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>> JOE BIDEN AND KAMALA HARRIS
WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU'VE GOT THE

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00:00:02,669 --> 00:00:06,214
BEST HITS FOR YOUR INAUGURATION
WATCH PARTY.

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00:00:06,297 --> 00:00:09,300
THE PRESIDENT INAUGURAL
COMMITTEE SHARED A 46-SONG PLAY

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00:00:09,384 --> 00:00:12,637
LIST-- 46 IN HONOR OF THE 46th
PRESIDENT, OF COURSE.

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00:00:12,721 --> 00:00:16,433
>> ARE YOU READY TO RING IN A
NEW ADMINISTRATION THIS

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00:00:16,516 --> 00:00:17,934
WEDNESDAY?

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00:00:18,017 --> 00:00:20,895
THEN YOU'LL NEED "JOE BIDEN AND
KAMALA HARRIS' INAUGURAL

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00:00:20,979 --> 00:00:24,274
PLAYLIST, A WELL-ROUNDED MIX OF
CLASSIC HITS, AND IN NO WAY A

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00:00:24,357 --> 00:00:25,984
CRYPTIC JAB AT THE OUTGOING
ADMINISTRATION.

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00:00:26,067 --> 00:00:27,736
YOU'LL GET:
>> IT'S THE SOUNDTRACK TO THE

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CONSTITUTIONAL TRANSITION OF
POWER, AND DEFINITELY NOT A

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THINLY-VEILED PUT-DOWN OF THE
SOON-TO-BE-EX-EXPRESIDENT, WITH

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00:00:56,264 --> 00:00:56,931
HITS LIKE:
>> SERIOUSLY, DON'T READ

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00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:04,647
ANYTHING INTO THE TITLES.

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00:01:04,731 --> 00:01:16,951
JUST ENJOY THE SOOTHING
MELODIES OF:

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>> THESE SONGS WERE SELECTED ON
THEIR MUSICAL MERITS, NOT

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BECAUSE WHEN READ SEQUENTIALLY,
THEY TAUNT THE MAN WHO TRIED TO

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DESTROY OUR DEMOCRACY.

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>> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW
WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."

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TONIGHT:
DON-BOYAGE.

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PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES
JASON SEGEL

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AND MUSICAL GUA, BLACK PUMAS
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY

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HUMAN.

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AND NOW, LIVE oN TAPE FROM
THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE

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BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S
STEPHEN COLBERT!

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>> Stephen: OH, HELLO,
EVERYBODY.

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00:02:02,455 --> 00:02:06,000
AND WELCOME TO A VERY SPECIAL "A
LATE SHOW."

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00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:10,588
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

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IT'S THE DAY BEFORE THE DAY
WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR,

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BECAUSE TONIGHT IS THE LAST SHOW
WE'LL DO DURING THE PRESIDENCY

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OF HE WHO SHALL REMAIN
SHAMELESS.

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NOW, WE COULD TELL IMMEDIATELY
THAT ENDURING THIS

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ADMINISTRATION WAS GOING TO BE A
CHALLENGE.

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THIS IS WHAT I SAID IN MY FIRST
MONOLOGUE AFTER HIS ELECTION:

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FOUR YEARS?

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FOUR YEARS?

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WE HAVE FOUR VERY INTERESTING
YEARS IN FRONT OF US.

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I MIGHT HAVE UNDERSOLD THAT JUST
A SMIDGE.

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IT HAS BEEN INTERESTING, IN THE
SAME WAY RIDING IN A CAR GOING

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OVER A CLIFF IS
THOUGHT-PROVOKING.

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BUT TOMORROW, LIKE A MIRACLE, HE
WILL DISAPPEAR.

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SOME OF THE HIGHLIGHTS OF HIS
LOWLIGHTS INCLUDE STARTING HIS

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PRESIDENCY BY DECRYING AMERICAN
CARNAGE.

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HIS MUSLIM TRAVEL BAN.

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VERY FINE PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES.

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00:03:05,685 --> 00:03:07,103
BONDING WITH PUTIN IN HELSINKI.

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00:03:07,186 --> 00:03:09,147
BONDING WITH KIM JONG-UN IN
SINGAPORE.

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00:03:09,230 --> 00:03:13,109
BONDING WITH THE MY PILLOW GUY
EVERYWHERE ELSE.

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WANTING TO TRADE PUERTO RICO FOR
GREENLAND.

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00:03:17,572 --> 00:03:21,492
TALKING ABOUT NUKING HURRICANES
OR CHANGING THEIR PATH WITH A

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SHARPIE.

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CALLING THE 26 WOMEN ACCUSING
HIM OF SEXUAL ASSAULT LIARS.

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WISHING AN ACCUSED SEX
TRAFFICKER WELL.

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CAGING ASYLUM-SEEKING CHILDREN
THAT HE TORE FROM THEIR PARENTS.

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GETTING IMPEACHED FOR TRYING TO
BLACKMAIL UKRAINE TO INTERFERE

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IN OUR ELECTION.

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COMPLETELY SHANKING A PANDEMIC.

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TEAR-GASSING PEACEFUL
PROTESTERS.

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HOLDING A BIBLE DUMB.

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UNDERMINING FAITH IN OUR
DEMOCRACY.

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INCITING AN ANGRY MOB TO MURDER
HIS OWN VICE PRESIDENT.

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AND RUINING "Y.M.C.A."

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♪ ♪ ♪
WE DIDN'T EVEN TRY HARD FOR THAT

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LIST.

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WE WERE JUST LIKE, IT'S ONLY AN
HOUR SHOW.

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BUT THE WEIRDEST THING OF THE
LAST FOUR YEARS-- IT WAS YEAR

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ONE, RIGHT--
WAS WHEN HE WAS AT THE NATIONAL

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BOY SCOUT JAMBOREE AND TOLD A
STORY ABOUT A RICH GUY HE KNEW

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WHO HAD A YACHT, AND SOMETHING
ABOUT SOMETHING THAT SOUNDED

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LIKE A SEX PARTY ON A BOAT.

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IT REALLY SUMMED UP THIS LAST
FOUR YEARS: YOU DIDN'T KNOW

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EXACTLY KNOW WHERE HE WAS GOING
OR WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT BUT

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IT MADE YOU REALLY FEEL DIRTY
AND YOU YOU KNEW IT WAS BAD FOR

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CHILDREN.

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I WOULD BE LYING JUST LIKE HE
DOES, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE

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00:04:42,490 --> 00:04:52,041
"WASHINGTON POST" PINOCCHIO LIE
TRACKER, SINCE ASSUMING OFFICE,

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THE PRESIDENT HAS MADE 30,534
FALSE OR MISLEADING STATEMENTS.

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IN THE END, PINOCCHIO THREW
HIMSELF INTO A WOODCHIPPER.

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>> I'M FREE!

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>> Stephen: IN THE END, THE
TAKEAWAY FROM THIS PRESIDENCY

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IS TAKE HIM AWAY.

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WE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW" HAVE
BEEN COUNTING DOWN TO THIS DAY

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FOR FOUR LONG YEARS.

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LITERALLY COUNTING.

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YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED WHEN WE
WERE IN THE THEATER THERE WAS A

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NUMBER IN THE BACK OF THE DOME.

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00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:23,531
THAT WAS THE NUMBER OF DAYS
UNTIL THE END OF THE PRESIDENT'S

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00:05:23,614 --> 00:05:25,074
TERM.

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00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:29,078
AND WE COUNTED IT DOWN EVERY
NIGHT FOR FOUR LONG PAINFUL

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YEARS.

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00:05:30,329 --> 00:05:38,671
AND TONIGHT, THE NUMBER ON THE
DOME HAS COUNTED DOWN TO ONE.

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♪ HIT THE ROAD, JACK
AND DON'T YOU COME BACK

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♪ NO MORE, NO MORE
NO MORE, NO MORE ♪

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♪ HIT THE ROAD, JACK
AND DON'T YOU COME BACK

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♪ WHAT YOU SAY
♪ HIT THE ROAD, JACK

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AND DON'T YOU COME BACK
>> Stephen: HIT THE ROAD,

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JACK.

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COME ON JACK.

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THERE'S A ROAD, HIT IT.

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00:06:03,321 --> 00:06:05,156
( LAUGHTER )
THROUGHOUT ALL THE CRAZINESS AND

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THREATS TO EVERYTHING WE HOLD
SACRED, THERE WAS ONE HERO WHO

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KEPT OUR COUNTRY TOGETHER:
AND THAT'S YOU, THE AMERICAN

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PEOPLE.

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FOR ALL HIS DANGEROUS ASSAULTS
ON DEMOCRACY, DEMOCRACY KICKED

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HIS ASS ALL THE WAY BACK TO
FLORIDA.

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AND IN THIS CASE, I, FOR ONE,
WILL NEVER BE SICK OF WINNING.

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SO, YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF
YOURSELVES.

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COUNT YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS THIS
YEAR STOPPING HOMEGROWN AMERICAN

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FASCISM AND HITTING 10,000 STEPS
JUST WALKING BETWEEN YOUR FRIDGE

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AND YOUR COUCH.ۇ
YOU, YOU, THE AMERICAN PEOPLE,

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YOU HELD YOUR GROUND.

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YOU NEVER WARMED UP TO THE GUY.

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EVEN WHEN HE WON, HE LOST THE
POPULAR VOTE.

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AND ACCORDING TO GALLUP, HIS
AVERAGE APPROVAL RATING WAS 41%,

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"FOUR POINTS LOWER THAN ANY
OTHER PRESIDENT."

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HE'S SO UNPOPULAR, THIS IS HOW
HE'LL BE REMEMBERED IN THE HALL

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OF PRESIDENTS:
>> WHAT A SCHMUCK I WAS.

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WHAT A SCHMUCK.Ñi
( LAUGHTER )

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>> Stephen: NOW, IF IT SOUNDS
LIKE I'M MAKING A BIG DEAL

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ABOUT HIM LEAVING, IT'S NOT
NEARLY AS BIG A DEAL AS HE WANTS

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TO MAKE ABOUT IT.

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00:07:12,431 --> 00:07:15,518
THE PRESIDENT WANTS A BIG
MILITARY SEND-OFF AT ANDREWS AIR

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FORCE BASE, WITH A RED CARPET
AND A 21-GUN SALUTE.

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AND THIS TIME, THE GUNS AREN'T
AIMED AT MIKE PENCE.

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BUT IT'S BEEN A CHALLENGE
GETTING A BIG ENOUGH CROWD TO

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SATISFY THE PRESIDENT, IN PART
BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO THE

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00:07:28,948 --> 00:07:30,700
INVITATION, "ALL GUESTS MUST
ARRIVE BETWEEN 6:00 A.M. AND

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00:07:30,783 --> 00:07:31,909
7:15 A.M."

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A PARTY AT 6:00 A.M.?

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AWESOME!

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FOR THE LEAST-POPULAR MAN ON
EARTH?

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SWEET!

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HEY, TELL YOU WHAT, THROW IN A
KARAOKE MACHINE THAT ONLY PLAYS

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"ICE ICE BABY," AND I AM IN!

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NOW, REPORTEDLY, THE WHITE HOUSE
IS SO DESPERATE TO HAVE PEOPLE

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ATTEND THIS PITY PARTY, THAT
IT INVITED ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI TO

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00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:52,221
THE EVENT.

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00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:52,722
SCARAMUCCI?

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00:07:52,805 --> 00:07:56,267
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

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THE MOOCH IS CLEARLY A
SEASON-ONE CHARACTER.

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THAT'S LIKE IF THE "HAPPY DAYS"
REUNION WAS KICKED OFF BY

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RICHIE'S BROTHER.

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00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:05,109
THAT'S RIGHT.

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00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:06,736
RICHIE HAD AN OLDER BROTHER WHO
WHO PLAYED BASKETBALL, WAS VERY

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00:08:06,819 --> 00:08:08,571
TALL, AND DISAPPEARED WITH NO
SCPLAWNGZ.

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00:08:08,654 --> 00:08:14,577
I WOULD CHECK POTSIE'S CRAWL
SPACE.

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THE EMAIL INVITE ALSO TOLD
GUESTS THEY CAN BRING AS MANY AS

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00:08:16,370 --> 00:08:22,960
FIVE PLUS-ONES TO TRUMP'S
ELABORATE EXIT CEREMONY.

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MAN, THAT IS THIRSTY.

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00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:28,049
"HEY, UH, PLEASE COME TO MY
IMPROV SHOW.

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00:08:28,132 --> 00:08:29,175
I'LL GET YOU TWO-FOR-ONE COUPONS
THAT'S GOOD FOR FIVE

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PEOPLE.

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00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:31,260
AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE
PEOPLE.

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THEY CAN BE CARDBOARD CUTOUTS,
OR MANNEQUINS, OR DOGS, OR

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BROOMS WITH GOOGLY EYES.

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00:08:34,263 --> 00:08:41,812
PLEASE, MY PARENTS ARE COMING!"
NOW, AFTER THE PRESIDENT LEAVES,

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00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:45,399
THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO HOSE
OUT 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE,

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AN UNDERTAKING CARRIED OUT BY
THE 90-PERSON WHITE HOUSE

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00:08:46,943 --> 00:08:49,779
RESIDENCE STAFF IN ABOUT FIVE
HOURS.

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00:08:49,862 --> 00:08:54,575
COME ON, THAT'S A BIG HOUSE,
AND THEY ONLY HAVE FIVE HOURS TO

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CLEAN IT?

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THAT'S INSANE.

163
00:08:57,912 --> 00:08:59,163
IT'S GOING TO TAKE AT LEAST AN
HOUR TO PULL ERIC'S HEAD OUT OF

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00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:00,164
THE BANISTER.

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00:09:00,248 --> 00:09:05,628
( AS ERIC )
"HELP, HELP, I'M IN HEAD-JAIL!

166
00:09:05,711 --> 00:09:11,175
TELL DAD TO PARDON MY HEAD!"
SOME NIGHTS I HAVE TOO MUCH

167
00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:14,428
SALIVA FOR ERIC.

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00:09:14,512 --> 00:09:16,639
"IT WON'T STAY UP!

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00:09:16,722 --> 00:09:27,817
I'M NOT GOING TO MISS HIM!"
WITH EVERY DAY THAT PASSES...

170
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:29,110
( LAUGHTER )
WE LEARN MORE ABOUT THE MAGA

171
00:09:29,193 --> 00:09:30,111
MILITIA THAT ATTACKED THE
CAPITOL.

172
00:09:30,194 --> 00:09:35,074
BUT NOW WE'RE ALSO LEARNING
ABOUT THEIR ARRESTS.

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00:09:35,157 --> 00:09:35,783
SO, IT'S TIME FOR MY HOPEFULLY
10,000-PART SEGMENT,

174
00:09:35,866 --> 00:09:44,834
"SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP ROUND-UP."

175
00:09:44,917 --> 00:09:47,545
SEEMS LIKE THE COW IS IN ON IT.

176
00:09:47,628 --> 00:09:50,006
SEEMS LIKE THE COW IS INTO IT.

177
00:09:50,089 --> 00:09:52,883
THAT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR TO THE
COW.

178
00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,510
FIRST UP IN THE LASSO OF JUSTICE
IS LOCAL TRAITOR AND WOMAN

179
00:09:54,593 --> 00:09:56,887
REALIZING SHE SHOULD TOUCH UP
THOSE ROOTS TO LOOK HER BEST IN

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00:09:56,971 --> 00:09:58,139
JAIL, JENNA RYAN.

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00:09:58,222 --> 00:10:00,516
WHEN SHE'S NOT BREAKING INTO THE
CAPITOL, RYAN IS A REAL ESTATE

182
00:10:00,599 --> 00:10:01,809
BROKER FROM FRISCO, TEXAS.

183
00:10:01,892 --> 00:10:04,937
AH, THAT EXPLAINS WHY THE RIOT
SMELLED LIKE FRESH-BAKED

184
00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:05,438
COOKIES.

185
00:10:05,521 --> 00:10:08,566
MAKES IT SEEM HOMEY.

186
00:10:08,649 --> 00:10:11,152
THE FEDS DIDN'T HAVE TO DIG TOO
DEEP TO FIND OUT WHO SHE WAS,

187
00:10:11,235 --> 00:10:12,528
BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT SHE
LVE-STREAMED DURING THE ATTACK:

188
00:10:12,611 --> 00:10:15,239
>> HERE WE GO.

189
00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:19,869
Y'ALL KNOW WHO TO HIRE FOR YOUR
REALTOR.

190
00:10:19,952 --> 00:10:21,537
JENNA RYAN, YOUR REALTOR.

191
00:10:21,620 --> 00:10:25,041
>> Stephen: KIND OF A WEIRD
PLACE TO PROMOTE YOUR BUSINESS.

192
00:10:25,124 --> 00:10:28,961
YOU NEVER HEARD A CONFEDERATE
GENERAL SHOUTING:

193
00:10:29,045 --> 00:10:32,673
( SOUTHERN ACCENT )
"THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN

194
00:10:32,757 --> 00:10:34,258
AGAINST NORTHERN AGGRESSORS!

195
00:10:34,342 --> 00:10:34,884
BUT WHAT SHAN'T RISE ARE MY
SUPER-LOW PRICES ON HARDTACK AND

196
00:10:34,967 --> 00:10:36,385
BUCKLES!

197
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:40,598
STONEWALL'S GENERAL STORE, WE
VALIDATE HORSE PARKING!

198
00:10:40,681 --> 00:10:42,558
CHARGE!"
RYAN CONTINUED TO

199
00:10:42,641 --> 00:10:44,310
SCREAM-VERTIZE.

200
00:10:44,393 --> 00:10:47,688
>> YOU GUYS, CAN YOU BELIEVE
THIS?

201
00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:49,190
I AM NOT MESSING AROUND.

202
00:10:49,273 --> 00:10:52,693
WHEN I COME TO SELL YOUR HOUSE,
THIS IS WHAT I WILL DO.

203
00:10:52,777 --> 00:10:53,402
( LAUGHTER ).

204
00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:54,403
>> Stephen: WHAT?

205
00:10:54,487 --> 00:11:00,451
BREAK WINDOWS AND TILL IT WITH
WHITE SUPREMACISTS.

206
00:11:00,534 --> 00:11:00,868
"AND YOU CAN TURN THIS INTO AN
ACCENT WALL WITH JUST A CAN OF

207
00:11:00,951 --> 00:11:02,578
PEPPER SPRAY.

208
00:11:02,661 --> 00:11:03,788
I BROUGHT SOME COLOR SWATCHES!

209
00:11:03,871 --> 00:11:06,582
OOH, I LIKE EYEBALL VOLCANO.

210
00:11:06,665 --> 00:11:11,712
UHM, SINUS MELTDOWN!"
NOW, WE CAN'T SOLELY BLAME THE

211
00:11:11,796 --> 00:11:15,007
PRESIDENT FOR INCITING THIS
STUPID, STUPID, WOMAN, BECAUSE,

212
00:11:15,091 --> 00:11:15,633
APPARENTLY, SHE ALSO LISTENS TO
OTHER SOURCES.

213
00:11:15,716 --> 00:11:18,803
>> NOT JUST THE PRESIDENT.

214
00:11:18,886 --> 00:11:20,721
THERE'S ALSO-- I FOLLOW
EVERYTHING THAT RUDY GIULIANI

215
00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:23,099
SAYS.

216
00:11:23,182 --> 00:11:24,433
>> Stephen: FINDING OUT THE
WOMAN IN CHARGE OF THE CONTRACTS

217
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:29,063
FOR YOUR HOME IS TAKING ADVICE
FROM RUDY GIULIANI IS LIKE

218
00:11:29,146 --> 00:11:30,147
FINDING OUT YOUR DENTIST IS
TAKING ADVICE FROM RUDY

219
00:11:30,231 --> 00:11:32,817
GIULIANI.ۇ
"ALL RIGHT, LET'S START WITH A

220
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:39,281
RED WINE RINSE, AND WHAT DO YOU
SAY WE REPLACE YOUR LOWER ROW OF

221
00:11:39,365 --> 00:11:41,450
TEETH WITH FEED CORN AND
CIGARETTE BUTTS."

222
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,119
ELSEWHERE IN THE ROUND-UP
ROUND-UP, AUTHORITIES HAVE

223
00:11:43,202 --> 00:11:45,788
ARRESTED MARYLAND WHITE
SUPREMACIST AND MAN WHO MADE THE

224
00:11:45,871 --> 00:11:51,794
WRONG CHOICE BETWEEN MUSTACHE
AND BEARD, BRYAN BETANCUR.

225
00:11:51,877 --> 00:11:54,588
BASED ON A TIP, THE SUSPECT WAS
IDENTIFIED IN A SOCIAL MEDIA

226
00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:58,592
POST.ۇ
BUT IT ALSO HELPED THAT ON

227
00:11:58,676 --> 00:12:01,137
JANUARY 6, HE WAS OUT ON PAROLE
FOR A TOTALLY DIFFERENT CRIME

228
00:12:01,220 --> 00:12:02,930
AND WEARING A G.P.S. ANKLE
MONITOR THAT PLACED HIM AT THE

229
00:12:03,013 --> 00:12:05,808
RIOT.

230
00:12:05,891 --> 00:12:09,645
CLEARLY, NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL
IN THE SHED, WHICH IS TOO BAD,

231
00:12:09,728 --> 00:12:10,938
BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE USED THAT
TOOL TO CUT OFF THAT ANKLE

232
00:12:11,021 --> 00:12:12,523
MONITOR.

233
00:12:12,606 --> 00:12:17,153
THE FEDS HAVE ALSO ARRESTED
TEXAS GUY, GUY REFFITT, WHO YOU

234
00:12:17,236 --> 00:12:19,155
MIGHT REMEMBER FROM BEING PEPPER
SPRAYED ON THE CAPITOL STEPS.

235
00:12:19,238 --> 00:12:20,364
BUT HE STOOD HIS GROUND.

236
00:12:20,448 --> 00:12:26,745
IT REMINDS ME OF PATRICK HENRY'S
FAMOUS WORDS, "GIVE ME LIBERTY

237
00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:27,455
OR-- AAARGH!

238
00:12:27,538 --> 00:12:28,330
NOT IN THE EYES!

239
00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:30,124
GAAAH!"
REFFITT WAS TRACKED DOWN BY THE

240
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:35,463
F.B.I. AFTER FOOTAGE OF HIM WAS
SEEN ONLINE.

241
00:12:35,546 --> 00:12:37,131
AND IT'S A GOOD THING THE F.B.I.

242
00:12:37,214 --> 00:12:40,885
TRACKED HIM DOWN, BECAUSE BEFORE
HIS ARREST, HE WARNED HIS

243
00:12:40,968 --> 00:12:44,013
CHILDREN, "IF YOU TURN ME IN,
YOU'RE A TRAITOR.

244
00:12:44,096 --> 00:12:46,182
AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO
TRAITORS, TRAITORS GET SHOT."

245
00:12:46,265 --> 00:12:47,349
SOMETIMES.

246
00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:48,559
BUT SOMETIMES, THEY JUST GET
PEPPER SPRAYED ON THE STEPS OF

247
00:12:48,642 --> 00:12:51,479
THE CAPITOL.

248
00:12:51,562 --> 00:12:52,354
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.

249
00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:56,525
STAR OF "OUR FRIEND" JASON SEGEL
IS HERE.

250
00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:58,861
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE!"

251
00:12:58,944 --> 00:12:59,987
JOIN US, WON'T YOU.

252
00:13:00,070 --> 00:13:00,946
♪ ♪ ♪

253
00:13:15,002 --> 00:13:28,057
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

254
00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:29,517
EVERYBODY.

255
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:33,103
LET'S SAY HELLO TO OUR HAPPY
FRIEND, MR. JON BATISTE.

256
00:13:33,187 --> 00:13:35,064
JON, YOU LOOK VERY, VERY HAPPY
RIGHT NOW.

257
00:13:35,147 --> 00:13:44,031
WHAT'S GOING ON?

258
00:13:44,114 --> 00:13:55,167
( SCATTING )
♪ T IN THIS WORLD WITH A LOT OF

259
00:13:55,251 --> 00:13:58,295
PROBLEMMED ♪
OH, MY GOODNESS, I'VE GOT A SONG

260
00:13:58,379 --> 00:13:59,755
IN HIGH HEART RIGHT NOW.

261
00:13:59,838 --> 00:14:01,090
I'VE GOT A SONG IN MY HEART.

262
00:14:01,173 --> 00:14:02,758
>> Stephen: I WAS REALLY
MOVED.

263
00:14:02,841 --> 00:14:08,180
I WAS REALLY MOVED TO SEE THE
BIDENS LAND AT ANDREWS.

264
00:14:08,264 --> 00:14:09,932
LIKE, IT'S REAL, IT'S GOING TO
HAPPEN, MAN YOU.

265
00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:12,935
>> Jon: YOU KNOW IT'S
HAPPENING BECAUSE WE PUT IN THE

266
00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:14,395
WORK TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.

267
00:14:14,478 --> 00:14:15,604
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

268
00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:17,606
>> Jon: AND IF WE KEEP PUTTING
IN THE WORK, IT WILL CONTINUE TO

269
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:18,440
GET BETTER.

270
00:14:18,524 --> 00:14:18,983
AD THAT'S WHAT I'M BELIEVING.

271
00:14:19,066 --> 00:14:20,859
I'M STANDING ON THAT.

272
00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:23,153
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT I
APPRECIATE?

273
00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:29,159
THE MEMORIAL CEREMONY THAT HE
AND FUTURE FIRST LADY HELD TODAY

274
00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:33,622
AT THE REFLECTING POOL AT THE
LINCOLN MEMORIAL TODAY FOR THOSE

275
00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:36,083
WHO WERE LOST TO COVID.

276
00:14:36,166 --> 00:14:41,797
IT'S A SIMPLE, BEAUTIFUL GESTURE
THAT IS THE FIRST STAGE OF THE

277
00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:44,133
NATION HEALING.

278
00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:45,301
>> Jon: EXACTLY.

279
00:14:45,384 --> 00:14:49,972
TO SHOW ACKNOWLEDGMENT AND
WRENCHANCE TOWARDS EVERYTHING

280
00:14:50,055 --> 00:14:51,140
THAT'S HAPPENED AND NOT JUST
SKIP OVER IT.

281
00:14:51,223 --> 00:14:55,853
I THINK WE HAVE A LOT OF HEALING
TO DO, BUT THAT'S THE MOST

282
00:14:55,936 --> 00:14:58,272
IMPORTANT STEP AFTER WHAT WE HAD
IN 2021.

283
00:14:58,355 --> 00:15:01,692
>> Stephen: JON CAN YOU GIVE
US A LITTLE MORE OF THAT HAPPY

284
00:15:01,775 --> 00:15:05,821
FEEL AS WE GO ON
♪ IN THIS WORLD

285
00:15:05,904 --> 00:15:11,285
WITH A LOT OF PROBLEMS
♪ ALL WE NEED IS A LITTLE LOVING

286
00:15:11,368 --> 00:15:15,998
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, FOR YOUR
LOVE, MR. COLBERT

287
00:15:16,081 --> 00:15:17,833
OH, YEAH ♪
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE,

288
00:15:17,916 --> 00:15:18,292
EVERYBODY.

289
00:15:18,375 --> 00:15:20,127
THANK YOU, JON.

290
00:15:20,210 --> 00:15:27,009
( LAUGHING )
FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF

291
00:15:27,092 --> 00:15:29,637
MY TIME WITH A SNIFTER OF FINE
ARMAGNAC AT MY ELBOW, LAYING OUT

292
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:32,181
THE NEWSIEST, MOST COMPELLING
PLOTS, CONSTRUCTING THE MOST

293
00:15:32,264 --> 00:15:36,310
TOPICAL CHARACTERS, AND
COMPOSING THE TIMELIEST LYRICAL

294
00:15:36,393 --> 00:15:41,649
METAPHORS TO BRING YOU THE
PULITZER-WORTHY MAGNUM OPUS OF A

295
00:15:41,732 --> 00:15:43,067
NOVEL THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

296
00:15:43,150 --> 00:15:44,526
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I LIKE
TO POUND A RACK OF BOOTLEG FOUR

297
00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:47,863
LOKO, DEFACE A BUNCH OF CUTOUTS
FROM FASHIONS MAGS WITH A

298
00:15:47,946 --> 00:15:49,156
SHARPIE AND SLAP 'EM TOGETHER
WITH GLUE STICKS, THEN HIJACK MY

299
00:15:49,239 --> 00:15:53,869
BROTHER-IN-LAW'S OFFICE PRINTER
AND RUN DOWN THE TONER, CRANKING

300
00:15:53,952 --> 00:15:55,079
OUT THE DERANGED, UNDERGROUND
'ZINE OF NEWS THAT IS MY

301
00:15:55,162 --> 00:16:04,046
SEGMENT:
>> QUARANTINE-WHILE.

302
00:16:04,129 --> 00:16:06,048
>> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE, IF
YOU'RE STILL NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

303
00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:09,718
WITH YOUR LOVED ONE ON
VALENTINES, THERE'S SOME GREAT

304
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:11,428
NEWS:
"WHITE CASTLE IS TRANSFORMING

305
00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:12,179
RESTAURANTS INTO DRIVE-INS FOR
THE NIGHT," COMPLETE WITH

306
00:16:12,262 --> 00:16:16,684
"CARHOP SERVICE."

307
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:18,060
THE WAY YOU CELEBRATE VALENTINES
SENDS A MESSAGE.

308
00:16:18,143 --> 00:16:20,229
AND WHITE CASTLE IS THE PERFECT
WAY TO SAY, "OUR LOVE IS

309
00:16:20,312 --> 00:16:24,733
GRATIFYING IN THE SHORT TERM,
BUT I WILL LOSE INTEREST AS SOON

310
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:27,111
AS I AM NO LONGER HIGH."

311
00:16:27,194 --> 00:16:31,949
IT'S A BIG NIGHT FOR THEM, AND
ACCORDING TO A SPOKESPERSON,

312
00:16:32,032 --> 00:16:34,535
"WHITE CASTLE WILL BECOME LOVE
CASTLE," BECAUSE THE ONLY THING

313
00:16:34,618 --> 00:16:37,121
THAT GETS YOU IN THE MOOD FASTER
THAN A MEAL AT WHITE CASTLE IS

314
00:16:37,204 --> 00:16:38,080
TO BE TRAPPED IN A CAR WITH
SOMEONE WHO JUST HAD A MEAL AT

315
00:16:38,163 --> 00:16:42,084
WHITE CASTLE.

316
00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:46,296
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "OSCAR MEYER
IS SEEKING NEW DRIVERS FOR ITS

317
00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:47,923
FAMOUS WEINERMOBILE."

318
00:16:48,006 --> 00:16:52,553
THEY ARE LOOKING FOR RECENT
COLLEGE GRADUATES TO TAKE ON THE

319
00:16:52,636 --> 00:16:56,098
ONE-YEAR PAID JOB CRISSCROSSING
THE COUNTRY IN THE ICONIC

320
00:16:56,181 --> 00:16:58,726
27-FOOT-LONG HOT-DOG-SHAPED
VEHICLE.

321
00:16:58,809 --> 00:17:02,479
BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS "THANK YOU,
MOM AND DAD, FOR WORKING YOUR

322
00:17:02,563 --> 00:17:04,606
ENTIRE LIVES SO THAT I COULD GET
A B.F.A. IN MUSICAL THEATRE,"

323
00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:07,651
QUITE LIKE SPENDING A YEAR
DRIVING A BEEF STICK LIMOUSINE.█

324
00:17:07,735 --> 00:17:10,612
THE GIG PROMISES ALL SORTS OF
ADVENTURE.

325
00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:14,116
IN FACT, ONE OF LAST YEAR'S
DRIVERS "EVEN PROPOSED TO HIS

326
00:17:14,199 --> 00:17:16,243
GIRLFRIEND WHILE ON THE ROAD."

327
00:17:16,326 --> 00:17:18,162
BUT IF PROPOSING IN THE
WIENERMOBILE DOESN'T FEEL

328
00:17:18,245 --> 00:17:22,624
ROMANTIC ENOUGH, YOU CAN ALWAYS
TAKE HER TO THE DRIVE-THRU AT

329
00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:23,917
WHITE CASTLE.

330
00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:26,754
( LAUGHTER )
QUARANTINE-WHILE, UNLESS YOU

331
00:17:26,837 --> 00:17:28,630
LIVE UNDER A ROCK, YOU ARE
ALREADY ALARMINGLY AWARE OF

332
00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:33,302
GWYNETH PATLROW'S GOOP CANDLEۇ
THAT PROMISES TO SMELL LIKE HER

333
00:17:33,385 --> 00:17:34,928
VAGINA.

334
00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:42,144
BUT I'M THE WEIRDO IF I ENTER
SOMEONE'S HOME AND ASK, "IS IS

335
00:17:42,227 --> 00:17:43,020
ME, OR DOES IT SMELL LIKE
GWYNETH PALTROW'S VAGINA IN

336
00:17:43,103 --> 00:17:46,940
HERE?"
( LAUGHTER )

337
00:17:47,024 --> 00:17:52,613
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING
THIS.

338
00:17:52,696 --> 00:17:54,156
BUT YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO BUY
THE CANDLE THAT SMELLS LIKE

339
00:17:54,239 --> 00:17:57,743
GWYNETH PALTROW'S VAGINA
BECAUSE "ONE OF HER VAGINA

340
00:17:57,826 --> 00:18:00,496
CANDLES REPORTEDLY EXPLODED IN A
U.K. WOMAN'S HOME."

341
00:18:00,579 --> 00:18:02,873
A SHOCKING STORY THAT THREATENS
THE ENTIRE VAGINA-SCENTED CANDLE

342
00:18:02,956 --> 00:18:04,333
INDUSTRY.

343
00:18:04,416 --> 00:18:07,503
ACCORDING TO THE HOMEOWNER, "THE
CANDLE EXPLODED AND EMITTED HUGE

344
00:18:07,586 --> 00:18:08,670
FLAMES, WITH BITS FLYING
EVERYWHERE."

345
00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:13,383
WHICH IS WHY SAFETY-MINDED
CONSUMERS PREFER TO STICK WITH

346
00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:14,384
YANKEE CANDLE'S AUTUMN LABIA.

347
00:18:14,468 --> 00:18:21,517
( LAUGHTER )
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "NESTLE HAS

348
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:25,813
RECALLED 762,000 POUNDS OF HOT
POCKETS BECAUSE THEY MAY HAVE

349
00:18:25,896 --> 00:18:26,814
GLASS AND PLASTIC INSIDE."

350
00:18:26,897 --> 00:18:29,399
OKAY, BUT THEY STILL HAVE
CHEESE, RIGHT?

351
00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:32,820
THE COMPANY IS WARNING CUSTOMERS
THAT THE HOT POCKETS CONTAINING

352
00:18:32,903 --> 00:18:35,531
GLASS AND PLASTIC ARE DANGEROUS,
THOUGH STILL NOT AS DANGEROUS

353
00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:37,366
AS EATING THEM STRAIGHT OUT OF
THE MICROWAVE.

354
00:18:37,449 --> 00:18:41,370
STILL, PRETTY SHOCKING, AND SOME
SERIOUS COMPETITION FOR ORE

355
00:18:41,453 --> 00:18:45,040
IDA'S GLASS AND PLASTIC-INOS.

356
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:48,001
QUARANTINE-WHILE, THIS IS THE
KIND OF NEWS I'M HOPING TO SPEND

357
00:18:48,085 --> 00:18:53,382
MORE TIME THINKING ABOUT IN
2021.

358
00:18:53,465 --> 00:18:55,175
BECAUSE IN WAYLAND,
MASSACHUSETTS, "LIBRARIANS ARE

359
00:18:55,259 --> 00:18:57,678
MYSTIFIED BY POTATOES GATHERING
ON THE LIBRARY'S FRONT LAWN."

360
00:18:57,761 --> 00:19:07,604
I THINK THE WORD YOU'RE LOOKING
FOR IS "ACCUMULATING," OR

361
00:19:07,688 --> 00:19:08,814
"GATHERING" IMPLIES THEY'RE
RESPONDING TO SOME SORT OF

362
00:19:08,897 --> 00:19:10,440
PRIMAL POTATO CALL TO ASSEMBLE
FOR THE GREAT POTATO UPRISING.

363
00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:11,733
"ARISE, FELLOW TUBERS!

364
00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:13,235
NEVER AGAIN WILL THEY SPRINKLE
US WITH CHIVES!"

365
00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:20,450
"THE CREAM MAY BE SOUR BUT OUR
REVENGE WILL BE SWEET!"

366
00:19:20,534 --> 00:19:23,579
THE LIBRARIANS HAVE BEEN SHAKEN
BY WHAT THEY REFER TO AS "RANDOM

367
00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:25,205
POTATOES."

368
00:19:25,289 --> 00:19:26,456
YES, RANDOM.

369
00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:29,459
THESE POTATOES ARE NEITHER
EXPECTED NOR ORDERLY!

370
00:19:29,543 --> 00:19:31,253
THESE ARE TATERS OF CHAOS!

371
00:19:31,336 --> 00:19:34,631
ACCORDING TO REPORTS, LIBRARY
"DIRECTOR SANDY RAYMOND FOUND

372
00:19:34,715 --> 00:19:37,467
THE FIRST TUBER MONDAY DURING A
WALK AROUND THE LIBRARY GROUNDS.

373
00:19:37,551 --> 00:19:39,303
SHE DISCOVERED THE SECOND WHILE
GETTING HER STEPS IN TUESDAY."

374
00:19:39,386 --> 00:19:43,182
THAT'S HOW VICIOUS THIS
CRIME IS!

375
00:19:43,265 --> 00:19:45,100
SHE'S TRYING GET HER STEPS IN,
AND SOME SICKO IS TAUNTING HER

376
00:19:45,183 --> 00:19:47,603
WITH CARBS!

377
00:19:47,686 --> 00:19:49,438
AND YOU KNOW WE'RE ONLY HEARING
ABOUT THIS BECAUSE OF THE SECOND

378
00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:51,106
POTATO.

379
00:19:51,189 --> 00:19:53,442
IF IT WAS ONE POTATO, THE
MAINSTREAM MEDIA WOULD

380
00:19:53,525 --> 00:19:56,236
COMPLETELY IGNORE IT.

381
00:19:56,320 --> 00:20:01,617
BUT TWO POTATOES, THAT'S A CLEAR
PATTERN OF POTERRORISM.

382
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:05,621
TO AID LAW ENFORCEMENT, THE
PRESS HAS RELEASED THIS PHOTO OF

383
00:20:05,704 --> 00:20:08,290
THE LIBRARY AND THE
POTATO-VIOLATED LAWN WITH THE

384
00:20:08,373 --> 00:20:14,296
HELPFUL CAPTION, "ARROWS
INDICATE WHERE POTATOES ARE."

385
00:20:14,379 --> 00:20:15,088
THAT'S RIGHT, "ARE"!

386
00:20:15,172 --> 00:20:15,797
LEAVE THEM THERE.

387
00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:17,633
DON'T TOUCH THE CRIME SCENE!

388
00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:20,260
TAPE IT OFF.

389
00:20:20,344 --> 00:20:23,931
FORENSICS ARE ON THE WAY OVER
WITH SOUR CREAM AND BACON BITS!

390
00:20:24,014 --> 00:20:27,309
THE LIBRARIANS ALSO STATED,
"NONE OF US CAN IMAGINE HOW

391
00:20:27,392 --> 00:20:29,519
THEY GOT THERE."

392
00:20:29,603 --> 00:20:32,272
IT'S UNIMAGINABLE!

393
00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:38,278
OH, YOU MIGHT BE SAYING,
"UH, DROPPED BY WALKING OR

394
00:20:38,362 --> 00:20:41,156
THROWN FROM A CAR ARE, LIKE, THE
ONLY TWO OPTIONS, RIGHT?"

395
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:41,823
WELL, SNAP OUT OF IT!

396
00:20:41,907 --> 00:20:42,950
IT CANNOT BE EXPLAINED.

397
00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:44,159
DID YOU EVEN CONSIDER THAT IT
COULD BE THE SASQUATCH?

398
00:20:44,242 --> 00:20:48,455
YOU NEVER SEE A PHOTO OF BIGFOOT
WITH A POTATO.

399
00:20:48,538 --> 00:20:49,665
NO, WHY?

400
00:20:49,748 --> 00:20:50,666
BECAUSE HE DROPPED HIS SPUDS AT
THE LIBRARY!

401
00:20:50,749 --> 00:20:54,336
AND, AGAIN, KEEP IN MIND, THIS
STORY IS NOT OVER.

402
00:20:54,419 --> 00:21:05,681
THERE'S MORE POTATO STORY
COMING.

403
00:21:05,764 --> 00:21:08,350
>> IN THE PATROL OF FULL
DISCLOSURE I THINK I

404
00:21:08,433 --> 00:21:09,184
BECAUSE IF YOU THINK THIS IS
JUST SOME FUNNY, ISOLATED LITTLE

405
00:21:09,267 --> 00:21:10,352
POTATO INCIDENT, YOU'RE
SHOULD REVEAL

406
00:21:10,435 --> 00:21:11,019
SHOULD REVEAL THAT "POTATO
OCCURRENCES" WAS THE NAME OF MY

407
00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:13,355
COLLEGE POETRY SLAM COLLECTIVE.

408
00:21:13,438 --> 00:21:18,902
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STAR OF
"OUR FRIEND," JASON SEGEL.

409
00:21:30,998 --> 00:21:35,335
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,

410
00:21:35,419 --> 00:21:40,090
WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."

411
00:21:40,173 --> 00:21:42,384
YOU KNOW MY GUEST THIS EVENING
FROM "FORGETTING SARAH

412
00:21:42,467 --> 00:21:44,052
MARSHALL," "HOW I MET YOUR
MOTHER," AND "DISPATCHES FROM

413
00:21:44,136 --> 00:21:45,053
ELSEWHERE."

414
00:21:45,137 --> 00:21:49,516
HIS NEW FILM IS CALLED "OUR
FRIEND."

415
00:21:49,599 --> 00:21:50,892
PLEASE WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW,"
HEY, JASON.

416
00:21:50,976 --> 00:21:52,436
>> GOOD TO SEE YOU, MAN.

417
00:21:52,519 --> 00:21:53,437
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU,
TOO.

418
00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:58,358
LAST TIME WE WERE TOGETHER WAS
FEBRUARY, I THINK.

419
00:21:58,442 --> 00:22:01,528
IT WAS RIGHT BEFORE EVERYTHING
CAME TO A SCREECHING HALT.

420
00:22:01,611 --> 00:22:06,241
WHEN WERE YOU WHEN EVERYTHING--
I HAVEN'T TALKED TO YOU SINCE

421
00:22:06,324 --> 00:22:07,534
THEN.

422
00:22:07,617 --> 00:22:08,744
WHEN WERE YOU WHEN BASICALLY
EVERYBODY HAD TO LOCK DOWN?

423
00:22:08,827 --> 00:22:13,790
>> YEAH, I-- I LIVE IN A LITTLE
FARM TOWN, LIKE A COUPLE OF

424
00:22:13,874 --> 00:22:15,542
HOURS NORTH OF LOS ANGELES, SO I
WAS THERE.

425
00:22:15,625 --> 00:22:19,546
AND I WAS THERE FOR MOST OF THE
LOCKDOWN.

426
00:22:19,629 --> 00:22:21,798
I LIVE ON A BIG ORANGE GROVE.

427
00:22:21,882 --> 00:22:22,924
I THINK WE'VE TALKED ABOUT IT.

428
00:22:23,008 --> 00:22:24,051
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TALKED
ABOUT IT.

429
00:22:24,134 --> 00:22:27,054
>> YES, I KNOW-- I KNOW THAT
THAT'S INTERESTING TO YOU.

430
00:22:27,137 --> 00:22:27,929
IT IS TO ME, TOO.

431
00:22:28,013 --> 00:22:29,598
>> Stephen: IT IS VERY
INTERESTING TO ME.

432
00:22:29,681 --> 00:22:32,267
>> BUT I LOVE IT.

433
00:22:32,350 --> 00:22:34,102
SO, YEAH, I WAS THERE FOR MOST
OF THE TIME.

434
00:22:34,186 --> 00:22:36,563
I WOULD JUST WALK AROUND THE
ORANGE GROVE, AND EVENTUALLY, I

435
00:22:36,646 --> 00:22:39,441
JUST STARTED TO FEEL LIKE THE
LAST MAN ON EARTH.

436
00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:42,277
I MEAN, I'M SURE EVERYBODY FELT
THAT WAY, BEING LOCKED UP.

437
00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:43,487
>> Stephen: WERE YOU ALONE?

438
00:22:43,570 --> 00:22:45,113
WERE YOU ALONE FOR THIS?

439
00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:45,655
>> I WAS, YES.

440
00:22:45,739 --> 00:22:47,741
>> Stephen: OH, WOW.

441
00:22:47,824 --> 00:22:48,742
>> YEAH.

442
00:22:48,825 --> 00:22:50,535
>> Stephen: JUST YOU AND THE
ORANGES.

443
00:22:50,619 --> 00:22:51,661
>> YEAH!

444
00:22:51,745 --> 00:22:54,456
JUST ME AND THE ORANGES, AND MY
BRAN, MAN.

445
00:22:54,539 --> 00:22:57,292
IT WASN'T A GOOD LOOK.

446
00:22:57,375 --> 00:22:58,543
( STEPHEN WHISTLES ).

447
00:22:58,627 --> 00:23:02,506
>> Stephen: THE CHAMBER
SOLITUDE UP HERE.

448
00:23:02,589 --> 00:23:06,426
>> JUST TRYING TO SOLVE PROBLEMS
THAT CAN'T BE SOLVED AND DON'T

449
00:23:06,510 --> 00:23:08,470
EXIST, YOU KNOW.

450
00:23:08,553 --> 00:23:09,638
BUT, YEAH, AND THEN I GOT
REALLY, REALLY LUCKY.

451
00:23:09,721 --> 00:23:13,475
THERE WAS THAT LULL IN THE
MIDDLE WHERE WE THOUGHT MAYBE

452
00:23:13,558 --> 00:23:18,647
THINGS WERE CALMING DOWN, AND I
WENT AND I SHOT A MOVIE.

453
00:23:18,730 --> 00:23:22,150
IN HUMBOLT COUNTY IN NORTHERN
CALIFORNIA, IN THE REDWOODS, SO

454
00:23:22,234 --> 00:23:22,776
THAT WAS NICE TO BREAK UP.

455
00:23:22,859 --> 00:23:24,986
IT WAS VERY, VERY BEAUTIFUL.

456
00:23:25,070 --> 00:23:27,322
>> Stephen: HOW ARE YOU-- HOW
ARE YOU-- A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE

457
00:23:27,405 --> 00:23:30,575
TURNED TO EXERCISE TO KEEP THEIR
BRAIN FROM SCRAMBLING.

458
00:23:30,659 --> 00:23:34,121
I EVEN CONSIDERED IT FOR A
WHILE.

459
00:23:34,204 --> 00:23:37,958
HVE YOU-- HAVE YOU BEEN-- HAVE
YOU BEEN KEEPING YOURSELF SANE?

460
00:23:38,041 --> 00:23:39,376
>> I HAVE.

461
00:23:39,459 --> 00:23:41,503
YOU KNOW WHAT, I DECIDED THAT I
WAS GOING TO USE THIS PERIOD TO

462
00:23:41,586 --> 00:23:45,215
START ADDRESSING THE THINGS IN
MY LIFE THAT CAUSE ME A LOT OF

463
00:23:45,298 --> 00:23:46,258
ANXIETY.

464
00:23:46,341 --> 00:23:49,553
AND I HAVE BEEN-- I WAS GOING TO
SAY OUT OF SHAPE.

465
00:23:49,636 --> 00:23:50,804
I'VE BEEN FAT.

466
00:23:50,887 --> 00:23:53,390
( LAUGHTER )
FOR A LONG TIME IN MY LIFE.

467
00:23:53,473 --> 00:23:59,688
AND EVERY-- EVERY MORNING I WAKE
UP, LIKE, "I WISH I WASN'T THIS

468
00:23:59,771 --> 00:24:00,230
WAY.

469
00:24:00,313 --> 00:24:01,690
SO I STARTED WALKING.

470
00:24:01,773 --> 00:24:06,570
I STARTED WALKING-- HONESTLY,
LIKE, 10 MILES A DAY FOR ALMOST

471
00:24:06,653 --> 00:24:08,864
EVERY DAY DURING QUARANTINE.

472
00:24:08,947 --> 00:24:09,990
>> Stephen: WOW.

473
00:24:10,073 --> 00:24:12,868
>> AND IT'S BEEN REALLY, REALLY
LOVELY.

474
00:24:12,951 --> 00:24:14,411
>> Stephen: DO YOU ALWAYS GET
IT IN?

475
00:24:14,494 --> 00:24:16,580
LIKE--
>> OH, ALWAYS.

476
00:24:16,663 --> 00:24:18,748
>> Stephen: RAIN OR SHANE?

477
00:24:18,832 --> 00:24:20,000
RAIN OR SHINE?

478
00:24:20,083 --> 00:24:24,546
AT HOME OR WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU
WERE UP IN THE REDWOODS WERE YOU

479
00:24:24,629 --> 00:24:29,509
OUT THERE WITH THE S SASS SWATCH
IN THE REDWOODS.

480
00:24:29,593 --> 00:24:33,096
>> SASCWAWCH IS THERE ACCORDING
TO THEM.

481
00:24:33,180 --> 00:24:35,891
>> Stephen: I WORKED FOR "THE
DAILY SHOW" IN 1998.

482
00:24:35,974 --> 00:24:37,893
I KNOW WHERE THE SASCWAWCH ARE.

483
00:24:37,976 --> 00:24:39,102
>> SO THERE'S ONE THERE.

484
00:24:39,186 --> 00:24:45,942
I ALSO-- I WOULD DRIVE MYSELF TO
NATIONAL PARKS WHEN THEY WERE

485
00:24:46,026 --> 00:24:47,194
STILL OPEN.

486
00:24:47,277 --> 00:24:53,575
I TOOK MYSELF TO LASON VOLCANIC
NATIONAL PARK BECAUSE I HAD A

487
00:24:53,658 --> 00:24:54,201
FEW DAYS OFF.

488
00:24:54,284 --> 00:24:54,784
>> Stephen: WHERE IS THAT?

489
00:24:54,868 --> 00:24:56,745
I'M SORRY, WHERE IS THAT?

490
00:24:56,828 --> 00:24:59,414
>> IT'S IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA.

491
00:24:59,497 --> 00:25:04,044
IN THE MIDDLE-- IT'S GEOTHERMIC,
THERE'S, LIKE, STEAM COMING UP.

492
00:25:04,127 --> 00:25:07,464
I DECIDED I WAS GOING TO HAVE A
"INTO THE WILD" KIND OF DAY.

493
00:25:07,547 --> 00:25:11,468
I PACKED UP A BIG BACKPACK AND
TOOK OFF ON A HIKE.

494
00:25:11,551 --> 00:25:13,929
AND I MADE WHAT I WILL CALL A
VERY BOY DECISION.

495
00:25:14,012 --> 00:25:17,933
WHICH IS THAT I WALKED UNTIL I
GOT TIRED BUT DID NOT FACTOR IN

496
00:25:18,016 --> 00:25:18,600
THAT YOU THEN HAVE TO WALK BACK.

497
00:25:18,683 --> 00:25:20,560
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

498
00:25:20,644 --> 00:25:23,939
LIKE, I DIDN'T THINK EVEN ONE
STEP AHEAD.

499
00:25:24,022 --> 00:25:29,152
AND I GOT SO TIRED, THAT AT ONE
POINT, I WAS ALL ALONE AND I

500
00:25:29,236 --> 00:25:34,950
KNEW WHAT I NEEDED TO DO, AND I
SAT DOWN AND I JUST CRIED.

501
00:25:35,033 --> 00:25:37,494
I'M NOT EMBARRASSED TO SAY I SAT
ON A LOG AND CRIED AND CRIED.

502
00:25:37,577 --> 00:25:42,707
IT WAS ABOUT OTHER STUFF --
>> Stephen: IS IT OKAY IF I'M

503
00:25:42,791 --> 00:25:43,500
EMBARRASSED?

504
00:25:43,583 --> 00:25:46,253
( LAUGHING )
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

505
00:25:46,336 --> 00:25:47,420
I WAS...

506
00:25:47,504 --> 00:25:49,339
I WAS PROUD OF MYSELF FOR
LETTING IT OUT.

507
00:25:49,422 --> 00:25:52,592
AND I SAID TO MYSELF, "JASON,
SOME DAY YOU'RE GOING TO COME

508
00:25:52,676 --> 00:25:54,636
BACK HERE AND THIS WILL BE
EASY."

509
00:25:54,719 --> 00:25:55,637
>> Stephen: OH, OKAY.

510
00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:58,014
>> SO THAT'S MY GOAL FOR NEXT
YEAR.

511
00:25:58,098 --> 00:26:01,977
>> Stephen: AND SPEAKING OF
THIS YEAR-NEXT YEAR, HAPPY

512
00:26:02,060 --> 00:26:03,061
BIRTHDAY WAS YESTERDAY, RIGHT?

513
00:26:03,144 --> 00:26:05,355
HOW MANY YEARS HAVE WE BEEN ON
THE PLANET?

514
00:26:05,438 --> 00:26:06,773
>> I HAVE BEEN ON THE PLANET FOR
41 YEARS.

515
00:26:06,856 --> 00:26:07,649
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOTHING,
MAN.

516
00:26:07,732 --> 00:26:09,442
THAT'S NOTHING.

517
00:26:09,526 --> 00:26:09,818
>> THAT'S WHAT I KEEP HEARING.

518
00:26:09,901 --> 00:26:11,987
THAT'S NICE.

519
00:26:12,070 --> 00:26:14,656
BUT I HEAR IT FROM PEOPLE WHO--
I DON'T HEAR IT FROM KIDS.

520
00:26:14,739 --> 00:26:15,532
>> Stephen: NO.

521
00:26:15,615 --> 00:26:18,618
>> NO YOUNG KIDS SAY, "41 IS
NOTHING."

522
00:26:18,702 --> 00:26:20,662
>> Stephen: NO, NO, NO, NO.

523
00:26:20,745 --> 00:26:21,538
BUT THEY DON'T KNOW.

524
00:26:21,621 --> 00:26:24,499
>> WELL, I WILL TELL YOU THIS.

525
00:26:24,582 --> 00:26:29,462
ON THIS MOVIE I JUST DID, THERE
WERE COSTARS WHO, AS FAR AS I

526
00:26:29,546 --> 00:26:36,511
COULD TELL, WERE ADULTS, BUT
THEY ALL CALL ME "MR. SEGEL."

527
00:26:36,594 --> 00:26:39,180
>> Stephen: OOOOH.

528
00:26:39,264 --> 00:26:41,016
WERE ANY OF THESE YOUR LOVE
INTERESTS IN THE MOVIE?

529
00:26:41,099 --> 00:26:42,684
>> NO, NO, THANK GOD.

530
00:26:42,767 --> 00:26:46,980
BUT THEY WOULD SAY THINGS LIKE,
"YOU WERE A BIG PART OF MY

531
00:26:47,063 --> 00:26:47,522
CHILDHOOD."

532
00:26:47,605 --> 00:26:48,398
AND I DIDN'T LIKE IT.

533
00:26:48,481 --> 00:26:49,566
I DIDN'T LIKE IT AT ALL.

534
00:26:49,649 --> 00:26:52,986
>> Stephen: YEAH, I GET GUESTS
WHO COME ON AND SAY, "I HAVE

535
00:26:53,069 --> 00:26:55,196
LOVED YOU SINCE SIXTH GRADE."

536
00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:55,697
>> OH, YEAH.

537
00:26:55,780 --> 00:26:55,989
>> Stephen: YEAH.

538
00:26:56,072 --> 00:26:57,532
>> YEAH.

539
00:26:57,615 --> 00:26:58,199
BUT, YOU KNOW, WHAT?

540
00:26:58,283 --> 00:27:00,076
BEATS THE ALTERNATIVE, RIGHT?

541
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:01,369
WE'RE STILL KICKING.

542
00:27:01,453 --> 00:27:03,330
>> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU DO
FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?

543
00:27:03,413 --> 00:27:04,247
HOW DID YOU CELEBRATE?

544
00:27:04,331 --> 00:27:06,583
HOW DID YOU MAKE IT SPECIAL FOR
JASON SEGEL?

545
00:27:06,666 --> 00:27:08,877
>> THAT'S A NICE QUESTION.

546
00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:10,712
I TOOK A BIG, LONG WALK.

547
00:27:10,795 --> 00:27:12,213
THERE'S NOT MUCH YOU CAN DO.

548
00:27:12,297 --> 00:27:14,674
I TOOK A BIG LONG WALK, AND I'VE
BEEN EATING HEALTHY THIS YEAR.

549
00:27:14,758 --> 00:27:17,552
THERE'S A FOOD TREND IN L.A.

550
00:27:17,635 --> 00:27:20,555
CALLED THE MASHVILLE HOT CHICKEN
SANDWICH.

551
00:27:20,638 --> 00:27:21,014
>> Stephen: SURE, I'VE HAD
ONE.

552
00:27:21,097 --> 00:27:22,766
THEY'RE FAN TASH.

553
00:27:22,849 --> 00:27:26,561
>> I HAD NIGH FIRST NASHVILLE
HOT CHICKEN SANDWICH.

554
00:27:26,644 --> 00:27:27,228
THAT'S ABOUT IT.

555
00:27:27,312 --> 00:27:28,355
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT.

556
00:27:28,438 --> 00:27:30,523
>> I MEAN, WHAT-- WHAT ARE WE
GOING TO DO?

557
00:27:30,607 --> 00:27:31,691
THERE'S NOT MUCH ELSE TO DO.

558
00:27:31,775 --> 00:27:33,526
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW.

559
00:27:33,610 --> 00:27:36,529
>> I'VE DONE EVERYTHING THERE IS
TO DO.

560
00:27:36,613 --> 00:27:38,740
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BRESK, BUT WHEN WE RETURN,

561
00:27:38,823 --> 00:27:42,869
JASON HAS ANOTHER STORY ABOUT
GOING FOR A WALK.

562
00:27:42,952 --> 00:27:44,162
♪ ♪ ♪

563
00:27:51,503 --> 00:27:55,757
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.

564
00:27:55,840 --> 00:27:59,761
WE'RE BACK WITH STAR OF "OUR
FRIEND," JASON SEGEL.

565
00:27:59,844 --> 00:28:02,722
YOUR NEW MOVIE "OUR FRIEND,"
STARS CASEY AFFLECK AND DAKOTA

566
00:28:02,806 --> 00:28:03,348
JOHNSON.

567
00:28:03,431 --> 00:28:04,516
IT'S BASED ON A TRUE STORY.

568
00:28:04,599 --> 00:28:09,896
CANۇ YOU-- CAN YOU TELL THE
PEOPLE-- IT'S FASCINATING, IF

569
00:28:09,979 --> 00:28:11,940
HEARTBREAKING STORY.

570
00:28:12,023 --> 00:28:13,274
>> WELL, IT'S DEFINITELY
HEARTBREAKING, AND I THINK

571
00:28:13,358 --> 00:28:16,403
SOMEHOW MANAGES TO BE UPLIFTING
AS WELL, WHICH IS WHY I WAS

572
00:28:16,486 --> 00:28:19,781
INTERESTED IN DOING IT.

573
00:28:19,864 --> 00:28:24,786
BUT MATTHEW TEAGUE, WROTE AN
ARTICLE, WHICH THEY TURNED INTO

574
00:28:24,869 --> 00:28:26,955
THIS MOVIE.

575
00:28:27,038 --> 00:28:31,084
HIS WIFE WAS STRUCK WITH
PANCREATIC CANCER WHICH IS A

576
00:28:31,167 --> 00:28:34,796
DEVASTATING ILLNESS, AND AS THEY
WERE, AS A HOUSEHOLD DEALING

577
00:28:34,879 --> 00:28:37,799
WITH EVERYTHING THAT WAS GOING
ON, THEY REALIZED THEY WERE

578
00:28:37,882 --> 00:28:42,804
OVERWHELMED AND THEY BROUGHT IN
THEIR BEST FRIEND, NAMED DANE,

579
00:28:42,887 --> 00:28:45,140
WHO I PLAY, TO HELP THEM THROUGH
THE PROCESS.

580
00:28:45,223 --> 00:28:48,476
AND HE ENDED UP BASICALLY GIVING
UP HIS LIFE AND LIVING WITH THEM

581
00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:52,981
FOR SOMETHING LIKE TWO YEARS.

582
00:28:53,064 --> 00:28:58,361
AND I GUESS WHAT WAS AMAZING TO
ME IS THAT MATT TEAGUE WENT

583
00:28:58,445 --> 00:29:01,364
THROUGH THE HARDEST THING YOU'RE
EVER GOING TO GO THROUGH, AND

584
00:29:01,448 --> 00:29:06,619
SOMEHOW CAME OUT OF THE PROCESS
IN VIEWING THIS AS A STORY ABOUT

585
00:29:06,703 --> 00:29:07,537
FRIENDSHIP.

586
00:29:07,620 --> 00:29:08,955
AND THAT'S WHAT THE MOVIE IS
ABOUT.

587
00:29:09,038 --> 00:29:10,665
IT'S HEARTBREAKING.

588
00:29:10,748 --> 00:29:11,791
IT'S ALSO REALLY UPLIFTING.

589
00:29:11,875 --> 00:29:16,504
AND IT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING TO BE
A PART OF.

590
00:29:16,588 --> 00:29:17,297
>> Stephen: AND I UNDERSTAND
YOU PLAY THE FRIEND.

591
00:29:17,380 --> 00:29:20,800
>> I PLAY THE FRIEND, YEAH,
DANE.

592
00:29:20,884 --> 00:29:21,968
>> Stephen: AND WE HAVE A CLIP
HERE.

593
00:29:22,051 --> 00:29:24,387
IT'S YOU AND CASEY.

594
00:29:24,471 --> 00:29:25,180
DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON
HERE?

595
00:29:25,263 --> 00:29:26,973
>> I DO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON
HERE.

596
00:29:27,056 --> 00:29:30,810
SO THERE IS A POINT IN THE
REAL-LIFE STORY, IN THE MOVIE,

597
00:29:30,894 --> 00:29:33,813
WHERE EVERYONE JUST BECOMES
OVERWHELMED, AND PEOPLE START

598
00:29:33,897 --> 00:29:36,441
BEING REALLY SHORT WITH EACH
OTHER AND AT EACH OTHER'S

599
00:29:36,524 --> 00:29:37,984
THROATS, AS YOU CAN IMAGINE.

600
00:29:38,067 --> 00:29:41,863
AND CASEY, WHO PLAYS MATT
TEAGUE, NEEDS A BREAK, AND SO I

601
00:29:41,946 --> 00:29:43,990
HIKE A LOT IN THE MOVIE.

602
00:29:44,073 --> 00:29:48,453
AND I TELL HIM TO COME WITH ME
TO JUST GET A BREAK.

603
00:29:48,536 --> 00:29:51,080
THAT'S FUNNY TO YOU THAT I HIKE
A LOT IN THE MOVIE.

604
00:29:51,164 --> 00:29:51,998
LISTEN --
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE TALKED A

605
00:29:52,081 --> 00:29:53,833
LOT ABOUT WALKING IN THIS
INTERVIEW.

606
00:29:53,917 --> 00:29:55,877
YOU HAVE BEEN WALKING.

607
00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:59,172
YOU SAID FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY, YOU
WENT FOR A WALK.

608
00:29:59,255 --> 00:30:04,844
AND IN THIS MOVIE, YOUR
CHARACTER TRAIT IS "GUY WHO

609
00:30:04,928 --> 00:30:07,180
HIKE."

610
00:30:07,263 --> 00:30:08,389
>> LISTEN, WHEN THEY SAID, DO
YOU WANT TO BE ON THE SHOW?"

611
00:30:08,473 --> 00:30:10,391
I SAID I HAVE NO STORIES.

612
00:30:10,475 --> 00:30:11,851
AND SHE SAID, "YOU MUST HAVE
BEEN DOING SOMETHING."

613
00:30:11,935 --> 00:30:14,771
AND I SAID, "I'VE BEEN WALKING."

614
00:30:14,854 --> 00:30:15,772
AND SHE'S LIKE, "GREAT.

615
00:30:15,855 --> 00:30:17,398
OH, GREAT.

616
00:30:17,482 --> 00:30:18,858
THAT WILL FILL THE TIME!

617
00:30:18,942 --> 00:30:22,946
TELL US ABOUT THE WALKING!"
( LAUGHTER )

618
00:30:23,029 --> 00:30:23,738
HERE WE ARE.

619
00:30:23,821 --> 00:30:26,074
>> Stephen: PEOPLE CAN RELATE
TO IT.

620
00:30:26,157 --> 00:30:26,533
IT'S RELATABLE.

621
00:30:26,616 --> 00:30:27,408
MANY PEOPLE WALK.

622
00:30:27,492 --> 00:30:32,205
NOT IN LOS ANGELES, BUT MANY
PEOPLE WALK.

623
00:30:32,288 --> 00:30:33,206
WELL, JIM.

624
00:30:33,289 --> 00:30:34,916
( LAUGHTER )
>> IT'S WEIRD TO JUST SIT OVER

625
00:30:34,999 --> 00:30:37,585
HERE AND WATCH.

626
00:30:37,669 --> 00:30:41,714
WE HAVE TO TELL THEM THAT WE'RE
HERE SO THEY KNOW SO THEY DON'T,

627
00:30:41,798 --> 00:30:44,425
YOU KNOW, GO SKINNY-DIPPING OR
SOMETHING.

628
00:30:44,509 --> 00:30:46,886
JUST SAY SOMEONE'S OVER HERE SO
THEY KNOW WE'RE HERE.

629
00:30:46,970 --> 00:30:47,554
SAY SOMETHING.

630
00:30:47,637 --> 00:30:49,264
TELL THEM--
>> I'M GOING TO!

631
00:30:49,347 --> 00:30:52,433
I'M THINKING OF WHAT TO SAY--
>> JUST SAY, "THERE ARE PEOPLE

632
00:30:52,517 --> 00:30:53,268
HERE."

633
00:30:53,351 --> 00:30:54,435
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU SAY.

634
00:30:54,519 --> 00:30:55,812
>> THERE ARE PEOPLE HERE.

635
00:30:55,895 --> 00:30:58,898
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!

636
00:30:58,982 --> 00:31:00,108
>> HEY!

637
00:31:00,191 --> 00:31:02,068
>> THEY THINK THAT WE'RE WEIRD
IN THE FOREST.

638
00:31:02,151 --> 00:31:04,112
>> MY FRIEND IS FREAKING OUT--
>> COME JOIN US.

639
00:31:04,195 --> 00:31:05,780
>> WE WERE HERE BEFORE YOU.

640
00:31:05,863 --> 00:31:07,782
>> WE'LL GO AWAY SOON, IF YOU
WANT TO WAIT.

641
00:31:07,865 --> 00:31:11,119
>> COME ON!

642
00:31:11,202 --> 00:31:14,330
>> Stephen: DID YOU SHOOT THIS
IN ALABAMA?

643
00:31:14,414 --> 00:31:18,251
>> YEAH, IT'S SHOT IN FAIR HOPE,
ALABAMA.

644
00:31:18,334 --> 00:31:19,669
HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

645
00:31:19,752 --> 00:31:22,672
.>> Stephen: I'VE BEEN TO
MOBILE BAY BUT I DON'T THINK

646
00:31:22,755 --> 00:31:23,381
I'VE BEEN TO FAIR HOPE.

647
00:31:23,464 --> 00:31:24,173
>> FAIR HOPE IS AN AMAZING TOWN.

648
00:31:24,257 --> 00:31:27,635
IT REMIND ME OF THE TOWN I LIVE
IN.

649
00:31:27,719 --> 00:31:31,097
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT MADE HE
REALIZE WHY I NEEDED TO START

650
00:31:31,180 --> 00:31:34,559
DOING THIS WALKING, BECAUSE I
WANT TO CONNECT IT TO WALKING.

651
00:31:34,642 --> 00:31:35,852
>> Stephen: ALL ROADS LEAD
BACK TO YOU WALKING.

652
00:31:35,935 --> 00:31:38,479
>> OF COURSE.

653
00:31:38,563 --> 00:31:42,609
I SAT DOWN IN FAIR HOPE,
ALABAMA.

654
00:31:42,692 --> 00:31:45,987
I LIKE TO GET WHERE I'M GOING TO
SHOOT A FEW WEEKS EARLY SO I'M

655
00:31:46,070 --> 00:31:47,655
RELAXED AND FEEL CALM.

656
00:31:47,739 --> 00:31:52,827
AND I SAT DOWN AND THE WAITRESS
CAME UP AND SAID, "OH, JASON

657
00:31:52,910 --> 00:31:53,161
SEGEL.

658
00:31:53,244 --> 00:31:53,828
I KNOW YOU.

659
00:31:53,911 --> 00:31:55,622
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN TOWN?

660
00:31:55,705 --> 00:31:59,167
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN FAIR HOPE,
ALABAMA?"

661
00:31:59,250 --> 00:32:01,336
AND I SAID,"I'M DOING A MOVIE
WITH DAKOTA JOHNSON."

662
00:32:01,419 --> 00:32:04,464
AND SHE SAID, "OH, MY GOSH, HOW
MUCH WEIGHT DO YOU HAVE TO

663
00:32:04,547 --> 00:32:09,969
LOSE?"
( LAUGHTER )

664
00:32:10,053 --> 00:32:13,473
>> Stephen: IS THIS BEFORE OR
AFTER YOU SAID TO YOURSELF, "I'M

665
00:32:13,556 --> 00:32:16,476
GOING TO GET HEALTHIER "?

666
00:32:16,559 --> 00:32:23,358
>> THIS IS ABOUT-- I'M GOING TO
SAY 20 SECONDS BEFORE I

667
00:32:23,441 --> 00:32:24,192
DECIDED...

668
00:32:24,275 --> 00:32:25,652
( LAUGHTER )
I'M GOING --

669
00:32:25,735 --> 00:32:28,988
>> Stephen: DID SHE THINK
MAYBE IT WAS ONE OF THOSE "50

670
00:32:29,072 --> 00:32:30,657
SHADES" SITUATIONS?

671
00:32:30,740 --> 00:32:32,033
>> I THINK SHE MUST HAVE.

672
00:32:32,116 --> 00:32:34,535
I THINK SHE MUST HAVE BECAUSE I
THINK AMERICA'S BEEN DEMANDING

673
00:32:34,619 --> 00:32:38,665
THAT I DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT,
YOU KNOW, LIKE THE REAL SEXY

674
00:32:38,748 --> 00:32:40,541
KIND OF MOVIE.

675
00:32:40,625 --> 00:32:43,670
SO SHE ASSUMED THIS MUST BE
HAPPENING.

676
00:32:43,753 --> 00:32:45,672
>> Stephen: THERE'S ONE OTHER
SORT OF CONFESSIONAL THING I

677
00:32:45,755 --> 00:32:51,886
WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT, AND THAT
IS ABOUT THE "DRACULA" MUSICAL

678
00:32:51,969 --> 00:32:53,262
THAT YOU WROTE.

679
00:32:53,346 --> 00:32:57,725
BECAUSE IN "FORGETTING SARAH
MARSHALL," YOU PERFORMED PART OF

680
00:32:57,809 --> 00:32:59,227
THIS.

681
00:32:59,310 --> 00:33:04,524
AND WHAT I DID NOT KNOW WAS THAT
THERE'S AN-- YOU WROTE AN ACTUAL

682
00:33:04,607 --> 00:33:05,400
MUSICAL ABOUT DRACULA.

683
00:33:05,483 --> 00:33:06,859
>> YEAH.

684
00:33:06,943 --> 00:33:10,530
>> Stephen: AND WHEN
TO HEAR YOUR "DRACULA" MUSICAL?

685
00:33:10,613 --> 00:33:12,740
>> YOU KNOW, I'VE STARTED
THINKING ABOUT MAYBE TRYING TO

686
00:33:12,824 --> 00:33:13,700
DO THE WHOLE THING.

687
00:33:13,783 --> 00:33:15,743
I HAVE AN IDEA FOR HOW TO DO IT.

688
00:33:15,827 --> 00:33:19,455
BUT, YEAH, AT THE TIME, I THINK
I WAS 23 YEARS OLD, AND I HAD

689
00:33:19,539 --> 00:33:24,210
DONE-- I HAD DONE "FREAKS AND
GEEKS," AND THEN I HAD A BIG

690
00:33:24,293 --> 00:33:25,878
OUT-OF-WORK PERIOD.

691
00:33:25,962 --> 00:33:29,465
BECAUSE I'VE ALWAYS BEEN 6'4"
SINCE I WAS, LIKE, 13 YEARS OLD.

692
00:33:29,549 --> 00:33:33,261
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I WAS TOOۇ
TALL TO PLAY A KID, AND I WAS

693
00:33:33,344 --> 00:33:37,598
TOO YOUNG AND WEIRD TO PLAY,
LIKE, A DOCTOR.

694
00:33:37,682 --> 00:33:40,101
AND SO I WAS JUST OUT OF WORK.

695
00:33:40,184 --> 00:33:43,980
AND I THOUGHT, I KNOW HOW I'M
GOING TO JONES START MY CAREER.

696
00:33:44,063 --> 00:33:49,068
I'M GOING TO WRITE A LAVISH
DRACULA PUPPET MUSICAL AND SHOW

697
00:33:49,152 --> 00:33:51,112
EVERYONE.

698
00:33:51,195 --> 00:33:54,115
SO ALONE IN THIS, LIKE,
ONE-BEDROOM, LIKE, STUDIO

699
00:33:54,198 --> 00:33:58,286
APARTMENT, I COMPOSED A DRACULA
MUSICAL.

700
00:33:58,369 --> 00:34:00,455
I HAD PUPPET AND EVERYTHING AND
I RECORDED IT.

701
00:34:00,538 --> 00:34:05,626
AND THEN I TRIUMPHANTLY BURNED
IT ON TO A CD-- THAT'S WHAT YOU

702
00:34:05,710 --> 00:34:06,753
USED TO DO IN THOSE DAYS.

703
00:34:06,836 --> 00:34:08,087
>> Stephen: I REMEMBER THAT.

704
00:34:08,171 --> 00:34:12,508
>> I CALLED JUDD APTO YOU, WHO
HAD MADE "FREAKS AND GEEKS," AND

705
00:34:12,592 --> 00:34:16,971
I SAID, "JUDD, I HAVE SOMETHING
I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO

706
00:34:17,054 --> 00:34:18,139
HEAR"
I CAME TO HIS HOUSE AND PUT IT

707
00:34:18,222 --> 00:34:20,308
ON THE STEREO.

708
00:34:20,391 --> 00:34:23,478
AND HE LISTENED TO IT
RESPECTFULLY AND NODDED HIS HEAD

709
00:34:23,561 --> 00:34:27,523
AND IT STOPPED AND HE LOOKED AT
ME AND HE SAID, "YOU CAN'T PLAY

710
00:34:27,607 --> 00:34:30,485
THIS FOR ANYBODY EVER."

711
00:34:30,568 --> 00:34:36,824
( LAUGHTER )
AND THEN-- AND THEN, LIKE, THREE

712
00:34:36,908 --> 00:34:40,286
YEARS LATER, WE ENDED
"FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL" WITH

713
00:34:40,369 --> 00:34:42,288
IT.

714
00:34:42,371 --> 00:34:43,498
>> Stephen: JASON, ALWAYS GOOD
TO TALK TO YOU.

715
00:34:43,581 --> 00:34:45,291
I KNOW YOU'VE GOT TO GO FOR A
WALK.

716
00:34:45,374 --> 00:34:48,669
( LAUGHTER )
SO I'M GOING TO LET YOU GO.

717
00:34:48,753 --> 00:34:52,340
>> I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE BEING
SARCASTIC, BUT I WOULD LOVE TO

718
00:34:52,423 --> 00:34:53,674
GO ON A WALK WITH YOU.

719
00:34:53,758 --> 00:34:56,886
>> Stephen: I WOULD LOVE TO GO
ON A WALK WITH YOU, TOO.

720
00:34:56,969 --> 00:35:00,973
YOU'RE IN-- YOU'RE IN-- YOU'RE
ON THE ORCHASHED RIGHT NOW.

721
00:35:01,057 --> 00:35:05,311
>> NO, I'M IN MY LIBRARY.

722
00:35:05,394 --> 00:35:10,107
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: "OUR FRIEND" IS

723
00:35:10,191 --> 00:35:11,692
JASON SEGEL.

724
00:35:11,776 --> 00:35:12,693
AND THE MOVIE "OUR FRIEND" IS
AVAILABLE IN THEATERS AND ON

725
00:35:12,777 --> 00:35:13,528
DEMAND FRIDAY.

726
00:35:13,611 --> 00:35:15,321
JASON, THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE.

727
00:35:15,404 --> 00:35:16,531
STAY SAFE.

728
00:35:16,614 --> 00:35:19,450
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A
PERFORMANCE BY BLACK PUMAS.

729
00:35:28,626 --> 00:35:34,215
♪ ♪

730
00:35:44,350 --> 00:35:46,561
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.

731
00:35:46,644 --> 00:35:48,396
PERFORMING THEIR GRAMMY
NOMINATED RECORD OF THE YEAR,

732
00:35:48,479 --> 00:35:50,231
"COLORS," FROM THEIR GRAMMY
NOMINATED SELF-TITLED ALBUM,

733
00:35:50,314 --> 00:35:52,984
BLACK PUMAS.

734
00:35:53,067 --> 00:36:04,912
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪

735
00:36:04,996 --> 00:36:10,960
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪

736
00:36:11,043 --> 00:36:15,298
♪ I WOKE UP TO THE MORNING
SKY FIRST

737
00:36:15,381 --> 00:36:23,139
♪ BABY BLUE
JUST LIKE WE REHEARSED

738
00:36:23,222 --> 00:36:27,810
♪ WHEN I GET UP OFF THIS GROUND
I SHAKE LEAVES BACK DOWN

739
00:36:27,894 --> 00:36:32,231
♪ TO THE BROWN, BROWN
BROWN, BROWN

740
00:36:32,315 --> 00:36:40,615
♪ 'TIL I'M CLEAN
THEN I WALK WHERE I'D BE

741
00:36:40,698 --> 00:36:44,744
♪ SHADED BY THE TREES
BY A MEADOW OF GREEN

742
00:36:44,827 --> 00:36:48,205
♪ FOR ABOUT A MILE
I'M HEADED TO TOWN, TOWN

743
00:36:48,289 --> 00:36:59,592
♪ TOWN, IN STYLE
WITH ALL MY FAVORITE COLORS

744
00:36:59,675 --> 00:37:04,764
♪ YES, SIR
ALL MY FAVORITE COLORS

745
00:37:04,847 --> 00:37:08,309
♪ RIGHT ON
MY SISTERS AND MY BROTHERS

746
00:37:08,392 --> 00:37:16,776
♪ SEE 'EM LIKE NO OTHER
ALL MY FAVORITE COLORS

747
00:37:16,859 --> 00:37:20,321
♪ IT'S A GOOD DAY TO BE
A GOOD DAY FOR ME

748
00:37:20,404 --> 00:37:24,659
♪ A GOOD DAY TO SEE
MY FAVORITE

749
00:37:24,742 --> 00:37:28,663
♪ COLORS, COLORS
MY SISTERS AND MY BROTHERS

750
00:37:28,746 --> 00:37:38,297
♪ THEY SEE 'EM LIKE NO OTHER
ALL MY FAVORITE COLORS

751
00:37:38,381 --> 00:37:48,849
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪

752
00:37:48,933 --> 00:37:49,976
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪

753
00:37:50,059 --> 00:37:59,819
♪ NOW TAKE ME TO OTHER SIDE
♪ NOW TAKE ME TO OTHER SIDE

754
00:37:59,902 --> 00:38:04,407
♪ NOW TAKE ME TO OTHER SIDE
♪ NOW TAKE ME TO OTHER SIDE

755
00:38:04,490 --> 00:38:08,911
LITTLE BITTY BLUES
♪ BIRD FLIES

756
00:38:08,995 --> 00:38:12,498
AND GRAY CLOUDS
♪ OR WHITE WALLS

757
00:38:12,581 --> 00:38:14,375
OR BLUE SKIES
♪ WE GON' FLY

758
00:38:14,458 --> 00:38:20,339
FEEL ALRIGHT
♪ AND WE GON'

759
00:38:20,423 --> 00:38:21,132
FEEL ALRIGHT
♪ AND IF WE FEEL ALL RIGHT

760
00:38:21,215 --> 00:38:23,050
HELP ME FEEL ALL RIGHT
♪ AND WE GON'

761
00:38:23,134 --> 00:38:24,719
OOH-OOH, OOH-OOH, OOH-OOH
♪ OOH, YEAH

762
00:38:24,802 --> 00:38:26,971
IT SOUND LIKE
♪ OOH-OOH, OOH-OOH, OOH-OOH

763
00:38:27,054 --> 00:38:31,392
OOH, YEAH
♪ THE LEAST I CAN SAY

764
00:38:31,475 --> 00:38:34,562
I ANTICIPATE
♪ A HOMECOMING PARADE

765
00:38:34,645 --> 00:38:36,689
AS WE RENEGADE
♪ IN THE MORNING

766
00:38:36,772 --> 00:38:37,398
SWEET
MORNING

767
00:38:37,481 --> 00:38:42,778
GOOD MORNING.

768
00:38:42,862 --> 00:38:47,366
♪ WITH ALL MY FAVORITE COLORS
♪ ALL MY FAVORITE COLORS

769
00:38:47,450 --> 00:38:53,372
RIGHT ON
♪ MY SISTERS AND MY BROTHERS

770
00:38:53,456 --> 00:39:01,714
SEE 'EM LIKE NO OTHER
♪ ALL MY FAVORITE COLORS

771
00:39:01,797 --> 00:39:02,798
♪ A GOOD DAY FOR ME
A GOOD DAY FOR ME

772
00:39:02,882 --> 00:39:11,307
♪ A GOOD DAY TO SEE MY FAVORITE
COLORS,

773
00:39:11,390 --> 00:39:12,475
♪ ALL MY FAVORITE COLORS
♪ MY SISTERS AND MY BROTHERS

774
00:39:12,558 --> 00:39:23,360
SEE 'EM LIKE NO OTHER
ALL MY FAVORITE COLORS ♪

775
00:39:23,444 --> 00:39:31,160
SEE 'EM LIKE NO OTHER
ALL MY FAVORITE COLORS ♪

776
00:39:31,243 --> 00:39:39,460
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: BLACK PUMAS,

777
00:39:39,543 --> 00:39:41,670
EVERYBODY.

778
00:39:41,754 --> 00:39:41,796
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

779
00:39:46,050 --> 00:39:47,635
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "A
LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.

780
00:39:47,718 --> 00:39:52,807
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN WE WILL BE
DOING A LIVE "LATE SHOW"

781
00:39:52,890 --> 00:39:55,643
FOLLOWING THE INAUGURATION
OF PRESIDENT-ELECT JOSEPH R.

782
00:39:55,726 --> 00:39:57,103
BIDEN AND VICE PRESIDENT-ELECT
KAMALA HARRIS.

783
00:39:57,186 --> 00:39:59,480
AND I WON'T HAVE TO SAY "ELECT"
TOMORROW.

784
00:39:59,563 --> 00:40:01,941
AND MY GUESTS WILL BE THE FOLKS
FROM "POD SAVE AMERICA."

785
00:40:02,024 --> 00:40:03,317
JAES CORDEN IS NEXT.

786
00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:06,570
GOOD NIGHT.

787
00:40:08,239 --> 00:40:08,614
Captioning sponsored by CBS
Captioned by

788
00:40:09,865 --> 00:40:11,450
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org

789
00:40:11,534 --> 00:40:11,826
>> Stephen: OH, NICE COLOR ON
THAT BOOKSHELF.

790
00:40:11,909 --> 00:40:12,868
REALLY NICE.

791
00:40:12,952 --> 00:40:14,161
>> THANKS.

792
00:40:14,245 --> 00:40:15,329
>> Stephen: THAT'S KIND OF
LIKE A MOSSY GREEN?

793
00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:16,163
WHAT IS THAT?

794
00:40:16,247 --> 00:40:18,999
>> YEAH, THAT'S THE COLOR OF
MOSSY GREEN.

795
00:40:19,083 --> 00:40:20,084
YEAH, I WANTED IT TOOK NICE FOR
YOU.

796
00:40:20,167 --> 00:40:20,668
>> Stephen: THAT IS NICE.

797
00:40:20,751 --> 00:40:21,544
ARE THOSE YOUR BOOKS?

798
00:40:21,627 --> 00:40:26,006
>> WELL, I MEAN, I BOUGHT THEM
BY THE INCH.

799
00:40:26,090 --> 00:40:32,221
( LAUGHTER )