>> COVID VARIANT ON THE MOVE.
A NEW MUTATION SPREADING RAPIDLY THROUGH NEW YORK CITY.
THE BIG QUESTION: CAN THE CONCERNING NEW VARIANT EVADE THE
VACCINE?
>> JUST WEAR A MASK!
>> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES
NEIL deGRASSE TYSON AND A SPECIAL PERFORMANCE BY JON
BATISTE.
AND NOW, LIVE oN TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE
BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: GOOD LORD!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND HOW LUCKY I AM TO BE YOUR HOST.
WHAT A SHOW WE HAVE.
WE HAVE NEIL deGRASSE TYSON.
PLUS GOLDEN GLOBE WINNER IS GOING TO PERFORM "HOW DID WE GET
THAT GUY?" UNBELIEVABLE.
I'M IN A GOOD MOOD TONIGHT, BECAUSE AFTER A LONG HARD YEAR
OF COVID, THINGS ARE FINALLY LOOKING UP, IN THAT CASES ARE
GOING DOWN.
AND THIS AFTERNOON, PRESIDENT BIDEN ANNOUNCED THAT, AFTER THE
F.D.A. APPROVED THE JOHNSON & JOHNSON VACCINE, THERE WILL NOW
BE ENOUGH VACCINE AVAILABLE FOR THE ENTIRE ADULT POPULATION IN
THE UNITED STATES BY THE END OF MAY.
MAY!
YES!
I COULD KISS THAT MAN!
BY THE END OF MAY.
SOME STATES HAVE DECIDED IT'S ALL OVER.
FOR INSTANCE, JUST A FEW HOURS AGO, TEXAS GOVERNOR GREG ABBOTT
SECEDED FROM REALITY, TWEETING, "I JUST ANNOUNCED TEXAS IS OPEN
100%.
EVERYTHING."
YOU HEAR THAT, IMMIGRANTS ON THE BORDER?
THE GOVERNOR SAID IT'S OPEN.
COME ON IN!
HE WENT ON TO TWEET, "I ALSO ENDED THE STATEWIDE MASK
MANDATE."
THAT'S RIGHT, NO MORE MASKS IN TEXAS!
SO, IF THEY SEE YOU WITH A BANDANA OVER YOUR FACE, YOU HAD
BETTER BE ROBBING A STAGECOACH!
THE ORDER INCREASED THE PERMITTED CAPACITY OF ALL
BUSINESSES TO 100%.
BUT ABBOTT LATER TWEETED, "TODAY'S ANNOUNCEMENT DOESN'T
ABANDON SAFE PRACTICES THAT TEXANS HAVE MASTERED OVER THE
PAST YEAR.
INSTEAD, IT'S A REMINDER THAT EACH PERSON HAS A ROLE TO PLAY
IN THEIR OWN PERSONAL SAFETY AND THE SAFETY OF OTHERS."
SURE, JUST LIKE REMOVING ALL THE STOP SIGNS FROM AN INTERSECTION
IS A REMINDER THAT EACH PERSON HAS A ROLE TO PLAY IN NOT
SMASHING INTO EACH OTHER.
IT'S NOT JUST TEXAS.
YESTERDAY, MASSACHUSETTS ANNOUNCED THE REOPENING OF
RESTAURANTS, MOVIE THEATERS, AND ROLLER SKATING RINKS.
ROLLER SKATING RINKS?
ARE THEY RE-OPENING THE STATE IN 1956?
( AS OLD MAN ) "SAY, YOUNGSTERS!
COME ON BACK TO THE MALT SHOPPES, THE DRIVE-INS, AND THE
GARAGE WHERE YOU FIXED GREASED LIGHTNING.
SEE YOU ALL AT THE SOCK HOP!
BE HOME BY 10:00, OR THE RUSSKIES WIN!"
NEW YORK STATE IS NOW ALLOWING THE REOPENING OF LARGE-EVENT
VENUES AND AMUSEMENT PARKS.
SO, HAVE SOME FUN AT CONEY ISLAND, NEW YORKERS!
IF WHEN YOU STEP ON A SYRINGE, REMEMBER TO TRY TO FIND A SECOND
ONE TO STEP ON IN 28 DAYS!
BUT ALL THESE STATES MAY NEED TO SLOW THEIR ROLL, ACCORDING TO
C.D.C. DIRECTOR AND GUIDANCE COUNSELOR TELLING YOU S.A.T.
SCORES AREN'T EVERYTHING, DR. ROCHELLE WALENSKY.
YESTERDAY, DR. WALENSKY ISSUED THIS WARNING:
>> NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO█ç RELAX THE CRITICAL SAFEGUARDS.
>> Stephen: OKAY, BUT CAN WE AT LEAST RELAX OUR SPHINCTERS?
BECAUSE MINE'S CLAMPED SHUT SO HARD, IT STARTED GRINDING!
MY DOCTOR SAYS I NEED TO GET A NIGHT GUARD!
I'M PUMPING OWMENT DIAMONDS.
THAT'S TOO FAR?
IN THE ROUGH.
IN ANOTHER BUZZ-SHACKLING INTERVIEW, DR. WALENSKY SAID
THAT SHE GETS IT.
>> TOGETHER, WE HAVE THE CAPACITY TO AVOID ANOTHER SURGE
IN OUR NATION.
I KNOW PEOPLE ARE TIRED, THEY WANT TO GET BACK TO LIFE, TO
NORMAL, BUT WE'RE NOT THERE YET.
>> Stephen: OKAY, COUNTER-POINT: HOW ABOUT NOW?
ARE WE THERE NOW?
BECAUSE OUR SCIENTISTS ARE STARTING TO SOUND LIKE PARENTS
ON A LONG ROAD TRIP.
"I KNOW YOU KIDS WANT TO GET HOME, KIDS, BUT IT'S JUST A FEW
MORE MILES, AND YOU'VE JUMPED OUT OF THE CAR.
TUCK AND ROLL, TUCK AND ROLL!"
( LAUGHTER ) BUT HERE'S THE THING: IT LOOKS
LIKE THE DIRECTOR OF THE CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL MIGHT KNOW
A THING OR TWO ABOUT CONTROLLING DISEASES, BECAUSE WHILE THE
NUMBERS ARE LOOKING GOOD, THEY'RE ABOUT THE SAME AS THEY
WERE LAST SUMMER.
AND LAST SUMMER WAS NO PICNIC-- IN THAT I DID NOT GO ON ANY
PICNICS.
BUT NORMAL LIFE IS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE, WAITING FOR US.
FOR INSTANCE, IN ISRAEL, ROYAL CARIBBEAN HAS BECOME THE FIRST
COMPANY TO OFFER "FULLY VACCINATED" CRUISES.
HELL, YEAH!
CRUISING'S BACK, BABY!
AND THANKS TO THE NEW VACCINATION, YOU DON'T HAVE TO
WORRY ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS.
JUST KICK BACK AND ENJOY DIARRHEA AND A HYPNOTIST SHOW ON
A FLOATING SHOPPING MALL THAT YOU CAN'T ESCAPE.
