1 00:00:01,401 --> 00:00:04,170 THE JANUARY 6TH COMITTEE IS EXPECTED TO FOCUS ON FORMER 2 00:00:04,237 --> 00:00:08,007 PRESIDENT TRUMP'S ROLE IN THE SCHEME TO SUBMIT FAKE SLATES OF 3 00:00:08,074 --> 00:00:09,609 ELECTORS IN THE 2020 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION. 4 00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:13,146 >> THE IMPORTANT PART OF THIS PLAN, RIGHT, WAS TO USE THESE 5 00:00:13,213 --> 00:00:15,715 FAKE ELECTORS. >> FAKE SLATES OF ELECTORS. 6 00:00:15,782 --> 00:00:19,586 >> EASTMAN WAS, OF COURSE, THE AUTHOR OF THAT NOW-INFAMOUS COUP 7 00:00:19,652 --> 00:00:21,554 MEMO TO OVERTURN THE RESULTS OF THE ELECTION USING A FAKE SLATE 8 00:00:21,621 --> 00:00:27,594 OF ELECTORS. >> HI, ARE YOU A LAWYER TRYING 9 00:00:27,660 --> 00:00:29,696 TO SWING A LOSING ELECTION IN YOUR FAVOR BY ASSEMBLING A TEAM 10 00:00:29,763 --> 00:00:31,297 OF FAKE ELECTORS? THEN COME IN TO FAST EARL'S FAKE 11 00:00:31,364 --> 00:00:33,500 ELECTOR DEPOT, WHERE WE SELL ONLY THE FINEST IN BLOW-UP 12 00:00:33,566 --> 00:00:35,835 ELECTORS. HERE'S HOW THEY WORK. 13 00:00:35,902 --> 00:00:39,606 SIMPLY SHOW UP WHERE THE CONTEST IS BEING DECIDED, PLUG IT IN, 14 00:00:39,672 --> 00:00:41,641 AND HAVE A DO YOU BIDDING. LOOK HOW EXCITED HE IS. 15 00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:45,645 HE WOULDN'T BE DANCING IF YOU LOST. 16 00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:47,847 PERFECT FOR ANY COMPETITION YOU FAIL TO WIN, FROM THE LOCAL 17 00:00:47,914 --> 00:00:50,250 SCIENCE FAIR TO THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION. 18 00:00:50,316 --> 00:00:53,686 AND IN THE VERY GOOD CHANCE YOU GO TO JAIL FOR ELECTION FRAUD, 19 00:00:53,753 --> 00:00:56,623 THEN PICK UP ONE OF OUR DELUXE PRISON INFLATE MATES. 20 00:00:56,689 --> 00:00:59,893 HE'LL GET YOU OFF. BUT NOT FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR. 21 00:01:06,933 --> 00:01:10,770 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 22 00:01:10,837 --> 00:01:18,778 TONIGHT: AND RESCUE DOG RESCUE WITH EMMA 23 00:01:18,845 --> 00:01:22,782 THOMPSON. PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: 24 00:01:22,849 --> 00:01:26,786 WERNER HERZOG AND MUSICAL GUEST ROGER WATERS 25 00:01:28,621 --> 00:01:30,990 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 26 00:01:34,627 --> 00:01:36,930 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 27 00:01:36,996 --> 00:01:42,802 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 28 00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:55,949 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). IT. 29 00:01:56,015 --> 00:02:00,286 >> Stephen: HAPPY TUESDAY. HAPPY TUESDAY. 30 00:02:00,353 --> 00:02:02,789 HAPPY TUESDAY. HAPPY TUESDAY. 31 00:02:02,856 --> 00:02:05,558 HAPPY TUESDAY. HAPPY TUESDAY. 32 00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:08,428 HEY, EVERYBODY! >> Audience: STEPHEN! 33 00:02:08,495 --> 00:02:09,462 STEPHEN! STEPHEN. 34 00:02:09,529 --> 00:02:11,498 >> Stephen: HAPPY TUESDAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 35 00:02:11,564 --> 00:02:13,466 WELCOME, THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANKS, EVERYBODY. 36 00:02:13,533 --> 00:02:18,571 WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW." 37 00:02:18,638 --> 00:02:20,373 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. AND I HAVE TO SAY-- 38 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:26,646 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FRAME OF MIND, 39 00:02:26,713 --> 00:02:29,148 BECAUSE IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF SUMMER, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT 40 00:02:29,215 --> 00:02:35,021 MEANS-- HELL YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS: 41 00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:36,956 TIME TO SLIP ON THE SPEEDO AND DIVE HEADFIRST INTO THE JANUARY 42 00:02:37,023 --> 00:02:41,327 6th HEARINGS. BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON, THE 43 00:02:41,394 --> 00:02:42,829 COMMITTEE HELD THE FOURTH INSTALLMENT IN A GREAT SUMMER 44 00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:45,798 BEACH READ I'M CALLING "SCARY PLOTTER AND THE GOBLET OF 45 00:02:45,865 --> 00:02:48,935 LIARS." ( LAUGHTER ) 46 00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:58,878 LONGEST DAY OF THE YEAR, AND I'M SURE IT FELT LIKE IT FOR THE 47 00:02:58,945 --> 00:03:01,047 FORMER PRESIDENT DUMB QUIXOTE, BECAUSE TODAY, THE COMMITTEE 48 00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:03,816 LAID OUT IN SHOCKING DETAIL HOW HIS RELENTLESS AND ILLEGAL 49 00:03:03,883 --> 00:03:06,819 SCHEME TO OVERTURN THE ELECTION BROUGHT HARROWING CONSEQUENCES 50 00:03:06,886 --> 00:03:14,060 FOR THOSE HONEST PUBLIC SERVANTS WHO STOOD UP TO THE PRESSURE TO 51 00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:15,929 SUPPORT HIS HEINOUS LIES. IN HER OPENING STATEMENT, 52 00:03:15,995 --> 00:03:18,598 COMMITTEE VICE CHAIR LIZ CHENEY HAD A WARNING FOR OUR NATION. 53 00:03:18,665 --> 00:03:23,670 >> I WOULD URGE ALL OF THOSE WATCHING TODAY TO FOCUS ON THE 54 00:03:23,736 --> 00:03:25,738 EVIDENCE THE COMMITTEE WILL PRESENT. 55 00:03:25,805 --> 00:03:29,742 DON'T BE DISTRACTED BY POLITICS. THIS IS SERIOUS. 56 00:03:29,809 --> 00:03:33,413 WE CANNOT LET AMERICA BECOME A NATION OF CONSPIRACY THEORIES 57 00:03:33,479 --> 00:03:36,849 AND THUG VIOLENCE. >> Stephen: IT'S TRUE, BECAUSE 58 00:03:36,916 --> 00:03:39,819 IF WE DO, THE REPTILIANS WHO RUN THE NEW WORLD ORDER WILL STEAL 59 00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:41,721 OUR SPINES TO USE AS RADIO TOWERS TO BROADCAST OUR LOCATION 60 00:03:41,788 --> 00:03:45,725 TO BILL GATES! ( LAUGHTER ) 61 00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:50,263 NOW, FIRST UP, WE HEARD TESTIMONY FROM ARIZONA SPEAKER 62 00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:55,802 OF THE HOUSE AND WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU LEAVE YOUR BOWERS OUT IN THE 63 00:03:55,868 --> 00:03:57,770 RAIN-- ( LAUGHTER ) 64 00:03:57,837 --> 00:04:07,480 BOWERS, LIFE-LONG REPUBLICAN, TESTIFIED THAT HE FACED MASSIVE 65 00:04:07,547 --> 00:04:09,782 PRESSURE FROM RUDY GIULIANI AND OTHER LACKEYS, DEMANDING THAT HE 66 00:04:09,849 --> 00:04:13,519 FLIP THE STATE WHICH HE KNEW HAD NO RIGHT TO DO. 67 00:04:13,586 --> 00:04:15,421 AND HERE'S WHY THEY THOUGHT BOWERS SHOULD COOPERATE. 68 00:04:15,488 --> 00:04:17,557 >> HE WOULD SAY, "AREN'T WE ALL REPUBLICANS HERE? 69 00:04:17,624 --> 00:04:20,827 I WOULD THINK WE WOULD GET A BETTER RECEPTION. 70 00:04:20,893 --> 00:04:23,830 I MEAN, I WOULD THINK YOU WOULD LISTEN A LITTLE MORE OPEN TO MY 71 00:04:23,896 --> 00:04:27,900 SUGGESTION THAT WE ARE ALL REPUBLICANS." 72 00:04:27,967 --> 00:04:31,037 >> Stephen: OKAY, OVERTURNING AN ELECTION IS ASKING FOR SOME 73 00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:33,740 SERIOUS BRAND LOYALTY: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WON'T BURN 74 00:04:33,806 --> 00:04:36,542 DOWN MY HOUSE FOR THE INSURANCE MONEY? 75 00:04:36,609 --> 00:04:39,345 WE BOTH DRINK DIET PEPSI!" ( LAUGHTER ) 76 00:04:39,412 --> 00:04:45,718 I DON'T KNOW. WE'LL FIND OUT. 77 00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:51,190 THE FORMER PRESIDENT AND THE FORMER RUDY GIULIANI PROMISED 78 00:04:51,257 --> 00:04:56,529 BOWERS THAT THEY WOULD EVENTUALLY GET HIM PROOF OF THIS 79 00:04:56,596 --> 00:05:01,067 SUPPOSED VOTER FRAUD THEY KEPT TALKING ABOUT, BUT THEY NEVER 80 00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:02,135 DID. THEN BOWERS GAVE THIS REVEALING 81 00:05:02,201 --> 00:05:04,370 QUOTE FROM RUDY: >> MY RECOLLECTION, HE SAID, 82 00:05:04,437 --> 00:05:05,738 "WE'VE GOT LOTS OF THEORIES. WE JUST DON'T HAVE THE 83 00:05:05,805 --> 00:05:08,541 EVIDENCE." AND I DON'T KNOW IF THAT WAS A 84 00:05:08,608 --> 00:05:13,746 GAFFE, OR MAYBE HE DIDN'T THINK THROUGH WHAT HE SAID, BUT BOTH 85 00:05:13,813 --> 00:05:16,449 MYSELF AND OTHERS IN MY GROUP, THE THREE IN MY GROUP AND MY 86 00:05:16,516 --> 00:05:20,420 COUNSEL, BOTH REMEMBERED THAT SPECIFICALLY AND AFTERWARDS, WE 87 00:05:20,486 --> 00:05:25,725 KIND OF LAUGHED ABOUT IT. ( LAUGHTER ) 88 00:05:25,792 --> 00:05:29,195 LAUGH. RUDY'S GOT A GREAT SENSE OF 89 00:05:29,262 --> 00:05:30,196 HUMOR! ( AS RUDY ) 90 00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:33,266 THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA!" ( LAUGHTER ) 91 00:05:33,332 --> 00:05:39,872 "WHAT WAS I SAYING? WHAT WAS I...? 92 00:05:39,939 --> 00:05:45,945 ( APPLAUSE ) HIM SOME REAL SOUL SEARCHING, 93 00:05:46,012 --> 00:05:49,749 AND TODAY, HE READ AN EMOTIONAL JOURNAL ENTRY FROM THE TIME. 94 00:05:49,816 --> 00:05:53,720 >> I DO NOT TAKE THIS CURRENT SITUATION IN A LIGHT MANNER, A 95 00:05:53,786 --> 00:05:59,792 FEARFUL MANNER, OR A VENGEFUL MANNER. 96 00:05:59,859 --> 00:06:03,896 I DO NOT WANT TO BE A WINNER BY CHEATING. 97 00:06:03,963 --> 00:06:15,875 I WILL NOT PLAY WITH LAWS I SWORE ALLEGIANCE TO WITH ANY 98 00:06:15,942 --> 00:06:21,748 CONTRIVED DESIRE TOWARDS DEFLECTION OF MY DEEP 99 00:06:21,814 --> 00:06:25,718 FOUNDATIONAL DESIRE TO FOLLOW GOD'S WILL, AS I BELIEVE HE LED 100 00:06:25,785 --> 00:06:29,722 MY CONSCIENCE TO EMBRACE. >> Stephen: WOW. 101 00:06:29,789 --> 00:06:36,229 IN A MOMENT OF DARKNESS, DRAWING STRENGTH FROM A DEEP WELL OF 102 00:06:36,295 --> 00:06:39,899 CONSCIENCE, AND FORTITUDE, AND FAITH. 103 00:06:39,966 --> 00:06:43,936 THAT IS BEAUTIFUL. AND INSPIRED BY THAT, I WROTE A 104 00:06:44,003 --> 00:06:45,138 PRETTY GOOD ONE TODAY TOO: "DEAR DIARY, TODAY WAS THE 105 00:06:45,204 --> 00:06:46,272 HEARINGS. THEY MADE ME SAD, SO I ATE A 106 00:06:46,339 --> 00:06:47,440 SNACK. IT WAS PEANUT BUTTER ON A DONUT. 107 00:06:47,507 --> 00:06:49,742 PRETTY GOOD! STILL SAD, THOUGH. 108 00:06:49,809 --> 00:06:50,510 LOVE, STEVE" ( LAUGHTER ) 109 00:06:50,576 --> 00:06:57,583 ♪ ♪ ♪ NEVER TRIED THAT. 110 00:06:57,650 --> 00:07:02,021 NEVER TRIED THAT BEFORE. THEN WE GOT TO HEAR FROM GEORGIA 111 00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:09,796 SECRETARY OF STATE AND MAN BEING HELD HOSTAGE BY TWO FLAGS, BRAD 112 00:07:09,862 --> 00:07:14,167 RAFFENSPERGER. YOU MAY RECALL THAT ON 113 00:07:14,233 --> 00:07:21,741 JANUARY 2, 2021, THE FORMER PRESIDENT HELD AN HOUR-LONG CALL 114 00:07:21,808 --> 00:07:24,443 WITH RAFFENSPERGER, WHERE HE BLUNTLY REQUESTED SOME ELECTION 115 00:07:24,510 --> 00:07:25,711 SKULLDUGGERY. >> SO WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO 116 00:07:25,778 --> 00:07:27,380 HERE, FOLKS? I ONLY NEED 11,000 VOTES. 117 00:07:27,446 --> 00:07:36,689 FELLAS, I NEED 11,000 VOTES. GIVE ME A BREAK. 118 00:07:36,756 --> 00:07:37,790 >> Stephen: THAT IS JUST PATHETIC. 119 00:07:37,857 --> 00:07:39,859 HE'S LITERALLY BEGGING THEM TO INVENT VOTES FOR HIM. 120 00:07:39,926 --> 00:07:41,494 IT'S LIKE WATCHING AN OLD MAN TRY TO MOOCH AN EXTRA PANCAKE AT 121 00:07:41,561 --> 00:07:49,101 DENNY'S: "WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE, FOLKS. 122 00:07:49,168 --> 00:07:51,003 I ONLY NEED ONE MORE PANCAKE, FELLAS. 123 00:07:51,070 --> 00:07:52,772 JUST FLAP THAT JACK ON THERE. GIVE ME A BREAK. 124 00:07:52,839 --> 00:07:55,441 GIVE ME A BREAK. AND THE STATE OF GEORGIA." 125 00:07:55,508 --> 00:07:57,743 THE COMMITTEE-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 126 00:07:57,810 --> 00:08:07,153 FRAUDULENT. I KNOW THAT'S I-HOP. 127 00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:11,224 MOON'S OVER MIAMI. THE COMMITTEE-- MAN'S EATING AT 128 00:08:11,290 --> 00:08:14,193 A DENNY'S RIGHT THERE. THE COMMITTEE ALSO HAD TEXT 129 00:08:14,260 --> 00:08:17,730 MESSAGES TO ONE OF MIKE PENCE'S AIDES, SENT FROM AN AIDE TO 130 00:08:17,797 --> 00:08:25,738 SENATOR RON JOHNSON. THE DETAILS WERE ABOUT JOHNSON 131 00:08:25,805 --> 00:08:27,907 TRYING TO GET A LIST OF FAKE ALTERNATE ELECTORS INTO PENCE'S 132 00:08:27,974 --> 00:08:31,978 HANDS, BUT WHAT JUMPED OUT TO ME WHEN I SAW IT THIS AFTERNOON, 133 00:08:32,044 --> 00:08:33,746 WAS THAT THE TREASONOUS TEXT MESSAGES START SIMPLY WITH, 134 00:08:33,813 --> 00:08:39,886 "SUP?" ( LAUGHTER ) 135 00:08:39,952 --> 00:08:45,725 DEMOCRACY. "SUP? 136 00:08:45,791 --> 00:08:49,862 "O.M.G., LET'S TOTES SEAT ALTERN-8 ELECTORS FOR THE LOLZ!" 137 00:08:49,929 --> 00:08:57,036 NOW ONE OF THE-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 138 00:08:57,103 --> 00:09:01,741 ONE OF THE MOST HEARTBREAKING WITNESSES OF THE DAY WAS GEORGIA 139 00:09:01,807 --> 00:09:05,544 ELECTION WORKER WANDREA SHAYE MOSS, WHO WAS HATEFULLY AND 140 00:09:05,611 --> 00:09:09,782 UNFAIRLY ATTACKED BY THE FORMER PRESIDENT AND HIS GOONS. 141 00:09:09,849 --> 00:09:13,085 IN A WEB VIDEO, GIULIANI ACCUSED MOSS AND HER MOTHER OF A 142 00:09:13,152 --> 00:09:15,888 VARIETY OF FALSEHOODS. AND, OF COURSE, THERE WAS A 143 00:09:15,955 --> 00:09:18,057 NORMAL, SOBER EXPLANATION. >> IN ONE OF THE VIDEOS WE 144 00:09:18,124 --> 00:09:21,294 JUST WATCHED, MR. GIULIANI ACCUSED YOU AND YOUR MOTHER 145 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:25,731 OF PASSING SOME SORT OF U.S.B. DRIVE TO EACH OTHER. 146 00:09:25,798 --> 00:09:29,735 WHAT WAS YOUR MOM ACTUALLY HANDING YOU ON THAT VIDEO? 147 00:09:29,802 --> 00:09:36,008 >> A GINGER MINT. ( LAUGHTER ) 148 00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:38,477 WHY RUDY NEVER PRODUCED ANY EVIDENCE. 149 00:09:38,544 --> 00:09:41,747 HE KEPT JAMMING ALTOIDS INTO HIS U.S.B. PORT. 150 00:09:41,814 --> 00:09:48,354 ( AS RUDY ) HAND ME A RICOLA!" 151 00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:51,891 "DAMN YOU, SWISS!" THE COMMITTEE-- 152 00:09:51,958 --> 00:10:00,967 ( APPLAUSE ) TRULY MOVING FOOTAGE OF MOSS'S 153 00:10:01,033 --> 00:10:03,469 MOTHER, WHO GOES BY THE NAME "LADY RUBY," EXPLAINING WHAT IT 154 00:10:03,536 --> 00:10:05,738 WAS LIKE AS AN EVERYDAY CITIZEN BEING ATTACKED BY THE MOST 155 00:10:05,805 --> 00:10:13,746 POWERFUL PERSON IN THE WORLD. >> DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO 156 00:10:13,813 --> 00:10:21,721 HAVE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES TO TARGET YOU? 157 00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:24,457 THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT 158 00:10:24,523 --> 00:10:26,392 EVERY AMERICAN, NOT TO TARGET ONE. 159 00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:36,168 BUT HE TARGETED ME, LADY RUBY. >> Stephen: OH, NO. 160 00:10:36,235 --> 00:10:37,737 NOW I'M MAD. DON'T YOU DARE TARGET HER! 161 00:10:37,803 --> 00:10:40,206 FROM THIS MOMENT FORWARD, AMERICA IS GOING TO HAVE TO 162 00:10:40,272 --> 00:10:44,076 CHOOSE: LADY RUBY OR SHADY RUDY. NOT EVERYONE'S-- 163 00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:48,647 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NO! 164 00:10:48,714 --> 00:10:53,753 SHE'S ROYALTY, I THINK. NOT EVERYONE'S FOCUSED ON 2020. 165 00:10:53,819 --> 00:10:57,723 THE MIDTERMS ARE COMING UP, AND THERE'S A WHOLE NEW ELECTION TO 166 00:10:57,790 --> 00:11:01,727 UNDERMINE, COMPLETE WITH PLENTY OF KOOKY, FAR-RIGHT CANDIDATES 167 00:11:01,794 --> 00:11:03,929 LIKE FORMER MISSOURI GOVERNOR AND MAN AT THE HARDWARE STORE 168 00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:09,835 ASKING IF THIS TARP IS BLOOD-PROOF, ERIC GREITENS. 169 00:11:09,902 --> 00:11:13,606 GREITENS WAS ELECTED GOVERNOR OF MISSOURI BACK IN 2016 BUT 170 00:11:13,672 --> 00:11:15,875 RESIGNED IN DISGRACE A YEAR INTO HIS TERM AFTER REPORTS OF 171 00:11:15,941 --> 00:11:18,144 AN AFFAIR WITH A FORMER HAIRDRESSER WHO ACCUSED HIM OF 172 00:11:18,210 --> 00:11:25,051 ABUSE AND BLACKMAIL. SO, NOT THE KIND OF GUY YOU'D 173 00:11:25,117 --> 00:11:26,285 TRUST WITH A MATCH, LET ALONE A FIREARM. 174 00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:28,287 KEEP THAT IN MIND WHEN YOU WATCH HIS NEW SENATE CAMPAIGN AD, 175 00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:30,122 WHERE HE ATTACKS SO-CALLED "RINOS," OR "REPUBLICANS IN NAME 176 00:11:30,189 --> 00:11:34,326 ONLY." >> I'M ERIC GREITENS, NAVY SEAL, 177 00:11:34,393 --> 00:11:39,899 AND TODAY WE'RE GOING RINO HUNTING. 178 00:11:39,965 --> 00:11:41,734 THE RINO FEEDS ON CORRUPTION AND IS MARKED BY THE STRIPES OF 179 00:11:41,801 --> 00:11:54,480 COWARDICE. JOIN THE MAGA CREW. 180 00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:58,417 GET A RINO HUNTING PERMIT. THERE'S NO BAGGING LIMIT, NO 181 00:11:58,484 --> 00:12:02,421 TAGGING LIMIT, AND IT DOESN'T EXPIRE UNTIL WE SAVE OUR 182 00:12:02,488 --> 00:12:06,425 COUNTRY. >> Stephen: OKAY. 183 00:12:06,492 --> 00:12:08,294 YEAH. >> Audience: BOO! 184 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:13,365 >> Stephen: YEAH, THERE'S A LOT GOING ON THERE. 185 00:12:13,432 --> 00:12:14,633 FIRST OF ALL, IT'S RARE TO CALL FOR THE DEATH OF MEMBERS OF YOUR 186 00:12:14,700 --> 00:12:16,602 OWN PARTY. I'VE ONLY SEEN IT ONCE 187 00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:18,437 BEFORE: "BLOOMBERG 2020: I HEAR BERNIE 188 00:12:18,504 --> 00:12:21,407 SANDERS IS ALLERGIC TO PEANUTS." ( LAUGHTER ) 189 00:12:21,474 --> 00:12:28,581 AND I-- I'VE GOT TO SAY, THAT IS DISTURBING. 190 00:12:28,647 --> 00:12:33,018 AND I'VE GOT TWO QUESTION ABOUT THAT AD: ONE IS, WHAT THE HELL? 191 00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:36,322 AND TWO: WHAT ARE THEY ACTUALLY BREAKING INTO, AN EMPTY HOUSE? 192 00:12:36,388 --> 00:12:43,596 THERE'S NO FURNITURE IN THERE. WHY? 193 00:12:43,662 --> 00:12:46,432 WAIT, I'M BEING TOLD "THE LATE SHOW" HAS ACTUALLY ACQUIRED THE 194 00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:50,469 ORIGINAL CUT OF THE AD: 195 00:12:54,773 --> 00:12:58,577 >> JOIN THE MAGA CREW. >> WHOA, WHOA! 196 00:12:58,644 --> 00:13:02,348 I'M ROARKEING HERE! YOU'RE GETTING DUST ALL OVER MY 197 00:13:02,414 --> 00:13:03,649 FREAKIN' SEMI-GLOSS, RAMBRO! 198 00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:05,184 OPEN HOUSE ISN"T TIL SATURDAY! TELL SEAL TEAM SUCK IT TO STAY 199 00:13:05,251 --> 00:13:07,219 OFF MY HARDWOOD FLOORS, OKAY? YOU'RE PAYING FOR THAT DOOR! 200 00:13:07,286 --> 00:13:08,988 YOU'RE PAYING FOR THE DOOR, DOUCHE CASSIDY! 201 00:13:09,054 --> 00:13:11,790 >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 202 00:13:11,857 --> 00:13:17,730 MY GUEST IS WERNER HERZOG. AND WHEN WE RETURN, I'LL BE 203 00:13:17,796 --> 00:13:21,634 HOLDING PUPPIES WITH EMMA THOMPSON. 204 00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:23,169 AND "MEANWHILE." IT'S A LOT OF SHOW. 205 00:13:55,834 --> 00:13:57,703 ( APPLAUSE ) GENTLEMEN, IT'S LOUIS CATO AND 206 00:13:57,770 --> 00:14:00,072 OUR FRIENDS STAY HUMAN, RIGHT OVER THERE 207 00:14:00,139 --> 00:14:04,977 ♪ MOVE ON UP. MOVE ON UP! 208 00:14:05,044 --> 00:14:08,647 ♪ UP, UP ♪ >> Stephen: LOUIS, HELLO, 209 00:14:08,714 --> 00:14:12,551 LOUIS, MY FRIEND. HAPPY-- HAPPY FIRST DAY OF 210 00:14:12,618 --> 00:14:16,889 SUMMER. HAPPY FIRST DAY OF SUMMER, MY 211 00:14:16,956 --> 00:14:19,191 FRIEND. BUT RIGHT NOW, FOLKS, YOU KNOW, 212 00:14:19,258 --> 00:14:25,030 IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT 213 00:14:25,097 --> 00:14:26,932 OVER THERE, CAREFULLY SELECTING AND PAIRING THE DAY'S BIGGEST 214 00:14:26,999 --> 00:14:30,102 STORIES WITH THE NEWSIEST TAKES TO BREED FOR YOU THE GLORIOUS 215 00:14:30,169 --> 00:14:32,037 AND MAJESTIC WESTMINSTER DOG SHOW-WINNING TIBETAN MASTIFF 216 00:14:32,104 --> 00:14:40,412 THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, 217 00:14:40,479 --> 00:14:42,514 I STEAL SOME DISCARDED 7-11 HOTDOGS TO LURE STRAYS INTO MY 218 00:14:42,581 --> 00:14:44,183 SHIPPING CONTAINER LABORATORY AND WATCH THEM DO IT UNTIL THEY 219 00:14:44,250 --> 00:14:45,851 WHELP THE RABID ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU MANGE-BEAST OF NEWS 220 00:14:45,918 --> 00:14:49,888 THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE"! 221 00:14:49,955 --> 00:14:53,859 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S A LIFE RAFT. 222 00:14:53,926 --> 00:14:57,896 IT'S AN ICE FLOW. DRY LAND. 223 00:14:57,963 --> 00:15:06,538 SAFE HARBOR. MEANWHILE, A NASA ROVER SIGHTING 224 00:15:06,605 --> 00:15:08,040 HAS REIGNITED FEARS ABOUT HUMAN SPACE DEBRIS. 225 00:15:08,107 --> 00:15:09,908 "HUMAN SPACE DEBRIS," BY THE WAY, ALSO THE NAME OF MY SYNTH 226 00:15:09,975 --> 00:15:13,912 POP DAD BAND. NASA'S "PERSEVERANCE" ROVER 227 00:15:13,979 --> 00:15:17,082 LANDED ON MARS IN 2021 AND HAS CAPTURED THIS PHOTO OF A PIECE 228 00:15:17,149 --> 00:15:20,052 OF THE THERMAL BLANKET FROM ITS LANDER, AS WELL AS THE SITE OF 229 00:15:20,119 --> 00:15:23,522 ITS LANDING CRAFT LEFT STREWN ON THE SURFACE OF MARS. 230 00:15:23,589 --> 00:15:29,061 OKAY, IT'S NOT GREAT THAT WE'RE LITTERING ON OTHER PLANETS BUT, 231 00:15:29,128 --> 00:15:30,229 WHAT IS THIS DEMENTED RELATIONSHIP WHERE NASA FORCES 232 00:15:30,296 --> 00:15:32,464 "PERSEVERANCE" TO TAKE PICTURES OF IT'S OWN GARBAGE? 233 00:15:32,531 --> 00:15:37,136 "LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID! 234 00:15:37,202 --> 00:15:43,042 NOW, YOU CLEAN YOUR LANDING SITE, OR YOU'RE NEVER COMING 235 00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:44,043 HOME, MISTER! WHICH REMINDS ME, YOU ARE NEVER 236 00:15:44,109 --> 00:15:47,579 COMING HOME." ( LAUGHTER ) 237 00:15:47,646 --> 00:15:50,616 MEAN-- REALLY? REALLY? 238 00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:53,886 WOW. YOU NEVER KNOW. 239 00:15:53,952 --> 00:15:56,055 MEANWHILE, THERE'S NEWS ABOUT SOCCER: THE METRIC SYSTEM OF 240 00:15:56,121 --> 00:16:04,463 SPORTS. EVERYONE KNOWS I LOVE ME SOME 241 00:16:04,530 --> 00:16:06,098 KICKY-KICKY-FLOP-FLOP, WHICH IS WHY I'M PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THAT 242 00:16:06,165 --> 00:16:09,902 FIFA HAS SELECTED 16 NORTH AMERICAN CITIES TO HOST THE 2026 243 00:16:09,968 --> 00:16:13,172 MEN'S WORLD CUP. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 244 00:16:13,238 --> 00:16:15,674 THAT'S EXCITING. THAT'S SUPER EXCITING. 245 00:16:15,741 --> 00:16:19,645 I KNOW IT IS TO YOU. AND IT'S REALLY HARD FOR FIFA TO 246 00:16:19,712 --> 00:16:20,746 CHOOSE THOSE CITIES, BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO DO IT WITH 247 00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:29,888 THEIR FEET. ( LAUGHTER ) 248 00:16:29,955 --> 00:16:35,661 REVEALED ITS NEW MASCOT AND HERE IT IS: MURPH THE NERF. 249 00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:37,996 APPARENTLY, MURPH WAS CREATED BY LETTING CHEWBACCA DO IT WITH A 250 00:16:38,063 --> 00:16:40,099 KOOSH BALL. ( LAUGHTER ) 251 00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:53,779 MEANWHILE, A 103-YEAR-OLD WOMAN HAS BECOME THE OLDEST TO 252 00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:56,048 PARACHUTE OUT OF A PLANE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 253 00:16:56,115 --> 00:17:02,521 POPULAR SENIORS GROUP AAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAA-R-P. 254 00:17:02,588 --> 00:17:09,895 ( LAUGHTER ) AAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAA-R-P. 255 00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:12,164 THE WOMAN, ROOT LARSSON OF SWEDEN, GOT INTERESTED IN 256 00:17:12,231 --> 00:17:13,899 PARACHUTING JUST BEFORE SHE TURNED 90. 257 00:17:13,966 --> 00:17:17,903 REALLY? 90? 258 00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:24,376 I'M 58, AND I'VE ALREADY LOST INTEREST IN STANDING UP 259 00:17:24,443 --> 00:17:25,878 QUICKLY. I MEAN, I'LL DO IT IN TANDEM 260 00:17:25,944 --> 00:17:28,447 WITH AN EXPERT. I NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME WHEN 261 00:17:28,514 --> 00:17:32,050 TO DEPLOY MY GLUTES. ( LAUGHTER ) 262 00:17:32,117 --> 00:17:36,455 MEANWHILE, A GROUP OF SOLDIERS IN THE U.K. WERE BOOTED FROM 263 00:17:36,522 --> 00:17:39,558 NATO DEPLOYMENT AFTER HAVING AN ON-BASE ORGY. 264 00:17:39,625 --> 00:17:41,894 OR AS IT'S KNOWN IN THE MILITARY: DISHONORABLE 265 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,495 DISCHARGE. ( LAUGHTER ) 266 00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:58,444 MEANWHILE, IN ONE OF THE CLEAREST SIGNS YET THAT WE ARE, 267 00:17:58,510 --> 00:18:02,080 MEANWHILE, IN ONE OF THE CLEAREST SIGNS YET THAT WE ARE, 268 00:18:02,147 --> 00:18:05,918 IN FACT, IN THE END-TIMES, PEPSICO AND BOSTON BEER COMPANY 269 00:18:05,984 --> 00:18:09,888 HAVE LAUNCHED THEIR FIRST ADS FOR THEIR HARD MOUNTAIN DEW, AS 270 00:18:09,955 --> 00:18:13,892 THE COMPANIES TRY TO RAISE AWARENESS FOR THEIR SODA-ALCOHOL 271 00:18:13,959 --> 00:18:16,695 COLLABORATION, AND THE CAMPAIGN IS CALLED "FREAK OUT 272 00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:19,231 RESPONSIBLY." ( LAUGHTER ) 273 00:18:19,298 --> 00:18:21,900 SLOGAN: "DRIVE YOUR A.T.V. INTO THE NEIGHBOR'S POOL 274 00:18:21,967 --> 00:18:25,904 RESPONSIBLY!" THE BEVERAGE IS AVAILABLE IN 275 00:18:25,971 --> 00:18:30,843 FOUR FLAVORS, WITH 5% ALCOHOL BY VOLUME: ORIGINAL MOUNTAIN DEW, 276 00:18:30,909 --> 00:18:33,912 BAJA BLAST, BLACK CHERRY, AND WATERMELON. 277 00:18:33,979 --> 00:18:38,350 BUT THEY ALL CONTAIN THE SAME SECRET INGREDIENT: REGRET. 278 00:18:38,417 --> 00:18:41,320 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH EMMA THOMPSON AND PUPPIES! 279 00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:58,737 ( APPLAUSE ) HEY WELCOME BACK EVERYBODY. 280 00:18:58,804 --> 00:19:04,776 AS I'M SURE YOU ALL KNOW, I LOVE DOGS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AND 281 00:19:04,843 --> 00:19:09,548 THEY LOVE ME BACK-- POSSIBLY BECAUSE MY DEODORANT IS 282 00:19:09,615 --> 00:19:16,588 A JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER. AND BECAUSE I LOVE DOGS SO MUCH, 283 00:19:16,655 --> 00:19:18,724 I ALSO LOVE MY SEGMENT "RESCUE DOG RESCUE," WHERE WE HELP FIND 284 00:19:18,790 --> 00:19:20,626 HOMES FOR REAL RESCUE PUPPIES. I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT SO FAR, WE 285 00:19:20,692 --> 00:19:21,860 HAVE A PERFECT RECORD OF EVERY SINGLE DOG WE'VE FEATURED 286 00:19:21,927 --> 00:19:25,497 GETTING ADOPTED! WHICH IS WHY I'M EXCITED TO 287 00:19:25,564 --> 00:19:30,068 ANNOUNCE IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER "RESCUE DOG RESCUE," BROUGHT 288 00:19:30,135 --> 00:19:33,505 TO YOU TONIGHT BY SIMPARICA TRIO! 289 00:19:33,572 --> 00:19:43,815 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 290 00:19:43,882 --> 00:19:48,554 GENTLEMEN, TO "RESCUE DOG RESCUE." 291 00:19:48,620 --> 00:19:49,788 HERE'S HOW SHE WORKS: WE'RE ABOUT TO SHOW YOU SOME ADORABLE 292 00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:52,558 PUPPIES THAT ARE ACTUALLY UP FOR ADOPTION THROUGH NORTH SHORE 293 00:19:52,624 --> 00:19:56,094 ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA. AND THESE DOGS ARE SUPER CUTE, 294 00:19:56,161 --> 00:19:59,565 SUPER ADOPTABLE. BUT TO MAKE THEM SEEM EVEN MORE 295 00:19:59,631 --> 00:20:05,504 ADOPTABLE, WE HAVE MADE UP A SERIES OF FLATTERING LIES ABOUT 296 00:20:05,571 --> 00:20:08,874 EACH OF THEM IN ORDER TO HELP FIND THEM A FOREVER HOME. 297 00:20:08,941 --> 00:20:11,643 NOW, IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME CELEBRITY HERE TO HELP ME. 298 00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:17,482 >> GREAT DOOR! STEPHEN! 299 00:20:17,549 --> 00:20:19,117 >> Stephen: DAME EMMA THOMPSON. Y COW! 300 00:20:19,184 --> 00:20:23,021 WE'LL HAVE THAT FIXED. >> THANK YOU. 301 00:20:23,088 --> 00:20:28,860 >> Stephen: EMMA THOMPSON. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 302 00:20:28,927 --> 00:20:33,498 I GOTTA ASK YOU, EMMA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 303 00:20:33,565 --> 00:20:38,637 >> WELL, WHEN I HEARD THAT THESE DOGS WE'RE ABOUT TO MEET NEEDED 304 00:20:38,704 --> 00:20:43,542 HOMES, I FLEW HERE IMMEDIATELY, FORTHWITH, AND WITHOUT ANY 305 00:20:43,609 --> 00:20:46,445 HESITATION TO HELP YOU WITH THEIR ADOPTION. 306 00:20:46,511 --> 00:20:51,350 >> Stephen: REALLY, YOU FLEW HERE? 307 00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:54,319 YOU FLEW HERE FROM THE U.K. THAT'S AMAZING. 308 00:20:54,386 --> 00:20:58,657 >> BUT OBVIOUSLY NOT TRUE, OF COURSE NOT! 309 00:20:58,724 --> 00:20:59,825 WHAT? NO. 310 00:20:59,891 --> 00:21:01,493 I WAS JUST BACKSTAGE. >> Stephen: OH,. 311 00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:05,631 >> BUT WHAT IT DOES PROVE IS THAT I'M WILLING TO LIE THROUGH 312 00:21:05,697 --> 00:21:08,233 MY TEETH. >> Stephen: THAT'S GOOD 313 00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:09,801 ENOUGH. >> TO THESE GOOD PEOPLE. 314 00:21:09,868 --> 00:21:11,536 YOU DESERVE BETTER. THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING. 315 00:21:11,603 --> 00:21:15,507 SO YOU SHOULD WRITE. "DEAR MR. COLBERT, NEXT TIME GET 316 00:21:15,574 --> 00:21:21,480 A BARE-FACED LIAR FROM THE U.K. TO HELP SELL YOUR DOGS!" 317 00:21:21,546 --> 00:21:28,620 >> Stephen: LET'S DO IT. FIRST UP, THIS LITTLE FELLA 318 00:21:28,687 --> 00:21:32,424 HERE, THIS IS MAX. THIS IS MAX. 319 00:21:32,491 --> 00:21:33,625 MAX CAN SOLVE "THE NEW YORK TIMES" SUNDAY CROSSWORD PUZZLE 320 00:21:33,692 --> 00:21:39,931 IN UNDER EIGHT MINUTES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 321 00:21:39,998 --> 00:21:45,504 WHAT'S A 12-LETTER WORD FOR DESCRIBING MAX? 322 00:21:45,570 --> 00:21:46,772 I HAVE NO IDEA, BUT HE DOES. ( LAUGHTER ) 323 00:21:46,838 --> 00:21:56,882 >> OH, HELLO, DARLING! THIS IS RAPTOR. 324 00:21:56,948 --> 00:22:02,521 THIS DOG, BUT SHE'S VERY LOYAL AND PROMISES THREE DAYS PER 325 00:22:02,587 --> 00:22:07,025 SCHOOL YEAR WHERE SHE WILL BELIEVABLY EAT YOUR HOMEWORK. 326 00:22:07,092 --> 00:22:11,630 ( LAUGHTER ) CHOOSE THEM WISELY. 327 00:22:11,697 --> 00:22:19,705 THERE YOU GO, MY LOVE. >> Stephen: THIS IS ALBERTO. 328 00:22:19,771 --> 00:22:23,642 ALBERTO-- HELLO, ALBERTO. ALBERTO CAN SPEAK TO THE DEAD 329 00:22:23,709 --> 00:22:29,614 ( LAUGHTER ) ( LAUGHTER ) 330 00:22:29,681 --> 00:22:37,489 THERE YOU GO. >> THIS IS KENT. 331 00:22:37,556 --> 00:22:41,660 KENT IS VERY SPECIAL BECAUSE HE'S COME TO LICK ALL MY MAKEUP 332 00:22:41,727 --> 00:22:53,505 OFF. HE IS ALSO A TRAINED SOMMELIER 333 00:22:53,572 --> 00:22:56,575 WHO CAN USE HIS SOPHISTICATED NOSE PALATE TO FIND THE PERFECT 334 00:22:56,641 --> 00:22:58,009 WINE TO COMPLIMENT ANY DISH. HIS PERSONAL FAVORITE IS A 335 00:22:58,076 --> 00:23:00,378 FULL-BODIED BORDEAUX PAIRED WITH HIS OWN BALLS. 336 00:23:00,445 --> 00:23:06,852 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: DAME, DAME, YOU'RE 337 00:23:06,918 --> 00:23:09,521 A DAME. >> I AM, I'M A DAME, YES, THAT'S 338 00:23:09,588 --> 00:23:15,494 CORRECT. >> Stephen: THIS IS BIANCA. 339 00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:16,762 HELLO! THIS IS BIANCA. 340 00:23:16,828 --> 00:23:17,496 BIANCA BARKS, BUT ONLY AT PEOPLE WHO WEAR THEIR MASKS UNDER THEIR 341 00:23:17,562 --> 00:23:21,466 NOSE. IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS. 342 00:23:21,533 --> 00:23:23,635 EITHER WEAR THE THING OR DON'T. BIANCA HAS NO TIME FOR YOUR 343 00:23:23,702 --> 00:23:25,504 HALF-ASSED, PISS-POOR ATTITUDE. ( LAUGHTER ) 344 00:23:25,570 --> 00:23:37,516 >> THIS IS JELLY BEAN. SHE IS A HIGHLY-SKILLED PAINTER 345 00:23:37,582 --> 00:23:46,057 WHO SPENT DECADES-- IN DOG YEARS, THAT IS, OBVIOUSLY-- 346 00:23:46,124 --> 00:23:47,959 TRAINING TO BECOME THE WORLD'S GREATEST LIVING ART FORGER. 347 00:23:48,026 --> 00:23:49,494 SO DID SHE JUST PEE ON YOUR WHITE CARPET, OR DID YOU 348 00:23:49,561 --> 00:23:53,131 ACTUALLY JUST GET YOURSELF A SHAG PILE JACKSON POLLOCK? 349 00:23:53,198 --> 00:24:00,238 IT ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 350 00:24:00,305 --> 00:24:07,646 HELLO. THIS IS TAFFETA. 351 00:24:07,712 --> 00:24:09,414 TAFFETA WILL TUTOR YOUR KIDS FOR THE S.A.T. 352 00:24:09,481 --> 00:24:11,650 SHE'S GREAT AT THE MATH PORTION, BUT I'LL WARN YOU, HER 353 00:24:11,716 --> 00:24:15,687 VOCABULARY IS "ROUGH." WELL, THAT DOES IT FOR "RESCUE 354 00:24:15,754 --> 00:24:19,057 DOG RESCUE"! ( APPLAUSE ) 355 00:24:19,124 --> 00:24:22,060 colbertlateshow.com, FOR INFO ON HOW TO ADOPT THESE DOGS FROM 356 00:24:22,127 --> 00:24:25,497 NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA. 357 00:24:25,564 --> 00:24:29,501 AND YOU CAN SEE EMMA IN "GOOD LUCK TO YOU, LEO GRANDE," 358 00:24:29,568 --> 00:24:31,469 STREAMING NOW ON HULU! EMMA THOMPSON, EVERYBODY. 359 00:24:31,536 --> 00:24:32,571 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. ♪ ♪ ♪ 360 00:25:05,937 --> 00:25:07,105 ( APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK EVERYBODY. 361 00:25:07,172 --> 00:25:08,273 THANK YOU, MARK. THAT ONE? 362 00:25:08,340 --> 00:25:14,412 THIS ONE RIGHT HERE? WELCOME BACK, FOLKS. 363 00:25:14,479 --> 00:25:18,984 MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A FILMMAKER AND AUTHOR YOU KNOW FROM MOVIES 364 00:25:19,050 --> 00:25:20,352 LIKE "AGUIRRE, THE WRATH OF GOD," "FITZCARRALDO," AND 365 00:25:20,418 --> 00:25:23,521 "GRIZZLY MAN." HE HAS JUST WRITTEN HIS FIRST 366 00:25:23,588 --> 00:25:25,390 NOVEL, "THE TWILIGHT WORLD." PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE 367 00:25:25,457 --> 00:25:29,361 SHOW," WERNER HERZOG! ♪ ♪ ♪ 368 00:25:29,427 --> 00:25:44,309 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH 369 00:25:44,376 --> 00:25:47,612 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH 370 00:25:47,679 --> 00:25:49,614 FOR BEING HERE. >> A JOY TO BE BACK. 371 00:25:49,681 --> 00:25:53,218 >> Stephen: IT HAS BEEN 11 YEARS SINCE I'VE INTERVIEWED 372 00:25:53,285 --> 00:25:55,153 YOU. THE FIRST TIME I INTERVIEWED YOU 373 00:25:55,220 --> 00:25:58,456 WAS ON THE "COLBERT REPORT." AND I WAS IN CHARACTER THERE. 374 00:25:58,523 --> 00:26:04,663 WE TALKED ABOUT "CAVE OF FORGOTTEN DREAMS, RADIOACTIVE 375 00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:07,265 ALBINO ALLIGATORS AND EVERYTHING. 376 00:26:07,332 --> 00:26:09,100 >> MUTANTS. >> Stephen: MUTANTS, EXACTLY. 377 00:26:09,167 --> 00:26:12,470 I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE, BUT I'M SO GLAD TO TALK TO YOU OUT 378 00:26:12,537 --> 00:26:14,806 OF CHARACTER. HERE'S THE THING-- YOU HAVE 379 00:26:14,873 --> 00:26:19,077 BECOME TO THE PUBLIC AT LARGE SOMETHING OF A CHARACTER 380 00:26:19,144 --> 00:26:20,946 YOURSELF. THERE IS THE CHARACTER OF WERNER 381 00:26:21,012 --> 00:26:24,182 HERZOG. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU REPRESENT 382 00:26:24,249 --> 00:26:27,252 TO PEOPLE? >> WELL, IT'S A DANGEROUS 383 00:26:27,319 --> 00:26:30,822 SUBJECT, BECAUSE IT'S JUST ME AND NOTHING ELSE. 384 00:26:30,889 --> 00:26:37,929 AND I TRY TO STAY AWAY FROM CATEGORIZATION AND PLAYING 385 00:26:37,996 --> 00:26:39,197 ROLES. ALTHOUGH, WE SHOULD NOT FORGET 386 00:26:39,264 --> 00:26:45,036 THAT ALL OF US ARE IN SOME SORT OF THEATER THAT WE CREATE FOR 387 00:26:45,103 --> 00:26:48,873 OURSELVES, AND WE BEHAVE AND WE ARE PERFORMING WHEN YOU ARE IN 388 00:26:48,940 --> 00:26:51,276 CHURCH, FOR EXAMPLE, YOU ARE PERFORMATIVE. 389 00:26:51,343 --> 00:26:54,713 WHEN YOU YOU ARE BEST MAN IN A WEDDING, YOU'RE PERFORMATIVE. 390 00:26:54,779 --> 00:26:58,817 WHEN YOU TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN. SO WE HAVE SETTLED IN, IN SOME 391 00:26:58,883 --> 00:27:01,686 SORT OF A PERFORMATIVE LIFE. >> Stephen: THAT IS THE WERNER 392 00:27:01,753 --> 00:27:06,257 HERZOG STUFF I'M TALKING ABOUT RIGHT THERE. 393 00:27:06,324 --> 00:27:09,094 THAT IS PURE UNCUT HERZOG. ONE OF THE THINGS THAT YOU'VE 394 00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:11,129 BEEN PRODUCING LATELY IS A NEW BOOK. 395 00:27:11,196 --> 00:27:18,069 THIS IS YOUR FIRST NOVEL. IT'S CALLED "THE TWILIGHT 396 00:27:18,136 --> 00:27:20,672 WORLD." AND THIS IS FASCINATING TO ME 397 00:27:20,739 --> 00:27:24,075 BECAUSE IT IS ABOUT HIROO ONODA, WHO-- FOR THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T 398 00:27:24,142 --> 00:27:25,377 KNOW, EXPLAIN TO THE PEOPLE WHO HIROO ONODA WAS. 399 00:27:25,443 --> 00:27:30,281 >> HE WAS THE LAST JAPANESE SOLDIER WHO SURRENDERED AFTER 400 00:27:30,348 --> 00:27:37,088 THE END OF THE SECOND WORLD WAR. BUT IT WAS 29 YEARS AFTER THE 401 00:27:37,155 --> 00:27:39,958 WAR HAD ENDED. HE WAS ON THE PHILIPPINE ISLAND, 402 00:27:40,025 --> 00:27:46,664 LEFT ALONE, AND HE HAD ORDERS, KEEP THE ISLAND OCCUPIED UNTIL 403 00:27:46,731 --> 00:27:53,071 THE IMPERIAL ARMY RETURNS. SO HE STAYED IN THE JUNGLE, AND 404 00:27:53,138 --> 00:27:56,908 HE WOULD HAVE SKIRMISHES AND HAD SURVIVED AMBUSHES. 405 00:27:56,975 --> 00:28:00,712 AND HE TOOK EVERY LITTLE PIECE AS EVERYTHING THAT HE FOUND, 406 00:28:00,779 --> 00:28:04,149 THAT THE WAR WAS STILL GOING ON. >> Stephen: FOR 29 YEARS? 407 00:28:04,215 --> 00:28:06,651 WHAT EVIDENCE? >> FOR EXAMPLE, LEAFLETS WERE 408 00:28:06,718 --> 00:28:10,522 THROWN DOWN FROM PLANES, ASKING HIM TO SURRENDER. 409 00:28:10,588 --> 00:28:14,192 AND SOME OF THE JAPANESE CHARACTERS WERE MISSPELLED. 410 00:28:14,259 --> 00:28:18,897 SO HE KNEW IMMEDIATELY THAT MUST HAVE BEEN THE ENEMY'S SECRET 411 00:28:18,963 --> 00:28:23,001 SERVICE, THE AMERICAN SECRET SERVICE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO 412 00:28:23,068 --> 00:28:27,005 SPELL CORRECTLY. THEN HE WOULD SEE HUNDREDS OF 413 00:28:27,072 --> 00:28:31,743 AIRPLANES, WARPLANES GOING OVERHEAD AND MOVING WEST. 414 00:28:31,810 --> 00:28:37,082 BUT IT WAS ALREADY THE NEXT WAR, THAT WAS THE KOREAN WAR. 415 00:28:37,148 --> 00:28:44,122 THEN YEARS LATER, B-52 BOMBERS, AIRCRAFT CARRIERS AND 416 00:28:44,189 --> 00:28:45,957 BATTLESHIPS, ALL PASSING BY GOING WEST. 417 00:28:46,024 --> 00:28:49,794 THAT IS YET THE NEXT WAR. THAT WAS THE VIETNAM WAR FOR 418 00:28:49,861 --> 00:28:56,034 EIGHT OR NINE YEARS HE SEES THAT. 419 00:28:56,101 --> 00:28:59,170 AND HE WAS HUNTED. HIS LAST TWO COMRADES WERE SHOT 420 00:28:59,237 --> 00:29:06,344 DEAD IN AMBUSHES. AND HE SURVIVED 111 AMBUSHES AND 421 00:29:06,411 --> 00:29:07,545 SKIRMISHES. AND FINALLY SURRENDERED. 422 00:29:07,612 --> 00:29:10,081 >> Stephen: NOW, HOW DID THEY FINALLY GET HIM TO SURRENDER? 423 00:29:10,148 --> 00:29:20,892 >> WELL, A YOUNG MAN DROPPED OUT FROM UNIVERSITY HAD THREE GOALS 424 00:29:20,959 --> 00:29:27,465 IN LIFE: HAVE A MEETING AND ENCOUNTER WITH THE ABOMINABLE 425 00:29:27,532 --> 00:29:30,969 SNOWMAN, AND FIND THE PANDA BEAR IN CHINA IN ITS NATURAL HABITAT. 426 00:29:31,035 --> 00:29:38,076 SO HE SETS OUT TO LUBANG ISLAND IN THE PHILIPPINES, AND WITHIN A 427 00:29:38,143 --> 00:29:41,846 DAY, HE STUMBLES INTO HIM AND ALMOST SHOOT HIM DEAD. 428 00:29:41,913 --> 00:29:45,817 THE JAPANESE GUY SHOUTS OUT, "NO, NO, I'M JAPANESE! 429 00:29:45,884 --> 00:29:47,819 I'M JAPANESE! AND I'M ONLY 22 YEARS OLD, AND 430 00:29:47,886 --> 00:29:54,058 NICE TO MEET YOU." SO FOR AN ENTIRE NIGHT, HE TELLS 431 00:29:54,125 --> 00:29:58,796 ONODA WHAT HAS HAPPENED IN THE LAST 29 YEARS, AND HE IS HALFWAY 432 00:29:58,863 --> 00:30:01,699 CONVINCED, AND HE SAYS, "WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO TOKYO, 433 00:30:01,766 --> 00:30:07,805 BRING ONE OF MY FORMER COMMANDING OFFICERS, AND ONLY IF 434 00:30:07,872 --> 00:30:10,742 I RECEIVE COMPETENT MILITARY ORDERS, I'M GOING TO SURRENDER." 435 00:30:10,808 --> 00:30:15,647 SO THREE WEEKS LATER, HIS FORMERLY MAJOR ARRIVES, 88 YEARS 436 00:30:15,713 --> 00:30:25,156 OLD, AND TELLS HIM TO SURRENDER, AND HE DOES SO, THIS PHILIPPINE 437 00:30:25,223 --> 00:30:28,426 HONOR GUARD STANDING AT ATTENTION AND HANDS OVER HIS 438 00:30:28,493 --> 00:30:34,165 RIFLE HE HAS KEPT IMPECCABLY RUST FREE FOR 29 YEARS IN THE 439 00:30:34,232 --> 00:30:38,503 JUNGLE, HANDS OVER HIS SWORD TO THE HIGHEST GENERAL OF THE 440 00:30:38,570 --> 00:30:41,072 PHILIPPINE ARMY AND HE IMMEDIATELY HANDS IT BACK AND 441 00:30:41,139 --> 00:30:44,442 SAYS, "THE TRUE SAMURAI KEEPS HIS SWORD." 442 00:30:44,509 --> 00:30:45,777 SO IT WAS -- >> Stephen: WHAT WAS THE 443 00:30:45,843 --> 00:30:50,748 REACTION BACK IN JAPAN? ( APPLAUSE ) 444 00:30:50,815 --> 00:31:00,758 TALKING ABOUT IT. IT WAS AS IF FOR AN ENTIRE 445 00:31:00,825 --> 00:31:05,597 MINUTE THE HEARTS IN JAPAN STOOD STILL WHEN IT WAS ANNOUNCED OVER 446 00:31:05,663 --> 00:31:11,302 THE RADIO, BECAUSE IT WAS KNOWN ALL THE TIME THAT THEY WERE 447 00:31:11,369 --> 00:31:14,872 STILL SEARCHING FOR ONODA. AND THE HEART STOPPED BEATING. 448 00:31:14,939 --> 00:31:19,577 NOBODY TOOK A BREATH FOR 60 SECONDS. 449 00:31:19,644 --> 00:31:24,282 AND THEN JAPAN CAME BACK AND THEY SALUTE-- THEY GREETED HIM 450 00:31:24,349 --> 00:31:27,819 LIKE A GREAT ROCK STAR. >> Stephen: NOW, IN MOST OF 451 00:31:27,885 --> 00:31:36,361 THE WORLD, PEOPLE SEE ONODA AS MISGUIDED, SORT OF HAVING WASTED 452 00:31:36,427 --> 00:31:41,099 29 YEARS, SORT OF A FOOLISH FIGURE, IF ONE GUIDED BY ORDERS. 453 00:31:41,165 --> 00:31:44,469 WHAT IS YOUR VIEW OF WHAT HE DID, THE DECISION HE MADE TO 454 00:31:44,535 --> 00:31:47,372 KEEP FIGHTING? >> WELL, HE-- THE ORDERS WERE 455 00:31:47,438 --> 00:31:49,340 "YOU HAVE TO SET YOUR OWN RULES." 456 00:31:49,407 --> 00:31:54,145 SO HE WAS NOT UNDER DIRECT ORDERS. 457 00:31:54,212 --> 00:32:00,318 HE SETTLED INTO THE JUNGLE AND FOUGHT THE WAR WITHOUT ANY 458 00:32:00,385 --> 00:32:05,757 COMMANDER AROUND ANYMORE. AND, OF COURSE, IT'S TRAGIC 459 00:32:05,823 --> 00:32:12,130 BECAUSE IT WAS NOT FOOLISH. IT WAS TRAGIC BECAUSE HE LIVED A 460 00:32:12,196 --> 00:32:17,468 LIFE, LIVED THE LIFE OF A SOLDIER IN A FICTITIOUS WAR THAT 461 00:32:17,535 --> 00:32:22,540 WAS COMPLETE REALITY FOR HIM. AND HE ORGANIZED EVERY SINGLE 462 00:32:22,607 --> 00:32:27,679 PIECE OF EVIDENCE AS IF IT WAS ARTICLES OF FAITH. 463 00:32:27,745 --> 00:32:35,286 SO ALMOST LIKE RELIGIOUS, STRANGE RELIGIOUS BELIEF SYSTEMS 464 00:32:35,353 --> 00:32:37,622 ORIGINATE. AND I AM ASKING MYSELF WHO WAS 465 00:32:37,689 --> 00:32:41,092 THE GHOST WRITER OF HIS ACTIONS? WHO IS THE GHOST WRITER OF WHAT 466 00:32:41,159 --> 00:32:46,130 WE ARE DOING RIGHT HERE? >> Stephen: IT'S THE SPONSORS, 467 00:32:46,197 --> 00:32:48,199 I THINK. ( LAUGHTER ) 468 00:32:48,266 --> 00:32:50,568 >> YES. >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A 469 00:32:50,635 --> 00:32:53,338 QUICK BREAK. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'LL 470 00:32:53,404 --> 00:32:55,673 HAVE MORE WERNER HERZOG, EVERYBODY, STICK AROUND. 471 00:33:07,852 --> 00:33:10,722 ( APPLAUSE ) WE'RE BACK WITH THE AUTHOR OF 472 00:33:10,788 --> 00:33:14,325 THE NEW BOOK "THE TWILIGHT WORLD," WERNER HERZOG. 473 00:33:14,392 --> 00:33:18,696 YOU HAVE SUCH AN ICONIC VOICE, AND I WAS HOPING THAT WE COULD-- 474 00:33:18,763 --> 00:33:22,967 WE COULD USE YOUR ICONIC VOICE TO TELL A FEW JOKES. 475 00:33:23,034 --> 00:33:26,838 >> OH, MY GOODNESS. >> Stephen: THEY'RE FAIRLY-- 476 00:33:26,904 --> 00:33:29,374 FAIRLY SIMPLE JOKES. I'LL DO THEM WITH YOU, IF YOU 477 00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:32,076 DON'T MIND. >> ALL RIGHT YOU SAY THE LINES 478 00:33:32,143 --> 00:33:34,712 THAT ARE IN BOLD, AND I'LL SAY THE OTHER LINES. 479 00:33:34,779 --> 00:33:38,983 >> OKAY, KNOCK, KNOCK. >> Stephen: WHO'S THERE? 480 00:33:39,050 --> 00:33:46,724 >> AB BOO. >> Stephen: BOO WHO? 481 00:33:46,791 --> 00:33:50,695 >> DO NOT CRY. >> Stephen: THAT'S REALLY 482 00:33:50,762 --> 00:33:52,196 GOOD, THAT'S REALLY GOOD. YOU GOT IT. 483 00:33:52,263 --> 00:33:55,533 LET'S DO ANOTHER ONE. THAT'S YOU, JUST YOU SAY THAT 484 00:33:55,600 --> 00:33:57,668 LINE. >> TWO PEANUTS WERE WALKING DOWN 485 00:33:57,735 --> 00:34:02,440 THE STREET, AND ONE WAS-- ONE WAS A SALTED. 486 00:34:02,507 --> 00:34:07,278 ( LAUGHTER ) >> OKAY. 487 00:34:07,345 --> 00:34:13,985 ( APPLAUSE ). WERNER. 488 00:34:14,051 --> 00:34:17,388 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, HAVE A 489 00:34:17,455 --> 00:34:18,723 SEAT. "THE TWILIGHT WORLD" IS ON SALE 490 00:34:18,790 --> 00:34:20,525 NOW. WERNER HERZOG, EVERYBODY! 491 00:34:20,591 --> 00:34:23,594 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY ROGER WATERS. 492 00:34:44,081 --> 00:34:46,851 >> Stephen: MY MUSICAL GUEST IS THE FOUNDING MEMBER AND CREATIVE 493 00:34:46,918 --> 00:34:49,787 FORCE BEHIND PINK FLOYD. PERFORMING A MEDLEY OF "THE 494 00:34:49,854 --> 00:34:52,523 HAPPIEST DAYS OF OUR LIVES" AND "ANOTHER BRICK IN THE WALL, 495 00:34:52,590 --> 00:34:57,695 PARTS, 2 AND 3," ROGER WATERS! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 496 00:34:57,762 --> 00:34:59,163 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> YOU YES, YOU 497 00:34:59,230 --> 00:35:08,573 STAND STILL, LADDIE ♪ ♪ ♪ 498 00:35:26,691 --> 00:35:28,526 ♪ WHEN WE GREW UP AND WENT TO SCHOOL 499 00:35:28,593 --> 00:35:35,099 ♪ THERE WERE CERTAIN TEACHERS WHO WOULD HURT THE CHILDREN 500 00:35:35,166 --> 00:35:43,107 ♪ IN ANY WAY THEY COULD BY POURING THEIR DERISION 501 00:35:43,174 --> 00:35:47,912 ♪ UPON ANYTHING WE DID EXPOSING EVERY WEAKNESS 502 00:35:47,979 --> 00:35:53,284 ♪ HOWEVER CAREFULLY HIDDEN BY THE KID 503 00:35:53,351 --> 00:35:56,787 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 504 00:35:59,156 --> 00:36:00,358 ♪ BUT IN THE TOWN, IT WAS WELL KNOWN, 505 00:36:00,424 --> 00:36:03,094 ♪ WHEN THEY GOT HOME AT NIGHT THEIR FAT 506 00:36:03,160 --> 00:36:05,329 ♪ AND PSYCHOPATHIC WIVES WOULD THRASH THEM 507 00:36:05,396 --> 00:36:11,102 ♪ WITHIN INCHES OF THEIR LIVES ♪ ♪ ♪ 508 00:36:11,168 --> 00:36:15,139 ♪ ♪ ♪ 509 00:36:24,916 --> 00:36:26,551 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 510 00:36:26,617 --> 00:36:31,756 ♪ WE DON'T NEED NO EDUCATION 511 00:36:31,822 --> 00:36:35,092 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 512 00:36:35,159 --> 00:36:39,230 ♪ WE DON'T NEED NO THOUGHT CONTROL 513 00:36:39,297 --> 00:36:45,803 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 514 00:36:45,870 --> 00:36:50,608 ♪ NO DARK SARCASM IN THE CLASSROOM 515 00:36:50,675 --> 00:36:53,277 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 516 00:36:53,344 --> 00:36:59,083 ♪ TEACHER, LEAVE THEM KIDS ALONE 517 00:36:59,150 --> 00:37:03,087 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 518 00:37:03,154 --> 00:37:07,091 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ HEY, TEACHER, 519 00:37:07,158 --> 00:37:12,897 LEAVE THEM KIDS ALONE ♪ ♪ ♪ 520 00:37:12,964 --> 00:37:15,232 ♪ ALL IN ALL IT'S JUST ANOTHER 521 00:37:15,299 --> 00:37:23,107 ♪ BRICK IN THE WALL ALL IN ALL 522 00:37:23,174 --> 00:37:27,078 ♪ YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER BRICK IN THE WALL 523 00:37:27,144 --> 00:37:31,082 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 524 00:37:31,148 --> 00:37:46,030 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 525 00:37:46,097 --> 00:37:51,102 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 526 00:37:51,168 --> 00:38:06,050 ♪ ( GUITAR SOLO ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 527 00:38:06,117 --> 00:38:15,092 ♪ ( GUITAR SOLO ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 528 00:38:15,159 --> 00:38:23,100 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( GUITAR SOLO ) ♪ 529 00:38:23,167 --> 00:38:38,049 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 530 00:38:38,115 --> 00:38:43,087 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 531 00:38:43,154 --> 00:38:45,856 ♪ WE DON'T NEED NO 532 00:38:55,166 --> 00:39:10,047 ♪ WE DON'T NEED NO DRUGS TO CALM ME 533 00:39:10,114 --> 00:39:15,086 ♪ WE DON'T NEED NO DRUGS TO CALM ME 534 00:39:15,152 --> 00:39:24,562 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 535 00:39:24,628 --> 00:39:31,602 DON'T THINK I NEED ANYTHING ♪ AT ALL 536 00:39:31,669 --> 00:39:35,106 ALL IN ALL, ♪ IT WAS ALL JUST 537 00:39:35,172 --> 00:39:41,278 BRICKS IN THE WALL ♪ ALL IN ALL, 538 00:39:41,345 --> 00:39:47,084 YOU WERE ALL JUST ♪ BRICKS IN THE WALL 539 00:39:47,151 --> 00:39:50,721 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 540 00:39:50,788 --> 00:39:52,356 ♪ ALL IN ALL, YOU WERE ALL JUST 541 00:39:52,423 --> 00:39:53,524 ♪ BRICKS IN THE WALL ♪ ♪ ♪ 542 00:39:53,591 --> 00:39:59,096 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ALL IN ALL, 543 00:39:59,163 --> 00:40:03,100 YOU WERE ALL JUST ♪ BRICKS IN THE WALL 544 00:40:03,167 --> 00:40:05,269 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 545 00:40:05,336 --> 00:40:07,738 ♪ 546 00:40:07,805 --> 00:40:08,172 ARGUMENTS AROUND ME 547 00:40:08,372 --> 00:40:08,739 IT WAS ALL JUST BRICK 548 00:40:09,573 --> 00:40:16,380 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HIS TOUR, "THIS IS NOT A DRILL," 549 00:40:16,447 --> 00:40:19,483 KICKS OFF JULY 6. ROGER WATERS, EVERYBODY! 550 00:40:19,550 --> 00:40:22,520 THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS 551 00:40:22,586 --> 00:40:24,655 WILL BE TAIKA WAITITI AND DAVID SEDARIS. 552 00:40:24,722 --> 00:40:25,322 GOOD NIGHT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )