Captioning sponsored by CBS
>> ACCORDING TO THE "NEW YORK POST," A JOGGER IN MELBOURNE WAS ATTACKED BY A KANGAROO ON
SATURDAY, AND SARAH JESSICA
PARKER MIGHT BE TO BLAME.
>> I THINK I WAS IN A STATE OF
SHOCK, BECAUSE IT KNOCKED ME TO
THE GROUND, AND I THOUGHT, DID
THAT ACTUALLY JUST HAPPEN?
SO THEN I SORT OF TURNED MY
HEAD, AND IT WAS JUST STANDING
THERE STARING AT ME.
>> PARK RANGERS BELIEVE THE
KANGAROO WAS ATTRACTED TO THE
FRAGRANCE SHE WAS WEARING.
>> SARAH JESSICA PARKER PERFUME.
>> MARSUPIAL.
MARSUPERIOR.
>> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." TONIGHT:
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES
COMMON
AND MUSICAL GUEST ANDREA BOCELLI
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
HOMIN'.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S
STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO A RARE
FRIDAY "LATE SHOW."
THIS IS A COLLECTOR'S ITEM.
TAKE THIS SHOW, PUT IT IN ONE OF
THOSE PLASTIC SLEEVES AND PUT IT
AWAY.
DON'T LET YOUR KIDS PLAY WITH
IT.
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
T.G.I.F., BY WHICH I MEAN, THANK
GOD INOCULATIONS FINALLY.
ALSO, THANK GOD FOR A NEW
PRESIDENT, FINALLY, FINALLY,
WHETHER OR NOT THE CURRENT ONE
CLINGING BY HIS FINGERNAILS TO
THE WHITE HOUSE DOORFRAME IS
READY TO SACK UP AND ACCEPT
REALITY.
YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT-ELECT BIDEN
AND VICE PRESIDENT-ELECT HARRIS
HAD THEIR FIRST OFFICIAL
POST-ELECTION INTERVIEW WITH
JAKE THE TAPPER.
BIDEN SAID A LOT OF THINGS, NONE
OF WHICH WILL HAVE TO BE
DEFENDED IN COURT BY HIS DRIPPY,
FARTING LAWYER.
THE TIMES, THEY ARE A-CHANGIN'.
( LAUGHTER )
I'M SO HAPPY.
I'M SO DAMN HAPPY.
AD FROM SHOW!
A FRIDAY SHOW!
ONE OF THE BIGGEST TOPICS JAKE
COVERED WAS AN UPDATE ON THE
PRESIDENT-ELECT'S RECENT
BOO-BOO.
SEE, LAST WEEK, WE LEARNED THAT
BIDEN HAD FRACTURED HIS FOOT
WHILE PLAYING WITH ONE OF HIS
DOGS.
WE ALL WONDERED HOW THAT WAS
EVEN POSSIBLE.
DID THE TWO OF THEM GO BASE
JUMPING?
WE KNOW HE LOVES IT.
WELL, BIDEN CLEARED THAT UP.
>> HOW IS YOUR FOOT, AND WHAT
HAPPENED?
>> WHAT HAPPENED WAS I GOT OUT
THE SHOWER-- I'VE GOT A DOG.
AND ANYBODY THAT'S BEEN AROUND
MY HOUSE KNOWS, THE LITTLE PUP
DROPPED THE BALL IN FRONT OF ME
AND FOR ME TO GRAB THE BALL.
AND I'M WALKING THROUGH THIS
LITTLE ALLEYWAY TO GET TO THE
BEDROOM, AND I GRABBED THE BALL
LIKE THIS, AND HE RAN, AND I WAS
JOKING, RUNNING AFTER HIM TO
GRAB HIS TAIL.
AND WHAT HAPPENED WAS HE SLID
ON A THROW RUG, AND I TRIPPED ON
THE RUG HE SLID ON.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
>> Stephen: THIS STORY HAS
EVERYTHING-- INTRIGUE, SUSPENSE,
AN OLD MAN WASHING HIMSELF.
( LAUGHTER )
THERE'S A LOT TO UNPACK IN THE
STORY.
THAT IS WHY I'M INTRODUCING A
NEW SEGMENT: "THE LATE SHOW'S
JOE BIDEN BROKEN FOOT
BREAKDOWN."
LET'S START AT THE BEGINNING.
JOE?
>> WHAT HAPPENED WAS I GOT OUT
THE SHOWER--
>> Stephen: OKAY, STOP RIGHT
THERE.
INTERESTING DETAIL, PAINT A
PICTURE.
NOT NECESSARILY RELEVANT TO THE
REST OF THE STORY.
YOU NEVER SAW THIS IN DICKENS.
"IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES, IT
WAS THE WORST OF TIMES, BUT
FIRST, LET ME BE CLEAR: I AM
BUTT-ASS NAKED.
YOU CAN SEE EVERYTHING, EVEN
LITTLE DORRIT."
( LAUGHTER )
SO, BIDEN'S NUDE, WET, AND
VULNERABLE.
PLEASE CONTINUE.
>> I'VE GOT A DOG.
AND ANYBODY THAT'S BEEN AROUND
MY HOUSE KNOWS, THE LITTLE PUP
DROPPED THE BALL IN FRONT OF ME
AND FOR ME TO GRAB THE BALL.
>> Stephen: OKAY, LET'S PAUSE
THERE AGAIN.
SIR, WHY DOES ANYONE WHO'S EVER
BEEN TO YOUR HOUSE KNOW THAT
YOUR DOG WAITS FOR YOU AT THE
SHOWER DOOR?
( AS BIDEN )
"THANKS FOR COMIN' TO CHECK OUT
THE CABLE BOX.
KEEPS FRITZIN' OUT.
ANYWAY, GOTTA GO UPSTAIRS, LET
THE PUP GET A GANDER AT ME
SUDSIN' UP.
RUB-A-DUB DUB, JACK."
LOAFA!
OKAY, SO THE DOG DROPPED THE
BALL FOR JOE TO PLAY WITH.
GO ON.
>> AND I'M WALKING THROUGH THIS
LITTLE ALLEYWAY TO GET TO THE
BEDROOM.
>> Stephen: AGAIN-- YOU HEARD
THAT RIGHT.
JOE'S SO OLD-SCHOOL SCRANTON,
HE'S GOT AN ALLEYWAY BETWEEN HIS
BATHROOM AND HIS BEDROOM.
WHEN HE WANTS A GLASS OF WATER
AT 3:00 A.M., HE'S GOT TO KNIFE
FIGHT A STREET TOUGH ON HIS WAY
TO THE SINK.
COME HERE!
BUT YOU GET THE IDEA, I GET THE
IDEA-- WE ALL GET THE IDEA.
YOU'RE ON THE MOVE.
WHAT HAPPENED THEN?
>> AND I'M WALKING THROUGH THIS
LITTLE ALLEYWAY TO GET TO THE
BEDROOM, AND I GRABBED THE BALL
LIKE THIS, AND HE RAN, AND I WAS
JOKING, RUNNING AFTER HIM TO
GRAB HIS TAIL.
>> Stephen: OKAY, PAUSE AGAIN.
YOU HAD THE BALL, AND YOU WERE
CHASING THE DOG?
THAT... THAT IS NOT HOW FETCH
WORKS.
KEEP GOING.
>> AND WHAT HAPPENED WAS HE
SLID ON A THROW RUG, AND I
TRIPPED ON THE RUG HE SLID ON.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
>> Stephen: IT'S STARTING TO
FEEL LIKE THE DOG WASN'T REALLY
MUCH OF A FACTOR HERE.
IS THIS GOING TO BE A TREND
THROUGHOUT HIS WHOLE
PRESIDENCY?
( AS BIDEN )
"SO, I'VE GOT BAD NEWS ABOUT
THAT SINGLE-PAYER HEALTH PLAN.
WHAT?
SORRY, WHAT?
THE OLD SOUND HOLES AREN'T
WORKING LIKE THEY USED TO.
I HAVE TO TRY THAT AGAIN.
"SO, I'VE GOT BAD NEWS ABOUT
THAT SINGLE-PAYER HEALTH PLAN.
YA SEE, MY DOG STEPPED ON THE
KEYBOARD, AND LONG STORY SHORT,
BLUE CROSS OWNS ALL YOUR ORGANS.
BAD DOG!
P.S. I WAS NAKED THE WHOLE TIME,
JACK!
BUFFIN' IT!"
I'M REALLY GOING TO ENJOY THIS.
I'M GOING TO ENJOY THIS.
BUT MY FAVORITE PART OF THE
STORY IS HOW MY FRIEND JAKE JUST
TRANSITIONS SMOOTHLY OUT OF IT.
>> THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
>> OH, MAN.
>> NOT A VERY EXCITING STORY.
>> NO, BUT LET'S TURN TO A MUCH
MORE SERIOUS HEALTH MATTER,
WHICH IS, OBVIOUSLY, THE
WORSENING PANDEMIC.
>> Stephen: ( SCREECHING TIRES
I WONDER IF JAKE'S EVER BEEN A
BEST MAN.
"ALLEN, RACHEL, SEEING THE TWO
OF YOU TOGETHER WARMS MY HEART.
AND SPEAKING OF WARMTH, LET'S
TALK ABOUT THE DEVASTATING
CALIFORNIA WILDFIRES."
BUT JAKE'S RIGHT, THINGS ARE NOT
GOING WELL IN AMERICA'S FIGHT
AGAINST THE CORONAVIRUS.
AND I WILL SPREAD THE LATEST
INFORMATION IN MY LINGERING
SEGMENT:
"CATCH A THIRD WAVE: ENDLESS
BUMMER."
>> EVEN I DON'T WANNA CATCH ME!
HEY, I'M GETTING SOAKED!
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: YESTERDAY, AMERICA
SUFFERED ITS WORST DAY OF THE
PANDEMIC, BREAKING RECORDS THAT
WERE ONLY SET THE DAY BEFORE.
AND WE JUST LEARNED THAT, AS OF
THIS WEEK, CORONAVIRUS IS THE
NUMBER ONE CAUSE OF DEATH IN THE
UNITED STATES, SURPASSING HEART
DISEASE.
AND MAY I REMIND YOU, THIS IS
THE COUNTRY THAT INVENTED
DEEP-FRIED OREOS.
AND OREOS.
BUT UNLIKE OUR CURRENT
PRESIDENT, BIDEN HAS A PLAN TO
GET COVID UNDER CONTROL, AND IT
BEGINS WITH A SIMPLE STEP:
>> I THINK MY INCLINATION, JAKE,
IS IN THE FIRST DAY I'M
INAUGURATED, TO SAY I'M GOING TO
ASK THE PUBLIC FOR 100 DAYS TO
MASK.
IS THERE IT REALLY IS
REASONABLE.
MOST OF US ARE ALREADY DOING IT.
NOT TOO CLOSELY.
REMEMBER TO STAY SIX FEET AWAY
FROM THE RECOMMENDATIONS,
PLEASE.
BIDEN ANNOUNCED DR. FAUCI WILL
KEEP HIS JOB, BUT NOW HE'LL BE
ALLOWED TO DO HIS JOB.
FAUCI IS GOING TO BE EVEN BUSIER
WHICH IS HARD TO IMAGINE
CONSIDERING THE 79-YEAR-OLD
IMMUNOLOGIST ALREADY HAS AN
AN-HOUR WORK DAY WITH ONE
10-MINUTE BATHROOM BREAK.
GOOD LORD!
FAUCI IS SETTING AN EXAMPLE THAT
IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR THE REST OF US
TO LIVE UP TO.
WEAR A MASK.
WAWB YOUR HANDS.
I GET IT.
BUT GO THROUGH ALL OF YOUR
BODILY FUNCTIONS IN 10 MINUTES
BEFORE LUNCH.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CATCH UP
ON MY INSTAS?
NOW, MOVING ON TO MORE URGENT
NEWS, THIS SHOW HAS BEEN
RIGOROUSLY FOLLOWING THE
MOVEMENTS OF THE MONOLITH, BOTH
IN OUR MONOLITH-THEMED MONOLOGUE
SEGMENT CALLED THE "MONO-LOGUE"
AND IN OUR FULL MONOLITH
"MEANWHILE" COVERAGE: MON-WHILE.
BUT THERE HAVE BEEN SO MANY
RECENT DEVELOPMENTS THAT WE HAVE
TO TRACK ALL OF THE MONOLITH
UPDATES AND RECORD THEM NOW IN A
DETAILED LOGBOOK WITH OUR NEW
MONOLITH-THEMED MONO-LOGUE
SUB-SEGMENT: "THE MONO-LOG."
PREVIOUSLY ON "THE MONO-LOG:"
THE MONOLITH FIRST APPEARED IN
UTAH, THEN DISAPPEARE DISAPPEARD
TO ROMANIA.
ON WEDNESDAY, THE MONOLITH MADE
A TRIUMPHANT RETURN IN
CALIFORNIA. BUT, SADLY, TURNS
OUT WE CAN'T HAVE NICE MONOLITHS
ANYMORE, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO
"GIZMODO,"
BIGOT LIVESTREAMERS HAVE TORN
DOWN THE CALIFORNIA MONOLITH IN
CHRIST'S NAME.
WELL, THAT MAKES SENSE.
JESUS HIMSELF SAID, "BLESSED ARE
THE BIGOT LIVESTREAMERS FOR THEY
SHALL INHERIT A MISGUIDED SENSE
OF MORALITY AND RUIN ANYTHING
FUN."
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: THE
MONOLITH WAS STANDING ON A
HILLSIDE, MINDING ITS OWN
BUSINESS, WHEN THREE YOUNG MEN
SHOWED UP-- ONE OF WHOM WAS
WEARING A "MAKE AMERICA GREAT
AGAIN" HEADBAND-- AND CALLED
PART OF THE MONOLITH'S
CONSTRUCTION "GAY."
OKAY, I'VE GOT A LOT OF
QUESTIONS.
FIRST OF ALL, I KNOW ABOUT THE
HATS, BUT THEY MAKE MAGA
HEADBANDS NOW?
ARE THEY STARTING MAGA-CISE
CLASSES?
"STAND BACK, STAND BY, AND DO
NOTFEEL THE BERN."
BY THE WAY, THIS IS ME
DEMONSTRATING EXERCISE.
THAT GIVES YOU SOME IDEA WHAT I
LOOK LIKE UNDER THE SHIRT.
SECOND OF ALL, BESIDES THE
OFFENSIVE USE OF "GAY" AS A
SLUR, HOW CAN PART OF THE
MONOLITH BE GAY?
THERE ARE NO PARTS!
IT IS A "MONO" LITH.
THERE'S ONLY ONE PART.
THE BOYS THEN TORE DOWN THE
MONOLITH AND REPLACED IT WITH A
WOODEN CROSS.
FAR BE IT FROM ME TO TELL THESE
IDIOTS HOW TO DO THEIR STUPID,
BUT IT SEEMS LIKE THEY COULD
HAVE SAVED A LOT OF TIME AND
EFFORT BY JUST ADDING A
PERPENDICULAR BEAM TO THE
MONOLITH.
MONOLITH IS ALREADY TWO THIRDS OF A CROSS. THEN THEY WOULD'VE HAD MORE FREE
TIME FOR THEIR OTHER IMPORTANT
WORK LIKE CROSSBOW SHOPPING AND
GOIN' OUT IN THE BACKYARD AND
SHOOTIN' FULL CANS OF BEEFARONI
WITH A CROSSBOW.
THESE HEADBAND-WEARING,
MONOLITH-HATING BIBLE BROS
EXPLAINED THEIR LOGIC, SAYING,
"CHRIST IS KING IN THIS COUNTRY.
WE DON'T WANT ILLEGAL ALIENS
FROM MEXICO OR OUTER SPACE."
SEE, THAT'S THE KIND OF IGNORANT
HATE SPEECH THAT IS RUINING THIS
BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY.
SPACE ALIENS ALREADY HAVE IT
ROUGH ENOUGH.
I MEAN, LOOK AT SUPERMAN.
HE SAVED US FROM LEX LUTHOR
COUNTLESS TIMES, AND HE STILL
HAD TO MARRY LOIS LANE JUST TO
GET A GREEN CARD.
BUT MAYBE MY FAVORITE PART OF
THIS DUMB, DUMB, DUMB, DUMB-DUMB STORY IS THAT, AFTER THEY TOPPLED THE MONOLITH, THEY TIED
ROPES AROUND IT AND DRAGGED IT
DOWN THE MOUNTAIN, CALLING IT
NAMES.
OH, SWEETIE, IT CAN'T HEAR YOU.
IT'S AN OBJECT-- A SEXY, ERECT
OBJECT THAT MEANS NOTHING TO
YOU.
NOW DRIVE OFF INTO THE SUNSET
WITH YOUR TRUCK FULL OF SWEATY,
HEADBAND-WEARING BOYS AND NEVER
QUESTION THE DEEPER MEANING OF
YOUR SPENDING ALL NIGHT ROPING
THE GIANT SHAFT.
AND IF THE PANDEMIC IS MAKING
YOU WISH YOU LIVED IN A GALAXY
FAR, FAR AWAY, GOOD NEWS,
FOLKS, BECAUSE, STARTING IN
JANUARY, THE NEW TV SHOW "STAR
WARS: KENOBI" IS SET TO SHOOT IN
BOSTON.
WHAT.
WHAT?
BOSTON?
REALLY?
IS THIS SHOW ABOUT OBI WAN
KANOBI OR HIS COUSIN FROM
SOUTHIE,
( BOSTON ACCENT )
"LOOK, YOUR HELMET'S WICKED
PISSAH, BUT THESE AREN'T THE
DROIDS YA LOOKIN' FOR.
NOW I GOTTA GO PARK THE DEATH
STAR IN ALDERAAN AND USE THE
FORCE!
I'M YOUR FATHER!"
THAT WAS A PERFECT BOSTON
ACCENT, NO LETTERS.
MAYBE THE OLD JEDI'S BEEN IRISH
THIS WHOLE TIME, AND THE CORRECT
SPELLING OF HIS NAME IS O'BIWAN!
BUT THE BOSTON SETTING MIGHT
PROVE A LITTLE CHALLENGING,
BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE SHOW'S
DESCRIPTION, THE SHOW IS SET ON
TATOOINE, A HARSH DESERT WORLD
WHERE FARMERS TOIL IN THE HEAT
OF TWO SUNS.
SO THE SCENERY AROUND UNCLE
OWEN'S MOISTURE FARM IS GOING TO
LOOK A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
I'LL TELL YOU THIS, THOUGH, I AM
EXCITED TO HEAR YODA SAY THIS.
>> SUCK, THE YANKEES DO.
>> Stephen: SO, THE NEW SHOW IS
UNDOUBTEDLY GOING TO HAVE A
TOUCH OF BOSTON FLAVOR.
IN FACT, WE HAVE A SNEAK PREVIEW
OF THE OPENING CREDITS.
JIM?
( TO TUNE OF "CHEERS" THEME )
♪ HIDING AWAY IN THE OUTER RIM
TAKES EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT
♪ TAKING A BREAK
FROM ALL THOSE JEDI
AND YOUR GARBAGE CAN ROBOT
♪ WOULDN'T YOU LIKE
TO GO TO SPACE
♪ SOMETIMES YOU WANNA GO
WHERE EVERYBODY
HAS WEIRD NAMES
♪ NOT HAVE TO FACE
THAT FRIEND YOU MAIMED
♪ YOU WANNA GO WHERE PEOPLE KNOW
THAT TROOPERS HAVE TERRIBLE AIM
♪ YOU WANNA GO WHERE
EVERYBODY HAS WEIRD NAMES ♪
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS COMMON.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, KIDS ASK THE
DARNDEST THINGS.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.
HELLO, JON.
>> Jon: WOOOO!
THAT'S A BAND THERE.
>> Stephen: IT IS.
I HAVE AN IMPORTANT QUESTION FOR
YOU, JON.
DO YOU HAVE FRIENDS DOWN IN
GEORGIA?
>> Jon: YES, I HAVE FRIEND IN
GEORGIA, OF COURSE.
FAMILY IN GEORGIA.
>> Stephen: DO YOU KNOW IF
THEY'RE REGISTERED TO VOTE.
REMEMBER, THE DEADLINE TO
REGISTER TO VOTE IN THE RUNOFFS
IN JANUARY FOR THE TWO SENATE
SEATS, THAT'S DECEMBER 7.
>> Jon: RIGHT.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> Jon: RIGHT, DECEMBER 7 IS
THE DEADLINE.
SO GOTTA SPREAD THE WORD.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN REGISTER
EVEN IF YOU WEREN'T REGISTERED
FOR THE GENERAL ELECTION IN
NOVEMBER, RIGHT?
>> Jon: RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AND IF YOU WEREN'T
OLD ENOUGH AT THE GENERAL
ELECTION.
SO IF YOU'VE TURNED 18 BETWEEN
NOVEMBER 3 AND JANUARY 5,
RIGHT-- I THINK THAT'S THE
ELECTION.
BOOM.
YOU'RE IN.
>> Jon: BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
THERE IT IS.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN REQUEST A
BALLOT BY MAIL.
AGAIN, IT'S JANUARY 5.
FOR MORE INFORMATION TO
EVERYBODY OUT THERE-- AND PLEASE
TELL YOUR FRIENDS IN GEORGIA,
JON, GO TO BETTERED
KNOWABALLOT.COM/GA, FOR ALL THE
RESOURCES YOU NEED AND A
STEP-BY-STEP VIDEO BY ME ON HOW
TO REGISTER TO VOTE.
IT'S FREE.
YOU'RE LOSING MONEY IF YOU DON'T
GO.
>> Jon: YOU CAN DO IT RIGHT
NOW.
>> Stephen: JON, YOU HAVE ANY
RUNOFF MUSIC, SOMETHING FOR A
RUNOFF?
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE,
EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, JON.
>> Jon:
♪ OH, GEORGIA ♪
>> Stephen: CHILDREN: THEY'RE
LIKE ADULTS, BUT NOT AS
EDUCATED.
AND THEY CERTAINLY DON'T TALK IN
PERFECT WORD CHOICES LIKE WE CAN
DO IT.
AND WITH KIDS SPENDING MORE TIME
AT HOME RIGHT NOW, PARENTS ARE
REALIZING THEY ASK A LOT OF
QUESTIONS.
SO I'VE BEEN PROVIDING A SERVICE
WHERE I ANSWER REAL QUESTIONS
FROM REAL KIDS, SENT IN BY REAL
PARENTS WHO ARE REAL TIRED.
SO, PARENTS, FEEL FREE TO TAKE A
BREAK AND LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN IN
FRONT OF THE TV.
BECAUSE IT'S TIME ONCE AGAIN FOR
>> "STEPHEN TAKES YOUR KIDS!"
>> Stephen: I AM NO LONGER
ASKING YOU, I AM TELLING YOU: WE
ARE CHANGING THAT NAME!
HI, KIDS.
I'M STEPHEN, AND I'LL BE YOUR
TEACHER TODAY.
AND I'M HERE TO ANSWER
QUESTIONS, SINCE MY MIND IS FULL
OF ALL THE CORRECT ANSWERS.
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT I
NEVER ASK A QUESTION?
EXACTLY.
LET'S GET STARTED.
FIRST QUESTION!
>> DOES A CHICKEN TALK TO A
CHICKEN?
>> Stephen: YES, IT CAN, UNLESS
THE SECOND CHICKEN FORGOT THE
FIRST CHICKEN'S BIRTHDAY.
THEN THEY MAY NOT TALK FOR
MONTHS.
NEXT QUESTION!
>> WHAT HAPPENS IF YOGURT GOES
IN YOUR-- UM-- NOSE?
>> Stephen: OKAY, THIS DOES NOT
SEEM LIKE A HYPOTHETICAL.
BUT DON'T PANIC-- I'M GOING TO
TALK YOU THROUGH THIS.
YOU GOT TWO OPTIONS: ONE, GO GET
A TISSUE, AND BLOW IT OUT.
TWO, ADD SOME BLENDED FRUIT AND
PROTEIN POWDER.
THEN YOU DON'T HAVE YOGURT UP
YOUR NOSE.
YOU'RE JUST MAKING A DELICIOUS
NASAL SMOOTHIE.
NEXT QUESTION.
>> IF THERE WAS ONE CHARACTER IN
THE ENTIRE "LORD OF THE RINGS"
STORY LINE THAT COULD BE AN
AVOCADO, WHICH ONE DO YOU THINK
COULD BE THE AVOCADO?"
>> Stephen: WOW.
THAT IS AN INCREDIBLE QUESTION.
FIRST OF ALL, CONGRATULATIONS ON
ASKING ME PERHAPS THE ONLY
QUESTION ABOUT "THE LORD OF THE
RINGS" THAT I'VE NEVER BEEN
ASKED BEFORE.
I HAVE TO GIVE THIS SOME
THOUGHT.
SAM.
SAM IS THE AVOCADO.
NEXT?
>> I'M CONFUSED.
WHICH LAMBORGHINI SHOULD I PICK
FOR MY SCHOOL PROJECT, A
CENTENARIO OR THE PERFORMANTE?"
>> Stephen: MAHESH, I GOTTA SAY,
I'M CONFUSED, TOO.
I MEAN, CENTANARIO OR
PERFORMANTE?
ARE THOSE REALLY THE ONLY TWO
CHOICES, MAHESH?
I MEAN, SURE, THE REAR-WHEEL
STEERING AND THE INCREASED
DOWN-FORCE MAKE THE CENTENARIO A
TECHNICAL MARVEL AND MOVING
TRIBUTE TO THE ANNIVERSARY OF
FERRUCCIO LAMBORGHINI'S BIRTH,
BUT EVERYONE KNOWS IT'S
ESSENTIALLY JUST A MODIFIED
AVENTADOR.
AND, YES, THE PERFORMANTE IS A
BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF ENGINEERING
FROM THE CARBON FIBRE FRONT
BUMPER TO THE FORGED COMPOSITE
REAR SPOILER.
BUT HAVE YOU EVEN CONSIDERED THE
CLASSIC COUNTACH LP-400?
I'M TALKING ABOUT THE INITIAL
MODEL WITH THE NARROW TIRES AND
LOW DRAG COEFFICIENT.
IT MAY NOT HAVE THE PERFORMANCE
CAPABILITY OF NEWER MODELS, BUT
THE ICONIC SCISSOR DOORS AND
THE STRIKING ALLOY BODY WORK
HELPED IT PIONEER THE ANGLED
ITALIAN WEDGE DESIGN THAT WOULD
GO ON TO BECOME A LAMBORGHINI
SIGNATURE.
BUT IT'S YOUR SCHOOL PROJECT.
DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
NEXT QUESTION.
>> WHY DO DINOSAURS STOMP ALL
DAY AND NIGHT?
>> Stephen: THAT'S AN IMPORTANT
QUESTION.
THANK YOU.
THERE'S A LOT TO UNPACK THERE.
THERE'S TWO REASONS THEY DO
THIS, REALLY.
DINOSAURS STOMP ALL DAY BECAUSE
THEY'RE STILL UPSET THAT COMET
WIPED OUT ALL OF THEIR FRIENDS.
AND DINOSAURS STOMP ALL NIGHT
BECAUSE THEIR DOWNSTAIRS
NEIGHBOR IRV IS PLAYING THE
MUSIC TOO LOUD, AND THEY HAVE TO
BE ON A ZOOM CALL FIRST THING IN
THE MORNING.
WE ALL LIKE STEELY DAN, IRV, BUT
TURN DOWN THE "AJA."
NEXT QUESTION.
>> MY QUESTION IS, CAN YOU CATCH
A CLOUD?
>> Stephen: THAT'S A DEEP
QUESTION, JAMES.
TRYING TO THROW YOUR ARMS AROUND
A CLOUD WOULD BE LIKE TRYING TO
CATCH A MOMENT IN TIME.
RATHER THAN CAUGHT, IT IS TO BE
OBSERVED LIKE ALL THE MOMENTS
THAT FLOAT ACROSS THE SKY OF OUR
LIVES.
WE CANNOT KEEP THEM, AND THAT
VERY FACT GIVES THEM A TRAGIC
BEAUTY.
WE ARE HERE BUT ONCE, SO SEEK
NOT TO HOLD WHAT CANNOT BE HELD,
JAMES, ONLY BE PRESENT TO
EXPERIENCE IT.
EITHER THAT OR ASK YOUR PARENTS
TO SPRING FOR STEPHEN COLBERT'S
CLOUD VACUUM, WHICH RETAILS ON
OUR WEBSITE FOR ONLY $349.99.
STEPHEN COLBERT'S CLOUD VACUUM:
WE PROMISE IT'S GONNA SUCK!
NEXT QUESTION.
>> HOW DOES SANTA GET THE
PRESENTS TO ALL OF THE KIDS IN
ONE DAY?
I'M LIKE...
>> Stephen: THAT IS A TOUGH ONE,
JULIA.
LUCKILY, I HAPPEN TO BE GOOD
FRIENDS WITH SANTA, AND MAYBE HE
CAN ANSWER THIS ONE HIMSELF.
SANTA?
>> HO, HO, HO, HO, HO!
HI, JULIA.
IT'S ME, SANTA.
HOW DO I DO IT?
I'LL TELL YA HOW I DO IT.
YOU DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, ALL
RIGHT?
YOU FILL OUT YOUR CHRISTMAS
LIST, AND COME CHRISTMAS
MORNING, YOU OPEN YOUR PRETTY
LITTLE EYES, AND THERE'LL BE
PRESENTS.
THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW.
I'LL GET IT DONE, PANDEMIC OR NO
PANDEMIC.
I'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 10,000
YEARS.
IT'S GONNA GET DONE.
ALL RIGHT?
SO I DON'T NEED THE "HUH?"
I DON'T NEED THAT EXPRESSION.
I DON'T NEED THAT FROM YOU.
SO, DON'T WORRY.
IT'LL GET DONE.
THANK YOU.
OH, THANKS FOR THE COOKIES.
>> Stephen: THANKS, SANTA.
AND THANK YOU, KIDS.
WELL, PARENTS, I HOPE THAT GAVE
YOU A LITTLE BREAK.
AND IF YOUR KIDS HAVE QUESTIONS
AT HOME, PLEASE POST A VIDEO TO
SOCIAL MEDIA USING THE HASHTAG
COLBERT-KID-QUESTIONS, AND WE
MIGHT JUST FEATURE IT IN OUR
NEXT INSTALLMENT OF "STEPHEN
TAKES YOUR KIDS."
LOOK ME IN THE EYES.
NO, LOOK.
SAY YOU'RE GOING TO CHANGE IT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
THAT-- YOU'RE LOOKING OVER HERE.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
JOINING ME TONIGHT IS AN ACTOR,
ACTIVIST, PRODUCER, AND THE VERY
FIRST RAPPER TO WIN AN EMMY,
GRAMMY, AND ACADEMY AWARD.
HIS LATEST ALBUM IS CALLED,
"A BEAUTIFUL REVOLUTION PART 1."
PLEASE WELCOME, COMMON.
HEY, GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> HEY, STEPHEN.
HOW ARE YOU?
>> Stephen: PEACE TO YOU, TOO.
I'LL TAKE IT.
NOW, LISTEN, AS I SAID IN YOUR
INTRO JUST NOW, YOU'RE AN
ACCOMPLISHED MAN.
YOU'VE RECEIVED NUMEROUS
ACCOLADES-- THE EMMY, THE
GRAMMY, THE OSCAAAR.
BUT YOU'VE JUST ACHIEVED
SOMETHING VERY FEW DO, A MUCH
SMALLER CLUB, AND THAT IS YOU
ARE INCLUDED IN "PEOPLE'S"
"SEXIEST MAN ALIVE" ISSUE, AND
YOU PROVED IT.
YU PUT YOUR-- YOU PUT YOUR
TORSO WHERE SOMEONE ELSE'S MOUTH
IS.
THERE YOU GO.
( LAUGHING )
WHAT DAMN PLACE DO YOU HAVE
HAVING ABS?
I'M OFFENDED.
PUT IT BACK UP, JIMMY.
LET'S NOT LET HIM OFF THE HOOK
HERE.
THAT'S NOT RIGHT!
>> LISTEN, HEY, I TAKE PRIDE IN
MYSELF, BUT I HAVE TO SAY I WAS
EXCITED WHEN THEY SAID, "WE'RE
GOING TO PUT YOU AS ONE OF
'PEOPLE'S' SEXIEST MAN."
I SAID, I'M GOING TO TAKE IT.
SOME OF MY TEAM DIDN'T BELIEVE I
HAD THE ABS LIKE THAT AND THEY
WERE PAINTED IN AND MAKEUP.
THAT'S REAL.
THAT'S THE TRUTH RIGHT THERE.
>> Stephen: NO PHOTOSHOP?
>> NO PHOTOSHOP, MAN.
IT'S BEEN FUNNY BECAUSE MY
DAUGHTER HATED THAT I GOT IT.
MY MOTHER FG LIKE, I SEE YOU GOT
A "PEOPLE'S SEXIEST MAN," ONE OF
THEM, AND EVERYBODY ELSE KIND OF
ENJOYED IT.
>> Stephen: I HAVE ONE
QUESTION BEFORE I MOVE ON.
THERE'S AN OLD-FASHIONED MUG AND
BRUSH FOR SHAVING.
YOU HAVE A FULL BEARD.
WHAT ARE WE SHAVING HERE?"
ALL SHAVED?
WHAT ARE WE SHAVING HERE.
OH, I FORGOT.
>> STEPHEN, LET ME TELL YOU,
THIS BALD HEAD NEEDS A CLEAN
SHAVE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S
MAINTENANCE?
>> THAT'S MAINTENANCE AND IT'S
AN EFFORT THREE- OR FOUR-DAY
THING.
>> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: THAT'S THE FIRST
LINE OF YOUR OBIT RIGHT THERE.
LAST TIME WE WERE TOGETHER, A
LITTLE OVER A YEAR-- MAYBE A
YEAR AND A HALF AGO, WE TALKED
ABOUT LOVE.
I'M A FAN OF IT.
AND SINCE THEN, YOU HAVE FOUND
LOVE.
YOU ARE DATING TIFFANY HADDISH
NOW.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL,
EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT CHOICE.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: NICELY DONE.
YOU KNOW THAT SHE-- DOES IT MAKE
YOU UNCOMFORTABLE THAT SHE HAS
PUBLICLY EXPRESSED THAT SHE'S
ATTRACTED TO ME SEVERAL TIMES.
IS THIS DIFFICULT FOR YOU RIGHT
NOW?
>> I THINK SHE WAS TRYING TO
MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD.
SHE'S A COMEDIAN.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHEN IT'S
REAL.
YOU KNOW WHEN IT'S REAL.
YOU KNOW WHEN A GIRL IS PUTTING
YOU ON.
DO I NEED TO TAKE MY SHIRT OFF
AND SHOW YOU MY ABS RIGHT NOW?
PLEASE SAY NO.
THAT WOULD NOT BE GOOD.
( LAWSHING )
>> IT'S BEEN GREAT WITH TIFFANY.
SHE'S A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING.
SHE'S A TRUE QUEEN AND SHE JUST
HAS A LOT OF LOVE IN HER HEART
AND I'M OPENING UP AND RECEIVING
AND TRYING TO GIVE AS MUCH LOVE
AS I HAVE IN MY HEART.
YEAH, THE LOVE IT'S LOVE THING--
I WANT TO LIVE IN IT.
I LIKE BEING A PART OF LOVE AND,
YOU KNOW, EXPRESSING THAT.
>> Stephen: NOW, SHE QUITE
FAMOUSLY HERSELF RECENTLY CUT
OFF HER HAIR RIGHT THERE.
IS THAT YOUR INFLUENCE?
>> I GUESS SHE WAS TRYING TO GET
AS CLOSE TO ME AS POSSIBLE WITH
THE BALDY WORK.
>> Stephen: DID YOU DO THAT?
DID YOU DO THIS WORK?
OR DID YOU HAVE SOMEBODY COME IN
AND DO THAT?
>> OKAY, SHE FIRST CUT HER
HAIR-- WE JUST LEFT DAVE
SHAPELLE'S SUMMER CAMP, AND SHE
WAS FEELING IT AND SHE ALWAYS
TALKED ABOUT SHE WANTED TO SEE
HER HEAD AND SHE JUST CUT IT.
IT WAS A TIME SHE DIDN'T HAVE A
BARBER AROUND AROUND AND SHE WAS
LIKE, "CAN YOU CUT MY HAIR?"
I CUT HER HAIR AND I THAT YOU
WANT I WAS DOING A GOOD JOB BUT
SHE HASN'T BEEN BACK SINCE.
>> Stephen: THAT MUST BE NERVE
RACKING TO CUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S
HAIR.
>> YOU WOULD THINK A BALD HEAD
IS EASY TO CUT AND I HAVE
RESPECT FOR ALL THE BARBERS OUT
THERE.
IT'S A REAL ART FORM.
I WAS LEAVING PATCHES AND TRYING
TO FIX IT UP, AND SHE WAS TRYING
TO COACH ME THROUGH IT.
LIKE I SAID, SHE HASN'T BEEN
BACK SINCE.
BUT SHE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL WITH HER
HAIR LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: SHE DOES.
IT'S A REALLY GOOD LOOK.
I GUESS THERE'S VERY LITTLE
MARGIN FOR WHEN YOU'RE WORKING
WITH THAT MATERIAL AT THAT
POINT.
>> YOU CAN LEAVE GASHES IN
PEOPLE'S HEAD.
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN GET PEOPLE'S
HEAD TO BLEED.
SO YOU ACTUALLY DO WANT TO BE
VERY CAREFUL.
AND YOU'RE DEALING WITH A RAZOR
AT A CERTAIN POINT.
I'M A FIRST-TIME BARBER SO IT
WASN'T THE BEST SITUATION, BUT I
DID IT WITH LOVE.
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND YOU
GUYS WERE FRIENDS FIRST BEFORE
YOU FILL IN LOVE USO SORT OF A
"HARRY MET SALLY" SITUATION.
WHAT DID YOU NOTICE ABOUT HER
THE FIRST TIME YOU MET?
>> THE FIRST TIME WE MET WAS AT
AN OSCAR PARTY I WAS HOSTING AND
SHE SAT AT A TABLE WITH ME AND
MY MOM AND MY STEPDAD, AND SHE
WAS REALLY-- SHE WAS A LOT MORE
CHILL THAN, YOU KNOW, THE
TIFFANY HADDISH THAT YOU SEE,
LIKE EVERYWHERE.
YOU KNOW HER ENERGY.
YOU'VE BEEN AROUND IT.
>> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY.
>> SHE WAS PRETTY QUIET, TAKING
THINGS IN.
SO I WAS REALLY SURPRISED.
