1 00:00:02,135 --> 00:00:03,103 >> ST. PATRICK'S DAY GIVING HEALTH OFFICIALS SOME EXTRA 2 00:00:03,169 --> 00:00:05,071 CAUSE FOR CONCERN ABOUT THE PANDEMIC THIS MORNING. 3 00:00:05,138 --> 00:00:08,942 THE C.D.C. IS URGING PEOPLE: AVOID BIG ST. PATRICK'S DAY 4 00:00:09,008 --> 00:00:09,676 CROWDS. 5 00:00:09,743 --> 00:00:11,745 STAY HOME. 6 00:01:03,062 --> 00:01:03,296 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW 7 00:01:05,064 --> 00:01:05,732 WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 8 00:01:05,799 --> 00:01:10,003 TONIGHT: KISS ME, I'M VACCINATED. 9 00:01:10,069 --> 00:01:15,008 PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES EARVIN "MAGIC" JOHNSON 10 00:01:15,074 --> 00:01:19,012 AND ERIC ANDRE FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY 11 00:01:19,078 --> 00:01:20,680 HUMAN. 12 00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:25,018 AND NOW, LIVE oN TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE 13 00:01:25,084 --> 00:01:29,923 BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 14 00:01:29,989 --> 00:01:32,025 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 15 00:01:32,091 --> 00:01:33,026 WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW." 16 00:01:33,092 --> 00:01:33,993 I AM YOU HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 17 00:01:34,060 --> 00:01:37,030 HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY! 18 00:01:37,096 --> 00:01:40,033 IT'S A BIG DAY FOR ME, SINCE I'M IRISH. 19 00:01:40,099 --> 00:01:43,203 I'M A COLBERT, I'M A TUCK, I'M A FEE, I'M A CONLEY, I'M A TORMIE, 20 00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:44,370 I'M AN O'NEILL. 21 00:01:44,437 --> 00:01:47,707 IN FACT, I SCORED 100% ON ROTTEN POTATOES. 22 00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:51,044 BECAUSE OF THE PANDEMIC, ST. PATRICK'S DAY IS VERY 23 00:01:51,110 --> 00:01:52,278 DIFFERENT THIS YEAR. 24 00:01:52,345 --> 00:01:54,013 FOR INSTANCE, HERE IN NEW YORK, THEY COULDN'T HOLD THE NORMAL 25 00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:55,181 PARADE. 26 00:01:55,248 --> 00:01:58,051 THEY JUST HAD A SMALL ONE TO KEEP THE TRADITION TECHNICALLY 27 00:01:58,117 --> 00:01:59,219 ALIVE. 28 00:01:59,285 --> 00:02:00,053 AND TO ENSURE NO CROWDS WOULD SHOW UP, ORGANIZERS INVITED 29 00:02:00,119 --> 00:02:03,223 BILL de BLASIO. 30 00:02:03,289 --> 00:02:06,392 THE C.D.C. IS TELLING PEOPLE TO STAY HOME THIS YEAR BECAUSE 31 00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:11,297 "ATTENDING GATHERINGS TO CELEBRATE ST. PATRICK'S DAY 32 00:02:11,364 --> 00:02:12,532 INCREASES YOUR RISK OF GETTING AND SPREADING COVID-19," AND AN 33 00:02:12,599 --> 00:02:15,935 EVEN GREATER RISK OF SPREADING CARTOONISH STEREOTYPES. 34 00:02:16,002 --> 00:02:20,139 ( AS LEPRECHUN ) "STAY SIX FEET AWAY FROM ME POT 35 00:02:20,206 --> 00:02:22,175 O' GOLD!" THE C.D.C.'S WARNING REALLY 36 00:02:22,242 --> 00:02:24,911 TAKES A SHELEIGHLEIGH TO ALL THE BELOVED ST. PADDY'S DAY 37 00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:29,315 TRADITIONS, LIKE GREEN BEER AND SHAMROCKS AND THOSE BUTTONS THAT 38 00:02:29,382 --> 00:02:30,583 SAY "LICK ME, I'M IRISH." 39 00:02:30,650 --> 00:02:33,753 AND I'M SURE THESE NEW WARNINGS ARE GOING TO BE VERY EFFECTIVE, 40 00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:36,489 BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING ST. PATRICK'S DAY IS KNOWN FOR, 41 00:02:36,556 --> 00:02:40,693 IT'S RESPONSIBLE DECISIONS. 42 00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:41,995 THE C.D.C. SAYS THAT "THE SAFEST WAY TO CELEBRATE ST. PATRICK'S 43 00:02:42,061 --> 00:02:44,564 DAY THIS YEAR IS TO GATHER VIRTUALLY." 44 00:02:44,631 --> 00:02:50,169 SO, HEARTFELT THANKS TO ALL THE REVELERS TONIGHT HAVING THEIR 45 00:02:50,236 --> 00:02:51,671 DRUNKEN FISTFIGHTS ON ZOOM. 46 00:02:51,738 --> 00:02:56,476 NOW, THE WHITE HOUSE GOT INTO THE ST. PATRICK'S DAY SPIRIT 47 00:02:56,543 --> 00:02:58,511 TODAY BY DYING THE WATER IN THE WHITE HOUSE FOUNTAIN, FINALLY 48 00:02:58,578 --> 00:03:00,113 DELIVERING ON JOE BIDEN'S CAMPAIGN PROMISE OF CREATING 49 00:03:00,179 --> 00:03:05,518 NEW GREEN JOBS. 50 00:03:05,585 --> 00:03:07,320 IN THE AFTERNOON, BIDEN HELD A VIRTUAL MEETING WITH IRISH 51 00:03:07,387 --> 00:03:10,690 TEE-SHOCK AND MAN WHOSE HAIR WAS DRIVEN OUT ALONG WITH IRELAND'S 52 00:03:10,757 --> 00:03:17,530 SNAKES, MICHAEL MARTIN. 53 00:03:17,597 --> 00:03:18,698 HIS NAME KIND OF LOOKS LIKE MICHAEL, BUT IT'S PRONOUNCED 54 00:03:18,765 --> 00:03:20,500 "MEE"-HOLE. 55 00:03:20,567 --> 00:03:23,436 IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE WEIRD IRISH THINGS, LIKE HOW SEAN IS 56 00:03:23,503 --> 00:03:26,139 PRONOUNCED SHAWN, AND SIOBHAN IS PRONOUNCED SHI-VAHN, AND SODA 57 00:03:26,205 --> 00:03:27,407 BREAD IS CONSIDERED FOOD. 58 00:03:27,473 --> 00:03:33,546 BIDEN CAME DRESSED FOR THE OCCASION WEARING A CLUMP OF 59 00:03:33,613 --> 00:03:35,515 SHAMROCKS IN HIS SUIT POCKET-- EITHER THAT, OR HE'S SLOWLY 60 00:03:35,582 --> 00:03:40,353 TURNING INTO A CHIA-PREZ. 61 00:03:40,420 --> 00:03:42,789 OF COURSE, THE REASON WE HAVE A LOT OF IRISH AMERICANS, BECAUSE 62 00:03:42,855 --> 00:03:45,224 OVER THE CENTURIES, AMERICANS HAVE COME TO THIS COUNTRY FROM 63 00:03:45,291 --> 00:03:46,426 ALL OVER THE WRLD. 64 00:03:46,492 --> 00:03:47,660 AND ONE GROUP OF AMERICANS TOO OFTEN THREATENED BY RACISM IS 65 00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:48,795 ASIAN AMERICANS. 66 00:03:48,861 --> 00:03:51,431 THE MOST RECENT, HORRIFYING EXAMPLE OF THAT THREAT JUST 67 00:03:51,497 --> 00:03:54,667 PLAYED OUT TRAGICALLY IN ATLANTA, WHERE EIGHT PEOPLE, 68 00:03:54,734 --> 00:04:01,040 INCLUDING SIX ASIAN WOMEN, WERE KILLED. 69 00:04:01,107 --> 00:04:02,208 AND I SEE ON THE TV THAT THE POLICE ARE REPORTING THAT THE 70 00:04:02,275 --> 00:04:04,611 GUY WHO DID IT SAYS IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE, BUT WHY 71 00:04:04,677 --> 00:04:05,078 SHOULD WE BELIEVE HIM? 72 00:04:05,144 --> 00:04:08,615 HE'S A MURDERER. 73 00:04:08,681 --> 00:04:10,116 AND THE FACT IS, SIX ASIAN WOMEN ARE DEAD AT A TIME WHEN THAT 74 00:04:10,183 --> 00:04:18,157 COMMUNITY IS ALREADY LIVING UNDER A CLOUD OF FEAR. 75 00:04:18,224 --> 00:04:22,228 AT MOMENTS LIKE THIS I-- I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY, OTHER THAN-- 76 00:04:22,295 --> 00:04:31,037 THAT OUR HEARTS GO OUT TO EVERYONE STRUCK BY THIS TERRIBLE 77 00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:36,809 TRAGEDY BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY ANSWERS, NOT IMMEDIATELY. 78 00:04:36,876 --> 00:04:40,747 THE ONLY ANSWER THAT COMES TO MIND IS A SIMPLE BUT STRANGELY 79 00:04:40,813 --> 00:04:45,485 DIFFICULT ONE THESE DAYS, AND THAT'S TO NOT HATE EACH 80 00:04:45,551 --> 00:04:47,553 OTHER, TO RECOGNIZE OUR COMMON HUMANITY. 81 00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:51,924 TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT WE'RE A NASHT OF IMMIGRANTS. 82 00:04:51,991 --> 00:04:53,459 WE MIGHT BELIEVE DIFFERENT THINGS, WE MIGHT NOT LOOK THE 83 00:04:53,526 --> 00:04:54,594 SAME, BUT WE ARE ALL AMERICANS. 84 00:04:54,661 --> 00:04:58,264 WE SHARE A COMMON BELIEF THAT ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL. 85 00:04:58,331 --> 00:05:01,734 AND IT IS THAT BELIEF ITSELF THAT MAKES PEOPLE WANT TO COME 86 00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:09,409 HIRE. 87 00:05:09,475 --> 00:05:11,010 IN FACT, THERE BEEN AN INCREASE OF PEOPLE ARRIVING HERE EVEN 88 00:05:11,077 --> 00:05:14,280 BEFORE JOE BIDEN TOOK OFFICE. 89 00:05:14,347 --> 00:05:16,916 THEN AFTER INAUGURATION, BIDEN ENDED THE PREVIOUS 90 00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:18,251 ADMINISTRATION'S MIGRANT POLICY OF IMMEDIATELY EXPELLING TEENS 91 00:05:18,317 --> 00:05:22,255 AND CHILDREN. 92 00:05:22,321 --> 00:05:23,523 IN FACT, THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY EXPECTS THE 93 00:05:23,589 --> 00:05:28,261 U.S. TO REACH A 20-YEAR HIGH IN NUMBERS OF MIGRANTS ARRIVING AT 94 00:05:28,327 --> 00:05:28,795 THE SOUTHERN BORDER. 95 00:05:28,861 --> 00:05:29,996 BUT THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. 96 00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:33,266 WE BUILT A WALL! 97 00:05:33,332 --> 00:05:36,269 BIG WALL, BEAUTIFUL WALL! 98 00:05:36,335 --> 00:05:38,504 NOBODY'S EVER SEEN A WALL QUITE LIKE THAT WALL! 99 00:05:38,571 --> 00:05:41,274 WAS THAT ALL BULL (BLEEP)? 