>> ONE DAY AFTER THE C.D.C.
DIRECTOR WARNED US ABOUT A POTENTIAL FOURTH SURGE IN
CORONAVIRUS CASES, TEXAS IS ROLLING BACK ALL RESTRICTIONS,
THE GOVERNOR ANNOUNCING HE IS ENDING A STATEWIDE MASK MANDATE
AND FULLY REOPENING BUSINESSES AS OF NEXT WEEK.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> WAIT A MINUTE.
GARY ISN'T WEARING A MASK.
>> YEAH, WHERE IS YOUR MASK?
>> GOVERNOR SAYS I DON'T HAVE TO WEAR A MASK.
>> NO, THE GOVERNOR SAID YOU CAN TAKE IT OFF, BUT YOU SHOULDN'T
TAKE IT OFF.
>> WELL, THAT'S A COMPLETELY CONFLICTING MESSAGE.
>> I KNOW.
THAT GUY'S AN IDIOT.
>> OKAY, I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THE GOVERNOR'S A BOOB.
BUT WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS STANDOFF?
>> TELL YOU WHAT, WHY DON'T WE WAIT UNTIL WE'RE ALL VACCINATED
AND KILL EACH OTHER THEN, WHEN IT'S SAFE.
>> SOUNDS GOOD.
>> I CAN'T WAIT TO GET MY SHOT!
( GUNSHOT ) >> I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO
WAIT.
>> OH, I SEE.
MY BAD.
>> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES
PAUL BETTANY AND MUSICAL GUEST, METALLICA
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE oN TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE
BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: WELCOME!
W, ONE AND ALL TO "A LATE SHOW," ESPECIALLY "ALL."
ONE WOULD BE TOO FEW.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS, WE HAVE ALL BEEN UP TO OUR EARLOBES IN COVID
PRECAUTIONS FOR A YEAR.
BUT NOW, THERE'S A NEW CONTAGION SWEEPING THE COUNTRY: AMERICA'S
GOT A BAD CASE OF THE HOPES!
THANKS TO NEW VACCINE AVAILABILITY, WE'RE STARTING TO
SEE THE SYRINGE AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.
THOUGH JOHNSON & JOHNSON HAS A NEW VACCINE, THEY DIDN'T HAVE
THE CAPACITY TO PRODUCE THE VOLUME OF DOSES THAT AMERICA
NEEDED.
SO, THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION CONVINCED RIVAL COMPANY MERCK TO
HELP PRODUCE JOHNSON & JOHNSON'S SINGLE-SHOT CORONAVIRUS VACCINE.
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?
THIS COULD BE THE BEGINNING OF A BOLD NEW ERA OF PHARMACEUTICAL
CROSSOVERS, LIKE DAYQUIL-VIAGRA.
YOU KNOW THEIR SLOGAN: YOUR COLD JUST GOT HOT: GET UP AND
GO!
THIS NEW CAPACITY MEANS, WELL, TELL THEM WHAT IT MEANS, JOE.
>> WE'RE NOW ON TRACK TO HAVE ENOUGH VACCINE SUPPLY FOR EVERY
ADULT IN AMERICA BY THE END OF MAY.
>> Stephen: THAT IS SO MUCH SOONER THAN ANYBODY THOUGHT!
WHEN'S THE LATEST I COULD RECEIVE MY DOSE?
♪ IT'S GONNA BE MAY ♪ >>0SlGENERAL TIMBERLAKE.
#FREE BRITNEY.
PRESIDENT BIDEN IS ALSO MAKING A PUSH TO GET ALL TEACHERS
INOCULATED BY THE END OF MARCH.
SO IF I'M AN EDUCATOR, WHEN'S THE LATEST I COULD RECEIVE MY
DOSE?
♪ IT'S GONNA BE ♪...
>> MARCH.
>> Stephen: IN OTHER GOOD NEWS: DOLLY PARTON.
YOU MAY REMEMBER THAT SHE IS JUST FANTASTIC.
YOU ALSO MAY REMEMBER SHE GAVE A MILLION DOLLARS OF HER OWN MONEY
TO VANDERBILT UNIVERSITY TO HELP DEVELOP THE MODERNA VACCINE.
SO IT WAS THRILLING YESTERDAY TO SEE HER ACCOUNT TWEET
OUT THIS PHOTO OF HER GETTING THE SHOT WITH THE CAPTION "DOLLY
GETS A DOSE OF HER OWN MEDICINE."
A LIFE-SAVING MIRACLE.
AND SHE GOT THE VACCINE!
NOW, FOR EASE OF ON-CAMERA JABBIN', DOLLY WENT THE EXTRA
MILE AND WORE A STYLISH, EASY-NEEDLE-ACCESS, COLD
SHOULDER TOP.
OKAY, VERY COOL, VERY NICE, DOLLY.
BUT I DON'T RECOMMEND TRYING SOMETHING SIMILAR FOR YOUR
COLONOSCOPY.
AND LIKE I EXPECT TO DO WHEN I GET THE VACCINE, DOLLY BURST
INTO SONG.
>> I WANTED TO TELL EVERYBODY THAT YOU SHOULD GET OUT THERE
AND DO IT, TOO.
I EVEN CHANGED ONE OF MY SONGS TO FIT THE OCCASION.
IT GOES...
( TO THE TUNE OF "JOLENE" ) ♪ VACCINE, VACCINE
VACCINE, VACCINE ♪ I'M BEGGING OF YOU
PLEASE DON'T HESITATE ♪ VACCINE, VACCINE
VACCINE, VACCINE ♪ 'CAUSE ONCE YOU'RE DEAD, THEN
THAT'S A BIT TOO LATE ♪ >> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S A
VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE.
AND ALSO DOLLY'S DARKEST TUNE SINCE:
♪ ISLANDS IN THE STREAM ERODING OVER TIME
♪ NOTHING EVER LASTS WE'RE JUST FOOD FOR
♪ WORMS ♪ NOTE WE'RE JUST BAGS OF MEAT ♪
IT KEEPS GOING FROM THERE.
EVEN MORE HOPEFUL-- IT SOUNDS BETTER WHEN KENNY ROGERS IS
SINGING WITH YOU!
EVEN MORE HOPEFUL, IT'S GETTING EASIER TO QUALIFY FOR A VACCINE.
NORTH CAROLINA JUST ANNOUNCED THAT ON MARCH 24, THE STATE WILL
OPEN ELIGIBILITY TO PEOPLE LIVING IN GROUP SETTINGS,
ADDITIONAL FRO 1%9E WORKERS,AND PEOPLE WHO HAVE
100 CIGARETTES.
OF COURSE, NORTH CAROLINA'S A TOBACCO STATE.
IN WISCONSIN, YOU HAVE TO CHUG 100 GALLONS OF MILK.
AND IN DETROIT, YOU HAVE TO EAT 100 CARS.
HEY, REMEMBER HOW THERE WAS AN INSURRECTION BACK IN JANUARY?
CAPITOL POLICE ARE WARNING IT COULD COME BACK, BECAUSE OF A
QANON THEORY CLAIMING THE EX-PRESIDENT WILL RETURN TO
POWER TOMORROW, MARCH 4.
NOW, I'M NO PSYCHOLOGIST, BUT YOU COULD SAY THEY'RE SUFFERING
FROM "MARCH MADNESS."
ALSO, THEY'RE CLINICALLY INSANE.
BUT THERE'S METHOD TO THIS COO-COO.
YOU SEE, Q FOLLOWERS WERE HEARTBROKEN ON INAUGURATION DAY,
WHICH WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE "STORM" CAME THAT KEEPS THEIR
GUY FROM ACTUALLY LEAVING OFFICE.
SO THEY MOVED THE DATE OF THE STORM, WHEN THE ARRESTS ALL OF
THE CELEBRITIES AND DEMOCRATS, TO MARCH 4, WHICH WAS THE DATE
O PRESIDENTIAL INAUGURATIONS UP UNTIL 1933.
( AS QANON PERSON ) YET YES, FOLLOW ME DOWN THE
RABBIT HOLE.
THEY ENDED IT IN 1933.
BUT ADD UP 1-9-3-3, YOU GET 16.
ADD 1 PLUS 6, YOU GET 7.
WHAT IS 7?
3 PLUS 4, 3-4, MARCH 4th, WHEN WE SHALL MARCH FORTH!
( WHISPERS ) I SEE PATTERNS WHERE NONE
EXIST."
BUT THE ENHANCED SECURITY MAY NOT BE NECESSARY, BECAUSE SOME
QANON ADHERENTS ARE NOW "SKEPTICAL AS TO THE ORIGINS OR
VALIDITY OF THE THEORY."
YOU KNOW WHAT?
NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, THIS MARCH 4 THING JUST DOESN'T HAVE
THE SAME RING OF TRUTH AS "TOM HANKS EATS BABIES."
STILL, WHERE THERE'S A WILL, THERE'S A WAY TO CASH IN,
BECAUSE THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S HOTEL IN WASHINGTON, D.C. HAS
BEEN JACKING UP PRICES AROUND MARCH 4.
SOUNDS CYNICAL, BUT THEY ARE OFFERING PREMIUM SERVICES: IF
YOU'RE EXHAUSTED FROM TRAVEL, YOU CAN JUST CALL THE FRONT DESK
AND ASK THE CONCIERGE TO HANG MIKE PENCE.
ULTIMATELY, Q SUPPORTERS ARE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO FACE FACTS
THAT THEIR GUY LOST IN THE HIGHEST VOTER TURNOUT IN U.S.
HISTORY.
REPUBLICANS HAVE ACCEPTED IT.
THEY LOOKED AT VOTER TURNOUT AND REALIZED IT IS TIME TO STOP
VOTER TURNOUT.
THEY'VE ALREADY STARTED WITH A TIDAL WAVE OF ANTI-VOTING
LEGISLATION.
SO FAR, G.O.P. LAWMAKERS HAVE WRITTEN 253 BILLS WITH
PROVISIONS THAT RESTRICT VOTING ACCESS IN 43 STATES, LIKE
GEORGIA, WHERE, FOLLOWING THE G.O.P. LOSING THE PRESIDENTIAL
ELECT AND TWO SENATE SEATS IN A RUN HUFFAV, STATE REPUBLICANS
PASSED A BILL THAT WOULD LIMIT ABSENTEE AND EARLY VOTING.
YOU SEE, DEMOCRATS LIKE EARLY VOTING.
BUT GEORGIA REPUBLICANS WANT YOU TO PICK YOUR CANDIDATES AT THE
VERY LAST MINUTE.
THAT'S WHY THEY KEPT DAVID PERDUE RIGHT BY THE REGISTER.
CITICS SAY THIS BILL DISPROPORTIONATELY AFFECTS
VOTERS OF COLOR, BUT THE BILL'S SPONSOR CLAIMS IT "IS DESIGNED
TO BEGIN TO BRING BACK THE CONFIDENCE OF OUR VOTERS BACK
INTO OUR ELECTORAL SYSTEM."
OKAY, BUT THE REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR, THE REPUBLICAN
SECRETARY OF STATE, AND THE REPUBLICAN VOTING SYSTEMS
MANAGER ALL SAID IT WAS A FAIR ELECTION.
SO THERE'S PLENTY OF CONFIDENCE IN THE ELECTION.
YOU'RE JUST CONFIDENT YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE IT, SO YOU'RE
TILTING THE PLAYING FIELD.
THAT'S LIKE THE N.F.L.
RESTRICTING TOM BRADY TO RESTORE CONFIDENCE IN THE KANSAS CITY
CHIEFS.
AND GEORGIA IS NOT ALONE.
LEGISLATORS IN 18 STATES HAVE INTRODUCED 40 BILLS TO IMPOSE
NEW OR MORE-STRINGENT VOTER I.D.
REQUIREMENTS FOR IN-PERSON OR MAIL VOTING, AND 14 BILLS IN
NINE STATES WOULD MAKE THE "EXCUSE" REQUIREMENT MORE
STRINGENT FOR ABSENTEE VOTING OR ELIMINATE "NO EXCUSE" MAIL
VOTING.
YEAH, IF YOU WANT TO VOTE ABSENTEE, THE G.O.P. DEMANDS
A GOOD EXCUSE, LIKE A NOTE FROM YOUR DOCTOR.
OR YOUR CADDY.
AND THE SUPREME COURT COULD BE ABOUT TO OPEN THE VOTER
SUPPRESSION FLOODGATES.
BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THEY HEARD ORAL ARGUMENTS IN A CASE ABOUT
AN ARIZONA LAW THAT MAKES IT A CRIME FOR CAMPAIGN WORKERS,
COMMUNITY ACTIVISTS, AND MOST OTHER PEOPLE TO COLLECT BALLOTS
FOR DELIVERY TO POLLING PLACES, AND REQUIRES ELECTION OFFICIALS
TO DISCARD BALLOTS CAST AT THE WRONG PRECINCT.
WHEN JUSTICE AMY CONEY BARRETT ASKED THE G.O.P.'S LAWYER WHY
REPUBLICANS CARED ABOUT THAT, HE WAS PRETTY CANDID: "BECAUSE IT
PUTS US AT A COMPETITIVE DISADVANTAGE, RELATIVE TO
DEMOCRATS," ADDING, "POLITICS IS A ZERO-SUM GAME."
YES, IT'S A ZERO-SUM GAME.
THE G.O.P. THINKS DEMOCRATS SHOULD HAVE ZERO VOTES AND THEY
HAVE SOME.
BUT ZERO SUM OR NOT, THE RIGHT TO VOTE IS NOT A GAME,
OTHERWISE, THE GETTYSBURG ADDRESS WOULD HAVE ENDED:
"OF THE PEOPLE, BY THE PEOPLE, FOR THE-- YAHTZEE!"
SO THIS LAWYER ADMITTED REPUBLICANS DON'T REALLY BELIEVE
IN DEMOCRACY.
INSTEAD, THEY BELIEVE IN-- I FORGET, WHAT IS IT?
>> UNLIMITED POWER!
>> Stephen: MITCH McCONNELL'S LOOKING GOOD.
I THINK HE'S HAD SOME WORK DONE.
A LITTLE FRESHEN-UP.
BUT HERE'S THE THING: THE ARIZONA LAW THESE REPUBLICANS
ARE FIGHTING FOR IN THE SUPREME COURT WAS ALREADY IN EFFECT
DURING THE LAST ELECTION, AND THEY LOST ANYWAY.
SO IF REPUBLICANS ARE GOING TO GAME THE SYSTEM AGAINST THE WILL
OF THE PEOPLE, THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET A LITTLE HARSHER.
JUST GO BACK TO POLL TESTS WITH UNANSWERABLE QUESTIONS, LIKE
GUESS HOW MANY JELLYBEANS ARE IN A JAR OR "HOW DO YOU FOLD A
FITTED SHEET?" OR PUT THE POLLING PLACE IN THE
CENTER OF A MAZE AND HAVE IT GUARDED BY A MINOTAUR.
OR TED CRUZ.
EITHER WAY, THERE'S A LOT OF BULLCRAP.
SPEAKING OF GUYS WHO CAN REALLY SHOVEL IT, REMEMBER WHITE HOUSE
PHYSICIAN, CURRENT TEXAS REPRESENTATIVE, AND GUY WHO'S
PRETTY SURE HE HEARD THOSE TEENS MAKING FUN OF HIS HAT, DR. RONNY
JACKSON?
THE DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE INSPECTOR GENERAL JUST RELEASED
A REPORT ON DR. RONNY AND HIS BEHAVIOR DURING HIS TENURE AS
WHITE HOUSE PHYSICIAN, AND THE FINDINGS ARE NOT GOOD.
THE REPORT SAYS THAT JACKSON VIOLATED THE POLICY FOR DRINKING
ALCOHOL WHILE ON A PRESIDENTIAL TRIP, MADE "SEXUAL AND
DENIGRATING" COMMENTS ABOUT A FEMALE SUBORDINATE, AND TOOK
PRESCRIPTION-STRENGTH SLEEPING MEDICATION THAT PROMPTED
CONCERNS ABOUT HIS ABILITY TO PROVIDE PROPER CARE.
IT WAS THE MOST IRRESPONSIBLE STAFFING OF THE WHITE HOUSE
PHYSICIAN SINCE BILL CLINTON APPOINTED AEROSMITH.
THE REPORT FOCUSES ON A PARTICULAR TRIP TO THE
PHILIPPINES, WHERE A WITNESS SAYS AS SOON AS THEY ARRIVED IN
MANILA, JACKSON BEGAN DRINKING IN THE HOTEL LOBBY, THEN GOT
INTO A CAR WITH A DRINK IN HIS HAND "TO GO OUT ON THE TOWN."
ANOTHER WITNESS SAID THEY SAW JACKSON "POUNDING" ON THE DOOR
OF A FEMALE SUBORDINATE'S ROOM.
AND WHEN SHE OPENED THE DOOR, JACKSON SAID, "I NEED YOU.
I NEED YOU TO COME TO MY ROOM."
WOW, THAT IS EITHER EXTREMELY INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR, OR HE
COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO WORK THE HOTEL SHOWER.
"IT'S GOT A KNOB, BUT ALSO A LEVER, AND A BUTTON.
ONE SIDE SAYS 'HOT' AND THE OTHER SAYS 'PRESSURE?'
I JUST WANT TO WASH MY BODY SO I CAN THROW UP ON IT AGAIN."
AND IT GETS GROSSER, BECAUSE A WITNESS SAID THAT JACKSON TOLD
THEM THAT A FEMALE MEDICAL SUBORDINATE, WHO WAS ALSO ON THE
TRIP, HAD "GREAT (BLEEP)," ADDING, "WHAT A NICE (BLEEP)."
IN HIS DEFENSE, THAT'S JUST THE HIPPOCRATIC OATH HE TOOK.
"FIRST, DO NO HARM.
SECOND, TEAR ME OFF A PIECE OF THAT.
THIRD: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" JACKSON DENIED ALL THE
ALLEGATIONS IN THE REPORT, SAYING THAT THEY ARE
"POLITICALLY MOTIVATED" AND THAT THE INSPECTOR GENERAL SIMPLY
"RESURRECTED" OLD ALLEGATIONS.
THAT'S NOT EXACTLY THE AIRTIGHT DEFENSE YOU THINK IT IS.
( AS DEFENDANT ) "YOUR HONOR, I COULDN'T HAVE
COMMITTED THOSE CRIMES.
I'VE BEEN SUSPECTED OF THEM FOR YEARS!"
DR. RONNY WENT ON TO SAY, "I FLAT OUT REJECT ANY ALLEGATION
THAT I CONSUMED ALCOHOL WHILE ON DUTY."
OKAY, SO YOU'RE SAYING YOU WERE SOBER WHEN YOU SAID THIS ABOUT
THE FORMER PRESIDENT: >> SOME PEOPLE HAVE GREAT
GENES.