LIKE ROYALTY.█ç VACCINATED OR NO, SHARING A
BUFFET WITH HUNDREDS OF STRANGERS IN CLOSE QUARTERS
RIGHT NOW IS PRETTY MUCH THE LEAST-APPEALING CRUISE I CAN
IMAGINE.
OKAY, I STAND CORRECTED.
SORRY.
PLENTY OF PEOPLE ARE VERY INTERESTED IN HITTING THE OPEN
SEAS BECAUSE, APPARENTLY, AROUND-THE-WORLD CRUISES ARE
SELLING OUT MORE THAN A YEAR IN ADVANCE.
THOUGH, IT COULD JUST BE PEOPLE ARE WILLING TO PAY FOR ANYTHING
THAT MEANS THEY WON'T BE STUCK INSIDE IN A YEAR.
"HEY, 12 MONTHS FROM NOW, HOW'D YOU LIKE TO ROLL DOWN A STEEP
HILL IN A GARBAGE CAN?" "TAKE MY MONEY!"
THAT WAS TWO DIFFERENT CHARACTERS, BY THE WAY.
NOW THAT WE KNOW THE VACCINES ARE WORKING, THEY'VE BECOME
EXTREMELY VALUABLE.
IN FACT, INTERPOL IS WARNING OF A DRAMATIC INCREASE IN ARMED
ROBBERIES OF VACCINE SHIPMENTS.
YOU CAN LEARN ALL ABOUT IT IN THE NEW VIDEO GAME: "GRAND THEFT
AUTO: VIAL CITY."
YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHY THESE VIALS ARE A CRIME TARGET.
ON THE DARK WEB, COVID-19 VACCINES ARE ALREADY SELLING FOR
$200 PER DOSE.
NOW, BEFORE YOU TRY TO SCORE SOME PURE UNCUT 'VID 'VAC ON THE
STREET, IT MIGHT BE HUSTLED BY A DIFFERENT NAME: PFIZE-BALL,
DR. FAUCI'S MASK LOOSENER, CRACK-STROZENICA, JOHNSON &
JOHNSMACK, AND RIDING THE WHITE RIBONUCLEIC ACID-BASED IMMUNO
TECHNOLOGY.
TO PROTECT THE PRECIOUS CARGO, VACCINE TRUCKS ARE NOW UNMARKED,
AND HAVE TRUCK DRIVERS WITH A PANIC BUTTON ON THE DASHABOARD
IT ATHE HEADQUARTERS OF ANY DANGER, AND IF ALL THAT FAILS
THE TRUCKER CAN ALWAYS PELT THE THIEVES WITH A GATORADE BOTTLE
FULL OF PEE.
OF COURSE, ARMED ROBBERY IS NOT THE BIGGEST THREAT TO GETTING
EVERYBODY VACCINATED.
MISINFORMATON IS.
THAT'S WHY TODAY, TWITTER LAUNCHED A FIVE-STRIKE SYSTEM TO
BAN USERS WHO SPREAD COVID-19 LIES.
FIVE STRIKES?
IS THAT A THING NOW?
PLEASE TELL ME BASEBALL ISN'T GETTING LONER.
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS: EVERY TIME YOU LIE ABOUT COVID ON TWITTER,
YOU GET ONE STRIKE.
ONE STRIKE, NO ACCOUNT-LEVEL ACTION.
THEY JUST REMEMBER.
TWO STRIKES: 12-HOUR ACCOUNT LOCK.
THREE STRIKES: 12-HOUR ACCOUNT LOCK.
FOUR STRIKES: SEVEN-DAY ACCOUNT LOCK.
AND, FINALLY, FIVE STRIKES GETS YOU A PERMANENT SUSPENSION.
SO, THEY'VE SETTLED ON THE "TIRED PARENT" PUNISHMENT
METHOD: "BILLY!
BILLIE!
YOU SPRAY-PAINTED THE CAT?!
YOU DO THAT FOUR MORE TIMES, AND YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.
OKAY, KEEP SPRAYING.
THAT'S ONLY YOUR SECOND.
DADDY'S TAKING A NAP.
KEEP SPRAYING, BUDDY."
SPEAKING OF CONSEQUENCES, THERE COULD BE SOME ON THE WAY FOR NEW
YORK GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO, SEEN HERE WITH HIS RIGHT-HAND MAN WHO
MIGHT DESTROY HIS ADMINISTRATION.
CUOMO IS FACING CALLS TO RESIGN FROM MEMBERS OF HIS OWN PARTY
AFTER TWO WOMEN ACCUSED HIM OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT IN THE
WORPLACE.
BUT IT TURNS OUT, THAT WASN'T EXACTLY ACCURATE, BECAUSE HE
WAS ALSO DOING IT OUTSIDE THE WORKPLACE.
YESTERDAY, A THIRD PERSON, ANNA RUCK, ACCUSED THE GOVERNOR
OF MAKING AN UNWANTED ADVANCE AT HER IN 2019 AT A CROWDED NEW
YORK CITY WEDDING RECEPTION.
ACCORDING TO RUCH, WHILE SPEAKING WITH CUOMO AT THE
WEDDING, HE PUT HIS HAND ON HER BARE LOWER BACK.
AND WHEN SHE REMOVED HIS HAND WITH HER OWN, HE PLACED HIS
HANDS ON HER CHEEKS AND REMARKED THAT SHE SEEMED "AGGRESSIVE."
OKAY, SO IF HE THINKS PROTECTING YOURSELF IS AN ACT OF
AGGRESSION, THAT DOES EXPLAIN THE SAFETY SIGNS IN CUOMO
OFFICE.
"IN CASE OF FIRE, JUST LET IT HAPPEN OR YOU'LL LOOK LIKE A
PUSHY DAME."
BUT IT GETS WORSE BECAUSE, REPORTEDLY, CUOMO THEN ASKED IF
HE COULD KISS HER, LOUDLY ENOUGH FOR A FRIEND STANDING NEARBY TO
HEAR, AND LOUD ENOUGH FOR THE FRIEND TO PHOTOGRAPH IT.
OKAY, SHE LOOKS CREEPED OUT, AND HE LOOKS CREEP.
IT DOESN'T HELP THAT HE'S THE COLOR OF HELLBOY.
HE LOOKS LIKE ON THE R.S.V.P.
CARD, HE SKIPPED "CHICKEN" AND "FISH," AND SELECTED "FLESH OF
THE INNOCENT."
OH, THERE'S BIG NEWS FROM THE LITERARY WORLD: DR. SEUSS
ENTERPRISES, THE COMPANY CHARGED WITH PROTECTING DR. SEUSS'
LEGACY, ANNOUNCED THIS MORNING THAT SIX DR. SEUSS BOOKS WILL
STOP BEING PUBLISHED BECAUSE OF THEIR RACIST AND INSENSITIVE
IMAGERY.
