1
00:00:00,709 --> 00:00:01,710
>> ONE DAY AFTER THE C.D.C.
2
00:00:01,793 --> 00:00:05,088
DIRECTOR WARNED US ABOUT A
POTENTIAL FOURTH SURGE IN
3
00:00:05,171 --> 00:00:08,591
CORONAVIRUS CASES, TEXAS IS
ROLLING BACK ALL RESTRICTIONS,
4
00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:10,552
THE GOVERNOR ANNOUNCING HE IS
ENDING A STATEWIDE MASK MANDATE
5
00:00:10,635 --> 00:00:17,767
AND FULLY REOPENING BUSINESSES
AS OF NEXT WEEK.
6
00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:27,986
♪ ♪ ♪
>> WAIT A MINUTE.
7
00:00:28,069 --> 00:00:32,073
GARY ISN'T WEARING A MASK.
8
00:00:32,157 --> 00:00:35,410
>> YEAH, WHERE IS YOUR MASK?
9
00:00:35,493 --> 00:00:39,789
>> GOVERNOR SAYS I DON'T HAVE TO
WEAR A MASK.
10
00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:41,332
>> NO, THE GOVERNOR SAID YOU CAN
TAKE IT OFF, BUT YOU SHOULDN'T
11
00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:42,333
TAKE IT OFF.
12
00:00:42,417 --> 00:00:44,961
>> WELL, THAT'S A COMPLETELY
CONFLICTING MESSAGE.
13
00:00:45,044 --> 00:00:47,422
>> I KNOW.
14
00:00:47,505 --> 00:00:48,798
THAT GUY'S AN IDIOT.
15
00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:51,634
>> OKAY, I THINK WE CAN ALL
AGREE THE GOVERNOR'S A BOOB.
16
00:00:51,718 --> 00:00:54,262
BUT WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO
ABOUT THIS STANDOFF?
17
00:00:54,345 --> 00:00:57,474
>> TELL YOU WHAT, WHY DON'T WE
WAIT UNTIL WE'RE ALL VACCINATED
18
00:00:57,557 --> 00:01:00,477
AND KILL EACH OTHER THEN, WHEN
IT'S SAFE.
19
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:01,144
>> SOUNDS GOOD.
20
00:01:01,227 --> 00:01:03,146
>> I CAN'T WAIT TO GET MY SHOT!
21
00:01:03,229 --> 00:01:05,231
( GUNSHOT )
>> I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO
22
00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:06,107
WAIT.
23
00:01:06,191 --> 00:01:08,109
>> OH, I SEE.
24
00:01:08,193 --> 00:01:11,112
MY BAD.
25
00:01:12,530 --> 00:01:16,117
>> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW
WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
26
00:01:16,201 --> 00:01:18,286
TONIGHT:
PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES
27
00:01:21,289 --> 00:01:25,794
PAUL BETTANY
AND MUSICAL GUEST, METALLICA
28
00:01:25,877 --> 00:01:31,966
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
HUMAN.
29
00:01:32,050 --> 00:01:34,469
AND NOW, LIVE oN TAPE FROM
THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE
30
00:01:34,552 --> 00:01:38,306
BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S
STEPHEN COLBERT!
31
00:01:38,389 --> 00:01:41,518
>> Stephen: WELCOME!
32
00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:45,647
W, ONE AND ALL TO "A LATE SHOW,"
ESPECIALLY "ALL."
33
00:01:45,730 --> 00:01:48,066
ONE WOULD BE TOO FEW.
34
00:01:48,149 --> 00:01:55,865
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
35
00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:59,702
FOLKS, WE HAVE ALL BEEN UP TO
OUR EARLOBES IN COVID
36
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:00,954
PRECAUTIONS FOR A YEAR.
37
00:02:01,037 --> 00:02:02,705
BUT NOW, THERE'S A NEW CONTAGION
SWEEPING THE COUNTRY: AMERICA'S
38
00:02:02,789 --> 00:02:04,040
GOT A BAD CASE OF THE HOPES!
39
00:02:04,123 --> 00:02:05,375
THANKS TO NEW VACCINE
AVAILABILITY, WE'RE STARTING TO
40
00:02:05,458 --> 00:02:08,169
SEE THE SYRINGE AT THE END OF
THE TUNNEL.
41
00:02:08,253 --> 00:02:12,173
THOUGH JOHNSON & JOHNSON HAS A
NEW VACCINE, THEY DIDN'T HAVE
42
00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:16,177
THE CAPACITY TO PRODUCE THE
VOLUME OF DOSES THAT AMERICA
43
00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:19,347
NEEDED.
44
00:02:19,430 --> 00:02:20,598
SO, THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION
CONVINCED RIVAL COMPANY MERCK TO
45
00:02:20,682 --> 00:02:23,893
HELP PRODUCE JOHNSON & JOHNSON'S
SINGLE-SHOT CORONAVIRUS VACCINE.
46
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:27,105
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?
47
00:02:27,188 --> 00:02:32,068
THIS COULD BE THE BEGINNING OF A
BOLD NEW ERA OF PHARMACEUTICAL
48
00:02:32,151 --> 00:02:33,236
CROSSOVERS, LIKE DAYQUIL-VIAGRA.
49
00:02:33,319 --> 00:02:36,406
YOU KNOW THEIR SLOGAN: YOUR
COLD JUST GOT HOT: GET UP AND
50
00:02:36,489 --> 00:02:43,288
GO!
51
00:02:43,371 --> 00:02:45,248
THIS NEW CAPACITY MEANS, WELL,
TELL THEM WHAT IT MEANS, JOE.
52
00:02:45,331 --> 00:02:48,418
>> WE'RE NOW ON TRACK TO HAVE
ENOUGH VACCINE SUPPLY FOR EVERY
53
00:02:48,501 --> 00:02:52,463
ADULT IN AMERICA BY THE END OF
MAY.
54
00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:55,258
>> Stephen: THAT IS SO MUCH
SOONER THAN ANYBODY THOUGHT!
55
00:02:55,341 --> 00:02:58,595
WHEN'S THE LATEST I COULD
RECEIVE MY DOSE?
56
00:02:58,678 --> 00:03:03,516
♪ IT'S GONNA BE MAY ♪
>>0SlGENERAL TIMBERLAKE.
57
00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:04,642
#FREE BRITNEY.
58
00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:08,563
PRESIDENT BIDEN IS ALSO MAKING A
PUSH TO GET ALL TEACHERS
59
00:03:08,646 --> 00:03:09,772
INOCULATED BY THE END OF MARCH.
60
00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:12,525
SO IF I'M AN EDUCATOR, WHEN'S
THE LATEST I COULD RECEIVE MY
61
00:03:12,609 --> 00:03:13,610
DOSE?
62
00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:14,277
♪ IT'S GONNA BE
♪...
63
00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:18,823
>> MARCH.
64
00:03:18,907 --> 00:03:22,285
>> Stephen: IN OTHER GOOD NEWS:
DOLLY PARTON.
65
00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:27,624
YOU MAY REMEMBER THAT SHE IS
JUST FANTASTIC.
66
00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:28,791
YOU ALSO MAY REMEMBER SHE GAVE A
MILLION DOLLARS OF HER OWN MONEY
67
00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:32,587
TO VANDERBILT UNIVERSITY TO HELP
DEVELOP THE MODERNA VACCINE.
68
00:03:32,670 --> 00:03:41,304
SO IT WAS THRILLING YESTERDAY TO
SEE HER ACCOUNT TWEET
69
00:03:41,387 --> 00:03:42,889
OUT THIS PHOTO OF HER GETTING
THE SHOT WITH THE CAPTION "DOLLY
70
00:03:42,972 --> 00:03:44,015
GETS A DOSE OF HER OWN
MEDICINE."
71
00:03:44,098 --> 00:03:44,599
A LIFE-SAVING MIRACLE.
72
00:03:44,682 --> 00:03:45,725
AND SHE GOT THE VACCINE!
73
00:03:45,808 --> 00:03:51,898
NOW, FOR EASE OF ON-CAMERA
JABBIN', DOLLY WENT THE EXTRA
74
00:03:51,981 --> 00:03:56,402
MILE AND WORE A STYLISH,
EASY-NEEDLE-ACCESS, COLD
75
00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:57,153
SHOULDER TOP.
76
00:03:57,236 --> 00:04:00,198
OKAY, VERY COOL, VERY NICE,
DOLLY.
77
00:04:00,281 --> 00:04:02,992
BUT I DON'T RECOMMEND TRYING
SOMETHING SIMILAR FOR YOUR
78
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,160
COLONOSCOPY.
79
00:04:04,243 --> 00:04:07,664
AND LIKE I EXPECT TO DO WHEN I
GET THE VACCINE, DOLLY BURST
80
00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:08,831
INTO SONG.
81
00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:11,376
>> I WANTED TO TELL EVERYBODY
THAT YOU SHOULD GET OUT THERE
82
00:04:11,459 --> 00:04:12,418
AND DO IT, TOO.
83
00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:12,919
I EVEN CHANGED ONE OF MY SONGS
TO FIT THE OCCASION.
84
00:04:13,002 --> 00:04:14,003
IT GOES...
85
00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:16,673
( TO THE TUNE OF "JOLENE" )
♪ VACCINE, VACCINE
86
00:04:16,756 --> 00:04:19,217
VACCINE, VACCINE
♪ I'M BEGGING OF YOU
87
00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:24,639
PLEASE DON'T HESITATE
♪ VACCINE, VACCINE
88
00:04:24,722 --> 00:04:28,643
VACCINE, VACCINE
♪ 'CAUSE ONCE YOU'RE DEAD, THEN
89
00:04:28,726 --> 00:04:33,356
THAT'S A BIT TOO LATE ♪
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S A
90
00:04:33,439 --> 00:04:36,484
VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE.
91
00:04:36,567 --> 00:04:37,860
AND ALSO DOLLY'S DARKEST TUNE
SINCE:
92
00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:40,321
♪ ISLANDS IN THE STREAM
ERODING OVER TIME
93
00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:43,574
♪ NOTHING EVER LASTS
WE'RE JUST FOOD FOR
94
00:04:43,658 --> 00:04:45,243
♪ WORMS ♪
NOTE WE'RE JUST BAGS OF MEAT ♪
95
00:04:45,326 --> 00:04:48,871
IT KEEPS GOING FROM THERE.
96
00:04:48,955 --> 00:04:52,583
EVEN MORE HOPEFUL-- IT SOUNDS
BETTER WHEN KENNY ROGERS IS
97
00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:54,877
SINGING WITH YOU!
98
00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:56,587
EVEN MORE HOPEFUL, IT'S GETTING
EASIER TO QUALIFY FOR A VACCINE.
99
00:04:56,671 --> 00:05:00,591
NORTH CAROLINA JUST ANNOUNCED
THAT ON MARCH 24, THE STATE WILL
100
00:05:00,675 --> 00:05:03,386
OPEN ELIGIBILITY TO PEOPLE
LIVING IN GROUP SETTINGS,
101
00:05:03,469 --> 00:05:06,889
ADDITIONAL FRO
1%9E WORKERS,AND PEOPLE WHO HAVE
102
00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:07,807
100 CIGARETTES.
103
00:05:07,890 --> 00:05:10,226
OF COURSE, NORTH CAROLINA'S A
TOBACCO STATE.
