>> CHARLOTTE BENNETT FIRST TOLD HER STORY TO CBS NEWS.
NOW SHE'S TALKING TO INVESTIGATORS.
HER ATTORNEY SAID SHE MET WITH THEM FOR FOUR HOURS AND PROVIDED
MORE THAN 120 PAGES OF CONTEMPORANEOUS RECORDS, AND
ALSO THAT THE GOVERNOR HAD A PREOCCUPATION OF HAND SIZE AND
WHAT THE LARGE SIZE OF HIS HANDS INDICATED TO CHARLOTTE AND OTHER
MEMBERS OF THE STAFF.
>> GOOD NEWS TODAY, OVERALL STATE POSITIVITY RATE, 3.53.
WE TALKED ABOUT IT THANKSGIVING, KWANZAA, HANUKKAH, CHRISTMAS,
MORE SOCIAL GATHERINGS, THE NUMBER WOULD GO UP.
OVERALL, COVID RATES ARE DOWN, AS WE JUST WENT THROUGH.
VACCINE RATES ARE UP.
SO WE CONTINUE THE SMART REOPENING, RIGHT.
THE GRAPHIC THAT NOBODY LIKES.
>> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES.
LUPITA NYONG'O AND MARTIN FREEMAN
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE oN TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE
BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WE HAVE A HELL OF A SHOW TONIGHT, BLOCKBUSTER GUESTS.
WE HAVE LUPITA NYONG'O, AND MARTIN FREEMAN.
LUPITA IS COMING TO US FROM KENYA, MARTIN FROM LONDON.
WE ARE TRULY INTERNATIONAL AT THIS POINT.
I'M IMPRESSED.
NOBODY ELSE SEEMS TO BE IMPRESSED.
( LAUGHTER ) EVIE IS HERE.
HELLO, MY DARLING.
ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS IMPRESS YOUR GIRLS.
HEY, FOLKS.
CAN YOU FEEL IT?
AMERICA HAS A BIT OF PEP IN ITS STEP, AND HOPEFULLY SOON, A SHOT
IN ITS ARM, BECAUSE THE VACCINE ROLLOUT IS ON A ROLL.
IN MICHIGAN AND CONNECTICUT, ALL RESIDENTS 16 AND OLDER CAN GET
THE VACCINE STARTING APRIL 5.
GREAT NEWS, CONNECTICUT TEENS!
YOU'RE GOING TO PROM!
BAD NEWS: MOMS AND DADS WANT TO COME, TOO, BECAUSE WE'RE
SICK OF BEING HOME.
WE WANT TO PUT ON FANCY CLOTHES AND HAVE ENCHANTMENT UNDER THE
SEA!
WHO DID YOU GO TO PROM WITH.
>> WE DIDN'T HAVE PROM.
IT WAS AN ALL-GIRLS' SCHOOL.
>> Stephen: SADIE HAWKINS?
>> JUNIOR-SENIOR.
>> Stephen: WHO DID YOU GO TO JUNIOR-SENIOR WITH?
YOU DON'T REMEMBER?
IT WAS AL PHILLIPS, WASN'T IT?
>> NO.
IT WAS CHAMP.
>> Stephen: IT WAS CHAMP YARBORO.
HI, CHAMP!
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
SHE DATED A GUY NAMED CHAMP.
WHAT CHANCE DID I HAVE IN HIGH SCHOOL?
SHE'S DATING A GUY NAMED CHAMP.
STOP WHAT?
THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS BAD PUBLICITY.
I'M JUST SAYING THE MAN HAS A NAME THAT SOUNDS LIKE A WINNER.
WHAT WAS THE THEME?
WHAT WAS-- DID YOU HAVE A THEME?
I THINK OUR-- I THINK OURS LITERALLY WAS ENCHANTMENT UNDER
THE SEA.
>> THE SENIOR-- THE JUNIOR-- THE GIRLS' JUNIOR CLASS WOULD HOLD A
PARENT FOR THE GIRLS' SENIOR CLASS.
AND OUR THEME WAS "THE SOUND OF MUSIC."
>> Stephen: YOUR THEME WAS THE MUSICAL "SOUND OF MUSIC?
WHO WERE THE NAUGHTIES?
OKAY, LET'S MOVE ON.
>> THE BOYS.
>> Stephen: THE BOYS, OKAY.
SOME STATES ARE MOVING EVEN FASTER.
TODAY, OHIO ANNOUNCED EVERYONE 4 AND OVER IS ELIGIBLE STARTING
FRIDAY.
THAT'S RIGHT, STARTING THIS WEEKEND, OHIO'S 40-AND-OVER
CROWD CAN GET BACK TO THE CLUBS AND START RUBBIN' BUCKEYES.
DESPITE VACCINES BECOMING MORE AVAILABLE, THERE'S STILL ONE
THING HOLDING AMERICANS BACK: AMERICANS.
BECAUSE IN A CBS POLL, A THIRD OF REPUBLICANS SAID THEY WOULD
NOT BE VACCINATED.
NOT EVERYTHING IS POLITICAL!
HOW DO WE CONVINCE YOU TO WANT IT?
WOULD IT FEEL SAFER IF THE VACCINE WAS ADMINISTERED BY AN
AR-15?
MANY OF THE REPUBLICANS POLLED CITED DISTRUST OF GOVERNMENT AS
A REASON TO NOT BE VACCINATED.
THEY WORRY THE VACCINES WERE PRODUCED TOO QUICKLY.
DUH!
IT WAS PRODUCED QUICKLY BECAUSE ALL OF SCIENCE DROPPED
EVERYTHING BECAUSE YOUR PRESIDENT WANTED THEM TO.
AND THEY DID EVERYTHING RIGHT WITH CLINICAL TRIALS.
YOU WOULDN'T STAND IN FRONT OF YOUR BURNING HOUSE AND TELL THE
FIRE DEPARTMENT: "HOLD ON, HOLD ON, YOU FELLAS GOT HERE
SUSPICIALLY FAST, AND I READ ON FACEBOOK THAT WATER IS JUST MILK
FROM INVISIBLE COWS, OKAY?
WHAT IF MY HOUSE IS LACTOSE INTOLERANT?"
SOME PEOPLE THINK THE LAST PRESIDENT SHOULD SAY SOMETHING
TO CONVINCE HIS FOLLOWERS, BUT BIDEN ISN'T INTERESTED.
>> THE THING THAT HAS MORE IMPACT THAN ANYTHING TRUMP WOULD
SAY TO THE MAGA FOLKS IS WHAT THE LOCAL DOCTOR, WHAT THE LOCAL
PREACHERS, WHAT THE LOCAL PEOPLE IN THE COMMUNITY SAY.
>> Stephen: (AS BIDEN) "YOU GOTTA TALK TO THE PAPERBOY,
JACK!
THE MILKMAN!
THE LOCAL WASHERWOMAN!
OL' JASPER WHO DRIVES THE WELLS FARGO WAGON!
AND HIS HORSE BETSY AIN'T NO DUMMY, EITHER!
C'MON!" WANT TO GO TO PROM?
>> YES!
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, I'LL PICK YOU UP IN THE STUDEBAKER.
>> BRING THE MUSTANG.
>> Stephen: HE HAS A CORVETTE.
HE HAS A CORVETTE, MAN.
ONE POTENTIAL SIDE EFFECT OF THE CORONAVIRUS VACCINE IS THAT
PEOPLE ARE EXPOSED TO THE IDEA THAT GOVERNMENT CAN GET THINGS
DONE.
BUT SENATE REPUBLICANS HAVE A WAY TO INOCULATE THEMSELVES FROM
PROGRESS: IT'S CALLED THE FILIBUSTER.
IN ITS CURRENT FORM, IT ALLOWS A MINORITY PARTY TO PUT THE KIBOSH
ON BILLS THAT ARRIVE WITHOUT THE SUPPORT OF 60 SENATORS.
BUT IN THE LAST DECADE OR SO, IT HAS GONE FROM BEING A RARELY
USED TOOL TO A CORE ELEMENT OF SENATOR MITCH McCONNELL'S
STRATEGY AS THE REPUBLICAN MINORITY LEADER.
NO SURPRISE THERE.
REPUBLICANS ARE REKNOWN FOR THEIR RARELY USED TOOLS.
BUT HERE'S THE THING: THE SENATE DECIDES WHAT THE RULES ARE, AND
THE DEMOCRATS CONTROL THE SENATE.
AND THEY WOULDN'T NEED 60 VOTES, "TO ROLL BACK THE
FILIBUSTER.
DEMOCRATS WOULD NEED A SIMPLE MAJORITY."
THAT'S RIGHT, YOU CAN'T FILIBUSTER CHANGING THE
FILIBUSTER RULES!
IT'S THE UPPER CHAMBER'S VERSION OF "YOU CAN'T WISH FOR INFINITE
WISHES."
WHICH YOU ALSO CAN'T DO BECAUSE MITCH McCONNELL WOULD FILIBUSTER
IT.
DEMOCRATS HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING ABOUT THE FILIBUSTER YET, BUT
THERE ARE MURMURS AND RUMORS, WHICH IS ENOUGH TO UPSET MITCH
McCONNELL, WHO ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND FROM HIS SEAT, TO
THREATEN TO GROUND THE SENATE TO A HALT WITH PROCEDURAL
SHENANIGANS.
>> LET ME SAY THIS VERY CLEARLY FOR ALL 99 OF MY
COLLEAGUES.
NOBODY SERVING IN THIS CHAMBER CAN EVEN BEGIN, CAN EVEN BEGIN
TO IMAGINE WHAT A COMPLETELY SCORCHED-EARTH SENATE WOULD
LOOK LIKE.
>> Stephen: I'LL TAKE MY CHANCES.
THE LAST TIME THE UNITED STATES USED "SCORCHED EARTH," THE UNION
BEAT YOUR GUYS.
HE McCONNELLED ON.
>> THIS CHAOS WOULD NOT OPEN UP AN EXPRESS LANE TO LIBERAL
CHANGE.
IT WOULD NOT OPEN UP AN EXPRESS LANE FOR THE BIDEN PRESIDENCY TO
SPEED INTO THE HISTORY BOOKS.
THE SENATE WOULD BE MORE LIKE A 100-CAR PILEUP-- NOTHING MOVING.
>> Stephen: IT'S ALREADY HAPPENING, YOU IDIOT!
AND THE FILIBUSTER IS WHY IT'S HAPPENING!
IF YOU THREATEN TO BLOW MY HEAD OFF WITH A SHOTGUN, AND I SAY
"LET'S TAKE AWAY THAT IDIOT'S SHOTGUN," IT'S REALLY NOT MUCH
OF A THREAT TO SAY, "IF YOU DO THIS, I'LL SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE
FIVE TIMES WITH A CROSSBOW!" YOU'RE VERY GENEROUS.
SPEAKING OF MANIACS ON CAPITOL HILL, THERE'S BEEN SOME
IMPORTANT ARRESTS OF TRAITOROUS MALCONTENTS WHO ATTACKED THE
LEGISLATURE ON JANUARY 6, AND I'LL GIVE YOU THE DEETS IN
TONIGHT'S "SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP ROUNDUP."
>> THEY'RE UTTERLY DESPICABLE COWARDS!
>> Stephen: FIRST UP ON THE ROUND-UP, THE F.B.I. ARRESTED A
SECURITY CONTRACTOR AT A NAVAL BASE WHO "WAS KNOWN TO MOST OF
HIS CO-WORKERS AS A WHITE SUPREMACIST AND NAZI
SYMPATHIZER."
NOW HOLD ON ONE MINUTE.
CALLING SOMEONE A NAZI SYMPATHIZER IS A PRETTY BIG
ACCUSATION.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT HE-- OOOH-KAY.
ALL RIGHT LITTLE ON THE NOSE, BUDDY,
ALSO A LITTLE UNDER THE NOSE.
THE CHIP OFF THE OLD REICH IS NAMED TIMOTHY HALE-CUSANELLI,
KNOWN FROM NOW ON AS TIMOTHY HEIL-MUSSOLINI.
AND EVER SINCE THE RIOT, FEDERAL AUTHORITIES HAVE BEEN ON THE
HUNT FOR THE TWO PEOPLE WHO SPRAYED CHEMICAL IRRITANTS AT
POLICE, WHICH MAY HAVE LED TO THE TRAGIC DEATH OF OFFICER
BRIAN SICKNICK.
WELL, SUNDAY, THE F.B.I.
ARRESTED TWO MEN: WEST VIRGINIA RESIDENT AND GUY WHO
ALPHABETIZED HIS VHS PORN COLLECTION, GEORGE TANIOS; AND
INTERN AT THE STRIP CLUB JULIAN KHATER.
KHATER AND TANIOS ARE CHILDHOOD FRIENDS WHO GREW UP IN NEW
JERSEY, AND THEY THOUGHTFULLY LEFT A LOT OF EVIDENCE.
FOR THE COPS.
FOR INSTANCE, TANIOS LIVES IN MORGANTOWN, WEST VIRGINIA, WHERE
HE'S THE OWNER OF "SANDWICH UNIVERSITY"-- KNOWN FOR ITS
FIERCE RIVALRY WITH SLOPPY JOE POLYTECH.
IN FACT, ON SOCIAL MEDIA, TANIOS CALLS HIMSELF THE "SANDWICH
NAZI."
OKAY, AT THIS POINT, I THINK YOU CAN DROP THE "SANDWICH."
TANIOS' RESTAURANT BILLS ITSELF THE KING OF THE FAT SANDWICH,
BECAUSE THEY LOOK LIKE THIS ONE, THE FAT MOUNTAINEER, WHICH
INCLUDES CHEESESTEAK, BURGER, MOZZARELLA STICKS, CHICKEN
TENDER, JALAPENO POPPER, BACON, AND EGG.
HE'S NOT KIDDING ABOUT THE NAZI PART.
WITH THAT MUCH CHOLESTEROL, IT'S A HOAGIE THAT SHOULD BE
PROSECUTED AT THE HAGUE-Y.
NOW, THIS IS IMPORTANT INFORMATION, BECAUSE DURING THE
RIOT, TANIOS WAS WEARING A SWEATSHIRT WITH "SANDWICH
UNIVERSITY" ON IT.
DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE WALKING AROUND BRAGGING ABOUT
THEIR FANCY LUNCH ALMA MATTER WHEN THE REST OF US HAD TO EAT
OUR SAFETY SANDWICH?
TANIOS' BUDDY KHATER IS ALSO A RESTAURANTEUR.
HE OWNS A SMOOTHIE BOWL RESTAURANT IN STATE COLLEGE,
PENNSYLVANIA, CALLED "FRUTTA BOWLS."
OKAY, TWO THINGS: FIRST, HOW DID THESE GUYS BECOME FRIENDS?
THE SMOOTHIE IS THE NATURAL ENEMY OF THE FAT SANDWICH.
TWO: YOU CANT PUT A SMOOTHIE IN A BOWL, OKAY?
THE MOMENT IT HITS THE BOWL, IT'S FRUIT SOUP.
AND DON'T TELL ME THAT TOMATOES ARE FRUIT.
I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL, WITH THESE TWO GUYS.
COME ON, WHAT'S A SMOOTHIE BOWL?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW, IT DOESN'T EXIST.
KHATER'S LOOKING AT A HARSH PUNISHMENT, BECAUSE SINCE HE'S
NOT A U.S. CITIZEN, A GUILTY VERDICT WOULD LIKELY RESULT IN
HIS DEPORTATION.
THAT MUST GIVE HIM SOME MIXED EMOTIONS.
( AS KHATER ) "I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ABOUT TO
GET DEPORTED.
ON THE OTHER HAND, I GOT AN IMMIGRANT DEPORTED!
WOO!" THE RIOTERS AREN'T THE ONLY ONES
UNDER SCRUTINY.
THE CAPITOL POLICE JUST SUSPENDED AN OFFICER WHO HAD
AN ANTI-SEMITIC DOCUMENT IN PLAIN SIGHT AT A CAPITOL POLICE
CHECKPOINT.
THAT IS SHOCKING.
ANTI-SEMITISM HAS NO PLACE IN CONGRESS, OUTSIDE MARJORIE
TAYLOR GREENE DEMANDING THAT NASA BAPTIZE THE JEWISH SPACE
LASER.
THE QUESTIONABLE DOCUMENT IN QUESTION IS THE PROTOCOLS OF THE
MEETINGS OF THE LEARNED ELDERS THAT IS HORRIFYING.
OF ZION, WHICH THE ANTI-DEFAMATION LEAGUE CALLS
"A CLASSIC IN PARANOID, RACIST LITERATURE."
THAT'S ACTUALLY ONE OF THE BLURBS ON THE BACK, ALONG WITH
"A GREAT BEACH READ"-- MEL GIBSON.
FALLOUT FROM THE RIOT HAS ALSO HURT WISCONSIN SENATOR AND DRUNK
UNCLE INSISTING HE WONT DROP THE ( LAUGHTER )
BABY LIKE LAST TIME, RON JOHNSON.
ON THURSDAY, JOHNSON WENT ON TALK RADIO TO SAY "RIOT
SCHMIOT."
>> ON JANUARY 6, I NEVER FELT THREATENED, BECAUSE I DIDN'T.
AND MAINLY BECAUSE I KNEW THAT EVEN THOUGH THOSE THOUSANDS OF
PEOPLE WHO WERE MARCHING ON THE CAPITOL WERE TRYING TO PRESSURE
PEOPLE LIKE ME TO VOTE THE WAY THEY WANTED ME TO VOTE, I KNEW
THOSE ARE PEOPLE THAT LOVE THIS COUNTRY, THAT TRULY RESPECT LAW
ENFORCEMENT, WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING TO BREAK A LAW, AND SO
I WASN'T CONCERNED.
>> Stephen: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THEY INJURED OVER 100 POLICEMEN-- BLINDING, CRUSHING,
KILLING.
SO I GUESS YOU'RE SAYING THEY USED THAT FLAGPOLE TO
INFLICT BLUNT-FORCE RESPECT?
WELL, SENATOR, YOU SEEM TO HAVE A LOT IN COMMON WITH THEM,
BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT THE ONLY ONES SMEARING THEIR CRAP ALL
OVER CAPITOL HILL.
DESPITE KNOWING BETTER, JOHNSON CONTINUED:
>> NOW, HAD THE TABLES BEEN TURNED-- JOE, THIS CAN GET ME IN
TROUBLE-- HAD THE TABLES BEEN TURNED AND PRESIDENT TRUMP WON
THE ELECTION, AND THOSE WERE TENS OF THOUSANDS OF BLACK LIVES
MATTER AND ANTIFA PROTESTERS, I MIGHT HAVE BEEN A LITTLE
CONCERNED.
>> Stephen: HOLY STUPID.
THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL YOU, BUT YOU FEEL SAFE BECAUSE THEY'RE
YOUR RACE?
IT REMINDS ME OF THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF NATHAN HALE: "I REGRET
I HAVE BUT ONE LIFE TO GIVE FOR MY COUNTRY, BUT ON THE BRIGHT
SIDE, NONE OF THE PEOPLE HANGING ME ARE IRISH."
( LAUGHTER ) A LOT OF PEOPLE CALLED JOHNSON'S
RACIST COMMENTS RACIST, SO YESTERDAY, HE WENT ON LOCAL
WISCONSIN RADIO WITH A VERY STRANGE DEFENSE FOR HIS ATTACK
ON BLACK LIVES MATTER.
>> REMEMBER, THOSE LEFTIST, LEFTIST ACTIVISTS, THOSE
PROTESTERS-- SOME OF THEM TURNED VIOLENT, TURNED INTO RIOTS-- A
LOT OF THEM ARE WHITE.
SO THERE'S NO RACISM INVOLVED IN THIS AT ALL.
>> Stephen: NOTHING SAYS "NOT A RACIST" MORE THAN LOOKING AT A
BLACK LIVES MATTER PROTEST AND COUNTING ALL THE WHITE PEOPLE.
"11, 12, 13!
WHEW!
I'M NOT A RACIST!" THEN JOHNSON SAID HE WAS
SURPRISED BY THE REACTION TO HIS COMMENTS.
>> IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE.
IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH RIOTS.
I COMPLETELY DID NOT ANTICIPATE THAT ANYBODY COULD INTERPRET
WHAT I SAID AS RACIST.
>> Stephen: YES, WHO COULD HAVE ANTICIPATED?
MAYBE THIS GUY?
>> NOW, HAD THE TABLES BEEN TURNED-- JOE, THIS CAN GET ME IN
TROUBLE.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T GET ANY CREDIT FOR YOUR BAD BEHAVIOR
JUST BECAUSE YOU PREDICTED IT.
( AS BANK ROBBER ) "I KNOW THIS IS GOING TO GET ME
IN TROUBLE, BUT EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE GROUND!
THIS IS A ROBBERY!
NOW, PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAGS BEFORE THE COPS COME TO CANCEL
ME!" ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S ALSO BEEN A BAD TIME FOR NEW YORK GOVERNOR AND MIDDLE
SCHOOL COACH EXPLAINING WHY YOU'RE LUCKY HE'S DATING YOUR
MOM, ANDREW CUOMO.
LAST WEEK, ANOTHER WOMAN CAME FORWARD WITH ALLEGATIONS OF
SEXUAL HARASSMENT AGAINST THE GOVERNOR, MAKING HER THE SIXTH
TO DO SO.
AND THEN OVER THE WEEKEND, THERE WAS A SEVENTH WOMAN.
TWO MORE, AND HE WINS A FREE RONAN FARROW PROFILE!
THEN, YESTERDAY, FORMER CUOMO AIDE CHARLOTTE BENNETT REVEALED
TO STATE INVESTIGATORS THAT, WHEN SHE WORKED WITH THE
GOVERNOR, HE HAD A PREOCCUPATION WITH HIS HAND SIZE AND WHAT
THE LARGE SIZE OF HIS HANDS INDICATED.
HUH.
FOR THE ANSWER, WE GO TO "THE LATE SHOW'S" HAND EXPERT.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN SOMEONE TALKS ABOUT THEIR HAND SIZE?
>> TINY PENIS!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU.
WHAT'S HIS NAME?
HANDY?
>> LEFTY.
>> Stephen: LEFTY.
HE IS A HELPER.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE LUPITA NYONG'O AND MARTIN FREEMAN.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE"!
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪ HEY, WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
Y'KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME SOURCING THE FINEST, MOST
TOPICAL SLABS OF NEWS MARBLE, CAREFULLY CHISELING OUT A WIDE,
DEEP BASIN, AND SCULPTING THE MOST EXPRESSIVE NEOCLASSICAL
JOKE FIGURES, THEN ENGINEERING AN AQUEDUCT CONNECTING IT TO
"CURRENT EVENTS MOUNTAIN," THEREBY DIVERTING ITS
CRYSTALLINE STORY WATERS INTO THE BREATHTAKING ITALIAN PIAZZA
FOUNTAIN THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I HIDE MY MEDS UNDER MY
TONGUE SO THE ASYLUM NIGHT NURSE CAN'T SEE ME NOT SWALLOW THEM,
THEN SLIP INTO THE NIGHT, BREAK INTO A MECHANIC'S SHOP TO
FASHION A SNORKEL OUT OF A RUSTY EXHAUST PIPE AND SOME ARM
FLOATIES OUT OF OLD INNER TUBES, THEN STEAL A RECYCLING BIN FROM
BEHIND A MIDDLE SCHOOL AND FILL IT WITH MOONSHINE AND REGRET
BEFORE I SUBMERGE US ALL IN THE PAROLE-VIOLATING MAKESHIFT
KIDDIE POOL OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
>> QUARANTINE-WHILE!
>> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE, BIG NEWS FOR ALL YOU ROLE
PLAYERS OUT THERE: THESE L.E.D.
DICE COULD ELECTRIFY YOUR NEXT DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS CAMPAIGN."
HERE'S A LOOK AT THEM IN ACTION.
WOAH!
PLUS FIVE SPARKLE!
OF COURSE, THE LIGHTS ARE A LITTLE LESS BRIGHT WHEN YOU'VE
BEEN FORCED TO SWALLOW THEM AND THEN STUFFED IN A LOCKER.
( LAUGHTER ) THE DICE DRAW POWER WIRELESSLY
FROM A CASE, AND "CAN GO FOR AROUND FIVE HOURS ON A SINGLE
CHARGE, OR MORE IF YOU'RE WILLING TO LIVE WITHOUT THE
LIGHTING."
AND LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT: WHEN THEY'RE CHARGED, THESE DICE
LIGHT UP, BUT IF YOU'RE WILLING TO NOT HAVE THEM LIGHT UP,
THEY'RE WILLING TO STILL BE DICE.
IN A RELATED STORY, IF I DON'T CHARGE MY PHONE, IT'S STILL
WILLING TO BE SOMETHING THAT I CAN SHATTER.
OF COURSE, YOU DON'T GET PERFORMANCE LIKE THAT WITHOUT
PAYING FOR IT.
ONE DIE, INCLUDING CHARGER, STARTS AT $39, OR YOU CAN GET A
SET OF SEVEN DICE AND A CHARGING CASE FOR $199.
BUT THE LOOK ON YOUR SPOUSE'S FACE WHEN YOU TELL THEM YOU
DROPPED A WEEK'S GROCERY BUDGET ON LIGHT DICE THAT MAY OR MAY
NOT LIGHT UP?
PRICELESS.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, THERE'S A NEW HOTEL IN CHINA RECEIVING
BACKLASH BECAUSE IT'S BUILT AROUND A CENTRAL POLAR BEAR
ENCLOSURE FOR THE NON-STOP VIEWING PLEASURE OF ITS GUESTS.
IT'S THE PERFECT LODGING FOR ANYONE WHO'S THOUGHT, "I LIKE
THE ZOO, BUT I WISH I COULD SEE THE ANIMALS SAD AT NIGHT."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, SCIENTISTS HAVE RECENTLY CONFIRMED THAT THE
EARTH HAS A HIDDEN LAYER, AND NO ONE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT IT IS.
PLEASE BE NOUGAT, PLEASE BE NOUGAT, PLEASE BE NOUGAT.
( LAUGHTER ) SO FAR, SOUNDWAVE EXPERIMENTS
CAN'T TELL US MUCH ABOUT ITS MAKE-UP.
THE STUDY REVEALS THERE IS MORE COMPLEXITY TO THE INNER CORE
THAN PREVIOUSLY APPRECIATED, AND EARTH MIGHT HAVE MORE LAYERS
THAN SCIENTISTS THOUGHT.
YOU HEAR THAT?
THE EARTH IS MORE COMPLEX IN ITS CORE THAN WE APPRECIATED.
WE SEE IT AS JUST THIS BIG SPINNING ROCK, BUT MAYBE IT'S
NOT SPINNING.
MAYBE IT'S DANCING.
SO DON'T BE SURPRISED IF THE EARTH GETS FED UP AND GOES
BACKPACKING THROUGH ANDROMEDA, THEN COMES BACK AND WANTS TO GO
TO CLOWN SCHOOL, DAD!
QAWRN WHILE, IN DEEP SOUTH YOGA HAPPENINGS, OF
OVERTURN ITS 28-YEAR BAN ON YOGA IN SCHOOLS.
GREAT NEWS FOR FITNESS-CONSCIOUS ALABAMANS.
BAD NEWS FOR ILLEGAL YOGA DEALERS.
( AS DRUG DEALER ) "PSST, HEY KID.
