>> IN A JOLT TO HOW WE TRAVEL.
A JUDGE STRUCK DOWN THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION'S MASK MANDATE
FOR PLANES, TRAINS, AND PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION.
BUT FOR MANY PEOPLE ON A PLANE LEARNING THEY CAN FINALLY
DE-MASK,
>> SHUT OFF THAT MUSIC!
GET OFF MY PLANE!
>> IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
MASKING FOR TROUBLE.
AND "RESCUE DOG RESCUE" WITH OSCAR ISAAC.
PLUS, NEIL deGRASSE TYSON
AND COMEDIAN EMMY BLOTNICK FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> HEY, MAN, GOOD TO
SEE YOU!
HEY, LOUIS.
HAPPY TUESDAY!
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
THE.
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
I'M SURE LIKE ALL OF YOU IN HERE AND WATCHING OUT THERE,
I'D ALWAYS HOPED I'D LIVE TO SEE THE END OF THE COVID SAFETY
PRECAUTIONS, WE GET TO BURN OUR MASKS AT A
BONFIRE, AND THEN DO SOMETHING CRAZY LIKE MAKE OUT OR EAT FREE
GROCERY STORE SAMPLES.
BUT TURNS OUT, THAT'S NOT HOW NOT WITH A BANG,
BUT WITH A COURT ORDER.
BECAUSE LAST NIGHT, OUT OF THE BLUE, A FEDERAL JUDGE STRUCK
DOWN THE MASK MANDATE FOR PLANE >> WHICH IS GREAT NEWS FOR
ANYONE WHO RODE PUBLIC TRANSIT AND SAY THIS IS TOO SANITARY
"THIS IS TOO SANITARY."
NO SURPRISE, THE RULING COMES FROM A TAMPA-BASED FEDERAL
JUDGE.
YOU CAN'T LET FLORIDA MAKE HEALTH DECISIONS FOR THE ENTIRE
COUNTRY.
THE FLORIDA--
THIS JUDGE CLAIMED THE LIMITED TO THINGS LIKE CLEANING
PROPERTY, NOT REQUIRING PEOPLE TO TAKE HYGIENIC STEPS.
YES, YOU CANNOT FORCE PEOPLE TO FOLLOW BASIC HYGIENE.
YOU CAN ONLY MAKE THEM CLEAN SURFACES.
"BEFORE RETURNING TO WORK,
EMPLOYEES MUST WASH THIS SIGN."
THE JUDGE--
SURE THE JUDGE CLARIFIED HER RULING,
EXPLAINING, "WEARING A MASK CLEANS NOTHING.
AT MOST, IT TRAPS VIRUS DROPLETS."
THAT'S THE MASK'S JOB, YOU DUMMY!
SO MY DROPLETS DON'T GET ON YOU!
THAT'S LIKE SAYING, THIS DIAPER IS USELESS.
EVERY TIME I PUT ONE ON MY BABY, IT FILLS UP WITH POOP!
THAT'S NOT DOING ANYTHING!
THE GENIUS JURIST BEHIND THIS RULING IS JUDGE KATHRYN MIZELLE,
A 35-YEAR-OLD APPOINTED BY THE FORMER PRESIDENT-- AFTER HE LOST
THE 2020 ELECTION.
AT THE TIME, MIZELLE RECEIVED A "NOT QUALIFIED" RATING FROM THE
AMERICAN BAR ASSOCIATION AND HAD NEVER TRIED A CRIMINAL OR CIVIL
CASE.
YOU DO NOT WANT A JUDGE WITH
"COUNCIL WILL APPROACH THE BENCH AND EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT THIS TINY
WOODEN HAMMER IS FOR.
AM I SUPPOSED TO TENDERIZE THE JURY?"
IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE RULING,
ALL MAJOR AIR CARRIERS, INCLUDING AMERICAN AIRLINES,
UNITED AIRLINES, AND DELTA AIR LINES, RELAXED THE RESTRICTIONS,
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, WHICH THESE PASSENGERS FOUND OUT
MID- >>
IT'S OVER, IMMEDIATELY.
CONGRATULATIONS
>> "CONGRATULATIONS" IS AN ODD WAY TO ANNOUNCE THE
"THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING.
CONGRATS, THE MASK MANDATE HAS BEEN REPEALED.
WHILE WE'RE AT IT, I'VE TURNED OFF THE SEATBELT SIGN, DISABLED
THE LAVATORY SMOKE DETECTOR, AND WE'RE HOSTING KNIFE FIGHTS IN
THE COCKPIT.
CABIN DOOR IS CLOSED AND LOCKED.
THERE IS NO ESCAPE.
LET THE 'HUNGER GAMES' BEGIN.
MAY THE ODDS BE EVER IN YOUR FAVOR."
NOW, LOOK, PEOPLE--
PEOPLE
ALL CELEBRATE AND HAVE-- LOOK, PEOPLE CAN TAKE THIS NEWS
HOWEVER THEY WANT, BUT IT'S UNFAIR FOR PEOPLE WHO MIGHT BE
IMMUNOCOMPROMISED OR FLYING WITH UNVAXXED KIDS TO CHANGE THE
RULES MID-FLIGHT.
THAT'S LIKE BEING TOLD HALFWAY THROUGH THE DINNER PARTY THAT
IT'S AN ORGY.
I WASN'T PREPARED FOR AN ORGY.
I'M ALL FILLED UP ON DINNER ROLLS.
WILL AND I'M WEARING THE WRONG
UNDERWEAR.
ONE IMAGINES YOU'D WEAR
DIFFERENT UNDERWEAR IF YOU...
DELTA UPDATED THEIR WEBSITE TO
SAY MASKS ARE NOW OPTIONAL FOR EMPLOYEES AND CUSTOMERS
FOLLOWING THE WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCEMENT, WHILE SPIRIT
AIRLINES RELEASED THIS COCKTAIL "SPIRIT HAS NEVER VALUED
HUMAN LIFE."
I THE M.T.A. IN NEW YORK CITY
SAID IT WOULD KEEP ITS MASK MANDATE IN PLACE.
SO IF YOU ARE--
YEAH, s YEAH, GOOD FOR THEM.
IF YOU ARE RIDING THE SUBWAY, REMEMBER, MASKS ARE MANDATORY.
PANTS, STILL OPTIONAL.
THE GUY IN THE CORONER IS OBEYING THE
RULES.
THE TIMING OF THIS RULING, I HAVE TO SAY, IS NOT THE BEST.
THANKS TO THE BA.2 SUBVARIANT, NATIONALLY, CASES ARE UP BY OVER
43%.
WITH CASES RISING LIKE THIS, I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD GET OUR
HEALTH REGULATIONS FROM SOME FEDERAL JUDGE.
THAT'S THE JOB OF THE C.D.C.
BUT YOU KNOW WHO DISAGREES WITH ME?
THE C.D.C.
BECAUSE THEY'RE SENDING OUT A NEW MESSAGE ON COVID
IT'S YOUR CALL.
THAT'S NOT HOW PUBLIC SAFETY WORKS.
YOU DON'T SEE SIGNS AT THE POOL THAT SAY, "SHALLOW WATER.
NO DIVING.
OR GO FOR IT MELANIE!" PUBLIC HEALTH OFFICIALS ARE NOW
LEAVING IT UP TO PEOPLE TO ASSESS IF THEY NEED BOOSTER
SHOTS, WHETHER TO WEAR A MASK, AND HOW LONG TO ISOLATE AFTER A
POSITIVE TEST.
NO!
NO, NO, NO!
DON'T LEAVE IT UP TO PEOPLE.
HAVE YOU MET PEOPLE?
WE MAKE TERRIBLE DECISIONS.
YOU KNOW WHO EATS AT THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY?
PEOPLE DO.
THEY SERVE AN APPETIZER THAT IS JUST CHEESEBURGER.
IN INTERNATIONAL NEWS, FRANCE IS SIDENTIALHEADED TOW
ELECTION THAT COULD HAVE HUGE CONSEQUENCES FOR EUROPE.
THE LEADING CANDIDATE IS FRENCH PRESIDENT EMMANUEL
MACRON, SEEN HERE IMPRESSING VOTERS WITH A STORY ABOUT
CATCHING A CIGARETTE THIS BIG.
HE'S RUNNING AGAINST FAR-RIGHT CANDIDATE, AND MOST
SOPHISTICATED WOMAN AT THE NICKEL SLOTS, MARINE LE PEN.
LE PEN IS AN ANTI-IMMIGRANT
EXTREMIST WITH A HISTORY OF PRAISING PUTIN, AND EVEN
RECEIVING FUNDING FROM A RUSSIAN BANK.
MACRON IS RUNNING TO KEEP THE WESTERN ALLIANCE ALIVE, AND WITH
THE STAKES THIS HIGH, HE'S GOT A
POSTING THIRST TRAPS ON INSTA.
ZUT ALORS!
THAT IS NOT A FUR T-SHIRT.
THAT'S HIS CHEST HAIR.
NOT ONLY DOES THE CARPET MATCH THE DRAPES.
IT IS WALL TO WALL, BABY.
THAT IS INDOOR/OUTDOOR.
YOU GET A KICK OUT OF THAT.
IF THIS WORKS, IT WILL SET A NEW STANDARD FOR CAMPAIGNS
EVERYWHERE.
BIDEN'S GOT TO SHOW A LITTLE SOCK GARTER FOR THE MID-TERMS.
BORIS JOHNSON HAS TO GIVE US A PEEK UNDER THE HAYSTACK.
AND JUSTIN TRUDEAU HAS TO SHOW US HIS BUTT.
HE'S NOT UP-- SURE.
HE'S NOT UP FOR REELECTION.
IT WOULD JUST BE A TREAT.
YOU KNOW YOU COULD SNAP A POOL CUE OVER THAT THING.
YOU COULD BOUNCE A 'TWONEY' OFF THAT THING, GET BACK TWO
'LOONEYS.' BABY GOT BACK, BACON, IS WHAT
I'M SAYING.
MACRON'S FULL CHEST BUSH WASN'T THE ONLY THING CATCHING PEOPLE'S
ATTENTION.█ EAGLE-EYED VIEWERS ALSO NOTICED
THAT, IN THE PICTURE, HE HAS TWO CELL PHONES.
THAT'S JUST HOW THEY DO IT IN FRANCE.
YOU GOT YOUR MAIN PHONE AND YOUR MISTRESS PHONE, WHICH IS ON
FRANCE' MENAGE-A-T-ET-T.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS NEIL deGRASSE TYSON, BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, OSCAR
ISAAC IS HERE WITH PUPPIES!
I HOPE HE'S WEARING A VEST TONIGHT.
>> OH, YEAH, HE HAS THOSE COOL VESTS.
>> SOMETIMES HE WEARS IT, SOMETIMES HE DOESN'T.
I HAVE A LOT OF MONEY ON HIM WEARING THE VEST TONIGHT.
I'M ALSO GOING TO TRY TO GET HIM TO ADMIT PLUTO IS A PLANET.
>> I DON'T THINK HE WANTS TO GO THERE.
>> HE MAY NOT WANT TO, BUT I'LL WORK HIM, I'LL WORK
HIM.
FOLKS, PUTIN'S INVASION OF UKRAINE HAS REPEATEDLY TARGETED
CIVILIANS AND CREATED A HUMANITARIAN DISASTER.
BUT THERE'S ONE ORGANIZATION THAT'S BEEN ON THE GROUND
HELPING PEOPLE FROM THE VERY BEGINNING HAS BEEN CHEF JOSE
ANDRES' WORLD CENTRAL KITCHEN.
LOVELY FELLOW.
ANOTHER FRIEND OF THE SHOW.
SO FAR, IN THIS CONFLICT, THEY HAVE SERVED OVER 10.3 MILLION
MEALS, IN MORE THAN 80 UKRAINIAN CITIES AND TOWNS, ALONG WITH
MORE THAN 60 REFUGEE ASSISTANCE CENTERS.
BUT ON SATURDAY, ONE OF HIS CHARITY KITCHENS WAS DESTROYED
BY A MISSILE, WHICH IS HORRIBLE0 >> WE GOT FOUR WOUNDED FRIENDS,
BUT THEY'RE OKAY.
AND TODAY, THEY MOVED THE KITCHEN.
THEY ARE GOING TO BE COOKING TOMORROW IN ANOTHER LOCATION.
YOU SEE, THE GOODNESS ALWAYS SHINES THROUGH.
AND WE ARE GOING TO KEEP COOKING AND FEEDING AS MANY PEOPLE AS WE
CAN, AND WE ONLY DO IT BECAUSE WE HAVE YOUR SUPPORT.
>> THEY'RE GONNA KEEP COOKING.
AND IF YOU'D LIKE TO HELP SUPPORT WORLD CENTRAL KITCHEN DO
THAT IN UKRAINE AND AROUND THE WORLD, VISIT THEIR WEBSITE,
worldcentralkitchen.org.
AND PLEASE TUNE IN TWO WEEKSAT 0 BE CHEF JOSE ANDRES HIMSELF.
CATCH IT.
.
NOW FOLKS -- WONDERFUL+++ GREAT HUMAN BEING.
FOLKS, AS I'M SURE YOU KNOW, I'M A HUGE FAN OF DOGS.
NOT ONLY ARE THEY MAN'S BEST FRIEND.
THEY'RE THE ONLY FRIEND YOU'RE ALLOWED TO PUT ON A LEASH IN
PUBLIC.AT &F &C1 &D0 &Q6 S37=5 0 RESCUE."
WHERE WE HELP FIND HOMES FOR REAL RESCUE PUPPIES.
AND I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT SO FAR WE HAVE A PERFECT RECORD OF
EVERY SINGLE DOG WE'VE FEATURED GETTING ADOPTED!
WHICH IS WHY-- .
WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT, I'MAT &F 0 FOR ANOTHER EDITION OF "RESCUE
DOG RESCUE."
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IF YOU'VE
WATCHED BEFORE, YOU KNOW HOW SHE WORKS.
WE'RE ABOUT TO SHOW YOU SOME ADORABLE PUPPIES THAT ARE
ACTUALLY UP FOR ADOPTION THROUGH NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE
AMERICA.
AND TO MAKE SURE THESE DOGS FIND A FOREVER HOME, WE HAVE MADE UP
FLATTERING LIES ABOUT EACH OF THESE PUPPIES TO MAKE YOU WANT
TO ADOPT THEM EVEN MORE.
NOW, IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME CELEBRITY WILLING TO HELP ME.
>> HEY, STEPHEN!
DID I HEAR CELEBRITY?
I DP.
GOOD TO SEE YOU!
>> OSCAR ISAAC!
HOLE YOU COW!
>> HI.
>> MAN, OSCAR, OSCAR, WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING
HERE?AT &F &C1 &D0 &Q6 S37=5 N00 RESCUE DOG.
>> WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
>> WELL, IT'S ABOUT A GROUP OF PUPPIES THAT FORM AN N.H.L.
TEAM.
IT'S CALLED "STANLEY PUP."
>> REALLY?
>> NO, NO, I'M JUST PRACTICING LYING ABOUT DOGS!
>> OH, WOW, YOU ARE GOOD, SO GOOD.
>> YOU ARE GOOD.
LET'S GET THESE PUPPIES ADOPTED!
FIRST UP, THIS IS STERLING.
STERLING HAS MEMORIZED ALL THE BATHROOM CODES FOR EVERY
STARBUCKS IN THE COUNTRY.
ADOPT HIM AND SAY GOOD-BYE TO ALL THOSE AWKWARD LOOKS FROM THE
BARISTA WHEN YOU RUSH IN AND DON'T BUY ANYTHING.
>> GREAT.
OKAY, THIS LITTLE ONE, THIS IS ALMA.
THAT MEANS SOUL IN SPANISH.
SHE IS A CHAMPION MARATHON RUNNER.
EVEN BETTER, SHE'S AGREED TO ATTACH YOUR FITBIT TO HER COLLAR
SO NOW ALL THOSE STEPS CAN BE YOURS.
ALMA!
>> THIS IS BABS.
YOU KNOW THAT THING WHEN YOU ORDER A MILKSHAKE AND THEY BRING
OUT AN EXTRA PORTION IN A METAL CUP?
THAT WAS HER IDEA!
>> GOOD JOB, BABES.
>> OH, HEY!
THIS IS GOOSE.
HEY, GOOSE!
LOOK AT GOOSE.
GOOSE WAS ONE OF MY CO-STARS IN THE MOVIE "DUNE."
YEAH, SHE PLAYED THE MOST
TIMOTHEE CHALAMET'S SOFT, FLUFFY HAIR.
>> HARD TO WRANGLE.
>> IT'S REALLY HARD TO WRANGLE.
>> THIS IS CHANTAL.
WHILE YOU'RE SLEEPING, CHANTAL GOES TO YOUR COMPUTER AND
UNSUBSCRIBES FROM ALL THE SPAM E-MAILS CLOGGING YOUR
INBOX.
HELLO!
SO IN THE MORNING, THE ONLY "SPECIAL OFFER" WAITING FOR
YOU IS A SNUGGLE-- AND PROBABLY BONER PILLS.
.
>> YOU'RE GOING TO NEED THOSE.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> THIS LITTLE BITCH RIGHT HERE IS MAGGIE.
SHE IS A HUGE "STAR WARS" FAN WHO GOES TO ALL THE CONVENTIONS
AND ONE TIME EVEN GOT TO MEETAT0 TELL YOU WHAT HAN SOLO'S BUTT
SMELLS LIKE.
.
>> OH, WOW.
THIS IS DRINKLES.
HE CLEANS UP AT THE CRAPS TABLE, BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO CLEAN UP
THE CRAPS FLOOR.
WELL, THAT DOES IT-- THAT DOES IT FOR "RESCUE DOG
RESCUE"!
HEAD TO THE LATE SHOW'S WEBSITE, colbertlateshow.com FOR HOW TO
ADOPT THESE DOGS FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA.
AND HEAD TO DISNEY+ TO SEE OSCAR ISAAC IN "MOON KNIGHT."
OSCAR ISAAC, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
WILL WE?
WE WILL.
FOLKS. MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AMERICA'S
FAVORITE ASTROPHYSICIST AND THE DIRECTOR OF THE HAYDEN
PLANETARIUM AT THE MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," NEIL deGRASSE TYSON.
ALWAYS A PLEASURE. NEIL, GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>>ING WITH, THANK YOU! OVER THERE ON THE BAND, TOO.
>> OH, COME ON. GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND.
I WAS SHAKING EVERYTHING
BACKSTAGE. I JUST COULDN'T STOP MOVING
BECAUSE THE SOUND MOVES THROUGH THE WALLS.
I'M WITH YOU ON THAT. >> AND HOW DOES SOUND
WORK, NEIL? >> IT'S A MEDIUM THROUGH WHICH
TO TRAVEL. >> THANK YOU VERY
MUCH. >> WHICH MEANS IN SPACE MOST
"STAR WARS" MOVIES WOULD BE SILENT.
>> WOW. >> BECAUSE AN EXPLOSION --
>> NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU JAZZ.
>> CORRECT. NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM OR
EXPLODE. >> LISTEN, YOU'RE MR. .
EVERYONE IS GOING TO SPACE THESE DAYS.
WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN YET? WHY HAVEN'T YOU GONE UP WITH
ELON OR BRANSON OR-- >> BEZOS.
>> YEAH. >> BEZOS AND BRANSON, I'M AN
ASTROPHYSICIST. SO WE ASK, "HOW HIGH UP DID THEY
GO?" ASK ME THAT.
>> HOW HIGH UP DID THEY GO?
>> REMEMBER YOUR SCHOOL ROOM GLOBE IN THE BACK.
>> I DO. >> HOW HIGH ABOVE A SCHOOL ROOM
GLOBE, THE THICKNESS OF TWO DIMES IS HOW HIGH UP THEY WENT.
>> 100 KILOMETERS, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
>> AT MOST! >> I'M ON YOUR SIDE,
MAN. YEAR IN THIS TOGETHER.
I'M JUST ASKING QUESTIONS, AND YOU'RE GIVING ANSWERS.
NO ONE'S ATTACKING YOU. >> AT MOST.
SO PEOPLE SAY, "OH, I CAN SEE NO BORDERS WILL OF THE COUNTRIES."
THAT'S TRUE FROM AN AIRPLANE, TOO.
RIGHT.
>> THAT'S TRUE. >> GENERALLY.
>> SO YOU'RE NOT IMPRESSED?
>> IT'S BETTER THAN NOT DOING THAT.
IF BILLIONAIRES ARE GOING TO COMPETE AT SOMETHING LET IT BE
THAT AND NOT HOW BIG YOUR YACHT IS.
I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT. BUT AS AN ASTROPHYSICIST --
>> YOU HAVEN'T BEEN INVITED ON ONE OF THOSE YACHTS.
>> ORIGINALLY, I SAID I'M NOT GOING UP UNTIL ONE OF THEM SENDS
THEIR MOTHER AND BRING HER BACK SAFE.
BUT THEN THEY SENT WILLIAM SHATNER, WHO IS 90, SO THAT
COUNTS. THAT COUNTS.
YOU SEND UP WILLIAM SHATNER AND BRING HIM BACK SPACE, THAT
COUNTS. >> SOME SAY THEY WENT
TO SPACE. DID THEY GO TO SPACE?
>> AN AN ASTROPHYSICIST SPACE IS MOON, MARS, AND BEYOND, RATHER
THAN GOING BOLDLY WHERE OTHERS HAVE GONE BEFORE.
>> YOU'RE SAYING ORBIT IS NOT SPACE.
. >> WHERE IS THAT?
>> JUST THE WAY YOU SAID THAT. >> WHERE IS THAT.
>> "WHERE IS THAT?" CARMEN LINE IS THE PLACE AS YOU
ASCEND OUR ATMOSPHERE, WHERE THERE'S NOT ENOUGH AIR MOLECULES
ABOVE YOU TO SCATTER SUNLIEPT AND TURN THE SKY BLUE.
SO YOU GO UP IN A PERFECTLY BLUE DAYTIME SKY, AND THE BLUE SLOWLY
DISAPPEARS, AND THEN THE STARS COME OUT, IN BROAD DAYLIGHT,
ALONG WITH THE SUN. THAT'S THE CARMEN LINE.
>> HOW HIGH IS THAT? >> THAT'S ABOUT 100 KILOMETERS.
>> I SAID THAT. >> YOU DID SAY THAT.
BUT I'M SAYING WHY SHOULD THE DEFINITION OF SPACE BE LIMITED
TO EARTH,'S ATMOSPHERE. IF EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE WAS HALF
AS THICK, IT WOULD BE 50 KILOMETERS.
IF WE DIDN'T HAVE AN ATMOSPHERE, WOULD WE ALL BE IN SPACE NOW?
BY THAT DEFINITION, THE ANSWER WOULD BE YES, SO THAT'S NOT MY
>> NEIL, I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO BREAK IT TO YOU, BUT WE ARE IN SPACE RIGHT NOW.
>> THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. >> DIJUST BLOW YOUR
MIND, NEIL? >> WE ALL ARE ABOARD SPACESHIP
EARTH. >> THAT'S EXACTLY
RIGHT. >> THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME I
WAS RIGHT ON THAT. THANK YOU.
>> YOU'RE WELCOME. I KNOW YOU LOVE HEARING IT.
>> WHAT?
>> I THINK THAT'S YOUR RING TONE, "NEIL, YOU'RE
RIGHT. NEIL, YOU'RE RIGHT."
WE HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK, BUT WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, AND I WILL
ASK NEIL WHAT HIS FAVORITE QUESTION ABOUT THE UNIVERSE IS.
. HERE HERE WITH THE
HERE HERE WITH THE AUTHOR OF "WELCOME TO THE UNIVERSE IN 3D,"
NEIL deGRASSE TYSON. THE JET PROPULSION LABORATORY
WANTED TO SEND A MESSAGE OUT TO THE UNIVERSE TO TELL EXTRA
3D," NEIL deGRASSE TYSON.
THE JET PROPULSION LABORATORY WANTED TO SEND A MESSAGE OUT TO
THE UNIVERSE TO TELL EXTRA TERRESTRIALS WHERE WE ARE AND A
MAP OF OUR GENOME. ARE YOU IN FAVOR OF THIS?
>> IN THE OLD DAYS I WOULD HAVE BEEN, BUT I THOUGHT ABOUT THAT,
AND YOU WOULDN'T GIVE YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS TO A STRANGER IN THE
STREET WHO IS YOUR OWN SPECIES. AND NOW WE'RE GOING TO GIVE THE
RETURN ADDRESS TO EARTH FOR ALIENS.
I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
I'M JUST -- >> IS IT POSSIBLE FOR
US TO HIDE, THOUGH? >> OH, YEAH.
SO THAT SHIP HAS SAILED, BECAUSE EVER SINCE THE BEGINNING OF
TELEVISION, TELEVISION WAVES GO TO YOUR TV WITH-- REMEMBER THE
RABBIT EARS-- BUT THEY ALSO WENT OUT INTO SPACE.
SO THERE IS A RADIO BUBBLE EXPANDING AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT
THAT CONTAINS OUR ENTIRE CULTURE EMBEDDED IN WHAT TV SHOWS PEOPLE
WATCHED FOR THE PAST 50 YEARS. >> SO THE ALIENS ARE
GOING TO THINK WE HAVE TALKING HORSES.
MY MOTHER THE CAR.
>> YES, YES, YES. ALL OF THAT, THEY WILL DECODE
WHO AND WHAT WE ARE. >> WOW.
>> THROUGH THOSE SIGNALS. >> BUT THEY'LL THINK
WE HAVE LASERS AND PROTON TORPEDOES, TOO, SO THEY MIGHT
LEAVE US ALONE. >> I'M PRETTY SURE BASED ON THE
REST OF THE DATA THEY WILL CONCLUDE THERE IS NO SIGN OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE ON EARTH.
WAY-- HOW BIG WOULD THAT BUBBLE BE?
>> ABOUT 80 LIGHT YEARS, GOING AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT.
>> 160 THEN, RIGHT? >> THAT'S THE DIAMETER, CORRECT.
>> SURE, SURE. >> THAT'S ALREADY WASHED OR
EXOPLANETS WE KNOW EXIST IN THAT BUBBLE.
>> I HEARD RECENTLY, PROX NACENTURI, HAS A PLANET
AROUND IT-- IT'S A RED DWARF? MY APOLOGIES.
A RED DWARF, AND IT HAS PLANETS TARND THAT MIGHT BE IN THE
GOLDILOCKS ZONE. THERE MIGHT BE LIQUID WATER
POSSIBLE THERE. >> IN OUR SEARCH FOR EXOPLANET,
WHICH IS RISING THROUGH 5,000-- BY THE WAY, ANYONE IN THE
AUDIENCE BORN SINCE 1995. QUICKLY RAISE YOUR HAND.
OKAY, GOOD. SO I NOW KNIGHT YOU ALL
GENERATION EXOPLANET. BECAUSE THAT WAS THE YEAR THE
FIRST EXOPLANET WAS DISCOVERED, 1995.
BEFORE THEN, WE KNEW OF NO PLANETS IN THE UNIVERSE OUTSIDE
OF OUR EIGHT. >> AND NOW THOUSANDS,
RIGHT? >> WE JUST PASSED 5,000 JUST A
COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO. SO AMONG THOSE, SOME OF THEM
HAVE MULTIPLE PLANET SYSTEMS. AND WE HAVE MULTIPLE PLANETS,
YOU CAN CHECK IS ONE OF THEM IN THE GOLDILOCKS ZONE OR NOT?
IF YOU'RE THERE, YOU CAN SUSTAIN LIQUID WATER.
IF YOU CENTER A RANKING OF WHICH PLANETS YOU WANT TO CHECK FIRST
FOR LIFE, LIFE AS WE KNOW IT, THOSE YOU GO FIRST.
>> YOU SAID WE SHOULD LEARN TO LOVE THE QUESTIONS
RATHER THAN FOCUS ON THE ANSWER. WHAT QUESTION DO YOU PRESENTLY
LOVE THE MOST? >> I WONDER IF THE HUMAN
INTELLECT IS SUFFICIENT TO ANSWER THE QUESTIONS WE HAVE
POSED, OR EVEN MORE SO, ARE WE SMART ENOUGH TO EVEN KNOW WHAT
NEXT QUESTIONS TO ASK? I LOSE SLEEP ON THAT.
SO MY QUESTION IS THE QUESTION ABOUT WHETHER WE EVEN KNOW WHAT
QUESTION TO ASK. AND-- AND-- AND THAT'S NOT SO
WEIRD BECAUSE IMAGINE-- HAVE YOU EVER HAD A CONVERSATION WITH A
CHIMP? IT'S GENERALLY, NO, YOU CAN'T.
YOU SAY, A SHIPMENT OF BANANAS 30
TOMORROW AFTERNOON. THEY DON'30 IS.
THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TOMORROW IS.
YOUR SIMPLEST SENTENCE GOES UNRECOGNIZED BY THEM.
WE HAVE 99% D.N.A. IN COMMON. IMAGINE SOME OTHER SPECIES 1%
BEYOND US THAT WE ARE BEYOND THE CHIMP, WHAT WOULD WE LOOK LIKE
TO THEM? THEIR SIMPLEST SENTENCE WOULD
TRANSCEND OUR CAPACITY TO COMPREHEND.
I LOSE SLEEP OVER THAT. AND IF THAT'S CASE, THERE'S
STUFF IN THE UNIVERSE WE WILL NEVER FIGURE OUT.
AND I WANT TO KNOW WHEN WE HIT THAT WALL, BECAUSE I'LL JUST GO
TO THE BAHAMAS, AND I'LL BE FINE.
>> WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE NEIL deGRASSE
TYSON, EVERYBODY. .
WE'RE HERE WITH OUR FRIEND NEIL deGRASSE TYSON.
YOU HAVE A NEW BOOK HERE. IT'S CALLED "WELCOME TO THE
UNIVERSE IN 3D." IT'S A VISUAL TOUR.
>> IT IS! IT SO IS.
>> FIRST OF ALL, I LOVE BEING WELCOME TOLD
UNIVERSE. IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE PLACES
TO BE. HOW DOES THE 3D WORK?
>> THIS IS IN A SERIES OF BOOKS THAT STARTED WHEN I WAS ON THE
TEACHING FACULTY AT PRINCETON. I HAD TWO FELLOW PROFESSOR, J.
RICHARD GROSS, AND IT WAS REALLY POPULAR, AND PEOPLE WANTED THE
BOOK. WE WROTE A TEXTBOOK, BUT IT WAS
VERY BREEZY BECAUSE WE TAUGHT THE COURSE IN A BREEZY WAY.
I THINK THAT'S WHY IT WAS POPULAR.
WE WROTE A PROBLEM BOOK, AND THEY SAID THAT'S TOO BIG.
YOU CAN MAKE IT LITTLER. WE MADE A POCKETBOOK.
WAIT, NO, THAT'S NOT THE POCKETBOOK.
THIS IS THE POCKETBOOK, OKAY. SO WE DID THAT, THEN PEOPLE SAID
THE UNIVERSE HAS BEAUTIFUL PICTURES IN IT, SO CAN WE SEE
PICTURES? SO WE BROUGHT IN A COAUTHOR WHO
IS TOTALLY INTO... .
TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME. I'VE INTERVIEWED YOU BEFORE.
>> SO THERE ARE PAIRS OF IMAGES IN HERE THAT ARE THREE-- THROUGH
THE -- >> THIS IS A CLOSE-UP
OF A COMET. >> EXACTLY.
YOU LOOK THROUGH THE-- YOU LOOK THROUGH THE --
>> OKAY, RIGHT HERE. >> YOU LOOK THROUGH THE-- OKAY.
>> AND DEFOCUS A LITTLE BIT.
CHECK THAT OUT. >> WHAT HAPPENS IS --
>> OH, AWAY. >> I KNOW THIS LOOKS WEIRD.
>> THAT IS SWEET.
>> THE . IS-- IT'S A VERY SIMPLE I CAN TALK ABOUT THE UNIVERSE
ALL THE TIME. BUT WHEN YOU LOOK AT THESE
IMAGES POP OF THE PLANETS, THE CONSTELLATIONS, OF EARTH,-- EAR-
>> THAT'S MY GIRL RIGHT THERE.
>> AND -- >> THERE'S A LOT OF
WATER THERE, RIGHT? >> UNDERNEATH, YEAH.
.IN FACT, NOOCT OH, SORRY. JUST TODAY, THERE WAS THE PRESS
CONFERENCE FOR THE PLANETARY DECADAL SURVEY THAT ANNOUNCED
THE PRIORITIES AND CELUTUS IS ONE OF THE PRIORITIES.
>> ARE THEY GOING TOO DRILL THROUGH THAT ICE.
>> THEY DON'T HAVE TO, BECAUSE IT HAS ICE GEYSERS SO THE STUFF
UNDERNEATH IS COMING TO YOU. >> I HEARD PLUTO HAS
ICE GEYSERS, TOO. >> DON'T TRY TO GET PLUTO A
PLANET AGAIN. .
ENGAGE. YOU'RE AFRAID TO ENGAGE.
>> I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE TRYING TO GET THERE.
THEY JUST ANNOUNCED THAT. THERE'S A WHOLE NEW SCHEDULE FOR
THAT, FOR PLAN TORE EXPLORATION. WHAT I'M SAYING HERE, THE
PLANETS ARE OBJECTS, YOU CAN LEARN ABOUT THEM, YOU SEE
PICTURES OF THEM, BUT THEY POP IN THIS BOOK.
>> IT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
>> AND, AND-- AND THE WEB SITE-- WELCOMETOTHEUNIVERSE.NET, YOU
CLICK ON THIS THIS, BONUS MATERIAL WHERE I PERSONALLY
NARRATE EACH CAPTION WHILE YOU POLL THE SUBJECT.
>> WHAT'S YOUR NARRATION VOICE?
>> IT'S A PLANETARIUM VOICE. >> CAN I GET A TASTE
OF IT? >> WHERE IS MY MICROPHONE
WELCOME TO THE UNIVERSE.
>> ISAAC HAYS. I DIDN'T REALIZE THE UNIVERSE
WAS SO SEXY. >> NO, NO-- YEAH, WELCOME TO THE
UNIVERSE. SO I READ IN MY PLANETARIUM
DIRECTOR VOICE ALL THE CAPTIONS. AND THE BONUS ON THAT WEB SITE,
WELCOMETOTHEUNIVERSE.NET, WHILE YOU'RE LOOKING AT IT WITH THIS
BOOK IS WHAT I'M SAYING. THE MOON-- I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
KNEW THIS. IT ALWAYS SHOWS THE SAME FACE TO
US. BUT THE MOON DOES A LITTLE JIG.
>> A LITTLE WIGGLE-WOBBLE.
>> WE WAITED FOR IT TO JIG THEL WAY, TOOK THAT IMAGE.
WAITED FOR IT TO JIGGLE THAT WAY, TOOK THAT IMAGE.
MADE THAT YOUR STEREO IMAGE, AND NOW IT'S LIKE, OH, MY GOSH, YOU
JUST WANT TO HUG THE MOON BECAUSE IT'S SO REAL, AND IT
BECOMES A PLACE, RATHER THAN A PICTURE OF AN ORB, IT BECOMES A
PLACE. AND, AND, THE CONSTELLATIONS IN
HERE. PEOPLE LOOK UP AT THE NIGHT SKY,
THERE'S A CONSTELLATION. YOU THINK IT MEANS SOMETHING?
IT DOESN'T MEAN A DAMN THING! THESE ARE RANDOM STARS IN SPACE,
AND WE SHOW YOU THAT IN THIS BOOK!
BECAUSE YOU PUT ON-- YOU PUT IN THE 3 D, AND YOUR FAVORITE
CONSTELLATION THAT YOU THINK IS AFFECTING YOUR LIFE...
THINK THE UNIVERSE GIVES A RAT'S
ASS ABOUT YOUR DAY. WHAT IS THAT EGO?
ANYHOW, YOU PUT ON THE GOGGLES AND THE CONSTELLATIONS POP INTO
3D, AND YOU SEE THE SCARS ARE SCATTERED ACROSS SPACE.
IT'S THE... IT'S THE... >> I THINK THE
UNIVERSE-- I THINK THE UNIVERSE CARES ABOUT YOU.
ABOUT THE UNIVERSE, WELCOME TO
IT OPINION "WELCOME TO THE UNIVERSE IN 3D"
IS AVAILABLE NOW. NEIL deGRASSE TYSON, EVERYBODY
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN EMMY BLOTNICK.
WELCOME BACK! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT
GUEST TONIGHT IS A COMEDIAN AND WRITER WHO HAS WRITTEN FOR, "THE
PRESIDENT SHOW," AND "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN
COLBERT." PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE
SHOW," EMMY BLOTNICK.
IT IS SO NICE TO BE HERE WITH
I HAVE BEEN FEELING REALLY RUSTY AT TALKING TO PEOPLE.
I THINK WE ALL HAVE TO BE REALLY NICE TO EACH OTHER RIGHT NOW,
AND CUT EACH OTHER SLACK IF YOUR CONVERSATION GOES WEIRD BAWRKZ
IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN, YOU KNOW. THE OTHER DAY I SAW A WOMAN
OUTSIDE MY COFFEE SHOP WHO HAD A HAIRLESS CAT ZIPPED UP INTO HER
JACKET. AND SHE WAS JUST KIND OF STARING
DOWN THE COFFEE LINE LIKE, "WHO'S GOING TO ASK ME ABOUT MY
HAIRLESS CAT!" SHE DIDN'T SAY THAT, BUT THAT
WAS THE ENERGY, YOU KNOW. AND I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT, BUT
THE WOMAN BEHIND ME DID. SHE WENT FOR IT.
SHE WENT FOR THE CHITCHAT, AND SHE WAS SO WARM AND FRIENDLY
AND, LIKE, MIDWESTERN. LIKE THE EXACT PERSON NEW YORK
NORMALLY DESTROYS.
KNEW WHAT SHE MEANT TO SAY. IT JUST CAME OUT SLIGHTLY OFF.
SHE SAID, "OH, WOW. IS THAT A SKINLESS CAT?"
SAID, "HE HAS SKIN."
AND I WANTED TO BE LIKE, "JUST LET HER HAVE THIS!
YOU KNOW WHAT SHE MEANT. SHE KNOWS YOUR CAT HAS SKIN
BECAUSE THE WHOLE CAT IS SKIN. IT'S AN ALL-SKIN CAT.
IT'S A VERY SKIN-FORWARD ANIMAL, YOU KNOW.
AND MAYBE SHE SAID 'SKIN' BECAUSE SHE WAS LOOKING AT A LOT
OF IT. HOW DARE YOU MAKE HER FEEL LIKE
THE WEIRD ONE HERE. HOW DO YOU EVEN DO THAT?"
SHE WASN'T BEING WEIRD. SHE WASN'T LIKE, "IS YOUR CAT
ONLY BONES?" SHE WAS JUST TRYING TO CHAT.
I THINK THE RIGHT ANSWER TO THAT IS SOMETHING LIKE, "ACTUALLY,
IT'S A HAIRLESS CAT, BUT THANKS SO MUCH FOR TALKING TO ME.
I'M UTTERLY COMPANIONLESS."
HE'S THE BEST. DOGS ARE ANTIDEPRESSANTS, FOR
SURE. IF YOU HAVE DEPRESSION, A DOG
WILL HELP YOU SO MUCH. AND IF YOU HAVE ANXIETY, A DOG
WON'T HELP YOU AT ALL.
THEY DON'T COME WITH INSTRUCTION MANUALS.
I JUST GOOGLED DOG QUESTIONS IN A PANIC ALL DAY.
I'M STANDING OUTSIDE WALL GREENS GOOGLING, "CAN DOGS GO INSIDE
WALL GREENS? NO?
OKAY. CAN DOGS EAT FRENCH ONION SOUP?
NO? OKAY."
WE WERE IN AN ELEVATOR AFFECT, AND I WAS LIKE, "DOES HE GET
WHAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? WE'RE MOVING, DOES HE GET IT?
IS IT AND SO I GOOGLED, "DO DOCKS UNDERSTAND ELEVATORS?"
AND THE ANSWER IS FUNCTIONALLY, BUT NOT MECHANICALLY.
AND THAT MAKES SENSE, RIGHT? THEY KNOW THAT THEY'RE GOING
SOMEWHERE, BUT THEY CAN'T BUILD YOU ONE.
OH, MAN.
THANK YOU. I'M THINKING ABOUT BUYING
TWITTER. NO.
I GOT MY DOG GROOMED FOR THE
FIRST TIME. I CALLED A MOBILE DOG GROOMING
VAN, BECAUSE I SAW IT IN ONE EPISODE OF QUEER EYE, AND IT'S A
GREAT BUSINESS. THEY ROLL UP TO YOUR HOUSE IN A
VAN AND SHE THE GUY TAKES YOUR DOG INTO THE VAN AND HE
DISAPPEARS FOR ABOUT TWO AND A HALF HOURS.
AND THEY DOORING. THEY CUT HIS HAIR.
THEY TRIMMED HIS NAILS. THEY GOT IN HIS EARS.
THEY GAVE HIM A DEPARTMENTAL CLEANING.
THEY WENT UP HIS BUTT. HE CAME OUT LOOKING SO GOOD,
LIKE, THE BEST HE'S EVER LOOKED IN HIS LIFE.
AND I GOT THE BILL AND IT WAS $250, WHICH IS MORE THAN MY
HAIRCUT, AND YOU CAN TELL.
THERE? WHY WAS THIS SO EXPENSIVE?
I'M LIKE, NO, YOU KNOW IT, THIS MAKES SENSE.
A GUY HAD TO CHAIN MY DOG BY THE NECK TO A SINK IN A VAN AND
FIGHT HIM FOR TWO AND A HALF HOURS.
HE DESERVES HIS MONEY. AND WHY AREN'T PEOPLE GETTING
GROOMED THIS WAY?
IN A VAN. YOU'RE LIKE, REQUEST WHY AM I
GOING TO A HAIRDRESSER IN ONE PLACE AND A DENTIST IN ANOTHER?"
WOULDN'T IT BE AMAZING IF A VAN ROLLED UP TO YOUR HOUSE, A GUY
YOU NEVER MET, PUTS A BAG OVER YOUR HEAD, AND HE DRAGS YOU OUT
TO THE VAN, AND HE HANDCUFFS HIMSELF TO YOU AND YOU TO THE
VAN, AND THEN HE DOES EVERYTHING, RIGHT?
HE CUTS YOUR HAIR, TRIMS YOUR NAILS.
HE GIVES YOU A DENTAL CLEANING AND A COLONOSCOPY, AND A COVID
BOOSTER SHOT, AND A LITTLE TURKEY SAUSAGE, AND HE TELLS YOU
YOU'RE A VERY GOOD BOY, AND YOU COME OUT LOOKING BEST YOU'VE
EVER LOOKED IN YOUR LIFE? I MEAN, WHO'S READY TO START
GROOMING WITH HUMAN GROOMIN'?
>> EMMY BLOTNICK, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, EMMY. YOU CAN CATCH EMMY AT THE
MOONTOWER "JUST FOR LAUGHS" COMEDY FESTIVAL IN AUSTIN,
TEXAS, THIS WEEKEND. EMMY BLOTNICK,
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS
WILL BE ALEXANDER SKARSGAÅRD AND JACK WHITE.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. GOOD NIGHT.