FOX NEWS HOST TUCKER CARLSON IS RELEASING A
DOCUMENTARY ABOUT THE COLLAPSE OF TESTOSTERONE LEVELS IN MEN,
IN IT A NUMBER OF SOLUTIONS ARE PROPOSED INCLUDING TESTICLE
TANNING. >> THAT IS CRAZY.
>> BUT MY VIEW IS OKAY, TESTOSTERONE LEVELS WILL CRASH
AND NOBODY SAYS ANYTHING ABOUT IT, THAT IS CRAZY.
SO WHY IS IT CRAZY TO SEEK SOLUTIONS?
>> ARE YOU A MAN WORRIED ABOUT DECLINING TESTOSTERONE LEVELS?
INTRODUCING THE TUCKER TESTIC EL TAN, THE PERFECT WAY TO REJUICE
YOUR, SLIMPLY LOWER YOUR TEST TICKLE INTO ITS SCIENTIFICALLY
DESIGNED RECEPTIC EL TRAY, CHOOSE YOUR SETTING, MANLY,
BRAWNY OR PIECE OF BACON. LOWER THE PLUNGER AND THEN RELAX
AS THE HEATING COILS DO THE WORK.
USE OUR ESPECIALLY DESIGNED DETACHMENT TO PRY THEM OUT.
DOES IT WORK? JUST LOOK AT THE RESULTS.
SO TURN THOSE TESTIC ELS INTO TOASTICLE WITH THE TUCKER TESTIC
EL TANNER TODAY. AND IF YOU WOULD LIKE YOUR
SLOALY SUMMERED TRY THE TUCKER CROTCH POT.
>> IT'S ITS LATE SHOW, STEPHEN COLBERT, TONIGHT, STEPHEN
WELCOMES JULIA ROBERTS. AND MUSICAL GUEST WILCO.
FEATURING JON BATISTE AN STAY HUMAN, AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE
FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN
COLBERT. >> Stephen: HEY, HEY.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) NAMASTE.
HEY, EVERYBODY. PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, THANK YOU SO
MUCH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
PLEASE V A SEAT. WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE LATE
SHOW, I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
(APPLAUSE) DID YOU HAVE A LOVELY WEEKEND?
I I HOPE YOU HAD A WONDERFUL
HOLIDAY WEEKEND. THIS ONE WAS EXTRA SPECIAL,
BECAUSE IT WAS EASTER, PASSOVER, RAMADAN, AND A FULL MOON.
SO IT WAS EXTRA BUSY TIME FOR INTERFAITH WEREWOLVES.
OVER AT THE WHITE HOUSE THEY CELEBRATED TODAY WITH THE FIRST
EASTER EGG ROLL SINCE THE PANDEMIC STARTED.
IT'S SO NICE WE CAN GATHER AGAIN, AND WATCH THE CHILDREN
SAFELY HAVE THEIR EGG RACE, WHILE WE GAMBLE BIG MONEY ON FAN
DUEL. LET'S GO PINK JACKET IF I DON'T
COME ON PINK JACK ELEVATOR, IF I DON'T
PAY THE EASTER BUNNY, HE'S GONNA TAKE MY THUMBS.
PINK JACKET, GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME C'MON GO BABY, GO BABY
GO RUN FOR THE ROSES, COME ON.
(APPLAUSE) NOW, I OWE A LOT OF MONEY.
I OWE A LOT OF PEOPLE A LOT OF MONEY, JON.
PRESIDENT BIDEN GAVE A SPEECH DURING THE EVENT, AND HE CALLED
OUT THE GUEST OF HONOR: >> IT MEANS SO MUCH TO SEE AND
HEAR THE CHILDREN AND ALL THE FAMILIES SHOW UP TO BE HERE
TODAY; THE JOY, THE LAUGHTER, AND THE OCCASIONAL- AT LEAST
WITH MY YOUNG GRANDSON WHO IS ONLY TWO, THE OCCASIONAL--
THERE'S THE EASTER BUNNY. A LITTLE STARTLED SOMETIMES.
>> Stephen: (AS BIDEN) "YEAH, IT'S THE EASTER BUNNY!
OOH HEY WATCH OUT, GIANT RABBITS CAN BE SCARY, JACK!
HOLD ON, BUDDY. BACK IN SCRANTON, POPS USED TO
SAY TO ME, 'HEY JOEY, DON'T LOOK A BUNNY SQUARE IN THE EYE, OR
IT'LL TEAR YOUR FACE STRAIGHT OFF.
BUNNIES ARE NOTHIN' BUT A DRESSED-UP RACCOON RABIES
VECTOR. YOU GOTTA ARM-WRESTLE 'EM TO GET
THEIR PRECIOUS EGGS. IT'S ALL IN THE BIBLE.
DELETED SCENES, BOOK OF PEEPS. OH WATCH OUT GET BEHIND ME,
JILL! COME ON, JACKRABBIT!"
(APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT, THANK YOU. TODAY WAS ALSO TAX DAY, OR AS
JEFF BEZOS SAYS, NO, IT'S NOT. IF YOU PROCRASTINATED, YOU'RE
NOT ALONE. AS OF LAST WEEK, 40% OF THIS
YEAR'S TAXPAYERS WERE STILL UNACCOUNTED FOR, WITH MANY
SCRAMBLING TO SUBMIT THEIR DOCUMENTS TODAY.
IN FACT, GOOGLE'S TOP SEARCH TERM TODAY WAS:
"WHAT IS 1099 HOW TO GET FACE TRANSPLANT AND MOVE TO MEXICO
TONIGHT." THE MID TERM FOR THOSE WITH KAL
OWNERS ARE JUST SEVEN MONTHS AWAY AND THE CULTURE WARS ARE
RAGING IN ANTICIPATION OF THE VOTE, GROUNDS ZEREAU FOR ITS
CULTURAL WARS IS FLOOR DA, THEY PASSED SOMETHING CALLED HB-7
WHICH PROHIBITS ANY TEACHING THAT COULD MAKE STUDENTS FEEL
THEY BEAR PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR HISTORIC
WRONGS BECAUSE OF THEIR RACE, COLOR, SEX OR NATIONAL ORIGIN.
BUT YOU CAN'T REALLY TELL THE STORY OF AMERICA WITHOUT TALKING
ABOUT HISTORIC WRONGS. WHAT IS HISTORY CLASS IN FLORIDA
GOING TO BE LIKE NOW? (AS TEACHER)
"TODAY, WE'RE GOING TO LEARN THAT IN 1492, COLUMBUS SAILED
THE OCEAN BLUE, BLAH BLAH BLAH. THE NEW "BATMAN" IS NOW
STREAMING ON HBO MAX. COME AND GET YOUR DIPLOMA."
AND THIS CENSORSHIP ISN'T JUST AFFECTING HISTORY CLASS, BECAUSE
THIS WEEKEND WE LEARNED THAT FLORIDA REJECTED 41% OF NEW MATH
TEXTBOOKS. AT LEAST THEY THINK IT'S 41%.
FOR SOME REASON, THEY JUST SUCK AT MATH.
SO WHY THE WAR AGAINST ARITHMETIC?
THE FLORIDA EDUCATION DEPARTMENT EXPLAINED THAT REASONS FOR
REJECTING TEXTBOOKS INCLUDED REFERENCES TO CRITICAL RACE
THEORY WHICH THE FLORIDA LEGISLATURE SAYS INCLUDES
THEORIES THAT DISTORT HISTORICAL EVENTS.
EXPLAINS THE UPDATED UNIT ON DIVISION,
"A HOUSE DIVIDED AGAINST ITSELF, HEY--THAT'S TWO HOUSES NICE."
FLORIDA OFFICIALS DID NOT NAME THE REJECTED TEXTBOOKS NOR
PROVIDE EXAMPLES OF PASSAGES THAT FAILED TO MEET THE
CRITERIA, BUT, DESCRIBED THE REVIEW PROCESS AS TRANSPARENT.
I GUESS THEY ALSO BANNED DICTIONARIES, BECAUSE THAT'S NOT
WHAT TRANSPARENT MEANS. (APPLAUSE)
, SURE, DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE, RIGHT, JON.
WHILE THE BANNED BOOKS REMAIN A MYSTERY, HERE AT
"THE LATE SHOW," WE HAVE RECEIVED A COPY OF A
NEWLY-APPROVED FLORIDA MATH PROBLEM:
"CONGRESSMAN MATT GAETZ AND 2 FRIENDS HAVE 10 OUNCES OF
COCAINE. THERE ARE 12 PEOPLE AT THE
PARTY, THREE OF THEM ARE GIRLS UNDER 18.
WHAT SHOULD HE CALL IT ON THE VENMO TRANSACTION?"
CHEESIER CHEESIER SCHOOL SUPPLIES, THE CORRECTS ANSWER IS
SCHOOL SUPPLIES. ONE OF THE ENGINEERS ON THE
EXPRESS TO RIGHTWING CRAZY TOWN IS FOX NEWS HOST TUCKER CARLSON,
SEEN HERE PICTURING THE GREEN M&M WITHOUT HER CANDY SHELL.
NOW, I'M GENERALLY HESITANT TO TALK ABOUT TUCKER, BECAUSE HE
JUST SAYS AND DOES STUPID THINGS FOR ATTENTION.
BUT THIS ONE'S SO STUPID IT GOT MY ATTENTION.
YOU SEE, TUCKER HAS A NEW DOCUMENTARY ON THE DE-BRO-ING OF
AMERICA. I'LL LET HIM EXPLAIN?
>> ONE OF THE BIGGEST STORIES IN OUR LIFETIMES IS THE TOTAL
COLLAPSE IN TESTOSTERONE LEVELS IN AMERICAN MEN.
THOSE LEVELS ARE DECLINING BY ROUGHLY 10% PER DECADE,
COMPLETELY CHANGING THE WAY PEOPLE ARE AT THE MOST
FUNDAMENTAL LEVEL. >> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, I
DON'T THINK MY LEVEL OF TESTOSTERONE DOES DEFINE ME AT
THE MOST FUNDAMENTAL LEVEL, BUT MAYBE I ONLY THINK THAT BECAUSE
I HAVE LOW TESTOSTERONE. I THOUGHT IT WAS MY SOUL, THAT
IS WHAT I THOUGHT. NOW, ACCORDING TO THIS CRAZY
MOTHER-TUCKER, IT'S A BIG PROBLEM.
THE TRAILER BEGINS WITH A HISTORIC LOOK BACK AT THE LOSS
OF THE AMERICA'S PRECIOUS BODILY FLUIDS:
>> I WELCOME THIS OPPORTUNITY TO SPEAK TO THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA
ABOUT A SUBJECT WHICH I BELIEVE TO BE MOST IMPORTANT AND THAT IS
THE SUBJECT OF PHYSICAL FITNESS. THERE IS NOTHING I THINK MORE
UNFORTUNATE THAN TO HAVE A SOFT, CHUBBY, FAT LOOKING CHILDREN.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE, J.F.K. WAS FAMOUS FOR FAT-SHAMING KIDS.
WHO CAN FORGET THIS MOMENT: >> ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN
DO FOR YOU. ASK WHY TIMMY'S SUCH A TUBBY
TUBBY 2x4, COULDN'T GET THROUGH THE BERLIN WALL.
THAT WAS A CRUEL MAN. >> Stephen: THE TRAILER MOVES
FROM HISTORY TO A LOT OF SWEATY, SHIRTLESS MEN.
>> Narrator: ONCE A SOCIETY COLLAPSES THEN, YOU'RE IN HARD
TIMES. IRON SHARPENS IRON, AS THEY SAY.
AND THOSE HARD TIMES. THOSE HARD TIMES INEVITABLY
PRODUCE MEN WHO ARE TOUGH, MEN WHO ARE RESOURCEFUL, MEN WHO ARE
STRONG ENOUGH TO SURVIVE. AND THEN THEY GO ON TO
RE-ESTABLISH ORDER. AND SO THE CYCLE BEGINS AGAIN.
>> Stephen: GOTTA SAY, COMING FROM A FOX NEWS ANCHOR, THAT IS
A REFRESHING AND POSITIVE CELEBRATION OF HOMOEROTICISM.
GOOD FOR YOU, FELLAS. GOOD FOR YOU. YOU KNOW?
(APPLAUSE) ALSO, IF THEY ARE WORRIED ABOUT
LEVELS OF TESTOSTERONE, LAST TIME I CHECKED TESTOSTERONE
GIVES YOU BODY HAIR, THOSE GUYS ARE SMOOTH AS AN EEL.
AMONG MANY STRANGE MOMENTS IN THIS TRAILER, THERE'S ONE THAT
REALLY CAUGHT MY ATTENTION. IT'S A MAN MILKING A COW
WITHOUT A BUCKET. AND I'M SHEER TO TELL YOU, I'M
NOT FARMER BROWN, BUT I'M HERE TO TELL YOU,
UNLESS YOU GOT A BUCKET, YOU'RE NOT MILKING.
YOU'RE A COW FONDLER. OKAY?
NO, AND YET, AND YET, MY FRIENDS,
SOMEHOW, IT GETS WEIRDER. IS THAT MAN SCANNING HIS PENIS
AT THE SELF-CHECKOUT? BLEEP!
UM, UNEXPECTED ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA.
(LAUGHTER) , CLEAN UP.
NOW IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT THAT
WASnd A I HOPE YOU ARE, TUCKER EXPLAINED IT IN THIS
PROMOTIONAL INTERVIEW FOR THE DOC.
>> IF YOU WANT TO OPTIMIZE AND TAKE IT TO ANOTHER LEVEL, EXPOSE
YOURSELF TO RED LIGHT THERAPY. AND THE JUVE THAT WE WERE USING
IN THE DOCUMENTARY, THERE'S A MASSIVE AMOUNT OF EVIDENCE
WHICH IS TESTICLE TANNING. >> Stephen: I'M NO UROLOGIST,
BUT IF THE LORD INTENDED TESTICLE HEALTH TO INCLUDE A LOT
OF SUNLIGHT, I THINK HE WOULD HAVE PUT 'EM WHERE THE SUN DO
SHINE. LIKE ON YOUR SHOULDERS, O
SOMETHING. YOU KNOW?
BUT THERE IT IS, TUCKER'S PROMOTING TESTICLE TANNING.
WHICH IS SURPRISING, BECAUSE LAST TIME I CHECKED, HE IS THE
WHITEST DICK EVER. (LAUGHTER)
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS JULIA
ROBERTS. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MEANWHILE
JOIN US.
(APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY. THERE JON BATISTE AND STAY
HUMAN. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
♪ JON, RIGHT HERE IN MY HAND, ALL OF THE QUESTIONS FOR
TONIGHT'S GUESTS. THE LOVELY, THE TALENTED JULIA
ROBERTS IS HERE TONIGHT. JULIA ROBERTS.
YOU HAVE A LOT IN COMMON, ARE YOU AN OSCAR WINNER, SHE IS AN
OSCAR WINNER. >> Jon: ST A GOOD FEELING.
>> Stephen: IT WILL BE LIKE TALKING TO YOU, IT SOON WILL BE
LIKE TALKING TO YOU BECAUSE LISTEN, I ALREADY KNEW THIS BUT
IT HAS BEEN ANNOUNCED THAT YOU ARE GOING TO BE IN STEPHEN
SPIELBERG AND OPRAH WINFREY'S THE COLOR PURPLE MOVIE, THE
MUSICAL. THAT'S OUT THERE I AM NOT GIVING
ANYTHING AWAY. >> THAT IS OUT THERE.
WORD IS OUT. >> Stephen: THAT IS FANTASTIC.
YOU ARE GOING TO REMEMBER YOUR FRIEND, RIGHT, YOU'RE GOING TO
REMEMBER YOUR FRIENDS RIGHT. >> Jon: ALWAYS, YOU HAVE TO
REMEMBER, ALWAYS. >> Stephen: FOLKS, I SPEND MOST
OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE, WANDERING THROUGH THE
FARMERS' MARKET THAT IS TODAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, SQUEEZING THE
FINEST NEWS RADISHES, AND RIPEST STORY PEPPERS, SNIFFING THE MOST
TOPICAL DATES, WHICH I THEN PAIR WITH FRA'MANI SOPPRESSATA, AND
THE MOST SUCCULENT HANDRAISED PATA NEGRA JAMON IBERICO, BACKED
UP BY GENEROUS HELPINGS OF BEEMSTER GOUDA, AND A WEDGE OF
BRILLAT-SAVARIN TRIPLE CREAM BRIE, THEN I ADD FORTNUM & MASON
APRICOT AND FIG SPREADS WITH GRISSINI BREADSTICKS AND LA
PANZANELLA CROCCANTINI, AND FINALLY A LIBERAL SPRINKLING OF
SAN SABA ELLIOT PECANS AND SICILIAN CASTEL-VETRANO OLIVES
ON A RAW CARRARA MARBLE SLAB TO LAY OUT FOR YOU THE SPECTACULAR
GOURMET CHARCUTERIE BOARD THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
(APPLAUSE) BUT SOMETIMES, I AM HOSED AWAKE
INSIDE AN EMPTY 6,000 GALLON DIESEL TANKER OFF I-24, WHERE I
AM HIDING FROM A CULT THAT I STARTED, THEN DASH, NAKED BEHIND
A RECENTLY DEFUNCT QUIZNOS, WHERE I MUST WRESTLE A POSSUM
FOR THE REMAINS OF A BAJA CHICKEN FOOTLONG, STAGGER INTO A
MIDDLE SCHOOL REC. YARD AFTER FIGHTING A SEAGULL FOR THE LAST
HAM CUBE IN A LUNCHABLES TRAY, PUNCH A RACCOON TO STEAL HIS
PEANUT, THEN DUMP IT ALL INTO A HUBCAP I STRIPPED OFF AN
ABANDONED '76 CHEVY VEGA TO OFFER YOU THE RAIL YARD BUFFET
OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: THAT RAISES YOUR
TESTOSTERONE, THIS RAISES YOUR TESTOSTERONE, BIG SWINGERS RIGHT
HIRE. MEANWHILE, THE INTERNET IS ABUZZ
OVER THIS OPTICAL ILLUSION THAT SUPPOSEDLY REVEALS A LOT ABOUT
YOUR MENTAL AGE. EVIDENTLY IF YOU CAN SEE THE OLD
MAN WITH HIS HEAD BOWED DOWN, IT MEANS THAT YOU ARE MATURE IN
YOUR THOUGHTS. BUT, IF YOU SEE A YOUNG GIRL IN
THE ILLUSION, IT MEANS THAT YOU ARE A CHILD AT HEART.
JOKE'S ON YOU. I SEE A YOUNG GIRL WITH AN OLD
MAN GROWING OUT THE BACK OF HER SKULL-- SHE NEEDS TO SEE A
DERMATOLOGIST, ASAP. ANYTHING BIGGER THAN A PENCIL
ERASER, GET IT CHECKED OUT, OKAY?
MEANWHILE, AT AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL IN MICHIGAN,
KINDERGARTENERS WERE 'WOOZY' AFTER DRINKING MARGARITAS.
MAN, THE CAST OF "EUPHORIA" IS GETTING YOUNG.
IT SEEMS ONE LITTLE GIRL BROUGHT READY-TO-DRINK JOSE CUERVO
MARGARITAS TO SCHOOL AND THE STUDENTS DRANK THE COCKTAILS
FROM DIXIE CUPS DURING SNACK TIME, ONE OF WHOM WENT AND TOLD
THE TEACHER THERE IS LIQUOR IN THIS CUP.
TO WHICH THE TEACHER SAID, "THEN GIMME THAT.
I MAKE 28 GRAND A YEAR AND I PERSONALLY HAD TO BUY THOSE
CRAYONS STUCK UP YOUR NOSE." MEANWHILE, IN SPORTS RELIGION
NEWS, THE N.F.L.'S HOUSTON TEXANS CELEBRATED PASSOVER THIS
WEEKEND BY TWEETING THESE IMAGES OF THEIR PLAYERS CARRYING
MATZAHS LIKE A FOOTBALL. I ASSUME TO COMMEMORATE WHEN THE
ISRAELITES WERE IN THE TWO MINUTE DRILL RIGHT BEFORE THE
RED SEA CLOSED UP. NOW, SOME PEOPLE DIDN'T CARE FOR
THE TWEET, BUT I LOVE WHEN TEAMS MIX RELIGION INTO THEIR
BRANDING. AND LET'S NOT FORGET, THIS IS
HOW THEY CELEBRATED CHRISTMAS.
MEANWHILE, IN OTHER TERRIBLE EASTER CHOICES NEWS,
A PARENT DRESSED AS THE EASTER BUNNY PASSED OUT CONDOMS AT A
TEXAS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. 'CUZ IF THERE'S ONE THING WE
ASSOCIATE WITH RABBITS, IT'S BIRTH CONTROL.
APPARENTLY, THE PARENT CAME TO SCHOOL TO HAND OUT PLASTIC EGGS,
AND SOME OF THOSE EGGS CONTAINED CANDY, AND SOME STUDENTS WERE
ALSO GIVEN UNOPENED CONDOMS. AN EASTER BUNNY HANDING OUT
CONDOMS MAKES NO SENSE. HE SHOULD HIDING EGGS FILLED
WITH JELLY BEANS AROUND THE BACK YARD TO COMMEMORATE THE
RESURRECTION OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR, LIKE HE DOES IN THE
BIBLE AND ON THE THIRD DAY, JESUS BIT THE EARS OFF THE
CHOCOLATE RABBIT. MEANWHILE, COACHELLA IS
CURRENTLY UNDERWAY IN INDIO, CALIFORNIA, WITH A SPECIAL TWIST
THIS YEAR: COACHELLA IS COMING TO FORTNITE.
THE MUSIC FESTIVAL IS PARTNERING WITH EPIC GAMES TO RELEASE
COACHELLA-THEMED SKINS. SO KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR THE NEW
FORTNITE CHARACTER: 'DO YOU HAVE ANY COKE?'
CAROLINE. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JULIA
ROBERTS.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK. MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACADEMY
TO THE LATE SHOW ALREADY IN PROGRESS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ARE YOU IN FOR A STREET
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACADEMY AWARD WINNING ACTRESS YOU KNOW
FROM, "PRETTY WOMAN," "ERIN BROCKOVICH," AND "AUGUST: OSAGE
COUNTY." SHE NOW STARS IN THE NEW SERIES,
"GASLIT." >> OH, THANK YOU, DEAR AND COULD
YOU PLEASE GET A MARTINI. >> NO, THANK YOU, I DON'T
USUALLY DRINK WITH. >> HE DOESN'T DRINK ON THE JOB
EITHER, I DON'T TRUST HIM ONE BIT.
>> WITH A TWIST? THANK YOU.
>> NOW WHERE WERE WE? >> WELL, I WAS.
>> HAVE I SHOWN YOU MY VASES? THEY'RE CHINESE.
>> YES. I WAS ASKING IF THERE IS ANY
TRUTH TO THE TALK THAT YOUR-- OF THE PRESS HAS SOURED YOUR
RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PRESIDENT. >> I AM THE ONE WHO INTRODUCED
DICK TO MY HUSBAND. >> SO THERE IS NO CONCERN ARE
YOU OVERSHADOWING. >> YOU MAKE ME SOUND LIKE AN OLD
OAKTREE, WOULD YOU ASK SUCH A QUESTION TO KISSINGER.
>> WITH ALL DUE RESPECT HE DOESN'T HAVE A 76% NAME
RECOGNITION WITH AMERICAN FAMILIES, DO YOU THAT.
>> I SHOULD BE TELLING THAT TO PAT NIXON, I HAD TO RESCHEDULE A
FUNDRAISER JUST TO SATISFY H.E.R. LUST FOR THE SPOTLIGHT.
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," JULIA
ROBERTS! >> HELLO.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: THERE WE GO. HI.
>> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: THERE WE GO.
>>OKAY, I WAS ALREADY SO NERVOUS.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I'M VERY INTERESTED IN YOUR
PRODUCTION, GAS LITH WHERE YOU PLAY MARTHA MITCHELL TELLING THE
STORY OF WATERGATE, BUT FOR THE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO DON'T KNOW,
I AM OLDER THAN YOU ARE. I REMEMBER THE WATERGATE
HEARINGS. AND I REMEMBER ALL THE STORIES
ABOUT MARTHA MITCHELL. BUT FOR THE PEOPLE WITHOUT DON'T
KNOW, EXPLAIN TO THEM WHO SHE WAS AND WHY SHE WAS SUCH A
FASCINATING CHARACTER IN WATERGATE.
>> WELL, I THINK, WELL, WHAT IS FASCINATING ABOUT HER TO ME IS
ALL THAT I DIDN'T KNOW. AND MARTHA MITCHELL WAS MARRIED
TO THE ATTORNEY GENERAL FOR RICHARD NIXON, JOHN MITCHELL.
AND THEY WERE THIS SORT OF OUTRAGEOUS, SHE WAS OUTRAGEST,
COUPLE AND SHE WAS A WOMAN WHO IN THAT TIME, IN THE POSITION
THAT SHE HELD WHICH WAS THE POSITION OF WIFE, YOU KNOW, SHE
SHOULD HAVE BEEN GLAMOROUS AND QUIET, AND SHE WAS GLAMOROUS AND
LOUD, YOU KNOW, SHE WAS-- SHE SPOKE OUT.
>> NOT A SHRINKING VIOLET. >> SHE SPOKE OUT AGAINST THE
VIETNAM WAR, ALL THESE THINGS THAT WERE REALLY UNEXPECTED AND
SHE BECAME WILDLY POPULAR. SHE WAS ON THE COVER OF TIME
MAGAZINE AND LIFE MAGAZINE AND WAS REALLY A PIONEER OF WOMEN
SPEAKING THEIR MIND AT A TIME AND IN A POSITION THAT SHE
WOULDN'T-- SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY POPULAR TODAY.
>> tephen: SHE WOULD HAVE DONE GREAT ON TWITTER.
WHAT WAS THE MOST SURPRISING THING YOU LEARNED ABOUT HER WHEN
YOU PLAYED THE ROLE? >> I THINK WHAT, YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE SHE IS FAMOUSLY OUTSPOKEN, SHE WAS REFERRED TO
AS THE MOUTH OF THE SOUTH. >> Stephen: AS YOU CAN TELL,
SHE IS FROM ARKANSAS. >> SHE'S FROM ARCING A AND WHAT
SURPRISED ME THE MOST IN MY RESEARCH WAS TO DISCOVER THAT
SHE ACTUALLY HAD A LOT OF ANXIETY BEING IN FRONT OF
PEOPLE, TALKING IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.
SHE WAS DYSLEXIC, SHE HAD A LOT OF LEARNING DIFFERENCES.
AND SO HAVE TO PRESENT HERSELF WITH POISE WAS REALLY
NERVE-RACKING AND LET'S BE HONEST, LEAD TO A BIT OF A
SHRINKING ISSUE. AND THE NIXON ADMINISTRATION
REALLY TOOK ADVANTAGE OF HER POPULARITY.
THEY REALLY PUT HER OUT IN THE PHOTOGRAPH FRONT AS MUCH AS THEY
COULD. AND.
>> Stephen: UNTIL THEY DIDN'T. >> UNTIL THEY DIDN'T.
>> Stephen: RIGHT, SHE WAS TREATED QUITE BRUTALLY BECAUSE
THEY WERE SO PARANOID THAT SHE MIGHT GIVE AWAY SOMETHING.
LIKE I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT SHE WAS ESSENTIALLY KIND OF
UNOFFICIAL OFFICIALLY HOUSE ARRESTED BY HER OWN HUSBAND IN A
HOTEL IN CALIFORNIA TO KEEP HER FROM SEEING ANYTHING IN THE NEWS
THAT SHE WOULD SCWAWK ABOUT. >> TO SAY SHE WAS HOUSE ARRESTED
BY HER HUSBAND SOUNDS LIKE A LONG ROMANTIC WEEKEND FOR THE
MITCHELL. >> Stephen: HE WAS THE
ATTORNEY GENERAL. >> HE LEFT TOWN AND LEFT HER
WITH SECURITY TO HOLD HER PRISONER IN THIS HOTEL ROOM SO
SHE COULDN'T SEE THE NEWSPAPERSnd OR THE NEWS OR
ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED AT THE WATERGATE HOTEL.
BECAUSE HER PERSONAL BODYGUARD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE HAD BEEN
WRONGLY SENT IN AND INN THE SECOND PATH OF BREAKING TOO THE
DEMOCRATIC OFFICES IN THE WATERGATE HOTEL.
IT IS SO MUCH MORE EXCITING THAN I'M MAKING IT SOUND.
I AM HERE TO TELL YOU, TUNE IN JUST TO FIND OUT WHAT I AM NOT
SAYING ABOUT IT. >> Stephen: WELL, SHE IS FROM
ARKANSAS AND HAS A PRONOUNCED SOUTHERN ACCENT.
ARE YOU FROM GEORGIA WHICH PEOPLE FORGET BECAUSE YOU HAVE
NO. >> NO DRAWL.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY BUT WE DON'T PERCEIVE A SOUTHERN ACCENT
WHEN YOU TALK. I'M JUST CURIOUS, DID YOU HAVE
MUCH OF ONE EVER, DID YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO-- I'M FROM
SOUTH CAROLINA AND I WENT TO THEATER SCHOOL AND THEY KIND OF
TRAINED IT OUT OF ME, WHEN I'M ANGRY OR DRUNK IT WILL COME OUT.
AND I'M JUST CURIOUS. >> STAY TUNED.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY. WAS IT HARD FOR YOU TO DROP OR
DOES IT EVER STILL COME OUT? >> I DON'T KNOW ITS ANSWER TO
EITHER OF THOSE QUESTIONS. I MEAN I THINK-- .
>> Stephen: WAS IT TRAINED OUT OF ME.
>> IT WASN'T TRAINED OUT OF ME. >> Stephen: I MEAN VOCAL
TRAINING. >> I DIDN'T HAVE ANY TRAINING.
>> Stephen: I DONE MEAN THEY PUT A SHOCK COLLAR OR ANYTHING
LIKE THAT. >> I THINK FOR MOST SOUTHERN
PEOPLE YOU DON'T REALIZE YOU HAVE A SOUTHERN ACCENT AND ONCE
SOMEONE POINTS IT OUT TO YOU, SHOWS YOU WHAT YOU THINK, YOU
KNOW, THEN YOU GO OH, I MEAN NOTHING AGAINST-- IT'S FABULOUS
TO HAVE A SOUTHERN ACCENT. >> Stephen: I WISH I STILL HAD
ONE. >> I WISH I STILL HAD MINE.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY. IT'S IMIET CHAMPLING NOW.
>> IT'S SO CHARMING. >> Stephen: BUT ARE YOU
RAISED, LIKE AMERICAN MEDIA MAKES IT SEEM LIKE IF YOU HAVE A
SOUTHERN ACCENT ARE YOU NOT SMART.
>> REALLY? >> Stephen: NO, THAT'S-- LOOK
AT YOU. LOOK AT YOU.
YOU ARE A CARD. >> I'M A CARD.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY NO ONE GETS THAT JOKE, SHE HAS
LITERALLY GOT A CARD. WE HAVE TRO TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF
A BREAK BUT STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE JULIA
ROBERTS, EVERYBODY.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, LOOK AT THAT, JULIA ROBERTS.
NOW THEN, THIS IS YOU WITH YOUR COSTAR HERE, THE MAN PLANNING
THE ATTORNEY GENERAL JOHN MITCHELL AND GOOD LUCK
RECOGNIZING HIM, THAT IS SEAN PENN.
RIGHT THERE. >> WELL, NO, WAIT, THIS IS SEAN
PENN, NO. >> Stephen: HE'S THAT GOOD,
HE'S THAT GOOD. IT WAS NICE-- THE MAN WAS THE
ONE SPENDS HOURS IN HAIR AND MAKEUP INSTEAD OF THE WOMAN.
>> YES, YES. >> Stephen: A LITTLE
REFRESHING. >> BUT ISN'T IT ASTONISHING.
AND CAN I TELL YOU THIS ABOUT SEAN, AND HE DOESN'T WANT ANYONE
TO KNOW HOW NICE AND SWEET HE IS.
BECAUSE IT WOULD DESTROY HIS REPUTATION THAT HE HAS WORKED SO
HARD ON. HE WHAT HAD SO MUCH PATIENCE
GETTING ALL OF THIS MAKEUP DONE. AND IT WAS, YOU KNOW, HE HAD A
BODY SUIT AND THIS WHOLE THING. AND IT WOULD BE SO HOT.
I AM IN THESE FAKE FURS AND MY WIG AND MY BODY SUIT, IT'S SO
HOT, I'M SO ICHY, OH, GOD, TAKE MY COAT.
AND HE JUST WAS ROCK STEADY, ALL HIS STUFF ON.
HE WOULD JUST SIT THERE. >> Stephen: IS THIS THE FIRST
THING YOU HAVE DONE TOGETHER. >> YES.
>> Stephen: I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE.
YOU'VE BOTH BEEN SUCCESSFUL FOR SO LONG.
YOU HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR A LONG TIME.
>> WE ARE VERY GOOD FRIENDS. IS HE REALLY ONE OF MY
DEAREST-- . >> Stephen: ARE YOU BOTH OSCAR
WINNERS SO YOU HAD A PLAY DATE FOR YOUR OSCARS TOGETHER.
>> THERE SAY CLUB. WE MEET ON TUESDAYS.
>> Stephen: YOU NEAT MEET AT THE PARK.
>> HAVE I KNOWN SEAN SINCE I WAS A TEENAGER.
AND I AM NO TEENAGER. >> Stephen: WAS HE A TEENAGER
AT THE TIME TOO. >> NO.
>> Stephen: ARE WE TALKING SPICOLLI SEAN PENN?
>> NO, NO, I WILL KEEP SAYING NO.
>> Stephen: SO THIS IS PREMISE PARTICULAR PIZZA.
>> YES, YES, I THINK I MEN SEAN WHEN I WAS 16 OR 17 YEARS OLD
HERE IN THE GREAT NEW YORK CITY. >> Stephen: WOW.
WHAT IS HE LIKE, WE HAVE HAD HIM ON, HAVE I HAD HIM ON MANY TIME
THIS SHOW AND THE PREVIOUS SHOARKS HE IS IMMENSELY
TALENTED. >> IS HE SO SMART.
>> Stephen: KIND OF PROJECTS ODDBALL AT YOU, KIND OF
PROJECTS. >> MAKING YOU NERVOUS.
>> Stephen: WELL. >> YOU THINK IT MIGHT JUST FALL
APART AT ANY SECOND. >> Stephen: WHAT IS HE LIKE TO
HANG WITH? >> JUST DREAMY.
>> Jon: YEAH. >> YEAH, DON'T TELL ANYBODY.
HE WOULD BE SO CROSS WITH ME TO SAY THAT BUT YEAH, HE'S A DREAM.
AND HE'S SO-- HE CARES SO DEEPLY ABOUT FILM AND CHARACTER AND
PEOPLE AND HUMANITY, HE'S JUST-- HE'S INCREDIBLE.
>> Stephen: AROUND HE LOVES YOU, HE SAID SO PUBLICLY MANY
TIMES. AND HE HAS ALSO EXPRESSED IT IN
AN ODD WAY. >> OH GOD.
>> Stephen: DO YOU KNOW WHAT MI ABOUT TO SHOW YOU.
>> NO S SOMETHING BAD GOING TO HAPPEN.
>> Stephen: I DON'T THINK IT IS BAD, I THINK ST QUITE LOVELY
BUT IT IS VERY STRANGE, MUCH LIKE SEAN PENN IS.
THIS IS HIM HONORING YOU. AND DESCRIBING A VERY SPECIFIC
FANTDTY-- FANTASY HE HAS ABOUT YOU.
[BLEEP] DON'T WORRY STRKS SAFE FOR WORK.
BUT IT'S STILL STRANGE. JIM?
>> IN THE WORDS OF SIR WILLIAM SHE IS THAT WHICH SHINES AND IS
BEYOND CORRUPTION, ONE OF A SELECT GROUP OF ACTRESSES WHO
CAN MAKE ON-SCREEN EATING SEXY, I COULD WATCH HER EAT FOR HOURS
ON END, EVEN IF THE FOOD GOT STUCK IN HER TEETH.
I WANT HER TO MAKE AN EATING MOVEIE IN 3D.
HW GREAT WOULD IT BE. TO SIT THERE WATCHING JULIA
ROBERTS MOVIE EATING IN 3D. SHE IS EATING CORN ON THE COULD
BE, AND THEN SOMETHING GETS STUCK HERE.
AND YOU CAN TAKE YOUR VIRTUAL TOOTHPICK AND SAY I GOT THAT,
BABE. AND--
(APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: SWEET, SWEET BUT
VERY STRANGE, VERY STRANGE AT THE SAME TIME.
>> I GUESS I KNOW WHAT MY NEXT FILM IS.
YEAH. >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK, BUT WHEN WE COME BACK I WILL ASK JULIA
WHAT IT IS LIKE TO QUARANTINE WITH GEORGE CLOONEY.
SOUNDS PLEASANT.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. WE'RE BACK HERE WITH JULIA
ROBERTS. YOU ARE ALSO GETTING TOGETHER
FOR YOUR FIFTH FILL WELL MR. GEORGE CLOONEY CALLED TICKET
TO PARADISE. IT'S A ROMCOM.
OUT IN OCTOBER. SHOT IT IN AUSTRALIA.
>> NOW THIS IS ACTUALLY SEAN PENN AS GEORGE CLOONEY WHICH IS
INCREDIBLE. >> Stephen: I WOULD WOCH
GEORGE CLOONEY. >> EAT CORN SCZ I HAVE WATCHED
GORNLINGS CLOONEY, YES, ABSOLUTELY.
IS HE A FUN GUY TO BUBBLE WITH. BECAUSE IN AUSTRALIA THEY WERE
VERY, VERY TIGHT PROTOCOLS. >> WE WERE HEAVILY, HEAVILY
BUBBLED, YES, HEAVILY BUBBLES, GEORGE AND PRI HEAVILY BUBBLED.
I MEAN-- . >> Stephen:.
>> YOU KNOW, YEAH, EVERYTHING THAT YOU THINK HE IS, HE IS MORE
THAN THAT. >> Stephen: HAVE YOU BEEN TO
THE PLACE IN. >> NO, YEAH, OF COURSE I HAVE.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVEN'T. >> NO, I'M JUST KIDDING, WE ALL
LIVED THERE, WHEN WE WERE DOING OCEANS 12 WE ALL LIVED AT
GEORGE'S HOUSE. YOU CAN IMAGINE?
AND I WAS PRETION NANTD FOR THE FIRST TIME AND YOU WOULD HAVE
THOUGHT I WAS MADE OF GLASS. >> Stephen: OH.
>> I WOULD GO TO REACH, NO, I'VE GOT IT FOR YOU.
LIKE MY BEDROOM WAS ON THE FIRST FLOOR BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT
ME TO TAKE THE STAIRS. LIKE BEING PREGNANT.
THEY JUST WANTED TO DRESS ME IN COTTON BALLS AND USHER ME T WAS
REALLY, REALLY CHARMING, YEAH. >> Stephen: HAVE I BEEN TO THE
HOUSE TOO. ISN'T WANT TO YOU THINK THAT I
HAVEN'T BEEN TO THE HOUSE. >> OF COURSE YOU HAVE.
>> Stephen: I MEAN COME ON. NUMBER ONE SHOW, I'VE BEEN TO
THE SHOWS. >> OF COURSE YOU HAVE.
IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING. IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING.
>> Stephen: I'M ALSO COOL, I'M ALSO COOL.
SPEAKK OF COOL, THIS IS TRULY COOL, CONGRATULATIONS, THIS
YEAR, CELEBRATING 20 YEARS OF MARRIAGE.
>> OH, I AM. >> Stephen: IF YOU DIDN'T
KNOW. IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW, I AM THE
FIRST TO TELL YOU, THAT IS FANTASTIC.
WHAT, I WANT TO ASK YOU WHAT DO YOU THINK THE SECRET IS FOR A
SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE. >> WELL, YOU WOULD KNOW THE
ANSWER TO THAT AS WELL. >> Stephen: 28, 28 YEARS.
>> 28. >> Stephen: YEAH.
YOU WANT TO SAY, WE'LL SAY ON THREE WHAT THE SECRET IS.
>> OKAY. >> ONE, TWO, THREE.
>> APOLOGIZE. >> YOU SAID WHAT?
>> I SAID KISSING. >> Stephen: WELL, I WOULD LIKE
TO APOLOGIZE TO MY WIFE FOR NOT SAYING KISSING.
>> WELL, OR MAYBE YOU APOLOGIZE AND THEN YOU JUST START MAKING
OUT. >> Stephen: THE MAKE UP SEX,
THE MAKEUP KISSING, OBVIOUSLY. >> MAKING OUT.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE, IT IS SO SWEET AND
EVERY LIKE THIRD THING HAVE I SAID THEY HAVE GONE A-W-W-W.
>> Stephen: DO WE KNOW WHO THAT IS?
>> IT'S SO SWEET. >> Stephen: MADAME,
>> Stephen: "GASLIT" PREMIERES SUNDAY ON STARZ.
JULIA ROBERTS, EVERYBODY WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE
BY WILCO.
>> Stephen: THEY ARE CELEBRATING THE 20TH ANNIVERSARY OF THEIR
ALBUM, "YANKEE HOTEL FOXTROT." PERFORMING, "POOR PLACES" WITH
AIZURI QUARTET, WILCO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ IT'S MY FATHER'S VOICE TRAILING OFF
♪ SAILORS SAILING OFF IN THE MORNING
♪ FOR THE AIR-CONDITIONED ROOMS
AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ HIS JAW'S BEEN BROKEN
HIS BANDAGE IS WRAPPED TOO TIGHT
♪ HIS FANGS HAVE BEEN PULLED AND I REALLY WANT
♪ TO SEE YOU TONIGHT ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ THERE'S BOURBON ON THE BREATH
OF THE SINGER YOU LOVE SO MUCH
♪ HE TAKES ALL HIS WORDS FROM THE BOOKS
♪ THAT YOU DON'T READ ANYWAY
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ HIS JAW'S BEEN BROKEN
HIS BANDAGE IS WRAPPED TOO TIGHT
♪ HIS FANGS HAVE BEEN PULLED AND I REALLY WANT
♪ TO SEE YOU TONIGHT ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ SOMEONE TIES A BOW
IN MY BACKYARD TO SHOW ME LOVE
♪ MY VOICE IS CLIMBING WALLS SMOKING AND I WANTED LOVE
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ MY JAW'S BEEN BROKEN MY HEART IS WRAPPED IN ICE
♪ MY FANGS HAVE BEEN PULLED
AND I REALLY WANT ♪ TO SEE YOU TONIGHT
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ AND IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE TO ME
♪ HOW THEY CRIED ALL OVER OVERSEAS
♪ WHEN IT'S HOT IN THE POOR PLACES TONIGHT
♪ I'M NOT GOING OUTSIDE ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ THEY CRIED ALL OVER OVERSEAS IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE
♪ TO ME WHEN IT'S HOT
♪ IN THE POOR PLACES TONIGHT ♪ I'M NOT GOING OUTSIDE
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"YANKEE HOTEL FOXTROT" WILL BE RELEASED SEPTEMBER 16TH.
WILCO, EVERYBODY. GOODNIGHT THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE
SHOW. TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST
WILL BE NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON. JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOODNIGHT.