IT'S THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: NEW ZEALAND'S PRIME MINISTER,
JACINDA ARDERN AND MUSICAL GUEST PUNCH BROTHERS
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HELLO!
HELLO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF. PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE LATE SHOW, I'M YOUR HOST,
STEPHEN COLBERT. NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DAY, AND I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW,
SHORTLY BEFORE I CAME OUT HERE TONIGHT, WE LEARNED OF THE
UNSPEAKABLE SHOOTING IN UVALDE, TEXAS TODAY.
AND WHILE WE CAN ADD OUR PRAYERS FOR THE DEAD...
THERE IS NOTHING THAT CAN EVER BE SAID THAT CAN APPROACH THE
IMMEASURABLE GRIEF OF THOSE FAMILIES.
BUT WHILE WE'RE AT IT, LET'S PRAY THAT THIS TIME OUR LEADERS
SHOW A MODICUM OF COURAGE IN TRYING TO PREVENT THIS FROM EVER
HAPPENING AGAIN. BUT PRAYERS WON'T END THIS.
VOTING MIGHT. SO, WHEN YOU VOTE, ASK
YOURSELF THIS QUESTION: WHO, RUNNING FOR OFFICE, HAS PUBLICLY
STATED THAT THEY ARE WILLING TO DO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING IN
THEIR POWER TO PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN FROM THE CRIMINALLY
INSANE NUMBER OF GUNS IN AMERICA.
AND I WILL TELL YOU-- ( APPLAUSE )
ABOUT IT. THE NEW ZEALANDERS.
AND MY GUEST TONIGHT IS THE NEW ZEALAND PRIME MINISTER JACINDA
ARDERN, AND I WILL ASK HER HOW THEY ACHIEVED THAT AND WHAT THE
RESULTS HAVE BEEN. AND THE THING IS, THIS YEAR,
YOUR VOTE IS NOT A THEORY, BECAUSE WE ARE JUST A FEW MONTHS
AWAY FROM THE MIDTERM ELECTIONS. AND TONIGHT, THERE ARE PRIMARIES
IN FIVE STATES, BUT THE RACE EVERYONE'S WATCHING IS THE
GEORGIA G.O.P GUBERNATORIAL PRIMARY BETWEEN SITTING GOVERNOR
AND SMILE SCHOOL DROPOUT, BRIAN KEMP, AND FORMER SENATOR
AND EMPEROR PALE-PATINE, DAVID PERDUE.
( LAUGHTER ) ABOUT THESE TWO DINGUSES, OR
"DINGII?" WELL, THIS RACE IS ACTUALLY ALL
ABOUT THE GUY WHO'S NOT ON THE BALLOT, BECAUSE PERDUE HAS BEEN
ENDORSED BY FORMER PRESIDENT OTTO VON SKIDMARK.
HE'S-- HE'S, THE REASON HE BACKING PERDUE IS
BECAUSE HE'S STILL MAD THAT GOVERNOR KEMP WOULDN'T STEAL
GEORGIA'S VOTES FOR HIM IN 2020. BUT KEMP'S GOT AN ACE UP HIS
SLEEVE: THE ENDORSEMENT OF FORMER VICE PRESIDENT MIKE
PENCE, SEEN HERE WONDERING WHAT THE BLUE LIQUID IN THE WOMEN'S
NAPKIN COMMERCIALS COULD POSSIBLY BE.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY JUST-- WHY DO THE WOMEN
FILL THEIR POWERADE SO MUCH? THIS IS WHY THEY CAN'T BE IN
SPORTS. THAT'S RIGHT!
THE FORMER PREZ VERSUS THE FORMER VEEP!
THE THRILLA IN VANILLA!
TANG VERSUS MAYO! IN A KNOCK-DOWN BRAWL FOR
GEORGIA THAT ANALYSTS ARE CALLING "A PROXY WAR."
AND IN THIS BATTLE, THERE'S VERY FINE PEOPLE ON NEITHER SIDE.
THERE HASN'T BEEN-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE HASN'T BEEN A SHOWDOWN LIKE THIS BETWEEN A PRESIDENT
AND HIS VEEP SINCE WALTER MONDALE CAME AFTER JIMMY CARTER
WITH HIS DISS TRACK: "WHY DON'T YOU FARM DEEZ NUTS?"
( LAUGHTER ) PENCE HAS JOINED KEMP ON THE
CAMPAIGN TRAIL, SAYING, "I WAS FOR BRIAN KEMP BEFORE IT WAS
COOL." SO... NOW?
BECAUSE IT'S STILL NOT COOL. ( APPLAUSE )
PENCE IS OPPOSING HIS OLD BOSS, AND SOME SEE THIS SPLIT AS THE
SEEDS OF A 2024 PENCE PRESIDENTIAL RUN, AS THE
INCREASINGLY EMBOLDENED PENCE SEEKS TO REINTRODUCE HIMSELF TO
REPUBLICAN VOTERS. YEAH.
HE'S TRYING TO CHANGE THE MAGA MESSAGE TO "HANG WITH MIKE
PENCE." ( LAUGHTER )
IT LOOKS LIKE-- IT LOOKS LIKE-- SLIGHT CHANGE.
IT LOOKS LIKE PENCE MIGHT WIN, TONIGHT, BECAUSE GOING INTO THE
VOTE, HIS GUY, KEMP, WAS UP BY MORE THAN 30 POINTS, WHICH MEANS
THE EX-PRESIDENT'S GUY, PERDUE, IS STARING DOWN AN EPIC DEFEAT.
AND THAT DEFEAT-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW. YOU KNOW THAT KEFEET IS GOING TO
HURT THE EX-PREZ. IT'S ALSO GONNA HURT WHEN HE
FINDS OUT THIS PERDUE ISN'T THE ONE THAT MAKES CHICKEN FINGERS.
THAT'S-- THAT'S-- THAT'S NOT THE ONLY NEWS ABOUT
THE FORMER POTUS. WE JUST LEARNED ABOUT ANOTHER
ONE OF HIS CRAZY OBSESSIONS, THANKS TO FORMER PRESIDENTIAL
ATTORNEY AND CLINICALLY DEPRESSED BASSETT HOUND,
MICHAEL COHEN. IN A RECENT DEPOSITION, COHEN
REVEALED THAT, WHILE ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, ONE OF HIS
BOSS'S GREATEST ANXIETIES WAS GETTING PIED IN THE FACE.
I ASSUME, LIKE, A BANANA CREAM PIE, BECAUSE HE CLEARLY WAS
ALREADY USING A PUMPKIN MEAT BRONZER.
COHEN CLAIMS IN HIS-- IS IT A DEPOSITION?
IT'S IN A DEPOSITION. IN HIS DEPOSITION,
COHEN CLAIMS THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT DEVELOPED THE FEAR
AFTER BECOMING OBSESSED OVER THE WAY BILL GATES ONCE GOT
ATTACKED WITH A PIE TO THE FACE. MAN, EPSTEIN'S PLANE WAS CRAZY.
( LAUGHTER ) COHEN, THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S
FEAR WAS CONSTANT: "IT WASN'T JUST ONE TIME.
IT WAS AN ONGOING AND REGULAR THING.
AS HE WOULD GO OUT TO VARIOUS DIFFERENT OPEN VENUES, HE NEVER
WOULD TURN AROUND AND SAY, "IF ANYONE THROWS A ROCK OR A
BOTTLE... IT'S ALWAYS A PIE.
HE ALWAYS BROUGHT UP THAT PIE THING."
EVIDENTLY, ALL OF THIS MAN'S FEARS ARE FROM CARTOONS
( LAUGHTER ) BANNED HUGE MALLETS, PIANOS
FALLING FROM THE SKY AND GIANT ANVILS THAT SAY "ACME" ON THE
SIDE. THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS SO
AFRAID OF BEING PIED, HE REPORTEDLY INSTRUCTED HIS
SECURITY TO SEVERELY BEAT UP ANYONE WHO TRIED TO GET HIM.
OF COURSE, HE WOULD'VE FOUGHT OFF ANY PASTRY ATTACKERS
HIMSELF, IF IT WEREN'T FOR HIS SCONE SPURS.
( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, JOE.
THANK YOU, MY FRIEND. ON THE INTERNATIONAL FRONT
THERE'S A HOT NEW VIRUS SWEEPING THE GLOBE, AND I'LL TELL YOU
ABOUT IT IN OUR UNFORTUNATELY RECURRING SEGMENT:
MONKEYPOX." YOU MONKEYPOX!
DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
>> Stephen: RIGHT NOW-- RIGHT NOW--
( APPLAUSE ) SURE, SURE.
RIGHT NOW, MONKEYPOX IS RACING THROUGH EUROPE, HOPEFULLY ON A
LITTLE UNICYCLE. HERE IN AMERICA, THE CASE COUNT
REMAINS PRETTY LOW, BUT THERE ARE CURRENTLY OVER 200 PEOPLE
BEING MONITORED FOR MONKEYPOX IN MASSACHUSETTS.
THEY'RE EXHIBITING SIGNS OF SHRIEKING, REDDENED FACES, AND
VIOLENT BEHAVIOR, SO THEY COULD JUST BE RED SOX FANS.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S TOUGH-- 200?
DID I READ THAT RIGHT? 200?
IT'S TOUGH FOR DOCTORS TO BE SURE IF THEY'RE LOOKING AT THE
GENUINE MONKEY ARTICLE, BECAUSE THE ILLNESS COULD BE CLINICALLY
CONFUSED WITH A SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED INFECTION, LIKE
SYPHILIS OR HERPES. SO IF YOU'RE EXPERIENCING ANY
SYMPTOMS, PLEASE GO TO YOUR DOCTOR, GET TESTED, AND
HOPEFULLY, GET THE DIAGNOSIS EVERY PATIENT WANTS TO HEAR:
"GOOD NEWS! YOU HAVE SYPHILIS!"
( LAUGHTER ) ACCORDING TO-- OH!
ACCORDING TO DOCTORS, YOU CAN STAY SAFE AS LONG AS YOU AVOID
CLOSE CONTACT WITH SICK PEOPLE, INCLUDING THOSE WITH SKIN
LESIONS OR GENITAL LESIONS, AS WELL AS CONTACT WITH DEAD OR
LIVE WILD ANIMALS. GREAT.
THERE GOES MY NEW BUSINESS: "DEAD OR LIVE ANIMAL PETTING
ZOO." "HAVE GENITAL LESIONS?
GET IN FREE!" HEALTH OFFICIALS ARE SO
CONCERNED THAT THE U.S. IS IN THE PROCESS OF RELEASING A
MONKEYPOX VACCINE FROM OUR NATIONAL STOCKPILE.
I'M SORRY, ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME WE HAVE A NATIONAL
STOCKPILE OF JUST RANDO VACCINES LYING AROUND?
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN HANDY AT THE HEIGHT OF BIEBER FEVER!
I STILL HAVE THE YUMMY YUMS. THANKFULLY, THE AMERICAN PUBLIC
KNOWS WHAT TO DO IN CASE OF A VIRAL OUTBREAK: MAKE UP A BUNCH
OF CRAZY NEW CONSPIRACIES. AND THERE IS A DOOZY, COURTESY
OF GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVE MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE, SEEN
HERE HALFWAY THROUGH TRANSFORMING INTO A HOWLER
MONKEY. ( APPLAUSE )
GREENE INTERVIEWED HERSELF ON FACEBOOK TO SPREAD THIS:
>> BILL GATES IS VERY CONCERNED ABOUT MONKEYPOX, BECAUSE THIS IS
SOMETHING, APPARENTLY, HE CAN MAKE A LOT OF MONEY OFF OF AND
HIM AND HIS OTHER BUDDIES. >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
AFTER YEARS OF WASTING HIS TIME MAKING BILLIONS ON COMPUTER
SFTWARE, HE'S GETTING INTO THE REAL DO YOU.
JUST LOOK AT HIS NEW FINANCE DIRECTOR.
IT'S LIKE WHAT DEEP THROAT ALWAYS SAID ABOUT WATERGATE:
FOLLOW THE MONKEY. AND IT'S NOT JUST AMERICANS.
ONE PROMINENT CHINESE SOCIAL MEDIA INFLUENCER HAS SPREAD
RUMORS THAT THERE'S A SECRET PLAN BY THE U.S. TO LEAK
BIOENGINEERED MONKEYPOX VIRUS. THAT IS INSANE.
YOU REALLY THINK THE U.S. IS CURRENTLY CAPABLE OF HAVING
PLANS? WE CAN'T EVEN PLAN HAVING ENOUGH
BABY FORMULA! WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT IF WE MILK THE MONKEYS!
MONKEY FORMULA! OH, THERE'S ALSO NEWS ABOUT
SPACE-X FOUNDER AND PHANTOM OF THE OPERA WHO FOUND THE OTHER
HALF OF HIS MASK, ELON MUSK. IT RECENTLY CAME TO LIGHT THAT
MUSK WAS ACCUSED OF SEXUAL MISCONDUCT IN 2016 BY A FLIGHT
ATTENDANT ON ONE OF HIS PRIVATE JETS.
THE WOMAN ALLEGED SHE WAS GIVING HIM A MASSAGE WHEN HE
SHOWED HER HIS ERECT PENIS, ASKED HER TO PERFORM A SEX ACT,
AND OFFERED TO BUY HER A HORSE. TO WHICH SHE REPLIED "NAY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERING )
NOW, MUSK HAS DENIED THE ALLEGATIONS, TWEETING, "ASTUTE
OBSERVERS OF MY PLANE--- AND THERE ARE MANY-- WILL NOTE THAT
I DON'T USE A FLIGHT ATTENDANT. MOREOVER, ONLY FRUIT AND NUTS
ARE STOCKED ON THE PLANE." THAT'S THE PROBLEM, ELON!
PUT AWAY YOUR NUTS! ( LAUGHTER )
SO MUSK IS CLEAR: THIS WHOLE THING NEVER HAPPENED.
WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY HE PAID THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT A $250,000
SETTLEMENT. SOUNDS SUSPICIOUS, BUT HE DID
CLEARLY WRITE ON THE CHECK MEMO LINE, "NOT HUSH MONEY.
P.S.: LET ME KNOW ABOUT THAT HORSE."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS PRIME MINISTER JACINDA ARDERN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"!
JOIN US. ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR
♪ IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
BAND, EVERYBODY! GOTTA LOVE A LITTLE SLY STONE.
GOT A LITTLE FAMILY AFFAIR. >> IT'S A FAMILY.
>> Stephen: LOUIS, LOUIS, WE ARE SO LUCKY TONIGHT.
THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF SHOW I WANT TO BE DOING.
>> YES. >> Stephen: WE HAVE ALL KINDS
OF WONDERFUL GUESTS, STARS, AUTHORS, SCIENTISTS,
INTELLECTUALS, AMAZING. BUT TONIGHT, WE HAVE SOMETHING
TRULY RARE. WE HAVE THE PRIME MINISTER OF
NEW ZEALAND HERE TONIGHT, JACINDA ARDERN.
AND, ALSO, I'M HAPPY TO SAY, I'M HAPPY AND PROUD TO SAY THAT THIS
IS THE KIND OF SHOW WHERE THIS IS NOT HER FIRST TRIP TO THIS
SHOW. WE HAVE HAD HER ON BEFORE.
AND NOT ONLY THAT, PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER THAT, WHEN I WENT
DOWN TO NEW ZEALAND, SHE WAS MY UBER DRIVER.
SHE PICKED ME UP FROM THE AIRPORT.
>> IS THAT TRUE. >> Stephen: THAT IS TRUE.
AND THE CRAZY PART IS WE'RE DRIVING THROUGH AUCKLAND FOR A
HOUSE, WHICH IS NICE, BUT IT'S JUST A HOUSE IN AUCKLAND.
WE'RE DRIVING TO THE HER HOUSE, AND PEOPLE AREN'T GOING, "IT'S
THE PRIME MINISTER!" THEY'RE GOING, "HEY, JHA."
IT'S A LOVELY PLACE. VERY NICE PEOPLE, TOO.
HAVE YOU BEEN? >> NO.
>> Stephen: EVERYBODY HAS TO GO TO NEW ZEALAND.
THEY'RE OPEN FOR BUSINESS AGAIN. NEW ZEALAND, THEY'VE BEEN
CLOSED. THEY CLOSED THE WHOLE PLACE DOWN
FOR COVID IN A VERY SERIOUS WAY, AS WE ALL SAW, THEY TOOK IT VERY
SERIOUSLY. BUT NOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN
TWO YEARS, THEY'RE OPEN. EVERYBODY GO DOWN.
YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO REGRET IT. IT'S ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
PLACES ON THE PLANET. THEY DESERVE IT.
THEY DESERVE IT, IS WHAT THEY DO.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, YOU KNOW I
SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, METICULOUSLY SIFTING
THROUGH THE DAILY NEWS DESERT, HARVESTING THE FINEST,
MOST TOPICAL MINERAL SANDS-- ABOUT 65% SILICA, A 10% FLUX
OF SODIUM OXIDE, AND A STABILIZER OF CALCIUM OXIDE--
WHICH I THEN SMELT IN A HIGH-TEMPERATURE CALCERA FURNACE
AT 1,200 TO 1,400 DEGREES CELSIUS, FUSING THEM INTO LIQUID
GLASS, THEN CAREFULLY DROPPING MY FURNACE TEMPERATURE SO I CAN
FOLD IN HAND-SELECTED CULLET AND COBALT TO OBTAIN MY INTENDED
COLOR AND CREATE THE MOST PRISMATIC NEWS CRYSTALS, WHICH
I THEN DELICATELY HANG ON A HAND-CRAFTED BALUSTER OF
HEADLINES, ARRANGING THEM TO CATCH AND REFRACT, IN A GENTLE
DANCE OF LIGHT AND SHADOW, THE MOST TOPICAL REFLECTIONS OF THE
DAY, ADORNING THE ARRANGEMENT WITH ONE FINAL FINIAL OF QUIPS
TO PRESENT TO YOU THE VENETIAN MURANO GLASS CHANDELIER THAT IS
MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES FOLKS, SOMETOMES,
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NAKED IN THE BACK BOOTH OF A
LONG-ABANDONED COUNTY FAIR, I PULL ON SOME OVERALLS I STOLE
OFF A SCARECROW, AND CLAW THROUGH THE GROUNDS SCRAPING THE
LEAVINGS OFF SOME DISUSED SPARKLERS, PICK THROUGH BROKEN
COKE BOTTLES AND BIRTHDAY CANDLES, BOIL OFF THE REMNANTS
IN A DISCARDED TUB OF LAUNDRY DETERGENT TO EXTRACT THE
BENZENE. THEN, USING THE SHOELACES I TOOK
OFF A HOBO SLEEPING UNDER THE FERRIS WHEEL AND DENTAL
FLOSS CURRENTLY IN USE BY SAID HOBO, I BIND THE CONGLOMERATE
OF SHARDS AND ACCELERANT TOGETHER AND HOLD IT NEAR THE
SPUTTERING SPARK PLUG OF AN OLD ICE CREAM TRUCK TO IGNITE
THE CHAOTIC CANDELABRA OF FLAMING NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"MEANWHILE"! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ALWAYS WATER IN THE WELL. IT'S LIKE COMING HOME.
MEANWHILE, A 5-YEAR-OLD TEE BALL PLAYER NAMED BEN SADLOWSKI IS
GOING VIRAL TODAY FOR HIS ELABORATE AT-BAT WALK-UP DANCE.
TAKE A LOOK.
♪ ♪ ♪
I HAVEN'T SEEN SUCH AN ELABORATE WALK-UP DANCING SINCE DEREK
JETER HIT A DOUBLE AFTER PERFORMING "SWAN LAKE."
( LAUGHTER ) ANYWAY, GOOD FOR YOU.
THAT WAS ALL A LOT OF SUPER FUN TO WATCH, BUT THIS IS BASEBALL,
AND I'M AFRAID DANCING DOESN'T HELP-- OH!
GOOD-BYE, MR. SPALDING! GOOD FOR YOU, BEN.
( APPLAUSE ) ITS LAST STANDING PUBLIC PAY
PHONES YESTERDAY. THIS IS THE END OF AN ERA.
NOW WHERE WILL NEW YORKERS PEE?
( LAUGHTER ) PLANT IS NOW AT RISK OF
EXTINCTION IN CAMBODIA BECAUSE PEOPLE KEEP PLUCKING IT OUT OF
THE GROUND TO TAKE SELFIES WITH IT.
OH, PLEASE. GET YOUR MINDS OUT OF THE
GUTTER, PEOPLE. HOW PHALLIC-LOOKING COULD THIS
THING POSSIBLY-- OH, MY!
OH! OH, GOODNESS!
OH, LORDY! IS THAT A FLOWER, OR IS THE
JUNGLE JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME? ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, HERE'S THE THING, HERE'S THE THING THAT PEOPLE HERE DON'T
KNOW: YOU AT HOME ARE GETTING A
SLIGHTLY BLURRED VERSION OF THIS BECAUSE-- MY LORD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO
UNBELIEVABLY DONG-ISH THAT THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK-- AND
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE-- MADE US BLUR A PLANT.
SO USE YOUR IMAGINATION AT HOME. OR GOOGLE "WHAT A PENIS LOOKS
LIKE," AND IT'S EXACTLY THIS PHOTO.
THIS PLANT IS CALLED NEPENTHES MIRABILIS, AND IT'S IN DANGER OF
GOING EXTINCT BECAUSE EVERYONE IS COLLECTING THEM AFTER A VIDEO
OF SOME WOMEN PICKING THE PENIS PLANT WENT VIRAL ON SOCIAL
MEDIA. I DUNNO.
THE PLANTS SEEM PRETTY INTO IT. ( LAUGHTER )
A CHRISTIAN INFLUENCER WARNED THAT THE YOGA BARBIE DOLL
SPREADS SATANISM. I CAN BELIEVE THAT.
WHENEVER SOMEONE SUGGESTS I DO YOGA, I TELL THEM TO GO TO HELL
( LAUGHTER ) THE INFLUENCER, YASMEEN SURI, A
CONSERVATIVE CHRISTIAN, RECENTLY WENT ON A RANT,
CLAIMING THAT "BREATHE WITH ME" BARBIE COULD LEAD TO CHILDREN
BECOMING POSSESSED BY DEMONS. ESPECIALLY WHEN "BREATHE WITH
ME" BARBIE IS PAIRED WITH "GOAT SACRIFICE" KEN.
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S-- HE'S ASKING SATAN FOR ANY
GENITALIA AT ALL. MEANWHILE, IN ANIMAL NEWS,
MARINE BIOLOGISTS HAVE DISCOVERED THAT DOLPHINS
RECOGNIZE EACH OTHER BY TASTING ONE ANOTHER'S URINE.
YECH. ALSO, WHAT ARE DOLPHIN HIGH
SCHOOL REUNIONS LIKE? "OH, MY GOODNESS, DAN NOONAN?
IT'S DAN NOONAN! IT IS HIM.
GIVE HER A TASTE, SEE? IT'S DAN!
HE LOOKS GREAT! I DON'T KNOW.
( LAUGHTER )
SAYING "OMG, WTF" TODAY, BECAUSE WE LEARNED THAT THE J.M. SMUCKER
COMPANY HAS RECALLED SEVERAL JIF PEANUT BUTTER PRODUCTS BECAUSE
THEY MAY CONTAIN SALMONELLA. THE RISK IS ESPECIALLY HIGH IN
JARS OF JIF CHUNKY RAW CHICKEN. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PRIME
MINISTER JACINDA ARDERN. ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A DEDICATED
PUBLIC SERVANT FOR THE PEOPLE OF NEW ZEALAND, AND A RELIABLE RIDE
FROM THE AIRPORT. PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE
SHOW," PRIME MINISTER JACINDA ARDERN!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> IT'S SO NICE TO SEE YOU. >> Stephen: WHEN I WAS IN NEW
ZEALAND IN 2019, IT WAS ONLY A FEW MONTHS AFTER THE TERRIBLE
GUN VIOLENCE IN CHRISTCHURCH. AND IMMEDIATELY THEREAFTER, THE
NEW ZEALAND PARLIAMENT TOOK ACTION TO REMOVE GUNS FROM THE
STREETS. AND HERE IN THE UNITED STATES,
WE HAVE THE KIND OF GUN VIOLENCE WE SAU SAW SAUTEED FAR TOO OFTE.
AND I'M WONDERING IF YOU HAVE-- IF YOU COULD EXPLAIN TO US HOW
YOU DID IT. WHY NEW ZEALAND WAS ABLE TO DO
THAT WHEN WE CAN'T PASS SO MUCH AS UNIVERSAL BACKGROUND CHECKS
FOR PEOPLE WITH A HISTORY OF MENTAL ILLNESS, OR VIOLENT
BEHAVIOR, EVEN THOUGH 91% OF AMERICANS APPROVE OF THAT, WANT
THAT, ON BOTH SIDES OF THE AISLE.
HOW DID YOU GET THAT DONE? OR HOW DID YOU NEW ZEALANDERS
GET THAT DONE BECAUSE I KNOW IT WAS GENERAL CONSENSUS.
.>> I CAN ONLY SPEAK TO OUR GENERAL EXPERIENCE IN NEW
ZEALAND, AND WHEN I WATCH FROM AFFAIR AND SEE LIKE TODAY, I SEE
THEM NOT AS A POLITICIAN BUT AS A MOTHER, AND I'M SO SORRY FOR
WHAT HAS HAPPENED HERE. AND THEN I THINK ABOUT WHAT
HAPPENED TO US, AND ALL I CAN REFLECT IS WE ARE A VERY
PRAGMATIC PEOPLE. WHEN WE SAW SOMETHING LIKE THAT
HAPPEN, EVERYONE SAID NEVER AGAIN.
SO THEN IT WAS INCUMBENT ON US AS POLITICIANS TO RESPOND TO
THAT. NOW, WE HAVE LNL NEEDS FOR GUNS
IN OUR COUNTRY FOR THINGS LIKE PEACE CONTROL AND TO PROTECT OUR
BIODIVERSITY. BUT YOU DON'T NEED A
MILITARY-STYLE SEMIAUTOMATIC WEAPON TO DO THAT.
AND SO WE GOT RID OF THEM. ( APPLAUSE )
WHAT ARE THE RESULTS OF THAT? HAS THERE-- DOES IT FEEL LIKE A
LESS-FREE COUNTRY TO ANYONE DOWN THERE?
HAS THERE BEEN ANY SORT OF BACKLASH FOR THIS HAVING
HAPPENED? >> SO WE HAD A BUY-BACK SCHEME.
PEOPLE WHO HAD LEGITIMATELY AND LEGALLY GONE OUT AND PURCHASED
THESE WEAPONS AND WE CHANGED THE LAWS, SO IN FAIRNESS WE SAID WE
WILL BUY THEM BACK AND WE WILL DESTROY THEM.
THAT IS WHAT WE DID. NOW, WE STILL HAVE WORK TO DO.
THERE ARE STILL, OBVIOUSLY, GUNS THAT ARE MISUSED IN NEW ZEALAND,
SO I WON'T SIT HERE AND SAY THAT OUR SYSTEM IS PERFECT.
BUT WE-- WE SAW SOMETHING THAT WASN'T RIGHT, AND WE ACTED ON
IT. AND I CAN ONLY SPEAK TO THAT
EXPERIENCE. >> Stephen: WELL, ONE OF THE
OTHER THINGS, BESIDES THAT HOPEFUL EXAMPLE, ANOTHER HOPEFUL
EXAMPLE WAS HOW NEW ZEALAND RESPONDED TO COVID.
AND I WANT TO GET TO THAT IN JUST A MOMENT.
BUT YOU, YOURSELF, JUST RECOVERED.
>> I DID. I THINK WE ACTUALLY HAD
SIMULTANEOUS INFECTIONS. >> Stephen: REALLY?
BECAUSE I STARTED APRIL 21. WHEN WAS YOURS GENERALLY?
>> I GOT COVID FOR MOTHER'S DAY. >> Stephen: OH, OKAY.
>> YEAH, THAT WAS CLARK'S GIFT TO ME.
>> Stephen: HE HAD IT FIRST? >> YEAH, HE-- HE TESTED POSITIVE
ON MOTHER'S DAY. AND I SUBSEQUENTLY TESTED
POSITIVE. >> Stephen: THANKS, HONEY,
THERE YOU GO. >> I DON'T RECOMMEND IT AS A
GIFT, BY THE WAY. >> Stephen: YOUR DAUGHTER MADE
YOU A MOTHER'S DAY CARD, A DICTATED TO CLARK, RIGHT?
>> THAT IS A DICTATED CARD. THAT IS NOT HER OWN WORK.
>> Stephen: MAY I SHOW THIS? IT SAYS HERE, "MOM, YAY, IT IS
MOTHER'S DAY. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.
I LOVE FISHY KISSES. I LOVE YOU LIKE HOT LAVA.
LOVE. THAT IS ABSOLUTELY LOVELY.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND-- WHAT IS FISHY KISSES?
IS THAT WHEN YOU KISS SOMEONE WITH A MOUTH FULL OF SUSHI?
>> IT'S LIKE REPLICATING THAT ON TELEVISION WOULD WOULD BE A
CAREER-DEFINING MOMENT IN A BAD WAY.
SO -- >> Stephen: POSSIBLY NOT DIG
DIGNIFIED, NOT FIG NIGHED ENOUGH.
>> PERHAPS IF I COULD DEMONSTRATE.
IF YOU PURSE YOUR LIPS AND VERY QUICKLY MAKE QUICK KISSY-- THERE
WE GO. THANK YOU.
IT'S A FISHY KISS. >> Stephen: YES.
TIME FOR SMOOCHYS, I BELIEVE WE CALL THAT.
TIME FOR SMOOCHYS. >> AND EVER SINCE SHE WAS A
BABY, IT'S MADE HER GIGGLE. >> Stephen: THAT'S LOVELY.
SO LET'S TALK ABOUT WHAT WE'RE HERE TO CELEBRATE IS THAT NEW
ZEALAND HAS OPENED AGAIN TO OUTSIDERS LIKE US.
HOW-- "A," WHEN DOES THIS START? AND HOW WAS THIS DECISION MADE
IN A RESPONSIBLE WAY? >> IT IS-- IT HAS STARTED.
>> Stephen: IT CAN HAPPEN NOW. I CAN LEAVE RIGHT NOW, GO TO
J.F.K., AND FLY TO AUCKLAND. >> YOU COULD FLY TO AUCKLAND AND
YOU COULD BE SO WELCOME. DO YOU NEED A MINUTE FOR ME TO
GET BACK THERE AND PICK YOU UP. I KNOW THAT'S PART OF YOUR RIDE?
>> Stephen: YOU RUINED ME. >> WE ARE OPENING, AND WELCOMING
GUESTS TO NEW ZEALAND IS SO MUCH A PART OF WHO WE ARE.
HOSPITALITY IS PART OF OUR IDENTITY.
SO, PLEASE, COME BACK AND MAKE US WHOLE AGAIN.
YOU WOULD BE SO WELCOME. >> Stephen: I WOULD WOULD, I
TELL PEOPLE BEFORE, ABSOLUTELY SHOULD GO.
( APPLAUSE ) RESPONDED TO COVID, AS I SAID,
WAS INSPIRATIONAL TO THOSE OF US WATCHING FROM THE OUTSIDE.
95% OF KI KIWIS ARE VACCINATED . >> YES, OF THE ELIGIBLE
POPULATION. >> Stephen: WELL DONE, WELL
DONE. ( APPLAUSE )
TRAGEDY, 1,000 NEW ZEALANDERS DIED IN A POPULATION OF FIVE
MILLION. THAT WOULD BE LIKE THE UNITED
STATES LOSING 65,000 PEOPLE INSTEAD OF ONE MILLION PEOPLE.
AND I'M CURIOUS, WHAT ACTUALLY LED TO THAT MINDSET?
WHY DO YOU THINK YOU HAD SUCCESS IN THAT REGARD?
>> NEW ZEALAND HAS-- HAS HAD SEVERAL ADVANTAGES WHEN IT CAME
TO THE PANDEMIC, AND ONE OF THEM WAS WE HAD A LAG TIME SO WE WERE
ABLE TO SEE WHAT IT WAS DOING TO THE REST OF THE WORLD.
>> Stephen: I SEE. THAT MAKES SENSE.
>> IT WASN'T A LARGE LAG TIME. WE STILL HAD TO MAKE VERY QUICK
DECISIONS. BUT OUR VIEW WAS WHILE WE CANNOT
HAVE A VACCINE AND THE ONLY WAY TO PROTECT OURSELVES AND ONE
ANOTHER WAS TO USE LOCKDOWNS, WE DECIDED THAT WE WOULD TRY AND
ELIMINATE, JUST GET RID OF COVID.
SO THAT'S WHAT WE DID. >> Stephen: SO WHEN YOU CLOSED
THE BORDERS, HOW LONG ALL TOGETHER WERE THEY CLOSED TO US?
>> WE BRIEFLY-- FOR THE ENTIRETY OF THE PANDEMIC.
>> Stephen: TWO AND A HALF YEARS.
>> WE HAD A BRIEF PERIOD. PEOPLE COULD COME AND GO.
NEW ZEALANDERS COULD COME AND GO AND USE QUARANTINE.
WE HAD A BRIEF OPENING WITH AUSTRALIA.
BUT, OTHERWISE, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THAT WE ARE
WELCOMINGESH BACK. >> Stephen: SO YOU BRIEFLY
OPENED AND HAD TO CLOSE AGAIN, RIGHT?
>> WE DID. WE DID.
IT GOT A LITTLE COMPLICATED THERE.
>> Stephen: SURE. >> BUT NOW, THIS IS IT.
IT'S OPEN AND EVERYONE'S BACK. >> Stephen: HOW LONG DID YOU
THINK IT WAS GOING TO BE? BECAUSE WHEN YOU MAKE THAT CALL,
THAT'S NOT AN EASY CALL FOR THE NEW ZEALAND GOVERNMENT TO MAKE.
"WE'RE GOING TO ABSOLUTELY SHUT DOWN OUR BORDERS."
HOW LONG DID YOU IMAGINE THAT WAS GOING TO BE?
>> INITIALLY IT WAS COUNTRIES BY COUNTRIES.
THE OUTBREAK WAS SPREADING AROUND THE WORLD.
WE WERE PROGRESSIVELY SAYING IT'S HERE NOW AND WE'LL SHUT OFF
TO THERE AND THERE. AND THEN EVENTUALLY, WE SAID
LOOK WHAT WE'RE SEEING OVERSEAS. WE JUST COULDN'T STAND THE IDEA
OF OUR POPULATION BEING DEVASTATED WHEN WE COULD DO
SOMETHING ABOUT IT. DID WE THINK IT WOULD BE THAT
LONG? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
BUT WE KNEW THE MAGNITUDE. I REMEMBER THAT MEETING AS WE
SAT AROUND AND MADE THOSE DECISIONS.
THEY WERE HUGE. I FELT REALLY EMOTIONAL AFTER
THEM BECAUSE I KNEW THE IMPACT IT WOULD HAVE.
BUT IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
IT SAVED SO MANY LIVES. >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK. BUT DON'T GO ANYWHERE, WE'LL BE
RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OF NEW ZEALAND PRIME MINISTER JACINDA
ARDERN, EVERYBODY.
( APPLAUSE ) I JUST GOT TO SHOW THIS REAL
QUICK. IT TURNS OUT, AT THE END OF
EVERY DAY, YOU GET A BIG BRIEFCASE, WHY, YOU COME HOME
WITH THAT. >> IT'S THE WORK I NEED TO DO
OVERNIGHT. >> Stephen: AND YOUR DAUGHTER
NEVE-- >> SHE WAS GETTING JEALOUS.
>> Stephen: THE NEW ZEALAND GOVERNMENT PUT TOGETHER A
BRIEFCASE FOR NEVE TO HAVE AT THE END OF THE DAY, TOO.
ISN'T THAT LOVELY? >> SHE CALLS IT HER "BUSY WORK."
AND IF I COME HOME WITHOUT IT, SHE'S BITTERLY DISAPPOINTED.
BUT WHEN I DO COME HOME WITH IT, SHE GOES, "OH!"
>> Stephen: HER WORK IS NEVER DONE.
>> MORE HOMEWORK. >> Stephen: LET ME ASK YOU
ABOUT PARLIAMENTARY DEMOCRACY HERE.
BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GUYS ARE DOING A PRETTY GOOD JOB.
TELL ME HOW IT WORKS. SO YOU BASICALLY WOULD BE, LIKE,
TELL ME IF I GET THIS WRONG, IT WOULD BE LIKE IF A MEMBER OF OUR
CONGRESS, IF ONE PARTY CONTROLS THE CONGRESS, THE LEADER OF THAT
PARTY ENDS UP BEING THE PRIME MINISTER.
>> CORRECT, CORRECT. >> Stephen: AS IF THE SPEAKER
OF THE HOUSE BECOMES PRESIDENT. >> WHOEVER IS ABLE TO FORM
GOVERNMENT AND THE LEADER OF THAT MAJORITY PARTY OF THAT
MAJOR PARTY BECOMING THE PRIME MINISTER.
>> Stephen: NOW, DO YOU WATCH HOW OUR GOVERNMENT WORKS?
>> YES. >> Stephen: OKAY.
DO YOU HAVE ANY THOUGHTS? DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW OUR
GOVERNMENT WORKS? >> I BELIEVE SO.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT TO ME?
>> I WOULD-- I WOULD-- IT TENDS TO BE A POLICY OF COUNTRIES LIKE
MINE TO STAY OUT OF OTHER COUNTRY'S POLITICS.
( APPLAUSE ). OF OURS.
WE LIKE TO GET IN THERE. OKAY, DESPITE BEING A WORLD AWAY
FROM UKRAINE, NEW ZEALAND HAS SENT MONEY, EQUIPMENT, AND
TRAINING TO UKRAINE'S ARMY. >> YES.
>> Stephen: WHAT MESSAGE DO YOU AND YOUR COUNTRY WANT TO
SEND ABOUT NEW ZEALAND'S ROLE IN THE WORLD?
>> I HAD A CONVERSATION THIS IS A GOOD FEW WEEKS AGO NOW, WITH
THE PRIME MINISTER OF UKRAINE. AND I REMEMBER SAYING TO HIM, I
MEAN, ANY CONTRIBUTION AT THIS TIME, PARTICULARLY WHEN YOU'RE A
COUNTRY OF FIVE MILLION PEOPLE, IT FEELS SO DWARFED BY THE
MAGNITUDE OF WHAT'S HAPPENING. I REMEMBER SAYING TO HIM, "WE'RE
SO SMALL, BUT HERE ARE THE THINGS WE CAN DO AND THIS IS
WHAT WE'RE DOING." AND HE SAID TO ME, "IT'S NOT
ABOUT SMALL AND IT'S NOT ABOUT BIG.
IT'S THOSE WHO REACT AND THOSE WHO DON'T, AND YOU HAVE
REACTED." AND THAT JUST SAYS IT ALL.
IT'S NOT ABOUT SIZE. IT'S ABOUT VALUES.
AND IN THESE MOMENTS, STANDING TOGETHER, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER
YOU'RE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD OR NOT, AND SHOWING THAT
THIS IS NOT A CONFLICT THAT WE'RE GOING TO LET HAPPEN IN THE
SHADOWS. WE WILL SPEAK UP.
WE WILL SPEAK AGAINST IT AND STAND TOGETHER UNTIL IT ENDS.
( APPLAUSE ) LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK, BUT WHEN
WE COME BACK, I WILL ASK THE PRIME MINISTER ABOUT HER
UPCOMING NUPTIALS. STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE ALL THOSE RESERVATIONING,s COVID CAME IN
RIGHT AFTER WE WERE DOWN THERE. OH, HEY, EVERYBODY.
WE'RE BACK HERE WITH PRIME MINISTER JACINDA ARDERN.
WE'RE JUST CHATTING. WE'RE JUST TALKIN'.
NEW ZEALAND IS NOT JUST OPENING TO TOURISM.
IT ALSO, THIS TRIP OVER HERE IS ALSO ABOUT TRADE.
>> YES. >> Stephen: AND I'M JUST
CURIOUS, WHAT IS THE MAJOR-- WHAT'S THE MAJOR EXPORT FOR NEW
ZEALAND? WHAT DO WE BUY FROM YOU?
>> OF COURSE WE ARE VERY WELL KNOWN FOR OUR HIGH-QUALITY FOOD
AND BEVERAGE PRODUCT. >> Stephen: SURE.
>> EVERYONE KNOWS, I HOPE, OUR HIGH-QUALITY DAIRY, BEEF.
I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEF HERE WITH ME FOR YOU A CHILI BIN.
>> Stephen: WHAT ARE THEY? >> A CHILI BIN?
WE CALL IT A CHILI BIN. >> Stephen: A COOLER.
>> A COOLER! >> Stephen: CHILLY BIN.
IT SOUNDS LIKE A POT OF CHILL TOW ME.
>> I FEEL LIKE THE NEW ZEALAND WORD, CHILLY BIN.
IT'S A COLD BIN. I HAVE A COLD BIN OF BEEF FOR
YOU. >> Stephen: THANK YOU.
NO LEADER OF A COUNTRY HAS EVER SAID THAT TO ME BEFORE.
>> IT IS CARBON-NEUTRAL BASED BECAUSE A BIG PART OF WHAT NEW
ZEALAND IS PROMOTING TO THE WORLD IS WE WANT PEOPLE TO FEEL
GOOD ABOUT BUYING OUR PRODUCTS. AND SO, WE NEED OUR VALUES TO BE
EMBEDDED IN THEM. SO OUR VALUES AROUND CLIMATE
CHANGE, SUSTAINABILITY, ANIMAL WELFARE.
IT'S ALL THERE IN WHAT WE DO NOW.
>> Stephen: NOW, WHEN I WAS DOWN THERE IN 2019, YOU AND YOUR
FIANCE, CLARK, HAD JUST RECENTLY BECOME ENGAGED.
BUT YOU STILL, BECAUSE OF COVID, STILL HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO GET
MARRIED YET. IS THIS TRUE?
>> THAT IS CORRECT. WE'VE HAD A NUMBER OF
POSTPONEMENTS. >> Stephen: POSTPONEMENTS.
AND I HAVE NOT BEEN DOWN THERE TO OFFICIATE, AS I OFFERED.
AND THAT-- YOU SAID IT WOULD BE FINE, AND CLARK SAID, "WE'LL
TALK ABOUT IT." >> WE TALKED ABOUT IT.
>> Stephen: YES. >> AND...
I MEAN, IT'S A-- IT'S NOT A VERY PROFESSIONAL INVITATION.
I TORE IT OUT OF AN INFLIGHT MAGAZINE.
>> Stephen: IT SAYS, "DEAR STEPHEN AND EVELYN, PLEASE JOIN
US FOR OUR WEDDING. DATE: T.B.C.
TO BE CONFIRMED? >> CORRECT.
>> Stephen: "BUT SOME TIME AFTER NONSTOP FLIGHTS FROM NEW
YORK TO AUCKLAND STARTING SEPTEMBER 17, 2022.
PLEASE, NO GIFTS. CLARK'S...
>> CLARK'S STILL A BIT FUNNY ABOUT THE ENGAGEMENT PRESENT YOU
GAVE US. >> Stephen: WHAT DID I GIVE
YOU? >> YOU GAVE US MATCHING MISTER
AND MISSES GLASSES. >> Stephen: I GAVE YOU THE
COCKTAIL GLASSES. >> WHICH HAD MY FULL TITLE ON
IT. ( LAUGHTER ).
ZEALAND, AND MR. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: I ACCEPT. ON BEHALF OF BOTH OF US.
PRIME MINISTER JACINDA ARDERN, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY PUNCH BROTHERS.
>> Stephen: PERFORMING "ANY OLD TIME" FROM THEIR ALBUM,
"HELL ON CHURCH STREET," PUNCH BROTHERS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ I JUST RECEIVED YOUR LETTER,
YOU'RE DOWN AND OUT, ♪ YOU SAY
AT FIRST I THOUGHT ♪ I WOULD TELL YOU
TO TRAVEL DOWN ♪ THE OTHER WAY
BUT IN MY MEMORY LINGERS ♪ ALL YOU ONCE WERE TO ME
SO I'M GONNA GIVE YOU ♪ ONE MORE CHANCE
TO PROVE WHAT YOU CAN BE ♪ ANY OLD TIM
YOU WANNA COME BACK HOME ♪ DROP ME A LINE AND,
HONEY, SAY NO MORE ♪ YOU'LL ROAM
YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE ♪ TO PLAY THE GAME FAIR
BUT WHEN YOU LEFT ME, ♪ SWEETHEART,
YOU ONLY LEFT A LOVE ♪ WHO CARED
NOW THAT YOU'RE DOWN, ♪ I'M GONNA STICK BY YOU
IF YOU WILL ONLY TELL ME ♪ THAT YOUR ROAMING DAYS
ARE THROUGH ♪ YOU'LL FIND ME HERE,
JUST LIKE THE DAY ♪ YOU LEFT ME ALONE
ANY OLD TIME ♪ YOU WANNA COME BACK HOME
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ANY OLD TIME YOU WANNA COME BACK HOME
♪ DROP ME A LINE AND, HONEY, SAY NO MORE
♪ YOU'LL ROAM YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE
♪ TO PLAY THE GAME FAIR BUT WHEN YOU LEFT ME,
♪ SWEETHEART, YOU ONLY LEFT A LOVE
♪ WHO CARED NOW THAT YOU'RE DOWN,
♪ I'M GONNA STICK BY YOU IF YOU WILL ONLY TELL ME
♪ THAT YOUR ROAMING DAYS ARE THROUGH
♪ YOU'LL FIND ME HERE, JUST LIKE THE DAY
♪ YOU LEFT ME ALONE ANY OLD TIME
♪ YOU WANNA COME BACK HOME YOU'LL FIND ME HERE,
♪ JUST LIKE THE DAY YOU LEFT ME ALONE
♪ ANY OLD TIME YOU WANNA COME BACK HOME
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
PUNCH BROTHERS, EVERYBODY. THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW.
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE COMEDIAN MICHAEL CHE
AND ADMIRAL JAMES STAVRIDIS. JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT!