATE SUPREME COURT DID NOT BELIEVE THEIR LIE THAT THEY 180 00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:00,998 WERE NOT ALLOWED POLL WATCHERS, WHICH WAS QUITE A BLOW FOR THE 181 00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:03,626 PRESIDENT'S LAWYER RUDY GIULIANI, SEEN HERE PUTTING AIR 182 00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:05,253 QUOTES AROUND THE WORD "LAWYER." 183 00:09:05,336 --> 00:09:09,966 YESTERDAY, RUDY WAS MAKING THE SAME MAKE-UP OBSERVER ARGUMENT 184 00:09:10,049 --> 00:09:11,968 IN FEDERAL COURT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF PENNSYLVANIA, WHEN HE 185 00:09:12,051 --> 00:09:14,512 GOT TAKEN DOWN BY HIS OLD NEMESIS: WORDS. 186 00:09:14,595 --> 00:09:18,849 BECAUSE AS HE WAS READING HIS OWN TEAM'S COMPLAINT TO THE 187 00:09:18,933 --> 00:09:26,315 JUDGE, HE SAID, "I'M NOT QUITE SURE I KNOW WHAT 'OPACITY' 188 00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:27,358 MEANS. 189 00:09:27,441 --> 00:09:28,317 IT PROBABLY MEANS YOU CAN SEE, RIGHT?" 190 00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:29,986 TO WHICH THE JUDGE SAID, "IT MEANS YOU CAN'T." 191 00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:31,195 TO WHICH RUDY SAID, "BIG WORDS, YOUR HONOR." 192 00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:34,282 TO WHICH THE JUDGE SAID, "YOU ARE AN IMBECILE," TO WHICH RUDY 193 00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:35,324 SAID, "WRONG, YOUR HONOR! 194 00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:36,867 I'M AN ITALIAN." 195 00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:39,787 IN ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF CLOSING THE BARN DOOR AFTER THE COWS 196 00:09:39,870 --> 00:09:46,002 VOTED FOR SOMEBODY ELSE, THE PRESIDENT IS STILL FIRING ANYONE 197 00:09:46,085 --> 00:09:54,176 WHO DARES CHALLENGE HIS DEXY-INDUCED FEVER DREAMS. 198 00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:55,553 CASE IN POINT: THE U.S. TOP ELECTION CYBERSECURITY OFFICIAL 199 00:09:55,636 --> 00:09:57,596 AND TREASURER OF THE "DEAD POET SOCIETY," CHRISTOPHER KREBS. 200 00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:00,850 LAST WEEK, KREBS' AGENCY ISSUED A STATEMENT DECLARING, "THE 201 00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:03,686 NOVEMBER 3 ELECTION WAS THE MOST SECURE IN AMERICAN HISTORY," AND 202 00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:06,814 HE REGULARLY "FACT CHECKS THE CLAIMS AND CONSPIRACY THEORIES 203 00:10:06,897 --> 00:10:09,817 BEING PUSHED BY THE PRESIDENT, HIS ALLIES, AND SUPPORTERS 204 00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:11,152 AROUND THE COUNTRY." 205 00:10:11,235 --> 00:10:15,364 AND IT SURELY GOT UNDER THE PRESIDENT'S HONEY-GLAZED SKIN 206 00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:18,826 THAT KREBS' TWITTER PAGE SAYS "KEEP CALM AND COUNT ON" AND HIS 207 00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:23,331 PROFILE PIC IS... 208 00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:25,583 UH, I'M GONNA GUESS, STORE-BRAND CAPTAIN AMERICA? 209 00:10:25,666 --> 00:10:28,002 KIRKLAND STEVE ROGERS? 210 00:10:28,085 --> 00:10:30,046 THE SUPERHERO ON THE CHILDREN'S FLIP-FLOPS YOU BOUGHT AT THE 211 00:10:30,129 --> 00:10:31,213 DOLLAR STORE? 212 00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:33,716 ANYWAY, TRUE TO FORM, LAST NIGHT, THE CON ARTIST SOON-TO-BE 213 00:10:33,799 --> 00:10:35,384 FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRESIDENT TWEETED: 214 00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:39,347 "THE RECENT STATEMENT BY CHRIS KREBS ON THE SECURITY OF THE 215 00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:42,850 2020 ELECTION WAS HIGHLY INACCURATE, IN THAT THERE WERE 216 00:10:42,933 --> 00:10:47,355 MASSIVE IMPROPRIETIES AND FRAUD, INCLUDING DEAD PEOPLE VOTING, 217 00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:49,565 POLL WATCHERS NOT ALLOWED INTO POLLING LOCATIONS, 'GLITCHES' IN 218 00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,192 THE VOTING MACHINES. 219 00:10:51,275 --> 00:10:54,779 THEREFORE, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, CHRIS KREBS HAS 220 00:10:54,862 --> 00:11:02,912 BEEN TERMINATED." 221 00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:12,922 HOW CAN HE BE THIS BAD AT CRIME-ING? 222 00:11:13,005 --> 00:11:13,798 "YEAH, COPPER, I KNOW, YOU GOT ME, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN 223 00:11:13,881 --> 00:11:15,883 SILENT. 224 00:11:15,966 --> 00:11:17,176 NOW GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY AND NOBODY GETS HURT!" 225 00:11:17,259 --> 00:11:18,928 EVIDENTLY, THE PRESIDENT'S TWEETS CAUSED A DISTURBANCE IN 226 00:11:19,011 --> 00:11:20,930 THE FORCE, BECAUSE LUKE SKYWALKER HIMSELF, MARK HAMILL, 227 00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:23,432 RESPONDED, >> "TRANSLATION: THE RECENT 228 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:25,059 STATEMENT BY CHRIS KREBS WAS HIGHLY ACCURATE, IN THAT THERE 229 00:11:25,142 --> 00:11:26,769 WERE NO IMPROPRIETIES OR FRAUD, CONFIRMED BY ALL CREDIBLE 2020 230 00:11:26,852 --> 00:11:30,898 ELECTION OFFICIALS SWORN UNDER OATH TO BE TRUTHFUL. 231 00:11:30,981 --> 00:11:35,444 THEREFORE, HE HAS BEEN TERMINATED FOR REFUSING TO LIE 232 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:38,823 FOR ME, YOUR #LIARINCHIEF." 233 00:11:38,906 --> 00:11:40,449 WOW, LUKE SKYWALKER IS A JEDI MASTER AND A POLITICAL PUNDIT. 234 00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:42,618 YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE THE GUY A HAND. 235 00:11:42,701 --> 00:11:47,415 SERIOUSLY, HIS FATHER CUT ONE OF THEM OFF. 236 00:11:47,498 --> 00:11:51,419 WHEN KREBS SAW HAMILL HAD WEIGHED IN, HE RESPONDED, 237 00:11:51,502 --> 00:11:53,838 "IN DEFENDING DEMOCRACY, DO OR DO NOT, THERE IS NO TRY. 238 00:11:53,921 --> 00:11:55,798 THIS IS THE WAY. 239 00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:57,675 #PROTECT2020" DAMN, KREBS BRINGING THE NERD 240 00:11:57,758 --> 00:11:59,301 CRED! 241 00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:11,480 TALK LIKE YODA, KREBS DID! 242 00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:14,024 VERBS TO THE END OF SENTENCES, KREBS MOVED! 243 00:12:14,108 --> 00:12:15,484 AND HERE I THOUGHT HE WAS A HALF-WITTED SCRUFFY-LOOKING NERF 244 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:16,861 HERDER. 245 00:12:16,944 --> 00:12:17,194 AND KREBS REMAINED DEFIANT AFTER HIS FIRING, TWEETING, "HONORED 246 00:12:17,278 --> 00:12:17,778 TO SERVE. 247 00:12:17,862 --> 00:12:19,655 WE DID IT RIGHT. 248 00:12:19,738 --> 00:12:19,947 DEFEND TODAY, SECURE TOMORROW." 249 00:12:20,030 --> 00:12:21,532 STRONG. 250 00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:23,159 BOLD. 251 00:12:23,242 --> 00:12:27,455 BUT I WILL POINT OUT THAT HE SPELLED "TOMORROW," 252 00:12:27,538 --> 00:12:33,335 "TOMROROW." 253 00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:34,503 BUT WHO AM I TO JUDGE? 254 00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:35,880 THAT'S NOT HOW WE SPELL IT TODAY, BUT IT COULD BE HOW WE 255 00:12:35,963 --> 00:12:39,049 SPELL IT "TOMROROW." 256 00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:41,844 AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, THIS MAN IS AN AMERICAN HEROROW. 257 00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:44,847 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 258 00:12:44,930 --> 00:12:47,308 MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY IS HERE. 259 00:12:47,391 --> 00:12:49,685 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, KAMALA HARRIS GOES BACK TO WASHINGTON. 260 00:12:49,768 --> 00:12:51,145 NERD CRED. 261 00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:23,677 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, 262 00:13:23,761 --> 00:13:24,428 WELCOME BACK. 263 00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:27,723 LET'S SAY HELLO TO MR. JON BATISTE. 264 00:13:27,806 --> 00:13:28,557 HELLO, JON. 265 00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:30,392 >> Jon: THUNDER, THUNDER AND LIGHTNING! 266 00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:31,560 THUNDER. 267 00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:32,770 >> Stephen: THE BAND SOUNDED GREAT JUST NOW ON THAT BUMPER, 268 00:13:32,853 --> 00:13:35,022 BIG SOUND. 269 00:13:35,105 --> 00:13:38,192 HOW DO YOU GET SUCH A BIG SOUND WITH YOU'RE ALL APART? 270 00:13:38,275 --> 00:13:40,402 IT'S ALL IN THE ENGINEERING, I SUPPOSE. 271 00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:42,029 >> Jon: YEAH, AND IN THE HANDS OF THE PLAYERS. 272 00:13:42,112 --> 00:13:44,031 YOU HAVE TO JUST CHANNEL IT, YOU KNOW. 273 00:13:44,114 --> 00:13:47,868 WE'RE TRYING OUR BEST TO MAKE IT FEEL GOOD IN THIS QUARANTINE 274 00:13:47,952 --> 00:13:49,245 TIME. 275 00:13:49,328 --> 00:13:50,454 >> Stephen: JON, I'M GOING TO MISS YOU THANKSGIVING. 276 00:13:50,538 --> 00:13:52,831 THE PEOPLE OUT THERE MAY NOT KNOW, BUT FOR THE LAST FOUR, 277 00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:56,585 FIVE YEARS WE'VE BEEN HAVING THANKSGIVING TOGETHER. 278 00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:57,670 >> Jon: YEAH. 279 00:13:57,753 --> 00:14:01,048 >> Stephen: AND ARE YOU GOING TO BE AT YOUR-- AT YOUR 280 00:14:01,131 --> 00:14:02,424 SPECIAL-- SPECIAL QUARANTINE PLACE? 281 00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:03,050 >> Jon: YEAH. 282 00:14:03,133 --> 00:14:04,134 I'LL BE QUARANTINING. 283 00:14:04,218 --> 00:14:07,763 I'LL MISS YOU, AND I'LL MISS HAVING MY FAMILY COME UP, 284 00:14:07,846 --> 00:14:08,931 BECAUSE THEY USUALLY COME UP. 285 00:14:09,014 --> 00:14:10,599 >> Stephen: YOUR MOM AND DAD USUALLY HAVE DINNER WITH US, 286 00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:12,059 TOO. 287 00:14:12,142 --> 00:14:14,061 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO FOR YOU-- WOULD YOU LIKE SOME 288 00:14:14,144 --> 00:14:15,437 OF THE CHARLESTON BISCUITS. 289 00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:20,442 WOULD YOU LIKE SOME OF THE CHEESE BISCUITS? 290 00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:22,987 >> Jon: OH, YES! 291 00:14:23,070 --> 00:14:23,654 PLEASE. 292 00:14:23,737 --> 00:14:25,447 THESE BISCUITS, COLD-BLOODED! 293 00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:26,824 >> Stephen: THEY'RE PRETTY GOOD. 294 00:14:26,907 --> 00:14:29,451 THEY'RE PRETTY GOOD BISCUITS. 295 00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:32,955 I WILL HAVE MY MOTHER-IN-LAW SHIP YOU THE BISCUITS. 296 00:14:33,038 --> 00:14:34,123 SHE WILL BE SO HAPPY TO DO SO. 297 00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:37,126 DO YOU HAVE ANY MUSIC TO GET PEOPLE READY FOR SOME HAPPINESS 298 00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:38,460 FOR THE HOLIDAYS? 299 00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:39,587 >> Jon: YES, INDEED. 300 00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:43,674 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ I WANT A BISCUIT 301 00:14:43,757 --> 00:14:48,095 I NEED IT RIGHT NOW ♪ I WANT A BISCUIT 302 00:14:48,178 --> 00:14:53,017 OH, LET ME TELL YOU HOW ♪ >> Stephen: I SMELL A HIT. 303 00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:57,855 I SMELL A HIT. 304 00:14:57,938 --> 00:14:59,481 JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY. 305 00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:02,484 IT MIGHT BE THE BISCUITS, BUT I THINK I'M SMELLING A HIT. 306 00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:06,363 >> Jon: YES, INDEED HAVE A GOOD ONE. 307 00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:07,615 >> Stephen: FOLKS, BEFORE WE GET TO IT, I JUST NEED TO LET YOU 308 00:15:07,698 --> 00:15:11,660 KNOW THAT THE SECOND SEASON OF "OF OUR CARTOON PRESIDENT" RIGHT 309 00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:14,997 THERE, OF WHICH I AM THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER, IS AVAILABLE 310 00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:20,169 NOW ON D.V.D. 311 00:15:20,252 --> 00:15:27,009 SO GO OUT, GET THIS DVD, AND THEN FIND A DVD PLAYER. 312 00:15:27,092 --> 00:15:28,052 MAYBE TRY SIFTING THROUGH THE RUBBLE OF AN ABANDONED 313 00:15:28,135 --> 00:15:30,179 BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO. 314 00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:32,640 I DON'T KNOW. 315 00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:36,685 AND IF YOU STILL CAN'T FIND A DVD PLAYER, I THINK IT'S GOING 316 00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:39,855 TO BE AVAILABLE ON LASER DISC, AT SOME POINT, OR MARIONETTE 317 00:15:39,938 --> 00:15:44,401 SHOW AT SOME POINT. 318 00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:46,028 OR EDISON WAX CYLINDER VERY SOON. 319 00:15:46,111 --> 00:15:49,365 THEY'RE DOING TALKIES THIS YEAR. 320 00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:52,201 EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE A DVD PLAYER, IT'S JUST REALLY NICE 321 00:15:52,284 --> 00:15:53,494 AND SHINY. 322 00:15:53,577 --> 00:15:54,370 I BET YOUR KIDS COULD WHIP IT AT EACH OTHER ON CHRISTMAS MORNING. 323 00:15:54,453 --> 00:15:55,037 GO GET IT. 324 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:55,663 GO GET IT. 325 00:15:55,746 --> 00:15:57,039 DO I GET A PIECE OF THIS? 326 00:15:57,122 --> 00:15:59,208 DO I GET A LITTLE TASTE? 327 00:15:59,291 --> 00:16:01,210 DOES DADDY GET A LITTLE TASTE OF THIS? 328 00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:03,212 I GOT BISCUITS TO BUY. 329 00:16:03,295 --> 00:16:08,550 OKAY, HERE WE GO. 330 00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:13,055 SPEAKING OF SHINY NEW THINGS THAT WE'RE ALL HAPPY ABOUT, 331 00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:16,225 YESTERDAY, KAMALA HARRIS WAS BACK IN THE SENATE FOR A ROUTINE 332 00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:18,060 VOTE, AND IT WAS A BIG DEAL, BECAUSE IT MARKED THE FIRST TIME 333 00:16:18,143 --> 00:16:20,229 SHE WAS ON CAPITOL HILL SINCE BECOMING VICE PRESIDENT-ELECT. 334 00:16:20,312 --> 00:16:21,355 IT'S LIKE COMING HOME FROM YOUR FIRST YEAR AT COLLEGE AND 335 00:16:21,438 --> 00:16:25,234 MEETING UP WITH YOUR OLD FRIENDS. 336 00:16:25,317 --> 00:16:26,235 "OH, WHAT DID YOU DO LAST SEMESTER? 337 00:16:26,318 --> 00:16:26,568 OH, YOU GOT BANGS? 338 00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:28,529 THAT'S COOL. 339 00:16:28,612 --> 00:16:28,821 I DEFEATED THE MOST DANGEROUS PRESIDENT IN AMERICAN HISTORY, 340 00:16:28,904 --> 00:16:30,030 NO BIGS. 341 00:16:30,114 --> 00:16:34,535 YOU GUYS WANT TO DO BRUNCH?" SHE WAS THERE TO VOTE AGAINST 342 00:16:34,618 --> 00:16:36,620 ONE OF THE PRESIDENT'S FEDERAL RESERVE BOARD NOMINEES, AND IT 343 00:16:36,704 --> 00:16:40,624 WAS A GOOD THING SHE WAS THERE. 344 00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:46,630 BECAUSE HAD HARRIS MISSED THE VOTE, VICE PRESIDENT PENCE WOULD 345 00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:47,881 HAVE BEEN CALLED TO BREAK THE 48-48 TIE. 346 00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:49,049 SHE BLOCKED HIM! 347 00:16:49,133 --> 00:16:51,593 THERE HASN'T BEEN A VICE PRESIDENTIAL SMACKDOWN THIS 348 00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:52,886 INTENSE SINCE SPIRO AGNEW PILE-DRIVED HUBERT HUMPHREY AT 349 00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:57,057 THE RUMBLE IN THE ROTUNDA! 350 00:16:57,141 --> 00:17:00,060 IT REALLY SHOULD BE THE THUNDER IN THE ROTUNDA, DON'T YOU THINK? 351 00:17:00,144 --> 00:17:03,480 THERE IT IS. 352 00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:06,567 NOW, YOU'D THINK HARRIS'S APPEARANCE WOULD BE AWKWARD, 353 00:17:06,650 --> 00:17:10,279 BECAUSE NEARLY ALL OF HER REPUBLICAN COLLEAGUES HAVE 354 00:17:10,362 --> 00:17:12,114 JOINED THE PRESIDENT'S FANTASY ISLAND IN DENYING HER VICTORY. 355 00:17:12,197 --> 00:17:15,409 BUT SHE DID GET CONGRATULATIONS FROM SEVERAL FOLKS ACROSS THE 356 00:17:15,492 --> 00:17:19,121 AISLE, INCLUDING THIS FIST BUMP FROM LINDSEY GRAHAM. 357 00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:22,291 THAT COULD HAVE BEEN A CORDIAL EXCHANGE, OR SHE COULD HAVE JUST 358 00:17:22,374 --> 00:17:27,629 BEEN BLOCKING HIS PUNCH. 359 00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:30,466 BECAUSE HE'S GOT THE FOREARMS OF A PREMIE KITTEN. 360 00:17:30,549 --> 00:17:34,303 HERE'S THE THING: SENATOR GRAHAM HAS BEEN ACTIVELY TRYING TO GET 361 00:17:34,386 --> 00:17:36,680 BIDEN-HARRIS VOTES THROWN AWAY, LEGITIMATE VOTES, THROW THEM 362 00:17:36,764 --> 00:17:38,307 OUT. 363 00:17:38,390 --> 00:17:40,309 BUT HE EXPLAINED THAT IT'S ALL IN GOOD FUN, AND THAT HE WAS 364 00:17:40,392 --> 00:17:41,977 "JUST SAYING HELLO. 365 00:17:42,060 --> 00:17:43,645 I HAVEN'T A SEEN HER IN A WHILE. 366 00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:46,315 IF IT WORKS OUT AND THEY MAKE IT, I TOLD HER I WISH HER WELL 367 00:17:46,398 --> 00:17:48,442 AND TRY TO WORK WHERE WE CAN. 368 00:17:48,525 --> 00:17:52,154 WE WILL KNOW HERE IN A MONTH OR SO, OR LESS." 369 00:17:52,237 --> 00:17:52,780 MUCH LESS. 370 00:17:52,863 --> 00:17:54,782 LIKE, NEGATIVE TWO WEEKS. 371 00:17:54,865 --> 00:17:56,241 BECAUSE IT'S OVER, LINDSEY. 372 00:17:56,325 --> 00:17:57,576 SHE WON. 373 00:17:57,659 --> 00:18:00,829 YOU SOUND LIKE THE BEST MAN AT A WEDDING SAYING: 374 00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:02,498 "CONGRATULATIONS TO THE COUPLE! 375 00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:04,333 I REALLY THINK THESE TWO COULD ONE DAY FALL IN LOVE AND GET 376 00:18:04,416 --> 00:18:06,001 MARRIED. 377 00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:10,339 TILL THEN, ME AND RUDY GIULIANI ARE GOING TO BE SHAMELESSLY 378 00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:12,800 HITTIN' ON THE CHICK IN THE WHITE DRESS." 379 00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:19,181 REPUBLICAN SENATORS SWORE THAT CONGRATULATING THE VICE 380 00:18:19,264 --> 00:18:21,016 PRESIDENT-ELECT DOES NOT MEAN THEY'RE HYPOCRITES. 381 00:18:21,099 --> 00:18:22,851 SENATOR JAMES LANKFORD TOLD REPORTERS, "THE ELECTION IS NOT 382 00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,812 SETTLED. 383 00:18:24,895 --> 00:18:26,563 IF SOMEONE WALKS RIGHT UP TO YOU, YOU SAY, 'HELLO, 384 00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:28,732 CONGRATULATIONS.'" COOL, MAN. 385 00:18:28,816 --> 00:18:32,736 NICE SAVE. 386 00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:33,612 "WOAH, WOAH! 387 00:18:33,695 --> 00:18:34,696 DON'T GET IT TWISTED. 388 00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:40,744 I DO NOT RESPECT THE WILL OF THE VOTERS. 389 00:18:40,828 --> 00:18:44,748 I JUST HAVE MANNERS. 390 00:18:44,832 --> 00:18:51,380 TO EVERYONE I MEET, I SAY, 'HELLO, CONGRATULATIONS." 391 00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:52,756 ON HAVING BEEN SAID HELLO TO BY ME.'" 392 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:55,175 WHEN WE'RE BACK, I'LL BE JOINED BY THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE, 393 00:18:55,259 --> 00:18:55,801 EMERITUS, MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY. 394 00:18:55,884 --> 00:18:56,510 THE THUNDER IN THE ROTUNDA! 395 00:19:11,149 --> 00:19:11,733 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, 396 00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:12,943 WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW." 397 00:19:13,026 --> 00:19:16,405 MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACADEMY AWARD-WINNING ACTOR YOU 398 00:19:16,488 --> 00:19:18,407 KNOW FROM "DAZED AND CONFUSED," "MAGIC MIKE," AND "DALLAS BUYERS 399 00:19:18,490 --> 00:19:20,576 CLUB." 400 00:19:20,659 --> 00:19:26,540 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO A LATE SHOW, MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY! 401 00:19:26,623 --> 00:19:28,584 >> HOW WE DOING, MR. COLBERT! 402 00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:30,294 >> Stephen: WE'RE DOING ALL RIGHT. 403 00:19:30,377 --> 00:19:32,713 IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE YOU, MATTHEW. 404 00:19:32,796 --> 00:19:33,297 YOU'RE ALWAYS A GREAT GUEST. 405 00:19:33,380 --> 00:19:34,131 YOU KNOW I LIKE YOU. 406 00:19:34,214 --> 00:19:35,591 >> I LIKE YOU, TOO. 407 00:19:35,674 --> 00:19:36,842 >> Stephen: THAT'S GOOD TO HEAR IT. 408 00:19:36,925 --> 00:19:40,304 I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING, THOUGH, IT'S KIND OF BAD TO SEE YOU AT 409 00:19:40,387 --> 00:19:44,308 THE SAME TIME, BECAUSE THIS IS THE SECOND TIME I'VE SPOKEN TO 410 00:19:44,391 --> 00:19:50,272 YOU IN QUARANTINE, AND THAT JUST DRIVES HOME, THAT DRIVES HOME 411 00:19:50,355 --> 00:19:53,525 HOW LONG WE'VE BEEN IN QUARANTINE AT THIS POINT. 412 00:19:53,609 --> 00:19:55,736 >> OR MAYBE HOW MUCH YOU LIKE ME. 413 00:19:55,819 --> 00:19:58,780 MAYBE IT'S HOW MUCH WE LIKE EACH OTHER, YOU KNOW,. 414 00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:01,158 >> Stephen: I'M NOT SAYING-- I'M NOT TAKING ANYTHING AWAY 415 00:20:01,241 --> 00:20:08,165 FROM THE OBVIOUS AFEKS WE HAVE FOR EACH OTHER, I'M JUST SAYING, 416 00:20:08,248 --> 00:20:09,166 COME ON, MAN. 417 00:20:09,249 --> 00:20:10,417 THIS IS A LONG TIME. 418 00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:12,586 >> IT'S TIME. 419 00:20:12,669 --> 00:20:15,589 >> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT TAKES THE STING OUT OF IT, 420 00:20:15,672 --> 00:20:16,006 MATTHEW? 421 00:20:16,089 --> 00:20:16,882 >> WHAT'S THAT? 422 00:20:16,965 --> 00:20:20,010 >> Stephen: THIS WILD TURKEY YOU SENT ME. 423 00:20:20,093 --> 00:20:22,179 AND I'M NOT BRINGING IT UP JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE MY GUEST. 424 00:20:22,262 --> 00:20:26,308 I WANT TO TELL THE OTHER GUESTS BE MORE LIKE MATTHEW 425 00:20:26,391 --> 00:20:28,644 McCONAUGHEY. 426 00:20:28,727 --> 00:20:31,188 NOT ONLY DID YOU SEND ME THIS, YOU SENT ME A WHOLE DAMN GIFT 427 00:20:31,271 --> 00:20:32,272 BASKET TO GO WITH IT. 428 00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:35,192 THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT, TOM HANKS, OKAY. 429 00:20:35,275 --> 00:20:37,277 ( LAUGHTER ) STEP UP! 430 00:20:37,361 --> 00:20:39,321 ALL RIGHT? 431 00:20:39,404 --> 00:20:42,449 >> REMEMBER, HE LIKES HIS WILD TURKEY. 432 00:20:42,532 --> 00:20:44,159 IT WILL NOT GOOD BAD. 433 00:20:44,242 --> 00:20:44,826 HE WILL USE IT. 434 00:20:44,910 --> 00:20:47,371 >> Stephen: I WILL, ALL RIGHT. 435 00:20:47,454 --> 00:20:51,625 LISTEN, WHAT IS-- YOU HAVE SOMETHING I DO WANT TO TALK 436 00:20:51,708 --> 00:20:52,793 ABOUT. 437 00:20:52,876 --> 00:20:54,461 WILD TURKEYS WITH-- WITH-- >> WITH THANKS. 438 00:20:54,544 --> 00:20:58,799 >> Stephen: "WITH THANKS" INITIATIVE. 439 00:20:58,882 --> 00:21:02,135 TEAL MAY WHAT THAT IS WHILE I POUR MYSELF A GLASS OF THIS. 440 00:21:02,219 --> 00:21:05,055 >> ABOUT FOUR YEARS AGO I HAVE BEEN CREATIVE DIRECTOR OF WILD 441 00:21:05,138 --> 00:21:09,351 TURKEY AND ABOUT FOUR YEARS AGO WE SAID LET'S QUIT MAKING BIG 442 00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:11,144 ADVERTISEMENTS, LET'S DO SOMETHING GOOD, SHINE SOME LIGHT 443 00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:12,354 ON PEOPLE WHO ARE DOING GOOD OR HELP PEOPLE OUT. 444 00:21:12,437 --> 00:21:18,485 WE HAD A TURKEY GIVE-AWAY IN LAUENCEBURG, AND WE WENT TO THE 445 00:21:18,568 --> 00:21:19,695 FIRST RESPONDERS AFTER THE HURRICANE IN HOUSTON. 446 00:21:19,778 --> 00:21:24,491 WE WENT TO THE FIRST RESPONDERS AND FIREMEN AND WOMEN IN L.A. 447 00:21:24,574 --> 00:21:26,076 AFTER THE FIRES. 448 00:21:26,159 --> 00:21:28,078 AND THIS YEAR, WITH COVID, WE SAID LET'S FIND FOUR AMERICANS 449 00:21:28,161 --> 00:21:32,499 THAT ARE DOING SOMETHING REALLY GOOD FOR THEIR OWN COMMUNITIES, 450 00:21:32,582 --> 00:21:34,042 ALL RIGHT. 451 00:21:34,126 --> 00:21:36,503 SO WE FOUND SOMEBODY IN AUSTIN, NEW ORLEANS, CHICAGO, AND 452 00:21:36,586 --> 00:21:39,715 DALLAS, THAT ARE GIVING COVID TESTS TO THEIR COMMUNITY THAT 453 00:21:39,798 --> 00:21:41,425 CAN'T GIVE THEM-- GET THEM. 454 00:21:41,508 --> 00:21:45,345 ANOTHER LADY IS GIVING NECESSITIES LIKE DIAPERS AND 455 00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:50,058 BACKPACKS AND PANTS TO KIDS THAT CAN'T GET THEM AT THIS TIME. 456 00:21:50,142 --> 00:21:52,436 ANOTHER GUY IN NEW ORLEANS CREATED 250,000 JOBS FOR 457 00:21:52,519 --> 00:21:54,271 MUSICIANS AND HOSPITALITY WORKERS OUT OF WORK SINCE COVID. 458 00:21:54,354 --> 00:21:57,524 WE'RE SHINING A LIGHT ON THEM, TELL THEIR STORY. 459 00:21:57,607 --> 00:22:00,110 HOPEFULLY THAT MAKES OTHER PEOPLE IN AMERICA GO, "HEY, I 460 00:22:00,193 --> 00:22:01,737 KNOW SOMEBODY IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD DOING WELL. 461 00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:03,363 I'M GOING TO SHINE A LIGHT ON THEM. 462 00:22:03,447 --> 00:22:06,366 OR HEY, MAYBE I'LL BECOME ONE MYSELF." 463 00:22:06,450 --> 00:22:10,120 THAT'S THE "THANKS INITIATIVE." 464 00:22:10,203 --> 00:22:13,373 THIS IS A LONG-RUNNING PRODUCT AS WELL-- I MEAN, A WILD TURKEY 465 00:22:13,457 --> 00:22:15,208 PRODUCT AS WELL. 466 00:22:15,292 --> 00:22:16,460 I'M GOING TO JOIN YOU HERE, SIR. 467 00:22:16,543 --> 00:22:18,420 >> Stephen: NOW, YOU CELEBRATED A BIRTHDAY. 468 00:22:18,503 --> 00:22:21,423 DO YOU HAVE ANY BIRTHDAY TRADITIONS, ANYTHING-- ANYTHING 469 00:22:21,506 --> 00:22:24,426 THAT'S SPECIAL YOU LIKE TO DO EVERY YEAR? 470 00:22:24,509 --> 00:22:27,763 >> AH, NO, IT'S USUALLY WITH THE FAMILY. 471 00:22:27,846 --> 00:22:31,433 YOU KNOW, LIKE I SAID, FOUR YEARS AGO, WE DECIDED THE 472 00:22:31,516 --> 00:22:36,938 BIRTHDAY WOULD BE I HEAD OUT AND GO ON THAT TURKEY DROP IN 473 00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:38,106 LAWRENCEBERG. 474 00:22:38,190 --> 00:22:39,191 THIS YEAR -- >> Stephen: I'M SORRY, WHAT'S 475 00:22:39,274 --> 00:22:39,733 A TURKEY DROP? 476 00:22:39,816 --> 00:22:41,318 WHAT'S A TURKEY DROP? 477 00:22:41,401 --> 00:22:45,655 >> DELIVER 1,000 TURKEYS TO PEOPLE'S DOORS, MOST OF THOSE 478 00:22:45,739 --> 00:22:47,324 PEOPLE WHO MAY NOT BE ABE TO GET A TURKEY ON THANKSGIVING. 479 00:22:47,407 --> 00:22:52,162 >> Stephen: I WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU AREN'T ACTUALLY 480 00:22:52,245 --> 00:22:54,122 LITERALLY DROPPING TURKEYS OUT OF SOMETHING. 481 00:22:54,206 --> 00:22:55,916 >> DROPPING TURKEYS OFF. 482 00:22:55,999 --> 00:22:58,460 >> Stephen: BECAUSE DOMESTIC TURKEYS ARE FLIGHTLESS AND THEY 483 00:22:58,543 --> 00:23:02,631 WOULD JUST HIT THE GROUND LIKE A-- LIKE A FLIGHTLESS TURKEY. 484 00:23:02,714 --> 00:23:04,424 >> LIKE A FLIGHTLESS TURKEY. 485 00:23:04,508 --> 00:23:05,550 LIKE A PENGUIN. 486 00:23:05,634 --> 00:23:06,968 >> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT YOU? 487 00:23:07,052 --> 00:23:09,262 WHAT DO YOU DO FOR YOURSELF? 488 00:23:09,346 --> 00:23:11,640 BIRTHDAY MORNING IS IT ALL ABOUT MATTHEW, ALL DAY LONG? 489 00:23:11,723 --> 00:23:14,184 >> WELL, TO SOME EXTENT. 490 00:23:14,267 --> 00:23:17,020 LIKE THE LAST BIRTHDAY-- I JUST TURNED 51. 491 00:23:17,104 --> 00:23:20,482 I HAD AN HOUR WITH MYSELF, HAD A LITTLE INVENTORY -- 492 00:23:20,565 --> 00:23:21,441 >> Stephen: DON'T GLOSS OVER THAT. 493 00:23:21,525 --> 00:23:26,613 WHAT DOES THAT MEAN "AN HOUR WITH YOURSELF." 494 00:23:26,696 --> 00:23:29,616 >> A LITTLE REFLECTION TIME. 495 00:23:29,699 --> 00:23:30,617 HOW WAS 50? 496 00:23:30,700 --> 00:23:32,702 >> Stephen: IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR? 497 00:23:32,786 --> 00:23:36,498 >> OH, 100%, RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR, YOU KNOW. 498 00:23:36,581 --> 00:23:38,959 NO, I WAS ACTUALLY OUTSIDE, CAUGHT A SUNRISE. 499 00:23:39,042 --> 00:23:39,793 >> Stephen: THAT'S NICE. 500 00:23:39,876 --> 00:23:41,211 >> I DON'T CATCH MANY OF THOSE. 501 00:23:41,294 --> 00:23:43,505 >> Stephen: ARE YOU A MORNING MAN? 502 00:23:43,588 --> 00:23:46,174 >> NO, I'M A SUNSET DUDE. 503 00:23:46,258 --> 00:23:47,467 >> Stephen: YOU'RE A SUNSET DUDE. 504 00:23:47,551 --> 00:23:49,177 OKAY. 505 00:23:49,261 --> 00:23:49,678 >> ARE YOU A MORNING MAN? 506 00:23:49,761 --> 00:23:51,555 >> Stephen: UH, NO. 507 00:23:51,638 --> 00:23:53,181 NO. 508 00:23:53,265 --> 00:23:56,017 I'M A-- >> ME EITHER. 509 00:23:56,101 --> 00:23:57,435 >> I'M A MOON-RISE MAN. 510 00:23:57,519 --> 00:23:59,646 >> MOON RISE? 511 00:23:59,729 --> 00:24:04,568 IF YOU CAN PARLAY THAT SITUATION GET A SUNSET AND MOON-RISE 512 00:24:04,651 --> 00:24:06,027 HAPPENING AT THE SAME TIME. 513 00:24:06,111 --> 00:24:08,321 >> Stephen: OH, SURE, THE SETTING SUN AND RISING MOON 514 00:24:08,405 --> 00:24:10,657 MOVING IN PERFECT OPPOSITION AND CONCORDANCE. 515 00:24:10,740 --> 00:24:13,285 >> THAT'S-- THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL DANCE. 516 00:24:13,368 --> 00:24:14,703 >> Stephen: YEAH. 517 00:24:14,786 --> 00:24:17,706 >> SO, YEAH, I HAD AN HOUR WITH MYSELF WITH THE SUNRISE ON MY 518 00:24:17,789 --> 00:24:18,957 BIRTHDAY. 519 00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:20,500 I WENT BACK IN, SNUGGLED UP WITH MY WIFE FOR A FEW HOURS, AND WE 520 00:24:20,584 --> 00:24:25,505 DID NOT COME OUT AND GREET THE DAY, THE REST OF THE FAMILY, 521 00:24:25,589 --> 00:24:27,507 UNTIL IT WAS LURCH TIME. 522 00:24:27,591 --> 00:24:32,888 GRABBED THE KIDDOS, WENT OUTSIDE, TURNED UP THE MUSH, HAD 523 00:24:32,971 --> 00:24:38,852 AN OUTDOOR LUNCH AND TURNED INTO AN OUTDOOR DINNER AND WE WATCHED 524 00:24:38,935 --> 00:24:41,062 "SURVIVOR," A SHOW WE WERE CATCHING UP ON. 525 00:24:41,146 --> 00:24:43,565 >> Stephen: THAT'S A CBS PRODUCT, ISN'T IT? 526 00:24:43,648 --> 00:24:45,233 THERE YOU GO! 527 00:24:45,317 --> 00:24:48,612 YOU PUSH THE I'LL PUSH THE WILD TURKEY, YOU PUSH THE CBS PRIME 528 00:24:48,695 --> 00:24:49,905 TIME. 529 00:24:49,988 --> 00:24:50,864 IT'S A DEAL! 530 00:24:50,947 --> 00:24:52,574 I HOPE YOU CHECK IT OUT SOME DAY. 531 00:24:52,657 --> 00:24:54,868 I HAVE HEARD REALLY GOOD THINGS. 532 00:24:54,951 --> 00:24:56,870 YOU SEEM LIKE A MAN SWHO A FONT OF WISDOM. 533 00:24:56,953 --> 00:25:03,084 >> AND NEED YOU, IF YOU DON'T MIND, TO GIVE SOME OF OUR 534 00:25:03,168 --> 00:25:07,130 VIEWERS SOME MATTHEW McCONA-HELP. 535 00:25:07,214 --> 00:25:10,800 FOR PEOPLE CELEBRATING FAMILY APART FROM FAMILY THIS YEAR. 536 00:25:10,884 --> 00:25:12,636 DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE FOR THEM? 537 00:25:12,719 --> 00:25:14,262 IT'S THE SOUND THING TO DO. 538 00:25:14,346 --> 00:25:16,681 >> YEAH, LET'S SEE WHAT THE SOUND THING TO DO THIS 539 00:25:16,765 --> 00:25:18,266 THANKSGIVING TURKEY DAY. 540 00:25:18,350 --> 00:25:22,103 I WILL SAY THIS-- IT IS A GOOD TIME TO THINK ABOUT OH, LET'S 541 00:25:22,187 --> 00:25:23,647 SURVIVE, LET'S NOT THRIVE. 542 00:25:23,730 --> 00:25:27,651 I KNOW YOU WANT TO GET TOGETHER WITH YOUR-- WITH ALL YOUR 543 00:25:27,734 --> 00:25:29,611 FAMILY, COME FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, BUT THIS YEAR MIGHT BE 544 00:25:29,694 --> 00:25:32,948 A GOOD YEAR TO HOLD OFF ON THAT. 545 00:25:33,031 --> 00:25:37,661 AND IF DO YOU THAT, THAT WILL BE-- THAT WILL BE BETTER THAN 546 00:25:37,744 --> 00:25:39,788 THE TURKEY WAS EVER GOING TO TASTE. 547 00:25:39,871 --> 00:25:41,831 >> Stephen: AND HOW SWEET WILL NEXT THANKSGIVING BE? 548 00:25:41,915 --> 00:25:44,376 >> IT WILL BE SO SWEET. 549 00:25:44,459 --> 00:25:47,420 >> Stephen: THERE WILL BE A GREAT-- GREAT RUBBING OF PARTS. 550 00:25:47,504 --> 00:25:48,588 >> TWO YEARS' WORTH. 551 00:25:48,672 --> 00:25:51,591 DOUBLE UP NEXT YEAR. 552 00:25:51,675 --> 00:25:54,678 >> Stephen: YOU CAN DOUBLE UP ON THE PIE. 553 00:25:54,761 --> 00:25:56,930 LET'S TALK GRATITUDE. 554 00:25:57,013 --> 00:25:58,515 WHAT ARE YOU GIVING THANKS FOR THIS YEAR, BIG OR SMALL? 555 00:25:58,598 --> 00:26:02,686 LIKE, WHAT'S A SMALL THING YOU'RE GIVING THANKS FOR. 556 00:26:02,769 --> 00:26:03,770 >> SMALL THING. 557 00:26:03,853 --> 00:26:06,147 >> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU GRATEFUL FOR. 558 00:26:06,231 --> 00:26:07,440 >> THERE'S ONE RIGHT THERE. 559 00:26:07,524 --> 00:26:13,989 AND I DO LOVE A REALLY NEW SHARP PAIR OF THESE. 560 00:26:14,072 --> 00:26:15,490 ( WHISTLES ). 561 00:26:15,573 --> 00:26:16,658 >> Stephen: YOU LITERALLY LOOKED DOWN AND YOU HAD NAIL 562 00:26:16,741 --> 00:26:19,160 CLIPPERS IN FRONT OF YOU? 563 00:26:19,244 --> 00:26:23,873 >> GIVE ME A CUP OF WILD TURKEY LONG BRANCH WITH ONE ROCK IN IT, 564 00:26:23,957 --> 00:26:27,335 A GOOD HEADLAMP WITH A PRESH BATTERY AND A FRESH PAIR OF 565 00:26:27,419 --> 00:26:29,546 CLIPPERS AND I'LL GO HAVE A 30-MINUTE SESSION WITH MY 566 00:26:29,629 --> 00:26:30,672 FINGERS AND TOES. 567 00:26:30,755 --> 00:26:32,716 IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE TIMES OF MY DAY. 568 00:26:32,799 --> 00:26:35,885 I LOVE A GOOD SHARP CLIPPER, NAIL CLIPPER. 569 00:26:35,969 --> 00:26:38,680 >> Stephen: I DID NOT-- I DID NOT EXPECT THAT TO BE THE 570 00:26:38,763 --> 00:26:42,517 PLEASURE ZONE FOR MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY. 571 00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:43,518 >> IT'S ONE OF THEM. 572 00:26:43,601 --> 00:26:45,687 I HAVE THESE IN EVERY ROOM IN THE HOUSE. 573 00:26:45,770 --> 00:26:48,481 THERE ARE 40 PAIR -- >> Stephen: REALLY? 574 00:26:48,565 --> 00:26:51,818 DO YOU JUST CLIP AT RANDOM AND THEY JUST FLY AROUND THE ROOM AT 575 00:26:51,901 --> 00:26:53,194 ALL TIMES? 576 00:26:53,278 --> 00:26:55,655 ARE THERE DRIPS OF TO NAIL CLIPPINGS IN THE CORNER. 577 00:26:55,739 --> 00:27:00,660 >> I HAVE MY ZONES, AND PROBABLY MY ZONES MAY TRESPASS ON THE 578 00:27:00,744 --> 00:27:03,830 OTHER PEOPLE IN THE FAMILY'S ZONE A LITTLE BIT, AND THEY GO, 579 00:27:03,913 --> 00:27:04,581 "THAT'S KIND OF RUDE." 580 00:27:04,664 --> 00:27:08,209 "OKAY, OKAY, HEADING OUTSIDE. 581 00:27:08,293 --> 00:27:09,377 HEADING OUTSIDE." 582 00:27:09,461 --> 00:27:12,839 >> Stephen: YOU HAVE ADDED SOMETHING TO YOUR RESUME THIS 583 00:27:12,922 --> 00:27:15,550 YEAR. 584 00:27:15,633 --> 00:27:19,220 THE TIMES NUMBER-ONE BESTSELLER AUTHOR, YOUR MEMOIR, 585 00:27:19,304 --> 00:27:20,805 "GREENLIGHTS," WENT TO NUMBER ONE. 586 00:27:20,889 --> 00:27:24,267 WHAT, MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY, DOES THAT MEAN? 587 00:27:24,351 --> 00:27:24,768 WHAT'S "GREENLIGHTS"? 588 00:27:24,851 --> 00:27:27,228 >> CHECK THIS OUT. 589 00:27:27,312 --> 00:27:27,771 GREEN LIGHTS. 590 00:27:27,854 --> 00:27:29,439 WE LOVE GREEN LIGHTS. 591 00:27:29,522 --> 00:27:36,571 THEY SAY YES, CARRY ON, ONWARD, THATTA BOY, THAT A GIRL. 592 00:27:36,654 --> 00:27:37,614 WE DON'T LIKE THE RED LIGHTS. 593 00:27:37,697 --> 00:27:38,782 THEY MAKE THINGS HARD. 594 00:27:38,865 --> 00:27:41,242 THE CRISES OR WHATEVER. 595 00:27:41,326 --> 00:27:45,497 THE RED AND YELLOW EVENTUALLY TURN GREEN, OR REVEAL ASSETS IN 596 00:27:45,580 --> 00:27:50,418 THE FUTURE, VIA LESSONS WE LEARN VIA THE YELLOW AND RED, AND THAT 597 00:27:50,502 --> 00:27:51,628 MAKES THEM TURN GREEN. 598 00:27:51,711 --> 00:27:54,589 AND THAT'S WHY I THINK LIFE IS ALL GREEN LIGHTS. 599 00:27:54,672 --> 00:28:00,095 EVEN THE R REDS AND YELLOWS, THE CRISES WHEN WE'RE IN THEM. 600 00:28:00,178 --> 00:28:02,639 >> Stephen: I'M GLAD TO HEAR YOU'RE NOT TRASH TALKING REDS 601 00:28:02,722 --> 00:28:05,100 AND YELLOWS. 602 00:28:05,183 --> 00:28:07,685 IF ALL LIGHTS WERE GREEN ALL THE TIME, PEOPLE WOULD BE SLAMMING 603 00:28:07,769 --> 00:28:08,895 INTO EACH OTHER. 604 00:28:08,978 --> 00:28:12,899 >> YOU WOULD GO FULL SPEED AND YOU WOULD BE DIZZY. 605 00:28:12,982 --> 00:28:15,819 YOU HAVE TO INCLUDE THE REDS AND YELLOWS. 606 00:28:15,902 --> 00:28:18,988 >> Stephen: YOU INCLUDE A LOT OF WISDOMS AND BUMPER STICKER 607 00:28:19,072 --> 00:28:20,281 SLOGANS IN HERE. 608 00:28:20,365 --> 00:28:23,576 WHY DO YOU LOVE BUTCHER STICKER SLOGANS SO MUCH? 609 00:28:23,660 --> 00:28:27,580 >> YOU KNOW, IT'S ONE OF THE-- BUMPER STICKERS ARE SORT OF ONE 610 00:28:27,664 --> 00:28:30,959 OF THE BASTIONS OF REAL ACCEPTABLE FREE SPEECH. 611 00:28:31,042 --> 00:28:35,338 YOU GOTTA SAY-- BECAUSE THEY'RE A BUMPER STICKER, NOBODY TAKES 612 00:28:35,422 --> 00:28:36,798 THEM THAT SERIOUSLY. 613 00:28:36,881 --> 00:28:39,968 WHEN YOU SEE A BUMPER STICKER, YOU KNOW WHO SOMEBODY VOTED FOR. 614 00:28:40,051 --> 00:28:40,760 YOU KNOW IF THEY HAVE A FAMILY. 615 00:28:40,844 --> 00:28:43,012 YOU KNOW WHAT THEIR DENOMINATION IS. 616 00:28:43,096 --> 00:28:45,348 YOU KNOW IF THEY'RE A GUN CARRIER OR NOT. 617 00:28:45,432 --> 00:28:47,725 YOU CAN FIND OUT SO MUCH BY A BUMPER STICKER. 618 00:28:47,809 --> 00:28:52,856 AND WHAT I ALWAYS FIND FUN IS PULL UP ON A CAR, SEE A BUMPER 619 00:28:52,939 --> 00:28:55,775 STICKER AND IMMEDIATELY GET AN IMAGE OF WHO IS BEHIND THE WHEEL 620 00:28:55,859 --> 00:28:59,154 AND PULL UP NEXT TO THAT CAR AND SEE IF THE PERSON DRIVING FITS 621 00:28:59,237 --> 00:29:02,866 THE IMAGE YOU HAD VIA THE BUMPER STICKER. 622 00:29:02,949 --> 00:29:07,829 OR VICE VERSA, YOU SEE SOMEBODY BEHIND YOU, THEY PULL BY AND SEE 623 00:29:07,912 --> 00:29:12,625 A BUMPER STICKER AND MAY BE EXACTLY WHAT YOU THOUGHT AND 624 00:29:12,709 --> 00:29:13,918 MAYBE SOMETHING DIFFERENT. 625 00:29:14,002 --> 00:29:16,004 >> Stephen: MAYBE HOW ABOUT THIS: I THINK YOU CAN LEARN 626 00:29:16,087 --> 00:29:17,797 THINGS FROM PEOPLE'S BUMPER STICKERS. 627 00:29:17,881 --> 00:29:24,179 INSTEAD OF AN APP LIKE TINDER, YOU TAKE A PHOTO OF A BUMPER 628 00:29:24,262 --> 00:29:28,558 STICKER AND PEOPLE JUDGE WHETHER THEY WANT TO MEET YOU BASED ON 629 00:29:28,641 --> 00:29:29,726 THAT. 630 00:29:29,809 --> 00:29:32,520 >> HEY, TALKING SUNSETS AND SUNRISES NOW, AREN'T WE? 631 00:29:32,604 --> 00:29:33,771 THAT WOULD WORK. 632 00:29:33,855 --> 00:29:36,941 >> Stephen: IS IT TRUE-- I HEARD YOU SAY THAT YOU MIGHT 633 00:29:37,025 --> 00:29:42,197 CONSIDER RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR IN TEXAS? 634 00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:45,575 MR. McCONAUGHEY, WILL YOU RUN FOR GOVERNOR OF TEXAS? 635 00:29:45,658 --> 00:29:49,662 IT'S A SIMPLE ANSWER: YES OR HELL YES. 636 00:29:49,746 --> 00:29:50,580 WHICH ONE IS IT? 637 00:29:50,663 --> 00:29:51,873 >> I HAVE NO PLANS TO DO THAT RIGHT NOW. 638 00:29:51,956 --> 00:29:54,959 AS I SAID, THAT WOULD BE UP TO -- 639 00:29:55,043 --> 00:29:56,794 >> Stephen: THAT'S SUCH A POLITICAL ANSWER! 640 00:29:56,878 --> 00:30:00,715 THAT'S THE POLITICAL ANSWER: I HAVE NO PLANS AT THIS POINT. 641 00:30:00,798 --> 00:30:02,884 OBVIOUSLY I HAVE TO DISCUSS IT WITH MY FAMILY AND MY SPIRITUAL 642 00:30:02,967 --> 00:30:03,885 ADVISER. 643 00:30:03,968 --> 00:30:06,179 >> WELL, THAT WOULD BE TRUE AS WELL. 644 00:30:06,262 --> 00:30:06,930 CHECK THIS OUT. 645 00:30:07,013 --> 00:30:07,472 LOOK, RIGHT NOW, NO. 646 00:30:07,555 --> 00:30:08,848 I DON'T GET POLITICS. 647 00:30:08,932 --> 00:30:12,685 POLITICS SEEMS TO BE A BROKEN BUSINESS. 648 00:30:12,769 --> 00:30:14,729 POLITICS NEEDS TO REDEFINE ITS PURPOSE. 649 00:30:14,812 --> 00:30:18,233 SO AS I MOVE FORWARD IN LIFE, AND, YES, AM I GOING TO CONSIDER 650 00:30:18,316 --> 00:30:20,777 LEADERSHIP ROLES WHERE I CAN BE MOST USEFUL? 651 00:30:20,860 --> 00:30:22,111 I WOULD LOVE THAT. 652 00:30:22,195 --> 00:30:23,738 I'M DOING THAT REGARDLESS. 653 00:30:23,821 --> 00:30:24,948 SO THAT'S WHERE I SIT RIGHT NOW. 654 00:30:25,031 --> 00:30:27,909 THAT CAME OUT-- I ACTUALLY JUST READ THAT HEADLINE ACTUALLY 655 00:30:27,992 --> 00:30:28,952 ABOUT AN HOUR AGO. 656 00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:29,786 >> Stephen: ME, TOO. 657 00:30:29,869 --> 00:30:33,248 >> DIDN'T KNOW IT CAME OUT THAT WAY. 658 00:30:33,331 --> 00:30:35,708 >> Stephen: RIGHT BEFORE I CAME DOWN HERE, I SAW THAT 659 00:30:35,792 --> 00:30:36,584 HEADLINE. 660 00:30:36,668 --> 00:30:38,253 DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHERE THAT CAME FROM? 661 00:30:38,336 --> 00:30:40,964 >> YEAH, I DID-- I DID-- I'VE BEEN ASKED THAT QUESTION IF I 662 00:30:41,047 --> 00:30:44,759 WAS INTERESTED IN RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR QUITE A BIT LATELY. 663 00:30:44,842 --> 00:30:46,219 >> Stephen: OH, OKAY. 664 00:30:46,302 --> 00:30:49,264 >> AND I'VE ALWAYS KIND OF GIVEN THE SAME ANSWER BUT EVIDENTLY 665 00:30:49,347 --> 00:30:53,768 ONE OF THEM CAME OUT I WOULD CONSIDER IT SINCE I DIDN'T SAY 666 00:30:53,851 --> 00:30:54,769 ABSOLUTE NO. 667 00:30:54,852 --> 00:30:57,021 >> Stephen: SO "I WOULD CONSIDER IT," MATTHEW 668 00:30:57,105 --> 00:30:58,606 McCONAUGHEY, THAT STANDS? 669 00:30:58,690 --> 00:31:00,984 >> WHATEVER LEADERSHIP ROLE I CAN BE MOST USEFUL IN, AND I 670 00:31:01,067 --> 00:31:03,069 DON'T KNOW THAT THAT'S POLITICS. 671 00:31:03,152 --> 00:31:06,155 RIGHT NOW, I DON'T SEE IT AS POLITICS. 672 00:31:06,239 --> 00:31:07,657 I'LL DRINK TO THAT. 673 00:31:07,740 --> 00:31:10,076 >> Stephen: OKAY, YOU MADE SOME BOLD CLAIMS IN THE BOOKS 674 00:31:10,159 --> 00:31:12,245 AND WE ONLY HAVE SECOND HERE'S, MATTHEW. 675 00:31:12,328 --> 00:31:13,079 >> COME ON, COME ON. 676 00:31:13,162 --> 00:31:14,998 >> Stephen: THIS IS A LIGHTNING ROLE. 677 00:31:15,081 --> 00:31:17,959 YOU SAID YOU'D RATHER BE A SAILOR THAN AN ASTRONAUT. 678 00:31:18,042 --> 00:31:19,294 DEFEND YOURSELF. 679 00:31:19,377 --> 00:31:20,461 >> OH, YEAH. 680 00:31:20,545 --> 00:31:22,672 >> Stephen: I'D RATHER JOIN THE ARMY INSTEAD OF AIR FORCE, 681 00:31:22,755 --> 00:31:23,631 ALWAYS HAVE. 682 00:31:23,715 --> 00:31:24,799 >> Stephen: WHY, YOU DON'T LIKE UP? 683 00:31:24,882 --> 00:31:26,718 >> I GOT NO PROBLEM WITH UP. 684 00:31:26,801 --> 00:31:30,430 I'M STILL GETTING OFF TO WHAT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, THOUGH, 685 00:31:30,513 --> 00:31:32,515 CHASING THAT SUNSET OVER THE HORIZON. 686 00:31:32,599 --> 00:31:35,268 EVERY TIME YOU TAKE A PATH, EVEN THOUGH IT'S THE SAME ONE I HAVE 687 00:31:35,351 --> 00:31:37,228 TAKEN BEFORE, IT'S DIFFERENT EVERY SINGLE TIME. 688 00:31:37,312 --> 00:31:41,691 >> Stephen: HAVE YOU DONE BIG SAILS, OPEN-OCEAN SAILING, 689 00:31:41,774 --> 00:31:42,483 ANYTHING LIKE THAT? 690 00:31:42,567 --> 00:31:43,818 >> NOT REALLY. 691 00:31:43,901 --> 00:31:46,738 >> Stephen: IF YOU LIKE SUNSETSES-- YOU SAY YOU'RE A 692 00:31:46,821 --> 00:31:49,824 SUNSET MAN, THERE'S NOTHING LOOK A SUNSET OUT IN THE MIDDLE OUT 693 00:31:49,907 --> 00:31:50,992 THERE. 694 00:31:51,075 --> 00:31:53,077 YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SEE, MATTHEW-- >> WHAT DO YOU SEE. 695 00:31:53,161 --> 00:31:54,495 >> Stephen: GREEN FLASH. 696 00:31:54,579 --> 00:31:56,039 YOU HAVE EVER SEEN THE GREEN FLASH? 697 00:31:56,122 --> 00:31:58,708 >> YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I HAVE. 698 00:31:58,791 --> 00:32:01,502 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IT'S NOT GOING TO 699 00:32:01,586 --> 00:32:04,339 GET BETTER THAN THAT, GUYS. 700 00:32:04,422 --> 00:32:07,300 "GREENLIGHTS," THE MAN HELD UP THE BOOK, BUT I WILL, TOO. 701 00:32:07,383 --> 00:32:08,134 IT'S AVAILABLE NOW. 702 00:32:08,217 --> 00:32:09,135 MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY, EVERYBODY. 703 00:32:09,218 --> 00:32:10,678 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER. 704 00:32:10,762 --> 00:32:11,095 THANK YOU, MATTHEW. 705 00:32:26,277 --> 00:32:27,820 WELCOME BACK! 706 00:32:27,904 --> 00:32:30,406 MY NEXT GUEST IS ONE OF THE ORIGINAL KINGS OF COMEDY AND THE 707 00:32:30,490 --> 00:32:34,535 STAR OF THE CBS SITCOM, "THE NEIGHBORHOOD." 708 00:32:34,619 --> 00:32:35,912 >> TRUST ME. 709 00:32:35,995 --> 00:32:39,207 YOU'RE GOING TO NEED TO ADD A LITTLE FLASH AND A LITTLE SWAG. 710 00:32:39,290 --> 00:32:43,878 IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT SCHOOL FUNDING, HOW ABOUT THIS: WE'VE 711 00:32:43,961 --> 00:32:48,383 GOT TO FUND SCHOOLS OR GRADUATE FOOLS. 712 00:32:48,466 --> 00:32:50,218 ( LAUGHTER ) >> OKAY, THAT WAS ACTUALLY 713 00:32:50,301 --> 00:32:50,718 REALLY GOOD. 714 00:32:50,802 --> 00:32:51,552 >> YEAH. 715 00:32:51,636 --> 00:32:52,553 DID YOU JUST COME UP WITH THAT? 716 00:32:52,637 --> 00:32:55,390 >> I'M A DRAGON, GUYS. 717 00:32:55,473 --> 00:32:56,349 I JUST SPITFIRE. 718 00:32:56,432 --> 00:33:00,770 ( LAUGHTER ) >> OKAY, WELL, COME ON, MAN. 719 00:33:00,853 --> 00:33:02,397 BURN MY VILLAGE DOWN. 720 00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:03,398 ( LAUGHTER ). 721 00:33:03,481 --> 00:33:05,400 >> OKAY, ALL RIGHT, CHECK THIS OUT. 722 00:33:05,483 --> 00:33:11,572 WE CAN'T BE SAFE IN THE PARK IF IT'S TOO DAMN DARK. 723 00:33:11,656 --> 00:33:15,702 ( LAUGHTER ) OR RECYCLE YOUR TRASH AND WE'LL 724 00:33:15,785 --> 00:33:19,247 GIVE YOU SOME CASH. 725 00:33:19,330 --> 00:33:21,416 ( LAUGHTER ) >> BUT THAT ONE'S NOT TRUE. 726 00:33:21,499 --> 00:33:22,959 >> IT DOESN'T MATTER. 727 00:33:23,042 --> 00:33:31,259 IT RHYMES. 728 00:33:31,342 --> 00:33:32,260 >> Stephen: "PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW," CEDRIC THE 729 00:33:32,343 --> 00:33:33,511 ENTERTAINER! 730 00:33:33,594 --> 00:33:35,263 >> WHAT'S UP? 731 00:33:35,346 --> 00:33:37,056 >> Stephen: CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER, THAT'S ESTABLISHED. 732 00:33:37,140 --> 00:33:39,517 YOUR NAME HAS BEEN NOTERRIZED. 733 00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:40,768 >> YEAH. 734 00:33:40,852 --> 00:33:43,187 >> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ENTERTAIN YOURSELF RIGHT NOW? 735 00:33:43,271 --> 00:33:45,606 PEOPLE NEED ANY FORM OF ENTERTAINMENT THEY CAN TO GET 736 00:33:45,690 --> 00:33:46,941 THROUGH COVID. 737 00:33:47,024 --> 00:33:48,109 WHAT'S YOUR FORM OF ENTERTAINMENT, CEDRIC? 738 00:33:48,192 --> 00:33:53,448 >> MY MAIN THING, LIKE MOST PEOPLE, IS DOING A LOT OF 739 00:33:53,531 --> 00:33:54,449 GROCERY SHOPPING. 740 00:33:54,532 --> 00:33:55,199 >> Stephen: NOT THE COOKING. 741 00:33:55,283 --> 00:33:57,243 IT'S THE ACTUAL GROCERY SHOPPING? 742 00:33:57,326 --> 00:34:04,834 >> YEAH, GO TO THE GROCERY STORE, AND JUST FIND MYSELF-- 743 00:34:04,917 --> 00:34:08,838 I'VE BEEN LEARNING AVOCADO-- A LOT OF PEOPLE TAKE IT FOR 744 00:34:08,921 --> 00:34:09,797 GRANTED. 745 00:34:09,881 --> 00:34:11,632 >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW, WHAT IS THE SECRET? 746 00:34:11,716 --> 00:34:15,303 >> THE SECRET IS YOU HAVE TO-- YOU HAVE TO FIND THE CORRECT 747 00:34:15,386 --> 00:34:18,806 DEGREE OF SOFTNESS AND FIRMNESS SO IT IS A-- IT'S LIKE LEARNING 748 00:34:18,890 --> 00:34:24,437 TO PLAY THE SAXOPHONE. 749 00:34:24,520 --> 00:34:25,521 IT'S THIS-- ( HUMMING ) 750 00:34:25,605 --> 00:34:33,279 IF YOU DO KENNY G., IF YOU JUST HUM IT TO YOURSELF... 751 00:34:33,362 --> 00:34:37,492 ( HUMMING ) YOU CAN FIND THE RIGHT AVOCADO. 752 00:34:37,575 --> 00:34:38,576 >> Stephen: IT'S KENNY G.. 753 00:34:38,659 --> 00:34:43,498 WHAT IF I THINK COAL TRAIN WHILE SQUEEZING AN AVOCADO. 754 00:34:43,581 --> 00:34:44,832 WHAT HAPPENS? 755 00:34:44,916 --> 00:34:48,961 >> OH, NOW YOU'RE TALKING GUACAMOLE, MY FRIEND! 756 00:34:49,045 --> 00:34:49,337 STEPHEN! 757 00:34:49,420 --> 00:34:49,629 COAL TRAIN! 758 00:34:49,712 --> 00:34:50,254 COME ON. 759 00:34:50,338 --> 00:34:51,380 YOU'RE GOING TO DO TOO MUCH. 760 00:34:51,464 --> 00:34:55,301 >> Stephen: SEASON THREE OF "THE NEIGHBORHOOD" PREMIERED 761 00:34:55,384 --> 00:34:56,302 THIS WEEK. 762 00:34:56,385 --> 00:34:59,180 IT'S SO NICE TO HAVE YOU GUYS BACK. 763 00:34:59,263 --> 00:35:01,557 >> YUP. 764 00:35:01,641 --> 00:35:03,309 >> Stephen: NOW, WHAT WAS IT LIKE TO DO THE SHOW-- AGAIN, YOU 765 00:35:03,392 --> 00:35:06,145 SHOT THE NEW SEASON DURING COVID. 766 00:35:06,229 --> 00:35:06,854 >> YEAH. 767 00:35:06,938 --> 00:35:08,356 >> Stephen: WE'RE IN COVID NOW. 768 00:35:08,439 --> 00:35:09,065 YOU'RE SHOOTING IT. 769 00:35:09,148 --> 00:35:10,149 WHAT IS THAT LIKE? 770 00:35:10,233 --> 00:35:12,360 WHAT ARE THE PRECAUTIONS YOU GUYS TOOK? 771 00:35:12,443 --> 00:35:14,487 >> WELL, IT WAS TOUGH. 772 00:35:14,570 --> 00:35:16,948 ONE, LIKE ANYBODY WHO HAD TO COME BARK IT WAS ALL OF THE-- 773 00:35:17,031 --> 00:35:18,574 YOU KNOW, THEY HAD PROTOCOL. 774 00:35:18,658 --> 00:35:24,497 AND IT WAS A LOT OF, YOU KNOW, MASKS, SHIELD, FULL BEEKEEPER'S 775 00:35:24,580 --> 00:35:25,873 UNIFORM ON, YOU KNOW. 776 00:35:25,957 --> 00:35:29,377 ONE DAY I JUST WORE A BURQUA. 777 00:35:29,460 --> 00:35:33,881 JUST COVERED MYSELF AND NO ONE EVEN KNEW IT WAS ME, OKAY. 778 00:35:33,965 --> 00:35:42,890 AND THEN-- BUT WE HAVE A LADY HERE THAT IS-- I LIKE TO HER HER 779 00:35:42,974 --> 00:35:44,058 THE PRO-PO. 780 00:35:44,141 --> 00:35:46,561 SHE'S THE PROTOCOL POLICE. 781 00:35:46,644 --> 00:35:47,770 SHE'S THE PRO-PO. 782 00:35:47,854 --> 00:35:50,565 ANYTHING, IF YOU'RE DRINKING A COFFEE AND YOU PUT IT DOWN ON 783 00:35:50,648 --> 00:35:53,985 SOMETHING, THEN SHE'S COMING THROUGH A SANITIZERS AND YOU'VE 784 00:35:54,068 --> 00:35:56,404 GOT TO WIPE IT BEFORE YOU COULD GET BACK UP. 785 00:35:56,487 --> 00:35:57,405 IT'S A LOT UPON. 786 00:35:57,488 --> 00:35:59,073 I'M LIKE THE COFFEE IS ALREADY HOT. 787 00:35:59,156 --> 00:36:04,579 I BELIEVE THAT THE CORONAVIRUS DOESN'T WORK WELL IN HEAT 788 00:36:04,662 --> 00:36:08,040 ACCORDING TO THE PRESIDENT, THAT WHEN IT WAS GOING TO WARM UP, IT 789 00:36:08,124 --> 00:36:09,000 DIDN'T WORK. 790 00:36:09,083 --> 00:36:12,003 SO I'VE GOT LOGIC OF WHY I THINK THIS IS FINE. 791 00:36:12,086 --> 00:36:14,630 SO I'M NOT UNDERSTANDING WHY I HAVE TO WIPE ALL THIS STUFF 792 00:36:14,714 --> 00:36:15,047 DOWN. 793 00:36:15,131 --> 00:36:16,757 BUT WHATEVER. 794 00:36:16,841 --> 00:36:18,426 >> Stephen: THAT CLIP THAT WE JUST SAW HAD LAUGHTER IN IT, BUT 795 00:36:18,509 --> 00:36:21,012 THERE'S NO LIVE AUDIENCE, RIGHT? 796 00:36:21,095 --> 00:36:22,597 BECAUSE OF COVID, YOU GUYS CAN'T HAVE ONE. 797 00:36:22,680 --> 00:36:23,598 >> YEAH. 798 00:36:23,681 --> 00:36:25,266 >> Stephen: SO THAT'S A LAUGH TRACK. 799 00:36:25,349 --> 00:36:29,937 WHAT-- WHAT IS-- AND IT'SANDABLE THAT YOU HAVE ONE BECAUSE IT'S-- 800 00:36:30,021 --> 00:36:32,440 THAT'S, YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE NO CHOICE AT THIS POINT. 801 00:36:32,523 --> 00:36:35,776 DO YOU EVER HAVE ANY DISAGREEMENTS ON HOW THE PEOPLE 802 00:36:35,860 --> 00:36:36,444 ACTUALLY LAY THE LAUGHS IN? 803 00:36:36,527 --> 00:36:38,613 BECAUSE YOU'RE A PROFESSIONAL. 804 00:36:38,696 --> 00:36:40,448 YOU HAVE PERFORMED LIVE YOUR ENTIRE CAREER. 805 00:36:40,531 --> 00:36:41,616 YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SOUND LIKE. 806 00:36:41,699 --> 00:36:46,162 DO DO YOU EVER GO LIKE, "NO, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN BIGGER." 807 00:36:46,245 --> 00:36:48,289 OR "THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE TRAIL-OFF, A LITTLE TAIL 808 00:36:48,372 --> 00:36:52,835 ON THAT, AND I WOULD HAVE RIDDEN IT OFF TO THE NEXT LAUGH." 809 00:36:52,919 --> 00:36:53,961 >> EXACTLY. 810 00:36:54,045 --> 00:36:55,796 YOU LISTEN TO THE LAUGH SOMETIMES AND YOU SEE THE EDIT, 811 00:36:55,880 --> 00:36:57,256 AND YOU'RE LIKE MAN, THAT'S NOT-- LISTEN TO THE JOKE, AND 812 00:36:57,340 --> 00:37:00,801 YOU KNOW THAT THAT LAUGH WOULD HAVE BEEN ONE THAT KIND OF, 813 00:37:00,885 --> 00:37:02,637 LIKE, CAUGHT ON. 814 00:37:02,720 --> 00:37:03,471 AND YOU NEED THAT. 815 00:37:03,554 --> 00:37:09,810 THAT'S THE ONE THAT'S-- ( LAUGHING ). 816 00:37:09,894 --> 00:37:13,105 >> Stephen: CAN I JUST GET A RECORDING OF HIM LAUGHING AND 817 00:37:13,189 --> 00:37:17,109 PLAY THAT DURING THIS SHOW BECAUSE I WOULD FEEL MUCH 818 00:37:17,193 --> 00:37:17,985 BETTER. 819 00:37:18,069 --> 00:37:20,488 >> NOT ALL LAUGHS ARE AT THE SAME LEVEL. 820 00:37:20,571 --> 00:37:22,698 WE KNOW THIS AS BEING STAND-UP. 821 00:37:22,782 --> 00:37:27,662 THEY LISTEN TO ME SOMETIMES, STEPHEN, I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO GET 822 00:37:27,745 --> 00:37:30,706 INTO THE LAB EDITZ AND WORK WITH THEM, AND WE'RE GETTING BETTER. 823 00:37:30,790 --> 00:37:31,624 THAT WAS OUR FIRST ONE. 824 00:37:31,707 --> 00:37:32,959 THAT WAS THE FIRST ONE. 825 00:37:33,042 --> 00:37:35,670 >> Stephen: CEDRIC, WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK. 826 00:37:35,753 --> 00:37:36,504 STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE CEDRIC 827 00:37:36,587 --> 00:37:37,380 THE ENTERTAINER. 828 00:38:03,864 --> 00:38:06,701 >> ISOLATION IS ONE OF THE UNSPOKEN TRAGEDIES OF THE 829 00:38:06,784 --> 00:38:09,245 ELDERLY WHO ARE NOW BEING TOLD DON'T SEE YOUR FAMILY AT 830 00:38:09,328 --> 00:38:11,664 THANKSGIVING. 831 00:38:11,747 --> 00:38:13,666 FOR MANY PEOPLE, THIS IS THEIR FINAL THANKSGIVING, BELIEVE IT 832 00:38:13,749 --> 00:38:14,417 OR NOT. 833 00:38:14,500 --> 00:38:17,044 WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE? 834 00:38:17,128 --> 00:38:21,048 >> WHAT TRUMP ADVISER DR. SCOTT ATLAS JUST SAID IS ONE OF THE 835 00:38:21,132 --> 00:38:23,676 MANY GIFTS FROM THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION, THAT WE, THE 836 00:38:23,759 --> 00:38:25,761 COVID FAMILY, GIVE THANKS FOR ON THIS THANKSGIVING. 837 00:38:25,845 --> 00:38:27,722 THIS COB OUR LAST THANKSGIVING, BUT IT'S PEOPLE LIKE THEM WHO 838 00:38:27,805 --> 00:38:31,851 MAKE SURE IT'S TRULY UNFORGETTABLE. 839 00:38:31,934 --> 00:38:32,393 HAPPY SUPER-SPREADER THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE! 840 00:38:47,992 --> 00:38:49,076 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, 841 00:38:49,160 --> 00:38:51,203 WE'RE BACK WITH THE STAR OF "THE NEIGHBORHOOD," CEDRIC THE 842 00:38:51,287 --> 00:38:53,039 ENTERTAINER. 843 00:38:53,122 --> 00:38:55,750 YOU-- WE'RE COMING UP ON THE 20th ANNIVERSARY OF THE 844 00:38:55,833 --> 00:38:58,252 ORIGINAL KINGS OF COMEDY. 845 00:38:58,335 --> 00:38:59,086 COMEDY. 846 00:38:59,170 --> 00:38:59,754 >> THANKS! 847 00:38:59,837 --> 00:39:01,047 >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. 848 00:39:01,130 --> 00:39:02,048 THERE YOU GO. 849 00:39:02,131 --> 00:39:05,217 IS THERE ANY KIND OF REUNION IN THE FUTURE HERE. 850 00:39:05,301 --> 00:39:06,761 SADLY, BERNIE MAC IS GONE. 851 00:39:06,844 --> 00:39:09,430 BUT IS THERE ANY PLAN FOR YOU GUYS TO GO BACK ON THE ROAD? 852 00:39:09,513 --> 00:39:12,892 >> I MEAN, IT'S BEEN-- THERE'S A LITTLE BIT OF TALK. 853 00:39:12,975 --> 00:39:13,642 STEVE HARVEY WAS THE ONE. 854 00:39:13,726 --> 00:39:17,146 HE KIND OF RETIRED FROM STAND-UP. 855 00:39:17,229 --> 00:39:19,398 HE HAS 17 OTHER JOBS, SO BUT, YOU KNOW, HE -- 856 00:39:19,482 --> 00:39:24,945 >> Stephen: HE'S BUSY KEEPING THOSE FAMILIES FROM FEUDING WITH 857 00:39:25,029 --> 00:39:25,404 EACHING OTHER. 858 00:39:25,488 --> 00:39:26,989 >> YEAH. 859 00:39:27,073 --> 00:39:28,574 BUT HE'S CONSIDERING IT, AND I THINK IT WILL BE FUN FOR US TO 860 00:39:28,657 --> 00:39:29,784 TRY TO GET BACK OUT. 861 00:39:29,867 --> 00:39:33,287 BUT, YOU KNOW, WHO KNOWS WHEN WE'LL BE ABLE TO GO BACK OUT AND 862 00:39:33,370 --> 00:39:36,248 PERFORM, ESPECIALLY IN A CROWD THE SIZE OF THAT. 863 00:39:36,332 --> 00:39:38,459 YOU KNOW, WE WERE DOING ARENAS WITH THE KINGS OF COMEDY. 864 00:39:38,542 --> 00:39:41,629 BUT I LOOK FORWARD TO IT, IF WE DO. 865 00:39:41,712 --> 00:39:42,797 I DEFINITELY WOULD LOVE TO DO IT. 866 00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:43,589 >> Stephen: I WOULD LOVE TO SEE IT. 867 00:39:43,672 --> 00:39:47,259 CAN THE NEIGHBOR AIRS MONDAYS AT-- 868 00:39:47,343 --> 00:39:49,637 >> COME JOIN US, STEPHEN. 869 00:39:49,720 --> 00:39:52,139 >> Stephen: THAT WOULD BE A SURPRISING BOOKING ON THAT TOUR, 870 00:39:52,223 --> 00:39:54,975 AND I WOULD BE HONORED, CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER. 871 00:39:55,059 --> 00:39:58,604 STEPHEN THE HANGER ON. 872 00:39:58,687 --> 00:40:01,816 CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER, EVERYBODY. 873 00:40:01,899 --> 00:40:02,233 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 874 00:40:02,316 --> 00:40:03,150 THANKS, CEDRIC. 875 00:40:13,661 --> 00:40:15,496 LATE SHOW." 876 00:40:15,579 --> 00:40:18,165 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE LL COOL J, DAVE GROHL, 877 00:40:18,249 --> 00:40:20,876 AND MUSICAL GUEST, FOO FIGHTERS. 878 00:40:20,960 --> 00:40:21,919 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 879 00:40:22,002 --> 00:40:24,797 GOOD NIGHT. 880 00:40:26,423 --> 00:40:29,802 Captioning sponsored by CBS Captioned by 881 00:40:30,678 --> 00:40:30,928 Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org