100 00:05:41,340 --> 00:05:44,277 AND I'M BEING TOLD THAT WAS ALL BULL (BLEEP). 101 00:05:44,343 --> 00:05:46,345 WHILE THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION'S HEART WAS IN THE RIGHT PLACE, 102 00:05:46,412 --> 00:05:48,247 THEY DID NOT, APPARENTLY, PLAN FOR THIS INCREASE. 103 00:05:48,314 --> 00:05:50,750 AS A RESULT, RIGHT NOW, THERE ARE MORE THAN 4,000 MIGRANT 104 00:05:50,817 --> 00:05:55,955 CHILDREN IN BORDER PATROL CUSTODY. 105 00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:57,056 LAST NIGHT, PRESIDENT BIDEN SAT DOWN WITH ABC'S GEORGE 106 00:05:57,123 --> 00:05:58,624 STEPHANOPOULOS, WHO ASKED ABOUT THE SITUATION. 107 00:05:58,691 --> 00:06:00,460 >> DO YOU HAVE TO SAY QUITE CLEARLY, "DON'T COME"? 108 00:06:00,526 --> 00:06:01,627 >> YES. 109 00:06:01,694 --> 00:06:08,968 I CAN SAY QUITE CLEARLY, DON'T COME OVER. 110 00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:10,403 >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, BUT THEN WE SHOULD PROBABLY CHANGE THE 111 00:06:10,470 --> 00:06:13,306 POEM ON THE STATUE OF LIBERTY TO "GIVE ME YOUR TIRED, YOUR POOR. 112 00:06:13,372 --> 00:06:13,973 YOUR HUDDLED MASSES. 113 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:14,707 WAIT, HOW MANY IS A MASS? 114 00:06:14,774 --> 00:06:17,110 THAT'S A LOT. 115 00:06:17,176 --> 00:06:21,447 HOW ABOUT JUST A HUDDLED BUNCH OR A HUDDLED THROUPLE?" 116 00:06:21,514 --> 00:06:24,150 BUT BIDEN'S DE-INVITATION IS TEMPORARY. 117 00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:38,831 MOST OF THESE UNACCOMPANIED KIDS HAVE RELATIVES IN THE UNITED 118 00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:40,867 AND THE ADMINISTRATION'S GOAL IS TO REUNITE THESE KIDS WITH THEIR 119 00:06:40,933 --> 00:06:42,135 FAMILIES WITHIN A WEEK. 120 00:06:42,201 --> 00:06:42,735 BUT THEY DON'T HAVE THAT PROCESS IN PLACE YET, SO BIDEN ASKED THE 121 00:06:42,802 --> 00:06:43,703 MIGRANTS FOR PATIENCE. 122 00:06:43,770 --> 00:06:44,570 >> DON'T LEAVE YOUR TOWN OR CITY OR COMMUNITY. 123 00:06:44,637 --> 00:06:45,638 WE'RE IN THE PROCESS OF GETTING SET UP. 124 00:06:45,705 --> 00:06:47,707 ( AS BIDEN ) "RED ROVER, RED ROVER, DON'T 125 00:06:47,774 --> 00:06:48,441 SEND MIGRANTS RIGHT OVER, JACK. 126 00:06:48,508 --> 00:06:49,642 HOW DO YOU SAY "JACK" IN SPANISH? 127 00:06:49,709 --> 00:06:50,843 JACKAMOLE? 128 00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:51,344 C'MON. 129 00:06:51,410 --> 00:06:54,614 WAIT, DON'T C'MON." 130 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,082 SO, BIDEN'S GOING TO DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY, BUT IT'S NOT A 131 00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:57,917 QUICK FIX. 132 00:06:57,984 --> 00:07:01,521 AMERICA'S IMMIGRATION POLICY HAS BEEN A MESS FOR DECADES. 133 00:07:01,587 --> 00:07:04,557 OBAMA TRIED TO DEAL WITH IT IN HIS WAY. 134 00:07:04,624 --> 00:07:06,993 THAT WASN'T GREAT. 135 00:07:07,059 --> 00:07:08,194 THE LAST GUY TRIED TO DEAL WITH IT IN HIS WAY, WHICH WASN'T 136 00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:09,362 GREAT AGAIN. 137 00:07:09,428 --> 00:07:14,367 NOW BIDEN'S GOING TO TRY HIS WAY, BUT BETWEEN THE PANDEMIC, 138 00:07:14,433 --> 00:07:17,370 AND THE ECONOMY, AND THE CAPITOL RIOT, HE INHERITED QUITE A MESS. 139 00:07:17,436 --> 00:07:21,107 WHEN HE WALKED IN THE WHITE HOUSE, IT LOOKED LIKE THIS. 140 00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:23,142 STEPHANOPOULOS ALSO ASKED BIDEN ABOUT SOMETHING HE SAID TO 141 00:07:23,209 --> 00:07:25,378 VLADIMIR PUTIN. 142 00:07:25,444 --> 00:07:27,380 >> YOU SAID YOU KNOW HE DOESN'T HAVE A SOUL. 143 00:07:27,446 --> 00:07:28,381 >> I DID SAY THAT TO HIM, YES. 144 00:07:28,447 --> 00:07:32,385 AND HIS RESPONSE WAS "WE UNDERSTAND ONE ANOTHER." 145 00:07:32,451 --> 00:07:33,186 I WASN'T BEING A WISE GUY. 146 00:07:33,252 --> 00:07:34,554 I WAS ALONE WITH HIM IN HIS OFFICE. 147 00:07:34,620 --> 00:07:37,390 I SAID, "I LOOKED IN YOUR EYES, AND I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE A 148 00:07:37,456 --> 00:07:38,457 SOUL." 149 00:07:38,524 --> 00:07:41,394 HE LOOKED BACK AND SAID, "WE UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER." 150 00:07:41,460 --> 00:07:42,395 >> Stephen: WOW. 151 00:07:42,461 --> 00:07:43,629 BADASS JOE! 152 00:07:43,696 --> 00:07:52,405 THAT SOUNDS LIKE JAMES BOND IN A SCENE FROM "DR. NO MALARKEY." 153 00:07:52,471 --> 00:07:56,409 >> A NEW INTELLIGENCE REPORT SAYS RUSSIA TRIED TO HELP THE 154 00:07:56,475 --> 00:07:59,111 EX-PRESIDENT IN THE 2020 ELECTION. 155 00:07:59,178 --> 00:08:01,414 YES, RUSSIA PITCHED IN, ALONG WITH THE EX-PRESIDENT'S OTHER 156 00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:07,420 ALLIES: FOX NEWS, MYPILLOWS, INSTITUTIONAL RACISM, AND THE 157 00:08:07,486 --> 00:08:09,722 UNITED FEDERATION OF TERRIBLE UNCLES. 158 00:08:09,789 --> 00:08:12,658 PUTIN HELPING THE EX-PRESIDENT IN THE LAST ELECTION IS 159 00:08:12,725 --> 00:08:13,659 APPALLING, BUT NOT EXACTLY A SHOCKER. 160 00:08:13,726 --> 00:08:17,096 WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEW SEGMENT ABOUT THE OLD 161 00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:19,198 ADMINISTRATION, "EXACTLY WHAT YOU THOUGHT, BUT WORSE THAN YOU 162 00:08:19,265 --> 00:08:20,800 IMAGINED." 163 00:08:20,867 --> 00:08:26,205 ( SNARLING ) AT THIS POINT, PUTIN'S MEDDLING 164 00:08:26,272 --> 00:08:30,376 IN OUR ELECTIONS FEELS LIKE OLD NEWS. 165 00:08:30,443 --> 00:08:33,212 BUT IT'S NOT. 166 00:08:33,279 --> 00:08:34,614 IT'S NEW NEWS! 167 00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:35,982 AND IN A NEW NEWS CLIP RELEASED THIS MORNING, STEPHANOPOULOS 168 00:08:36,048 --> 00:08:38,117 ASKED THE PRESIDENT WHAT HE WAS GOING TO DO ABOUT THE NEW NEWS. 169 00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:43,089 >> THE DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE CAME OUT WITH A 170 00:08:43,155 --> 00:08:44,790 REPORT SAYING THAT VLADIMIR PUTIN AUTHORIZED OPERATIONS 171 00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:47,793 DURING THE ELECTION TO DENIGRATE YOU, SUPPORT PRESIDENT TRUMP, 172 00:08:47,860 --> 00:08:49,695 UNDERMINE OUR ELECTIONS, DIVIDE OUR SOCIETY. 173 00:08:49,762 --> 00:08:53,132 WHAT PRICE MUST HE PAY? 174 00:08:53,199 --> 00:08:56,502 >> HE WILL PAY A PRICE. 175 00:08:56,569 --> 00:08:57,737 WE HAD A LONG TALK, HE AND I. 176 00:08:57,803 --> 00:09:00,072 I KNOW HIM RELATIVELY WELL, AND THE CONVERSATION STARTED OFF-- 177 00:09:00,139 --> 00:09:02,541 I SAID, "I KNOW YOU AND YOU KNOW ME. 178 00:09:02,608 --> 00:09:04,977 IF I ESTABLISH THIS OCCURRED, THEN BE PREPARED." 179 00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:08,681 >> Stephen: IN OTHER WORDS: >> RUSSIA, IF YOU'RE 180 00:09:08,748 --> 00:09:10,483 LISTENING... 181 00:09:10,549 --> 00:09:13,319 IT'S PAYBACK TIME!" >> Stephen: AND PAYBACK'S A 182 00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:15,488 BORSCHT. 183 00:09:15,554 --> 00:09:18,491 TO TEST THAT BIDEN REALLY KNEW PUTIN, STEPHANPOLOUS GAVE HIM A 184 00:09:18,557 --> 00:09:19,825 POP QUIZ. 185 00:09:19,892 --> 00:09:21,060 >> SO YOU KNOW VLADIMIR PUTIN. 186 00:09:21,127 --> 00:09:22,495 YOU THINK HE IS A KILLER? 187 00:09:22,561 --> 00:09:25,498 >> UH-HUH, I DO. 188 00:09:25,564 --> 00:09:26,732 >> Stephen: WOW, THAT WAS EASY. 189 00:09:26,799 --> 00:09:30,503 DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW GOOD IT FEELS TO HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO 190 00:09:30,569 --> 00:09:32,705 ACKNOWLEDGES REALITY? 191 00:09:32,772 --> 00:09:34,206 >> UH-HUH, I DO. 192 00:09:34,273 --> 00:09:37,743 >> Stephen: FINALLY, AFTER FOUR YEARS OF THE OLD GUY, WE HAVE A 193 00:09:37,810 --> 00:09:40,947 PRESIDENT WHO'S GOING TO STAND UP TO DICTATORS. 194 00:09:41,013 --> 00:09:42,748 ( AS BIDEN ) "HEY, PUTIN, YOU'RE A SOULLESS 195 00:09:42,815 --> 00:09:43,616 KILLER. 196 00:09:43,683 --> 00:09:45,217 KIM JONG-UN, WHAT'S WITH THAT HAIR, MAN? 197 00:09:45,284 --> 00:09:49,288 YOU USE A FLOWBEE WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED? 198 00:09:49,355 --> 00:09:49,689 ZING! 199 00:09:49,755 --> 00:09:50,489 HEY, DUTERTE. 200 00:09:50,556 --> 00:09:52,024 MORE LIKE DOO-DOO TERTE, AM I RIGHT? 201 00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:54,060 HEY, ERDOGAN, YOU MIGHT BE FROM TURKEY, BUT YOUR GOOSE IS 202 00:09:54,126 --> 00:09:57,630 COOKED! 203 00:09:57,697 --> 00:09:59,899 HEY MOHAMMED BIN SALMAN, YOU-- THINGS ARE GOING TO CHANGE, 204 00:09:59,966 --> 00:10:00,900 BUSTER, SOON AS THERE'S PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST. 205 00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:03,636 SO, WATCH IT." 206 00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:07,039 THE REPORT SAYS RUSSIA WORKED TO PUSH MISLEADING OR 207 00:10:07,106 --> 00:10:10,543 UNSUBSTANTIATED ALLEGATIONS AGAINST PRESIDENT BIDEN TO U.S. 208 00:10:10,609 --> 00:10:13,679 MEDIA ORGANIZATIONS, AND TRIED TO "UNDERMINE PUBLIC CONFIDENCE 209 00:10:13,746 --> 00:10:17,550 IN THE ELECTORAL PROCESS AND EXACERBATE SOCIOPOLITICAL 210 00:10:17,616 --> 00:10:18,784 DIVISIONS IN THE U.S." 211 00:10:18,851 --> 00:10:21,687 OH, THAT MUST BE NICE FOR THE EX-PRESIDENT TO DISCOVER THAT HE 212 00:10:21,754 --> 00:10:24,557 AND HIS FRIEND HAVE ALL THE SAME HOBBIES! 213 00:10:24,623 --> 00:10:26,225 I WONDER IF PUTIN ALSO LOVES COMPLAINING ABOUT LOW-FLOW 214 00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,493 TOILETS? 215 00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:31,564 THIS DISINFORMATION CAMPAIGN CAME RIGHT FROM THE TOP. 216 00:10:31,630 --> 00:10:34,767 ACCORDING TO U.S. INTELLIGENCE, PUTIN WAS "AWARE OF AND PROBABLY 217 00:10:34,834 --> 00:10:38,571 DIRECTED" THE OPERATION TO HURT BIDEN AND GIVE THE EX-PRESIDENT 218 00:10:38,637 --> 00:10:40,306 A BOOST. 219 00:10:40,373 --> 00:10:43,609 NOW, ALL THROUGH THE ELECTION, WE WERE WARNED BY THE 220 00:10:43,676 --> 00:10:53,519 INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITIES TO BE ON GUARD AGAINST PUTIN, AGAINST 221 00:10:53,586 --> 00:10:55,187 RUSSIA USING DISINFORMATION TO HELP THE FORMER PRESIDENT AND 222 00:10:55,254 --> 00:10:56,322 HIS ADMINISTRATION. 223 00:10:56,389 --> 00:10:57,256 THERE WAS JUST ONE WEAK LINK IN OUR DEFENES: THE FORMER 224 00:10:57,323 --> 00:11:00,426 PRESIDENT AND HIS ADMINISTRATION. 225 00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:02,495 BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT, THIS RUSSIAN PROPAGANDA "WAS OPENLY 226 00:11:02,561 --> 00:11:06,165 EMBRACED, BY THE EX-PRESIDENT'S ALLIES." 227 00:11:06,232 --> 00:11:08,834 ( AS ERIC ) "DAD, I HEARD YOU AND YOUR 228 00:11:08,901 --> 00:11:11,871 FRIENDS ARE OPENLY EMBRACING NOW! 229 00:11:11,937 --> 00:11:15,441 CAN I GET IN ON THAT? 230 00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:16,609 I'D SETTLE FOR EYE CONTACT." 231 00:11:16,675 --> 00:11:19,245 DAD! 232 00:11:19,311 --> 00:11:25,618 RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE TARGETED REPUBLICANS USING A GO-BETWEEN: 233 00:11:25,684 --> 00:11:30,122 UKRAINIAN PARLIAMENT MEMBER AND STAR OF "N.Y.-K.G.B. BLUE," 234 00:11:30,189 --> 00:11:33,626 ANDRII DERKACH. 235 00:11:33,692 --> 00:11:39,632 DERKACH-- OR SOMETHINGMET WITH RUDY GIULIANI AND OTHER USEFUL 236 00:11:39,698 --> 00:11:41,834 IDIOTS AND FED THEM MISINFORMATION ABOUT JOE BIDEN'S 237 00:11:41,901 --> 00:11:44,203 FAMILY, WHICH WAS THEN REPEATED BY FRIENDS OF THE EX-PRESIDENT 238 00:11:44,270 --> 00:11:48,808 AND FRIENDS OF TREASON, LIKE G.O.P. REPRESENTATIVES JIM 239 00:11:48,874 --> 00:11:50,242 JORDAN, DEVIN NUNES, AND FOX HOST SEAN HANNITY. 240 00:11:50,309 --> 00:11:53,279 THOUGHTFUL OF THEM TO MAKE PUTIN'S JOB EASIER. 241 00:11:53,345 --> 00:11:56,315 ( WITH RUSSIAN ACCENT ) "OKAY 242 00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:58,050 PLAN IS TO INFILTRATE AMERICAN SOCIAL MEDIA WITH CAREFULLY 243 00:11:58,117 --> 00:12:01,287 SCRIPTED MATERIAL THAT INSINUA- WHAT'S THAT? 244 00:12:01,353 --> 00:12:03,823 DEVIN NUNES IS JUST GOING TO GO ON "HANNITY" AND REPEAT IT 245 00:12:03,889 --> 00:12:04,390 WERBATIM? 246 00:12:04,457 --> 00:12:05,591 OKAY, WEEKEND IS CLEAR! 247 00:12:05,658 --> 00:12:10,096 WHO WANTS TO COME TO THE DACHA AND PLAY POISON THE NAVALNY?" 248 00:12:10,162 --> 00:12:14,133 WHEN ASKED ABOUT IT, JIM JORDAN DENIED ANY KNOWLEDGE OF THE 249 00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:15,401 RUSSIAN SMEAR CAMPAIGN. 250 00:12:15,468 --> 00:12:16,836 >> I NEVER SAW, NEVER HEARD OF, NEVER WAS TOLD ABOUT ANY TYPE OF 251 00:12:16,902 --> 00:12:17,736 ABUSE. 252 00:12:17,803 --> 00:12:24,710 IF I HAD BEEN, I WOULD HAVE DEALT WITH IT. 253 00:12:24,777 --> 00:12:25,845 >> Stephen: OH, WAIT, I'M SORRY. 254 00:12:25,911 --> 00:12:27,179 THAT WAS JORDAN DENYING ANY KNOWLEDGE OF SEXUAL ABUSE OF 255 00:12:27,246 --> 00:12:29,682 COLLEGE ATHLETES WHEN HE WAS A WRESTLING COACH. 256 00:12:29,748 --> 00:12:30,883 HOW DID THAT GET IN THERE? 257 00:12:30,950 --> 00:12:33,886 SO WHY IS THIS WORSE THAN YOU IMAGINED? 258 00:12:33,953 --> 00:12:36,755 BECAUSE JIM JORDAN AND DEVIN NUNES AND OTHER "STOP THE STEAL" 259 00:12:36,822 --> 00:12:40,926 LIARS LIKE SENATOR RON JOHNSON WERE IN OUR CAPITOL, PARROTING 260 00:12:40,993 --> 00:12:43,762 THE PROPAGANDA OF OUR SWORN ENEMY. 261 00:12:43,829 --> 00:12:47,433 THAT'S LIKE YOUR HIGH SCHOOL'S CHEERLEADING SQUAD CHANTING, 262 00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:49,135 "U-G-L-Y WE AIN'T GOT NO ALIBI 263 00:12:49,201 --> 00:12:49,668 WE'RE UGLY! 264 00:12:49,735 --> 00:12:51,036 OOH-OOH AND CLUMSY! 265 00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:59,478 WE SUCK!" I COULD HAVE MADE THE QUAD. 266 00:12:59,545 --> 00:13:02,014 YOU CAN'T SEE I'M DOING THE FULL SPLIT. 267 00:13:02,081 --> 00:13:03,015 I'M DOING THE FULL SPLIT. 268 00:13:03,082 --> 00:13:06,785 IF IT WAS A WIDER SHOT, YOU COULD SEE. 269 00:13:06,852 --> 00:13:09,321 NOW, HISTORICALLY, WHEN A MEMBER OF ANY GOVERNMENT WORKS TO 270 00:13:09,388 --> 00:13:10,990 ADVANCE THE INTERESTS OF A FOREIGN ADVERSARY, THERE ARE 271 00:13:11,056 --> 00:13:12,158 GRAVE CONSEQUENCES-- OFTEN INVOLVING A GRAVE. 272 00:13:12,224 --> 00:13:15,928 SO THE EX-PRESIDENT TOOK GUYS LIKE JORDAN AND NUNES, LINED 273 00:13:15,995 --> 00:13:20,733 THEM UP, AND GOT THEM RIGHT IN THE HEART, WITH MEDALS OF 274 00:13:20,799 --> 00:13:21,967 FREEDOM. 275 00:13:22,034 --> 00:13:25,337 THEY GOT THEM FOR SERVICE TO THEIR COUNTRY. 276 00:13:25,404 --> 00:13:27,606 MAYBE ONE DAY IT WILL BE AMERICA. 277 00:13:27,673 --> 00:13:29,775 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 278 00:13:29,842 --> 00:13:33,612 I'LL BE TALKING TO EARVIN "MAGIC" JOHNSON. 279 00:13:33,679 --> 00:13:38,184 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I DEFEND A FEMALE DAYTIME TALK SHOW HOST 280 00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:39,585 WHO WILL NOT BE CENSORED. 281 00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:41,654 STICK AROUND. 282 00:14:02,841 --> 00:14:03,776 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, 283 00:14:03,842 --> 00:14:04,777 WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW." 284 00:14:04,843 --> 00:14:06,912 LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE. 285 00:14:06,979 --> 00:14:07,513 HELLO, JON! 286 00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:08,948 >> Jon: HELLO, STEPHEN. 287 00:14:09,014 --> 00:14:09,782 HOW YOU FEELING? 288 00:14:09,848 --> 00:14:10,783 >> Stephen: I'M FEELING GOOD. 289 00:14:10,849 --> 00:14:11,850 GOOD TO SEE YOU. 290 00:14:11,917 --> 00:14:15,955 AS OF MIDNIGHT TOMORROW, THE NEW ALBUM DROPS. 291 00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:17,323 "JON BATISTE WE ARE." 292 00:14:17,389 --> 00:14:18,224 >> Jon: OH! 293 00:14:18,290 --> 00:14:20,025 >> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL. 294 00:14:20,092 --> 00:14:24,396 AND I LOVE THIS DEDICATION TO THE FRONT. 295 00:14:24,463 --> 00:14:27,766 "DEDICATED TO THE DREAMERS SEERS, AND TRUTH-TELLERS WHO 296 00:14:27,833 --> 00:14:30,970 REFUSE TO LET US FULLY DESCEND INTO MADNESS." 297 00:14:31,036 --> 00:14:31,470 >> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT. 298 00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:32,738 YOU'RE ONE OF THEM. 299 00:14:32,805 --> 00:14:35,808 YOU KNOW, WE HAVE TO PEOPLE OUT HERE WHO ARE FIGHTING THE WAR TO 300 00:14:35,874 --> 00:14:37,243 KEEP TRUTH AND JOY ALIVE. 301 00:14:37,309 --> 00:14:37,743 THAT'S RIGHT. 302 00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:38,944 >> Stephen: I AGREE. 303 00:14:39,011 --> 00:14:43,582 I LIKE THIS "LET US-- WHO REFUSE TO LET US FULLY DESCEND INTO 304 00:14:43,649 --> 00:14:44,717 MADNESS." 305 00:14:44,783 --> 00:14:46,852 JUST THAT-- JUST THAT MUCH MADNESS IS JUST A LITTLE SPICE 306 00:14:46,919 --> 00:14:48,520 IN THE POT. 307 00:14:48,587 --> 00:14:49,622 WE CAN'T FULLY GO. 308 00:14:49,688 --> 00:14:51,357 >> Jon: WE CAN'T FULLY GO. 309 00:14:51,423 --> 00:14:52,958 IT'S ALWAYS GOING TO BE SOMETHING, THOUGH. 310 00:14:53,025 --> 00:14:54,159 IT WILL ALWAYS BE SOMETHING. 311 00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:58,197 THAT'S WHY WE'VE GOT TO KEEP FIGHTING TO KEEP THE BALANCE. 312 00:14:58,264 --> 00:15:02,534 >> Stephen: THIS WILL HOLD BACK THE BALANCE THERE. 313 00:15:02,601 --> 00:15:03,569 WE ARE JON BATISTE. 314 00:15:03,636 --> 00:15:06,171 CAN YOU GIVE US A LITTLE TASTE BEFORE WE GO ON? 315 00:15:06,238 --> 00:15:09,541 >> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS. 316 00:15:09,608 --> 00:15:15,948 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 317 00:15:16,015 --> 00:15:17,650 >> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON. 318 00:15:17,716 --> 00:15:22,855 JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY. 319 00:15:22,921 --> 00:15:27,860 YOU KNOW, FOLKS, BEING A TALK SHOW HOST IS A BROTHERHOOD, AND 320 00:15:27,926 --> 00:15:29,094 A SISTERHOOD. 321 00:15:29,161 --> 00:15:33,432 AND I JUST NEED TO TAKE A MOMENT HERE TO TALK ABOUT A CRISIS IN 322 00:15:33,499 --> 00:15:35,701 DAYTIME TALK, FEATURING A COLLEAGUE WHO I THINK IS GETTING 323 00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:36,769 A LOT OF UNFAIR CRITICISM. 324 00:15:36,835 --> 00:15:39,638 I'M REFERRING TO, OF COURSE, TALK SHOW HOST AND WOMAN 325 00:15:39,705 --> 00:15:42,508 WATCHING YOU PICK UP THE BUFFET COLE SLAW WITH YOUR HANDS, WENDY 326 00:15:42,574 --> 00:15:44,076 WILLIAMS. 327 00:15:44,143 --> 00:15:48,881 WILLIAMS WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF HER SHOW MONDAY, TALKING ABOUT 328 00:15:48,947 --> 00:15:50,683 THE LATEST KIM KARDASHIAN NEWS, WHEN THIS HAPPENED: 329 00:15:50,749 --> 00:15:53,385 >> SHE'S PROBABLY GOT FIVE NEW BOYFRIENDS. 330 00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:55,821 WE HAVEN'T CAUGHT ANYBODY COMING OUT OF THE HOUSE YET BUT, YOU 331 00:15:55,888 --> 00:15:58,157 KNOW, IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME. 332 00:15:58,223 --> 00:15:59,491 SHE'S NOT LONELY. 333 00:15:59,558 --> 00:16:01,026 ( BURP/FART COMBO ) I APOLOGIZE. 334 00:16:01,093 --> 00:16:02,995 I APOLOGIZE. 335 00:16:03,062 --> 00:16:06,432 >> Stephen: DON'T YOU DARE APOLOGIZE, WENDY! 336 00:16:06,498 --> 00:16:10,569 THAT WAS AN AMAZING ROOTIN' TOOTIN' BURP-FART MOUTHBUTT 337 00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:12,404 SAMPLER PLATTER! 338 00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:19,044 WENDY WAS SLINGIN' SUCH HOT GOSS, HER G.I. TRACT JUST HAD TO 339 00:16:19,111 --> 00:16:25,017 CHIME IN AND DISH. 340 00:16:25,084 --> 00:16:25,551 ALSO, WHY NOT LET 'EM RIP? 341 00:16:25,617 --> 00:16:26,352 NO ONE CARES! 342 00:16:26,418 --> 00:16:31,957 EVERYBODY'S ALREADY WEARING A MASK. 343 00:16:32,024 --> 00:16:33,792 ALSO, ALSO, I GOT TO SHOUT OUT WENDY'S SOUND TEAM. 344 00:16:33,859 --> 00:16:34,660 THAT IS A PRECISION MIC SETUP. 345 00:16:34,727 --> 00:16:35,728 HOW DID THEY TECH THAT? 346 00:16:35,794 --> 00:16:37,029 "MS. WILLIAMS, WE JUST NEED TO DO A QUICK MIC CHECK. 347 00:16:37,096 --> 00:16:44,503 WOULD YOU MIND FARTING TO TEN?" ( LAUGHTER ) 348 00:16:44,570 --> 00:16:46,538 BUT HERE, HERE IS WHERE STEVE-O COMES TO THE DEFENSE: AS A 349 00:16:46,605 --> 00:16:50,209 FELLOW TALK SHOW HOST, I KNOW THAT GOING LIVE TAKES A LOT OF 350 00:16:50,275 --> 00:16:55,013 GUTS, OUT OF WHICH SOUND SOMETIMES COMES. 351 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,950 MY SHOW IS, ON MOST NIGHTS, PRETAPED, WHICH MEANS I HAVE THE 352 00:16:58,016 --> 00:17:00,953 LUXURY OF EDITING STUFF OUT. 353 00:17:01,019 --> 00:17:05,591 AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ABOUT TO DO THIS. 354 00:17:05,657 --> 00:17:07,893 I CAN'T BELIEVE THE COURAGE I'M ABOUT TO SHOW. 355 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:11,130 BUT, JIMMY, LET'S DEMONSTRATE TO THEM THE MOMENTS WE EDITED FROM 356 00:17:11,196 --> 00:17:11,964 LAST NIGHT'S MONOLOGUE. 357 00:17:12,030 --> 00:17:13,198 WELCOME TO-- ( LOUD FART ) 358 00:17:13,265 --> 00:17:14,166 -- "A LATE SHOW." 359 00:17:14,233 --> 00:17:16,969 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT ( BURP ) 360 00:17:17,035 --> 00:17:18,103 DEMOCRATS HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING ABOUT THE FILIBRUSTER-- 361 00:17:18,170 --> 00:17:19,972 ( FART ) -- YET. 362 00:17:20,038 --> 00:17:21,306 ( FART ) BUT THERE ARE MURMURS-- 363 00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:22,975 ( FART ) -- AND RUMORS 364 00:17:23,041 --> 00:17:24,009 ( FART ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 365 00:17:24,076 --> 00:17:25,477 TONIGHT. 366 00:17:25,544 --> 00:17:27,880 ( LONG FART ) MY GUESTS ARE LUPITA NYONG'O AND 367 00:17:27,946 --> 00:17:29,314 MARTIN FREEMAN, BUT WHEN WE RETURN-- 368 00:17:29,381 --> 00:17:33,819 ( FART ) "MEANWHILE"! 369 00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:35,788 STICK AROUND. 370 00:17:35,854 --> 00:17:37,589 I KNOW, PRETTY EMBARRASSING. 371 00:17:37,656 --> 00:17:40,092 I SAID "FILIBRUSTER." 372 00:17:40,159 --> 00:17:41,560 YOU STAY STRONG, WENDY. 373 00:17:41,627 --> 00:17:43,629 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH EARVIN "MAGIC" JOHNSON. 374 00:17:58,076 --> 00:17:59,011 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, 375 00:17:59,077 --> 00:18:00,546 WELCOME BACK. 376 00:18:00,612 --> 00:18:01,947 HE IS A FIVE-TIME N.B.A. 377 00:18:02,014 --> 00:18:04,850 CHAMPION WITH THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS, AN OLYMPIC GOLD 378 00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:09,388 MEDALIST, AND THE C.E.O. OF MAGIC JOHNSON ENTERPRISES. 379 00:18:09,455 --> 00:18:12,758 PLEASE WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW," EARVIN "MAGIC" JOHNSON! 380 00:18:12,825 --> 00:18:13,292 HEY, MAGIC! 381 00:18:13,358 --> 00:18:15,060 >> HEY, HEY, STEPHEN. 382 00:18:15,127 --> 00:18:16,295 HOW YOU DOING, MAN? 383 00:18:16,361 --> 00:18:17,429 >> Stephen: I'M DOING FINE. 384 00:18:17,496 --> 00:18:20,232 YOU KNOW, PEOPLE MIGHT ASSUME, BECAUSE I DO THIS SHOW AND 385 00:18:20,299 --> 00:18:23,202 YOU'RE A FAMOUS PERSON, THAT WE'VE MET BEFORE. 386 00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:25,204 WE'VE NEVER LAID EYES ON EACH OTHER BEFORE. 387 00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:25,971 THIS IS IT. 388 00:18:26,038 --> 00:18:27,272 >> THAT'S RIGHT. 389 00:18:27,339 --> 00:18:28,841 THE VERY FIRST TIME. 390 00:18:28,907 --> 00:18:30,809 BUT YOU'RE A COOL BROTHER, MAN. 391 00:18:30,876 --> 00:18:32,244 I LIKE YOU A LOT. 392 00:18:32,311 --> 00:18:35,481 >> Stephen: THAT'S-- QUITE A COMPLIMENT COMING FROM YOU. 393 00:18:35,547 --> 00:18:38,183 I'M GOING TO BREAK SOME NEWS HERE, AND YOU MIGHT NOT EVEN 394 00:18:38,250 --> 00:18:40,853 KNOW THIS NEWS. 395 00:18:40,919 --> 00:18:44,089 MAGIC HAD A TALK SHOW CALLED "THE MAGIC HOUR," AND I DON'T 396 00:18:44,156 --> 00:18:47,659 KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS, BUT I WAS ORIGINALLY OFFERED THE ROLE OF 397 00:18:47,726 --> 00:18:52,164 YOUR SIDE KICK ON "THE MAGIC HOUR." 398 00:18:52,231 --> 00:18:54,366 ( LAUGHTER ) AND I FORGOT WHO YOU ENDED UP 399 00:18:54,433 --> 00:18:55,534 ACTUALLY GETTING. 400 00:18:55,601 --> 00:19:00,806 BUT I WAS THE GUY THEY CAME TO AND THEY SAID, "WOULD YOU BE 401 00:19:00,873 --> 00:19:02,007 THIS? 402 00:19:02,074 --> 00:19:05,777 I COULDN'T DO TBECAUSE I WAS JUST HIRED AT "THE DAILY SHOW." 403 00:19:05,844 --> 00:19:12,117 I CAN PROVE IT BECAUSE I HAVE A "MAGIC HOUR" T-SHIRT. 404 00:19:12,184 --> 00:19:16,755 >> IT'S A BLESSING YOU DIDN'T TAKE THE JOB BECAUSE YOU ENDED 405 00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:18,290 UP DOING A WONDERFUL JOB. 406 00:19:18,357 --> 00:19:19,458 WE DIDN'T LAST THAT LONG. 407 00:19:19,525 --> 00:19:21,159 >> Stephen: BUT WE COULD HAVE BEEN FRIENDS. 408 00:19:21,226 --> 00:19:21,994 >> THAT'S RIGHT. 409 00:19:22,060 --> 00:19:23,695 >> Stephen: WE COULD HAVE BEEN FRIENDS. 410 00:19:23,762 --> 00:19:25,097 THIS IS SUCH A TREASURED POSSESSION OF MINE. 411 00:19:25,163 --> 00:19:27,132 ANYWAY, THAT'S ONE OF THE REASONS WHY I'VE BEEN LONGING TO 412 00:19:27,199 --> 00:19:31,203 MEET YOU ALL THESE YEARS. 413 00:19:31,270 --> 00:19:32,571 SECOND, LISTEN, CONGRATULATIONS. 414 00:19:32,638 --> 00:19:36,975 I KNOW IN 2012, YOU BECAME A PART OWNER OF THE DODGERS. 415 00:19:37,042 --> 00:19:40,445 NOW, YOU'VE GOT AN M.L.B. 416 00:19:40,512 --> 00:19:41,547 CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHY. 417 00:19:41,613 --> 00:19:44,049 CONGRATULATIONS ON WINNING THE WORLD SERIES LAST YEAR. 418 00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:46,752 WHAT DID THAT FEEL LIKE? 419 00:19:46,818 --> 00:19:48,186 WHOLE OTHER SPORT, TO BE NUMBER ONE? 420 00:19:48,253 --> 00:19:49,755 >> WELL, IT FELT GREAT. 421 00:19:49,821 --> 00:19:51,890 I'LL TELL YOU, I CAN'T WAIT TO GET THE RINGS. 422 00:19:51,957 --> 00:19:56,128 I CAN'T WAIT TO OPENING DAY TO ALSO, HOPEFULLY, I CAN OWN A 423 00:19:56,194 --> 00:19:58,564 TROPHY ONE DAY, THE WORLD SERIES TROPHY. 424 00:19:58,630 --> 00:20:00,966 BECAUSE I HAVE THE LAKER TROPHIES. 425 00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,200 >> Stephen: YOU'VE GOT-- I KNOW. 426 00:20:02,267 --> 00:20:03,168 I'VE GOT A SHOT HERE. 427 00:20:03,235 --> 00:20:05,103 WE'VE GOT A FEW OF THOSE RIGHT THERE. 428 00:20:05,170 --> 00:20:12,611 THIS IS A ROOM DEDICATED JUST TO YOUR TROPHIES WITH A 429 00:20:12,678 --> 00:20:14,279 BASKETBALL-- LAKERS COURT FLOOR DOWN THERE. 430 00:20:14,346 --> 00:20:15,380 THAT'S NICE. 431 00:20:15,447 --> 00:20:18,283 DO YOU MAKE PEOPLE-- IS THAT YOUR FRONT HALLWAY OF YOUR 432 00:20:18,350 --> 00:20:19,551 HOUSE? 433 00:20:19,618 --> 00:20:21,820 BECAUSE I WOULD MAKE PEOPLE WALK BY THAT BEFORE THEY DID ANYTHING 434 00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:23,288 ELSE IN MY HOUSE. 435 00:20:23,355 --> 00:20:27,993 >> WELL, IT'S NOT QUITE IN THE FRONT, BUT I GOT A WHOLE ROOM 436 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:32,230 DEDICATED TO THE LAKERS AND THE THINGS THAT WE WERE ABLE TO 437 00:20:32,297 --> 00:20:34,833 ACHIEVE-- FIVE N.B.A. 438 00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:38,403 CHAMPIONSHIPS, OF COURSE, AND THE THREE M.V.P. TROPHIES. 439 00:20:38,470 --> 00:20:42,507 AND MY JUNIOR HIGH JERSEY, MY HIGH SCHOOL STATE CHAMPIONSHIP 440 00:20:42,574 --> 00:20:45,811 JERSEY, MICHIGAN STATE JERSEY, WHICH WE WON THE NATIONAL 441 00:20:45,877 --> 00:20:46,945 CHAMPIONSHIP. 442 00:20:47,012 --> 00:20:49,615 AND THEN, OF COURSE, THE DREAM TEAM AND THE LAKER JERSEY. 443 00:20:49,681 --> 00:20:52,417 SO ALL THOSE THINGS ARE IN MY CHAMPIONSHIP LAKER ROOM. 444 00:20:52,484 --> 00:20:54,987 >> Stephen: AND SOON THE WORLD SERIES TROPHY SOMEWHERE. 445 00:20:55,053 --> 00:20:55,687 >> THAT'S RIGHT. 446 00:20:55,754 --> 00:20:56,922 >> Stephen: SOMEWHERE IN THERE. 447 00:20:56,989 --> 00:20:59,958 HEY, DO YOU EVER LORD IT OVER JORDAN. 448 00:21:00,025 --> 00:21:02,394 BECAUSE HE WANTED TO PLAY BASEBALL, AND NOW YOU'RE A 449 00:21:02,461 --> 00:21:03,662 BASEBALL CHAMPION ( LAUGHS ) 450 00:21:03,729 --> 00:21:08,767 >> WELL, SEE, MICHAEL AND I, WE LOVE EACH OTHER, SO, LISTEN, HE 451 00:21:08,834 --> 00:21:09,401 TRIED BASEBALL. 452 00:21:09,468 --> 00:21:11,737 AT LEAST HE DID TRY IT. 453 00:21:11,803 --> 00:21:12,804 I COULDN'T DO IT. 454 00:21:12,871 --> 00:21:15,774 I COULDN'T STAND IN THAT BATTER'S BOX AND WATCH, YOU 455 00:21:15,841 --> 00:21:18,910 KNOW, 100-MILE-PER-HOUR PITCH COMING MY WAY. 456 00:21:18,977 --> 00:21:20,879 BUT MICHAEL, GIVE HIM CREDIT. 457 00:21:20,946 --> 00:21:26,318 NOT ONLY-- JUST THINK ABOUT THIS-- STEPHEN, HE WON THREE 458 00:21:26,385 --> 00:21:28,854 CHAMPIONSHIPS, SAID, "OH, I'M GOING TO QUIT, TAKE A YEAR OR 459 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:30,088 TWO OFF." 460 00:21:30,155 --> 00:21:32,958 THEN CAME BACK AND WON ANOTHER THREE CHAMPIONSHIPS. 461 00:21:33,025 --> 00:21:37,229 I MEAN, 6-0 IN THE N.B.A. FINALS WITH MICHAEL JORDAN. 462 00:21:37,295 --> 00:21:39,331 AND THAT LAST DANCE WAS AMAZING, TOO. 463 00:21:39,398 --> 00:21:40,565 SO I LOVE MICHAEL. 464 00:21:40,632 --> 00:21:45,303 AND I LOVE WHAT HE STANDS FOR AND WHAT HE'S DOING, NOT JUST IN 465 00:21:45,370 --> 00:21:46,972 BASKETBALL BUT OFF THE COURT AS WELL. 466 00:21:47,039 --> 00:21:49,307 >> Stephen: YOU AND I HAVE SOMETHING ELSE IN COMMON, AND 467 00:21:49,374 --> 00:21:50,575 THAT IS BIG FAMILIES. 468 00:21:50,642 --> 00:21:51,443 I'M ONE OF 11. 469 00:21:51,510 --> 00:21:52,511 YOU'RE ONE OF 10. 470 00:21:52,577 --> 00:21:53,478 >> YUP. 471 00:21:53,545 --> 00:21:56,081 >> Stephen: NOW, WAS IT A COMPETITIVE FAMILY? 472 00:21:56,148 --> 00:21:58,450 DID YOU GUYS EVER FACE OFF LIKE FIVE ON FIVE? 473 00:21:58,517 --> 00:21:59,818 >> OH, NO QUESTION ABOUT IT. 474 00:21:59,885 --> 00:22:03,689 I MEAN, ALL MY SIBLINGS PLAYED SPORTS. 475 00:22:03,755 --> 00:22:07,726 SO, YOU KNOW, ANY JUNIOR HIGH WE WENT TO, WE ALL WERE ON THE 476 00:22:07,793 --> 00:22:08,994 TEAM. 477 00:22:09,061 --> 00:22:11,563 WE WENT TO EVERETT HIGH SCHOOL, MY SISTERS ALL PLAYED BASKETBALL 478 00:22:11,630 --> 00:22:12,264 AND SOFTBALL. 479 00:22:12,330 --> 00:22:14,633 WE PLAYED BASKETBALL. 480 00:22:14,700 --> 00:22:18,003 AND WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, WE PLAYED ONE ON ONE, SO THERE WERE 481 00:22:18,070 --> 00:22:20,972 A LOT OF FIGHTS ( LAUGHS ). 482 00:22:21,039 --> 00:22:24,743 YOU KNOW, MY SISTERS WANTED TO BEAT ME UP, I WANTED TO BEAT MY 483 00:22:24,810 --> 00:22:26,344 SISTERS. 484 00:22:26,411 --> 00:22:27,446 I DIDN'T LET NOBODY WIN. 485 00:22:27,512 --> 00:22:30,082 I WANTED TO WIN EVERY SINGLE GAME. 486 00:22:30,148 --> 00:22:34,152 I DIDN'T CARE IF IT WAS MY BROTHER, SISTER, MOTHER, FATHER, 487 00:22:34,219 --> 00:22:37,022 COUSIN OR SOMEBODY ELSE, I ALWAYS WANTED TO WIN. 488 00:22:37,089 --> 00:22:39,291 AND AS A MATTER OF FACT I WON MOST OF THE TIME. 489 00:22:39,357 --> 00:22:40,792 >> Stephen: DID YOU EVER PLAY OBAMA? 490 00:22:40,859 --> 00:22:42,494 >> I DIDN'T PLAY AGAINST HIM. 491 00:22:42,561 --> 00:22:43,562 I PLAYED WITH HIM. 492 00:22:43,628 --> 00:22:46,398 AND WE ACTUALLY WON THE GAME. 493 00:22:46,465 --> 00:22:48,967 WE-- WE-- IT WAS 1-1 TIE. 494 00:22:49,034 --> 00:22:50,535 THEY HAD BEAT US ONE TIME. 495 00:22:50,602 --> 00:22:51,970 WE BEAT THEM ONE TIME. 496 00:22:52,037 --> 00:22:55,240 SO WIPER PLAYING A CHAMPIONSHIP GAME, AND IT CAME DOWN TO THE 497 00:22:55,307 --> 00:22:59,177 LAST SECOND, AND HE HIT THE GAME-WINNING SHOT. 498 00:22:59,244 --> 00:23:02,681 AND HE LEFT HIS HAND UP-- YOU KNOW HOW YOU SWISH IT AND YOU 499 00:23:02,748 --> 00:23:04,616 LEAVE YOUR HAND UP, LIKE, "YEAH, THAT'S ME. 500 00:23:04,683 --> 00:23:07,319 I MADE THAT SHOT." 501 00:23:07,385 --> 00:23:09,454 >> Stephen: "IT'S WHAT I DO! 502 00:23:09,521 --> 00:23:12,758 IT'S WHAT I DO!" TO QUOTE THE MAN HIMSELF. 503 00:23:12,824 --> 00:23:15,127 >> THAT'S RIGHT. 504 00:23:15,193 --> 00:23:19,097 >> Stephen: NOW, THE COVID COULD BE KNOW-- KNOCK WOOD-- 505 00:23:19,164 --> 00:23:21,900 COULD BE LIFTING FAIRLY SOON. 506 00:23:21,967 --> 00:23:25,437 THERE ARE ALREADY SOME SIGNS THAT THERE'S GOING TO BE A 507 00:23:25,504 --> 00:23:26,104 LITTLE RELAXING. 508 00:23:26,171 --> 00:23:28,240 MARCH MADNESS STARTS TOMORROW. 509 00:23:28,306 --> 00:23:31,943 FANS ARE ALLOWED TO BE THERE AT 25% CAPACITY. 510 00:23:32,010 --> 00:23:35,113 HOW MUCH DO FANS AFFECT YOUR PERFORMANCE AS A PLAYER? 511 00:23:35,180 --> 00:23:39,251 >> WELL, STEPHEN, A LOT, BECAUSE YOU WANT THEM THERE TO GIVE YOU 512 00:23:39,317 --> 00:23:40,519 THE ENERGY, RIGHT? 513 00:23:40,585 --> 00:23:43,955 YOU WANT THEM TO-- THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE 514 00:23:44,022 --> 00:23:45,690 DOWN IN A GAME. 515 00:23:45,757 --> 00:23:50,028 A CROWD CAN WILL YOU TO VICTORY, CAN BRING YOU BACK. 516 00:23:50,095 --> 00:23:54,232 AND SO, I THINK IT'S GOING TO BE GOOD FOR ALL THE COLLEGE PLAYERS 517 00:23:54,299 --> 00:23:57,536 TO HAVE SOME PEOPLE THERE CHEERING-- OR EVEN BOOING. 518 00:23:57,602 --> 00:24:00,972 BECAUSE YOU GET OFF ON BOTH, RIGHT, AS A COMPETITOR. 519 00:24:01,039 --> 00:24:02,941 SO THIS IS GOING TO BE EXCITING. 520 00:24:03,008 --> 00:24:05,410 AND I THINK THIS YEAR IS GOING TO BE MORE THAN EXCITING 521 00:24:05,477 --> 00:24:07,612 PROBABLY THAN ANY OTHER YEAR. 522 00:24:07,679 --> 00:24:12,083 YES, WE GOT GONZAGA AS THE FAVORITE, BUT I THINK ANY-- 523 00:24:12,150 --> 00:24:15,187 THERE'S ABOUT 10 TEAMS THAT COULD ACTUALLY WIN IT ALL. 524 00:24:15,253 --> 00:24:18,290 AND THAT'S WHAT'S GOING TO MAKE IT SO EXCITING. 525 00:24:18,356 --> 00:24:21,893 BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE THE TRADITIONAL POWERS-- POWERHOUSE 526 00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:23,261 TEAMS LIKE YOU HAD IN THE PAST. 527 00:24:23,328 --> 00:24:26,231 SO YOU ACTUALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN. 528 00:24:26,298 --> 00:24:29,801 SO EVERYBODY GET READY BECAUSE THIS YEAR IS GOING TO BE REAL 529 00:24:29,868 --> 00:24:32,571 MARCH MADNESS. 530 00:24:32,637 --> 00:24:37,275 >> Stephen: YOU MENTIONED "THE LAST DANCE," THE DOCUMENTARY 531 00:24:37,342 --> 00:24:38,476 ABOUT THE BULLS. 532 00:24:38,543 --> 00:24:40,946 I UNDERSTAND A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT YOUR CAREER IS IN THE WORKS 533 00:24:41,012 --> 00:24:41,246 RIGHT NOW. 534 00:24:41,313 --> 00:24:42,447 >> YES. 535 00:24:42,514 --> 00:24:45,550 >> Stephen: WHAT IS IT-- HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING ANY OF THIS 536 00:24:45,617 --> 00:24:46,618 FOOTAGE YOURSELF? 537 00:24:46,685 --> 00:24:49,120 LIKE, HAVE YOU GONE DOWN THE MEMORY LANE? 538 00:24:49,187 --> 00:24:53,091 AS PEOPLE, YOU KNOW, GO FROM THE TEENAGER, THE HIGH SCHOOL GUY, 539 00:24:53,158 --> 00:24:56,995 TO, YOU KNOW, THE HALL OF FAME CHAMPION. 540 00:24:57,062 --> 00:24:58,496 WHAT MEMORIES HAS THAT BROUGHT UP. 541 00:24:58,563 --> 00:25:01,733 >> WELL, STEPHEN, I HAVEN'T WATCHED NONE OF THE FILM YET. 542 00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:05,070 WHAT I DID WAS, YOU KNOW, OF COURSE YOU RECALL ALL THE 543 00:25:05,136 --> 00:25:05,570 MOMENTS. 544 00:25:05,637 --> 00:25:06,771 AND IT'S BEEN GREAT. 545 00:25:06,838 --> 00:25:10,942 YOU KNOW, THE BEST MOMENT IS EVEN PLAYING AGAINST LARRY BIRD 546 00:25:11,009 --> 00:25:13,712 IN THE 1979 N.C.A. CHAMPIONSHIP GAME, RIGHT. 547 00:25:13,778 --> 00:25:18,183 IT'S STILL THE MOST-WATCHED N.C.A. COLLEGE BASKETBALL GAME 548 00:25:18,250 --> 00:25:18,617 -- >> Stephen: MICHIGAN STATE 549 00:25:18,683 --> 00:25:19,251 VERSUS INDIANA. 550 00:25:19,317 --> 00:25:20,051 >> INDIANA STATE. 551 00:25:20,118 --> 00:25:21,219 THAT'S RIGHT. 552 00:25:21,286 --> 00:25:24,689 SO JUST REFLECTING BACK ON THAT AND WHAT WE BOTH HAD TO GO 553 00:25:24,756 --> 00:25:28,193 THROUGH TO GET TO THAT MOMENT WAS GREAT FOR BOTH LARRY AND I. 554 00:25:28,260 --> 00:25:32,497 AND SO-- AND THEN, GROWING UP IN LANSING, MICHIGAN, MY FATHER 555 00:25:32,564 --> 00:25:36,368 WORKING FOR GENERAL MOTORS FOR 30IES, MY MOTHER WORKING IN THE 556 00:25:36,434 --> 00:25:40,772 SCHOOL CAFETERIA, GROWING UP WITH MY SUBLINGZ-- JUST 557 00:25:40,839 --> 00:25:43,708 RECALLING ALL THOSE MOLTS BROUGHT BACK SO MANY GREAT 558 00:25:43,775 --> 00:25:44,910 MEMORIES OF JUST LIFE, RIGHT. 559 00:25:44,976 --> 00:25:47,646 AND I'M SO HAPPY I WENT THROUGH THAT WHOLE JOURNEY. 560 00:25:47,712 --> 00:25:51,783 AND THEN GETTING TO LOS ANGELES, A LITTLE KID FROM LANSING, 561 00:25:51,850 --> 00:25:56,221 MICHIGAN, YOU KNOW,FRESH OFF THE BOAT IN BIG L.A., AND JUST 562 00:25:56,288 --> 00:25:58,823 CREATING SHOW TIME WITH THE LAKERS. 563 00:25:58,890 --> 00:26:01,059 AND THEN MOVING IN TO THE BUSINESS ARENA. 564 00:26:01,126 --> 00:26:05,030 SO IT'S GOING TO CAPTURE ALL THOSE GREAT MOMENTS, AND IT'S 565 00:26:05,096 --> 00:26:07,399 BEEN FUN TO FILM ALL THOSE MOMENTS. 566 00:26:07,465 --> 00:26:10,235 AND THEN IT'S BEEN A LOT OF MOMENTS WITHOUT ME BECAUSE I 567 00:26:10,302 --> 00:26:12,704 WANTED THEM TO FILM MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND THE GUYS THAT I 568 00:26:12,771 --> 00:26:15,774 GREW UP WITH WHO I'M STILL CLOSE WITH TODAY. 569 00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:17,242 SO IT'S BEEN AMAZING. 570 00:26:17,309 --> 00:26:20,345 >> Stephen: YOU'RE SUCH A FIERCE COMPETITOR. 571 00:26:20,412 --> 00:26:22,981 LARRY BIRD IS SUCH A FIERCE COMPETITOR. 572 00:26:23,048 --> 00:26:24,683 HOW DID YOU GUYS BECOME SUCH GOOD FRIENDS? 573 00:26:24,749 --> 00:26:28,887 HOW DO YOU GET BEYOND THE DESIRE TO BURY THE OTHER GUY ON THE 574 00:26:28,954 --> 00:26:29,921 COURT? 575 00:26:29,988 --> 00:26:31,957 >> WELL, STEPHEN, AFTER WE HATED EACH OTHER FIRST. 576 00:26:32,023 --> 00:26:36,494 BECAUSE WHEN WE LEFT COLLEGE AND WE PLAYED FOR THAT CHAMPIONSHIP 577 00:26:36,561 --> 00:26:41,566 GAME, NOW WE ENDED UP WITH THE TWO MOST-STORIED FRANCHISES IN 578 00:26:41,633 --> 00:26:45,170 THE N.B.A., HIM WITH THE CELTICS, MYSELF WITH THE LAKERS. 579 00:26:45,236 --> 00:26:49,641 SO THEY ALREADY HAD HISTORY BEFORE WE BOTH SHOWED UP. 580 00:26:49,708 --> 00:26:55,080 SO WE HAD TO DISLIKE EACH OTHER BASED ON THE RIVALRY ALREADY. 581 00:26:55,146 --> 00:26:58,149 AND THEN FINALLY WE CAME TOGETHER AT HIS HOUSE. 582 00:26:58,216 --> 00:27:00,585 WE WERE SHOOTING A CONVERSE COMMERCIAL. 583 00:27:00,652 --> 00:27:03,021 IT WAS PROBABLY THE GREATEST MOMENT FOR BOTH OF US. 584 00:27:03,088 --> 00:27:07,292 SO WE SHOT ABOUT THREE HOURS OF THE FILM, SO FINALLY, THEY SAID, 585 00:27:07,359 --> 00:27:08,560 "HEY, IT'S LUNCHTIME." 586 00:27:08,626 --> 00:27:10,962 I'M THINKING I'M GOING TO MY TRAILER TO HAVE LUNCH, AND HE'S 587 00:27:11,029 --> 00:27:12,630 GOING TO HIS HOUSE. 588 00:27:12,697 --> 00:27:17,202 AND HE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "MAGIC, MY MOM HAS PREPARED 589 00:27:17,268 --> 00:27:18,436 LUNCH FOR US AT THE HOUSE." 590 00:27:18,503 --> 00:27:21,072 AND NOW, WHEN HE THREW HIS MOTHER IN THERE, YOU KNOW I 591 00:27:21,139 --> 00:27:22,407 CAN'T SAY NO! 592 00:27:22,474 --> 00:27:26,211 SO NOW WE HAD NEVER REALLY BROKEN BREAD. 593 00:27:26,277 --> 00:27:29,481 SO I WENT UP TO HIS HOUSE, AND HIS MOTHER WAS BRINGING OUT ALL 594 00:27:29,547 --> 00:27:30,615 THE FOOD. 595 00:27:30,682 --> 00:27:33,718 AND FINALLY, SHE SAID TO LARRY, "DID YOU TELL HIM YET?" 596 00:27:33,785 --> 00:27:36,521 AND LARRY SAID, "NO, YOU TELL HIM." 597 00:27:36,588 --> 00:27:41,593 SO SHE TURNED AROUND AND SAID, "MAGIC, YOU MY FAVORITE 598 00:27:41,659 --> 00:27:45,597 BASKETBALL PLAYER" ( LAUGHTER ) 599 00:27:45,663 --> 00:27:47,599 >> Stephen: MOMS DON'T LIE. 600 00:27:47,665 --> 00:27:48,133 MOMS DON'T LIE. 601 00:27:48,199 --> 00:27:49,701 >> THAT BROKE THE ICE. 602 00:27:49,768 --> 00:27:50,568 THAT BROKE THE ICE. 603 00:27:50,635 --> 00:27:52,404 AND WE BECAME FRIENDS RIGHT AFTER THAT. 604 00:27:52,470 --> 00:27:54,406 AND WE'RE GREAT FRIEND EVEN TODAY. 605 00:27:54,472 --> 00:27:56,975 AND I LOVE THE MAN. 606 00:27:57,042 --> 00:28:00,879 YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, STEPHEN, YOUR COMPETITOR CAN MAKE YOU 607 00:28:00,945 --> 00:28:02,080 BETTER. 608 00:28:02,147 --> 00:28:04,015 LARRY BIRD MADE ME A BETTER BASKETBALL PLAYER, AND I THINK I 609 00:28:04,082 --> 00:28:07,185 MADE HIM A BETTER BASKETBALL PLAYER. 610 00:28:07,252 --> 00:28:07,952 >> Stephen: MAG. 611 00:28:08,019 --> 00:28:09,220 >> IT'S GREAT TO FINALLY MEET YOU. 612 00:28:09,287 --> 00:28:11,056 WE SHOULD HAVE DONE A TALK SHOW TOGETHER. 613 00:28:11,122 --> 00:28:12,190 I THINK IT WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD. 614 00:28:12,257 --> 00:28:15,560 >> WELL, WE WOULD PROBABLY STILL BE ON THE AIR THEN, SEE? 615 00:28:15,627 --> 00:28:19,197 >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT, WE'D BE CELEBRATING 25 YEARS IN THE 616 00:28:19,264 --> 00:28:23,368 BROADCASTING HALL OF FAME! 617 00:28:23,435 --> 00:28:24,502 THE N.C.A.A. TOURNAMENT BEGINS TOMORROW ON CBS AND TURNER 618 00:28:24,569 --> 00:28:26,571 NETWORKS. 619 00:28:26,638 --> 00:28:27,839 AND YOU CAN SEE MAGIC IN CAPITAL ONE'S "MARCH MADNESS" 620 00:28:27,906 --> 00:28:28,606 COMMERCIALS. 621 00:28:28,673 --> 00:28:30,442 EARVIN "MAGIC" JOHNSON, EVERYBODY! 622 00:28:30,508 --> 00:28:33,845 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN ERIC ANDRE. 623 00:28:33,912 --> 00:28:34,913 THANKS. 624 00:28:45,723 --> 00:28:47,659 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, 625 00:28:47,725 --> 00:28:49,160 MY NEXT GUEST IS THE HOST AND CREATOR OF "THE ERIC ANDRE 626 00:28:49,227 --> 00:28:51,663 SHOW." 627 00:28:51,729 --> 00:28:57,435 HIS LATEST FILM IS "BAD TRIP." 628 00:28:57,502 --> 00:28:59,771 >> YOU DESTROYED MY CAR. 629 00:28:59,838 --> 00:29:04,042 NOW I'M GOING TO DESTROY YOU! 630 00:29:04,109 --> 00:29:09,747 YOU BETTER TELL ME ( BLEEP )! 631 00:29:09,814 --> 00:29:10,215 ARRGGHH! 632 00:29:10,281 --> 00:29:10,582 ( BLEEP )! 633 00:29:10,648 --> 00:29:11,416 OH, MY GOD! 634 00:29:11,483 --> 00:29:12,684 OH, MY GOD! 635 00:29:12,750 --> 00:29:14,886 OH! 636 00:29:14,953 --> 00:29:20,492 HELP! 637 00:29:20,558 --> 00:29:23,027 HELP! 638 00:29:23,094 --> 00:29:23,695 ( BLEEP ). 639 00:29:23,761 --> 00:29:24,362 STOP LOOKING. 640 00:29:24,429 --> 00:29:25,130 THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. 641 00:29:25,196 --> 00:29:31,936 >> SOMEBODY NEEDS SOME HELP HERE! 642 00:29:32,003 --> 00:29:34,939 >> TALK HIM OUT OF KILLING ME! 643 00:29:35,006 --> 00:29:36,007 >> LET HIM GO! 644 00:29:36,074 --> 00:29:38,776 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK 645 00:29:38,843 --> 00:29:40,745 TO "A LATE SHOW," ERIC ANDRE! 646 00:29:40,812 --> 00:29:44,616 ERIC, GOOD TO SEE YOU. 647 00:29:44,682 --> 00:29:46,918 YEAH, STANDING "O." 648 00:29:46,985 --> 00:29:47,352 NICE. 649 00:29:47,418 --> 00:29:48,987 YOU LOOK GOOD. 650 00:29:49,053 --> 00:29:52,323 >> JEFF TUBEIN IS AT MY HOUSE ACTUALLY RIGHT NOW. 651 00:29:52,390 --> 00:29:53,358 SHOULD I SEND HIM HOME? 652 00:29:53,424 --> 00:29:54,826 >> Stephen: NO, BRING HIM ON. 653 00:29:54,893 --> 00:29:55,560 WE'RE FRIEND. 654 00:29:55,627 --> 00:29:58,196 TUBEIN AND I ARE FRIENDS. 655 00:29:58,263 --> 00:30:00,031 PLEASE BRING HIM ON. 656 00:30:00,098 --> 00:30:04,469 WHAT PEOPLE DON'T KNOW FROM THAT CLIP IS THAT THOSE OTHER PEOPLE, 657 00:30:04,536 --> 00:30:07,272 OTHER THAN YOU AND TIFFANY HADDISH, NOBODY KNEW WHAT WAS 658 00:30:07,338 --> 00:30:08,339 GOING ON. 659 00:30:08,406 --> 00:30:09,974 THEY ACTUALLY THOUGHT SHE WAS TRYING TO MURDER YOU. 660 00:30:10,041 --> 00:30:11,075 >> RIGHT. 661 00:30:11,142 --> 00:30:14,812 IT'S ALL HIDDEN CAMERA PRANK-BASED. 662 00:30:14,879 --> 00:30:16,047 >> Stephen: AND WE'LL GET TO THAT IN A SECOND. 663 00:30:16,114 --> 00:30:19,651 I WANT TO HEAR ALL ABOUT IT, OBVIOUSLY. 664 00:30:19,717 --> 00:30:22,520 HOW HAVE YOU-- HOW HAVE YOU BEEN HOLDING UP IN THE ZOOM WORLD? 665 00:30:22,587 --> 00:30:25,323 HOW HAVE YOU HANDLED THE EMOTIONAL CRISIS THAT IS THIS 666 00:30:25,390 --> 00:30:26,291 LAST YEAR? 667 00:30:26,357 --> 00:30:31,262 >> I'VE BEEN DRINKING LIKE JACK KEROUAC, MAN. 668 00:30:31,329 --> 00:30:32,630 I'VE BEEN DRINKING LIKE CRAZY. 669 00:30:32,697 --> 00:30:33,665 >> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR POISON? 670 00:30:33,731 --> 00:30:34,499 I LOVE A COCKTAIL. 671 00:30:34,566 --> 00:30:35,533 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 672 00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:38,303 I HEARD YOU ACTUALLY BUILT A BAR. 673 00:30:38,369 --> 00:30:42,840 YOU DIDN'T DO THE SOURDOUGH, YOU ACTUALLY BUILT A BAR AT YOUR 674 00:30:42,907 --> 00:30:44,509 CRIB, I BELIEVE THE KIDS CALL IT. 675 00:30:44,576 --> 00:30:45,243 OH, THAT'S IT! 676 00:30:45,310 --> 00:30:45,977 LOOK AT THAT! 677 00:30:46,044 --> 00:30:50,215 >> I BUILT IT IN MY LIVING ROOM. 678 00:30:50,281 --> 00:30:51,115 ( LAUGHTER ). 679 00:30:51,182 --> 00:30:52,450 >> Stephen: THERE'S A HANDLE ON THE COUCH. 680 00:30:52,517 --> 00:30:55,653 I JUST PULL AND I GO OVER TO THE BAR. 681 00:30:55,720 --> 00:30:56,087 WHAT DO YOU DRINK? 682 00:30:56,154 --> 00:30:58,122 WHAT DO YOU DO? 683 00:30:58,189 --> 00:30:59,857 >> I'M A RUM GUY. 684 00:30:59,924 --> 00:31:04,896 YOU KNOW WHAT, I WAS TRYING TO MAKE ALL THESE GASTRONOMIC COCK 685 00:31:04,963 --> 00:31:06,431 TAILS. 686 00:31:06,497 --> 00:31:12,870 I WAS A FANCY-PANTS CHEF, AND AT THE END OF THE DAY I DRINK A MUD 687 00:31:12,937 --> 00:31:13,538 SLIDE. 688 00:31:13,605 --> 00:31:14,706 >> Stephen: SEX ON THE BEACH. 689 00:31:14,772 --> 00:31:15,807 SLIPPERY NIPPLE. 690 00:31:15,873 --> 00:31:16,207 SCREAMING ORGASM. 691 00:31:16,274 --> 00:31:17,342 >> TOTALLY. 692 00:31:17,408 --> 00:31:21,079 ANYTHING FROM THE 80s MOVIE COCKTAIL THAT TOM CRUISE -- 693 00:31:21,145 --> 00:31:23,514 >> Stephen: I JUST WATCHED A LITTLE BIT OF THAT THE OTHER 694 00:31:23,581 --> 00:31:24,182 NIGHT. 695 00:31:24,249 --> 00:31:25,917 DID YOU EVER WATCH THAT MOVIE? 696 00:31:25,984 --> 00:31:26,451 HAVE YOU SEEN IT? 697 00:31:26,517 --> 00:31:27,752 >> IT'S VERY BAD. 698 00:31:27,819 --> 00:31:28,553 IT'S NOT VERY GOOD. 699 00:31:28,620 --> 00:31:29,254 >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT. 700 00:31:29,320 --> 00:31:30,421 I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT. 701 00:31:30,488 --> 00:31:33,691 I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE MR. CRUISE ON THE SHOW SOMETIME. 702 00:31:33,758 --> 00:31:34,759 I THINK IT'S A FINE MOVIE. 703 00:31:34,826 --> 00:31:37,295 >> I HOPE I JUST GOT CRUISE BANNED FROM THE SHOW. 704 00:31:37,362 --> 00:31:39,597 >> Stephen: WHAT-- SO YOU LIKE RUM? 705 00:31:39,664 --> 00:31:41,766 WHAT KIND OF RUM ARE YOU DRINKING? 706 00:31:41,833 --> 00:31:45,770 YOU ARE INTO WHITES, AGED, SPICED? 707 00:31:45,837 --> 00:31:50,208 >> I DON'T SEE COLOR WHEN I SEE RUMS, STEPHEN. 708 00:31:50,275 --> 00:31:51,542 I'M A PRETTY PROGRESSIVE GUY. 709 00:31:51,609 --> 00:31:52,377 >> Stephen: OKAY. 710 00:31:52,443 --> 00:31:53,978 >> WHAT'S YOUR SPIRIT OF CHOICE? 711 00:31:54,045 --> 00:31:56,414 >> Stephen: MY SPIRIT OF CHOICE? 712 00:31:56,481 --> 00:32:01,386 LISTEN, I LIKE BOURBON. 713 00:32:01,452 --> 00:32:02,453 BUT I CAN DO RUM. 714 00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:07,725 I DON'T KNOW IF WE WANT TO GO ZAKAPA FROM GUATEMALA. 715 00:32:07,792 --> 00:32:11,496 OR DO WE WANT TO GO MOUNT GAY FROM BARBADOS? 716 00:32:11,562 --> 00:32:13,031 >> I'LL TAKE THE MOUNT GAY. 717 00:32:13,097 --> 00:32:16,901 >> Stephen: I'LL DRINK SOME ( BLEEP ) OUT OF SOME MOUNT GAY, 718 00:32:16,968 --> 00:32:18,136 MY MAN. 719 00:32:18,202 --> 00:32:21,005 I DON'T DO THE FANCY MOUNT GAY. 720 00:32:21,072 --> 00:32:26,344 JUST GIVE ME THE ECLIPSE, YOUR BASIC. 721 00:32:26,411 --> 00:32:28,479 BECAUSE-- >> I'M VERY IMPRESSED WITH YOUR 722 00:32:28,546 --> 00:32:29,147 KNOWLEDGE OF BOOZE. 723 00:32:29,213 --> 00:32:30,348 >> Stephen: I'M GLAD. 724 00:32:30,415 --> 00:32:32,717 >> BUT IT DOESN'T SURPRISE ME. 725 00:32:32,784 --> 00:32:35,053 I THINK MOST TALK SHOW HOSTS ARE -- 726 00:32:35,119 --> 00:32:36,020 >> Stephen: OH, YEAH, YEAH. 727 00:32:36,087 --> 00:32:38,356 >> GLUG, GLUG, GLUG, GLUG. 728 00:32:38,423 --> 00:32:40,058 THE PRESSURE, THE CORPORATE PRESSURE. 729 00:32:40,124 --> 00:32:41,159 >> Stephen: OH, MY GOD! 730 00:32:41,225 --> 00:32:41,993 OH, MY GOD. 731 00:32:42,060 --> 00:32:43,661 HOW ARE THE NUMBERS, CHRIS? 732 00:32:43,728 --> 00:32:45,697 ( LAUGHTER ) 100%. 733 00:32:45,763 --> 00:32:53,538 I'M JUST-- 100-- PUT A RUBBER NIPPLE ON IT WHEN I GET HOME AT 734 00:32:53,604 --> 00:32:54,906 NIGHT-- GAAAA! 735 00:32:54,972 --> 00:32:55,173 100%. 736 00:32:55,239 --> 00:32:55,606 YEAH. 737 00:32:55,673 --> 00:32:56,240 IT'S ALL GREAT. 738 00:32:56,307 --> 00:32:57,942 LET'S TALK ABOUT THE MOVIE. 739 00:32:58,009 --> 00:32:59,110 IT'S CALLED "BAD TRIP." 740 00:32:59,177 --> 00:33:00,211 >> YES. 741 00:33:00,278 --> 00:33:02,980 >> Stephen: YOU'RE WORKING WITH TIFFANY HADDISH WHO IS 742 00:33:03,047 --> 00:33:05,350 JUST-- YOU COULD-- SHE'S JUST PURE COMEDY. 743 00:33:05,416 --> 00:33:08,486 YOU CAN JUST CUT HER OPEN AND COUNT THE RINGS OF COMEDY. 744 00:33:08,553 --> 00:33:11,055 SHE'S JUST A JOY TO BE WITH. 745 00:33:11,122 --> 00:33:13,191 I WANT TO ABSORB HER POWER AT SOME TIMES. 746 00:33:13,257 --> 00:33:15,460 WHAT WAS IT LIKE TO SHOOT A FEATURE WITH HER? 747 00:33:15,526 --> 00:33:16,928 >> SHE'S INCREDIBLE. 748 00:33:16,994 --> 00:33:19,030 I MEAN, SHE'S CALM BEYOND A CELLULAR LEVEL. 749 00:33:19,097 --> 00:33:21,666 THERE IS A REASON SHE'S A MOVIE STAR. 750 00:33:21,733 --> 00:33:26,938 EVERY MEDIUM OF COMEDY, SHE CAN STAND UP, HIDDEN CAMERA PRANKS, 751 00:33:27,004 --> 00:33:28,106 COMEDIC ACTING. 752 00:33:28,172 --> 00:33:30,708 SHE COULD, LIKE, BE A SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER IN THE 753 00:33:30,775 --> 00:33:33,911 OLYMPICS AND MAKE IT THE MOST COMEDIC THING YOU EVER WATCHED. 754 00:33:33,978 --> 00:33:36,114 SHE'S BRILLIANT AND SHE'S LOVELY TO WORK WITH. 755 00:33:36,180 --> 00:33:38,549 >> Stephen: AND SHE'S DATING COMMON. 756 00:33:38,616 --> 00:33:39,150 COMMON. 757 00:33:39,217 --> 00:33:40,952 >> SHE'S DATING COMMON. 758 00:33:41,018 --> 00:33:42,053 >> Stephen: UNCOMMON. 759 00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:43,955 >> THE HOT CUP OF MAN. 760 00:33:44,021 --> 00:33:47,458 ( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY, THIS IS 761 00:33:47,525 --> 00:33:51,929 THE MOST SOBER I'VE BEEN ON YOUR SHOW, AND THIS IS THE MOST OFF 762 00:33:51,996 --> 00:33:52,830 THE RAILS AN INTERVIEW. 763 00:33:52,897 --> 00:33:55,900 I'M USUALLY -- >> Stephen: BECAUSE I'M 764 00:33:55,967 --> 00:33:56,768 HAMMERED. 765 00:33:56,834 --> 00:33:59,570 BECAUSE I AM... I AM ( BLEEP ) HAMMERED. 766 00:33:59,637 --> 00:34:01,606 HOLD ON ONE SECOND. 767 00:34:01,672 --> 00:34:02,240 HOLD ON. 768 00:34:02,306 --> 00:34:03,474 GET MYSELF A BOTTLE OF THIS. 769 00:34:03,541 --> 00:34:04,308 HERE WE GO RIGHT HERE. 770 00:34:04,375 --> 00:34:08,613 >> I'M PICKING MY NOSE ON THIS CAMERA. 771 00:34:08,679 --> 00:34:09,480 GEEZ. 772 00:34:09,547 --> 00:34:12,650 WHAT DO YOU GOT ON THE OLD RECORD PLAYER. 773 00:34:12,717 --> 00:34:14,352 LOOKIE YOU. 774 00:34:14,419 --> 00:34:15,420 GOD BLESS YOU. 775 00:34:15,486 --> 00:34:17,188 I'LL DO-- I'LL DO A SHOT WITH YOU. 776 00:34:17,255 --> 00:34:19,824 WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING? 777 00:34:19,891 --> 00:34:24,562 >> Stephen: I'M DRINKING THE WELLER 12, YOU EVER DO THIS. 778 00:34:24,629 --> 00:34:27,098 >> Jon: IS IT SCOTCH OR BOURBON. 779 00:34:27,165 --> 00:34:28,032 >> Stephen: IT'S A BOURBON. 780 00:34:28,099 --> 00:34:30,101 >> DO YOU WANT ME TO DO A BOURBON OR A RYE. 781 00:34:30,168 --> 00:34:36,607 >> Stephen: IT'S YOUR LIVER, >> I HAVE AN OLD BARDS TOWN. 782 00:34:36,674 --> 00:34:39,277 KENTUCKY BOURBON IS A REAL SWEET BOURBON I LIKE. 783 00:34:39,343 --> 00:34:42,079 WE'LL DO THIS ONE. 784 00:34:42,146 --> 00:34:43,114 NEAT. 785 00:34:43,181 --> 00:34:46,317 >> Stephen: YEAH, I'M-- I'M OLD WEST SALOON STYLE. 786 00:34:46,384 --> 00:34:47,518 THERE'S NO ICE IN HERE. 787 00:34:47,585 --> 00:34:52,123 THERE'S NO ICE. 788 00:34:52,190 --> 00:34:53,057 MMM. 789 00:34:53,124 --> 00:34:54,792 MMM. 790 00:34:54,859 --> 00:34:55,326 >> WOOO! 791 00:34:55,393 --> 00:34:57,028 THAT'S HARD CORE. 792 00:34:57,094 --> 00:34:58,229 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT WHEN WE RETURN 793 00:34:58,296 --> 00:35:00,097 I WILL ASK ERIC ANDRE ABOUT FRAN LEIBOWITZ, FOR SOME REASON. 794 00:35:43,140 --> 00:35:44,242 LATE SHOW." 795 00:35:44,308 --> 00:35:48,079 WE NOW REJOIN STEPHEN COLBERT'S INTERVIEW WITH ERIC ANDRE, 796 00:35:48,145 --> 00:35:49,313 ALREADY IN PROGRESS. 797 00:35:49,380 --> 00:35:54,085 IF YOU WANT TO HEAR SOME OF ERIC ANDRE'S WORK, YOU CAN RIDE THE 798 00:35:54,151 --> 00:35:55,353 NEW YORK CITY SUBWAY SYSTEM. 799 00:35:55,419 --> 00:35:57,522 BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE ONE OF THE VOICES OF THE SUBWAY 800 00:35:57,588 --> 00:35:59,090 SYSTEM NOW. 801 00:35:59,156 --> 00:36:02,326 >> ME AND SEINFELD AND FRAN LEBOWITZ. 802 00:36:02,393 --> 00:36:04,095 >> Stephen: OH, YEAH, HUGE, HUGE, YEAH. 803 00:36:04,161 --> 00:36:05,329 WHOOPIE GOLDBERG. 804 00:36:05,396 --> 00:36:11,102 YOU NOTICE SOMETHING ABOUT YOU AND FRAN LEBOWITZ, WHICH I LOVE. 805 00:36:11,168 --> 00:36:14,105 >> I LIKE WHEN YOU RELUCTANTLY GET BACK ON TRACK. 806 00:36:14,171 --> 00:36:19,043 I LIKE THE ENERGY, THE ENERGY WHEN YOU'RE LIKE, "YEAH, ALL 807 00:36:19,110 --> 00:36:22,313 RIGHT, WHAT DID WE UHH..." 808 00:36:22,380 --> 00:36:24,482 >> Stephen: THE REASON I DO IT-- AS LONG AS WE'RE TALKING 809 00:36:24,549 --> 00:36:28,352 OUT OF SCHOOL HERE-- IS BECAUSE I IMAGINE THAT THERE'S SOME 810 00:36:28,419 --> 00:36:32,523 REASON YOU'RE ON THE SHOW TO SOMEHOW TO SUPPORT YOUR PRODUCT. 811 00:36:32,590 --> 00:36:33,724 >> YES. 812 00:36:33,791 --> 00:36:37,361 >> Stephen: AND WHILE I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR MOVIE, SURELY 813 00:36:37,428 --> 00:36:40,831 YOU DO. 814 00:36:40,898 --> 00:36:44,268 ( LAUGHTER ) AND-- AND I CARE ABOUT YOU 815 00:36:44,335 --> 00:36:48,773 BECAUSE YOU'RE A VERY FUNNY PERSON WHO IS READY TO ROLL WITH 816 00:36:48,839 --> 00:36:49,574 ( BLEEP ), YOU KNOW. 817 00:36:49,640 --> 00:36:50,975 AND I'M NOT GOING TO DO THIS BIT NOW. 818 00:36:51,042 --> 00:36:54,011 I'M NOT GOING-- >> DO THE THE BIT! 819 00:36:54,078 --> 00:36:55,246 DO THE BIT! 820 00:36:55,313 --> 00:36:55,947 DO THE BIT! 821 00:36:56,013 --> 00:36:57,582 >> Stephen: NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT. 822 00:36:57,648 --> 00:36:59,750 MAYBE NEXT TIME, ERIC ANDRE. 823 00:36:59,817 --> 00:37:04,689 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IT WAS GOOD, TOO. 824 00:37:04,755 --> 00:37:06,757 IT WAS GOOD, WASN'T IT? 825 00:37:06,824 --> 00:37:08,392 IT WAS GREAT! 826 00:37:08,459 --> 00:37:10,061 IT WAS GREAT! 827 00:37:10,127 --> 00:37:12,363 >> I WASN'T SAYING DON'T DO IT! 828 00:37:12,430 --> 00:37:14,932 >> Stephen: YOU KIND OF-- YOU KIND OF WERE. 829 00:37:14,999 --> 00:37:16,434 YOU KIND OF WERE. 830 00:37:16,500 --> 00:37:17,768 >> NO, THIS IS WHAT I NOTICE. 831 00:37:17,835 --> 00:37:20,204 YOU WERE LIKE FLOWING, WE'RE DRINKING. 832 00:37:20,271 --> 00:37:25,876 AND AS SOON AS YOU HAD TO GO BACK YOU WENT... "I HEARD YOU'RE 833 00:37:25,943 --> 00:37:29,113 ON THE NEW YORK CITY SUBWAY..." 834 00:37:29,180 --> 00:37:33,651 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WELL-- 835 00:37:33,718 --> 00:37:37,388 >> TELL... US... ABOUT THAT. 836 00:37:37,455 --> 00:37:39,757 I JUST NOTICED THAT CHANGE IN YOUR BODY LANGUAGE. 837 00:37:39,824 --> 00:37:41,592 >> Stephen: I DON'T WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. 838 00:37:41,659 --> 00:37:45,529 ( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING 839 00:37:45,596 --> 00:37:46,797 ABOUT. 840 00:37:46,864 --> 00:37:50,501 ALL I KNOW IS THAT SOMEBODY PUT ME OFF MY LOBSTER NEWBERG RIGHT 841 00:37:50,568 --> 00:37:54,205 BEFORE I DUG IN, AND NOW IT'S OFF THE MENU! 842 00:37:54,271 --> 00:37:54,672 >> WHAT? 843 00:37:54,739 --> 00:37:55,640 >> Stephen: YEAH! 844 00:37:55,706 --> 00:37:57,141 THAT'S WHAT I SAID. 845 00:37:57,208 --> 00:37:59,510 >> YOU'RE BECOMING HOWARD HUGHES. 846 00:37:59,577 --> 00:38:00,678 LIKE, YOUR MIND IS UNRAVELING. 847 00:38:00,745 --> 00:38:04,882 >> Stephen: WELL, I DO KEEP MY URINE IN JARS. 848 00:38:04,949 --> 00:38:07,818 ( LAUGHTER ) >> IF I HAD A DOLLAR FOR EVERY 849 00:38:07,885 --> 00:38:11,555 TIME A TALK SHOW HOST TOLD ME THAT -- 850 00:38:11,622 --> 00:38:12,289 >> Stephen: >> OKAY. 851 00:38:12,356 --> 00:38:13,724 >> I WOULD HAVE $3. 852 00:38:13,791 --> 00:38:16,494 I LOOK LIKE FRAN LEBOWITZ IS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY. 853 00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:18,329 I LOOK EXACTLY LIKE HER. 854 00:38:18,396 --> 00:38:19,363 ( LAUGHTER ). 855 00:38:19,430 --> 00:38:23,167 >> Stephen: LET'S SEE IF I CAN PIECE THIS TOGETHER. 856 00:38:23,234 --> 00:38:24,235 SO-- >> ...IN COMMON. 857 00:38:24,301 --> 00:38:27,505 IMAGINE IF COMMON ( BLEEP ) FRAN LEBOWITZ. 858 00:38:27,571 --> 00:38:28,005 YOU'D GET ME. 859 00:38:28,072 --> 00:38:30,508 MARCH 26, BAD TRIP. 860 00:38:30,574 --> 00:38:31,542 NETFLIX. 861 00:38:31,609 --> 00:38:35,279 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: OKAY, IT GOES LIKE 862 00:38:35,346 --> 00:38:35,880 THAT. 863 00:38:35,946 --> 00:38:38,516 AND THIS GOES LIKE THAT... 864 00:38:38,582 --> 00:38:41,819 THIS GOES LIKE THAT. 865 00:38:41,886 --> 00:38:46,724 OKAY, SO, YOU NOTICED SOMETHING ABOUT YOU AND FRAN LEBOWITZ, I 866 00:38:46,791 --> 00:38:47,958 UNDERSTAND. 867 00:38:48,025 --> 00:38:50,094 SHE IS ONE OF THE VOICES OF THE SUBWAY, AND YOU'RE ONE OF THE 868 00:38:50,161 --> 00:38:51,395 VOICES OF THE SUBWAY. 869 00:38:51,462 --> 00:38:55,199 TELL ME ABOUT THIS PHOTOGRAPH. 870 00:38:55,266 --> 00:38:56,000 ( LAUGHTER ). 871 00:38:56,067 --> 00:38:58,636 >> I LOOK-- I LOOK EXACTLY LIKE HER. 872 00:38:58,703 --> 00:39:03,107 I LOOK EXACTLY LIKE FRAN-- IT'S A HAUNTING-- I CAN'T EVEN TELL 873 00:39:03,174 --> 00:39:05,743 WHO IS ME AND WHO IS FRAN LEBOWITZ, IN THAT IMAGE. 874 00:39:05,810 --> 00:39:07,278 >> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER MET HER? 875 00:39:07,344 --> 00:39:08,479 >> NEVER MET HER. 876 00:39:08,546 --> 00:39:10,381 SHE DOES LOOK EXACTLY LIKE MY MOM. 877 00:39:10,448 --> 00:39:15,853 MY MOM LOOKS LIKE FRAN LEBOWITZ, AND MY DAD LOOKS LIKE TYLER 878 00:39:15,920 --> 00:39:19,256 PERRY PLAYING COLIN POWELL IN THE DICK CHENEY MOVIE. 879 00:39:19,323 --> 00:39:27,665 >> Stephen: DID TYLER PERRY PLAY COLIN POWELL IN ADAM 880 00:39:27,732 --> 00:39:28,799 MacKAY'S DICK CHENEY MOVIE? 881 00:39:28,866 --> 00:39:32,236 >> YES >> Stephen: "BAD TRIP" IS 882 00:39:32,303 --> 00:39:34,805 AVAILABLE ON NETFLIX MARCH 26. 883 00:39:34,872 --> 00:39:36,240 ERIC ANDRE, EVERYBODY! 884 00:39:36,307 --> 00:39:38,309 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 885 00:39:49,386 --> 00:39:50,554 LATE SHOW." 886 00:39:50,621 --> 00:39:53,691 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE SENATE MAJORITY LEADER 887 00:39:53,758 --> 00:39:57,328 CHUCK SCHUMER, JARED LETO, AND MUSICAL GUEST, LANCO. 888 00:39:57,394 --> 00:39:58,996 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 889 00:39:59,063 --> 00:40:01,065 GOOD NIGHT.