>> ST. PATRICK'S DAY GIVING HEALTH OFFICIALS SOME EXTRA
CAUSE FOR CONCERN ABOUT THE PANDEMIC THIS MORNING.
THE C.D.C. IS URGING PEOPLE: AVOID BIG ST. PATRICK'S DAY
CROWDS.
STAY HOME.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW
WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: KISS ME, I'M VACCINATED.
PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES EARVIN "MAGIC" JOHNSON
AND ERIC ANDRE FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE oN TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE
BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I AM YOU HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!
IT'S A BIG DAY FOR ME, SINCE I'M IRISH.
I'M A COLBERT, I'M A TUCK, I'M A FEE, I'M A CONLEY, I'M A TORMIE,
I'M AN O'NEILL.
IN FACT, I SCORED 100% ON ROTTEN POTATOES.
BECAUSE OF THE PANDEMIC, ST. PATRICK'S DAY IS VERY
DIFFERENT THIS YEAR.
FOR INSTANCE, HERE IN NEW YORK, THEY COULDN'T HOLD THE NORMAL
PARADE.
THEY JUST HAD A SMALL ONE TO KEEP THE TRADITION TECHNICALLY
ALIVE.
AND TO ENSURE NO CROWDS WOULD SHOW UP, ORGANIZERS INVITED
BILL de BLASIO.
THE C.D.C. IS TELLING PEOPLE TO STAY HOME THIS YEAR BECAUSE
"ATTENDING GATHERINGS TO CELEBRATE ST. PATRICK'S DAY
INCREASES YOUR RISK OF GETTING AND SPREADING COVID-19," AND AN
EVEN GREATER RISK OF SPREADING CARTOONISH STEREOTYPES.
( AS LEPRECHUN ) "STAY SIX FEET AWAY FROM ME POT
O' GOLD!" THE C.D.C.'S WARNING REALLY
TAKES A SHELEIGHLEIGH TO ALL THE BELOVED ST. PADDY'S DAY
TRADITIONS, LIKE GREEN BEER AND SHAMROCKS AND THOSE BUTTONS THAT
SAY "LICK ME, I'M IRISH."
AND I'M SURE THESE NEW WARNINGS ARE GOING TO BE VERY EFFECTIVE,
BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING ST. PATRICK'S DAY IS KNOWN FOR,
IT'S RESPONSIBLE DECISIONS.
THE C.D.C. SAYS THAT "THE SAFEST WAY TO CELEBRATE ST. PATRICK'S
DAY THIS YEAR IS TO GATHER VIRTUALLY."
SO, HEARTFELT THANKS TO ALL THE REVELERS TONIGHT HAVING THEIR
DRUNKEN FISTFIGHTS ON ZOOM.
NOW, THE WHITE HOUSE GOT INTO THE ST. PATRICK'S DAY SPIRIT
TODAY BY DYING THE WATER IN THE WHITE HOUSE FOUNTAIN, FINALLY
DELIVERING ON JOE BIDEN'S CAMPAIGN PROMISE OF CREATING
NEW GREEN JOBS.
IN THE AFTERNOON, BIDEN HELD A VIRTUAL MEETING WITH IRISH
TEE-SHOCK AND MAN WHOSE HAIR WAS DRIVEN OUT ALONG WITH IRELAND'S
SNAKES, MICHAEL MARTIN.
HIS NAME KIND OF LOOKS LIKE MICHAEL, BUT IT'S PRONOUNCED
"MEE"-HOLE.
IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE WEIRD IRISH THINGS, LIKE HOW SEAN IS
PRONOUNCED SHAWN, AND SIOBHAN IS PRONOUNCED SHI-VAHN, AND SODA
BREAD IS CONSIDERED FOOD.
BIDEN CAME DRESSED FOR THE OCCASION WEARING A CLUMP OF
SHAMROCKS IN HIS SUIT POCKET-- EITHER THAT, OR HE'S SLOWLY
TURNING INTO A CHIA-PREZ.
OF COURSE, THE REASON WE HAVE A LOT OF IRISH AMERICANS, BECAUSE
OVER THE CENTURIES, AMERICANS HAVE COME TO THIS COUNTRY FROM
ALL OVER THE WRLD.
AND ONE GROUP OF AMERICANS TOO OFTEN THREATENED BY RACISM IS
ASIAN AMERICANS.
THE MOST RECENT, HORRIFYING EXAMPLE OF THAT THREAT JUST
PLAYED OUT TRAGICALLY IN ATLANTA, WHERE EIGHT PEOPLE,
INCLUDING SIX ASIAN WOMEN, WERE KILLED.
AND I SEE ON THE TV THAT THE POLICE ARE REPORTING THAT THE
GUY WHO DID IT SAYS IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE, BUT WHY
SHOULD WE BELIEVE HIM?
HE'S A MURDERER.
AND THE FACT IS, SIX ASIAN WOMEN ARE DEAD AT A TIME WHEN THAT
COMMUNITY IS ALREADY LIVING UNDER A CLOUD OF FEAR.
AT MOMENTS LIKE THIS I-- I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY, OTHER THAN--
THAT OUR HEARTS GO OUT TO EVERYONE STRUCK BY THIS TERRIBLE
TRAGEDY BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY ANSWERS, NOT IMMEDIATELY.
THE ONLY ANSWER THAT COMES TO MIND IS A SIMPLE BUT STRANGELY
DIFFICULT ONE THESE DAYS, AND THAT'S TO NOT HATE EACH
OTHER, TO RECOGNIZE OUR COMMON HUMANITY.
TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT WE'RE A NASHT OF IMMIGRANTS.
WE MIGHT BELIEVE DIFFERENT THINGS, WE MIGHT NOT LOOK THE
SAME, BUT WE ARE ALL AMERICANS.
WE SHARE A COMMON BELIEF THAT ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL.
AND IT IS THAT BELIEF ITSELF THAT MAKES PEOPLE WANT TO COME
HIRE.
IN FACT, THERE BEEN AN INCREASE OF PEOPLE ARRIVING HERE EVEN
BEFORE JOE BIDEN TOOK OFFICE.
THEN AFTER INAUGURATION, BIDEN ENDED THE PREVIOUS
ADMINISTRATION'S MIGRANT POLICY OF IMMEDIATELY EXPELLING TEENS
AND CHILDREN.
IN FACT, THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY EXPECTS THE
U.S. TO REACH A 20-YEAR HIGH IN NUMBERS OF MIGRANTS ARRIVING AT
THE SOUTHERN BORDER.
BUT THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
WE BUILT A WALL!
BIG WALL, BEAUTIFUL WALL!
NOBODY'S EVER SEEN A WALL QUITE LIKE THAT WALL!
WAS THAT ALL BULL (BLEEP)?
