1 00:00:02,001 --> 00:00:03,603 >> IN A JOLT TO HOW WE TRAVEL. 2 00:00:03,670 --> 00:00:06,373 A JUDGE STRUCK DOWN THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION'S MASK MANDATE 3 00:00:06,439 --> 00:00:10,043 FOR PLANES, TRAINS, AND PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION. 4 00:00:10,110 --> 00:00:12,112 BUT FOR MANY PEOPLE ON A PLANE LEARNING THEY CAN FINALLY 5 00:00:12,178 --> 00:00:14,180 DE-MASK, THIS REACTION: ( ♪ "CELEBRATION" ♪ ) 6 00:01:15,775 --> 00:01:20,947 >> SHUT OFF THAT MUSIC! 7 00:01:21,014 --> 00:01:22,248 GET OFF MY PLANE! 8 00:01:25,185 --> 00:01:27,153 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 9 00:01:27,220 --> 00:01:34,294 TONIGHT: MASKING FOR TROUBLE. 10 00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:35,962 AND "RESCUE DOG RESCUE" WITH OSCAR ISAAC. 11 00:01:36,029 --> 00:01:43,136 PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: NEIL deGRASSE TYSON 12 00:01:43,203 --> 00:01:47,207 AND COMEDIAN EMMY BLOTNICK FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY 13 00:01:55,381 --> 00:01:56,950 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 14 00:01:57,016 --> 00:02:03,723 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 15 00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:18,671 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, MAN, GOOD TO 16 00:02:18,738 --> 00:02:21,841 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, MAN, GOOD TO 17 00:02:21,908 --> 00:02:23,810 SEE YOU! 18 00:02:23,877 --> 00:02:24,911 HEY, LOUIS. 19 00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:35,755 HAPPY TUESDAY! 20 00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:37,624 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 21 00:02:37,690 --> 00:02:39,926 PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY. 22 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,794 WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW." 23 00:02:41,861 --> 00:02:44,797 THE. 24 00:02:44,864 --> 00:02:47,934 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 25 00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:52,472 I'M SURE LIKE ALL OF YOU IN HERE AND WATCHING OUT THERE, 26 00:02:52,539 --> 00:02:54,474 I'D ALWAYS HOPED I'D LIVE TO SEE THE END OF THE COVID SAFETY 27 00:02:57,477 --> 00:03:02,549 PRECAUTIONS, WE GET TO BURN OUR MASKS AT A 28 00:03:02,615 --> 00:03:04,817 BONFIRE, AND THEN DO SOMETHING CRAZY LIKE MAKE OUT OR EAT FREE 29 00:03:04,884 --> 00:03:06,052 GROCERY STORE SAMPLES. 30 00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:07,554 BUT TURNS OUT, THAT'S NOT HOW PANDEMICS END: NOT WITH A BANG, 31 00:03:07,620 --> 00:03:08,721 BUT WITH A COURT ORDER. 32 00:03:08,788 --> 00:03:09,889 BECAUSE LAST NIGHT, OUT OF THE BLUE, A FEDERAL JUDGE STRUCK 33 00:03:09,956 --> 00:03:18,498 DOWN THE MASK MANDATE FOR PLANE >> WHICH IS GREAT NEWS FOR 34 00:03:18,565 --> 00:03:22,869 ANYONE WHO RODE PUBLIC TRANSIT AND SAY THIS IS TOO SANITARY 35 00:03:22,936 --> 00:03:24,003 "THIS IS TOO SANITARY." 36 00:03:24,070 --> 00:03:27,941 NO SURPRISE, THE RULING COMES FROM A TAMPA-BASED FEDERAL 37 00:03:28,007 --> 00:03:29,108 JUDGE. 38 00:03:29,175 --> 00:03:31,945 YOU CAN'T LET FLORIDA MAKE HEALTH DECISIONS FOR THE ENTIRE 39 00:03:32,011 --> 00:03:33,179 COUNTRY. 40 00:03:33,246 --> 00:03:47,660 THE FLORIDA-- ( CHEERING ) 41 00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:55,902 THIS JUDGE CLAIMED THE LIMITED TO THINGS LIKE CLEANING 42 00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:59,372 PROPERTY, NOT REQUIRING PEOPLE TO TAKE HYGIENIC STEPS. 43 00:03:59,439 --> 00:04:07,680 YES, YOU CANNOT FORCE PEOPLE TO FOLLOW BASIC HYGIENE. 44 00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:09,082 YOU CAN ONLY MAKE THEM CLEAN SURFACES. 45 00:04:09,148 --> 00:04:11,417 EXPLAINS THE NEW BATHROOM SIGN: "BEFORE RETURNING TO WORK, 46 00:04:11,484 --> 00:04:14,654 EMPLOYEES MUST WASH THIS SIGN." 47 00:04:14,721 --> 00:04:22,862 THE JUDGE-- ( APPLAUSE ) 48 00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:23,997 SURE THE JUDGE CLARIFIED HER RULING, 49 00:04:24,063 --> 00:04:25,598 EXPLAINING, "WEARING A MASK CLEANS NOTHING. 50 00:04:25,665 --> 00:04:31,070 AT MOST, IT TRAPS VIRUS DROPLETS." 51 00:04:31,137 --> 00:04:36,442 THAT'S THE MASK'S JOB, YOU DUMMY! 52 00:04:36,509 --> 00:04:37,377 SO MY DROPLETS DON'T GET ON YOU! 53 00:04:37,443 --> 00:04:38,478 THAT'S LIKE SAYING, THIS DIAPER IS USELESS. 54 00:04:38,544 --> 00:04:43,616 EVERY TIME I PUT ONE ON MY BABY, IT FILLS UP WITH POOP! 55 00:04:43,683 --> 00:04:46,552 THAT'S NOT DOING ANYTHING! 56 00:04:46,619 --> 00:04:49,555 THE GENIUS JURIST BEHIND THIS RULING IS JUDGE KATHRYN MIZELLE, 57 00:04:49,622 --> 00:04:56,396 A 35-YEAR-OLD APPOINTED BY THE FORMER PRESIDENT-- AFTER HE LOST 58 00:04:56,462 --> 00:04:57,964 THE 2020 ELECTION. 59 00:04:58,031 --> 00:05:00,233 AT THE TIME, MIZELLE RECEIVED A "NOT QUALIFIED" RATING FROM THE 60 00:05:00,299 --> 00:05:03,136 AMERICAN BAR ASSOCIATION AND HAD NEVER TRIED A CRIMINAL OR CIVIL 61 00:05:03,202 --> 00:05:05,304 CASE. 62 00:05:05,371 --> 00:05:08,641 YOU DO NOT WANT A JUDGE WITH ZERO CASES UNDER HER BELT: 63 00:05:08,708 --> 00:05:14,914 "COUNCIL WILL APPROACH THE BENCH AND EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT THIS TINY 64 00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:18,351 WOODEN HAMMER IS FOR. 65 00:05:18,418 --> 00:05:20,753 AM I SUPPOSED TO TENDERIZE THE JURY?" 66 00:05:20,820 --> 00:05:29,696 ( LAUGHTER ) IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE RULING, 67 00:05:29,762 --> 00:05:36,035 ALL MAJOR AIR CARRIERS, INCLUDING AMERICAN AIRLINES, 68 00:05:36,102 --> 00:05:37,270 UNITED AIRLINES, AND DELTA AIR LINES, RELAXED THE RESTRICTIONS, 69 00:05:37,336 --> 00:05:38,371 EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, WHICH THESE PASSENGERS FOUND OUT 70 00:05:38,438 --> 00:05:39,238 MID-FLIGHT: >> ( OVER INTERCOM ) 71 00:05:39,305 --> 00:05:42,308 IT'S OVER, IMMEDIATELY. 72 00:05:42,375 --> 00:05:43,476 CONGRATULATIONS ( APPLAUSE ) 73 00:05:43,543 --> 00:05:44,811 >> Stephen: "CONGRATULATIONS" IS AN ODD WAY TO ANNOUNCE THE 74 00:05:44,877 --> 00:05:46,913 LIFTING OF A SAFETY MEASURE: ( AS CAPTAIN ) 75 00:05:46,979 --> 00:05:48,715 "THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING. 76 00:05:48,781 --> 00:05:51,984 CONGRATS, THE MASK MANDATE HAS BEEN REPEALED. 77 00:05:52,051 --> 00:05:55,788 WHILE WE'RE AT IT, I'VE TURNED OFF THE SEATBELT SIGN, DISABLED 78 00:05:55,855 --> 00:05:57,790 THE LAVATORY SMOKE DETECTOR, AND WE'RE HOSTING KNIFE FIGHTS IN 79 00:05:57,857 --> 00:05:58,958 THE COCKPIT. 80 00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:04,764 ( LAUGHTER ) CABIN DOOR IS CLOSED AND LOCKED. 81 00:06:04,831 --> 00:06:05,765 THERE IS NO ESCAPE. 82 00:06:05,832 --> 00:06:06,566 LET THE 'HUNGER GAMES' BEGIN. 83 00:06:06,632 --> 00:06:07,934 MAY THE ODDS BE EVER IN YOUR FAVOR." 84 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:14,006 NOW, LOOK, PEOPLE-- ( APPLAUSE ) 85 00:06:14,073 --> 00:06:16,275 PEOPLE ♪ CELEBRATE 86 00:06:16,342 --> 00:06:20,113 ALL CELEBRATE AND HAVE-- LOOK, PEOPLE CAN TAKE THIS NEWS 87 00:06:20,179 --> 00:06:21,914 HOWEVER THEY WANT, BUT IT'S UNFAIR FOR PEOPLE WHO MIGHT BE 88 00:06:21,981 --> 00:06:25,051 IMMUNOCOMPROMISED OR FLYING WITH UNVAXXED KIDS TO CHANGE THE 89 00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:26,252 RULES MID-FLIGHT. 90 00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:29,288 THAT'S LIKE BEING TOLD HALFWAY THROUGH THE DINNER PARTY THAT 91 00:06:29,355 --> 00:06:30,523 IT'S AN ORGY. 92 00:06:30,590 --> 00:06:33,926 ( LAUGHTER ) I WASN'T PREPARED FOR AN ORGY. 93 00:06:33,993 --> 00:06:36,462 I'M ALL FILLED UP ON DINNER ROLLS. 94 00:06:36,529 --> 00:06:39,165 ( LAUGHTER ) WILL AND I'M WEARING THE WRONG 95 00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:40,099 UNDERWEAR. 96 00:06:40,166 --> 00:06:47,774 ( LAUGHTER ) ONE IMAGINES YOU'D WEAR 97 00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:49,776 DIFFERENT UNDERWEAR IF YOU... 98 00:06:49,842 --> 00:06:53,045 ( APPLAUSE ) DELTA UPDATED THEIR WEBSITE TO 99 00:06:53,112 --> 00:06:54,947 SAY MASKS ARE NOW OPTIONAL FOR EMPLOYEES AND CUSTOMERS 100 00:06:55,014 --> 00:06:58,417 FOLLOWING THE WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCEMENT, WHILE SPIRIT 101 00:06:58,484 --> 00:07:00,887 AIRLINES RELEASED THIS COCKTAIL NAPKIN: "SPIRIT HAS NEVER VALUED 102 00:07:00,953 --> 00:07:02,488 HUMAN LIFE." 103 00:07:02,555 --> 00:07:17,069 ( LAUGHTER ) I THE M.T.A. IN NEW YORK CITY 104 00:07:17,136 --> 00:07:19,305 SAID IT WOULD KEEP ITS MASK MANDATE IN PLACE. 105 00:07:19,372 --> 00:07:22,842 SO IF YOU ARE-- ( APPLAUSE ) 106 00:07:22,909 --> 00:07:27,580 YEAH,s YEAH, GOOD FOR THEM. 107 00:07:27,647 --> 00:07:32,852 IF YOU ARE RIDING THE SUBWAY, REMEMBER, MASKS ARE MANDATORY. 108 00:07:32,919 --> 00:07:37,924 PANTS, STILL OPTIONAL. 109 00:07:37,990 --> 00:07:40,393 THE GUY IN THE CORONER IS OBEYING THE 110 00:07:43,162 --> 00:07:44,263 RULES. 111 00:07:44,330 --> 00:07:45,998 THE TIMING OF THIS RULING, I HAVE TO SAY, IS NOT THE BEST. 112 00:07:46,065 --> 00:07:47,700 THANKS TO THE BA.2 SUBVARIANT, NATIONALLY, CASES ARE UP BY OVER 113 00:07:47,767 --> 00:07:48,901 43%. 114 00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:50,770 WITH CASES RISING LIKE THIS, I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD GET OUR 115 00:07:50,837 --> 00:07:52,939 HEALTH REGULATIONS FROM SOME FEDERAL JUDGE. 116 00:07:53,005 --> 00:07:53,873 THAT'S THE JOB OF THE C.D.C. 117 00:07:53,940 --> 00:07:56,609 BUT YOU KNOW WHO DISAGREES WITH ME? 118 00:07:56,676 --> 00:07:58,945 THE C.D.C. 119 00:07:59,011 --> 00:08:01,747 BECAUSE THEY'RE SENDING OUT A NEW MESSAGE ON COVID 120 00:08:01,814 --> 00:08:03,049 BEHAVIORS: IT'S YOUR CALL. 121 00:08:03,115 --> 00:08:06,285 THAT'S NOT HOW PUBLIC SAFETY WORKS. 122 00:08:06,352 --> 00:08:08,821 YOU DON'T SEE SIGNS AT THE POOL THAT SAY, "SHALLOW WATER. 123 00:08:08,888 --> 00:08:14,760 NO DIVING. 124 00:08:14,827 --> 00:08:21,200 OR GO FOR IT MELANIE!" PUBLIC HEALTH OFFICIALS ARE NOW 125 00:08:21,267 --> 00:08:23,803 LEAVING IT UP TO PEOPLE TO ASSESS IF THEY NEED BOOSTER 126 00:08:23,870 --> 00:08:25,037 SHOTS, WHETHER TO WEAR A MASK, AND HOW LONG TO ISOLATE AFTER A 127 00:08:25,104 --> 00:08:25,371 POSITIVE TEST. 128 00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:26,272 NO! 129 00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:28,274 NO, NO, NO! 130 00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:29,809 DON'T LEAVE IT UP TO PEOPLE. 131 00:08:29,876 --> 00:08:31,310 HAVE YOU MET PEOPLE? 132 00:08:31,377 --> 00:08:36,749 ( LAUGHTER ) WE MAKE TERRIBLE DECISIONS. 133 00:08:36,816 --> 00:08:38,851 YOU KNOW WHO EATS AT THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY? 134 00:08:38,918 --> 00:08:41,187 PEOPLE DO. 135 00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:45,892 THEY SERVE AN APPETIZER THAT IS JUST CHEESEBURGER. 136 00:08:45,958 --> 00:08:52,732 IN INTERNATIONAL NEWS, FRANCE IS SIDENTIALHEADED TOW 137 00:08:52,798 --> 00:08:54,133 ELECTION THAT COULD HAVE HUGE CONSEQUENCES FOR EUROPE. 138 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:55,801 THE LEADING CANDIDATE IS FRENCH PRESIDENT EMMANUEL 139 00:08:55,868 --> 00:08:57,737 MACRON, SEEN HERE IMPRESSING VOTERS WITH A STORY ABOUT 140 00:08:57,803 --> 00:09:00,039 CATCHING A CIGARETTE THIS BIG. 141 00:09:00,106 --> 00:09:02,708 HE'S RUNNING AGAINST FAR-RIGHT CANDIDATE, AND MOST 142 00:09:02,775 --> 00:09:06,512 SOPHISTICATED WOMAN AT THE NICKEL SLOTS, MARINE LE PEN. 143 00:09:06,579 --> 00:09:10,082 ( LAUGHTER ) LE PEN IS AN ANTI-IMMIGRANT 144 00:09:10,149 --> 00:09:12,952 EXTREMIST WITH A HISTORY OF PRAISING PUTIN, AND EVEN 145 00:09:13,019 --> 00:09:19,959 RECEIVING FUNDING FROM A RUSSIAN BANK. 146 00:09:20,026 --> 00:09:22,461 MACRON IS RUNNING TO KEEP THE WESTERN ALLIANCE ALIVE, AND WITH 147 00:09:22,528 --> 00:09:24,597 THE STAKES THIS HIGH, HE'S GOT A BOLD NEW CAMPAIGN STRATEGY: 148 00:09:24,664 --> 00:09:26,666 POSTING THIRST TRAPS ON INSTA. 149 00:09:26,732 --> 00:09:35,207 ZUT ALORS! 150 00:09:35,274 --> 00:09:36,309 THAT IS NOT A FUR T-SHIRT. 151 00:09:36,375 --> 00:09:37,209 THAT'S HIS CHEST HAIR. 152 00:09:37,276 --> 00:09:39,445 NOT ONLY DOES THE CARPET MATCH THE DRAPES. 153 00:09:39,512 --> 00:09:41,847 IT IS WALL TO WALL, BABY. 154 00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:45,618 THAT IS INDOOR/OUTDOOR. 155 00:09:45,685 --> 00:09:50,756 YOU GET A KICK OUT OF THAT. 156 00:09:50,823 --> 00:09:52,525 IF THIS WORKS, IT WILL SET A NEW STANDARD FOR CAMPAIGNS 157 00:09:52,591 --> 00:09:53,693 EVERYWHERE. 158 00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:56,228 BIDEN'S GOT TO SHOW A LITTLE SOCK GARTER FOR THE MID-TERMS. 159 00:09:56,295 --> 00:09:59,799 BORIS JOHNSON HAS TO GIVE US A PEEK UNDER THE HAYSTACK. 160 00:09:59,865 --> 00:10:03,936 AND JUSTIN TRUDEAU HAS TO SHOW US HIS BUTT. 161 00:10:04,003 --> 00:10:09,875 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE'S NOT UP-- SURE. 162 00:10:09,942 --> 00:10:11,444 HE'S NOT UP FOR REELECTION. 163 00:10:11,510 --> 00:10:13,646 IT WOULD JUST BE A TREAT. 164 00:10:13,713 --> 00:10:24,023 YOU KNOW YOU COULD SNAP A POOL CUE OVER THAT THING. 165 00:10:24,090 --> 00:10:25,858 YOU COULD BOUNCE A 'TWONEY' OFF THAT THING, GET BACK TWO 166 00:10:25,925 --> 00:10:29,929 'LOONEYS.' BABY GOT BACK, BACON, IS WHAT 167 00:10:29,996 --> 00:10:31,197 I'M SAYING. 168 00:10:31,263 --> 00:10:32,765 MACRON'S FULL CHEST BUSH WASN'T THE ONLY THING CATCHING PEOPLE'S 169 00:10:32,832 --> 00:10:34,734 ATTENTION.█ EAGLE-EYED VIEWERS ALSO NOTICED 170 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:39,939 THAT, IN THE PICTURE, HE HAS TWO CELL PHONES. 171 00:10:40,006 --> 00:10:42,641 THAT'S JUST HOW THEY DO IT IN FRANCE. 172 00:10:42,708 --> 00:10:44,343 YOU GOT YOUR MAIN PHONE AND YOUR MISTRESS PHONE, WHICH IS ON 173 00:10:44,410 --> 00:10:56,155 FRANCE'S TOP CELLULAR NETWORK: MENAGE-A-T-ET-T. 174 00:10:56,222 --> 00:10:57,556 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 175 00:10:57,623 --> 00:11:00,793 MY GUEST IS NEIL deGRASSE TYSON, BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, OSCAR 176 00:11:00,860 --> 00:11:02,862 ISAAC IS HERE WITH PUPPIES! 177 00:12:13,999 --> 00:12:16,602 I HOPE HE'S WEARING A VEST TONIGHT. 178 00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:17,736 >> Jon: OH, YEAH, HE HAS THOSE COOL VESTS. 179 00:12:17,803 --> 00:12:20,172 >> Stephen: SOMETIMES HE WEARS IT, SOMETIMES HE DOESN'T. 180 00:12:20,239 --> 00:12:22,842 I HAVE A LOT OF MONEY ON HIM WEARING THE VEST TONIGHT. 181 00:12:22,908 --> 00:12:27,446 I'M ALSO GOING TO TRY TO GET HIM TO ADMIT PLUTO IS A PLANET. 182 00:12:27,513 --> 00:12:29,081 >> Jon: I DON'T THINK HE WANTS TO GO THERE. 183 00:12:29,148 --> 00:12:32,585 >> Stephen: HE MAY NOT WANT TO, BUT I'LL WORK HIM, I'LL WORK 184 00:12:32,651 --> 00:12:36,422 HIM. 185 00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:38,557 FOLKS, PUTIN'S INVASION OF UKRAINE HAS REPEATEDLY TARGETED 186 00:12:38,624 --> 00:12:43,963 CIVILIANS AND CREATED A HUMANITARIAN DISASTER. 187 00:12:44,029 --> 00:12:50,102 BUT THERE'S ONE ORGANIZATION THAT'S BEEN ON THE GROUND 188 00:12:50,169 --> 00:12:51,737 HELPING PEOPLE FROM THE VERY BEGINNING HAS BEEN CHEF JOSE 189 00:12:51,804 --> 00:12:54,206 ANDRES' WORLD CENTRAL KITCHEN. 190 00:12:54,273 --> 00:12:55,708 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LOVELY FELLOW. 191 00:12:55,774 --> 00:12:56,909 ANOTHER FRIEND OF THE SHOW. 192 00:12:56,976 --> 00:13:02,214 SO FAR, IN THIS CONFLICT, THEY HAVE SERVED OVER 10.3 MILLION 193 00:13:02,281 --> 00:13:06,919 MEALS, IN MORE THAN 80 UKRAINIAN CITIES AND TOWNS, ALONG WITH 194 00:13:06,986 --> 00:13:08,754 MORE THAN 60 REFUGEE ASSISTANCE CENTERS. 195 00:13:08,821 --> 00:13:11,390 BUT ON SATURDAY, ONE OF HIS CHARITY KITCHENS WAS DESTROYED 196 00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:18,998 BY A MISSILE, WHICH IS HORRIBLE0 >> WE GOT FOUR WOUNDED FRIENDS, 197 00:13:19,064 --> 00:13:19,865 BUT THEY'RE OKAY. 198 00:13:19,932 --> 00:13:22,268 AND TODAY, THEY MOVED THE KITCHEN. 199 00:13:22,334 --> 00:13:25,971 THEY ARE GOING TO BE COOKING TOMORROW IN ANOTHER LOCATION. 200 00:13:26,038 --> 00:13:29,542 YOU SEE, THE GOODNESS ALWAYS SHINES THROUGH. 201 00:13:29,608 --> 00:13:32,411 AND WE ARE GOING TO KEEP COOKING AND FEEDING AS MANY PEOPLE AS WE 202 00:13:32,478 --> 00:13:33,646 CAN, AND WE ONLY DO IT BECAUSE WE HAVE YOUR SUPPORT. 203 00:13:33,712 --> 00:13:41,253 >> Stephen: THEY'RE GONNA KEEP COOKING. 204 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:43,289 AND IF YOU'D LIKE TO HELP SUPPORT WORLD CENTRAL KITCHEN DO 205 00:13:43,355 --> 00:13:44,657 THAT IN UKRAINE AND AROUND THE WORLD, VISIT THEIR WEBSITE, 206 00:13:44,723 --> 00:13:45,858 worldcentralkitchen.org. 207 00:13:45,925 --> 00:13:51,830 AND PLEASE TUNE IN TWO WEEKSAT 0 BE CHEF JOSE ANDRES HIMSELF. 208 00:13:51,897 --> 00:13:52,398 CATCH IT. 209 00:13:52,464 --> 00:13:57,770 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 210 00:13:57,836 --> 00:14:06,245 NOW FOLKS -- WONDERFUL+++ GREAT HUMAN BEING. 211 00:14:06,312 --> 00:14:07,613 FOLKS, AS I'M SURE YOU KNOW, I'M A HUGE FAN OF DOGS. 212 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:08,781 NOT ONLY ARE THEY MAN'S BEST FRIEND. 213 00:14:08,847 --> 00:14:10,382 THEY'RE THE ONLY FRIEND YOU'RE ALLOWED TO PUT ON A LEASH IN 214 00:14:10,449 --> 00:14:14,787 PUBLIC.AT &F &C1 &D0 &Q6 S37=5 0 RESCUE." 215 00:14:14,853 --> 00:14:18,924 WHERE WE HELP FIND HOMES FOR REAL RESCUE PUPPIES. 216 00:14:18,991 --> 00:14:21,660 AND I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT SO FAR WE HAVE A PERFECT RECORD OF 217 00:14:21,727 --> 00:14:24,763 EVERY SINGLE DOG WE'VE FEATURED GETTING ADOPTED! 218 00:14:24,830 --> 00:14:27,766 WHICH IS WHY-- ( APPLAUSE ). 219 00:14:27,833 --> 00:14:33,439 WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT, I'MAT &F 0 FOR ANOTHER EDITION OF "RESCUE 220 00:14:33,505 --> 00:14:34,373 DOG RESCUE." 221 00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:39,745 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 222 00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:44,149 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IF YOU'VE 223 00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:48,887 WATCHED BEFORE, YOU KNOW HOW SHE WORKS. 224 00:14:48,954 --> 00:14:50,589 WE'RE ABOUT TO SHOW YOU SOME ADORABLE PUPPIES THAT ARE 225 00:14:50,656 --> 00:14:51,924 ACTUALLY UP FOR ADOPTION THROUGH NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE 226 00:14:51,991 --> 00:14:53,192 AMERICA. 227 00:14:53,259 --> 00:14:58,030 AND TO MAKE SURE THESE DOGS FIND A FOREVER HOME, WE HAVE MADE UP 228 00:14:58,097 --> 00:15:04,336 FLATTERING LIES ABOUT EACH OF THESE PUPPIES TO MAKE YOU WANT 229 00:15:04,403 --> 00:15:05,504 TO ADOPT THEM EVEN MORE. 230 00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:06,639 NOW, IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME CELEBRITY WILLING TO HELP ME. 231 00:15:06,705 --> 00:15:08,440 >> HEY, STEPHEN! 232 00:15:08,507 --> 00:15:12,478 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DID I HEAR CELEBRITY? 233 00:15:12,544 --> 00:15:14,880 I DP. 234 00:15:14,947 --> 00:15:16,715 GOOD TO SEE YOU! 235 00:15:16,782 --> 00:15:19,785 >> Stephen: OSCAR ISAAC! 236 00:15:19,852 --> 00:15:20,653 HOLE YOU COW! 237 00:15:20,719 --> 00:15:22,087 >> HI. 238 00:15:22,154 --> 00:15:26,992 >> Stephen: MAN, OSCAR, OSCAR, WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING 239 00:15:27,059 --> 00:15:30,296 HERE?AT &F &C1 &D0 &Q6 S37=5 N00 RESCUE DOG. 240 00:15:30,362 --> 00:15:31,830 >> Stephen: WHAT'S IT ABOUT? 241 00:15:31,897 --> 00:15:35,834 >> WELL, IT'S ABOUT A GROUP OF PUPPIES THAT FORM AN N.H.L. 242 00:15:35,901 --> 00:15:36,602 TEAM. 243 00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:37,603 IT'S CALLED "STANLEY PUP." 244 00:15:37,670 --> 00:15:41,640 >> Stephen: REALLY? 245 00:15:41,707 --> 00:15:43,876 >> NO, NO, I'M JUST PRACTICING LYING ABOUT DOGS! 246 00:15:43,942 --> 00:15:50,282 >> Stephen: OH, WOW, YOU ARE GOOD, SO GOOD. 247 00:15:50,349 --> 00:15:51,216 >> Stephen: YOU ARE GOOD. 248 00:15:51,283 --> 00:15:54,386 LET'S GET THESE PUPPIES ADOPTED! 249 00:15:54,453 --> 00:15:59,258 FIRST UP, THIS IS STERLING. 250 00:15:59,325 --> 00:16:00,959 STERLING HAS MEMORIZED ALL THE BATHROOM CODES FOR EVERY 251 00:16:01,026 --> 00:16:06,231 STARBUCKS IN THE COUNTRY. 252 00:16:06,298 --> 00:16:09,368 ADOPT HIM AND SAY GOOD-BYE TO ALL THOSE AWKWARD LOOKS FROM THE 253 00:16:09,435 --> 00:16:14,740 BARISTA WHEN YOU RUSH IN AND DON'T BUY ANYTHING. 254 00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:17,609 >> GREAT. 255 00:16:17,676 --> 00:16:22,314 OKAY, THIS LITTLE ONE, THIS IS ALMA. 256 00:16:22,381 --> 00:16:24,316 THAT MEANS SOUL IN SPANISH. 257 00:16:24,383 --> 00:16:25,517 SHE IS A CHAMPION MARATHON RUNNER. 258 00:16:25,584 --> 00:16:29,355 EVEN BETTER, SHE'S AGREED TO ATTACH YOUR FITBIT TO HER COLLAR 259 00:16:29,421 --> 00:16:32,424 SO NOW ALL THOSE STEPS CAN BE YOURS. 260 00:16:32,491 --> 00:16:40,366 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 261 00:16:40,432 --> 00:16:41,600 ALMA! 262 00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:44,336 >> Stephen: THIS IS BABS. 263 00:16:44,403 --> 00:16:47,773 YOU KNOW THAT THING WHEN YOU ORDER A MILKSHAKE AND THEY BRING 264 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,942 OUT AN EXTRA PORTION IN A METAL CUP? 265 00:16:50,008 --> 00:16:52,611 THAT WAS HER IDEA! 266 00:16:52,678 --> 00:16:58,050 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> GOOD JOB, BABES. 267 00:16:58,117 --> 00:17:00,519 >> OH, HEY! 268 00:17:00,586 --> 00:17:02,921 THIS IS GOOSE. 269 00:17:02,988 --> 00:17:03,555 HEY, GOOSE! 270 00:17:03,622 --> 00:17:05,023 LOOK AT GOOSE. 271 00:17:05,090 --> 00:17:09,962 GOOSE WAS ONE OF MY CO-STARS IN THE MOVIE "DUNE." 272 00:17:10,028 --> 00:17:11,997 YEAH, SHE PLAYED THE MOST CHALLENGING ROLE OF ALL: 273 00:17:12,064 --> 00:17:15,701 TIMOTHEE CHALAMET'S SOFT, FLUFFY HAIR. 274 00:17:15,768 --> 00:17:17,870 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 275 00:17:17,936 --> 00:17:19,505 >> Stephen: HARD TO WRANGLE. 276 00:17:19,571 --> 00:17:21,573 >> IT'S REALLY HARD TO WRANGLE. 277 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:26,912 >> Stephen: THIS IS CHANTAL. 278 00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:31,950 WHILE YOU'RE SLEEPING, CHANTAL GOES TO YOUR COMPUTER AND 279 00:17:32,017 --> 00:17:33,652 UNSUBSCRIBES FROM ALL THE SPAM E-MAILS CLOGGING YOUR 280 00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:35,320 INBOX. 281 00:17:35,387 --> 00:17:39,358 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HELLO! 282 00:17:39,425 --> 00:17:40,492 HELLO! 283 00:17:40,559 --> 00:17:42,928 SO IN THE MORNING, THE ONLY "SPECIAL OFFER" WAITING FOR 284 00:17:42,995 --> 00:17:45,664 YOU IS A SNUGGLE-- AND PROBABLY BONER PILLS. 285 00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:47,299 ( LAUGHTER ). 286 00:17:47,366 --> 00:17:49,802 >> YOU'RE GOING TO NEED THOSE. 287 00:17:49,868 --> 00:17:51,303 >> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH. 288 00:17:51,370 --> 00:17:58,710 >> THIS LITTLE BITCH RIGHT HERE IS MAGGIE. 289 00:17:58,777 --> 00:17:59,945 SHE IS A HUGE "STAR WARS" FAN WHO GOES TO ALL THE CONVENTIONS 290 00:18:00,012 --> 00:18:03,315 AND ONE TIME EVEN GOT TO MEETAT0 TELL YOU WHAT HAN SOLO'S BUTT 291 00:18:03,382 --> 00:18:05,417 SMELLS LIKE. 292 00:18:05,484 --> 00:18:05,918 ( LAUGHTER ). 293 00:18:05,984 --> 00:18:11,290 >> Stephen: OH, WOW. 294 00:18:11,356 --> 00:18:15,294 THIS IS DRINKLES. 295 00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:19,298 HE CLEANS UP AT THE CRAPS TABLE, BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO CLEAN UP 296 00:18:19,364 --> 00:18:27,306 THE CRAPS FLOOR. 297 00:18:27,372 --> 00:18:29,675 WELL, THAT DOES IT-- THAT DOES IT FOR "RESCUE DOG 298 00:18:29,741 --> 00:18:30,909 RESCUE"! 299 00:18:30,976 --> 00:18:32,044 HEAD TO THE LATE SHOW'S WEBSITE, colbertlateshow.com FOR HOW TO 300 00:18:32,110 --> 00:18:35,314 ADOPT THESE DOGS FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA. 301 00:18:35,380 --> 00:18:39,351 AND HEAD TO DISNEY+ TO SEE OSCAR ISAAC IN "MOON KNIGHT." 302 00:18:39,418 --> 00:18:43,288 OSCAR ISAAC, EVERYBODY! 303 00:18:43,355 --> 00:18:49,027 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 304 00:18:49,094 --> 00:18:51,063 WILL WE? 305 00:18:51,129 --> 00:18:51,330 WE WILL. 306 00:19:19,958 --> 00:19:23,896 FOLKS. MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AMERICA'S 307 00:19:23,962 --> 00:19:25,497 FAVORITE ASTROPHYSICIST AND THE DIRECTOR OF THE HAYDEN 308 00:19:25,564 --> 00:19:29,902 PLANETARIUM AT THE MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY. 309 00:19:29,968 --> 00:19:31,970 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," NEIL deGRASSE TYSON. 310 00:19:52,157 --> 00:19:56,995 ALWAYS A PLEASURE. NEIL, GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 311 00:19:57,062 --> 00:20:00,999 >>ING WITH, THANK YOU! OVER THERE ON THE BAND, TOO. 312 00:20:01,066 --> 00:20:03,802 >> Stephen: OH, COME ON. GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND. 313 00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:10,742 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WAS SHAKING EVERYTHING 314 00:20:10,809 --> 00:20:12,578 BACKSTAGE. I JUST COULDN'T STOP MOVING 315 00:20:12,644 --> 00:20:14,713 BECAUSE THE SOUND MOVES THROUGH THE WALLS. 316 00:20:14,780 --> 00:20:17,316 I'M WITH YOU ON THAT. >> Stephen: AND HOW DOES SOUND 317 00:20:17,382 --> 00:20:20,018 WORK, NEIL? >> IT'S A MEDIUM THROUGH WHICH 318 00:20:20,085 --> 00:20:20,819 TO TRAVEL. >> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY 319 00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:22,487 MUCH. >> WHICH MEANS IN SPACE MOST 320 00:20:22,554 --> 00:20:24,923 "STAR WARS" MOVIES WOULD BE SILENT. 321 00:20:24,990 --> 00:20:27,326 >> Stephen: WOW. >> BECAUSE AN EXPLOSION -- 322 00:20:27,392 --> 00:20:29,595 >> Stephen: NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU JAZZ. 323 00:20:29,661 --> 00:20:33,231 >> CORRECT. NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM OR 324 00:20:33,298 --> 00:20:37,135 EXPLODE. >> Stephen: LISTEN, YOU'RE MR. . 325 00:20:37,202 --> 00:20:39,638 EVERYONE IS GOING TO SPACE THESE DAYS. 326 00:20:39,705 --> 00:20:43,408 WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN YET? WHY HAVEN'T YOU GONE UP WITH 327 00:20:43,475 --> 00:20:45,544 ELON OR BRANSON OR-- >> BEZOS. 328 00:20:45,611 --> 00:20:49,014 >> Stephen: YEAH. >> BEZOS AND BRANSON, I'M AN 329 00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:51,450 ASTROPHYSICIST. SO WE ASK, "HOW HIGH UP DID THEY 330 00:20:51,516 --> 00:20:53,452 GO?" ASK ME THAT. 331 00:20:53,518 --> 00:20:55,454 >> Stephen: HOW HIGH UP DID THEY GO? 332 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:57,389 >> REMEMBER YOUR SCHOOL ROOM GLOBE IN THE BACK. 333 00:20:57,456 --> 00:21:02,194 >> Stephen: I DO. >> HOW HIGH ABOVE A SCHOOL ROOM 334 00:21:02,260 --> 00:21:05,030 GLOBE, THE THICKNESS OF TWO DIMES IS HOW HIGH UP THEY WENT. 335 00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:08,800 >> Stephen: 100 KILOMETERS, SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 336 00:21:08,867 --> 00:21:11,269 >> AT MOST! >> Stephen: I'M ON YOUR SIDE, 337 00:21:11,336 --> 00:21:12,838 MAN. YEAR IN THIS TOGETHER. 338 00:21:12,904 --> 00:21:15,207 I'M JUST ASKING QUESTIONS, AND YOU'RE GIVING ANSWERS. 339 00:21:15,273 --> 00:21:18,577 NO ONE'S ATTACKING YOU. >> AT MOST. 340 00:21:18,644 --> 00:21:23,548 SO PEOPLE SAY, "OH, I CAN SEE NO BORDERS WILL OF THE COUNTRIES." 341 00:21:23,615 --> 00:21:25,217 THAT'S TRUE FROM AN AIRPLANE, TOO. 342 00:21:25,283 --> 00:21:27,285 RIGHT. ( LAUGHTER ) 343 00:21:27,352 --> 00:21:28,820 >> Stephen: THAT'S TRUE. >> GENERALLY. 344 00:21:28,887 --> 00:21:30,822 >> Stephen: SO YOU'RE NOT IMPRESSED? 345 00:21:30,889 --> 00:21:33,225 >> IT'S BETTER THAN NOT DOING THAT. 346 00:21:33,291 --> 00:21:36,294 IF BILLIONAIRES ARE GOING TO COMPETE AT SOMETHING LET IT BE 347 00:21:36,361 --> 00:21:39,398 THAT AND NOT HOW BIG YOUR YACHT IS. 348 00:21:39,464 --> 00:21:44,336 I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT. BUT AS AN ASTROPHYSICIST -- 349 00:21:44,403 --> 00:21:47,272 >> Stephen: YOU HAVEN'T BEEN INVITED ON ONE OF THOSE YACHTS. 350 00:21:47,339 --> 00:21:49,841 >> ORIGINALLY, I SAID I'M NOT GOING UP UNTIL ONE OF THEM SENDS 351 00:21:49,908 --> 00:21:52,511 THEIR MOTHER AND BRING HER BACK SAFE. 352 00:21:52,577 --> 00:21:57,015 BUT THEN THEY SENT WILLIAM SHATNER, WHO IS 90, SO THAT 353 00:21:57,082 --> 00:21:59,351 COUNTS. THAT COUNTS. 354 00:21:59,418 --> 00:22:03,288 YOU SEND UP WILLIAM SHATNER AND BRING HIM BACK SPACE, THAT 355 00:22:03,355 --> 00:22:05,424 COUNTS. >> Stephen: SOME SAY THEY WENT 356 00:22:05,490 --> 00:22:07,726 TO SPACE. DID THEY GO TO SPACE? 357 00:22:07,793 --> 00:22:09,928 >> AN AN ASTROPHYSICIST SPACE IS MOON, MARS, AND BEYOND, RATHER 358 00:22:09,995 --> 00:22:12,998 THAN GOING BOLDLY WHERE OTHERS HAVE GONE BEFORE. 359 00:22:13,065 --> 00:22:15,734 >> Stephen: YOU'RE SAYING ORBIT IS NOT SPACE. 360 00:22:15,801 --> 00:22:21,640 ( APPLAUSE ). >> Stephen: WHERE IS THAT? 361 00:22:21,707 --> 00:22:23,842 >> JUST THE WAY YOU SAID THAT. >> Stephen: WHERE IS THAT. 362 00:22:23,909 --> 00:22:26,611 >> "WHERE IS THAT?" CARMEN LINE IS THE PLACE AS YOU 363 00:22:26,678 --> 00:22:30,382 ASCEND OUR ATMOSPHERE, WHERE THERE'S NOT ENOUGH AIR MOLECULES 364 00:22:30,449 --> 00:22:33,618 ABOVE YOU TO SCATTER SUNLIEPT AND TURN THE SKY BLUE. 365 00:22:33,685 --> 00:22:38,623 SO YOU GO UP IN A PERFECTLY BLUE DAYTIME SKY, AND THE BLUE SLOWLY 366 00:22:38,690 --> 00:22:42,327 DISAPPEARS, AND THEN THE STARS COME OUT, IN BROAD DAYLIGHT, 367 00:22:42,394 --> 00:22:44,796 ALONG WITH THE SUN. THAT'S THE CARMEN LINE. 368 00:22:44,863 --> 00:22:48,734 >> Stephen: HOW HIGH IS THAT? >> THAT'S ABOUT 100 KILOMETERS. 369 00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:50,502 >> Stephen: I SAID THAT. >> YOU DID SAY THAT. 370 00:22:50,569 --> 00:22:54,339 BUT I'M SAYING WHY SHOULD THE DEFINITION OF SPACE BE LIMITED 371 00:22:54,406 --> 00:22:58,376 TO EARTH,'S ATMOSPHERE. IF EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE WAS HALF 372 00:22:58,443 --> 00:23:00,679 AS THICK, IT WOULD BE 50 KILOMETERS. 373 00:23:00,746 --> 00:23:05,217 IF WE DIDN'T HAVE AN ATMOSPHERE, WOULD WE ALL BE IN SPACE NOW? 374 00:23:05,283 --> 00:23:10,122 BY THAT DEFINITION, THE ANSWER WOULD BE YES, SO THAT'S NOT MY 375 00:23:10,188 --> 00:23:11,256 -- >> Stephen: NEIL, I DON'T KNOW 376 00:23:11,323 --> 00:23:13,658 HOW TO BREAK IT TO YOU, BUT WE ARE IN SPACE RIGHT NOW. 377 00:23:13,725 --> 00:23:17,963 >> THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. >> Stephen: DIJUST BLOW YOUR 378 00:23:18,029 --> 00:23:22,367 MIND, NEIL? >> WE ALL ARE ABOARD SPACESHIP 379 00:23:22,434 --> 00:23:23,201 EARTH. >> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY 380 00:23:23,268 --> 00:23:24,069 RIGHT. >> THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME I 381 00:23:24,136 --> 00:23:25,737 WAS RIGHT ON THAT. THANK YOU. 382 00:23:25,804 --> 00:23:28,173 >> Stephen: YOU'RE WELCOME. I KNOW YOU LOVE HEARING IT. 383 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:31,009 ( LAUGHTER ) >> WHAT? 384 00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:34,212 >> Stephen: I THINK THAT'S YOUR RING TONE, "NEIL, YOU'RE 385 00:23:34,279 --> 00:23:35,447 RIGHT. NEIL, YOU'RE RIGHT." 386 00:23:35,514 --> 00:23:38,383 WE HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK, BUT WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, AND I WILL 387 00:23:38,450 --> 00:23:40,452 ASK NEIL WHAT HIS FAVORITE QUESTION ABOUT THE UNIVERSE IS. 388 00:23:54,032 --> 00:23:55,200 ( APPLAUSE ). HERE HERE WITH THE 389 00:23:55,267 --> 00:23:56,234 HERE HERE WITH THE AUTHOR OF "WELCOME TO THE UNIVERSE IN 3D," 390 00:23:56,301 --> 00:23:57,435 NEIL deGRASSE TYSON. THE JET PROPULSION LABORATORY 391 00:23:57,502 --> 00:23:58,970 WANTED TO SEND A MESSAGE OUT TO THE UNIVERSE TO TELL EXTRA 392 00:23:59,037 --> 00:24:02,340 3D," NEIL deGRASSE TYSON. 393 00:24:02,407 --> 00:24:05,010 THE JET PROPULSION LABORATORY WANTED TO SEND A MESSAGE OUT TO 394 00:24:05,076 --> 00:24:08,647 THE UNIVERSE TO TELL EXTRA TERRESTRIALS WHERE WE ARE AND A 395 00:24:08,713 --> 00:24:11,016 MAP OF OUR GENOME. ARE YOU IN FAVOR OF THIS? 396 00:24:11,082 --> 00:24:15,020 >> IN THE OLD DAYS I WOULD HAVE BEEN, BUT I THOUGHT ABOUT THAT, 397 00:24:15,086 --> 00:24:20,325 AND YOU WOULDN'T GIVE YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS TO A STRANGER IN THE 398 00:24:20,392 --> 00:24:24,830 STREET WHO IS YOUR OWN SPECIES. AND NOW WE'RE GOING TO GIVE THE 399 00:24:24,896 --> 00:24:28,533 RETURN ADDRESS TO EARTH FOR ALIENS. 400 00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:30,235 I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. 401 00:24:30,302 --> 00:24:32,037 I'M JUST -- >> Stephen: IS IT POSSIBLE FOR 402 00:24:32,103 --> 00:24:35,240 US TO HIDE, THOUGH? >> OH, YEAH. 403 00:24:35,307 --> 00:24:38,443 SO THAT SHIP HAS SAILED, BECAUSE EVER SINCE THE BEGINNING OF 404 00:24:38,510 --> 00:24:42,314 TELEVISION, TELEVISION WAVES GO TO YOUR TV WITH-- REMEMBER THE 405 00:24:42,380 --> 00:24:44,850 RABBIT EARS-- BUT THEY ALSO WENT OUT INTO SPACE. 406 00:24:44,916 --> 00:24:48,153 SO THERE IS A RADIO BUBBLE EXPANDING AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT 407 00:24:48,220 --> 00:24:52,457 THAT CONTAINS OUR ENTIRE CULTURE EMBEDDED IN WHAT TV SHOWS PEOPLE 408 00:24:52,524 --> 00:24:55,560 WATCHED FOR THE PAST 50 YEARS. >> Stephen: SO THE ALIENS ARE 409 00:24:55,627 --> 00:24:58,396 GOING TO THINK WE HAVE TALKING HORSES. 410 00:24:58,463 --> 00:25:02,000 ( LAUGHTER ) MY MOTHER THE CAR. 411 00:25:02,067 --> 00:25:05,303 >> YES, YES, YES. ALL OF THAT, THEY WILL DECODE 412 00:25:05,370 --> 00:25:06,805 WHO AND WHAT WE ARE. >> Stephen: WOW. 413 00:25:06,872 --> 00:25:09,875 >> THROUGH THOSE SIGNALS. >> Stephen: BUT THEY'LL THINK 414 00:25:09,941 --> 00:25:14,079 WE HAVE LASERS AND PROTON TORPEDOES, TOO, SO THEY MIGHT 415 00:25:14,145 --> 00:25:16,281 LEAVE US ALONE. >> I'M PRETTY SURE BASED ON THE 416 00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:18,717 REST OF THE DATA THEY WILL CONCLUDE THERE IS NO SIGN OF 417 00:25:18,783 --> 00:25:24,322 INTELLIGENT LIFE ON EARTH. ( APPLAUSE ) 418 00:25:24,389 --> 00:25:28,560 WAY-- HOW BIG WOULD THAT BUBBLE BE? 419 00:25:28,627 --> 00:25:31,429 >> ABOUT 80 LIGHT YEARS, GOING AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT. 420 00:25:31,496 --> 00:25:35,901 >> Stephen: 160 THEN, RIGHT? >> THAT'S THE DIAMETER, CORRECT. 421 00:25:35,967 --> 00:25:40,071 >> Stephen: SURE, SURE. >> THAT'S ALREADY WASHED OR 422 00:25:40,138 --> 00:25:41,740 EXOPLANETS WE KNOW EXIST IN THAT BUBBLE. 423 00:25:41,806 --> 00:25:48,580 >> Stephen: I HEARD RECENTLY, PROX NACENTURI, HAS A PLANET 424 00:25:48,647 --> 00:25:52,817 AROUND IT-- IT'S A RED DWARF? MY APOLOGIES. 425 00:25:52,884 --> 00:25:58,390 A RED DWARF, AND IT HAS PLANETS TARND THAT MIGHT BE IN THE 426 00:25:58,456 --> 00:26:00,492 GOLDILOCKS ZONE. THERE MIGHT BE LIQUID WATER 427 00:26:00,558 --> 00:26:03,561 POSSIBLE THERE. >> IN OUR SEARCH FOR EXOPLANET, 428 00:26:03,628 --> 00:26:06,665 WHICH IS RISING THROUGH 5,000-- BY THE WAY, ANYONE IN THE 429 00:26:06,731 --> 00:26:09,100 AUDIENCE BORN SINCE 1995. QUICKLY RAISE YOUR HAND. 430 00:26:09,167 --> 00:26:12,971 OKAY, GOOD. SO I NOW KNIGHT YOU ALL 431 00:26:13,038 --> 00:26:15,640 GENERATION EXOPLANET. BECAUSE THAT WAS THE YEAR THE 432 00:26:15,707 --> 00:26:18,410 FIRST EXOPLANET WAS DISCOVERED, 1995. 433 00:26:18,476 --> 00:26:21,746 BEFORE THEN, WE KNEW OF NO PLANETS IN THE UNIVERSE OUTSIDE 434 00:26:21,813 --> 00:26:28,153 OF OUR EIGHT. >> Stephen: AND NOW THOUSANDS, 435 00:26:28,219 --> 00:26:30,121 RIGHT? >> WE JUST PASSED 5,000 JUST A 436 00:26:30,188 --> 00:26:32,624 COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO. SO AMONG THOSE, SOME OF THEM 437 00:26:32,691 --> 00:26:35,860 HAVE MULTIPLE PLANET SYSTEMS. AND WE HAVE MULTIPLE PLANETS, 438 00:26:35,927 --> 00:26:41,933 YOU CAN CHECK IS ONE OF THEM IN THE GOLDILOCKS ZONE OR NOT? 439 00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:44,703 IF YOU'RE THERE, YOU CAN SUSTAIN LIQUID WATER. 440 00:26:44,769 --> 00:26:49,374 IF YOU CENTER A RANKING OF WHICH PLANETS YOU WANT TO CHECK FIRST 441 00:26:49,441 --> 00:26:53,078 FOR LIFE, LIFE AS WE KNOW IT, THOSE YOU GO FIRST. 442 00:26:53,144 --> 00:26:54,346 >> Stephen: YOU SAID WE SHOULD LEARN TO LOVE THE QUESTIONS 443 00:26:54,412 --> 00:26:56,648 RATHER THAN FOCUS ON THE ANSWER. WHAT QUESTION DO YOU PRESENTLY 444 00:26:56,715 --> 00:26:59,517 LOVE THE MOST? >> I WONDER IF THE HUMAN 445 00:26:59,584 --> 00:27:07,359 INTELLECT IS SUFFICIENT TO ANSWER THE QUESTIONS WE HAVE 446 00:27:07,425 --> 00:27:11,563 POSED, OR EVEN MORE SO, ARE WE SMART ENOUGH TO EVEN KNOW WHAT 447 00:27:11,629 --> 00:27:16,267 NEXT QUESTIONS TO ASK? I LOSE SLEEP ON THAT. 448 00:27:16,334 --> 00:27:20,805 SO MY QUESTION IS THE QUESTION ABOUT WHETHER WE EVEN KNOW WHAT 449 00:27:20,872 --> 00:27:26,077 QUESTION TO ASK. AND-- AND-- AND THAT'S NOT SO 450 00:27:26,144 --> 00:27:28,513 WEIRD BECAUSE IMAGINE-- HAVE YOU EVER HAD A CONVERSATION WITH A 451 00:27:28,580 --> 00:27:30,281 CHIMP? IT'S GENERALLY, NO, YOU CAN'T. 452 00:27:30,348 --> 00:27:34,486 YOU SAY, A SHIPMENT OF BANANAS ARE COMING IN AT FOUR:30 453 00:27:34,552 --> 00:27:36,955 TOMORROW AFTERNOON. THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT 4:30 IS. 454 00:27:37,022 --> 00:27:39,557 THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TOMORROW IS. 455 00:27:39,624 --> 00:27:43,194 YOUR SIMPLEST SENTENCE GOES UNRECOGNIZED BY THEM. 456 00:27:43,261 --> 00:27:48,833 WE HAVE 99% D.N.A. IN COMMON. IMAGINE SOME OTHER SPECIES 1% 457 00:27:48,900 --> 00:27:51,369 BEYOND US THAT WE ARE BEYOND THE CHIMP, WHAT WOULD WE LOOK LIKE 458 00:27:51,436 --> 00:27:54,372 TO THEM? THEIR SIMPLEST SENTENCE WOULD 459 00:27:54,439 --> 00:27:56,775 TRANSCEND OUR CAPACITY TO COMPREHEND. 460 00:27:56,841 --> 00:27:59,644 I LOSE SLEEP OVER THAT. AND IF THAT'S CASE, THERE'S 461 00:27:59,711 --> 00:28:03,882 STUFF IN THE UNIVERSE WE WILL NEVER FIGURE OUT. 462 00:28:03,948 --> 00:28:07,452 AND I WANT TO KNOW WHEN WE HIT THAT WALL, BECAUSE I'LL JUST GO 463 00:28:07,519 --> 00:28:09,821 TO THE BAHAMAS, AND I'LL BE FINE. 464 00:28:09,888 --> 00:28:11,489 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK. 465 00:28:11,556 --> 00:28:14,025 STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE NEIL deGRASSE 466 00:28:14,092 --> 00:28:16,094 TYSON, EVERYBODY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 467 00:28:27,972 --> 00:28:31,643 WE'RE HERE WITH OUR FRIEND NEIL deGRASSE TYSON. 468 00:28:31,709 --> 00:28:35,480 YOU HAVE A NEW BOOK HERE. IT'S CALLED "WELCOME TO THE 469 00:28:35,547 --> 00:28:37,582 UNIVERSE IN 3D." IT'S A VISUAL TOUR. 470 00:28:37,649 --> 00:28:40,819 >> IT IS! IT SO IS. 471 00:28:40,885 --> 00:28:43,354 >> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, I LOVE BEING WELCOME TOLD 472 00:28:43,421 --> 00:28:44,756 UNIVERSE. IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE PLACES 473 00:28:44,823 --> 00:28:49,494 TO BE. HOW DOES THE 3D WORK? 474 00:28:49,561 --> 00:28:52,764 >> THIS IS IN A SERIES OF BOOKS THAT STARTED WHEN I WAS ON THE 475 00:28:52,831 --> 00:28:59,037 TEACHING FACULTY AT PRINCETON. I HAD TWO FELLOW PROFESSOR, J. 476 00:28:59,104 --> 00:29:03,775 RICHARD GROSS, AND IT WAS REALLY POPULAR, AND PEOPLE WANTED THE 477 00:29:03,842 --> 00:29:05,543 BOOK. WE WROTE A TEXTBOOK, BUT IT WAS 478 00:29:05,610 --> 00:29:09,347 VERY BREEZY BECAUSE WE TAUGHT THE COURSE IN A BREEZY WAY. 479 00:29:09,414 --> 00:29:11,116 I THINK THAT'S WHY IT WAS POPULAR. 480 00:29:11,182 --> 00:29:14,452 WE WROTE A PROBLEM BOOK, AND THEY SAID THAT'S TOO BIG. 481 00:29:14,519 --> 00:29:17,655 YOU CAN MAKE IT LITTLER. WE MADE A POCKETBOOK. 482 00:29:17,722 --> 00:29:20,158 WAIT, NO, THAT'S NOT THE POCKETBOOK. 483 00:29:20,225 --> 00:29:23,628 THIS IS THE POCKETBOOK, OKAY. SO WE DID THAT, THEN PEOPLE SAID 484 00:29:23,695 --> 00:29:27,732 THE UNIVERSE HAS BEAUTIFUL PICTURES IN IT, SO CAN WE SEE 485 00:29:27,799 --> 00:29:29,868 PICTURES? SO WE BROUGHT IN A COAUTHOR WHO 486 00:29:29,934 --> 00:29:32,637 IS TOTALLY INTO... ( LAUGHTER ). 487 00:29:32,704 --> 00:29:36,374 TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME. I'VE INTERVIEWED YOU BEFORE. 488 00:29:36,441 --> 00:29:41,880 >> SO THERE ARE PAIRS OF IMAGES IN HERE THAT ARE THREE-- THROUGH 489 00:29:41,946 --> 00:29:43,081 THE -- >> Stephen: THIS IS A CLOSE-UP 490 00:29:43,148 --> 00:29:44,649 OF A COMET. >> EXACTLY. 491 00:29:44,716 --> 00:29:47,352 YOU LOOK THROUGH THE-- YOU LOOK THROUGH THE -- 492 00:29:47,418 --> 00:29:50,755 >> Stephen: OKAY, RIGHT HERE. >> YOU LOOK THROUGH THE-- OKAY. 493 00:29:50,822 --> 00:29:53,191 >> Stephen: AND DEFOCUS A LITTLE BIT. 494 00:29:53,258 --> 00:29:54,893 CHECK THAT OUT. >> WHAT HAPPENS IS -- 495 00:29:54,959 --> 00:29:59,430 >> Stephen: OH, AWAY. >> I KNOW THIS LOOKS WEIRD. 496 00:29:59,497 --> 00:30:08,740 >> Stephen: THAT IS SWEET. ( APPLAUSE ) 497 00:30:08,806 --> 00:30:12,177 >> THE . IS-- IT'S A VERY SIMPLE I CAN TALK ABOUT THE UNIVERSE 498 00:30:12,243 --> 00:30:14,946 ALL THE TIME. BUT WHEN YOU LOOK AT THESE 499 00:30:15,013 --> 00:30:19,517 IMAGES POP OF THE PLANETS, THE CONSTELLATIONS, OF EARTH,-- EAR- 500 00:30:19,584 --> 00:30:22,287 >> Stephen: THAT'S MY GIRL RIGHT THERE. 501 00:30:22,353 --> 00:30:24,822 >> AND -- >> Stephen: THERE'S A LOT OF 502 00:30:24,889 --> 00:30:27,125 WATER THERE, RIGHT? >> UNDERNEATH, YEAH. 503 00:30:27,192 --> 00:30:33,498 .IN FACT, NOOCT OH, SORRY. JUST TODAY, THERE WAS THE PRESS 504 00:30:33,565 --> 00:30:38,803 CONFERENCE FOR THE PLANETARY DECADAL SURVEY THAT ANNOUNCED 505 00:30:38,870 --> 00:30:42,807 THE PRIORITIES AND CELUTUS IS ONE OF THE PRIORITIES. 506 00:30:42,874 --> 00:30:45,410 >> Stephen: ARE THEY GOING TOO DRILL THROUGH THAT ICE. 507 00:30:45,476 --> 00:30:49,314 >> THEY DON'T HAVE TO, BECAUSE IT HAS ICE GEYSERS SO THE STUFF 508 00:30:49,380 --> 00:30:51,983 UNDERNEATH IS COMING TO YOU. >> Stephen: I HEARD PLUTO HAS 509 00:30:52,050 --> 00:30:55,220 ICE GEYSERS, TOO. >> DON'T TRY TO GET PLUTO A 510 00:30:55,286 --> 00:30:56,888 PLANET AGAIN. ( LAUGHTER ). 511 00:30:56,955 --> 00:31:01,492 ENGAGE. YOU'RE AFRAID TO ENGAGE. 512 00:31:01,559 --> 00:31:03,628 >> I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE TRYING TO GET THERE. 513 00:31:03,695 --> 00:31:06,731 THEY JUST ANNOUNCED THAT. THERE'S A WHOLE NEW SCHEDULE FOR 514 00:31:06,798 --> 00:31:11,569 THAT, FOR PLAN TORE EXPLORATION. WHAT I'M SAYING HERE, THE 515 00:31:11,636 --> 00:31:15,006 PLANETS ARE OBJECTS, YOU CAN LEARN ABOUT THEM, YOU SEE 516 00:31:15,073 --> 00:31:17,275 PICTURES OF THEM, BUT THEY POP IN THIS BOOK. 517 00:31:17,342 --> 00:31:18,710 >> Stephen: IT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL. 518 00:31:18,776 --> 00:31:28,386 >> AND, AND-- AND THE WEB SITE-- WELCOMETOTHEUNIVERSE.NET, YOU 519 00:31:28,453 --> 00:31:32,423 CLICK ON THIS THIS, BONUS MATERIAL WHERE I PERSONALLY 520 00:31:32,490 --> 00:31:35,793 NARRATE EACH CAPTION WHILE YOU POLL THE SUBJECT. 521 00:31:35,860 --> 00:31:38,563 >> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR NARRATION VOICE? 522 00:31:38,630 --> 00:31:41,566 >> IT'S A PLANETARIUM VOICE. >> Stephen: CAN I GET A TASTE 523 00:31:41,633 --> 00:31:45,103 OF IT? >> WHERE IS MY MICROPHONE 524 00:31:45,169 --> 00:31:49,707 ( IN A DEEP VOICE ) WELCOME TO THE UNIVERSE. 525 00:31:49,774 --> 00:31:53,411 >> Stephen: ISAAC HAYS. I DIDN'T REALIZE THE UNIVERSE 526 00:31:53,478 --> 00:31:56,848 WAS SO SEXY. >> NO, NO-- YEAH, WELCOME TO THE 527 00:31:56,914 --> 00:32:00,051 UNIVERSE. SO I READ IN MY PLANETARIUM 528 00:32:00,118 --> 00:32:07,125 DIRECTOR VOICE ALL THE CAPTIONS. AND THE BONUS ON THAT WEB SITE, 529 00:32:07,191 --> 00:32:08,960 WELCOMETOTHEUNIVERSE.NET, WHILE YOU'RE LOOKING AT IT WITH THIS 530 00:32:09,027 --> 00:32:12,063 BOOK IS WHAT I'M SAYING. THE MOON-- I DON'T KNOW IF YOU 531 00:32:12,130 --> 00:32:14,499 KNEW THIS. IT ALWAYS SHOWS THE SAME FACE TO 532 00:32:14,565 --> 00:32:17,101 US. BUT THE MOON DOES A LITTLE JIG. 533 00:32:17,168 --> 00:32:21,806 >> Stephen: A LITTLE WIGGLE-WOBBLE. 534 00:32:21,873 --> 00:32:25,243 >> WE WAITED FOR IT TO JIG THEL WAY, TOOK THAT IMAGE. 535 00:32:25,310 --> 00:32:29,080 WAITED FOR IT TO JIGGLE THAT WAY, TOOK THAT IMAGE. 536 00:32:29,147 --> 00:32:32,850 MADE THAT YOUR STEREO IMAGE, AND NOW IT'S LIKE, OH, MY GOSH, YOU 537 00:32:32,917 --> 00:32:35,620 JUST WANT TO HUG THE MOON BECAUSE IT'S SO REAL, AND IT 538 00:32:35,687 --> 00:32:40,258 BECOMES A PLACE, RATHER THAN A PICTURE OF AN ORB, IT BECOMES A 539 00:32:40,325 --> 00:32:42,560 PLACE. AND, AND, THE CONSTELLATIONS IN 540 00:32:42,627 --> 00:32:45,096 HERE. PEOPLE LOOK UP AT THE NIGHT SKY, 541 00:32:45,163 --> 00:32:48,066 THERE'S A CONSTELLATION. YOU THINK IT MEANS SOMETHING? 542 00:32:48,132 --> 00:32:51,336 IT DOESN'T MEAN A DAMN THING! THESE ARE RANDOM STARS IN SPACE, 543 00:32:51,402 --> 00:32:53,004 AND WE SHOW YOU THAT IN THIS BOOK! 544 00:32:53,071 --> 00:32:57,275 BECAUSE YOU PUT ON-- YOU PUT IN THE 3 D, AND YOUR FAVORITE 545 00:32:57,342 --> 00:33:01,212 CONSTELLATION THAT YOU THINK IS AFFECTING YOUR LIFE... 546 00:33:01,279 --> 00:33:10,788 ( APPLAUSE ) THINK THE UNIVERSE GIVES A RAT'S 547 00:33:10,855 --> 00:33:14,759 ASS ABOUT YOUR DAY. WHAT IS THAT EGO? 548 00:33:14,826 --> 00:33:20,264 ANYHOW, YOU PUT ON THE GOGGLES AND THE CONSTELLATIONS POP INTO 549 00:33:20,331 --> 00:33:23,167 3D, AND YOU SEE THE SCARS ARE SCATTERED ACROSS SPACE. 550 00:33:23,234 --> 00:33:25,570 IT'S THE... IT'S THE... >> Stephen: I THINK THE 551 00:33:25,636 --> 00:33:27,171 UNIVERSE-- I THINK THE UNIVERSE CARES ABOUT YOU. 552 00:33:27,238 --> 00:33:32,577 ( LAUGHTER ) ABOUT THE UNIVERSE, WELCOME TO 553 00:33:32,643 --> 00:33:37,014 IT OPINION "WELCOME TO THE UNIVERSE IN 3D" 554 00:33:37,081 --> 00:33:39,517 IS AVAILABLE NOW. NEIL deGRASSE TYSON, EVERYBODY 555 00:33:39,584 --> 00:33:41,586 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN EMMY BLOTNICK. 556 00:34:11,983 --> 00:34:18,923 WELCOME BACK! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT 557 00:34:18,990 --> 00:34:23,694 GUEST TONIGHT IS A COMEDIAN AND WRITER WHO HAS WRITTEN FOR, "THE 558 00:34:23,761 --> 00:34:29,233 PRESIDENT SHOW," AND "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN 559 00:34:29,300 --> 00:34:30,902 COLBERT." PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE 560 00:34:30,968 --> 00:34:40,945 SHOW," EMMY BLOTNICK. ♪ ♪ ♪ 561 00:34:41,012 --> 00:34:44,949 ( APPLAUSE ) IT IS SO NICE TO BE HERE WITH 562 00:34:45,016 --> 00:34:48,119 I HAVE BEEN FEELING REALLY RUSTY AT TALKING TO PEOPLE. 563 00:34:48,186 --> 00:34:51,189 I THINK WE ALL HAVE TO BE REALLY NICE TO EACH OTHER RIGHT NOW, 564 00:34:51,255 --> 00:34:55,159 AND CUT EACH OTHER SLACK IF YOUR CONVERSATION GOES WEIRD BAWRKZ 565 00:34:55,226 --> 00:34:58,930 IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN, YOU KNOW. THE OTHER DAY I SAW A WOMAN 566 00:34:58,996 --> 00:35:04,235 OUTSIDE MY COFFEE SHOP WHO HAD A HAIRLESS CAT ZIPPED UP INTO HER 567 00:35:04,302 --> 00:35:06,137 JACKET. AND SHE WAS JUST KIND OF STARING 568 00:35:06,204 --> 00:35:10,408 DOWN THE COFFEE LINE LIKE, "WHO'S GOING TO ASK ME ABOUT MY 569 00:35:10,475 --> 00:35:12,543 HAIRLESS CAT!" SHE DIDN'T SAY THAT, BUT THAT 570 00:35:12,610 --> 00:35:16,347 WAS THE ENERGY, YOU KNOW. AND I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT, BUT 571 00:35:16,414 --> 00:35:18,816 THE WOMAN BEHIND ME DID. SHE WENT FOR IT. 572 00:35:18,883 --> 00:35:23,254 SHE WENT FOR THE CHITCHAT, AND SHE WAS SO WARM AND FRIENDLY 573 00:35:23,321 --> 00:35:27,592 AND, LIKE, MIDWESTERN. LIKE THE EXACT PERSON NEW YORK 574 00:35:27,658 --> 00:35:29,060 NORMALLY DESTROYS. ( LAUGHTER ) 575 00:35:29,126 --> 00:35:35,700 KNEW WHAT SHE MEANT TO SAY. IT JUST CAME OUT SLIGHTLY OFF. 576 00:35:35,766 --> 00:35:41,672 SHE SAID, "OH, WOW. IS THAT A SKINLESS CAT?" 577 00:35:41,739 --> 00:35:48,479 ( LAUGHTER ) SAID, "HE HAS SKIN." 578 00:35:48,546 --> 00:35:51,782 AND I WANTED TO BE LIKE, "JUST LET HER HAVE THIS! 579 00:35:51,849 --> 00:35:56,521 YOU KNOW WHAT SHE MEANT. SHE KNOWS YOUR CAT HAS SKIN 580 00:35:56,587 --> 00:36:03,561 BECAUSE THE WHOLE CAT IS SKIN. IT'S AN ALL-SKIN CAT. 581 00:36:03,628 --> 00:36:05,663 IT'S A VERY SKIN-FORWARD ANIMAL, YOU KNOW. 582 00:36:05,730 --> 00:36:09,200 AND MAYBE SHE SAID 'SKIN' BECAUSE SHE WAS LOOKING AT A LOT 583 00:36:09,267 --> 00:36:13,838 OF IT. HOW DARE YOU MAKE HER FEEL LIKE 584 00:36:13,905 --> 00:36:20,878 THE WEIRD ONE HERE. HOW DO YOU EVEN DO THAT?" 585 00:36:20,945 --> 00:36:24,515 SHE WASN'T BEING WEIRD. SHE WASN'T LIKE, "IS YOUR CAT 586 00:36:24,582 --> 00:36:27,351 ONLY BONES?" SHE WAS JUST TRYING TO CHAT. 587 00:36:27,418 --> 00:36:30,321 I THINK THE RIGHT ANSWER TO THAT IS SOMETHING LIKE, "ACTUALLY, 588 00:36:30,388 --> 00:36:34,358 IT'S A HAIRLESS CAT, BUT THANKS SO MUCH FOR TALKING TO ME. 589 00:36:34,425 --> 00:36:40,531 I'M UTTERLY COMPANIONLESS." ( LAUGHTER ) 590 00:36:40,598 --> 00:36:46,470 HE'S THE BEST. DOGS ARE ANTIDEPRESSANTS, FOR 591 00:36:46,537 --> 00:36:48,673 SURE. IF YOU HAVE DEPRESSION, A DOG 592 00:36:48,739 --> 00:36:51,776 WILL HELP YOU SO MUCH. AND IF YOU HAVE ANXIETY, A DOG 593 00:36:51,842 --> 00:36:54,712 WON'T HELP YOU AT ALL. ( LAUGHTER ) 594 00:36:54,779 --> 00:36:59,483 THEY DON'T COME WITH INSTRUCTION MANUALS. 595 00:36:59,550 --> 00:37:04,322 I JUST GOOGLED DOG QUESTIONS IN A PANIC ALL DAY. 596 00:37:04,388 --> 00:37:09,093 I'M STANDING OUTSIDE WALL GREENS GOOGLING, "CAN DOGS GO INSIDE 597 00:37:09,160 --> 00:37:11,195 WALL GREENS? NO? 598 00:37:11,262 --> 00:37:15,299 OKAY. CAN DOGS EAT FRENCH ONION SOUP? 599 00:37:15,366 --> 00:37:16,500 NO? OKAY." 600 00:37:16,567 --> 00:37:21,305 WE WERE IN AN ELEVATOR AFFECT, AND I WAS LIKE, "DOES HE GET 601 00:37:21,372 --> 00:37:26,210 WHAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? WE'RE MOVING, DOES HE GET IT? 602 00:37:26,277 --> 00:37:32,516 IS IT AND SO I GOOGLED, "DO DOCKS UNDERSTAND ELEVATORS?" 603 00:37:32,583 --> 00:37:37,355 AND THE ANSWER IS FUNCTIONALLY, BUT NOT MECHANICALLY. 604 00:37:37,421 --> 00:37:40,558 AND THAT MAKES SENSE, RIGHT? THEY KNOW THAT THEY'RE GOING 605 00:37:40,625 --> 00:37:43,794 SOMEWHERE, BUT THEY CAN'T BUILD YOU ONE. 606 00:37:43,861 --> 00:37:51,035 ( LAUGHTER ) OH, MAN. 607 00:37:51,102 --> 00:37:55,640 THANK YOU. I'M THINKING ABOUT BUYING 608 00:37:55,706 --> 00:37:56,607 TWITTER. NO. 609 00:37:56,674 --> 00:38:03,381 ( LAUGHTER ) I GOT MY DOG GROOMED FOR THE 610 00:38:03,447 --> 00:38:06,917 FIRST TIME. I CALLED A MOBILE DOG GROOMING 611 00:38:06,984 --> 00:38:12,857 VAN, BECAUSE I SAW IT IN ONE EPISODE OF QUEER EYE, AND IT'S A 612 00:38:12,923 --> 00:38:15,192 GREAT BUSINESS. THEY ROLL UP TO YOUR HOUSE IN A 613 00:38:15,259 --> 00:38:18,596 VAN AND SHE THE GUY TAKES YOUR DOG INTO THE VAN AND HE 614 00:38:18,663 --> 00:38:21,298 DISAPPEARS FOR ABOUT TWO AND A HALF HOURS. 615 00:38:21,365 --> 00:38:23,334 AND THEY DOORING. THEY CUT HIS HAIR. 616 00:38:23,401 --> 00:38:26,303 THEY TRIMMED HIS NAILS. THEY GOT IN HIS EARS. 617 00:38:26,370 --> 00:38:28,572 THEY GAVE HIM A DEPARTMENTAL CLEANING. 618 00:38:28,639 --> 00:38:31,642 THEY WENT UP HIS BUTT. HE CAME OUT LOOKING SO GOOD, 619 00:38:31,709 --> 00:38:34,211 LIKE, THE BEST HE'S EVER LOOKED IN HIS LIFE. 620 00:38:34,278 --> 00:38:38,849 AND I GOT THE BILL AND IT WAS $250, WHICH IS MORE THAN MY 621 00:38:38,916 --> 00:38:42,086 HAIRCUT, AND YOU CAN TELL. ( LAUGHTER ) 622 00:38:42,153 --> 00:38:45,589 THERE? WHY WAS THIS SO EXPENSIVE? 623 00:38:45,656 --> 00:38:48,492 I'M LIKE, NO, YOU KNOW IT, THIS MAKES SENSE. 624 00:38:48,559 --> 00:38:53,531 A GUY HAD TO CHAIN MY DOG BY THE NECK TO A SINK IN A VAN AND 625 00:38:53,597 --> 00:38:55,599 FIGHT HIM FOR TWO AND A HALF HOURS. 626 00:38:55,666 --> 00:38:59,470 HE DESERVES HIS MONEY. AND WHY AREN'T PEOPLE GETTING 627 00:38:59,537 --> 00:39:05,109 GROOMED THIS WAY? ( LAUGHTER ) 628 00:39:05,176 --> 00:39:10,581 IN A VAN. YOU'RE LIKE, REQUEST WHY AM I 629 00:39:10,648 --> 00:39:14,452 GOING TO A HAIRDRESSER IN ONE PLACE AND A DENTIST IN ANOTHER?" 630 00:39:14,518 --> 00:39:18,956 WOULDN'T IT BE AMAZING IF A VAN ROLLED UP TO YOUR HOUSE, A GUY 631 00:39:19,023 --> 00:39:20,124 YOU NEVER MET, PUTS A BAG OVER YOUR HEAD, AND HE DRAGS YOU OUT 632 00:39:20,191 --> 00:39:22,626 TO THE VAN, AND HE HANDCUFFS HIMSELF TO YOU AND YOU TO THE 633 00:39:22,693 --> 00:39:24,829 VAN, AND THEN HE DOES EVERYTHING, RIGHT? 634 00:39:24,895 --> 00:39:27,098 HE CUTS YOUR HAIR, TRIMS YOUR NAILS. 635 00:39:27,164 --> 00:39:33,204 HE GIVES YOU A DENTAL CLEANING AND A COLONOSCOPY, AND A COVID 636 00:39:33,270 --> 00:39:36,173 BOOSTER SHOT, AND A LITTLE TURKEY SAUSAGE, AND HE TELLS YOU 637 00:39:36,240 --> 00:39:39,477 YOU'RE A VERY GOOD BOY, AND YOU COME OUT LOOKING BEST YOU'VE 638 00:39:39,543 --> 00:39:44,682 EVER LOOKED IN YOUR LIFE? I MEAN, WHO'S READY TO START 639 00:39:44,749 --> 00:39:51,889 GROOMING WITH HUMAN GROOMIN'? ( APPLAUSE ) 640 00:39:51,956 --> 00:39:57,027 >> Stephen: EMMY BLOTNICK, EVERYBODY. 641 00:39:57,094 --> 00:40:00,698 THANK YOU, EMMY. YOU CAN CATCH EMMY AT THE 642 00:40:00,765 --> 00:40:01,899 MOONTOWER "JUST FOR LAUGHS" COMEDY FESTIVAL IN AUSTIN, 643 00:40:01,966 --> 00:40:08,939 TEXAS, THIS WEEKEND. EMMY BLOTNICK, 644 00:40:09,006 --> 00:40:10,441 THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS 645 00:40:10,508 --> 00:40:11,642 WILL BE ALEXANDER SKARSGAÅRD AND JACK WHITE. 646 00:40:11,709 --> 00:40:13,711 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. GOOD NIGHT.