1
00:00:01,710 --> 00:00:03,294
>> KARL BERNSTEIN, WHAT IS YOUR
REACTION TO THIS, LEARNING OF
2
00:00:03,294 --> 00:00:09,300
THE FIRST CABINET RESIGNATION,
"MITCH McCONNELL'S WIFE AS
3
00:00:09,300 --> 00:00:11,720
WELL.
4
00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:15,223
>> I THINK, FIRST OF ALL, THERE
REALLY IS AN EXAMPLE OF THE RATS
5
00:00:15,223 --> 00:00:17,726
LEAVING THE SINKING SHIP.
6
00:00:17,726 --> 00:00:20,311
>> WITH 13 DAYS TO GO, YOU KNOW,
SHE'S LEAVING THE SINKING SHIP.
7
00:00:20,311 --> 00:00:26,568
>> LOOK, THE WATER IS CHURNING
WITH RATS FROM THIS SINKING
8
00:00:26,568 --> 00:00:27,652
SHIP.
9
00:00:27,652 --> 00:00:33,241
♪ ♪ ♪
>> HELLO, THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN.
10
00:00:33,241 --> 00:00:36,244
I HAVE NOTICED A NUMBER OF YOU
TRYING TO JUMP SHIP.
11
00:00:36,244 --> 00:00:38,329
WELL, IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT.
12
00:00:38,329 --> 00:00:42,876
YOU KNEW THIS WAS DOOMED FROM
THE BEGINNING, SO TAKE A DEEP
13
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,210
BREATH, AND I'LL SEE YOU ON THE
BOTTOM.
14
00:00:44,210 --> 00:00:54,262
AND NOW, LET THE BAND PLAY ON.
15
00:00:54,262 --> 00:01:00,268
AND NOW, LET THE BAND PLAY ON.
16
00:01:00,268 --> 00:01:02,270
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW
17
00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:05,565
WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
18
00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:08,610
TONIGHT:
T.G.I.F. THIS WEEK.
19
00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:12,280
>> PLUS STEPHEN GIVES THE
COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE TO
20
00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:14,407
TOM HANKS
MERYL STREEP
21
00:01:14,407 --> 00:01:17,285
AND GEORGE CLOONEY
AND MUSICAL GUESTS THE MOUNTAIN
22
00:01:17,285 --> 00:01:19,370
GOATS
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
23
00:01:21,247 --> 00:01:23,458
HOMIN'.
24
00:01:23,458 --> 00:01:26,753
AND NOW, LIVE oN TAPE FROM
THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE
25
00:01:26,753 --> 00:01:30,215
BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S
STEPHEN COLBERT!
26
00:01:30,215 --> 00:01:33,259
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
27
00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:34,928
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
28
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:35,428
I'M JUST CLEANING MY GLASSES.
29
00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:37,555
GIVE ME A SECOND HERE.
30
00:01:37,555 --> 00:01:40,767
I'M SORRY TO KEEP YOU GUYS
WAITING, IT'S JUST THAT THIS IS
31
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:44,938
THE LAST SHOW OF THE WEEK, RARE
FRIDAY SHOW, RARE FRIDAY SHOW AT
32
00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:46,105
THIS POINT.
33
00:01:46,105 --> 00:01:47,941
WE HAD A LIVE SHOW A COUPLE OF
NIGHTS AGO.
34
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:49,567
I'M STILL RIDING OUT THAT HIGH.
35
00:01:49,567 --> 00:01:54,280
AND I DON'T KNOW IF MY GLASSES
ARE DIRTY OR JUST MY CORNAS
36
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:55,615
REFUSE TO FOCUS ANYMORE.
37
00:01:55,615 --> 00:01:57,325
I'M HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE--
THERE YOU GO.
38
00:01:57,325 --> 00:02:00,119
THERE ARE THE WORDS RIGHT THERE.
39
00:02:00,119 --> 00:02:03,331
I CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT WHAT I
WILL SAY TONIGHT.
40
00:02:03,331 --> 00:02:08,628
THE SQUIRREL CAGE NEEDS HOSING
OUT UP THERE.
41
00:02:08,628 --> 00:02:09,879
HAPPY FRIDAY?
42
00:02:09,879 --> 00:02:13,967
IT'S THE END OF THE FIRST WEEK
OF A BRAND-NEW YEAR, WHICH MEANS
43
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:15,343
IT'S TIME FOR MY NEW SEGMENT:
"2021, THE WEEK THAT FELT LIKE A
44
00:02:15,343 --> 00:02:18,346
YEAR: A LOOK BACK."
45
00:02:18,346 --> 00:02:19,681
WHERE TO BEGIN?
46
00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:20,974
MONDAY.
47
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,809
WHAT HAPPENED ON MONDAY?
48
00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:27,689
I CAN'T REMEMBER.
49
00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:33,236
BUT, ON TUESDAY, THERE WAS THE
BIG RUNOFF ELECTION DOWN IN
50
00:02:33,236 --> 00:02:34,654
GEORGIA.
51
00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:35,947
I KNOW THAT BECAUSE ON
WEDNESDAY, I WAS GOING TO HAVE
52
00:02:35,947 --> 00:02:39,158
FUN TALKING ABOUT WINNERS HEADED
TO THE SENATE.
53
00:02:39,158 --> 00:02:39,450
BUT I HAD TO SCRAP ALL THAT WHEN
THOSE LOSERS HEADED TO THE
54
00:02:39,450 --> 00:02:40,827
SENATE.
55
00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:43,288
IT WAS AMAZING.
56
00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:46,374
TUESDAY, I MEAN, NOTLET
WEDNESDAY THING.
57
00:02:46,374 --> 00:02:47,709
THAT WAS-- WHEN WAS IT?
58
00:02:47,709 --> 00:02:48,459
WHAT DAY IS THIS?
59
00:02:48,459 --> 00:02:50,169
>> ARE THE.
60
00:02:50,169 --> 00:02:51,004
>> Stephen: THIS IS FRIDAY.
61
00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:53,173
WEDNESDAY WAS THE BAD DAY.
62
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:56,259
TUESDAY WAS THE FUN NIGHT THAT
WE FOUND OUT ON WEDNESDAY BUT I
63
00:02:56,259 --> 00:02:58,803
COULDN'T TALK ABOUT IT.
64
00:02:58,803 --> 00:02:59,804
THERE YOU GO.
65
00:02:59,804 --> 00:03:03,391
TUESDAY WAS AMAZING.
66
00:03:03,391 --> 00:03:04,851
I SPENT THE WHOLE EVENING
BREATHLESSLY WATCHING JOHN KING
67
00:03:04,851 --> 00:03:07,312
AND STEVE KORNACKI WITH THEIR
TOUCHSCREENS, AFTER DARK.
68
00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:10,857
>> 50,000 VOTES DIFFERENCE,
RIGHT?
69
00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:11,900
OR 40,000 VOTES DIFFERENCE.
70
00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:15,820
130,000 NICK SAYS
MR. STERLING WAS SAYING, 171,000
71
00:03:15,820 --> 00:03:16,946
VOTES.
72
00:03:16,946 --> 00:03:21,409
>> YOU'RE SITTING ON 170,000,
180,000 OR SO VOTES TO BE
73
00:03:21,409 --> 00:03:23,828
REPORTED OUT, RIGHT, WHERE I
THINK YOU CAN CERTAINLY EXPECT
74
00:03:23,828 --> 00:03:28,708
DEMOCRATS TO BE GETTING AT LEAST
80% OF THOSE VOTES, AND PROBABLY
75
00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:29,208
MORE.
76
00:03:29,208 --> 00:03:31,002
>> Stephen: GOT IT.
77
00:03:31,002 --> 00:03:31,753
I'M CRUNCHING THE LATEST NUMBERS
OUT OF GEORGIA, AS THEY CONTINUE
78
00:03:31,753 --> 00:03:38,051
TO TRICKLE IN.
79
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:39,218
WE'RE WATCHING PARTICULARLY
MILITARY BALLOTS RIGHT NOW.
80
00:03:39,218 --> 00:03:40,053
I'M GOING TO PULL UP CHATHAM
COUNTY, OKAY.
81
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:42,680
ANNND... NOTHING.
82
00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:46,893
I GUESS THE RESULTS ARE ALL IN
FROM CHATHAM COUNTY.
83
00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:47,518
LET'S LOOK AT THIS AREA.
84
00:03:47,518 --> 00:03:49,270
IS IT HERE?
85
00:03:49,270 --> 00:03:55,902
IS IT-- WHERE DO I-- IS IT COBB?
86
00:03:55,902 --> 00:04:02,450
THIS VOICE-ACTIVATED, JIM HAD?
87
00:04:02,450 --> 00:04:04,410
CA-BABA.
88
00:04:04,410 --> 00:04:06,329
CAN WE PUT UP A WEATHER MAP OR
ANYTHING, JIM?
89
00:04:06,329 --> 00:04:10,917
I'M BEING TOLD THIS TOUCHSCREEN
IS BROKEN?
90
00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:12,418
IT DOES NOT WORK.
91
00:04:12,418 --> 00:04:13,252
IT NEVER WORKED.
92
00:04:13,252 --> 00:04:14,420
IT'S NOT A TOUCHSCREEN.
93
00:04:14,420 --> 00:04:21,302
AND I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT BEFORE.
94
00:04:21,302 --> 00:04:22,637
IS THERE MATH TO BE HAD HERE?
95
00:04:22,637 --> 00:04:23,888
>> THERE IS MATH-- THERE IS MATH
TO BE HAD HERE.
96
00:04:23,888 --> 00:04:26,307
>> YOU CAN DO THE MATH HERE:
54 AND 29 AND 83 AND 84.
97
00:04:26,307 --> 00:04:28,476
>> Stephen: GOT IT.
98
00:04:28,476 --> 00:04:31,854
54, 29, 83, 84, WITH A POWERBALL
OF 6, TIMES 170,000.
99
00:04:31,854 --> 00:04:32,605
KEEP FEEDING ME, BOYS!
100
00:04:32,605 --> 00:04:34,941
KEEP FEEDING ME!
101
00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:39,821
>> YOU'RE A LITTLE OVER 85,000
IS YOUR TURNOUT IN THE NOVEMBER
102
00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:40,947
GENERAL ELECTION.
103
00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:42,198
YOU'RE A BIT NORTH OF 68,000
HERE.
104
00:04:42,198 --> 00:04:45,410
>> SO, NOW YOU ARE AT 1.8, 1.7,
3.5-- ADD UP, YOU'RE A LITTLE
105
00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:45,994
HIGHER THAN THAT.
106
00:04:45,994 --> 00:04:47,537
>> Stephen: OKAY, GOT IT.
107
00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:49,956
ADDING THINGS MAKES THEM HIGHER,
GOT IT.
108
00:04:49,956 --> 00:04:55,753
OKAY, 1.8 ADDING 29, 40,000--
PLUS OR MINUS-- DIVIDED BY THE
109
00:04:55,753 --> 00:05:00,967
SQUARE ROOT OF "ISH?"
AND THE RESULTS ARE...
110
00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:02,343
(BLEEP) YOU, MITCH MCCONNELL.
111
00:05:02,343 --> 00:05:02,885
YOU LOST.
112
00:05:02,885 --> 00:05:06,806
I'M GOING TO SIT DOWN.
113
00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:14,105
I THINK I HUFFED TOO MANY
INTEGERS.
114
00:05:14,105 --> 00:05:16,941
THE FIRST RACE THEY CALLED
TUESDAY NIGHT WAS SENATOR-ELECT
115
00:05:16,941 --> 00:05:19,986
RAPHAEL WARNOCK-- SEEN HERE
OUT-CUTEING A PUPPY-- WHO
116
00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:22,405
DEFEATED APPOINTED SENATOR AND
LADY WHO HAS TO GO TO THE HORSE
117
00:05:22,405 --> 00:05:25,575
BARBER, KELLY LOEFFLER.
118
00:05:25,575 --> 00:05:27,660
WITH HIS VICTORY, WARNOCK
BECOMES THE FIRST BLACK SENATOR
119
00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:30,538
IN GEORGIA HISTORY.
120
00:05:30,538 --> 00:05:31,164
WOW, REALLY?
121
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:31,998
IS THAT TRUE?
122
00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:33,541
>> YES.
123
00:05:33,541 --> 00:05:36,169
>> Stephen: GEORGIA HAS THE
THIRD-HIGHEST BLACK POPULATION
124
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:49,599
IN AMERICA, AND UNTIL NOW, IT
HAD NEVER BEEN REPRESENTED BY A
125
00:05:49,599 --> 00:05:53,728
THAT'S LIKE NEW MEXICO NEVER
HAVING A NATIVE AMERICAN
126
00:05:53,728 --> 00:06:00,568
SENATOR.
127
00:06:00,568 --> 00:06:02,570
WHAT?
128
00:06:02,570 --> 00:06:08,576
IT DOESN'T MEAN HE'S GIVEN UP
HIS CHURCH WORK.
129
00:06:08,576 --> 00:06:11,329
>> I INTEND TO RETURN TO MY
PULPIT AND PREACH ON SUNDAY
130
00:06:11,329 --> 00:06:13,664
MORNINGS AND TO TALK TO THE
PEOPLE.
131
00:06:13,664 --> 00:06:16,584
>> Stephen: MAYBE THE REVEREND
CAN HIRE THIS
132
00:06:16,584 --> 00:06:19,587
ON ELECTION NIGHT, LOEFFLER
REFUSED TO CONCEDE.
133
00:06:19,587 --> 00:06:21,506
>> WE'RE GONNA WIN THIS
ELECTION.
134
00:06:21,506 --> 00:06:23,382
WE'RE GONNA SAVE THIS COUNTRY.
135
00:06:23,382 --> 00:06:25,635
WE GOT SOME WORK TO DO HERE.
136
00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:27,887
THIS IS A GAME OF INCHES.
137
00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:29,597
>> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY, I SEE
WHAT YOU DID WRONG THERE.
138
00:06:29,597 --> 00:06:31,933
IT'S ACTUALLY A GAME OF VOTES,
AND HE GOT MORE.
139
00:06:31,933 --> 00:06:35,353
IT TOOK UNTIL WEDNESDAY BUT,
EVENTUALLY, THE OTHER RACE WAS
140
00:06:35,353 --> 00:06:38,898
CALLED FOR INVESTIGATIVE
JOURNALIST AND BOY DEMANDING
141
00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:43,069
THAT BEDTIME BE PUSHED TO 9:15,
JON OSSOFF, WHO DEFEATED
142
00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:47,198
INCUMBENT SENATOR AND MAN
SHOWING JUST HOW BIG OF A TOOL
143
00:06:47,198 --> 00:06:48,533
HE IS, DAVID PERDUE.
144
00:06:48,533 --> 00:06:51,410
THE BIG NEWS IS, WITH THESE
VICTORIES, THE DEMOCRATS WILL
145
00:06:51,410 --> 00:06:52,745
NOW CONTROL THE SENATE.
146
00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:55,081
IT'S BEEN SO LONG, THEY'RE GOING
TO HAVE TO FLIP THROUGH THE
147
00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:57,917
OWNER'S MANUAL.
148
00:06:57,917 --> 00:07:00,878
"HEY, HEY, LOOK AT THIS!
149
00:07:00,878 --> 00:07:04,590
DID YOU KNOW WE'RE ALLOWED TO
HOLD VOTES?
150
00:07:04,590 --> 00:07:06,968
OOH, HEATED POWER SEATS."
151
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:07,760
IT ALSO MEANS THAT SENATOR CHUCK
SCHUMER WILL REPLACE SENATOR
152
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,804
MITCH McCONNELL AS MAJORITY
LEADER.
153
00:07:09,804 --> 00:07:14,725
THAT OUGHT TO WIPE THE SMILE OFF
OF McCONNELL'S...
154
00:07:14,725 --> 00:07:16,227
FACE?
155
00:07:16,227 --> 00:07:22,608
CAN WE CHECK, JIM?
156
00:07:22,608 --> 00:07:25,153
THE SENATE WILL ACTUALLY BE
SPLIT 50-50, WITH VICE
157
00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:27,989
PRESIDENT-ELECT KAMALA HARRIS
HOLDING THE TIEBREAKER THAT
158
00:07:27,989 --> 00:07:30,992
DETERMINES CONTROL.
159
00:07:30,992 --> 00:07:35,413
SO, ESSENTIALLY, HARRIS IS STILL
GOING TO BE A SENATOR.
160
00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:36,664
PRETTY ON BRAND FOR AMERICA TO
ELECT THEIR FIRST WOMAN VICE
161
00:07:36,664 --> 00:07:39,959
PRESIDENT AND MAKE HER DO HER
OLD JOB,TOO.
162
00:07:39,959 --> 00:07:43,963
ONLY PAY HER FOR ONE OF THEM.
163
00:07:43,963 --> 00:07:45,256
FAILURE FALLS AT THE FEET OF THE
PRESIDENT.
164
00:07:45,256 --> 00:07:50,678
THE GEORGIA G.O.P. NEEDED HIM TO
RALLY HIS BASE, BUT INSTEAD, HE
165
00:07:50,678 --> 00:07:54,473
DEMONIZED THE STATE'S REPUBLICAN
LEADERS AND PEDDLED BASELESS
166
00:07:54,473 --> 00:07:55,933
CLAIMS THAT GEORGIA'S ELECTORAL
SYSTEM WAS RIGGED.
167
00:07:55,933 --> 00:07:58,561
NOT EXACTLY A WINNING STRATEGY.
168
00:07:58,561 --> 00:08:01,772
IT REMINDS ME OF THIS STIRRING
PREGAME SPEECH FROM COACH
169
00:08:01,772 --> 00:08:02,773
TAYLOR:
>> RIGGED GAME!
170
00:08:02,773 --> 00:08:04,650
YOU SUCK!
171
00:08:04,650 --> 00:08:06,152
LET'S LOSE!
172
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:07,778
>> Stephen: EVEN ONE OF THE
PRESIDENT'S OWN ADVISERS
173
00:08:07,778 --> 00:08:10,781
SAID,"THE PRESIDENT (BLEEP) THE
PARTY.
174
00:08:10,781 --> 00:08:13,284
HE (BLEEP) THE PARTY.
175
00:08:13,284 --> 00:08:15,369
SO THE BAD NEWS FOR THE G.O.P.
176
00:08:15,369 --> 00:08:15,828
IS YOU GOT SCREWED.
177
00:08:15,828 --> 00:08:16,662
THE GOOD NEWS?
178
00:08:16,662 --> 00:08:22,335
YOU GET A CHECK FOR $130,000.
179
00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:25,713
( ♪ GROOVE IS IN THE HEART ♪ )
>> ONE MORE SLAM FOR THE ROAD!
180
00:08:25,713 --> 00:08:28,716
>> Stephen: THIS COMES AFTER THE
PRESIDENT ALREADY LOST IN
181
00:08:28,716 --> 00:08:34,013
GEORGIA IN NOVEMBER, THEN LOST A
RECOUNT, THEN LOST A RECOUNT OF
182
00:08:34,013 --> 00:08:35,848
THE RECOUNT, AND THEN, TUESDAY,
LOST TWO RUNOFFS.
183
00:08:35,848 --> 00:08:39,727
THIS GUY HAS LOST GEORGIA FIVE
TIMES.
184
00:08:39,727 --> 00:08:44,315
AND WHAT DOES HE HAVE TO SHOW
FOR IT?
185
00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:44,690
>> YOU GET NOTHING!
186
00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:46,734
YOU LOSE!
187
00:08:46,734 --> 00:08:50,696
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR THAT
ANALYSIS, WILLY.
188
00:08:50,696 --> 00:08:53,783
SPEAKING OF THE PRESIDENT
LOSING: THE PRESIDENT LOST.
189
00:08:53,783 --> 00:08:56,994
WHICH MEANS BIDEN'S INAUGURATION
IS GOING TO HAPPEN ON JANUARY
190
00:08:56,994 --> 00:08:59,372
20, WHETHER THE PRESIDENT LIKES
IT OR NOT.
191
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:02,250
FOR THE RECORD, NOT.
192
00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:03,584
THANKS TO THE PANDEMIC, THEY'RE
MAKING SOME ADJUSTMENTS TO
193
00:09:03,584 --> 00:09:06,837
BIDEN'S SWEARING-IN CEREMONY.
194
00:09:06,837 --> 00:09:09,215
FOR INSTANCE, THEY'VE ELIMINATED
THE TRADITIONAL INAUGURAL
195
00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:10,216
PARADE.
196
00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:10,758
SO TO ALL YOU DIE-HARD
INAUG-HEADS OUT THERE, I'M
197
00:09:10,758 --> 00:09:13,886
SORRY.
198
00:09:13,886 --> 00:09:15,429
YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO GO STAND IN
THE COLD AND WAVE AT TRAFFIC ON
199
00:09:15,429 --> 00:09:20,768
YOUR OWN TIME.
200
00:09:20,768 --> 00:09:23,562
COMMITTEE SAYS WILL BE A
SIGNIFICANTLY SCALED-DOWN
201
00:09:23,562 --> 00:09:26,774
CEREMONY THAT WILL FEATURE
STRINGENT HEALTH AND SAFETY
202
00:09:26,774 --> 00:09:29,235
PROTOCOLS.
203
00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:30,778
OF COURSE, THE CURRENT PRESIDENT
WAS WAY AHEAD OF THE CURVE ON
204
00:09:30,778 --> 00:09:34,365
SOCIALLY DISTANCED INAUGURATION.
205
00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:35,783
SPEAKING OF STAINS ON THE
COUNTRY THAT WILL LINGER LONG
206
00:09:35,783 --> 00:09:38,786
PAST THIS PRESIDENT, WE'RE STILL
IN THE MIDDLE OF AN
207
00:09:38,786 --> 00:09:41,789
UNPRECEDENTED PANDEMIC.
208
00:09:41,789 --> 00:09:43,291
AND IT'S CHANGED THE WAY WE DO
ALMOST EVERYTHING, INCLUDING
209
00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:44,750
WATCHING MOVIES.
210
00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:47,837
WE'RE CATCHING EVEN THE BIGGEST
NEW BLOCKBUSTERS AT HOME ON THE
211
00:09:47,837 --> 00:09:52,091
COUCH, AND LAST MONTH, WARNER
BROTHERS ANNOUNCED ALL ITS 2021
212
00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:55,094
FILMS WILL ARRIVE IN THEATERS
AND STREAMING ON HBO MAX
213
00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:58,139
SIMULTANEOUSLY, INCLUDING
"THE MATRIX 4."
214
00:09:58,139 --> 00:10:00,725
THAT'S SO EXCITING!
215
00:10:00,725 --> 00:10:04,145
I CAN'T WAIT TO ESCAPE INTO A
FANTASY WORLD WHERE ALL HUMAN
216
00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:07,773
CONTACT IS VIRTUAL AND WE'RE
KEPT IMMOBILE WHILE CONSUMING
217
00:10:07,773 --> 00:10:12,695
HIGH-CALORIE SLUDGE.
218
00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:16,490
EVERYONE IS WONDERING WHEN GOING
TO THE MOVIES AND WHEN IT WILL
219
00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:18,784
FEEL NORMAL AGAIN.
220
00:10:18,784 --> 00:10:20,453
AND WHEN THAT TIME FINALLY
COMES, WE'VE GOT A PREVIEW OF
221
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:24,832
THE MOST-ANTICIPATED FILM OF THE
YEAR.
222
00:10:24,832 --> 00:10:27,918
>> OUR WORLD WAS ABANDONED.
223
00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:31,589
THE PEOPLE DEIFIED IT, ALONE AND
AFRAID.
224
00:10:31,589 --> 00:10:34,592
DESPERATE FOR A WAY TO COME
TOGETHER.
225
00:10:34,592 --> 00:10:35,926
DESPERATE FOR A MOVIE.
226
00:10:35,926 --> 00:10:40,973
REALLY, ANY MOVIE IN A THEATER
WOULD BE GREAT.
227
00:10:40,973 --> 00:10:44,644
>> A ROMANTIC COMEDY, A SPY
THRILLER, OR ANOTHER MARVEL
228
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,145
THING.
229
00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:48,773
I WOULD EVEN SIT THROUGH ONE OF
THOSE MOVIES WHERE A DOG TEACHES
230
00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:55,529
THE FAMILY THE TRUE MEANING OF
JESUS-- OR WHATEVER.
231
00:10:55,529 --> 00:10:57,490
>> TOGETHER, WE WILL SEE THE
LIGHT.
232
00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:59,825
WE WILL HEAR THE SOUND.
233
00:10:59,825 --> 00:11:04,205
AND TOGETHER, WE WILL HAVE TO
SIT THROUGH 20 MINUTES OF ADS
234
00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:06,832
BEFORE THEY EVEN START THE
PREVIEWS.
235
00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:15,966
>> A MUTINY OF FLAVOR IN EVERY
BITE.
236
00:11:15,966 --> 00:11:29,647
♪ ♪ ♪
>> WAIT, THERE'S 400 NEW HOURS
237
00:11:29,647 --> 00:11:31,690
OF "STAR WARS" COMING?
238
00:11:31,690 --> 00:11:33,025
MAYBE I'M GOOD.
239
00:11:33,025 --> 00:11:38,531
>> THIS FILM IS NOT YET RATED AS
THE FUTURE REMAINS A DARK
240
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:39,782
ENIGMA.
241
00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:40,199
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A
BLOCKBUSTER OF A SHOW FOR YOU
242
00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:41,700
TONIGHT.
243
00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:47,039
I'M UNVEILING A NEW INTERVIEW
SEGMENT CALLED "THE COLBERT
244
00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:49,500
QUESTIONNAIR," WHERE I ASK THE
SAME SET OF QUESTIONS TO
245
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:51,085
SUPERSTARS MERYL STREEP, GEORGE
CLOONEY, AND TOM HANKS.
246
00:11:51,085 --> 00:11:52,086
WHICH ONE IS FIRST?
247
00:11:52,086 --> 00:11:54,880
YOU HAVE TO STICK AROUND TO FIND
OUT.
248
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:58,884
IT'S HANKS.
249
00:11:58,884 --> 00:11:59,301
♪ ♪ ♪
250
00:12:20,948 --> 00:12:22,825
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BARK
251
00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:24,326
EVERYBODY.
252
00:12:24,326 --> 00:12:25,744
ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT
DOING THIS SHOW IS GETTING TO
253
00:12:25,744 --> 00:12:27,955
TALK TO ALL SORTS OF FASCINATING
PEOPLE.
254
00:12:27,955 --> 00:12:31,709
IT'S WAY MORE FUN THAN YELLING
INTERVIEW QUESTIONS OUT MY
255
00:12:31,709 --> 00:12:32,918
WINDOW AT STRANGERS.
256
00:12:32,918 --> 00:12:35,588
BUT LATELY, I'VE FOUND MYSELF
CRAVING A DEEPER CONNECTION THAN
257
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:38,924
YOU GET FROM MOST CELEBRITY
INTERVIEWS, LESS "TELL ME ABOUT
258
00:12:38,924 --> 00:12:41,552
YOUR LATEST PROJECT" AND MORE
"TELL ME HOW YOUR ADULT SELF
259
00:12:41,552 --> 00:12:46,932
WOULD BE A DISAPPOINTMENT TO YOU
AS A CHILD."
260
00:12:46,932 --> 00:12:48,809
BY THE WAY, DON'T GET ME
STARTED.
261
00:12:48,809 --> 00:12:51,562
WHICH IS WHY, WE HERE AT "A LATE
SHOW," HAVE BEEN CAREFULLY
262
00:12:51,562 --> 00:12:56,609
CRAFTING A SET OF QUESTIONS
SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED TO DIG
263
00:12:56,609 --> 00:13:04,575
DEEP AND REVEAL MY GUEST'S
TRUEST SELF.
264
00:13:04,575 --> 00:13:05,784
QUESTIONNAIRE."
265
00:13:05,784 --> 00:13:07,328
AND IN ONLY 15 QUESTIONS, IT
COVERS THE FULL SPECTRUM OF THE
266
00:13:07,328 --> 00:13:09,663
HUMAN EXPERIENCE, EVERYTHING
FROM SPIRITUALITY AND THE NATURE
267
00:13:09,663 --> 00:13:12,124
OF FEAR, TO IMPORTANT STUFF LIKE
SANDWICHES.
268
00:13:12,124 --> 00:13:14,793
AND SO I WANTED TO KICK IT OFF
BY ADMINISTERING THIS
269
00:13:14,793 --> 00:13:18,130
SCIENTIFICALLY-INVALID TEST TO
A FEW SCIENTIFICALLY-PROVEN
270
00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:19,298
CELEBRITIES.
271
00:13:19,298 --> 00:13:21,008
I MEAN, NOBODY THAT BIG: YOUR
HANKS, YOUR STREEPS, YOUR
272
00:13:21,008 --> 00:13:21,800
CLOONEYS.
273
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,053
FIRST UP, TOM HANKS.
274
00:13:24,053 --> 00:13:27,014
BUT BEFORE WE GOT TO THE
QUESTIONNAIRE, I ASKED TOM TO
275
00:13:27,014 --> 00:13:30,684
DISCUSS HOW HE REALLY FEELS
ABOUT CELEBRITY INTERVIEWS.
276
00:13:30,684 --> 00:13:35,022
TOM, THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE YET AGAIN.
277
00:13:35,022 --> 00:13:38,192
I'M SURPRISED YOUR HAIR HASN'T
GROWN OUT.
278
00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:41,487
>> WELL, EVERY DAY IT GETS A
LITTLE BETTER.
279
00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:42,988
>> Stephen: I WANT TO TAKE A
LITTLE SIDESTEP RIGHT HERE.
280
00:13:42,988 --> 00:13:46,033
I DON'T KNOW-- ARE YOU A DICK
CAVETT FAN?
281
00:13:46,033 --> 00:13:51,205
DID YOU WATCH--
>> I GREW UP WATCHING DICK
282
00:13:51,205 --> 00:13:51,664
CAVETT.
283
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:52,665
YOU BET.
284
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:53,499
>> Stephen: I LIKE TO WATCH
DICK EVERY SO OFTEN.
285
00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:56,168
I'VE GOTTEN TO KNOW HIM OVER THE
YEARS.
286
00:13:56,168 --> 00:13:59,547
I THINK HE'S A GREAT MODEL FOR
INTERVIEWING AND I JUST WATCHED
287
00:13:59,547 --> 00:14:04,885
AN INTERVIEW HE DID WITH LEE
MARVIN, AND I WANT TO ASK YOU A
288
00:14:04,885 --> 00:14:07,888
QUESTION HE ASKED LEE MARVIN.
289
00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:09,056
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT
INTERVIEWS?
290
00:14:09,056 --> 00:14:11,892
YOU'RE THE BEST AT THEM, TOM.
291
00:14:11,892 --> 00:14:14,061
EVERYBODY-- IT'S PROVERBIAL IN
LATE NIGHT THAT EVERYBODY WANTS
292
00:14:14,061 --> 00:14:16,063
TO SEE THE WORD "HANKS" ON THEIR
BOARD.
293
00:14:16,063 --> 00:14:18,691
TOM HANKS WILL BE HERE.
294
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:21,068
EVERYTHING IS UP THERE ON THE
SCREEN.
295
00:14:21,068 --> 00:14:23,028
THAT'S HOW YOU TRAINED YOURSELF.
296
00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:26,156
DOES IT EVER BOTHER YOU THAT YOU
HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE THING YOU
297
00:14:26,156 --> 00:14:28,075
SPENT ALL THE TIME MAKING.
298
00:14:28,075 --> 00:14:31,537
WHY DO I HAVE TO TELL
EVERYBODY?"
299
00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:36,875
>> I WISH I HAD THE INTIMIDATION
FACTOR LEE MARVIN HAD.
300
00:14:36,875 --> 00:14:40,045
DON'T YOU THINK DICK CAVETT WAS
A LITTLE AFRAID THAT LEE MARVIN
301
00:14:40,045 --> 00:14:43,299
WOULD LOOSEN HIS TIE AND KICK
HIS BUTT RIGHT THERE ON TV?
302
00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:45,884
>> Stephen: I THINK HE WAS
SMOKING CAMEL STRAIGHTS THE
303
00:14:45,884 --> 00:14:47,052
WHOLE TIME, TOO.
304
00:14:47,052 --> 00:14:50,598
( LAUGHTER )
>> DID HE-- DID HE SIT IN THE
305
00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:52,516
CHAIR LIKE THIS WITH A CIGARETTE
ON IT?
306
00:14:52,516 --> 00:14:57,438
YOU KNOW, I SAW HIM-- I SAW HIM
ON "THE JOHNNY CARSON SHOW"
307
00:14:57,438 --> 00:15:01,692
MANY, MANY YEARS AGO, AND JOHNNY
CARSON SAID-- NOT TO MIX UP--
308
00:15:01,692 --> 00:15:05,446
I'M ON "STEPHEN COLBERT" WE'RE
TALKING ABOUT DICK CAVETT AND
309
00:15:05,446 --> 00:15:09,950
I'M PULLING UP A JOHNNY CARSON.
310
00:15:09,950 --> 00:15:11,910
>> Stephen: WHO HE WROTE FOR.
311
00:15:11,910 --> 00:15:15,873
>> AND THE JERRY LEWIS SHOW
BRIEFLY.
312
00:15:15,873 --> 00:15:22,212
ANYWAY, LEE MARVIN SAID-- DICK
CAVETT-- JIMMY FALL-- NO.
313
00:15:22,212 --> 00:15:26,759
JOHNNY CARSON SAID TO LEE MARVIN
"YOU'RE A WAR HERO.
314
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:27,926
YOU GOT A MEDAL.
315
00:15:27,926 --> 00:15:30,429
YOU GOT A MEDAL IN WORLD WAR
II."
316
00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:34,558
HE SAID, JOHNNY, I I WAS NOT A
WAR MERO.
317
00:15:34,558 --> 00:15:36,769
I GOT SHOT IN THE ASS.
318
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:38,937
AND I WAS SITTING THERE BLEEDING
I LOOKED DOWN ON THE BEACH AND I
319
00:15:38,937 --> 00:15:39,396
SAW A WAR HERO.
320
00:15:39,396 --> 00:15:42,232
I SAW A WAR HERO.
321
00:15:42,232 --> 00:15:45,444
I SAW A BEACH MASTER THAT WAS
GUIDING AND LANDING CRAFT WITH
322
00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:49,573
RED FLAGS UNDER ENEMY FIRE ON
THE BEACH AT IWO JIMA.
323
00:15:49,573 --> 00:15:54,912
THAT MAN WAS A WAR HERO, AND
THAT MAN WAS SERGEANT BOB
324
00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:55,537
QUICHEAM.
325
00:15:55,537 --> 00:15:59,917
YOU KNOW WHO BOB KESHAM IS.
326
00:15:59,917 --> 00:16:03,337
>> Stephen: CAPTAIN KANGAROO.
327
00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:07,091
THE GUY WE GREW UP WITH AS
CAPTAIN KANGAROO GREW UP GUIDING
328
00:16:07,091 --> 00:16:10,135
IN LANDING CRAFT DURING THE
INVASION OF IWO JIMA.
329
00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:12,638
>> Stephen: HOLY COW.
330
00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:16,975
>> IF I WAS GOING TO BE ON "THE
DICK CAVETT SHOW" WITH HIM, YOU
331
00:16:16,975 --> 00:16:19,853
KNOW, LIKE IF WE WERE ALL ON THE
SAME --
332
00:16:19,853 --> 00:16:21,313
>> Stephen: SURE.
333
00:16:21,313 --> 00:16:23,482
>> THE QUESTION ABOUT IWO JIMA
WOULD BE THE THIRD THING I WOULD
334
00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:24,692
ASK HIM.
335
00:16:24,692 --> 00:16:28,487
BECAUSE I'D ACTUALLY LIKE TO
KNOW FIRST WHO WAS THE VOICE OF
336
00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:29,697
MR. MOOSE.
337
00:16:29,697 --> 00:16:32,366
AND, REALLY, COULD GRANDFATHER
CLOCK ACTUALLY TALK LIKE THAT?
338
00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:33,992
THOSE WOULD BE THE QUESTIONS I'D
--
339
00:16:33,992 --> 00:16:37,371
>> Stephen: THE QUESTION I
WOULD ASK IS, "WHEN THE TRAIN
340
00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:44,128
CAME AROUND PAST THE SILO FULL
OF RICE KRISPIES WHY DIDN'T IT
341
00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:45,254
FILL IT UP EVERY TIME."
342
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:49,550
THAT'S WHAT I WAS WAITING FOR
EVERY DAY BEFORE GOING TO
343
00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:50,426
SCHOOL.
344
00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:51,593
>> WE NEEDED TO HAVE MYSTERIES.
345
00:16:51,593 --> 00:16:54,722
OTHERWISE WE WOULD HAVE GROWN UP
THINKING THERE WERE SIMPLE
346
00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:56,724
ANSWERS TO ALL OF LIFE'S PROBLEM
S.
347
00:16:56,724 --> 00:17:00,686
>> Stephen: I'D LOVE TO ASK
YOU A MILLION QUESTIONS, BUT I
348
00:17:00,686 --> 00:17:02,813
CAN'T, SO I DISTILLED EVERYTHING
POSSIBLY WORTH KNOWING ABOUT A
349
00:17:02,813 --> 00:17:05,441
PERSON DOWN TO 15 SIMPLE
QUESTIONS.
350
00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:09,194
TOM HANKS, ARE YOU READY FOR THE
"COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE?"
351
00:17:09,194 --> 00:17:11,238
>> HIT IT.
352
00:17:18,245 --> 00:17:20,247
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: TOM HANKS, WHAT IS
353
00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:22,499
THE BEST SANDWICH?
354
00:17:22,499 --> 00:17:26,211
>> HAM-- HAM ON SWISS, NO
TOMATO, LETTUCE AND MUSTARD.
355
00:17:26,211 --> 00:17:30,257
>> Stephen: WHAT'S ONE THING
THAT YOU OWN THAT YOU REALLY
356
00:17:30,257 --> 00:17:34,762
SHOULD THROW OUT?
357
00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:41,059
>> UH, UH...
358
00:17:41,059 --> 00:17:43,562
>> Stephen: ONE OF THOSE TYPE
WRITERS?
359
00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:44,688
BECAUSE YOU HAVE TWO.
360
00:17:44,688 --> 00:17:47,775
I HAPPEN TO KNOW YOU HAVE TWO
RIGHT NOW.
361
00:17:47,775 --> 00:17:48,233
>> HELL NO!
362
00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:50,861
HELL NO!
363
00:17:50,861 --> 00:17:51,403
YOU NEVER THROW OUT A TYPE
WRITER.
364
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,781
I HAVE SOOCH STATIONARY.
365
00:17:53,781 --> 00:17:55,282
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE
SCARIEST ANIMAL, TOM?
366
00:17:55,282 --> 00:18:01,288
>> THAT WOULD BE A TYPE OF WORM
THAT LIVES IN THE SAND OF THE
367
00:18:01,288 --> 00:18:01,872
BEACHES OF AUSTRALIA.
368
00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:03,582
I'LL SEND YOU A PICTURE.
369
00:18:03,582 --> 00:18:04,875
IT WILL HAUNT YOUR DREAM S.
370
00:18:04,875 --> 00:18:06,210
>> Stephen: WHAT HAPPENS?
371
00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:09,963
>> WELL, THEY'RE THESE THINGS
AND THEY COME UP AND THEY HAVE
372
00:18:09,963 --> 00:18:12,925
THESE HEADS THAT IF YOU LOOK AT
THEM CLOSE, THEY HONESTLY LOOK
373
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:20,933
LIKE SOMETHING THAT THE
MANDALORIN HAD TO FLEE FROM.
374
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:22,226
>> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES?
375
00:18:22,226 --> 00:18:24,269
>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH ORANGES.
376
00:18:24,269 --> 00:18:27,606
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T
PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON AN OWNER,
377
00:18:27,606 --> 00:18:28,899
RIGHT?
378
00:18:28,899 --> 00:18:31,318
YOU CAN PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON A
SLICE OF APPLE.
379
00:18:31,318 --> 00:18:33,237
>> THAT'S NOT WHY I EAT FRUIT.
380
00:18:33,237 --> 00:18:34,321
I DON'T VIEW FRUIT AS A PEANUT
BUTTER DELIVERY SYSTEM.
381
00:18:34,321 --> 00:18:38,492
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER
ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR
382
00:18:38,492 --> 00:18:38,951
AUTOGRAPH?
383
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:39,952
>> YES.
384
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:43,330
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU MIND
SHARING WHO THAT IS?
385
00:18:43,330 --> 00:18:48,836
>> IT WAS-- I THOUGHT-- THE VERY
FIRST TIME I EVER WENT TO A
386
00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:51,255
BASEBALL GAME WHEN I WAS SEVEN
YEARS OLD, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE
387
00:18:51,255 --> 00:18:57,344
VERY EASY JUST TO GO DOWN TO THE
GIANTS' CLUBHOUSE IN CANDLESTICK
388
00:18:57,344 --> 00:19:02,015
PARK, EXPLAIN TO EVERYBODY
AROUND ME THAT I WANTED WILLIE
389
00:19:02,015 --> 00:19:04,309
MAYS' AUTOGRAPH, AND I JUST
CRAWLED OUT TO THE EDGE AND
390
00:19:04,309 --> 00:19:08,188
STUCK MY HEAD OVER THE SIDE AND
WAVED A PIECE OF PAPER AND A PEN
391
00:19:08,188 --> 00:19:11,525
WILLIE MAZE WOULD BE, "OF COURSE
KID," DURING THE GAME.
392
00:19:11,525 --> 00:19:16,989
I HAD SEEN TOO MANY TV SHOWS
WHERE-- AND WE WEREN'T ALLOWED
393
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,156
EVEN UP CLOSE.
394
00:19:18,156 --> 00:19:19,449
I DIDN'T GET THE AUTOGRAPH, BUT
I WANTED IT.
395
00:19:19,449 --> 00:19:22,619
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK
HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE?
396
00:19:22,619 --> 00:19:25,372
>> I THINK WE GET TO RACE
AUTOMOBILES.
397
00:19:25,372 --> 00:19:30,669
I THINK WE GET TO PUT ON CRASH
HELMETS AND BEAT A.J. FOYT.
398
00:19:30,669 --> 00:19:33,380
>> Stephen: FAVORITE ACTION
MOVIE.
399
00:19:33,380 --> 00:19:37,009
>> "THE DIRTY DOZEN."
400
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:43,015
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT LEE
MARVIN WAS TALKING TO CAVETT
401
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:44,099
ABOUT, "THE DIRTY DOZEN."
402
00:19:44,099 --> 00:19:46,268
THAT'S WHAT MARVIN WAS TALKING
ABOUT IN THE INTERVIEW.
403
00:19:46,268 --> 00:19:51,398
CAVETT SAID, "YOU WERE IN WAR.
404
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:57,571
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE
DEPICTION OF WAR IN MOVIES?
405
00:19:57,571 --> 00:19:58,405
SOME PEOPLE SAY 'THE DIRTY
DOZEN'."
406
00:19:58,405 --> 00:20:01,408
THAT GIVES YOU A SNAPSHOT INTO
THE 60s.
407
00:20:01,408 --> 00:20:04,328
SOME PEOPLE THOUGHT THAT
GALORIFIED WAR IN A WAY THAT
408
00:20:04,328 --> 00:20:08,832
REALLY SHOULDN'T BE SORT OF
ADVERTISED ON THE SCREEN.
409
00:20:08,832 --> 00:20:12,586
AND HE SAID, "NAH, I DON'T THINK
SO"
410
00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:15,881
HE GOES, "FILM IS REALLY ABOUT
PUTTING THE TEAM TOGETHER AND
411
00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:20,427
THE TRAINING THAT WE DID,
PARACHUTING INTO THE-- INTO THE
412
00:20:20,427 --> 00:20:22,721
CASTLE OR THE PALACE, OR
WHATEVER IT WAS.
413
00:20:22,721 --> 00:20:27,351
AND ALL OF THAT WAS THE SECOND
HALF THAT WE PAID OFF SO THE
414
00:20:27,351 --> 00:20:30,729
AUDIENCE COULD ENJOY THE FIRST
HALF BECAUSE THEY KNEW THAT WAS
415
00:20:30,729 --> 00:20:31,855
COMING.
416
00:20:31,855 --> 00:20:34,191
>> IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO KILL
NAZIS, DICK.
417
00:20:34,191 --> 00:20:37,194
I ALWAYS FIND THAT A GOOD SOURCE
OF FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT.
418
00:20:37,194 --> 00:20:38,528
>> Stephen: EXACTLY.
419
00:20:38,528 --> 00:20:44,201
>> I SAW-- I SAW "THE DIRTY
DOZEN" ON A BLACK AND WHITE TV
420
00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:46,453
WITH COMMERCIALS ON IT, AND YOU
COULD NOT HAVE CONVINCED ME THAT
421
00:20:46,453 --> 00:20:49,122
IT WAS NOT THE GREATEST MOTION
PICTURE EVER MADE.
422
00:20:49,122 --> 00:20:50,457
>> Stephen: PRETTY GOOD MOVIE.
423
00:20:50,457 --> 00:20:51,458
PRETTY GOOD MOVIE.
424
00:20:51,458 --> 00:20:53,293
>> GOOD MOVIE.
425
00:20:53,293 --> 00:20:55,545
>> Stephen: YEAH IT'S-- YOU
KNOW, NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THE
426
00:20:55,545 --> 00:20:56,296
REAL THING.
427
00:20:56,296 --> 00:20:57,923
THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.
428
00:20:57,923 --> 00:20:59,549
>> HOW ABOUT THAT?
429
00:20:59,549 --> 00:21:09,393
>> Stephen: HE GOES, "NOBODY
WANTS TO GO TO A NEWS REEL."
430
00:21:09,393 --> 00:21:10,435
FAVORITE SMELL.
431
00:21:10,435 --> 00:21:11,353
>> VANILLA.
432
00:21:11,353 --> 00:21:11,645
>> Stephen: EXERCISE, WORTH
IT?
433
00:21:11,645 --> 00:21:14,231
>> YES.
434
00:21:14,231 --> 00:21:17,567
>> Stephen: FLAT--
>> YOU TELL-- YOU TELL ME.
435
00:21:17,567 --> 00:21:18,318
>> Stephen: COME ON, MAN.
436
00:21:18,318 --> 00:21:19,569
>> LET ME TIGHTEN MY SWEATER.
437
00:21:19,569 --> 00:21:23,115
CHECK OUT-- CHECK OUT THIS
TRUNK.
438
00:21:23,115 --> 00:21:23,657
COME ON.
439
00:21:23,657 --> 00:21:25,283
LOOK AT THAT TRUNK!
440
00:21:25,283 --> 00:21:27,244
>> Stephen: WOW, FOR A MAN OF
YOUR HEIGHT.
441
00:21:27,244 --> 00:21:29,496
>> IT'S THE CORE, BABY, IT'S THE
CORE.
442
00:21:29,496 --> 00:21:32,124
>> Stephen: FLAT OR SPARKLING?
443
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:32,958
>> SPARKLING.
444
00:21:32,958 --> 00:21:35,460
>> Stephen: LET'S HAVE A
PARTY.
445
00:21:35,460 --> 00:21:37,629
MOST-USED APP ON YOUR PHONE.
446
00:21:37,629 --> 00:21:40,257
>> I'M GOING TO SAY THE CAMERA.
447
00:21:40,257 --> 00:21:43,510
BECAUSE I-- I GOT RID OF A BUNCH
OF APPS.
448
00:21:43,510 --> 00:21:46,013
>> Stephen: DOES THAT QUALIFY
AS AN APP?
449
00:21:46,013 --> 00:21:47,806
>> IS THAT AN APP.
450
00:21:47,806 --> 00:21:52,185
>> Stephen: THAT IS A
CAPABILITY ON YOUR PHONE, NOT AN
451
00:21:52,185 --> 00:21:53,603
APP.
452
00:21:53,603 --> 00:21:56,148
>> I WILL GO TO TUNE IN RADIO
BECAUSE YOU CAN LISTEN TO ANY
453
00:21:56,148 --> 00:21:56,940
RADIO STATION IN THE WORLD.
454
00:21:56,940 --> 00:21:58,150
>> Stephen: DIG IT.
455
00:21:58,150 --> 00:22:01,778
YOU GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT
456
00:22:01,778 --> 00:22:03,321
IS IT?
457
00:22:03,321 --> 00:22:14,374
>> I'M GOING TO SAY "OUR LIPS
ARE SEALED" BY THE GO GO OS
458
00:22:14,374 --> 00:22:16,043
( LAUGHTER ).
459
00:22:16,043 --> 00:22:26,053
WHAT DID YOU DO?>> YOU DID NOTHI
BUT I'M GOING TO IMAGINE THAT
460
00:22:26,053 --> 00:22:27,179
FOREVER.
461
00:22:27,179 --> 00:22:30,557
♪ ♪ ♪
CAN YOU HEAR THEM TALKING ABOUT
462
00:22:30,557 --> 00:22:33,560
US
TELLING LIES
463
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:34,561
THAT'S NOT SURPRISE.
464
00:22:34,561 --> 00:22:40,525
CAN YOU LOOK AT THEM, LOOK RIGHT
THROUGH THEM
465
00:22:40,525 --> 00:22:42,194
NOTHING CAN BE REVEALED.
466
00:22:42,194 --> 00:22:44,529
DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THEY SAY IN
THE JEALOUS GAMES PEOPLE PLAY.
467
00:22:44,529 --> 00:22:46,531
OUR LIPS ARE SEALED.
468
00:22:46,531 --> 00:22:48,575
>> Stephen: I'LL GO FOR
ETERNITY.
469
00:22:48,575 --> 00:22:50,577
WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF?
470
00:22:50,577 --> 00:22:51,495
>> SIX.
471
00:22:51,495 --> 00:22:53,497
>> Stephen: NO.
472
00:22:53,497 --> 00:22:58,168
DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
IN FIVE WORDS.
473
00:22:58,168 --> 00:23:00,545
>> MAGNIFICENT, CAVALCADE OF
COLOR.
474
00:23:00,545 --> 00:23:01,546
>> Stephen: TOM HANKS,
EVERYBODY.
475
00:23:01,546 --> 00:23:03,548
NOW YOU KNOW HIM.
476
00:23:03,548 --> 00:23:08,595
THANK YOU, TOM.
477
00:23:08,595 --> 00:23:12,224
THANKS AGAIN, TOM! WHEN WE COME
BACK, I'LL ASK WHAT MERYL STREEP
478
00:23:12,224 --> 00:23:14,226
ASKED A FORMER PRESIDENT TO
AUTOGRAPH.
479
00:23:30,617 --> 00:23:31,743
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
480
00:23:31,743 --> 00:23:36,081
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, EVEN FROM A
DISTANCE I CAN SENSE YOUR
481
00:23:36,081 --> 00:23:37,624
EXCITEMENT BECAUSE IT'S TIME FOR
THE NEXT INSTALT OF AMERICA'S
482
00:23:37,624 --> 00:23:44,548
FAVORITE GAME SHOW, "THE COLBERT
QUESTIONNAIRE."
483
00:23:44,548 --> 00:23:48,093
AND THE AWARD FOR BEST
PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN
484
00:23:48,093 --> 00:23:50,512
"COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE" GOES
TO... I'M SO EXCITED.
485
00:23:50,512 --> 00:23:54,141
I'M SO EXCITED.
486
00:23:54,141 --> 00:23:55,433
MERYL STREEP!
487
00:23:55,433 --> 00:23:58,103
HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE HERE WITH
MERYL STREEP.
488
00:23:58,103 --> 00:24:02,149
MERYL, THANKS SO MUCH FOR
AGREEING TO BE PART OF TONIGHT'S
489
00:24:02,149 --> 00:24:03,233
QUESTIONNAIRE.
490
00:24:03,233 --> 00:24:04,609
NOW WE GET INTO THE HEAT OF THE
MEAT.
491
00:24:04,609 --> 00:24:06,611
THIS IS THE ACTUAL 15 QUESTIONS
ON THE "COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE"
492
00:24:06,611 --> 00:24:10,615
THAT HELPED REVEAL EXACTLY WHO A
PERSON IS.
493
00:24:10,615 --> 00:24:13,618
ALL RIGHT?
494
00:24:13,618 --> 00:24:16,454
IT-- IT'S GOING TO BE PAINLESS,
I PROMISE YOU.
495
00:24:16,454 --> 00:24:17,789
>> OKAY.
496
00:24:17,789 --> 00:24:20,458
>> Stephen: IF AT ANY POINT
YOU SAY, "I DON'T WANT TO DO
497
00:24:20,458 --> 00:24:22,669
THIS," WALK AWAY.
498
00:24:22,669 --> 00:24:25,964
JUST WALK AWAY FROM THE CAMERA,
MERYL.
499
00:24:25,964 --> 00:24:27,591
MERYL STREEP, WHAT IS THE BEST
SANDWICH?
500
00:24:27,591 --> 00:24:29,676
>> PASTRAMI.
501
00:24:29,676 --> 00:24:31,678
>> Stephen: ON?
502
00:24:31,678 --> 00:24:33,513
>> RYE.
503
00:24:33,513 --> 00:24:35,307
>> Stephen: THAT'S THE CORRECT
ANSWER.
504
00:24:35,307 --> 00:24:38,977
WHAT'S ONE THING YOU OWN THAT
YOU SHOULD REALLY THROW OUT?
505
00:24:38,977 --> 00:24:41,688
>> EVERY PIECE OF CLOTHING IN
THERE!
506
00:24:41,688 --> 00:24:46,067
ESPECIALLY THIS SHIRT, WHICH
I'VE WORN ON SEVEN INTERVIEWS.
507
00:24:46,067 --> 00:24:46,985
>> Stephen: WHAT'S WRONG WITH
THE SHIRT?
508
00:24:46,985 --> 00:24:48,987
>> NOTHING, BUT PEOPLE ARE SICK
OF IT.
509
00:24:48,987 --> 00:24:50,447
BUT I HAVE NOTHING ELSE.
510
00:24:50,447 --> 00:24:52,616
AND I WAS THINKING OF WEARING A
PLAID SHIRT, AND NOW YOU ARE
511
00:24:52,616 --> 00:24:56,369
WEARING A PLAID SHIRT, SO IT'S A
GOOD THING I DIDN'T.
512
00:24:56,369 --> 00:24:57,621
>> Stephen: IT'S SIMPLE.
513
00:24:57,621 --> 00:24:59,664
IT'S SILKY.
514
00:24:59,664 --> 00:25:02,500
IT'S GOOD FOR THE HOLIDAYS
BECAUSE IT'S CRANBERRY.
515
00:25:02,500 --> 00:25:03,501
>> EXACTLY.
516
00:25:03,501 --> 00:25:04,294
>> Stephen: IT FITS NEW
ENGLAND WELL.
517
00:25:04,294 --> 00:25:07,005
OKAY, WHAT'S THE SCARIEST
ANIMAL?
518
00:25:07,005 --> 00:25:12,677
>> OOOH!
519
00:25:12,677 --> 00:25:13,887
BLACK WIDOW SPIDER.
520
00:25:13,887 --> 00:25:19,726
WHICH YOU CAN IDENTIFY FROM THE
LITTLE WHITE, SPIKY EGG POD.
521
00:25:19,726 --> 00:25:20,685
YEAH.
522
00:25:20,685 --> 00:25:23,021
>> Stephen: BLACK WIDOW
SPIDER.
523
00:25:23,021 --> 00:25:24,356
OKAY.
524
00:25:24,356 --> 00:25:27,025
AND THE LITTLE-- THE HOUR GLASS
ON ITS BELLY, TOO.
525
00:25:27,025 --> 00:25:30,695
>> YES, NO, BUT THE WAY YOU CAN
TELL THE NEST IS IF THAT-- IT
526
00:25:30,695 --> 00:25:33,573
LOOKS LIKE A CORONAVIRUS, BUT
WHITE.
527
00:25:33,573 --> 00:25:34,699
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
528
00:25:34,699 --> 00:25:35,659
>> THAT'S THEIR --
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
529
00:25:35,659 --> 00:25:36,743
>> EGG SACK.
530
00:25:36,743 --> 00:25:41,081
>> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES?
531
00:25:41,081 --> 00:25:41,706
>> APPLES.
532
00:25:41,706 --> 00:25:43,458
>> Stephen: OF COURSE.
533
00:25:43,458 --> 00:25:46,711
AND THE REASON BEING, YOU CAN'T
PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON AN ORANGE.
534
00:25:46,711 --> 00:25:49,548
>> PEOPLE HAVE, THOUGH.
535
00:25:49,548 --> 00:25:50,674
IN MY FAMILY.
536
00:25:50,674 --> 00:25:53,593
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER
ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR
537
00:25:53,593 --> 00:25:54,052
AUTOGRAPH?
538
00:25:54,052 --> 00:25:55,178
>> YES.
539
00:25:55,178 --> 00:25:57,681
>> Stephen: DO YOU MIND
TELLING ME WHO?
540
00:25:57,681 --> 00:25:58,306
>> RICHARD NIXON.
541
00:25:58,306 --> 00:26:00,267
>> Stephen: DID YOU GET IT?
542
00:26:00,267 --> 00:26:01,059
>> AND I GOT IT.
543
00:26:01,059 --> 00:26:05,730
AND IT WAS ON A MILKY WAY
WRAPPER.
544
00:26:05,730 --> 00:26:09,234
AND I WAS 12, AND MY DAD TOOK ME
TO SAN FRANCISCO AND HE WAS IN A
545
00:26:09,234 --> 00:26:10,610
PARADE.
546
00:26:10,610 --> 00:26:12,779
AND I RAN ALONGSIDE THE THING,
AND I REACHED FOR THE WRAPPER
547
00:26:12,779 --> 00:26:15,073
AND HE WROTE HIS NAME ON IT.
548
00:26:15,073 --> 00:26:15,782
>> Stephen: DO YOU STILL HAVE
IT?
549
00:26:15,782 --> 00:26:17,867
>> NO!
550
00:26:17,867 --> 00:26:21,454
>> Stephen: I WROTE RICHARD
NIXON WHEN I WAS.
551
00:26:21,454 --> 00:26:22,747
1972... WHEN I WAS EIGHT YEARS
OLD.
552
00:26:22,747 --> 00:26:25,709
I HAD AN IDEA THERE SHOULD BE
CONTINENTAL FLAGS.
553
00:26:25,709 --> 00:26:26,876
WE HAD STATE FLAGS.
554
00:26:26,876 --> 00:26:29,462
WE HAD CITY FLAGS.
555
00:26:29,462 --> 00:26:31,756
WHY NOT CONTINENTAL FLAGS FOR
UNITY OF NATIONS.
556
00:26:31,756 --> 00:26:36,761
SO I WROTE-- WHAT'S-- WHAT'S
TRUDEAU'S DAD?
557
00:26:36,761 --> 00:26:39,222
PIERRE TRUDEAU.
558
00:26:39,222 --> 00:26:42,309
I WROTE PIERRE TRUDEAU, I WROTE
RICHARD NIXON AND WHOEVER AT THE
559
00:26:42,309 --> 00:26:44,894
TIME WAS THE PRESIDENT OF
MEXICO.
560
00:26:44,894 --> 00:26:49,941
I GOT A LOVELY LETTER BACK FROM
NIXON'S OFFICE SAYING, "THE
561
00:26:49,941 --> 00:26:53,945
PRESIDENT LOVES YOUR IDEA," AND
HE SENT A SIGNED BOOK OF PHOTOS
562
00:26:53,945 --> 00:26:56,323
OF NIXON WITH CHILDREN.
563
00:26:56,323 --> 00:26:59,159
( LAUGHING
( DO I HAVE IT?
564
00:26:59,159 --> 00:27:03,121
NO!
565
00:27:03,121 --> 00:27:03,621
OKAY.
566
00:27:03,621 --> 00:27:04,622
LET'S SEE.
567
00:27:04,622 --> 00:27:09,794
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN
WE DIE?
568
00:27:09,794 --> 00:27:15,842
>> OH... I THINK WE SEE EVERYONE
WE LOVE, AND WE THEN GO BACK AND
569
00:27:15,842 --> 00:27:19,012
INFLUENCE THE LIVES OF EVERYONE
WE'VE LEFT BEHIND.
570
00:27:19,012 --> 00:27:23,141
>> Stephen: I LIKE THAT.
571
00:27:23,141 --> 00:27:25,185
FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE.
572
00:27:29,606 --> 00:27:30,774
>> YOU'VE STUMPED ME.
573
00:27:30,774 --> 00:27:34,486
>> Stephen: THE CORRECT ANSWER
IS "THE RIVER WILD."
574
00:27:34,486 --> 00:27:37,989
( LAUGHS )
OKAY, DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE
575
00:27:37,989 --> 00:27:38,365
SMELL?
576
00:27:38,365 --> 00:27:39,824
>> APPLE PIE.
577
00:27:39,824 --> 00:27:46,998
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A
LEAST-FAVORITE SMELL?
578
00:27:46,998 --> 00:27:47,832
>> HE'S SITTING RIGHT THERE.
579
00:27:47,832 --> 00:27:50,794
I CAN TURN IT RIGHT THERE.
580
00:27:50,794 --> 00:27:53,046
HE PRODUCES THAT SMELL.
581
00:27:53,046 --> 00:27:55,507
BUT HE ISN'T DOING IT NOW, SO...
582
00:27:55,507 --> 00:27:57,842
>> Stephen: EXERCISE, IS IT
WORTH IT?
583
00:27:57,842 --> 00:27:59,219
>> YES, IT IS.
584
00:27:59,219 --> 00:28:00,512
>> Stephen: OKAY.
585
00:28:00,512 --> 00:28:02,680
FLAT OR SPARKLING?
586
00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:03,932
FLAT OR SPARKLING.
587
00:28:03,932 --> 00:28:04,849
>> SPARKLING.
588
00:28:04,849 --> 00:28:09,187
>> Stephen: MOST-USED APP ON
YOUR PHONE.
589
00:28:09,187 --> 00:28:12,482
>> OH, THE PODCAST.
590
00:28:12,482 --> 00:28:17,070
>> Stephen: SURE ONE MORE TIME
WITH THE GESTURE, PLEASE.
591
00:28:17,070 --> 00:28:19,906
AT CBS WE HAVE TO BLUR THAT, I
THINK.
592
00:28:19,906 --> 00:28:23,910
WHAT PODCAST ARE YOU LISTENING
TO, AND SEND ME SOME LINKS.
593
00:28:23,910 --> 00:28:26,871
( LAUGHTER )
OKAY, YOU GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN
594
00:28:26,871 --> 00:28:28,873
TO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
595
00:28:28,873 --> 00:28:31,209
WHAT IS IT?
596
00:28:31,209 --> 00:28:35,880
>> OH HAJERO, JONI MITCHELL.
597
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:39,884
>> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I
THINKING OF?
598
00:28:39,884 --> 00:28:41,511
>> THREE.
599
00:28:41,511 --> 00:28:46,766
>> Stephen: DESCRIBE THE REST
OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS.
600
00:28:46,766 --> 00:28:50,895
>> VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY LONG.
601
00:28:50,895 --> 00:28:53,773
>> Stephen: MERYL STREEP,
EVERYBODY.
602
00:28:53,773 --> 00:28:55,233
NOW YOU KNOW HER.
603
00:28:55,233 --> 00:28:56,401
THANKS AGAIN, MERYL.
604
00:28:56,401 --> 00:28:58,903
WHEN WE COME BACK, GEORGE
CLOONEY REMINDS YOU WHICH FRUIT
605
00:28:58,903 --> 00:28:59,946
IS A GREAT SOURCE OF BONGS.
606
00:29:18,965 --> 00:29:20,967
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK TO
607
00:29:20,967 --> 00:29:23,136
OUR
"COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE"
608
00:29:23,136 --> 00:29:24,387
EXTRAVAGANZ-ERT.
609
00:29:24,387 --> 00:29:25,513
I HOPE YOU'VE BEEN PLAYING
ALONG AT HOME TO FIND OUT IF
610
00:29:25,513 --> 00:29:28,600
YOU'RE MORE OF A TOM HANKS OR A
MERYLL STREEP.
611
00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:31,060
AND IF IT TURNS OUT YOU'RE
EITHER ONE OF THEM, COME
612
00:29:31,060 --> 00:29:31,728
BACK ON MY SHOW!
613
00:29:31,728 --> 00:29:34,481
I'M A HUGE FAN.
614
00:29:34,481 --> 00:29:37,901
NEXT UP: THE ONE, AND PRESUMABLY
ONLY, GEORGE CLOONEY.
615
00:29:37,901 --> 00:29:40,612
GEORGE, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
BEING HERE, ALWAYS A PLEASURE,
616
00:29:40,612 --> 00:29:43,156
SECOND TIME I'VE HAD YOU IN SIX
YEARS.
617
00:29:43,156 --> 00:29:45,492
THE PACE IS REALLY PICKING UP.
618
00:29:45,492 --> 00:29:47,744
I RARELY GET TO TALK WITH YOU.
619
00:29:47,744 --> 00:29:52,457
AND IN TV INTERVIEWS, IT'S
SOMETIMES HARD TO GET TO THE
620
00:29:52,457 --> 00:29:53,958
CORE OF A GUEST IN A SHORT
PERIOD OF TIME.
621
00:29:53,958 --> 00:29:55,919
BUT, OBVIOUSLY, THAT'S MY JOB.
622
00:29:55,919 --> 00:30:00,465
SO WHAT WE'VE DEVISED HERE AT
THE SHOW IS A WAY TO GET THE
623
00:30:00,465 --> 00:30:03,301
ESSENCE OF A GUEST IN JUST 15
QUESTIONS.
624
00:30:03,301 --> 00:30:06,429
IT'S CALLED THE "COLBERT
QUESTIONNAIRE."
625
00:30:06,429 --> 00:30:08,264
GEORGE CLOONEY, ARE YOU READY TO
SIT FOR THE QUESTIONNAIRE?
626
00:30:08,264 --> 00:30:10,099
>> I AM, STEPHEN.
627
00:30:10,099 --> 00:30:10,850
I'M READY.
628
00:30:10,850 --> 00:30:12,477
>> Stephen: OKAY, HERE WE GO.
629
00:30:12,477 --> 00:30:16,272
NUMBER ONE, GEORGE CLOONEY WHAT
IS THE BEST SANDWICH?
630
00:30:16,272 --> 00:30:17,899
>> I LIKE A HAM SANDWICH.
631
00:30:17,899 --> 00:30:19,067
>> Stephen: JUST-- JUST HAM?
632
00:30:19,067 --> 00:30:23,655
YOU DON'T WANT--
>> OH, YOU MEAN THE WHOLE THING.
633
00:30:23,655 --> 00:30:28,117
HAM, LETTUCE, TOMATO, A LITTLE
MUSTARD ON IT, A LITTLE TOASTED.
634
00:30:28,117 --> 00:30:30,328
MAYBE A POTATO BREAD.
635
00:30:30,328 --> 00:30:34,666
>> Stephen: VERY SIMILAR
ANSWER TO MR. HANKS.
636
00:30:34,666 --> 00:30:39,963
OKAY, WHAT'S THE ONE THING YOU
OWN THAT YOU REALLY SHOULD THROW
637
00:30:39,963 --> 00:30:40,296
OUT?
638
00:30:40,296 --> 00:30:44,467
>> UHM...
639
00:30:44,467 --> 00:30:45,802
MY FLOWBEE, APPARENTLY.
640
00:30:45,802 --> 00:30:46,844
I SHOULD THROW IT OUT.
641
00:30:46,844 --> 00:30:49,305
>> Stephen: WUF BEEN DOING
YOUR OWN LANDSCAPING?
642
00:30:49,305 --> 00:30:50,807
>> FOR A WHILE NOW.
643
00:30:50,807 --> 00:30:56,062
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE
SCARIEST ANIMAL, GEORGE?
644
00:30:56,062 --> 00:30:57,689
>> SCARIEST ANIMAL.
645
00:30:57,689 --> 00:31:02,110
IN THE SAFARI WORLD, WHICH I DID
FINALLY GO ON ONE OF THESE?
646
00:31:02,110 --> 00:31:03,319
THE HIPPO.
647
00:31:03,319 --> 00:31:05,822
NOBODY-- THE HIPPO IS THE ONE
THAT WILL GET YOU.
648
00:31:05,822 --> 00:31:07,365
>> Stephen: YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.
649
00:31:07,365 --> 00:31:08,366
>> THE HIPPO.
650
00:31:08,366 --> 00:31:10,118
>> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES,
GEORGE?
651
00:31:10,118 --> 00:31:11,703
>> OH, APPLES.
652
00:31:11,703 --> 00:31:14,914
>> Stephen: OBVIOUSLY, BECAUSE
YOU CAN PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON A
653
00:31:14,914 --> 00:31:15,915
SLICE OF APPLE.
654
00:31:15,915 --> 00:31:17,709
>> YOU CAN DO ANYTHING WITH AN
APPLE.
655
00:31:17,709 --> 00:31:19,836
YOU CAN MAKE A BONG OUT OF AN
APPLE.
656
00:31:19,836 --> 00:31:20,378
( LAUGHTER ).
657
00:31:20,378 --> 00:31:20,920
>> Stephen: THANK YOU!
658
00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:21,713
THANK YOU!
659
00:31:21,713 --> 00:31:24,173
YOU KNOW--
>> TELL THAT TO YOUR KIDS.
660
00:31:24,173 --> 00:31:28,177
>> Stephen: I THINK IT'S WAY
TOO LATE.
661
00:31:28,177 --> 00:31:34,851
OKAY, HAVE YOU EVER ASKED
SOMEONE FOR THEIR AUTOGRAPH?
662
00:31:34,851 --> 00:31:36,394
>> YES.
663
00:31:36,394 --> 00:31:37,186
MANY PEOPLE.
664
00:31:37,186 --> 00:31:38,062
I WAS-- GREW UP IN CINCINNATI.
665
00:31:38,062 --> 00:31:41,024
I WAS A HUGE CINCINNATI REDS
BASEBALL FAN.
666
00:31:41,024 --> 00:31:44,569
I HAVE JOHNNY BENCH'S SIGNATURE.
667
00:31:44,569 --> 00:31:47,113
I HAVE JOE MORGAN'S SIGNATURE.
668
00:31:47,113 --> 00:31:51,909
I HAVE PETE ROSE'S SIGNATURE ON
BASEBALL.
669
00:31:51,909 --> 00:31:52,910
>> Stephen: WOW, WOW.
670
00:31:52,910 --> 00:31:53,995
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN
WE DIE, GEORGE?
671
00:31:53,995 --> 00:31:57,582
>> I DON'T KNOW.
672
00:31:57,582 --> 00:31:59,208
I WAS ALWAYS, FOR ME, NOT A
PARTICULARLY RELIGIOUS GUY.
673
00:31:59,208 --> 00:32:02,170
I WAS RAISED CATHOLIC, AS UPPER.
674
00:32:02,170 --> 00:32:07,550
AND I-- I EVENTUALLY SORT OF
MOVED AWAY FROM THAT FOR ME.
675
00:32:07,550 --> 00:32:10,219
NOT QUESTIONING OTHER PEOPLE'S
RELIGION, JUST QUESTIONIN MY
676
00:32:10,219 --> 00:32:11,638
OWN SORT OF BELIEFS.
677
00:32:11,638 --> 00:32:15,767
BUT AS I GET OLDER, I START
RENEGOTIATING THINGS A LITTLE
678
00:32:15,767 --> 00:32:17,143
BIT.
679
00:32:17,143 --> 00:32:19,896
AND I... AND YOU START THINKING,
WELL, MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING.
680
00:32:19,896 --> 00:32:21,981
( LAUGHS )
MAYBE THERE'S A-- MAYBE THERE'S
681
00:32:21,981 --> 00:32:25,443
A BAR SOMEWHERE WHERE YOU CAN
JUST HANG.
682
00:32:25,443 --> 00:32:26,235
>> Stephen: I LIKE THAT.
683
00:32:26,235 --> 00:32:28,613
>> I'M RENEGOTIATING AS A AGE.
684
00:32:28,613 --> 00:32:31,949
>> Stephen: ANOTHER GOOD.
685
00:32:31,949 --> 00:32:32,575
FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE.
686
00:32:32,575 --> 00:32:34,619
>> FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE.
687
00:32:34,619 --> 00:32:35,995
THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.
688
00:32:35,995 --> 00:32:40,917
ALL RIGHT, LET ME THINK QUICKLY,
WHAT'S ONE I JUST ABSOLUTELY
689
00:32:40,917 --> 00:32:42,293
LOVE.
690
00:32:42,293 --> 00:32:45,630
I STILL DIG "DIEHARD AM SM BRUCE
WILLIS WAS SO GREAT IN THAT
691
00:32:45,630 --> 00:32:47,006
SERIES, THE FIRST ONE IN
PARTICULAR.
692
00:32:47,006 --> 00:32:52,261
>> Stephen: SIDE QUESTION, NOT
ON THE CARD, IS "DIE HARD" A
693
00:32:52,261 --> 00:32:53,971
CHRISTMAS MOVIE?
694
00:32:53,971 --> 00:32:54,806
>> ABSOLUTELY NOT.
695
00:32:54,806 --> 00:32:56,140
IT IS NOT.
696
00:32:56,140 --> 00:32:57,475
>> Stephen: WOW, YOU REALIZE
THAT IS A CONTROVERSIAL ANSWER.
697
00:32:57,475 --> 00:32:59,268
>> I KNOW.
698
00:32:59,268 --> 00:33:00,478
BUT IT ISN'T.
699
00:33:00,478 --> 00:33:02,271
>> Stephen: IT'S BEEN
ESTABLISHED IN THE CANON OF
700
00:33:02,271 --> 00:33:04,482
CHRISTMAS MOVIES, "DIE HARD."
701
00:33:04,482 --> 00:33:11,614
IF YOU GO TO NETFLIX AND SEARCH
"CHRISTMAS MOVIES" I ( BLEEP )
702
00:33:11,614 --> 00:33:13,282
NOT, "DIE HARD" WILL BE ONE OF
THE ANSWERS.
703
00:33:13,282 --> 00:33:17,120
>> CHRISTMAS MOVIES ARE FOR THE
FAMILY TO GATHER AROUND AND
704
00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:22,083
CELEBRATE BEING TOGETHER AND
CELEBRATE LIFE AND, YOU KNOW,
705
00:33:22,083 --> 00:33:23,835
AND LOVE.
706
00:33:23,835 --> 00:33:27,338
"DIE HARD" SAY SPECTACULAR FILM,
AS I JUST PICKED IT AS MY ACTION
707
00:33:27,338 --> 00:33:28,381
FILM.
708
00:33:28,381 --> 00:33:31,759
BUT "IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE" IS
YOUR CHRISTMAS MOVIE.
709
00:33:31,759 --> 00:33:33,511
>> Stephen: ARE YOU SAYING YOU
DON'T WANT TO SIT AROUND WITH
710
00:33:33,511 --> 00:33:38,349
THE WHOLE FAMILY WITH THE KIDS
AND GRANDMA AND WATCH HANS
711
00:33:38,349 --> 00:33:42,895
GRUBER FALL OFF OF NOKATOMI
PLAZA?
712
00:33:42,895 --> 00:33:44,147
>> I'LL TEA YOU WHY.
713
00:33:44,147 --> 00:33:45,898
AND THIS IS AN IMPORTANT THING.
714
00:33:45,898 --> 00:33:46,858
GRANDMA IS DEAD.
715
00:33:46,858 --> 00:33:48,067
>> Stephen: THAT WOULD BE
DIFFICULT.
716
00:33:48,067 --> 00:33:50,862
>> MAYBE THAT'S THE AFTERLIFE.
717
00:33:50,862 --> 00:33:56,159
>> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR
FAVORITE SMELL?
718
00:33:56,159 --> 00:33:56,993
>> UHM...
719
00:33:56,993 --> 00:34:01,664
I SUPPOSE WE HAVE-- WHAT'S IT
CALLED?
720
00:34:01,664 --> 00:34:06,919
WE HAVE A FLOWER HERE.
721
00:34:06,919 --> 00:34:07,420
LAVENDER.
722
00:34:07,420 --> 00:34:08,337
>> Stephen: OKAY.
723
00:34:08,337 --> 00:34:10,173
>> LAVENDER IS MY FAVORITE
SMELL.
724
00:34:10,173 --> 00:34:12,675
WE HAVE LAVENDER ALL AROUND THE
HOUSE.
725
00:34:12,675 --> 00:34:13,718
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
726
00:34:13,718 --> 00:34:16,053
>> Stephen: SUPPOSE TO BE VERY
RELAXING.
727
00:34:16,053 --> 00:34:17,221
LEAST-FAVORITE SMELL?
728
00:34:17,221 --> 00:34:21,893
>> OLD LAVENDER, WHICH WAS THE
NAME OF MY FIRST DOG.
729
00:34:21,893 --> 00:34:23,060
LEAST-FAVORITE SMELL.
730
00:34:23,060 --> 00:34:26,397
WELL, LOOK, I WILL BE VERY
STRAIGHT WITH YOU.
731
00:34:26,397 --> 00:34:32,403
MY CHILDREN STILL WEAR NAPPIES
SOME, NOT ALL THE TIME, NOT
732
00:34:32,403 --> 00:34:34,781
DURING THE DAY --
>> Stephen: IN AMERICA, WE
733
00:34:34,781 --> 00:34:36,407
CALL THEM DIAPERS.
734
00:34:36,407 --> 00:34:37,200
IN ENGLAND THEY'RE NAPPIES.
735
00:34:37,200 --> 00:34:38,910
YOU NEED TO BE CONSISTENT,
GEORGE.
736
00:34:38,910 --> 00:34:39,494
>> I'M IN ENGLAND RIGHT NOW.
737
00:34:39,494 --> 00:34:41,746
YOU KNOW, WHEN IN ROME.
738
00:34:41,746 --> 00:34:46,042
AND I WILL TELL YOU, ONCE THEY
GOT ON TO SOLID FOOD, I DON'T
739
00:34:46,042 --> 00:34:52,298
KNOW WHAT HAPPENS FROM HERE TO
HERE, BUT SOMETHING-- I MEAN, IT
740
00:34:52,298 --> 00:34:54,133
WAS SHOCKING, THAT SMELL, YOU
KNOW.
741
00:34:54,133 --> 00:34:56,385
>> Stephen: I KNOW THAT SMELL.
742
00:34:56,385 --> 00:34:56,719
EXERCISE.
743
00:34:56,719 --> 00:34:58,596
WORTH IT?
744
00:34:58,596 --> 00:34:59,597
>> ABSOLUTELY.
745
00:34:59,597 --> 00:35:00,723
I DO TEFER DAY.
746
00:35:00,723 --> 00:35:01,265
>> Stephen: OKAY.
747
00:35:01,265 --> 00:35:03,768
FLAT OR SPARKLING?
748
00:35:03,768 --> 00:35:04,727
>> SPARKLING.
749
00:35:04,727 --> 00:35:06,771
I LIKE A LITTLE LIFT.
750
00:35:06,771 --> 00:35:07,438
>> Stephen: EXACTLY.
751
00:35:07,438 --> 00:35:08,397
THAT'S THE RIGHT ANSWER.
752
00:35:08,397 --> 00:35:11,943
MOST-USED APP ON YOUR PHONE.
753
00:35:11,943 --> 00:35:15,238
>> MOST OF THE-USED-- IN L.A.,
WAZE TO GET AROUND.
754
00:35:15,238 --> 00:35:17,615
>> Stephen: GOOD, OKAY.
755
00:35:17,615 --> 00:35:20,326
YOU GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT
756
00:35:20,326 --> 00:35:22,829
IS IT?
757
00:35:22,829 --> 00:35:26,123
>> UHM, "ALWAYS."
758
00:35:26,123 --> 00:35:29,293
♪ I'LL BE LOVING YOU ALWAYS
♪ WITH A LOVE THAT'S TRUE ALWAYS
759
00:35:29,293 --> 00:35:32,129
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL SONG.
760
00:35:32,129 --> 00:35:34,465
IT'S MY MOM AND DAD'S LOVE SONG.
761
00:35:34,465 --> 00:35:37,176
>> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I
THINKING OF?
762
00:35:37,176 --> 00:35:37,844
>> SEVEN.
763
00:35:37,844 --> 00:35:39,095
>> Stephen: NO.
764
00:35:39,095 --> 00:35:44,475
DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
IN FIVE WORDS.
765
00:35:44,475 --> 00:35:49,188
>> CLEANING UP AFTER MY KIDS.
766
00:35:49,188 --> 00:35:52,358
>> Stephen: GEORGE CLOONEY,
EVERYBODY.
767
00:35:52,358 --> 00:35:54,610
THANK YOU, GEORGE.
768
00:35:54,610 --> 00:35:58,281
YOU ARE NOW KNOWN.
769
00:35:58,281 --> 00:35:59,115
CONGRATULATIONS.
770
00:35:59,115 --> 00:36:02,618
>> THANK YOU FOR THAT.
771
00:36:02,618 --> 00:36:04,036
THANKS AGAIN, GEORGE!
772
00:36:04,036 --> 00:36:04,328
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A
PERFORMANCE BY THE MOUNTAIN
773
00:36:04,328 --> 00:36:31,397
GOATS.
774
00:36:31,397 --> 00:36:36,360
PERFORMING "GET FAMOUS" FROM
THEIR ALBUM,"GETTING INTO
775
00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:39,363
KNIVES," THE MOUNTAIN GOATS!
776
00:36:39,363 --> 00:36:44,327
>> ONE, TWO, THREE.
777
00:36:47,496 --> 00:36:50,917
♪ YOU WERE BORN FOR THIS FASHION
LIFE
778
00:36:50,917 --> 00:36:54,837
♪ YOU WERE BORN FOR THESE
ENDLESS NIGHTS
779
00:36:54,837 --> 00:36:59,008
♪ YOU ALWAYS KNEW SOONER OR
LATER, YOU WERE DESTINED TO
780
00:36:59,008 --> 00:37:02,386
SOMETHING GREATER
♪ YOU TOOK NOTE ON WHAT YOU HAD
781
00:37:02,386 --> 00:37:06,849
TO DO TO GET THE PIECE OF THE
PIE THAT BELONGED TO YOU
782
00:37:06,849 --> 00:37:12,230
♪ YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS
EVER SINCE YOU WERE YOUNG
783
00:37:12,230 --> 00:37:15,608
♪ BE CAREFUL NOT TO CHOKE ON
YOUR TONGUE
784
00:37:15,608 --> 00:37:25,743
♪
♪ ♪ ♪
785
00:37:25,743 --> 00:37:31,666
♪
♪ ♪ ♪
786
00:37:54,438 --> 00:37:58,109
♪ COLD GRAY WORLD ARE THESE
OBEDIENT SHEEP
787
00:37:58,109 --> 00:38:04,448
♪ THEY ACT LIKE THEY KNOW BUT
THEY'RE ALL SOUND ASLEEP
788
00:38:04,448 --> 00:38:07,243
♪ WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO WAKE
UP TO
789
00:38:07,243 --> 00:38:11,205
SOME NICE JUICY BONE TO CHEW
♪ YOU ARRIVE ON THE SCENE
790
00:38:11,205 --> 00:38:14,834
LIKE A MESSAGE FROM GOD
♪ LISTEN TO THE PEOPLE APPLAUD
791
00:38:14,834 --> 00:38:17,420
♪ THIS IS WHAT YOU WERE BORN TO
DO
792
00:38:17,420 --> 00:38:22,800
♪ WESLEY WILLIS TAUGHT ME HOW TO
WRITE ABOUT YOU
793
00:38:22,800 --> 00:38:35,104
♪ GET FAMOUS YOU SHOULD BE
FAMOUS
794
00:38:35,104 --> 00:38:44,947
♪ GO ON AND GET FAMOUS
♪ I WANT YOU TO BE FAMOUS.
795
00:38:44,947 --> 00:38:51,620
♪ GO ON AND GET FAMOUS
♪ I WANT YOU TO BE FAMOUS.
796
00:38:51,620 --> 00:38:59,670
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ LIGHT UP THE SKY LIKE A COMET
797
00:38:59,670 --> 00:39:09,680
MAKE YOURSELF WANT TO VOMIT
♪ SHINE LIKE A CURSED STAR
798
00:39:09,680 --> 00:39:15,853
MAKE YOURSELF WANT TO VOMIT
♪ SHINE LIKE A CURSED STAR
799
00:39:15,853 --> 00:39:20,483
SHOW EVERYBODY
EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE
800
00:39:20,483 --> 00:39:30,534
♪ GET FAMOUS
♪ YOU SHOULD BE FAMOUS GO ON AND
801
00:39:30,534 --> 00:39:36,540
♪ GET FAMOUS
♪ YOU SHOULD BE FAMOUS GO ON AND
802
00:39:36,540 --> 00:39:38,584
GET FAMOUS
♪ I WANT YOU TO BE FAMOUS
803
00:39:47,927 --> 00:39:49,095
>> Stephen: THE MOUNTAIN GOATS,
EVERYBODY!
804
00:39:49,095 --> 00:39:50,137
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
805
00:40:01,023 --> 00:40:03,901
"A LATE SHOW."
806
00:40:03,901 --> 00:40:05,111
JOIN US NEXT WEEK, IF THERE IS
ONE.
807
00:40:05,111 --> 00:40:07,613
MY GUESTS WILL BE CHRIS ROCK,
JAMES COMEY, AND SENATOR BERNIE
808
00:40:07,613 --> 00:40:10,574
SANDERS.
809
00:40:10,574 --> 00:40:13,077
GOOD NIGHT.
810
00:40:15,037 --> 00:40:15,663
Captioning sponsored by CBS
Captioned by
811
00:40:17,623 --> 00:40:22,586
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
812
00:40:22,586 --> 00:40:23,796
>> MERYL STREEP, ONE, TWO,
THREE.
813
00:40:23,796 --> 00:40:27,258
>> Stephen: THESE ZOOM DAYS
BEING WHAT THEY ARE, WE HAVE TO
814
00:40:27,258 --> 00:40:28,592
MAKE SURE WE'RE TECHNICALLY
BUTTONED DOWN.
815
00:40:28,592 --> 00:40:31,053
>> OH, MY GOD.
816
00:40:31,053 --> 00:40:32,054
>> Stephen: VERY MUCH LIKE
DUCT TAPE AND CHICKEN WIRE.