AND I'M BEING TOLD THAT WAS ALL BULL (BLEEP).
WHILE THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION'S HEART WAS IN THE RIGHT PLACE,
THEY DID NOT, APPARENTLY, PLAN FOR THIS INCREASE.
AS A RESULT, RIGHT NOW, THERE ARE MORE THAN 4,000 MIGRANT
CHILDREN IN BORDER PATROL CUSTODY.
LAST NIGHT, PRESIDENT BIDEN SAT DOWN WITH ABC'S GEORGE
STEPHANOPOULOS, WHO ASKED ABOUT THE SITUATION.
>> DO YOU HAVE TO SAY QUITE CLEARLY, "DON'T COME"?
>> YES.
I CAN SAY QUITE CLEARLY, DON'T COME OVER.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, BUT THEN WE SHOULD PROBABLY CHANGE THE
POEM ON THE STATUE OF LIBERTY TO "GIVE ME YOUR TIRED, YOUR POOR.
YOUR HUDDLED MASSES.
WAIT, HOW MANY IS A MASS?
THAT'S A LOT.
HOW ABOUT JUST A HUDDLED BUNCH OR A HUDDLED THROUPLE?"
BUT BIDEN'S DE-INVITATION IS TEMPORARY.
MOST OF THESE UNACCOMPANIED KIDS HAVE RELATIVES IN THE UNITED
AND THE ADMINISTRATION'S GOAL IS TO REUNITE THESE KIDS WITH THEIR
FAMILIES WITHIN A WEEK.
BUT THEY DON'T HAVE THAT PROCESS IN PLACE YET, SO BIDEN ASKED THE
MIGRANTS FOR PATIENCE.
>> DON'T LEAVE YOUR TOWN OR CITY OR COMMUNITY.
WE'RE IN THE PROCESS OF GETTING SET UP.
( AS BIDEN ) "RED ROVER, RED ROVER, DON'T
SEND MIGRANTS RIGHT OVER, JACK.
HOW DO YOU SAY "JACK" IN SPANISH?
JACKAMOLE?
C'MON.
WAIT, DON'T C'MON."
SO, BIDEN'S GOING TO DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY, BUT IT'S NOT A
QUICK FIX.
AMERICA'S IMMIGRATION POLICY HAS BEEN A MESS FOR DECADES.
OBAMA TRIED TO DEAL WITH IT IN HIS WAY.
THAT WASN'T GREAT.
THE LAST GUY TRIED TO DEAL WITH IT IN HIS WAY, WHICH WASN'T
GREAT AGAIN.
NOW BIDEN'S GOING TO TRY HIS WAY, BUT BETWEEN THE PANDEMIC,
AND THE ECONOMY, AND THE CAPITOL RIOT, HE INHERITED QUITE A MESS.
WHEN HE WALKED IN THE WHITE HOUSE, IT LOOKED LIKE THIS.
STEPHANOPOULOS ALSO ASKED BIDEN ABOUT SOMETHING HE SAID TO
VLADIMIR PUTIN.
>> YOU SAID YOU KNOW HE DOESN'T HAVE A SOUL.
>> I DID SAY THAT TO HIM, YES.
AND HIS RESPONSE WAS "WE UNDERSTAND ONE ANOTHER."
I WASN'T BEING A WISE GUY.
I WAS ALONE WITH HIM IN HIS OFFICE.
I SAID, "I LOOKED IN YOUR EYES, AND I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE A
SOUL."
HE LOOKED BACK AND SAID, "WE UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER."
>> Stephen: WOW.
BADASS JOE!
THAT SOUNDS LIKE JAMES BOND IN A SCENE FROM "DR. NO MALARKEY."
>> A NEW INTELLIGENCE REPORT SAYS RUSSIA TRIED TO HELP THE
EX-PRESIDENT IN THE 2020 ELECTION.
YES, RUSSIA PITCHED IN, ALONG WITH THE EX-PRESIDENT'S OTHER
ALLIES: FOX NEWS, MYPILLOWS, INSTITUTIONAL RACISM, AND THE
UNITED FEDERATION OF TERRIBLE UNCLES.
PUTIN HELPING THE EX-PRESIDENT IN THE LAST ELECTION IS
APPALLING, BUT NOT EXACTLY A SHOCKER.
WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEW SEGMENT ABOUT THE OLD
ADMINISTRATION, "EXACTLY WHAT YOU THOUGHT, BUT WORSE THAN YOU
IMAGINED."
( SNARLING ) AT THIS POINT, PUTIN'S MEDDLING
IN OUR ELECTIONS FEELS LIKE OLD NEWS.
BUT IT'S NOT.
IT'S NEW NEWS!
AND IN A NEW NEWS CLIP RELEASED THIS MORNING, STEPHANOPOULOS
ASKED THE PRESIDENT WHAT HE WAS GOING TO DO ABOUT THE NEW NEWS.
>> THE DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE CAME OUT WITH A
REPORT SAYING THAT VLADIMIR PUTIN AUTHORIZED OPERATIONS
DURING THE ELECTION TO DENIGRATE YOU, SUPPORT PRESIDENT TRUMP,
UNDERMINE OUR ELECTIONS, DIVIDE OUR SOCIETY.
WHAT PRICE MUST HE PAY?
>> HE WILL PAY A PRICE.
WE HAD A LONG TALK, HE AND I.
I KNOW HIM RELATIVELY WELL, AND THE CONVERSATION STARTED OFF--
I SAID, "I KNOW YOU AND YOU KNOW ME.
IF I ESTABLISH THIS OCCURRED, THEN BE PREPARED."
>> Stephen: IN OTHER WORDS: >> RUSSIA, IF YOU'RE
LISTENING...
IT'S PAYBACK TIME!" >> Stephen: AND PAYBACK'S A
BORSCHT.
TO TEST THAT BIDEN REALLY KNEW PUTIN, STEPHANPOLOUS GAVE HIM A
POP QUIZ.
>> SO YOU KNOW VLADIMIR PUTIN.
YOU THINK HE IS A KILLER?
>> UH-HUH, I DO.
>> Stephen: WOW, THAT WAS EASY.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW GOOD IT FEELS TO HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO
ACKNOWLEDGES REALITY?
>> UH-HUH, I DO.
>> Stephen: FINALLY, AFTER FOUR YEARS OF THE OLD GUY, WE HAVE A
PRESIDENT WHO'S GOING TO STAND UP TO DICTATORS.
( AS BIDEN ) "HEY, PUTIN, YOU'RE A SOULLESS
KILLER.
KIM JONG-UN, WHAT'S WITH THAT HAIR, MAN?
YOU USE A FLOWBEE WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED?
ZING!
HEY, DUTERTE.
MORE LIKE DOO-DOO TERTE, AM I RIGHT?
HEY, ERDOGAN, YOU MIGHT BE FROM TURKEY, BUT YOUR GOOSE IS
COOKED!
HEY MOHAMMED BIN SALMAN, YOU-- THINGS ARE GOING TO CHANGE,
BUSTER, SOON AS THERE'S PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST.
SO, WATCH IT."
THE REPORT SAYS RUSSIA WORKED TO PUSH MISLEADING OR
UNSUBSTANTIATED ALLEGATIONS AGAINST PRESIDENT BIDEN TO U.S.
MEDIA ORGANIZATIONS, AND TRIED TO "UNDERMINE PUBLIC CONFIDENCE
IN THE ELECTORAL PROCESS AND EXACERBATE SOCIOPOLITICAL
DIVISIONS IN THE U.S."
OH, THAT MUST BE NICE FOR THE EX-PRESIDENT TO DISCOVER THAT HE
AND HIS FRIEND HAVE ALL THE SAME HOBBIES!
I WONDER IF PUTIN ALSO LOVES COMPLAINING ABOUT LOW-FLOW
TOILETS?
THIS DISINFORMATION CAMPAIGN CAME RIGHT FROM THE TOP.
ACCORDING TO U.S. INTELLIGENCE, PUTIN WAS "AWARE OF AND PROBABLY
DIRECTED" THE OPERATION TO HURT BIDEN AND GIVE THE EX-PRESIDENT
A BOOST.
NOW, ALL THROUGH THE ELECTION, WE WERE WARNED BY THE
INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITIES TO BE ON GUARD AGAINST PUTIN, AGAINST
RUSSIA USING DISINFORMATION TO HELP THE FORMER PRESIDENT AND
HIS ADMINISTRATION.
THERE WAS JUST ONE WEAK LINK IN OUR DEFENES: THE FORMER
PRESIDENT AND HIS ADMINISTRATION.
BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT, THIS RUSSIAN PROPAGANDA "WAS OPENLY
EMBRACED, BY THE EX-PRESIDENT'S ALLIES."
( AS ERIC ) "DAD, I HEARD YOU AND YOUR
FRIENDS ARE OPENLY EMBRACING NOW!
CAN I GET IN ON THAT?
I'D SETTLE FOR EYE CONTACT."
DAD!
RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE TARGETED REPUBLICANS USING A GO-BETWEEN:
UKRAINIAN PARLIAMENT MEMBER AND STAR OF "N.Y.-K.G.B. BLUE,"
ANDRII DERKACH.
DERKACH-- OR SOMETHINGMET WITH RUDY GIULIANI AND OTHER USEFUL
IDIOTS AND FED THEM MISINFORMATION ABOUT JOE BIDEN'S
FAMILY, WHICH WAS THEN REPEATED BY FRIENDS OF THE EX-PRESIDENT
AND FRIENDS OF TREASON, LIKE G.O.P. REPRESENTATIVES JIM
JORDAN, DEVIN NUNES, AND FOX HOST SEAN HANNITY.
THOUGHTFUL OF THEM TO MAKE PUTIN'S JOB EASIER.
( WITH RUSSIAN ACCENT ) "OKAY
PLAN IS TO INFILTRATE AMERICAN SOCIAL MEDIA WITH CAREFULLY
SCRIPTED MATERIAL THAT INSINUA- WHAT'S THAT?
DEVIN NUNES IS JUST GOING TO GO ON "HANNITY" AND REPEAT IT
WERBATIM?
OKAY, WEEKEND IS CLEAR!
WHO WANTS TO COME TO THE DACHA AND PLAY POISON THE NAVALNY?"
WHEN ASKED ABOUT IT, JIM JORDAN DENIED ANY KNOWLEDGE OF THE
RUSSIAN SMEAR CAMPAIGN.
>> I NEVER SAW, NEVER HEARD OF, NEVER WAS TOLD ABOUT ANY TYPE OF
ABUSE.
IF I HAD BEEN, I WOULD HAVE DEALT WITH IT.
>> Stephen: OH, WAIT, I'M SORRY.
THAT WAS JORDAN DENYING ANY KNOWLEDGE OF SEXUAL ABUSE OF
COLLEGE ATHLETES WHEN HE WAS A WRESTLING COACH.
HOW DID THAT GET IN THERE?
SO WHY IS THIS WORSE THAN YOU IMAGINED?
BECAUSE JIM JORDAN AND DEVIN NUNES AND OTHER "STOP THE STEAL"
LIARS LIKE SENATOR RON JOHNSON WERE IN OUR CAPITOL, PARROTING
THE PROPAGANDA OF OUR SWORN ENEMY.
THAT'S LIKE YOUR HIGH SCHOOL'S CHEERLEADING SQUAD CHANTING,
"U-G-L-Y WE AIN'T GOT NO ALIBI
WE'RE UGLY!
OOH-OOH AND CLUMSY!
WE SUCK!" I COULD HAVE MADE THE QUAD.
YOU CAN'T SEE I'M DOING THE FULL SPLIT.
I'M DOING THE FULL SPLIT.
IF IT WAS A WIDER SHOT, YOU COULD SEE.
NOW, HISTORICALLY, WHEN A MEMBER OF ANY GOVERNMENT WORKS TO
ADVANCE THE INTERESTS OF A FOREIGN ADVERSARY, THERE ARE
GRAVE CONSEQUENCES-- OFTEN INVOLVING A GRAVE.
SO THE EX-PRESIDENT TOOK GUYS LIKE JORDAN AND NUNES, LINED
THEM UP, AND GOT THEM RIGHT IN THE HEART, WITH MEDALS OF
FREEDOM.
THEY GOT THEM FOR SERVICE TO THEIR COUNTRY.
MAYBE ONE DAY IT WILL BE AMERICA.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
I'LL BE TALKING TO EARVIN "MAGIC" JOHNSON.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I DEFEND A FEMALE DAYTIME TALK SHOW HOST
WHO WILL NOT BE CENSORED.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.
HELLO, JON!
>> Jon: HELLO, STEPHEN.
HOW YOU FEELING?
>> Stephen: I'M FEELING GOOD.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
AS OF MIDNIGHT TOMORROW, THE NEW ALBUM DROPS.
"JON BATISTE WE ARE."
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL.
AND I LOVE THIS DEDICATION TO THE FRONT.
"DEDICATED TO THE DREAMERS SEERS, AND TRUTH-TELLERS WHO
REFUSE TO LET US FULLY DESCEND INTO MADNESS."
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU'RE ONE OF THEM.
YOU KNOW, WE HAVE TO PEOPLE OUT HERE WHO ARE FIGHTING THE WAR TO
KEEP TRUTH AND JOY ALIVE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: I AGREE.
I LIKE THIS "LET US-- WHO REFUSE TO LET US FULLY DESCEND INTO
MADNESS."
JUST THAT-- JUST THAT MUCH MADNESS IS JUST A LITTLE SPICE
IN THE POT.
WE CAN'T FULLY GO.
>> Jon: WE CAN'T FULLY GO.
IT'S ALWAYS GOING TO BE SOMETHING, THOUGH.
IT WILL ALWAYS BE SOMETHING.
THAT'S WHY WE'VE GOT TO KEEP FIGHTING TO KEEP THE BALANCE.
>> Stephen: THIS WILL HOLD BACK THE BALANCE THERE.
WE ARE JON BATISTE.
CAN YOU GIVE US A LITTLE TASTE BEFORE WE GO ON?
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.
JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, BEING A TALK SHOW HOST IS A BROTHERHOOD, AND
A SISTERHOOD.
AND I JUST NEED TO TAKE A MOMENT HERE TO TALK ABOUT A CRISIS IN
DAYTIME TALK, FEATURING A COLLEAGUE WHO I THINK IS GETTING
A LOT OF UNFAIR CRITICISM.
I'M REFERRING TO, OF COURSE, TALK SHOW HOST AND WOMAN
WATCHING YOU PICK UP THE BUFFET COLE SLAW WITH YOUR HANDS, WENDY
WILLIAMS.
WILLIAMS WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF HER SHOW MONDAY, TALKING ABOUT
THE LATEST KIM KARDASHIAN NEWS, WHEN THIS HAPPENED:
>> SHE'S PROBABLY GOT FIVE NEW BOYFRIENDS.
WE HAVEN'T CAUGHT ANYBODY COMING OUT OF THE HOUSE YET BUT, YOU
KNOW, IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME.
SHE'S NOT LONELY.
( BURP/FART COMBO ) I APOLOGIZE.
>> Stephen: DON'T YOU DARE APOLOGIZE, WENDY!
THAT WAS AN AMAZING ROOTIN' TOOTIN' BURP-FART MOUTHBUTT
SAMPLER PLATTER!
WENDY WAS SLINGIN' SUCH HOT GOSS, HER G.I. TRACT JUST HAD TO
CHIME IN AND DISH.
ALSO, WHY NOT LET 'EM RIP?
NO ONE CARES!
EVERYBODY'S ALREADY WEARING A MASK.
ALSO, ALSO, I GOT TO SHOUT OUT WENDY'S SOUND TEAM.
THAT IS A PRECISION MIC SETUP.
HOW DID THEY TECH THAT?
"MS. WILLIAMS, WE JUST NEED TO DO A QUICK MIC CHECK.
WOULD YOU MIND FARTING TO TEN?" ( LAUGHTER )
BUT HERE, HERE IS WHERE STEVE-O COMES TO THE DEFENSE: AS A
FELLOW TALK SHOW HOST, I KNOW THAT GOING LIVE TAKES A LOT OF
GUTS, OUT OF WHICH SOUND SOMETIMES COMES.
MY SHOW IS, ON MOST NIGHTS, PRETAPED, WHICH MEANS I HAVE THE
LUXURY OF EDITING STUFF OUT.
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ABOUT TO DO THIS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THE COURAGE I'M ABOUT TO SHOW.
BUT, JIMMY, LET'S DEMONSTRATE TO THEM THE MOMENTS WE EDITED FROM
LAST NIGHT'S MONOLOGUE.
WELCOME TO-- ( LOUD FART )
-- "A LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT ( BURP )
DEMOCRATS HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING ABOUT THE FILIBRUSTER--
( FART ) -- YET.
( FART ) BUT THERE ARE MURMURS--
( FART ) -- AND RUMORS
( FART ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
( LONG FART ) MY GUESTS ARE LUPITA NYONG'O AND
MARTIN FREEMAN, BUT WHEN WE RETURN--
( FART ) "MEANWHILE"!
STICK AROUND.
I KNOW, PRETTY EMBARRASSING.
I SAID "FILIBRUSTER."
YOU STAY STRONG, WENDY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH EARVIN "MAGIC" JOHNSON.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK.
HE IS A FIVE-TIME N.B.A.
CHAMPION WITH THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS, AN OLYMPIC GOLD
MEDALIST, AND THE C.E.O. OF MAGIC JOHNSON ENTERPRISES.
PLEASE WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW," EARVIN "MAGIC" JOHNSON!
HEY, MAGIC!
>> HEY, HEY, STEPHEN.
HOW YOU DOING, MAN?
>> Stephen: I'M DOING FINE.
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE MIGHT ASSUME, BECAUSE I DO THIS SHOW AND
YOU'RE A FAMOUS PERSON, THAT WE'VE MET BEFORE.
WE'VE NEVER LAID EYES ON EACH OTHER BEFORE.
THIS IS IT.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
THE VERY FIRST TIME.
BUT YOU'RE A COOL BROTHER, MAN.
I LIKE YOU A LOT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S-- QUITE A COMPLIMENT COMING FROM YOU.
I'M GOING TO BREAK SOME NEWS HERE, AND YOU MIGHT NOT EVEN
KNOW THIS NEWS.
MAGIC HAD A TALK SHOW CALLED "THE MAGIC HOUR," AND I DON'T
KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS, BUT I WAS ORIGINALLY OFFERED THE ROLE OF
YOUR SIDE KICK ON "THE MAGIC HOUR."
( LAUGHTER ) AND I FORGOT WHO YOU ENDED UP
ACTUALLY GETTING.
BUT I WAS THE GUY THEY CAME TO AND THEY SAID, "WOULD YOU BE
THIS?
I COULDN'T DO TBECAUSE I WAS JUST HIRED AT "THE DAILY SHOW."
I CAN PROVE IT BECAUSE I HAVE A "MAGIC HOUR" T-SHIRT.
>> IT'S A BLESSING YOU DIDN'T TAKE THE JOB BECAUSE YOU ENDED
UP DOING A WONDERFUL JOB.
WE DIDN'T LAST THAT LONG.
>> Stephen: BUT WE COULD HAVE BEEN FRIENDS.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WE COULD HAVE BEEN FRIENDS.
THIS IS SUCH A TREASURED POSSESSION OF MINE.
ANYWAY, THAT'S ONE OF THE REASONS WHY I'VE BEEN LONGING TO
MEET YOU ALL THESE YEARS.
SECOND, LISTEN, CONGRATULATIONS.
I KNOW IN 2012, YOU BECAME A PART OWNER OF THE DODGERS.
NOW, YOU'VE GOT AN M.L.B.
CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHY.
CONGRATULATIONS ON WINNING THE WORLD SERIES LAST YEAR.
WHAT DID THAT FEEL LIKE?
WHOLE OTHER SPORT, TO BE NUMBER ONE?
>> WELL, IT FELT GREAT.
I'LL TELL YOU, I CAN'T WAIT TO GET THE RINGS.
