THE COMITTEE ALSO UNVAILED NEW INFORMATION ABOUT PREVIOUSLY
UNKNOWN ACTIVITY INVOLVING WISCONSIN'S REPUBLICAN SENATOR
RON JOHNSON. HIS AIDE OFFERED TO HAND DELIVER
FAKE ELECTORS TO VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE ON JANUARY 6.
>> SENATOR RON JOHNSON MADE VERY CLEAR TO REPORTERS THAT HE DOES
NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TO THE POINT WHERE HE WILL FAKE BEING
ON THE PHONE TO AVOID ANSWERING THEIR QUESTIONS ABOUT IT.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: WHAT'S UP, DOC?
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: TAIKA WAITITI
AND DAVID SEDARIS
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )
IT. >> Stephen: WHOT YOU GONNA
CALL? PLEASE, EVERYBODY, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH. VERY KIND.
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
THE. I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S BEEN THIS WAY ALL DAY. IT'S A CLOUDY DAY IN NEW YORK
CITY, BUT IN D.C., THE JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE IS SHEDDING LIGHT
ON THE ELECTION SCHEMES THE FORMER PRESIDENT YANKED FROM
WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE. THE ELECTORAL CONSPIRACY THEY
FOCUSED ON YESTERDAY WAS THE BRAINCHILD OF DISGRACED LAWYER
JOHN EASTMAN, SEEN HERE ORCHESTRATING A FAILED COVER-UP
OF HIS SCALP. ( LAUGHTER )
WITH THE PLAN TO SEND ALTERNATE SLATES OF FAKE ELECTORS TO
WASHINGTON FROM BATTLEGROUND STATES THAT BIDEN HAD WON.
AND ONE OF THOSE STATES WAS WISCONSIN, AND THE COMMITTEE
REVEALED A DAMNING MEMO PUSHING FOR ALTERNATE ELECTORS FROM THE
FORMER PRESIDENT'S WISCONSIN LAWYER, KENNETH CHESEBRO.
( LAUGHTER ) A LAWYER FROM WISCONSIN NAME
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NAMED CHEESE-BRO?
YOU MUST "BRIE" JOKING. ( LAUGHTER )
WHAT'S NEXT, AN ATTEMPT TO FLIP ARIZONA BY PHILIP
TURQUOISE-BOLO-TIE- IN-THE-SHAPE-OF-A-CACTUS-DUDE"?
THESE FRAUDULENT WISCONSIN ELECTORS ARE PROVING TO BE AN
EMBARRASSMENT FOR WISCONSIN SENATOR AND WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WHEN A GHOST DIES, RON JOHNSON. YESTERDAY, THE COMMITTEE
EXPLAINED RON JOHNSON'S ROLE IN THE SCHEME.
>> A STAFFER FOR WISCONSIN SENATOR RON JOHNSON TEXTED A
STAFFER FOR VICE PRESIDENT PENCE JUST MINUTES BEFORE THE
BEGINNING OF THE JOINT SESSION. THIS STAFFER STATED THAT SENATOR
JOHNSON WISHED TO HAND DELIVER TO THE VICE PRESIDENT THE FAKE
ELECTORS' VOTES FROM MICHIGAN AND WISCONSIN.
THE VICE PRESIDENT'S AIDE UNAMBIGUOUSLY INSTRUCTED THEM
NOT TO DELIVER THE FAKE VOTES TO THE VICE PRESIDENT.
>> Stephen: OKAY, I'D SAY THAT'S A SMOKING GUN, BUT REPUBLICANS
CONSIDER THAT A COMPLIMENT. ( LAUGHTER )
QUICKLY TRIED TO DISTANCE HIMSELF FROM THE ENVELOPE
OF FAKE ELECTORS, CLAIMING, HE WAS AWARE THAT HIS OFFICE HAD
RECEIVED A PACKAGE BUT HAD NO IDEA WHO DELIVERED IT.
NEVERTHELESS, SAID HIS OFFICE ATTEMPTED TO FACILITATE THE
DELIVERY OF THE PACKAGE. SO, HE HAS NO IDEA WHERE IT CAME
FROM, NO IDEA WHO GAVE IT TO HIM, NO IDEA WHAT IT IS,
BUT HE CAN'T WAIT TO HAND DELIVER IT TO THE
SECOND-IN-COMMAND. COULD HAVE BEEN ANYTHING IN THAT
ENVELOPE: FAKE ELECTORS, BEES, NAKED PICTURES OF MARY TODD
LINCOLN. IT DON'T NEAR THE RON.
HE'S JUST A DELIVERY BOY. NOW, MOST HISTORIANS AGREE, RON
JOHNSON IS THE DUMBEST PERSON EVER TO SIT IN THE UNITED STATES
SENATE. BUT STILL, STILL--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) STILL SHOCKING.
YOU KNOW THOSE ANNOUNCEMENTS IN THE AIRPORT WHEN THEY SAY,
"DON'T CARRY ONTO THE FLIGHT A PACKAGE FOR SOMEONE YOU DON'T
KNOW"? I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED WHO THOSE
ANNOUNCEMENTS ARE FOR. TURNS OUT, IT'S RON JOHNSON.
( AS JOHNSON ) WHAT?
HUH? WHAT'S THAT?
WHAT'S THAT, STRANGER? SURE I'LL TAKE YOUR BAG ON THE
AIRPLANE? OH, AND YOU HAVE SOME BALLOONS
FILLED WITH WHITE POWDER? AND YOU WANT ME TO PUT THEM
WHERE? OKEY-DOKE."
( LAUGHTER ) TRIED TO AVOID TALKING TO
REPORTERS, BUT LIKE MOST THINGS, HE'S NOT VERY GOOD AT THAT.
>> HOW MUCH DID YOU KNOW ABOUT WHAT YOUR CHIEF OF STAFF WAS
DOING WITH THE ALTERNATE SLATES OF THE ELECTORS?
>> I'M ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW. >> NO, YOU'RE NOT.
I CAN SEE YOUR PHONE. I CAN SEE YOUR SCREEN.
( AS JOHNSON, MIMING PHONE ) THROUGH A TUNNEL!
CAN'T TALK. I'M IN THE SHOWER!
WAIT, I'M TRAPPED IN A BOX. OH, IT'S RAINING, BETTER PUT UP
THIS UMBRELLA. OH, IT'S SO WINDY.
IT'S SO WINDY. HELP ME, MARY POPPIN'S, HELP
ME!" ( APPLAUSE )
ARE MAKING THE COMMITTEE'S CASE POWERFULLY.
AND A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE WATCHING, AND ONE OF THOSE
PEOPLE IS FORMER PRESIDENT P.P. BARNUM.
I'M SURE HE DOESN'T WANT TO WATCH, BUT THEY'VE TRAPPED HIM
WITH HIS BIGGEST WEAKNESS: MENTIONING HIS NAME.
REPORTEDLY, HE'S TUCKED AWAY AT HIS BEDMINSTER GOLF CLUB,
VENTING HIS FRUSTRATIONS TO NEARLY ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN.
THAT'S GOTTA BE TOUGH ON THE STAFF:
"YES, SIR. IT DOES SOUND LIKE A ONE-SIDED
WITCH HUNT. NOW, DO YOU WANT YOUR USUAL
OMELETTE, HAM AND CHOCOLATE CHIPS?"
( LAUGHTER ) HEARINGS ARE DIGNIFIED, CLEAR,
AND DAMNING. AND HE PUTS THE BLAME FOR ALL
THAT ON HOUSE MINORITY LEADER AND SCHOOL HAMSTER WHO'S HAD
ENOUGH... ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) CHANCE TO APPOINT MEMBERS TO THE
PANEL, BUT INSTEAD CHOSE TO BOYCOTT IT.
NOW THE FORMER PRESIDENT SAYS, "I THINK, IN RETROSPECT,
McCARTHY SHOULD'VE PUT REPUBLICANS ON, TO JUST HAVE A
VOICE. THE REPUBLICANS DON'T HAVE A
VOICE. THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING
TO SAY." >> Stephen: WELL, I'M GONNA FACT
CHECK YOU THERE. EIGHT OF THE 12 LIVE WITNESSES
HAVE BEEN REPUBLICANS. REPUBLICANS HAVE SOMETHING TO
SAY EVERY DAY. USUALLY IT'S, "RUDY GIULIANI
LEFT ME 200 DRUNK VOICEMAILS TELLING ME IF I DON'T FLIP
ARIZONA, HE'S GONNA HOLD ME DOWN AND DRIP HEAD JUICE INTO MY
MOUTH." ( LAUGHTER )
THE REASON... THE REASON... ♪ WHO YOU GONNA CALL ♪
THE REASON THE EX-PREZ WANTS HIS PEOPLE ON THERE IS THAT THEY
WOULD'VE GIVEN HIM ADVANCE KNOWLEDGE OF THE SUBPOENAS,
TAPED DEPOSITIONS, AND OTHER EVIDENCE COLLECTED BY THE PANEL,
AND MADE PROCEDURAL MOTIONS TO DISRUPT THE FLOW OF THE
HEARINGS. AND ANYONE WHO HAS WATCHED THE
FORMER PRESIDENT DANCE KNOWS HOW HIS MOTION DISRUPTS FLOW.
LAUGH NOW, THERE'S NO-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OUT EVERY DAY FROM THE PANEL. YESTERDAY, WE LEARNED THAT THE
SELECT COMMITTEE HAS SUBPOENAED DOCUMENTARY FILMMAKER ALEX
HOLDER, WHO STARTED FILMING THE FORMER PRESIDENT IN
SEPTEMBER OF 2020 FOR A PROJECT ON HIS REELECTION CAMPAIGN, AND
FILMED UP TO AND INCLUDING JANUARY 6th.
AND HE JUST TURNED OVER RAW FOOTAGE PERTAINING TO
DISCUSSIONS OF ELECTION FRAUD IN THE 2020 ELECTION, AS WELL
AS INTERVIEWS WITH THE FORMER PRESIDENT, MIKE PENCE, DON JR.,
IVANKA, ERIC, AND JARED KUSHNER. SO THE JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE
COULD PLAY ACTUAL DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE OF THESE DINGUSES IN
THEIR TELEVISED HEARINGS. IN OTHER WORDS, THE FORMER
PRESIDENT MIGHT FINALLY BE BROUGHT DOWN BY HIS CLOSEST
ALLIES: >> PERSON, WOMAN, MAN,
CAMERA, TV. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
STILL GOT IT. HOLDER WILL BE DEPOSED BY THE
COMMITTEE TOMORROW, BUT RELEASED A STATEMENT SAYING, "WHEN WE
BEGAN THIS PROJECT IN SEPTEMBER OF 2020, WE COULD HAVE NEVER
PREDICTED THAT OUR WORK WOULD ONE DAY BE SUBPOENAED BY
CONGRESS." HOW WERE YOU SO SURPRISED?
EVERYONE THE FORMER PRESIDENT KNOWS GETS SUBPOENAED.
WE'RE ONE WEEK AWAY FROM LIZ CHENEY SWEARING IN GRIMACE.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, IT IS POSSIBLE THAT NOT
EVERYONE IN THE WHITE HOUSE KNEW THIS DOCUMENTARY WAS BEING SHOT.
IT'S SUBTLE, BUT SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT IT.
