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00:00:26,025 --> 00:00:30,964
>> WELCOME TO "MARTHA STEWART."
THEY SAY REVENGE IS A DISH BEST
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00:00:31,030 --> 00:00:33,900
SERVED COLD.
TODAY, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW
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00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:40,573
TO SEEK VENGEANCE ON A COYOTE.
ALL YOU NEED IS COYOTE BAIT, A
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00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:45,812
LARGE KNIFE, ONE RIPE AVOCADO,
AND A HEART FILLED WITH HATE.
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00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:49,949
LATER, WE'LL MOVE OVER TO MY
MURDERING SHACK WHERE I CAN SHOW
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00:00:50,016 --> 00:00:57,524
YOU SOME TOOLS OF THE TRADE.
THIS IS A FANTASTIC GOUGING CLAW
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00:00:57,590 --> 00:01:00,827
WHICH CAUSES A SLOW AND PAINFUL
DEATH, GIVING THE COYOTE TIME TO
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00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:04,564
REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT IT DID TO
MY PEACOCKS.
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00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:09,669
I ALWAYS FIND IT HELPFUL TO
SEVER THE COYOTE'S HEAD AND JAM
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00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,938
IT ON A DECORATIVE CANDLESTICK
AND PLACE IT AMONGST MY
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00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:14,941
BOUGAINVILLEA IN THE GARDEN.
IT REALLY SENDS A MESSAGE.
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00:01:15,008 --> 00:01:19,946
JOIN ME NEXT TIME WHEN I'LL SHOW
YOU HOW TO KILL A RACCOON,
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00:01:20,013 --> 00:01:23,950
BECAUSE MY GARBAGE CAN IS NOT A
GODDAMN HOTEL.
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00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:25,952
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE
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00:01:26,019 --> 00:01:30,957
SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT:
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>> CHOCO TUESDAY!
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES:
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00:01:36,463 --> 00:01:40,400
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD
AND BRETT GELMAN
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00:01:40,467 --> 00:01:45,171
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
HUMAN.
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00:01:45,238 --> 00:01:49,776
WITH SPECIAL GUEST ST. VINCENT.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE
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00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:54,380
ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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THANK YOU, JOSEPH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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THANK YOU, MY FRIEND.
PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY.
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THANK YOU SO MUCH.
WELCOME, DOWN HERE, UP THERE,
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ALL AROUND THE WORLD, TO "THE
LATE SHOW."
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I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS, I'M GONNA GIVE IT TO YOU
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STRAIGHT--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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THINGS ARE LOOKIN' A LITTLE
ROUGH RIGHT NOW, THE CLIMATE IS
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00:02:43,029 --> 00:02:44,964
ON FIRE, DEMOCRACY IS HANGING ON
BY A PUBE, AND JUST WHEN WE
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THOUGHT WE COULDN'T TAKE ANOTHER
PUNCH TO THE NATIONAL GUT, WE'VE
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00:02:50,036 --> 00:02:53,273
LEARNED THAT KLONDIKE'S CHOCO
TACO HAS BEEN DISCONTINUED AFTER
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00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:55,208
ALMOST 40 YEARS.
OH, NO!
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00:02:55,275 --> 00:02:59,212
NOT THE CHOCO TACO!
IT WAS THE ONLY DESSERT WITH AS
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00:02:59,279 --> 00:03:00,213
MUCH REAL BEEF AS TACO BELL!
( LAUGHTER )
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00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:03,283
AND MAY I POINT OUT--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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00:03:03,349 --> 00:03:07,587
AND MAY I POINT OUT, WE LEARNED
THIS SHOCKING NEWS ON A TACO
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00:03:07,654 --> 00:03:10,757
TUESDAY.
( LAUGHTER )
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00:03:10,823 --> 00:03:15,194
THE WOUND.
ACCORDING TO "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE--
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00:03:15,261 --> 00:03:19,966
THE MAGAZINE WRITTEN
SPECIFICALLY FOR PEOPLE-- THE
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00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:23,202
CHOCO TACO WAS DISCONTINUED
DUE TO AN UNPRECEDENTED SPIKE IN
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00:03:23,269 --> 00:03:26,239
DEMAND FOR DIFFERENT KLONDIKE
PRODUCTS OVER THE PAST TWO
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00:03:26,306 --> 00:03:33,479
YEARS.
OTHER KLONDIKE PRODUCTS?
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00:03:33,546 --> 00:03:35,181
WELL, I GUESS THE ANSWER TO
"WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR A
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00:03:35,248 --> 00:03:37,951
KLONDIKE BAR?" IS "RUIN
CHILDHOOD."
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00:03:38,017 --> 00:03:39,485
AND, OKAY, IN 2022, I GUESS WE
SHOULDN'T BE APPROPRIATING OTHER
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00:03:39,552 --> 00:03:43,189
CULTURES' DESSERT WRAPS.
BUT AT LEAST REPLACE IT WITH AN
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00:03:43,256 --> 00:03:55,969
AMERICAN FORM OF ICE CREAM.
MIGHT I RECOMMEND STEPHEN
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00:03:56,035 --> 00:03:59,205
COLBERT'S AMERICONE DREAM:
RIGHT THERE.
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00:03:59,272 --> 00:04:02,175
RIGHT THERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
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00:04:02,241 --> 00:04:07,213
MMM!
MMM!
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00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:13,920
VANILLA ICE CREAM, FUDGE-COVERED
WAFFLE BITS, AND A CARAMEL
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SWIRL.
IT'S BASICALLY LIKE IF A CHOCO
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00:04:17,991 --> 00:04:20,093
TACO GOT IN A TERRIBLE CAR
ACCIDENT.
54
00:04:20,159 --> 00:04:25,331
BUT OSING THE CHOCO TACO IS
STILL SHOCK-O, AND MY COLLEAGUES
55
00:04:25,398 --> 00:04:27,000
AT CABLE NEWS ARE ALL OVER IT.
MSNBC'S ALEX WAGNER, HOW DOES
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00:04:27,066 --> 00:04:29,502
THE END OF THE CHOCO TACO MAKE
YOU FEEL?
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00:04:29,569 --> 00:04:32,872
>> THERE IS HUNGER.
>> Stephen: THERE SURE IS.
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00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:38,611
( LAUGHTER )
DISCONTINUATION OF THE CHOCO
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TACO A DERELICTION OF LOYALTY?
A DERELICTION OF PATRIOTISM?
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00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:44,117
IS IT BREAKING THE LAW?
>> IT WAS A DERELICTION OF
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00:04:44,183 --> 00:04:46,319
LOYALTY, WAS A DERELICTION
OF PATRIOTISM.
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00:04:46,386 --> 00:04:49,222
IS IT BREAKING THE LAW?
I'LL LEAVE THAT TO THE LAWYERS.
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00:04:49,288 --> 00:04:52,091
>> Stephen: ADMIRABLE CAUTION,
JOHN.
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00:04:52,158 --> 00:04:56,095
AND, FINALLY, ARI MELBER, PUT
THE LOSS OF THIS FOLDED FROZEN
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00:04:56,162 --> 00:04:58,598
CONFECTION INTO HISTORICAL
CONTEXT FOR US.
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00:04:58,665 --> 00:05:02,869
>> WORSE THAN WATERGATE?
EASY CALL.
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00:05:02,935 --> 00:05:08,174
( LAUGHTER )
THANK YOU, ARI.
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00:05:08,241 --> 00:05:10,343
UNLIKE THE CHOCO TACO, SOME
THINGS JUST WON'T GO AWAY, LIKE
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00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:12,111
FORMER PRESIDENT DINGUS EX
MACHINA.
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00:05:12,178 --> 00:05:14,881
THIS AFTERNOON, THE OLD GRAY
LADY DROPPED A BOMBSHELL ABOUT
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00:05:14,947 --> 00:05:19,452
THE OLD ORANGE PRESIDENT AND HIS
PLAN TO STEAL THE 2020 ELECTION
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00:05:19,519 --> 00:05:21,988
BY APPOINTING SLATES OF FAKE
ELECTORS THAT MIKE PENCE WOULD
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00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:24,090
THEN COUNT AND TAKE THE ELECTION
AWAY FROM JOE BIDEN.
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00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:27,260
NOW, EVERYBODY'S BEEN CALLING
THEM "FAKE ELECTORS," BECAUSE
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00:05:27,326 --> 00:05:34,734
THEY WERE FAKE, AND THAT'S
A CRIME TO HAVE FAKE ELECTORS.
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00:05:34,801 --> 00:05:35,935
BUT SURELY THE PEOPLE WHO CRIMED
THE CRIME WOULDN'T CALL THEM
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00:05:36,002 --> 00:05:44,110
THAT, RIGHT?
BECAUSE THAT'S PROOF THAT THEY
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00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,879
KNEW THEIR CRIME WAS A CRIME
WHILE THEY CRIMED IT.
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00:05:46,946 --> 00:05:48,581
WELL, THE "TIMES" GOT THEIR
HANDS ON ACTUAL EMAILS FROM
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00:05:48,648 --> 00:05:50,249
THESE PLOTTERS, WHILE THEY WERE
PLOTTING, AND THEY REPEATEDLY
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00:05:50,316 --> 00:05:55,988
USED THE WORD "FAKE" TO REFER TO
THE SO-CALLED ELECTORS.
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00:05:56,055 --> 00:05:57,090
WELL, THEY JUST STRAIGHT-UP SAID
IT!
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00:05:57,156 --> 00:05:58,791
YOU'RE PLOTTING THE BIGGEST
CRIME IN AMERICAN HISTORY.
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00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:00,093
YOU MIGHT WANT TO USE SOME CODE
WORDS!
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00:06:00,159 --> 00:06:04,097
( AS MOBSTER )
CHOPPED UP IN TINY PIECES AT THE
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00:06:04,163 --> 00:06:06,899
BOTTOM OF A LAKE 'CUZ I DUMPED
HIS BODY OUT OF A BOAT.
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00:06:06,966 --> 00:06:08,901
AND HE'S NOT SLEEPING.
HE'S DEAD.
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00:06:08,968 --> 00:06:14,907
AND I FREAKIN' KILLED HIM."
( LAUGHTER )
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00:06:14,974 --> 00:06:24,183
ARIZONA LAWYER AND MAN WHO
HASN'T SEEN HIS NEW HAIRCUT, YET
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00:06:24,250 --> 00:06:25,985
JACK WILENCHIK.
WILENCHIK HELPED ORGANIZE THE
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00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:27,920
ELECTION SCAM IN ARIZONA AND
DESCRIBED THE PLAN THIS WAY:
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00:06:27,987 --> 00:06:29,522
"WE WOULD JUST BE SENDING
'FAKE' ELECTORAL VOTES TO PENCE
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00:06:29,589 --> 00:06:31,991
SO THAT SOMEONE IN CONGRESS CAN
MAKE AN OBJECTION WHEN THEY
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00:06:32,058 --> 00:06:35,661
START COUNTING VOTES AND START
ARGUING THAT THE 'FAKE' VOTES
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00:06:35,728 --> 00:06:38,131
SHOULD BE COUNTED."
DOES HE KNOW THAT ADDING QUOTES
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00:06:38,197 --> 00:06:42,935
DOESN'T MAKE A CRIME NOT
ILLEGAL?
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00:06:43,002 --> 00:06:44,937
YOU CAN'T JUST TELL A
COP:
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00:06:45,004 --> 00:06:48,941
"OFFICER, I'M INNOCENT.
I WAS "DOING DONUTS" IN A
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00:06:49,008 --> 00:06:55,948
"HOSPITAL LOBBY" WHILE
"CHUGGING A 40 OF FIREBALL."
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00:06:56,015 --> 00:06:59,952
I'LL, GOING NOW.
AFTER REPEATEDLY CALLING THEM
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00:07:00,019 --> 00:07:02,588
FAKE, IN A FOLLOW-UP EMAIL,
WILENCHIK WROTE THAT
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00:07:02,655 --> 00:07:05,892
"'ALTERNATIVE' VOTES IS PROBABLY
A BETTER TERM THAN 'FAKE'
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00:07:05,958 --> 00:07:08,661
VOTES," ADDING A SMILEY FACE
EMOJI.
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00:07:08,728 --> 00:07:12,899
( LAUGHTER )
HE REALIZED HE INCRIMINATED
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00:07:12,965 --> 00:07:18,905
HIMSELF IN EMAIL, THEN HE
ADMITTED IT IN THE NEXT EMAIL?
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00:07:18,971 --> 00:07:22,108
SHRUG EMOJI, POOP EMOJI, FOR
BRAIN EMOJI.
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00:07:22,175 --> 00:07:31,918
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WORDS.
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00:07:31,984 --> 00:07:36,923
NOW, ANOTHER OF THE PLOTTERS
REPEATEDLY REFERRED TO CLETA
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00:07:36,989 --> 00:07:39,826
MITCHELL, A LAWYER HELPING THE
FORMER PRESIDENT, AS
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00:07:39,892 --> 00:07:45,932
"CLITA" AND "CLAVITA."
THAT'S A SURPRISE.
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00:07:45,998 --> 00:07:48,568
MOST REPUBLICAN MEN CAN'T
FIND THE CLAVITA.
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00:07:48,634 --> 00:07:59,078
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERING )
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00:07:59,145 --> 00:08:01,881
TIME SINCE HE LEFT THE WHITE
HOUSE IN DISGRACE, THE FORMER
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00:08:01,948 --> 00:08:05,885
PRESIDENT RETURNED TO WASHINGTON
TO DELIVER A SPEECH ON CRIME.
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00:08:05,952 --> 00:08:10,890
WOW!
THAT TAKES A BIG SWINGING PAIR
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00:08:10,957 --> 00:08:12,558
TO RETURN TO THE SCENE OF YOUR
ATTEMPT TO OVERTHROW THE
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00:08:12,625 --> 00:08:13,492
GOVERNMENT AND THEN GIVE A
SPEECH ABOUT CRIME
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00:08:13,559 --> 00:08:15,127
PREVENTION.
IT'S LIKE BUFFALO BILL COMING
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00:08:15,194 --> 00:08:24,904
BACK TO ANNOUNCE AN ENDORSEMENT
DEAL WITH AVEENO.
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00:08:24,971 --> 00:08:28,908
( AS BUFFALO BILL )
OR IT GETS THE DRYNESS AGAIN."
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00:08:28,975 --> 00:08:36,916
"I'D MOISTURIZE ME."
( LAUGHTER )
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00:08:36,983 --> 00:08:42,922
THAT'S A DISTURBING IMAGE.
YOU'RE ALL WELCOME.
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00:08:42,989 --> 00:08:44,924
YOU'RE ALL WELCOME FOR THAT
IMAGE IN YOUR HEAD.
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00:08:44,991 --> 00:08:46,225
THE FORMER PRESIDENT ISN'T THE
ONLY 2024 HOPEFUL WHO GAVE A
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00:08:46,292 --> 00:08:50,229
SPEECH IN D.C. TODAY.
SO DID HIS FORMER V.P. MIKE
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00:08:50,296 --> 00:08:58,237
PENCE.
HERE'S THE VEEP'S BIG ENTRANCE
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00:08:58,304 --> 00:09:10,216
AT THE YOUTH AMERICA FOUNDATION:
♪ ♪ ♪
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00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:14,887
>> Stephen: WOOO!
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00:09:14,954 --> 00:09:17,323
TALK ABOUT RAZZLE-DAZZLE!
ROCK 'N ROLL, NEON!
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00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:19,659
THE SPEECH WAS ELECTRIC!
UNTIL HE GAVE IT:
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00:09:19,725 --> 00:09:23,896
>> OUR LIVES HAVE CHANGED A LOT
SINCE THE LAST TIME WE WERE
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00:09:23,963 --> 00:09:26,899
TOGETHER.
WE MOVED BACK TO INDIANA, WE
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00:09:26,966 --> 00:09:33,906
BOUGHT FIVE ACRES AND A POND.
I GOT A RIDING MOWER, JOHN
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00:09:33,973 --> 00:09:40,913
DEERE, ZERO-TURN RADIUS, 54-INCH
DECK, 25 HORSEPOWER.
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00:09:40,980 --> 00:09:44,917
>> Stephen: DON'T MAKE US THINK
ABOUT GRASS GROWING, MIKE.
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00:09:44,984 --> 00:09:46,986
IT'S MORE EXCITING THAN YOU ARE.
( LAUGHTER )
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00:09:47,053 --> 00:09:51,924
LOOKS LIKE THESE DAYS, INSISTING
HE'S A REGULAR GUY.
138
00:09:51,991 --> 00:09:56,829
>> KAREN AND I CAN CONFIRM NOW
WITH PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, YOU
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00:09:56,896 --> 00:10:00,833
CAN BE THE GOVERNOR OF YOUR HOME
STATE FOR FOUR, YOU CAN EVEN BE
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00:10:00,900 --> 00:10:04,837
VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES OF AMERICA, BUT YOU ARE
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00:10:04,904 --> 00:10:07,940
STILL GOING TO WAIT 25 MINUTES
FOR A TABLE AT OLIVE GARDEN ON
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00:10:08,007 --> 00:10:11,711
SATURDAY NIGHT AT 7:00.
>> Stephen: OLIVE GARDEN AT
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00:10:11,777 --> 00:10:13,579
7:00 P.M.
THAT'S A PRETTY HOT SATURDAY
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00:10:13,646 --> 00:10:15,581
NIGHT.
( AS PENCE )
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00:10:15,648 --> 00:10:21,020
NO THANK YOU, I'M DRIVING."
ONE REPUBLICAN WHO WON'T BE
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00:10:21,087 --> 00:10:27,193
SUPPORTING PENCE IS FLORIDA
CONGRESSMAN MATT GAETZ, SEEN
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00:10:27,259 --> 00:10:28,894
HERE CHEERING AT THE WRONG PART
OF THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT
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00:10:28,961 --> 00:10:32,164
SEMINAR.
( LAUGHTER )
149
00:10:32,231 --> 00:10:36,702
TRAFFICKING AN UNDERAGE WOMAN
FOR SEX, BUT IT HASN'T AFFECTED
150
00:10:36,769 --> 00:10:39,605
HIS SPEAKING SCHEDULE.
OVER THE WEEKEND, HE APPEARED AT
151
00:10:39,672 --> 00:10:43,009
THE ULTRACONSERVATIVE GROUP,
TURNING POINT USA'S, ANNUAL
152
00:10:43,075 --> 00:10:44,977
STUDENT ACTION SUMMIT.
GAETZ WILL ATTEND ANYTHING WITH
153
00:10:45,044 --> 00:10:47,279
THE WORDS "STUDENT" AND "ACTION"
IN THE TITLE.
154
00:10:47,346 --> 00:10:51,650
( LAUGHTER )
AND DURING HIS SPEECH--
155
00:10:51,717 --> 00:10:58,024
( APPLAUSE )
NOT SURE WHAT WE'RE APPLAUDING,
156
00:10:58,090 --> 00:11:00,826
BUT I'M IN.
DURING HIS SPEECH, GAETZ SAID
157
00:11:00,893 --> 00:11:04,830
THIS ABOUT PENCE:
>> LET ME JUST SAY WHAT
158
00:11:04,897 --> 00:11:08,200
EVERYBODY HERE KNOWS: MIKE PENCE
WILL NEVER BE PRESIDENT.
159
00:11:08,267 --> 00:11:12,905
( CHEERING )
>> Stephen: OH, SNAP.
160
00:11:12,972 --> 00:11:16,842
( LAUGHTER )
A GUY WHO'S NOT ALLOWED WITHIN
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00:11:16,909 --> 00:11:30,256
50 FEET OF ONE.
IT
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00:11:30,322 --> 00:11:31,857
IN HAPPIER NEWS THAN MATT GAETZ:
MONKEYPOX.
163
00:11:31,924 --> 00:11:33,125
I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST
IN MY I REALLY WISH THIS WASN'T
164
00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:36,829
A RECURRING SEGMENT:
♪ MAMA CALLED THE DOCTOR
165
00:11:36,896 --> 00:11:39,598
AND THE DOCTOR SAID
♪ NO MORE MONKEY POX SPREADING
166
00:11:39,665 --> 00:11:44,837
ON THE BED!
>> Stephen: MONKEYPOX FIRST
167
00:11:44,904 --> 00:11:48,841
APPEARED IN THE U.S. BACK IN
MAY, AND UNLIKE WITH COVID, WE
168
00:11:48,908 --> 00:11:51,610
REALLY SHOULD HAVE BEEN READY,
BECAUSE THERE'S A PRE-EXISTING
169
00:11:51,677 --> 00:11:56,449
VACCINE.
IN FACT, THE UNITED STATES. OWNS
170
00:11:56,515 --> 00:11:58,951
WELL OVER A MILLION DOSES.
BUT BY JUNE, NEW YORK CITY HAD
171
00:11:59,018 --> 00:12:00,853
ONLY 1,000 DOSES AVAILABLE.
THAT'S NOTHING!
172
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:03,789
A THOUSAND NEW YORKERS IS
THE WAITLIST FOR BRUNCH.
173
00:12:03,856 --> 00:12:08,828
( LAUGHTER )
PUBLIC HEALTH CRISIS.
174
00:12:08,894 --> 00:12:12,731
BUT IN THE FIRST FEW WEEKS AFTER
MONKEYPOX ARRIVED IN THE U.S.,
175
00:12:12,798 --> 00:12:15,501
THE GOVERNMENT REQUESTED ONLY
72,000 DOSES, TAKING WHAT'S NOW
176
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:18,237
BEING CALLED A "WAIT-AND-SEE
ATTITUDE."
177
00:12:18,304 --> 00:12:22,942
NOT THE URGENCY YOU'RE LOOKING
FOR IN AN EMERGENCY.
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00:12:23,008 --> 00:12:25,945
YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR A
LIFE GUARD SAY, "LOOKS LIKE YOU
179
00:12:26,011 --> 00:12:29,582
MIGHT BE DROWNING, BUT LET'S
WAIT AND SEE.
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00:12:29,648 --> 00:12:34,787
WHAT'S THAT?
WELL, A VERY "GLUG-GLUG" TO YOU,
181
00:12:34,854 --> 00:12:38,057
TOO.
SO WHERE'S ALL THE VACCINE WE
182
00:12:38,124 --> 00:12:41,127
ALREADY OWN?
IT'S CURRENTLY IN DENMARK, BUT
183
00:12:41,193 --> 00:12:43,863
WE HAVEN'T SHIPPED IT OVER HERE
BECAUSE OFFICIALS SAID THE
184
00:12:43,929 --> 00:12:46,799
STORAGE FACILITIES IN AMERICA
AREN'T AS COLD AS THE DENMARK
185
00:12:46,866 --> 00:12:53,272
FACILITY.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT IS AS COLD?
186
00:12:53,339 --> 00:12:54,807
THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER.
SEND THOSE VACCINES TO ME.
187
00:12:54,874 --> 00:12:58,544
I'LL STICK 'EM BEHIND MY DESK.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
188
00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:02,815
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE CHARLAMAGNE THA
189
00:13:02,882 --> 00:13:05,918
GOD AND STAR OF "STRANGER
THINGS," BRETT GELMAN.
190
00:13:05,985 --> 00:13:06,986
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE"!
191
00:13:08,287 --> 00:13:09,288
JOIN US, WON'T YOU.
192
00:13:49,028 --> 00:13:55,734
GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND!
IT'S LOUIS CATO.
193
00:13:55,801 --> 00:14:01,407
AND...
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
194
00:14:01,473 --> 00:14:07,513
>> Louis: YES.
>> Stephen: LET ME DO THIS
195
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:08,981
TONIGHT.
TONIGHT, SITTING WITH THE BAND,
196
00:14:09,048 --> 00:14:11,584
THE WONDERFUL ST. VINCENT IS
HERE TONIGHT.
197
00:14:11,650 --> 00:14:14,186
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE.
198
00:14:14,253 --> 00:14:21,527
( APPLAUSE )
"MARTHA MY DEAR" BY THE BEATLES.
199
00:14:21,594 --> 00:14:23,896
AND I DON'T THINK I HAVE TOLD
YOU THIS BEFORE.
200
00:14:23,963 --> 00:14:28,901
WE HAD YOU ON THE SHOW BEFORE.
YOUR COVER OF "DIG A PONY" I
201
00:14:28,968 --> 00:14:32,972
THINK MIGHT BE BETTER THAN THE
BEATLES' "DIG A PONY."
202
00:14:33,038 --> 00:14:38,210
DON'T TELL JOHN LENNON I SAID
THAT.
203
00:14:38,277 --> 00:14:39,378
UNBELIEVABLE.
>> THANK YOU.
204
00:14:39,445 --> 00:14:44,984
>> Stephen: ANY CHANCE I COULD
GET A LITTLE "DIG A PONY"?
205
00:14:45,050 --> 00:14:47,720
>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH.
206
00:14:47,786 --> 00:14:50,723
>> Stephen: THIS IS WORKING
OUT.
207
00:14:50,789 --> 00:14:53,726
ALSO, COMING OUT HERE IN JUST A
LITTLE WHILE, OUR FRIEND
208
00:14:53,792 --> 00:14:55,728
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD WILL BE OUT
HERE IN JUST A MOMENT.
209
00:14:55,794 --> 00:15:00,666
( APPLAUSE )
WEEK," COMEDY CENTRAL.
210
00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:03,435
AND FROM "STRANGER THINGS," ONE
OF THE STARS, BRETT GELMAN WILL
211
00:15:03,502 --> 00:15:05,838
BE OUT HERE IN JUST A LITTLE
WHILE.
212
00:15:05,904 --> 00:15:11,377
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
Y'KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF
213
00:15:11,443 --> 00:15:14,213
MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE,
SELECTING THE DAY'S BIGGEST,
214
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:17,549
MOST-IMPORTANT NEWS, CAREFULLY
LAYING IT OUT ON A STORY CANVAS,
215
00:15:17,616 --> 00:15:20,986
MIXING CHROMA, HUE, AND VALUE
IN AN ELEGANT AND TOPICAL DANCE
216
00:15:21,053 --> 00:15:26,191
TO CREATE FOR YOU THE SUBTLE,
MOVING, AND TIMELESS CLAUDE
217
00:15:26,258 --> 00:15:29,495
MONET MAGNUM OPUS THAT IS MY
NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.
218
00:15:29,561 --> 00:15:30,763
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES,
FOLKS, I WAKE UP IN AN ABANDONED
219
00:15:30,829 --> 00:15:32,965
TRAIN CAR, SCAVENGE SOME
LEFTOVER INSTANT NOODLES AND THE
220
00:15:33,032 --> 00:15:35,301
CHEWING GUM OUT OF THE MOUTH OF
A SLEEPING HOBO, THEN STICK IT
221
00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:37,836
ALL TO THE BACK OF A SCRAP OF
CARPET TO PRESENT THE DRIFTER'S
222
00:15:37,903 --> 00:15:42,207
MACARONI ART OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT:
223
00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:53,986
MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
224
00:15:54,053 --> 00:16:02,194
MEANWHILE, ON SUNDAY JENNIFER
LOPEZ CELEBRATED HER 53rd
225
00:16:02,261 --> 00:16:05,898
BIRTHDAY WITH A NUDE PHOTO SHOOT
TO PROMOTE HER NEW "FIRM AND
226
00:16:05,964 --> 00:16:08,967
FLAUNT TARGETED BOOTY BALM."
WHAT?
227
00:16:09,034 --> 00:16:13,072
COME ON, J-LO.
COME ON.
228
00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:18,210
I MEAN, YOU LOOK GREAT, BUT
THAT'S MY THING.
229
00:16:18,277 --> 00:16:26,185
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
EVEN "MORE" FOOTBALL?
230
00:16:26,251 --> 00:16:27,986
THE N.F.L. HOPES SO, BECAUSE
THEY'RE LAUNCHING THEIR OWN
231
00:16:28,053 --> 00:16:30,189
STREAMING SERVICE FOR THE FIRST
TIME CALLED NFL+.
232
00:16:30,255 --> 00:16:34,193
IT'S A SIMILAR MODEL TO
CNN+, BUT WITH VIEWERS.
233
00:16:34,259 --> 00:16:40,966
( LAUGHTER )
I'M GOING TO TELL YOU.
234
00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:42,735
THE SUBSCRIPTION INCLUDES
ALL OUT-OF-MARKET PRESEASON
235
00:16:42,801 --> 00:16:45,170
GAMES, LIVE MOBILE DEVICE ACCESS
TO LOCAL AND PRIME-TIME REGULAR
236
00:16:45,237 --> 00:16:50,209
SEASON AND POSTSEASON GAMES,
AND N.F.L. NETWORK SHOWS ON
237
00:16:50,275 --> 00:16:54,179
DEMAND AND ARCHIVED N.F.L. FILMS
PROGRAMMING FOR $4.99 A MONTH,
238
00:16:54,246 --> 00:16:56,982
MAKING IT, BY FAR, THE MOST
ECONOMICAL WAY TO TELL YOUR
239
00:16:57,049 --> 00:16:58,951
SPOUSE, "I'VE GIVEN UP ON THIS
MARRIAGE."
240
00:16:59,017 --> 00:17:06,692
( LAUGHTER )
THAT WAS A REALLY LONG WALK.
241
00:17:06,759 --> 00:17:11,630
WORTH THE WAIT.
WE GOT THERE TOGETHER, THOUGH.
242
00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:14,967
MEANWHILE, A GOAT IN PAKISTAN
HAS GONE VIRAL FOR HAVING EARS
243
00:17:15,033 --> 00:17:18,203
SO LONG, THEY "DANGLE 23
INCHES."
244
00:17:18,270 --> 00:17:20,973
WHEN CHOOSING A NAME FOR THIS
ANIMAL WITH COMICALLY LARGE
245
00:17:21,039 --> 00:17:24,777
EARS, THE OWNER CHOSE THE
MOST LOGICAL DISNEY CHARACTER:
246
00:17:24,843 --> 00:17:26,311
SIMBA.
( LAUGHTER )
247
00:17:26,378 --> 00:17:29,782
NOT DUMBO?
"CHECK IT OUT.
248
00:17:29,848 --> 00:17:31,049
I FOUND THIS REINDEER WITH A
NOSE THAT GLOWS RED.
249
00:17:31,116 --> 00:17:34,186
SAY HELLO TO GARFIELD THE RED
NOSED REINDEER.
250
00:17:34,253 --> 00:17:38,991
HE LOVES LASAGNA."
( LAUGHTER )
251
00:17:39,057 --> 00:17:44,930
THAT THESE DAYS MORE PEOPLE ARE
DATING WITHOUT DRINKING, AND
252
00:17:44,997 --> 00:17:49,601
THAT THEY PREFER TO MEET
POTENTIAL PARTNERS FOR COFFEE,
253
00:17:49,668 --> 00:17:50,969
A FAVORITE HOBBY, OR A STROLL.
OKAY, COFFEE AND A STROLL I GET.
254
00:17:51,036 --> 00:17:53,839
BUT HOBBIES CAN BE PRETTY
SPECIFIC.
255
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,975
"HEY, SO FOR OUR FIRST DATE, I'M
THINKING YOU COME OVER AND WATCH
256
00:17:57,042 --> 00:17:59,945
ME PAINT MY WARCRAFT FIGURINES.
DON'T WORRY, YOU'LL BE SOBER THE
257
00:18:00,012 --> 00:18:05,751
WHOLE TIME."
( LAUGHTER )
258
00:18:05,818 --> 00:18:08,987
AFFORDABLE PLACE TO LIVE IN NEW
YORK CITY?
259
00:18:09,054 --> 00:18:14,193
HOW ABOUT THIS ONE-BEDROOM
BROOKLYN SAILBOAT FOR RENT AT
260
00:18:14,259 --> 00:18:20,999
$600 A MONTH WHERE YOU SHOWER--
QUOTE-- "AT A NEARBY GYM."
261
00:18:21,066 --> 00:18:22,668
IT'S OPEN CONCEPT, IN THAT YOU
MUST BE OPEN TO THE CONCEPT OF
262
00:18:22,734 --> 00:18:26,972
WATCHING OLD MEN BLOW DRY THEIR
GROINS.
263
00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:32,478
IF THAT SEEMS A LITTLE LOW RENT,
A HAMPTONS HOME WITH A
264
00:18:32,544 --> 00:18:34,213
$1 MILLION TV JUST SOLD FOR
$30 MILLION.
265
00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:38,183
THE MILLION-DOLLAR TV IS
EIGHT FEET TALL, 18 FEET WIDE,
266
00:18:38,250 --> 00:18:41,954
BY A FIRE PIT.
IT'S HYDRAULIC, AND POPS OUT
267
00:18:42,020 --> 00:18:44,990
FROM THE GROUND, DROPPING BACK
IN IF IT'S RAINING.
268
00:18:45,057 --> 00:18:46,425
ALSO MAKES A HANDY WALL AGAINST
WHICH YOU WILL BE LINED UP AND
269
00:18:46,492 --> 00:18:49,394
SHOT WHEN THE REVOLUTION COMES.
( LAUGHTER )
270
00:18:49,461 --> 00:19:02,207
MEANWHILE, VELVEETA JUST
RELEASED A LIQUID MAC AND
271
00:19:02,274 --> 00:19:05,210
CHEESE MARTINI.
IT'S THE PERFECT DRINK FOR
272
00:19:05,277 --> 00:19:08,981
ANYONE WHO SAYS, "I WANT TO GET
DRUNK AND EAT FONDUE, BUT I
273
00:19:09,047 --> 00:19:12,317
DON'T WANT TO DIRTY TWO DISHES."
THIS AFFRONT TO GOD IS A RIFF ON
274
00:19:12,384 --> 00:19:14,987
A DIRTY MARTINI THAT FEATURES
VELVEETA-CHEESE-INFUSED VODKA
275
00:19:15,053 --> 00:19:18,190
STIRRED WITH OLIVE BRINE AND DRY
VERMOUTH, GARNISHED WITH
276
00:19:18,257 --> 00:19:26,198
VELVEETA-STUFFED OLIVES,
JUMBO-SIZE VELVEETA CHEESE
277
00:19:26,265 --> 00:19:34,206
SHELLS, AND A CHEESE DRIP, AND
IS CALLED "THE VELTINI," WHICH
278
00:19:34,273 --> 00:19:38,510
"A CRY FOR HELP."
CRY FOR HELP."
279
00:19:38,577 --> 00:19:42,080
BECAUSE WE ARE SPECIAL,
WE WERE ABLE TO GET OUR HANDS ON
280
00:19:42,147 --> 00:19:44,983
A VELTINI.
LET'S GIVE IT WHIRL.
281
00:19:45,050 --> 00:19:47,052
( LAUGHTER )
( GAGS )
282
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,002
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD.
283
00:20:31,029 --> 00:20:39,972
WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW."
FOLKS, MY FIRST GUEST IS A
284
00:20:40,038 --> 00:20:45,811
CO-HOST OF THE RADIO SHOW "THE
BREAKFAST CLUB."
285
00:20:45,877 --> 00:20:46,979
HIS LATE-NIGHT TELEVISION
SHOW RETURNS THIS THURSDAY WITH
286
00:20:47,045 --> 00:20:49,314
A NEW NAME: "HELL OF A WEEK WITH
CHARLAMAGNE THE GOD."
287
00:20:49,381 --> 00:20:55,454
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE
SHOW," CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD!
288
00:20:55,520 --> 00:21:04,463
♪ ♪ ♪
289
00:21:04,529 --> 00:21:07,633
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU
290
00:21:07,699 --> 00:21:09,835
AGAIN.
>> HOW ARE YOU.
291
00:21:09,901 --> 00:21:12,170
>> Stephen: I'M DOING WELL.
THAT' MIQUESTION TO YOU.
292
00:21:12,237 --> 00:21:15,641
THE THING I LIKE ABOUT YOU IS
THAT YOU CARE ABOUT PEOPLE'S
293
00:21:15,707 --> 00:21:18,744
FEELINGS?
YOU CARE ABOUT PEOPLE.
294
00:21:18,810 --> 00:21:21,813
WHEN YOU ASK THAT QUESTION I
KNOW YOU MEAN IT.
295
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:25,183
HOW ARE YOU CHARLEMAGNE.
>> HOW AM I?
296
00:21:25,250 --> 00:21:28,453
I'M DOING BETTER THAN THE CHOCO
TACO.
297
00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:31,623
GOD HAS NOT BIS DISS CONTINUED
ME YET.
298
00:21:31,690 --> 00:21:32,958
I'M HERE.
>> Stephen: WHEN YOU WERE
299
00:21:33,025 --> 00:21:34,126
BORN?
>> 1978.
300
00:21:34,192 --> 00:21:36,428
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A FEW YEARS
OLDER THAN THE CHOCO TACO.
301
00:21:36,495 --> 00:21:38,530
>> 40.
>> Stephen: YOU LOOK BETTER
302
00:21:38,597 --> 00:21:41,433
THOUGH.
>> I MADE IT FARTHER THAN THE
303
00:21:41,500 --> 00:21:44,202
CHOCO TACO.
>> Stephen: THAT'S AN
304
00:21:44,269 --> 00:21:47,506
ACCOMPLISHMENT.
>> THAT IS AN ACCOMPLISHMENT.
305
00:21:47,572 --> 00:21:50,876
( APPLAUSE ).
STAYING OPTIMISTIC AND DEALING
306
00:21:50,942 --> 00:21:53,979
WITH YOUR ANXIETY THESE DAYS?
BECAUSE I KNOW THAT YOU'RE VERY
307
00:21:54,046 --> 00:21:57,783
OPEN ABOUT YOUR-- YOUR ISSUES
WITH ANXIETY, WHICH I HAVE AS
308
00:21:57,849 --> 00:21:59,518
WELL.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO FUNCTION
309
00:21:59,584 --> 00:22:02,120
THESE DAYS?
>> THE SAME THINGS, THERAPY,
310
00:22:02,187 --> 00:22:06,124
BREATHING EXERCISES, MEDITATION,
EDIBLES.
311
00:22:06,191 --> 00:22:10,929
AND I THINK THAT, YOU KNOW,
PESSIMISM HAS NEVER WON ANY
312
00:22:10,996 --> 00:22:14,232
BATTLES SO THOSE MOMENTS WHEN
YOU FEEL LIKE CHICKEN LITTLE AND
313
00:22:14,299 --> 00:22:15,934
THE SKY IS FALLING, LIKE MY
THERAPIST SAYS, "YOU HAVE TO
314
00:22:16,001 --> 00:22:19,938
FEEL YOUR FEELS."
SKY IS FALLING.
315
00:22:20,005 --> 00:22:22,140
LET'S BE CLEAR ON THAT.
>> Stephen: IT DOES NOT HELP
316
00:22:22,207 --> 00:22:23,975
TO DENY IT.
>> THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
317
00:22:24,042 --> 00:22:26,745
SOMETIMES YOU GO CRAZY BECAUSE
YOU WATCH THE NEWS AND YOU FEEL
318
00:22:26,812 --> 00:22:30,549
LIKE PEOPLE AREN'T SPEAKING TO
THE SENSE OF URGENCY THAT I FEEL
319
00:22:30,615 --> 00:22:33,151
IS AT HAND.
AND I THINK IT'S THE URGENCY OF
320
00:22:33,218 --> 00:22:33,985
THE MATTER.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU BEEN
321
00:22:34,052 --> 00:22:35,520
FOLLOWING THE JANUARY 6
HEARINGS?
322
00:22:35,587 --> 00:22:38,123
>> YES.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE THERE'S A
323
00:22:38,190 --> 00:22:42,828
SENSE OF URGENCY THERE.
WHEN I WATCH IT, MY FIRST
324
00:22:42,894 --> 00:22:47,032
FEELING, WHEN I SAW THE FIRST
TIME A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO IS
325
00:22:47,099 --> 00:22:49,034
GRATITUDE.
THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WHO ARE
326
00:22:49,101 --> 00:22:51,870
LOOKING AT THE WORLD WITH A
SENSE OF URGENCY AND DOING THEIR
327
00:22:51,937 --> 00:22:52,838
JOB.
( APPLAUSE )
328
00:22:52,904 --> 00:22:56,641
OF THEM SO FAR?
>> YOU KNOW, I'M SKEPTICAL.
329
00:22:56,708 --> 00:22:59,044
YOU KNOW, I HOPE THAT THE RIGHT
THING GETS DONE.
330
00:22:59,111 --> 00:23:02,848
BUT I THINK THE MEDIA HAS TO
STOP SAYING THINGS-- WELL,
331
00:23:02,914 --> 00:23:05,117
ASKING QUESTIONS LIKE , YOU
KNOW, "SHOULD DONALD TRUMP BE
332
00:23:05,183 --> 00:23:09,221
PROSECUTED FOR HIS ROLE IN THE
INSURRECTION?"
333
00:23:09,287 --> 00:23:13,925
LIKE, IT'S LIKE, "NO, MAKE A
STATEMENT.
334
00:23:13,992 --> 00:23:17,195
DONALD TRUMP SHOULD BE
PROSECUTED FOR HIS ROLE IN THE
335
00:23:17,262 --> 00:23:17,929
INSURRECTION.
RIGHT, YOU KNOW.
336
00:23:17,996 --> 00:23:22,934
>>
( APPLAUSE ).
337
00:23:23,001 --> 00:23:26,538
PROSECUTE HIM THEN, YOU KNOW, IT
GIVES HIM THE OPPORTUNITY TO
338
00:23:26,605 --> 00:23:30,542
SAY, "SEE, ANOTHER WITCH HUNT."
YOU KNOW, IT GIVES HIM THE
339
00:23:30,609 --> 00:23:33,578
OPPORTUNITY TO SAY, "SEE, THEY
KEEP DIGGING FOR THINGS, BUT
340
00:23:33,645 --> 00:23:36,047
THINGS AREN'T THERE."
IF THEY CAN ACTUALLY CHARGE HIM
341
00:23:36,114 --> 00:23:38,483
AND PROSECUTE HIM, WHICH IT
LOOKS LIKE THEY HAVE THE
342
00:23:38,550 --> 00:23:39,951
EVIDENCE TO DO, DO IT.
SIMPLE AS THAT.
343
00:23:40,018 --> 00:23:41,920
REMEMBER LAST TIME I WAS HERE--
I THINK IT WAS THE LAST TIME I
344
00:23:41,987 --> 00:23:44,322
WAS HERE EYE SAID THAT WAS ONE
OF THE FOUR THINGS THAT NEEDED
345
00:23:44,389 --> 00:23:47,959
TO BE DONE TO PROTECT DEMOCRACY.
YOU HAVE TO PROSECUTE EVERYBODY
346
00:23:48,026 --> 00:23:51,429
INVOLVED IN WANT ATTEMPTED COUP
OF THIS COUNTRY ON JANUARY 6.
347
00:23:51,496 --> 00:23:53,398
>> Stephen: YEAH, THERE ARE
CONSEQUENCES FOR THAT?
348
00:23:53,465 --> 00:23:55,934
WHAT ARE THERE CONSEQUENCES FOR?
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
349
00:23:56,001 --> 00:23:57,869
>> Stephen: WHY DO WE HAVE
THIS SYSTEM OF GOVERNMENT.
350
00:23:57,936 --> 00:24:00,772
YOU DON'T LET THE DEMOCRATS OFF
THE HOOK.
351
00:24:00,839 --> 00:24:02,841
I'M CURIOUS WHAT YOU MEAN WHEN
YOU SAY THE DEMOCRATS HAVE BE
352
00:24:02,908 --> 00:24:07,412
TOO HELD ADMOWBL THIS MOMENT?
>> BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, DEMOCRATS
353
00:24:07,479 --> 00:24:09,981
ARE IN POWER RIGHT NOW, YOU
KNOW, FOR THE MOST PART.
354
00:24:10,048 --> 00:24:14,186
THEY HAVE THE WHITE HOUSE.
YOU KNOW, THEY-- THEY HAVE THE
355
00:24:14,252 --> 00:24:16,154
HOUSE.
THEY-- THEY DON'T TECHNICALLY
356
00:24:16,221 --> 00:24:19,825
HAVE THE SENATE, BUT IT COULD BE
A 50-50 FOR SOMETHING LIKE
357
00:24:19,891 --> 00:24:22,994
GETTING RID OF THE FILIBUSTER.
THEY COULD VOTE TO GET RID OF
358
00:24:23,061 --> 00:24:25,964
THE FILIBUSTER AND PROPERLY
LEGISLATE, IF THEY COULD GETEC
359
00:24:26,031 --> 00:24:32,003
ON BOARD, THE JOE MANCHINS, AND
OTHER DINOS IN THE PARTY.
360
00:24:32,070 --> 00:24:36,975
THAT'S "DEMOCRATS IN NAME ONLY."
I DIDN'T MEAN THAT LIKE OLD.
361
00:24:37,042 --> 00:24:40,312
NOT OLD AND PREHISTORIC BUT THAT
KIND OF DINO.
362
00:24:40,378 --> 00:24:43,548
IF THEY COULD GET EVERYBODY IN
LINE THEY COULD VOTE FOR THE
363
00:24:43,615 --> 00:24:45,317
FILIBUSTER.
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU DO
364
00:24:45,383 --> 00:24:50,155
THAT.
IF JOE MANCHIN AND KRISTEN
365
00:24:50,222 --> 00:24:52,324
CINEMA?
>> YOU MIGHT HAVE TO PULL A PAGE
366
00:24:52,390 --> 00:24:56,228
OUT OF THE GUY'S NAME YOU DON'T
LIKE TO SAY ON THIS SHOW AND
367
00:24:56,294 --> 00:24:59,831
BOOK AND SHAME THESE PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: HE SHAMED THEM BY
368
00:24:59,898 --> 00:25:02,500
SAYING WE'LL VOTE YOU OUT.
ARE YOU WILLING TO LOSE A COUPLE
369
00:25:02,567 --> 00:25:05,203
OF SENATORS.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE THEM NOW.
370
00:25:05,270 --> 00:25:10,242
EVERYBODY SAYS, "JOE MANCHIN
WHAT IF HE GOES TO THE
371
00:25:10,308 --> 00:25:12,677
REPUBLICAN PARTY?
YOU DON'T HAVE HIM NOW!
372
00:25:12,744 --> 00:25:15,413
YOU VOTE TO GET RID OF THE
FILIBUSTER, EXPAND THE SUPREME
373
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:17,048
COURT SO YOU CAN PROTECT OUR
RIGHTS.
374
00:25:17,115 --> 00:25:19,985
AND YOU CAN PASS THE JOHN LEWIS
VOTING RIGHTS ACT AND THE
375
00:25:20,051 --> 00:25:23,188
FREEDOM TO VOTE ACT.
TO ME, MAN, THE ONLY THING ON
376
00:25:23,255 --> 00:25:26,858
THE BALLOT COME THE MIDTERMS AND
2024 IS DEMOCRACY.
377
00:25:26,925 --> 00:25:30,729
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU ALL REALIZE,
WE'RE IN THE END SCAM GAMENOW.
378
00:25:30,795 --> 00:25:33,899
LIKE, WE'RE LITERALLY IN THE END
GAME NOW.
379
00:25:33,965 --> 00:25:38,236
WE HAVE TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO
GET OUR OWN INFINITY STONES AND
380
00:25:38,303 --> 00:25:42,040
BRING PEOPLE BACK AT THIS POINT.
>> Stephen: OKAY, SO, PEOPLE
381
00:25:42,107 --> 00:25:46,211
ARE SAYING-- MANY PEOPLE OUT
THERE ARE SAYING THAT PRESIDENT
382
00:25:46,278 --> 00:25:49,114
BIDEN SHOULDN'T RUN AGAIN.
AND I KNOW YOU WERE A BERNIE
383
00:25:49,180 --> 00:25:51,182
FAN, WEREN'T YOU?
>> UHM--
384
00:25:51,249 --> 00:25:53,518
>> Stephen: WHO WAS YOUR FAN?
>> I LIKE BERNIE.
385
00:25:53,585 --> 00:25:55,487
BERNIE IS COOL.
I DON'T REALLY LIKE NOBODY.
386
00:25:55,553 --> 00:25:59,190
I DON'T REALLY LIKE NOBODY.
YOU KNOW, I THINK WE ALL DID THE
387
00:25:59,257 --> 00:26:02,794
BEST WE COULD, RIGHT?
I'M A BIG FAN OF THE FOUR
388
00:26:02,861 --> 00:26:04,296
AGREEMENTS.
THE LAST AGREEMENT IN THE FOUR
389
00:26:04,362 --> 00:26:06,064
AGREEMENTS IS ALWAYS DO YOUR
BEST.
390
00:26:06,131 --> 00:26:09,401
WE ALL JUST DID OUR BEST.
WE DID OUR CIVIC DUTY AND WENT
391
00:26:09,467 --> 00:26:12,637
THROUGHOUT AND VOTED FOR THE
PERSON THAT WE THOUGHT YOU KNOW
392
00:26:12,704 --> 00:26:15,640
COULD PROTECT OUR RIGHTS.
DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THOSE RIGHTS
393
00:26:15,707 --> 00:26:17,309
ARE BEING PROTECTED ALL WAIT
RIGHT NOW.
394
00:26:17,375 --> 00:26:20,078
>> Stephen: WELL--
>> THAT'S WHY-- PEOPLE ALWAYS
395
00:26:20,145 --> 00:26:22,614
SAY, "JUST VOTE, JUST VOTE, JUST
VOTE."
396
00:26:22,681 --> 00:26:25,450
I ABSOLUTELY BELIEVE IN VOTING.
I'M GOING TO ALWAYS VOTE.
397
00:26:25,517 --> 00:26:28,219
LET'S KEEP IN MIND WE VOTED FOR
PEOPLE THAT WE THOUGHT WERE
398
00:26:28,286 --> 00:26:32,123
GOING TO PROTECT US FROM THE BAD
GUYS, AND IT LOOKS LIKE THE BAD
399
00:26:32,190 --> 00:26:35,827
GUYS ARE WINNING.
IF THE BAD GUYS ARE WINNING, THE
400
00:26:35,894 --> 00:26:38,096
MEDIA IS COMPLICITY.
THEY'RE GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION.
401
00:26:38,163 --> 00:26:40,231
DO YOU THINK THEY'RE DOING ALL
THEY CAN IS?
402
00:26:40,298 --> 00:26:43,435
>> Stephen: NO, I DON'T THINK
THEY'RE DOING ALL THEY CAN BUT A
403
00:26:43,501 --> 00:26:46,504
LOT OF THE STUFF IS HAPPENING ON
A FEDERAL COURT LEVEL, LIKE THE
404
00:26:46,571 --> 00:26:49,574
SUPREME COURT, AND THERE'S
NOTHING TO BE DONE ABOUT THAT
405
00:26:49,641 --> 00:26:51,276
UNTIL YOU ACTUALLY HAVE OPENINGS
ON THAT COURT.
406
00:26:51,343 --> 00:26:55,680
>> OR YOU VOTE TO GET RID OF THE
FILIBUSTER AND THEN YOU EXPAND
407
00:26:55,747 --> 00:26:57,983
THE SUPREME COURT.
THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS SAY
408
00:26:58,049 --> 00:27:01,619
DEMOCRATS HAVE TRIED EVERY
POLITICAL STRATEGY EXCEPT FOR
409
00:27:01,686 --> 00:27:04,222
COURAGE.
IT TAKES POLITICAL COURAGE TO DO
410
00:27:04,289 --> 00:27:05,824
THOSE THINGS.
( APPLAUSE )
411
00:27:05,890 --> 00:27:11,997
THURSDAY, OVER ON COMEDY
CENTRAL.
412
00:27:12,063 --> 00:27:14,399
>> . .
>> YOUR LATE-NIGHT SHOW IS BACK
413
00:27:14,466 --> 00:27:17,902
FOR A SECOND SEASON.
NEW NAME.
414
00:27:17,969 --> 00:27:19,170
"HELL OF A WEEK."
>> "HELL OF A WEEK."
415
00:27:19,237 --> 00:27:20,739
>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, WHY
THAT NAME "HELL OF A WEEK"?
416
00:27:20,805 --> 00:27:23,675
>> LOOK AT THE TIME WIERS IN.
I FEEL LIKE EVERYBODY IN THIS
417
00:27:23,742 --> 00:27:27,479
ROOM HAS SAID THAT-- YOU SAY
THAT AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK EVERY
418
00:27:27,545 --> 00:27:28,680
WEEK.
YOU KNOW.
419
00:27:28,747 --> 00:27:31,349
"IT'S BEEN A HELL OF A WEEK."
>> Stephen: EVERY DAY FEELS
420
00:27:31,416 --> 00:27:34,386
LIKE A HELL OF A WEEK THESE
DAYS.
421
00:27:34,452 --> 00:27:40,158
>> YEAH, YEAH, AND IT SOUNDS
MORE LIKE A WEEKLY TALK SHOW.
422
00:27:40,225 --> 00:27:43,261
THAT'S TECHNICALLY TERM.
>> Stephen: HOW DOES THAT
423
00:27:43,328 --> 00:27:45,830
DIFFER FROM "GOD'S HONEST
TRUTH."
424
00:27:45,897 --> 00:27:49,200
>> I THINK IT GOES TO MY
STRENGTH, MY COMMUNITY.
425
00:27:49,267 --> 00:27:51,536
SITTING AROUND AND HAVING
CONVERSATIONS WITH PEOPLE.
426
00:27:51,603 --> 00:27:56,141
LET'S BE CLEAR, MAN, TRYING TO
DO IT ALONE, THAT'S A LOT OF OF
427
00:27:56,207 --> 00:27:57,542
HEAVY LIFTING.
>> Stephen: THE IDEA OF BEING
428
00:27:57,609 --> 00:28:00,145
ON STAGE ALONE TELLING JOKES,
THAT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE.
429
00:28:00,211 --> 00:28:01,946
>> HEY, MAN.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
430
00:28:02,013 --> 00:28:05,050
QUICK BREAK.
WHEN WE COME BACK, I WILL ASK
431
00:28:05,116 --> 00:28:07,886
CHARLEMAGNE ABOUT HIS
INVOLVEMENT WITH A BEAUTIFUL NEW
432
00:28:07,952 --> 00:28:09,954
MUSEUM IN CHARLESTON, SOUTH
CAROLINA, STICK AROUND.
433
00:28:24,969 --> 00:28:27,906
( APPLAUSE )
HEY, EVERYTHING.
434
00:28:27,972 --> 00:28:29,908
LOOKIE HERE.
LOOK WHAT WE GOT RIGHT THERE.
435
00:28:29,974 --> 00:28:32,377
IT'S CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD.
HOST OF "HELL OF A WEEK" OVER ON
436
00:28:32,444 --> 00:28:34,612
COMEDY CENTRAL.
YOU AND I ARE BOTH FROM SOUTH
437
00:28:34,679 --> 00:28:37,916
CAROLINA.
AND I KNOW YOU GET BACK THERE
438
00:28:37,982 --> 00:28:45,924
BECAUSE I JUST SAW YOU-- SAW YOU
AT THE DENMARK V.C.
439
00:28:45,990 --> 00:28:47,459
BICENTENNIAL.
WHEN YOU'RE BACK THERE-- WHEN
440
00:28:47,525 --> 00:28:50,528
I'M BACK THERE THERE ARE THINGS
I HAVE TO HAVE TO EAT.
441
00:28:50,595 --> 00:28:52,931
JOHN'S ISLAND TOMATOES.
I HAVE TO HAVE BOILED PEANUTS.
442
00:28:52,997 --> 00:28:55,200
PEACHES FROM UPSTATE, FIGS FROM
MY GARDEN.
443
00:28:55,266 --> 00:28:58,703
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO EAT?
>> I LOVE BOILED PEANUTS, BUT
444
00:28:58,770 --> 00:29:00,572
REALLY FRIED FOOD.
THERE'S NO REASON TO EAT
445
00:29:00,638 --> 00:29:03,374
ANYTHING FRIED IF IT'S NOT FROM
SOUTH CAROLINA.
446
00:29:03,441 --> 00:29:06,611
THE FISH, THE SHRIMP.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
447
00:29:06,678 --> 00:29:09,881
MY FATHER HAD A SEAFOOD STORE
BACK IN THE DAY.
448
00:29:09,948 --> 00:29:13,585
AND, LIKE, MY FATHER KNOWS HOW
TO FRY REALLY GOOD FISH.
449
00:29:13,651 --> 00:29:16,654
MY AUNTS KNOW HOW TO FRY REALLY
GOOD FISH.
450
00:29:16,721 --> 00:29:19,090
MY FATHER-IN-LAW KNOWS HOW TO
FRY REALLY GOOD FRISH.
451
00:29:19,157 --> 00:29:21,059
>> Stephen: THEY'LL FRY
ANYTHING IN SOUTH CAROLINA.
452
00:29:21,126 --> 00:29:24,696
DIP IT IN CONCRETE AND DEEP-FAT
FRY IT.
453
00:29:24,762 --> 00:29:27,432
>> THAT'S WHERE CRACK CAME FROM.
THEY FRIED COCAINE.
454
00:29:27,499 --> 00:29:32,337
( LAUGHTER ).
IS, THE BEARPT FRIED?
455
00:29:32,403 --> 00:29:37,909
>> BATTER FRIED COCAINE.
>> Stephen: IS THAT ORIGINAL
456
00:29:37,976 --> 00:29:41,112
RECIPE OR EXTRA CRISPY?
>> EXTRA CRISPY.
457
00:29:41,179 --> 00:29:43,481
>> Stephen: YOU'RE ON THE
BOARD OF THE INTERNATIONAL
458
00:29:43,548 --> 00:29:44,616
AFRICAN AMERICAN MUSEUM.
>> YES.
459
00:29:44,682 --> 00:29:47,385
>> Stephen: WHICH IS OPENING
THIS FEBRUARY-- OR JANUARY.
460
00:29:47,452 --> 00:29:52,323
>> JANUARY, LUTE JR. WEEKEND.
>> Stephen: IN 2023.
461
00:29:52,390 --> 00:29:55,393
FOR THE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO
DON'T KNOW ABOUT IT, TELL THEM
462
00:29:55,460 --> 00:29:59,597
THE OBJECTIVE OF THIS MUSEUM IS
BECAUSE MY WIFE, EVIE, IS
463
00:29:59,664 --> 00:30:04,202
INVOLVED IN THIS MUSEUM AS WELL.
IT'S AN EXTRAORDINARY-- NOT ONLY
464
00:30:04,269 --> 00:30:06,070
ORGANIZATION BUT AN
EXTRAORDINARY LOCATION, TOO.
465
00:30:06,137 --> 00:30:11,376
>> YEAH, MAN.
IT'S DR. TANYA MATTHEWS, THE
466
00:30:11,442 --> 00:30:13,411
C.E.O. OF THE INTERNATIONAL
AFRICAN AMERICAN MUSEUM.
467
00:30:13,478 --> 00:30:16,514
AND SHE ALWAYS SAID THIS MUSEUM
IS NOT GOING TO BE A STORY OF
468
00:30:16,581 --> 00:30:18,783
THE ENSLAVED.
IT'S GOING TO BE A STORY OF
469
00:30:18,850 --> 00:30:20,084
SURVIVAL, YOU KNOW,.
AND THAT'S THE STORY THAT SHE
470
00:30:20,151 --> 00:30:25,557
WANTS TO TELL.
AND IT'S BUILT ON THE WHARF.
471
00:30:25,623 --> 00:30:28,426
THE NUMBER RANGES FROM 50% TO
60%.
472
00:30:28,493 --> 00:30:33,831
THEY SAY BETWEEN 50% AND 60% OF
ALL ENSLAVED AFRICANS CAME
473
00:30:33,898 --> 00:30:36,267
THROUGH THE WHARF.
>> Stephen: AND STOOD ON THAT
474
00:30:36,334 --> 00:30:38,336
SPOT IN CHAINS.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, STOOD ON THAT
475
00:30:38,403 --> 00:30:41,072
SPOT IN CHAINS.
FOR A LOT OF BLACK PEOPLE IN
476
00:30:41,139 --> 00:30:42,974
AMERICA THAT WAS OUR BEGINNINGS,
YOU KNOW.
477
00:30:43,041 --> 00:30:46,978
I CANNOT WAIT TO BRING PEOPLE
BACK TO CHARLESTON, SOUTH
478
00:30:47,045 --> 00:30:48,446
CAROLINA.
YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I DO, EVEN
479
00:30:48,513 --> 00:30:50,715
THOUGH WE'RE FROM THERE, WHEN
YOU GO BACK TO SOUTH CAROLINA,
480
00:30:50,782 --> 00:30:52,483
YOU FEEL REALLY CONNECTED TO
SOMETHING.
481
00:30:52,550 --> 00:30:56,321
AND ME BEING, YOU KNOW, BLACK
AND KNOWING THAT SO MANY OF MY
482
00:30:56,387 --> 00:31:01,859
ANCESTORS CAME THROUGH THERE, I
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY FEEL
483
00:31:01,926 --> 00:31:04,195
CONNECTED THERE UP AND FEEL IT
WHEN YOU'RE WALKING THROUGH THAT
484
00:31:04,262 --> 00:31:07,665
PLOT OF LAND.
I REALLY CAN'T WAIT UNTIL WE GET
485
00:31:07,732 --> 00:31:10,235
TO SHOW PEOPLE THE HOLY CITY OF
SOUTH CAROLINA.
486
00:31:10,301 --> 00:31:13,304
>> Stephen: FOR ME, THE WAY
THAT HAS TO DO WITH THE LOVE OF
487
00:31:13,371 --> 00:31:16,541
SOUTH CAROLINA, AND SOUTH
CAROLINA ITSELF, YOU CANNOT LOVE
488
00:31:16,608 --> 00:31:19,077
SOMETHING UNLESS YOU LOOK AT IT
IN ITS ENTIRETY.
489
00:31:19,143 --> 00:31:22,013
YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT THE HISTORY
OF NOT JUST SOUTH CAROLINA, BUT
490
00:31:22,080 --> 00:31:25,316
THAT IS IN A BIG WAY THE HISTORY
OF THE UNITED STATES, LEADING UP
491
00:31:25,383 --> 00:31:27,385
TO THE CIVIL WAR, AND THE TIME
AFTER THAT.
492
00:31:27,452 --> 00:31:30,788
BEING ABLE TO LOOK AT THE FAULTS
OF AMERICA AND UNDERSTAND HOW WE
493
00:31:30,855 --> 00:31:32,323
GOT WHERE WE ARE RIGHT NOW.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
494
00:31:32,390 --> 00:31:36,594
>> Stephen: 95% OF AFRICAN
AMERICAN, IF THEIR FAMILIES CAME
495
00:31:36,661 --> 00:31:39,964
TO THE UNITED STATES AS PART OF
THE AFRICAN SLAVE TRADE AND
496
00:31:40,031 --> 00:31:41,499
ANCESTORS STOOD ON THAT SPOT IN
CHAINS.
497
00:31:41,566 --> 00:31:44,335
>> LISTEN TO, YOUR POINT, YOU
CAN'T HEAL WHAT YOU DON'T
498
00:31:44,402 --> 00:31:46,504
REVEAL.
AND WE'RE NOT DOING OURSELVESES
499
00:31:46,571 --> 00:31:50,341
ANY FAVORS BY NOT SPEAKING TRUTH
TO POWER ABOUT ALL OF THE THINGS
500
00:31:50,408 --> 00:31:52,210
THAT HAVE HAPPENED IN THIS
COUNTRY.
501
00:31:52,277 --> 00:31:56,214
AND WE HAVE TO KNOW WHERE WE
CAME FROM SO WE DON'T MAKE THOSE
502
00:31:56,281 --> 00:31:59,217
SAME MISTAKES AND POTENTIALLY,
YOU KNOW, GO BACK.
503
00:31:59,284 --> 00:32:01,819
AND THAT'S I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE
WE'RE AT RIGHT NOW.
504
00:32:01,886 --> 00:32:04,989
I FEEL LIKE WE'RE AT A PLACE
RIGHT NOW, IF WE DON'T LEARN
505
00:32:05,056 --> 00:32:08,026
FROM OUR PAST, MAN, AMERICA'S
FUTURE IS NOT GOING-- NOT GOING
506
00:32:08,092 --> 00:32:10,928
TO BE TOO BRIGHT.
>> Stephen: CHARLEMAGNE, IT'S
507
00:32:10,995 --> 00:32:12,630
ALWAYS WONDERFUL TO YOU HAVE
HERE.
508
00:32:12,697 --> 00:32:14,332
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
GOOD LUCK ON THURSDAY.
509
00:32:14,399 --> 00:32:16,968
>> YES, SIR.
>> Stephen: I'LL BE THERE.
510
00:32:17,035 --> 00:32:20,738
>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: "HELL OF A WEEK"
511
00:32:20,805 --> 00:32:22,373
PREMIERES THIS THURSDAY ON
COMEDY CENTRAL.
512
00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:24,075
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE
513
00:32:24,142 --> 00:32:26,144
STAR OF "STRANGER THINGS," BRETT
GELMAN.
514
00:32:39,023 --> 00:32:43,961
WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW."
MY NEXT GUEST IS AN ACTOR AND
515
00:32:44,028 --> 00:32:45,363
COMEDIAN YOU KNOW FROM
"FLEABAG," "LOVE," AND "STRANGER
516
00:32:45,430 --> 00:32:47,432
THINGS."
517
00:33:05,783 --> 00:33:07,785
>> MY FINGERS ARE LIKE ARROWS.
MY ARMS LIKE IRON.
518
00:33:21,799 --> 00:33:26,938
>> WHAT DID YOU DO!
>> WHAT?
519
00:33:27,004 --> 00:33:31,943
>> I SAID DON'T KNOCK HIM OUT!
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK
520
00:33:32,009 --> 00:33:34,011
TO "THE LATE SHOW," BRETT
GELMAN, EVERYBODY!
521
00:34:10,114 --> 00:34:12,116
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY WOOOO!
522
00:34:24,462 --> 00:34:26,464
THANK YOU, I LOVE YOU.
( APPLAUSE )
523
00:34:38,943 --> 00:34:53,825
( CHEERING )
>> Stephen: WOW.
524
00:34:53,891 --> 00:34:54,959
( CHEERING )
>> Stephen: WOW.
525
00:34:55,026 --> 00:34:59,330
YOU ARE A MOVIE STAR.
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
526
00:34:59,397 --> 00:35:02,200
>> Stephen: WE SAW YOUR MOVES
IN THAT CLIP, AND THIS SEASON IS
527
00:35:02,266 --> 00:35:03,034
WONDERFUL.
>> THANK YOU.
528
00:35:03,100 --> 00:35:04,802
>> Stephen: THE SEASON IS
WONDERFUL.
529
00:35:04,869 --> 00:35:06,637
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: I THINK ONE
530
00:35:06,704 --> 00:35:08,339
BILLION PEOPLE WATCHED,
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
531
00:35:08,406 --> 00:35:11,275
SOMETHING LIKE A BILLION PEOPLE
WATCHED IT.
532
00:35:11,342 --> 00:35:14,245
IT'S THE MOST SUCCESSFUL THING
EVER ON NETFLIX.
533
00:35:14,312 --> 00:35:16,414
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: ESPECIALLY THE
534
00:35:16,481 --> 00:35:19,383
SECOND HALF, THE EXTRA TWO YOU
GAVE US AT THE END WHICH IS A
535
00:35:19,450 --> 00:35:21,586
CRAZY TEASE.
FOR THOSE MOVES YOU ARE DOING
536
00:35:21,652 --> 00:35:25,356
THERE, YOU REALLY STUDIED SOME
SORT OF MARTIAL ART TO DO THAT,
537
00:35:25,423 --> 00:35:26,491
YES?
>> YEAH.
538
00:35:26,557 --> 00:35:31,462
I STUDIED WITH THESE TAE KWON DO
MASTERS AND TRAINERS.
539
00:35:31,529 --> 00:35:36,400
THEY TRAIN A LOT OF PEOPLE.
SYRON REE FOR THREE MONTHS.
540
00:35:36,467 --> 00:35:44,408
>> Stephen: THE REE BROTHERS.
>> THEY'RE KIND OF LIKE THE MARX
541
00:35:44,475 --> 00:35:49,046
BROTHERS, INSTEAD OF BEING
MACHINES OF LAUGHTER, THEY'RE
542
00:35:49,113 --> 00:35:50,882
MACHINES OF VIOLENCE.
>> Stephen: I WANT TO ASK YOU
543
00:35:50,948 --> 00:35:52,250
ABOUT YOUR HIGH SCHOOL YEARS.
>> YEAH.
544
00:35:52,316 --> 00:35:55,353
>> Stephen: OUR FRIENDS HERE
IN "STRANGER THINGS," WE GOT TO
545
00:35:55,419 --> 00:36:00,424
WATCH THE LAST FOUR SEASONS.
IT'S A HIGH SCHOOL COMMA-DRAMA.
546
00:36:00,491 --> 00:36:02,693
>> YEAH, THERE ARE A LOT OF HIGH
SCHOOLERS IN IT.
547
00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:07,365
>> Stephen: AND I WANT TO SHOW
I PICTURE OF YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL
548
00:36:07,431 --> 00:36:10,601
RIGHT NOW, DOCUMENTED PROVE THAT
YOU WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL, AND ASK
549
00:36:10,668 --> 00:36:13,371
YOU ABOUT YOUR HIGH SCHOOL
YEARS.
550
00:36:13,437 --> 00:36:18,643
AND, LADIES, DON'T RUSH THE
STAGE.
551
00:36:18,709 --> 00:36:22,547
WHAT WERE-- WHAT WAS YOUR HIGH
SCHOOL EXPERIENCE LIKE BRETT
552
00:36:22,613 --> 00:36:29,253
GELMAN.
( APPLAUSE )
553
00:36:29,320 --> 00:36:33,224
MY HIGH SCHOOL-- MY HIGH SCHOOL
LIFE WAS TERRIBLE.
554
00:36:33,291 --> 00:36:37,562
I WAS A VERY WEIRD CHILD, AND
I-- YEAH.
555
00:36:37,628 --> 00:36:38,930
YES.
NOT COOL.
556
00:36:38,996 --> 00:36:42,867
BUT NOT LIKE ONE OF THESE PEOPLE
WHO WAS PROUD TO BE COOL-- PROUD
557
00:36:42,934 --> 00:36:46,704
TO NOT BE COOL.
I REALLY WANTED TO BE COOL.
558
00:36:46,771 --> 00:36:49,674
LIKE, YOU KNOW, I WOULD DO
ANYTHING TO IMPRESS-- TRY TO
559
00:36:49,740 --> 00:36:51,742
IMPRESS THE COOL PEOPLE AND HAVE
THEM ACCEPT ME.
560
00:36:51,809 --> 00:36:54,045
>> Stephen: SUCH AS?
SUCH AS?
561
00:36:54,111 --> 00:36:57,782
ANYTHING YOU WANT TO REGRET?
>> JUST BE AROUND THEM A LOT AND
562
00:36:57,848 --> 00:37:01,352
BE LIKE, "HANG OUT WITH ME!
HANG OUT WITH ME."
563
00:37:01,419 --> 00:37:03,988
AND THEY WOULD KICK ME IN THE
FACE.
564
00:37:04,055 --> 00:37:11,162
AND I WOULD DO A PLAY, AND IT
WAS LIKE READING "DRINKING IN
565
00:37:11,228 --> 00:37:12,096
AMERICA" AND SAM SHEPARD.
AND I WAS BROODING, TOO, AND
566
00:37:12,163 --> 00:37:13,297
THAT'S WHEN I FELT MY MOST
AUTHENTIC SELF.
567
00:37:13,364 --> 00:37:16,434
I WOULD DITCH ALL OF THAT AS
SOON AS I GOT AROUND A POPULAR
568
00:37:16,500 --> 00:37:18,603
PERSON.
I HAD NO INTEGRITY AT ALL.
569
00:37:18,669 --> 00:37:19,904
>> Stephen: NOW YOU ARE.
FANS LOVE YOU.
570
00:37:19,971 --> 00:37:21,606
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: THEY LOVE MURRAY.
571
00:37:21,672 --> 00:37:24,642
>> YEAH.
( APPLAUSE )
572
00:37:24,709 --> 00:37:33,317
HOW HAS THAT CHANGE FORWARD YOU?
BECAUSE MURRAY HAS CHANGED.
573
00:37:33,384 --> 00:37:37,788
YOU PLAYED MARTIN ON "FLEABAG,"
AND THAT WAS A PRETTY DESPICABLE
574
00:37:37,855 --> 00:37:39,357
CHARACTER BUT A WONDERFUL
CHARACTER.
575
00:37:39,423 --> 00:37:41,492
AND MURRAY HAS HAD HIS UPS AND
DOWNS.
576
00:37:41,559 --> 00:37:43,961
NOW HE IS A HEROIC CHARACTER FOR
SURE IN THE SERIES.
577
00:37:44,028 --> 00:37:45,496
WHAT IS IT LIKE WHEN FANS COME
UP TO YOU?
578
00:37:45,563 --> 00:37:49,967
>> IT'S A LOT BETTER.
IT'S GOOD WHEN PEOPLE SEE YOU AS
579
00:37:50,034 --> 00:37:55,640
A HERO AND A BAD-ASS, AND
DON'T-- I MEAN, WHEN "FLEABAG"
580
00:37:55,706 --> 00:37:59,076
CAME OUT, I WOULD LITERALLY BE
IN THE GROCERY STORE AND PEOPLE
581
00:37:59,143 --> 00:38:04,682
WOULD BE LIKE, "I HATE YOU!"
AND NOW PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "HEY!"
582
00:38:04,749 --> 00:38:08,119
AND IT'S REALLY NICE.
THEY ASK ME TO DO THINGS FOR
583
00:38:08,185 --> 00:38:11,222
THEM AND TASKS, YOU KNOW.
IT'S THINGS THAT YOU WOULD ASK A
584
00:38:11,288 --> 00:38:12,657
HERO TO DO.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
585
00:38:12,723 --> 00:38:16,894
LIKING WHAT?
THAT SOUNDS EXHAUSTING.
586
00:38:16,961 --> 00:38:21,532
>> I GIVE MARRIAGE ADVICE.
I GIVE CHILDREN ADVICE, HOW TO
587
00:38:21,599 --> 00:38:25,636
FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES.
I TAKE CATS OUT OF TREES.
588
00:38:25,703 --> 00:38:30,441
I-- I-- I END-- I NOT ONLY STOP,
I END DOMESTIC DISTURBANCES.
589
00:38:30,508 --> 00:38:31,442
YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: WOW.
590
00:38:31,509 --> 00:38:34,378
>> SO I'M REALLY-- IT'S BEEN
GREAT.
591
00:38:34,445 --> 00:38:36,580
>> Stephen: IS THERE A HOT
LINE WE CAN CALL.
592
00:38:36,647 --> 00:38:42,920
>> YEAH, 1-800-- IS MURRAY SEVEN
LETTERS?
593
00:38:42,987 --> 00:38:52,763
NO, IT'S SIX.
1-800-- 1-800 MUR-MURRAY-1.
594
00:38:52,830 --> 00:38:56,734
IS THAT THE MOST HALF-ASSED BIT
IN THE SHOW.
595
00:38:56,801 --> 00:39:02,373
>> Stephen: WE'LL CUT IT OUT.
THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT.
596
00:39:02,440 --> 00:39:04,241
THAT'S IT.
SAY ANYTHING YOU WANT.
597
00:39:04,308 --> 00:39:08,879
SAY SOMETHING YOU DEFINITELY
WANT CUT OUT AND I'LL CUT IT OUT
598
00:39:08,946 --> 00:39:11,315
OF SHOW.
.>> RIGHT NOW.
599
00:39:11,382 --> 00:39:14,385
>> Stephen: SOMETHING YOU
DEPARTMENT WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE
600
00:39:14,452 --> 00:39:16,420
ON BROADCAST AND I'LL CUT IT OUT
OF THE SHOW.
601
00:39:16,487 --> 00:39:21,358
>> I SOMETIMES IN THE EVENING IN
MY 20s WOULD DOWN A FULL BAG
602
00:39:21,425 --> 00:39:33,037
OF IT, OSTITOS, A QUESOS.
AND RAMEN.
603
00:39:33,104 --> 00:39:38,876
>> Stephen: UNCOOKED RAMEN?
>> THAT WOULD BE COOL IF IT WAS
604
00:39:38,943 --> 00:39:39,710
UNCOOK.
>> Stephen: I DON'T THINK I'M
605
00:39:39,777 --> 00:39:41,278
GOING TO KUPT THIS OUT?
>> NO.
606
00:39:41,345 --> 00:39:43,247
>> Stephen: THAT MAKES YOU
RELATABLE.
607
00:39:43,314 --> 00:39:46,951
>> THAT'S RIGHT, YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHO HASN'T DOWNED
608
00:39:47,017 --> 00:39:53,324
AN ENTIRE JAR OF QUESOS.
>> WE HAVE TO BALANCE OUT THE
609
00:39:53,390 --> 00:39:56,660
LOOK WITH RELATE GLABL YOU CAN'T
GO WITH PURE SEX.
610
00:39:56,727 --> 00:40:01,165
>> THIS IS ASPIRATIONAL, SO THIS
IS WHAT YOU CAN BECOME AND THAT
611
00:40:01,232 --> 00:40:08,472
IS THE BEFORE THE TOSTITOS, AND
THE QUESO.
612
00:40:08,539 --> 00:40:09,340
YEAH.
( APPLAUSE ).
613
00:40:09,406 --> 00:40:13,944
SEE YOU.
SEASON FOUR OF "STRANGER THINGS"
614
00:40:14,011 --> 00:40:16,013
IS AVAILABLE NOW ON NETFLIX.
615
00:40:23,020 --> 00:40:24,188
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE
LATE SHOW."
616
00:40:24,255 --> 00:40:26,524
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS
WILL BE AMANDA SEYFRIED AND
617
00:40:26,590 --> 00:40:28,592
STEPHAN MERCHANT.
GOOD NIGHT.