THE JANUARY 6TH COMITTEE IS EXPECTED TO FOCUS ON FORMER
PRESIDENT TRUMP'S ROLE IN THE SCHEME TO SUBMIT FAKE SLATES OF
ELECTORS IN THE 2020 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
>> THE IMPORTANT PART OF THIS PLAN, RIGHT, WAS TO USE THESE
FAKE ELECTORS. >> FAKE SLATES OF ELECTORS.
>> EASTMAN WAS, OF COURSE, THE AUTHOR OF THAT NOW-INFAMOUS COUP
MEMO TO OVERTURN THE RESULTS OF THE ELECTION USING A FAKE SLATE
OF ELECTORS. >> HI, ARE YOU A LAWYER TRYING
TO SWING A LOSING ELECTION IN YOUR FAVOR BY ASSEMBLING A TEAM
OF FAKE ELECTORS? THEN COME IN TO FAST EARL'S FAKE
ELECTOR DEPOT, WHERE WE SELL ONLY THE FINEST IN BLOW-UP
ELECTORS. HERE'S HOW THEY WORK.
SIMPLY SHOW UP WHERE THE CONTEST IS BEING DECIDED, PLUG IT IN,
AND HAVE A DO YOU BIDDING. LOOK HOW EXCITED HE IS.
HE WOULDN'T BE DANCING IF YOU LOST.
PERFECT FOR ANY COMPETITION YOU FAIL TO WIN, FROM THE LOCAL
SCIENCE FAIR TO THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
AND IN THE VERY GOOD CHANCE YOU GO TO JAIL FOR ELECTION FRAUD,
THEN PICK UP ONE OF OUR DELUXE PRISON INFLATE MATES.
HE'LL GET YOU OFF. BUT NOT FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: AND RESCUE DOG RESCUE WITH EMMA
THOMPSON. PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES:
WERNER HERZOG AND MUSICAL GUEST ROGER WATERS
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). IT.
>> Stephen: HAPPY TUESDAY. HAPPY TUESDAY.
HAPPY TUESDAY.
HEY, EVERYBODY! >> Audience: STEPHEN!
STEPHEN! STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: HAPPY TUESDAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
WELCOME, THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANKS, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. AND I HAVE TO SAY--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FRAME OF MIND,
BECAUSE IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF SUMMER, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT
MEANS-- HELL YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS:
TIME TO SLIP ON THE SPEEDO AND DIVE HEADFIRST INTO THE JANUARY
6th HEARINGS. BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON, THE
COMMITTEE HELD THE FOURTH INSTALLMENT IN A GREAT SUMMER
BEACH READ I'M CALLING "SCARY PLOTTER AND THE GOBLET OF
LIARS." ( LAUGHTER )
LONGEST DAY OF THE YEAR, AND I'M SURE IT FELT LIKE IT FOR THE
FORMER PRESIDENT DUMB QUIXOTE, BECAUSE TODAY, THE COMMITTEE
LAID OUT IN SHOCKING DETAIL HOW HIS RELENTLESS AND ILLEGAL
SCHEME TO OVERTURN THE ELECTION BROUGHT HARROWING CONSEQUENCES
FOR THOSE HONEST PUBLIC SERVANTS WHO STOOD UP TO THE PRESSURE TO
SUPPORT HIS HEINOUS LIES. IN HER OPENING STATEMENT,
COMMITTEE VICE CHAIR LIZ CHENEY HAD A WARNING FOR OUR NATION.
>> I WOULD URGE ALL OF THOSE WATCHING TODAY TO FOCUS ON THE
EVIDENCE THE COMMITTEE WILL PRESENT.
DON'T BE DISTRACTED BY POLITICS. THIS IS SERIOUS.
WE CANNOT LET AMERICA BECOME A NATION OF CONSPIRACY THEORIES
AND THUG VIOLENCE. >> Stephen: IT'S TRUE, BECAUSE
IF WE DO, THE REPTILIANS WHO RUN THE NEW WORLD ORDER WILL STEAL
OUR SPINES TO USE AS RADIO TOWERS TO BROADCAST OUR LOCATION
TO BILL GATES! ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, FIRST UP, WE HEARD TESTIMONY FROM ARIZONA SPEAKER
OF THE HOUSE AND WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU LEAVE YOUR BOWERS OUT IN THE
RAIN-- ( LAUGHTER )
BOWERS, LIFE-LONG REPUBLICAN, TESTIFIED THAT HE FACED MASSIVE
PRESSURE FROM RUDY GIULIANI AND OTHER LACKEYS, DEMANDING THAT HE
FLIP THE STATE WHICH HE KNEW HAD NO RIGHT TO DO.
AND HERE'S WHY THEY THOUGHT BOWERS SHOULD COOPERATE.
>> HE WOULD SAY, "AREN'T WE ALL REPUBLICANS HERE?
I WOULD THINK WE WOULD GET A BETTER RECEPTION.
I MEAN, I WOULD THINK YOU WOULD LISTEN A LITTLE MORE OPEN TO MY
SUGGESTION THAT WE ARE ALL REPUBLICANS."
