>> AFTER RETURNING TO HIS HOME STATE, FORMER VICE PRESIDENT
MIKE PENCE AND HIS WIFE ARE REPORTEDLY HOMELESS.
ACCORDING TO REPORTS, THE PENCES HAVEN'T OWNED A HOME IN A
DECADE, SO THEY ARE NOW COUCH SUFFERING
( DOORBELL RINGS ) >> GOOD EVENING.
IT'S AN HONOR TO SPEAK TO YOU TONIGHT.
>> IT'S VICE PRESIDENT PENCE!
WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THIS NEIGHBORHOOD?
>> WE'RE GOING TO STAY WITH YOU.
>> SO JUST YOU?
>> IN ADDITION, MY WIFE AND KIDS.
>> ANYONE ELSE?
>> THE PERSON WHO SHAPED MY LIFE THE MOST IS ALSO WITH US
TONIGHT.
>> WHO'S THAT?
>> MY MOM.
>> OH, THAT'S QUITE A CREW.
WE-- WE JUST HAVE THE ONE COUCH.
>> I HUMBLY ACCEPT.
>> LET ME JUST ASK MY BETTER HALF.
JIM!
>> MOTHER, RUN.
>> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES
BILLY CRYSTAL AND REPRESENTATIVE JACKIE SPEIER
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE oN TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE
BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: OH, HEY, THERE, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
BRINGING YOU THE SHOW TONIGHT FROM THE DIAROMA, THAT WE'RE
SUBMITTING FOR OUR EIGHTH GRADE SCIENCE PROJECT.
I HOPE WE GOT A GOOD GRADE.
WHEN WE FINALLY GET OUT OF THIS PANDEMIC, THERE WILL BE SOME
PHRASES I NEVER REALLY WANT TO HEAR AGAIN.
LIKE "SOCIAL DISTANCING" OR "GRIM MILESTONE" OR "ZOOM HAPPY
HOUR."
IT'S EITHER ZOOM OR HAPPY.
PICK A SIDE.
BUT WE'RE STILL A LONG WAY FROM TUNNELING UP TO THE SUNSHINE,
BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THE GLOBAL TALLY OF CONFIRMED CORONAVIRUS
CASES PASSED 100 MILLION, WITH ALMOST A QUARTER OCCURRING IN
THE UNITED STATES.
WELL, HE DID DELIVER ON THAT "AMERICA FIRST" THING.
WE JUST SHOULD HAVE ASKED WHAT CATEGORY IT WAS IN.
BUT IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT WE HAVE 4%
OF THE WORLD'S POPULATION AND 25% OF THE CASES BECAUSE THE
PREVIOUS DOOFUS-IN-CHIEF CALLED CONCERNS OVER THE VIRUS A HOAX,
PROMOTED QUACK CURES, AND MOCKED PEOPLE FOR WEARING MASKS.
IT WAS THE WORST PUBLIC HEALTH MESSAGE SINCE THE 1929s:
PRESIDENT HOOVER SAYS, "DON'T BE AFRAID OF SYPHILIS, PARD'NER!
REAL COWBOYS RIDE BAREBACK."
HOOVER, FAR MORE SEX-POSITIVE THAN I REMEMBER!
BUT THERE'S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN, AND I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON
HIS PLANS IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF "CATCH A THIRD WAVE:
ENDLESS BUMMER."
♪ DON'T WEAR YOUR MASK ♪ DON'T WASH YOUR HANDS
♪ DON'T AWARE YOUR MASK DON'T WASH YOUR HANDS
♪ DON'T WEAR YOUR MASK ♪ DON'T WASH YOUR HANDS
♪ DON'T WEAR YOUR MASK.
NAILED IT!
JUST CALL ME COVID VAN BEETHOVEN.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
WHY DID YOU GET THAT THING?
IS THAT A CATAPULT?
>> Stephen: YES.
>> OKAY, OKAY!
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: I WANT TO KNOW HOW MUCH OF TONIGHT'S BUDGET WENT
INTO CONSTRUCTING THIS CATAPULT AND THEM SEND THAT MAN A BOX OF
STEAKS.
YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN ANNOUNCED A DRAMATIC CHANGE TO
AMERICA'S COVID PLAN: THERE IS ONE.
THE MOST EXCITING NEWS: THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS BUYING
ENOUGH ADDITIONAL DOSES TO VACCINATE 300 MILLION AMERICANS
BY THE END OF THE SUMMER.
SO NEXT HALLOWEEN, THE HOT COSTUME IS GOING TO BE SEXY
NORMAL PEOPLE SAYING HELLO.
THEY'RE SEXY, BECAUSE THEY CAN SHAKE HANDS.
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.
BIDEN ALSO PROMISED STATES THAT THE TOTAL AMOUNT OF VACCINE
THEY'RE GETTING WILL RISE FROM 8.6 MILLION TO AT LEAST 10
MILLION A WEEK STARTING NEXT WEEK.
THAT MEANS FEBRUARY 2nd, NEXT WEEK, GROUNDHOG'S DAY,
PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL WILL COME OUT OF HIS BURROW AND GET
VACCINATED!
NOW HE CAN BE WITHIN SIX FEET OF HIS SHADOW.
GETTING MORE VACCINES IS GREAT, BUT WE REALLY NEED TO RE-EXAMINE
THE WAY WE GIVE THEM OUT, ESPECIALLY IN PHILADELPHIA,
WHERE THEY MADE THE OOPS-A-DAISY OF LETTING COLLEGE KIDS
DISTRIBUTE VACCINES, AND THE RESULT WAS A DISASTER.
WELL, YEAH!
THE ONLY THING COLLEGE KIDS ARE GOOD AT DISTRIBUTING ARE
ULTIMATE FRISBEE SIGN-UP SHEETS AND H.P.V.
APPARENTLY, THE CITY CONTRACTED OUT THEIR VACCINE OVERSIGHT TO A
STARTUP CALLED "PHILLY FIGHTING COVID," RUN BY A 22-YEAR-OLD
C.E.O., WHOSE RESUME INCLUDED TEACHING A HIGH SCHOOL FILM
CLASS, PRODUCING VIDEOS OF PEOPLE LONGBOARDING, AND
PRACTICING PARKOUR.
SO HE'S NOT QUALIFIED TO MANAGE HEALTHCARE, BUT HE IS QUALIFIED
TO DATE YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND.
NO SURPRISE THINGS DID NOT GO SO WELL.
LOCAL SENIORS WERE LEFT IN TEARS AFTER FINDING THAT APPOINTMENTS
THEY'D MADE WOULDN'T BE HONORED.
NOW, THIS MIGHT AFFECT THESE KIDS' CAREER PROSPECTS.
( AS INTERVIEWER ) "I SEE UNDER 'RECENT
EXPERIENCE,' IT SAYS 'COMPLETE AND MAKING THE ELDERLY CRY.
WELCOME TO FACEBOOK!" THAT WASN'T THE ONLY PROBLEM.
WHILE THEY WERE WORKING ON VACCINE SIGN-UPS, THE GROUP
SWITCHED TO A FOR-PROFIT MODEL AND ADDED A PRIVACY POLICY,
ALLOWING IT TO SELL USERS' PERSONAL DATA.
OKAY, BUT THEIR USE IRS ARE ALMOST ALL ELDERLY!
WHO'S LOOKING BUY THAT USER DATA, BIG BUTTERSCOTCH?
ARMCHAIR NAPS UNLIMITED?
THE SHADOWY GLOBAL CARTEL THAT CONTROLS WALK-IN BATHTUBS?
I WANT A WALK-IN BATH TUB, THE BY THE WAY.
THOSE LOOK AWESOME.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
DEEP ENOUGH TO DROWN IN.
NOT ONLY WAS THIS STARTUP A MAJOR DISASTER, THE C.E.O. SUCKS
MAJOR, BECAUSE, REPORTEDLY, HE PERSONALLY POCKETED VACCINE
DOSES.
NOW, WE ALL KNOW THEY NEED TO BE KEPT AT 90 BELOW ZERO.
BUT I'M SURE THEY WERE SAFELY TRANSPORTED BETWEEN TWO ICE-COLD
NATTY LIGHTS.
NOW, FOLKS, WE'VE GOT A NEW PRESIDENT, AND ONE OF HIS
BIGGEST JOBS IS CLEANING UP THE LAST ONE'S MESSES.
SO YESTERDAY, BIDEN HAD HIS FIRST PHONE CALL WITH RUSSIAN
PRESIDENT AND SPELLING BEE MODERATOR WARNING THE
CONTESTANTS THAT ALL THE WORDS WILL BE "POLONIUM," VLADIMIR
PUTIN.
REPORTEDLY, BIDEN TOOK PUTIN TO TASK ON THE KREMLIN'S EFFORT TO
INTERFERE IN U.S. ELECTIONS AND REPORTS THAT RUSSIA OFFERED
BOUNTIES IN AFGHANISTAN TO KILL AMERICAN SOLDIERS.
WOW!
THAT-- THAT IS GOOD TO HEAR.
I WONDER IF THERE'S A NAME FOR THAT KIND OF CONVERSATION WITH A
RUSSIAN LEADER: >> PERFECT PHONE CALL.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, CITIZEN.
NOW, BIDEN TALKING TO PUTIN IS HUGE NEWS IN MANY WAYS, THE
BIGGEST OF WHICH IS WE KNOW ABOUT IT!
THE LAST PRESIDENT HID THE CONTENTS OF EVERY INTERACTION HE
HAD WITH PUTIN, AND ONCE SAID "WHAT HAPPENS IN HIS PUTIN
MEETINGS WAS 'NONE OF OUR BUSINESS,' HE TOOK POSSESSION OF
THE NOTES OF HIS OWN INTERPRETER AND INSTRUCTED THE LINGUIST NOT
TO DISCUSS WHAT HAD TRANSPIRED," AND EVEN "DESTROYED THE
TRANSLATORS' NOTES AFTERWARDS."
NOTHING SUSPICIOUS ABOUT THAT!
IT'S JUST LIKE A HUSBAND SAYING, "HONEY, MY CORPORATE RETREAT WAS
GREAT AND NOTHING HAPPENED WITH MY ASSISTANT JENNIFER.
NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I DEACTIVATE MY INSTAGRAM, CHANGE
MY NAME, AND GET A SHOT OF PENICILLIN."
JOE BIDEN IS TAKING AMERICAN FOREIGN POLICY BACK TO WHAT I
CAN ONLY DESCRIBE AS "AMERICAN" FOREIGN POLICY.
AND I'LL TELL YOU MORE IN MY NEW SEGMENT, RETURNING TO...
>> NORMS!
>> Stephen: NOW, YOU MIGHT BE SAYING: THAT RIGHT THERE,
"THAT'S NORM FROM 'CHEERS,' BUT WHO'S THE OTHER GUY?"
THAT'S NORM WINER, THE FATHER OF BECCA WINER, ONE OF OUR WRITERS'
ASSISTANTS.
IT WAS VERY IMPORTANT THAT, FOR "NORMS," ONE OF THE NORMS BE A
NORMAL NORM.
NOW, IN THEIR CALL-- DID I EXPLAIN THAT?
OKAY, GOOD.
IN THEIR CALL, BIDEN ALSO TOOK PUTIN TO TASK FOR THE COMPUTER
HACK OF OUR GOVERNMENT, AND PUTIN'S TREATMENT OF RUSSIAN
OPPOSITION LEADER AND GUY WHO JUST GOT DUMPED AT A TURTLENECK
FASHION SHOW, ALEXEI NAVALNY.
NAVALNY WAS POISONED, WHICH MANY SUSPECT WAS AN ASSASSINATION
ATTEMPT ORDERED BY THE KREMLIN.
YES, THEY SUSPECT A GUY FAMOUS FOR KILLING POLITICAL OPPONENTS
OF TRYING TO KILL HIS POLITICAL OPPONENT.
IT'S PART OF THE NEW RUSSIAN EDITION OF THE CLASSIC BOARD
GAME, "CLUE: PUTIN DID IT."
HERE'S HOW THEY DID IT.
REPORTEDLY, PUTIN'S ASSASSINS PLANTED A LETHAL NERVE AGENT IN
NAVALNY'S UNDERPANTS.
THEY TRIED TO KILL HIM WITH HIS TIGHTY WHITIES!
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR WEARING "FRUIT OF THE TOMB."
NAVALNY RETURNED TO RUSSIA AND WAS MMEDIATELY JAILED, BUT THAT
HAS NOT SILENCED HIM.
RIGHT AFTER HIS ARREST, NAVALNY DROPPED A VIDEO ENTITLED
"PUTIN'S PALACE," TYING PUTIN'S CORRUPTION TO HIS $1.3 BILLION
PALACE.
NOW, IT SOUNDS BAD FOR A GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL TO HAVE THAT
KIND OF CASH, BUT REMEMBER, PUTIN SAVES A LOT OF MONEY ON
SHIRTS.
THE VIDEO GOT ALMOST 100 MILLION YOUTUBE VIEWS IN THE FIRST WEEK.
AND IT SHOWS OVER-THE-TOP FEATURES LIKE THIS SPLENDIFEROUS
THEATER WITH SPLIT-LEVEL VELVET BANQUETTE BOX SEATS.
THAT WOULD BE A TOUGH ROOM TO PLAY.
"HEY, DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE PRESIDENT WHO WAS SO GREAT
THAT EVERYONE LOVED HIM?
THAT'S MY TIME.
PLEASE, TIP YOUR WAITER, AND THEN HUNT HIM FOR SPORT IN THE
MORNING.
IT'S CROSSBOWS."
THE COMPOUND ALSO FEATURES AN ELABORATE HOOKAH BAR WITH A
STAGE THAT HAS A RISING STRIPPER POLE, A LAVISH CASINO, AN
OUTDOOR GREEK AMPHITHEATER, AND THIS GREEN MOUND THAT HOUSES AN
UNDERGROUND HOCKEY RINK WITH ITS OWN HELIPADS.
BECAUSE YOU CAN'T BE TRAVELING FROM YOUR PRIVATE OUTDOOR GREEK
AMPHITHEATER TO YOUR SUBTERRANEAN HOCKEY RINK VIA
HOVERCRAFT LIKE SOME ANIMAL.
BUT HE IS REALLY "PUTIN" ON THE RITZ IN HIS INSANE PRIVATE
APARTMENTS, WITH A MASSIVE FOUR-POSTER CANOPY BED,
GOLD-COFFERED CEILINGS, AND TACKY GOLD MOLDINGS AND
CHERUB SCULPTURES EVERYWHERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUN?
YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THAT HALFWAY THROUGH THAT, I JUST
SWITCHED FROM SHOWING THE DICTATOR'S COMPOUND TO SHOWING
OUR OLD PRESIDENT'S APARTMENT.
BUT HE LIVED BY THE OLD SAYING: DECORATE FOR THE JOB YOU WANT.
SPEAKING OF CORRUPT REGIMES, ONE FORMER ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL
IS REALLY HAVING A TOUGH TIME, BECAUSE WE JUST LEARNED THAT
MIKE PENCE IS HOMELESS.
OH, THAT CAN'T BE PRETTY.
( AS PENCE, BUSKING ) "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE
"F" TRAIN, IT IS SHOWTIME.
HIT IT, MOTHER.
A-5-6-7-8: OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN, PLEASE LET THESE PEOPLE
BUY ONE OF OUR CANDY BAR.
MOTHER, WORK THE POLE."
AND SCENE.
THE PROBLEM IS SINCE PENCE HAD FREE GOVERNMENT LODGING FOR THE
LAST FOUR YEARS, THE EX-VEEP DOESN'T OWN A HOUSE.
SO WHEN THE PENCES MOVED OUT OF THE VICE PRESIDENT'S RESIDENCE,
THEY HAD NOWHERE TO GO.
THAT'S HOW ALL-IN MIKE PENCE WAS WITH HIS DELUSIONAL BOSS.
HE WAS SO DEVOTED TO THE LIE THAT THEY HAD BEATEN BIDEN, THAT
HE MADE NO PLANS WHATSOEVER ON WHERE TO LIVE.
THAT'S LIKE THE "TITANIC" GETTING RID OF ITS LIFEBOATS TO
HAVE MORE HULL SPACE TO PAINT THE WORD "UNSINKABLE!"
BUT THEY'RE NOT OUT ON THE STREET.
THE PENCES ARE REPORTEDLY COUCH SURFING THEIR WAY THROUGH
INDIANA, WHICH IS ALSO THE TITLE OF THE WORST BEACH BOYS ALBUM
EVER.
WHEN ASKED WHY HE WAS DOING THIS, PENCE HAD A SIMPLE ANSWER:
>> I GOT NOWHERE ELSE TO GO!
>> Stephen: HE LOOKS REALLY GOOD, LOOKS REALLY GOOD.
LETTING A FRIEND CRASH ON YOUR COUCH IS NO BIG DEAL, UNTIL YOU
CONSIDER THAT THE PENCES STILL HAVE SECRET SERVICE PROTECTION.
"THANKS SO MUCH FOR YOUR HOSPITALITY, STEVE, BUT, SORRY,
BEFORE YOU ENTER THE KITCHEN, YOU WILL HAVE TO BE CAVITY
SEARCHED."
BUT FINDING A PLACE TO STAY SHOULDN'T BE THAT HARD.
I CAN THINK OF THOUSANDS OF GUYS WHO WANT TO HANG WITH MIKE
PNCE.
RIGHT, FELLAS?
>> HANG MIKE PENCE!
HANG MIKE PENCE!
>> Stephen: CLOSE ENOUGH.
PENCE ISN'T THE ONLY PRESIDENTIAL LACKEY HAVING A
BIT OF A TOUGH TIME.
SO IS MYPILLOW FOUNDER, MIKE LINDELL, SEEN HERE
INAPPROPRIATELY TOUCHING AN EMPLOYEE.
LINDELL HAS SPENT THE PAST FEW MONTHS PEDDLING DEBUNKED
CONSPIRACY THEORIES ABOUT VOTER FRAUD, URGING THE LAST
ADMINISTRATION TO IMPOSE MARTIAL LAW TO REMAIN IN OFFICE, AND
HAVING THE MYPILLOW SITE OFFER DISCOUNT CODES LIKE "QANON."
I GUESS LINDELL THOUGHT BETRAYING YOUR COUNTRYWOULD PAY
OFF.
REMINDS ME OF WHEN BENEDICT ARNOLD SOLD US OUT TO THE
BRITISH TO GET 15% OFF A SET OF SHAKE WEIGHTS.
LAST WEEK, J.C. PENNEY DROPPED MYPILLOW, ALONG WITH KOHL'S AND
BED BATH & BEYOND.
AND, YESTERDAY, TWITTER BANNED LINDELL.
OH, THAT'S NICE-- NO MORE FASCIST CONSPIRACIES TO
DISTRACT YOU FROM THE TOXIC MISOGYNY.
BUT WITH MYPILLOW IN TROUBLE, THERE'S AN OPENING IN THE MARKET
FOR CONSPIRACY-SPREADING, AS-SEEN-ON-TV PRODUCTS.
AND ONE COMPANY IS TAKING ADVANTAGE WITH THIS NEW AD:
>> EGGS!
THEY'RE IMPOSSIBLE-- HOLDING THEM, CRACKING THEM, MAKING THEM
HOT.
BUT NOT ANYMORE, THANKS TO THE EGG WHIZZARD!
THE EGG WHIZZARD MAKES PERFECT EGGS EVERY TIME, AND IT'S THE
ONLY KITCHEN PRODUCT GUARANTEED TO FIGHT THE SECRET CABAL OF
SATAN-WORSHIPPING CANNIBALS WHO CONTROL OUR WATER SUPPLY!
NO MORE MESSY COUNTERS!
NO MORE SLOPPY PLATES!
NO MORE GEORGE SOROS LIZARD MEN.
THE EGG WHIZZARD MAKES EGGS EASY!
AS EASY AS IT WAS FOR MR. ROGERS TO FAKE HIS OWN DEATH AND LIVE
UNDER AN ASSUMED NAME IN CUBA UNTIL HE RECEIVES THE SIGNAL TO
RETURN AT THE HEAD OF AN ARMY OF CHILD PATRIOTS AND ARREST BO AND
SUNNY OBAMA!
>> WHEN I TRIED THE EGG WHIZZARD, I THOUGHT, THERE'S NO
WAY A SINGLE PRODUCT CAN MAKE GREAT OMELETS, FLUFFY MERINGUES,
AND STOP THE TRILATERAL COMMISSION FROM USING ikea.com
TO PLANT D.N.A.-GATHERING DEVICES IN OUR FURNITURE SO THAT
OPRAH CAN CLONE US FOR ORGAN MEAT.
BUT IT CAN!
>> ORDER NOW WITH PROMO CODE "THE GATHERING IS NIGH," AND
WE'LL THROW IN A FREE TOASTINATOR!
YOU'LL LOVE THE WAY IT MAKES TOAST!
BUT YOU KNOW WHO WON'T?
THE SWARM OF SENTIENT CYBER HORNETS WHO CALL THEMSELVES
"HILLARY CLINTON."
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE BILLY CRYSTAL AND REPRESENTATIVE JACKIE SPEIER.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, BACK BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
LET'S SAY HELLO TO MR. JON BATISTE.
HELLO, JON.
>> Jon: HELLO.
>> Stephen: YOU TOOK THE WORDS RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH.
I GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU.
I HAVE LOST TRACK BECAUSE EASTER BEING A MOVABLE FEAST, WHEN IS
MARDI GRAS?
ARE WE CLOSE TO MARDI GRAS?
WHEN IS IT ROLLING AROUND?
>> Jon: YEAH, WE'RE TWO WEEKS AWAY, TWO WEEKS AWAY, GIVE OR
TAKE A FEW DAYS.
AND, YOU KNOW, WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO CELEBRATE THIS
YEAR.
>> Stephen: IS THERE GOING TO BE ANYTHING.
IS THERE GOING TO BE LIKE-- ANYTHING?
>> Jon: THERE'S NOTHING.
EVERYTHING IS ONLINE.
MARDI GRAS ONLINE ( LAUGHS ).
>> Stephen: HOW ABOUT A LITTLE MARDI GRAS MUSIC TO BRING US
INTO THE NEXT ACT.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,
EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, JON.
>> Stephen: HE IS AN EMMY AWARD-WINNING ACTOR, COMEDIAN,
AND NINE-TIME HOST OF THE ACADEMY AWARDS.
HE NOW STARS IN THE FILM "STANDING UP, FALLING DOWN."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO A LATE SHOW, BILLY CRYSTAL!
HELLO, BILLY!
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
>> GOOD TO SEE YOU, STEPHEN.
IT'S BEEN SO LONG.
>> Stephen: IT REALLY HAS, THE LAST TIME WE TALKED, I THINK
THERE WAS AN AUDIENCE.
>> OH, MAN, I MISS THAT SO MUCH.
YOU HAVE THE GREATEST AUDIENCES IN MY FAVORITE THEATER.
THERE TWO GREAT STUDIOS, YOU, OF COURSE, AND 8-"H."
I HAVE WARM FEELINGS FOR THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER BECAUSE THAT'S
WHERE I MADE MY NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT ON THE "HOWARD
COSELL" VARIETY SHOW.
>> Stephen: I REMEMBER THAT, SURE!
>> I'M SORRY YOU DO.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> I LOVE YOUR THEATER, BECAUSE HERE'S A PICTURE, STEPHEN, OF
THE MARQUEE FROM 1975.
I'M GOING TO HOLD IT UP.
>> Stephen: WOW!
HOWARD COSELL.
ROY CLARK, CHITA RIVERA, SENATOR KENNEDY, AND BILL CRYSTAL?
WHO IS "BILL CRYSTAL"?
>> THEY RAN OUT OF "Y"s, SO I WAS BILL FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
AND HOWARD COSELL WAS THE HOST.
>> Stephen: WHAT A LINEUP!
MY GOD.
>> THERE WAS MORE.
THERE WAS SHAMU THE KILLER WHALE WHO CAME LIVE FROM SAN DIEGO.
I REMEMBER COMING INTO REHEARSAL, I WAS SO NERVOUS, AND
HOWARD WAS SITTING IN THE FRONT ROW TALKING TO ONE OF THE
PRODUCERS, WHO WAS ALAN KING, ACTUALLY.
>> Stephen: WOW.
>> AND HE'S YELLING AT HIM, "HOW CAN I INTERVIEW A WHALE!
IT'S TOUGH ENOUGH TO TALK TO SONNY LISTON.
I HAVE TO TALK TO A WHALE!
>> Stephen: HOW ARE YOU HANDLING THE COVID, THE
PANDEMIC?
IT'S A STRANGE TIME.
ARE YOU OKAY?
>> I'M FINE, I'M FINE.
IT'S BEEN A YEAR I HAVE NOT LEFT THIS SEAT, SO, BASICALLY, IT'S
BEEN IN THIS ROOM, STAYING SAFE.
THE OTHER DAY, I WAS VERY HAPPY TO GET MY FIRST DOSE OF THE
MODERNA VACCINE.
>> Stephen: OH, WOW, I'M JEALOUS.
>> WELL, DON'T BE, I'M OLDER THAN YOU.
( LAUGHS ) AND IT WAS AT DODGER STADIUM
WHERE WE GOT IT.
IT WAS DEBRA BIRX BOBBLEHEAD NIGHT.
THAT WAS FUN.
I GOT THE INJECTION AND A SCARF, A FREE SCARF.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.
>> AT LEAST THAT WAS GOOD BECAUSE IT WAS THE FIRST STEP TO
HUGGING MY KIDS AND MY GRANDCHILDREN AGAIN.
AND I DO HAVE A PREEXISTING UNDERLYING CONDITION, WHICH IS
TERROR.
SO THAT WAS GOOD THAT I GOT THAT.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU-- HAVE YOU KEPT YOURSELF BUSY?
DO YOU HAVE INDOOR HOBBIES THAT YOU CAN ENGAGE IN?
>> OH, YEAH, YEAH, NO, I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF WORK.
PLUS I THINK I'M THE WORLD RECORD HOLDER FOR SAYING THE
WORD "UNMUTE."
I'VE BEEN DOING IT CONSTANTLY BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT OF RELATIVE
BHOZ TRY TO ZOOM.
SO IT'S BEEN A LOT OF SEEING MY RELATIVES LOOKING AT ME ON A
ZOOM GOING...
( NO AUDIO ) UNMUTE!
UNCLE-- UNCLE CHUCK, UNMUTE!
SO THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING.
I DO "THE NEW YORK TIMES" CROSSWORD PUZZLE.
I'M AT A RECORD PACE FOR MYSELF.
I DO IT IN A WEEK NOW.
BUT JUST THE DOWN WORDS.
I JUST DO THE DOWN WORDS.
>> Stephen: OH, INTERESTING, INTERESTING.
I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU ABOUT "THE NEW YORK TIMES" CROSSWORD
PUZZLE.
I HAVE NOT HAD THE STORIED CAREER YOU HAVE, BUT I'VE BEEN
DOING THIS FOR A WHILE.
I STILL GET SUCH A THRILL IF SOMEBODY SAYS, "HEY, YOU WERE IN
THE CROSSWORD."
>> I WAS IN IT A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO.
>> Stephen: IT'S A STRANGE THRILL.
>> IT'S VERY ODD, BECAUSE YOU ALMOST FEEL LIKE YOU'RE DEAD.
( LAUGHING ) SO I FIND THAT I WORK OUT AS
MUCH AS I CAN PHYSICALLY.
I WAS A GOOD ATHLETE, AND I KEEP AT IT.
I PLAY A LOT OF BASKETBALL, ONE ON ME, JUST ALONE.
BECAUSE HERE'S-- WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, I WAS A PRETTY GOOD
PLAYER.
HERE'S A CARD THAT THE N.B.A.
MADE FOR ME-- THAT'S MY HIGH SCHOOL YEAR BOOK PHOTOGRAPH.
AND YOU SEE I HAVE A LITTLE SCAB ON MY KNEE?
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
>> THAT'S NOT FROM PLAYING.
I TRIPPED IN THE LOCKER ROOM.
BUT I KEPT IT IT FOR WHEN WE TOOK THE PICTURES SO IT LOOKED
LIKE I PLAYED A LOT.
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF THE GAME, OBVIOUSLY YOU'RE A
CLIPPERS FAN.
>> YEAH, I'M A CLIPPERS FAN.
AND THAT'S WHO I AM WHEN I PLAY.
I PLAY ALL ALONE AND, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU WERE A KID-- BECAUSE I
KNOW YOU'RE A GYM RAT, TOO.
>> Stephen: SURE, SURE.
YOU DON'T GET A BODY LIKE THIS WITHOUT DEDICATION.
>> WHEN I WAS A KID IT WAS ALWAYS THE LAST 10 SECONDS, YOU
KNOW, BEFORE THE CHAMPIONSHIP.
10 SECONDS.
BUT NOW, YOU KNOW, HEY, MAN, I'M 72.
SO MY 10 SECONDS IS A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
CRYSTAL'S GOT THE BALL, 10 SECONDS LEFT, HE GOES LEFT, HE
GOES, RIGHT, HE GOES RIGHT-- WAIT A SECOND.
HE'S WANDERING OFF.
NINE SECONDS HE GOES TO HIS LEFT, HE GOES TO HIS RIGHT.
EIGHT SECONDS!
HE STOPS TO PEE!
SEVEN, SIX, TWO PLAYERS HAVE HIM TRAPPED IN THE CORONER.
THEE LIKES IT THEY'RE KEEPING HIM WORN.
SIX, FIVE-- HE PEES AGAIN.
TALK ABOUT A DOUBLE DRIBBLE.
HE DROPS THE BALL, HE CAN'T STRAIGHTEN UP.
THE BUZZER GOES OFF.
THAT'S THE BUZZ TORE REMIND HIM TO TAKE HIS PILLS.
HE SHOOT!
HE SCORES!
THEY PICK HIM UP AND CARRY HIM OFF THE FIELD.
HE GRABS HIS NECK AND HE'S YELLING WHIPLASH!
WHIPLASH.
IN!
THAT'S MY 10 ACADEMIES IS.
I'M OUT OF BREATH.
>> Stephen: THIS IS AN AMAZING PHOTO.
THIS IS YOU AT THE STAPLES CENTER WITH AN AMAZING, AMAZING
GUEST NEXT TO YOU RIGHT HERE.
>> OH, YEAH.
THAT WAS-- YEAH.
THAT WAS SOCIALIST NIGHT AT THE STAPLES CENTER.
>> Stephen: SURE, EVERYONE, EVERYONE HAS THE BALL
( LAUGHS ) THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE MEMES
BECAUSE IT FITS.
IT SEEMS PERFECTLY NATURAL.
YOU'RE SITTING THE SAME WAY.
>> WE'RE SITTING THE SAME WAY, AND HE'S GOT THE MITTENS AND THE
COAT ON, AND IT WAS 90 DEGREES IN THERE.
SO IT WAS PERFECT FOR A GUY HIS AGE, TOO.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT WHEN WE COME
BACK, I WILL ASK BILLY ABOUT SOME OF HIS COMEDIC AND ACTING
HEROES.
SPOILER ALERT-- IT'S KARL REINER.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WE'RE BACK WITH BILLY CRYSTAL.
YOU'RE STARRING IN THE FILM "STANDING UP, FALLING DOWN," AND
WHO DO YOU PLAY?
AND WE HAVE A CLIP HERE WITH YOU-- WHAT'S THE YOUNG ACTOR
PLAYING THE LEAD?
>> HE'S GREAT.
HIS NAME IS BEN SCHWARTZ.
HE'S A WONDERFUL ACTOR.
>> Stephen: IT'S YOU AND BEN SCHWARTZ IN A CHURCH.
WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?
>> WE'RE GOING TO A FUNERAL.
I AM HIS DERMATOLOGIST.
I'M A HARD-DRINKING, POT-SMOKING DERMATOLOGIST, WHICH WAS HARD
FOR ME BECAUSE I'M NOT A DERMATOLOGIST.
AND THEY MEET AT THIS FUNERAL.
THEY GO FOR DIFFERENT REASONS.
BEN'S CHARACTER, SCOTT, GOES TO, THINKING HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND WILL
BE THERE.
AND I GO THINKING THAT MY SON, WHO I'M ESTRANGED FROM, WILL BE
THERE, AND WE SEE EACH OTHER IN THE BACK OF THE CHURCH.
>> Stephen: JIM.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> HEY, ROLLINS, RIGHT.
ROLLINS, HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
>> ARE YOU EVERYWHERE?
>> I GET AROUND.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> HONESTLY, I DON'T EVEN KNOW.
WOW.
YOU KILLED RORY.
>> I DIDN'T KILL RORY.
>> THAT'S WHY YOU WERE STRESSED.
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> YOU HAD YOUR HANDS ON HIS SHOULDER RIGHT BEFORE YOU
STRANGLED HIM!
>> HE DIED OF LEUKEMIA.
>> ARE YOU HIGH?
>> YEAH ( LAUGHS )
>> WOW.
>> Stephen: NOW, YOU KNOW ME, YOU KNOW I KEEP MY FINGER ON THE
PULSE OF THE ORCHAR BUZZ OUT THERE, AND THIS THING-- THIS
OSCAR BUZZ IS HUMMING LIKE A REFRIGERATOR COIL AROUND YOU.
WHAT-- WHAT-- WHO WAS YOUR ACTING HERO GROWING UP?
WAS THERE SOMEBODY YOU WANTED TO MODEL YOURSELF AFTER?
>> THERE WAS A LOT, BUT JACK LEMMON.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE "THE APARTMENT" THE GREATEST OF ALL
TIME.
>> YEAH, BECAUSE WHAT I LOVED ABOUT MR. LEMON WAS HE COULD BE
OUTRAGEOUSLY FUNNY "MR. ROBERTS," "SOME LIKE IT
HOT," AND THEN HE COULD BREAK YOUR HEART, "THE APARTMENT,"
"DAYS OF WINE AND ROSES" "SAVE THE TIGER"
WHEN I GOT THE SCRIPT, A SMALL MOVIE, "MY NAME IS MARTY," I
DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A LAST NAME.
TO ME IT WAS A JACK LEMMON KIND OF PART.
AND THERE WAS ANOTHER GREAT ACTOR WHO I REALLY LOVED.
HIS NAME WAS MIKIE ROONEY.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE.
PEOPLE FORGET ABOUT MIKIE ROONEY, HE WAS, AT ONE TIME, THE
BIGGEST BOX OFFICE STAR IN THE WORLD.
>> I THINK SEVEN YEARS IN A ROW HE WAS NUMBER ONE IN THE "ANDY
HARDY" MOVIES.
HE COULD DO EVERYTHING.
HE COULD SING.
HEBD DANCE.
HE COULD PLAY INSTRUMENTS.
HE WAS AN AMAZING TALENT AND AS HE GOT OLD ETHE PARTS GOT MORE
INTERESTING FOR HIM.
AND SO THE MOVIE I LOVE WAS "THE BLACK STALLION."
>> Stephen: INCREDIBLE, THROWING IT AWAY, THROWING IT
AWAY.
>> EXACTLY, THREW IT AWAY, THREW IT AWAY.
HE PLAYED AN AGING JOCKEY, AND I GOT TO INTERVIEW HIM AT AN
"EVENING AT THE ACADEMY" WHERE THEY WERE CELEBRATING THE
50th ANNIVERSARY OF "IT'S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD."
AND ON STAGE WAS CARL REINER, JONATHAN WINTERS, AND MICKY, AND
OTHER PEOPLE FROM THE MOVIE UPON I INTRODUCED HIM.
HONESTLY, HE WAS IN A WHEELCHAIR.
HE WAS 5'1", 5'2".
I INTRODUCED HIM.
HE ROLLED OUT, THEN GOT OUT OF THE CHAIR AND DID AN AMAZING
TIME STEP, AND THEN SAT BACK DOWN.
AND AFORESAID WE WERE TALKING, AND I TOLD HIM HOW MUCH I LOVED
"THE BLACK STALLION."
AND HE SAID, "YEAH, I WAITED A LONG TIME FOR THAT."
HE SAID TO ME, "YOU WAIT AROUND, THOSE PARTS COME TO YOU.
SO WAIT.
YOU'RE GOING TO FIND AN AGING JOCKEY ROLE.
IT WILL HAPPEN.
IT WILL HAPPEN."
SO THIS GUY MARTY WAS NOT A JOCKEY, BUT IT WAS A ROLE-- IT
WAS A BLESSING TO GET A PART THAT I COULD JUST BE AND NOT,
YOU KNOW, NOT REALLY HAVE TO DO TOO MUCH.
I JUST LOVED THIS GUY.
THAT WAS REALLY GOOD ADVICE.
BECAUSE I THINK THE LONGER, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE AROUND, THE MORE IT
INFORMS YOUR WORK.
AND THEN IT-- I DON'T KNOW, I JUST FELT REALLY AT EASE PLAYING
THIS GUY.
>> Stephen: I HAVE TO ASK YOU--
>> IT'S NICE AFTER ALL THESE YEARS TO JUST FEEL LIKE, HEY,
I'M GETTING-- I'M GETTING IT."
>> Stephen: YOU'RE GOING-- YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE IT SOME
DAY.
I HAVE FAITH IN YOU.
BUT I HAVE TO ASK ABOUT CARL REINER.
OF ALL THAT GENERATION OF COMEDIANS OR COMIC WRITERS OR
COMIC PRODUCERS, HE, TO ME-- I DON'T WANT TO SAY THE MOST
ADMIRABLE, BUT HE WAS THE ONE I LOVED THE MOST.
UNFORTUNATELY, I NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO MEET HIM.
I MET MEL BUT I NEVER GOT TO MEET CARL.
HOW THAT MAN DIED WITHOUT A KENNEDY CENTER HONOR, I DON'T
KNOW.
BUT WHAT DID HE MEAN TO YOU?
BECAUSE HE WAS THE GREAT.
>> HE WAS.
HE WAS-- IF THERE WAS A CAREER TO ASPIRE TO FOR ME, IT WAS HIS.
BECAUSE HE DID SO MANY THINGS.
HE WAS A GREAT SKETCH█ç PLAYER.
HE WAS A WONDERFUL WRITER, RIGHT UP UNTIL THE DAY HE PASSED AWAY
HE WAS STILL WRITING.
HE PRODUCED.
CREATED "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW," WAS HILARIOUS IN IT.
AND WHEN I FIRST SAW HIM, I WAS FIVE OR SIX YEARS OLD, AND HE
MADE ME LAUGH WITH SID ON THAT AMAZING SHOW OF SHOWS, AND LATER
ON "CAESAR'S HOUR."
AND THEN WHEN HE WAS 98, AND I WAS WITH HIM ON HIS BIRTHDAY, HE
MADE ME LAUGH.
AND IN BETWEEN ALL THAT TIME, HE MADE EVERYBODY LAUGH.
AND-- AND-- HE WAS AN UNCLE TO ME.
AND MEL HAS BEEN THE SAME WAY.
THAT'S ONE OF THE GREAT BLESSINGS.
ROB IS MY DEAREST FRIEND, AND THEN CARL AND I HAD A WHOLE
SEPARATE, WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP WHERE WE WOULD SPEAK AND TALK
AND-- HE WAS JUST A GIANT.
I MEAN, REALLY A GIANT.
MY FAVORITE PHOTOGRAPH OF US TOGETHER, I MEAN "SHOW OF SHOWS"
REALLY MADE ME WANT TO BE FUNNY.
I MEAN, THERE WAS NOBODY FUNNIER ON SCREEN THAN SID.
AND LOOK WHO WROTE THAT SHOW.
THAT HUMOR WAS IN THERE.
MEL AND NEIL SIMON AND LATER WOODY ALLEN AND LARRY GELBARTON.
THIS IS A PICTURE BACKSTAGE AT THE VERY FIRST "COMIC RELIEF"
THAT I DID WITH ROBYN AND WHOOPI AND ALL OF OUR FELLOW COMEDIANS.
AND WE HONORED "SHOW OF SHOWS."
>> Stephen: I GOT IT.
WE SEE IT.
>> THERE'S EMMA JEAN COKE ASID, ME HUGGING SID'S LEG.
AND THERE'S CARL.
THE REASON I'M HUGGING SID'S LEG WAS THEY DID A ROUTINE THAT YOU
MAY REMEMBER, A SKETCH ON "THIS IS YOUR LIFE," THE RALPH EDWARDS
"THIS IS YOUR LIFE."
AND SID PLAYED A GUY WHO DIDN'T WANT HIS LIFE TO BE TOLD.
SO HE WAS IN█ç A MISERABLE MOOD AND THEY PLAYED OUT UNCLE GOOPY
AND HE CAN'T STOP CRYING, AND EVERY TIME HE SEES SID HE CRIED.
AND HE JUMPED ON HIM.
AND SID WAS SO STRONG, AND HE WAS ONID SID'S LEG AND HE
DRAGGED HIM AROUND THE SET.
I WAS FOUR OR FIVE.
IT WAS BEDTIME, AND MY DAD WOULD COME IN FROM WORK AND I WOULD
GRAB ON HIS LEG AND HE WOULD DRAG ME AROUND THE HOUSE AND PUT
ME TO BED.
WHEN I SAW THEM AND MET THEM ALL FOR THE FIRST TIME I JUST
GRABBED SID'S LEG LIKE THAT.
AND, YOU KNOW, IT WAS A CHANCE TO BE UNCLE GOOPY.
THEY MEANT EVERYTHING TO ME.
AND SID, SID WAS A GIANT.
AND I GOT TO TALK WITH HIM SEVERAL TIMES.
AND WHEN HE CAME TO SEE ME IN MY SHOW, IT WAS THE GREATEST, LIKE,
REVERSAL.
I MEAN, HE WAS THERE WATCHING ME, AND I WAS ON STAGE, YOU
KNOW, REALLY BECAUSE OF HIM.
IT WAS-- AND THE SAME WITH CARL.
IT WAS-- I WAS VERY BLESSED.
I WAS AT CARL'S BIRTHDAY, THE LAST ONE HE COULD HAVE BECAUSE
OF THE PANDEMIC.
IT WAS 98.
AND HE BLOWS OUT HIS CANDLES AND HE MAKES A WISH, AND ROB SAID,
"WHAT DID YOU WISH FOR, POP."
AND HE SAID, ALL RIGHT, TRUMP, YOU'RE OUT OF HERE."
AND IT WAS SO-- YOU KNOW, JUST AMAZING.
I'VE JUST BEEN VERY BLESSED TO HAVE KNOWN HIM.
>> Stephen: WELL, BILLY, THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
I MEAN, IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO HAVE YOU ON.
IT'S LIKE A VACATION BECAUSE YOU'RE-- YOU'RE THE BEST KIND OF
GUEST.
YOU'VE GOT A LOT TO SAY, AND WE LOVE HEARING YOU SAY IT.
AND I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT WHAT THOSE PEOPLE, LIKE CARL AND
MELAMINE TO YOU, YOU MEAN TO AN ENTIRE GENERATION OF COMEDIANS,
LIKE ME, AND I WISH I COULD BE THERE TO GRAB YOUR LEG
"STANDING UP, FALLING DOWN" IS AVAILABLE ON DEMAND NOW.
BILLY CRYSTAL, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CONGRESSWOMAN JACKIE SPEIER.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
MY NEXT GUEST HAS SPENT 12 YEARS WORKING FOR CALIFORNIANS IN THE
UNITED STATES HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES.
PLEASE WELCOME CONGRESSWOMAN JACKIE SPEIER!
IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU AS WELL.
>> Stephen: I KNOW THERE IS SO MUCH TO BE DONE IN WASHINGTON,
D.C. RIGHT NOW.
YOU GUYS MUST HAVE YOUR HANDS FULL.
THE FIRST THING I WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT, ONE WEEK AGO TODAY
WAS THE INAUGURATION OF OUR NEW PRESIDENT.
WHILE THERE WAS NO CROWD, WAS IT A JOYFUL OCCASION?
DID YOU-- DID YOU FEEL THE IMPORT AND THE CHANGE OF THE
TIDE?
>> YOU KNOW, IT WAS A WONDERFUL OCCASION, BECAUSE THERE WAS A
CALMNESS THAT HAD KIND OF TAKEN OVER THE ENTIRE GATHERING, AND
THERE WAS-- THERE WAS SOME GIDDINESS.
THERE WAS A LOT OF HAPPINESS, YES, AND THERE WAS JOY.
>> Stephen: WELL, IT'S SOBERING TO THINK THAT THAT
INAUGURATION TOOK PLACE IN ONE OF THE SPOTS ON CAPITOL HILL
WHERE THERE WAS SUCH VIOLENCE AND SUCH CHAOS AND AN ATTEMPT TO
OVERTURN A FREE AND FAIR ELECTION.
YOU WERE THERE AT THE CAPITOL THAT DAY.
WHAT WAS THAT EXPERIENCE LIKE FOR YOU, ESPECIALLY SOMEONE WHO
PEOPLE MAY NOT KNOW, IN 1978, YOU WERE ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO
WAS ATTACKED DOWN IN JONES TOWN BY CULT MEMBERS, AND YOUR BOSS,
THEN-REPRESENTATIVE LEO RYAN, WAS KILLED.
WHAT WENT THROUGH YOUR MIND WHEN YOU KNEW THAT PEOPLE BENT ON
VIOLENCE WERE STORMING THE CAPITOL?
>> I WAS SITTING IN THE HOUSE GALLERY, AND I SAW THE SPEAKER
BEING ESCORTED OUT OF THE CHAMBER, AND SHE LOOKED A LITTLE
DELIBERATE IN HER MOVEMENTS.
BUT THAT'S NOT UNUSUAL FOR HER.
AND THEN, THE WHIP AND MAJORITY LEADER WERE ESCORTED OUT.
AND THEN I KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP.
AND SHORTLY THEREAFTER, A CAPITOL POLICE OFFICER STOOD AT
THE DAIS, AND SAID, "THE CAPITOL HAS BEEN BREACHED."
AND WE THOUGHT OH, MY GOD.
HE SAID, "STAY IN YOUR SEATS.
WE'RE LOCKING ALL THE DOORS OF THE GALLERY."
HE SAYS, "THERE IS A POUCH UNDER YOUR CHAIRS.
PULL IT OUT."
NOW, I'VE SAT IN THE CAPITOL GALLERY MANY TIMES, AND DIDN'T
KNOW THAT THERE WERE POUCHES UNDERNEATH THE SEATS.
SO I PULLED OUT THE POUCH, UNZIPPED IT.
THERE WAS AN ALUMINUM PACKET, AND I TORE THAT OPEN, AND PULLED
OUT A GAS MASK.
AND THEN HE SAID, "DON'T PUT IT ON YET."
AND THEN SHORTLY THEREAFTER, WE WERE ASKED TO MOVE ACROSS THE
GALLERY TO THE OTHER SIDE, CROUCHING UNDERNEATH THE BRASS
RAILINGS.
AND WE GOT TO THE OTHER SIDE, AND THEN WE HEARD THE POUNDING
ON THE CHAMBER DOORS, AND THE CAPITOL POLICE BROUGHT A HUGE
PIECE OF FURNITURE OVER TO THE DOORS TO KEEP IT IN PLACE, AND
THEN THEY DREW THEIR GUNS AT THE NOW-BROKEN GLASS ON THE DOORS.
AND THEN WE WERE TOLD TO GET DOWN.
SO I GOT DOWN ON THE MARBLE FLOOR, AND THEN I HEARD A SHOT.
AND I PUT MY HEAD DOWN, AND I REMEMBER FEELING THE COLD MARBLE
ON MY CHEEK.
AND THERE WAS THIS SENSE OF RESIGNATION.
HERE I WAS 42 YEARS LATER IN MY OWN COUNTRY, IN THE SACRED
TEMPLE OF DEMOCRACY, AND I WAS FEARFUL THAT WE WERE GOING TO
LOSE OUR LIVES.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE CONGRESSWOMAN JACKIE SPEIER.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WE'RE BACK WITH CONGRESSWOMAN JACKIE SPEIER.
YOU YOURSELF IN THAT DAY IN 1978 WERE SHOT MULTIPLE TIMES.
I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT THAT FEELING MUST HAVE BEEN TO GO
THROUGH THIS EXPERIENCE AGAIN WITH THE FEAR FOR YOUR OWN LIFE.
DO YOU SEE PARALLELS BETWEEN THE BEHAVIOR OF THOSE CULT MEMBERS
OF JIM JONES AND THESE SUPPORTERS OF THE FORMER
PRESIDENT WHO STORMED THE CAPITOL?
DO YOU SEE ANY PARALLEL IN THEIR DEVOTION OR THEIR IRRATIONALITY?
>> YOU KNOW, STEPHEN, I WROTE A BOOK TWO YEARS AGO, AND WENT ON
A BOOK TOUR.
AND AT EVERY SINGLE SPEECH, THE VERY FIRST QUESTION OR THE
SECOND QUESTION WAS THAT, "ARE THERE PARALLELS BETWEEN DONALD
TRUMP AND JIM JONES?" AND THE FIRST TIME I WAS ASKED
THE QUESTION, I KIND OF RECOILED FROM IT, BECAUSE I THOUGHT, NO,
THIS-- THIS-- YOU KNOW, THIS REALLY CAN'T BE THAT KIND OF A
COMPARISON.
YOU KNOW, JIM JONES TOOK 900 OF HIS CONGREGATION TO THEIR
DEATHS.
AND, YET, WHEN YOU RECOGNIZE WHAT HAPPENED ON JANUARY 6,
PRESIDENT TRUMP TOLD HIS FOLLOWERS TO GO TO THE CAPITOL
AND FIGHT, AND THAT WE WILL NOT TAKE BACK OUR COUNTRY WITH
WEAKNESS.
AND SO THEY STORMED THE CAPITOL AND BROKE IN.
AND IF THEY HAD GUNS, IMAGINE THE DESTRUCTION, IMAGINE THE
DEATHS, IMAGINE THE MAYHEM.
AS IT TURNED OUT, YOU KNOW, THEY USED PIPES AND FIRE
EXTINGUISHERS TO KILL A POLICE OFFICER AND INJURE MANY MORE.
AND IT'S-- IT'S REALLY INDESCRIBABLE WHEN YOU REALIZE
THAT OUR COUNTRY CAME THAT CLOSE TO LOSING THE DEMOCRACY.
THIS INSURRECTION ALMOST SUCCEEDED.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THOSE PEOPLE WHO SAY,█ç "WELL, H
DIDN'T ACTUALLY SAY DO THIS EXACTLY," MUCH IN THE SAME WAY
THAT CHARLIE MANSON DIDN'T ACTUALLY COMMIT THE MURDERS.
HIS CULT MEMBERS DID.
WHAT DO YOU SAY TO PEOPLE LIKE NIKI HALEY WHO THINK WE NEED TO,
"GIVE THE MAN A BREAK AND MOVE ON."
>> "GIVE THE MAN A BREAK."
TELL THAT TO THE WIDOW OF THE POLICE OFFICER WHO DIED.
TELL THAT TO THE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE, STAFF MEMBERS, WHO WERE
SHIVERING IN CLOSET THROUGHOUT THE CAPITOL.
THIS WAS AN ACT BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES TO INCITE
AN INSURRECTION.
AND TO SOMEHOW JUST, YOU KNOW, BRUSH IT AWAY AS IF IT'S NOT
SIGNIFICANT.
REMEMBER, THE REPUBLICANS FOR, I DON'T KNOW, THREE YEARS, BEAT UP
HILLARY CLINTON BECAUSE OF BENGHAZI.
AND YET, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO FORGET THAT WE ALMOST LOST
DEMOCRACY TWO WEEKS AFTER THE FACT?
>> Stephen: WELL, CONGRESSWOMAN, THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR BEING HERE.
STAY SAFE, PLEASE.
CONGRESSWOMAN JACKIE SPEIER, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WHO GAVE ME THIS SWORD IN 2007!
AND NEW YORK TIMES COLUMNIST CHARLES BLOW.
WHO GAVE ME THIS GAVEL-- HE DIDN'T GIVE ME THE GAVEL?
OKAY, GOOD NIGHT.
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