>> K-POP SUPERSTARS BTS SAY THEY AREN'T BLOWING UP THE GROUP LIKE
DYNAMITE-- SORRY. THEY'RE SIMPLY TAKING A BREAK.
THE MASSIVELY POPULAR BOY BAND MADE THE ANNOUNCEMENT DURING
THEIR NINTH ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION, AND IT WAS VERY
CAREFUL TO CALL THIS A HIATUS. >> IT REALLY DOES FEEL LIKE THE
END OF AN ERA, AND THE BTS ARMY, THAT INCLUDES TENS OF MILLIONS
OF FANS WORLDWIDE, ARE DEVASTATED BY LAST NIGHT'S NEWS.
>> WITH BTS ON HIATUS, WHO WILL FILL THE BOY BAND VOID?
BACKSTREET'S BACK AGAIN.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: AND FATHER'S DAY FIRST DRAFTS
WITH STEPHEN AND EVIE. PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES:
EMMA THOMPSON AND TOM SEGURA
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: A LITTLE BIT LONGER THAN USUAL.
GOOD TO SEE YOU. GOOD TO SEE YOU.
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY. HOW NICE.
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL THE SHIPS AT SEA.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN-- ( APPLAUSE )
WE'RE STILL WAITING FOR THE NEXT JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE HEARING.
THE NEXT ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TODAY, BUT NOW THE NEXT ONE IS
TOMORROW. BUT YESTERDAY, THE COMMITTEE DID
DROP A TEASER FOR THE NEXT HEARING.
OH, A TEASER! IT'S LIKE A MARVEL MOVIE.
IS THERE A MULTIVERSE WHERE THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES FOR
STAGING A COUP? ( LAUGHTER )
GIUILANI IS HIDING BOTTLES OF WINE IN EVERY DIMENSION!
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE TEASER HINTED AT NEW INFORMATION ABOUT THE FORMER
PRESIDENT'S CAMPAIGN ATTORNEY JOHN EASTMAN, SEEN HERE AFTER
WINNING THE "100 METER DINGUS." ( LAUGHTER )
THE DUMBASS MASTERMIND, OR DUMB-ASSTER-MIND, BEHIND THE
RIDICULOUS LEGAL ARGUMENT THAT MIKE PENCE HAD THE POWER TO
BLOCK CONGRESS FROM CERTIFYING BIDEN'S VICTORY.
YOU KNOW WHO DISAGREED? MIKE PENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) TO WISH DEMOCRACY INTO THE
CORNFIELD. BUT EASTMAN DID NOT GIVE UP WITH
HIS PLAN. WE KNOW THAT, BECAUSE YESTERDAY,
THE COMMITTEE RELEASED A VIDEO OF FORMER WHITE HOUSE ATTORNEY
ERIC HERSCHMANN DESCRIBING A PHONE CALL HE GOT ON JANUARY
7th. >> IT WAS THE DAY AFTER.
EASTMAN, I DON'T REMEMBER WHY HE CALLED ME.
AND HE STARTED TO ASK ME ABOUT SOMETHING DEALING WITH GEORGIA
AND PRESERVING SOMETHING POTENTIALLY FOR APPEAL.
AND I SAID TO HIM, "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR EFFING MIND?"
>> Stephen: I CAN ANSWER THAT ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) ABSO-EFFING-LUTELY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( APPLAUSE )
ON NATIONAL TV AND THOUGHT HE COULD JUST KEEP GOING.
THAT'S LIKE BEING ON TRIAL FOR PUBLIC INDECENCY AND SWEARING IN
BY RAISING MORE THAN YOUR RIGHT HAND.
( LAUGHTER ) WAS DONE HEARING ABOUT THE
COCKAMAMIE PLAN TO OVERTHROW THE ELECTION RESULTS:
>> I SAID, "I ONLY WANT TO HEAR TWO WORDS COMING OUT OF YOUR
MOUTH FROM NOW ON." >> Stephen: FREE NACHOS?
WANGO TANGO? CABO WABO?
NO? I'M SORRY, GO ON.
>> "'ORDERLY TRANSITION.'" >> Stephen: OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) THEN HERSCHMANN EXPLAINED HOW
THAT CALL WITH THE ARCHITECT OF THE COUP ENDED:
>> I SAID, "GOOD, JOHN. NOW I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE
BEST FREE LEGAL ADVICE YOU'RE EVER GETTING IN YOUR LIFE: GET
A GREAT EFFING CRIMINAL DEFENSE LAWYER.
YOU'RE GOING TO NEED IT." >> Stephen: THAT IS GOOD ADVICE
( APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE THE LAWYER EASTMAN WAS
PLOTTING THE COUP WITH STUDIED FOR THE BAR BY GOING TO ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) FEATURED IN THE VIDEOS IN THE
HEARINGS ARE NOT HAPPY ABOUT THE PUBLICITY.
TAKE PROUD BOY LEADER AND WORST-CASE SCENARIO DAVID CROSS,
JOSEPH BIGGS. FOR HIS ROLE IN THE COUP, BIGGS
HAS BEEN CHARGED WITH SEDITIOU CONSPIRACY.
IT'S A SERIOUS CHARGE. IT CARRIES A MAXIMUM SENTENCE OF
20 YEARS. BY THE TIME HE GETS OUT, THIS
PROUD BOY'S GOING TO BE A PROUD MEMBER OF THE A.A.R.P.
AND BIGGS WANTS TO MOVE HIS TRIAL, ARGUING TO THE COURT, "IN
VIEW OF THE INCREASED AND UNQUESTIONABLY SPECTACULAR 24/7
NEGATIVE PRESS AND MEDIA COVERAGE ABOUT THE FRATERNITY
KNOWN AS THE PROUD BOYS." OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
I FORGOT. THE PROUD BOYS ARE A FRATERNITY.
JANUARY 6 WAS JUST HAZING! WE ALL HEARD THE CHANT!
>> SPANK MIKE PENCE! SPANK MIKE PENCE!
( APPLAUSE ).
THANK YOU, SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?
BIGGS' ATTORNEY ARGUES THAT HIS CLIENT CAN'T GET A FAIR TRIAL,
THANKS TO THIS WEEK'S TELEVISED HEARINGS OF THE HOUSE SELECT
COMMITTEE ON JANUARY 6, AND ALL THE MEDIA COVERAGE FROM "MORNING
JOE" TO STEPHEN COLBERT'S "LATE SHOW."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Audience: STEPHEN!
STEPHEN! STEPHEN!
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I DO A LOT OF
JOKES ABOUT THESE VIOLENT FASCISTS, BUT TO HEAR THAT EVEN
ONE OF THEM NOTICED? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU HATE ME, YOU REALLY HATE ME. ( LAUGHTER )
NEED TO MOVE HIS TRIAL BECAUSE SHOWS LIKE MINE CONTINUE TO
SATURATE THE JURY POOL OF MEDIA- OBSESSIVE WASHINGTON D.C.
THEY WANT TO MOVE THE TRIAL TO SOMEPLACE WHERE THE PROUD BOYS
HAVE A BETTER REPUTATION, LIKE 1930'S BERLIN.
( LAUGHTER ) SHOUT-OUT, THE ARTICLE SAYS
"NEWSWEEK" CONTACTED COLBERT'S REPRESENTATIVES FOR COMMENT.
"WELL, MR. COLBERT, DO YOU HAVE A COMMENT?"
"WHY, THANK YOU, STEVE, I DO." "WANT TO SHARE IT WITH THE
PEOPLE?" "CERTAINLY.
WHILE THIS IS A VERY HIGH-PROFILE CASE, IN OUR SYSTEM
OF JUSTICE, THE ACCUSED IS INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY.
SO I WANT EVERYONE IN THE POTENTIAL JURY POOL TO HEAR
ME WHEN I SAY, 'YOU ARE GOING TO JAIL, YOU NEO-NUMBNUT!
AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CAN COME AND GET ME. MY NAME IS JOE SCARBOROUGH, AND
I LOVE COFFEE! WELCOME TO THE MONKEYHOUSE,
BROTHER.'" ( LAUGHTER )
WELCOME TO THE MONKEYHOUSE, MEANWHILE, THE ECONOMY: BAD.
THE FEELING: SAD. INFLATION'S UP, THE MARKET'S
DOWN, AND CRYPTO IS TRAPPED ON MARS EATING MATT DAMON'S POOP
POTATOES. ( LAUGHTER )
PRESIDENT BIDEN STAYED POSITIVE: >> THERE'S SO MUCH AT STAKE, BUT
THE TRUTH IS I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE OPTIMISTIC ABOUT AMERICA
THAN I AM TODAY. I REALLY MEAN IT.
>> Stephen: "I REALLY MEAN IT. AMERICA'S NEVER BEEN BETTER!
THEY'RE SELLIN' ICE ALL YEAR 'ROUND, NOW!
YOU WANT TAFFY, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO PULL IT YOURSELF!
AND THE BROOKLYN DODGERS FINALLY TOOK HOME THE PENNANT!
THE YEAR IS WHAT NOW? WHOOO, BOY!
THAT'S A LOTTA TWO'S! AH, THAT'S GOTTA BE A JOKE,
YOU'RE JOSHIN' ME, GIVIN' ME THE BUSINESS.
REMINDS ME, I GOTTA WATCH THAT TONIGHT'S 'LEAVE IT TO BEAVER.'"
( APPLAUSE ) REALLY?
Y'ALL ARE A CHEAP DATE. NOW, UNFORTUNATELY, MOST
AMERICANS AREN'T FEELING SO SUNNY AS JOE.
ONE REASON? THE NATIONAL GAS PRICE AVERAGE
IS NOW OVER $5 A GALLON. BIDEN HAS HEARD AMERICA'S
CONCERNS AND IS PUTTING MAJOR PRESSURE ON BIG OIL.
THIS MORNING, HE SENT A LETTER TO THE COMPANIES.
MR. PRESIDENT, I THINK WE'RE PAST THE PEN PAL PHASE.
WHEN YOUR HOUSE IS BURNING, YOU DON'T SIT DOWN AND WRITE,
"DEAR CANDLE I LEFT UNATTENDED, HOW DARE YOU.
THIS BETRAYAL WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN.
SINCERELY-- OH, GOD, SCREAM SCREAM!
HELP, HELP! I AM ON FIRE!"
( LAUGHTER ) NOVEMBER, AND ONE SENATE
CANDIDATE KEEPS GETTING IN TROUBLE: GEORGIA REPUBLICAN AND
"AMERICA'S NECK" TOP MODEL, HERSCHEL WALKER.
WALKER IS A FORMER HEISMAN TROPHY WINNER, BUT FOR SOME
REASON, HE FEELS HE NEEDS TO KEEP MAKING STUFF UP ABOUT HIS
ACCOMPLISHMENTS. THE NEWEST MAKE-'EM-UP: HERSCHEL
WALKER USED TO BRAG HE WORKED IN LAW ENFORCEMENT BUT, ACCORDING
TO A NEW REPORT, HE NEVER DID. IT WILL ALL BE DETAILED IN THE
NEW SHOW: "WALKER: NOT A RANGER."
( LAUGHTER ) YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE EMMA THOMPSON AND TOM SEGURA.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, ME AND MY WIFE EVIE HAVE FIRST DRAFTS OF
FATHER'S DAY CARDS." STICK AROUND.
WELCOME BACK EVERYBODY. PLEASE SAY HELLO TO LOUIS CATO,
AND EVERYBODY IN STAY HUMAN, RIGHT OVER THERE.
LOUIS, YOU KNOW, I LOVE ALL MY GUESTS EQUALLY.
>> Louis: OF COURSE. >> Stephen: THEY'RE LIKE MY
CHILDREN. >> Louis: NATURALLY.
>> Stephen: BUT TONIGHT, TWO VERY SPECIAL, TOM SEGURA, WHO IS
A STAND-UP, WHO I THINK IS FANTASTIC.
( APPLAUSE ) GOT A NEW BOOK.
AND ONE OF THE TRUE GREATS WHO I ALWAYS ENJOY TALKING TO, EMMA
THOMPSON IS HERE TONIGHT. TWO-TIME OSCAR WINNER.
>> Louis: COME ON! >> Stephen: TWO-TIME OSCAR
WINNER RIGHT THERE. SO, LET'S-- LET'S GET TO THAT AS
QUICKLY AS WE CAN. FOLKS, IT'S ALMOST
FATHER'S DAY, SO MAKE SURE TO CALL YOUR DAD ON SUNDAY AND SAY
"WOW, THAT SOUNDS INCREDIBLE" AT THE APPROPRIATE MOMENTS DURING
HIS DESCRIPTION OF A PODCAST ABOUT WORLD WAR I.
( LAUGHTER ) FATHER'S DAY CARDS OUT THERE TO
CHOOSE FROM BUT THEY DON'T ALWAYS GET IT RIGHT ON THE FIRST
TRY. SO TONIGHT, WE'LL TAKE A LOOK AT
SOME OF THE EARLY ATTEMPTS IN OUR SEGMENT: "FIRST DRAFTS."
>> NO, STUPID! >> Stephen: AS ALWAYS, I'LL NEED
SOME HELP FROM AMERICA'S SWEETHEART AND MINE, EVIE
COLBERT, EVERYBODY. COME ON OUT.
YOU LOOK FANTASTIC! >> HI.
>> Audience: EVIE! EVIE!
>> OH, FRENCH.
>> Stephen: EUROPEAN. >> Stephen: YOU LOOK
ABSOLUTELY LOVELY. >> THANK YOU.
WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE EMMA THOMPSON.
>> Stephen: I HAVE SEEN EMMA THOMPSON.
>> SHE LOOKS INCREDIBLE. >> Stephen: THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
LEMON MERINGUE PIE I HAVE EVER SEEN.
>> UNBELIEVABLE. >> Stephen: DARLING, THANK YOU
FOR DOING FIRST DRAFTS. >> I LOVE IT.
WE NEED MORE HOLIDAYS. >> Stephen: WE DO, WE DO.
WE'LL DO ARBOR DAY CARDS, SOMETIME.
>> YES, I GOT IT. >> Stephen: HERE ARE THE
CARDS. FOR THE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT
DON'T KNOW-- >> I WILL GIVE YOU THE ONE THAT
YOU LIKE. AND THEN AFTER THAT, YOU OF I
GIVE YOU THE FIRST DRAFT, WHICH WAS REALLY BAD.
>> Stephen: THAT WAS A REALLY-- I WASN'T SAY "REALLY
BAD." THEY'RE GOING TO TURN OFF THE
TV. INAPPROPRIATE.
>> INAPPROPRIATE. WELL, I MEAN-- OH, WHATEVER.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A SERIES OF CARDS, THE FIRST ONE OF WHICH
I WILL SHOW YOU YOU THAT WAS FOR SALE AND THE NEXT ONE DEEMED NOT
GOOD ENOUGH TO SELL. >> THAT'S INAPPROPRIATE, IS IT
NOT. >> Stephen: SOME ARE
INAPPROPRIATE. SOME JUST ARE TERRIBLE.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. >> I'M THRILLED!
HOW'SIT GOING SO FAR? >> Stephen: IT'S GOING GREAT.
I'VE NEVER HAD A BETTER FATHERRER'S DAY.
THIS ONE SAYS, "HAPPY FATHER'S DAY...
I JUST WANTED TO SAY I LOVE YOU."
THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL TO GET. BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "HAPPY
FATHER'S DAY... I JUST WANTED TO SAY I LOVE YOU,
BUT WE DON'T REALLY DO THAT, SO I CHANGED THE TANK ON YOUR
GRILL." ( LAUGHTER )
SOME PEOPLE DON'T-- SOME PEOPLE DON'T SHARE--
>> I SAY "I LOVE YOU," ALL THE TIME.
>> Stephen: YOU DO SAY THAT. >> AND SO DO OUR KIDS.
>> Stephen: THEY DO. I TELL THE CHILDREN I LOVE THEM
AS WELL. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: "YOUR FATHER LOVES YOU," IS WHAT I SAY.
THAT'S HOW WARM I AM. "YOUR FATHER LOVES YOU.
NEVER FORGET THAT." WHAT ARE WE DOING FOR FATHER'S
DAY. >> Stephen: WHAT WOULD YOU
LIKE TO DO FOR FATHER'S DAY? >> Stephen: I WANT TO GO SEE A
DAD MOVIE. I WANT TO SEE THAT "TOP GUN
MAVERICK." >> LET'S DO THAT.
THEY SAY IT'S REALLY GOOD. >> Stephen: AND MAYBE A DOUBLE
FEATURE. THAT AND "MULTIVERSE OF
MADNESS." WHAT?
WHY THAT LOOK? >> THAT'S A THROT ASK OF ME?
BOTH OF THEM? >> Stephen: WELL, IT'S
FATHER'S DAY. WE HAVE THREE CHILDREN.
I WANT ONE MOVIE FOR EVERY CHILD.
>> OH, GOD. ( LAUGHTER )
ALREADY SEEN EMMA'S MOVIE. >> FANTASTIC.
>> Stephen: WHAT A PERFORMANCE.
>> FANTASTIC. >> Stephen: THIS ONE'S FOR THE
STEP-DADS IN THE HOUSE. IT SAYS, "YOU'RE MY FAVORITE
STEP-POP! I LOVE YOU STRAWBERRY MUCH."
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID: "YOU'RE MY FAVORITE STEP-POP!...
CUZ OUR REAL DAD BANANA SPLIT AND DESSERT-ED US."
( LAUGHTER ) SAD.
THAT'S JUST SAD. THE SADNESS YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW
IS WHY THEY DIDN'T SELL THIS ONE.
>> SLIGHTLY INAPPROPRIATE, NO? A LITTLE BIT.
>> Stephen: OKAY, SURE. >> I GUESS YOU JUST SAY DARK.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU GOTTEN ANYTHING FOR YOUR FATHER?
>> YES, YES. I SHOWED YOU, REMEMBER.
I CAN'T, HE MIGHT WATCH. >> Stephen: HE'LL LOVE THAT.
HE'LL LOVE THAT, YEAH. >> I WRAPPED IT AND LEFT HIM FOR
IT. >> Stephen: IS IT FULL OF GAS?
DID YOU ALREADY GAS IT UP? >> HE'S 93.
HE CAN'T DO-- HE CAN'T DRIVE THAT ANYMORE.
>> Stephen: NO MORE SNOWMOBILING?
>> NO MORE SNOWMOBILING, SPEAKING OF YOUR FATHER...
THIS ONE'S FOR A GRANDPARENT. IT SAYS, "GRANDPA, GUESS WHAT I
GOT YOU FOR FATHER'S DAY? HUGS, HUGS, AND MORE HUGS!"
>> OH, I LOVE THAT. >> Stephen: INCREDIBLE.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT READ: "GRANDPA, GUESS WHAT I GOT YOU
FOR FATHER'S DAY? A BOOK ON MICRO-AGGRESSIONS.
YOU HAVE GOT TO STOP ASKING WAITRESSES WHERE THEIR ACCENT IS
FROM." ( LAUGHTER )
DIFFERENT GENERATION. >> I THINK HE COULD USE BOTH OF
THOSE. THAT CHECKS OUT FOR SURE.
>> Stephen: FANTASTIC. FANTASTIC.
DO YOU WANT TO GO TO DINNER OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
>> YES, YES. >> Stephen: WHAT IF WE WENT
EARLY ON NOT FATHER'S DAY, FRIDAY OR SATURDAY.
>> SATURDAY, I THINK WEACTD GET TWO OUT OF THREE.
>> WE'LL DO THAT. >> Stephen: AND FACETIME THE
THIRD ONE, MAKE HER FEEL GUILTY. THIS ONE SAYS "DAD, TEACHER,
DRIVER, CHEF, COACH, E.M.T. TO US, YOU'RE EVERYTHING."
>> THAT'S A GOOD DAD-- TEACHER, DRIVER, COACH, E.M.T
>> Stephen: BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID "DAD: TEACHER, DRIVER,
CHEF, COACH, E.M.T. YOU'VE BEEN FIRED FROM SO MANY
JOBS THIS YEAR. GET IT TOGETHER."
( APPLAUSE ) WAIT, DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE
FATHER'S DAY SO FAR, SOMETHING WE'VE DONE ON FATHER'S DAY.
>> Stephen: ANY TIME THE KIDS-- THE HANDWRITTEN CARDS.
THAT'S AMAZING. THEY'RE ON MY BEDSIDE TABLE.
>> THEY WOULD HOP ON THE BED. >> Stephen: HOP ON AND EAT THE
BREAKFAST. AND THEY WOULD-- EAT THE
BREAKFAST BEFORE I COULD GET TO IT.
FANTASTIC. THEY'RE VERY LARGE NOW.
THEY'RE, LIKE, 6'2". WE NEED A BIGGER BED.
>> YOU'RE A LOVELY FATHER. >> Stephen: AM I?
>> YOU'RE A WONDERFUL FATHER. >> Stephen: THAT TOOK YOU
EIGHT MINUTES TO GET TO. ( APPLAUSE )
EVERYTHING. >> IT'S NOT!
>> Stephen: THANK YOU. HERE'S A GOLF-THEMED ONE.
IT SAYS... BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID,
"YOU'RE THE MOST TEE-RIFIC DAD...
BUT I'LL NEVER FORE-GET WALKING IN ON YOU AND MOM 'PLAYING THE
BACK 9.'" WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH EMMA
THOMPSON. EVIE COLBERT, EVERYBODY!
( APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
FOLKS, MY FIRST GUEST IS A TWO-TIME ACADEMY AWARD-WINNING
ACTRESS YOU KNOW FROM "LOVE ACTUALLY," "HOWARDS END," AND
"SENSE AND SENSIBILITY." SHE NOW STARS IN "GOOD LUCK TO
YOU, LEO GRANDE." >> CHEERS.
♪ ♪ ♪ SO I HAVE MADE A LIST OF THINGS
THAT I'D LIKE TO GET THROUGH. >> OH, THAT SOUNDS SEXY.
>> DON'T MOCK ME. I'M A TEACHER.
OLD HABITS DIE HARD. >> WHAT'S FIRST ON THE LIST?
( CLEARS THROAT ) NUMBER ONE, I PERFORM ORAL SEX
ON YOU. NUMBER TWO, YOU PERFORM ORAL SEX
ON ME. NUMBER THREE, WE DO A 69, IF
THAT'S WHAT IT'S STILL CALLED. I DON'T BE.
FOUR, ME ON TOP. FIVE, DOGGY STYLE.
>> THAT ALL SOUND VERY ACHIEVABLE.
>> OH, DOES IT? OH, GOOD, GOOD.
BECAUSE I HAVE NO FRAME OF REFERENCE.
I'VE TRIED LOOKING ON THE INTERNET, BUT IT'S ALARMING,
FRANKLY. IF YOU TYPE CLASSY PORN IN
GOOGLE, THERE ARE 12 WINDOWS. HAVE I BOOKED ENOUGH TIME?
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," EMMA
THOMPSON! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: GOOD! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YOU STILL GOT IT, KID.
>> IT'S SO NICE TO BE BACK! >> Stephen: LOVELY TO HAVE YOU
BACK. >> OH, MY GOODNESS!
ALL THESE YEARS WE'VE BEEN SEPARATED!
>> Stephen: YOU ARE A RAY OF SUNSHINE-- QUITE LITERALLY.
I LOVE YOUR OUTFIT. >> OR A LONG STREAK OF PISS.
THAT'S THE OTHER THING YOU COULD, UNFORTUNATELY.
>> Stephen: SURE. >> BUT IT WOULD BE GOOD QUALITY,
WOULDN'T IT? >> Stephen: YES.
>> I WANT TO BE IN VERY GOOD HEALTH.
I'M EXHAUSTED. >> Stephen: I WANT-- I WANT TO
GET STRAIGHT INTO TALKING ABOUT THIS MOVIE, "GOOD LUCK TO YOU,
LEO GRANDE," BECAUSE IT'S A BEAUTIFUL MOVIE AND SO UNIQUE.
IT'S REALLY FUNNY. IT'S INCREDIBLY-- IT'S
HEARTBREAKING AT TIMES. IT'S HOPEFUL IN MANY WAYS.
AND I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT.
I DON'T THINK ANYBODY ELSE HAS, EITHER.
FOR THE PEOPLE OUT THERE-- OBVIOUSLY, I SAW IT LAST NIGHT.
TELL THE FOLKS WHAT IT'S ABOUT IN WHERE YOU ARE OWN WORDS,
MADAM. >> IT'S ABOUT A RETIRED
RELIGIOUS EDUCATION TEACHER CALLED NANCY STOKES, WHO IS MY
AGE, EARLY 60s. ( LAUGHTER )
I AM. THAT'S MY AGE.
ANYWAY, AND IT'S HER'S, AND SHE HAS HAD A RUDIMENTARY SEX LIFE
UP UNTIL -- >> Stephen: SHE'S A WIDOW AT
THIS POINT. >> SHE'S A WIDOW, HAS BEEN
WIDOWED FOR TWO YEARS. AND SHE HAS TAKEN HER LIFE INTO
HER HANDS AND HIRED A VERY MUCH YOUNGER SEX WORKER, MALE SEX
WORKER, TO HELP HER SORT OF GO-- REDISCOVER SOMETHING THAT SHE'S
NEVER REALLY HAD. >> Stephen: YOU SEE SORT OF
THIS RELATIONSHIP, SUCH AS IT IS, DEVELOPING BETWEEN YOUR
CHARACTER AND THIS SEX WORKER, WHO IS PLAYED BY A WONDERFUL
YOUNG ACTOR. TELL ME HIS NAME AGAIN?
>> DARYL McCORMACK. HE WAS DISCOVERED REALLY, FOR
THIS. HE HADN'T DONE MUCH BEFORE.
BUT HE WAS JUST ABSOLUTELY PERFECT BECAUSE HE'S SO
THOUGHTFUL. AND THIS YOUNG MAN, LEO, IS A
FORM OF OF MAN THAT I HAVE NEVER SEEN ON SCREEN.
HE'S-- HE IS A-- WHAT HE DOES IS SEX WORK, BUT IT'S SORT OF LIKE
CARE WORK IN A WAY. HE UNDERSTANDS.
HE SAYS, "EVERYONE NEEDS SOMETHING DIFFERENT, AND IF WE
CAN DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT SOME PEOPLE CAN'T ACCESS SEXUAL
PLEASURE CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW MUCH LESS ( BLEEP ) THERE WILL
BE IN THE WORLD." HE TELLS HER A LOT, HE TEACHERS
A LOT-- BECAUSE SHE'S GOT A LOT OF ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT HIM AND
ABOUT IT ALL. AND SO SLOWLY, THEY PEEL AWAY
EACH OTHER'S... DEFENSES, ACTUALLY, AND THEN IN THE END,
THEY'RE EACH OTHER'S CLONES. BUT IT'S NOT ROMANTIC.
IT'S NOT A ROMANTIC STORY, AND THAT'S WHAT I THINK IS RADICAL
ABOUT IT. BECAUSE IT'S A REAL-- IT'S A
REALLY INTIMATE FILM, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THEY GET REALLY DEEP
INTO ONE ANOTHER THROUGH THE TALKING.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT WHEN WE COME
BACK, I WILL ASK EMMA WHERE SHE KEEPS HER OSCARS.
IT'S NOT WHERE YOU THINK. STICK AROUND.
( APPLAUSE ). WE'RE HERE WITH EMMA THOMPSON.
YOU'RE STILL HERE. >> I'M STILL HERE.
OKAY. >> Stephen: WE'RE HERE WITH
EMMA THOMPSON. WE WON'T LET HER LEAVE.
NO MATTER HOW MUCH SHE DASHES THROUGH THE DOOR
>> I'M COP FUSED. >> Stephen: EMMA, MOST OF THIS
TAKES PLACE IN ONE HOTEL ROOM OVER THE COURSE OF MANY NIGHTS
OR DAYS. AND YOU BECOME VERY VULNERABLE,
NOT ONLY WITH HIM, OBVIOUSLY, BUT WITH THE AUDIENCE.
YOU ARE FULLY NUDE IN THIS FILM, ESPECIALLY ONE MOMENT WHEN
YOU'RE IN FRONT OF A FULL-LENGTH MIRROR, FULLY NUDE.
AND I WANT TO KNOW, AS A PERFORMER, "A," HAD YOU DONE
THAT BEFORE ON CAMERA? AND WHAT WAS THAT LIKE FOR YOU?
WHAT WAS THAT CHOICE LIKE FOR YOU?
>> IT WAS REALLY, REALLY INTERESTING.
IT WAS UNEXPECTED BECAUSE I'M QUITE-- WE DON'T NEED-- I DON'T
REALLY THINK IT'S TERRIBLY IMPORTANT ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.
I MEAN, LOOK AT GERMANY. EVERYONE IS NUDE ALL THE TIME.
BUT THEY ARE. IT DOESN'T BOTHER THEM THERE.
THEY DO SORT OF MIXED SAUNAS AND ALL OF THAT.
I THINK WE'RE QUITE ODD ABOUT IT IN OUR COUNTRY.
MAYBE BECAUSE IT'S SO COLD AND WE SEW OURSELVES INTO PELTS FOR
MONTHS ON END SO NUDITY ISN'T A THING.
BUT SHE-- I WAS THINKING, HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS?
BECAUSE I CAN'T-- I DON'T KNOW WHETHER ANYONE IN THE AUDIENCE
CAN, BUT I CERTAINLY CAN'T STAND IN FRONT OF A MIRROR WITHOUT
TRYING TO IMPROVE THE WAY I LOOK, YOU KNOW, BY TUCKING
SOMETHING IN OR TURNING TO THE SIDE --
>> Stephen: I'LL ADJUST THE LIGHTING.
>> OR TURN THE LIGHTS OFF. THAT'S WHAT I GENERALLY DO--
JUST SWITCH THEM OFF. AND THEN YOU'RE SAFE.
YOU DON'T SUDDENLY CATCH SIGHT OF YOURSELF AND SAY, "WHAT WAS
THAT? OH, MY GOD!
THAT WAS--" ANYWAY, WE'RE NOT GOOD AT ACCEPTING OUR BODIES,
AND PARTICULARLY WOMEN WHOSE STATUS IS RELATED TO ICONOGRAPHY
AND IT'S ALL VERY BORING AND A WASTE OF OUR TIME AND LIFE'S
PURPOSE. SO NANCY HAS ADMITTEDLY-- SHE
HAS ALWAYS BEEN ASHAMED OF HER BODY SOMEHOW.
AND HE SAYS NO, IT'S FINE, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
BUT SLOWLY THROUGH THIS STRANGE INTIMACY, HE LEADS HER TOWARDS
THE KIND OF PLEASURE THAT SHE'S NEVER HAD BEFORE.
AND UNLOCKS HER RELATIONSHIP WITH HER BODY.
SO WHEN I STOOD THERE NAKED-- AND IT'S NOT LIKE, MADE
BEAUTIFUL BY LIGHTING OR-- IT'S NOT SORT OF-- IT'S LITERALLY
JUST PLAIN, A BODY STANDING THERE.
>> Stephen: BUT BEAUTIFUL IN THE WAY OF PERSON, BEAUTIFUL.
>> BEAUTIFUL IN THE WAY ANY HUMAN IS BEAUTIFUL AND
ACCEPTABLE. AND I THOUGHT, HOW DOES SHE LOOK
AT HERSELF? BECAUSE I DON'T-- I DON'T WANT
HER TO LOOK AT HERSELF AS THOUGH SHE'S SUDDENLY GOING, "MY GOD,
I'M GORGEOUS." THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
BUT SHE LOOKS AT HERSELF WITH A NEUTRAL GAZE-- THAT IS TO SAY, A
GAZE THAT IS ACCEPTING OF HER BODY BECAUSE SHE'S SEEING IT AS
IT WERE FOR OTHER FIRST TIME. IT'S KIND OF A REBIRTH.
AND I WENT TO LOOK AT ALL THE PICTURES OF EVE IN THE MEDIEVAL
PAINTINGS, AND THOSE PAINTINGS, BEFORE THE FALL, BEFORE THE
APPLE, WHEN THEY WENT, "OH, MY GOD, I'M NUDE!"
IF ONLY FRUIT COULD WIELD THAT KIND OF POWER POW.
( LAUGHTER ) ALWAYS STANDING VERY RELAXED
WITH ONE KNEE SLIGHTLY BENT. AND SO I THOUGHT I'M GOING TO
STAND LIKE THAT. I'M GOING TO TRY IT.
AND BECAUSE I WAS PLAYING SOMEONE, I WASN'T BEING ME, I
COULD DO IT. >> Stephen: YEAH.
>> BUT IT-- IT DID MAKE ME AFTERWARDS, WHEN WE FINISHED
MAKING THE MOVIE, I THOUGHT, "GOD THAT WAS AN AMAZING
EXPERIENCE." AND THEN I THOUGHT, "HANG ON A
MINUTE. IT'S A MOVIE.
THAT MEANS TO SAY PEOPLE ARE GOING TO GO AND SEE IT."
I MEAN, YOU KNOW QUITE A LOT OF PEOPLE, PROBABLY, ALL TOGETHER.
WHAT HAVE I DONE? AND THEN I REALIZED THAT I HAD
TAKEN A SORT OF LEAP OF FAITH, AND I'D PLACED MY FAITH IN THE
AUDIENCE, YOU KNOW. AND THAT IS TO SAY, I HAD BEEN
VULNERABLE, AS NANCY, FOR THEM, FOR YOU.
AND THAT WAS REALLY WORTH IT. THAT WAS REALLY WORTH THE CANDLE
AND WORTH THE... WELL, THE KIND OF...
THE COURAGE, REALLY, IT TOOK TO DO.
BECAUSE IT IS QUITE HARD. BUT YOU-- YOU WERE JUST TELLING
ME THAT YOU HAVE BEEN ON STAGE NAKED.
>> Stephen: LIVE ON STAGE. >> LIVE.
>> Stephen: I'VE DONE TELEVISION AND STUFF LIKE THAT,
I HAVE DONE THE THING WITH THE LITTLE SOCK, THE MODESTY SOCK.
BUT I'VE BEEN BUCK NAKED ON STAGE LIVE IN FRONT OF AN
AUDIENCE BEFORE. THAT'S CHALLENGING.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: DID IT CHANGE-- I
MEAN, I'D LOVE TO TALK ABOUT ME NAKED, BUT DID IT CHANGE HOW YOU
FEEL NOW ABOUT YOUR BODY? >> I-- I THINK THAT I STARTED
HATING MY BODY WHEN I WAS ABOUT 14.
AND I THINK THOSE NEURAL PATHWAYS ARE KIND OF WELL, WELL,
YOU KNOW, WELL KIND OF CARVED IN TO MY SOUL.
AND I KNOW WE LAUGH, BUT YOU THINK OF ALL THOSE
EIGHT-YEAR-OLDS OUT THERE GOING, "I DON'T LIKE MY THYSELF."
>> Stephen: WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO THE 14-YEAR-OLD?
>> DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME. DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME'S PURPOSE
WORRYING ABOUT YOUR BODY. THIS IS YOUR VESSEL.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE. IT'S WHERE YOU LIVE.
THERE'S NO POINT IN JUDGING IT. ABSOLUTELY NO POINT.
BUT IT'S VERY HARD TO DO. ( APPLAUSE )
NOTNO POINT. >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO GO HERE
IN JUST A MOMENT, BELIEVE IT OR NOT.
BUT I WANTED TO ASK YOU A QUESTION BEFORE YOU GO TO CLEAR
UP A RUMOR FOR ME. IS THAT I HAVE HEARD STORIES
FROM OTHER PEOPLE THAT YOU KEEP YOUR OSCARS IN AN INTERESTING
LOCATION. AND I WANT TO KNOW IF THIS IS
TRUE. >> HMMM...
>> Stephen: DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?
>> THEY'RE IN THE LOO. DOWNSTAIRS LOO.
>> Stephen: YOU KEEP YOUR OSCARS IN THE TOILET.
WHY IS THIS? >> WELL, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THEY
WOULD LOOK RIDICULOUS ANYWHERE ELSE.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW --
>> Stephen: I BUILT A ROOM JUST FOR MY EMMYS.
>> YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT LOADS. YOU NEED A ROOM FOR YOUR EMMYS.
>> Stephen: SURE. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE. >> SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.
>> Stephen: "GOOD LUCK TO YOU, LEO GRANDE" IS AVAILABLE ON HULU
ON FRIDAY. EMMA THOMPSON, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN TOM SEGURA.
( APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK.
FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST TONIGHT IS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN YOU KNOW
FROM HIS NETFLIX SPECIALS AND COMEDY PODCASTS.
HE HAS JUST WRITTEN A NEW BOOK, "I'D LIKE TO PLAY ALONE,
PLEASE." PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE
SHOW," TOM SEGURA! ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HOW YOU DOING?
>> I'M DOING WELL. NICE TO SEE YOU.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS FOR A FEW YEARS.
YOU WERE HERE THREE, FOUR YEARS AGO, SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: I TRULY ENJOYED
IT, AND I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO COME BACK.
>> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: NOW YOU'VE GOT THE
BOOK RIGHT HERE. "I'D LIKE TO PLAY ALONE,
PLEASE." THERE YOU GO.
FIRST OF ALL,-- AND THIS IS NOT ON-- THIS IS NOT A QUESTION ON
ANY OF THE CARDS. YOU CAN CHECK.
YOU LOOK HEALTHY. >> THANKS!
THANKS! >> Stephen: IS THAT A PLAN?
>> YEAH, I'M TRYING TO BE LESS FAT.
( LAUGHTER ). SO YOUR FIRST NETFLIX SPECIAL--
I'VE SEEN ALL OF THEM NOW. >> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: I'M KIND OF OBSESSED WITH YOUR WORK.
YOUR FIRST NETFLIX SPECIAL AIRED IN 2014 WHEN NETFLIX WASN'T THE
BIG COMEDY DEAL IT IS NOW. WERE YOU EXCITED TO GET IT?
>> NO. THAT-- LIKE, THE MOUNTAINTOP
THEN IF YOU WERE A WORKING ROAD GUY LIKE ME WAS COMEDY CENTRAL.
THAT WAS-- THAT WAS-- THAT'S WHERE YOU WANTED TO BE, YOU
KNOW. AND, LIKE, YEAH, OBVIOUSLY, I
THINK IT WORKED OUT FOR YOU THERE.
BUT-- SO WE SHOT IT AND WE SENT IT TO THEM.
AND I WAS JUST LIKE, "PLEASE SY YES."
I HAD DONE OTHER THINGS ON THE NETWORK.
AND THEY PASSED. THEY SAID NO.
I GOT THE CALL. THEY SAID THERE'S NO THEME TO
THE HOUR. AND I WAS LIKE, THE THEME IS
JOKES. LIKE, THAT'S-- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THE THEME?
I'M NOT TRYING TO GET MY DOCTORATE.
THIS IS JUST AN HOUR SPECIAL. ( LAUGHTER )
PULLED OVER IN L.A., AND MY MANAGER GOES, "BUT YOU KNOW WHO
WANTS TO ACQUIRE IT?" THIS IS 2013, THE YEAR BEFORE IT
AIRS. "NETFLIX."
AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, REALLY?" AND HE WAS LIKE, "YEAH."
LIKE TO MAIL THE DVDs IN? BECAUSE THAT'S YOU WERE --
>> Stephen: RIGHT, YEAH. >> HE WAS LIKE, "YEAH, BUT
THEY'RE GETTING INTO STREAMING." I'M LIKE THAT'S NOT GOING TO
WORK, DUDE. IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK.
HE WAS LIKE, WELL, THEY'RE THE ONLY ONES WHO SAID YES."
AND I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT." AND IT WAS JUST KIND OF LIKE-- I
JUST KIND OF-- I HONESTLY FORGOT ABOUT IT.
AND THEN IT AIRED. I DIDN'T THINK MUCH OF IT.
AND, LIKE, THREE MONTHS LATER, WE'RE SELLING SOME TICKETS, AND
THEN BY SIX MONTHS LATER, WE'RE JUST SELLING OUT SHOWS, ADDING
SHOWS. IT ALL TOOK OFF FROM THAT.
.>> Stephen: NOW, I UNDERSTAND THERE'S A WARDROBE PERK FOR
NETFLIX. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME THIS PROP I HAVE BACK HERE.
>> OKAY, SO, WITH EACH SPECIAL YOU'RE LIKE, "YOU SHOULD ASK FOR
MORE." WITH THE LAST ONE, THE FOURTH
ONE, I WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW, I SHOULD TRY TO LIKE I DON'T KNOW,
TRY TO LOOK-- LOOK GOOD. SO I-- I CALLED-- I HIRED A
STYLIST, SETH CHERNOFF-- SORRY I DIDN'T CALL YOU ABOUT TODAY.
I PUT THIS TOGETHER. BUT I CALLED HIM AND HE CAME
OVER WITH ALL THESE LIKE COOL JACKETS BECAUSE I WANTED TO WEAR
A JACKET IN THE SPECIAL. HE HAS ALL THESE JACKETS.
SOME WERE-- AND I PUT ON THIS ONE AND I'M LIKE, "MAN, THIS IS
AWESOME. THIS FEELS LIKE A GLOVE."
HE SAID, "YEAH, IT'S $5,000." AND I GO, "I'M NOT-- I'M NOT
BUYING THAT, DUDE." HE'S LIKE, "DO YOU THINK NETFLIX
WOULD BUY IT?" AND I'M LIKE, "MAYBE."
ALSO, IT'S OLIVE AND WE WANT IT TO BE BLUE, RIGHT.
SO WE CALL NETFLIX, AND THEY'RE LIKE, OKAY.
THEY SIGN OFF ON IT. I'M LIKE REALLY.
AND THEY'RE LIKE, YEAH, I GUESS. WHY DO YOU NEED IT?
I'M LIKE, "BECAUSE IT FITS NICE SM GLCHMENT BECAUSE IT'S FUNNY.
>> YEAH, IT'S FUNNY. I'M LIKE NOW WE NEED IT TO BE
BLUE. SO HE CALLS THE PEOPLE THAT MADE
IT IN ITALY, HE CALLS THEM, AND HE'S LIKE, "CAN YOU MAKE THIS IN
BLUE?" AND THEY'RE LIKE, "IT WILL TAKE
FOUR MONTHS." AND HE SAID, "WE HAVE TWO
WEEKS." WE HAVE AN OLIVE JACKET WE
PURCHASED FOR $5,000 BUT WE NEED IT TO BE BLUE.
HE'S LIKE I KNOW THE BEST DYE PERSON IN L.A. AND THEY'LL DO AN
AMAZING JOB. THEY'RE BYE THE LEATHER.
THEY DYE IT BLUE. IT LOOKS GREAT.
AND, LIKE, A WEEK BEFORE THIS-- I'M SUPPOSED TO TAPE.
I'M LIKE, "I DON'T WANT TO WEAR IT."
AND HE'S LIKE, "WHY?" I SAID, "I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE
THE LEATHER GUY, LIKE OH! I FEEL LIKE IT'S A CHARACTER.
I WEAR LEATHER." I START TO FEEL WEIRD ABOUT IT.
I SAID I'M NOT WEARING IT. HE SAID WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO
WEAR? AND I SAID I HAVE A JACKET IN MY
CLOSET. AND NETFLIX IS LIKE, "WHAT ABOUT
THE 5 G'S WE DROP?" I HAVE NEVER WORN IT.
>> Stephen: YOU BROUGHT IT. >> I DID.
>> Stephen: THAT IS A REALLY BEAUTIFUL-- MAY I TRY IT ON?
>> I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO TRY IT ON.
PLEASE. >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW IF
WE'RE THE SAME SIZE. YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
>> Stephen: NOT REALLY, NOT REALLY.
OKAY, HERE WE GO. >> OH, DUDE.
>> Stephen: OH, MAN! ( APPLAUSE )
>> I THINK I WORE IT ONCE.
IT WAS DURING THE PANDEMIC. >> Stephen: THIS IS REALLY
NICE, MAN. >> YOU LIKE IT.
>> Stephen: YEAH. >> YOU WANT IT?
>> Stephen: 50 BUCKS. >> ALL RIGHT.
>> THAT LOOKS GOOD ON YOU. >> Stephen: IT REALLY DOES
LOOK GOOD ON ME. I CAN SEE, THIS JIM?
OH, WOW. ( APPLAUSE )
WOW. >> THAT LOOKS GOOD.
>> Stephen: I RARELY GET WARDROBE OUT OF THESE.
OKAY, LET'S JUST KEEP THIS ON FOR A SECOND, KEEP MOVING HERE.
>> YEAH, YEAH. >> Stephen: FATHER'S DAY,.
>> YES. >> Stephen: FATHER'S DAY IS
COMING UP THIS SUNDAY. YOU HAVE--
>> TWO BOS. >> Stephen: DOS.
>> DOS, YES, YES. >> Stephen: HOW OLD ARE THEY.
>> Stephen: DO YOU MIND IF I ASK?
>> SIX AND THREE. >> Stephen: SIX AND THREE,
FANTASTIC AGE. >> THEY'RE REALLY CUTE.
>> Stephen: SIX IS JUST ABOUT PERFECT AND THREE WILL GET
THERE. FATHER'S DAY ARE YOU LOOKING
FORWARD TO THAT? >> WE'LL SEE.
I DON'T KNOW. >> Stephen: DO YOU GET
ANYTHING? DOES YOUR WIFE, LIKE, BREAKFAST
IN BED? >> SOMETIMES.
THAT STUFF HAPPENS. AND THEY'LL GET ME SOMETHING
THAT I WAS LIKE, "HERE, I JUST BOUGHT THIS.
I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU, NOW YOU GIVE IT TO ME," LIKE THAT KIND
OF THING. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: BEING A DAD IS WONDERFUL.
>> IT'S THE BEST! >> Stephen: IT'S DIFFICULT.
IT'S A CHALLENGE. >> A LOT OF WORK.
>> Stephen: A CHALLENGE AT ALL TIMES BUT BEAUTIFUL EVEN WHEN
IT'S HARD. >> YES, YES.
THE THREE-YEAR-OLD IS ON THIS THING NOW WHERE HE REFUSES TO GO
BY HIS NAME. HIS NAME IS JULIAN AND EVERY DAY
HE INSISTS ON YOU CALLING HIM "SIR."
SO... ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S NOT LIKE A BIT FOR, LIKE, THE AFTER.
IT'S LIKE "GOOD MORNING, JULIAN."
AND IT'S "YOU CALL ME SIR." AND I HAVE TO BE, SIR, WILL YOU
PLEASE EAT, SIR? WILL YOU GO TO BED, SIR?"
IF YOU DON'T CALL HIM "SIR," IT'S A HUGE TANTRUM.
SO WE'VE JUST GIVEN IN TO "SIR." >> Stephen: IS HIS OLDER
BROTHER PLAYING THAT GAME? >> OH, YEAH.
HIS OLDER BROTHER IS LIKE, "SIR IS IN THE BATH RIGHT NOW."
( LAUGHTER ) HIS NAME ONE DAY.
AND THEN-- AND THE SIX-YEAR-OLD-- MAN, HE'S
REFUSING TO WIPE HIS ASS. LIKE, REFUSING, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A LITTLE OLD.
>> I'M LIKE BRO. HE'S LIKE, "I POOPED."
AND I'M LIKE, "BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE SECOND PART NOW."
I GO IN THERE AND I'M LIKE YOU REALLY HAVE TO GET-- YOU HAVE TO
WIPE YOURSELF." AND HE SAYS, "I WANT TO WAIT
UNTIL I'M TALLER." AND I'M LIKE--
( LAUGHTER ) BE?"
AND HE GOES, "18." ( LAUGHTER ).
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO THAT UNTIL HE'S 18.
>> NO! 16, I'M NOT GIVING HIMAISE CAR
IF HE'S NOT WIPING HIS ASS. IT'S A DEAL, MAN.
>> Stephen: WELL, TOM SEGURA, LOVELY TO HAVE YOU BACK.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME. >> Stephen: I REALLY
APPRECIATE YOU STOPPING BY. ( APPLAUSE )
PLEASE." IT'S TOM SEGURA, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. ♪ ♪ ♪
THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE TOM HANKS.
STICK AROUND FOR JAMES CORDEN. HE'S GOT BILL CLINTON.
GOOD NIGHT. ♪ ♪ ♪