THE WHITE HOUSE THIS MORNING AFTER A FOUR DAY TRIP TO THE
MIDDLE EAST WITH SOME CONTROVERSY, HERE'S THE SHOT
THAT MADE HEADLINES, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
FIST BUMPING SAUDI CROWN PRINCE.
>> HE WAS CRITICIZED FOR THAT FIST BUMP WHEN HE GREETED THE
CROWN PRIRCHTION ACCUSED OF BEING BEHIND THE MURDER OF
JOURNALIST JAMAL KHASHOGGI. >> BUT THAT WASN'T THE FIRST
OVERLY FAMILIAR HANDSHAKE BETWEEN AN AMERICAN PRESIDENT
AND AN INTERNATIONAL PARIAH. >> GREETINGS FROM THE CONFERENCE
WHERE THE BIG THREE ARE DECIDING THE FATE OF POST WAR GERMANY,
HERE WE HAVE SOVIET PREMIER JOSEPH STALIN MEETING AMERICAN
PRESIDENT FDR FOR THE FIRST TIME.
LET'S WATCH THEIR HISTORIC HANDSHAKE.
THERE IS A SHAKE. OH, AND THERE IS A BIRD, SHOOT
THE BIRD. GRILL THE BIRD, CUTTING THE
PICKLE. MAKE A SANDWICH, THE NEIGHBORS
DOG IS EATING THE SANDWICH, OH, YOUR DOG IS COMING TO PROTECT
YOU. THEN THEY END UP MAKING OUT.
TUNE IN NEXT NEWS REAL WHEN J O.J. O LOOKS UNDER THE CHURCH
AND STEEPLE AND FINDS ALL THE PEOPLE.
>> >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE
SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!" TONIGHT:
TONIGHT, STEPHEN WELCOMES BILLY CRYSTAL.
AND PAUL HOLLYWOOD FEATURING JON BATISTE AND
"STAY HUMAN." AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
(/ BAND PLAYING/ ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, OH
MAN, HEY, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN. YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
HELLO, GOOD TO SEE YOU. HELLO, HELLO, HELLO.
HELLO, MY FRIENDS. HEY, PLEASE HAVE A SEAT,
EVERYBODY. LOVELY TO BE HERE.
WELCOMEK DOWN THERE, UP HERE, EVERYBODY WATCHING AROUND THE
WORLD. WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW, I'M
YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MAKE
NO MISS FAKE, AND WE ARE BACK, FRIENDS!
WE WERE ON BREAK FOR TWO WEEKS. THANK YOU FOR NOTICING MY TAN.
THIS IS AS TAN AS I GET. I WENT FROM "PORCELAIN" TO
"POACHED CHICKEN BREAST." BUT NOT EVERYONE'S HAVING FUN IN
THE SUN. BECAUSE A SWELTERING HEAT WAVE
IS SWEEPING ACROSS EUROPE. THIS IS A NIGHTMARE FOR
EUROPEANS. THEY DON'T HAVE A LOT OF AIR
CONDITIONING IN THEIR HOMES OVER THERE AND HOW CAN THEY POSSIBLY
COOL OFF? THOSE SWIMSUITS CAN'T GET ANY
SMALLER! ACROSS THE CONTINENT, EUROPEAN
COUNTRIES ARE FACING WEATHER THEY'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE.
IN FRANCE, TEMPERATURES ARE EXPECTED TO TOP 104 DEGREES,
AND AUTHORITIES ARE WARNING OF A "HEAT APOCALYPSE."
IN RESPONSE, THE FRENCH GOVERNMENT IS REMINDING ALL
MIMES TO CRACK A WINDOW IN THEIR INVISIBLE BOXES.
IT'S NOT JUST FRANCE. BRITAIN IS ON COURSE FOR ITS
HOTTEST DAY ON RECORD. TO STAY COOL, THE GUARDS AT
BUCKINGHAM PALACE WAXED THEIR HATS.
VERY PAINFUL, THAT'S VERY PAINFUL.
THE HEAT IS SO INTENSE THAT AT FARMS ACROSS EUROPE, IN ORDER TO
STAY HYDRATED, CHICKENS ARE ON SPORTS DRINK.
LEADING GATORADE TO UPDATE THEIR SLOGAN FROM "IS IT IN YOU?"
TO "BAWK BAWK BAWK." YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS FEELING THE
HEAT LATELY? FORMER PRESIDENT JABBA THE PUTZ.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WHILE WE WERE GONE, THE
JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE HELD ANOTHER HEARING, AND THE
BIGGEST BOMBSHELL CAME FROM REPRESENTATIVE LIZ CHENEY.
>> AFTER OUR LAST HEARING, PRESIDENT TRUMP TRIED TO CALL A
WITNESS IN OUR INVESTIGATION. A WITNESS YOU HAVE NOT YET SEEN
IN THESE HEARINGS. THAT PERSON DECLINED TO ANSWER
OR RESPOND TO PRESIDENT TRUMP'S CALL AND INSTEAD ALERTED THEIR
LAWYER TO THE CALL. >> Stephen: HE'S TRYING TO
COMMIT WITNESS TAMPERING, USING HIS OWN PHONE.
YOU CAN SEE THE WHOLE STORY IN THE NEW MOB FILM:
"NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, FELLAS." WE'LL FIND OUT MORE ABOUT ALL OF
THIS SOON, BECAUSE THE COMMITTEE'S NEXT HEARING IS THIS
THURSDAY, IN PRIME TIME. THAT'S GOING TO DRIVE TUNE-IN,
AND, TO GET EVEN MORE PEOPLE TO WATCH, THEY'RE HOLDING IT ON
F-BOY ISLAND. IN THIS CASE, THE "F" IS FOR
THE HEARING WILL BE LED IN PART BY COMMITTEE MEMBER
ADAM KINZINGER, WHO SAYS THAT IT WILL "OPEN PEOPLE'S EYES IN A
BIG WAY." AND FROM THE LOOKS OF IT, IT'S
ALREADY WORKING. SHOULD BE A BIG NIGHT.
WHICH IS WHY, ON THURSDAY, "THE LATE SHOW" WILL BE LIVE
AND SLEEP DEPRIVED! CHECK IT ALL Y'ALL.
WHO IS OUR GUEST WE DON'T KNOW WHO THE GUEST IS.
NOW THEY MAY BE TALKING ABOUT
THIS OTHER THING THAT SOUNDS KIND OF SUSPICIOUS: THE
COMMITTEE LEARNED LAST WEEK THAT THE SECRET SERVICE ERASED TEXT
MESSAGES FROM JANUARY 5 AND 6, AFTER OVERSIGHT OFFICIALS ASKED
FOR THEM. THE AGENCY SAYS THERE'S NOTHING
SINISTER GOING ON HERE, BUT THEIR STORY ABOUT THIS DELETION
HAS SHIFTED SEVERAL TIMES, FIRST BLAMING IT ON THEIR "DEVICE
REPLACEMENT PROGRAM," THEN ON A PRE-PLANNED "SYSTEM MIGRATION."
THEN THEY SAID, "THE DOG ATE OUR PHONES," "OUR PHONES ARE GOING
THROUGH A TUNNEL," AND FINALLY, "NEW PHONE, WHO DIS?"
NOW, NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IS IN THE TEXTS.
THEY COULD CORROBORATE CASSIDY HUTCHINSON'S STORY THAT ON
JANUARY 6th, THE FORMER PRESIDENT TRIED TO CHOKE AN
AGENT AFTER THE AGENT REFUSED TO DRIVE HIM TO THE CAPITOL.
BUT WE SHOULD FIND OUT SOON, BECAUSE THE COMMITTEE HAS
SUBPOENAED THE TEXTS, WHICH ARE BEING RECONSTRUCTED, AND THE
COMMITTEE MEMBERS EXPECT TO RECEIVE THE MISSING SECRET
SERVICE TEXTS BY TOMORROW. WITH ANY LUCK, ONE OF THE AGENTS
TEXTED A SELFIE. (LAUGHTER)
OLD JOKE, THAT SAN OLD ONE. SWITCHING OVER TO THE GUY WHO
WON THE ELECTION: PRESIDENT BIDEN WAS ON A TRIP TO
THE MIDDLE EAST LAST WEEK, WHERE HE HAD A CONTROVERSIAL MEETING
WITH CROWN PRINCE OF SAUDI ARABIA, MOHAMMAD BIN SALMAN,
SEEN HERE SAYING, "NO, YOU DRINK YOUR TEA FIRST."
THIS WAS ALWAYS GOING TO BE A TOUCHY TRIP, BECAUSE THE
CROWN PRINCE IS INFAMOUSLY-- AND I'M PUTTING IT DELICATELY
HERE-- A MURDERER. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, GAS IS
FIVE BUCKS A GALLON, SO... SO IT WAS IMPORTANT THAT BIDEN
PUT A LOT OF THOUGHT INTO HOW HE WOULD GREET M.B.S.
THIS WAS THE DECISION. OKAY, HE GETS OUT OF THE CAR...
APPROACHES MR. BONE SAW... AND, BOOM GO THE ETHICS!
CAN WE SEE THAT FROM ANOTHER ANGLE, JIM.
BANG THERE IT IS. MAYBE THAT IS NOT A FIST BUMP,
MAYBE, AT 79, THAT'S AS HARD AS JOE CAN PUNCH.
"THROW THEM DUKES UP, MOHAMMAD BIN JACK-BIN.
HERE COMES SCRANTON! HERE WE ARE GO, WATCH THIS ONE,
HERE IT COMES WHERE IS IT COMING IN.
AND ARGH, YOU BLOCKED ME.
THIS GUY'S FAST. I HOPE THEY HAVE AIR
CONDITIONING OVER THERE, BECAUSE HIS BONES ARE MADE OF PEANUT
BRITTLE. OKAY, I KNOW, HAVE I MADE A LOT
OF JOKES ABOUT JOE BEING OLD BUT HERE'S THE THING.
SINCE I'VE MADE THOSE JOKES, HE'S GOTTEN OLDER.
THAT'S NOT MY FAULT. THAT'S ON HIM.
THERE IS SOMETHING OLDER THAN JOE BIDEN:
THE UNIVERSE. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
WE HAVE BEEN GETTING THE FIRST IMAGES FROM NASA'S
GROUND-BREAKING JAMES WEBB TELESCOPE, AND THEY ARE
BREATHTAKING. HERE'S THE WEBB TELESCOPE'S
IMAGE OF THE CARINA NEBULA, ALSO KNOWN AS GOD'S SCREENSAVER.
WE'VE NEVER SEEN SPACE IN THIS MUCH DETAIL.
JUST LOOK AT IT NEXT TO THE SAME IMAGE TAKEN BY THE HUBBLE
TELESCOPE. THAT'S HUBBLE ABOVE, WEBB BELOW.
WHAT A GLOW-UP. IT'S AMAZING WHAT TECHNOLOGY
CAN DO. FOR COMPARISON, HERE'S A REGULAR
PICTURE OF ME, AND HERE'S ONE OF ME TAKEN BY THE WEBB TELESCOPE.
THAT'S WHAT I LOOK LIKE IN REAL LIFE!
THE TV CAMERAS JUST DON'T HAVE THE RESOLUTION TO CAPTURE IT.
BUT THESE AREN'T JUST PRETTY PICTURES.
THEY REVEAL PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN THINGS ABOUT THE UNIVERSE.
FOR INSTANCE, EVERYTHING THAT'S NOT SPARKLING IN THIS PICTURE IS
AN ENTIRE GALAXY. AND WE'RE JUST ON ONE PLANET, IN
ONE SOLAR SYSTEM, IN ONE GALAXY. MAKES YOU FEEL PRETTY SMALL AND
INSIGNIFICANT. MY ADVICE?
BUY A BOAT. THEN GO FISHING BY YOURSELF.
(APPLAUSE) OF COURSE, I'VE SAVED THE
BIGGEST NEWS FOR LAST. JENNIFER LOPEZ AND BEN AFFLECK
GOT MARRIED! YES!
OH HELL YES! LOVE IS REAL!
IF THEY CAN MAKE IT WORK, THERE'S HOPE FOR EVERY
ATTRACTIVE MILLIONAIRE CELEBRITY COUPLE WITH A SKINCARE LINE!
AS I'M SURE YOU KNOW, THE TWO WERE ENGAGED YEARS AGO, BUT NOW
THEY'VE MADE IT OFFICIAL. IT'S BENNIFER AGAIN-I-FER!
OR, AS I PREFER, "BENNIFER 2: JEN-FLECKTRIC BOOGAFFLECK."
AND THEY DIDN'T NEED SOME BIG SPLASHY WEDDING.
THEY DID IT THEIR WAY, BY MARRYING QUIETLY IN LAS VEGAS.
IT WAS VERY INTIMATE. IN FACT, BEN DID ALL THE
CATERING. JEN EXPLAINED JUST HOW NORMAL
THEIR VEGAS WEDDING WAS, SAYING, "WE STOOD IN LINE FOR A LICENSE
WITH FOUR OTHER COUPLES." CAN YOU IMAGINE BEING ONE OF
THOSE OTHER COUPLES? "THE CHAPEL WAS NICE, BUT THEIR
ELVIS IMPERSONATOR LOOKED LIKE BEN AFFLECK."
BEN'S GOOD BUDDY MATT DAMON WASN'T AT THE CEREMONY, BUT HE
DID SEND AN INSPIRATIONAL WEDDING TOAST ON VIDEO.
>> FORTUNE FAVORS YOUR MARRIAGE. >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! MY GUEST IS BILLY CRYSTAL,
AND I'LL BE BAKING WITH PAUL HOLLYWOOD.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, ARE WE ABOUT TO GO TO WAR WITH
CANADA, OVER ME? STICK AROUND TO FIND OOT.
♪
SAY HELLO, LOUIS AND EVERYBODY, RIGHT OVER THERE.
HELLO, LOUIS, HOW ARE YOU, WELCOME BACK.
>> HOW WAS YOUR BREAK. >> IT WAS WONDERFUL.
>> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU DO? >> I SLEPTS FOR TWO DAYS AND I
RECORDED AN ALBUM. >> Stephen: WOW, WOW.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: WOW.
>> IN THAT ORDER. >> Stephen: FOLKS WE TRY TO
BRING YOU THE TRUTH ON THE SHOW NIGHT AFTER NIGHT AND THE
MAINSTREAM MEDIA IS REFUSING TO COVER ONE MAJOR STORY.
AN INTERNATIONAL CRISIS BREWING BETWEEN THE UNITED STATES AND
CANADA WE JUST GOT BACK FROM A TWO-WEEK
BREAK, DURING WHICH MY CANADIAN WRITER/PRODUCER BARRY JULIEN WAS
UP THERE FOR A VISIT, AND HE TEXTED ME THIS PICTURE OF A
BEN & JERRY'S ICE CREAM FLAVOR CALLED "OH, CONE-ADA."
THAT'S KIND OF CUTE! KIND OF A CUTE NAME,
I BET YOU'RE ASKING, "WHAT'S IN IT-- MAPLE SYRUP, POUTINE CURDS,
AND BEAVER TEETH?" THAT WAS MY GUESS TOO, BUT NOPE.
APPARENTLY, "OH, CONE-ADA" IS MADE OF "VANILLA ICE CREAM WITH
FUDGE-COVERED WAFFLE CONE PIECES AND CARAMEL SWIRLS!"
SOUND FAMILIAR? THAT'S BECAUSE THOSE ARE
THE EXACT INGREDIENTS IN MY ICE CREAM: STEPHEN COLBERT'S
AMERI-CONE DREAM! WHAT THE CANUCK!
IS GHS ON. THOSE SOCIALIST ICE HOLES
NATIONALIZED MY FLAVOR! THIS IS AN OOT-RAGE!
I'M NOT GOING TO SIT STILL FOR THIS.
I AM GOING TO SUE EVERY MAN, WOMAN, AND FRENCHIE IN THAT
GOD-FORSAKEN TUNDRA UNTIL THEY HAVE NOTHING LEFT BUT UNIVERSAL
HEALTH CARE AND A RELIABLE SOCIAL SAFETY NET!
AND YOU'RE NOT OFF THE HOOK HERE, BEN AND JERRY!
NO, YOU'RE NOT. I'M ANGRY!
15 YEARS WE'RE TOGETHER, AND HERE I FIND OUT YOU'RE SNEAKING
AROUND WITH A FLAVOR EXACTLY LIKE MINE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY
UNDER A DIFFERENT NAME? I'M SORRY-- I CAN'T HEAR YOU
OVER THE SPOON IN MY BACK! BY ITS WAY AN I WILL JUST PAUSE
HERE, HAVE I FOUND OUT THIS FLAVOR HAS BEEN AROUND FOR 12
YEARS, AND I'M JUST FINDING OUT NOW,
AM I THAT REPLACEABLE?! AND WITH A COW?
DOES IT HAVE THE NUMBER-ONE LATE NIGHT SHOW IN CANADA?
I HEAR HER SEGMENT "MOO-NWHILE" IS VERY POPULAR.
AND I WILL ALSO POINT OUT, ALL FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS THAT ALL
OF MY PROCEEDS ARE DONATED TO CHARITY.
SO FAR, OVER $4 MILLION. YEAH.
(APPLAUSE) SO, WHAT'S JUSTIN TRUDEAU DOING
WITH ALL THAT ICE CREAM CASH? HE SURE AS HELL AIN'T SPENDING
IT ON HAIRCUTS. AND I HEAR YOU ASKING, "STEVE,
DOES THIS GET ANY WORSE?" WELL, HOLD ON TO YOUR TIMBITS,
BECAUSE LOOK WHAT MY STOLEN AND RENAMED ICE CREAM FLAVOR
APPEARS RIGHT NEXT TO IN CANADIAN FREEZERS!
"THE TONIGHT-DOUGH AVEC JEEMEE FALL-OHN!"
QUEBECWHAAAAA? THEY JUST FRENCHIFY HIS FLAVOR
WITH THE "AVEC" AND KEEP HIM ON IT, BUT I GET BUMPED FOR A
FARM ANIMAL? COME ON!
THERE ARE PLENTY OF CANADIAN CELEBRITIES TO USE FOR PUN
ICE CREAM NAMES! RYAN GOS-LICK!
GORDON LIGHTFUDGE! JONI MINT-CHILL!
WE CANNOT LET THIS STAND, PEOPLE.
IT IS TIME TO ACT. IT IS ICE CREAM SEASON IN
AMERICA, AND MY BODY MAY BE FINE WITH LACTOSE, BUT IT IS
INJUSTICE-INTOLERANT. SO, I WANT EVERY PERSON IN THE
UNITED STATES TO GO OUT AND BUY AS MUCH AMERICONE DREAM AS YOU
CAN FIND, I WANT YOU TO FIND IT, BUY IT.
(APPLAUSE) , I WANT YOU TO THEN EAT IT,
OBVIOUSLY TAKE A NAP. THEN MAIL YOUR EMPTY AMERICONE
DREAM CONTAINER TO SOMEONE IN CANADA.
THIS'S ADDRESS, SOMEONE, CANADA. I EXPECT EVERY CANADIAN OF
CONSCIENCE TO SCOOP MY ICE CREAM OUT OF THAT SHAM PACKAGING AND
REPATRIATE IT TO ITS RIGHTFUL PINT.
BECAUSE NONE OF THIS IS THE ICE CREAM'S FAULT.
IT'S JUST AN INNOCENT PAWN IN A GEOPOLITICAL FIRESTORM.
AN ICE COLD FIRESTORM. YOU BRING MY ICE CREAM HOME!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BILLY CRYSTAL.
WELCOME BACK. MY FIRST GUEST IS A COMEDY
LEGEND YOU KNOW FROM "WHEN HARRY MET SALLY," "700 SUNDAYS,"
AND AS THE NINE-TIME HOST OF THE ACADEMY AWARDS.
HE NOW STARS ON BROADWAY IN "MR. SATURDAY NIGHT."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," BILLY CRYSTAL!
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU. IS THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
FANTASTIC. PEOPLE ARE VERY EXCITED.
>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> GREAT TO SEE YOU. >> Stephen: NOW
CONGRATULATIONS ON MR. SATURDAY NIGHT.
I MEAN FIVE TONY NOMINATIONS INCLUDING BEST MUSICAL.
HOW DOES IT FEEL, HOW DID IT FEEL AFTER COVID TO BE BACK ON
STAGE LIVE IN FRONTS OF THE PEOPLE THAT YOU LOVE.
>> WELL, IT WAS CRAZY BECAUSE LIKE YOU HAD, MASKS ON
EVERYBODY, IT LOOKED LIKE A HOWARD THE DUCK CONVENTION IN
THE BEGINNING. EVERYONE WITH A WHITE MASK BUT
IT IS WHAT IT IS. WE GOT THROUGH IT, IT WAS GREAT.
>> Stephen: I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO T WE STILL HAVE MASKS
HERE. WITH THE BA.5 SO WE ARE BEING
CAUTIOUS HERE, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THEIR FACES AGAIN BECAUSE
THERE IS NO GREATER AUDIENCE IN THE WORLD THAN THE AUDIENCE OF
THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER. >> NO, IT'S TRUE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: AND THAT IS ONLY A
SEGUE. I'M ONLY PANDERING.
YOU'VE DONE YOUR JOB, YOU'VE DONE YOUR JOB, I'M ONLY
PANDERING THAT HARD AS A SEGUE BECAUSE AS WE TALKED BEFORE YOU
MADE YOUR NETWORK DEBUT ON THIS STAGE FOR THE HO HOWARDS COULDEL
SHOW SHOT AT THIS THEATER. >> HOWARDS COULDEL HAD, IT WAS
CALLED SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE WITH HOWARD COSESELL.
ALL REMEMBER HIM, HE WAS A BOMBASTIC SPORTS ANNOUNCER AND
HE WAS AN OUTSPOKEN GUY WHO I THINK HIS VOICE WE MISS.
>> Stephen: IN THE MUSICAL, IN THE SATURDAY NIGHT, AS BUDDY
YOUNG YOU ALSO DO IMPRESSIONS, BY IS AN INTERESTING
DOUBLE-- FOR TO YOU DO BUT DO YOU STILL DOS COULDEL?
>> WELL, IF I DID HOWARD THERE WERE GREAT VOICES, WHEN I
STARTED AS A COMEDIAN, THERE WAS-- I DID HOWARD COSELL AND MO
HAM I HAD ALI AND WHEN I STARTED TO DO ALI, I DIDN'T REALLY START
TO DO ALI. I STARTED TO DO BRANDO AS VITO
CORELEONE AND I HIT A ROAD BLOCK AND WENT TO THE RIGHT, IT WAS
LIKE MARCO, I NEVER WANTED YOU, I WANT TO BE CYNICAL, THE
GREATEST FEETER OF ALL TIME. AND THEN I HEARD ALI, AND IT WAS
JUST THIS THING. >> BUT HOWARD WAS, YOU KNOW, I
COULD GET INTO HIM AND GET INTO THAT KIND OF RHYTHM THAT HE HAD.
AND I THOUGHT IF HE WAS WORKING TODAY, HE WOULD BE COVERING THE
JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE HEARINGS.
WE JUST HEARD FROM CASSIDY HUTCHINSON, RIGHT THERE, THIS
MAY BE THE FIRST TIME THE SECRET SERVICE WRESTLED THE PRESIDENT
TO THE GROUND TO KEEP US SAFE FROM HIM.
(APPLAUSE) GREAT VOICE FRTS 70S WHAT OTHER
GREAT VOICE FRTS 70S. >> THIS WAS ANOTHER GREAT VOICE,
THIS IS I USED TO DO BUT NOW YOU CAN REPLUG THEM IN AND SUDDENLY
THEY ARE A APROPOS. >> THE MUELLER REPORT, WHEN YOU
SAW MUELLER BEFORE THE REPORT WITH THAT JAW THAT HE HAD, THAT
LOOK THAT HE HAD. HE WAS LIKE OUT OF A 40SEE MOVIE
WHERE HE WOULD BE THE WARDEN IN THE PRISON, FRY HIM, WE'RE GOING
TO FRY HIM, INSTEAD, IT WAS BAD T WAS BORING.
PETER FAULK AS COLOMBO WOULD HAVE BEEN A GREAT INTERVIEWER OF
ALL OF THOSE DOPES THAT WE WERE INTERVIEWING, YOU KNOW.
>> MR. MADAME BOARD, I DON'T, I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND,
MR. MADAME BOARD, YOU KNOW, YOU ARE FOOLING AROUND WITH ALL OF
THESE OLIGARCHS, THESE OLIGARCHS, I JUST DON'T-- AND
MR. KUSHNER, WHY ARE YOU SO PALE.
ARE YOU JUST VERY PALE. I JUST DON'T GET, SO YOU FOOL
AROUND WITH THESE KIND OF, YOU GLETS NO.
>> Stephen: ONE THING I MISSED FROM ITS 70S, I WISH THERE WERE
CONSEQUENCES FOR THINGS, WE HAD WOODWARD AND BERNSTEIN ON THE
OTHER NIGHT, THAT IS WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT, THERE WERE
CONSEQUENCES BACK IN THE '70S. >> I WATCHED THAT SHOARKS I
THOUGHT IT WAS A BRILLIANT SHOW, I AM A HUGE FAN OF BOTH OF THEM
AND NOW YOU, NOW I'M PANDERING. AND I HAD A MEETING WITH BOB
WOODWARD ABOUT FOUR YEARS AGO AT A RETREAT, JEFF BEZOS DID A
RETREAT AND I HAD LIKE A 40 MINUTE MEETING WITH HIM,
BREAKFAST AND IT WAS AMAZING. THEN WATCHING HIM ON THE SHOW.
LIKE ALI BECAME YOU KNOW CAME FROM VITO CORLEE OWN.
THIS GUY COMES FROM CAROLL CHANNING THERE IS A-- BOB
WOODWARD COMES FROM CAROL CHANNING.
>> YEAH, BECAUSE WHEN YOU-- YOU TRY TO DO BOB WOODWARD, YOU HEAR
T AND IT, IT IS VERY LOW, AND, AND HE'S GOT THIS RATHER LARGE
MOUTH. AND WHEN HE TALKS ABOUT, NIXON
AND TRUMP, IT'S VERY INTERESTING, TO SEE THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM, NIXON, RICHARD NIXON WAS
CRAZY. DONALD TRUMP IS REALLY CRAZY.
STZ WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, WHEN WE ARE COME BACK I
WILL ASK BILLY HOW HE FELL IN LOVE WITH COMEDY.
STICK AROUND.
HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE BACK HERE WITH AMERICA'S SWEETHEART.
BILLY CRYSTAL. (APPLAUSE)
I LOVE BUDDY YOUNG. I MEAN HAVE I BEEN A BIG FAN,
FOR THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T PERSONALLY KNOW, IS THAT
MR. SATURDAY NIGHT IS ACTUALLY A MUSICAL ADAPTATION OF YOUR 1992
MOVIE THE SAME NAME WITH DAVID-- WHO ALSO PLAYS YOUR
BROTHER, I LOVE SEEING HIM ON STAGE.
>> WE ARE OLD SHOES TOGETHER. >> Stephen: TELL THE PEOPLE
WHO BUDDY YOUNG, JR. IS, HE WAS PART OF YOUR ACT, BEFORE HE
ACTUALLY HAD HIS OWN NARRATIVE, HE WAS A CHARACTER YOU PLAYED.
>> HE WAS A CHARACTER. HE WAS SORT OF AN INSULT COMIC,
WHO WAS THE STAR IN THE '50S AND GETS A CHANCE OF REDEMPTION FOR
HIS CAREER WHICH HE WAS A TERRORIST OF HIS OWN DOING.
HE IS ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHO COULD BLOW UP A BRIDGE WHILE HE
IS STANDING ON T YOU KNOW, ALWAYS GOT IN HIS OWN WAY.
BUT HE WAS VERY FUNNY AND HAD THIS MACHINE LIKE THING ABOUT
HIM AND I LOVED HIM, HE WAS SORT OF LIKE WILLY LOWMAN, HE WAS A
LOWLY KIND OF GUY, I LOVED GUYS WHO ARE FLAWED.
AND THAT IS WHY I WANTED TO PLAY HIM, WHEN WE DID THE MOVIE, 31
YEARS AGO, I WAS 43. AND WHEN NEEDED FIVE OR SIX
HOURS OF MAKEUP SO I COULD PLAY HIM AT THE RIGHT AGE.
NOW I JUST SHOW UP AND SO, YOU KNOW, HE IS JUST SO FASCINATING
AND JUST SO FUNNY. >> Stephen: DID YOU HAVE AN
EXPOSURE TO BORS-- COME ED YANS WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER.
>> I DIDN'T KNOW THEM UNTIL LATER BUT I WOULD WATCH THEM
FROM THE ERRED SULLIVAN SHOW FROM THIS STAGE AND IT WAS ALLEN
KING AND BUDDY HACKETTES AND ALL OF THESE AMAZINGLY FUNNY GUYS.
THEIR TIMING IS INCREDIBLE. WE SORT OF PAY TRIBUTE TO THAT
IN THE SHOW AS WELL. >> Stephen: DID YOU GET TO
HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE LIKE HACKETT OF SILVERS ARE SID
CAESAR. >> SID CAME LATE IN MY LIFE AND
IT WAS THE GREATEST FEELING, THAT IS HOW I STARTED.
BEING WANTK TO BE FUNNY. WHAT INSPIRED YOU, THAT IS WHEN
WERE YOU A KID RIGHT. >> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH, I
WOULD LISTEN TO ALBUMS GOING TO BED.
>> I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD AND TELEVISION WAS THE NEW FRONTIER
IN THE EARLY 50S. AND THE COMEDIANS SETTLED IT IT
WAS SID T WAS GEORGE BURNS, IT WAS JACK BENNY, PHIL SILVERS,
THE GREAT STEVE ALLEN WHO WAS THE FIRST HOST OF THE TONIGHT
SHOW AND THAT, I REMEMBER BEING FIVE AND WATCHING ON OUR BLACK
AND WHITE SET, SHOW OF SHOWS WITH SID CAESAR, SO THE KING AND
I WAS THE BEST MOVIE THAT YEAR. AND IT STARRED YULE BRENAR SO
THEY DO A KING AND AIX TAWF AND IT IS THE PALACE AND IN COMES
SID AND IS HE IN THE BALD WIG AND CAPRI PANTS AND BARE FOOT
AND HE STRIKES THE POSE AND HE SUDDENLY GRABS HIS FOOT AND HE
GOES WHO'S SMOKING IN THE PALACE.
THERE IS NO SMOKING IN THE PALACE.
AND I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE FUNNIEST THING I EVER HEARD IN
MY LIFE. AND I WAS FIVE AND MY DAD REST
HIS SOLE WOULD LET US STAY UP TO WATCH THE GREAT FUNNY PEOPLE.
AND THAT IS WHAT I DID FROM FIVE UNTIL LIKE 7 WAS GRAB MY BARE
FOOT AND GO WHO IS SMOKING IN THE PALACE?
WE WOULD GO TO THE BEACH AT LONG BEACH AND IF IT WAS A HOT DAY,
FIVE YEARS OLD, OH WHO IS SMOCKING IN THE PALACEMENT I
THOUGHT IT WAS THE FUNNIEST THING I HAD EVER SEEN, AND AS
TIME WENT ON I GREW TO LOVE WHAT THEY DID.
AND THE VOICES BEHIND IT WHICH WAS MEL BROOKS AND CARL REINER,
HOWIE MARS TEN, UNBELIEVABLE. >> AND WOODY ALLEN EVENTUALLY.
AND THEN WHEN I WAS-- SID WAS MY MICKEY MANTDEL BESIDES MICKEY
MANTDELS AND WHEN I WAS DOING SEVEN-- ON BROADWAY, THERE WAS
ONE TIME I WAS NERVOUS WHEN I KNEW MEL WAS IN THE AUDIENCE.
AND MEL AND HIS LATE AMAZING WIFE ANN BANCROFT COME BACKSTAGE
AND THE FIRST THING HE SAID TO ME WAS SID HAS GOT TO SEE THIS.
SID HAS GOT-- IT JUST MELTED ME. SO WE FINISHED OUR RUN, WE GO ON
THE ROAD AND WE FINISH IN LOS ANGELES.
AND I GET A MESSAGE THAT SID CAESAR WANTS TO SEE THE SHOW.
SO WE FOUND A SPECIAL PLACE FOR HIM, HE WAS WHEELCHAIR BOUND AT
THAT POINT. AND I KNEW HE WAS IN THE
AUDIENCE, I COULD SEE HIM FROM THE STAGE.
AND WE HAD CHANGED PLACES. HE WAS WATCHING ME.
AND WHEN I CAME BACKSTAGE I JUST LOST IT I JUST LOST IT,nd
HUGGED HIM SO HARD AND SAY THANK YOU, BECAUSE WITHOUT YOU I AM
NOT DOING THIS RIGHT NOW. >> Stephen: YOU HAVE THIS
GREAT PHOTOGRAPH. >> OH YEAH.
>> Stephen: THIS PHOTOGRAPH IS AMAZING.
>> THIS IS FROM COMIC RELIEF. THIS IS WHAT I LOOK AT RIGHT
BEFORE I GO ON STAGE EVERY NIGHT.
THIS IS THE CAST OF THE SHOW OF SHOWS AND I GOT TO MEET THEMENTD
WHEN WE DID COMIC RELIEF, REMEMBER WITH ROBYN AND WHOOPI
AND THIS IS WHAT I LOOK AT EVERY NIGHT BEFORE I GO OUT.
I HAD A CHANCE TO GREET THEM. >> Stephen.
>> RIGHT THERE. >> THAT IS NICE.
>> YEAH. (APPLAUSE)
>> I REMEMBER HIM. >> Stephen: NOW YOU HAVE ONE
OF THE NICE THINGS ABOUT BEING IN SHOW BUSINESS IS BEING
INVITED TO SEE A PLAY THAT A FRIEND OF YOURS IN SHOW BUSINESS
WAS IN, YOU GHET REALLY GOOD SEATS SO I WAS IN A REALLY NICE
SPOT DOWN STAGE LEFT UP FL. AND THE THING IS I COULD SEE
RIGHT INTO THE WINGS AND I TRY NOT TO BECAUSE I WANT TO SEE THE
SHOW LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE. BUT THERE IS A MOMENT IN THE
SHOW WHERE I COULDN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF OF YOU, ONE OF THE LAST
MOMENTS BECAUSE I WENT JEEZ, THAT'S A BIG COSTUME CHANGE.
AM I SEEING BILLY CRYSTAL BUCK NAKED.
I WASN'T SURE WHAT WAS GOING ON. >> SHORT OF.
TOWARD THE END OF THE SHOW, I HAVE LIKE FIVE OR SIX VERY FAST
CHANGES. >> RIGHT.
>> THE PART IS EXHAUSTING ENOUGH BUT HAVE I THIS LAST CHANGE FROM
A SUIT OF CLOTHES HE'S PERFORMING ONCE AGAIN IN FRONT
OF A RETIREMENT HOME, FULL SUIT AND HAVE I TO GO INTO THE WINGS
AND COME BACK OUT ABOUT 28 SECONDS LATER.
TOTALLY DIFFERENT LOOK SSES AND YOU BROUGHT A CLIP OF YOU MAKING
THAT CHANGE BACK STAGE. ♪
(APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: LET'S GIVE IT UP
FOR THE CREW. >> OH YEAH.
NO, IT'S LIKE IF I WAS A NASCAR CAR, THAT, YOU KNOW, THE CREW
CHANGING ME, A BIG PIT STOP. >> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR
BEING HERE, LOVELY TO SEE YOU. >> GREAT TO SEE YOU
"MR. SATURDAY NIGHT" IS ON BROADWAY AT THE NEDERLANDER
THEATER THROUGH SEPTEMBER 4. BILLY CRYSTAL, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PAUL HOLLYWOOD.
WELCOME BACK. MY NEXT GUEST HAS SPENT 12 YEARS
JUDGING BAKERS AND DOLING OUT INFREQUENT HANDSHAKES ON "THE
GREAT BRITISH BAKING SHOW." PLEASE WELCOME PAUL HOLLYWOOD!
PAUL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
PAUL, YOU'VE GOT A TON, HOW MANY, SEVEN BOOKS ON BAKE SOG
FAR. >> I THINK 7 OR 8, YEAH.
>> Stephen: 7th OR 8TH BOOK, JUST CALL BAKE.
ARE YOU KEEPING IT SIMPLE. >> ACTUALLY THE BOOK IS ALL
ABOUT GOING BACK TO THE CLASSICS BECAUSE I WANTED TO READD JUST
SOME OF THE SUGAR LEVELS BECAUSE THEY WERE A LITTLE BIT TOO HIGH.
>> Stephen: WHAT ARE WE BAKING TONIGHT.
>> WE ARE DOING A VERY BASIC WHITE BREAD.
>> Stephen: THAT WAS MY STRIPPER NAME.
(LAUGHTER) >> BUT WE'RE GOING TO BRAID IT
OR PLATE IT. >> Stephen: LIKE THE HOLLA,
HOW YOU DO THAT. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO WE DO FIRST.
>> YOU START WITH, WHAT I WANT TO YOU DO YOU'VE GOT YOUR BOWL
THERE. >> Stephen: YEAH.
>> WITH FLOUR, YOU'VE GOT BASIC STRONGWHITE FLOWER, TO WHICH YOU
ADD YOUR YEAST, STRAIGHT IN, A LITTLE SPLASH OF SALT ON THE
OTHER SIDE, NEXT THING, A LITTLE BIT OF WATER, ABOUT HALF OF THAT
TO START WITH. OLIVE OIL.
>> Stephen: HERE WE GO. >> GET YOUR FINGERS IN AND RUN
THE WATER ON THE OUTSIDE, JUST GENTLY, THAT IS SENSUAL.
>> Stephen: IT IS, REALLY LOVELY, THAT IS LIKE I'M
POWDERING A BABY AND I CAN'T FIND ITS BUTT, JUST WHERE ARE
YOU, ARE YOU IN THERE SOMEWHERE. NOW YOU SAY OF ALL THE THINGS
YOU LIKE TOIC BA, BREAD IS YOUR NUMBER ONE THING S THAT BECAUSE
IT IS THE PRIMAL, THE ORIGINAL. >> I THINK IT IS ONE OF THE
HARDEST THINGS TO MASTER WITHIN BAKING, AND I THINK
ULTIMATELY-- I THINK IF YOU UNDERSTAND BREAD MAKING, YOU
UNDERSTAND CONSISTENCEE F YOU UNDERSTAND CONSISTENCY YOU ARE
GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT WITH UNS ABOUT AND OTHER ELEMENTS IN THE
BAKING WORLD. >> Stephen: YOU ASKED ABOUT
THE BAKING FRAT TERNITY, IS THERE A MAZING PERIOD AND WHAT
DO THEY SPANK YOU WITH? >> OBVIOUSLY THIS IS THE THING
WITH WORDS OVER HERE IN THE U.S. THAT SHALL-- .
>> Stephen: A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT.
>> JUST LEATHER. (LAUGHTER)
SO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO WITH YOUR DAIRY, YOU NEED TO MANIPULATE
THIS DOUGH, OKAY. >> Stephen: YEP.
>> SO BASICALLY YOU NEED TO INCORPORATE ALL OF THE
INGREDIENTS TOGETHER. >> Stephen: YEP, THERE WE GO,
THERE WE G IT'S HAPPENING, A LITTLE FLOUR ON THE HANDS.
>> TRY NOT TO USE TOO MUCH FLOUR.
>> Stephen: WHAT? IT IS SO WET THOUGH.
>> YOU NEED TO HANDLE IT LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO HANDLE IT WETLY.
>> IF YOU ADD TOO MUCH FLOUR-- . >> Stephen: THAT IS PRETTY,
THAT IS GORGEOUS. >> IT JUST DRIES THE DOUGH OUT
BUT IF YOU FEEL MINE. >> Stephen: OH.
(LAUGHTER) VERY NICE, NO IT IS VERY NICE, I
HAVE DONE NOTHING, GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER.
WELL, FEEL MINE. >> IT IS A BIT STIFF.
(LAUGHTER) >> BUT I THINK ULTIMATELY,
YOU'VE JUST T IS ABOUT-- STOP IT.
>> OKAY. >> GOOD.
THE MORE BHARKS YOU DO WITH THAT DOUGH THEN, ALWAYS LEAVE THAT
FOR AFTER NOW, A BIT MORE STRETCH IN AND THEN LEAVE IT FOR
TWO OR THREE HOURS THRORKS THAT IN THE BOWL FOR NOW, GET RID OF
THAT. >> THIS IS ME.
>> AND YOU END UP WITH A PIECE OF DOUGH LIKE THIS.
WHAT WE WILL DO IS A PLAIT OR A BRAID, PUT A LITTLE BIT OF FLOUR
ON TO THE BENCH. >> Stephen: NOW ONE OF THE
GREATEST HONORS YOU CAN GET ON THE GREAT BRITISH BAKING SHOW IS
HOLLYWOOD HANDSHAKE. THERE HAS BEEN SOME CRITICISM
THAT THEY HAVE BEEN GIVEN OUT TOO MUCH AND YOU MIGHT HAVE TO
RETIRE IT BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN DEVALUED.
>> I AGREE. I JUST THINK THE PROBLEM IS I
DON'T GO IN THE TENT, THE QUALITY HAS JUST GOT SO MUCH
BETTER. AT THE MOMENT, I'M IN THE MIDDLE
OF FILMING THE AMERICAN VERSION. SHOW.
OVER IN THE U.K AND WE'RE ACTUALLY S I'M JUST
FOLLOWING YOU. >> LOOK AT MINE.
>> Stephen: WHAT? >> LOOK AT WHAT IT HAS DONE WITH
THIS ONE. FLATEN IT.
>> Stephen: I'M GETTING NO INSTRUCTIONS FROM YOU.
I'M FLYING BLIND HERE, PAUL. >> DON'T USE TOO MUCH FLOUR.
>> Stephen: I USED JUST ENOUGH FLOUR, PAUL, LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL
THAT IS, LOOK AT THAT YOU CAN'T TELL THOSE APART.
>> Stephen: SALT IN THE MIDDLE.
JUST BOW IT OUT SLIGHTLY. GOOD SO ST ALL THE SAME, YOU
KNOW WHAT I MEAN, ALL THE SAME IS LENGTH, OKAY?
>> NOW GET YOUR SCRAPER, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
>> Stephen: YEAH. >> DIVIDE IT INTO TWO.
>> Stephen: YEAH. >> AND THEN AGAIN.
>> Stephen: OKAY. >> AND AGAIN, AND THEN WE'RE
GOING TO DO IT AGAIN. WE END UP WITH ROUGHLY-- EACH
PIECE YOU WANT TO ROLL OUT SLIGHTLY LIKE THAT.
JUST IN THE MIDDLE. JUST REST YOUR BODY INTO IT,
SHAPE IT. >> OKAY.
IF YOU GET YOUR PIECE OF DOUGH IN THE MIDDLE AGAIN LIKE WE DO
WITH THE LARGE ONE, PUT A BIT OF PRESSURE INTO IT.
AND THEN WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS UP AND DOWN OF, YOU DON'T WANT
TO STRETCH IT TOO MUCH. >> CAN'T GET THE GRIP, YOU KNOW
WHAT I HAVE GOT OVER HERE. >> TOO MUCH FLOUR.
>> Stephen: IS WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY.
>> WHAT YOU HAVE GOT TO DO IS COPY ME, PUT THESE THREE ON
QUICKLY. >> Stephen: I'M NOT DOING THAT
ANY MORE. >> NO,.
>> Stephen: HAVE I GIVEN UP. >> TOO MUCH FLOUR.
>> Stephen: I CAN'T DO T I'M A FAILURE.
>> OKAY. SO WHAT YOU DO,.
>> Stephen: NO HANDSHAKE FOR ME.
>> INSTEAD OF AN OCTOPUS, MAKE SURE IT IS JOINED AT THE TOP.
>> Stephen: I GOT THAT. >> I'M JOINED IT, BABY.
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING. >> Stephen: I'M JOINING IT.
>> THAT IS NOT WHAT A JUMP IS SPS I JOINED IT, HOW DID YOU
JOIN YOURS IS, YOU JUST DOING WHAT I DID.
BUT SLOWER. >> NEATER.
>> Stephen: LOOK AT THIS. >> OKAY.
SPREAD OUT YOUR-- . >> Stephen: MY STRANDS.
>> STRANDS, OKAY. >> Stephen: YEAH.
>> THEN THE SEQUENCE, I WILL TILL, YOU WILL COPY ME.
I CAN'T STOP, I CAN'T SLOW UP BECAUSE THE SEQUENCE I REALLY
HAVE TO FOLLOW OTHERWISE I WILL LOSE CONCENTRATION.
>> Stephen: GO AHEAD. >> OKAY, THAT IS ONE.
>> Stephen: YEAH. >> ONE.
>> Stephen: YEAH. >> TWO, THREE.
>> Stephen: THREE. >> FOUR FIVE.
(LAUGHTER) >> SIX, SEVEN.
EIGHT, NINE. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: LOOK AT THAT. >> AND THAT IS HOW IT COMES OUT.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH. >> MY PLEASURE.
>> Stephen: PAUL HOLLYWOOD. THE NEW BOOK.
BAKE. IT IS AVAILABLE NOW.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE ETHAN HAWKE.
GOOD NIGHT.