THE GRATEFUL DEAD ARE GETTING THEIR ON SALAD MIX.
THE BAND IS PARTNERING WITH GOTHSAL GREENS FOR A BRANDED
SALAD BLEND CALLED GRATEFUL GREENS.
THE COMPANY SAYS OTHER PARTNERSHIPS WITH ICONIC BANDS
AND MUSICIANS WILL FOLLOW. >> ENJOY YOUR MELLOW GRATEFUL
DEAD SALAD BUT WISHING YOUR LETTUCE BLEND HAD A LITTLE MORE
EDGE? INTRODUCING SLAYER SPRING MIX,
IT IS THE PERFECT SALAD TO PAIR WITH A NILE STATISTIC
VINEGARRETTE, OTHER PACKAGE SALAD MIX COMES TRIPLE ITS WASH
BUT WE EMBRACE CHAOS SO WE ONLY WASH IT TWICE.
ENJOY SLAYER SPRING MIXES BANGING BLEND OF MURDER LOVES
MESSSCRRKS UIL, CABBAGE AND HAIL SATAN.
>> THIS PICK UP SLAYER SPRING MIX TODAY, LOCALLY SOURCED IN
HELL. >> IT'S THE LATE SHOW WITH
STEPHEN COLBERT. TONIGHT DANIEL CRAIG, AND
QUESTIONERT, PLUS STEVE ENWELCOMES MATT WALSH AND
MUSICAL GUEST JOY OLADO-KUN. FEATURING JON BATISTE, AND STAY
HUMAN. AND NOW, LIVER ON TAPE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
HEY, HEY.
YOU THANKS FOR BEING HERE. .
>> WHAT'S GOING ON. GOOD TO SEE YOU, WHAT'S UP, GOOD
TO SEE I, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. HOW IS THAT LOOKING?
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL.
PLEASE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. FIRST OF ALL, LET'S START OFF
WITH A-- A HEARTFELT HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
EVERYBODY. NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE MISTAKENLY
BELIEVE THAT TODAY IS MEXICAN INDEPENDENCE DAY.
IT'S NOT. IT'S MEXICAN ST. PATRICK'S DAY.
THAT'S WHY WE DRINK GREEN MARGARITAS.
"AH, THE LUCK OF THE MEXICANS. THEY'RE AFTER ME LUCKY
BURRITOS!" STE END OF EF EVERY RAINBOW SAY
POT OF-- CINCO DE MAYO ISN'T EVEN
CELEBRATED IN ALL OF MEXICO. AND HERE IN THE U.S., IT ONLY
BEGAN TO TAKE OFF IN THE 1970s AND '80s, WHEN BREWING COMPANIES
BEGAN CAPITALIZING ON IT AS A WAY TO APPEAL TO CONSUMERS.
WOW, PROMOTING A HOLIDAY FOR
CORPORATIONS TO MAKE MONEY? THAT'S SO CRASS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. YOU KNOW, BREAKS YOUR HEART,
WELL, AT LEAST WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE ARE THE FEAST OF
ST. OCTOBERFEST. YOU KNOW WHO COULD REALLY USE A
DRINK RIGHT NOW? WALL STREET.
IT'S BEEN A CRAZY WEEK FOR THE DOWS.
IN ORDER TO TRY TO FIGHT INFLATION, YESTERDAY, THE FED
RAISED INTEREST RATES BY HALF A POINT, THE BIGGEST HIKE
SINCE 2000. OF COURSE, BACK IN THE CRASH OF
2000, STOCK BROKERS WERE ALL
>> BYE-BYE-BYE! >> AFTER YESTERDAY'S
RATE HIKE, THE MARKETS WENT UP 932 POINTS, BUT THIS MORNING,
AS ONE REPORTER DESCRIBED IT, INVESTORS WOKE UP WITH A
BINGE-TRADING HANGOVER. OH,
YOU'VE GOT TO BE CAREFUL WHEN YOU BINGE-TRADE.
OTHERWISE, YOU COULD WAKE UP NEXT TO A STOCK YOU DON'T EVEN
REMEMBER ACQUIRING. I WANT TO SAY...
SUSAN? I'M SORRY.
CITIGROUP. THEN TODAY, EVERYTHING WENT
KABLOOEY. THE DOW TUMBLED OVER 1,000
POINTS, IN THE WORST DAY OF THE YEAR, SO FAR.
ECLIPSING THE PREVIOUS WORST DAY
EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR. SPEAKING OF WORST, THERE'S BEEN
A SIGHTING OF FORMER PRESIDENT MOPEY PRICK.
THERE HE BLOWS. BLOWS.
JUST YESTERDAY, HE GAVE AN INTERVIEW
TO THE CHRISTIAN BROADCASTING NETWORK, AND MADE A PRETTY WILD
CLAIM ABOUT RELIGION. >> NOBODY HAS DONE MORE FOR
CHRISTIANITY-- NOBODY HAS DONE MORE FOR RELIGION OF ALL
TYPES, THAN ME. >> BOLD STATEMENT.
BUT HE'S RIGHT ABOUT CHRISTIANITY.
FOR FOUR YEARS, HE CERTAINLY INSPIRED ME TO SAY, "JEEEE-SUS."
REMEMBER, IT'S NOT JUST CHRISTIANITY.
HE SAID NO ONE'S DONE MORE FOR RELIGIONS OF ALL KINDS.
WHICH ALSO MAKES SENSE. HE'S GOT THE WRATH OF YAHWEH,
THE DESTRUCTIVE POWER OF SHIVA, THE B.M.I. OF THE BUDDHA, AND
THE SEXUAL ASSAULT HISTORY OF ZEUS.
HE ALSO IN ITS SAME INTERVIEW,
HE FOR SOME REASON HE ALSO BRAGGED AGAIN ABOUT THAT
OLD "PERSON-WOMAN-MAN-CAMERA-TV"
>> I DECIDED TO TAKE ONE, BECAUSE THE FAKE NEWS WAS HAVING
FUN NO MATTER WHAT YOU DID. AND I TOOK ONE.
AND YOU KNOW, IT WAS AN AMAZING THING.
THEY NOW CALL ME A DICTATOR AND OTHER THINGS, BUT THEY DON'T
CALL YOU STUPID.
>> HE THINKS WE DON'T CALL HIM STUPID?
WHAT A MORON.
HE'S BEEN BRAGGING ABOUT THIS FOR YEARS AS A REMARKABLE
ACHIEVEMENT ON WHAT HE THINK IS AN IQ TEST,
WHICH IT IS NOT. THE TEN-MINUTE TEST IS DESIGNED
TO DETECT MILD COGNITIVE IMPAIRMENT, AND INCLUDES SUCH
NAME THESE ANIMALS.
THAT'S EASY. I'
BIG-HAIR BILLY, HORNY SHEILA, AND
DR. HUMPS. ALSO, IT'S A LITTLE DISTURBING
WHEN HE SAYS HE DOESN'T MIND BEING CALLED A DICTATOR AS LONG
AS PEOPLE DON'T THINK HE'S DUMB. IT'S A LITTLE TOO CLOSE TO THAT
>> MY FASCIST RULE WILL BRING
GLORY TO ITALY! ALSO, LOOK!
I GOT TODAY'S WORDLE IN THREE! >> PASTA!
, >> IT WASN'T JUST THE
FORMER PRESIDENT. WE KEEP LEARNING DISTURBING
DETAILS ABOUT HIS ENTIRE ADMINISTRATION, COURTESY OF A
NEW BOOK BY TWO "NEW YORK TIMES" REPORTERS, THAT SAYS THAT
DURING THE 2020 CAMPAIGN, THE EX-PRESIDENT'S TEAM POLL-TESTED
THE IDEA OF EXPELLING ALL CHINESE SCIENTISTS FROM THE
U.S., AND ORDERING NATIONAL GUARD TROOPS INTO CITIES.
OKAY, THAT SOUNDS INSANE, BUT THERE'S A MADNESS TO THEIR
METHOD, BECAUSE THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S TEAM WANTED TO FIND
A POLICY THAT SPARKED THE SAME KIND OF REACTION AS HIS 2015
PLAN TO BAN MUSLIMS FROM ENTERING THE U.S.
SO, THEY WANTED WORSE POLICIES, TO INFURIATE AND TRAUMATIZE MORE
PEOPLE. THEY SHOULD'VE JUST PITCHED
"STARRING MARILYN MANSON AS BUGS BUNNY, AND THE
CAST OF 'CATS'." WE DISAGREE ABOUT SPACE CAMP
TOO. HE LIKES IT.
I HAVEN'T SEEN IT. THE POLLS WERE CONDUCTED BY
THE EX-PRESIDENT'S POLLSTER AND NIPPLE WHO WISHED TO BE A
REAL BOY... TONY FABRIZIO.
IN THE BOOK, FABRIZIO VAGUELY EXPLAINS THAT HE GOT THESE
EMAILS FROM SOME GUY NAMED JOHN, "THAT WENT ON FOR PAGES WITH
THESE CRAZY QUESTIONS. I'D SAY TO HIM, 'WHERE ARE YOU
GETTING THESE QUESTIONS FROM'?" TURNS OUT, "THESE 'PROVOCATIVE,
EVEN OUTLANDISH POLLING QUESTIONS' CAME FROM A 'FLUID'
GROUP OF OFFICIAL AND UNOFFICIAL PRESIDENTIAL AIDES."
A FLUID GROUP. SO, DEFINITELY RUDY GIULIANI.
Z WE REMEMBER. NEVER GETS OLD.
NEVER GETS OLD WE KNOW ONE MEMBER OF THE GROUP
WAS FORMER HOUSE SPEAKER NEWT GINGRICH, SEEN HERE ATTENDING
THE ANNUAL EMBALMER'S BALL. WHEN ASKED WHETHER HE HAD
PROVIDED THESE BIZARRE POLLING TOPICS, GINGRICH SAID THAT THE
REPORTING ON THE QUESTIONS LISTED ABOVE "DOESN'T SOUND
RIGHT." BUT ADDED, "WE FRANKLY LOOKED AT
LOTS AND LOTS OF STUFF." "YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENT PLEADS
NOT GUILTY, BUT SAYS IT'S TOTALLY POSSIBLE.
HE'S STABBED LOTS AND LOTS OF PEOPLE."
ANOTHER PERSON BRAINSTORMING THESE KOO-KOO-BANANAS POLLING
QUESTIONS WAS FORMER WHITE HOUSE ADVISOR STEPHE MILLER.
HE'LL BE SO HAPPY YOU REMEMBERED.
THAT EXPLAINS WHY VOTERS WERE
"WHAT IS THIS THING YOU HUMANS
CALL LOVE?" AND "I'M STARVING. ARE YOU GOING TO FINISH THAT
HAMSTER?" THIS BOOK ALSO HAS SOME NEWS
ABOUT HOUSE MINORITY LEADER AND DAD JUST RESTING HIS EYES FOR A
SEC DURING THE HIGH SCHOOL PRODUCTION OF "OUR TOWN"...
KEVIN McCARTHY. FIRST, HE WAS UNDER FIRE FOR
LEAKED AUDIO PROVING HE PLANNED TO URGE THE EX-PRESIDENT TO
RESIGN AFTER THE CAPITOL RIOT. AND NOW THERE'S MORE LEAKED
AUDIO PROVING THAT IN THE DAYS AFTER JANUARY 6, McCARTHY WAS
WILLING TO STRONGLY CONDEMN THE EX-
>> WHAT THE PRESIDENT DID IS ATROCIOUS AND TOTALLY WRONG.
>> ATROCIOUS AND TOTALLY WRONG?
HAVE SOME RESPECT, SIR! THEIR NAMES ARE DON JR. AND
ERIC! BUT THEIR NICKNAMES, THEIR PET
NAMES ARE ATROCIOUS AND TOTALLY WRONG.
BUT THE BIGGEST BOMBSHELL IS THAT McCARTHY IS HEARD ON TAPE
DISCUSSING USING THE 25th AMENDMENT TO FORCIBLY REMOVE THE
PRESIDENT, BUT WORRYING IT WOULD BE TOO SLOW.
>> I THINK THE OPTIONS BY THE DEMOCRATS THAT HAVE BEEN INCITED
SO FAR ARE THE 25th AMENDMENT, WHICH IS NOT EXACTLY AN ELEGANT
SOLUTION HERE. >> THAT TAKES TOO LONG, TOO.
>> HE WAS RIGHT. ITS 259 AMENDMENT IS
IT'S A LONG, COMPLEX PROCESS. EVERYONE KNEW THE FASTEST WAY TO
GET HIM OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE WAS WITH A BURGER ON A STRING.
THERE YOU GO.
COME ON, BABY.
EARN THAT-- BURN THAT CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS.
McCARTHY ISN'T ALONE. THE G.O.P. HAS A DEEP BENCH OF
GRIFTERS AND CON MEN. CASE IN POINT, TV CHARLATAN
DR. MEHMET OZ, SEEN HERE TAKING A PICTURE WITH HIS BIGGEST FAN.
DR. OZ IS RUNNING FOR SENATE IN PENNSYLVANIA, DESPITE THE FACT
THAT UP UNTIL HE ANNOUNCED, HE HAD BEEN LIVING IN AND FILMING
HIS SHOW IN NEW JERSEY. NEW JERSEY!
HE'S NOT A REAL PENNSYLVANIAN! I BET HE'S NEVER EVEN GOTTEN
WASTED ON YUENGLING AND TRIED TO TONGUE THE CRACK OF THE
LIBERTY BELL! CRITICS ARE ALSO QUICK TO
POINT OUT THAT DOC OZZY ALSO HAS TURKISH CITIZENSHIP, BUT HE
HAS ASSURED VOTERS THAT HE'S NEVER BEEN POLITICALLY INVOLVED
IN TURKEY IN ANY CAPACITY. TURNS OUT, AND I KNOW THIS IS
GOING TO COME AS SOMETHING OF A SHOCK, DR. OZ LIED, BECAUSE THIS
WEEK, A PICTURE EMERGED OF HIM VOTING IN THE 2018 TURKISH
ELECTION. EVEN WORSE, HE VOTED FOR JILL
STEIN! SHEM HE BE SO HPPY YOU
REMEMBERED HERE TOO. I GOT NEWS FOR YOU, MEHMET OZ.
WHEN YOU VOTE, YOU ARE POLITICALLY INVOLVED, AND,
NOT TO SQUAB-BLE, IF YOU DON'T DUCK THIS TURKEY SCANDAL YOUR
GOOSE IS COOKED, YOU CHICKEN. CORNISH GAME HEN.
TURNING TO SPORT.
NO, NO, NO, COME ON. WE GOT-- WE GOT A LONG WE GOT A
LONG NIGHT. YOU HAVE TO HAVE HIGHER STANDARD
THAN THAT. TURNING TO SPORT.
MANY TIMES I HAVE IMPLIED THAT BASEBALL IS BORING.
BECAUSE IT OFTEN IS. BASEBALL KNOWS IT.
THEY HAVE A BREAK CALLED THE SEVENTH INNING STRETCH WHEN
EVERYONE SINGS "TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME" TO REMIND THE
CROWD WHERE THEY JUST WOKE UP. BUT, BASEBALL CAME DANGEROUSLY
CLOSE TO BEING INTERESTING YESTERDAY WHEN ASTROS SECOND
BASEMEN JOSE ALTUVE WAS UP TO BAT,
>> ONE, TWO COUNT. OOOOH!
>> OH! TWO BALLS.
AND NO BALLS. BUT ALTUVE'S FINE.
IN FACT, HE ACTUALLY CONTINUED THE AT-BAT AND REGISTERED A HIT.
THAT'S SO INSPIRING. IT REMINDS ME OF THAT FAMOUS
SCENE IN "" >> IF YOU BUILD IT, HE WILL...
OWW! MY BALLS!
>> WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
MY GUEST IS MATT WALSH. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, SOME
SHOPPING IDEAS FOR MOTHER'S DAY. ALSO, DANIEL CRAIG IS HERE.
HEY, EVERYBODY. WELCOME BACK.
GIVE IT UP TO THE BAND. NOW HAPPY THURSDAY, HAPPY
THURSDAY, LOUIS. FOR THE PEOPLE WONDERING ITS
REASON WHY ARE YOU LEADING THE BAND, OUR DEER FRIEND JON
BATISTE HAS CAUGHT THE COVID, UNFORTUNATELY.
>> HE HAS. >> JON SAYS HE IS
DOING FINE, VAXXED AND BOOSTED AND ALL THAT GOOD STUVMENT WE'RE
GOING TO THINK OF YOU TONIGHT, JON, TAKE CARE.
THE SOUP SON THE WAY, MASSIVE DOSES.
I RECOMMEND A BACON SANDWICH TO GO WITH IT, THAT IS WHAT THE CDC
IS RECOMMENDING RIGHT NOW. WE LOVE YOU, TAKE CARE OF
YOURSELF. >> WE LOVE YOU, GET BETTER SOON.
>> - >> - HOPE IT DOESN'T
GET INTO THE FINGERS. NOW ALSO TONIGHT WE HAVE GOT A
COUPLE OF LOVELY GUESTS. MY DEAR AND FRIEND MATT WALSH IS
ON HERE TONIGHT. AND MR. DANIEL CRAIG WILL BE
HERE TAKING THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT.
MR. JAMES BOND HIMSELF. >> JAMES BOND.
>> FOLKS FOLKS, MOTHER'S DAY IS JUST
AROUND THE CORNER. ALSO JUST AROUND THE CORNER?
MILLIONS OF ADULT SONS ASKING THEIR SISTERS IF THEY CAN JUST
THROW THEIR NAME ON THE CARD. AND YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS
THINKING ABOUT MOTHER'S DAY GIFTS?
GOOP GURU, AND GHOST HAUNTING YOUR DENTIST'S OFFICE...
GWYNETH PALTROW. IF YOU HAVEN'T GOTTEN A GIFT FOR
YOUR MOM YET, DON'T WORRY, BECAUSE THE GOOP MOTHER'S DAY
GIFT GUIDE IS HERE TO HELP. AND SOMETHING NEW WITH THIS
YEAR'S RELEASE IS THAT THE GUIDE IS BROKEN INTO FOUR PARTS.
BECAUSE BREAKING IT INTO SMALLER PARTS MAKES IT EASIER TO JAM UP
THERE WITH YOUR JADE EGG. THE FIRST SECTION IS
-- SOME PEOPLE HAVE SEEN THE GOP GUIDE BEFORE, EVIDENTLY.
THE FIRST SECTION IS KITCHENWARE, AND IS TITLED "TO
THE ONE WHO SHOWED ME HOW TO SLICE, SHUCK, AND SPATCHCOCK."
EASY WITH THE LANGUAGE, GWYNETH! THIS IS CBS.
WE HAVE TO SAY "SPATCH-PENIS." >> MAKES IT EASIER.
MAKES IT EASIER TO GRILL. THE KITCHEN SECTION FEATURES
POTS AND OVEN MITTS, BUT ALSO, FOR SOME REASON, A SPECIAL
COMMISSION PASTEL PORTRAIT OF YOUR CHILD FOR $4,300.
A GREAT GIFT FOR ANY MOTHER WHO ASPIRES FOR THEIR CHILD TO
ONE DAY BE A PHANTASM TERRORIZING A 19th CENTURY
ORPHANAGE. ANOTHER SECTION FROM GWYNETH'S
GOOP GUIDE IS CALLED "TO THE ONE WHO DOES FLOWER ACID WHILE
LISTENING TO THE GOOP PODCAST." SOUNDS PROVOCATIVE, BUT TURNS
OUT, "FLOWER ACID" IS THE NAME OF GOOP'S FACIAL TONER.
WHICH MEANS THIS SECTION IS PRODUCTS FOR PEOPLE USING THEIR
PRODUCTS WHILE LISTENING TO A PODCAST ABOUT THEIR PRODUCTS.
THEY'VE REALLY GOT THEIR HEAD UP THEIR OWN PRODUCT HOLE.
AGAIN, NOT EASY WITH THAT JADE EGG UP THERE.
THE SECTION FEATURES THE "HIGHER DOSE RED LIGHT FACE MASK," WHICH
WILL SET YOU BACK $299. PERFECT FOR THE MOM WHO WANTS
HER SKIN TO LOOK PRISTINE FOR THE MURDERS SHE COMMITS WHILE
WEARING IT. AND,
IF THAT MASK ISN'T RIGHT FOR YOUR MOM, YOU CAN ALSO GET HER
THIS CHAKRA BRACELET MADE OF MOONSTONE BEADS AND FINISHED
WITH DIAMONDS, FOR A NIFTY $7,770.
YES, A CHAKRA BRACELET. TO HELP YOU REMEMBER THE SECOND
"THE ROOT OF SUFFERING IS ATTACHMENT,
UNLESS YOU'RE ATTACHED TO A DIAMOND BRACELET WITH SOMETHING
CALLED 'MOONSTONE BEADS.' WHAT ARE THOSE?
WHO CARES? I'M A SHINY BUDDHA, BITCH!"
ANOTHER SECTION IS DEDICATED TO A SPECIAL KIND OF MOM
ANOTHER SECTION IS DEDICATED TO
"THE ONE WHO PICKED UP WHERE SEX ED LEFT OFF."
NOT JUST A GIFT GUIDE-- ALSO A POPULAR CATEGORY ON
PORNHUB. THIS SEX-POSITIVE MOM SECTION
CONTAINS AN ALARMING EIGHT VIBRATORS.
WHICH I'M SURE WILL BRING BACK MEMORIES OF WHEN YOU WERE IN
KINDERGARTEN AND MADE HER THAT MACARONI VIBRATOR.
REMEMBER, YOU'RE UPSET AT GWYNETH PALTROW, NOT ME, THESE
ARE HERE IDEAS. THIS SECTION ALSO INCLUDES
-- WE KID. THIS SECTION ALSO INCLUDES
ARTIPOPPE'S ZEITGEIST BABY CARRIER, WHICH GOES FOR $787.
A GREAT PRESENT FOR ANY MOM WHO NEEDS TO CARRY AN INFANT.
OR EIGHT VIBRATORS. WELL, I'M SORRY, BUT I BELIEVE
MOTHER'S DAY SHOULD NOT BE ABOUT GIVING YOUR MONEY TO
GWYNETH PALTROW. SHE'S NOT YOUR MOTHER.
BUT NEITHER AM I, SO WHY NOT GIVE ME YOUR MONEY?
THIS IS THE 2022 MOTHER'S DAY GIFT GUIDE FROM MY LIFESTYLE
BRAND, COVETTON HOUSE. S S S
>> BAROQUE SIMPLICITY. SHABBY ELEGANCE.
GIVE ME MONEY. COVETTON HOUSE.
>> WELCOME. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. WELCOME TO THE COVETTON MOTHER'S
DAY GIFT GUIDE. THIS YEAR, I'VE DIVIDED MY GUIDE
INTO CATEGORIES, LIKE MY KITCHENWARE SECTION, "TO
THE ONE WHO SHOWED ME HOW TO MICROWAVE, GRUBHUB, AND
SCREAM AT THE HELP." OBVIOUSLY, OUR KITCHENWARE
SECTION FEATURES CUSTOM PORTRAITURE, AND WHAT MOM
WOULDN'T LOVE THIS ONE-OF-A-KIND PAINTING OF HER CHILD IN A
STAINED NIGHTGOWN CRAWLING OUT OF A WELL.
$5,800. ANOTHER SECTION IS "TO THE ONE
WHO COVETTONS WHILE COVETTONING THEIR COVETTON IN AN
"INCEPTION-LIKE COVETTON MIND-PRISON."
IT OFFERS INNOVATIVE SKIN CARE PRODUCTS, LIKE THIS AUTHENTIC
HANNIBAL LECHTER-BRAND MOISTURIZING MASK.
REJUVENATE YOUR SKIN WHILE YOU SLEEP.
COMES WITH A TASER FOR YOUR PARTNER TO CLUTCH WHILE LAYING
NEXT TO YOU IN TERROR. $3,000.
YES.
AND WE'VE GOT OUR NEW SECTION, "TO THE ONE WHO CHAPERONED MY
FIRST 'EYES WIDE SHUT' SEX PARTY."
EIGHT VIBRATORS ARE GREAT, BUT THAT'S A NIGHT OF SOCKS-ON
MISSIONARY COMPARED TO OUR COVETTON PORK-PALACE
SEX-ATORIUM. $25,000.99.
THIS CONVERTED SHIPPING CONTAINER-TURNED-SEXUAL
FANTASY LAND WILL BE PARKED IN YOUR MOM'S DRIVEWAY, AND
COMES FULLY STOCKED WITH SEX SWINGS, A BABY CARRIAGE FULL OF
NIPPLE CLAMPS, AND JASON MOMOA DUCT-TAPED TO A COT.
THIS IS YOUR DAY, MOM. SO, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY FROM
COVETTON HOUSE. MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS,
BUT THAT WON'T STOP US FROM SELLING IT.
WHEN WE COME BACK, DANIEL CRAIG TAKES THE "COLBERT QUESTIONERT."
STICK AROUND.
>> WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW.
I'M HERE WITH DAB YELL CRAIG, IT'S ALWAYS A PLEASURE TO YOU
HAVE HERE AT THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER ON THE LATE SHOW, EVEN
THOUGH I CAN SAFELY SAY YOU AND I ARE VERY GOOD FRIENDS, THE
THING IS WHEN WE SPEND THIS TIME TOGETHER IT'S ONLY A 10, 15
MINUTES AT A TIME AND WE DON'T GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER AS WELL
AS, WELL, CERTAINLY AS WELL AS YOU DESERVE AND AS WELL AS I
WOULD LIKE. >> RIGHT.
>> AND THIS HAPPENS OFTEN WITH THE BIGGEST STARS
THAT I HAVE ON. THERE IS SO MUCH I WANT TO KNOW,
SO MUCH DEPTH I WANT TO PLUM WITH MY QUESTIONK YET THERE IS
NO TIME. SO THE SCIENTISTS IN THE LATE
SHOW LAB CAME UP WITH 15 QUESTIONS.
AT THE END OF WHICH, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT THE CHALLENGE
OF WHAT HAS BEEN CALLED THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT, YOU WILL BE
FULLY KNOWN. ARE YOU PREPARED TO TAKE THE
QUESTIONERT? >> YES DANIEL CRAIG, FIRST
QUESTION WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH.
>> BACON LETTUCE AND TOMORROW ATO.
>> THAT ANYTHING LIKE A BACON LET US AND TO
NATE-- TOMATO SANDWICH, SIMILAR. WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU KNOWN
THAT YOU SHOULD REALLY THROW OUT?
>> OH GOD, THAT'S HARD SRS YOU ARE A BIT OF A PACK RAT, KEEP A
LOT OF THINGS. >> I DO.
I KIND OF HAVE, LIKE, EVERYTHING-- THAT I KEPT.
>> SO THERE IS AT LEAST 24 HOURS ONCE A YEAR THAT
YOU ARE STARK NAKED IS WHAT ARE YOU SAYING.
>> AT LEAST THIS HOURS. >> SO CLOTHES.
>> CLOTHES. >> WHAT IS THE
SCARIEST ANIMAL? >> OH, THAT IS A SURPRISE, I
DON'T KNOW, WHAT IS THE SCARIEST ANIMAL.
>> PROBABLY A-- DEPENDS WHERE YOU ARE.
>> I IMAGINE YOU COULD BE ANYWHERE ON THE PLANET,
WHERE, WHAT ANIMAL. >> AM I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THESE
QUICKLY. >> NO E OH, NO, NO,
THE LONG THER TAKES, THE LESS HAVE I TO DO ON WHATEVER SHOW
THIS BROADCASTS ON. >> OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
SCARIEST ANIMAL, OH, LIKE A BLACK MAMBA SNAKE.
>> EVIDENTLY THEY SMELL TERRIBLE TOO.
>> DO THEY? >> YEAH, THAT'S WHAT
I HEARD REASONS REALLY, THAT SAY BAD WRAP.
>> APPLES OR ORANGES WITHIN ORANGES.
>> OKAY. WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN
WE DIE? >> OH GREAT.
>> NOTHING, WE BECOME STARS. >> YOU SHOULD PUT OUT
A SERIES OF MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS.
>> I HAVE GOT A JOB AT THE MOMENT.
>> THIS IS A TUCHY FOR YOU, FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE.
>> THE FIRST INDIANA JONES. >> WINDOW OR AISLE.
>> AISLE. >> GOOD MAN, GOOD
MAN. WHY AISLE?
>> THE TOILET. >> THAT'S RIGHT.
DON'T WANT TO WAIT FOR ANYBODY TO GET UP.
FAVORITE SMELL. >> MY KID.
>> LEAST FAVORITES SMELL.
>> WELL, MY KIDS. >> TWO SOISD OF THE
SAME COIN. MOST USED APP ON YOUR PHONE.
>> OH I CAN'T PLAY GUITAR BECAUSE I CAN'T COUNT BUT I NEED
A TUNER SO I USE THE TUNER, TO TUNE IT.
>> CATS OR DOGS. >> BOTH.
>> ALL RIGHT. YOU ONLY GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN
TO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT IS IT?
>> WOW. I DON'T KNOW, THAT IS REALLY
HARD. LOVE AND AFFECTION.
>> WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF.
>> FOUR. >> NO.
DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS.
>> -- . >> THOSE REALLIES
RULE, DANIEL, THANK YOU SO MUCH, YOU ARE FULLY KNOWN.
DANIEL CRAIG, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. THANK YOU, MAN.
>> HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN--
>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
YOU KNOW MY NEXT GUEST FROM "BROOKLYN NINE NINE" AND "VEEP."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," MATT WALSH!
HEY.
>> HI STEPHEN. >> NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> NICE TO SEE YOU, GLAD ARE YOU HEALTHY.
>> THE THING PEOPLE DON'T KNOW, WERE YOU SUPPOSED TO
BE HERE A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, WERE YOU ONE OF MY GUESTS THAT
WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE WHEN I TESTED POSITIVE.
YOU JUST FLEW TO NEW YORK JUST FOR THE SHOI, RIGHT.
>> YEAH, BUT I MADE A NIGHT OF IT.
I WENT TO BOUGHT THE CHEAPEST SEAT IS COULD FIND, SAW GREAT
WORLD-CLASS THEATER AND WALKED HOME IN THE MIDST OF THE POST
PHISH CONCERT NITROUS OXIDE PARTY THAT WAS HAPPENING.
>> SORRY, WHAT. >> POST FISH, EVERYBODY DOES
NITROUS BALLOONS. >> OUTSIDE THE
GARDEN. >> OUTSIDE MADISON SQUARE
GARDEN, LIKE WHAT A GREAT GIFT, THEY GIVE YOU A BALLOON AND I
SAW PEOPLE GOING-- AND THEN I'M LIKE OH ST NITROUS, LIKE THE
PARTY IS GOING. >> DID YOU ENJOY IT.
>> I DON'T, I DON'T. >> GOODS BECAUSE ST
BAD. >> BAD FOR YOUR BRAIN CELLS.
>> DON'T DO IT. >> FOR ANYBODY WATCHING, DON'T
DO IT. >> YEAH.
>> THE SHOW IS REALLY HELPFUL FOR AMERICA. DON'T DO WHIP-ITS.
>> IF THERE IS ONE THING.
>> IF NOTHING ELSE, THE DOG OR THE DRUGS DON'T DO WHIP IT Z.
>> IF I CAN KEEP ONE PEOPLE OUT THERE FROM TAKING A
READY WHIP CAN, LET IT SETTLE FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS AND
NOT-- LIKE THAT, DON'T. >> KEEP YOUR BRAIN CELLS,
AMERICA. >> NOW YOU BECAME A
PET OWNER OVER COVID. A LOT OF PEOPLE DID.
BUT YOU COULDN'T GET LIKE A DOG OR A CAT TO SAVE YOUR LIFE,
EVERY SHELTER HAD EVERYTHING ADOPTED.
SO YOU TOOK A CHOICE THAT MAYBE NOT THE FIRST FOR EVERYBODY.
YOU CAN TELL ME WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?
WHAT. >> I GOT INTO RAISING CHICKENS.
>> AND THEY MAKE GOOD PETS.
>> THEY ARE PRETTY GOOD PETS AND YOU GET EGGS FROM THEM.
THE TWO ROOST ERRS, THE BRACK ONE IS CALLED MR. PANTALOON, A
POLISH SILKY. >> THAT SAY SILKY.
>> YEAH, YOU KNOW YOUR CHICKENS. >> SURE.
>> AND THE ONE BEHIND HIM IS SCRAWNY, HE IS SORT OF THE BETA
SO THE BLACK ONE IS THE DOMINANT AND SCRAWNY IS THE SECOND.
>> TELL ME ABOUT THE OTHER CHICKENS.
>> I COULDN'T NAME THEM. THEY ARE JUST HENS.
THEY ARE IDENTICAL. >> WHAT?
>> ALL FEMALE CHICKENS ARE THE SAME TO YOU.
>> THEY DON'T HAVE ANY DISTINGISHED-- WHATEVER, MAN.
JUST GIVE ME MY EGGS.
NOW I'M IN TROUBLE. >> ARE YOU IN
TROUBLE, TIME TO CANCEL MATT WALSH.
>> THEY DON'T HAVE A LOT OF DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS
IN MY DEFENSE. I CHALLENGE YOU TO FIND A
DIFFERENCE. >> BETWEEN CHICKENS.
>> YEAH. >> ALL RIGHT, BRING
THEM OVER. >> ALL RIGHT, I WILL.
>> LEAVE ME ALONE FOR AWHILE, GIVE ME A MINUTE.
>> CAN WE GET SOME LEMON, SOME OLIVE OIL AND I WILL FIND A
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THESE CHICKENS.
>> YEAH, YEAH. >> I MEAN, IS IT FUN
TO HAVE CHICKENS, DO YOU FEEL LIKE A FARMER.
>> I DO. AND MY WIFE DIDN'T LIKE IT AT
FIRST BECAUSE I BUILT THE COOP MYSELF IN THE BEGINNING BUT IT
WAS TOO JANGY AND SHANTDY TOWN SHE SAID GET RID OF IT, ORDER A
REAL ONE. >> WAS IT BETTER.
>> MUCH BETTER. >> DO YOU HAVE THE
KIND THAT ROLLS AROUND, DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE LAWN.
>> ST PERMANENT. WE HAVE A FENCE.
>> TO KEEP OUT THE WOLVES.
>> WE DO HAVE COYOTES IN L.A. >> I COULD
TEAR-- COYOTES HERE EVERYWHERE, THERE IS COYOTES IN BROOKLYN.
>> REALLY. >> PARDON MY FRENCH
BUT COYOTES EVERYWHERE IN THE UNITED STATES.
>> NOT IN MANHATTAN. >> THERE ARE COYOTES
OUTSIDE THIS THEATER RIGHT NOW, WAITING, WAITING TO PICK OFF
SOME OF THE STRAG ELLERS IN THIS ODD YINS, THEY HIT THEM IN THE
ANKLE, MOVE IN AND JUST TEAR THEM APART.
>> THEY COME IN ON TRASH NIGHT, THEY KNOW WHEN FRASH NIGHT S
OVER THE BRIDGE. >> EXACTLY.
WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT WHEN WE COME BACK I WILL ASK
MATT ABOUT WORKING WITH EVAN -- EVA LONGORIA AND HER
CHICKENS.
>> A LITTLE OF DISCOVERY ABOUT THE SHOW.
>> I WANT TO LEARN ABOUT YOUR PROCESS.
HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE BACK WITH OUR DEAR FRIEND MATTED WALSH.
THE NEW MOVIE, LET'S GETS TO THE NEW MOVIE.
LET'S MOVE SOME TICKETS HERE. >> YEAH.
>> OKAY, NOW IT'S CALLED.
>> YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT ST.
>> THE MOVIE IS CALLED UNPLUGGING.
YOU WROTE THIS THING, WITH EVA LONGORIA, WHAT IS IT ABOUT.
>> ABOUT A COUPLE WHO DECIDES TO RECONNECT, THEY'RE GOING TO PUT
THEIR DEVICES DOWN FOR A WEEKEND AND GO INTO NATURE STVMENT NOT A
HORROR, IT'S A COMEDY. >> EVA LONGORIA IS A
VERY IMPRESSIVE PERSON. BEFORE I HAD EVER MET HER, WHAT
DO WE HAVE HERE. >> SO EVA IS A FRIEND AND I SAID
I'M GOING TO SEE STEPHEN WA, SAY GOOD SINKERO DE MAYO GIFT, SHE'S
MEXICAN. AND SHE SAID WHY DON'T YOU GIVE
HIM SOME OF MY TEQUILA. SO SHE SENT ALONG WITH ME SOME
OF HER OWN TEQUILA. AND DO YOU HAVE A CELEBRITY
PRODUCT. >> WHAT.
>> YOU KNOW LIKE-- . >> I HAVE AN ICE
CREAM. >> YOU DO.
>> MNE IS FOR CHARITY UNLIKE CLOONEY WHO
POCKETS EVERYTHING. >> I MIGHT HAVE LIKE-- YEAH.
>> GEORGE. >> I MIGHT HAVE A STAIN REMOVE
STICK, THAT IS ABOUT THE ONLY THING I COULD ENDORSE.
>> THAT'S FANTASTIC, DO YOU WANT THE LIMES.
>> I LIKE TO STIFF IT, I DO, REALLY, BUT I WILL HAVE A LIME.
>> NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, THAT, I DON'T
KNOW WHY. >> ARE YOU CURSING A LOT.
IS THAT ONE OF THE SIDE EFFECTS OF COVID, CURSING.
>> I THINK BECAUSE I HAVE KNOWN YOU FROM MY 20BGS
THAT IS WHY I AM DROPPING SO MANY F BOMBS, THERE YOU GO.
>> AND THE BAND CAN HAVE THE REST.
>> THAT IS FANTASTIC. THE BAND-- NO, NO, NO.
>> YOU ARE GOING TO KEEP IT. >> I'M ALREADY DOWN.
>> COME ON! >> I'M ALREADY DOWN
ONE BAND LEADER, WE HAVE TO PROTHECT THEM.
WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE CLIP. >> IT THE CAR AND WE JUST LEFT
THE BAR IN THIS CRAZY TOWN IN DOWN STATE INDIANA AND MEET ONE
OF THE LOCALS WHO WAS A LITTLE FRIENDLY AT FIRST AND KIND OF
REGRETTING GETTING IN THE CAR WITH THE THE LOCAL.
>> GOOD FOR YOU, YOU SOUND FOUND PEACE OUT HERE BNS MY ANALOG
LIFE WAS WORKING OUT JUST FINE BUT THIS NEW DIGITAL WEB LIFE,
WELL, IT DROVE ME TO DRINK. >> SMACK THE DRUG.
>> ONCE THEY GOT YOU, THEY DON'T LET YOU, YOU START TO NEED THOSE
LIKES AND THOSE FOLLOWS AND BRANDED CONTENT.
THEN YOU SEARCH ONE TIME FOR THERMAL SOCKS, AND PRETTY SOON
YOU'RE GETTING BURIED IN SOCK ADS.
>> WHO IS THIS? >> THIS IS LULU IS.
>> HI LULU. >> SHE DOESN'T TALK, SHE'S A
RACCOON. >> THAT WAS-- IS THAT
AN AN, MATRONIC COUNTRY BEAR JAM BOREE.
>> THAT SAY REAL RACCOON, AND WHEN YOU WORK WITH ANIMALS T IS
ALWAYS, ST POTLUCK, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO GET
AND THE DAY WE SHOWED UP THE RACCOON WRANGLER SAID NOT A GOOD
DAY, WE SAID WHAT'S GOING ON. THE RACCOON WASN'T HAVING A GOOD
DAY. >> NO, SHE JUST SAID US TO NOT A
GOOD DAY, SHE WAS NOT, THE WRANGLER SAID THAT, WE ARE LIKE
WHY, SHE WAS LIKE WELL, THAT TRUCK WE'RE FILMING IN WAS OWNED
BY A SMOKER AND RACCOONS HATE CIGARETTE SMOKE SO THE RACCOON
IS NOT IN A GOOD MOOD ALREADY. SO-- .
>> DID THE RACCOON COME AT YOU.
>> I WAS A FRAIFD THE RACCOON, YOU CAN SEE REAL FEAR, BECAUSE
ST CLIMBING ON YOU. >> RAND IT CAN SMELL
THE CHICKENS. >> RACCOONS LOVE CHICKENS,
POSOMS, EVERYBODY LOVES CHICKENS.
THE MINUTE YOU GET CHICKENS EVERYBODY IS COMING OVER THE
FENCE. >> TO HIM YOU ARE
JUST A BIG CHICKEN. >> YEAH, PROBABLY.
>> THEY ARE ALSO ARABIES VECTOR, HAVE YOU HAD
YOURSELF CHECK THED OUT. >> I DID NOT GET BIT AND I ALSO
HANDLED A SKUNK IN THE MOVIE, I LIKE SKUNKS BETTER THAN
RACCOONS, SKUNKS ARE FRIN LEE HER AND CHICKEN, HI EVA HANDLE A
CHING, I DON'T PICK UP CHICK EVERYONE'S I AM AFRAID I WILL
HURT TELL. >> YOU GO FROM THE
HEAD DOWN. >> YOU HAVE TO PUSH THE WINGS
AND THEY LIKE THE TUCK. >> YOU THIS THEY ARE FRAGILE
FEELING YOU FEEL LIKE COULD YOU BREAK THEM.
>> BUT THEN DON'T. >> THAT IS WHY I DON'T.
>> IT IS UP TO THEM, JUST DON'T BREAK THE CHICKEN.
>> I DON'T KNOW MY STRENGTH LIKE GEORGE THE RABBIT.
>> YEAH. LET'S END ON THAT.
>> OKAY. OF MIESES AND MEN, HAPPY CINQO
DE MAYO. >> Stephen.
>> YOU GUYS GET SOME OF THIS. >> UNPLUGGING IS
AVAILABLE ON DEMAND NOW. MATT WALSH EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY JOY OLADOKUN.
AND NOW, DEBUTING HER UNRELEASED SONG, "PURPLE HAZE," JOY
OLADOKUN.
HAVE NOTHING AT ALL
BUT I'VE SEEN WATERS RISE
IT'S JUST GOOD TO HAVE
EVERYDAY THERE'S A SAD
AND IT'S EASY TO THINK
WE CAN MAKE IT
CAN STAY STRONG
IF WE HOLD ON
SURE THERE'S
AND THEY SAY MAYBE
BUT I DON'T CARE
LOVE IS ALL WE NEED
CAME UP FROM NOTHING
AND YOU STOOD BY MY SIDE
IF EVER YOU FALL
TWIST OF FATE
NO WAY WE CAN MAKE IT
CAN STAY STRONG THROUGH THE
IF WE HOLD ON LONG ENOUGH TO
SURE THERE'S
AND THEY SAY MAYBE WE'RE RUNNING
BUT I DON'T CARE CUZ YOU AND I
LOVE IS ALL WE NEED TO SURVIVE
CUZ YOU'RE DOWN FOR THE RIDE
WE'LL GET BY
TIL THE END OF TIMES
OH-OH
PURPLE HAZE IN THE SKY
MAYBE WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME
CAUSE YOU AND I KNOW
TO SURVIVE
OH-OH
TO SURVIVE
.
>> THANK YOU, JOY, THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL, JOY,
JOY OLADOKUN, EVERYBODY. THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW,"
EVERYBODY. TUNE IN TOMORROW, WHEN MY GUEST
WILL BE CHRIS O'DONNELL. GOOD NIGHT.