>> SENATOR, THERE ARE A NUMBER OF YOUR REPUBLICAN COLLEAGUES IN
THE SENATE WHO STILL HAVE NOT ACKNOWLEDGED, EVEN AFTER
YESTERDAY, THAT JOE BIDEN IS THE PRESIDENT-ELECT.
I MEAN, FOR GOD'S SAKE, PUTIN EVEN DID SO OVERNIGHT.
>> HAS THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE SUBMITTED THEIR VOTES AND NOW
YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO ACKNOWLEDGE PRESIDENT-ELECT JOE
BIDEN BUT ARE STILL AFRAID TO DO SO?
WELL, HOW ABOUT AN EDIBLE ARRANGEMENT.
FRUIT IS THE PERFECT WAY FOR A COWARD TO SAY "CONGRATS,"
BECAUSE AFTER IT'S CONSUMED, THERE'S NO EVIDENCE.
CHOOSE FROM SOME SUCH FAINT-HEARTED ARRANGEMENTS AS
THE "GUTLESS GUAVA," "TIME TO MANGO UP AND ADMIT IT," AND THE
"GROW A PAIR."
AND NO NEED TO WORRY ABOUT PRESIDENT TRUMP FINDING OUT,
BECAUSE HE HAS NO INTEREST IN FRUIT.
SO LET FRUIT SAY THE THING YOU DON'T WANT TO, BECAUSE "ORANGE"
YOU GLAD YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO.
SAY IT?
EDIBLE ARRANGEMENTS: FOR WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO ADMIT YOUR
CANDIDATE WAS BEATEN TO A PULP.
>> >> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: END OF THE LINE.
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES ANDERSON COOPER
AND ANDY COHEN AND WHOOPI GOLDBER
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HOMIN'.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE
BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: HELLO, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I AM YOU HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
THIS IS OUR LAST WEEK BEFORE THE HOLIDAY BREAK, AND WE HAVE A
HUGE SLATE OF SHOWS PLANNED FOR YOU.
TONIGHT, I'M TALKING TO ANDY COHEN AND ANDERSON COOPER.
ANDY N' ANDERS THEMSELVES.
PLUS WHOOPI GOLDBERG!
IT'S A PRE-NEW YEAR'S BLOWOUT.
I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW HOW IT COULD GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS.
I MEAN, YOU'D HAVE TO GET, LIKE, TOM HANKS-- WHAT?
HANKS?
HERE?
TOMORROW?
WOW!
AND I ALREADY KNEW THAT?
THIS IS SOME PRETTY GOOD ACTING.
ANYWAY, THAT'S SOME STAR POWER.
WHERE DO WE GO FROM THERE?
I MEAN, I'LL JUST GO CRAZY HERE-- WHAT IF WE ENDED THE WEEK
WITH, LIKE, GEORGE CLOONEY?
WHAT!
HOLY TEQUILA COMPANY!
FRIDAY IS CLOON-DAY?
THIS IS QUITE A SLATE OF SPECTACULAR, HIGHLY-PROMOTABLE
CELEBRITY GUESTS.
BUT, AS FUN AS ALL THAT IS GOING TO BE-- AND IT'S GOING TO BE SO
MUCH FUN-- IT'S A SHAME I DON'T GET TO TALK TO PRESIDENT-ELECT
JOE BIDEN AND FUTURE FIRST LADY DR. JILL BIDEN FOR THEIR FIRST
JOINT POST-ELECTION INTERVIEW.
GREAT SUFFERING SCRANTON!
THEY'RE GOING TO BE HERE THURSDAY?
UNBELIEVABLE.
WOW.
2020 IS JUST THE BEST!
WHAT'S THAT?
OH, IT WAS THE WORST?
OKAY, LET'S MOVE ON.
ONE THING I'M SURE TO TALK ABOUT WITH THE PRESIDENT-ELECT IS HIS
COOL NEW JOB!
LAST NIGHT, AFTER THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE FORMALLY CHOSE HIM, THE
PRESIDENT-ELECT DELIVERED A PRIMETIME SPEECH, IN WHICH HE
CALLED OUT THE REPUBLICANS WHO SIGNED ON TO THE TEXAS CASE
ATTEMPTING TO THROW OUT THE ELECTION RESULTS.
>> THIS LEGAL MANEUVER WAS AN EFFORT BY ELECTED OFFICIALS AND
ONE GROUP OF STATES TO TRY TO GET THE SUPREME COURT TO WIPE
OUT THE VOTES OF MORE THAN 20 MILLION AMERICANS IN OTHER
STATES.
IT'S A POSITION SO EXTREME, WE'VE NEVER SEEN IT BEFORE.
>> Stephen: YEAH, IT WAS AN EXTREME POSITION, BUT THE G.O.P.
IS TRYING ALL KINDS OF FREAKY, NEW ANTIDEMOCRATIC POSITIONS
LATELY.
THEY'RE ALL DETAILED IN "THE McCONNELL-SUTRA."
SPEAK, OF THIS-- FULLY ILLUSTRATED.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, WITH YESTERDAY'S ELECTORAL COLLEGE
RESULT, SOME REPUBLICANS HAVE BEEN FORCED TO FACE THEIR
BIGGEST FEAR: REALITY.
LIKE SENATE MAJORITY LEADER AND PALPATINE-AMERICAN, MITCH
McCONNELL.
TODAY, McCONNELL TOOK TO THE SENATE FLOOR AND BRAVELY FACED A
FACT.
>> THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE HAS SPOKEN, SO TODAY I WANT TO
CONGRATULATE PRESIDENT-ELECT JOE BIDEN.
>> Stephen: THE PRESIDENT-ELECT WAS SURPRISINGLY
GRATEFUL FOR McCONNELL'S GRUDGING COMPLIMENT.
>> I HAD A GREAT CONVERSATION WITH MITCH McCONNELL TODAY.
I CALLED TO THANK HIM FOR THE CONGRATULATIONS.
>> MR. LEADER, I CALLED TO CONGRATULATE YOU FOR
CONGRATULATING ME.
LET'S GET TO WORK.
HOW ABOUT THOSE CABINET APPOINTMENTS?
HELLO?
MITCH?
JACK?" GET ME KLONDIKE 357.
IT'S NOT JUST McCONNELL.
OTHER REPUBLICANS ARE COMING AROUND, INCLUDING TEXAS SENATOR
AND MAN WHO WANTS YOU TO ASK YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT XELJANZ, JOHN
CORNYN.
