STORY OUT OF IDAHO THIS MORNING.
31 PEOPLE ARRESTED FOR CONSPIRACY TO RIOT NEAR A PRIDE
PARADE. POLICE SAY THIS GROUP IS
BELIEVED TO BE AFFILIATED WITH A HATE ORGANIZATION, AND THEY WERE
LOADED INTO A U-HAUL TRUCK PACKING RIOT GEAR.
>> ARE YOU A WHITE SUPREMACIST LOOKING TO MOVE A GROUP OF
ANGRY, LONELY WHITE MEN ON A BUDGET, BUT U-HAUL IS NOT
EXTREME ENOUGH? THEN CALL U-HEIL TODAY.
AT U-HEIL, WE HAVE THE PERFECT VEHICLE FOR YOUR RACIST MOVING
NEEDS. WANT TO TRANSPORT 15 WHITE
SUPREMACISTS TO HARASS A PEACEFUL POLITICAL PROTEST?
RENT OUR KU KLUX VAN. AND, AS ALWAYS, WE OFFER A NO
VENTILATION GUARANTEE. BEST OF ALL, AT U-HEIL, RETURNS
ARE EASY. NO NEED TO EVEN UNLOAD YOUR
WHITE NATIONALIST CARGO. JUST DRIVE IT INTO THE NEAREST
RAVINE.
>> ANNOUNCER: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!"
TONIGHT: HEARING GO AGAIN!
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: BRYAN CRANSTON,
SENATOR RAPHAEL WARNOCK, FEATURING JON BATISTE AND
"STAY HUMAN." AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( THEME SONG PLAYING )
HELLO, LOUIS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT'S UP? PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. WELCOME ONE AND ALL IN HERE, OUT
THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD, ALL THE SHIPS AT SEA TO "THE LATE
SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TODAY WAS EPISODE TWO OF THE
HOT NEW REALITY SHOW, "THE JANUARY 6TH COMMITTEE HEARINGS."
WE'RE ALL WAITING TO FIND OUT IF THE FORMER PRESIDENT GETS TO
GO TO THE FANTASY SUITE WITH LADY JUSTICE.
( LAUGHTER ) SHE'S BLIND, SO HE'S GOT A SHOT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
EPISODE ONE WAS A HUGE HIT, BECAUSE AT LEAST 20 MILLION
PEOPLE WATCHED THURSDAY'S HEARING.
WE WERE LIVE, OKAY? ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S THE KIND AUDIENCE OF USUALLY RESERVED FOR "SUNDAY
NIGHT FOOTBALL." AND THURSDAY'S HEARING
FEATURED EVEN MORE GUYS WITH BRAIN DAMAGE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO FAR, MY MAJOR FEELING ABOUT
THESE HEARINGS IS GRATITUDE. WE KNOW A LOT OF THIS ALREADY,
BUT WATCHING THEM PUT IT TOGETHER REMINDS US THAT
WE'RE NOT CRAZY. ( LAUGHTER )
YOU SEE, FOR THE LAST 17 MONTHS, THE FORMER PRESIDENT AND HIS
SPINELESS TOADIES HAVE BEEN GASLIGHTING US,
TELLING US THAT WE DID NOT SEE WHAT WE ALL SAW: A COUP.
IT'S NOT LIKE THE GUY WAS HIDING IT.
IN THE LEAD-UP, THE FORMER PRESIDENT SAID THINGS LIKE THIS:
>> WILL YOU COMMIT TO MAKING SURE THAT THERE IS A PEACEFUL
TRANSFERAL OF POWER AFTER THE ELECTION?
>> WELL, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS WITH THAT.
>> I UNDERSTAND THAT, BUT PEOPLE ARE RIOTING.
DO YOU COMMIT TO MAKING SURE THERE'S A PEACEFUL TRANSFERAL OF
POWER? >> GET RID OF THE BALLOTS AND
YOU'LL HAVE A VERY PEACEFUL-- THERE WON'T BE A TRANSFER,
FRANKLY. THERE'LL BE A CONTINUATION.
>> STEPHEN: THERE'S YOUR EVIDENCE.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) EXHIBIT A-HOLE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HE TOLD EVERYONE HE WAS GOING TO COMMIT A CRIME, AND THEN WENT
OUT AND CRIMED IT. REMINDS ME OF O.J.'S FIRST BOOK:
"WHEN I'LL DO IT." ( LAUGHTER )
TODAY'S HEARING LAID OUT TWO VITAL POINTS.
FIRST: EVERYONE, ALL OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S ADVISERS,
REPEATEDLY TOLD HIM, IN THE CLEAREST POSSIBLE LANGUAGE
THAT THE ELECTION WASN'T STOLEN, AND THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO
EVIDENCE THAT IT WAS. AND SECOND: THE FORMER PRESIDENT
DECIDED INSTEAD TO LISTEN TO RUDY GIULIANI AND HIS ADVISERS,
ERNEST AND JULIO GALLO. ( APPLAUSE )
SURE, WHY NOT? IT'S AN AMERICAN CLASSIC.
FIRST THING THIS MORNING, LIZ CHENEY LAID OUT THE CASE:
>> YOU WILL ALSO HEAR TESTIMONY THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP REJECTED
THE ADVICE OF HIS CAMPAIGN EXPERTS ON ELECTION NIGHT, AND
INSTEAD FOLLOWED THE COURSE RECOMMENDED BY AN
APPARENTLY-INEBRIATED RUDY GIULIANI TO "JUST CLAIM HE WON,"
AND INSIST THAT THE VOTE-COUNTING STOP TO FALSELY
CLAIM EVERYTHING WAS FRAUDULENT. >> STEPHEN: THAT RAISES THE
QUESTION: HOW MANY OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S TERRIBLE
IDEAS CAME FROM AN INEBRIATED RUDY GIULIANI?
COULD IT BE... CALL OF THEM?
"TELL EVERYBODY TO JUST INJECT THE BLEACH.
WHAT IF YOU NUKED A HURRICANE? I KNOW-- SELL PUERTO RICO.
BUY GREENLAND. THEY TELL YOU NOT TO LOOK AT THE
ECLIPSE-- YOU SHOULD FIGHT!
THE ECLIPSE! THE ECLIPSE WAS LOOKING AT YOUR
WOMAN!" ( APPLAUSE )
AS EVIDENCE OF JUST HOW THIRSTY RUDY WAS, THE COMMITTEE PLAYED
VIDEOTAPED TESTIMONY FROM FORMER CAMPAIGN ADVISOR AND MAN WHO
JUST CHUGGED A TALL GLASS OF HAIR, JASON MILLER.
>> WAS THERE ANYONE IN THAT CONVERSATION WHO, IN YOUR
OBSERVATION, HAD HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK?
>> MAYOR GIULIANI. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: IT'S A BIT OF A LEADING QUESTION.
THEY FOLLOWED UP BY ASKING "DID YOU NOTICE ANYONE WHO WAS
MAYBE FARTING WHILE LEAKING HAIR-DYE AND RANTING IN FRONT OF
A DILDO-SHOP? ANYONE LIKE THAT?
COULD BE ANYONE. TAKE YOUR TIME."
THINK BACK. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) RANTING IN FRONT OF A DILDO
SHOP. THE LAWYER KEPT DIGGING.
>> TELL ME MORE ABOUT THAT. WHAT WAS YOUR OBSERVATION ABOUT
HIS POTENTIAL INTOXICATION DURING THAT DISCUSSION ABOUT
WHAT THE PRESIDENT SHOULD SAY WHEN HE ADDRESSED THE NATION ON
ELECTION NIGHT? >> THE MAYOR WAS DEFINITELY
INTOXICATED, BUT I DO NOT KNOW HIS LEVEL OF INTOXICATION WHEN
HE SPOKE WITH THE PRESIDENT, FOR EXAMPLE.
>> STEPHEN: LET ME HELP YOU HERE.
THERE ARE FIVE LEVELS OF INTOXICATION ON THE RUDY
BREATHALYZER: OVER THE LEGAL LIMIT,
ROOTING AROUND THE DUMPSTER FOR EMPTIES,
ROOTING AROUND IN HIS PANTS IN "BORAT,"
PLANNING COUP IN A BLACKOUT, AND "THE MASKED SINGER."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
AFTER THE HEARING WAS OVER, RUDY'S LAWYER RELEASED A
STATEMENT SAYING THE FORMER MAYOR WASN'T DRUNK ON ELECTION
NIGHT, AND THAT RUDY "DENIES ALL FALSEHOODS BY THE ANGRY AND
MISGUIDED MS. CHENEY." OF COURSE, THE ACTUAL TESTIMONY
WAS GIVEN BY JASON MILLER, NOT LIZ CHENEY.
BUT YOU CAN'T EXPECT HIM TO TELL THOSE PEOPLE APART.
HE'S HAMMERED! ( APPLAUSE )
I'M A LITTLE THIRSTY MYSELF. A LITTLE THIRSTY MYSELF.
OH, YEAH. WE ALSO HEARD FROM THE FORMER
PRESIDENT'S CAMPAIGN MANAGER AND MAN WHO WAS BORN KNOWING HOW TO
PLAY LACROSSE, BILL STEPIEN. THE COMMITTEE PLAYED VIDEO-TAPED
TESTIMONY OF STEPIEN, IN WHICH HE WAS ASKED ABOUT GIULIANI AND
HIS PALS, WHO WERE PUSHING ALL THE ELECTION FRAUD CONSPIRACIES:
>> THERE TWO GROUPS OF THEM. WE CALLED THEM, KIND OF
"MY TEAM" AND "RUDY'S TEAM." I DIDN'T MIND BEING CATEGORIZED
AS "TEAM NORMAL," AS REPORTERS KIND OF STARTED TO DO AT THAT
POINT IN TIME. >> IT'S TRUE, THERE WERE TWO
DIFFERENT TEAMS. THERE WERE TEAM NORMAL AND TEAM
RUDY, ALSO KNOWN AS THE CHARDONN-A TEAM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ONE MORE RUDY JOKE!
THE FORMER PRESIDENT DID NOT WIN, AND TO BACK THAT UP, THEY
BROUGHT IN FORMER FOX NEWS EITOR AND HARDBOILED EGG
REJECTED ON A ZOOM DATE CHRIS STIREWALT.
CHRIS WAS PART OF THE ELECTION TEAM
THAT CALLED ARIZONA FOR BIDEN. HE WENT ON THE AIR TO DEFEND
THAT DECISION, WHICH ENRAGED THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
TWO MONTHS LATER, STIREWALT WAS FIRED BY FOX.
AND TODAY, WHEN HE WAS ASKED ABOUT CALLING ARIZONA, IT
SEEMED LIKE STIREWALT WANTED HIS OLD JOB BACK:
>> IT WAS REALLY CONTROVERSIAL TO OUR COMPETITORS, WHO WE
BEAT SO BADLY BY MAKING THE CORRECT CALL FIRST.
OUR DECISION DESK WAS THE BEST IN THE BUSINESS, AND I WAS VERY
PROUD TO BE A PART OF IT. LET ME TELL YOU, OUR POLL IN
ARIZONA WAS BEAUTIFUL. WE WERE ABLE TO MAKE THE CALL
EARLY. WE WERE ABLE TO BEAT THE
COMPETITION. >> STEPHEN: "I'M ALSO FLUENT IN
SPANISH, PROFICIENT IN MICROSOFT EXCEL, I DRIVE STICK, AND MY
GREATEST WEAKNESS IS THAT I CARE TOO MUCH.
PLEASE, SOMEBODY HIRE ME! NO ONE'S SIGNING UP FOR MY
ONLYFANS!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
POOR GUY, HE DID THE RIGHT THIN. THE COMMITTEE PLAYED SOME OF THE
FORMER PRESIDENT'S GREATEST ELECTION-DENYING HITS, INCLUDING
THIS GEM: >> IT WAS 10:00.
AND YOU LOOKED AT THE NUMBERS. AND I'M SURE YOU FELT THAT WAY.
THIS ELECTION WAS OVER. AND THEN THEY DID DUMPS.
THEY CALL THEM "DUMPS." BIG, MASSIVE DUMPS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: TO GIVE YOU SOME IDEA OF HOW MASSIVE?
FOUR HOURS EARLIER, THIS WAS DINNER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I'M SORRY. YOU'RE NICE PEOPLE.
I'M SORRY. ONE BREAK-OUT STAR RETURNED FROM
NIGHT ONE: FORMER ATTORNEY GENERAL AND SITH LORD SUMMONING
ANOTHER BASKET OF ONION RINGS, BILL BARR.
BILL BARR EXPLAINED THAT HE NEVER BOUGHT GIULIANI'S FRAUD
THEORIES, AS HE EXPLICITLY TOLD THE FORMER PRESIDENT:
>> I TOLD HIM THAT THE STUFF THAT HIS PEOPLE WERE SHOVELING
OUT TO THE PUBLIC IS (BLEEP). THAT THE CLAIMS OF FRAUD WERE
(BLEEP). I REITERATED THAT THEY WASTED A
WHOLE MONTH ON THESE CLAIMS, ON THE DOMINION VOTING MACHINES,
AND THEY WERE IDIOTIC CLAIMS. I THOUGHT, BOY, IF HE REALLY
BELIEVES THIS STUFF HE HAS, YOU KNOW, LOST CONTACT WITH-- HE'S
BECOME DETACHED FROM REALITY, IF HE REALLY BELIEVES THIS STUFF.
>> STEPHEN: IT'S SO SAD TO THINK THAT THE MAN WHO SPENT YEARS
INSISTING THAT WINDMILLS CAUSE CANCER SOMEHOW LOST TOUCH WITH
REALITY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MY BOSS IS HERE, THE TASK MASTERS, THE OVERLORDS, THE
BRASS, T THE HONCHOS HERE AT CBS WILL NOT ALLOW ME
TO REPEAT WHAT BARR CALLED THOSE CLAIMS.
IS THERE ANOTHER WAY OF DESCRIBING THEM?
>> DUMPS. BIG, MASSIVE DUMPS.
>> STEPHEN: THANK YOU. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE BRYAN CRANSTON AND SENATOR RAPHAEL WARNOCK.
WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR
LOLOUIS CATO AND "STAY HUMAN" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LOUIS, WE HAVE AN AMAZING LINEUP ON THE SHOW.
WE HAVE SENATOR RAPHAEL WARNOCK TONIGHT FROM THE GREAT STATE OF
GEORGIA. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND WE HAVE OUR FRIEND BRYAN CRANSTON IS GOING TO BE HERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I ALWAYS ENJOY TALKING WITH
BRYAN CRANSTON. IT'S THE EIGHTH TIME HE'S BEEN
ON THE SHOW. TWO MORE AND HE GETS TO KEEP THE
MUG. YOU'VE GOT TO EARN IT.
( LAUGHTER ) FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME,
RIGHT OVER THERE, FORMING THE DAY'S FINEST NEWS BRICKS INTO A
STUPA, AND SLOPING ROOFS WITH UPTURNED EDGES IN ACCORDANCE
WITH COSMIC MANDALA BELIEFS TO CREATE FOR YOU THE GLORIOUS
10TH CENTURY DVARA-VATI PAGODA THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES-- SOMETIMES, FOLKS--
SOMETIMES-- SOMETIMES, I SCAVENGE THE
PLANKS FROM AN OLD LOADING PALETTE TO PROP AGAINST A
DOWNED POWER LINE, COVER IT ALL WITH A STOLEN CONSTRUCTION TARP
AND COWER UNDER THE STAINED VAGRANT'S LEAN-TO OF NEWS THAT
IS MY SEGMENT: ♪♪
"MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: IT'S A SHOT OF ADRENALINE, STRAIGHT TO THE
HEART. ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, IN HER NEW DOCUMENTARY, JENNIFER LOPEZ SAID
THAT SHARING THE SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW WITH SHAKIRA WAS
"THE WORST IDEA IN THE WORLD." COINCIDENTALLY, ALSO THE
ORIGINAL TAGLINE FOR "GIGLI." ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, GREAT NEWS, DICKENS COSPLAYERS: "DEADLY VICTORIAN
DISEASES ARE ON THE RISE." DUE TO "ANTI-VACCINE SENTIMENT,"
DOCTORS ARE SEEING THE RETURN OF "WHOOPING COUGH, MEASLES,
TYPHOID, SCARLET FEVER, DIPHTHERIA, AND MUMPS."
THANKS, ANTI-VAXXERS. REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO
GETTING LAID UP WITH A CASE OF BILIOUS DROPSY.
"SORRY I CAN'T MAKE YOUR WEDDING, MY AUNT 'DID HER OWN
RESEARCH' AND NOW I HAVE 'SCRIVENER'S AGUE.'
BUT MY BARBER IS LEECHING ME AS FAST AS HE CAN."
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, "NETFLIX HAS
GREEN-LIT 'SQUID GAME' SEASON TWO."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GREAT!
COME ON, YEAH! NOW THEY CAN FINALLY WIN...
ALL THE SQUID? I NEVER FINISHED IT.
( LAUGHTER ) I SAW SOME...
GOT SAD. GOODBYE.
MEANWHILE, YESTERDAY SAW THE SLOWEST HOME RUN PITCH IN MAJOR
LEAGUE BASEBALL HISTORY. THE CHICAGO CUBS WERE DOWN 17-3
AGAINST THE YANKEES, AND AFTER BURNING THROUGH FOUR PITCHERS,
THE CUBS SAID "SCREW IT," AND PUT IN FIRST BASEMAN FRANK
SCHWINDEL, WHO THREW THIS 35 M.P.H. PITCH.
>> ROBERTS TRIED TO BRING IN POSITION PLAYER--
HIGH FLY BALL OF THE BAT OF HIGASHIOKA.
DID HE GET IT? OH, HE GOT IT.
>> STEPHEN: NOW, I'M NO BASEBALL PLAYER...
AND NEITHER, APPARENTLY, IS FRANK SCHWINDEL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, THERE'S NEWS FROM THE WORLD OF BRITISH SPORT, BECAUSE
"A MAN HAS WON THE POWYS RACE," "A RACE THAT PITS MAN AGAINST
HORSE OVER A 22.5-MILE COURSE IN LI-NERD-ID WELLS, POWYS, WALES."
IT IS SPELLED THAT WAY. IT IS SPELLED THAT WAY UP THERE,
BECAUSE THE VERY FIRST EVENT WAS WON BY
THE HORSE, AND ITS PRIZE WAS NAMING THE TOWN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, TO CUT DOWN ON PUBLIC URINATION, THE BOSTON SUBWAY
SYSTEM IS PLACING URINE DETECTION SENSORS IN FOUR
DOWNTOWN ELEVATORS. WOW!
THE BOSTON SUBWAY HAS ELEVATORS? HERE IN NEW YORK WE JUST HAVE
THESE PORTA POTTIES THAT MOVE UP AND DOWN AND THEY'RE WHAT?
OH, MY GOD! ( LAUGHTER )
APPARENTLY, THE ELEVATORS WERE SELECTED BASED ON HOW OFTEN
PEOPLE WERE PEAKING IN THE CABS. IN BOSTON THEY CALL ELEVATORS
CABS. WHICH CAN BE CONFUSING FOR
ALL THE RED SOX FANS PEEING IN TAXIS.
( APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, HOT TREND ALERT!
THE NEW COOL THING IS CAVIAR BUMPS, IN WHICH A DOLLOP OF
THE FISH ROE IS EATEN-- NOT SNORTED-- OFF THE BACK OF ONE'S
HAND. PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS A
HOBBY THAT SAYS, "WHEN THE REVOLUTION COMES, I WONDER WHICH
WALL THEY'RE GOING TO LINE ME UP AGAINST TO SHOOT."
ONE CAVIAR BUMP ENTHUSIAST SAID, "PEOPLE USED TO GET HIGH OFF OF
DRUGS. NOW, WE'RE GETTING HIGH OFF THE
FOOD." CAVIAR IS THE NEW COCAINE.
GOING TO BE WEIRD FOR TEENS. "DAD, I SWEAR, I'M JUST HOLDING
THIS MOTHER-OF-PEARL SPOON FOR A FRIEND!
I'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN THOSE BLINIS AND CREME FRAICHE
BEFORE." ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, IN SEX INSURANCE NEWS, "GEICO MIGHT HAVE TO PAY A
WOMAN WHO GOT H.P.V. AFTER SEX IN AN INSURED CAR."
WAS SHE CONFUSED ABOUT HOW INSURANCE WORKS?
"NO, BABY, WE DON'T NEED TO WEAR CONDOMS, I HAVE A COLLISION
LIABILITY WAIVER!" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) GEICO IS APPEALING, BUT THE
WOMAN HAS ALREADY BEEN AWARDED $5.2 MILLION BECAUSE SHE SAID
SHE CONTRACTED A SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE WHILE HAVING
SEX IN THE CAR OF A MAN WHO IS INSURED BY THE COMPANY.
MAN, YOU KNOW THE SEX IS GOOD WHEN, AFTER YOU'RE DONE, YOU
HAVE TO EXCHANGE INSURANCE INFORMATION.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT IS MORE THAN A
FENDER-BENDER. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, HEARTS ARE AFLUTTER AFTER "CHRIS EVANS' BOSTON
ACCENT SLIPPED OUT DURING AN INTERVIEW, SPARKING THIRSTY
INTERNET REACTIONS." HERE'S A LISTEN:
>> YOU GOT THE MUSTACHE WITHOUT THE MUSTACHE--
>> AHH, WHAT DO YOU PREFER, MUSTACHE OR NO MUSTACHE?
BE HONEST, BE HONEST. >> STEPHEN: OOH, I WOULD TOTALLY
DO IT WITH HIM IN A CAH PAHKED IN HAHVAHD YAHD.
( APPLAUSE ) ESPECIALLY IF HE'S INSURED BY
THAT ( BLEEP ) AT GEICO. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BRYAN
CRANSTON.
>> Stephen: HEY! WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
OH, WHAT A TREAT. OH, WHAT A TREAT FOR EVERYBODY
OUT THERE. MY FIRST GUEST IS A SIX-TIME
EMMY AND TWO-TIME TONY AWARD-WINNING ACTOR YOU KNOW
FROM "YOUR HONOR," "NETWORK," AND "BREAKING BAD."
HE NOW STARS IN "JERRY AND MARGE GO LARGE."
>> BOTH SIDES. THAT IS WHERE I WENT WRONG.
I DIDN'T CALCULATE THE FREQUENCY OF PROBABILITY.
IT'S JUST MATH. >> OH, I DON'T LIKE MATH.
. OH, I'M SORRY.
HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU -- UH -- HERE.
SO IF YOU TAKE A COIN, AND YOU FLIPPED IT A THOUSAND TIMES, YOU
MIGHT STILL GET 60% HITS. BUT IF YOU FLIPPED IT 5,000
TIMES, THE PROBABILITY GETS CLOSER TO 50%.
THE SAMPLE HAS TO BE LARGE ENOUGH TO TAKE LUCK OUT OF THE
EQUATION. AND THIS IS FOR YOU.
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," BRYAN
CRANSTON! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
>> YOUR AUDIENCE IS ALWAYS SO COCAINED UP, I TELL YA, I LOVE
IT! >> Stephen: WELL, YEAH.
VERY ENERGIZED. >> Stephen: THAT'S HOW YOU GET
THE BIG NUMBERS. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: BRYAN, LOVELY TO SEE YOU.
>> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: I KNOW YOU'RE A
BUSY, BUSY MAN, WHAT BEING A SEA CAPTAIN NOW.
BRINGING IN YOUR LOAD FROM AN OLD CAFE.
>> I COULD BE A SEA CAPTAIN. I COULD DO THE REMAKE TO HAVE
THE MIRACLE ON 34th STREET, OR I COULD BE AN OLD TIMER
PROSPECTOR, OR LIKE RUTHERFORD B. HAYES, ONE OF OUR PRESIDENTS.
>> Stephen: YOU COULD BE A 19th CENTURY PRESIDENT.
>> LET ME LOOK OFF LIKE THAT, ALWAYS LOOKING TO THE SIDE.
>> Stephen: YES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WHO DICE OF DROPSY.
>> DIES A HORRIBLE DEATH. OR IT COULD BE I'VE JUST LOST MY
RAZOR. >> Stephen: NOW, JENNA FISHER
AND ANGELA KINSEY HAVE A BOOK ABOUT "THE OFFICE" AND THEY TALK
ABOUT THE EPISODE YOU DIRECTED CALLED WORK BUS.
IN THE EPISODE, THEY CALL IT DEATH BUS.
>> OH, THAT'S JUST SO UNFAIR. >> Stephen: IT'S NOT ENTIRELY
UNFAIR BASED UPON WHAT I READ. CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO THE PEOPLE
WHY IT'S CALLED DEATH BUS? >> WELL, OKAY, SO THE TEAM HAS
FUMIGATION AT THE OFFICE, SO WE HAVE TO GO ON TO A BUS, AND WE
SET UP DESKS ON THE BUS TO BE ABLE TO CONTINUE TO DO THE WORK.
IN ORDER TO DO THAT, AND WE HAVE ALL THESE ACTORS IN THERE, THEY
PULLED ON A TRAILER REFRIGERATION SYSTEM, AN AC
SYSTEM. BUT WHAT THEY DIDN'T PLAN ON,
THEY DIDN'T THINK THAT WHERE THE INTAKE FOR THE REFRIGERATION
SYSTEM WAS WAS EXACTLY LINED UP TO WHERE THE TAILPIPE OF THE BUS
WAS. SO THE EXHAUST OF THE BUS WAS
GOING RIGHT TO THE INTAKE, COOLING IT, BECAUSE, WHEN YOU
BREATHE IN CARBON MONOXIDE, YOU WANT IT COOL.
THE COOLER THE BETTER. >> Stephen: IT'S LIKE A
MENTHOLATED CIGARETTE. >> IT IS.
AS YOU FALL INTO A DEEP COMA AND EVENTUALLY DIE, YOU WANT TO KNOW
YOU WENT OUT SMOOTHLY, SOFTLY. >> Stephen: HOW LONG DID IT
TAKE TO REALIZE THIS? >> OKAY, SO IT'S NOT FAIR IT'S
CALLED DEATH BUS BECAUSE NO ONE DIED.
( LAUGHTER ) I'LL ADMIT, IT WAS MY AIM, BUT
JENNA FISHER ACTUALLY SAVED EVERYONE'S LIFE.
>> Stephen: HOW? WELL, SHE SAID, I SMELL
EXHAUST, IT'S COME I THINK SIDE THE BUS -- IT'S COMING INSIDE
THE BUS. I'M THINKING, JENNA...
HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? SHE SAID, NO, IT'S COMING IN.
I GOT A CHAIR AND STOOD UP ON THE THING AND STUCK MY NOSE UP
IN THERE AND, SURE ENOUGH, IT WAS BILLOWING DOWN.
IT WAS CARBON MONOXIDE. I WASN'T SO SURE, SO I GOT A
SECOND WIND, I GOT NICE AND DIZZY AND THEN REALIZED, OH, MY
GOD WE COULD HAVE CALL -- ALL BEEN DEAD.
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ONE HELL OF AN EPISODE.
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE FINALE BEFORE THEY PLANNED THAT,
THOUGH. I HEARD YOU WERE IN THE EPISODE
THAT FOLLOWED THAT PRODUCTION. >> Announcer: I WAS IN THE
NEXT ONE. I WAS BROCCOLI ROB IN THE NEXT
EPISODE WHICH IS CALLED HERE COMES TROUBLE.
>> DID YOU ENJOY THAT EXPERIENCE?
>> Stephen: VERY MUCH. I LOOK FORWARD TO WATCHING IT
SOME DAY. >> STEPHEN!
>> Stephen: I'VE ACTUALLY NEVER SEEN ITS.
>> WHY? >> Stephen: I JUST HAVEN'T HAD
A CHANCE. >> COME ON!
>> Stephen: WAS IT GOOD? I'VE NEVER SEEN IT EITHER.
( APPLAUSE ) SINCE WE'RE BEING HONEST.
>> Stephen: YOU AND YOUR FRIEND AND FRIEND OF THE SHOW
AARON PAUL, AS WE'VE SAID BEFORE, HAVE A LOVELY MASCAL
COMPANY CALLED HOMBRES. >> I'D LOVE A LITTLE SNORT
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HERE'S THE
THING -- YOU GUYS -- WOULD YOU LIKE A SIP OR --
>> I JUST LIKE TO SIP IT. SERVE IT AND EAT.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL. >> Stephen: OKAY.
THIS YEAR YOU TOOK THE MEZCAL ON A TOUR.
WHAT WAS THE TOUR? WHAT DID YOU GUYS DO?
>> IT'S CRAZY. IT'S LIKE A -- SALUTE.
>> Stephen: SURE. I CAN FEEL BAD DECISIONS COMING
ON. >> YES.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW WHY I FEEL LIKE FIGHTING YOU RIGHT
NOW. >> OH, YOU DON'T WANT TO FIGHT
WITH THIS BECAUSE THIS COMES WITH A FIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I SAW A PHOTO OF
YOU GUYS ON REDDIT, KIND OF A COSTCO, SIGNING BOTTLES.
>> IT'S ALL GLAMOUR. IT'S SHOW BUSINESS, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: SURE. IT'S ALL GLAMOUR, ALL THE
TIME. MMM...
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK, BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, BRYAN AND I WILL GAMBLE
WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S MONEY. STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WE'RE BACK HERE WITH MR. BRYAN
CRANSTON. NOW, YOU STAR IN "JERRY AND
MARGE GO LARGE." >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I KNEW THIS STORY BEFORE THE FILM CAME OUT.
I LOVE THE STORY. TELL THE FOLKS WHAT IT'S ABOUT.
>> A RETIRED COUPLE, JERRY AND MARGE SELBY, A REAL-LIFE COUPLE,
IN MICHIGAN, A VERY SMALL ONE, ONE TRAFFIC LIGHT.
HE HAS A BRILLIANT MATHEMATICAL MIND, WORKED FOR KELLOGG FOR
YEARS, 65 YEARS OLD, IT'S TIME HE RETIRED BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO WITH HIMSELF. HE GOES TO HIS FRIEND, GAS
STATION, SELLS MILK, COFFEE AND LOTTO TICKETS AND READS THE
TABLE TINT ON THE TABLE. HE TAKES OUT HIS MECHANICAL
PENCIL AND NAPKIN AND HE FIGURES OUT THE RULES OF THIS, THE WAY
THE GAME IS STRUCTURED, AND HE SEES A MATHEMATICAL FLAW IN THE
CONSTRUCT OF THE GAME AND HE REALIZES THAT IF HE PLAYS AT A
CERTAIN TIME AND A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF MONEY, THE ODDS ARE IN
HIS FAVOR TO WIN. SO HE GETS HIS ENTIRE TOWN --
VIRTUALLY -- AND HIS KIDS ARE INVOLVED IN IT, AND THEY BET
HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS, AND IT KEEPS GOING UP
AND UP AND UP FORKS NINE YEARS THEY PLAYED --
>> Stephen: AND THEY'RE WINNING.
>> THEY'RE WINNING EVERY TIME BECAUSE IT'S MATH, IT'S EITHER
RIGHT OR WRONG, AND IT'S RIGHT, AND THEY END UP WINNING
$27 MILLION. >> Stephen: WOW.
WOW IS RIGHT. >> Stephen: THAT IS A HOPEFUL
STORY. >> YES!
IT WAS GREAT. ANNETTE BENING PLAYS MARGE TO MY
JERRY. HE'S NOT ONLY A GREAT ACTOR BUT
SUCH A LOVELY HUMAN BEING, SO WE HAD A GREAT TIME.
>> Stephen: I DON'T PLAY THE LOTTO MUCH, BUT WE DO LIKE TO DO
SOMETHING ON THE SHOW WHICH WE CALL SACK, SACK, SACK, SACK,
SACK. IT'S A THURSDAY SHOW, WE DO A
SACK EVERY WEEK WHERE PEOPLE GO AROUND, WRITE THEIR NAME ON A
DOLLAR BILL, PUT IT IN A SACK, AND THEY ACTUALLY PUT IT IN THIS
SACK. >> OH, OKAY.
>> Stephen: THEY PUT IT IN THIS SACK RIGHT HERE, AND THIS
IS PROBABLY ILLEGAL, BUT -- AND THEN WHAT I DO IS I PICK A NAME
OUT TO WHO THE WINNER IS. >> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: ACTUALLY, I PICK OUT TWICE.
I PICK OUT THE FIRST ONE, I GO TONIGHT'S LOSER IS, BECAUSE THIS
IS THE PERSON WHO WOULD HAVE WON IF WE WERE CHOOSING THE FIRST
DOLLAR. AND I SAY, THE LOSER --
>> WHO DOES THAT? >> Stephen: I DO THAT.
THAT'S JUST CRUEL. >> Stephen: IT IS.
IT'S KIND OF FUNNY, THOUGH. AND I DO THE WINNER.
AND IF IT'S A TOUGH WEEK I MATCH THE SACK.
SO WOULD YOU HELP ME? >> THIS IS A RALE DEAL.
>> Stephen: THIS IS A REAL SACK FILLED WITH REAL AMERICAN
GREENBACKS IN THERE. SO TONIGHT'S LOSER IS --
>> OH, MY GOD I HAVE TO PLAY YOUR CRUEL GAME?
TONIGHT'S LOSER IS... ( DRUM ROLL )
-- IS TOM CARROLL. >> Stephen: VIDEO ENGINEER.
SORRY, TOM. >> I'M GOING TO GET YOU A BOTTLE
OF DOS HOMBRES. SO YOU'RE NOT A LOSER.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: TONIGHT'S WINNER
IS -- >> TONIGHT'S WINNER IS -- GEORGE
WASHINGTON? OH --
>> Stephen: JESSE ANN DERRICK! MAKEUP AND WARDROBE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> SACK, SACK, SACK, SACK, SACK! >> Stephen: BRYAN.
VERY NICE. >> Stephen: ALWAYS A PLEASURE.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. >> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: AN ARTIST AND -- BY THE WAY, THANK YOU FOR
YOUR MONOLOGUES EVERY NIGHT TO MAKE US LAUGH THROUGH A LOT OF
THE PAIN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: OH, YOU'RE VERY KIND.
>> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: "JERRY AND MARGE
GO LARGE" PREMIERES FRIDAY ON PARAMOUNT+.
BRYAN CRANSTON, EVERYBODY! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH GEORGIA
SENATOR RAPHAEL WARNOCK. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
THANK YOU, LOUIS! >> STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: HOW YOU DOING? DOING ALL RIGHT, MAN.
DOING GOOD. >> Stephen: MY NEXT GUEST IS A
PASTOR, POLITICIAN, AND AUTHOR, WHO
CURRENTLY SERVES AS A UNITED STATES SENATOR FROM GEORGIA.
PLEASE WELCOME SENATOR RAPHAEL WARNOCK!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> WHOA! >> Stephen: SENATOR, THANK YOU
FOR BEING HERE. >> SOUNDS LIKE MY CHURCH ON A
SUNDAY MORNING. >> Stephen: YOU DESCRIBE
YOURSELF AS A SENATOR -- NOT AS A SENATOR WHO USED TO BE A
PASTOR, BUT A PASTOR IN THE SENATE.
ARE YOU STILL PASTOR AT EBENEZER BAPTIST?
>> YES, I PREACH EVERY SUNDAY. >> Stephen: OKAY.
YOU'RE A SENATOR AND YOU GO HOME AND PREACH.
>> YES. >> Stephen: THIS IS THE CHURCH
WHERE MARTIN LUTHER KING WAS CO-PASTOR.
>> RIGHT. >> Stephen: WHAT DOES IT MEAN
TO YOU TO GO BACK AND PREACH FROM THE PULPIT EVERY SUNDAY?
>> I WANTED TO GO BACK TO DR. KING'S SCHOOL.
I DIDN'T KNOW I WOULD BE A PASTOR OF HIS CHURCH.
IT'S AN HONOR TO BE THERE EVERY SUNDAY AND IT KEEPS ME GROUNDED
IN THE SENATE. THE LAST THING I WANT TO DO IS
TALK TO POLITICIANS ALL THE TIME.
I'M AFRAID I MIGHT ACCIDENTALLY BECOME ONE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WAS IN THE AIRPORT THE OTHER
DAY, AND THIS WOMAN, SHE RECOGNIZED ME BUT SHE DIDN'T
KNOW WHY, AND FINALLY SHE SAID, ARE YOU A POLITICIAN?
I SAID, I SURE HOPE NOT. I'M IN ELECTED OFFICE, BUT I
WANT TO REMAIN A PUBLIC SERVANT WHO SERVES IN THE OFFICE AND,
WHEN I'M ON THE FLOOR OF THE SENATE TRYING TO REDUCE THE COST
OF INSULIN -- I HAVE AN INSULIN BILL WHICH WOULD REDUCE PEOPLE'S
OUT OF POCKET COST TO $35 PER MONTH PER INDIVIDUAL -- I'M
THINKING OF THE FAMILIES I'VE SAT WITH WHO STRUGGLE WITH
DIABETES WHEN THEY'VE GOTTEN THE NEWS THEY HAVE TO HAVE AN
AMPUTATION, OR WILL HAVE TO GO ON DIALYSIS.
ONE IN FOUR DOLLARS IN OUR HEALTHCARE SYSTEM IS SPENT ON
SOMEBODY WITH DIABETES. SO IF WE CAP THE COSTS, NOT ONLY
DO WE HELP THOSE INDIVIDUALS, I THINK WE DO A LOT IN ADDRESSING
OUR OVERALL HEALTHCARE SYSTEM. SO THE WORK THAT I DO AS A
PASTOR AND SHOWING UP AND MOVING IN THE COMMUNITY AND PEOPLE ARE
SURPRISED TO SEE ME IN THE GROCERY STORE, ONE OF THE THINGS
I'VE LEARNED AS A PASTOR IS YOU CAN'T SERVE THE PEOPLE IF YOU
DON'T SPEND TIME WITH THE PEOPLE, IF YOU DON'T LOVE THE
PEOPLE. AND THAT'S THE WORK THAT I'M
TRYING TO DO. I THINK THERE'S NO SHORTAGE OF
TRANSACTIONAL POLITICIANS IN WASHINGTON WHO ARE SO FOCUSED ON
THE NEXT ELECTION THAT THEY'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT THE NEXT
GENERATION. THAT IS WHAT CAUSES YOU TO BE
UNABLE TO DO THING AFTER COLUMBINE, AFTER SANDY HOOK.
IT'S POLITICIANS THINKING ABOUT THEMSELVES.
SO, YEAH, I'VE GOT AN ELECTION, BUT I'M GOING TO STAY FOCUSED ON
THE PEOPLE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A NEW BOOK, "A WAY OUT OF NO WAY."
I WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT THAT TITLE IN JUST ONE MOMENT.
BUT YOU TALK ABOUT GOING BACK AND PREACHING ON SUNDAYS -- IS
THERE A PARTICULAR VERSE OF SCRIPTURE THAT GIVES YOU SOLACE,
THAT KEEPS YOU GOING IN HARD TIMES, WHEN THINGS SEEM HOPELESS
TO YOU? >> YOU SHOULDN'T ASK ME ABOUT A
SINGLE VERSE OF SCRIPTURE. >> Stephen: I KNOW YOU'RE A
PASTOR. BUT GIVE ME YOUR TOP THREE.
>> I GREW UP IN A HOUSEHOLD WHERE EVEN WHEN WE WE WEREN'T
QUOTING SCRIPTURE, MY PARENTS SOUNDED LIKE THEY WERE QUOTING
SCRIPTURE. ALWAYS IN THE KING JAMES ENGLISE
DISHES. LEST I SMITE THEE WITH MY ROD
AND STAFF. ( LAUGHTER )
I GREW UP IN THE SOUTH. YOU KNOW, IN THESE TOUGH TIMES,
I HAVE BEEN GOING BACK AGAIN AND AGAIN TO THAT VERSE IN THE
GOSPEL OF JOHN CHAPTER 1 WHERE IT SAYS THE LIGHT SHINES IN THE
DARKNESS, AND THE DARKNESS OVERCOMETH IT NOT.
IT'S THE RECOGNITION THAT THE DAYS ARE DIFFICULT, THAT THE
TIMES ARE DARK, AND, YET, THERE'S A LIGHT THAT PIERCES
THROUGH, THAT BREAKS THROUGH, AND I THINK ALL OF US OUGHT TO
TRY TO BE PART OF THAT LIGHT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: SO WHERE DOES THE TITLE COME FROM, "A WAY OUT OF
NO WAY." >> IT'S DEEP IN THE CULTURE OF
THE BLACK CHURCH. YOU'RE NOT IN A BLACK CHURCH FOR
LONG BEFORE YOU HEAR SOMEBODY SAY EITHER FROM THE PULPIT OR A
SONG OR A TESTIMONY THAT GOD MAKES A WAY OUT OF NO WAY.
THAT IS A KIND OF FAITH BORN OF STRUGGLE, OF OPPRESSION, AND YET
KEEPING THE FAITH AND HOPING AGAINST HOPE, AND GETTING UP AND
PUTTING ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER AND PRESSING ON EVEN WHEN
YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY SURE WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO GET THERE.
IT'S A SENSE AS, WHEN YOU MAKE YOUR WAY, GOD MAKES A WAY OUT OF
NO WAY. WE WORK IN PARTNERSHIP WITH GOD
AND OTHERS TO DO THE GOOD WORK. >> Stephen: YOUR DEAR FRIEND
JOHN LEWIS WAS ALSO ONE TO HAVE THE PARISHIONERS THERE.
WHAT DID HIS EXAMPLE MEAN TO YOU?
>> JOHN LEWIS IS AN ENDURING INSPIRATION FOR ME.
I MET HIM WHEN I WAS A COLLEGE STUDENT.
WE HAD AN EVENT AT THE SCHOOL AND HE SHOWED UP, AND I DON'T
REMEMBER WHAT HE SAID, BUT IT WAS JUST HIS PRESENCE THAT MEANT
SO MUCH. AND THEN LATER I BECAME HIS
PASTOR. HE REMINDS ME IN TIMES LIKE
THESE THAT WE HAVE TO KEEP THE FAITH, THAT WE HAVE TO CONTINUE
TO GET IN WHAT HE CALLED "GOOD TROUBLE," AND, YOU KNOW, I HAD
THE HONOR OF PRESIDING OVER HIS FUNERAL.
AND WHEN I THINK ABOUT A YOUNG JOHN LEWIS CROSSING THE EDMUND
PETTUS BRIDGE WEARING A TRENCH COAT, BACKPACK, HE DIDN'T HAVE
ANY REASON TO BELIEVE HE COULD WIN.
I SOMETIMES WONDER WHAT WAS HE THINKING?
HERE'S WHAT I KNOW -- HE WAS NOT THINKING THAT, ONE DAY, AT HIS
FUNERAL, THREE AMERICAN PRESIDENTS WOULD SHOW UP AT
EBENEZER CHURCH ON BOTH SIDES TO HAVE THE AISLES.
HE WASN'T THINKING HE WOULD BE THE RECIPIENT OF THE
PRESIDENTIAL MEDAL OF FREEDOM. I THINK HE WAS JUST TRYING TO
STAY ALIVE THAT DAY SO HE COULD FIGHT THE NEXT DAY.
BUT, SOMEHOW, THROUGH SOME STROKE OF DESTINY MINGLED WITH
HUMAN DETERMINATION, HE MANAGED TO BEND THAT ARC A LITTLE BIT
CLOSER TOWARD JUSTICE. THAT'S OUR JOB TO KEEP BENDING
THAT ARC. WHEN I THINK ABOUT HIM EVEN IN
TIMES LIKE THIS, WHO AM I TO GIVE UP?
WHO AM I TO BE CYNICAL IN A MOMENT LIKE THIS?
I TAKE THE LONG VIEW, AND KEEP DOING THE WORK.
>> Stephen: SENATOR, THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NICE TO MEET YOU.
HIS MEMOIR, "A WAY OUT OF NO WAY," IS AVAILABLE TOMORROW.
SENATOR RAPHAEL WARNOCK, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: WELL, THAT'S IT FOR
"THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY. TUNE IN TOMORROW, WHEN MY
GUESTS WILL BE BOB WOODWARD AND CARL BERNSTEIN.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. GOOD NIGHT.