1 00:00:01,301 --> 00:00:04,804 >> K-POP SUPERSTARS BTS SAY THEY AREN'T BLOWING UP THE GROUP LIKE 2 00:00:04,871 --> 00:00:08,742 DYNAMITE-- SORRY. THEY'RE SIMPLY TAKING A BREAK. 3 00:00:08,808 --> 00:00:11,578 THE MASSIVELY POPULAR BOY BAND MADE THE ANNOUNCEMENT DURING 4 00:00:11,644 --> 00:00:13,913 THEIR NINTH ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION, AND IT WAS VERY 5 00:00:13,980 --> 00:00:17,917 CAREFUL TO CALL THIS A HIATUS. >> IT REALLY DOES FEEL LIKE THE 6 00:00:17,984 --> 00:00:20,720 END OF AN ERA, AND THE BTS ARMY, THAT INCLUDES TENS OF MILLIONS 7 00:00:20,787 --> 00:00:25,458 OF FANS WORLDWIDE, ARE DEVASTATED BY LAST NIGHT'S NEWS. 8 00:00:25,525 --> 00:00:29,062 >> WITH BTS ON HIATUS, WHO WILL FILL THE BOY BAND VOID? 9 00:00:29,129 --> 00:00:29,963 BACKSTREET'S BACK AGAIN. 10 00:00:48,448 --> 00:00:51,384 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 11 00:00:53,987 --> 00:01:00,226 TONIGHT: AND FATHER'S DAY FIRST DRAFTS 12 00:01:00,293 --> 00:01:05,899 WITH STEPHEN AND EVIE. PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: 13 00:01:05,965 --> 00:01:14,407 EMMA THOMPSON AND TOM SEGURA 14 00:01:14,474 --> 00:01:17,944 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 15 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:25,919 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 16 00:01:25,985 --> 00:01:26,753 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 17 00:01:31,891 --> 00:01:39,999 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 18 00:01:40,066 --> 00:01:42,769 >> Stephen: A LITTLE BIT LONGER THAN USUAL. 19 00:01:42,836 --> 00:01:45,004 GOOD TO SEE YOU. GOOD TO SEE YOU. 20 00:01:45,071 --> 00:01:48,508 GOOD TO SEE YOU. GOOD TO SEE YOU. 21 00:01:48,575 --> 00:01:50,076 PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY. HOW NICE. 22 00:01:50,143 --> 00:01:54,180 WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL THE SHIPS AT SEA. 23 00:01:54,247 --> 00:01:57,484 WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 24 00:01:57,550 --> 00:01:58,751 WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN-- ( APPLAUSE ) 25 00:01:58,818 --> 00:02:04,557 WE'RE STILL WAITING FOR THE NEXT JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE HEARING. 26 00:02:04,624 --> 00:02:06,426 THE NEXT ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TODAY, BUT NOW THE NEXT ONE IS 27 00:02:06,493 --> 00:02:11,064 TOMORROW. BUT YESTERDAY, THE COMMITTEE DID 28 00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:13,733 DROP A TEASER FOR THE NEXT HEARING. 29 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:17,670 OH, A TEASER! IT'S LIKE A MARVEL MOVIE. 30 00:02:17,737 --> 00:02:18,771 IS THERE A MULTIVERSE WHERE THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES FOR 31 00:02:18,838 --> 00:02:21,941 STAGING A COUP? ( LAUGHTER ) 32 00:02:22,008 --> 00:02:28,014 GIUILANI IS HIDING BOTTLES OF WINE IN EVERY DIMENSION! 33 00:02:28,081 --> 00:02:39,626 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 34 00:02:39,692 --> 00:02:46,232 THE TEASER HINTED AT NEW INFORMATION ABOUT THE FORMER 35 00:02:46,299 --> 00:02:47,967 PRESIDENT'S CAMPAIGN ATTORNEY JOHN EASTMAN, SEEN HERE AFTER 36 00:02:48,034 --> 00:02:55,608 WINNING THE "100 METER DINGUS." ( LAUGHTER ) 37 00:02:55,675 --> 00:03:02,248 THE DUMBASS MASTERMIND, OR DUMB-ASSTER-MIND, BEHIND THE 38 00:03:02,315 --> 00:03:03,616 RIDICULOUS LEGAL ARGUMENT THAT MIKE PENCE HAD THE POWER TO 39 00:03:03,683 --> 00:03:06,419 BLOCK CONGRESS FROM CERTIFYING BIDEN'S VICTORY. 40 00:03:06,486 --> 00:03:11,624 YOU KNOW WHO DISAGREED? MIKE PENCE. 41 00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:16,262 ( LAUGHTER ) TO WISH DEMOCRACY INTO THE 42 00:03:16,329 --> 00:03:23,269 CORNFIELD. BUT EASTMAN DID NOT GIVE UP WITH 43 00:03:23,336 --> 00:03:24,971 HIS PLAN. WE KNOW THAT, BECAUSE YESTERDAY, 44 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,673 THE COMMITTEE RELEASED A VIDEO OF FORMER WHITE HOUSE ATTORNEY 45 00:03:26,739 --> 00:03:31,611 ERIC HERSCHMANN DESCRIBING A PHONE CALL HE GOT ON JANUARY 46 00:03:31,678 --> 00:03:35,481 7th. >> IT WAS THE DAY AFTER. 47 00:03:35,548 --> 00:03:39,619 EASTMAN, I DON'T REMEMBER WHY HE CALLED ME. 48 00:03:39,686 --> 00:03:42,956 AND HE STARTED TO ASK ME ABOUT SOMETHING DEALING WITH GEORGIA 49 00:03:43,022 --> 00:03:51,631 AND PRESERVING SOMETHING POTENTIALLY FOR APPEAL. 50 00:03:51,698 --> 00:03:54,300 AND I SAID TO HIM, "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR EFFING MIND?" 51 00:03:54,367 --> 00:03:56,703 >> Stephen: I CAN ANSWER THAT ONE. 52 00:03:56,769 --> 00:04:01,040 ( LAUGHTER ) ABSO-EFFING-LUTELY. 53 00:04:01,107 --> 00:04:10,016 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( APPLAUSE ) 54 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:18,424 ON NATIONAL TV AND THOUGHT HE COULD JUST KEEP GOING. 55 00:04:18,491 --> 00:04:19,726 THAT'S LIKE BEING ON TRIAL FOR PUBLIC INDECENCY AND SWEARING IN 56 00:04:19,792 --> 00:04:23,630 BY RAISING MORE THAN YOUR RIGHT HAND. 57 00:04:23,696 --> 00:04:33,940 ( LAUGHTER ) WAS DONE HEARING ABOUT THE 58 00:04:34,007 --> 00:04:35,408 COCKAMAMIE PLAN TO OVERTHROW THE ELECTION RESULTS: 59 00:04:35,475 --> 00:04:36,609 >> I SAID, "I ONLY WANT TO HEAR TWO WORDS COMING OUT OF YOUR 60 00:04:36,676 --> 00:04:37,977 MOUTH FROM NOW ON." >> Stephen: FREE NACHOS? 61 00:04:38,044 --> 00:04:39,012 WANGO TANGO? CABO WABO? 62 00:04:39,078 --> 00:04:42,448 NO? I'M SORRY, GO ON. 63 00:04:42,515 --> 00:04:45,685 >> "'ORDERLY TRANSITION.'" >> Stephen: OKAY. 64 00:04:45,752 --> 00:04:52,191 ( LAUGHTER ) THEN HERSCHMANN EXPLAINED HOW 65 00:04:52,258 --> 00:04:54,494 THAT CALL WITH THE ARCHITECT OF THE COUP ENDED: 66 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:59,632 >> I SAID, "GOOD, JOHN. NOW I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE 67 00:04:59,699 --> 00:05:01,034 BEST FREE LEGAL ADVICE YOU'RE EVER GETTING IN YOUR LIFE: GET 68 00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:03,603 A GREAT EFFING CRIMINAL DEFENSE LAWYER. 69 00:05:03,670 --> 00:05:11,611 YOU'RE GOING TO NEED IT." >> Stephen: THAT IS GOOD ADVICE 70 00:05:11,678 --> 00:05:16,949 ( APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE THE LAWYER EASTMAN WAS 71 00:05:17,016 --> 00:05:19,619 PLOTTING THE COUP WITH STUDIED FOR THE BAR BY GOING TO ONE. 72 00:05:19,686 --> 00:05:30,797 ( LAUGHTER ) FEATURED IN THE VIDEOS IN THE 73 00:05:30,863 --> 00:05:32,398 HEARINGS ARE NOT HAPPY ABOUT THE PUBLICITY. 74 00:05:32,465 --> 00:05:34,634 TAKE PROUD BOY LEADER AND WORST-CASE SCENARIO DAVID CROSS, 75 00:05:34,701 --> 00:05:36,436 JOSEPH BIGGS. FOR HIS ROLE IN THE COUP, BIGGS 76 00:05:36,502 --> 00:05:38,705 HAS BEEN CHARGED WITH SEDITIOU CONSPIRACY. 77 00:05:38,771 --> 00:05:46,312 IT'S A SERIOUS CHARGE. IT CARRIES A MAXIMUM SENTENCE OF 78 00:05:46,379 --> 00:05:47,680 20 YEARS. BY THE TIME HE GETS OUT, THIS 79 00:05:47,747 --> 00:05:51,184 PROUD BOY'S GOING TO BE A PROUD MEMBER OF THE A.A.R.P. 80 00:05:51,250 --> 00:05:53,720 AND BIGGS WANTS TO MOVE HIS TRIAL, ARGUING TO THE COURT, "IN 81 00:05:53,786 --> 00:05:57,824 VIEW OF THE INCREASED AND UNQUESTIONABLY SPECTACULAR 24/7 82 00:05:57,890 --> 00:05:59,625 NEGATIVE PRESS AND MEDIA COVERAGE ABOUT THE FRATERNITY 83 00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:03,629 KNOWN AS THE PROUD BOYS." OH, THAT'S RIGHT. 84 00:06:03,696 --> 00:06:06,999 I FORGOT. THE PROUD BOYS ARE A FRATERNITY. 85 00:06:07,066 --> 00:06:09,068 JANUARY 6 WAS JUST HAZING! WE ALL HEARD THE CHANT! 86 00:06:09,135 --> 00:06:15,608 >> SPANK MIKE PENCE! SPANK MIKE PENCE! 87 00:06:15,675 --> 00:06:18,144 SPANK MIKE PENCE! ( APPLAUSE ). 88 00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:24,417 THANK YOU, SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER? 89 00:06:24,484 --> 00:06:34,994 BIGGS' ATTORNEY ARGUES THAT HIS CLIENT CAN'T GET A FAIR TRIAL, 90 00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:36,429 THANKS TO THIS WEEK'S TELEVISED HEARINGS OF THE HOUSE SELECT 91 00:06:36,496 --> 00:06:37,697 COMMITTEE ON JANUARY 6, AND ALL THE MEDIA COVERAGE FROM "MORNING 92 00:06:37,764 --> 00:06:39,799 JOE" TO STEPHEN COLBERT'S "LATE SHOW." 93 00:06:39,866 --> 00:06:53,746 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Audience: STEPHEN! 94 00:06:53,813 --> 00:06:54,881 STEPHEN! STEPHEN! 95 00:06:54,947 --> 00:06:56,415 >> Stephen: YOU KNOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I DO A LOT OF 96 00:06:56,482 --> 00:07:06,459 JOKES ABOUT THESE VIOLENT FASCISTS, BUT TO HEAR THAT EVEN 97 00:07:06,526 --> 00:07:13,266 ONE OF THEM NOTICED? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 98 00:07:13,332 --> 00:07:21,707 YOU HATE ME, YOU REALLY HATE ME. ( LAUGHTER ) 99 00:07:21,774 --> 00:07:27,613 NEED TO MOVE HIS TRIAL BECAUSE SHOWS LIKE MINE CONTINUE TO 100 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:30,449 SATURATE THE JURY POOL OF MEDIA- OBSESSIVE WASHINGTON D.C. 101 00:07:30,516 --> 00:07:33,953 THEY WANT TO MOVE THE TRIAL TO SOMEPLACE WHERE THE PROUD BOYS 102 00:07:34,020 --> 00:07:36,455 HAVE A BETTER REPUTATION, LIKE 1930'S BERLIN. 103 00:07:36,522 --> 00:07:43,596 ( LAUGHTER ) SHOUT-OUT, THE ARTICLE SAYS 104 00:07:43,663 --> 00:07:47,233 "NEWSWEEK" CONTACTED COLBERT'S REPRESENTATIVES FOR COMMENT. 105 00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:51,470 "WELL, MR. COLBERT, DO YOU HAVE A COMMENT?" 106 00:07:51,537 --> 00:07:55,441 "WHY, THANK YOU, STEVE, I DO." "WANT TO SHARE IT WITH THE 107 00:07:55,508 --> 00:07:59,612 PEOPLE?" "CERTAINLY. 108 00:07:59,679 --> 00:08:00,780 WHILE THIS IS A VERY HIGH-PROFILE CASE, IN OUR SYSTEM 109 00:08:00,847 --> 00:08:03,616 OF JUSTICE, THE ACCUSED IS INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY. 110 00:08:03,683 --> 00:08:06,986 SO I WANT EVERYONE IN THE POTENTIAL JURY POOL TO HEAR 111 00:08:07,053 --> 00:08:12,458 ME WHEN I SAY, 'YOU ARE GOING TO JAIL, YOU NEO-NUMBNUT! 112 00:08:12,525 --> 00:08:27,406 AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 113 00:08:27,473 --> 00:08:28,541 AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 114 00:08:28,608 --> 00:08:32,044 CAN COME AND GET ME. MY NAME IS JOE SCARBOROUGH, AND 115 00:08:32,111 --> 00:08:33,212 I LOVE COFFEE! WELCOME TO THE MONKEYHOUSE, 116 00:08:33,279 --> 00:08:37,216 BROTHER.'" ( LAUGHTER ) 117 00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:50,062 WELCOME TO THE MONKEYHOUSE, MEANWHILE, THE ECONOMY: BAD. 118 00:08:50,129 --> 00:08:53,199 THE FEELING: SAD. INFLATION'S UP, THE MARKET'S 119 00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:54,467 DOWN, AND CRYPTO IS TRAPPED ON MARS EATING MATT DAMON'S POOP 120 00:08:54,533 --> 00:08:59,071 POTATOES. ( LAUGHTER ) 121 00:08:59,138 --> 00:09:05,211 PRESIDENT BIDEN STAYED POSITIVE: >> THERE'S SO MUCH AT STAKE, BUT 122 00:09:05,278 --> 00:09:07,647 THE TRUTH IS I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE OPTIMISTIC ABOUT AMERICA 123 00:09:07,713 --> 00:09:12,251 THAN I AM TODAY. I REALLY MEAN IT. 124 00:09:12,318 --> 00:09:13,419 >> Stephen: "I REALLY MEAN IT. AMERICA'S NEVER BEEN BETTER! 125 00:09:13,486 --> 00:09:14,587 THEY'RE SELLIN' ICE ALL YEAR 'ROUND, NOW! 126 00:09:14,654 --> 00:09:18,224 YOU WANT TAFFY, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO PULL IT YOURSELF! 127 00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:20,159 AND THE BROOKLYN DODGERS FINALLY TOOK HOME THE PENNANT! 128 00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:27,300 THE YEAR IS WHAT NOW? WHOOO, BOY! 129 00:09:27,366 --> 00:09:28,467 THAT'S A LOTTA TWO'S! AH, THAT'S GOTTA BE A JOKE, 130 00:09:28,534 --> 00:09:29,735 YOU'RE JOSHIN' ME, GIVIN' ME THE BUSINESS. 131 00:09:29,802 --> 00:09:41,213 REMINDS ME, I GOTTA WATCH THAT TONIGHT'S 'LEAVE IT TO BEAVER.'" 132 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:43,049 ( APPLAUSE ) REALLY? 133 00:09:43,115 --> 00:09:49,221 Y'ALL ARE A CHEAP DATE. NOW, UNFORTUNATELY, MOST 134 00:09:49,288 --> 00:09:52,191 AMERICANS AREN'T FEELING SO SUNNY AS JOE. 135 00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:53,492 ONE REASON? THE NATIONAL GAS PRICE AVERAGE 136 00:09:53,559 --> 00:09:56,062 IS NOW OVER $5 A GALLON. BIDEN HAS HEARD AMERICA'S 137 00:09:56,128 --> 00:09:59,131 CONCERNS AND IS PUTTING MAJOR PRESSURE ON BIG OIL. 138 00:09:59,198 --> 00:10:06,772 THIS MORNING, HE SENT A LETTER TO THE COMPANIES. 139 00:10:06,839 --> 00:10:08,040 MR. PRESIDENT, I THINK WE'RE PAST THE PEN PAL PHASE. 140 00:10:08,107 --> 00:10:13,079 WHEN YOUR HOUSE IS BURNING, YOU DON'T SIT DOWN AND WRITE, 141 00:10:13,145 --> 00:10:16,148 "DEAR CANDLE I LEFT UNATTENDED, HOW DARE YOU. 142 00:10:16,215 --> 00:10:21,220 THIS BETRAYAL WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN. 143 00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:24,390 SINCERELY-- OH, GOD, SCREAM SCREAM! 144 00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:29,228 HELP, HELP! I AM ON FIRE!" 145 00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:34,867 ( LAUGHTER ) NOVEMBER, AND ONE SENATE 146 00:10:34,934 --> 00:10:38,004 CANDIDATE KEEPS GETTING IN TROUBLE: GEORGIA REPUBLICAN AND 147 00:10:38,070 --> 00:10:39,572 "AMERICA'S NECK" TOP MODEL, HERSCHEL WALKER. 148 00:10:39,638 --> 00:10:41,207 WALKER IS A FORMER HEISMAN TROPHY WINNER, BUT FOR SOME 149 00:10:41,273 --> 00:10:44,043 REASON, HE FEELS HE NEEDS TO KEEP MAKING STUFF UP ABOUT HIS 150 00:10:44,110 --> 00:10:49,181 ACCOMPLISHMENTS. THE NEWEST MAKE-'EM-UP: HERSCHEL 151 00:10:49,248 --> 00:10:53,219 WALKER USED TO BRAG HE WORKED IN LAW ENFORCEMENT BUT, ACCORDING 152 00:10:53,285 --> 00:10:55,888 TO A NEW REPORT, HE NEVER DID. IT WILL ALL BE DETAILED IN THE 153 00:10:55,955 --> 00:11:01,193 NEW SHOW: "WALKER: NOT A RANGER." 154 00:11:01,260 --> 00:11:02,361 ( LAUGHTER ) YOU TONIGHT. 155 00:11:02,428 --> 00:11:06,399 MY GUESTS ARE EMMA THOMPSON AND TOM SEGURA. 156 00:11:06,465 --> 00:11:10,736 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, ME AND MY WIFE EVIE HAVE FIRST DRAFTS OF 157 00:11:10,803 --> 00:11:13,005 FATHER'S DAY CARDS." STICK AROUND. 158 00:11:48,908 --> 00:11:52,545 WELCOME BACK EVERYBODY. PLEASE SAY HELLO TO LOUIS CATO, 159 00:11:52,611 --> 00:12:00,686 AND EVERYBODY IN STAY HUMAN, RIGHT OVER THERE. 160 00:12:00,753 --> 00:12:03,889 LOUIS, YOU KNOW, I LOVE ALL MY GUESTS EQUALLY. 161 00:12:03,956 --> 00:12:06,459 >> Louis: OF COURSE. >> Stephen: THEY'RE LIKE MY 162 00:12:06,525 --> 00:12:07,693 CHILDREN. >> Louis: NATURALLY. 163 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:11,931 >> Stephen: BUT TONIGHT, TWO VERY SPECIAL, TOM SEGURA, WHO IS 164 00:12:11,997 --> 00:12:14,700 A STAND-UP, WHO I THINK IS FANTASTIC. 165 00:12:14,767 --> 00:12:17,169 ( APPLAUSE ) GOT A NEW BOOK. 166 00:12:17,236 --> 00:12:22,174 AND ONE OF THE TRUE GREATS WHO I ALWAYS ENJOY TALKING TO, EMMA 167 00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:26,545 THOMPSON IS HERE TONIGHT. TWO-TIME OSCAR WINNER. 168 00:12:26,612 --> 00:12:28,614 >> Louis: COME ON! >> Stephen: TWO-TIME OSCAR 169 00:12:28,681 --> 00:12:31,750 WINNER RIGHT THERE. SO, LET'S-- LET'S GET TO THAT AS 170 00:12:31,817 --> 00:12:37,356 QUICKLY AS WE CAN. FOLKS, IT'S ALMOST 171 00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:39,892 FATHER'S DAY, SO MAKE SURE TO CALL YOUR DAD ON SUNDAY AND SAY 172 00:12:39,959 --> 00:12:41,827 "WOW, THAT SOUNDS INCREDIBLE" AT THE APPROPRIATE MOMENTS DURING 173 00:12:41,894 --> 00:12:45,297 HIS DESCRIPTION OF A PODCAST ABOUT WORLD WAR I. 174 00:12:45,364 --> 00:12:51,971 ( LAUGHTER ) FATHER'S DAY CARDS OUT THERE TO 175 00:12:52,037 --> 00:12:55,941 CHOOSE FROM BUT THEY DON'T ALWAYS GET IT RIGHT ON THE FIRST 176 00:12:56,008 --> 00:12:57,309 TRY. SO TONIGHT, WE'LL TAKE A LOOK AT 177 00:12:57,376 --> 00:13:00,646 SOME OF THE EARLY ATTEMPTS IN OUR SEGMENT: "FIRST DRAFTS." 178 00:13:00,713 --> 00:13:07,419 >> NO, STUPID! >> Stephen: AS ALWAYS, I'LL NEED 179 00:13:07,486 --> 00:13:16,829 SOME HELP FROM AMERICA'S SWEETHEART AND MINE, EVIE 180 00:13:16,896 --> 00:13:18,130 COLBERT, EVERYBODY. COME ON OUT. 181 00:13:18,197 --> 00:13:20,799 YOU LOOK FANTASTIC! >> HI. 182 00:13:20,866 --> 00:13:26,605 >> Audience: EVIE! EVIE! 183 00:13:26,672 --> 00:13:27,506 EVIE! >> OH, FRENCH. 184 00:13:27,573 --> 00:13:29,108 >> Stephen: EUROPEAN. >> Stephen: YOU LOOK 185 00:13:29,175 --> 00:13:30,142 ABSOLUTELY LOVELY. >> THANK YOU. 186 00:13:30,209 --> 00:13:31,844 WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE EMMA THOMPSON. 187 00:13:31,911 --> 00:13:33,179 >> Stephen: I HAVE SEEN EMMA THOMPSON. 188 00:13:33,245 --> 00:13:37,416 >> SHE LOOKS INCREDIBLE. >> Stephen: THE MOST BEAUTIFUL 189 00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:39,285 LEMON MERINGUE PIE I HAVE EVER SEEN. 190 00:13:39,351 --> 00:13:42,087 >> UNBELIEVABLE. >> Stephen: DARLING, THANK YOU 191 00:13:42,154 --> 00:13:44,256 FOR DOING FIRST DRAFTS. >> I LOVE IT. 192 00:13:44,323 --> 00:13:47,426 WE NEED MORE HOLIDAYS. >> Stephen: WE DO, WE DO. 193 00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:49,962 WE'LL DO ARBOR DAY CARDS, SOMETIME. 194 00:13:50,029 --> 00:13:53,232 >> YES, I GOT IT. >> Stephen: HERE ARE THE 195 00:13:53,299 --> 00:13:54,433 CARDS. FOR THE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT 196 00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:56,735 DON'T KNOW-- >> I WILL GIVE YOU THE ONE THAT 197 00:13:56,802 --> 00:13:59,338 YOU LIKE. AND THEN AFTER THAT, YOU OF I 198 00:13:59,405 --> 00:14:01,840 GIVE YOU THE FIRST DRAFT, WHICH WAS REALLY BAD. 199 00:14:01,907 --> 00:14:05,878 >> Stephen: THAT WAS A REALLY-- I WASN'T SAY "REALLY 200 00:14:05,945 --> 00:14:08,147 BAD." THEY'RE GOING TO TURN OFF THE 201 00:14:08,214 --> 00:14:09,148 TV. INAPPROPRIATE. 202 00:14:09,215 --> 00:14:13,018 >> INAPPROPRIATE. WELL, I MEAN-- OH, WHATEVER. 203 00:14:13,085 --> 00:14:16,855 >> Stephen: WE HAVE A SERIES OF CARDS, THE FIRST ONE OF WHICH 204 00:14:16,922 --> 00:14:20,926 I WILL SHOW YOU YOU THAT WAS FOR SALE AND THE NEXT ONE DEEMED NOT 205 00:14:20,993 --> 00:14:23,729 GOOD ENOUGH TO SELL. >> THAT'S INAPPROPRIATE, IS IT 206 00:14:23,796 --> 00:14:25,197 NOT. >> Stephen: SOME ARE 207 00:14:25,264 --> 00:14:26,899 INAPPROPRIATE. SOME JUST ARE TERRIBLE. 208 00:14:26,966 --> 00:14:30,135 THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. >> I'M THRILLED! 209 00:14:30,202 --> 00:14:33,305 HOW'SIT GOING SO FAR? >> Stephen: IT'S GOING GREAT. 210 00:14:33,372 --> 00:14:41,080 I'VE NEVER HAD A BETTER FATHERRER'S DAY. 211 00:14:41,146 --> 00:14:41,981 THIS ONE SAYS, "HAPPY FATHER'S DAY... 212 00:14:42,047 --> 00:14:43,849 I JUST WANTED TO SAY I LOVE YOU." 213 00:14:43,916 --> 00:14:46,685 THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL TO GET. BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "HAPPY 214 00:14:46,752 --> 00:14:49,321 FATHER'S DAY... I JUST WANTED TO SAY I LOVE YOU, 215 00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:50,489 BUT WE DON'T REALLY DO THAT, SO I CHANGED THE TANK ON YOUR 216 00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:53,325 GRILL." ( LAUGHTER ) 217 00:14:53,392 --> 00:14:58,330 SOME PEOPLE DON'T-- SOME PEOPLE DON'T SHARE-- 218 00:14:58,397 --> 00:15:01,500 >> I SAY "I LOVE YOU," ALL THE TIME. 219 00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:04,403 >> Stephen: YOU DO SAY THAT. >> AND SO DO OUR KIDS. 220 00:15:04,470 --> 00:15:06,605 >> Stephen: THEY DO. I TELL THE CHILDREN I LOVE THEM 221 00:15:06,672 --> 00:15:08,240 AS WELL. >> YEAH. 222 00:15:08,307 --> 00:15:11,277 >> Stephen: "YOUR FATHER LOVES YOU," IS WHAT I SAY. 223 00:15:11,343 --> 00:15:16,115 THAT'S HOW WARM I AM. "YOUR FATHER LOVES YOU. 224 00:15:16,181 --> 00:15:18,717 NEVER FORGET THAT." WHAT ARE WE DOING FOR FATHER'S 225 00:15:18,784 --> 00:15:19,918 DAY. >> Stephen: WHAT WOULD YOU 226 00:15:19,985 --> 00:15:22,021 LIKE TO DO FOR FATHER'S DAY? >> Stephen: I WANT TO GO SEE A 227 00:15:22,087 --> 00:15:26,025 DAD MOVIE. I WANT TO SEE THAT "TOP GUN 228 00:15:26,091 --> 00:15:27,192 MAVERICK." >> LET'S DO THAT. 229 00:15:27,259 --> 00:15:30,462 THEY SAY IT'S REALLY GOOD. >> Stephen: AND MAYBE A DOUBLE 230 00:15:30,529 --> 00:15:33,299 FEATURE. THAT AND "MULTIVERSE OF 231 00:15:33,365 --> 00:15:34,233 MADNESS." WHAT? 232 00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:37,069 WHY THAT LOOK? >> THAT'S A THROT ASK OF ME? 233 00:15:37,136 --> 00:15:38,871 BOTH OF THEM? >> Stephen: WELL, IT'S 234 00:15:38,937 --> 00:15:39,905 FATHER'S DAY. WE HAVE THREE CHILDREN. 235 00:15:39,972 --> 00:15:41,674 I WANT ONE MOVIE FOR EVERY CHILD. 236 00:15:41,740 --> 00:15:44,310 >> OH, GOD. ( LAUGHTER ) 237 00:15:44,376 --> 00:15:47,846 ALREADY SEEN EMMA'S MOVIE. >> FANTASTIC. 238 00:15:47,913 --> 00:15:50,649 >> Stephen: WHAT A PERFORMANCE. 239 00:15:50,716 --> 00:15:56,689 >> FANTASTIC. >> Stephen: THIS ONE'S FOR THE 240 00:15:56,755 --> 00:15:57,756 STEP-DADS IN THE HOUSE. IT SAYS, "YOU'RE MY FAVORITE 241 00:15:57,823 --> 00:16:00,159 STEP-POP! I LOVE YOU STRAWBERRY MUCH." 242 00:16:00,225 --> 00:16:03,696 BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID: "YOU'RE MY FAVORITE STEP-POP!... 243 00:16:03,762 --> 00:16:06,165 CUZ OUR REAL DAD BANANA SPLIT AND DESSERT-ED US." 244 00:16:06,231 --> 00:16:10,402 ( LAUGHTER ) SAD. 245 00:16:10,469 --> 00:16:15,774 THAT'S JUST SAD. THE SADNESS YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW 246 00:16:15,841 --> 00:16:18,110 IS WHY THEY DIDN'T SELL THIS ONE. 247 00:16:18,177 --> 00:16:19,912 >> SLIGHTLY INAPPROPRIATE, NO? A LITTLE BIT. 248 00:16:19,978 --> 00:16:24,483 >> Stephen: OKAY, SURE. >> I GUESS YOU JUST SAY DARK. 249 00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:26,251 >> Stephen: HAVE YOU GOTTEN ANYTHING FOR YOUR FATHER? 250 00:16:26,318 --> 00:16:29,355 >> YES, YES. I SHOWED YOU, REMEMBER. 251 00:16:29,421 --> 00:16:32,725 I CAN'T, HE MIGHT WATCH. >> Stephen: HE'LL LOVE THAT. 252 00:16:32,791 --> 00:16:35,494 HE'LL LOVE THAT, YEAH. >> I WRAPPED IT AND LEFT HIM FOR 253 00:16:35,561 --> 00:16:36,595 IT. >> Stephen: IS IT FULL OF GAS? 254 00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:40,032 DID YOU ALREADY GAS IT UP? >> HE'S 93. 255 00:16:40,099 --> 00:16:42,301 HE CAN'T DO-- HE CAN'T DRIVE THAT ANYMORE. 256 00:16:42,368 --> 00:16:45,304 >> Stephen: NO MORE SNOWMOBILING? 257 00:16:45,371 --> 00:16:49,308 >> NO MORE SNOWMOBILING, SPEAKING OF YOUR FATHER... 258 00:16:49,375 --> 00:16:50,809 THIS ONE'S FOR A GRANDPARENT. IT SAYS, "GRANDPA, GUESS WHAT I 259 00:16:50,876 --> 00:16:52,945 GOT YOU FOR FATHER'S DAY? HUGS, HUGS, AND MORE HUGS!" 260 00:16:53,011 --> 00:16:56,048 >> OH, I LOVE THAT. >> Stephen: INCREDIBLE. 261 00:16:56,115 --> 00:16:57,316 BUT THE FIRST DRAFT READ: "GRANDPA, GUESS WHAT I GOT YOU 262 00:16:57,383 --> 00:17:00,252 FOR FATHER'S DAY? A BOOK ON MICRO-AGGRESSIONS. 263 00:17:00,319 --> 00:17:01,453 YOU HAVE GOT TO STOP ASKING WAITRESSES WHERE THEIR ACCENT IS 264 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:04,056 FROM." ( LAUGHTER ) 265 00:17:04,123 --> 00:17:09,294 DIFFERENT GENERATION. >> I THINK HE COULD USE BOTH OF 266 00:17:09,361 --> 00:17:12,898 THOSE. THAT CHECKS OUT FOR SURE. 267 00:17:12,965 --> 00:17:14,933 >> Stephen: FANTASTIC. FANTASTIC. 268 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:16,402 DO YOU WANT TO GO TO DINNER OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT? 269 00:17:16,468 --> 00:17:19,338 >> YES, YES. >> Stephen: WHAT IF WE WENT 270 00:17:19,405 --> 00:17:21,306 EARLY ON NOT FATHER'S DAY, FRIDAY OR SATURDAY. 271 00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:25,611 >> SATURDAY, I THINK WEACTD GET TWO OUT OF THREE. 272 00:17:25,677 --> 00:17:28,347 >> WE'LL DO THAT. >> Stephen: AND FACETIME THE 273 00:17:28,414 --> 00:17:34,787 THIRD ONE, MAKE HER FEEL GUILTY. THIS ONE SAYS "DAD, TEACHER, 274 00:17:34,853 --> 00:17:38,290 DRIVER, CHEF, COACH, E.M.T. TO US, YOU'RE EVERYTHING." 275 00:17:38,357 --> 00:17:47,366 >> THAT'S A GOOD DAD-- TEACHER, DRIVER, COACH, E.M.T 276 00:17:47,433 --> 00:17:50,636 >> Stephen: BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID "DAD: TEACHER, DRIVER, 277 00:17:50,702 --> 00:17:52,037 CHEF, COACH, E.M.T. YOU'VE BEEN FIRED FROM SO MANY 278 00:17:52,104 --> 00:17:55,707 JOBS THIS YEAR. GET IT TOGETHER." 279 00:17:55,774 --> 00:17:58,977 ( APPLAUSE ) WAIT, DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE 280 00:17:59,044 --> 00:18:01,313 FATHER'S DAY SO FAR, SOMETHING WE'VE DONE ON FATHER'S DAY. 281 00:18:01,380 --> 00:18:05,317 >> Stephen: ANY TIME THE KIDS-- THE HANDWRITTEN CARDS. 282 00:18:05,384 --> 00:18:08,287 THAT'S AMAZING. THEY'RE ON MY BEDSIDE TABLE. 283 00:18:08,353 --> 00:18:11,223 >> THEY WOULD HOP ON THE BED. >> Stephen: HOP ON AND EAT THE 284 00:18:11,290 --> 00:18:14,159 BREAKFAST. AND THEY WOULD-- EAT THE 285 00:18:14,226 --> 00:18:17,095 BREAKFAST BEFORE I COULD GET TO IT. 286 00:18:17,162 --> 00:18:18,163 FANTASTIC. THEY'RE VERY LARGE NOW. 287 00:18:18,230 --> 00:18:20,866 THEY'RE, LIKE, 6'2". WE NEED A BIGGER BED. 288 00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:22,768 >> YOU'RE A LOVELY FATHER. >> Stephen: AM I? 289 00:18:22,835 --> 00:18:25,137 >> YOU'RE A WONDERFUL FATHER. >> Stephen: THAT TOOK YOU 290 00:18:25,204 --> 00:18:31,243 EIGHT MINUTES TO GET TO. ( APPLAUSE ) 291 00:18:31,310 --> 00:18:35,080 EVERYTHING. >> IT'S NOT! 292 00:18:35,147 --> 00:18:38,217 >> Stephen: THANK YOU. HERE'S A GOLF-THEMED ONE. 293 00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:48,494 IT SAYS... BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, 294 00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:49,728 "YOU'RE THE MOST TEE-RIFIC DAD... 295 00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:51,296 BUT I'LL NEVER FORE-GET WALKING IN ON YOU AND MOM 'PLAYING THE 296 00:18:51,363 --> 00:18:55,501 BACK 9.'" WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH EMMA 297 00:18:55,567 --> 00:18:57,936 THOMPSON. EVIE COLBERT, EVERYBODY! 298 00:19:16,388 --> 00:19:17,456 ( APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK EVERYBODY. 299 00:19:17,523 --> 00:19:21,493 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE. 300 00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:26,164 FOLKS, MY FIRST GUEST IS A TWO-TIME ACADEMY AWARD-WINNING 301 00:19:26,231 --> 00:19:28,367 ACTRESS YOU KNOW FROM "LOVE ACTUALLY," "HOWARDS END," AND 302 00:19:28,433 --> 00:19:32,371 "SENSE AND SENSIBILITY." SHE NOW STARS IN "GOOD LUCK TO 303 00:19:32,437 --> 00:19:36,375 YOU, LEO GRANDE." >> CHEERS. 304 00:19:36,441 --> 00:19:39,211 ♪ ♪ ♪ SO I HAVE MADE A LIST OF THINGS 305 00:19:39,278 --> 00:19:42,748 THAT I'D LIKE TO GET THROUGH. >> OH, THAT SOUNDS SEXY. 306 00:19:42,814 --> 00:19:45,784 >> DON'T MOCK ME. I'M A TEACHER. 307 00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:53,492 OLD HABITS DIE HARD. >> WHAT'S FIRST ON THE LIST? 308 00:19:53,559 --> 00:19:57,062 ( CLEARS THROAT ) NUMBER ONE, I PERFORM ORAL SEX 309 00:19:57,129 --> 00:19:59,464 ON YOU. NUMBER TWO, YOU PERFORM ORAL SEX 310 00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:03,201 ON ME. NUMBER THREE, WE DO A 69, IF 311 00:20:03,268 --> 00:20:05,938 THAT'S WHAT IT'S STILL CALLED. I DON'T BE. 312 00:20:06,004 --> 00:20:09,875 FOUR, ME ON TOP. FIVE, DOGGY STYLE. 313 00:20:09,942 --> 00:20:12,611 >> THAT ALL SOUND VERY ACHIEVABLE. 314 00:20:12,678 --> 00:20:15,814 >> OH, DOES IT? OH, GOOD, GOOD. 315 00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:18,850 BECAUSE I HAVE NO FRAME OF REFERENCE. 316 00:20:18,917 --> 00:20:23,755 I'VE TRIED LOOKING ON THE INTERNET, BUT IT'S ALARMING, 317 00:20:23,822 --> 00:20:27,192 FRANKLY. IF YOU TYPE CLASSY PORN IN 318 00:20:27,259 --> 00:20:30,996 GOOGLE, THERE ARE 12 WINDOWS. HAVE I BOOKED ENOUGH TIME? 319 00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:32,364 >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," EMMA 320 00:20:32,431 --> 00:20:44,576 THOMPSON! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 321 00:20:44,643 --> 00:20:59,524 ♪ ♪ ♪ 322 00:20:59,591 --> 00:21:01,526 ♪ ♪ ♪ 323 00:21:02,260 --> 00:21:14,172 >> Stephen: GOOD! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 324 00:21:14,239 --> 00:21:20,178 >> Stephen: YOU STILL GOT IT, KID. 325 00:21:20,245 --> 00:21:23,281 >> IT'S SO NICE TO BE BACK! >> Stephen: LOVELY TO HAVE YOU 326 00:21:23,348 --> 00:21:24,816 BACK. >> OH, MY GOODNESS! 327 00:21:24,883 --> 00:21:26,852 ALL THESE YEARS WE'VE BEEN SEPARATED! 328 00:21:26,918 --> 00:21:29,488 >> Stephen: YOU ARE A RAY OF SUNSHINE-- QUITE LITERALLY. 329 00:21:29,554 --> 00:21:33,191 I LOVE YOUR OUTFIT. >> OR A LONG STREAK OF PISS. 330 00:21:33,258 --> 00:21:35,861 THAT'S THE OTHER THING YOU COULD, UNFORTUNATELY. 331 00:21:35,927 --> 00:21:37,796 >> Stephen: SURE. >> BUT IT WOULD BE GOOD QUALITY, 332 00:21:37,863 --> 00:21:40,298 WOULDN'T IT? >> Stephen: YES. 333 00:21:40,365 --> 00:21:43,769 >> I WANT TO BE IN VERY GOOD HEALTH. 334 00:21:43,835 --> 00:21:46,805 I'M EXHAUSTED. >> Stephen: I WANT-- I WANT TO 335 00:21:46,872 --> 00:21:48,740 GET STRAIGHT INTO TALKING ABOUT THIS MOVIE, "GOOD LUCK TO YOU, 336 00:21:48,807 --> 00:21:52,377 LEO GRANDE," BECAUSE IT'S A BEAUTIFUL MOVIE AND SO UNIQUE. 337 00:21:52,444 --> 00:21:56,381 IT'S REALLY FUNNY. IT'S INCREDIBLY-- IT'S 338 00:21:56,448 --> 00:21:59,317 HEARTBREAKING AT TIMES. IT'S HOPEFUL IN MANY WAYS. 339 00:21:59,384 --> 00:22:01,386 AND I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT. 340 00:22:01,453 --> 00:22:03,855 I DON'T THINK ANYBODY ELSE HAS, EITHER. 341 00:22:03,922 --> 00:22:06,024 FOR THE PEOPLE OUT THERE-- OBVIOUSLY, I SAW IT LAST NIGHT. 342 00:22:06,091 --> 00:22:09,194 TELL THE FOLKS WHAT IT'S ABOUT IN WHERE YOU ARE OWN WORDS, 343 00:22:09,261 --> 00:22:11,797 MADAM. >> IT'S ABOUT A RETIRED 344 00:22:11,863 --> 00:22:15,133 RELIGIOUS EDUCATION TEACHER CALLED NANCY STOKES, WHO IS MY 345 00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:17,202 AGE, EARLY 60s. ( LAUGHTER ) 346 00:22:17,269 --> 00:22:21,206 I AM. THAT'S MY AGE. 347 00:22:21,273 --> 00:22:28,113 ANYWAY, AND IT'S HER'S, AND SHE HAS HAD A RUDIMENTARY SEX LIFE 348 00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:30,082 UP UNTIL -- >> Stephen: SHE'S A WIDOW AT 349 00:22:30,148 --> 00:22:32,384 THIS POINT. >> SHE'S A WIDOW, HAS BEEN 350 00:22:32,451 --> 00:22:36,822 WIDOWED FOR TWO YEARS. AND SHE HAS TAKEN HER LIFE INTO 351 00:22:36,888 --> 00:22:43,261 HER HANDS AND HIRED A VERY MUCH YOUNGER SEX WORKER, MALE SEX 352 00:22:43,328 --> 00:22:49,167 WORKER, TO HELP HER SORT OF GO-- REDISCOVER SOMETHING THAT SHE'S 353 00:22:49,234 --> 00:22:52,003 NEVER REALLY HAD. >> Stephen: YOU SEE SORT OF 354 00:22:52,070 --> 00:22:55,107 THIS RELATIONSHIP, SUCH AS IT IS, DEVELOPING BETWEEN YOUR 355 00:22:55,173 --> 00:22:59,511 CHARACTER AND THIS SEX WORKER, WHO IS PLAYED BY A WONDERFUL 356 00:22:59,578 --> 00:23:01,680 YOUNG ACTOR. TELL ME HIS NAME AGAIN? 357 00:23:01,747 --> 00:23:04,382 >> DARYL McCORMACK. HE WAS DISCOVERED REALLY, FOR 358 00:23:04,449 --> 00:23:06,351 THIS. HE HADN'T DONE MUCH BEFORE. 359 00:23:06,418 --> 00:23:09,721 BUT HE WAS JUST ABSOLUTELY PERFECT BECAUSE HE'S SO 360 00:23:09,788 --> 00:23:13,925 THOUGHTFUL. AND THIS YOUNG MAN, LEO, IS A 361 00:23:13,992 --> 00:23:16,862 FORM OF OF MAN THAT I HAVE NEVER SEEN ON SCREEN. 362 00:23:16,928 --> 00:23:22,000 HE'S-- HE IS A-- WHAT HE DOES IS SEX WORK, BUT IT'S SORT OF LIKE 363 00:23:22,067 --> 00:23:25,437 CARE WORK IN A WAY. HE UNDERSTANDS. 364 00:23:25,504 --> 00:23:29,441 HE SAYS, "EVERYONE NEEDS SOMETHING DIFFERENT, AND IF WE 365 00:23:29,508 --> 00:23:33,445 CAN DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT SOME PEOPLE CAN'T ACCESS SEXUAL 366 00:23:33,512 --> 00:23:35,714 PLEASURE CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW MUCH LESS ( BLEEP ) THERE WILL 367 00:23:35,781 --> 00:23:38,550 BE IN THE WORLD." HE TELLS HER A LOT, HE TEACHERS 368 00:23:38,617 --> 00:23:41,620 A LOT-- BECAUSE SHE'S GOT A LOT OF ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT HIM AND 369 00:23:41,686 --> 00:23:46,792 ABOUT IT ALL. AND SO SLOWLY, THEY PEEL AWAY 370 00:23:46,858 --> 00:23:54,232 EACH OTHER'S... DEFENSES, ACTUALLY, AND THEN IN THE END, 371 00:23:54,299 --> 00:23:57,235 THEY'RE EACH OTHER'S CLONES. BUT IT'S NOT ROMANTIC. 372 00:23:57,302 --> 00:24:00,105 IT'S NOT A ROMANTIC STORY, AND THAT'S WHAT I THINK IS RADICAL 373 00:24:00,172 --> 00:24:03,208 ABOUT IT. BECAUSE IT'S A REAL-- IT'S A 374 00:24:03,275 --> 00:24:06,077 REALLY INTIMATE FILM, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THEY GET REALLY DEEP 375 00:24:06,144 --> 00:24:09,080 INTO ONE ANOTHER THROUGH THE TALKING. 376 00:24:09,147 --> 00:24:11,316 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT WHEN WE COME 377 00:24:11,383 --> 00:24:14,553 BACK, I WILL ASK EMMA WHERE SHE KEEPS HER OSCARS. 378 00:24:14,619 --> 00:24:16,988 IT'S NOT WHERE YOU THINK. STICK AROUND. 379 00:24:24,863 --> 00:24:27,933 ( APPLAUSE ). WE'RE HERE WITH EMMA THOMPSON. 380 00:24:27,999 --> 00:24:30,335 YOU'RE STILL HERE. >> I'M STILL HERE. 381 00:24:30,402 --> 00:24:31,203 OKAY. >> Stephen: WE'RE HERE WITH 382 00:24:31,269 --> 00:24:33,839 EMMA THOMPSON. WE WON'T LET HER LEAVE. 383 00:24:33,905 --> 00:24:37,509 NO MATTER HOW MUCH SHE DASHES THROUGH THE DOOR 384 00:24:37,576 --> 00:24:39,811 >> I'M COP FUSED. >> Stephen: EMMA, MOST OF THIS 385 00:24:39,878 --> 00:24:43,715 TAKES PLACE IN ONE HOTEL ROOM OVER THE COURSE OF MANY NIGHTS 386 00:24:43,782 --> 00:24:47,586 OR DAYS. AND YOU BECOME VERY VULNERABLE, 387 00:24:47,652 --> 00:24:49,788 NOT ONLY WITH HIM, OBVIOUSLY, BUT WITH THE AUDIENCE. 388 00:24:49,855 --> 00:24:53,959 YOU ARE FULLY NUDE IN THIS FILM, ESPECIALLY ONE MOMENT WHEN 389 00:24:54,025 --> 00:24:56,494 YOU'RE IN FRONT OF A FULL-LENGTH MIRROR, FULLY NUDE. 390 00:24:56,561 --> 00:24:59,898 AND I WANT TO KNOW, AS A PERFORMER, "A," HAD YOU DONE 391 00:24:59,965 --> 00:25:04,369 THAT BEFORE ON CAMERA? AND WHAT WAS THAT LIKE FOR YOU? 392 00:25:04,436 --> 00:25:06,771 WHAT WAS THAT CHOICE LIKE FOR YOU? 393 00:25:06,838 --> 00:25:08,240 >> IT WAS REALLY, REALLY INTERESTING. 394 00:25:08,306 --> 00:25:12,377 IT WAS UNEXPECTED BECAUSE I'M QUITE-- WE DON'T NEED-- I DON'T 395 00:25:12,444 --> 00:25:14,846 REALLY THINK IT'S TERRIBLY IMPORTANT ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. 396 00:25:14,913 --> 00:25:18,583 I MEAN, LOOK AT GERMANY. EVERYONE IS NUDE ALL THE TIME. 397 00:25:18,650 --> 00:25:20,952 BUT THEY ARE. IT DOESN'T BOTHER THEM THERE. 398 00:25:21,019 --> 00:25:24,389 THEY DO SORT OF MIXED SAUNAS AND ALL OF THAT. 399 00:25:24,456 --> 00:25:27,359 I THINK WE'RE QUITE ODD ABOUT IT IN OUR COUNTRY. 400 00:25:27,425 --> 00:25:33,331 MAYBE BECAUSE IT'S SO COLD AND WE SEW OURSELVES INTO PELTS FOR 401 00:25:33,398 --> 00:25:36,034 MONTHS ON END SO NUDITY ISN'T A THING. 402 00:25:36,101 --> 00:25:38,803 BUT SHE-- I WAS THINKING, HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS? 403 00:25:38,870 --> 00:25:42,841 BECAUSE I CAN'T-- I DON'T KNOW WHETHER ANYONE IN THE AUDIENCE 404 00:25:42,908 --> 00:25:46,278 CAN, BUT I CERTAINLY CAN'T STAND IN FRONT OF A MIRROR WITHOUT 405 00:25:46,344 --> 00:25:49,247 TRYING TO IMPROVE THE WAY I LOOK, YOU KNOW, BY TUCKING 406 00:25:49,314 --> 00:25:51,883 SOMETHING IN OR TURNING TO THE SIDE -- 407 00:25:51,950 --> 00:25:53,485 >> Stephen: I'LL ADJUST THE LIGHTING. 408 00:25:53,551 --> 00:25:56,288 >> OR TURN THE LIGHTS OFF. THAT'S WHAT I GENERALLY DO-- 409 00:25:56,354 --> 00:25:58,356 JUST SWITCH THEM OFF. AND THEN YOU'RE SAFE. 410 00:25:58,423 --> 00:26:02,360 YOU DON'T SUDDENLY CATCH SIGHT OF YOURSELF AND SAY, "WHAT WAS 411 00:26:02,427 --> 00:26:04,062 THAT? OH, MY GOD! 412 00:26:04,129 --> 00:26:07,799 THAT WAS--" ANYWAY, WE'RE NOT GOOD AT ACCEPTING OUR BODIES, 413 00:26:07,866 --> 00:26:12,570 AND PARTICULARLY WOMEN WHOSE STATUS IS RELATED TO ICONOGRAPHY 414 00:26:12,637 --> 00:26:16,675 AND IT'S ALL VERY BORING AND A WASTE OF OUR TIME AND LIFE'S 415 00:26:16,741 --> 00:26:20,679 PURPOSE. SO NANCY HAS ADMITTEDLY-- SHE 416 00:26:20,745 --> 00:26:23,281 HAS ALWAYS BEEN ASHAMED OF HER BODY SOMEHOW. 417 00:26:23,348 --> 00:26:25,884 AND HE SAYS NO, IT'S FINE, IT'S BEAUTIFUL. 418 00:26:25,951 --> 00:26:30,522 BUT SLOWLY THROUGH THIS STRANGE INTIMACY, HE LEADS HER TOWARDS 419 00:26:30,588 --> 00:26:33,925 THE KIND OF PLEASURE THAT SHE'S NEVER HAD BEFORE. 420 00:26:33,992 --> 00:26:36,294 AND UNLOCKS HER RELATIONSHIP WITH HER BODY. 421 00:26:36,361 --> 00:26:42,934 SO WHEN I STOOD THERE NAKED-- AND IT'S NOT LIKE, MADE 422 00:26:43,001 --> 00:26:47,806 BEAUTIFUL BY LIGHTING OR-- IT'S NOT SORT OF-- IT'S LITERALLY 423 00:26:47,872 --> 00:26:50,008 JUST PLAIN, A BODY STANDING THERE. 424 00:26:50,075 --> 00:26:52,177 >> Stephen: BUT BEAUTIFUL IN THE WAY OF PERSON, BEAUTIFUL. 425 00:26:52,243 --> 00:26:55,213 >> BEAUTIFUL IN THE WAY ANY HUMAN IS BEAUTIFUL AND 426 00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:58,850 ACCEPTABLE. AND I THOUGHT, HOW DOES SHE LOOK 427 00:26:58,917 --> 00:27:00,552 AT HERSELF? BECAUSE I DON'T-- I DON'T WANT 428 00:27:00,618 --> 00:27:03,421 HER TO LOOK AT HERSELF AS THOUGH SHE'S SUDDENLY GOING, "MY GOD, 429 00:27:03,488 --> 00:27:05,390 I'M GORGEOUS." THAT'S NOT THE POINT. 430 00:27:05,457 --> 00:27:10,462 BUT SHE LOOKS AT HERSELF WITH A NEUTRAL GAZE-- THAT IS TO SAY, A 431 00:27:10,528 --> 00:27:13,598 GAZE THAT IS ACCEPTING OF HER BODY BECAUSE SHE'S SEEING IT AS 432 00:27:13,665 --> 00:27:17,202 IT WERE FOR OTHER FIRST TIME. IT'S KIND OF A REBIRTH. 433 00:27:17,268 --> 00:27:22,574 AND I WENT TO LOOK AT ALL THE PICTURES OF EVE IN THE MEDIEVAL 434 00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:27,278 PAINTINGS, AND THOSE PAINTINGS, BEFORE THE FALL, BEFORE THE 435 00:27:27,345 --> 00:27:30,982 APPLE, WHEN THEY WENT, "OH, MY GOD, I'M NUDE!" 436 00:27:31,049 --> 00:27:35,420 IF ONLY FRUIT COULD WIELD THAT KIND OF POWER POW. 437 00:27:35,487 --> 00:27:41,192 ( LAUGHTER ) ALWAYS STANDING VERY RELAXED 438 00:27:41,259 --> 00:27:45,363 WITH ONE KNEE SLIGHTLY BENT. AND SO I THOUGHT I'M GOING TO 439 00:27:45,430 --> 00:27:48,266 STAND LIKE THAT. I'M GOING TO TRY IT. 440 00:27:48,333 --> 00:27:52,570 AND BECAUSE I WAS PLAYING SOMEONE, I WASN'T BEING ME, I 441 00:27:52,637 --> 00:27:53,705 COULD DO IT. >> Stephen: YEAH. 442 00:27:53,772 --> 00:27:57,842 >> BUT IT-- IT DID MAKE ME AFTERWARDS, WHEN WE FINISHED 443 00:27:57,909 --> 00:28:01,780 MAKING THE MOVIE, I THOUGHT, "GOD THAT WAS AN AMAZING 444 00:28:01,846 --> 00:28:03,848 EXPERIENCE." AND THEN I THOUGHT, "HANG ON A 445 00:28:03,915 --> 00:28:04,949 MINUTE. IT'S A MOVIE. 446 00:28:05,016 --> 00:28:07,352 THAT MEANS TO SAY PEOPLE ARE GOING TO GO AND SEE IT." 447 00:28:07,419 --> 00:28:11,923 I MEAN, YOU KNOW QUITE A LOT OF PEOPLE, PROBABLY, ALL TOGETHER. 448 00:28:11,990 --> 00:28:17,295 WHAT HAVE I DONE? AND THEN I REALIZED THAT I HAD 449 00:28:17,362 --> 00:28:23,301 TAKEN A SORT OF LEAP OF FAITH, AND I'D PLACED MY FAITH IN THE 450 00:28:23,368 --> 00:28:27,906 AUDIENCE, YOU KNOW. AND THAT IS TO SAY, I HAD BEEN 451 00:28:27,972 --> 00:28:30,975 VULNERABLE, AS NANCY, FOR THEM, FOR YOU. 452 00:28:31,042 --> 00:28:34,712 AND THAT WAS REALLY WORTH IT. THAT WAS REALLY WORTH THE CANDLE 453 00:28:34,779 --> 00:28:40,085 AND WORTH THE... WELL, THE KIND OF... 454 00:28:40,151 --> 00:28:42,153 THE COURAGE, REALLY, IT TOOK TO DO. 455 00:28:42,220 --> 00:28:44,189 BECAUSE IT IS QUITE HARD. BUT YOU-- YOU WERE JUST TELLING 456 00:28:44,255 --> 00:28:47,192 ME THAT YOU HAVE BEEN ON STAGE NAKED. 457 00:28:47,258 --> 00:28:48,793 >> Stephen: LIVE ON STAGE. >> LIVE. 458 00:28:48,860 --> 00:28:51,429 >> Stephen: I'VE DONE TELEVISION AND STUFF LIKE THAT, 459 00:28:51,496 --> 00:28:55,100 I HAVE DONE THE THING WITH THE LITTLE SOCK, THE MODESTY SOCK. 460 00:28:55,166 --> 00:28:58,203 BUT I'VE BEEN BUCK NAKED ON STAGE LIVE IN FRONT OF AN 461 00:28:58,269 --> 00:28:59,370 AUDIENCE BEFORE. THAT'S CHALLENGING. 462 00:28:59,437 --> 00:29:01,806 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: DID IT CHANGE-- I 463 00:29:01,873 --> 00:29:05,977 MEAN, I'D LOVE TO TALK ABOUT ME NAKED, BUT DID IT CHANGE HOW YOU 464 00:29:06,044 --> 00:29:09,547 FEEL NOW ABOUT YOUR BODY? >> I-- I THINK THAT I STARTED 465 00:29:09,614 --> 00:29:12,851 HATING MY BODY WHEN I WAS ABOUT 14. 466 00:29:12,917 --> 00:29:17,455 AND I THINK THOSE NEURAL PATHWAYS ARE KIND OF WELL, WELL, 467 00:29:17,522 --> 00:29:21,826 YOU KNOW, WELL KIND OF CARVED IN TO MY SOUL. 468 00:29:21,893 --> 00:29:26,431 AND I KNOW WE LAUGH, BUT YOU THINK OF ALL THOSE 469 00:29:26,498 --> 00:29:29,734 EIGHT-YEAR-OLDS OUT THERE GOING, "I DON'T LIKE MY THYSELF." 470 00:29:29,801 --> 00:29:32,270 >> Stephen: WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO THE 14-YEAR-OLD? 471 00:29:32,337 --> 00:29:35,006 >> DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME. DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME'S PURPOSE 472 00:29:35,073 --> 00:29:37,208 WORRYING ABOUT YOUR BODY. THIS IS YOUR VESSEL. 473 00:29:37,275 --> 00:29:38,743 IT'S YOUR HOUSE. IT'S WHERE YOU LIVE. 474 00:29:38,810 --> 00:29:41,346 THERE'S NO POINT IN JUDGING IT. ABSOLUTELY NO POINT. 475 00:29:41,412 --> 00:29:47,418 BUT IT'S VERY HARD TO DO. ( APPLAUSE ) 476 00:29:47,485 --> 00:29:52,891 NOTNO POINT. >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO GO HERE 477 00:29:52,957 --> 00:29:55,293 IN JUST A MOMENT, BELIEVE IT OR NOT. 478 00:29:55,360 --> 00:29:57,862 BUT I WANTED TO ASK YOU A QUESTION BEFORE YOU GO TO CLEAR 479 00:29:57,929 --> 00:30:00,398 UP A RUMOR FOR ME. IS THAT I HAVE HEARD STORIES 480 00:30:00,465 --> 00:30:04,836 FROM OTHER PEOPLE THAT YOU KEEP YOUR OSCARS IN AN INTERESTING 481 00:30:04,903 --> 00:30:07,438 LOCATION. AND I WANT TO KNOW IF THIS IS 482 00:30:07,505 --> 00:30:08,439 TRUE. >> HMMM... 483 00:30:08,506 --> 00:30:09,774 >> Stephen: DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT? 484 00:30:09,841 --> 00:30:13,811 >> THEY'RE IN THE LOO. DOWNSTAIRS LOO. 485 00:30:13,878 --> 00:30:15,914 >> Stephen: YOU KEEP YOUR OSCARS IN THE TOILET. 486 00:30:15,980 --> 00:30:20,485 WHY IS THIS? >> WELL, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THEY 487 00:30:20,552 --> 00:30:22,987 WOULD LOOK RIDICULOUS ANYWHERE ELSE. 488 00:30:23,054 --> 00:30:24,189 ( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW -- 489 00:30:24,255 --> 00:30:27,158 >> Stephen: I BUILT A ROOM JUST FOR MY EMMYS. 490 00:30:27,225 --> 00:30:32,063 >> YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT LOADS. YOU NEED A ROOM FOR YOUR EMMYS. 491 00:30:32,130 --> 00:30:33,731 >> Stephen: SURE. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING 492 00:30:33,798 --> 00:30:36,267 HERE. >> SO GOOD TO SEE YOU. 493 00:30:36,334 --> 00:30:39,270 >> Stephen: "GOOD LUCK TO YOU, LEO GRANDE" IS AVAILABLE ON HULU 494 00:30:39,337 --> 00:30:42,607 ON FRIDAY. EMMA THOMPSON, EVERYBODY! 495 00:30:42,674 --> 00:30:45,043 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN TOM SEGURA. 496 00:31:01,826 --> 00:31:03,194 ( APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK. 497 00:31:03,261 --> 00:31:06,864 FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST TONIGHT IS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN YOU KNOW 498 00:31:06,931 --> 00:31:08,366 FROM HIS NETFLIX SPECIALS AND COMEDY PODCASTS. 499 00:31:08,433 --> 00:31:09,634 HE HAS JUST WRITTEN A NEW BOOK, "I'D LIKE TO PLAY ALONE, 500 00:31:09,701 --> 00:31:11,536 PLEASE." PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE 501 00:31:11,603 --> 00:31:15,273 SHOW," TOM SEGURA! ♪ ♪ ♪ 502 00:31:15,340 --> 00:31:23,681 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HOW YOU DOING? 503 00:31:23,748 --> 00:31:33,558 >> I'M DOING WELL. NICE TO SEE YOU. 504 00:31:33,625 --> 00:31:36,394 I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS FOR A FEW YEARS. 505 00:31:36,461 --> 00:31:38,896 YOU WERE HERE THREE, FOUR YEARS AGO, SOMETHING LIKE THAT? 506 00:31:38,963 --> 00:31:40,298 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: I TRULY ENJOYED 507 00:31:40,365 --> 00:31:42,400 IT, AND I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO COME BACK. 508 00:31:42,467 --> 00:31:45,603 >> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: NOW YOU'VE GOT THE 509 00:31:45,670 --> 00:31:47,005 BOOK RIGHT HERE. "I'D LIKE TO PLAY ALONE, 510 00:31:47,071 --> 00:31:48,273 PLEASE." THERE YOU GO. 511 00:31:48,339 --> 00:31:51,943 FIRST OF ALL,-- AND THIS IS NOT ON-- THIS IS NOT A QUESTION ON 512 00:31:52,010 --> 00:31:53,578 ANY OF THE CARDS. YOU CAN CHECK. 513 00:31:53,645 --> 00:31:56,414 YOU LOOK HEALTHY. >> THANKS! 514 00:31:56,481 --> 00:31:58,116 THANKS! >> Stephen: IS THAT A PLAN? 515 00:31:58,182 --> 00:32:00,251 >> YEAH, I'M TRYING TO BE LESS FAT. 516 00:32:00,318 --> 00:32:04,956 ( LAUGHTER ). SO YOUR FIRST NETFLIX SPECIAL-- 517 00:32:05,023 --> 00:32:06,758 I'VE SEEN ALL OF THEM NOW. >> THANK YOU. 518 00:32:06,824 --> 00:32:10,061 >> Stephen: I'M KIND OF OBSESSED WITH YOUR WORK. 519 00:32:10,128 --> 00:32:14,332 YOUR FIRST NETFLIX SPECIAL AIRED IN 2014 WHEN NETFLIX WASN'T THE 520 00:32:14,399 --> 00:32:18,369 BIG COMEDY DEAL IT IS NOW. WERE YOU EXCITED TO GET IT? 521 00:32:18,436 --> 00:32:22,106 >> NO. THAT-- LIKE, THE MOUNTAINTOP 522 00:32:22,173 --> 00:32:25,877 THEN IF YOU WERE A WORKING ROAD GUY LIKE ME WAS COMEDY CENTRAL. 523 00:32:25,943 --> 00:32:28,279 THAT WAS-- THAT WAS-- THAT'S WHERE YOU WANTED TO BE, YOU 524 00:32:28,346 --> 00:32:31,215 KNOW. AND, LIKE, YEAH, OBVIOUSLY, I 525 00:32:31,282 --> 00:32:35,119 THINK IT WORKED OUT FOR YOU THERE. 526 00:32:35,186 --> 00:32:38,189 BUT-- SO WE SHOT IT AND WE SENT IT TO THEM. 527 00:32:38,256 --> 00:32:42,026 AND I WAS JUST LIKE, "PLEASE SY YES." 528 00:32:42,093 --> 00:32:44,128 I HAD DONE OTHER THINGS ON THE NETWORK. 529 00:32:44,195 --> 00:32:45,530 AND THEY PASSED. THEY SAID NO. 530 00:32:45,596 --> 00:32:49,367 I GOT THE CALL. THEY SAID THERE'S NO THEME TO 531 00:32:49,434 --> 00:32:51,636 THE HOUR. AND I WAS LIKE, THE THEME IS 532 00:32:51,703 --> 00:32:53,204 JOKES. LIKE, THAT'S-- WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 533 00:32:53,271 --> 00:32:55,039 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THE THEME? 534 00:32:55,106 --> 00:32:57,442 I'M NOT TRYING TO GET MY DOCTORATE. 535 00:32:57,508 --> 00:32:59,510 THIS IS JUST AN HOUR SPECIAL. ( LAUGHTER ) 536 00:32:59,577 --> 00:33:06,951 PULLED OVER IN L.A., AND MY MANAGER GOES, "BUT YOU KNOW WHO 537 00:33:07,018 --> 00:33:09,954 WANTS TO ACQUIRE IT?" THIS IS 2013, THE YEAR BEFORE IT 538 00:33:10,021 --> 00:33:11,089 AIRS. "NETFLIX." 539 00:33:11,155 --> 00:33:14,759 AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, REALLY?" AND HE WAS LIKE, "YEAH." 540 00:33:14,826 --> 00:33:17,829 LIKE TO MAIL THE DVDs IN? BECAUSE THAT'S YOU WERE -- 541 00:33:17,895 --> 00:33:20,264 >> Stephen: RIGHT, YEAH. >> HE WAS LIKE, "YEAH, BUT 542 00:33:20,331 --> 00:33:22,600 THEY'RE GETTING INTO STREAMING." I'M LIKE THAT'S NOT GOING TO 543 00:33:22,667 --> 00:33:23,968 WORK, DUDE. IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK. 544 00:33:24,035 --> 00:33:27,004 HE WAS LIKE, WELL, THEY'RE THE ONLY ONES WHO SAID YES." 545 00:33:27,071 --> 00:33:30,808 AND I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT." AND IT WAS JUST KIND OF LIKE-- I 546 00:33:30,875 --> 00:33:32,744 JUST KIND OF-- I HONESTLY FORGOT ABOUT IT. 547 00:33:32,810 --> 00:33:35,613 AND THEN IT AIRED. I DIDN'T THINK MUCH OF IT. 548 00:33:35,680 --> 00:33:38,850 AND, LIKE, THREE MONTHS LATER, WE'RE SELLING SOME TICKETS, AND 549 00:33:38,916 --> 00:33:42,687 THEN BY SIX MONTHS LATER, WE'RE JUST SELLING OUT SHOWS, ADDING 550 00:33:42,754 --> 00:33:44,255 SHOWS. IT ALL TOOK OFF FROM THAT. 551 00:33:44,322 --> 00:33:48,459 .>> Stephen: NOW, I UNDERSTAND THERE'S A WARDROBE PERK FOR 552 00:33:48,526 --> 00:33:49,660 NETFLIX. >> YEAH. 553 00:33:49,727 --> 00:33:52,063 >> Stephen: PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME THIS PROP I HAVE BACK HERE. 554 00:33:52,130 --> 00:33:56,634 >> OKAY, SO, WITH EACH SPECIAL YOU'RE LIKE, "YOU SHOULD ASK FOR 555 00:33:56,701 --> 00:33:59,103 MORE." WITH THE LAST ONE, THE FOURTH 556 00:33:59,170 --> 00:34:03,775 ONE, I WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW, I SHOULD TRY TO LIKE I DON'T KNOW, 557 00:34:03,841 --> 00:34:10,415 TRY TO LOOK-- LOOK GOOD. SO I-- I CALLED-- I HIRED A 558 00:34:10,481 --> 00:34:13,518 STYLIST, SETH CHERNOFF-- SORRY I DIDN'T CALL YOU ABOUT TODAY. 559 00:34:13,584 --> 00:34:16,587 I PUT THIS TOGETHER. BUT I CALLED HIM AND HE CAME 560 00:34:16,654 --> 00:34:19,457 OVER WITH ALL THESE LIKE COOL JACKETS BECAUSE I WANTED TO WEAR 561 00:34:19,524 --> 00:34:23,060 A JACKET IN THE SPECIAL. HE HAS ALL THESE JACKETS. 562 00:34:23,127 --> 00:34:28,232 SOME WERE-- AND I PUT ON THIS ONE AND I'M LIKE, "MAN, THIS IS 563 00:34:28,299 --> 00:34:29,901 AWESOME. THIS FEELS LIKE A GLOVE." 564 00:34:29,967 --> 00:34:34,238 HE SAID, "YEAH, IT'S $5,000." AND I GO, "I'M NOT-- I'M NOT 565 00:34:34,305 --> 00:34:38,743 BUYING THAT, DUDE." HE'S LIKE, "DO YOU THINK NETFLIX 566 00:34:38,810 --> 00:34:42,680 WOULD BUY IT?" AND I'M LIKE, "MAYBE." 567 00:34:42,747 --> 00:34:44,649 ALSO, IT'S OLIVE AND WE WANT IT TO BE BLUE, RIGHT. 568 00:34:44,715 --> 00:34:47,518 SO WE CALL NETFLIX, AND THEY'RE LIKE, OKAY. 569 00:34:47,585 --> 00:34:50,254 THEY SIGN OFF ON IT. I'M LIKE REALLY. 570 00:34:50,321 --> 00:34:53,658 AND THEY'RE LIKE, YEAH, I GUESS. WHY DO YOU NEED IT? 571 00:34:53,724 --> 00:34:56,260 I'M LIKE, "BECAUSE IT FITS NICE SM GLCHMENT BECAUSE IT'S FUNNY. 572 00:34:56,327 --> 00:35:00,064 >> YEAH, IT'S FUNNY. I'M LIKE NOW WE NEED IT TO BE 573 00:35:00,131 --> 00:35:02,633 BLUE. SO HE CALLS THE PEOPLE THAT MADE 574 00:35:02,700 --> 00:35:07,872 IT IN ITALY, HE CALLS THEM, AND HE'S LIKE, "CAN YOU MAKE THIS IN 575 00:35:07,939 --> 00:35:10,308 BLUE?" AND THEY'RE LIKE, "IT WILL TAKE 576 00:35:10,374 --> 00:35:12,543 FOUR MONTHS." AND HE SAID, "WE HAVE TWO 577 00:35:12,610 --> 00:35:14,545 WEEKS." WE HAVE AN OLIVE JACKET WE 578 00:35:14,612 --> 00:35:16,914 PURCHASED FOR $5,000 BUT WE NEED IT TO BE BLUE. 579 00:35:16,981 --> 00:35:25,356 HE'S LIKE I KNOW THE BEST DYE PERSON IN L.A. AND THEY'LL DO AN 580 00:35:25,423 --> 00:35:27,558 AMAZING JOB. THEY'RE BYE THE LEATHER. 581 00:35:27,625 --> 00:35:29,494 THEY DYE IT BLUE. IT LOOKS GREAT. 582 00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:32,663 AND, LIKE, A WEEK BEFORE THIS-- I'M SUPPOSED TO TAPE. 583 00:35:32,730 --> 00:35:34,532 I'M LIKE, "I DON'T WANT TO WEAR IT." 584 00:35:34,599 --> 00:35:38,503 AND HE'S LIKE, "WHY?" I SAID, "I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE 585 00:35:38,569 --> 00:35:43,774 THE LEATHER GUY, LIKE OH! I FEEL LIKE IT'S A CHARACTER. 586 00:35:43,841 --> 00:35:48,246 I WEAR LEATHER." I START TO FEEL WEIRD ABOUT IT. 587 00:35:48,312 --> 00:35:52,250 I SAID I'M NOT WEARING IT. HE SAID WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO 588 00:35:52,316 --> 00:35:55,887 WEAR? AND I SAID I HAVE A JACKET IN MY 589 00:35:55,953 --> 00:35:58,756 CLOSET. AND NETFLIX IS LIKE, "WHAT ABOUT 590 00:35:58,823 --> 00:36:04,662 THE 5 G'S WE DROP?" I HAVE NEVER WORN IT. 591 00:36:04,729 --> 00:36:06,531 >> Stephen: YOU BROUGHT IT. >> I DID. 592 00:36:06,597 --> 00:36:08,499 >> Stephen: THAT IS A REALLY BEAUTIFUL-- MAY I TRY IT ON? 593 00:36:08,566 --> 00:36:11,802 >> I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO TRY IT ON. 594 00:36:11,869 --> 00:36:13,471 PLEASE. >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW IF 595 00:36:13,538 --> 00:36:15,907 WE'RE THE SAME SIZE. YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. 596 00:36:15,973 --> 00:36:18,509 >> Stephen: NOT REALLY, NOT REALLY. 597 00:36:18,576 --> 00:36:20,578 OKAY, HERE WE GO. >> OH, DUDE. 598 00:36:20,645 --> 00:36:23,681 >> Stephen: OH, MAN! ( APPLAUSE ) 599 00:36:23,748 --> 00:36:36,727 ( APPLAUSE ) >> I THINK I WORE IT ONCE. 600 00:36:36,794 --> 00:36:38,896 IT WAS DURING THE PANDEMIC. >> Stephen: THIS IS REALLY 601 00:36:38,963 --> 00:36:39,997 NICE, MAN. >> YOU LIKE IT. 602 00:36:40,064 --> 00:36:42,800 >> Stephen: YEAH. >> YOU WANT IT? 603 00:36:42,867 --> 00:36:44,268 >> Stephen: 50 BUCKS. >> ALL RIGHT. 604 00:36:44,335 --> 00:36:47,605 >> THAT LOOKS GOOD ON YOU. >> Stephen: IT REALLY DOES 605 00:36:47,672 --> 00:36:49,907 LOOK GOOD ON ME. I CAN SEE, THIS JIM? 606 00:36:49,974 --> 00:36:53,311 OH, WOW. ( APPLAUSE ) 607 00:36:53,377 --> 00:36:56,681 WOW. >> THAT LOOKS GOOD. 608 00:36:56,747 --> 00:36:59,517 >> Stephen: I RARELY GET WARDROBE OUT OF THESE. 609 00:36:59,584 --> 00:37:02,453 OKAY, LET'S JUST KEEP THIS ON FOR A SECOND, KEEP MOVING HERE. 610 00:37:02,520 --> 00:37:04,622 >> YEAH, YEAH. >> Stephen: FATHER'S DAY,. 611 00:37:04,689 --> 00:37:06,090 >> YES. >> Stephen: FATHER'S DAY IS 612 00:37:06,157 --> 00:37:07,491 COMING UP THIS SUNDAY. YOU HAVE-- 613 00:37:07,558 --> 00:37:11,095 >> TWO BOS. >> Stephen: DOS. 614 00:37:11,162 --> 00:37:14,832 >> DOS, YES, YES. >> Stephen: HOW OLD ARE THEY. 615 00:37:14,899 --> 00:37:16,801 >> Stephen: DO YOU MIND IF I ASK? 616 00:37:16,867 --> 00:37:20,037 >> SIX AND THREE. >> Stephen: SIX AND THREE, 617 00:37:20,104 --> 00:37:22,406 FANTASTIC AGE. >> THEY'RE REALLY CUTE. 618 00:37:22,473 --> 00:37:27,011 >> Stephen: SIX IS JUST ABOUT PERFECT AND THREE WILL GET 619 00:37:27,078 --> 00:37:28,212 THERE. FATHER'S DAY ARE YOU LOOKING 620 00:37:28,279 --> 00:37:29,113 FORWARD TO THAT? >> WE'LL SEE. 621 00:37:29,180 --> 00:37:32,250 I DON'T KNOW. >> Stephen: DO YOU GET 622 00:37:32,316 --> 00:37:35,086 ANYTHING? DOES YOUR WIFE, LIKE, BREAKFAST 623 00:37:35,152 --> 00:37:36,220 IN BED? >> SOMETIMES. 624 00:37:36,287 --> 00:37:38,589 THAT STUFF HAPPENS. AND THEY'LL GET ME SOMETHING 625 00:37:38,656 --> 00:37:41,959 THAT I WAS LIKE, "HERE, I JUST BOUGHT THIS. 626 00:37:42,026 --> 00:37:45,196 I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU, NOW YOU GIVE IT TO ME," LIKE THAT KIND 627 00:37:45,262 --> 00:37:46,464 OF THING. ( LAUGHTER ) 628 00:37:46,530 --> 00:37:50,668 >> Stephen: BEING A DAD IS WONDERFUL. 629 00:37:50,735 --> 00:37:52,670 >> IT'S THE BEST! >> Stephen: IT'S DIFFICULT. 630 00:37:52,737 --> 00:37:54,105 IT'S A CHALLENGE. >> A LOT OF WORK. 631 00:37:54,171 --> 00:37:56,440 >> Stephen: A CHALLENGE AT ALL TIMES BUT BEAUTIFUL EVEN WHEN 632 00:37:56,507 --> 00:37:57,708 IT'S HARD. >> YES, YES. 633 00:37:57,775 --> 00:38:03,881 THE THREE-YEAR-OLD IS ON THIS THING NOW WHERE HE REFUSES TO GO 634 00:38:03,948 --> 00:38:08,953 BY HIS NAME. HIS NAME IS JULIAN AND EVERY DAY 635 00:38:09,020 --> 00:38:12,223 HE INSISTS ON YOU CALLING HIM "SIR." 636 00:38:12,289 --> 00:38:13,124 SO... ( LAUGHTER ) 637 00:38:13,190 --> 00:38:18,529 IT'S NOT LIKE A BIT FOR, LIKE, THE AFTER. 638 00:38:18,596 --> 00:38:21,699 IT'S LIKE "GOOD MORNING, JULIAN." 639 00:38:21,766 --> 00:38:22,733 AND IT'S "YOU CALL ME SIR." AND I HAVE TO BE, SIR, WILL YOU 640 00:38:22,800 --> 00:38:26,137 PLEASE EAT, SIR? WILL YOU GO TO BED, SIR?" 641 00:38:26,203 --> 00:38:29,507 IF YOU DON'T CALL HIM "SIR," IT'S A HUGE TANTRUM. 642 00:38:29,573 --> 00:38:33,244 SO WE'VE JUST GIVEN IN TO "SIR." >> Stephen: IS HIS OLDER 643 00:38:33,310 --> 00:38:36,080 BROTHER PLAYING THAT GAME? >> OH, YEAH. 644 00:38:36,147 --> 00:38:39,817 HIS OLDER BROTHER IS LIKE, "SIR IS IN THE BATH RIGHT NOW." 645 00:38:39,884 --> 00:38:42,520 ( LAUGHTER ) HIS NAME ONE DAY. 646 00:38:42,586 --> 00:38:45,156 AND THEN-- AND THE SIX-YEAR-OLD-- MAN, HE'S 647 00:38:45,222 --> 00:38:49,026 REFUSING TO WIPE HIS ASS. LIKE, REFUSING, RIGHT. 648 00:38:49,093 --> 00:38:50,728 >> Stephen: THAT'S A LITTLE OLD. 649 00:38:50,795 --> 00:38:54,732 >> I'M LIKE BRO. HE'S LIKE, "I POOPED." 650 00:38:54,799 --> 00:38:57,368 AND I'M LIKE, "BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE SECOND PART NOW." 651 00:38:57,435 --> 00:39:01,338 I GO IN THERE AND I'M LIKE YOU REALLY HAVE TO GET-- YOU HAVE TO 652 00:39:01,405 --> 00:39:04,809 WIPE YOURSELF." AND HE SAYS, "I WANT TO WAIT 653 00:39:04,875 --> 00:39:06,610 UNTIL I'M TALLER." AND I'M LIKE-- 654 00:39:06,677 --> 00:39:11,048 ( LAUGHTER ) BE?" 655 00:39:11,115 --> 00:39:14,919 AND HE GOES, "18." ( LAUGHTER ). 656 00:39:14,985 --> 00:39:18,923 YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO THAT UNTIL HE'S 18. 657 00:39:18,989 --> 00:39:22,059 >> NO! 16, I'M NOT GIVING HIMAISE CAR 658 00:39:22,126 --> 00:39:26,197 IF HE'S NOT WIPING HIS ASS. IT'S A DEAL, MAN. 659 00:39:26,263 --> 00:39:28,432 >> Stephen: WELL, TOM SEGURA, LOVELY TO HAVE YOU BACK. 660 00:39:28,499 --> 00:39:30,768 >> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME. >> Stephen: I REALLY 661 00:39:30,835 --> 00:39:40,377 APPRECIATE YOU STOPPING BY. ( APPLAUSE ) 662 00:39:40,444 --> 00:39:43,080 PLEASE." IT'S TOM SEGURA, EVERYBODY. 663 00:39:43,147 --> 00:39:44,315 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. ♪ ♪ ♪ 664 00:40:05,102 --> 00:40:06,237 THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW." 665 00:40:06,303 --> 00:40:10,007 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE TOM HANKS. 666 00:40:10,074 --> 00:40:13,244 STICK AROUND FOR JAMES CORDEN. HE'S GOT BILL CLINTON. 667 00:40:13,310 --> 00:40:14,011 GOOD NIGHT. ♪ ♪ ♪