>> JOE BIDEN AND KAMALA HARRIS WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU'VE GOT THE
BEST HITS FOR YOUR INAUGURATION WATCH PARTY.
THE PRESIDENT INAUGURAL COMMITTEE SHARED A 46-SONG PLAY
LIST-- 46 IN HONOR OF THE 46th PRESIDENT, OF COURSE.
>> ARE YOU READY TO RING IN A NEW ADMINISTRATION THIS
WEDNESDAY?
THEN YOU'LL NEED "JOE BIDEN AND KAMALA HARRIS' INAUGURAL
PLAYLIST, A WELL-ROUNDED MIX OF CLASSIC HITS, AND IN NO WAY A
CRYPTIC JAB AT THE OUTGOING ADMINISTRATION.
YOU'LL GET: >> IT'S THE SOUNDTRACK TO THE
CONSTITUTIONAL TRANSITION OF POWER, AND DEFINITELY NOT A
THINLY-VEILED PUT-DOWN OF THE SOON-TO-BE-EX-EXPRESIDENT, WITH
HITS LIKE: >> SERIOUSLY, DON'T READ
ANYTHING INTO THE TITLES.
JUST ENJOY THE SOOTHING MELODIES OF:
>> THESE SONGS WERE SELECTED ON THEIR MUSICAL MERITS, NOT
BECAUSE WHEN READ SEQUENTIALLY, THEY TAUNT THE MAN WHO TRIED TO
DESTROY OUR DEMOCRACY.
>> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: DON-BOYAGE.
PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES JASON SEGEL
AND MUSICAL GUA, BLACK PUMAS FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE oN TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE
BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: OH, HELLO, EVERYBODY.
AND WELCOME TO A VERY SPECIAL "A LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT'S THE DAY BEFORE THE DAY WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR,
BECAUSE TONIGHT IS THE LAST SHOW WE'LL DO DURING THE PRESIDENCY
OF HE WHO SHALL REMAIN SHAMELESS.
NOW, WE COULD TELL IMMEDIATELY THAT ENDURING THIS
ADMINISTRATION WAS GOING TO BE A CHALLENGE.
THIS IS WHAT I SAID IN MY FIRST MONOLOGUE AFTER HIS ELECTION:
FOUR YEARS?
WE HAVE FOUR VERY INTERESTING YEARS IN FRONT OF US.
I MIGHT HAVE UNDERSOLD THAT JUST A SMIDGE.
IT HAS BEEN INTERESTING, IN THE SAME WAY RIDING IN A CAR GOING
OVER A CLIFF IS THOUGHT-PROVOKING.
BUT TOMORROW, LIKE A MIRACLE, HE WILL DISAPPEAR.
SOME OF THE HIGHLIGHTS OF HIS LOWLIGHTS INCLUDE STARTING HIS
PRESIDENCY BY DECRYING AMERICAN CARNAGE.
HIS MUSLIM TRAVEL BAN.
VERY FINE PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES.
BONDING WITH PUTIN IN HELSINKI.
BONDING WITH KIM JONG-UN IN SINGAPORE.
BONDING WITH THE MY PILLOW GUY EVERYWHERE ELSE.
WANTING TO TRADE PUERTO RICO FOR GREENLAND.
TALKING ABOUT NUKING HURRICANES OR CHANGING THEIR PATH WITH A
SHARPIE.
CALLING THE 26 WOMEN ACCUSING HIM OF SEXUAL ASSAULT LIARS.
WISHING AN ACCUSED SEX TRAFFICKER WELL.
CAGING ASYLUM-SEEKING CHILDREN THAT HE TORE FROM THEIR PARENTS.
GETTING IMPEACHED FOR TRYING TO BLACKMAIL UKRAINE TO INTERFERE
IN OUR ELECTION.
COMPLETELY SHANKING A PANDEMIC.
TEAR-GASSING PEACEFUL PROTESTERS.
HOLDING A BIBLE DUMB.
UNDERMINING FAITH IN OUR DEMOCRACY.
INCITING AN ANGRY MOB TO MURDER HIS OWN VICE PRESIDENT.
AND RUINING "Y.M.C.A."
♪ ♪ ♪ WE DIDN'T EVEN TRY HARD FOR THAT
LIST.
WE WERE JUST LIKE, IT'S ONLY AN HOUR SHOW.
BUT THE WEIRDEST THING OF THE LAST FOUR YEARS-- IT WAS YEAR
ONE, RIGHT-- WAS WHEN HE WAS AT THE NATIONAL
BOY SCOUT JAMBOREE AND TOLD A STORY ABOUT A RICH GUY HE KNEW
WHO HAD A YACHT, AND SOMETHING ABOUT SOMETHING THAT SOUNDED
LIKE A SEX PARTY ON A BOAT.
IT REALLY SUMMED UP THIS LAST FOUR YEARS: YOU DIDN'T KNOW
EXACTLY KNOW WHERE HE WAS GOING OR WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT BUT
IT MADE YOU REALLY FEEL DIRTY AND YOU YOU KNEW IT WAS BAD FOR
CHILDREN.
I WOULD BE LYING JUST LIKE HE DOES, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE
"WASHINGTON POST" PINOCCHIO LIE TRACKER, SINCE ASSUMING OFFICE,
THE PRESIDENT HAS MADE 30,534 FALSE OR MISLEADING STATEMENTS.
IN THE END, PINOCCHIO THREW HIMSELF INTO A WOODCHIPPER.
>> I'M FREE!
>> Stephen: IN THE END, THE TAKEAWAY FROM THIS PRESIDENCY
IS TAKE HIM AWAY.
WE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW" HAVE BEEN COUNTING DOWN TO THIS DAY
FOR FOUR LONG YEARS.
LITERALLY COUNTING.
YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED WHEN WE WERE IN THE THEATER THERE WAS A
NUMBER IN THE BACK OF THE DOME.
THAT WAS THE NUMBER OF DAYS UNTIL THE END OF THE PRESIDENT'S
TERM.
AND WE COUNTED IT DOWN EVERY NIGHT FOR FOUR LONG PAINFUL
YEARS.
AND TONIGHT, THE NUMBER ON THE DOME HAS COUNTED DOWN TO ONE.
♪ HIT THE ROAD, JACK AND DON'T YOU COME BACK
♪ NO MORE, NO MORE NO MORE, NO MORE ♪
♪ HIT THE ROAD, JACK AND DON'T YOU COME BACK
♪ WHAT YOU SAY ♪ HIT THE ROAD, JACK
AND DON'T YOU COME BACK >> Stephen: HIT THE ROAD,
JACK.
COME ON JACK.
THERE'S A ROAD, HIT IT.
( LAUGHTER ) THROUGHOUT ALL THE CRAZINESS AND
THREATS TO EVERYTHING WE HOLD SACRED, THERE WAS ONE HERO WHO
KEPT OUR COUNTRY TOGETHER: AND THAT'S YOU, THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE.
FOR ALL HIS DANGEROUS ASSAULTS ON DEMOCRACY, DEMOCRACY KICKED
HIS ASS ALL THE WAY BACK TO FLORIDA.
AND IN THIS CASE, I, FOR ONE, WILL NEVER BE SICK OF WINNING.
SO, YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF YOURSELVES.
COUNT YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS THIS YEAR STOPPING HOMEGROWN AMERICAN
FASCISM AND HITTING 10,000 STEPS JUST WALKING BETWEEN YOUR FRIDGE
AND YOUR COUCH.█ç YOU, YOU, THE AMERICAN PEOPLE,
YOU HELD YOUR GROUND.
YOU NEVER WARMED UP TO THE GUY.
EVEN WHEN HE WON, HE LOST THE POPULAR VOTE.
AND ACCORDING TO GALLUP, HIS AVERAGE APPROVAL RATING WAS 41%,
"FOUR POINTS LOWER THAN ANY OTHER PRESIDENT."
HE'S SO UNPOPULAR, THIS IS HOW HE'LL BE REMEMBERED IN THE HALL
OF PRESIDENTS: >> WHAT A SCHMUCK I WAS.
WHAT A SCHMUCK.Ñi ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: NOW, IF IT SOUNDS LIKE I'M MAKING A BIG DEAL
ABOUT HIM LEAVING, IT'S NOT NEARLY AS BIG A DEAL AS HE WANTS
TO MAKE ABOUT IT.
THE PRESIDENT WANTS A BIG MILITARY SEND-OFF AT ANDREWS AIR
FORCE BASE, WITH A RED CARPET AND A 21-GUN SALUTE.
AND THIS TIME, THE GUNS AREN'T AIMED AT MIKE PENCE.
BUT IT'S BEEN A CHALLENGE GETTING A BIG ENOUGH CROWD TO
SATISFY THE PRESIDENT, IN PART BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO THE
INVITATION, "ALL GUESTS MUST ARRIVE BETWEEN 6:00 A.M. AND
7:15 A.M."
A PARTY AT 6:00 A.M.?
AWESOME!
FOR THE LEAST-POPULAR MAN ON EARTH?
SWEET!
HEY, TELL YOU WHAT, THROW IN A KARAOKE MACHINE THAT ONLY PLAYS
"ICE ICE BABY," AND I AM IN!
NOW, REPORTEDLY, THE WHITE HOUSE IS SO DESPERATE TO HAVE PEOPLE
ATTEND THIS PITY PARTY, THAT IT INVITED ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI TO
THE EVENT.
SCARAMUCCI?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THE MOOCH IS CLEARLY A SEASON-ONE CHARACTER.
THAT'S LIKE IF THE "HAPPY DAYS" REUNION WAS KICKED OFF BY
RICHIE'S BROTHER.
THAT'S RIGHT.
RICHIE HAD AN OLDER BROTHER WHO WHO PLAYED BASKETBALL, WAS VERY
TALL, AND DISAPPEARED WITH NO SCPLAWNGZ.
I WOULD CHECK POTSIE'S CRAWL SPACE.
THE EMAIL INVITE ALSO TOLD GUESTS THEY CAN BRING AS MANY AS
FIVE PLUS-ONES TO TRUMP'S ELABORATE EXIT CEREMONY.
MAN, THAT IS THIRSTY.
"HEY, UH, PLEASE COME TO MY IMPROV SHOW.
I'LL GET YOU TWO-FOR-ONE COUPONS THAT'S GOOD FOR FIVE
PEOPLE.
AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE PEOPLE.
THEY CAN BE CARDBOARD CUTOUTS, OR MANNEQUINS, OR DOGS, OR
BROOMS WITH GOOGLY EYES.
PLEASE, MY PARENTS ARE COMING!" NOW, AFTER THE PRESIDENT LEAVES,
THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO HOSE OUT 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE,
AN UNDERTAKING CARRIED OUT BY THE 90-PERSON WHITE HOUSE
RESIDENCE STAFF IN ABOUT FIVE HOURS.
COME ON, THAT'S A BIG HOUSE, AND THEY ONLY HAVE FIVE HOURS TO
CLEAN IT?
THAT'S INSANE.
IT'S GOING TO TAKE AT LEAST AN HOUR TO PULL ERIC'S HEAD OUT OF
THE BANISTER.
( AS ERIC ) "HELP, HELP, I'M IN HEAD-JAIL!
TELL DAD TO PARDON MY HEAD!" SOME NIGHTS I HAVE TOO MUCH
SALIVA FOR ERIC.
"IT WON'T STAY UP!
I'M NOT GOING TO MISS HIM!" WITH EVERY DAY THAT PASSES...
( LAUGHTER ) WE LEARN MORE ABOUT THE MAGA
MILITIA THAT ATTACKED THE CAPITOL.
BUT NOW WE'RE ALSO LEARNING ABOUT THEIR ARRESTS.
SO, IT'S TIME FOR MY HOPEFULLY 10,000-PART SEGMENT,
"SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP ROUND-UP."
SEEMS LIKE THE COW IS IN ON IT.
SEEMS LIKE THE COW IS INTO IT.
THAT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR TO THE COW.
FIRST UP IN THE LASSO OF JUSTICE IS LOCAL TRAITOR AND WOMAN
REALIZING SHE SHOULD TOUCH UP THOSE ROOTS TO LOOK HER BEST IN
JAIL, JENNA RYAN.
WHEN SHE'S NOT BREAKING INTO THE CAPITOL, RYAN IS A REAL ESTATE
BROKER FROM FRISCO, TEXAS.
AH, THAT EXPLAINS WHY THE RIOT SMELLED LIKE FRESH-BAKED
COOKIES.
MAKES IT SEEM HOMEY.
THE FEDS DIDN'T HAVE TO DIG TOO DEEP TO FIND OUT WHO SHE WAS,
BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT SHE LVE-STREAMED DURING THE ATTACK:
>> HERE WE GO.
Y'ALL KNOW WHO TO HIRE FOR YOUR REALTOR.
JENNA RYAN, YOUR REALTOR.
>> Stephen: KIND OF A WEIRD PLACE TO PROMOTE YOUR BUSINESS.
YOU NEVER HEARD A CONFEDERATE GENERAL SHOUTING:
( SOUTHERN ACCENT ) "THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN
AGAINST NORTHERN AGGRESSORS!
BUT WHAT SHAN'T RISE ARE MY SUPER-LOW PRICES ON HARDTACK AND
BUCKLES!
STONEWALL'S GENERAL STORE, WE VALIDATE HORSE PARKING!
CHARGE!" RYAN CONTINUED TO
SCREAM-VERTIZE.
>> YOU GUYS, CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?
I AM NOT MESSING AROUND.
WHEN I COME TO SELL YOUR HOUSE, THIS IS WHAT I WILL DO.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: WHAT?
BREAK WINDOWS AND TILL IT WITH WHITE SUPREMACISTS.
"AND YOU CAN TURN THIS INTO AN ACCENT WALL WITH JUST A CAN OF
PEPPER SPRAY.
I BROUGHT SOME COLOR SWATCHES!
OOH, I LIKE EYEBALL VOLCANO.
UHM, SINUS MELTDOWN!" NOW, WE CAN'T SOLELY BLAME THE
PRESIDENT FOR INCITING THIS STUPID, STUPID, WOMAN, BECAUSE,
APPARENTLY, SHE ALSO LISTENS TO OTHER SOURCES.
>> NOT JUST THE PRESIDENT.
THERE'S ALSO-- I FOLLOW EVERYTHING THAT RUDY GIULIANI
SAYS.
>> Stephen: FINDING OUT THE WOMAN IN CHARGE OF THE CONTRACTS
FOR YOUR HOME IS TAKING ADVICE FROM RUDY GIULIANI IS LIKE
FINDING OUT YOUR DENTIST IS TAKING ADVICE FROM RUDY
GIULIANI.█ç "ALL RIGHT, LET'S START WITH A
RED WINE RINSE, AND WHAT DO YOU SAY WE REPLACE YOUR LOWER ROW OF
TEETH WITH FEED CORN AND CIGARETTE BUTTS."
ELSEWHERE IN THE ROUND-UP ROUND-UP, AUTHORITIES HAVE
ARRESTED MARYLAND WHITE SUPREMACIST AND MAN WHO MADE THE
WRONG CHOICE BETWEEN MUSTACHE AND BEARD, BRYAN BETANCUR.
BASED ON A TIP, THE SUSPECT WAS IDENTIFIED IN A SOCIAL MEDIA
POST.█ç BUT IT ALSO HELPED THAT ON
JANUARY 6, HE WAS OUT ON PAROLE FOR A TOTALLY DIFFERENT CRIME
AND WEARING A G.P.S. ANKLE MONITOR THAT PLACED HIM AT THE
RIOT.
CLEARLY, NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED, WHICH IS TOO BAD,
BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE USED THAT TOOL TO CUT OFF THAT ANKLE
MONITOR.
THE FEDS HAVE ALSO ARRESTED TEXAS GUY, GUY REFFITT, WHO YOU
MIGHT REMEMBER FROM BEING PEPPER SPRAYED ON THE CAPITOL STEPS.
BUT HE STOOD HIS GROUND.
IT REMINDS ME OF PATRICK HENRY'S FAMOUS WORDS, "GIVE ME LIBERTY
OR-- AAARGH!
NOT IN THE EYES!
GAAAH!" REFFITT WAS TRACKED DOWN BY THE
F.B.I. AFTER FOOTAGE OF HIM WAS SEEN ONLINE.
AND IT'S A GOOD THING THE F.B.I.
TRACKED HIM DOWN, BECAUSE BEFORE HIS ARREST, HE WARNED HIS
CHILDREN, "IF YOU TURN ME IN, YOU'RE A TRAITOR.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO TRAITORS, TRAITORS GET SHOT."
SOMETIMES.
BUT SOMETIMES, THEY JUST GET PEPPER SPRAYED ON THE STEPS OF
THE CAPITOL.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
STAR OF "OUR FRIEND" JASON SEGEL IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
JOIN US, WON'T YOU.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
LET'S SAY HELLO TO OUR HAPPY FRIEND, MR. JON BATISTE.
JON, YOU LOOK VERY, VERY HAPPY RIGHT NOW.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
( SCATTING ) ♪ T IN THIS WORLD WITH A LOT OF
PROBLEMMED ♪ OH, MY GOODNESS, I'VE GOT A SONG
IN HIGH HEART RIGHT NOW.
I'VE GOT A SONG IN MY HEART.
>> Stephen: I WAS REALLY MOVED.
I WAS REALLY MOVED TO SEE THE BIDENS LAND AT ANDREWS.
LIKE, IT'S REAL, IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN, MAN YOU.
>> Jon: YOU KNOW IT'S HAPPENING BECAUSE WE PUT IN THE
WORK TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Jon: AND IF WE KEEP PUTTING IN THE WORK, IT WILL CONTINUE TO
GET BETTER.
AD THAT'S WHAT I'M BELIEVING.
I'M STANDING ON THAT.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT I APPRECIATE?
THE MEMORIAL CEREMONY THAT HE AND FUTURE FIRST LADY HELD TODAY
AT THE REFLECTING POOL AT THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL TODAY FOR THOSE
WHO WERE LOST TO COVID.
IT'S A SIMPLE, BEAUTIFUL GESTURE THAT IS THE FIRST STAGE OF THE
NATION HEALING.
>> Jon: EXACTLY.
TO SHOW ACKNOWLEDGMENT AND WRENCHANCE TOWARDS EVERYTHING
THAT'S HAPPENED AND NOT JUST SKIP OVER IT.
I THINK WE HAVE A LOT OF HEALING TO DO, BUT THAT'S THE MOST
IMPORTANT STEP AFTER WHAT WE HAD IN 2021.
>> Stephen: JON CAN YOU GIVE US A LITTLE MORE OF THAT HAPPY
FEEL AS WE GO ON ♪ IN THIS WORLD
WITH A LOT OF PROBLEMS ♪ ALL WE NEED IS A LITTLE LOVING
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, FOR YOUR LOVE, MR. COLBERT
OH, YEAH ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,
EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, JON.
( LAUGHING ) FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF
MY TIME WITH A SNIFTER OF FINE ARMAGNAC AT MY ELBOW, LAYING OUT
THE NEWSIEST, MOST COMPELLING PLOTS, CONSTRUCTING THE MOST
TOPICAL CHARACTERS, AND COMPOSING THE TIMELIEST LYRICAL
METAPHORS TO BRING YOU THE PULITZER-WORTHY MAGNUM OPUS OF A
NOVEL THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I LIKE TO POUND A RACK OF BOOTLEG FOUR
LOKO, DEFACE A BUNCH OF CUTOUTS FROM FASHIONS MAGS WITH A
SHARPIE AND SLAP 'EM TOGETHER WITH GLUE STICKS, THEN HIJACK MY
BROTHER-IN-LAW'S OFFICE PRINTER AND RUN DOWN THE TONER, CRANKING
OUT THE DERANGED, UNDERGROUND 'ZINE OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: >> QUARANTINE-WHILE.
>> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE, IF YOU'RE STILL NOT SURE WHAT TO DO
WITH YOUR LOVED ONE ON VALENTINES, THERE'S SOME GREAT
NEWS: "WHITE CASTLE IS TRANSFORMING
RESTAURANTS INTO DRIVE-INS FOR THE NIGHT," COMPLETE WITH
"CARHOP SERVICE."
THE WAY YOU CELEBRATE VALENTINES SENDS A MESSAGE.
AND WHITE CASTLE IS THE PERFECT WAY TO SAY, "OUR LOVE IS
GRATIFYING IN THE SHORT TERM, BUT I WILL LOSE INTEREST AS SOON
AS I AM NO LONGER HIGH."
IT'S A BIG NIGHT FOR THEM, AND ACCORDING TO A SPOKESPERSON,
"WHITE CASTLE WILL BECOME LOVE CASTLE," BECAUSE THE ONLY THING
THAT GETS YOU IN THE MOOD FASTER THAN A MEAL AT WHITE CASTLE IS
TO BE TRAPPED IN A CAR WITH SOMEONE WHO JUST HAD A MEAL AT
WHITE CASTLE.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "OSCAR MEYER IS SEEKING NEW DRIVERS FOR ITS
FAMOUS WEINERMOBILE."
THEY ARE LOOKING FOR RECENT COLLEGE GRADUATES TO TAKE ON THE
ONE-YEAR PAID JOB CRISSCROSSING THE COUNTRY IN THE ICONIC
27-FOOT-LONG HOT-DOG-SHAPED VEHICLE.
BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS "THANK YOU, MOM AND DAD, FOR WORKING YOUR
ENTIRE LIVES SO THAT I COULD GET A B.F.A. IN MUSICAL THEATRE,"
QUITE LIKE SPENDING A YEAR DRIVING A BEEF STICK LIMOUSINE.█
THE GIG PROMISES ALL SORTS OF ADVENTURE.
IN FACT, ONE OF LAST YEAR'S DRIVERS "EVEN PROPOSED TO HIS
GIRLFRIEND WHILE ON THE ROAD."
BUT IF PROPOSING IN THE WIENERMOBILE DOESN'T FEEL
ROMANTIC ENOUGH, YOU CAN ALWAYS TAKE HER TO THE DRIVE-THRU AT
WHITE CASTLE.
( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, UNLESS YOU
LIVE UNDER A ROCK, YOU ARE ALREADY ALARMINGLY AWARE OF
GWYNETH PATLROW'S GOOP CANDLE█ç THAT PROMISES TO SMELL LIKE HER
VAGINA.
BUT I'M THE WEIRDO IF I ENTER SOMEONE'S HOME AND ASK, "IS IS
ME, OR DOES IT SMELL LIKE GWYNETH PALTROW'S VAGINA IN
HERE?" ( LAUGHTER )
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS.
BUT YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO BUY THE CANDLE THAT SMELLS LIKE
GWYNETH PALTROW'S VAGINA BECAUSE "ONE OF HER VAGINA
CANDLES REPORTEDLY EXPLODED IN A U.K. WOMAN'S HOME."
A SHOCKING STORY THAT THREATENS THE ENTIRE VAGINA-SCENTED CANDLE
INDUSTRY.
ACCORDING TO THE HOMEOWNER, "THE CANDLE EXPLODED AND EMITTED HUGE
FLAMES, WITH BITS FLYING EVERYWHERE."
WHICH IS WHY SAFETY-MINDED CONSUMERS PREFER TO STICK WITH
YANKEE CANDLE'S AUTUMN LABIA.
( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, "NESTLE HAS
RECALLED 762,000 POUNDS OF HOT POCKETS BECAUSE THEY MAY HAVE
GLASS AND PLASTIC INSIDE."
OKAY, BUT THEY STILL HAVE CHEESE, RIGHT?
THE COMPANY IS WARNING CUSTOMERS THAT THE HOT POCKETS CONTAINING
GLASS AND PLASTIC ARE DANGEROUS, THOUGH STILL NOT AS DANGEROUS
AS EATING THEM STRAIGHT OUT OF THE MICROWAVE.
STILL, PRETTY SHOCKING, AND SOME SERIOUS COMPETITION FOR ORE
IDA'S GLASS AND PLASTIC-INOS.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, THIS IS THE KIND OF NEWS I'M HOPING TO SPEND
MORE TIME THINKING ABOUT IN 2021.
BECAUSE IN WAYLAND, MASSACHUSETTS, "LIBRARIANS ARE
MYSTIFIED BY POTATOES GATHERING ON THE LIBRARY'S FRONT LAWN."
I THINK THE WORD YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS "ACCUMULATING," OR
"GATHERING" IMPLIES THEY'RE RESPONDING TO SOME SORT OF
PRIMAL POTATO CALL TO ASSEMBLE FOR THE GREAT POTATO UPRISING.
"ARISE, FELLOW TUBERS!
NEVER AGAIN WILL THEY SPRINKLE US WITH CHIVES!"
"THE CREAM MAY BE SOUR BUT OUR REVENGE WILL BE SWEET!"
THE LIBRARIANS HAVE BEEN SHAKEN BY WHAT THEY REFER TO AS "RANDOM
POTATOES."
YES, RANDOM.
THESE POTATOES ARE NEITHER EXPECTED NOR ORDERLY!
THESE ARE TATERS OF CHAOS!
ACCORDING TO REPORTS, LIBRARY "DIRECTOR SANDY RAYMOND FOUND
THE FIRST TUBER MONDAY DURING A WALK AROUND THE LIBRARY GROUNDS.
SHE DISCOVERED THE SECOND WHILE GETTING HER STEPS IN TUESDAY."
THAT'S HOW VICIOUS THIS CRIME IS!
SHE'S TRYING GET HER STEPS IN, AND SOME SICKO IS TAUNTING HER
WITH CARBS!
AND YOU KNOW WE'RE ONLY HEARING ABOUT THIS BECAUSE OF THE SECOND
POTATO.
IF IT WAS ONE POTATO, THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA WOULD
COMPLETELY IGNORE IT.
BUT TWO POTATOES, THAT'S A CLEAR PATTERN OF POTERRORISM.
TO AID LAW ENFORCEMENT, THE PRESS HAS RELEASED THIS PHOTO OF
THE LIBRARY AND THE POTATO-VIOLATED LAWN WITH THE
HELPFUL CAPTION, "ARROWS INDICATE WHERE POTATOES ARE."
THAT'S RIGHT, "ARE"!
LEAVE THEM THERE.
DON'T TOUCH THE CRIME SCENE!
TAPE IT OFF.
FORENSICS ARE ON THE WAY OVER WITH SOUR CREAM AND BACON BITS!
THE LIBRARIANS ALSO STATED, "NONE OF US CAN IMAGINE HOW
THEY GOT THERE."
IT'S UNIMAGINABLE!
OH, YOU MIGHT BE SAYING, "UH, DROPPED BY WALKING OR
THROWN FROM A CAR ARE, LIKE, THE ONLY TWO OPTIONS, RIGHT?"
WELL, SNAP OUT OF IT!
IT CANNOT BE EXPLAINED.
DID YOU EVEN CONSIDER THAT IT COULD BE THE SASQUATCH?
YOU NEVER SEE A PHOTO OF BIGFOOT WITH A POTATO.
NO, WHY?
BECAUSE HE DROPPED HIS SPUDS AT THE LIBRARY!
AND, AGAIN, KEEP IN MIND, THIS STORY IS NOT OVER.
THERE'S MORE POTATO STORY COMING.
>> IN THE PATROL OF FULL DISCLOSURE I THINK I
BECAUSE IF YOU THINK THIS IS JUST SOME FUNNY, ISOLATED LITTLE
POTATO INCIDENT, YOU'RE SHOULD REVEAL
SHOULD REVEAL THAT "POTATO OCCURRENCES" WAS THE NAME OF MY
COLLEGE POETRY SLAM COLLECTIVE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STAR OF "OUR FRIEND," JASON SEGEL.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
YOU KNOW MY GUEST THIS EVENING FROM "FORGETTING SARAH
MARSHALL," "HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER," AND "DISPATCHES FROM
ELSEWHERE."
HIS NEW FILM IS CALLED "OUR FRIEND."
PLEASE WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW," HEY, JASON.
>> GOOD TO SEE YOU, MAN.
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU, TOO.
LAST TIME WE WERE TOGETHER WAS FEBRUARY, I THINK.
IT WAS RIGHT BEFORE EVERYTHING CAME TO A SCREECHING HALT.
WHEN WERE YOU WHEN EVERYTHING-- I HAVEN'T TALKED TO YOU SINCE
THEN.
WHEN WERE YOU WHEN BASICALLY EVERYBODY HAD TO LOCK DOWN?
>> YEAH, I-- I LIVE IN A LITTLE FARM TOWN, LIKE A COUPLE OF
HOURS NORTH OF LOS ANGELES, SO I WAS THERE.
AND I WAS THERE FOR MOST OF THE LOCKDOWN.
I LIVE ON A BIG ORANGE GROVE.
I THINK WE'VE TALKED ABOUT IT.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT IT.
>> YES, I KNOW-- I KNOW THAT THAT'S INTERESTING TO YOU.
IT IS TO ME, TOO.
>> Stephen: IT IS VERY INTERESTING TO ME.
>> BUT I LOVE IT.
SO, YEAH, I WAS THERE FOR MOST OF THE TIME.
I WOULD JUST WALK AROUND THE ORANGE GROVE, AND EVENTUALLY, I
JUST STARTED TO FEEL LIKE THE LAST MAN ON EARTH.
I MEAN, I'M SURE EVERYBODY FELT THAT WAY, BEING LOCKED UP.
>> Stephen: WERE YOU ALONE?
WERE YOU ALONE FOR THIS?
>> I WAS, YES.
>> Stephen: OH, WOW.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: JUST YOU AND THE ORANGES.
>> YEAH!
JUST ME AND THE ORANGES, AND MY BRAN, MAN.
IT WASN'T A GOOD LOOK.
( STEPHEN WHISTLES ).
>> Stephen: THE CHAMBER SOLITUDE UP HERE.
>> JUST TRYING TO SOLVE PROBLEMS THAT CAN'T BE SOLVED AND DON'T
EXIST, YOU KNOW.
BUT, YEAH, AND THEN I GOT REALLY, REALLY LUCKY.
THERE WAS THAT LULL IN THE MIDDLE WHERE WE THOUGHT MAYBE
THINGS WERE CALMING DOWN, AND I WENT AND I SHOT A MOVIE.
IN HUMBOLT COUNTY IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA, IN THE REDWOODS, SO
THAT WAS NICE TO BREAK UP.
IT WAS VERY, VERY BEAUTIFUL.
>> Stephen: HOW ARE YOU-- HOW ARE YOU-- A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE
TURNED TO EXERCISE TO KEEP THEIR BRAIN FROM SCRAMBLING.
I EVEN CONSIDERED IT FOR A WHILE.
HVE YOU-- HAVE YOU BEEN-- HAVE YOU BEEN KEEPING YOURSELF SANE?
>> I HAVE.
YOU KNOW WHAT, I DECIDED THAT I WAS GOING TO USE THIS PERIOD TO
START ADDRESSING THE THINGS IN MY LIFE THAT CAUSE ME A LOT OF
ANXIETY.
AND I HAVE BEEN-- I WAS GOING TO SAY OUT OF SHAPE.
I'VE BEEN FAT.
( LAUGHTER ) FOR A LONG TIME IN MY LIFE.
AND EVERY-- EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP, LIKE, "I WISH I WASN'T THIS
WAY.
SO I STARTED WALKING.
I STARTED WALKING-- HONESTLY, LIKE, 10 MILES A DAY FOR ALMOST
EVERY DAY DURING QUARANTINE.
>> Stephen: WOW.
>> AND IT'S BEEN REALLY, REALLY LOVELY.
>> Stephen: DO YOU ALWAYS GET IT IN?
LIKE-- >> OH, ALWAYS.
>> Stephen: RAIN OR SHANE?
RAIN OR SHINE?
AT HOME OR WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU WERE UP IN THE REDWOODS WERE YOU
OUT THERE WITH THE S SASS SWATCH IN THE REDWOODS.
>> SASCWAWCH IS THERE ACCORDING TO THEM.
>> Stephen: I WORKED FOR "THE DAILY SHOW" IN 1998.
I KNOW WHERE THE SASCWAWCH ARE.
>> SO THERE'S ONE THERE.
I ALSO-- I WOULD DRIVE MYSELF TO NATIONAL PARKS WHEN THEY WERE
STILL OPEN.
I TOOK MYSELF TO LASON VOLCANIC NATIONAL PARK BECAUSE I HAD A
FEW DAYS OFF.
>> Stephen: WHERE IS THAT?
I'M SORRY, WHERE IS THAT?
>> IT'S IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA.
IN THE MIDDLE-- IT'S GEOTHERMIC, THERE'S, LIKE, STEAM COMING UP.
I DECIDED I WAS GOING TO HAVE A "INTO THE WILD" KIND OF DAY.
I PACKED UP A BIG BACKPACK AND TOOK OFF ON A HIKE.
AND I MADE WHAT I WILL CALL A VERY BOY DECISION.
WHICH IS THAT I WALKED UNTIL I GOT TIRED BUT DID NOT FACTOR IN
THAT YOU THEN HAVE TO WALK BACK.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
LIKE, I DIDN'T THINK EVEN ONE STEP AHEAD.
AND I GOT SO TIRED, THAT AT ONE POINT, I WAS ALL ALONE AND I
KNEW WHAT I NEEDED TO DO, AND I SAT DOWN AND I JUST CRIED.
I'M NOT EMBARRASSED TO SAY I SAT ON A LOG AND CRIED AND CRIED.
IT WAS ABOUT OTHER STUFF -- >> Stephen: IS IT OKAY IF I'M
EMBARRASSED?
( LAUGHING ) >> YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WAS...
I WAS PROUD OF MYSELF FOR LETTING IT OUT.
AND I SAID TO MYSELF, "JASON, SOME DAY YOU'RE GOING TO COME
BACK HERE AND THIS WILL BE EASY."
>> Stephen: OH, OKAY.
>> SO THAT'S MY GOAL FOR NEXT YEAR.
>> Stephen: AND SPEAKING OF THIS YEAR-NEXT YEAR, HAPPY
BIRTHDAY WAS YESTERDAY, RIGHT?
HOW MANY YEARS HAVE WE BEEN ON THE PLANET?
>> I HAVE BEEN ON THE PLANET FOR 41 YEARS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOTHING, MAN.
THAT'S NOTHING.
>> THAT'S WHAT I KEEP HEARING.
THAT'S NICE.
BUT I HEAR IT FROM PEOPLE WHO-- I DON'T HEAR IT FROM KIDS.
>> Stephen: NO.
>> NO YOUNG KIDS SAY, "41 IS NOTHING."
>> Stephen: NO, NO, NO, NO.
BUT THEY DON'T KNOW.
>> WELL, I WILL TELL YOU THIS.
ON THIS MOVIE I JUST DID, THERE WERE COSTARS WHO, AS FAR AS I
COULD TELL, WERE ADULTS, BUT THEY ALL CALL ME "MR. SEGEL."
>> Stephen: OOOOH.
WERE ANY OF THESE YOUR LOVE INTERESTS IN THE MOVIE?
>> NO, NO, THANK GOD.
BUT THEY WOULD SAY THINGS LIKE, "YOU WERE A BIG PART OF MY
CHILDHOOD."
AND I DIDN'T LIKE IT.
I DIDN'T LIKE IT AT ALL.
>> Stephen: YEAH, I GET GUESTS WHO COME ON AND SAY, "I HAVE
LOVED YOU SINCE SIXTH GRADE."
>> OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> YEAH.
BUT, YOU KNOW, WHAT?
BEATS THE ALTERNATIVE, RIGHT?
WE'RE STILL KICKING.
>> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
HOW DID YOU CELEBRATE?
HOW DID YOU MAKE IT SPECIAL FOR JASON SEGEL?
>> THAT'S A NICE QUESTION.
I TOOK A BIG, LONG WALK.
THERE'S NOT MUCH YOU CAN DO.
I TOOK A BIG LONG WALK, AND I'VE BEEN EATING HEALTHY THIS YEAR.
THERE'S A FOOD TREND IN L.A.
CALLED THE MASHVILLE HOT CHICKEN SANDWICH.
>> Stephen: SURE, I'VE HAD ONE.
THEY'RE FAN TASH.
>> I HAD NIGH FIRST NASHVILLE HOT CHICKEN SANDWICH.
THAT'S ABOUT IT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT.
>> I MEAN, WHAT-- WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
THERE'S NOT MUCH ELSE TO DO.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW.
>> I'VE DONE EVERYTHING THERE IS TO DO.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BRESK, BUT WHEN WE RETURN,
JASON HAS ANOTHER STORY ABOUT GOING FOR A WALK.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WE'RE BACK WITH STAR OF "OUR FRIEND," JASON SEGEL.
YOUR NEW MOVIE "OUR FRIEND," STARS CASEY AFFLECK AND DAKOTA
JOHNSON.
IT'S BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
CAN█ç YOU-- CAN YOU TELL THE PEOPLE-- IT'S FASCINATING, IF
HEARTBREAKING STORY.
>> WELL, IT'S DEFINITELY HEARTBREAKING, AND I THINK
SOMEHOW MANAGES TO BE UPLIFTING AS WELL, WHICH IS WHY I WAS
INTERESTED IN DOING IT.
BUT MATTHEW TEAGUE, WROTE AN ARTICLE, WHICH THEY TURNED INTO
THIS MOVIE.
HIS WIFE WAS STRUCK WITH PANCREATIC CANCER WHICH IS A
DEVASTATING ILLNESS, AND AS THEY WERE, AS A HOUSEHOLD DEALING
WITH EVERYTHING THAT WAS GOING ON, THEY REALIZED THEY WERE
OVERWHELMED AND THEY BROUGHT IN THEIR BEST FRIEND, NAMED DANE,
WHO I PLAY, TO HELP THEM THROUGH THE PROCESS.
AND HE ENDED UP BASICALLY GIVING UP HIS LIFE AND LIVING WITH THEM
FOR SOMETHING LIKE TWO YEARS.
AND I GUESS WHAT WAS AMAZING TO ME IS THAT MATT TEAGUE WENT
THROUGH THE HARDEST THING YOU'RE EVER GOING TO GO THROUGH, AND
SOMEHOW CAME OUT OF THE PROCESS IN VIEWING THIS AS A STORY ABOUT
FRIENDSHIP.
AND THAT'S WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT.
IT'S HEARTBREAKING.
IT'S ALSO REALLY UPLIFTING.
AND IT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING TO BE A PART OF.
>> Stephen: AND I UNDERSTAND YOU PLAY THE FRIEND.
>> I PLAY THE FRIEND, YEAH, DANE.
>> Stephen: AND WE HAVE A CLIP HERE.
IT'S YOU AND CASEY.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
>> I DO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.
SO THERE IS A POINT IN THE REAL-LIFE STORY, IN THE MOVIE,
WHERE EVERYONE JUST BECOMES OVERWHELMED, AND PEOPLE START
BEING REALLY SHORT WITH EACH OTHER AND AT EACH OTHER'S
THROATS, AS YOU CAN IMAGINE.
AND CASEY, WHO PLAYS MATT TEAGUE, NEEDS A BREAK, AND SO I
HIKE A LOT IN THE MOVIE.
AND I TELL HIM TO COME WITH ME TO JUST GET A BREAK.
THAT'S FUNNY TO YOU THAT I HIKE A LOT IN THE MOVIE.
LISTEN -- >> Stephen: YOU HAVE TALKED A
LOT ABOUT WALKING IN THIS INTERVIEW.
YOU HAVE BEEN WALKING.
YOU SAID FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY, YOU WENT FOR A WALK.
AND IN THIS MOVIE, YOUR CHARACTER TRAIT IS "GUY WHO
HIKE."
>> LISTEN, WHEN THEY SAID, DO YOU WANT TO BE ON THE SHOW?"
I SAID I HAVE NO STORIES.
AND SHE SAID, "YOU MUST HAVE BEEN DOING SOMETHING."
AND I SAID, "I'VE BEEN WALKING."
AND SHE'S LIKE, "GREAT.
OH, GREAT.
THAT WILL FILL THE TIME!
TELL US ABOUT THE WALKING!" ( LAUGHTER )
HERE WE ARE.
>> Stephen: PEOPLE CAN RELATE TO IT.
IT'S RELATABLE.
MANY PEOPLE WALK.
NOT IN LOS ANGELES, BUT MANY PEOPLE WALK.
WELL, JIM.
( LAUGHTER ) >> IT'S WEIRD TO JUST SIT OVER
HERE AND WATCH.
WE HAVE TO TELL THEM THAT WE'RE HERE SO THEY KNOW SO THEY DON'T,
YOU KNOW, GO SKINNY-DIPPING OR SOMETHING.
JUST SAY SOMEONE'S OVER HERE SO THEY KNOW WE'RE HERE.
SAY SOMETHING.
TELL THEM-- >> I'M GOING TO!
I'M THINKING OF WHAT TO SAY-- >> JUST SAY, "THERE ARE PEOPLE
HERE."
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU SAY.
>> THERE ARE PEOPLE HERE.
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!
>> HEY!
>> THEY THINK THAT WE'RE WEIRD IN THE FOREST.
>> MY FRIEND IS FREAKING OUT-- >> COME JOIN US.
>> WE WERE HERE BEFORE YOU.
>> WE'LL GO AWAY SOON, IF YOU WANT TO WAIT.
>> COME ON!
>> Stephen: DID YOU SHOOT THIS IN ALABAMA?
>> YEAH, IT'S SHOT IN FAIR HOPE, ALABAMA.
HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
.>> Stephen: I'VE BEEN TO MOBILE BAY BUT I DON'T THINK
I'VE BEEN TO FAIR HOPE.
>> FAIR HOPE IS AN AMAZING TOWN.
IT REMIND ME OF THE TOWN I LIVE IN.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT MADE HE REALIZE WHY I NEEDED TO START
DOING THIS WALKING, BECAUSE I WANT TO CONNECT IT TO WALKING.
>> Stephen: ALL ROADS LEAD BACK TO YOU WALKING.
>> OF COURSE.
I SAT DOWN IN FAIR HOPE, ALABAMA.
I LIKE TO GET WHERE I'M GOING TO SHOOT A FEW WEEKS EARLY SO I'M
RELAXED AND FEEL CALM.
AND I SAT DOWN AND THE WAITRESS CAME UP AND SAID, "OH, JASON
SEGEL.
I KNOW YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN TOWN?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN FAIR HOPE, ALABAMA?"
AND I SAID,"I'M DOING A MOVIE WITH DAKOTA JOHNSON."
AND SHE SAID, "OH, MY GOSH, HOW MUCH WEIGHT DO YOU HAVE TO
LOSE?" ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: IS THIS BEFORE OR AFTER YOU SAID TO YOURSELF, "I'M
GOING TO GET HEALTHIER "?
>> THIS IS ABOUT-- I'M GOING TO SAY 20 SECONDS BEFORE I
DECIDED...
( LAUGHTER ) I'M GOING --
>> Stephen: DID SHE THINK MAYBE IT WAS ONE OF THOSE "50
SHADES" SITUATIONS?
>> I THINK SHE MUST HAVE.
I THINK SHE MUST HAVE BECAUSE I THINK AMERICA'S BEEN DEMANDING
THAT I DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW, LIKE THE REAL SEXY
KIND OF MOVIE.
SO SHE ASSUMED THIS MUST BE HAPPENING.
>> Stephen: THERE'S ONE OTHER SORT OF CONFESSIONAL THING I
WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT, AND THAT IS ABOUT THE "DRACULA" MUSICAL
THAT YOU WROTE.
BECAUSE IN "FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL," YOU PERFORMED PART OF
THIS.
AND WHAT I DID NOT KNOW WAS THAT THERE'S AN-- YOU WROTE AN ACTUAL
MUSICAL ABOUT DRACULA.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND WHEN TO HEAR YOUR "DRACULA" MUSICAL?
>> YOU KNOW, I'VE STARTED THINKING ABOUT MAYBE TRYING TO
DO THE WHOLE THING.
I HAVE AN IDEA FOR HOW TO DO IT.
BUT, YEAH, AT THE TIME, I THINK I WAS 23 YEARS OLD, AND I HAD
DONE-- I HAD DONE "FREAKS AND GEEKS," AND THEN I HAD A BIG
OUT-OF-WORK PERIOD.
BECAUSE I'VE ALWAYS BEEN 6'4" SINCE I WAS, LIKE, 13 YEARS OLD.
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I WAS TOO█ç TALL TO PLAY A KID, AND I WAS
TOO YOUNG AND WEIRD TO PLAY, LIKE, A DOCTOR.
AND SO I WAS JUST OUT OF WORK.
AND I THOUGHT, I KNOW HOW I'M GOING TO JONES START MY CAREER.
I'M GOING TO WRITE A LAVISH DRACULA PUPPET MUSICAL AND SHOW
EVERYONE.
SO ALONE IN THIS, LIKE, ONE-BEDROOM, LIKE, STUDIO
APARTMENT, I COMPOSED A DRACULA MUSICAL.
I HAD PUPPET AND EVERYTHING AND I RECORDED IT.
AND THEN I TRIUMPHANTLY BURNED IT ON TO A CD-- THAT'S WHAT YOU
USED TO DO IN THOSE DAYS.
>> Stephen: I REMEMBER THAT.
>> I CALLED JUDD APTO YOU, WHO HAD MADE "FREAKS AND GEEKS," AND
I SAID, "JUDD, I HAVE SOMETHING I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO
HEAR" I CAME TO HIS HOUSE AND PUT IT
ON THE STEREO.
AND HE LISTENED TO IT RESPECTFULLY AND NODDED HIS HEAD
AND IT STOPPED AND HE LOOKED AT ME AND HE SAID, "YOU CAN'T PLAY
THIS FOR ANYBODY EVER."
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN-- AND THEN, LIKE, THREE
YEARS LATER, WE ENDED "FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL" WITH
IT.
>> Stephen: JASON, ALWAYS GOOD TO TALK TO YOU.
I KNOW YOU'VE GOT TO GO FOR A WALK.
( LAUGHTER ) SO I'M GOING TO LET YOU GO.
>> I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE BEING SARCASTIC, BUT I WOULD LOVE TO
GO ON A WALK WITH YOU.
>> Stephen: I WOULD LOVE TO GO ON A WALK WITH YOU, TOO.
YOU'RE IN-- YOU'RE IN-- YOU'RE ON THE ORCHASHED RIGHT NOW.
>> NO, I'M IN MY LIBRARY.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: "OUR FRIEND" IS
JASON SEGEL.
AND THE MOVIE "OUR FRIEND" IS AVAILABLE IN THEATERS AND ON
DEMAND FRIDAY.
JASON, THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
STAY SAFE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY BLACK PUMAS.
♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.
PERFORMING THEIR GRAMMY NOMINATED RECORD OF THE YEAR,
"COLORS," FROM THEIR GRAMMY NOMINATED SELF-TITLED ALBUM,
BLACK PUMAS.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ I WOKE UP TO THE MORNING SKY FIRST
♪ BABY BLUE JUST LIKE WE REHEARSED
♪ WHEN I GET UP OFF THIS GROUND I SHAKE LEAVES BACK DOWN
♪ TO THE BROWN, BROWN BROWN, BROWN
♪ 'TIL I'M CLEAN THEN I WALK WHERE I'D BE
♪ SHADED BY THE TREES BY A MEADOW OF GREEN
♪ FOR ABOUT A MILE I'M HEADED TO TOWN, TOWN
♪ TOWN, IN STYLE WITH ALL MY FAVORITE COLORS
♪ YES, SIR ALL MY FAVORITE COLORS
♪ RIGHT ON MY SISTERS AND MY BROTHERS
♪ SEE 'EM LIKE NO OTHER ALL MY FAVORITE COLORS
♪ IT'S A GOOD DAY TO BE A GOOD DAY FOR ME
♪ A GOOD DAY TO SEE MY FAVORITE
♪ COLORS, COLORS MY SISTERS AND MY BROTHERS
♪ THEY SEE 'EM LIKE NO OTHER ALL MY FAVORITE COLORS
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ NOW TAKE ME TO OTHER SIDE ♪ NOW TAKE ME TO OTHER SIDE
LITTLE BITTY BLUES ♪ BIRD FLIES
AND GRAY CLOUDS ♪ OR WHITE WALLS
OR BLUE SKIES ♪ WE GON' FLY
FEEL ALRIGHT ♪ AND WE GON'
FEEL ALRIGHT ♪ AND IF WE FEEL ALL RIGHT
HELP ME FEEL ALL RIGHT ♪ AND WE GON'
OOH-OOH, OOH-OOH, OOH-OOH ♪ OOH, YEAH
IT SOUND LIKE ♪ OOH-OOH, OOH-OOH, OOH-OOH
OOH, YEAH ♪ THE LEAST I CAN SAY
I ANTICIPATE ♪ A HOMECOMING PARADE
AS WE RENEGADE ♪ IN THE MORNING
SWEET MORNING
GOOD MORNING.
♪ WITH ALL MY FAVORITE COLORS ♪ ALL MY FAVORITE COLORS
RIGHT ON ♪ MY SISTERS AND MY BROTHERS
SEE 'EM LIKE NO OTHER ♪ ALL MY FAVORITE COLORS
♪ A GOOD DAY FOR ME A GOOD DAY FOR ME
♪ A GOOD DAY TO SEE MY FAVORITE COLORS,
♪ ALL MY FAVORITE COLORS ♪ MY SISTERS AND MY BROTHERS
SEE 'EM LIKE NO OTHER ALL MY FAVORITE COLORS ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: BLACK PUMAS,
EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "A LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN WE WILL BE DOING A LIVE "LATE SHOW"
FOLLOWING THE INAUGURATION OF PRESIDENT-ELECT JOSEPH R.
BIDEN AND VICE PRESIDENT-ELECT KAMALA HARRIS.
AND I WON'T HAVE TO SAY "ELECT" TOMORROW.
AND MY GUESTS WILL BE THE FOLKS FROM "POD SAVE AMERICA."
JAES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.
Captioning sponsored by CBS Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
>> Stephen: OH, NICE COLOR ON THAT BOOKSHELF.
REALLY NICE.
>> THANKS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S KIND OF LIKE A MOSSY GREEN?
WHAT IS THAT?
>> YEAH, THAT'S THE COLOR OF MOSSY GREEN.
YEAH, I WANTED IT TOOK NICE FOR YOU.
>> Stephen: THAT IS NICE.
ARE THOSE YOUR BOOKS?
>> WELL, I MEAN, I BOUGHT THEM BY THE INCH.
( LAUGHTER )