OVERNIGHT. PRESIDENT TRUMP'S ACTIONS
LEADING UP TO THE JANUARY 6 RIOT ARE NOW UNDER CRIMINAL
INVESTIGATION BY THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE.
>> IMAGINE IF YOU AND I WERE TO DISCUSS TODAY THAT BARACK OBAMA
WAS UNDER CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION.
WE'D GO, LIKE, WHAT? THAT'S JUST-- IT'S
INCONCEIVABLE. >> FORMER PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
HAS RELEASED HIS YEARLY SUMMER READING AND MUSIC PLAYLIST.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> IT'S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR
AGAIN FOR PRESIDENT OBAMA'S 2022 SUMMER PLAYLIST.
THIS TRACK LIST IS PERFECT FOR A DAY AT THE BEACH, AND CERTAINLY
WASN'T CAREFULLY CRAFTED SO THAT THE SONGS, WHEN READ TOP TO
BOTTOM, WOULD TAUNT ANOTHER FORMER PRESIDENT.
ENJOY HITS LIKE:
SURE, THIS PLAYLIST SEEMS TO CONTAIN GROUPS OF WORDS THAT
CONVEY COMPLETE THOUGHTS BUT, TECHNICALLY, IT'S JUST RANDOMLY
ORDERED SONGS SUCH AS:
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES:
AMANDA SEYFRIED AND STEPHEN MERCHANT
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
WITH SPECIAL GUEST ST. VINCENT.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) >> Audience: STEPHEN!
STEPHEN! STEPHEN!
>> Stephen: PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY.
DOWN HERE, UP THERE, EVERYBODY OUT THERE, AND OF COURSE ALL MY
VIEWERS IN JAPAN, WELCOME TO "LATE SHOW"."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. AND I AM FEELING LUCKY BECAUSE
NOBODY WON LAST NIGHT, SO THE MEGA MILLIONS LOTTO JACKPOT IS
OVER $1 BILLION. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S "BILLION" WITH A CAPITAL "N" ON THE END.
A BILLION DOLLARS. THINK OF WHAT YOU COULD BUY WITH
ALL THAT MONEY: A MANSION, A YACHT, A TANK OF GAS-- NOT
PREMIUM, BUT A TANK OF GAS. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVEN'T
CHECKED YET, YOU LOST. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) 7, 29, 60, 63, 66, WITH A MEGA
BALL OF 15. BY THE WAY, IF I WIN, I'M
DONATING HALF OF MY MONEY TO FIND A CURE FOR MEGA BALL.
COURAGE. I HAVE A VERY GOOD CHANCE,
BECAUSE I'M VERY GOOD AT PICKING NUMBERS.
OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD: 17, 36, 54-- I COULD DO THIS ALL DAY--
12, 8. ( LAUGHTER )
THOSE NUMBERS, AND IF A VIEWER WINS USING ANY OF THOSE NUMBERS,
IN ANY COMBINATION, I THINK IT'S ONLY FAIR THAT WE
SPLIT THE PRIZE. EXPERTS SAY-- EXPERTS SAY--
( APPLAUSE ) EXPERTS SAY THAT THE CHANCES OF
ANY OF US WINNING ACTUALLY ANY OF THE MEGA MILLIONS ARE
ASTRONOMICALLY SMALL. THEY'RE ABOUT THE SAME AS, I
DON'T KNOW, GETTING HIT BY DEBRIS FROM THE MASSIVE CHINESE
BOOSTER ROCKET THAT COULD FALL TO EARTH EARLY NEXT WEEK.
THAT'S RIGHT, ALL NEXT WEEK THE FORECAST IS PARTLY CLOUDY WITH A
CHANCE OF FIERY DEATH. ( LAUGHTER )
COMES FROM THE 23-TON "LONG MARCH 5B" ROCKET, WHICH
DELIVERED A MODULE TO THE CHINESE SPACE STATION AND IS NOW
IN AN UNCONTROLLED DESCENT. ALSO THE TITLE OF RUDY
GIULIANI'S MEMOIR. ( LAUGHTER )
THE-- ( CHEERING )
THIS PLUNGING DEATH DEBRIS PUTS EARTHLINGS AT RISK OF BEING HIT
BY FALLING SPACE JUNK. SPACE JUNK, O COURSE, ALSO THE
NAME OF THE PORN VERSION OF "STAR WARS."
HAN SHOOTS FIRST. ( LAUGHTER )
ALSO THE SEQUEL TO "MEGABALL." SPEAKING OF THE FINAL FRONTIER,
YESTERDAY, RUSSIA SAID IT IS PLANNING TO PULL OUT OF THE
INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION. COME ON, RUSSIA.
NOT ONLY IS THAT NOT COOL, BUT PULLING OUT OF THE SPACE
STATION IS NOTORIOUSLY UNRELIABLE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
DIRTY MONOLOGUE TONIGHT. SO SORRY.
RUSSIA ALSO ANNOUNCED THAT IT WILL BEGIN TO BUILD ITS OWN
SPACE STATION AFTER 2024. THEY RELEASED THE DESIGN AND, NO
SURPRISE, THE NEW RUSSIAN SPACE STATION IS POTATO.
( LAUGHTER ) ANYWAY, BYE RUSSKIES!
DON'T LET THE AIRLOCK HIT YA WHERE THE GOOD LORD SPLIT YA!
BACK EARTH SIDE, THERE'S BAD NEWS FOR FORMER PRESIDENT
KERMIT THE FRAUD. TURNS OUT THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT
IS INVESTIGATING THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S ACTIONS IN THEIR
JANUARY 6 CRIMINAL PROBE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OH, SHUCKY DUCKY! IT IS ABOUT DAMN TIME.