YOU WANNA ACTIVATE YOUR CHAKRAS?
I GOT 'EM ALL.
FIFTY BUCKS, I'LL GIVE YOU A WARRIOR TWO THAT'LL UNLOCK YOUR
PRANA LIKE CRAZY."
APPARENTLY, IN 1993, THE ALABAMA BOARD OF EDUCATION BANNED YOGA
BECAUSE OF "OPPOSITION BY CONSERVATIVE GROUPS OVER ITS
HINDU ROOTS."
GOT TO BE TOUGH TO TEACH AT A SCHOOL THAT BANS ANYTHING HINDU,
SINCE THE HINDUS INVENTED NUMBERS.
( AS TEACHER ) "OKAY, SO IF A TRAIN LEAVES
A STATION GOING...
A LOT OF MILES PER HOUR, AND ANOTHER TRAIN LEAVES A STATION
GOING...
A LITTLE MILES PER HOUR...
HOW CLOSE WILL THE SUN BE TO THE MOUNTAIN WHEN THEY MEET?"
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN WALRUS TOURISM NEWS, A WALRUS WAS
SPOTTED FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER IN IRELAND.
IT IS BELIEVED THE ARCTIC CREATURE COULD HAVE FALLEN
ASLEEP ON AN ICEBERG BEFORE BEING CARRIED ACROSS THE
ATLANTIC OCEAN.
WAIT, ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS WALRUS IN IRELAND
PASSED OUT AND WOKE UP SOMEWHERE IT DOESN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE?
HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH LUPITA NYONG'O.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
JOINING ME NOW IS THE ACADEMY-AWARD WINNING ACTRESS
YOU KNOW BEST FROM "12 YEARS A SLAVE," "US," AND "BLACK
PANTHER."
SHE CURRENTLY STARS AS JULIETA IN THE PUBLIC THEATER'S
BILINGUAL RADIO PLAY, "ROMEO Y JULIETA."
PLEASE WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW," LUPITA NYONG'O!
LUPITA THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME IN STRANGE TIMES.
>> Stephen: IT IS STRANGE TIMES.
SO HAPPY TO FIND OUT WE'RE TALKING TO YOU FROM KENYA RIGHT
NOW, TRUE?
>> YES, YES, I AM HOME.
>> Stephen: WOW, THANKYOU SO MUCH FOR STAYING UP LATE.
I KNOW IT MUST BE THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT FOR YOU WHERE YOU ARE.
EVEN THOUGH WE'RE ONLY DOING THIS AT 5:30, OR SOMETHING,
WHERE WE ARE.
AND THIS IS OUR FIRST ZOOM HAD OF IN FROM AFRICA, SO THANK YOU
FOR CHRISTENING A WHOLE NEW CONTINENT FOR US.
>> I FEEL GOOD ABOUT THAT.
>> Stephen: IN KENYA, THERE'S NO CHANCE ANYBODY THERE KNOWS MY
SHOW, IS THERE?
>> OH, THEY DO.
>> Stephen: NO, REALLY?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO JUST SAY THAT ( LAUGHS )
>> YOU'RE A GLOBAL ICON.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
YOU'RE MY FAVORITE GUEST OF THE NIGHT.
MARTIN FREEMAN'S GOT TO GO OVER A HIGH BAR NOW.
WE LOVE YOUR FILMS, BUT YOU ACTUALLY STARTED ON THE LIVE ON
THE STAGE, AS A LOT OF ACTORS DO.
I UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU WERE 14 YOU HAD A CHANCE TO PLAY
JULIETTE.
WHAT WAS THAT EXPERIENCE LIKE?
HOW DID YOU GET THAT PART ON YOUR FIRST PROFESSIONAL
PRODUCTION?
>> YEAH, SO I MEAN, AT THAT POINT, I HAD DONE PASSES BY AND
SCHOOL PLAYS AND MY AUNT CONVINCED ME TO AUDITION FOR THE
ONLY PROFESSIONAL THEATER AT THE TIME, PHOENIX PLAYERS.
AND I AUDITIONED FOR THE MUSICAL PRODUCTION OF "CINDERELLA."
I DID NOT GET THE PART.
I DID NOT GET ANY PART IN THAT, BECAUSE THE DIRECTOR FELT I WAS
TOO YOUNG.
A FEW MONTHS LATER I GOT A LETTER SAYING HE WANTED TO SEE
ME, AND I WENT IN WITH MY MOM, AND HE OFFERED ME JULIETTE IN
"ROMEO AND JULIETTE."
AND I BROKE DOWN AND CRIED BECAUSE I GREW UP LISTENING TO
MY DAD RECITE SHAKESPEARE TO ME.
SO IT WAS LIKE A LANGUAGE OF LOVE.
I'VE ALWAYS FELT VERY CONNECTED TO SHAKESPEARE, AND HERE I WAS
GOING TO BE PLAYING THE LEAD IN THE MOST FAMOUS LOVE STORY.
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
>> Stephen: YOU KINDLY SENT US THIS PHOTO RIGHT HERE.
CAN YOU TELL-- IF YOU CAN SEE THIS RIGHT HERE-- TELL US WHAT
THE PEOPLE AT HOME ARE SEEING RIGHT NOW.
WHO IS THAT?
IS THAT PLAYING LADY CAPOUELLETTE OR IS THAT LADY
PLAYING THE NURSE?
>> THAT LADY IS PLAYING THE NURSE, AND THAT'S THE SCENE
WHERE I AM ASKING HER TO TELL ME WHAT SHE'S FOUND OUT FROM ROMEO.
>> Stephen: WHAT DID 14-YEAR-OLD YOU THINK OF THIS
TRAGIC ROMANCE?
>> WELL, I MEAN, IT WAS-- LEONARDO DICAPRIO HAD JUST COME
OUT IN THE FILM "ROMEO AND JULIETTE."
>> Stephen: WITH CLAIRE DANS.
>> YES, AND I WAS MADLY IN LOVE WITH HIM.
FOR ME, THIS WAS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR ME TO BE THAT MUCH CLOSER TO
LEONARDO DICAPRIO.
AT THAT TIME, LOVE WAS-- THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT LOVE WAS, THIS
THING WHERE A MAN COMES AND CLAIMS YOU AND TAKES YOU AWAY,
KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR.
YOU DIE FOR EACH OTHER.
YEAH.
NOW I SEE A VERY DIFFERENT THING.
>> Stephen: NOW, THIS IS-- THIS IS A FASCINATING PROJECT.
YOU'RE TAKING ON JULIETTE AGAIN AS PART OF THIS BILINGUAL RADIO
PLAY BEING PRODUCED BY THE PUBLIC.
AND DIRECTED BY YOUR FRIEND SAHEEM ALI.
WHAT DO YOU AS AN ADULT THINK OF JULIETTE NOW?
BECAUSE ONE OF THE THINGS HE WILL SAY ABOUT JULIETTE, WHEN
YOU'RE HER AGE, YOU'RE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND JULIETTE.
WHEN YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND, YOU'RE TOO OLD TO
PLAY JULIETTE.
>> EXACTLY.
THAT'S WHY RADIO PLAY-- RADIO PLAY IS GREAT.
IT'S A GREAT CHANCE TO DO IT AGAIN.
AND I DON'T THINK I WOULD HAVE DONE IT AGAIN IF IT WASN'T THIS
NEW, BEING IN THE MEDIUM OF RADIO, AND ALSO BEING BILINGUAL.
I REALLY WANTED TO TRY MY HAND AT WORKING IN SPANISH.
BUT, I MEAN, FROM THIS POINT IN MY LIFE, BEFORE I SAW WHAT
OPPORTUNITIES OF LOVE THESE TWO HAD, AND NOW I JUST-- I REMEMBER
WHEN I WAS GETTING READY FOR IT, I FELT LIKE OH, MY GOD, THESE
KIDS ARE SO IRRESPONSIBLE, YOU KNOW.
THEY MEET EACH OTHER AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, THEY'RE MARRIED THE
NEXT DAY AND THEY DIE THE NEXT.
LIKE, THAT'S A LOT TO GIVE UP FOR A DUDE YOU JUST MET.
SO, ANYWAY, I HAD TO PUT ASIDE MY PRAGMATISM AT MY AGE AND MY
FEAR OF HEARTBREAK TO REALLY UNDERSTAND THEIR DEDICATION TO
EACH OTHER.
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU DO A RADIO PLAY WITH THIS MUCH, YOU
KNOW, CLIMBING AND KISSING AND FIGHTING AND POISONING?
HOW DO YOU DO THE PHYSICALITY OF "ROMEO AND JULIETTE," BECAUSE
THERE'S A LOT GOING ON.
>> TELL ME ABOUT IT.
I MEAN, DOING A PLAY OVER ZOOM WITH ALL THE TECHNICAL ISSUES ON
YOUR SHOULDERS AND TRYING TO CONNECT WITH ACTORS WITH
GLITCHES AND-- IT WAS A MAJOR HEADACHE.
AND ONE OF THE THINGS THAT WE HAD THE HARDEST-- ONE OF THE
THINGS WE GRAPPLED WITH WAS, LIKE THE KISSING, ESPECIALLY.
I REMEMBER ME AND JUAN CASTANO, WHO PLAYS ROMEO, HAVING REALLY
EXPLICIT CONVERSATIONS ABOUT OKAY, OKAY, WHO STARTED THIS
KISS?
HOW DO WE FEEL ABOUT IT?
IS IT A PECK?
IS IT A MOUTH-OPEN KISS?
IS IT A FRENCH KISS?
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT IT?
YOU KNOW, ALL THESE THINGS THAT YOU JUST WOULD NOT HAVE TO TALK
ABOUT IF YOU JUST HAD THE CHANCE TO PRACTICE AN ACTUAL KISS.
SO, YOU KNOW, WE HAD TO GET CREATIVE IN THAT WAY SO THAT WE
COULD BE TELLING THE SAME STORY.
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU DO THE KISS?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MAKE THE SOUND?
>> YOU HAVE THESE TWO FINGERS HERE.
I PERFECTED THIS.
IF YOU WANT A CLOSED KISS, YOU CLOSE YOUR FINGERS, AND THEN...
AND KISS IT LIKE THAT.
AND IF YOU WANT, LIKE, A SOGGY, WET KISS, YOU KEEP IT OPEN.
( LAUGHTER ) I CAN TEACH A WHOLE MASTER
CLASS.
>> Stephen: JST LIKE 14-YEAR-OLDS PRACTICE.
>> BASICALLY.
>> Stephen: YOU'VE BEEN BUSY DURING THE PANDEMIC.
BESIDE ALL THE OTHER PROJECTS, YOU'VE ALSO BEEN AN EXECUTIVE
PRODUCER OF THIS CARTOON CALLED "SUPER SEMA."
WHO IS "SUPER SEMA," AND WHAT'S HER SUPER POWER?
>> SUPER SEMA IS A YOUNG KENYAN GIRL WHO IS REALLY INTO STEM,
AND SHE USES STEM-- STEM TECHNOLOGY-- STEM THOUGHTS,
IDEAS, TO SAVE THE DAY FROM AN EVIL MAN CALLED TABOR.
AND IT'S-- I'M SO PROUD OF IT.
IT'S-- WHEN I FIRST SAW IT, I JUST WEPT BECAUSE I JUST NEVER
HAD THAT KIND OF REPRESENTATION WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.
AND I'M SO HAPPY THAT SHE EXISTS TO EXCITE PEOPLE, YOUNG KIDS
ABOUT STEM.
>> Stephen: DID YOU-- DID YOU HAVE ANY SUPER POWERS WHEN YOU
WERE YOUNG?
>> OH, I THINK MY SUPER POWER IS MY IMAGINATION.
I USED TO COMMIT TO MY IMAGINATION.
I REMEMBER -- >> Stephen: LIKE IMAGINARY
FRIENDS OR SOMETHING?
OR...
>> WELL, YES, I DID HAVE IMAGINARY FRIENDS, TO BE VERY
HONEST.
( LAUGHS ) I HAD FULL-BLOWN CONVERSATIONS
WITH PEOPLE WHO WEREN'T THERE.
I THINK MY MOM WAS QUITE-- QUITE CONCERNED FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH.
BUT I REMEMBER ONCE I WAS PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK WITH MY
SISTER, AND I REALLY COMMITTED TO IT.
IT WAS IN THE NIGHT.
AND I HID IN BETWEEN THE DINING TABLE AND THE CHAIRS.
AND I HAPPEN TO FALL ASLEEP THERE, AND THEY LOOKED FOR ME
ALL NIGHT AND DIDN'T FIND ME ( LAUGHS ).
>> Stephen: OH, MY GOD.
>> YEAH, SO I-- I MEANT BUSINESS.
>> Stephen: WOW.
THEY PROBABLY THOUGHT YOU'D RUN OFF WITH YOUR ROMEO
( LAUGHS ) >> Stephen: WELL, THE RADIO
PLAY OF T "ROMEO Y JULIETA"
IS AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOAD THIS THURSDAY FROM THE PUBLIC THEATER
AND WNYC STUDIOS.
LUPITA NYONG'O, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MARTIN FREEMAN.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK.
MY NEXT GUEST IS THE EMMY-AWARD WINNING ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM "THE
HOBBIT," "FARGO," AND "SHERLOCK."
HE NOW STARS IN "BREEDERS" ON FX.
>> I'M JUST WANTING TO BROWSE SOME SEMIPRO RIGS, NOT FULL-ON
PROFESSIONAL, BUT NOT FISHER-PRICE MACHINES, EITHER.
BUDGET?
400.
TWO 800-ISH, GRAND.
>> OKAY.
SO WE'VE GOT SOME ROOM TO MANEUVER.
>> YES, MY SON'S 13th BIRTHDAY IS THE AGE I WAS WHEN I
GOT MY FIRST PROPER CAMERA.
>> YOU'RE A PHOTOGRAPHER?
>> YEAH, I AM.
SORRY, NO, I'M NOT.
THESE DAYS IT'S JUST SNAPS WITH THE PHONE BUT I USED TO BE
PRETTY GOOD.
>> YEAH.
>> YEAH, I HAD AN EYE FOR THE COMPOSITION.
I WOULD TAKE A BUS TO RICHMOND PARK AND SIT THERE FOR HOURS ON
MY OWN PHOTOGRAPHING BIRDS, WILDLIFE.
CLOUDS.
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME, MARTIN FREEMAN!
HELLO, MARTIN FREEMAN.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
>> NICE TO SEE YOU, STEPHEN.
NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US FROM LONDON.
>> ACTUALLY, LIVERPOOL.
>> Stephen: OH, REALLY?
>> YES, I'M FILMING SOMETHING IN LIVERPOOL.
>> Stephen: U.K., LET'S ROUND IT OUT AND SAY YOU U.K., U.K.
THAT WOULD BE IMPRESSIVE, EXCEPT I JUST SPOKE TO LUPITA NYONG'O
FROM KENYA.
SO IT'S NOT A CONTEST, BUT SHE WON.
>> WHY DID SHE WIN.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE SHE'S FURTHER AWAY.
AND, I'M SORRY, KENYA IS A LITTLE MORE EXCITING THAN
LIVERPOOL?
>> YEAH, TELL THAT TO THE FABS, YOU DAMN...
>> Stephen: THEY LEFT!
>> THIS IS VERY TRUE.
( LAUGHS ).
>> Stephen: ARE YOU-- ARE YOU LIVERED PUDDLING YOURSELF?
>> NO, I'M NOT.
I'M WORKING IN LIVERPOOL.
>> Stephen: WHY DID YOU LAUGH OR DID YOU NOT LIKE ME SAYING
LIVERPUDDLING?
>> YOU WERE QUITE CORRECT.
I THINK IF I WAS LIVERPUDDLING, THAT WOULD HAVE COME UP BEFORE
IN ONE OF OUR MEETINGS.
I THINK IT WOULD.
AND ALSO I WOULDN'T SOUND LIKE THIS.
>> Stephen: WHAT WOULD YOU SOUND LIKE, MARTIN FREEMAN?
>> WHY DON'T YOU SHOW ME WHAT YOU WOULD SOUND LIKE?
>> Stephen: WELL, I CERTAINLY ENJOYED BEING IN "THE HOBBIT"
WITH PETER JACKSON.
THAT WAS NICE.
THAT'S NOT BAD AT ALL."
>> THAT'S A LOT BETTER THAN SOME OF YOUR FELLOW COUNTRYMEN.
>> Stephen: THAT'S GEORGE.
DOING GEORGE THERE.
>> I COULD TELL.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE I WAS PLAYING RHYTHM GUITAR THE ENTIRE
TIME.
>> IN YOUR EYES, YOU WERE.
>> Stephen: IT'S THE 20th ANNIVERSARY OF "THE OFFICE" THE
ORIGINAL "THE OFFICE."
YOU AND YOUR BREAKOUT-- YOUR FIRST MAJOR ROLE TIM CANTERBURY
"THE OFFICE."
YOU'RE A BIG DEAL NOW, BUT YOU SAID YOU'VE BEEN FAMOUS FOR 20
YEARS BUT YOU'VE NEVER GOTTEN GOOD AT BEING FAMOUS.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
>> I THINK BECAUSE SOMETHING HAPPENS TO YOU WHEN YOU BECOME
FAMOUS.
YOU KNOW, THINGS CHANGE, AND I THINK YOU'RE SORT OF EXPECTED TO
WEAR A SORT OF MANTLE, AND I'VE ONLY GOT-- I DON'T THINK I WEAR
IT VERY EASILY, I DON'T THINK.
I MEAN, OTHER PEOPLE WEAR THAT A LITTLE BIT BETTER THAN I DO,
MORE COMFORTABLY, OR SOMETHING.
AND I THINK IT-- I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST -- >> Stephen: DOES IT INVOLVE
BEING WILLING TO WAVE TO A CROWD OR STAND ON A RED CARPET?
WHAT'S THE PART OF IT THAT IS UNEASY WITH YOU?
>> I'LL-- IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, THE BIT THAT'S UNEASY WITH ME IS
WHEN YOU'RE-- WHEN YOU'RE IN A CAR ON THE WAY-- AND, LISTEN,
THESE ARE ALL, CLEARLY, GOOD PROBLEMS TO HAVE.
I ACKNOWLEDGE THAT.
BUT WHEN YOU'RE IN A CAR ON THE WAY TO THE RED CARPET, RIGHT,
AND YOU MAYBE JUST-- YOU KNOW, YOU'VE MAYBE JUST HAD ONE OF
THESE, OR WHATEVER, AS A LITTLE STRAIGHTENER.
AND YOU'RE IN THE CAR, AND AS YOU GET A LITTLE BIS CLOSER, YOU
START TO HEAR THAT...
NOISE.
AND IT-- IT'S NOT GOOD FOR MY NERVOUS SYSTEM.
I DON'T THINK IT'S...
IT DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL, "YEAH!
THIS IS GREAT!" IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE...
ANXIOUS.
YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: THE ROAR OF THE CROWD.
>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: SO YOU'RE NOT LIKE A GLADIATOR.
YOU FEEL LIKE THE MEAT BEING THROWN TO THE LIONS.
>> YEAH, KIND OF.
YES, YOU'RE SORT OF THE MEAT BEING THROWN TO THE LIONS, BUT
THE GAME IS YOU ARE REALLY THE GLADIATOR, BUT ACTUALLY INSIDE
YOU FEEL LIKE-- YEAH, YOU FEEL LIKE AN EARLY...
>> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUT THE FAN BASE.
YOU HAVE SOME INTENSE FAN BASE.
YOU'VE GOT "THE OFFICE FANS" THE MIDDLE EARTH "THE HOBBIT" FANS,
AND THE SHERLOCK FANS.
OF THOSE GROUPS, CAN YOU TELL WHO THEY ARE-- WHEN THEY
RECOGNIZE YOU, CAN YOU GO, "THAT'S FROM THIS SHOW OR THAT'S
FROM THAT MOVIE?" >> YES, YOU CAN A LITTLE BIT.
AND I DON'T KNOW WHETHER IT'S CHANGED-- BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
"THE OFFICE--" "SHERLOCK" THAT WAS ON 11 YEARS AGO FIRST TIME.
SO SOME OF THOSE FANS WOULD HAVE GROWN UP.
THERE WAS A PERIOD WHERE THERE WAS A KIND OF SWEET SPOT OF A
COUPLE OF YEARS WHERE I KNEW IF IT WAS A GIRL OR A WOMAN AGED
BETWEEN 16 AND 25 WITH LONG, DARK HAIR AND GLASSES AND A
RUCKSACK, THAT WAS "SHERLOCK" WITHOUT QUESTION, WITHOUT
QUESTION.
THEN THERE WOULD BE SOME SORT OF CONCENTRIC CIRCLE-- AND THEY'RE
ALSO ALLOWED TO LIKE "THE HOBBIT," AND THEY DO.
"OFFICE" FANS ARE MAINLY 53-YEAR-OLD MEN.
>> Stephen: SAD, SAD, 53-YEAR-OLD MEN.
>> THEY HAVEN'T GOT THE ENERGY TO RUN TOWARDS ME, THANK GOD.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
BUT FOLKS, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE MARTIN FREEMAN.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WE'RE BACK WITH THE STAR OF "BREEDERS," MARTIN FREEMAN.
THE NEW SHOW, IT'S IN SEASON TWO, IT'S CALLED "BREEDERS."
I UNDERSTAND THE SHOW CAME TO YOU IN A DREAM?
>> IT REALLY DID.
I HAD A DREAM-- I DREAMT ALMOST VERBATIM THE FIRST SCENE OF THE
FIRST SERIES, THE FIRST EPISODE.
AND IT WAS A DREAM-- IT SORT OF ECHOED REALITY, YOU KNOW, MY
REAL PARENTING, OF GOING UP THE STAIRS, AND FOR SOME REASON I
HAD TO BOLOK MY CHILDREN.
I HAD TO SHOUT AT THEM FOR SOME REASON.
I WAS TRYING TO TALK MYSELF DOWN FROM THE PESPIS, AND I THOUGHT
DON'T SHOUT.
YOU FEEL AWFUL WHEN YOU SCREAM AT THEM.
DON'T DO IT, DON'T DO IT.
I JUST ABOUT GOT TO THE TOP STEP, ON THE LANDING AND I
THOUGHT OKAY I'M JUST GOING TO BE CALM.
AND AS SOON AS I OPENED THE DOOR, I UNLEASHED HELL-- WHETHER
IT WAS JOE OR GRACE, I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: THIS IS JUST A DREAM.
>> THAT'S JUST A DREAM.
BUT I'VE DEFINITELY DONE IT.
I'VE DEFINITELY DONE IT.
AND I WOKE UP AND THOUGHT THAT-- THERE'S SOMETHING IN THAT.
BECAUSE IT WAS SO SORT OF RIDICULOUS AND SO KIND OF-- YOU
KNOW, MY CHARACTER IN THIS DREAM AND ME IS SO FLAWED, THAT FOR
ALL THE BEST INTENTIONS, THEY GO OUT THE WINDOW WHEN YOU'RE-- YOU
KNOW, WHEN YOUR TEMPER GOES.
AND I THOUGHT THAT COULD BE FUNNY IN A SORT OF DARK WAY, IN
A SORT OF REALISTIC WAY.
SO I SORT OF SET ABOUT WITH CHRIS ADAMSON AND SIMON
BLACKWELL TRYING TO MAKE A SHOW THAT WAS-- IN A COMEDIC SET AGO
AS CLOSE TO THE UNPROUD BITS OF PARENTING, AS IT WAS POSSIBLE TO
GET, YOU KNOW.
SO HOPEFULLY IT'S FUNNY.
BUT IT'S ALSO-- I DON'T KNOW, IN THAT PARTICULAR COMEDIC SETTING,
I'VE NOT SEEN SOMETHING THAT GOES AS FAR NEAR THE TRUTH OF
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SCREAM AT YOUR KIDS, LIKE, FOR REAL.
>> Stephen: AND IN THE SHOW, YOU ACTUALLY USE SOME PRETTY
SALTY LANGUAGE.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: BUT THAT DOESN'T-- MY UNDERSTANDING IS THAT YOU
DON'T ACTUALLY DO THAT WITH THESE CHILD ACTORS.
THAT YOU USE REPLACEMENT WORDS FOR THE TAKES THAT THEY'RE IN
THE ROOM FOR?
>> YES.
IN THE FIRST-- IN THE FIRST SEASON, THE KIDS WERE-- WE'VE
RECAST NOW.
SO THE STORY IS FIVE YEARS UP.
BUT IN THE FIRST SEASON, THE CHARACTERS OF OUR KIDS WERE,
LIKE, FIVE AND SEVEN-- OR FOUR AND SEVEN.
AND SO WHEN WE-- YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT QUITE RIGHTLY ALLOWED
TO SWEAR AND SCREEN, SWEARING ABUSE IN FRONT OF CHILDREN AT
CHILDREN.
WE WOULD HAVE THINGS THAT RHYMED WITH THE WORD OR OMIT THE WORD
ALL TOGETHER.
LIKE THE "F" WORD, WE WOULD TRY TO GET THROUGH WITHOUT SAYING
THE "F" WORD.
THEY WANT TO BE ABLE TO DUB IT IN POST.
IF YOU'RE SAYING FLOCK, IT SOUND LIKE THE RIGHT WORD.
OR I COULD GO WORSE, BUT I'M NOT GOING TO.
YOU GET THE PICTURE.
THINGS THAT RHYME WITH A BAD WORD THAT AREN'T ACTUALLY A BAD
WORD, SO YOU CAN SAY, "I DIDN'T SAY IT IN FRONT OF A
SEVEN-YEAR-OLD.
I ACTUALLY SAID FLOCK."
>> Stephen: BUT LATER YOU SAY IT AND IT GETS LAID IN.
AND I UNDERSTAND YOU LOVE A GOOD-- YOU LOVE A GOOD CUSSING.
>> YEAH, I MEAN, I'M AN-- I'M A NATURAL SWEARER.
I DO GENUINELY UNDERSTAND THAT IT'S NOT ALWAYS APPROPRIATE, AND
I WOULDN'T DO IT EVERYWHERE.
BUT I DO FIND IT HARD NOT TO, I HAVE TO SAY.
LIKE, YEAH, I HAVE TO CONCENTRATE TO NOT DO IT, YEAH.
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU LIKE-- WOULD YOU LIKE TO JUST CUT LOOSE
RIGHT NOW AND SERRIFYING THE CBS CENSORS.
THEY'LL JUST BLEEP IT.
DO YOU HAVE A FAV?
>> YOU STUPID ( LONG BLEEP ).
THAT, THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WOW.
>> BUT THEN-- THAT'S.
>> Stephen: WOW, THAT WAS GOOD.
I WANT TO TELL THE PEOPLE AT HOME, WHOM WILL NEVER HEAR ANY
OF THAT, THAT HE REPEATED ONE OF THE WORD, AND IT WAS ONE OF THE
GOOD ONES.
>> IT WAS ONE OF THE GOOD ONES.
IT WAS ONE OF THE MORE VALUABLE ONES IN SCRABBLE, YES.
LAUGH >> Stephen: SEASON TWO OF
"BREEDERS" PREMIERES MONDAY ON FX.
MARTIN FREEMAN, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE EARVIN "MAGIC" JOHNSON
AND COMEDIAN ERIC ANDRE.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT!