1 00:00:01,334 --> 00:00:03,128 >> AFTER RETURNING TO HIS HOME STATE, FORMER VICE PRESIDENT 2 00:00:03,211 --> 00:00:05,422 MIKE PENCE AND HIS WIFE ARE REPORTEDLY HOMELESS. 3 00:00:05,505 --> 00:00:06,965 ACCORDING TO REPORTS, THE PENCES HAVEN'T OWNED A HOME IN A 4 00:00:07,048 --> 00:00:17,267 DECADE, SO THEY ARE NOW COUCH SUFFERING 5 00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:24,065 ( DOORBELL RINGS ) >> GOOD EVENING. 6 00:00:24,149 --> 00:00:27,777 IT'S AN HONOR TO SPEAK TO YOU TONIGHT. 7 00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:28,611 >> IT'S VICE PRESIDENT PENCE! 8 00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:31,156 WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THIS NEIGHBORHOOD? 9 00:00:31,239 --> 00:00:32,157 >> WE'RE GOING TO STAY WITH YOU. 10 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:32,949 >> SO JUST YOU? 11 00:00:33,032 --> 00:00:36,202 >> IN ADDITION, MY WIFE AND KIDS. 12 00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:37,328 >> ANYONE ELSE? 13 00:00:37,412 --> 00:00:38,121 >> THE PERSON WHO SHAPED MY LIFE THE MOST IS ALSO WITH US 14 00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:40,081 TONIGHT. 15 00:00:40,165 --> 00:00:40,415 >> WHO'S THAT? 16 00:00:40,498 --> 00:00:43,960 >> MY MOM. 17 00:00:44,043 --> 00:00:44,627 >> OH, THAT'S QUITE A CREW. 18 00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:47,756 WE-- WE JUST HAVE THE ONE COUCH. 19 00:00:47,839 --> 00:00:48,506 >> I HUMBLY ACCEPT. 20 00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:49,090 >> LET ME JUST ASK MY BETTER HALF. 21 00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:52,093 JIM! 22 00:00:52,177 --> 00:00:53,344 >> MOTHER, RUN. 23 00:00:56,014 --> 00:00:56,639 >> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 24 00:00:56,723 --> 00:01:08,276 TONIGHT: PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES 25 00:01:08,359 --> 00:01:11,237 BILLY CRYSTAL AND REPRESENTATIVE JACKIE SPEIER 26 00:01:11,321 --> 00:01:13,656 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 27 00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:14,949 AND NOW, LIVE oN TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE 28 00:01:15,033 --> 00:01:24,000 BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 29 00:01:24,083 --> 00:01:26,336 >> Stephen: OH, HEY, THERE, EVERYBODY! 30 00:01:26,419 --> 00:01:30,215 WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW." 31 00:01:30,298 --> 00:01:31,382 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 32 00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:35,637 BRINGING YOU THE SHOW TONIGHT FROM THE DIAROMA, THAT WE'RE 33 00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:38,348 SUBMITTING FOR OUR EIGHTH GRADE SCIENCE PROJECT. 34 00:01:38,431 --> 00:01:42,352 I HOPE WE GOT A GOOD GRADE. 35 00:01:42,435 --> 00:01:47,899 WHEN WE FINALLY GET OUT OF THIS PANDEMIC, THERE WILL BE SOME 36 00:01:47,982 --> 00:01:49,275 PHRASES I NEVER REALLY WANT TO HEAR AGAIN. 37 00:01:49,359 --> 00:01:50,527 LIKE "SOCIAL DISTANCING" OR "GRIM MILESTONE" OR "ZOOM HAPPY 38 00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:52,821 HOUR." 39 00:01:52,904 --> 00:01:53,196 IT'S EITHER ZOOM OR HAPPY. 40 00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:56,199 PICK A SIDE. 41 00:01:56,282 --> 00:01:58,409 BUT WE'RE STILL A LONG WAY FROM TUNNELING UP TO THE SUNSHINE, 42 00:01:58,493 --> 00:02:02,455 BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THE GLOBAL TALLY OF CONFIRMED CORONAVIRUS 43 00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:06,417 CASES PASSED 100 MILLION, WITH ALMOST A QUARTER OCCURRING IN 44 00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:09,003 THE UNITED STATES. 45 00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:11,005 WELL, HE DID DELIVER ON THAT "AMERICA FIRST" THING. 46 00:02:11,089 --> 00:02:14,467 WE JUST SHOULD HAVE ASKED WHAT CATEGORY IT WAS IN. 47 00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:18,471 BUT IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT WE HAVE 4% 48 00:02:18,555 --> 00:02:21,599 OF THE WORLD'S POPULATION AND 25% OF THE CASES BECAUSE THE 49 00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:26,396 PREVIOUS DOOFUS-IN-CHIEF CALLED CONCERNS OVER THE VIRUS A HOAX, 50 00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:28,731 PROMOTED QUACK CURES, AND MOCKED PEOPLE FOR WEARING MASKS. 51 00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:31,025 IT WAS THE WORST PUBLIC HEALTH MESSAGE SINCE THE 1929s: 52 00:02:31,109 --> 00:02:38,408 PRESIDENT HOOVER SAYS, "DON'T BE AFRAID OF SYPHILIS, PARD'NER! 53 00:02:38,491 --> 00:02:39,742 REAL COWBOYS RIDE BAREBACK." 54 00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:43,621 HOOVER, FAR MORE SEX-POSITIVE THAN I REMEMBER! 55 00:02:43,705 --> 00:02:46,416 BUT THERE'S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN, AND I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON 56 00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:50,420 HIS PLANS IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF "CATCH A THIRD WAVE: 57 00:02:50,503 --> 00:02:51,421 ENDLESS BUMMER." 58 00:02:51,504 --> 00:03:01,556 ♪ DON'T WEAR YOUR MASK ♪ DON'T WASH YOUR HANDS 59 00:03:01,639 --> 00:03:06,519 ♪ DON'T AWARE YOUR MASK DON'T WASH YOUR HANDS 60 00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:10,481 ♪ DON'T WEAR YOUR MASK ♪ DON'T WASH YOUR HANDS 61 00:03:10,565 --> 00:03:14,485 ♪ DON'T WEAR YOUR MASK. 62 00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:18,072 NAILED IT! 63 00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:21,409 JUST CALL ME COVID VAN BEETHOVEN. 64 00:03:21,492 --> 00:03:23,369 WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! 65 00:03:23,453 --> 00:03:25,121 WHY DID YOU GET THAT THING? 66 00:03:25,204 --> 00:03:27,081 IS THAT A CATAPULT? 67 00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:28,124 >> Stephen: YES. 68 00:03:28,207 --> 00:03:30,168 >> OKAY, OKAY! 69 00:03:30,251 --> 00:03:31,377 ( LAUGHTER ). 70 00:03:31,461 --> 00:03:33,630 >> Stephen: I WANT TO KNOW HOW MUCH OF TONIGHT'S BUDGET WENT 71 00:03:33,713 --> 00:03:42,347 INTO CONSTRUCTING THIS CATAPULT AND THEM SEND THAT MAN A BOX OF 72 00:03:42,430 --> 00:03:43,473 STEAKS. 73 00:03:43,556 --> 00:03:45,808 YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN ANNOUNCED A DRAMATIC CHANGE TO 74 00:03:45,892 --> 00:03:48,311 AMERICA'S COVID PLAN: THERE IS ONE. 75 00:03:48,394 --> 00:03:50,480 THE MOST EXCITING NEWS: THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS BUYING 76 00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:56,611 ENOUGH ADDITIONAL DOSES TO VACCINATE 300 MILLION AMERICANS 77 00:03:56,694 --> 00:03:58,529 BY THE END OF THE SUMMER. 78 00:03:58,613 --> 00:04:03,076 SO NEXT HALLOWEEN, THE HOT COSTUME IS GOING TO BE SEXY 79 00:04:03,159 --> 00:04:06,955 NORMAL PEOPLE SAYING HELLO. 80 00:04:07,038 --> 00:04:08,206 THEY'RE SEXY, BECAUSE THEY CAN SHAKE HANDS. 81 00:04:08,289 --> 00:04:10,583 BUT THAT'S NOT ALL. 82 00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:12,502 BIDEN ALSO PROMISED STATES THAT THE TOTAL AMOUNT OF VACCINE 83 00:04:12,585 --> 00:04:14,545 THEY'RE GETTING WILL RISE FROM 8.6 MILLION TO AT LEAST 10 84 00:04:14,629 --> 00:04:22,595 MILLION A WEEK STARTING NEXT WEEK. 85 00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:31,020 THAT MEANS FEBRUARY 2nd, NEXT WEEK, GROUNDHOG'S DAY, 86 00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:33,231 PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL WILL COME OUT OF HIS BURROW AND GET 87 00:04:33,314 --> 00:04:34,190 VACCINATED! 88 00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:36,859 NOW HE CAN BE WITHIN SIX FEET OF HIS SHADOW. 89 00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:38,528 GETTING MORE VACCINES IS GREAT, BUT WE REALLY NEED TO RE-EXAMINE 90 00:04:38,611 --> 00:04:41,489 THE WAY WE GIVE THEM OUT, ESPECIALLY IN PHILADELPHIA, 91 00:04:41,572 --> 00:04:43,157 WHERE THEY MADE THE OOPS-A-DAISY OF LETTING COLLEGE KIDS 92 00:04:43,241 --> 00:04:45,535 DISTRIBUTE VACCINES, AND THE RESULT WAS A DISASTER. 93 00:04:45,618 --> 00:04:46,661 WELL, YEAH! 94 00:04:46,744 --> 00:04:49,580 THE ONLY THING COLLEGE KIDS ARE GOOD AT DISTRIBUTING ARE 95 00:04:49,664 --> 00:04:53,418 ULTIMATE FRISBEE SIGN-UP SHEETS AND H.P.V. 96 00:04:53,501 --> 00:04:56,462 APPARENTLY, THE CITY CONTRACTED OUT THEIR VACCINE OVERSIGHT TO A 97 00:04:56,546 --> 00:05:00,341 STARTUP CALLED "PHILLY FIGHTING COVID," RUN BY A 22-YEAR-OLD 98 00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:04,887 C.E.O., WHOSE RESUME INCLUDED TEACHING A HIGH SCHOOL FILM 99 00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:06,597 CLASS, PRODUCING VIDEOS OF PEOPLE LONGBOARDING, AND 100 00:05:06,681 --> 00:05:07,890 PRACTICING PARKOUR. 101 00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:10,601 SO HE'S NOT QUALIFIED TO MANAGE HEALTHCARE, BUT HE IS QUALIFIED 102 00:05:10,685 --> 00:05:13,229 TO DATE YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND. 103 00:05:13,312 --> 00:05:20,069 NO SURPRISE THINGS DID NOT GO SO WELL. 104 00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:22,613 LOCAL SENIORS WERE LEFT IN TEARS AFTER FINDING THAT APPOINTMENTS 105 00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:24,365 THEY'D MADE WOULDN'T BE HONORED. 106 00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:26,617 NOW, THIS MIGHT AFFECT THESE KIDS' CAREER PROSPECTS. 107 00:05:26,701 --> 00:05:34,625 ( AS INTERVIEWER ) "I SEE UNDER 'RECENT 108 00:05:34,709 --> 00:05:41,758 EXPERIENCE,' IT SAYS 'COMPLETE AND MAKING THE ELDERLY CRY. 109 00:05:41,841 --> 00:05:43,634 WELCOME TO FACEBOOK!" THAT WASN'T THE ONLY PROBLEM. 110 00:05:43,718 --> 00:05:46,596 WHILE THEY WERE WORKING ON VACCINE SIGN-UPS, THE GROUP 111 00:05:46,679 --> 00:05:50,058 SWITCHED TO A FOR-PROFIT MODEL AND ADDED A PRIVACY POLICY, 112 00:05:50,141 --> 00:05:55,855 ALLOWING IT TO SELL USERS' PERSONAL DATA. 113 00:05:55,938 --> 00:06:00,443 OKAY, BUT THEIR USE IRS ARE ALMOST ALL ELDERLY! 114 00:06:00,526 --> 00:06:01,444 WHO'S LOOKING BUY THAT USER DATA, BIG BUTTERSCOTCH? 115 00:06:01,527 --> 00:06:02,612 ARMCHAIR NAPS UNLIMITED? 116 00:06:02,695 --> 00:06:07,950 THE SHADOWY GLOBAL CARTEL THAT CONTROLS WALK-IN BATHTUBS? 117 00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:11,829 I WANT A WALK-IN BATH TUB, THE BY THE WAY. 118 00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:12,622 THOSE LOOK AWESOME. 119 00:06:12,705 --> 00:06:13,623 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 120 00:06:13,706 --> 00:06:16,334 DEEP ENOUGH TO DROWN IN. 121 00:06:16,417 --> 00:06:18,336 NOT ONLY WAS THIS STARTUP A MAJOR DISASTER, THE C.E.O. SUCKS 122 00:06:18,419 --> 00:06:21,339 MAJOR, BECAUSE, REPORTEDLY, HE PERSONALLY POCKETED VACCINE 123 00:06:21,422 --> 00:06:24,467 DOSES. 124 00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:31,307 NOW, WE ALL KNOW THEY NEED TO BE KEPT AT 90 BELOW ZERO. 125 00:06:31,390 --> 00:06:34,727 BUT I'M SURE THEY WERE SAFELY TRANSPORTED BETWEEN TWO ICE-COLD 126 00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:36,437 NATTY LIGHTS. 127 00:06:36,521 --> 00:06:38,689 NOW, FOLKS, WE'VE GOT A NEW PRESIDENT, AND ONE OF HIS 128 00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:41,984 BIGGEST JOBS IS CLEANING UP THE LAST ONE'S MESSES. 129 00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:44,153 SO YESTERDAY, BIDEN HAD HIS FIRST PHONE CALL WITH RUSSIAN 130 00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:45,613 PRESIDENT AND SPELLING BEE MODERATOR WARNING THE 131 00:06:45,696 --> 00:06:50,660 CONTESTANTS THAT ALL THE WORDS WILL BE "POLONIUM," VLADIMIR 132 00:06:50,743 --> 00:06:51,953 PUTIN. 133 00:06:52,036 --> 00:06:55,498 REPORTEDLY, BIDEN TOOK PUTIN TO TASK ON THE KREMLIN'S EFFORT TO 134 00:06:55,581 --> 00:06:57,458 INTERFERE IN U.S. ELECTIONS AND REPORTS THAT RUSSIA OFFERED 135 00:06:57,542 --> 00:07:01,838 BOUNTIES IN AFGHANISTAN TO KILL AMERICAN SOLDIERS. 136 00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:03,506 WOW! 137 00:07:03,589 --> 00:07:05,842 THAT-- THAT IS GOOD TO HEAR. 138 00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:07,176 I WONDER IF THERE'S A NAME FOR THAT KIND OF CONVERSATION WITH A 139 00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:09,846 RUSSIAN LEADER: >> PERFECT PHONE CALL. 140 00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:13,182 >> Stephen: THANK YOU, CITIZEN. 141 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:16,561 NOW, BIDEN TALKING TO PUTIN IS HUGE NEWS IN MANY WAYS, THE 142 00:07:16,644 --> 00:07:20,648 BIGGEST OF WHICH IS WE KNOW ABOUT IT! 143 00:07:20,731 --> 00:07:24,861 THE LAST PRESIDENT HID THE CONTENTS OF EVERY INTERACTION HE 144 00:07:24,944 --> 00:07:29,866 HAD WITH PUTIN, AND ONCE SAID "WHAT HAPPENS IN HIS PUTIN 145 00:07:29,949 --> 00:07:32,994 MEETINGS WAS 'NONE OF OUR BUSINESS,' HE TOOK POSSESSION OF 146 00:07:33,077 --> 00:07:34,954 THE NOTES OF HIS OWN INTERPRETER AND INSTRUCTED THE LINGUIST NOT 147 00:07:35,037 --> 00:07:37,874 TO DISCUSS WHAT HAD TRANSPIRED," AND EVEN "DESTROYED THE 148 00:07:37,957 --> 00:07:41,252 TRANSLATORS' NOTES AFTERWARDS." 149 00:07:41,335 --> 00:07:42,545 NOTHING SUSPICIOUS ABOUT THAT! 150 00:07:42,628 --> 00:07:45,214 IT'S JUST LIKE A HUSBAND SAYING, "HONEY, MY CORPORATE RETREAT WAS 151 00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:53,848 GREAT AND NOTHING HAPPENED WITH MY ASSISTANT JENNIFER. 152 00:07:53,931 --> 00:07:55,433 NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I DEACTIVATE MY INSTAGRAM, CHANGE 153 00:07:55,516 --> 00:07:56,601 MY NAME, AND GET A SHOT OF PENICILLIN." 154 00:07:56,684 --> 00:07:58,603 JOE BIDEN IS TAKING AMERICAN FOREIGN POLICY BACK TO WHAT I 155 00:07:58,686 --> 00:08:05,735 CAN ONLY DESCRIBE AS "AMERICAN" FOREIGN POLICY. 156 00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:06,569 AND I'LL TELL YOU MORE IN MY NEW SEGMENT, RETURNING TO... 157 00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:09,906 >> NORMS! 158 00:08:09,989 --> 00:08:20,750 >> Stephen: NOW, YOU MIGHT BE SAYING: THAT RIGHT THERE, 159 00:08:20,833 --> 00:08:22,043 "THAT'S NORM FROM 'CHEERS,' BUT WHO'S THE OTHER GUY?" 160 00:08:22,126 --> 00:08:25,421 THAT'S NORM WINER, THE FATHER OF BECCA WINER, ONE OF OUR WRITERS' 161 00:08:25,504 --> 00:08:26,672 ASSISTANTS. 162 00:08:26,756 --> 00:08:29,926 IT WAS VERY IMPORTANT THAT, FOR "NORMS," ONE OF THE NORMS BE A 163 00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:32,929 NORMAL NORM. 164 00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:36,933 NOW, IN THEIR CALL-- DID I EXPLAIN THAT? 165 00:08:37,016 --> 00:08:38,142 OKAY, GOOD. 166 00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:39,268 IN THEIR CALL, BIDEN ALSO TOOK PUTIN TO TASK FOR THE COMPUTER 167 00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:40,603 HACK OF OUR GOVERNMENT, AND PUTIN'S TREATMENT OF RUSSIAN 168 00:08:40,686 --> 00:08:45,942 OPPOSITION LEADER AND GUY WHO JUST GOT DUMPED AT A TURTLENECK 169 00:08:46,025 --> 00:08:48,945 FASHION SHOW, ALEXEI NAVALNY. 170 00:08:49,028 --> 00:08:50,446 NAVALNY WAS POISONED, WHICH MANY SUSPECT WAS AN ASSASSINATION 171 00:08:50,529 --> 00:08:53,783 ATTEMPT ORDERED BY THE KREMLIN. 172 00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:58,913 YES, THEY SUSPECT A GUY FAMOUS FOR KILLING POLITICAL OPPONENTS 173 00:08:58,996 --> 00:09:00,039 OF TRYING TO KILL HIS POLITICAL OPPONENT. 174 00:09:00,122 --> 00:09:02,083 IT'S PART OF THE NEW RUSSIAN EDITION OF THE CLASSIC BOARD 175 00:09:02,166 --> 00:09:04,961 GAME, "CLUE: PUTIN DID IT." 176 00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:06,212 HERE'S HOW THEY DID IT. 177 00:09:06,295 --> 00:09:12,301 REPORTEDLY, PUTIN'S ASSASSINS PLANTED A LETHAL NERVE AGENT IN 178 00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:13,302 NAVALNY'S UNDERPANTS. 179 00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:14,345 THEY TRIED TO KILL HIM WITH HIS TIGHTY WHITIES! 180 00:09:14,428 --> 00:09:17,974 THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR WEARING "FRUIT OF THE TOMB." 181 00:09:18,057 --> 00:09:21,978 NAVALNY RETURNED TO RUSSIA AND WAS MMEDIATELY JAILED, BUT THAT 182 00:09:22,061 --> 00:09:24,480 HAS NOT SILENCED HIM. 183 00:09:24,563 --> 00:09:25,982 RIGHT AFTER HIS ARREST, NAVALNY DROPPED A VIDEO ENTITLED 184 00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:33,990 "PUTIN'S PALACE," TYING PUTIN'S CORRUPTION TO HIS $1.3 BILLION 185 00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:35,658 PALACE. 186 00:09:35,741 --> 00:09:37,994 NOW, IT SOUNDS BAD FOR A GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL TO HAVE THAT 187 00:09:38,077 --> 00:09:39,662 KIND OF CASH, BUT REMEMBER, PUTIN SAVES A LOT OF MONEY ON 188 00:09:39,745 --> 00:09:41,998 SHIRTS. 189 00:09:42,081 --> 00:09:45,835 THE VIDEO GOT ALMOST 100 MILLION YOUTUBE VIEWS IN THE FIRST WEEK. 190 00:09:45,918 --> 00:09:49,213 AND IT SHOWS OVER-THE-TOP FEATURES LIKE THIS SPLENDIFEROUS 191 00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:53,342 THEATER WITH SPLIT-LEVEL VELVET BANQUETTE BOX SEATS. 192 00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:56,512 THAT WOULD BE A TOUGH ROOM TO PLAY. 193 00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,306 "HEY, DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE PRESIDENT WHO WAS SO GREAT 194 00:09:58,389 --> 00:10:01,976 THAT EVERYONE LOVED HIM? 195 00:10:02,059 --> 00:10:06,022 THAT'S MY TIME. 196 00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:09,233 PLEASE, TIP YOUR WAITER, AND THEN HUNT HIM FOR SPORT IN THE 197 00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:09,692 MORNING. 198 00:10:09,775 --> 00:10:11,736 IT'S CROSSBOWS." 199 00:10:11,819 --> 00:10:13,988 THE COMPOUND ALSO FEATURES AN ELABORATE HOOKAH BAR WITH A 200 00:10:14,071 --> 00:10:16,490 STAGE THAT HAS A RISING STRIPPER POLE, A LAVISH CASINO, AN 201 00:10:16,574 --> 00:10:18,034 OUTDOOR GREEK AMPHITHEATER, AND THIS GREEN MOUND THAT HOUSES AN 202 00:10:18,117 --> 00:10:21,454 UNDERGROUND HOCKEY RINK WITH ITS OWN HELIPADS. 203 00:10:21,537 --> 00:10:24,498 BECAUSE YOU CAN'T BE TRAVELING FROM YOUR PRIVATE OUTDOOR GREEK 204 00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:32,882 AMPHITHEATER TO YOUR SUBTERRANEAN HOCKEY RINK VIA 205 00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:34,050 HOVERCRAFT LIKE SOME ANIMAL. 206 00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:38,012 BUT HE IS REALLY "PUTIN" ON THE RITZ IN HIS INSANE PRIVATE 207 00:10:38,095 --> 00:10:42,391 APARTMENTS, WITH A MASSIVE FOUR-POSTER CANOPY BED, 208 00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:53,861 GOLD-COFFERED CEILINGS, AND TACKY GOLD MOLDINGS AND 209 00:10:53,944 --> 00:10:54,570 CHERUB SCULPTURES EVERYWHERE. 210 00:10:54,653 --> 00:10:55,738 YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUN? 211 00:10:55,821 --> 00:10:57,281 YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THAT HALFWAY THROUGH THAT, I JUST 212 00:10:57,365 --> 00:11:00,826 SWITCHED FROM SHOWING THE DICTATOR'S COMPOUND TO SHOWING 213 00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:02,078 OUR OLD PRESIDENT'S APARTMENT. 214 00:11:02,161 --> 00:11:05,247 BUT HE LIVED BY THE OLD SAYING: DECORATE FOR THE JOB YOU WANT. 215 00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:08,876 SPEAKING OF CORRUPT REGIMES, ONE FORMER ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL 216 00:11:08,959 --> 00:11:10,711 IS REALLY HAVING A TOUGH TIME, BECAUSE WE JUST LEARNED THAT 217 00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:13,214 MIKE PENCE IS HOMELESS. 218 00:11:13,297 --> 00:11:14,340 OH, THAT CAN'T BE PRETTY. 219 00:11:14,423 --> 00:11:16,384 ( AS PENCE, BUSKING ) "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE 220 00:11:16,467 --> 00:11:18,052 "F" TRAIN, IT IS SHOWTIME. 221 00:11:18,135 --> 00:11:22,056 HIT IT, MOTHER. 222 00:11:22,139 --> 00:11:24,266 A-5-6-7-8: OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN, PLEASE LET THESE PEOPLE 223 00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:27,895 BUY ONE OF OUR CANDY BAR. 224 00:11:27,978 --> 00:11:30,564 MOTHER, WORK THE POLE." 225 00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:35,820 AND SCENE. 226 00:11:35,903 --> 00:11:38,072 THE PROBLEM IS SINCE PENCE HAD FREE GOVERNMENT LODGING FOR THE 227 00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:39,949 LAST FOUR YEARS, THE EX-VEEP DOESN'T OWN A HOUSE. 228 00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:42,159 SO WHEN THE PENCES MOVED OUT OF THE VICE PRESIDENT'S RESIDENCE, 229 00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:45,996 THEY HAD NOWHERE TO GO. 230 00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:51,293 THAT'S HOW ALL-IN MIKE PENCE WAS WITH HIS DELUSIONAL BOSS. 231 00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:54,797 HE WAS SO DEVOTED TO THE LIE THAT THEY HAD BEATEN BIDEN, THAT 232 00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:58,926 HE MADE NO PLANS WHATSOEVER ON WHERE TO LIVE. 233 00:11:59,009 --> 00:11:59,969 THAT'S LIKE THE "TITANIC" GETTING RID OF ITS LIFEBOATS TO 234 00:12:00,052 --> 00:12:02,138 HAVE MORE HULL SPACE TO PAINT THE WORD "UNSINKABLE!" 235 00:12:02,221 --> 00:12:04,932 BUT THEY'RE NOT OUT ON THE STREET. 236 00:12:05,015 --> 00:12:10,146 THE PENCES ARE REPORTEDLY COUCH SURFING THEIR WAY THROUGH 237 00:12:10,229 --> 00:12:15,693 INDIANA, WHICH IS ALSO THE TITLE OF THE WORST BEACH BOYS ALBUM 238 00:12:15,776 --> 00:12:16,902 EVER. 239 00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:18,154 WHEN ASKED WHY HE WAS DOING THIS, PENCE HAD A SIMPLE ANSWER: 240 00:12:18,237 --> 00:12:19,822 >> I GOT NOWHERE ELSE TO GO! 241 00:12:19,905 --> 00:12:25,035 >> Stephen: HE LOOKS REALLY GOOD, LOOKS REALLY GOOD. 242 00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:26,287 LETTING A FRIEND CRASH ON YOUR COUCH IS NO BIG DEAL, UNTIL YOU 243 00:12:26,370 --> 00:12:28,747 CONSIDER THAT THE PENCES STILL HAVE SECRET SERVICE PROTECTION. 244 00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:32,001 "THANKS SO MUCH FOR YOUR HOSPITALITY, STEVE, BUT, SORRY, 245 00:12:32,084 --> 00:12:34,128 BEFORE YOU ENTER THE KITCHEN, YOU WILL HAVE TO BE CAVITY 246 00:12:34,211 --> 00:12:35,171 SEARCHED." 247 00:12:35,254 --> 00:12:38,132 BUT FINDING A PLACE TO STAY SHOULDN'T BE THAT HARD. 248 00:12:38,215 --> 00:12:40,009 I CAN THINK OF THOUSANDS OF GUYS WHO WANT TO HANG WITH MIKE 249 00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:44,763 PNCE. 250 00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:45,431 RIGHT, FELLAS? 251 00:12:45,514 --> 00:12:47,683 >> HANG MIKE PENCE! 252 00:12:47,766 --> 00:12:49,435 HANG MIKE PENCE! 253 00:12:49,518 --> 00:12:50,895 HANG MIKE PENCE! 254 00:12:50,978 --> 00:12:52,813 HANG MIKE PENCE! 255 00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:53,814 >> Stephen: CLOSE ENOUGH. 256 00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:55,858 PENCE ISN'T THE ONLY PRESIDENTIAL LACKEY HAVING A 257 00:12:55,941 --> 00:12:59,528 BIT OF A TOUGH TIME. 258 00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:01,489 SO IS MYPILLOW FOUNDER, MIKE LINDELL, SEEN HERE 259 00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:04,325 INAPPROPRIATELY TOUCHING AN EMPLOYEE. 260 00:13:04,408 --> 00:13:05,701 LINDELL HAS SPENT THE PAST FEW MONTHS PEDDLING DEBUNKED 261 00:13:05,784 --> 00:13:09,497 CONSPIRACY THEORIES ABOUT VOTER FRAUD, URGING THE LAST 262 00:13:09,580 --> 00:13:13,501 ADMINISTRATION TO IMPOSE MARTIAL LAW TO REMAIN IN OFFICE, AND 263 00:13:13,584 --> 00:13:17,713 HAVING THE MYPILLOW SITE OFFER DISCOUNT CODES LIKE "QANON." 264 00:13:17,796 --> 00:13:21,509 I GUESS LINDELL THOUGHT BETRAYING YOUR COUNTRYWOULD PAY 265 00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:23,719 OFF. 266 00:13:23,802 --> 00:13:25,262 REMINDS ME OF WHEN BENEDICT ARNOLD SOLD US OUT TO THE 267 00:13:25,346 --> 00:13:29,433 BRITISH TO GET 15% OFF A SET OF SHAKE WEIGHTS. 268 00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:33,103 LAST WEEK, J.C. PENNEY DROPPED MYPILLOW, ALONG WITH KOHL'S AND 269 00:13:33,187 --> 00:13:33,938 BED BATH & BEYOND. 270 00:13:34,021 --> 00:13:38,400 AND, YESTERDAY, TWITTER BANNED LINDELL. 271 00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:39,568 OH, THAT'S NICE-- NO MORE FASCIST CONSPIRACIES TO 272 00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:41,445 DISTRACT YOU FROM THE TOXIC MISOGYNY. 273 00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:45,491 BUT WITH MYPILLOW IN TROUBLE, THERE'S AN OPENING IN THE MARKET 274 00:13:45,574 --> 00:13:47,910 FOR CONSPIRACY-SPREADING, AS-SEEN-ON-TV PRODUCTS. 275 00:13:47,993 --> 00:13:52,456 AND ONE COMPANY IS TAKING ADVANTAGE WITH THIS NEW AD: 276 00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:53,666 >> EGGS! 277 00:13:53,749 --> 00:13:56,627 THEY'RE IMPOSSIBLE-- HOLDING THEM, CRACKING THEM, MAKING THEM 278 00:13:56,710 --> 00:13:57,586 HOT. 279 00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:00,297 BUT NOT ANYMORE, THANKS TO THE EGG WHIZZARD! 280 00:14:00,381 --> 00:14:03,217 THE EGG WHIZZARD MAKES PERFECT EGGS EVERY TIME, AND IT'S THE 281 00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:05,553 ONLY KITCHEN PRODUCT GUARANTEED TO FIGHT THE SECRET CABAL OF 282 00:14:05,636 --> 00:14:09,265 SATAN-WORSHIPPING CANNIBALS WHO CONTROL OUR WATER SUPPLY! 283 00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:09,765 NO MORE MESSY COUNTERS! 284 00:14:09,848 --> 00:14:11,475 NO MORE SLOPPY PLATES! 285 00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:14,270 NO MORE GEORGE SOROS LIZARD MEN. 286 00:14:14,353 --> 00:14:16,772 THE EGG WHIZZARD MAKES EGGS EASY! 287 00:14:16,855 --> 00:14:20,818 AS EASY AS IT WAS FOR MR. ROGERS TO FAKE HIS OWN DEATH AND LIVE 288 00:14:20,901 --> 00:14:24,321 UNDER AN ASSUMED NAME IN CUBA UNTIL HE RECEIVES THE SIGNAL TO 289 00:14:24,405 --> 00:14:25,698 RETURN AT THE HEAD OF AN ARMY OF CHILD PATRIOTS AND ARREST BO AND 290 00:14:25,781 --> 00:14:29,493 SUNNY OBAMA! 291 00:14:29,577 --> 00:14:30,744 >> WHEN I TRIED THE EGG WHIZZARD, I THOUGHT, THERE'S NO 292 00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:33,289 WAY A SINGLE PRODUCT CAN MAKE GREAT OMELETS, FLUFFY MERINGUES, 293 00:14:33,372 --> 00:14:35,291 AND STOP THE TRILATERAL COMMISSION FROM USING ikea.com 294 00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:40,421 TO PLANT D.N.A.-GATHERING DEVICES IN OUR FURNITURE SO THAT 295 00:14:40,504 --> 00:14:41,505 OPRAH CAN CLONE US FOR ORGAN MEAT. 296 00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:45,175 BUT IT CAN! 297 00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:45,968 >> ORDER NOW WITH PROMO CODE "THE GATHERING IS NIGH," AND 298 00:14:46,051 --> 00:14:48,304 WE'LL THROW IN A FREE TOASTINATOR! 299 00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:49,430 YOU'LL LOVE THE WAY IT MAKES TOAST! 300 00:14:49,513 --> 00:14:52,057 BUT YOU KNOW WHO WON'T? 301 00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:53,309 THE SWARM OF SENTIENT CYBER HORNETS WHO CALL THEMSELVES 302 00:14:53,392 --> 00:14:56,979 "HILLARY CLINTON." 303 00:14:57,062 --> 00:14:58,772 >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 304 00:14:58,856 --> 00:15:01,483 MY GUESTS ARE BILLY CRYSTAL AND REPRESENTATIVE JACKIE SPEIER. 305 00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:04,778 STICK AROUND. 306 00:15:04,862 --> 00:15:06,822 ♪ ♪ ♪ 307 00:15:23,547 --> 00:15:34,016 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 308 00:15:34,099 --> 00:15:34,933 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, BACK BACK TO "A LATE SHOW." 309 00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:39,480 LET'S SAY HELLO TO MR. JON BATISTE. 310 00:15:39,563 --> 00:15:39,855 HELLO, JON. 311 00:15:39,938 --> 00:15:45,319 >> Jon: HELLO. 312 00:15:45,402 --> 00:15:47,404 >> Stephen: YOU TOOK THE WORDS RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH. 313 00:15:47,488 --> 00:15:48,906 I GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU. 314 00:15:48,989 --> 00:15:55,162 I HAVE LOST TRACK BECAUSE EASTER BEING A MOVABLE FEAST, WHEN IS 315 00:15:55,245 --> 00:15:56,997 MARDI GRAS? 316 00:15:57,081 --> 00:15:58,832 ARE WE CLOSE TO MARDI GRAS? 317 00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:00,084 WHEN IS IT ROLLING AROUND? 318 00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:01,919 >> Jon: YEAH, WE'RE TWO WEEKS AWAY, TWO WEEKS AWAY, GIVE OR 319 00:16:02,002 --> 00:16:04,088 TAKE A FEW DAYS. 320 00:16:04,171 --> 00:16:06,840 AND, YOU KNOW, WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO CELEBRATE THIS 321 00:16:06,924 --> 00:16:07,716 YEAR. 322 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:08,550 >> Stephen: IS THERE GOING TO BE ANYTHING. 323 00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:10,469 IS THERE GOING TO BE LIKE-- ANYTHING? 324 00:16:10,552 --> 00:16:12,221 >> Jon: THERE'S NOTHING. 325 00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:13,055 EVERYTHING IS ONLINE. 326 00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:14,223 MARDI GRAS ONLINE ( LAUGHS ). 327 00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:18,185 >> Stephen: HOW ABOUT A LITTLE MARDI GRAS MUSIC TO BRING US 328 00:16:18,268 --> 00:16:23,065 INTO THE NEXT ACT. 329 00:16:23,148 --> 00:16:31,615 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE, 330 00:16:31,699 --> 00:16:32,074 EVERYBODY. 331 00:16:32,157 --> 00:16:33,742 THANK YOU, JON. 332 00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:35,160 >> Stephen: HE IS AN EMMY AWARD-WINNING ACTOR, COMEDIAN, 333 00:16:35,244 --> 00:16:37,746 AND NINE-TIME HOST OF THE ACADEMY AWARDS. 334 00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:42,084 HE NOW STARS IN THE FILM "STANDING UP, FALLING DOWN." 335 00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:45,587 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO A LATE SHOW, BILLY CRYSTAL! 336 00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:46,213 HELLO, BILLY! 337 00:16:46,296 --> 00:16:46,839 GOOD TO SEE YOU. 338 00:16:46,922 --> 00:16:49,425 >> GOOD TO SEE YOU, STEPHEN. 339 00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:50,968 IT'S BEEN SO LONG. 340 00:16:51,051 --> 00:16:55,431 >> Stephen: IT REALLY HAS, THE LAST TIME WE TALKED, I THINK 341 00:16:55,514 --> 00:16:56,598 THERE WAS AN AUDIENCE. 342 00:16:56,682 --> 00:16:58,934 >> OH, MAN, I MISS THAT SO MUCH. 343 00:16:59,017 --> 00:17:04,606 YOU HAVE THE GREATEST AUDIENCES IN MY FAVORITE THEATER. 344 00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:08,736 THERE TWO GREAT STUDIOS, YOU, OF COURSE, AND 8-"H." 345 00:17:08,819 --> 00:17:12,448 I HAVE WARM FEELINGS FOR THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER BECAUSE THAT'S 346 00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:20,497 WHERE I MADE MY NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT ON THE "HOWARD 347 00:17:20,581 --> 00:17:21,290 COSELL" VARIETY SHOW. 348 00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:23,917 >> Stephen: I REMEMBER THAT, SURE! 349 00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:25,127 >> I'M SORRY YOU DO. 350 00:17:25,210 --> 00:17:26,378 >> Stephen: SURE. 351 00:17:26,462 --> 00:17:30,466 >> I LOVE YOUR THEATER, BECAUSE HERE'S A PICTURE, STEPHEN, OF 352 00:17:30,549 --> 00:17:31,967 THE MARQUEE FROM 1975. 353 00:17:32,050 --> 00:17:34,970 I'M GOING TO HOLD IT UP. 354 00:17:35,053 --> 00:17:36,054 >> Stephen: WOW! 355 00:17:36,138 --> 00:17:37,306 HOWARD COSELL. 356 00:17:37,389 --> 00:17:41,602 ROY CLARK, CHITA RIVERA, SENATOR KENNEDY, AND BILL CRYSTAL? 357 00:17:41,685 --> 00:17:44,271 WHO IS "BILL CRYSTAL"? 358 00:17:44,354 --> 00:17:51,069 >> THEY RAN OUT OF "Y"s, SO I WAS BILL FOR A LITTLE WHILE. 359 00:17:51,153 --> 00:17:53,030 AND HOWARD COSELL WAS THE HOST. 360 00:17:53,113 --> 00:17:55,157 >> Stephen: WHAT A LINEUP! 361 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,533 MY GOD. 362 00:17:56,617 --> 00:17:57,785 >> THERE WAS MORE. 363 00:17:57,868 --> 00:18:01,497 THERE WAS SHAMU THE KILLER WHALE WHO CAME LIVE FROM SAN DIEGO. 364 00:18:01,580 --> 00:18:04,458 I REMEMBER COMING INTO REHEARSAL, I WAS SO NERVOUS, AND 365 00:18:04,541 --> 00:18:07,669 HOWARD WAS SITTING IN THE FRONT ROW TALKING TO ONE OF THE 366 00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:10,047 PRODUCERS, WHO WAS ALAN KING, ACTUALLY. 367 00:18:10,130 --> 00:18:11,173 >> Stephen: WOW. 368 00:18:11,256 --> 00:18:14,134 >> AND HE'S YELLING AT HIM, "HOW CAN I INTERVIEW A WHALE! 369 00:18:14,218 --> 00:18:20,349 IT'S TOUGH ENOUGH TO TALK TO SONNY LISTON. 370 00:18:20,432 --> 00:18:23,477 I HAVE TO TALK TO A WHALE! 371 00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:24,228 >> Stephen: HOW ARE YOU HANDLING THE COVID, THE 372 00:18:24,311 --> 00:18:24,728 PANDEMIC? 373 00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:25,395 IT'S A STRANGE TIME. 374 00:18:25,479 --> 00:18:25,938 ARE YOU OKAY? 375 00:18:26,021 --> 00:18:28,190 >> I'M FINE, I'M FINE. 376 00:18:28,273 --> 00:18:32,194 IT'S BEEN A YEAR I HAVE NOT LEFT THIS SEAT, SO, BASICALLY, IT'S 377 00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:35,322 BEEN IN THIS ROOM, STAYING SAFE. 378 00:18:35,405 --> 00:18:41,745 THE OTHER DAY, I WAS VERY HAPPY TO GET MY FIRST DOSE OF THE 379 00:18:41,829 --> 00:18:42,496 MODERNA VACCINE. 380 00:18:42,579 --> 00:18:43,539 >> Stephen: OH, WOW, I'M JEALOUS. 381 00:18:43,622 --> 00:18:46,875 >> WELL, DON'T BE, I'M OLDER THAN YOU. 382 00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:52,214 ( LAUGHS ) AND IT WAS AT DODGER STADIUM 383 00:18:52,297 --> 00:18:53,215 WHERE WE GOT IT. 384 00:18:53,298 --> 00:18:57,553 IT WAS DEBRA BIRX BOBBLEHEAD NIGHT. 385 00:18:57,636 --> 00:18:58,512 THAT WAS FUN. 386 00:18:58,595 --> 00:19:01,557 I GOT THE INJECTION AND A SCARF, A FREE SCARF. 387 00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:03,892 >> Stephen: THAT'S NICE. 388 00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:08,272 >> AT LEAST THAT WAS GOOD BECAUSE IT WAS THE FIRST STEP TO 389 00:19:08,355 --> 00:19:10,232 HUGGING MY KIDS AND MY GRANDCHILDREN AGAIN. 390 00:19:10,315 --> 00:19:13,902 AND I DO HAVE A PREEXISTING UNDERLYING CONDITION, WHICH IS 391 00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:14,695 TERROR. 392 00:19:14,778 --> 00:19:16,572 SO THAT WAS GOOD THAT I GOT THAT. 393 00:19:16,655 --> 00:19:19,241 >> Stephen: HAVE YOU-- HAVE YOU KEPT YOURSELF BUSY? 394 00:19:19,324 --> 00:19:22,411 DO YOU HAVE INDOOR HOBBIES THAT YOU CAN ENGAGE IN? 395 00:19:22,494 --> 00:19:25,247 >> OH, YEAH, YEAH, NO, I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF WORK. 396 00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:30,043 PLUS I THINK I'M THE WORLD RECORD HOLDER FOR SAYING THE 397 00:19:30,127 --> 00:19:31,253 WORD "UNMUTE." 398 00:19:31,336 --> 00:19:36,216 I'VE BEEN DOING IT CONSTANTLY BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT OF RELATIVE 399 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,593 BHOZ TRY TO ZOOM. 400 00:19:37,676 --> 00:19:43,432 SO IT'S BEEN A LOT OF SEEING MY RELATIVES LOOKING AT ME ON A 401 00:19:43,515 --> 00:19:44,266 ZOOM GOING... 402 00:19:44,349 --> 00:19:49,021 ( NO AUDIO ) UNMUTE! 403 00:19:49,104 --> 00:19:51,106 UNCLE-- UNCLE CHUCK, UNMUTE! 404 00:19:51,189 --> 00:19:54,818 SO THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING. 405 00:19:54,902 --> 00:19:57,696 I DO "THE NEW YORK TIMES" CROSSWORD PUZZLE. 406 00:19:57,779 --> 00:19:58,238 I'M AT A RECORD PACE FOR MYSELF. 407 00:19:58,322 --> 00:20:01,158 I DO IT IN A WEEK NOW. 408 00:20:01,241 --> 00:20:02,451 BUT JUST THE DOWN WORDS. 409 00:20:02,534 --> 00:20:03,827 I JUST DO THE DOWN WORDS. 410 00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:05,829 >> Stephen: OH, INTERESTING, INTERESTING. 411 00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:09,833 I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU ABOUT "THE NEW YORK TIMES" CROSSWORD 412 00:20:09,917 --> 00:20:10,959 PUZZLE. 413 00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:12,961 I HAVE NOT HAD THE STORIED CAREER YOU HAVE, BUT I'VE BEEN 414 00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:14,129 DOING THIS FOR A WHILE. 415 00:20:14,212 --> 00:20:17,341 I STILL GET SUCH A THRILL IF SOMEBODY SAYS, "HEY, YOU WERE IN 416 00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:18,133 THE CROSSWORD." 417 00:20:18,216 --> 00:20:22,137 >> I WAS IN IT A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO. 418 00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:23,305 >> Stephen: IT'S A STRANGE THRILL. 419 00:20:23,388 --> 00:20:28,268 >> IT'S VERY ODD, BECAUSE YOU ALMOST FEEL LIKE YOU'RE DEAD. 420 00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:34,608 ( LAUGHING ) SO I FIND THAT I WORK OUT AS 421 00:20:34,691 --> 00:20:35,442 MUCH AS I CAN PHYSICALLY. 422 00:20:35,525 --> 00:20:37,986 I WAS A GOOD ATHLETE, AND I KEEP AT IT. 423 00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:43,867 I PLAY A LOT OF BASKETBALL, ONE ON ME, JUST ALONE. 424 00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:46,995 BECAUSE HERE'S-- WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, I WAS A PRETTY GOOD 425 00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:47,663 PLAYER. 426 00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:50,624 HERE'S A CARD THAT THE N.B.A. 427 00:20:50,707 --> 00:20:54,461 MADE FOR ME-- THAT'S MY HIGH SCHOOL YEAR BOOK PHOTOGRAPH. 428 00:20:54,544 --> 00:20:59,508 AND YOU SEE I HAVE A LITTLE SCAB ON MY KNEE? 429 00:20:59,591 --> 00:21:00,342 >> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH. 430 00:21:00,425 --> 00:21:01,301 >> THAT'S NOT FROM PLAYING. 431 00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:02,469 I TRIPPED IN THE LOCKER ROOM. 432 00:21:02,552 --> 00:21:07,849 BUT I KEPT IT IT FOR WHEN WE TOOK THE PICTURES SO IT LOOKED 433 00:21:07,933 --> 00:21:09,518 LIKE I PLAYED A LOT. 434 00:21:09,601 --> 00:21:12,187 >> Stephen: SPEAKING OF THE GAME, OBVIOUSLY YOU'RE A 435 00:21:12,270 --> 00:21:12,813 CLIPPERS FAN. 436 00:21:12,896 --> 00:21:13,522 >> YEAH, I'M A CLIPPERS FAN. 437 00:21:13,605 --> 00:21:15,941 AND THAT'S WHO I AM WHEN I PLAY. 438 00:21:16,024 --> 00:21:19,486 I PLAY ALL ALONE AND, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU WERE A KID-- BECAUSE I 439 00:21:19,569 --> 00:21:21,697 KNOW YOU'RE A GYM RAT, TOO. 440 00:21:21,780 --> 00:21:22,739 >> Stephen: SURE, SURE. 441 00:21:22,823 --> 00:21:25,659 YOU DON'T GET A BODY LIKE THIS WITHOUT DEDICATION. 442 00:21:25,742 --> 00:21:29,371 >> WHEN I WAS A KID IT WAS ALWAYS THE LAST 10 SECONDS, YOU 443 00:21:29,454 --> 00:21:31,915 KNOW, BEFORE THE CHAMPIONSHIP. 444 00:21:31,999 --> 00:21:32,708 10 SECONDS. 445 00:21:32,791 --> 00:21:35,210 BUT NOW, YOU KNOW, HEY, MAN, I'M 72. 446 00:21:35,293 --> 00:21:38,380 SO MY 10 SECONDS IS A LITTLE DIFFERENT. 447 00:21:38,463 --> 00:21:41,550 CRYSTAL'S GOT THE BALL, 10 SECONDS LEFT, HE GOES LEFT, HE 448 00:21:41,633 --> 00:21:44,886 GOES, RIGHT, HE GOES RIGHT-- WAIT A SECOND. 449 00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:46,013 HE'S WANDERING OFF. 450 00:21:46,096 --> 00:21:49,391 NINE SECONDS HE GOES TO HIS LEFT, HE GOES TO HIS RIGHT. 451 00:21:49,474 --> 00:21:50,726 EIGHT SECONDS! 452 00:21:50,809 --> 00:21:53,103 HE STOPS TO PEE! 453 00:21:53,186 --> 00:21:57,024 SEVEN, SIX, TWO PLAYERS HAVE HIM TRAPPED IN THE CORONER. 454 00:21:57,107 --> 00:21:59,693 THEE LIKES IT THEY'RE KEEPING HIM WORN. 455 00:21:59,776 --> 00:22:00,318 SIX, FIVE-- HE PEES AGAIN. 456 00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:03,530 TALK ABOUT A DOUBLE DRIBBLE. 457 00:22:03,613 --> 00:22:04,448 HE DROPS THE BALL, HE CAN'T STRAIGHTEN UP. 458 00:22:04,531 --> 00:22:07,034 THE BUZZER GOES OFF. 459 00:22:07,117 --> 00:22:09,453 THAT'S THE BUZZ TORE REMIND HIM TO TAKE HIS PILLS. 460 00:22:09,536 --> 00:22:10,454 HE SHOOT! 461 00:22:10,537 --> 00:22:11,413 HE SCORES! 462 00:22:11,496 --> 00:22:14,207 THEY PICK HIM UP AND CARRY HIM OFF THE FIELD. 463 00:22:14,291 --> 00:22:19,421 HE GRABS HIS NECK AND HE'S YELLING WHIPLASH! 464 00:22:19,504 --> 00:22:20,547 WHIPLASH. 465 00:22:20,630 --> 00:22:21,131 IN! 466 00:22:21,214 --> 00:22:22,090 THAT'S MY 10 ACADEMIES IS. 467 00:22:22,174 --> 00:22:23,091 I'M OUT OF BREATH. 468 00:22:23,175 --> 00:22:25,427 >> Stephen: THIS IS AN AMAZING PHOTO. 469 00:22:25,510 --> 00:22:31,266 THIS IS YOU AT THE STAPLES CENTER WITH AN AMAZING, AMAZING 470 00:22:31,349 --> 00:22:32,768 GUEST NEXT TO YOU RIGHT HERE. 471 00:22:32,851 --> 00:22:33,185 >> OH, YEAH. 472 00:22:33,268 --> 00:22:35,520 THAT WAS-- YEAH. 473 00:22:35,604 --> 00:22:38,607 THAT WAS SOCIALIST NIGHT AT THE STAPLES CENTER. 474 00:22:38,690 --> 00:22:41,777 >> Stephen: SURE, EVERYONE, EVERYONE HAS THE BALL 475 00:22:41,860 --> 00:22:44,988 ( LAUGHS ) THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE MEMES 476 00:22:45,072 --> 00:22:47,282 BECAUSE IT FITS. 477 00:22:47,365 --> 00:22:48,784 IT SEEMS PERFECTLY NATURAL. 478 00:22:48,867 --> 00:22:50,035 YOU'RE SITTING THE SAME WAY. 479 00:22:50,118 --> 00:22:53,163 >> WE'RE SITTING THE SAME WAY, AND HE'S GOT THE MITTENS AND THE 480 00:22:53,246 --> 00:22:56,166 COAT ON, AND IT WAS 90 DEGREES IN THERE. 481 00:22:56,249 --> 00:22:57,959 SO IT WAS PERFECT FOR A GUY HIS AGE, TOO. 482 00:22:58,043 --> 00:23:01,463 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT WHEN WE COME 483 00:23:01,546 --> 00:23:06,802 BACK, I WILL ASK BILLY ABOUT SOME OF HIS COMEDIC AND ACTING 484 00:23:06,885 --> 00:23:07,552 HEROES. 485 00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:09,387 SPOILER ALERT-- IT'S KARL REINER. 486 00:23:22,609 --> 00:23:28,990 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. 487 00:23:29,074 --> 00:23:30,492 WE'RE BACK WITH BILLY CRYSTAL. 488 00:23:30,575 --> 00:23:34,621 YOU'RE STARRING IN THE FILM "STANDING UP, FALLING DOWN," AND 489 00:23:34,704 --> 00:23:36,623 WHO DO YOU PLAY? 490 00:23:36,706 --> 00:23:39,626 AND WE HAVE A CLIP HERE WITH YOU-- WHAT'S THE YOUNG ACTOR 491 00:23:39,709 --> 00:23:41,837 PLAYING THE LEAD? 492 00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:43,338 >> HE'S GREAT. 493 00:23:43,421 --> 00:23:45,507 HIS NAME IS BEN SCHWARTZ. 494 00:23:45,590 --> 00:23:46,508 HE'S A WONDERFUL ACTOR. 495 00:23:46,591 --> 00:23:48,385 >> Stephen: IT'S YOU AND BEN SCHWARTZ IN A CHURCH. 496 00:23:48,468 --> 00:23:49,010 WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE? 497 00:23:49,094 --> 00:23:50,595 >> WE'RE GOING TO A FUNERAL. 498 00:23:50,679 --> 00:23:53,515 I AM HIS DERMATOLOGIST. 499 00:23:53,598 --> 00:23:57,561 I'M A HARD-DRINKING, POT-SMOKING DERMATOLOGIST, WHICH WAS HARD 500 00:23:57,644 --> 00:24:01,815 FOR ME BECAUSE I'M NOT A DERMATOLOGIST. 501 00:24:01,898 --> 00:24:03,233 AND THEY MEET AT THIS FUNERAL. 502 00:24:03,316 --> 00:24:05,318 THEY GO FOR DIFFERENT REASONS. 503 00:24:05,402 --> 00:24:09,614 BEN'S CHARACTER, SCOTT, GOES TO, THINKING HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND WILL 504 00:24:09,698 --> 00:24:10,866 BE THERE. 505 00:24:10,949 --> 00:24:14,661 AND I GO THINKING THAT MY SON, WHO I'M ESTRANGED FROM, WILL BE 506 00:24:14,744 --> 00:24:18,582 THERE, AND WE SEE EACH OTHER IN THE BACK OF THE CHURCH. 507 00:24:18,665 --> 00:24:22,669 >> Stephen: JIM. 508 00:24:22,752 --> 00:24:30,594 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> HEY, ROLLINS, RIGHT. 509 00:24:30,677 --> 00:24:31,887 ROLLINS, HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING? 510 00:24:31,970 --> 00:24:33,221 >> ARE YOU EVERYWHERE? 511 00:24:33,305 --> 00:24:34,222 >> I GET AROUND. 512 00:24:34,306 --> 00:24:37,559 WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 513 00:24:37,642 --> 00:24:42,063 >> HONESTLY, I DON'T EVEN KNOW. 514 00:24:42,147 --> 00:24:42,522 WOW. 515 00:24:42,606 --> 00:24:43,064 YOU KILLED RORY. 516 00:24:43,148 --> 00:24:44,274 >> I DIDN'T KILL RORY. 517 00:24:44,357 --> 00:24:45,400 >> THAT'S WHY YOU WERE STRESSED. 518 00:24:45,483 --> 00:24:47,068 >> WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 519 00:24:47,152 --> 00:24:50,697 >> YOU HAD YOUR HANDS ON HIS SHOULDER RIGHT BEFORE YOU 520 00:24:50,780 --> 00:24:51,239 STRANGLED HIM! 521 00:24:51,323 --> 00:24:53,575 >> HE DIED OF LEUKEMIA. 522 00:24:53,658 --> 00:24:55,577 >> ARE YOU HIGH? 523 00:24:55,660 --> 00:24:58,914 >> YEAH ( LAUGHS ) 524 00:24:58,997 --> 00:24:59,247 >> WOW. 525 00:24:59,331 --> 00:25:00,457 >> WOW. 526 00:25:00,540 --> 00:25:03,460 >> Stephen: NOW, YOU KNOW ME, YOU KNOW I KEEP MY FINGER ON THE 527 00:25:03,543 --> 00:25:07,464 PULSE OF THE ORCHAR BUZZ OUT THERE, AND THIS THING-- THIS 528 00:25:07,547 --> 00:25:11,259 OSCAR BUZZ IS HUMMING LIKE A REFRIGERATOR COIL AROUND YOU. 529 00:25:11,343 --> 00:25:13,553 WHAT-- WHAT-- WHO WAS YOUR ACTING HERO GROWING UP? 530 00:25:13,637 --> 00:25:16,932 WAS THERE SOMEBODY YOU WANTED TO MODEL YOURSELF AFTER? 531 00:25:17,015 --> 00:25:20,101 >> THERE WAS A LOT, BUT JACK LEMMON. 532 00:25:20,185 --> 00:25:23,104 >> Stephen: OF COURSE "THE APARTMENT" THE GREATEST OF ALL 533 00:25:23,188 --> 00:25:24,356 TIME. 534 00:25:24,439 --> 00:25:29,444 >> YEAH, BECAUSE WHAT I LOVED ABOUT MR. LEMON WAS HE COULD BE 535 00:25:29,527 --> 00:25:32,781 OUTRAGEOUSLY FUNNY "MR. ROBERTS," "SOME LIKE IT 536 00:25:32,864 --> 00:25:36,660 HOT," AND THEN HE COULD BREAK YOUR HEART, "THE APARTMENT," 537 00:25:36,743 --> 00:25:41,289 "DAYS OF WINE AND ROSES" "SAVE THE TIGER" 538 00:25:41,373 --> 00:25:44,960 WHEN I GOT THE SCRIPT, A SMALL MOVIE, "MY NAME IS MARTY," I 539 00:25:45,043 --> 00:25:48,964 DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A LAST NAME. 540 00:25:49,047 --> 00:25:50,757 TO ME IT WAS A JACK LEMMON KIND OF PART. 541 00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:54,761 AND THERE WAS ANOTHER GREAT ACTOR WHO I REALLY LOVED. 542 00:25:54,844 --> 00:25:57,180 HIS NAME WAS MIKIE ROONEY. 543 00:25:57,264 --> 00:25:58,348 >> Stephen: OF COURSE. 544 00:25:58,431 --> 00:26:02,978 PEOPLE FORGET ABOUT MIKIE ROONEY, HE WAS, AT ONE TIME, THE 545 00:26:03,061 --> 00:26:04,229 BIGGEST BOX OFFICE STAR IN THE WORLD. 546 00:26:04,312 --> 00:26:10,318 >> I THINK SEVEN YEARS IN A ROW HE WAS NUMBER ONE IN THE "ANDY 547 00:26:10,402 --> 00:26:10,902 HARDY" MOVIES. 548 00:26:10,986 --> 00:26:13,488 HE COULD DO EVERYTHING. 549 00:26:13,571 --> 00:26:14,322 HE COULD SING. 550 00:26:14,406 --> 00:26:14,948 HEBD DANCE. 551 00:26:15,031 --> 00:26:16,157 HE COULD PLAY INSTRUMENTS. 552 00:26:16,241 --> 00:26:20,870 HE WAS AN AMAZING TALENT AND AS HE GOT OLD ETHE PARTS GOT MORE 553 00:26:20,954 --> 00:26:22,122 INTERESTING FOR HIM. 554 00:26:22,205 --> 00:26:27,335 AND SO THE MOVIE I LOVE WAS "THE BLACK STALLION." 555 00:26:27,419 --> 00:26:30,213 >> Stephen: INCREDIBLE, THROWING IT AWAY, THROWING IT 556 00:26:30,297 --> 00:26:31,089 AWAY. 557 00:26:31,172 --> 00:26:32,257 >> EXACTLY, THREW IT AWAY, THREW IT AWAY. 558 00:26:32,340 --> 00:26:37,554 HE PLAYED AN AGING JOCKEY, AND I GOT TO INTERVIEW HIM AT AN 559 00:26:37,637 --> 00:26:40,682 "EVENING AT THE ACADEMY" WHERE THEY WERE CELEBRATING THE 560 00:26:40,765 --> 00:26:45,145 50th ANNIVERSARY OF "IT'S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD." 561 00:26:45,228 --> 00:26:51,860 AND ON STAGE WAS CARL REINER, JONATHAN WINTERS, AND MICKY, AND 562 00:26:51,943 --> 00:26:53,737 OTHER PEOPLE FROM THE MOVIE UPON I INTRODUCED HIM. 563 00:26:53,820 --> 00:26:55,697 HONESTLY, HE WAS IN A WHEELCHAIR. 564 00:26:55,780 --> 00:26:58,575 HE WAS 5'1", 5'2". 565 00:26:58,658 --> 00:26:59,743 I INTRODUCED HIM. 566 00:26:59,826 --> 00:27:03,496 HE ROLLED OUT, THEN GOT OUT OF THE CHAIR AND DID AN AMAZING 567 00:27:03,580 --> 00:27:05,707 TIME STEP, AND THEN SAT BACK DOWN. 568 00:27:05,790 --> 00:27:10,211 AND AFORESAID WE WERE TALKING, AND I TOLD HIM HOW MUCH I LOVED 569 00:27:10,295 --> 00:27:11,421 "THE BLACK STALLION." 570 00:27:11,504 --> 00:27:13,590 AND HE SAID, "YEAH, I WAITED A LONG TIME FOR THAT." 571 00:27:13,673 --> 00:27:17,719 HE SAID TO ME, "YOU WAIT AROUND, THOSE PARTS COME TO YOU. 572 00:27:17,802 --> 00:27:18,595 SO WAIT. 573 00:27:18,678 --> 00:27:22,599 YOU'RE GOING TO FIND AN AGING JOCKEY ROLE. 574 00:27:22,682 --> 00:27:23,600 IT WILL HAPPEN. 575 00:27:23,683 --> 00:27:24,768 IT WILL HAPPEN." 576 00:27:24,851 --> 00:27:29,731 SO THIS GUY MARTY WAS NOT A JOCKEY, BUT IT WAS A ROLE-- IT 577 00:27:29,814 --> 00:27:33,568 WAS A BLESSING TO GET A PART THAT I COULD JUST BE AND NOT, 578 00:27:33,651 --> 00:27:34,861 YOU KNOW, NOT REALLY HAVE TO DO TOO MUCH. 579 00:27:34,944 --> 00:27:37,155 I JUST LOVED THIS GUY. 580 00:27:37,238 --> 00:27:38,406 THAT WAS REALLY GOOD ADVICE. 581 00:27:38,490 --> 00:27:44,621 BECAUSE I THINK THE LONGER, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE AROUND, THE MORE IT 582 00:27:44,704 --> 00:27:46,039 INFORMS YOUR WORK. 583 00:27:46,122 --> 00:27:49,876 AND THEN IT-- I DON'T KNOW, I JUST FELT REALLY AT EASE PLAYING 584 00:27:49,959 --> 00:27:50,585 THIS GUY. 585 00:27:50,668 --> 00:27:52,253 >> Stephen: I HAVE TO ASK YOU-- 586 00:27:52,337 --> 00:27:56,091 >> IT'S NICE AFTER ALL THESE YEARS TO JUST FEEL LIKE, HEY, 587 00:27:56,174 --> 00:27:57,175 I'M GETTING-- I'M GETTING IT." 588 00:27:57,258 --> 00:28:00,220 >> Stephen: YOU'RE GOING-- YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE IT SOME 589 00:28:00,303 --> 00:28:00,720 DAY. 590 00:28:00,804 --> 00:28:01,513 I HAVE FAITH IN YOU. 591 00:28:01,596 --> 00:28:04,808 BUT I HAVE TO ASK ABOUT CARL REINER. 592 00:28:04,891 --> 00:28:10,438 OF ALL THAT GENERATION OF COMEDIANS OR COMIC WRITERS OR 593 00:28:10,522 --> 00:28:14,901 COMIC PRODUCERS, HE, TO ME-- I DON'T WANT TO SAY THE MOST 594 00:28:14,984 --> 00:28:15,902 ADMIRABLE, BUT HE WAS THE ONE I LOVED THE MOST. 595 00:28:15,985 --> 00:28:19,447 UNFORTUNATELY, I NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO MEET HIM. 596 00:28:19,531 --> 00:28:22,158 I MET MEL BUT I NEVER GOT TO MEET CARL. 597 00:28:22,242 --> 00:28:25,745 HOW THAT MAN DIED WITHOUT A KENNEDY CENTER HONOR, I DON'T 598 00:28:25,829 --> 00:28:26,371 KNOW. 599 00:28:26,454 --> 00:28:28,581 BUT WHAT DID HE MEAN TO YOU? 600 00:28:28,665 --> 00:28:29,666 BECAUSE HE WAS THE GREAT. 601 00:28:29,749 --> 00:28:30,917 >> HE WAS. 602 00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:36,464 HE WAS-- IF THERE WAS A CAREER TO ASPIRE TO FOR ME, IT WAS HIS. 603 00:28:36,548 --> 00:28:38,967 BECAUSE HE DID SO MANY THINGS. 604 00:28:39,050 --> 00:28:41,803 HE WAS A GREAT SKETCH█ç PLAYER. 605 00:28:41,886 --> 00:28:45,640 HE WAS A WONDERFUL WRITER, RIGHT UP UNTIL THE DAY HE PASSED AWAY 606 00:28:45,723 --> 00:28:47,100 HE WAS STILL WRITING. 607 00:28:47,183 --> 00:28:48,435 HE PRODUCED. 608 00:28:48,518 --> 00:28:50,937 CREATED "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW," WAS HILARIOUS IN IT. 609 00:28:51,020 --> 00:28:55,650 AND WHEN I FIRST SAW HIM, I WAS FIVE OR SIX YEARS OLD, AND HE 610 00:28:55,733 --> 00:29:01,656 MADE ME LAUGH WITH SID ON THAT AMAZING SHOW OF SHOWS, AND LATER 611 00:29:01,739 --> 00:29:02,866 ON "CAESAR'S HOUR." 612 00:29:02,949 --> 00:29:05,869 AND THEN WHEN HE WAS 98, AND I WAS WITH HIM ON HIS BIRTHDAY, HE 613 00:29:05,952 --> 00:29:06,995 MADE ME LAUGH. 614 00:29:07,078 --> 00:29:11,166 AND IN BETWEEN ALL THAT TIME, HE MADE EVERYBODY LAUGH. 615 00:29:11,249 --> 00:29:12,834 AND-- AND-- HE WAS AN UNCLE TO ME. 616 00:29:12,917 --> 00:29:15,003 AND MEL HAS BEEN THE SAME WAY. 617 00:29:15,086 --> 00:29:17,172 THAT'S ONE OF THE GREAT BLESSINGS. 618 00:29:17,255 --> 00:29:20,925 ROB IS MY DEAREST FRIEND, AND THEN CARL AND I HAD A WHOLE 619 00:29:21,009 --> 00:29:26,347 SEPARATE, WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP WHERE WE WOULD SPEAK AND TALK 620 00:29:26,431 --> 00:29:27,432 AND-- HE WAS JUST A GIANT. 621 00:29:27,515 --> 00:29:30,393 I MEAN, REALLY A GIANT. 622 00:29:30,477 --> 00:29:35,482 MY FAVORITE PHOTOGRAPH OF US TOGETHER, I MEAN "SHOW OF SHOWS" 623 00:29:35,565 --> 00:29:37,025 REALLY MADE ME WANT TO BE FUNNY. 624 00:29:37,108 --> 00:29:38,860 I MEAN, THERE WAS NOBODY FUNNIER ON SCREEN THAN SID. 625 00:29:38,943 --> 00:29:41,237 AND LOOK WHO WROTE THAT SHOW. 626 00:29:41,321 --> 00:29:42,947 THAT HUMOR WAS IN THERE. 627 00:29:43,031 --> 00:29:49,162 MEL AND NEIL SIMON AND LATER WOODY ALLEN AND LARRY GELBARTON. 628 00:29:49,245 --> 00:29:53,708 THIS IS A PICTURE BACKSTAGE AT THE VERY FIRST "COMIC RELIEF" 629 00:29:53,791 --> 00:29:57,003 THAT I DID WITH ROBYN AND WHOOPI AND ALL OF OUR FELLOW COMEDIANS. 630 00:29:57,086 --> 00:29:59,756 AND WE HONORED "SHOW OF SHOWS." 631 00:29:59,839 --> 00:30:01,216 >> Stephen: I GOT IT. 632 00:30:01,299 --> 00:30:02,342 WE SEE IT. 633 00:30:02,425 --> 00:30:08,556 >> THERE'S EMMA JEAN COKE ASID, ME HUGGING SID'S LEG. 634 00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:09,849 AND THERE'S CARL. 635 00:30:09,933 --> 00:30:13,186 THE REASON I'M HUGGING SID'S LEG WAS THEY DID A ROUTINE THAT YOU 636 00:30:13,269 --> 00:30:18,233 MAY REMEMBER, A SKETCH ON "THIS IS YOUR LIFE," THE RALPH EDWARDS 637 00:30:18,316 --> 00:30:19,400 "THIS IS YOUR LIFE." 638 00:30:19,484 --> 00:30:23,821 AND SID PLAYED A GUY WHO DIDN'T WANT HIS LIFE TO BE TOLD. 639 00:30:23,905 --> 00:30:31,788 SO HE WAS IN█ç A MISERABLE MOOD AND THEY PLAYED OUT UNCLE GOOPY 640 00:30:31,871 --> 00:30:35,625 AND HE CAN'T STOP CRYING, AND EVERY TIME HE SEES SID HE CRIED. 641 00:30:35,708 --> 00:30:37,085 AND HE JUMPED ON HIM. 642 00:30:37,168 --> 00:30:41,422 AND SID WAS SO STRONG, AND HE WAS ONID SID'S LEG AND HE 643 00:30:41,506 --> 00:30:43,049 DRAGGED HIM AROUND THE SET. 644 00:30:43,132 --> 00:30:44,259 I WAS FOUR OR FIVE. 645 00:30:44,342 --> 00:30:48,805 IT WAS BEDTIME, AND MY DAD WOULD COME IN FROM WORK AND I WOULD 646 00:30:48,888 --> 00:30:52,141 GRAB ON HIS LEG AND HE WOULD DRAG ME AROUND THE HOUSE AND PUT 647 00:30:52,225 --> 00:30:53,309 ME TO BED. 648 00:30:53,393 --> 00:30:56,771 WHEN I SAW THEM AND MET THEM ALL FOR THE FIRST TIME I JUST 649 00:30:56,854 --> 00:30:58,273 GRABBED SID'S LEG LIKE THAT. 650 00:30:58,356 --> 00:31:02,235 AND, YOU KNOW, IT WAS A CHANCE TO BE UNCLE GOOPY. 651 00:31:02,318 --> 00:31:03,611 THEY MEANT EVERYTHING TO ME. 652 00:31:03,695 --> 00:31:04,487 AND SID, SID WAS A GIANT. 653 00:31:04,571 --> 00:31:07,490 AND I GOT TO TALK WITH HIM SEVERAL TIMES. 654 00:31:07,574 --> 00:31:12,954 AND WHEN HE CAME TO SEE ME IN MY SHOW, IT WAS THE GREATEST, LIKE, 655 00:31:13,037 --> 00:31:14,122 REVERSAL. 656 00:31:14,205 --> 00:31:18,960 I MEAN, HE WAS THERE WATCHING ME, AND I WAS ON STAGE, YOU 657 00:31:19,043 --> 00:31:20,837 KNOW, REALLY BECAUSE OF HIM. 658 00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:24,966 IT WAS-- AND THE SAME WITH CARL. 659 00:31:25,049 --> 00:31:27,302 IT WAS-- I WAS VERY BLESSED. 660 00:31:27,385 --> 00:31:31,848 I WAS AT CARL'S BIRTHDAY, THE LAST ONE HE COULD HAVE BECAUSE 661 00:31:31,931 --> 00:31:33,933 OF THE PANDEMIC. 662 00:31:34,017 --> 00:31:35,143 IT WAS 98. 663 00:31:35,226 --> 00:31:39,147 AND HE BLOWS OUT HIS CANDLES AND HE MAKES A WISH, AND ROB SAID, 664 00:31:39,230 --> 00:31:41,024 "WHAT DID YOU WISH FOR, POP." 665 00:31:41,107 --> 00:31:43,026 AND HE SAID, ALL RIGHT, TRUMP, YOU'RE OUT OF HERE." 666 00:31:43,109 --> 00:31:47,780 AND IT WAS SO-- YOU KNOW, JUST AMAZING. 667 00:31:47,864 --> 00:31:49,991 I'VE JUST BEEN VERY BLESSED TO HAVE KNOWN HIM. 668 00:31:50,074 --> 00:31:52,869 >> Stephen: WELL, BILLY, THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE. 669 00:31:52,952 --> 00:31:54,912 I MEAN, IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO HAVE YOU ON. 670 00:31:54,996 --> 00:31:59,000 IT'S LIKE A VACATION BECAUSE YOU'RE-- YOU'RE THE BEST KIND OF 671 00:31:59,083 --> 00:32:00,168 GUEST. 672 00:32:00,251 --> 00:32:01,336 YOU'VE GOT A LOT TO SAY, AND WE LOVE HEARING YOU SAY IT. 673 00:32:01,419 --> 00:32:06,007 AND I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT WHAT THOSE PEOPLE, LIKE CARL AND 674 00:32:06,090 --> 00:32:11,262 MELAMINE TO YOU, YOU MEAN TO AN ENTIRE GENERATION OF COMEDIANS, 675 00:32:11,346 --> 00:32:18,227 LIKE ME, AND I WISH I COULD BE THERE TO GRAB YOUR LEG 676 00:32:18,311 --> 00:32:19,145 "STANDING UP, FALLING DOWN" IS AVAILABLE ON DEMAND NOW. 677 00:32:19,228 --> 00:32:20,188 BILLY CRYSTAL, EVERYBODY! 678 00:32:20,271 --> 00:32:27,945 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CONGRESSWOMAN JACKIE SPEIER. 679 00:32:34,994 --> 00:32:39,165 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, 680 00:32:39,248 --> 00:32:41,250 WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW." 681 00:32:41,334 --> 00:32:45,046 MY NEXT GUEST HAS SPENT 12 YEARS WORKING FOR CALIFORNIANS IN THE 682 00:32:45,129 --> 00:32:46,089 UNITED STATES HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES. 683 00:32:46,172 --> 00:32:49,926 PLEASE WELCOME CONGRESSWOMAN JACKIE SPEIER! 684 00:32:50,009 --> 00:32:51,386 IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 685 00:32:51,469 --> 00:32:53,054 >> IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU AS WELL. 686 00:32:53,137 --> 00:32:54,222 WELL. 687 00:32:54,305 --> 00:32:56,224 >> Stephen: I KNOW THERE IS SO MUCH TO BE DONE IN WASHINGTON, 688 00:32:56,307 --> 00:32:57,225 D.C. RIGHT NOW. 689 00:32:57,308 --> 00:33:01,229 YOU GUYS MUST HAVE YOUR HANDS FULL. 690 00:33:01,312 --> 00:33:03,064 THE FIRST THING I WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT, ONE WEEK AGO TODAY 691 00:33:03,147 --> 00:33:06,275 WAS THE INAUGURATION OF OUR NEW PRESIDENT. 692 00:33:06,359 --> 00:33:09,278 WHILE THERE WAS NO CROWD, WAS IT A JOYFUL OCCASION? 693 00:33:09,362 --> 00:33:15,284 DID YOU-- DID YOU FEEL THE IMPORT AND THE CHANGE OF THE 694 00:33:15,368 --> 00:33:16,536 TIDE? 695 00:33:16,619 --> 00:33:19,789 >> YOU KNOW, IT WAS A WONDERFUL OCCASION, BECAUSE THERE WAS A 696 00:33:19,872 --> 00:33:26,587 CALMNESS THAT HAD KIND OF TAKEN OVER THE ENTIRE GATHERING, AND 697 00:33:26,671 --> 00:33:31,259 THERE WAS-- THERE WAS SOME GIDDINESS. 698 00:33:31,342 --> 00:33:35,096 THERE WAS A LOT OF HAPPINESS, YES, AND THERE WAS JOY. 699 00:33:35,179 --> 00:33:39,475 >> Stephen: WELL, IT'S SOBERING TO THINK THAT THAT 700 00:33:39,559 --> 00:33:42,478 INAUGURATION TOOK PLACE IN ONE OF THE SPOTS ON CAPITOL HILL 701 00:33:42,562 --> 00:33:47,108 WHERE THERE WAS SUCH VIOLENCE AND SUCH CHAOS AND AN ATTEMPT TO 702 00:33:47,191 --> 00:33:51,279 OVERTURN A FREE AND FAIR ELECTION. 703 00:33:51,362 --> 00:33:54,157 YOU WERE THERE AT THE CAPITOL THAT DAY. 704 00:33:54,240 --> 00:33:58,953 WHAT WAS THAT EXPERIENCE LIKE FOR YOU, ESPECIALLY SOMEONE WHO 705 00:33:59,036 --> 00:34:03,124 PEOPLE MAY NOT KNOW, IN 1978, YOU WERE ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO 706 00:34:03,207 --> 00:34:10,256 WAS ATTACKED DOWN IN JONES TOWN BY CULT MEMBERS, AND YOUR BOSS, 707 00:34:10,339 --> 00:34:13,468 THEN-REPRESENTATIVE LEO RYAN, WAS KILLED. 708 00:34:13,551 --> 00:34:16,554 WHAT WENT THROUGH YOUR MIND WHEN YOU KNEW THAT PEOPLE BENT ON 709 00:34:16,637 --> 00:34:18,431 VIOLENCE WERE STORMING THE CAPITOL? 710 00:34:18,514 --> 00:34:23,770 >> I WAS SITTING IN THE HOUSE GALLERY, AND I SAW THE SPEAKER 711 00:34:23,853 --> 00:34:26,147 BEING ESCORTED OUT OF THE CHAMBER, AND SHE LOOKED A LITTLE 712 00:34:26,230 --> 00:34:27,190 DELIBERATE IN HER MOVEMENTS. 713 00:34:27,273 --> 00:34:30,276 BUT THAT'S NOT UNUSUAL FOR HER. 714 00:34:30,359 --> 00:34:35,198 AND THEN, THE WHIP AND MAJORITY LEADER WERE ESCORTED OUT. 715 00:34:35,281 --> 00:34:37,492 AND THEN I KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP. 716 00:34:37,575 --> 00:34:40,286 AND SHORTLY THEREAFTER, A CAPITOL POLICE OFFICER STOOD AT 717 00:34:40,369 --> 00:34:47,001 THE DAIS, AND SAID, "THE CAPITOL HAS BEEN BREACHED." 718 00:34:47,085 --> 00:34:49,295 AND WE THOUGHT OH, MY GOD. 719 00:34:49,378 --> 00:34:53,299 HE SAID, "STAY IN YOUR SEATS. 720 00:34:53,382 --> 00:34:55,218 WE'RE LOCKING ALL THE DOORS OF THE GALLERY." 721 00:34:55,301 --> 00:34:58,137 HE SAYS, "THERE IS A POUCH UNDER YOUR CHAIRS. 722 00:34:58,221 --> 00:35:00,848 PULL IT OUT." 723 00:35:00,932 --> 00:35:03,184 NOW, I'VE SAT IN THE CAPITOL GALLERY MANY TIMES, AND DIDN'T 724 00:35:03,267 --> 00:35:06,479 KNOW THAT THERE WERE POUCHES UNDERNEATH THE SEATS. 725 00:35:06,562 --> 00:35:08,815 SO I PULLED OUT THE POUCH, UNZIPPED IT. 726 00:35:08,898 --> 00:35:14,320 THERE WAS AN ALUMINUM PACKET, AND I TORE THAT OPEN, AND PULLED 727 00:35:14,403 --> 00:35:15,196 OUT A GAS MASK. 728 00:35:15,279 --> 00:35:19,534 AND THEN HE SAID, "DON'T PUT IT ON YET." 729 00:35:19,617 --> 00:35:23,246 AND THEN SHORTLY THEREAFTER, WE WERE ASKED TO MOVE ACROSS THE 730 00:35:23,329 --> 00:35:28,876 GALLERY TO THE OTHER SIDE, CROUCHING UNDERNEATH THE BRASS 731 00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:30,086 RAILINGS. 732 00:35:30,169 --> 00:35:33,005 AND WE GOT TO THE OTHER SIDE, AND THEN WE HEARD THE POUNDING 733 00:35:33,089 --> 00:35:37,510 ON THE CHAMBER DOORS, AND THE CAPITOL POLICE BROUGHT A HUGE 734 00:35:37,593 --> 00:35:40,179 PIECE OF FURNITURE OVER TO THE DOORS TO KEEP IT IN PLACE, AND 735 00:35:40,263 --> 00:35:47,270 THEN THEY DREW THEIR GUNS AT THE NOW-BROKEN GLASS ON THE DOORS. 736 00:35:47,353 --> 00:35:50,147 AND THEN WE WERE TOLD TO GET DOWN. 737 00:35:50,231 --> 00:35:59,407 SO I GOT DOWN ON THE MARBLE FLOOR, AND THEN I HEARD A SHOT. 738 00:35:59,490 --> 00:36:04,620 AND I PUT MY HEAD DOWN, AND I REMEMBER FEELING THE COLD MARBLE 739 00:36:04,704 --> 00:36:06,581 ON MY CHEEK. 740 00:36:06,664 --> 00:36:10,710 AND THERE WAS THIS SENSE OF RESIGNATION. 741 00:36:10,793 --> 00:36:18,593 HERE I WAS 42 YEARS LATER IN MY OWN COUNTRY, IN THE SACRED 742 00:36:18,676 --> 00:36:24,098 TEMPLE OF DEMOCRACY, AND I WAS FEARFUL THAT WE WERE GOING TO 743 00:36:24,181 --> 00:36:25,016 LOSE OUR LIVES. 744 00:36:25,099 --> 00:36:26,517 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK. 745 00:36:26,601 --> 00:36:29,186 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE CONGRESSWOMAN JACKIE SPEIER. 746 00:36:33,190 --> 00:36:44,201 ♪ ♪ ♪ 747 00:36:53,252 --> 00:36:57,757 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. 748 00:36:57,840 --> 00:37:00,843 WE'RE BACK WITH CONGRESSWOMAN JACKIE SPEIER. 749 00:37:00,927 --> 00:37:06,140 YOU YOURSELF IN THAT DAY IN 1978 WERE SHOT MULTIPLE TIMES. 750 00:37:06,223 --> 00:37:08,267 I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT THAT FEELING MUST HAVE BEEN TO GO 751 00:37:08,351 --> 00:37:12,521 THROUGH THIS EXPERIENCE AGAIN WITH THE FEAR FOR YOUR OWN LIFE. 752 00:37:12,605 --> 00:37:17,443 DO YOU SEE PARALLELS BETWEEN THE BEHAVIOR OF THOSE CULT MEMBERS 753 00:37:17,526 --> 00:37:19,320 OF JIM JONES AND THESE SUPPORTERS OF THE FORMER 754 00:37:19,403 --> 00:37:20,571 PRESIDENT WHO STORMED THE CAPITOL? 755 00:37:20,655 --> 00:37:26,953 DO YOU SEE ANY PARALLEL IN THEIR DEVOTION OR THEIR IRRATIONALITY? 756 00:37:27,036 --> 00:37:30,831 >> YOU KNOW, STEPHEN, I WROTE A BOOK TWO YEARS AGO, AND WENT ON 757 00:37:30,915 --> 00:37:31,999 A BOOK TOUR. 758 00:37:32,083 --> 00:37:36,295 AND AT EVERY SINGLE SPEECH, THE VERY FIRST QUESTION OR THE 759 00:37:36,379 --> 00:37:39,340 SECOND QUESTION WAS THAT, "ARE THERE PARALLELS BETWEEN DONALD 760 00:37:39,423 --> 00:37:43,052 TRUMP AND JIM JONES?" AND THE FIRST TIME I WAS ASKED 761 00:37:43,135 --> 00:37:46,847 THE QUESTION, I KIND OF RECOILED FROM IT, BECAUSE I THOUGHT, NO, 762 00:37:46,931 --> 00:37:51,519 THIS-- THIS-- YOU KNOW, THIS REALLY CAN'T BE THAT KIND OF A 763 00:37:51,602 --> 00:37:52,687 COMPARISON. 764 00:37:52,770 --> 00:37:56,399 YOU KNOW, JIM JONES TOOK 900 OF HIS CONGREGATION TO THEIR 765 00:37:56,482 --> 00:37:57,525 DEATHS. 766 00:37:57,608 --> 00:38:04,573 AND, YET, WHEN YOU RECOGNIZE WHAT HAPPENED ON JANUARY 6, 767 00:38:04,657 --> 00:38:09,245 PRESIDENT TRUMP TOLD HIS FOLLOWERS TO GO TO THE CAPITOL 768 00:38:09,328 --> 00:38:13,582 AND FIGHT, AND THAT WE WILL NOT TAKE BACK OUR COUNTRY WITH 769 00:38:13,666 --> 00:38:14,542 WEAKNESS. 770 00:38:14,625 --> 00:38:17,253 AND SO THEY STORMED THE CAPITOL AND BROKE IN. 771 00:38:17,336 --> 00:38:23,843 AND IF THEY HAD GUNS, IMAGINE THE DESTRUCTION, IMAGINE THE 772 00:38:23,926 --> 00:38:25,344 DEATHS, IMAGINE THE MAYHEM. 773 00:38:25,428 --> 00:38:31,058 AS IT TURNED OUT, YOU KNOW, THEY USED PIPES AND FIRE 774 00:38:31,142 --> 00:38:36,522 EXTINGUISHERS TO KILL A POLICE OFFICER AND INJURE MANY MORE. 775 00:38:36,605 --> 00:38:45,364 AND IT'S-- IT'S REALLY INDESCRIBABLE WHEN YOU REALIZE 776 00:38:45,448 --> 00:38:52,246 THAT OUR COUNTRY CAME THAT CLOSE TO LOSING THE DEMOCRACY. 777 00:38:52,329 --> 00:38:53,914 THIS INSURRECTION ALMOST SUCCEEDED. 778 00:38:53,998 --> 00:38:57,376 >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THOSE PEOPLE WHO SAY,█ç "WELL, H 779 00:38:57,460 --> 00:39:01,380 DIDN'T ACTUALLY SAY DO THIS EXACTLY," MUCH IN THE SAME WAY 780 00:39:01,464 --> 00:39:05,134 THAT CHARLIE MANSON DIDN'T ACTUALLY COMMIT THE MURDERS. 781 00:39:05,217 --> 00:39:06,385 HIS CULT MEMBERS DID. 782 00:39:06,469 --> 00:39:09,388 WHAT DO YOU SAY TO PEOPLE LIKE NIKI HALEY WHO THINK WE NEED TO, 783 00:39:09,472 --> 00:39:12,058 "GIVE THE MAN A BREAK AND MOVE ON." 784 00:39:12,141 --> 00:39:13,559 >> "GIVE THE MAN A BREAK." 785 00:39:13,642 --> 00:39:19,440 TELL THAT TO THE WIDOW OF THE POLICE OFFICER WHO DIED. 786 00:39:19,523 --> 00:39:26,614 TELL THAT TO THE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE, STAFF MEMBERS, WHO WERE 787 00:39:26,697 --> 00:39:29,408 SHIVERING IN CLOSET THROUGHOUT THE CAPITOL. 788 00:39:29,492 --> 00:39:36,290 THIS WAS AN ACT BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES TO INCITE 789 00:39:36,373 --> 00:39:37,458 AN INSURRECTION. 790 00:39:37,541 --> 00:39:42,963 AND TO SOMEHOW JUST, YOU KNOW, BRUSH IT AWAY AS IF IT'S NOT 791 00:39:43,047 --> 00:39:44,256 SIGNIFICANT. 792 00:39:44,340 --> 00:39:49,428 REMEMBER, THE REPUBLICANS FOR, I DON'T KNOW, THREE YEARS, BEAT UP 793 00:39:49,512 --> 00:39:51,472 HILLARY CLINTON BECAUSE OF BENGHAZI. 794 00:39:51,555 --> 00:39:56,143 AND YET, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO FORGET THAT WE ALMOST LOST 795 00:39:56,227 --> 00:39:58,312 DEMOCRACY TWO WEEKS AFTER THE FACT? 796 00:39:58,395 --> 00:40:00,147 >> Stephen: WELL, CONGRESSWOMAN, THANK YOU SO MUCH 797 00:40:00,231 --> 00:40:00,648 FOR BEING HERE. 798 00:40:00,731 --> 00:40:04,276 STAY SAFE, PLEASE. 799 00:40:04,360 --> 00:40:04,777 CONGRESSWOMAN JACKIE SPEIER, EVERYBODY! 800 00:40:04,860 --> 00:40:05,402 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 801 00:40:08,864 --> 00:40:10,032 LATE SHOW." 802 00:40:10,116 --> 00:40:16,831 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WHO GAVE ME THIS SWORD IN 2007! 803 00:40:16,914 --> 00:40:21,418 AND NEW YORK TIMES COLUMNIST CHARLES BLOW. 804 00:40:21,502 --> 00:40:24,672 WHO GAVE ME THIS GAVEL-- HE DIDN'T GIVE ME THE GAVEL? 805 00:40:24,755 --> 00:40:26,507 OKAY, GOOD NIGHT. 806 00:40:29,718 --> 00:40:29,760 Captioning sponsored by CBS Captioned by 807 00:40:30,719 --> 00:40:33,431 Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org