OGETHER TO ENCOURAGE AMERICANS TO GET VACCINATED, BUT ONE IS
MISSING FROM THE NEW AD.
>> THIS VACCINE MEANS HOPE.
IT WILL PROTECT YOU AND THOSE YOU LOVE FROM THIS DANGEROUS AND
DEADLY DISEASE.
>> THIS IS GOING TO GO AWAY WITHOUT A VACCINE.
>> I WANT TO GO BACK TO WORK.
TO VISIT WITH MICHELLE'S MOM.
I WANT -- CHOCOLATE CAKE.
WE'VE SUFFERED ENOUGH DAMAGE.
PEOPLE ARE FLUSHING TOILETS TEN TIMES, 15 TIMES.
>> SO WE URGE YOU TO GET VACCINATED WHEN IT'S AVAILABLE
TO YOU.
>> SO ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVE AND DO YOUR PART.
>> THIS IS OUR SHOT.
NOW IT'S UP TO YOU.
THE VACCINE WAS TESTED ON MY SON ERIC.
>> ANNOUNCER: IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.
TONIGHT: WHO KNEW?
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: AARON PAUL,
MUSICAL PERFORMANCE BY LAKE STREET DIVE.
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN."
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE
BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
yes, I am wearing my springtime greys, because check your
calendar -- IF YOU'RE UNFAMILIAR WITH THAT
TERM, IT'S A LIST OF THE MONTHS THAT USED TO MARK THE PASSAGE OF
TIME.
AND TODAY MARKS ONE YEAR SINCE THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION
DECLARED COVID-19 A PANDEMIC.
PRIOR TO THAT, IT WAS ACTUALLY CATEGORIZED AS A LEGUME.
I THINK WE ALL REMEMBER WHERE WE WERE WHEN WE HEARD THE NEWS,
BECAUSE WE'RE ALL STILL THERE.
OF COURSE, IT'S ALSO THE ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE FIRST
TIME I LYSOL-ED A BANANA.
BUT NOT THE LAST.
NONE OF US IMAGINED THAT THIS WOULD ALL STILL BE GOING ON A
YEAR LATER.
CASE IN POINT-- I THOUGHT I WAS PESSIMISTIC WHEN I SAID THIS IN
THE FIRST SHOW WE DID AFTER LEAVING THE THEATER:
PEOPLE ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY HAVE HUNKERED DOWN IN THEIR
HOMES TO RIDE OUT THE CORONAVIRUS.
THE C.D.C. IS SAYING THIS COULD GO ON FOR THE NEXT EIGHT WEEKS.
SO, GET COMFORTABLE.
oh, Stephen, now naive you were.
FIRST, IT WAS GOING TO BE EIGHT WEEKS.
THEN EASTER.
THEN MEMORIAL DAY.
THEN FOURTH OF JULY.
IT'S WORSE THAN WAITING FOR THE CABLE GUY.
THE C.D.C. SHOULD HAVE JUST ISSUED A STATEMENT, "YOUR
PANDEMIC WILL END SHORTLY.
PLEASE BE HOME BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 8:00 A.M. AND THREE YEARS
FROM NOW."
TOMORROW NIGHT, IN HONOR OF OUR YEAR IN CAPTIVITY, WE'RE
PRESENTING "A LATE SHOW'S QUARANNIVERSARY SPECIAL: THE
YEAR THAT TOOK 100 YEARS BUT WAS ALSO SOMEHOW ONE LONG DAY."
I'LL BE TAKING A LOOK BACK AT THE PANDEMIC, WITH MY GUEST
DR. ANTHONY FAUCI.
AND THE FAUCETTES.
I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE COMMEMORATING THE PANDEMIC
ANNIVERSARY.
TONIGHT, PRESIDENT BIDEN TRIED TO STEAL MY THUNDER BY GIVING
HIS FIRST PRIME-TIME ADDRESS SINCE TAKING OFFICE.
NOW, I HAVEN'T SEEN THE SPEECH YET, BECAUSE WE TAPED THIS
BEFORE NOW.
BUT APPARENTLY THE BIG BOMBSHELL IS THAT THE PRESIDENT WANTS ALL
ADULT AMERICANS TO BE ELIGIBLE FOR THE VACCINE NO LATER THAN
MAY 1.
I JUST WANT TO SAY-- AND I MEAN THIS IN THE MOST HOPEFUL WAY
POSSIBLE-- MAY DAY!
MAY DAY!
BIDEN IS LOOKING BEYOND MAY BECAUSE HE'S ALSO EXPECTED TO
SAY, "TOGETHER, WE CAN ALL CELEBRATE A MORE NORMAL FOURTH
OF JULY WITH FAMILIES AND FRIENDS."
YES!
FINALLY, WE CAN ONCE AGAIN GATHER ON THE FOURTH OF JULY TO
SAFELY BLOW OUR FINGERS OFF!
IT REMINDS ME OF THAT FAMOUS SCENE IN INDEPENDENCE DAY.
>> WE WILL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT!
WE WILL NOT VANISH WITHOUT A FIGHT!
WE'RE GOING TO LIVE ON!
WE'RE GOING TO SURVIVE!
TODAY... WE GET A HAIRCUT!
>> Stephen: TO GIVE OUT ALL OF THESE SHOTS, BIDEN IS EXPECTED
TO ANNOUNCE THAT DENTISTS AND VETERINARIANS WILL BE ABLE TO
ADMINISTER THE VACCINE NOW.
THAT'S RIGHT, VETERINARIANS.
THEY'LL HAVE THE PFIZER, THE JOHNSON & JOHNSON, THE MODERNA,
THE WHITE HOUSE SAID THE SPEECH WOULD BE ROUGHLY 18 MINUTES.
THAT'S PRETTY PRECISE FOR A "ROUGHLY."
WHY NOT JUST SAY "20 MINUTES?" AMERICANS CAN HANDLE AN EXTRA
TWO MINUTES.
WE'RE IN FRONT OF THE TV ANYWAY.
WE LIVE THERE NOW.
BUT I SUPPOSE IT'S EASY TO BE THAT PRECISE WHEN YOU KNOW THE
PRESIDENT IS ACTUALLY GOING TO READ THE SCRIPT AND NOT GO ON
TANGENTS ABOUT HOW HARD IT IS TO USE A LOW-FLO TOILET ON A SEX
BOAT.
AIDES SAID THAT THE SPEECH WOULD PAY TRIBUTE TO THE SACRIFICES
AMERICANS HAVE MADE DURING THE PANDEMIC, WHILE PREVIEWING A
COMING RETURN TO SOME SENSE OF NORMALCY.
SOUNDS NICE, BUT WHAT THE HELL CONSTITUTES NORMALCY?
EVEN BEFORE COVID, THERE WAS SYSTEMIC RACISM, GLOBAL WARMING,
HALF OF US HEARD "YANNI," HALF OF US HEARD "LAUREL"!
THIS WORLD IS CHAOS!
OUR NEW PRESIDENT IS DOING ALL HE CAN TO GET VACCINES INTO AS
MANY ARMS AS POSSIBLE.
AND HE'S GETTING HELP FROM HIS PREDECESSORS WITH THIS NEW
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.
>> RIGHT NOW, THE COVID-19 VACCINES ARE AVAILABLE TO
MILLIONS OF AMERICANS.
AND SOON, THEY WILL BE AVAILABLE TO EVERYONE.
>> THIS VACCINE MEANS HOPE.
IT WILL PROTECT YOU AND THOSE YOU LOVE FROM THIS DANGEROUS AND
DEADLY DISEASE.
>> I WANT TO GO BACK TO WORK AND I WANT TO BE ABLE TO MOVE
AROUND.
>> TO VISIT WITH MICHELLE'S MOM.
TO HUG HER, SEE HER ON HER BIRTHDAY.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IS GOING TO
OPENING DAY IN TEXAS RANGERS STADIUM WITH A FULL STADIUM.
>> Stephen: THAT'S REALLY LOVELY.
I THINK IT'S GREAT THE FORMER PRESIDENTS CAN COME
OUT AND DO THAT AD, BUT KIND OF AN INTERESTING CHOICE FOR "W."
"YOU LOSERS.
WHO CARES ABOUT WORK OR HUGGING YOUR MOTHER?
I WANT TO GO TO THE BALLGAME, SO I CAN GET A COMPLIMENTARY
CHILD-SIZE COWBOY HAT FILLED WITH ICE CREAM AND HOT FUDGE.
FIRST, YOU EAT THE ICE CREAM OUT OF THE COWBOY HAT AND YOU GET TO
TAKE THE COWBOY HAT HOME.
THEN I'LL PUT MY LITTLE COWBOY HAT ON A BOBBLE-HEAD THAT WILL
ACT AS A SCARECROW TO FRIGHTEN OFF MICE WHO TRY TO EAT THE
REMAINING HOT FUDGE FROM MY COWBOY HAT.
IF I'M AMONG THE FIRST 15,000 IN THE STADIUM, I'LL ALSO GET A
MINIATURE SOUVENIR LOUISVILLE SLUGGER THAT I CAN BOP THE MICE
ON THE HEADS WITH.
IT'S A W.M.D.: WEAPON OF MOUSE DESTRUCTION."
BOP BOP!
BOP BOP! I'VE WORKED ON THAT IMPRESSION FOR YEARS.
BUT THERE'S SOMEONE WE'RE NOT MISSING FROM THIS P.S.A.
BECAUSE THE AD FEATURES GEORGE W. BUSH, BARACK OBAMA, BILL
CLINTON, EVEN JIMMY CARTER.
BUT THERE'S NO SIGN OF THE LAST GUY.
MAYBE HIS INVITE GOT LOST IN THE MAIL.
BECAUSE HE DESTROYED THE POSTAL SERVICE.
OL' 45 WAS LEFT OUT OF THE POTUS P.S.A. PARTY, BUT HE DID PUT OUT
HIS OWN STATEMENT ABOUT THE VACCINE.
"I HOPE THAT EVERYONE REMEMBERS WHEN THEY'RE GETTING THE
COVID-19-- OFTEN REFERRED TO AS THE CHINA VIRUS-- VACCINE, THAT
IF I WASN'T PRESIDENT, YOU WOULDN'T BE GETTING THAT
BEAUTIFUL SHOT FOR FIVE YEARS, AT BEST, AND PROBABLY WOULDN'T
BE GETTING IT AT ALL.
I HOPE EVERYONE REMEMBERS!" FIRST OF ALL, UNBELIEVABLY SAD.
SECOND, ALSO PATHETIC.
THIRD, HOW DID WE EVEN FIND OUT ABOUT THIS?
HE CAN'T TWEET THIS STUFF!
DID HE JUST PRINT IT OUT AND STAPLE IT TO TELEPHONE POLES
AROUND PALM BEACH?
HE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE JUST RELEASED "EX-PREZ WILL TAKE
CREDIT... AND TEACH YOU GUITAR!" WE BANNED HIM FROM TWITTER.
CAN WE BAN HIM FROM PAPER?
IS THAT POSSIBLE?
ONE CHINESE ENTREPRENEUR IS DOING EVERYTHING HE CAN TO MAKE
SURE THE WORLD NEVER FORGETS OUR FORMER PRESIDENT.
BECAUSE HE'S SELLING A STATUE OF HIM POSED LIKE THE BUDDHA.
NOW, YOU MIGHT SAY HE'S NOTHING LIKE BUDDHA, BUT AFTER FOUR
YEARS, HE DID CONVINCE ME THAT LIFE IS SUFFERING.
THE STATUE DEPICTS THE FORMER PRESIDENT, HANDS FOLDED IN HIS
LAP, THUMBS POINTING OUTWARDS, A POSE FROM BUDDHIST ART THAT
SIGNIFIES MEDITATION AND CONTEMPLATION.
WHILE IN REAL LIFE, IT'S A POSE THAT SIGNIFIES, HE'S GOT HIS
HANDS NEAR HIS CROTCH, GET OUT OF THERE!
ONE THING THE SCULPTOR DID GET RIGHT IS THE ATTIRE.
OUR FORMER PRESIDENT IS FAMOUS FOR HOW GOOD HE LOOKS IN A ROBE.
TODAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN SIGNED HIS COVID RELIEF BILL THAT GIVES
MILLIONS OF AMERICANS $1,400 CHECKS, AND ACCORDING TO WHITE
HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY JEN PSAKI, PEOPLE COULD START SEEING THAT
SWEET CASH VERY SOON.
>> SINCE THE TREASURY DEPARTMENT-- THE DEPARTMENT OF
TREASURY, AND THE I.R.S. ARE WORKING HARD TO GET RELIEF
PAYMENTS OUT THE DOOR AS FAST AS POSSIBLE TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE,
PEOPLE CAN EXPECT TO START SEEING DIRECT DEPOSITS HIT THEIR
BANK ACCOUNTS AS EARLY AS THIS WEEKEND.
>> STEPHEN: SO, AMERICANS, DON'T WORRY.
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE YOUR BAIL MONEY IN TIME FOR ST. PATRICK'S
DAY.
THE PLAN IS WILDLY POPULAR, SUPPORTED BY 75% OF AMERICANS.
NOTHING IS POPULAR WITH 75% OF AMERICANS, OTHER THAN MELTED
CHEESE, TOM HANKS, AND MELTED CHEESE ON TOM HANKS.
AND THE ENORMOUS POPULARITY OF THIS BILL IS A PROBLEM FOR THE
G.O.P., BECAUSE IT RECEIVED ZERO REPUBLICAN SUPPORT.
IT'S THE WORST POLITICAL DECISION SINCE THE WHIGS OPPOSED
THE ICE CREAM AND ORGASMS ACT OF 1824.
I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM, ALSO ICE CREAM.
BUT JUST BECAUSE YOU FIGHT LIKE HELL TO STOP SOMETHING, DOESN'T
MEAN YOU CAN'T TAKE CREDIT FOR IT.
JUST ASK MISSISSIPPI SENATOR AND MAN REMEMBERING WHERE HE LEFT
HIS TEETH, ROGER WICKER.
HOURS AFTER THE BILL HE OPPOSED PASSED, WICKER TWEETED,
"INDEPENDENT RESTAURANT OPERATORS HAVE WON $28.6 BILLION
WORTH OF TARGETED RELIEF.
THIS FUNDING WILL ENSURE SMALL BUSINESSES CAN SURVIVE THE
PANDEMIC BY HELPING TO ADAPT THEIR OPERATIONS AND KEEP THEIR
EMPLOYEES ON THE PAYROLL."
WHEN REPORTERS CALLED HIM ON HIS CRAP, WICKER FIRED BACK, "ONE
GOOD PROVISION IN A $1.9 TRILLION BILL DOESN'T MEAN I
HAVE TO VOTE FOR THE WHOLE THING."
COUNTERPOINT-- YEAH, IT DOES.
YOU CAN'T HAVE THE PART OF THE BILL YOU LIKE UNLESS YOU VOTE
FOR THE REST OF IT.
THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T HEAR THIS AT A WEDDING:
"DO YOU PROMISE TO TAKE THIS WOMAN AS YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED
WIFE?
FOR RICHER OR POORER, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, TILL
DEATH DO YOU PART?" "UH, I'LL TAKE 'RICHER' AND
'HEALTH,' PLEASE."
FINALLY, IN INTERNATIONAL NEWS, THERE'S A HOT NEW CLIP FROM A
SPORTS BROADCAST ON ESPN COLOMBIA.
MY FAVORITE OF ALL THE SPORTS CHANNELS I DON'T WATCH.
NOW, BEFORE YOU SEE THIS, I NEED TO PREPARE YOU BY INTRODUCING
OUR BELOVED SEGMENT: "KEEP IN MIND: EVERYONE'S FINE!"
>> I'M OKAY!
>> STEPHEN: HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: ON TUESDAY NIGHT, AN
ENTIRE WALL CAME CRASHING DOWN ON JOURNALIST CARLOS ORDUZ
DURING THE SOCCER SHOW "ESPN-FC RADIO."
I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THE FOOTAGE NOW, AND KEEP IN MIND,
EVERYONE'S FINE!
SO HERE'S THE SHOW.
JUST SOME REGULAR SOCCER REPORTING, ORDUZ IS ON THE LEFT
THERE, AND, OH MY GOD!
"WALL!" AGAIN, ORDUZ IS FINE.
AND ON THE UPSIDE: HE CAN NOW ENTER ANY ROOM HE WANTS JUST BY
SLIDING UNDERNEATH THE DOOR.
THE BEST PART IS WHAT HAPPENS AFTER ORDUZ GETS HIT.
CHECK OUT HOW THE HOST OF THE SHOW REACTS:
( SPEAKING SPANISH ) >> STEPHEN: THAT IS
PROFESSIONALISM, FOLKS.
SOMETHING THAT ALL OF US IN THE INDUSTRY CAN ASPIRE TO.
MARK, CHRIS, IF THE CEILING CAME AND CRUSHED EITHER ONE OF YOU, I
WOULDN'T BLINK.
LET'S DIG INTO THIS STORY.
FOR MORE, WE TURN TO MY WRITER FELIPE TORRES MEDINA, WHO IS
ACTUALLY FROM COLOMBIA.
HI, FELIPE!
>> HI, STEVE!
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, SO, THAT REACTION WAS AMAZING.
DOES THIS KIND OF THING HAPPEN A LOT IN COLOMBIAN SPORTS
REPORTING?
>> NO, STEVE.
BUT ORDUZ-- THE GUY WHO GOT HIT BY THE WALL-- HE KEPT HIS COOL.
HE DIDN'T EVEN CURSE.
SEE, NORMALLY, WHEN A COLOMBIAN STUBS THEIR TOE OR SOMETHING,
THE REACTION IS "HIJUEPUTA!" WHICH BASICALLY MEANS "SON OF A
WHORE!" BUT ORDUZ SAID, "HIJUEMADRE,"
WHICH MEANS SON OF A MOTHER!
>> STEPHEN: OH, SO HE KEPT IT P.G.
>> TECHNICALLY, "P.G."
>> STEPHEN: AND JUST TO BE CLEAR, ORDUZ IS PERFECTLY FINE,
RIGHT?
>> ABSOLUTELY, STEPHEN.
NOT A SCRATCH.
HE'S DOING GRUUUUGH...
MOTHER DUCKLING!
>> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
I'LL BE TALKING TO BILLY CRYSTAL AND AARON PAUL.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
STICK AROUND.
♪♪♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK TO "A
LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
LET'S CHECK IN REAL QUICK WITH A MAN I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR LIVE
AGAIN, MR. JON BATISTE.
HELLO, JON.
>> Jon: HELLO, STEPHEN.
WHOO, MY GOODNESS, A WHOLE YEAR.
>> Stephen: A WHOLE YEAR AGO TOORNT I SAW YOU FOR THE LAST
TIME.
>> Jon: I KNOW.
>> Stephen: I GOT ON MY HOVER CRAFT AND LEFT THE ROOF OF THE
THEATER THEATER, AND YOU GOT INTO A PNEUMATIC TUBE AND WERE
SHOT OVER TO BROOKLYN.
>> Jon: YES.
YOU KNOW, YOU'VE GOT TO PROTECT YOURSELF OUT THERE.
IT'S A NEW AGE.
>> Stephen: YOU DO.
WELL, DO YOU HAVE A FIRST SONG YOU WANT TO PLAY WHEN YOU'RE
BACK IN FRONT OF THE AUDIENCE?
>> Jon: OH, YEAH, ACTUALLY.
UH...
♪♪♪ ( PLAYING IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND
YOU KNOW IT ) >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,
EVERYBODY.
I HOPE YOU GET TO PLAY IT SOON.
THANK YOU, JON.
YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME CAREFULLY DESIGNING AND SEWING
THE NEWSIEST KIMONOS OUT OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, TOPICAL SILK,
THEN METICULOUSLY GRINDING AND APPLYING KUMADORI MAKE-UP, ALL
TO STAGE FOR YOU THE ELABORATE KABUKI PERFORMANCE THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I ROUST MY WIFE AND NEIGHBORS AT 3:00 A.M., DOWN
A PICKLE JAR OF FLAT WHITE CLAW I SAVE FOR MY "SPECIAL NIGHTS,"
SHOVE EVERYONE INTO MY LIVING ROOM WITH NOTHING BUT THEIR
PAJAMAS AND A BOX OF WIGS I STOLE FROM A FUNERAL HOME, AND
FORCE THEM INTO THE INEBRIATED CHARADES THUNDERDOME OF NEWS
THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINEWHILE!"
QUARANTINE-WHILE, THIS WEEKEND, "NEW YORK CITY'S VERY OWN NAKED
COWBOY WAS ARRESTED FOR PANHANDLING IN FLORIDA."
AUTHORITIES APPROACHED HIM WHEN THEY NOTICED PEOPLE WERE PLACING
MONEY INSIDE THE SOUNDHOLE OF HIS GUITAR.
A WARNING TO MY VIEWERS.
IF THIS MAN APPROACHES YOU AND ASKS YOU TO STUFF THINGS IN HIS
SOUNDHOLE, DO NOT ENGAGE.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "DISNEY+ HAS REMOVED ACCESS TO CLASSIC MOVIES
LIKE 'DUMBO' AND 'PETER PAN' FROM MENUS FOR CHILDREN UNDER
SEVEN YEARS OLD BECAUSE THEY CONTAIN RACIST STEREOTYPES."
SO...
CONGRATULATIONS, EIGHT-YEAR-OLDS?
DISNEY KNOWS WHERE TO DRAWN THE LINE.
BY THE WAY, IF YOU'RE VISITING THE MAGIC KINGDOM, DON'T EVEN
TRY TO ORDER A MOJITO UNTIL YOU'RE 12.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "ONE OF THE WORLD'S LARGEST SWARMS OF GIANT
CICADAS IS READY TO RISE BY THE BILLIONS."
WELL, THAT'S THE MOST TERRIFYING COMBINATION OF WORDS I'VE HEARD
IN A WHILE.
THE CICADAS ARE SET TO STORM THE EASTERN U.S. AT DENSITIES UP TO
1.5 MILLION PER ACRE.
BUT IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT FLEETS OF GIANT INSECTS COMING
TO EAT YOU, TAKE HEART.
THEY CAME TO HUMP, AND THAT'S IT.
AFTER 17 YEARS UNDERGROUND, EXPERTS SAY "THEY WILL DO IT IN
TREES, ON YOUR PATIO, YOUR PORCH, YOUR YARD, YOUR ROOF AND
YOUR CAR."
THE WORST DR. SEUSS BOOK EVER: "HORTON HEARS A WHO-LE BUNCH OF
BUGS HAVING SEX."
"YOU'LL HEAR THEM NEAR.
YOU'LL HEAR THEM FAR.
YOU'LL HEAR THEM BONING ON YOUR CAR."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN FINLAND, SCIENTISTS JUST UNVEILED
SOMETHING CALLED "NETFLIX FOR MONKEYS."
OR, AS IT'S ALSO KNOWN: "NETFLIX."
THIS NEW PRIMATE STREAMING SERVICE IS AN EXPERIMENT AT A
ZOO IN HELSINKI, WHERE RESEARCHERS OUTFITTED THE
WHITE-FACED SAKI MONKEY CAGE WITH A MONITOR WHERE THE ANIMALS
CAN CHOOSE TO STREAM VIDEO FOOTAGE OF THINGS LIKE WORMS,
SEA CREATURES, OTHER ZOO ANIMALS, FOREST SCENES, AND
ABSTRACT ART.
BECAUSE IF THERE ARE TWO THINGS I ASSOCIATE WITH MONKEYS, IT'S
BANANAS, AND THEIR NUANCED APPRECIATION OF MARK ROTHKO.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN "HEY, MAYBE DON'T DO THAT" NEWS,
"100-MILLION-YEAR-OLD SEAFLOOR SEDIMENT BACTERIA HAVE BEEN
RESUSCITATED."
I'M SORRY, HAS THE CURRENT PANDEMIC LOST YOUR INTEREST?
"I GROW BORED OF THIS CORONAVIRUS.
UNLEASH THE CONTAGION OF THE ANCIENTS!"
IT ALL STARTED WHEN "JAPANESE SCIENTISTS SAILED INTO THE SOUTH
PACIFIC GYRE WITH A GIANT DRILL AND A BIG QUESTION."
"HOW CAN WE SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF EVERYONE?"
THEY DROPPED THEIR GIANT DRILL 20,000 FEET INTO THE PACIFIC AND
TOOK CORE SAMPLES CONTAINING THE 100-MILLION-YEAR-OLD BACTERIAL
CELLS, AND "WHEN GIVEN FOOD, MOST OF THEM QUICKLY REVIVED,
WHICH THE SCIENTISTS DID NOT EXPECT."
OH, GOOD.
THE LAST THING I WOULD WANT IS FOR THE SCIENTISTS REANIMATING A
PRIMORDIAL ENTITY TO KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING.
ACCORDING TO THIS RESEARCH, "EVIDENCE MOUNTS THAT BACTERIA
CAN BE EFFECTIVELY IMMORTAL."
OKAY.
LET'S SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE...
PRIMEVAL, YES.
INFECTIOUS, YES.
UNEXPECTEDLY REVIVED, YES.
AND IMMORTAL, GOTCHA.
GLOBAL EXTINCTION BINGO!
I WIN A TATTERED CANVAS TO HUDDLE UNDER AGAINST THE BLOOD
STORMS.
OH AND F.Y.I., THE LOCATION THEY CHOSE FOR THIS DRILLING WAS--
YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS-- "THE SO-CALLED OCEANIC POLE OF
INACCESSIBILITY, MADE FAMOUS BY H.P. LOVECRAFT AS THE HOME OF
THE BE-TENTACLED CTHULHU."
OKAY.
THAT'S IT.
I'M OUT.
I'VE SEEN "PACIFIC RIM."
I KNOW WHAT COMES NEXT.
YOU'RE GOING TO BUILD A BIG ROBOT TO PUNCH CTHULU IN THE
FACE.
JUST DO ME A FAVOR.
IF YOU'RE EXPENDING THOSE RESOURCES, BUILD YOUR ROBOT
BIGGER THAN THE MONSTER YOU'RE PUNCHING, YOU DINGUSES.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BILLY CRYSTAL.
WELCOME BACK.
YOU KNOW, ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT
DOING THIS SHOW IS GETTING TO TALK TO ALL SORTS OF FASCINATING
PEOPLE.
BUT IT'S HARD TO FULLY EXPLORE A GUEST'S PSYCHE IN JUST TEN
MINUTES OVER ZOOM.
WHICH IS WHY WE HERE AT THE LATE SHOW CREATED "THE COLBERT
QUESTIONERT."
IT'S A SERIES OF 15 QUESTIONS SCIENTIFICALLY CALIBRATED TO
REVEAL A PERSON'S TRUEST SELF: EVERYTHING FROM YOUR PRIMAL
FEARS TO YOUR FAVORITE SANDWICH TO THE SANDWICH YOU'RE MOST
AFRAID OF.
AND I RECENTLY HAD THE PLEASURE OF ADMINISTERING THE QUESTIONERT
TO HOLLYWOOD LEGEND BILLY CRYSTAL.
FORGET "WHEN HARRY MET SALLY"-- THIS IS "WHEN HARRY MET BILLY."
♪♪♪ BILLY CRYSTAL, LOVELY TO HAVE
YOU HERE.
ALWAYS ENJOY.
AS I'VE ALWAYS SAID, A VACATION TO TALK TO YOU.
ONE TO HAVE THE PROBLEMS WITH THESE JOBS IS YOU GET TO MEET A
LOT OF PEOPLE, BUT IT'S HARD TO PLUNGE THE DEPTHS AND REVEAL THE
SOUL OF THE PEOPLE YOU'RE TALKING TO BUT I HAVE COME UP
WITH A FOOLPROOF QUESTION QUESTI ON FUNK AND WAG NAIL'S POMP.
SINCE NOON TODAY, I'LL ASK YOU THESE 15 QUESTIONS.
BILLY CRYSTAL, WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH?
>> PRESIDENT BUSH, JELLY, WHITE BREAD.
>> Stephen: SIMPLE, CLASSY, I LIKE IT.
WHAT'S THE ONE THING THAT YOU OWN THAT YOU REALLY SHOULD THROW
OUT?
>> HMM...
OH...
I GUESS MY BELL BOTTOMS.
>> Stephen: DO YOU ACTUALLY HAVE BELL BOTTOMS?
>> YEAH, I KEEP A LOT OF STUFF.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE SCARIEST ANIMAL?
>> THE SPITTING COBRA.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE IT'S RUDE?
NO, BECAUSE IT'S WEIRD.
YOU KNOW, IT STANDS UP AND IT SPITS AND IF IT GETS IN YOUR
EYES, YOU'RE BLIND, THEN IT KILLS.
BUT, YEAH, IT'S ANY KIND OF SNAKE.
WE HAD A RATTLESNAKE HERE NOT LONG AGO IN THE FRONT YARD, AND
IT WAS REALLY TERRIFYING.
SO, YEAH.
>> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES?
OH, APPLES.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE.
YOU CAN PUT PRESID PEANUT BUTTER SLICE OF APPLE.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR
AUTOGRAPH?
>> OH, I STILL DO.
>> Stephen: WHO'S THE LAST PERSON YOU ASKED?
DO YOU HAVE ONE THAT COMES TO MIND, EVEN IF IT'S NOT THE EXACT
LAST?
>> THIS WAS INTERESTING.
I WAS AT A CLEVELAND INDIANS/NEW YORK YANKEES PLAYOFF
GAME AND I SAT NEXT TO A MAN NAMED LARRY DOBIE.
LARRY DOBIE WAS THE FIRST AFRICAN-AMERICAN TO PLAY IN THE
AMERICAN LEAGUE, WHEN JACKIE ROBINSON BROKE THE BARRIER WITH
THE DODGERS, OF COURSE, LARRY DOBIE WAS BASICALLY BUZZ ALDRIN,
WAS THE SECOND, AND HE PLAYED WITH THE CLEVELAND INDIANS.
I HAPPENED TO SIT NEXT TO HIM.
HE'S A VERY DISTINGUISHED MAN.
I ASKED HIM TO SIGN A BALL AND HE DID.
VERY LOVELY.
>> Stephen: HANK AARON, YOU HAVE BASEBALL PLAYERS.
>> I HAVE SO MANY.
IT'S A BIG PASSION OF MINE.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE?
>> WE GO INTO SYNDICATION.
>> Stephen: FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE?
>> RAIDERS"RAIDERS OF THE LOST A >> Stephen: I'M GOING TO GO
WITH YOU ON THAT ONE BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING LIKE MELTING
NAZIS.
( LAUGHTER ) DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE SMELL?
>> YES, MY NEWBORN BABIES.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A LOT OF THOSE?
SMELL DOESN'T LAST VERY LONG.
YOU'VE GOT TO GET FRESH ONES ALL THE TIME.
>> WHEN THEY WERE LITTLE, NOTHING LIKE THE BABY SMELL.
>> Stephen: TOP TO HAVE THE HEAD.
LEAST FAVORITE SMELL.
>> MY NEWBORN BABIES.
>> Stephen: GOT IT, THE OTHER END.
>> YEAH.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: EXEFER SIZE, IS IT
WORTH IT?
>> SURE, ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: EVERY SINGLE PERSON I'VE ASKED THIS QUESTION
HAS LIED.
OKAY.
FLAT OR SPARKLING?
>> SPARKLING.
>> Stephen: LET'S HAVE A PARTY.
MOST USED APP ON YOUR PHONE?
>> THERE'S TWO -- WELL, ALL RIGHT, CALM.
>> Stephen: OH, THAT'S NICE.
DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE -- IT PLAYS SOUNDS, RIGHT?
>> THERE ARE SAYINGS, THERE IS MUSIC.
I JUST STARTED THIS DURING THIS HORRIBLE TIME.
JUST, LIKE, OOOH, WHAT IS THIS, AND I JUST PUT IT ON FOR A
LITTLE BIT.
>> Stephen: YOU GET TO LISTEN TO ONE SONG FOR THE REST OF YOUR
LIFE, WHAT IS IT?
>> WELL, WE WOULD JUST -- WE JUST HAD OUR 50th WEDDING
ANNIVERSARY.
>> Stephen: MAZEL TOV.
THANK YOU.
AND THE SONG WE DANCED TO IS A SONG CALLED "THAT'S ALL,"
RECORDED BY NAT KING COLE.
♪ I CAN ONLY GIVE YOU LOVE THAT LASTS FOREVER ♪
♪ AND THE PROMISE TO BE NEAR EACH TIME YOU CALL ♪
♪ AND A LOVE WHO'S BURNING BRIGHT CAN WARM A WINTER'S
NIGHT ♪ ♪ THAT'S ALL ♪
>> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF.
♪ I CAN ONLY GIVE YOU WALKS IN SPRINGTIME AND A HAND TO HOLD
WHEN LEAVES BEGIN TO FALL.
>> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF?
>> SEVEN.
>> Stephen: NO.
DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS.
>> SEX, SEX, SEX, LAUGHS, SEX.
>> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS, BILLY.
>> HOW DID I DO?
YOU ARE FINALLY KNOWN.
BILLY CRYSTAL, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, SIR.
>> GREAT TO BE WITH YOU AGAIN.
>> Stephen: NICELY TO SEE YOU, TOO.
♪♪♪ THANKS AGAIN TO BILLY CRYSTAL.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH EMMY AWARD WINNING ACTOR AARON PAUL.
GENTLEMEN.
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A THREE-TIME EMMY AWARD-WINNING ACTOR YOU
KNOW FROM "BREAKING BAD," "WESTWORLD," AND "BOJACK
HORSEMAN."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW," AARON PAUL!
HELLO, AARON.
>> HEY, MY FRIEND!
SO GOOD TO SEE YOU, YOU BEAUTIFUL MAN!
HEY, I WANT TO START THIS OFF.
CAN I JUST CONGRATULATE YOU ON IN AND OF ITSELF ON HULU?
I AM JUST SUCH A MASSIVE FAN OF DEREK'S VIDEO.
>> Stephen: DEREK IS AMAZING.
FRANK OZ DIRECTED IT WITH DEREK.
IT'S AMAZING.
IT'S KIND OF A MAGIC SHOW, BUT IT'S REALLY STORYTELLING AND
IT'S TRUTH-TELLING.
>> EXACTLY RIGHT.
HE'S AN INCREDIBLE MUSICIAN BUT HE'S JUST SUCH A BEAUTIFUL STORY
TELLER AND, YOU KNOW, HE TAKES YOU ON SUCH AN EMOTIONAL JOURNEY
THAT YOU DIDN'T REALIZE THAT YOU KIND OF NEEDED AND WANTED.
AND, SO, IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN "IN AND OF ITSELF," YOU HAVE TO
CHECK IT OUT.
IT'S BEEN OUT FOR MONTHS NOW.
IT'S STILL 100% OF ROTTEN TOMATOES.
.>> Stephen: I'M NOT PAYING HIM TO SAY THIS, BUT 100% ROTTEN
TOMATOES.
ARE YOU A FAN OF MAGIC YOURSELF?
>> YEAH, AND WHO ISN'T A FAN OF MAGIC?
YEAH, I LOVE MAGIC.
>> Stephen: DO YOU DO ANY YOURSELF?
SOME PEOPLE HAVE HIDDEN TALENTS.
DO YOU HAVE ANY OF THOSE?
>> NO, NO, NO.
I DO NOT DO MAGIC.
WELL, NOT REALLY.
ACTUALLY, A FUNNY STORY, IF I MAY.
>> Stephen: I HOPE.
YEARS AGO, ONE OF MY FIRST BIG GIGS WAS ON MISSION
IMPOSSIBLE 3, AND I GOT TO WORK WITH TOM CRUISE.
>> Stephen: J.J.
J.J., AND MY BUDDY WHO KNOWS HIM VERY WELL IS, LIKE, BRING
MAGIC, J.J. LOVES MAGIC.
I'M, LIKE, I'LL BRING UP MAGIC, I LOVE MAGIC.
I BRING J.J. ON SET AND I SAID, I LOVE MAGIC.
HE SAYS, YOU LOVE MAGIC.
I SAID, YEAH, WHO DOESN'T, HAVE YOU BEEN SO THE MAGIC CASTLE.
NO.
HE'S LIKE, DO YOU KNOW MAGIC.
KIND OF, MAYBE, I KNOW A COUPLE OF CARD TRICKS I SHOW MY NIECES
AND NEPHEWS, CHILD TRICKS.
SOAR WE START TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.
ANYWAYS, CUT TO A LITTLE LATER IN THE DAY, THERE'S A TUNNEL
SHIFT ON SET AND I SENSE A PRESENCE KIND OF WALKING TOWARDS
ME AND I TOOK BEHIND ME AND IT'S J.J. AND TOM CRUISE, WHO I HAD
NOT MET YET.
SO J.J. BRINGS OVER TOM, INTRODUCES HIM TO ME.
I'M, LIKE, REALLY NICELY TO MEET YOU, HUGE FAN.
RIGHT AWAY, J.J. GOES, OH, YEAH, AARON IS' A MUSICIAN.
TOM IS, LIKE, YOU DO MAGIC.
NO, NO.
J.J. HAD THE PROP DEPARTMENT HAND ME A DECK OF CARDS TO SHOW
TOM A MAGIC TRICK.
I'M, LIKE, NO, I REALLY DON'T.
AND JM J. AND EVERYONE AND THE WHOLE CREW OF MISSION IMPOSSIBLE
IS LIKE DO IT DO IT.
SO I TRIED A TRICK ON TOM.
I'M PANICKED, I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS ALREADY, AND THE TRICK
JUST FAILED MISERABLY, DOESN'T WORK.
BUT BLESS HIM, TOM, HE'S JUST SUCH A SWEETHEART, HE'S JUST
SUCH A POSITIVE GUY.
HE STARTS LAUGHING, HE'S, LIKE, DO IT AGAIN.
I'M, LIKE, OKAY.
SO I'M NOW DIGGING DEEP, YOU KNOW, WHAT DO I SHOW HIM.
LITERALLY THE ONLY THING I KNOW IS A TRICK FOR, LIKE, A THREE OR
FOUR-YEAR-OLD, YOU KNOW, AND, SO, I SHOW HIM A TRICK, IT
WORKS, AND TOM JUST, YOU KNOW, HE LAUGHS AND HE KIND OF SHAKES
MY SHOULDERS AND SAYS, GOOD JOB, AND IT'S JUST UNBELIEVABLY
EMBARRASSING.
>> Stephen: I AM IN AGONY FROM 3,000 MILES AWAY, HEARING YOU
TELL THE STORY.
I CAN'T -- >> A BAD STORY.
BAD STORY.
>> Stephen: NO, IT'S A GREAT STORY.
IT'S AN AGONIZING STORY.
I LOVE OTHER PEOPLE'S AGO ADVERTISING STORIES.
>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF AGONIZING.
IN DECEMBER, YOU POSTED THIS VIDEO.
DO WE HAVE THIS, JIM?
>> I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE A QUICK LITTLE DIP.
THIS IS MY DAILY ROUTINE.
JUST GET IN HERE.
WHOO!
CAN'T REALLY BEAT THIS.
ALL RIGHT.
LEAVING THE WATER!
AAAHHH!
>> Stephen: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
ARE YOU BUCK NAKED IN THAT?
>> YOU KNOW, I WANTED TO BE.
BUT, NO, I WAS NOT.
>> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> I JUST LOVE COLD WATER, YOU KNOW.
I LOVE IT.
HONESTLY, ONCE YOU STOP SORT OF RUNNING AWAY AND STOP ALLOWING
SORT OF, LIKE, YOUR SURVIVAL INSTINCTS TO KICK IN AND YOU
LEAN INTO THE COLD, YOU REALLY START EMBRACING THE COLD.
>> Stephen: YOU COULD SAY THAT ABOUT ANYTHING.
YEAH, YOU'RE FALLING OUT OF A PLANE, BUT ONCE YOU, YOU KNOW,
WAIT FOR YOUR SURVIVAL INSTINCTS TO STOP KICKING IN, IT'S A
LOVELY RIDE.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW -- >> Stephen: WHERE IS THAT, BY
THE WAY?
>> THAT IS IN MY BACKYARD IN IDAHO.
>> Stephen: OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
I FORGOT YOU'RE FROM A LITTLE TOWN IN IDAHO.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WE TALKED ABOUT IT ON THE SHOW LAST TIME YOU WERE
ON.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU'VE GOT A PLACE IN L.A. THAT I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE
COMPLETELY SET UP FOR COVID ISOLATION.
WHAT IS IT?
>> WELL, I THINK, REALLY, IT'S -- WELL, WE'RE SLOWLY
TURNING THE PLACE INTO A FARM, BUT THE MAIN TAKEAWAY IS WE'VE
GOT A NICE LITTLE SPEAK EASY.
SO I THINK IF YOU'RE GOING TO DRINK, NOW IS THE TIME.
>> Stephen: YOU BOUGHT A HOUSE THAT WAS A SPEAK EASY DURING
PROHIBITION?
>> YEAH, THIS HOUSE WAS BUILT DURING PROHIBITION, ONE TO HAVE
THE FIRST HOMES IN THE HILLSIDE, AND, YEAH, THE PEOPLE WHO BUILT
IT OBVIOUSLY LOVE TO DRINK, AND THEY BUILT A PEEK EASY.
THE SPEAK EASY, YOU HAVE TO REMOVE THE WALL -- THIS IS
LITERALLY THE LAST THING THEY SHOWED ME WHEN WE WERE TOURING
THE HOUSE.
YOU LIFT UP THE RUG, PULL OUT THE WALL, THERE'S A FLOOR TO
CEILING SAFE.
OPEN THE SAFE.
BEHIND THE SAFE ARE TWO METAL DOORS YOU OPEN UP, AND THERE'S
SHELVING FOR BOOZE.
BUT THEN THERE'S A SECRET LEVER ON THE FLOOR THAT YOU PRESS AND
PULL UP THE FLOOR AND THERE'S A HIDDEN STAIRCASE THAT GOES INTO
A BIG SPEAK EASY.
IT'S ACTUALLY RIGHT HERE.
IT'S BEHIND THIS WALL.
>> Stephen: SO YOU'RE ALSO -- YOU WANT TO SEE IT?
>> Stephen: YES, I WOULD LOVE TO SEE IT.
>> YOU JUST OPEN UP, DO THIS.
THERE ARE THESE DOORS AT OPEN UP AND THERE'S SHELVING AREA.
AND THERE'S A FLOOR AND YOU COME DOWN THESE STAIRS.
>> Stephen: DON'T GO DOWN PAUL'S STAIRS.
YOU'RE SET FOR THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE TWO NOW?
>> YEAH, IT SEEMS LIKE A SUPER CREEPY ROOM.
BUT ONCE YOU GET DOWN THERE AND HAVE A DRINK, YOU'RE GOOD.
>> Stephen: HOW MUCH DOS HOMBRES DOWN THERE?
>> QUITE A BIT.
>> Stephen: YOU DID SIX YEARS OF "BOJACK HORSEMAN," BUT YOU
HAVE AN AUDIO DRAMA CALLED "THE COLDEST CASE."
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN AUDIO DRAMA AND AUDIO BOOK?
AN AUDIO DRAMA IS TAKING YOU BACK TO THE WORLD OF TALKIES
BEFORE TELEVISION.
THE AUDIO BOOK, YOU HAVE SOMEBODY READING A BOOK.
THIS IS JUST TAKING YOU DOWN, JUST SUCH A CRAZY WILD RIDE.
WHAT I LOVE ABOUT BOOKS, IT ALLOWS YOU TO GO DEEPER INTO
YOUR IMAGINATION.
THAT'S WHAT AUTOMOBILE IS DOING.
>> Stephen: SO IS IT FULLY DRAMATIZED, LIKE ORSON WELLS --
>> VERY DRAMA ADVERTISED.
I ACTUALLY HAVEN'T HEARD IT YET BUT I'VE HEARD SOME CLIPS OF IT
AND IT JUST SOUNDS INCREDIBLE.
JAMES PARTISAN, HE'S SO BRILLIANT AT THE CRIME THRILLER
DRAMA, AND THIS JOURNEY THAT HE TAKES US ON IS AN INCREDIBLE
ONE.
>> Stephen: WELL, THE COLDEST CASE IS AVAILABLE ON AUDIBLE
NOW.
THAT'S AARON PAUL.
DON'T GO IN HIS BASEMENT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY LAKE STREET DIVE.
THANKS, AARON.
>> >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBO
THEIR ALBUM, "OBVIOUSLY," COMES OUT TOMORROW.
PERFORMING "HYPOTHETICALS," LAKE STREET DIVE!
♪ OBVIOUSLY WE'RE AT THE
♪ BEGINNING OF SOMETHING I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO KNOW
♪ WHERE IT'S GONNA GO BUT I BELIEVE
♪ WE MIGHT BE ONTO SOMETHING
♪ AND I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE YOU SHOULD KNOW
♪ I'VE BEEN PLAYING OUT A LOT OF HYPOTHETICALS IN MY MIND
♪ I'VE BEEN WRITING YOUR NAME DOWN NEXT TO MINE
♪ BEEN IMAGINING ALL THE THINGS YOU AND I COULD DO
♪ OOH, OOH I'VE SEEN ALL THE POSSIBILITIES
♪ IN MY DREAMS YOU'RE ALONE WHEN YOU
♪ SHOULD REALLY BE NEXT TO ME BABY, LET'S NOT WAIT AND SEE
♪ IMMEDIATE ACTION IS UNNECESSARY
♪ IT'S A FATAL ATTRACTION IT'S A LITTLE SCARY
♪ BUT I GOT A PLAN OF ATTACK AND I'LL GET US THERE
♪ SOMEDAY SOON I KNOW IT
♪ I GOT A PLAN A, AND I GOT A PLAN B
♪ AND IF IT'S ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY
WE'LL GO TO PLAN C ♪ WHATEVER I GOTTA DO
TO BE WITH YOU, OOH, OOH ♪ I'VE BEEN PLAYING OUT A LOT OF
HYPOTHETICALS IN MY MIND ♪ I'VE BEEN WRITING YOUR NAME
DOWN NEXT TO MINE ♪ BEEN IMAGINING ALL THE THINGS
YOU AND I COULD DO ♪ OOH, OOH
I'VE SEEN ALL THE POSSIBILITIES ♪ IN MY DREAMS
YOU'RE ALONE WHEN YOU ♪ SHOULD REALLY BE NEXT TO ME
BABY, LET'S NOT WAIT AND SEE ♪ NOBODY CAN SEE INTO THE FUTURE
EVEN THE WEATHERMAN ♪ GETS CAUGHT IN THE RAIN
SOMETIMES ♪ BUT I SEE SOMETHING IN YOU
THAT I'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE ♪ AND I CAN'T BE SURE
NO, MAYBE NOT ♪ BUT I THINK IT'S
WORTH A SHOT ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ HYPOTHETICALLY, YES
THEORETICALLY, FOREVER ♪ WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS
BUT I HOPE WE WILL NEVER ♪ BE APART
HYPOTHETICALLY, YES ♪ THEORETICALLY, FOREVER
WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS ♪ BUT I HOPE WE WILL NEVER
BE APART ♪ OH, HYPOTHETICALLY, YES
THEORETICALLY, FOREVER ♪ WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS
BUT I HOPE WE WILL NEVER ♪ BE APART
OH, HYPOTHETICALLY, YES ♪ THEORETICALLY, FOREVER
WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS ♪ BUT I HOPE WE WILL NEVER
BE APART ♪ I'VE BEEN PLAYING OUT A LOT OF
HYPOTHETICALS ♪ I'VE BEEN WRITING YOUR NAME
DOWN NEXT TO MINE ♪ OH, OH
I'VE SEEN ALL THE POSSIBILITIES ♪ IN MY DREAMS
I'VE SEEN THE POSSIBILITIES ♪ OH, YEAH
BABY, LET'S NOT WAIT AND SEE ♪ >> Stephen: LAKE STREET DIVE,
EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S IT FOR "A LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
TUNE IN TOMORROW FOR A RARE FRIDAY SHOW-- IT'S OUR
QUAR-ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL FEATURING MY INTERVIEW WITH
DR. ANTHONY FAUCI.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.