1 00:00:02,001 --> 00:00:03,937 >> THE FOUR SIMPLE WORDS THAT HAVE BEEN WHISPERED BY THE 2 00:00:04,003 --> 00:00:06,940 INTREPID SINCE THE TIME OF THE ROMANS, "FORTUNE FAVOR THE 3 00:00:07,006 --> 00:00:08,641 BRAVE." >> THAT NOTORIOUS MATT DAMON AD 4 00:00:08,708 --> 00:00:16,950 FOR CRYPTOCURRENCY NOW BEING SEEN IN A NEW LIGHT. 5 00:00:17,016 --> 00:00:17,984 >> $1 TRILLION WORTH OF VIRTUAL CURRENCIES, LIKE BITCOIN, WIPED 6 00:00:18,051 --> 00:00:28,962 OUT OVER THE LAST MONTH. >> HISTORY IS FILLED WITH 7 00:00:29,028 --> 00:00:33,366 "ALMOSTS." WITH THOSE WHO ALMOST 8 00:00:33,433 --> 00:00:37,003 ADVENTURED, WHO ALMOST ACHIEVED, BUT ULTIMATELY... 9 00:00:37,070 --> 00:00:42,809 >> I OWE. I NEED 15,000 TONIGHT. 10 00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,144 >> THEN THERE ARE OTHERS, THE ONES WHO... 11 00:00:44,210 --> 00:00:45,345 LOST MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. >> GOD! 12 00:00:45,412 --> 00:00:46,980 GOD! GOD! 13 00:00:47,046 --> 00:00:51,384 GOD! >> THE FOUR SIMPLE WORDS THAT 14 00:00:51,451 --> 00:00:52,952 HAVE BEEN WHISPERED BY THE INTREPID SINCE THE TIME OF THE 15 00:00:53,019 --> 00:01:00,460 ROMANS... IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. 16 00:01:05,031 --> 00:01:09,002 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 17 00:01:09,068 --> 00:01:17,944 TONIGHT: AND SHAQUILLE O'NEAL TAKES THE 18 00:01:18,011 --> 00:01:20,113 COLBERT QUESTIONERT PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: 19 00:01:20,180 --> 00:01:25,919 SEBASTIAN STAN AND MUSICAL GUEST, SHARON VAN 20 00:01:25,985 --> 00:01:29,956 ETTEN FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY 21 00:01:30,023 --> 00:01:36,629 HUMAN. AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE 22 00:01:36,696 --> 00:01:40,767 ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 23 00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:55,081 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 24 00:01:55,148 --> 00:02:04,390 HELLO, LOUIS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 25 00:02:04,457 --> 00:02:12,932 EVERYBODY, TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 26 00:02:12,999 --> 00:02:17,937 AND LET ME JUST SAY-- YES, SIR-- LET ME JUST SAY HAPPY FRIDAY, 27 00:02:18,004 --> 00:02:19,138 EVERYBODY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 28 00:02:19,205 --> 00:02:23,943 THIS WEEKEND, I'M FEELING IT. THIS IS GOING TO BE A GREAT 29 00:02:24,010 --> 00:02:25,378 WEEKEND TO GRAB SOME BURGERS AND BEERS AND HAVE A BARBEQUE, ONCE 30 00:02:25,445 --> 00:02:30,950 YOU'VE SOLD A KIDNEY TO AFFORD THOSE BEERS AND BURGERS, BECAUSE 31 00:02:31,017 --> 00:02:34,254 INFLATION IS STILL RUNNING RAMPANT. 32 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,956 COSTS ARE SO HIGH THAT OUR NEW FAVORITE GAME SHOW IS 33 00:02:37,023 --> 00:02:37,957 "THE PRICE IS WHAT?!" ( LAUGHTER ) 34 00:02:38,024 --> 00:02:48,701 PEOPLE-- PEOPLE ARE ESPECIALLY-- ( APPLAUSE ) 35 00:02:48,768 --> 00:02:53,973 PEOPLE ARE ESPECIALLY FEELING THE PAIN AT THE GROCERY STORE. 36 00:02:54,040 --> 00:03:00,313 REPORTERS ARE THAT SOME SHOPPERS ARE SAYING THE PRICE OF A BULK 37 00:03:00,380 --> 00:03:07,921 PACK OF TOILET PAPER HAD SURGED FROM $17 TO $25. 38 00:03:07,987 --> 00:03:13,927 THAT'S CRAZY. I REMEMBER RECENTLY WHEN TOILET 39 00:03:13,993 --> 00:03:15,395 WEEKS OF THE PANDEMIC, ALL YOU NEEDED WAS SEVEN BUCKS AND THE 40 00:03:15,461 --> 00:03:18,932 WILLINGNESS TO BODY-CHECK THE OLD LADY REACHING FOR IT INTO 41 00:03:18,998 --> 00:03:23,670 THE CALGON DISPLAY. JUST THROW A BOW. 42 00:03:23,736 --> 00:03:28,908 I GOT KIDS! ( APPLAUSE ) 43 00:03:28,975 --> 00:03:36,749 ( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, NOWHERE ARE PRICES 44 00:03:36,816 --> 00:03:41,955 HIGHER THAN IN AIRPORTS. A RECENT INVESTIGATION CONFIRMED 45 00:03:42,021 --> 00:03:45,692 THAT AIRLINE CUSTOMERS HAVE PAID AS MUCH AS $27 FOR A BEER AT 46 00:03:45,758 --> 00:03:48,962 LAGUARDIA. PROVING THAT PEOPLE WILL PAY ANY 47 00:03:49,028 --> 00:03:52,031 AMOUNT TO KILL THE FEELING OF BEING AT LAGUARDIA. 48 00:03:52,098 --> 00:03:56,169 ( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY-- COME VISIT. 49 00:03:56,235 --> 00:04:00,940 COME VISIT NEW YORK. APPARENTLY, THE AMOUNT TRAVELERS 50 00:04:01,007 --> 00:04:07,080 PAID FOR A BEER VARIED BETWEEN $23 ABD $27, DEPENDING ON THE 51 00:04:07,146 --> 00:04:08,948 SIZE OF THE BEER. WHAT SIZE ARE THESE SUPPOSED TO 52 00:04:09,015 --> 00:04:10,984 BE? FOR $27, I WANT A CAN TOO BIG 53 00:04:11,050 --> 00:04:15,288 TO FIT IN THE OVERHEAD. ( LAUGHTER ) 54 00:04:15,355 --> 00:04:26,232 THE ECONOMY IS NO DOUBT GOING TO BE A MAJOR TOPIC OF DISCUSSION 55 00:04:26,299 --> 00:04:28,935 THIS WEEKEND AT DAVOS THE ANNUAL CONFERENCE THAT BRINGS TOGETHER 56 00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:32,972 BILLIONAIRES AND POLITICAL LEADERS AT A SWISS SKI RESORT 57 00:04:33,039 --> 00:04:34,707 WHERE THEY ADDRESS CRITICAL CONCERNS, INCLUDING WEALTH 58 00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:36,943 MANAGEMENT, CLIMATE CHANGE, AND MORE. 59 00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:44,951 AND IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF DAVOS, YOU PROBABLY PAY TAXES. 60 00:04:45,018 --> 00:04:50,657 AND THIS YEAR IS GOING TO BE A SKOOTCH DIFFERENT BECAUSE, FOR 61 00:04:50,723 --> 00:04:51,791 THE FIRST TIME, THE DAVOS LINEUP WILL FEATURE PSYCHEDELIC 62 00:04:51,858 --> 00:04:53,026 SHAMANS. OH, GOOD! 63 00:04:53,092 --> 00:04:56,863 JUST WHAT BILLIONAIRES NEED: A LOOSER GRIP ON REALITY. 64 00:04:56,929 --> 00:05:00,967 ( LAUGHTER ) THOUGH, I WILL SAY THIS, THEY-- 65 00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:04,170 HI, ELON! THOUGH, I'M NOT SURPRISED 66 00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:08,941 BILLIONAIRES TAKE MIND-BENDING DRUGS. 67 00:05:09,008 --> 00:05:11,911 ITS THE ONLY THING THAT CAN POSSIBLY EXPLAIN CHOOSING THIS 68 00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:14,747 GOATEE, THAT COWBOY HAT, AND THIS HAIRCUT. 69 00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:19,919 HEY, BUDDY! THESE MIND-BENDING EXPERIENCES 70 00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:23,923 WILL BE LEAD BY A VARIETY OF SPEAKERS THROUGHOUT THE WEEK, 71 00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:24,924 INCLUDING SYLVIA BENITO, WHO HAS DEEP EXPERTISE IN AYAHUASCA AND 72 00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:30,930 HAS EXPERIENCE MANAGING FAMILY INVESTMENTS. 73 00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:34,867 I'M HOPING AT THE SAME TIME. ( LAUGHTER ) 74 00:05:34,934 --> 00:05:37,170 SWEAT YURT TO GO OVER YOUR PORTFOLIO. 75 00:05:37,236 --> 00:05:42,542 WE SPLIT YOUR INVESTMENTS BETWEEN HIGH-YIELD STOCKS, 76 00:05:42,608 --> 00:05:44,277 MEDIUM-YIELD BONDS, AND THE SENSE MEMORY OF YOUR WRONGED 77 00:05:44,343 --> 00:05:46,112 ANCESTORS, WHO WILL APPEAR TO YOU AS A WOLF WITH YOUR FATHER'S 78 00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:48,214 VOICE. NOW WALK WITH ME INTO THE FIRE, 79 00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:51,050 WHERE WE SHALL ITEMIZE YOUR DEDUCTIONS!" 80 00:05:51,117 --> 00:05:56,489 ( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF-- SPEAKING OF-- 81 00:05:56,556 --> 00:05:58,925 AYAHUASCA. ANYBODY DONE THE AYAHUASCA OVER 82 00:05:58,991 --> 00:06:02,895 THERE? NO? 83 00:06:02,962 --> 00:06:06,566 OKAY, ALL RIGHT. SPEAKING OF RICH PEOPLE-- I'M 84 00:06:06,632 --> 00:06:08,901 NOT A NARC. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY. 85 00:06:08,968 --> 00:06:10,903 SPEAKING OF RICH PEOPLE, IF YOU INVESTED ALL YOUR MONEY IN 86 00:06:10,970 --> 00:06:14,907 CRYPTO, YOU ARE NO LONGER RICH PEOPLE, BECAUSE OVER THE PAST 87 00:06:14,974 --> 00:06:18,911 FEW WEEKS CRYPTOCURRENCIES HAVE MELTED DOWN IN A PERFECT STORM 88 00:06:18,978 --> 00:06:21,914 OF FEAR AND PANIC. WHICH ARE THE TWO EMOTIONS I 89 00:06:21,981 --> 00:06:27,920 FEEL WHEN SOMEONE TRIES TO EXPLAIN THE BLOC CHAIN TO ME. 90 00:06:27,987 --> 00:06:29,188 HOW BAD IS IT? LAST WEEK MORE THAN $200 BILLION 91 00:06:29,255 --> 00:06:34,927 WAS WIPED OFF THE CRYPTOCURRENCY MARKET IN ONE DAY. 92 00:06:34,994 --> 00:06:39,398 OR TO PUT IT IN THE KIND OF TERMS CRYPTO INVESTORS 93 00:06:39,465 --> 00:06:41,134 UNDERSTAND: "THREE AND A HALF APE CARTOONS DROWNED IN A TWEET 94 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:44,971 TOKEN OF NON-FUNGIBLE DROPS." ( LAUGHTER ) 95 00:06:45,037 --> 00:06:50,476 OF CRYPTO THAT WERE DESIGNED TO BE STABLE, LIKE TERRA, WHICH WAS 96 00:06:50,543 --> 00:06:52,945 SUPPOSEDLY PEGGED TO THE U.S. DOLLAR. 97 00:06:53,012 --> 00:06:56,949 BUT THEN, IN THE WAKE OF THE CRASH, SUDDENLY "UNPEGGED" 98 00:06:57,016 --> 00:07:01,454 ITSELF. NOW, A WORD TO THE WISE: DO NOT 99 00:07:01,521 --> 00:07:04,924 GOOGLE "SUDDENLY UNPEGGED." ( LAUGHTER ) 100 00:07:04,991 --> 00:07:16,903 YOU WILL NOT LEARN ABOUT CRYPTO. YOU WILL LEARN OTHER THINGS, 101 00:07:16,969 --> 00:07:19,772 WHICH YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO UNLEARN. 102 00:07:19,839 --> 00:07:25,745 NOW, I WANT TO BE CLEAR HERE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 103 00:07:25,812 --> 00:07:26,379 YOU SHOULDN'T TAKE INVESTMENT ADVICE FROM ME. 104 00:07:26,445 --> 00:07:27,914 I'M A CLOWN. I MAKE JOKES. 105 00:07:27,980 --> 00:07:29,615 FARTS ARE FUNNY-- HA-HA. I'M NO FINANCIAL PLANNER. 106 00:07:29,682 --> 00:07:33,653 I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE DOW. 107 00:07:33,719 --> 00:07:35,922 I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE DOW IS MADE OF. 108 00:07:35,988 --> 00:07:38,157 DOWLINGS? DOWTONS? 109 00:07:38,224 --> 00:07:40,426 IS THAT WHAT THEY KEEP IN THAT ABBEY? 110 00:07:40,493 --> 00:07:47,934 BUT I DO KNOW THAT A BIG PART OF THE APPEAL OF CRYPTO WAS THAT IT 111 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:50,369 WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A COOL, NEW ALTERNATIVE TO THE STOCK MARKET. 112 00:07:50,436 --> 00:07:53,472 STOCK MARKET GO DOWN, CRYPTO GO UP, LIKE GOLD. 113 00:07:53,539 --> 00:07:55,441 BUT NOW RESEARCHERS ARE SAYING THAT CRYPTO PRICES ARE MOVING IN 114 00:07:55,508 --> 00:08:01,881 TANDEM WITH TRADITIONAL MARKETS. SO YOUR FAKE MONEY CAN DISAPPEAR 115 00:08:01,948 --> 00:08:05,618 AT THE SAME TIME AS YOUR REAL MONEY? 116 00:08:05,685 --> 00:08:06,886 THAT'S LIKE GETTING DUMPED BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND YOUR 117 00:08:06,953 --> 00:08:08,654 SEX DOLL. ( LAUGHTER ) 118 00:08:08,721 --> 00:08:13,526 SEE-- AND I DON'T-- I DON'T BLAME HER. 119 00:08:13,593 --> 00:08:20,666 I DON'T BLAME HER. MAINTENANCE. 120 00:08:20,733 --> 00:08:25,171 SEE, THIS IS HOW CRYPTO EVIDENTLY WORKS IS SOMEBODY 121 00:08:25,238 --> 00:08:28,641 MAKES UP FAKE MONEY, AND SOME EARLY PEOPLE COME IN EARLY AND 122 00:08:28,708 --> 00:08:33,279 BUY IT. BUT LOTS OF OTHER PEOPLE HAVE TO 123 00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:35,348 THEN BUY IT. AND THEY HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE 124 00:08:35,414 --> 00:08:41,721 ELSE TO BUY IT AND THE PRICE GOES UP. 125 00:08:41,787 --> 00:08:43,522 ONE OF THE REASONS MANY OF THOSE LITTLE PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT CRYPTO 126 00:08:43,589 --> 00:08:44,824 IS BECAUSE OF THE BARRAGE OF CELEBRITIES WHO ENDORSED IT. 127 00:08:44,891 --> 00:08:46,626 BUT, STRANGELY, NOW THAT THE CRYPTO MARKET HAS CRASHED, 128 00:08:46,692 --> 00:08:50,396 THEY'RE STAYING PRETTY QUIET. IN FACT, WHEN REACHED FOR 129 00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:53,032 COMMENT, THERE WAS NO RESPONSE FROM MATT DAMON, LEBRON JAMES 130 00:08:53,099 --> 00:08:56,669 REESE WITHERSPOON, PARIS HILTON, MILA KUNIS, AARON RODGERS 131 00:08:56,736 --> 00:09:00,473 TOM BRADY, OR GWYNETH PALTROW. WHEN WILL WE AS A SOCIETY LEARN 132 00:09:00,539 --> 00:09:03,276 TO STOP BUYING THINGS FROM GWYNETH PALTROW? 133 00:09:03,342 --> 00:09:11,150 ( LAUGHTER ) I FEEL SO BAD FOR ALL THOSE 134 00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:12,151 PEOPLE... ( APPLAUSE ). 135 00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:21,294 JAMMED THAT ETHERIUM UP BEHIND THEIR PERINEUM. 136 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:28,634 LOOJ WITH HER JADE EGG. THERE'S ALSO-- IS THIS 137 00:09:28,701 --> 00:09:30,770 AUSTRALIA? THERE'S NEWS OUT OF AUSTRALIA. 138 00:09:30,836 --> 00:09:32,638 THEY HAVE A BIG ELECTION COMING UP, AND THE STAKES ARE HIGH FOR 139 00:09:32,705 --> 00:09:35,174 CONSERVATIVE PRIME MINISTER AND BULLFROG THINKING ABOUT THE FLY 140 00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:41,781 WHO GOT AWAY, SCOTT MORRISON. EVER SINCE MORRISON WAS ELECTED, 141 00:09:41,847 --> 00:09:44,250 THE AUSTRALIAN P.M. HAS BEEN DOGGED BY SCANDALS ABOUT 142 00:09:44,317 --> 00:09:45,518 EVERYTHING FROM ALLEGATIONS OF RACISM TO HIS FRIENDSHIP WITH A 143 00:09:45,584 --> 00:09:48,654 PROMINENT QANON CONSPIRACY THEORIST. 144 00:09:48,721 --> 00:09:51,257 THAT'S NOT GOOD. OF COURSE, DOWN THERE, 145 00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:54,627 POLITICIANS' REPUTATIONS GO DOWN THE DRAIN COUNTER-CLOCKWISE. 146 00:09:54,694 --> 00:09:58,631 ( LAUGHTER ) LAST YEAR, THE PRIME MINISTER 147 00:09:58,698 --> 00:10:02,234 WENT ON THE RADIO TO DENY THAT HE'D EVER POOPED HIS PANTS AT 148 00:10:02,301 --> 00:10:04,170 McDONALD'S. ( LAUGHTER ) 149 00:10:04,236 --> 00:10:08,674 HIM OF IT. ( LAUGHTER ) 150 00:10:08,741 --> 00:10:21,187 NO SURPRISE-- SCOTT'S REELECTION CAMPAIGN HASN'T BEEN GOING 151 00:10:21,253 --> 00:10:24,890 THE BEST. SO HE LAUNCHED A REBOOT THIS 152 00:10:24,957 --> 00:10:26,826 WEEK TO GET SOME GOOD PRESS, WHICH BRINGS US TO THE LATEST 153 00:10:26,892 --> 00:10:29,662 MORRISON NEWS: "AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER SCOTT 154 00:10:29,729 --> 00:10:31,797 MORRISON TACKLED A CHILD TO THE GROUND DURING AN ELECTION 155 00:10:31,864 --> 00:10:37,536 PHOTO-OP." LET'S GO TO THE TAPE: 156 00:10:37,603 --> 00:10:40,673 >> OH! >> Stephen: YEAH. 157 00:10:40,740 --> 00:10:44,010 TO WHICH HIS CAMPAIGN RESPONDED: "CAN WE GO BACK TO THE 158 00:10:44,076 --> 00:10:46,645 McDONALD'S POOPING THING?" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 159 00:10:46,712 --> 00:10:52,651 TONIGHT. MY GUEST IS SEBASTIAN STAN. 160 00:10:52,718 --> 00:10:58,691 AND I'LL BE GIVING THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT TO ONE MR. SHAQUILLE 161 00:10:58,758 --> 00:11:00,760 O'NEAL. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, 162 00:11:00,826 --> 00:11:02,828 "MEANWHILE"! STICK AROUND. 163 00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:41,967 EVERYBODY! GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND? 164 00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:47,139 LOUIS CATO, AND ALL THE OTHER WONDERFUL MEMBERS OF STAY HUMAN, 165 00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:55,281 EVERYBODY. ( APPLAUSE ) 166 00:11:55,347 --> 00:11:56,715 >> STEPHEN. >> Stephen: LOUIS. 167 00:11:56,782 --> 00:12:00,486 >> STEPHEN. >> Stephen: OH, LOUIS CATO. 168 00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:01,921 >> OH, STEPHEN COLBERT. >> Stephen: YOU GUYS SOUND 169 00:12:01,987 --> 00:12:03,089 FANTASTIC TONIGHT. >> THANK YOU. 170 00:12:03,155 --> 00:12:04,957 >> Stephen: YOU HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY. 171 00:12:05,024 --> 00:12:07,460 WE NEED THAT. LOUIS, WE'VE GOT-- THIS GUY IS 172 00:12:07,526 --> 00:12:12,064 NOT ONLY VERY TALENTED, BUT I HEAR FROM RELIABLE SOURCES THAT 173 00:12:12,131 --> 00:12:14,500 HE'S SUPER CUTE AND SEXY. SEBASTIAN STAN IS HERE TONIGHT. 174 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:17,937 >> OH, YEAH. >> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY 175 00:12:18,003 --> 00:12:19,371 RIGHT. THOSE ARE THE SOUNDS I OFTEN 176 00:12:19,438 --> 00:12:22,842 HEAR WHEN I MENTION HIS NAME AROUND MY HOUSE. 177 00:12:22,908 --> 00:12:28,180 I'M ALSO GOING TO BE GIVING THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT TO 178 00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:31,016 MR. SHAQUILLE O'NEAL TONIGHT. CAN'T LEAVE HIM OUT OF THAT. 179 00:12:31,083 --> 00:12:39,625 HE'S GOING TO KILL IT. YO KNOW FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF 180 00:12:39,692 --> 00:12:42,328 MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, WANDERING THE NEWS FOREST FOR 181 00:12:42,394 --> 00:12:44,697 YOU, FELLING ONLY THE BIGGEST AND HEARTIEST WHITE STORY OAKS, 182 00:12:44,763 --> 00:12:50,703 CUTTING AND SHAPING THEM INTO THE NEWSIEST, MOST TOPICAL 183 00:12:50,769 --> 00:12:52,705 CLEATS, CLAMPS AND PLANKS, KEEPING THEM AT A CONSTANT 184 00:12:52,771 --> 00:12:54,273 ANGLE, GRADUALLY CREATING A SHELL-SHAPED, SHALLOW BOWL HULL 185 00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:56,709 USING THE FIRE-BENDING TECHNIQUE INSTEAD OF STEAM-BENDING 186 00:12:56,775 --> 00:13:03,149 OBVIOUSLY. THEN I LAY IT ALL THE KEEL 187 00:13:03,215 --> 00:13:04,850 BLOCKS TO CAREFULLY SET UP THE STEM, STERN AND, GARBOARD, 188 00:13:04,917 --> 00:13:08,687 ATTACH THE BILGE FUTTOCKS TO THE TIMBER AND LOVINGLY CRAFT A FLAT 189 00:13:08,754 --> 00:13:10,556 TRANSOM STERN OUT OF NATURALLY-CURVED QUARTER 190 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,658 CIRCLES. THEN SECURE ALL THE PLANKS WITH 191 00:13:12,725 --> 00:13:14,693 TRUNNELS HANDMADE FROM THE FINEST LOCUST WOOD AND, FINALLY, 192 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:19,932 ADORN IT WITH A PROUD BOWSPRIT, FOREPEAK, AND CUSTOM GILDED 193 00:13:19,999 --> 00:13:24,703 FIGUREHEAD TO PRESENT TO YOU THE DUTCH GOLDEN AGE "SPIEGEL-JACHT" 194 00:13:24,770 --> 00:13:26,372 THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 195 00:13:26,438 --> 00:13:34,713 FOLKS-- YOU HAVE TO HYDRATE AFTER THAT. 196 00:13:34,780 --> 00:13:35,948 "SPIEGEL-JACHT" THAT IS MY BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, I 197 00:13:36,015 --> 00:13:37,316 AWAKEN FROM A MEAT-SWEATS- INDUCED FEVER STRAPPED TO A 198 00:13:37,383 --> 00:13:39,318 BASKET ON THE WONDER WHEEL AT CONEY ISLAND, STUMBLE ACROSS THE 199 00:13:39,385 --> 00:13:43,289 GARBAGE-FLECKED BEACH TO THE SOUND OF A TERRIFYING RAGGED 200 00:13:43,355 --> 00:13:49,295 BELLOW I REALIZE IS COMING FROM MY OWN LUNGS, WHICH SUMMONS AN 201 00:13:49,361 --> 00:13:51,931 ARMY OF SEAGULLS WHOM I INSTRUCT TO GATHER THE HALF-EMPTIED CANS 202 00:13:51,997 --> 00:13:55,301 OF BUSCH LIGHT LEFT BY A MOB OF BELGIAN TOURISTS, ALL OF WHICH 203 00:13:55,367 --> 00:14:06,045 I GATHER INTO A SACK I FASHIONED OUT OF PANTS I STOLE FROM A 204 00:14:06,111 --> 00:14:07,313 SLEEPING COP. THEN I SWIPE A GIANT INFLATABLE BABY YODA FROM 205 00:14:07,379 --> 00:14:09,415 A CARNY GAME AND STRAP IT TO A MAST I MADE BY RIPPING A B-68 206 00:14:09,481 --> 00:14:11,217 BUS STOP SIGN OUT OF THE GROUND ON THE CORNER OF STILLWELL, THEN 207 00:14:11,283 --> 00:14:11,984 LAUNCH THE VESSEL AS CAPTAIN OF THE UNREGULATED PIRATE BOOZE 208 00:14:12,051 --> 00:14:16,355 CRUISE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: 209 00:14:16,422 --> 00:14:20,559 "MEANWHILE"! IT'S EVERGE "MEANWHILE" IS 210 00:14:20,626 --> 00:14:25,064 ETERNAL. IT IS ENDLESS AND EVERGREEN. 211 00:14:25,130 --> 00:14:32,938 MEANWHILE, "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE MAY SCRAP ITS WEEKLY PRINT EDITION. 212 00:14:33,005 --> 00:14:36,942 WHAT? NO, "PEOPLE"! 213 00:14:37,009 --> 00:14:39,878 YOU CAN'T DO THIS NOW! THIS WAS OBVIOUSLY GOING TO BE 214 00:14:39,945 --> 00:14:42,982 THE YEAR I WAS NAMED "PEOPLE'S SEXIEST MAN ALIVE"! 215 00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:47,886 I SWEAR, HAND TO GOD, I SWEAR I WAS GOING TO START WORKING OUT 216 00:14:47,953 --> 00:14:50,089 TOMORROW. ARE YOU NOT THE LEAST BIT 217 00:14:50,155 --> 00:14:51,890 CURIOUS WHAT I WOULD LOOK LIKE WITH ABS? 218 00:14:51,957 --> 00:14:56,128 BECAUSE MY GRAPHICS DEPARTMENT IS! 219 00:14:56,195 --> 00:15:00,432 ARE YOU TELLING ME-- ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE 220 00:15:00,499 --> 00:15:05,271 THAT ON YOUR COFFEE TABLE? AND MAY I REMIND YOU, THIS MEANS 221 00:15:05,337 --> 00:15:10,342 PAUL RUDD IS NOW "SEXIEST MAN FOREVER." 222 00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:13,612 MEANWHILE, A WISCONSIN MAN RECENTLY CELEBRATED 50 YEARS OF 223 00:15:13,679 --> 00:15:15,881 EATING BIG MACS EVERY DAY, AND SAYS HE WILL CONTINUE EATING BIG 224 00:15:15,948 --> 00:15:20,286 MACS WITH A COCA-COLA ON THE SIDE UNTIL HE DIES. 225 00:15:20,352 --> 00:15:23,489 WHICH EXPERTS SAY SHOULD BE NEXT TUESDAY. 226 00:15:23,555 --> 00:15:26,892 ( LAUGHTER ) THAT LOOKS GOOD. 227 00:15:26,959 --> 00:15:33,932 THAT LOOKS SO GOOD, MAN. MEANWHILE, ON TUESDAY, GRUBHUB 228 00:15:33,999 --> 00:15:36,168 HAD A PROMOTION WHERE THEY OFFERED FREE LUNCH TO EVERYONE 229 00:15:36,235 --> 00:15:42,574 IN NEW YORK CITY AND, SOMEHOW, OFFERING EIGHT MILLION MEALS 230 00:15:42,641 --> 00:15:45,110 ALL AT ONCE DIDN'T GO SO GREAT. GRUBHUB'S FREE LUNCH OFFER IN 231 00:15:45,177 --> 00:15:47,880 NEW YORK CRASHED ITS WEBSITE AND APP, BECAUSE THEY DID NOT HAVE 232 00:15:47,946 --> 00:15:51,884 ENOUGH DRIVERS ON THE ROAD TO HANDLE THE VOLUME OF ORDERS, 233 00:15:51,950 --> 00:15:55,854 LEADING TO MOUNTAINS OF UNCLAIMED WEDGE SALADS CONGEALED 234 00:15:55,921 --> 00:15:58,624 ON RESTAURANT COUNTERS. THAT IS NOT RIGHT. 235 00:15:58,691 --> 00:15:59,892 SALAD SHOULD NOT GO TO WASTE ON A RESTAURANT COUNTER. 236 00:15:59,958 --> 00:16:06,799 IT SHOULD GO TO WASTE IN THE BACK OF MY REFRIGERATOR. 237 00:16:06,865 --> 00:16:07,966 I SWEAR, I'M GONNA EAT IT TOMORROW UNLESS I DEFINITELY BUY 238 00:16:08,033 --> 00:16:12,404 A MEATBALL SUB. BECAUSE NOW I DON'T NEED ABS. 239 00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:17,109 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 240 00:16:17,176 --> 00:16:23,782 SO CLOSE. MEANWHILE, IN WEIRD SCIENCE 241 00:16:23,849 --> 00:16:25,851 NEWS, SCIENTISTS USED GENE EDITING TO CREATE MUTANT 242 00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:30,889 COCKROACHES IN A BREAKTHROUGH. REALLY? 243 00:16:30,956 --> 00:16:32,891 CAN'T ROACHES ALREADY SURVIVE A NUCLEAR APOCALYPSE? 244 00:16:32,958 --> 00:16:35,894 WHY ARE WE GIVING THEM MUTANT POWERS? 245 00:16:35,961 --> 00:16:37,863 I DON'T WANT A COCKROACH THAT CAN READ MY MIND AND LOOKS SEXY 246 00:16:37,930 --> 00:16:41,500 IN SPANDEX. ( LAUGHTER ) 247 00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:45,704 USE IT ON SOMETHING THAT NEEDS THE HELP, LIKE THE SALAD 248 00:16:45,771 --> 00:16:46,839 AT THE BACK OF MY FRIDGE. I SWEAR I JUST PUT IT IN THERE 249 00:16:46,905 --> 00:16:51,477 LAST WEEK, AND IT'S ALREADY PESTO. 250 00:16:51,543 --> 00:16:58,717 THAT'S WHY I'M GETTING A MEATBALL SUB. 251 00:16:58,784 --> 00:17:01,887 MEANWHILE, IN GREAT NEWS FOR LOVERS OF WRAPS, A TEAM AT 252 00:17:01,954 --> 00:17:03,889 JOHNS HOPKINS HAS DEVELOPED AN EDIBLE TAPE THAT WILL KEEP 253 00:17:03,956 --> 00:17:11,897 YOUR BURRITO FROM SPILLING. HEY, JOHNS HOPKINS. 254 00:17:11,964 --> 00:17:19,872 GOOD JOB. NOW THAT YOU'VE NAILED THE 255 00:17:19,938 --> 00:17:23,876 BURRITO PACKING TAPE-- WHICH I'M NOT SAYING ISN'T IMPORTANT-- 256 00:17:23,942 --> 00:17:26,512 HOW'S THAT CANCER RESEARCH COMING? 257 00:17:26,578 --> 00:17:27,880 STILL LOOKING FOR A WAY TO HOT GLUE MY TACO SHUT? 258 00:17:27,946 --> 00:17:32,284 GREAT. MEANWHILE, ERIC CLAPTON HAS 259 00:17:32,351 --> 00:17:34,052 TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID. UNSURPRISING, AS HE IS A CRITIC 260 00:17:34,119 --> 00:17:36,255 OF CORONAVIRUS VACCINES AND PANDEMIC RESTRICTIONS. 261 00:17:36,321 --> 00:17:39,892 CLAPTON'S GOT A COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP WITH SHOTS. 262 00:17:39,958 --> 00:17:42,895 HE FAMOUSLY ADMITS ADMINISTERING ONE TO THE SHERIFF, BUT HE 263 00:17:42,961 --> 00:17:46,398 SWEARS HE DID NOT GIVE ONE TO THE DEP-U-TEE. 264 00:17:46,465 --> 00:17:55,374 ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, THERE'S NEWS FROM 265 00:17:55,441 --> 00:17:58,644 PARIS, WHERE TOURISTS WILL SOON BE ABLE TO STAY A NIGHT INSIDE 266 00:17:58,710 --> 00:18:01,847 THE MOULIN ROUGE. RENTING OUT A SUMPTUOUS BOUDOIR 267 00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:06,084 INCLUDES THE MOULIN ROUGE'S SIGNATURE CABARET SHOW AND A 268 00:18:06,151 --> 00:18:07,853 THREE-COURSE FRENCH MEAL-- THOUGH, GUESTS WILL HAVE TO MAKE 269 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:11,657 DO WITH A SHARED TOILET. IS THIS AN AIRBNB OR AN ESCAPE 270 00:18:11,723 --> 00:18:13,859 ROOM? ( AS FRENCH HOST ) 271 00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:20,365 AU GRATIN DROWNED IN CHEESE, STEAK SOAKED IN BUTTER, AND 272 00:18:20,432 --> 00:18:21,366 A DOUBLE CREME CARAMEL. QUICK! 273 00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:23,869 LOCK THE DOOR WHILE THEY FIGHT OVER THE TOILET. 274 00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:34,913 BON CHANCE!" PLAWD 275 00:18:34,980 --> 00:18:36,482 MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO A RECENT SURVEY OF DOG AND CAT OWNERS, 276 00:18:36,548 --> 00:18:41,520 33% SAID THEY WOULD CHOOSE THEIR PET OVER THEIR SIGNIFICANT 277 00:18:41,587 --> 00:18:44,923 OTHER, WHILE, 100% OF CATS SAID, "IF YOU DIE IN YOUR SLEEP, I 278 00:18:44,990 --> 00:18:48,760 WILL EAT YOUR EYEBALLS." ( LAUGHTER ) 279 00:18:48,827 --> 00:18:49,828 SHAQUILLE O'NEAL. ♪ ♪ ♪ 280 00:19:09,948 --> 00:19:17,322 WELCOME BACK! WE ARE HERE WITH THE AUTHOR OF 281 00:19:17,389 --> 00:19:21,727 "SHAQ'S FAMILY STYLE" NEW COOKBOOK FROM SHAQUILLE O'NEAL. 282 00:19:21,793 --> 00:19:22,895 SHAQ, YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE SECOND TIME I'VE HAD A CHANCE TO 283 00:19:22,961 --> 00:19:25,397 TALK TO YOU. BUT THE THING IS, EVEN WHEN WE 284 00:19:25,464 --> 00:19:27,900 DO, LIKE, 10, 15 MINUTE OF TALKING TO EACH OTHER, THAT'S 285 00:19:27,966 --> 00:19:31,603 HARD TO GET TO KNOW A GUEST IN THAT SHORT A PERIOD OF TIME, AND 286 00:19:31,670 --> 00:19:35,040 I FEEL BAD THAT I'VE HAD CHARLES BARKLEY ON SO MANY TIMES AND I 287 00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:37,843 KNOW HIM BETTER THAN I KNOW YOU, AND I'D LIKE TO MAKE UP FOR THAT 288 00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:40,712 RIGHT NOW, OKAY? THIS IS MY APOLOGY TO YOU. 289 00:19:40,779 --> 00:19:44,583 AND I HOPE YOU ACCEPT IT. I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE HAVING HIM 290 00:19:44,650 --> 00:19:45,751 ON. I KNOW THAT. 291 00:19:45,817 --> 00:19:49,354 WE HAVE COME UP WITH A WAY TO GET TO KNOW GUESTS PRETTY 292 00:19:49,421 --> 00:19:54,660 QUICKLY HERE AT THE SHOW. IT'S CALLED THE COLBERT 293 00:19:54,726 --> 00:19:55,861 QUESTIONERT. YOU ANSWER THESE 15 QUESTIONS 294 00:19:55,928 --> 00:19:59,031 AND YOU WILL BE FULLY KNOWN BY ME AND THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. 295 00:19:59,097 --> 00:20:01,466 DO YOU HAVE THE COURAGE? ARE YOU WILLING TO FACE THE 296 00:20:01,533 --> 00:20:03,602 FIRE? >> OF COURSE. 297 00:20:03,669 --> 00:20:06,505 >> Stephen: ♪ ♪ ♪ 298 00:20:06,572 --> 00:20:13,145 SHAQUILLE O'NEAL, FIRST QUESTION: WHAT IS THE BEST 299 00:20:13,211 --> 00:20:14,880 SANDWICH? >> TURKEY CLUB. 300 00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:15,881 >> ( APPLAUSE ). 301 00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:20,519 IT'S A CLASSIC. PRETTY SAFE IN ANY HOTEL, TOO. 302 00:20:20,586 --> 00:20:24,356 >> WITH EXTRA MAYO ON THE SIDE, WITH SOME FRIES. 303 00:20:24,423 --> 00:20:26,525 >> Stephen: DO YOU DIP THE FRIES IN THE MAYO? 304 00:20:26,592 --> 00:20:28,493 >> NO, MAN. >> Stephen: WHAT? 305 00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:33,231 ( LAUGHTER ) NO! 306 00:20:33,298 --> 00:20:35,233 >> THEY DO THAT IN EUROPE. >> WE'RE NOT IN EUROPE. 307 00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:38,971 >> Stephen: YOU PLAY IN THE EUROPEAN LEAGUE, THEY FORCE YOU 308 00:20:39,037 --> 00:20:43,175 TO EAT MAYONNAISE OVER THERE. WHAT'S THE ONE THING YOU OWN 309 00:20:43,241 --> 00:20:47,679 THAT YOU SHOULD REALLY THROW OUT? 310 00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:56,021 ( LAUGHTER ) MY FRONT YARD. 311 00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:59,458 >> Stephen: YOU HAVE A 20-FOOT GUERRILLA IN YOUR FRONT YARD. 312 00:20:59,524 --> 00:21:01,760 >> LEANING ON A TREE. >> Stephen: IN A TREE. 313 00:21:01,827 --> 00:21:04,830 >> NO, LEANING ON A TREE, IN GEORGIA, JUST SITTING THERE 314 00:21:04,896 --> 00:21:07,332 LOOKING AT PEOPLE WHEN THEY DRIVE BY. 315 00:21:07,399 --> 00:21:10,302 ( LAUGHTER ). PRETTY GOOD SECURITY SYSTEM. 316 00:21:10,369 --> 00:21:14,740 NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT ONE. SHAQ, WHAT IS THE SCARIEST 317 00:21:14,806 --> 00:21:16,775 ANIMAL? >> A SNAKE. 318 00:21:16,842 --> 00:21:19,611 >> Stephen: CLASSIC, CLASSIC, YEAH. 319 00:21:19,678 --> 00:21:25,183 APPAPPLES OR ORANGES? >> ACTUALLY, A SHARK. 320 00:21:25,250 --> 00:21:29,454 I DID "SHARK WEEK "AND I ALMOST DIE. 321 00:21:29,521 --> 00:21:30,956 >> Stephen: FROM THE SHARK OR FRIGHT. 322 00:21:31,023 --> 00:21:34,126 >> SOME GENIUS WHO BUILT THE CAGE HAD AN OPENING THIS BIG. 323 00:21:34,192 --> 00:21:37,295 I SAW IT AND I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT IT, AND WHEN I REALIZED IT 324 00:21:37,362 --> 00:21:40,799 THE SHARK WAS COMING TOWARD THE THING AND I THOUGHT HE LOOKS 325 00:21:40,866 --> 00:21:43,902 LIKE HE'S COMING IN. AND WHEN HE CAME IN, I JUST 326 00:21:43,969 --> 00:21:46,972 STAYED AT THE BOTTOM. AND THEN HE CAME DOWN, AND I WAS 327 00:21:47,039 --> 00:21:49,508 LIKE AAAH! AND I BUMPED HIM AND I GOT OUT 328 00:21:49,574 --> 00:21:51,710 OF THE WATER SO FAST. >> Stephen: YOU PUNCHED A 329 00:21:51,777 --> 00:21:54,379 SHARK? >> I SURE DID, RIGHT IN HIS 330 00:21:54,446 --> 00:21:56,715 FACE. >> Stephen: A LITTLE ELBOW. 331 00:21:56,782 --> 00:21:57,683 A LITTLE ELBOW? THERE YOU GO. 332 00:21:57,749 --> 00:22:00,018 >> HE CAME DOWN WITH THOSE BIG EYES. 333 00:22:00,085 --> 00:22:02,888 WHEN I WAS THERE THERE WERE A WHOLE BUNCH OF BUBBLES, BUT AS 334 00:22:02,954 --> 00:22:05,590 SOON AS I SAW HIM I JUST STOPPED THE BUBBLES. 335 00:22:05,657 --> 00:22:08,694 ( LAUGHTER ) ANYMORE. 336 00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:12,664 AND I WAS LIKE... >> DID YOU HAVE ASKING TO SAY TO 337 00:22:12,731 --> 00:22:14,666 THE GUYS WHEN THEY GOT YOU BACK ON THE SURFACE? 338 00:22:14,733 --> 00:22:17,736 >> NO, IT WAS ALL GOOD. YOU WHAN I SAID TO THEM, "DID 339 00:22:17,803 --> 00:22:20,672 YOU GET THAT FOOTAGE? DID YOU GET THAT FOOTAGE?" 340 00:22:20,739 --> 00:22:23,141 >> Stephen: SURE, IF YOU'RE ALMOST GOING TO DIE YOU WANT TO 341 00:22:23,208 --> 00:22:26,712 GET THAT FOOTAGE. APPLES OR ORANGES, SHAQ. 342 00:22:26,778 --> 00:22:29,748 >> ORANGES, I LIVE IN FLORIDA, SIR. 343 00:22:29,815 --> 00:22:35,153 >> Stephen: CROSS A LINE. HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR 344 00:22:35,220 --> 00:22:36,588 THEIR AUTOGRAPH. >> YES. 345 00:22:36,655 --> 00:22:41,026 >> Stephen: WHO, DR. J., JULIUS IRVING. 346 00:22:41,093 --> 00:22:43,395 >> Stephen: >> Stephen: DID HE GIVE IT TO 347 00:22:43,462 --> 00:22:44,529 YOU? >> OF COURSE. 348 00:22:44,596 --> 00:22:46,231 >> Stephen: WERE YOU YOUNG? >> WHEN I WAS IN THE N.B.A. 349 00:22:46,298 --> 00:22:48,066 >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE? 350 00:22:48,133 --> 00:22:53,338 >> NOBODY KNOWS. HEAVEN? 351 00:22:53,405 --> 00:22:55,540 BARKLEY'S GOING TO HELL, SO... ( LAUGHTER ) 352 00:22:55,607 --> 00:23:04,082 HEAVEN? I'M GOING TO HEAVEN, SO... 353 00:23:04,149 --> 00:23:08,253 >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT. FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE. 354 00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:13,091 >> FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE. HM. 355 00:23:13,158 --> 00:23:14,159 "SUPERMAN." THE FIRST ONE. 356 00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:17,229 >> Stephen: THE FIRST ONE, WITH CHRISTOPHER REEVE. 357 00:23:17,295 --> 00:23:19,131 THERE YOU GO. YOU BELIEVE A MAN CAN FLY. 358 00:23:19,197 --> 00:23:21,433 >> YES. >> Stephen: WINDOW OR AISLE. 359 00:23:21,500 --> 00:23:27,139 >> PRIVATE. ( LAUGHTER ) 360 00:23:27,205 --> 00:23:35,147 >> Stephen: FAVORITE SMELL? >> FARTS. 361 00:23:35,213 --> 00:23:47,025 ( LAUGHTER ) HESITATE TO ASK THIS NEXT ONE-- 362 00:23:47,092 --> 00:23:50,695 LEAST FAVORITE SMELL. >> LIMBURGER CHEESE. 363 00:23:50,762 --> 00:23:52,697 >> Stephen: MOST-USED APP ON YOUR PHONE? 364 00:23:52,764 --> 00:23:56,535 >> WORLD STAR HIP HOP. >> Stephen: WHAT? 365 00:23:56,601 --> 00:23:59,437 >> WORLD STAR HIP HOP. >> Stephen: WORLD STAR HIP 366 00:23:59,504 --> 00:24:00,105 HOP. WHAT HAPPENS THERE? 367 00:24:00,172 --> 00:24:03,141 >> A LOT. >> Stephen: OKAY. 368 00:24:03,208 --> 00:24:08,747 ( LAUGHTER ) SECOND? 369 00:24:08,814 --> 00:24:12,083 FAVORITE SMELL. YOUR FARTS, OR SOMEBODY ELSE'S. 370 00:24:12,150 --> 00:24:17,155 >> EITHER/OR. >> Stephen: THAT'S 371 00:24:17,222 --> 00:24:18,089 VERYIENEROUS WITH. >> WHEN BARKLEY FARTS, I SAY OH, 372 00:24:18,156 --> 00:24:21,493 YOU WENT TO THE WAFFLE HOUSE THIS MORNING. 373 00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:24,296 >> Stephen: YOU'RE LIKE A CONNOISSEUR. 374 00:24:24,362 --> 00:24:26,898 YOU CAN NAME THE SLOPES THE GRAPES ARE GROWN ON. 375 00:24:26,965 --> 00:24:29,034 >> EXACTLY. >> Stephen: THROUGH THE GOT TO 376 00:24:29,100 --> 00:24:31,970 BE A MARKET FOR THAT SOME PLACE. CATS OR DOGS? 377 00:24:32,037 --> 00:24:36,541 >> DOGS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 378 00:24:36,608 --> 00:24:39,110 CATS! >> Stephen: CATS? 379 00:24:39,177 --> 00:24:43,782 ( APPLAUSE ). ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 380 00:24:43,849 --> 00:24:49,254 LISTEN TO ONE SONG FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT IS IT? 381 00:24:49,321 --> 00:24:51,323 ♪ SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪ 382 00:25:09,975 --> 00:25:13,912 ♪ AND I DO, I DON'T KNOW THE WORDS, BUT I KNOW THE SONG 383 00:25:13,979 --> 00:25:22,921 ♪ SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 384 00:25:22,988 --> 00:25:27,926 OR-- OR-- OR ♪ TAKE THESE BROKEN WINGS 385 00:25:27,993 --> 00:25:34,666 LEARN TO FLY AGAIN ♪ LEARN TO DISAPPEAR ♪ 386 00:25:34,733 --> 00:25:37,936 OR ♪ COME-A, COME-A, CAMELLIA ♪ 387 00:25:38,003 --> 00:25:42,107 OR ♪ I'VE SEEN YOUR TRUE COLOR 388 00:25:42,173 --> 00:25:45,176 SHINING THROUGH ♪ >> Stephen: WOW, WOW, YOU 389 00:25:45,243 --> 00:25:47,045 COULD PLAY CINDY LAUPER SOME DAY. 390 00:25:47,112 --> 00:25:52,117 >> YES, I COULD. >> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I 391 00:25:52,183 --> 00:25:53,551 THINKING OF? >> 27. 392 00:25:53,618 --> 00:25:56,121 >> Stephen: NO. DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE 393 00:25:56,187 --> 00:26:06,097 IN FIVE WORDS. >> 10. 394 00:26:06,164 --> 00:26:12,103 YEARS. AHEAD. 395 00:26:12,170 --> 00:26:14,172 OLD FOLKS. HOME. 396 00:26:14,239 --> 00:26:15,874 >> Stephen: OLD FOLKS IS HYPHENATED. 397 00:26:15,941 --> 00:26:21,813 >> NO, OLD FOLKS IS ONE WORD. Q. OLD FOLKS IS ONE WORD? 398 00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:28,119 JUDGES? IT'S ONE WORD OLE FOLKS. 399 00:26:28,186 --> 00:26:32,123 >> Stephen: SHAQ, YOU'RE KNOWN NOW. 400 00:26:32,190 --> 00:26:33,191 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TAKING THE CHANCE. 401 00:26:33,258 --> 00:26:36,261 >> Stephen: "SHAQ'S FAMILY STYLE" IS AVAILABLE NOW. 402 00:26:36,328 --> 00:26:38,330 HE'LL BE BACK. 403 00:26:56,014 --> 00:27:03,521 WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW." LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU ARE IN 404 00:27:03,588 --> 00:27:08,827 FOR A TREAT. MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACTOR YOU 405 00:27:08,893 --> 00:27:10,829 KNOW FROM "I, TONYA," "GOSSIP GIRL," AND 406 00:27:10,895 --> 00:27:12,831 AS BUCKY BARNES THE WINTER SOLDIER IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE. 407 00:27:12,897 --> 00:27:16,868 HE NOW PLAYS TOMMY LEE IN "PAM & TOMMY." 408 00:27:16,935 --> 00:27:24,843 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," SEBASTIAN STAN! 409 00:27:24,909 --> 00:27:39,224 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 410 00:27:39,290 --> 00:27:44,195 >> YOU, TOO. THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME BACK 411 00:27:44,262 --> 00:27:45,997 HERE. >> Stephen: THE LAST TIME YOU 412 00:27:46,064 --> 00:27:50,435 WERE HERE-- AND I KNOW THIS FROM OTHER INTERVIEWS YOU HAVE DONE-- 413 00:27:50,502 --> 00:27:53,938 YOU'RE A HUGE FAN OF SPACE. AND YOU SAID IT LAST TIME-- YOU 414 00:27:54,005 --> 00:27:57,242 SAID YOU WOULD GO TO SPACE IN A MINUTE IF YOU HAD THE 415 00:27:57,308 --> 00:27:59,310 OPPORTUNITY. AND I'M A BIG FAN OF SPACE 416 00:27:59,377 --> 00:28:03,415 MYSELF, SINCE I WAS A KID. BUT NOW, IT'S SIX YEARS SINCE 417 00:28:03,481 --> 00:28:05,817 YOU'VE BEEN HERE, SIX YEARS LATER, THAT'S NOT A DREAM. 418 00:28:05,884 --> 00:28:08,753 THAT'S A REALITY. YOU JUST CUT A CHECK, AND YOU 419 00:28:08,820 --> 00:28:11,256 CAN GO. BUT WOULD YOU GO UP WITH, LIKE-- 420 00:28:11,322 --> 00:28:15,960 WHO'S DOING IT NOW? BEZOS IS DOING IT, BRANSON IS 421 00:28:16,027 --> 00:28:19,831 DOING IT, AND ELON MUSK-- >> I DON'T KNOW IF I TRUST THOSE 422 00:28:19,898 --> 00:28:24,436 GUYS WITH MY LIFE. >> Stephen: REALLY? 423 00:28:24,502 --> 00:28:26,604 HW ABOUT THIS? HOW ABOUT THIS? 424 00:28:26,671 --> 00:28:31,543 THERE'S GOING TO BE, SUPPOSEDLY, A SPACE HOTEL IN ORBIT IN THE 425 00:28:31,609 --> 00:28:35,447 NEXT FEW YEARS, BY 2025, WHICH SEEMS AWFULLY FAST. 426 00:28:35,513 --> 00:28:38,716 >> NO PRIVACY LEFT. >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN 427 00:28:38,783 --> 00:28:40,718 NO PRIVACY? >> YOU CAN'T HAVE A SPACE HOTEL 428 00:28:40,785 --> 00:28:43,188 WITHOUT HAVING A CAMERA IN EVERY ROOM, STEPHEN. 429 00:28:43,254 --> 00:28:44,856 YOU KNOW THAT. >> Stephen: WHY? 430 00:28:44,923 --> 00:28:49,894 >> IT GIVES VOYEURISM A WHOLE NEW RUN FOR ITS MONEY, DOESN'T 431 00:28:49,961 --> 00:28:51,062 IT? >> Stephen: MISSION CONTROL IS 432 00:28:51,129 --> 00:28:55,667 GOING TO HAVE TO BE WATCHING? >> 50 PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE 433 00:28:55,733 --> 00:28:59,604 WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE GO TO THE BATHROOM. 434 00:28:59,671 --> 00:29:01,306 >> Stephen: I GOTCHA. YOU KNOW WHAT? 435 00:29:01,372 --> 00:29:05,376 HAVE YOU EVER GIVEN ANY THOUGHT TO WHAT SPACE SEX WOULD BE LIKE? 436 00:29:05,443 --> 00:29:09,314 >> YES. ( LAUGHTER ) 437 00:29:09,380 --> 00:29:12,851 >> Stephen: BECAUSE I'VE GIVE 10 A LOT OF THOUGHT. 438 00:29:12,917 --> 00:29:14,352 >> OKAY. >> Stephen: A LOT OF THOUGHT. 439 00:29:14,419 --> 00:29:16,855 AND I THINK IT WOULD BE EXTREMELY DIFFICULT. 440 00:29:16,921 --> 00:29:20,825 >> YES! >> Stephen: BECAUSE, LIKE TH 441 00:29:20,892 --> 00:29:24,729 THAT, YOU NEED-- YOU KNOW, IT CERTAINLY WOULD BE SAFE. 442 00:29:24,796 --> 00:29:25,997 YOU'D NEED A BUNGEE CORD, YOU KNOW. 443 00:29:26,064 --> 00:29:29,567 LISTEN, YOU JUST PLAYED TOMMY LEE-- TALKING ABOUT HAVING SEX. 444 00:29:29,634 --> 00:29:34,506 YOU JUST PLAYED TOMMY LEE IN THE HULU SERIES "PAM & TOMMY." 445 00:29:34,572 --> 00:29:37,342 THE TRANSFORMATION IS REMARKABLE. 446 00:29:37,408 --> 00:29:38,510 ANYTHING I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS CLIP HERE? 447 00:29:38,576 --> 00:29:41,479 >> IT'S ME IN MY FAVORITE COSTUME. 448 00:29:41,546 --> 00:29:50,488 >> Stephen: OKAY, JIM. >> LOOK AT THIS. 449 00:29:50,555 --> 00:29:54,492 HM. ( BLEEP ) WORK. 450 00:29:54,559 --> 00:30:04,903 >> THE TILES ARE NOT SEALED YET. >> ( BLEEP ) KIND OF WOOD IS 451 00:30:04,969 --> 00:30:05,770 THIS? >> MADAGASCAR PINE. 452 00:30:05,837 --> 00:30:08,907 >> LOOKS CHEAP. >> IT'S ONE OF THE MOST 453 00:30:08,973 --> 00:30:16,748 EXPENSIVE WOODS ON THE PLANET. >> YOU ( BLEEP ) ARE RIPPING ME 454 00:30:16,814 --> 00:30:18,049 OFF. >> WE'RE RIPPING YOU OFF? 455 00:30:18,116 --> 00:30:22,520 >> OH, YEAH. >> YOU OWE ME $9,000. 456 00:30:22,587 --> 00:30:26,424 >> RUNNING UP A BUNCH OF PHONY, ( BLEEP ) OVERAGES. 457 00:30:26,491 --> 00:30:30,495 >> THEY'RE NOT OVERAGES. THEY'RE CHARGES FOR OUR WORK. 458 00:30:30,562 --> 00:30:34,499 >> GUESS WHAT? YOU AIN'T GETTING DICK. 459 00:30:34,566 --> 00:30:40,805 >> Stephen: WOW. FROM A MAN WHO'S NOT HIDING IT. 460 00:30:40,872 --> 00:30:45,777 ( APPLAUSE ) DO. 461 00:30:45,843 --> 00:30:48,780 >> Stephen: IT IS, IT IS. IT'S ALSO IMPORTANT TO DRESS FOR 462 00:30:48,846 --> 00:30:51,683 SUCCESS. I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT ALL THE 463 00:30:51,749 --> 00:30:53,451 TATS. WAS THAT ON A DAILY BASIS, OR 464 00:30:53,518 --> 00:30:55,987 DID THEY JUST PUT IT ON, LIKE, SUPER HARD AT THE BEGINNING OF 465 00:30:56,054 --> 00:30:57,622 THE WEEK, AND THEY JUST TOUCHED IT UP? 466 00:30:57,689 --> 00:31:00,558 >> IT WAS EVERY THREE DAYS. >> Stephen: EVERY THREE DAYS. 467 00:31:00,625 --> 00:31:04,395 >> AND I INSISTED ON KEEPING THEM ON AS MUCH AS I COULD 468 00:31:04,462 --> 00:31:07,832 BECAUSE I WANTED TO SEE WHAT IT FELT LIKE TO GO IN THE WORLD 469 00:31:07,899 --> 00:31:09,067 LIKE THAT? >> Stephen: SURE. 470 00:31:09,133 --> 00:31:11,869 DID YOU WATCH THE ORIGINAL VIDEO THAT SORT OF MADE THE TWO OF 471 00:31:11,936 --> 00:31:16,407 THEM FAMOUS AS A COUPLE? >> I WATCHED EVERYTHING I COULD 472 00:31:16,474 --> 00:31:20,411 WATCH, BECAUSE IT WAS RESEARCH. AND THAT'S WHAT I DID. 473 00:31:20,478 --> 00:31:25,350 ( LAUGHTER ) LEAP OUT TO YOU ABOUT IT, 474 00:31:25,416 --> 00:31:27,352 BECAUSE THERE IS ONE MOPT I DON'T UNDERSTAND AND IT HAPPENS 475 00:31:27,418 --> 00:31:28,786 ON THE BOAT. >> OKAY. 476 00:31:28,853 --> 00:31:35,293 >> Stephen: IT'S WHEN HE HONKING THE BOAT HORN WITH HIS 477 00:31:35,360 --> 00:31:36,394 PENIS. AND YOU WERE IN CHARACTER AS 478 00:31:36,461 --> 00:31:39,030 THIS MAN. YOU CAN EXPLAIN PERHAPS WHY HE 479 00:31:39,097 --> 00:31:42,267 USED HIS PENIS TO HONK THE BOAT HORN. 480 00:31:42,333 --> 00:31:46,504 AND FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: DO YOU THINK THAT BOAT WAS A RENTAL? 481 00:31:46,571 --> 00:31:48,539 ( LAUGHTER ) >> IF IT WAS, IT PROBABLY GOT A 482 00:31:48,606 --> 00:31:52,210 LOT OF BUSINESS AFTER THAT. >> Stephen: YES. 483 00:31:52,277 --> 00:31:59,884 >> BUT I THINK WHEN YOU HAVE MORE TO YOU THAN YOU WANT TO 484 00:31:59,951 --> 00:32:02,553 PUSH THINGS, RIGHT? ( LAUGHTER ) 485 00:32:02,620 --> 00:32:07,659 >> THAT WOULD BE THE LOGIC. >> Stephen: THAT'S PRIMAL. 486 00:32:07,725 --> 00:32:08,993 EXACTLY, YEAH. >> I DON'T KNOW. 487 00:32:09,060 --> 00:32:11,262 I HAVEN'T TRIED IT. BUT MAYBE I WILL TONIGHT. 488 00:32:11,329 --> 00:32:16,234 ( LAUGHTER ) QUICK BREAK, BUT WE'LL BE RIGHT 489 00:32:16,301 --> 00:32:19,871 BACK WITH SEBASTIAN STAN TALKING ABOUT A VERY SPECIAL SCENE FROM 490 00:32:19,937 --> 00:32:20,938 "PAM & TOMMY." STICK AROUND. 491 00:32:31,015 --> 00:32:33,584 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE STAR OF 492 00:32:33,651 --> 00:32:36,087 "PAM & TOMMY," SEBASTIAN STAN. THERE'S ONE SCENE IN THIS SHOW 493 00:32:36,154 --> 00:32:38,690 THAT IS GETTING A LITTLE MORE ATTENTION THAN SOME OF THE 494 00:32:38,756 --> 00:32:41,259 OTHERS. IT'S A STANDOUT SCENE IN A WAY, 495 00:32:41,326 --> 00:32:45,963 AND I THINK YOU KNOW THE SCENE I'M TALKING ABOUT. 496 00:32:46,030 --> 00:32:48,833 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: CAN YOU EXPLAIN 497 00:32:48,900 --> 00:32:53,638 WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE-- FOR LACK OF A BETTER WORD-- THE 498 00:32:53,705 --> 00:32:56,307 TALKING PENIS SCENE. >> RIGHT. 499 00:32:56,374 --> 00:32:57,442 WELL -- >> Stephen: YOUR CHARACTER HAS 500 00:32:57,508 --> 00:32:59,410 A CONVERSATION, TOMMY HAS A CONVERSATION WITH HIS PENIS. 501 00:32:59,477 --> 00:33:06,584 >> YES, WELL, MAN TO MAN, I'M SURE YOU CAN RELATE TO THAT, 502 00:33:06,651 --> 00:33:08,386 RIGHT? I MEAN, THERE MUST HAVE BEEN 503 00:33:08,453 --> 00:33:13,124 ONCE OR TWICE WHERE YOU MIGHT HAVE RERELIED ON THE OLD FRIEND 504 00:33:13,191 --> 00:33:16,294 FOR A THING OR TWO, RIGHT? >> Stephen: I HAVE NEVER TAKEN 505 00:33:16,361 --> 00:33:20,098 ADVICE FROM MY PENIS. I'M NOT SAYING WE'VE NEVER 506 00:33:20,164 --> 00:33:22,333 SPOKEN. I'M NOT SAYING WE'VE NEVER 507 00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:27,405 SPOKEN, BUT I'M JUST SAYING THAT I'VE-- I'M OFTEN DISAPPOINTED. 508 00:33:27,472 --> 00:33:30,208 ( LAUGHTER ) >> RIGHT. 509 00:33:30,274 --> 00:33:34,078 >> Stephen: SO HOW DID THIS ACTUALLY HAPPEN? 510 00:33:34,145 --> 00:33:35,913 IT'S-- IT'S-- >> IT'S IN HIS BOOK. 511 00:33:35,980 --> 00:33:39,984 >> Stephen: IT'S IN HIS BOOK? >> IT'S IN HIS BOOK THAT HE 512 00:33:40,051 --> 00:33:44,155 WROTE, "TOMMY LAND,," HIS PENIS IS A CHARACTER IN THE BOOK AND 513 00:33:44,222 --> 00:33:46,858 THE WRITERS SORT OF TIP THEIR HAT TO THAT. 514 00:33:46,924 --> 00:33:49,394 >> Stephen: JUST THE TIP? >> YUP. 515 00:33:49,460 --> 00:33:59,237 ( APPLAUSE ) VERY SWEET SCENE BECAUSE IT'S A 516 00:33:59,303 --> 00:34:01,406 LOVE CONFESSION, YOU KNOW, TO SOME EXTENT. 517 00:34:01,472 --> 00:34:04,442 >> Stephen: IT'S A LOVE CONFESSION TO HIS-- 518 00:34:04,509 --> 00:34:06,978 >> WELL, HE'S REALIZING HE'S IN LOVE WITH THIS WOMAN. 519 00:34:07,044 --> 00:34:09,547 >> Stephen: OKAY. >> AND HE'S TELLING HIS BEST 520 00:34:09,614 --> 00:34:11,682 FRIEND. ( LAUGHTER ) 521 00:34:11,749 --> 00:34:14,685 >> Stephen: I'M NOT LETTING YOU DOWN AT ALL. 522 00:34:14,752 --> 00:34:17,688 >> NO, I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU. I WAS TALKING -- 523 00:34:17,755 --> 00:34:19,957 >> Stephen: OH, "DON'T LET ME DOWN." 524 00:34:20,024 --> 00:34:23,394 HOW DID THEY DO THAT? HOW WAS THAT ACHIEVED? 525 00:34:23,461 --> 00:34:27,064 SO YOU'RE THERE, AU NATURAL. YOU HAVE TO START SCENE. 526 00:34:27,131 --> 00:34:29,400 WHO ARE YOU ACTUALLY ACTING WITH THERE? 527 00:34:29,467 --> 00:34:34,705 >> I DON'T THINK SINCE THE PYROTECHNICS ON MOULIN ROUGE DID 528 00:34:34,772 --> 00:34:38,342 WE NOT HAVE A MORE WELL-EQUIPPED TEAM. 529 00:34:38,409 --> 00:34:42,313 >> Stephen: YOU DON'T WANT PYROTECHNICS DOWN THERE. 530 00:34:42,380 --> 00:34:48,653 >> THE WHOLE THING WAS MORE MECHANICAL THAN I THOUGHT. 531 00:34:48,719 --> 00:34:54,225 THERE WERE POWER CORDS. THERE WASA WHOLE LOT OF THINGS. 532 00:34:54,292 --> 00:34:58,496 THERE WERE TWO MEN THAT ACTUALLY MADE IT MOVE FROM 20 FEET BEHIND 533 00:34:58,563 --> 00:35:00,131 ME. ( LAUGHTER ) 534 00:35:00,198 --> 00:35:08,739 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: PNEUMATIC? 535 00:35:08,806 --> 00:35:11,342 HYDRAULIC? WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HERE? 536 00:35:11,409 --> 00:35:13,411 >> LITERALLY LIKE NINTENDO, LEFT, RIGHT. 537 00:35:13,478 --> 00:35:15,847 >> Stephen: WHAT WAS YOUR HIGH SCORE? 538 00:35:15,913 --> 00:35:20,384 ( LAUGHTER ) >> IT WAS-- IT WAS A STRONG 100. 539 00:35:20,451 --> 00:35:24,589 I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW. YEAH, I TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT 540 00:35:24,655 --> 00:35:27,391 IT. >> Stephen: NOW, DO YOU THINK 541 00:35:27,458 --> 00:35:30,728 ABOUT BUCKEY BARNES TALKS TO HIS PENIS? 542 00:35:30,795 --> 00:35:35,399 >> HE SHOULD. AT 106 YEARS OLD, I HOPE HE 543 00:35:35,466 --> 00:35:36,501 DOES. >> Stephen: YEAH. 544 00:35:36,567 --> 00:35:39,403 IT MIGHT BE HARD TO FIND. IT IS THE WINTER SOLDIER. 545 00:35:39,470 --> 00:35:47,411 ( LAUGHTER ) I'M SORRY. 546 00:35:47,478 --> 00:35:48,946 I'M SO SORRY. YOU DESERVE MORE DIGNITY THAN 547 00:35:49,013 --> 00:35:51,048 THAT. SEBASTIAN, LOVELY TO SEE YOU 548 00:35:51,115 --> 00:35:53,251 AGAIN. >> YOU, TOO. 549 00:35:53,317 --> 00:35:54,552 >> Stephen: "PAM & TOMMY" IS AVAILABLE NOW ON HULU. 550 00:35:54,619 --> 00:35:56,587 SEBASTIAN STAN, EVERYBODY! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A 551 00:35:56,654 --> 00:35:58,656 PERFORMANCE BY SHARON VAN ETTEN. 552 00:36:23,981 --> 00:36:25,182 >> Stephen: HER ALBUM, "WE'VE BEEN GOING ABOUT THIS 553 00:36:25,249 --> 00:36:26,984 ALL WRONG," CAME OUT FRIDAY. PERFORMING "MISTAKES," 554 00:36:27,051 --> 00:36:29,353 SHARON VAN ETTEN! 555 00:36:31,022 --> 00:36:40,331 ♪ ♪ ♪ 556 00:36:41,999 --> 00:36:47,905 ♪ I WALK DOWN THE ROAD LET MY BODY WAKE UP 557 00:36:47,972 --> 00:36:57,915 ♪ BY THE WAY YOU'LL MOVE 558 00:36:57,982 --> 00:37:05,957 ♪ SKATE AROUND THE ROOM SEE MY BODY ACHE 559 00:37:06,023 --> 00:37:17,902 ♪ MY BODY SHAKE BOOM, BOOM 560 00:37:17,969 --> 00:37:25,910 ♪ EVEN WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE EVEN WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE 561 00:37:25,977 --> 00:37:35,953 ♪ MISTAKE, MISTAKE IT'S MUCH BETTER THAN THAT 562 00:37:36,020 --> 00:37:41,926 ♪ I DANCE LIKE ELAINE BUT MY BABY 563 00:37:41,993 --> 00:37:53,904 ♪ TAKES ME TO THE FLOOR SAYS "MORE, MORE" 564 00:37:53,971 --> 00:37:59,944 ♪ EYES CLOSE TO STARES MY BABY TAKES 565 00:38:00,011 --> 00:38:11,922 ♪ MY BODY SHARES LIGHTS FLARE 566 00:38:11,989 --> 00:38:17,928 ♪ EVEN WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE EVEN WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE 567 00:38:17,995 --> 00:38:29,907 ♪ MISTAKE, MISTAKE IT'S MUCH BETTER THAN THAT 568 00:38:29,974 --> 00:38:35,946 ♪ WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE TURNS OUT IT'S GREAT 569 00:38:36,013 --> 00:38:45,923 ♪ IT'S GREAT, IT'S GREAT I'M MUCH BETTER THAN THAT 570 00:38:45,990 --> 00:38:52,463 ♪ IT'S MUCH BETTER THAN THAT 571 00:38:53,998 --> 00:39:08,879 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 572 00:39:08,946 --> 00:39:09,914 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 573 00:39:09,980 --> 00:39:23,928 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 574 00:39:23,994 --> 00:39:29,767 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 575 00:39:29,967 --> 00:39:35,973 ♪ EVEN WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE EVEN WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE 576 00:39:36,040 --> 00:39:43,981 ♪ MISTAKE TURNS OUT GREAT 577 00:39:44,048 --> 00:39:49,920 ♪ EVEN WHEN YOU'RE LATE YOU'RE LATE, YOU'RE LATE 578 00:39:49,987 --> 00:39:57,928 ♪ IT'S MUCH BETTER THAN THAT IT'S MUCH BETTER THAN THAT 579 00:39:57,995 --> 00:40:05,970 ♪ IT'S MUCH BETTER THAN THAT ♪ 580 00:40:06,036 --> 00:40:13,911 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SHARON VAN ETTEN, EVERYBODY! 581 00:40:13,978 --> 00:40:15,980 THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!