AT THIS POINT, THE INVESTIGATORS ARE LIKE THE LAST PERSON AT THE
OFFICE TO CATCH ON TO A POPULAR TV SHOW:
"SO GET THIS, GUYS. THERE ARE DRAGONS, BUT THEY
HARDLY EVER SHOW THEM. THERE'S LOTS OF NUDITY.
I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THE 'RED WEDDING' EPISODE.
I'M SO HAPPY FOR ROB STARK. HE DESERVES ALL THE LOVE.
EVERYONE IN THE FAMILY'S GOING TO BE THERE!"
ACCORDING TO PEOPLE FAMILIAR WITH THE INVESTIGATION, THEY'RE
PURSUING TWO POTENTIAL CRIMES. THE FIRST CENTERS ON SEDITIOUS
CONSPIRACY AND CONSPIRACY TO OBSTRUCT A GOVERNMENT
PROCEEDING. THE SECOND IS POTENTIAL FRAUD
ASSOCIATED WITH THE FALSE-ELECTORS SCHEME.
"POTENTIAL" FRAUD? ( LAUGHTER )
SCHEME." YOU DON'T CALL SOMETHING A
"SCHEME" AND "FALSE" IF IT'S ON THE LEVEL.
NO ONE'S EVER SAID, "BARBARA, ACCEPT THIS RING, AND I PROMISE
TO LOVE YOU FOREVER, AS PART OF MY 'FALSE MARRIAGE SCHEME.'"
( LAUGHTER ) I AM-- AS PART OF--
I AM POTENTIALLY VERY EXCITED, BECAUSE ALL OF THIS IS
POTENTIALLY HUGE BECAUSE NO FORMER PRESIDENT HAS EVER BEEN
CHARGED WITH A CRIME IN THE COUNTRY'S HISTORY.
SO WHAT? BEFORE JOHN WAYNE GACY, NO ONE
EVER EXECUTED A BIRTHDAY CLOWN ( LAUGHTER )
BUT IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT EXECUTION, BUT CONFIDENTIAL ARREST.
IN THE END, THE DECISION TO CHARGE THE FORMER PRESIDENT WILL
FALL TO ATTORNEY GENERAL MERRICK GARLAND, SEEN HERE LISTENING TO
NEIL GORSUCH TALK ABOUT HOW FUN IT IS TO BE ON THE SUPREME
COURT. ( LAUGHTER )
LAST NIGHT WITH NBC'S LESTER HOLT AND MADE IT CLEAR HE IS
READY TO HOLD THE FORMER PRESIDENT ACCOUNTABLE IF THAT'S
WHERE THE INVESTIGATION LEADS. >> LOOK, WE PURSUE JUSTICE
WITHOUT FEAR OR FAVOR. WE INTEND TO HOLD EVERYONE,
ANYONE WHO IS CRIMINALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE EVENTS
SURROUNDING JANUARY 6, FOR ANY ATTEMPT TO INTERFERE WITH THE
LAWFUL TRANSFER OF POWER FROM ONE ADMINISTRATION TO ANOTHER
ACCOUNTABLE. THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT SOUNDS RIGHT.
QUICK FOLLOW-UP: DID SOMEONE SHRINK MERRICK GARLAND?
BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE HE SHOULD BE ADMINISTRATING JUSTICE FROM
INSIDE A HOLLOW TREE. ( LAUGHTER )
THERE'S-- OR LESTER HOLT. OR IT'S LESTER HULK, I'M NOT
SURE. OH, THERE'S GOOD NEWS OUT OF THE
CURRENT WHITE HOUSE, BECAUSE AFTER COMING DOWN WITH COVID
LAST WEEK, THIS MORNING, PRESIDENT BIDEN TESTED NEGATIVE
AND PROVED IT WITH THIS PHOTO OF A NEGATIVE TEST AND THE CAPTION,
"BACK TO THE OVAL. THANKS TO THE DOC FOR THE
GOOD CARE, AND TO ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT."
YEAH, THANKS TO DOC, BIDEN IS NO LONGER GRUMPY AND SNEEZY.
THOUGH HE REMAINS HAPPY AND SLEEPY.
( LAUGHTER ) THE ROSE GARDEN, WHERE HE GAVE A
SPEECH: >> AS I WAS WALKING OUT, I
THOUGHT I HEARD A RUMBLING IN MY STAFF SAYING, "OH, HE'S BACK."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU ARE THE OLDEST
PRESIDENT EVER WHO CAUGHT THE PANDEMIC.
THANK YOU FOR STICKING AROUND! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
REED, DID HE? DIDN'T HAVE TO GO TO WALTER
REED. THE PRESIDENT TOUTED ONE OF THE
PHARMACEUTICAL BREAKTHROUGHS THAT HELPED HIM RECOVER AND DID
SO IN A CLASSIC BIDEN WAY: >> MILLIONS OF AMERICANS HAVE
USED PAXLIVOID-- PAXLOVID, EXCUSE ME, PAXLOVID.
I TELL YOU WHAT, I THINK IT'S-- I USED IT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: "HA-HA-HA.
I TELL YOU, I GOT YOU. I TOOK ME SOME PAX-LO-VOID, OR
PLAXYVID, OR PLATYPUS-POLISH. I TOOK IT.
POINT IS, THAT LIL' PILL KNOCKED THE CLOVIS RIGHT OUTTA
MY OL' BREADBASKET. NOW I'M EASY-BREASY BREATHIN'
HA-HA-HA. WHERE AM I?"