I KNEW SHE LOOKED BEAUTIFUL.
AND I DIDN'T, YOU KNOW, ATTEMPT
TO DATE OR AT THAT TIME.
I WAS JUST GLAD TO BE HER
FRIEND.
BUT I REALIZED SHE'S NOT AS
CHILL AS SHE APPEARED THAT DAY
PUP KNOW, SHE'S-- SHE HAS A LOT
OF ENERGY.
>> Stephen: IS THIS THE OSCARS
WHERE YOU WON YOUR ACADEMY
AWARD?
>> NO, THIS WAS, LIKE, MAYBE A
YEAR-- TWO YEARS LATER.
RIGHT DURING THE YEAR AFTER HER
FILM "GIRL TRIPPING" CAME OUT.
WE INVITED DIFFERENT ARTISTS.
WE CELEBRATE SO MANY PEOPLE AT
THIS EVENT WE HAVE.
SHE CAME OUT.
IT WAS FUN.
AND THEN WE WORKED ON A FILM
FROM THERE TOGETHER AND WE STILL
WERE FRIENDS.
I ACTUALLY TRIED TO SHOOT MY
SHOT THEN, AND SHE WAS LIKE,
"NO."
SO WE JUST CONTINUED BEING
FRIENDS.
AND AT SOME POINT THINGS
SHIFTED.
>> Stephen: YOU TRIED TO SHOOT
YOUR SHOT AND YOU GOT SHOT DOWN?
>> YES, I GOT SHOT DOWN, BEING
HONEST.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE TELLING
ME-- YOU'RE TELLING ME THIS!
THIS GOT SHOT DOWN?
>> YEAH, SHE HAD EYES ON OTHER
PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: HE HAS HIGH
STANDARDS.
SHE HAS VERY HIGH STANDARDS.
AS AN ARTIST, YOU WEAR A LOT OF
HATS.
YOU'RE AN AUTHOR, YOU'RE AN
ACTOR, YOU'RE A PRODUCER, YOU'RE
A MUSICIAN.
YOU QUOTED NINA SIMONE SAYING AN
ARTIST'S DUTY, AS FAR AS I'M
CONCERNED, IS TO REFLECT THE
TIMES.
HOW TODAY DO YOU DEFINE AN
ARTIST'S DUTY?
>> I LOVE THAT NINA SIMONE
QUOTE.
AND I FEEL LIKE AN ARTIST'S DUTY
IS TO BE AS TRUTHFUL AS
POSSIBLE, USE THEIR IMAGINATION
AND USE YOUR CREATIVITY TO
INSPIRE AND TO UPLIFT OTHERS
FROM THE MOST HONEST AND
CREATIVE PLACE.
AND TO DO IT WITH A HEART AND
MIND OF BRINGING PEOPLE
TOGETHER.
THAT'S WHAT AN ARTIST'S DUTY IS.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK, BUT STICK AROUND.
WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'LL TALK
ABOUT COMMON'S NEW PODCAST AND
THE ONE QUESTION HE ALWAYS WANTS
TO ASK HIS GUESTS.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. WE'RE BACK WITH MUSICIAN,
AUTHOR, ACTOR, PRODUCER, AND
SEXIEST MAN WHO IS MY GUEST
RIGHT NOW, COMMON.
IN OCTOBER, YOU RELEASED A NEW
ALBUM RIGHT HERE.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: "A BEAUTIFUL
REVOLUTION PART 1".
THIS IS YOUR 13th ALBUM?
DO I HAVE THAT RIGHT?
>> YEAH, 13th.
THAT'S A GOOD NUMBER.
>> Stephen: HOW LONG DOES IT
TAKE YOU TO MAKE AN ALBUM?
>> THIS ALBUM, IT TOOK ME ABOUT
A MONTH AND A HALF BECAUSE I WAS
REALLY INSPIRED.
I WAS LOOKING AT ALL THE
SITUATIONS THAT WAS GOING ON
OVER THE SUMMER.
I DIDN'T-- I WASN'T THINKING
ABOUT MAKING AN ALBUM, AND IT
JUST CLICKED IN ONE DAY, LIKE,
IT JUST WAS ON MY HEART TO SAY
SOMETHING AND TO SAY SOMETHING
THAT WAS-- TO CREATE SOMETHING
THAT WOULD BE INSPIRING.
I ALWAYS THINK OF MOVEMENT MUSIC
AS SOMETHING THAT HAS AN URGENCY
TO IT, BUT IT GIVES YOU A CHARGE
TO BE BETTER.
IT CAN TAKE THE ANGER, IT CAN
TAKE THE PAIN AND CREATE
SOMETHING INSPIRING.
AND THAT'S WHAT I WANTED THE
MUSIC TO DO.
I STARTED IN MID-AUGUST.
I FINISHED THE ALBUM THE
BEGINNING OF OCTOBER AND IT CAME
OUT OCTOBER 30.
I WANTED IT RIGHT BEFORE THE
ELECTION.
I WAS ENCOURAGED BY ALL THAT WAS
GOING ON.
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU KNOW
WHEN AN ALBUM IS DONE?
LIKE, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
ESPECIALLY NOW IN THE DIGITAL
FORMAT, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY
ABOUT FITTING IT ON EITHER SIDE
OF A DISK, LIKE WHEN WE WERE
KIDS.
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN THAT'S IT?
>> WELL, I HAVE TO FEEL LIKE THE
ALBUM IS DONE WHEN I HAVE ENOUGH
SONGS THAT ARE-- I WANT ALL THE
SONGS TO FEEL LIKE THESE ARE
GREAT SONGS, BUT THEY ALSO SHOW
DIFFERENT ASPECTS OF WHAT THE
ALBUM IS, DIFFERENT COLORS, AS I
WOULD SAY.
MEANING, YOU KNOW, STEPHEN WE
FEEL DIFFERENT THINGS THROUGHOUT
THE DAY.
SOMETIMES YOU FEEL ANGER.
SOMETIMES YOU FEEL JOY.
SOMETIMES YOU'RE FOOLING LOVE.
I WANT THE ALBUM TO HAVE THOSE
TYPE OF ENERGY AND EMOTION AND
COLOR TO IT.
ONCE I HAVE THAT ROUNDNESS OF
WHAT I FEEL LIKE WHERE I AM AS A
HUMAN BEING AND THE SONGS SOUND
LIKE STELLAR, THEN I KNOW I'VE
GOT A GREAT ALBUM AND I DO MY
BEST TO PUT THAT TOGETHER.
MIND YOU, YOU KNOW, A FEW MONTHS
LATER, SOMETIMES YOU LISTEN AND
YOU WILL BE LIKE, OH, I SHOULD
HAVE DID THIS AND DID THAT."
BUT I'M REALLY GRATEFUL AND
HAPPY ABOUT THIS "REVOLUTION
PART 1".
>> Stephen: AS IF YOU WEREN'T
BUSY ENOUGH YOU HAVE ALSO
STARTED A PODCAST.
PUT THAT UP, JIMMY.
THE "MIND POWER MIXTAPE."
WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
BECAUSE THE PROMO PHOTO LOOKS
VERY, VERY RELAXED.
CAN YOU PUT THAT UP AGAIN,
JIMMY?
THERE YOU ARE JUST CHILLING ON
THE FLOOR WITH YOUR FRIENDS,
WITH SOME ELASTIC-ANKLED PANTS
VERY CLOSE TO SWEAT PANTS.
THIS IS A PODCAST FOR THE
CORONAVIRUS TIMES.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH THE
PODCAST GIMEAN, YOU COULD CHILL
WITH THOSE ELASTIC PANTS IF
YOU'RE ONE OF "PEOPLE'S"
"SEXIEST MAN."
YOU CAN DO THAT.
SERIOUSLY WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH
THE PODCAST --
>> Stephen: AT LEAST ELASTIC
PANTS COME OFF FAST.
THAT'S WHAT I KNOW.
>> I HAVE TO SAY I'M ONE OF
THOSE DUDZ JUST BEING
MEDITATION, YOGA.
WHAT I WANTED THIS PODCAST TO BE
ABOUT ON AUDIBLE WAS TO BE
SOMETHING WHERE I TALK TO SOME
OF THE GREATEST MINDS, LIKE--
THAT WE KNOW THAT ARE LIVING
TODAY, FROM BRYAN STEPHENSON TO
NAS, TIFFANY HADDISH.
AND I HAD THESE CONVERSATIONS
WITH HASSAN MINAJ, AND IT WAS
JUST LIKE I WANTED TO ASK THEM
THINGS THAT WOULD BRING OUT NEW
ASPECTS AND THINGS PEOPLE NEVER
HEARD, AND I WANTED TO GET INTO
THEIR PROCESS AND JUST FIND OUT
MORE ABOUT THEM, YOU KNOW.
IT WAS REALLY INTRIGUING.
I REALLY GAINED A NEW RESPECT
FOR WHAT YOU GUYS DO BECAUSE,
YOU KNOW, TO SIT THERE AND
INTERVIEW AND GO BACK AND FORTH
IS A TRUE CRAFT AND SKILL.
>> Stephen: WELL, DO YOU
HAVE-- DO YOU HAVE, LIKE,
QUESTIONS YOU GO BACK TO OVER
AND OVER AGAIN?
SOME PEOPLE ACTUALLY HAVE, LIKE,
A SET RUN OF QUESTIONS.
THEY WANT TO HIT EVERYBODY WITH
THE SAME THING TO GET A BASELINE
ON EVERYBODY.
DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE
QUESTIONS?
>> YEAH, ONE OF MY FAVORITE
QUESTIONS WAS, "WHAT'S THE FIRST
SONG THAT TOUCHED YOUR SOUL?"
LIKE, "WHAT IS THE FIRST SONG
THAT TOUCHED YOUR SOUL ??? WHAT
IS THE FIRST SONG THAT TOUCHED
YOUR SOUL, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: THE FIRST SONG I
REMEMBER IS PROBABLY MY MOM
SINGING, "YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE."
>> AAH.
I LOVE IT.
THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL ONE.
>> Stephen: HOW ABOUT YOU?
WHAT'S THE FIRST SONG THAT
TOUCHED YOUR SOUL-- YEAH, SHE
COULD SING.
>> THE FIRST SONG THAT TOUCHED
MY SOUL WAS A STEVIE WONDER
SONG.
IT PROBABLY WAS "ISN'T SHE
LOVELY."
I USED TO LOVE THAT SONG AS A
LITTLE KID.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> THAT'S PROBABLY ONE OF THE
SONGS THAT TOUCHED ME.
IT DID SOMETHING TO ME.
>> Stephen: SURE, SURE.
IF YOU'RE LISTEN AGO IF YOU'RE
LISTENING IT'S HARD NOT TO HAVE
HIM DO SOMETHING TO YOU.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: "A BEAUTIFUL
REVOLUTION PART 1" IS AVAILABLE
NOW.
AND YOU CAN LISTEN TO HIS
PODCAST "MIND POWER MIXTAPE"
ON AUDIBLE.
COMMON, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A
PERFORMANCE BY ANDREA BOCELLI.
THANKS FOR BEING HERE, MAN.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> I AM DETERMINED TO PROTECT OUR ELECTION SYSTEM, WHICH IS NOW UNDER COORDINATED ASSAULT
AND SIEGE.
>> ALL RIGHT, MR. PRESIDENT,
KEEP TRYING TO WIN!
YOU GOT THIS!
YOU KNOW, WHEN I LOST MY HEAD, I
LOT OF PEOPLE SAID, "HEY, STEVE,
IT'S OVER, YOU DON'T HAVE A
HEAD."
AND HERE I AM!
OKAY, I'M FEELING A LITTLE
WOOZY, SO I'M GOING TO REST MY
NUB, BUT YOU'RE GOING TO BE
PRESIDENT FOREVER AND I'M GOING
TO LIVE FOREVER.
EXCUSE ME.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK. HIS HOLIDAY CONCERT "BELIEVE IN CHRISTMAS" WILL BE LIVESTREAMED
ON DECEMBER 12 FROM THE TEATRO
REGIO DI PARMA IN HIS HOMELAND,
ITALY.
PERFORMING "SILENT NIGHT,"
ANDREA BOCELLI.
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ SILENT NIGHT HOLY NIGHT ♪ ALL IS CALM
ALL IS BRIGHT
♪ ROUND YON VIRGIN
MOTHER AND CHILD
♪ HOLY INFANT, SO
TENDER AND MILD
♪ SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE
SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: ANDREA BOCELLI, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "A LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY. OUR THANKS TO WILL FERRELL.
AND SANTA.
JOIN US NEXT WEEK WHEN I'LL BE
JOINED BY MERYL STREEP, RACHEL
MADDOW, AND JAMES CORDEN.
GOOD NIGHT.
Captioning sponsored by CBS
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
>> I'M GOING TO TELL YOU THAT THIS IS NOT MY HOUSE. I'M AT THE STUDIO.
I DO NOT HAVE THIS ON TV.
AND I --
>> Stephen: IT'S AN ANTIQUE.
IT'S AN ANTIQUE.
>> YEAH.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