1 00:00:02,293 --> 00:00:03,920 >> AND YOU HAVE REPUBLICANS NOW, LIKE YOUR SENATOR MARCO RUBIO, 2 00:00:04,003 --> 00:00:06,214 WHO IS STANDING UP AND SAYING, YOU KNOW, GOSH, IMPEACHMENT JUST 3 00:00:06,297 --> 00:00:11,469 GETS IN THE WAY OF UNITY. 4 00:00:11,553 --> 00:00:13,596 >> NOW THE DEMOCRATS ARE GOING TO TRY TO REMOVE THE PRESIDENT 5 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:17,976 FROM OFFICE JUST SEVEN DAYS BEFORE HE'S SET TO LEAVE ANYWAY? 6 00:00:18,059 --> 00:00:19,102 I DO NOT SEE HOW THAT UNIFIES THE COUNTRY. 7 00:00:19,185 --> 00:00:22,147 >> I THINK WE NEED TO COME TOGETHER. 8 00:00:22,230 --> 00:00:23,106 >> MEANWHILE... 9 00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:31,656 LET THE HALL OF JUSTICE -- >> HOLY ICE CUBES! 10 00:00:31,740 --> 00:00:36,119 CAPTAIN COLD AND LEX LUTHER ARE FREEZING WASHINGTON, D.C.! 11 00:00:36,202 --> 00:00:38,913 >> SOON THE CAPITOL WILL BE MINE! 12 00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:40,415 >> YOUR PLAN FAILED, LUTHER. 13 00:00:40,498 --> 00:00:41,207 CAPTAIN COLD WAS APPREHENDED. 14 00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:43,501 >> AND RIGHTLY SO. 15 00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:46,129 CAPTAIN COLD SHOULD BE PROSECUTED TO THE FULLEST EXTENT 16 00:00:46,212 --> 00:00:47,255 OF THE LAW! 17 00:00:47,338 --> 00:00:50,133 >> BUT HE WAS UNDER YOUR ORDERS. 18 00:00:50,216 --> 00:00:53,094 NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO POINT FINGERS. 19 00:00:53,178 --> 00:00:55,638 NOW IS THE TIME FOR UNITY! 20 00:00:55,722 --> 00:00:56,973 >> YOU WILL PAY, LUTHER. 21 00:00:57,056 --> 00:00:58,850 BUT I'VE ALREADY LEARNED MY LESSON! 22 00:00:58,933 --> 00:01:00,560 >> I BELIEVE THAT -- -- LEX LUTHER. 23 00:01:00,643 --> 00:01:03,313 HAS LEARNED -- WHOOPS, THAT WAS FROM THE 24 00:01:03,396 --> 00:01:05,356 FIRST TIME I ATTACKED THE CAPITOL. 25 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:06,316 HERE WE GO. 26 00:01:06,399 --> 00:01:09,319 >> LEX LUTHER -- -- TOUCHED THE HOT STOVE ON 27 00:01:09,402 --> 00:01:11,154 WEDNESDAY AND IS UNLIKELY TO TOUCH IT AGAIN -- 28 00:01:11,237 --> 00:01:14,991 >> YES, IT'S VERY UNLIKELY. 29 00:01:15,074 --> 00:01:17,535 NOW, GIVE ME BACK MY TWITTER FEED, OR I WILL DESTROY 30 00:01:17,619 --> 00:01:23,041 WASHINGTON WITH MY MUTANT TERMITE ARMY! 31 00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:26,503 >> ANNOUNCER: IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 32 00:01:26,586 --> 00:01:31,800 TONIGHT: IN SCIENCE EDITION. 33 00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:37,013 PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES CHRIS ROCK AND MUSICAL GUEST 34 00:01:37,096 --> 00:01:38,973 JOSS STONE. 35 00:01:39,057 --> 00:01:43,645 A SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY AUBREY PLAZA. 36 00:01:43,728 --> 00:01:44,771 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HOMIN'. 37 00:01:44,854 --> 00:01:45,772 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE 38 00:01:45,855 --> 00:01:53,363 BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 39 00:01:53,446 --> 00:01:54,697 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY? 40 00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:56,032 WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW." 41 00:01:56,115 --> 00:01:58,201 I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. 42 00:01:58,284 --> 00:02:03,540 YOU KNOW, WHEN I SAW THE EVENTS AT THE CAPITOL LAST WEDNESDAY, I 43 00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:07,001 WAS MORE UPSET THAN I CAN EVER REMEMBER. 44 00:02:07,085 --> 00:02:11,047 I THINK I SAID SO ON AIR, AND A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE SAID TO ME 45 00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:15,093 SENSE, WHAT ABOUT 9/11, STEPHEN? 46 00:02:15,176 --> 00:02:17,720 WELL, YEAH, THAT IS THE MOST HORRIBLE DAY IN AMERICA'S 47 00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:20,932 HISTORY, BUT I WANT TO POINT OUT NO AMERICANS WERE CHEERING TORE 48 00:02:21,015 --> 00:02:26,145 THE TERRORISTS BACK THEN, NO ONE WAS MAKING EXCUSES FOR THE 49 00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:29,357 TERRORISTS, NO ONE WAS PRETENDING THEY WEREN'T 50 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:30,567 TERRITORIES. 51 00:02:30,650 --> 00:02:33,027 AND NOW THAT WE'VE HAD TIME TO LEARN MORE AND SEE MORE OF WHAT 52 00:02:33,111 --> 00:02:35,780 HAPPENED ON THAT TERRIBLE DAY LAST WEEK, ALL I CAN THINK IS, 53 00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:39,242 OH, STEPHEN FROM LAST WEEK, YOU SWEET, NAIVE CHILD, HOW COULD 54 00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:41,411 YOU HAVE BEEN SO CALM? 55 00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:45,415 BECAUSE THIS ATTACK WAS FAR WORSE THAN IT FIRST LOOKED. 56 00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:49,294 THE TERRORISTS WHO STORMED THE CAPITOL WEREN'T JUST A BUNCH 57 00:02:49,377 --> 00:02:54,424 OFIA HOOSE FED A STEADY DIET OF LIES, FAKE JUICE AND MONSTER 58 00:02:54,507 --> 00:02:57,594 ENERGY DRINK, THIS WAS A COORDINATED AND PLANNED ATTEMPT 59 00:02:57,677 --> 00:03:00,388 TO TERRORIZE IF NOT KILL OUR NATION'S ELECTED LEADERS. 60 00:03:00,471 --> 00:03:05,268 AND THE PROMPTER JUST SAID, INSERT JOKE HERE. 61 00:03:05,351 --> 00:03:06,227 CAN WE GET A JOKE IN HERE LATER? 62 00:03:06,311 --> 00:03:06,769 JUST PUT IT IN POST. 63 00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:12,108 THANKS. 64 00:03:12,191 --> 00:03:13,818 BECAUSE WE'RE LEARNING THOSE RIOTERS BROUGHT MORE THAN JUST 65 00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:16,112 STUPID HATS AND PATCHY BEARDS. 66 00:03:16,195 --> 00:03:18,239 THE CHIEF OF THE CAPITOL POLICE, WHO HAS SINCE RESIGNED, WAS 67 00:03:18,323 --> 00:03:24,287 SHOCKED BY WHAT HE SAW, TELLING THE "WASHINGTON POST:" 68 00:03:24,370 --> 00:03:28,291 "THEY CAME WITH RIOT HELMETS, GAS MASKS, SHIELDS, PEPPER 69 00:03:28,374 --> 00:03:30,335 SPRAY, FIREWORKS, CLIMBING GEAR. 70 00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:32,795 CLIMBING GEAR! 71 00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:36,424 EXPLOSIVES, METAL PIPES, BASEBALL BATS." 72 00:03:36,507 --> 00:03:40,136 HOLY DICK'S SPORTING GOODS. 73 00:03:40,219 --> 00:03:42,388 MEANWHILE, AT THE GEORGE FLOYD PROTESTS, THEY WOULDN'T LET 74 00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:47,644 YOU BRING A HOAGIE BECAUSE IT MIGHT'VE MADE THE POLICE HANGRY. 75 00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:50,188 BUT WAIT, THERE'S WORSE! 76 00:03:50,271 --> 00:03:52,357 HERE'S A FOR-SOME-REASON UNDER-REPORTED DETAIL: 77 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:57,111 PIPE BOMBS WERE FOUND AT BOTH THE D.N.C. AND R.N.C. BUILDINGS, 78 00:03:57,195 --> 00:04:00,782 WHICH THE FORMER CAPITOL POLICE CHIEF NOW SUSPECTS WERE AN 79 00:04:00,865 --> 00:04:03,534 INTENTIONAL EFFORT TO DRAW OFFICERS AWAY FROM THE CAPITOL 80 00:04:03,618 --> 00:04:04,786 PERIMETER. 81 00:04:04,869 --> 00:04:08,957 THAT'S SOME PROFESSIONAL-LEVEL INSURGENCY TACTICS, COMMITTED BY 82 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:13,002 HOMEGROWN TERRORISTS ON A JUGHEAD JIHAD. 83 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:17,173 THEY'RE YEE-HAWDIS! 84 00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:20,843 TO UNDERSTAND THE HORROR THAT WAS PERPETRATED IN OUR CAPITOL 85 00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:24,722 BUILDING, JUST LOOK AT GRAPHIC MOMENTS LIKE THESE, WHERE 86 00:04:24,806 --> 00:04:31,729 RIOTERS NEARLY CRUSHED AN OFFICER TO DEATH IN A DOORWAY, 87 00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:35,316 AND GRABBED ANOTHER OFFICER, DRAGGED HIM DOWN THE STEPS, AND 88 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:40,446 PROCEEDED TO BEAT HIM WITH POLES BEARING THE AMERICAN FLAG, WHILE 89 00:04:40,530 --> 00:04:44,367 CHANTING "USA!" SO IT'S HARD TO PIN DOWN WHAT 90 00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:45,868 THESE IDIOTS BELIEVE IN. 91 00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:46,202 BLACK LIVES MATTER? 92 00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:47,370 OH, NO. 93 00:04:47,453 --> 00:04:51,165 BLUE LIVES MATTER? 94 00:04:51,249 --> 00:04:54,377 YES, BUT ONLY IF WE'RE NOT CURRENTLY TRYING TO MURDER THEM 95 00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:56,045 WITH THE STARS AND STRIPES. 96 00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,213 IT COULD'VE BEEN EVEN WORSE. 97 00:04:57,296 --> 00:05:01,217 ANOTHER TERRORIST WAS ARRESTED AFTER AUTHORITIES SEARCHED HIS 98 00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:04,512 CAR AND FOUND 11 MOLOTOV COCKTAILS. 99 00:05:04,595 --> 00:05:07,015 IF YOU THINK IT'S WRONG TO CALL THESE PEOPLE TERRORISTS, 100 00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:09,350 CONSIDER THIS-- YOU'RE WRONG. 101 00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:15,106 ACCORDING TO G.O.P. CONGRESSMAN PETER MEYER, SOME REPUBLICANS 102 00:05:15,189 --> 00:05:18,067 "KNEW IN THEIR HEART OF HEARTS THAT THEY SHOULD'VE VOTED TO 103 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:20,903 CERTIFY BIDEN'S WIN, BUT SOME HAD LEGITIMATE CONCERNS ABOUT 104 00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:24,365 THE SAFETY OF THEIR FAMILIES." 105 00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:27,410 THEY CAPITULATED TO ARMED, VIOLENT EXTREMISTS. 106 00:05:27,493 --> 00:05:30,747 THAT'S THE G.O.P.'S NEW MOTTO: "WE DON'T NEGOTIATE WITH 107 00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:36,294 TERRORISTS-- WE JUST GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT." 108 00:05:36,377 --> 00:05:39,547 NO SURPRISE, THE PEOPLE WHO SURVIVED THIS VIOLENT ATTACK ARE 109 00:05:39,630 --> 00:05:40,757 A LITTLE CRANKY. 110 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:41,632 THIS MORNING, HOUSE DEMOCRATS FORMALLY INTRODUCED AN ARTICLE 111 00:05:41,716 --> 00:05:48,097 OF IMPEACHMENT AGAINST THE PRESIDENT. 112 00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:50,558 SO IT'S TIME FOR OUR HOPED-I'D-NEVER-SEE-SEQUEL: 113 00:05:50,641 --> 00:05:53,061 "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH 2: GO FAST, WE'RE FURIOUS." 114 00:05:53,144 --> 00:06:00,443 >> YOU KNEW DAMN WELL I WAS A SNAKE BEFORE YOU TOOK ME IN! 115 00:06:00,526 --> 00:06:05,156 ( GROWLING ) >> STEPHEN: NOW, SOME PEOPLE ARE 116 00:06:05,239 --> 00:06:06,032 SAYING, "WHY BOTHER? 117 00:06:06,115 --> 00:06:07,283 HE'S ONLY GOT NINE DAYS LEFT IN OFFICE." 118 00:06:07,366 --> 00:06:12,622 TO THEM I REPLY, "HE'S GOT NINE DAYS LEFT IN OFFICE!" 119 00:06:12,705 --> 00:06:15,166 YOU CAN DO A LOT IN NINE DAYS. 120 00:06:15,249 --> 00:06:16,584 IT'S ENOUGH TO CREATE THE UNIVERSE, AND THEN TAKE A 121 00:06:16,667 --> 00:06:17,960 THREE-DAY WEEKEND. 122 00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:21,756 FOR PETE'S SAKE, SIX DAYS AGO, THE PRESIDENT HADN'T INSPIRED 123 00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:25,802 MURDER IN THE CAPITOL. 124 00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:28,137 MIGHT'VE BEEN HANDY TO HAVE IMPEACHED HIM WAY BACK THEN! 125 00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:29,305 BUT IMPEACHMENT DOES TAKE TIME. 126 00:06:29,388 --> 00:06:31,641 TIME DEMOCRACY MAY NOT HAVE. 127 00:06:31,724 --> 00:06:35,103 WHICH IS WHY HOUSE DEMOCRATS INTRODUCED A RESOLUTION TODAY 128 00:06:35,186 --> 00:06:37,814 THAT CALLS ON MIKE PENCE TO REMOVE THE PRESIDENT UNDER THE 129 00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:39,482 25TH AMENDMENT. 130 00:06:39,565 --> 00:06:43,319 DEMOCRATS AND MIKE PENCE MIGHT MAKE STRANGE BEDFELLOWS, BUT AS 131 00:06:43,402 --> 00:06:45,988 LONG AS MOTHER'S IN THE ROOM, IT'S TECHNICALLY ALLOWED. 132 00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:46,989 IT'S KOSHER. 133 00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:50,868 I MEAN, IT'S NOT KOSHER, BUT YOU GET THE IDEA. 134 00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:52,662 SO FAR, PENCE APPEARS TO HAVE LITTLE APPETITE FOR GOING 135 00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:53,788 FORWARD WITH THAT. 136 00:06:53,871 --> 00:06:57,500 OKAY, HOW DO WE INCREASE HIS APPETITE? 137 00:06:57,583 --> 00:07:01,170 HAVE THEY TRIED SLATHERING THE 25TH AMENDMENT WITH MAYO, AND 138 00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:03,172 SLAPPING IT BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF WONDERBREAD? 139 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:06,134 YOU'D THINK PENCE WOULD BE MORE INTO THE IDEA, CONSIDERING WHAT 140 00:07:06,217 --> 00:07:09,846 THE RIOTERS WERE CHANTING: >> HANG MIKE PENCE! 141 00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:11,180 >> HANG MIKE PENCE! 142 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:11,722 >> HANG MIKE PENCE! 143 00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:13,474 >> HANG MIKE PENCE! 144 00:07:13,558 --> 00:07:16,227 >> STEPHEN: WHAT PART OF "HANG MIKE PENCE" DOES MIKE 145 00:07:16,310 --> 00:07:18,062 PENCE NOT UNDERSTAND? 146 00:07:18,146 --> 00:07:22,441 IT'S HIS NAME AND ONE VERB! 147 00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:24,694 EITHER MIKE PENCE IS UNBELIEVABLY FORGIVING OR HE 148 00:07:24,777 --> 00:07:26,362 JUST GETS OFF ON EROTIC ASPHYXIATION. 149 00:07:26,445 --> 00:07:30,825 EITHER WAY, HE'S LIVING UP TO THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF NATHAN 150 00:07:30,908 --> 00:07:32,160 HALE: "I REGRET I HAVE BUT ONE LIFE TO 151 00:07:32,243 --> 00:07:34,036 GIVE FOR THE PRESIDENT WHO WANTS HIS FOLLOWERS TO MURDER ME." 152 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:40,168 BY THE WAY, CROWD, IF YOU'RE GOING TO HANG MIKE PENCE, YOU'VE 153 00:07:40,251 --> 00:07:43,713 GOT TO CATCH HIM FIRST! 154 00:07:43,796 --> 00:07:47,008 BUT THE VEEP HASN'T ENTIRELY RULED OUT INVOKING THE 25TH. 155 00:07:47,091 --> 00:07:48,551 REPORTEDLY, PENCE WANTS TO PRESERVE THE OPTION IN CASE THE 156 00:07:48,634 --> 00:07:51,721 PRESIDENT BECOMES MORE UNSTABLE. 157 00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:56,559 "MORE UNSTABLE?" REALLY? 158 00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:59,061 "UH, MR. DAHMER, WE'VE BEEN THROUGH YOUR FREEZER, AND WE ARE 159 00:07:59,145 --> 00:08:00,229 DISTURBED BY WHAT WE FOUND. 160 00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:02,607 I'M LETTING YOU OFF WITH A WARNING THIS TIME, BUT IF WE SEE 161 00:08:02,690 --> 00:08:04,567 ANY SIGNS THAT YOU'RE FEELING SNACKY, THERE WILL BE 162 00:08:04,650 --> 00:08:07,737 SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES. 163 00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:12,116 ANYWAY, SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR DINNER." 164 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,868 PENCE ISN'T THE ONLY REPUBLICAN LOOKING TO GIVE THE PRESIDENT A 165 00:08:13,951 --> 00:08:15,745 PASS. 166 00:08:15,828 --> 00:08:19,415 SO IS HOUSE MINORITY LEADER AND MAN POINTING TO WHERE HIS BALLS 167 00:08:19,498 --> 00:08:21,584 USED TO BE, KEVIN MCCARTHY. 168 00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:24,754 ON FRIDAY, MCCARTHY ARGUED, "IMPEACHING THE PRESIDENT WITH 169 00:08:24,837 --> 00:08:27,256 JUST 12 DAYS LEFT IN HIS TERM WILL ONLY DIVIDE OUR COUNTRY 170 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:28,925 MORE." 171 00:08:29,008 --> 00:08:31,761 WELL, MAYBE OUR COUNTRY NEEDS TO BE DIVIDED. 172 00:08:31,844 --> 00:08:33,804 BY PRISON GLASS. 173 00:08:33,888 --> 00:08:35,765 WE CAN STILL TALK, KEVIN, BUT YOU'RE GOING TO NEED TO PICK UP 174 00:08:35,848 --> 00:08:40,144 THE LITTLE PHONE. 175 00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:42,605 WHAT KEV NEEDS TO REALIZE, IS THAT IF YOU FLIRT WITH FASCISM 176 00:08:42,688 --> 00:08:45,733 LONG ENOUGH, BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU'RE MARRIED WITH TWO 177 00:08:45,816 --> 00:08:49,487 KIDS, ADOLF AND BENITO. 178 00:08:49,570 --> 00:08:53,074 AND HEY, ALL YOU HAND-WRINGING HYPOCRITES: EVERYONE WANTS THE 179 00:08:53,157 --> 00:08:54,450 UNITED STATES UNITED. 180 00:08:54,533 --> 00:08:56,285 IT'S KIND OF OUR THING. 181 00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:58,621 YOU KNOW, ONE NATION, UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE. 182 00:08:58,704 --> 00:09:01,582 BUT SPEAKING OF GOD, WHAT I LEARNED IN SUNDAY SCHOOL IS THAT 183 00:09:01,666 --> 00:09:08,172 IN ORDER FOR THERE TO BE RECONCILIATION, THERE MUST FIRST 184 00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:09,257 BE REPENTANCE. 185 00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:12,176 IT'S WHY YOU DON'T BEGIN CONFESSION WITH, "BLESS ME, 186 00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:14,512 FATHER, I'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG, ANTIFA COVETED MY NEIGHBOR'S 187 00:09:14,595 --> 00:09:15,596 WIFE." 188 00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,765 WHO COULD BLAME HIM? 189 00:09:17,848 --> 00:09:20,268 LOOK AT THE CAN ON HER. 190 00:09:20,351 --> 00:09:21,686 ANOTHER REPUBLICAN DEEP IN DENIAL IS MISSOURI SENATOR AND 191 00:09:21,769 --> 00:09:22,853 MAN WITH RESTING JOKER FACE ROY BLUNT. 192 00:09:22,937 --> 00:09:27,108 YESTERDAY, BLUNT WAS ON THE NATION FACE, AND EXPLAINED WE 193 00:09:27,191 --> 00:09:29,694 DON'T NEED TO IMPEACH THE PRESIDENT BECAUSE HE'S LEARNED 194 00:09:29,777 --> 00:09:31,654 HIS LESSON. 195 00:09:31,737 --> 00:09:35,658 >> NOW, MY PERSONAL VIEW IS THAT THE PRESIDENT TOUCHED THE HOT 196 00:09:35,741 --> 00:09:41,163 STOVE ON WEDNESDAY AND IS UNLIKELY TO TOUCH IT AGAIN. 197 00:09:41,247 --> 00:09:42,790 >> STEPHEN: UNLIKELY! 198 00:09:42,873 --> 00:09:45,835 "I'M NOT GOING TO SAY THERE'S NO CHANCE THAT HE WILL USE A 199 00:09:45,918 --> 00:09:48,879 PERSONAL ARMY OF PARAMILITARY TERRORISTS TO OVERTHROW 200 00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:50,339 THE GOVERNMENT. 201 00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:51,132 BUT YOU KNOW, 60-40. 202 00:09:51,215 --> 00:09:52,174 LET'S ROLL THE DICE TOGETHER! 203 00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:54,719 COME ON, DADDY NEEDS A PANIC ROOM UNDER THE ROTUNDA!" 204 00:09:54,802 --> 00:09:56,804 SNAKE EYES! 205 00:09:56,887 --> 00:10:03,728 AND BY THE WAY, HE'S "UNLIKELY TO TOUCH THE HOT STOVE AGAIN?" 206 00:10:03,811 --> 00:10:04,645 THE PRESIDENT ISN'T EXACTLY FAMOUS FOR NOT TOUCHING THINGS 207 00:10:04,729 --> 00:10:07,690 HE SHOULDN'T. 208 00:10:07,773 --> 00:10:12,361 MAY I REMIND YOU, ROY BOY: THE POTUS DIDN'T JUST INCITE A 209 00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:15,656 CROWD TO RIOT, THE PRESIDENT WAS DEEPLY INVOLVED IN THE PLANNING 210 00:10:15,740 --> 00:10:17,575 OF THE RALLY, SENDING MULTIPLE TWEETS ENCOURAGING HIS FOLLOWERS 211 00:10:17,658 --> 00:10:22,371 TO COME TO WASHINGTON ON JANUARY 6, AND PROMISING "BE THERE, WILL 212 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:26,834 BE WILD!" HE DIDN'T TOUCH THE STOVE. 213 00:10:26,917 --> 00:10:29,587 HE RENTED AN APARTMENT, BOUGHT A STOVE, INSTALLED IT, STUFFED IN 214 00:10:29,670 --> 00:10:32,840 SOME OILY RAGS, TURNED ON THE GAS, RIPPED OUT THE SMOKE ALARM, 215 00:10:32,923 --> 00:10:36,218 INVITED ALL HIS FRIENDS OVER, AND THREW IN A LIT MATCH, 216 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:39,055 SAYING, "TRUE PATRIOTS, TOUCH THAT STOVE! 217 00:10:39,138 --> 00:10:43,059 IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE HOME, WATCHING IT ALL ON TV WHILE I 218 00:10:43,142 --> 00:10:45,102 PLEASURE MYSELF WITH A DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER." 219 00:10:45,186 --> 00:10:47,772 HE HASN'T BEEN IMPEACHED YET, BUT THE PRESIDENT HAS SUFFERED 220 00:10:47,855 --> 00:10:49,190 SOME CONSEQUENCES. 221 00:10:49,273 --> 00:10:52,068 ON FRIDAY, CITING THE RISK OF HIM FOMENTING MORE VIOLENCE, 222 00:10:52,151 --> 00:10:55,780 "TWITTER BANNED THE PRESIDENT PERMANENTLY." 223 00:10:55,863 --> 00:10:57,740 OH, DAMN! 224 00:10:57,823 --> 00:11:00,076 A LIFETIME TWITTER BAN HAS GOT TO STING. 225 00:11:00,159 --> 00:11:03,204 THEY TOOK AWAY HIS PRECIOUS! 226 00:11:03,287 --> 00:11:04,789 ACCORDING TO A SENIOR ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL, WHEN HE 227 00:11:04,872 --> 00:11:08,584 FOUND OUT, "THE PRESIDENT WENT BALLISTIC." 228 00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:11,420 A TROUBLING DESCRIPTION OF THE GUY WHO STILL HAS THE NUCLEAR 229 00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:11,921 CODES. 230 00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:13,381 "HE BLEW UP! 231 00:11:13,464 --> 00:11:14,715 HE WENT TO DEF-CON 4. 232 00:11:14,799 --> 00:11:18,552 HIS ANGER DETONATED IN A FLASH OF WHITE LIGHT AND THEN 233 00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:20,429 MUSHROOMED OUT, DESTROYING EVERYTHING IN ITS PATH. 234 00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:23,557 I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS THE FAT MAN ACTED LIKE A 235 00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:25,101 LITTLE BOY." 236 00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:27,937 THEN THE PRESIDENT WENT INTO FULL WEASEL MODE. 237 00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:31,565 FIRST, HE "TRIED TO TWEET FROM THE OFFICIAL @POTUS ACCOUNT," 238 00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:34,944 BUT "TWITTER SWIFTLY DELETED THOSE TWEETS," SO HE SLITHERED 239 00:11:35,027 --> 00:11:37,780 OVER TO "THE OFFICIAL TWITTER ACCOUNT FOR THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN 240 00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:42,535 BUT HIS CAMPAIGN'S TWITTER ACCOUNT WAS THEN SUSPENDED." 241 00:11:42,618 --> 00:11:44,912 NOW HE'S JUST GETTING KAYLEIGH MCENEANY TO WRITE HIS TWEETS ON 242 00:11:44,995 --> 00:11:49,667 POSTER BOARD AND HOLD THEM OUT BY THE UNDERPASS. 243 00:11:49,750 --> 00:11:51,794 BUT TWITTER ISN'T THE ONLY SOCIAL MEDIA SITE THAT WANTS 244 00:11:51,877 --> 00:11:53,462 NOTHING TO DO WITH OUR PRESIDENT. 245 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:56,215 HE'S ALSO BEEN BANNED OR RESTRICTED FROM A BEVY OF OTHER 246 00:11:56,298 --> 00:12:00,594 PLATFORMS, INCLUDING FACEBOOK SNAPCHAT, INSTAGRAM, REDDIT, AND 247 00:12:00,678 --> 00:12:02,138 EVEN TWITCH. 248 00:12:02,221 --> 00:12:04,807 WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, PORNHUB? 249 00:12:04,890 --> 00:12:10,104 THE PRESIDENT CAN'T EVEN TURN TO ALT-RIGHT CESSPOOLS, BECAUSE 250 00:12:10,187 --> 00:12:12,189 "PARLER HAS BEEN SHUT DOWN AFTER AMAZON KICKED THE WEBSITE OFF 251 00:12:12,273 --> 00:12:14,024 ITS SERVERS." 252 00:12:14,108 --> 00:12:16,861 FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT PARLER IS, FIRST OF ALL, 253 00:12:16,944 --> 00:12:19,113 MUST BE NICE. 254 00:12:19,196 --> 00:12:21,782 SECOND, IT'S TWITTER, BUT ALL TROLLS. 255 00:12:21,866 --> 00:12:26,162 IT'S LIKE A THANKSGIVING DINNER WHERE THE WHOLE TABLE IS RACIST 256 00:12:26,245 --> 00:12:29,123 UNCLES. 257 00:12:29,206 --> 00:12:31,584 IN ADDITION TO ITS WEBSITE BEING TAKEN DOWN, PARLER ALSO SUFFERED 258 00:12:31,667 --> 00:12:34,879 A BLOW THE PREVIOUS DAY WHEN APPLE AND GOOGLE REMOVED THE 259 00:12:34,962 --> 00:12:38,799 PARLER APP FROM THEIR APP STORES, WHICH LED TO A CERTAIN 260 00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:41,177 CHIP OFF THE OL' TURD TO COMPLAIN ABOUT A LEFT-WING 261 00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:42,386 CONSPIRACY. 262 00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:45,806 >> DOES ANYONE THINK IT'S A TOTAL COINCIDENCE THAT LITERALLY 263 00:12:45,890 --> 00:12:52,062 THE DAY THAT TWITTER BANS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES 264 00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:57,026 PERMANENTLY FROM THEIR PLATFORM, THAT APPLE-- REALLY, IT'S NOT 265 00:12:57,109 --> 00:13:01,697 JUST THE APP STORE, BUT THAT APPLE WANTS TO BAN PARLER? 266 00:13:01,780 --> 00:13:03,824 >> STEPHEN: NO! 267 00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:06,911 NO ONE THINKS THAT'S A COINCIDENCE! 268 00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:11,207 AFTER A MURDEROUS ATTEMPTED COUP EGGED ON BY THE PRESIDENT AND 269 00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:13,042 HIS FOLLOWERS ON SOCIAL MEDIA, SOCIAL MEDIA SHUT THEM DOWN. 270 00:13:13,125 --> 00:13:15,211 IT'S NOT A COINCIDENCE. 271 00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:16,879 IT'S A CONSEQUENCE. 272 00:13:16,962 --> 00:13:19,173 I KNOW IT'S HARD FOR YOU TO RECOGNIZE BECAUSE YOU'VE NEVER 273 00:13:19,256 --> 00:13:22,051 FACED ONE BEFORE! 274 00:13:22,134 --> 00:13:25,054 SO, AFTER BEING SHUT OUT OF EVERY SOCIAL MEDIA APP, THE 275 00:13:25,137 --> 00:13:27,765 PRESIDENT HAS NOW SUGGESTED BUILDING HIS OWN PLATFORM. 276 00:13:27,848 --> 00:13:32,061 I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. 277 00:13:32,144 --> 00:13:35,231 THIS PRESIDENT HAS A REALLY HARD TIME WITH PLATFORMS. 278 00:13:35,314 --> 00:13:36,023 BUT IT'S NOT JUST SOCIAL MEDIA THAT WANTS TO UNFRIEND THE 279 00:13:36,106 --> 00:13:39,109 PRESIDENT. 280 00:13:39,193 --> 00:13:43,072 IN THE WAKE OF WEDNESDAY'S PRESIDENTIALLY-SANCTIONED 281 00:13:43,155 --> 00:13:47,159 TERRORIST ATTACK, THE ORGANIZERS OF THE P.G.A. CHAMPIONSHIP 282 00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:49,036 CANCELED PLANS TO HOLD THE EVENT AT THE PRESIDENT'S BEDMINSTER, 283 00:13:49,119 --> 00:13:52,581 NEW JERSEY GOLF CLUB IN 2022. 284 00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:53,749 THAT'S GOT TO HURT. 285 00:13:53,832 --> 00:13:56,710 THE PRESIDENT LOVES GOLF MORE THAN HE'S LOVED ANY OF HIS 286 00:13:56,794 --> 00:13:57,878 WIVES. 287 00:13:57,962 --> 00:14:00,923 IT'S WAY EASIER TO CHEAT ON, AND YOU RARELY END UP WITH AN 288 00:14:01,006 --> 00:14:03,884 ACCIDENTAL ERIC. 289 00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:06,720 A SPOKESPERSON SAID, "IT'S BECOME CLEAR THAT CONDUCTING THE 290 00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:07,972 P.G.A. CHAMPIONSHIP AT THE PRESIDENT'S BEDMINSTER GOLF 291 00:14:08,055 --> 00:14:14,603 COURSE WOULD BE DETRIMENTAL TO THE P.G.A. OF AMERICA BRAND." 292 00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:15,437 SO, UP UNTIL NOW, THE P.G.A. 293 00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:17,940 THOUGHT TRUMP WAS FINE FOR THEIR BRAND? 294 00:14:18,023 --> 00:14:21,902 I GUESS THAT EXPLAINS THEIR 2016 PROMOTIONAL SLOGAN, "THE P.G.A.: 295 00:14:21,986 --> 00:14:24,863 GRAB 'EM BY THE PUTTER!" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 296 00:14:24,947 --> 00:14:25,614 TONIGHT. 297 00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:25,990 CHRIS ROCK IS HERE. 298 00:14:26,073 --> 00:14:29,285 STICK AROUND. 299 00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:30,160 ♪♪♪ 300 00:14:57,229 --> 00:14:58,314 ♪♪♪ >> Stephen: HEAIVEDZ, LET'S 301 00:14:58,397 --> 00:15:01,692 SAY HELLO TO OUR FRIEND JON BATISTE. 302 00:15:01,775 --> 00:15:04,194 JON, YOU AND THE BAND SOUND GREAT IN THOSE BUMPERS. 303 00:15:04,278 --> 00:15:05,279 I NEED THE ENERGY. 304 00:15:05,362 --> 00:15:08,449 YOU GUYS ALWAYS BRING THE JOY. 305 00:15:08,532 --> 00:15:09,366 HOW ARE YOU DOING? 306 00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:11,160 IT'S A VERY DARK TIME. 307 00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:12,953 >> Jon: YOU KNOW WHAT? 308 00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:16,540 IT'S NINE DAYS TILL INAUGURATION, BUT I KEEP 309 00:15:16,624 --> 00:15:20,919 THINKING, WE HAVE YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS OF WORK TO DO, 310 00:15:21,003 --> 00:15:25,049 SO I'M TRYING TO BUILD MYSELF UP TO DO THE WORK. 311 00:15:25,132 --> 00:15:26,967 THAT'S HOW I'M DOING. 312 00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:29,470 >> Stephen: WELL, IF YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT THE WORK IS, 313 00:15:29,553 --> 00:15:30,721 PLEASE GIVE ME AN ASSIGNMENT. 314 00:15:30,804 --> 00:15:34,183 IN THE MEANTIME, DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE OF THAT -- DO YOU HAVE ANY 315 00:15:34,266 --> 00:15:38,145 MORE JOY IN YOUR FINGERTIPS YOU CAN SHARE WITH AMERICA? 316 00:15:38,228 --> 00:15:41,315 >> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS, ALWAYS. 317 00:15:41,398 --> 00:15:52,993 ♪♪♪ >> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON. 318 00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:56,038 JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY. 319 00:15:56,121 --> 00:16:01,085 MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACTOR, WRITER, DIRECTOR AND COMEDIAN. 320 00:16:01,168 --> 00:16:06,173 PLEASE WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW," CHRIS ROCK! 321 00:16:06,256 --> 00:16:07,508 HELLO, CHRIS ROCK. 322 00:16:07,591 --> 00:16:08,050 >> WOW! 323 00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:09,843 NO MUSIC, NOTHIN'! 324 00:16:09,927 --> 00:16:11,220 >> Stephen: NOPE. 325 00:16:11,303 --> 00:16:12,388 NOPE. 326 00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:12,805 >> NOTHIN'! 327 00:16:12,888 --> 00:16:13,430 >> Stephen: NO. 328 00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:15,891 WELCOME TO THE DESERT. 329 00:16:15,974 --> 00:16:17,559 >> WOW! 330 00:16:17,643 --> 00:16:20,938 THOSE CHARLIE ROSE PILLS ARE KICKING IN, MAN! 331 00:16:21,021 --> 00:16:22,064 ( LAUGHTER ) WOW! 332 00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:24,233 >> Stephen: MM-HMM. 333 00:16:24,316 --> 00:16:27,236 IT'S LONELY OUT HERE. 334 00:16:27,319 --> 00:16:28,237 >> WHOA HOA, HOA! 335 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:30,030 >> Stephen: DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE WEIRDEST PART IS? 336 00:16:30,114 --> 00:16:32,241 AFTER TEN MONTHS, IT STOPS FEELING WEIRD. 337 00:16:32,324 --> 00:16:35,452 THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TROUBLE. 338 00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:38,122 THIS FEELS NORMAL NOW. 339 00:16:38,205 --> 00:16:40,416 >> YOU INTERVIEW GORBACHEV? 340 00:16:40,499 --> 00:16:41,583 WHAT'S GOING ON? 341 00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:43,794 >> Stephen: IF WE PLUNGED EVERYTHING IN DARKNESS, WE WOULD 342 00:16:43,877 --> 00:16:44,962 DO THAT. 343 00:16:45,045 --> 00:16:49,216 THIS IS WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW"'S TINY DESK CONCERT WITH 344 00:16:49,299 --> 00:16:51,427 STEPHEN COLBERT AND CHRIS ROCK. 345 00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:52,428 >> YES. 346 00:16:52,511 --> 00:16:54,596 >> Stephen: CHRIS, I'M SO HAPPY TO HAVE YOU ON. 347 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:57,641 I'VE NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO INTERVIEW YOU BEFORE. 348 00:16:57,725 --> 00:16:59,101 THANKS FOR BEING HERE. 349 00:16:59,184 --> 00:16:59,893 >> REALLY? 350 00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:00,853 >> Stephen: NEVER. 351 00:17:00,936 --> 00:17:02,104 WE'RE BOTH FROM SOUTH CAROLINA, IF THAT MEANS 352 00:17:02,187 --> 00:17:02,938 ANYTHING. 353 00:17:03,021 --> 00:17:04,106 >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW IF THAT DOES. 354 00:17:04,189 --> 00:17:06,233 LET'S INTO THAT FOR A SECOND. 355 00:17:06,316 --> 00:17:08,068 I DON'T KNOW IF THAT MEANS ANYTHING. 356 00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:11,238 PEOPLE SAY YOU MUST KNOW CHRIS ROCK, HE'S FROM SOUTH CAROLINA. 357 00:17:11,321 --> 00:17:15,242 I SAID, HE LEFT WHEN HE WAS PRETTY YOUNG AND, B, THE PEOPLE 358 00:17:15,325 --> 00:17:20,122 WHO SAY THAT HAVEN'T SPENT MUCH TIME IN SOUTH CAROLINA. 359 00:17:20,205 --> 00:17:24,251 THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THERE ARE TWO VERY DIFFERENT 360 00:17:24,334 --> 00:17:24,960 SOUTH CAROLINAs. 361 00:17:25,043 --> 00:17:27,755 >> VERY DIFFERENT. 362 00:17:27,838 --> 00:17:28,797 >> Stephen: DO YOU KNOW THE STATE MOTTO. 363 00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:31,633 >> WHAT IS THE STATE MOTTO, STEPHEN? 364 00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:34,303 >> Stephen: IT IS DOOM SPIRO SPARROW, WHILE I BREATHE, I 365 00:17:34,386 --> 00:17:35,429 HOPE. 366 00:17:35,512 --> 00:17:36,138 >> OKAY. 367 00:17:36,221 --> 00:17:37,931 >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT TOO BAD. 368 00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:45,773 ONE OF THE THINGS I INTRODUCED YOU AS IS A WRITER, DIRECTOR, 369 00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:49,318 PRODUCER AND COMEDIAN. 370 00:17:49,401 --> 00:17:51,111 WHICH OF THOSE IS MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU? 371 00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:53,781 YOU HAVE TO PICK ONE. 372 00:17:53,864 --> 00:17:54,239 >> CAPRICORN. 373 00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:55,324 >> Stephen: OKAY. 374 00:17:55,407 --> 00:17:55,657 NO. 375 00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:56,825 COMEDIAN. 376 00:17:56,909 --> 00:18:03,624 COMEDIAN IS MY, YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I'M IN THE TOP 20, WHERE I 377 00:18:03,707 --> 00:18:06,835 WOULD BE IN THE TOP 700 ACTORS. 378 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:09,546 SO I WOULD RATHER BE, YOU KNOW -- 379 00:18:09,630 --> 00:18:12,007 >> Stephen: AND THE COMEDY LEADS TO EVERYTHING ELSE. 380 00:18:12,090 --> 00:18:15,677 THAT'S THE NUCLEAR REACTOR THAT DRIVES THE WHOLE MACHINE. 381 00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:16,512 >> YES, HARD DOING COMEDY RIGHT NOW. 382 00:18:16,595 --> 00:18:17,679 >> Stephen: IT IS. 383 00:18:17,763 --> 00:18:23,519 THOUGH I SAW YOUR SPECIAL, AND TOTAL BLACKOUT, AND I WAS VERY 384 00:18:23,602 --> 00:18:24,603 GRATEFUL FOR IT. 385 00:18:24,686 --> 00:18:25,729 >> THANK YOU. 386 00:18:25,813 --> 00:18:27,231 >> Stephen: IT'S FROM SOMEWHAT TO HAVE THE BEFORE TIMES. 387 00:18:27,314 --> 00:18:30,901 IT'S NOT FROM THIS MOMENT RIGHT NOW. 388 00:18:30,984 --> 00:18:32,152 >> NO. 389 00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:33,862 >> Stephen: BUT I WAS GRATEFUL YOU WERE ABLE TO BE IN FRONT OF 390 00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:34,530 AN AUDIENCE. 391 00:18:34,613 --> 00:18:36,698 I LOVED HEARING THAT LAUGHTER. 392 00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:39,076 >> GOD GOD, I CAN'T WAIT, MAN! 393 00:18:39,159 --> 00:18:40,369 I CAN'T WAIT! 394 00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,162 IT'S HARD DOING COMEDY. 395 00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:48,836 GOVERNMENT MUMFORD & SONS TAKING OVER THE CAPITOL. 396 00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:51,380 I'M, LIKE, IS THAT WINSTON? 397 00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:52,506 THAT'S WINSTON! 398 00:18:52,589 --> 00:18:53,549 WOW! 399 00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:57,261 IT'S CRAZY, JUST THE WHOLE COUNTRY'S JUST LOSING IT! 400 00:18:57,344 --> 00:19:02,266 DID YOU SEE PELOSI ON "60 MINUTES" LAST NIGHT WHEN 401 00:19:02,349 --> 00:19:05,185 THEY ASKED HER ABOUT A.O.C.? 402 00:19:05,269 --> 00:19:06,311 WHOA! 403 00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:10,774 IT WAS LIKE ASKING NIKKI MY IMAGINE A CARDI B -- NICKY 404 00:19:10,858 --> 00:19:13,068 MINAGE A CARDI B QUESTION. 405 00:19:13,151 --> 00:19:18,448 EGOT PLENTY OF EMCEES! 406 00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:29,376 FEELING REALLY OLD AND RICH RIGHT NOW. 407 00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:34,256 AND THEN PICKING UP THAT GIRL, MIA PONSETTO. 408 00:19:34,339 --> 00:19:38,594 >> Stephen: THE ONE THAT GAYLE INTERVIEWED ABOUT THE PHONE? 409 00:19:38,677 --> 00:19:39,428 >> YEAH, GUESS WHAT? 410 00:19:39,511 --> 00:19:45,267 I GOT YOUR PHONE, BITCH! 411 00:19:45,350 --> 00:19:46,268 >> Stephen: IT WAS YOU? 412 00:19:46,351 --> 00:19:47,102 IT WAS ME! 413 00:19:47,185 --> 00:19:49,605 I TOOK IT AND I'M NEVER GIVING IT BACK! 414 00:19:49,688 --> 00:19:52,232 >> Stephen: ONE TO HAVE THETOMICS YOU COVER IN YOUR IN 415 00:19:52,316 --> 00:19:56,778 EFFECT SPECIAL IS THE WAY -- I MEAN, WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS 416 00:19:56,862 --> 00:20:00,949 FOR YEARS, BE UH THE WAY BLACK PEOPLE ARE TREATED BY POLICE, 417 00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:06,330 AND WHEN YOU LOOK AT -- COMPARE THE "BLACK LIVES MATTER" 418 00:20:06,413 --> 00:20:08,457 PROTESTS AND HOW THEY WERE TREATED AND HOW THE TROOPS WERE 419 00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:11,960 BROUGHT OUT TO PROTECT THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL FROM BLACK 420 00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:14,421 PROTESTORS, AND THERE WERE TANKS IN THE STREETS OF VARIOUS TOWNS 421 00:20:14,504 --> 00:20:18,634 INCLUDELE THE CAPITOL OF THE UNITED STATES, AND THEY WERE 422 00:20:18,717 --> 00:20:23,639 SHOOTING TEAR GAS AND RUBBER BULLETS, AND THEN YOU SEE THERE 423 00:20:23,722 --> 00:20:27,768 IS THIS LIGHTWEIGHT REACTION TO ARMED MILITIAS, WHAT DOES THAT 424 00:20:27,851 --> 00:20:30,187 MAKE YOU THINK? 425 00:20:30,270 --> 00:20:33,273 >> YEAH, WITH "BLACK LIVES MATTER," THEY HAD, LIKE, APACHE 426 00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:38,153 HELICOPTERS, AND FOR THIS THERE WAS FOOD TRUCKS OUTSIDE! 427 00:20:38,236 --> 00:20:46,828 IT WAS, LIKE, THEY WERE SELLING BURRITOS! 428 00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:49,122 I WAS, LIKE, WHAT WAS GOING ON? 429 00:20:49,206 --> 00:20:52,292 IF POPCORN WAS BLACK, THEY'D NOT SELL IT IN THE MOVIE THEATERS. 430 00:20:52,376 --> 00:20:54,127 YOU COULD SAY THAT. 431 00:20:54,211 --> 00:20:58,674 IF FRUIT WAS BLACK, YOU WOULD NOT PUT WHIPPED CREAM ON IT! 432 00:20:58,757 --> 00:21:00,509 WHATEVER! 433 00:21:00,592 --> 00:21:05,847 IF EMINEM WAS BLACK HE WOULD BE SACKING GROCERY. 434 00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:07,891 >> Stephen: I'LL MOVE ON TO THE NEXT QUESTION. 435 00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:14,356 I HAVE A SLIGHT BONE TO PICK WITH YOU. 436 00:21:14,439 --> 00:21:17,150 >> WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO PICK WITH ME, STEPHEN? 437 00:21:17,234 --> 00:21:18,402 >> Stephen: THIS RIGHT HERE. 438 00:21:18,485 --> 00:21:19,861 THIS PHOTO FROM LAST FALL. 439 00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:23,198 DO YOU SEE THAT? 440 00:21:23,281 --> 00:21:24,157 >> OH, YEAH. 441 00:21:24,241 --> 00:21:25,367 >> Stephen: WE ARE ESSENTIALLY THE SAME AGE. 442 00:21:25,450 --> 00:21:30,205 A, I DON'T BELIEVE A MAN IN HIS 50s SHOULD HAVE ABS, AND, B, I 443 00:21:30,288 --> 00:21:32,749 FIND IT OFFENSIVE FOR A COMEDIAN TO BE SEXY. 444 00:21:32,833 --> 00:21:36,586 WHAT IS THE MEANING TO HAVE THIS, SIR? 445 00:21:36,670 --> 00:21:38,714 ANSWER FOR YOURSELF. 446 00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:43,719 >> EVERYTHING YOU JUST SAID, I DON'T KNOW HOW IT GOT THERE. 447 00:21:43,802 --> 00:21:45,387 I LEARNED HOW TO SWIM THIS SUMMER. 448 00:21:45,470 --> 00:21:46,388 >> Stephen: OH. 449 00:21:46,471 --> 00:21:48,348 O IT WAS KIND OF LIKE ONE OF THESE WEIRD THINGS. 450 00:21:48,432 --> 00:21:51,560 IT WAS JUST A PRODUCT OF SWIMMING. 451 00:21:51,643 --> 00:21:53,520 >> Stephen: I ACTUALLY -- I WAS ACTUALLY NOT SURPRISED BY 452 00:21:53,603 --> 00:21:57,733 YOUR ABS, BECAUSE I'VE SEEN YOUR ABS. 453 00:21:57,816 --> 00:21:59,067 I'VE SEEN YOUR ABS IN PERSON. 454 00:21:59,151 --> 00:22:01,695 DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE THAT IS? 455 00:22:01,778 --> 00:22:02,821 >> WHERE? 456 00:22:02,904 --> 00:22:05,615 >> Stephen: I WAS AT A VERY NICE RESORT A FEW YEARS AGO, 457 00:22:05,699 --> 00:22:08,493 DOWN IN THE CARIBBEAN, AND IT WAS A BRAND-NEW RESORT, AND I 458 00:22:08,577 --> 00:22:12,873 DIDN'T KNOW IF IT WAS ANY GOOD, AND I'M SITTING THERE ON THE 459 00:22:12,956 --> 00:22:15,459 BEACH WITH MY FAMILY AND I LOOKED DOWN THE PEACH WITH AND I 460 00:22:15,542 --> 00:22:20,922 THOUGHT, OH, THIS MUST BE A VERY GOOD RESORT BECAUSE THAT'S CHRIS 461 00:22:21,006 --> 00:22:25,969 ROCK ABOUT TEN CHAIRS AWAY FROM ME WITH AN EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE, 462 00:22:26,053 --> 00:22:27,387 EXTREMELY YOUNG WOMAN. 463 00:22:27,471 --> 00:22:29,139 DID YOU SEE ME? 464 00:22:29,222 --> 00:22:32,434 >> THOSE WERE THE DAYS... 465 00:22:32,517 --> 00:22:34,436 >> Stephen: DID YOU SEE ME? 466 00:22:34,519 --> 00:22:35,437 I DON'T -- DID WE SPEAK? 467 00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:36,646 DID WE? 468 00:22:36,730 --> 00:22:39,900 >> Stephen: NO, PEOPLE SAID YOU SHOULD SAY HI TO HIM, YOU'RE 469 00:22:39,983 --> 00:22:40,901 BOTH FROM IS SOUTH CAROLINA. 470 00:22:40,984 --> 00:22:43,570 I SAID, NO, IT DOESN'T MATTER! 471 00:22:43,653 --> 00:22:45,072 THAT DOESN'T COUNT! 472 00:22:45,155 --> 00:22:47,991 SO, NO, I DIDN'T GO OVER AND SAY HI. 473 00:22:48,075 --> 00:22:49,659 I WAS URGED TO. 474 00:22:49,743 --> 00:22:53,413 >> WE COULD HAVE HAD A PINA COLADA OR SOMETHING, THAT 475 00:22:53,497 --> 00:22:53,997 WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE. 476 00:22:54,081 --> 00:22:55,207 I WATCH YOU ALL THE TIME. 477 00:22:55,290 --> 00:23:00,462 >> Stephen: I LOVE WHAT YOU SAY IN THE SPECIAL ABOUT LANDING 478 00:23:00,545 --> 00:23:04,091 TO GO TO A RESORT. 479 00:23:04,174 --> 00:23:09,513 >> YEAH, JUST THAT RIDE, THERE'S NOTHING SCARIER THAN THE RIDE 480 00:23:09,596 --> 00:23:13,266 FROM THE AIRPORT TO THE RESORT. 481 00:23:13,350 --> 00:23:19,856 YOU SEE THE WORST POVERTY IN THE WORLD, AND THEN, YOU KNOW, IT'S 482 00:23:19,940 --> 00:23:25,487 LIKE DEAD BABIES AND STUFF AND THEN YOU GET A PINA COLADA AND 483 00:23:25,570 --> 00:23:28,490 YOU'RE LIKE, MMM, JAMAICA'S NICE! 484 00:23:28,573 --> 00:23:30,117 YOU FORGIVE EVERYTHING. 485 00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:31,326 IT'S SO SAD, STEPHEN. 486 00:23:31,409 --> 00:23:32,202 IT'S SO SAD. 487 00:23:32,285 --> 00:23:34,538 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK. 488 00:23:34,621 --> 00:23:36,623 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE CHRIS ROCK! 489 00:23:36,706 --> 00:23:38,500 ♪♪♪ 490 00:23:51,138 --> 00:23:51,763 ♪♪♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, 491 00:23:51,847 --> 00:23:55,892 WE'RE BACK HERE WITH CHRIS ROCK. 492 00:23:55,976 --> 00:23:58,520 THE ORIGINAL WAS THE TAMBORINE SPECIAL IN 2017 AND NOW IT'S A 493 00:23:58,603 --> 00:23:59,271 REMIX. 494 00:23:59,354 --> 00:24:04,401 WHAT'S A REMIX OF A COMEDY SPECIAL? 495 00:24:04,484 --> 00:24:10,157 >> A REMIX OF A COMEDY SPECIAL, IN THIS CASE, THERE'S 33 NEW 496 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:14,327 MINUTES THAT WERE NOT IN THE ORIGINAL SPECIAL, AND SOMEBODY 497 00:24:14,411 --> 00:24:16,538 ORDERS CHANGE, AND I USE DIFFERENT TAKES FROM DIFFERENT 498 00:24:16,621 --> 00:24:17,497 SHOWS. 499 00:24:17,581 --> 00:24:20,417 SO IT'S KIND OF DIFFERENT. 500 00:24:20,500 --> 00:24:26,506 IT'S KIND OF -- YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS INITIALLY BROUGHT THE IDEA 501 00:24:26,590 --> 00:24:29,885 TO NETFLIX, THEY WERE, LIKE, COME ON, DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT. 502 00:24:29,968 --> 00:24:33,430 WHEN I SHOWED IT TO THEM, THEY WERE, LIKE, THIS IS A NEW 503 00:24:33,513 --> 00:24:34,639 SPECIAL. 504 00:24:34,723 --> 00:24:38,560 SO, YOU KNOW, I CAN'T DO COMEDY WITH NO AUDIENCE DURING THE 505 00:24:38,643 --> 00:24:41,354 PANDEMIC, THAT'S PRETTY HARD. 506 00:24:41,438 --> 00:24:44,149 >> Stephen: YEAH, IT'S KIND OF HARD. 507 00:24:44,232 --> 00:24:45,400 WHO WOULD DO THAT? 508 00:24:45,483 --> 00:24:48,236 THAT WOULD BE A DUMB THING TO TRY TO DO, GO DO COMEDY WITHOUT 509 00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:49,070 AN AUDIENCE. 510 00:24:49,154 --> 00:24:50,447 ONLY AN IDIOT WOULD ATTEMPT THAT. 511 00:24:50,530 --> 00:24:53,867 WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU WANT TO DO WHEN YOU SEE THAT 512 00:24:53,950 --> 00:24:54,743 AUDIENCE? 513 00:24:54,826 --> 00:24:56,369 WHAT'S THE FIRST THING DO YOU WANT TO DO? 514 00:24:56,453 --> 00:25:01,958 DO YOU WANT TO DO JOKES FOR THEM OR JUST GET NAKED AND JUMP ON 515 00:25:02,042 --> 00:25:04,419 THEM. I JUST WANT TO RUB UP AGAINST PEOPLE. 516 00:25:04,502 --> 00:25:05,712 I MISS HUMAN BEINGS. 517 00:25:05,795 --> 00:25:06,713 >> I MISS THEM, TOO. 518 00:25:06,796 --> 00:25:09,174 I'M TRYING TO GET ME A BUBBLE. 519 00:25:09,257 --> 00:25:10,258 YOU'VE GOT TO GET A BUBBLE. 520 00:25:10,342 --> 00:25:13,261 >> Stephen: LIKE A HAMSTER LOBLE GOING DOWN THE STREET. 521 00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:14,387 >> THE PODS. 522 00:25:14,471 --> 00:25:17,766 >> Stephen: LIKE YOU'RE SHARING YOUR VIRAL BIOME WITH. 523 00:25:17,849 --> 00:25:19,768 ARE YOU ALL ALONE, CHRIS ROCK. 524 00:25:19,851 --> 00:25:25,649 >> YEAH, MY KIDS LEFT, SO I'M KIND OF ALONE RIGHT NOW. 525 00:25:25,732 --> 00:25:27,067 >> Stephen: WITHOUT THE AUDIENCE. 526 00:25:27,150 --> 00:25:30,946 I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN VERY OPEN ABOUT GOING TO THERAPY AND HOW 527 00:25:31,029 --> 00:25:33,114 IMPORTANT THAT IS TO YOU. 528 00:25:33,198 --> 00:25:36,910 FOR ME THE AUDIENCE IS ACTUALLY THE WAY I DEAL WITH MY ANXIETY, 529 00:25:36,993 --> 00:25:39,621 THAT CONNECTION, HEARING THE LAUGHTER OF THE AUDIENCE KIND OF 530 00:25:39,704 --> 00:25:40,872 CALLS ME DOWN. 531 00:25:40,956 --> 00:25:44,960 I GO, OKAY, THIS THING I THOUGHT MAKES SENSE TO YOU, AND, SO, I 532 00:25:45,043 --> 00:25:50,423 FEEL LESS ALONE, AND NOT HAVING THEM, ALL THAT ANXIETY IS STILL 533 00:25:50,507 --> 00:25:51,508 INTERNALIZED. 534 00:25:51,591 --> 00:25:53,301 I'M HAVING TO IMAGINE IT BEING RELEASED TO AN AUDIENCE. 535 00:25:53,385 --> 00:25:56,638 WHAT DOES IT DO TO YOUR MENTAL STATE TO NOT HAVE AN AUDIENCE, 536 00:25:56,721 --> 00:25:57,764 CHRIS ROCK? 537 00:25:57,847 --> 00:26:00,767 >> I USED TO ABUSE AN AUDIENCE IN THE SENSE I WOULD DO 538 00:26:00,850 --> 00:26:06,564 SOMETHING IN MY NORMAL LIFE AND I WOULD GO, AH, MAN, YOU KNOW 539 00:26:06,648 --> 00:26:07,816 WHAT, CHRIS? 540 00:26:07,899 --> 00:26:10,860 YOU DON'T LISTEN TO PEOPLE, YOU TALK OVER PEOPLE, YOU'RE RUDE, 541 00:26:10,944 --> 00:26:13,697 YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE, YOU NEED TO CHANGE YOUR WAYS. 542 00:26:13,780 --> 00:26:17,701 AND THEN I WOULD GO UP IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE AND THEY'D GIVE 543 00:26:17,784 --> 00:26:21,705 ME A STANDING OVATION AND I GO, I'M NOT CHANGING NOTHING! 544 00:26:21,788 --> 00:26:22,706 I'M OBVIOUSLY RIGHT! 545 00:26:22,789 --> 00:26:25,709 THESE PEOPLE ARE STANDING! 546 00:26:25,792 --> 00:26:31,006 SO QUARANTINE HAS HUMBLED ME, STEPHEN. 547 00:26:31,089 --> 00:26:32,173 >> Stephen: UH-HUH. 548 00:26:32,257 --> 00:26:35,969 PIF A RUMOR I WANT -- I HAVE A RUMOR I WANT TO RUN BY YOU. 549 00:26:36,052 --> 00:26:37,012 >> YEAH. 550 00:26:37,095 --> 00:26:38,513 >> Stephen: THERE'S A RUMOR, IS IT TRUE YOU WERE IN 551 00:26:38,596 --> 00:26:43,184 CONTENTION TO PLAY GEORGE COSTANZA ON "SEINFELD"? 552 00:26:43,268 --> 00:26:44,019 >> I JUST HEARD THAT ONE. 553 00:26:44,102 --> 00:26:46,813 I MEAN, THERE WAS A NOT OF NBC TALK. 554 00:26:46,896 --> 00:26:51,526 THERE WAS TALK ABOUT "SEINFELD," THERE WAS TALK ABOUT ME BEING 555 00:26:51,609 --> 00:26:54,571 ONE OF THE "FRIENDS" AT THAT POINT. 556 00:26:54,654 --> 00:26:55,530 >> Stephen: REALLY? 557 00:26:55,613 --> 00:26:57,741 YES, YES, I WOULD HAVE BEEN THE BLACK FRIEND. 558 00:26:57,824 --> 00:27:01,870 THAT'S BASICALLY WHO I AM TO AMERICA ANYWAY AT THIS POINT. 559 00:27:01,953 --> 00:27:05,540 BUT LET'S JUST SAY THE GOOD PEOPLE AT "SEINFELD," THEY MADE 560 00:27:05,623 --> 00:27:08,043 THE RIGHT CHOICE. 561 00:27:08,126 --> 00:27:09,544 HE'S GOOD. 562 00:27:09,627 --> 00:27:11,087 HE'S AMAZING. 563 00:27:11,171 --> 00:27:13,673 >> Stephen: WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER, WERE THERE ANY PILOTS 564 00:27:13,757 --> 00:27:15,842 OR THINGS THAT YOU WERE A PART OF THAT DIDN'T GO? 565 00:27:15,925 --> 00:27:18,261 LIKE, THIS IS MY BREAK, THE THING I'M GOING TO DO. 566 00:27:18,345 --> 00:27:21,598 FOR ME IT'S THE DANA CARVEY SHOW IN A WAY AND I THOUGHT IT WOULD 567 00:27:21,681 --> 00:27:25,685 PUT ME ON THE MAP AND JUST DISSOLVED IN SEVEN SHOWS. 568 00:27:25,769 --> 00:27:30,023 WAS THERE A THING YOU THOUGHT I'M GOING TO RIDE THIS OUT, THIS 569 00:27:30,106 --> 00:27:33,568 IS MY PAYCHECK, THIS IS MY PAYDAY? 570 00:27:33,651 --> 00:27:37,072 >> YEAH, I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE COCKROACH ON THE COSBY SHOW, 571 00:27:37,155 --> 00:27:41,117 THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN, WHERE I WAS THEO'S BEST FRIEND. 572 00:27:41,201 --> 00:27:42,911 THANK GOD THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. 573 00:27:42,994 --> 00:27:48,583 THINK ABOUT THE WORLD RIGHT NOW, BILL COSBY IS IN JAIL AND SNOOP 574 00:27:48,666 --> 00:27:51,878 DOGG IS THE NUMBER ONE PITCH MAN IN AMERICA. 575 00:27:51,961 --> 00:27:55,757 >> Stephen: HE HASN'T DONE THE PUDDING YET, I'M WAITING FOR THE 576 00:27:55,840 --> 00:27:57,050 PUDDING POPS. 577 00:27:57,133 --> 00:28:01,262 >> OH,IAN, I WOULD BUY ANYTHING SNOOP DOGG SELLS. 578 00:28:01,346 --> 00:28:04,891 I JUST BOUGHT A SNOOP DOGG QUILT! 579 00:28:04,974 --> 00:28:11,648 I GOT SOME GANGSTA SLEEP! 580 00:28:11,731 --> 00:28:14,442 IF YOU AIN'T GOT A SNOOP DOGG QUILT, YOU ARE SLEEPING LIKE A 581 00:28:14,526 --> 00:28:19,280 BITCH! 582 00:28:19,364 --> 00:28:22,867 >> Stephen: I'LL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT. 583 00:28:22,951 --> 00:28:26,121 >> GET ONE OF THEM SNOOP DOGG QUILTS, I'M TELLING YOU. 584 00:28:26,204 --> 00:28:28,289 >> Stephen: I HOPE I CAN SEE YOU IN PERSON. 585 00:28:28,373 --> 00:28:31,292 I HOPE YOU CAN WALK ON█ AND HEAR THE CHEER OF THE AUDIENCE AT 586 00:28:31,376 --> 00:28:32,794 SOME TIME IN THE FUTURE. 587 00:28:32,877 --> 00:28:35,338 YOU KNOW THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER. 588 00:28:35,422 --> 00:28:36,131 YOU KNOW HOW BEAUTIFUL IT IS DOWN THERE. 589 00:28:36,214 --> 00:28:39,134 >> I LOVE THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER. 590 00:28:39,217 --> 00:28:42,095 >> Stephen: YOU WERE HERE FOR THE LAST NIGHT OF DAVE SHOW. 591 00:28:42,178 --> 00:28:42,846 >> I WAS. 592 00:28:42,929 --> 00:28:44,305 I WAS VERY FORTUNATE. 593 00:28:44,389 --> 00:28:47,976 >> Stephen: WHAT WAS IT LIKE BACKSTAGE? 594 00:28:48,059 --> 00:28:51,855 >> IT WAS TYPICAL DAVE NOT SAYING A FREAKIN' WORD. 595 00:28:51,938 --> 00:28:54,941 >> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT BACK TO THE OTHER PEOPLE? 596 00:28:55,024 --> 00:29:01,865 >> ME, "SEINFELD," JULIA LOUISE, JIM CAREY AND I THINK STEVE 597 00:29:01,948 --> 00:29:06,494 MARTIN, I BELIEVE, WE WERE HAPPY. 598 00:29:06,578 --> 00:29:09,706 LETTERMAN IS HIS LOVELY MISERABLE SELF. 599 00:29:09,789 --> 00:29:12,959 >> Stephen: I JUST HAD A MEMORY OF YOU. 600 00:29:13,042 --> 00:29:18,339 I REALIZED THE FIRST TIME I MET YOU WAS I THINK WHEN THE COLBERT 601 00:29:18,423 --> 00:29:23,678 REPORT WAS BEING ANNOUNCED, IT WAS AT SOME VIACOM THING UP 602 00:29:23,761 --> 00:29:25,847 FRONT, AND THEY ANNOUNCED IT AND I'M ACTUALLY THERE. 603 00:29:25,930 --> 00:29:33,730 I WAS IN AN OUTFIT I HAD TO WEAR FOR A BIT I WAS DOING FOR THE 604 00:29:33,813 --> 00:29:35,857 "DAILY SHOW," THE LAST NIGHT BEFORE I MOVED OVER AND I THINK 605 00:29:35,940 --> 00:29:41,863 IT WAS YOU AND ACCIDENT THINKS LEERY AND JEANINE GARAFALO, 606 00:29:41,946 --> 00:29:46,367 WE'RE TALKING 15, 16 YEARS AGO, AND ME, AND THEY HAD US GET IN 607 00:29:46,451 --> 00:29:47,744 FRONT OF A STEP AND REPEAT FOR A PHOTO. 608 00:29:47,827 --> 00:29:50,997 >> I HAD SEEN YOU ONLY ONE OTHER TIME. 609 00:29:51,080 --> 00:29:54,209 IT WAS A WEIRD MOVIE, NOT A GREAT MOVIE, BUT YOU WERE SO 610 00:29:54,292 --> 00:29:57,754 FUNNY, IN THAT MIKE MYERS MOVIE, "THE LOVE GURU." 611 00:29:57,837 --> 00:30:05,011 >> Stephen: I'LL NOT HAVE YOU SIT HERE AND CAST ASPERSIONS 612 00:30:05,094 --> 00:30:09,390 ON -- THE AMERICAN FILM INSTITUTE HAS NAMED THAT ONE OF 613 00:30:09,474 --> 00:30:13,853 THE 100 MOST MADE MOVIES -- >> I THOUGHT YOU WERE HYSTERICAL 614 00:30:13,937 --> 00:30:16,523 IN "LOVE GURU." 615 00:30:16,606 --> 00:30:19,442 I SAID, WHO IS THIS GUY? 616 00:30:19,526 --> 00:30:20,693 HE'S HYSTERICAL! 617 00:30:20,777 --> 00:30:23,905 >> Stephen: IT WAS JUST ME AND JIM GAFFIGAN HANGING OUT DWAYNE. 618 00:30:23,988 --> 00:30:28,368 IT WAS ALL IN THE WRITER'S STRIKE AND THERE COULDN'T BE A 619 00:30:28,451 --> 00:30:32,288 SCRIPT SO THEY SAID JUST IMPROVISE. 620 00:30:32,372 --> 00:30:35,750 >> I THINK YOU SHOULD QUIT THIS SHOW AND JUST DO THAT GUY. 621 00:30:35,833 --> 00:30:36,709 THAT GUY IS AMAZING. 622 00:30:36,793 --> 00:30:37,919 >> Stephen: I'M IN! 623 00:30:38,002 --> 00:30:40,922 WHEN WE COME BACK, CAN I GUEST HOST? 624 00:30:41,005 --> 00:30:44,926 I DON'T WANT TO GUEST HOST, JUS- >> Stephen: NO, TOO LATE, I 625 00:30:45,009 --> 00:30:47,595 ACCEPT! 626 00:30:47,679 --> 00:30:48,471 I ACCEPT! 627 00:30:48,555 --> 00:30:51,307 I ACCEPT, AND I PROMISE, I WILL COME BACK! 628 00:30:51,391 --> 00:30:52,559 >> I WANT TO BE ED MCMAHON. 629 00:30:52,642 --> 00:30:56,396 I JUST WANT TO SIT THERE AND -- CAN I JUST SIT THERE AND SMOKE 630 00:30:56,479 --> 00:30:59,607 WEED AND -- >> Stephen: JUST LIKE ED 631 00:30:59,691 --> 00:31:00,191 MCMAHON. 632 00:31:00,275 --> 00:31:01,192 >> JUST LIKE ED MCMAHON! 633 00:31:01,276 --> 00:31:08,449 >> Stephen: IF BY WEED, YOU MEAN A DUBUQUE HEM. 634 00:31:08,533 --> 00:31:13,162 HE USED TO DO ALPO BEEF CHUNK SKINNERS ON "THE TONIGHT SHOW" 635 00:31:13,246 --> 00:31:20,086 AND THEN CUT TO ED AND ED WOULD HAVE A DOG AND BOWL OF ALPO AND 636 00:31:20,169 --> 00:31:26,968 MAKE ED SELL ALPO WHILE JOHNNY SAT THERE AND TALKED TO BARBIE 637 00:31:27,051 --> 00:31:27,760 BENTON. 638 00:31:27,844 --> 00:31:30,013 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE. 639 00:31:30,096 --> 00:31:31,848 CHRIS ROCK, "CHRIS ROCK: 640 00:31:31,931 --> 00:31:33,850 TOTAL BLACKOUT: THE TAMBORINE EXTENDED CUT" IS AVAILABLE 641 00:31:33,933 --> 00:31:34,392 TOMORROW ON NETFLIX. 642 00:31:34,475 --> 00:31:39,272 CHRIS ROCK, EVERYBODY! 643 00:31:52,577 --> 00:31:53,620 >> Stephen: HEY! 644 00:31:53,703 --> 00:31:54,621 WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. 645 00:31:54,704 --> 00:31:57,707 YOU KNOW, FOLKS, DOING THE SHOW IS A PRIVILEGE. 646 00:31:57,790 --> 00:32:01,002 I GET TO TALK TO ALL SORTS OF INTERESTING PEOPLE ABOUT 647 00:32:01,085 --> 00:32:07,842 FASCINATING SUBJECTS, SO I LIKE TO STEER CLEAR OF 648 00:32:07,925 --> 00:32:08,843 TABLOID RUMORS AND CELEBRITY GOSSIP. 649 00:32:08,926 --> 00:32:09,260 BUT DO YOU KNOW WHO I HEAR LOVES CELEBRITY GOSSIP? 650 00:32:09,344 --> 00:32:12,055 AUBREY PLAZA. 651 00:32:12,138 --> 00:32:21,522 IN FACT, SHE WAS ON MY SHOW LAST MONTHS -- LAST YEAR, ACTUALLY -- 652 00:32:21,606 --> 00:32:23,232 AND SHE DISHED OUT GOSS SO HOT, WE HAD TO LET IT COOL DOWN FOR 653 00:32:23,316 --> 00:32:25,360 FOUR DAYS BEFORE WE COULD SERVE IT. 654 00:32:25,443 --> 00:32:28,154 WELL, GOLDILOCKS, TONIGHT IT IS JUST RIGHT. 655 00:32:28,237 --> 00:32:33,076 SO GET OUT YOUR PRRIDGE SPOON, YOU KNOW THAT BIG WOODEN ONE! 656 00:32:33,159 --> 00:32:35,995 AND CALL IN PAPA BEAR, AND LET'S SLURP IT UP. 657 00:32:36,079 --> 00:32:37,830 YOU'VE WORKED WITH HUGE STARS OVER THE YEARS. 658 00:32:37,914 --> 00:32:41,918 YOU YOURSELF ARE A HUGE STAR BUT YOU'VE WORKED WITH HUGE STARS 659 00:32:42,001 --> 00:32:45,046 OVER THE YEARS AND I'D LIKE TO DO A LITTLE SEGMENT RIGHT NOW IF 660 00:32:45,129 --> 00:32:49,425 YOU'RE WILLING TO INDULGE ME AND AMERICA RIGHT NOW -- 661 00:32:49,509 --> 00:32:50,593 >> YES. 662 00:32:50,677 --> 00:32:54,389 >> Stephen: -- A LITTLE GAME WE'RE TAWLG "TEA AT THE PLAZA" 663 00:32:54,472 --> 00:32:57,892 WHERE AUBREY PLAZA SPILLS THE TEA ON SOME OF YOUR CO-STARS. 664 00:32:57,975 --> 00:33:02,063 SOME OF WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO TELL US, IF YOU'RE WILLING TO GO 665 00:33:02,146 --> 00:33:05,775 ALONG WITH US, SOME OF WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO TELL US IS NOT 666 00:33:05,858 --> 00:33:07,026 TRUE, OKAY. 667 00:33:07,110 --> 00:33:12,532 BUT YOU ARE GOING TO GREASE US WITH SOME SHADE, IF WHAT I SAID 668 00:33:12,615 --> 00:33:13,741 MEANS ANYTHING. 669 00:33:13,825 --> 00:33:14,492 >> MM-HMM. 670 00:33:14,575 --> 00:33:15,952 >> Stephen: LET'S SPILL THE TEA. 671 00:33:16,035 --> 00:33:22,875 >> WELL, I GUESS I BETTER GET MY CUP OF TEA. 672 00:33:22,959 --> 00:33:24,085 >> Stephen: SHE HAS HER OWN PROPS. 673 00:33:24,168 --> 00:33:29,716 TELL US SOMETHING SCANDALOUS ABOUT AMY POEHLER. 674 00:33:29,799 --> 00:33:31,426 >> AMY POEHLER -- YOU KNOW WHAT I HEAR ABOUT HER? 675 00:33:31,509 --> 00:33:33,094 >> Stephen: WHAT? 676 00:33:33,177 --> 00:33:37,014 HE SLEEPS WITH A JUSTIN BIEBER DOLL IN BETWEEN HER LEGS 677 00:33:37,098 --> 00:33:37,724 EVERY NIGHT. 678 00:33:37,807 --> 00:33:39,225 WHAT A CREEP. 679 00:33:39,308 --> 00:33:45,064 >> Stephen: AGAIN, SOME OF THESE ARE NOT TRUE. 680 00:33:45,148 --> 00:33:46,941 >> THEY'RE ALL TRUE. 681 00:33:47,024 --> 00:33:48,067 >> Stephen: ZAC EPHRON. 682 00:33:48,151 --> 00:33:53,114 THE ZAC EPHRON HAS THE SMALLEST TEETH I'VE EVER SEEN. 683 00:33:53,197 --> 00:33:54,782 THEY'RE LIKE LITTLE CHICKLETS. 684 00:33:54,866 --> 00:33:58,578 IF YOU HAVE TO DO A KISSING SCENE WITH HIM, THEY'LL PROBABLY 685 00:33:58,661 --> 00:34:04,625 FALL OUT IN YOUR MOUTH AND DOWN YOUR THROAT. 686 00:34:04,709 --> 00:34:07,128 THAT WAS A SHOCKING ONE ABOUT EPHRON. 687 00:34:07,211 --> 00:34:09,172 WHAT ABOUT ROBERT DE NIRO. 688 00:34:09,255 --> 00:34:16,262 >> OOOH, YOU KNOW WHAT I HEARD ABOUT ROBERT DE NIRO THAT I KNOW 689 00:34:16,345 --> 00:34:17,472 IS TRUE? 690 00:34:17,555 --> 00:34:20,975 HE LIKES TO DRESS UP LIKE A MAIL MAN AND DELIVER MAIL, AND HE'S 691 00:34:21,058 --> 00:34:22,643 NOT QUALIFIED TO DO THAT. 692 00:34:22,727 --> 00:34:24,854 HE BETTER STOP THAT, BOB. 693 00:34:24,937 --> 00:34:32,653 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. 694 00:34:32,737 --> 00:34:38,159 >> Stephen: VICTOR GARBER. 695 00:34:38,242 --> 00:34:42,622 VICTOR GARBER, DON'T GET ME STARTED. 696 00:34:42,705 --> 00:34:44,832 >> Stephen: I'M AFRAID I HAVE TO. 697 00:34:44,916 --> 00:34:49,045 >> VICTOR GARBER LIKES TO GET HIS KNEE PITS MA CADGED. 698 00:34:49,128 --> 00:34:53,382 HE WANTS TO GET THEM GREASED UP AND WORKED OUT, AND I DON'T WANT 699 00:34:53,466 --> 00:34:54,133 TO KNOW WHY. 700 00:34:54,217 --> 00:34:55,134 >> Stephen: FINALLY, THE MUPPETS. 701 00:34:55,218 --> 00:34:57,011 >> THE MUPPETS. 702 00:34:57,094 --> 00:34:58,638 EVER HEARD OF MISS PIGGY? 703 00:34:58,721 --> 00:34:59,680 >> Stephen: YES. 704 00:34:59,764 --> 00:35:01,224 EVER SEEN HER TAIL? 705 00:35:01,307 --> 00:35:05,895 LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT HER TAIL -- SHE'S HAD WORK DONE 706 00:35:05,978 --> 00:35:07,563 ON HER TAIL. 707 00:35:07,647 --> 00:35:08,022 OKAY? 708 00:35:08,105 --> 00:35:09,190 >> Stephen: WOW. 709 00:35:09,273 --> 00:35:15,071 THAT BITCH GETS HER TAIL PLUMPED EVERY TWO MONTHS, SO 710 00:35:15,154 --> 00:35:19,033 DON'T YOU BELIEVE WHAT YOU SEE WAGIN' AROUND ON THAT SCREEN. 711 00:35:19,116 --> 00:35:21,828 SHE GETTING HER TAIL PLUMPED! 712 00:35:21,911 --> 00:35:27,041 >> Stephen: THESE ARE ALSO EXCLUSIVES. 713 00:35:27,125 --> 00:35:28,376 AUBREY, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TRUSTING US WITH THIS 714 00:35:28,459 --> 00:35:28,960 INFORMATION. 715 00:35:29,043 --> 00:35:29,460 >> THANK YOU. 716 00:35:29,544 --> 00:35:30,294 ♪♪♪ 717 00:35:56,821 --> 00:35:58,573 >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. 718 00:35:58,656 --> 00:36:03,953 PERFORMING HER NEW SINGLE, "WALK WITH ME," JOSS STONE! 719 00:36:04,036 --> 00:36:07,206 ♪ WALK WITH ME THROUGH EVERY FIRE IN THE LAND 720 00:36:07,290 --> 00:36:14,547 ♪ WALK WITH ME A TIME OF LOVE IS CLOSE AT HAND 721 00:36:14,630 --> 00:36:22,263 ♪ LET'S COME TOGETHER UNITED WE STAND 722 00:36:22,346 --> 00:36:25,391 ♪ SIDE BY SIDE STEP BY STEP 723 00:36:25,474 --> 00:36:32,023 ♪ WALK WITH ME WALK WITH ME 724 00:36:32,106 --> 00:36:37,945 ♪ WHEN OUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS CANNOT BREATH 725 00:36:38,029 --> 00:36:41,991 ♪ LET IT BE KNOWN WE WON'T BACK DOWN 726 00:36:42,074 --> 00:36:48,080 ♪ WE WON'T LEAVE WHEN WE'RE FACIN' 727 00:36:48,164 --> 00:36:53,127 ♪ ANY KIND OF STRUGGLE THERE'S A HERO THERE 728 00:36:53,210 --> 00:36:58,299 ♪ TRYNA WASH AWAY ALL OF YOUR TROUBLES 729 00:36:58,382 --> 00:37:01,928 ♪ WALK WITH ME WALK WITH ME 730 00:37:02,011 --> 00:37:04,805 ♪ THROUGH THE DRAMA THESE DAYS WILL PASS 731 00:37:04,889 --> 00:37:12,188 ♪ WALK WITH ME THE TIME I LOVE IS CLOSE AT HAND 732 00:37:12,271 --> 00:37:20,154 ♪ LET'S COME TOGETHER UNITED WE STAND 733 00:37:20,237 --> 00:37:22,865 ♪ SIDE BY SIDE STEP BY STEP 734 00:37:22,949 --> 00:37:26,327 ♪ WALK WITH ME WALK WITH ME 735 00:37:26,410 --> 00:37:33,334 ♪ SO TAKE A HAND AND LET'S DIVE INTO THE WATER 736 00:37:33,417 --> 00:37:37,171 ♪ AND EVERY NOW AND THEN BEING HUMAN 737 00:37:37,254 --> 00:37:43,177 ♪ WE'RE GONNA FALTER BUT WE'LL PRESS ON AND BE STRONG 738 00:37:43,260 --> 00:37:49,100 ♪ AND WE WILL SURVIVE IT AND EVERY PATH THAT'S WRONG 739 00:37:49,183 --> 00:37:53,145 ♪ TOGETHER WE CAN RIGHT IT 740 00:37:53,229 --> 00:37:57,024 ♪ WALK WITH ME WALK WITH ME 741 00:37:57,108 --> 00:37:58,401 ♪ THROUGH EVERY PAINFUL HURT WE'VE HAD 742 00:37:58,484 --> 00:38:04,699 ♪ WALK WITH ME A TIME OF LOVE 743 00:38:04,782 --> 00:38:10,246 ♪ IS SO CLOSE AT HAND AT HAND 744 00:38:10,329 --> 00:38:14,375 ♪ LET'S COME TOGETHER UNITED WE STAND 745 00:38:14,458 --> 00:38:16,877 ♪ SIDE BY SIDE STEP BY STEP 746 00:38:16,961 --> 00:38:20,381 ♪ WALK WITH ME WALK WITH ME 747 00:38:20,464 --> 00:38:24,051 ♪ MIGHTY WINDS MAY HOWL AROUND US 748 00:38:24,135 --> 00:38:27,847 ♪ IT SEEMS WE'VE FOUND OURSELVES ON ROCKY GROUND 749 00:38:27,930 --> 00:38:35,062 ♪ DEATH IS ON REPEAT BUT ONE THING SEEMS CLEAR TO ME 750 00:38:35,146 --> 00:38:39,442 ♪ SOME MAY HATE US BUT THEY'LL NEVER BREAK US 751 00:38:39,525 --> 00:38:47,283 ♪ TOGETHER WITH LOVE IT'S MORE THAN ENOUGH 752 00:38:47,366 --> 00:38:52,872 ♪ WALK WITH ME THROUGH EVERY MADNESS 753 00:38:52,955 --> 00:38:57,585 ♪ IF YOU CAN WALK WITH ME 754 00:38:57,668 --> 00:39:03,090 ♪ A TIME OF LOVE IS SO CLOSE AT HAND 755 00:39:03,174 --> 00:39:08,095 ♪ COME TOGETHER, PEOPLE UNITED WE STAND 756 00:39:08,179 --> 00:39:11,057 ♪ SIDE BY SIDE STEP BY STEP 757 00:39:11,140 --> 00:39:13,267 ♪ WON'T YOU WALK WITH ME? 758 00:39:13,350 --> 00:39:18,105 WALK WITH ME ♪ WOULD YOU WALK TOGETHER, 759 00:39:18,189 --> 00:39:21,776 PLEASE? 760 00:39:21,859 --> 00:39:27,239 ♪ WON'T YOU WALK TOGETHER FINALLY? 761 00:39:27,323 --> 00:39:31,410 ♪ NO MORE DIVIDES NO MORE LIES 762 00:39:31,494 --> 00:39:37,291 ♪ NO MORE, PLEASE ♪ >> Stephen: JOSS STONE, 763 00:39:37,625 --> 00:39:38,334 EVERYBODY! 764 00:39:38,417 --> 00:39:41,003 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 765 00:39:49,512 --> 00:39:50,638 >> STEPHEN: WELL, THAT'S IT FOR "A LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY. 766 00:39:50,721 --> 00:39:52,765 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE FORMER F.B.I. DIRECTOR 767 00:39:52,848 --> 00:39:57,853 JAMES COMEY, AND STAR OF "RIVERDALE," LILI REINHART. 768 00:39:57,937 --> 00:39:58,437 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 769 00:39:58,521 --> 00:40:03,818 GOOD NIGHT. 770 00:40:04,402 --> 00:40:07,655 Captioning sponsored by CBS Captioned by 771 00:40:09,073 --> 00:40:17,164 Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 772 00:40:17,248 --> 00:40:18,249 ♪♪♪ .