1 00:00:01,267 --> 00:00:10,443 IT'S THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT. 2 00:00:10,510 --> 00:00:13,513 PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: NEW ZEALAND'S PRIME MINISTER, 3 00:00:13,580 --> 00:00:22,288 JACINDA ARDERN AND MUSICAL GUEST PUNCH BROTHERS 4 00:00:22,355 --> 00:00:27,093 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 5 00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:31,064 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 6 00:00:31,131 --> 00:00:33,700 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 7 00:00:59,092 --> 00:01:00,794 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HELLO! 8 00:01:00,860 --> 00:01:03,329 HELLO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF. PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY. 9 00:01:03,396 --> 00:01:06,399 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU SO MUCH. 10 00:01:06,466 --> 00:01:11,604 WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE LATE SHOW, I'M YOUR HOST, 11 00:01:11,671 --> 00:01:14,407 STEPHEN COLBERT. NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN-- 12 00:01:14,474 --> 00:01:19,045 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DAY, AND I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW, 13 00:01:19,112 --> 00:01:22,348 SHORTLY BEFORE I CAME OUT HERE TONIGHT, WE LEARNED OF THE 14 00:01:22,415 --> 00:01:27,020 UNSPEAKABLE SHOOTING IN UVALDE, TEXAS TODAY. 15 00:01:27,086 --> 00:01:31,991 AND WHILE WE CAN ADD OUR PRAYERS FOR THE DEAD... 16 00:01:32,058 --> 00:01:33,193 THERE IS NOTHING THAT CAN EVER BE SAID THAT CAN APPROACH THE 17 00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:36,796 IMMEASURABLE GRIEF OF THOSE FAMILIES. 18 00:01:36,863 --> 00:01:43,937 BUT WHILE WE'RE AT IT, LET'S PRAY THAT THIS TIME OUR LEADERS 19 00:01:44,003 --> 00:01:46,673 SHOW A MODICUM OF COURAGE IN TRYING TO PREVENT THIS FROM EVER 20 00:01:46,739 --> 00:01:49,175 HAPPENING AGAIN. BUT PRAYERS WON'T END THIS. 21 00:01:49,242 --> 00:01:51,678 VOTING MIGHT. SO, WHEN YOU VOTE, ASK 22 00:01:51,744 --> 00:01:55,648 YOURSELF THIS QUESTION: WHO, RUNNING FOR OFFICE, HAS PUBLICLY 23 00:01:55,715 --> 00:01:59,619 STATED THAT THEY ARE WILLING TO DO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING IN 24 00:01:59,686 --> 00:02:01,788 THEIR POWER TO PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN FROM THE CRIMINALLY 25 00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:04,057 INSANE NUMBER OF GUNS IN AMERICA. 26 00:02:04,123 --> 00:02:14,701 AND I WILL TELL YOU-- ( APPLAUSE ) 27 00:02:14,767 --> 00:02:21,274 ABOUT IT. THE NEW ZEALANDERS. 28 00:02:21,341 --> 00:02:26,079 AND MY GUEST TONIGHT IS THE NEW ZEALAND PRIME MINISTER JACINDA 29 00:02:26,145 --> 00:02:30,750 ARDERN, AND I WILL ASK HER HOW THEY ACHIEVED THAT AND WHAT THE 30 00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:33,386 RESULTS HAVE BEEN. AND THE THING IS, THIS YEAR, 31 00:02:33,453 --> 00:02:34,721 YOUR VOTE IS NOT A THEORY, BECAUSE WE ARE JUST A FEW MONTHS 32 00:02:34,787 --> 00:02:36,456 AWAY FROM THE MIDTERM ELECTIONS. AND TONIGHT, THERE ARE PRIMARIES 33 00:02:36,523 --> 00:02:39,092 IN FIVE STATES, BUT THE RACE EVERYONE'S WATCHING IS THE 34 00:02:39,158 --> 00:02:43,329 GEORGIA G.O.P GUBERNATORIAL PRIMARY BETWEEN SITTING GOVERNOR 35 00:02:43,396 --> 00:02:46,232 AND SMILE SCHOOL DROPOUT, BRIAN KEMP, AND FORMER SENATOR 36 00:02:46,299 --> 00:02:50,770 AND EMPEROR PALE-PATINE, DAVID PERDUE. 37 00:02:50,837 --> 00:02:57,710 ( LAUGHTER ) ABOUT THESE TWO DINGUSES, OR 38 00:02:57,777 --> 00:02:59,245 "DINGII?" WELL, THIS RACE IS ACTUALLY ALL 39 00:02:59,312 --> 00:03:05,051 ABOUT THE GUY WHO'S NOT ON THE BALLOT, BECAUSE PERDUE HAS BEEN 40 00:03:05,118 --> 00:03:07,987 ENDORSED BY FORMER PRESIDENT OTTO VON SKIDMARK. 41 00:03:08,054 --> 00:03:13,860 HE'S-- HE'S, THE REASON HE BACKING PERDUE IS 42 00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:15,395 BECAUSE HE'S STILL MAD THAT GOVERNOR KEMP WOULDN'T STEAL 43 00:03:15,461 --> 00:03:16,996 GEORGIA'S VOTES FOR HIM IN 2020. BUT KEMP'S GOT AN ACE UP HIS 44 00:03:17,063 --> 00:03:19,098 SLEEVE: THE ENDORSEMENT OF FORMER VICE PRESIDENT MIKE 45 00:03:19,165 --> 00:03:24,404 PENCE, SEEN HERE WONDERING WHAT THE BLUE LIQUID IN THE WOMEN'S 46 00:03:24,470 --> 00:03:26,940 NAPKIN COMMERCIALS COULD POSSIBLY BE. 47 00:03:27,006 --> 00:03:31,110 ( LAUGHTER ) THEY JUST-- WHY DO THE WOMEN 48 00:03:31,177 --> 00:03:35,081 FILL THEIR POWERADE SO MUCH? THIS IS WHY THEY CAN'T BE IN 49 00:03:35,148 --> 00:03:43,089 SPORTS. THAT'S RIGHT! 50 00:03:43,156 --> 00:03:47,093 THE FORMER PREZ VERSUS THE FORMER VEEP! 51 00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:50,029 THE THRILLA IN VANILLA! 52 00:03:50,096 --> 00:03:51,397 TANG VERSUS MAYO! IN A KNOCK-DOWN BRAWL FOR 53 00:03:51,464 --> 00:03:53,132 GEORGIA THAT ANALYSTS ARE CALLING "A PROXY WAR." 54 00:03:53,199 --> 00:03:55,668 AND IN THIS BATTLE, THERE'S VERY FINE PEOPLE ON NEITHER SIDE. 55 00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:58,237 THERE HASN'T BEEN-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 56 00:03:58,304 --> 00:04:08,448 THERE HASN'T BEEN A SHOWDOWN LIKE THIS BETWEEN A PRESIDENT 57 00:04:08,514 --> 00:04:10,083 AND HIS VEEP SINCE WALTER MONDALE CAME AFTER JIMMY CARTER 58 00:04:10,149 --> 00:04:16,089 WITH HIS DISS TRACK: "WHY DON'T YOU FARM DEEZ NUTS?" 59 00:04:16,155 --> 00:04:21,694 ( LAUGHTER ) PENCE HAS JOINED KEMP ON THE 60 00:04:21,761 --> 00:04:23,329 CAMPAIGN TRAIL, SAYING, "I WAS FOR BRIAN KEMP BEFORE IT WAS 61 00:04:23,396 --> 00:04:29,435 COOL." SO... NOW? 62 00:04:29,502 --> 00:04:33,706 BECAUSE IT'S STILL NOT COOL. ( APPLAUSE ) 63 00:04:33,773 --> 00:04:39,112 PENCE IS OPPOSING HIS OLD BOSS, AND SOME SEE THIS SPLIT AS THE 64 00:04:39,178 --> 00:04:44,183 SEEDS OF A 2024 PENCE PRESIDENTIAL RUN, AS THE 65 00:04:44,250 --> 00:04:45,418 INCREASINGLY EMBOLDENED PENCE SEEKS TO REINTRODUCE HIMSELF TO 66 00:04:45,485 --> 00:04:47,086 REPUBLICAN VOTERS. YEAH. 67 00:04:47,153 --> 00:04:51,190 HE'S TRYING TO CHANGE THE MAGA MESSAGE TO "HANG WITH MIKE 68 00:04:51,257 --> 00:04:52,592 PENCE." ( LAUGHTER ) 69 00:04:52,659 --> 00:04:59,098 IT LOOKS LIKE-- IT LOOKS LIKE-- SLIGHT CHANGE. 70 00:04:59,165 --> 00:05:05,772 IT LOOKS LIKE PENCE MIGHT WIN, TONIGHT, BECAUSE GOING INTO THE 71 00:05:05,838 --> 00:05:08,441 VOTE, HIS GUY, KEMP, WAS UP BY MORE THAN 30 POINTS, WHICH MEANS 72 00:05:08,508 --> 00:05:11,778 THE EX-PRESIDENT'S GUY, PERDUE, IS STARING DOWN AN EPIC DEFEAT. 73 00:05:11,844 --> 00:05:13,579 AND THAT DEFEAT-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 74 00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:20,053 YOU KNOW. YOU KNOW THAT KEFEET IS GOING TO 75 00:05:20,119 --> 00:05:24,657 HURT THE EX-PREZ. IT'S ALSO GONNA HURT WHEN HE 76 00:05:24,724 --> 00:05:28,494 FINDS OUT THIS PERDUE ISN'T THE ONE THAT MAKES CHICKEN FINGERS. 77 00:05:28,561 --> 00:05:31,097 THAT'S-- THAT'S-- THAT'S NOT THE ONLY NEWS ABOUT 78 00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:33,700 THE FORMER POTUS. WE JUST LEARNED ABOUT ANOTHER 79 00:05:33,766 --> 00:05:38,037 ONE OF HIS CRAZY OBSESSIONS, THANKS TO FORMER PRESIDENTIAL 80 00:05:38,104 --> 00:05:39,706 ATTORNEY AND CLINICALLY DEPRESSED BASSETT HOUND, 81 00:05:39,772 --> 00:05:43,109 MICHAEL COHEN. IN A RECENT DEPOSITION, COHEN 82 00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:47,113 REVEALED THAT, WHILE ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, ONE OF HIS 83 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:51,684 BOSS'S GREATEST ANXIETIES WAS GETTING PIED IN THE FACE. 84 00:05:51,751 --> 00:05:56,622 I ASSUME, LIKE, A BANANA CREAM PIE, BECAUSE HE CLEARLY WAS 85 00:05:56,689 --> 00:05:59,692 ALREADY USING A PUMPKIN MEAT BRONZER. 86 00:05:59,759 --> 00:06:02,895 COHEN CLAIMS IN HIS-- IS IT A DEPOSITION? 87 00:06:02,962 --> 00:06:09,435 IT'S IN A DEPOSITION. IN HIS DEPOSITION, 88 00:06:09,502 --> 00:06:11,104 COHEN CLAIMS THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT DEVELOPED THE FEAR 89 00:06:11,170 --> 00:06:14,574 AFTER BECOMING OBSESSED OVER THE WAY BILL GATES ONCE GOT 90 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:18,511 ATTACKED WITH A PIE TO THE FACE. MAN, EPSTEIN'S PLANE WAS CRAZY. 91 00:06:18,578 --> 00:06:21,681 ( LAUGHTER ) COHEN, THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S 92 00:06:21,748 --> 00:06:26,085 FEAR WAS CONSTANT: "IT WASN'T JUST ONE TIME. 93 00:06:26,152 --> 00:06:27,687 IT WAS AN ONGOING AND REGULAR THING. 94 00:06:27,754 --> 00:06:30,957 AS HE WOULD GO OUT TO VARIOUS DIFFERENT OPEN VENUES, HE NEVER 95 00:06:31,023 --> 00:06:35,094 WOULD TURN AROUND AND SAY, "IF ANYONE THROWS A ROCK OR A 96 00:06:35,161 --> 00:06:37,997 BOTTLE... IT'S ALWAYS A PIE. 97 00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:39,098 HE ALWAYS BROUGHT UP THAT PIE THING." 98 00:06:39,165 --> 00:06:43,102 EVIDENTLY, ALL OF THIS MAN'S FEARS ARE FROM CARTOONS 99 00:06:43,169 --> 00:06:48,474 ( LAUGHTER ) BANNED HUGE MALLETS, PIANOS 100 00:06:48,541 --> 00:06:51,944 FALLING FROM THE SKY AND GIANT ANVILS THAT SAY "ACME" ON THE 101 00:06:52,011 --> 00:07:02,955 SIDE. THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS SO 102 00:07:03,022 --> 00:07:05,658 AFRAID OF BEING PIED, HE REPORTEDLY INSTRUCTED HIS 103 00:07:05,725 --> 00:07:09,729 SECURITY TO SEVERELY BEAT UP ANYONE WHO TRIED TO GET HIM. 104 00:07:09,796 --> 00:07:12,431 OF COURSE, HE WOULD'VE FOUGHT OFF ANY PASTRY ATTACKERS 105 00:07:12,498 --> 00:07:15,535 HIMSELF, IF IT WEREN'T FOR HIS SCONE SPURS. 106 00:07:15,601 --> 00:07:16,636 ( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU. 107 00:07:16,702 --> 00:07:21,641 THANK YOU. THANK YOU, JOE. 108 00:07:21,707 --> 00:07:31,117 THANK YOU, MY FRIEND. ON THE INTERNATIONAL FRONT 109 00:07:31,184 --> 00:07:34,987 THERE'S A HOT NEW VIRUS SWEEPING THE GLOBE, AND I'LL TELL YOU 110 00:07:35,054 --> 00:07:41,260 ABOUT IT IN OUR UNFORTUNATELY RECURRING SEGMENT: 111 00:07:41,327 --> 00:07:44,630 MONKEYPOX." YOU MONKEYPOX! 112 00:07:44,697 --> 00:07:54,740 DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! 113 00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:58,211 >> Stephen: RIGHT NOW-- RIGHT NOW-- 114 00:07:58,277 --> 00:07:59,846 ( APPLAUSE ) SURE, SURE. 115 00:07:59,912 --> 00:08:01,414 RIGHT NOW, MONKEYPOX IS RACING THROUGH EUROPE, HOPEFULLY ON A 116 00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:04,283 LITTLE UNICYCLE. HERE IN AMERICA, THE CASE COUNT 117 00:08:04,350 --> 00:08:07,353 REMAINS PRETTY LOW, BUT THERE ARE CURRENTLY OVER 200 PEOPLE 118 00:08:07,420 --> 00:08:10,556 BEING MONITORED FOR MONKEYPOX IN MASSACHUSETTS. 119 00:08:10,623 --> 00:08:13,559 THEY'RE EXHIBITING SIGNS OF SHRIEKING, REDDENED FACES, AND 120 00:08:13,626 --> 00:08:16,329 VIOLENT BEHAVIOR, SO THEY COULD JUST BE RED SOX FANS. 121 00:08:16,395 --> 00:08:18,898 ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S TOUGH-- 200? 122 00:08:18,965 --> 00:08:24,804 DID I READ THAT RIGHT? 200? 123 00:08:24,871 --> 00:08:27,773 IT'S TOUGH FOR DOCTORS TO BE SURE IF THEY'RE LOOKING AT THE 124 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:31,978 GENUINE MONKEY ARTICLE, BECAUSE THE ILLNESS COULD BE CLINICALLY 125 00:08:32,044 --> 00:08:34,580 CONFUSED WITH A SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED INFECTION, LIKE 126 00:08:34,647 --> 00:08:39,952 SYPHILIS OR HERPES. SO IF YOU'RE EXPERIENCING ANY 127 00:08:40,019 --> 00:08:42,388 SYMPTOMS, PLEASE GO TO YOUR DOCTOR, GET TESTED, AND 128 00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:44,190 HOPEFULLY, GET THE DIAGNOSIS EVERY PATIENT WANTS TO HEAR: 129 00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:47,426 "GOOD NEWS! YOU HAVE SYPHILIS!" 130 00:08:47,493 --> 00:08:55,968 ( LAUGHTER ) ACCORDING TO-- OH! 131 00:08:56,035 --> 00:08:59,972 ACCORDING TO DOCTORS, YOU CAN STAY SAFE AS LONG AS YOU AVOID 132 00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:03,976 CLOSE CONTACT WITH SICK PEOPLE, INCLUDING THOSE WITH SKIN 133 00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:06,178 LESIONS OR GENITAL LESIONS, AS WELL AS CONTACT WITH DEAD OR 134 00:09:06,245 --> 00:09:08,080 LIVE WILD ANIMALS. GREAT. 135 00:09:08,147 --> 00:09:10,549 THERE GOES MY NEW BUSINESS: "DEAD OR LIVE ANIMAL PETTING 136 00:09:10,616 --> 00:09:18,357 ZOO." "HAVE GENITAL LESIONS? 137 00:09:18,424 --> 00:09:22,561 GET IN FREE!" HEALTH OFFICIALS ARE SO 138 00:09:22,628 --> 00:09:26,866 CONCERNED THAT THE U.S. IS IN THE PROCESS OF RELEASING A 139 00:09:26,933 --> 00:09:29,402 MONKEYPOX VACCINE FROM OUR NATIONAL STOCKPILE. 140 00:09:29,468 --> 00:09:35,975 I'M SORRY, ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME WE HAVE A NATIONAL 141 00:09:36,042 --> 00:09:41,480 STOCKPILE OF JUST RANDO VACCINES LYING AROUND? 142 00:09:41,547 --> 00:09:43,983 THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN HANDY AT THE HEIGHT OF BIEBER FEVER! 143 00:09:44,050 --> 00:09:45,952 I STILL HAVE THE YUMMY YUMS. THANKFULLY, THE AMERICAN PUBLIC 144 00:09:46,018 --> 00:09:47,954 KNOWS WHAT TO DO IN CASE OF A VIRAL OUTBREAK: MAKE UP A BUNCH 145 00:09:48,020 --> 00:09:56,395 OF CRAZY NEW CONSPIRACIES. AND THERE IS A DOOZY, COURTESY 146 00:09:56,462 --> 00:09:59,966 OF GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVE MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE, SEEN 147 00:10:00,032 --> 00:10:03,970 HERE HALFWAY THROUGH TRANSFORMING INTO A HOWLER 148 00:10:04,036 --> 00:10:07,573 MONKEY. ( APPLAUSE ) 149 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:10,576 GREENE INTERVIEWED HERSELF ON FACEBOOK TO SPREAD THIS: 150 00:10:10,643 --> 00:10:12,311 >> BILL GATES IS VERY CONCERNED ABOUT MONKEYPOX, BECAUSE THIS IS 151 00:10:12,378 --> 00:10:18,317 SOMETHING, APPARENTLY, HE CAN MAKE A LOT OF MONEY OFF OF AND 152 00:10:18,384 --> 00:10:19,986 HIM AND HIS OTHER BUDDIES. >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT. 153 00:10:20,052 --> 00:10:25,925 AFTER YEARS OF WASTING HIS TIME MAKING BILLIONS ON COMPUTER 154 00:10:25,992 --> 00:10:29,462 SFTWARE, HE'S GETTING INTO THE REAL DO YOU. 155 00:10:29,528 --> 00:10:31,197 JUST LOOK AT HIS NEW FINANCE DIRECTOR. 156 00:10:31,263 --> 00:10:32,198 IT'S LIKE WHAT DEEP THROAT ALWAYS SAID ABOUT WATERGATE: 157 00:10:32,264 --> 00:10:36,669 FOLLOW THE MONKEY. AND IT'S NOT JUST AMERICANS. 158 00:10:36,736 --> 00:10:40,406 ONE PROMINENT CHINESE SOCIAL MEDIA INFLUENCER HAS SPREAD 159 00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:44,677 RUMORS THAT THERE'S A SECRET PLAN BY THE U.S. TO LEAK 160 00:10:44,744 --> 00:10:52,685 BIOENGINEERED MONKEYPOX VIRUS. THAT IS INSANE. 161 00:10:52,752 --> 00:10:54,854 YOU REALLY THINK THE U.S. IS CURRENTLY CAPABLE OF HAVING 162 00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:55,821 PLANS? WE CAN'T EVEN PLAN HAVING ENOUGH 163 00:10:55,888 --> 00:10:58,691 BABY FORMULA! WAIT A MINUTE. 164 00:10:58,758 --> 00:11:00,659 WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT IF WE MILK THE MONKEYS! 165 00:11:00,726 --> 00:11:05,264 MONKEY FORMULA! OH, THERE'S ALSO NEWS ABOUT 166 00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:08,901 SPACE-X FOUNDER AND PHANTOM OF THE OPERA WHO FOUND THE OTHER 167 00:11:08,968 --> 00:11:11,670 HALF OF HIS MASK, ELON MUSK. IT RECENTLY CAME TO LIGHT THAT 168 00:11:11,737 --> 00:11:16,475 MUSK WAS ACCUSED OF SEXUAL MISCONDUCT IN 2016 BY A FLIGHT 169 00:11:16,542 --> 00:11:20,446 ATTENDANT ON ONE OF HIS PRIVATE JETS. 170 00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:23,249 THE WOMAN ALLEGED SHE WAS GIVING HIM A MASSAGE WHEN HE 171 00:11:23,315 --> 00:11:28,654 SHOWED HER HIS ERECT PENIS, ASKED HER TO PERFORM A SEX ACT, 172 00:11:28,721 --> 00:11:32,224 AND OFFERED TO BUY HER A HORSE. TO WHICH SHE REPLIED "NAY. 173 00:11:32,291 --> 00:11:44,670 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERING ) 174 00:11:44,737 --> 00:11:52,645 NOW, MUSK HAS DENIED THE ALLEGATIONS, TWEETING, "ASTUTE 175 00:11:52,711 --> 00:11:54,613 OBSERVERS OF MY PLANE--- AND THERE ARE MANY-- WILL NOTE THAT 176 00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:57,183 I DON'T USE A FLIGHT ATTENDANT. MOREOVER, ONLY FRUIT AND NUTS 177 00:11:57,249 --> 00:12:00,686 ARE STOCKED ON THE PLANE." THAT'S THE PROBLEM, ELON! 178 00:12:00,753 --> 00:12:02,488 PUT AWAY YOUR NUTS! ( LAUGHTER ) 179 00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:09,662 SO MUSK IS CLEAR: THIS WHOLE THING NEVER HAPPENED. 180 00:12:09,728 --> 00:12:12,531 WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY HE PAID THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT A $250,000 181 00:12:12,598 --> 00:12:16,669 SETTLEMENT. SOUNDS SUSPICIOUS, BUT HE DID 182 00:12:16,735 --> 00:12:22,074 CLEARLY WRITE ON THE CHECK MEMO LINE, "NOT HUSH MONEY. 183 00:12:22,141 --> 00:12:25,511 P.S.: LET ME KNOW ABOUT THAT HORSE." 184 00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:26,612 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 185 00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:28,013 MY GUEST IS PRIME MINISTER JACINDA ARDERN. 186 00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:31,117 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"! 187 00:12:31,183 --> 00:12:31,750 JOIN US. ♪ ♪ ♪ 188 00:12:51,637 --> 00:12:54,073 ( APPLAUSE ) IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR 189 00:12:54,140 --> 00:13:05,317 ♪ IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 190 00:13:05,384 --> 00:13:14,760 BAND, EVERYBODY! GOTTA LOVE A LITTLE SLY STONE. 191 00:13:14,827 --> 00:13:17,296 GOT A LITTLE FAMILY AFFAIR. >> IT'S A FAMILY. 192 00:13:17,363 --> 00:13:21,634 >> Stephen: LOUIS, LOUIS, WE ARE SO LUCKY TONIGHT. 193 00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:23,836 THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF SHOW I WANT TO BE DOING. 194 00:13:23,903 --> 00:13:26,038 >> YES. >> Stephen: WE HAVE ALL KINDS 195 00:13:26,105 --> 00:13:30,743 OF WONDERFUL GUESTS, STARS, AUTHORS, SCIENTISTS, 196 00:13:30,809 --> 00:13:33,445 INTELLECTUALS, AMAZING. BUT TONIGHT, WE HAVE SOMETHING 197 00:13:33,512 --> 00:13:36,115 TRULY RARE. WE HAVE THE PRIME MINISTER OF 198 00:13:36,182 --> 00:13:40,119 NEW ZEALAND HERE TONIGHT, JACINDA ARDERN. 199 00:13:40,186 --> 00:13:44,390 AND, ALSO, I'M HAPPY TO SAY, I'M HAPPY AND PROUD TO SAY THAT THIS 200 00:13:44,456 --> 00:13:46,292 IS THE KIND OF SHOW WHERE THIS IS NOT HER FIRST TRIP TO THIS 201 00:13:46,358 --> 00:13:47,960 SHOW. WE HAVE HAD HER ON BEFORE. 202 00:13:48,027 --> 00:13:51,163 AND NOT ONLY THAT, PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER THAT, WHEN I WENT 203 00:13:51,230 --> 00:13:54,633 DOWN TO NEW ZEALAND, SHE WAS MY UBER DRIVER. 204 00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:56,135 SHE PICKED ME UP FROM THE AIRPORT. 205 00:13:56,202 --> 00:13:57,336 >> IS THAT TRUE. >> Stephen: THAT IS TRUE. 206 00:13:57,403 --> 00:14:00,873 AND THE CRAZY PART IS WE'RE DRIVING THROUGH AUCKLAND FOR A 207 00:14:00,940 --> 00:14:04,577 HOUSE, WHICH IS NICE, BUT IT'S JUST A HOUSE IN AUCKLAND. 208 00:14:04,643 --> 00:14:08,013 WE'RE DRIVING TO THE HER HOUSE, AND PEOPLE AREN'T GOING, "IT'S 209 00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:11,650 THE PRIME MINISTER!" THEY'RE GOING, "HEY, JHA." 210 00:14:11,717 --> 00:14:15,154 IT'S A LOVELY PLACE. VERY NICE PEOPLE, TOO. 211 00:14:15,221 --> 00:14:17,189 HAVE YOU BEEN? >> NO. 212 00:14:17,256 --> 00:14:19,225 >> Stephen: EVERYBODY HAS TO GO TO NEW ZEALAND. 213 00:14:19,291 --> 00:14:22,261 THEY'RE OPEN FOR BUSINESS AGAIN. NEW ZEALAND, THEY'VE BEEN 214 00:14:22,328 --> 00:14:23,796 CLOSED. THEY CLOSED THE WHOLE PLACE DOWN 215 00:14:23,862 --> 00:14:28,567 FOR COVID IN A VERY SERIOUS WAY, AS WE ALL SAW, THEY TOOK IT VERY 216 00:14:28,634 --> 00:14:30,135 SERIOUSLY. BUT NOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 217 00:14:30,202 --> 00:14:31,470 TWO YEARS, THEY'RE OPEN. EVERYBODY GO DOWN. 218 00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:33,706 YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO REGRET IT. IT'S ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL 219 00:14:33,772 --> 00:14:36,475 PLACES ON THE PLANET. THEY DESERVE IT. 220 00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:40,913 THEY DESERVE IT, IS WHAT THEY DO. 221 00:14:40,980 --> 00:14:42,248 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, YOU KNOW I 222 00:14:42,314 --> 00:14:45,718 SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, METICULOUSLY SIFTING 223 00:14:45,784 --> 00:14:48,787 THROUGH THE DAILY NEWS DESERT, HARVESTING THE FINEST, 224 00:14:48,854 --> 00:14:53,125 MOST TOPICAL MINERAL SANDS-- ABOUT 65% SILICA, A 10% FLUX 225 00:14:53,192 --> 00:14:57,129 OF SODIUM OXIDE, AND A STABILIZER OF CALCIUM OXIDE-- 226 00:14:57,196 --> 00:15:01,066 WHICH I THEN SMELT IN A HIGH-TEMPERATURE CALCERA FURNACE 227 00:15:01,133 --> 00:15:03,736 AT 1,200 TO 1,400 DEGREES CELSIUS, FUSING THEM INTO LIQUID 228 00:15:03,802 --> 00:15:07,873 GLASS, THEN CAREFULLY DROPPING MY FURNACE TEMPERATURE SO I CAN 229 00:15:07,940 --> 00:15:09,742 FOLD IN HAND-SELECTED CULLET AND COBALT TO OBTAIN MY INTENDED 230 00:15:09,808 --> 00:15:13,512 COLOR AND CREATE THE MOST PRISMATIC NEWS CRYSTALS, WHICH 231 00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:17,149 I THEN DELICATELY HANG ON A HAND-CRAFTED BALUSTER OF 232 00:15:17,216 --> 00:15:21,220 HEADLINES, ARRANGING THEM TO CATCH AND REFRACT, IN A GENTLE 233 00:15:21,287 --> 00:15:24,623 DANCE OF LIGHT AND SHADOW, THE MOST TOPICAL REFLECTIONS OF THE 234 00:15:24,690 --> 00:15:27,426 DAY, ADORNING THE ARRANGEMENT WITH ONE FINAL FINIAL OF QUIPS 235 00:15:27,493 --> 00:15:33,132 TO PRESENT TO YOU THE VENETIAN MURANO GLASS CHANDELIER THAT IS 236 00:15:33,198 --> 00:15:41,140 MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES FOLKS, SOMETOMES, 237 00:15:41,206 --> 00:15:51,483 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NAKED IN THE BACK BOOTH OF A 238 00:15:51,550 --> 00:15:53,118 LONG-ABANDONED COUNTY FAIR, I PULL ON SOME OVERALLS I STOLE 239 00:15:53,185 --> 00:15:54,920 OFF A SCARECROW, AND CLAW THROUGH THE GROUNDS SCRAPING THE 240 00:15:54,987 --> 00:15:56,955 LEAVINGS OFF SOME DISUSED SPARKLERS, PICK THROUGH BROKEN 241 00:15:57,022 --> 00:15:59,358 COKE BOTTLES AND BIRTHDAY CANDLES, BOIL OFF THE REMNANTS 242 00:15:59,425 --> 00:16:01,126 IN A DISCARDED TUB OF LAUNDRY DETERGENT TO EXTRACT THE 243 00:16:01,193 --> 00:16:04,396 BENZENE. THEN, USING THE SHOELACES I TOOK 244 00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:09,201 OFF A HOBO SLEEPING UNDER THE FERRIS WHEEL AND DENTAL 245 00:16:09,268 --> 00:16:12,304 FLOSS CURRENTLY IN USE BY SAID HOBO, I BIND THE CONGLOMERATE 246 00:16:12,371 --> 00:16:16,041 OF SHARDS AND ACCELERANT TOGETHER AND HOLD IT NEAR THE 247 00:16:16,108 --> 00:16:20,045 SPUTTERING SPARK PLUG OF AN OLD ICE CREAM TRUCK TO IGNITE 248 00:16:20,112 --> 00:16:25,784 THE CHAOTIC CANDELABRA OF FLAMING NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: 249 00:16:25,851 --> 00:16:27,853 "MEANWHILE"! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 250 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:40,399 ALWAYS WATER IN THE WELL. IT'S LIKE COMING HOME. 251 00:16:40,466 --> 00:16:44,403 MEANWHILE, A 5-YEAR-OLD TEE BALL PLAYER NAMED BEN SADLOWSKI IS 252 00:16:44,470 --> 00:16:47,272 GOING VIRAL TODAY FOR HIS ELABORATE AT-BAT WALK-UP DANCE. 253 00:16:47,339 --> 00:16:50,309 TAKE A LOOK. 254 00:16:50,943 --> 00:17:05,824 ♪ ♪ ♪ 255 00:17:05,891 --> 00:17:07,092 ♪ ♪ ♪ 256 00:17:26,945 --> 00:17:30,582 I HAVEN'T SEEN SUCH AN ELABORATE WALK-UP DANCING SINCE DEREK 257 00:17:30,649 --> 00:17:35,254 JETER HIT A DOUBLE AFTER PERFORMING "SWAN LAKE." 258 00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:38,590 ( LAUGHTER ) ANYWAY, GOOD FOR YOU. 259 00:17:38,657 --> 00:17:45,164 THAT WAS ALL A LOT OF SUPER FUN TO WATCH, BUT THIS IS BASEBALL, 260 00:17:45,230 --> 00:17:50,869 AND I'M AFRAID DANCING DOESN'T HELP-- OH! 261 00:17:50,936 --> 00:17:53,472 GOOD-BYE, MR. SPALDING! GOOD FOR YOU, BEN. 262 00:17:53,539 --> 00:17:58,877 ( APPLAUSE ) ITS LAST STANDING PUBLIC PAY 263 00:17:58,944 --> 00:18:03,248 PHONES YESTERDAY. THIS IS THE END OF AN ERA. 264 00:18:03,315 --> 00:18:06,852 NOW WHERE WILL NEW YORKERS PEE? 265 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:10,889 ( LAUGHTER ) PLANT IS NOW AT RISK OF 266 00:18:10,956 --> 00:18:14,092 EXTINCTION IN CAMBODIA BECAUSE PEOPLE KEEP PLUCKING IT OUT OF 267 00:18:14,159 --> 00:18:17,062 THE GROUND TO TAKE SELFIES WITH IT. 268 00:18:17,129 --> 00:18:18,864 OH, PLEASE. GET YOUR MINDS OUT OF THE 269 00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:22,901 GUTTER, PEOPLE. HOW PHALLIC-LOOKING COULD THIS 270 00:18:22,968 --> 00:18:26,672 THING POSSIBLY-- OH, MY! 271 00:18:26,738 --> 00:18:29,374 OH! OH, GOODNESS! 272 00:18:29,441 --> 00:18:34,646 OH, LORDY! IS THAT A FLOWER, OR IS THE 273 00:18:34,713 --> 00:18:35,914 JUNGLE JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME? ( LAUGHTER ) 274 00:18:35,981 --> 00:18:41,453 NOW, HERE'S THE THING, HERE'S THE THING THAT PEOPLE HERE DON'T 275 00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:46,358 KNOW: YOU AT HOME ARE GETTING A 276 00:18:46,425 --> 00:18:50,863 SLIGHTLY BLURRED VERSION OF THIS BECAUSE-- MY LORD. 277 00:18:50,929 --> 00:18:58,937 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO 278 00:18:59,004 --> 00:19:01,840 UNBELIEVABLY DONG-ISH THAT THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK-- AND 279 00:19:01,907 --> 00:19:07,546 THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE-- MADE US BLUR A PLANT. 280 00:19:07,613 --> 00:19:15,454 SO USE YOUR IMAGINATION AT HOME. OR GOOGLE "WHAT A PENIS LOOKS 281 00:19:15,521 --> 00:19:18,857 LIKE," AND IT'S EXACTLY THIS PHOTO. 282 00:19:18,924 --> 00:19:20,826 THIS PLANT IS CALLED NEPENTHES MIRABILIS, AND IT'S IN DANGER OF 283 00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:23,462 GOING EXTINCT BECAUSE EVERYONE IS COLLECTING THEM AFTER A VIDEO 284 00:19:23,529 --> 00:19:26,865 OF SOME WOMEN PICKING THE PENIS PLANT WENT VIRAL ON SOCIAL 285 00:19:26,932 --> 00:19:30,869 MEDIA. I DUNNO. 286 00:19:30,936 --> 00:19:35,474 THE PLANTS SEEM PRETTY INTO IT. ( LAUGHTER ) 287 00:19:35,541 --> 00:19:41,480 A CHRISTIAN INFLUENCER WARNED THAT THE YOGA BARBIE DOLL 288 00:19:41,547 --> 00:19:46,852 SPREADS SATANISM. I CAN BELIEVE THAT. 289 00:19:46,919 --> 00:19:49,888 WHENEVER SOMEONE SUGGESTS I DO YOGA, I TELL THEM TO GO TO HELL 290 00:19:49,955 --> 00:19:58,864 ( LAUGHTER ) THE INFLUENCER, YASMEEN SURI, A 291 00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:02,868 CONSERVATIVE CHRISTIAN, RECENTLY WENT ON A RANT, 292 00:20:02,935 --> 00:20:05,470 CLAIMING THAT "BREATHE WITH ME" BARBIE COULD LEAD TO CHILDREN 293 00:20:05,537 --> 00:20:08,707 BECOMING POSSESSED BY DEMONS. ESPECIALLY WHEN "BREATHE WITH 294 00:20:08,774 --> 00:20:13,378 ME" BARBIE IS PAIRED WITH "GOAT SACRIFICE" KEN. 295 00:20:13,445 --> 00:20:20,319 ( LAUGHTER ) HE'S-- HE'S ASKING SATAN FOR ANY 296 00:20:20,385 --> 00:20:24,957 GENITALIA AT ALL. MEANWHILE, IN ANIMAL NEWS, 297 00:20:25,023 --> 00:20:26,925 MARINE BIOLOGISTS HAVE DISCOVERED THAT DOLPHINS 298 00:20:26,992 --> 00:20:29,461 RECOGNIZE EACH OTHER BY TASTING ONE ANOTHER'S URINE. 299 00:20:29,528 --> 00:20:34,866 YECH. ALSO, WHAT ARE DOLPHIN HIGH 300 00:20:34,933 --> 00:20:45,444 SCHOOL REUNIONS LIKE? "OH, MY GOODNESS, DAN NOONAN? 301 00:20:45,510 --> 00:20:46,645 IT'S DAN NOONAN! IT IS HIM. 302 00:20:46,712 --> 00:20:49,848 GIVE HER A TASTE, SEE? IT'S DAN! 303 00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:53,218 HE LOOKS GREAT! I DON'T KNOW. 304 00:20:53,285 --> 00:20:58,857 I DON'T KNOW. ( LAUGHTER ) 305 00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:05,530 SAYING "OMG, WTF" TODAY, BECAUSE WE LEARNED THAT THE J.M. SMUCKER 306 00:21:05,597 --> 00:21:09,868 COMPANY HAS RECALLED SEVERAL JIF PEANUT BUTTER PRODUCTS BECAUSE 307 00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:11,103 THEY MAY CONTAIN SALMONELLA. THE RISK IS ESPECIALLY HIGH IN 308 00:21:11,169 --> 00:21:15,273 JARS OF JIF CHUNKY RAW CHICKEN. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PRIME 309 00:21:15,340 --> 00:21:17,909 MINISTER JACINDA ARDERN. ♪ ♪ ♪ 310 00:21:23,749 --> 00:21:34,926 ( APPLAUSE ) IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR. 311 00:21:34,993 --> 00:21:36,862 >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. 312 00:21:36,928 --> 00:21:44,603 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A DEDICATED 313 00:21:44,670 --> 00:21:48,340 PUBLIC SERVANT FOR THE PEOPLE OF NEW ZEALAND, AND A RELIABLE RIDE 314 00:21:48,407 --> 00:21:50,275 FROM THE AIRPORT. PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE 315 00:21:50,342 --> 00:21:53,612 SHOW," PRIME MINISTER JACINDA ARDERN! 316 00:21:53,679 --> 00:22:08,560 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 317 00:22:08,627 --> 00:22:15,934 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 318 00:22:16,001 --> 00:22:17,135 >> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 319 00:22:17,202 --> 00:22:19,604 >> IT'S SO NICE TO SEE YOU. >> Stephen: WHEN I WAS IN NEW 320 00:22:19,671 --> 00:22:22,974 ZEALAND IN 2019, IT WAS ONLY A FEW MONTHS AFTER THE TERRIBLE 321 00:22:23,041 --> 00:22:27,412 GUN VIOLENCE IN CHRISTCHURCH. AND IMMEDIATELY THEREAFTER, THE 322 00:22:27,479 --> 00:22:37,923 NEW ZEALAND PARLIAMENT TOOK ACTION TO REMOVE GUNS FROM THE 323 00:22:37,989 --> 00:22:39,524 STREETS. AND HERE IN THE UNITED STATES, 324 00:22:39,591 --> 00:22:48,033 WE HAVE THE KIND OF GUN VIOLENCE WE SAU SAW SAUTEED FAR TOO OFTE. 325 00:22:48,100 --> 00:22:52,671 AND I'M WONDERING IF YOU HAVE-- IF YOU COULD EXPLAIN TO US HOW 326 00:22:52,738 --> 00:22:54,106 YOU DID IT. WHY NEW ZEALAND WAS ABLE TO DO 327 00:22:54,172 --> 00:22:57,709 THAT WHEN WE CAN'T PASS SO MUCH AS UNIVERSAL BACKGROUND CHECKS 328 00:22:57,776 --> 00:23:01,747 FOR PEOPLE WITH A HISTORY OF MENTAL ILLNESS, OR VIOLENT 329 00:23:01,813 --> 00:23:05,884 BEHAVIOR, EVEN THOUGH 91% OF AMERICANS APPROVE OF THAT, WANT 330 00:23:05,951 --> 00:23:08,386 THAT, ON BOTH SIDES OF THE AISLE. 331 00:23:08,453 --> 00:23:11,389 HOW DID YOU GET THAT DONE? OR HOW DID YOU NEW ZEALANDERS 332 00:23:11,456 --> 00:23:13,925 GET THAT DONE BECAUSE I KNOW IT WAS GENERAL CONSENSUS. 333 00:23:13,992 --> 00:23:18,864 .>> I CAN ONLY SPEAK TO OUR GENERAL EXPERIENCE IN NEW 334 00:23:18,930 --> 00:23:22,701 ZEALAND, AND WHEN I WATCH FROM AFFAIR AND SEE LIKE TODAY, I SEE 335 00:23:22,768 --> 00:23:26,171 THEM NOT AS A POLITICIAN BUT AS A MOTHER, AND I'M SO SORRY FOR 336 00:23:26,238 --> 00:23:28,540 WHAT HAS HAPPENED HERE. AND THEN I THINK ABOUT WHAT 337 00:23:28,607 --> 00:23:32,844 HAPPENED TO US, AND ALL I CAN REFLECT IS WE ARE A VERY 338 00:23:32,911 --> 00:23:35,213 PRAGMATIC PEOPLE. WHEN WE SAW SOMETHING LIKE THAT 339 00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:37,916 HAPPEN, EVERYONE SAID NEVER AGAIN. 340 00:23:37,983 --> 00:23:41,219 SO THEN IT WAS INCUMBENT ON US AS POLITICIANS TO RESPOND TO 341 00:23:41,286 --> 00:23:43,421 THAT. NOW, WE HAVE LNL NEEDS FOR GUNS 342 00:23:43,488 --> 00:23:47,859 IN OUR COUNTRY FOR THINGS LIKE PEACE CONTROL AND TO PROTECT OUR 343 00:23:47,926 --> 00:23:50,829 BIODIVERSITY. BUT YOU DON'T NEED A 344 00:23:50,896 --> 00:23:52,230 MILITARY-STYLE SEMIAUTOMATIC WEAPON TO DO THAT. 345 00:23:52,297 --> 00:24:00,405 AND SO WE GOT RID OF THEM. ( APPLAUSE ) 346 00:24:00,472 --> 00:24:07,813 WHAT ARE THE RESULTS OF THAT? HAS THERE-- DOES IT FEEL LIKE A 347 00:24:07,879 --> 00:24:09,447 LESS-FREE COUNTRY TO ANYONE DOWN THERE? 348 00:24:09,514 --> 00:24:13,218 HAS THERE BEEN ANY SORT OF BACKLASH FOR THIS HAVING 349 00:24:13,285 --> 00:24:16,721 HAPPENED? >> SO WE HAD A BUY-BACK SCHEME. 350 00:24:16,788 --> 00:24:19,958 PEOPLE WHO HAD LEGITIMATELY AND LEGALLY GONE OUT AND PURCHASED 351 00:24:20,025 --> 00:24:23,328 THESE WEAPONS AND WE CHANGED THE LAWS, SO IN FAIRNESS WE SAID WE 352 00:24:23,395 --> 00:24:26,364 WILL BUY THEM BACK AND WE WILL DESTROY THEM. 353 00:24:26,431 --> 00:24:29,134 THAT IS WHAT WE DID. NOW, WE STILL HAVE WORK TO DO. 354 00:24:29,201 --> 00:24:32,070 THERE ARE STILL, OBVIOUSLY, GUNS THAT ARE MISUSED IN NEW ZEALAND, 355 00:24:32,137 --> 00:24:38,543 SO I WON'T SIT HERE AND SAY THAT OUR SYSTEM IS PERFECT. 356 00:24:38,610 --> 00:24:42,280 BUT WE-- WE SAW SOMETHING THAT WASN'T RIGHT, AND WE ACTED ON 357 00:24:42,347 --> 00:24:45,016 IT. AND I CAN ONLY SPEAK TO THAT 358 00:24:45,083 --> 00:24:46,985 EXPERIENCE. >> Stephen: WELL, ONE OF THE 359 00:24:47,052 --> 00:24:53,325 OTHER THINGS, BESIDES THAT HOPEFUL EXAMPLE, ANOTHER HOPEFUL 360 00:24:53,391 --> 00:24:56,428 EXAMPLE WAS HOW NEW ZEALAND RESPONDED TO COVID. 361 00:24:56,494 --> 00:24:58,563 AND I WANT TO GET TO THAT IN JUST A MOMENT. 362 00:24:58,630 --> 00:25:00,832 BUT YOU, YOURSELF, JUST RECOVERED. 363 00:25:00,899 --> 00:25:04,603 >> I DID. I THINK WE ACTUALLY HAD 364 00:25:04,669 --> 00:25:05,737 SIMULTANEOUS INFECTIONS. >> Stephen: REALLY? 365 00:25:05,804 --> 00:25:09,307 BECAUSE I STARTED APRIL 21. WHEN WAS YOURS GENERALLY? 366 00:25:09,374 --> 00:25:13,345 >> I GOT COVID FOR MOTHER'S DAY. >> Stephen: OH, OKAY. 367 00:25:13,411 --> 00:25:15,413 >> YEAH, THAT WAS CLARK'S GIFT TO ME. 368 00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:18,850 >> Stephen: HE HAD IT FIRST? >> YEAH, HE-- HE TESTED POSITIVE 369 00:25:18,917 --> 00:25:23,255 ON MOTHER'S DAY. AND I SUBSEQUENTLY TESTED 370 00:25:23,321 --> 00:25:24,189 POSITIVE. >> Stephen: THANKS, HONEY, 371 00:25:24,256 --> 00:25:27,592 THERE YOU GO. >> I DON'T RECOMMEND IT AS A 372 00:25:27,659 --> 00:25:29,327 GIFT, BY THE WAY. >> Stephen: YOUR DAUGHTER MADE 373 00:25:29,394 --> 00:25:33,265 YOU A MOTHER'S DAY CARD, A DICTATED TO CLARK, RIGHT? 374 00:25:33,331 --> 00:25:36,601 >> THAT IS A DICTATED CARD. THAT IS NOT HER OWN WORK. 375 00:25:36,668 --> 00:25:41,339 >> Stephen: MAY I SHOW THIS? IT SAYS HERE, "MOM, YAY, IT IS 376 00:25:41,406 --> 00:25:43,909 MOTHER'S DAY. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY. 377 00:25:43,975 --> 00:25:51,016 I LOVE FISHY KISSES. I LOVE YOU LIKE HOT LAVA. 378 00:25:51,082 --> 00:25:51,950 LOVE. THAT IS ABSOLUTELY LOVELY. 379 00:25:52,017 --> 00:25:55,186 I DON'T UNDERSTAND-- WHAT IS FISHY KISSES? 380 00:25:55,253 --> 00:25:59,057 IS THAT WHEN YOU KISS SOMEONE WITH A MOUTH FULL OF SUSHI? 381 00:25:59,124 --> 00:26:04,896 >> IT'S LIKE REPLICATING THAT ON TELEVISION WOULD WOULD BE A 382 00:26:04,963 --> 00:26:07,432 CAREER-DEFINING MOMENT IN A BAD WAY. 383 00:26:07,499 --> 00:26:11,069 SO -- >> Stephen: POSSIBLY NOT DIG 384 00:26:11,136 --> 00:26:12,904 DIGNIFIED, NOT FIG NIGHED ENOUGH. 385 00:26:12,971 --> 00:26:14,806 >> PERHAPS IF I COULD DEMONSTRATE. 386 00:26:14,873 --> 00:26:20,412 IF YOU PURSE YOUR LIPS AND VERY QUICKLY MAKE QUICK KISSY-- THERE 387 00:26:20,478 --> 00:26:21,713 WE GO. THANK YOU. 388 00:26:21,780 --> 00:26:24,182 IT'S A FISHY KISS. >> Stephen: YES. 389 00:26:24,249 --> 00:26:28,653 TIME FOR SMOOCHYS, I BELIEVE WE CALL THAT. 390 00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:30,689 TIME FOR SMOOCHYS. >> AND EVER SINCE SHE WAS A 391 00:26:30,755 --> 00:26:33,892 BABY, IT'S MADE HER GIGGLE. >> Stephen: THAT'S LOVELY. 392 00:26:33,959 --> 00:26:39,798 SO LET'S TALK ABOUT WHAT WE'RE HERE TO CELEBRATE IS THAT NEW 393 00:26:39,864 --> 00:26:43,268 ZEALAND HAS OPENED AGAIN TO OUTSIDERS LIKE US. 394 00:26:43,335 --> 00:26:46,504 HOW-- "A," WHEN DOES THIS START? AND HOW WAS THIS DECISION MADE 395 00:26:46,571 --> 00:26:49,908 IN A RESPONSIBLE WAY? >> IT IS-- IT HAS STARTED. 396 00:26:49,975 --> 00:26:53,912 >> Stephen: IT CAN HAPPEN NOW. I CAN LEAVE RIGHT NOW, GO TO 397 00:26:53,979 --> 00:26:58,116 J.F.K., AND FLY TO AUCKLAND. >> YOU COULD FLY TO AUCKLAND AND 398 00:26:58,183 --> 00:27:00,285 YOU COULD BE SO WELCOME. DO YOU NEED A MINUTE FOR ME TO 399 00:27:00,352 --> 00:27:03,121 GET BACK THERE AND PICK YOU UP. I KNOW THAT'S PART OF YOUR RIDE? 400 00:27:03,188 --> 00:27:09,794 >> Stephen: YOU RUINED ME. >> WE ARE OPENING, AND WELCOMING 401 00:27:09,861 --> 00:27:13,064 GUESTS TO NEW ZEALAND IS SO MUCH A PART OF WHO WE ARE. 402 00:27:13,131 --> 00:27:15,700 HOSPITALITY IS PART OF OUR IDENTITY. 403 00:27:15,767 --> 00:27:18,169 SO, PLEASE, COME BACK AND MAKE US WHOLE AGAIN. 404 00:27:18,236 --> 00:27:22,374 YOU WOULD BE SO WELCOME. >> Stephen: I WOULD WOULD, I 405 00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:25,677 TELL PEOPLE BEFORE, ABSOLUTELY SHOULD GO. 406 00:27:25,744 --> 00:27:30,582 ( APPLAUSE ) RESPONDED TO COVID, AS I SAID, 407 00:27:30,648 --> 00:27:36,421 WAS INSPIRATIONAL TO THOSE OF US WATCHING FROM THE OUTSIDE. 408 00:27:36,488 --> 00:27:41,292 95% OF KI KIWIS ARE VACCINATED . >> YES, OF THE ELIGIBLE 409 00:27:41,359 --> 00:27:42,594 POPULATION. >> Stephen: WELL DONE, WELL 410 00:27:42,660 --> 00:27:48,500 DONE. ( APPLAUSE ) 411 00:27:48,566 --> 00:27:56,441 TRAGEDY, 1,000 NEW ZEALANDERS DIED IN A POPULATION OF FIVE 412 00:27:56,508 --> 00:27:58,343 MILLION. THAT WOULD BE LIKE THE UNITED 413 00:27:58,410 --> 00:28:01,913 STATES LOSING 65,000 PEOPLE INSTEAD OF ONE MILLION PEOPLE. 414 00:28:01,980 --> 00:28:06,084 AND I'M CURIOUS, WHAT ACTUALLY LED TO THAT MINDSET? 415 00:28:06,151 --> 00:28:09,320 WHY DO YOU THINK YOU HAD SUCCESS IN THAT REGARD? 416 00:28:09,387 --> 00:28:13,658 >> NEW ZEALAND HAS-- HAS HAD SEVERAL ADVANTAGES WHEN IT CAME 417 00:28:13,725 --> 00:28:17,896 TO THE PANDEMIC, AND ONE OF THEM WAS WE HAD A LAG TIME SO WE WERE 418 00:28:17,962 --> 00:28:19,964 ABLE TO SEE WHAT IT WAS DOING TO THE REST OF THE WORLD. 419 00:28:20,031 --> 00:28:21,699 >> Stephen: I SEE. THAT MAKES SENSE. 420 00:28:21,766 --> 00:28:25,904 >> IT WASN'T A LARGE LAG TIME. WE STILL HAD TO MAKE VERY QUICK 421 00:28:25,970 --> 00:28:28,940 DECISIONS. BUT OUR VIEW WAS WHILE WE CANNOT 422 00:28:29,007 --> 00:28:31,676 HAVE A VACCINE AND THE ONLY WAY TO PROTECT OURSELVES AND ONE 423 00:28:31,743 --> 00:28:37,916 ANOTHER WAS TO USE LOCKDOWNS, WE DECIDED THAT WE WOULD TRY AND 424 00:28:37,982 --> 00:28:39,784 ELIMINATE, JUST GET RID OF COVID. 425 00:28:39,851 --> 00:28:43,455 SO THAT'S WHAT WE DID. >> Stephen: SO WHEN YOU CLOSED 426 00:28:43,521 --> 00:28:48,193 THE BORDERS, HOW LONG ALL TOGETHER WERE THEY CLOSED TO US? 427 00:28:48,259 --> 00:28:51,062 >> WE BRIEFLY-- FOR THE ENTIRETY OF THE PANDEMIC. 428 00:28:51,129 --> 00:28:52,130 >> Stephen: TWO AND A HALF YEARS. 429 00:28:52,197 --> 00:28:55,300 >> WE HAD A BRIEF PERIOD. PEOPLE COULD COME AND GO. 430 00:28:55,366 --> 00:28:57,836 NEW ZEALANDERS COULD COME AND GO AND USE QUARANTINE. 431 00:28:57,902 --> 00:29:00,171 WE HAD A BRIEF OPENING WITH AUSTRALIA. 432 00:29:00,238 --> 00:29:04,042 BUT, OTHERWISE, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THAT WE ARE 433 00:29:04,109 --> 00:29:05,844 WELCOMINGESH BACK. >> Stephen: SO YOU BRIEFLY 434 00:29:05,910 --> 00:29:08,313 OPENED AND HAD TO CLOSE AGAIN, RIGHT? 435 00:29:08,379 --> 00:29:09,814 >> WE DID. WE DID. 436 00:29:09,881 --> 00:29:11,649 IT GOT A LITTLE COMPLICATED THERE. 437 00:29:11,716 --> 00:29:13,818 >> Stephen: SURE. >> BUT NOW, THIS IS IT. 438 00:29:13,885 --> 00:29:16,454 IT'S OPEN AND EVERYONE'S BACK. >> Stephen: HOW LONG DID YOU 439 00:29:16,521 --> 00:29:19,057 THINK IT WAS GOING TO BE? BECAUSE WHEN YOU MAKE THAT CALL, 440 00:29:19,124 --> 00:29:22,127 THAT'S NOT AN EASY CALL FOR THE NEW ZEALAND GOVERNMENT TO MAKE. 441 00:29:22,193 --> 00:29:24,796 "WE'RE GOING TO ABSOLUTELY SHUT DOWN OUR BORDERS." 442 00:29:24,863 --> 00:29:26,965 HOW LONG DID YOU IMAGINE THAT WAS GOING TO BE? 443 00:29:27,031 --> 00:29:29,033 >> INITIALLY IT WAS COUNTRIES BY COUNTRIES. 444 00:29:29,100 --> 00:29:30,802 THE OUTBREAK WAS SPREADING AROUND THE WORLD. 445 00:29:30,869 --> 00:29:34,506 WE WERE PROGRESSIVELY SAYING IT'S HERE NOW AND WE'LL SHUT OFF 446 00:29:34,572 --> 00:29:37,509 TO THERE AND THERE. AND THEN EVENTUALLY, WE SAID 447 00:29:37,575 --> 00:29:40,478 LOOK WHAT WE'RE SEEING OVERSEAS. WE JUST COULDN'T STAND THE IDEA 448 00:29:40,545 --> 00:29:43,915 OF OUR POPULATION BEING DEVASTATED WHEN WE COULD DO 449 00:29:43,982 --> 00:29:46,851 SOMETHING ABOUT IT. DID WE THINK IT WOULD BE THAT 450 00:29:46,918 --> 00:29:48,019 LONG? ABSOLUTELY NOT. 451 00:29:48,086 --> 00:29:49,921 BUT WE KNEW THE MAGNITUDE. I REMEMBER THAT MEETING AS WE 452 00:29:49,988 --> 00:29:53,591 SAT AROUND AND MADE THOSE DECISIONS. 453 00:29:53,658 --> 00:29:55,026 THEY WERE HUGE. I FELT REALLY EMOTIONAL AFTER 454 00:29:55,093 --> 00:29:57,195 THEM BECAUSE I KNEW THE IMPACT IT WOULD HAVE. 455 00:29:57,262 --> 00:29:59,264 BUT IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. 456 00:29:59,330 --> 00:30:02,567 IT SAVED SO MANY LIVES. >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A 457 00:30:02,634 --> 00:30:04,636 QUICK BREAK. BUT DON'T GO ANYWHERE, WE'LL BE 458 00:30:04,702 --> 00:30:08,039 RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OF NEW ZEALAND PRIME MINISTER JACINDA 459 00:30:08,106 --> 00:30:09,107 ARDERN, EVERYBODY. 460 00:30:24,989 --> 00:30:26,391 ( APPLAUSE ) I JUST GOT TO SHOW THIS REAL 461 00:30:26,457 --> 00:30:28,126 QUICK. IT TURNS OUT, AT THE END OF 462 00:30:28,193 --> 00:30:33,398 EVERY DAY, YOU GET A BIG BRIEFCASE, WHY, YOU COME HOME 463 00:30:33,464 --> 00:30:36,267 WITH THAT. >> IT'S THE WORK I NEED TO DO 464 00:30:36,334 --> 00:30:40,638 OVERNIGHT. >> Stephen: AND YOUR DAUGHTER 465 00:30:40,705 --> 00:30:43,541 NEVE-- >> SHE WAS GETTING JEALOUS. 466 00:30:43,608 --> 00:30:47,011 >> Stephen: THE NEW ZEALAND GOVERNMENT PUT TOGETHER A 467 00:30:47,078 --> 00:30:49,814 BRIEFCASE FOR NEVE TO HAVE AT THE END OF THE DAY, TOO. 468 00:30:49,881 --> 00:30:53,218 ISN'T THAT LOVELY? >> SHE CALLS IT HER "BUSY WORK." 469 00:30:53,284 --> 00:30:56,354 AND IF I COME HOME WITHOUT IT, SHE'S BITTERLY DISAPPOINTED. 470 00:30:56,421 --> 00:31:01,693 BUT WHEN I DO COME HOME WITH IT, SHE GOES, "OH!" 471 00:31:01,759 --> 00:31:03,328 >> Stephen: HER WORK IS NEVER DONE. 472 00:31:03,394 --> 00:31:05,763 >> MORE HOMEWORK. >> Stephen: LET ME ASK YOU 473 00:31:05,830 --> 00:31:07,031 ABOUT PARLIAMENTARY DEMOCRACY HERE. 474 00:31:07,098 --> 00:31:10,034 BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GUYS ARE DOING A PRETTY GOOD JOB. 475 00:31:10,101 --> 00:31:13,838 TELL ME HOW IT WORKS. SO YOU BASICALLY WOULD BE, LIKE, 476 00:31:13,905 --> 00:31:17,875 TELL ME IF I GET THIS WRONG, IT WOULD BE LIKE IF A MEMBER OF OUR 477 00:31:17,942 --> 00:31:21,512 CONGRESS, IF ONE PARTY CONTROLS THE CONGRESS, THE LEADER OF THAT 478 00:31:21,579 --> 00:31:23,615 PARTY ENDS UP BEING THE PRIME MINISTER. 479 00:31:23,681 --> 00:31:26,851 >> CORRECT, CORRECT. >> Stephen: AS IF THE SPEAKER 480 00:31:26,918 --> 00:31:29,754 OF THE HOUSE BECOMES PRESIDENT. >> WHOEVER IS ABLE TO FORM 481 00:31:29,821 --> 00:31:32,457 GOVERNMENT AND THE LEADER OF THAT MAJORITY PARTY OF THAT 482 00:31:32,523 --> 00:31:33,825 MAJOR PARTY BECOMING THE PRIME MINISTER. 483 00:31:33,891 --> 00:31:36,527 >> Stephen: NOW, DO YOU WATCH HOW OUR GOVERNMENT WORKS? 484 00:31:36,594 --> 00:31:38,062 >> YES. >> Stephen: OKAY. 485 00:31:38,129 --> 00:31:40,598 DO YOU HAVE ANY THOUGHTS? DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW OUR 486 00:31:40,665 --> 00:31:44,235 GOVERNMENT WORKS? >> I BELIEVE SO. 487 00:31:44,302 --> 00:31:46,237 ( LAUGHTER ) THAT TO ME? 488 00:31:46,304 --> 00:31:52,477 >> I WOULD-- I WOULD-- IT TENDS TO BE A POLICY OF COUNTRIES LIKE 489 00:31:52,543 --> 00:31:56,214 MINE TO STAY OUT OF OTHER COUNTRY'S POLITICS. 490 00:31:56,281 --> 00:31:59,717 ( APPLAUSE ). OF OURS. 491 00:31:59,784 --> 00:32:06,791 WE LIKE TO GET IN THERE. OKAY, DESPITE BEING A WORLD AWAY 492 00:32:06,858 --> 00:32:10,928 FROM UKRAINE, NEW ZEALAND HAS SENT MONEY, EQUIPMENT, AND 493 00:32:10,995 --> 00:32:12,463 TRAINING TO UKRAINE'S ARMY. >> YES. 494 00:32:12,530 --> 00:32:15,400 >> Stephen: WHAT MESSAGE DO YOU AND YOUR COUNTRY WANT TO 495 00:32:15,466 --> 00:32:17,735 SEND ABOUT NEW ZEALAND'S ROLE IN THE WORLD? 496 00:32:17,802 --> 00:32:21,839 >> I HAD A CONVERSATION THIS IS A GOOD FEW WEEKS AGO NOW, WITH 497 00:32:21,906 --> 00:32:24,776 THE PRIME MINISTER OF UKRAINE. AND I REMEMBER SAYING TO HIM, I 498 00:32:24,842 --> 00:32:28,479 MEAN, ANY CONTRIBUTION AT THIS TIME, PARTICULARLY WHEN YOU'RE A 499 00:32:28,546 --> 00:32:33,117 COUNTRY OF FIVE MILLION PEOPLE, IT FEELS SO DWARFED BY THE 500 00:32:33,184 --> 00:32:35,420 MAGNITUDE OF WHAT'S HAPPENING. I REMEMBER SAYING TO HIM, "WE'RE 501 00:32:35,486 --> 00:32:37,955 SO SMALL, BUT HERE ARE THE THINGS WE CAN DO AND THIS IS 502 00:32:38,022 --> 00:32:40,892 WHAT WE'RE DOING." AND HE SAID TO ME, "IT'S NOT 503 00:32:40,958 --> 00:32:43,728 ABOUT SMALL AND IT'S NOT ABOUT BIG. 504 00:32:43,795 --> 00:32:47,565 IT'S THOSE WHO REACT AND THOSE WHO DON'T, AND YOU HAVE 505 00:32:47,632 --> 00:32:49,267 REACTED." AND THAT JUST SAYS IT ALL. 506 00:32:49,334 --> 00:32:52,337 IT'S NOT ABOUT SIZE. IT'S ABOUT VALUES. 507 00:32:52,403 --> 00:32:55,807 AND IN THESE MOMENTS, STANDING TOGETHER, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER 508 00:32:55,873 --> 00:32:58,976 YOU'RE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD OR NOT, AND SHOWING THAT 509 00:32:59,043 --> 00:33:03,614 THIS IS NOT A CONFLICT THAT WE'RE GOING TO LET HAPPEN IN THE 510 00:33:03,681 --> 00:33:04,782 SHADOWS. WE WILL SPEAK UP. 511 00:33:04,849 --> 00:33:09,153 WE WILL SPEAK AGAINST IT AND STAND TOGETHER UNTIL IT ENDS. 512 00:33:09,220 --> 00:33:14,659 ( APPLAUSE ) LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK, BUT WHEN 513 00:33:14,726 --> 00:33:16,561 WE COME BACK, I WILL ASK THE PRIME MINISTER ABOUT HER 514 00:33:16,627 --> 00:33:19,097 UPCOMING NUPTIALS. STICK AROUND. 515 00:33:27,905 --> 00:33:31,376 >> Stephen: BECAUSE ALL THOSE RESERVATIONING,s COVID CAME IN 516 00:33:31,442 --> 00:33:34,345 RIGHT AFTER WE WERE DOWN THERE. OH, HEY, EVERYBODY. 517 00:33:34,412 --> 00:33:36,681 WE'RE BACK HERE WITH PRIME MINISTER JACINDA ARDERN. 518 00:33:36,748 --> 00:33:39,150 WE'RE JUST CHATTING. WE'RE JUST TALKIN'. 519 00:33:39,217 --> 00:33:41,352 NEW ZEALAND IS NOT JUST OPENING TO TOURISM. 520 00:33:41,419 --> 00:33:43,421 IT ALSO, THIS TRIP OVER HERE IS ALSO ABOUT TRADE. 521 00:33:43,488 --> 00:33:45,056 >> YES. >> Stephen: AND I'M JUST 522 00:33:45,123 --> 00:33:49,427 CURIOUS, WHAT IS THE MAJOR-- WHAT'S THE MAJOR EXPORT FOR NEW 523 00:33:49,494 --> 00:33:51,028 ZEALAND? WHAT DO WE BUY FROM YOU? 524 00:33:51,095 --> 00:33:54,866 >> OF COURSE WE ARE VERY WELL KNOWN FOR OUR HIGH-QUALITY FOOD 525 00:33:54,932 --> 00:33:56,033 AND BEVERAGE PRODUCT. >> Stephen: SURE. 526 00:33:56,100 --> 00:34:02,507 >> EVERYONE KNOWS, I HOPE, OUR HIGH-QUALITY DAIRY, BEEF. 527 00:34:02,573 --> 00:34:12,817 I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEF HERE WITH ME FOR YOU A CHILI BIN. 528 00:34:12,884 --> 00:34:15,653 >> Stephen: WHAT ARE THEY? >> A CHILI BIN? 529 00:34:15,720 --> 00:34:18,523 WE CALL IT A CHILI BIN. >> Stephen: A COOLER. 530 00:34:18,589 --> 00:34:26,964 >> A COOLER! >> Stephen: CHILLY BIN. 531 00:34:27,031 --> 00:34:29,033 IT SOUNDS LIKE A POT OF CHILL TOW ME. 532 00:34:29,100 --> 00:34:33,871 >> I FEEL LIKE THE NEW ZEALAND WORD, CHILLY BIN. 533 00:34:33,938 --> 00:34:37,241 IT'S A COLD BIN. I HAVE A COLD BIN OF BEEF FOR 534 00:34:37,308 --> 00:34:38,376 YOU. >> Stephen: THANK YOU. 535 00:34:38,443 --> 00:34:42,013 NO LEADER OF A COUNTRY HAS EVER SAID THAT TO ME BEFORE. 536 00:34:42,079 --> 00:34:46,617 >> IT IS CARBON-NEUTRAL BASED BECAUSE A BIG PART OF WHAT NEW 537 00:34:46,684 --> 00:34:49,520 ZEALAND IS PROMOTING TO THE WORLD IS WE WANT PEOPLE TO FEEL 538 00:34:49,587 --> 00:34:53,658 GOOD ABOUT BUYING OUR PRODUCTS. AND SO, WE NEED OUR VALUES TO BE 539 00:34:53,724 --> 00:34:56,494 EMBEDDED IN THEM. SO OUR VALUES AROUND CLIMATE 540 00:34:56,561 --> 00:34:58,596 CHANGE, SUSTAINABILITY, ANIMAL WELFARE. 541 00:34:58,663 --> 00:35:00,565 IT'S ALL THERE IN WHAT WE DO NOW. 542 00:35:00,631 --> 00:35:05,570 >> Stephen: NOW, WHEN I WAS DOWN THERE IN 2019, YOU AND YOUR 543 00:35:05,636 --> 00:35:07,872 FIANCE, CLARK, HAD JUST RECENTLY BECOME ENGAGED. 544 00:35:07,939 --> 00:35:11,642 BUT YOU STILL, BECAUSE OF COVID, STILL HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO GET 545 00:35:11,709 --> 00:35:12,577 MARRIED YET. IS THIS TRUE? 546 00:35:12,643 --> 00:35:15,880 >> THAT IS CORRECT. WE'VE HAD A NUMBER OF 547 00:35:15,947 --> 00:35:17,081 POSTPONEMENTS. >> Stephen: POSTPONEMENTS. 548 00:35:17,148 --> 00:35:22,687 AND I HAVE NOT BEEN DOWN THERE TO OFFICIATE, AS I OFFERED. 549 00:35:22,753 --> 00:35:25,823 AND THAT-- YOU SAID IT WOULD BE FINE, AND CLARK SAID, "WE'LL 550 00:35:25,890 --> 00:35:27,358 TALK ABOUT IT." >> WE TALKED ABOUT IT. 551 00:35:27,425 --> 00:35:29,126 >> Stephen: YES. >> AND... 552 00:35:29,193 --> 00:35:33,731 I MEAN, IT'S A-- IT'S NOT A VERY PROFESSIONAL INVITATION. 553 00:35:33,798 --> 00:35:40,071 I TORE IT OUT OF AN INFLIGHT MAGAZINE. 554 00:35:40,137 --> 00:35:42,540 >> Stephen: IT SAYS, "DEAR STEPHEN AND EVELYN, PLEASE JOIN 555 00:35:42,607 --> 00:35:46,744 US FOR OUR WEDDING. DATE: T.B.C. 556 00:35:46,811 --> 00:35:49,714 TO BE CONFIRMED? >> CORRECT. 557 00:35:49,780 --> 00:35:54,418 >> Stephen: "BUT SOME TIME AFTER NONSTOP FLIGHTS FROM NEW 558 00:35:54,485 --> 00:35:59,891 YORK TO AUCKLAND STARTING SEPTEMBER 17, 2022. 559 00:35:59,957 --> 00:36:03,394 PLEASE, NO GIFTS. CLARK'S... 560 00:36:03,461 --> 00:36:07,732 >> CLARK'S STILL A BIT FUNNY ABOUT THE ENGAGEMENT PRESENT YOU 561 00:36:07,798 --> 00:36:10,301 GAVE US. >> Stephen: WHAT DID I GIVE 562 00:36:10,368 --> 00:36:13,371 YOU? >> YOU GAVE US MATCHING MISTER 563 00:36:13,437 --> 00:36:18,643 AND MISSES GLASSES. >> Stephen: I GAVE YOU THE 564 00:36:18,709 --> 00:36:22,246 COCKTAIL GLASSES. >> WHICH HAD MY FULL TITLE ON 565 00:36:22,313 --> 00:36:23,748 IT. ( LAUGHTER ). 566 00:36:23,814 --> 00:36:31,489 ZEALAND, AND MR. ( LAUGHTER ) 567 00:36:31,556 --> 00:36:37,962 >> Stephen: I ACCEPT. ON BEHALF OF BOTH OF US. 568 00:36:38,029 --> 00:36:39,130 PRIME MINISTER JACINDA ARDERN, EVERYBODY! 569 00:36:39,196 --> 00:36:41,899 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY PUNCH BROTHERS. 570 00:37:00,751 --> 00:37:03,154 >> Stephen: PERFORMING "ANY OLD TIME" FROM THEIR ALBUM, 571 00:37:03,221 --> 00:37:06,757 "HELL ON CHURCH STREET," PUNCH BROTHERS! 572 00:37:06,824 --> 00:37:14,899 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 573 00:37:14,966 --> 00:37:18,002 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ I JUST RECEIVED YOUR LETTER, 574 00:37:18,069 --> 00:37:20,004 YOU'RE DOWN AND OUT, ♪ YOU SAY 575 00:37:20,071 --> 00:37:22,974 AT FIRST I THOUGHT ♪ I WOULD TELL YOU 576 00:37:23,040 --> 00:37:26,010 TO TRAVEL DOWN ♪ THE OTHER WAY 577 00:37:26,077 --> 00:37:32,016 BUT IN MY MEMORY LINGERS ♪ ALL YOU ONCE WERE TO ME 578 00:37:32,083 --> 00:37:35,353 SO I'M GONNA GIVE YOU ♪ ONE MORE CHANCE 579 00:37:35,419 --> 00:37:43,361 TO PROVE WHAT YOU CAN BE ♪ ANY OLD TIM 580 00:37:43,427 --> 00:37:47,365 YOU WANNA COME BACK HOME ♪ DROP ME A LINE AND, 581 00:37:47,431 --> 00:37:51,636 HONEY, SAY NO MORE ♪ YOU'LL ROAM 582 00:37:51,702 --> 00:37:58,275 YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE ♪ TO PLAY THE GAME FAIR 583 00:37:58,342 --> 00:38:00,745 BUT WHEN YOU LEFT ME, ♪ SWEETHEART, 584 00:38:00,811 --> 00:38:03,381 YOU ONLY LEFT A LOVE ♪ WHO CARED 585 00:38:03,447 --> 00:38:11,155 NOW THAT YOU'RE DOWN, ♪ I'M GONNA STICK BY YOU 586 00:38:11,222 --> 00:38:13,991 IF YOU WILL ONLY TELL ME ♪ THAT YOUR ROAMING DAYS 587 00:38:14,058 --> 00:38:18,929 ARE THROUGH ♪ YOU'LL FIND ME HERE, 588 00:38:18,996 --> 00:38:22,400 JUST LIKE THE DAY ♪ YOU LEFT ME ALONE 589 00:38:22,466 --> 00:38:31,375 ANY OLD TIME ♪ YOU WANNA COME BACK HOME 590 00:38:31,442 --> 00:38:38,015 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 591 00:38:38,082 --> 00:38:42,386 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 592 00:38:55,232 --> 00:39:01,439 ♪ ANY OLD TIME YOU WANNA COME BACK HOME 593 00:39:01,505 --> 00:39:06,143 ♪ DROP ME A LINE AND, HONEY, SAY NO MORE 594 00:39:06,210 --> 00:39:11,348 ♪ YOU'LL ROAM YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE 595 00:39:11,415 --> 00:39:13,984 ♪ TO PLAY THE GAME FAIR BUT WHEN YOU LEFT ME, 596 00:39:14,051 --> 00:39:15,619 ♪ SWEETHEART, YOU ONLY LEFT A LOVE 597 00:39:15,686 --> 00:39:23,360 ♪ WHO CARED NOW THAT YOU'RE DOWN, 598 00:39:23,427 --> 00:39:26,897 ♪ I'M GONNA STICK BY YOU IF YOU WILL ONLY TELL ME 599 00:39:26,964 --> 00:39:31,368 ♪ THAT YOUR ROAMING DAYS ARE THROUGH 600 00:39:31,435 --> 00:39:35,372 ♪ YOU'LL FIND ME HERE, JUST LIKE THE DAY 601 00:39:35,439 --> 00:39:39,376 ♪ YOU LEFT ME ALONE ANY OLD TIME 602 00:39:39,443 --> 00:39:45,983 ♪ YOU WANNA COME BACK HOME YOU'LL FIND ME HERE, 603 00:39:46,050 --> 00:39:49,987 ♪ JUST LIKE THE DAY YOU LEFT ME ALONE 604 00:39:50,054 --> 00:39:55,159 ♪ ANY OLD TIME YOU WANNA COME BACK HOME 605 00:39:55,226 --> 00:39:55,826 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 606 00:39:55,893 --> 00:40:06,704 ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 607 00:40:06,771 --> 00:40:12,476 PUNCH BROTHERS, EVERYBODY. THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW. 608 00:40:12,543 --> 00:40:14,612 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE COMEDIAN MICHAEL CHE 609 00:40:14,678 --> 00:40:16,213 AND ADMIRAL JAMES STAVRIDIS. JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 610 00:40:16,280 --> 00:40:16,914 GOOD NIGHT!