CORNYN SAYS REPUBLICANS NEED TO RECOGNIZE THAT BIDEN WON,
ARGUING, "THERE COMES A TIME WHEN YOU HAVE TO REALIZE THAT
DESPITE YOUR BEST EFFORTS, YOU'VE BEEN UNSUCCESSFUL."
YES, IT'S LIKE WE TELL KIDS WHEN THEY PLAY SPORTS, IT IS
IMPORTANT TO REALIZE WHEN YOU'VE LOST, AND THEN SIX WEEKS LATER,
DRIVE BACK TO THE FIELD SO YOU CAN SHAKE THE OTHER TEAM'S HANDS
AND SAY, "GOOD GAME, YOU CHEATER."
ANOTHER REPUBLICAN WHO HAS FOUND THE COURAGE TO ACCEPT THE WILL
OF THE VOTERS IS SENATE MAJORITY WHIP AND MAN WONDERING IF HE
SHOULD THROW A PIECE OF PLYWOOD OVER THE SHALLOW GRAVE, JOHN
THUNE.
THUNE SAID THAT WHILE THE G.O.P.
MAY BE DISAPPOINTED WITH THE RESULT, "AT SOME POINT, YOU HAVE
TO FACE THE MUSIC."
YES, THAT MUSIC IS A LITTLE DITTY CALLED "HAIL TO THE
CHIEF," AND FOR THE NEXT FOUR YEARS, YOU'RE GOING TO HEAR IT
EVERY TIME YOU STAND UP WHEN JOE BIDEN WALKS INTO THE ROOM.
BUT SOME IN THE G.O.P. ARE STILL STRUGGLING TO MINCE WORDS IN A
WAY THAT WILL APPEASE HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED.
JUST ASK WYOMING SENATOR AND MAN INTERRUPTING A WOMAN TO SAY THE
SAME THING SHE'S SAYING, JOHN BARRASSO.
WHEN ASKED WHETHER BIDEN IS PRESIDENT-ELECT, BARRASSO SAID
THAT WAS A "GOTCHA QUESTION."
YEAH, CLASSIC GOTCHA QUESTION, LIKE "WHO'S THE PRESIDENT?"
AND "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" AND "WHAT YEAR IS IT?"
AND IF YOU DON'T GIVE THE ANSWERS THEY LIKE, ALL OF A
SUDDEN, THEY GOTCHA IN FIVE- POINT RESTRAINTS FOR YOUR OWN
SAFETY.
BUT THE AWARD FOR DUMBEST REPLY HAS TO GO TO NORTH DAKOTA
SENATOR AND MAN CAUGHT LOOKING AT PORN ON HIS iPAD, KEVIN
CRAMER.
CRAMER RESPONDED TO THE VERY STRAIGHTFORWARD QUESTION OF
WHETHER BIDEN HAD WON WITH THIS... ANSWER?
"WELL, IT SEEMS TO ME THAT BEING ELECTED BY THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE
IS A THRESHOLD WHERE A TITLE LIKE THAT IS PROBABLY MOST
APPROPRIATE.
AND IT'S-- I SUPPOSE YOU CAN SAY "OFFICIAL," IF THERE IS SUCH A
THING AS OFFICIAL PRESIDENT-ELECT, OR ANYTHING
ELSE-ELECT.
AND THERE'S AN INAUGURATION THAT WILL SWEAR SOMEBODY IN, AND THAT
PERSON WILL BE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
BUT WHETHER YOU CAN CALL IT THAT OR NOT, YOU KNOW, THERE ARE
LEGAL CHALLENGES THAT ARE ONGOING-- NOT VERY MANY--
PROBABLY NOT A REMEDY THAT WOULD CHANGE THE OUTCOME BUT, SO, I
DON'T-- AGAIN, I DON'T KNOW HOW A POLITICIAN REFERS TO ANOTHER
POLITICIAN.
I'M SORRY, WHAT?
I'D HATE TO BE OFFICE MATES WITH KEVIN CRAMER.
"HEY, KEV, DID YOU BY ANY CHANCE EAT MY YOGURT FROM THE FRIDGE?"
"WELL IT SEEMS TO ME THAT WRITING YOUR NAME ON A SNACK IS
A THRESHOLD WHERE IT MIGHT BE APPROPRIATE TO SAY IT WAS YOURS
GIVEN THAT YOU-- I SUPPOSE YOU COLD SAY LABELED-- IF THERE
IS SUCH A THING AS OFFICIALLY CLAIMING YOGURT OR ANY DAIRY
PRODUCT THAT, OF COURSE, THE ORIGINAL COW HAS SOME INTEREST
IN.
AND PERHAPS THERE IS A COMMUNAL COOLING BOX, WHICH WE REFER TO
AS THE "FRIDGE"-- WHETHER YOU CALL IT A FRIDGE OR NOT-- THE
COOLING AGENT ITSELF IS FREON.
ALTHOUGH, THERE ARE OTHERS THAT CAN BE USED-- NOT VERY
MANY-- PROBABLY NONE THAT WOULD BRING THE YOGURT BACK AFTER IT'S
BEEN CONSUMED.
SO, I DON'T-- AGAIN, I DON'T KNOW HOW A MAN ACKNOWLEDGES
ANOTHER MAN'S CHOBANI."
WHILE G.O.P. LEADERSHIP HAS HAD A HARD TIME ADMITTING THEIR
DEFEAT IN THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, THEY'RE GETTING MORE
STRAIGHT TALK FROM THEIR "BOSS' BOSS," BECAUSE THIS MORNING,
RUSSIAN PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN CONGRATULATED BIDEN ON WINNING
THE U.S. ELECTION.
NOT A GREAT LOOK FOR SENATE REPUBLICANS WHEN THE GUY WHO
INTERFERED IN OUR ELECTION IS LIKE:
(AS PUTIN) "COME ON, HE WON.
AT A CERTAIN POINT, YOU GUYS ARE POISONING DEMOCRACY, AND NOT IN
THE RIGHT WAY-- WITH POISON."
BUT IT LOOKS LIKE OUR CURRENT PRESIDENT WILL NEVER CONCEDE.
REPORTEDLY, THE CLOSEST HE COMES TO IS SAYING, "IF WE DON'T
WIN, I DON'T SAY LOSE.
I SAY 'I DON'T WIN.'" HOLY STUPID.
NOW, I DON'T SAY HE'S PATHETIC, BUT I SAY HE DON'T DIGNIFIED.
THE PRESIDENT IS BLAMING EVERYONE BUT HIMSELF FOR HIS
"NOT WIN," INCLUDING HIS OLD PALS AT FOX NEWS.
ACCORDING TO A SOURCE CLOSE TO THE PRESIDENT, HE VOWED TO MAKE
FOX NEWS "PAY" FOR ACCURATELY CALLING THE RACE.
YES, HOW DARE FOX REPORT NEWS!
THEIR JOB IS TO SPREAD G.O.P.
PROPAGANDA, SELL LUBRICATED CATHETERS, AND EMPLOY THE
MEANEST MEMBER FROM EVERY SORORITY.
SPEAKING OF DIVORCED FROM REALITY, YESTERDAY, AS PART OF A
PLOT TO PRETEND THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING, A
GROUP OF YAHOOS CALLING THEMSELVES ELECTORS SHOWED UP AT
THE MICHIGAN STATE CAPITOL AND TRIED TO CAST THEIR VOTES FOR
THE GUY WHO LOST THEIR STATE.
AND IT WENT ABOUT AS WELL AS YOU WOULD HOPE:
>> THE CAPITOL IS CLOSED, UNLESS YOU HAVE AN OFFICE HERE TO
CONDUCT BUSINESS TODAY, OR IF YOU ARE TAKING PART IN THE
ELECTORAL COLLEGE PROCESS.
ANYBODY ELSE IS NOT PERMITTED TO COME IN THE CAPITOL.
>> SO, ELECTORS.
>> WE'RE ELECTORS.
>> WE'RE HERE TO TAKE PART IN THE ELECTORAL PROCESS.
>> THE ELECTORS ARE ALREADY HERE.
THEY'VE BEEN CHECKED IN.
>> WELL, NOT ALL OF THE ELECTORS.
>> NOT ALL OF THE ELECTORS ARE INSIDE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S AWKWARD.
>> Stephen: AWKWARD.
THAT'S LIKE A GUY SHOWING UP AT SOMEONE'S WEDDING AND TELLING
THE USHER, "HI, I'M HERE TO MARRY CAITLIN.
I UNDERSTAND SHE'S EXCHANGING VOWS WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
NOT ALL THE GROOMS ARE INSIDE.
I'M HER REPUBLICAN HUSBAND!" THE COVID VACCINE, IN CASE YOU
HAVEN'T HEARD, IS HERE AND PEOPLEGETTING IT.
AND THIS IS AN ABSOLUTE TRIUMPH OF SCIENCE.
BUT THE PHARMA INDUSTRY STILL HAS OCCASIONAL OOPSIES.
FOR INSTANCE, ONE PHARMA COMPANY, AVKARE-- AND I TRUST
I'M MISPRONOUNCING THAT-- RECENTLY ISSUED A RECALL AFTER
THEY ACCIDENTALLY PACKAGED ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION
DRUGS WITH ANTI-DEPRESSANTS.
SO, THERE'S THE ANSWER IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHY YOUR PENIS HAS
STARTED PAINTING AGAIN AND IS UP FOR THE PICNIC.
THE TWO DRUGS IN QUESTION ARE TRAZODONE, WHICH IS USED TO
TREAT MAJOR DEPRESSIVE DISORDERS; AND SILDENAFIL, THE
ACTIVE INGREDIENT IN VIAGRA.
WEIRD.
THAT'S WEIRD, I ALWAYS THOUGHT THE ACTIVE INGREDIENT IN VIAGRA
WAS ACOUSTIC GUITAR JAM WITH THE BOYS.
WHILE THESE PILLS WERE RECALLED, ANOTHER PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY
SEES THIS MIX-UP AS AN OPPORTUNITY, AND THEY'VE
RELEASED THIS HELPFUL NEW AD.
>> WHEN I STARTED SUFFERING FROM SEASONAL DEPRIGZ PREGZ, I ASKED
MY DOCTOR ABOUT TRAZODONE.
HE SAID I COULD PRESCRIBE YOU TRAZODONE OR TAKE YOU ON THE
RIDE OF YOUR LIFE.
HE GET ME TURNINGILAC.
IT RELIEVES DEPRESSION OR ERECTILE DEPRESSION.
ALL THE PILLS LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.
WHAT?
AFRAID TO ROLL THE BONE.
SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED TURNINGILAX, MY LIFE HAS, I
WOULDN'T SAY IMPROVED BUT MORE EXCITING.
I TOOK A PILL ABOUT 20 MINUTES BEFORE SHOOTING THIS AND-- IT'S
GOING TO BE A BAD DAY FROM THE WAIST UP.
HONEY, GET IN HERE!
IT'S TIME!
>> TURNINGILAX.
IF YOUR ERECTION OR SADNESS LASTS LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS,
HEY, TAKE MORE TURNINGILAX.
TURNINGILAX, BECAUSE LIFE IS HARD AND SO IS YOUR PENIS.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE ANDERSON COOPER AND ANDY COHEN, PLUS WHOOPI
GOLDBERG.
BUT FIRST, "MEANWHILE."
JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.
HELLO, JON!
HEY, JON, TELL ME ABOUT "PLAY ON LIVE" TONIGHT.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU WERE ON THE CBS TONIGHT WITH "THE PLAY ON
LIVE."
TELL ME ABOUT THAT.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT, WITH MY FRIEND EMILY KING AND SARAH
BERRALIS.
WE DID A SONG WITH MANY GREAT ARTISTS AND IT BENEFITTED THE
N.A.A.C.P. LEGAL DEFENSE FUND, AND AN ORGANIZATION I HAVE BEEN
INVOLVED WITH AND A FRIEND OF FOR MAN YEARS, THE LAST FIVE,
SIX YEARS.
WE PLAYED A CURTIS MAYFIELD SONG WITH THE IMPRESSIONS.
BEFORE IT WAS JUST CURTIS.
♪ PEOPLE GET READY THERE'S A TRAIN A-COMING ♪
WE DID THAT AND IT WAS KILLING.
STEVE ON THE DRUMS.
IT WAS GREAT.
I WAS SO HAPPY WITH IT.
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY, THANK YOU, JON.
FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME PICKING THE TIMELIEST
STORY APPLES, GRINDING THEM INTO THE PERFECT TOPICAL EXTRACT AND
MIXING IT WITH CINNAMON, MAPLE SYRUP, ALLSPICE AND OTHER
SEASONALLY-APT AROMATICS TO BREW THE GOURMET ARTISANAL HOT APPLE
CIDER MUG THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I DUMP SOME APPLE SHASTA AND GRAIN
ALCOHOL INTO A ONE-GALLON ZIPLOC BAG, ADD SOME CRUSHED UP FRUIT
BITS I PICKED OUT OF OLD FIG NEWTONS, AND THE RIND OF A
JACK-O'-LANTERN LEFT OUTSIDE SINCE HALLOWEEN, TOSS IN SOME
YEAST, AND FERMENT IT UNDER MY MATTRESS, THEN STRAIN IT THROUGH
A SOCK TO CREATE THE CONTRABAND TOILET-HOOCH OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, ACCORDING TO A
NEW STUDY, YOUR DOG DOESN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT.
YOU CAN SEE ALL THE DETAILS IN THE PRESTIGIOUS "NEW ENGLAND
JOURNAL OF THAT'S WHAT WE ASSUMED."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, A PHYSICIST DISCOVERED A NEW WAY TO MAKE
CHEAP N-95 MASKS BY USING A COTTON CANDY MACHINE.
THAT IS AWESOME.
BUT HOT TIP: DON'T EAT YOUR MASK AND THEN IMMEDIATELY GO ON THE
TILT-A-WHIRL, OR ELSE YOU KNOW THAT THING'S COMING RIGHT BACK
UP.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, FOLLOWING A REPORT FROM THE FRENCH MILITARY
ETHICS COMMITTEE, THE FRENCH ARMY GOT AN ETHICAL GO-AHEAD TO
CREATE BIONIC SOLDIERS AND NOW HAVE PERMISSION TO DEVELOP
"AUGMENTED SOLDIERS," BUT HAS FORBIDDEN ANY MODIFICATION THAT
WOULD AFFECT A SOLDIER'S SENSE OF "HUMANITY."
ALWAYS COMFORTING TO SEE "HUMANITY" IN QUOTES.
NOTHING TO "WORRY" ABOUT, WE'VE REALLY "THOUGHT" THIS THROUGH,
SO FEEL FREE TO LET DOWN YOUR "DEFENSES."
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.
FURTHER EXAMPLES OF BANNED MODIFICATIONS INCLUDE COGNITIVE
IMPLANTS THAT WOULD AFFECT THE EXERCISE OF A SOLDIER'S FREE
WILL.
SO, EVERYBODY OUT THERE WORRIED THEY ARE GOING TO BUILD A
TERMINATOR, CALM DOWN.
IT'S GOING TO BE "LE TERMINATEUR!"
NOW, WE HERE AT "MEANWHILE CONSOLIDATED PETROLEUM AND HUMOR
PRODUCTS" SOMETIMES COME ACROSS SO MANY PENIS-RELATED STORIES,
WE HAVE TO CORRAL THEM IN OUR GROIN-FOCUSED "QUARANTINE-WHILE"
SUB SEGMENT: "PEEN-WHILE."
PEEN-WHILE, NEW FOOTAGE FROM CENTRAL CHINA SHOWS ANOTHER
REASON THEY HAVE BECOME OUR MOST FORMIDABLE ENEMY.
>> WANG LIUTAI IS NO ORDINARY KUNG FU MASTER.
THE 65-YEAR-OLD PRACTICES A UNIUE AND EXCRUCIATING-LOOKING
TYPE OF MARTIAL ARTS KNOWN AS "IRON CROTCH KUNG FU."
ITS MOST FAMOUS TECHNIQUE INVOLVES SWINGING A
STEEL-PLATE-CAPPED, TWO-METER- LONG LOG THROUGH THE AIR TO
SMASH INTO A MAN'S CROTCH.
>> Stephen: PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO'S EVER SAID, "I LOVE MARTIAL
ARTS, BUT THERE JUST AREN'T ENOUGH NUT SHOTS.
SOMETIMES I LEAVE A SPARRING LESSION, AND MY GROIN ISN'T
BLACK AND BLUE.
IT'S LIKE, WHAT AM I DOING THIS FOR?"
ALSO, THAT'S A LOT OF EFFORT JUST TO GET HIT IN THE NUTS.
BUDDY'S GOT A BEAM TRESTLE, CHAIN RIGGING, FORESTRY... I
KNOW FOR A FACT THAT, WHETHER YOU ASKED FOR IT OR NOT, YOU CAN
GET THE SAME EFFECT FROM A 10-YEAR-OLD WITH A NERF GUN.
PROPONENTS OF IRON CROTCH KUNG FU INSIST THAT NOTHING
BEATS A GOOD TREE TO THE GROIN.
AS ONE PUT IT, "WHEN YOU PRACTICE IRON CROTCH KUNG FU, AS
LONG AS YOU PUSH YOURSELF, YOU WILL FEEL GREAT."
YOU'VE GOT TO PUSH YOURSELF.
WHICH RAISES A QUESTION: WHO SUSPENDS A LOG FROM A CHAIN,
POSITIONS HIMSELF INSIDE THE LOG'S PROJECTED PARABOLA, AND
THEN DECIDES TO PHONE IT IN?
STILL, THIS IS THE PERFECT TIME OF YEAR TO TAKE UP CROTCH-FU,
BECAUSE YOU'LL FINALLY HAVE A USE FOR YOUR TREE BEYOND
CHRISTMAS.
RIGHT IN THE JINGLE BELLS!
PEEN-WHILE, A RUSSIAN AIRLINE OFFICIAL WAS FIRED FOR CREATING
A PENIS-SHAPED FLIGHT DETOUR.
FUN FACT: "PENIS-SHAPED FLIGHT DETOUR" WAS THE NAME OF MY
JEFFERSON AIRPLANE COVER BAND.
AND I WOULD HATE TO BE ON THAT PLANE:
"UHH, THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING.
NORMALLY WE'D BE STARTING OUR DESCENT, BUT I'M GONNA TAKE A
BEAT TO DRAW A GIANT SKY DONG.
IT WILL DELAY US SIGNIFICANTLY, BUT IT WILL BE HILARIOUS--
I REPEAT, HILARIOUS."
ANYWAY, HOW ANATOMICALLY ACCURATE CAN A PENIS DRAWN USING
A FLIGHT PATH BE-- WOW.
ALSO, GIVEN THE TEMPERATURE AT 30,000 FEET, VERY IMPRESSIVE.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IT'S OFFICIAL: HARRISON FORD WILL RETURN IN A
FIFTH "INDIANA JONES" MOVIE.
DESPITE BEING 78-YEARS-OLD, SO, IN THE SUMMER OF 2022, LOOK
FORWARD TO "INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF SOUP," FOLLOWED UP
BY "INDIANA JONES AND THE LOST ARK, BUT IT WAS ON TOP OF HIS
HEAD THE WHOLE TIME."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ANDERSON COOPER AND ANDY COHEN.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK.
JOINING ME NOW ARE TWO OF TV'S FINEST.
YOU KNOW THEM FROM "ANDERSON COOPER 360" AND "WATCH WHAT
HAPPENS LIVE."
THIS YEAR, THEY'RE RETURNING AS CO-HOSTS OF CNN'S LIVE NEW
YEAR'S EVE COVERAGE.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW," ANDERSON COOPER AND ANDY
COHEN!
GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
>> HEY, STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: NOW, OBVIOUSLY, WE'VE GOT TO TALK ABOUT THIS NEW
YEAR'S EVE SPECIAL, HOW YOU POSSIBLY USHER IN A NEW YEAR AND
SAY GOOD-BYE TO A YEAR LIKE THIS.
BUT BEFORE WE DO, THERE'S OBVIOUSLY BIG NEWS RIGHT NOW-- A
SHIFT IN OUR COUNTRY'S LEADERSHIP.
BECAUSE LAST YEAR, LAST YEAR, ANDY -- THERE YOU GO-- YOUR SON,
BENJAMIN, WON "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE'S "CUTEST BABY ALIVE,"
OKAY.
NO CONTROVERSY THERE, OBVIOUSLY.
FAN FAVORITE.
BUT THIS YEAR... WYATT COOPER TAKES THE TOP PRIZE.
NOW, WHAT I EED TO KNOW, NOT ONLY FOR MYSELF BUT FOR THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE, IS THAT WILL THERE BE A PEACEFUL TRANSITION
OF POWER?
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE WERE OFFERED TO-- BEN, OF COURSE, IS THE CUTEST BABY
ALIVE.
WE GOT THE OFFER FROM "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE, AND I THOUGHT IT WOULD
BE VERY SELFISH, ESPECIALLY IN A YEAR OF TURMOIL FOR US, TO TAKE
THAT AWARD.
SO WE SAID, LET'S GIVE IT TO WYATT COOPER THIS YEAR.
BECAUSE HASN'T ANDERSON BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH, QUITE FRANKLY?
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> YOU GAVE A HARD PASS TO BEING THE CUTEST BABY ALIVE FOR TWO
YEARS IN A ROW?
>> HE GAVE A CHARITABLE PASS.
>> Stephen: WOW, WOW.
>> Stephen: F.D.R. DID.
>> F.D.R. DID.
>> HE WAS CUTEST FOUR YEARS IN A ROW.
>> I'VE BEEN TRYING TO CONVINCE ANDY THAT I-- WYATT-- ACTUALLY,
WYATT HELD A MEETING WITH ME THE OTHER DAY, AND HE WANTS TO START
A TIKTOK HOUSE, BUT JUST FOR BABIES.
AND, YOU KNOW, LIKE L.A. HAS THE SWAY HOUSE.
HE'S TALKING ABOUT-- HE WAS CALLING IT THE POO HOUSE --
>> Stephen: WYATT AND BENJAMIN, THAT'S IT?
>> NO, NO.
THERE WOULD BE OTHERS.
BEVERAGE MIN IS ALMOST AT THE AGE THOUGH-- HE'S GETTING A
LITTLE OLD.
>> Stephen: SURE.
HE COULD HAVE A LITTLE WORK.
A LITTLE TUCK, LIP INJECTION-- >> SO WYATT IS JUST, YOU KNOW,
HE RUNS A TIGHT SHIP.
>> Stephen: LET'S-- HERE'S-- HERE'S HAPPY DAD AND SON RIGHT
THERE.
LOOK AT THAT.
>> OH!
>> Stephen: LOVE THE MATCHING OUTFITS.
YOU GUYS CAN HIDE IN A FLORAL SHOP WITH THOSE.
NO ONE WILL EVER FIND YOU, AMONG THE GARLANDS AT CHRISTMASTIME.
NO ONE CAN FIND YOU NEAR THE BANISTERS.
HERE YOU GO.
THERE'S ANDERSON AND WYATT RIGHT THERE, NOT TO BE OUT-CUTED.
AND AGAIN, I WANT TO WARN OUR VIEWERS AT HOME HOW CUTE THIS
IS.
>> AROUND ALMOST LOOKS LIKE A HUMAN BEING, DOESN'T HE?
>> Stephen: COMPARED TO A CHILD THAT HAS SEEN NO SUNLIGHT,
HE APPEARS TO HAVE FLESH TONE.
>> IT'S TRUE.
>> Stephen: NOW, WAIT A SEC, DO THE KIDS GET ALONG?
IF THEY'RE GOING TO START THEIR OWN HOUSE, THEIR OWN TIKTOK
HOUSE, DO THEY HAVE PLAYMATES?
ARE THEY ACTUALLY BUDDY.
>> WE'RE NOW KILLING TIME BETWEEN NAPS, LIKE MANY OTHER
PARENTS.
I GO OVER TO OORPD'S HOUSE EVERY WEEKEND, AND WE HANG OUT.
AND THE BOYS HAVE JUST KIND OF GOTTEN TO THE POINT WHERE
THEY'RE ACKNOWLEDGING EACH OTHER.
BEN HUGS WYATT AND GIVES HIM A LITTLE KISS.
WYATT REACHED FOR HIM THE OTHER DAY.
>> IT WAS A BIG MOMENT.
>> Stephen: IT IS.
ACKNOWLEDGING EACH OTHER, THAT'S AN EXAMPLE FOR THE REST OF THE
AMERICANS OUT THERE.
WE SHOULD ACKNOWLEDGE EACH OTHER.
>> ISN'T IT?
>> Stephen: IT IS.
>> WE NEED TO LISTEN TO THE CHILDREN.
>> Stephen: I FEEL LIKE YOU DON'T MEAN IT, ACTUALLY.
>> WELL, I DIDN'T, BUT I DID.
>> BENJAMIN HAS YET TO ACCEPT HIS LOSS WHICH, YOU KNOW, RINGS
FAMILIAR.
>> Stephen: IT'S GOING TO GO ALL THE WAY TO THE SUPREME
COURT.
>> YOU KNOW, BEN IS HANDING DOWN A LOT OF HIS CLOTHES TO
ANDERSON-- I MEAN TO WYATT.
WYATT HAS A WHOLE STACK OF BEN-ME-DOWNS, WE CALL THEM.
AND I LIKED-- WHEN ANDERSON SENDS ME A PICTURE OF BEN-- I
MEAN, OF WYATT IN BEN'S OLD CLOTHES, I LIKE TO PUT THEM SIDE
BY SIDE AND DO A "WHO WORE IT BETTER?"
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: HEY, "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE, NEXT WEEK, I SEE IT, I
SEE IT.
>> IT'S LIT IN OUR TEXT CHAIN, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: IS IT?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT I TRUST THAT THAT IS
SOMETHING WORTH SAYING.
"IT IS LIT IN OUR TEXTING."
>> YOU HAVE SOME SILVER GOING ON.
>> Stephen: OH, THIS IS.
YES, YES, IT'S BEEN A TOUGH YEAR, MY MAN.
>> I'VE ASKED YOU THIS BEFORE.
DO YOU DYE YOUR HAIR, COLBERT?
>> Stephen: NO, I DO NOT DYE MY HAIR.
>> THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY.
>> Stephen: NOR DO I CUT IT-- NOR DO I CUT IT ANYMORE.
LOOK AT THE SHAGGY D.A.
>> PLEASE, CAN WE HAVE AN INTERVENTION ON THIS?
ANDERSON IS MORE UPSET ABOUT MY HAIR.
>> HE'S LIKE A ROADY FOR THE GRATEFUL DEAD WITH THE HAIR.
>> Stephen: YOU HOLD HIS ARMS.
I'LL GET THE BRONZE MAN-SCAPER.
>> IT SOUNDS LIKE A FRIDAY NIGHT.
THAT SOUNDS LOOK A FRIDAY.
LET'S DO IT.
>> Stephen: HEY, WE'LL BROADCAST IT.
WE'LL BROADCAST IT.
SUPER BOWL RATINGS, BABY.
SUPER BOWL RATINGS.
ANDERSON-- >> PUT IT ON INSTAGRAM LIVE.
>> Stephen: ANDERSON, YOU GREW UP IN NEW YORK CITY.
NOW YOU'RE RAISING A BOY IN NEW YORK CITY.
ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE HIM TO ANY OF YOUR OLD HAUNTS AND SAY,
"HEY, THIS IS THE CARROUSEL."
WHERE DO.
>> WHERE DO THE BUTLERS TAKE YOU, ANDERSON?
WHERE DO THE BUT LERS TAKE YOU?
>> Stephen: THE VALET.
>> I HAD A NANNY AND SHE TOOK ME TO LOT OF PLACES.
MOST OF THE PLACES MY MOM TOOK ME, I'M NOT SURE I WOULD BRING
MY SON.
MY MOM TOOK ME TO STUDIO 54 WHEN I WAS 11.
I KNOW IT'S GONE, BUT I DON'T THINK --
>> Stephen: HOW ELSE IS YOUR SON GOING TO MEET MARGARET
TRUDEAU.
>> THE SECOND TIME WAS GRACE JONES.
SO-- >> OH, PERFECT.
>> Stephen: OH, WOW.
>> SO, YEAH, SO I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK I -- YOU KNOW, I DON'T NEED TO FOLLOW THAT PATTERN.
>> Stephen: LET'S GET TO THE IMPORTANT STORY HERE.
THE TWO OF YOU ARE RETURNING, BY DEMAND, TO HOST CNN'S NEW
YEAR'S-- LIVE NEW YEAR'S EVE BROADCAST.
SO HOW DO YOU SEND OFF A YEAR LIKE 2020?
DO YOU JUST, LIKE-- >> ...VERY DRUNK.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
THEN I HAVE A CLIP I WANT TO SHOW, BECAUSE I-- I THINK--
>> IT'S NOT HARD, IS IT?
>> Stephen: I THINK I MAY HAVE MENTIONED THIS TO ANDERSON
COOPER BEFORE.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY ANYONE DOES SHOTS.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE VALUE OR THE JOY ASSOCIATED WITH SHOTS.
AND WE HAVE A CLIP HERE OF ANDY MAKING ANDERSON DO SHOTS LAST--
WAS THIS JUST LAST YEAR?
>> YEAH, THIS IS LAST YEAR, I THINK.
>> Stephen: HIT IT.
>> I BROUGHT THE SHOT GLASSES FROM HOME.
CHEERS, BUDDY.
>> OKAY.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> OH!
>> WHAT IS NEW YEAR'S EVE WITHOUT A LEGEND JOINING US.
LET'S GO LIVE TO-- ONE HOUR TO GO UNTIL 2020.
OH, MY GOD.
JUST ENOUGH TIME TO BRING OUT ALL THE SPECIAL GUESTS WE HAVE
BEFORE THE BALL DROPS.
KEITH URBAN AND NICOLE KIDMAN ARE JOINING US.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU RECOVERED YET?
ARE YOU RECOVERED YET, ANDERSON?
>> HONESTLY, JUST EVEN YOU PLAYING THAT, I-- I HAVE A GROSS
YEAGER MEISTER FEELING IN MY THROAT.
>> THE IRONY IS I'VE BECOME THE STRAIGHT GUY AND HAVE TO DRIVE
THE BUS BECAUSE THIS ONE IS DOWN FOR THE COUNT.
HE'S-- HE'S SUCH A LIGHT WEIGHT.
IF NEWS BREAKS WHEN WE'RE ON THE AIR, I'M GOING TO BE THE GUY
THAT'S HANDLING IT.
>> Stephen: REALLY!
REALLY!
>> YEAH.
>> REALLY, BECAUSE -- >> Stephen: I REALLY WANT TO
HEAR ABOUT YOU TALKING ABOUT TRANQS ROLLING INTO KURG STAN.
THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.
>> I WANT YOU TO HEAR IT, TOO.
>> Stephen: "THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF AZERBAIJAN"
WHAT WERE YOU SHOOTING BY THE WAY?
WHAT WAS THAT?
WAS IT JUST VODKA?
WERE YOU TAKING IT EASY.
>> TEQUILA.
>> AT THE END I THINK WE DID YEAGERMEISTER.
>> I MADE HIM DO A YEAGERMEISTER SHOT AT MIDNIGHT.
>> Stephen: THAT IS A TERRIBLE WAY TO END ANY EVENING.
>> I KNOW.
>> THAT'S WHAT WE LIKE ABOUT THIS NEW YEAR'S SHOW.
IT'S LIKE EVERYBODY'S NEW YEAR'S EVE.
YOU THINK IT'S GOING TO BE ONE THING.
IT ENDS UP GOING OFF THE RAILS.
YOU SORT OF HAVE A GOOD TIME, BUT SOMETIMES IT'S JUST MESSY
AND SLOPPY.
AND-- >> VERY AUTHENTIC.
IT'S AN AUTHENTIC EXPERIENCE, UNLIKE A LOT OF THE KIND OF
PRETAPED B.S. THAT'S HAPPENING ON OTHER NETWORKS.
>> Stephen: WOW.
( SNAPPING FINGERS ) OW!
HEY!
I NEED A-- ANDY, YOU HAVE-- YOU'RE FAMOUS FOR MODERATING
WHAT CAN BE CONTENTIOUS GROUPS OF PEOPLE.
ALL THERE FOR THE SAME PURPOSE, WHICH IS TO JUST SCRATCH EACH
OTHER'S EYES OUT.
BUT YOU MANAGE TO KEEP EVERYBODY IN LINE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: ANDERSON, ANDY, WHICH IS HARDER, MODERATING A
CNN POLITICAL PANEL, OR THE "REAL HOUSEWIVES OF?"
I WOULD LOVE TO SEE DAVID GERGEN THROW A GLASS OF CHARDONNAY IN
RICK SANTORUM'S FACE.
>> RICK SANTORUM LOVES HER CHARDONNAY, DOESN'T SHE?
>> Stephen: AND THE CLAWS COME OUT!
>> YES, THEY DO.
>> THAT GLORIA BORGER IS SO CATTY!
BUT WHAT WAS SHE WEARING?
( LAUGHTER ) WHY DID GLORIA BORGER WEAR THAT
BALL GOWN THAT WAS IN LISA'S REJECT PILE IN 2011?
>> Stephen: THAT'S THE QUESTION YOU'VE GOT TO ASK THIS
YEAR, ANDY-- ANDERSON.
ANDERSON.
ANDERSON HAS TO ASK IT.
WOULD YOU EVER WANT TO TRADE JOBS FOR A DAY TO DO EACH
OTHER'S GIG?
>> I COULD NOT-- >> YEAH, I WOULD LIKE--
>> I COULD NOT DO WHAT ANDY DOES.
>> I WOULD LIKE A DAY OFF TO DEAL WITH HIS PANEL.
I WOULD LOVE IT.
CAKEWALK!
YEAH.
>> Stephen: WELL, LISTEN, GUYS, I THINK WE'VE COVERED ALL
THE SUBJECTS.
I THINK SO.
ARE YOU GOING TO WATCH -- >> Stephen: I WAS GOING TO
TALK ABOUT THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE, BUT I THINK ALL OF THIS
IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AT THIS POINT.
>> WHERE ARE YOU ANYTHING TO BE ON NEW YEAR'S EVE.
>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO BE OUT ON THE OPEN ROAD FIGHTING
CRIME.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW?
YOU SHOULD CALL IN.
>> YOU SHOULD.
>> Stephen: CAN I CALL IN, REALLY?
>> WE WOULD LOVE YOU TO CALL IN.
>> Stephen: WHEN WE'RE OFF AIR, GIVE SOMEONE THE PROPER
NUMBER TO CALL AND I WILL ATTEMPT TO CALL IN.
I WILL DO A SHOT WITH YOU AT THE SAME TIME.
>> LOVE IT!
>> Stephen: I'LL FACETIME.
WOULD THAT BE FUN?
>> YAY!
>> BY THE WAY, I JUST TAUGHT MY SON TO CLAP SO I DO THIS ALL DAY
LONG NOW.
PLEASE STOP ME.
I CAN'T STOP.
>> ANDERSON ALSO LEARNED TO CLAP.
ANDERSON IS LEARNING ABOUT BEING A HUMAN BEING.
>> BY THE WAY, DO YOU KNOW THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO 'ROUND AND
'ROUND.
>> Stephen: IF THEY GO 'ROUND AND 'ROUND, THAT BUS IS IN BIG
TROUBLE.
YOU CAN RING IN THE NEW YEAR WITH ANDERSON AND ANDY BY
WATCHING THEM CO-HOST CNN'S LIVE NEW YEAR'S EVE COVERAGE.
ANDERSON COOPER AND ANDY COHEN, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH WHOOPI GOLDBERG.
THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
7 SHE IS AN EGOT WINNER YOU KNOW
AS THE MODERATOR OF "THE VIEW."
SHE NOW STARS IN "THE STAND" ON CBS ALL ACCESS.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW," WHOOPI GOLDBERG!
HELLO, WHOOPI.
>> HELLO, STEPHEN.
HOW ARE YOU.
>> Stephen: ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE YOU.
I'M FEELING GOOD.
>> YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD.
>> Stephen: OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
SO DO YOU.
YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD.
>> I DON'T HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE.
... FROM OUR STOMACHS DOWN.
>> Stephen: THAT'S VERY RIGHT.
I'M VERY RELAXED DOWN THERE.
I'M ALL PROFESSIONAL UP HERE.
YOU'RE ALWAYS VERY GENEROUS WHEN YOU COME ON THE SHOW.
YOU'VE FREQUENTLY BROUGHT ME GIFTS AND THAT HAPPENED AGAIN
THIS YEAR.
LET ME PUT THIS WHOLE THING ON.
I HOPE YOU CAN STILL HEAR ME ONCE I PUT THIS-- THAT IS.
I'M KEEPING THIS MASK.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'M SUPPOSED TO KEEP IT.
>> GOOD-LOOKING STUFF.
LISTEN, WE THOUGHT ABOUT DOING THE UGLY SWEATERS THIS YEAR, AND
WE REALIZED PEOPLE ARE PROBABLY NOT GOING TO BE GOING ANYWHERE.
>> Stephen: WHO IS "WE?" IS THIS YOURS?
DO YOU SELL THIS STUFF?
>> YEAH, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN GO TO NORDSTROM'S AND BUY
IT.
AND IT'S, YOU KNOW, IN LIGHT OF GETTING THE SWEATERS, I FIGURED
SCARVES AND MASKS WOULD WORK OUT FOR ME.
AND SO WE HAVE ALL KIND OF DIFFERENT ONES.
ONE SCARF IS BEHIND ME.
SOME SAY FELIZ NAVIDAD, MERRY CHRISTMAS, ICE SKATING REINDEER
UP HERE.
JUST HAVING A LITTLE FUN, MAN.
>> Stephen: SEND ME TO THE WHOOPI WING OF NORD DROM AND
THEY'LL TAKE ME TO THE RIGHT PLACE?
THERE'S ALSO BIG NEWS GOING ON RIGHT NOW IN THE WORLD OF WHOOPI
GOLDBERG.
IT HAS OFFICIALLY BEEN ANNOUNCED, DISNEY HAS SAID
"SISTER ACT 3" IS HAPPENING, STARRING NONE OTHER THAN WHOOPI
GOLDBERG.
HOW IT WOULD GO FORWARD WITHOUT WHOOPI GOLDBERG, I DON'T KNOW.
NOW IT OFFICIALLY HAS WHOOPI GOLDBERG.
HAVE YOU STARTED-- HAVE YOU STARTED TRYING TO GET BACK INTO
CHARACTER FROM 27 YEARS AGO.
THAT'S A LONG TIME BETWEEN SEQUELS.
>> THIS IS PRETTY MUCH-- LISTEN, DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY SEQUELS
HAVE BEEN DONE?
PEOPLE ARE, LIKE, IN THEIR 90s, AND THEY'RE DOING SEQUELS
TO SOMETHING THAT THEY DID 50 YEARS AGO.
>> Stephen: HARRISON FORD IS DOING ANOTHER "INDIANA JONES."
>> OKAY, SO I LOOK YOUNG NOW.
I LOOK REAL YOUNG.
AND I THOUGHT IF EVERYBODY ELSE IS DOING IT-- YOU KNOW, JOHNNY
DEPP HAS DONE 500 OF THE "PIRATES WILL OF THE CARIBBEAN."
THAT MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN THE GREATEST THING I COULD BRING UP.
BUT SO...
THE POINT IS, YOU KNOW, EVERYONE SEEMS TO BE ABLE TO DO IT.
AND I THOUGHT THOSE NUNS DESERVE TO HAVE ANOTHER GO-ROUND.
>> Stephen: THEY DO.
AGAIN, 27 YEARS AGO, "SISTER ACT 2,: BACK IN THE HABIT."
THAT WAS THE SUBTITLE.
ANY IDEAS FOR A SUBTITLE FOR "SISTER ACT 3?"
>> OH, MY GOD, IT STILL FITS.
>> BLACK IN THE HABIT.
>> Stephen: "BLACK IN THE HABIT," I LIKE THAT.
WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT WHEN WHOOPI COMES BACK, I
WILL ASK HER ABOUT HER NEW PROJECT, STEPHEN KING'S "THE
STAND."
WE'RE BACK HERE WITH WHOOPI GOLDBERG.
I WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR NEW SERIES ON CBS ALL ACCESS, AND
NOT JUST BECAUSE I'M A COMPANY MAN-- THOUGH I AM.
I AM VERY EXCITED ABOUT "THE STAND."
THIS IS GOING TO BE MY JAM OVER THE CHRISTMAS BREAK.
IT'S BASED ON STEPHEN KING.
HE'S ACTUALLY WRITING THE FINAL EPISODE HIMSELF.
AND YOU WANTED TO BE IN THIS SINCE THE FIRST ADAPTATION SINCE
1994.
WHAT DO YOU LOVE ABOUT THIS STORY?
>> WELL, YOU KNOW, IN A LOT OF KING'S WORK, YOU DON'T FIND A
LOT OF PEOPLE OF COLOR.
AND SO, IN READING "THE STAND," WITHIN ONE OF THE PIVOTAL
FIGURES IS MOTHER ABIGAIL, AND SHE'S 108, AND I ALWAYS THOUGHT
WELL, YEAH.
WHY NOT-- WHY NOT ME?
AND THEN I COULDN'T DO IT, YOU KNOW.
AND I THOUGHT WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN DONE.
IT WAS DONE BRILLIANTLY, AND IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN
AGAIN.
AND I FORGOT ABOUT IT.
ASK THEN I GOT A CALL FROM A FRIEND OF MINE, JOSH BOONS, AND
HE SAID, "I'M DOING 'THE STAND'."
AND I SAID, "DO YOU THINK MAYBE I COULD COME AUDITION?"
AND HE SAID, "NO, I'M ASKING YOU TO BE IN IT, IT'S A DONE DEAL."
RUBY DEE, WHO DID THE ORIGINAL MOTHER ABIGAIL WAS THE SAME AGE
I AM NOW WHEN SHE DID MOTHER ABIGAIL, WHICH IS FANTASTIC.
OF COURSE, IT'S 20, 30, 40 YEARS SINCE THE BOOK WAS WRITTEN.
AND QUITE A BIT OF TIME SINCE THEY DID THE ORIGINAL
MINI-SERIES.
SO, YOU KNOW, WE HAVE TO BRING HER IN, TOO-- AND BRING ALL OF
THESE CHARACTERS-- INTO 2020 MINDSET.
AND THEN OF COURSE, THERE IS THAT THING THAT HAPPENED.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE-- WE HAVE A CLIP HERE OF MOTHER ABIGAIL
BEFORE WE GO TO HER, WHO IS SHE?
>> SHE IS THE OTHER SIDE OF DARK, YOU KNOW.
SHE'S THE LIGHT.
AND SHE'S BEEN GIVEN THIS THING TO FIND ALL THESE PEOPLE AND
WALK INTO THEIR DREAMS AND SAY, "COME AND FIND ME.
THIS IS WHERE I AM."
SO ALL OF THESE PEOPLE FROM AROUND THE COUNTRY START HEADING
TOWARDS HER, WHERE SHE SAID SHE IS, TO FIND OUT WHY THEY WERE
CHOSEN, WHY SHE'S COMING INTO THEIR DREAMS.
SO THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SEEING, I THINK.
AND IT'S JESS YOUNG AND I, I THINK, IN THE SCENE.
>> Stephen: JIM.
>> >> HELLO, FRANNIE.
MY NAME IS ABIGAIL FREEMANTEL.
YOU COME SEE ME AT HEMMING FOOT HOME, COLORADO.
CAN YOU REMEMBER THAT FOR ME?
>> Stephen: I'M HOOKED.
I'M IN.
>> IT'S REALLY-- I MEAN, I HAVE TO SAY, YOU KNOW, THERE'S
SOMETHING ABOUT THIS STORY.
AND THEN, OF COURSE, ALL THAT'S GOING ON WITH US.
HOPEFULLY, WE DON'T DISCOVER YOU KNOW IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS IT'S A
FIGHT BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL AND GOD AND THE DEVIL AND ALL THAT
KIND OF STUFF.
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT IT THAT KIND OF JUST FEELS LIKE YOU
MIGHT BE DRAWN TO IT, THAT PEOPLE MIGHT BE DRAWN TO IT.
SO I'M EXCITED.
>> Stephen: >> Stephen: "THE STAND"
PREMIERES THIS THURSDAY ON CBS ALL ACCESS, AND YOU CAN FIND HER
CHRISTMAS COLLECTION IN NORDSTROM NOW.
WHOOPI GOLDBERG, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
THANKS, WHOOPI.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "A LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE TOM HANKS, AND MUSICAL
GUEST, LESLIE ODOM, JR. JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.
Captioning sponsored by CBS Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
>> YOU AND YOUR WIFE SENT ME SOME LOVELY BABY CLOTHES AND I
WAS SO CONFUSED, I DON'T KNOW IF I SENT A NOTE.
>> I DON'T THINK YOU DID.
>> I WASN'T SURE IF YOU WRITE ON THE NOTES WHAT IT WAS AND THEY
GOT LOST.
IT'S A PANDEMIC.
>> I TOLD YOU TO KEEP A LIST!
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
Captioning sponsored by CBS