THE BOOKS IN QUESTION ARE "AND TO THINK THAT I SAW IT ON
MULBERRY STREET," "IF I RAN THE ZOO," "SCRAMBLED EGGS SUPER!"
"McELLIGOT'S POOL," "ON BEYOND ZEBRA!" "THE CAT'S QUIZZER," AND
"GREEN EGGS AND MATT LAUER."
( LAUGHTER ) AFTER REVIEWING THE CONTENTS OF
THE DR. SEUSS CATALOG, DR. SEUSS ENTERPRISES MADE THE DECISION TO
CUT OUT CERTAIN BOOKS, SAYING IN A STATEMENT THAT, "CEASING SALES
OF THESE BOOKS IS ONLY PART OF OUR COMMITMENT TO ENSURE
DR. SEUSS ENTERPRISE'S CATALOG REPRESENTS AND SUPPORTS ALL
COMMUNITIES AND FAMILIES."
IT'S A RESPONSIBLE MOVE ON THEIR PART.
THERE HADN'T BEEN AN EARTH-SHATTERING OUTCRY, BUT
THEY RECOGNIZED THE IMPACT THAT THESE IMAGES MIGHT HAVE ON
READERS, ESPECIALLY KIDS, AND THEY'RE TRYING TO FIX IT,
BECAUSE DR. SEUSS BOOKS SHOULD BE FUN FOR ALL PEOPLE:
BLACK, WHITE, STRAIGHT, GAY, SNEETCHES-- BOTH STAR-BELLIED
AND PLAIN-- LORAXES, BARBALOOTS, ALL THE WHOS DOWN IN WHOVILLE,
AND THE STRANGE ANGRY CREATURE NAMED FOO-FOO THE SNOO.
AND IT'S ESPECIALLY IMPORTANT TO BE RESPONSIVE LIKE THIS, BECAUSE
DR. SEUSS HAS ALSO SO MANY BOOKS THAT ARE LOVELY AND TEACH VITAL
LESSONS THAT RESONATE TO THIS DAY.
"HORTON HEARS A WHO!" IS ABOUT LISTENING TO UNDERREPRESENTED
VOICES.
"THE BUTTER BATTLE BOOK," TEACHES TOLERANCE.
"THE LORAX" TEACHES ENVIRONMENTAL ETHICS.
AND "HOP ON POP" WARNS AGAINST THE DANGERS OF POP-HOPPING.
THE NEXT THING THAT POPS MIGHT BE HIS AORTA!
AND I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY THEY'RE PULLING A SMALL NUMBER OF HIS
BOOKS.
"IF I RAN THE ZOO" SHOWS RACIST DEPICTIONS OF ASIAN CHARACTERS,
SAYING THEY'RE "FROM COUNTRIES NO ONE CAN SPELL."
SO, "CHINA," TOO DIFFICULT TO SPELL.
BUT "SOLLA SOLLEW"?
SPELLED LIKE IT SOUNDS.
THE DR. SEUSS FOLKS LISTENED TO CRITICISM, THOUGHT IT WAS
REASONABLE, AND MADE WHAT'S CALLED "A CHANGE"-- OR AS IT'S
KNOWN ON FOX NEWS, "CANCEL CULTURE."
>> DR. SEUSS ESSENTIALLY HAS BEEN CANCELED.
>> THEY WANT TO CANCEL DR. SEUSS.
>> DR. SEUSS SHOULD NOT BE CANCELED IN YOUR HOME.
>> THERE'S NO PLACE THEY WON'T GO.
THEY'RE CANCELING DR. SEUSS FROM READING PROGRAMS.
I MEAN, THESE ARE BOOKS-- I LITERALLY KNOW "THE CAT IN THE
HAT" BY HEART WITHOUT THE BOOK THERE.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT SURPRISED DON JUNIOR LOVES "CAT IN THE
HAT."
I'VE ALWAYS BELIEVED HE CAN READ AT A SECOND-GRADE LEVEL.
ALSO, I THINK HIS DAD CALLS HIM AND ERIC "THING ONE" AND "THING
TWO."
BUT IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT THESE CHILDREN'S BOOKS BEING
REMOVED FROM THE SHELVES, WE HERE AT "A LATE SHOW" HAVE JUST
THE BOOK FOR YOU: IT'S "OH, THE BOOKS YOU CAN
READ."
( CLEARS THROAT ) SO, THE BOOK NEWS YOU HEARD
TODAY JUST GOT YOUR GOOSE.
AND NOW YOU'RE DEFENSIVE OF OL' DR. SEUSS.
IF YOU FIND THAT YOUR BOOKSHELF JUST GOT A LITTLE BIT DULLER,
CONSIDER THESE KIDS' BOOKS FROM PEOPLE OF COLOR.
THERE'S LOTS OF NEW STORIES YOU MIGHT FIND QUITE GOOD.
LIKE "EEMANI'S MOON" BY JANAY BROWN WOOD.
WANT MORE SUGGESTIONS?
NO NEED TO KEEP HOPIN'.
JUST PICK UP "FIREBIRD" BY THE MISTY COPELAND.
AND THIS ONE RIGHT HERE IS THE REAL "REAL McCOY."
IT'S THOMEESHA BOOKER'S GREAT BOOK, "BROWN BOY JOY."
THERE'S A WHOLE RANGE OF BOOKS THAT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL MERRY,
LIKE THIS ONE, CALLED "HAIR LOVE" BY MATHEW A. CHERRY.
THERE ARE SO MANY STORIES.
A WHOLE GREAT ASSORTY!
IT'S FUN TO READ BOOKS WRITTEN AFTER THE '40s.
SO DON'T BE SO CANCELLY-CULTURE-Y-WHINEY.
READ THESE BOOKS AFTER PULLING YOUR HEAD FROM YOUR HEINIE.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
I'LL BE TALKING TO ASTROPHYSICIST NEIL deGRASSE
TYSON.
AND LATER, A SPECIAL PERFORMANCE BY OUR FRIEND, JON BATISTE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
I'M GOING TO CHECK-- I'M GOING TO CHECK THIS ONE OUT.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
LET'S SAY HELLO TO MR. JONA BATISTE.
JON, ARE YOU AS EXCITED AS I AM OF TONIGHT'S MUSICAL GUEST?
I'M A BIG FAN.
>> Jon: I LIKE THAT GUY.
HE'S GOING.
>> Stephen: HE'S A COMER.
HE'S THE COMING MAN IS WHAT HE IS.
WHAT SONG ARE YOU DOING US TONIGHT FROM YOUR NEW ALBUM "WE
ARE"?
>> Jon: I'M GOING TO DO "I NEED YOU."
I WANT TO DO THAT BECAUSE WE NEED THE JOY.
WE NEED EACH OTHER, BABY.
>> Stephen: AND IT'S PACKED WITH IT.
IT'S PACKED WITH JOY LIKE PENUTS IN A SNICKER'S BAR.
GIVE US A LITTLE TEASE OF WHAT'S COMING.
>> Jon: JUST A LITTLE BIT.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: STICK AROUND FOR
THAT, EVERYBODY.
JON BATISTE.
>> Jon: GOT TO WAIT FOR THE RIFFUPON
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, EVERY NIGHT I SCOUR THE DIAMOND MARKET
FOR THE SHINIEST, MOST TOPICAL GEMS OF STORIES, THEN I LOVINGLY
ARRANGE AND SET THEM INTO A HAND-CAST, SOLID, 24-CARAT GOLD
NECKLACE TO CREATE FOR YOU THE CARTIER MASTERPIECE THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES I GET ARRESTED FOR ILLEGALLY
TRADING BOOTLEG ENDANGERED MEAT AND GET SENT UP FOR A FIVE SPOT
WHERE ME AND SPIDER, WHO GOT PINCHED FOR HIS GOAT FIGHTING
RING, SCRAPE TOGETHER SOME BOTTLE CAPS, BUSTED PRETZELS,
AND DISCARDED LIFE SAVERS CANDIES WE FOUND IN THE
INFIRMARY AFTER A JUMP-OFF, STRING 'EM ONTO SOME GREASY HAIR
WE STOLE FROM CRUSHER'S PONYTAIL WHILE HE WAS KNOCKED OUT ON HIS
MEDS, ALL TO CREATE FOR YOU THE PRISON CRAFTROOM CHOKER OF NEWS
THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"
>> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE, "CATS ARE JUST AS DISLOYAL AS
YOU SUSPECTED, A NEW STUDY SUGGESTS."
WHICH MEANS WE HAVE BREAKING NEWS:
♪ ♪ ♪ CATS ARE (BLEEP).
IN 2015, RESEARCHERS "HAD DOGS SEE A SITUATION IN WHICH A THIRD
PARTY WOULD EITHER HELP THEIR OWNER OR TURN THEIR BACK ON
THEM."
WHEN THE THIRD PARTY SPURNED THE OWNER'S PLEA FOR HELP, THE DOGS
SEEMINGLY TOOK IT PERSONALLY AND TENDED TO AVOID TAKING A TREAT
FROM THEM."
WHEREAS, IN THE EXACT SAME TEST, "CATS SHOWED NO PREFERENCE
FOR PEOPLE WHO TREAT THEIR OWNERS POSITIVELY OVER THOSE
WHO BEHAVE NEGATIVELY TOWARDS THEM."
CONFIRMED: YOUR CAT DOES NOT HAVE YOUR BACK.
"HEY, I NOTICE YOU'VE BEEN STABBED IN THE NECK, MASTER.
YOU MIND SHOWING YOUR ASSAILANT WHERE THE PANTRY IS BEFORE YOU
PASS OUT?
THAT TUNA ISN'T GONNA OPEN ITSELF."
ALSO, BAD NEWS FOR BOND VILLAINS.
THAT CAT MAY TURN ON YOU.
THAT'S WHY Q ALWAYS GIVES JAMES BOND A PEN THAT ALSO WORKS AS A
LASER POINTER.
AND THIS BRINGS ME TO MORE BREAKING NEWS:
♪ ♪ ♪ BREAKING NEWS: "DOGS GIVE A
RAT'S ASS IF YOU LIVE OR DIE."
WHO SPURNS MY NEMESIS?
YOU DO!
YOU GOT A VENDETTA.
YOU DO!
GOOD BOY!
QUARANTINE-WHILE, THE MEDICAL DIRECTOR OF ENGLAND'S NATIONAL
HEALTH SERVICE HAS WARNED AGAINST TAKING GWYNETH PALTROW'S
COVID ADVICE.
NOW, WAIT JUST A VAGINA CANDLE MINUTE!
IF WE CAN'T TRUST THE ACTOR LADY WHO SELLS YONI ROCKS AND
VA-JAY-JAY STEAMERS FOR MEDICAL ADVICE, WHO CAN WE TRUST?!
REESE WITHERSPOON?
SHE DOESN'T SELL ANYTHING TO JAM UP MY ORIFICES.
I GUESS DRAPER JAMES SELLS SUNGLASSES, BUT WHY WOULD I JAM
THEM WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE?!
IT SEEMS PALTROW HAS BEEN CLAIMING YOU CAN RELIEVE COVID
EFFECTS WITH DUBIOUS TREATMENTS, LIKE A "KETO AND PLANT-BASED"
DIET, "LOTS OF COCONUT AMINOS" AND SUGAR-FREE KOMBUCHA AND
KIMCHI," AND "INTUITIVE FASTING."
AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT "INTUITIVE FASTING" MEANS, THINK
OF IT AS "CONSCIOUSLY UNCOUPLING" FROM NUTRIENTS.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN MEAT NEWS, AUTHORITIES SEIZED NEARLY 300
POUNDS OF CONTRABAND BOLOGNA AT THE SOUTHERN BORDER.
NO WORD ON THE IDENTITY OF THE BOLOGNA CARTEL'S LEADER.
SO FAR, ALL THEY KNOW IS HE DOES HAVE A FIRST NAME, AND IT'S
"O-S-C-A-R."
NOW, IT'S ILLEGAL TO BRING FOREIGN BOLOGNA INTO THE U.S.,
IN PART, DUE TO THE RISK OF TRANSMITTING FOREIGN DISEASES.
BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING PEOPLE WHO EAT BOLOGNA ARE KNOWN
FOR, IT'S BEING HEALTH CONSCIOUS.
NOW, LONGTIME VIEWERS OF THE "QUARANTINE-WHILE" SUPER-SEGMENT
"MEANWHILE" MIGHT BE EXPERIENCING A STRONG SENSE OF
DEJA VU, BECAUSE IN NOVEMBER OF 2019, I NOTED A SIMILAR STORY:
MEANWHILE, IN MEAT NEWS, CUSTOMS AND BORDER PROTECTION SEIZED 154
POUNDS OF "PROHIBITED BOLOGNA" THIS WEEK AT THE U.S.-MEXICO
BORDER CROSSING IN EL PASO, TEXAS.
BORDER PATROL AGENTS SEIZED THE MEAT, BUT THE CRIMINAL FLED THE
SCENE.
SO AUTHORITIES ARE ASKING THE PUBLIC TO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR
THIS VEHICLE.
( LAUGHTER ) WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEWEST
"QUARANTINE-WHILE" SUB-SUBSEGMENT: "TOLD YA SO."
TONIGHT "ON TOLD YA SO": TOLD YA SO.
I WARNED AMERICA ABOUT THE GROWING BOLOGNA THREAT, AND YET,
AMERICA DID NOTHING.
AND NOW IT'S GROWN FROM 154 POUNDS OF PROHIBITED BOLOGNA TO
NEARLY 300 POUNDS OF "CONTRABAND BOLOGNA."
AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S NEXT: 600 POUNDS OF "FORBIDDEN
BOLOGNA."
AND YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHERE THEY'RE HIDING IT.
LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY: YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO PUT A PAIR OF
DRAPER JAMES SUNGLASSES THERE.
TAKE ACTION, AMERICA, BECAUSE WE CAN EITHER DO SOMETHING NOW OR
SEE THIS ALL PLAY OUT LATER IN THE UPCOMING SERIES: "NARCOS:
DELI COUNTER."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH NEIL deGRASSE TYSON.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS THE DIRECTOR OF THE HAYDEN PLANETARIUM AT THE
AMERICAN MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY, THE HOST OF "STAR TALK"
AND "COSMOS," AND THE AUTHOR OF THE NEW BOOK, "COSMIC QUERIES."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW," NEIL deGRASSE TYSON!
NEIL, HOW ARE YOU?
>> DOING GOOD.
DOING GOOD.
DUDE.
>> Stephen: NOW, BECAUSE YOU'RE AN EDUCATOR, YOU ARE
ELIGIBLE TO GET THE COVID VACCINE HERE IN NEW YORK.
AND I UNDERSTAND THIS MORNING YOU GOT THE SECOND SHOT.
NOW, I'VE HEARD-- >> I GOT THE SECOND SHOT 11
HOURS AGO, YES.
>> Stephen: OKAY, AND I HEARD THAT THEY CAN-- IT CAN FEEL A
LITTLE ROUGH AFTER THE SECOND SHOT.
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
>> I'M A LITTLE LOOPY NOW.
( LAUGHS ).
>> Stephen: LOOPY?
LIKE...
>> JUST A LITTLE LOOPY.
BUT, NO, I FEEL FINE.
I WAS NEVER MUCH OF A SIDE EFFECTS GUY MY WHOLE LIFE, SO I
DON'T EXPECT TO-- TO PUT A CHECK IN ALL THE BOXES THAT THEY LIST.
BUT, OTHERWISE, YEAH, IF I'M OTHERWISE INCOHERENT, THAT COULD
BE WHY.
I GOT IT UP AT HARLEM HOSPITAL.
>> Stephen: HERE YOU ARE GETTING THE FIRST DOSE 28 DAYS
AGO.
AND I DIDN'T KNOW THAT ONE POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECT OF THE SHOT
WAS OF THE GUN SHOW.
( LAUGHTER ) SUN'S NOT EVEN OUT, BUT GUNS ARE
OUT.
NOW, I'M GLAD-- I'M GLAD-- >> WHAT?
>> THAT'S JUST WHAT'S LEFT OVER FROM 40 YEARS AND 40 POUNDS AGO
WHEN I USED TO BE IN SHAPE.
>> Stephen: YOU LOOK GOOD, MAN.
YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: I WOULDN'T-- I WOULDN'T FACE YOU IN THE
WRESTLING RING.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A MAN OF SCIENCE.
WHAT IS-- WHAT IS THE SIGNIFICANCE OF YOU GETTING THE
SHOT?
>> WELL, IT'S IMPORTANT.
FIRST OF ALL, CONSIDER WHO WE THINK OF NORMALLY AS HEROES IN
SOCIETY.
OFTEN IT'S SOMEONE WHO SAVES A LIFE OR SEVERAL LIVES.
AND PUTTING THEIR OWN LIFE AT RISK, SOMETIMES.
AND WHEN I THINK OF THE COVID VACCINE DEVELOPED BY LAB
RESEARCHERS, WHAT THAT TELLS ME IS THAT THERE'S A GROUP OF
SCIENTISTS WHOSE NAMES YOU WILL NEVER KNOW.
THERE WILL BE NO STATUES TO THEM.
YET, THEY WILL HAVE SAVED MILLIONS OF LIVES BY DEVELOPING
VACCINES IN RECORD TIME.
AND SO, SO I THINK THAT IS THE APPROPRIATE USE OF THE TERM
"SUPER HERO."
IF YOU-- ( LAUGHING )
SO SCIENTISTS MAY BE THE ONLY AUTHENTIC, LEGITIMATE SUPER
HEROES IN SOCIETY, AND I TIP MY HAT TO THEM, EVEN THOUGH WE
CANNOT RECITE THEIR NAMES BECAUSE WE DON'T KNOW THEM, AND
NOBODY IS BUILDING STATUE S.
>> Stephen: OKAY, LET'S GET TO SOME OTHER HARD SCIENCE HERE.
THERE ARE A WHOLE LOT OF MARS MISSIONS GOING ON RIGHT NOW.
WHO DO WE GOT UP THERE RIGHT NOW, BESIDES NASA ARE
PERSEVERANCE?
>> WHINA IS UP THERE.
AND THE UNITED ARAB EMIRATES, THE FIRST TIME AN ARAB STATE HAS
REACHED MARS.
AND SO, YEAH, IT'S ALL VERY EXCITING.
>> Stephen: ARE THEY-- ARE THEY IN ORBIT AROUND MARS OR HAS
ANYBODY GONE DOWN█ç BESIDES US?
>> SO CHINA HAS AN ORBITER, A LANDER, AND A ROVER.
THE UNITED ARAB EMIRATES HAS AN ORBITER THAT'S SPECIFICALLY
TUNED TO LOOK AT AND SAMPLE THE ATMOSPHERE.
BECAUSE SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED-- I DON'T WANT TO VALUE JUDGE IT.
SOMETHING HAPPENED ON MARS WHERE MARS USED TO HAVE LIQUID RUNNING
WATER ON ITS SURFACE, AND NOW IT'S BONE DRY.
SO THEY'RE GOING TO STUDY THE OUTER ATMOSPHERE OF MARS JUST TO
SEE IF THERE ARE CLUES THERE AS TO WHAT MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED TO
MARS IN THE PAST.
WE SENT A ROVER, PERSEVERANCE ROVER, WHICH MY FAVORITE PART OF
IT, IT'S GOT A HELICOPTER.
IT'S-- IT'S BAD-ASS.
IT'S GOT A HELICOPTER AND ENGINEERS THOUGHT THIS THROUGH
BECAUSE THE MARTIAN ATMOSPHERE IS MUCH THINNER THAN ON EARTH.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO LIFT A PAYLOAD YOU NEED WIDER ROTOR
BLADES, AND YOU HAVE TO SPIN THEM FASTER.
BUT GRAVITY ON MARS IS LESS, SO THAT HELPS YOU OUT.
IT'S MOSTLY AN ENGINEERING DEMONSTRATION, BECAUSE IF THAT
WORKS, YOU'RE NO LONGER LIMITED TO LOW SLOW-MOVING ROVERS.
YOU CAN DROP INSIDE A CRATER, BACK OUT.
SO I'M READY FOR THIS.
>> Stephen: HOW DOES IT GET BACK TO THE ROVER ITSELF?
IS THERE G.P.S. ON MARS?
LIKE, WHAT'S-- HOW DOES IT ORIENT ITSELF?
>> THERE ARE WAYS TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOU'RE NOT ON EARTH, AND
SOMETIMES YOU USE STARS OKAY TO TRIANGULATE YOUR POSITION, JUST
LIKE THE OLDEN DAYS HERE ON EARTH.
STONE NAVIGATION USED TO BE THE ONLY WAY TO FIND YOUR WAY TO
GRANDMA'S█ç HOUSE.
BUT ON MARS, THE COORDINATES OF WHERE YOU ARE, IT KNOWS HOW FAR
IT GOES IN ANY DIRECTION, UP OR DOWN.
THAT WHOLE COORDINATE SYSTEM IS ESTABLISHED ON LANDING.
SO THAT'S NOT-- THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM.
WE'VE GOT THAT.
WE GOT THAT.
>> Stephen: OKAY, GOOD, GOOD, YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL, MAN.
>> I HAVE TO SAY, WE HAVE THREE MISSIONS TO MARS AND IT'S NOT AN
ACCIDENT THEY ALL KIND OF LANDED TOGETHER BECAUSE THE ORIENTATION
OF EARTH AND MARS IN ORBIT IS FAVORABLE FOR A LOW-ENERGY TRIP
BETWEEN EARTH AND MARS ONCE EVERY 26 MONTHS.
SO EVERYBODY LAUNCHES AT AROUND THE SAME TIME.
AND, OF COURSE, THEY'LL GET THERE AT AROUND THE SAME TIME.
SO THAT'S WHY -- >> Stephen: WHAT WAS YOUR
REACTION-- I LOVE THE VIDEO, THE ACTUAL-- THE ROVER CAPSULE, AS
IT CAME IN, SHOT OF ITS-- OF ITS ENTRY INTO THE MARTIAN
ATMOSPHERE, AND ESPECIALLY WHEN THOSE PARACHUTES DEPLOYED.
I JUST ABOUT BURST INTO TEARS.
IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL.
>> OH, IT'S SO-- IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
AND IT'S ABOUT TIME NASA PUT MORE CAMERAS UP THERE, RATHER
THAN JUST THE SCIENTIFIC ONES THAT ARE AT BASE CAMP.
LET US EXPERIENCE, YOU KNOW, THOSE MOMENTS OF TERROR IN THE
ARROW BREAKING COMING INTO MARS.
LET US PARTICIPATE IN THAT.
WE HAVE THE POWER TO DO THAT.
THE WEIGHT OF THOSE CAMS ARE SMALL COMPARED TO THE
S.U.V.-WEIGHT OF THE THING GETTING PLUNKED DOWN ON MARS.
YEAH.
PLUS, WE CAN HAVE SOUNDS FROM MARS.
>> Stephen: I KNOW.
>> IT'S JUST EXTENDING OUR SENSES SO THE ROBOT BECOMES MORE
OF AN EMISSARY OF HUMANS RATHER THAN SOME DISTANT, SEPARATED,
SCIENTIFIC INSTRUMENT.
AND IT BECOMES WAY COOLER.
WAY MORE IMPORTANT FOR NASA TO-- TO-- TO GET RECOGNIZED AS A-- AS
SOMETHING THAT WE ALL PARTICIPATE IN AS A COLLECTIVE
EXPLORERS ON THE SURFACE OF ANOTHER PLANET.
>> Stephen: EVERYBODY'S GOING UP THERE.
WHY ARE PEOPLE GOING TO MARS NOW?
AND I DON'T MEAN JUST LIKE BECAUSE IT'S CLOSEST TO EARTH
AND ITS ORBIT AROUND THE SUN.
I MEAN, WHY ARE THESE COUNTRIES ALL EAGER TO GO UP THERE?
IS IT BECAUSE WE KNOW THERE'S GOING TO BE SIGNS OF LIFE UP
THERE?
BECAUSE HERE'S MY THEORY.
OKAY, FIRST, PEOPLE INTO ORBIT.
THAT'S A BIG PRIZE.
FIRST MAN ON THE MOON, THAT'S A BIG PRIZE.
WHAT'S THE NEXT BIG PRIZE?
IS IT PUTTING A MAN ON MARS?
OKAY.
BUT WE PUT A MAN OR AN ASTRONAUT ON ANOTHER CELESTIAL BODY.
IT'S FINDING EVIDENCE OF LIFE.
ISN'T THAT THE NEXT BIG BRASS RING HERE?
DOESN'T EVERY COUNTRY WANT TO BE THE ONES TO SAY THEY FOUND IT?
>> I'M NOT AUTHORIZED TO ANSWER THAT.
NEXT QUESTION.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE I'M RIGHT!
I'M RIGHT!
HERE'S MY THEORY-- HERE'S MY THEORY.
MY THEORY IS THAT Y'ALL KNOW IT'S UP THERE.
Y'ALL KNOW THERE'S EVIDENCE.
YOU DON'T HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE TO PRESENT TO THE
PUBLIC OR YOU DON'T WANT TO FREAK US OUT.
BUT THE CHINESE KNOW, THE E.A.E.
PEEK KNOW.
THE INDIANS KNOW.
WE KNOW.
WE'RE RACING UP THERE TO BE THE PEOPLE TO BRING BACK THE ROCK.
LOOK, YOU FOUND IT, BUT YOU WON'T TELL UZ RUBES.
>> OR THE REST OF THE WORLD IS FIG OTHER OUT HOW AND WAY TO --
>> Stephen: LIFE!
THERE'S LIFE UP THERE!
>> OR, THE REST OF THE WORLD IS GETTING TECHNOLOGICAL.
WE ARE NO LONGER THE SOLE OWNERS OF SPACE.
I'M JUST SAYING.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> GET OVER IT.
>> Stephen: I WON'T.
I WON'T.
YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT.
I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY IN THE FUTURE WHEN I COME BACK ON AND
SAY, "I KNEW THERE WAS LIFE BUT I COULDN'T SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE
I WAS SWORN TO SECRECY."
>> I DON'T DO FUTURE APOLOGIES.
>> Stephen: YOU WILL, IN THE FUTURE.
OKAY, IT USED TO BE GOVERNMENTS DID THE EXPLORATION.
NOW, A LOT OF PRIVATE INDUSTRY-- FOR INSTANCE, IT WAS JUST
ANNOUNCED TODAY IN 2025 THEY'RE GOING TO START BUILDING A SPACE
HOTEL.
ARE YOU READY TO BOOK A ROOM?
>> SURE, BUT I HAVE TO TELL YOU, IT WOULD HAVE TO HAVE
RESTAURANTS AND STUFF AND OTHER SORT OF TRAPPINGS --
>> Stephen: IT'S GOING TO HAVE BASKETBALLS THAT YOU CAN DUNK.
IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT.
>> THE PROBLEM IS THE RESTAURANTS MIGHT NOT HAVE MUCH
OF AN ATMOSPHERE, I THINK.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE GOING TO SPIN IT, BABY.
OH, I SEE.
I SEE.
YOU GOT ME!
( LAUGHING ) >> I-- I THOUGHT YOU WERE
QUICKER THAN THAT, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT, NOT TONIGHT, MAN.
NOT TONIGHT.
>> WAIT, JUST TO BE CLEAR.
A HOTEL IS NOT THE SAME THING AS SPACE EXPLORATION.
THE EXPLORATION WILL LIKELY STILL OCCUR BY GOVERNMENT S.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> BUT WHEN YOU START TURNING IT INTO TOUR.
AND I HOTELS AND THEME PARKS, YEAH, I'M ALL FOR IT.
>> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT-- WHAT ABOUT-- WHAT ABOUT GUYS LIKE
BASISOSE OR BRANSON OR MUSK.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF PRIVATE INDUSTRY BEING THE FRONTIER OF
ROCKET DEVELOPMENT RIGHT NOW?
>> THAT'S FINE, BUT MY READ OF HISTORY TELLS ME HE'S NOT
SENDING THE ROCKET ANYWHERE FIRST, BECAUSE THAT'S EXPENSIVE,
AND IT'S A VERY SHORT VENTURE CAPITALIST MEETING.
"ELON WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
SEND HUMANS TO MARS.
HOW MUCH DOES IT COST?
TRILLIONS.
I DON'T KNOW.
WILL PEOPLE DIE?
PROBABLY.
THAT'S A FIVE-MINUTE MEETING IF YOU WANT TO MAKE A BUSINESS CASE
FOR IT.
THERE'S NO R.O.I. TO DO IT FIRST.
GOVERNMENTS DO IT FIRST BECAUSE THEY HAVE GEOPOLITICAL REASONS
FOR WANTING TO DO THESE KINDS OF THINGS.
>> Stephen: THEY WANT TO GET THERE FIRST TO FIND OUT THERE'S
ALREADY LIFE THERE.
RIGHT.
>> YOU'LL GET OVER IT.
>> Stephen: I WON'T.
I WON'T.
I CAN'T WAIT-- OH, I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL YOU COME BACK HERE AND
ADMIT THAT I WAS RIGHT!
>> SO WHAT WILL HAPPEN IS-- SO HERE'S WHAT COULD HAPPEN.
WE DECIDE AS A COUNTRY WE WANT TO SEND ASTRONAUTS TO MARS.
BUT WE DON'T HAVE A SPACESHIP.
SO ELON SAYS, "I'VE GOT A SPACE SHIP."
AND THEN HE SELLS THE SPACE SHIP TO NASA.
THAT COULD HAPPEN.
THAT'S A BUSINESS CASE.
THAT'S FINE.
THAT COULD HAPPEN.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'LL TALK ABOUT NEIL'S NEW BOOK
"COSMIC QUERIES," AND HOW THE UNIVERSE ENDS.
IT WILL BE FUN.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WE'RE BACK WITH THE AUTHOR OF "COSMIC QUERIES," NEIL deGRASSE
TYSON.
YOU GOT A NEW BOOK HERE.
IT'S OUT TODAY.
IT'S CALLED "COSMIC QUERIES," OKAY, ADDRESSING QUESTIONS LIKE,
"WHAT IS LIFE?
HOW DID IT ALL BEGIN?
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BIG QUESTION TO PONDER, NEIL TYSON?
>> YEAH, SO, I HAVE MANY BIG QUESTIONS TO PONDER.
WHAT I LIKE ABOUT BIG QUESTIONS IS THAT THEY DON'T-- YOU CAN'T
SEAL THEM UP IN A TIDY ANSWER.
THEY'RE THESE DANGLING EDGES THAT FORCE YOU TO KEEP THINKING
AND ADDING PIECES AND PARTS TO IT.
SO, FOR EXAMPLE, HOW WILL IT ALL END?
ALL RIGHT.
SO THERE'S HOW EARTH ENDS, BUT THAT'S BORING.
WE ALREADY KNOW THAT.
BUT HOW WILL THE UNIVERSE -- >> Stephen: WAIT, HOW WILL
EARTH END?
>> WE GOT THIS ONE.
I WANT TO GET TO-- OKAY.
>> Stephen: ONE SENTENCE.
COME ON, WHATEVER.
THE SUN EXPANDS?
>> YEAH, THE SUN EXPANDS.
>> Stephen: FINE, MOVE ON.
WAS THAT SO HARD?
>> IT'S DEADLY.
SO THE SUN EXPANDS, EARTH GETS HOT, OCEANS ENTER A ROLLING
BOIL, EVAPORATE INTO THE ATMOSPHERE.
THE ATMOSPHERE EVAPORATES INTO SPACE.
AND EARTH BECOMES THIS CHARRED EMBER AS WE DESCEND INTO THE
CALDERON THAT IS THE SURFACE OF THE SUN.
AND IT IS THERE THAT WE VAPORIZE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S ALL, FOLKS.
OKAY, NOW WHAT'S THE BIG ENDING YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?
>> THE BIG ENDING-- NO, THE UNIVERSE IS ACCELERATING IN ITS
EXPANSION, WHICH SOUNDS PEACEFUL ENOUGH, OKAY.
I DON'T-- I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT.
UNTIL YOU REALIZE THAT THAT ACCELERATION WILL NOT ONLY
OCCUPANT STRIP ALL GRAVITATIONAL FORCES CURRENTLY HOLDING THINGS
TOGETHER.
IF THAT ACCELERATION CONTINUES -- AND THERE'S NO REAL REASON TO
DOUBT IT AT THIS POINT-- IT WILL EVENTUALLY OVERCOME MOLECULAR
BONDS THAT ARE HOLDING YOUR FLESH TOGETHER.
>> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND-- >> I'M NOT DONE.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU SAYING I'M EXPANDING, TOO?
>> NOT YET, BECAUSE THE MOLECULAR FORCES REMAIN STRONGER
THAN THE ACCELERATING FORCES IN THE UNIVERSE.
BUT THE ACCELERATING FORCES WILL CONTINUE TO GAIN STRENGTH AS WE
EXPAND.
BECAUSE IT'S A PROPERTY OF THE VACUUM.
AND THE BIGGER THE UNIVERSE, IS THE MORE VACUUM WE HAVE.
ASK THIS WILL CONTINUE, RIP YOUR MOLECULES APART, AND THEN IT
WILL RIP YOUR ATOMS APART.
AND THEN THERE'S A POINT WHERE IT RIPS-- I SHOULDN'T SAY RIP.
IT SEPARATES THEM.
THEN THE VERY FABRIC OF SPACE AND TIME ITSELF WILL FALL VICTIM
TO THIS EXPANSION.
AND WE CALL THAT "THE BIG RIP."
AND I AM TERRIFIED WHAT THAT WOULD LOOK LIKE AND WHAT WOULD
FEEL LIKE.
AND I LAY WEAK AT NIGHT LOOKING UP AT THE CEILING WONDERING.
>> Stephen: WOULDN'T THERE BE SOME TREMENDOUS RELEASE OF
ENERGY ON EACH OF THESE BONDS BEING TORN?
>> SO, WHAT HAPPENS IS YOU GET THE-- SO, THERE ARE OTHER
SCENARIOS IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE YOU HAVE TREMENDOUS RELEASES OF
ENERGY, AND YOU MAKE BASICALLY OTHER BIG BANGZ.
THIS IS HOW YOU GET THE MULTIVERSE.
BY THE WAY, THERE ARE LAYERS OF MULTIVERSES THAT ARE CURRENTLY
-- >> Stephen: DID I JUST-- DID I
JUST REASON MY WAY TONDING THE MULTIVERSE, NEIL?
>> A LITTLE BIT.
YOU WERE-- I WILL GIVE YOU A B-PLUS ON WHERE YOU WERE HEADED.
>> Stephen: I BOAT A BITTY VERSE, A LITTLE BITTY VERSE.
>> A B-PLUS AVERSE.
>> Stephen: WHY ARE THESE EXPANSIONS ACCELERATING?
>> WELL, WE DON'T KNOW, BUT IT IS.
WE MEASURE IT.
AND WE CALL THE THING THAT'S MAKING THAT HAPPEN "DARK
ENERGY."
WE COULD CALL IT FRED.
IT IS DARK, AND WE DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S MADE OF OF.
IT'S CALLED DARK ENERGY, BUT WE DON'T REALLY KNOW-- BUT WE CAN
MEASURE IT AND WE KNOW IT'S REAL.
AND IT IS HAPPENING, AND IT IS CURRENTLY OUTSTRIPPING GRAVITY
IN THE LARGEST OF SCALES.
SO, YEAH-- SO, SO-- IF WE DON'T HAVE THE BIG RIP AND WE JUST
EXPAND INTO WHAT WE CALL THE HEAT DEATH, WHERE WE APPROACH
ABSOLUTELY ZERO AND NOTHING HAPPENS, THEN THE-- HOW WILL THE
WORLD END?
NOT WITH A BANG BUT WITH A WHIMPER.
NOT IN FIRE, BUT IN ICE.
>> Stephen: WELL, NEIL, ON THAT POETIC NOTE, THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR BEING HERE "COSMIC QUERIES: STARTALK'S
GUIDE TO WHO WE ARE, HOW WE GOT HERE, AND WHERE WE'RE GOING" IS
AVAILABLE NOW.
PONDER THE BIGGIES WITH NEIL deGRASSE TYSON.
>> IF I CAN LEAVE YOU WITH ONE THOUGHT.
LEARN TO LOVE THE QUESTIONS THEMSELVES.
BECAUSE THEREIN ARE THE SEEDS OF ALL CURIOSITY AND WONDER.
>> Stephen: WHY SHOULD I?
( LAUGHS ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A
SPECIAL PERFORMANCE BY JON BATISTE.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪♪
♪ ♪ ♪ OF THE ORDNANCES THAT THEY HAVE
AS THEIR PRIVATE PROPERTY.
SO, PLEASE, EVERYONE, WHEN YOU'RE IN THE BALLROOM, WHEN
YOU'RE SEATED, YOU SHOULD STILL BE WEARING A MASK.
>> OH, SO JUST BECAUSE I'M IN A PRIVATE HOTEL I CAN'T WALK
AROUND WITHOUT A MASK.
OR SHOW OFF MY NAIL GUN OR WEAR MY FLAME-THROWING NIPPLES OR
ANGRY HORNET NEST PANTS.
EVERYONE SING THE AMERICA SONG ♪ BASEBALL PARK IN THE FOOTBALL
TREE IT'S THE MOST FREEDOMMEST PLACE
IN THE WORLD ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: AND NOW, PERFORMING "I NEED YOU" FROM HIS
FORTHCOMING ALBUM, "WE ARE," LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JON
BATISTE.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ WE DONE A LOT OF LIVING WE WORKING OVERTIME
♪ DON'T NEED ANOTHER MILLION YOU GOT THAT GOLD MINE
♪ I LOVE THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN' 'CAUSE YOU SO GENUINE
♪ YOU GOT THAT SOMETHING SPECIAL DIDN'T YOU KNOW?
♪ I JUST NEED YOU, YOU, YOU MET YOU WHEN I WAS
♪ A LIL' COUNTRY HEAD BOY AND I NEVER PUT DOWN MY
♪ ALTO SAXOPHONE, YEAH BUCKJUMPIN' DOWN ON
♪ THE BOULEVARD I COULDN'T WAIT TO
♪ BLOW MY OWN HORN, WOO IT AIN'T WRONG FOR YOU
♪ TO PLAY ALONG PLAYING THIS SONG
♪ 'TIL YOU DIE, COME ON IN THIS WORLD WITH
♪ A LOT OF PROBLEMS ALL WE NEED IS
♪ A LITTLE LOVING THANK YOU, THANK YOU
♪ OH, YOU MAKE ME THANK YOU, THANK YOU
♪ FOR YOUR LOVE WE DONE A LOT OF LIVING
♪ WE WORKING OVERTIME DON'T NEED ANOTHER MILLION
♪ YOU GOT THAT GOLD MINE I LOVE THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
♪ HEY, 'CAUSE YOU'RE SO GENUINE, GENUINE
♪ YOU GOT THAT SOMETHING SPECIAL DIDN'T YOU KNOW?
♪ I JUST NEED YOU, YOU, YOU ♪ MET YOU WHEN I WAS
A LIL' COUNTRY BOY ♪ AND I NEVER PUT DOWN
THAT PORK CHOP AND SALT ♪ THEN WE FELL IN LOVE
ON THE BOULEVARD ♪ IF YOU WAS JENNY
I GUESS I WAS FORREST, RUN ♪ NAH, IT AIN'T WRONG
FOR YOU TO SING ALONG ♪ SINGING THIS SONG
'TIL YOU DIE ♪ IN THIS WORLD WITH
A LOT OF PROBLEMS ♪ ALL WE NEED IS
A LITTLE LOVING ♪ THANK YOU, THANK YOU
OH, YOU MAKE ME COME ON Y'ALL
COME ON.
I WANT TO HEAR YOU ALL ♪ THANK YOU, THANK YOU
FOR YOUR LOVE ♪ WE DONE A LOT OF LIVING
WHOLE LOTTA ♪ WE WORKING OVERTIME
♪ DON'T NEED ANOTHER MILLION YOU GOT THAT GOLD MINE
I LOVE THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN' ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE SO GENUINE
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
YEAH, YEAH I NEED YOU, YEAH,
YEAH.
♪ I NEED YOU ♪ I JUST NEED YOU, YOU, YOU
♪ WE DONE A LOT OF LIVING ♪ WE WORKING OVERTIME
♪ DON'T NEED ANOTHER MILLION YOU GOT THAT GOLD MINE
YOU, YOU, YOU YOU, YOU, YOU
YOU ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,
EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
( APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "A LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE STAR OF "WANDAVISION,"
PAUL BETTANY, AND MUSICAL GUEST, METALLICA.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.
>> HA!
♪ UP, UP AND AWAY ♪ THAT VEST WOULD HAVE LOOKED GOOD
IN THE FIFTH DIMENSION, TOO.
NOW I KNOW WHERE YOU GET YOUR STYLE FROM.
( LAUGHTER ) Captioning sponsored by CBS
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org ♪ ♪ ♪