1 00:00:02,369 --> 00:00:03,636 WINNER OF THE REPUBLICAN 2 00:00:03,703 --> 00:00:05,972 NOMINATION FOR GOVERNOR IN GEORGIA. 3 00:00:06,039 --> 00:00:09,109 HE HAS DEFEATED FORMER SENATOR DAVID PERDUE. 4 00:00:09,175 --> 00:00:13,613 BRIAN KEMP WAS SUPPORTED BY VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE. 5 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:20,253 DAVID PERDUE, OF COURSE, WAS SUPPORTED BY FORMER PRESIDENT 6 00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:21,755 TRUMP. >> WE'LL LOOK AT WHETHER THIS IS 7 00:00:21,821 --> 00:00:25,625 LAYING THE GROUNDWORK FOR A TRUMP-VERSUS-PENCE RACE IN 2024. 8 00:00:25,692 --> 00:00:29,629 >> COMING IN 2024 TO C-SPAN, THE REPUBLICAN PRIMARY DEBATES. 9 00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:35,301 SEE ALL THE ACTION WHEN THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S ONE-TIME 10 00:00:35,368 --> 00:00:37,637 BIGGEST FAN DEBATES WITH THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S CURRENT 11 00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:40,907 BIGGEST FAN. >> PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP IS 12 00:00:40,974 --> 00:00:41,808 XENOPHOBIC. >> THANK YOU, AND I APPRECIATE 13 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:42,976 THAT. >> MY CHRISTIAN FAITH BECAME 14 00:00:43,042 --> 00:00:47,247 REAL FOR ME WHEN I MADE A PERSONAL DECISION FOR CHRIST. 15 00:00:47,313 --> 00:00:48,148 >> WRONG. I'M THE LEAST RACIST PERSON IN 16 00:00:48,214 --> 00:00:49,616 THIS ROOM. >> NOT TRUE. 17 00:00:49,682 --> 00:00:53,653 >> DEFINITELY NOT TRUE. >> THEY'LL MAKE THEIR CASE FOR 18 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:57,090 THEIR RETURN TO THE WHITE HOUSE. >> BUT YOU WERE THERE JUST A 19 00:00:57,157 --> 00:01:01,628 SHORT TIME AGO, AND YOU GUYS DID NOTHING. 20 00:01:01,694 --> 00:01:03,730 >> AND EXPLAIN WHY AFTER BUNGLING COVID AND INSURRECTION 21 00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:09,102 AND TWO IMPEACHMENTS, THINGS WILL BE BETTER THIS TIME. 22 00:01:09,169 --> 00:01:17,110 ( CRICKETS CHIRPING ) >> THE 2024 REPUBLICAN PRIMARY 23 00:01:17,177 --> 00:01:18,077 DEBATES ON C-SPAN. C-SPAN: WE'RE JUST TWO YEARS 24 00:01:18,144 --> 00:01:20,814 AWAY FROM PEOPLE WATCHING US AGAIN. 25 00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:25,151 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 26 00:01:25,218 --> 00:01:29,622 TONIGHT: SEE SOMETHING, DO SOMETHING. 27 00:01:29,689 --> 00:01:37,630 PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: MICHAEL CHE 28 00:01:37,697 --> 00:01:40,233 AND ADMIRAL JAMES STAVRIDIS 29 00:01:40,533 --> 00:01:44,838 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 30 00:01:45,171 --> 00:01:49,642 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 31 00:01:49,709 --> 00:01:51,144 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 32 00:01:53,713 --> 00:02:00,887 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: I WAS LATE. 33 00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:08,094 I'M SORRY. I WAS LATE. 34 00:02:08,161 --> 00:02:09,629 I WAS LATE. I WAS LATE. 35 00:02:09,696 --> 00:02:15,101 I MISSED-- GOOD TO SEE YOU. HEY, HOW'S IT GOING? 36 00:02:15,168 --> 00:02:19,405 HI, HAPPY-- HAPPIED WITH. PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY. 37 00:02:19,472 --> 00:02:23,343 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. VERY KIND. 38 00:02:23,409 --> 00:02:27,080 WELCOME ONE, WELCOME ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW." 39 00:02:27,146 --> 00:02:31,351 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 40 00:02:31,417 --> 00:02:35,522 THESE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE HERE THIS EVENING. 41 00:02:35,588 --> 00:02:41,628 YOU OUT THERE. I'VE NEVER MET MOST OF YOU OUT 42 00:02:41,694 --> 00:02:46,833 WATCHING THE SHOW IN TV LAND. BUT I'M GUESSING, LIKE ME, 43 00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:48,301 YOU'RE STILL TRYING TO PROCESS YESTERDAY'S MASS SHOOTING IN 44 00:02:48,368 --> 00:02:53,439 UVALDE, TEXAS. IF YOU'RE HEARTBROKEN AND 45 00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:55,942 YOU'RE FRUSTRATED, YOU'RE NOT ALONE. 46 00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:59,279 AMERICANS HAVE WITNESSED GUN TRAGEDY AFTER GUN TRAGEDY, AND 47 00:02:59,345 --> 00:03:04,384 WHILE IT CAN BE ARGUED THERE ARE MANY REASONS, 48 00:03:04,450 --> 00:03:07,253 WE ALL KNOW THE BIGGEST REASON FOR THE TRAGEDY IS THE GUN. 49 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:08,655 RIGHT NOW, THE UNITED STATES HAS APPROXIMATELY 400 MILLION 50 00:03:08,721 --> 00:03:09,923 FIREARMS, WHICH IS MORE THAN 40% OF THE TOTAL GUNS IN THE ENTIRE 51 00:03:09,989 --> 00:03:11,991 WORLD. THAT STAT'S EVEN MORE HARROWING 52 00:03:12,058 --> 00:03:14,160 CONSIDERING WE HAVE 100% OF THE WORLD'S FLORIDAS. 53 00:03:14,227 --> 00:03:20,767 ( LAUGHTER ) EXTREMELY DIFFICULT, SOLUTION: 54 00:03:20,833 --> 00:03:24,938 REDUCE THE NUMBER OF GUNS. WE'VE DONE IT BEFORE, AND IT 55 00:03:25,004 --> 00:03:28,675 WORKED. JOE BIDEN KNOWS THAT. 56 00:03:28,741 --> 00:03:32,145 >> WHEN WE PASSED THE ASSAULT WEAPONS BAN, MASS SHOOTINGS WENT 57 00:03:32,211 --> 00:03:33,046 DOWN. WHEN THE LAW EXPIRED, MASS 58 00:03:33,112 --> 00:03:35,949 SHOOTINGS TRIPLED. >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT 59 00:03:36,015 --> 00:03:37,216 COMPLICATED. IF THERE'S LESS OF SOMETHING 60 00:03:37,283 --> 00:03:40,687 THAT IS BUILT TO KILL PEOPLE, FEWER PEOPLE WILL BE KILLED WITH 61 00:03:40,753 --> 00:03:44,157 THAT THING. THAT'S WHY THESE DAYS, YOU SEE 62 00:03:44,223 --> 00:03:48,628 SO FEW MASS CATAPULT ATTACKS. ( LAUGHTER ) 63 00:03:48,695 --> 00:03:50,296 CAN DO RIGHT NOW. CONGRESS JUST REFUSES TO DO 64 00:03:50,363 --> 00:03:52,966 THEM. FOR INSTANCE, THE SENATE COULD 65 00:03:53,032 --> 00:03:56,803 PASS HR-8, A BILL THAT WAS PASSED BY THE HOUSE OVER A YEAR 66 00:03:56,869 --> 00:04:00,273 AGO, WHICH WOULD CLOSE LOOPHOLES IN THE BACKGROUND CHECKS LAW. 67 00:04:00,340 --> 00:04:09,682 IT'S BEING HELD UP BY SENATE REPUBLICANS, POSSIBLY. 68 00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:15,221 BECAUSE BACKGROUND CHECKS ARE SUPPORTED BY ONLY 90% OF VOTERS. 69 00:04:15,288 --> 00:04:16,656 90%! THE ONLY THING MORE POPULAR THAN 70 00:04:16,723 --> 00:04:19,892 BACKGROUND CHECKS IS DOLLY PARTON RIDING A GIANT CORGI 71 00:04:19,959 --> 00:04:20,994 BRINGING YOU FREE ICE CREAM. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 72 00:04:21,060 --> 00:04:28,701 WITH FREE ICE CREAM. ONE MAN'S FRUSTRATION ERUPTED ON 73 00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:31,437 CAMERA EARLIER TODAY. TEXAS GOVERNOR GREG ABBOTT AND 74 00:04:31,504 --> 00:04:32,839 HIS LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE TO DISCUSS THE 75 00:04:32,905 --> 00:04:36,609 SHOOTING. ABOUT 15 MINUTES IN, THEY WERE 76 00:04:36,676 --> 00:04:40,413 INTERRUPTED BY ABBOTT'S GUBERNATORIAL RIVAL, BETO 77 00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:44,183 O'ROURKE. >> AT THIS TIME, I WILL PASS THE 78 00:04:44,250 --> 00:04:50,223 MIC TO LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR DAN PATRICK 79 00:04:50,289 --> 00:04:51,691 >> GOVERNOR, I'D LIKE TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH YOU. 80 00:04:51,758 --> 00:04:55,728 >> EXCUSE ME. >> EXCUSE ME. 81 00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:57,130 >> THE TIME TO HAVE STOPPED THIS WAS AFTER SANTA FE HIGH SCHOOL-- 82 00:04:57,196 --> 00:04:58,264 >> Sen. Cruz: SIT DOWN. >> YOU'RE OUT OF LINE AND AN 83 00:04:58,331 --> 00:05:00,633 EMBARRASSMENT. >> --WAS AFTER EL PASO-- 84 00:05:00,700 --> 00:05:03,703 >> Sen. Cruz: SIT DOWN AND DON'T PLAY THIS STUFF. 85 00:05:03,770 --> 00:05:05,004 >> THE TIME TO STOP THE NEXT SHOOTING IS RIGHT NOW! 86 00:05:05,071 --> 00:05:06,239 AND YOU ARE DOING NOTHING! >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT TRUE, 87 00:05:06,305 --> 00:05:08,975 BETO. THEY'RE NOT DOING NOTHING. 88 00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:12,945 THEY'RE YELLING AT YOU FOR POINTING OUT THAT THEY'RE DOING 89 00:05:13,012 --> 00:05:19,252 NOTHING. ( APPLAUSE ) 90 00:05:19,318 --> 00:05:27,393 MIGHT CALL THIS A STUNT. BUT ALL HE'S DOING IS CALLING 91 00:05:27,460 --> 00:05:30,763 BULL(BLEEP) ON THEIR LIE, THE LIE THAT THEY'LL DO ANYTHING 92 00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:36,602 THAT MIGHT UPSET THE GUN LOBBY THAT LINES THEIR POCKETS. 93 00:05:36,669 --> 00:05:37,770 ANOTHER LIAR ON THAT STAGE GETTING YELLED AT BY BETO WAS 94 00:05:37,837 --> 00:05:39,005 TEXAS ATTORNEY GENERAL KEN PAXTON. 95 00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:41,007 HE WENT ON THE FOX NEWS LAST NIGHT AND PINCHED OUT THIS GEM: 96 00:05:41,074 --> 00:05:42,642 >> WE CAN'T STOP BAD PEOPLE FROM DOING BAD THINGS. 97 00:05:42,709 --> 00:05:43,776 THEY ARE GOING TO VIOLATE MURDER LAWS. 98 00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:44,744 THEY ARE NOT GOING TO FOLLOW GUN LAWS. 99 00:05:44,811 --> 00:05:49,248 I HAVE NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT ARGUMENT. 100 00:05:49,315 --> 00:05:50,883 >> Stephen: I GOTTA SAY, "LAWS ARE POINTLESS," IS A BOLD 101 00:05:50,950 --> 00:05:53,286 POSITION FOR THE ATTORNEY GENERAL. 102 00:05:53,352 --> 00:05:59,425 ( LAUGHTER ) PURGE. 103 00:05:59,492 --> 00:06:08,768 BUT PERHAPS-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 104 00:06:08,835 --> 00:06:14,741 NOTHING" THAT WAS EVER NOTHINGED CAME FROM GEORGIA CONGRESSWOMAN 105 00:06:14,807 --> 00:06:17,276 MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE, SEEN HERE WITH HER LOVED ONE AND HER 106 00:06:17,343 --> 00:06:20,713 HUSBAND. SHORTLY AFTER THE SHOOTING, 107 00:06:20,780 --> 00:06:23,182 GREENE TWEETED, "OUR NATION NEEDS TO TAKE A SERIOUS LOOK AT 108 00:06:23,249 --> 00:06:25,251 THE STATE OF MENTAL HEALTH TODAY." 109 00:06:25,318 --> 00:06:29,255 I AGREE-- STARTING WITH GEORGIA'S 14th DISTRICT. 110 00:06:29,322 --> 00:06:37,797 ( LAUGHTER ) REPUBLICANS HAVE NO SOLUTIONS. 111 00:06:37,864 --> 00:06:38,998 THEY ACTUALLY HAVE SOME PRETTY BAD SOLUTIONS, LIKE THIS ONE: 112 00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:40,633 >> ONE OF THE THINGS THAT YOU HAVE TALKED ABOUT IS ARMING 113 00:06:40,700 --> 00:06:41,701 TEACHERS. IS THAT A POSSIBILITY IN TEXAS? 114 00:06:41,768 --> 00:06:43,069 >> I ABSOLUTELY THINK IT'S A POSSIBILITY. 115 00:06:43,136 --> 00:06:52,545 I THINK THAT'S SOMETHING THAT SHOULD BE DONE. 116 00:06:52,612 --> 00:06:53,713 >> Stephen: COME ON. A TEACHER'S JOB IS NOT TO USE A 117 00:06:53,780 --> 00:06:55,681 GUN. IT'S TO TEACH AND RAP ABOUT 118 00:06:55,748 --> 00:06:57,250 SHAKESPEARE. ♪ I'M MISTER SMITH 119 00:06:57,316 --> 00:07:01,254 AND I'M HERE TO SAY ♪ CAESER GOT STABBED 120 00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:11,597 ET TU BRUTE? ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 121 00:07:11,664 --> 00:07:14,767 THESE COWARDLY DIPSTICKS THINK SHOULD BE ARMED. 122 00:07:14,834 --> 00:07:20,773 >> THERE ARE INDIVIDUALS WHO ARE UNPAID VOLUNTEERS WHO WOULD BE 123 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:24,143 HAPPY TO VOLUNTEER THEIR TIME TO GO SAFEGUARD SCHOOLS. 124 00:07:24,210 --> 00:07:29,015 >> TO ME IT'S A SIMPLE SOLUTION. WE HAVE RETIRED MILITARY, 125 00:07:29,081 --> 00:07:32,785 RETIRED LAW ENFORCEMENT THAT I AM SURE WE CAN COME UP WITH A 126 00:07:32,852 --> 00:07:37,356 WAY TO ENSURE THAT EVERY CHILD AND EVERY SCHOOL IS PROTECTED 127 00:07:37,423 --> 00:07:41,260 WITH ON-SITE ARMED TRAINED OFFICERS. 128 00:07:41,327 --> 00:07:44,764 >> THERE IS NO REASON WHY WE CAN'T PUT RETIRED POLICE 129 00:07:44,831 --> 00:07:49,268 OFFICERS, EX-MILITARY, AND PUT THEM AT LEAST IN EVERY SCHOOL. 130 00:07:49,335 --> 00:07:53,506 >> Stephen: YES, THAT IS THEIR BRILLIANT ANSWER TO OUR EPIDEMIC 131 00:07:53,573 --> 00:07:56,776 OF GUN VIOLENCE: ARM THE SENIORS. 132 00:07:56,843 --> 00:08:00,213 THEY SHOULDN'T BE HARD TO FIND. THEY'RE ALL MEMBERS OF THE 133 00:08:00,279 --> 00:08:01,247 "AAR-15." BUT-- 134 00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:09,055 ( APPLAUSE ) TERRIBLE SOLUTION REPUBLICANS 135 00:08:09,121 --> 00:08:13,192 ARE OFFERING UP. HERE'S FORMER N.Y.P.D. DETECTIVE 136 00:08:13,259 --> 00:08:17,230 PAT BROSNAN ON HANNITY LAST NIGHT. 137 00:08:17,296 --> 00:08:20,166 >> WE NEED TO INSTALL MAN TRAPS, MAN TRAPS-- A SERIES OF 138 00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:22,902 INTERLOCKING DOORS AT THE SCHOOL ENTRANCE THAT ARE TRIGGERED BY A 139 00:08:22,969 --> 00:08:25,271 TRIPWIRE. THE TRIPWIRE CAN BE A GUNSHOT, 140 00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:26,906 BROKEN GLASS. A MANUAL SWITCH TOSSED BY A 141 00:08:26,973 --> 00:08:31,177 SCHOOL EMPLOYEE. AND IT TRAPS THE SHOOTER LIKE A 142 00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:32,778 RAT. IT'S TRIPWIRES. 143 00:08:32,845 --> 00:08:36,515 IT'S MAN TRAPS. >> Stephen: (AS BROSNAN) 144 00:08:36,582 --> 00:08:38,784 "YES, IT'S TRIP WIRES. IT'S MAN TRAPS. 145 00:08:38,851 --> 00:08:41,254 IT'S STAIRS COVERED IN TINY TOY CARS. 146 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:43,923 IT'S CRUSHED UP CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS ON THE FLOOR. 147 00:08:43,990 --> 00:08:45,358 IT'S HOT IRONS ON PULLEYS THAT SWING AND HIT THE BAD GUYS ON 148 00:08:45,424 --> 00:08:49,262 THE FACE. IT'S CARDBOARD CUTOUTS DANCING 149 00:08:49,328 --> 00:08:51,230 IN FRONT OF THE WINDOWS. I SAW IT ALL IN THAT DOCUMENTARY 150 00:08:51,297 --> 00:08:56,769 WITH JOE PESCI." ( LAUGHTER ) 151 00:08:56,836 --> 00:09:11,717 OF COURSE, IF OUR ELECTED LEADERS WON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT 152 00:09:11,784 --> 00:09:13,252 OF COURSE, IF OUR ELECTED LEADERS WON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT 153 00:09:13,319 --> 00:09:14,787 GUN VIOLENCE, WE'RE OBVIOUSKY GOING TO NEED TO ELECT NEW 154 00:09:14,854 --> 00:09:16,322 LEADERS. AND THAT PROCESS IS ALREADY 155 00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:18,124 UNDERWAY WITH THE MIDTERM PRIMARIES. 156 00:09:18,190 --> 00:09:19,558 LAST NIGHT, THERE WERE SOME BIG RESULTS, INCLUDING GEORGIA 157 00:09:19,625 --> 00:09:23,529 DEMOCRATS MAKING THEIR PICK FOR GOVERNOR: STACEY ABRAMS. 158 00:09:23,596 --> 00:09:24,664 ABRAMSA ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 159 00:09:24,730 --> 00:09:37,209 ABRAMS, OF COURSE, IS FAMOUS FOR HER YEARS OF GRASSROOTS 160 00:09:37,276 --> 00:09:39,045 ORGANIZING IN GEORGIA, AROUND THE COUNTRY, AND MOST RECENTLY, 161 00:09:39,111 --> 00:09:41,247 IN THE UNITED FEDERATION OF PLANETS! 162 00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:49,255 SHE'S FIGHTING FOR VOTING RIGHTS FOR EVERYONE, NO MATTER HOW MANY 163 00:09:49,322 --> 00:09:55,461 FOREHEAD BULGES YOUR SKULL HAS! LAST NIGHT JUST WASN'T JUST 164 00:09:55,528 --> 00:10:02,401 ABOUT WINNERS. IT WAS REALLY ABOUT RUBBING IT 165 00:10:02,468 --> 00:10:04,136 IN THE FACE OF ONE GIANT LOSER: FORMER PRESIDENT, "THE WRATH OF 166 00:10:04,203 --> 00:10:05,438 CON." BECAUSE IN THE G.O.P. PRIMARY, 167 00:10:05,504 --> 00:10:12,645 HE WENT ALL-IN ON FORMER SENATOR DAVID PERDUE. 168 00:10:12,712 --> 00:10:14,780 DESPITE A FULL-JOWLED ENDORSEMENT FROM THE EX-PREZ, 169 00:10:14,847 --> 00:10:17,283 PERDUE GOT HIS ASS HANDED TO HIM BY INCUMBENT GOVERNOR AND BEEF 170 00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:21,120 JERKY ON ZOLOFT, BRIAN KEMP. AND IT WASN'T EVEN CLOSE. 171 00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:24,991 KEMP PEACH-STOMPED PERDUE BY OVER 50 POINTS. 172 00:10:25,057 --> 00:10:31,063 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS WAS A TOTAL EMBARRASSMENT 173 00:10:31,130 --> 00:10:35,634 FOR THE EX-PREZ. EVEN MORE SO BECAUSE THE 174 00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:40,573 CANDIDATE WHO DESTROYED HIS GUY WAS MIKE PENCE'S PICK. 175 00:10:40,639 --> 00:10:43,075 OH, OH, YOU KNOW PENCE CELEBRATED WITH HIS TRADEMARK 176 00:10:43,142 --> 00:10:44,777 VICTORY DANCE: "AVERT YOUR EYES, MOTHER. 177 00:10:44,844 --> 00:10:49,248 I AM CLENCHING TO THE RHYTHM." ( LAUGHTER ) 178 00:10:49,315 --> 00:11:04,196 ( LAUGHTER ) LOSING, BECAUSE THE EX-PREZ 179 00:11:04,263 --> 00:11:05,898 ( LAUGHTER ) LOSING, BECAUSE THE EX-PREZ 180 00:11:05,965 --> 00:11:08,200 PICKED LOSERS UP AND DOWN THE BALLOT. 181 00:11:08,267 --> 00:11:12,071 FOR EXAMPLE, THE FORMER PREZ PICKED A CANDIDATE TO TAKE DOWN 182 00:11:12,138 --> 00:11:14,340 HIS OLD NEMESIS, GEORGIA SECRETARY OF STATE BRAD 183 00:11:14,407 --> 00:11:17,243 RAFFENSPERGER, SEEN HERE BEING LESS INTERESTING THAN AN 184 00:11:17,309 --> 00:11:20,479 OUT-OF-FOCUS BELL. ( LAUGHTER ) 185 00:11:20,546 --> 00:11:25,251 BACK WHEN THE DINGUS-IN-CHIEF CALLED HIM DURING THE 2020 186 00:11:25,317 --> 00:11:28,888 ELECTION, DEMANDING HE FIND ENOUGH VOTES TO OVERTURN HIS 187 00:11:28,954 --> 00:11:32,024 LOSS IN GEORGIA. WELL, LAST NIGHT, RAFFENSPERGER 188 00:11:32,091 --> 00:11:36,562 ABSOLUTELY CREAMED THE EX-PRESIDENT'S GUY, BEATING HIM 189 00:11:36,629 --> 00:11:38,764 BY 20 POINTS. GOOD NEWS, MR. PRESIDENT. 190 00:11:38,831 --> 00:11:48,207 ( APPLAUSE ) THOSE VOTES! 191 00:11:48,274 --> 00:11:50,776 NOW, THE EX-PREZ DIDN'T LAY A TOTAL GOOSE EGG LAST NIGHT. 192 00:11:50,843 --> 00:11:59,085 HE GOT ONE WIN IN THE GEORGIA SENATE PRIMARY, THANKS TO 193 00:11:59,151 --> 00:12:00,920 CANDIDATE HERSCHEL WALKER. WALKER HAS TO TREAD A FINE LINE 194 00:12:00,986 --> 00:12:02,788 BETWEEN HOLDING ONTO THE EX-PREZ'S ENDORSEMENT AND NOT 195 00:12:02,855 --> 00:12:04,190 GETTING ANY OF THE, "STOP THE STEAL" CRAZY ON HIM, AS YOU CAN 196 00:12:04,256 --> 00:12:05,658 SEE IN THIS INTERVIEW: >> ONE OF THE THINGS THAT 197 00:12:05,724 --> 00:12:08,761 CERTAINLY MOTIVATED PRESIDENT TRUMP AND GIVING ENDORSEMENTS TO 198 00:12:08,828 --> 00:12:12,231 VARIOUS CANDIDATES HAS BEEN WHETHER OR NOT THEY ACCEPT HIS 199 00:12:12,298 --> 00:12:13,432 CLAIM THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN. DO YOU THINK THE ELECTION WAS 200 00:12:13,499 --> 00:12:15,734 STOLEN? >> WELL, I DON'T THINK-- YOU-- 201 00:12:15,801 --> 00:12:17,403 I THINK REPORTERS SAID THAT. I DON'T KNOW WHETHER PRESIDENT 202 00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:19,238 TRUMP SAID THAT. HE'S NEVER SAID THAT TO ME. 203 00:12:19,305 --> 00:12:20,539 >> I'M NOT ARGUING-- >> HERSCHEL, HE SAYS IT OVER AND 204 00:12:20,606 --> 00:12:22,775 OVER AGAIN. PLEASE. 205 00:12:22,842 --> 00:12:25,244 >> NO, NO, NO, NO. I'VE NEVER HEARD PRESIDENT TRUMP 206 00:12:25,311 --> 00:12:30,316 EVER SAY THAT. >> Stephen: NOW, TECHNICALLY-- 207 00:12:30,382 --> 00:12:34,587 COME ON, TECHNICALLY HE'S RIGHT. I'VE NEVER HEARD HIM SAY IT. 208 00:12:34,653 --> 00:12:37,256 I'VE ONLY HEARD HIM SCREAM IT, TWEET IT, AND ONE TIME, 209 00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:41,260 FART IT IN MORSE CODE. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 210 00:12:41,327 --> 00:12:43,996 TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE MICHAEL CHE AND 211 00:12:44,063 --> 00:12:46,765 ADMIRAL JAMES STAVRIDIS. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, SPACE 212 00:12:46,832 --> 00:12:47,600 NEWS. ♪ ♪ ♪ 213 00:13:23,536 --> 00:13:24,503 ( APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY! 214 00:13:24,570 --> 00:13:27,439 GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND! SAY HELLO TO STAY HUMAN, 215 00:13:27,506 --> 00:13:29,742 EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK. 216 00:13:29,808 --> 00:13:31,744 MY GOODNESS. OH, MY GOODNESS. 217 00:13:31,810 --> 00:13:36,749 >> YES, YES, YES UPON. >> Stephen: LOUIS, LOUIS, IN 218 00:13:36,815 --> 00:13:38,784 JUST A MOMENT HERE, FROM "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," MICHAEL 219 00:13:38,851 --> 00:13:42,621 CHE IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE. A VERY FUNNY YOUNG MAN. 220 00:13:42,688 --> 00:13:46,158 ( APPLAUSE ) ACTUALLY. 221 00:13:46,225 --> 00:13:48,093 ALSO, BRIEFLY FROM "THE DAILY SHOW." 222 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:51,697 PEOPLE FORGET THAT. AND FORMER SUPREME ALLIED 223 00:13:51,764 --> 00:13:54,466 COMMANDER OF NATO, ADMIRAL JAMES STAVRIDIS IS GOING TO BE OUT 224 00:13:54,533 --> 00:13:59,405 HERE IN JUST A MOMENT. WE'LL TALK ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON 225 00:13:59,471 --> 00:14:01,574 IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW. ( APPLAUSE ) 226 00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:05,044 GUESTS. I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE A SPECIAL 227 00:14:05,110 --> 00:14:07,479 GUEST JOINING THE BAND TONIGHT. PLEASE INTRODUCE YOUR FRIEND. 228 00:14:07,546 --> 00:14:15,454 >> OH, MY GOSH, WE HAVE TRAY VON ON THE SAXOPHONE. 229 00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:19,425 >> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. 230 00:14:19,491 --> 00:14:20,626 FOLKS, I LOVE SPACE. FUN FACT: IT'S WHERE MY 231 00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:23,963 PLANET IS. AND I ALSO LOVE TELLING YOU ALL 232 00:14:24,029 --> 00:14:25,464 ABOUT THE LATEST OFF-EARTH DEVELOPMENTS IN MY LONG-RUNNING 233 00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:29,969 SEGMENT: ( ECHOING ) 234 00:14:30,035 --> 00:14:44,917 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NEWS: BILLIONAIRES IN SPACE. 235 00:14:44,984 --> 00:14:49,121 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NEWS: BILLIONAIRES IN SPACE. 236 00:14:49,188 --> 00:14:51,257 LAST MONTH, THIS GAGGLE OF BILLIONAIRES PAID TO GO TO THE 237 00:14:51,323 --> 00:14:54,093 INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION. BUT, APPARENTLY, THE 238 00:14:54,159 --> 00:15:00,099 BILLIONAIRES WEREN'T EXPECTING TO WORK SO HARD ON THE I.S.S. 239 00:15:00,165 --> 00:15:03,269 OH, THESE CLOWNS. I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE BEEN THERE 240 00:15:03,335 --> 00:15:05,938 FOR THE MOMENT THAT DAWNED ON THEM. 241 00:15:06,005 --> 00:15:10,175 ( AS BILLIONAIRE ) REQUESTED A NOISE-CANCELLING 242 00:15:10,242 --> 00:15:11,677 HELMET? WHAT'S THAT? 243 00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:13,479 WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? HOSE OUT THE POOP TUBE? 244 00:15:13,545 --> 00:15:17,950 THAT WAS NOT IN THE BROCHURE." ( LAUGHTER ) 245 00:15:18,017 --> 00:15:22,021 HAVE BILLIONAIRES WHO ARE SO BILLIONED UP THAT THEY OWN THEIR 246 00:15:22,087 --> 00:15:25,557 OWN SPACE PROGRAMS, WHILE THESE GUYS HAD TO PAY $55 MILLION FOR 247 00:15:25,624 --> 00:15:29,962 A SEAT ON A SHUTTLE. SO NOW IT'S OFFICIAL: WE NOW 248 00:15:30,029 --> 00:15:31,897 HAVE SPACE COACH CLASS. PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO THOUGHT, 249 00:15:31,964 --> 00:15:35,734 "I LOVE BEING IN A CROWDED CABIN WITH NO LEGROOM, BUT I WISH WHEN 250 00:15:35,801 --> 00:15:40,973 I BARFED IT WOULD FLOAT AROUND MY HEAD." 251 00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:43,475 SO WHAT WAS THE SPECIFIC SPACE WORK THE BILLIONAIRES HAD TO DO? 252 00:15:43,542 --> 00:15:48,881 IT WAS EXPERIMENTS ON HOLOPORTATION, HUMAN CELLS, AND 253 00:15:48,947 --> 00:15:52,551 HIGH-PRECISION OPTICAL LENSES. BUT BEING THAT IT WAS THEIR 254 00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:55,487 FIRST TIME IN SPACE, AND THAT THEY ARE NEITHER PROFESSIONAL 255 00:15:55,554 --> 00:15:57,956 ASTRONAUTS NOR RESEARCHERS, SOME OF THE EXPERIMENTS ENDED UP 256 00:15:58,023 --> 00:16:00,392 TAKING QUITE A LOT LONGER THAN ANTICIPATED. 257 00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:03,696 WELL, YEAH. QUALIFICATIONS COME IN HANDY. 258 00:16:03,762 --> 00:16:05,964 THAT'S WHY YOU NEVER GET IN THE DENTIST CHAIR AND HEAR, 259 00:16:06,031 --> 00:16:08,834 "HI, I'LL BE EXTRACTING ONE OF THOSE BIG CHOMPY ONES TODAY, BUT 260 00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:11,637 I'VE NEVER BEEN TO TOOTH SCHOOL, OR WHATEVER. 261 00:16:11,704 --> 00:16:13,605 I PAID 20 GRAND TO PLAY WITH THE DRILL. 262 00:16:13,672 --> 00:16:17,943 NOW, LET ME STAB YOUR MOUTH WITH THIS DRUG DART." 263 00:16:18,010 --> 00:16:32,558 ( LAUGHTER ) ( LAUGHTER ) 264 00:16:32,624 --> 00:16:34,827 NASA'S CURIOSITY ROVER SPOTTED WHAT APPEARS TO BE A DOORWAY ON 265 00:16:34,893 --> 00:16:37,963 MARS, AND HERE'S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE: 266 00:16:38,030 --> 00:16:40,366 AMAZING! WAIT A SECOND. 267 00:16:40,432 --> 00:16:41,934 JIMMY, CAN WE ZOOM IN ON THAT? A VALPAK! 268 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:45,938 THEY'RE RELENTLESS! NOW, THIS LOOKS VERY MYSTERIOUS 269 00:16:46,004 --> 00:16:49,875 AND EXCITING, BUT NASA WARNS THAT THOUGH IT LOOKS LIKE THE 270 00:16:49,942 --> 00:16:52,811 ENTRANCE TO AN ALIEN TOMB, MISSION SCIENTISTS SAY IT'S A 271 00:16:52,878 --> 00:16:56,749 NATURAL FEATURE. COME ON. 272 00:16:56,815 --> 00:16:57,716 DON'T JUST DISMISS IT OUT OF HAND. 273 00:16:57,783 --> 00:17:00,753 AREN'T YOU EVEN A LITTLE TOMB-CURIOUS? 274 00:17:00,819 --> 00:17:01,920 THIS MARS DOOR COULD BE THE FINAL RESTING PLACE OF THE 275 00:17:01,987 --> 00:17:05,958 CAREERS OF WHOEVER MADE JOHN CARTER. 276 00:17:06,024 --> 00:17:11,230 ( LAUGHTER ) OF JOHN CARTER. 277 00:17:11,296 --> 00:17:13,465 REALLY? YOU ALL ARE IN THIS THEATER 278 00:17:13,532 --> 00:17:16,268 TONIGHT. ( LAUGHTER ) 279 00:17:16,335 --> 00:17:29,481 ( ECHO ) ( LAUGHTER ) 280 00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:33,952 TO GET NEW MEANING, BECAUSE SCIENTISTS SAY WE REALLY HAVE TO 281 00:17:34,019 --> 00:17:37,289 TALK ABOUT BONING IN SPACE. ( LAUGHTER ) 282 00:17:37,356 --> 00:17:43,162 HEAR YOU SCREAM... IF YOU'RE DOIN' IT RIGHT. 283 00:17:43,228 --> 00:17:48,901 ( LAUGHTER ) BE EMBRACING SPACE SEXOLOGY AS A 284 00:17:48,967 --> 00:17:53,939 NEW DISCIPLINE OF STUDY, BECAUSE IF WE EVER WANT TO BECOME 285 00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:55,707 INTERPLANETARY, WE SHOULD KNOW HOW TO BOINK IN MICROGRAVITY, OR 286 00:17:55,774 --> 00:17:57,943 IF IT'S EVEN POSSIBLE. BECAUSE HAVING SEX IN 287 00:17:58,010 --> 00:18:00,145 MICROGRAVITY IS HARD-- ESPECIALLY FINDING THE ZERO-G 288 00:18:00,212 --> 00:18:08,220 SPOT. ( LAUGHTER ) 289 00:18:08,287 --> 00:18:23,168 NEWS PRETTY HARD TONIGHT. NEXT UP: SPACE SHOPPING. 290 00:18:23,235 --> 00:18:24,403 NEWS PRETTY HARD TONIGHT. NEXT UP: SPACE SHOPPING. 291 00:18:24,470 --> 00:18:25,804 A NEW COMPANY NAMED "INVERSION" IS BUILDING EARTH-ORBITING 292 00:18:25,871 --> 00:18:28,407 CAPSULES TO DELIVER GOODS ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD FROM OUTER 293 00:18:28,474 --> 00:18:29,942 SPACE, AND HERE'S A PROTOTYPE OF SAID CAPSULE. 294 00:18:30,008 --> 00:18:33,946 AMAZING! THAT'S THE KIND OF HIGHLY 295 00:18:34,012 --> 00:18:37,483 ADVANCED DELIVERY TECHNOLOGY USUALLY RESERVED FOR ROOM 296 00:18:37,549 --> 00:18:43,922 SERVICE CHICKEN FINGERS. AND THERE COULD BE A MEDICAL 297 00:18:43,989 --> 00:18:45,958 APPLICATIONS. THE COMPANY'S FOUNDERS IMAGINE 298 00:18:46,024 --> 00:18:48,827 THE CAPSULES COULD STORE ARTIFICIAL ORGANS THAT ARE 299 00:18:48,894 --> 00:18:50,095 DELIVERED TO AN OPERATING ROOM WHICH SOUNDS GREAT, UNTIL YOU 300 00:18:50,162 --> 00:18:54,166 LEARN THAT CAPSULE WOULD DEPLOY A PARACHUTE AND LAND WITHIN A 301 00:18:54,233 --> 00:18:55,767 RADIUS OF TENS OF MILES FROM ITS TARGET LOCATION. 302 00:18:55,834 --> 00:19:00,539 ( AS NURSE ) ( AS DOCTOR ) 303 00:19:00,606 --> 00:19:02,875 HEART JUST TOUCHED DOWN WITHIN TENS OF MILES. 304 00:19:02,941 --> 00:19:05,978 HELP ME DRAG THIS GUY INTO AN UBER." 305 00:19:06,044 --> 00:19:07,713 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MICHAEL CHE. 306 00:19:25,531 --> 00:19:27,599 ( APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY! 307 00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:32,871 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST 308 00:19:32,938 --> 00:19:34,139 GUEST IS A STANDUP COMEDIAN YOU KNOW AS THE CO-HOST OF 'WEEKEND 309 00:19:34,206 --> 00:19:36,441 UPDATE' ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." 310 00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:44,116 HE CREATED AND STARS IN THE SKETCH COMEDY SERIES, "THAT DAMN 311 00:19:44,182 --> 00:19:47,853 MICHAEL CHE," WHICH RETURNS TOMORROW FOR ITS SECOND SEASON. 312 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:51,723 PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," THAT DAMN MICHAEL CHE. 313 00:19:51,790 --> 00:19:55,827 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 314 00:19:55,894 --> 00:20:10,776 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY. 315 00:20:10,842 --> 00:20:19,818 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY. 316 00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:25,223 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EXCITED. 317 00:20:25,290 --> 00:20:26,625 >> Stephen: YEAH. NICE TO HAVE YOU ON. 318 00:20:26,692 --> 00:20:28,827 >> IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME. 319 00:20:28,894 --> 00:20:31,630 >> Stephen: FIRST TIME I'VE HAD A CHANCE TO SIT DOWN WITH 320 00:20:31,697 --> 00:20:33,398 YOU BUT NOT YOUR FIRST TIME IN THIS THEATER. 321 00:20:33,465 --> 00:20:36,368 I UNDERSTAND YOU MAY YOUR TELEVISION DEBUT ON THIS STAGE. 322 00:20:36,435 --> 00:20:40,839 IS THAT TRUE? >> I DID STANDUP ON "LETTERMAN" 323 00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:42,240 IN 2012. YEAH. 324 00:20:42,307 --> 00:20:46,545 ( APPLAUSE ). THAT'S A BIG TEN YEARS. 325 00:20:46,612 --> 00:20:49,481 NOW, SO, TELL ME ABOUT THAT. I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I GOT 326 00:20:49,548 --> 00:20:53,919 A CALL TO BE ON DAVE. >> I REMEMBER IT WAS DURING 327 00:20:53,986 --> 00:20:55,520 HURRICANE SANDY. >> Stephen: OKAY, YEAH. 328 00:20:55,587 --> 00:20:58,890 >> AND I HAD NO POWER. I WAS LIVING IN JERSEY CITY. 329 00:20:58,957 --> 00:21:01,893 I HAD NO POWER, NOW ELECTRICITY, NO ANYTHING, AND I DIDN'T KNOW I 330 00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:05,030 WAS SUPPOSED TO DO IT. THEY CALLED MY BEST FRIEND WHO 331 00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:07,332 LIVED, LIKE, 30 MINUTES AWAY, BECAUSE HE HAD A PHONE. 332 00:21:07,399 --> 00:21:11,136 AND HE DROVE TO MY HOUSE, KNOCKED ON MY WINDOW, AND WAS 333 00:21:11,203 --> 00:21:14,339 LIKE, "THEY WANT YOU TO DO 'LETTERMAN' TOMORROW." 334 00:21:14,406 --> 00:21:16,675 AND I WAS LIKE, "THIS ISN'T FUNNY." 335 00:21:16,742 --> 00:21:19,745 ( LAUGHTER ). CALL YOUR BEST FRIEND. 336 00:21:19,811 --> 00:21:22,681 >> THEY KNEW TO CALL THEM, BECAUSE MY MANAGER WAS-- THEY 337 00:21:22,748 --> 00:21:25,917 WERE TRYING TO FIND SOMEBODY IN JERSEY CITY THAT COULD FIND ME. 338 00:21:25,984 --> 00:21:29,688 >> Stephen: WOW, OKAY. >> I SC.BT STAYED IN A HOTEL. 339 00:21:29,755 --> 00:21:31,823 AND I DIDN'T HAVE ANY CLOTHES OR ANYTHING. 340 00:21:31,890 --> 00:21:33,892 >> Stephen: IT WAS NOT EASY TO GET AROUND. 341 00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:35,360 PEOPLE FORGET. LIKE, IT WAS NOT EASY TO GET IN 342 00:21:35,427 --> 00:21:39,197 AND OUT OF THE CITY OR ANYTHING. >> NO, WE HAD TO DRIVE-- WE HAD 343 00:21:39,264 --> 00:21:44,903 TO, LIKE, PICK UP A HITCHHIKER. >> Stephen: IT WAS ONLY HIGH 344 00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:45,971 OCCUPANCIY. >> THAT'S RIGHT. 345 00:21:46,038 --> 00:21:48,206 IT WAS ME AND MY BOY. WE WERE DRIVING AROUND LIKE, 346 00:21:48,273 --> 00:21:50,075 "DOES ANYBODY WANT TO DRIVE INTO THE CITY WITH US." 347 00:21:50,142 --> 00:21:54,680 >> Stephen: "HEY, LADIES." >> SOME GUY WAS WITH A KID AND 348 00:21:54,746 --> 00:21:57,916 HE GOES, "I'LL GET IN." I WAS LIKE, "YOU SHOULD NOT DO 349 00:21:57,983 --> 00:22:00,252 THAT." GOT IN WITH A SIX-YEAR-OLD AND 350 00:22:00,318 --> 00:22:02,287 WE DROVE TO THE CITY. WE WENT TO SACKS. 351 00:22:02,354 --> 00:22:05,824 I GOT A BLAZER. >> Stephen: I HAVE THE PHOTO. 352 00:22:05,891 --> 00:22:10,062 I HAVE THE PHOTO. YOU YOU DIDN'T-- YOU HAD TO BUY 353 00:22:10,128 --> 00:22:12,164 THIS? >> NO, THAT WAS ABOUT 40 POUNDS 354 00:22:12,230 --> 00:22:13,565 AGO. >> Stephen: WHICH WAY? 355 00:22:13,632 --> 00:22:16,034 >> OH, THAT WAY. NO... 356 00:22:16,101 --> 00:22:24,643 ( LAUGHTER ) I WAS LIKE I'M GOING TO 357 00:22:24,710 --> 00:22:26,945 "LETTERMAN" AND I'D LIKE TO LOOK GREAT. 358 00:22:27,012 --> 00:22:30,615 HE GAVE ME A $3,000 GUCCI JACKET. 359 00:22:30,682 --> 00:22:37,589 WE WALKED THERE'S THE STREET TO H&MAND I GOT THAT BLAZER. 360 00:22:37,656 --> 00:22:41,293 >> THAT POCKET SQUARE IS PROBABLY THE RECEIPT. 361 00:22:41,359 --> 00:22:50,502 ( LAUGHTER ) THANKS,, H& M." 362 00:22:50,569 --> 00:22:56,708 >> Stephen: I WANT TO POINT OUT YOUR FIRST INSTINCT WAS "I'M 363 00:22:56,775 --> 00:22:59,945 GOING ON DAVE. THE I WANT TO LOOK GOOD." 364 00:23:00,011 --> 00:23:03,248 THANKS FOR DRESSING UP. YOU JUST FEEL SO RELAXED NOW, 365 00:23:03,315 --> 00:23:05,684 RIGHT? >> I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M WEARING 366 00:23:05,751 --> 00:23:07,619 MATERNITY CLOTHES. BUT... 367 00:23:07,686 --> 00:23:09,921 ( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS GREAT. 368 00:23:09,988 --> 00:23:13,425 THIS IS AWESOME MAN. THIS IS, LIKE, WHERE THE BEATLES 369 00:23:13,492 --> 00:23:15,761 PLAYED. >> Stephen: YEAH, ISN'T IT? 370 00:23:15,827 --> 00:23:17,929 YEAH. >> THIS IS INSANE. 371 00:23:17,996 --> 00:23:21,166 >> Stephen: NOW, LIKE ME, YOU'RE FROM A PRETTY BIG FAMILY. 372 00:23:21,233 --> 00:23:23,201 HOW MANY KIDS? >> I'M THE YOUNGEST OF SEVEN. 373 00:23:23,268 --> 00:23:25,871 >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT. BEING THE YOUNGEST IS GREAT OF A 374 00:23:25,937 --> 00:23:29,341 BIG FAMILY, ISN'T IT? >> YEAH, MY PARENTS DID NOT HAVE 375 00:23:29,407 --> 00:23:31,676 CABLE. ( LAUGHTER ) 376 00:23:31,743 --> 00:23:36,248 BEING ONE OF A LOT OF KIDS, WHAT-- ARE YOU THE FUNNIEST ONE 377 00:23:36,314 --> 00:23:38,750 IN YOUR FAMILY? >> NO, NO! 378 00:23:38,817 --> 00:23:40,886 >> Stephen: ACCORDING TO... YOU OR THEM? 379 00:23:40,952 --> 00:23:42,387 >> BOTH! NO. 380 00:23:42,454 --> 00:23:46,124 ( LAUGHTER ) FUNNIEST ONES ARE NEVER THE ONES 381 00:23:46,191 --> 00:23:50,262 THAT END UP BEING COMEDIANS. IT'S ALWAYS, LIKE, THE THIRD OR 382 00:23:50,328 --> 00:23:54,099 FOURTH ONES THAT ARE REALLY TRYING TO OVERACHIEVE. 383 00:23:54,166 --> 00:23:56,601 THE FUNNY ONES, THEY'RE VERY CONFIDENT-- I THINK THE FUNNIEST 384 00:23:56,668 --> 00:23:59,604 PEOPLE IN MY FAMILY WERE MY GRANDFATHER AND MY GRANDMOTHER 385 00:23:59,671 --> 00:24:03,842 WHO THEY WERE THE FUNNIEST. MY GRANDFATHER WAS A PASTOR, SO 386 00:24:03,909 --> 00:24:07,546 HE KNEW HOW TO HOLD COURT. HE WAS FUNNY ON PURPOSE. 387 00:24:07,612 --> 00:24:09,214 MY GRANDMOTHER WASN'T FUNNY ON PURPOSE. 388 00:24:09,281 --> 00:24:12,651 SHE JUST COULDN'T HELP IT. ( LAUGHTER ) 389 00:24:12,717 --> 00:24:15,887 >> Stephen: NO FILTER. >> NO FILTER. 390 00:24:15,954 --> 00:24:20,158 AND SHE WOULD EXAGGERATE. SHE WOULD-- OH, SHE WOULD 391 00:24:20,225 --> 00:24:22,460 EXAGGERATE. ANYTHING ANYBODY-- "HE WAS NINE 392 00:24:22,527 --> 00:24:27,632 FEET TALL!" HE WASN'T NINE FEET TALL. 393 00:24:27,699 --> 00:24:31,636 "HE WAS 2,000 POUNDS!" AND SHE WOULD SAY IT LIKE, "HOW 394 00:24:31,703 --> 00:24:34,773 COULD YOU CALL ME A LIAR?" ( LAUGHTER ) 395 00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:39,110 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK, BUT WHEN 396 00:24:39,177 --> 00:24:41,947 WE COME BACK, I'LL ASK MICHAEL HOW HE FEELS ABOUT TALKING ABOUT 397 00:24:42,013 --> 00:24:44,649 THE NEWS EVERY WEEK. YOU MIGHT BE SURPRISED BY HIS 398 00:24:44,716 --> 00:24:45,317 ANSWER. ♪ ♪ ♪ 399 00:24:52,057 --> 00:24:56,194 .>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE BACK WITH MICHAEL CHE. 400 00:24:56,261 --> 00:24:59,397 I FOUND OUT SOMETHING TODAY THAT I DID NOT-- I DON'T KNOW HOW 401 00:24:59,464 --> 00:25:04,870 THIS ESCAPED ME, BUT YOU, ALONG WITH COLIN, YOU TWO ARE THE 402 00:25:04,936 --> 00:25:09,007 LONGEST "WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHORS OF ALL TIME IN HISTORY. 403 00:25:09,074 --> 00:25:11,843 WHAT IS IT, SEVEN YEARS? EIGHT? 404 00:25:11,910 --> 00:25:14,045 WHAT IS IT? >> SOMETHING LIKE THAT, YEAH. 405 00:25:14,112 --> 00:25:15,213 >> Stephen: SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 406 00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:17,082 >> THANK YOU. I DON'T KNOW-- I DON'T KNOW-- I 407 00:25:17,148 --> 00:25:19,618 DON'T KNOW WHY. >> Stephen: I MEAN, IT MUST-- 408 00:25:19,684 --> 00:25:21,786 IT'S A GOOD GIG. DO YOU ENJOY THE NEWS? 409 00:25:21,853 --> 00:25:24,322 LIKE, ARE YOU A JUNKY? >> NO! 410 00:25:24,389 --> 00:25:27,525 WHAT YOU JUST DID WAS TERRIFYING. 411 00:25:27,592 --> 00:25:29,361 I-- I WAS -- >> Stephen: WELL, NOT EVERY 412 00:25:29,427 --> 00:25:32,197 NIGHT IS ABOUT SUBJECTS LIKE THIS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 413 00:25:32,264 --> 00:25:35,600 THIS IS A LITTLE TOUGHER. ( LAUGHTER ). 414 00:25:35,667 --> 00:25:38,603 CLOSER AND CLOSER. >> Stephen: THAT'S TRUE. 415 00:25:38,670 --> 00:25:41,406 YOU DON'T FOLLOW THE NEWS? >> I DON'T-- I DON'T LIKE THE 416 00:25:41,473 --> 00:25:44,976 NEWS. I DO IT FOR WORK. 417 00:25:45,043 --> 00:25:48,813 ( LAUGHTER ) TO BE THE HOST OF "WEEKEND 418 00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:49,848 UPDATE." YOU'RE JUST NOT INTO IT. 419 00:25:49,915 --> 00:25:52,851 >> I LIKE THE JOKE PARTS. I LIKE THE JOKE MATH. 420 00:25:52,918 --> 00:25:56,988 YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS LAUGH BECAUSE KID COME UP TO ME, "I GET ALL MY 421 00:25:57,055 --> 00:26:00,825 NEWS FROM YOU." I'M LIKE, "YOU DON'T KNOW NEWS, 422 00:26:00,892 --> 00:26:03,028 BECAUSE THAT IS NOT WHAT I'M DOING, MAN." 423 00:26:03,094 --> 00:26:05,230 >> Stephen: WOW, WOW. >> DO YOU LIKE IT? 424 00:26:05,297 --> 00:26:08,533 DO YOU LIKE DOING THE NEWS? >> Stephen: I'VE ALWAYS LIKED 425 00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:09,968 THE NEWS. I DON'T IT TO BE THIS DARK. 426 00:26:10,035 --> 00:26:12,671 I'M DOING IT FOR THE JOKES, TOO. I'M HERE FOR THE MATH. 427 00:26:12,737 --> 00:26:15,640 I LIKE THE CONSTRUCTION OF THE JOKE AND WHEN IT WORKS IT FEELS 428 00:26:15,707 --> 00:26:18,143 GOOD AND THEY MAKE THAT NOISE WITH THEIR MOUTH AND YOU KNOW 429 00:26:18,209 --> 00:26:23,181 YOU DID YOUR JOB WELL. THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT COMEDY, 430 00:26:23,248 --> 00:26:26,384 YOU KNOW WHEN IT WORKS. >> YEAH, BUT YOU FIND OUT WHEN 431 00:26:26,451 --> 00:26:27,986 IT DIDN'T WORK AT THE SAME TIME THEY DO. 432 00:26:28,053 --> 00:26:30,622 >> Stephen: TRUE! IT IS A SERIES-- IT IS A SERIES 433 00:26:30,689 --> 00:26:32,958 OF BET YOU LAY DOWN IN THE REWRITE ROOM. 434 00:26:33,024 --> 00:26:36,428 >> PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "WHY CAN YOU SAY THAT?" 435 00:26:36,494 --> 00:26:38,697 "I DON'T KNOW. IT WAS FUNNY IN THE ROOM." 436 00:26:38,763 --> 00:26:41,166 >> Stephen: EXACTLY. I'LL BET HOW I FEEL TOMORROW ON 437 00:26:41,232 --> 00:26:44,436 THIS JOKE. BECAUSE YOU-- IF IT DOESN'T 438 00:26:44,502 --> 00:26:46,838 WORK, YOU KEEP THAT WITH YOU UNTIL YOUR NEXT CHANCE TO GO OUT 439 00:26:46,905 --> 00:26:50,241 THERE AND DO IT AGAIN. >> AND I DO IT WITH SOMEBODY 440 00:26:50,308 --> 00:26:53,511 ELSE, IT'S SO CRAZY IF YOU BOMB AND THE CAMERA CUTS AWAY FROM 441 00:26:53,578 --> 00:26:56,481 YOU, AND THEN HE KILLS, AND THEN IT CUTS BACK TO YOU, AND 442 00:26:56,548 --> 00:27:02,087 EVERYBODY IS LIKE "OOOOHHH." NOW I'VE GOT-- I'M IN THE HOLE. 443 00:27:02,153 --> 00:27:06,558 IT'S ROUGH, MAN. IT'S A ROUGH GIG, AND IT IS NOT 444 00:27:06,624 --> 00:27:09,427 SMART. >> Stephen: WH WELL, NOW YOU HAE 445 00:27:09,494 --> 00:27:12,530 THE SECOND SEASON OF YOUR OWN SKETCH COMEDY SHOW, "THAT DAMN 446 00:27:12,597 --> 00:27:15,800 MICHAEL CHE." I DO WANT TO POINT OUT THAT YOU 447 00:27:15,867 --> 00:27:22,374 WORK ON A SKETCH COMEDY SHOW. MAYBE "THE" SKETCH COMEDY SHOW, 448 00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:26,144 AND THIS IS YOUR SIDE PROJECT. IT'S KIND OF A BUS MAN'S 449 00:27:26,211 --> 00:27:27,612 HOLIDAY. WHY DO MORE SKETCH? 450 00:27:27,679 --> 00:27:31,349 BECAUSE YOU CAN DO SKETCH. >> YEAH, BUT THIS ONE'S FOR 451 00:27:31,416 --> 00:27:32,650 BLACK PEOPLE. ( LAUGHTER ) 452 00:27:32,717 --> 00:27:38,890 SO... A LITTLE DIFFERENT. 453 00:27:38,957 --> 00:27:43,228 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, ALL 454 00:27:43,294 --> 00:27:44,929 RIGHT. SO OFFICIALLY, "S.N.L." IS FOR 455 00:27:44,996 --> 00:27:46,398 WHITE PEOPLE IS WHAT YOU'RE SAYING? 456 00:27:46,464 --> 00:27:51,002 >> I'M JUST SAYING YOU KNOW... ( LAUGHTER ) 457 00:27:51,069 --> 00:27:56,608 IT'S-- IT'S-- THAT'S ANOTHER VARIETY SHOW, AND IT'S SO MANY 458 00:27:56,674 --> 00:28:00,078 DIFFERENT VOICES. BUT, NO, THERE ARE SHOWS YOU CAN 459 00:28:00,145 --> 00:28:04,249 KIND OF LOCK IN AND BE A LITTLE BIT MORE NUANCED AND THAT'S 460 00:28:04,315 --> 00:28:06,451 ALWAYS FUN TO GET TO CO. AND WE CAN CURSE. 461 00:28:06,518 --> 00:28:10,388 >> Stephen: OH, WOW. >> ON HBO, WE CAN SAY ALL OF THE 462 00:28:10,455 --> 00:28:12,223 FOUL LANGUAGE. >> Stephen: GOOD FOR YOU, GOOD 463 00:28:12,290 --> 00:28:14,559 FOR YOU, IF YOU LIKE THAT KIND OF STUFF. 464 00:28:14,626 --> 00:28:15,894 >> IF YOU LIKE THAT SORT OF THING. 465 00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:17,695 >> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP HERE. 466 00:28:17,762 --> 00:28:20,598 CAN YOU TELL US WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE CLIP? 467 00:28:20,665 --> 00:28:23,868 >> THIS CLIP, I HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE IT-- 468 00:28:23,935 --> 00:28:27,138 ( LAUGHTER ). BEFORE EVERYTHING YOU EVER DO 469 00:28:27,205 --> 00:28:30,308 "I'VE GOT ANOTHER JOKE. I HOPE YOU LIKE IT." 470 00:28:30,375 --> 00:28:32,377 >> NO, I REALLY HOPE YOU LIKE IT. 471 00:28:32,444 --> 00:28:37,215 I'M ASKING MY GIRLFRIEND'S-- MY EX-GIRLFRIENDS TO GIVE ME AN 472 00:28:37,282 --> 00:28:39,017 INTERVENTION TO FIND OUT WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME. 473 00:28:39,084 --> 00:28:48,126 ( LAUGHTER ) >> YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME YOU 474 00:28:48,193 --> 00:28:49,828 HAD A GIRLFRIEND. >> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. 475 00:28:49,894 --> 00:28:52,130 NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU COULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY. 476 00:28:52,197 --> 00:28:53,531 >> ( BLEEP ) WHAT YOU SAID TO ME. 477 00:28:53,598 --> 00:28:56,568 >> BE HONEST. >> WHEN WE BROKE UP, HE TRIED TO 478 00:28:56,634 --> 00:28:58,002 DATE MY SISTER. >> WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW. 479 00:28:58,069 --> 00:29:01,039 >> YES, YOU DID, DON'T LIE. >> YOU DIDN'T LET ME FINISH. 480 00:29:01,106 --> 00:29:03,141 I DIDN'T KNOW THAT THAT MATTERED. 481 00:29:03,208 --> 00:29:08,313 >> YOU'RE DISGUSTING. >> HE DUMPED ME ON JUNETEENTH. 482 00:29:08,379 --> 00:29:11,116 >> I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT WAS A HOLIDAY UNTIL LAST YEAR. 483 00:29:11,182 --> 00:29:14,786 >> SHAME ON YOU. HAVE ONE.YOU ALWAYS ( BLEEP ) ON 484 00:29:14,853 --> 00:29:16,387 EVERYTHING I LIKE. >> NO, I DON'T. 485 00:29:16,454 --> 00:29:20,125 >> YES, YOU DO. I HATE TELL YOU ABOUT ANYTHING I 486 00:29:20,191 --> 00:29:22,760 LIKE BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME FEEL DUMB FOR LIKING IT. 487 00:29:22,827 --> 00:29:25,930 >> DONGT YOU THINK IF SOMETHING YOU LIKE IS OBJECTIVELY BAD I 488 00:29:25,997 --> 00:29:28,366 SHOULD MAKE YOU FEEL A LITTLE DUMB. 489 00:29:28,433 --> 00:29:30,702 >> IT'S NOT OBJECTIVELY BAD IF I THINK IT'S GOOD. 490 00:29:30,768 --> 00:29:32,770 >> WHAT THE ( BLEEP ) DO YOU KNOW? 491 00:29:32,837 --> 00:29:39,777 YOU LIKE K-POP. SHE CALLS HARRY STYLES R&B. 492 00:29:39,844 --> 00:29:43,014 THAT'S WRONG! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 493 00:29:43,081 --> 00:29:45,984 HERE FAN, THAT WAS A LOT OF FUN. SEASON TWO OF, "THAT DAMN 494 00:29:46,050 --> 00:29:48,920 MICHAEL CHE," PREMIERES TOMORROW ON HBO MAX. 495 00:29:48,987 --> 00:29:51,890 MICHAEL CHE, EVERYBODY! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ADMIRAL 496 00:29:51,956 --> 00:29:53,324 JAMES STAVRIDIS. 497 00:30:01,299 --> 00:30:04,068 ( APPLAUSE ). WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. 498 00:30:04,135 --> 00:30:06,804 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST WAS A FOUR-STAR ADMIRAL IN 499 00:30:06,871 --> 00:30:10,074 THE U.S. NAVY AND SERVED FOUR YEARS AS SUPREME ALLIED 500 00:30:10,141 --> 00:30:12,544 COMMANDER OF NATO. HIS NEW BOOK IS CALLED, "TO RISK 501 00:30:12,610 --> 00:30:14,479 IT ALL." PLEASE WELCOME, 502 00:30:14,546 --> 00:30:18,750 ADMIRAL JAMES STAVRIDIS. ♪ ♪ ♪ 503 00:30:18,816 --> 00:30:31,863 ( APPLAUSE ) FOR BEING HERE. 504 00:30:31,930 --> 00:30:33,531 >> MY PLEASURE. >> Stephen: WE WILL GET TO 505 00:30:33,598 --> 00:30:35,567 YOUR BOOK IN JUST A MOMENT. HERE IT IS. 506 00:30:35,633 --> 00:30:39,871 IT IS CALLED "TO RISK IT ALL." BEFORE WE GET INTO TALKING ABOUT 507 00:30:39,938 --> 00:30:42,607 NATO AND THE SITUATION IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW AND YOUR BOOK, I 508 00:30:42,674 --> 00:30:50,715 WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT, WELL, A STORY RELATED TO WHAT'S 509 00:30:50,782 --> 00:30:54,018 GOING ON NOW DOWN IN TEXAS. IT HAPPENS TOO OFTEN, THE 510 00:30:54,085 --> 00:30:58,256 TRAGEDIES WE SEE. IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN, THE AR-15 511 00:30:58,323 --> 00:31:02,560 WAS DESIGNED TO BE ESSENTIALLY A CIVILIAN VERSION OF THE M-16 512 00:31:02,627 --> 00:31:05,530 THAT HAS BEEN USED FOR DECADES BY THE U.S. MILITARY. 513 00:31:05,597 --> 00:31:08,099 >> YES. >> Stephen: YOU SPENT 37 YEARS 514 00:31:08,166 --> 00:31:12,670 IN THE MILITARY. YOU-- YOU WERE IN WARS. 515 00:31:12,737 --> 00:31:16,040 YOU SAW BATTLE. DO YOU THINK THAT CIVILIANS 516 00:31:16,107 --> 00:31:19,310 SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO PURCHASE WEAPONS THAT WERE SPECIFICALLY 517 00:31:19,377 --> 00:31:24,582 MEANT TO BE USED IN BATTLE? >> I'LL ANSWER IN THREE WORD: OF 518 00:31:24,649 --> 00:31:31,155 COURSE NOT. ( APPLAUSE ) 519 00:31:31,222 --> 00:31:36,628 I SPENT MY LIFE IN THE PROFESSION OF ARMS. 520 00:31:36,694 --> 00:31:40,465 I CHOSE THE GUN. IUNDERSTAND WHAT THIS MEANS. 521 00:31:40,531 --> 00:31:46,604 I'VE SEEN HARD THINGS IN MY LIFE ON BATTLE FIELDS. 522 00:31:46,671 --> 00:31:48,606 THESE ARE DESTRUCTIVE, POWERFUL WEAPONS. 523 00:31:48,673 --> 00:31:56,014 THEY SHOULD NEVER, PLACED IN THE HAND OF AN AMATEUR OR, 524 00:31:56,080 --> 00:31:58,449 ESSENTIALLY A CHILD. LOOK, YOU HAVE TO BE 21 YEARS 525 00:31:58,516 --> 00:32:00,952 OLD TO BUY A BEER IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 526 00:32:01,019 --> 00:32:04,022 YOU CAN BUY A LONG GUN WHEN YOU'RE 18. 527 00:32:04,088 --> 00:32:07,158 WE'VE GOT IT UPSIDE DOWN. ( APPLAUSE ) 528 00:32:07,225 --> 00:32:14,799 ONE OF THE THINGS-- ONE OF THE THINGS THAT WAS THE SUBJECT OF 529 00:32:14,866 --> 00:32:17,468 MUCH DISCUSSION OVER THE LAST FIVE OR SIX YEARS IS WHAT 530 00:32:17,535 --> 00:32:20,738 AMERICA IS BEGINNING TO LOOK LIKE TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD. 531 00:32:20,805 --> 00:32:24,142 OUR INABILITY TO GOVERN OURSELVES OR TO COMMUNICATE WITH 532 00:32:24,208 --> 00:32:28,846 EACH OTHER AS WE ATTEMPT TO FIND SOME SORT OF COMMON CAUSE IN OUR 533 00:32:28,913 --> 00:32:32,583 GOVERNANCE. WHAT DO YOU THINK THESE KIND OF 534 00:32:32,650 --> 00:32:36,254 EVENTS, THE FIGHTS WE HAVE OVER THINGS LIKE THE SECOND 535 00:32:36,321 --> 00:32:38,456 AMENDMENT, WHAT KIND OF IMAGE DOES THAT PROJECT TO THE REST OF 536 00:32:38,523 --> 00:32:41,726 THE WORLD NOW? >> YOU KNOW, STEPHEN, I JUST 537 00:32:41,793 --> 00:32:43,928 FLEW HERE FROM EUROPE, AND THROUGHOUT MY TIME IN EUROPE 538 00:32:43,995 --> 00:32:46,898 OVER A FEW DAYS, CONSTANTLY PEOPLE WOULD ASK ME, "WHAT IS 539 00:32:46,964 --> 00:32:51,402 GOING ON BACK IN YOUR COUNTRY WITH THESE MASS SHOOTINGS?" 540 00:32:51,469 --> 00:32:56,207 IT IS A TOPIC OF CONVERSATION AMONGST OUR GREATEST POOL OF 541 00:32:56,274 --> 00:32:58,509 ALLIES. AND SO THE ANSWER TO THE 542 00:32:58,576 --> 00:33:02,347 QUESTION IS WE DIMINISH OUR ROLE IN THE WORLD SIGNIFICANTLY. 543 00:33:02,413 --> 00:33:07,719 WE LOSE THE ABILITY TO STEP FORWARD, BE AN EXAMPLE TO THE 544 00:33:07,785 --> 00:33:12,423 WORLD IF WE CANNOT SOLVE THESE PROBLEMS OF DISORDER IN OUR 545 00:33:12,490 --> 00:33:15,193 HOUSE HERE AT HOME. >> Stephen: WELL, LET'S TALK 546 00:33:15,259 --> 00:33:17,462 ABOUT THE UNITED STATES' RELATIONSHIP TO THE REST OF THE 547 00:33:17,528 --> 00:33:20,465 WORLD THROUGH OUR ALLIES IN NATO. 548 00:33:20,531 --> 00:33:26,404 FROM 2009 TO 2013, YOU WERE NATO SUPREME ALLIED COMMANDER, WHICH 549 00:33:26,471 --> 00:33:29,941 IS A FANCY-PANTS TITLE. AND I'M JUST CURIOUS WHAT 550 00:33:30,007 --> 00:33:32,777 EXACTLY DOES "SUPREME ALLIED COMMANDER" DO? 551 00:33:32,844 --> 00:33:37,014 >> IT'S A TERRIFIC QUESTION. YOUR JOB IS TEAM BUILDING. 552 00:33:37,081 --> 00:33:41,953 YOUR JOB IS TO SPEAK TO THE-- AT THE TIME I WAS SUPREME ALLIED 553 00:33:42,019 --> 00:33:48,760 COMMANDER-- THE 28 NATIONS OF NATO, NOW 30-- GOD WILLING 32 554 00:33:48,826 --> 00:33:51,796 SHORTLY WHEN FINLAND AND SWEDEN JOIN. 555 00:33:51,863 --> 00:33:57,702 ( APPLAUSE ) ALL THESE DIFFERENT COUNTRIES 556 00:33:57,769 --> 00:33:59,437 AND GET THEM ON THE SAME SHEET OF MUSIC. 557 00:33:59,504 --> 00:34:03,741 AND THAT SOUNDS PEDESTRIAN. BUT WHEN YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT, 558 00:34:03,808 --> 00:34:09,547 FOR EXAMPLE, A COMBAT MISSION IN AFGHANISTAN, AND YOU HAVE TO 559 00:34:09,614 --> 00:34:16,788 ENCOURAGE THE ICELANDERS AND THE LUXOM BERGERES TO KEPLOY 560 00:34:16,854 --> 00:34:21,325 TROOPS-- SMALL NUMBERS, DUT TROOPS-- ALONGSIDE THE GERMANS 561 00:34:21,392 --> 00:34:26,898 AND THE FRENCH AND THE BRITAINS, IT'S A HUGE MELANGE OF CULTURE. 562 00:34:26,964 --> 00:34:30,067 THE JOB WAS BRINGING THE TEAM TOGETHER, GETTING THE BAND 563 00:34:30,134 --> 00:34:32,303 TOGETHER, AND GETTING US FORWARD ON OUR MISSION S. 564 00:34:32,370 --> 00:34:35,840 >> Stephen: NOW, NATO, WHICH-- IS IT RIGHT THE SORT OF 565 00:34:35,907 --> 00:34:37,708 PUBLIC PERCEPTION DURING THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION THERE 566 00:34:37,775 --> 00:34:41,345 WAS SORT OF FRACTURES IN THE RELATIONSHIPS IN NATO? 567 00:34:41,412 --> 00:34:42,647 >> YES. >> Stephen: OKAY, RIGHT. 568 00:34:42,713 --> 00:34:45,082 AND THAT WAS ALL TO PUTIN'S LIKING. 569 00:34:45,149 --> 00:34:46,417 >> INDEED. >> Stephen: AND HE WAS HOPING 570 00:34:46,484 --> 00:34:49,854 THAT THAT WOULD INCREASE WHEN HE INVADED UKRAINE. 571 00:34:49,921 --> 00:34:53,591 BUT QUITE THE OPPOSITE HAS HAPPENED, EVIDENTLY, AND NOW 572 00:34:53,658 --> 00:34:55,526 FINLAND AND SWEDEN, AS YOU SAID, MIGHT BE JOINING. 573 00:34:55,593 --> 00:35:00,031 >> WHAT'S THAT PROCESS UP? YOU CAN LOOK IT UP, FINLAND, 574 00:35:00,097 --> 00:35:03,768 SWEDEN APPLY TO JOIN NATO, AND YOU'LL SEE PICTURES OF THEIR 575 00:35:03,835 --> 00:35:06,437 AMBASSADORS BRINGING RATHER LARGE DOCUMENTS SEALED WITH WAX 576 00:35:06,504 --> 00:35:09,740 AND SEALS TO APPLY -- >> Stephen: SEALED WITH WAX? 577 00:35:09,807 --> 00:35:12,810 >> IT'S A TRUE FACT. >> Stephen: THAT'S LIKE A 578 00:35:12,877 --> 00:35:16,080 PAPAL EDICT? >> IT'S VERY CLOSE TO THAT, BUT 579 00:35:16,147 --> 00:35:18,049 WE DON'T HAVE TO BURN PAPER TO CHOOSE A NEW SUPREME ALLIED 580 00:35:18,115 --> 00:35:19,250 COMMANDER. IT'S WHITE SMOKE. 581 00:35:19,317 --> 00:35:24,989 BUT I WILL SAY THIS IN DEADLY SERIOUSNESS-- WE WANT, WE NEED 582 00:35:25,056 --> 00:35:26,858 SWEDEN AND FINLAND IN THIS ALLIANCE. 583 00:35:26,924 --> 00:35:31,562 AND LET ME TELL YOU WHY. THESE ARE TWO NATIONS WHO 584 00:35:31,629 --> 00:35:34,265 DEPLOYED ALONGSIDE NATO AGAIN AND AGAIN. 585 00:35:34,332 --> 00:35:38,870 THEY SENT TROOPS TO AFGHANISTAN, TO THE BALKANS, TO LIBYA. 586 00:35:38,936 --> 00:35:41,239 I HAD THESE TROOPS UNDER MY COMMAND. 587 00:35:41,305 --> 00:35:43,074 THEY ARE PROFESSIONAL. THEY ARE BRAVE. 588 00:35:43,140 --> 00:35:45,877 THEY'RE TECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED. 589 00:35:45,943 --> 00:35:48,145 THEY'RE REALLY TALL, WHICH IS ( LAUGHTER ). 590 00:35:48,212 --> 00:35:54,986 HEDGES AND STUFF. >> INDEED, I'M LIKE 5'5", SO THE 591 00:35:55,052 --> 00:36:00,858 SWEDES TO ESSENTIALLY HARASS ME WOULD SEND A SECURITY DETAIL OF 592 00:36:00,925 --> 00:36:04,428 THESE 6'4-"INCH VIKINGS WHICH WOULD FOLLOW ME AROUND THE 593 00:36:04,495 --> 00:36:06,631 BALKANS PROTECTING ME. THOSE ARE THE KIND OF PEOPLE YOU 594 00:36:06,697 --> 00:36:11,369 WANT ON YOUR SIDE-- TALL PEOPLE. >> Stephen: HENRY KISSINGER 595 00:36:11,435 --> 00:36:12,970 SAID SOMETHING INTERESTING RECENTLY. 596 00:36:13,037 --> 00:36:17,842 HE SAID THAT UKRAINE HAS TO GIVE UP SOME LAND TO RUSSIA OR ELSE 597 00:36:17,909 --> 00:36:21,612 IT PUTS RUSSIA SORT OF IN A BAD POSITION, LIKE BACK ON THEIR 598 00:36:21,679 --> 00:36:24,916 HEELS, AND IT WILL LEAD TO GREATER TENSION. 599 00:36:24,982 --> 00:36:26,884 AND I'M WONDERING WHAT YOU THINK OF THAT ASSESSMENT. 600 00:36:26,951 --> 00:36:30,154 DO YOU THINK THAT IT'S A REASONABLE THING TO ASK THE 601 00:36:30,221 --> 00:36:32,256 UKRAINIANS TO GIVE UP SOME LAND? >> I DO NOT. 602 00:36:32,323 --> 00:36:37,094 I THINK, HOWEVER, THESE ARE DECISIONS NOT FOR HENRY 603 00:36:37,161 --> 00:36:41,432 KISSINGER OR JAMES STAVRIDIS OR STEPHEN COLBERT. 604 00:36:41,499 --> 00:36:43,167 THESE ARE DECISIONS FOR UKRAINIANS. 605 00:36:43,234 --> 00:36:47,772 I MEAN THAT VERY SERIOUSLY. OUR JOB IS TO GIVE THE 606 00:36:47,838 --> 00:36:51,709 UKRAINIANS THE MILITARY TOOLS, THE WEAPONS, THE DIPLOMATIC 607 00:36:51,776 --> 00:36:56,013 SUPPORT, THE INTELLIGENCE, THE CYBER SECURITY OVERSIGHT, GIVE 608 00:36:56,080 --> 00:36:58,649 THEM THE TOOLS THAT CREATE OPTIONS FOR THEM. 609 00:36:58,716 --> 00:37:04,522 IF THEY THEN DECIDE TO NEGOTIATE WITH RUSSIA, THAT'S THEIR 610 00:37:04,589 --> 00:37:07,024 CHOICE. >> Stephen: YOU HAVE THE NEW 611 00:37:07,091 --> 00:37:12,263 BOOK "TO RISK IT ALL," THESE ARE ABOUT NINE FAMOUS NAVAL 612 00:37:12,330 --> 00:37:15,032 CONFLICTS AND THE CRITICAL DECISION MAKERS IN THOSE 613 00:37:15,099 --> 00:37:17,168 CONFLICTS. WHO OF THOSE DECISION MAKERS, 614 00:37:17,234 --> 00:37:21,339 WHICH ONE OF THESE CONFLICTS, DO YOU THINK IS THE MOST APPLICABLE 615 00:37:21,405 --> 00:37:24,241 THAT WE COULD LEARN THE MOST FROM IN OUR TIME. 616 00:37:24,308 --> 00:37:27,979 >> I'M GOING TO CHEAT SLIGHTLY AND PICK TWO AND I'M GOING TO DO 617 00:37:28,045 --> 00:37:29,246 IT FAST. >> Stephen: OKAY. 618 00:37:29,313 --> 00:37:33,217 >> NUMBER ONE, BECAUSE ANY NAVY OFFICER IS GOING TO SAY THIS, 619 00:37:33,284 --> 00:37:37,888 JOHN PAUL JONES, WHO FOUGHT FOR THE REPUBLIC IN ITS EARLIEST 620 00:37:37,955 --> 00:37:43,127 DAYS, AND HE WAS IN A TERRIBLE BATTLE, LOSING AWFULLY. 621 00:37:43,194 --> 00:37:48,399 HIS CREW WAS ABANDONING HIM. AND, YET, HE STOOD AND 622 00:37:48,466 --> 00:37:52,670 DELIVERED, AND THESE ARE THE WORDS, "I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO 623 00:37:52,737 --> 00:37:54,005 FIGHT." SO YOU'VE GOT TO LOOK AT THAT 624 00:37:54,071 --> 00:38:00,011 AND THINK OF ZELENSKYY, WHO IS THIS CHARISMATIC FIGURE, WHO IS 625 00:38:00,077 --> 00:38:05,683 LEADING HIS NATION, W WHO IS UTTERLY DETERMINED TO SAVE HIS 626 00:38:05,750 --> 00:38:09,153 COUNTRY, HIS ELDERS, HIS FAMILY, HIS LANGUAGE, HIS CIVILIZATION. 627 00:38:09,220 --> 00:38:13,791 YOU HAVE TO RESPECT THAT. THE SECOND ONE-- AND A STORY I 628 00:38:13,858 --> 00:38:21,999 LOVE IN THE BOOK-- IS ABOUT A NAVY ENLISTED MAN, A SAILOR 629 00:38:22,066 --> 00:38:25,536 NAMED DORY MILLER. HE'S AFRICAN AMERICAN, IN THE 630 00:38:25,603 --> 00:38:27,038 1930s. NOT A LOT OF OPTIONS WHERE HE 631 00:38:27,104 --> 00:38:30,074 COMES FROM IN TEXAS. SO HE JOINS THE NAVY. 632 00:38:30,141 --> 00:38:33,711 THE BAD NEWS IS THE NAVY OF THAT ERA IS SEGREGATED. 633 00:38:33,778 --> 00:38:38,449 IT IS NOT A LOT OF GREAT PLACES HE CAN GO. 634 00:38:38,516 --> 00:38:41,752 AND HE ENDS UP ESSENTIALLY AS A COOK ON ONE OF OUR SHIPS. 635 00:38:41,819 --> 00:38:47,425 BUT HERE'S THE STORY: PEARL HARBOR, THE GUNS ARE FIRING, THE 636 00:38:47,491 --> 00:38:51,362 TORPEDOES ARE LAUNCHED, THE BOMBS ARE DROPPING. 637 00:38:51,429 --> 00:38:56,400 DORY MILLER LEAVES THE WARD ROOM WHERE THE OFFICERS' MESS IS, AND 638 00:38:56,467 --> 00:39:01,439 LITERALLY GOES TO THE GUNS AND HE FINDS HIMSELF WITH AN 639 00:39:01,505 --> 00:39:03,974 ANTI-AIRCRAFT GUN THAT HE REALLY DOESN'T KNOW EXACTLY HOW TO 640 00:39:04,041 --> 00:39:05,376 OPERATE. A COUPLE OF OTHER SAILORS ARE 641 00:39:05,443 --> 00:39:12,850 THERE WITH HIM. THEY LOAD THE GUN AND THEY SHOOT 642 00:39:12,917 --> 00:39:16,087 DOWN TWO JAPANESE FIGHTERS. AFTERWARDS, HE RECEIVES THE NAVY 643 00:39:16,153 --> 00:39:19,390 CROSS, THE SECOND HIGHEST DECORATION OF OUR NATION. 644 00:39:19,457 --> 00:39:23,761 AND THE U.S. NAVY PUNCHLINE ALERT HERE, THE U.S. NAVY 18 645 00:39:23,828 --> 00:39:28,399 MONTHS AGO ANNOUNCED OUR NEXT NUCLEAR AIRCRAFT CARRIER WILL BE 646 00:39:28,466 --> 00:39:34,772 NAMED THE USS DORY MILLER, FIRST ONE NAMEDDA AFTER AN ENLISTED 647 00:39:34,839 --> 00:39:36,006 MAN. >> Stephen: WOW, THAT'S A 648 00:39:36,073 --> 00:39:37,708 GREAT STORY. ADMIRAL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR 649 00:39:37,775 --> 00:39:40,411 BEING HERE. >> THANK YOU SO MUCH, STEPHEN. 650 00:39:40,478 --> 00:39:42,446 >> Stephen: THE BOOK, "TO RISK IT ALL," IS AVAILABLE NOW. 651 00:39:42,513 --> 00:39:44,815 ADMIRAL JAMES STAVRIDIS, EVERYBODY. 652 00:39:44,882 --> 00:39:45,850 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 653 00:40:04,502 --> 00:40:05,803 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW." 654 00:40:05,870 --> 00:40:08,939 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE HUGH DANCY. 655 00:40:09,006 --> 00:40:11,442 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. GOOD NIGHT.