ON MONDAY NIGHT, AS DR. OZ MADE HIS CLOSING PITCH TO
PENNSYLVANIA VOTERS AHEAD OF THE TUESDAY PRIMARY, HE TOLD VOTERS
TO IMAGINE LYING IN BED WITH HIM.
>> YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE LET YOUR PEOPLE DOWN, SO WHEN YOU GO TO
BED AT NIGHT AND PUT YOUR HEAD ON THAT SOFT PILLOW, YOU KNOW OZ
WILL BE DOING EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT HIM TO DO IF YOU WERE THERE
NEXT TO HIM. >> WE GOT A.D.T., BECAUSE I
WALKED IN ON DR. OZ LYING IN OUR BED, AND OUR DAUGHTER HAD
NIGHTMARES FOR MONTHS. DR. OZ TOOK OUR PEACE OF MIND.
WITH A.D.T., WE GOT IT BACK. >> EVERY 15 MINUTES, DR. OZ
SHOWS UP IN SOMEONE'S HOUSE UNANNOUNCED AND UNWELCOME.
WHEN AN OZ ALARM IS RECEIVED, A.D.T. CALLS THE AUTHORITIES,
AND THE AUTHORITIES PROMPTLY REMOVE HIM.
ONLY A.D.T. OFFERS AN OZ PROTECTION GUARANTEE.
>> TAKE IT FROM ME, THE TIME TO THINK ABOUT A SECURITY SYSTEM
ISN'T AFTER YOU FIND DR. OZ IN YOUR BED.
IT'S BEFORE. >> I'M DR. OZ, AND I LIKE TO
WATCH YOU SLEEP.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT:
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: RICKY GERVAIS
AND MUSICAL GUEST TROMBONE SHORTY
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). BEAUTIFUL!
OH, MY GOODNESS! YOU GUYS SOUND GOOD!
HEY!
THANK YOU! WHAT'S UP, MARCUS OPINION THANK
YOU, PLEASE. HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY!
THIS IS DELIGHTFUL. PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE
LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
YOU CAN FEEL THE ELECTRICITY IN THE AIR BECAUSE IT IS PRIMARY
DAY ALL ACROSS AMERICA. FIVE STATES ARE CHOOSING THEIR
PARTY NOMINEES FOR STATE AND FEDERAL OFFICE: PENNSYLVANIA,
OREGON, IDAHO, NORTH CAROLINA, AND KENTUCKY.
OR AS ELECTION EXPERTS COLLECTIVELY KNOW THEM
"POINCK"! ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) TUESDAY-- NOW WE TAPE THIS SHOW
EARLY-- YEAH, AND THAT MEANS WE DON'T KNOW THE RESULTS YET,
KNOW THE RESULTS YET, BUT BY THE TIME THIS AIRS, THE VICTORS WILL
BE CELEBRATING AND THE LOSERS WILL BE SAYING THEY'RE THE
VICTORS. IT'S A PARTICULAR BIG DAY FOR
THE G.O.P. THE PARTY IS CHOOSING ITS
DIRECTION FOR 2022: ORIGINAL RECIPE NUTBALLS OR EXTRA-CRISPY
COO COO CAJONES. ( LAUGHTER )
MMM! COO COO CAJONES.
NOWHERE IS THAT COMPETITION TIGHTER THAN THE KEYSTONE STATE,
PENNSYLVANIA, WHERE THE REPUBLICAN SENATE RACE IS A
BATTLE ROYALE BETWEEN HEDGE FUND EXECUTIVE AND DIVORCED DAD
VACATIONING ALONE, DAVID McCORMICK; TV CONMAN AND FUNERAL
DIRECTOR FLIRTATIOUSLY ASKING, "IS THIS CASKET TAKEN?"
DR. MEHMET OZ; AND A SURPRISE LATECOMER FORMER RADIO TALK-SHOW
HOST AND CHRISTIAN VENTRILOQUIST WITH A FAITH-BASED DUMMY,
KATHY BARNETTE. AS OF THIS WEEK, McCORMICK'S
INTERNAL POLLING SHOWED THE CANDIDATES NECK AND NECK AND
NECK, WITH McCORMICK AT 25% AND OZ AND BARNETTE TIED AT 24%.
OF THE THREE, DR. OZ HAS THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S BACKING, AND
LAST NIGHT, HE MADE SURE TO REMIND EVERYONE OF THAT.
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID THIS-- AND I THINK HE WAS RIGHT AND
KIND TO SAY IT-- THAT I'M SMART, I AM TOUGH, AND I WILL NEVER LET
YOU DOWN. >> Stephen: BECAUSE THERE'S
NOTHING LIKE BEING CALLED SMART BY A MAN WHO STARED AT AN
ECLIPSE. ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT THEN, THINGS GOT WEIRD.
>> YOU NEVER WANT TO LET YOUR PEOPLE DOWN, SO WHEN YOU GO TO
BED AT NIGHT, PUT YOUR HEAD ON THAT SOFT PILLOW.
YOU KNOW OZ WILL BE DOING EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT HIM TO DO
IF YOU WERE THERE NEXT TO HIM. ( LAUGHTER )
CREEPIEST POLITICAL PROMISE SINCE GEORGE H.W. BUSH SAID
THIS: >> KISS MY LIPS.
