1 00:00:01,626 --> 00:00:02,836 >> WORLD LEADERS ARE CONDEMNING THE DOMESTIC TERRORISM AT THE 2 00:00:02,919 --> 00:00:07,966 U.S. CAPITOL AND POINTING THE FINGER AT PRESIDENT TRUMP. 3 00:00:08,049 --> 00:00:09,134 THE ATTEMPTED COUP MAKING HEADLINES AROUND THE WORLD. 4 00:00:09,217 --> 00:00:12,137 TURKEY'S FOREIGN MINISTRY ON TWITTER SAYING WE BELIEVE THAT 5 00:00:12,220 --> 00:00:14,097 THE U.S. WILL OVERCOME THIS DOMESTIC POLITICAL CRISIS IN 6 00:00:14,180 --> 00:00:15,306 MATURITY. 7 00:00:15,390 --> 00:00:19,227 WE RECOMMEND OUR CITIZENS IN THE U.S.A. STAY AWAY FROM CROWDED 8 00:00:19,310 --> 00:00:23,231 PLACES -- AGAIN, DELIBERATELY MIMICKING THE LANGUAGE THAT THE 9 00:00:23,314 --> 00:00:26,151 U.S. WOULD NORMALLY USE TO WARN ITS CITIZENS IN DANGEROUS PLACES 10 00:00:26,234 --> 00:00:28,027 IN THE WORLD. 11 00:00:31,364 --> 00:00:32,615 ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ 12 00:01:46,064 --> 00:01:47,232 >> ANNOUNCER: IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 13 00:01:47,315 --> 00:01:52,237 TONIGHT: CAPITOL PUNISHMENT. 14 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:57,867 PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES RACHEL BROSNAHAN AND MUSICAL 15 00:01:57,951 --> 00:01:58,701 GUEST JULIEN BAKER. 16 00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:01,704 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HOMIN'. 17 00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:04,749 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE 18 00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:09,003 BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 19 00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:15,301 >> Stephen: WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY. 20 00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:17,720 I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 21 00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:19,013 WELL, JUST WHEN WE ALL THOUGHT 2020 WAS THE WORST 12 MONTHS OF 22 00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:24,352 OUR LIVES, 2021 SAID, "HOLD MY YEAR." 23 00:02:24,435 --> 00:02:30,191 YOU MIGHT RECALL THAT YESTERDAY, THE OUTGOING PRESIDENT INCITED 24 00:02:30,275 --> 00:02:33,903 AN INSURRECTION AND UNLEASHED AN ANGRY SEDITIOUS MOB THAT STORMED 25 00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:39,826 THE U.S. CAPITOL IN AN ATTEMPT TO STAGE A VIOLENT COUP. 26 00:02:39,909 --> 00:02:41,452 TO OUR WORRIED FRIENDS AND ALLIES ACROSS THE GLOBE-- 27 00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:42,745 REST ASSURED, AMERICA KNOWS WE HAVE A PROBLEM, AND ARE SEEKING 28 00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:45,915 TREATMENT. 29 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,542 SOON. 30 00:02:47,625 --> 00:02:49,919 BUT AS WORRIED AS OUR FRIENDS AND ALLIES MIGHT BE, YOU KNOW 31 00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:52,881 WHO SOUNDS MORE WORRIED? 32 00:02:52,964 --> 00:02:54,090 THE PRESIDENT. 33 00:02:54,173 --> 00:02:57,927 BECAUSE JUST A LITTLE WHILE AGO, MY TAPING TIME, HE RELEASED A 34 00:02:58,011 --> 00:03:00,430 VIDEO THAT, CURIOUSLY, CONTAINED NONE OF THE BRAVADO OF YESTERDAY 35 00:03:00,513 --> 00:03:02,015 MORNING. 36 00:03:02,098 --> 00:03:05,143 NO CRIES OF "STOP THE STEAL," NO CALLS FOR ACTION, NO FOMENTING A 37 00:03:05,226 --> 00:03:11,816 MINDLESS MOB AND DECLARATIONS THAT HE WILL NEVER SURRENDER. 38 00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:15,403 ALSO, NO APOLOGY OR ACCEPTANCE OF PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. 39 00:03:15,486 --> 00:03:17,405 IT DEFINITELY HAS THE FEEL OF SOMEONE THAT HAS BEEN TOLD BY 40 00:03:17,488 --> 00:03:24,412 THEIR LAWYER, THAT IN 13 DAYS-- OR LESS-- THEY CAN BE CHARGED 41 00:03:24,495 --> 00:03:28,082 WITH INSURRECTION, SEDITION, AND INCITING VIOLENCE. 42 00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:28,458 MAYBE HOMICIDE. 43 00:03:28,541 --> 00:03:29,250 I DON'T KNOW. 44 00:03:29,334 --> 00:03:30,001 I'M NOT A LAWYER. 45 00:03:30,084 --> 00:03:33,588 I'M A CLOWN. 46 00:03:33,671 --> 00:03:34,797 LIKE RUDY. 47 00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:37,967 SO, I'M NOT GOING TO SHOW YOU A WORD OF IT, BECAUSE HE DOESN'T 48 00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:41,638 MEAN A WORD OF IT. 49 00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:45,350 A MAN FACING A NOOSE WILL SAY ANYTHING TO SAVE HIS NECK. 50 00:03:45,433 --> 00:03:45,975 OR SAVE HIS SKIN. 51 00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:47,101 IT'S HARD TO TELL. 52 00:03:47,185 --> 00:03:49,979 THERE'S A LOT OF SKIN AROUND THAT NECK. 53 00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:54,442 ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW IS HE'S TERRIFIED, AND IF YOU'RE ONE OF 54 00:03:54,525 --> 00:03:59,447 THE PEOPLE WHO MARCHED UP TO CAPITOL HILL ON HIS ORDERS: 55 00:03:59,530 --> 00:04:04,494 YOU GET OUT YOUR FLAG, PUT ON YOUR HAT, AND YOU GIVE IT A 56 00:04:04,577 --> 00:04:06,120 WATCH. 57 00:04:06,204 --> 00:04:08,790 YOU ALSO MIGHT WANT TO PUT ON A CUP, BECAUSE HE THREW YOU UNDER 58 00:04:08,873 --> 00:04:11,167 THE BUS THAT'S GOING TO TAKE ALL OF YOU TO JAIL. 59 00:04:11,250 --> 00:04:12,460 BECAUSE WHO IS GOING TO DEFEND YOU? 60 00:04:12,543 --> 00:04:15,046 OR HIM? 61 00:04:15,129 --> 00:04:18,049 OR THOSE SENATORS AND CONGRESSMEN FOR WHAT YOU ALL 62 00:04:18,132 --> 00:04:21,052 DID? 63 00:04:21,135 --> 00:04:24,389 FOR PETE'S SAKE, THE "WALL STREET JOURNAL" EDITORIAL BOARD 64 00:04:24,472 --> 00:04:27,392 JUST CALLED ON THE PRESIDENT TO RESIGN. 65 00:04:27,475 --> 00:04:30,228 OVER 100 LAWMAKERS ARE CALLING FOR THE PRESIDENT'S REMOVAL. 66 00:04:30,311 --> 00:04:34,565 AND TODAY, NANCY PELOSI THREATENED TO PURSUE IMPEACHMENT 67 00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:38,569 IF THE PRESIDENT'S CABINET DOES NOT REMOVE HIM USING THE 25TH 68 00:04:38,653 --> 00:04:41,531 AMENDMENT. 69 00:04:41,614 --> 00:04:42,824 THAT IS SOME SERIOUS "ONE OF US HAS TO TAKE AWAY GRANDPA'S CAR 70 00:04:42,907 --> 00:04:44,534 KEYS" ENERGY. 71 00:04:44,617 --> 00:04:49,205 AND MAY I REMIND YOU, THIS CAR HAS NUCLEAR MISSILES. 72 00:04:49,288 --> 00:04:53,209 FOR THOSE OF YOU READING THE CONSTITUTION WHO HAVEN'T GOTTEN 73 00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:59,882 TO THE 25TH AMENDMENT YET-- SPOILER ALERT-- IT ALLOWS THE 74 00:04:59,966 --> 00:05:01,592 CABINET TO REMOVE THE PRESIDENT IF THEY DECLARE HE IS UNABLE TO 75 00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:05,221 DISCHARGE THE POWERS AND DUTIES OF HIS OFFICE. 76 00:05:05,304 --> 00:05:06,681 THAT CHECKS OUT. 77 00:05:06,764 --> 00:05:07,974 ALTHOUGH, I'M PRETTY SURE HE'S DISCHARGED PLENTY OF DUTY IN HIS 78 00:05:08,057 --> 00:05:10,601 OFFICE. 79 00:05:10,685 --> 00:05:12,270 BUT AS A PRACTICAL MATTER, THE VICE PRESIDENT HAS TO ORGANIZE 80 00:05:12,353 --> 00:05:14,605 THE CABINET FOR A VOTE. 81 00:05:14,689 --> 00:05:17,316 SO, TODAY, SPEAKER PELOSI AND SOON-TO-BE SENATE MAJORITY 82 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:20,278 LEADER CHUCK SCHUMER CALLED THE VICE PRESIDENT TO TALK ABOUT 83 00:05:20,361 --> 00:05:24,407 THIS URGENT SUBJECT-- BUT WERE LEFT ON A HOLDING LINE 84 00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:29,454 FOR 20 MINUTES WITHOUT MR. PENCE PICKING UP. 85 00:05:29,537 --> 00:05:34,375 I BELIEVE WE HAVE THE VICE PRESIDENT'S ANSWERING 86 00:05:34,459 --> 00:05:35,251 SERVICE. 87 00:05:35,334 --> 00:05:36,294 >> YOU'VE REACHED THE OFFICE OF MIKE PENCE. 88 00:05:36,377 --> 00:05:38,629 IF YOU WANT YOUR SON TO STOP BEING GAY, PRESS ONE. 89 00:05:38,713 --> 00:05:41,257 IF YOU WANT YOUR PRESIDENT REMOVED FROM OFFICE, PLEASE 90 00:05:41,340 --> 00:05:46,596 HOLD, YOUR CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS IS IMPORTANT TO US. 91 00:05:46,679 --> 00:05:54,771 MOTHER, PACK THE BAGS! 92 00:05:54,854 --> 00:05:58,608 ( BEEP ) >> Stephen: IN THE PRESIDENT'S 93 00:05:58,691 --> 00:06:01,986 VIDEO, HE SAYS THERE WILL BE AN ORDERLY TRANSITION ON 94 00:06:02,070 --> 00:06:03,112 JANUARY 20." 95 00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:04,113 BUT HE'S NOT SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT HE'S GOING TO DO 96 00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:05,323 BEFORE THEN. 97 00:06:05,406 --> 00:06:06,491 I'M GUESSING SEND A PALLET OF METH AND MACHETES TO EVERY BASS 98 00:06:06,574 --> 00:06:07,742 PRO SHOP IN THE COUNTRY WITH A NOTE SAYING "MAKE ME PROUD!" 99 00:06:07,825 --> 00:06:10,745 ASIDE FROM HIS FEAR OF REMOVAL OR PROSECUTION, MAYBE BABY JUST 100 00:06:10,828 --> 00:06:13,122 WANTS HIS TOY BACK. 101 00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:14,749 BECAUSE TWITTER LOCKED THE PRESIDENT'S ACCOUNT AFTER HIS 102 00:06:14,832 --> 00:06:18,753 RIOT ON CAPITOL HILL. 103 00:06:18,836 --> 00:06:21,964 GOOD TO KNOW TWITTER IS FINALLY TREATING A VIOLENCE-INCITING 104 00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:24,342 FASCIST AS HARSHLY AS A TEENAGER WHO USED SEVEN SECONDS OF AN 105 00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:26,719 IMAGINE DRAGONS SONG. 106 00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:30,681 YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, BRAYDEN. 107 00:06:30,765 --> 00:06:34,727 AFTER THE PRESIDENT CONTINUED TO POST LIES ABOUT THE ELECTION, 108 00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:40,817 TWITTER ANNOUNCED HIS ACCOUNT WOULD BE LOCKED FOR 12 HOURS. 109 00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:42,443 WHICH MEANS, LAST NIGHT, THE PRESIDENT HAD THE MOST BORING 110 00:06:42,527 --> 00:06:43,653 POOPS OF HIS LIFE. 111 00:06:43,736 --> 00:06:44,445 OVERALL, IT WAS A TOUGH DAY FOR THE PRESIDENT'S SOCIAL MEDIA 112 00:06:44,529 --> 00:06:46,697 PRESENCE. 113 00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:54,288 HE ALSO GOT BLOCKED FROM POSTING TO FACEBOOK AND INSTAGRAM 114 00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:55,540 INDEFINITELY. 115 00:06:55,623 --> 00:06:56,666 YOUTUBE PULLED HIS VIDEO ADDRESS TO THE RIOTERS, CITING ELECTION 116 00:06:56,749 --> 00:06:57,834 MISINFORMATION, AND AMAZON BANNED HIM FROM ORDERING PIXIE 117 00:06:57,917 --> 00:07:00,461 STICKS BECAUSE THEY GET HIM TOO WOUND UP BEFORE BEDTIME. 118 00:07:00,545 --> 00:07:04,549 WHILE WE ARE ALL HOPING SOMEDAY THE PRESIDENT GETS HIS 119 00:07:04,632 --> 00:07:06,676 COMEUPPANCE. 120 00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:10,555 HE SEEMS DETERMINED TO KEEP HIS UPPANCE UN-COMED. 121 00:07:10,638 --> 00:07:14,016 EARLIER TODAY WE LEARNED THE PRESIDENT HAS SUGGESTED TO AIDES 122 00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:17,228 HE WANTS TO PARDON HIMSELF IN THE FINAL DAYS OF HIS 123 00:07:17,311 --> 00:07:18,104 PRESIDENCY. 124 00:07:18,187 --> 00:07:21,691 JUST WHAT THE FOUNDING FATHERS INTENDED. 125 00:07:21,774 --> 00:07:23,526 REMINDS ME OF THAT GEORGE WASHINGTON QUOTE, "I CHOPPED 126 00:07:23,609 --> 00:07:26,529 DOWN THAT CHERRY TREE AND GOT AWAY WITH IT, ( BLEEP )! 127 00:07:26,612 --> 00:07:32,034 KISS MY WOODEN BALLS!" BUT HE'S NOT BEING STINGY WITH 128 00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:33,494 THE GET-OUT-OF-JAIL-FREE CARDS. 129 00:07:33,578 --> 00:07:37,999 REPORTEDLY, THE PRESIDENT HAS CONSIDERED A RANGE OF PREEMPTIVE 130 00:07:38,082 --> 00:07:40,042 PARDONS FOR DONALD JR., ERIC, IVANKA, JARED KUSHNER, AND RUDY 131 00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:42,545 GIULIANI. 132 00:07:42,628 --> 00:07:46,924 NOTHING FOR MELANIA, BUT, OBVIOUSLY, SHE'S ALREADY SERVING 133 00:07:47,008 --> 00:07:50,511 HARD TIME, THOUGH I'M GUESSING IT WAS PRETTY SOFT. 134 00:07:50,595 --> 00:07:52,513 BUT WHILE THE WRITING SEEMS TO BE ON THE WALL FOR THIS 135 00:07:52,597 --> 00:07:58,561 ADMINISTRATION, NOT EVERYONE IN CONGRESS CAN READ. 136 00:07:58,644 --> 00:08:04,525 LIKE FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN AND MAN DESPERATELY HOPING FOR A 137 00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:07,236 "GUYS AND DOLLS" AUDITION, MATT GAETZ. 138 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:08,404 LAST NIGHT ON THE FLOOR OF THE HOUSE, WHICH WAS STILL RIDDLED 139 00:08:08,487 --> 00:08:10,531 WITH THE BROKEN GLASS OF THE PRESIDENT'S THUGS, GAETZ FLOATED 140 00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:15,620 A STORY FROM THE "WASHINGTON TIMES" THAT A FACIAL RECOGNITION 141 00:08:15,703 --> 00:08:18,623 COMPANY HAD SEEN THAT SOME OF THE MOB WAS REALLY ANTIFA! 142 00:08:18,706 --> 00:08:19,874 THAT'S KIND OF INTERESTING. 143 00:08:19,957 --> 00:08:22,627 WHAT'S MORE INTERESTING IS THE FACIAL RECOGNITION COMPANY SAID 144 00:08:22,710 --> 00:08:24,629 "NO, WE DIDN'T." 145 00:08:24,712 --> 00:08:26,631 THOUGH THEY DID SAY THEY I.D.'D SOME 146 00:08:26,714 --> 00:08:27,924 NEO-NAZIS IN THE CROWD. 147 00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:31,636 BUT IF YOU'RE GOING TO SELL THE ( BLEEP )-COVERING FANTASY THAT 148 00:08:31,719 --> 00:08:34,639 THE RIOTERS WEREN'T REALLY THE PRESIDENT'S SUPPORTERS, YOU KNOW 149 00:08:34,722 --> 00:08:36,766 WHAT WOULD HELP? 150 00:08:36,849 --> 00:08:39,644 IF THE PRESIDENT'S SUPPORTERS WOULD STOP BRAGGING THAT THEY'RE 151 00:08:39,727 --> 00:08:41,562 THE RIOTERS. 152 00:08:41,646 --> 00:08:42,647 CASE IN POINT, THAT GUY WHO BROKE INTO THE SPEAKER OF THE 153 00:08:42,730 --> 00:08:44,649 HOUSE'S OFFICE. 154 00:08:44,732 --> 00:08:48,152 HIS NAME IS RICHARD "BIGO" BARNETT, AND HE'S THE LEADER 155 00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:51,656 OF A PRO-GUN RIGHTS GROUP IN GRAVETTE, ARKANSAS. 156 00:08:51,739 --> 00:08:52,823 HOW DO I KNOW THIS? 157 00:08:52,907 --> 00:08:56,661 HE IDENTIFIED HIMSELF AS THE INTRUDER TO A "NEW YORK TIMES" 158 00:08:56,744 --> 00:08:58,663 REPORTER. 159 00:08:58,746 --> 00:09:03,751 OUR SOURCE WAS THE "NEW YORK TIMES"! 160 00:09:03,834 --> 00:09:04,585 THAT WAS PRETTY DUMB. 161 00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:06,671 HASN'T HE EVER SEEN THE "TIMES'" MOTTO? 162 00:09:06,754 --> 00:09:11,717 "ALL THE NEWS THAT'S ADMISSIBLE IN COURT." 163 00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:15,680 TIME AND TIME AGAIN, PEOPLE , THESE VIOLENT IDIOTS, 164 00:09:15,763 --> 00:09:19,684 LOOKED RIGHT INTO THE CAMERA, GAVE THEIR CONTACT INFORMATION 165 00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:22,103 AND SAID EXACTLY WHAT THEY WERE UP TO. 166 00:09:22,186 --> 00:09:23,354 >> MA'AM, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? 167 00:09:23,437 --> 00:09:24,522 >> I GOT MACED. 168 00:09:24,605 --> 00:09:30,111 >> YOU GOT MACED. 169 00:09:30,194 --> 00:09:31,696 WHAT HAPPENED? 170 00:09:31,779 --> 00:09:33,823 YOU WERE TRYING TO GO INSIDE THE CAPITOL? 171 00:09:33,906 --> 00:09:35,658 >> YEAH, I MADE IT LIKE A FOOT INSIDE AND THEY PUSHED ME OUT 172 00:09:35,741 --> 00:09:37,493 AND THEY MACED ME. 173 00:09:37,576 --> 00:09:38,327 >> WHAT'S YOUR NAME? 174 00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:39,662 WHERE ARE YOU FROM? 175 00:09:39,745 --> 00:09:42,415 >> MY NAME IS ELIZABETH, I'M FROM KNOXVILLE, TENNESSEE. 176 00:09:42,498 --> 00:09:44,667 >> AND WHY DID YOU WANT TO GO IN? 177 00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:45,376 >> WE'RE STORMING THE CAPITOL! 178 00:09:45,459 --> 00:09:51,632 IT'S A REVOLUTION. 