104
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:12,395
IN WISCONSIN, YOU HAVE TO CHUG
100 GALLONS OF MILK.
105
00:05:12,478 --> 00:05:18,526
AND IN DETROIT, YOU HAVE TO EAT
100 CARS.
106
00:05:18,609 --> 00:05:22,780
HEY, REMEMBER HOW THERE WAS AN
INSURRECTION BACK IN JANUARY?
107
00:05:22,864 --> 00:05:24,365
CAPITOL POLICE ARE WARNING IT
COULD COME BACK, BECAUSE OF A
108
00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:28,703
QANON THEORY CLAIMING THE
EX-PRESIDENT WILL RETURN TO
109
00:05:28,786 --> 00:05:31,205
POWER TOMORROW, MARCH 4.
110
00:05:31,289 --> 00:05:33,249
NOW, I'M NO PSYCHOLOGIST, BUT
YOU COULD SAY THEY'RE SUFFERING
111
00:05:33,332 --> 00:05:36,711
FROM "MARCH MADNESS."
112
00:05:36,794 --> 00:05:38,421
ALSO, THEY'RE CLINICALLY INSANE.
113
00:05:38,504 --> 00:05:42,759
BUT THERE'S METHOD TO THIS
COO-COO.
114
00:05:42,842 --> 00:05:44,719
YOU SEE, Q FOLLOWERS WERE
HEARTBROKEN ON INAUGURATION DAY,
115
00:05:44,802 --> 00:05:49,974
WHICH WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE
"STORM" CAME THAT KEEPS THEIR
116
00:05:50,058 --> 00:05:52,727
GUY FROM ACTUALLY LEAVING
OFFICE.
117
00:05:52,810 --> 00:05:55,396
SO THEY MOVED THE DATE OF THE
STORM, WHEN THE ARRESTS ALL OF
118
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:58,274
THE CELEBRITIES AND DEMOCRATS,
TO MARCH 4, WHICH WAS THE DATE
119
00:05:58,357 --> 00:06:00,651
O PRESIDENTIAL INAUGURATIONS UP
UNTIL 1933.
120
00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:05,114
( AS QANON PERSON )
YET YES, FOLLOW ME DOWN THE
121
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:05,656
RABBIT HOLE.
122
00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:08,785
THEY ENDED IT IN 1933.
123
00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:09,327
BUT ADD UP 1-9-3-3, YOU GET 16.
124
00:06:09,410 --> 00:06:09,952
ADD 1 PLUS 6, YOU GET 7.
125
00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:16,793
WHAT IS 7?
126
00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:20,797
3 PLUS 4, 3-4, MARCH 4th, WHEN
WE SHALL MARCH FORTH!
127
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:24,801
( WHISPERS )
I SEE PATTERNS WHERE NONE
128
00:06:24,884 --> 00:06:27,261
EXIST."
129
00:06:27,345 --> 00:06:30,890
BUT THE ENHANCED SECURITY MAY
NOT BE NECESSARY, BECAUSE SOME
130
00:06:30,973 --> 00:06:32,975
QANON ADHERENTS ARE NOW
"SKEPTICAL AS TO THE ORIGINS OR
131
00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:36,145
VALIDITY OF THE THEORY."
132
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:38,314
YOU KNOW WHAT?
133
00:06:38,397 --> 00:06:40,024
NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, THIS
MARCH 4 THING JUST DOESN'T HAVE
134
00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:43,361
THE SAME RING OF TRUTH AS "TOM
HANKS EATS BABIES."
135
00:06:43,444 --> 00:06:45,071
STILL, WHERE THERE'S A WILL,
THERE'S A WAY TO CASH IN,
136
00:06:45,154 --> 00:06:50,451
BECAUSE THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S
HOTEL IN WASHINGTON, D.C. HAS
137
00:06:50,535 --> 00:06:52,787
BEEN JACKING UP PRICES AROUND
MARCH 4.
138
00:06:52,870 --> 00:06:56,791
SOUNDS CYNICAL, BUT THEY ARE
OFFERING PREMIUM SERVICES: IF
139
00:06:56,874 --> 00:06:58,459
YOU'RE EXHAUSTED FROM TRAVEL,
YOU CAN JUST CALL THE FRONT DESK
140
00:06:58,543 --> 00:07:04,841
AND ASK THE CONCIERGE TO HANG
MIKE PENCE.
141
00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:07,468
ULTIMATELY, Q SUPPORTERS ARE
JUST GOING TO HAVE TO FACE FACTS
142
00:07:07,552 --> 00:07:08,803
THAT THEIR GUY LOST IN THE
HIGHEST VOTER TURNOUT IN U.S.
143
00:07:08,886 --> 00:07:10,555
HISTORY.
144
00:07:10,638 --> 00:07:12,849
REPUBLICANS HAVE ACCEPTED IT.
145
00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:16,686
THEY LOOKED AT VOTER TURNOUT AND
REALIZED IT IS TIME TO STOP
146
00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:17,812
VOTER TURNOUT.
147
00:07:17,895 --> 00:07:19,564
THEY'VE ALREADY STARTED WITH A
TIDAL WAVE OF ANTI-VOTING
148
00:07:19,647 --> 00:07:20,648
LEGISLATION.
149
00:07:20,731 --> 00:07:24,861
SO FAR, G.O.P. LAWMAKERS HAVE
WRITTEN 253 BILLS WITH
150
00:07:24,944 --> 00:07:30,366
PROVISIONS THAT RESTRICT VOTING
ACCESS IN 43 STATES, LIKE
151
00:07:30,449 --> 00:07:34,662
GEORGIA, WHERE, FOLLOWING THE
G.O.P. LOSING THE PRESIDENTIAL
152
00:07:34,745 --> 00:07:38,666
ELECT AND TWO SENATE SEATS IN A
RUN HUFFAV, STATE REPUBLICANS
153
00:07:38,749 --> 00:07:45,214
PASSED A BILL THAT WOULD LIMIT
ABSENTEE AND EARLY VOTING.
154
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:46,632
YOU SEE, DEMOCRATS LIKE EARLY
VOTING.
155
00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:47,925
BUT GEORGIA REPUBLICANS WANT YOU
TO PICK YOUR CANDIDATES AT THE
156
00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:49,051
VERY LAST MINUTE.
157
00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:50,678
THAT'S WHY THEY KEPT DAVID
PERDUE RIGHT BY THE REGISTER.
158
00:07:50,761 --> 00:07:54,182
CITICS SAY THIS BILL
DISPROPORTIONATELY AFFECTS
159
00:07:54,265 --> 00:07:57,018
VOTERS OF COLOR, BUT THE BILL'S
SPONSOR CLAIMS IT "IS DESIGNED
160
00:07:57,101 --> 00:08:01,564
TO BEGIN TO BRING BACK THE
CONFIDENCE OF OUR VOTERS BACK
161
00:08:01,647 --> 00:08:02,607
INTO OUR ELECTORAL SYSTEM."
162
00:08:02,690 --> 00:08:06,194
OKAY, BUT THE REPUBLICAN
GOVERNOR, THE REPUBLICAN
163
00:08:06,277 --> 00:08:09,405
SECRETARY OF STATE, AND THE
REPUBLICAN VOTING SYSTEMS
164
00:08:09,488 --> 00:08:11,616
MANAGER ALL SAID IT WAS A FAIR
ELECTION.
165
00:08:11,699 --> 00:08:13,576
SO THERE'S PLENTY OF CONFIDENCE
IN THE ELECTION.
166
00:08:13,659 --> 00:08:16,746
YOU'RE JUST CONFIDENT YOU'RE
GOING TO LOSE IT, SO YOU'RE
167
00:08:16,829 --> 00:08:17,288
TILTING THE PLAYING FIELD.
168
00:08:17,371 --> 00:08:19,624
THAT'S LIKE THE N.F.L.
169
00:08:19,707 --> 00:08:21,709
RESTRICTING TOM BRADY TO RESTORE
CONFIDENCE IN THE KANSAS CITY
170
00:08:21,792 --> 00:08:24,754
CHIEFS.
171
00:08:24,837 --> 00:08:25,963
AND GEORGIA IS NOT ALONE.
172
00:08:26,047 --> 00:08:32,929
LEGISLATORS IN 18 STATES HAVE
INTRODUCED 40 BILLS TO IMPOSE
173
00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:34,138
NEW OR MORE-STRINGENT VOTER I.D.
174
00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:36,933
REQUIREMENTS FOR IN-PERSON
OR MAIL VOTING, AND 14 BILLS IN
175
00:08:37,016 --> 00:08:40,937
NINE STATES WOULD MAKE THE
"EXCUSE" REQUIREMENT MORE
176
00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:44,273
STRINGENT FOR ABSENTEE VOTING OR
ELIMINATE "NO EXCUSE" MAIL
177
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:45,399
VOTING.
178
00:08:45,483 --> 00:08:46,567
YEAH, IF YOU WANT TO VOTE
ABSENTEE, THE G.O.P. DEMANDS
179
00:08:46,651 --> 00:08:52,448
A GOOD EXCUSE, LIKE A NOTE FROM
YOUR DOCTOR.
180
00:08:52,531 --> 00:08:53,533
OR YOUR CADDY.
181
00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:56,911
AND THE SUPREME COURT COULD BE
ABOUT TO OPEN THE VOTER
182
00:08:56,994 --> 00:08:59,121
SUPPRESSION FLOODGATES.
183
00:08:59,205 --> 00:09:00,915
BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THEY HEARD
ORAL ARGUMENTS IN A CASE ABOUT
184
00:09:00,998 --> 00:09:04,794
AN ARIZONA LAW THAT MAKES IT A
CRIME FOR CAMPAIGN WORKERS,
185
00:09:04,877 --> 00:09:08,422
COMMUNITY ACTIVISTS, AND MOST
OTHER PEOPLE TO COLLECT BALLOTS
186
00:09:08,506 --> 00:09:10,716
FOR DELIVERY TO POLLING PLACES,
AND REQUIRES ELECTION OFFICIALS
187
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:14,679
TO DISCARD BALLOTS CAST AT THE
WRONG PRECINCT.
188
00:09:14,762 --> 00:09:16,973
WHEN JUSTICE AMY CONEY BARRETT
ASKED THE G.O.P.'S LAWYER WHY
189
00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:22,979
REPUBLICANS CARED ABOUT THAT, HE
WAS PRETTY CANDID: "BECAUSE IT
190
00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:26,190
PUTS US AT A COMPETITIVE
DISADVANTAGE, RELATIVE TO
191
00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:29,485
DEMOCRATS," ADDING, "POLITICS IS
A ZERO-SUM GAME."
192
00:09:29,568 --> 00:09:33,990
YES, IT'S A ZERO-SUM GAME.
193
00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:36,659
THE G.O.P. THINKS DEMOCRATS
SHOULD HAVE ZERO VOTES AND THEY
194
00:09:36,742 --> 00:09:40,037
HAVE SOME.
195
00:09:40,121 --> 00:09:41,330
BUT ZERO SUM OR NOT, THE RIGHT
TO VOTE IS NOT A GAME,
196
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:42,665
OTHERWISE, THE GETTYSBURG
ADDRESS WOULD HAVE ENDED:
197
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:49,005
"OF THE PEOPLE, BY THE PEOPLE,
FOR THE-- YAHTZEE!"
198
00:09:49,088 --> 00:09:53,009
SO THIS LAWYER ADMITTED
REPUBLICANS DON'T REALLY BELIEVE
199
00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:55,678
IN DEMOCRACY.
200
00:09:55,761 --> 00:10:00,975
INSTEAD, THEY BELIEVE IN--
I FORGET, WHAT IS IT?
201
00:10:01,058 --> 00:10:01,892
>> UNLIMITED POWER!
202
00:10:01,976 --> 00:10:04,186
>> Stephen: MITCH McCONNELL'S
LOOKING GOOD.
203
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:04,687
I THINK HE'S HAD SOME WORK DONE.
204
00:10:04,770 --> 00:10:07,356
A LITTLE FRESHEN-UP.
205
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:11,152
BUT HERE'S THE THING: THE
ARIZONA LAW THESE REPUBLICANS
206
00:10:11,235 --> 00:10:12,987
ARE FIGHTING FOR IN THE SUPREME
COURT WAS ALREADY IN EFFECT
207
00:10:13,070 --> 00:10:15,197
DURING THE LAST ELECTION, AND
THEY LOST ANYWAY.
208
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:19,201
SO IF REPUBLICANS ARE GOING TO
GAME THE SYSTEM AGAINST THE WILL
209
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:22,079
OF THE PEOPLE, THEY'RE GOING TO
HAVE TO GET A LITTLE HARSHER.
210
00:10:22,163 --> 00:10:23,289
JUST GO BACK TO POLL TESTS WITH
UNANSWERABLE QUESTIONS, LIKE
211
00:10:23,372 --> 00:10:27,168
GUESS HOW MANY JELLYBEANS ARE IN
A JAR OR "HOW DO YOU FOLD A
212
00:10:27,251 --> 00:10:29,670
FITTED SHEET?"
OR PUT THE POLLING PLACE IN THE
213
00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:33,215
CENTER OF A MAZE AND HAVE IT
GUARDED BY A MINOTAUR.
214
00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:34,050
OR TED CRUZ.
215
00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:43,184
EITHER WAY, THERE'S A LOT OF
BULLCRAP.
216
00:10:43,267 --> 00:10:44,852
SPEAKING OF GUYS WHO CAN REALLY
SHOVEL IT, REMEMBER WHITE HOUSE
217
00:10:44,935 --> 00:10:47,063
PHYSICIAN, CURRENT TEXAS
REPRESENTATIVE, AND GUY WHO'S
218
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:48,564
PRETTY SURE HE HEARD THOSE TEENS
MAKING FUN OF HIS HAT, DR. RONNY
219
00:10:48,647 --> 00:10:49,732
JACKSON?
220
00:10:49,815 --> 00:10:51,192
THE DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE
INSPECTOR GENERAL JUST RELEASED
221
00:10:51,275 --> 00:10:55,196
A REPORT ON DR. RONNY AND HIS
BEHAVIOR DURING HIS TENURE AS
222
00:10:55,279 --> 00:10:59,116
WHITE HOUSE PHYSICIAN, AND THE
FINDINGS ARE NOT GOOD.
223
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:02,286
THE REPORT SAYS THAT JACKSON
VIOLATED THE POLICY FOR DRINKING
224
00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:03,454
ALCOHOL WHILE ON A PRESIDENTIAL
TRIP, MADE "SEXUAL AND
225
00:11:03,537 --> 00:11:07,249
DENIGRATING" COMMENTS ABOUT A
FEMALE SUBORDINATE, AND TOOK
226
00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:09,585
PRESCRIPTION-STRENGTH SLEEPING
MEDICATION THAT PROMPTED
227
00:11:09,668 --> 00:11:13,422
CONCERNS ABOUT HIS ABILITY TO
PROVIDE PROPER CARE.
228
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,758
IT WAS THE MOST IRRESPONSIBLE
STAFFING OF THE WHITE HOUSE
229
00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:21,097
PHYSICIAN SINCE BILL CLINTON
APPOINTED AEROSMITH.
230
00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:23,265
THE REPORT FOCUSES ON A
PARTICULAR TRIP TO THE
231
00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:26,644
PHILIPPINES, WHERE A WITNESS
SAYS AS SOON AS THEY ARRIVED IN
232
00:11:26,727 --> 00:11:29,897
MANILA, JACKSON BEGAN DRINKING
IN THE HOTEL LOBBY, THEN GOT
233
00:11:29,980 --> 00:11:32,441
INTO A CAR WITH A DRINK IN HIS
HAND "TO GO OUT ON THE TOWN."
234
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:35,277
ANOTHER WITNESS SAID THEY SAW
JACKSON "POUNDING" ON THE DOOR
235
00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:37,780
OF A FEMALE SUBORDINATE'S ROOM.
236
00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:42,785
AND WHEN SHE OPENED THE DOOR,
JACKSON SAID, "I NEED YOU.
237
00:11:42,868 --> 00:11:43,994
I NEED YOU TO COME TO MY ROOM."
238
00:11:44,078 --> 00:11:49,375
WOW, THAT IS EITHER EXTREMELY
INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR, OR HE
239
00:11:49,458 --> 00:11:53,587
COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO WORK
THE HOTEL SHOWER.
240
00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:55,256
"IT'S GOT A KNOB, BUT ALSO A
LEVER, AND A BUTTON.
241
00:11:55,339 --> 00:11:58,092
ONE SIDE SAYS 'HOT' AND THE
OTHER SAYS 'PRESSURE?'
242
00:11:58,175 --> 00:12:02,012
I JUST WANT TO WASH MY BODY
SO I CAN THROW UP ON IT AGAIN."
243
00:12:02,096 --> 00:12:05,099
AND IT GETS GROSSER, BECAUSE A
WITNESS SAID THAT JACKSON TOLD
244
00:12:05,182 --> 00:12:06,809
THEM THAT A FEMALE MEDICAL
SUBORDINATE, WHO WAS ALSO ON THE
245
00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:11,313
TRIP, HAD "GREAT (BLEEP),"
ADDING, "WHAT A NICE (BLEEP)."
246
00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:15,317
IN HIS DEFENSE, THAT'S JUST THE
HIPPOCRATIC OATH HE TOOK.
247
00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:16,110
"FIRST, DO NO HARM.
248
00:12:16,193 --> 00:12:19,363
SECOND, TEAR ME OFF A PIECE OF
THAT.
249
00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:24,827
THIRD: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!"
JACKSON DENIED ALL THE
250
00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:27,288
ALLEGATIONS IN THE REPORT,
SAYING THAT THEY ARE
251
00:12:27,371 --> 00:12:31,333
"POLITICALLY MOTIVATED" AND THAT
THE INSPECTOR GENERAL SIMPLY
252
00:12:31,417 --> 00:12:33,210
"RESURRECTED" OLD ALLEGATIONS.
253
00:12:33,294 --> 00:12:34,462
THAT'S NOT EXACTLY THE AIRTIGHT
DEFENSE YOU THINK IT IS.
254
00:12:34,545 --> 00:12:35,504
( AS DEFENDANT )
"YOUR HONOR, I COULDN'T HAVE
255
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:39,300
COMMITTED THOSE CRIMES.
256
00:12:39,383 --> 00:12:43,012
I'VE BEEN SUSPECTED OF THEM FOR
YEARS!"
257
00:12:43,095 --> 00:12:44,388
DR. RONNY WENT ON TO SAY, "I
FLAT OUT REJECT ANY ALLEGATION
258
00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:47,892
THAT I CONSUMED ALCOHOL WHILE ON
DUTY."
259
00:12:47,975 --> 00:12:50,519
OKAY, SO YOU'RE SAYING YOU WERE
SOBER WHEN YOU SAID THIS ABOUT
260
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:53,731
THE FORMER PRESIDENT:
>> SOME PEOPLE HAVE GREAT
261
00:12:53,814 --> 00:12:55,024
GENES.
262
00:12:55,107 --> 00:12:57,443
I TOLD THE PRESIDENT IF HE HAD A
HEALTHIER DIET OVER THE LAST 20
263
00:12:57,526 --> 00:13:02,531
YEARS, HE MIGHT LIVE TO BE 200
YEARS OLD, I DON'T KNOW.
264
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:02,865
I MEAN, HE HAS INCREDIBLE-- UH,
HE HAS INCREDIBLE GENES, I JUST
265
00:13:02,948 --> 00:13:07,369
ASSUME.
266
00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:10,331
>> Stephen: OKAY, TO BE FAIR, HE
DOESN'T SOUND DRUNK THERE.
267
00:13:10,414 --> 00:13:11,373
IT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S SMOKIN'
CRANK'.
268
00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:12,500
"SOME PEOPLE HAVE GREAT GENES.
269
00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:13,167
I HAVE GREAT GENES.
270
00:13:13,250 --> 00:13:14,210
I COULD PUNCH THROUGH A WALL.
271
00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:15,711
I NEED YOU TO COME TO MY ROOM SO
WE CAN START A BAND!
272
00:13:15,794 --> 00:13:16,003
OR A RESTAURANT!
273
00:13:16,086 --> 00:13:19,381
I'M SAD.
274
00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:26,180
LET'S DANCE!"
OKAY.
275
00:13:26,263 --> 00:13:27,389
NOW, LET'S GET TO TONIGHT'S BIG
STORY.
276
00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:31,393
ON A RECENT FLIGHT THAT WAS
HEADED TO QATAR, A STRAY CAT
277
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:35,272
STOWED AWAY, AND THE CAT
APPARENTLY WENT ON A RAMPAGE IN
278
00:13:35,356 --> 00:13:36,899
THE COCKPIT AND WAS SO
DISRUPTIVE THAT THE PILOT
279
00:13:36,982 --> 00:13:41,195
ACTUALLY DECIDED TO TURN THE
PLANE AROUND AND ABANDON THE
280
00:13:41,278 --> 00:13:42,363
FLIGHT'S SCHEDULED ROUTE.
281
00:13:42,446 --> 00:13:47,034
IT WAS THE MOST DISTURBING
APPEARANCE OF A CAT ON THE PLANE
282
00:13:47,117 --> 00:13:50,704
SINCE "CATS!"
THE CAT IN QUESTION WAS SAID TO
283
00:13:50,788 --> 00:13:51,789
BE A FERAL FELINE AND LIKELY
BOARDED THE PLANE WHILE IT WAS
284
00:13:51,872 --> 00:13:55,376
PARKED IN THE HANGAR OVERNIGHT
FOR CLEANING.
285
00:13:55,459 --> 00:13:59,380
WHICH MEANS IT'S TIME TO
ELIMINATE THE 737'S
286
00:13:59,463 --> 00:14:01,924
CONTROVERSIAL "KITTY DOOR."
287
00:14:02,007 --> 00:14:03,300
AND IS THIS TRUE?
288
00:14:03,384 --> 00:14:05,094
I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE A
RECORDING OF THE FLIGHT
289
00:14:05,177 --> 00:14:06,637
ANNOUNCEMENT.
290
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,264
( HORRIBLE CAT SOUNDS )
( SHRIEKING AND WAILING )
291
00:14:08,347 --> 00:14:10,766
>> UUHHHH, ATTENTION
PASSENGERS, THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN
292
00:14:10,849 --> 00:14:11,976
SPEAKING.
293
00:14:12,059 --> 00:14:13,811
WE ARE CRUISING AT 34,000 FEET,
AND THERE IS A CAT CLAWING AT
294
00:14:13,894 --> 00:14:14,937
MY FACE.
295
00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:17,815
YOU MAY EXPERIENCE SOME MILD
TURBULENCE AS I STAUNCH THE
296
00:14:17,898 --> 00:14:19,066
BLOOD FLOWING FROM MY CAROTID
ARTERY.
297
00:14:19,149 --> 00:14:20,901
IF THERE'S AN AIR MARSHALL ON
BOARD, I HOPE YOU HAVE A CAN OF
298
00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:27,449
TUNA.
299
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:31,453
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
300
00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:33,289
MY GUEST IS PAUL BETTANY.
301
00:14:33,372 --> 00:14:35,457
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, CORPORATIONS
ARE GETTING THEIR OWN CITIES.
302
00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:39,503
STICK AROUND.
303
00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:43,507
♪ ♪ ♪
304
00:14:57,396 --> 00:15:05,070
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
305
00:15:05,154 --> 00:15:08,490
WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
306
00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:10,701
LET'S SAY HELLO TO MR. JON
BATISTE.
307
00:15:10,784 --> 00:15:13,454
HEY, JON, GOOD TOY SOO YOU
AGAIN.
308
00:15:13,537 --> 00:15:16,665
MAN, LAST NIGHT, WE'RE STILL
HAVING TO COOL DOWN THE BUILDING
309
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:18,500
FROM YOUR PERFORMANCE ON THE
SHOW LAST NIGHT.
310
00:15:18,584 --> 00:15:19,668
THERE WAS STRUCTURAL DAMAGE.
311
00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:24,465
THEY HAD TO BRING IN ENGINEERS
TO SEE IF THEY COULD SHORE UP
312
00:15:24,548 --> 00:15:25,341
THE ED SULLIVAN.
313
00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:28,886
>> Jon: YEAH, YOU KNOW, IT WAS
FOUR OF ME.
314
00:15:28,969 --> 00:15:30,971
WHEN YOU HAVE FOUR OF ME IT'S A
LOT.
315
00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:35,184
>> Stephen: LEGALLY YOU CAN'T
HAVE MORE THAN FOUR JON BATISTES
316
00:15:35,267 --> 00:15:35,726
IN ONE LOCATION.
317
00:15:35,809 --> 00:15:36,685
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
318
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:38,145
I GOT FOUR REGISTRATION NUMBERS
FOR THAT GIG.
319
00:15:38,228 --> 00:15:39,021
IT WAS BIG.
320
00:15:39,104 --> 00:15:41,857
THE UNION HAD TO COME IN ON
THAT, YOU SEE.
321
00:15:41,940 --> 00:15:43,942
>> Stephen: IS THERE ANY MUSIC
LEFT IN YOUR BODY TODAY, JON?
322
00:15:44,026 --> 00:15:48,030
YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO FAVOR THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE WITH?
323
00:15:48,113 --> 00:15:53,369
>> Jon: YEAH, ALWAYS A LITTLE
TASTE IN THIS.
324
00:15:53,452 --> 00:16:05,047
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A FINE
325
00:16:05,130 --> 00:16:08,050
WAY TO TREAT A STEINWAY.
326
00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:09,635
MR. JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.
327
00:16:09,718 --> 00:16:10,094
THANK YOU, JON.
328
00:16:10,177 --> 00:16:18,394
>> Jon: LAY IT ON.
329
00:16:18,477 --> 00:16:19,520
>> Stephen: LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, THERE ARE A LOT OF
330
00:16:19,603 --> 00:16:21,563
URGENT CONCERNS FACING AMERICANS
RIGHT NOW: WHEN WILL THE
331
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:23,565
VACCINATION RATE ALLOW US TO
REACH HERD IMMUNITY?
332
00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:25,359
HAS SOCIAL MEDIA FLUNG OUR
NATION INTO AN EPISTEMOLOGICAL
333
00:16:25,442 --> 00:16:27,277
CRISIS?
334
00:16:27,361 --> 00:16:33,409
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY
SWAMP-BASED TV SHOWS?
335
00:16:33,492 --> 00:16:34,493
THE ISSUE IS THAT THERE ARE SO
MANY BIG ISSUES, THAT SOMETIMES
336
00:16:34,576 --> 00:16:37,579
YOU LOSE SIGHT OF THE LITTLE
ISSUES BECAUSE OF SUCH BIG
337
00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:38,539
ISSUES.
338
00:16:38,622 --> 00:16:39,707
AND THAT'S AN ISSUE.
339
00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:45,713
WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY RECURRING
SEGMENT, "UH-OH!" WHERE WE
340
00:16:45,796 --> 00:16:47,715
EXAMINE ISSUES THAT, ONCE YOU
START THINKING ABOUT, YOU REALLY
341
00:16:47,798 --> 00:16:51,927
WISH YOU COULD STOP THINKING
ABOUT.
342
00:16:52,010 --> 00:16:56,932
TONIGHT'S "UH-OH," BIG TECH
COMPANIES LOVE TO MAKE PROMISES
343
00:16:57,015 --> 00:16:58,142
IN ORDER TO SUCK UP THOSE SWEET
SWEET STATE SUBSIDIES, LIKE THE
344
00:16:58,225 --> 00:17:04,732
PROPOSED WISCONSIN FOXCONN PLANT
THAT PROMISED 13,000 JOBS, AND
345
00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:08,444
FOR WHICH "FOXCONN TORE UP A
SMALL TOWN," "RAZED HOMES AND
346
00:17:08,527 --> 00:17:09,111
CROPS," AND WAS PROMISED "MORE
THAN $4.5 BILLION IN GOVERNMENT
347
00:17:09,194 --> 00:17:11,113
INCENTIVES."
348
00:17:11,196 --> 00:17:16,660
AND TO THIS DAY, THAT PLANT
"STILL HASN'T BEEN BUILT."
349
00:17:16,744 --> 00:17:17,536
PLUS, THE FOXCONN C.E.O.
350
00:17:17,619 --> 00:17:20,080
PROMISED 76 TROMBONES!
351
00:17:20,164 --> 00:17:22,958
PLUS, COPPER-BOTTOM TIMPANI IN
HORSE PLATOONS AND DOUBLE BELL
352
00:17:23,041 --> 00:17:24,460
EUPHONIUMS AND BIG BASSOONS!
353
00:17:24,543 --> 00:17:25,627
THAT FELLA'S BEEN A RASPBERRY
SEED IN MY WISDOM TOOTH
354
00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:34,052
LONG ENOUGH!
355
00:17:34,136 --> 00:17:35,471
PLUS, NOW TECH COMPANIES HAVE
REALIZED THERE'S A MAJOR
356
00:17:35,554 --> 00:17:37,473
PROBLEM WITH STRIPPING LOCAL
COMMUNITIES FOR THEIR GOLD
357
00:17:37,556 --> 00:17:39,183
FILLINGS AND TAX BASE: THE
HASSLE OF HAVING TO LIE FIRST.
358
00:17:39,266 --> 00:17:45,481
BUT THERE'S A SOLUTION TO THE
PROBLEM OF ANY PUBLIC
359
00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:48,150
ACCOUNTABILITY, BECAUSE IN ORDER
TO ATTRACT JOBS AND INVESTMENT,
360
00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:49,401
"A NEW NEVADA BILL WOULD ALLOW
TECH COMPANIES TO CREATE THEIR
361
00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:53,489
OWN GOVERNMENTS," "ESTABLISHING
NEW BUSINESS AREAS WHERE THEY
362
00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:56,825
CAN FORM SEPARATE LOCAL
GOVERNMENTS," WHICH PROVIDE
363
00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:57,493
SERVICES AND IMPOSE TAXES.
364
00:17:57,576 --> 00:17:59,912
UH-OH.
365
00:17:59,995 --> 00:18:01,663
I, FOR ONE, DO NOT WANT TO LIVE
IN THE PRINCIPALITY OF
366
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:02,831
"GOOGLETOWN."
367
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:05,501
YOU WON'T BE ALLOWED TO BUY
GOOGLEMILK AT THE GOOGLEMART
368
00:18:05,584 --> 00:18:06,293
UNLESS YOU BUY A GOOGLE GLASS!
369
00:18:06,376 --> 00:18:07,127
NO ONE WANTS IT!
370
00:18:07,211 --> 00:18:11,715
STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT GOOGLE
HAPPEN!
371
00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:15,677
NOW, ENCOURAGING INNOVATIVE
COMPANIES TO COME TO YOUR STATE
372
00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:17,679
IS A GOOD THING, BUT NOT IF THEY
REPLACE THE STATE.
373
00:18:17,763 --> 00:18:21,892
AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THIS
PROPOSES, WHICH LEADS TO MY
374
00:18:21,975 --> 00:18:26,438
"UH-OH" SUB-SEGMENT: "YIKES!"
THESE CORPORATE GOVERNMENTS
375
00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:29,525
WOULDN'T EVEN BE SUBJECT TO
LOCAL GOVERNMENT.
376
00:18:29,608 --> 00:18:32,236
THEY WOULD BE CARVED OUT
SEPARATELY AS SO-CALLED
377
00:18:32,319 --> 00:18:34,238
"INNOVATION ZONES," AND WOULD BE
GIVEN THE SAME AUTHORITY AS
378
00:18:34,321 --> 00:18:36,573
COUNTIES.
379
00:18:36,657 --> 00:18:37,741
YIKES!
380
00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:43,914
WE ALREADY HAVE A WORD FOR
MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE WHO HOLD
381
00:18:43,997 --> 00:18:45,207
THE SAME POWER AS GOVERNMENTS:
IT'S CALLED "FEUDALISM."
382
00:18:45,290 --> 00:18:48,418
YOU REALLY WANT TO ESTABLISH A
SOCIETY BASED ON THE MIDDLE
383
00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:49,628
AGES?
384
00:18:49,711 --> 00:18:52,047
GOOD LUCK, BECAUSE THE HOSPITAL
YOU WILL NO LONGER HAVE THE
385
00:18:52,130 --> 00:18:53,757
CORPORATE TAXES TO PAY FOR IS
NOW JUST GOING TO BE A BUCKET OF
386
00:18:53,841 --> 00:18:57,553
LEECHES.
387
00:18:57,636 --> 00:18:58,679
SUCKER!
388
00:18:58,762 --> 00:18:59,680
NOW, YOU MAY BE ASKING, CAN
ANYONE WHO OWNS A RADIOSHACK
389
00:18:59,763 --> 00:19:03,225
FRANCHISE FOUND THEIR OWN
GOVERNMENT IN NEVADA?
390
00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:05,561
THE ANSWER IS NO, BUT THAT'S
SOMEHOW LESS COMFORTING,
391
00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:11,733
WHICH LEADS ME TO MY "YIKES!"
SUB-SUB-SEGMENT: "GULP!"
392
00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:13,819
ACCORDING TO THE PROPOSED LAW,
THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO COULD APPLY
393
00:19:13,902 --> 00:19:18,073
FOR AN "INNOVATION ZONE" WOULD
NEED TO HAVE ENOUGH MONEY, ACRES
394
00:19:18,156 --> 00:19:21,952
UPON ACRES OF UNDEVELOPED LAND,
AND AN "INNOVATIVE TECHNOLOGY."
395
00:19:22,035 --> 00:19:25,414
GULP!
396
00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:29,126
THOSE ARE THREE CONDITIONS
BETTER KNOWN AS THE BOND VILLAIN
397
00:19:29,209 --> 00:19:31,628
COMBO.
398
00:19:31,712 --> 00:19:32,838
AND IT'S HAPPENING AS I SPEAK.
399
00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:34,381
A COMPANY CALLED BLOCKCHAINS
L.L.C. HAS ALREADY COMMITTED TO
400
00:19:34,464 --> 00:19:37,467
BUILDING A "SMART CITY" THAT
WILL RUN ON ITS TECHNOLOGY.
401
00:19:37,551 --> 00:19:41,597
GULP!
402
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:44,766
BLOCKCHAIN IS WHAT THEY USE FOR
CRYPTOCURRENCY, YOU KNOW, THE
403
00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:45,559
MADE-UP MONEY FOR DRUG LORDS,
HIT MEN, AND GUYS ON TINDER WHO
404
00:19:45,642 --> 00:19:49,605
WANT TO EXPLAIN WHAT BLOCKCHAIN
IS!
405
00:19:49,688 --> 00:19:51,940
THIS IS A BAD ROAD TO GO DOWN,
FOLKS, BECAUSE IF WE START
406
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:57,613
HANDING OVER OUR INDEPENDENT
GOVERNMENT TO THE INTERESTS OF
407
00:19:57,696 --> 00:20:00,240
PRIVATE INDUSTRY JUST FOR JOBS
AND INVESTMENT, THE NEXT THING
408
00:20:00,324 --> 00:20:01,450
YOU KNOW, WE'LL BE SPENDING
BILLIONS IN PUBLIC FUNDS TO A
409
00:20:01,533 --> 00:20:04,244
LEAGUE THAT PAYS NO TAXES FOR
FOOTBALL STADIUMS THAT IT ONLY
410
00:20:04,328 --> 00:20:09,666
USES FOR EIGHT GAMES A YEAR--
WHAT?!!
411
00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:10,876
UH-OH!
412
00:20:10,959 --> 00:20:13,420
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STAR OF
"WANDAVISION," PAUL BETTANY.
413
00:20:13,503 --> 00:20:17,049
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
414
00:20:26,016 --> 00:20:29,978
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK,
415
00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:31,813
EVERYBODY.
416
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:34,107
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACTOR YOU
KNOW FROM "THE DA VINCI CODE,"
417
00:20:34,191 --> 00:20:36,485
"MASTER AND COMMANDER," AND AS
VISION IN THE MARVEL CINEMATIC
418
00:20:36,568 --> 00:20:37,986
UNIVERSE.
419
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:41,949
HE NOW STARS IN "WANDAVISION."
420
00:20:42,032 --> 00:20:46,620
>> SO...
421
00:20:46,703 --> 00:20:48,497
>> YES, BUT IT'S NOT THAT
SIMPLE.
422
00:20:48,580 --> 00:20:52,834
YOU ASKED HER TO DO IT.
423
00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:55,003
>> WHY WOULD I HAVE DONE THAT?
424
00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:56,296
>> TO SAVE THE UNIVERSE.
425
00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:58,840
WELL, HALF OF IT.
426
00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:01,385
>> DID IT WORK?
427
00:21:01,468 --> 00:21:04,513
>> IT DID.
428
00:21:04,596 --> 00:21:06,348
UNTIL THE BAD GUY REWOUND TIME.
429
00:21:06,431 --> 00:21:10,018
THERE ARE A FEW EXTRA STEPS, BUT
TO SET UP THE CONTEXT.
430
00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:11,520
>> I CAME BACK AND DIED AGAIN.
431
00:21:11,603 --> 00:21:15,691
>> AND SHE HAD TO WATCH.
432
00:21:15,774 --> 00:21:19,194
OH, MAN, ANOTHER RED LIGHT!
433
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:23,991
OVERKILL OUT IN THE STICKS HERE,
DON'T YOU THINK?
434
00:21:24,074 --> 00:21:26,326
>> YES.
435
00:21:26,410 --> 00:21:32,165
♪ ♪ ♪
I BELIEVE, I THINK, THAT ONE DAY
436
00:21:32,249 --> 00:21:36,753
IS CREATING THESE IMPEDIMENTS TO
STOP ME FROM RETURNING HOME.
437
00:21:36,837 --> 00:21:40,674
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME TO
"A LATE SHOW," PAUL BETTANY!
438
00:21:40,757 --> 00:21:42,551
>> Stephen: HI PAUL BETTANY,
GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
439
00:21:42,634 --> 00:21:43,760
>> NICE TO SEE YOU.
440
00:21:43,844 --> 00:21:47,764
>> Stephen: I WANT TO GET TO
"WANDAVISION" IN JUST A MINUTE.
441
00:21:47,848 --> 00:21:50,392
I'M OBSESSED.
442
00:21:50,475 --> 00:21:51,643
MY FAMILY AND I WATCH.
443
00:21:51,727 --> 00:21:56,398
WE WATCHED THE "WATCH TOGETHER"
FUNCTION ON THE DISNEY+, WHERE
444
00:21:56,481 --> 00:21:59,026
EVERYBODY, WHEREVER YOU ARE, YOU
CAN WATCH AT THE SAME TIME, AND
445
00:21:59,109 --> 00:22:02,029
EVERYBODY CAN PAUSE AND GO,
"WAIT, WAIT, GO BACK.
446
00:22:02,112 --> 00:22:03,155
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
447
00:22:03,238 --> 00:22:07,576
WHAT WAS THAT EASTER EGG?"
I WATCHED THE VIDEOS BREAKING
448
00:22:07,659 --> 00:22:12,080
DOWN WHERE THE EASTER EGGS ARE,
ALL THE FAN, YOU KNOW, FAN
449
00:22:12,164 --> 00:22:13,373
THEORY VIDEOS.
450
00:22:13,457 --> 00:22:14,583
I'M-- I'M COMPLETELY SWEPT.
451
00:22:14,666 --> 00:22:17,461
IT'S THE ONLY THING PULLING ME
THROUGH THE VERY END OF COVID
452
00:22:17,544 --> 00:22:18,628
RIGHT NOW.
453
00:22:18,712 --> 00:22:22,007
I CAN SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END
OF THE TUNNEL, AND YOU'RE--
454
00:22:22,090 --> 00:22:24,760
YOU'RE MY CYBIL TAKING ME
THROUGH THE DARK CAVES.
455
00:22:24,843 --> 00:22:26,762
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE, AND
THANK YOU FOR DOING THE SHOW.
456
00:22:26,845 --> 00:22:28,722
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.
457
00:22:28,805 --> 00:22:31,475
I FEEL LIKE-- I NOW FEEL SO MUCH
PRESSURE ABOUT THE LAST EPISODE.
458
00:22:31,558 --> 00:22:34,352
>> Stephen: YEAH, YOU SHOULD.
459
00:22:34,436 --> 00:22:36,938
YOU SHOULD.
460
00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:42,360
BEFORE WE GET TO THAT, THOUGH,
ARE YOU ABOUT TO OR DID YOU JUST
461
00:22:42,444 --> 00:22:43,570
TURN 50?
462
00:22:43,653 --> 00:22:48,950
>> NO, I'M ABOUT-- I'M ABOUT TO
TURN-- I'M ABOUT TO TURN 50,
463
00:22:49,034 --> 00:22:49,993
YEAH.
464
00:22:50,077 --> 00:22:51,203
>> Stephen: AND NOW, HOW LONG
BEFORE YOU TURN 50?
465
00:22:51,286 --> 00:22:53,997
DO YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT A SHOT
AT CELEBRATING, LIKE, WITH AN
466
00:22:54,081 --> 00:22:54,539
ACTUAL PARTY?
467
00:22:54,623 --> 00:22:55,957
IT'S A BIG MILESTONE.
468
00:22:56,041 --> 00:23:02,089
>> I GUESS IT'S-- I GUESS IT'S
MAY 27.
469
00:23:02,172 --> 00:23:02,798
>> Stephen: COULD BE.
470
00:23:02,881 --> 00:23:04,800
>> I COULD GET THERE, I SUPPOSE.
471
00:23:04,883 --> 00:23:08,428
I WAS-- I WAS QUITE ANXIOUS
ABOUT IT, BUT THAT WAS LAST
472
00:23:08,512 --> 00:23:15,852
YEAR, BECAUSE THE, YOU KNOW,
LIFE PREPARES YOU FOR THESE
473
00:23:15,936 --> 00:23:17,813
MOMENTS BY GIVING YOU SENIOR
MOMENTS.
474
00:23:17,896 --> 00:23:20,482
AND I THOUGHT I WAS TURNING 50
LAST YEAR.
475
00:23:20,565 --> 00:23:24,611
LAUGH AND THEN I REALIZED I
WASN'T, SO I ACTUALLY HAVE AN
476
00:23:24,694 --> 00:23:27,322
EXTRA YEAR OF LIFE, WHICH IS
GREAT!
477
00:23:27,405 --> 00:23:28,865
>> Stephen: 49 IS A LITTLE
YOUNG FOR A SENIOR MOMENT.
478
00:23:28,949 --> 00:23:29,908
>> I DON'T KNOW.
479
00:23:29,991 --> 00:23:33,286
I MEAN, MAYBE I WAS BURNING A
CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS.
480
00:23:33,370 --> 00:23:34,996
I DON'T KNOW.
481
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:40,836
>> Stephen: TOM HANKS TOLD A
STORY ABOUTۇ YOU ON THE "GRAHAM
482
00:23:40,919 --> 00:23:46,174
NORTON SHOW" ABOUT WHEN YOU WERE
THE ALBINO ASSASSIN ON "THE DA
483
00:23:46,258 --> 00:23:47,008
VINCI CODE."
484
00:23:47,092 --> 00:23:48,009
DO YOU THINK THE STORY I'M
TALKING ABOUT?
485
00:23:48,093 --> 00:23:52,556
AND THAT YOU PUNCHED HIM IN THE
STOMACH AND--
486
00:23:52,639 --> 00:23:57,602
>> HE TOLD THE STORY OF ME
MAKING HIM FART?
487
00:23:57,686 --> 00:23:59,729
>> Stephen: I WANT TO KNOW IF
THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
488
00:23:59,813 --> 00:24:00,355
DID THIS REALLY HAPPEN?
489
00:24:00,438 --> 00:24:01,481
>> YES, IT REALLY HAPPENED!
490
00:24:01,565 --> 00:24:05,193
>> Stephen: PLEASE TELL THE
PEOPLE-- TOM WAS FINE WITH
491
00:24:05,277 --> 00:24:06,236
TELLING IT.
492
00:24:06,319 --> 00:24:08,697
SO PLEASE, I WANT YOUR-- WAS
THIS YOUR FIRST MOVIE?
493
00:24:08,780 --> 00:24:11,575
>> IT WAS NOT MY FIRST MOVIE,
BUT IT WAS MY FIRST SCENE WITH
494
00:24:11,658 --> 00:24:15,203
TOM HANKS, THE BIGGEST MOVIE
STAR IN THE WORLD.
495
00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:15,829
>> Stephen: SURE.
496
00:24:15,912 --> 00:24:18,415
>> AND I WAS VERY NERVOUS.
497
00:24:18,498 --> 00:24:21,209
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S TOLD
THIS STORY.
498
00:24:21,293 --> 00:24:23,587
BUT NOW, LIKE THE SHACKLES ARE
OFF.
499
00:24:23,670 --> 00:24:26,548
YOU KNOW, I CAN-- I CAN TELL IT.
500
00:24:26,631 --> 00:24:30,719
AND SO I-- I HAD TO GRAB HIM,
AND I HAD TO PUNCH HIM IN THE
501
00:24:30,802 --> 00:24:31,887
STOMACH.
502
00:24:31,970 --> 00:24:33,889
AND IT'S VERY QUIET ON THE SET,
RIGHT, BECAUSE THE SOUND AND
503
00:24:33,972 --> 00:24:35,182
WHATEVER.
504
00:24:35,265 --> 00:24:38,018
BUT IT'S ALWAYS MORE QUIET WHEN
THERE'S A STUNT GOING ON BECAUSE
505
00:24:38,101 --> 00:24:41,354
YOU'RE WORRIED SOMEBODY'S GOING
TO GET HURT, SO EVERYBODY IS
506
00:24:41,438 --> 00:24:42,480
LISTENING.
507
00:24:42,564 --> 00:24:46,401
AND I PUNCHED HIM IN THE
STOMACH, AND HE-- AND HE FARTED
508
00:24:46,484 --> 00:24:49,237
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LOUDLY
EYE MEAN, BUT REALLY LOUDLY.
509
00:24:49,321 --> 00:24:52,699
AND I-- I CAN'T-- I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT THE FORM WAS.
510
00:24:52,782 --> 00:24:56,411
LIKE, WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THE
BIGGEST MOVIE STAR IN THE WORLD
511
00:24:56,494 --> 00:24:57,412
FARTS?
512
00:24:57,495 --> 00:24:58,538
AND I KIND OF LOOKED AT HIM AND
SAID, "WELL."
513
00:24:58,622 --> 00:25:02,459
AND HE SAID, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH
YOU.
514
00:25:02,542 --> 00:25:03,752
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!
515
00:25:03,835 --> 00:25:05,754
YOU JUST MADE ME FART."
516
00:25:05,837 --> 00:25:07,547
I NEVER-- I NEVER REACHED THOSE
HEIGHTS AGAIN.
517
00:25:07,631 --> 00:25:11,885
>> Stephen: LET ME ASK YOU
THIS: BECAUSE IT'S TOM HANKS WAS
518
00:25:11,968 --> 00:25:15,472
THE FART REALLY RELATABLE.
519
00:25:15,555 --> 00:25:20,310
>> IT'S AN EVERMAN FART.
520
00:25:20,393 --> 00:25:23,730
>> Stephen: YOU'VE BEEN A BIG
STAR FOR A LONG TIME NOW.
521
00:25:23,813 --> 00:25:26,608
DO YOU REMEMBER THOSE EARLY,
REALLY HARD AUDITIONS?
522
00:25:26,691 --> 00:25:31,112
BECAUSE I-- I'M NO LONGER LIKE
AN ACTOR, BUT I DID A MILLION OF
523
00:25:31,196 --> 00:25:34,074
THEM MYSELF, AND THEY CAN BE
ABSOLUTELY-- THE STRESS IS
524
00:25:34,157 --> 00:25:34,366
CRUSHING.
525
00:25:34,449 --> 00:25:35,617
>> YES.
526
00:25:35,700 --> 00:25:38,787
>> Stephen: AND THEN SOMETIMES
THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE TERRIBLE.
527
00:25:38,870 --> 00:25:40,789
DO YOU REMEMBER PARTICULARLY
HARD AUDITIONS WHEN YOU WERE A
528
00:25:40,872 --> 00:25:41,164
YOUNG ACTOR?
529
00:25:41,248 --> 00:25:42,791
>> YES, I DO.
530
00:25:42,874 --> 00:25:44,417
AND THEY WERE ALL AWFUL.
531
00:25:44,501 --> 00:25:48,171
AND I'M DYSLEXIC, SO I WORK
REALLY HARD ON THEM.
532
00:25:48,255 --> 00:25:51,716
AND THEN SOMETIMES, PEOPLE LIKE
ROBERT DeNIRO, WOULD, LIKE,
533
00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:56,263
MESS YOU AROUND AND THEY WOULD
SAY, "HEY, COME AND AUDITION."
534
00:25:56,346 --> 00:25:59,641
AND YOU WOULD PREPARE, AND
THEN-- AND THEN THEY'D PUSH OFF
535
00:25:59,724 --> 00:26:00,892
THE AUDITION DATE.
536
00:26:00,976 --> 00:26:06,564
BUT I ALSO-- I HAD A BABY, AND
SO I WAS GETTING, LIKE, MY WIFE
537
00:26:06,648 --> 00:26:07,232
WAS WORKING.
538
00:26:07,315 --> 00:26:08,483
>> Stephen: JENNIFER CONNOLLY.
539
00:26:08,566 --> 00:26:12,821
>> YEAH, AND I WAS GETTING, YOU
KNOW, PEOPLE TO COME IN AND LOOK
540
00:26:12,904 --> 00:26:15,699
AFTER THE KID WHILE I WENT TO DO
THE AUDITION.
541
00:26:15,782 --> 00:26:22,497
AND THEN HE WOULD, AT THE LAST
MINUTE, HE WOULD-- HE WOULD
542
00:26:22,580 --> 00:26:23,707
RESCHEDULE.
543
00:26:23,790 --> 00:26:26,793
SO FINALLY WHAT I DID WAS I JUST
WORE MY BABY, AND I SHOWED UP.
544
00:26:26,876 --> 00:26:28,628
>> Stephen: HOW DID IT GO?
545
00:26:28,712 --> 00:26:30,672
>> NOT VERY WELL.
546
00:26:30,755 --> 00:26:34,843
( LAUGHTER )
HE GAVE THE JOB TO MATT DAMON,
547
00:26:34,926 --> 00:26:37,178
AND I GUESS MATT DAMON EYE SAW
THE FILM.
548
00:26:37,262 --> 00:26:39,514
HE PLAYED IT WITHOUT A BABY,
WHICH I THOUGHT WAS WEIRD.
549
00:26:39,597 --> 00:26:40,181
>> Stephen: IT'S AN EASY
CHOICE.
550
00:26:40,265 --> 00:26:41,516
IT'S A LAZY CHOICE, REALLY.
551
00:26:41,599 --> 00:26:49,024
>> REALLY LAZY CHOICE.
552
00:26:49,107 --> 00:26:54,529
>> Stephen: I WANT TO TALK
ABOUT JARVIS AND VISION, WHEN
553
00:26:54,612 --> 00:26:58,033
YOU FIRST, LIKE SAW WHAT VISION
NEEDED TO LOOK LIKE, WERE YOU
554
00:26:58,116 --> 00:27:02,162
SAYING TO YOURSELF, "GOD, GOD,
PLEASE LET ME HAVE A GOOD BALD
555
00:27:02,245 --> 00:27:03,705
HEAD?"
BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO HAVE A
556
00:27:03,788 --> 00:27:06,750
REALLY GOOD-SHAPED HEAD, LIKE A
REALLY NICE, SYMMETRICAL HEAD.
557
00:27:06,833 --> 00:27:10,545
DID YOU HAVE ANY DOUBTS THAT YOU
COULD PULL OFF THE UNIFORM?
558
00:27:10,628 --> 00:27:13,548
>> YES, I DID.
559
00:27:13,631 --> 00:27:17,719
I THOUGHT THEY MIGHT HELP ME OUT
WITH C.G., BUT IT TURNED OUT MY
560
00:27:17,802 --> 00:27:21,931
BALT HEAD IS MY BEST FEATURE.
561
00:27:22,015 --> 00:27:26,061
I'M LOOKING TO MY DOTAGE WITH,
YOU KNOW, A LITTLE-- A LITTLE
562
00:27:26,144 --> 00:27:26,811
OPTIMISM.
563
00:27:26,895 --> 00:27:27,562
>> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT THE
EARS?
564
00:27:27,645 --> 00:27:28,271
BECAUSE THEY'RE COVERED UP.
565
00:27:28,355 --> 00:27:30,648
I HATE PEOPLE TOUCHING MY EARS.
566
00:27:30,732 --> 00:27:31,900
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE CUPS?
567
00:27:31,983 --> 00:27:35,236
>> THAT'S SWEET OF YOU-- I WAS
SAYING THIS TO YOUR PRODUCER.
568
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:39,532
I WAS SAYING THAT'S SO
THOUGHTFUL OF HIM BECAUSE IT WAS
569
00:27:39,616 --> 00:27:39,866
REALLY, REALLY PAINFUL.
570
00:27:39,949 --> 00:27:40,700
IT'S FUN.
571
00:27:40,784 --> 00:27:42,744
THEY'RE CLHSED OFF AND IT'S
FINE.
572
00:27:42,827 --> 00:27:46,581
AND THEN AFTER DAY TWO, IT
BEGINS TO REALLY HURT.
573
00:27:46,664 --> 00:27:49,959
SO THEN THEY MADE-- AND YOU
CAN'T HEAR ANYBODY, WHICH IS
574
00:27:50,043 --> 00:27:51,628
GREAT IF YOU'VE GOT, LIKE, A
TERRIBLE DIRECTOR OR WHATEVER,
575
00:27:51,711 --> 00:27:55,632
AND YOU JUST --
>> Stephen: SURE SURE, YEAH.
576
00:27:55,715 --> 00:27:58,635
>> BUT THEN THEY POPPED OFF, AND
NOW THEY JUST-- THEY JUST LEAVE
577
00:27:58,718 --> 00:28:03,139
THEM OUT, AND THEY TAKE THEM OUT
DIGITALLY.
578
00:28:03,223 --> 00:28:04,391
>> Stephen: YOU'RE KIDDING.
579
00:28:04,474 --> 00:28:10,063
SO IF I SAW YOU ON SET IT WOULD
BE ALL VISION BUT THEN JUST...
580
00:28:10,146 --> 00:28:12,899
>> THESE THINGS ARE HERE LIKE
THIS, AND THEY SPEND LOTS AND
581
00:28:12,982 --> 00:28:16,111
LOTS OF MONEY TAKING THESE OUT.
582
00:28:16,194 --> 00:28:20,240
>> Stephen: NOW, EVERYBODY IN
THE MARVEL UNIVERSE, OBVIOUSLY
583
00:28:20,323 --> 00:28:24,911
ALL THE ACTORS, HAVE TO, LIKE,
BASICALLY HAVE A SPOILER LOCK
584
00:28:24,994 --> 00:28:27,122
BOX OVER THEIR MOUTH.
585
00:28:27,205 --> 00:28:29,165
THEY CAN'T EVER GIVE ANYTHING
AWAY.
586
00:28:29,249 --> 00:28:30,792
I'M NOT GOING TO TRY TO, LIKE,
MINE YOU FOR INFORMATION.
587
00:28:30,875 --> 00:28:35,255
WHAT I WANT TO KNOW, IS THE SAME
QUESTION I ASKED ROBERT DOWNEY
588
00:28:35,338 --> 00:28:37,298
JR., ARE YOU GOOD AT KEEPING
SECRETS?
589
00:28:37,382 --> 00:28:42,637
>> I'M KIND OF-- I'M KIND OF
GIFTED AT THAT, YES.
590
00:28:42,720 --> 00:28:43,930
IT'S-- IT'S IT'S A STRONG SUIT
OF MINE.
591
00:28:44,013 --> 00:28:47,934
MY DAD WAS-- I COME FROM A
THEATRICAL FAMILY.
592
00:28:48,017 --> 00:28:52,355
MY DAD WAS ALWAYS LIKE, "YOU
NEVER LET THE AUDIENCE SEE YOU
593
00:28:52,439 --> 00:28:56,776
IN YOUR COSTUME AND YOUR MAKEUP
BEFORE THE CURTAIN OPENS."
594
00:28:56,860 --> 00:29:00,155
SO I SORT OF HAD THAT THING IN--
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW HOW THE
595
00:29:00,238 --> 00:29:01,406
MAGIC TRICK IS DONE.
596
00:29:01,489 --> 00:29:06,870
I DON'T LIKE DEG E.P.K., AND I
DON'T LIKE EYE DON'T LIKE ANY OF
597
00:29:06,953 --> 00:29:08,121
THAT BEHIND-THE-SCENES STUFF.
598
00:29:08,204 --> 00:29:11,666
I WOULD RATHER IT WAS ALL JUST
THE MAGIC TRICK AND NONE OF THE
599
00:29:11,749 --> 00:29:12,834
WORKINGS!
600
00:29:12,917 --> 00:29:15,003
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK, BUT WE'LL BE BACK
601
00:29:15,086 --> 00:29:18,840
WITH MORE OF VISION HIMSELF,
PAUL BETTANY.
602
00:29:18,923 --> 00:29:21,176
♪ ♪ ♪
603
00:29:28,433 --> 00:29:37,358
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WE'RE BACK WITH ONE
604
00:29:37,442 --> 00:29:40,195
OF THE STARS OF "WANDAVISION,"
PAUL BETTANY.
605
00:29:40,278 --> 00:29:43,031
OKAY, LET'S GET INTO
"WANDAVISION" ITSELF.
606
00:29:43,114 --> 00:29:45,909
FOR THE-- HOPEFULLY THE PEOPLE
WHO ARE WATCHING THIS HAVE SEEN
607
00:29:45,992 --> 00:29:46,409
"WANDAVISION."
608
00:29:46,493 --> 00:29:47,869
SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE.
609
00:29:47,952 --> 00:29:51,498
TO-- TO TELL THEM THE IDEA,
GENERALLY, IS THAT IT STARTS OFF
610
00:29:51,581 --> 00:29:54,167
JUST LOOK A SITCOM.
611
00:29:54,250 --> 00:29:59,047
THE SERIES STARTS OFF JUST LIKE
A SERIES OF SITCOMS.
612
00:29:59,130 --> 00:30:04,761
IT GOES WITH THE "DICK VAN DYKE"
SHOW STYLE, "BEWITCHED" STYLE,
613
00:30:04,844 --> 00:30:07,013
"BRADY BUNCH," ESSENTIALLY,
"MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE," "MODERN
614
00:30:07,096 --> 00:30:07,847
FAMILY," LIKE THAT.
615
00:30:07,931 --> 00:30:12,435
WHAT WAS IT LIKE NAILING THOSE
STYLES?
616
00:30:12,519 --> 00:30:17,899
BECAUSE THE ENTIRE PRODUCTION,
BUT YOU AS THE ACTORS IN IT ARE
617
00:30:17,982 --> 00:30:21,027
PERFECTLY NAILING IT
STYLISTICALLY, WHICH YOU HAVE TO
618
00:30:21,110 --> 00:30:24,739
IN ORDER FOR THOSE MOMENT
WHERE'S IT BREAKS TO PLAY.
619
00:30:24,822 --> 00:30:25,907
WHAT'S THAT LIKE?
620
00:30:25,990 --> 00:30:31,120
WHAT'S THE-- WHAT'S THE PROCESS
TO GET DICK VAN DYKE DOWN?
621
00:30:31,204 --> 00:30:34,082
>> IT WAS-- IT WAS ACTUALLY
REALLY HUMBLING.
622
00:30:34,165 --> 00:30:39,045
I GREW UP IN THE U.K., AND WE
SAW THE "DICK VAN DYKE SHOW" ON
623
00:30:39,128 --> 00:30:44,592
SATURDAYS AND SUNDAYS AFTER
CHURCH AND BEFORE SPORTS.
624
00:30:44,676 --> 00:30:46,386
AND I-- AND I LOVED THEM.
625
00:30:46,469 --> 00:30:50,348
YOU KNOW, AND I LOVED
"BEWITCHED."
626
00:30:50,431 --> 00:30:54,060
BUT I-- AND SO I KIND OF HAD
THEM IN MID WITH.
627
00:30:54,143 --> 00:30:56,980
AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH, I KNOW WHAT
THESE SHOWS ARE."
628
00:30:57,063 --> 00:31:00,066
AND YOU GO BACK AND YOU WATCH
THEM AND YOU REALIZE THE AMOUNT
629
00:31:00,149 --> 00:31:03,653
OF-- OF DESIGN THAT HAS GONE IN,
FROM THE ACTOR.
630
00:31:03,736 --> 00:31:07,073
I MEAN, DICK VAN DYKE IS A
GENIUS.
631
00:31:07,156 --> 00:31:12,787
I MEAN, TO DO SOMETHING THAT--
THE PRATFALLS, THE-- WHEN HE
632
00:31:12,870 --> 00:31:17,584
DOES THE DRUNK ACTING, IT'S SO
LARGE, BUT IT'S SO WELL
633
00:31:17,667 --> 00:31:18,710
ORGANIZED.
634
00:31:18,793 --> 00:31:23,006
AND I GOT REALLY DAUNTED,
ACTUALLY, THE MORE I GOT INTO
635
00:31:23,089 --> 00:31:24,173
IT.
636
00:31:24,257 --> 00:31:26,968
AND YOU KNOW, STAYING WITH--
IT'S INTERESTING TO WATCH THEM
637
00:31:27,051 --> 00:31:33,933
ALL BACK TO BACK, AND YOU GET
SORT OF BRYAN CRANSTON, AND IT'S
638
00:31:34,017 --> 00:31:34,392
BRILLIANT.
639
00:31:34,475 --> 00:31:35,602
IT'S MUCH COOLER.
640
00:31:35,685 --> 00:31:40,106
YOU DON'T KNOW-- THERE IS A
WARMTH TO DICK VAN DYKE THAT IS
641
00:31:40,189 --> 00:31:47,113
JUST-- IT'S-- IT'S I-- YOU KNOW,
I HAVE NO IDEA HOW HE-- HOW HE
642
00:31:47,196 --> 00:31:48,281
PULLED IT OFF.
643
00:31:48,364 --> 00:31:52,827
I LOOKED AT LIZZIE AND I WENT,
GEEZ, WE'VE GOT TO WORK OUT.
644
00:31:52,910 --> 00:31:56,289
>> Stephen: SURE, AND MARY
TILE MOORE, THOSE AREN'T SMALL
645
00:31:56,372 --> 00:31:57,749
SHOES TO FILL, EITHER.
646
00:31:57,832 --> 00:31:59,667
>> NOT SMALL SHOES TO FILL.
647
00:31:59,751 --> 00:32:02,337
BUT WE ONLY HAD TO DO IT ONCE.
648
00:32:02,420 --> 00:32:05,506
BUT OUR DIRECTOR DID SAY, WE
GOING TO DO IT IN FRONT OF A
649
00:32:05,590 --> 00:32:06,549
LIVE AUDIENCE."
650
00:32:06,633 --> 00:32:07,884
AND I WENT, "I DON'T THINK-- I
DON'T THINK I CAN."
651
00:32:07,967 --> 00:32:13,014
>> Stephen: LAST QUESTION, YOU
SAID THEY TAKE OUT YOUR EARS
652
00:32:13,097 --> 00:32:14,182
DIGITALLY NOW.
653
00:32:14,265 --> 00:32:18,353
I HAVE TO KNOW, AS SOMEONE WHO
IS IN HIS 50s AND YOU'RE ABOUT
654
00:32:18,436 --> 00:32:22,940
TO BE 50, IS THAT REALLY YOUR
CHEST, OR IS THAT DIGITAL
655
00:32:23,024 --> 00:32:23,691
WIZARDRY?
656
00:32:23,775 --> 00:32:26,194
>> THESE ARE VERY GOOD
QUESTIONS.
657
00:32:26,277 --> 00:32:28,029
I'M GOING TO GET VERY SPECIFIC
WITH YOU NOW.
658
00:32:28,112 --> 00:32:29,238
>> Stephen: OH, GOOD.
659
00:32:29,322 --> 00:32:35,370
>> ABOUT 42 INCHES OF IT IS MY
CHEST.
660
00:32:35,453 --> 00:32:36,079
ABOUT EIGHT INCHES JUST ISN'T.
661
00:32:36,162 --> 00:32:39,916
BUT IT'S NOT-- IT'S NOT DIGITAL.
662
00:32:39,999 --> 00:32:42,377
IT'S A SUIT THAT, YOU KNOW, YOU
WEAR.
