>> WORLD LEADERS ARE CONDEMNING THE DOMESTIC TERRORISM AT THE
U.S. CAPITOL AND POINTING THE FINGER AT PRESIDENT TRUMP.
THE ATTEMPTED COUP MAKING HEADLINES AROUND THE WORLD.
TURKEY'S FOREIGN MINISTRY ON TWITTER SAYING WE BELIEVE THAT
THE U.S. WILL OVERCOME THIS DOMESTIC POLITICAL CRISIS IN
MATURITY.
WE RECOMMEND OUR CITIZENS IN THE U.S.A. STAY AWAY FROM CROWDED
PLACES -- AGAIN, DELIBERATELY MIMICKING THE LANGUAGE THAT THE
U.S. WOULD NORMALLY USE TO WARN ITS CITIZENS IN DANGEROUS PLACES
IN THE WORLD.
♪♪♪ ♪♪♪
>> ANNOUNCER: IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: CAPITOL PUNISHMENT.
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES RACHEL BROSNAHAN AND MUSICAL
GUEST JULIEN BAKER.
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HOMIN'.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE
BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WELL, JUST WHEN WE ALL THOUGHT 2020 WAS THE WORST 12 MONTHS OF
OUR LIVES, 2021 SAID, "HOLD MY YEAR."
YOU MIGHT RECALL THAT YESTERDAY, THE OUTGOING PRESIDENT INCITED
AN INSURRECTION AND UNLEASHED AN ANGRY SEDITIOUS MOB THAT STORMED
THE U.S. CAPITOL IN AN ATTEMPT TO STAGE A VIOLENT COUP.
TO OUR WORRIED FRIENDS AND ALLIES ACROSS THE GLOBE--
REST ASSURED, AMERICA KNOWS WE HAVE A PROBLEM, AND ARE SEEKING
TREATMENT.
SOON.
BUT AS WORRIED AS OUR FRIENDS AND ALLIES MIGHT BE, YOU KNOW
WHO SOUNDS MORE WORRIED?
THE PRESIDENT.
BECAUSE JUST A LITTLE WHILE AGO, MY TAPING TIME, HE RELEASED A
VIDEO THAT, CURIOUSLY, CONTAINED NONE OF THE BRAVADO OF YESTERDAY
MORNING.
NO CRIES OF "STOP THE STEAL," NO CALLS FOR ACTION, NO FOMENTING A
MINDLESS MOB AND DECLARATIONS THAT HE WILL NEVER SURRENDER.
ALSO, NO APOLOGY OR ACCEPTANCE OF PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.
IT DEFINITELY HAS THE FEEL OF SOMEONE THAT HAS BEEN TOLD BY
THEIR LAWYER, THAT IN 13 DAYS-- OR LESS-- THEY CAN BE CHARGED
WITH INSURRECTION, SEDITION, AND INCITING VIOLENCE.
MAYBE HOMICIDE.
I DON'T KNOW.
I'M NOT A LAWYER.
I'M A CLOWN.
LIKE RUDY.
SO, I'M NOT GOING TO SHOW YOU A WORD OF IT, BECAUSE HE DOESN'T
MEAN A WORD OF IT.
A MAN FACING A NOOSE WILL SAY ANYTHING TO SAVE HIS NECK.
OR SAVE HIS SKIN.
IT'S HARD TO TELL.
THERE'S A LOT OF SKIN AROUND THAT NECK.
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW IS HE'S TERRIFIED, AND IF YOU'RE ONE OF
THE PEOPLE WHO MARCHED UP TO CAPITOL HILL ON HIS ORDERS:
YOU GET OUT YOUR FLAG, PUT ON YOUR HAT, AND YOU GIVE IT A
WATCH.
YOU ALSO MIGHT WANT TO PUT ON A CUP, BECAUSE HE THREW YOU UNDER
THE BUS THAT'S GOING TO TAKE ALL OF YOU TO JAIL.
BECAUSE WHO IS GOING TO DEFEND YOU?
OR HIM?
OR THOSE SENATORS AND CONGRESSMEN FOR WHAT YOU ALL
DID?
FOR PETE'S SAKE, THE "WALL STREET JOURNAL" EDITORIAL BOARD
JUST CALLED ON THE PRESIDENT TO RESIGN.
OVER 100 LAWMAKERS ARE CALLING FOR THE PRESIDENT'S REMOVAL.
AND TODAY, NANCY PELOSI THREATENED TO PURSUE IMPEACHMENT
IF THE PRESIDENT'S CABINET DOES NOT REMOVE HIM USING THE 25TH
AMENDMENT.
THAT IS SOME SERIOUS "ONE OF US HAS TO TAKE AWAY GRANDPA'S CAR
KEYS" ENERGY.
AND MAY I REMIND YOU, THIS CAR HAS NUCLEAR MISSILES.
FOR THOSE OF YOU READING THE CONSTITUTION WHO HAVEN'T GOTTEN
TO THE 25TH AMENDMENT YET-- SPOILER ALERT-- IT ALLOWS THE
CABINET TO REMOVE THE PRESIDENT IF THEY DECLARE HE IS UNABLE TO
DISCHARGE THE POWERS AND DUTIES OF HIS OFFICE.
THAT CHECKS OUT.
ALTHOUGH, I'M PRETTY SURE HE'S DISCHARGED PLENTY OF DUTY IN HIS
OFFICE.
BUT AS A PRACTICAL MATTER, THE VICE PRESIDENT HAS TO ORGANIZE
THE CABINET FOR A VOTE.
SO, TODAY, SPEAKER PELOSI AND SOON-TO-BE SENATE MAJORITY
LEADER CHUCK SCHUMER CALLED THE VICE PRESIDENT TO TALK ABOUT
THIS URGENT SUBJECT-- BUT WERE LEFT ON A HOLDING LINE
FOR 20 MINUTES WITHOUT MR. PENCE PICKING UP.
I BELIEVE WE HAVE THE VICE PRESIDENT'S ANSWERING
SERVICE.
>> YOU'VE REACHED THE OFFICE OF MIKE PENCE.
