>> MORE THAN HALF OF AMERICANS
WHO SAY THAT THEY CAN'T NAME A SINGLE ASIAN-AMERICAN PUBLIC
FIGURE, 58 PORTION ACTUALLY, ACCORDING TO A SURVEY OF MORE
THAN 5,000 U.S. RESIDENTS, AND THAT IS UP MORE THAN 10 POINTS
FROM LAST YEAR. ( SIGHS )
>> THANKS, BOYS!
( SIGHS ) >> THANKS, BOYS!
HERE WE GO. AGAIN!
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!
( THEME SONG PLAYS ) TONIGHT, KNEE JERK IN ACTION.
AND JOSH BROLIN TAKES THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT!
PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES HUGH DANCY!
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN."
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
( AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR
BEING HERE. PLEASE!
SIT DOWN! HEY, TOM.
WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT'S GOING ON, Y'ALL?
HAPPY THURSDAY. YES, HAPPY THURSDAY.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. NOW --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) -- FOLKS, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT
YOU, BUT I AM PAST READY FOR OUR
ELECTED OFFICIALS TO TAKE ANY ACTION AT ALL ON GUNS.
OKAY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND THERE ARE THINGS -- THERE ARE SOME BEDROCK THINGS THEY
COULD DO. THERE ARE ONLY TWO STUMBLING
BLOCKS: ELECTED.
OFFICIALS. BECAUSE, DESPITE THE HORRIFIC
SHOOTING IN UVALDE, TEXAS, THE SENATE JUST SKIPPED TOWN FOR A
TWO-WEEK BREAK WITHOUT ANY ACTION ON GUNS.
CHUCK SCHUMER HAD PLANNED ON PUSHING THROUGH A VOTE TO GET
EVERYONE ON THE RECORD, BUT YESTERDAY HE BAILED, EXPLAINING
THERE WAS NO POINT IN DOING SO, GIVEN THAT REPUBLICAN OPPOSITION
WAS ALREADY "CRYSTAL CLEAR." HE'S JUST FOLLOWING THE OLD
ADAGE: "IF AT FIRST, YOU DON'T SUCCEED, BYE-EE!"
( LAUGHTER ) THE NEW IDEA IS THAT SCHUMER AND
MCCONNELL ARE GOING TO APPOINT PEOPLE TO WORK ON A BIPARTISAN
APPROACH, BUT NO ONE IS OPTIMISTIC.
LEAST OF ALL, INDIANA REPUBLICAN SENATOR MIKE BRAUN, SEEN HERE
SAYING, "YOU CAN TAKE MY FINGER WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM MY COLD,
DEAD HAND." BRAUN EXPRESSED HIS DOUBT USING
THIS UNFORTUNATE METAPHOR: "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE SILVER
BULLET IS." "EAH, JUST SHOOTING FROM THE
HIP HERE-- NONE OF THESE IDEAS ARE ON TARGET, AND WHILE WE GOT
THE PROBLEM IN THE CROSSHAIRS, WE JUST CAN'T PULL THE TRIGGER.
BUT WHEN WE DO, YOU'LL BE BLOWN AWAY.
WHY ARE YOU CRYING?" ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERING ) >> Jon: MM-MMM, MM-MMM,
MM-MMM, NO! >> Stephen: POTENTIAL
SENATORS, PEOPLE RUNNING FOR THE SENATE, ARE ALSO
STRUGGLING WITH WHAT TO DO, ESPECIALLY GEORGIA SENATE
CANDIDATE HERSCHEL WALKER WHO WAS ASKED ABOUT SOLVING GUN
VIOLENCE AND MADE THESE NOISES: >> WHAT WE NEED TO DO IS
LOOK INTO HOW WE CAN STOP THOSE THINGS.
YOU KNOW, THEY TALK ABOUT GOING TO DISINFORMATION.
WHAT ABOUT GETTING A DEPARTMENT THAT CAN LOOK AT YOUNG MEN
THAT'S LOOKING AT WOMEN THAT'S LOOKING AT THEIR SOCIAL MEDIA.
WHAT ABOUT DOING THAT? >> STEPHEN: YEAH, WHAT ABOUT
DOING THAT? ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S HIGH TIME TO CREATE THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF "LOOKING AT
YOUNG MEN WHO ARE LOOKING AT WOMEN WHO ARE LOOKING AT SOCIAL
MEDIA." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT MOSTLY, CONSERVATIVES BELIEVE THAT THE BEST DEFENSE IS
A STUPID DEFENSE, LIKE THIS LADY ON FOX NEWS:
>> I WOULD LIKE TO SEE A NATIONAL PUSH TOWARD-- INSTEAD
OF PARENTS BUYING THEIR KIDS ALL THESE TOOLS AND TOYS AND
GAMES, INVEST IN THE CLASSROOM, TO MAKE IT SAFER.
I MEAN, THEY HAVE BLANKETS THAT YOU CAN PUT UP ON THE WALL THAT
ARE COLORFUL AND BEAUTIFUL, BUT THEY'RE BALLISTIC BLANKETS.
>> Stephen: YES, INSTEAD OF TOYS OR GAMES, PARENTS SHOULD BY
BALLISTIC BLANKETS. THEY'RE SO BEAUTIFUL, THE
KIDS WON'T EVEN REALIZE WE LIVE IN HELL.
( LAUGHTER ) WHILE OTHER THOUGHTLESS PEOPLE
THINK YOU HAVE TO RETHINK THE ENTIRE SCHOOL LAYOUT, LIKE TEXAS
SENATOR AND MAN PROCLAIMING HE'LL DO HIS OWN PROSTATE EXAM,
-- BOO-BOO. >> Stephen: I AGREE WITH
BOOING BUT I CAN'T SAY THE JOKE WHEN YOU'RE BOOING.
LIKE TEXAS SENATOR AND MAN PROCLAIMING HE'LL DO HIS OWN
PROSTATE EXAM, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, TED CRUZ.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: BOO, NOW BOO! ( AUDIENCE BOOING )
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, THAT FELT GOOD.
INSTEAD OF ACCESS TO GUNS CRUZ WANTS TO FOCUS ON A
DIFFERENT KIND OF ACCESS: >> LOOK, THE KILLER ENTERED
HERE THE SAME WAY THE KILLER ENTERED IN SANTA FE-- THROUGH A
BACK DOOR. AN UNLOCKED BACK DOOR.
I SAT DOWN AT ROUNDTABLES WITH THE FAMILIES FROM SANTA FE.
WE TALKED ABOUT WHAT WE NEED TO DO TO HARDEN SCHOOLS, INCLUDING
NOT HAVING UNLOCKED BACK DOORS; INCLUDING NOT HAVING UNLOCKED
DOORS TO CLASSROOM. HAVING ONE DOOR THAT GOES IN AND
OUT OF THE SCHOOL. HAVING ARMED POLICE OFFICERS AT
THAT ONE DOOR. >> STEPHEN: SO, HE JUST WANTS
SENSIBLE DOOR CONTROL. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW LOOK, INCREASING SECURITY AT SCHOOLS, HARDENING SCHOOLS COULD
BE A GOOD IDEA. BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THE OTHER
PLACES WHERE SHOOTINGS HAPPEN, LIKE MOVIE THEATERS, CHURCHES,
GROCERY STORES, AND EVERYWHERE ELSE IN AMERICA?
IF WE'RE NOT GOING TO GET RID OF THE GUNS, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO
HARDEN EVERYWHERE. YOU KNOW, WE ALREADY HAVE OUR
HEADS IN THE SAND ABOUT THIS. WHY DON'T WE BURROW UNDER THE
GROUND AND THEN JUST CLOSE UP THE HOLE
BEHIND US, AND THEN NOBODY CAN GET IN THERE, SO THERE'S NO WAY
ANYONE WILL GET SHOT. UNLESS THE PEOPLE WE'RE IN THERE
WITH BROUGHT GUNS. SO WE SHOULD PROBABLY EACH GO
INTO OUR INDIVIDUAL, UNDERGROUND SAFETY HOLE.
AND I KNOW SOME OF YOU ARE SAYING, "STEVE, ONCE WE CLOSE
THE HOLE, HOW WILL OUR FRIENDS ABOVE-GROUND FIND US?"
THAT'S EASY. WE'LL PUT UP A MARKER, SOMETHING
PERMANENT, LIKE STONE. AND WE'LL CHISEL OUR NAME
ON THE STONE AND MAYBE THE DATE WE WERE BORN,
AND THE DATE WE WENT DOWN IN THE HOLE.
AND THEN, WE CAN FINALLY REST IN PEACE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MAKES SENSE, RIGHT?
>> Jon: MAKES SENSE. >> Stephen: IT WILL WORK.
JUST GIVE IT A SHOT IS WHAT I'M SAYING.
WHEN GUN TRAGEDIES HAPPEN THE G.O.P. LIKES TO BLAME
VIOLENCE IN THE MEDIA. AND THEY'RE RIGHT ABOUT ONE
THING-- THERE IS A LOT OF SENSELESS GUN PLAY ON TV.
SPECIFICALLY IN THE MORE THAN A HUNDRED G.O.P. MIDTERM ADS THIS
YEAR WHICH FEATURE GUNS. THEY'RE BRANDISHING DEADLY
WEAPONS ON TV, AND NO ONE STOPS THEM!
"MEANWHILE!" -- AND THIS IS TRU- ON TUESDAY'S SHOW, THEY MADE ME
BLUR A PICTURE OF A PLANT BECAUSE IT KIND OF LOOKED LIKE A
WIENER! AND IT WASN'T EVEN LOADED!
( LAUGHTER ) SOME OF THE CAMPAIGN ADS ARE
YOUR RUN-OF-THE-MILL BANG-BANG-IN A FIELD, LIKE THIS
ONE FROM SENATE HOPEFUL DR. OZ. >> MY FATHER TAUGHT ME HOW TO
HANDLE MY FIRST GUN. I TAUGHT MY SON OLIVER HOW TO DO
THE SAME. I'VE BEEN SHOOTING AND HUNTING
MY WHOLE LIFE. SO, WHEN PEOPLE SAY I WON'T
SUPPORT GUNS? (COCKS GUN)
THEY'RE DEAD WRONG. PULL!
(GUNFIRE) ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY THE VIBE I WANT FROM MY DOCTOR.
"ALL RIGHT, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR X-RAYS.
PULL! (SHOOTS XRAY)
OOH, YOU GOT A HOLE IN YOUR LEFT ATRIUM!"
( LAUGHTER ) SOME ADS ARE EVEN WEIRDER
LIKE THIS ONE FROM ALABAMA GOVERNOR KAY IVEY.
>> THE SECOND AMENDMENT IS SACRED, SO I PASSED CONCEALED
CARRY FOR ALABAMIANS TO ARM THEMSELVES WITHOUT GOVERNMENT
INTERFERENCE. THAT WAY, YOU DON'T KNOW WHO'S
GOT WHAT IN THEIR PURSE. LIPSTICK.
AN IPHONE. OR MAYBE A LITTLE SMITH & WESSON
.38. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: THAT'S A CRAZY AD. I HOPE SHE DOESN'T GOAT THE
CONTENTS OF HER PURSE MIXED UP. HELLO, KAY IVEY SPEAKING.
HELLO, I CAN'T HEAR YOU. I'M SORRY, I HAD THE SAFETY ON.
KAY IVEY SPEAKING. ( APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) GUNS AREN'T JUST BEING PUSHED BY
THE QUAKING ELDERLY. THERE'S ALSO THIS WORD SALAD:
>> BABIES. BORDERS.
BULLETS. VALUES WE CHERISH.
TRUMP PROTECTED THEM AS PRESIDENT.
AND SO WILL JAKE BEQUETTE AS ARKANSAS' NEXT SENATOR.
PRO-GUN, PRO-WALL, PRO-LIFE. BABIES, BORDERS, AND BULLETS.
>> Stephen: OH, MAN! JAKE'S
FREAKING OUT ON THE "B" SECTION OF THE G.O.P. DICTIONARY!
"BABIES! BORDERS!
BULLETS! BACON!
BIG RIGS! BIG-BREASTED BIBLES BUMPIN'
BEFORE BABY B'JESUS!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BB, WUBBYDUBBY. THERE'S SOME MORE DISTURBING
REVELATIONS ABOUT FORMER PRESIDENT DONNY CRAPPLESEED.
( LAUGHTER ) THE JANUARY 6 COMMITTEE HAS BEEN
GETTING TESTIMONY FROM FORMER CHIEF OF STAFF AND COLLEGE BUDDY
WHO STILL DOES HIS TERRIBLE AUSTIN POWERS IMPRESSION...
MARK MEADOWS. ACCORDING TO A LEAK FROM THE
COMMITTEE, MEADOWS WAS WITH THE FORMER PRESIDENT DURING THE
INSURRECTION, AND A WITNESS TESTIFIED THAT AFTER THE RIOTERS
STARTED CHANTING "HANG MIKE PENCE!", MEADOWS TOLD COLLEAGUES
THAT THE PRESIDENT SAID SOMETHING TO THE EFFECT OF,
"MAYBE PENCE SHOULD BE HANGED." HE WAS INTO THE IDEA OF KILLING
HIS OWN VICE PRESIDENT. REMINDS ME OF WHEN GEORGE H.W.
BUSH SAID THIS: >> READ MY LIPS.
STAB DAN QUAYLE. >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU DO NOT. MY GUEST IS HUGH DANCY, AND I'LL
BE GIVING HIM THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT TO ONE MR. JOSH
BROLIN. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE!"! STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DELIGHTFUL.
TRYING TO. FUL -- DELIGHTFUL.
LOUIS, WE HAVE A COUPLE OF WONDERFUL GUESTS ON TONIGHT.
HUGH DANCY FROM THE NEW "DOWNTON ABBEY" MOVIE IS GOING TO BE
HERE. ( APPLAUSE )
AND ALSO MR. JOSH BROLIN, MY OLD BUDDY FROM MY RODEO DAYS -- I
WAS A RODEO CLOWN FOR A WHILE -- AND JOSH WILL BE HERE TO TAKE
THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT TONIGHT. ONE TO TO HAVER COLBERT
QUESIONERT'S WE'VE DONE. YOU ALSO HAVE SPECIAL GUEST.
TELL EVERYBODY WHO'S SITTING WITH THE BAND.
>> MR. JAVAN -- TIVON PENNICOTT. >> Stephen: AND WHO'S THE YUNG
LADY. DAVID BYRNE FROM "AMERICAN
UTOPIA" AND WE'VE GOT ANGIE SWAN.
>> Stephen: HI, ANGIE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME
RIGHT OVER THERE, SURVEYING THE NEWS MARKET FOR THE DAY'S
BIGGEST STORIES, THEN CAREFULLY SELECTING THE FINEST, MOST
TOPICAL BUFFALO NEWS HIDE WHICH I THEN SOAK USING NATURAL PRING
AND LIMEWATER-- ONLY DURING THE COLDER MONTHS-- AND SCRAPE IT
UNTIL IT IS EVENLY TRANSLUCENT AND SUPPLE.
THEN, USING THE TRADITIONAL PUSH-KNIFE METHOD, I DELICATELY
MAKE MORE THAN 3,000 CUTS TO CREATE AN EMOTIVE AND POWERFUL
FIGURINE WHICH I DECORATE WITH GRADATIONS AND CONTRAST,
EMPLOYING THE SHAN-SHE REGION FIVE-COLOR SYSTEM.
THEN I CAREFULLY CONNECT THE FIGURINE'S JOINTS WITH COTTON
THREAD SO THEY CAN BE OPERATED FREELY, AND FIRE UP A PAPER
LANTERN BEHIND A FINE HWONG-JOE SILK SCREEN, AND, BACKED BY A
SUO-NA HORN, A YOO-EH-CHEEN, AND BANHU FIDDLE, I OPERATE NO LESS
THAN FIVE OF THESE FIGURINES AT ONCE, BECOMING THE LIVING
EMBODIMENT OF THE 1,000-HAND GWAN-YIN, TO MOUNT FOR YOU THE
EPIC AND MOVING TONG DYNASTY PI-YING SHADOW PLAY THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES--
SOMETIMES, FOLKS-- IT'S CRAFTSMANSHIP.
>> IT GOES LIKE THAT Y RIGHT THERE.
