1 00:00:01,234 --> 00:00:02,369 >> MORE THAN HALF OF AMERICANS 2 00:00:02,435 --> 00:00:05,739 WHO SAY THAT THEY CAN'T NAME A SINGLE ASIAN-AMERICAN PUBLIC 3 00:00:05,805 --> 00:00:10,043 FIGURE, 58 PORTION ACTUALLY, ACCORDING TO A SURVEY OF MORE 4 00:00:10,110 --> 00:00:12,345 THAN 5,000 U.S. RESIDENTS, AND THAT IS UP MORE THAN 10 POINTS 5 00:00:12,412 --> 00:00:14,047 FROM LAST YEAR. ( SIGHS ) 6 00:00:14,114 --> 00:00:22,088 >> THANKS, BOYS! 7 00:00:24,224 --> 00:00:28,395 ( SIGHS ) >> THANKS, BOYS! 8 00:00:28,461 --> 00:00:34,067 HERE WE GO. AGAIN! 9 00:01:29,289 --> 00:01:34,027 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT! 10 00:01:34,093 --> 00:01:39,466 ( THEME SONG PLAYS ) TONIGHT, KNEE JERK IN ACTION. 11 00:01:39,532 --> 00:01:42,535 AND JOSH BROLIN TAKES THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT! 12 00:01:42,602 --> 00:01:49,676 PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES HUGH DANCY! 13 00:01:49,742 --> 00:01:53,213 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN." 14 00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:58,318 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 15 00:01:58,384 --> 00:02:05,191 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 16 00:02:05,258 --> 00:02:20,139 ( BAND PLAYING ) 17 00:02:20,206 --> 00:02:21,508 ( BAND PLAYING ) 18 00:02:24,010 --> 00:02:27,480 ( AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR 19 00:02:27,547 --> 00:02:29,182 BEING HERE. PLEASE! 20 00:02:29,249 --> 00:02:32,051 SIT DOWN! HEY, TOM. 21 00:02:32,118 --> 00:02:36,689 WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT'S GOING ON, Y'ALL? 22 00:02:36,756 --> 00:02:38,591 HAPPY THURSDAY. YES, HAPPY THURSDAY. 23 00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:41,160 WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY. 24 00:02:41,227 --> 00:02:43,963 I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. NOW -- 25 00:02:44,030 --> 00:02:49,702 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) -- FOLKS, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT 26 00:02:49,769 --> 00:02:50,837 YOU, BUT I AM PAST READY FOR OUR 27 00:02:50,904 --> 00:02:54,674 ELECTED OFFICIALS TO TAKE ANY ACTION AT ALL ON GUNS. 28 00:02:54,741 --> 00:02:57,544 OKAY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 29 00:02:57,610 --> 00:03:01,881 AND THERE ARE THINGS -- THERE ARE SOME BEDROCK THINGS THEY 30 00:03:01,948 --> 00:03:06,419 COULD DO. THERE ARE ONLY TWO STUMBLING 31 00:03:06,486 --> 00:03:08,021 BLOCKS: ELECTED. 32 00:03:08,087 --> 00:03:09,289 OFFICIALS. BECAUSE, DESPITE THE HORRIFIC 33 00:03:09,355 --> 00:03:11,291 SHOOTING IN UVALDE, TEXAS, THE SENATE JUST SKIPPED TOWN FOR A 34 00:03:11,357 --> 00:03:14,794 TWO-WEEK BREAK WITHOUT ANY ACTION ON GUNS. 35 00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:18,197 CHUCK SCHUMER HAD PLANNED ON PUSHING THROUGH A VOTE TO GET 36 00:03:18,264 --> 00:03:20,934 EVERYONE ON THE RECORD, BUT YESTERDAY HE BAILED, EXPLAINING 37 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:23,236 THERE WAS NO POINT IN DOING SO, GIVEN THAT REPUBLICAN OPPOSITION 38 00:03:23,303 --> 00:03:26,873 WAS ALREADY "CRYSTAL CLEAR." HE'S JUST FOLLOWING THE OLD 39 00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:32,412 ADAGE: "IF AT FIRST, YOU DON'T SUCCEED, BYE-EE!" 40 00:03:32,478 --> 00:03:37,884 ( LAUGHTER ) THE NEW IDEA IS THAT SCHUMER AND 41 00:03:37,951 --> 00:03:40,420 MCCONNELL ARE GOING TO APPOINT PEOPLE TO WORK ON A BIPARTISAN 42 00:03:40,486 --> 00:03:42,822 APPROACH, BUT NO ONE IS OPTIMISTIC. 43 00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:46,793 LEAST OF ALL, INDIANA REPUBLICAN SENATOR MIKE BRAUN, SEEN HERE 44 00:03:46,859 --> 00:03:50,863 SAYING, "YOU CAN TAKE MY FINGER WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM MY COLD, 45 00:03:50,930 --> 00:03:54,801 DEAD HAND." BRAUN EXPRESSED HIS DOUBT USING 46 00:03:54,867 --> 00:03:58,805 THIS UNFORTUNATE METAPHOR: "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE SILVER 47 00:03:58,871 --> 00:04:02,742 BULLET IS." "EAH, JUST SHOOTING FROM THE 48 00:04:02,809 --> 00:04:05,011 HIP HERE-- NONE OF THESE IDEAS ARE ON TARGET, AND WHILE WE GOT 49 00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:07,080 THE PROBLEM IN THE CROSSHAIRS, WE JUST CAN'T PULL THE TRIGGER. 50 00:04:07,146 --> 00:04:08,915 BUT WHEN WE DO, YOU'LL BE BLOWN AWAY. 51 00:04:08,982 --> 00:04:14,887 WHY ARE YOU CRYING?" ( APPLAUSE ) 52 00:04:14,954 --> 00:04:19,092 ( CHEERING ) >> Jon: MM-MMM, MM-MMM, 53 00:04:19,158 --> 00:04:22,161 MM-MMM, NO! >> Stephen: POTENTIAL 54 00:04:22,228 --> 00:04:27,667 SENATORS, PEOPLE RUNNING FOR THE SENATE, ARE ALSO 55 00:04:27,734 --> 00:04:29,235 STRUGGLING WITH WHAT TO DO, ESPECIALLY GEORGIA SENATE 56 00:04:29,302 --> 00:04:32,972 CANDIDATE HERSCHEL WALKER WHO WAS ASKED ABOUT SOLVING GUN 57 00:04:33,039 --> 00:04:34,841 VIOLENCE AND MADE THESE NOISES: >> WHAT WE NEED TO DO IS 58 00:04:34,907 --> 00:04:37,510 LOOK INTO HOW WE CAN STOP THOSE THINGS. 59 00:04:37,577 --> 00:04:41,447 YOU KNOW, THEY TALK ABOUT GOING TO DISINFORMATION. 60 00:04:41,514 --> 00:04:42,815 WHAT ABOUT GETTING A DEPARTMENT THAT CAN LOOK AT YOUNG MEN 61 00:04:42,882 --> 00:04:46,819 THAT'S LOOKING AT WOMEN THAT'S LOOKING AT THEIR SOCIAL MEDIA. 62 00:04:46,886 --> 00:04:56,596 WHAT ABOUT DOING THAT? >> STEPHEN: YEAH, WHAT ABOUT 63 00:04:56,663 --> 00:04:58,798 DOING THAT? ( LAUGHTER ) 64 00:04:58,865 --> 00:05:01,467 IT'S HIGH TIME TO CREATE THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF "LOOKING AT 65 00:05:01,534 --> 00:05:04,170 YOUNG MEN WHO ARE LOOKING AT WOMEN WHO ARE LOOKING AT SOCIAL 66 00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:14,247 MEDIA." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 67 00:05:14,313 --> 00:05:16,549 BUT MOSTLY, CONSERVATIVES BELIEVE THAT THE BEST DEFENSE IS 68 00:05:16,616 --> 00:05:22,288 A STUPID DEFENSE, LIKE THIS LADY ON FOX NEWS: 69 00:05:22,355 --> 00:05:24,157 >> I WOULD LIKE TO SEE A NATIONAL PUSH TOWARD-- INSTEAD 70 00:05:24,223 --> 00:05:27,894 OF PARENTS BUYING THEIR KIDS ALL THESE TOOLS AND TOYS AND 71 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:30,697 GAMES, INVEST IN THE CLASSROOM, TO MAKE IT SAFER. 72 00:05:30,763 --> 00:05:32,465 I MEAN, THEY HAVE BLANKETS THAT YOU CAN PUT UP ON THE WALL THAT 73 00:05:32,532 --> 00:05:36,169 ARE COLORFUL AND BEAUTIFUL, BUT THEY'RE BALLISTIC BLANKETS. 74 00:05:36,235 --> 00:05:44,177 >> Stephen: YES, INSTEAD OF TOYS OR GAMES, PARENTS SHOULD BY 75 00:05:44,243 --> 00:05:46,079 BALLISTIC BLANKETS. THEY'RE SO BEAUTIFUL, THE 76 00:05:46,145 --> 00:05:48,548 KIDS WON'T EVEN REALIZE WE LIVE IN HELL. 77 00:05:48,614 --> 00:05:49,816 ( LAUGHTER ) WHILE OTHER THOUGHTLESS PEOPLE 78 00:05:49,882 --> 00:05:51,517 THINK YOU HAVE TO RETHINK THE ENTIRE SCHOOL LAYOUT, LIKE TEXAS 79 00:05:51,584 --> 00:05:58,291 SENATOR AND MAN PROCLAIMING HE'LL DO HIS OWN PROSTATE EXAM, 80 00:05:58,357 --> 00:06:00,727 -- BOO-BOO. >> Stephen: I AGREE WITH 81 00:06:00,793 --> 00:06:04,030 BOOING BUT I CAN'T SAY THE JOKE WHEN YOU'RE BOOING. 82 00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:07,533 LIKE TEXAS SENATOR AND MAN PROCLAIMING HE'LL DO HIS OWN 83 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:12,805 PROSTATE EXAM, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, TED CRUZ. 84 00:06:12,872 --> 00:06:13,806 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 85 00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:17,276 >> Stephen: BOO, NOW BOO! ( AUDIENCE BOOING ) 86 00:06:17,343 --> 00:06:23,116 >> Stephen: THANK YOU, THAT FELT GOOD. 87 00:06:23,182 --> 00:06:24,450 INSTEAD OF ACCESS TO GUNS CRUZ WANTS TO FOCUS ON A 88 00:06:24,517 --> 00:06:27,153 DIFFERENT KIND OF ACCESS: >> LOOK, THE KILLER ENTERED 89 00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:28,354 HERE THE SAME WAY THE KILLER ENTERED IN SANTA FE-- THROUGH A 90 00:06:28,421 --> 00:06:33,359 BACK DOOR. AN UNLOCKED BACK DOOR. 91 00:06:33,426 --> 00:06:36,162 I SAT DOWN AT ROUNDTABLES WITH THE FAMILIES FROM SANTA FE. 92 00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:40,166 WE TALKED ABOUT WHAT WE NEED TO DO TO HARDEN SCHOOLS, INCLUDING 93 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:44,170 NOT HAVING UNLOCKED BACK DOORS; INCLUDING NOT HAVING UNLOCKED 94 00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,305 DOORS TO CLASSROOM. HAVING ONE DOOR THAT GOES IN AND 95 00:06:46,372 --> 00:06:51,344 OUT OF THE SCHOOL. HAVING ARMED POLICE OFFICERS AT 96 00:06:51,410 --> 00:06:52,378 THAT ONE DOOR. >> STEPHEN: SO, HE JUST WANTS 97 00:06:52,445 --> 00:06:58,284 SENSIBLE DOOR CONTROL. ( LAUGHTER ) 98 00:06:58,351 --> 00:07:03,790 NOW LOOK, INCREASING SECURITY AT SCHOOLS, HARDENING SCHOOLS COULD 99 00:07:03,856 --> 00:07:07,460 BE A GOOD IDEA. BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THE OTHER 100 00:07:07,527 --> 00:07:08,761 PLACES WHERE SHOOTINGS HAPPEN, LIKE MOVIE THEATERS, CHURCHES, 101 00:07:08,828 --> 00:07:10,296 GROCERY STORES, AND EVERYWHERE ELSE IN AMERICA? 102 00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:12,165 IF WE'RE NOT GOING TO GET RID OF THE GUNS, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO 103 00:07:12,231 --> 00:07:21,374 HARDEN EVERYWHERE. YOU KNOW, WE ALREADY HAVE OUR 104 00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:28,247 HEADS IN THE SAND ABOUT THIS. WHY DON'T WE BURROW UNDER THE 105 00:07:28,314 --> 00:07:29,482 GROUND AND THEN JUST CLOSE UP THE HOLE 106 00:07:29,549 --> 00:07:30,783 BEHIND US, AND THEN NOBODY CAN GET IN THERE, SO THERE'S NO WAY 107 00:07:30,850 --> 00:07:32,185 ANYONE WILL GET SHOT. UNLESS THE PEOPLE WE'RE IN THERE 108 00:07:32,251 --> 00:07:36,756 WITH BROUGHT GUNS. SO WE SHOULD PROBABLY EACH GO 109 00:07:36,823 --> 00:07:39,592 INTO OUR INDIVIDUAL, UNDERGROUND SAFETY HOLE. 110 00:07:39,659 --> 00:07:41,127 AND I KNOW SOME OF YOU ARE SAYING, "STEVE, ONCE WE CLOSE 111 00:07:41,194 --> 00:07:44,163 THE HOLE, HOW WILL OUR FRIENDS ABOVE-GROUND FIND US?" 112 00:07:44,230 --> 00:07:46,299 THAT'S EASY. WE'LL PUT UP A MARKER, SOMETHING 113 00:07:46,365 --> 00:07:51,637 PERMANENT, LIKE STONE. AND WE'LL CHISEL OUR NAME 114 00:07:51,704 --> 00:07:53,105 ON THE STONE AND MAYBE THE DATE WE WERE BORN, 115 00:07:53,172 --> 00:07:54,774 AND THE DATE WE WENT DOWN IN THE HOLE. 116 00:07:54,841 --> 00:08:00,179 AND THEN, WE CAN FINALLY REST IN PEACE. 117 00:08:00,246 --> 00:08:05,218 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MAKES SENSE, RIGHT? 118 00:08:05,284 --> 00:08:07,653 >> Jon: MAKES SENSE. >> Stephen: IT WILL WORK. 119 00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:10,957 JUST GIVE IT A SHOT IS WHAT I'M SAYING. 120 00:08:11,023 --> 00:08:14,760 WHEN GUN TRAGEDIES HAPPEN THE G.O.P. LIKES TO BLAME 121 00:08:14,827 --> 00:08:16,195 VIOLENCE IN THE MEDIA. AND THEY'RE RIGHT ABOUT ONE 122 00:08:16,262 --> 00:08:20,166 THING-- THERE IS A LOT OF SENSELESS GUN PLAY ON TV. 123 00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:24,170 SPECIFICALLY IN THE MORE THAN A HUNDRED G.O.P. MIDTERM ADS THIS 124 00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:27,840 YEAR WHICH FEATURE GUNS. THEY'RE BRANDISHING DEADLY 125 00:08:27,907 --> 00:08:33,212 WEAPONS ON TV, AND NO ONE STOPS THEM! 126 00:08:33,279 --> 00:08:38,117 "MEANWHILE!" -- AND THIS IS TRU- ON TUESDAY'S SHOW, THEY MADE ME 127 00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:39,585 BLUR A PICTURE OF A PLANT BECAUSE IT KIND OF LOOKED LIKE A 128 00:08:39,652 --> 00:08:43,956 WIENER! AND IT WASN'T EVEN LOADED! 129 00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:45,658 ( LAUGHTER ) SOME OF THE CAMPAIGN ADS ARE 130 00:08:45,725 --> 00:08:48,160 YOUR RUN-OF-THE-MILL BANG-BANG-IN A FIELD, LIKE THIS 131 00:08:48,227 --> 00:08:51,097 ONE FROM SENATE HOPEFUL DR. OZ. >> MY FATHER TAUGHT ME HOW TO 132 00:08:51,163 --> 00:08:52,398 HANDLE MY FIRST GUN. I TAUGHT MY SON OLIVER HOW TO DO 133 00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:56,102 THE SAME. I'VE BEEN SHOOTING AND HUNTING 134 00:08:56,168 --> 00:08:59,839 MY WHOLE LIFE. SO, WHEN PEOPLE SAY I WON'T 135 00:08:59,906 --> 00:09:00,640 SUPPORT GUNS? (COCKS GUN) 136 00:09:00,706 --> 00:09:06,345 THEY'RE DEAD WRONG. PULL! 137 00:09:06,412 --> 00:09:11,651 (GUNFIRE) ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) 138 00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:15,354 >> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY THE VIBE I WANT FROM MY DOCTOR. 139 00:09:15,421 --> 00:09:16,856 "ALL RIGHT, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR X-RAYS. 140 00:09:16,923 --> 00:09:18,157 PULL! (SHOOTS XRAY) 141 00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:21,627 OOH, YOU GOT A HOLE IN YOUR LEFT ATRIUM!" 142 00:09:21,694 --> 00:09:24,497 ( LAUGHTER ) SOME ADS ARE EVEN WEIRDER 143 00:09:24,563 --> 00:09:28,534 LIKE THIS ONE FROM ALABAMA GOVERNOR KAY IVEY. 144 00:09:28,601 --> 00:09:30,870 >> THE SECOND AMENDMENT IS SACRED, SO I PASSED CONCEALED 145 00:09:30,937 --> 00:09:34,340 CARRY FOR ALABAMIANS TO ARM THEMSELVES WITHOUT GOVERNMENT 146 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:38,344 INTERFERENCE. THAT WAY, YOU DON'T KNOW WHO'S 147 00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:42,348 GOT WHAT IN THEIR PURSE. LIPSTICK. 148 00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:46,786 AN IPHONE. OR MAYBE A LITTLE SMITH & WESSON 149 00:09:46,852 --> 00:09:51,324 .38. ( LAUGHTER ) 150 00:09:51,390 --> 00:09:54,393 >> Stephen: THAT'S A CRAZY AD. I HOPE SHE DOESN'T GOAT THE 151 00:09:54,460 --> 00:10:03,135 CONTENTS OF HER PURSE MIXED UP. HELLO, KAY IVEY SPEAKING. 152 00:10:03,202 --> 00:10:08,107 HELLO, I CAN'T HEAR YOU. I'M SORRY, I HAD THE SAFETY ON. 153 00:10:08,174 --> 00:10:10,343 KAY IVEY SPEAKING. ( APPLAUSE ) 154 00:10:10,409 --> 00:10:16,849 ( LAUGHTER ) GUNS AREN'T JUST BEING PUSHED BY 155 00:10:16,916 --> 00:10:17,950 THE QUAKING ELDERLY. THERE'S ALSO THIS WORD SALAD: 156 00:10:18,017 --> 00:10:19,418 >> BABIES. BORDERS. 