1 00:00:01,468 --> 00:00:02,635 IN HIS NEW BOOK FORMER 2 00:00:02,702 --> 00:00:05,505 SECRETARY OF DEFENSE MARK ESPER SAYS THAT TRUMP COMPLAINED THE 3 00:00:05,572 --> 00:00:13,513 U.S. NAVY SHIPS LOOKED UGLY, WRITING, "IT'S THE FIRST ANNUAL 4 00:00:13,580 --> 00:00:19,486 MISS( )USA BATTLESHIP CONTEST... 5 00:00:19,552 --> 00:00:25,492 >> BUT THE FORMER PRESIDENT DID HAVE A SUGGESTION TO FIX THIS 6 00:00:25,558 --> 00:00:28,895 PROBLEM. >> IT'S THE FIRST ANNUAL MISS 7 00:00:28,962 --> 00:00:31,664 U.S.A. BATTLESHIP CONTEST. ♪ THERE SHE IS -- ♪ 8 00:00:31,731 --> 00:00:37,036 >> -- FEATURING CONTESTANTS FROM ALL THE STATES, LIKE MISS U.S.S. 9 00:00:37,103 --> 00:00:44,677 TEXAS, MISS U.S.S. MAINE, BEIN 10 00:00:44,744 --> 00:00:46,045 JUDGED ON THE CATEGORIES OF EVENING GOWN, SWIMSUIT, AND, OF 11 00:00:46,112 --> 00:00:49,516 COURSE, TALENT! IT'S ALL HAPPENING TONIGHT, ON 12 00:00:49,582 --> 00:00:55,021 THE MISS U.S.A. BATTLESHIP CONTEST! 13 00:00:55,088 --> 00:01:02,996 >> I'M SO HAPPY! I CAN'T BELIEVE I WON! 14 00:01:03,062 --> 00:01:07,634 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT! 15 00:01:07,700 --> 00:01:14,240 TONIGHT, SINGING IN UKRAINE. PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES SECRETARY 16 00:01:14,307 --> 00:01:22,949 MARK ESPER AND JUDD APATOW. FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY 17 00:01:23,016 --> 00:01:29,255 HUMAN." AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE 18 00:01:29,322 --> 00:01:35,962 ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 19 00:01:36,029 --> 00:01:39,632 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Announcer: HELLO 20 00:01:39,699 --> 00:01:44,304 >> Stephen: HELLO! HELLO! 21 00:01:44,370 --> 00:01:54,380 OH. SO NICE TO SEE YOU. 22 00:01:54,447 --> 00:01:57,784 HELLO. GOOD TO SEE YOU. 23 00:01:57,851 --> 00:02:01,321 HELLO. WHAT'S UP? 24 00:02:01,387 --> 00:02:02,422 HELLO. HAPPY MONDAY. 25 00:02:02,489 --> 00:02:05,992 WELCOME ONE AND ALL. THANK YOU, MARCUS, VERY KIND. 26 00:02:06,059 --> 00:02:11,164 THANK YOU, SIR. WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." 27 00:02:11,231 --> 00:02:20,306 I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 28 00:02:20,373 --> 00:02:25,778 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I AM BACK, BABY! 29 00:02:25,845 --> 00:02:26,513 COVID -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 30 00:02:26,579 --> 00:02:29,182 COME ON! TWO TIMES! 31 00:02:29,249 --> 00:02:32,952 COVID'S NOT GONNA KEEP THIS GUY DOWN... MORE THAN TWICE. 32 00:02:33,019 --> 00:02:34,587 HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: I HAD COVID, I GOT OVER COVID, THEN 33 00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:39,492 COVID STAGED A GRITTY REBOOT IN MY LUNGS. 34 00:02:39,559 --> 00:02:45,331 BUT I'M BACK AND I'M HAPPY TO BE BACK. 35 00:02:45,398 --> 00:02:49,235 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I MISS THESE LOVELY PEOPLE. 36 00:02:49,302 --> 00:02:53,339 MISS Y'ALL. WHILE I'M HAPPY TO BE BACK, I'M 37 00:02:53,406 --> 00:02:55,675 SAD TO SAY THAT THE NUMBER ONE STORY TODAY IS NOT ONLY TRAGIC, 38 00:02:55,742 --> 00:03:00,380 IT IS TRAGICALLY COMMON. BECAUSE THE ATTACK IN BUFFALO 39 00:03:00,446 --> 00:03:04,551 THIS WEEKEND IS NOT THE FIRST OVERTLY RACIST MASS SHOOTING 40 00:03:04,617 --> 00:03:07,654 THIS COUNTRY HAS WITNESSED IN RECENT YEARS. 41 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:09,556 IT'S A TRULY HORRIFIC CRIME, AND OF COURSE, OUR HEARTS ARE WITH 42 00:03:09,622 --> 00:03:13,326 THE VICTIMS, THEIR FAMILIES, AND THEIR COMMUNITY: IN THIS CASE, A 43 00:03:13,393 --> 00:03:16,563 PREDOMINANTLY BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD THAT THE SUSPECT TARGETED AFTER 44 00:03:16,629 --> 00:03:19,666 SPELLING OUT HIS MOTIVATIONS IN AN ONLINE RANT WHERE HE REFERRED 45 00:03:19,732 --> 00:03:24,537 TO SOMETHING CALLED 'REPLACEMENT THEORY,' A WHITE SUPREMACIST 46 00:03:24,604 --> 00:03:28,608 CONSPIRACY BASED ON THE IDEA THAT WHITE PEOPLE WILL BE 47 00:03:28,675 --> 00:03:33,580 REPLACED BY PEOPLE OF COLOR. OBVIOUSLY, IT'S RACIST AND 48 00:03:33,646 --> 00:03:38,518 CRAZY. ALSO, IF YOU THINK WHITE PEOPLE 49 00:03:38,585 --> 00:03:45,158 ARE BEING REPLACED, THEN WHO'S SHOPPING AT VINEYARD VINES? 50 00:03:45,224 --> 00:03:47,126 ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A QUALITY PRODUCT. 51 00:03:47,193 --> 00:03:51,798 DON'T GET ME WRONG. SO WHERE DOES SOMEONE GET AN 52 00:03:51,864 --> 00:03:53,733 IDEA THAT MONSTROUS? WELL, IT USED TO BE ONLY FROM 53 00:03:53,800 --> 00:04:01,674 THE FARTHEST RIGHT FRINGE ORGANIZATIONS -- YOUR 54 00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:04,043 STORMFRONTS, YOUR NEO-NAZIS. BUT THESE DAYS YOU CAN SEE IT 55 00:04:04,110 --> 00:04:05,745 EVERY NIGHT ON TV, THANKS TO FOX NEWS HOST AND DEER CAUGHT 56 00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:09,182 MASTURBATING IN THE HEADLIGHTS, TUCKER CARLSON. 57 00:04:09,248 --> 00:04:11,517 ( LAUGHTER ) ACCORDING TO THE NEW YORK TIMES, 58 00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:15,655 REPLACEMENT THEORY IS A CENTRAL THEME ON TUCKER'S SHOW. 59 00:04:15,722 --> 00:04:17,690 THEIR INVESTIGATION FOUND THAT HIS PRODUCERS SOMETIMES SCOURED 60 00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:20,593 HIS SHOW'S RAW MATERIAL FROM THE SAME DARK CORNERS OF THE 61 00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:25,198 INTERNET THAT THE BUFFALO SUSPECT DID. 62 00:04:25,264 --> 00:04:29,002 NOW, THAT DOESN'T MEAN TUCKER'S RESPONSIBLE, BUT I WOULD HOPE IT 63 00:04:29,068 --> 00:04:33,206 WOULD GIVE ANYONE PAUSE TO FIND OUT THAT THEIR BROWSER HISTORY 64 00:04:33,272 --> 00:04:35,541 MATCHES THAT OF A MASS MURDERER. IF I FOUND OUT THAT JEFFREY 65 00:04:35,608 --> 00:04:41,114 DAHMER WAS REALLY INTO "THE LORD OF THE RINGS," I MIGHT SWITCH 66 00:04:41,180 --> 00:04:42,649 OVER TO THE "NARNIA" STUFF. ( LAUGHTER ) 67 00:04:42,715 --> 00:04:48,354 OKAY, LET'S GO VISIT LION JESUS. ( LAUGHTER ) 68 00:04:48,421 --> 00:04:53,226 ALTHOUGH IT SOUNDS CRAZY, RECENT POLLS SHOW 50% OF REPUBLICANS 69 00:04:53,292 --> 00:04:56,462 AGREE WITH THIS GARBAGE. NOT JUST BECAUSE IT'S BEING 70 00:04:56,529 --> 00:04:59,565 MAINSTREAMED BY FOX NEWS, BUT BECAUSE IT'S BEING MAINSTREAMED 71 00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:05,204 BY HIGH-RANKING REPUBLICANS, LIKE GOP CONFERENCE CHAIR AND 72 00:05:05,271 --> 00:05:09,008 JUDGE MAKING A TODDLER CRY AT THE TALENT SHOW, ELISE STEFANIK. 73 00:05:09,075 --> 00:05:11,544 IN A SERIES OF FACEBOOK ADS LATE LAST YEAR, STEFANIK'S CAMPAIGN 74 00:05:11,611 --> 00:05:12,812 CLAIMED THAT RADICAL DEMOCRATS' PLAN TO GRANT AMNESTY TO 11 75 00:05:12,879 --> 00:05:16,749 MILLION ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS WILL OVERTHROW OUR CURRENT ELECTORATE 76 00:05:16,816 --> 00:05:18,718 AND CREATE A PERMANENT LIBERAL MAJORITY IN WASHINGTON. 