A "ROLLING STONE" REPORTER ASKED ONE OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S
CAMPAIGN STAFF FOR A COMMENT ABOUT THE REVELATION ABOUT THE
FOOTAGE AND THAT PERSON REPLIED, "WHAT THE ( BLEEP ) IS THIS?"
( APPLAUSE ) 2016, WHEN HE WON.
( LAUGHTER ) NOTICE THE FILM CREW HANGING
AROUND THE WHITE HOUSE? THAT SEEMS WEIRD.
BUT TO BE FAIR, THERE WAS A LOT OF DISTRACTIONS:
PILLOWS BEING HAWKED BY MIKE LINDELL, SPEECHES BEING GIVEN BY
KID ROCK, THE EASTER EGG ROLL HOSTED BY VECNA.
( LAUGHTER ) CAMPAIGN TRAIL ON TV MEDICAL
SCAMMER AND CRUISE SHIP MAGICIAN WHO'D LIKE TO MAKE YOUR HUSBAND
DISAPPEAR, DR. OZ. DURING HIS REPUBLICAN PRIMARY,
OZ'S WHOLE CAMPAIGN PLATFORM WAS "HEY, I'M FRIENDS WITH THE
FORMER PRESIDENT." BUT NOW THAT OZ SQUEAKED THROUGH
TO THE GENERAL ELECTION AND HAS TO GET VOTES OUTSIDE OF THE
REPUBLICAN BASE, HE'S QUIETLY SHIFTING HIS CAMPAIGN MESSAGING
AWAY FROM THE EX-PRESIDENT. SO, BASICALLY, OZ IS SAYING,
"PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN!"
BUT, THE FACT IS, HE'S LYING, HE'S COWARDLY.
HE'S A COWARDLY LION. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HE IS A COWARDLY LION. HE IS.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT HOW QUIETLY HE'S SHIFTING HIS MESSAGE.
HERE'S HIS TWITTER BANNER FROM BACK IN THE PRIMARY.
IT'S RED, HE'S GOT HIS BEST BUD THERE, THE ENDORSEMENT IS
EMBLAZONED ACROSS THE MIDDLE-- CLEARLY, A MAGA REPUBLICAN.
AND NOW, OOPS-A-CADABRA! ALL BLUE, NO EX-PREZ.
THAT'S A PRETTY EXTREME MAKEOVER.
THAT'S LIKE IF ARBY'S WENT FROM "WE HAVE THE MEATS" TO "I'VE
NEVER SEEN THOSE MEATS BEFORE IN MY LIFE."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE TAIKA WAITITI AND AUTHOR DAVID SEDARIS.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, THE C.D.C. TEACHES YOU HOW TO GO
FROM SICK TO SEXY, MONKEY-STYLE! STICK AROUND
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK! GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND
EVERYBODY IN STAY HUMAN. THERE YOU GO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HAPPY WEDNESDAY, Y'ALL.
HOPE YOU B GUYS ARE DOING WELL. TONIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN--
AND I INCLUDE EVERYBODY IN THE BAND AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
YOU'RE ALL LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OVER THERE, PROUD TO SHARE THE
STAGE WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT. WE HAVE WONDERFUL GUESTS.
A LITERARY TREASURE FOR AMERICA, MR. DAVI SEDARIS, AUTHOR...
>> Louis: YES, YES. >> Stephen: PILANTHROPIST.
AND TAIKA WAITITI WILL BE OUT HERE IN A WHILE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). FOLKS, THESE DAYS, THE NEWS IS
SO FULL OF TOUGH SUBJECTS THAT ARE HARD TO DISCUSS.
AND WHAT THAT MEANS ON A PRACTICAL LEVEL IS THAT THE
FEEL-GOOD STORY IS... MONKEYPOX!
I'LL CATCH YOU UP IN THE LATEST INSTALLMENT OF MY SEGMENT:
>> WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE MONKEYPOX.
# >> LET MY PEOPLE GO...
GET MONKEY POX. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW, WHEN THIS OUTBREAK FIRST OUT-BROKE, WE WERE ALL ASSURED,
"DON'T WORRY. NOBODY'S GOING TO GET
MONKEYPOX." SINCE THEN, THE MESSAGE HAS
CHANGED, TO "I MEAN, SOME OF YOU ARE GONNA GET MONKEYPOX."
WHICH IS WHY LAST WEEK, THE C.D.C. ISSUED GUIDANCE FOR
HAVING SEX WITH MONKEYPOX. ADMIRABLY CAUTIOUS, C.D.C.
COSMO, GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER. WHERE'S YOUR COVER ARTICLE:
"115 CRAZY WAYS TO PEEL HIS BANANA."
( LAUGHTER ) HOT CHIMP SUMMER!
( LAUGHTER ) OF SAFE ACTIVITIES FOR SEXUALLY
ACTIVE PATIENTS. OH, THE C.D.C. IS FINALLY GIVING
US THE TALK. "HEY, CHAMP, JUST WANT TO TALK
TO YOU ABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES AND THE MONKEYS.
WHEN TWO PEOPLE LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH AND ONE OF THEM HAS
LESIONS, THEY EXCHANGE A VERY SPECIAL HANDSHAKE, AND NOT MUCH
ELSE, BECAUSE OF THE LESIONS. ANYWAY, SEX IS A BEAUTIFUL
THING. DON'T DO IT."
SO HOW CAN YOU KEEP YOUR MONKEY-BUSINESS SAFE?
WELL, IF EITHER PARTNER HAS THE POX, THE C.D.C. RECOMMENDS
AVOIDING KISSING. SO, "PRETTY WOMAN" RULES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE BANANA ON THE DRESSER.
THE C.D.C. ALSO RECOMMENDS HAVING SEX WITH YOUR CLOTHES ON.
HEY, I'M 58. I'M WAY AHEAD OF YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T...
I DON'T TAKE MY SHIRT OFF IN THE SHOWER.
NOW, IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO KEEP YOUR PANTS ON, THE C.D.C. SAYS
YOU SHOULD COVER AREAS WHERE RASH OR SORES ARE PRESENT.
AND THAT, EVIDENTLY, IS ENOUGH. "HEY, BABE, YEAH, I GOT A FEW
LESIONS. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
JUST THROW A COUPLE COASTERS DOWN AND GO TO IT.
IF THAT'S NOT ENOUGH, I ALSO STOLE THIS CROCHETED LACE COZY
THAT WENT OVER MY GRANDMA'S KLEENEX BOX.
SAY HELLO TO THE GLORY DOILY." ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) LOOK IT UP.
NOW, POST-MONKEYPOX SEX, THE C.D.C. SAYS FOLKS SHOULD WASH
THEIR HANDS, FETISH GEAR, SEX TOYS, AND ANY FABRICS.
GOOD ADVICE. ALSO, PLEASE, ALWAYS DO THAT!
OKAY? IT'S-- IT'S GOOD ADVICE--
( APPLAUSE ) IT'S A DILDO, NOT A CAST IRON
SKILLET! ( LAUGHTER )
SEASONING ON THERE SO THE EGG SLIPS RIGHT OFF.
( LAUGHTER ) I KNOW!
WE WENT BACK AND FORTH ABOUT
THAT JOKE. AND THEN WE WENT ( BLEEP ) IT.
( LAUGHTER ) WE LAUGHED.
WHY CAN'T YOU LAUGH?
BUT FOR THE SAFEST WAY TO BE KNOCKIN' SOCKS WITH THE
MONKEYPOX, THE C.D.C. ENCOURAGES YOU TO MASTURBATE TOGETHER AT A
DISTANCE OF AT LEAST SIX FEET-- TO WHICH THE CREEP ON THE SUBWAY
SAID, "COULD I BORROW YOUR MEASURING TAPE?"
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TAIKA WAITITI.
( APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW."
FOLKS, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACADEMY AWARD- WINNING
WRITER, ACTOR, AND DIRECTOR YOU KNOW FROM "WHAT WE DO IN THE
SHADOWS," "THOR: RAGNAROK," AND "JOJO RABBIT."
PLEASE WELCOME, TAIKA WAITITI! ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )
DELIGHTFUL? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GETS A STANDING "O," BABY. >> LOOK AT THAT!
LOOK AT THAT! >> Stephen: NOW, FANS OUT
THERE ARE VERY EXCITED ABOUT THE FORTHCOMING THOR: LOVE AND
THUNDER. YOU WROTE, DIRECTED, AND ARE IN.
IN THE TRAILER, IN THE TRAILER OUT THERE, YOU HAVE GIVEN US A
LITTLE TASTE OF THE FULL THOR. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVEN'T
SEEN IT, THOR IS BUCK NAKED. ( APPLAUSE )
WAS THIS-- THIS WAS YOUR IDEA, I ASSUME, BEING THE WRITER AND THE
DIRECTOR. >> IN THE MOVIE, IT'S NOT
56ALATED. YOU GET THE FILL HEMSWORTH.
THE FULLWORTHINESS. >> Stephen: THERE'S A PATTERN
THERE. >> THERE'S A PATTERN.
>> Stephen: HOW ABOUT THE FRONT?
IS THERE A FRONT SHOT? >> UH...
>> Stephen: DO WE SEE MJOLNIR. >> MAYBE IN IMAX.
NO, BUT THERE'S ANOTHER ONE. >> Stephen: THERE'S A
PATTERN-- >> THERE'S A PATTERN.
>> Stephen: THIS IS FROM RAGNAROK.
YOU SHOWED US HULK BUTT IN THAT. >> SOME WILL SAY IT'S AN
OBSESSION. I WILL SAY IT'S ART.
>> Stephen: THE DAVID HAS A BARE BUTT.
>> I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, THOUGH, WITH CHRIS, I MEAN, HE'S WORKED
SO HARD ON THAT. YOU KNOW, IT'S --
>> Stephen: SO MANY SQUATS. >> IT'S SO MANY SQUATS.
IT WOULD BE DEPRIVING HUMANITY IF I DIDN'T SHOW THAT.
>> Stephen: NOW, WHEN YOU'RE WRITING THIS, YOU WROTE THIS
SCRIPT, DO YOU EVER INDULGE NLIKE, FAN THEORIES?
LIKE, DO YOU EVER LISTEN TO WHAT THE FAN THEORIES ARE ABOUT THE
SCRIPT? DO YOU GO TO THE INTERNET AND
SAY, "THAT'S A GOOD IDEA." >> I LIKE TO LISTEN TO THE FANS
AND THEN TROLL THE FANS BACK A BIT, BECAUSE IT BRINGS ME SOME
BIT OF OF JOY. I DON'T HAVE MANY JOYS IN MY
LIFE. I HAVE MY KIDS AND TROLLING
FANS. BUT I LIKE WHERE, YOU KNOW, THEY
SAY-- WHEN I DID RAGNAROK, THERE WERE A FEW PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T
KNOW WHAT I DID, WHAT I HAD DONE BEFORE.
AND THEY SAID, "HE'S GOING TO RUIN THOR."
AND I WOULD WRITE BACK, "OH, I'M GOING TO RUIN IT ALL RIGHT.
100%. I'M GOING TO RUIN IT FOR YOU."
AND I WOULD SAY THINGS LIKE, "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANTED
UNTIL I GIVE IT TO YOU." I KNOW, I KNOW, IT'S RUDE, IT'S
RUDE. BUT IT'S TRUE.
>> Stephen: WOW. >> BUT, YOU KNOW, THE FANS ARE,
AGAIN, THEY CAME AROUND ON RAGNAROK.
THEY LOVED THAT. THEY'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS.
YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS FILM.
>> Stephen: DID YOU DRAW ON ANY ACTUAL NORSE MYTHOLOGY?
THERE REALLY IS. >> WHEN YOU LOOK AT THIS FILM,
IT'S LIKE WE ASKED A BUNCH OF SIX-YEAR-OLDS WHAT THEY WANTED
IN A MOVIE, AND WE JUST SAID "YES" TO EVERYTHING.
IT'S LIKE-- IT IS-- ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
>> A VIKING SHIP BEING TOWED THROUGH SPACE BY TWO GIANT
GOATS. AND THAT'S WHAT THOR RIDES
AROUND ON IN THIS MOVIE. >> Stephen: THAT'S FROM
MYTHOLOGY,s RIGHT? >> THAT'S FROM MYTHOLOGY.
>> Stephen: WOW. >> SOME SAID IT'S TOO MUCH.
BUT, NO, WE TOOK IT FROM MYTHOLOGY.
SO I DON'T EVEN-- YOU GUYS PROBABLY ALL LOVE LOKI.
( APPLAUSE ) BUT I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW IN
MYTHOLOGY, LOKI, AT ONE POINT, TURNED HIMSELF INTO A FEMALE
HORSE, HAD SEX WITH, LIKE, A SERPENT, AND THEN GOT PREGNANT.
AND THEN GAVE BIRTH TO AN EIGHT-LEGGED HORSE.
>> Stephen: WOW. >> WHY WAS THAT NOT IN AVENGERS?
( APPLAUSE ). >> WE'RE GOG START A PETITION.
WE NEED TO SEE TOM HIDLESTON PREGNANT WITH A HORSE.
>> Stephen: FEET UP IN THE STIR UPS.
>> AND WE'VE GOT A HOOF. AND WE HAVE ANOTHER HOOF!
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP HERE.
CAN YOU TELL US THE MOMENT HERE? >> OKAY, I'M SO NERVOUS ABOUT
GIVING ANYTHING AWAY. THIS IS A CLIP, AND IT'S A CROWD
SCENE. IT'S MY CHARACTER, KORG.
I'M NOT JUST A VOICE, GUYS. I'M IN THE SCENES.
I'M ACTING. I'M ACTING MY HEART OUT.
( APPLAUSE ) THEY JUST-- THEY JUST... SO THOR
AND I, IN THIS SCENE, AND IT'S...
HE HASN'T SEEN JANE FOSTER, HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND, FOR MANY YEARS.
AND IT'S HIM CHECKING HER OUT. >> Stephen: AND SHE NOW HAS A
DIFFERENT IDENTITY. >> SHE NOW IS HOLDING HIS
HAMMER, AND SHE IS THE MIGHTY THOR.
>> Stephen: JIM. >> THAT'S THE EX-GIRLFRIEND, IS
IT? >> THE OLD EX-GIRLFRIEND.
>> JODI FOSTER. >> JANE FOSTER.
>> THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY. >> THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY.
>> THAT MEANS ESCAPED. >> YEAH, YEAH.
>> MUST BE HARD FOR YOU TO SEE YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND AND YOUR
EXHAMMER HANGING OUT AND GETTING ON SO WELL.
WHAT YOU UP TO? >> COME TO DADDY.
>> THERE YOU ARE! HEY!
I WAS JUST CALLING YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: NOW, WE ALL KNOW KORG.
>> THE-- THE MOVIE IS LONGER THAN.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: A LITTLE BIT.
WE ALL KNOW KORG. WE ALL LOVE KORG.
>> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: WHY DOES KORG HAVE
A NEW ZEALAND ACCENT? >> BECAUSE I'M SO LAZY AS AN
ACTOR, IT'S THE ONLY ACCENT I WANT TO DO.
ALSO, THE NEW ZEALAND ACCENT IS TOW BEAUTIFUL.
LISTEN TO IT. LISTEN TO THE WAY I'M SPEAKING.
IT'S LIKE HAVING YOUR EARDRUMS MASSAGED TO DEATH.
>> Stephen: I MAY HAVE SAID THIS TO YOU BEFORE BUT I LOVE
HOW YOU ALL PRONOUNCE WHAT WE CALL A SHORT "E."
SAY THE GIRL'S NAME IS B-E-T-H. >> BITH.
>> Stephen: I LOVE IT. >> I HAVE ADJUSTED MY ACCENT IN
AMERICA, BECAUSE THE WAY I NORMALLY SPEAK, YOU GUYS WOULD
NEVER UNDERSTAND A THING I WAS SAYING.
>> Stephen: CAN YOU SLIP INTO UNINTELLIGIBLE KIWI.
>> IF I TALK IN MY NORMAL ACCENT, THIS IS HOW I NORMALLY
TALK WHEN I'M BACK HOME. AND EVERYONE CAN UNDERSTAND ME
WHEN I'M BACK HOME. THIS IS THE WAY THAT I SPEAK.
>> Stephen: SO, IT'S JUST MUMBLING.
IT'S JUST MUMBLING. THAT'S NOT AN ACCENT.
I SPENT A LOT OF TIME DOWN THERE.
>> OKAY. >> Stephen: I'M OBSESSED WITH
YOUR-- >> THE NEW ZEALAND ACCENT IS
JUST MUMBLING, BUT IT'S BEAUTIFUL MUMBLING.
IT'S TURNING MUMBLING INTO AN ART FORM.
>> Stephen: MY HOLLYWOOD CONNECTION DOWN THERE IS PETER
JACKSON, A LOVELY FELLOW, HAS BEEN VERY GENEROUS WITH HIS
TIME. DID YOU TALK TO HIM AT ALL ABOUT
SHOOTING SPECTACULAR MOVIES LIKE THIS, LARGE-SCALE FILMS, OR
ANYTHING? >> YEAH.
I-- I HAD SOME-- I HAD SOME GOOD CHATS ABOUT WHEN I WAS ABOUT TO
DO THOR. ALSO, WHEN I DID "WHAT WE DO IN
THE SHADOWS," WHEN JEMAINE AND I WERE SHOOTING THAT, WE DIDN'T
HAVE MUCH MONEY TO DO THAT FILM. AND "THE HOBBIT" HAD JUST
WRAPPED SOAP OUR PRODUCTION DESIGNER-- MAN, I DON'T KNOW IF
I SHOULD TELL THIS-- OKAY, BUT I WILL.
OUR PRODUCTION DESIGNER IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT TOOK HIS CREW "THE
HOBBIT" STUDIOS AND STOLE ALL OF THE DISMANTLED, BROKEN-DOWN
GREEN SCREENS. AND TOOK ALL OF THE TIMBER, AND
WE BUILT A HOUSE. WE BUILT THE HOUSE, AND "WHAT WE
DO IN THE SHADOWS" IS BUILT OUT OF "THE HOBBIT'S" GREEN SCREEN.
AND I HAD NEVER TALKED TO PETER JACKSON ABOUT THIS.
I DON'T KNOW IF HE KNOWS. I LIKE TELLING AT PARTIES, THAT
STORY. BUT I DON'T KNOW IF HE ACTUALLY
KNOWS. ( LAUGHTER )
QUICK BREAK, BUT WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE TAIKA WAITITI,
EVERYBODY.
( APPLAUSE ). TAIKA WAITITI, WRITER, DIRECTOR,
STAR OF "THOR: LOVE AND THUNDER."
IT'S ALSO BEEN ANNOUNCED YOU'RE GOING TO BE DIRECTING ONE OF THE
NEW "STAR WARS" FILMS. AND THIS IS THE SHOCKING THING.
WHAT'S GOT PEOPLE EVEN MORE EXCITED OR CURIOUS IS YOU'RE
GOING TO EXPAND THE UNIVERSE IN THE NEW FILM BEYOND THE
CHARACTERS THAT WE'VE COME TO KNOW.
SO NOT A SKYWALKER SAGA? ( LAUGHTER )
>> COME ON. >> Stephen: TAIKA, LET ME SAY
THIS-- LET ME SAY THIS-- >> THAT'S AS SPECIFIC AS I CAN
GET. >> Stephen: ARE YOU GOING TO
RUIN "STAR WARS?" >> YEAH, FOR ALL YOU FANS OUT
THERE. NO, I'M NOT.
>> Stephen: WE WERE SO CLOSE.
>> IMAGINE IF I SAID... >> Stephen: CAN YOU DO THIS?
>> THE FANS-- YOU ASKED AND I DELIVERED.
>> Stephen: DO YOU REMEMBER THIS, THE BAND, THE CANTINA
BAND? >> OH, YES.
> Stephen: THEY ALL HAVE NAMES.
MY PITCH, DOIK NOT STORY. IT'S AS GOOD AS ANY OTHER
CHARACTER. TOTALLY UNEXPLORED.
>> BECAUSE HE'S THE ONE WHO PLAYS THE-- THE PICK LOW.
>> Stephen: SORT OF THE CLARINET.
>> OH, THE CLARINET PLAYER! WE ALL LOVED THAT GUY!
WE ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW WHAT HIS STORY WAS.
HOW DID HE END UP IN THE CANTINA?
>> Stephen: HE WAS GOING TO GO TO LAW SCHOOL?
HE WAS JUST PLAYING IN THE CANTINA BAND TO PLAY FOR LAW
SCHOOL. AND STRIPPING AT NIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE IT'S NOT WHERE YOU THINK
IT IS? ( APPLAUSE )
THUNDER," PREMIERES JULY 8. TAIKA WAITITI, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DAVID SEDARIS.
( APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS A WRITER WITH
BESTSELLING BOOKS THAT INCLUDE "ME TALK PRETTY ONE DAY,"
"LET'S EXPLORE DIABETES WITH OWLS," "BARREL FEVER," AND
HIS NEW BOOK IS "HAPPY-GO-LUCKY."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," DAVID SEDARIS!
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) CLOWN ON THE COVER OF YOUR BOOK,
YOU CAN DRESS HOWEVER YOU WANT TO.
THAT'S WHAT I FIGURE. >> Stephen: IS THAT A PLAID
SHIRT TIED AROUND YOUR WAIST? >> NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIED AROUND THE WAIST.
IT'S SEWED TO THE JACKET SO IT'S ALMOST KIND OF A BUSTLE.
>> Stephen: OH, WOW, WOW, QUITE LOVELY.
VERY LOVELY. BY THE WAY, THIS IS WHAT YOU
MEANT. THE NAME OF THE BOOK IS
"HAPPY-GO-LUCKY." AND THERE IS THE ENDEARING
PHOTOGRAPH ON THE COVER. NOT CREEPY AT ALL.
>> WHENEVER I SEE A CLOWN, I ALWAYS THINK,s, HE LOOKS
GOOD." ALWAYS.
I'D WEAR THAT. >> Stephen: HE LOOKS HAPPY.
LOOK AT THAT SMILE. YOU KNOW, I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU
BECAUSE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE A MONTH AGO, AND AT THE
LAST MINUTE, LIKE SO MANY PEOPLE, YOU TESTED POSITIVE FOR
COVID. YOU DOING OKAY?
>> YEAH. I WAS SHOCKED.
I MEAN I WAS A LITTLE BIT TIRED, I GUESS.
BUT I HAD JUST FINISHED GOING TO 44 CITIES.
BUT I'M HAPPY TO SAY, I GOT COVID.
I WENT RIGHT HOME, I GAVE IT TO MY BOYFRIEND, HUGH.
DON'T YOU WONDER ABOUT, YOU KNOW, YOU'LL MEET A COUPLE, AND
ONE PERSON WILL GET COVID AND THE OTHER DOESN'T.
AND I THINK, "WHAT KIND OF A COUPLE ARE YOU?"
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: EVIE GOT IT AND
SHE GAVE IT TO ME. >> SEE, THAT'S SWEET.
>> Stephen: SHE TESTED POSITIVE AND I TESTED POSITIVE
THREE DAYS LATER. >> THAT TELLS ME YOU'RE A GOOD
COUPLE. >> Stephen: WE KISS EVERY
THREE DAYS, IS WHAT IT MEANS. YOU HAVE TO HAVE A SCHEDULE.
>> I WAS TALKING ABOUT IT WITH AMY, AND SHE LAUNCHES INTO
CHARACTER. AND SHE SAID, "MY HUSBAND GOT
IT, AND THE BABY-SITTER, BUT... NO, I NEVER GOT IT."
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW.
"GERMAN EXCHANGE STUDENT?" >> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU DO
WITH YOUR DOWN TIME? >> Stephen: DEN TASE YOU CAN'T
DO ANYTHING, RIGHT? >> IT'S PERFECT.
I TOOK THE TEST AT MY PUBLISHER'S OFFICE, AND I WAS
WALKING TO MY PUBLICIST'S DESK, AND I SAW A MOUNTAIN OF MAIL AND
IT SPILLED OFF THE DESK ON TO THE FLOOR AND IT WAS ALL FOR ME.
SO I TOOK IT ALL HOME, AND I ANSWERED 175 LETTERS.
>> Stephen: WOW. >>
( APPLAUSE ). MUSTUE MUST GET THIS.
>> Stephen: I GET A FEW LETTERS, YEAH.
>> BUT IF SOMEBODY WRITES YOU AND THEY'RE UNHAPPY WITH
SOMETHING, I'M GOING TO ASSUME THEY DIDN'T SAY IRVINGS PUZZLED
BY THAT WORD CHOICE." OR, "I WAS PUZZLED.
THAT JOKE MADE ME FEEL ODD AND I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND IT, COULD
YOU EXPLAIN IT. THE.
NOW IT'S LIKE, "YOU DID THAT. YOU SAID THAT.
I'M NEVER GOING TO READ YOUR BOOKS EVER AGAIN.
I'M GOING TO TELL ALL MY FRIENDS NEVER--" THERE IS NO POINT IN
WRITING THOSE PEOPLE BACK. BUT MOST PEOPLE WERE JUST SWEET.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S-- I HAVE A RADIO SHOW IN ENGLAND.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A RADIO SHOW IN ENGLAND?
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: HOW LONG HAVE YOU
HAD A RADIO SHOW IN ENGLAND? >> Stephen: EIGHT YEARS.
I'M SORRY, I-- I DID NOT KNOW. >> IT'S CALLED "MEET DAVID
SEDARIS." SO THEY MISPRONOUNCE MY OWN NAME
ON MY RADIO SHOW. AND I JUST READ OUT LOUD.
SO I DO A SERIES EVERY YEAR, SO IT'S, LIKE, EIGHT SHOWS, EIGHT
HALF-HOUR SHOWS. ANYWAY, SO THIS WOMAN WROTE AND
SAID, "I JUST REALIZED YOUR NAME, BECAUSE IN MY HOUSEHOLD WE
WOULD HEAR YOU ON THE RADIO, BUT WE NEVER-- WE ALWAYS REFERRED TO
YOU AS THAT 'FUNNY OLD JEWISH WOMAN ON THE RADIO'.
THE. AND I THOUGHT, OKAY, "OLD."
YOU GOT "OLD" RIGHT, BUT THAT IS THE ONLY THING IN THAT SENTENCE.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE BEEN ON THE ROAD, HALF OF THE YEAR YOU
HAVE BEEN OUT THERE TOURING WITH YOUR BOOK FOR 20 YEARS-- MORE,
SINCE "BARREL FEVER" CAME OUT. COVID COMES AND IT'S TWO YEARS,
AND YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING. WHAT IS THAT LIKE FOR YOU TO BE,
LIKE, FORCED TO BE AT HOME? >> WELL, YOU KNOW, I HAVE BEEN
WITH MY BOYFRIEND FOR 32 YEARS. AND WHEN--
( APPLAUSE ) WELL, I DON'T KNOW, SOMEONE...
STAY TOGETHER. YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.
WHEN COVID CAME I CALLED HIS FRIENDS AND SAID, WHAT, IS HE
LIKE?" I HAVEN'T SPENT-- I MEAN, I'M
GONE HALF THE YEAR. >> Stephen: LIKE, "DOES HE
HAVE ANY FOOD ALLERGIES? WHAT SHOULD I KNOW?"
>> I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE DID WITH HIMSELF ALL DAY.
IT WRKD OUT REALLY WELL. I SAID TO HIM, ONCE THEATERS
REOPEN, YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO SEE ME AGAIN."
YOU DON'T WANT TO-- YOU DON'T WANT TO-- TO DO TOO MUCH OF
THAT, YOU KNOW, TOO MUCH TOGETHER.
>> Stephen: KEEP IT FRESH. >> YES.
>> Stephen: KEEP IT FRESH. LEAVE THEM WANTING MORE.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: EXACTLY.
YOU'VE GONE THROUGH A CHANGE THAT SOME OF THE PEOPLE, BIG
FANS, MIGHT HAVEINOID ALREADY, IN THAT YOU CHANGED YOUR
APPEARANCE IN SOME WAY? WHAT DID YOU DO, DAVID SEDARIS?
>> DURING COVID, IN NEW YORK CITY YOU HAD TO WEAR A MASK ON
THE STREET, AND I HATED IT BECAUSE IT FOGGED UP MY GLASSES.
BUT THEN I THOUGHT, THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THIS THAT I
DON'T MIND. AND I REALIZED IT WAS THE FIRST
TIME IN MY ADULT LIFE THAT I WASN'T JUDGED FOR MY TEETH.
I HAD BRACESSA AS A KID, AND THEN I STOPPED WEARING MY
RETAINER. AND I USED TO JOKE I COULD FLOSS
WITH THE SASH TO MY BATH ROBE. YOU KNOW, LIKE-- IT'S NOT LIKE I
HAD ONE GAP. I HAD MASSIVE GAPS BETWEEN ALL
MY FRONT TEETH, AND THEN THEY STARTED GOING OUTWARD.
MY SAMY, ALWAYS SAID IT LOOKED LIKE I SWALLOWED A BOMB AND TIME
FROZE A NANOSECOND AFTER IT WENT OFF.
THEY'RE JUST ABOUT TO EXPLODE OUT OF MY MOUTH.
( LAUGHTER ) REOPENED, I WENT AND GOT THOSE
INVISIBLE BRACE S. >> Stephen: SURE.
>> ONLY WORE THEM FOR 14 WEEKS, THAT WAS ALL.
>> Stephen: WOW. >> AND DURING THE TIME THAT MY
TEETH WERE SO AWFUL, I COULDN'T LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR.
I WAS A GENUINE PHOBIA. I COULDN'T DO IT.
BUT THEN SHE SHOWED ME THE BEFORE-AND-AFTER PICTURES,s
AND I COULDN'T BELIEVE THE BEFORE PICTURES.
IT WAS LIKE A HIPPO. I LOOKED LIKE A HIPPO.
( LAUGHTER ) HAD TO SMILE, I SMILED LIKE A
CHARLIE BROWN CHARACTER. AND SOY REALIZED I HAD TO LEARN
HOW TO SMILE. AND SO I'M STILL WORKING ON IT.
OKAY, THIS IS MY SMILE. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: REALLY NICE. REALLY NICE.
YOU LOOK REALLY FRIENDLY. >> THAT'S THE BEST-- I DON'T
KNOW HOW TO DO IT. LIKE, FOR PHOTOS OR SOMETHING.
I DON'T-- BECAUSE I USED TO-- I WOULD ALWAYS GO LIKE THIS.
SO SELF-CONSCIOUS. >> Stephen: CAN I GIVE YOU
SOME ADVICE? >> SURE.
>> Stephen: I GOT THIS ADVICE FROM NONE OTHER THAN JULIE
ANDREWS. WE WERE TAKING A PHOTO BACK
STAGE. WOULD YOU LIKE THE ADVICE
BLAKE-- HER HUSBAND-- ALWAYS GAVE PEOPLE TO HAVE THE BEST
POSSIBLE SMILE FOR A PHOTOGRAPH. DON'T SAY CHEESE.
SAY MONEY." IT REALLY WORKS.
>> MONEY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
MONEY. >> Stephen: YOU'VE BEEN ON
TOUR NOW-- AGAIN, YOU'RE ON TOUR WITH THE NEW BOOK,
"HAPPY-GO-LUCKY." YOU--
>> I BELIEVE THAT LAST WEEK NUMBER ONE ON "THE NEW YORK
TIMES" BESTSELLER LIST. ( APPLAUSE )
THINK BEFORE THESE NEW TEETH YOU WOULD HAVE BRAGGED LIKE THAT.
>> NO. >> Stephen: I THINK THAT'S A
NEW DAVID. AND I AM SORRY TO HEAR THAT YOUR
FATHER DIED LAST YEAR. I HAD MET YOUR FATHER BEFORE.
I KNOW HOW IMPORTANT HE WAS TO YOU AND TO AMY.
AND HE'S BEEN A BIG PART OF YOUR WRITING.
I READ ABOUT HIM FOR YEARS IN YOUR BOOKS.
AND I UNDERSTAND THAT THE TITLE O THE BOOK HAS TO DO WITH HIM.
WHAT IS THAT? >> OH, THE TITLE STORY IS THE
LAST TIME I SAW MY DAD. HE-- HE WAS 98.
AND HE GOT... DEMENTIA. AND HE FORGOT THAT HE WAS I
REALLY DIFFICULT PERSON. ( LAUGHTER )
TELEVISION AT THE ASSISTED LIVING CENTER WAS REALLY
COMPLICATED. SO HE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO WORK
THE TV. AND IT WAS THE FIRST TIME IN
YEARS THAT HE HADN'T HAD, LIKE, FOX NEWS ON.
OR HE HADN'T HAD CONSERVATIVE TALK RADIO THAT JUST KEPT HIM AT
A BOILING POINT. SO HE REALLY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT
WAS GOING ON IN THE WORLD. AND IT MADE HIM A BETTER PERSON.
YOU BE, HE WAS JUST... AND HE WAS DELIGHTFUL.
AND, LIKE, AMY AND I WENT TO VISIT HIM.
AND WE SAID "WE BOTH HAD OUR SHOTS."
AND HE SAID, "I HAVEN'T HAD A DRINK SINCE I GOT HERE."
>> Stephen: DAVID, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
>> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU.
HIS BOOK IS "HAPPY-GO-LUCKY." DAVID SEDARIS, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE BETO O'ROURKE AND
MATILDA LAWLER. JMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!