>> Stephen: SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I AM PECKED
AWAKE BY A DIRTY SEAGULL ON THE INTRA-COASTAL WATERWAY, WHILE
STILL LYING ON THE BACK OF A MANATEE WHO RESCUED ME FROM SOME
ARMS DEALERS I DOUBLE-CROSSED OFF CAPE FEAR, AND WHO THEN
DUMPS ME ON AN ABANDONED WHARF WHERE I SLIP THE DIRTY SOCK OFF
A SEVERED FOOT I FISHED OUT OF A STORM DRAIN, AND SLAP GOOGLY
EYES ON IT MADE FROM TWO MENTOS I PRIED OUT OF THE MOUTH OF A
MANGY COYOTE. THEN I FASHION A KAZOO OUT OF A
POCKET COMB STOLEN FROM A FISHERMAN AND THE WAX PAPER FROM
HIS MEATBALL SUB, TO HONK OUT A DIRGE WHILE YAMMERING A TONE
POEM ABOUT THE DEMONS INFESTING MY BEARD IN THE UNBALANCED MANIC
SOCK PUPPET SHOW OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S A PALLIATIVE CARE, ON SOME LEVELS, "MEANWHILE!."
MEANWHILE -- ( LAUGHTER )
-- A NEW COMPANY IS "TURNING URINE INTO BEER IN
SINGAPORE." SEEMS LIKE A WASTE, CONSIDERING
THAT BEER'S GOING TO BE URINE AGAIN REAL FAST.
THE BEER IS CALLED NEWBREW, AND "IS MADE OUT OF A LIQUID WHICH
IS RECYCLED FROM SEWAGE." FUN FACT: AFTER PEOPLE DRINK THE
SEWAGE BEER, THEIR URINE IS BOTTLED AS NATTY LIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE IT'S GOOD. ON A HOT DAY, I DON'T KNOW.
MEANWHILE, "KRIS JENNER IS URGING KENDALL JENNER TO FREEZE
HER EGGS." DAMN STRAIGHT.
WE HAVE TO MAINTAIN AMERICA'S STRATEGIC RESERVE OF
KARDASHIANS. "OH, YOU'RE SAYING, STOP BEING
SUCH AN ALARMIST, STEVE. WE CAN MAKE DO WITH OUR PRESENT
STOCKPILE." OH, REALLY?
YOU'LL BE SINGING A DIFFERENT TUNE WHEN AUSTRALIA IS
HEMSWORTHING US FROM ONE END WHILE SWEDEN SKAARSGAARDS US
FROM THE OTHER! ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) DOESN'T SOUND TOO BAD, REALLY.
THAT DOESN'T SOUND TOO BAD. MEANWHILE, "OREO AND RITZ HAVE
TEAMED UP FOR A COOKIE-CRACKER COLLAB."
IT'S SALTY. IT'S SWEET.
IT'S PEANUT BUTTER. IT'S WHATEVER THE WHITE STUFF
IS. I WANT TO SAY, SWEET CRISCO
CAULK? ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ALSO A FUN PHRASE TO YELL WHEN
YOU'RE ANGRY, SWEET CRISCO CAULK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS THE PERFECT SNACK FOR
ANYONE WHO EVER SAID, "I WANT TO RUIN MY TEETH, BUT I ALSO WANT
TO DESTROY MY HEART. THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY!"
( LAUGHTER ) TRAGICALLY, THESE AREN'T
AVAILABLE FOR SALE. THE COMPANY WILL "GIVE 1,000
LUCKY FANS THE FREE COOKIE-CRACKER PACKS."
FORTUNATELY, I HAVE THE RECIPE TO MAKE THESE AT HOME.
ALL YOU NEED IS ONE PACK OF PEANUT BUTTER RITZ CRACKERS, ONE
PACK OF OREOS, AND UNDIAGNOSED DEPRESSION.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, IN JAPAN, A "MAN SPENT $15K ON A HIGH-TECH DOG
COSTUME TO FULFILL HIS LIFELONG DREAM," WHICH IS SO REALISTIC IT
"TOOK 40 DAYS AND MULTIPLE REVISIONS TO CREATE."
AND HE NAILED IT. THAT IS A GUY IN A DOG SUIT!
EVERY DETAIL HAS BEEN THOUGHT OF, RIGHT DOWN TO HOW IT USES A
PING PONG PADDLE. JUST LIKE A REAL DOG!
REMINDS ME OF THAT CLASSIC EPISODE OF "LASSIE:"
"WHAT'S THAT, GIRL? TIMMY'S STUCK IN A WELL?
AND YOU'RE A GROWN MAN IN A $15,000 DOG COSTUME?
YOU'RE REALLY KILLING IT WITH THAT PING PONG BALL.
DO I WANT TO WHAT? NO, I'M NOT INTO THAT SCENE.
I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU CUT THE HOLE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I GOT DARK. THAT GOT DARK REALLY FAST.
MEANWHILE, IN HOT DOG FILLER NEWS, "A CRASHED TRUCK SPEWED
15,000 POUNDS OF HOT DOG FILLER ACROSS A PENNSYLVANIA HIGHWAY."
THERE IT IS. ALL OF THAT GOES IN YOUR
HOTDOGS. AND I MEAN ALL OF IT.
THE PINK SLURRY, THE BAGS, THE BOXES, THE TRUCK, THE GRAVEL.
THEY JUST DRIVE THAT SEMI RIGHT ONTO THE ASSEMBLY LINE AND THE
DRIVER JUMPS OUT. HOPEFULLY.
OOH, Y OUKNOW WHAT I BET WOULD BE GREAT TO DIP IN THAT?
OREO RITZ. MMM.
MMM.
( APPLAUSE )
THE PERFECT BALANCE OF SALTY, SWEET, AND HOG ANUS.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S ANOTHER FUN THING TO YEL!
WHWHAT WERE YOU THINKING? ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE -- "BREAST-FEEDING-MOTHERS-RESCUING
-PET-GEESE-FROM-EAGLE-ATTACKS" NEWS, A "BREAST-FEEDING MOTHER
RESCUED HER PET GOOSE FROM AN EAGLE ATTACK."
THE FOOTAGE WENT VIRAL TODAY OF AN EAGLE ATTACKING THIS PET
GOOSE IN A DRIVEWAY AND TRYING TO DRAG IT OFF, WHEN PLAYERS
THREE AND FOUR ENTER THE GAME: MOM AND BABY-AT-THE-BREAST
CHASING OFF AN APEX PREDATOR! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GOOD FOR HER! SKILL IN HER SCIVVIES!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS ALL TOOK PLACE IN BRITISH
COLUMBIA, CANADA. AND YOU CAN TELL IT'S IN CANADA
IF YOU LISTEN CLOSELY TO THE UNIQUE, REGIONAL EAGLE'S CRY:
>> SOORY, SOORY, SOORY! TIM HORTON'S!
>> STEPHEN: WHEN WE COME BACK, I GIVE THE "COLBERT QUESTIONERT"
TO JOSH BROLIN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FOLKS, ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT
DOING THIS SHOW IS GETTING TO TALK TO ALL SORTS OF FASCINATING
PEOPLE. AND OCCASIONALLY-- WHEN A GUES
IS BRAVE ENOUGH-- I GET TO DO MORE THAN JUST INTERVIEW THEM.
I GET TO DELVE INTO THE DEPTHS OF THEIR PSYCHE WITH WHAT
HISTORIANS WILL CALL "THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT."
RECENTLY, JOSH BROLIN, STAR OF "DUNE," "OUTER RANGE," AND
"AVENGERS: ENDGAME," STOPPED BY "THE LATE SHOW," AND THANOS
HIMSELF HAD THE SWINGING INFINITY STONES TO TAKE THE C.Q.
♪♪ JOSH, YOU KNOW, IT'S ALWAYS FUN
TO HAVE YOU ON. IT'S ALWAYS A TREAT.
>> ALWAYS FUN TO BE ON. >> Stephen: I KNOW IT'S GOING
TO BE A GOOD SPHWER VIEW AND AN HONEST ONE BECAUSE YOU SHOOT
FROM THE HIP. >> I'VE LEARNED FROM THE BEST.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE WELCOME. BUT EVEN THE FACT THAT YOU AND I
HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR YEARS, WE USED TO BARREL RIDE TOGETHER
OUT WEST. >> WE DID.
>> Stephen: AND THE RODEO CIRCUIT.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: BUT EVEN -- I
DON'T GET TO KNOW YOU AS WELL AS I'D LIKE WHEN YOU'RE OUT HERE
ONLY TEN OR 15 MINUTES OF A TIME.
>> COME ON WITH ME. >> Stephen: I'LL DO THAT BUT I
HAVE A QUIZ TO GIVE YOU BECAUSE PEOPLE IN THE "LATE SHOW" LABS
COME UP WITH 15 QUESTIONS CALLED THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT DESIGNED
TO PLUM THE DEPTHS OF MY GUEST. >> LIKE AN ACTOR STUDIO THING.
>> Stephen: VERY MUCH BUT CLASSIER.
>> CLASSIER. >> Stephen: ARE YOU READY TO
TAKE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT? >> YEAH, LET ME TAKE A SIP.
>> Stephen: OKAY, HERE WEARING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HAVE YOU REVIEWED ANY OF THESE
QUESTIONS? >> I HAVE NOT.
>> Stephen: SO THIS IS ALL FRESH.
HERE WE GO. >> NO, NOT ALL FRESH.
I SAW JEN LAWRENCE TO IT, SAW ONE QUESTION QUESTION, AND I
TURNED IT OFF. SO SOMEWHERE IN THERE IS THAT
QUESTION. >> Stephen: SO YOU DON'T WANT
TO STEAL THE QUESTION. >> NO.
>> Stephen: JOSH BROLIN, WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH?
>> WHEN I LIVED IN NEW YORK, A RUBEN FROM LENNY'S.
>> Stephen: THAT WAS A GOOD ANSWER.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: WHAT IS THE ONE
THING YOU OWN THAT YOU SHOULD REALLY THROW OUT?
>> OH, GOD, I UH HATE THE THING THAT JUST POPPED IN MY HEAD.
>> Stephen: SAY IT. NO, IT'S A HUMAN BEING!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WHISPER IT.
YOU CAN WHISPER IT IN MY HEAR AND I'LL DECIDE WHETHER YOU CAN
TELL ANYBODY. COME ON, JUST WRITE IT DOWN.
>> NO. THIS QUESTIONERT IS A SHAME
QUESTIONERT. >> Stephen: FIRST THE ONE
THING YOU OWN THAT YOU SHOULD THROW OUT.
>> THAT PERSON CAN NEVER LEAVE. COME ON, JOSH!
ONE THING I OWN THAT I SHOULD REALLY THROW OUT.
>> Stephen: LIKE SOMETHING IN THE BARN.
>> A SURF BOARD I WAS GIFTED THAT I CAN'T BE ON ANYMORE
BECAUSE MY BACK HURTS. >> Stephen: DONE.
WHAT IS THE SCARIEST ANIMAL? >> A WOLF BECAUSE I GREW UP WITH
WOLVES. MY MOM RAN A WILDLIFE WEIGH
STATION. WE HAD TO CLEAN CAGES FROM SEVEN
YEARS OLD ON. TOTALLY IRRESPONSIBLE OF MY
MOTHER. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: DID THE WOLVES GIVE YOU THE LOOK.
>> I LOVE THEM. BUT IF YOU LOOK AWAY TOO LONG
YOU BECOME PREY. YOU BECOME A CARTOON WHERE YOU
START STEAMING. IF YOU STARE AT THEM TOO MUCH
THEY SEE IT AS AN AFFRONT AND WANT TO ATTACK YOU.
THERE'S NO REASON A 7-YEAR-OLD SHOULD BE IN A WOLF CAGE,
PERIOD. >> Stephen: I READ DOGS
DEVELOPED AN EXTRA MUSCLE RIGHT HERE THAT WOLVES DON'T HAVE THAT
MAKES THEM GIVE YOU THE PUBY EYE THING.
>> THAT'S A SUBMISSIVE THING. >> Stephen: IT'S EVOLUTIONARY.
YOU DO HAVE THAT KIND OF THING, A LITTLE BIT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES?
APPLES BECAUSE MY DAUGHTERS LOVE THEM RIGHT NOW.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT. HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR
THEIR AUTOGRAPH? >> YES.
>> Stephen: WHO? RAY BRADBURY.
>> Stephen: WE GOING TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW?
>> I ANSWERED THE QUESTION. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: OKAY. SO THIS HERE --
>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO CONTINUE THIS.
>> Stephen: I'LL ASK QUESTIONS.
HERE WE GO. RAY BRADBURY.
THAT IS AN EXCELLENT -- YOU A FAN.
>> I LOVE RAY BRADBURY. >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A
FAVORITE STORY. >> A STORY?
HE HAD A VERY RED FACE WHEN I MET HIM, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT
WAS ABOUT BUT WE HAD A VERY RED FACE.
>> Stephen: WE HAVEN'T STARTED YET.
>> SORRY. >> Stephen: I KNOW YOU'RE A
CHEATER. ( LAUGHTER )
OH, MAN. >> NO, THERE'S NOTHING THERE.
BY THE WAY, I BROKE MY COLLARBONE, SCAPULA, A TORN
LABRUM AND I HAVE A TORN LABRUM RIGHT NOW.
THE ONLY WAY YOU WILL EVER WIN IS IF I'M ASLEEP OR DEAD.
>> Stephen: WHILE YOU WERE FEEDING WOLVES AND RIDING HORSES
I WAS PLAYING DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS.
SO LET'S LOWER OUR EXPECTATIONS, JOSH BROLIN.
>> READY? >> Stephen: JOSH BROLIN, WHAT
DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE?
ONE, TWO, THREE, GO. >> GO.
OH, GOD, YOU'VE GOTTEN SO MUCH STRONGER.
WHY IS IT SHAKING SO MUCH? ( LAUGHTER )
OH! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: ARE YOU HAPPY? WHEN WE COME BACK, I CONFESS TO
JOSH BROLIN THAT I'VE NEVER SEEN ONE OF HIS MOST FAMOUS FILMS.
HE DOESN'T TAKE IT WELL. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AND NOW, THE DRAMATIC CONCLUSION
OF JOSH BROLIN'S "COLBERT QUESTIONERT."
♪♪ WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN
WE DIE, JOSH BROLIN? >> OH, IS THAT ONE OF THE
QUESTIONS? >> Stephen: YEAH, I WASN'T
JUST TRYING TO PSYCH YOU OUT! ( LAUGHTER )
>> WELL, I THOUGHT YOU WERE. ( SHOUTING )
>> GOONIES NEVER SAY DIE! THAT WAS THE ANSWER!
>> Stephen: GOONIES NEVER SAY DIE.
I'VE NEVER SEEN GOONIES. >> EVER?
>> Stephen: I'M A LITTLE TOO OLD.
>> YOU'RE THE ONE? >> Stephen: I'M JUST A LITTLE
TOO OLD. >> THERE'S NEVER TOO OLD FOR
GOONIES. THERE'S GENERATION AFTER
GENERATION -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S SO SAD! >> Stephen: I'M GOING TO WATCH
IT AND CALL YOU UP AFTER I WATCH IT.
>> YOU HAVE TO, LITERALLY. >> Stephen: DO YOU PLAY THE
GOONEY? I'LL GIVE YOU A --
>> I'LL GIVE YOU A NUMBER. NOT MINE, BUT I'LL GIVE YOU
SOMEBODY'S. >> Stephen: FIVE.
I'VE NEVER SEEN GOONIES. >> Stephen: NEVER SEEN GOONIES
OR "SHAWSHANK." >> JAWS?
I'VE SEEN JAWS. >> WELL, "SHAWSHANK" IS ONE OF
THOSE THINGS. YOU CAN'T SAY, I'VE SEEN JAWS,
IS GOONIES GOOD? >> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
ANY OF THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS? >> WHY?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: I'M JUST SAYING
THERE WAS ONLY ONE GOONIES, THERE'S GOING TO BE TEN FAST AND
FURIOUS-S. >> WHATEVER.
>> Stephen: WHY AREN'T YOU IN THE FAST OR FURIOUS.
>> BECAUSE I'M DOING THAT WESTERN THANG INSTEAD!
NEXT QUESTION. >> Stephen: YEAH.
I THINK YOU'RE BEING MEAN TO ME. >> I'M NOT.
YOU SAY THAT EVERY TIME I COME ON HERE.
>> Stephen: EVERY TIME YOU'RE ON I THINK YOU'RE MEAN TO ME.
>> BECAUSE I BEAT YOU ARM WRESTLING AND YOU'RE --
>> Stephen: I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT TO ARM WRESTLE YOU.
I TOLD YOU I NEEDED TO HIT THE PREACHER CURL MACHINE.
>> JUST DO IT. GO.
OH, MY GOD ( BLEEP ). NO, DO IT, GO, GO, GO!
AAAHHH! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: TAKE THAT OUT. TAKE THAT OUT.
EDIT THAT OUT. I WILL NOT TAKE YOUR PITY.
>> THIS IS WHEN ACTING IS LIFE. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE.
>> OH, GOD, YOU JUST SAID FAST AND FURIOUS.
LETHAL WEAPON. >> Stephen: QUALITY.
QUALITY. FIRST ONE.
>> Stephen: WINDOW OR AISLE? OH, AISLE.
I WANT AN ESCAPE, EVEN THOUGH THERE'S NOWHERE TO GO.
>> Stephen: WELL, I WANT TO BE ABLE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: FAVORITE SMELL.
FAVORITE SMELL? UM --
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THIS IS YOURS, BY
THE WAY. >> I FEEL DIRTY WHEN I TALK TO
YOU. IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, CHILDREN'S
SCALPS. >> Stephen: THERE'S A POINT
WHERE THEY LOSE IT, ONE TO THREE.
>> THAT'S THE THING, I HAVE A ONE-YEAR-OLD AND A
THREE-YEAR-OLD NOW SO I'M CON FUMEDLY THAT.
>> Stephen: LEAST FAVORITE SMELL?
>> UM -- PRRRR -- I DON'T LIKE NOT KNOWING WHO IT'S COMING
FROM. I WANT TO KNOW THE PERSON AND
GIVE THEM A LOOK. DUDE -- EVEN IF IT'S A GIRL YOU
SAY, DUDE. >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT
GENTLEMANLY. >> NO, GIRLS DON'T DO THAT.
>> Stephen: THEY GLOW. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: MOST USED APP ON YOUR PHONE.
>> PROBABLY INSTAGRAM. I DON'T LIKE SAYING THAT BUT
IT'S TRUE. >> Stephen: FINE.
NO SHAME THERE. >> WELL, A LITTLE BIT.
>> Stephen: CATS OR DOGS? UM, I LIKE THEM BOTH, BUT
PROBABLY DOGS. >> Stephen: OKAY.
YOU ONLY GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?
WHAT IS IT? >> DESTROYER BY KISS.
( LAUGHTER ) LED ZEPPLIN.
>> Stephen: WHICH ONE? THERE ARE SO MANY.
>> I KNOW THERE'S A LOT. STAIRWAY TO ELEVEN HEAVEN IS
GREAT BUT IT'S OVERPLAYED RIGHT NOW.
FREE BIRD. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: LIVE. LIVE.
FREE BIRD. >> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I
THINKING OF. >> IT'S LONG, TOO.
12 MINUTES. ANYWAY, SORRY.
>> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF?
>> OF ALL THE NUMBERS? ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: HOW ABOUT THIS -- IT'S AN INTEGER.
>> IT'S A WHOLE NUMBER. NO -- THANK YOU FOR DEFINING
INTEGER. >> Stephen: WELL, I'M NOT
GOING FRACTIONS. I'M NOT TRYING TO ( BLEEP ) YU
OVER HERE. IT'S NOT PI, HOW ABOUT THAT?
>> 39. >> Stephen: WHAT?
39. >> Stephen: NO.
WHAT NUMBER WERE YOU THINKING OF?
>> Stephen: NO WAY AM I GOING TO TELL YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
IN FIVE WORDS. >> IN FIVE WORDS?
AM OUT OF HERE NOW. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: JOSH BROLIN,
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE KNOWN! JOSH BROLIN EVERYBODY!
OUT OF RANGE ON AMAZON NOW! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW MY GUEST TONIGHT FROM
"DAVID COPPERFIELD," "HANNIBAL," AND "THE PATH."
HE'S CURRENTLY STARRING IN THE MOVIE, "DOWNTON ABBEY:
A NEW ERA." PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE
SHOW," HUGH DANCY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: HEY, THANKS FOR COMING BACK.
NICE TO SEE YOU. >> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
>> Stephen: NOT ONLY ARE YOU COMING BACK TO THE SHOW, YOU'RE
COMING BACK FROM COMING BACK BECAUSE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE
ON A FEW WEEKS AGO AND I GOT COVID AND WE HAD TO CANCEL.
ACCEPT MY APOLOGY. >> I DIDN'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
>> Stephen: I DIDN'T FAKE IT JUST TO GET OUT OF TALKING TO
YOU. TWO-PLUS YEARS, DID YOU ESCAPE
WITHOUT GETTING IT. >> NO.
A CUP OF TIMES. ALL THE LATEST VERSIONS.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO KEEP UP, EXACTLY.
SOME PEOPLE TOOK UP AN UNUSUAL HOBBY.
>> A LOT OF COOKING. >> Stephen: ANYTHING UNUSUAL.
WE ENDED UP INADVERTENTLY IN A ULYSSES BOOK GROUP.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT THE EASIEST READ.
>> YOU'RE RIGHT. >> Stephen: BECAUSE THEY DON'T
BELIEVE YOU READ IT. EVERYONE SAYS THEY READ ULYSSES
AND NO ONE DOES. >> WHICH IS WHY WE DID IT,, NOT
TO MAKE THE PANDEMIC ABOUT THIS, BUT WHAT BETTER TIME.
>> Stephen: ONE TO HAVE THE OTHER THINGS YOU DID IS TO ACT
IN THE NEW "DOWNTON ABBEY" MOVIE, "DOWNTON ABBEY: A NEW
ERA." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FOR THOSE WHO HAVE FORGOTTEN, THERE'S WHERE YOU SPENT YOUR
TIME. IT MUST HAVE BEEN NICE TO GO TO
A PRE-PANDEMIC WORLD. THEY DON'T HAVE PENICILLIN BUT
AT LEAST THEY DON'T HAVE COVID. >> THEY'VE COME OUT OF THE FIRST
WORLD WAR BUT IT'S NOT 2021, OR 2022, SO IN THAT RESPECT, IT'S
GREAT. THAT WAS MY WORKPLACE.
>> Stephen: ONE MORE TIME, THIS PLACE IS ACTUALLY --
>> THAT'S MY SICK ROOM RIGHT THERE.
>> Stephen: HIGH CLAIRE CASTLE.
>> YES. >> Stephen: WHAT'S IT LIKE
INSIDE? WHEN WE SEE THE SCENES, ARE
THOSE SETS OR THE INSIDE OF THIS PLACE.
>> NO, THAT'S, I THINK, WHERE THEY LIVE, THEY, I THINK, BEING
THE FAMILY WHO LIVE THERE IN THE HOUSE.
>> Stephen: THEY STILL LIVE THERE?
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: WOULD YOU WANT TO
LIVE THERE? >> SURE.
>> Stephen: IT'S A LITTLE DRAFTY --
>> YEAH, BUT I'LL TAKE IT. >> Stephen: WOW, I WOULD LIKE
THE STAFF. >> YES.
WELL, THE STAFF THAT I MET WERE BASICALLY THERE TO STOP ME FROM
TOUCHING ANYTHING. >> Stephen: TO KEEP YOU FROM
STEALING BOOKS OR SOMETHING. >> THE MAIN ROOM IS LINED WITH
THESE INCREDIBLE BOOKS AND AS DISCUSSED I DO LIKE BOOKS AND
YOU GO TO TAKE THEM OUT AND THE REST OF THE CAST HAVE BEEN THERE
FOR A DECADE, NO, NO, YOU CANNOT TAKE THE BOOKS OUT.
THERE'S A RETAINER WHOSE JOB IT IS TO COME AND SMACK YOUR HAND
AWAY. >> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP
HERE. YOU PLAY A DIRECTOR, RIGHT.
>> MOVIE DIRECTOR, SILENT MOVIE, 18928.
189 -- 1928. >> Stephen: WHAT'S HAPPENING
IN THIS SCENE. >> I'M TRYING TO MAKE THE MOVIE.
SOME OF THE FAMILY ARE STILL AROUND AND BASICALLY GETTING IN
THE WAY. >> Stephen: OKAY.
JIM. >> WILL YOU LET HIM KISS YOU?
FEELS AS IF YOU MIGHT -- >> WAIT, WAIT, WHO'S HE?
CUT, CUT, CUT! >> I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS!
HE'S A GREAT FAVORITE HERE, YOU DON'T MIND HIM WATCHING, DO
YOU? >> I DON'T MIND HIM WATCHING, I
JUST DON'T WANT HIM IN IT. >> WELL SPOTTED.
SO NOW YOU JUST DO IT ALL AGAIN.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: I'VE GOT TO
IMAGINE IT'S A BIT OF A JOY TO PERFORM WITH MAGGIE SMITH.
>> IT IS, YES. SHE'S AS ADVERTISED.
>> Stephen: NOW, NOT THE ONLY ICON YOU SPENT TIME WITH BECAUSE
THIS I'M ALSO A LITTLE JEALOUS OF -- THERE'S A LOT OF
JEALOUSY -- IS YOU'RE ALSO STARRING IN SEASON 21 OF "LAW
AND ORDER" WITH THE ALWAYS DELIGHTFUL SAM WATERSTON RIGHT
THERE. >> YES.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: AND I HAVE BEEN
LUCKY ENOUGH TO TALK TO SAM AND DO BITS WITH SAM.
DO YOU EVER HAVE THIS PROBLEM THAT SOMETIMES I JUST GET LOST
IN HIS EYEBROWS. >> YES.
>> Stephen: I WANT TO CURL UP THERE LIKE A FOREST ANIMAL UNDER
A FERN. >> I THINK HE HAS THAT PROBLEM.
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S AMAZING.
HE'S A FANTASTIC MAN. >> Stephen: YOU PLAY AN LEARN
IN THIS. >> I DO.
>> Stephen: AND SPOILER ALERT, YOU'RE A BRIT.
I'M JUST CURIOUS, YOU GREW UP I? >> IN BRITAIN.
IN THE MIDLANDS. WHAT WE CALL THE MIDDLE.
>> Stephen: YOU GREW UP IN THE MIDRIFF OF GREAT BRITAIN, AROUND
THE NAVEL. >> MM-HMM.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IS THE ACCENT
YOU'RE GIVING ME NOW THE ACCENT AROUND WHERE YOU GREW UP.
>> NO. >> Stephen: IS THIS RECEIVED
PRONUNCIATION. >> YES.
I DON'T KNOW WHO RECEIVED IT OR FROM WHOM.
>> Stephen: YOU ARE TO RECEIVE THIS PRONUNCIATION.
>> YES. >> Stephen:?
WHERE'S IT LIKE GROWING UP? ( INDI INDICATING ACCENT)
>> Stephen: I KNOW SOME WORDS TRIP UP BRITS DOING AN AMERICAN
ACCENT. WHAT'S YOUR DANGER SPOT
>> THE TWO I ENCOUNTERED ARE CARNEGIE HALL
>> Stephen: WE SAY CARNEGIE. SAY IT, CARNEGIE HALL
>> CARNEGIE HALL. I CAN'T DO IT.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YOU FOOLED THEM.
CARNEGIE HALL AND HOVERING. THAT'S WHAT A HELICOPTER DOES.
>> Stephen: IT HOVERS. IT DOESN'T -- (PRONOUNCES) --
HOVER. >> IT'S JUST A QUESTION OF A
VOWEL YOU IDENTIFY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WORD.
>> Stephen: UH, UH, UH, HU -- VERING.
( LAUGHTER ) SOME ENGLISH PEOPLE HAVE TROUBLE
SAYING THIS. >> SQUIRREL.
>> Stephen: GIVE ME THE AMERICAN ACCENT OF THAT.
>> AS I THAT. ASSQUIRREL.
>> Stephen: ONE SYLLABLE, RIGHT.
"DOWNTON ABBEY: A NEW ERA" IS IN THEATERS NOW.
HUGH DANCY, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE
SHOW," EVERYBODY! HARRY STYLES IS ON JAMES CORDEN
NEXT! GOOD NIGHT!