>> THE FOUR SIMPLE WORDS THAT HAVE BEEN WHISPERED BY THE
INTREPID SINCE THE TIME OF THE ROMANS, "FORTUNE FAVOR THE
BRAVE." >> THAT NOTORIOUS MATT DAMON AD
FOR CRYPTOCURRENCY NOW BEING SEEN IN A NEW LIGHT.
>> $1 TRILLION WORTH OF VIRTUAL CURRENCIES, LIKE BITCOIN, WIPED
OUT OVER THE LAST MONTH. >> HISTORY IS FILLED WITH
"ALMOSTS." WITH THOSE WHO ALMOST
ADVENTURED, WHO ALMOST ACHIEVED, BUT ULTIMATELY...
>> I OWE. I NEED 15,000 TONIGHT.
>> THEN THERE ARE OTHERS, THE ONES WHO...
LOST MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. >> GOD!
GOD! GOD!
>> THE FOUR SIMPLE WORDS THAT
HAVE BEEN WHISPERED BY THE INTREPID SINCE THE TIME OF THE
ROMANS... IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: AND SHAQUILLE O'NEAL TAKES THE
COLBERT QUESTIONERT PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES:
SEBASTIAN STAN AND MUSICAL GUEST, SHARON VAN
ETTEN FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
HUMAN. AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
HELLO, LOUIS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
EVERYBODY, TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND LET ME JUST SAY-- YES, SIR-- LET ME JUST SAY HAPPY FRIDAY,
EVERYBODY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
THIS WEEKEND, I'M FEELING IT. THIS IS GOING TO BE A GREAT
WEEKEND TO GRAB SOME BURGERS AND BEERS AND HAVE A BARBEQUE, ONCE
YOU'VE SOLD A KIDNEY TO AFFORD THOSE BEERS AND BURGERS, BECAUSE
INFLATION IS STILL RUNNING RAMPANT.
COSTS ARE SO HIGH THAT OUR NEW FAVORITE GAME SHOW IS
"THE PRICE IS WHAT?!" ( LAUGHTER )
PEOPLE-- PEOPLE ARE ESPECIALLY-- ( APPLAUSE )
PEOPLE ARE ESPECIALLY FEELING THE PAIN AT THE GROCERY STORE.
REPORTERS ARE THAT SOME SHOPPERS ARE SAYING THE PRICE OF A BULK
PACK OF TOILET PAPER HAD SURGED FROM $17 TO $25.
THAT'S CRAZY. I REMEMBER RECENTLY WHEN TOILET
WEEKS OF THE PANDEMIC, ALL YOU NEEDED WAS SEVEN BUCKS AND THE
WILLINGNESS TO BODY-CHECK THE OLD LADY REACHING FOR IT INTO
THE CALGON DISPLAY. JUST THROW A BOW.
I GOT KIDS! ( APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, NOWHERE ARE PRICES
HIGHER THAN IN AIRPORTS. A RECENT INVESTIGATION CONFIRMED
THAT AIRLINE CUSTOMERS HAVE PAID AS MUCH AS $27 FOR A BEER AT
LAGUARDIA. PROVING THAT PEOPLE WILL PAY ANY
AMOUNT TO KILL THE FEELING OF BEING AT LAGUARDIA.
( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY-- COME VISIT.
COME VISIT NEW YORK. APPARENTLY, THE AMOUNT TRAVELERS
PAID FOR A BEER VARIED BETWEEN $23 ABD $27, DEPENDING ON THE
SIZE OF THE BEER. WHAT SIZE ARE THESE SUPPOSED TO
BE? FOR $27, I WANT A CAN TOO BIG
TO FIT IN THE OVERHEAD. ( LAUGHTER )
THE ECONOMY IS NO DOUBT GOING TO BE A MAJOR TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
THIS WEEKEND AT DAVOS THE ANNUAL CONFERENCE THAT BRINGS TOGETHER
BILLIONAIRES AND POLITICAL LEADERS AT A SWISS SKI RESORT
WHERE THEY ADDRESS CRITICAL CONCERNS, INCLUDING WEALTH
MANAGEMENT, CLIMATE CHANGE, AND MORE.
AND IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF DAVOS, YOU PROBABLY PAY TAXES.
AND THIS YEAR IS GOING TO BE A SKOOTCH DIFFERENT BECAUSE, FOR
THE FIRST TIME, THE DAVOS LINEUP WILL FEATURE PSYCHEDELIC
SHAMANS. OH, GOOD!
JUST WHAT BILLIONAIRES NEED: A LOOSER GRIP ON REALITY.
( LAUGHTER ) THOUGH, I WILL SAY THIS, THEY--
HI, ELON! THOUGH, I'M NOT SURPRISED
BILLIONAIRES TAKE MIND-BENDING DRUGS.
ITS THE ONLY THING THAT CAN POSSIBLY EXPLAIN CHOOSING THIS
GOATEE, THAT COWBOY HAT, AND THIS HAIRCUT.
HEY, BUDDY! THESE MIND-BENDING EXPERIENCES
WILL BE LEAD BY A VARIETY OF SPEAKERS THROUGHOUT THE WEEK,
INCLUDING SYLVIA BENITO, WHO HAS DEEP EXPERTISE IN AYAHUASCA AND
HAS EXPERIENCE MANAGING FAMILY INVESTMENTS.
I'M HOPING AT THE SAME TIME. ( LAUGHTER )
SWEAT YURT TO GO OVER YOUR PORTFOLIO.
WE SPLIT YOUR INVESTMENTS BETWEEN HIGH-YIELD STOCKS,
MEDIUM-YIELD BONDS, AND THE SENSE MEMORY OF YOUR WRONGED
ANCESTORS, WHO WILL APPEAR TO YOU AS A WOLF WITH YOUR FATHER'S
VOICE. NOW WALK WITH ME INTO THE FIRE,
WHERE WE SHALL ITEMIZE YOUR DEDUCTIONS!"
( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF-- SPEAKING OF--
AYAHUASCA. ANYBODY DONE THE AYAHUASCA OVER
THERE? NO?
OKAY, ALL RIGHT. SPEAKING OF RICH PEOPLE-- I'M
NOT A NARC. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY.
SPEAKING OF RICH PEOPLE, IF YOU INVESTED ALL YOUR MONEY IN
CRYPTO, YOU ARE NO LONGER RICH PEOPLE, BECAUSE OVER THE PAST
FEW WEEKS CRYPTOCURRENCIES HAVE MELTED DOWN IN A PERFECT STORM
OF FEAR AND PANIC. WHICH ARE THE TWO EMOTIONS I
FEEL WHEN SOMEONE TRIES TO EXPLAIN THE BLOC CHAIN TO ME.
HOW BAD IS IT? LAST WEEK MORE THAN $200 BILLION
WAS WIPED OFF THE CRYPTOCURRENCY MARKET IN ONE DAY.
OR TO PUT IT IN THE KIND OF TERMS CRYPTO INVESTORS
UNDERSTAND: "THREE AND A HALF APE CARTOONS DROWNED IN A TWEET
TOKEN OF NON-FUNGIBLE DROPS." ( LAUGHTER )
OF CRYPTO THAT WERE DESIGNED TO BE STABLE, LIKE TERRA, WHICH WAS
SUPPOSEDLY PEGGED TO THE U.S. DOLLAR.
BUT THEN, IN THE WAKE OF THE CRASH, SUDDENLY "UNPEGGED"
ITSELF. NOW, A WORD TO THE WISE: DO NOT
GOOGLE "SUDDENLY UNPEGGED." ( LAUGHTER )
YOU WILL NOT LEARN ABOUT CRYPTO. YOU WILL LEARN OTHER THINGS,
WHICH YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO UNLEARN.
NOW, I WANT TO BE CLEAR HERE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
YOU SHOULDN'T TAKE INVESTMENT ADVICE FROM ME.
I'M A CLOWN. I MAKE JOKES.
FARTS ARE FUNNY-- HA-HA. I'M NO FINANCIAL PLANNER.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE DOW.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE DOW IS MADE OF.
DOWLINGS? DOWTONS?
IS THAT WHAT THEY KEEP IN THAT ABBEY?
BUT I DO KNOW THAT A BIG PART OF THE APPEAL OF CRYPTO WAS THAT IT
WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A COOL, NEW ALTERNATIVE TO THE STOCK MARKET.
STOCK MARKET GO DOWN, CRYPTO GO UP, LIKE GOLD.
BUT NOW RESEARCHERS ARE SAYING THAT CRYPTO PRICES ARE MOVING IN
TANDEM WITH TRADITIONAL MARKETS. SO YOUR FAKE MONEY CAN DISAPPEAR
AT THE SAME TIME AS YOUR REAL MONEY?
THAT'S LIKE GETTING DUMPED BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND YOUR
SEX DOLL. ( LAUGHTER )
SEE-- AND I DON'T-- I DON'T BLAME HER.
I DON'T BLAME HER. MAINTENANCE.
SEE, THIS IS HOW CRYPTO EVIDENTLY WORKS IS SOMEBODY
MAKES UP FAKE MONEY, AND SOME EARLY PEOPLE COME IN EARLY AND
BUY IT. BUT LOTS OF OTHER PEOPLE HAVE TO
THEN BUY IT. AND THEY HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE
ELSE TO BUY IT AND THE PRICE GOES UP.
ONE OF THE REASONS MANY OF THOSE LITTLE PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT CRYPTO
IS BECAUSE OF THE BARRAGE OF CELEBRITIES WHO ENDORSED IT.
BUT, STRANGELY, NOW THAT THE CRYPTO MARKET HAS CRASHED,
THEY'RE STAYING PRETTY QUIET. IN FACT, WHEN REACHED FOR
COMMENT, THERE WAS NO RESPONSE FROM MATT DAMON, LEBRON JAMES
REESE WITHERSPOON, PARIS HILTON, MILA KUNIS, AARON RODGERS
TOM BRADY, OR GWYNETH PALTROW. WHEN WILL WE AS A SOCIETY LEARN
TO STOP BUYING THINGS FROM GWYNETH PALTROW?
( LAUGHTER ) I FEEL SO BAD FOR ALL THOSE
PEOPLE... ( APPLAUSE ).
JAMMED THAT ETHERIUM UP BEHIND THEIR PERINEUM.
LOOJ WITH HER JADE EGG. THERE'S ALSO-- IS THIS
AUSTRALIA? THERE'S NEWS OUT OF AUSTRALIA.
THEY HAVE A BIG ELECTION COMING UP, AND THE STAKES ARE HIGH FOR
CONSERVATIVE PRIME MINISTER AND BULLFROG THINKING ABOUT THE FLY
WHO GOT AWAY, SCOTT MORRISON. EVER SINCE MORRISON WAS ELECTED,
THE AUSTRALIAN P.M. HAS BEEN DOGGED BY SCANDALS ABOUT
EVERYTHING FROM ALLEGATIONS OF RACISM TO HIS FRIENDSHIP WITH A
PROMINENT QANON CONSPIRACY THEORIST.
THAT'S NOT GOOD. OF COURSE, DOWN THERE,
POLITICIANS' REPUTATIONS GO DOWN THE DRAIN COUNTER-CLOCKWISE.
( LAUGHTER ) LAST YEAR, THE PRIME MINISTER
WENT ON THE RADIO TO DENY THAT HE'D EVER POOPED HIS PANTS AT
McDONALD'S. ( LAUGHTER )
HIM OF IT. ( LAUGHTER )
NO SURPRISE-- SCOTT'S REELECTION CAMPAIGN HASN'T BEEN GOING
THE BEST. SO HE LAUNCHED A REBOOT THIS
WEEK TO GET SOME GOOD PRESS, WHICH BRINGS US TO THE LATEST
MORRISON NEWS: "AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER SCOTT
MORRISON TACKLED A CHILD TO THE GROUND DURING AN ELECTION
PHOTO-OP." LET'S GO TO THE TAPE:
>> OH! >> Stephen: YEAH.
TO WHICH HIS CAMPAIGN RESPONDED: "CAN WE GO BACK TO THE
McDONALD'S POOPING THING?" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUEST IS SEBASTIAN STAN.
AND I'LL BE GIVING THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT TO ONE MR. SHAQUILLE
O'NEAL. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE"! STICK AROUND.
EVERYBODY! GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND?
LOUIS CATO, AND ALL THE OTHER WONDERFUL MEMBERS OF STAY HUMAN,
EVERYBODY. ( APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN. >> Stephen: LOUIS.
>> STEPHEN. >> Stephen: OH, LOUIS CATO.
>> OH, STEPHEN COLBERT. >> Stephen: YOU GUYS SOUND
FANTASTIC TONIGHT. >> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY.
WE NEED THAT. LOUIS, WE'VE GOT-- THIS GUY IS
NOT ONLY VERY TALENTED, BUT I HEAR FROM RELIABLE SOURCES THAT
HE'S SUPER CUTE AND SEXY. SEBASTIAN STAN IS HERE TONIGHT.
>> OH, YEAH. >> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY
RIGHT. THOSE ARE THE SOUNDS I OFTEN
HEAR WHEN I MENTION HIS NAME AROUND MY HOUSE.
I'M ALSO GOING TO BE GIVING THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT TO
MR. SHAQUILLE O'NEAL TONIGHT. CAN'T LEAVE HIM OUT OF THAT.
HE'S GOING TO KILL IT. YO KNOW FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF
MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, WANDERING THE NEWS FOREST FOR
YOU, FELLING ONLY THE BIGGEST AND HEARTIEST WHITE STORY OAKS,
CUTTING AND SHAPING THEM INTO THE NEWSIEST, MOST TOPICAL
CLEATS, CLAMPS AND PLANKS, KEEPING THEM AT A CONSTANT
ANGLE, GRADUALLY CREATING A SHELL-SHAPED, SHALLOW BOWL HULL
USING THE FIRE-BENDING TECHNIQUE INSTEAD OF STEAM-BENDING
OBVIOUSLY. THEN I LAY IT ALL THE KEEL
BLOCKS TO CAREFULLY SET UP THE STEM, STERN AND, GARBOARD,
ATTACH THE BILGE FUTTOCKS TO THE TIMBER AND LOVINGLY CRAFT A FLAT
TRANSOM STERN OUT OF NATURALLY-CURVED QUARTER
CIRCLES. THEN SECURE ALL THE PLANKS WITH
TRUNNELS HANDMADE FROM THE FINEST LOCUST WOOD AND, FINALLY,
ADORN IT WITH A PROUD BOWSPRIT, FOREPEAK, AND CUSTOM GILDED
FIGUREHEAD TO PRESENT TO YOU THE DUTCH GOLDEN AGE "SPIEGEL-JACHT"
THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FOLKS-- YOU HAVE TO HYDRATE AFTER THAT.
"SPIEGEL-JACHT" THAT IS MY BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, I
AWAKEN FROM A MEAT-SWEATS- INDUCED FEVER STRAPPED TO A
BASKET ON THE WONDER WHEEL AT CONEY ISLAND, STUMBLE ACROSS THE
GARBAGE-FLECKED BEACH TO THE SOUND OF A TERRIFYING RAGGED
BELLOW I REALIZE IS COMING FROM MY OWN LUNGS, WHICH SUMMONS AN
ARMY OF SEAGULLS WHOM I INSTRUCT TO GATHER THE HALF-EMPTIED CANS
OF BUSCH LIGHT LEFT BY A MOB OF BELGIAN TOURISTS, ALL OF WHICH
I GATHER INTO A SACK I FASHIONED OUT OF PANTS I STOLE FROM A
SLEEPING COP. THEN I SWIPE A GIANT INFLATABLE BABY YODA FROM
A CARNY GAME AND STRAP IT TO A MAST I MADE BY RIPPING A B-68
BUS STOP SIGN OUT OF THE GROUND ON THE CORNER OF STILLWELL, THEN
LAUNCH THE VESSEL AS CAPTAIN OF THE UNREGULATED PIRATE BOOZE
CRUISE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"MEANWHILE"! IT'S EVERGE "MEANWHILE" IS
ETERNAL. IT IS ENDLESS AND EVERGREEN.
MEANWHILE, "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE MAY SCRAP ITS WEEKLY PRINT EDITION.
WHAT? NO, "PEOPLE"!
YOU CAN'T DO THIS NOW! THIS WAS OBVIOUSLY GOING TO BE
THE YEAR I WAS NAMED "PEOPLE'S SEXIEST MAN ALIVE"!
I SWEAR, HAND TO GOD, I SWEAR I WAS GOING TO START WORKING OUT
TOMORROW. ARE YOU NOT THE LEAST BIT
CURIOUS WHAT I WOULD LOOK LIKE WITH ABS?
BECAUSE MY GRAPHICS DEPARTMENT IS!
ARE YOU TELLING ME-- ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE
THAT ON YOUR COFFEE TABLE? AND MAY I REMIND YOU, THIS MEANS
PAUL RUDD IS NOW "SEXIEST MAN FOREVER."
MEANWHILE, A WISCONSIN MAN RECENTLY CELEBRATED 50 YEARS OF
EATING BIG MACS EVERY DAY, AND SAYS HE WILL CONTINUE EATING BIG
MACS WITH A COCA-COLA ON THE SIDE UNTIL HE DIES.
WHICH EXPERTS SAY SHOULD BE NEXT TUESDAY.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT LOOKS GOOD.
THAT LOOKS SO GOOD, MAN. MEANWHILE, ON TUESDAY, GRUBHUB
HAD A PROMOTION WHERE THEY OFFERED FREE LUNCH TO EVERYONE
IN NEW YORK CITY AND, SOMEHOW, OFFERING EIGHT MILLION MEALS
ALL AT ONCE DIDN'T GO SO GREAT. GRUBHUB'S FREE LUNCH OFFER IN
NEW YORK CRASHED ITS WEBSITE AND APP, BECAUSE THEY DID NOT HAVE
ENOUGH DRIVERS ON THE ROAD TO HANDLE THE VOLUME OF ORDERS,
LEADING TO MOUNTAINS OF UNCLAIMED WEDGE SALADS CONGEALED
ON RESTAURANT COUNTERS. THAT IS NOT RIGHT.
SALAD SHOULD NOT GO TO WASTE ON A RESTAURANT COUNTER.
IT SHOULD GO TO WASTE IN THE BACK OF MY REFRIGERATOR.
I SWEAR, I'M GONNA EAT IT TOMORROW UNLESS I DEFINITELY BUY
A MEATBALL SUB. BECAUSE NOW I DON'T NEED ABS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SO CLOSE. MEANWHILE, IN WEIRD SCIENCE
NEWS, SCIENTISTS USED GENE EDITING TO CREATE MUTANT
COCKROACHES IN A BREAKTHROUGH. REALLY?
CAN'T ROACHES ALREADY SURVIVE A NUCLEAR APOCALYPSE?
WHY ARE WE GIVING THEM MUTANT POWERS?
I DON'T WANT A COCKROACH THAT CAN READ MY MIND AND LOOKS SEXY
IN SPANDEX. ( LAUGHTER )
USE IT ON SOMETHING THAT NEEDS THE HELP, LIKE THE SALAD
AT THE BACK OF MY FRIDGE. I SWEAR I JUST PUT IT IN THERE
LAST WEEK, AND IT'S ALREADY PESTO.
THAT'S WHY I'M GETTING A MEATBALL SUB.
MEANWHILE, IN GREAT NEWS FOR LOVERS OF WRAPS, A TEAM AT
JOHNS HOPKINS HAS DEVELOPED AN EDIBLE TAPE THAT WILL KEEP
YOUR BURRITO FROM SPILLING. HEY, JOHNS HOPKINS.
GOOD JOB. NOW THAT YOU'VE NAILED THE
BURRITO PACKING TAPE-- WHICH I'M NOT SAYING ISN'T IMPORTANT--
HOW'S THAT CANCER RESEARCH COMING?
STILL LOOKING FOR A WAY TO HOT GLUE MY TACO SHUT?
GREAT. MEANWHILE, ERIC CLAPTON HAS
TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID. UNSURPRISING, AS HE IS A CRITIC
OF CORONAVIRUS VACCINES AND PANDEMIC RESTRICTIONS.
CLAPTON'S GOT A COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP WITH SHOTS.
HE FAMOUSLY ADMITS ADMINISTERING ONE TO THE SHERIFF, BUT HE
SWEARS HE DID NOT GIVE ONE TO THE DEP-U-TEE.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, THERE'S NEWS FROM
PARIS, WHERE TOURISTS WILL SOON BE ABLE TO STAY A NIGHT INSIDE
THE MOULIN ROUGE. RENTING OUT A SUMPTUOUS BOUDOIR
INCLUDES THE MOULIN ROUGE'S SIGNATURE CABARET SHOW AND A
THREE-COURSE FRENCH MEAL-- THOUGH, GUESTS WILL HAVE TO MAKE
DO WITH A SHARED TOILET. IS THIS AN AIRBNB OR AN ESCAPE
ROOM? ( AS FRENCH HOST )
AU GRATIN DROWNED IN CHEESE, STEAK SOAKED IN BUTTER, AND
A DOUBLE CREME CARAMEL. QUICK!
LOCK THE DOOR WHILE THEY FIGHT OVER THE TOILET.
BON CHANCE!" PLAWD
MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO A RECENT SURVEY OF DOG AND CAT OWNERS,
33% SAID THEY WOULD CHOOSE THEIR PET OVER THEIR SIGNIFICANT
OTHER, WHILE, 100% OF CATS SAID, "IF YOU DIE IN YOUR SLEEP, I
WILL EAT YOUR EYEBALLS." ( LAUGHTER )
SHAQUILLE O'NEAL. ♪ ♪ ♪
WELCOME BACK! WE ARE HERE WITH THE AUTHOR OF
"SHAQ'S FAMILY STYLE" NEW COOKBOOK FROM SHAQUILLE O'NEAL.
SHAQ, YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE SECOND TIME I'VE HAD A CHANCE TO
TALK TO YOU. BUT THE THING IS, EVEN WHEN WE
DO, LIKE, 10, 15 MINUTE OF TALKING TO EACH OTHER, THAT'S
HARD TO GET TO KNOW A GUEST IN THAT SHORT A PERIOD OF TIME, AND
I FEEL BAD THAT I'VE HAD CHARLES BARKLEY ON SO MANY TIMES AND I
KNOW HIM BETTER THAN I KNOW YOU, AND I'D LIKE TO MAKE UP FOR THAT
RIGHT NOW, OKAY? THIS IS MY APOLOGY TO YOU.
AND I HOPE YOU ACCEPT IT. I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE HAVING HIM
ON. I KNOW THAT.
WE HAVE COME UP WITH A WAY TO GET TO KNOW GUESTS PRETTY
QUICKLY HERE AT THE SHOW. IT'S CALLED THE COLBERT
QUESTIONERT. YOU ANSWER THESE 15 QUESTIONS
AND YOU WILL BE FULLY KNOWN BY ME AND THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.
DO YOU HAVE THE COURAGE? ARE YOU WILLING TO FACE THE
FIRE? >> OF COURSE.
>> Stephen: ♪ ♪ ♪
SHAQUILLE O'NEAL, FIRST QUESTION: WHAT IS THE BEST
SANDWICH? >> TURKEY CLUB.
>> ( APPLAUSE ).
IT'S A CLASSIC. PRETTY SAFE IN ANY HOTEL, TOO.
>> WITH EXTRA MAYO ON THE SIDE, WITH SOME FRIES.
>> Stephen: DO YOU DIP THE FRIES IN THE MAYO?
>> NO, MAN. >> Stephen: WHAT?
( LAUGHTER ) NO!
>> THEY DO THAT IN EUROPE. >> WE'RE NOT IN EUROPE.
>> Stephen: YOU PLAY IN THE EUROPEAN LEAGUE, THEY FORCE YOU
TO EAT MAYONNAISE OVER THERE. WHAT'S THE ONE THING YOU OWN
THAT YOU SHOULD REALLY THROW OUT?
( LAUGHTER ) MY FRONT YARD.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A 20-FOOT GUERRILLA IN YOUR FRONT YARD.
>> LEANING ON A TREE. >> Stephen: IN A TREE.
>> NO, LEANING ON A TREE, IN GEORGIA, JUST SITTING THERE
LOOKING AT PEOPLE WHEN THEY DRIVE BY.
( LAUGHTER ). PRETTY GOOD SECURITY SYSTEM.
NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT ONE. SHAQ, WHAT IS THE SCARIEST
ANIMAL? >> A SNAKE.
>> Stephen: CLASSIC, CLASSIC, YEAH.
APPAPPLES OR ORANGES? >> ACTUALLY, A SHARK.
I DID "SHARK WEEK "AND I ALMOST DIE.
>> Stephen: FROM THE SHARK OR FRIGHT.
>> SOME GENIUS WHO BUILT THE CAGE HAD AN OPENING THIS BIG.
I SAW IT AND I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT IT, AND WHEN I REALIZED IT
THE SHARK WAS COMING TOWARD THE THING AND I THOUGHT HE LOOKS
LIKE HE'S COMING IN. AND WHEN HE CAME IN, I JUST
STAYED AT THE BOTTOM. AND THEN HE CAME DOWN, AND I WAS
LIKE AAAH! AND I BUMPED HIM AND I GOT OUT
OF THE WATER SO FAST. >> Stephen: YOU PUNCHED A
SHARK? >> I SURE DID, RIGHT IN HIS
FACE. >> Stephen: A LITTLE ELBOW.
A LITTLE ELBOW? THERE YOU GO.
>> HE CAME DOWN WITH THOSE BIG EYES.
WHEN I WAS THERE THERE WERE A WHOLE BUNCH OF BUBBLES, BUT AS
SOON AS I SAW HIM I JUST STOPPED THE BUBBLES.
( LAUGHTER ) ANYMORE.
AND I WAS LIKE... >> DID YOU HAVE ASKING TO SAY TO
THE GUYS WHEN THEY GOT YOU BACK ON THE SURFACE?
>> NO, IT WAS ALL GOOD. YOU WHAN I SAID TO THEM, "DID
YOU GET THAT FOOTAGE? DID YOU GET THAT FOOTAGE?"
>> Stephen: SURE, IF YOU'RE ALMOST GOING TO DIE YOU WANT TO
GET THAT FOOTAGE. APPLES OR ORANGES, SHAQ.
>> ORANGES, I LIVE IN FLORIDA, SIR.
>> Stephen: CROSS A LINE. HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR
THEIR AUTOGRAPH. >> YES.
>> Stephen: WHO, DR. J., JULIUS IRVING.
>> Stephen: >> Stephen: DID HE GIVE IT TO
YOU? >> OF COURSE.
>> Stephen: WERE YOU YOUNG? >> WHEN I WAS IN THE N.B.A.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE?
>> NOBODY KNOWS. HEAVEN?
BARKLEY'S GOING TO HELL, SO... ( LAUGHTER )
HEAVEN? I'M GOING TO HEAVEN, SO...
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT. FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE.
>> FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE. HM.
"SUPERMAN." THE FIRST ONE.
>> Stephen: THE FIRST ONE, WITH CHRISTOPHER REEVE.
THERE YOU GO. YOU BELIEVE A MAN CAN FLY.
>> YES. >> Stephen: WINDOW OR AISLE.
>> PRIVATE. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: FAVORITE SMELL? >> FARTS.
( LAUGHTER ) HESITATE TO ASK THIS NEXT ONE--
LEAST FAVORITE SMELL. >> LIMBURGER CHEESE.
>> Stephen: MOST-USED APP ON YOUR PHONE?
>> WORLD STAR HIP HOP. >> Stephen: WHAT?
>> WORLD STAR HIP HOP. >> Stephen: WORLD STAR HIP
HOP. WHAT HAPPENS THERE?
>> A LOT. >> Stephen: OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) SECOND?
FAVORITE SMELL. YOUR FARTS, OR SOMEBODY ELSE'S.
>> EITHER/OR. >> Stephen: THAT'S
VERYIENEROUS WITH. >> WHEN BARKLEY FARTS, I SAY OH,
YOU WENT TO THE WAFFLE HOUSE THIS MORNING.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE LIKE A CONNOISSEUR.
YOU CAN NAME THE SLOPES THE GRAPES ARE GROWN ON.
>> EXACTLY. >> Stephen: THROUGH THE GOT TO
BE A MARKET FOR THAT SOME PLACE. CATS OR DOGS?
>> DOGS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
CATS! >> Stephen: CATS?
( APPLAUSE ). ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LISTEN TO ONE SONG FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT IS IT?
♪ SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ AND I DO, I DON'T KNOW THE WORDS, BUT I KNOW THE SONG
♪ SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OR-- OR-- OR ♪ TAKE THESE BROKEN WINGS
LEARN TO FLY AGAIN ♪ LEARN TO DISAPPEAR ♪
OR ♪ COME-A, COME-A, CAMELLIA ♪
OR ♪ I'VE SEEN YOUR TRUE COLOR
SHINING THROUGH ♪ >> Stephen: WOW, WOW, YOU
COULD PLAY CINDY LAUPER SOME DAY.
>> YES, I COULD. >> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I
THINKING OF? >> 27.
>> Stephen: NO. DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
IN FIVE WORDS. >> 10.
YEARS. AHEAD.
OLD FOLKS. HOME.
>> Stephen: OLD FOLKS IS HYPHENATED.
>> NO, OLD FOLKS IS ONE WORD. Q. OLD FOLKS IS ONE WORD?
JUDGES? IT'S ONE WORD OLE FOLKS.
>> Stephen: SHAQ, YOU'RE KNOWN NOW.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TAKING THE CHANCE.
>> Stephen: "SHAQ'S FAMILY STYLE" IS AVAILABLE NOW.
HE'LL BE BACK.
WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW." LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU ARE IN
FOR A TREAT. MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACTOR YOU
KNOW FROM "I, TONYA," "GOSSIP GIRL," AND
AS BUCKY BARNES THE WINTER SOLDIER IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE.
HE NOW PLAYS TOMMY LEE IN "PAM & TOMMY."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," SEBASTIAN STAN!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> YOU, TOO. THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME BACK
HERE. >> Stephen: THE LAST TIME YOU
WERE HERE-- AND I KNOW THIS FROM OTHER INTERVIEWS YOU HAVE DONE--
YOU'RE A HUGE FAN OF SPACE. AND YOU SAID IT LAST TIME-- YOU
SAID YOU WOULD GO TO SPACE IN A MINUTE IF YOU HAD THE
OPPORTUNITY. AND I'M A BIG FAN OF SPACE
MYSELF, SINCE I WAS A KID. BUT NOW, IT'S SIX YEARS SINCE
YOU'VE BEEN HERE, SIX YEARS LATER, THAT'S NOT A DREAM.
THAT'S A REALITY. YOU JUST CUT A CHECK, AND YOU
CAN GO. BUT WOULD YOU GO UP WITH, LIKE--
WHO'S DOING IT NOW? BEZOS IS DOING IT, BRANSON IS
DOING IT, AND ELON MUSK-- >> I DON'T KNOW IF I TRUST THOSE
GUYS WITH MY LIFE. >> Stephen: REALLY?
HW ABOUT THIS? HOW ABOUT THIS?
THERE'S GOING TO BE, SUPPOSEDLY, A SPACE HOTEL IN ORBIT IN THE
NEXT FEW YEARS, BY 2025, WHICH SEEMS AWFULLY FAST.
>> NO PRIVACY LEFT. >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN
NO PRIVACY? >> YOU CAN'T HAVE A SPACE HOTEL
WITHOUT HAVING A CAMERA IN EVERY ROOM, STEPHEN.
YOU KNOW THAT. >> Stephen: WHY?
>> IT GIVES VOYEURISM A WHOLE NEW RUN FOR ITS MONEY, DOESN'T
IT? >> Stephen: MISSION CONTROL IS
GOING TO HAVE TO BE WATCHING? >> 50 PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE
WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE GO TO THE BATHROOM.
>> Stephen: I GOTCHA. YOU KNOW WHAT?
HAVE YOU EVER GIVEN ANY THOUGHT TO WHAT SPACE SEX WOULD BE LIKE?
>> YES. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: BECAUSE I'VE GIVE 10 A LOT OF THOUGHT.
>> OKAY. >> Stephen: A LOT OF THOUGHT.
AND I THINK IT WOULD BE EXTREMELY DIFFICULT.
>> YES! >> Stephen: BECAUSE, LIKE TH
THAT, YOU NEED-- YOU KNOW, IT CERTAINLY WOULD BE SAFE.
YOU'D NEED A BUNGEE CORD, YOU KNOW.
LISTEN, YOU JUST PLAYED TOMMY LEE-- TALKING ABOUT HAVING SEX.
YOU JUST PLAYED TOMMY LEE IN THE HULU SERIES "PAM & TOMMY."
THE TRANSFORMATION IS REMARKABLE.
ANYTHING I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS CLIP HERE?
>> IT'S ME IN MY FAVORITE COSTUME.
>> Stephen: OKAY, JIM. >> LOOK AT THIS.
HM. ( BLEEP ) WORK.
>> THE TILES ARE NOT SEALED YET. >> ( BLEEP ) KIND OF WOOD IS
THIS? >> MADAGASCAR PINE.
>> LOOKS CHEAP. >> IT'S ONE OF THE MOST
EXPENSIVE WOODS ON THE PLANET. >> YOU ( BLEEP ) ARE RIPPING ME
OFF. >> WE'RE RIPPING YOU OFF?
>> OH, YEAH. >> YOU OWE ME $9,000.
>> RUNNING UP A BUNCH OF PHONY, ( BLEEP ) OVERAGES.
>> THEY'RE NOT OVERAGES. THEY'RE CHARGES FOR OUR WORK.
>> GUESS WHAT? YOU AIN'T GETTING DICK.
>> Stephen: WOW. FROM A MAN WHO'S NOT HIDING IT.
( APPLAUSE ) DO.
>> Stephen: IT IS, IT IS. IT'S ALSO IMPORTANT TO DRESS FOR
SUCCESS. I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT ALL THE
TATS. WAS THAT ON A DAILY BASIS, OR
DID THEY JUST PUT IT ON, LIKE, SUPER HARD AT THE BEGINNING OF
THE WEEK, AND THEY JUST TOUCHED IT UP?
>> IT WAS EVERY THREE DAYS. >> Stephen: EVERY THREE DAYS.
>> AND I INSISTED ON KEEPING THEM ON AS MUCH AS I COULD
BECAUSE I WANTED TO SEE WHAT IT FELT LIKE TO GO IN THE WORLD
LIKE THAT? >> Stephen: SURE.
DID YOU WATCH THE ORIGINAL VIDEO THAT SORT OF MADE THE TWO OF
THEM FAMOUS AS A COUPLE? >> I WATCHED EVERYTHING I COULD
WATCH, BECAUSE IT WAS RESEARCH. AND THAT'S WHAT I DID.
( LAUGHTER ) LEAP OUT TO YOU ABOUT IT,
BECAUSE THERE IS ONE MOPT I DON'T UNDERSTAND AND IT HAPPENS
ON THE BOAT. >> OKAY.
>> Stephen: IT'S WHEN HE HONKING THE BOAT HORN WITH HIS
PENIS. AND YOU WERE IN CHARACTER AS
THIS MAN. YOU CAN EXPLAIN PERHAPS WHY HE
USED HIS PENIS TO HONK THE BOAT HORN.
AND FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: DO YOU THINK THAT BOAT WAS A RENTAL?
( LAUGHTER ) >> IF IT WAS, IT PROBABLY GOT A
LOT OF BUSINESS AFTER THAT. >> Stephen: YES.
>> BUT I THINK WHEN YOU HAVE MORE TO YOU THAN YOU WANT TO
PUSH THINGS, RIGHT? ( LAUGHTER )
>> THAT WOULD BE THE LOGIC. >> Stephen: THAT'S PRIMAL.
EXACTLY, YEAH. >> I DON'T KNOW.
I HAVEN'T TRIED IT. BUT MAYBE I WILL TONIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) QUICK BREAK, BUT WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK WITH SEBASTIAN STAN TALKING ABOUT A VERY SPECIAL SCENE FROM
"PAM & TOMMY." STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE STAR OF
"PAM & TOMMY," SEBASTIAN STAN. THERE'S ONE SCENE IN THIS SHOW
THAT IS GETTING A LITTLE MORE ATTENTION THAN SOME OF THE
OTHERS. IT'S A STANDOUT SCENE IN A WAY,
AND I THINK YOU KNOW THE SCENE I'M TALKING ABOUT.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: CAN YOU EXPLAIN
WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE-- FOR LACK OF A BETTER WORD-- THE
TALKING PENIS SCENE. >> RIGHT.
WELL -- >> Stephen: YOUR CHARACTER HAS
A CONVERSATION, TOMMY HAS A CONVERSATION WITH HIS PENIS.
>> YES, WELL, MAN TO MAN, I'M SURE YOU CAN RELATE TO THAT,
RIGHT? I MEAN, THERE MUST HAVE BEEN
ONCE OR TWICE WHERE YOU MIGHT HAVE RERELIED ON THE OLD FRIEND
FOR A THING OR TWO, RIGHT? >> Stephen: I HAVE NEVER TAKEN
ADVICE FROM MY PENIS. I'M NOT SAYING WE'VE NEVER
SPOKEN. I'M NOT SAYING WE'VE NEVER
SPOKEN, BUT I'M JUST SAYING THAT I'VE-- I'M OFTEN DISAPPOINTED.
( LAUGHTER ) >> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: SO HOW DID THIS ACTUALLY HAPPEN?
IT'S-- IT'S-- >> IT'S IN HIS BOOK.
>> Stephen: IT'S IN HIS BOOK? >> IT'S IN HIS BOOK THAT HE
WROTE, "TOMMY LAND,," HIS PENIS IS A CHARACTER IN THE BOOK AND
THE WRITERS SORT OF TIP THEIR HAT TO THAT.
>> Stephen: JUST THE TIP? >> YUP.
( APPLAUSE ) VERY SWEET SCENE BECAUSE IT'S A
LOVE CONFESSION, YOU KNOW, TO SOME EXTENT.
>> Stephen: IT'S A LOVE CONFESSION TO HIS--
>> WELL, HE'S REALIZING HE'S IN LOVE WITH THIS WOMAN.
>> Stephen: OKAY. >> AND HE'S TELLING HIS BEST
FRIEND. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: I'M NOT LETTING YOU DOWN AT ALL.
>> NO, I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU. I WAS TALKING --
>> Stephen: OH, "DON'T LET ME DOWN."
HOW DID THEY DO THAT? HOW WAS THAT ACHIEVED?
SO YOU'RE THERE, AU NATURAL. YOU HAVE TO START SCENE.
WHO ARE YOU ACTUALLY ACTING WITH THERE?
>> I DON'T THINK SINCE THE PYROTECHNICS ON MOULIN ROUGE DID
WE NOT HAVE A MORE WELL-EQUIPPED TEAM.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T WANT PYROTECHNICS DOWN THERE.
>> THE WHOLE THING WAS MORE MECHANICAL THAN I THOUGHT.
THERE WERE POWER CORDS. THERE WASA WHOLE LOT OF THINGS.
THERE WERE TWO MEN THAT ACTUALLY MADE IT MOVE FROM 20 FEET BEHIND
ME. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: PNEUMATIC?
HYDRAULIC? WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HERE?
>> LITERALLY LIKE NINTENDO, LEFT, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS YOUR HIGH SCORE?
( LAUGHTER ) >> IT WAS-- IT WAS A STRONG 100.
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW. YEAH, I TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT
IT. >> Stephen: NOW, DO YOU THINK
ABOUT BUCKEY BARNES TALKS TO HIS PENIS?
>> HE SHOULD. AT 106 YEARS OLD, I HOPE HE
DOES. >> Stephen: YEAH.
IT MIGHT BE HARD TO FIND. IT IS THE WINTER SOLDIER.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M SORRY.
I'M SO SORRY. YOU DESERVE MORE DIGNITY THAN
THAT. SEBASTIAN, LOVELY TO SEE YOU
AGAIN. >> YOU, TOO.
>> Stephen: "PAM & TOMMY" IS AVAILABLE NOW ON HULU.
SEBASTIAN STAN, EVERYBODY! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A
PERFORMANCE BY SHARON VAN ETTEN.
>> Stephen: HER ALBUM, "WE'VE BEEN GOING ABOUT THIS
ALL WRONG," CAME OUT FRIDAY. PERFORMING "MISTAKES,"
SHARON VAN ETTEN!
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ I WALK DOWN THE ROAD LET MY BODY WAKE UP
♪ BY THE WAY YOU'LL MOVE
♪ SKATE AROUND THE ROOM SEE MY BODY ACHE
♪ MY BODY SHAKE BOOM, BOOM
♪ EVEN WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE EVEN WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE
♪ MISTAKE, MISTAKE IT'S MUCH BETTER THAN THAT
♪ I DANCE LIKE ELAINE BUT MY BABY
♪ TAKES ME TO THE FLOOR SAYS "MORE, MORE"
♪ EYES CLOSE TO STARES MY BABY TAKES
♪ MY BODY SHARES LIGHTS FLARE
♪ EVEN WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE EVEN WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE
♪ MISTAKE, MISTAKE IT'S MUCH BETTER THAN THAT
♪ WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE TURNS OUT IT'S GREAT
♪ IT'S GREAT, IT'S GREAT I'M MUCH BETTER THAN THAT
♪ IT'S MUCH BETTER THAN THAT
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ EVEN WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE EVEN WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE
♪ MISTAKE TURNS OUT GREAT
♪ EVEN WHEN YOU'RE LATE YOU'RE LATE, YOU'RE LATE
♪ IT'S MUCH BETTER THAN THAT IT'S MUCH BETTER THAN THAT
♪ IT'S MUCH BETTER THAN THAT ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SHARON VAN ETTEN, EVERYBODY!
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!