MARCO! MARCO!
( APPLAUSE ) PRESCRIPTION.
( LAUGHTER ) BIDEN'S CLEAN BILL OF HEALT
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) COULDN'T COME AT A BETTER TIME,
BECAUSE AIDES SAY THE PRESIDENT SPENT THE WEEKEND GOING
STIR-CRAZY FROM THE ISOLATION AND FIGHTING CABIN FEVER.
AIDES WORKED TO KEEP THE PRESIDENT ENTERTAINED ON
LOCATION,s SETTING HIM UP WITH
A WHOLE CART OF VIDEO EQUIPMENT, PHONE CALLS FROM THE GRANDKIDS,
AND A STACK OF BOOKS ABOUT IRELAND.
WHEN THAT DIDN'T WORK, THEY TRIED EVERYTHING JOE LIKES:
A PILE OF OLD TRAIN SCHEDULES, THE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF TAFFY, A
"READERS' DIGEST" FROM 1952, A POST-IT NOTE THAT JUST
SAID "DELAWARE." ( LAUGHTER )
NOW THAT THE PRESIDENT'S OVER COVID, HE CAN HAPPILY SKIP TO
WORK WITH A SPRING IN HIS STEP, AND GET ABSOLUTELY NUT-PUNCHED
BY HIS APPROVAL RATINGS. BECAUSE THE LATEST CNN POLL
FOUND 5% OF DEMOCRATIC VOTERS WANT SOMEONE OTHER THAN BIDEN TO
RUN IN 2024. 75%!
THAT'S THREE OUT OF FOUR DEMOCRATS!
AND I'M BEING TOLD THAT WE HAVE A PICTURE OF THOSE THREE
DEMOCRATS. WOW.
THAT'S NOT KAMALA HARRIS. BIDEN'S NUMBERS ARE FALLIN' OFF
A CLIFF. AT THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR,
ONLY 51% OF DEMOCRATS SAID THEY WANTED SOMEONE OTHER THAN BIDEN.
AH, THE GOOD OLD DAYS, WHEN ONLY HALF OF HIS BUDDIES WANTED TO
TAKE AWAY GRANDPA'S LAUNCH CODES.
( LAUGHTER ) PRESIDENT, BUT NOTHING CAN BE
WORSE THAN WHAT'S HAPPENING IN BIDEN'S HOMETOWN OF SCRANTON,
WHERE THOSE SAYING THEY VIEW BIDEN "VERY UNFAVORABLY"
INCREASED FROM 28% TO 46%. C'MON, SCRANTON!
WHAT DO GUYS YOU WANT FROM HIM? HE MENTIONED YOU IN EVERY DAMN
STORY HE TELLS! IS THIS HOW SCRANTON TREATS ALL
THEIR HOMETOWN CELEBRITIES? WATCH YOUR BACK...
SILENT FILM STAR WANDA HAWLEY. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE AMANDA SEYFRIED
AND STEPHEN MERCHANT. STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY. GIVE IT UP FOR ST. VINCENT AND
LOUIS CATO WITH EVERYBODY IN STAY HUMAN RIGHT OVER THERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). LOUIS.
>> Louis: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. >> Stephen: YUP.
THAT SOUNDED AMAZING. LOUIS, TONIGHT, TONIGHT IN JUST
A MOMENT WE WILL HAVE AMANDA SEYFRIED OUT HERE IN JUST ONE
MOMENT, A WONDERFUL ACTRESS. AND THE FANTASTIC COMEDIAN
STEPHAN MERCHANT WILL BE OUT HERE.
BENEFIT WE GET TO THAT ST. VINCENT, LET ME CHECK IN WITH
YOU FOR JUST A SECOND HERE. I KNOW THIS, BUT PEOPLE MIGHT
NOT KNOW, YOU ARE A PROUD DAUGHTER OF DALLAS, IS THIS NOT
TRUE? >> I AM, IN FACT, FROM DALLAS,
TEXAS, YES. >> Stephen: DO YOU GET BACK
THERE OFTEN? >> ALL THE TIME.
MY FAMILY'S THERE. >> Stephen: WOW, OKAY.
SELL ME ON DALLAS. BECAUSE I'VE NEVER BEEN TO
DALLAS. IS IT THE BRISKET?
IS IT THE COWBOYS? WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FORWARD TO
THE MOST? >> WELL, I FIND WHENEVER I TELL
PEOPLE I'M FROM DALLAS, THEY SAY, "OH, I LOVE AUSTIN.
THE. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: HOW DOES-- HOW DOES DALLAS FEEL ABOUT, LIKE,
THE OTHER, LIKE, WELL-KNOWN CITIES?
ARE YOU GUYS JEALOUS OF THE ATTENTION THAT AUSTIN GETS?
>> AH, YOU KNOW, I THINK IT'S SORT OF LIKE SIBLING RIVALRY.
LIKE, AUSTIN IS THE COOL, YOUNGEST SIBLING WHO IS, LIKE,
FREE-WHEELING AND FUN. AND DALLAS IS SORT OF BUTTONED
UP AND A LITTLE -- >> Stephen: AND HOUSTON IS THE
TROUBLED MIDDLE DISMIELD # ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: YOU FOLLOW THE COWBOYS?
>> I DID IN 1994. SO, YEAH.
>> Stephen: QUALITY YEAR, QUALITY YEAR.
HAVE YOU EVER SUNG THE NATIONAL ANTHEM AT A COWBOY'S GAME?
>> NO, BUT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO. >> Stephen: AND THEY HAVE YET
TO TAKE YOU UP ON YOUR OFFER? >> THEY HAVE NEVER TAKEN ME UP
ON MY OFFER. >> Stephen: COWBOYS, RIGHT
OVER HERE. COWBOYS, COWBOYS, YOU'RE PASSING
UP AN ENORMOUS OPPORTUNITY HERE. YOU CAN SAVE MONEY BECAUSE SHE
CAN ACCOMPANY HERSELF ON THE GUITAR.
( APPLAUSE ) THIS, SHE'S GOING TO GO OFF AND
SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM FOR WHATEVER AUSTIN'S FOOTBALL TEAM
IS. ( LAUGHTER )
PERFORMANCE BY LOUIS CATO AND STAY HUMAN LATER IN THE SHOW, SO
STICK AROUND FOR THAT. ( APPLAUSE )
PROBABLY RUNNING OUT OF TIME HERE, AREN'T WE?
WE'RE PROBABLY RUNNING OUT OF TIME FOR THE DAMN SECOND ACT,
ESPECIALLY ALL THE TIME I'M TAKING ASKING YOU IF WE'RE OUT
OF TIME, MY BROTHER IN LATE NIGHT SETH MYERS HAS COME DOWN
WITH COVID AGAIN. SO THE SANDWICHES AND THE SOUP
ARE ON THE WAY, SETH. AND STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME.
( LAUGHTER ) TO SAY ABOUT THAT.
BUT WITH LOVE. STAY AWAY FROM ME, WITH LOVE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH AMANDA SEYFRIED, EVERYBODY.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT FROM
"MAMMA MIA," "MANK," AND "MEAN GIRLS."
NOW SHE'S EMMY NOMINATED FOR HER STARRING ROLE IN "THE DROPOUT."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," AMANDA SEYFRIED.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: NICE. >> WHAT DO YOU PAY THEM?
>> Stephen: WHAT? >> NOTHING.
>> Stephen: HEY, NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> HOW'S IT GOING? THANKS.
>> Stephen: HOW HAVE YOU BEEN? >> I'M FEELING GREAT RIGHT NOW.
I'VE BEEN HERE. >> Stephen: "HERE?"
>> IN THE CITY. >> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.
YOU SPLIT YOUR TIME BETWEEN THE GLAMOUR OF THE BIG APPLE,
HOLLYWOOD, AND EVERYTHING AND A FARM UPSTATE, RIGHT?
>> YEAH. IT'S-- IT'S THE DREAM.
IT'S HOW I STAY HEALTHY EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY HEALTHY.
>> Stephen: UH-HUH, UH-HUH. >> SO FAR.
>> Stephen: THIS IS A PHOTO-- THIS IS A FEETO OF YOU ON THE
FARM. >> YUP.
>> Stephen: THAT'S YOU. >> AND I MADE ALL THE ANIMALS
POSE. >> Stephen: CAN YOU GET IN A
LITTLE CLOSER. GET IN A LITTLE CLOSER.
>> DO YOU SEE? I MADE THEM ALL POSE.
>> Stephen: LIKE THAT. ( APPLAUSE )
LIKE A. PRESS PHOTO FOR AN A24 HORROR
MOVIE ABOUT A WITCH WHO HAS CHICKENS.
>> I THINK THAT WAS-- I THINK THAT WAS WHAT SHE WAS GOING FOR.
>> Stephen: I WOULD WATCH THAT.
I WOULD WATCH THAT MOVIE. >> IT WAS THE BEST PRESENT.
PHOTO SHOP. OF COURSE YOU CAN'T GET THE
CHICKENS TO STAY IN ONE PLACE. BUT EVERYBODY ELSE WAS GAME.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S HARDEST THING ABOUT FARM LIFE?
WHAT'S THE HARDEST ANIMAL? YOU HAVE ALL KINDS OF ANIMALS.
>> THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION. THEY'RE EASY --
>> Stephen: ANIMALS ARE EASY? >> SOMEWHAT.
BUT I HAVE A REALLY HIGH-MAINTENANCE HORSE WHO HAS A
LOT OF ALLERGIES AND HE HAS TO SEE A VISITING DERMATOLOGIST.
>> Stephen: WOW. >> AT A PLACE, A FACILITY A HALF
HOUR AWAY. WE TO BRING HIM FOR AN ALLERGY
PANEL AND I JUST NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING
LIKE THAT IN PUBLIC OR PRIVATE. >> Stephen: IS THERE ANY
CHANCE HE HAS MODERATE TO SEVERE PLAQUE PSORIASIS?
>> WE'RE NOT SURE. WE DIDN'T GET THE BLOOD WORK
BACK YET. >> Stephen: YOU ALMOST SLIPPED
A LITTLE... >> YEAH, WE'RE NOT SURE...
( LAUGHTER ). ONE OUT BECAUSE WE LIKE TO DO
PUBLIC SERVICE HERE. LAST IMAGE OF THE FARM.
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? THAT LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE--
>> WOULD ANYBODY LIKE TO TAKE A GUESS?
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THIS? ANYONE KNOW WHAT THIS IS?
ANYONE? GUESS WHAT THIS IS?
>> NO, IT'S A TORTOISE THEME PARK.
>> Stephen: OKAY. >> AND IT'S A SAD STORY.
>> Stephen: OH, GOOD. >> ACTUALLY, IT IS
HEARTBREAKING. >> Stephen: OH, NO.
>> THE RESIDENT NO LONGER LIVES IN THE THEME PARK THAT WAS BUILT
FOR HIM. >> Stephen: HE DIED?
>> IT MIGHT BE A SHE, ACTUALLY. WE GOT IT RESEXED RECENTLY.
THAT'S WHEN THE VET-- IT'S A TORTOISE, A RUSSIAN TORTOISE,
AND HE WALKED-- SHE WALKED OFF. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
>> Stephen: SO YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THE TORTOISE IS.
TORTOISE RAN AWAY? >> UH...
>> Stephen: HOW FAR COULD IT HAVE GOTTEN?
>> THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION. THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
>> Stephen: SO THIS IS A P.S.A. RIGHT NOW.
IF YOU HAVE SEEN-- IF YOU HAVE SEEN A TORTOISE IN THE STATE OF
NEW YORK, CONTACT AMANDA SEYFRIED, CARE OF THE ED
SULLIVAN THEATER. >> YEAH, THANKS, GUYS.
FRANKLIN -- >> Stephen: DOES FRANKLIN
RESPOND TO THE NAME? >> I ACTUALLY AM NOT KIDDING.
HE DOES. AND SO WHEN I'M-- I'M ALWAYS,
LIKE, WALKING AROUND NOW LIKE THIS SAYING, "FRANKIE!
COME HERE, FRANK! AND THEN MY ALMOST TWO-YEAR-OLD.
HE'S LIKE-- IT'S HEARTBREAKING, BUT IT IS FUNNY BECAUSE I
IMAGINE HE'S HAVING A GOOD TIME BECAUSE IT'S, LIKE, THERE'S A
LOT OF VEGETATION, AND GROWING OPPORTUNITIES.
( LAUGHTER ) ABOUT IT.
>> Stephen: DO TORTOISES BURRO?
>> YEAH, THERE ARE LOTS OF PLACES TO BURROW IN THIS THING?
>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE POINTING ON MY DESK.
OH, THEY WOULD LOVE IT BACK THERE.
>> YEAR, HE HAS BURROW OPPORTUNITIES EVERYWHERE.
HE'S FINE. ( LAUGHTER )
DAUBING ABOUT YOU FOR A SECOND? >> I THOUGHT THAT WAS TALKING
ABOUT ME? ( LAUGHTER ).
ABOUT YOUR ANIMALS FOR A WHILE. >> THAT'S ME.
>> Stephen: ONLY ONE MAMMAL AT A TIME.
WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS AN EMMY NOMINEE.
CONGRATULATIONS. >> THANKS.
THANKS SO MUCH. ( APPLAUSE )
PERFORMANCE AS ELIZABETH HOLMES. YOU HAVE NEVER MET HER.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW, SHE WAS THE FOUNDER AND LEADER
OF THERANOS, WHICH PURPORTED TO BE ABLE TO DISCOVER A HOST OF
DISEASES WITH A SINGLE DROP OF BLOOD, AND IT WAS ALL BULL.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: YOU'VE NEVER MET
HER. >> NO.
>> Stephen: BUT IF YOU COULD MEET HER, WHAT WOULD YOU WANT TO
ASK HER? >> WELL, I MEAN, A LOT OF
THINGS. I THINK I'D WANT TO KNOW IF SHE
WAS CONSCIOUS OF WHEN THINGS TURNED FOR HER, WHEN SHE MADE--
IF THERE'S ONE SPECIFIC CHOICE SHE MADE THAT KIND OF TILTED HER
OFF THE EDGE INTO THE ABYSS THAT IS WHERE THERANOS LIVES NOW.
I WOULD WANT TO ASK HER THAT. AND I WOULD ALSO WANT TO KNOW
ABOUT THE BABY BIRD SHE TALKS ABOUT IN HER TEXT MESSAGES WITH
SUNNY. I WANT TO KNOW IF SHE HAD A BABY
BIRD OR IF IT WAS METAPHORICAL. >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
LITTLE BIT OF OF A BREAK, BUT YOU STAY AND YOU STAY AND WE'LL
BE BACK WITH MORE EVERYBODY.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WE'RE BACK HERE WITH OCCASIONAL
FARMER AMANDA SEYFRIED. WE HAVE A CLIP HERE.
CAN YOU TELL US WHAT YOU'RE DOING, WHAT ELIZABETH HOLMES IS
DOING IN THIS CLIP? >> I'M JUST PRACTICING.
SHE'S JUST PRACTICING HER-- A PERSONA THAT-- I DON'T MEAN TO
CALL IT A PERSONA, LIKE, TO, YOU KNOW, DISRESPECT HOW SHE
BEHAVED. BUT I DO THINK IT WAS LIKE A
PERSONA. >> Stephen: I THINK IT'S OKAY
TO DISRESPECT HOW SHE BEHAVED. >> OKAY, THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: CERTAINLY, WHAT I LEARNED FROM AMANDA SEYFRIED'S
PORTRAYAL OF HER, WHILE SHE WAS A HUMAN BEING, SHE WAS ACTIVELY
DECEIVING PEOPLE. >> YEAH.
( LAUGHTER ) >> WE'RE DEVELOPING... NEW
TECHNOLOGY. THIS IS AN INSPIRING STEP
FORWARD. HERE AT THERANOS, WE ARE
DEVELOPING NEW TECHNOLOGY ( CLEARS THROAT )
HERE AT THERANOS, WE ARE DEVELOPING NEW TECHNOLOGY, NEW
TECHNOLOGY. THIS IS INSPIRING STEP FORWARD,
FORWARD. FORWARD.
THIS IS INN SPIERG.
STEP. FORWARD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S REALLY LOVELY.
>> WE DON'T KNOW -- >> Stephen: THAT'S REALLY
LOVELY. REALLY LOVELY.
>> WE DON'T EVEN SHE DID THAT, BUT I THINK SHE DID.
>> Stephen: ELIZABETH HAS THIS PAPERWEIGHT THAT'S KEY.
HAS A FAMOUS QUOTE, WHAT, WOULD YOU ATTEMPT TO DO IF YOU KNEW
YOU COULD NOT FAIL?" DO YOU HAVE AN ANSWER FOR THAT
QUESTION? WHAT WOULD YOU ATTEMPT TO DO IF
YOU KNEW YOU COULD NOT FAIL? >> I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS A
GOOD ANSWER, BUT I WOULD LOVE-- WELL, I WOULD LIKE TO BE ABLE TO
COMMUNICATE IN ENGLISH WITH MY ANIMALS.
>> Stephen: LIKE DR. DOOLITTLE.
>> YBUT THEN AGAIN. >> ATTEMPT TO DO THAT EVERY DAY.
SO ALSO FLY. IT COULD BE NICE IF I COULD FLY
AND NOT FAIL. >> Stephen: DID YOU KNOW-- YOU
SEEM TO BE COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR PONY HERE VERY WELL.
THAT SEEMS LIKE A FORM OF COMMUNICATION.
>> THAT'S JUST ME HOLDING HIS FACE.
>> Stephen: DID YOU KNOW THE CHINESE ARE WORKING ON AN
A.ESMED SYSTEM TO ALLOW YOU TO KNOW HOW CHICKENS FEEL.
OH, NO. I SAID IT ON TV.
WE WERE TALKING ABOUT HOW THEY'RE COMING UP WITH A WAY,
THIS A.I. FIGURES OUT HOW, BASED ON I GUESS THEIR BEHAVIOR OR
SOUNDS OR SOMETHING, HOW YOUR CHICKENS ARE FEELING.
WOULD YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW YOUR CHICKEN IS FEELING?
>> YEAH! I WOULD WANT TO KNOW --
>> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR GUESS ABOUT HOW YOUR CHICKENS ARE
FEELING RIGHT NOW, AMANDA SEYFRIED?
>> I THINK THERE'S A LITTLE BIT STRESSED BECAUSE THE WEATHER HAS
BEEN ERRATIC. I THINK THEY ARE HOT, BECAUSE
THEY HAVE NOT BEEN LAYING THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS.
>> Stephen: DOES THAT STOP THEM FROM LAYING WHEN IT'S TOO
HOT. >> I BELIEVE.
IT'S ABOUT WEATHER. THEY STOP LAYING EVERY SEASON
FOR A TIME PERIOD, AND IT'S MIDSEASON, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: SURE. >> SO THEY MUST BE HOT-- WE'RE
ALL HOT, RIGHT. >> Stephen: I'M NOT LAYING
RIGHT NOW. >> NO, ME, EITHER.
I'M NEVER LAYING AGAIN. >> Stephen: WE TALKED ABOUT
THAT THE LAST TIME YOU WERE HE WERE IS YOU RECENTLY HAD-- IS
THIS YOUR SECOND CHILD? >> YES.
>> Stephen: AND YOU TOLD ME IN THE INTERVIEW, TOWARD THE END
YOU SAID, I'M TO REMIND YOU NOT TO HAVE A THIRD CHILD.
THIS IS YOUR REMINDER. >> THANK YOU.
( APPLAUSE ) I HAVE TO TAIL, IT'S ABSOLUTELY
FANTASTIC. >> FOR YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: AMANDA, IT'S
REALLY LOVELY TO SEE YOU. >> THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
>> Stephen: "THE DROPOUT" IS AVAILABLE NOW ON HULU.
AMANDA SEYFRIED, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STEPHAN
HEY, EVERYBODY! FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS AN EMMY
AWARD-WINNING COMEDIAN WHO CREATED THE BRITISH VERSION OF
"THE OFFICE." YOU'VE SEEN HIM IN MOVIES
INCLUDING "HOT FUZZ," "LOGAN," AND "JOJO RABBIT."
HIS COMEDY SERIES, "THE OUTLAWS," RETURNS NEXT WEEK FOR
ITS SECOND SEASON. PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE
SHOW," STEPHEN MERCHANT! ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) MEET A FELLOW STEPHEN.
IT'S A "PH"RIGHT? >> ROCKING THE PH.
>> Stephen: "V" IS LAZY. >> "V" IS COMMON.
>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO ASK SOMETHING OBVIOUS, HOW TALL ARE
YOU? >> 6'7".
>> Stephen: THOSE OF US WHO AREN'T-- LIKE, I DIDN'T QUITE
MAKE SIX FEET AND I WANTED TO SO BADLY.
THOSE OF US WHO AREN'T IN THE 6 CLUB, WE'RE LIKE,s, WHAT'S IT
LIKE TO BE SUPER TALL LIKE THAT?"
WHAT'S IT LIKE? >> ONE OF THE DIFFICULTIES
PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE, WHEN YOU'RE 6'7--" THIS IS SERIOUS--
I HAVE TO BUY CLOTHES FROM A SPECIALIST SHOP, A NUMBER OF
SPECIALIST SHOPS. >> Stephen: IT SOUNDS LIKE
YOUR CLOTHES ARE ORTHOPEDIC. >> THEY MAY AS WELL BE.
BECAUSE THE COMPANIES KNOW YOU HAVE NO OTHER OPTIONS THEY COME
UP WITH NAMES THAT ARE ACTUALLY INSULTING TO THE CUSTOMERS.
I'M NOT JOKING, THIS IS A REAL COMPANY WHERE I BOUGHT THIS POLO
SHIRT. STEPHEN, WOULD YOU READ THE NAME
OF THE COMPANY THAT MADE THIS POLO SHIRT?
( LAUGHTER ). TALL."
>> "2 TALL." >> Stephen: MIGHT AS WELL SAY,
"YOU HAVE A PROBLEM." >> IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
IMAGINE IF THERE WAS A CLOTHING BRAND CALLED 2 FAT.
IT WOULD GET RIGHTLY BANNED. 22 PAUL.
I MAY AS WELL BUY THE JEANS FROM LANKY WANCHGER.
IT'S LIKE I'M BUYING MY CLOTHES FROM A SCHOOL BULLY.
>> Stephen: WHERE DID YOU GET THAT OUTFIT?
CIRCUS FREAK. >> EXACTLY.
I'VE NEVER BEEN-- IN A WAY 2 TALL AT LEAST IS BETTER BECAUSE
NOW YOU CAN BUY THE CLOTHES MAIL ORDER AND SMUGGLE THEM INTO THE
HOUSE. BUT WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, I HAD TO
GO TO A BRICK-AND-MORTAR STORE IN THE U.K., AND THIS WAS A
STORE CALLED "HIGH AND MIGHTY." YEAH.
AND YOU'D GO IN THERE AND, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE 16 OR 17, AND YOU'D
GO INTO THIS STORE AND THERE WERE REALLY THIN GUYS AND REALLY
BIG GUYS. IT WAS LIKE SHOPPING IN A HALL
OF MIRRORS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
AND I REMEMBER YOU WOULD BE TO THE MALL WITH YOUR FRIEND, AND
THEY WOULD GO INTO ABERCROMBIE AND FICH, AND I DIDN'T WANT THEM
TON WHERE I WAS SHOPPING. "I'M OFF TO BUY SOME BALLET
TIGHTS. YEARS LATER I DID AN VIERNT FOR
A MAGAZINE IN THE U.K., AND THEY SAID IS THERE ANYTHING YOU DON'T
LIKE? I SAID I DON'T LIKE THE STORE
HIGH AND MIGHTY BECAUSE THEY SELL EXPENSIVE CLOTHES AND THATD
THEY'RE NOT VERY NICE AND WELL MOVIE.
THE WOMAN I'M WORKING WITH GOES TO THE CHECKOUT LADY AND SAYS
I'M BUYING THESE CLOTHES IF THE ACTOR DOESN'T WEAR ALL OF THEM
CAN I RETURN SOME? THE WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER
SAID-- I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP-- "WHO IS THE ACTOR YOU'RE BUYING
FOR?" AND THE WOMAN SAID, "I CAN'T
TELL YOU." I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP.
FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER, A LAMINATED COPY OF THE INTERVIEW,
WHERE I HAD SLAGGED OFF THE SHOP, AND SHE HELD IT UP AND
SAID, "IS IT HIM?" AND THE COSTUME LADY, "YEAH."
"WE DON'T SELL TO HIM," AND SHE SLAMMED IT ON THE TABLE.
IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE. >> Stephen: WOW!
>> UNBELIEVABLE. I FELT LIKE I WAS ON SOME KIND
OF REGISTER. >> Stephen: WOW.
>> THANKFULLY THE SHOP WENT OUT OF BUSINESS IN THE END.
HERE WE ARE. >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
SO YOU'RE ON NOW SEASON TWO. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: OF "THE OUTLAWS." RETURNS NEXT WEEK.
YOU'RE A COCREATOR. TELL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T SEEN
IT WHAT IS IT ABOUT? >> IT'S A SHOW ABOUT SEVEN
PEOPLE WHO HAVE COMMITTED VARIOUS TYPES OF CRIMES AND
THEY'RE ASSIGNED TO THE TASK OF DOING COMMUNITY SERVICE TO PAY
BACK THE COMMUNITY. >> Stephen: SURE
>> AND THEY FIND A BIG BAG OF MONEY, AND THEY END UP GETTING
INVOLVED IN A KIND OF CRIMINAL CONSPIRACY, WHILE ALSO GETTING
TO KNOW EACH OTHER. AND IT'S A KIND OF DRAMA.
IT'S A THRILLER. IT'S A COMEDY.
AND IT STARS MR. CHRISTOPHER WALKEN, AMONG OTHERS.
( APPLAUSE ). THERE'S YOU.
RIGHT THERE. I HAVE A PHOTO HERE OF SOMETHING
THAT HAPPENED ON SET, AND I'M HOPING YOU CAN EXPLAIN THIS FOR
ME. THIS IS NOT A STUNT.
>> NO, NO, THIS IS -- >> Stephen: WHAT HAPPENED
HERE? >> SO THIS IS OUR... THIS IS OUR
COSTUME TRUCK. WE FILMED IT IN MY HOME TOWN OF
BRISTOL WHICH HAS A BIG RIVER RUNNING THROUGH IT.
AND I WENT INTO SET ONE DAY TO FIND THAT COSTUME TRUCK IN THE--
HALF SUBMERGEED IN THE RIVER. AND THAT'S JUST FOR MY SHOES,
THAT TRUCK. AND, YEAH, WE'RE GENUINELY NOT
ENTIRELY SURE HOW IT HAPPENED. I'M NOT IF YOU'RE AWARE DURING
BREXIT WE COULDN'T GET TRUCK DRIVERS.
WE HAD TO CALL IN A LOT OF FAVORS AND THAT WAS DRIVEN BY MY
GRANDMOTHER. AND SHE'S A DEMON ON THE
MOBILITY SCOOTER. >> Stephen: HOW DID YOU FIND
OUT? DID YOU SHOW UP TO WORK AND IT
WAS THE RIVER? >> YEAH, I WISHED I HAD PAID FOR
CATARACT SURGERY IN BOTH OF HER EYE S.
>> Stephen: WAS ANYONE HURT? >> NO ONE WAS HURT, AND THE
COSTUMES WERE RUINED AND THERE WAS NO HIGH AND MIGHTY SO I WAS
DONE FOR ( APPLAUSE ).
WANT TO SHOW THIS YET. I DON'T WANT TO SHOW THIS YET.
BUT IS IT TRUE CHRISTOPHER WALKEN PAINTED OVER AN ACTUAL
THINK ABOUTSY? >> I'M FROM BRISTOL AND BRISTOL
IS THE HOME OF BANKSY'S ART. HIS ARTIFICER APPEARED IN
BRISTOL. WE THOUGHT IT WAS A FUN IDEA.
IN THE SHOW THEY'RE RENOVATING A BUILDING AND THEY'RE PATIENTING
THIS BUILDING AND WE THOUGHT WOULDN'T IT BE FUN IF WE
UNEARTHED A BANKSY. AND SOMEBODY SAID WHAT IF WE TRY
TO CONTACT THE REAL BANKSY AND GET HIM TO DO A REAL PIECE OF
ART FOR THE SHOW AND ASK CHRISTOPHER WALKEN TO PAINT OVER
IT. WE MANAGED TO FIND SOME
GO-BETWEENS AND GOT WORD TO BANKSY.
AND HE SAID, "IF I'VE GOT TIME I'LL DO THIS."
WE SHOWED UP ONE MORNING, AND THERE WAS AN ORIGINAL BANKSY
PAINTED ON THIS BUILDING WE WERE USING AS A SET.
WE COVERED IT UP, HID IT FROM THE CAST AND CREW.
SIX WEEKS LATER I WENT TO CHRISTOPHER'S TRAIRL AND SAD,
WE'VE HAD A BANKSY HERE FOR SIX WEEKS.
YOU'RE GOING TO PAINT OVER IT. NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT IT."
AND WE HAD ONE SHOT TO GET IT RIGHT AND WE GOT IT AND WE
INCLUDED IT IN THE SHOW AND WE KEPT IT SECRET.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE THE CLIP RIGHT HERE.
♪ THEY WORK SO HARD UNTIL THE SUN IS GOING DOWN ♪
>> UNDER 10 KILLOS ARE YOURS. >> IT'S GRAFFITI.
>> HE SAID TO PAINT OVER ANY GRAFFITI.
>> IT'S AWFULLY GOOD. >> LESS DEBATING, MORE PAINTING
♪ THAT'S THE SOUND OF THE MEN THEY'RE WORKING ON THE CHAIN
GANG ♪ ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: BEAUTIFUL. I LOVE IT.
>> ISN'T THAT GREAT? >> Stephen: STEPHEN, LOVELY TO
MEET YOU. >> THANKS SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME.
>> Stephen: SEASON TWO OF "THE OUTLAWS" PREMIERES AUGUST 5 ON
PRIME VIDEO. STEPHEN MERCHANT, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. ED
♪THERE COMES A TIME WHEN PEACE OF MIND, CAN'T WAIT
ANY LONGER ♪ YOU HIT A WALL
AND START TO FALL, THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO SAY
♪ AND SOMETIMES THERE ISN'T ANY SIGN OF A PATH THAT CLEAR TO
FOLLOW ♪ MOST TIMES I BEGIN TO FIND
THAT IT'S ME THAT'S IN THE WAY ♪ I TAKE A LOOK AT MYSELF
TAKE A LOOK AT MYSELF ♪ NOW I TRY TO BE PATIENT, MAN
THERE WAS NO WAY OF KNOWING ♪ I CLOSE MY EYES UNTIL I CAN
SEE WHAT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME ♪ AND SOMETIMES YOU DON'T NEED
EVERYONE TO REMIND YOU WHERE YOU'RE GOING
♪ MOST TIMES I BEGIN TO FIND I GOT EVERYTHING THAT I NEED
♪ I TAKE A LOOK AT MYSELF I TAKE A LOOK AT MYSELF
♪ 'CAUSE WHEN I FIGURE OUT HOW
TO SETTLE DOWN I KNOW I'LL BE OKAY
♪ AND IT'S ALRIGHT IF I WAIT IT OUT
♪ THE SUN WILL RISE THE MORNING COMES WITH A BRAND
NEW LIGHT ♪ IT'S ALRIGHT TO TAKE A DEEP
BREATH AND LOOK WITHIN ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ IT'S ALRIGHT IF I WAIT IT OUT
THE SUN WILL RISE ♪ THE MORNING COMES
WITH A BRAND NEW LIGHT ♪ IT'S ALRIGHT TO TAKE A DEEP
BREATH AND LOOK WITHIN ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ I TAKE A LOOK AT MYSELF
TAKE A LOOK AT MYSELF ♪ TAKE A LOOK AT MYSELF
MAKE THE TIME TO STEP AWAY ♪ BECAUSE WHEN I FIGURE OUT HOW
TO SETTLE DOWN ♪ I KNOW I'LL BE OKAY.
STAY HUMAN BAND EVERYBODY! THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE JONATHAN KARL AND
B.J. NOVAK. GOOD NIGHT.