>> TO BEGIN WITH THE SUPER CELEBRATION FOR TOM BRADY AND
THE TAMPA BAY BRUX.
>> INCLUDED BRADY ON HIS $2 MILLION BOAT TOSSING THE
SUPER BOWL TROPHY TO HIS TEAMMATES WHO WERE ON A
DIFFERENT BOAT.
>> BUT LATER ON IT WAS CLEAR THAT TOM BRADY MAY HAVE GONE
OVERBOARD DURING THE PARTY.
>> HOW AWESOME WAS THAT?
TOM BRADY, SUPER BOWL LV -- ♪ THERE ONCE WAS A SHIP FULL OF
BUCCANEERS WHO HAD ONE OR TWO OR THREE HUNDRED BEERS ♪
♪ THEY RAISED A GLASS AND SAID CHEERS ♪
♪ IT WILL HURT BAD TOMORROW ♪ ♪ SOON MAY THE HANGOVER COME
FROM TOO MUCH WHISKEY GIN AND RUM ♪
♪ TOSSED A TROPHY THEY JUST WON ♪
♪ THERE WILL BE MORE THINGS TO THROW ♪
♪ TOM BRADY GOT OUT OF FED ♪ ♪ THOUGHT HE WOULD FEEL BETTER
WILLIAMS HE WAS FETED ♪ ♪ BUT FELT AS IF HIS HEAD HAD
BEEN HIT BY A POLE ♪ ♪ SOON MAY THE HANGOVER COME
FROM TOO MUCH WHISKEY AND GIN AND RUM ♪
♪ OH, BOY, THE BELLY'S NOT DONE ♪
♪ BACK TO THE SUPER BOWL ♪ ( RETCHING )
>> Announcer: IT'S A SHORE WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.
TONIGHT, IMPEACHING TO THE CHOIR.
VALENTINE'S DAY'S FIRST DRAFT.
AND STEPHEN WELCOMES BLAKE SHELTON.
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN."
NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE BUILDING
IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: WHOO!
WELCOME, BABY!
OH, I'M HERE ON THE PLANET!
WELCOME TO IT!
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!
WHOO!
IT'S THAT OR GO TO SLEEP.
TWO CHOICES, AND I WANT TO BE HERE FOR YOU.
SO NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, IT WAS NOT EASY.
WE MADE IT THROUGH THE FINAL DAY OF THE DEMOCRATS' CASE AGAINST
THE EX-PRESIDENT AND, TODAY, I DIDN'T CRY -- YET.
SAVING THAT FOR A BEDTIME TREAT.
I'M GOING TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THEIR CLOSING ARGUMENT IN MY
UNFORTUNATELY STILL ONGOING, BUT SOON TO BE GONE SEGMENT
"DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH 2: GO FAST, WE'RE FURIOUS."
>> I AM A TREMENDOUS EMBARRASSMENT TO OUR COUNTRY.
THE LAST FOUR YEARS WERE TRAGEDIES.
( GROWLING ) OOH!
THIS IS KIND OF DOING IT FOR ME.
OOH!
I LOVE YOU >> YUCK!
>> YOU'RE GONNA GET $130,000.
>> WEIRDO!
>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO MISS THAT A LITTLE.
AS THE DAY WAS LARGELY SUMMARY BY THE HOUSE
MANAGERS, THERE WAS A LOT OF EVIDENCE, BUT THERE WAS ALSO
APPEALING TO A COMMON HUMANITY.
FOR INSTANCE, CALIFORNIA CONGRESSMAN TED LIEU POINTED OUT
JUST HOW CALLOUS THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS IN THE DAYS
FOLLOWING THE ATTACK.
>> WE'RE ALL AWARE THAT A VIOLENT MOB MURDERED A POLICE
OFFICER.
IT TOOK PRESIDENT TRUMP THREE DAYS BEFORE HE LOWERED THE FLAG
OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
THREE DAYS.
AND PRESIDENT TRUMP WHO WAS COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF AT THE TIME
DID NOT ATTEND AND PAY RESPECTS TO THE OFFICER WHO LAY IN STATE
IN THE VERY BUILDING THAT HE DIED DEFENDING.
>> STEPHEN: WOULDN'T PA HIS RESPECTS.
I GUESS ALL HIS BLUE LIVES MATTER TALK WAS BULL, OR HE WAS
JUST TALKIN' ABOUT THE SMURFS.
CONGRESSMAN LIEU THEN SPELLED OUT THE VERY REAL CONSEQUENCES
OF ACQUITTING NUMBER 45.
>> YOU KNOW, I'M NOT AFRAID OF DONALD TRUMP RUNNING AGAIN IN
FOUR YEARS.
I'M AFRAID HE'S GOING TO RUN AGAIN AND LOSE.
BECAUSE HE CAN DO THIS AGAIN.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, I'M NOT REALLY AFRAID OF HIM RUNNING EITHER.
I'M REALLY AFRAID OF HIM SHAMBLING DOWN A RAMP WHILE HIS
DERANGED GOONS GO PODIUM SHOPPING.
THEN IT WAS TIME FOR COLORADO REPRESENTATIVE AND AUTHOR OF THE
SELF HELP BOOK YOUR MOM JUST READ, DIANA DEGETTE.
DeGETTE DRESSED THE REAL PURPOSE OF THIS TRIAL.
>> IMPEACHMENT IS NOT TO PUNISH BUT TO PREVENT.
WE ARE NOT HERE TO PUNISH DONALD TRUMP.
WE ARE HERE TO PREVENT THE SEEDS OF HATRED HE PLANTED FROM
BEARING ANY MORE FRUIT.
>> THOUGH BASED ON HIS DIET, I'M PRETTY CONFIDENT THE LAST THING
HE WANTS IS FRUIT.
RASKIN EXPLAINED THE PRESIDENT'S RIOT SQUAD WAS NOTHING NEW.
SOMETHING SIMILAR HAPPENED MONTHS BEFORE JANUARY 6 WHEN A
MOB OVERTOOK THE MICHIGAN CAPITOL.
>> THIS TRUMP-INSPIRED MOB MAY INDEED LOOK FAMILIAR TO YOU.
CONFEDERATE BATTLE FLAGS, MAGA HATS, WEAPONS, CAMO ARMY GEAR.
JUST LIKE THE INSURRECTIONISTS WHOSHOWED UP AND INVADED THIS
CHAMBER ON JANUARY 6.
>> STEPHEN: PROMPTING "US WEEKLY" TO ASK, "WHO TREASONED
IT BETTER?" THEN JOAQUIN CASTRO REMINDED THE
JURORS THAT DEMOCRACY TAKES WORK.
>> THE WORLD IS WATCHING AND WONDERING WHETHER WE ARE WHO WE
SAY WE ARE.
WE MUST STAND UP FOR THE RULE OF LAW BECAUSE THE RULE OF LAW
DOESN'T JUST STAND UP BY ITSELF.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT.
DEMOCRACY IS FRAGILE.
IT NEEDS HELP TO STAND, LIKE A BABY DEER, OR A SUPER BOWL
QUARTERBACK.
MORE ON THAT LATER.
AND EARLIER.
RASKIN EVOKED A CONSERVATIVE ICON OF THE SUPREME COURT TO
PROVE THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT CAN'T USE THE FIRST AMENDMENT AS
AN EXCUSE.
>> JUSTICE SCALIA GOT IT EXACTLY RIGHT ON THIS.
HE WROTE ON THESE CASES ABOUT HOW THE FIRST AMENDMENT AFFECTS
PEOPLE WHO TAKE ON A PUBLIC OFFICE, WHO TAKE ON PUBLIC
EMPLOYMENT.
AND HE SUMMED IT UP LIKE THIS.
HE SAID, "YOU CANNOT RIDE WITH THE COPS BUT ROOT FOR THE
ROBBERS."
>> STEPHEN: A GOOD ANALOGY, BUT LET ME PUT IT IN TERMS THE
FORMER PRESIDENT CAN UNDERSTAND: YOU CAN'T RIDE WITH RONALD
MCDONALD AND ROOT FOR THE HAMBURGLAR.
LATER, RASKIN POSED A QUESTION DIRECTLY TO THE DEFENSE.
>> I'LL ADD A LEGAL QUESTION THAT I HOPE HIS COUNCIL WILL
ADDRESS.
IF A PRESIDENT DID INVITE THE VIOLENT INSURRECTION AGAINST OUR
GOVERNMENT, AS WE ALLEGE AND THINK WE HAVE PROVEN IN THIS
CASE, BUT IN GENERAL, IF THE PRESIDENT INCITED A VIOLENT
INSURRECTION AGAINST OUR GOVERNMENT, WOULD THAT BE A HIGH
CRIME AND MISDEMEANOR?
>> STEPHEN: MAN, HE ACTUALLY HAD TO ASK THAT!
THE BAR'S GOTTEN SO LOW.
AND SOMEONE SHOULD PICK IT UP QUICK BEFORE A PROUD BOY USES IT
TO BEAT A COP.
AND HE CLOSED WITH AN APPEAL TO THE SENATORS.
>> OUR FRIENDS MUST WORK TO ANSWER THE OVERWHELMING,
DETAILED, SPECIFIC, FACTUAL AND DOCUMENTARY EVIDENCE WE'VE
INTRODUCED OF THE PRESIDENT'S CLEAR AND OVERWHELMING GUILT
INCITING VIOLENT INSURRECTION AGAINST THE UNION.
>> Stephen: AGAINST THE UNION.
NOT ONLY IS HE POWERFULLY EVOKING THE CIVIL WAR, BUT HE'S
MAKING A CLEAR REFERENCE THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT NEVER TRIED
TO PRESERVE A UNION.
CONGRESSMAN NEGUSE REMINDED EVERYONE THAT THE FORMER
PRESIDENT VERY CLEARLY TOLD US WHERE HIS ALLEGIANCE LAY.
>> WHEN THEY, THE POLICE, STILL BARRICADED AND BEING ATTACKED
WITH POLES, HE SAID IN HIS VIDEO, TO THE PEOPLE ATTACKING
THEM, "WE LOVE YOU.
YOU ARE VERY SPECIAL."
WHAT MORE COULD WE POSSIBLY NEED TO KNOW ABOUT PRESIDENT TRUMP'S
STATE OF MIND?
>> STEPHEN: MAYBE, HOW MUCH THIS COULD'VE ALL BEEN AVOIDED IF HIS
DAD HAD EVER HUGGED HIM?
NEGUSE CLOSED BY SAYING THIS ISN'T JUST ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED
IN JANUARY, IT'S WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN IN THE FUTURE.
>> WE HUMBLY, HUMBLY ASK YOU TO CONVICT PRESIDENT TRUMP FOR THE
CRIME FOR WHICH HE IS OVERWHELMINGLY GUILTY OF.
BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, IF WE PRETEND THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN--
OR WORSE, IF WE LET IT GO UNANSWERED-- WHO'S TO SAY IT
WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN?
>> STEPHEN: IF WE DON'T STOP HIM, IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN.
IT DID HAPPEN AGAIN, BECAUSE THIS IS HOW ADAM SCHIFF CLOSED
OUT THE LAST IMPEACHMENT!
>> YOU CAN'T TRUST THIS PRESIDENT TO DO THE RIGHT THING,
NOT FOR ONE MINUTE.
HE HAS BETRAYED OUR NATIONAL SECURITY AND HE WILL DO SO
AGAIN.
HE HAS COMPROMISED OUR ELECTIONS AND HE WILL DO SO AGAIN.
YOU WILL NOT CHANGE HIM.
YOU CANNOT CONSTRAIN HIM.
HE IS WHO HE IS.
>> STEPHEN: I TAKE NO PLEASURE IN PLAYING THAT CLIP.
I TAKE NO PLEASURE IN PLAYING CONGRESSMAN NEGUSE'S CLIP.
AND I'LL TAKE NO PLEASURE PLAYING THE CLIP NEXT YEAR WHEN
THEY'RE TRYING THE EX-PRESIDENT FOR SENDING SUPPORTERS TO SACK
DISNEY WORLD SO HE CAN MOVE INTO CINDERELLA'S CASTLE AND DECLARE
HIMSELF "THE EMPEROR OF FANTASYLAND."
ONE THING ALL THE HOUSE MANAGERS SEEMED TO HAVE IN COMMON: THE
-- TODAY, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY WERE CLOSING, IS THEY
WEREN'T GRANDSTANDING FOR THEIR OWN EGO.
THEY WERE SINCERELY, DESPERATELY TRYING TO MAKE A HUMAN
CONNECTION AS FELLOW CITIZENS TO THE REPUBLICAN SENATORS IN THAT
GALLERY AND CONVINCE THEM TO PUT COUNTRY BEFORE PARTY.
SO, DOOMED FROM THE START.
BECAUSE AFTER WATCHING THE HORRIFIC IMAGES AND DAMNING
TIMELINE FROM YESTERDAY'S PRESENTATION, SENATE REPUBLICANS
ARE DOING EXACTLY WHAT THEY DID ON JANUARY 6: RUNNING AWAY FROM
WHAT THEY HELPED CREATE.
TAKE SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR AND PILLSBURY PROUD BOY, LINDSEY
GRAHAM.
AFTER YESTERDAY'S SESSION, GRAHAM HAD THIS REVIEW:
>> I THINK MOST REPUBLICANS FOUND THE PRESENTATION BY THE
HOUSE MANAGERS OFFENSIVE AND ABSURD.
>> STEPHEN: (AS GRAHAM) "THAT MATERIAL WAS OFFENSIVE AND
ABSURD!
I HEARD SWEARS, I SAW THE Q-SHAMAN'S NIPPLES!
A GENTLEMAN WOULD PUT ON A PAIR OF SLACKS AND A POLO SHIRT
BEFORE POOPIN' IN THE ROTUNDA."
GRAHAM ALSO HIT THE G.O.P.'S FAVORITE NEW TALKING POINT:
MAYBE TRYING TO MURDER NANCY PELOSI WAS ALL NANCY PELOSI'S
FAULT.
>> HERE'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW: WHAT DID NANCY PELOSI KNOW AND
WHEN DID SHE KNOW IT?
IF IT WAS WIDELY KNOWN BY THE F.B.I. AND THE CAPITOL HILL
POLICE PEOPLE WERE PLANNING TO COME TO WASHINGTON BEFORE THE
SIXTH, TO CREATE VIOLENCE, I WANT TO KNOW, DID SHE IS KNOW
ABOUT THAT?
>> STEPHEN: AND WITH THIS ARGUMENT, GRAHAM JOINS A
PANTHEON OF OTHER REPUBLICANS TRYING TO PIN THE CAPITOL RIOT
ON SPEAKER PELOSI.
IT'S JUST GOOD TO KNOW THAT THE G.O.P. HAS CONDUCTED THEIR OW
INVESTIGATION, AND AFTER CLOSE, FORENSIC RECONSTRUCTION OF THE
EVENTS OF THAT DAY, THEY DISCOVERED: THERE'S A WOMAN TO
BLAME!
MA-HA!
ANOTHER COMPLETE DUMB-ASS IS FLORIDA SENATOR AND PET PYTHON
WATCHING A MOUSE DROP INTO THE TERRARIUM, RICK SCOTT.
SCOTT WAS ONE OF THE SEDITIONIST SYMPATHIZERS WHO VOTED TO THROW
OUT THE ELECTION RESULTS, AND AFTER VIEWING THE EXPLICIT
VIDEOS OF THE ATTACK YESTERDAY, SCOTT CALLED THE TRIAL, "A
COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME."
BUT HE DOES BELIEVE THERE SHOULD BE SOME CONSEQUENCES, SAYING, "I
HOPE EVERYBODY THAT CAME INTO THE CAPITOL AND DID THE WRONG
THING GETS PROSECUTED TO THE FULL EXTENT OF LAW."
OKAY, YOU HEARD THE MAN.
SOMEBODY ARREST RICK SCOTT!
MIGHT WANT TO USE ONE OF THOSE LONG POLES AND PIN HIS HEAD DOWN
FIRST AND WRAP AROUND YOUR ARM.
ANOTHER LAWMAKER WHO BLEW OFF THE PROCEEDINGS WAS MISSOURI
SENATOR AND SURFER SAYING "HANG TEN MIKE PENCES," JOSH HAWLEY.
LAST NIGHT, AFTER THE HOUSE MANAGERS' PRESENTATION, HAWLEY
SAID THIS: >> I THINK THAT IT'S, THERE'S
NOTHING NEW HERE.
>> STEPHEN: YOU'RE A JUROR!
EVIDENCE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE NEW TO BE DAMNING.
"UM, THEY SAID IT WAS ARSON AT THE TOP OF THE TRIAL.
WHY ARE THEY SHOWING US ALL THESE PICTURES OF BURNING
BUILDINGS?
BORING!
COME ON, GIVE ME ONE BABY YODA UP IN THIS THING!
NOBODY HAS CLAWS!
WHERE'S THANOS?
WAA!
IT'S NO SURPRISE HAWLEY AND OTHER REPUBLICAN SENATORS
WEREN'T MOVED BY YESTERDAY'S EVIDENCE.
THEY WEREN'T PAYING ATTENTION!
IN FACT, RAND PAUL WAS SPOTTED TRACING THE WATERMARK OF THE
CAPITOL ON A LEGAL PAD, TIM SCOTT APPEARED TO READ A
MAGAZINE ARTICLE, CINDY HYDE-SMITH GAZED AT A 2021
CALENDAR, AND RICK SCOTT WAS STUDYING WHAT APPEARED TO BE A
MAP OF SOUTHEAST ASIA.
(AS RICK SCOTT) "HUH!
THEY GOT LOTS OF FLORIDAS OVER THERE.
THIS ONE'S CALLED MALL-ASIA.
I WONDER WHAT LANGUAGE THEIR MICKEY MOUSE SPEAKS!"
BUT THERE'S STILL PLENTY OF HEART-WRENCHING TESTIMONY TO GO,
AND YOU CAN ONLY READ SO MANY CALENDARS BEFORE THEY START TO
GET REPETITIVE.
LUCKILY, THERE'S A NEW PRODUCT TO HELP THESE REPUBLICANS TUNE
IT ALL OUT.
JIM?
♪ ♪
>> TODAY, EVEN THE MOST PARTISAN SENATOR CAN FIND IT CHALLENGING
TO IGNORE DAMNING TESTIMONY.
HELLO.
I'M MENDELSEAN SOUND TECHNICIAN FOR QUADRUPLE, INTRODUCING
CONSCIENCE-CANCELING HEADPHONES.
THE ONLY HEADPHONES THAT CANCEL BOTH AMBIENT NOISE AND YOUR OWN
SENSE OF WHAT'S RIGHT.
THESE ARE BEAUTIFULLY DESIGNED WITH AN ATTRACTIVE MESH STITCHED
"R" FOR REPUBLICAN.
HERE'S HOW THEY WORK -- THE HEADPHONES USE ULTRA SENSITIVE
MICROPHONES TO LOCATE THE TINY VOICE OF REASON IN YOUR HEAD.
THEY SUBDUE IT, WHIP IT INTO SUBMISSION UNTIL ITS BUTT IS SO
SHINY YOU CAN SEE YOUR FACE IN IT.
THERE IS NO SAFE WORD.
AND FOR OUR BUDGET-CONSCIOUS SENATORS, TRY OUR MORE
AFFORDABLE EARBUD VERSION.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.
SO PICK UP CONSCIENCE-CANCELING HEADPHONES TODAY AND WALL LOW IN
THE SWEET SOUNDS OF IGNORANCE.
>> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS COUNTRY MUSIC SUPERSTAR BLAKE SHELTON,
AND I SHARE THE SEASON'S HOTTEST VALENTINE'S DAY CARDS WITH
MY SPECIAL GUEST, EVIE COLBERT.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE."
STICK AROUND.
♪♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
LET'S SAY HI TO JON BATISTE.
HELLO, JON.
>> Jon: HELLO, STEPHEN.
HOW YOU DOING?
>> Stephen: I'M DOING REALLY WELL.
YOU KNOW, WE'RE NOT ACTUALLY -- WE'RE OFF NEXT WEEK.
>> Jon: RIGHT.
>> Stephen: SO WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT, I
WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT NOW.
YOU AND THE BAND AND SOME OTHER BANDS AROUND THE WORLD ARE
PUTTING TOGETHER THIS AMAZING CARNIVAL MARDI GRAS MUSICAL
PIECE THAT I SAW TODAY THAT'S FANTASTIC.
TELL ME ABOUT THIS THING.
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE YOU'RE PLAYING WITH?
>> WE'RE PLAYING WITH K OH SS.
AT AND CHARLES AND GREAT MUSICIANS DOING "IS A VA NA
GRASS" THE SONG OF CARNIVAL LAST YEAR AND A QUARTET FROM BRAZIL,
SANTOS WHO IS FEATURED IN THERE DOING TRADITIONAL BRAZIL MUSIC
FROM CARNIVAL.
WE CAN'T BE TOGETHER FOR CARNIVAL THIS YEAR, BUT THIS IS
THE BEST WE'RE GOING TO GET.
>> Stephen: I HEARD THIS.
IT WILL COME OUT ON MARDI GRAS.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WE'LL POINT IT OUT ON SOCIAL MEDIA, BUT PLEASE
CHECK IT OUT.
I LISTENED TO IT TODAY AND I LEVITATED.
OFF THE GROUND.
YOU COULD HAVE PASSED A HOOP UNDERNEATH ME.
>> Jon: YEAH, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WELL, JON, GIVE ME A LASTLA LITTLE DAYS BEFORE WE
GO OFF INTO YOUR LITTLE MARDI GRAS WEEK.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?
>> Jon: YES, INDEED.
♪♪♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,
EVERYBODY.
THANKS, JON, STAY SAFE.
>> Jon: YES, INDEED.
>> Stephen: FOLKS, YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME
SCOUTING THE WORLD FOR THE MOST HIGHLY-TRAINED AND TOPICAL
BALLERINAS, BUILDING STATE-OF-THE-ART SETS, ADDING
DRAMATIC CUTTING-EDGE LIGHTING, AND A VIRTUOSIC 110-PIECE
ORCHESTRA TO MOUNT FOR YOU THE EPIC PRODUCTION OF "SWAN LAKE"
THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I LIKE TO HOP IN MY BUSTED OUT R.V.,
SLAM SOME AMYL NITRITE POPPERS, AND TROLL AROUND LUMBER YARDS
FOR EX-CON LOGROLLERS, SET-UP A DISCARDED BOOM BOX WITH A MIAMI
SOUND MACHINE TAPE STUCK INSIDE IT, PROMISE THE BOYS A FREE HOT
DOG AND A SCRATCH-OFF, SO I CAN CHARGE BOARDWALK TOURISTS A
NICKLE A POP TO WATCH THE HOBO ZUMBA CLASS OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"
QUARANTINE-WHILE, EVER SINCE WINNING HIS SEVENTH SUPER BOWL
ON SUNDAY, TOM BRADY HAS BEEN DOING EXACTLY WHAT YOU THINK HE
IS: EXISTING IN A THEORETICAL PLASMA STATE BETWEEN HUMAN AND
PURE ALCOHOL.
NOW, GIVEN WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT HIS EXTREMELY STRICT NUTRITION
REGIMEN, YOU MIGHT ASSUME HE GOT THAT HAMMERED JUST BY WALKING
PAST THE COUGH SYRUP AISLE AT CVS.
BUT I HAPPEN TO KNOW FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE THAT TOM
BRADY CAN DELIVER BOOZE TO HIS OWN BODY LIKE IT'S FOURTH AND
GOAL AND HIS STOMACH IS ROB GRONKOWSKI.
SO, I ASSUME, FOR FOUR STRAIGHT DAYS, HE'S BEEN CONSUMING
MARGARITAS VIA GATORADE SHOWER.
BUT THE BRADY FOOTAGE EVERYONE IS REALLY TALKING ABOUT IS OF
HIM, AND HIS TEAMMATES PARTYING ON SEPARATE BOOZE BARGES
AND BRADY'S HAIL MARY PASS OF THE LOMBARDI TROPHY OVER THE
WATER TO BUCS TIGHT END CAMERON BRATE.
>> OH!
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERING )
( HORN BLOWING ) >> Stephen: THAT IS RISKY!
THE LOMBARDI COULD'VE WOUND UP AT THE BOTTOM OF THE RIVER.
REACHED FOR COMMENT, BRADY SAID "WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
EVERYONE HAS LIKE SIX MORE OF THESE, RIGHT?"
THOUGH I GOTTA SAY, I PERSONALLY WOULD FIND FOOTBALL A LOT MORE
COMPELLING IF, INSTEAD OF A BALL, THOSE QUARTERBACKS WERE
DRILLING THEIR RECEIVERS WITH A TOP-HEAVY SEVEN-POUND HUNK OF
POINTY METAL.
KICKERS WOULD BE ON THE SIDELINES PRAYING "DON'T GET
WITHIN FIELD GOAL RANGE!
DON'T GET WITHIN FIELD GOAL RANGE!"
QUARANTINE-WHILE, HOT MALE POLITICIANS GETTING VACCINATED
IS 2021'S STRANGEST THIRST TRAP.
WRONG.
THIS YEAR'S STRANGEST THIRST TRAP IS THE MOUNTAIN DEW MAJOR
MELON SUPERBOWL AD.
IT LEFT ME DEEPLY CONFUSED.
DO I WANT TO DRINK THIS DOG?
BUT PEOPLE ARE INTO PICS OF HOT EUROPEAN POLITICIANS GETTING THE
COVID VACCINE, LIKE GREEK PRIME MINISTER KYRIAKOS MITSOTAKIS,
AND CROATIAN FINANCE MINISTER ZDRAVKO MARICH, SEEN HERE AS
DOCTORS TRY TO FIND A NEEDLE SHARP ENOUGH TO PENETRATE THAT
TRICEP.
ARE THEY TRYING TO FIND A CURE FOR DELTOIDS?
AND WHAT IS WITH THAT LIGHTING?
THIS LOOKS LIKE A ONE MAN SHOW ABOUT A GUY WHO WAS TOO SEXY TO
BE FINANCE MINISTER.
I BET THAT DOCTOR IS TAKING HIS TIME WITH THAT SWAB.
"JUST SO YOU KNOW, THE BEST WAY TO STERILIZE THE AREA IS FOR ME
TO GENTLY SQUEEZE IT."
OH, YEAH, WE'RE ALMOST THERE.
BUT THE GUY WHO STARTED IT ALL WAS FRENCH HEALTH MINISTER
OLIVIER VERAN, WHO TWEETED THIS PIC OF HIMSELF WITH ONLY THE
WORD "VACCINEÉ."
A GREAT PUBLIC HEALTH MESSAGE AND GOOD P.R. FOR THE LAUNCH OF
HIS NEW FRAGRANCE "VACCINEÉ."
THE ONLY THING CONTAGIOUS NOW...
IS PASSION.
( IN FRENCH ACCENT ) CONTINUE ON...
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IT'S BLACK HISTORY MONTH AND SOME PROGRESS
IS BEING DRIZZLED ON A STACK OF INJUSTICE BECAUSE PEPSI-CO, INC.
HAS ANNOUNCED IT IS RE-BRANDING AUNT JEMIMA TO "PEARL MILLING
COMPANY."
THAT IS BORING.
TRULY, THE "WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM" OF PANCAKE MIX.
THAT COULDN'T BE MORE DULL IF THEY'D NAMED IT "THE
CONSOLIDATED BREAKFAST CONSORTIUM AND GLOBAL PANCAKE
INDUSTRIES, L.L.C. MIXABLE MORNING PASTE."
THE NAME COMES FROM THE 19TH-CENTURY BUSINESS THAT
CREATED THE ORIGINAL PANCAKE MIX.
CAN WE TAKE ANOTHER LOOK AT THE NEW LOGO?
OKAY, THEY KEPT THE SAME COLOR SCHEME AND FONT SIZE, WAIT A
SEC, CAN WE ZOOM IN TO THE RIGHT CORNER?
JUMPIN JEHOSHAPHAT!
IT STILL SAYS AUNT JEMIMA ON THE BOX, AND SAYS "NEW NAME, SAME
GREAT TASTE."
SO, SHE'S FORCED TO REMAIN IN ORDER TO EARN THE COMPANY MONEY?
DOES THAT ARRANGEMENT RING ANY BELLS?
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO REMOVE THE BAD THING, NOT REMIND US OF IT.
THAT'S LIKE IF AFTER THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT THEY CHANGED THE
SIGNS TO SAY, "NEW, INCLUSIVE WATER FOUNTAIN, SAME WHITES
ONLY FLAVOR!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, "HUSTLER
MAGAZINE" FOUNDER LARRY FLYNT HAS DIED AT AGE 78.
IN LIEU OF FLOWERS, THE FAMILY ASKS THAT YOU SEND NUDES.
FLYNT WAS A TITAN IN THE PORN BIZ.
OVER THE YEARS, HIS COMPANY PRODUCED NOT ONLY "HUSTLER," BUT
OTHER NICHE PUBLICATIONS.
BY WHICH I MEAN PUBLICATIONS THAT FEATURE PHOTOS OF PEOPLE'S
NICHES.
ALSO NOOKS AND, OCCASIONALLY, CRANNIES.
FOR THE BULL BUTTER TO COLLECT I WHEN WE COME BACK, FIRST DRAFTS
OF VALENTINE'S DAY CARDS WITH A VERY SPECIAL MY WIFE.
STICK AROUND.
♪♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY!
WELCOME BACK.
VALENTINE'S DAY IS THIS WEEKEND.
WINE, CANDY, AND CHOCOLATES...
ALL THINGS YOU'VE BEEN EATING EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR, SO YOU'LL
WANT TO THINK OF SOMETHING NEW.
MAYBE GIVE HER A NICE SET OF RADIAL TIRES.
BUT VALENTINE'S DAY ALSO MEANS CARDS.
AND AS TALENTED AS THEY ARE, THE PEOPLE WHO WRITE THOSE CARDS
DON'T ALWAYS NAIL IT ON THE FIRST TRY.
WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT WE'RE TAKING A LOOK AT SOME EARLY
GREETING CARD EFFORTS IN OUR SEGMENT, "FIRST DRAFTS."
♪♪♪ >> NO, NO!
STUPID!
♪♪♪ >> Stephen: NOW, ORDINARILY, I
WOULD DO A BIG SHOW OF TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE TO DO FIRST DRAFTS
WITH ME.
BUT YOU KNOW WHO IT IS -- THE ONE, THE ONLY EVIE MAGEE, MY
WIFE IS HERE, SOMETIMES COLBERT.
IT COMES AND GOES.
>> IT'S CONFUSING.
>> Stephen: IT IS.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, DARLING.
>> HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: GOT YOU BEAUTIFUL CHOCOLATE COVERED STRAWBERRIES.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO GIVE MY WIFE A PILE OF VALENTINES
CARDS.
THE TOP CARD WOULD BE SOLD TO YOU AT A DRUGSTORE.
BELOW THAT IS THE FIRST DRAFT OF THE CARD THAT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH
TO BE SOLD.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE PREMISE.
>> I DO.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
DO YOU WANT A ST STRAWBERRY?
MY DARLING, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY DAY.
HERE'S A NICE ONE.
IT SAYS "HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY... WE HAVE GREAT CHEMISTRY."
WHICH WE REALLY DO.
>> WE DO.
SOMETIMES.
>> Stephen: SOMETIMES...
27 YEARS?
27 YEARS.
>> OH YOU'RE PRETENDING YOU DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: 27 OR 28.
OCTOBER IS 28.
>> Stephen: IT'S JUST GETTING HOTTER.
>> UTTER JOY.
>> Stephen: JUST GETTING HOTTER.
>> Stephen: BUT THE ORIGINAL DRAFT SAID, HAPPY VALENTINE'S
DAY.
THERE'S NO ONE I'D RATHER RUN THIS METH LAB WITH."
MIGHT HAVE SET UP THE PUNCH LINE TOO FAR FROM THAT ONE.
MIGHT WANT TO KEEP THE BANTER -- >> THIS IS NICE, YOU BROUGHT JOY
INTO MY LIFE.
>> Stephen: YES, THIS ONE, AS SHE JUST TOLD YOU,
SAYS "YOU BROUGHT JOY INTO MY LIFE.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY."
>> VERY SWEET.
>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID "YOU BROUGHT JOY INTO MY LIFE...
BUT I'M NOT INTO THIS THROUPLE, IT'S TIME FOR JOY TO MOVE OUT."
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE PREMISE OF THAT.
>> I THINK SO.
>> Stephen: DO YOU?
I'LL EXPLAIN IT TO YOU LATER.
>> IN THAT SITUATION, AM I JOY?
>> Stephen: YES.
AND MARK IS THE -- THIRD OF OUR THROUPLE, I THINK.
( LAUGHTER ) DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS FOR
VALENTINE'S DAY DAY?
>> DO I HAVE ANY PLANS?
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS FOR VALENTINE'S DAY DAY,
SIMPLE QUESTION.
>> I DO NOT.
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU LIKE TO SPEND IT WITH ME?
( LAUGHTER ) >> YES, I WOULD LIKE TO SPEND
VALENTINE'S DAY WITH YOU.
>> Stephen: I WOULD LIKE TO SPEND VALENTINE'S DAY WITH YOU,
TOO.
WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING.
IT'S COVID.
>> I DO HAVE A THOUGHT.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR THOUGHT?
>> SO YOU KNOW HOW I LIKE TAKING MY PELOTON CLASSES, SO I TOOK A
PELOTON CLASS IN '80s MUSIC, REMEMBER I TOLD YOU.
>> Stephen: YEP.
AND THE TEACHER I LOVE, JEN SHERMAN, TALKED ABOUT RIDING
AROUND IN HER CAR IN THE MID '80s WITH HER MIXED TAPE MUSIC
BLARING.
I THINK WE SHOULD GET IN THE CAR AND DRIVE AROUND LIKE WE WERE
TEENAGERS.
NO PODCAST OR NEWS.
>> Stephen: JUST YOU AND ME.
MAYBE BENNY.
>> Stephen: MAYBE THE DOG.
MAYBE.
>> Stephen: MAYBE.
COULD I HAVE THE -- MM-HMM.
THIS ONE TAKES A MORE POETIC APPROACH.
OUR LOVE IS LIKE THE OCEAN...
BOUNDLESS.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID: OUR LOVE IS LIKE THE OCEAN...
ONLY 5% HAS BEEN EXPLORED AND WE'RE TERRIFIED OF WHAT LIES IN
THE DARKNESS.
>> OH, GOD, I THINK THAT'S VERY FUNNY.
>> Stephen: THAT IS THE REACTION WHEN YOU FIND SOMETHING
FUNNY, TO STATE THAT IT IS FUNNY.
THAT IS THE NOTHING MORE A COMEDIAN WANTS TOP HEAR THAN 400
PEOPLE GOING, THAT IS FUNNY.
( LAUGHTER ) I FIND THAT AMUSING.
BREATHTAKINGLY LEVEL-HEADED GIRL I MARRIED.
THAT IS EVIE-APPROVED IS WHAT THAT JOKE IS.
>> CHECK.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY.
( CLEARING THROAT ) THIS IS A GOOD ONE.
THIS ONE HAS A CLASSIC TALE.
IT SAYS, "I FINALLY FOUND MY ROMEO" AND
NOTHING CAN KEEP US APART.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "I FINALLY FOUND MY ROMEO... SO IF
I EVER SEEM DEAD, FOR GOD'S SAKE JUST WAIT A MINUTE BEFORE YOU
KILL YOURSELF, I MIGHT JUST BE IN A NACHO COMA!"
( LAUGHTER ) THERE YOU GO.
THIS IS NICE ONE.
IT SAYS, "YOU'RE EVERY BIT AS BEAUTIFUL AS THE MOMENT WE MET.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, MY LOVE."
THAT IS TRUE.
>> VERY SWEET.
>> Stephen: YOU ARE MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN THE MOMENT WE
MET.
>> THAT IS VERY SWEET.
A LONG, LONG, LONG TIME SINCE THE MOMENT WE FIRST MET.
>> Stephen: BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, YOU'RE
EVERY BIT AS BEAUTIFUL AS THE MOMENT WE MET... WHICH WAS
SECONDS AGO WHEN I HANDED YOU THIS CARD.
I'M PAUL, BY THE WAY.
HOPE THIS ISN'T WEIRD."
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY DAY, DARLING.
>> THANK YOU, SWEETHEART.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COUNTRY MUSIC STAR
BLAKE SHELTON.
DID YOU SAY KISS?
OKAY.
♪♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A COUNTRY MUSIC SUPERSTAR AND LONGTIME
COACH ON "THE VOICE."
PLEASE WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW," BLAKE SHELTON.
BLAKE, THANKS FOR BEING HERE.
>> THANK YOU, BUDDY.
THANK YOU.
APPLAUDING FOR HIMSELF.
>> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
I WAS JUST APPLAUDING FOR MYSELF.
I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING.
>> Stephen: I'M YOUR ONLY AUDIENCE THESE DAYS.
IT'S LONELY.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
YOU'RE MY ONLY AUDIENCE THESE DAYS.
( LAUGHTER ) I LOVE YOUR BACKDROP BECAUSE
YOU'RE IN COLOR BUT EVERYTHING BEHIND YOU IS MONOCHROMATIC,
IT'S LIKE YOU'RE CALLING FROM THE 1950s.
>> YOU KNOW, LISTEN -- THANK YOU, BY THE WAY.
I'M IN A HOUSE WITH A WAY BIGGER >> Stephen: YES.
HE GETS, LIKE, THE OTHER -- THE PROFESSIONAL ZOOM ROOM.
SO I'M IN THE BEDROOM.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE BEEN BANISHED.
>> WELL, YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU GUYS HAVE BOTH GOTTEN PLENTY OF ATTENTION IN
THE LAST WEEK BECAUSE YOU HAD A BIG NIGHT SUNDAY.
OF COURSE, WE ALL WATCH THE SUPER BOWL FOR THE COMMERCIALS,
AND YOU, AND GWEN HAD ONE OF THE BIGGEST, OVER 20 MILLION PEOPLE
HAVE WATCHED IT SO FAR, AND WE HAVE A LITTLE CLIP OF IT RIGHT
HERE I WOULDN'T MIND SHOWING THE AUDIENCE.
HI, JIM.
>> HEY, ADAM.
GWEN STEFANI, WHAT'S HAPPENING?
IS.
>> I'M READY TO DATE AGAIN.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR.
I WANT SOMEBODY DIFFERENT MAYBE FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY AND
SOMEONE CULTURED AND SENSITIVE AND NOT THREATENED BY A STRONG,
COMPETENT WOMAN.
>> ON A SPOTTY NET YRK THIS IS WHAT ADAM HEARD.
>> I WANT SOMEBODY UNCULTURED, COUNTRY, AND THREATENED BY A
STRONG CONFIDENT WOMAN.
>> IT'S NOT WINGS OR NACHOS.
IT'S WINGS AND NACHOS.
SEND MY ONION RINGS DOWN HERE!
>> I HAVE YOUR GUY.
GWEN.
BLAKE?
MMM -- OH, MY GOD HILARIOUS, RIGHT?
I MEAN...
NO.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THAT SEEMS LIKE AN
HONEST AD IS WHAT IT SEEMS LIKE.
WERE YOU SURPRISE BY THE RESPONSE?
>> LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, MAN, I HAVE BEEN IN THIS
BUSINESS NOW AS FAR AS BEING A COUNTRY SINGER FOR 20 YEARS.
THIS YEAR IS 20 YEARS.
AND I'VE HAD SOME GOOD LUCK OVER THE YEARS, I'VE WON SOME AWARDS
AND HIGH POINTS IN MY LIFE AND CLEARLY THAT DIDN'T MATTER
COMPARED TO BEING IN A SUPER BOWLCOMMERCIAL.
YOU WIN AN AWARD AND PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE WILL TEXT YOU AND TELL
YOU -- AND I'VE HAD A LITTLE BIT BUT NOT UNTIL I WAS IN A SUPER
BOWL COMMERCIAL DID I FEEL LIKE I CONNECTED WITH.
NOW I OFFICIALLY KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE WATCH THE SUPER BOWL.
MY PHONE WAS ON FIRE.
IT WAS MELTING THAT NIGHT.
>> Stephen: IT'S THE LAST THING WE ALL DO IN THE NATION.
IT'S STILL 100 MILLION PEOPLE DOING IT.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING THAT SURPRISES A LOT
OF PEOPLE, AND I'M NOT SURE THAT YOU'RE AWARE OF THIS, IS THAT
YOU'RE ENGAGED THE TO GWEN STEFANI.
WHAT THE -- I MEAN, YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE GUY, YOU'RE TALENTED
AND EVERYTHING, BUT SHE'S GWEN STEFANI!
WHAT'S GOING ON, BLAKE SHELTON?
>> NOBODY'S MORE SHOCKED ABOUT THIS THAN I AM.
I KNOW PEOPLE -- IT'S LIKE IT MAKES NO SENSE.
I CAN SEE THAT YOU'RE LOOKING AT THAT PICTURE NOW GOING WHAT THE
HELL JUST HAPPENED?
>> Stephen: AND SHE SEEMS HAPPY ABOUT IT.
AT FIRST, I THOUGHT IT WAS A DARE OR SOMETHING, SHE LOST A
BET, BUT SHE REALLY SEEMS HAPPY HERE.
CONGRATULATIONS FIRST OF ALL.
>> BRING IT ON, I CAN TAKE IT.
I CAN TAKE IT.
BRING IT ON.
I UNDERSTAND.
TRUST ME, I UNDERSTAND.
YOU CAN'T BLAME ME FOR NOT JUMPING AT THE OPPORTUNITY,
THOUGH.
>> Stephen: 100%.
100%.
>> THANKS A LOT.
OKAY.
FAIR ENOUGH.
>> Stephen: WELL, MAZEL TOV.
THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: PLEASE GIVE MY BEST WISHES TO YOUR FIANCEÉ.
>> SHE LOVES YOU, BY THE WAY.
>> Stephen: I'M A HUGE FAN.
WE HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME WHEN SHE WAS ON HERE.
>> YOU TAUGHT HER THE CORRECT SPELLING OF BANANAS.
>> Stephen: SHE DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO SPELL BANANA.
THAT'S MY ONE PROBLEM WITH HER.
YOU'VE GOT THE NEW ALBUM HERE.
THIS IS A NEW SINGLE, RIGHT?
>> NEW SINGLE.
WE HAVEN'T FOUND A HOME FOR THAT SINGLE YET.
THERE'S STILL NOT AN ALBUM OUT.
WE'RE JUST PUTTING OUT SINGLES THESE DAYS, I GUESS.
THE ALBUM WILL PROBABLY COME LATER THIS YEAR, BUT THIS IS THE
NEW SINGLE "MINIMUM WAGE," YES.
>> Stephen: WELL, WHAT'S THE SONG ABOUT?
>> IT'S ABOUT -- >> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT IT
SAYS RIGHT HERE, WHAT'S THE SONG ABOUT?
EVERYBODY'S LAUGHING.
HE'S LAUGHING WHEN I ASK THE QUESTION.
THE SONG IS NOT ABOUT THE MINIMUM WAGE.
PLEASE TELL ME IT'S NOT A DEBATE BETWEEN $7.25 AND $15 AN HOUR, I
DON'T THINK THAT'S THE PLACE IN POPULAR MUSIC TO BE DEBATING
THIS.
PLEASE TELL ME -- >> THE SONG IS ABOUT NOT HAVING
VERY MUCH MONEY SUCKS BUT HAVING LOVE MAKES IT A WHOLE LOT
BETTER.
>> Stephen: IT DOES.
NOT MUCH MONEY AND LOVE, AND THEN LOVE AND A LOT OF MONEY,
THOSE ARE THE STAGES WE ALL WANT TO GO THROUGH.
TAKE THE LOVE FIRST.
>> EXACTLY.
NO, YOU KNOW, IT'S A COMMON THEME, I GUESS, IN COUNTRY
MUSIC, ANYWAY, ABILITY HOW TOUGH TIMES, THEY SUCK, BUT IF YOU'RE
WITH THE PERSON YOU LOVE, IT MAKES IT A WHOLE LOT EASIER.
THAT'S WHAT THE SONG IS ABOUT.
>> Stephen: YOU SAID YOU HAVE BEEN IN COUNTRY MUSIC 20 YEARS
BUT BREAKING THROUGH YOU MUST HAVE BEEN TERRIBLE JOBS,
SPEAKING OF MINIMUM WAGE.
>> I FOUND THIS OUT ABOUT YOU EARLIER THAT SURPRISED ME.
THE TOUGHEST JOB THAT I HOPE THAT I WILL EVER HAVE FOR THE
REST OF MY LIFE, I ROOFED HOUSES FOR TWO YEARS, AND I GUESS -- I
DON'T KNOW EVEN KNOW IF I MADE MINIMUM WAGE TO BE HONEST WITH
YOU.
I MADE WHATEVER THEY WERE PAYING A KID IN OKLAHOMA -- I WAS A
TEAR-OFF GUY.
BUT YOU ROOFED HOUSES, TOO, THEY SAID.
>> Stephen: I WAS MOSTLY DEMO, AND IT WAS FOR A -- I WAS A -- I
WAS A TEENAGER AND I WAS GETTING MEANL, WHICH I THINK WAS
$3.25 BACK THEN OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
I MOSTLY HAULED THE TAR PAPER AND SHINGLES UP TO THE ROOF TO
THE GUYS DOING THE WORK.
IF YOU'VE GOT A SLOPED ROOF COMINGS INTO A CHIMNEY YOU HAVE
TO BUILD A CRITIC.
THAT'S ALL I REMEMBER.
>> HERE'S WHAT I REMEMBER.
I REMEMBER THE SHINGLES, IT WAS 4 INCHES OVER AND 4 INCHES DOWN,
RIGHT.
THAT'S HOW YOU GET THAT PATTERN GOING ACROSS THERE.
AND I REMEMBER WHEN I MADE IT I BUILT UP ENOUGH STRENGTH AT ONE
POINT, THE ONE TIME I WAS IN SHAPE IN MY LIFE, THAT I COULD
CARRY TWO BUNDLES OF SHINGLES AT ONE TIME UP THE LADDER.
THAT WAS WHAT MADE ME EXTRA HANDY ON THE WORK SITE.
>> Stephen: YOU'VE GOT A FALLBACKS TO IN CASE THIS MUSIC
THING DOESN'T TURN OUT.
YOU HAVE A SKILL, A TRADE TO TBAL FALL BACK ON.
>> I PRAY THAT I'M NEVER THAT HUNGRY EVER AGAIN BECAUSE I
DON'T THINK I COULD PHYSICALLY DO THE WORK.
I HAVE SO MUCH RESPECT FOR THOSE GUYS.
>> Stephen: WELL, BLAKE, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
STICK AROUND FOR A PERFORMANCE OF MINIMUM WAGE BY MR. BLAKE
SHELTON.
♪♪♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.
AND NOW, PERFORMING HIS SINGLE "MINIMUM WAGE," BLAKE SHELTON.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ YEAH, I MET YOU 'FORE ANYBODY KNEW MY NAME
♪ PLAYING FOR PENNIES ON THE DIVE BAR STAGE
♪ SPLIT AN ALL-STAR SPECIAL ON OUR FIRST DATE
♪ IN A WAFFLE HOUSE BOOTH YOUR DADDY WAS CRYING
♪ WHEN HE GAVE YOU AWAY 'CAUSE ALL THOSE COUNTRY
♪ SONGS I PLAYED THEY DIDN'T COME WITH A 401K
♪ BUT, HEY, I HAD YOU YOU CAN MAKE A SIX PACK
♪ ON THE CARPET TASTE LIKE A
♪ MILLION DOLLAR BILL YOU CAN MAKE A
♪ ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT FEEL LIKE A HOUSE
♪ UP ON THE HILL YOU CAN MAKE MY TRUCK
♪ OUT IN THE DRIVEWAY ROLL LIKE A
♪ CLEANED-UP CADILLAC GIRL, LOOKIN' AT YOU
♪ LOOKIN' AT ME THAT WAY CAN MAKE A MAN FEEL RICH
♪ ON MINIMUM WAGE GIRL, YOUR LOVE IS MONEY
♪ YOUR LOVE IS MONEY YEAH, YOUR LOVE
♪ CAN MAKE A MAN FEEL RICH ON MINIMUM WAGE
♪ GIRL, YOUR LOVE IS MONEY YOUR LOVE IS MONEY
♪ YEAH, YOUR LOVE CAN MAKE A MAN FEEL RICH
♪ ON MINIMUM WAGE YOU CAN GIVE ME A TAB
♪ THAT'S ALWAYS OPEN OR GIVE ME A YACHT
♪ PARKED OUT IN THE OCEAN BUT ALL THAT KEEPIN'
♪ WITH THE JONESES IT JUST AIN'T MY STYLE
♪ JUST GIVE ME SOME LIGHTS STRUNG OUT IN THE YARD
♪ GIVE ME A LAWN CHAIR UNDER THE STARS
♪ THE TOP OF THE WORLD'S RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE
♪ 'CAUSE EVERY TIME YOU SMILE YOU CAN MAKE A SIX PACK
♪ ON THE CARPET TASTE LIKE A
♪ MILLION DOLLAR BILL YOU CAN MAKE A
♪ ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT FEEL LIKE A HOUSE
♪ UP ON THE HILL YOU CAN MAKE MY TRUCK
♪ OUT IN THE DRIVEWAY ROLL LIKE A
♪ CLEANED-UP CADILLAC GIRL, LOOKIN' AT YOU
♪ LOOKIN' AT ME THAT WAY CAN MAKE A MAN FEEL RICH
♪ ON MINIMUM WAGE GIRL, YOUR LOVE IS MONEY
♪ YOUR LOVE IS MONEY YEAH, YOUR LOVE
♪ CAN MAKE A MAN FEEL RICH ON MINIMUM WAGE
♪ GIRL, YOUR LOVE IS MONEY YOUR LOVE IS MONEY
♪ YEAH, YOUR LOVE CAN MAKE A MAN FEEL RICH
♪ ON MINIMUM WAGE ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
YOU CAN MAKE A SIX PACK ♪ ON THE CARPET
TASTE LIKE A ♪ MILLION DOLLAR BILL
YOU CAN MAKE A ♪ ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT
FEEL LIKE A HOUSE ♪ UP ON THE HILL
YOU CAN MAKE MY TRUCK ♪ OUT IN THE DRIVEWAY
ROLL LIKE A ♪ CLEANED-UP CADILLAC
GIRL, LOOKIN' AT YOU ♪ LOOKING AT ME THAT WAY
CAN MAKE A MAN FEEL RICH ♪ ON MINIMUM WAGE
GIRL, YOUR LOVE IS MONEY ♪ YOUR LOVE IS MONEY
YEAH, YOUR LOVE ♪ CAN MAKE A MAN FEEL RICH
ON MINIMUM WAGE ♪ GIRL, YOUR LOVE IS MONEY
YOUR LOVE IS MONEY ♪ YEAH, YOUR LOVE
CAN MAKE A MAN FEEL RICH ♪ ON MINIMUM WAGE
GIRL, YOUR LOVE IS MONEY ♪ YOUR LOVE IS MONEY
GIRL, YOUR LOVE ♪ CAN MAKE A MAN FEEL RICH
ON MINIMUM WAGE ♪ >> Stephen: BLAKE SHELTON,
EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "A LATE SHOW."
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.
Captioning sponsored by CBS Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
Captioning sponsored by CBS