1 00:00:01,334 --> 00:00:04,137 THE GRATEFUL DEAD ARE GETTING THEIR ON SALAD MIX. 2 00:00:04,204 --> 00:00:07,340 THE BAND IS PARTNERING WITH GOTHSAL GREENS FOR A BRANDED 3 00:00:07,407 --> 00:00:11,244 SALAD BLEND CALLED GRATEFUL GREENS. 4 00:00:11,311 --> 00:00:13,613 THE COMPANY SAYS OTHER PARTNERSHIPS WITH ICONIC BANDS 5 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:18,852 AND MUSICIANS WILL FOLLOW. >> ENJOY YOUR MELLOW GRATEFUL 6 00:00:18,918 --> 00:00:23,957 DEAD SALAD BUT WISHING YOUR LETTUCE BLEND HAD A LITTLE MORE 7 00:00:24,023 --> 00:00:25,625 EDGE? INTRODUCING SLAYER SPRING MIX, 8 00:00:25,692 --> 00:00:31,631 IT IS THE PERFECT SALAD TO PAIR WITH A NILE STATISTIC 9 00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:34,934 VINEGARRETTE, OTHER PACKAGE SALAD MIX COMES TRIPLE ITS WASH 10 00:00:35,001 --> 00:00:38,104 BUT WE EMBRACE CHAOS SO WE ONLY WASH IT TWICE. 11 00:00:38,171 --> 00:00:43,376 ENJOY SLAYER SPRING MIXES BANGING BLEND OF MURDER LOVES 12 00:00:43,443 --> 00:00:48,848 MESSSCRRKS UIL, CABBAGE AND HAIL SATAN. 13 00:00:48,915 --> 00:00:52,952 >> THIS PICK UP SLAYER SPRING MIX TODAY, LOCALLY SOURCED IN 14 00:00:53,019 --> 00:00:55,622 HELL. >> IT'S THE LATE SHOW WITH 15 00:00:55,688 --> 00:01:10,570 STEPHEN COLBERT. TONIGHT DANIEL CRAIG, AND 16 00:01:10,637 --> 00:01:11,671 STEPHEN COLBERT. TONIGHT DANIEL CRAIG, AND 17 00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:15,942 QUESTIONERT, PLUS STEVE ENWELCOMES MATT WALSH AND 18 00:01:16,009 --> 00:01:21,714 MUSICAL GUEST JOY OLADO-KUN. FEATURING JON BATISTE, AND STAY 19 00:01:21,781 --> 00:01:23,950 HUMAN. AND NOW, LIVER ON TAPE FROM THE 20 00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:34,494 ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 21 00:01:34,561 --> 00:01:38,832 HEY, HEY. 22 00:01:38,898 --> 00:01:45,705 YOU THANKS FOR BEING HERE. . 23 00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:51,945 >> WHAT'S GOING ON. GOOD TO SEE YOU, WHAT'S UP, GOOD 24 00:01:52,011 --> 00:01:55,949 TO SEE I, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. HOW IS THAT LOOKING? 25 00:01:56,015 --> 00:02:00,854 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL. 26 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:03,957 PLEASE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW. 27 00:02:04,023 --> 00:02:08,695 I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. FIRST OF ALL, LET'S START OFF 28 00:02:08,761 --> 00:02:16,069 WITH A-- A HEARTFELT HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO! 29 00:02:16,135 --> 00:02:18,338 EVERYBODY. NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE MISTAKENLY 30 00:02:18,404 --> 00:02:20,006 BELIEVE THAT TODAY IS MEXICAN INDEPENDENCE DAY. 31 00:02:20,073 --> 00:02:25,011 IT'S NOT. IT'S MEXICAN ST. PATRICK'S DAY. 32 00:02:25,078 --> 00:02:29,082 THAT'S WHY WE DRINK GREEN MARGARITAS. 33 00:02:29,148 --> 00:02:31,618 "AH, THE LUCK OF THE MEXICANS. THEY'RE AFTER ME LUCKY 34 00:02:31,684 --> 00:02:38,892 BURRITOS!" STE END OF EF EVERY RAINBOW SAY 35 00:02:38,958 --> 00:02:41,494 POT OF-- CINCO DE MAYO ISN'T EVEN 36 00:02:41,561 --> 00:02:45,465 CELEBRATED IN ALL OF MEXICO. AND HERE IN THE U.S., IT ONLY 37 00:02:45,532 --> 00:02:48,234 BEGAN TO TAKE OFF IN THE 1970s AND '80s, WHEN BREWING COMPANIES 38 00:02:48,301 --> 00:02:54,107 BEGAN CAPITALIZING ON IT AS A WAY TO APPEAL TO CONSUMERS. 39 00:02:54,173 --> 00:02:55,642 WOW, PROMOTING A HOLIDAY FOR 40 00:02:55,708 --> 00:03:00,914 CORPORATIONS TO MAKE MONEY? THAT'S SO CRASS. 41 00:03:00,980 --> 00:03:07,654 I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. YOU KNOW, BREAKS YOUR HEART, 42 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:11,824 WELL, AT LEAST WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE ARE THE FEAST OF 43 00:03:11,891 --> 00:03:12,825 ST. OCTOBERFEST. YOU KNOW WHO COULD REALLY USE A 44 00:03:12,892 --> 00:03:13,626 DRINK RIGHT NOW? WALL STREET. 45 00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:15,962 IT'S BEEN A CRAZY WEEK FOR THE DOWS. 46 00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:19,566 IN ORDER TO TRY TO FIGHT INFLATION, YESTERDAY, THE FED 47 00:03:19,632 --> 00:03:21,467 RAISED INTEREST RATES BY HALF A POINT, THE BIGGEST HIKE 48 00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:23,970 SINCE 2000. OF COURSE, BACK IN THE CRASH OF 49 00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:27,941 2000, STOCK BROKERS WERE ALL 50 00:03:28,007 --> 00:03:35,515 >> BYE-BYE-BYE! >> AFTER YESTERDAY'S 51 00:03:35,582 --> 00:03:39,953 RATE HIKE, THE MARKETS WENT UP 932 POINTS, BUT THIS MORNING, 52 00:03:40,019 --> 00:03:43,623 AS ONE REPORTER DESCRIBED IT, INVESTORS WOKE UP WITH A 53 00:03:43,690 --> 00:03:46,359 BINGE-TRADING HANGOVER. OH, 54 00:03:46,426 --> 00:03:47,961 YOU'VE GOT TO BE CAREFUL WHEN YOU BINGE-TRADE. 55 00:03:48,027 --> 00:03:49,629 OTHERWISE, YOU COULD WAKE UP NEXT TO A STOCK YOU DON'T EVEN 56 00:03:49,696 --> 00:03:51,965 REMEMBER ACQUIRING. I WANT TO SAY... 57 00:03:52,031 --> 00:03:55,635 SUSAN? I'M SORRY. 58 00:03:55,702 --> 00:03:59,672 CITIGROUP. THEN TODAY, EVERYTHING WENT 59 00:03:59,739 --> 00:04:01,641 KABLOOEY. THE DOW TUMBLED OVER 1,000 60 00:04:01,708 --> 00:04:04,110 POINTS, IN THE WORST DAY OF THE YEAR, SO FAR. 61 00:04:04,177 --> 00:04:07,647 ECLIPSING THE PREVIOUS WORST DAY 62 00:04:07,714 --> 00:04:19,626 EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR. SPEAKING OF WORST, THERE'S BEEN 63 00:04:19,692 --> 00:04:27,967 A SIGHTING OF FORMER PRESIDENT MOPEY PRICK. 64 00:04:28,034 --> 00:04:33,139 THERE HE BLOWS. BLOWS. 65 00:04:33,206 --> 00:04:34,774 JUST YESTERDAY, HE GAVE AN INTERVIEW 66 00:04:34,841 --> 00:04:36,309 TO THE CHRISTIAN BROADCASTING NETWORK, AND MADE A PRETTY WILD 67 00:04:36,376 --> 00:04:43,650 CLAIM ABOUT RELIGION. >> NOBODY HAS DONE MORE FOR 68 00:04:43,716 --> 00:04:47,954 CHRISTIANITY-- NOBODY HAS DONE MORE FOR RELIGION OF ALL 69 00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:55,695 TYPES, THAN ME. >> BOLD STATEMENT. 70 00:04:55,762 --> 00:04:59,966 BUT HE'S RIGHT ABOUT CHRISTIANITY. 71 00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:10,076 FOR FOUR YEARS, HE CERTAINLY INSPIRED ME TO SAY, "JEEEE-SUS." 72 00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:11,911 REMEMBER, IT'S NOT JUST CHRISTIANITY. 73 00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:16,916 HE SAID NO ONE'S DONE MORE FOR RELIGIONS OF ALL KINDS. 74 00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:20,253 WHICH ALSO MAKES SENSE. HE'S GOT THE WRATH OF YAHWEH, 75 00:05:20,319 --> 00:05:22,355 THE DESTRUCTIVE POWER OF SHIVA, THE B.M.I. OF THE BUDDHA, AND 76 00:05:22,422 --> 00:05:35,134 THE SEXUAL ASSAULT HISTORY OF ZEUS. 77 00:05:35,201 --> 00:05:37,503 HE ALSO IN ITS SAME INTERVIEW, 78 00:05:37,570 --> 00:05:40,139 HE FOR SOME REASON HE ALSO BRAGGED AGAIN ABOUT THAT 79 00:05:40,206 --> 00:05:43,843 OLD "PERSON-WOMAN-MAN-CAMERA-TV" 80 00:05:43,910 --> 00:05:47,947 >> I DECIDED TO TAKE ONE, BECAUSE THE FAKE NEWS WAS HAVING 81 00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:49,649 FUN NO MATTER WHAT YOU DID. AND I TOOK ONE. 82 00:05:49,716 --> 00:05:51,951 AND YOU KNOW, IT WAS AN AMAZING THING. 83 00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:55,655 THEY NOW CALL ME A DICTATOR AND OTHER THINGS, BUT THEY DON'T 84 00:05:55,722 --> 00:06:03,963 CALL YOU STUPID. 85 00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:07,633 >> HE THINKS WE DON'T CALL HIM STUPID? 86 00:06:07,700 --> 00:06:22,582 WHAT A MORON. 87 00:06:22,648 --> 00:06:23,783 WHAT A MORON. 88 00:06:23,850 --> 00:06:29,155 HE'S BEEN BRAGGING ABOUT THIS FOR YEARS AS A REMARKABLE 89 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:32,859 ACHIEVEMENT ON WHAT HE THINK IS AN IQ TEST, 90 00:06:32,925 --> 00:06:34,694 WHICH IT IS NOT. THE TEN-MINUTE TEST IS DESIGNED 91 00:06:34,761 --> 00:06:35,928 TO DETECT MILD COGNITIVE IMPAIRMENT, AND INCLUDES SUCH 92 00:06:35,995 --> 00:06:37,663 NAME THESE ANIMALS. 93 00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:39,966 THAT'S EASY. I' 94 00:06:40,032 --> 00:06:43,636 BIG-HAIR BILLY, HORNY SHEILA, AND 95 00:06:43,703 --> 00:06:49,642 DR. HUMPS. ALSO, IT'S A LITTLE DISTURBING 96 00:06:49,709 --> 00:06:55,648 WHEN HE SAYS HE DOESN'T MIND BEING CALLED A DICTATOR AS LONG 97 00:06:55,715 --> 00:06:59,051 AS PEOPLE DON'T THINK HE'S DUMB. IT'S A LITTLE TOO CLOSE TO THAT 98 00:06:59,118 --> 00:07:01,654 >> MY FASCIST RULE WILL BRING 99 00:07:01,721 --> 00:07:07,627 GLORY TO ITALY! ALSO, LOOK! 100 00:07:07,693 --> 00:07:16,602 I GOT TODAY'S WORDLE IN THREE! >> PASTA! 101 00:07:16,669 --> 00:07:17,703 , >> IT WASN'T JUST THE 102 00:07:17,770 --> 00:07:19,238 FORMER PRESIDENT. WE KEEP LEARNING DISTURBING 103 00:07:19,305 --> 00:07:21,040 DETAILS ABOUT HIS ENTIRE ADMINISTRATION, COURTESY OF A 104 00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:23,943 NEW BOOK BY TWO "NEW YORK TIMES" REPORTERS, THAT SAYS THAT 105 00:07:24,010 --> 00:07:27,947 DURING THE 2020 CAMPAIGN, THE EX-PRESIDENT'S TEAM POLL-TESTED 106 00:07:28,014 --> 00:07:31,384 THE IDEA OF EXPELLING ALL CHINESE SCIENTISTS FROM THE 107 00:07:31,450 --> 00:07:33,986 U.S., AND ORDERING NATIONAL GUARD TROOPS INTO CITIES. 108 00:07:34,053 --> 00:07:35,988 OKAY, THAT SOUNDS INSANE, BUT THERE'S A MADNESS TO THEIR 109 00:07:36,055 --> 00:07:39,959 METHOD, BECAUSE THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S TEAM WANTED TO FIND 110 00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:43,429 A POLICY THAT SPARKED THE SAME KIND OF REACTION AS HIS 2015 111 00:07:43,496 --> 00:07:46,265 PLAN TO BAN MUSLIMS FROM ENTERING THE U.S. 112 00:07:46,332 --> 00:07:48,334 SO, THEY WANTED WORSE POLICIES, TO INFURIATE AND TRAUMATIZE MORE 113 00:07:48,401 --> 00:07:52,138 PEOPLE. THEY SHOULD'VE JUST PITCHED 114 00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:55,641 "STARRING MARILYN MANSON AS BUGS BUNNY, AND THE 115 00:07:55,708 --> 00:08:08,721 CAST OF 'CATS'." WE DISAGREE ABOUT SPACE CAMP 116 00:08:08,788 --> 00:08:09,689 TOO. HE LIKES IT. 117 00:08:09,755 --> 00:08:13,626 I HAVEN'T SEEN IT. THE POLLS WERE CONDUCTED BY 118 00:08:13,693 --> 00:08:15,962 THE EX-PRESIDENT'S POLLSTER AND NIPPLE WHO WISHED TO BE A 119 00:08:16,028 --> 00:08:21,701 REAL BOY... TONY FABRIZIO. 120 00:08:21,767 --> 00:08:23,970 IN THE BOOK, FABRIZIO VAGUELY EXPLAINS THAT HE GOT THESE 121 00:08:24,036 --> 00:08:28,074 EMAILS FROM SOME GUY NAMED JOHN, "THAT WENT ON FOR PAGES WITH 122 00:08:28,140 --> 00:08:31,644 THESE CRAZY QUESTIONS. I'D SAY TO HIM, 'WHERE ARE YOU 123 00:08:31,711 --> 00:08:34,780 GETTING THESE QUESTIONS FROM'?" TURNS OUT, "THESE 'PROVOCATIVE, 124 00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:36,649 EVEN OUTLANDISH POLLING QUESTIONS' CAME FROM A 'FLUID' 125 00:08:36,716 --> 00:08:39,952 GROUP OF OFFICIAL AND UNOFFICIAL PRESIDENTIAL AIDES." 126 00:08:40,019 --> 00:08:47,126 A FLUID GROUP. SO, DEFINITELY RUDY GIULIANI. 127 00:08:47,193 --> 00:08:51,964 Z WE REMEMBER. NEVER GETS OLD. 128 00:08:52,031 --> 00:08:55,835 NEVER GETS OLD WE KNOW ONE MEMBER OF THE GROUP 129 00:08:55,902 --> 00:08:59,972 WAS FORMER HOUSE SPEAKER NEWT GINGRICH, SEEN HERE ATTENDING 130 00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:09,815 THE ANNUAL EMBALMER'S BALL. WHEN ASKED WHETHER HE HAD 131 00:09:09,882 --> 00:09:11,651 PROVIDED THESE BIZARRE POLLING TOPICS, GINGRICH SAID THAT THE 132 00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:13,653 REPORTING ON THE QUESTIONS LISTED ABOVE "DOESN'T SOUND 133 00:09:13,719 --> 00:09:15,955 RIGHT." BUT ADDED, "WE FRANKLY LOOKED AT 134 00:09:16,022 --> 00:09:20,226 LOTS AND LOTS OF STUFF." "YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENT PLEADS 135 00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:22,762 NOT GUILTY, BUT SAYS IT'S TOTALLY POSSIBLE. 136 00:09:22,828 --> 00:09:25,631 HE'S STABBED LOTS AND LOTS OF PEOPLE." 137 00:09:25,698 --> 00:09:30,436 ANOTHER PERSON BRAINSTORMING THESE KOO-KOO-BANANAS POLLING 138 00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:39,278 QUESTIONS WAS FORMER WHITE HOUSE ADVISOR STEPHE MILLER. 139 00:09:39,345 --> 00:09:41,080 HE'LL BE SO HAPPY YOU REMEMBERED. 140 00:09:41,147 --> 00:09:42,114 THAT EXPLAINS WHY VOTERS WERE 141 00:09:42,181 --> 00:09:43,783 "WHAT IS THIS THING YOU HUMANS 142 00:09:43,849 --> 00:09:47,219 CALL LOVE?" AND "I'M STARVING. ARE YOU GOING TO FINISH THAT 143 00:09:47,286 --> 00:09:51,857 HAMSTER?" THIS BOOK ALSO HAS SOME NEWS 144 00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:53,759 ABOUT HOUSE MINORITY LEADER AND DAD JUST RESTING HIS EYES FOR A 145 00:09:53,826 --> 00:09:57,563 SEC DURING THE HIGH SCHOOL PRODUCTION OF "OUR TOWN"... 146 00:09:57,630 --> 00:09:59,966 KEVIN McCARTHY. FIRST, HE WAS UNDER FIRE FOR 147 00:10:00,032 --> 00:10:03,970 LEAKED AUDIO PROVING HE PLANNED TO URGE THE EX-PRESIDENT TO 148 00:10:04,036 --> 00:10:07,640 RESIGN AFTER THE CAPITOL RIOT. AND NOW THERE'S MORE LEAKED 149 00:10:07,707 --> 00:10:10,743 AUDIO PROVING THAT IN THE DAYS AFTER JANUARY 6, McCARTHY WAS 150 00:10:10,810 --> 00:10:13,646 WILLING TO STRONGLY CONDEMN THE EX- 151 00:10:13,713 --> 00:10:16,382 >> WHAT THE PRESIDENT DID IS ATROCIOUS AND TOTALLY WRONG. 152 00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:19,652 >> ATROCIOUS AND TOTALLY WRONG? 153 00:10:19,719 --> 00:10:23,956 HAVE SOME RESPECT, SIR! THEIR NAMES ARE DON JR. AND 154 00:10:24,023 --> 00:10:31,530 ERIC! BUT THEIR NICKNAMES, THEIR PET 155 00:10:31,597 --> 00:10:34,633 NAMES ARE ATROCIOUS AND TOTALLY WRONG. 156 00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:37,670 BUT THE BIGGEST BOMBSHELL IS THAT McCARTHY IS HEARD ON TAPE 157 00:10:37,737 --> 00:10:41,040 DISCUSSING USING THE 25th AMENDMENT TO FORCIBLY REMOVE THE 158 00:10:41,107 --> 00:10:43,642 PRESIDENT, BUT WORRYING IT WOULD BE TOO SLOW. 159 00:10:43,709 --> 00:10:47,947 >> I THINK THE OPTIONS BY THE DEMOCRATS THAT HAVE BEEN INCITED 160 00:10:48,014 --> 00:10:50,049 SO FAR ARE THE 25th AMENDMENT, WHICH IS NOT EXACTLY AN ELEGANT 161 00:10:50,116 --> 00:10:55,654 SOLUTION HERE. >> THAT TAKES TOO LONG, TOO. 162 00:10:55,721 --> 00:10:58,591 >> HE WAS RIGHT. ITS 259 AMENDMENT IS 163 00:10:58,657 --> 00:11:00,493 IT'S A LONG, COMPLEX PROCESS. EVERYONE KNEW THE FASTEST WAY TO 164 00:11:00,559 --> 00:11:07,266 GET HIM OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE WAS WITH A BURGER ON A STRING. 165 00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:07,933 THERE YOU GO. 166 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:11,971 THERE YOU GO. COME ON, BABY. 167 00:11:12,038 --> 00:11:14,774 EARN THAT-- BURN THAT CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS. 168 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:16,175 McCARTHY ISN'T ALONE. THE G.O.P. HAS A DEEP BENCH OF 169 00:11:16,242 --> 00:11:20,212 GRIFTERS AND CON MEN. CASE IN POINT, TV CHARLATAN 170 00:11:20,279 --> 00:11:27,953 DR. MEHMET OZ, SEEN HERE TAKING A PICTURE WITH HIS BIGGEST FAN. 171 00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:31,657 DR. OZ IS RUNNING FOR SENATE IN PENNSYLVANIA, DESPITE THE FACT 172 00:11:31,724 --> 00:11:34,693 THAT UP UNTIL HE ANNOUNCED, HE HAD BEEN LIVING IN AND FILMING 173 00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:37,663 HIS SHOW IN NEW JERSEY. NEW JERSEY! 174 00:11:37,730 --> 00:11:40,399 HE'S NOT A REAL PENNSYLVANIAN! I BET HE'S NEVER EVEN GOTTEN 175 00:11:40,466 --> 00:11:50,676 WASTED ON YUENGLING AND TRIED TO TONGUE THE CRACK OF THE 176 00:11:50,743 --> 00:11:52,278 LIBERTY BELL! CRITICS ARE ALSO QUICK TO 177 00:11:52,344 --> 00:11:55,981 POINT OUT THAT DOC OZZY ALSO HAS TURKISH CITIZENSHIP, BUT HE 178 00:11:56,048 --> 00:11:59,952 HAS ASSURED VOTERS THAT HE'S NEVER BEEN POLITICALLY INVOLVED 179 00:12:00,019 --> 00:12:01,854 IN TURKEY IN ANY CAPACITY. TURNS OUT, AND I KNOW THIS IS 180 00:12:01,921 --> 00:12:07,526 GOING TO COME AS SOMETHING OF A SHOCK, DR. OZ LIED, BECAUSE THIS 181 00:12:07,593 --> 00:12:10,362 WEEK, A PICTURE EMERGED OF HIM VOTING IN THE 2018 TURKISH 182 00:12:10,429 --> 00:12:11,964 ELECTION. EVEN WORSE, HE VOTED FOR JILL 183 00:12:12,031 --> 00:12:21,674 STEIN! SHEM HE BE SO HPPY YOU 184 00:12:21,740 --> 00:12:23,309 REMEMBERED HERE TOO. I GOT NEWS FOR YOU, MEHMET OZ. 185 00:12:23,375 --> 00:12:25,644 WHEN YOU VOTE, YOU ARE POLITICALLY INVOLVED, AND, 186 00:12:25,711 --> 00:12:31,650 NOT TO SQUAB-BLE, IF YOU DON'T DUCK THIS TURKEY SCANDAL YOUR 187 00:12:31,717 --> 00:12:36,222 GOOSE IS COOKED, YOU CHICKEN. CORNISH GAME HEN. 188 00:12:36,288 --> 00:12:43,662 TURNING TO SPORT. 189 00:12:43,729 --> 00:12:50,202 NO, NO, NO, COME ON. WE GOT-- WE GOT A LONG WE GOT A 190 00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:51,937 LONG NIGHT. YOU HAVE TO HAVE HIGHER STANDARD 191 00:12:52,004 --> 00:12:55,074 THAN THAT. TURNING TO SPORT. 192 00:12:55,141 --> 00:12:56,108 MANY TIMES I HAVE IMPLIED THAT BASEBALL IS BORING. 193 00:12:56,175 --> 00:13:03,682 BECAUSE IT OFTEN IS. BASEBALL KNOWS IT. 194 00:13:03,749 --> 00:13:04,917 THEY HAVE A BREAK CALLED THE SEVENTH INNING STRETCH WHEN 195 00:13:04,984 --> 00:13:07,653 EVERYONE SINGS "TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME" TO REMIND THE 196 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:13,425 CROWD WHERE THEY JUST WOKE UP. BUT, BASEBALL CAME DANGEROUSLY 197 00:13:13,492 --> 00:13:15,961 CLOSE TO BEING INTERESTING YESTERDAY WHEN ASTROS SECOND 198 00:13:16,028 --> 00:13:19,665 BASEMEN JOSE ALTUVE WAS UP TO BAT, 199 00:13:19,732 --> 00:13:25,671 >> ONE, TWO COUNT. OOOOH! 200 00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:33,812 >> OH! TWO BALLS. 201 00:13:33,879 --> 00:13:35,447 AND NO BALLS. BUT ALTUVE'S FINE. 202 00:13:35,514 --> 00:13:37,650 IN FACT, HE ACTUALLY CONTINUED THE AT-BAT AND REGISTERED A HIT. 203 00:13:37,716 --> 00:13:39,952 THAT'S SO INSPIRING. IT REMINDS ME OF THAT FAMOUS 204 00:13:40,019 --> 00:13:45,157 SCENE IN "" >> IF YOU BUILD IT, HE WILL... 205 00:13:45,224 --> 00:13:49,128 OWW! MY BALLS! 206 00:13:49,195 --> 00:13:51,964 >> WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! 207 00:13:52,031 --> 00:13:55,668 MY GUEST IS MATT WALSH. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, SOME 208 00:13:55,734 --> 00:13:59,772 SHOPPING IDEAS FOR MOTHER'S DAY. ALSO, DANIEL CRAIG IS HERE. 209 00:14:29,301 --> 00:14:30,369 HEY, EVERYBODY. WELCOME BACK. 210 00:14:30,436 --> 00:14:39,745 GIVE IT UP TO THE BAND. NOW HAPPY THURSDAY, HAPPY 211 00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:43,749 THURSDAY, LOUIS. FOR THE PEOPLE WONDERING ITS 212 00:14:43,816 --> 00:14:47,753 REASON WHY ARE YOU LEADING THE BAND, OUR DEER FRIEND JON 213 00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:49,455 BATISTE HAS CAUGHT THE COVID, UNFORTUNATELY. 214 00:14:49,521 --> 00:14:53,092 >> HE HAS. >> JON SAYS HE IS 215 00:14:53,158 --> 00:14:55,461 DOING FINE, VAXXED AND BOOSTED AND ALL THAT GOOD STUVMENT WE'RE 216 00:14:55,527 --> 00:14:59,498 GOING TO THINK OF YOU TONIGHT, JON, TAKE CARE. 217 00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:01,133 THE SOUP SON THE WAY, MASSIVE DOSES. 218 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:05,437 I RECOMMEND A BACON SANDWICH TO GO WITH IT, THAT IS WHAT THE CDC 219 00:15:05,504 --> 00:15:07,740 IS RECOMMENDING RIGHT NOW. WE LOVE YOU, TAKE CARE OF 220 00:15:07,806 --> 00:15:10,209 YOURSELF. >> WE LOVE YOU, GET BETTER SOON. 221 00:15:10,276 --> 00:15:12,511 >> - >> - HOPE IT DOESN'T 222 00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:15,714 GET INTO THE FINGERS. NOW ALSO TONIGHT WE HAVE GOT A 223 00:15:15,781 --> 00:15:21,520 COUPLE OF LOVELY GUESTS. MY DEAR AND FRIEND MATT WALSH IS 224 00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:23,756 ON HERE TONIGHT. AND MR. DANIEL CRAIG WILL BE 225 00:15:23,822 --> 00:15:28,360 HERE TAKING THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT. 226 00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:31,530 MR. JAMES BOND HIMSELF. >> JAMES BOND. 227 00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:35,734 >> FOLKS FOLKS, MOTHER'S DAY IS JUST 228 00:15:35,801 --> 00:15:37,436 AROUND THE CORNER. ALSO JUST AROUND THE CORNER? 229 00:15:37,503 --> 00:15:39,738 MILLIONS OF ADULT SONS ASKING THEIR SISTERS IF THEY CAN JUST 230 00:15:39,805 --> 00:15:41,674 THROW THEIR NAME ON THE CARD. AND YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS 231 00:15:41,740 --> 00:15:43,742 THINKING ABOUT MOTHER'S DAY GIFTS? 232 00:15:43,809 --> 00:15:47,746 GOOP GURU, AND GHOST HAUNTING YOUR DENTIST'S OFFICE... 233 00:15:47,813 --> 00:15:51,750 GWYNETH PALTROW. IF YOU HAVEN'T GOTTEN A GIFT FOR 234 00:15:51,817 --> 00:15:55,254 YOUR MOM YET, DON'T WORRY, BECAUSE THE GOOP MOTHER'S DAY 235 00:15:55,321 --> 00:15:57,556 GIFT GUIDE IS HERE TO HELP. AND SOMETHING NEW WITH THIS 236 00:15:57,623 --> 00:16:00,092 YEAR'S RELEASE IS THAT THE GUIDE IS BROKEN INTO FOUR PARTS. 237 00:16:00,159 --> 00:16:03,762 BECAUSE BREAKING IT INTO SMALLER PARTS MAKES IT EASIER TO JAM UP 238 00:16:03,829 --> 00:16:13,439 THERE WITH YOUR JADE EGG. THE FIRST SECTION IS 239 00:16:13,505 --> 00:16:17,276 -- SOME PEOPLE HAVE SEEN THE GOP GUIDE BEFORE, EVIDENTLY. 240 00:16:17,343 --> 00:16:19,411 THE FIRST SECTION IS KITCHENWARE, AND IS TITLED "TO 241 00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:21,780 THE ONE WHO SHOWED ME HOW TO SLICE, SHUCK, AND SPATCHCOCK." 242 00:16:21,847 --> 00:16:25,451 EASY WITH THE LANGUAGE, GWYNETH! THIS IS CBS. 243 00:16:25,517 --> 00:16:37,463 WE HAVE TO SAY "SPATCH-PENIS." >> MAKES IT EASIER. 244 00:16:37,529 --> 00:16:41,300 MAKES IT EASIER TO GRILL. THE KITCHEN SECTION FEATURES 245 00:16:41,367 --> 00:16:43,969 POTS AND OVEN MITTS, BUT ALSO, FOR SOME REASON, A SPECIAL 246 00:16:44,036 --> 00:16:49,441 COMMISSION PASTEL PORTRAIT OF YOUR CHILD FOR $4,300. 247 00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:52,044 A GREAT GIFT FOR ANY MOTHER WHO ASPIRES FOR THEIR CHILD TO 248 00:16:52,111 --> 00:16:55,447 ONE DAY BE A PHANTASM TERRORIZING A 19th CENTURY 249 00:16:55,514 --> 00:17:07,459 ORPHANAGE. ANOTHER SECTION FROM GWYNETH'S 250 00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:11,730 GOOP GUIDE IS CALLED "TO THE ONE WHO DOES FLOWER ACID WHILE 251 00:17:11,797 --> 00:17:15,734 LISTENING TO THE GOOP PODCAST." SOUNDS PROVOCATIVE, BUT TURNS 252 00:17:15,801 --> 00:17:19,438 OUT, "FLOWER ACID" IS THE NAME OF GOOP'S FACIAL TONER. 253 00:17:19,505 --> 00:17:23,742 WHICH MEANS THIS SECTION IS PRODUCTS FOR PEOPLE USING THEIR 254 00:17:23,809 --> 00:17:27,746 PRODUCTS WHILE LISTENING TO A PODCAST ABOUT THEIR PRODUCTS. 255 00:17:27,813 --> 00:17:34,353 THEY'VE REALLY GOT THEIR HEAD UP THEIR OWN PRODUCT HOLE. 256 00:17:34,420 --> 00:17:39,758 AGAIN, NOT EASY WITH THAT JADE EGG UP THERE. 257 00:17:39,825 --> 00:17:43,462 THE SECTION FEATURES THE "HIGHER DOSE RED LIGHT FACE MASK," WHICH 258 00:17:43,529 --> 00:17:47,733 WILL SET YOU BACK $299. PERFECT FOR THE MOM WHO WANTS 259 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,435 HER SKIN TO LOOK PRISTINE FOR THE MURDERS SHE COMMITS WHILE 260 00:17:49,501 --> 00:17:58,277 WEARING IT. AND, 261 00:17:58,343 --> 00:17:59,778 IF THAT MASK ISN'T RIGHT FOR YOUR MOM, YOU CAN ALSO GET HER 262 00:17:59,845 --> 00:18:03,749 THIS CHAKRA BRACELET MADE OF MOONSTONE BEADS AND FINISHED 263 00:18:03,816 --> 00:18:07,453 WITH DIAMONDS, FOR A NIFTY $7,770. 264 00:18:07,519 --> 00:18:11,757 YES, A CHAKRA BRACELET. TO HELP YOU REMEMBER THE SECOND 265 00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:14,893 "THE ROOT OF SUFFERING IS ATTACHMENT, 266 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:16,895 UNLESS YOU'RE ATTACHED TO A DIAMOND BRACELET WITH SOMETHING 267 00:18:16,962 --> 00:18:18,931 CALLED 'MOONSTONE BEADS.' WHAT ARE THOSE? 268 00:18:18,997 --> 00:18:28,740 WHO CARES? I'M A SHINY BUDDHA, BITCH!" 269 00:18:28,807 --> 00:18:35,314 ANOTHER SECTION IS DEDICATED TO A SPECIAL KIND OF MOM 270 00:18:35,380 --> 00:18:36,515 ANOTHER SECTION IS DEDICATED TO 271 00:18:36,582 --> 00:18:37,583 "THE ONE WHO PICKED UP WHERE SEX ED LEFT OFF." 272 00:18:37,649 --> 00:18:38,951 NOT JUST A GIFT GUIDE-- ALSO A POPULAR CATEGORY ON 273 00:18:39,017 --> 00:18:40,085 PORNHUB. THIS SEX-POSITIVE MOM SECTION 274 00:18:40,152 --> 00:18:41,854 CONTAINS AN ALARMING EIGHT VIBRATORS. 275 00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,655 WHICH I'M SURE WILL BRING BACK MEMORIES OF WHEN YOU WERE IN 276 00:18:43,722 --> 00:18:51,763 KINDERGARTEN AND MADE HER THAT MACARONI VIBRATOR. 277 00:18:51,830 --> 00:18:58,403 REMEMBER, YOU'RE UPSET AT GWYNETH PALTROW, NOT ME, THESE 278 00:18:58,470 --> 00:19:03,742 ARE HERE IDEAS. THIS SECTION ALSO INCLUDES 279 00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:06,912 -- WE KID. THIS SECTION ALSO INCLUDES 280 00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:10,849 ARTIPOPPE'S ZEITGEIST BABY CARRIER, WHICH GOES FOR $787. 281 00:19:10,916 --> 00:19:13,452 A GREAT PRESENT FOR ANY MOM WHO NEEDS TO CARRY AN INFANT. 282 00:19:13,519 --> 00:19:18,423 OR EIGHT VIBRATORS. WELL, I'M SORRY, BUT I BELIEVE 283 00:19:18,490 --> 00:19:19,491 MOTHER'S DAY SHOULD NOT BE ABOUT GIVING YOUR MONEY TO 284 00:19:19,558 --> 00:19:23,228 GWYNETH PALTROW. SHE'S NOT YOUR MOTHER. 285 00:19:23,295 --> 00:19:28,734 BUT NEITHER AM I, SO WHY NOT GIVE ME YOUR MONEY? 286 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:31,436 THIS IS THE 2022 MOTHER'S DAY GIFT GUIDE FROM MY LIFESTYLE 287 00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:39,611 BRAND, COVETTON HOUSE. S S S 288 00:19:39,678 --> 00:19:43,615 >> BAROQUE SIMPLICITY. SHABBY ELEGANCE. 289 00:19:43,682 --> 00:19:51,623 GIVE ME MONEY. COVETTON HOUSE. 290 00:19:51,690 --> 00:20:03,635 >> WELCOME. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. 291 00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:06,038 THANK YOU. WELCOME TO THE COVETTON MOTHER'S 292 00:20:06,104 --> 00:20:10,142 DAY GIFT GUIDE. THIS YEAR, I'VE DIVIDED MY GUIDE 293 00:20:10,208 --> 00:20:11,610 INTO CATEGORIES, LIKE MY KITCHENWARE SECTION, "TO 294 00:20:11,677 --> 00:20:15,347 THE ONE WHO SHOWED ME HOW TO MICROWAVE, GRUBHUB, AND 295 00:20:15,414 --> 00:20:17,349 SCREAM AT THE HELP." OBVIOUSLY, OUR KITCHENWARE 296 00:20:17,416 --> 00:20:21,587 SECTION FEATURES CUSTOM PORTRAITURE, AND WHAT MOM 297 00:20:21,653 --> 00:20:23,555 WOULDN'T LOVE THIS ONE-OF-A-KIND PAINTING OF HER CHILD IN A 298 00:20:23,622 --> 00:20:27,359 STAINED NIGHTGOWN CRAWLING OUT OF A WELL. 299 00:20:27,426 --> 00:20:29,461 $5,800. ANOTHER SECTION IS "TO THE ONE 300 00:20:29,528 --> 00:20:33,799 WHO COVETTONS WHILE COVETTONING THEIR COVETTON IN AN 301 00:20:33,865 --> 00:20:37,302 "INCEPTION-LIKE COVETTON MIND-PRISON." 302 00:20:37,369 --> 00:20:39,237 IT OFFERS INNOVATIVE SKIN CARE PRODUCTS, LIKE THIS AUTHENTIC 303 00:20:39,304 --> 00:20:42,174 HANNIBAL LECHTER-BRAND MOISTURIZING MASK. 304 00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:45,744 REJUVENATE YOUR SKIN WHILE YOU SLEEP. 305 00:20:45,811 --> 00:20:47,346 COMES WITH A TASER FOR YOUR PARTNER TO CLUTCH WHILE LAYING 306 00:20:47,412 --> 00:21:01,493 NEXT TO YOU IN TERROR. $3,000. 307 00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:02,694 YES. 308 00:21:02,761 --> 00:21:03,495 AND WE'VE GOT OUR NEW SECTION, "TO THE ONE WHO CHAPERONED MY 309 00:21:03,562 --> 00:21:07,633 FIRST 'EYES WIDE SHUT' SEX PARTY." 310 00:21:07,699 --> 00:21:10,135 EIGHT VIBRATORS ARE GREAT, BUT THAT'S A NIGHT OF SOCKS-ON 311 00:21:10,202 --> 00:21:11,770 MISSIONARY COMPARED TO OUR COVETTON PORK-PALACE 312 00:21:11,837 --> 00:21:17,342 SEX-ATORIUM. $25,000.99. 313 00:21:17,409 --> 00:21:19,845 THIS CONVERTED SHIPPING CONTAINER-TURNED-SEXUAL 314 00:21:19,911 --> 00:21:23,348 FANTASY LAND WILL BE PARKED IN YOUR MOM'S DRIVEWAY, AND 315 00:21:23,415 --> 00:21:26,985 COMES FULLY STOCKED WITH SEX SWINGS, A BABY CARRIAGE FULL OF 316 00:21:27,052 --> 00:21:31,623 NIPPLE CLAMPS, AND JASON MOMOA DUCT-TAPED TO A COT. 317 00:21:31,690 --> 00:21:34,660 THIS IS YOUR DAY, MOM. SO, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY FROM 318 00:21:34,726 --> 00:21:36,028 COVETTON HOUSE. MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS, 319 00:21:36,094 --> 00:21:40,766 BUT THAT WON'T STOP US FROM SELLING IT. 320 00:21:40,832 --> 00:21:43,969 WHEN WE COME BACK, DANIEL CRAIG TAKES THE "COLBERT QUESTIONERT." 321 00:21:44,036 --> 00:21:45,303 STICK AROUND. 322 00:22:01,486 --> 00:22:04,790 >> WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW. 323 00:22:04,856 --> 00:22:14,132 I'M HERE WITH DAB YELL CRAIG, IT'S ALWAYS A PLEASURE TO YOU 324 00:22:14,199 --> 00:22:17,335 HAVE HERE AT THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER ON THE LATE SHOW, EVEN 325 00:22:17,402 --> 00:22:19,671 THOUGH I CAN SAFELY SAY YOU AND I ARE VERY GOOD FRIENDS, THE 326 00:22:19,738 --> 00:22:23,942 THING IS WHEN WE SPEND THIS TIME TOGETHER IT'S ONLY A 10, 15 327 00:22:24,009 --> 00:22:26,511 MINUTES AT A TIME AND WE DON'T GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER AS WELL 328 00:22:26,578 --> 00:22:30,749 AS, WELL, CERTAINLY AS WELL AS YOU DESERVE AND AS WELL AS I 329 00:22:30,816 --> 00:22:31,883 WOULD LIKE. >> RIGHT. 330 00:22:31,950 --> 00:22:32,884 >> AND THIS HAPPENS OFTEN WITH THE BIGGEST STARS 331 00:22:32,951 --> 00:22:36,621 THAT I HAVE ON. THERE IS SO MUCH I WANT TO KNOW, 332 00:22:36,688 --> 00:22:40,559 SO MUCH DEPTH I WANT TO PLUM WITH MY QUESTIONK YET THERE IS 333 00:22:40,625 --> 00:22:42,594 NO TIME. SO THE SCIENTISTS IN THE LATE 334 00:22:42,661 --> 00:22:45,297 SHOW LAB CAME UP WITH 15 QUESTIONS. 335 00:22:45,363 --> 00:22:47,699 AT THE END OF WHICH, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT THE CHALLENGE 336 00:22:47,766 --> 00:22:53,338 OF WHAT HAS BEEN CALLED THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT, YOU WILL BE 337 00:22:53,405 --> 00:22:55,073 FULLY KNOWN. ARE YOU PREPARED TO TAKE THE 338 00:22:55,140 --> 00:23:04,616 QUESTIONERT? >> YES DANIEL CRAIG, FIRST 339 00:23:04,683 --> 00:23:16,061 QUESTION WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH. 340 00:23:16,128 --> 00:23:19,131 >> BACON LETTUCE AND TOMORROW ATO. 341 00:23:19,197 --> 00:23:24,836 >> THAT ANYTHING LIKE A BACON LET US AND TO 342 00:23:24,903 --> 00:23:27,038 NATE-- TOMATO SANDWICH, SIMILAR. WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU KNOWN 343 00:23:27,105 --> 00:23:39,384 THAT YOU SHOULD REALLY THROW OUT? 344 00:23:39,451 --> 00:23:42,888 >> OH GOD, THAT'S HARD SRS YOU ARE A BIT OF A PACK RAT, KEEP A 345 00:23:42,954 --> 00:23:45,357 LOT OF THINGS. >> I DO. 346 00:23:45,423 --> 00:23:53,732 I KIND OF HAVE, LIKE, EVERYTHING-- THAT I KEPT. 347 00:23:53,799 --> 00:23:57,335 >> SO THERE IS AT LEAST 24 HOURS ONCE A YEAR THAT 348 00:23:57,402 --> 00:23:59,738 YOU ARE STARK NAKED IS WHAT ARE YOU SAYING. 349 00:23:59,805 --> 00:24:02,107 >> AT LEAST THIS HOURS. >> SO CLOTHES. 350 00:24:02,174 --> 00:24:05,343 >> CLOTHES. >> WHAT IS THE 351 00:24:05,410 --> 00:24:11,249 SCARIEST ANIMAL? >> OH, THAT IS A SURPRISE, I 352 00:24:11,316 --> 00:24:17,355 DON'T KNOW, WHAT IS THE SCARIEST ANIMAL. 353 00:24:17,422 --> 00:24:19,991 >> PROBABLY A-- DEPENDS WHERE YOU ARE. 354 00:24:20,058 --> 00:24:23,161 >> I IMAGINE YOU COULD BE ANYWHERE ON THE PLANET, 355 00:24:23,228 --> 00:24:26,031 WHERE, WHAT ANIMAL. >> AM I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THESE 356 00:24:26,097 --> 00:24:28,967 QUICKLY. >> NO E OH, NO, NO, 357 00:24:29,034 --> 00:24:31,937 THE LONG THER TAKES, THE LESS HAVE I TO DO ON WHATEVER SHOW 358 00:24:32,003 --> 00:24:37,075 THIS BROADCASTS ON. >> OKAY, ALL RIGHT. 359 00:24:37,142 --> 00:24:43,081 SCARIEST ANIMAL, OH, LIKE A BLACK MAMBA SNAKE. 360 00:24:43,148 --> 00:24:45,350 >> EVIDENTLY THEY SMELL TERRIBLE TOO. 361 00:24:45,417 --> 00:24:48,920 >> DO THEY? >> YEAH, THAT'S WHAT 362 00:24:48,987 --> 00:24:51,690 I HEARD REASONS REALLY, THAT SAY BAD WRAP. 363 00:24:51,756 --> 00:24:54,259 >> APPLES OR ORANGES WITHIN ORANGES. 364 00:24:54,326 --> 00:24:57,329 >> OKAY. WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN 365 00:24:57,395 --> 00:25:02,767 WE DIE? >> OH GREAT. 366 00:25:02,834 --> 00:25:11,076 >> NOTHING, WE BECOME STARS. >> YOU SHOULD PUT OUT 367 00:25:11,142 --> 00:25:15,146 A SERIES OF MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS. 368 00:25:15,213 --> 00:25:17,182 >> I HAVE GOT A JOB AT THE MOMENT. 369 00:25:17,249 --> 00:25:24,089 >> THIS IS A TUCHY FOR YOU, FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE. 370 00:25:24,155 --> 00:25:34,799 >> THE FIRST INDIANA JONES. >> WINDOW OR AISLE. 371 00:25:34,866 --> 00:25:37,068 >> AISLE. >> GOOD MAN, GOOD 372 00:25:37,135 --> 00:25:38,670 MAN. WHY AISLE? 373 00:25:38,737 --> 00:25:41,673 >> THE TOILET. >> THAT'S RIGHT. 374 00:25:41,740 --> 00:25:48,046 DON'T WANT TO WAIT FOR ANYBODY TO GET UP. 375 00:25:48,113 --> 00:25:50,215 FAVORITE SMELL. >> MY KID. 376 00:25:50,282 --> 00:25:53,351 >> LEAST FAVORITES SMELL. 377 00:25:53,418 --> 00:25:56,588 >> WELL, MY KIDS. >> TWO SOISD OF THE 378 00:25:56,655 --> 00:26:04,696 SAME COIN. MOST USED APP ON YOUR PHONE. 379 00:26:04,763 --> 00:26:09,267 >> OH I CAN'T PLAY GUITAR BECAUSE I CAN'T COUNT BUT I NEED 380 00:26:09,334 --> 00:26:14,739 A TUNER SO I USE THE TUNER, TO TUNE IT. 381 00:26:14,806 --> 00:26:18,677 >> CATS OR DOGS. >> BOTH. 382 00:26:18,743 --> 00:26:21,146 >> ALL RIGHT. YOU ONLY GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN 383 00:26:21,212 --> 00:26:34,759 TO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT IS IT? 384 00:26:34,826 --> 00:26:41,333 >> WOW. I DON'T KNOW, THAT IS REALLY 385 00:26:41,399 --> 00:26:50,742 HARD. LOVE AND AFFECTION. 386 00:26:50,809 --> 00:26:53,011 >> WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF. 387 00:26:53,078 --> 00:26:57,349 >> FOUR. >> NO. 388 00:26:57,415 --> 00:27:07,058 DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS. 389 00:27:07,125 --> 00:27:12,330 >> -- . >> THOSE REALLIES 390 00:27:12,397 --> 00:27:17,602 RULE, DANIEL, THANK YOU SO MUCH, YOU ARE FULLY KNOWN. 391 00:27:17,669 --> 00:27:22,040 DANIEL CRAIG, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. THANK YOU, MAN. 392 00:27:42,060 --> 00:27:42,794 >> HEY, EVERYBODY, 393 00:27:42,861 --> 00:27:48,066 WELCOME BACK. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN-- 394 00:27:48,133 --> 00:27:50,335 >> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 395 00:27:50,402 --> 00:27:52,137 YOU KNOW MY NEXT GUEST FROM "BROOKLYN NINE NINE" AND "VEEP." 396 00:27:52,203 --> 00:28:02,347 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," MATT WALSH! 397 00:28:02,414 --> 00:28:14,325 HEY. 398 00:28:14,392 --> 00:28:16,995 >> HI STEPHEN. >> NICE TO SEE YOU. 399 00:28:17,062 --> 00:28:18,730 >> NICE TO SEE YOU, GLAD ARE YOU HEALTHY. 400 00:28:18,797 --> 00:28:21,533 >> THE THING PEOPLE DON'T KNOW, WERE YOU SUPPOSED TO 401 00:28:21,599 --> 00:28:25,370 BE HERE A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, WERE YOU ONE OF MY GUESTS THAT 402 00:28:25,437 --> 00:28:30,075 WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE WHEN I TESTED POSITIVE. 403 00:28:30,141 --> 00:28:33,478 YOU JUST FLEW TO NEW YORK JUST FOR THE SHOI, RIGHT. 404 00:28:33,545 --> 00:28:34,679 >> YEAH, BUT I MADE A NIGHT OF IT. 405 00:28:34,746 --> 00:28:39,184 I WENT TO BOUGHT THE CHEAPEST SEAT IS COULD FIND, SAW GREAT 406 00:28:39,250 --> 00:28:42,987 WORLD-CLASS THEATER AND WALKED HOME IN THE MIDST OF THE POST 407 00:28:43,054 --> 00:28:45,223 PHISH CONCERT NITROUS OXIDE PARTY THAT WAS HAPPENING. 408 00:28:45,290 --> 00:28:49,928 >> SORRY, WHAT. >> POST FISH, EVERYBODY DOES 409 00:28:49,994 --> 00:28:50,829 NITROUS BALLOONS. >> OUTSIDE THE 410 00:28:50,895 --> 00:28:54,065 GARDEN. >> OUTSIDE MADISON SQUARE 411 00:28:54,132 --> 00:28:56,835 GARDEN, LIKE WHAT A GREAT GIFT, THEY GIVE YOU A BALLOON AND I 412 00:28:56,901 --> 00:28:59,838 SAW PEOPLE GOING-- AND THEN I'M LIKE OH ST NITROUS, LIKE THE 413 00:28:59,904 --> 00:29:01,606 PARTY IS GOING. >> DID YOU ENJOY IT. 414 00:29:01,673 --> 00:29:04,476 >> I DON'T, I DON'T. >> GOODS BECAUSE ST 415 00:29:04,542 --> 00:29:06,044 BAD. >> BAD FOR YOUR BRAIN CELLS. 416 00:29:06,111 --> 00:29:08,780 >> DON'T DO IT. >> FOR ANYBODY WATCHING, DON'T 417 00:29:08,847 --> 00:29:10,348 DO IT. >> YEAH. 418 00:29:10,415 --> 00:29:15,086 >> THE SHOW IS REALLY HELPFUL FOR AMERICA. DON'T DO WHIP-ITS. 419 00:29:15,153 --> 00:29:16,654 >> IF THERE IS ONE THING. 420 00:29:16,721 --> 00:29:20,492 >> IF NOTHING ELSE, THE DOG OR THE DRUGS DON'T DO WHIP IT Z. 421 00:29:20,558 --> 00:29:24,062 >> IF I CAN KEEP ONE PEOPLE OUT THERE FROM TAKING A 422 00:29:24,129 --> 00:29:28,867 READY WHIP CAN, LET IT SETTLE FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS AND 423 00:29:28,933 --> 00:29:32,971 NOT-- LIKE THAT, DON'T. >> KEEP YOUR BRAIN CELLS, 424 00:29:33,037 --> 00:29:35,006 AMERICA. >> NOW YOU BECAME A 425 00:29:35,073 --> 00:29:36,674 PET OWNER OVER COVID. A LOT OF PEOPLE DID. 426 00:29:36,741 --> 00:29:41,212 BUT YOU COULDN'T GET LIKE A DOG OR A CAT TO SAVE YOUR LIFE, 427 00:29:41,279 --> 00:29:42,847 EVERY SHELTER HAD EVERYTHING ADOPTED. 428 00:29:42,914 --> 00:29:47,552 SO YOU TOOK A CHOICE THAT MAYBE NOT THE FIRST FOR EVERYBODY. 429 00:29:47,619 --> 00:29:51,055 YOU CAN TELL ME WHY DID THIS HAPPEN? 430 00:29:51,122 --> 00:29:54,459 WHAT. >> I GOT INTO RAISING CHICKENS. 431 00:29:54,526 --> 00:29:55,994 >> AND THEY MAKE GOOD PETS. 432 00:29:56,060 --> 00:29:59,697 >> THEY ARE PRETTY GOOD PETS AND YOU GET EGGS FROM THEM. 433 00:29:59,764 --> 00:30:04,202 THE TWO ROOST ERRS, THE BRACK ONE IS CALLED MR. PANTALOON, A 434 00:30:04,269 --> 00:30:07,805 POLISH SILKY. >> THAT SAY SILKY. 435 00:30:07,872 --> 00:30:10,308 >> YEAH, YOU KNOW YOUR CHICKENS. >> SURE. 436 00:30:10,375 --> 00:30:13,611 >> AND THE ONE BEHIND HIM IS SCRAWNY, HE IS SORT OF THE BETA 437 00:30:13,678 --> 00:30:16,014 SO THE BLACK ONE IS THE DOMINANT AND SCRAWNY IS THE SECOND. 438 00:30:16,080 --> 00:30:18,183 >> TELL ME ABOUT THE OTHER CHICKENS. 439 00:30:18,249 --> 00:30:20,785 >> I COULDN'T NAME THEM. THEY ARE JUST HENS. 440 00:30:20,852 --> 00:30:23,488 THEY ARE IDENTICAL. >> WHAT? 441 00:30:23,555 --> 00:30:25,123 >> ALL FEMALE CHICKENS ARE THE SAME TO YOU. 442 00:30:25,190 --> 00:30:28,059 >> THEY DON'T HAVE ANY DISTINGISHED-- WHATEVER, MAN. 443 00:30:28,126 --> 00:30:33,398 JUST GIVE ME MY EGGS. 444 00:30:33,464 --> 00:30:35,166 NOW I'M IN TROUBLE. >> ARE YOU IN 445 00:30:35,233 --> 00:30:38,937 TROUBLE, TIME TO CANCEL MATT WALSH. 446 00:30:39,003 --> 00:30:42,340 >> THEY DON'T HAVE A LOT OF DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS 447 00:30:42,407 --> 00:30:46,010 IN MY DEFENSE. I CHALLENGE YOU TO FIND A 448 00:30:46,077 --> 00:30:48,079 DIFFERENCE. >> BETWEEN CHICKENS. 449 00:30:48,146 --> 00:30:49,047 >> YEAH. >> ALL RIGHT, BRING 450 00:30:49,113 --> 00:30:51,182 THEM OVER. >> ALL RIGHT, I WILL. 451 00:30:51,249 --> 00:30:54,118 >> LEAVE ME ALONE FOR AWHILE, GIVE ME A MINUTE. 452 00:30:54,185 --> 00:30:58,223 >> CAN WE GET SOME LEMON, SOME OLIVE OIL AND I WILL FIND A 453 00:30:58,289 --> 00:30:59,724 DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THESE CHICKENS. 454 00:30:59,791 --> 00:31:01,793 >> YEAH, YEAH. >> I MEAN, IS IT FUN 455 00:31:01,859 --> 00:31:04,128 TO HAVE CHICKENS, DO YOU FEEL LIKE A FARMER. 456 00:31:04,195 --> 00:31:06,431 >> I DO. AND MY WIFE DIDN'T LIKE IT AT 457 00:31:06,497 --> 00:31:09,701 FIRST BECAUSE I BUILT THE COOP MYSELF IN THE BEGINNING BUT IT 458 00:31:09,767 --> 00:31:15,707 WAS TOO JANGY AND SHANTDY TOWN SHE SAID GET RID OF IT, ORDER A 459 00:31:15,773 --> 00:31:17,141 REAL ONE. >> WAS IT BETTER. 460 00:31:17,208 --> 00:31:18,243 >> MUCH BETTER. >> DO YOU HAVE THE 461 00:31:18,309 --> 00:31:20,678 KIND THAT ROLLS AROUND, DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE LAWN. 462 00:31:20,745 --> 00:31:21,779 >> ST PERMANENT. WE HAVE A FENCE. 463 00:31:21,846 --> 00:31:23,815 >> TO KEEP OUT THE WOLVES. 464 00:31:23,881 --> 00:31:27,986 >> WE DO HAVE COYOTES IN L.A. >> I COULD 465 00:31:28,052 --> 00:31:31,089 TEAR-- COYOTES HERE EVERYWHERE, THERE IS COYOTES IN BROOKLYN. 466 00:31:31,155 --> 00:31:32,924 >> REALLY. >> PARDON MY FRENCH 467 00:31:32,991 --> 00:31:35,126 BUT COYOTES EVERYWHERE IN THE UNITED STATES. 468 00:31:35,193 --> 00:31:37,128 >> NOT IN MANHATTAN. >> THERE ARE COYOTES 469 00:31:37,195 --> 00:31:40,064 OUTSIDE THIS THEATER RIGHT NOW, WAITING, WAITING TO PICK OFF 470 00:31:40,131 --> 00:31:43,134 SOME OF THE STRAG ELLERS IN THIS ODD YINS, THEY HIT THEM IN THE 471 00:31:43,201 --> 00:31:45,036 ANKLE, MOVE IN AND JUST TEAR THEM APART. 472 00:31:45,103 --> 00:31:48,072 >> THEY COME IN ON TRASH NIGHT, THEY KNOW WHEN FRASH NIGHT S 473 00:31:48,139 --> 00:31:49,374 OVER THE BRIDGE. >> EXACTLY. 474 00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:51,909 WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT WHEN WE COME BACK I WILL ASK 475 00:31:51,976 --> 00:31:54,779 MATT ABOUT WORKING WITH EVAN -- EVA LONGORIA AND HER 476 00:31:54,846 --> 00:31:55,580 CHICKENS. 477 00:32:03,288 --> 00:32:06,357 >> A LITTLE OF DISCOVERY ABOUT THE SHOW. 478 00:32:06,424 --> 00:32:09,594 >> I WANT TO LEARN ABOUT YOUR PROCESS. 479 00:32:09,661 --> 00:32:12,830 HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE BACK WITH OUR DEAR FRIEND MATTED WALSH. 480 00:32:12,897 --> 00:32:17,101 THE NEW MOVIE, LET'S GETS TO THE NEW MOVIE. 481 00:32:17,168 --> 00:32:20,571 LET'S MOVE SOME TICKETS HERE. >> YEAH. 482 00:32:20,638 --> 00:32:21,706 >> OKAY, NOW IT'S CALLED. 483 00:32:21,773 --> 00:32:23,274 >> YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT ST. 484 00:32:23,341 --> 00:32:25,543 >> THE MOVIE IS CALLED UNPLUGGING. 485 00:32:25,610 --> 00:32:29,447 YOU WROTE THIS THING, WITH EVA LONGORIA, WHAT IS IT ABOUT. 486 00:32:29,514 --> 00:32:32,417 >> ABOUT A COUPLE WHO DECIDES TO RECONNECT, THEY'RE GOING TO PUT 487 00:32:32,483 --> 00:32:37,188 THEIR DEVICES DOWN FOR A WEEKEND AND GO INTO NATURE STVMENT NOT A 488 00:32:37,255 --> 00:32:41,092 HORROR, IT'S A COMEDY. >> EVA LONGORIA IS A 489 00:32:41,159 --> 00:32:44,028 VERY IMPRESSIVE PERSON. BEFORE I HAD EVER MET HER, WHAT 490 00:32:44,095 --> 00:32:47,098 DO WE HAVE HERE. >> SO EVA IS A FRIEND AND I SAID 491 00:32:47,165 --> 00:32:50,868 I'M GOING TO SEE STEPHEN WA, SAY GOOD SINKERO DE MAYO GIFT, SHE'S 492 00:32:50,935 --> 00:32:52,003 MEXICAN. AND SHE SAID WHY DON'T YOU GIVE 493 00:32:52,070 --> 00:32:56,407 HIM SOME OF MY TEQUILA. SO SHE SENT ALONG WITH ME SOME 494 00:32:56,474 --> 00:32:58,509 OF HER OWN TEQUILA. AND DO YOU HAVE A CELEBRITY 495 00:32:58,576 --> 00:32:59,510 PRODUCT. >> WHAT. 496 00:32:59,577 --> 00:33:01,713 >> YOU KNOW LIKE-- . >> I HAVE AN ICE 497 00:33:01,779 --> 00:33:02,747 CREAM. >> YOU DO. 498 00:33:02,814 --> 00:33:07,251 >> MNE IS FOR CHARITY UNLIKE CLOONEY WHO 499 00:33:07,318 --> 00:33:08,619 POCKETS EVERYTHING. >> I MIGHT HAVE LIKE-- YEAH. 500 00:33:08,686 --> 00:33:11,356 >> GEORGE. >> I MIGHT HAVE A STAIN REMOVE 501 00:33:11,422 --> 00:33:13,858 STICK, THAT IS ABOUT THE ONLY THING I COULD ENDORSE. 502 00:33:13,925 --> 00:33:16,994 >> THAT'S FANTASTIC, DO YOU WANT THE LIMES. 503 00:33:17,061 --> 00:33:21,566 >> I LIKE TO STIFF IT, I DO, REALLY, BUT I WILL HAVE A LIME. 504 00:33:21,632 --> 00:33:24,302 >> NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, THAT, I DON'T 505 00:33:24,369 --> 00:33:26,037 KNOW WHY. >> ARE YOU CURSING A LOT. 506 00:33:26,104 --> 00:33:28,439 IS THAT ONE OF THE SIDE EFFECTS OF COVID, CURSING. 507 00:33:28,506 --> 00:33:30,742 >> I THINK BECAUSE I HAVE KNOWN YOU FROM MY 20BGS 508 00:33:30,808 --> 00:33:34,145 THAT IS WHY I AM DROPPING SO MANY F BOMBS, THERE YOU GO. 509 00:33:34,212 --> 00:33:36,447 >> AND THE BAND CAN HAVE THE REST. 510 00:33:36,514 --> 00:33:39,984 >> THAT IS FANTASTIC. THE BAND-- NO, NO, NO. 511 00:33:40,051 --> 00:33:43,020 >> YOU ARE GOING TO KEEP IT. >> I'M ALREADY DOWN. 512 00:33:43,087 --> 00:33:46,057 >> COME ON! >> I'M ALREADY DOWN 513 00:33:46,124 --> 00:33:49,761 ONE BAND LEADER, WE HAVE TO PROTHECT THEM. 514 00:33:49,827 --> 00:33:53,698 WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE CLIP. >> IT THE CAR AND WE JUST LEFT 515 00:33:53,765 --> 00:33:57,902 THE BAR IN THIS CRAZY TOWN IN DOWN STATE INDIANA AND MEET ONE 516 00:33:57,969 --> 00:34:01,606 OF THE LOCALS WHO WAS A LITTLE FRIENDLY AT FIRST AND KIND OF 517 00:34:01,672 --> 00:34:05,076 REGRETTING GETTING IN THE CAR WITH THE THE LOCAL. 518 00:34:05,143 --> 00:34:10,581 >> GOOD FOR YOU, YOU SOUND FOUND PEACE OUT HERE BNS MY ANALOG 519 00:34:10,648 --> 00:34:13,785 LIFE WAS WORKING OUT JUST FINE BUT THIS NEW DIGITAL WEB LIFE, 520 00:34:13,851 --> 00:34:23,094 WELL, IT DROVE ME TO DRINK. >> SMACK THE DRUG. 521 00:34:23,161 --> 00:34:26,030 >> ONCE THEY GOT YOU, THEY DON'T LET YOU, YOU START TO NEED THOSE 522 00:34:26,097 --> 00:34:31,369 LIKES AND THOSE FOLLOWS AND BRANDED CONTENT. 523 00:34:31,436 --> 00:34:35,072 THEN YOU SEARCH ONE TIME FOR THERMAL SOCKS, AND PRETTY SOON 524 00:34:35,139 --> 00:34:37,442 YOU'RE GETTING BURIED IN SOCK ADS. 525 00:34:37,508 --> 00:34:43,381 >> WHO IS THIS? >> THIS IS LULU IS. 526 00:34:43,448 --> 00:34:51,355 >> HI LULU. >> SHE DOESN'T TALK, SHE'S A 527 00:34:51,422 --> 00:34:56,727 RACCOON. >> THAT WAS-- IS THAT 528 00:34:56,794 --> 00:35:01,132 AN AN, MATRONIC COUNTRY BEAR JAM BOREE. 529 00:35:01,199 --> 00:35:05,036 >> THAT SAY REAL RACCOON, AND WHEN YOU WORK WITH ANIMALS T IS 530 00:35:05,102 --> 00:35:07,338 ALWAYS, ST POTLUCK, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO GET 531 00:35:07,405 --> 00:35:11,075 AND THE DAY WE SHOWED UP THE RACCOON WRANGLER SAID NOT A GOOD 532 00:35:11,142 --> 00:35:14,545 DAY, WE SAID WHAT'S GOING ON. THE RACCOON WASN'T HAVING A GOOD 533 00:35:14,612 --> 00:35:16,414 DAY. >> NO, SHE JUST SAID US TO NOT A 534 00:35:16,481 --> 00:35:19,417 GOOD DAY, SHE WAS NOT, THE WRANGLER SAID THAT, WE ARE LIKE 535 00:35:19,484 --> 00:35:23,087 WHY, SHE WAS LIKE WELL, THAT TRUCK WE'RE FILMING IN WAS OWNED 536 00:35:23,154 --> 00:35:26,958 BY A SMOKER AND RACCOONS HATE CIGARETTE SMOKE SO THE RACCOON 537 00:35:27,024 --> 00:35:29,293 IS NOT IN A GOOD MOOD ALREADY. SO-- . 538 00:35:29,360 --> 00:35:31,796 >> DID THE RACCOON COME AT YOU. 539 00:35:31,863 --> 00:35:34,332 >> I WAS A FRAIFD THE RACCOON, YOU CAN SEE REAL FEAR, BECAUSE 540 00:35:34,398 --> 00:35:36,501 ST CLIMBING ON YOU. >> RAND IT CAN SMELL 541 00:35:36,567 --> 00:35:40,938 THE CHICKENS. >> RACCOONS LOVE CHICKENS, 542 00:35:41,005 --> 00:35:42,306 POSOMS, EVERYBODY LOVES CHICKENS. 543 00:35:42,373 --> 00:35:45,910 THE MINUTE YOU GET CHICKENS EVERYBODY IS COMING OVER THE 544 00:35:45,977 --> 00:35:48,145 FENCE. >> TO HIM YOU ARE 545 00:35:48,212 --> 00:35:49,580 JUST A BIG CHICKEN. >> YEAH, PROBABLY. 546 00:35:49,647 --> 00:35:51,983 >> THEY ARE ALSO ARABIES VECTOR, HAVE YOU HAD 547 00:35:52,049 --> 00:35:55,353 YOURSELF CHECK THED OUT. >> I DID NOT GET BIT AND I ALSO 548 00:35:55,419 --> 00:36:01,158 HANDLED A SKUNK IN THE MOVIE, I LIKE SKUNKS BETTER THAN 549 00:36:01,225 --> 00:36:06,764 RACCOONS, SKUNKS ARE FRIN LEE HER AND CHICKEN, HI EVA HANDLE A 550 00:36:06,831 --> 00:36:07,932 CHING, I DON'T PICK UP CHICK EVERYONE'S I AM AFRAID I WILL 551 00:36:07,999 --> 00:36:09,667 HURT TELL. >> YOU GO FROM THE 552 00:36:09,734 --> 00:36:11,869 HEAD DOWN. >> YOU HAVE TO PUSH THE WINGS 553 00:36:11,936 --> 00:36:15,373 AND THEY LIKE THE TUCK. >> YOU THIS THEY ARE FRAGILE 554 00:36:15,439 --> 00:36:17,909 FEELING YOU FEEL LIKE COULD YOU BREAK THEM. 555 00:36:17,975 --> 00:36:20,044 >> BUT THEN DON'T. >> THAT IS WHY I DON'T. 556 00:36:20,111 --> 00:36:23,080 >> IT IS UP TO THEM, JUST DON'T BREAK THE CHICKEN. 557 00:36:23,147 --> 00:36:27,351 >> I DON'T KNOW MY STRENGTH LIKE GEORGE THE RABBIT. 558 00:36:27,418 --> 00:36:34,725 >> YEAH. LET'S END ON THAT. 559 00:36:34,792 --> 00:36:38,429 >> OKAY. OF MIESES AND MEN, HAPPY CINQO 560 00:36:38,496 --> 00:36:40,264 DE MAYO. >> Stephen. 561 00:36:40,331 --> 00:36:43,367 >> YOU GUYS GET SOME OF THIS. >> UNPLUGGING IS 562 00:36:43,434 --> 00:36:44,502 AVAILABLE ON DEMAND NOW. MATT WALSH EVERYBODY. 563 00:36:44,569 --> 00:36:48,139 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY JOY OLADOKUN. 564 00:36:53,010 --> 00:36:58,516 AND NOW, DEBUTING HER UNRELEASED SONG, "PURPLE HAZE," JOY 565 00:36:58,583 --> 00:37:05,022 OLADOKUN. 566 00:37:09,694 --> 00:37:18,202 HAVE NOTHING AT ALL 567 00:37:18,269 --> 00:37:28,479 BUT I'VE SEEN WATERS RISE 568 00:37:28,546 --> 00:37:32,483 IT'S JUST GOOD TO HAVE 569 00:37:32,550 --> 00:37:36,220 EVERYDAY THERE'S A SAD 570 00:37:36,287 --> 00:37:39,223 AND IT'S EASY TO THINK 571 00:37:39,290 --> 00:37:42,326 WE CAN MAKE IT 572 00:37:42,393 --> 00:37:46,797 CAN STAY STRONG 573 00:37:46,864 --> 00:37:52,269 IF WE HOLD ON 574 00:37:52,336 --> 00:37:56,474 SURE THERE'S 575 00:37:56,540 --> 00:38:04,181 AND THEY SAY MAYBE 576 00:38:04,248 --> 00:38:08,486 BUT I DON'T CARE 577 00:38:08,552 --> 00:38:12,223 LOVE IS ALL WE NEED 578 00:38:12,289 --> 00:38:16,494 CAME UP FROM NOTHING 579 00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:24,235 AND YOU STOOD BY MY SIDE 580 00:38:24,301 --> 00:38:28,472 IF EVER YOU FALL 581 00:38:32,877 --> 00:38:36,213 TWIST OF FATE 582 00:38:36,280 --> 00:38:42,086 NO WAY WE CAN MAKE IT 583 00:38:42,153 --> 00:38:46,557 CAN STAY STRONG THROUGH THE 584 00:38:46,624 --> 00:38:51,629 IF WE HOLD ON LONG ENOUGH TO 585 00:38:51,696 --> 00:38:54,231 SURE THERE'S 586 00:38:54,298 --> 00:39:03,274 AND THEY SAY MAYBE WE'RE RUNNING 587 00:39:03,340 --> 00:39:08,479 BUT I DON'T CARE CUZ YOU AND I 588 00:39:08,546 --> 00:39:12,817 LOVE IS ALL WE NEED TO SURVIVE 589 00:39:18,289 --> 00:39:22,293 CUZ YOU'RE DOWN FOR THE RIDE 590 00:39:26,130 --> 00:39:28,499 WE'LL GET BY 591 00:39:28,566 --> 00:39:38,342 TIL THE END OF TIMES 592 00:39:38,409 --> 00:39:42,213 OH-OH 593 00:39:42,279 --> 00:39:48,219 OH-OH 594 00:39:48,285 --> 00:39:52,523 PURPLE HAZE IN THE SKY 595 00:39:52,590 --> 00:39:56,494 MAYBE WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME 596 00:39:56,560 --> 00:40:00,798 CAUSE YOU AND I KNOW 597 00:40:00,865 --> 00:40:06,604 TO SURVIVE 598 00:40:06,670 --> 00:40:11,842 OH-OH 599 00:40:11,909 --> 00:40:16,480 TO SURVIVE 600 00:40:16,547 --> 00:40:17,581 . 601 00:40:17,648 --> 00:40:20,184 >> THANK YOU, JOY, THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL, JOY, 602 00:40:20,251 --> 00:40:23,387 JOY OLADOKUN, EVERYBODY. THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW," 603 00:40:23,454 --> 00:40:24,588 EVERYBODY. TUNE IN TOMORROW, WHEN MY GUEST 604 00:40:24,655 --> 00:40:26,624 WILL BE CHRIS O'DONNELL. GOOD NIGHT.