179 00:09:51,716 --> 00:09:55,511 >> STEPHEN: IT'S A REVOLUTION, AND YOU'RE COMPLAINING THAT THEY 180 00:09:55,594 --> 00:09:56,679 MACED YOU? 181 00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:59,640 IN A REAL REVOLUTION, WHEN YOU LOSE, THEY CHOP YOUR ( BLEEP ) 182 00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:00,766 HEAD OFF! 183 00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:02,310 AND THEN YOUR PIANO SCARF DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO WRAP 184 00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:04,520 AROUND! 185 00:10:04,603 --> 00:10:07,565 WOULDN'T THAT BE SAD? 186 00:10:07,648 --> 00:10:09,400 IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, ASK FAILED REVOLUTIONARY... OH, 187 00:10:09,483 --> 00:10:11,569 WAIT, YOU CAN'T, BECAUSE THEY CHOPPED THEIR ( BLEEP ) HEAD 188 00:10:11,652 --> 00:10:12,611 OFF! 189 00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:15,156 AND THAT'S WHERE THEY KEEP THE EARS AND THE MOUTH. 190 00:10:15,239 --> 00:10:19,035 REALLY POOR PLANNING ON THE WHOLE HEAD THING! 191 00:10:19,118 --> 00:10:21,329 ONE OF THE PEOPLE POSTING FROM INSIDE THE INSURRECTION WAS 192 00:10:21,412 --> 00:10:23,039 ACTUALLY A NEWLY-ELECTED MEMBER OF THE WEST VIRGINIA HOUSE OF 193 00:10:23,122 --> 00:10:24,749 DELEGATES. 194 00:10:24,832 --> 00:10:28,544 DELEGATE DERRICK EVANS STREAMED THIS VIDEO ON SOCIAL MEDIA 195 00:10:28,627 --> 00:10:30,755 YESTERDAY: >> WE'RE IN! 196 00:10:30,838 --> 00:10:31,464 WE'RE IN! 197 00:10:31,547 --> 00:10:34,592 DERRICK EVANS IS IN THE CAPITOL! 198 00:10:34,675 --> 00:10:35,885 >> STEPHEN: OKAY, IT'S NEVER A GOOD IDEA TO LIVE-STREAM YOUR 199 00:10:35,968 --> 00:10:37,011 OWN CRIMES. 200 00:10:37,094 --> 00:10:39,055 BUT IF YOU DO, YOU GOT TO REMEMBER NOT TO SHOUT YOUR OWN 201 00:10:39,138 --> 00:10:41,682 NAME. 202 00:10:41,766 --> 00:10:42,850 BANK ROBBERS DON'T SAY: "OKAY, PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG, 203 00:10:42,933 --> 00:10:46,437 REAL CALM AND NO ONE GETS HURT. 204 00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:47,646 OOH, YEAH! 205 00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:51,067 ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL HEIST FOR DOUG SULLIVAN OF 310 RIDGEFIELD 206 00:10:51,150 --> 00:11:00,868 ROAD IN MORRISVILLE, ILLINOIS, 11854." 207 00:11:00,951 --> 00:11:06,499 THOSE GUYS ARE MERELY THE TIP OF THE DOUCHEBERG, WHICH IS WHY THE 208 00:11:06,582 --> 00:11:10,044 F.B.I. IS ASKING FOR THE PUBLIC'S HELP IDENTIFYING 209 00:11:10,127 --> 00:11:11,253 TRUMPISTS WHO STORMED CAPITOL, AND HAS SET UP A WEBSITE FOR 210 00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:12,797 TIPS. 211 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:15,925 FBI.GOV/USCAPITOL. 212 00:11:16,008 --> 00:11:18,260 AND I'M SURE THEY'RE BEING INUNDATED WITH USEFUL TIPS AS WE 213 00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:19,178 SPEAK. 214 00:11:19,261 --> 00:11:24,809 (AS F.B.I. AGENT) "OKAY, GUYS, LISTEN UP. 215 00:11:24,892 --> 00:11:30,815 WE'VE GOT A HOT TIP TO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR KNOWN RIOTER SEYMOUR 216 00:11:30,898 --> 00:11:35,111 BUTTS. 217 00:11:35,194 --> 00:11:42,284 I WANT TO SEYMOUR BUTTS AND HIS ACCOMPLICES, MUNCH MAQUOCHY, 218 00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:42,743 HARRY BALLS, AND BABA-BOOEY! 219 00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:43,619 BABA-BOOEY! 220 00:11:43,702 --> 00:11:47,123 HOWARD STERN'S PENIS!" LET'S GO GET 'EM! 221 00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:49,834 BUT I'M A PATRIOT AND I'M WILLING TO DO MY PART. 222 00:11:49,917 --> 00:11:51,919 SO THIS MORNING, I SCANNED THE PHOTOS FROM THE CAPITOL, AND I 223 00:11:52,002 --> 00:11:55,256 THINK I RECOGNIZE SOME PEOPLE DESTROYING DEMOCRACY. 224 00:11:55,339 --> 00:11:56,966 LIKE THIS GUY. 225 00:11:57,049 --> 00:11:59,135 THAT MIGHT BE SENATOR TED CRUZ? 226 00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:00,469 I WANT TO BE FAIR HERE. 227 00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:03,848 IT COULD THE BLOATED CORPSE OF A DROWNED WOODCHUCK. 228 00:12:03,931 --> 00:12:08,436 AND I'M PRETTY SURE THIS GUY IS MISSOURI 229 00:12:08,519 --> 00:12:09,687 SENATOR JOSH HAWLEY. 230 00:12:09,770 --> 00:12:12,481 I RECOGNIZE HIM FROM HIS TWITTER HANDLE, PEE WEE HERMANN GOERING. 231 00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:17,778 OVER IN THE HOUSE, I THINK THIS IS MINORITY LEADER KEVIN 232 00:12:17,862 --> 00:12:19,697 MCCARTHY, WHO MIGHT BE THE MOST SELF-SERVING, AMORAL PERSON IN 233 00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:22,825 THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, UNLESS HE'S HOME RIGHT NOW. 234 00:12:22,908 --> 00:12:26,328 I'M PRETTY SURE THIS IS MEDAL OF FREEDOM RECIPIENT DEVIN NUNES. 235 00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:29,790 HARD TO RECOGNIZE HIM WITHOUT HIS LIPS ON THE PRESIDENT'S ASS. 236 00:12:29,874 --> 00:12:30,958 AND ALSO I THINK I SAW THE GUY WHO'S GETTING THE MEDAL OF 237 00:12:31,041 --> 00:12:39,175 FREEDOM NEXT WEEK, OHIO CONGRESSMAN JIM JORDAN. 238 00:12:39,258 --> 00:12:42,011 YEAH, THAT IS DEFINITELY HIM, BUT FOLLOWING JORDAN'S EXAMPLE 239 00:12:42,094 --> 00:12:43,387 ON SEXUAL ASSAULT OF COLLEGE WRESTLERS, I'M GOING TO PRETEND 240 00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:44,889 I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING. 241 00:12:44,972 --> 00:12:46,932 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 242 00:12:47,016 --> 00:12:51,937 MY GUEST IS MRS. MAISEL HERSELF, RACHEL BROSNAHAN. 243 00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:56,775 BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE." 244 00:12:56,859 --> 00:12:57,860 STICK AROUND. 245 00:13:24,011 --> 00:13:24,929 ♪♪♪ >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK, 246 00:13:25,012 --> 00:13:25,804 EVERYBODY. 247 00:13:25,888 --> 00:13:28,599 LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE. 248 00:13:28,682 --> 00:13:30,059 JON, HOW ARE YOU? 249 00:13:30,142 --> 00:13:37,733 >> Jon: MAN, YOU KNOW, I'M PROFOUNDLY DISAPPOINTED BUT NOT 250 00:13:37,816 --> 00:13:38,317 SURPRISED. 251 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:39,902 >> Stephen: NO, SAME HERE. 252 00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:40,778 DEEPLY SADDENED. 253 00:13:40,861 --> 00:13:45,574 DEEPLY SADDENED BY THE EVENTS OF YESTERDAY. 254 00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:49,537 >> Jon: IT'S -- IT'S SOMETHING THAT I HOPE DOESN'T OVERSHADOW 255 00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:52,414 WHAT HAPPENED IN GEORGIA. 256 00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:58,003 >> Stephen: YOU KNOW, WE WERE GOING TO SPEND MOST OF LAST 257 00:13:58,087 --> 00:14:03,425 NIGHT TALKING ABOUT THE HISTORIC, A, FLIP OF THE STATE 258 00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:07,221 TOTALLY AND THE FACT THAT RAPHAEL WARNOCK IS THE FIRST 259 00:14:07,304 --> 00:14:10,224 AFRICAN-AMERICAN TO REPRESENT GEORGIA EVER IN THE SENATE. 260 00:14:10,307 --> 00:14:11,392 ( APPLAUSE ) IN THE SENATE. 261 00:14:11,475 --> 00:14:12,434 >> Jon: YES, RIGHT. 262 00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:15,980 >> Stephen: THE PASTOR OF EBENEZER BAPTIST CHURCH! 263 00:14:16,063 --> 00:14:18,941 >> Jon: YES, THIS IS MONUMENTAL. 264 00:14:19,024 --> 00:14:23,070 THIS IS SOMETHING THAT CANNOT BE OVERSHADOWED OR OVERLOOKED IN 265 00:14:23,153 --> 00:14:24,321 ANY WAY. 266 00:14:24,405 --> 00:14:27,616 BUT WHAT HAPPENED AT THE CAPITOL IS SO DISHEARTENING, I JUST WANT 267 00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:30,828 TO KNOW WHAT THAT KIND OF PRIVILEGE FEELS LIKE, THE 268 00:14:30,911 --> 00:14:32,997 AUDACITY TO NOT EVEN HIDE YOURSELF. 269 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:34,081 >> Stephen: YEAH. 270 00:14:34,164 --> 00:14:36,083 WHAT IS THAT? 271 00:14:36,166 --> 00:14:40,337 >> Stephen: I HAVE A LOT OF FAMILY IN D.C., FROM A BIG 272 00:14:40,421 --> 00:14:44,300 FAMILY, A LOT OF THEM IN D.C., AND A COUPLE WERE DOWN IN D.C. 273 00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:48,804 TODAY AND THEY SENT ME BACK A PHOTOGRAPH RIGHT AT DUSK OF THE 274 00:14:48,887 --> 00:14:52,016 CAPITOL BUILDING, ALL LIT UP IN THE BACKGROUND. 275 00:14:52,099 --> 00:15:00,024 >> Jon: WHOO! 276 00:15:00,107 --> 00:15:00,649 MAN... 277 00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:03,527 >> Stephen: ALWAYS MOVING. 278 00:15:03,611 --> 00:15:08,449 ON ANY DAY YOU COME AROUND A CORNER IN D.C. TORE THE TRAIN 279 00:15:08,532 --> 00:15:11,952 STATION AND SEE THE CAPITOL BUILDING, IT'S VEG MOTTO SEE. 280 00:15:12,036 --> 00:15:15,706 WHOEVER'S IN GOVERNMENT OR IN POWER, THAT SIGHT IS INCREDIBLY 281 00:15:15,789 --> 00:15:16,874 MOVING TO SEE. 282 00:15:16,957 --> 00:15:19,501 BUT THEY SENT ME A LITTLE NOTE TO SAY WE'RE DOWN HERE, JUST 283 00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:21,795 WANT TO SEE IF SHE'S OKAY. 284 00:15:21,879 --> 00:15:22,671 SHE'S DOING ALL RIGHT. 285 00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:24,048 AND I THINK WE'RE GOING TO DO ALL RIGHT. 286 00:15:24,131 --> 00:15:28,135 BUT WE'VE GOT TO KEEP THAT LOVE IN OUR HEART FOR OUR SHARED 287 00:15:28,218 --> 00:15:31,096 VALUES, OUR SHARED LOVE OF FREEDOM, AND OUR SHARED ABILITY 288 00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:42,191 TO SETTLE OUR GRIEVOUS BY DISAGREEING AT THE BALLOT BOX, 289 00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:43,359 NOT WITH BULLETS. 290 00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:46,153 >> Jon: WHO GETS THE MOST VOTES WINS, THAT'S HOW IT WORKS. 291 00:15:46,236 --> 00:15:51,575 WE CAN FIGHT UP UNTIL THE LAST VOTE, BUT AFTER THAT WE MOVE 292 00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:52,534 FORWARD TOGETHER. 293 00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:53,369 THAT'S IT. 294 00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:54,953 THAT'S HOW IT WORKS. 295 00:15:55,037 --> 00:15:58,040 >> Stephen: JON, DO YOU HAVE ANY MUSIC FOR THE MOMENT? 296 00:15:58,123 --> 00:15:59,917 >> Jon: WELL, YOU KNOW, GEORGIA WAS SWINGIN'. 297 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:04,546 IT DON'T MEAN A THING. 298 00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:09,218 ♪♪♪ ♪ IF IT AIN'T GOT THAT SWING ♪ 299 00:16:09,301 --> 00:16:12,513 ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S WHERE MY MIND IS AT. 300 00:16:12,596 --> 00:16:16,558 ♪♪♪ YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING? 301 00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:18,560 >> Jon: JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY. 302 00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:19,144 THANK YOU, JON. 303 00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:20,521 >> Stephen: YES, INDEED. 304 00:16:20,604 --> 00:16:21,939 LATER ON. 305 00:16:22,022 --> 00:16:23,148 LATER ON. 306 00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:26,110 >> Stephen: FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME 307 00:16:26,193 --> 00:16:29,029 CAREFULLY SOLDERING THE MOST TOPICAL SUPER-CONDUCTIVE CIRCUIT 308 00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:32,116 BOARDS, CRAFTING THE NEWSIEST LIGHTWEIGHT CARBON FIBER LIMBS 309 00:16:32,199 --> 00:16:34,118 STUDYING HUMAN MOVEMENT PATTERNS, AND BALANCING 310 00:16:34,201 --> 00:16:36,078 PRECISION INTERNAL GYROSCOPES TO CREATE THE CUTTING-EDGE 311 00:16:36,161 --> 00:16:42,126 STATE-OF-THE-ART BOSTON DYNAMICS ROBOT THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. 312 00:16:42,209 --> 00:16:45,129 BUT SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO SNORT SOME BATH SALTS, BREAK IN TO AN 313 00:16:45,212 --> 00:16:48,549 ABANDONED TOYS-R-US, DIG THROUGH THE BIN OF DEFECTIVE REJECTS, 314 00:16:48,632 --> 00:16:51,969 AND GLUE SOME BUSTED PARTS TOGETHER TO CREATE THE DEMENTED 315 00:16:52,052 --> 00:16:57,725 FRANKEN-FURBY OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: 316 00:16:57,808 --> 00:17:04,106 "QUARANTINEWHILE!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A HARVARD 317 00:17:04,189 --> 00:17:09,611 PROFESSOR HAS CLAIMED IN HIS NEW BOOK THAT ALIEN DEBRIS PASSED 318 00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:12,114 NEAR EARTH IN 2017," AND THAT THE OBJECT ACTUALLY "COULD HAVE 319 00:17:12,197 --> 00:17:12,740 BEEN ALIEN SPACE JUNK." 320 00:17:12,823 --> 00:17:13,782 I DON'T KNOW. 321 00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:16,076 ALIEN GARBAGE SOUNDS A LITTLE FAR-FETCHED. 322 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:17,786 LET'S TAKE A LOOK. 323 00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:18,954 WHOA! 324 00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:21,790 I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S GARBAGE, BUT THAT DEFINITELY APPEARS TO 325 00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:23,834 BE SOMEONE'S JUNK. 326 00:17:23,917 --> 00:17:27,463 PLEASE, HAVE YOUR ALIEN SPAYED OR NEUTERED. 327 00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:29,798 NOT COOL, ALIENS. 328 00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:33,469 THAT IS A STRAIGHT-UP INTERSTELLAR PENIS PIC. 329 00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:36,096 WE'RE NOT YOUR GALACTIC BOOTY CALL, OKAY? 330 00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:41,810 REMINDS ME OF THAT SCENE IN "ARRIVAL." 331 00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:52,613 ( GROWLING ) ( HEAVY BREATHING ) 332 00:17:52,696 --> 00:17:54,323 >> STEPHEN: THE HARVARD PROFESSOR, AVI LOEB, HERE, 333 00:17:54,406 --> 00:17:57,826 ADDED-- AND AGAIN, HE IS A HARVARD PROFESSOR-- "WE'RE 334 00:17:57,910 --> 00:18:00,287 PROBABLY NOT ALONE, AND MOREOVER WE'RE PROBABLY NOT THE SHARPEST 335 00:18:00,370 --> 00:18:03,040 COOKIE IN THE JAR." 336 00:18:03,123 --> 00:18:08,003 SO EITHER THIS GUY SHARPENS HIS COOKIES, OR HE IS NOT 337 00:18:08,086 --> 00:18:12,341 THE BRIGHTEST BULB SHORT OF A SIX-PACK. 338 00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:13,842 QUARANTINE-WHILE, A NEW BURP-CATCHING MASK FOR COWS 339 00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:17,846 COULD SLOW DOWN CLIMATE CHANGE. 340 00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:20,057 AND AS SOMEONE WHOSE MASK HAS BEEN CATCHING MY BURPS ALL YEAR, 341 00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:23,811 LET ME SAY TO THE COWS IN ADVANCE-- I'M SO SORRY. 342 00:18:23,894 --> 00:18:25,854 THE MASKS ARE DESIGNED TO REDUCE METHANE, A POWERFUL GREENHOUSE 343 00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:28,232 GAS EMITTED BY LIVESTOCK. 344 00:18:28,315 --> 00:18:30,150 AND SCIENTISTS SAY THE MASK HAS NO IMPACT ON THE ANIMAL'S 345 00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:32,236 BEHAVIOR AND FEEDING. 346 00:18:32,319 --> 00:18:33,362 YOU SURE ABOUT THAT? 347 00:18:33,445 --> 00:18:35,155 BECAUSE THAT SHINY BLACK LEATHER HAS A REAL S&M FLAVOR. 348 00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:37,115 MAKE SURE BESSIE HAS A SAFE WORD. 349 00:18:37,199 --> 00:18:41,203 (WHISPERED) PUMPKIN PATCH. 350 00:18:41,286 --> 00:18:45,082 QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN CELEBRITY COUPLE NEWS, KIM KARDASHIAN AND 351 00:18:45,165 --> 00:18:48,752 KANYE WEST ARE GETTING A DIVORCE. 352 00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:52,673 NO, NOT KIM-YAY KAR-WEST-IAN! 353 00:18:52,756 --> 00:18:53,298 KIM-YE-STIAN KARD-WASHYE? 354 00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:56,385 THEY HAD SO MUCH IN COMMON! 355 00:18:56,468 --> 00:18:56,677 FAME. 356 00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:58,095 AND... 357 00:18:58,178 --> 00:19:00,722 LOUIS VUITTON SUBMARINES, I THINK? 358 00:19:00,806 --> 00:19:04,101 IT WAS A CLASSIC STORY: BOY MEETS GIRL, GIRL BREAKS INTERNET 359 00:19:04,184 --> 00:19:10,065 WITH CHAMPAGNE GLASS ON HER BUTT, BOY GETS IN YEARS-LONG 360 00:19:10,148 --> 00:19:11,608 FEUD WITH TAYLOR SWIFT, GIRL STUDIES FOR THE BAR EXAM, BOY 361 00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:15,529 RUNS FOR PRESIDENT AND GIVES GIRL A HOLOGRAM OF HER DEAD 362 00:19:15,612 --> 00:19:16,905 FATHER AT HER PRIVATE ISLAND BIRTHDAY PARTY DURING A 363 00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:20,868 PANDEMIC... 364 00:19:20,951 --> 00:19:23,036 IT'S A TALE AS OLD AS TIME. 365 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,872 QUARANTINE-WHILE, THE 2021 GRAMMYS HAVE BEEN POSTPONED OVER 366 00:19:24,955 --> 00:19:27,124 COVID-19 CONCERNS. 367 00:19:27,207 --> 00:19:30,544 MEANING THERE'S STILL TIME FOR THEM TO NOMINATE MY SPOKEN WORD 368 00:19:30,627 --> 00:19:33,630 ALBUM, "ELEVENTY-ONE LIMERICKS ABOUT HOBBIT BIRTHDAYS." 369 00:19:33,714 --> 00:19:35,424 "THERE ONCE WAS A PARTY FOR BILBO. 370 00:19:35,507 --> 00:19:38,594 HE HAD ENOUGH CAKE FOR HIS FILL, THOUGH. 371 00:19:38,677 --> 00:19:44,808 SO HE PUT ON HIS RING, AND HAD A HOT, PRIVATE FLING 372 00:19:44,892 --> 00:19:49,146 WITH A 13-INCH-LONG PLASTIC"-- A AND I'M BEING TOLD WE CAN'T 373 00:19:49,229 --> 00:19:52,941 FINISH THIS POEM ON CBS. 374 00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:54,109 DON'T SNUB ME AGAIN, ACADEMY. 375 00:19:54,192 --> 00:19:55,485 QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN THE COMPLEX WORLD OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS, 376 00:19:55,569 --> 00:19:58,947 DENMARK HAS LAUNCHED A CHILDREN'S TV SHOW ABOUT A MAN 377 00:19:59,031 --> 00:19:59,448 WITH GIANT PENIS. 378 00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:03,327 WHO LOOKS LIKE THIS. 379 00:20:03,410 --> 00:20:03,952 GOOD GOD, I FOUND WALDO! 380 00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:07,998 AND I REALLY WISH I HADN'T. 381 00:20:08,081 --> 00:20:11,126 I DON'T KNOW WHICH IS MORE INAPPROPRIATE FOR KIDS TO SEE, 382 00:20:11,209 --> 00:20:12,377 THAT THIS GUY HAS A PREHENSILE PEEN OR THAT HE'S USING IT TO 383 00:20:12,461 --> 00:20:15,964 DUMP LIGHTER FLUID ON A BARBECUE. 384 00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:20,344 BUDDY, YOU'RE GOING TO GRILL YOUR WIENER! 385 00:20:20,427 --> 00:20:24,348 ALSO, GOT TO SAY, THAT ONESIE MUST TAKE FOREVER TO PUT ON. 386 00:20:24,431 --> 00:20:28,352 THE CHARACTER'S PENIS IS SO LONG AND VERSATILE THAT IT CAN 387 00:20:28,435 --> 00:20:33,065 PERFORM RESCUE OPERATIONS, ETCH MURALS, HOIST A FLAG AND EVEN 388 00:20:33,148 --> 00:20:35,108 STEAL ICE-CREAM FROM CHILDREN. 389 00:20:35,192 --> 00:20:38,779 I'M GUESSING THAT'S A SHORT EPISODE: "HEY, GIVE MY KIDS BACK 390 00:20:38,862 --> 00:20:40,322 THEIR ICE CR-- YOU KNOW WHAT? 391 00:20:40,405 --> 00:20:44,326 IT'S ALL YOURS." 392 00:20:44,409 --> 00:20:46,787 THAT'S GOOD. 393 00:20:46,870 --> 00:20:47,996 JIMMY, RUN. 394 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:48,956 THE SHOW IS GETTING A LOT OF CRITICISM, BUT ONE PSYCHOLOGIST 395 00:20:49,039 --> 00:20:51,166 THINKS THE CONCERN IS UNNECESSARY, SAYING, THE 396 00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:52,793 CHARACTER "JOHN DILLERMAND TALKS TO CHILDREN AND SHARES THEIR WAY 397 00:20:52,876 --> 00:20:55,462 OF THINKING-- AND KIDS DO FIND GENITALS FUNNY." 398 00:20:55,545 --> 00:20:59,049 JUST BECAUSE KIDS THINK SOMETHING'S FUNNY DOESN'T 399 00:20:59,132 --> 00:21:00,342 MEAN IT'S A GOOD IDEA FOR TV. 400 00:21:00,425 --> 00:21:05,180 OTHERWISE, THE MOST SUCCESSFUL KIDS' SHOW WOULD'VE BEEN "MR. 401 00:21:05,263 --> 00:21:10,185 ROGERS GETS WRACKED IN THE SACK." 402 00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:12,396 QUARANTINE-WHILE, "JEFF BEZOS JUST NAMED A HUGE ROCKET 403 00:21:12,479 --> 00:21:15,232 RECOVERY SHIP AFTER HIS MOM," JACLYN. 404 00:21:15,315 --> 00:21:16,108 GREAT FOR JEFF BEZOS. 405 00:21:16,191 --> 00:21:19,611 SUCKS IF YOU'RE HIS BROTHER, MARK BEZOS. 406 00:21:19,695 --> 00:21:23,156 (AS MOM) "THANK YOU FOR PUTTING MY NAME 407 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:24,700 ON YOUR GIANT SPACESHIP BOAT, JEFFREY. 408 00:21:24,783 --> 00:21:26,368 AND WHAT DID YOU GET ME, MARK? 409 00:21:26,451 --> 00:21:28,412 OOH, YANKEE CANDLE? 410 00:21:28,495 --> 00:21:32,332 THAT'S... 411 00:21:32,416 --> 00:21:33,458 GOOD." 412 00:21:33,542 --> 00:21:35,210 QUARANTINE-WHILE, IF YOU'RE ONE OF MILLIONS OF AMERICANS 413 00:21:35,293 --> 00:21:40,424 FIGHTING TO STAVE OFF FINANCIAL RUIN, YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS: 414 00:21:40,507 --> 00:21:42,926 "WITH A NET WORTH OF MORE THAN $185 BILLION, ELON MUSK IS NOW 415 00:21:43,010 --> 00:21:47,180 THE RICHEST PERSON IN THE WORLD, PASSING JEFF BEZOS." 416 00:21:47,264 --> 00:21:48,390 NEAT! 417 00:21:48,473 --> 00:21:52,561 HE CAN PUT HIS MOM'S NAME ON HIS ROCKETS! 418 00:21:52,644 --> 00:21:56,398 THEN, JEFF'S MOM'S ROCKET-CATCHING BOAT CAN CATCH 419 00:21:56,481 --> 00:21:59,067 THEM WHILE ALSO CATCHING JEFF'S ROCKETS AND THEY CAN HAVE A 420 00:21:59,151 --> 00:22:00,402 BILLIONAIRE SPACE-ROCKET BOAT-CATCHING PARTY, AND THIS 421 00:22:00,485 --> 00:22:07,034 COUNTRY IS SO SCREWED. 422 00:22:07,117 --> 00:22:09,244 QUARANTINE-WHILE, JAPAN IS SEEKING TO BOOST ITS BIRTHRATE 423 00:22:09,327 --> 00:22:11,246 BY FUNDING THE USE OF ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE TO HELP MATCH 424 00:22:11,329 --> 00:22:12,539 LONELY HEARTS. 425 00:22:12,622 --> 00:22:15,042 THAT'LL BE FUN TO TELL THE KIDS. 426 00:22:15,125 --> 00:22:18,462 "DAD, WHEN DID YOU KNOW YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH MOM?" 427 00:22:18,545 --> 00:22:24,051 "WELL, SON, I KNEW WHEN THE GOVERNMENT ROBOT SAID SO." 428 00:22:24,134 --> 00:22:28,930 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH RACHEL BROSNAHAN. 429 00:22:29,014 --> 00:22:31,183 ♪♪♪ 430 00:22:40,567 --> 00:22:41,777 >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. 431 00:22:41,860 --> 00:22:45,530 MY GUEST TONIGHT IS THE EMMY AND GOLDEN GLOBE AWARD-WINNING STAR 432 00:22:45,614 --> 00:22:48,283 OF "THE MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL." 433 00:22:48,366 --> 00:22:51,578 HER LATEST FILM IS "I'M YOUR WOMAN." 434 00:22:51,661 --> 00:22:54,790 >> SO I'M SUPPOSED TO LIVE, YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE FOR YOU DON'T 435 00:22:54,873 --> 00:22:58,835 KNOW HOW LONG AND ALSO YOU DON'T KNOW IF EDDIE IS OKAY. 436 00:22:58,919 --> 00:22:59,628 JUST LET ME CALL HIM. 437 00:22:59,711 --> 00:23:02,631 LET HIM BE THE ONE TO EXPLAIN IT. 438 00:23:02,714 --> 00:23:03,673 >> YOU CAN'T. 439 00:23:03,757 --> 00:23:05,509 'RE TALKING ABOUT MY HUSBAND. 440 00:23:05,592 --> 00:23:09,971 YOU CAN'T CALL HIM BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS WHERE HE IS. 441 00:23:10,055 --> 00:23:14,142 >> IS ANYBODY LOOKING? 442 00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:14,851 EVERYONE'S LOOKING. 443 00:23:14,935 --> 00:23:20,482 AND THEY'RE LOOKING FOR YOU, TOO. 444 00:23:20,565 --> 00:23:24,277 >> NICE HOUSE. 445 00:23:24,361 --> 00:23:26,321 NEAR A PARK. 446 00:23:26,404 --> 00:23:31,493 I LIKE TO TAKE WALKS WITH A STROLLER. 447 00:23:31,576 --> 00:23:35,997 >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW," RACHEL 448 00:23:36,081 --> 00:23:37,499 BROSNAHAN. 449 00:23:37,582 --> 00:23:40,043 HEY, RACHEL. 450 00:23:40,127 --> 00:23:40,836 >> HI, HOW ARE YOU IN. 451 00:23:40,919 --> 00:23:42,838 >> Stephen: I'M DOING OKAY. 452 00:23:42,921 --> 00:23:44,506 HOW ARE YOU DOING? 453 00:23:44,589 --> 00:23:45,549 HAPPY 2021. 454 00:23:45,632 --> 00:23:51,513 >> I FEEL LIKE WE NEED TO START 2021 IN FEBRUARY. 455 00:23:51,596 --> 00:23:53,849 LET'S THROW JANUARY BACK TO 2020. 456 00:23:53,932 --> 00:23:54,349 THEY CAN HAVE IT. 457 00:23:54,432 --> 00:23:55,100 >> Stephen: SURE. 458 00:23:55,183 --> 00:23:57,310 HOW DID YOU RING IN THE NEW YEAR? 459 00:23:57,394 --> 00:24:05,026 >> SO I HAVE BEEN A LITTLE FAMILY UPON SINCE MARCH. 460 00:24:05,110 --> 00:24:10,574 A FEW OF US THOUGHT, WE HAVEN'T WORN HEART PANS SINCE MARCH -- 461 00:24:10,657 --> 00:24:13,577 >> Stephen: FORGIVE ME, WHAT ARE HARD PANTS? 462 00:24:13,660 --> 00:24:17,330 >> OKAY, SO I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT MAKE THIS UP BUT IT'S MY 463 00:24:17,414 --> 00:24:18,540 FAVORITE DESCRIPTOR. 464 00:24:18,623 --> 00:24:22,711 I'M SURE SOMEONE BRILLIANT ON TWITTER CAME UP WITH THIS BUT 465 00:24:22,794 --> 00:24:25,422 HARD PANTS ARE ANYTHING BUT YOGA PNTS, LEGGINGS -- 466 00:24:25,505 --> 00:24:29,885 >> Stephen: ARE THESE HARD PANTS? 467 00:24:29,968 --> 00:24:33,054 >> STEPHEN -- YES. 468 00:24:33,138 --> 00:24:33,638 WOW. 469 00:24:33,722 --> 00:24:34,181 >> Stephen: THEY'RE JEANS. 470 00:24:34,264 --> 00:24:35,891 ARE JEANS HARD PANTS? 471 00:24:35,974 --> 00:24:37,058 >> YES. 472 00:24:37,142 --> 00:24:39,561 LISTEN, I'VE GOT A DRESS ON AND UNDERNEATH IT I'M WEARING 473 00:24:39,644 --> 00:24:40,604 LEGGINGS, STILL. 474 00:24:40,687 --> 00:24:43,565 SO, YES, WE THOUGHT WE WOULD GET A LITTLE DRESSED UP. 475 00:24:43,648 --> 00:24:48,028 WE DIDN'T PUT ON HARD PANTS, BUT WE PUT ON SOME, YOU KNOW, SHINY 476 00:24:48,111 --> 00:24:49,571 DRESSES AND IT LASTED FOR ABOUT AN HOUR. 477 00:24:49,654 --> 00:24:53,575 WE WERE, LIKE, LET'S TAKE SOME PICTURES AND THEN PROMPTLY 478 00:24:53,658 --> 00:25:00,624 RIPPED EVERYTHING OFF AND PUT OUR PAJ PAJAMAS ON AND PLAYED CA 479 00:25:00,707 --> 00:25:05,295 AND WATCHED THE NEW YEAR'S BALL DROP. 480 00:25:05,378 --> 00:25:06,713 >> Stephen: SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD TIME. 481 00:25:06,796 --> 00:25:07,881 >> VERY STRANGE BUT A GOOD TIME. 482 00:25:07,964 --> 00:25:09,674 >> Stephen: ARE YOU A RESOLUTIONS SORT OF PERSON? 483 00:25:09,758 --> 00:25:12,969 >> YEAH, I TRY TO MAKE A RESOLUTION. 484 00:25:13,053 --> 00:25:17,098 I'VE MADE THE SAME RESOLUTION FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS. 485 00:25:17,182 --> 00:25:20,435 I'M STILL WORKING ON IT, BUT, YOU KNOW, WE HAVE TO CONTINUE TO 486 00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:22,103 WORK ON THESE THINGS. 487 00:25:22,187 --> 00:25:24,105 >> Stephen: COME ON, GIVE IT UP. 488 00:25:24,189 --> 00:25:29,986 >> I HAVE RESOLVED, IN 2021 THAT STARTS IN FEBRUARY,ED TO BE FIVE 489 00:25:30,070 --> 00:25:35,450 MINUTES EARLY INSTEAD OF FIVE MINUTES LATE, AND, SECONDLY, TO 490 00:25:35,533 --> 00:25:39,621 RETURN E-MAILS AND TEXT MESSAGES IN A MUCH TIMELIER FASHION, 491 00:25:39,704 --> 00:25:44,793 WHICH I DID A LITTLE BIT OF TODAY AND I FINALLY GOT UNDER 492 00:25:44,876 --> 00:25:46,628 10,000, WHICH FEELS LIKE A BIG WIN. 493 00:25:46,711 --> 00:25:47,837 >> Stephen: WOW. 494 00:25:47,921 --> 00:25:50,507 TIMELY FASHION IS A HIGH BAR. 495 00:25:50,590 --> 00:25:55,470 RESPOND AT ALL IS MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION. 496 00:25:55,553 --> 00:26:01,810 I FIGURE IF IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT, A LAWYER WILL CONTACT 497 00:26:01,893 --> 00:26:02,269 ME. 498 00:26:02,352 --> 00:26:03,436 >> PROBABLY TRUE. 499 00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:06,231 >> Stephen: THE AUTHORITIES, I WILL GET A SUBPOENA IF IT'S 500 00:26:06,314 --> 00:26:06,815 REALLY IMPORTANT. 501 00:26:06,898 --> 00:26:07,983 >> YOU WILL KNOW, YEAH. 502 00:26:08,066 --> 00:26:11,653 >> Stephen: YOU DID SOMETHING THAT I'M A LITTLE JEALOUS OF. 503 00:26:11,736 --> 00:26:15,156 I HAVE BEEN VERY CURIOUS YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND -- WHAT'S YOUR 504 00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:17,200 HUSBAND'S NAME? 505 00:26:17,284 --> 00:26:17,867 >> JASON. 506 00:26:17,951 --> 00:26:19,619 >> Stephen: YOU AND JASON DID. 507 00:26:19,703 --> 00:26:25,000 DID YOU BUY OR RENT AN R.V.? 508 00:26:25,083 --> 00:26:26,042 >> RENT AN R.V. 509 00:26:26,126 --> 00:26:27,168 >> Stephen: OKAY. 510 00:26:27,252 --> 00:26:30,338 TOUGH IT MADE US WANT TO GIVE UP OUR HOUSE AND MAYBE MOVE 511 00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:31,339 IN AT SOME POINT. 512 00:26:31,423 --> 00:26:33,633 >> Stephen: SO THE TWO OF YOU AND DOGS? 513 00:26:33,717 --> 00:26:34,217 >> AND DOGS. 514 00:26:34,301 --> 00:26:37,512 >> Stephen: HOW MANY DOGS. 515 00:26:37,595 --> 00:26:38,638 TWO DOGS. 516 00:26:38,722 --> 00:26:41,433 >> Stephen: AND WERE YOU THE DESIGNATED DRIVER OR ARE YOU 517 00:26:41,516 --> 00:26:43,893 NAVIGATOR OR DEEJAY OR WHAT ARE YOU? 518 00:26:43,977 --> 00:26:48,648 >> I'M THE DESIGNATED DEEJAY/MAKER OF SANDWICHES. 519 00:26:48,732 --> 00:26:49,816 >> Stephen: WOW. 520 00:26:49,899 --> 00:26:56,448 I'VE ALWAYS BEEN CURIOUS, HAVE YOU -- LIKE YOU EVER MAKE A 521 00:26:56,531 --> 00:27:00,035 GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH AT, LIKE, 70 MILES AN HOUR? 522 00:27:00,118 --> 00:27:03,204 ( LAUGHTER ) >> I WAS REALLY TEMPTED. 523 00:27:03,288 --> 00:27:08,168 THE STOVE IS RIGHT THERE, BUT I WASN'T SURE IF I WOULD EXPLODE 524 00:27:08,251 --> 00:27:11,713 THE R.V. IF I TURNED ON THE GAS WHILE IT WAS GOING. 525 00:27:11,796 --> 00:27:15,258 I GOT GOOD AT CONDIMENT JUGGLING. 526 00:27:15,342 --> 00:27:18,428 YOU QUICKLY LAY OUT THE SANDWICH, YOU PULL OUT THE 527 00:27:18,511 --> 00:27:19,679 BREAD. 528 00:27:19,763 --> 00:27:24,726 AND WHEN YOU HIT A POINT WHERE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO MAKE A TURN, 529 00:27:24,809 --> 00:27:28,563 YOU TOP THE FRIDGE, GET IT OUT AND CLOSE IT AGAIN. 530 00:27:28,646 --> 00:27:31,608 THEN BUTTER OR MAYO THE WHOLE SANDWICH. 531 00:27:31,691 --> 00:27:35,028 IT'S A PROCESS BUT I'M PROUD TO HAVE MADE MANY SANDWICHES. 532 00:27:35,111 --> 00:27:37,072 >> Stephen: I HAVE TO ASK ANOTHER QUESTION. 533 00:27:37,155 --> 00:27:37,781 LOOK AT THIS AGAIN. 534 00:27:37,864 --> 00:27:45,205 IS THAT MARBLE COUNTERTOPS? 535 00:27:45,288 --> 00:27:48,208 >> VERY FAUX MARBLE COUNTERTOPS. 536 00:27:48,291 --> 00:27:50,627 I'M SURE SOME HAVE IT. 537 00:27:50,710 --> 00:27:53,755 DOESN'T WILL SMITH HAVE ONE OF THOSE THAT HAS SIX LAYERS AND 538 00:27:53,838 --> 00:27:54,923 MARBLE EVERYTHING. 539 00:27:55,006 --> 00:27:58,468 >> Stephen: I'M NOT GOING TO SIT HERE ON TV AND SAY WILL 540 00:27:58,551 --> 00:27:59,928 SMITH DOESN'T HAVE SOMETHING. 541 00:28:00,011 --> 00:28:02,931 I'M GUESSING WHATEVER YOU NAME WILL SMITH HAS. 542 00:28:03,014 --> 00:28:03,890 WHAT'S IT DRIVE LIKE? 543 00:28:03,973 --> 00:28:06,559 IT DRIVES LIKE A DREAM, I GUESS. 544 00:28:06,643 --> 00:28:10,230 I BET IT CORNERS LIKE A MASERATI. 545 00:28:10,313 --> 00:28:11,606 >> IT CORNERS LIKE A TOUR BUS. 546 00:28:11,689 --> 00:28:12,649 >> Stephen: OKAY. 547 00:28:12,732 --> 00:28:16,236 YOU KNOW, YOU NEED TO TAKE THOSE TURNS PRETTY WIDE. 548 00:28:16,319 --> 00:28:21,324 I ONLY DROVE THE THING ON PRETTY WIDE COUNTRY, YOU KNOW, NO ONE 549 00:28:21,408 --> 00:28:22,951 AROUND COUNTRY HIGHWAYS, COUNTY HIGHWAYS. 550 00:28:23,034 --> 00:28:27,330 >> Stephen: NOW, LIVING WITH ANYONE IS AN INTIMATE 551 00:28:27,414 --> 00:28:28,331 EXPERIENCE. 552 00:28:28,415 --> 00:28:30,166 YOU KNOW, YOU GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER PRETTY WELL. 553 00:28:30,250 --> 00:28:31,334 >> YES. 554 00:28:31,418 --> 00:28:33,795 >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU LEARN BY LIVING WITH SOMEONE IN AN 555 00:28:33,878 --> 00:28:34,462 R.V.? 556 00:28:34,546 --> 00:28:36,172 >> YOU LEARN A LOT ABOUT POOP. 557 00:28:36,256 --> 00:28:37,465 >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT. 558 00:28:37,549 --> 00:28:38,633 A LOT. 559 00:28:38,716 --> 00:28:43,346 >> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT WE CALL IN THE BUSINESS A GRABBER. 560 00:28:43,430 --> 00:28:44,013 GO ON. 561 00:28:44,097 --> 00:28:45,306 >> YOU POOP IN CLOSE QUARTERS. 562 00:28:45,390 --> 00:28:47,684 YOU LEARN EXACTLY WHAT TIME DURING THE DAY OR THE DRIVE 563 00:28:47,767 --> 00:28:49,519 SOMEONE NEEDS TO POOP. 564 00:28:49,602 --> 00:28:52,730 YOU LEARN WHO'S COMFORTABLE WITH POOP. 565 00:28:52,814 --> 00:28:54,858 HAVING DOGS -- DO YOU HAVE DOGS, STEPHEN? 566 00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:55,984 >> Stephen: I DO. 567 00:28:56,067 --> 00:28:56,818 I DO. 568 00:28:56,901 --> 00:28:57,819 >> YOU GET PRETTY COMFORTABLE WITH POOP. 569 00:28:57,902 --> 00:29:00,822 >> Stephen: WITH DOG POOP. 570 00:29:00,905 --> 00:29:02,699 YOU PICK UP THE POOP WITH YOUR HANDS. 571 00:29:02,782 --> 00:29:08,496 BUT, YES, SOMEONE HAS TO -- THE LESS GLAMOROUS PART THAT THEY 572 00:29:08,580 --> 00:29:09,956 DON'T TELL YOU ABOUT R.V. 573 00:29:10,039 --> 00:29:14,961 CAMPING IS THE EMPTYING OF THE SEWAGE EVERY DAY PART. 574 00:29:15,044 --> 00:29:19,674 FOR SOME REASON OUR LITTLE SEWAGE HOSE HAD A -- THE WHOLE 575 00:29:19,757 --> 00:29:23,344 THING WAS NOT CLEAR, AND THEN RIGHT AT THE END BEFORE IT WENT 576 00:29:23,428 --> 00:29:27,807 INTO THE HOLE, THERE WAS ABOUT THIS MUCH CLEAR, SO WHOEVER DID 577 00:29:27,891 --> 00:29:31,811 THE SEWAGE GOT A REALLY GOOD LOOK AT EVERYTHING THAT WAS IN 578 00:29:31,895 --> 00:29:32,812 THERE RIGHT BEFORE IT WENT INTO THE GROUND. 579 00:29:32,896 --> 00:29:35,648 >> Stephen: OH, EXCELLENT. 580 00:29:35,732 --> 00:29:38,610 AND AS IT GETS COLDER, THE OTHER THING THEY DON'T TELL YOU 581 00:29:38,693 --> 00:29:41,988 IS THAT, AS THE WEATHER TURNS, THAT POOP QUITE LITERALLY 582 00:29:42,071 --> 00:29:43,823 FREEZES, CAN FREEZE. 583 00:29:43,907 --> 00:29:45,033 >> Stephen: WOW. 584 00:29:45,116 --> 00:29:46,951 YOU KNOW, I HEARD THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS ON THE SPACE SHUTTLE, 585 00:29:47,035 --> 00:29:47,410 TOO. 586 00:29:47,494 --> 00:29:48,620 >> IS THAT RIGHT? 587 00:29:48,703 --> 00:29:50,747 >> Stephen: YEAH, SOMETIMES THEY CAN'T DISCHARGE IT OUT INTO 588 00:29:50,830 --> 00:29:53,374 SPACE BECAUSE IT FREEZES. 589 00:29:53,458 --> 00:29:54,626 >> THAT'S RIGHT. 590 00:29:54,709 --> 00:29:58,713 >> Stephen: YOU GUYS ARE KIND OF LIKE ASTRONAUTS BUT ON EARTH. 591 00:29:58,796 --> 00:30:01,716 >> WE'RE JUST AS SMART AS THEY ARE, TOO, DEFINITELY. 592 00:30:01,799 --> 00:30:06,679 >> Stephen: RACHEL, WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK BUT WHEN WE 593 00:30:06,763 --> 00:30:09,098 RETURN I WILL SHOW YOU A VIDEO OF ONE TO HAVE THE CREEPIEST 594 00:30:09,182 --> 00:30:09,516 BABIES YOU WILL EVER SEE. 595 00:30:09,599 --> 00:30:11,392 STICK AROUND. 596 00:30:11,476 --> 00:30:13,019 ♪♪♪ 597 00:30:23,029 --> 00:30:24,197 ♪♪♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 598 00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:28,952 WE'RE BACK WITH THE STAR OF "THE MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL," RACHEL 599 00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:30,119 BROSNAHAN. 600 00:30:30,203 --> 00:30:34,958 THE MOVIE "I'M YOUR WOMAN," YOU'RE ON THE RUN WITH A BABY. 601 00:30:35,041 --> 00:30:37,043 WHAT WAS THAT LIKE? 602 00:30:37,126 --> 00:30:44,717 THAT LOOKED LIKE A REAL BABY IN THE CLIP. 603 00:30:44,801 --> 00:30:46,469 >> A BABY IN THE RAIN. 604 00:30:46,553 --> 00:30:50,932 A REAL BABY PLAYED BY TWINS JUSTIN AND JAMISON CHARLES WHO 605 00:30:51,015 --> 00:30:56,563 OUTSHINE EVERY ACTOR IN THIS MOVIE. 606 00:30:56,646 --> 00:31:01,401 YEAH, BABIES ARE ADORABLE, AND HIGHLY UNPROFESSIONAL. 607 00:31:01,484 --> 00:31:04,487 THEY KNOW THEIR LINES, THEY HAVEN'T READ THE SCRIPT, THEY 608 00:31:04,571 --> 00:31:06,614 FALL ASLEEP ON SET. 609 00:31:06,698 --> 00:31:08,116 IT'S INCREDIBLY RUDE. 610 00:31:08,199 --> 00:31:11,953 BUT IT WAS A REALLY AMAZING EXPERIENCE, ACTUALLY. 611 00:31:12,036 --> 00:31:15,790 THERE'S MOMENTS -- YOU KNOW, BABIES ARE JUST LIVING THEIR 612 00:31:15,873 --> 00:31:20,003 LIVES AND THERE'S MOMENTS YOU COULDN'T HAVE DREAMED YOU WILL 613 00:31:20,086 --> 00:31:23,965 CAPTURE ON CAMERA THAT REALLY END UP ENRICHING THE FILM. 614 00:31:24,048 --> 00:31:27,427 >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE BABIES AWAKE SOME TIME? 615 00:31:27,510 --> 00:31:28,303 >> YES. 616 00:31:28,386 --> 00:31:30,513 THEY DO QUITE LITERALLY FALL ASLEEP ON SET. 617 00:31:30,597 --> 00:31:31,973 THEY'RE ON THEIR OWN SCHEDULE, THEY NEED TO NAP. 618 00:31:32,056 --> 00:31:35,977 >> Stephen: DO YOU POKE THEM WITH SOMETHING? 619 00:31:36,060 --> 00:31:37,061 WHAT DO YOU DO? 620 00:31:37,145 --> 00:31:37,937 >> NO. 621 00:31:38,021 --> 00:31:39,939 IS THAT HOW YOU WAKE UP A SLEEPING BABY? 622 00:31:40,023 --> 00:31:42,609 >> Stephen: WELL, A LITTLE BIT. 623 00:31:42,692 --> 00:31:43,067 POKE 'EM. 624 00:31:43,151 --> 00:31:44,986 WAKE UP, BE CUTE. 625 00:31:45,069 --> 00:31:48,615 TICK TOCK, BABY, WE'RE BURNING DAYLIGHT! 626 00:31:48,698 --> 00:31:49,532 THIS IS UNION! 627 00:31:49,616 --> 00:31:52,619 >> NO, THIS WAS MUCH GENTLER, PER THE UNION. 628 00:31:52,702 --> 00:32:00,543 WE WOKE UP A SLEEPING BABY, WHICH I CAN'T EVEN SAY OUT LOUD, 629 00:32:00,627 --> 00:32:06,674 BUT WE WOKE OUR SLEEPING BABIES WITH A STIRRING RENDITION OF 630 00:32:06,758 --> 00:32:07,842 "BABY SHARK." 631 00:32:07,925 --> 00:32:13,848 WE WANTED THEM TO WAKE UP HAPPY TO THEIR MOM WOULD SING BABY 632 00:32:13,931 --> 00:32:16,059 SHARK, AND THEN YOU GET THESE GRUFFS PITTSBURGH DRIFTS AND 633 00:32:16,142 --> 00:32:20,688 ELECTRICS, SINGING AND EVERYONE JOINED IN, IT WAS A COMMUNAL 634 00:32:20,772 --> 00:32:28,071 EXPERIENCE, AND THEY WOKE UP HAPPY. 635 00:32:28,154 --> 00:32:31,699 >> Stephen: DO YOU LITERALLY HAVE TO FLEE AT TIMES WITH THIS 636 00:32:31,783 --> 00:32:32,909 BABY? 637 00:32:32,992 --> 00:32:34,369 BECAUSE IT SEEMS IT WOULD BE DANGEROUS TO LITERALLY RUN WITH 638 00:32:34,452 --> 00:32:35,370 A BABY. 639 00:32:35,453 --> 00:32:39,040 >> NO, WHEN WE TO THE ACTION-PACKED SCENES AND THE 640 00:32:39,123 --> 00:32:41,376 MORE DANGEROUS STUFF, WE HAVE A FAKE BABY. 641 00:32:41,459 --> 00:32:45,171 BUT THIS IS NOT YOUR CLINT EASTWOOD FAKE BABY. 642 00:32:45,254 --> 00:32:49,592 THESE THINGS -- >> Stephen: IS CLINT EASTWOOD 643 00:32:49,676 --> 00:32:51,052 KNOWN FOR FAKE BABIES? 644 00:32:51,135 --> 00:32:56,391 I MISSED THAT DIRTY HARRY SCENE. 645 00:32:56,474 --> 00:32:59,060 >> CLINT ESTWOOD IN A MOVIE -- >> Stephen: HAS A BABY? 646 00:32:59,143 --> 00:33:02,063 YES, THE WORST FAKE BABY IN EXISTENCE. 647 00:33:02,146 --> 00:33:05,066 >> Stephen: I THINK THAT'S AN ORANGUTAN. 648 00:33:05,149 --> 00:33:10,071 >> NO, IT'S LIKE A LITTLE PLASTIC BABY DOLL. 649 00:33:10,154 --> 00:33:12,073 IT'S IN "AMERICAN SNIPER," THE LITTLE THING -- 650 00:33:12,156 --> 00:33:13,074 >> Stephen: I HEAR GOOD THINGS. 651 00:33:13,157 --> 00:33:13,700 I HAVEN'T SEEN IT. 652 00:33:13,783 --> 00:33:18,746 I HEAR GOOD THINGS, THOUGH. 653 00:33:18,830 --> 00:33:21,958 >> -- THE MOVIE WAS, THE FAKE BABY WAS INEXCUSABLE. 654 00:33:22,041 --> 00:33:26,087 WE DID NOT SKIMP ON THE FAKE BABY. 655 00:33:26,170 --> 00:33:30,216 THEY TOOK PICTURES OF THE REAL BABIES AND THEY MADE THIS 656 00:33:30,299 --> 00:33:34,053 SILICONE ABOMINATION THAT WAS BRILLIANT AND PERFECT AS WE 657 00:33:34,137 --> 00:33:38,975 NEEDED IT, BUT THEY ARE SO SCA SCARY. 658 00:33:39,058 --> 00:33:41,477 >> Stephen: I THINK WE HAVE -- IS THIS VIDEO OR PHOTOS? 659 00:33:41,561 --> 00:33:42,937 I THINK IT'S VIDEO. 660 00:33:43,020 --> 00:33:43,438 TAKE A LOOK. 661 00:33:43,521 --> 00:33:44,439 I THINK WE HAVE THIS. 662 00:33:44,522 --> 00:33:46,107 I DON'T KNOW IF RACHEL WILL PAYABLE TO SEE THIS. 663 00:33:46,190 --> 00:33:48,609 CAN YOU SEE THIS? 664 00:33:48,693 --> 00:33:52,238 THAT LOOKS LIKE A REAL -- ( GROWLING ) 665 00:33:52,321 --> 00:33:53,448 THAT'S A FAKE BABY? 666 00:33:53,531 --> 00:34:03,458 >> THAT'S A FAKE BABY, WITH A REAL SQUISHY LITTLE FEET AND -- 667 00:34:03,541 --> 00:34:04,584 UUUUGH! 668 00:34:04,667 --> 00:34:06,294 >> Stephen: I HAVE NO DOUBT THIS IS A FANTASTIC MOVIE. 669 00:34:06,377 --> 00:34:09,380 THAT'S ONE TO HAVE THE MOST HORRIFYING THINGS I'VE EVER 670 00:34:09,464 --> 00:34:10,298 SEEN. 671 00:34:10,381 --> 00:34:11,299 >> THAT THING HAUNTS ME IN MY NIGHTMARES. 672 00:34:11,382 --> 00:34:14,469 IT HAS A LITTLE BIT OF DIRT ON ITS NOSE -- WHOO! 673 00:34:14,552 --> 00:34:18,181 >> Stephen: RACHEL BROSNAHAN, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING 674 00:34:18,264 --> 00:34:18,973 HERE! 675 00:34:19,056 --> 00:34:21,809 >> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME. 676 00:34:21,893 --> 00:34:24,645 >> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW? 677 00:34:24,729 --> 00:34:26,147 OR WHAT DO YOU DO AFTER THIS? 678 00:34:26,230 --> 00:34:27,774 WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THIS? 679 00:34:27,857 --> 00:34:31,819 I REALIZE I HAVE BEEN INTERVIEWING PEOPLE ON ZOOM FOR 680 00:34:31,903 --> 00:34:34,113 THIS SHOW IN COVID FOR TEN MONTHS NOW, AND I HAVE NEVER 681 00:34:34,197 --> 00:34:38,826 ONCE ASKED A GUEST, WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW? 682 00:34:38,910 --> 00:34:42,163 >> IN THE MOST APPROPRIATE FASHION, I'M GOING TO RIP THIS 683 00:34:42,246 --> 00:34:46,125 DRESS OFF AND PUT ON ALL THE SWEATS, TAKE ALL OF THIS MAKEUP 684 00:34:46,209 --> 00:34:52,131 OFF, NO ONE WAKES UP LIKE THIS, AND PLAY ANIMAL CROSSING? 685 00:34:52,215 --> 00:34:55,468 >> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS GREAT. 686 00:34:55,551 --> 00:34:57,553 WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO NOW OR DARE I EVEN ASK? 687 00:34:57,637 --> 00:34:59,680 >> Stephen: WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW? 688 00:34:59,764 --> 00:35:02,183 I'M GOING TO TAKE OUT THIS EAR PIECE RIGHT HERE. 689 00:35:02,266 --> 00:35:05,019 I'M ALSO IN THE LEAST APPROPRIATE WAY POSSIBLE, I'M 690 00:35:05,103 --> 00:35:09,148 GOING TO TEAR OFF THIS CLOTHING, AND I WOULD -- I WOULD SAY I WAS 691 00:35:09,232 --> 00:35:13,653 GOING TO DRINK BECAUSE I NORMALLY DO ENJOY LIQUOR, BUT MY 692 00:35:13,736 --> 00:35:16,489 WIFE SAID LET'S DO A DRY JANUARY. 693 00:35:16,572 --> 00:35:18,241 AND I SAID, YES, LIKE A DUMMY. 694 00:35:18,324 --> 00:35:23,079 AND THEN THIS WEEK -- TWO NIGHTS AGO, SHE SAID TO ME, OH, YOU'RE 695 00:35:23,162 --> 00:35:26,916 IN SUCH A BAD MOOD, JUST HAVE A DRINK. 696 00:35:26,999 --> 00:35:31,671 I SAID, I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE IN ON DAY FOUR! 697 00:35:31,754 --> 00:35:34,382 >> SHE WAS, LIKE, PLEASE, PLEASE >> Stephen: YES, SHE REALLY 698 00:35:34,465 --> 00:35:38,052 WANTS ME TO GIVE IN AND I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT NOW. 699 00:35:38,135 --> 00:35:40,930 INSTEAD, I'M GOING TO DO A RAIL OF METH -- 700 00:35:41,013 --> 00:35:41,973 >> YEP. 701 00:35:42,056 --> 00:35:46,018 >> Stephen: -- AND I'M GOING TO GO TO A COCK FIGHT. 702 00:35:46,102 --> 00:35:46,394 >> GREAT. 703 00:35:46,477 --> 00:35:46,894 SEE YOU THERE. 704 00:35:46,978 --> 00:35:47,311 >> Stephen: EXACTLY. 705 00:35:47,395 --> 00:35:47,770 SEE YOU THERE. 706 00:35:47,854 --> 00:35:49,397 YOU AND JASON? 707 00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:50,022 >> YEAH. 708 00:35:50,106 --> 00:35:52,525 >> Stephen: OKAY, FANTASTIC. 709 00:35:52,608 --> 00:35:53,276 GREAT. 710 00:35:53,359 --> 00:35:58,698 I LOVE THIS FOR US. 711 00:35:58,781 --> 00:36:00,741 >> STEPHEN: "I'M YOUR WOMAN" AND IS AVAILABLE ON AMAZON. 712 00:36:00,825 --> 00:36:02,076 RACHEL BROSNAHAN, EVERYBODY. 713 00:36:02,159 --> 00:36:04,287 WE'LL BE BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY JULIEN BAKER. 714 00:36:04,370 --> 00:36:06,372 THANK YOU, RACHEL. 715 00:36:06,455 --> 00:36:06,497 ♪♪♪ 716 00:36:29,395 --> 00:36:31,314 >> Stephen: AND NOW PERFORMING "FAITH HEALER" FROM 717 00:36:31,397 --> 00:36:41,324 HER FORTHCOMING ALBUM, "LITTLE OBLIVIONS," JULIEN BAKER! 718 00:36:41,407 --> 00:36:56,923 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 719 00:36:57,006 --> 00:37:01,385 ♪ OOH, I MISS IT HIGH HOW IT DULLED THE TERROR 720 00:37:01,469 --> 00:37:06,182 ♪ AND THE BEAUTY AND NOW 721 00:37:06,265 --> 00:37:13,439 ♪ I SEE EVERYTHING IN STARTLING INTENSITY 722 00:37:13,522 --> 00:37:20,988 ♪ OH, WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE IF IT WOULD TAKE AWAY 723 00:37:21,072 --> 00:37:26,994 ♪ THE STING A MINUTE EVERYTHING I LOVE 724 00:37:27,078 --> 00:37:37,004 ♪ I'D TRADE IT IN TO FEEL IT RUSH INTO MY CHEST 725 00:37:37,088 --> 00:37:45,012 ♪ I'D TRADE IT IN TO FEEL IT RUSH INTO MY CHEST 726 00:37:45,096 --> 00:37:53,396 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ THE SMOKE ALARM'S BEEN 727 00:37:53,479 --> 00:38:01,404 GOING OFF FOR WEEKS ♪ NO ONE SHOWED UP 728 00:38:01,487 --> 00:38:06,242 OH, HALF THE TIME ♪ IT ISN'T WHAT YOU 729 00:38:06,325 --> 00:38:20,339 THINK OF ♪ ♪ ♪ 730 00:38:20,423 --> 00:38:29,515 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ FAITH HEALER 731 00:38:29,598 --> 00:38:38,399 COME PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME ♪ A SNAKE OIL DEALER 732 00:38:38,482 --> 00:38:45,448 I'LL BELIEVE YOU IF ♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL SOMETHING 733 00:38:45,531 --> 00:38:57,084 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ FAITH HEALER 734 00:38:57,168 --> 00:39:03,132 COME PUT YOUR HANDS ALL OVER ME ♪ A SNAKE OIL DEALER 735 00:39:03,215 --> 00:39:13,225 I'LL BELIEVE YOU IF ♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL SOMETHING ♪ 736 00:39:13,309 --> 00:39:15,311 I'LL BELIEVE YOU IF ♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL SOMETHING ♪ 737 00:39:34,580 --> 00:39:35,498 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: JULIEN BAKER, 738 00:39:35,581 --> 00:39:38,959 EVERYBODY! 739 00:39:39,043 --> 00:39:42,838 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 740 00:39:42,922 --> 00:39:43,380 ♪ ♪ ♪ 741 00:39:50,596 --> 00:39:52,515 >> STEPHEN: WELL, THAT'S IT FOR "A LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY. 742 00:39:52,598 --> 00:39:54,517 TUNE IN TOMORROW FOR A SPECIAL FRIDAY LATE SHOW WHEN I'LL 743 00:39:54,600 --> 00:39:58,521 PRESENT THE WORLD PREMIERE OF THE "COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE" WITH 744 00:39:58,604 --> 00:40:03,526 TOM HANKS, MERYL STREEP, AND GEORGE CLOONEY. 745 00:40:03,609 --> 00:40:04,568 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 746 00:40:04,652 --> 00:40:06,779 GOOD NIGHT. 747 00:40:06,862 --> 00:40:09,615 ♪♪♪ Captioning sponsored by CBS