IF YOU WANT YOUR SON TO STOP BEING GAY, PRESS ONE.
IF YOU WANT YOUR PRESIDENT REMOVED FROM OFFICE, PLEASE
HOLD, YOUR CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS IS IMPORTANT TO US.
MOTHER, PACK THE BAGS!
( BEEP ) >> Stephen: IN THE PRESIDENT'S
VIDEO, HE SAYS THERE WILL BE AN ORDERLY TRANSITION ON
JANUARY 20."
BUT HE'S NOT SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT HE'S GOING TO DO
BEFORE THEN.
I'M GUESSING SEND A PALLET OF METH AND MACHETES TO EVERY BASS
PRO SHOP IN THE COUNTRY WITH A NOTE SAYING "MAKE ME PROUD!"
ASIDE FROM HIS FEAR OF REMOVAL OR PROSECUTION, MAYBE BABY JUST
WANTS HIS TOY BACK.
BECAUSE TWITTER LOCKED THE PRESIDENT'S ACCOUNT AFTER HIS
RIOT ON CAPITOL HILL.
GOOD TO KNOW TWITTER IS FINALLY TREATING A VIOLENCE-INCITING
FASCIST AS HARSHLY AS A TEENAGER WHO USED SEVEN SECONDS OF AN
IMAGINE DRAGONS SONG.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, BRAYDEN.
AFTER THE PRESIDENT CONTINUED TO POST LIES ABOUT THE ELECTION,
TWITTER ANNOUNCED HIS ACCOUNT WOULD BE LOCKED FOR 12 HOURS.
WHICH MEANS, LAST NIGHT, THE PRESIDENT HAD THE MOST BORING
POOPS OF HIS LIFE.
OVERALL, IT WAS A TOUGH DAY FOR THE PRESIDENT'S SOCIAL MEDIA
PRESENCE.
HE ALSO GOT BLOCKED FROM POSTING TO FACEBOOK AND INSTAGRAM
INDEFINITELY.
YOUTUBE PULLED HIS VIDEO ADDRESS TO THE RIOTERS, CITING ELECTION
MISINFORMATION, AND AMAZON BANNED HIM FROM ORDERING PIXIE
STICKS BECAUSE THEY GET HIM TOO WOUND UP BEFORE BEDTIME.
WHILE WE ARE ALL HOPING SOMEDAY THE PRESIDENT GETS HIS
COMEUPPANCE.
HE SEEMS DETERMINED TO KEEP HIS UPPANCE UN-COMED.
EARLIER TODAY WE LEARNED THE PRESIDENT HAS SUGGESTED TO AIDES
HE WANTS TO PARDON HIMSELF IN THE FINAL DAYS OF HIS
PRESIDENCY.
JUST WHAT THE FOUNDING FATHERS INTENDED.
REMINDS ME OF THAT GEORGE WASHINGTON QUOTE, "I CHOPPED
DOWN THAT CHERRY TREE AND GOT AWAY WITH IT, ( BLEEP )!
KISS MY WOODEN BALLS!" BUT HE'S NOT BEING STINGY WITH
THE GET-OUT-OF-JAIL-FREE CARDS.
REPORTEDLY, THE PRESIDENT HAS CONSIDERED A RANGE OF PREEMPTIVE
PARDONS FOR DONALD JR., ERIC, IVANKA, JARED KUSHNER, AND RUDY
GIULIANI.
NOTHING FOR MELANIA, BUT, OBVIOUSLY, SHE'S ALREADY SERVING
HARD TIME, THOUGH I'M GUESSING IT WAS PRETTY SOFT.
BUT WHILE THE WRITING SEEMS TO BE ON THE WALL FOR THIS
ADMINISTRATION, NOT EVERYONE IN CONGRESS CAN READ.
LIKE FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN AND MAN DESPERATELY HOPING FOR A
"GUYS AND DOLLS" AUDITION, MATT GAETZ.
LAST NIGHT ON THE FLOOR OF THE HOUSE, WHICH WAS STILL RIDDLED
WITH THE BROKEN GLASS OF THE PRESIDENT'S THUGS, GAETZ FLOATED
A STORY FROM THE "WASHINGTON TIMES" THAT A FACIAL RECOGNITION
COMPANY HAD SEEN THAT SOME OF THE MOB WAS REALLY ANTIFA!
THAT'S KIND OF INTERESTING.
WHAT'S MORE INTERESTING IS THE FACIAL RECOGNITION COMPANY SAID
"NO, WE DIDN'T."
THOUGH THEY DID SAY THEY I.D.'D SOME
NEO-NAZIS IN THE CROWD.
BUT IF YOU'RE GOING TO SELL THE ( BLEEP )-COVERING FANTASY THAT
THE RIOTERS WEREN'T REALLY THE PRESIDENT'S SUPPORTERS, YOU KNOW
WHAT WOULD HELP?
IF THE PRESIDENT'S SUPPORTERS WOULD STOP BRAGGING THAT THEY'RE
THE RIOTERS.
CASE IN POINT, THAT GUY WHO BROKE INTO THE SPEAKER OF THE
HOUSE'S OFFICE.
HIS NAME IS RICHARD "BIGO" BARNETT, AND HE'S THE LEADER
OF A PRO-GUN RIGHTS GROUP IN GRAVETTE, ARKANSAS.
HOW DO I KNOW THIS?
HE IDENTIFIED HIMSELF AS THE INTRUDER TO A "NEW YORK TIMES"
REPORTER.
OUR SOURCE WAS THE "NEW YORK TIMES"!
THAT WAS PRETTY DUMB.
HASN'T HE EVER SEEN THE "TIMES'" MOTTO?
"ALL THE NEWS THAT'S ADMISSIBLE IN COURT."
TIME AND TIME AGAIN, PEOPLE , THESE VIOLENT IDIOTS,
LOOKED RIGHT INTO THE CAMERA, GAVE THEIR CONTACT INFORMATION
AND SAID EXACTLY WHAT THEY WERE UP TO.
>> MA'AM, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
>> I GOT MACED.
>> YOU GOT MACED.
WHAT HAPPENED?
YOU WERE TRYING TO GO INSIDE THE CAPITOL?
>> YEAH, I MADE IT LIKE A FOOT INSIDE AND THEY PUSHED ME OUT
AND THEY MACED ME.
>> WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
>> MY NAME IS ELIZABETH, I'M FROM KNOXVILLE, TENNESSEE.
>> AND WHY DID YOU WANT TO GO IN?
>> WE'RE STORMING THE CAPITOL!
IT'S A REVOLUTION.
>> STEPHEN: IT'S A REVOLUTION, AND YOU'RE COMPLAINING THAT THEY
MACED YOU?
IN A REAL REVOLUTION, WHEN YOU LOSE, THEY CHOP YOUR ( BLEEP )
HEAD OFF!
AND THEN YOUR PIANO SCARF DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO WRAP
AROUND!
WOULDN'T THAT BE SAD?
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, ASK FAILED REVOLUTIONARY... OH,
WAIT, YOU CAN'T, BECAUSE THEY CHOPPED THEIR ( BLEEP ) HEAD
OFF!
AND THAT'S WHERE THEY KEEP THE EARS AND THE MOUTH.
REALLY POOR PLANNING ON THE WHOLE HEAD THING!
ONE OF THE PEOPLE POSTING FROM INSIDE THE INSURRECTION WAS
ACTUALLY A NEWLY-ELECTED MEMBER OF THE WEST VIRGINIA HOUSE OF
DELEGATES.
DELEGATE DERRICK EVANS STREAMED THIS VIDEO ON SOCIAL MEDIA
YESTERDAY: >> WE'RE IN!
WE'RE IN!
DERRICK EVANS IS IN THE CAPITOL!
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, IT'S NEVER A GOOD IDEA TO LIVE-STREAM YOUR
OWN CRIMES.
BUT IF YOU DO, YOU GOT TO REMEMBER NOT TO SHOUT YOUR OWN
NAME.
BANK ROBBERS DON'T SAY: "OKAY, PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG,
REAL CALM AND NO ONE GETS HURT.
OOH, YEAH!
ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL HEIST FOR DOUG SULLIVAN OF 310 RIDGEFIELD
ROAD IN MORRISVILLE, ILLINOIS, 11854."
THOSE GUYS ARE MERELY THE TIP OF THE DOUCHEBERG, WHICH IS WHY THE
F.B.I. IS ASKING FOR THE PUBLIC'S HELP IDENTIFYING
TRUMPISTS WHO STORMED CAPITOL, AND HAS SET UP A WEBSITE FOR
TIPS.
FBI.GOV/USCAPITOL.
AND I'M SURE THEY'RE BEING INUNDATED WITH USEFUL TIPS AS WE
SPEAK.
(AS F.B.I. AGENT) "OKAY, GUYS, LISTEN UP.
WE'VE GOT A HOT TIP TO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR KNOWN RIOTER SEYMOUR
BUTTS.
I WANT TO SEYMOUR BUTTS AND HIS ACCOMPLICES, MUNCH MAQUOCHY,
HARRY BALLS, AND BABA-BOOEY!
BABA-BOOEY!
HOWARD STERN'S PENIS!" LET'S GO GET 'EM!
BUT I'M A PATRIOT AND I'M WILLING TO DO MY PART.
SO THIS MORNING, I SCANNED THE PHOTOS FROM THE CAPITOL, AND I
THINK I RECOGNIZE SOME PEOPLE DESTROYING DEMOCRACY.
LIKE THIS GUY.
THAT MIGHT BE SENATOR TED CRUZ?
I WANT TO BE FAIR HERE.
IT COULD THE BLOATED CORPSE OF A DROWNED WOODCHUCK.
AND I'M PRETTY SURE THIS GUY IS MISSOURI
SENATOR JOSH HAWLEY.
I RECOGNIZE HIM FROM HIS TWITTER HANDLE, PEE WEE HERMANN GOERING.
OVER IN THE HOUSE, I THINK THIS IS MINORITY LEADER KEVIN
MCCARTHY, WHO MIGHT BE THE MOST SELF-SERVING, AMORAL PERSON IN
THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, UNLESS HE'S HOME RIGHT NOW.
I'M PRETTY SURE THIS IS MEDAL OF FREEDOM RECIPIENT DEVIN NUNES.
HARD TO RECOGNIZE HIM WITHOUT HIS LIPS ON THE PRESIDENT'S ASS.
AND ALSO I THINK I SAW THE GUY WHO'S GETTING THE MEDAL OF
FREEDOM NEXT WEEK, OHIO CONGRESSMAN JIM JORDAN.
YEAH, THAT IS DEFINITELY HIM, BUT FOLLOWING JORDAN'S EXAMPLE
ON SEXUAL ASSAULT OF COLLEGE WRESTLERS, I'M GOING TO PRETEND
I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS MRS. MAISEL HERSELF, RACHEL BROSNAHAN.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE."
STICK AROUND.
♪♪♪ >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.
JON, HOW ARE YOU?
>> Jon: MAN, YOU KNOW, I'M PROFOUNDLY DISAPPOINTED BUT NOT
SURPRISED.
>> Stephen: NO, SAME HERE.
DEEPLY SADDENED.
DEEPLY SADDENED BY THE EVENTS OF YESTERDAY.
>> Jon: IT'S -- IT'S SOMETHING THAT I HOPE DOESN'T OVERSHADOW
WHAT HAPPENED IN GEORGIA.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, WE WERE GOING TO SPEND MOST OF LAST
NIGHT TALKING ABOUT THE HISTORIC, A, FLIP OF THE STATE
TOTALLY AND THE FACT THAT RAPHAEL WARNOCK IS THE FIRST
AFRICAN-AMERICAN TO REPRESENT GEORGIA EVER IN THE SENATE.
( APPLAUSE ) IN THE SENATE.
>> Jon: YES, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THE PASTOR OF EBENEZER BAPTIST CHURCH!
>> Jon: YES, THIS IS MONUMENTAL.
THIS IS SOMETHING THAT CANNOT BE OVERSHADOWED OR OVERLOOKED IN
ANY WAY.
BUT WHAT HAPPENED AT THE CAPITOL IS SO DISHEARTENING, I JUST WANT
TO KNOW WHAT THAT KIND OF PRIVILEGE FEELS LIKE, THE
AUDACITY TO NOT EVEN HIDE YOURSELF.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
WHAT IS THAT?
>> Stephen: I HAVE A LOT OF FAMILY IN D.C., FROM A BIG
FAMILY, A LOT OF THEM IN D.C., AND A COUPLE WERE DOWN IN D.C.
TODAY AND THEY SENT ME BACK A PHOTOGRAPH RIGHT AT DUSK OF THE
CAPITOL BUILDING, ALL LIT UP IN THE BACKGROUND.
>> Jon: WHOO!
MAN...
>> Stephen: ALWAYS MOVING.
ON ANY DAY YOU COME AROUND A CORNER IN D.C. TORE THE TRAIN
STATION AND SEE THE CAPITOL BUILDING, IT'S VEG MOTTO SEE.
WHOEVER'S IN GOVERNMENT OR IN POWER, THAT SIGHT IS INCREDIBLY
MOVING TO SEE.
BUT THEY SENT ME A LITTLE NOTE TO SAY WE'RE DOWN HERE, JUST
WANT TO SEE IF SHE'S OKAY.
SHE'S DOING ALL RIGHT.
AND I THINK WE'RE GOING TO DO ALL RIGHT.
BUT WE'VE GOT TO KEEP THAT LOVE IN OUR HEART FOR OUR SHARED
VALUES, OUR SHARED LOVE OF FREEDOM, AND OUR SHARED ABILITY
TO SETTLE OUR GRIEVOUS BY DISAGREEING AT THE BALLOT BOX,
NOT WITH BULLETS.
>> Jon: WHO GETS THE MOST VOTES WINS, THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.
WE CAN FIGHT UP UNTIL THE LAST VOTE, BUT AFTER THAT WE MOVE
FORWARD TOGETHER.
THAT'S IT.
THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.
>> Stephen: JON, DO YOU HAVE ANY MUSIC FOR THE MOMENT?
>> Jon: WELL, YOU KNOW, GEORGIA WAS SWINGIN'.
IT DON'T MEAN A THING.
♪♪♪ ♪ IF IT AIN'T GOT THAT SWING ♪
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S WHERE MY MIND IS AT.
♪♪♪ YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?
>> Jon: JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, JON.
>> Stephen: YES, INDEED.
LATER ON.
>> Stephen: FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME
CAREFULLY SOLDERING THE MOST TOPICAL SUPER-CONDUCTIVE CIRCUIT
BOARDS, CRAFTING THE NEWSIEST LIGHTWEIGHT CARBON FIBER LIMBS
STUDYING HUMAN MOVEMENT PATTERNS, AND BALANCING
PRECISION INTERNAL GYROSCOPES TO CREATE THE CUTTING-EDGE
STATE-OF-THE-ART BOSTON DYNAMICS ROBOT THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO SNORT SOME BATH SALTS, BREAK IN TO AN
ABANDONED TOYS-R-US, DIG THROUGH THE BIN OF DEFECTIVE REJECTS,
AND GLUE SOME BUSTED PARTS TOGETHER TO CREATE THE DEMENTED
FRANKEN-FURBY OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"QUARANTINEWHILE!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A HARVARD
PROFESSOR HAS CLAIMED IN HIS NEW BOOK THAT ALIEN DEBRIS PASSED
NEAR EARTH IN 2017," AND THAT THE OBJECT ACTUALLY "COULD HAVE
BEEN ALIEN SPACE JUNK."
I DON'T KNOW.
ALIEN GARBAGE SOUNDS A LITTLE FAR-FETCHED.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
WHOA!
I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S GARBAGE, BUT THAT DEFINITELY APPEARS TO
BE SOMEONE'S JUNK.
PLEASE, HAVE YOUR ALIEN SPAYED OR NEUTERED.
NOT COOL, ALIENS.
THAT IS A STRAIGHT-UP INTERSTELLAR PENIS PIC.
WE'RE NOT YOUR GALACTIC BOOTY CALL, OKAY?
REMINDS ME OF THAT SCENE IN "ARRIVAL."
( GROWLING ) ( HEAVY BREATHING )
>> STEPHEN: THE HARVARD PROFESSOR, AVI LOEB, HERE,
ADDED-- AND AGAIN, HE IS A HARVARD PROFESSOR-- "WE'RE
PROBABLY NOT ALONE, AND MOREOVER WE'RE PROBABLY NOT THE SHARPEST
COOKIE IN THE JAR."
SO EITHER THIS GUY SHARPENS HIS COOKIES, OR HE IS NOT
THE BRIGHTEST BULB SHORT OF A SIX-PACK.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, A NEW BURP-CATCHING MASK FOR COWS
COULD SLOW DOWN CLIMATE CHANGE.
AND AS SOMEONE WHOSE MASK HAS BEEN CATCHING MY BURPS ALL YEAR,
LET ME SAY TO THE COWS IN ADVANCE-- I'M SO SORRY.
THE MASKS ARE DESIGNED TO REDUCE METHANE, A POWERFUL GREENHOUSE
GAS EMITTED BY LIVESTOCK.
AND SCIENTISTS SAY THE MASK HAS NO IMPACT ON THE ANIMAL'S
BEHAVIOR AND FEEDING.
YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
BECAUSE THAT SHINY BLACK LEATHER HAS A REAL S&M FLAVOR.
MAKE SURE BESSIE HAS A SAFE WORD.
(WHISPERED) PUMPKIN PATCH.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN CELEBRITY COUPLE NEWS, KIM KARDASHIAN AND
KANYE WEST ARE GETTING A DIVORCE.
NO, NOT KIM-YAY KAR-WEST-IAN!
KIM-YE-STIAN KARD-WASHYE?
THEY HAD SO MUCH IN COMMON!
FAME.
AND...
LOUIS VUITTON SUBMARINES, I THINK?
IT WAS A CLASSIC STORY: BOY MEETS GIRL, GIRL BREAKS INTERNET
WITH CHAMPAGNE GLASS ON HER BUTT, BOY GETS IN YEARS-LONG
FEUD WITH TAYLOR SWIFT, GIRL STUDIES FOR THE BAR EXAM, BOY
RUNS FOR PRESIDENT AND GIVES GIRL A HOLOGRAM OF HER DEAD
FATHER AT HER PRIVATE ISLAND BIRTHDAY PARTY DURING A
PANDEMIC...
IT'S A TALE AS OLD AS TIME.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, THE 2021 GRAMMYS HAVE BEEN POSTPONED OVER
COVID-19 CONCERNS.
MEANING THERE'S STILL TIME FOR THEM TO NOMINATE MY SPOKEN WORD
ALBUM, "ELEVENTY-ONE LIMERICKS ABOUT HOBBIT BIRTHDAYS."
"THERE ONCE WAS A PARTY FOR BILBO.
HE HAD ENOUGH CAKE FOR HIS FILL, THOUGH.
SO HE PUT ON HIS RING, AND HAD A HOT, PRIVATE FLING
WITH A 13-INCH-LONG PLASTIC"-- A AND I'M BEING TOLD WE CAN'T
FINISH THIS POEM ON CBS.
DON'T SNUB ME AGAIN, ACADEMY.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN THE COMPLEX WORLD OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS,
DENMARK HAS LAUNCHED A CHILDREN'S TV SHOW ABOUT A MAN
WITH GIANT PENIS.
WHO LOOKS LIKE THIS.
GOOD GOD, I FOUND WALDO!
AND I REALLY WISH I HADN'T.
I DON'T KNOW WHICH IS MORE INAPPROPRIATE FOR KIDS TO SEE,
THAT THIS GUY HAS A PREHENSILE PEEN OR THAT HE'S USING IT TO
DUMP LIGHTER FLUID ON A BARBECUE.
BUDDY, YOU'RE GOING TO GRILL YOUR WIENER!
ALSO, GOT TO SAY, THAT ONESIE MUST TAKE FOREVER TO PUT ON.
THE CHARACTER'S PENIS IS SO LONG AND VERSATILE THAT IT CAN
PERFORM RESCUE OPERATIONS, ETCH MURALS, HOIST A FLAG AND EVEN
STEAL ICE-CREAM FROM CHILDREN.
I'M GUESSING THAT'S A SHORT EPISODE: "HEY, GIVE MY KIDS BACK
THEIR ICE CR-- YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S ALL YOURS."
THAT'S GOOD.
JIMMY, RUN.
THE SHOW IS GETTING A LOT OF CRITICISM, BUT ONE PSYCHOLOGIST
THINKS THE CONCERN IS UNNECESSARY, SAYING, THE
CHARACTER "JOHN DILLERMAND TALKS TO CHILDREN AND SHARES THEIR WAY
OF THINKING-- AND KIDS DO FIND GENITALS FUNNY."
JUST BECAUSE KIDS THINK SOMETHING'S FUNNY DOESN'T
MEAN IT'S A GOOD IDEA FOR TV.
OTHERWISE, THE MOST SUCCESSFUL KIDS' SHOW WOULD'VE BEEN "MR.
ROGERS GETS WRACKED IN THE SACK."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "JEFF BEZOS JUST NAMED A HUGE ROCKET
RECOVERY SHIP AFTER HIS MOM," JACLYN.
GREAT FOR JEFF BEZOS.
SUCKS IF YOU'RE HIS BROTHER, MARK BEZOS.
(AS MOM) "THANK YOU FOR PUTTING MY NAME
ON YOUR GIANT SPACESHIP BOAT, JEFFREY.
AND WHAT DID YOU GET ME, MARK?
OOH, YANKEE CANDLE?
THAT'S...
GOOD."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IF YOU'RE ONE OF MILLIONS OF AMERICANS
FIGHTING TO STAVE OFF FINANCIAL RUIN, YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS:
"WITH A NET WORTH OF MORE THAN $185 BILLION, ELON MUSK IS NOW
THE RICHEST PERSON IN THE WORLD, PASSING JEFF BEZOS."
NEAT!
HE CAN PUT HIS MOM'S NAME ON HIS ROCKETS!
THEN, JEFF'S MOM'S ROCKET-CATCHING BOAT CAN CATCH
THEM WHILE ALSO CATCHING JEFF'S ROCKETS AND THEY CAN HAVE A
BILLIONAIRE SPACE-ROCKET BOAT-CATCHING PARTY, AND THIS
COUNTRY IS SO SCREWED.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, JAPAN IS SEEKING TO BOOST ITS BIRTHRATE
BY FUNDING THE USE OF ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE TO HELP MATCH
LONELY HEARTS.
THAT'LL BE FUN TO TELL THE KIDS.
"DAD, WHEN DID YOU KNOW YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH MOM?"
"WELL, SON, I KNEW WHEN THE GOVERNMENT ROBOT SAID SO."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH RACHEL BROSNAHAN.
♪♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS THE EMMY AND GOLDEN GLOBE AWARD-WINNING STAR
OF "THE MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL."
HER LATEST FILM IS "I'M YOUR WOMAN."
>> SO I'M SUPPOSED TO LIVE, YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE FOR YOU DON'T
KNOW HOW LONG AND ALSO YOU DON'T KNOW IF EDDIE IS OKAY.
JUST LET ME CALL HIM.
LET HIM BE THE ONE TO EXPLAIN IT.
>> YOU CAN'T.
'RE TALKING ABOUT MY HUSBAND.
YOU CAN'T CALL HIM BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS WHERE HE IS.
>> IS ANYBODY LOOKING?
EVERYONE'S LOOKING.
AND THEY'RE LOOKING FOR YOU, TOO.
>> NICE HOUSE.
NEAR A PARK.
I LIKE TO TAKE WALKS WITH A STROLLER.
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW," RACHEL
BROSNAHAN.
HEY, RACHEL.
>> HI, HOW ARE YOU IN.
>> Stephen: I'M DOING OKAY.
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
HAPPY 2021.
>> I FEEL LIKE WE NEED TO START 2021 IN FEBRUARY.
LET'S THROW JANUARY BACK TO 2020.
THEY CAN HAVE IT.
>> Stephen: SURE.
HOW DID YOU RING IN THE NEW YEAR?
>> SO I HAVE BEEN A LITTLE FAMILY UPON SINCE MARCH.
A FEW OF US THOUGHT, WE HAVEN'T WORN HEART PANS SINCE MARCH --
>> Stephen: FORGIVE ME, WHAT ARE HARD PANTS?
>> OKAY, SO I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT MAKE THIS UP BUT IT'S MY
FAVORITE DESCRIPTOR.
I'M SURE SOMEONE BRILLIANT ON TWITTER CAME UP WITH THIS BUT
HARD PANTS ARE ANYTHING BUT YOGA PNTS, LEGGINGS --
>> Stephen: ARE THESE HARD PANTS?
>> STEPHEN -- YES.
WOW.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE JEANS.
ARE JEANS HARD PANTS?
>> YES.
LISTEN, I'VE GOT A DRESS ON AND UNDERNEATH IT I'M WEARING
LEGGINGS, STILL.
SO, YES, WE THOUGHT WE WOULD GET A LITTLE DRESSED UP.
WE DIDN'T PUT ON HARD PANTS, BUT WE PUT ON SOME, YOU KNOW, SHINY
DRESSES AND IT LASTED FOR ABOUT AN HOUR.
WE WERE, LIKE, LET'S TAKE SOME PICTURES AND THEN PROMPTLY
RIPPED EVERYTHING OFF AND PUT OUR PAJ PAJAMAS ON AND PLAYED CA
AND WATCHED THE NEW YEAR'S BALL DROP.
>> Stephen: SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD TIME.
>> VERY STRANGE BUT A GOOD TIME.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU A RESOLUTIONS SORT OF PERSON?
>> YEAH, I TRY TO MAKE A RESOLUTION.
I'VE MADE THE SAME RESOLUTION FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS.
I'M STILL WORKING ON IT, BUT, YOU KNOW, WE HAVE TO CONTINUE TO
WORK ON THESE THINGS.
>> Stephen: COME ON, GIVE IT UP.
>> I HAVE RESOLVED, IN 2021 THAT STARTS IN FEBRUARY,ED TO BE FIVE
MINUTES EARLY INSTEAD OF FIVE MINUTES LATE, AND, SECONDLY, TO
RETURN E-MAILS AND TEXT MESSAGES IN A MUCH TIMELIER FASHION,
WHICH I DID A LITTLE BIT OF TODAY AND I FINALLY GOT UNDER
10,000, WHICH FEELS LIKE A BIG WIN.
>> Stephen: WOW.
TIMELY FASHION IS A HIGH BAR.
RESPOND AT ALL IS MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION.
I FIGURE IF IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT, A LAWYER WILL CONTACT
ME.
>> PROBABLY TRUE.
>> Stephen: THE AUTHORITIES, I WILL GET A SUBPOENA IF IT'S
REALLY IMPORTANT.
>> YOU WILL KNOW, YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU DID SOMETHING THAT I'M A LITTLE JEALOUS OF.
I HAVE BEEN VERY CURIOUS YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND -- WHAT'S YOUR
HUSBAND'S NAME?
>> JASON.
>> Stephen: YOU AND JASON DID.
DID YOU BUY OR RENT AN R.V.?
>> RENT AN R.V.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
TOUGH IT MADE US WANT TO GIVE UP OUR HOUSE AND MAYBE MOVE
IN AT SOME POINT.
>> Stephen: SO THE TWO OF YOU AND DOGS?
>> AND DOGS.
>> Stephen: HOW MANY DOGS.
TWO DOGS.
>> Stephen: AND WERE YOU THE DESIGNATED DRIVER OR ARE YOU
NAVIGATOR OR DEEJAY OR WHAT ARE YOU?
>> I'M THE DESIGNATED DEEJAY/MAKER OF SANDWICHES.
>> Stephen: WOW.
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN CURIOUS, HAVE YOU -- LIKE YOU EVER MAKE A
GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH AT, LIKE, 70 MILES AN HOUR?
( LAUGHTER ) >> I WAS REALLY TEMPTED.
THE STOVE IS RIGHT THERE, BUT I WASN'T SURE IF I WOULD EXPLODE
THE R.V. IF I TURNED ON THE GAS WHILE IT WAS GOING.
I GOT GOOD AT CONDIMENT JUGGLING.
YOU QUICKLY LAY OUT THE SANDWICH, YOU PULL OUT THE
BREAD.
AND WHEN YOU HIT A POINT WHERE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO MAKE A TURN,
YOU TOP THE FRIDGE, GET IT OUT AND CLOSE IT AGAIN.
THEN BUTTER OR MAYO THE WHOLE SANDWICH.
IT'S A PROCESS BUT I'M PROUD TO HAVE MADE MANY SANDWICHES.
>> Stephen: I HAVE TO ASK ANOTHER QUESTION.
LOOK AT THIS AGAIN.
IS THAT MARBLE COUNTERTOPS?
>> VERY FAUX MARBLE COUNTERTOPS.
I'M SURE SOME HAVE IT.
DOESN'T WILL SMITH HAVE ONE OF THOSE THAT HAS SIX LAYERS AND
MARBLE EVERYTHING.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT GOING TO SIT HERE ON TV AND SAY WILL
SMITH DOESN'T HAVE SOMETHING.
I'M GUESSING WHATEVER YOU NAME WILL SMITH HAS.
WHAT'S IT DRIVE LIKE?
IT DRIVES LIKE A DREAM, I GUESS.
I BET IT CORNERS LIKE A MASERATI.
>> IT CORNERS LIKE A TOUR BUS.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
YOU KNOW, YOU NEED TO TAKE THOSE TURNS PRETTY WIDE.
I ONLY DROVE THE THING ON PRETTY WIDE COUNTRY, YOU KNOW, NO ONE
AROUND COUNTRY HIGHWAYS, COUNTY HIGHWAYS.
>> Stephen: NOW, LIVING WITH ANYONE IS AN INTIMATE
EXPERIENCE.
YOU KNOW, YOU GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER PRETTY WELL.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU LEARN BY LIVING WITH SOMEONE IN AN
R.V.?
>> YOU LEARN A LOT ABOUT POOP.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
A LOT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT WE CALL IN THE BUSINESS A GRABBER.
GO ON.
>> YOU POOP IN CLOSE QUARTERS.
YOU LEARN EXACTLY WHAT TIME DURING THE DAY OR THE DRIVE
SOMEONE NEEDS TO POOP.
YOU LEARN WHO'S COMFORTABLE WITH POOP.
HAVING DOGS -- DO YOU HAVE DOGS, STEPHEN?
>> Stephen: I DO.
I DO.
>> YOU GET PRETTY COMFORTABLE WITH POOP.
>> Stephen: WITH DOG POOP.
YOU PICK UP THE POOP WITH YOUR HANDS.
BUT, YES, SOMEONE HAS TO -- THE LESS GLAMOROUS PART THAT THEY
DON'T TELL YOU ABOUT R.V.
CAMPING IS THE EMPTYING OF THE SEWAGE EVERY DAY PART.
FOR SOME REASON OUR LITTLE SEWAGE HOSE HAD A -- THE WHOLE
THING WAS NOT CLEAR, AND THEN RIGHT AT THE END BEFORE IT WENT
INTO THE HOLE, THERE WAS ABOUT THIS MUCH CLEAR, SO WHOEVER DID
THE SEWAGE GOT A REALLY GOOD LOOK AT EVERYTHING THAT WAS IN
THERE RIGHT BEFORE IT WENT INTO THE GROUND.
>> Stephen: OH, EXCELLENT.
AND AS IT GETS COLDER, THE OTHER THING THEY DON'T TELL YOU
IS THAT, AS THE WEATHER TURNS, THAT POOP QUITE LITERALLY
FREEZES, CAN FREEZE.
>> Stephen: WOW.
YOU KNOW, I HEARD THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS ON THE SPACE SHUTTLE,
TOO.
>> IS THAT RIGHT?
>> Stephen: YEAH, SOMETIMES THEY CAN'T DISCHARGE IT OUT INTO
SPACE BECAUSE IT FREEZES.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: YOU GUYS ARE KIND OF LIKE ASTRONAUTS BUT ON EARTH.
>> WE'RE JUST AS SMART AS THEY ARE, TOO, DEFINITELY.
>> Stephen: RACHEL, WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK BUT WHEN WE
RETURN I WILL SHOW YOU A VIDEO OF ONE TO HAVE THE CREEPIEST
BABIES YOU WILL EVER SEE.
STICK AROUND.
♪♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WE'RE BACK WITH THE STAR OF "THE MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL," RACHEL
BROSNAHAN.
THE MOVIE "I'M YOUR WOMAN," YOU'RE ON THE RUN WITH A BABY.
WHAT WAS THAT LIKE?
THAT LOOKED LIKE A REAL BABY IN THE CLIP.
>> A BABY IN THE RAIN.
A REAL BABY PLAYED BY TWINS JUSTIN AND JAMISON CHARLES WHO
OUTSHINE EVERY ACTOR IN THIS MOVIE.
YEAH, BABIES ARE ADORABLE, AND HIGHLY UNPROFESSIONAL.
THEY KNOW THEIR LINES, THEY HAVEN'T READ THE SCRIPT, THEY
FALL ASLEEP ON SET.
IT'S INCREDIBLY RUDE.
BUT IT WAS A REALLY AMAZING EXPERIENCE, ACTUALLY.
THERE'S MOMENTS -- YOU KNOW, BABIES ARE JUST LIVING THEIR
LIVES AND THERE'S MOMENTS YOU COULDN'T HAVE DREAMED YOU WILL
CAPTURE ON CAMERA THAT REALLY END UP ENRICHING THE FILM.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE BABIES AWAKE SOME TIME?
>> YES.
THEY DO QUITE LITERALLY FALL ASLEEP ON SET.
THEY'RE ON THEIR OWN SCHEDULE, THEY NEED TO NAP.
>> Stephen: DO YOU POKE THEM WITH SOMETHING?
WHAT DO YOU DO?
>> NO.
IS THAT HOW YOU WAKE UP A SLEEPING BABY?
>> Stephen: WELL, A LITTLE BIT.
POKE 'EM.
WAKE UP, BE CUTE.
TICK TOCK, BABY, WE'RE BURNING DAYLIGHT!
THIS IS UNION!
>> NO, THIS WAS MUCH GENTLER, PER THE UNION.
WE WOKE UP A SLEEPING BABY, WHICH I CAN'T EVEN SAY OUT LOUD,
BUT WE WOKE OUR SLEEPING BABIES WITH A STIRRING RENDITION OF
"BABY SHARK."
WE WANTED THEM TO WAKE UP HAPPY TO THEIR MOM WOULD SING BABY
SHARK, AND THEN YOU GET THESE GRUFFS PITTSBURGH DRIFTS AND
ELECTRICS, SINGING AND EVERYONE JOINED IN, IT WAS A COMMUNAL
EXPERIENCE, AND THEY WOKE UP HAPPY.
>> Stephen: DO YOU LITERALLY HAVE TO FLEE AT TIMES WITH THIS
BABY?
BECAUSE IT SEEMS IT WOULD BE DANGEROUS TO LITERALLY RUN WITH
A BABY.
>> NO, WHEN WE TO THE ACTION-PACKED SCENES AND THE
MORE DANGEROUS STUFF, WE HAVE A FAKE BABY.
BUT THIS IS NOT YOUR CLINT EASTWOOD FAKE BABY.
THESE THINGS -- >> Stephen: IS CLINT EASTWOOD
KNOWN FOR FAKE BABIES?
I MISSED THAT DIRTY HARRY SCENE.
>> CLINT ESTWOOD IN A MOVIE -- >> Stephen: HAS A BABY?
YES, THE WORST FAKE BABY IN EXISTENCE.
>> Stephen: I THINK THAT'S AN ORANGUTAN.
>> NO, IT'S LIKE A LITTLE PLASTIC BABY DOLL.
IT'S IN "AMERICAN SNIPER," THE LITTLE THING --
>> Stephen: I HEAR GOOD THINGS.
I HAVEN'T SEEN IT.
I HEAR GOOD THINGS, THOUGH.
>> -- THE MOVIE WAS, THE FAKE BABY WAS INEXCUSABLE.
WE DID NOT SKIMP ON THE FAKE BABY.
THEY TOOK PICTURES OF THE REAL BABIES AND THEY MADE THIS
SILICONE ABOMINATION THAT WAS BRILLIANT AND PERFECT AS WE
NEEDED IT, BUT THEY ARE SO SCA SCARY.
>> Stephen: I THINK WE HAVE -- IS THIS VIDEO OR PHOTOS?
I THINK IT'S VIDEO.
TAKE A LOOK.
I THINK WE HAVE THIS.
I DON'T KNOW IF RACHEL WILL PAYABLE TO SEE THIS.
CAN YOU SEE THIS?
THAT LOOKS LIKE A REAL -- ( GROWLING )
THAT'S A FAKE BABY?
>> THAT'S A FAKE BABY, WITH A REAL SQUISHY LITTLE FEET AND --
UUUUGH!
>> Stephen: I HAVE NO DOUBT THIS IS A FANTASTIC MOVIE.
THAT'S ONE TO HAVE THE MOST HORRIFYING THINGS I'VE EVER
SEEN.
>> THAT THING HAUNTS ME IN MY NIGHTMARES.
IT HAS A LITTLE BIT OF DIRT ON ITS NOSE -- WHOO!
>> Stephen: RACHEL BROSNAHAN, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE!
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME.
>> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?
OR WHAT DO YOU DO AFTER THIS?
WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THIS?
I REALIZE I HAVE BEEN INTERVIEWING PEOPLE ON ZOOM FOR
THIS SHOW IN COVID FOR TEN MONTHS NOW, AND I HAVE NEVER
ONCE ASKED A GUEST, WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?
>> IN THE MOST APPROPRIATE FASHION, I'M GOING TO RIP THIS
DRESS OFF AND PUT ON ALL THE SWEATS, TAKE ALL OF THIS MAKEUP
OFF, NO ONE WAKES UP LIKE THIS, AND PLAY ANIMAL CROSSING?
>> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS GREAT.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO NOW OR DARE I EVEN ASK?
>> Stephen: WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW?
I'M GOING TO TAKE OUT THIS EAR PIECE RIGHT HERE.
I'M ALSO IN THE LEAST APPROPRIATE WAY POSSIBLE, I'M
GOING TO TEAR OFF THIS CLOTHING, AND I WOULD -- I WOULD SAY I WAS
GOING TO DRINK BECAUSE I NORMALLY DO ENJOY LIQUOR, BUT MY
WIFE SAID LET'S DO A DRY JANUARY.
AND I SAID, YES, LIKE A DUMMY.
AND THEN THIS WEEK -- TWO NIGHTS AGO, SHE SAID TO ME, OH, YOU'RE
IN SUCH A BAD MOOD, JUST HAVE A DRINK.
I SAID, I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE IN ON DAY FOUR!
>> SHE WAS, LIKE, PLEASE, PLEASE >> Stephen: YES, SHE REALLY
WANTS ME TO GIVE IN AND I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT NOW.
INSTEAD, I'M GOING TO DO A RAIL OF METH --
>> YEP.
>> Stephen: -- AND I'M GOING TO GO TO A COCK FIGHT.
>> GREAT.
SEE YOU THERE.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY.
SEE YOU THERE.
YOU AND JASON?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: OKAY, FANTASTIC.
GREAT.
I LOVE THIS FOR US.
>> STEPHEN: "I'M YOUR WOMAN" AND IS AVAILABLE ON AMAZON.
RACHEL BROSNAHAN, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY JULIEN BAKER.
THANK YOU, RACHEL.
♪♪♪
>> Stephen: AND NOW PERFORMING "FAITH HEALER" FROM
HER FORTHCOMING ALBUM, "LITTLE OBLIVIONS," JULIEN BAKER!
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ OOH, I MISS IT HIGH HOW IT DULLED THE TERROR
♪ AND THE BEAUTY AND NOW
♪ I SEE EVERYTHING IN STARTLING INTENSITY
♪ OH, WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE IF IT WOULD TAKE AWAY
♪ THE STING A MINUTE EVERYTHING I LOVE
♪ I'D TRADE IT IN TO FEEL IT RUSH INTO MY CHEST
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ THE SMOKE ALARM'S BEEN
GOING OFF FOR WEEKS ♪ NO ONE SHOWED UP
OH, HALF THE TIME ♪ IT ISN'T WHAT YOU
THINK OF ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ FAITH HEALER
COME PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME ♪ A SNAKE OIL DEALER
I'LL BELIEVE YOU IF ♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL SOMETHING
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ FAITH HEALER
COME PUT YOUR HANDS ALL OVER ME ♪ A SNAKE OIL DEALER
I'LL BELIEVE YOU IF ♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL SOMETHING ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: JULIEN BAKER,
EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> STEPHEN: WELL, THAT'S IT FOR "A LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
TUNE IN TOMORROW FOR A SPECIAL FRIDAY LATE SHOW WHEN I'LL
PRESENT THE WORLD PREMIERE OF THE "COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE" WITH
TOM HANKS, MERYL STREEP, AND GEORGE CLOONEY.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.
♪♪♪ Captioning sponsored by CBS