77 00:05:18,785 --> 00:05:22,455 OOH, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THOSE LIBERALS WILL DO WITH THEIR 78 00:05:22,522 --> 00:05:26,459 POWERFUL MAJORITY? BEG JOE MANCHIN FOR PAID FAMILY 79 00:05:26,526 --> 00:05:30,430 LEAVE, AND THEN WHEN HE DOESN'T VOTE FOR IT, SAY, OH, OKAY THEN 80 00:05:30,496 --> 00:05:32,498 IS THERE SOMETHING ELSE WE COULD DO FOR YOU? 81 00:05:32,565 --> 00:05:37,770 WHAT IF WE FED COAL DIRECTLY TO DOLPHINS? 82 00:05:37,837 --> 00:05:41,841 SO, THAT'S TERRIBLE. BUT HERE'S SOMETHING I DON'T GET 83 00:05:41,908 --> 00:05:44,777 TO SAY A LOT: THERE'S GOOD NEWS FROM EASTERN EUROPE. 84 00:05:44,844 --> 00:05:50,450 'CUZ OVER THE WEEKEND, UKRAINE WON THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST. 85 00:05:50,516 --> 00:05:56,789 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH. 86 00:05:56,856 --> 00:06:00,993 "SLAVA UKRAINE," WHICH OF COURSE, MEANS, "SUCK IT, PUTIN," 87 00:06:01,060 --> 00:06:06,432 BECAUSE RUSSIA WAS BANNED FROM EUROVISION. 88 00:06:06,499 --> 00:06:10,369 BIG BUMMER FOR RUSSIA'S TOP RAPPER MEGAN THE POTATO. 89 00:06:10,436 --> 00:06:12,572 ( LAUGHTER ) THE WINNING ENTRY WAS A SONG 90 00:06:12,638 --> 00:06:14,440 FROM THE UKRAINIAN BAND, KALUSH ORCHESTRA. 91 00:06:14,507 --> 00:06:22,448 LET'S SEE THE WINNERS IN ACTION. ♪♪ 92 00:06:22,515 --> 00:06:37,396 ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 93 00:06:37,463 --> 00:06:37,997 ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 94 00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:39,999 COME ON! COME ON! 95 00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:43,703 BRINGING IT! >> Jon: HE'S GOT A VIBE! 96 00:06:43,770 --> 00:06:46,439 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT IS MY 97 00:06:46,506 --> 00:06:51,077 FAVORITE KIND OF, I WANNA SAY, FOLKRAP-E.D.M.-FLUTE-BASED-HOBBI 98 00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:58,050 T ROCK. I WAS SO INSPIRED THAT TODAY, I 99 00:06:58,117 --> 00:07:02,455 SENT PEOPLE OUT TO BUY THAT YARD-LONG ONE-HITTER HE'S 100 00:07:02,522 --> 00:07:07,226 WORKING, WHICH I NOW KNOW IS CALLED A TELENKA. 101 00:07:07,293 --> 00:07:10,930 THAT'S A HOT SOUND. >> HOT SOUND. 102 00:07:10,997 --> 00:07:17,904 >> Stephen: LOUIS, PLAY ME IN. ♪♪ 103 00:07:17,970 --> 00:07:20,773 ♪♪ ♪♪ 104 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:35,721 ( CHEERING ) 105 00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:37,023 ( CHEERING ) 106 00:07:38,558 --> 00:07:43,696 THANK YOU. ( APPLAUSE ) 107 00:07:43,763 --> 00:07:47,533 HAS RUSSIA SURRENDERED YET? ( LAUGHTER ) 108 00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:50,069 THE WINNING SONG IS CALLED "STEFANIA" AND WAS WRITTEN ABOUT 109 00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:51,370 THE FRONTMAN'S MOTHER. REALLY RAISING THE BAR FOR 110 00:07:51,437 --> 00:07:54,440 CHILDREN EVERYWHERE. (AS MOM) 111 00:07:54,507 --> 00:07:57,343 "THOSE NICE BOYS FROM UKRAINE DID A WHOLE AWARD-WINNING SONG 112 00:07:57,410 --> 00:08:02,114 ABOUT THEIR MOM. IN THE MIDDLE OF A WAR. 113 00:08:02,181 --> 00:08:03,382 YOU WON'T EVEN REPLY TO MY EMAILS. 114 00:08:03,449 --> 00:08:07,053 I SENT YOU TEN MINION MEMES, AND YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN ME SO MUCH AS 115 00:08:07,119 --> 00:08:14,427 A LOL." IT'S A ROUGH TIME FOR NEW 116 00:08:14,493 --> 00:08:22,001 PARENTS NOW BECAUSE, NATIONWIDE, 40% OF 117 00:08:22,068 --> 00:08:25,371 BABY FORMULA IS OUT OF STOCK. LUCKILY FOR PARENTS, LIQUOR 118 00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:27,039 STORES ARE STILL FULLY STOCKED. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 119 00:08:27,106 --> 00:08:35,882 ♪♪ ♪♪ 120 00:08:35,948 --> 00:08:39,118 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU. 121 00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:43,256 RHYTHM'S GONNA GET YA. ( LAUGHTER ) 122 00:08:43,322 --> 00:08:45,391 THE JUNIOR JUICE IS IN SUCH SHORT SUPPLY THAT RECENTLY, A 123 00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:48,194 3-PACK OF BABY FORMULA SOLD FOR $238 ON EBAY. 124 00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:52,598 SOUNDS LIKE A LOT, BUT IT WAS SIGNED BY HANK AARON. 125 00:08:52,665 --> 00:08:54,333 ( LAUGHTER ) THANKS TO THE SHORTAGE, SOME 126 00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:57,370 DESPERATE PARENTS ARE EVEN TRYING HOMEMADE BABY FORMULA 127 00:08:57,436 --> 00:09:00,239 RECIPES. OH, GREAT. 128 00:09:00,306 --> 00:09:03,042 NOW EVERYONE'S BROTHER-IN-LAW IS GOING TO BE PUSHING THEIR 129 00:09:03,109 --> 00:09:07,780 HOME-BREW FORMULA. (AS BROTHER IN LAW) 130 00:09:07,847 --> 00:09:09,282 "HERE LITTLE GUY, TRY THIS ONE. IT'S A FONTANELLE IPA. 131 00:09:09,348 --> 00:09:12,952 THERE'S NOTES OF PUMPKIN. IT'S HOPPY BUT DRINKABLE." 132 00:09:13,019 --> 00:09:14,587 ( LAUGHTER ) COME AROUND TO THE BASEMENT, 133 00:09:14,654 --> 00:09:17,189 HELP ME BOTTLE IT. ( LAUGHTER ) 134 00:09:17,256 --> 00:09:19,058 TO ADDRESS THE PROBLEM, THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION HAS 135 00:09:19,125 --> 00:09:24,897 ANNOUNCED THAT THEY WILL CRACK DOWN ON FORMULA PRICE-GOUGING, 136 00:09:24,964 --> 00:09:27,033 AND SENATOR KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND HAS SAID THAT SHE WILL ASK 137 00:09:27,099 --> 00:09:29,602 PRESIDENT BIDEN TO CONSIDER USING THE DEFENSE PRODUCTION 138 00:09:29,669 --> 00:09:33,372 ACT. YES, IT'S A FULL MOBILIZATION-- 139 00:09:33,439 --> 00:09:39,078 EXPLAINS THIS RECRUITING POSTER: "I WA BABA." 140 00:09:39,145 --> 00:09:45,384 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 141 00:09:45,451 --> 00:09:55,594 ( BAND PLAYING ) HOW DOES HE MAKE IT MAKE THOSE 142 00:09:55,661 --> 00:09:56,729 SOUNDS? ( LAUGHTER ) 143 00:09:56,796 --> 00:09:57,663 REPUBLICANS HAVE A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT PLAN: LET MIGRANT 144 00:09:57,730 --> 00:09:59,065 BABIES GO HUNGRY. 'CUZ WHEN THEY'RE IN U.S. 145 00:09:59,131 --> 00:10:03,035 CUSTODY, OUR GOVERNMENT IS RESPONSIBLE FOR FEEDING THESE 146 00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:05,471 CHILDREN. SO, THEY GIVE THEM FORMULA. 147 00:10:05,538 --> 00:10:08,174 AND TO TRY TO PROVE THAT THIS CRISIS IS BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT 148 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:13,379 IS HOARDING INFANT FORMULA AT THE BORDER, REPRESENTATIVE KAT 149 00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:17,917 CAMMACK SHARED THIS PHOTO ON FOX NEWS, WHICH CNN FACT CHECKED AND 150 00:10:17,984 --> 00:10:20,252 FOUND TO BE POWDERED MILK. SIMPLE MISTAKE... THEY'RE BOTH 151 00:10:20,319 --> 00:10:21,921 WHITE POWDER. IT ALSO EXPLAINS THIS FOX NEWS 152 00:10:21,988 --> 00:10:25,891 HEADLINE: DRUG LORDS HOARDING AMERICA'S 153 00:10:25,958 --> 00:10:29,095 PANCAKE MIX. ( LAUGHTER ) 154 00:10:29,161 --> 00:10:37,937 NOW, WITH FORMULA -- ( APPLAUSE ) 155 00:10:38,004 --> 00:10:42,808 WITH FORMULA RUNNING OUT, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING: YOU'RE 156 00:10:42,875 --> 00:10:45,177 THINKING, STEVE, JUST ORDER THOSE BABIES SOME PIZZA 157 00:10:45,244 --> 00:10:46,312 UNFORTUNATELY, THERE'S ALSO A SHORTAGE OF PIZZA DELIVERY 158 00:10:46,379 --> 00:10:49,915 DRIVERS. OH, NO! 159 00:10:49,982 --> 00:10:56,222 WE WON'T BE ABLE TO GET PIZZA! OR PAPA JOHN'S! 160 00:10:56,288 --> 00:11:02,828 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 161 00:11:02,895 --> 00:11:05,231 I'M SHOCKED ABOUT THE DRIVER SHORTAGE. 162 00:11:05,297 --> 00:11:06,432 FROM WHAT I'VE SEEN, THE INTERNET IS FULL OF PIZZA GUY 163 00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:09,769 RECRUITMENT VIDEOS. AND EVEN IF THE FEMALE CUSTOMERS 164 00:11:09,835 --> 00:11:11,037 DON'T HAVE CASH ON HAND, APPARENTLY, THE JOB IS VERY 165 00:11:11,103 --> 00:11:16,876 REWARDING. PLUS TIPS. 166 00:11:16,942 --> 00:11:24,116 ( LAUGHTER ) SOMETIMES JUST THE TIP. 167 00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:26,252 BUT, OKAY -- ( LAUGHTER ) 168 00:11:26,318 --> 00:11:31,457 OKAY, GROW UP! WE'RE ALL ADULTS HERE. 169 00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,192 BUT, OKAY, NO FORMULA, NO DELIVERY DRIVERS. 170 00:11:33,259 --> 00:11:34,460 I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING: YOU'RE THINKING, STEVE, I'LL 171 00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,896 JUST HAVE THE BABY PIZZAS DELIVERED BY PLANE. 172 00:11:36,962 --> 00:11:38,497 GREAT IDEA, BUT I'M SORRY TO SAY THERE'S ALSO A SEVERE PILOT 173 00:11:38,564 --> 00:11:42,802 SHORTAGE IN THE U.S. OH NO! 174 00:11:42,868 --> 00:11:44,370 NOW WHO'S GOING TO TELL THE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS TO PREPARE FOR 175 00:11:44,437 --> 00:11:49,909 CROSS CHECK? WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ALL THOSE 176 00:11:49,975 --> 00:11:51,477 UNCHECKED CROSSES? ( LAUGHTER ) 177 00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:53,913 I DON'T THINK THE PLANE WILL BE ALLOWED TO LAND! 178 00:11:53,979 --> 00:11:57,917 WE'LL JUST KEEP -- ( LAUGHTER ) 179 00:11:57,983 --> 00:12:05,925 ( APPLAUSE ) THE REASON FOR THE SHORTAGE -- 180 00:12:05,991 --> 00:12:08,260 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING ) 181 00:12:08,327 --> 00:12:10,229 THE REASON FOR THE SHORTAGE IS THAT DURING THE PANDEMIC TRAVEL 182 00:12:10,296 --> 00:12:14,066 SLOW-DOWN, A BUNCH OF PILOTS RETIRED. 183 00:12:14,133 --> 00:12:17,903 AND, NOW, AIRLINES ARE RETHINKING TRAINING PROGRAMS TO 184 00:12:17,970 --> 00:12:19,805 LOWER THE BARRIER TO ENTRY. SPECIFICALLY, ONE AIRLINE IS 185 00:12:19,872 --> 00:12:21,907 PROPOSING REDUCING FLIGHT-HOUR REQUIREMENTS BEFORE JOINING A US 186 00:12:21,974 --> 00:12:26,045 CARRIER. THAT'S PROBABLY GOING TO CHANGE 187 00:12:26,112 --> 00:12:28,347 IN-FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENTS: (AS CAPTAIN) 188 00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:29,982 "UUHHHH ATTENTION, PASSENGERS, THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING. 189 00:12:30,049 --> 00:12:33,919 EVERYTHING IS JUST HUNKY-DORY UP HERE. 190 00:12:33,986 --> 00:12:35,588 QUICK QUESTION - WHEN IT COMES TO ALTITUDE, WHICH WOULD YOU SAY 191 00:12:35,654 --> 00:12:39,291 IS BETTER: A BIG NUMBER OR A SMALL NUMBER?" 192 00:12:39,358 --> 00:12:41,694 ( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 193 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:44,230 TONIGHT, MY GUESTS ARE JUDD APATOW AND FORMER DEFENSE 194 00:12:44,296 --> 00:12:47,766 SECRETARY MARK ESPER. WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL TELL YOU 195 00:12:47,833 --> 00:12:52,037 SOME OF THE JUICY DETAILS OF ESPER'S NEW BOOK. 196 00:12:52,104 --> 00:12:52,771 STICK AROUND. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 197 00:13:23,002 --> 00:13:26,105 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK! 198 00:13:26,172 --> 00:13:38,617 GIVE IT UP FOR THE "S -- GIVE IP FOR THE BAND, "STAY HUMAN," 199 00:13:38,684 --> 00:13:39,652 RIGHT OVER THERE! WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. 200 00:13:39,718 --> 00:13:43,956 LOUIS, GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN. HAPPY TO BE BACK. 201 00:13:44,023 --> 00:13:45,925 >> GOOD MAN. >> Stephen: THESE PEOPLE ARE 202 00:13:45,991 --> 00:13:51,297 AS GOOD ASPEN SILLEN RIGHT HERE, MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. 203 00:13:51,363 --> 00:13:54,700 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS IS PRESCRIPTION GRADE RIGHT 204 00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:59,471 HERE. WE HAVE FORMER SECRETARY OF 205 00:13:59,538 --> 00:14:03,042 DEFENSE MARK ESPER IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE IN A BIT. 206 00:14:03,108 --> 00:14:06,712 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WONDERFUL COMEDIAN, WRITER, 207 00:14:06,779 --> 00:14:09,114 DIRECTOR, HUMANITARIAN, JUDD APATOW WILL BE OUT HERE. 208 00:14:09,181 --> 00:14:13,018 I CAN SAY HUMANITARIAN, RIGHT? HE'S A HUMAN BEING. 209 00:14:13,085 --> 00:14:15,054 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SPEAKING OF WONDERFUL PEOPLE, I 210 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:21,460 WENT AND SAW OUR FRIEND JON BATISTE THIS WEEKEND. 211 00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:23,929 >> HOW'S HE DOING IN. >> Stephen: MUCH BETTER. 212 00:14:23,996 --> 00:14:26,532 SENDS HIS LOVE. HE WILL BE BACK HERE AFTER HE 213 00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:31,370 FEELS BETTER AND AFTER HE'S DONE COLOR PURPLE. 214 00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:35,007 I DON'T KNOW IF HE WILL BE BACK BETWEEN THEN. 215 00:14:35,074 --> 00:14:37,810 >> HE'S A BUSY MAN. >> Stephen: HE'S A BUSY MAN. 216 00:14:37,876 --> 00:14:42,715 I HAVE TO SAY, YOU GUYS ARE KILLING IT OVER THERE. 217 00:14:42,781 --> 00:14:56,962 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FOLKS, MY FIRST GUEST IS FORMER 218 00:14:57,029 --> 00:15:00,933 DEFENSE SECRETARY MARK ESPER. HE'S THE AUTHOR OF THE NEW 219 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:02,534 TELL-ALL BOOK, "A SACRED OATH." IT'S LOADED WITH DISTURBING 220 00:15:02,601 --> 00:15:04,270 REVELATIONS ABOUT THE REIGN OF FORMER PRESIDENT 221 00:15:04,336 --> 00:15:06,372 "EL CRAPPY TAN." FOR INSTANCE, ESPER SAYS THAT 222 00:15:06,438 --> 00:15:07,573 THE FORMER PRESIDENT PROPOSED LAUNCHING MISSILES INTO MEXICO 223 00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:13,746 TO 'DESTROY THE DRUG LABS.' I DON'T KNOW WHY HE WOULD DO 224 00:15:13,812 --> 00:15:15,281 THAT, CONSIDERING THAT MOST OF THE DRUGS ARE ALREADY SAFELY 225 00:15:15,347 --> 00:15:21,053 STORED: HERE. ( LAUGHTER ) 226 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:27,293 ( APPLAUSE ) AFTER ESPER POINTED OUT THAT THE 227 00:15:27,359 --> 00:15:32,231 MISSILE LAUNCH WOULD BE AN ACT OF WAR AGAINST AN ALLY, THE 228 00:15:32,298 --> 00:15:34,700 FORMER PRESIDENT EXPLAINED, WE COULD JUST SHOOT SOME PATRIOT 229 00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:38,604 MISSILES AND TAKE OUT THE LABS, QUIETLY, ADDING, NO ONE WOULD 230 00:15:38,671 --> 00:15:42,708 KNOW IT WAS US. HE WOULD SIMPLY DENY WE HAD 231 00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:44,677 LAUNCHED THEM. YEAH, HE JUST PLANNED TO DENY 232 00:15:44,743 --> 00:15:50,616 WHERE THOSE EXPLODING METAL TUBES WITH U.S.A. ON THE SIDE 233 00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:54,053 CAME FROM US. HE WOULD JUST TELL THE MEXICANS 234 00:15:54,119 --> 00:15:57,056 THEY WERE SENT BY SUSAN. ( LAUGHTER ) 235 00:15:57,122 --> 00:16:10,703 ( APPLAUSE ) ESPER'S BOOK ALSO SAYS THAT THE 236 00:16:10,769 --> 00:16:13,672 PRESIDENT COMPLAINED THAT THE US NAVY SHIPS LOOK UGLY. 237 00:16:13,739 --> 00:16:21,080 OK, THAT'S WEIRD, BUT IT DOES EXPLAIN WHY THE U.S.S. CARL 238 00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:22,314 VINSON GOT A BOOB JOB. ( LAUGHTER ) 239 00:16:22,381 --> 00:16:24,016 ESPER ALSO REVEALED THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT WASN'T THE ONLY 240 00:16:24,083 --> 00:16:29,154 ONE WITH CRAZY IDEAS. THERE WERE ALSO PLENTY FROM 241 00:16:29,221 --> 00:16:32,124 FORMER PRESIDENTIAL ADVISOR AND ZIT WITH A DARK SECRET 242 00:16:32,191 --> 00:16:36,028 STEPHEN MILLER. ESPER SAYS THAT DURING THE RAID 243 00:16:36,095 --> 00:16:41,667 THAT KILLED ISLAMIC STATE LEADER ABU BAKR AL-BAGHDADI, MILLER 244 00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:44,603 PROPOSED SECURING AL-BAGHDADI'S HEAD, DIPPING IT IN PIG'S BLOOD 245 00:16:44,670 --> 00:16:47,139 AND PARADING IT AROUND TO WARN OTHER TERRORISTS. 246 00:16:47,206 --> 00:16:49,675 WHEN ESPER POINTED OUT THAT THAT WOULD BE A WAR CRIME, MILLER 247 00:16:49,742 --> 00:16:53,679 REPLIED: THEN WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO 248 00:16:53,746 --> 00:16:57,683 WITH ALL THIS PIG'S BLOOD? ( LAUGHTER ) 249 00:16:57,750 --> 00:17:01,653 ESPER WENT ON 60 MINUTES, WHERE HE REVEALED THAT MILLER ALSO 250 00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:04,923 LOBBIED THE FORMER PRESIDENT TO SEND A QUARTER MILLION US TROOPS 251 00:17:04,990 --> 00:17:06,291 TO THE BORDER. >> WE'RE IN A MEETING, WAITING 252 00:17:06,358 --> 00:17:09,661 FOR THE PRESIDENT TO COME OUT, WE'RE STANDING AROUND THE 253 00:17:09,728 --> 00:17:12,030 RESOLUTE DESK. AND HE'S BEHIND ME, AND THIS 254 00:17:12,097 --> 00:17:16,935 VOICE JUST STARTS TALKING ABOUT, CARAVANS ARE COMING AND WE NEED 255 00:17:17,002 --> 00:17:18,971 TO GET TROOPS TO THE BORDER AND WE NEED A QUARTER MILLION 256 00:17:19,037 --> 00:17:21,573 TROOPS. AND I THINK HE'S JOKING. 257 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:24,042 AND THEN I TURN AROUND AND I LOOK AT HIM AND THESE DEADPAN 258 00:17:24,109 --> 00:17:27,379 EYES, IT'S-- CLEARLY HE IS NOT JOKING. 259 00:17:27,446 --> 00:17:29,681 >> STEPHEN: THAT'S BECAUSE STEPHEN MILLER DOES NOT JOKE. 260 00:17:29,748 --> 00:17:32,684 (AS MILLER) "WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE 261 00:17:32,751 --> 00:17:37,556 ROAD? TO STEAL MY PIGS BLOOD. 262 00:17:37,623 --> 00:17:39,958 WHAT'S BLACK AND WHITE AND RED ALL OVER? 263 00:17:40,025 --> 00:17:42,428 A NEWSPAPER DIPPED IN MY PIGS' BLOOD." 264 00:17:42,494 --> 00:17:48,167 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MARK ESPER. 265 00:18:06,885 --> 00:18:13,692 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW." 266 00:18:13,759 --> 00:18:19,431 MY FIRST GUEST SPENT 21 YEARS IN THE MILITARY AND SERVED AS THE 267 00:18:19,498 --> 00:18:20,933 27TH SECRETARY OF DEFENSE. NOW, HE'S WRITTEN A MEMOIR 268 00:18:20,999 --> 00:18:24,803 CALLED, "A SACRED OATH." PLEASE WELCOME, SECRETARY MARK 269 00:18:24,870 --> 00:18:28,607 ESPER. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 270 00:18:28,674 --> 00:18:42,421 ( BAND PLAYING ) >> Stephen: SECRETARY, THANKS 271 00:18:42,488 --> 00:18:45,157 FOR COMING ON. I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE YOU ON 272 00:18:45,224 --> 00:18:48,360 LAST WEEK WHEN I GOT MY SECOND BOUT OF COVID. 273 00:18:48,427 --> 00:18:52,798 THANKS FOR THE BOOMERANG. >> YOU'RE A SUPERSPREADER, 274 00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:55,567 AREN'T YOU? >> Stephen: I AM, I AM. 275 00:18:55,634 --> 00:18:58,370 ( LAUGHTER ) THE NEW BOOK IS CALLED "A SACRED 276 00:18:58,437 --> 00:18:59,905 OATH." I WANT TO GET INTO WHAT THE 277 00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:04,510 SACRED OATH IS IN A BIT BUT, FIRST, I WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT 278 00:19:04,576 --> 00:19:08,547 THE FORMER PRESIDENT YOU SERVED UNDER, HE OFTEN SAID HE KNEW 279 00:19:08,614 --> 00:19:12,784 MORE ABOUT THE MILITARY THAN ANY OF THE GENERALS, MAYBE MORE THAN 280 00:19:12,851 --> 00:19:14,720 ANYBODY OF ALL TIME. ( LAUGHTER ) 281 00:19:14,786 --> 00:19:19,358 AS A SECRETARY OF DEFENSE AND A WEST POINT GRADUATE, WHAT WAS 282 00:19:19,424 --> 00:19:22,394 YOUR ASSESSMENT OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S MILITARY KNOWLEDGE? 283 00:19:22,461 --> 00:19:25,531 >> I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO ASK HARD QUESTIONS. 284 00:19:25,597 --> 00:19:28,200 ( LAUGHTER ) THE ANSWER WOULD BE NO, HE DOES 285 00:19:28,267 --> 00:19:33,171 NOT KNOW MORE THAN THE GENERALS AND ADMIRALS, NOR DO MOST 286 00:19:33,238 --> 00:19:35,474 PRESIDENTS. >> Stephen: DOES HE KNOW MORE 287 00:19:35,541 --> 00:19:37,576 THAN THE AVERAGE PERSON ON THE STREET? 288 00:19:37,643 --> 00:19:40,012 >> I DON'T KNOW. AT THIS POINT, HE PROBABLY DOES 289 00:19:40,078 --> 00:19:43,215 A BECAUSE HE SERVED FOUR YEARS IN OFFICE. 290 00:19:43,282 --> 00:19:46,818 >> Stephen: OKAY. THERE ARE MANY EXAMPLES IN THE 291 00:19:46,885 --> 00:19:50,255 BOOK HERE OF THE PRESIDENT DEMANDING LOYALTY TO HIMSELF AS 292 00:19:50,322 --> 00:19:52,624 OPPOSED TO THE CONSTITUTION. >> RIGHT. 293 00:19:52,691 --> 00:19:56,929 >> Stephen: SAME THING JAMES COMEY TALKS ABILITY IN HIS BOOK. 294 00:19:56,995 --> 00:19:58,397 >> MM-HMM. >> Stephen: PEOPLE FEAR HE 295 00:19:58,463 --> 00:20:02,100 MIGHT USE THE MILITARY AS A DISTRACTION, OR EVEN TO USE THE 296 00:20:02,167 --> 00:20:05,070 MILITARY TO INTERVENE WITH THE ELECTIONS. 297 00:20:05,137 --> 00:20:07,072 >> MM-HMM. >> Stephen: WERE THOSE FEARS 298 00:20:07,139 --> 00:20:08,807 GROUNDED? DID YOU SHARE THOSE FIERCE? 299 00:20:08,874 --> 00:20:12,778 >> I HAD CONCERNS, CERTAINLY BEGINNING IN THE SUMMER OF 2020, 300 00:20:12,844 --> 00:20:16,815 AFTER JUNE 1, THAT AT SOME POINT THERE MAY BE THAT INCLINATION TO 301 00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:22,187 USE THE MILITARY TO SEIZE BALLOT BOXES. 302 00:20:22,254 --> 00:20:26,425 >> Stephen: AS IF THAT INCLINATION WOULD OCCUR TO 303 00:20:26,491 --> 00:20:30,896 ANYBODY. IT'S A DIRE AND TRAITOUS 304 00:20:30,963 --> 00:20:35,067 INCLINATION, ISN'T IT? >> IT WOULD BE VIOLATING THE 305 00:20:35,133 --> 00:20:40,606 SACRED OATH TO THE CONSTITUTION ALL POLITICIANS TAKE, 306 00:20:40,672 --> 00:20:42,140 ABSOLUTELY. >> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU DO IN 307 00:20:42,207 --> 00:20:44,242 RESPONSE TO THAT PERCEIVED THREAT? 308 00:20:44,309 --> 00:20:48,580 >> I REMAINED IN POSITION TO BE A CIRCUIT BREAKER IN CASE IDEAS 309 00:20:48,647 --> 00:20:52,317 WITH REGARD TO DEPLOYING THE MILITARY AGAINST OTHER COUNTRIES 310 00:20:52,384 --> 00:20:56,788 OR DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE, DEPLOYING TROOPS TO SEATTLE AND 311 00:20:56,855 --> 00:20:59,591 PORTLAND, WHICH BECAME THE PUSH IN JULY AND AUGUST OF THAT 312 00:20:59,658 --> 00:21:04,229 MONTH, BUT AS WE GOT CLOSER IN THE FINAL DAYS LEADING UP TO THE 313 00:21:04,296 --> 00:21:06,365 ELECTION, I THINK LAST FRIDAY OF OCTOBER, HAD TO CALL THE 314 00:21:06,431 --> 00:21:09,368 NATIONAL GUARD IN AND THE CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS OF 315 00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:12,738 STAFF, HAD TO HAVE THIS PRIVATE DISCUSSION AND SAY, LISTEN, ON 316 00:21:12,804 --> 00:21:15,907 THE ELECTION DAY OR DAYS FOLLOWING, IF YOU GET ANY TYPE 317 00:21:15,974 --> 00:21:21,613 OF CALL FROM THE WHITE HOUSE, NOTIFY ME IMMEDIATELY SO I COULD 318 00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:25,250 INTERCEDE IF THAT'S WHAT IT TOOK TO KEEP ANYTHING BAD FROM 319 00:21:25,317 --> 00:21:27,052 HAPPENING. >> Stephen: SO YOU SAID WE'RE 320 00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:29,321 NOT GOING TO SEND CROPS IN TO SEIZE THE BALLOTS. 321 00:21:29,388 --> 00:21:30,489 >> NO. >> Stephen: THE PRESIDENT 322 00:21:30,555 --> 00:21:33,558 MIGHT HAVE ORDERED THAT. WE LEARNED FROM YOUR BOOK, THAT 323 00:21:33,625 --> 00:21:36,495 WAS A CONSIDERATION. >> THAT'S WHY THE SECRETARY OF 324 00:21:36,561 --> 00:21:39,164 DEFENSE IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE IN THE UNITED 325 00:21:39,231 --> 00:21:43,168 STATES THAT CAN DEPLOY TROOPS IS THE PRESIDENT AND THE SECRETARY 326 00:21:43,235 --> 00:21:47,272 OF DEFENSE. IT WAS CRITICAL FOR ME TO BE THE 327 00:21:47,339 --> 00:21:57,082 CIRCUMSTANCE BREAKER IN CASE TE PRESIDENT WANTED TO DEPLOY 328 00:21:57,149 --> 00:21:59,985 TROOPS. WE LEARNED PEOPLE WOULD COME TO 329 00:22:00,052 --> 00:22:04,022 THE WHITE HOUSE AND PROPOSE THIS IN LATE DECEMBER OF 2020, AND 330 00:22:04,089 --> 00:22:07,626 THIS IS THE REASON MYSELF AND NINE OTHERS SECRETARIES OF 331 00:22:07,693 --> 00:22:12,798 DEFENSE WRITE THIS NOTE ON JANUARY 23rd TO THE PENTAGON, 332 00:22:12,864 --> 00:22:16,101 FOLLOW YOUR OATH, DO NOT GET INVOLVED IN THE ELECTION. 333 00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:20,372 >> Stephen: DID YOU RESIGN OR GET FIRED. 334 00:22:20,439 --> 00:22:31,183 >> I GOT FIRED ON THE NINTH. >> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU DO. 335 00:22:31,249 --> 00:22:36,154 FOLLOWED MY OATH. I GOT THE CALL FROM CHIEF OF 336 00:22:36,221 --> 00:22:39,658 STAFF MARK MEADOWS WHO SAID YOU HAVE BEEN REPLACED, YOU HAVEN'T 337 00:22:39,725 --> 00:22:42,094 BEEN SUFFICIENTLY LOYAL TO THE PRESIDENT. 338 00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:45,163 I RESPONDED THAT'S HIS PREROGATIVE, BUT MY OATH IS TO 339 00:22:45,230 --> 00:22:52,070 THE CONSTITUTION, NOT TO HIM. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 340 00:22:52,137 --> 00:22:55,440 >> Stephen: SO IT'S A WEIRD POSITION TO BE IN, AND I WANT TO 341 00:22:55,507 --> 00:23:00,078 GET TO IT IN JUST A LITTLE WHILE, AND PEOPLE CRITICIZE YOU 342 00:23:00,145 --> 00:23:03,648 FOR NOT TELLING US BEFORE, AND I'VE HEARD SOME OF YOUR ANSWERS 343 00:23:03,715 --> 00:23:05,984 ON THAT AND UNDERSTAND SOME OF THE RATIONALE. 344 00:23:06,051 --> 00:23:09,788 BEFORE WE GET TO THAT, I WANT TO ASK WHAT IS IT LIKE FOR YOU AS A 345 00:23:09,855 --> 00:23:15,093 MILITARY MAN, A WEST POINT GRADUATE, IS THERE A CLASS THEY 346 00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:23,335 TEACH AT WO PROTECT THE COUNTRY FROM THE 347 00:23:23,401 --> 00:23:26,271 COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF AND IF NOT DO YOU THINK THERE SHOULD BE A 348 00:23:26,338 --> 00:23:30,842 CLASS THIS POINT FORWARD? >> I TOOK MY BOTH JULY 1982 WHEN 349 00:23:30,909 --> 00:23:36,481 I BECAME A CADET AT WEST POINT, MY FIRST OF A DOZEN OATHS. 350 00:23:36,548 --> 00:23:41,219 I SERVED ON ACTIVE DUTY AND WAR AND ALL THAT, AND I NEVER HAD TO 351 00:23:41,286 --> 00:23:45,190 CONSIDER THE OATH AND WHAT IT MEANS AND I NEVER HAD TO 352 00:23:45,257 --> 00:23:50,562 CONSIDER DUTY, OATH, COUNTRY, UNTIL THIS JOB AND IT REACHED 353 00:23:50,629 --> 00:23:53,932 THE POINT I WAS ASKING MYSELF WHAT'S MY DUTY, MY OATH, WHAT 354 00:23:53,999 --> 00:23:56,802 DOES IT MANE TO PUT THE COUNTRY FIRST? 355 00:23:56,868 --> 00:24:00,806 THE CONUNDRUM IS WHEN YOU SWEAR THAT OATH TO THE CONSTITUTION, 356 00:24:00,872 --> 00:24:05,577 THE CONSTITUTION ALSO SAYS, BY THE WAY, THERE'S THIS THING 357 00:24:05,644 --> 00:24:10,448 CALLED ARTICLE 2, THE COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF, AND I HAVE 358 00:24:10,515 --> 00:24:14,753 TO OBEY HIS ORDERS. AND PRESIDENT TRUMP RARELY GAVE 359 00:24:14,820 --> 00:24:18,156 DIRECT ORSD. >> Stephen: WHAT WOULD WE DO? 360 00:24:18,223 --> 00:24:23,395 UGGESTS, MUSES, RAMPS, AND HOPES PEOPLE WILL PICK UP ON IT 361 00:24:23,461 --> 00:24:26,064 AND RUN WITH IT. >> Stephen: LIKE A MAFIA DON 362 00:24:26,131 --> 00:24:36,441 GOING, I'D HATE TO SEE SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPEN TO THAT GUY? 363 00:24:36,508 --> 00:24:39,911 ( APPLAUSE ) >> IT GIVES ME A CHANCE TO THINK 364 00:24:39,978 --> 00:24:42,147 ABOUT MY OATH AND WHAT'S RIGHT FOR THE COUNTRY. 365 00:24:42,214 --> 00:24:44,749 THE OATH IS NOT TO THE PRESIDENT, PARTY, PHILOSOPHY, 366 00:24:44,816 --> 00:24:48,086 IT'S TO THE CONSTITUTION AND BY EXTENSION THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. 367 00:24:48,153 --> 00:24:50,188 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK. 368 00:24:50,255 --> 00:24:54,960 WHEN WE COME BACK, I WILL ASK THE FORMER SECRETARY WHY HE FELT 369 00:24:55,026 --> 00:24:56,828 HE COULDN'T TELL US WHAT WAS GOING ON INSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE. 370 00:24:56,895 --> 00:24:57,495 STICK AROUND. 371 00:25:04,803 --> 00:25:06,004 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 372 00:25:06,071 --> 00:25:10,041 WE'RE HERE WITH THE AUTHOR OF "A SACRED OATH," FORMER SECRETARY 373 00:25:10,108 --> 00:25:15,080 OF DEFENSE MARK ESPER. YOU DESCRIBED OVAL OFFICE 374 00:25:15,146 --> 00:25:22,354 MEETINGS THAT WERE A MELEE OF BAD IDEAS PUSHED BY HIS WHITE 375 00:25:22,420 --> 00:25:26,358 HOUSE SICKO FANS. WHO'S THE MOST DANGEROUS? 376 00:25:26,424 --> 00:25:30,362 >> YOU DESCRIBE STEVE MILLER WHO PROPOSED THE OUTLANDSH IDEAS. 377 00:25:30,428 --> 00:25:35,800 THE IDEA OF DEPLOYING A QUARTER MILLION TROOPS TO THE BORDER TO 378 00:25:35,867 --> 00:25:43,041 DEAL WITH CARAVANS WHICH IS ABSURD. 379 00:25:43,108 --> 00:25:45,944 WHEN WE WERE HAVING THE DISCUSSIONS TALKING ABOUT THE 380 00:25:46,011 --> 00:25:51,049 UNREST IN PORTLAND, SEATTLE, HE WOULD TALK ABOUT AN AMERICAN 381 00:25:51,116 --> 00:25:55,787 DYSTOPIA WHERE CITIES ARE BURNING AND MELEE WAS RULING. 382 00:25:55,854 --> 00:26:00,725 TO GENERAL MILLEY'S CREDIT, HE CARRIED FACTS AND STATISTICS AND 383 00:26:00,792 --> 00:26:11,503 SAID THERE'S ONLY A MINORITY OF CITIES AND NOT MANY PROTEST AND 384 00:26:11,569 --> 00:26:13,672 PROTESTERS. THE GENERAL WAS IMPORTANT TO 385 00:26:13,738 --> 00:26:17,876 SAY, THIS IS A LAW ENFORCEMENT ISSUE, LET STATE AND LOCAL DEAL 386 00:26:17,943 --> 00:26:20,645 WITH IT AND THIS IS NOT THE PLACE FOR THE MILITARY. 387 00:26:20,712 --> 00:26:24,182 >> Stephen: YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE IN THE ADMINISTRATION TO 388 00:26:24,249 --> 00:26:27,752 SMELL THE CRAZY COMING OFF STEPHEN MILLER. 389 00:26:27,819 --> 00:26:34,726 ARE YOU SURPRISED GUYS LIKE THAY SPECIFICALLY -- WHO IS SO 390 00:26:34,793 --> 00:26:42,968 READILY CRAZY AND POORLY INFORMED AND BALLS-OUT RACIST IS 391 00:26:43,034 --> 00:26:48,139 STILL GETTING JOBS. HE'S WORKING FOR MCCORMACK'S 392 00:26:48,206 --> 00:26:53,044 CAMPAIGN IN PENNSYLVANIA, AND HE DIDN'T GET IT, YET STEPHEN 393 00:26:53,111 --> 00:26:56,614 MILLER IS STILL SUCKING ON THE G.O.P. POLITICAL GRAVY BECAUSE 394 00:26:56,681 --> 00:26:59,818 NOBODY HAS THE COURAGE TO PUT THESE GUYS OUT THE TO PASTURE. 395 00:26:59,884 --> 00:27:03,421 DOES THAT SHOCK YOU THAT PEOPLE YOU KNOW WHO ARE TERRIBLE FOR 396 00:27:03,488 --> 00:27:08,727 AMERICA CAN STILL GET JOBS IN MAINSTREAM POLITICAL CIRCLES? 397 00:27:08,793 --> 00:27:10,362 >> I DON'T GET IT, I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. 398 00:27:10,428 --> 00:27:12,964 ONE OF THE THINGS I HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT IS HOW DO G.O.P., 399 00:27:13,031 --> 00:27:17,535 MY PARTY, I'M A REAGAN REPUBLICAN, HOW DO WE GET 400 00:27:17,602 --> 00:27:19,237 DIVORCED FROM DONALD TRUMP AND THOSE AROUND HIM? 401 00:27:19,304 --> 00:27:22,374 THE CHALLENGE IS PRESIDENT TRUMP PUSHED A LOT OF TRADITIONAL 402 00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:27,012 REPUBLICAN POLICIES, LOWERED TAXES, DEREGULATION, 403 00:27:27,078 --> 00:27:30,348 CONSERVATIVE JUDGES, REBUILD THE MILITARY, STRONGER BORDER, ALL 404 00:27:30,415 --> 00:27:34,352 GOOD THINGS. >> Stephen: BUT A MANNEQUIN 405 00:27:34,419 --> 00:27:42,360 WCOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE SAME POLICIES 406 00:27:42,427 --> 00:27:43,762 ( APPLAUSE ) >> RIGHT. 407 00:27:43,828 --> 00:27:47,198 SO MY MESSAGE TO MY FELLOW REPUBLICANS IS THERE'S A NEW 408 00:27:47,265 --> 00:27:50,168 GENERATION OF REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES WHO I HOPE WILL 409 00:27:50,235 --> 00:27:54,939 EMERGE AFTER THE MIDTERMS AND RUN. 410 00:27:55,006 --> 00:27:59,177 YOU CAN GET SOMEONE WHO PUTS COUNTRY OVER SELF, ADVANCE CORE 411 00:27:59,244 --> 00:28:02,047 REPUBLICAN IDEAS, GROW THE BASE AND BRING THE AMERICAN PEOPLE 412 00:28:02,113 --> 00:28:03,281 TOGETHER. I HAVE BEEN SAYING THE BIGGEST 413 00:28:03,348 --> 00:28:08,420 THREAT FACING THE COUNTRY TODAY IS NOT CHINA, IT'S THE EXTREME 414 00:28:08,486 --> 00:28:10,688 POLITICAL PARTNERSHIP CAUSING DYSFUNCTION IN WASHINGTON, D.C. 415 00:28:10,755 --> 00:28:13,158 AND WE HAVE TO BREAK THIS. ( APPLAUSE ) 416 00:28:13,224 --> 00:28:17,262 >> Stephen: YOU KNOW HOW FEW REPUBLICANS IN OFFICE THERE ARE 417 00:28:17,328 --> 00:28:19,564 LIKE YOU. YOU'RE A MINORITY. 418 00:28:19,631 --> 00:28:24,536 IT'S STRANGE HOW FEW PEOPLE LIKE YOU THERE ARE. 419 00:28:24,602 --> 00:28:28,740 I'M NOT CALLING YOU A REPUBLICAN POLITICIAN BUT THANK YOU FOR 420 00:28:28,807 --> 00:28:34,012 SUPPORTING THOSE POLICIES. SO FEW PEOPLE WILL ESPOUSE IT 421 00:28:34,079 --> 00:28:35,213 PUBLICLY. >> THAT'S THE ISSUE. 422 00:28:35,280 --> 00:28:37,916 >> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUT THE QUESTION JAKE TAPPER ASKED 423 00:28:37,982 --> 00:28:43,288 YOU THE OTHER DAY, GIVEN YOU KNEW ALL OF THIS, WHY DID YOU 424 00:28:43,354 --> 00:28:47,926 WAIT TO PUT IT IN A BOOK? SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO SELL 425 00:28:47,992 --> 00:28:52,730 BOOKS INSTEAD OF PROTECT THE COUNTRY. 426 00:28:52,797 --> 00:28:56,768 EVEN IF I ACCEPT YOUR ANSWER, SOMEBODY ELSE PUT IN THERE MAY 427 00:28:56,835 --> 00:28:59,771 NOT HAVE MADE THE PUSHBACKS YOU DID. 428 00:28:59,838 --> 00:29:02,073 >> RIGHT? WHAT DOES THAT SAY TO YOU ABOUT THE STATE OF OUR 429 00:29:02,140 --> 00:29:05,009 COUNTRY THAT IT'S JUST THIS ONE MAN IN THIS POSITION PUSHING 430 00:29:05,076 --> 00:29:08,746 BACK AGAINST THE CRAZY AND THAT YOU CAN'T BE TRUTHFUL TO THE 431 00:29:08,813 --> 00:29:11,282 AMERICAN PEOPLE BECAUSE THE FOUNDERS IMAGINE THAT AN 432 00:29:11,349 --> 00:29:14,352 INFORMED PUBLIC WOULD SAVE OUR COUNTRY, NOT ONE GUY, HOWEVER 433 00:29:14,419 --> 00:29:16,721 WELL MEANING. >> WELL, LOOK, IT WASN'T JUST 434 00:29:16,788 --> 00:29:18,656 ONE PERSON, THERE WERE OTHER MEMBERS IN THE CABINET. 435 00:29:18,723 --> 00:29:22,360 >> Stephen: BUT YOU DID KNOW ALL THIS STUFF BUT FELT YOU 436 00:29:22,427 --> 00:29:26,097 COULDN'T AT TELL IT. >> TAKE IT AT ANY POINT IN THE 437 00:29:26,164 --> 00:29:28,633 STORY IN 2020, IF I HAD COME OUT, I WOULD HAVE BEEN FIRED, 438 00:29:28,700 --> 00:29:32,036 WHICH IS THE PRESIDENT'S PREROGATIVE, HE PROBABLY SHOULD 439 00:29:32,103 --> 00:29:36,841 HAVE FIRED ME ON THE SPOT. MY RATIONALE IS IF I'M NOT HERE 440 00:29:36,908 --> 00:29:40,612 TO STOP A QUARTER MILLION TROOPS TO THE BORDER WHEN PROPOSED, WHO 441 00:29:40,678 --> 00:29:49,020 WOULD BE THERE IF HE WANTS TO SHOOT MISSILES TO MEXICO, OR 442 00:29:49,087 --> 00:29:57,262 SEND 10,000 PAR TROOPERS IN AMERICA AND WHO WILL BE TO STOP 443 00:29:57,328 --> 00:29:58,796 THE VENS -- VENEZUELA TALK IN OCTOBER. 444 00:29:58,863 --> 00:30:03,268 >> Stephen: WE DESERVE TO KNOW THAT TO MAKE OUR CHOICE AND I 445 00:30:03,334 --> 00:30:06,371 TAKE YOUR RATIONALE, BUT WHERE ARE WE AS A COUNTRY IF YOU CAN'T 446 00:30:06,437 --> 00:30:08,640 TELL US THAT? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 447 00:30:08,706 --> 00:30:12,076 >> IT'S A GREAT QUESTION. THE OPENING PAGE, THE FIRST FIVE 448 00:30:12,143 --> 00:30:17,382 PAGES I TALK ABOUT THE DILEMMA, I WRESTLE WITH IT. 449 00:30:17,448 --> 00:30:25,356 I TALK TO MY WIFE AND SHE SAYS AS YOUR WIFE, PLEASE QUIT, AS AN 450 00:30:25,423 --> 00:30:33,898 AMERICAN, STAY. I REACHED OUT TO THE LATE 451 00:30:33,965 --> 00:30:38,369 GENERAL COLIN POWELL AND HE SAID YOU HAVE TO STAY. 452 00:30:38,436 --> 00:30:46,177 WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE LOYALISTS COME INTO THE PENTAGO, 453 00:30:46,244 --> 00:30:48,646 WITHDRAW FROM SOMALIA, AND IT GOES ON AND ON. 454 00:30:48,713 --> 00:30:53,418 AT THAT POINT, THEY ONLY HAD 60 DAYS. 455 00:30:53,484 --> 00:30:56,988 THINK IF THEY HAD EIGHT MONTHS. >> Stephen: THE MEMOIR IS "A 456 00:30:57,055 --> 00:31:00,658 SACRED OATH." THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. 457 00:31:00,725 --> 00:31:01,960 BACK WITH JUDD APATOW. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 458 00:31:22,313 --> 00:31:28,152 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK! 459 00:31:28,219 --> 00:31:33,658 MY NEXT GUEST IS A WRITER, DIRECTOR, AND PRODUCER YOU KNOW 460 00:31:33,725 --> 00:31:36,060 FROM MOVIES INCLUDING, "THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN," "KNOCKED 461 00:31:36,127 --> 00:31:37,428 UP," AND, "THE KING OF STATEN ISLAND." 462 00:31:37,495 --> 00:31:40,765 HE HAS JUST CO-DIRECTED A TWO-PART DOCUMENTARY ON GEORGE 463 00:31:40,832 --> 00:31:45,436 CARLIN CALLED, "GEORGE CARLIN'S AMERICAN DREAM." 464 00:31:45,503 --> 00:31:49,641 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW, JUDD APATOW. 465 00:31:49,707 --> 00:32:04,589 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING ) 466 00:32:04,656 --> 00:32:05,823 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING ) 467 00:32:06,324 --> 00:32:08,526 >> Stephen: THANKS FOR BEING HERE. 468 00:32:08,593 --> 00:32:09,627 >> SO GOOD, SO GOOD. >> Stephen: YOU LOOK NICE. 469 00:32:09,694 --> 00:32:11,296 YOU LOOK REALLY NICE. >> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH. 470 00:32:11,362 --> 00:32:13,965 WE'RE COVID FRESH. >> Stephen: HAVE YOU HAD IT? 471 00:32:14,032 --> 00:32:16,634 I HAD IT, LIKE, THREE WEEKS AGO FOR MY SECOND TIME. 472 00:32:16,701 --> 00:32:19,604 >> Stephen: I HAD IT THREE WEEKS AGO AND IT DIDN'T STOP 473 00:32:19,671 --> 00:32:21,739 TILL A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO. >> IT PAUSED. 474 00:32:21,806 --> 00:32:23,608 >> Stephen: THAT PAUSE IN THE MIDDLE. 475 00:32:23,675 --> 00:32:27,278 YOU HAD IT TWICE. DID YOU HAVE THE ORIGINAL. 476 00:32:27,345 --> 00:32:28,313 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: THE CLASSIC AND 477 00:32:28,379 --> 00:32:29,847 THE -- >> THE CLASSIC. 478 00:32:29,914 --> 00:32:33,851 IT'S DIFFERENT WHEN YOU GET THE CLASSIC BECAUSE BACK THEN PEOPLE 479 00:32:33,918 --> 00:32:36,654 WERE REALLY NERVES AND YOUR FRIENDS WOULD CALL YOU AND SAY, 480 00:32:36,721 --> 00:32:39,924 YOU OKAY, MAN? JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW, I LOVE 481 00:32:39,991 --> 00:32:43,261 YOU, IF YOU NEED ANYTHING -- ( LAUGHTER ) 482 00:32:43,328 --> 00:32:49,434 WHEN I GOT IT THREE WEEKS AGO, SOMEBODY CALLED AND SAID, HEY, I 483 00:32:49,500 --> 00:32:52,170 HOPE THE LAKERS DON'T TRADE LeBRON. 484 00:32:52,236 --> 00:33:04,182 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: Y YOU CO-WROTE A 485 00:33:04,248 --> 00:33:05,116 DOCUMENTARY "GEORGE CARLIN'S AMERICAN DREAM." 486 00:33:05,183 --> 00:33:06,317 >> YES. >> Stephen: ONE OF MY GREATEST 487 00:33:06,384 --> 00:33:09,220 REGRETS IS I NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO MEET HIM. 488 00:33:09,287 --> 00:33:12,023 WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST EXPOSURE TO HIM? 489 00:33:12,090 --> 00:33:18,629 CLASS CLOWN, ONE OF MY BROTHERS HAD THE ALBUM AND LEFT IT WHEN 490 00:33:18,696 --> 00:33:25,870 THEY WENT TO COLLEGE BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT ME MOM TO KNOW. 491 00:33:25,937 --> 00:33:32,910 >> HE'D SAY THE DIRTY WORDS. HE'D SAY, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN 492 00:33:32,977 --> 00:33:39,417 PRICK YOUR FINGER BUT YOU CAN'T ( BLEEP ), ( BLEEP ). 493 00:33:39,484 --> 00:33:42,019 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WHAT WAS YOUR 494 00:33:42,086 --> 00:33:45,390 FIRST EXPOSURE. >> MY FIRST JOB IS I WORKED FOR 495 00:33:45,456 --> 00:33:48,826 COMIC RELIEF AND MY JOB WAS TO GET EVERYBODY'S AUTOGRAPH ON THE 496 00:33:48,893 --> 00:33:53,598 POSTER SO THEY COULD SELL IT FOR CHARITY, AND THIS IS ME GETTING 497 00:33:53,664 --> 00:33:55,099 HIS AUTOGRAPH. ( APPLAUSE ) 498 00:33:55,166 --> 00:33:58,669 CHECK OUT MY OUTFIT. I GOT THE GREEN WITH THE YELLOW 499 00:33:58,736 --> 00:34:01,839 AND THE BLUE. >> Stephen: A COMEDIAN. 500 00:34:01,906 --> 00:34:03,775 EXACTLY. LOOK, NO BEARD. 501 00:34:03,841 --> 00:34:07,912 >> Stephen: YEAH. MY FAMILY HATES I HAVE NO 502 00:34:07,979 --> 00:34:11,649 BEARD. >> Stephen: WHAT WAS YOUR 503 00:34:11,716 --> 00:34:14,886 EXPOSURE? HOW DID YOU FIRST FEEL ABOUT 504 00:34:14,952 --> 00:34:16,687 HIM? >> I HEARD ABOUT HIM BECAUSE AT 505 00:34:16,754 --> 00:34:21,125 MY HOUSE WE HAD THE LENNY BRUCE RECORDS, THE GEORGE CALLAN 506 00:34:21,192 --> 00:34:23,895 RECORDS AND THE BILL COSBY RECORDS. 507 00:34:23,961 --> 00:34:26,664 >> Stephen: THE WHAT? THE BILL COSBY RECORDS 508 00:34:26,731 --> 00:34:28,866 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WE HAD THEM, TOO, 509 00:34:28,933 --> 00:34:31,169 THE BILL COSBY RECORD AND GEORGE CARLIN. 510 00:34:31,235 --> 00:34:35,907 HE'S ON MY MT. RUSHMORE. >> AND YOU'RE IN THE 511 00:34:35,973 --> 00:34:38,209 DOCUMENTARY. >> Stephen: I HOPE I SAID FINE 512 00:34:38,276 --> 00:34:39,710 THINGS. >> YOU WERE VERY ELOQUENT. 513 00:34:39,777 --> 00:34:41,846 I WAS GLAD YOU'RE IN IT BECAUSE YOU TALK GOOD. 514 00:34:41,913 --> 00:34:45,550 >> Stephen: THEY PAY ME TALK GOOD! 515 00:34:45,616 --> 00:34:47,418 ( LAUGHTER ) >> WE WOULD WATCH IT AND EDIT 516 00:34:47,485 --> 00:34:50,288 YOUR INTERVIEW AND SAY, HE'S SO SMART. 517 00:34:50,354 --> 00:34:54,492 I'M GLAD I DON'T TALK ON AN INTERVIEW BECAUSE I'M DUMB BUT 518 00:34:54,559 --> 00:34:59,630 YOU ENCAPSULATE EVERYTHING. >> Stephen: I WORKED FOR SMART 519 00:34:59,697 --> 00:35:02,667 CENTRAL MANY YEARS. >> WHY WAS GEORGE CARLIN 520 00:35:02,733 --> 00:35:06,704 MEANINGFUL TO YOU? >> Stephen: I'LL ASK THE 521 00:35:06,771 --> 00:35:07,939 QUESTIONS. ( LAUGHTER ) 522 00:35:08,005 --> 00:35:13,845 IT WAS JUST FUNNY, LIKE, I'M AN IRISH CATHOLIC KID AND HE'SING 523 00:35:13,911 --> 00:35:15,680 ABOUT HIS IRISH CATHOLIC CHILDHOOD. 524 00:35:15,746 --> 00:35:21,752 HE OPENED MY EYES TO A WHOLE OTHER THING YOU CAN MAKE FUN OF. 525 00:35:21,819 --> 00:35:26,123 I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU COULD MAKE FUN OF THE CHURCH. 526 00:35:26,190 --> 00:35:34,899 HE'D SAY, THEY GOT RID OF LIMBO. IT WAS HARD TO UNDERSTAND. 527 00:35:34,966 --> 00:35:41,038 WELCOME -- TO LIMBO. >> HE WAS VERY AGAINST THE IDEA 528 00:35:41,105 --> 00:35:43,541 OF HELL. HE DIDN'T LIKE HELL WAS PART OF 529 00:35:43,608 --> 00:35:47,311 RELIGION BECAUSE HE USED TO SAY, THEY TELL YOU IF YOU DON'T 530 00:35:47,378 --> 00:35:51,215 FOLOW THESE RULES, YOU'RE GOING TO BURN IN HELL -- BUT WE LOVE 531 00:35:51,282 --> 00:35:54,352 YOU! AND WE NEED MONEY! 532 00:35:54,418 --> 00:35:59,557 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: DID YOU LEARN 533 00:35:59,624 --> 00:36:03,094 ANYTHING ANT GEORGE CARLIN THAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW, SOMETHING THAT 534 00:36:03,160 --> 00:36:05,196 SURPRISED YOU ABOUT THIS DOCUMENTARY? 535 00:36:05,263 --> 00:36:08,766 >> ONE THING THAT SURPRISED ME IS, YOU KNOW, HE HAD MANY 536 00:36:08,833 --> 00:36:10,902 PHASES. HE WAS LIKE BONO. 537 00:36:10,968 --> 00:36:19,644 HE WOULD REINVENT U2 EVERY YEAR. >> Stephen: LIKE IN THE 538 00:36:19,710 --> 00:36:26,450 BEATLES, I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND, THEN HE PUT OUT THE WHITE 539 00:36:26,517 --> 00:36:29,654 ALBUM. >> IN THE MID '80s HE SAW SAM 540 00:36:29,720 --> 00:36:39,130 KENNISON AND HE SAID I DON'T WANT TO EAT THIS GUY'S DUST AND 541 00:36:39,196 --> 00:36:42,199 HE TRIED TO OUTDO HIM FOR THE NEXT 20 YEARS. 542 00:36:42,266 --> 00:36:45,770 >> Stephen: HE WAS GREAT FOR THE FEUD-LIKE MONOLOGUES. 543 00:36:45,836 --> 00:36:48,806 DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT HIS PROCESS WAS LIKE? 544 00:36:48,873 --> 00:36:52,810 BECAUSE HE'S SOMEBODY WHO DOES OR HAS DONE SIMILAR WORK. 545 00:36:52,877 --> 00:36:58,449 WHAT WAS IT LIKE, HE WOULD BASICALLY DO A 45 MINUTE TO AN 546 00:36:58,516 --> 00:37:02,219 HOUR MONOLOGUE. THERE ARE JOKES IF IT BUT HE IS 547 00:37:02,286 --> 00:37:07,592 TELLING YOU THE PROCESS TODAY. >> HIS MAIN PROCESS IS HE DID 548 00:37:07,658 --> 00:37:09,894 COCAINE. >> Stephen: DID HE DO A LOT OF 549 00:37:09,961 --> 00:37:11,529 COCAINE. >> HE WAS OBSESSED WITH WORDS. 550 00:37:11,596 --> 00:37:14,765 I THINK HE MAY HAVE BEEN OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE IN SOME WAY 551 00:37:14,832 --> 00:37:19,003 OR HAD ATTENTION DEFICIT AND MAYBE WAS DOING DRUGS AS SOME 552 00:37:19,070 --> 00:37:22,573 WEIRD WAY TO FOCUS HIMSELF. HE NEVER HUNG OUT WITH PEOPLE OR 553 00:37:22,640 --> 00:37:25,710 PARTY, BUT HE WOULD DO A LOT OF DRUGS AND WRITE AND WRITE AND 554 00:37:25,776 --> 00:37:27,612 LISTEN TO MUSIC. >> Stephen: ONE OF MY FAVORITE 555 00:37:27,678 --> 00:37:34,685 THINGS I HEARD CARLIN TALK ABOUT WAS THAT HE HE MISUNDERSTOOD LY 556 00:37:34,752 --> 00:37:38,756 BRUCE THAT HE THOUGHT IT WAS COOL TO BE ARRESTED AND ENDED UP 557 00:37:38,823 --> 00:37:42,259 IN A PADDY WAGON WITH LENNY BRUCE ONCE AND SAID, WE DID IT, 558 00:37:42,326 --> 00:37:46,530 WE GOT ARRESTED. LENNY SAID, DUMMY, THE OBJECTIVE 559 00:37:46,597 --> 00:37:50,534 IS TO STAY ON STAGE AND SAY YOUR STUFF. 560 00:37:50,601 --> 00:37:54,238 >> LENNY BRUCE WAS IN A COMEDY TEAM WITH JACK BURNS AND LIKED 561 00:37:54,305 --> 00:37:57,308 HIM AND CALLED HIS EIGHT AND SAID SIGN HIM. 562 00:37:57,375 --> 00:37:59,210 >> Stephen: I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. 563 00:37:59,276 --> 00:38:03,080 >> HE GOT HIM IN THE BUSINESS. >> Stephen: WOW. 564 00:38:03,147 --> 00:38:06,183 WHAT DO YOU THINK CARLIN WOULD BE TALKING ABOUT TODAY? 565 00:38:06,250 --> 00:38:09,620 DID YOU SEE THAT INTERVIEW WITH ESPER JUST NOW? 566 00:38:09,687 --> 00:38:12,990 >> I DON'T THINK GEORGE CARLIN WOULD LIKE MARK ESPER. 567 00:38:13,057 --> 00:38:14,592 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WHY NOT? 568 00:38:14,659 --> 00:38:17,995 WHY NOT? >> BECAUSE CARLIN'S WHOLE IDEA 569 00:38:18,062 --> 00:38:22,700 WS THAT PEOPLE WITH MONEY MANIPULATE THE WHOLE SYSTEM. 570 00:38:22,767 --> 00:38:27,872 SO IF SOMEBODY KNOWS THAT TRUMP IS A MANIAC AND YOU WOULD THINK 571 00:38:27,938 --> 00:38:34,645 THE DAY AFTER HE GETS FIRED IS THE DAY TO GO, HEY, HE WANTED TO 572 00:38:34,712 --> 00:38:39,817 SHOOT ALL THE GEORGE FLOYD PROTESTORS IN THE LEGS, BUT HE 573 00:38:39,884 --> 00:38:42,953 WAITS A YEAR TO WRITE A BOOK AND MAKES MONEY. 574 00:38:43,020 --> 00:38:46,023 THAT WAS GEORGE CARLIN'S WHOLE THING IS THEY'RE NOT LOOKING OUT 575 00:38:46,090 --> 00:38:48,392 FOR YOU. >> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH. 576 00:38:48,459 --> 00:38:50,461 LET'S TALK ABOUT PEOPLE YOU LOOK OUT FOR. 577 00:38:50,528 --> 00:38:51,362 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: YOUR FAMILY. 578 00:38:51,429 --> 00:38:53,330 THAT'S RIGHT. >> Stephen: WE'VE ALREADY 579 00:38:53,397 --> 00:38:55,599 TALKED ABOUT YOUR LOVELY WIFE LESLIE. 580 00:38:55,666 --> 00:38:57,968 THERE YOU GO. YOU ALSO HAVE TWO DAUGHTERS WHO 581 00:38:58,035 --> 00:39:02,339 ARE IN THE BUSINESS NOW. DOES THAT MAKE YOU NERVOUS 582 00:39:02,406 --> 00:39:03,274 KNOWING WHAT SHOW BUSINESS IS LIKE? 583 00:39:03,340 --> 00:39:05,843 ARE YOU, LIKE, GO FOR IT, IT'S NOT THAT HARD. 584 00:39:05,910 --> 00:39:09,280 >> YOUR DREAM IS YOUR KIDS WILL SURPASS YOU. 585 00:39:09,346 --> 00:39:10,781 AND THEY HAVE. >> Stephen: NO. 586 00:39:10,848 --> 00:39:15,453 YOU WANT THEM TO FAIL? >> Stephen: NUMBER ONE, BABY. 587 00:39:15,519 --> 00:39:16,587 NUMBER ONE. ( APPLAUSE ) 588 00:39:16,654 --> 00:39:20,191 ARE YOU NERVOUS AT ALL? THIS IS A WEIRD BUSINESS TO BE 589 00:39:20,257 --> 00:39:21,092 IN. >> I LIKE IT. 590 00:39:21,158 --> 00:39:23,828 I JUST SAY STAY AWAY FROM THE COCAINE. 591 00:39:23,894 --> 00:39:26,464 >> Stephen: WORKED FOR GEORGE CARLIN. 592 00:39:26,530 --> 00:39:30,134 DID YOU ENJOY THE COCAINE? >> I NEVER DID COCAINE. 593 00:39:30,201 --> 00:39:33,771 I'M SCARED OF ALL THINGS. MY MOM GAVE ME FIVE BUCKS NOT TO 594 00:39:33,838 --> 00:39:38,609 SMOKE WHEN I WAS TEN YEARS OLD AND I, FOR SOME REASON, HONOR 595 00:39:38,676 --> 00:39:39,310 THAT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 596 00:39:39,376 --> 00:39:40,978 >> Stephen: MOMS. MOMS. 597 00:39:41,045 --> 00:39:44,515 "GEORGE CARLIN'S AMERICAN DREAM" PREMIERES THIS FRIDAY ON HBO. 598 00:39:44,582 --> 00:39:47,618 JUDD APATOW, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 599 00:40:07,705 --> 00:40:08,606 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: THAT'S IT FOR "THE 600 00:40:08,672 --> 00:40:11,275 LATE SHOW." TUNE IN TOMORROW, WHEN MY GUEST 601 00:40:11,342 --> 00:40:14,145 WILL BE RICKY GERVAIS. JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 602 00:40:14,211 --> 00:40:15,479 GOODNIGHT.