157 00:10:19,485 --> 00:10:20,686 BULLETS. VALUES WE CHERISH. 158 00:10:20,753 --> 00:10:22,121 TRUMP PROTECTED THEM AS PRESIDENT. 159 00:10:22,188 --> 00:10:23,589 AND SO WILL JAKE BEQUETTE AS ARKANSAS' NEXT SENATOR. 160 00:10:23,656 --> 00:10:27,560 PRO-GUN, PRO-WALL, PRO-LIFE. BABIES, BORDERS, AND BULLETS. 161 00:10:27,626 --> 00:10:30,229 >> Stephen: OH, MAN! JAKE'S 162 00:10:30,296 --> 00:10:31,897 FREAKING OUT ON THE "B" SECTION OF THE G.O.P. DICTIONARY! 163 00:10:31,964 --> 00:10:32,698 "BABIES! BORDERS! 164 00:10:32,765 --> 00:10:33,566 BULLETS! BACON! 165 00:10:33,632 --> 00:10:35,468 BIG RIGS! BIG-BREASTED BIBLES BUMPIN' 166 00:10:35,534 --> 00:10:45,344 BEFORE BABY B'JESUS!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 167 00:10:45,411 --> 00:10:51,217 BB, WUBBYDUBBY. THERE'S SOME MORE DISTURBING 168 00:10:51,283 --> 00:10:55,121 REVELATIONS ABOUT FORMER PRESIDENT DONNY CRAPPLESEED. 169 00:10:55,187 --> 00:10:57,356 ( LAUGHTER ) THE JANUARY 6 COMMITTEE HAS BEEN 170 00:10:57,423 --> 00:10:59,492 GETTING TESTIMONY FROM FORMER CHIEF OF STAFF AND COLLEGE BUDDY 171 00:10:59,558 --> 00:11:03,763 WHO STILL DOES HIS TERRIBLE AUSTIN POWERS IMPRESSION... 172 00:11:03,829 --> 00:11:05,331 MARK MEADOWS. ACCORDING TO A LEAK FROM THE 173 00:11:05,398 --> 00:11:09,335 COMMITTEE, MEADOWS WAS WITH THE FORMER PRESIDENT DURING THE 174 00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:13,339 INSURRECTION, AND A WITNESS TESTIFIED THAT AFTER THE RIOTERS 175 00:11:13,406 --> 00:11:16,442 STARTED CHANTING "HANG MIKE PENCE!", MEADOWS TOLD COLLEAGUES 176 00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:20,346 THAT THE PRESIDENT SAID SOMETHING TO THE EFFECT OF, 177 00:11:20,413 --> 00:11:23,482 "MAYBE PENCE SHOULD BE HANGED." HE WAS INTO THE IDEA OF KILLING 178 00:11:23,549 --> 00:11:28,421 HIS OWN VICE PRESIDENT. REMINDS ME OF WHEN GEORGE H.W. 179 00:11:28,487 --> 00:11:33,359 BUSH SAID THIS: >> READ MY LIPS. 180 00:11:33,426 --> 00:11:37,196 STAB DAN QUAYLE. >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT 181 00:11:37,263 --> 00:11:41,000 SHOW FOR YOU DO NOT. MY GUEST IS HUGH DANCY, AND I'LL 182 00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:44,870 BE GIVING HIM THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT TO ONE MR. JOSH 183 00:11:44,937 --> 00:11:47,473 BROLIN. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, 184 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,742 "MEANWHILE!"! STICK AROUND. 185 00:12:26,112 --> 00:12:27,780 >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY! 186 00:12:27,847 --> 00:12:39,525 GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY! 187 00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:42,461 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DELIGHTFUL. 188 00:12:42,528 --> 00:12:43,596 TRYING TO. FUL -- DELIGHTFUL. 189 00:12:43,662 --> 00:12:46,732 LOUIS, WE HAVE A COUPLE OF WONDERFUL GUESTS ON TONIGHT. 190 00:12:46,799 --> 00:12:51,537 HUGH DANCY FROM THE NEW "DOWNTON ABBEY" MOVIE IS GOING TO BE 191 00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:52,805 HERE. ( APPLAUSE ) 192 00:12:52,872 --> 00:12:57,943 AND ALSO MR. JOSH BROLIN, MY OLD BUDDY FROM MY RODEO DAYS -- I 193 00:12:58,010 --> 00:13:03,282 WAS A RODEO CLOWN FOR A WHILE -- AND JOSH WILL BE HERE TO TAKE 194 00:13:03,349 --> 00:13:06,452 THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT TONIGHT. ONE TO TO HAVER COLBERT 195 00:13:06,519 --> 00:13:09,688 QUESIONERT'S WE'VE DONE. YOU ALSO HAVE SPECIAL GUEST. 196 00:13:09,755 --> 00:13:20,099 TELL EVERYBODY WHO'S SITTING WITH THE BAND. 197 00:13:20,166 --> 00:13:28,340 >> MR. JAVAN -- TIVON PENNICOTT. >> Stephen: AND WHO'S THE YUNG 198 00:13:28,407 --> 00:13:30,442 LADY. DAVID BYRNE FROM "AMERICAN 199 00:13:30,509 --> 00:13:34,346 UTOPIA" AND WE'VE GOT ANGIE SWAN. 200 00:13:34,413 --> 00:13:43,255 >> Stephen: HI, ANGIE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 201 00:13:43,322 --> 00:13:46,292 >> Stephen: FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME 202 00:13:46,358 --> 00:13:47,826 RIGHT OVER THERE, SURVEYING THE NEWS MARKET FOR THE DAY'S 203 00:13:47,893 --> 00:13:49,495 BIGGEST STORIES, THEN CAREFULLY SELECTING THE FINEST, MOST 204 00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:50,863 TOPICAL BUFFALO NEWS HIDE WHICH I THEN SOAK USING NATURAL PRING 205 00:13:50,930 --> 00:13:52,364 AND LIMEWATER-- ONLY DURING THE COLDER MONTHS-- AND SCRAPE IT 206 00:13:52,431 --> 00:13:54,133 UNTIL IT IS EVENLY TRANSLUCENT AND SUPPLE. 207 00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:55,868 THEN, USING THE TRADITIONAL PUSH-KNIFE METHOD, I DELICATELY 208 00:13:55,935 --> 00:13:57,269 MAKE MORE THAN 3,000 CUTS TO CREATE AN EMOTIVE AND POWERFUL 209 00:13:57,336 --> 00:13:58,804 FIGURINE WHICH I DECORATE WITH GRADATIONS AND CONTRAST, 210 00:13:58,871 --> 00:14:01,907 EMPLOYING THE SHAN-SHE REGION FIVE-COLOR SYSTEM. 211 00:14:01,974 --> 00:14:03,876 THEN I CAREFULLY CONNECT THE FIGURINE'S JOINTS WITH COTTON 212 00:14:03,943 --> 00:14:06,946 THREAD SO THEY CAN BE OPERATED FREELY, AND FIRE UP A PAPER 213 00:14:07,012 --> 00:14:10,816 LANTERN BEHIND A FINE HWONG-JOE SILK SCREEN, AND, BACKED BY A 214 00:14:10,883 --> 00:14:15,654 SUO-NA HORN, A YOO-EH-CHEEN, AND BANHU FIDDLE, I OPERATE NO LESS 215 00:14:15,721 --> 00:14:19,825 THAN FIVE OF THESE FIGURINES AT ONCE, BECOMING THE LIVING 216 00:14:19,892 --> 00:14:22,795 EMBODIMENT OF THE 1,000-HAND GWAN-YIN, TO MOUNT FOR YOU THE 217 00:14:22,861 --> 00:14:26,966 EPIC AND MOVING TONG DYNASTY PI-YING SHADOW PLAY THAT IS MY 218 00:14:27,032 --> 00:14:32,671 MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES-- 219 00:14:32,738 --> 00:14:36,442 SOMETIMES, FOLKS-- IT'S CRAFTSMANSHIP. 220 00:14:36,508 --> 00:14:41,747 >> IT GOES LIKE THAT Y RIGHT THERE. 221 00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:45,284 >> Stephen: SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I AM PECKED 222 00:14:45,351 --> 00:14:46,652 AWAKE BY A DIRTY SEAGULL ON THE INTRA-COASTAL WATERWAY, WHILE 223 00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:47,953 STILL LYING ON THE BACK OF A MANATEE WHO RESCUED ME FROM SOME 224 00:14:48,020 --> 00:14:49,321 ARMS DEALERS I DOUBLE-CROSSED OFF CAPE FEAR, AND WHO THEN 225 00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:52,658 DUMPS ME ON AN ABANDONED WHARF WHERE I SLIP THE DIRTY SOCK OFF 226 00:14:52,725 --> 00:15:01,400 A SEVERED FOOT I FISHED OUT OF A STORM DRAIN, AND SLAP GOOGLY 227 00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:03,535 EYES ON IT MADE FROM TWO MENTOS I PRIED OUT OF THE MOUTH OF A 228 00:15:03,602 --> 00:15:07,406 MANGY COYOTE. THEN I FASHION A KAZOO OUT OF A 229 00:15:07,473 --> 00:15:09,408 POCKET COMB STOLEN FROM A FISHERMAN AND THE WAX PAPER FROM 230 00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:13,412 HIS MEATBALL SUB, TO HONK OUT A DIRGE WHILE YAMMERING A TONE 231 00:15:13,479 --> 00:15:17,416 POEM ABOUT THE DEMONS INFESTING MY BEARD IN THE UNBALANCED MANIC 232 00:15:17,483 --> 00:15:21,487 SOCK PUPPET SHOW OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: 233 00:15:21,553 --> 00:15:31,864 "MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 234 00:15:31,930 --> 00:15:39,638 IT'S A PALLIATIVE CARE, ON SOME LEVELS, "MEANWHILE!." 235 00:15:39,705 --> 00:15:40,639 MEANWHILE -- ( LAUGHTER ) 236 00:15:40,706 --> 00:15:43,509 -- A NEW COMPANY IS "TURNING URINE INTO BEER IN 237 00:15:43,575 --> 00:15:44,877 SINGAPORE." SEEMS LIKE A WASTE, CONSIDERING 238 00:15:44,943 --> 00:15:47,646 THAT BEER'S GOING TO BE URINE AGAIN REAL FAST. 239 00:15:47,713 --> 00:15:49,415 THE BEER IS CALLED NEWBREW, AND "IS MADE OUT OF A LIQUID WHICH 240 00:15:49,481 --> 00:15:55,254 IS RECYCLED FROM SEWAGE." FUN FACT: AFTER PEOPLE DRINK THE 241 00:15:55,321 --> 00:16:01,293 SEWAGE BEER, THEIR URINE IS BOTTLED AS NATTY LIGHT. 242 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:01,960 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 243 00:16:02,027 --> 00:16:03,529 I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. 244 00:16:03,595 --> 00:16:07,599 MAYBE IT'S GOOD. ON A HOT DAY, I DON'T KNOW. 245 00:16:07,666 --> 00:16:09,401 MEANWHILE, "KRIS JENNER IS URGING KENDALL JENNER TO FREEZE 246 00:16:09,468 --> 00:16:13,639 HER EGGS." DAMN STRAIGHT. 247 00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:15,541 WE HAVE TO MAINTAIN AMERICA'S STRATEGIC RESERVE OF 248 00:16:15,607 --> 00:16:21,013 KARDASHIANS. "OH, YOU'RE SAYING, STOP BEING 249 00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:22,147 SUCH AN ALARMIST, STEVE. WE CAN MAKE DO WITH OUR PRESENT 250 00:16:22,214 --> 00:16:24,683 STOCKPILE." OH, REALLY? 251 00:16:24,750 --> 00:16:27,553 YOU'LL BE SINGING A DIFFERENT TUNE WHEN AUSTRALIA IS 252 00:16:27,619 --> 00:16:33,392 HEMSWORTHING US FROM ONE END WHILE SWEDEN SKAARSGAARDS US 253 00:16:33,459 --> 00:16:35,394 FROM THE OTHER! ( LAUGHTER ) 254 00:16:35,461 --> 00:16:38,630 ( APPLAUSE ) DOESN'T SOUND TOO BAD, REALLY. 255 00:16:38,697 --> 00:16:43,502 THAT DOESN'T SOUND TOO BAD. MEANWHILE, "OREO AND RITZ HAVE 256 00:16:43,569 --> 00:16:47,473 TEAMED UP FOR A COOKIE-CRACKER COLLAB." 257 00:16:47,539 --> 00:16:49,408 IT'S SALTY. IT'S SWEET. 258 00:16:49,475 --> 00:16:51,543 IT'S PEANUT BUTTER. IT'S WHATEVER THE WHITE STUFF 259 00:16:51,610 --> 00:16:53,412 IS. I WANT TO SAY, SWEET CRISCO 260 00:16:53,479 --> 00:17:01,420 CAULK? ( LAUGHTER ) 261 00:17:01,487 --> 00:17:08,894 ( APPLAUSE ) ALSO A FUN PHRASE TO YELL WHEN 262 00:17:08,961 --> 00:17:15,534 YOU'RE ANGRY, SWEET CRISCO CAULK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! 263 00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:17,403 ( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS THE PERFECT SNACK FOR 264 00:17:17,469 --> 00:17:19,671 ANYONE WHO EVER SAID, "I WANT TO RUIN MY TEETH, BUT I ALSO WANT 265 00:17:19,738 --> 00:17:24,943 TO DESTROY MY HEART. THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY!" 266 00:17:25,010 --> 00:17:25,944 ( LAUGHTER ) TRAGICALLY, THESE AREN'T 267 00:17:26,011 --> 00:17:29,415 AVAILABLE FOR SALE. THE COMPANY WILL "GIVE 1,000 268 00:17:29,481 --> 00:17:32,484 LUCKY FANS THE FREE COOKIE-CRACKER PACKS." 269 00:17:32,551 --> 00:17:37,389 FORTUNATELY, I HAVE THE RECIPE TO MAKE THESE AT HOME. 270 00:17:37,456 --> 00:17:40,859 ALL YOU NEED IS ONE PACK OF PEANUT BUTTER RITZ CRACKERS, ONE 271 00:17:40,926 --> 00:17:45,397 PACK OF OREOS, AND UNDIAGNOSED DEPRESSION. 272 00:17:45,464 --> 00:17:55,507 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 273 00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:59,278 MEANWHILE, IN JAPAN, A "MAN SPENT $15K ON A HIGH-TECH DOG 274 00:17:59,344 --> 00:18:02,881 COSTUME TO FULFILL HIS LIFELONG DREAM," WHICH IS SO REALISTIC IT 275 00:18:02,948 --> 00:18:05,417 "TOOK 40 DAYS AND MULTIPLE REVISIONS TO CREATE." 276 00:18:05,484 --> 00:18:13,392 AND HE NAILED IT. THAT IS A GUY IN A DOG SUIT! 277 00:18:13,459 --> 00:18:16,094 EVERY DETAIL HAS BEEN THOUGHT OF, RIGHT DOWN TO HOW IT USES A 278 00:18:16,161 --> 00:18:17,596 PING PONG PADDLE. JUST LIKE A REAL DOG! 279 00:18:17,663 --> 00:18:20,332 REMINDS ME OF THAT CLASSIC EPISODE OF "LASSIE:" 280 00:18:20,399 --> 00:18:22,668 "WHAT'S THAT, GIRL? TIMMY'S STUCK IN A WELL? 281 00:18:22,734 --> 00:18:23,702 AND YOU'RE A GROWN MAN IN A $15,000 DOG COSTUME? 282 00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:25,204 YOU'RE REALLY KILLING IT WITH THAT PING PONG BALL. 283 00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:28,574 DO I WANT TO WHAT? NO, I'M NOT INTO THAT SCENE. 284 00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:34,246 I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU CUT THE HOLE." 285 00:18:34,313 --> 00:18:35,747 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 286 00:18:35,814 --> 00:18:41,053 I GOT DARK. THAT GOT DARK REALLY FAST. 287 00:18:41,119 --> 00:18:45,858 MEANWHILE, IN HOT DOG FILLER NEWS, "A CRASHED TRUCK SPEWED 288 00:18:45,924 --> 00:18:48,994 15,000 POUNDS OF HOT DOG FILLER ACROSS A PENNSYLVANIA HIGHWAY." 289 00:18:49,061 --> 00:18:54,867 THERE IT IS. ALL OF THAT GOES IN YOUR 290 00:18:54,933 --> 00:18:57,970 HOTDOGS. AND I MEAN ALL OF IT. 291 00:18:58,036 --> 00:19:00,973 THE PINK SLURRY, THE BAGS, THE BOXES, THE TRUCK, THE GRAVEL. 292 00:19:01,039 --> 00:19:02,508 THEY JUST DRIVE THAT SEMI RIGHT ONTO THE ASSEMBLY LINE AND THE 293 00:19:02,574 --> 00:19:07,012 DRIVER JUMPS OUT. HOPEFULLY. 294 00:19:07,079 --> 00:19:10,883 OOH, Y OUKNOW WHAT I BET WOULD BE GREAT TO DIP IN THAT? 295 00:19:10,949 --> 00:19:14,586 OREO RITZ. MMM. 296 00:19:14,653 --> 00:19:18,790 MMM. MMM. 297 00:19:18,857 --> 00:19:19,825 MMM. ( APPLAUSE ) 298 00:19:19,892 --> 00:19:24,997 THE PERFECT BALANCE OF SALTY, SWEET, AND HOG ANUS. 299 00:19:25,063 --> 00:19:33,705 ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S ANOTHER FUN THING TO YEL! 300 00:19:33,772 --> 00:19:41,446 WHWHAT WERE YOU THINKING? ( LAUGHTER ) 301 00:19:41,513 --> 00:19:42,881 MEANWHILE -- "BREAST-FEEDING-MOTHERS-RESCUING 302 00:19:42,948 --> 00:19:45,183 -PET-GEESE-FROM-EAGLE-ATTACKS" NEWS, A "BREAST-FEEDING MOTHER 303 00:19:45,250 --> 00:19:49,021 RESCUED HER PET GOOSE FROM AN EAGLE ATTACK." 304 00:19:49,087 --> 00:19:51,290 THE FOOTAGE WENT VIRAL TODAY OF AN EAGLE ATTACKING THIS PET 305 00:19:51,356 --> 00:19:54,860 GOOSE IN A DRIVEWAY AND TRYING TO DRAG IT OFF, WHEN PLAYERS 306 00:19:54,927 --> 00:19:58,864 THREE AND FOUR ENTER THE GAME: MOM AND BABY-AT-THE-BREAST 307 00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:03,969 CHASING OFF AN APEX PREDATOR! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 308 00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:09,675 GOOD FOR HER! SKILL IN HER SCIVVIES! 309 00:20:09,741 --> 00:20:10,876 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS ALL TOOK PLACE IN BRITISH 310 00:20:10,943 --> 00:20:13,078 COLUMBIA, CANADA. AND YOU CAN TELL IT'S IN CANADA 311 00:20:13,145 --> 00:20:17,716 IF YOU LISTEN CLOSELY TO THE UNIQUE, REGIONAL EAGLE'S CRY: 312 00:20:17,783 --> 00:20:21,453 >> SOORY, SOORY, SOORY! TIM HORTON'S! 313 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:26,458 >> STEPHEN: WHEN WE COME BACK, I GIVE THE "COLBERT QUESTIONERT" 314 00:20:26,525 --> 00:20:28,560 TO JOSH BROLIN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 315 00:20:42,541 --> 00:20:46,445 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK! 316 00:20:46,511 --> 00:20:50,382 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 317 00:20:50,449 --> 00:20:51,683 FOLKS, ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT 318 00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:54,186 DOING THIS SHOW IS GETTING TO TALK TO ALL SORTS OF FASCINATING 319 00:20:54,252 --> 00:20:55,821 PEOPLE. AND OCCASIONALLY-- WHEN A GUES 320 00:20:55,887 --> 00:20:58,624 IS BRAVE ENOUGH-- I GET TO DO MORE THAN JUST INTERVIEW THEM. 321 00:20:58,690 --> 00:21:00,292 I GET TO DELVE INTO THE DEPTHS OF THEIR PSYCHE WITH WHAT 322 00:21:00,359 --> 00:21:06,898 HISTORIANS WILL CALL "THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT." 323 00:21:06,965 --> 00:21:08,166 RECENTLY, JOSH BROLIN, STAR OF "DUNE," "OUTER RANGE," AND 324 00:21:08,233 --> 00:21:10,936 "AVENGERS: ENDGAME," STOPPED BY "THE LATE SHOW," AND THANOS 325 00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:23,915 HIMSELF HAD THE SWINGING INFINITY STONES TO TAKE THE C.Q. 326 00:21:23,982 --> 00:21:25,984 ♪♪ JOSH, YOU KNOW, IT'S ALWAYS FUN 327 00:21:26,051 --> 00:21:28,620 TO HAVE YOU ON. IT'S ALWAYS A TREAT. 328 00:21:28,687 --> 00:21:30,389 >> ALWAYS FUN TO BE ON. >> Stephen: I KNOW IT'S GOING 329 00:21:30,455 --> 00:21:34,526 TO BE A GOOD SPHWER VIEW AND AN HONEST ONE BECAUSE YOU SHOOT 330 00:21:34,593 --> 00:21:36,828 FROM THE HIP. >> I'VE LEARNED FROM THE BEST. 331 00:21:36,895 --> 00:21:39,698 >> Stephen: YOU'RE WELCOME. BUT EVEN THE FACT THAT YOU AND I 332 00:21:39,765 --> 00:21:43,201 HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR YEARS, WE USED TO BARREL RIDE TOGETHER 333 00:21:43,268 --> 00:21:44,936 OUT WEST. >> WE DID. 334 00:21:45,003 --> 00:21:48,040 >> Stephen: AND THE RODEO CIRCUIT. 335 00:21:48,106 --> 00:21:49,908 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: BUT EVEN -- I 336 00:21:49,975 --> 00:21:55,414 DON'T GET TO KNOW YOU AS WELL AS I'D LIKE WHEN YOU'RE OUT HERE 337 00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:57,516 ONLY TEN OR 15 MINUTES OF A TIME. 338 00:21:57,582 --> 00:21:59,484 >> COME ON WITH ME. >> Stephen: I'LL DO THAT BUT I 339 00:21:59,551 --> 00:22:04,122 HAVE A QUIZ TO GIVE YOU BECAUSE PEOPLE IN THE "LATE SHOW" LABS 340 00:22:04,189 --> 00:22:10,062 COME UP WITH 15 QUESTIONS CALLED THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT DESIGNED 341 00:22:10,128 --> 00:22:13,899 TO PLUM THE DEPTHS OF MY GUEST. >> LIKE AN ACTOR STUDIO THING. 342 00:22:13,965 --> 00:22:17,302 >> Stephen: VERY MUCH BUT CLASSIER. 343 00:22:17,369 --> 00:22:18,537 >> CLASSIER. >> Stephen: ARE YOU READY TO 344 00:22:18,603 --> 00:22:22,274 TAKE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT? >> YEAH, LET ME TAKE A SIP. 345 00:22:22,340 --> 00:22:25,343 >> Stephen: OKAY, HERE WEARING. 346 00:22:25,410 --> 00:22:27,145 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HAVE YOU REVIEWED ANY OF THESE 347 00:22:27,212 --> 00:22:27,913 QUESTIONS? >> I HAVE NOT. 348 00:22:27,979 --> 00:22:31,550 >> Stephen: SO THIS IS ALL FRESH. 349 00:22:31,616 --> 00:22:33,318 HERE WE GO. >> NO, NOT ALL FRESH. 350 00:22:33,385 --> 00:22:38,457 I SAW JEN LAWRENCE TO IT, SAW ONE QUESTION QUESTION, AND I 351 00:22:38,523 --> 00:22:40,926 TURNED IT OFF. SO SOMEWHERE IN THERE IS THAT 352 00:22:40,992 --> 00:22:42,427 QUESTION. >> Stephen: SO YOU DON'T WANT 353 00:22:42,494 --> 00:22:44,463 TO STEAL THE QUESTION. >> NO. 354 00:22:44,529 --> 00:22:47,799 >> Stephen: JOSH BROLIN, WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH? 355 00:22:47,866 --> 00:22:52,838 >> WHEN I LIVED IN NEW YORK, A RUBEN FROM LENNY'S. 356 00:22:52,904 --> 00:22:55,240 >> Stephen: THAT WAS A GOOD ANSWER. 357 00:22:55,307 --> 00:22:57,309 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: WHAT IS THE ONE 358 00:22:57,375 --> 00:23:00,979 THING YOU OWN THAT YOU SHOULD REALLY THROW OUT? 359 00:23:01,046 --> 00:23:04,783 >> OH, GOD, I UH HATE THE THING THAT JUST POPPED IN MY HEAD. 360 00:23:04,850 --> 00:23:08,353 >> Stephen: SAY IT. NO, IT'S A HUMAN BEING! 361 00:23:08,420 --> 00:23:11,256 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WHISPER IT. 362 00:23:11,323 --> 00:23:15,327 YOU CAN WHISPER IT IN MY HEAR AND I'LL DECIDE WHETHER YOU CAN 363 00:23:15,393 --> 00:23:18,797 TELL ANYBODY. COME ON, JUST WRITE IT DOWN. 364 00:23:18,864 --> 00:23:28,473 >> NO. THIS QUESTIONERT IS A SHAME 365 00:23:28,540 --> 00:23:31,610 QUESTIONERT. >> Stephen: FIRST THE ONE 366 00:23:31,676 --> 00:23:34,446 THING YOU OWN THAT YOU SHOULD THROW OUT. 367 00:23:34,513 --> 00:23:38,150 >> THAT PERSON CAN NEVER LEAVE. COME ON, JOSH! 368 00:23:38,216 --> 00:23:41,153 ONE THING I OWN THAT I SHOULD REALLY THROW OUT. 369 00:23:41,219 --> 00:23:45,690 >> Stephen: LIKE SOMETHING IN THE BARN. 370 00:23:45,757 --> 00:23:47,459 >> A SURF BOARD I WAS GIFTED THAT I CAN'T BE ON ANYMORE 371 00:23:47,526 --> 00:23:49,227 BECAUSE MY BACK HURTS. >> Stephen: DONE. 372 00:23:49,294 --> 00:23:53,532 WHAT IS THE SCARIEST ANIMAL? >> A WOLF BECAUSE I GREW UP WITH 373 00:23:53,598 --> 00:23:57,435 WOLVES. MY MOM RAN A WILDLIFE WEIGH 374 00:23:57,502 --> 00:24:00,572 STATION. WE HAD TO CLEAN CAGES FROM SEVEN 375 00:24:00,639 --> 00:24:03,508 YEARS OLD ON. TOTALLY IRRESPONSIBLE OF MY 376 00:24:03,575 --> 00:24:04,442 MOTHER. ( LAUGHTER ) 377 00:24:04,509 --> 00:24:06,545 >> Stephen: DID THE WOLVES GIVE YOU THE LOOK. 378 00:24:06,611 --> 00:24:10,816 >> I LOVE THEM. BUT IF YOU LOOK AWAY TOO LONG 379 00:24:10,882 --> 00:24:14,820 YOU BECOME PREY. YOU BECOME A CARTOON WHERE YOU 380 00:24:14,886 --> 00:24:18,824 START STEAMING. IF YOU STARE AT THEM TOO MUCH 381 00:24:18,890 --> 00:24:22,627 THEY SEE IT AS AN AFFRONT AND WANT TO ATTACK YOU. 382 00:24:22,694 --> 00:24:25,864 THERE'S NO REASON A 7-YEAR-OLD SHOULD BE IN A WOLF CAGE, 383 00:24:25,931 --> 00:24:27,666 PERIOD. >> Stephen: I READ DOGS 384 00:24:27,732 --> 00:24:32,804 DEVELOPED AN EXTRA MUSCLE RIGHT HERE THAT WOLVES DON'T HAVE THAT 385 00:24:32,871 --> 00:24:36,074 MAKES THEM GIVE YOU THE PUBY EYE THING. 386 00:24:36,141 --> 00:24:39,110 >> THAT'S A SUBMISSIVE THING. >> Stephen: IT'S EVOLUTIONARY. 387 00:24:39,177 --> 00:24:42,080 YOU DO HAVE THAT KIND OF THING, A LITTLE BIT. 388 00:24:42,147 --> 00:24:44,182 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES? 389 00:24:44,249 --> 00:24:48,987 APPLES BECAUSE MY DAUGHTERS LOVE THEM RIGHT NOW. 390 00:24:49,054 --> 00:24:51,256 >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT. HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR 391 00:24:51,323 --> 00:24:53,391 THEIR AUTOGRAPH? >> YES. 392 00:24:53,458 --> 00:24:55,694 >> Stephen: WHO? RAY BRADBURY. 393 00:24:55,760 --> 00:25:00,699 >> Stephen: WE GOING TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW? 394 00:25:00,765 --> 00:25:06,771 >> I ANSWERED THE QUESTION. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 395 00:25:06,838 --> 00:25:09,441 >> Stephen: OKAY. SO THIS HERE -- 396 00:25:09,507 --> 00:25:11,843 >> I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO CONTINUE THIS. 397 00:25:11,910 --> 00:25:13,545 >> Stephen: I'LL ASK QUESTIONS. 398 00:25:13,612 --> 00:25:15,447 HERE WE GO. RAY BRADBURY. 399 00:25:15,513 --> 00:25:18,783 THAT IS AN EXCELLENT -- YOU A FAN. 400 00:25:18,850 --> 00:25:21,519 >> I LOVE RAY BRADBURY. >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A 401 00:25:21,586 --> 00:25:22,787 FAVORITE STORY. >> A STORY? 402 00:25:22,854 --> 00:25:28,193 HE HAD A VERY RED FACE WHEN I MET HIM, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT 403 00:25:28,260 --> 00:25:30,996 WAS ABOUT BUT WE HAD A VERY RED FACE. 404 00:25:31,062 --> 00:25:32,998 >> Stephen: WE HAVEN'T STARTED YET. 405 00:25:33,064 --> 00:25:36,601 >> SORRY. >> Stephen: I KNOW YOU'RE A 406 00:25:36,668 --> 00:25:37,469 CHEATER. ( LAUGHTER ) 407 00:25:37,535 --> 00:25:38,970 OH, MAN. >> NO, THERE'S NOTHING THERE. 408 00:25:39,037 --> 00:25:48,947 BY THE WAY, I BROKE MY COLLARBONE, SCAPULA, A TORN 409 00:25:49,014 --> 00:25:51,883 LABRUM AND I HAVE A TORN LABRUM RIGHT NOW. 410 00:25:51,950 --> 00:25:55,720 THE ONLY WAY YOU WILL EVER WIN IS IF I'M ASLEEP OR DEAD. 411 00:25:55,787 --> 00:25:58,990 >> Stephen: WHILE YOU WERE FEEDING WOLVES AND RIDING HORSES 412 00:25:59,057 --> 00:26:01,760 I WAS PLAYING DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS. 413 00:26:01,826 --> 00:26:06,831 SO LET'S LOWER OUR EXPECTATIONS, JOSH BROLIN. 414 00:26:06,898 --> 00:26:07,732 >> READY? >> Stephen: JOSH BROLIN, WHAT 415 00:26:07,799 --> 00:26:10,302 DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE? 416 00:26:10,368 --> 00:26:12,771 ONE, TWO, THREE, GO. >> GO. 417 00:26:12,837 --> 00:26:16,474 OH, GOD, YOU'VE GOTTEN SO MUCH STRONGER. 418 00:26:16,541 --> 00:26:25,550 WHY IS IT SHAKING SO MUCH? ( LAUGHTER ) 419 00:26:25,617 --> 00:26:30,155 OH! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 420 00:26:30,221 --> 00:26:40,098 >> Stephen: ARE YOU HAPPY? WHEN WE COME BACK, I CONFESS TO 421 00:26:40,165 --> 00:26:41,533 JOSH BROLIN THAT I'VE NEVER SEEN ONE OF HIS MOST FAMOUS FILMS. 422 00:26:41,599 --> 00:26:43,068 HE DOESN'T TAKE IT WELL. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 423 00:26:50,175 --> 00:26:54,679 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK. 424 00:26:54,746 --> 00:26:58,616 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AND NOW, THE DRAMATIC CONCLUSION 425 00:26:58,683 --> 00:27:05,490 OF JOSH BROLIN'S "COLBERT QUESTIONERT." 426 00:27:05,557 --> 00:27:06,891 ♪♪ WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN 427 00:27:06,958 --> 00:27:09,828 WE DIE, JOSH BROLIN? >> OH, IS THAT ONE OF THE 428 00:27:09,894 --> 00:27:11,363 QUESTIONS? >> Stephen: YEAH, I WASN'T 429 00:27:11,429 --> 00:27:14,366 JUST TRYING TO PSYCH YOU OUT! ( LAUGHTER ) 430 00:27:14,432 --> 00:27:20,972 >> WELL, I THOUGHT YOU WERE. ( SHOUTING ) 431 00:27:21,039 --> 00:27:25,577 >> GOONIES NEVER SAY DIE! THAT WAS THE ANSWER! 432 00:27:25,643 --> 00:27:28,913 >> Stephen: GOONIES NEVER SAY DIE. 433 00:27:28,980 --> 00:27:31,883 I'VE NEVER SEEN GOONIES. >> EVER? 434 00:27:31,950 --> 00:27:33,551 >> Stephen: I'M A LITTLE TOO OLD. 435 00:27:33,618 --> 00:27:37,389 >> YOU'RE THE ONE? >> Stephen: I'M JUST A LITTLE 436 00:27:37,455 --> 00:27:40,992 TOO OLD. >> THERE'S NEVER TOO OLD FOR 437 00:27:41,059 --> 00:27:42,961 GOONIES. THERE'S GENERATION AFTER 438 00:27:43,028 --> 00:27:45,196 GENERATION -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 439 00:27:45,263 --> 00:27:46,765 THAT'S SO SAD! >> Stephen: I'M GOING TO WATCH 440 00:27:46,831 --> 00:27:48,900 IT AND CALL YOU UP AFTER I WATCH IT. 441 00:27:48,967 --> 00:27:52,404 >> YOU HAVE TO, LITERALLY. >> Stephen: DO YOU PLAY THE 442 00:27:52,470 --> 00:27:58,176 GOONEY? I'LL GIVE YOU A -- 443 00:27:58,243 --> 00:28:03,348 >> I'LL GIVE YOU A NUMBER. NOT MINE, BUT I'LL GIVE YOU 444 00:28:03,415 --> 00:28:05,417 SOMEBODY'S. >> Stephen: FIVE. 445 00:28:05,483 --> 00:28:10,989 I'VE NEVER SEEN GOONIES. >> Stephen: NEVER SEEN GOONIES 446 00:28:11,056 --> 00:28:12,590 OR "SHAWSHANK." >> JAWS? 447 00:28:12,657 --> 00:28:16,661 I'VE SEEN JAWS. >> WELL, "SHAWSHANK" IS ONE OF 448 00:28:16,728 --> 00:28:23,234 THOSE THINGS. YOU CAN'T SAY, I'VE SEEN JAWS, 449 00:28:23,301 --> 00:28:25,403 IS GOONIES GOOD? >> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER SEEN 450 00:28:25,470 --> 00:28:32,710 ANY OF THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS? >> WHY? 451 00:28:32,777 --> 00:28:34,079 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: I'M JUST SAYING 452 00:28:34,145 --> 00:28:36,081 THERE WAS ONLY ONE GOONIES, THERE'S GOING TO BE TEN FAST AND 453 00:28:36,147 --> 00:28:40,218 FURIOUS-S. >> WHATEVER. 454 00:28:40,285 --> 00:28:44,055 >> Stephen: WHY AREN'T YOU IN THE FAST OR FURIOUS. 455 00:28:44,122 --> 00:28:48,026 >> BECAUSE I'M DOING THAT WESTERN THANG INSTEAD! 456 00:28:48,093 --> 00:28:49,427 NEXT QUESTION. >> Stephen: YEAH. 457 00:28:49,494 --> 00:28:52,330 I THINK YOU'RE BEING MEAN TO ME. >> I'M NOT. 458 00:28:52,397 --> 00:28:54,332 YOU SAY THAT EVERY TIME I COME ON HERE. 459 00:28:54,399 --> 00:28:59,104 >> Stephen: EVERY TIME YOU'RE ON I THINK YOU'RE MEAN TO ME. 460 00:28:59,170 --> 00:29:02,073 >> BECAUSE I BEAT YOU ARM WRESTLING AND YOU'RE -- 461 00:29:02,140 --> 00:29:05,243 >> Stephen: I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT TO ARM WRESTLE YOU. 462 00:29:05,310 --> 00:29:09,781 I TOLD YOU I NEEDED TO HIT THE PREACHER CURL MACHINE. 463 00:29:09,848 --> 00:29:12,283 >> JUST DO IT. GO. 464 00:29:12,350 --> 00:29:18,823 OH, MY GOD ( BLEEP ). NO, DO IT, GO, GO, GO! 465 00:29:18,890 --> 00:29:19,724 AAAHHH! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 466 00:29:19,791 --> 00:29:21,893 >> Stephen: TAKE THAT OUT. TAKE THAT OUT. 467 00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:25,864 EDIT THAT OUT. I WILL NOT TAKE YOUR PITY. 468 00:29:25,930 --> 00:29:27,932 >> THIS IS WHEN ACTING IS LIFE. ( LAUGHTER ) 469 00:29:27,999 --> 00:29:30,835 >> Stephen: FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE. 470 00:29:30,902 --> 00:29:33,872 >> OH, GOD, YOU JUST SAID FAST AND FURIOUS. 471 00:29:33,938 --> 00:29:39,677 LETHAL WEAPON. >> Stephen: QUALITY. 472 00:29:39,744 --> 00:29:40,712 QUALITY. FIRST ONE. 473 00:29:40,778 --> 00:29:44,415 >> Stephen: WINDOW OR AISLE? OH, AISLE. 474 00:29:44,482 --> 00:29:47,418 I WANT AN ESCAPE, EVEN THOUGH THERE'S NOWHERE TO GO. 475 00:29:47,485 --> 00:29:52,757 >> Stephen: WELL, I WANT TO BE ABLE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. 476 00:29:52,824 --> 00:29:55,693 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: FAVORITE SMELL. 477 00:29:55,760 --> 00:29:58,229 FAVORITE SMELL? UM -- 478 00:29:58,296 --> 00:29:59,364 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THIS IS YOURS, BY 479 00:29:59,430 --> 00:30:03,701 THE WAY. >> I FEEL DIRTY WHEN I TALK TO 480 00:30:03,768 --> 00:30:14,546 YOU. IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, CHILDREN'S 481 00:30:14,612 --> 00:30:15,446 SCALPS. >> Stephen: THERE'S A POINT 482 00:30:15,513 --> 00:30:17,282 WHERE THEY LOSE IT, ONE TO THREE. 483 00:30:17,348 --> 00:30:20,151 >> THAT'S THE THING, I HAVE A ONE-YEAR-OLD AND A 484 00:30:20,218 --> 00:30:22,754 THREE-YEAR-OLD NOW SO I'M CON FUMEDLY THAT. 485 00:30:22,820 --> 00:30:27,692 >> Stephen: LEAST FAVORITE SMELL? 486 00:30:27,759 --> 00:30:37,268 >> UM -- PRRRR -- I DON'T LIKE NOT KNOWING WHO IT'S COMING 487 00:30:37,335 --> 00:30:38,503 FROM. I WANT TO KNOW THE PERSON AND 488 00:30:38,570 --> 00:30:44,576 GIVE THEM A LOOK. DUDE -- EVEN IF IT'S A GIRL YOU 489 00:30:44,642 --> 00:30:50,915 SAY, DUDE. >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT 490 00:30:50,982 --> 00:30:52,650 GENTLEMANLY. >> NO, GIRLS DON'T DO THAT. 491 00:30:52,717 --> 00:30:55,420 >> Stephen: THEY GLOW. ( LAUGHTER ) 492 00:30:55,486 --> 00:30:58,690 >> Stephen: MOST USED APP ON YOUR PHONE. 493 00:30:58,756 --> 00:31:00,892 >> PROBABLY INSTAGRAM. I DON'T LIKE SAYING THAT BUT 494 00:31:00,959 --> 00:31:02,193 IT'S TRUE. >> Stephen: FINE. 495 00:31:02,260 --> 00:31:04,295 NO SHAME THERE. >> WELL, A LITTLE BIT. 496 00:31:04,362 --> 00:31:07,699 >> Stephen: CATS OR DOGS? UM, I LIKE THEM BOTH, BUT 497 00:31:07,765 --> 00:31:08,967 PROBABLY DOGS. >> Stephen: OKAY. 498 00:31:09,033 --> 00:31:12,704 YOU ONLY GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? 499 00:31:12,770 --> 00:31:18,343 WHAT IS IT? >> DESTROYER BY KISS. 500 00:31:18,409 --> 00:31:19,244 ( LAUGHTER ) LED ZEPPLIN. 501 00:31:19,310 --> 00:31:21,646 >> Stephen: WHICH ONE? THERE ARE SO MANY. 502 00:31:21,713 --> 00:31:25,750 >> I KNOW THERE'S A LOT. STAIRWAY TO ELEVEN HEAVEN IS 503 00:31:25,817 --> 00:31:27,885 GREAT BUT IT'S OVERPLAYED RIGHT NOW. 504 00:31:27,952 --> 00:31:29,687 FREE BIRD. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 505 00:31:29,754 --> 00:31:31,689 >> Stephen: LIVE. LIVE. 506 00:31:31,756 --> 00:31:35,260 FREE BIRD. >> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I 507 00:31:35,326 --> 00:31:38,129 THINKING OF. >> IT'S LONG, TOO. 508 00:31:38,196 --> 00:31:39,464 12 MINUTES. ANYWAY, SORRY. 509 00:31:39,530 --> 00:31:42,300 >> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF? 510 00:31:42,367 --> 00:31:47,872 >> OF ALL THE NUMBERS? ( LAUGHTER ) 511 00:31:47,939 --> 00:31:51,509 >> Stephen: HOW ABOUT THIS -- IT'S AN INTEGER. 512 00:31:51,576 --> 00:31:56,748 >> IT'S A WHOLE NUMBER. NO -- THANK YOU FOR DEFINING 513 00:31:56,814 --> 00:31:58,683 INTEGER. >> Stephen: WELL, I'M NOT 514 00:31:58,750 --> 00:32:01,019 GOING FRACTIONS. I'M NOT TRYING TO ( BLEEP ) YU 515 00:32:01,085 --> 00:32:06,924 OVER HERE. IT'S NOT PI, HOW ABOUT THAT? 516 00:32:06,991 --> 00:32:08,059 >> 39. >> Stephen: WHAT? 517 00:32:08,126 --> 00:32:09,460 39. >> Stephen: NO. 518 00:32:09,527 --> 00:32:11,229 WHAT NUMBER WERE YOU THINKING OF? 519 00:32:11,296 --> 00:32:13,898 >> Stephen: NO WAY AM I GOING TO TELL YOU. 520 00:32:13,965 --> 00:32:16,567 ( LAUGHTER ) DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE 521 00:32:16,634 --> 00:32:18,670 IN FIVE WORDS. >> IN FIVE WORDS? 522 00:32:18,736 --> 00:32:22,707 AM OUT OF HERE NOW. ( LAUGHTER ) 523 00:32:22,774 --> 00:32:24,542 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: JOSH BROLIN, 524 00:32:24,609 --> 00:32:30,181 CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE KNOWN! JOSH BROLIN EVERYBODY! 525 00:32:30,248 --> 00:32:34,152 OUT OF RANGE ON AMAZON NOW! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK! 526 00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:54,238 >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY! 527 00:32:54,305 --> 00:32:59,077 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW MY GUEST TONIGHT FROM 528 00:32:59,143 --> 00:33:01,412 "DAVID COPPERFIELD," "HANNIBAL," AND "THE PATH." 529 00:33:01,479 --> 00:33:02,480 HE'S CURRENTLY STARRING IN THE MOVIE, "DOWNTON ABBEY: 530 00:33:02,547 --> 00:33:04,582 A NEW ERA." PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE 531 00:33:04,649 --> 00:33:10,121 SHOW," HUGH DANCY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 532 00:33:10,188 --> 00:33:19,997 ( BAND PLAYING ) 533 00:33:21,299 --> 00:33:23,968 >> Stephen: HEY, THANKS FOR COMING BACK. 534 00:33:24,035 --> 00:33:25,470 NICE TO SEE YOU. >> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME. 535 00:33:25,536 --> 00:33:30,508 >> Stephen: NOT ONLY ARE YOU COMING BACK TO THE SHOW, YOU'RE 536 00:33:30,575 --> 00:33:33,444 COMING BACK FROM COMING BACK BECAUSE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE 537 00:33:33,511 --> 00:33:38,182 ON A FEW WEEKS AGO AND I GOT COVID AND WE HAD TO CANCEL. 538 00:33:38,249 --> 00:33:40,485 ACCEPT MY APOLOGY. >> I DIDN'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. 539 00:33:40,551 --> 00:33:46,190 >> Stephen: I DIDN'T FAKE IT JUST TO GET OUT OF TALKING TO 540 00:33:46,257 --> 00:33:48,226 YOU. TWO-PLUS YEARS, DID YOU ESCAPE 541 00:33:48,292 --> 00:33:50,561 WITHOUT GETTING IT. >> NO. 542 00:33:50,628 --> 00:33:53,164 A CUP OF TIMES. ALL THE LATEST VERSIONS. 543 00:33:53,231 --> 00:33:57,068 >> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO KEEP UP, EXACTLY. 544 00:33:57,135 --> 00:34:01,572 SOME PEOPLE TOOK UP AN UNUSUAL HOBBY. 545 00:34:01,639 --> 00:34:03,941 >> A LOT OF COOKING. >> Stephen: ANYTHING UNUSUAL. 546 00:34:04,008 --> 00:34:10,615 WE ENDED UP INADVERTENTLY IN A ULYSSES BOOK GROUP. 547 00:34:10,681 --> 00:34:12,817 >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT THE EASIEST READ. 548 00:34:12,884 --> 00:34:14,552 >> YOU'RE RIGHT. >> Stephen: BECAUSE THEY DON'T 549 00:34:14,619 --> 00:34:19,490 BELIEVE YOU READ IT. EVERYONE SAYS THEY READ ULYSSES 550 00:34:19,557 --> 00:34:27,565 AND NO ONE DOES. >> WHICH IS WHY WE DID IT,, NOT 551 00:34:27,632 --> 00:34:31,068 TO MAKE THE PANDEMIC ABOUT THIS, BUT WHAT BETTER TIME. 552 00:34:31,135 --> 00:34:35,907 >> Stephen: ONE TO HAVE THE OTHER THINGS YOU DID IS TO ACT 553 00:34:35,973 --> 00:34:39,410 IN THE NEW "DOWNTON ABBEY" MOVIE, "DOWNTON ABBEY: A NEW 554 00:34:39,477 --> 00:34:40,578 ERA." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 555 00:34:40,645 --> 00:34:45,583 FOR THOSE WHO HAVE FORGOTTEN, THERE'S WHERE YOU SPENT YOUR 556 00:34:45,650 --> 00:34:46,951 TIME. IT MUST HAVE BEEN NICE TO GO TO 557 00:34:47,018 --> 00:34:49,754 A PRE-PANDEMIC WORLD. THEY DON'T HAVE PENICILLIN BUT 558 00:34:49,821 --> 00:34:53,424 AT LEAST THEY DON'T HAVE COVID. >> THEY'VE COME OUT OF THE FIRST 559 00:34:53,491 --> 00:34:59,864 WORLD WAR BUT IT'S NOT 2021, OR 2022, SO IN THAT RESPECT, IT'S 560 00:34:59,931 --> 00:35:00,932 GREAT. THAT WAS MY WORKPLACE. 561 00:35:00,998 --> 00:35:04,936 >> Stephen: ONE MORE TIME, THIS PLACE IS ACTUALLY -- 562 00:35:05,002 --> 00:35:08,072 >> THAT'S MY SICK ROOM RIGHT THERE. 563 00:35:08,139 --> 00:35:12,176 >> Stephen: HIGH CLAIRE CASTLE. 564 00:35:12,243 --> 00:35:14,178 >> YES. >> Stephen: WHAT'S IT LIKE 565 00:35:14,245 --> 00:35:16,614 INSIDE? WHEN WE SEE THE SCENES, ARE 566 00:35:16,681 --> 00:35:19,183 THOSE SETS OR THE INSIDE OF THIS PLACE. 567 00:35:19,250 --> 00:35:22,753 >> NO, THAT'S, I THINK, WHERE THEY LIVE, THEY, I THINK, BEING 568 00:35:22,820 --> 00:35:24,789 THE FAMILY WHO LIVE THERE IN THE HOUSE. 569 00:35:24,856 --> 00:35:27,625 >> Stephen: THEY STILL LIVE THERE? 570 00:35:27,692 --> 00:35:28,626 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: WOULD YOU WANT TO 571 00:35:28,693 --> 00:35:29,961 LIVE THERE? >> SURE. 572 00:35:30,027 --> 00:35:32,730 >> Stephen: IT'S A LITTLE DRAFTY -- 573 00:35:32,797 --> 00:35:35,967 >> YEAH, BUT I'LL TAKE IT. >> Stephen: WOW, I WOULD LIKE 574 00:35:36,033 --> 00:35:38,369 THE STAFF. >> YES. 575 00:35:38,436 --> 00:35:42,807 WELL, THE STAFF THAT I MET WERE BASICALLY THERE TO STOP ME FROM 576 00:35:42,874 --> 00:35:45,176 TOUCHING ANYTHING. >> Stephen: TO KEEP YOU FROM 577 00:35:45,243 --> 00:35:48,379 STEALING BOOKS OR SOMETHING. >> THE MAIN ROOM IS LINED WITH 578 00:35:48,446 --> 00:35:51,849 THESE INCREDIBLE BOOKS AND AS DISCUSSED I DO LIKE BOOKS AND 579 00:35:51,916 --> 00:35:55,553 YOU GO TO TAKE THEM OUT AND THE REST OF THE CAST HAVE BEEN THERE 580 00:35:55,620 --> 00:35:59,891 FOR A DECADE, NO, NO, YOU CANNOT TAKE THE BOOKS OUT. 581 00:35:59,957 --> 00:36:03,895 THERE'S A RETAINER WHOSE JOB IT IS TO COME AND SMACK YOUR HAND 582 00:36:03,961 --> 00:36:06,230 AWAY. >> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP 583 00:36:06,297 --> 00:36:07,965 HERE. YOU PLAY A DIRECTOR, RIGHT. 584 00:36:08,032 --> 00:36:10,701 >> MOVIE DIRECTOR, SILENT MOVIE, 18928. 585 00:36:10,768 --> 00:36:21,612 189 -- 1928. >> Stephen: WHAT'S HAPPENING 586 00:36:21,679 --> 00:36:23,214 IN THIS SCENE. >> I'M TRYING TO MAKE THE MOVIE. 587 00:36:23,281 --> 00:36:26,417 SOME OF THE FAMILY ARE STILL AROUND AND BASICALLY GETTING IN 588 00:36:26,484 --> 00:36:27,952 THE WAY. >> Stephen: OKAY. 589 00:36:28,019 --> 00:36:31,188 JIM. >> WILL YOU LET HIM KISS YOU? 590 00:36:31,255 --> 00:36:34,592 FEELS AS IF YOU MIGHT -- >> WAIT, WAIT, WHO'S HE? 591 00:36:34,659 --> 00:36:40,398 CUT, CUT, CUT! >> I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS! 592 00:36:40,464 --> 00:36:45,336 HE'S A GREAT FAVORITE HERE, YOU DON'T MIND HIM WATCHING, DO 593 00:36:45,403 --> 00:36:47,638 YOU? >> I DON'T MIND HIM WATCHING, I 594 00:36:47,705 --> 00:36:50,308 JUST DON'T WANT HIM IN IT. >> WELL SPOTTED. 595 00:36:50,374 --> 00:37:01,686 SO NOW YOU JUST DO IT ALL AGAIN. 596 00:37:01,752 --> 00:37:03,120 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: I'VE GOT TO 597 00:37:03,187 --> 00:37:06,524 IMAGINE IT'S A BIT OF A JOY TO PERFORM WITH MAGGIE SMITH. 598 00:37:06,591 --> 00:37:09,894 >> IT IS, YES. SHE'S AS ADVERTISED. 599 00:37:09,961 --> 00:37:16,367 >> Stephen: NOW, NOT THE ONLY ICON YOU SPENT TIME WITH BECAUSE 600 00:37:16,434 --> 00:37:21,272 THIS I'M ALSO A LITTLE JEALOUS OF -- THERE'S A LOT OF 601 00:37:21,339 --> 00:37:24,475 JEALOUSY -- IS YOU'RE ALSO STARRING IN SEASON 21 OF "LAW 602 00:37:24,542 --> 00:37:30,881 AND ORDER" WITH THE ALWAYS DELIGHTFUL SAM WATERSTON RIGHT 603 00:37:30,948 --> 00:37:31,949 THERE. >> YES. 604 00:37:32,016 --> 00:37:34,452 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: AND I HAVE BEEN 605 00:37:34,518 --> 00:37:37,622 LUCKY ENOUGH TO TALK TO SAM AND DO BITS WITH SAM. 606 00:37:37,688 --> 00:37:42,193 DO YOU EVER HAVE THIS PROBLEM THAT SOMETIMES I JUST GET LOST 607 00:37:42,259 --> 00:37:43,995 IN HIS EYEBROWS. >> YES. 608 00:37:44,061 --> 00:37:46,931 >> Stephen: I WANT TO CURL UP THERE LIKE A FOREST ANIMAL UNDER 609 00:37:46,998 --> 00:37:49,467 A FERN. >> I THINK HE HAS THAT PROBLEM. 610 00:37:49,533 --> 00:37:50,835 ( LAUGHTER ) HE'S AMAZING. 611 00:37:50,901 --> 00:37:53,137 HE'S A FANTASTIC MAN. >> Stephen: YOU PLAY AN LEARN 612 00:37:53,204 --> 00:37:54,772 IN THIS. >> I DO. 613 00:37:54,839 --> 00:37:58,242 >> Stephen: AND SPOILER ALERT, YOU'RE A BRIT. 614 00:37:58,309 --> 00:38:05,883 I'M JUST CURIOUS, YOU GREW UP I? >> IN BRITAIN. 615 00:38:05,950 --> 00:38:07,885 IN THE MIDLANDS. WHAT WE CALL THE MIDDLE. 616 00:38:07,952 --> 00:38:14,158 >> Stephen: YOU GREW UP IN THE MIDRIFF OF GREAT BRITAIN, AROUND 617 00:38:14,225 --> 00:38:16,160 THE NAVEL. >> MM-HMM. 618 00:38:16,227 --> 00:38:17,361 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IS THE ACCENT 619 00:38:17,428 --> 00:38:22,166 YOU'RE GIVING ME NOW THE ACCENT AROUND WHERE YOU GREW UP. 620 00:38:22,233 --> 00:38:24,702 >> NO. >> Stephen: IS THIS RECEIVED 621 00:38:24,769 --> 00:38:25,636 PRONUNCIATION. >> YES. 622 00:38:25,703 --> 00:38:27,071 I DON'T KNOW WHO RECEIVED IT OR FROM WHOM. 623 00:38:27,138 --> 00:38:29,974 >> Stephen: YOU ARE TO RECEIVE THIS PRONUNCIATION. 624 00:38:30,041 --> 00:38:31,108 >> YES. >> Stephen:? 625 00:38:31,175 --> 00:38:43,888 WHERE'S IT LIKE GROWING UP? ( INDI INDICATING ACCENT) 626 00:38:43,954 --> 00:38:48,292 >> Stephen: I KNOW SOME WORDS TRIP UP BRITS DOING AN AMERICAN 627 00:38:48,359 --> 00:38:49,860 ACCENT. WHAT'S YOUR DANGER SPOT 628 00:38:49,927 --> 00:38:54,799 >> THE TWO I ENCOUNTERED ARE CARNEGIE HALL 629 00:38:54,865 --> 00:39:03,541 >> Stephen: WE SAY CARNEGIE. SAY IT, CARNEGIE HALL 630 00:39:03,607 --> 00:39:07,044 >> CARNEGIE HALL. I CAN'T DO IT. 631 00:39:07,111 --> 00:39:11,515 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YOU FOOLED THEM. 632 00:39:11,582 --> 00:39:15,786 CARNEGIE HALL AND HOVERING. THAT'S WHAT A HELICOPTER DOES. 633 00:39:15,853 --> 00:39:24,628 >> Stephen: IT HOVERS. IT DOESN'T -- (PRONOUNCES) -- 634 00:39:24,695 --> 00:39:26,163 HOVER. >> IT'S JUST A QUESTION OF A 635 00:39:26,230 --> 00:39:28,799 VOWEL YOU IDENTIFY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WORD. 636 00:39:28,866 --> 00:39:39,944 >> Stephen: UH, UH, UH, HU -- VERING. 637 00:39:40,010 --> 00:39:43,380 ( LAUGHTER ) SOME ENGLISH PEOPLE HAVE TROUBLE 638 00:39:43,447 --> 00:39:44,715 SAYING THIS. >> SQUIRREL. 639 00:39:44,782 --> 00:39:48,986 >> Stephen: GIVE ME THE AMERICAN ACCENT OF THAT. 640 00:39:49,053 --> 00:39:51,288 >> AS I THAT. ASSQUIRREL. 641 00:39:51,355 --> 00:40:04,235 >> Stephen: ONE SYLLABLE, RIGHT. 642 00:40:04,301 --> 00:40:07,705 "DOWNTON ABBEY: A NEW ERA" IS IN THEATERS NOW. 643 00:40:07,772 --> 00:40:10,674 HUGH DANCY, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK 644 00:40:21,051 --> 00:40:22,052 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE 645 00:40:22,119 --> 00:40:25,089 SHOW," EVERYBODY! HARRY STYLES IS ON JAMES CORDEN 646 00:40:25,156 --> 00:40:26,657 NEXT! GOOD NIGHT!