663
00:32:42,460 --> 00:32:45,505
THEY-- THEY GIVE-- THEY GIVE YOU
A MUSCLE SUIT.
664
00:32:45,588 --> 00:32:46,506
BUT --
>> Stephen: THAT MAKES ME FEEL
665
00:32:46,589 --> 00:32:47,715
SO MUCH BETTER.
666
00:32:47,799 --> 00:32:51,678
YOU JUST MADE ME THE HAPPIEST
MAN, AND I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL MY
667
00:32:51,761 --> 00:32:52,428
WIFE!
668
00:32:52,512 --> 00:32:54,722
>> OKAY, GOOD, YES, IT'S NOT
MINE.
669
00:32:54,806 --> 00:32:59,268
BUT THE INTERESTING THING IS
WHAT YOU DISCOVER IS THAT YOU
670
00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:07,568
CAN'T-- YOU CAN'T JOIN IN THE
SORT OF COVID PANDEMIC BANANA
671
00:33:07,652 --> 00:33:11,739
BREAD EATING FAN AS ITMAGORIA.
672
00:33:11,823 --> 00:33:14,951
BECAUSE WHEN YOU WEAR THE MUSCLE
SUIT AND YOU HAVE A BANANA BREAD
673
00:33:15,034 --> 00:33:17,078
BELLY, IT'S VERY OBVIOUS-- THE
JIG'S UP.
674
00:33:17,161 --> 00:33:20,206
>> Stephen: THEY CAN'T JUST
DIGITALLY TAKE THAT OUT WITH
675
00:33:20,289 --> 00:33:20,665
YOUR EARS?
676
00:33:20,748 --> 00:33:23,042
>> MAYBE THEY CAN!
677
00:33:23,126 --> 00:33:30,925
I MEAN, FOR GOD'S SAKE, MARK
RUFF LOW, YOU COULDN'T PULL HIM
678
00:33:31,008 --> 00:33:33,428
AWAY FROM THE CAST SERVICE
TABLE.
679
00:33:33,511 --> 00:33:34,512
>> Stephen: PAUL, LOVELY TO
SEE YOU AGAIN.
680
00:33:34,595 --> 00:33:40,017
HOPE THE NEXT TIME IT'S IN FRONT
OF AN AUDIENCE AGAIN.
681
00:33:40,101 --> 00:33:42,395
THE "WANDAVISION" FINALE STREAMS
FRIDAY ON DISNEY+.
682
00:33:42,478 --> 00:33:46,482
IT MUST BE REALLY GOOD BECAUSE
THEY WOULDN'T LET ME HAVE A
683
00:33:46,566 --> 00:33:47,066
PRESCREENER.
684
00:33:47,150 --> 00:33:48,109
PAUL BETTANY, EVERYBODY!
685
00:33:48,192 --> 00:33:48,985
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A
PERFORMANCE BY METALLICA.
686
00:33:49,068 --> 00:33:52,822
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
687
00:34:00,830 --> 00:34:06,711
♪♪
688
00:34:07,795 --> 00:34:17,764
♪ ♪ ♪
>> BEFORE WE START TONIGHT, LET
689
00:34:17,847 --> 00:34:18,222
♪ ♪ ♪
>> BEFORE WE START TONIGHT, LET
690
00:34:18,306 --> 00:34:19,474
ME SAY SOMETHING.
691
00:34:19,557 --> 00:34:23,019
OBVIOUSLY, I'M AWARE OF WHAT'S
GOING ON WITH MY BROTHER.
692
00:34:23,102 --> 00:34:26,606
AND, OBVIOUSLY, I CANNOT COVER
IT, BECAUSE HE IS MY BROTHER.
693
00:34:26,689 --> 00:34:28,816
>> THAT'S IT, CHRISIE!
694
00:34:28,900 --> 00:34:29,650
KEEP DODGING!
695
00:34:29,734 --> 00:34:31,486
DON'T LET ANYONE TALK ABOUT YOUR
BROTHER!
696
00:34:31,569 --> 00:34:34,322
EVEN THOUGH THIS BUILDING'S FULL
OF PEOPLE WHO COULD TALK ABOUT
697
00:34:34,405 --> 00:34:35,406
IT!
698
00:34:35,490 --> 00:34:37,033
I'M PRETTY SURE THIS IS THE LAST
ROUND OF THIS, ANYWAY!
699
00:34:37,116 --> 00:34:41,496
LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT ANOTHER ONE
WITH PHOTOS, TOO!
700
00:34:41,579 --> 00:34:42,997
MAYBE RETIRE!
701
00:34:43,080 --> 00:34:44,707
YOUR BRAIN'S A LUMPY CONCUSSED
MESS, ANYWAY!
702
00:34:53,466 --> 00:34:56,886
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.
703
00:34:56,969 --> 00:35:00,348
THEIR ALBUM "MASTER OF PUPPETS"
WAS RELEASED 35 YEARS AGO TODAY
704
00:35:00,431 --> 00:35:02,183
AND HAD SUCH AN IMPACT THAT IT
WAS ADDED TO THE NATIONAL
705
00:35:02,266 --> 00:35:05,186
RECORDING REGISTRY AT THE
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS.
706
00:35:05,269 --> 00:35:12,819
PERFORMING "BATTERY," METALLICA!
707
00:35:12,902 --> 00:35:17,406
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
708
00:35:17,490 --> 00:35:27,667
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
709
00:35:27,750 --> 00:35:33,422
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
710
00:35:33,506 --> 00:35:38,219
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
711
00:35:38,302 --> 00:35:40,221
>> ♪ LASHING OUT THE ACTION,
RETURNING THE REACTION
712
00:35:40,304 --> 00:35:45,017
♪ WEAK ARE RIPPED AND TORN AWAY
HYPNOTIZING POWER, CRUSHING ALL
713
00:35:45,101 --> 00:35:48,938
♪ THAT COWER
BATTERY IS HERE TO STAY
714
00:35:49,021 --> 00:35:50,857
♪ SMASHING THROUGH THE
BOUNDARIES
715
00:35:50,940 --> 00:35:58,406
♪ LUNACY HAS FOUND ME
CANNOT STOP THE BATTERY
716
00:35:58,489 --> 00:36:01,075
♪ POUNDING OUT AGGRESSION
TURNS INTO OBSESSION
717
00:36:01,158 --> 00:36:05,746
♪ CANNOT KILL THE BATTERY
♪ ♪ ♪
718
00:36:05,830 --> 00:36:10,793
CANNOT KILL THE FAMILY
♪ BATTERY IS FOUND IN ME
719
00:36:10,877 --> 00:36:13,087
♪ ♪ ♪
BATTERY
720
00:36:13,170 --> 00:36:17,091
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ BATTERY
721
00:36:17,174 --> 00:36:20,136
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
722
00:36:20,219 --> 00:36:21,220
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ CRUSHING ALL DECEIVERS,
723
00:36:21,304 --> 00:36:25,266
MASHING NON-BELIEVERS
♪ NEVER-ENDING POTENCY
724
00:36:25,349 --> 00:36:29,103
HUNGRY VIOLENCE-SEEKER, FEEDING
♪ OFF THE WEAKER
725
00:36:29,186 --> 00:36:31,480
BREEDING ON INSANITY
♪ SMASHING THROUGH THE
726
00:36:31,564 --> 00:36:32,523
BOUNDARIES
♪ LUNACY HAS FOUND ME
727
00:36:32,607 --> 00:36:41,115
CANNOT STOP THE BATTERY
♪ POUNDING OUT AGGRESSION
728
00:36:41,199 --> 00:36:46,704
TURNS INTO OBSESSION
♪ CANNOT KILL THE BATTERY
729
00:36:46,787 --> 00:36:51,959
CANNOT KILL THE FAMILY
♪ BATTERY IS FOUND IN ME
730
00:36:52,043 --> 00:36:55,129
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ BATTERY
731
00:36:55,212 --> 00:36:58,799
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
732
00:36:58,883 --> 00:37:04,680
BATTERY
♪ ♪ ♪
733
00:37:04,764 --> 00:37:13,147
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
734
00:37:13,230 --> 00:37:20,863
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
735
00:37:20,947 --> 00:37:25,159
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
736
00:37:25,242 --> 00:37:33,000
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
737
00:37:33,084 --> 00:37:36,295
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
738
00:37:36,379 --> 00:37:45,179
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
739
00:37:45,262 --> 00:37:55,231
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
740
00:37:55,314 --> 00:38:04,365
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
741
00:38:04,448 --> 00:38:09,203
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
742
00:38:09,286 --> 00:38:13,207
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
743
00:38:13,290 --> 00:38:16,502
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
744
00:38:16,585 --> 00:38:21,215
♪ CIRCLE OF DESTRUCTION, HAMMER
COMES CRUSHING
745
00:38:21,298 --> 00:38:24,552
♪ POWERHOUSE OF ENERGY
WHIPPING UP A FURY,
746
00:38:24,635 --> 00:38:28,055
♪ DOMINATING FLURRY
WE CREATE THE BATTERY
747
00:38:28,139 --> 00:38:29,223
♪ SMASHING THROUGH THE
BOUNDARIES
748
00:38:29,306 --> 00:38:37,231
♪ LUNACY HAS FOUND ME
CANNOT STOP THE BATTERY
749
00:38:37,315 --> 00:38:41,235
♪ POUNDING OUT AGGRESSION
TURNS INTO OBSESSION
750
00:38:41,318 --> 00:38:44,405
♪ CANNOT KILL THE BATTERY
CANNOT KILL THE FAMILY
751
00:38:44,488 --> 00:38:57,251
♪ BATTERY IS FOUND IN ME
BATTERY
752
00:38:57,335 --> 00:39:04,300
♪ BATTERY
BATTERY
753
00:39:04,383 --> 00:39:10,806
♪ BATTERY
♪ ♪ ♪
754
00:39:10,890 --> 00:39:13,267
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
755
00:39:13,350 --> 00:39:19,648
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
756
00:39:19,732 --> 00:39:22,860
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
757
00:39:22,943 --> 00:39:25,279
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
758
00:39:25,362 --> 00:39:32,745
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: METALLICA,
759
00:39:32,828 --> 00:39:33,245
EVERYBODY!
760
00:39:33,329 --> 00:39:35,831
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
761
00:39:43,422 --> 00:39:48,844
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "A
LATE SHOW."
762
00:39:48,928 --> 00:39:51,305
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS
WILL BE JANE FONDA, AN EXCLUSIVE
763
00:39:51,388 --> 00:39:55,101
INTERVIEW WITH THE ANCHORS OF
"VIRTUE SIGNAL," AND MUSICAL
764
00:39:55,184 --> 00:39:56,143
GUEST, KINGS OF LEON.
765
00:39:56,227 --> 00:39:58,771
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
766
00:39:58,854 --> 00:40:08,823
GOODNIGHT!
767
00:40:08,906 --> 00:40:15,037
GOODNIGHT!
768
00:40:22,920 --> 00:40:24,088
Captioning sponsored by CBS
Captioned by
769
00:40:27,133 --> 00:40:33,681
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org