>> SHRIMP TAILS?
THAT'S WHAT AN L.A. MAN SAYS HE FOUND INSIDE HIS BOX OF CINNAMON
TOAST CRUNCH.
ACCORDING TO REPORTS, THE MAN OPENED THE BOX AND NOTICED THE
FIRST SHRIMP TAIL, SO HE LOOKED INSIDE THE OPENED BAG AND SAW
ANOTHER, THEN PRETTY MUCH FREAKED OUT AND CLOSED THE BOX.
GENERAL MILLS HAS REFUTED THE CLAIM SAYING, "WE ASSURE YOU
THAT THERE'S NO POSSIBILITY OF CROSS CONTAMINATION WITH
SHRIMP."
>> HEY!
WHAT'S GOING ON?
E'RE MAKING CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH!
>> WE'LL HELP.
GREAT!
I DO THE BAKING.
>> I SHAKE ON CINNAMON AND SUGAR!
OOPS!
>> AND I ADD THE SHRIMP TAILS.
HE HAS -- ISSUES.
I'M TALKING THE POOP AND THE SEA BUG.
DON'T LOOK ME IN EYES, BRENDA SAID I WAS A LOUSY CHEF WHEN SHE
LEFT ME, BUT NOW SHE'LL SEE.
YOU'LL ALL SEE!
>> I THINK IT'S CLEAR WHY BRENDA LEFT HIM.
>> WHAT DOES SHE KNOW?
YOU HAVEN'T LIVED TILL YOU'VE EATEN THE EXOSKELETON OF AN
ARTHROPOD IN MILK.
THEY'LL STAB YOU IN THE BACK OF YOUR THROAT WHEN YOU EAT THEM!
HAHAHA!
>> TASTES SAD.
LIKE SALTY GARBAGE.
CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH!
TAKE ME BACK, BRENDA!
FROM GENERAL MILLS, THE MAKERS OF CHEERIOS.
>> NOW WITH CRAB CLAWS!
>> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!
TONIGHT, STEPHEN WELCOMES DANA CARVEY, AND MUSICAL GUEST
IMAGINE DRAGONS, FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "S "STAY HUMAN."
NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE BUILDING
IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: HEEIVED!
WELCOME ONE AND ALL.
TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
GLAD EVERYWHEREY'S HERE, TOO.
YESTERDAY WAS ANOTHER GRIM DAY FOR AMERICA WHEN A GUNMAN WALKED
INTO A BOULDER, COLORADO, SUPERMARKET AND KILLED TEN
PEOPLE, INCLUDING A POLICE OFFICER.
IT'S UNSPEAKABLY TRAGIC, AND I CANNOT IMAGINE FOR A MOMENT THE
GRIEF OF THESE FAMILIES AND THIS COMMUNITY CAN BE APPROACHED
WITH WORDS ALONE.
THE ONLY SUITABLE WAY TO HONOR THESE VICTIMS IS WITH ACTION.
BUT OUR GOVERNMENT CONTINUES TO DO NOTHING.
NOW, DUE, APPARENTLY, TO PANDEMIC SHUTDOWNS, IT HAD BEEN
A YEAR SINCE THERE HAD BEEN A LARGE-SCALE SHOOTING IN A PUBLIC
PLACE.
NOW WE'VE HAD TWO IN A WEEK: BOULDER AND ATLANTA.
EVIDENTLY, THE ONLY SOLUTION FOR AMERICA'S GUN VIOLENCE IS
PUTTING ALL OF US UNDER HOUSE ARREST.
THE RESPONSES FROM GUN APOLOGISTS HAVE BEEN
PREDICTABLE.
THE COLORADO STATE SHOOTING ASSOCIATION RELEASED THIS
STATEMENT: "THERE WILL BE A TIME FOR THE
DEBATE ON GUN LAWS.
THERE WILL BE A TIME FOR A CONVERSATION ON HOW THIS COULD
HAVE BEEN PREVENTED.
BUT TODAY IS NOT THE TIME."
WHY NOT?
THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY EVERY TIME THIS HAPPENS, AND THAT'S WHAT I
SAY ABOUT WHAT THEY SAY EVERY TIME THEY SAY IT EVERY TIME IT
HAPPENS.
EVEN THE IDEA OF BEING IN A "GROUNDHOG DAY" SITUATION IS
ITSELF A "GROUNDHOG DAY" SITUATION.
REMEMBER, EINSTEIN SAID, "THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY IS DOING
THE SAME THING AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS.
ALSO, SAME DAY GUN PURCHASES.
WHOSE STUPID IDEA WAS THAT?
THANKS 'EINSTEIN.'" ANOTHER GUN FETISHIST WEIGHING
IN ON THE TRAGEDY IS COLORADO REPRESENTATIVE AND H.R.
SUPERVISOR FOR JOHN WICK, LAUREN BOEBERT.
LAST NIGHT, BOEBERT TWEETED, "WHILE WE ARE STILL AWAITING
IMPORTANT INFORMATION AND DETAILS IN THIS CASE, RANDOM
PUBLIC SHOOTINGS AND SENSELESS ACTS OF VIOLENCE ARE NEVER
OKAY."
WHERE DOES SHE FIND THE COURAGE?
"SENSELESS ACTS OF VIOLENCE ARE NEVER OKAY," IMPLYING, OF
COURSE, THAT INTENTIONAL VIOLENCE IS FINE.
YOU KNOW, THE KIND HER BUDDIES PLAN ON PARLER.
OH, SPEAKING OF CAPITOL HILL, THERE WAS A SENATE HEARING ON
GUN VIOLENCE ALREADY SCHEDULED FOR TODAY, AND REPUBLICANS KNOW
THE MAJORITY OF VOTERS WANT SOME FORM OF GUN CONTROL.
SO THEY IMMEDIATELY TRIED TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT.
CASE IN POINT, LOUISIANA SENATOR JOHN KENNEDY, WHO
OFFERED THIS DOLLOP OF DISTRACTION:
>> I DO THINK WE OUGHT TO KEEP THIS IN PERSPECTIVE.
WHAT HAS HAPPENED IN THE LAST FEW DAYS, IN THE LAST YEARS IS,
OF COURSE, TRAGIC.
AND I'M NOT-- I'M NOT TRYING TO PERFECTLY EQUATE THESE TWO, BUT
WE HAVE A LOT OF DRUNK DRIVERS IN AMERICA THAT KILL A LOT OF
PEOPLE.
WE OUGHT TO TRY TO COMBAT THAT TOO.
>> STEPHEN: I'LL TAKE THAT DEAL!
LET'S REGULATE GUNS THE WAY WE REGULATE ALCOHOL AND CARS!
GOT TO BE 21, GOT TO PASS A TEST TO GET A LICENSE, GOT TO HAVE A
REGISTRATION AND INSURANCE.
IF YOU MOVE TO A NEW STATE, YOU GOT TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN, AND
YOU CAN'T GO OUT LOADED.
LATER, SENATOR KENNEDY SPUN A DIFFERENT LINE OF FOLKSY B.S.
>> I DON'T BELIEVE WE HAVE A GUN CONTROL PROBLEM IN AMERICA.
I BELIEVE WE HAVE AN IDIOT CONTROL PROBLEM.
>> Stephen: OH, WE DEFINITELY HAVE AN IDIOT CONTROL PROBLEM.
IT'S PEOPLE WHO DON'T RECOGNIZE THAT THIS COUNTRY HAS LONG HAD A
GUN PROBLEM, "JOHN KENNEDY."
SO, WHEN IDIOTS LIKE JOHN KENNEDY REFUSE TO DO ANYTHING
ABOUT GETTING RID OF IDIOTS' GUNS, IT'S CLEARLY TIME TO GET
RID OF JOHN KENNEDY.
AND THAT MEANS VOTING THEM OUT.
OF COURSE, A LOT OF OTHER IDIOTS OUT THERE HAVE TRIED TO
UNDERMINE YOUR FAITH IN VOTING, LIKE THE EX-PRESIDENT'S
EX-LAWYER AND "HUNGER GAMES" SOCCER MOM, SIDNEY POWELL.
AFTER BIDEN WON THE ELECTION, POWELL WENT AROUND LYING THAT
DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS, A COMPANY THAT MAKES ELECTION
EQUIPMENT, WORKED WITH DEMOCRATS TO RIG ITS MACHINES TO ENSURE A
WIN FOR JOE.
IN RESPONSE, DOMINION FILED A $1.3 BILLION DEFAMATION LAWSUIT
AGAINST HER.
BILLION-DOLLAR.
THAT'S NOT GOOD.
AS THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S LAWYER, HER STRONG SUIT IS
CLEARLY NOT "WINNING IN COURT."
BUT POWELL IS DEFENDING HERSELF, IN THE DUMBEST WAY POSSIBLE,
ARGUING THAT HER LAWSUIT SHOULD BE TOSSED BECAUSE "NO
REASONABLE PERSON" WOULD BELIEVE HER CLAIMS.
IN A WAY, SHE'S RIGHT.
NO REASONABLE PERSON COULD HAVE BELIEVED HER ELECTION-RIGGING
NONSENSE.
WHICH IS WHY SHE SPENT SO MUCH TIME WITH NO REASONABLE PERSON.
TO GET OUT OF PAYING A BILLION DOLLARS, POWELL'S LAWYERS HAVE
ALSO CLAIMED THAT HER CONSPIRACY RANTS WERE JUST "OPINIONS AND
LEGAL THEORIES" AND NOT STATEMENTS THAT THE PUBLIC WOULD
IMMEDIATELY BELIEVE.
YES, I REMEMBER THEM NOT BELIEVING YOU.
WHAT WERE THEY CHANTING ON JANUARY 6?
>> SIDNEY POWELL'S THEORIES!
ARE WORTH INVESTIGATING!
NOT THAT WE TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY!
ON AN UNRELATED NOTE!
HANG MIKE PENCE!
>> STEPHEN: SPEAKING OF PEOPLE UNDERMINING DEMOCRACY,
POSTMASTER GENERAL AND BAD GUY IN A KIDS MOVIE THREATENING TO
TURN THE SKATE PARK INTO A CAR DEALERSHIP, LOUIS DEJOY.
EVER SINCE BEING CHOSEN TO HEAD THE POSTAL SERVICE, DEJOY HAS
CHOSEN TO DESTROY THE POSTAL SERVICE.
DURING THE PAST ELECTION CYCLE, DEJOY, WHO IS AN ALLY OF THE
FORMER PRESIDENT, MADE CHANGES TO THE POSTAL SERVICE THAT MADE
IT A LOT HARDER TO DO MAIL-IN VOTING.
IT WAS SO EGREGIOUS THAT, JUST BEFORE THE ELECTION, A FEDERAL
JUDGE BLOCKED HIS POLICY CHANGES, CALLING THEM "VOTER
DISENFRANCHISEMENT," BECAUSE OF HOW BADLY DEJOY HAD SLOWED MAIL
DELIVERY.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE DOING A BAD JOB WHEN YOU MANAGE TO SLOW
SOMETHING WE ALREADY CALL SNAIL MAIL.
UNFORTUNATELY, WE'RE KIND OF STUCK WITH THIS GUY.
PRESIDENT BIDEN CAN'T JUST FIRE HIM, BECAUSE HE'S NOT
TECHNICALLY A POLITICAL APPOINTEE.
AND DEJOY HAS NO PLANS TO MAIL HIMSELF A PINK SLIP, AS HE
RECENTLY TOLD CONGRESS: >> HOW MUCH LONGER ARE YOU
PLANNING TO STAY?
>> A LONG TIME.
GET USED TO ME.
>> STEPHEN: SO, HE'S BASICALLY LIKE HERPES THAT LOSES YOUR
PACKAGES.
AND OUR POSTAL SYSTEM COULD GET WORSE.
IN FACT, DEJOY HAS UNVEILED A TEN-YEAR PLAN THAT INCLUDES
HIGHER POSTAGE RATES, SLOWER SERVICES AND REDUCED POST OFFICE
HOURS.
THOUGH HE HAS INTRODUCED ONE-DAY PACKAGE DELIVERY, IN THAT YOUR
PACKAGE WILL BE DELIVERED "ONE DAY."
SWITCHING TO LIGHTER NEWS, THE GLOBAL PANDEMIC. ACCORDING
TO A NEW STUDY, SINCE THE CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN BEGAN,
AMERICANS HAVE GAINED AN AVERAGE OF NEARLY TWO POUNDS A MONTH.
AND ONE COMPANY THAT ISN'T HELPING IS KRISPY KREME, BECAUSE
THEY JUST ANNOUNCED THAT, IN ORDER TO ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO GET
THEIR COVID SHOTS, THEY WILL BE GIVING FREE DOUGHNUTS TO ANYONE
WITH PROOF OF VACCINATION.
THIS OFFER PERFECTLY SUMS UP AMERICANS' PRIORITIES.
"LIFE-SAVING MEDICINE?
WAIT, THERE ARE DONUTS?
OUT OF THE WAY, GRANDPA!
I HAVE A PREEXISTING CONDITION OF NOT HAVING A DONUT IN MY
MOUTH!" I COULD GO FOR ONE.
OH, GOD, YES.
>> YOU HAVE TO HAVE COFFEE.
>> Stephen: I'LL HAVE YOURS THEN.
KRISPY KREME SAYS THAT FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR, VACCINATED
INDIVIDUALS CAN GO BACK EVERY SINGLE DAY AND CONTINUE GETTING
FREE DOUGHNUTS.
THERE'S THE INEQUITY INHERENT IN OUR SYSTEM.
OUR SOCIETY IS NOW BROKEN UP INTO TWO GROUPS: UNVACCINATED
PEOPLE HIDING IN THEIR HOMES FOR FEAR OF INFECTING THE ELDERLY,
AND INVINCIBLE GODS, BESTRIDING THE WORLD WITH UNLIMITED FRIED
DOUGH.
WHILE WE'RE ON BREAKFAST, I'VE -- DONUTS FOR BREAKFAST, RIGHT?
OH, ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: NOW WE'RE ON SOME BAD NEWS, UNFORTUNATELY, FOR
SUGARY CEREAL LOVERS THIS WEEK, BECAUSE
A TWITTER USER REVEALED THAT HE FOUND SHRIMP TAILS IN HIS
CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH.
HOW COULD ANY PART OF A SHRIMP GET MIXED UP WITH CINNAMON TOAST
CRUNCH?
DID I MISS A SEASON OF "DEADLIEST CATCH?"
FIRST OF ALL, SHRIMP TAILS DO NOT BELONG IN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
SECOND OF ALL, SHRIMP TAILS DO NOT BELONG ON SHRIMP.
THEY ARE HARD, THEY'RE SHARP, AND THEY DO NOT TASTE GOOD.
I DON'T WANT THEM IN MY PASTA DISH ANYMORE THAN I WANT HOOVES
ON MY BURGER.
CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH DENIES PUTTING SHRIMP TAILS INTO THEIR
PRODUCT, EXPLAINING, "AFTER FURTHER INVESTIGATION WITH OUR
TEAM THAT CLOSELY EXAMINED THE IMAGE, IT APPEARS TO BE AN
ACCUMULATION OF THE CINNAMON SUGAR THAT SOMETIMES CAN OCCUR
WHEN INGREDIENTS AREN'T THOROUGHLY BLENDED.
WE ASSURE YOU THAT THERE'S NO POSSIBILITY OF CROSS
CONTAMINATION WITH SHRIMP."
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, C.T.C.?
THOSE ARE CLEARLY SHRIMP TAILS!
THIS IS LIKE THE LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN SAYING:
(IRISH ACCENT) "AFTER FURTHER INVESTIGATION,
WE'VE DETERMINED ME LUCKY CHARMS DO NOT CONTAIN MOONS, STARS AND
CLOVERS.
LOTS OF SHRIMP, THOUGH."
THEN, THIS AFTERNOON, CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH DOUBLED DOWN ON
THEIR DENIAL, TWEETING, "WHILE WE ARE STILL INVESTIGATING THIS
MATTER, WE CAN SAY WITH CONFIDENCE THAT THIS DID NOT
OCCUR AT OUR FACILITY.
WE ARE WAITING FOR THE CONSUMER TO SEND US THE PACKAGE TO
INVESTIGATE FURTHER."
YES, THEY NEED THE CONSUMER TO SEND IN THE PACKAGE SO THEIR
EXPERTS CAN ANALYZE IT IN THEIR C.S.I. LAB, WHICH OF COURSE
STANDS FOR CEREAL SHRIMP INVESTIGATION.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
I'LL BE TALKING TO DANA CARVEY ♪♪♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY!
LET'S SAY HELLO TO THE CREATOR OF THE BEAUTIFUL NEW ALBUM "WE
ARE."
GO GET IT.
MR. JON BATISTE.
HELLO, JON BATISTE!
HOW ARE YA?
>> Jon: YES, DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY, BABY.
THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: I'VE GOT TO ASK YOU ABOUT SOMETHING VERY
IMPORTANT -- HOW'S YOUR BRACKET?
>> Jon: OH, MY BRACKET, FOR THE "MARCH MADNESS" THAT'S GOING
AROUND!
>> Stephen: I HAVE TO IMAGINE AS A NATIONAL BASKETBALL
CHAMPION YOURSELF -- >> Jon: HEY.
>> Stephen: -- YOU FOLLOW THE GAME OF HOOP AND STICK.
>> Jon: YES, YES.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I HAVEN'T BEEN FOLLOWING IT AS MUCH THIS YEAR, BUT I FOLLOW
COLLEGE BASKETBALL, AND I THINK THERE'S NO STICKS INVOLVED, FROM
MY RECOLLECTION.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
YOU DON'T GET A CHANCE TO HIT IT WITH A STICK IF SOMEONE TRIES TO
STOP YOU?
>> Jon: I THINK THAT'S ANOTHER GAME, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: WELL, WE SHOULD ADD SOME STICKS, MAN.
THAT WOULD MIX IT UP NICELY.
TWO OF THE GUYS -- I'M THINKING OF QUIDDITCH.
THOSE ARE THE BEATERS.
THAT'S THE BEATERS IN QUIDDITCH.
THE BEATERS HIT THE BLUDGER.
HOW'S YOUR QUIDDITCH BRACKET?
>> Jon: OH, STEVE, THAT'S ONE I DON'T HAVE TOGETHER YET.
>> Stephen: I'M PULLING FOR BULGARIA.
THAT VIKTOR CRUMB IS AMAZING.
HE USES THE BRONSKI MANEUVER TO PULL UP AT THE LAST MINUTE.
NO WAY IRELAND IS GOING TO BEAT HIM AT THE WORLD CUP.
>> Jon: WOW, I TRUST YOU.
>> Stephen: I FOLLOW IMAGINARY SPORTS, JOHN.
>> Jon: THAT'S GREAT.
I'M WITH IT.
>> Stephen: JON, DO YOU HAVE ANY SPRINGTIME MUSIC?
THIS IS THE FIRST SHOW WE'VE DONE WHEN IT'S OFFICIALLY
SPRING.
>> Jon: SPRING IN THE HOUSE.
>> Stephen: YEP.
♪♪♪ >> Stephen: I'D LOVE TO HAVE
HIM ON.
THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
>> Jon: YOU WOULD HAVE A GREAT CONVERSATION A WITH HIM.
>> Stephen: I CAN'T WAIT.
IT'S ALREADY DONE.
IT'S DONE.
I WOULD LOVE TO DO IT.
JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY!
THANK YOU, JON!
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A COMEDY ICON AND ONE OF THE FUNNIEST
POPLE I HAVE EVER WORKED FOR, PLEASE WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW,"
MR. DANA CARVEY.
HELLO, DANA CARVEY!
>> WE'RE GETTING A LITTLE SEISMIC HERE.
LET'S JUST RIDE IT THROUGH.
>> Stephen: YEAH, SURF THE MADNESS.
>> HI, STEPHEN, HOW ARE YOU.
>> Stephen: GOOD.
BRINGING THE ENERGY DOWN.
WE'VE HAD ENOUGH FUN, LET'S GET INTO IT.
>> THERE'S A PANDEMIC OUT THERE, DDAMMIT!
>> Stephen: DANA, YOU KNOW I HAVE QUESTIONS, I'M A
PROFESSIONAL BUT I WANT TO DRINK YOU IN.
LOVELY TO SEE YOU.
HOW IS YOUR WIFE AND BOYS?
MEV THING'S GOOD?
>> EVERYTHING IS GOOD.
I HAD PANDEMIC BRAIN A LITTLE EARLY ON.
>> Stephen: DID YOU GET THE PANDEMIC?
>> NO, I JUST GOT PANDEMIC BRAIN WHICH YOU HAVE A LOT OF THE
INCONSEQUENTIAL CONVERSATIONS WITH YOUR WIFE WHEN YOUR LIFE
SLOWS DOWN.
I WENT TO THE ELSON'S TODAY.
YESTERDAY THERE WAS SIX PEOPLE IN LINE, TODAY I WENT RIGHT IN.
SHE SAID, YEAH, WHAT DO YOU THINK IT WILL BE TOMORROW?
THIS WENT ON FOR WEEKS.
FINALLY, I SAID, DO YOU WANT TO WATCH LOVE IT OR LIST IT BECAUSE
WE DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE GOING TO KEEP THE HOUSE, AND THEY
MIGHT SELL IT.
SHE GOES, YEAH, I'M IN, I'M ALL IN.
AND THEN WE GOT DOWN TO RAIN.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK IT RAINED -- WHEN WAS THE FIRST RAIN THIS YEAR?
WAS IT OCTOBER OR -- YEAH, SO THAT IS WHERE I WAS FOR ABOUT A
MONTH AND A HALF.
>> Stephen: I LOVE THAT, THOUGH.
I THINK THAT SOUNDS LIKE PARADISE TO ME.
I JUST LOVE THOSE KIND OF CONVERSATIONS.
>> REALLY?
>> Stephen: BECAUSE MY MIND CAN WANDER.
>> YOU NEED FOCUS.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
NO, BUT I LIKE TO KIND OF HAVE A CONVERSATION I CAN KIND OF DRIFT
AWAY IN.
EVIE WILL TELL YOU.
EVIE'S HERE.
DO YOU LIKE THOSE CONVERSATIONS HE JUST HAD WITH PAUL.
>> I DO.
>> Stephen: THOSE SOUND LOVELY.
NOT ALL OF MARRIAGE CAN BE MAKING LOVE ON A MOUNTAINTOP IN
A THUNDERSTORM, DANA.
>> MOST OF IT IS, THOUGH.
OH, NEWS FLASH.
LOOK, IT GETS SEXIER AS YOU GET OLDER, LET'S JUST LEAVE THAT
TOPIC ASIDE.
>> Stephen: 100%.
YOU'VE GOT TO UP THE ANTE.
PT IT THAT WAY.
>> Stephen: I'VE NEVER HAD IT UP THE ANTE.
>> WELL, I WASN'T GOING FOR THE PUN, I WAS JUST SAYING --
>> Stephen: YOU LEFT IT OPEN FOR ME.
>> YOU'RE LIKE BURGE ESDZ MEREDITH WHEN HIS GLASSES GOT
BROKE IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE, THERE'S TIME.
THERE'S TIME NOW.
>> Stephen: I FINALLY HAVE TIME FOR ALL MY PUNS.
>> PERFECT.
>> Stephen: EVERYBODY ENJOYS THEIR DANA CARVEY FROM KNOWING
YOU FROM TV AND THE FILMS.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: BUT YOU'VE BREACHED A NEW MEDIUM NOW, IT IS
THE NEW PODCAST, PUT IT ON THE CAMERA OVER HERE, HITS
"FANTASTIC! WITH DANA CARVEY."
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHAT MADE YOU DECIDE TO GET INTO THE PODCAST
GAME, DANA?
>> I ALWAYS TOLD MY MANAGER, I SAID WHEN THERE'S 2 MILLION OF
THEM, COUNT ME IN.
I'M NOT JUST GOING TO JOIN A FAD.
( LAUGHTER ) NO, I GOT SOME STRUCTURE.
MY BRAIN WAS SLOWING DOWN, SO I THOUGHT, IF STEPHEN COLBERT CAN
DO FIVE HOURS OF TELEVISION A WEEK, I CAN TALK INTO A MIC FOR
45 MINUTES.
SO YOU WERE THE IMPETUS.
BUT MY SON, HE WAS THE ONE WHO SAID LET'S DO ONE WORD -- HE'S
IN HIS 20s -- LET'S DO ONE WORD, DON'T DO A FANCY THING
LIKE DANA WANTS THIS.
LET'S DO JUST ONE WORD.
I SAY FANTASTIC A LOT.
>> Stephen: SURE.
AND I USE IT IN PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE, IRONIC WAY
RATHER THAN NEGATIVE.
SO IF I'M DRIVING DOWN THE STREET AND SEE A YUPPY WANDERING
IN THE INTERSECTION CAUSING TRAFFIC AND MAIHEM ON THE CELL
PHONE, INSTEAD OF SAYING WHAT THE ( BLEEP ), I SAY FANTASTIC
>> Stephen: VERY HEALTHY.
IT'S VERY HEALTHY.
THERE'S MORE COVID VARIANTS -- FANTASTIC!
THAT'S THE IRONY.
THAT'S HOW YOU CAN USE IT.
IT'S FANTASTIC.
>> Stephen: I HAVE A SIMILAR THING.
MY SIMILAR THING IS THAT MY EXECUTIVE HERE TOM PURCELL AND I
HAVE A THING WHERE SOMEBODY SAYS, OH, THIS THING IS GOING TO
HAPPEN AND I DON'T LIKE IT, AND I GO, DO I HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER
THAT?
AND THEY SAY, NO.
THEN I SAY, I LOVE IT.
THEN I LOVE IT.
>> THAT'S IT.
I ALWAYS SAY SWEET CHEEKS WHEN I'M DRIVING AROUND, I SAY, LET'S
GO, SWEET CHEEKS, COME ON, SWEETHEART, COME ON, LET'S GO.
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE NEGATIVE AND ANGRY ALL THE TIME,
I'M HAPPY DANA!
DO YOU BELIEVE ME?
IT'S JUST ONE BIG PARTY.
>> Stephen: WHO'S YOUR CO-HOST?
WHO'S CHRIS RIOS?
I NEVER HEARD TO HAVE THIS PESON.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO TRUST HIM.
>> SHE'S NOT A PROFESSIONAL PERSON.
I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE ON MY
PODCAST.
SHE CUTS MY THEY HAVE.
NOT LATELY, DON'T BLAME HER.
SHE'S A BEAUTY EXPERT.
I NOTICED SHE HAD A REALLY GOOD LAUGH.
IT'S KIND OF LIKE JOHNNY CARSON, ED MCMAHON WAS SURPRISED WHEN
JOHNNY SAID I'D LIKE YOU TO BE MY SIDEKICK.
HE SAID, REALLY, ME?
AND JOHNNY KNEW IT WAS A LAUGH, AND LAUGH IS OXYGEN TO PEOPLE
LIKE US.
SHE'S THE SOUND TO THE PODCAST AND KEEPS IT LIGHT AND FUN,
WHICH IS A CONSCIOUS CHOICE ON MY PART BECAUSE I THOUGHT THE
COUNTRY NEEDED A REST.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
WHEN WE COME BACK, EVIDENTLY DANA IS ABLE TO CHANNEL JOE
BIDEN THESE DAYS.
I WONDER WHAT MR. BIDEN HAS TO SAY.
♪♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WE'RE BACK WITH THE HOST OF THE NEW PODCAST, HERE IT IS,
"FANTASTIC! WITH DANA CARVEY," MR. DANA CARVEY.
ONE OF THE THINGS YOU TAUGHT ME, I FREQUENTLY IMPART WISDOM FROM
DANA CARVEY THAT YOU GAVE ME TO YOUNG WRITERS AND COMEDIANS, AND
ONE OF THEM IS YOU HAD THIS RULE WHICH IS FUNNY WITH A SOUND OFF.
>> IF POSSIBLE.
>> Stephen: EXPLAIN TO THE PEOPLE WHAT FUNNY WITH THE
SOUNDOFF MEANS.
>> FUNNY WITH THE SOUNDOFF GIVES THE AUDIENCE PERMISSION TO LAUGH
IN AN UNBRIDLED WAY, AND WHEN YOU DO -- YOU KNOW, LITERAL
PUNCH LICENSE, THEY HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE PUNCHLINE AND THEY
LAUGH.
CASE IN POINT, I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS, WHEN WE DID THE FIRST JOHN
BOLTON ON YOUR SHOW -- >> Stephen: YES.
-- THERE IS A LOT OF WHAT WE CALL "I LOVE LUCY," THAT WAS THE
KIND OF ORIGINAL SHE'S PUTTING THE CHOCOLATES IN THE THING, SO
WE DON'T NEED TO WAIT FOR ANYTHING.
WE CAME BACK, BOLTON'S MUSTACHE WAS BIGGER AND YOU AND I WOULD
JUST NOT REACT TO IT.
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
O THAT WAS FUNNY WITH THE SOUNDOFF.
FIRM, THERE WAS QUITE A LOT OF LAUGHTER THAT NIGHT.
>> Stephen: BUT YOU'RE DOING THE PODCAST NOW AND THE THE
SOUND, THE ONLY THING YOU GET -- NO SOUND, NO FUNNY, HOW DOES
THAT AFFECT THE WAY YOU APPROACH >> WELL, THEN YOU GO BACK IN
TIME.
THEN IT'S LONG-TERM RHYTHMS AND LONG-TERM SORT OF RIFFING ON THE
HIGH SCHOOL WATER POLO COACH WHILE YOUR FRIENDS ARE STONED IN
THE VOLKSWAGEN BUG AND YOU'RE IN THE BACK SEAT.
SO NO ONE CAN SEE YOU BUT YOU'RE JUST GOING ON AND ON.
AND IN THE PODCAST WORLD, A LOT OF PEOPLE'S EARPLUGS, YOU'RE
JUST GOING RIGHT INTO THEIR BRAIN RHYTHMICALLY.
THAT BEING SAID, WE'RE TAKING A BREAK AND GOING TO PUT A LOOSE
VIDEO CAMERA ON THE SHOW.
SO THANKS FOR BRINGING IT.
FANTASTIC.
( LAUGHTER ) THE INTERVIEW IS GOING
ALTERNATIVE FACT SO FAR AND THAT'S A SINCERE FANTASTIC.
>> Stephen: I THOUGHT SO, TOO.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO UNDERMINE YOU.
>> WHAT?
>> Stephen: YOU'RE SO FULL OF WISDOM IN YOUR LIFE, YOU'RE
ALWAYS IMPARTING WISDOM.
I ALSO HAVE IMPARTED THIS TO PEOPLE -- YOUR THEORY AS TO WHY
HAVING CHILDREN AGES YOU RAPIDLY.
DO YOU REMEMBER EXPLAINING THIS TO ME?
AFTER THE CARVEY SHOW WAS OVER AND I CAME OUT AND WORKED WITH
YOU ON A MOVIE FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS, YOU WERE LIVING IN A
HOUSE ON POINT DOOM THAT HAD BEEN OWNED BY LIKE AN
INTERNATIONAL ARMS DEALER.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: IT WAS ALL JUST LIKE GLASS AND GOLDEN SWANS
WHOSE WINGS WERE HOLDING UP TABLES AND --
>> SCAR FACE WOULD LIVE THERE, YEAH.
SCAR FACE WOULD HAVE LIVED IN THIS RENTAL, YES.
>> Stephen: AND IN IT ALL THESE GLASS TABLES HAD THESE
SHARP EDGES, AND YOU SAID YOUR THEORY WAS -- BECAUSE YOU SEE
DEXTER TOM COMING DOWN THE HALLWAY AND THEY BEGIN TO
STUMBLE, AND YOU PICTURE THEM GOING INTO THE TABLE AND BLOOD
EVERYWHERE AND YOUR ADRENAL SQUIRT BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO RUN
WITH YOUR SONS TO THE NEAREST HOSPITALS TO SAVE THEIR LIVES,
THEY RECOVER, DON'T HIT THE TABLE, AND THE THE ADENLEN IS
STILL IN YOUR BODY.
>> NOW I REMEMBER TELLING YOU THAT AND YOU GOT VERY QUIET AND
YOU SAID, I'M JUST GOING TO MY ROOM FOR A LITTLE BIT.
SO IT MUST HAVE AFFECTED YOU IN A VERY PROFOUND WAY.
>> Stephen: TRUE, I'VE THOUGHT OF IT EVER SINCE.
>> THE OVERACTIVE IMAGINATION IS NOT GOOD.
>> Stephen: T THE ADRENALINE NEEDS TO DO SOMETHING ELSE SO IT
DEVOURS YOUR KIDNEY.
>> CORRECT.
YOU REMEMBER HOW FASCINATED YOU MADE MY KIDS FEEL WHEN YOU WENT
INTO IS IT POOL.
>> Stephen: NO, I DON'T REMEMBER.
>> SO WE HAD THE SWIMMING POOL.
STEVE AND YOU, AT LEAST ON ONE OCCASION, WOULD GO TO THE BOTTOM
TO HAVE THE POOL, SIT INDIAN STYLE AND HOLD ON TO THE DRAIN
AND YOU WOULD STAY DOWN THERE.
AND MY SONS ARE, LIKE, FOUR AND SIX, THEY'RE LOOKING DOWN AND
GO, WHEN'S HE GOING TO COME UP, DAD.
HE'S SURE BEEN DOWN THERE A LONG TIME, DAD.
I GO, I DON'T KNOW WHEN HE'S COMING UP.
HE'S GOT A GILL OR SOMETHING.
YOU WOULD SIT THERE.
DO YOU REMEMBER THAT.
>> Stephen: >> Stephen: I VAGUELY REMEMBER
BEING SO ANXIOUS ABOUT MY LEVEL OF EMPLOYMENT WITH A WIFE AND A
CHILD THAT I WAS PROBABLY DOWN THERE TO HIDE FROM THE WORLD,
THAT THE WATER WOULD BURY ME.
>> ANYWAY, I WANT TO THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING ON.
>> Stephen: I'M THRILLED TO BE ON "FANTASTIC! WITH DANA
CARVEY."
>> YOU WILL BE TORTURED AT SOME POINT.
I'M GOING TO HAVE YOU ON AND DIG DEEP.
NOW, WHAT'S NEXT?
>> Stephen: ARE YOU INOCULATED?
>> YEAH, I GOT JABBED TWICE.
I TOOK IT TWICE.
>> Stephen: AND TWO WEEKS SINCE YOUR LAST JAB.
>> PRETTY MUCH, I'M GOING TO SAY YES.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE IMMORTAL THEN, NOTHING COULD KILL YOU AT
THIS POINT.
>> I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, I DON'T REALLY BLAME MY FRIEND DR. FAUCI, BUT LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING, YOU KNOW, THERE'S VARIANCES, YOU KNOW.
LOOK, I DIDN'T WANT THIS JOB, YOU KNOW, IT WAS A
CIRCUMSTANCES, I AGREE.
IT WAS TRUMP AND ME.
GUESS WHO'S STILL STANDING?
ME.
OKAY.
AT FIRST I SAID DON'T HAVE A MASK.
NOW I'M SAYING HAVE A MASK.
I GO FREE.
DON'T PUSH ME.
I GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, I HOPE IT'S OKAY IF IT GOES ON A
FEW MORE MONTHS, I GET A GOOD TABLE, PEOPLE LOVE ME, I GET FAN
MAIL, I GO ON CNN EVERY NIGHT, I FEEL PRETTY GOOD ABOUT MYSELF,
I'M GETTING FRICTIONY WITH MY WIFE.
IT'S A LOT DIFFERENT.
SHE WAS HAVING SEX WITH ANTHONY FAUCI, NOW SHE'S BANGING A STAR!
NOT MY MOST ACCURATE IMPRESSION.
>> Stephen: I WAS SURPRISED TO LEARN NOW DR. FAUCI IS ONE TO
HAVE THE MEN WHO MURDERED LUCA L KABRATSI.
>> I SAID, PICK A PATH AND DO THE IMPRESSION.
>> Stephen: YOU SAID, YOUR IMPRESSION DOES NOT HAVE TO
SOUND LIKE THE PERSON.
>> JUST THE FEELING.
HERE'S MY OR GIN ON MY FAUCI.
I READ ABOUT HIM IN THE BASKETBALL TEAM.
HE'S 5'4:00".
THEY SAID HE'S A ROUGH AND TUMBLE GUARD, ALWAYS FIGHTING.
I LOOK AT HIM, HE'S HEAD OF EPIDEMIOLOGY, SHARP ELBOWS.
I THOUGHT, UNDERNEATH THAT NICE GUY SANETIST HE'S KIND OF A
TOUGH GUY, DON'T PLEEP WITH ME.
YOU CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT.
FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART, STEPHEN, GO ( BLEEP ) YOURSELF
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A BIDEN?
HAVE YOU WORKED ON YOUR BIDEN YET?
>> I HAVE SOME HOOKS.
>> Stephen: HE'S TOUGH.
WHAT'S YOUR HOOK?
WHO WANTS TO GO FIRST.
>> Stephen: I DON'T REALLY HAVE A HOOK.
I'VE GOT THIS 1/2 SMILE.
THAT'S IT, JACK.
COME ON.
EVERYBODY GET IN THE STOOD BAKER, ME AND JILL ARE GOING TO
TAKE YOU TO THE MALT SHOP.
COME ON, EVERYBODY ON THE TRAIN!
>> YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.
HIS VISUAL REMINDED ME -- BY THE WAY, THAT'S A FUNNY TAKE ON HIM,
BECAUSE THAT'S PART OF HIM.
I DO HIM AT THE TOWN HALL WHEN HE'S LIKE THE GENTLE FATHER TO
THE COUNTRY, AND HE LOOKS LIKE THE ALIEN WHO CAME OFF THE
SPACESHIP IN CLOSE ENCOUNTERS -- >> Stephen: YES.
FOLKS, COME ON, FOLKS, LET'S GET REAL, I'M NOT KIDDING AROUND
HERE.
YOU KNOW, WE GOT TO DO THE THING.
WE DID BARACK, WE DID THE DEAL, YOU KNOW, AND, UH -- MY DAD, YOU
KNOW, MY DAD LOST HIS JOB IN SCRANTON, NO JOKE.
NO JOKE, I'M NOT BEING A WISE GUY HERE.
HE SAID, POPS, WHY DID YOU LOSE.
HE SAID, JOEY, I DID.
MOM SAID THE COOKIE CRUMBLES.
HERE'S THE DEAL.
NUMBER ONE THE THING THAT THEY SAID.
NUMBER TWO, THE TWO PART.
FOLKS, THREE.
COME ON, I'M NOT KIDDING AROUND.
NO ROCKET SCIENCE.
HERE'S THE DEAL, COME ON, NOW.
HE TOLD -- HE KNEW, HE KNEW IT FLOATED.
HE TOLD BOB WOODWARD, JOANNE WOODWARD.
HE TOLD BOB REDFORD -- EXCUSE ME.
YOU KNOW, BUT, FOLKS, I CARE.
I CARE A LOT.
PEOPLE ARE SUFFERING, AND I DO.
AND MY MOTHER SAID, YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE WAY THE COOKIE IS.
THAT'S HOW IT GOES, THOSE PLACES.
YOU KNOW, WE CAN DO THESE SHOTS.
WE CAN IN FACT DO BETTER THAN WE DID BEFORE.
SO I DO THE SINCERE GUY.
>> Stephen: I LOVE IT.
THAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
>> GREAT.
BUT THERE'S A LOT THERE, YOU KNOW, IF YOU JUST DON'T WORRY
ABOUT THE FACT THAT HE'S 78, HE GETS A LITTLE CONFUSED
SOMETIMES.
IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE ATTACKING HIM PERSONALLY.
BUT YOU HAVE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT, YOU KNOW, HE'S -- WE'RE
GOING TO TRY, WE'RE DOING THINGS, YOU KNOW.
YOU KNOW, COME ON.
HERE'S THE DEAL, LET ME -- LET ME JUST -- I'M NOT KIDDING
AROUND, NO JOKE, FOLKS.
MY DAD LOST HIS JOB IN SCRANTON.
I LOST MY DOG.
I'M NOT KIDDING, I'M NOT BEING A WISE GUY.
AND HE ALWAYS DOES THE LIST.
NUMBER ONE, THE ONE PART, NUMBER TWO, WHAT THEY SAID.
NUMBER THREE, YOU GET THE DRILL.
IT'S NOT PONY SOLDIER.
THAT'S NOT GOOD.
THAT'S WHAT THE PEOPLE SAID.
SO THAT'S WHAT I'M GATHERING FROM IT VISUALLY.
BUT, YEAH, IT'S A CHARACTER NOW.
IT WAS BIDEN.
IT WAS MORE OVER THE TOP THAN MY IMPRESSION, GO ( BLEEP )
YOURSELF!
HE SAYS IT DIFFERENT EVERY TIME.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE ANOTHER BREAK BUT DON'T GO AWAY.
BACK WITH MORE DANA CARVEY.
♪♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WE'RE BACK WITH DANA CARVEY.
DANA, DO YOU STILL DO AN OBAMA AT THIS POINT?
>> I DO OBAMA A LOT.
I HAVE OBAMA'S LIKE A SIDEKICK ON MY PODCAST.
HE JUST COMES IN, DANA, DANA, I'D LAKE TO COME ON.
I CAN'T THIS WEEK.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, I'VE GOT MY SISTER ON.
SO YOU'RE HAVING A HOUSEWIFE FROM CONNECTICUT INSTEAD OF THE
LEADER FROM THE FREE WORLD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
MICHELLE, HE'S NOT HAVING ME ON.
NO, LEAVE THE EGG SALAD OUT.
I'LL GET TO IT LATER.
DANA, I GOT TO BE HONEST, I LOVE HER DEALER, BUT IT'S PANDEMIC
STUFF.
( LAUGHTER ) HE COMES AND PITCHES SHOWS TO ME
NETFLIX, SEE WHAT YOU THINK, STEVE?
I GOT A BIG DEAL, THINK OF SOME IDEAS.
KIND OF LIKE A BAR SCENE LIKE EVERYONE KNOWS YOUR NAME AND
THEY ALL HANG OUT IN THERE.
I THINK IT'S CHEERS.
MICHELLE, THEY DON'T LIKE IT, BEEN DONE!
HOW ABOUT THIS ONE, BIG OLD BOAT, SINKS, I CALL IT GIGANTIC.
I THINK IT'S TITANIC.
( BLEEP ).
I DON'T WANT TO SWEAR TOO MUCH ON THIS SHOW.
>> Stephen: CBS, ALL ALLOWED NOW.
>> CBS, ALL LATE NIGHT.
I DO THEM AS A FRIEND OF THE PODCAST AND HIS RELATIONSHIP
WITH MICHELLE AND ADVISING PRINCE HARRY AND MEGHAN MARKEL.
>> Stephen: WELL, I HOPE WE SEE A LOT OF MR. BIDEN IN THE
FUTURE.
I THINK AMERICA NEEDS YOUR BIDEN, DANA.
>> STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN COLBERT.
STEPHEN -- STEPHEN -- YEAH, EVEN STEPHEN.
YEAH, STEPHEN JACKSON.
JACKSON, EASY JACKSON -- YES, WE WILL, WE WILL, STEPHEN.
WE WILL HAVE A GOOD TIME.
>> Stephen: OH, MR. McCARTNEY.
DID YOU SEE I HAD RINGO ON THE OTHER NIGHT.
>> YEAH, RINGO, ME BROTHERS, YOU KNOW, PEACE AND LOVE.
>> Stephen: CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW GREAT RINGO LOOKS?
>> HE'S FREAKY.
HE WAS, LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, HE MADE SOME KIND OF DEAL WITH
SOMEBODY.
YEAH, IT'S WEIRD.
HE'S LIKE A LITTLE KID.
HE'S 80.
>> Stephen: I THINK IT'S THE PEACE AND LOVE IS WHAT DID IT
FOR HIM ( MIMICKING )
>> AND I DIDN'T HAVE ANY BROTHERS, RIGHT, GEORGE?
>> Stephen: YEAH, WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY BROTHERS.
PAUL AND JOHN WERE THE PRIMARY SONGWRITERS OF THE BAND --
>> Stephen: THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME I WROTE A LITTLE SKIFFLE
SONG CALLED SQUIDY SQUIDY SQUIDY, LOVE MY LITTLE SQUIDIES,
ROCK AN ROLL.
AND JOHN AND PAUL SAID THE BEATLES DON'T DO SONGS ABOUT
MOLLUSKS, AND THEN CAME OUT WITH OCTOBER PUT'S GARDEN.
>> I DO PAUL McCARTNEY DELIVERING NEWS BECAUSE IT
DOESN'T SOUND SO BAD THROUGH THE YELLOW SUBMARINE.
>> DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE VACCINE, YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST A
THING THAT GOES INTO YA, AND, LIKE, GIVES YOUR CELLS
INSTRUCTIONS.
SAYS, HEY, CELL, COULD YOU GET A BIT SPIKEY?
SPIKE YOUR CELLS UP.
LIKE, HOLD ON, WHAT'S ALL THIS?
OH, WE'RE JUST ASKING.
IT'S INSTRUCTIONS.
GETS A BIT SPIKEY ON YA, YOU KNOW.
AND YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM GOES, WE SEEN YOU NOW.
WE GOT YOUR EYE ON YA.
IF WE SEE YOU AGAIN, WE'RE COMING AT YOU WITH YOUR
ANTIBODIES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
SO THAT'S ALL THE VACCINE.
SO DON'T BE SCARED.
>> Stephen: HAS A REALLY GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR, EVIE.
>> Stephen: HOW ABOUT A CONVERSATION BETWEEN -- CAN
ANTHONY FAUCI HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH PAUL
McCARTNEY ABOUT PAUL McCARTNEY'S VIEWS OF THE
VACCINE?
>> SURE.
YOU KNOW, I LOVED ALL THE COLD CAPPERS THAT YOU DID.
I LOVE THE, HEY, HEY, HOW YOU DOING, HELLO, YOU KNOW, I LOVE
THE CAN'T BUY ME NOTHING, YOU KNOW, ALL YOUR SONGS ARE, LIKE,
REAL SNAPPY.
BUT WE NEED A PSA FROM YOU.
PEOPLE ARE SCARED OF THE VACCINE.
WE NEED YOU TO GO IN THERE AND SAY IT.
>> I WILL, YOU KNOW, I'M NOT AFRAID OF IT.
I'LL TAKE A JABBER IN THE ARM.
GIVE ME A SECOND ONE.
I GOT A BIT LOOPY, A LITTLE CROUPY FOR ABOUT AN HOUR AND
THEN I WAS JUST FINE.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU SAID AND HONESTLY I DON'T LIKE IT, IT
JUST SOUNDS ILLICIT, I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU'RE FROM.
I WAS A ROLLING STONE.
I'LL BE HONEST, YOU WEREN'T MY FAVORITES.
LED ZEPPLIN, LET'S BE HONEST.
BUT WHATEVER GO ( BLEEP ) YOURSELF.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME?
YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT YOU WERE VERY COOL.
YOU GAVE THE TRUMPYS OVER THERE, AND HOLD ON -- HOLD ON IS A GOOD
ONE FOR A BEATLE.
HOLD ON, WAIT A MINUTE, LET'S START OVER!
IT'S BEEN VERY FUN HAVING YOU ON THE PODCAST.
>> Stephen: IT'S BEEN GREAT TO BE HERE.
YOU'RE AN AMAZING HOST.
>> CAN I SAY YOU'RE FANTASTIC.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE PETER JACKSON IS EDITING.
>> I'VE SEEN THE LITTLE THING HE DID, AND I'M VERY VERY EXCITED
ABOUT IT.
>> Stephen: I'VE SEEN EIGHT HOURS OF IT BECAUSE I WAS DOWN
THERE AT HIS PLACE.
>> YOU DID.
>> Stephen: I SAT THERE IN HIS EDITING ROOM AND WATCHED EIGHT
HOURS OF RAW STUFF.
THERE'S 54 HOURS, I WATCHED EIGHT HOURS.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT, MAN.
AS PAUL SAID, THE IMPORTANT THING THAT COMES OUT OF IS THEY
FIND OUT WE WERE MATES, THAT WE LOVED EACH OTHER, AND THERE'S NO
OTHER WAY YOU COULD FEEL ABOUT THE BEATLES.
IT'S GOING TO REWRITE EVERYBODY'S FEELING ABOUT THE
BEATLES AND THE WAY IT ENDED.
>> THAT'S WHAT WE NEED.
THAT'S THE MISSING PIECE THAT WE NEVER GOT TO SEE, ESPECIALLY
PAUL AN JOHN, THE TWO ICONIC SUPERSTARS COLLABORATING BEING
FRIENDS.
SO, YEAH, YOU GAVE ME CHILLS.
>> Stephen: LISTEN, FOLKS, THE PODCAST IS CALLED FANTASTIC.
THE WORD DESCRIBES THE MAN HIMSELF, MR. DANA CARVEY.
IT'S AVAILABLE WHEREVER YOUR STREAM YOUR PODCASTS.
DANA -- >> iTunes, SPOTIFY --
>> Stephen: ALL THOSE.
ALL THOSE.
TINDER.
>> THANKS, STEPHEN.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY IMAGINE DRAGONS.
♪♪♪
♪ ♪
MBZ.
♪ >> THAT'S SPRING BREAK IN
MIAMI BEACH THIS WEEKEND.
POLICE CRACKING DOWN, FIRING PEPPER BALLS --
♪♪♪ >> GENTLEMEN, 30 YEARS FROM NOW
WHEN YOU'RE SITTING WITH YOUR GRANDSON ON YOUR KNEE AND HE
ASKS WHAT DID YOU DO DURING THE GREAT STUPIDLY RACIALLY
MOTIVATED SPRING BREAK MIAMI BEACH ENFORCEMENT CURFEW
OF 2021, YOU CAN LOOK AT HIM STRAIGHT IN THE EYE AND SAID
YOUR GRAND-DADDY SHOT A PAINT BALL GUN ABOVE HIS BIG TANK AND
NOW GO DO WHAT YOU DO AND MAKE THINGS A MILLION TIMES WORSE!
♪♪♪
>> Stephen: AND NOW, PERFORMING THEIR NEW SINGLE, "FOLLOW YOU,"
IMAGINE DRAGONS.
♪ YOU KNOW I GOT YOUR NUMBER NUMBER ALL NIGHT
♪ I'M ALWAYS ON YOUR TEAM I GOT YOUR BACK ALRIGHT
♪ TAKING THOSE, TAKING THOSE LOSSES IF IT TREATS YOU RIGHT
♪ I WANT TO PUT YOU INTO THE SPOTLIGHT
♪ IF THE WORLD WOULD ONLY KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN HOLDING BACK
♪ HEART ATTACKS EVERY NIGHT OH, YOU KNOW IT'S NOT RIGHT
♪ I WILL FOLLOW YOU WAY DOWN WHEREVER YOU MAY GO
♪ I'LL FOLLOW YOU WAY DOWN TO YOUR DEEPEST LOW
♪ I'LL ALWAYS BE AROUND WHEREVER LIFE TAKES YOU
♪ YOU KNOW I'LL FOLLOW YOU CALL YOU UP
♪ YOU'VE BEEN CRYIN' CRYIN' ALL NIGHT
♪ YOU'RE ONLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOURSELF, ALRIGHT
♪ TAKING THOSE, TAKING THOSE LOSSES IF IT TREATS YOU RIGHT
♪ I WANNA TAKE YOU INTO THE SUNLIGHT
♪ IF THE WORLD WOULD ONLY KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN HOLDING BACK
♪ HEART ATTACKS EVERY NIGHT OH, YOU KNOW IT'S NOT RIGHT
♪ I WILL FOLLOW YOU WAY DOWN WHEREVER YOU MAY GO
♪ I'LL FOLLOW YOU WAY DOWN TO YOUR DEEPEST LOW
♪ I'LL ALWAYS BE AROUND WHEREVER LIFE TAKES YOU
♪ YOU KNOW I'LL FOLLOW YOU BA, DA, DA, DA, DA
♪ DA, DA, DA, DA, DA BA, DA, DA, DA, DA
♪ YOU KNOW I'LL FOLLOW YOU LA, DA, DA, DA, DA
♪ WHEREVER LIFE TAKES YOU YOU KNOW I'LL FOLLOW YOU
♪ YOU'RE NOT THE TYPE TO GIVE HERSELF ENOUGH LOVE
♪ SHE LIVE HER LIFE HAND IN A TIGHT GLOVE
♪ I WISH THAT I COULD FIX IT I COULD FIX IT FOR YOU
♪ BUT INSTEAD I'LL BE RIGHT HERE COMIN' THROUGH
♪ RIGHT HERE, COMIN' THROUGH I WILL FOLLOW YOU WAY DOWN
♪ WHEREVER YOU MAY GO I'LL FOLLOW YOU WAY DOWN
♪ TO YOUR DEEPEST LOW I'LL ALWAYS BE AROUND
♪ WHEREVER LIFE TAKES YOU YOU KNOW I'LL FOLLOW YOU
♪ BA, DA, DA, DA, DA DA, DA, DA, DA, DA
♪ BA, DA, DA, DA, DA YOU KNOW I'LL FOLLOW YOU
♪ LA, DA, DA, DA, DA WHEREVER LIFE TAKES YOU
♪ YOU KNOW I'LL FOLLOW YOU ♪ >> Stephen: IMAGINE DRAGONS,
EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "A LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE SHARON STONE AND KEN
BURNS.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.
Captioning sponsored by CBS Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
♪ ♪ ♪ Captioning sponsored by CBS