1 00:00:03,203 --> 00:00:03,703 OGETHER TO ENCOURAGE AMERICANS TO GET VACCINATED, BUT ONE IS 2 00:00:03,770 --> 00:00:06,306 MISSING FROM THE NEW AD. 3 00:00:16,015 --> 00:00:18,151 >> THIS VACCINE MEANS HOPE. 4 00:00:18,218 --> 00:00:20,787 IT WILL PROTECT YOU AND THOSE YOU LOVE FROM THIS DANGEROUS AND 5 00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:23,957 DEADLY DISEASE. 6 00:00:24,023 --> 00:00:25,091 >> THIS IS GOING TO GO AWAY WITHOUT A VACCINE. 7 00:00:25,158 --> 00:00:26,960 >> I WANT TO GO BACK TO WORK. 8 00:00:27,026 --> 00:00:28,561 TO VISIT WITH MICHELLE'S MOM. 9 00:00:28,628 --> 00:00:29,662 I WANT -- CHOCOLATE CAKE. 10 00:00:29,729 --> 00:00:32,766 WE'VE SUFFERED ENOUGH DAMAGE. 11 00:00:32,832 --> 00:00:36,503 PEOPLE ARE FLUSHING TOILETS TEN TIMES, 15 TIMES. 12 00:00:36,569 --> 00:00:39,973 >> SO WE URGE YOU TO GET VACCINATED WHEN IT'S AVAILABLE 13 00:00:40,039 --> 00:00:41,674 TO YOU. 14 00:00:41,741 --> 00:00:42,976 >> SO ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVE AND DO YOUR PART. 15 00:00:43,042 --> 00:00:44,043 >> THIS IS OUR SHOT. 16 00:00:44,110 --> 00:00:45,979 NOW IT'S UP TO YOU. 17 00:00:46,045 --> 00:00:50,517 THE VACCINE WAS TESTED ON MY SON ERIC. 18 00:00:50,583 --> 00:00:52,619 >> ANNOUNCER: IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT. 19 00:00:52,685 --> 00:00:55,989 TONIGHT: WHO KNEW? 20 00:00:56,055 --> 00:00:59,993 PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: AARON PAUL, 21 00:01:00,059 --> 00:01:08,935 MUSICAL PERFORMANCE BY LAKE STREET DIVE. 22 00:01:09,002 --> 00:01:11,337 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN." 23 00:01:11,404 --> 00:01:14,941 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE 24 00:01:15,008 --> 00:01:19,145 BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 25 00:01:19,212 --> 00:01:19,746 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. 26 00:01:19,813 --> 00:01:21,881 WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW." 27 00:01:21,948 --> 00:01:23,950 I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 28 00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:26,953 yes, I am wearing my springtime greys, because check your 29 00:01:27,020 --> 00:01:29,956 calendar -- IF YOU'RE UNFAMILIAR WITH THAT 30 00:01:30,023 --> 00:01:31,958 TERM, IT'S A LIST OF THE MONTHS THAT USED TO MARK THE PASSAGE OF 31 00:01:32,025 --> 00:01:33,159 TIME. 32 00:01:33,226 --> 00:01:36,963 AND TODAY MARKS ONE YEAR SINCE THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION 33 00:01:37,030 --> 00:01:40,567 DECLARED COVID-19 A PANDEMIC. 34 00:01:40,633 --> 00:01:44,437 PRIOR TO THAT, IT WAS ACTUALLY CATEGORIZED AS A LEGUME. 35 00:01:44,504 --> 00:01:46,773 I THINK WE ALL REMEMBER WHERE WE WERE WHEN WE HEARD THE NEWS, 36 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:48,842 BECAUSE WE'RE ALL STILL THERE. 37 00:01:48,908 --> 00:01:52,412 OF COURSE, IT'S ALSO THE ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE FIRST 38 00:01:52,479 --> 00:01:53,279 TIME I LYSOL-ED A BANANA. 39 00:01:53,346 --> 00:01:55,215 BUT NOT THE LAST. 40 00:01:55,281 --> 00:01:57,984 NONE OF US IMAGINED THAT THIS WOULD ALL STILL BE GOING ON A 41 00:01:58,051 --> 00:01:59,252 YEAR LATER. 42 00:01:59,319 --> 00:02:02,622 CASE IN POINT-- I THOUGHT I WAS PESSIMISTIC WHEN I SAID THIS IN 43 00:02:02,689 --> 00:02:06,926 THE FIRST SHOW WE DID AFTER LEAVING THE THEATER: 44 00:02:06,993 --> 00:02:08,094 PEOPLE ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY HAVE HUNKERED DOWN IN THEIR 45 00:02:08,161 --> 00:02:10,930 HOMES TO RIDE OUT THE CORONAVIRUS. 46 00:02:10,997 --> 00:02:13,399 THE C.D.C. IS SAYING THIS COULD GO ON FOR THE NEXT EIGHT WEEKS. 47 00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:23,209 SO, GET COMFORTABLE. 48 00:02:23,276 --> 00:02:28,748 oh, Stephen, now naive you were. 49 00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:29,749 FIRST, IT WAS GOING TO BE EIGHT WEEKS. 50 00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:30,316 THEN EASTER. 51 00:02:30,383 --> 00:02:30,950 THEN MEMORIAL DAY. 52 00:02:31,017 --> 00:02:31,851 THEN FOURTH OF JULY. 53 00:02:31,918 --> 00:02:32,952 IT'S WORSE THAN WAITING FOR THE CABLE GUY. 54 00:02:33,019 --> 00:02:34,654 THE C.D.C. SHOULD HAVE JUST ISSUED A STATEMENT, "YOUR 55 00:02:34,721 --> 00:02:35,855 PANDEMIC WILL END SHORTLY. 56 00:02:35,922 --> 00:02:36,523 PLEASE BE HOME BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 8:00 A.M. AND THREE YEARS 57 00:02:36,589 --> 00:02:40,727 FROM NOW." 58 00:02:40,793 --> 00:02:44,030 TOMORROW NIGHT, IN HONOR OF OUR YEAR IN CAPTIVITY, WE'RE 59 00:02:44,097 --> 00:02:47,233 PRESENTING "A LATE SHOW'S QUARANNIVERSARY SPECIAL: THE 60 00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:50,670 YEAR THAT TOOK 100 YEARS BUT WAS ALSO SOMEHOW ONE LONG DAY." 61 00:02:50,737 --> 00:02:52,505 I'LL BE TAKING A LOOK BACK AT THE PANDEMIC, WITH MY GUEST 62 00:02:52,572 --> 00:02:53,740 DR. ANTHONY FAUCI. 63 00:02:53,806 --> 00:02:55,675 AND THE FAUCETTES. 64 00:02:55,742 --> 00:02:56,976 I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE COMMEMORATING THE PANDEMIC 65 00:02:57,043 --> 00:02:59,245 ANNIVERSARY. 66 00:02:59,312 --> 00:03:01,748 TONIGHT, PRESIDENT BIDEN TRIED TO STEAL MY THUNDER BY GIVING 67 00:03:01,814 --> 00:03:07,587 HIS FIRST PRIME-TIME ADDRESS SINCE TAKING OFFICE. 68 00:03:07,654 --> 00:03:12,292 NOW, I HAVEN'T SEEN THE SPEECH YET, BECAUSE WE TAPED THIS 69 00:03:12,358 --> 00:03:13,927 BEFORE NOW. 70 00:03:13,993 --> 00:03:16,262 BUT APPARENTLY THE BIG BOMBSHELL IS THAT THE PRESIDENT WANTS ALL 71 00:03:16,329 --> 00:03:21,935 ADULT AMERICANS TO BE ELIGIBLE FOR THE VACCINE NO LATER THAN 72 00:03:22,001 --> 00:03:23,136 MAY 1. 73 00:03:23,202 --> 00:03:25,004 I JUST WANT TO SAY-- AND I MEAN THIS IN THE MOST HOPEFUL WAY 74 00:03:25,071 --> 00:03:25,805 POSSIBLE-- MAY DAY! 75 00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:27,073 MAY DAY! 76 00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:29,943 MAY DAY! 77 00:03:30,009 --> 00:03:31,511 BIDEN IS LOOKING BEYOND MAY BECAUSE HE'S ALSO EXPECTED TO 78 00:03:31,578 --> 00:03:32,979 SAY, "TOGETHER, WE CAN ALL CELEBRATE A MORE NORMAL FOURTH 79 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:39,953 OF JULY WITH FAMILIES AND FRIENDS." 80 00:03:40,019 --> 00:03:41,120 YES! 81 00:03:41,187 --> 00:03:44,591 FINALLY, WE CAN ONCE AGAIN GATHER ON THE FOURTH OF JULY TO 82 00:03:44,657 --> 00:03:47,627 SAFELY BLOW OUR FINGERS OFF! 83 00:03:47,694 --> 00:03:50,263 IT REMINDS ME OF THAT FAMOUS SCENE IN INDEPENDENCE DAY. 84 00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:53,333 >> WE WILL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT! 85 00:03:53,399 --> 00:03:55,535 WE WILL NOT VANISH WITHOUT A FIGHT! 86 00:03:55,602 --> 00:03:59,072 WE'RE GOING TO LIVE ON! 87 00:03:59,138 --> 00:04:00,039 WE'RE GOING TO SURVIVE! 88 00:04:00,106 --> 00:04:09,983 TODAY... WE GET A HAIRCUT! 89 00:04:10,049 --> 00:04:11,784 >> Stephen: TO GIVE OUT ALL OF THESE SHOTS, BIDEN IS EXPECTED 90 00:04:11,851 --> 00:04:13,653 TO ANNOUNCE THAT DENTISTS AND VETERINARIANS WILL BE ABLE TO 91 00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:14,287 ADMINISTER THE VACCINE NOW. 92 00:04:14,354 --> 00:04:16,522 THAT'S RIGHT, VETERINARIANS. 93 00:04:16,589 --> 00:04:23,930 THEY'LL HAVE THE PFIZER, THE JOHNSON & JOHNSON, THE MODERNA, 94 00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:25,298 THE WHITE HOUSE SAID THE SPEECH WOULD BE ROUGHLY 18 MINUTES. 95 00:04:25,365 --> 00:04:27,467 THAT'S PRETTY PRECISE FOR A "ROUGHLY." 96 00:04:27,533 --> 00:04:30,937 WHY NOT JUST SAY "20 MINUTES?" AMERICANS CAN HANDLE AN EXTRA 97 00:04:31,004 --> 00:04:31,938 TWO MINUTES. 98 00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:32,872 WE'RE IN FRONT OF THE TV ANYWAY. 99 00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:34,374 WE LIVE THERE NOW. 100 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:36,876 BUT I SUPPOSE IT'S EASY TO BE THAT PRECISE WHEN YOU KNOW THE 101 00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:39,612 PRESIDENT IS ACTUALLY GOING TO READ THE SCRIPT AND NOT GO ON 102 00:04:39,679 --> 00:04:43,916 TANGENTS ABOUT HOW HARD IT IS TO USE A LOW-FLO TOILET ON A SEX 103 00:04:43,983 --> 00:04:49,822 BOAT. 104 00:04:49,889 --> 00:04:51,624 AIDES SAID THAT THE SPEECH WOULD PAY TRIBUTE TO THE SACRIFICES 105 00:04:51,691 --> 00:04:54,994 AMERICANS HAVE MADE DURING THE PANDEMIC, WHILE PREVIEWING A 106 00:04:55,061 --> 00:05:00,500 COMING RETURN TO SOME SENSE OF NORMALCY. 107 00:05:00,566 --> 00:05:06,539 SOUNDS NICE, BUT WHAT THE HELL CONSTITUTES NORMALCY? 108 00:05:06,606 --> 00:05:09,042 EVEN BEFORE COVID, THERE WAS SYSTEMIC RACISM, GLOBAL WARMING, 109 00:05:09,108 --> 00:05:10,610 HALF OF US HEARD "YANNI," HALF OF US HEARD "LAUREL"! 110 00:05:10,677 --> 00:05:13,079 THIS WORLD IS CHAOS! 111 00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,947 OUR NEW PRESIDENT IS DOING ALL HE CAN TO GET VACCINES INTO AS 112 00:05:15,014 --> 00:05:17,116 MANY ARMS AS POSSIBLE. 113 00:05:17,183 --> 00:05:19,085 AND HE'S GETTING HELP FROM HIS PREDECESSORS WITH THIS NEW 114 00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:21,888 PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT. 115 00:05:21,954 --> 00:05:24,157 >> RIGHT NOW, THE COVID-19 VACCINES ARE AVAILABLE TO 116 00:05:24,223 --> 00:05:26,759 MILLIONS OF AMERICANS. 117 00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:30,096 AND SOON, THEY WILL BE AVAILABLE TO EVERYONE. 118 00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:31,964 >> THIS VACCINE MEANS HOPE. 119 00:05:32,031 --> 00:05:34,967 IT WILL PROTECT YOU AND THOSE YOU LOVE FROM THIS DANGEROUS AND 120 00:05:35,034 --> 00:05:39,839 DEADLY DISEASE. 121 00:05:39,906 --> 00:05:41,541 >> I WANT TO GO BACK TO WORK AND I WANT TO BE ABLE TO MOVE 122 00:05:41,607 --> 00:05:43,342 AROUND. 123 00:05:43,409 --> 00:05:45,311 >> TO VISIT WITH MICHELLE'S MOM. 124 00:05:45,378 --> 00:05:47,480 TO HUG HER, SEE HER ON HER BIRTHDAY. 125 00:05:47,547 --> 00:05:49,615 >> YOU KNOW WHAT I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IS GOING TO 126 00:05:49,682 --> 00:05:55,054 OPENING DAY IN TEXAS RANGERS STADIUM WITH A FULL STADIUM. 127 00:05:55,121 --> 00:05:57,356 >> Stephen: THAT'S REALLY LOVELY. 128 00:05:57,423 --> 00:06:00,026 I THINK IT'S GREAT THE FORMER PRESIDENTS CAN COME 129 00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:05,498 OUT AND DO THAT AD, BUT KIND OF AN INTERESTING CHOICE FOR "W." 130 00:06:05,565 --> 00:06:06,432 "YOU LOSERS. 131 00:06:06,499 --> 00:06:08,501 WHO CARES ABOUT WORK OR HUGGING YOUR MOTHER? 132 00:06:08,568 --> 00:06:10,536 I WANT TO GO TO THE BALLGAME, SO I CAN GET A COMPLIMENTARY 133 00:06:10,603 --> 00:06:14,173 CHILD-SIZE COWBOY HAT FILLED WITH ICE CREAM AND HOT FUDGE. 134 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,809 FIRST, YOU EAT THE ICE CREAM OUT OF THE COWBOY HAT AND YOU GET TO 135 00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:18,177 TAKE THE COWBOY HAT HOME. 136 00:06:18,244 --> 00:06:21,347 THEN I'LL PUT MY LITTLE COWBOY HAT ON A BOBBLE-HEAD THAT WILL 137 00:06:21,414 --> 00:06:23,783 ACT AS A SCARECROW TO FRIGHTEN OFF MICE WHO TRY TO EAT THE 138 00:06:23,850 --> 00:06:28,721 REMAINING HOT FUDGE FROM MY COWBOY HAT. 139 00:06:28,788 --> 00:06:31,657 IF I'M AMONG THE FIRST 15,000 IN THE STADIUM, I'LL ALSO GET A 140 00:06:31,724 --> 00:06:34,026 MINIATURE SOUVENIR LOUISVILLE SLUGGER THAT I CAN BOP THE MICE 141 00:06:34,093 --> 00:06:36,496 ON THE HEADS WITH. 142 00:06:36,562 --> 00:06:42,401 IT'S A W.M.D.: WEAPON OF MOUSE DESTRUCTION." 143 00:06:42,468 --> 00:06:44,170 BOP BOP! 144 00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:53,346 BOP BOP! I'VE WORKED ON THAT IMPRESSION FOR YEARS. 145 00:06:53,412 --> 00:06:54,814 BUT THERE'S SOMEONE WE'RE NOT MISSING FROM THIS P.S.A. 146 00:06:54,881 --> 00:06:58,484 BECAUSE THE AD FEATURES GEORGE W. BUSH, BARACK OBAMA, BILL 147 00:06:58,551 --> 00:06:59,719 CLINTON, EVEN JIMMY CARTER. 148 00:06:59,786 --> 00:07:02,488 BUT THERE'S NO SIGN OF THE LAST GUY. 149 00:07:02,555 --> 00:07:05,358 MAYBE HIS INVITE GOT LOST IN THE MAIL. 150 00:07:05,424 --> 00:07:08,327 BECAUSE HE DESTROYED THE POSTAL SERVICE. 151 00:07:08,394 --> 00:07:12,064 OL' 45 WAS LEFT OUT OF THE POTUS P.S.A. PARTY, BUT HE DID PUT OUT 152 00:07:12,131 --> 00:07:14,100 HIS OWN STATEMENT ABOUT THE VACCINE. 153 00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:18,137 "I HOPE THAT EVERYONE REMEMBERS WHEN THEY'RE GETTING THE 154 00:07:18,204 --> 00:07:20,173 COVID-19-- OFTEN REFERRED TO AS THE CHINA VIRUS-- VACCINE, THAT 155 00:07:20,239 --> 00:07:23,409 IF I WASN'T PRESIDENT, YOU WOULDN'T BE GETTING THAT 156 00:07:23,476 --> 00:07:25,945 BEAUTIFUL SHOT FOR FIVE YEARS, AT BEST, AND PROBABLY WOULDN'T 157 00:07:26,012 --> 00:07:27,480 BE GETTING IT AT ALL. 158 00:07:27,547 --> 00:07:33,986 I HOPE EVERYONE REMEMBERS!" FIRST OF ALL, UNBELIEVABLY SAD. 159 00:07:34,053 --> 00:07:36,189 SECOND, ALSO PATHETIC. 160 00:07:36,255 --> 00:07:38,491 THIRD, HOW DID WE EVEN FIND OUT ABOUT THIS? 161 00:07:38,558 --> 00:07:41,527 HE CAN'T TWEET THIS STUFF! 162 00:07:41,594 --> 00:07:43,496 DID HE JUST PRINT IT OUT AND STAPLE IT TO TELEPHONE POLES 163 00:07:43,563 --> 00:07:45,665 AROUND PALM BEACH? 164 00:07:45,731 --> 00:07:48,568 HE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE JUST RELEASED "EX-PREZ WILL TAKE 165 00:07:48,634 --> 00:07:54,941 CREDIT... AND TEACH YOU GUITAR!" WE BANNED HIM FROM TWITTER. 166 00:07:55,007 --> 00:07:56,843 CAN WE BAN HIM FROM PAPER? 167 00:07:56,909 --> 00:07:58,444 IS THAT POSSIBLE? 168 00:07:58,511 --> 00:07:59,779 ONE CHINESE ENTREPRENEUR IS DOING EVERYTHING HE CAN TO MAKE 169 00:07:59,846 --> 00:08:01,447 SURE THE WORLD NEVER FORGETS OUR FORMER PRESIDENT. 170 00:08:01,514 --> 00:08:06,652 BECAUSE HE'S SELLING A STATUE OF HIM POSED LIKE THE BUDDHA. 171 00:08:06,719 --> 00:08:08,487 NOW, YOU MIGHT SAY HE'S NOTHING LIKE BUDDHA, BUT AFTER FOUR 172 00:08:08,554 --> 00:08:12,058 YEARS, HE DID CONVINCE ME THAT LIFE IS SUFFERING. 173 00:08:12,124 --> 00:08:16,629 THE STATUE DEPICTS THE FORMER PRESIDENT, HANDS FOLDED IN HIS 174 00:08:16,696 --> 00:08:19,465 LAP, THUMBS POINTING OUTWARDS, A POSE FROM BUDDHIST ART THAT 175 00:08:19,532 --> 00:08:23,970 SIGNIFIES MEDITATION AND CONTEMPLATION. 176 00:08:24,036 --> 00:08:26,305 WHILE IN REAL LIFE, IT'S A POSE THAT SIGNIFIES, HE'S GOT HIS 177 00:08:26,372 --> 00:08:29,375 HANDS NEAR HIS CROTCH, GET OUT OF THERE! 178 00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:32,545 ONE THING THE SCULPTOR DID GET RIGHT IS THE ATTIRE. 179 00:08:32,612 --> 00:08:38,317 OUR FORMER PRESIDENT IS FAMOUS FOR HOW GOOD HE LOOKS IN A ROBE. 180 00:08:38,384 --> 00:08:41,587 TODAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN SIGNED HIS COVID RELIEF BILL THAT GIVES 181 00:08:41,654 --> 00:08:44,624 MILLIONS OF AMERICANS $1,400 CHECKS, AND ACCORDING TO WHITE 182 00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:47,894 HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY JEN PSAKI, PEOPLE COULD START SEEING THAT 183 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,529 SWEET CASH VERY SOON. 184 00:08:50,596 --> 00:08:52,431 >> SINCE THE TREASURY DEPARTMENT-- THE DEPARTMENT OF 185 00:08:52,498 --> 00:08:54,767 TREASURY, AND THE I.R.S. ARE WORKING HARD TO GET RELIEF 186 00:08:54,834 --> 00:08:57,870 PAYMENTS OUT THE DOOR AS FAST AS POSSIBLE TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, 187 00:08:57,937 --> 00:09:02,208 PEOPLE CAN EXPECT TO START SEEING DIRECT DEPOSITS HIT THEIR 188 00:09:02,275 --> 00:09:04,777 BANK ACCOUNTS AS EARLY AS THIS WEEKEND. 189 00:09:04,844 --> 00:09:06,412 >> STEPHEN: SO, AMERICANS, DON'T WORRY. 190 00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:08,381 YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE YOUR BAIL MONEY IN TIME FOR ST. PATRICK'S 191 00:09:08,447 --> 00:09:10,716 DAY. 192 00:09:10,783 --> 00:09:16,822 THE PLAN IS WILDLY POPULAR, SUPPORTED BY 75% OF AMERICANS. 193 00:09:16,889 --> 00:09:19,926 NOTHING IS POPULAR WITH 75% OF AMERICANS, OTHER THAN MELTED 194 00:09:19,992 --> 00:09:26,465 CHEESE, TOM HANKS, AND MELTED CHEESE ON TOM HANKS. 195 00:09:26,532 --> 00:09:29,402 AND THE ENORMOUS POPULARITY OF THIS BILL IS A PROBLEM FOR THE 196 00:09:29,468 --> 00:09:35,241 G.O.P., BECAUSE IT RECEIVED ZERO REPUBLICAN SUPPORT. 197 00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:37,877 IT'S THE WORST POLITICAL DECISION SINCE THE WHIGS OPPOSED 198 00:09:37,944 --> 00:09:42,915 THE ICE CREAM AND ORGASMS ACT OF 1824. 199 00:09:42,982 --> 00:09:48,354 I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM, ALSO ICE CREAM. 200 00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:50,756 BUT JUST BECAUSE YOU FIGHT LIKE HELL TO STOP SOMETHING, DOESN'T 201 00:09:50,823 --> 00:09:52,959 MEAN YOU CAN'T TAKE CREDIT FOR IT. 202 00:09:53,025 --> 00:09:55,094 JUST ASK MISSISSIPPI SENATOR AND MAN REMEMBERING WHERE HE LEFT 203 00:09:55,161 --> 00:09:58,064 HIS TEETH, ROGER WICKER. 204 00:09:58,130 --> 00:10:03,869 HOURS AFTER THE BILL HE OPPOSED PASSED, WICKER TWEETED, 205 00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:08,941 "INDEPENDENT RESTAURANT OPERATORS HAVE WON $28.6 BILLION 206 00:10:09,008 --> 00:10:10,943 WORTH OF TARGETED RELIEF. 207 00:10:11,010 --> 00:10:13,179 THIS FUNDING WILL ENSURE SMALL BUSINESSES CAN SURVIVE THE 208 00:10:13,245 --> 00:10:15,614 PANDEMIC BY HELPING TO ADAPT THEIR OPERATIONS AND KEEP THEIR 209 00:10:15,681 --> 00:10:17,950 EMPLOYEES ON THE PAYROLL." 210 00:10:18,017 --> 00:10:20,486 WHEN REPORTERS CALLED HIM ON HIS CRAP, WICKER FIRED BACK, "ONE 211 00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:24,924 GOOD PROVISION IN A $1.9 TRILLION BILL DOESN'T MEAN I 212 00:10:24,991 --> 00:10:27,059 HAVE TO VOTE FOR THE WHOLE THING." 213 00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:28,861 COUNTERPOINT-- YEAH, IT DOES. 214 00:10:28,928 --> 00:10:30,596 YOU CAN'T HAVE THE PART OF THE BILL YOU LIKE UNLESS YOU VOTE 215 00:10:30,663 --> 00:10:32,331 FOR THE REST OF IT. 216 00:10:32,398 --> 00:10:34,767 THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T HEAR THIS AT A WEDDING: 217 00:10:34,834 --> 00:10:36,802 "DO YOU PROMISE TO TAKE THIS WOMAN AS YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED 218 00:10:36,869 --> 00:10:38,571 WIFE? 219 00:10:38,637 --> 00:10:41,607 FOR RICHER OR POORER, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, TILL 220 00:10:41,674 --> 00:10:45,211 DEATH DO YOU PART?" "UH, I'LL TAKE 'RICHER' AND 221 00:10:45,277 --> 00:10:49,215 'HEALTH,' PLEASE." 222 00:10:49,281 --> 00:10:51,450 FINALLY, IN INTERNATIONAL NEWS, THERE'S A HOT NEW CLIP FROM A 223 00:10:51,517 --> 00:10:54,687 SPORTS BROADCAST ON ESPN COLOMBIA. 224 00:10:54,754 --> 00:10:57,890 MY FAVORITE OF ALL THE SPORTS CHANNELS I DON'T WATCH. 225 00:10:57,957 --> 00:11:00,893 NOW, BEFORE YOU SEE THIS, I NEED TO PREPARE YOU BY INTRODUCING 226 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:07,633 OUR BELOVED SEGMENT: "KEEP IN MIND: EVERYONE'S FINE!" 227 00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:09,869 >> I'M OKAY! 228 00:11:09,935 --> 00:11:12,371 >> STEPHEN: HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: ON TUESDAY NIGHT, AN 229 00:11:12,438 --> 00:11:17,209 ENTIRE WALL CAME CRASHING DOWN ON JOURNALIST CARLOS ORDUZ 230 00:11:17,276 --> 00:11:22,081 DURING THE SOCCER SHOW "ESPN-FC RADIO." 231 00:11:22,148 --> 00:11:23,783 I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THE FOOTAGE NOW, AND KEEP IN MIND, 232 00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:26,185 EVERYONE'S FINE! 233 00:11:26,252 --> 00:11:27,720 SO HERE'S THE SHOW. 234 00:11:27,787 --> 00:11:30,056 JUST SOME REGULAR SOCCER REPORTING, ORDUZ IS ON THE LEFT 235 00:11:30,122 --> 00:11:37,396 THERE, AND, OH MY GOD! 236 00:11:37,463 --> 00:11:45,204 "WALL!" AGAIN, ORDUZ IS FINE. 237 00:11:45,271 --> 00:11:47,339 AND ON THE UPSIDE: HE CAN NOW ENTER ANY ROOM HE WANTS JUST BY 238 00:11:47,406 --> 00:11:50,209 SLIDING UNDERNEATH THE DOOR. 239 00:11:50,276 --> 00:11:52,678 THE BEST PART IS WHAT HAPPENS AFTER ORDUZ GETS HIT. 240 00:11:52,745 --> 00:12:00,586 CHECK OUT HOW THE HOST OF THE SHOW REACTS: 241 00:12:00,653 --> 00:12:06,425 ( SPEAKING SPANISH ) >> STEPHEN: THAT IS 242 00:12:08,494 --> 00:12:10,062 PROFESSIONALISM, FOLKS. 243 00:12:10,129 --> 00:12:14,900 SOMETHING THAT ALL OF US IN THE INDUSTRY CAN ASPIRE TO. 244 00:12:14,967 --> 00:12:16,535 MARK, CHRIS, IF THE CEILING CAME AND CRUSHED EITHER ONE OF YOU, I 245 00:12:16,602 --> 00:12:20,873 WOULDN'T BLINK. 246 00:12:20,940 --> 00:12:22,374 LET'S DIG INTO THIS STORY. 247 00:12:22,441 --> 00:12:25,578 FOR MORE, WE TURN TO MY WRITER FELIPE TORRES MEDINA, WHO IS 248 00:12:25,644 --> 00:12:26,912 ACTUALLY FROM COLOMBIA. 249 00:12:26,979 --> 00:12:28,380 HI, FELIPE! 250 00:12:28,447 --> 00:12:29,615 >> HI, STEVE! 251 00:12:29,682 --> 00:12:32,184 >> STEPHEN: OKAY, SO, THAT REACTION WAS AMAZING. 252 00:12:32,251 --> 00:12:34,753 DOES THIS KIND OF THING HAPPEN A LOT IN COLOMBIAN SPORTS 253 00:12:34,820 --> 00:12:36,155 REPORTING? 254 00:12:36,222 --> 00:12:38,824 >> NO, STEVE. 255 00:12:38,891 --> 00:12:41,694 BUT ORDUZ-- THE GUY WHO GOT HIT BY THE WALL-- HE KEPT HIS COOL. 256 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:43,829 HE DIDN'T EVEN CURSE. 257 00:12:43,896 --> 00:12:50,569 SEE, NORMALLY, WHEN A COLOMBIAN STUBS THEIR TOE OR SOMETHING, 258 00:12:50,636 --> 00:12:52,571 THE REACTION IS "HIJUEPUTA!" WHICH BASICALLY MEANS "SON OF A 259 00:12:52,638 --> 00:12:56,742 WHORE!" BUT ORDUZ SAID, "HIJUEMADRE," 260 00:12:56,809 --> 00:12:57,943 WHICH MEANS SON OF A MOTHER! 261 00:12:58,010 --> 00:13:00,513 >> STEPHEN: OH, SO HE KEPT IT P.G. 262 00:13:00,579 --> 00:13:03,549 >> TECHNICALLY, "P.G." 263 00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:05,151 >> STEPHEN: AND JUST TO BE CLEAR, ORDUZ IS PERFECTLY FINE, 264 00:13:05,217 --> 00:13:06,886 RIGHT? 265 00:13:06,952 --> 00:13:07,987 >> ABSOLUTELY, STEPHEN. 266 00:13:08,053 --> 00:13:09,755 NOT A SCRATCH. 267 00:13:09,822 --> 00:13:11,924 HE'S DOING GRUUUUGH... 268 00:13:11,991 --> 00:13:12,992 MOTHER DUCKLING! 269 00:13:13,058 --> 00:13:14,360 >> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 270 00:13:14,426 --> 00:13:17,930 I'LL BE TALKING TO BILLY CRYSTAL AND AARON PAUL. 271 00:13:17,997 --> 00:13:20,599 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!" 272 00:13:20,666 --> 00:13:22,668 STICK AROUND. 273 00:13:49,028 --> 00:13:49,962 ♪♪♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK TO "A 274 00:13:50,029 --> 00:13:51,197 LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY. 275 00:13:51,263 --> 00:13:54,567 LET'S CHECK IN REAL QUICK WITH A MAN I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR LIVE 276 00:13:54,633 --> 00:13:54,967 AGAIN, MR. JON BATISTE. 277 00:13:55,034 --> 00:13:55,768 HELLO, JON. 278 00:13:55,834 --> 00:13:58,971 >> Jon: HELLO, STEPHEN. 279 00:13:59,038 --> 00:14:00,139 WHOO, MY GOODNESS, A WHOLE YEAR. 280 00:14:00,206 --> 00:14:02,908 >> Stephen: A WHOLE YEAR AGO TOORNT I SAW YOU FOR THE LAST 281 00:14:02,975 --> 00:14:03,342 TIME. 282 00:14:03,409 --> 00:14:04,543 >> Jon: I KNOW. 283 00:14:04,610 --> 00:14:11,917 >> Stephen: I GOT ON MY HOVER CRAFT AND LEFT THE ROOF OF THE 284 00:14:11,984 --> 00:14:14,920 THEATER THEATER, AND YOU GOT INTO A PNEUMATIC TUBE AND WERE 285 00:14:14,987 --> 00:14:16,922 SHOT OVER TO BROOKLYN. 286 00:14:16,989 --> 00:14:17,990 >> Jon: YES. 287 00:14:18,057 --> 00:14:20,059 YOU KNOW, YOU'VE GOT TO PROTECT YOURSELF OUT THERE. 288 00:14:20,125 --> 00:14:21,927 IT'S A NEW AGE. 289 00:14:21,994 --> 00:14:24,163 >> Stephen: YOU DO. 290 00:14:24,230 --> 00:14:27,666 WELL, DO YOU HAVE A FIRST SONG YOU WANT TO PLAY WHEN YOU'RE 291 00:14:27,733 --> 00:14:28,934 BACK IN FRONT OF THE AUDIENCE? 292 00:14:29,001 --> 00:14:33,772 >> Jon: OH, YEAH, ACTUALLY. 293 00:14:33,839 --> 00:14:34,640 UH... 294 00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:42,514 ♪♪♪ ( PLAYING IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND 295 00:14:42,581 --> 00:14:52,191 YOU KNOW IT ) >> Stephen: JON BATISTE, 296 00:14:52,258 --> 00:14:52,891 EVERYBODY. 297 00:14:52,958 --> 00:14:54,059 I HOPE YOU GET TO PLAY IT SOON. 298 00:14:54,126 --> 00:14:57,363 THANK YOU, JON. 299 00:14:57,429 --> 00:14:59,164 YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME CAREFULLY DESIGNING AND SEWING 300 00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:02,534 THE NEWSIEST KIMONOS OUT OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, TOPICAL SILK, 301 00:15:02,601 --> 00:15:06,071 THEN METICULOUSLY GRINDING AND APPLYING KUMADORI MAKE-UP, ALL 302 00:15:06,138 --> 00:15:07,873 TO STAGE FOR YOU THE ELABORATE KABUKI PERFORMANCE THAT IS MY 303 00:15:07,940 --> 00:15:11,443 MONOLOGUE. 304 00:15:11,510 --> 00:15:13,646 BUT SOMETIMES, I ROUST MY WIFE AND NEIGHBORS AT 3:00 A.M., DOWN 305 00:15:13,712 --> 00:15:18,417 A PICKLE JAR OF FLAT WHITE CLAW I SAVE FOR MY "SPECIAL NIGHTS," 306 00:15:18,484 --> 00:15:20,653 SHOVE EVERYONE INTO MY LIVING ROOM WITH NOTHING BUT THEIR 307 00:15:20,719 --> 00:15:23,289 PAJAMAS AND A BOX OF WIGS I STOLE FROM A FUNERAL HOME, AND 308 00:15:23,355 --> 00:15:26,258 FORCE THEM INTO THE INEBRIATED CHARADES THUNDERDOME OF NEWS 309 00:15:26,325 --> 00:15:33,732 THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINEWHILE!" 310 00:15:33,799 --> 00:15:36,302 QUARANTINE-WHILE, THIS WEEKEND, "NEW YORK CITY'S VERY OWN NAKED 311 00:15:36,368 --> 00:15:40,606 COWBOY WAS ARRESTED FOR PANHANDLING IN FLORIDA." 312 00:15:40,673 --> 00:15:44,076 AUTHORITIES APPROACHED HIM WHEN THEY NOTICED PEOPLE WERE PLACING 313 00:15:44,143 --> 00:15:45,644 MONEY INSIDE THE SOUNDHOLE OF HIS GUITAR. 314 00:15:45,711 --> 00:15:47,780 A WARNING TO MY VIEWERS. 315 00:15:47,846 --> 00:15:49,782 IF THIS MAN APPROACHES YOU AND ASKS YOU TO STUFF THINGS IN HIS 316 00:15:49,848 --> 00:15:53,886 SOUNDHOLE, DO NOT ENGAGE. 317 00:15:53,952 --> 00:15:56,689 QUARANTINE-WHILE, "DISNEY+ HAS REMOVED ACCESS TO CLASSIC MOVIES 318 00:15:56,755 --> 00:16:00,893 LIKE 'DUMBO' AND 'PETER PAN' FROM MENUS FOR CHILDREN UNDER 319 00:16:00,959 --> 00:16:03,562 SEVEN YEARS OLD BECAUSE THEY CONTAIN RACIST STEREOTYPES." 320 00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:05,130 SO... 321 00:16:05,197 --> 00:16:09,268 CONGRATULATIONS, EIGHT-YEAR-OLDS? 322 00:16:09,335 --> 00:16:11,303 DISNEY KNOWS WHERE TO DRAWN THE LINE. 323 00:16:11,370 --> 00:16:13,005 BY THE WAY, IF YOU'RE VISITING THE MAGIC KINGDOM, DON'T EVEN 324 00:16:13,072 --> 00:16:18,377 TRY TO ORDER A MOJITO UNTIL YOU'RE 12. 325 00:16:18,444 --> 00:16:22,915 QUARANTINE-WHILE, "ONE OF THE WORLD'S LARGEST SWARMS OF GIANT 326 00:16:22,981 --> 00:16:26,719 CICADAS IS READY TO RISE BY THE BILLIONS." 327 00:16:26,785 --> 00:16:28,921 WELL, THAT'S THE MOST TERRIFYING COMBINATION OF WORDS I'VE HEARD 328 00:16:28,987 --> 00:16:30,189 IN A WHILE. 329 00:16:30,255 --> 00:16:32,725 THE CICADAS ARE SET TO STORM THE EASTERN U.S. AT DENSITIES UP TO 330 00:16:32,791 --> 00:16:35,661 1.5 MILLION PER ACRE. 331 00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:38,197 BUT IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT FLEETS OF GIANT INSECTS COMING 332 00:16:38,263 --> 00:16:40,999 TO EAT YOU, TAKE HEART. 333 00:16:41,066 --> 00:16:43,502 THEY CAME TO HUMP, AND THAT'S IT. 334 00:16:43,569 --> 00:16:45,738 AFTER 17 YEARS UNDERGROUND, EXPERTS SAY "THEY WILL DO IT IN 335 00:16:45,804 --> 00:16:47,973 TREES, ON YOUR PATIO, YOUR PORCH, YOUR YARD, YOUR ROOF AND 336 00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:50,876 YOUR CAR." 337 00:16:50,943 --> 00:16:55,147 THE WORST DR. SEUSS BOOK EVER: "HORTON HEARS A WHO-LE BUNCH OF 338 00:16:55,214 --> 00:16:56,482 BUGS HAVING SEX." 339 00:16:56,548 --> 00:16:57,182 "YOU'LL HEAR THEM NEAR. 340 00:16:57,249 --> 00:16:58,317 YOU'LL HEAR THEM FAR. 341 00:16:58,384 --> 00:17:01,453 YOU'LL HEAR THEM BONING ON YOUR CAR." 342 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:06,058 QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN FINLAND, SCIENTISTS JUST UNVEILED 343 00:17:06,125 --> 00:17:09,161 SOMETHING CALLED "NETFLIX FOR MONKEYS." 344 00:17:09,228 --> 00:17:12,364 OR, AS IT'S ALSO KNOWN: "NETFLIX." 345 00:17:12,431 --> 00:17:15,901 THIS NEW PRIMATE STREAMING SERVICE IS AN EXPERIMENT AT A 346 00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:18,971 ZOO IN HELSINKI, WHERE RESEARCHERS OUTFITTED THE 347 00:17:19,037 --> 00:17:21,974 WHITE-FACED SAKI MONKEY CAGE WITH A MONITOR WHERE THE ANIMALS 348 00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:25,043 CAN CHOOSE TO STREAM VIDEO FOOTAGE OF THINGS LIKE WORMS, 349 00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:27,646 SEA CREATURES, OTHER ZOO ANIMALS, FOREST SCENES, AND 350 00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:29,348 ABSTRACT ART. 351 00:17:29,415 --> 00:17:33,652 BECAUSE IF THERE ARE TWO THINGS I ASSOCIATE WITH MONKEYS, IT'S 352 00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:39,024 BANANAS, AND THEIR NUANCED APPRECIATION OF MARK ROTHKO. 353 00:17:39,091 --> 00:17:42,661 QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN "HEY, MAYBE DON'T DO THAT" NEWS, 354 00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:45,397 "100-MILLION-YEAR-OLD SEAFLOOR SEDIMENT BACTERIA HAVE BEEN 355 00:17:45,464 --> 00:17:46,832 RESUSCITATED." 356 00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:49,501 I'M SORRY, HAS THE CURRENT PANDEMIC LOST YOUR INTEREST? 357 00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:52,304 "I GROW BORED OF THIS CORONAVIRUS. 358 00:17:52,371 --> 00:17:55,474 UNLEASH THE CONTAGION OF THE ANCIENTS!" 359 00:17:55,541 --> 00:17:58,877 IT ALL STARTED WHEN "JAPANESE SCIENTISTS SAILED INTO THE SOUTH 360 00:17:58,944 --> 00:18:02,948 PACIFIC GYRE WITH A GIANT DRILL AND A BIG QUESTION." 361 00:18:03,015 --> 00:18:05,451 "HOW CAN WE SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF EVERYONE?" 362 00:18:05,517 --> 00:18:10,389 THEY DROPPED THEIR GIANT DRILL 20,000 FEET INTO THE PACIFIC AND 363 00:18:10,456 --> 00:18:14,092 TOOK CORE SAMPLES CONTAINING THE 100-MILLION-YEAR-OLD BACTERIAL 364 00:18:14,159 --> 00:18:17,463 CELLS, AND "WHEN GIVEN FOOD, MOST OF THEM QUICKLY REVIVED, 365 00:18:17,529 --> 00:18:19,631 WHICH THE SCIENTISTS DID NOT EXPECT." 366 00:18:19,698 --> 00:18:20,999 OH, GOOD. 367 00:18:21,066 --> 00:18:23,802 THE LAST THING I WOULD WANT IS FOR THE SCIENTISTS REANIMATING A 368 00:18:23,869 --> 00:18:27,573 PRIMORDIAL ENTITY TO KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING. 369 00:18:27,639 --> 00:18:29,708 ACCORDING TO THIS RESEARCH, "EVIDENCE MOUNTS THAT BACTERIA 370 00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:36,448 CAN BE EFFECTIVELY IMMORTAL." 371 00:18:36,515 --> 00:18:37,149 OKAY. 372 00:18:37,216 --> 00:18:46,959 LET'S SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE... 373 00:18:47,025 --> 00:18:49,828 PRIMEVAL, YES. 374 00:18:49,895 --> 00:18:53,432 INFECTIOUS, YES. 375 00:18:53,499 --> 00:18:55,434 UNEXPECTEDLY REVIVED, YES. 376 00:18:55,501 --> 00:18:59,304 AND IMMORTAL, GOTCHA. 377 00:18:59,371 --> 00:19:00,439 GLOBAL EXTINCTION BINGO! 378 00:19:00,506 --> 00:19:01,173 I WIN A TATTERED CANVAS TO HUDDLE UNDER AGAINST THE BLOOD 379 00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:02,641 STORMS. 380 00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:03,876 OH AND F.Y.I., THE LOCATION THEY CHOSE FOR THIS DRILLING WAS-- 381 00:19:03,942 --> 00:19:05,444 YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS-- "THE SO-CALLED OCEANIC POLE OF 382 00:19:05,511 --> 00:19:09,715 INACCESSIBILITY, MADE FAMOUS BY H.P. LOVECRAFT AS THE HOME OF 383 00:19:09,781 --> 00:19:10,415 THE BE-TENTACLED CTHULHU." 384 00:19:10,482 --> 00:19:11,283 OKAY. 385 00:19:11,350 --> 00:19:13,118 THAT'S IT. 386 00:19:13,185 --> 00:19:14,953 I'M OUT. 387 00:19:15,020 --> 00:19:16,188 I'VE SEEN "PACIFIC RIM." 388 00:19:16,255 --> 00:19:17,589 I KNOW WHAT COMES NEXT. 389 00:19:17,656 --> 00:19:19,458 YOU'RE GOING TO BUILD A BIG ROBOT TO PUNCH CTHULU IN THE 390 00:19:19,525 --> 00:19:20,225 FACE. 391 00:19:20,292 --> 00:19:21,860 JUST DO ME A FAVOR. 392 00:19:21,927 --> 00:19:25,731 IF YOU'RE EXPENDING THOSE RESOURCES, BUILD YOUR ROBOT 393 00:19:25,797 --> 00:19:29,234 BIGGER THAN THE MONSTER YOU'RE PUNCHING, YOU DINGUSES. 394 00:19:29,301 --> 00:19:31,303 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BILLY CRYSTAL. 395 00:19:45,984 --> 00:19:47,653 WELCOME BACK. 396 00:19:47,719 --> 00:19:48,921 YOU KNOW, ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT 397 00:19:48,987 --> 00:19:51,924 DOING THIS SHOW IS GETTING TO TALK TO ALL SORTS OF FASCINATING 398 00:19:51,990 --> 00:19:53,091 PEOPLE. 399 00:19:53,158 --> 00:19:56,929 BUT IT'S HARD TO FULLY EXPLORE A GUEST'S PSYCHE IN JUST TEN 400 00:19:56,995 --> 00:19:58,096 MINUTES OVER ZOOM. 401 00:19:58,163 --> 00:20:01,333 WHICH IS WHY WE HERE AT THE LATE SHOW CREATED "THE COLBERT 402 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:02,935 QUESTIONERT." 403 00:20:03,001 --> 00:20:05,437 IT'S A SERIES OF 15 QUESTIONS SCIENTIFICALLY CALIBRATED TO 404 00:20:05,504 --> 00:20:08,974 REVEAL A PERSON'S TRUEST SELF: EVERYTHING FROM YOUR PRIMAL 405 00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:11,109 FEARS TO YOUR FAVORITE SANDWICH TO THE SANDWICH YOU'RE MOST 406 00:20:11,176 --> 00:20:14,947 AFRAID OF. 407 00:20:15,013 --> 00:20:18,884 AND I RECENTLY HAD THE PLEASURE OF ADMINISTERING THE QUESTIONERT 408 00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:21,153 TO HOLLYWOOD LEGEND BILLY CRYSTAL. 409 00:20:21,219 --> 00:20:25,924 FORGET "WHEN HARRY MET SALLY"-- THIS IS "WHEN HARRY MET BILLY." 410 00:20:25,991 --> 00:20:33,498 ♪♪♪ BILLY CRYSTAL, LOVELY TO HAVE 411 00:20:33,565 --> 00:20:35,267 YOU HERE. 412 00:20:35,334 --> 00:20:37,603 ALWAYS ENJOY. 413 00:20:37,669 --> 00:20:40,906 AS I'VE ALWAYS SAID, A VACATION TO TALK TO YOU. 414 00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:43,642 ONE TO HAVE THE PROBLEMS WITH THESE JOBS IS YOU GET TO MEET A 415 00:20:43,709 --> 00:20:48,947 LOT OF PEOPLE, BUT IT'S HARD TO PLUNGE THE DEPTHS AND REVEAL THE 416 00:20:49,014 --> 00:20:51,883 SOUL OF THE PEOPLE YOU'RE TALKING TO BUT I HAVE COME UP 417 00:20:51,950 --> 00:21:02,661 WITH A FOOLPROOF QUESTION QUESTI ON FUNK AND WAG NAIL'S POMP. 418 00:21:02,728 --> 00:21:05,931 SINCE NOON TODAY, I'LL ASK YOU THESE 15 QUESTIONS. 419 00:21:05,998 --> 00:21:09,368 BILLY CRYSTAL, WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH? 420 00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:11,303 >> PRESIDENT BUSH, JELLY, WHITE BREAD. 421 00:21:11,370 --> 00:21:13,705 >> Stephen: SIMPLE, CLASSY, I LIKE IT. 422 00:21:13,772 --> 00:21:18,410 WHAT'S THE ONE THING THAT YOU OWN THAT YOU REALLY SHOULD THROW 423 00:21:18,477 --> 00:21:22,848 OUT? 424 00:21:22,914 --> 00:21:24,016 >> HMM... 425 00:21:24,082 --> 00:21:24,583 OH... 426 00:21:24,650 --> 00:21:27,219 I GUESS MY BELL BOTTOMS. 427 00:21:27,285 --> 00:21:30,622 >> Stephen: DO YOU ACTUALLY HAVE BELL BOTTOMS? 428 00:21:30,689 --> 00:21:32,224 >> YEAH, I KEEP A LOT OF STUFF. 429 00:21:32,290 --> 00:21:37,929 >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE SCARIEST ANIMAL? 430 00:21:37,996 --> 00:21:42,267 >> THE SPITTING COBRA. 431 00:21:42,334 --> 00:21:46,238 >> Stephen: BECAUSE IT'S RUDE? 432 00:21:46,304 --> 00:21:48,006 NO, BECAUSE IT'S WEIRD. 433 00:21:48,073 --> 00:21:53,145 YOU KNOW, IT STANDS UP AND IT SPITS AND IF IT GETS IN YOUR 434 00:21:53,211 --> 00:21:55,647 EYES, YOU'RE BLIND, THEN IT KILLS. 435 00:21:55,714 --> 00:21:57,482 BUT, YEAH, IT'S ANY KIND OF SNAKE. 436 00:21:57,549 --> 00:22:01,019 WE HAD A RATTLESNAKE HERE NOT LONG AGO IN THE FRONT YARD, AND 437 00:22:01,086 --> 00:22:02,821 IT WAS REALLY TERRIFYING. 438 00:22:02,888 --> 00:22:03,555 SO, YEAH. 439 00:22:03,622 --> 00:22:06,058 >> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES? 440 00:22:06,124 --> 00:22:06,591 OH, APPLES. 441 00:22:06,658 --> 00:22:07,592 >> Stephen: OF COURSE. 442 00:22:07,659 --> 00:22:13,665 YOU CAN PUT PRESID PEANUT BUTTER SLICE OF APPLE. 443 00:22:13,732 --> 00:22:14,700 >> YEAH. 444 00:22:14,766 --> 00:22:15,033 >> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR 445 00:22:15,100 --> 00:22:15,500 AUTOGRAPH? 446 00:22:15,567 --> 00:22:19,938 >> OH, I STILL DO. 447 00:22:20,005 --> 00:22:21,173 >> Stephen: WHO'S THE LAST PERSON YOU ASKED? 448 00:22:21,239 --> 00:22:23,942 DO YOU HAVE ONE THAT COMES TO MIND, EVEN IF IT'S NOT THE EXACT 449 00:22:24,009 --> 00:22:24,509 LAST? 450 00:22:24,576 --> 00:22:26,545 >> THIS WAS INTERESTING. 451 00:22:26,611 --> 00:22:31,950 I WAS AT A CLEVELAND INDIANS/NEW YORK YANKEES PLAYOFF 452 00:22:32,017 --> 00:22:36,388 GAME AND I SAT NEXT TO A MAN NAMED LARRY DOBIE. 453 00:22:36,455 --> 00:22:41,960 LARRY DOBIE WAS THE FIRST AFRICAN-AMERICAN TO PLAY IN THE 454 00:22:42,027 --> 00:22:46,298 AMERICAN LEAGUE, WHEN JACKIE ROBINSON BROKE THE BARRIER WITH 455 00:22:46,364 --> 00:22:50,969 THE DODGERS, OF COURSE, LARRY DOBIE WAS BASICALLY BUZZ ALDRIN, 456 00:22:51,036 --> 00:22:53,972 WAS THE SECOND, AND HE PLAYED WITH THE CLEVELAND INDIANS. 457 00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:54,973 I HAPPENED TO SIT NEXT TO HIM. 458 00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:56,441 HE'S A VERY DISTINGUISHED MAN. 459 00:22:56,508 --> 00:22:59,478 I ASKED HIM TO SIGN A BALL AND HE DID. 460 00:22:59,544 --> 00:23:00,879 VERY LOVELY. 461 00:23:00,946 --> 00:23:11,990 >> Stephen: HANK AARON, YOU HAVE BASEBALL PLAYERS. 462 00:23:12,057 --> 00:23:13,692 >> I HAVE SO MANY. 463 00:23:13,759 --> 00:23:15,193 IT'S A BIG PASSION OF MINE. 464 00:23:15,260 --> 00:23:18,463 >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE? 465 00:23:18,530 --> 00:23:20,132 >> WE GO INTO SYNDICATION. 466 00:23:20,198 --> 00:23:23,869 >> Stephen: FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE? 467 00:23:23,935 --> 00:23:27,739 >> RAIDERS"RAIDERS OF THE LOST A >> Stephen: I'M GOING TO GO 468 00:23:27,806 --> 00:23:31,777 WITH YOU ON THAT ONE BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING LIKE MELTING 469 00:23:31,843 --> 00:23:33,678 NAZIS. 470 00:23:33,745 --> 00:23:41,019 ( LAUGHTER ) DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE SMELL? 471 00:23:41,086 --> 00:23:44,422 >> YES, MY NEWBORN BABIES. 472 00:23:44,489 --> 00:23:48,026 >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A LOT OF THOSE? 473 00:23:48,093 --> 00:23:49,961 SMELL DOESN'T LAST VERY LONG. 474 00:23:50,028 --> 00:23:53,198 YOU'VE GOT TO GET FRESH ONES ALL THE TIME. 475 00:23:53,265 --> 00:23:56,234 >> WHEN THEY WERE LITTLE, NOTHING LIKE THE BABY SMELL. 476 00:23:56,301 --> 00:23:58,336 >> Stephen: TOP TO HAVE THE HEAD. 477 00:23:58,403 --> 00:24:00,739 LEAST FAVORITE SMELL. 478 00:24:00,806 --> 00:24:01,907 >> MY NEWBORN BABIES. 479 00:24:01,973 --> 00:24:04,609 >> Stephen: GOT IT, THE OTHER END. 480 00:24:04,676 --> 00:24:05,510 >> YEAH. 481 00:24:05,577 --> 00:24:05,844 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: EXEFER SIZE, IS IT 482 00:24:05,911 --> 00:24:07,045 WORTH IT? 483 00:24:07,112 --> 00:24:08,180 >> SURE, ABSOLUTELY. 484 00:24:08,246 --> 00:24:10,816 >> Stephen: EVERY SINGLE PERSON I'VE ASKED THIS QUESTION 485 00:24:10,882 --> 00:24:14,920 HAS LIED. 486 00:24:14,986 --> 00:24:15,453 OKAY. 487 00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:18,390 FLAT OR SPARKLING? 488 00:24:18,456 --> 00:24:19,090 >> SPARKLING. 489 00:24:19,157 --> 00:24:20,358 >> Stephen: LET'S HAVE A PARTY. 490 00:24:20,425 --> 00:24:25,463 MOST USED APP ON YOUR PHONE? 491 00:24:25,530 --> 00:24:27,966 >> THERE'S TWO -- WELL, ALL RIGHT, CALM. 492 00:24:28,033 --> 00:24:30,502 >> Stephen: OH, THAT'S NICE. 493 00:24:30,569 --> 00:24:36,675 DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE -- IT PLAYS SOUNDS, RIGHT? 494 00:24:36,741 --> 00:24:40,679 >> THERE ARE SAYINGS, THERE IS MUSIC. 495 00:24:40,745 --> 00:24:43,849 I JUST STARTED THIS DURING THIS HORRIBLE TIME. 496 00:24:43,915 --> 00:24:47,252 JUST, LIKE, OOOH, WHAT IS THIS, AND I JUST PUT IT ON FOR A 497 00:24:47,319 --> 00:24:48,486 LITTLE BIT. 498 00:24:48,553 --> 00:24:50,856 >> Stephen: YOU GET TO LISTEN TO ONE SONG FOR THE REST OF YOUR 499 00:24:50,922 --> 00:24:56,561 LIFE, WHAT IS IT? 500 00:24:56,628 --> 00:25:00,665 >> WELL, WE WOULD JUST -- WE JUST HAD OUR 50th WEDDING 501 00:25:00,732 --> 00:25:01,199 ANNIVERSARY. 502 00:25:01,266 --> 00:25:03,501 >> Stephen: MAZEL TOV. 503 00:25:03,568 --> 00:25:05,670 THANK YOU. 504 00:25:05,737 --> 00:25:12,344 AND THE SONG WE DANCED TO IS A SONG CALLED "THAT'S ALL," 505 00:25:12,410 --> 00:25:14,980 RECORDED BY NAT KING COLE. 506 00:25:15,046 --> 00:25:18,250 ♪ I CAN ONLY GIVE YOU LOVE THAT LASTS FOREVER ♪ 507 00:25:18,316 --> 00:25:21,653 ♪ AND THE PROMISE TO BE NEAR EACH TIME YOU CALL ♪ 508 00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:27,792 ♪ AND A LOVE WHO'S BURNING BRIGHT CAN WARM A WINTER'S 509 00:25:27,859 --> 00:25:29,094 NIGHT ♪ ♪ THAT'S ALL ♪ 510 00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:30,929 >> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF. 511 00:25:30,996 --> 00:25:33,932 ♪ I CAN ONLY GIVE YOU WALKS IN SPRINGTIME AND A HAND TO HOLD 512 00:25:33,999 --> 00:25:35,734 WHEN LEAVES BEGIN TO FALL. 513 00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:41,940 >> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF? 514 00:25:42,007 --> 00:25:42,374 >> SEVEN. 515 00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:44,943 >> Stephen: NO. 516 00:25:45,010 --> 00:25:50,515 DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS. 517 00:25:50,582 --> 00:25:57,956 >> SEX, SEX, SEX, LAUGHS, SEX. 518 00:25:58,023 --> 00:26:00,025 >> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS, BILLY. 519 00:26:00,091 --> 00:26:01,893 >> HOW DID I DO? 520 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:04,796 YOU ARE FINALLY KNOWN. 521 00:26:04,863 --> 00:26:06,097 BILLY CRYSTAL, EVERYBODY. 522 00:26:06,164 --> 00:26:07,265 THANK YOU, SIR. 523 00:26:07,332 --> 00:26:08,266 >> GREAT TO BE WITH YOU AGAIN. 524 00:26:08,333 --> 00:26:11,736 >> Stephen: NICELY TO SEE YOU, TOO. 525 00:26:11,803 --> 00:26:16,908 ♪♪♪ THANKS AGAIN TO BILLY CRYSTAL. 526 00:26:16,975 --> 00:26:18,977 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH EMMY AWARD WINNING ACTOR AARON PAUL. 527 00:26:35,994 --> 00:26:37,929 GENTLEMEN. 528 00:26:37,996 --> 00:26:41,933 MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A THREE-TIME EMMY AWARD-WINNING ACTOR YOU 529 00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:43,568 KNOW FROM "BREAKING BAD," "WESTWORLD," AND "BOJACK 530 00:26:43,635 --> 00:26:45,937 HORSEMAN." 531 00:26:46,004 --> 00:26:47,939 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW," AARON PAUL! 532 00:26:48,006 --> 00:26:48,940 HELLO, AARON. 533 00:26:49,007 --> 00:26:50,342 >> HEY, MY FRIEND! 534 00:26:50,408 --> 00:26:53,011 SO GOOD TO SEE YOU, YOU BEAUTIFUL MAN! 535 00:26:53,078 --> 00:26:54,913 HEY, I WANT TO START THIS OFF. 536 00:26:54,980 --> 00:27:01,319 CAN I JUST CONGRATULATE YOU ON IN AND OF ITSELF ON HULU? 537 00:27:01,386 --> 00:27:05,090 I AM JUST SUCH A MASSIVE FAN OF DEREK'S VIDEO. 538 00:27:05,156 --> 00:27:07,225 >> Stephen: DEREK IS AMAZING. 539 00:27:07,292 --> 00:27:08,960 FRANK OZ DIRECTED IT WITH DEREK. 540 00:27:09,027 --> 00:27:10,228 IT'S AMAZING. 541 00:27:10,295 --> 00:27:14,966 IT'S KIND OF A MAGIC SHOW, BUT IT'S REALLY STORYTELLING AND 542 00:27:15,033 --> 00:27:16,267 IT'S TRUTH-TELLING. 543 00:27:16,334 --> 00:27:17,702 >> EXACTLY RIGHT. 544 00:27:17,769 --> 00:27:21,840 HE'S AN INCREDIBLE MUSICIAN BUT HE'S JUST SUCH A BEAUTIFUL STORY 545 00:27:21,906 --> 00:27:25,810 TELLER AND, YOU KNOW, HE TAKES YOU ON SUCH AN EMOTIONAL JOURNEY 546 00:27:25,877 --> 00:27:29,414 THAT YOU DIDN'T REALIZE THAT YOU KIND OF NEEDED AND WANTED. 547 00:27:29,481 --> 00:27:34,052 AND, SO, IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN "IN AND OF ITSELF," YOU HAVE TO 548 00:27:34,119 --> 00:27:34,886 CHECK IT OUT. 549 00:27:34,953 --> 00:27:36,621 IT'S BEEN OUT FOR MONTHS NOW. 550 00:27:36,688 --> 00:27:40,792 IT'S STILL 100% OF ROTTEN TOMATOES. 551 00:27:40,859 --> 00:27:47,465 .>> Stephen: I'M NOT PAYING HIM TO SAY THIS, BUT 100% ROTTEN 552 00:27:47,532 --> 00:27:48,166 TOMATOES. 553 00:27:48,233 --> 00:27:50,902 ARE YOU A FAN OF MAGIC YOURSELF? 554 00:27:50,969 --> 00:27:53,204 >> YEAH, AND WHO ISN'T A FAN OF MAGIC? 555 00:27:53,271 --> 00:27:54,506 YEAH, I LOVE MAGIC. 556 00:27:54,572 --> 00:27:56,841 >> Stephen: DO YOU DO ANY YOURSELF? 557 00:27:56,908 --> 00:27:58,877 SOME PEOPLE HAVE HIDDEN TALENTS. 558 00:27:58,943 --> 00:28:00,779 DO YOU HAVE ANY OF THOSE? 559 00:28:00,845 --> 00:28:03,281 >> NO, NO, NO. 560 00:28:03,348 --> 00:28:04,716 I DO NOT DO MAGIC. 561 00:28:04,783 --> 00:28:05,817 WELL, NOT REALLY. 562 00:28:05,884 --> 00:28:07,919 ACTUALLY, A FUNNY STORY, IF I MAY. 563 00:28:07,986 --> 00:28:08,953 >> Stephen: I HOPE. 564 00:28:09,020 --> 00:28:14,759 YEARS AGO, ONE OF MY FIRST BIG GIGS WAS ON MISSION 565 00:28:14,826 --> 00:28:20,031 IMPOSSIBLE 3, AND I GOT TO WORK WITH TOM CRUISE. 566 00:28:20,098 --> 00:28:23,301 >> Stephen: J.J. 567 00:28:23,368 --> 00:28:28,606 J.J., AND MY BUDDY WHO KNOWS HIM VERY WELL IS, LIKE, BRING 568 00:28:28,673 --> 00:28:30,875 MAGIC, J.J. LOVES MAGIC. 569 00:28:30,942 --> 00:28:35,346 I'M, LIKE, I'LL BRING UP MAGIC, I LOVE MAGIC. 570 00:28:35,413 --> 00:28:40,618 I BRING J.J. ON SET AND I SAID, I LOVE MAGIC. 571 00:28:40,685 --> 00:28:42,454 HE SAYS, YOU LOVE MAGIC. 572 00:28:42,520 --> 00:28:49,461 I SAID, YEAH, WHO DOESN'T, HAVE YOU BEEN SO THE MAGIC CASTLE. 573 00:28:49,527 --> 00:28:50,695 NO. 574 00:28:50,762 --> 00:28:52,330 HE'S LIKE, DO YOU KNOW MAGIC. 575 00:28:52,397 --> 00:28:57,235 KIND OF, MAYBE, I KNOW A COUPLE OF CARD TRICKS I SHOW MY NIECES 576 00:28:57,302 --> 00:29:01,339 AND NEPHEWS, CHILD TRICKS. 577 00:29:01,406 --> 00:29:04,509 SOAR WE START TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. 578 00:29:04,576 --> 00:29:07,378 ANYWAYS, CUT TO A LITTLE LATER IN THE DAY, THERE'S A TUNNEL 579 00:29:07,445 --> 00:29:11,416 SHIFT ON SET AND I SENSE A PRESENCE KIND OF WALKING TOWARDS 580 00:29:11,483 --> 00:29:17,655 ME AND I TOOK BEHIND ME AND IT'S J.J. AND TOM CRUISE, WHO I HAD 581 00:29:17,722 --> 00:29:18,623 NOT MET YET. 582 00:29:18,690 --> 00:29:21,292 SO J.J. BRINGS OVER TOM, INTRODUCES HIM TO ME. 583 00:29:21,359 --> 00:29:23,895 I'M, LIKE, REALLY NICELY TO MEET YOU, HUGE FAN. 584 00:29:23,962 --> 00:29:29,534 RIGHT AWAY, J.J. GOES, OH, YEAH, AARON IS' A MUSICIAN. 585 00:29:29,601 --> 00:29:31,169 TOM IS, LIKE, YOU DO MAGIC. 586 00:29:31,236 --> 00:29:32,370 NO, NO. 587 00:29:32,437 --> 00:29:34,772 J.J. HAD THE PROP DEPARTMENT HAND ME A DECK OF CARDS TO SHOW 588 00:29:34,839 --> 00:29:36,040 TOM A MAGIC TRICK. 589 00:29:36,107 --> 00:29:37,742 I'M, LIKE, NO, I REALLY DON'T. 590 00:29:37,809 --> 00:29:41,379 AND JM J. AND EVERYONE AND THE WHOLE CREW OF MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 591 00:29:41,446 --> 00:29:42,447 IS LIKE DO IT DO IT. 592 00:29:42,514 --> 00:29:44,616 SO I TRIED A TRICK ON TOM. 593 00:29:44,682 --> 00:29:48,520 I'M PANICKED, I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS ALREADY, AND THE TRICK 594 00:29:48,586 --> 00:29:51,122 JUST FAILED MISERABLY, DOESN'T WORK. 595 00:29:51,189 --> 00:29:54,893 BUT BLESS HIM, TOM, HE'S JUST SUCH A SWEETHEART, HE'S JUST 596 00:29:54,959 --> 00:29:56,461 SUCH A POSITIVE GUY. 597 00:29:56,528 --> 00:29:59,230 HE STARTS LAUGHING, HE'S, LIKE, DO IT AGAIN. 598 00:29:59,297 --> 00:30:00,565 I'M, LIKE, OKAY. 599 00:30:00,632 --> 00:30:04,068 SO I'M NOW DIGGING DEEP, YOU KNOW, WHAT DO I SHOW HIM. 600 00:30:04,135 --> 00:30:08,473 LITERALLY THE ONLY THING I KNOW IS A TRICK FOR, LIKE, A THREE OR 601 00:30:08,540 --> 00:30:11,776 FOUR-YEAR-OLD, YOU KNOW, AND, SO, I SHOW HIM A TRICK, IT 602 00:30:11,843 --> 00:30:15,680 WORKS, AND TOM JUST, YOU KNOW, HE LAUGHS AND HE KIND OF SHAKES 603 00:30:15,747 --> 00:30:21,352 MY SHOULDERS AND SAYS, GOOD JOB, AND IT'S JUST UNBELIEVABLY 604 00:30:21,419 --> 00:30:22,554 EMBARRASSING. 605 00:30:22,620 --> 00:30:26,591 >> Stephen: I AM IN AGONY FROM 3,000 MILES AWAY, HEARING YOU 606 00:30:26,658 --> 00:30:29,127 TELL THE STORY. 607 00:30:29,194 --> 00:30:31,396 I CAN'T -- >> A BAD STORY. 608 00:30:31,462 --> 00:30:32,163 BAD STORY. 609 00:30:32,230 --> 00:30:33,965 >> Stephen: NO, IT'S A GREAT STORY. 610 00:30:34,032 --> 00:30:36,334 IT'S AN AGONIZING STORY. 611 00:30:36,401 --> 00:30:39,904 I LOVE OTHER PEOPLE'S AGO ADVERTISING STORIES. 612 00:30:39,971 --> 00:30:40,538 >> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. 613 00:30:40,605 --> 00:30:40,972 THANK YOU. 614 00:30:41,039 --> 00:30:41,873 THANK YOU. 615 00:30:41,940 --> 00:30:44,075 >> Stephen: SPEAKING OF AGONIZING. 616 00:30:44,142 --> 00:30:46,344 IN DECEMBER, YOU POSTED THIS VIDEO. 617 00:30:46,411 --> 00:30:47,946 DO WE HAVE THIS, JIM? 618 00:30:48,012 --> 00:30:53,718 >> I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE A QUICK LITTLE DIP. 619 00:30:53,785 --> 00:30:55,553 THIS IS MY DAILY ROUTINE. 620 00:30:55,620 --> 00:30:59,958 JUST GET IN HERE. 621 00:31:00,024 --> 00:31:01,025 WHOO! 622 00:31:01,092 --> 00:31:04,996 CAN'T REALLY BEAT THIS. 623 00:31:05,063 --> 00:31:09,867 ALL RIGHT. 624 00:31:09,934 --> 00:31:12,237 LEAVING THE WATER! 625 00:31:12,303 --> 00:31:13,004 AAAHHH! 626 00:31:13,071 --> 00:31:13,972 >> Stephen: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? 627 00:31:14,038 --> 00:31:18,009 ARE YOU BUCK NAKED IN THAT? 628 00:31:18,076 --> 00:31:19,244 >> YOU KNOW, I WANTED TO BE. 629 00:31:19,310 --> 00:31:20,511 BUT, NO, I WAS NOT. 630 00:31:20,578 --> 00:31:22,714 >> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 631 00:31:22,780 --> 00:31:24,482 >> I JUST LOVE COLD WATER, YOU KNOW. 632 00:31:24,549 --> 00:31:27,018 I LOVE IT. 633 00:31:27,085 --> 00:31:32,857 HONESTLY, ONCE YOU STOP SORT OF RUNNING AWAY AND STOP ALLOWING 634 00:31:32,924 --> 00:31:37,862 SORT OF, LIKE, YOUR SURVIVAL INSTINCTS TO KICK IN AND YOU 635 00:31:37,929 --> 00:31:40,565 LEAN INTO THE COLD, YOU REALLY START EMBRACING THE COLD. 636 00:31:40,632 --> 00:31:42,667 >> Stephen: YOU COULD SAY THAT ABOUT ANYTHING. 637 00:31:42,734 --> 00:31:46,871 YEAH, YOU'RE FALLING OUT OF A PLANE, BUT ONCE YOU, YOU KNOW, 638 00:31:46,938 --> 00:31:50,942 WAIT FOR YOUR SURVIVAL INSTINCTS TO STOP KICKING IN, IT'S A 639 00:31:51,009 --> 00:31:51,943 LOVELY RIDE. 640 00:31:52,010 --> 00:31:54,879 >> YEAH, YEAH. 641 00:31:54,946 --> 00:31:56,714 I DON'T KNOW -- >> Stephen: WHERE IS THAT, BY 642 00:31:56,781 --> 00:31:57,482 THE WAY? 643 00:31:57,548 --> 00:32:00,151 >> THAT IS IN MY BACKYARD IN IDAHO. 644 00:32:00,218 --> 00:32:01,386 >> Stephen: OH, THAT'S RIGHT. 645 00:32:01,452 --> 00:32:04,222 I FORGOT YOU'RE FROM A LITTLE TOWN IN IDAHO. 646 00:32:04,289 --> 00:32:05,423 >> YEAH. 647 00:32:05,490 --> 00:32:06,924 >> Stephen: WE TALKED ABOUT IT ON THE SHOW LAST TIME YOU WERE 648 00:32:06,991 --> 00:32:07,458 ON. 649 00:32:07,525 --> 00:32:08,693 >> YEAH. 650 00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:13,798 >> Stephen: YOU'VE GOT A PLACE IN L.A. THAT I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE 651 00:32:13,865 --> 00:32:16,501 COMPLETELY SET UP FOR COVID ISOLATION. 652 00:32:16,567 --> 00:32:17,568 WHAT IS IT? 653 00:32:17,635 --> 00:32:21,739 >> WELL, I THINK, REALLY, IT'S -- WELL, WE'RE SLOWLY 654 00:32:21,806 --> 00:32:26,010 TURNING THE PLACE INTO A FARM, BUT THE MAIN TAKEAWAY IS WE'VE 655 00:32:26,077 --> 00:32:28,913 GOT A NICE LITTLE SPEAK EASY. 656 00:32:28,980 --> 00:32:31,516 SO I THINK IF YOU'RE GOING TO DRINK, NOW IS THE TIME. 657 00:32:31,582 --> 00:32:36,821 >> Stephen: YOU BOUGHT A HOUSE THAT WAS A SPEAK EASY DURING 658 00:32:36,888 --> 00:32:38,056 PROHIBITION? 659 00:32:38,122 --> 00:32:40,725 >> YEAH, THIS HOUSE WAS BUILT DURING PROHIBITION, ONE TO HAVE 660 00:32:40,792 --> 00:32:46,097 THE FIRST HOMES IN THE HILLSIDE, AND, YEAH, THE PEOPLE WHO BUILT 661 00:32:46,164 --> 00:32:49,267 IT OBVIOUSLY LOVE TO DRINK, AND THEY BUILT A PEEK EASY. 662 00:32:49,334 --> 00:32:52,003 THE SPEAK EASY, YOU HAVE TO REMOVE THE WALL -- THIS IS 663 00:32:52,070 --> 00:32:54,672 LITERALLY THE LAST THING THEY SHOWED ME WHEN WE WERE TOURING 664 00:32:54,739 --> 00:32:55,840 THE HOUSE. 665 00:32:55,907 --> 00:32:59,744 YOU LIFT UP THE RUG, PULL OUT THE WALL, THERE'S A FLOOR TO 666 00:32:59,811 --> 00:33:00,211 CEILING SAFE. 667 00:33:00,278 --> 00:33:01,612 OPEN THE SAFE. 668 00:33:01,679 --> 00:33:05,783 BEHIND THE SAFE ARE TWO METAL DOORS YOU OPEN UP, AND THERE'S 669 00:33:05,850 --> 00:33:07,218 SHELVING FOR BOOZE. 670 00:33:07,285 --> 00:33:10,555 BUT THEN THERE'S A SECRET LEVER ON THE FLOOR THAT YOU PRESS AND 671 00:33:10,621 --> 00:33:14,392 PULL UP THE FLOOR AND THERE'S A HIDDEN STAIRCASE THAT GOES INTO 672 00:33:14,459 --> 00:33:16,327 A BIG SPEAK EASY. 673 00:33:16,394 --> 00:33:18,363 IT'S ACTUALLY RIGHT HERE. 674 00:33:18,429 --> 00:33:20,131 IT'S BEHIND THIS WALL. 675 00:33:20,198 --> 00:33:23,701 >> Stephen: SO YOU'RE ALSO -- YOU WANT TO SEE IT? 676 00:33:23,768 --> 00:33:34,312 >> Stephen: YES, I WOULD LOVE TO SEE IT. 677 00:33:34,379 --> 00:33:35,913 >> YOU JUST OPEN UP, DO THIS. 678 00:33:35,980 --> 00:33:42,086 THERE ARE THESE DOORS AT OPEN UP AND THERE'S SHELVING AREA. 679 00:33:42,153 --> 00:33:53,164 AND THERE'S A FLOOR AND YOU COME DOWN THESE STAIRS. 680 00:33:53,231 --> 00:33:57,368 >> Stephen: DON'T GO DOWN PAUL'S STAIRS. 681 00:33:57,435 --> 00:34:05,109 YOU'RE SET FOR THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE TWO NOW? 682 00:34:05,176 --> 00:34:07,912 >> YEAH, IT SEEMS LIKE A SUPER CREEPY ROOM. 683 00:34:07,979 --> 00:34:11,649 BUT ONCE YOU GET DOWN THERE AND HAVE A DRINK, YOU'RE GOOD. 684 00:34:11,716 --> 00:34:18,990 >> Stephen: HOW MUCH DOS HOMBRES DOWN THERE? 685 00:34:19,056 --> 00:34:20,191 >> QUITE A BIT. 686 00:34:20,258 --> 00:34:22,927 >> Stephen: YOU DID SIX YEARS OF "BOJACK HORSEMAN," BUT YOU 687 00:34:22,994 --> 00:34:27,799 HAVE AN AUDIO DRAMA CALLED "THE COLDEST CASE." 688 00:34:27,865 --> 00:34:32,537 WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN AUDIO DRAMA AND AUDIO BOOK? 689 00:34:32,603 --> 00:34:39,477 AN AUDIO DRAMA IS TAKING YOU BACK TO THE WORLD OF TALKIES 690 00:34:39,544 --> 00:34:40,478 BEFORE TELEVISION. 691 00:34:40,545 --> 00:34:42,547 THE AUDIO BOOK, YOU HAVE SOMEBODY READING A BOOK. 692 00:34:42,613 --> 00:34:45,950 THIS IS JUST TAKING YOU DOWN, JUST SUCH A CRAZY WILD RIDE. 693 00:34:46,017 --> 00:34:50,087 WHAT I LOVE ABOUT BOOKS, IT ALLOWS YOU TO GO DEEPER INTO 694 00:34:50,154 --> 00:34:50,988 YOUR IMAGINATION. 695 00:34:51,055 --> 00:34:52,156 THAT'S WHAT AUTOMOBILE IS DOING. 696 00:34:52,223 --> 00:34:58,496 >> Stephen: SO IS IT FULLY DRAMATIZED, LIKE ORSON WELLS -- 697 00:34:58,563 --> 00:35:00,131 >> VERY DRAMA ADVERTISED. 698 00:35:00,198 --> 00:35:04,101 I ACTUALLY HAVEN'T HEARD IT YET BUT I'VE HEARD SOME CLIPS OF IT 699 00:35:04,168 --> 00:35:06,070 AND IT JUST SOUNDS INCREDIBLE. 700 00:35:06,137 --> 00:35:15,913 JAMES PARTISAN, HE'S SO BRILLIANT AT THE CRIME THRILLER 701 00:35:15,980 --> 00:35:20,618 DRAMA, AND THIS JOURNEY THAT HE TAKES US ON IS AN INCREDIBLE 702 00:35:20,685 --> 00:35:21,786 ONE. 703 00:35:21,853 --> 00:35:23,287 >> Stephen: WELL, THE COLDEST CASE IS AVAILABLE ON AUDIBLE 704 00:35:23,354 --> 00:35:23,921 NOW. 705 00:35:23,988 --> 00:35:24,722 THAT'S AARON PAUL. 706 00:35:24,789 --> 00:35:26,691 DON'T GO IN HIS BASEMENT. 707 00:35:26,757 --> 00:35:30,528 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY LAKE STREET DIVE. 708 00:35:30,595 --> 00:35:31,596 THANKS, AARON. 709 00:35:56,521 --> 00:35:57,288 >> >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBO 710 00:35:58,256 --> 00:36:02,894 THEIR ALBUM, "OBVIOUSLY," COMES OUT TOMORROW. 711 00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:06,898 PERFORMING "HYPOTHETICALS," LAKE STREET DIVE! 712 00:36:06,964 --> 00:36:09,467 ♪ OBVIOUSLY WE'RE AT THE 713 00:36:09,534 --> 00:36:18,910 ♪ BEGINNING OF SOMETHING I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO KNOW 714 00:36:18,976 --> 00:36:24,482 ♪ WHERE IT'S GONNA GO BUT I BELIEVE 715 00:36:24,549 --> 00:36:31,289 ♪ WE MIGHT BE ONTO SOMETHING 716 00:36:31,355 --> 00:36:41,699 ♪ AND I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE YOU SHOULD KNOW 717 00:36:41,766 --> 00:36:45,202 ♪ I'VE BEEN PLAYING OUT A LOT OF HYPOTHETICALS IN MY MIND 718 00:36:45,269 --> 00:36:49,473 ♪ I'VE BEEN WRITING YOUR NAME DOWN NEXT TO MINE 719 00:36:49,540 --> 00:36:52,944 ♪ BEEN IMAGINING ALL THE THINGS YOU AND I COULD DO 720 00:36:53,010 --> 00:36:56,414 ♪ OOH, OOH I'VE SEEN ALL THE POSSIBILITIES 721 00:36:56,480 --> 00:36:59,016 ♪ IN MY DREAMS YOU'RE ALONE WHEN YOU 722 00:36:59,083 --> 00:37:05,289 ♪ SHOULD REALLY BE NEXT TO ME BABY, LET'S NOT WAIT AND SEE 723 00:37:05,356 --> 00:37:08,726 ♪ IMMEDIATE ACTION IS UNNECESSARY 724 00:37:08,793 --> 00:37:11,395 ♪ IT'S A FATAL ATTRACTION IT'S A LITTLE SCARY 725 00:37:11,462 --> 00:37:13,864 ♪ BUT I GOT A PLAN OF ATTACK AND I'LL GET US THERE 726 00:37:13,931 --> 00:37:16,867 ♪ SOMEDAY SOON I KNOW IT 727 00:37:16,934 --> 00:37:19,503 ♪ I GOT A PLAN A, AND I GOT A PLAN B 728 00:37:19,570 --> 00:37:21,672 ♪ AND IF IT'S ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY 729 00:37:21,739 --> 00:37:25,009 WE'LL GO TO PLAN C ♪ WHATEVER I GOTTA DO 730 00:37:25,076 --> 00:37:30,448 TO BE WITH YOU, OOH, OOH ♪ I'VE BEEN PLAYING OUT A LOT OF 731 00:37:30,514 --> 00:37:33,884 HYPOTHETICALS IN MY MIND ♪ I'VE BEEN WRITING YOUR NAME 732 00:37:33,951 --> 00:37:37,355 DOWN NEXT TO MINE ♪ BEEN IMAGINING ALL THE THINGS 733 00:37:37,421 --> 00:37:41,859 YOU AND I COULD DO ♪ OOH, OOH 734 00:37:41,926 --> 00:37:44,528 I'VE SEEN ALL THE POSSIBILITIES ♪ IN MY DREAMS 735 00:37:44,595 --> 00:37:47,665 YOU'RE ALONE WHEN YOU ♪ SHOULD REALLY BE NEXT TO ME 736 00:37:47,732 --> 00:37:57,108 BABY, LET'S NOT WAIT AND SEE ♪ NOBODY CAN SEE INTO THE FUTURE 737 00:37:57,174 --> 00:38:00,711 EVEN THE WEATHERMAN ♪ GETS CAUGHT IN THE RAIN 738 00:38:00,778 --> 00:38:06,984 SOMETIMES ♪ BUT I SEE SOMETHING IN YOU 739 00:38:07,051 --> 00:38:11,122 THAT I'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE ♪ AND I CAN'T BE SURE 740 00:38:11,188 --> 00:38:14,992 NO, MAYBE NOT ♪ BUT I THINK IT'S 741 00:38:15,059 --> 00:38:22,767 WORTH A SHOT ♪ ♪ ♪ 742 00:38:26,771 --> 00:38:41,285 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ HYPOTHETICALLY, YES 743 00:38:41,352 --> 00:38:45,756 THEORETICALLY, FOREVER ♪ WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS 744 00:38:45,823 --> 00:38:50,061 BUT I HOPE WE WILL NEVER ♪ BE APART 745 00:38:50,127 --> 00:38:55,466 HYPOTHETICALLY, YES ♪ THEORETICALLY, FOREVER 746 00:38:55,533 --> 00:38:59,970 WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS ♪ BUT I HOPE WE WILL NEVER 747 00:39:00,037 --> 00:39:04,341 BE APART ♪ OH, HYPOTHETICALLY, YES 748 00:39:04,408 --> 00:39:09,113 THEORETICALLY, FOREVER ♪ WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS 749 00:39:09,180 --> 00:39:13,551 BUT I HOPE WE WILL NEVER ♪ BE APART 750 00:39:13,617 --> 00:39:19,323 OH, HYPOTHETICALLY, YES ♪ THEORETICALLY, FOREVER 751 00:39:19,390 --> 00:39:22,359 WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS ♪ BUT I HOPE WE WILL NEVER 752 00:39:22,426 --> 00:39:28,132 BE APART ♪ I'VE BEEN PLAYING OUT A LOT OF 753 00:39:28,199 --> 00:39:31,836 HYPOTHETICALS ♪ I'VE BEEN WRITING YOUR NAME 754 00:39:31,902 --> 00:39:37,975 DOWN NEXT TO MINE ♪ OH, OH 755 00:39:38,042 --> 00:39:42,947 I'VE SEEN ALL THE POSSIBILITIES ♪ IN MY DREAMS 756 00:39:43,013 --> 00:39:47,251 I'VE SEEN THE POSSIBILITIES ♪ OH, YEAH 757 00:39:47,318 --> 00:39:52,189 BABY, LET'S NOT WAIT AND SEE ♪ >> Stephen: LAKE STREET DIVE, 758 00:39:52,256 --> 00:39:53,457 EVERYBODY! 759 00:39:53,524 --> 00:39:54,525 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 760 00:40:05,002 --> 00:40:06,137 >> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S IT FOR "A LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY. 761 00:40:06,203 --> 00:40:07,571 TUNE IN TOMORROW FOR A RARE FRIDAY SHOW-- IT'S OUR 762 00:40:07,638 --> 00:40:12,943 QUAR-ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL FEATURING MY INTERVIEW WITH 763 00:40:13,010 --> 00:40:14,044 DR. ANTHONY FAUCI. 764 00:40:14,111 --> 00:40:15,746 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 765 00:40:15,813 --> 00:40:16,814 GOOD NIGHT.