I TOLD THE PRESIDENT IF HE HAD A HEALTHIER DIET OVER THE LAST 20
YEARS, HE MIGHT LIVE TO BE 200 YEARS OLD, I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, HE HAS INCREDIBLE-- UH, HE HAS INCREDIBLE GENES, I JUST
ASSUME.
>> Stephen: OKAY, TO BE FAIR, HE DOESN'T SOUND DRUNK THERE.
IT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S SMOKIN' CRANK'.
"SOME PEOPLE HAVE GREAT GENES.
I HAVE GREAT GENES.
I COULD PUNCH THROUGH A WALL.
I NEED YOU TO COME TO MY ROOM SO WE CAN START A BAND!
OR A RESTAURANT!
I'M SAD.
LET'S DANCE!" OKAY.
NOW, LET'S GET TO TONIGHT'S BIG STORY.
ON A RECENT FLIGHT THAT WAS HEADED TO QATAR, A STRAY CAT
STOWED AWAY, AND THE CAT APPARENTLY WENT ON A RAMPAGE IN
THE COCKPIT AND WAS SO DISRUPTIVE THAT THE PILOT
ACTUALLY DECIDED TO TURN THE PLANE AROUND AND ABANDON THE
FLIGHT'S SCHEDULED ROUTE.
IT WAS THE MOST DISTURBING APPEARANCE OF A CAT ON THE PLANE
SINCE "CATS!" THE CAT IN QUESTION WAS SAID TO
BE A FERAL FELINE AND LIKELY BOARDED THE PLANE WHILE IT WAS
PARKED IN THE HANGAR OVERNIGHT FOR CLEANING.
WHICH MEANS IT'S TIME TO ELIMINATE THE 737'S
CONTROVERSIAL "KITTY DOOR."
AND IS THIS TRUE?
I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE A RECORDING OF THE FLIGHT
ANNOUNCEMENT.
( HORRIBLE CAT SOUNDS ) ( SHRIEKING AND WAILING )
>> UUHHHH, ATTENTION PASSENGERS, THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN
SPEAKING.
WE ARE CRUISING AT 34,000 FEET, AND THERE IS A CAT CLAWING AT
MY FACE.
YOU MAY EXPERIENCE SOME MILD TURBULENCE AS I STAUNCH THE
BLOOD FLOWING FROM MY CAROTID ARTERY.
IF THERE'S AN AIR MARSHALL ON BOARD, I HOPE YOU HAVE A CAN OF
TUNA.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS PAUL BETTANY.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, CORPORATIONS ARE GETTING THEIR OWN CITIES.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
LET'S SAY HELLO TO MR. JON BATISTE.
HEY, JON, GOOD TOY SOO YOU AGAIN.
MAN, LAST NIGHT, WE'RE STILL HAVING TO COOL DOWN THE BUILDING
FROM YOUR PERFORMANCE ON THE SHOW LAST NIGHT.
THERE WAS STRUCTURAL DAMAGE.
THEY HAD TO BRING IN ENGINEERS TO SEE IF THEY COULD SHORE UP
THE ED SULLIVAN.
>> Jon: YEAH, YOU KNOW, IT WAS FOUR OF ME.
WHEN YOU HAVE FOUR OF ME IT'S A LOT.
>> Stephen: LEGALLY YOU CAN'T HAVE MORE THAN FOUR JON BATISTES
IN ONE LOCATION.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
I GOT FOUR REGISTRATION NUMBERS FOR THAT GIG.
IT WAS BIG.
THE UNION HAD TO COME IN ON THAT, YOU SEE.
>> Stephen: IS THERE ANY MUSIC LEFT IN YOUR BODY TODAY, JON?
YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO FAVOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WITH?
>> Jon: YEAH, ALWAYS A LITTLE TASTE IN THIS.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: YOU HAVE A FINE
WAY TO TREAT A STEINWAY.
MR. JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, JON.
>> Jon: LAY IT ON.
>> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THERE ARE A LOT OF
URGENT CONCERNS FACING AMERICANS RIGHT NOW: WHEN WILL THE
VACCINATION RATE ALLOW US TO REACH HERD IMMUNITY?
HAS SOCIAL MEDIA FLUNG OUR NATION INTO AN EPISTEMOLOGICAL
CRISIS?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY SWAMP-BASED TV SHOWS?
THE ISSUE IS THAT THERE ARE SO MANY BIG ISSUES, THAT SOMETIMES
YOU LOSE SIGHT OF THE LITTLE ISSUES BECAUSE OF SUCH BIG
ISSUES.
AND THAT'S AN ISSUE.
WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY RECURRING SEGMENT, "UH-OH!" WHERE WE
EXAMINE ISSUES THAT, ONCE YOU START THINKING ABOUT, YOU REALLY
WISH YOU COULD STOP THINKING ABOUT.
TONIGHT'S "UH-OH," BIG TECH COMPANIES LOVE TO MAKE PROMISES
IN ORDER TO SUCK UP THOSE SWEET SWEET STATE SUBSIDIES, LIKE THE
PROPOSED WISCONSIN FOXCONN PLANT THAT PROMISED 13,000 JOBS, AND
FOR WHICH "FOXCONN TORE UP A SMALL TOWN," "RAZED HOMES AND
CROPS," AND WAS PROMISED "MORE THAN $4.5 BILLION IN GOVERNMENT
INCENTIVES."
AND TO THIS DAY, THAT PLANT "STILL HASN'T BEEN BUILT."
PLUS, THE FOXCONN C.E.O.
PROMISED 76 TROMBONES!
PLUS, COPPER-BOTTOM TIMPANI IN HORSE PLATOONS AND DOUBLE BELL
EUPHONIUMS AND BIG BASSOONS!
THAT FELLA'S BEEN A RASPBERRY SEED IN MY WISDOM TOOTH
LONG ENOUGH!
PLUS, NOW TECH COMPANIES HAVE REALIZED THERE'S A MAJOR
PROBLEM WITH STRIPPING LOCAL COMMUNITIES FOR THEIR GOLD
FILLINGS AND TAX BASE: THE HASSLE OF HAVING TO LIE FIRST.
BUT THERE'S A SOLUTION TO THE PROBLEM OF ANY PUBLIC
ACCOUNTABILITY, BECAUSE IN ORDER TO ATTRACT JOBS AND INVESTMENT,
"A NEW NEVADA BILL WOULD ALLOW TECH COMPANIES TO CREATE THEIR
OWN GOVERNMENTS," "ESTABLISHING NEW BUSINESS AREAS WHERE THEY
CAN FORM SEPARATE LOCAL GOVERNMENTS," WHICH PROVIDE
SERVICES AND IMPOSE TAXES.
UH-OH.
I, FOR ONE, DO NOT WANT TO LIVE IN THE PRINCIPALITY OF
"GOOGLETOWN."
YOU WON'T BE ALLOWED TO BUY GOOGLEMILK AT THE GOOGLEMART
UNLESS YOU BUY A GOOGLE GLASS!
NO ONE WANTS IT!
STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT GOOGLE HAPPEN!
NOW, ENCOURAGING INNOVATIVE COMPANIES TO COME TO YOUR STATE
IS A GOOD THING, BUT NOT IF THEY REPLACE THE STATE.
AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THIS PROPOSES, WHICH LEADS TO MY
"UH-OH" SUB-SEGMENT: "YIKES!" THESE CORPORATE GOVERNMENTS
WOULDN'T EVEN BE SUBJECT TO LOCAL GOVERNMENT.
THEY WOULD BE CARVED OUT SEPARATELY AS SO-CALLED
"INNOVATION ZONES," AND WOULD BE GIVEN THE SAME AUTHORITY AS
COUNTIES.
YIKES!
WE ALREADY HAVE A WORD FOR MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE WHO HOLD
THE SAME POWER AS GOVERNMENTS: IT'S CALLED "FEUDALISM."
YOU REALLY WANT TO ESTABLISH A SOCIETY BASED ON THE MIDDLE
AGES?
GOOD LUCK, BECAUSE THE HOSPITAL YOU WILL NO LONGER HAVE THE
CORPORATE TAXES TO PAY FOR IS NOW JUST GOING TO BE A BUCKET OF
LEECHES.
SUCKER!
NOW, YOU MAY BE ASKING, CAN ANYONE WHO OWNS A RADIOSHACK
FRANCHISE FOUND THEIR OWN GOVERNMENT IN NEVADA?
THE ANSWER IS NO, BUT THAT'S SOMEHOW LESS COMFORTING,
WHICH LEADS ME TO MY "YIKES!" SUB-SUB-SEGMENT: "GULP!"
ACCORDING TO THE PROPOSED LAW, THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO COULD APPLY
FOR AN "INNOVATION ZONE" WOULD NEED TO HAVE ENOUGH MONEY, ACRES
UPON ACRES OF UNDEVELOPED LAND, AND AN "INNOVATIVE TECHNOLOGY."
GULP!
THOSE ARE THREE CONDITIONS BETTER KNOWN AS THE BOND VILLAIN
COMBO.
AND IT'S HAPPENING AS I SPEAK.
A COMPANY CALLED BLOCKCHAINS L.L.C. HAS ALREADY COMMITTED TO
BUILDING A "SMART CITY" THAT WILL RUN ON ITS TECHNOLOGY.
GULP!
BLOCKCHAIN IS WHAT THEY USE FOR CRYPTOCURRENCY, YOU KNOW, THE
MADE-UP MONEY FOR DRUG LORDS, HIT MEN, AND GUYS ON TINDER WHO
WANT TO EXPLAIN WHAT BLOCKCHAIN IS!
THIS IS A BAD ROAD TO GO DOWN, FOLKS, BECAUSE IF WE START
HANDING OVER OUR INDEPENDENT GOVERNMENT TO THE INTERESTS OF
PRIVATE INDUSTRY JUST FOR JOBS AND INVESTMENT, THE NEXT THING
YOU KNOW, WE'LL BE SPENDING BILLIONS IN PUBLIC FUNDS TO A
LEAGUE THAT PAYS NO TAXES FOR FOOTBALL STADIUMS THAT IT ONLY
USES FOR EIGHT GAMES A YEAR-- WHAT?!!
UH-OH!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STAR OF "WANDAVISION," PAUL BETTANY.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM "THE DA VINCI CODE,"
"MASTER AND COMMANDER," AND AS VISION IN THE MARVEL CINEMATIC
UNIVERSE.
HE NOW STARS IN "WANDAVISION."
>> SO...
>> YES, BUT IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE.
YOU ASKED HER TO DO IT.
>> WHY WOULD I HAVE DONE THAT?
>> TO SAVE THE UNIVERSE.
WELL, HALF OF IT.
>> DID IT WORK?
>> IT DID.
UNTIL THE BAD GUY REWOUND TIME.
THERE ARE A FEW EXTRA STEPS, BUT TO SET UP THE CONTEXT.
>> I CAME BACK AND DIED AGAIN.
>> AND SHE HAD TO WATCH.
OH, MAN, ANOTHER RED LIGHT!
OVERKILL OUT IN THE STICKS HERE, DON'T YOU THINK?
>> YES.
♪ ♪ ♪ I BELIEVE, I THINK, THAT ONE DAY
IS CREATING THESE IMPEDIMENTS TO STOP ME FROM RETURNING HOME.
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW," PAUL BETTANY!
>> Stephen: HI PAUL BETTANY, GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> Stephen: I WANT TO GET TO "WANDAVISION" IN JUST A MINUTE.
I'M OBSESSED.
MY FAMILY AND I WATCH.
WE WATCHED THE "WATCH TOGETHER" FUNCTION ON THE DISNEY+, WHERE
EVERYBODY, WHEREVER YOU ARE, YOU CAN WATCH AT THE SAME TIME, AND
EVERYBODY CAN PAUSE AND GO, "WAIT, WAIT, GO BACK.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
WHAT WAS THAT EASTER EGG?" I WATCHED THE VIDEOS BREAKING
DOWN WHERE THE EASTER EGGS ARE, ALL THE FAN, YOU KNOW, FAN
THEORY VIDEOS.
I'M-- I'M COMPLETELY SWEPT.
IT'S THE ONLY THING PULLING ME THROUGH THE VERY END OF COVID
RIGHT NOW.
I CAN SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, AND YOU'RE--
YOU'RE MY CYBIL TAKING ME THROUGH THE DARK CAVES.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE, AND THANK YOU FOR DOING THE SHOW.
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I FEEL LIKE-- I NOW FEEL SO MUCH PRESSURE ABOUT THE LAST EPISODE.
>> Stephen: YEAH, YOU SHOULD.
YOU SHOULD.
BEFORE WE GET TO THAT, THOUGH, ARE YOU ABOUT TO OR DID YOU JUST
TURN 50?
>> NO, I'M ABOUT-- I'M ABOUT TO TURN-- I'M ABOUT TO TURN 50,
YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND NOW, HOW LONG BEFORE YOU TURN 50?
DO YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT A SHOT AT CELEBRATING, LIKE, WITH AN
ACTUAL PARTY?
IT'S A BIG MILESTONE.
>> I GUESS IT'S-- I GUESS IT'S MAY 27.
>> Stephen: COULD BE.
>> I COULD GET THERE, I SUPPOSE.
I WAS-- I WAS QUITE ANXIOUS ABOUT IT, BUT THAT WAS LAST
YEAR, BECAUSE THE, YOU KNOW, LIFE PREPARES YOU FOR THESE
MOMENTS BY GIVING YOU SENIOR MOMENTS.
AND I THOUGHT I WAS TURNING 50 LAST YEAR.
LAUGH AND THEN I REALIZED I WASN'T, SO I ACTUALLY HAVE AN
EXTRA YEAR OF LIFE, WHICH IS GREAT!
>> Stephen: 49 IS A LITTLE YOUNG FOR A SENIOR MOMENT.
>> I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, MAYBE I WAS BURNING A CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS.
I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: TOM HANKS TOLD A STORY ABOUT█ç YOU ON THE "GRAHAM
NORTON SHOW" ABOUT WHEN YOU WERE THE ALBINO ASSASSIN ON "THE DA
VINCI CODE."
DO YOU THINK THE STORY I'M TALKING ABOUT?
AND THAT YOU PUNCHED HIM IN THE STOMACH AND--
>> HE TOLD THE STORY OF ME MAKING HIM FART?
>> Stephen: I WANT TO KNOW IF THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
DID THIS REALLY HAPPEN?
>> YES, IT REALLY HAPPENED!
>> Stephen: PLEASE TELL THE PEOPLE-- TOM WAS FINE WITH
TELLING IT.
SO PLEASE, I WANT YOUR-- WAS THIS YOUR FIRST MOVIE?
>> IT WAS NOT MY FIRST MOVIE, BUT IT WAS MY FIRST SCENE WITH
TOM HANKS, THE BIGGEST MOVIE STAR IN THE WORLD.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> AND I WAS VERY NERVOUS.
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S TOLD THIS STORY.
BUT NOW, LIKE THE SHACKLES ARE OFF.
YOU KNOW, I CAN-- I CAN TELL IT.
AND SO I-- I HAD TO GRAB HIM, AND I HAD TO PUNCH HIM IN THE
STOMACH.
AND IT'S VERY QUIET ON THE SET, RIGHT, BECAUSE THE SOUND AND
WHATEVER.
BUT IT'S ALWAYS MORE QUIET WHEN THERE'S A STUNT GOING ON BECAUSE
YOU'RE WORRIED SOMEBODY'S GOING TO GET HURT, SO EVERYBODY IS
LISTENING.
AND I PUNCHED HIM IN THE STOMACH, AND HE-- AND HE FARTED
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LOUDLY EYE MEAN, BUT REALLY LOUDLY.
AND I-- I CAN'T-- I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE FORM WAS.
LIKE, WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THE BIGGEST MOVIE STAR IN THE WORLD
FARTS?
AND I KIND OF LOOKED AT HIM AND SAID, "WELL."
AND HE SAID, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!
YOU JUST MADE ME FART."
I NEVER-- I NEVER REACHED THOSE HEIGHTS AGAIN.
>> Stephen: LET ME ASK YOU THIS: BECAUSE IT'S TOM HANKS WAS
THE FART REALLY RELATABLE.
>> IT'S AN EVERMAN FART.
>> Stephen: YOU'VE BEEN A BIG STAR FOR A LONG TIME NOW.
DO YOU REMEMBER THOSE EARLY, REALLY HARD AUDITIONS?
BECAUSE I-- I'M NO LONGER LIKE AN ACTOR, BUT I DID A MILLION OF
THEM MYSELF, AND THEY CAN BE ABSOLUTELY-- THE STRESS IS
CRUSHING.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AND THEN SOMETIMES THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE TERRIBLE.
DO YOU REMEMBER PARTICULARLY HARD AUDITIONS WHEN YOU WERE A
YOUNG ACTOR?
>> YES, I DO.
AND THEY WERE ALL AWFUL.
AND I'M DYSLEXIC, SO I WORK REALLY HARD ON THEM.
AND THEN SOMETIMES, PEOPLE LIKE ROBERT DeNIRO, WOULD, LIKE,
MESS YOU AROUND AND THEY WOULD SAY, "HEY, COME AND AUDITION."
AND YOU WOULD PREPARE, AND THEN-- AND THEN THEY'D PUSH OFF
THE AUDITION DATE.
BUT I ALSO-- I HAD A BABY, AND SO I WAS GETTING, LIKE, MY WIFE
WAS WORKING.
>> Stephen: JENNIFER CONNOLLY.
>> YEAH, AND I WAS GETTING, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE TO COME IN AND LOOK
AFTER THE KID WHILE I WENT TO DO THE AUDITION.
AND THEN HE WOULD, AT THE LAST MINUTE, HE WOULD-- HE WOULD
RESCHEDULE.
SO FINALLY WHAT I DID WAS I JUST WORE MY BABY, AND I SHOWED UP.
>> Stephen: HOW DID IT GO?
>> NOT VERY WELL.
( LAUGHTER ) HE GAVE THE JOB TO MATT DAMON,
AND I GUESS MATT DAMON EYE SAW THE FILM.
HE PLAYED IT WITHOUT A BABY, WHICH I THOUGHT WAS WEIRD.
>> Stephen: IT'S AN EASY CHOICE.
IT'S A LAZY CHOICE, REALLY.
>> REALLY LAZY CHOICE.
>> Stephen: I WANT TO TALK ABOUT JARVIS AND VISION, WHEN
YOU FIRST, LIKE SAW WHAT VISION NEEDED TO LOOK LIKE, WERE YOU
SAYING TO YOURSELF, "GOD, GOD, PLEASE LET ME HAVE A GOOD BALD
HEAD?" BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO HAVE A
REALLY GOOD-SHAPED HEAD, LIKE A REALLY NICE, SYMMETRICAL HEAD.
DID YOU HAVE ANY DOUBTS THAT YOU COULD PULL OFF THE UNIFORM?
>> YES, I DID.
I THOUGHT THEY MIGHT HELP ME OUT WITH C.G., BUT IT TURNED OUT MY
BALT HEAD IS MY BEST FEATURE.
I'M LOOKING TO MY DOTAGE WITH, YOU KNOW, A LITTLE-- A LITTLE
OPTIMISM.
>> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT THE EARS?
BECAUSE THEY'RE COVERED UP.
I HATE PEOPLE TOUCHING MY EARS.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE CUPS?
>> THAT'S SWEET OF YOU-- I WAS SAYING THIS TO YOUR PRODUCER.
I WAS SAYING THAT'S SO THOUGHTFUL OF HIM BECAUSE IT WAS
REALLY, REALLY PAINFUL.
IT'S FUN.
THEY'RE CLHSED OFF AND IT'S FINE.
AND THEN AFTER DAY TWO, IT BEGINS TO REALLY HURT.
SO THEN THEY MADE-- AND YOU CAN'T HEAR ANYBODY, WHICH IS
GREAT IF YOU'VE GOT, LIKE, A TERRIBLE DIRECTOR OR WHATEVER,
AND YOU JUST -- >> Stephen: SURE SURE, YEAH.
>> BUT THEN THEY POPPED OFF, AND NOW THEY JUST-- THEY JUST LEAVE
THEM OUT, AND THEY TAKE THEM OUT DIGITALLY.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE KIDDING.
SO IF I SAW YOU ON SET IT WOULD BE ALL VISION BUT THEN JUST...
>> THESE THINGS ARE HERE LIKE THIS, AND THEY SPEND LOTS AND
LOTS OF MONEY TAKING THESE OUT.
>> Stephen: NOW, EVERYBODY IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE, OBVIOUSLY
ALL THE ACTORS, HAVE TO, LIKE, BASICALLY HAVE A SPOILER LOCK
BOX OVER THEIR MOUTH.
THEY CAN'T EVER GIVE ANYTHING AWAY.
I'M NOT GOING TO TRY TO, LIKE, MINE YOU FOR INFORMATION.
WHAT I WANT TO KNOW, IS THE SAME QUESTION I ASKED ROBERT DOWNEY
JR., ARE YOU GOOD AT KEEPING SECRETS?
>> I'M KIND OF-- I'M KIND OF GIFTED AT THAT, YES.
IT'S-- IT'S IT'S A STRONG SUIT OF MINE.
MY DAD WAS-- I COME FROM A THEATRICAL FAMILY.
MY DAD WAS ALWAYS LIKE, "YOU NEVER LET THE AUDIENCE SEE YOU
IN YOUR COSTUME AND YOUR MAKEUP BEFORE THE CURTAIN OPENS."
SO I SORT OF HAD THAT THING IN-- I DON'T WANT TO KNOW HOW THE
MAGIC TRICK IS DONE.
I DON'T LIKE DEG E.P.K., AND I DON'T LIKE EYE DON'T LIKE ANY OF
THAT BEHIND-THE-SCENES STUFF.
I WOULD RATHER IT WAS ALL JUST THE MAGIC TRICK AND NONE OF THE
WORKINGS!
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT WE'LL BE BACK
WITH MORE OF VISION HIMSELF, PAUL BETTANY.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WE'RE BACK WITH ONE
OF THE STARS OF "WANDAVISION," PAUL BETTANY.
OKAY, LET'S GET INTO "WANDAVISION" ITSELF.
FOR THE-- HOPEFULLY THE PEOPLE WHO ARE WATCHING THIS HAVE SEEN
"WANDAVISION."
SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE.
TO-- TO TELL THEM THE IDEA, GENERALLY, IS THAT IT STARTS OFF
JUST LOOK A SITCOM.
THE SERIES STARTS OFF JUST LIKE A SERIES OF SITCOMS.
IT GOES WITH THE "DICK VAN DYKE" SHOW STYLE, "BEWITCHED" STYLE,
"BRADY BUNCH," ESSENTIALLY, "MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE," "MODERN
FAMILY," LIKE THAT.
WHAT WAS IT LIKE NAILING THOSE STYLES?
BECAUSE THE ENTIRE PRODUCTION, BUT YOU AS THE ACTORS IN IT ARE
PERFECTLY NAILING IT STYLISTICALLY, WHICH YOU HAVE TO
IN ORDER FOR THOSE MOMENT WHERE'S IT BREAKS TO PLAY.
WHAT'S THAT LIKE?
WHAT'S THE-- WHAT'S THE PROCESS TO GET DICK VAN DYKE DOWN?
>> IT WAS-- IT WAS ACTUALLY REALLY HUMBLING.
I GREW UP IN THE U.K., AND WE SAW THE "DICK VAN DYKE SHOW" ON
SATURDAYS AND SUNDAYS AFTER CHURCH AND BEFORE SPORTS.
AND I-- AND I LOVED THEM.
YOU KNOW, AND I LOVED "BEWITCHED."
BUT I-- AND SO I KIND OF HAD THEM IN MID WITH.
AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH, I KNOW WHAT THESE SHOWS ARE."
AND YOU GO BACK AND YOU WATCH THEM AND YOU REALIZE THE AMOUNT
OF-- OF DESIGN THAT HAS GONE IN, FROM THE ACTOR.
I MEAN, DICK VAN DYKE IS A GENIUS.
I MEAN, TO DO SOMETHING THAT-- THE PRATFALLS, THE-- WHEN HE
DOES THE DRUNK ACTING, IT'S SO LARGE, BUT IT'S SO WELL
ORGANIZED.
AND I GOT REALLY DAUNTED, ACTUALLY, THE MORE I GOT INTO
IT.
AND YOU KNOW, STAYING WITH-- IT'S INTERESTING TO WATCH THEM
ALL BACK TO BACK, AND YOU GET SORT OF BRYAN CRANSTON, AND IT'S
BRILLIANT.
IT'S MUCH COOLER.
YOU DON'T KNOW-- THERE IS A WARMTH TO DICK VAN DYKE THAT IS
JUST-- IT'S-- IT'S I-- YOU KNOW, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW HE-- HOW HE
PULLED IT OFF.
I LOOKED AT LIZZIE AND I WENT, GEEZ, WE'VE GOT TO WORK OUT.
>> Stephen: SURE, AND MARY TILE MOORE, THOSE AREN'T SMALL
SHOES TO FILL, EITHER.
>> NOT SMALL SHOES TO FILL.
BUT WE ONLY HAD TO DO IT ONCE.
BUT OUR DIRECTOR DID SAY, WE GOING TO DO IT IN FRONT OF A
LIVE AUDIENCE."
AND I WENT, "I DON'T THINK-- I DON'T THINK I CAN."
>> Stephen: LAST QUESTION, YOU SAID THEY TAKE OUT YOUR EARS
DIGITALLY NOW.
I HAVE TO KNOW, AS SOMEONE WHO IS IN HIS 50s AND YOU'RE ABOUT
TO BE 50, IS THAT REALLY YOUR CHEST, OR IS THAT DIGITAL
WIZARDRY?
>> THESE ARE VERY GOOD QUESTIONS.
I'M GOING TO GET VERY SPECIFIC WITH YOU NOW.
>> Stephen: OH, GOOD.
>> ABOUT 42 INCHES OF IT IS MY CHEST.
ABOUT EIGHT INCHES JUST ISN'T.
BUT IT'S NOT-- IT'S NOT DIGITAL.
IT'S A SUIT THAT, YOU KNOW, YOU WEAR.
THEY-- THEY GIVE-- THEY GIVE YOU A MUSCLE SUIT.
BUT -- >> Stephen: THAT MAKES ME FEEL
SO MUCH BETTER.
YOU JUST MADE ME THE HAPPIEST MAN, AND I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL MY
WIFE!
>> OKAY, GOOD, YES, IT'S NOT MINE.
BUT THE INTERESTING THING IS WHAT YOU DISCOVER IS THAT YOU
CAN'T-- YOU CAN'T JOIN IN THE SORT OF COVID PANDEMIC BANANA
BREAD EATING FAN AS ITMAGORIA.
BECAUSE WHEN YOU WEAR THE MUSCLE SUIT AND YOU HAVE A BANANA BREAD
BELLY, IT'S VERY OBVIOUS-- THE JIG'S UP.
>> Stephen: THEY CAN'T JUST DIGITALLY TAKE THAT OUT WITH
YOUR EARS?
>> MAYBE THEY CAN!
I MEAN, FOR GOD'S SAKE, MARK RUFF LOW, YOU COULDN'T PULL HIM
AWAY FROM THE CAST SERVICE TABLE.
>> Stephen: PAUL, LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
HOPE THE NEXT TIME IT'S IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE AGAIN.
THE "WANDAVISION" FINALE STREAMS FRIDAY ON DISNEY+.
IT MUST BE REALLY GOOD BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T LET ME HAVE A
PRESCREENER.
PAUL BETTANY, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY METALLICA.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪♪
♪ ♪ ♪ >> BEFORE WE START TONIGHT, LET
ME SAY SOMETHING.
OBVIOUSLY, I'M AWARE OF WHAT'S GOING ON WITH MY BROTHER.
AND, OBVIOUSLY, I CANNOT COVER IT, BECAUSE HE IS MY BROTHER.
>> THAT'S IT, CHRISIE!
KEEP DODGING!
DON'T LET ANYONE TALK ABOUT YOUR BROTHER!
EVEN THOUGH THIS BUILDING'S FULL OF PEOPLE WHO COULD TALK ABOUT
IT!
I'M PRETTY SURE THIS IS THE LAST ROUND OF THIS, ANYWAY!
LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT ANOTHER ONE WITH PHOTOS, TOO!
MAYBE RETIRE!
YOUR BRAIN'S A LUMPY CONCUSSED MESS, ANYWAY!
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.
THEIR ALBUM "MASTER OF PUPPETS" WAS RELEASED 35 YEARS AGO TODAY
AND HAD SUCH AN IMPACT THAT IT WAS ADDED TO THE NATIONAL
RECORDING REGISTRY AT THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS.
PERFORMING "BATTERY," METALLICA!
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
>> ♪ LASHING OUT THE ACTION, RETURNING THE REACTION
♪ WEAK ARE RIPPED AND TORN AWAY HYPNOTIZING POWER, CRUSHING ALL
♪ THAT COWER BATTERY IS HERE TO STAY
♪ SMASHING THROUGH THE BOUNDARIES
♪ LUNACY HAS FOUND ME CANNOT STOP THE BATTERY
♪ POUNDING OUT AGGRESSION TURNS INTO OBSESSION
♪ CANNOT KILL THE BATTERY ♪ ♪ ♪
CANNOT KILL THE FAMILY ♪ BATTERY IS FOUND IN ME
♪ ♪ ♪ BATTERY
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ BATTERY
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ CRUSHING ALL DECEIVERS,
MASHING NON-BELIEVERS ♪ NEVER-ENDING POTENCY
HUNGRY VIOLENCE-SEEKER, FEEDING ♪ OFF THE WEAKER
BREEDING ON INSANITY ♪ SMASHING THROUGH THE
BOUNDARIES ♪ LUNACY HAS FOUND ME
CANNOT STOP THE BATTERY ♪ POUNDING OUT AGGRESSION
TURNS INTO OBSESSION ♪ CANNOT KILL THE BATTERY
CANNOT KILL THE FAMILY ♪ BATTERY IS FOUND IN ME
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ BATTERY
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
BATTERY ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ CIRCLE OF DESTRUCTION, HAMMER COMES CRUSHING
♪ POWERHOUSE OF ENERGY WHIPPING UP A FURY,
♪ DOMINATING FLURRY WE CREATE THE BATTERY
♪ SMASHING THROUGH THE BOUNDARIES
♪ LUNACY HAS FOUND ME CANNOT STOP THE BATTERY
♪ POUNDING OUT AGGRESSION TURNS INTO OBSESSION
♪ CANNOT KILL THE BATTERY CANNOT KILL THE FAMILY
♪ BATTERY IS FOUND IN ME BATTERY
♪ BATTERY BATTERY
♪ BATTERY ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: METALLICA,
EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "A LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE JANE FONDA, AN EXCLUSIVE
INTERVIEW WITH THE ANCHORS OF "VIRTUE SIGNAL," AND MUSICAL
GUEST, KINGS OF LEON.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOODNIGHT!
Captioning sponsored by CBS Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org