>> FOR THE SECOND TIME IN JUST OVER A YEAR, THE SENATE WILL
TRANSFORM INTO A PROVERBIAL COURTROOM TODAY FOR THE
IMPEACHMENT TRIAL OF FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP.
THIS TIME, THE CHAMBER WILL DETERMINE IF THE FORMER
PRESIDENT IS CULPABLE FOR INCITING THE INSURRECTION ON THE
CAPITOL ON JANUARY THE 6th.
>> IN THE IMPEACHMENT SYSTEM, DEMOCRACY IS REPRESENTED BY TWO
SEPARATE, YET EQUALLY IMPORTANT GROUPS: THE HOUSE, WHICH
IMPEACHES; AND THE SENATE, WHICH SEEMS OKAY WITH THE PRESIDENT
SENDING ANGRY MOBS TO MURDER THEM.
( DUN-DUN ) SORRY, WENT OFF FOR A BIT.
LET'S TAKE IT AGAIN.
IN THE IMPEACHMENT SYSTEM, DEMOCRACY IS THE HOUSE, WHICH
HAS A SOLID CASE; AND THE SENATE, WHICH SAYS YOU CAN'T
IMPEACH BECAUSE HE'S NOT IN OFFICE ANYMORE.
BUT THEY DID IMPEACH HIM WHILE HE WAS IN OFFICE.
( DUN-DUN ) WHOOPS, FLUBBED IT AGAIN.
LET'S GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY.
THOSE WHO ACCEPT FACT AS REALITY AND THOSE WHO BELIEVE IN JEWISH
SPACE LASERS.
( DUN-DUN ) NO, DO NOT DUN-DUN ME!
( DUN-DUN ) SCREW IT!
I QUIT!
I'M GOING TO WORK FOR "LAW & ORDER: FREE BRITNEY UNIT."
>> IN THE BRITNEY JUSTICE SYSTEM, IT'S TIME TO FREE
BRITNEY.
>> IT'S BRITNEY, BITCH.
( DUN-DUN ) ( DUN-DUN )
>> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
OOPS, IMPEACH HIM AGAIN.
PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES: JOHN OLIVER
AND MUSICAL GUEST, INGRID ANDRESS
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE oN TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE
BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
I HAVE A LOVELY-- LOVELY SIP OF MY COFFEE HERE UPON GET ALL
ZIPPED UP.
THERE YOU GO.
SOUND LOVES THAT, DON'T THEY?
DON'T THE SOUND GUYS LOVE THAT.
JUST WANT TO POINT OUT, ANYBODY SEEING ME WALKING DOWN THE
STREET TODAY-- THIS IS WHAT I WORE TO WORK TODAY.
THIS IS HOW LONG WE'VE BEEN RIDING TODAY.
BECAUSE WE WERE SHOCKED, RIGHT.
WE DID NOT KNOW HOW INTERESTING THIS DAY WAS GOING TO BE IN THAT
IT WAS FAR LESS BORING THAN WE THOUGHT.
BECAUSE HERE WE GO AGAIN, AGAIN.
BECAUSE IT'S DAY ONE OF THE SECOND IMPEACHMENT OF THE 45th
PRESIDENT.
I GOT THAT REALLY FEELING OF DEJA COUP.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN MY UNFORTUNATELY NECESSARY SEGMENT,
"DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH 2: GO FAST, WE'RE FURIOUS."
♪ ♪ ♪ >> HERE I AM A BIG, FAT, DUMB
BASTARD, AND I DID A HORRIBLE JOB!
A HORRIBLE JOB.
I DID HORRIBLE JOB" HERE I AM A BIG, FAT, DUMB
BASTARD, I DID A HORRIBLE JOB!
A HORRIBLE JOOOB!
HE DID A HORRIBLE JOOOB!
YEAH!
>> Stephen: I SMELL A HIT.
IT IS ONE YEAR AND FOUR DAYS SINCE WE FINISHED UP THE LAST
IMPEACHMENT TRIAL OF THE SAME PRESIDENT, FEBRUARY OF 2020.
OH, WE WERE SO YOUNG THEN.
I LONG FOR A SIMPLER TIME, WHEN PEOPLE HIDING FROM NAZIS AND NOT
LEAVING THEIR HOUSE FOR MONTHS WERE JUST THE PLOTS OF "JOJO
RABBIT" AND "PARASITE."
IN THE LEAD-UP TO THE TRIAL, REPUBLICANS WERE GRASPING AT
STRAWS TO JUSTIFY THEIR OPPOSITION TO IMPEACHMENT.
TAKE R.N.C. CHAIR AND WOMAN PRETENDING TO THINK,
RONNA McDANIEL.
YESTERDAY, McDANIEL TWEETED, "BIDEN SHOULD HEED LINCOLN'S
WORDS BY URGING DEMOCRATS IN THE SENATE TO ABANDON THEIR
POLITICAL GAME OF IMPEACHMENT."
NOT SURE YOU WANT TO BRING LINCOLN INTO THIS ONE, RONNA.
HE WAS NEVER A HUGE FAN OF YOUR FLAG.
BUT THE DUMBEST G.O.P. ARGUMENT AGAINST IMPEACHMENT MIGHT HAVE
COME FROM WISCONSIN SENATOR RON JOHNSON, SEEN HERE AFTER BEING
REMINDED TO BREATHE.
ON SUNDAY, JOHNSON SAID IMPEACHMENT MIGHT BE A SINISTER
DISTRACTION BY NANCY PELOSI.
>> YOU HAVE TO KIND OF ASK THE QUESTION, "WHAT IS THIS
IMPEACHMENT ALL ABOUT?" WE NOW KNOW THAT 45 REPUBLICAN
SENATORS BELIEVE IT'S UNCONSTITUTIONAL.
IS THIS ANOTHER DIVERSIONARY OPERATION?
IS THIS MEANT TO DEFLECT AWAY FROM POTENTIALLY WHAT THE
SPEAKER KNEW AND WHEN SHE KNEW IT?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'M SUSPICIOUS.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE!
IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!
PELOSI DID EVERYTHING SHE COULD TO GET BIDEN ELECTED, KNOWING
FULL WELL THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT WOULD FOMENT LIES
ABOUT HOW IT WAS RIGGED, CULMINATING IN A VIOLENT
INSURRECTION, HOWLING FOR HER BLOOD IN THE TEMPLE OF AMERICAN
DEMOCRACY, ALL SO SHE COULD HAVE HER PODIUM MOVED FOR FREE!
YOU YOU WIN THIS TIME, NANCY!
TODAY WAS BILLED AS "DRY LEGAL ARGUMENTS" OVER THE WORDING OF
IMPEACHMENT IN THE CONSTITUTION.
AND THE SENATORS SET ASIDE FOUR HOURS TO DEBATE THIS ISSUE.
IF YOUR CONSTITUTIONAL ARGUMENT LASTS LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS,
TRY HAVING SEX.
IT'S WAY MORE FUN.
BUT THE PROSECUTORS WENT STRAIGHT FOR THE HEART WITH A
DEVASTATING VIDEO PROVING THE PRESIDENT'S RALLY AND THE RIOT
AT THE CAPITOL WERE ONE AND THE SAME THING.
I WOULD PLAY IT FOR YOU, BUT IT IS VERY HARD TO WATCH.
YOU WOULD NEED A BOX OF KLEENEX-- IF NOT A PONCHO-- AND
PERHAPS EVEN A DIAPER.
IT WAS ESPECIALLY HARD TO WATCH FOR THE COWARDS IN THE SENATE,
LIKE FLORIDA SENATOR RICK SCOTT, WHO STUDIED PAPERS IN HIS LAP,
TAKING ONLY THE TINIEST GLIMPSES AT THE SCREEN TO HIS RIGHT.
AND ARKANSAS SENATOR TOM COTTON, WHO ALSO FOCUSED ON PAPERS IN
FRONT OF HIM INSTEAD OF ON THE IMAGES DEPICTING THE
INSURRECTION AT THE CAPITOL.
AND MARCO RUBIO DID THE SAME.
AND RAND PAUL, WHO INSTEAD OF WATCHING, LOOKED DOWN AT THE PAD
OF LINED PAPER IN HIS LAP, WHERE HE HAD ALREADY BEGUN DOODLING
WITH A PENCIL.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY GENTLEMEN: SEE NO EVIL, HEAR NO
EVIL MAKES YOU SEEM KIND OF EVIL.
I WONDER WHAT RAND PAUL WAS DOODLING INSTEAD OF LOOKING AT
THE VIDEO.
MAYBE A GAME OF HANGMAN?
LET'S SEE HOW CLOSE HE GOT.
MIKE-ENCE?
SO WITH THAT 13-MINUTE VIDEO, HOUSE MANAGERS BASICALLY PROVED
THEIR CASE: YOU CAN'T SEPARATE THE PRESIDENT'S RALLY FROM THE
VIOLENT ATTACK ANY MORE THAN YOU CAN SEPARATE GORILLA GLUE FROM
THAT LADY'S HAIR.
TODAY, 44 REPUBLICAN SENATORS VOTED THAT THE TRIAL WAS
UNCONSTITUTIONAL, BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO HAVE THIS TRIAL.
WELL, TOUGH NUTS.
THE COUNTRY IS LIKE A BAR, AND THE LAST PRESIDENT PUKED IN THE
BATHROOM.
SOMEBODY'S GOT TO CLEAN IT UP, OR WE CAN'T USE THE BATHROOM
ANYMORE.
OH, AND YOU'RE THE ONE WHO DECIDED TO BE A BUSBOY.
SO GRAB A MOP AND DO YOUR JOB.
AND IF YOU CAN'T FIND A MOP, USE RAND PAUL'S HAIR.
HOUSE MANAGER JAMIE RASKIN SPOKE ABOUT HOW DANGEROUS IT WOULD BE
FOR THE COUNTRY IF THE SENATE COULDN'T TRY FORMER PRESIDENTS.
>> THEIR ARGUMENT IS THAT IF YOU COMMIT AN IMPEACHABLE OFFENSE IN
YOUR LAST FEW WEEKS IN OFFICE, YOU DO IT WITH CONSTITUTIONAL
IMPUNITY.
YOU GET AWAY WITH IT.
THIS WOULD CREATE A BRAND-NEW JANUARY EXCEPTION TO THE
CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA-- A JANUARY
EXCEPTION.
>> Stephen: YES, A JANUARY EXCEPTION-- WHICH IS WHAT I CALL
IT WHEN I DO DRY JANUARY AND START DRINKING ON THE 7th
BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED ON THE 6th.
AND HE'S RIGHT.
IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE THAT FOR THEIR LAST MONTH IN OFFICE,
PRESIDENTS GET TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT.
IT'S LIKE IF, INSTEAD OF SENIOR SKIP DAY, HIGH SCHOOLS HAD
SENIOR STAB DAY.
MAYBE THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS ARE RIGHT.
MAYBE THE FOUNDING FATHERS DID WANT PRESIDENTS TO GET AWAY WITH
ANYTHING IN THE LAST PART OF THEIR TERM.
THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT THE "LAME DUCK."
BECAUSE THERE'S NO MORE DANGEROUS ANIMAL THAN A CORNERED
DUCK.
OH, THEY'LL PECK AT YOUR SHINS LIKE THEY WERE CRUSTY BAGUETTES.
AND WHEN IT CAME TO WHETHER THE PRESIDENT IS IMPEACHABLE AFTER
LEAVING OFFICE, RASKIN REACHED BACK TO THE EARLY DAYS OF THE
REPUBLIC.
>> THE TRUE RULE WAS STATED BY FORMER PRESIDENT JOHN QUINCY
ADAMS WHEN HE CATEGORICALLY DECLARED, "I HOLD MYSELF SO LONG
AS I HAVE THE BREATH OF LIFE IN MY BODY AMENABLE TO IMPEACHMENT
BY THE HOUSE FOR EVERYTHING I DID DURING THE TIME I HELD ANY
PUBLIC OFFICE."
>> Stephen: YES, INDEED.
THAT IS JOHN QUINCY ADAMS' SECOND MOST FAMOUS QUOTE AFTER,
"I'M NOT THE PAUL GIAMATTI ONE.
THAT'S MY DAD."
WHEN RASKIN WAS FINISHED, IMPEACHMENT MANAGER JOE NEGUSE
TOOK OVER, AND HE GAVE THE SENATORS A HISTORY LESSON.
>> IN 1797, ABOUT A DECADE AFTER OUR COUNTRY RATIFIED OUR
CONSTITUTION, THERE WAS A SENATOR FROM TENNESSEE BY THE
NAME OF WILLIAM BLUNT, WHO WAS CAUGHT CONSPIRING WITH THE
BRITISH TO TRY TO SELL FLORIDA AND LOUISIANA.
>> Stephen: FLORIDA AND LOUISIANA TO THE BRITISH?
THAT'S CRAZY.
REPUBLICANS KNOW A GREAT PRESIDENT OFFERS TO TRADE PUERTO
RICO FOR GREENLAND TO DENMARK.
NOW, KEEP IN MIND, THESE CONSTITUTIONAL ORIGINALISTS ARE
ARGUING THAT YOU CAN'T IMPEACH SOMEONE ONCE THEY'VE LEFT
OFFICE.
WELL, NEGUSE CURB-STOMPED THAT WITH THE FOUNDERS' OWN BOOTS.
>> FOUR DAYS LATER, THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
IMPEACHED HIM.
A DAY AFTER THAT, THIS BODY, THE UNITED STATES SENATE, EXPELLED
HIM FROM OFFICE, SO HE WAS VERY MUCH A FORMER OFFICIAL.
DESPITE THAT, THE HOUSE WENT FORWARD WITH ITS IMPEACHMENT,
PROCEEDING IN ORDER TO DISQUALIFY HIM FROM EVER AGAIN
HOLDING FEDERAL OFFICE.
AND SO THE SENATE PROCEEDED WITH THE TRIAL, WITH NONE OTHER THAN
THOMAS JEFFERSON PRESIDING.
>> Stephen: WOW.
JEFFERSON HIMSELF PRESIDED.
THAT'S GOING TO BE TOUGH FOR THE DEFENSE TO REFUTE.
IT'S LIKE T.J. SAID, "ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL, EXCEPT FOR
THE 45th PRESIDENT'S LEGAL TEAM.
WERE THEY KICKED IN THE HEAD BY A HORSE?"
AFTER THAT, WE HEARD FROM ANOTHER IMPEACHMENT MANAGER,
DAVID CICILLINI, WHO LAID A HARD TRUTH ON THE CROWD.
>> MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT, AS YOU THINK ABOUT THAT DAY, THINGS
COULD HAVE BEEN MUCH WORSE.
AS ONE SENATOR SAID, "THEY COULD HAVE KILLED ALL OF US."
>> Stephen: THAT IS CHILLING.
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THE DEFENSE'S REBUTTAL.
"OKAY, I SUPPOSE THEY COULD HAVE KILLED ALL OF US, BUT THEY
REALLY ONLY WANTED TO KILL YOU GUYS.
SO MOTION TO DISMISS?
ANYONE?
NO?
AFTER A SHORT RECESS, IT WAS TIME FOR BRUCE CASTOR, THE
PRESIDENT'S LAWYER, TO ARGUE ON HIS BEHALF.
>> MY NAME IS BRUCE CASTOR.
I AM THE LEAD PROSECUTOR-- LEAD COUNSEL FOR THE 45th PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES.
>> Stephen: ( AS CASTOR )
"I AM THE LEAD PROSECUTOR-- SORRY, THE DEFENSE-- HERE TO
PROVE THAT THE PRESIDENT IS GUILTY-- SORRY, INNOCENT-- AND
SHOULD BE SENT TO JAIL-- SORRY, TO MAR-A-LAGO!
WOW.
I GUESS FREUD'S MOM'S GOT MY PENIS-- I MEAN, MY CAT'S
TONGUE!" ( LAUGHTER )
CAT'S TONGUE!
BUT I'M NOT SURE WHICH SIDE CASTOR THOUGHT HE WAS ON, GIVEN
HOW IMPRESSED HE WAS BY THE HOUSE MANAGERS' CASE.
>> BEFORE I BEGIN, I WANT TO COMMENT ON THE OUTSTANDING
PRESENTATION FROM OUR OPPONENTS.
I'LL BE QUITE FRANK WITH YOU: WE CHANGED WHAT WE WERE GOING TO DO
ON ACCOUNT THAT WE THOUGHT THE HOUSE MANAGERS' PRESENTATION WAS
WELL DONE.
>> Stephen: ( AS CASTOR )
"AND, UH, WHEN IT-- WHEN IT TURNED OUT THE OTHER GUYS WERE
PREPARED, WE CALLED AN AUDIBLE AND DECIDED TO BE PREPARED
OURSELVES.
AND YOU ALL CAN IMAGINE HOW HARD OF A DECISION THAT WAS FOR US,
SINCE WE ARE, AGAIN, COMPLETELY UNPREPARED."
BUT I'LL GIVE CASTOR THIS: THE MAN CAN TALK.
AND TALK.
>> MY NAME IS BRUCE CASTOR.
I AM THE LEAD PROSECUTOR-- LEAD COUNSEL FOR THE 45th PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES.
I WAS ASSISTANT D.A. FOR SUCH A LONG TIME...
SENATORS OF THE UNITED STATES, THEY ARE NOT ORDINARY PEOPLE.
THERE ARE EXTRAORDINARY PEOPLE...
IT WAS HAPPENING IN ATHENS, AND IT WAS HAPPENING IN ROME...
"HE WHO WOULD TRADE LIBERTY FOR SOME TEMPORARY SECURITY DESERVE
NEITHER LIBERTY NOR SECURITY.
I WORKED IN THIS BUILDING 40 YEARS AGO.
I GOT LOST THEN, AND I STILL DO.
>> Stephen: I CAN TELL!
CASTOR WAS SO RAMBLING, THERE WERE TIMES IT SEEMED LIKE HIS
PLAN WAS TO PUT EVERYBODY TO SLEEP, THEN GRAB THE ARTICLES OF
IMPEACHMENT AND JUST TIPTOE OUT.
EVEN C-SPAN TRIED TO SAVE THEIR RATINGS BY SWITCHING TO LIVE
TESTIMONY FROM THE HOUSE SUBCOMMITTEE ON PAINT DRYING.
NOW, OCCASIONALLY, CASTOR STUMBLED ON AN ACTUAL POINT--
LIKE WHEN HE ARGUED IMPEACHMENT SHOULDN'T HAPPEN VERY MUCH.
>> UNTIL THE IMPEACHMENT OF BILL CLINTON, NO ONE ALIVE HAD EVER
LIVED THROUGH A PRESIDENTIAL IMPEACHMENT, NOT UNLESS SOME OF
YOU ARE 150 YEARS OLD.
NOT A SINGLE PERSON ALIVE HAD LIVED THROUGH A PRESIDENTIAL
IMPEACHMENT.
NOW MOST OF US HAVE LIVED THROUGH THREE OF THEM.
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE ULTIMATE SAFETY VALVE, THE LAST
THING THAT HAPPENS, THE MOST RARE TREATMENT.
>> Stephen: IDEALLY, YEAH, BUT IT'S NOT A REQUIREMENT FOR THEM
TO BE RARE.
THAT'S LIKE THE POLICE GOING, "WELL, PROSECUTING TRIPLE
HOMICIDES IS SUPPOSED TO BE A RARE OCCURRENCE.
WE HAD ONE LAST WEEK, SO LET'S CALL THESE THREE HEADLESS BODIES
AN OOPSY-DAISY."
COULD THEY HAVE BEEN SLEEPING ON A RAILROAD TRACK?
THEN WE GOT ANOTHER ONE OF THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS, DAVID
SCHOEN, WHO PLAYED "BAD COP" TO CASTOR'S "BAD LAWYER."
AND SOMEHOW, AFTER BEING LITERALLY ATTACKED BY A MOB,
SCHOEN ARGUED THAT THE REAL THREAT TO THE SENATE WAS THE
IMPEACHMENT HEARING ITSELF.
>> I CAN PROMISE YOU THAT IF THESE PROCEEDINGS GO FORWARD,
EVERYONE WILL LOOK BAD.
>> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S WHY WE OPEN WITH YOU CLOWNS.
IT MAKES EVERYONE ELSE LOOK GOOD BY COMPARISON.
SCHOEN TRIED TO DEFEND HIS CLIENT BY PLAYING A MONTAGE OF
DEMOCRATS SAYING THEY WANTED TO IMPEACH AS FAR BACK AS 2017.
UH, DAVE?
THAT'S NOT THE KNOCKOUT PUNCH YOU THINK IT IS.
( AS LAWYER ) "YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENT DID NOT
BURN DOWN THAT SCHOOL.
I PRESENT TO THE COURT THREE YEARS OF 911 CALLS SAYING HE'S
AN ARSONIST."
SCHOEN SEEMED AWARE THAT HE WAS GOING ON FOR A LONG TIME.
>> I KNOW THIS IS A LOT TO LISTEN TO AT ONCE, A LOT OF
WORDS, BUT WORDS ARE WHAT MAKE OUR CONSTITUTION, QUITE FRANKLY.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
WORDS?
YOU DID GO TO LAW SCHOOL.
( AS SCHOEN ) "OUR CONSTITUTION'S MADE OF
WORDS!
WEIRD WORDS, WHERE THE "S's" LOOK LIKE "F's", AND CAPITAL
LETTERS HAVE WEIRD FRILLS ON THE END, AND THE PAPER'S YELLOW AND
CRACKED FOR SOME REASON!
IT'S A SCARY DOCUMENT.
THERE'S A TREASURE MAP ON THE BACK.
THE DEFENSE RESTS."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT
MY GUEST IS JOHN OLIVER.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, HE'S THE HOST OF "LAST WEEK TONIGHT" ON HBO AND
A DELIGHTFUL HUMAN BEING.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW," MR. JOHN OLIVER!
JOHN OLIVER, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
THANK YOU FOR JOINING US FROM YOUR INTEL STERILE ROOM.
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE PROCESSING MICROCHIPS IN THERE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M BRINGING STRONG MIC TV FROM THE FIRST "CHARLIE AND THE
CHOCOLATE FACTORY" FILM ENERGY HERE.
>> Stephen: THAT IS VERY GOOD.
THIS IS YOUR 13th APPEARANCE.
CONGRATULATIONS.
>> WOW.
>> Stephen: LUCKY 13.
ONLY BERNIE SANDERS HAS APPEARED ON THE SHOW MORE THAN YOU.
>> THAT SEEMS ABOUT RIGHT.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE TIED WITH JOHN DICKERSON.
SO-- I DON'T KNOW-- >> WAIT, HOW IS JOHN DICKERSON
IN THE GROUP WITH THE THREE OF US?
I'LL TAKE SANDERS, SURE.
IT'S AN HONEST-- HOW IS JOHN DICKERSON APPEARING SO MUCH ON
YOUR SHOW, OTHER THAN THAT BEING-- RIGHT, IS THAT SINNER
GEE?
>> Stephen: IT'S CALLED CROSS-PLATFORM SYNERGY?
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
>> THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.
I LOVE IT?
>> CBS-PARAMOUNT.
PARAMOUNT-PLUS.DID YOU WATCH THE BOWL?
>> I DID, I DID WATCH IT, YEAH.
I WATCHED IT, YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND DID YOU HAVE ANY REACTION?
>> I MEAN, YOU KNOW, IT WAS A BOLD TING TO DO IT DURING A
PANDEMIC, DEFINITELY.
I HAD A FRIEND OF MINE TEXT ME FROM ENGLAND JUST SAYING, "I
DIDN'T KNOW THERE WERE GOING TO BE PEOPLE THERE WATCHING IT IN
THE STAND.
BUT THAT'S HAPPENING.
>> Stephen: 25,000 PEOPLE.
>> IT'S HAPPENING IN TAMPA IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD.
THE BIG TAKEAWAY FROM ME AND I WAS NOT AWARE OF THIS GOING IN--
I'M THE SAME AGE AS TOM BRADY.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
YOU'RE 43?
>> IT DOES NOT.
>> -- >> Stephen: MY GOODNESS.
I THOUGHT THE IRISH AGED QUICKLY.
COLLAGEN.
COLLAGEN SUPPLEMENTS AND UP, ALWAYS UP, JOHN, UP.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> A LOT OF PEOPLE FALL INTO TWO CAMPS RIGHT?
THERE IS ONE GROUP OF PEOPLE YOU TELL SOMEBODY AND THEY GO, "WOW,
YOU LOOK GREAT."
AND ANOTHER GROUP YOU TELL AND THEY GO, "OH, ( BLEEP )."
I THINK I'M IN CAMP TWO.
>> Stephen: A LITTLE BIT.
SO YOU SEE HIM OUT THERE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: DOES HE INSPIRE YOU TO GO VEGAN OR ONLY DRINK
ALPINE WATER?
>> DRINK AN AMOUNT OF WATER THAT IS TECHNICALLY DROWNING EVERY
DAY?
NOT REALLY.
HONESTLY WHAT, HIT ME EVEN HARDER, AND I KNEW THIS-- I
FOUND OUT LAST YEAR-- I AM THE EXACT SAME AGE TO THE DAY AS
JOHN CEENA.
>> Stephen: WOW.
>> WE WERE BORN ON THE EXACT SAME DAY, EXACT SAME YEAR, TWO
BABIES FROM DIFFERENT COUNTRIES WHO VERY MUCH BIOLOGICALLY CHOSE
TO GO IN TWO DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.
>> Stephen: JOHN CEENA LOOKS LIKE TOM BRADY ATE JOHN OLIVER.
>> IT'S AMAZING.
I THINK OF JOHN CEENA EVERY BIRTHDAY NOW, SPECIFICALLY
THINKING, I'M NOT JUST ONE STEP CLOSER TO DEATH.
I'M ABOUT 20 STEPS CLOSER TO DEATH THAN HE IS.
>> Stephen: LET'S-- LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR LOVE, AND THAT IS
WHAT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD CALLS FOOTBALL.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: FOOTBALL.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AND WHAT WE CALL SOCCER.
BEFORE WE GET INTO ACTUALLY THE WHYS AND THE WHEREVERS OF THE
GAME, AND YOUR FIRST LOVE, LIVERED POOL, LET'S TALK SNACKS.
WHO HAS BETTER GAME SNACKS, YOUR HOME COUNTRY, GREAT BRITAIN, OR
THE UNITED STATES?
LIKE WHAT-- WHAT GETS LAID OUT ON THE SPREAD AT HOME WHEN
YOU'RE WATCHING A FOOTBALL-- WHATEVER YOU CALL FOOTBALL?
>> WHEN WE'RE WATCHING OUR FOOTBALL, THE SPORT IS KIND OF
THE MAIN EVENT THERE, SO SNACKS AREN'T QUITE AS BIG A PART OF
IT.
SNACKS AND HALFTIME SHOWS AREN'T QUITE AS BIG A PART OF IT AS YOU
HAVE.
THERE'S NOT A KIND OF LOADED-- NO, YOU BASICALLY WATCH, AND IT
GETS YOUR FULL UNDIVIDED ATTENTION.
>> Stephen: SO YOU NEVER GET TO SEE MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY IN
2D.?
>> WE DON'T.
IF WE EVER GET TO EAT THERE'S A SAD HALF-PIE WE GET TO EAT.
>> Stephen: SOMETHING CALLED A PUDDING BUT IT'S HARD?
>> IT'S HEARTBREAKING.
THAT'S THE KIND OF FOOD YOU HAVE.
>> Stephen: AND YOU'RE THINKING-- THEY'RE CALLING IT A
MEAT PIE, BUT YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY SURE WHAT MEAT THAT IS.
>> IT FEELS LIKE YOU ONLY NEED TWO PROPERTIES TO JUSTIFY
CALLING YOURSELF A MEAT PIE, AND I DON'T SEE EITHER OF THEM ON
DISPLAY HERE.
>> Stephen: IT'S MOSTLY FILTRATION ORGAN.
WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, EVERYBODY, BUT WHEN WE COME
BACK, I WILL ASK MR. OLIVER HIS THOUGHTS ON THE IMPEACHMENT THAT
STARTED THIS WEEK.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WE'RE BACK WITH JOHN
OLIVER, STAR OF "JOHN OLIVER IS ON TV THIS WEEK."
JOHN OLIVER.
SO ENGLAND HAS THE PREMIERE LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP OVER THERE,
AND OVER THE SUMMER, THEY HAD THEIR WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP THAT
THE ALL WHOLE WORLD PLAYS IN, RIGHT?
OR WAS IS THAT JUST IN-- IT WAS JUST GREAT BRITAIN PLAYING EACH
OTHER?
>> THAT'S THE WORLD CUP.
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE WORLD CUP THERE.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW.
>> YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: I'M TRYING TO BE NICE.
I'M JUST TRYING TO BE NICE, MAN.
>> YOU KNOW SOMETHING -- >> Stephen: CROSS-PLATFORM
SYNERGY.
>> THEY DON'T KEEP YOU UP AT NIGHT WE'RE GOING LIVE AFTER THE
WORLD CUP.
SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THAT AND MENTION BUDWEISER.
THEY DON'T SAY THAT TO YOU?
>> NOT YET.
BUT THANKS FOR GIVING THEM THE IDEA.
WHO KNOWS WHAT HAPPENS ON PARAMOUNT-PLUS.
THAT'S ALL ANYONE IS TALKING ABOUT.
THAT'S IT.
THAT'S THE NATIONAL CONVERSATION.
MOST OF MY MONOLOGUE TONIGHT WAS ABOUT PARAMOUNT-PLUS.
OH, THE IMPEACHMENT.
LAST YEAR, YOU WERE HAPPY BECAUSE YOUR SERIES DIDN'T START
UNTIL AFTER IMPEACHMENT WAS OVER, RIGHT?
IT WAS OVER AT THIS POINT LAST YEAR, SO YOU MISSED THE WHOLE
THING.
BUT NOW THEY CAME IN, THEY JUST SNAGGED YOU AT THE END.
DID YOU WATCH ANY OF THE PROCEEDINGS TODAY?
>> I'VE JUST-- I'VE JUST BEEN CATCHING UP ON IT.
AND IT SEEMED LIKE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE NOTHING, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: RIGHT, IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE JUST
PARLIAMENTARY PROCEDURE OR ARGUING OVER THE
CONSTITUTIONALITY-- SUPER CRY.
>> IT WAS A PERFECT ECHO OF THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY-- SOMETHING
THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE NOTHING IS MADE VERY MUCH SOMETHING.
I GATHER THAT THE FIRST LAWYER ENGAGED IN THE KIND OF
FREE-STYLE BEAT POETRY FOR A WHILE.
>> Stephen: I THOUGHT HE WAS JUST TRYING TO RUN OUT THE
CLOCK.
HE WAS LIKE, "OKAY, I GOT TO DO AT LEAST AN HOUR HERE.
YOU KNOW, THE ANCIENT GREEKS WERE VERY...
GOOD WITH THE...
AND WHO CAN FORGET HOW THE ROMANS DID IT."
>> MAYBE HE HAD A STAGE MANAGER LIKE YOU'VE GOT MARK JUST
STANDING BEHIND THE CAMERA GOING, "YOU HAVE TO GO.
YOU HAVE TO GO LONGER."
>> Stephen: WHAT PEOPLE DON'T KNOW IS MY STAGE MANAGER IS YOUR
STAGE MANAGER.
BUT HE DOESN'T DO THIS FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE GUESTS.
>> YEAH,█ç THAT'S TRUE.
>> Stephen: RIGHT NOW, RIGHT NOW, MARK IS GOING...
>> HE DOES THE OPPOSITE.
HE GOES LIKE THIS.
"GO FASTER.
GO FASTER.
GO FASTER."
LIKE A JOCKEY.
"GO, GO, GO.33 TALK FASTER."
>> Stephen: YOU'RE NOT THAT SMALL.
YOU'RE NOT JOHN CEENA, BUT YOU'RE NOT A JOCKEY.
HAVE SOME SELF-RESPECT.
>> NO, MARK IS THE JOCKEY.
I'M THE HORSE.
>> Stephen: OH, HE'S THE JOCKEY.
>> HE'S THE JOCKEY.
>> Stephen: OKAY, SEASON STARTS SUNDAY.
VALENTINE'S DAY.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE-- WOULD YOU RECOMMEND YOUR SHOW
FOR A FIRST DATE?
>> I MEAN, I WOULD-- IT DEPENDS.
I WOULD RECOMMEND IT FOR A LAST DATE.
THAT'S FOR SURE.
VALENTINE'S DAY IS NOT JUST FOR PEOPLE IN HAPPY RELATIONSHIPS.
IT'S ALSO FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO FIND A WAY TO GET OUT OF A
RELATIONSHIP.
AND I DON'T THINK THERE'S A CLEANER WAY OUT OF A
RELATIONSHIP THAN SAYING, "LET'S SIT DOWN AND ENJOY THE ROMANTIC
STYLINGS OF 'LAST WEEK TONIGHT' ON HBO.
YOU WANT TO GET OUT?
I'LL GET YOU OUT."
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A ROMANTIC SUBJECT THIS WEEK OR DO
YOU NOT KNOW YET?
IS IT STILL COOKING?
>> I LIKE TO THINK THAT EVERY-- EVERY SUBJECT WE TOUCH ON HAS A
KIND OF ROMANTIC TO IT, WOULD YOU NOT AGREE WITH THAT?
>> Stephen: SURE, SURE.
>> THERE'S A KIND OF I THINK SEXUAL TENSION CRACKLING THROUGH
ANY STORY THAT WE DO.
SO I CERTAINLY HOPE THAT-- I HOPE THAT WILL BE PRESENT,
WHATEVER IT IS.
>> Stephen: I'LL TELL YOU WHO-- I'LL TELL YOU WHO MIGHT
GET A LITTLE TURNED ON BY YOUR SHOW IS ANYONE IN THE FURRY
COMMUNITY.
>> OH, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE YOU HAVE QUITE FAMOUSLY-- LIKE, YOU DON'T
HAVE A LOT OF GUESTS.
>> ALMOST NONE.
>> Stephen: ALMOST NO GUESTS, BUT YOU DO HAVE A LOT OF
MASCOTS.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
WE HAVE THE SPACE GEKO.
JEFF THE DISEASED LUNG.
MR. NUTTER BUTTER AND HIS BARBER SHOP SQUIRREL QUARTET.
AND QIONG.
AM I PRONOUNCING THAT CORRECTLY?
>> YOU ARE.
>> Stephen: THESE LOOK EXPENSIVE.
I-- I-- DO YOU MAKE THEM YOURSELVES?
I MEAN, DOES YOUR SHOW-- I ASSUME YOU DON'T SEW THEM.
>> NO, NO.
A MAGNIFICENT MASCOTT MAKER CALLED BOB FLANAGAN MAKES THEM.
HE'S VERY, VERY BEAUTIFUL.
AND HBO WILL NEVER FIND OUT HOW MUCH THEY COST.
>> Stephen: WHERE DO YOU KEEP THEM?
WHERE DO YOU KEEP THEM WHEN YOU'RE NOT USING THEM?
I IMAGINE THE STORAGE COSTS ARE CONSIDERABLE.
>> WE USED TO KEEP THEM IN OUR OFFICES.
REMEMBER OFFICES, WHEN YOU WOULD GATHER IN ONE BUILDING.
>> Stephen: WITH PEOPLE.
>> YEAH, THAT.
WE USED TO HAVE A ROOM WHERE WE PUT ALL OF THEM.
BUT WE EVENTUALLY MOVED THEM AFTER, LIKE, THE THIRD CHILD WHO
HAD BEEN BROUGHT TO OUR OFFICE KIND OF OPENED THE DOOR,
SCREAMED.
BECAUSE YOU KNOW, PUPPETS AND MASCOTTS WHEN█ç THEY'RE ANIMATED
ARE THE MOST MAGICAL THING ON EARTH.
A DECAPITATED MASCOTT HANGING FROM A HOOK IN A MEAT LOCKER IS
NOT SOMETHING A CHILD IS LIKELY TO FORGET.
>> Stephen: THEY SMELL FANTASTIC INSIDE.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAVE CONDITION ANY MASCOTT WORK BUT
THEY KEEP THE JUICES IN.
>> THERE IS SOMETHING TRULY MAGIC.
I LOVED THE MUPPETS -- YOU KNOW TIM CARAVEL.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> TIM CARAVEL, WE'RE MASSIVE, MASSIVE FANS OF THE MUPPETS.
I THINK WHAT WE WANTED TO DO WAS MAKE OUR VERSION OF "THE MUPPET
SHOW."
>> Stephen: WHO ARE YOU?
IF YOU'RE A MUPPET, ARE YOU KERMIT?
WHO ARE YOU?
>> IAM NOT SO SELF-CONFIDENT TO BE KERMIT.
I LIKED ROLF.
HE DOES GOOD, TAKES THE CAMERA.
HE WOULD GET A LAUGH ANY TIME HE DID THAT.
I LIKED THE SWEDISH CHEF, NATURALLY FUNNY.
>> Stephen: HEY, I HAVE A TRIVIA THING.
WHAT IS UNUSUAL ABOUT THE SWEDISH CHEF'S HANDS?
>> WHAT?
>> Stephen: THEY'RE THE ONLY-- HE'S THE ONLY MUPPET WITH HUMAN
HANDS.
THEY'RE ACTUALLY-- JIM HENCEN IS THE SWEDISH CHEF, OR WAS THE
SWEDISH CHEF, AND FRANK OZ WAS THE HANDS.
AND I WAS TALKING WITH FRANK ABOUT THIS.
AND HE SAID THEY HAD ACTUALLY DONE IT FOR, LIKE, A MONTH
BEFORE THEY WENT, "HOLY COW!
WHAT ARE WE DOING?
WE FORGOT TO GIVE HIM HANDS."
>> I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
>> Stephen: YEAH, IS THAT THE SWEDISH CHEF.
I THINK IT IS.
IT'S THE SWEDISH CHEF HAS HUMAN HANDS.
AND IT WAS JUST A MISTAKE.
>> THOSE TWO WERE INCREDIBLE.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE-- THAT CAMERA TEST OF THEM JUST TESTING OUT
THE CAMERAS, WHEN YOU'VE GOT FRANK OZ AND JIM HENSON, TESTIN
THE CAMERAS FULL DEEP IN CHARACTER.
DANIEL DAY LEWIS ON MUPPETS.
INCREDIBLY FUNNY, CONSTANTLY IN CHARACTER.
THE UTTER GREATNESS.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE ANOTHER BREAK, BUT WHEN WE
RETURN, WE WILL REVEAL WHAT MUPPET JOHN OLIVER WOULD BE IF
JOHN OLIVER WERE A MUPPET.
THE ANSWER MAY SURPRISE HIM.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WE'RE BACK WITH JOHN OLIVER STAR OF PARAMOUNT-PLUS' NEW "LAST
WEEK TONIGHT."
WE HEARD THAT YOU HAD WANTED YOUR SHOW TO REALLY BE "THE
MUPPET SHOW."
>> WE DID.
>> Stephen: MY PRODUCER GAVE YOU THE BUZZFEED, "WHICH MUPPET
ARE YOU TEST?" BUT WE DID NOT GIVE YOU THE
ANSWER.
WE HAVE THE ANSWER HERE AS TO WHO YOU ENDED UP BEING.
DO YOU WANT TO MAKE A GUESS AS TO WHICH MUPPET YOU ENDED UP
BEING?
AND THESE TESTS ARE IRONCLAD, YOU UNDERSTAND.
>> OH, WE KNOW THAT.
IT'S A BUZZFEED TEST, THOSE ARE ALWAYS PEER REVIEWED.
>> THIS IS THE BUZZFEED P.C.R.
MUPPET TEST, NOT THE INSTANT SPIT TEST.
>> I THINK "BUZZFEED" WORKS WITH "THE LANCET."
I WOULD LIKE TO BE ROLF.
I WOULD LIKE TO BE GONZO.
I DO BELIEVE THERE'S A BEAKER INSIDE OF ME.
I WAS SOMEWHERE ON THE SPECTRUM BETWEEN GONZO AND BEAKER.
YOU ARE ( BLEEP ) KIDDING ME.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE MISS PIGGY.
>> MISS PIGGY!
>> Stephen: YOU'RE MISS PIGGY.
YOU ARE BOLD AND CONFIDENT.
YOU HAVE EVERY REASON TO BE.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE, AND YOU GET OUT THERE AND MAKE
IT HAPPEN FOR YOURSELF.
YOU HAVE GREAT STYLE AND WIT.
YOU CAN CHARM THE HECK JUST OUT OF JUST ABOUT ANYBODY, AND YOU
ALWAYS STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN."
THAT'S JOHN OLIVER.
IT'S LIKE STARING IN A MIRROR RIGHT NOW FOR YOU.
>> I ABSOLUTE-- IT'S A MASSIVE COMPLIMENT.
I DO NOT HAVE THE SEXUAL CONFIDENCE OF A MISS PIGGY.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE THE SEXUAL CONFIDENCE TO PLAY THE
VIOLA?
BECAUSE I HAD HEARD FOR YEARS NOW, FOR YEARS NOW I HAVE BEEN
WAITING FOR YOU TO BREAK OUT THE VIOLA, WHICH I KNOW YOU KNOW HOW
TO PLAY.
YOU SPENT YEARS PLAYING THE VIOLA.
THIS IS TRUE, CORRECT?
>> I DID, I PLAYED-- I PLAYED THE VIOLA ALL THE WAY THROUGH
HIGH SCHOOL.
>> Stephen: IS THIS THE YEAR THAT "LAST WEEK TONIGHT" YOU
BREAK OUT THE VIOLA AND SERENADE ALL OF US?
WHAT'S THE BEST SONG YOU COULD-- FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW,
VIOLA IS LIKE A VIOLIN, BUT USELESS.
>> HEY, HEY, HEY!
>> Stephen: ABSOLUTE-- YOU CAN SHINGLE A ROOF WITH ONE BUT
THAT'S ABOUT IT.
>> COMPLETELY WRONG.
THE TONE OF AN ORCHESTRA WOULD BE SHIFTED UNLESS YOU HAD A FEW
PEOPLE THROWN IN THERE PLAYING A VIOLA, WHICH IS LIKE A VIOLIN
BUT A STRING LOWER.
IF YOU CAN'T PLAY THE VIOLIN WITH ANY FLARE, THEN YOU CAN
FILL THE SOUND OF AN ORCHESTRA BY DROWNING ON A VIOLA AND THAT
WAS MY JOB.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS YOUR GO-TO, TUNE "TURKEY IN THE
STRAW?" >> THE BEST I GOT THE MORE I
REALIZED HOW I WAS.
THE BETTER YOU ARE, YOU GET THE BETTER PIECES OF MUC.
AND I REALIZED AS I PLAYED THAT I REALIZED HOW BAD I WAS.
IN YOUR HEAD YOU KNOW HOW YOU WANT IT TO SOUND BUT YOUR
FINGERS CAN'T DO IT, SO YOU END UP WANTING TO SMASH IT AGAINST
THE WALL LIKE A SIGNIFICANTLY LESS COOL PETE TOWNSEND.
>> Stephen: I THINK IT WOULD BE COOL TO SEE YOU SMASH A
VIOLA.
I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANY PROOF THAT-- I HEARD A LOT OF
BRAGGING.
I HEARD A LOT OF BIG TALK ABOUT YOU AND VIOL AS OVER THE YEARS.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW WHY YO YO MAHAS NEVER ENDED A CONCERT BY
SMASHING IT ALL OVER THE STAGE.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE HE'S NOT A GIBSON OFF THE LINE.
>> I WAS ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED OF PLAYING THE VIOLA IN FRONT OF
PEOPLE.
THAT'S THE THING.
I WAS FINE WITH KIND OF PERFORMING, AND YET ANY CONCERT
AT SCHOOL I WAS PETRIFIED, BECAUSE DEEP DOWN, I THINK I
KNEW I WAS TERRIBLE.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE MOST TERRIFIED YOU HAVE BEEN AT ANY
PERFORMANCE AT ALL?
WHAT IS THE MOST SCARED YOU HAVE BEEN TO OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND
START A PERFORMANCE?
>> HONESTLY, IT PROBABLY WASN'T THAT.
ANY TIME I WAS OPENING MY MOUTH, I WAS OKAY.
PLAYING MUSIC I WAS -- >> Stephen: HOW ABOUT SINGING?
>> OH, UM-- I MEAN, I NEVER KIND OF TRIED TO-- I ALWAYS KIND OF
DID THE COMIC-- IN MUSICALS, I WAS ALWAYS KIND OF OSTRACIZED
AS, "YOU CAN DO THE FUNNY SONG," BECAUSE IT DOESN'T INVOLVE ANY
RANGE OR NATURAL VOCAL TONE AND YOU CAN ACT LIKE THE WHOLE THING
IS A JOKE EVEN THOUGH YOU COULDN'T ACTUALLY DO THE THING
YOU ARE MAKING FUN OF.
>> Stephen: SO THAT DIDN'T SCARE YOU EITHER?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T GET NERVOUS BEFORE YOU GO ON STAGE?
>> NOT-- I THINK IT'S BEEN BATTED OUT OF ME.
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU DO STANDUP -- >> Stephen: I NEVER DID IT.
>> YEAH, BUT THE THING IS, LIKE, YOUR FAILURES ARE SO VISCERAL,
SO PERSONAL, THAT ONCE YOU'VE BOMBED A HUNDRED TIMES-- IT'S
LOT OF PEOPLE'S TRUE NIGHTMARE.
THEY THINK I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING WORSE IN LIFE THAN
BEING ON STAGE AND BOMBING.
ONCE IT'S HAPPENED TO YOU 100 TIMES, AUDIENCES LOSE THEIR
CAPACITY TO HURT YOU.
SO YOU JUST-- YOU JUST BECOME A SHELL OF A PERSON.
YOU'RE LIKE-- THERE IS NOTHING-- THERE IS NOTHING EXTRA
INTERESTING ABOUT BOMBING IN BIRMINGHAM.
I JUST BOMBED IN LIVERPOOL.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
>> Stephen: NOW, SO THE FOLLOW-UP QUESTION, OBVIOUSLY,
IS, IF BOMBING LOSES ANY SPECIAL PAIN, DOES SCORING TO, LIKE,
KILLING IN THE ROOM LOSE ANY SPECIAL HIGH THEN?
>> WELL THAT'S-- I MEAN...
>> Stephen: WHAT I'M ASKING IS DO YOU CARE IF THE AUDIENCE IS
THERE AT ALL?
WHAT I'M GETTING IS THIS IS A PURELY MASTUREBATORY AFFAIR.
>> MY SHIFT TO AN AUDIENCELESS SHOW HAS BEEN EASIER THAN MOST.
>> Stephen: IN MY MIND THESE JOKES ARE KILLING.
I'M JUST DESTROYING EVERYTHING!
>> IN MY MIND, MY JOKES ARE BOMBING.
I ASSUME SILENCE, SO I'M NOT SHOCKED WHEN IT COMES.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.
WELL, JOHN, IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE THAT'S ON YOUR MIND?
IS THERE ANYTHING-- IS THERE ANYTHING, PERHAPS, ABOUT YOUR
EIGHTH SEASON COMING UP YOU'D LIKE TO US KNOW ABOUT?
EIGHT SEASONS OVER HOW MANY YEARS?
>> EIGHT.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
THAT WORKS OUT.
>> EIGHT.
>> Stephen: BUT YOU KNOW THESE DAYS, WE'RE ON, LIKE, SEASON 27
OF "BACHELORETTE" AND IT'S BEEN ON FOUR YEARS.
IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING ANY MORE.
>> WE REALLY STICK TO THE ONE SEASON, ONE YEAR PROCESS.
>> Stephen: GOOD FOR YOU.
>> IT'S SO MUCH EASIER THAT WAY FOR MOMENTS LIKE THIS.
>> Stephen: IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WOULD LIKE PEOPLE TO KNOW
ABOUT YOUR UPCOMING SEASON?
>> JUST, IT'S ON AGAIN.
IF YOU LIKED THE SHOW PREVIOUSLY, I HOPE YOU WILL
ENJOY IT.
IF YOU REALLY HATED IT, HONESTLY, I WOULDN'T GIVE IT A
SECOND CHANCE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: NO RESAMPLING.
>> YOU'VE MADE YOUR DECISION.
THAT'S FAIR.
COMEDY IS SUBJECTIVE.
I DON'T THINK IT'S MATERIALLY CHANGED ENOUGH FOR YOU TO LIKE
SOMETHING THAT YOU PREVIOUSLY DID SPIESED.
SO I'D GIVE IT A MISS.
>> Stephen: I DISAGREE.
I THINK NO MATTER WHAT, GIVEN ANOTHER CHANCE AND, YOU KNOW,
IT'S A GREAT WAY FOR PEOPLE TO SAMPLE PARAMOUNT-PLUS.
IT WOULD BE A GREAT WAY FOR PEOPLE TO CLIMB THE MOUNTAIN.
WELL, JOHN, A PLEASURE AS ALWAYS.
I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE TO GO.
MARK IS MAKING-- MARK IS ACTUALLY SHAKING HIS HEAD SAYING
"DO WHATEVER YOU WANT."
I'M THE ONE PRETENDING IT'S TIME TO GO.
ALWAYS A DELIGHT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW FOR ANOTHER 24 MINUTES OR WHATEVER
THIS WAS.
WHATEVER.
YOU GOT NOTHING TO DO.
COME ON.
>> ALL I'LL SAY IS I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO YOUR EDITORS,
AND GODSPEED.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
SEASON EIGHT OF "LAST WEEK TONIGHT" STARTS THIS SUNDAY ON
HBO.
JOHN OLIVER, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY INGRID ANDRESS.
GOOD-BYE, JOHN OLIVER.
♪ ♪ ♪
MY MUSICAL GUEST TONIGHT IS NOMINATED FOR THREE GRAMMY
AWARDS.
PERFORMING THE TITLE TRACK FROM HER ALBUM, "LADY LIKE," INGRID
ANDRESS!
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ I DRINK TEQUILA STRAIGHT
HAVEN'T BRUSHED MY HAIR IN DAYS ♪ AND I'LL KISS ON THE FIRST
DATE IF I'M REALLY FEELIN' IT ♪ I DON'T EVEN OWN A DRESS
BITE MY NAILS ♪ WHEN I GET STRESSED
DO WHATEVER FOR ATTENTION IF I'M NEEDIN' IT
♪ CONTROVERSIAL SO OUTSPOKEN
♪ I'VE BEEN TOLD I'M NOT LADYLIKE
♪ BUT I'M A LADY LIKE WHOA I COULD BRING YOU TO YOUR KNEES
♪ AND GET YOU KICKED OUT THE GARDEN OF EDEN
♪ UNTAMABLE, UNFRAMEABLE MONA LISA, OH
♪ KISS YOU LIKE A WHISKEY FIRE TURN AROUND
♪ LEAVE YOUR HEART IN A RIOT LIPSTICK IN A CIGARETTE PACK
♪ ON THE DASH I'M A LADY LIKE THAT
♪ SOMETIMES I FORGET NOT TO TALK 'BOUT POLITICS
♪ WHEN I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF ME GETTIN' HIT ON
♪ SOMETIMES I'M NOT POLITE DON'T BITE MY TONGUE
♪ I SPEAK MY MIND LET CURSE WORDS FLY
WHEN (BLEEP) GOES WRONG ♪ CONTROVERSIAL
SO OUTSPOKEN ♪ I'VE BEEN TOLD I'M
NOT LADYLIKE ♪ BUT I'M A LADY LIKE WHOA
I COULD BRING YOU TO YOUR KNEES ♪ AND GET YOU KICKED OUT THE
GARDEN OF EDEN ♪ UNTAMABLE, UNFRAMEABLE
MONA LISA, OH ♪ KISS YOU LIKE A WHISKEY FIRE
TURN AROUND ♪ LEAVE YOUR HEART IN A RIOT
LIPSTICK IN A CIGARETTE PACK ♪ ON THE DASH
I'M A LADY LIKE THAT I'M A LADY LIKE THAT
♪ CONTROVERSIAL SO OUTSPOKEN
♪ I'VE BEEN TOLD I'M NOT LADYLIKE
♪ BUT I'M A LADY LIKE WHOA I COULD BRING YOU TO YOUR KNEES
♪ AND GET YOU KICKED OUT THE GARDEN OF EDEN
♪ UNTAMABLE, UNFRAMEABLE MONA LISA, OH
♪ KISS YOU LIKE A WHISKEY FIRE TURN AROUND
♪ LEAVE YOUR HEART IN A RIOT LIPSTICK IN A CIGARETTE PACK
♪ ON THE DASH I'M A LADY LIKE THAT
♪ WHOA
♪ MONA LISA, OH KISS YOU LIKE A WHISKEY FIRE
♪ TURN AROUND LEAVE YOUR HEART IN A RIOT
♪ LIPSTICK IN A CIGARETTE PACK ON THE DASH
♪ I'M A LADY LIKE THAT I'M A LADY LIKE THAT ♪
YEAH >> Stephen: INGRID ANDRESS,
EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Stephen: HEY, THAT'S IT FOR "A LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE KRISTEN WIIG AND REBECCA
BREEDS.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.
Captioning sponsored by CBS Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
>> IS IT ONE HOUR AGO WE WERE 22 MINUTES LONG ON THE MONOLOGUE.
( LAUGHTER ) OUR MONOLOGUE WAS 22 MINUTES
LONG.
I HOPE WE PICKED THE RIGHT, LIKE, 15 OR 16 MINUTES TO, LIKE,
LIFT.
>> I LOOKED UP AT THE CLOCK, AND I THOUGHT OF YOU, AND I THOUGHT
YOU ( BLEEP ).