I CAN'T WAIT TO OPENING DAY TO ALSO, HOPEFULLY, I CAN OWN A
TROPHY ONE DAY, THE WORLD SERIES TROPHY.
BECAUSE I HAVE THE LAKER TROPHIES.
>> Stephen: YOU'VE GOT-- I KNOW.
I'VE GOT A SHOT HERE.
WE'VE GOT A FEW OF THOSE RIGHT THERE.
THIS IS A ROOM DEDICATED JUST TO YOUR TROPHIES WITH A
BASKETBALL-- LAKERS COURT FLOOR DOWN THERE.
THAT'S NICE.
DO YOU MAKE PEOPLE-- IS THAT YOUR FRONT HALLWAY OF YOUR
HOUSE?
BECAUSE I WOULD MAKE PEOPLE WALK BY THAT BEFORE THEY DID ANYTHING
ELSE IN MY HOUSE.
>> WELL, IT'S NOT QUITE IN THE FRONT, BUT I GOT A WHOLE ROOM
DEDICATED TO THE LAKERS AND THE THINGS THAT WE WERE ABLE TO
ACHIEVE-- FIVE N.B.A.
CHAMPIONSHIPS, OF COURSE, AND THE THREE M.V.P. TROPHIES.
AND MY JUNIOR HIGH JERSEY, MY HIGH SCHOOL STATE CHAMPIONSHIP
JERSEY, MICHIGAN STATE JERSEY, WHICH WE WON THE NATIONAL
CHAMPIONSHIP.
AND THEN, OF COURSE, THE DREAM TEAM AND THE LAKER JERSEY.
SO ALL THOSE THINGS ARE IN MY CHAMPIONSHIP LAKER ROOM.
>> Stephen: AND SOON THE WORLD SERIES TROPHY SOMEWHERE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: SOMEWHERE IN THERE.
HEY, DO YOU EVER LORD IT OVER JORDAN.
BECAUSE HE WANTED TO PLAY BASEBALL, AND NOW YOU'RE A
BASEBALL CHAMPION ( LAUGHS )
>> WELL, SEE, MICHAEL AND I, WE LOVE EACH OTHER, SO, LISTEN, HE
TRIED BASEBALL.
AT LEAST HE DID TRY IT.
I COULDN'T DO IT.
I COULDN'T STAND IN THAT BATTER'S BOX AND WATCH, YOU
KNOW, 100-MILE-PER-HOUR PITCH COMING MY WAY.
BUT MICHAEL, GIVE HIM CREDIT.
NOT ONLY-- JUST THINK ABOUT THIS-- STEPHEN, HE WON THREE
CHAMPIONSHIPS, SAID, "OH, I'M GOING TO QUIT, TAKE A YEAR OR
TWO OFF."
THEN CAME BACK AND WON ANOTHER THREE CHAMPIONSHIPS.
I MEAN, 6-0 IN THE N.B.A. FINALS WITH MICHAEL JORDAN.
AND THAT LAST DANCE WAS AMAZING, TOO.
SO I LOVE MICHAEL.
AND I LOVE WHAT HE STANDS FOR AND WHAT HE'S DOING, NOT JUST IN
BASKETBALL BUT OFF THE COURT AS WELL.
>> Stephen: YOU AND I HAVE SOMETHING ELSE IN COMMON, AND
THAT IS BIG FAMILIES.
I'M ONE OF 11.
YOU'RE ONE OF 10.
>> YUP.
>> Stephen: NOW, WAS IT A COMPETITIVE FAMILY?
DID YOU GUYS EVER FACE OFF LIKE FIVE ON FIVE?
>> OH, NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.
I MEAN, ALL MY SIBLINGS PLAYED SPORTS.
SO, YOU KNOW, ANY JUNIOR HIGH WE WENT TO, WE ALL WERE ON THE
TEAM.
WE WENT TO EVERETT HIGH SCHOOL, MY SISTERS ALL PLAYED BASKETBALL
AND SOFTBALL.
WE PLAYED BASKETBALL.
AND WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, WE PLAYED ONE ON ONE, SO THERE WERE
A LOT OF FIGHTS ( LAUGHS ).
YOU KNOW, MY SISTERS WANTED TO BEAT ME UP, I WANTED TO BEAT MY
SISTERS.
I DIDN'T LET NOBODY WIN.
I WANTED TO WIN EVERY SINGLE GAME.
I DIDN'T CARE IF IT WAS MY BROTHER, SISTER, MOTHER, FATHER,
COUSIN OR SOMEBODY ELSE, I ALWAYS WANTED TO WIN.
AND AS A MATTER OF FACT I WON MOST OF THE TIME.
>> Stephen: DID YOU EVER PLAY OBAMA?
>> I DIDN'T PLAY AGAINST HIM.
I PLAYED WITH HIM.
AND WE ACTUALLY WON THE GAME.
WE-- WE-- IT WAS 1-1 TIE.
THEY HAD BEAT US ONE TIME.
WE BEAT THEM ONE TIME.
SO WIPER PLAYING A CHAMPIONSHIP GAME, AND IT CAME DOWN TO THE
LAST SECOND, AND HE HIT THE GAME-WINNING SHOT.
AND HE LEFT HIS HAND UP-- YOU KNOW HOW YOU SWISH IT AND YOU
LEAVE YOUR HAND UP, LIKE, "YEAH, THAT'S ME.
I MADE THAT SHOT."
>> Stephen: "IT'S WHAT I DO!
IT'S WHAT I DO!" TO QUOTE THE MAN HIMSELF.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: NOW, THE COVID COULD BE KNOW-- KNOCK WOOD--
COULD BE LIFTING FAIRLY SOON.
THERE ARE ALREADY SOME SIGNS THAT THERE'S GOING TO BE A
LITTLE RELAXING.
MARCH MADNESS STARTS TOMORROW.
FANS ARE ALLOWED TO BE THERE AT 25% CAPACITY.
HOW MUCH DO FANS AFFECT YOUR PERFORMANCE AS A PLAYER?
>> WELL, STEPHEN, A LOT, BECAUSE YOU WANT THEM THERE TO GIVE YOU
THE ENERGY, RIGHT?
YOU WANT THEM TO-- THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE
DOWN IN A GAME.
A CROWD CAN WILL YOU TO VICTORY, CAN BRING YOU BACK.
AND SO, I THINK IT'S GOING TO BE GOOD FOR ALL THE COLLEGE PLAYERS
TO HAVE SOME PEOPLE THERE CHEERING-- OR EVEN BOOING.
BECAUSE YOU GET OFF ON BOTH, RIGHT, AS A COMPETITOR.
SO THIS IS GOING TO BE EXCITING.
AND I THINK THIS YEAR IS GOING TO BE MORE THAN EXCITING
PROBABLY THAN ANY OTHER YEAR.
YES, WE GOT GONZAGA AS THE FAVORITE, BUT I THINK ANY--
THERE'S ABOUT 10 TEAMS THAT COULD ACTUALLY WIN IT ALL.
AND THAT'S WHAT'S GOING TO MAKE IT SO EXCITING.
BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE THE TRADITIONAL POWERS-- POWERHOUSE
TEAMS LIKE YOU HAD IN THE PAST.
SO YOU ACTUALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
SO EVERYBODY GET READY BECAUSE THIS YEAR IS GOING TO BE REAL
MARCH MADNESS.
>> Stephen: YOU MENTIONED "THE LAST DANCE," THE DOCUMENTARY
ABOUT THE BULLS.
I UNDERSTAND A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT YOUR CAREER IS IN THE WORKS
RIGHT NOW.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS IT-- HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING ANY OF THIS
FOOTAGE YOURSELF?
LIKE, HAVE YOU GONE DOWN THE MEMORY LANE?
AS PEOPLE, YOU KNOW, GO FROM THE TEENAGER, THE HIGH SCHOOL GUY,
TO, YOU KNOW, THE HALL OF FAME CHAMPION.
WHAT MEMORIES HAS THAT BROUGHT UP.
>> WELL, STEPHEN, I HAVEN'T WATCHED NONE OF THE FILM YET.
WHAT I DID WAS, YOU KNOW, OF COURSE YOU RECALL ALL THE
MOMENTS.
AND IT'S BEEN GREAT.
YOU KNOW, THE BEST MOMENT IS EVEN PLAYING AGAINST LARRY BIRD
IN THE 1979 N.C.A. CHAMPIONSHIP GAME, RIGHT.
IT'S STILL THE MOST-WATCHED N.C.A. COLLEGE BASKETBALL GAME
-- >> Stephen: MICHIGAN STATE
VERSUS INDIANA.
>> INDIANA STATE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
SO JUST REFLECTING BACK ON THAT AND WHAT WE BOTH HAD TO GO
THROUGH TO GET TO THAT MOMENT WAS GREAT FOR BOTH LARRY AND I.
AND SO-- AND THEN, GROWING UP IN LANSING, MICHIGAN, MY FATHER
WORKING FOR GENERAL MOTORS FOR 30IES, MY MOTHER WORKING IN THE
SCHOOL CAFETERIA, GROWING UP WITH MY SUBLINGZ-- JUST
RECALLING ALL THOSE MOLTS BROUGHT BACK SO MANY GREAT
MEMORIES OF JUST LIFE, RIGHT.
AND I'M SO HAPPY I WENT THROUGH THAT WHOLE JOURNEY.
AND THEN GETTING TO LOS ANGELES, A LITTLE KID FROM LANSING,
MICHIGAN, YOU KNOW,FRESH OFF THE BOAT IN BIG L.A., AND JUST
CREATING SHOW TIME WITH THE LAKERS.
AND THEN MOVING IN TO THE BUSINESS ARENA.
SO IT'S GOING TO CAPTURE ALL THOSE GREAT MOMENTS, AND IT'S
BEEN FUN TO FILM ALL THOSE MOMENTS.
AND THEN IT'S BEEN A LOT OF MOMENTS WITHOUT ME BECAUSE I
WANTED THEM TO FILM MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND THE GUYS THAT I
GREW UP WITH WHO I'M STILL CLOSE WITH TODAY.
SO IT'S BEEN AMAZING.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE SUCH A FIERCE COMPETITOR.
LARRY BIRD IS SUCH A FIERCE COMPETITOR.
HOW DID YOU GUYS BECOME SUCH GOOD FRIENDS?
HOW DO YOU GET BEYOND THE DESIRE TO BURY THE OTHER GUY ON THE
COURT?
>> WELL, STEPHEN, AFTER WE HATED EACH OTHER FIRST.
BECAUSE WHEN WE LEFT COLLEGE AND WE PLAYED FOR THAT CHAMPIONSHIP
GAME, NOW WE ENDED UP WITH THE TWO MOST-STORIED FRANCHISES IN
THE N.B.A., HIM WITH THE CELTICS, MYSELF WITH THE LAKERS.
SO THEY ALREADY HAD HISTORY BEFORE WE BOTH SHOWED UP.
SO WE HAD TO DISLIKE EACH OTHER BASED ON THE RIVALRY ALREADY.
AND THEN FINALLY WE CAME TOGETHER AT HIS HOUSE.
WE WERE SHOOTING A CONVERSE COMMERCIAL.
IT WAS PROBABLY THE GREATEST MOMENT FOR BOTH OF US.
SO WE SHOT ABOUT THREE HOURS OF THE FILM, SO FINALLY, THEY SAID,
"HEY, IT'S LUNCHTIME."
I'M THINKING I'M GOING TO MY TRAILER TO HAVE LUNCH, AND HE'S
GOING TO HIS HOUSE.
AND HE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "MAGIC, MY MOM HAS PREPARED
LUNCH FOR US AT THE HOUSE."
AND NOW, WHEN HE THREW HIS MOTHER IN THERE, YOU KNOW I
CAN'T SAY NO!
SO NOW WE HAD NEVER REALLY BROKEN BREAD.
SO I WENT UP TO HIS HOUSE, AND HIS MOTHER WAS BRINGING OUT ALL
THE FOOD.
AND FINALLY, SHE SAID TO LARRY, "DID YOU TELL HIM YET?"
AND LARRY SAID, "NO, YOU TELL HIM."
SO SHE TURNED AROUND AND SAID, "MAGIC, YOU MY FAVORITE
BASKETBALL PLAYER" ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: MOMS DON'T LIE.
MOMS DON'T LIE.
>> THAT BROKE THE ICE.
THAT BROKE THE ICE.
AND WE BECAME FRIENDS RIGHT AFTER THAT.
AND WE'RE GREAT FRIEND EVEN TODAY.
AND I LOVE THE MAN.
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, STEPHEN, YOUR COMPETITOR CAN MAKE YOU
BETTER.
LARRY BIRD MADE ME A BETTER BASKETBALL PLAYER, AND I THINK I
MADE HIM A BETTER BASKETBALL PLAYER.
>> Stephen: MAG.
>> IT'S GREAT TO FINALLY MEET YOU.
WE SHOULD HAVE DONE A TALK SHOW TOGETHER.
I THINK IT WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD.
>> WELL, WE WOULD PROBABLY STILL BE ON THE AIR THEN, SEE?
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT, WE'D BE CELEBRATING 25 YEARS IN THE
BROADCASTING HALL OF FAME!
THE N.C.A.A. TOURNAMENT BEGINS TOMORROW ON CBS AND TURNER
NETWORKS.
AND YOU CAN SEE MAGIC IN CAPITAL ONE'S "MARCH MADNESS"
COMMERCIALS.
EARVIN "MAGIC" JOHNSON, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN ERIC ANDRE.
THANKS.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
MY NEXT GUEST IS THE HOST AND CREATOR OF "THE ERIC ANDRE
SHOW."
HIS LATEST FILM IS "BAD TRIP."
>> YOU DESTROYED MY CAR.
NOW I'M GOING TO DESTROY YOU!
YOU BETTER TELL ME ( BLEEP )!
ARRGGHH!
( BLEEP )!
OH, MY GOD!
OH!
HELP!
( BLEEP ).
STOP LOOKING.
THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
>> SOMEBODY NEEDS SOME HELP HERE!
>> TALK HIM OUT OF KILLING ME!
>> LET HIM GO!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK
TO "A LATE SHOW," ERIC ANDRE!
ERIC, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
YEAH, STANDING "O."
NICE.
YOU LOOK GOOD.
>> JEFF TUBEIN IS AT MY HOUSE ACTUALLY RIGHT NOW.
SHOULD I SEND HIM HOME?
>> Stephen: NO, BRING HIM ON.
WE'RE FRIEND.
TUBEIN AND I ARE FRIENDS.
PLEASE BRING HIM ON.
WHAT PEOPLE DON'T KNOW FROM THAT CLIP IS THAT THOSE OTHER PEOPLE,
OTHER THAN YOU AND TIFFANY HADDISH, NOBODY KNEW WHAT WAS
GOING ON.
THEY ACTUALLY THOUGHT SHE WAS TRYING TO MURDER YOU.
>> RIGHT.
IT'S ALL HIDDEN CAMERA PRANK-BASED.
>> Stephen: AND WE'LL GET TO THAT IN A SECOND.
I WANT TO HEAR ALL ABOUT IT, OBVIOUSLY.
HOW HAVE YOU-- HOW HAVE YOU BEEN HOLDING UP IN THE ZOOM WORLD?
HOW HAVE YOU HANDLED THE EMOTIONAL CRISIS THAT IS THIS
LAST YEAR?
>> I'VE BEEN DRINKING LIKE JACK KEROUAC, MAN.
I'VE BEEN DRINKING LIKE CRAZY.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR POISON?
I LOVE A COCKTAIL.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I HEARD YOU ACTUALLY BUILT A BAR.
YOU DIDN'T DO THE SOURDOUGH, YOU ACTUALLY BUILT A BAR AT YOUR
CRIB, I BELIEVE THE KIDS CALL IT.
OH, THAT'S IT!
LOOK AT THAT!
>> I BUILT IT IN MY LIVING ROOM.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: THERE'S A HANDLE ON THE COUCH.
I JUST PULL AND I GO OVER TO THE BAR.
WHAT DO YOU DRINK?
WHAT DO YOU DO?
>> I'M A RUM GUY.
YOU KNOW WHAT, I WAS TRYING TO MAKE ALL THESE GASTRONOMIC COCK
TAILS.
I WAS A FANCY-PANTS CHEF, AND AT THE END OF THE DAY I DRINK A MUD
SLIDE.
>> Stephen: SEX ON THE BEACH.
SLIPPERY NIPPLE.
SCREAMING ORGASM.
>> TOTALLY.
ANYTHING FROM THE 80s MOVIE COCKTAIL THAT TOM CRUISE --
>> Stephen: I JUST WATCHED A LITTLE BIT OF THAT THE OTHER
NIGHT.
DID YOU EVER WATCH THAT MOVIE?
HAVE YOU SEEN IT?
>> IT'S VERY BAD.
IT'S NOT VERY GOOD.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE MR. CRUISE ON THE SHOW SOMETIME.
I THINK IT'S A FINE MOVIE.
>> I HOPE I JUST GOT CRUISE BANNED FROM THE SHOW.
>> Stephen: WHAT-- SO YOU LIKE RUM?
WHAT KIND OF RUM ARE YOU DRINKING?
YOU ARE INTO WHITES, AGED, SPICED?
>> I DON'T SEE COLOR WHEN I SEE RUMS, STEPHEN.
I'M A PRETTY PROGRESSIVE GUY.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> WHAT'S YOUR SPIRIT OF CHOICE?
>> Stephen: MY SPIRIT OF CHOICE?
LISTEN, I LIKE BOURBON.
BUT I CAN DO RUM.
I DON'T KNOW IF WE WANT TO GO ZAKAPA FROM GUATEMALA.
OR DO WE WANT TO GO MOUNT GAY FROM BARBADOS?
>> I'LL TAKE THE MOUNT GAY.
>> Stephen: I'LL DRINK SOME ( BLEEP ) OUT OF SOME MOUNT GAY,
MY MAN.
I DON'T DO THE FANCY MOUNT GAY.
JUST GIVE ME THE ECLIPSE, YOUR BASIC.
BECAUSE-- >> I'M VERY IMPRESSED WITH YOUR
KNOWLEDGE OF BOOZE.
>> Stephen: I'M GLAD.
>> BUT IT DOESN'T SURPRISE ME.
I THINK MOST TALK SHOW HOSTS ARE --
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH, YEAH.
>> GLUG, GLUG, GLUG, GLUG.
THE PRESSURE, THE CORPORATE PRESSURE.
>> Stephen: OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD.
HOW ARE THE NUMBERS, CHRIS?
( LAUGHTER ) 100%.
I'M JUST-- 100-- PUT A RUBBER NIPPLE ON IT WHEN I GET HOME AT
NIGHT-- GAAAA!
100%.
YEAH.
IT'S ALL GREAT.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THE MOVIE.
IT'S CALLED "BAD TRIP."
>> YES.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE WORKING WITH TIFFANY HADDISH WHO IS
JUST-- YOU COULD-- SHE'S JUST PURE COMEDY.
YOU CAN JUST CUT HER OPEN AND COUNT THE RINGS OF COMEDY.
SHE'S JUST A JOY TO BE WITH.
I WANT TO ABSORB HER POWER AT SOME TIMES.
WHAT WAS IT LIKE TO SHOOT A FEATURE WITH HER?
>> SHE'S INCREDIBLE.
I MEAN, SHE'S CALM BEYOND A CELLULAR LEVEL.
THERE IS A REASON SHE'S A MOVIE STAR.
EVERY MEDIUM OF COMEDY, SHE CAN STAND UP, HIDDEN CAMERA PRANKS,
COMEDIC ACTING.
SHE COULD, LIKE, BE A SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER IN THE
OLYMPICS AND MAKE IT THE MOST COMEDIC THING YOU EVER WATCHED.
SHE'S BRILLIANT AND SHE'S LOVELY TO WORK WITH.
>> Stephen: AND SHE'S DATING COMMON.
>> SHE'S DATING COMMON.
>> Stephen: UNCOMMON.
>> THE HOT CUP OF MAN.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY, THIS IS
THE MOST SOBER I'VE BEEN ON YOUR SHOW, AND THIS IS THE MOST OFF
THE RAILS AN INTERVIEW.
I'M USUALLY -- >> Stephen: BECAUSE I'M
HAMMERED.
BECAUSE I AM... I AM ( BLEEP ) HAMMERED.
HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
HOLD ON.
GET MYSELF A BOTTLE OF THIS.
HERE WE GO RIGHT HERE.
>> I'M PICKING MY NOSE ON THIS CAMERA.
GEEZ.
WHAT DO YOU GOT ON THE OLD RECORD PLAYER.
LOOKIE YOU.
GOD BLESS YOU.
I'LL DO-- I'LL DO A SHOT WITH YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING?
>> Stephen: I'M DRINKING THE WELLER 12, YOU EVER DO THIS.
>> Jon: IS IT SCOTCH OR BOURBON.
>> Stephen: IT'S A BOURBON.
>> DO YOU WANT ME TO DO A BOURBON OR A RYE.
>> Stephen: IT'S YOUR LIVER, >> I HAVE AN OLD BARDS TOWN.
KENTUCKY BOURBON IS A REAL SWEET BOURBON I LIKE.
WE'LL DO THIS ONE.
NEAT.
>> Stephen: YEAH, I'M-- I'M OLD WEST SALOON STYLE.
THERE'S NO ICE IN HERE.
THERE'S NO ICE.
MMM.
>> WOOO!
THAT'S HARD CORE.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT WHEN WE RETURN
I WILL ASK ERIC ANDRE ABOUT FRAN LEIBOWITZ, FOR SOME REASON.
LATE SHOW."
WE NOW REJOIN STEPHEN COLBERT'S INTERVIEW WITH ERIC ANDRE,
ALREADY IN PROGRESS.
IF YOU WANT TO HEAR SOME OF ERIC ANDRE'S WORK, YOU CAN RIDE THE
NEW YORK CITY SUBWAY SYSTEM.
BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE ONE OF THE VOICES OF THE SUBWAY
SYSTEM NOW.
>> ME AND SEINFELD AND FRAN LEBOWITZ.
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH, HUGE, HUGE, YEAH.
WHOOPIE GOLDBERG.
YOU NOTICE SOMETHING ABOUT YOU AND FRAN LEBOWITZ, WHICH I LOVE.
>> I LIKE WHEN YOU RELUCTANTLY GET BACK ON TRACK.
I LIKE THE ENERGY, THE ENERGY WHEN YOU'RE LIKE, "YEAH, ALL
RIGHT, WHAT DID WE UHH..."
>> Stephen: THE REASON I DO IT-- AS LONG AS WE'RE TALKING
OUT OF SCHOOL HERE-- IS BECAUSE I IMAGINE THAT THERE'S SOME
REASON YOU'RE ON THE SHOW TO SOMEHOW TO SUPPORT YOUR PRODUCT.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AND WHILE I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR MOVIE, SURELY
YOU DO.
( LAUGHTER ) AND-- AND I CARE ABOUT YOU
BECAUSE YOU'RE A VERY FUNNY PERSON WHO IS READY TO ROLL WITH
( BLEEP ), YOU KNOW.
AND I'M NOT GOING TO DO THIS BIT NOW.
I'M NOT GOING-- >> DO THE THE BIT!
DO THE BIT!
>> Stephen: NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.
MAYBE NEXT TIME, ERIC ANDRE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IT WAS GOOD, TOO.
IT WAS GOOD, WASN'T IT?
IT WAS GREAT!
>> I WASN'T SAYING DON'T DO IT!
>> Stephen: YOU KIND OF-- YOU KIND OF WERE.
YOU KIND OF WERE.
>> NO, THIS IS WHAT I NOTICE.
YOU WERE LIKE FLOWING, WE'RE DRINKING.
AND AS SOON AS YOU HAD TO GO BACK YOU WENT... "I HEARD YOU'RE
ON THE NEW YORK CITY SUBWAY..."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WELL--
>> TELL... US... ABOUT THAT.
I JUST NOTICED THAT CHANGE IN YOUR BODY LANGUAGE.
>> Stephen: I DON'T WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT.
ALL I KNOW IS THAT SOMEBODY PUT ME OFF MY LOBSTER NEWBERG RIGHT
BEFORE I DUG IN, AND NOW IT'S OFF THE MENU!
>> WHAT?
>> Stephen: YEAH!
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
>> YOU'RE BECOMING HOWARD HUGHES.
LIKE, YOUR MIND IS UNRAVELING.
>> Stephen: WELL, I DO KEEP MY URINE IN JARS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> IF I HAD A DOLLAR FOR EVERY
TIME A TALK SHOW HOST TOLD ME THAT --
>> Stephen: >> OKAY.
>> I WOULD HAVE $3.
I LOOK LIKE FRAN LEBOWITZ IS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY.
I LOOK EXACTLY LIKE HER.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: LET'S SEE IF I CAN PIECE THIS TOGETHER.
SO-- >> ...IN COMMON.
IMAGINE IF COMMON ( BLEEP ) FRAN LEBOWITZ.
YOU'D GET ME.
MARCH 26, BAD TRIP.
NETFLIX.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: OKAY, IT GOES LIKE
THAT.
AND THIS GOES LIKE THAT...
THIS GOES LIKE THAT.
OKAY, SO, YOU NOTICED SOMETHING ABOUT YOU AND FRAN LEBOWITZ, I
UNDERSTAND.
SHE IS ONE OF THE VOICES OF THE SUBWAY, AND YOU'RE ONE OF THE
VOICES OF THE SUBWAY.
TELL ME ABOUT THIS PHOTOGRAPH.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> I LOOK-- I LOOK EXACTLY LIKE HER.
I LOOK EXACTLY LIKE FRAN-- IT'S A HAUNTING-- I CAN'T EVEN TELL
WHO IS ME AND WHO IS FRAN LEBOWITZ, IN THAT IMAGE.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER MET HER?
>> NEVER MET HER.
SHE DOES LOOK EXACTLY LIKE MY MOM.
MY MOM LOOKS LIKE FRAN LEBOWITZ, AND MY DAD LOOKS LIKE TYLER
PERRY PLAYING COLIN POWELL IN THE DICK CHENEY MOVIE.
>> Stephen: DID TYLER PERRY PLAY COLIN POWELL IN ADAM
MacKAY'S DICK CHENEY MOVIE?
>> YES >> Stephen: "BAD TRIP" IS
AVAILABLE ON NETFLIX MARCH 26.
ERIC ANDRE, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE SENATE MAJORITY LEADER
CHUCK SCHUMER, JARED LETO, AND MUSICAL GUEST, LANCO.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.