I GIVE TONGUE. >> Stephen: DR. OZ IS MAKING A
BIG FINAL PUSH, BECAUSE BARNETTE HAS BEEN SURGING IN THE
POLLS, DESPITE A LONG HISTORY OF BIGOTED STATEMENTS AGAINST GAY
PEOPLE AND MUSLIMS. OR POSSIBLY BECAUSE OF THAT.
AND THIS WEEKEND, SHE TRIED TO DEFEND HER COMMENTS ON SUNDAY
SUNDAY FOX NEWS FUNDAY. >> THE OVERWHELMING MAJORITY OF
THE TWEETS THAT ARE NOW BEING PRESENTED ARE NOT EVEN FULL
THOUGHTS. THEY'RE NOT EVEN FULL SENTENCES.
>> Stephen: SEE? SHE'S A PERFECTLY QUALIFIED
CANDIDATE FOR U.S. SENATE WHO CANNOT FINISH A SENTENCE.
EXPLAINS HER CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: "VOTE FOR!"
( LAUGHTER ) SURE.
KIND OF. KIND OF.
BARNETTE SAID IT'S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THESE COMMENTS HAPPENED
A LONG TIME AGO. >> I CAN'T PROVIDE A LOT OF
CONTEXT BECAUSE, AGAIN, IT'S ALMOST TEN YEARS AGO.
THAT IS HOW FAR THEY HAVE TO GO BACK TO TRY TO FIND ANYTHING
ON ME. >> Stephen: OKAY, 10 YEARS.
BUT KEEP IN MIND, KATHY BARNETTE IS A 50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "LOOK, WE ALL SAY AND DO STUPID THINGS
WHEN WE TURN 40! IT'S THAT CAREFREE 22nd SUMMER
AFTER HIGH SCHOOL!" AND NOW TO ADD--
( APPLAUSE ) INJURY, THIS WEEKEND, SEVERAL
NEWS SITES CONFIRMED THAT THIS RIGHT HERE, IS, IN
FACT, KATHY BARNETTE MARCHING TO THE CAPITOL ON JANUARY 6,
ALONGSIDE THE PROUD BOYS. SO SHE TRIED TO OVERTHROW AN
INSTITUTION AND NOW WANTS TO WORK THERE?
THAT'S LIKE HOLDING UP A BANK AND SAYING, "PUT THE MONEY IN
THE BAG! ALSO, THIS SEEMS LIKE A PRETTY
GOOD GIG. CAN I DROP MY RESUME OFF WITH
YOU GUYS? BY THE WAY, HOW OFTEN DO THESE
ROBBERIES HAPPEN? ( APPLAUSE )
SCARY." FOR HIS PART, THE FORMER
PRESIDENT SEEMS TO BE NERVOUS THAT BARNETTE'S BRAND OF
INTOLERANCE WILL BEAT OUT HIS FAVORITE GRIFTER, BUT HE'S
HEDGING HIS BETS, PUTTING OUT THIS STATEMENT:
KATHY BARNETTE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO WIN THE GENERAL ELECTION
AGAINST THE RADICAL LEFT DEMOCRATS.
SHE HAS MANY THINGS IN HER PAST WHICH HAVE NOT BEEN PROPERLY
EXPLAINED OR VETTED. ADDING, "BUT IF SHE IS ABLE TO
DO SO, SHE WILL HAVE A WONDERFUL FUTURE IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY,
AND I WILL BE BEHIND HER ALL THE WAY."
( SCREECH ) THAT'S A BIT OF AN ABRUPT TURN.
( AS GROOM ): CATHERINE TO BE MY LAWFULLY
WEDDED WIFE, TO LOVE AND CHERISH, IN SICKNESS AND IN
HEALTH 'TIL DEATH DO US PART. UNLESS ANY OF THESE BRIDESMAIDS
ARE INTO IT, I AM D.T.F." LET'S GET IT ON!
SPEAKING OF DERANGED LEADERS BRITISH PRIME MINISTER AND
MUPPET FINDING OUT WHERE THE HAND GOES, BORIS JOHNSON.
( LAUGHTER ) COVID WORK-FROM-HOME, JOHNSON IS
CALLING ON BRITS TO COME BACK TO THE OFFICE, EXPLAINING, "MY
EXPERIENCE OF WORKING FROM HOME IS YOU SPEND AN AWFUL LOT OF
TIME MAKING ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE AND THEN, YOU KNOW,
GETTING UP, WALKING VERY SLOWLY TO THE FRIDGE, HACKING OFF A
SMALL PIECE OF CHEESE, THEN WALKING VERY SLOWLY BACK TO YOUR
LAPTOP, AND THEN FORGETTING WHAT IT WAS YOU'RE DOING."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ATTENTION SPAN?
( AS BORIS ) NUCLEAR MISSILES AGAINST OUR
ENEMIES IN-- OH! GOUDA!
DON'T MIND IF I DO-DA. NOW, WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT?
GROMMET! THERE'S SOME GOOD NEWS ABOUT
RUSSIAM BECAUSE THERE'S SOME BAD NEWS FOR RUSSIA:
FINLAND AND SWEDEN HAVE BOTH SIGNED OFF ON THEIR BIDS TO JOIN
NATO. AND FINLAND--
( APPLAUSE ). AND FINLAND AND SWEDEN ARE VERY
SERIOUS ABOUT MAKING THIS OFFICIAL.
THEY EACH LEFT A TOOTHBRUSH IN NATO'S BATHROOM.
ONE OF RUSSIA'S MAIN GOALS IN INVADING UKRAINE WAS TO WEAKEN
NATO. NOW, INSTEAD, THE ALLIANCE IS
"ON THE BRINK OF STARTING ITS LARGEST POTENTIAL EXPANSION IN
NEARLY TWO DECADES." HOW IRONIC.
( APPLAUSE ) WHERE THE GUY BUYS HIS WIFE THE
COMBS FOR HER HAIR, AND SHE JOINS NATO.
( LAUGHTER ) FINLAND JOINING, BECAUSE IT
WOULD DOUBLE THE SIZE OF RUSSIA'S LAND BORDER WITH
NATO AND ENTIRELY ENCIRCLE ITS THREE PORTS ON THE BALTIC SEA.
AND IF RUSSIA LOSES THE BALTIC, ALL NATO HAS TO DO IS BUY
MEDITERRANEAN AVENUE, AND THEY CAN START PUTTING UP HOTELS.
AND THEN IT'S OVER, BABY! ( APPLAUSE )
PASS "GO," BUT THEN YOU'RE RIGHT THERE.
NOW, BEFORE THE INVASION, PUTIN SAID THAT ANY OF RUSSIA'S
NEIGHBORS JOINING NATO WOULD BE A RED LINE FOR THE COUNTRY, BUT
YESTERDAY, PUTIN SAID SWEDEN AND FINLAND JOINING NATO WOULD CAUSE
"NO PROBLEMS." APPARENTLY, RUSSIA IS SWITCHING
MILITARY TACTICS FROM NAKED AGGRESSION TO PASSIVE
AGGRESSION. BECAUSE "NO PROBLEM" NEVER MEANS
"NO PROBLEM." IT'S RULE NUMBER ONE IN DEALING
WITH DICTATORS AND MOTHERS. ( AS MOM )
CHRISTMAS BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO COSTA RICA WITH YOUR
NEW GIRLFRIEND? NO PROBLEM-- EVEN THOUGH IT
MIGHT BE THE LAST CHRISTMAS WHERE WE'RE ALL HERE.
WHO KNOWS, I COULD FALL DOWN THE STAIRS TOMORROW.
OF COURSE, YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN ME GRANDCHILDREN YET, SO I GUESS I
WON'T BE MISSING THAT MUCH. BUT YOU GO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
I'LL JUST SIT HERE IN THE DARK. IT'S...
IT'S NO PROBLEM." BUT, REGARDLESS--
( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S FINE.
YOU GO AHEAD." BUT REGARDLESS OF PUTIN'S
REACTION, THIS IS A REALLY COMPLICATED GEOPOLITICAL SHIFT,
ESPECIALLY FOR SWEDEN, WHO HAS MAINTAINED NEUTRALITY FOR OVER
200 YEARS. AND JOINING US NOW TO BREAK IT
DOWN FOR US ARE "THE LATE SHOW'S" TOP SWEDISH EXPERTS.
WHAT, IN YOUR OPINION, IS SWEDEN SAYING ABOUT NATO
MEMBERSHIP? ♪ TAKE A CHANCE ON ME ♪
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK PUTIN IS GOING TO SAY ABOUT
THAT? ♪ I TRIED TO HOLD YOU BACK
BUT YOU WERE STRONGER ♪ >> Stephen: BY THE WAY, WHAT'S A
GOOD MOVIE TO WATCH IF YOU JUST NEED AN ESCAPE FROM THE BAD
NEWS? ♪ SUPER TROUPER ♪
>> Stephen: THAT'S WEIRD. I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA SAY--
♪ MAMMA MIA ♪ >> Stephen: YEAH, THAT ONE.
SO, IN CONCLUSION: ♪ FERNANDO ♪
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR THAT ANALYSIS.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS RICKY GERVAIS. HE'S GOING TO BE OVER THERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL BE OVER THERE WITH "MEANWHILE."
JOIN US, WON'T YOU.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WELCOME BACK EVERYBODY! GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND RIGHT
THERE. "THE LATE SHOW"" BAND.
FANTASTIC. FANTASTIC.
LOUIS, WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING TONIGHT?
THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL GUITAR. >> THIS IS MY FIRST ELECTRIC
GUITAR. I HAVE HAD THIS GUITAR SINCE I
WAS 17 YEARS OLD. >> Stephen: THAT WAS YOUR
FIRST ELECTRIC GUITAR? >> YES.
>> Stephen: HOW MANY INSTRUMENTS TO YOU PLAY, LOUIS?
>> A FEW. >> I GOT ATOM BRON.
>> Stephen: THAT'S VERY DIFFERENT THAN GUITAR PLAYING.
WHAT'S A DIFFERENT SKILL REQUIRED FOR TROMBONE PLAYING
THAT YOU DON'T NEED FOR GUITAR PLAYING.
ABTITURE. THAT'S THE POSITIONING OF YOUR
MOUTH SO YOU CAN CHANGE THE TONE IN THE BRASS INSTRUMENT BETWEEN
THE PARTIALS OF THE BRASS INSTRUMENT.
>> Stephen: THE PARTIAL. >> YOU PLAYED BARITONE FOR A
SKIT, RIGHT? YEAH, EXACTLY.
>> Stephen: I HAD TO DO THAT ONCE.
BACK IN THE DAY WHEN I WAS 24, OR SOMETHING, I HAD TO
UNDERSTUDY A PART STASTEVE CARELL WAS DOING.
AND HE PLAYED UPON TROMBONE YOU GOT IT!
>> Stephen: I GOT LIKE "ANCHORS AWAY.
THE. COMING OUT IN JUST A FEW
MINUTES HERE, WE HAVE THE LOVELY, THE TALENTED, RICKY
GERVAIS IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE IN JUST A MOMENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). HE HAS A SHOW CALLED
"SUPERNATURE." WE TALK ABOUT THE EXISTENCE OF
GOD OR NONEXISTENCE OF GOD. I DON'T KNOW IF WE'RE GOING TO
DO THAT TONIGHT. WE'LL PROBABLY FIGHT ABOUT
SOMETHING IN A FRIENDLY WAY. THAT AND "LORD OF THE RINGS."
I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME, RIGHT SPEND MOST OF MY TIME, RIGHT
OVER THERE, CULTIVATING THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES,
PLUCKING THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND TOPICAL NEWS VIOLETS AND
MARIGOLDS, STRIPPING THE FRENCH LAVENDER FROM THE STEM AND
LOVINGLY PRESSING THEM ALL BETWEEN THE PAGES OF A GILDED
FIRST EDITION OF "PRIDE AND PREJUDICE."
I THEN FOLD THEM INTO A DOUGH I HAND ROLLED FROM PASINI BAKERY
FLOUR, BORDIER BUTTER, AND CHILLED SOMERDALE DEVON DOUBLE
CREAM, SPRINKLE THEM WITH A PINCH OF MUSCOVADO SUGAR, AND
BAKE THEM IN A "LA CORNUE GRAND PALAIS" RANGE TO PERFECTLY PREP
THE GOURMET FLORAL SHORTBREAD COOKIE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, FOLKS, SOMETIMES, I AM NIBBLED AWAKE BY AN AMOROUS
RACCOON IN THE ABANDONED WALK-IN FREEZER OF A HAUNTED BAKERY IN
WHICH I HAVE ESTABLISHED SQUATTER'S RIGHTS, I SLIP INTO
THE TWISTED KITCHENAID PADDLES I CALL SHOES, AND KNIFE FIGHT A
POSSUM FOR AN EXPIRED BAG OF CRUSHED BREAKFAST CEREAL DUST
AND A BROKEN EGG, WHICH I MIX WITH THREE SMUSHED RESTAURANT
BUTTER PACKETS I STOLE FROM A NAPPING RETIREE'S PURSE, POUR
THE REST OF A SHATTERED BOTTLE OF RUBBING ALCOHOL I FOUND IN
THE DUMPSTER OUT BACK INTO A RUSTY BARREL TO IGNITE THE HOBO
FIRE OVER WHICH I BAKE MY SLUDGE, THEN DISPLAY IT IN A
FILTHY CHEF'S HAT TO SERVE YOU THE DERANGED RAT KING BISCUIT OF
NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE"!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU HAVE A GOLDEN TICKET WAITING
FOR YOU. MEANWHILE, IN CYBER CRIME NEWS
A GUY WHO SOLD METH UNDER THE SCREEN NAME "DRUGS R US" IS
GOING TO PRISON. "DRUGS R US"?
WAIT A SECOND. JIMMY, CAN WE SEE HIS MUG SHOT?
OH, JEFFREY, HOW FAR YOU'VE FALLEN.
AFTER GETTING ARRESTED, MR. "R US" CONTINUED SELLING
DRUGS FROM JAIL. IN PHONE CALLS THAT WERE
RECORDED, INCLUDING ONE WITH HIS WIFE, SHE SAYS TO HIM, "I DON'T
KNOW THE LOGIN FOR THE OTHER THING, THE DARK WEB," TO WHICH
HE REPLIES, "IT'S 'DRUGS R US.'" THAT IS INSANE.
WE HAVE THE SAME PASSWORD. ( LAUGHTER )
JAMES CROMWELL GLUED HIS HAND TO A STARBUCKS COUNTER IN PROTEST,
DENOUNCING THE SURCHARGE FOR VEGAN MILK ALTERNATIVES.
THAT IS SO INSPIRING. REMINDS ME OF WHEN GANDHI
PROTESTED THE PRICE OF AN ALOHA PINEAPPLE SMOOTHIE BY ZIP-TYING
HIMSELF TO A JAMBA JUICE. ( LAUGHTER )
WHEN YOU LIVE IN REMOTE ALASKA, YOUR DOORDASH ORDER COMES BY
PLANE AND CAN TAKE AS LONG AS A COUPLE OF DAYS.
THE REVIEWS ARE POURING IN, AND THEY ARE AS WARM AS FOOD THAT
SPENT TWO DAYS ON A PLANE. ONE ALASKAN SAID, "IT'S NOT HOT.
IT'S NOT FRESH. BUT AT THE SAME TIME, IT HAS THE
FLAVOR YOU'RE WANTING." ( LAUGHTER )
SLOGAN FOR PAPA JOHN'S. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY, MIGRATING TURTLES DON'T
REALLY KNOW WHERE THEY'RE GOING. WHAT A STRANGE WAY TO FIND OUT
THAT I AM A MIGRATING TURTLE. ( LAUGHTER )
EMERGENCY EXIT OF A UNITED AIRLINES JET, WALKED ONTO A WING
AS THE PLANE TAXIED AT O'HARE INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, AND
JUMPED ONTO THE TARMAC. TO BE FAIR, THOUGH, THE
IN-FLIGHT MOVIE WAS "MORBIUS".
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH RICKY GERVAIS.
( APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW."
ALREADY IN PROGRESS. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY GUEST
TONIGHT IS AN EMMY-WINNING COMEDIAN WHO CREATED "THE
OFFICE," "EXTRAS," AND "AFTER LIFE."
HE HAS A NEW STANDUP SPECIAL "SUPERNATURE."
>> PEOPLE QUIZ ME ON TWITTER WHEN THEY FIND OUT AN ATHEIST.
"YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD AT ALL?"
"NO." "DO YOU PRAY?"
I GO, "NO." "WHY DON'T YOU PRAY JUST IN CASE
THERE'S A GOD." I SAY, "WHY DON'T YOU PUT GARLIC
OVER YOUR DOOR JUST IN CASE THERE'S A DRACULA."
I HAVE NO PROBLEMS WITH PRAYING. I KNOW LOADS OF NICE CHRISTIANS
AND MUSLIMS AND JEWS. THEY SAY, I'LL PRAY FOR YOU, I
SAY THAT'S A NICE GESTURE. AND THEY SAY, WE'LL CANCEL YOUR
CHEMO THERAPY. DON'T DO THAT.
LET'S DO THE PRAYING AND THE CHEMOTHRM, SHALL WE, LET'S
DEFINITELY KEEP THAT ONE, SHALL WE?
( LAUGHTER ) TO "THE LATE SHOW," RICKY
GERVAIS! ♪ MOVE ON UP
MOVE ON UP MOVE ON UP ♪ >> AMAZING.
>> Stephen: WHAT? >> AMAZING.
>> Stephen: QUITE LOVELY, ISN'T IT?
NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. >> IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE SPOKEN A COUPLE OF TIMES OVER, YOU KNOW,
LOCKDOWN, KIND OF QUARANTINE, COVID, BUT YOU ACTUALLY HAVEN'T
BEEN HERE FOR ALMOST THREE YEARS.
IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU HERE AGAIN IN PERSON.
IT'S A SPECIAL SOMETHING. IT'S A MICRONUTRIENT I'M GETTING
FOR RICKY GERVAIS BEING HERE IN PERSON.
>> I HAVEN'T WON UNDERPANTS FOR THREE YEARS.
>> Stephen: WHY START NOW? >> EVEN GETTING DRESSED NOW IS A
BIT OF A CHORE. IT'S LOVELY TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU. HOW WAS YOUR-- OBVIOUSLY, COVID,
LOCKDOWN IS NO FUN. >> BUT IT SORT OF SUITED ME.
>> Stephen: IT SUITED YOU? >> I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE COMING TO
THE HOUSE. >> Stephen: DO YOU LIKE PEOPLE
AT ALL? >> THEY'RE NOT MY FAVORITE
ANIMAL. ( LAUGHTER )
I DO LIKE PEOPLE. BUT AS LONG AS I COULD-- YEAH, I
LIKE MY PRIVACY. I DON'T LIKE DOING MUCH.
SO I DIDN'T HAVE TO GET OUT OF ANYTHING.
PEOPLE STOPPED INVITING ME TO THINGS, WHICH IS GOOD.
I COULD STILL WALK EVERY DAY TO MEET DOGS.
IF THEY SAID YOU CAN'T TOUCH A DOG IN COVID, THAT WOULD BE A
PROBLEM. BUT YOU HAVE TOO KEEP AWAY FROM
PEOPLE, NOT A PROBLEM. NOT A PROBLEM.
>> Stephen: THERE WAS A PERIOD OF TIME THEY WEREN'T SURE IF
DOGS CARRIED IT, AND THAT WAS SCARY.
>> I'D RISK CATCHING IT FOR DOGS.
I WALKED IN CENTRAL PARK TODAY, I'VE BEEN THERE TWO DAYS, AND
I'VE BEEN FOUL TIMES, AND I SCRUFFLE DOG S.
>> Stephen: SCRUFFLE, IS THAT AN ENGLISH TERM?
>> NO. THIS IS HOW WEIRD I AM.
NOW, I FOUND OUT THEY CARRY A STICK AND THE DOG SEES THE STICK
AND COMES OVER, I GIVE IT THE STICK, AND IT LOVES ME EVEN
MORE. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: IT IS A LITTLE WEIRD.
THAT'S LIKE CANDY FROM A STRANGER.
THAT'S A LITTLE ODD. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF WEIRD, I WAS JUST REMINDED BY MY
PRODUCER WHO WAS TALKING TO YOU EARLIER, WHEN YOU WERE HERE
THREE YEARS AGO, WE USED TO DO THIS BIT ON THE SHOW CALLED
"PERSONAL SPACE." WE WOULD HAVE, LIKE, ONE OF THE
STARS WHO WAS COMING ON THE SHOW, WE WOULD HAVE THEM-- I'LL
SHOW YOU-- WE WOULD HAVE THEM STICK THEIR HEADS IN A BOX WITH
ME, AND IT WAS CALLED "STEPHEN COLBERT'S PERSONAL SPACE," LIKE
THAT. AND I CAN'T BELIEVE, SEEING HOW
MUCH YOU'RE NOT HUGE FANS OF A PERSON OR PEOPLE THAT YOU DID
THIS WITH ME. YOU TRULY DIDN'T SEEM TO ENJOY
IT. >> NO, IT WAS HORRIBLE.
( LAUGHTER ) CLIP?
HAVE YOU EVER HAD AN IMPOSSIBLE BURGER?
>> THAT'S WHAT. >> Stephen: IT'S A VEGETARIAN
BURGER. >> NO.
>> Stephen: IT'S DELICIOUS. >> HAVE YOU EVER HAD ONE?
>> NO. >> Stephen: WOULD YOU LIKE TO
TRY ONE? >> YES.
>> OKAY. ( LAUGHTER )
NO. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: OPEN YOUR MOUTH. OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
>> NO! NO!
YOU CAN'T-- LISTEN, THIS IS-- THIS-- HONESTLY.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: CAN YOU IMAGINE
DOING THAT IN A POST-COVID WORLD?
>> DON'T MAKE IT SOUND LIKE IT WAS NORMAL THEN.
( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS WEIRD AT THE TIME BEFORE
COVID WAS INVENTED. >> Stephen: SURE.
>> THAT WAS WEIRD. >> Stephen: SURE.
BUT PEOPLE HAD A GOOD TIME. >> A MAN-- TALK ABOUT-- ME
GIVING A STICK TO A DOG. A MAN GIVING ME A BURGER WITH
HIS MOUTH. >> Stephen: IN A BOX.
>> IN A BOX. >> Stephen: YES.
( LAUGHTER ) THINGS THAT YOU DO LOVE, YOU
HAD-- YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL COSTAR, YOUR SERIES "AFTER LIFE"
JUST RECENTLY ENDED. >> OH!
>> Stephen: THERE'S YOUR BEAUTIFUL COSTAR.
WHO IS THIS? WHO ARE WE LOOKING AT HERE?
>> THIS IS-- THIS IS AUNT TILLY, WHO PLAYS BRANDY.
SHE WAS 11 LAST MONTH. AND SHE'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
DOG. YEAH.
>> Stephen: WOW. IS IT HARD?
SOMETIMES WHEN YOU END A SHOW, IT CAN FEEL LIKE A FAMILY, YOU
KNOW, LIKE BREAKING UP A RELATIONSHIP.
WHAT'S IT LIKE HAVING TO SAY GOOD-BYE TO A CAST MEMBER LIKE
THIS? >> THE REST OF THE CAST I WAS
SAYING GOOD-BYE-- WHATEVER-- AND WHEN I WENT TO HUG HER, THAT'S
WHEN WE REALLY GOT EMOTIONAL. I WAS THINKING, SHE DOESN'T KNOW
WHY SHE WON'T SEE ME NEXT WEEK. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
SO I WAS WORRIED. BUT THEN, I SEE HER IN PUBLICITY
AND STUFF. >> HOW DOES SHE REACT WHEN SHE
SEES YOU? >> SHE RUNS STRAIGHT OVER TO ME.
HONESTLY, THERE IS NOTHING AS BEAUTIFUL AS A DOG.
YEAH. ( APPLAUSE )
QUICK BREAK, BUT WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE RICKY GERVAIS.
( APPLAUSE ). HERE AND WE'LL DO ONE MORE.
HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE BACK HERE WITH STAR OF STAGE AND SCREEN--
STAGE? STAGE.
STAGE AND SCREEN, RICKY GERVAIS. YOU HAVE THIS NEW SPECIAL NOW
CALLED "SUPERNATURE." >> YES.
>> Stephen: AND YOU STARTED WORKING ON THIS IN 2018?
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: OKAY.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: AND, OBVIOUSLY,
HAD TO STOP-- HOW LONG DOES IT USUALLY TAKE YOU TO PUT TOGETHER
A SHOW? >> WELL, I DO LIKE, 40 OR 50 OR
EVEN MORE WARM-UPS, AND THEN I GO ON TOUR, AND I MIGHT DO 150
GIGS. SO I'D DONE THE WARM-UP, I
STARTED GIGGING THE END OF 18, AND IT STOPPED THE END OF
FEBRUARY, AND STARTED AGAIN IN JULY '21, AND I FINISHED IT.
>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO GUESS YOU HAVE NEVER TAKEN A TWO-YEAR
BREAK WHILE WORKING ON A PROJECT?
>> NO, NO. >> Stephen: WHAT DID IT DO TO
A SHOW? DID YOU CHANGE THE JOKES?
>> IT WAS ALWAYS EVOLVING. THERE WAS A THOUGHT, "WILL THIS
BE OUT OF DATE?" AND I REALIZE WHEN YOU'RE
DEALING WITH, YOU KNOW, FAMINE, AIDS, CANCER, HITLER, THOSE
DUDES ARE EVERGREEN. >> Stephen: YEAH, SO THEY'RE
NOT GOING TO. THEY DON'T DATE.
>> Stephen: THERE IS NO AUDIENCE THAT ISN'T GOING TO
LOVE THAT. >> BOOO!
NOT HITLER! IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.
>> Stephen: GET OVER IT! ( LAUGHTER )
YEAH, BUT YOU ALWAYS EVOLVE, YOU SPICE IT UP AND THINGS HAPPEN.
>> Stephen: WHEN PEOPLE GO TO A RICKY GERVAIS COMEDY SHOW, DO
YOU CALL IT A CONCERT, SHOW? >> YEAH, THEY START OFF SMALL,
AND THEN THEY GET TO, LIKE, ARENAS.
>> Stephen: WHEN SOMEBODY GOES, THEY HAVE TON YOU'RE GOING
TO BE DEALING WITH SUBJECTS THAT SOME PEOPLE MIGHT FIND
OFFENSIVE. LIKE YOU DON'T GO TO A RICKY
GERVAIS CONCERT FOR JUST FEEL GOOD.
>> THEY DO FEEL GOOD, AND THE AIM IS TO MAKE THEM LAUGH AND
THEY DO LAUGH, BUT THEY KNOW I DEAL WITH TABU SUBJECTS, BUT I
DEAL WITH TABOO SUBJECTS BECAUSE I WANT TO TAKE THE AUDIENCE TO A
PLACE THEY HAVEN'T BEEN BEFORE. AND I THINK PEOPLE GET OFFENDED
WHEN THEY MISTAKE THE SUBJECT OF THE JOKE WITH THE ACTUAL TARGET,
AND PEOPLE KNOW YOU CAN DEAL WITH ANY, PARTICULARLY WHEN
DEALING WITH IRONY. IN THE NEW SHOW, I EXPLAIN IRONY
AT THE BEGINNING AS A JOKE, JUST TO WARN THEM.
AND THEY GET IT. >> Stephen: DO YOU MIND
SHARING YOUR DEFINITION OF IRONY FOR US?
>> I CAN'T-- AND I SAY SOMETHING AND I SAY, "THAT WAS IRONY.
THERE'S GOING TO BE A BIT OF THAT THROUGHOUT THE SHOW."
AND THEN I SAY SOMETHING LIKE, "WHEN I SAY... I DON'T MEAN AS
COMIC EFFECT, AND YOU AS AN AUDIENCE, YOU LAUGH AT THE WRONG
THING BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT THE RIGHT THING IS.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE PART OF THE GAME.
>> HUMOR GETS US OVER BAD STUFF. THAT'S WHY I LAUGH ABOUT
TERRIFYING BAD THINGS. YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHY COMEDIANS
ARE OBSESSED WITH DEATH BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT GETS US THROUGH--
IT'S AN INOCULATION TO THE REAL THINGS THAT ARE GOING TO HAPPEN.
AND I THINK WE SECOND GUESS, PARTICULARLY ON TELEVISION, EVEN
IN AFTERLIFE, WHICH IS ABOUT A GUY WHO IS SUICIDAL BECAUSE HIS
WIFEIDIZE OF CANCER. PEOPLE SAY, CAN THE PUBLIC TAKE
THIS?" OF COURSE THEY CAN, BECAUSE REAL
LIFE IS WORSE. REAL LIFE IS SCARIER.
AND PEOPLE LIKE TO SEE THINGS EXPLORED AND THEY LIKE TO SEE
THEMSELVES. AND I NEVER HAD A REACTION LIKE
IT REQUEST "AFTER LIFE," AND PEOPLE SAY, "I LOST MOI MOM, OR
I LOST MY HUSBAND," AND IT HELPED.
THEY WANT TO SEE IT NOT COMPROMISED.
THEY WANT TO LIVE THROUGH IT. AND IN FICTION, WE █CREATE OUR
OWN HEROES AND VILLAINS, AS ROLE PLAYING FOR THE SOUL.
WE GO THROUGH THOSE EMOTIONS AND IT MAKES US STRONGER.
I THINK THAT'S WHAT IT'S FOR. THAT'S WHAT COMEDY IS FOR TO
MAKE US FEEL GOOD. >> Stephen: I THINK IF IT'S AN
HONEST HUMAN EXPERIENCE THAT YOU'RE DESCRIBING OR EXPLORING
WITH YOUR JOKES, THE AUDIENCE RECOGNIZES IT.
>> EXACTLY. >> Stephen: IT'S LIKE "I'M A
HUMAN BEING, NOTHING HUMAN IS FOREIGN TO ME."
>> YES. >> Stephen: SO IT'S NOT SO
DARING AS IT IS UNIQUE. >> I DO-- I THINK I CELEBRATE
ALL THE BEST AND WORST THINGS IN HUMANITY.
I SAY WE'RE ALL IDIOTS, SO IT'S OKAY.
AND I THINK THAT'S. >> Stephen: ISN'T THAT NICE?
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: BACK TO YOUR LIKE,
"I DON'T MEAN WHAT I'M SAYING BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT."
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: WHEN I WAS-- I
DIDN'T USED TO LIKE MY CHILDREN TO WATCH MY OLD SHOW "THE
COLBERT REPORT" BECAUSE IT WAS A CHARACTER AND IT HAD MY NAME AND
MY FACE, REQUEST AND I DIDN'T WANT THEM TO SEE ME AS A PURELY
IRON IRONIC FIGURE AND ONE DAY I WAS ON THE PHONE WORKING ON A
SCRIPT WITH A FRIEND OF MINE, AND I DIDN'T REALIZE MY DAUGHTER
WAS IN THE ROOM WATCHING THE ENTIRE TIME LISTENING, AND SHE
WAS THE CORNER. AND I HUNG UP THE PHONE AND SHE
WAS LOOKING AT ME LIKE THIS OUT OF THE CORNER OF HER EYE.
AND I SAID, "WERE YOU LISTENING TO THAT?"
AND SHE SAID, "UH-HUH. I THINK I UNDERSTAND."
I SAID, "WHAT DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"
SHE SAID, "YOU DON'T MEAN WHAT YOU'RE SAYING."
AND I SAID, "THAT'S RIGHT, DADDY DOESN'T MEAN WHAT HE'S SAYING...
FOR A LIVING." >> THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT. >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK. STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE ONE,
THE ONLY, RICKY GERVAIS. WHAT IS THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE
TITLE "SUPERNATURE"? >> "SUPERNATURE," TWO REASONS.
I TRY TO DEBUNK THE SUPERNATURAL.
IF NOT NOW, THAN EVENTUALLY. >> Stephen: YOU MADE ME THINK
OF SOMETHING THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH RELIGION.
YOU ARE SO PREJUDGEY. YOU ARE SUCH A BIGOT.
>> SUPERNATURE, BECAUSE I DON'T NEED ANGELS AND UNICORNS.
IT'S A FACT. I DO ACTUALLY TALK QUITE A LOT
ABOUT ANIMALS. I'M FASCINATED WITH ANIMALS.
AND THE PLATYPUS PRODUCES EGGS AND MILK.
AND IT COULD MAKE ITS OWN KUFTARD.
( LAUGHTER ). POISON.
SO IT COULD BE A POISON KUFTARD. >> A POISON KUFTARD.
THAT'S YOUR NEXT NOVEL. >> Stephen: I WAS GOING TO ASK
YOU THE THING THAT WASN'T A RELIGIOUS MOMENT, EVERYTHING IS
SORT OF AN EXPRESSION OF NATURE. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ARTIFICIAL
INTELLIGENCE? DOES THAT WORRY YOU?
IT DOESN'T WORRY ME THAT MUCH. IT'S ANOTHER CREATION BUT ALSO
ANOTHER THING THAT HAPPENED IN NATURE.
THERE'S NOTHING ARTIFICIAL ABOUT IT.
IT'S AN EXPRESSION OF US, BECAUSE WE'RE PART OF NATURE.
>> OH, YEAH, EXCEPT I THINK-- I DON'T KNOW IF I EVER WILL-- I
DON'T THINK ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS QUITE THE SAME
AS THE HUMAN BRAIN WORKS, FOR A START, BUT IT CAN BE A CLOSE
FACSIMILE. IF YOU THINK OF INTELLIGENCE AS
TRYING TO SOLVE PROBLEMS, THAT'S ALL IT IS.
AND WE THINK WE'RE THE BEST BECAUSE WE'RE THE MOST
INTELLIGENT. BUT I DON'T SEE THAT.
I SEE US AS A PART OF NATURE. IF YOU GO AROUND I'M NOT EVOLVE
ENOUGH, IT'S KNOT IT JUST PERFECT.
IT'S GOT IT JUST RIGHT. WILL THERE BE ROBOTS THAT WILL
FEEL PAIN AND CRY AND-- YEAH, PROBABLY.
ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT ARTIFICIALLY INTELLIGENCE TAKING
OVER? PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF A.I.
I WOULD LOVE FOR ANY INTELLIGENCE TO TAKE OVER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). >> Stephen: "SUPERNATURE" IS
AVAILABLE MAY 24 ON NETFLIX. RICKY GERVAIS, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY TROMBONE SHORTY.
>> PERFORMING THE TITLE TRACK FROM HIS NEW ALBUM, "LIFTED,"
TROMBONE SHORTY.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ I GOT THIS FUNNY FEELING LATELY
♪ WAY UP ABOUT 20,000 FEET
♪ BEEN DANCING WITH THIS GOLDEN LADY
♪ CAN'T SHAKE THIS FEELING SHE GOT A GRIP ON ME
♪ AND I WANT TO GO HIGH HIGH
♪ HIGH HIGH
♪ GET LIFTED, BABY BUT DON'T YOU FLOAT AWAY
♪ CAN'T CONTROL THIS, BABY GET LIFTED, BABY
♪ A MILLION MILES AWAY DRIVIN' ME SO CRAZY
♪ I ACT LIKE I DON'T NEED YOU, BABY
♪ BUT I KNOW YOUR EYES CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME
♪ GOT ME WIDE OPEN GOLDEN LADY
♪ CAN'T SHAKE THIS FEELING SHE GOT A GRIP ON ME
♪ AND I WANT TO GO HIGH HIGH
♪ HIGH HIGH
♪ GET LIFTED, BABY BUT DON'T YOU FLOAT AWAY
♪ CAN'T CONTROL THIS, BABY GET LIFTED, BABY
♪ A MILLION MILES AWAY DRIVIN' ME SO CRAZY
♪ ♪ ♪ ( TROMBONE )
♪ HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY
♪ AND I WANT TO GO HIGH HIGH
♪ HIGH HIGH
♪ HIGH ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ GET LIFTED, BABY
BUT DON'T YOU FLOAT AWAY ♪ CAN'T CONTROL THIS, BABY
GET LIFTED, BABY ♪ A MILLION MILES AWAY
DRIVIN' ME SO CRAZY ♪ GET LIFTED,
BUT DON'T YOU FLOAT AWAY ♪ CAN'T CONTROL THIS, BABY
GET LIFTED, BABY
♪ A MILLION MILES AWAY DRIVIN' ME SO CRAZY ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EVERYBODY!
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST
WILL BE SECRETARY OF STATE ANTONY BLINKEN.
GOOD NIGHT.
HAVE YOU ROCKED AN ACORDIAN? -I HAVE ROCKED AN ACORDIAN.
WOW, WOW. -YEAH
YOU SEEM AS SURPRISED AS I AM.
IT WAS LIKE 7 YEARS AGO.
SURE, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY SAY. SOMEONE ELSE WOULD FILL IT IN.