>> Stephen: OKAY, OVERTURNING AN ELECTION IS ASKING FOR SOME
SERIOUS BRAND LOYALTY: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WON'T BURN
DOWN MY HOUSE FOR THE INSURANCE MONEY?
WE BOTH DRINK DIET PEPSI!" ( LAUGHTER )
I DON'T KNOW. WE'LL FIND OUT.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT AND THE FORMER RUDY GIULIANI PROMISED
BOWERS THAT THEY WOULD EVENTUALLY GET HIM PROOF OF THIS
SUPPOSED VOTER FRAUD THEY KEPT TALKING ABOUT, BUT THEY NEVER
DID. THEN BOWERS GAVE THIS REVEALING
QUOTE FROM RUDY: >> MY RECOLLECTION, HE SAID,
"WE'VE GOT LOTS OF THEORIES. WE JUST DON'T HAVE THE
EVIDENCE." AND I DON'T KNOW IF THAT WAS A
GAFFE, OR MAYBE HE DIDN'T THINK THROUGH WHAT HE SAID, BUT BOTH
MYSELF AND OTHERS IN MY GROUP, THE THREE IN MY GROUP AND MY
COUNSEL, BOTH REMEMBERED THAT SPECIFICALLY AND AFTERWARDS, WE
KIND OF LAUGHED ABOUT IT. ( LAUGHTER )
LAUGH. RUDY'S GOT A GREAT SENSE OF
HUMOR! ( AS RUDY )
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA!" ( LAUGHTER )
"WHAT WAS I SAYING? WHAT WAS I...?
( APPLAUSE ) HIM SOME REAL SOUL SEARCHING,
AND TODAY, HE READ AN EMOTIONAL JOURNAL ENTRY FROM THE TIME.
>> I DO NOT TAKE THIS CURRENT SITUATION IN A LIGHT MANNER, A
FEARFUL MANNER, OR A VENGEFUL MANNER.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE A WINNER BY CHEATING.
I WILL NOT PLAY WITH LAWS I SWORE ALLEGIANCE TO WITH ANY
CONTRIVED DESIRE TOWARDS DEFLECTION OF MY DEEP
FOUNDATIONAL DESIRE TO FOLLOW GOD'S WILL, AS I BELIEVE HE LED
MY CONSCIENCE TO EMBRACE. >> Stephen: WOW.
IN A MOMENT OF DARKNESS, DRAWING STRENGTH FROM A DEEP WELL OF
CONSCIENCE, AND FORTITUDE, AND FAITH.
THAT IS BEAUTIFUL. AND INSPIRED BY THAT, I WROTE A
PRETTY GOOD ONE TODAY TOO: "DEAR DIARY, TODAY WAS THE
HEARINGS. THEY MADE ME SAD, SO I ATE A
SNACK. IT WAS PEANUT BUTTER ON A DONUT.
PRETTY GOOD! STILL SAD, THOUGH.
LOVE, STEVE" ( LAUGHTER )
♪ ♪ ♪ NEVER TRIED THAT.
NEVER TRIED THAT BEFORE. THEN WE GOT TO HEAR FROM GEORGIA
SECRETARY OF STATE AND MAN BEING HELD HOSTAGE BY TWO FLAGS, BRAD
RAFFENSPERGER. YOU MAY RECALL THAT ON
JANUARY 2, 2021, THE FORMER PRESIDENT HELD AN HOUR-LONG CALL
WITH RAFFENSPERGER, WHERE HE BLUNTLY REQUESTED SOME ELECTION
SKULLDUGGERY. >> SO WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO
HERE, FOLKS? I ONLY NEED 11,000 VOTES.
FELLAS, I NEED 11,000 VOTES. GIVE ME A BREAK.
>> Stephen: THAT IS JUST PATHETIC.
HE'S LITERALLY BEGGING THEM TO INVENT VOTES FOR HIM.
IT'S LIKE WATCHING AN OLD MAN TRY TO MOOCH AN EXTRA PANCAKE AT
DENNY'S: "WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE, FOLKS.
I ONLY NEED ONE MORE PANCAKE, FELLAS.
JUST FLAP THAT JACK ON THERE. GIVE ME A BREAK.
AND THE STATE OF GEORGIA."
THE COMMITTEE-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FRAUDULENT. I KNOW THAT'S I-HOP.
MOON'S OVER MIAMI. THE COMMITTEE-- MAN'S EATING AT
A DENNY'S RIGHT THERE. THE COMMITTEE ALSO HAD TEXT
MESSAGES TO ONE OF MIKE PENCE'S AIDES, SENT FROM AN AIDE TO
SENATOR RON JOHNSON. THE DETAILS WERE ABOUT JOHNSON
TRYING TO GET A LIST OF FAKE ALTERNATE ELECTORS INTO PENCE'S
HANDS, BUT WHAT JUMPED OUT TO ME WHEN I SAW IT THIS AFTERNOON,
WAS THAT THE TREASONOUS TEXT MESSAGES START SIMPLY WITH,
"SUP?" ( LAUGHTER )
DEMOCRACY. "SUP?
"O.M.G., LET'S TOTES SEAT ALTERN-8 ELECTORS FOR THE LOLZ!"
NOW ONE OF THE-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ONE OF THE MOST HEARTBREAKING WITNESSES OF THE DAY WAS GEORGIA
ELECTION WORKER WANDREA SHAYE MOSS, WHO WAS HATEFULLY AND
UNFAIRLY ATTACKED BY THE FORMER PRESIDENT AND HIS GOONS.
IN A WEB VIDEO, GIULIANI ACCUSED MOSS AND HER MOTHER OF A
VARIETY OF FALSEHOODS. AND, OF COURSE, THERE WAS A
NORMAL, SOBER EXPLANATION. >> IN ONE OF THE VIDEOS WE
JUST WATCHED, MR. GIULIANI ACCUSED YOU AND YOUR MOTHER
OF PASSING SOME SORT OF U.S.B. DRIVE TO EACH OTHER.
WHAT WAS YOUR MOM ACTUALLY HANDING YOU ON THAT VIDEO?
>> A GINGER MINT. ( LAUGHTER )
WHY RUDY NEVER PRODUCED ANY EVIDENCE.
HE KEPT JAMMING ALTOIDS INTO HIS U.S.B. PORT.
( AS RUDY ) HAND ME A RICOLA!"
"DAMN YOU, SWISS!" THE COMMITTEE--
( APPLAUSE ) TRULY MOVING FOOTAGE OF MOSS'S
MOTHER, WHO GOES BY THE NAME "LADY RUBY," EXPLAINING WHAT IT
WAS LIKE AS AN EVERYDAY CITIZEN BEING ATTACKED BY THE MOST
POWERFUL PERSON IN THE WORLD. >> DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO
HAVE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES TO TARGET YOU?
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT
EVERY AMERICAN, NOT TO TARGET ONE.
BUT HE TARGETED ME, LADY RUBY. >> Stephen: OH, NO.
NOW I'M MAD. DON'T YOU DARE TARGET HER!
FROM THIS MOMENT FORWARD, AMERICA IS GOING TO HAVE TO
CHOOSE: LADY RUBY OR SHADY RUDY. NOT EVERYONE'S--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NO!
SHE'S ROYALTY, I THINK. NOT EVERYONE'S FOCUSED ON 2020.
THE MIDTERMS ARE COMING UP, AND THERE'S A WHOLE NEW ELECTION TO
UNDERMINE, COMPLETE WITH PLENTY OF KOOKY, FAR-RIGHT CANDIDATES
LIKE FORMER MISSOURI GOVERNOR AND MAN AT THE HARDWARE STORE
ASKING IF THIS TARP IS BLOOD-PROOF, ERIC GREITENS.
GREITENS WAS ELECTED GOVERNOR OF MISSOURI BACK IN 2016 BUT
RESIGNED IN DISGRACE A YEAR INTO HIS TERM AFTER REPORTS OF
AN AFFAIR WITH A FORMER HAIRDRESSER WHO ACCUSED HIM OF
ABUSE AND BLACKMAIL. SO, NOT THE KIND OF GUY YOU'D
TRUST WITH A MATCH, LET ALONE A FIREARM.
KEEP THAT IN MIND WHEN YOU WATCH HIS NEW SENATE CAMPAIGN AD,
WHERE HE ATTACKS SO-CALLED "RINOS," OR "REPUBLICANS IN NAME
ONLY." >> I'M ERIC GREITENS, NAVY SEAL,
AND TODAY WE'RE GOING RINO HUNTING.
THE RINO FEEDS ON CORRUPTION AND IS MARKED BY THE STRIPES OF
COWARDICE. JOIN THE MAGA CREW.
GET A RINO HUNTING PERMIT. THERE'S NO BAGGING LIMIT, NO
TAGGING LIMIT, AND IT DOESN'T EXPIRE UNTIL WE SAVE OUR
COUNTRY. >> Stephen: OKAY.
YEAH. >> Audience: BOO!
>> Stephen: YEAH, THERE'S A LOT GOING ON THERE.
FIRST OF ALL, IT'S RARE TO CALL FOR THE DEATH OF MEMBERS OF YOUR
OWN PARTY. I'VE ONLY SEEN IT ONCE
BEFORE: "BLOOMBERG 2020: I HEAR BERNIE
SANDERS IS ALLERGIC TO PEANUTS." ( LAUGHTER )
AND I-- I'VE GOT TO SAY, THAT IS DISTURBING.
AND I'VE GOT TWO QUESTION ABOUT THAT AD: ONE IS, WHAT THE HELL?
AND TWO: WHAT ARE THEY ACTUALLY BREAKING INTO, AN EMPTY HOUSE?
THERE'S NO FURNITURE IN THERE. WHY?
WAIT, I'M BEING TOLD "THE LATE SHOW" HAS ACTUALLY ACQUIRED THE
ORIGINAL CUT OF THE AD:
>> JOIN THE MAGA CREW. >> WHOA, WHOA!
I'M ROARKEING HERE! YOU'RE GETTING DUST ALL OVER MY
FREAKIN' SEMI-GLOSS, RAMBRO!
OPEN HOUSE ISN"T TIL SATURDAY! TELL SEAL TEAM SUCK IT TO STAY
OFF MY HARDWOOD FLOORS, OKAY? YOU'RE PAYING FOR THAT DOOR!
YOU'RE PAYING FOR THE DOOR, DOUCHE CASSIDY!
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS WERNER HERZOG. AND WHEN WE RETURN, I'LL BE
HOLDING PUPPIES WITH EMMA THOMPSON.
AND "MEANWHILE." IT'S A LOT OF SHOW.
( APPLAUSE ) GENTLEMEN, IT'S LOUIS CATO AND
OUR FRIENDS STAY HUMAN, RIGHT OVER THERE
♪ MOVE ON UP. MOVE ON UP!
♪ UP, UP ♪ >> Stephen: LOUIS, HELLO,
LOUIS, MY FRIEND. HAPPY-- HAPPY FIRST DAY OF
SUMMER. HAPPY FIRST DAY OF SUMMER, MY
FRIEND. BUT RIGHT NOW, FOLKS, YOU KNOW,
IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT
OVER THERE, CAREFULLY SELECTING AND PAIRING THE DAY'S BIGGEST
STORIES WITH THE NEWSIEST TAKES TO BREED FOR YOU THE GLORIOUS
AND MAJESTIC WESTMINSTER DOG SHOW-WINNING TIBETAN MASTIFF
THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS,
I STEAL SOME DISCARDED 7-11 HOTDOGS TO LURE STRAYS INTO MY
SHIPPING CONTAINER LABORATORY AND WATCH THEM DO IT UNTIL THEY
WHELP THE RABID ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU MANGE-BEAST OF NEWS
THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE"!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S A LIFE RAFT.
IT'S AN ICE FLOW. DRY LAND.
SAFE HARBOR. MEANWHILE, A NASA ROVER SIGHTING
HAS REIGNITED FEARS ABOUT HUMAN SPACE DEBRIS.
"HUMAN SPACE DEBRIS," BY THE WAY, ALSO THE NAME OF MY SYNTH
POP DAD BAND. NASA'S "PERSEVERANCE" ROVER
LANDED ON MARS IN 2021 AND HAS CAPTURED THIS PHOTO OF A PIECE
OF THE THERMAL BLANKET FROM ITS LANDER, AS WELL AS THE SITE OF
ITS LANDING CRAFT LEFT STREWN ON THE SURFACE OF MARS.
OKAY, IT'S NOT GREAT THAT WE'RE LITTERING ON OTHER PLANETS BUT,
WHAT IS THIS DEMENTED RELATIONSHIP WHERE NASA FORCES
"PERSEVERANCE" TO TAKE PICTURES OF IT'S OWN GARBAGE?
"LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID!
NOW, YOU CLEAN YOUR LANDING SITE, OR YOU'RE NEVER COMING
HOME, MISTER! WHICH REMINDS ME, YOU ARE NEVER
COMING HOME." ( LAUGHTER )
MEAN-- REALLY? REALLY?
WOW. YOU NEVER KNOW.
MEANWHILE, THERE'S NEWS ABOUT SOCCER: THE METRIC SYSTEM OF
SPORTS. EVERYONE KNOWS I LOVE ME SOME
KICKY-KICKY-FLOP-FLOP, WHICH IS WHY I'M PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THAT
FIFA HAS SELECTED 16 NORTH AMERICAN CITIES TO HOST THE 2026
MEN'S WORLD CUP. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S EXCITING. THAT'S SUPER EXCITING.
I KNOW IT IS TO YOU. AND IT'S REALLY HARD FOR FIFA TO
CHOOSE THOSE CITIES, BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO DO IT WITH
THEIR FEET. ( LAUGHTER )
REVEALED ITS NEW MASCOT AND HERE IT IS: MURPH THE NERF.
APPARENTLY, MURPH WAS CREATED BY LETTING CHEWBACCA DO IT WITH A
KOOSH BALL. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, A 103-YEAR-OLD WOMAN HAS BECOME THE OLDEST TO
PARACHUTE OUT OF A PLANE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
POPULAR SENIORS GROUP AAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAA-R-P.
( LAUGHTER ) AAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAA-R-P.
THE WOMAN, ROOT LARSSON OF SWEDEN, GOT INTERESTED IN
PARACHUTING JUST BEFORE SHE TURNED 90.
REALLY? 90?
I'M 58, AND I'VE ALREADY LOST INTEREST IN STANDING UP
QUICKLY. I MEAN, I'LL DO IT IN TANDEM
WITH AN EXPERT. I NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME WHEN
TO DEPLOY MY GLUTES. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, A GROUP OF SOLDIERS IN THE U.K. WERE BOOTED FROM
NATO DEPLOYMENT AFTER HAVING AN ON-BASE ORGY.
OR AS IT'S KNOWN IN THE MILITARY: DISHONORABLE
DISCHARGE. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, IN ONE OF THE CLEAREST SIGNS YET THAT WE ARE,
IN FACT, IN THE END-TIMES, PEPSICO AND BOSTON BEER COMPANY
HAVE LAUNCHED THEIR FIRST ADS FOR THEIR HARD MOUNTAIN DEW, AS
THE COMPANIES TRY TO RAISE AWARENESS FOR THEIR SODA-ALCOHOL
COLLABORATION, AND THE CAMPAIGN IS CALLED "FREAK OUT
RESPONSIBLY." ( LAUGHTER )
SLOGAN: "DRIVE YOUR A.T.V. INTO THE NEIGHBOR'S POOL
RESPONSIBLY!" THE BEVERAGE IS AVAILABLE IN
FOUR FLAVORS, WITH 5% ALCOHOL BY VOLUME: ORIGINAL MOUNTAIN DEW,
BAJA BLAST, BLACK CHERRY, AND WATERMELON.
BUT THEY ALL CONTAIN THE SAME SECRET INGREDIENT: REGRET.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH EMMA THOMPSON AND PUPPIES!
( APPLAUSE ) HEY WELCOME BACK EVERYBODY.
AS I'M SURE YOU ALL KNOW, I LOVE DOGS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AND
THEY LOVE ME BACK-- POSSIBLY BECAUSE MY DEODORANT IS
A JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER. AND BECAUSE I LOVE DOGS SO MUCH,
I ALSO LOVE MY SEGMENT "RESCUE DOG RESCUE," WHERE WE HELP FIND
HOMES FOR REAL RESCUE PUPPIES. I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT SO FAR, WE
HAVE A PERFECT RECORD OF EVERY SINGLE DOG WE'VE FEATURED
GETTING ADOPTED! WHICH IS WHY I'M EXCITED TO
ANNOUNCE IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER "RESCUE DOG RESCUE," BROUGHT
TO YOU TONIGHT BY SIMPARICA TRIO!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GENTLEMEN, TO "RESCUE DOG RESCUE."
HERE'S HOW SHE WORKS: WE'RE ABOUT TO SHOW YOU SOME ADORABLE
PUPPIES THAT ARE ACTUALLY UP FOR ADOPTION THROUGH NORTH SHORE
ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA. AND THESE DOGS ARE SUPER CUTE,
SUPER ADOPTABLE. BUT TO MAKE THEM SEEM EVEN MORE
ADOPTABLE, WE HAVE MADE UP A SERIES OF FLATTERING LIES ABOUT
EACH OF THEM IN ORDER TO HELP FIND THEM A FOREVER HOME.
NOW, IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME CELEBRITY HERE TO HELP ME.
>> GREAT DOOR! STEPHEN!
>> Stephen: DAME EMMA THOMPSON. Y COW!
WE'LL HAVE THAT FIXED. >> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: EMMA THOMPSON. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I GOTTA ASK YOU, EMMA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> WELL, WHEN I HEARD THAT THESE DOGS WE'RE ABOUT TO MEET NEEDED
HOMES, I FLEW HERE IMMEDIATELY, FORTHWITH, AND WITHOUT ANY
HESITATION TO HELP YOU WITH THEIR ADOPTION.
>> Stephen: REALLY, YOU FLEW HERE?
YOU FLEW HERE FROM THE U.K. THAT'S AMAZING.
>> BUT OBVIOUSLY NOT TRUE, OF COURSE NOT!
WHAT? NO.
I WAS JUST BACKSTAGE. >> Stephen: OH,.
>> BUT WHAT IT DOES PROVE IS THAT I'M WILLING TO LIE THROUGH
MY TEETH. >> Stephen: THAT'S GOOD
ENOUGH. >> TO THESE GOOD PEOPLE.
YOU DESERVE BETTER. THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.
SO YOU SHOULD WRITE. "DEAR MR. COLBERT, NEXT TIME GET
A BARE-FACED LIAR FROM THE U.K. TO HELP SELL YOUR DOGS!"
>> Stephen: LET'S DO IT. FIRST UP, THIS LITTLE FELLA
HERE, THIS IS MAX. THIS IS MAX.
MAX CAN SOLVE "THE NEW YORK TIMES" SUNDAY CROSSWORD PUZZLE
IN UNDER EIGHT MINUTES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT'S A 12-LETTER WORD FOR DESCRIBING MAX?
I HAVE NO IDEA, BUT HE DOES. ( LAUGHTER )
>> OH, HELLO, DARLING! THIS IS RAPTOR.
THIS DOG, BUT SHE'S VERY LOYAL AND PROMISES THREE DAYS PER
SCHOOL YEAR WHERE SHE WILL BELIEVABLY EAT YOUR HOMEWORK.
( LAUGHTER ) CHOOSE THEM WISELY.
THERE YOU GO, MY LOVE. >> Stephen: THIS IS ALBERTO.
ALBERTO-- HELLO, ALBERTO. ALBERTO CAN SPEAK TO THE DEAD
( LAUGHTER ) ( LAUGHTER )
THERE YOU GO. >> THIS IS KENT.
KENT IS VERY SPECIAL BECAUSE HE'S COME TO LICK ALL MY MAKEUP
OFF. HE IS ALSO A TRAINED SOMMELIER
WHO CAN USE HIS SOPHISTICATED NOSE PALATE TO FIND THE PERFECT
WINE TO COMPLIMENT ANY DISH. HIS PERSONAL FAVORITE IS A
FULL-BODIED BORDEAUX PAIRED WITH HIS OWN BALLS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: DAME, DAME, YOU'RE
A DAME. >> I AM, I'M A DAME, YES, THAT'S
CORRECT. >> Stephen: THIS IS BIANCA.
HELLO! THIS IS BIANCA.
BIANCA BARKS, BUT ONLY AT PEOPLE WHO WEAR THEIR MASKS UNDER THEIR
NOSE. IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS.
EITHER WEAR THE THING OR DON'T. BIANCA HAS NO TIME FOR YOUR
HALF-ASSED, PISS-POOR ATTITUDE. ( LAUGHTER )
>> THIS IS JELLY BEAN. SHE IS A HIGHLY-SKILLED PAINTER
WHO SPENT DECADES-- IN DOG YEARS, THAT IS, OBVIOUSLY--
TRAINING TO BECOME THE WORLD'S GREATEST LIVING ART FORGER.
SO DID SHE JUST PEE ON YOUR WHITE CARPET, OR DID YOU
ACTUALLY JUST GET YOURSELF A SHAG PILE JACKSON POLLOCK?
IT ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HELLO. THIS IS TAFFETA.
TAFFETA WILL TUTOR YOUR KIDS FOR THE S.A.T.
SHE'S GREAT AT THE MATH PORTION, BUT I'LL WARN YOU, HER
VOCABULARY IS "ROUGH." WELL, THAT DOES IT FOR "RESCUE
DOG RESCUE"! ( APPLAUSE )
colbertlateshow.com, FOR INFO ON HOW TO ADOPT THESE DOGS FROM
NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA.
AND YOU CAN SEE EMMA IN "GOOD LUCK TO YOU, LEO GRANDE,"
STREAMING NOW ON HULU! EMMA THOMPSON, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, MARK. THAT ONE?
THIS ONE RIGHT HERE? WELCOME BACK, FOLKS.
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A FILMMAKER AND AUTHOR YOU KNOW FROM MOVIES
LIKE "AGUIRRE, THE WRATH OF GOD," "FITZCARRALDO," AND
"GRIZZLY MAN." HE HAS JUST WRITTEN HIS FIRST
NOVEL, "THE TWILIGHT WORLD." PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE
SHOW," WERNER HERZOG! ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR BEING HERE. >> A JOY TO BE BACK.
>> Stephen: IT HAS BEEN 11 YEARS SINCE I'VE INTERVIEWED
YOU. THE FIRST TIME I INTERVIEWED YOU
WAS ON THE "COLBERT REPORT." AND I WAS IN CHARACTER THERE.
WE TALKED ABOUT "CAVE OF FORGOTTEN DREAMS, RADIOACTIVE
ALBINO ALLIGATORS AND EVERYTHING.
>> MUTANTS. >> Stephen: MUTANTS, EXACTLY.
I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE, BUT I'M SO GLAD TO TALK TO YOU OUT
OF CHARACTER. HERE'S THE THING-- YOU HAVE
BECOME TO THE PUBLIC AT LARGE SOMETHING OF A CHARACTER
YOURSELF. THERE IS THE CHARACTER OF WERNER
HERZOG. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU REPRESENT
TO PEOPLE? >> WELL, IT'S A DANGEROUS
SUBJECT, BECAUSE IT'S JUST ME AND NOTHING ELSE.
AND I TRY TO STAY AWAY FROM CATEGORIZATION AND PLAYING
ROLES. ALTHOUGH, WE SHOULD NOT FORGET
THAT ALL OF US ARE IN SOME SORT OF THEATER THAT WE CREATE FOR
OURSELVES, AND WE BEHAVE AND WE ARE PERFORMING WHEN YOU ARE IN
CHURCH, FOR EXAMPLE, YOU ARE PERFORMATIVE.
WHEN YOU YOU ARE BEST MAN IN A WEDDING, YOU'RE PERFORMATIVE.
WHEN YOU TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN. SO WE HAVE SETTLED IN, IN SOME
SORT OF A PERFORMATIVE LIFE. >> Stephen: THAT IS THE WERNER
HERZOG STUFF I'M TALKING ABOUT RIGHT THERE.
THAT IS PURE UNCUT HERZOG. ONE OF THE THINGS THAT YOU'VE
BEEN PRODUCING LATELY IS A NEW BOOK.
THIS IS YOUR FIRST NOVEL. IT'S CALLED "THE TWILIGHT
WORLD." AND THIS IS FASCINATING TO ME
BECAUSE IT IS ABOUT HIROO ONODA, WHO-- FOR THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T
KNOW, EXPLAIN TO THE PEOPLE WHO HIROO ONODA WAS.
>> HE WAS THE LAST JAPANESE SOLDIER WHO SURRENDERED AFTER
THE END OF THE SECOND WORLD WAR. BUT IT WAS 29 YEARS AFTER THE
WAR HAD ENDED. HE WAS ON THE PHILIPPINE ISLAND,
LEFT ALONE, AND HE HAD ORDERS, KEEP THE ISLAND OCCUPIED UNTIL
THE IMPERIAL ARMY RETURNS. SO HE STAYED IN THE JUNGLE, AND
HE WOULD HAVE SKIRMISHES AND HAD SURVIVED AMBUSHES.
AND HE TOOK EVERY LITTLE PIECE AS EVERYTHING THAT HE FOUND,
THAT THE WAR WAS STILL GOING ON. >> Stephen: FOR 29 YEARS?
WHAT EVIDENCE? >> FOR EXAMPLE, LEAFLETS WERE
THROWN DOWN FROM PLANES, ASKING HIM TO SURRENDER.
AND SOME OF THE JAPANESE CHARACTERS WERE MISSPELLED.
SO HE KNEW IMMEDIATELY THAT MUST HAVE BEEN THE ENEMY'S SECRET
SERVICE, THE AMERICAN SECRET SERVICE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO
SPELL CORRECTLY. THEN HE WOULD SEE HUNDREDS OF
AIRPLANES, WARPLANES GOING OVERHEAD AND MOVING WEST.
BUT IT WAS ALREADY THE NEXT WAR, THAT WAS THE KOREAN WAR.
THEN YEARS LATER, B-52 BOMBERS, AIRCRAFT CARRIERS AND
BATTLESHIPS, ALL PASSING BY GOING WEST.
THAT IS YET THE NEXT WAR. THAT WAS THE VIETNAM WAR FOR
EIGHT OR NINE YEARS HE SEES THAT.
AND HE WAS HUNTED. HIS LAST TWO COMRADES WERE SHOT
DEAD IN AMBUSHES. AND HE SURVIVED 111 AMBUSHES AND
SKIRMISHES. AND FINALLY SURRENDERED.
>> Stephen: NOW, HOW DID THEY FINALLY GET HIM TO SURRENDER?
>> WELL, A YOUNG MAN DROPPED OUT FROM UNIVERSITY HAD THREE GOALS
IN LIFE: HAVE A MEETING AND ENCOUNTER WITH THE ABOMINABLE
SNOWMAN, AND FIND THE PANDA BEAR IN CHINA IN ITS NATURAL HABITAT.
SO HE SETS OUT TO LUBANG ISLAND IN THE PHILIPPINES, AND WITHIN A
DAY, HE STUMBLES INTO HIM AND ALMOST SHOOT HIM DEAD.
THE JAPANESE GUY SHOUTS OUT, "NO, NO, I'M JAPANESE!
I'M JAPANESE! AND I'M ONLY 22 YEARS OLD, AND
NICE TO MEET YOU." SO FOR AN ENTIRE NIGHT, HE TELLS
ONODA WHAT HAS HAPPENED IN THE LAST 29 YEARS, AND HE IS HALFWAY
CONVINCED, AND HE SAYS, "WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO TOKYO,
BRING ONE OF MY FORMER COMMANDING OFFICERS, AND ONLY IF
I RECEIVE COMPETENT MILITARY ORDERS, I'M GOING TO SURRENDER."
SO THREE WEEKS LATER, HIS FORMERLY MAJOR ARRIVES, 88 YEARS
OLD, AND TELLS HIM TO SURRENDER, AND HE DOES SO, THIS PHILIPPINE
HONOR GUARD STANDING AT ATTENTION AND HANDS OVER HIS
RIFLE HE HAS KEPT IMPECCABLY RUST FREE FOR 29 YEARS IN THE
JUNGLE, HANDS OVER HIS SWORD TO THE HIGHEST GENERAL OF THE
PHILIPPINE ARMY AND HE IMMEDIATELY HANDS IT BACK AND
SAYS, "THE TRUE SAMURAI KEEPS HIS SWORD."
SO IT WAS -- >> Stephen: WHAT WAS THE
REACTION BACK IN JAPAN? ( APPLAUSE )
TALKING ABOUT IT. IT WAS AS IF FOR AN ENTIRE
MINUTE THE HEARTS IN JAPAN STOOD STILL WHEN IT WAS ANNOUNCED OVER
THE RADIO, BECAUSE IT WAS KNOWN ALL THE TIME THAT THEY WERE
STILL SEARCHING FOR ONODA. AND THE HEART STOPPED BEATING.
NOBODY TOOK A BREATH FOR 60 SECONDS.
AND THEN JAPAN CAME BACK AND THEY SALUTE-- THEY GREETED HIM
LIKE A GREAT ROCK STAR. >> Stephen: NOW, IN MOST OF
THE WORLD, PEOPLE SEE ONODA AS MISGUIDED, SORT OF HAVING WASTED
29 YEARS, SORT OF A FOOLISH FIGURE, IF ONE GUIDED BY ORDERS.
WHAT IS YOUR VIEW OF WHAT HE DID, THE DECISION HE MADE TO
KEEP FIGHTING? >> WELL, HE-- THE ORDERS WERE
"YOU HAVE TO SET YOUR OWN RULES."
SO HE WAS NOT UNDER DIRECT ORDERS.
HE SETTLED INTO THE JUNGLE AND FOUGHT THE WAR WITHOUT ANY
COMMANDER AROUND ANYMORE. AND, OF COURSE, IT'S TRAGIC
BECAUSE IT WAS NOT FOOLISH. IT WAS TRAGIC BECAUSE HE LIVED A
LIFE, LIVED THE LIFE OF A SOLDIER IN A FICTITIOUS WAR THAT
WAS COMPLETE REALITY FOR HIM. AND HE ORGANIZED EVERY SINGLE
PIECE OF EVIDENCE AS IF IT WAS ARTICLES OF FAITH.
SO ALMOST LIKE RELIGIOUS, STRANGE RELIGIOUS BELIEF SYSTEMS
ORIGINATE. AND I AM ASKING MYSELF WHO WAS
THE GHOST WRITER OF HIS ACTIONS? WHO IS THE GHOST WRITER OF WHAT
WE ARE DOING RIGHT HERE? >> Stephen: IT'S THE SPONSORS,
I THINK. ( LAUGHTER )
>> YES. >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'LL
HAVE MORE WERNER HERZOG, EVERYBODY, STICK AROUND.
( APPLAUSE ) WE'RE BACK WITH THE AUTHOR OF
THE NEW BOOK "THE TWILIGHT WORLD," WERNER HERZOG.
YOU HAVE SUCH AN ICONIC VOICE, AND I WAS HOPING THAT WE COULD--
WE COULD USE YOUR ICONIC VOICE TO TELL A FEW JOKES.
>> OH, MY GOODNESS. >> Stephen: THEY'RE FAIRLY--
FAIRLY SIMPLE JOKES. I'LL DO THEM WITH YOU, IF YOU
DON'T MIND. >> ALL RIGHT YOU SAY THE LINES
THAT ARE IN BOLD, AND I'LL SAY THE OTHER LINES.
>> OKAY, KNOCK, KNOCK. >> Stephen: WHO'S THERE?
>> AB BOO. >> Stephen: BOO WHO?
>> DO NOT CRY. >> Stephen: THAT'S REALLY
GOOD, THAT'S REALLY GOOD. YOU GOT IT.
LET'S DO ANOTHER ONE. THAT'S YOU, JUST YOU SAY THAT
LINE. >> TWO PEANUTS WERE WALKING DOWN
THE STREET, AND ONE WAS-- ONE WAS A SALTED.
( LAUGHTER ) >> OKAY.
( APPLAUSE ). WERNER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, HAVE A
SEAT. "THE TWILIGHT WORLD" IS ON SALE
NOW. WERNER HERZOG, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY ROGER WATERS.
>> Stephen: MY MUSICAL GUEST IS THE FOUNDING MEMBER AND CREATIVE
FORCE BEHIND PINK FLOYD. PERFORMING A MEDLEY OF "THE
HAPPIEST DAYS OF OUR LIVES" AND "ANOTHER BRICK IN THE WALL,
PARTS, 2 AND 3," ROGER WATERS! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ >> YOU YES, YOU
STAND STILL, LADDIE ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ WHEN WE GREW UP AND WENT TO SCHOOL
♪ THERE WERE CERTAIN TEACHERS WHO WOULD HURT THE CHILDREN
♪ IN ANY WAY THEY COULD BY POURING THEIR DERISION
♪ UPON ANYTHING WE DID EXPOSING EVERY WEAKNESS
♪ HOWEVER CAREFULLY HIDDEN BY THE KID
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ BUT IN THE TOWN, IT WAS WELL KNOWN,
♪ WHEN THEY GOT HOME AT NIGHT THEIR FAT
♪ AND PSYCHOPATHIC WIVES WOULD THRASH THEM
♪ WITHIN INCHES OF THEIR LIVES ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ WE DON'T NEED NO EDUCATION
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ WE DON'T NEED NO THOUGHT CONTROL
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ NO DARK SARCASM IN THE CLASSROOM
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ TEACHER, LEAVE THEM KIDS ALONE
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ HEY, TEACHER,
LEAVE THEM KIDS ALONE ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ALL IN ALL IT'S JUST ANOTHER
♪ BRICK IN THE WALL ALL IN ALL
♪ YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER BRICK IN THE WALL
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ( GUITAR SOLO ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ( GUITAR SOLO ) ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ WE DON'T NEED NO
DRUGS TO CALM ME
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
DON'T THINK I NEED ANYTHING ♪ AT ALL
ALL IN ALL, ♪ IT WAS ALL JUST
BRICKS IN THE WALL ♪ ALL IN ALL,
YOU WERE ALL JUST ♪ BRICKS IN THE WALL
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ALL IN ALL, YOU WERE ALL JUST
♪ BRICKS IN THE WALL ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ALL IN ALL,
YOU WERE ALL JUST ♪ BRICKS IN THE WALL
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪
ARGUMENTS AROUND ME
IT WAS ALL JUST BRICK
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HIS TOUR, "THIS IS NOT A DRILL,"
KICKS OFF JULY 6. ROGER WATERS, EVERYBODY!
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS
WILL BE TAIKA WAITITI AND DAVID SEDARIS.
GOOD NIGHT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )