>> A POLITICAL DEAL THAT SURPRISED EVEN WASHINGTON
INSIDERS. WEST VIRGINIA DEMOCRAT SENATOR
JOE MANCHIN REVERSING COURSE AND AGREEING TO SUPPORT ITS PARTY'S
CLIMATE CHANGE HEALTHCARE, AND TAXES BILL.
>> YOU NEVER SEE WASHINGTON SURPRISED LIKE IT IS THIS
MORNING. >> WHAT ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
>> SHUT UP! >> I CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT I AM
HEARING! >> COME ON!
>> NO WAY! >> ARE YOU FOR REAL!
>> THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! >> WHAT!
>> WHAT?
>> WHAT! >> WHAT'S HAPPENING!
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT:
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: JONATHAN KARL
AND B.J. NOVAK FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
HUMAN. WITH SPECIAL GUEST ST. VINCENT.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: HELLO! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU. GOOD TO SEE YOU.
NICE TO SEE YOU. HAPPY THURSDAY.
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY,
PLEASE! YOU'RE VERY KIND.
VERY NICE. WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE
LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION-- QUICK QUESTION.
SHOW OF HANDS: ANYONE HERE LIVE ON EARTH?
I'VE GOT SOME WONDERFUL NEWS FOR YOU, BECAUSE YESTERDAY, OUT OF
NOWHERE SENATOR JOE MANCHIN REACHED A DEAL WITH HIS
DEMOCRATIC COLLEAGUES ON A BILL THAT WOULD LOWER HEALTHCARE
COSTS, REDUCE THE FEDERAL DEFICIT, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY,
COMBAT CLIMATE CHANGE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT? JOE MANCHIN IS FIGHTING CLIMATE
CHANGE? WAIT, AM I DREAMING?
I HAVE ALL MY TEETH, I'M NOT A SKELETON, YOU'RE ALL WEARING
CLOTHES, I'M RICH AND FAMOUS... NO, THIS IS REAL.
THIS IS A BIG DEAL. THE SIZE OF THE BIG?
GRANDE. IT PROVIDES $370 BILLION IN NEW
SPENDING TO FIGHT GLOBAL WARMING.
AND ACCORDING TO EXPERTS, BY 2030, THIS PLAN WOULD REDUCE
U.S. CARBON EMISSIONS BY ROUGHLY 40%.
THAT IS-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT IS GOOD NEWS. AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE
A REACTION FROM THE ARCTIC: ♪ ♪ ♪
>> WOOO! >> HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE ALL
GONNA GET LAID! >> PARTY!
>> Stephen: TO ACHIEVE THIS GOAL, AMONG OTHER THINGS,
THE BILL PROVIDES TAX CREDITS TO BOOST SOLAR PANELS, BATTERIES,
AND OTHER TECHNOLOGIES, AND ALSO MAKES IT COSTLY TO EMIT METHANE.
SLIGHT HITCH. SLIGHT HITCH ON THAT LAST ONE:
FROM NOW ON, YOU'LL HAVE TO PAY A $10 TOLL EVERY TIME YOU FART.
DON'T WORRY. THERE'S GOING TO BE AN E-ZPASS.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIKE WHERE IT GOES.
THE BILL PAYS FOR ITSELF BY SETTING A 15% CORPORATE MINIMUM
TAX RATE ON BILLION-DOLLAR COMPANIES OR LARGER,
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FUNDING TO HELP BEEF UP TAX
ENFORCEMENT, ESPECIALLY FOR WEALTHY AMERICANS.
FINALLY, THE MEGA-RICH WILL HAVE TO PAY ANY TAXES AT ALL.
IT'S GOT ELON MUSK SO SCARED HE'S AS WHITE AS A GHOST.
PEOPLE ARE VERY EXCITED. PEOPLE, I AM TOLD, ARE VERY
EXCITED ABOUT THE BILL. INCLUDING PRESIDENT BIDEN, WHO
SAID, "THIS IS THE ACTION THE AMRICAN PEOPLE HAVE BEEN
WAITING FOR." TECHNICALLY, SIR, TECHNICALLY,
THAT WAS "TOP GUN: MAVERICK." CRUISE HAS STILL GOT IT!
WE MISS YOU, GOOSE. MANCHIN'S ANNOUNCEMENT SHOCKED
EVERYONE, BECAUSE HE HAS OPPOSED THESE PROVISIONS FOR MONTHS.
IN FACT, THIS BILL IS A MARKED DEPARTURE FROM MANCHIN'S
POSITION ONLY DAYS EARLIER. SO WHAT HAPPENED?
TURNS OUT MANCHIN WAS VISITED BY THE GHOST OF CLIMATE FUTURE:
>> YOU THERE, BOY. WHAT DAY IS TODAY?
>> WHY, IT'S JULY 27, OF COURSE! >> GO DOWN TO THE SENATE AND GET
ME $370 BILLION OF CLIMATE SPENDING.
HURRY, IT'S SNOWING IN JULY! THAT'S (BLEEPED) UP!
>> Stephen: STILL-- STILL GET YOU.
IT'S SO-- IT GETS YOU, YOU KNOW. ALL THESE PROVISIONS WERE
ORIGINALLY JOE BIDEN'S IDEA, BUT IN HIS ANNOUNCEMENT, MANCHIN
PROCLAIMED, "'BUILD BACK BETTER' IS DEAD, AND INSTEAD, WE
HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE OUR COUNTRY STRONGER BY BRINGING
AMERICANS TOGETHER." YES, "BUILD BACK BETTER" IS
DEAD. INSTEAD, MANCHIN'S GOING TO...
CONSTRUCT AGAIN... THINGS MORE GOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) HIS CHANGE-- HIS CHANGE OF
HEART-- MANCHIN'S, I MEAN, HIS CHANGE OF HEART REALLY
SURPRISED SENATE MINORITY LEADER AND TAXIDERMIED CHICKEN THIGH,
MITCH McCONNELL McCONNELL CAN'T FILIBUSTER THIS
BILL, BECAUSE IT'S PART OF THE BUDGET RECONCILIATION
PROCESS. BUT TO DISSUADE DEMOCRATS FROM
EVEN TRYING THAT, MCCONNELL HAD THREATENED THAT REPUBLICANS
WOULD BLOCK A DIFFERENT BILL, A POPULAR SEMICONDUCTOR CHIP
BILL THAT WOULD MAKE THE U.S. MORE COMPETITIVE WITH CHINA
CALLED,"THE CHIPS AND SCIENCE ACT."
WHICH I BELIEVE ALSO PAYS FOR THE DEVELOPMENT OF NEW THREE-
DIMENSIONAL COOL RANCH TECHNOLOGY.
IT'S LIKE THE SODIUM IS COMING RIGHT AT YOU.
YESTERDAY, McCONNELL DID ALLOW THAT CHIP BILL TO BE VOTED ON
BECAUSE LAST WEEK, MANCHIN SAID HE WAS NEVER VOTING FOR "BUILD
BACK BETTER." THEN, JUST HOURS AFTER THE CHIP
BILL PASSED, SCHUMER AND MANCHIN ANNOUNCED THEIR RECONCILIATION
DEAL! BOOM!
THEY PULLED THE OLD BAIT AND MITCH.
AND YOU HAVE TO GET UP-- ( LAUGHTER )
HOLD ON! HOLD ON!
YOU HAVE TO GET UP PRETTY EARLY
IN THE MORNING TO OUTMANEUVER MITCH MCCONNELL, BECAUSE ONCE
THE SUN WARMS THE ROCK HE'S LYING ON, HE CAN MOVE PRETTY
FAST. PEOPLE ARE CALLING THIS DEAL
"WASHINGTON'S BEST-KEPT SECRET," A TERM PREVIOUSLY USED ONLY TO
DESCRIBE GEORGE'S THIRD NIPPLE. ( LAUGHTER )
PLANET, WE CAN NOW REST EASY AND FREAK OUT ABOUT THE ECONOMY,
BECAUSE TODAY, WE LEARNED THAT THE U.S. ECONOMY SHRANK FOR A
SECOND QUARTER IN A ROW, RAISING FEARS THAT WE COULD BE
ENTERING A RECESSION. WE HAVE A CLIP OF ECONOMISTS
RELEASING THE NEWS THIS MORNING: >> THAT WAS SCARY.
THE NUMBERS WERE SCARY. ( LAUGHTER )
RECESSION. OR ARE WE?
ACCORDING TO THE WHITE HOUSE, TWO CONSECUTIVE QUARTERS OF
ECONOMIC CONTRACTION DOES NOT, IN AND OF ITSELF, CONSTITUTE A
RECESSION. THANKFULLY, WE HAVE CABLE NEWS
TO CUT THROUGH ALL THE SPIN AND GIVE US SOME STRAIGHT ANSWERS.
CNN, WE'VE HAD BACK-TO-BACK QUARTERS OF NEGATIVE GROWTH.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN HISTORICALLY?
>> EVERY SINGLE TIME SINCE 1948 THAT YOU HAVE HAD BACK-TO-BACK
QUARTERS OF NEGATIVE GROWTH, YOU'VE HAD A RECESSION, EVERY
TIME. >> Stephen: SO THAT'S THE CASE
THIS TIME. >> THAT MAY NOT NECESSARILY BE
THE CASE THIS TIME. >> Stephen: OKAY.
STILL, RECESSION-WISE, WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO USE HISTORY AS A
GUIDE, RIGHT, MSNBC? >> WE REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW FAR
WE CAN OR CANNOT USE HISTORY AS A GUIDE.
>> Stephen: SURE. BUT AT THE BARE MINIMUM, ON THE
G.D.P. NEXT QUARTER, UP OR DOWN? >> THIS IS A NUMBER THAT COULD
TURN POSITIVE, COULD TURN MORE NEGATIVE.
>> Stephen: OKAY. LAST QUESTION: DO YOU NEED ANY
QUALIFICATIONS AT ALL TO GO ON TV AND TALK ABOUT THE ECONOMY?
>> IT'S REALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: SO--
( APPLAUSE ). >> Stephen: SO, ALL OF YOU ALL
ARE JUST TAKING STABS IN THE DARK LIKE YOU WANDERED
BLINDFOLDED INTO A CAVE? >> WHERE ARE WE?
HOW LONG IS THE TUNNEL? DO WE KNOW?
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, CABLE NEWS.
SO, THE ECONOMY IS SHRINKING, AND INFLATION IS STILL BLOWING
UP, AND IT'S HITTING US RIGHT IN THE BREAKFAST NOOK, BECAUSE IT'S
REACHED A NEW YORK CITY BODEGA FAVORITE: THE BACON, EGG, AND
CHEESE. NO!
THAT'S THE BEST THING ABOUT THE BODEGA!
AFTER THE DUSTY CAN OF GRAPE SODA, OATMEAL COOKIES FROM THE
90s, AND THE ANGRY CAT. THE PRICE OF THE BACON, EGG, AND
CHEESE HAS SKYROCKETED FROM $2.50 TO $4.50.
MAN, THAT TAKES A LOT OF CHEDDAR TO BRING HOME THAT BACON.
AND THIS IS-- ( LAUGHTER )
WOW, WOW. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO
HIT WITH THE THE BAND. YOU JUST DON'T KNOW...
THIS IS A TOUGH BLOW TO CITY COMMUTERS, BECAUSE THE BACON,
EGG, AND CHEESE IS A STAPLE IN MANY NEW YORKERS' DIETS.
YES, BECAUSE IT'S GOT ALL THE ESSENTIAL FOOD GROUPS:
BACON, FOIL, AND YELLOW. ED A LITTLE BIT OF FOIL.
JUST A LITTLE-- LITTLE FOIL. RISING PRICES ARE ALSO HITTING
NEW YORK'S DESSERTS, BECAUSE ICE CREAM TRUCKS ARE THE LATEST
TARGET OF INFLATION. FIRST, WE LOSE THE CHOCO TACO
AND NOW OUR SOFT SERVE. ICE CREAM TRUCKS USED TO BE
LUCRATIVE, BUT NOT ANYMORE, NOW THAT GAS PRICES ARE UP AND A
25-POUND BOX OF SPRINKLES GOES FOR ABOUT $60, DOUBLE WHAT IT
COST A YEAR AGO. WHICH REALLY MAKES "SPRINKLES"
SOUND LIKE A STREET DRUG: >> PSSST!
HEY, YOU WANNA SWEETEN YOUR CONE?
60 BUCKS FOR 25 POUNDS. TAKE THEM WITH A FRIEND IN A
SAFE PLACE. DRINK A LOTTA WATER."
NOW ICE CREAM TRUCKS ARE ON THE VERGE OF BANKRUPTCY.
MISTER SOFTEE'S SO DESPERATE, HE'LL LET YOU LICK HIS HAIR FOR
50 BUCKS BEHIND THE BUS STOP. ( LAUGHTER )
CREAM TRUCKS MIGHT BECOME A THING OF THE PAST.
IT'S SUCH A SHAME. IF WE DON'T HAVE ICE CREAM
TRUCKS, KIDS WILL NO LONGER HAVE A REASON TO GATHER IN THE STREET
TO HAPPY JINGLES LIKE THIS: ♪ ♪ ♪
COME, CHILDREN. HEED THE SIREN SONG OF THE
MYSTERY VAN AND COLLECT YOUR SWEET TREATS.
DO MAKE HASTE, FOR THE VAN WILL NOT BE HERE ON THE MORROW.
WE ACCEPT VENMO. ( LAUGHTER )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE JONATHAN KARL AND B.J. NOVAK.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"!
STICK AROUND!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). EVERYBODY.
SAY HI TO ST. VINCENT AND LOUIS CATO AND THE BAND, EVERYBODY!
THERE YOU GO. MY GOODNESS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. WHAT A GREAT WAY TO START THE
WORK DAY. LOUIS, TONIGHT, WE'VE GOT A
COUPLE OF LOVELY FELLOWS OUT HERE.
ABC NEWS CHIEF WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT JONATHAN KARL IS
GOING TO BE OUT HERE IN JUST A LITTLE WHILE.
HE'S GOT HIS BOOK "BETRAYAL," WHICH IS ABOUT JANUARY 6 AND ALL
THE EVENTS LEADING UP TO THAT. BROKE SOME NEWS THE LAST FEW
DAYS OVER THERE. AND OF COURSE EVERYBODY LOVES
"THE OFFICE," B.J. NOVAK IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE.
HE HAS A NEW FILM CALLED "VENGEANCE."
ST. VINCENT, I JUST HAVE TO SAY TO YOU REALLY QUICK.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE THIS WEEK.
IT HAS BEEN SUCH A JOY TO HAVE YOU OVER THERE WITH THE BAND.
>> Louis: TRULY, FOR REAL, FOR REAL.
>> Stephen: I HOPE YOU HAVE HAD FUN.
>> I HAVE HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE.
>> Stephen: AREN'T THESE AMAZING PEOPLE TO PLAY WITH IN A
BEAUTIFUL SPACE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
ALL RIGHT, I DON'T WANT TO FREAK YOU OUT, BUT I WANT TO SHOI A
PHOTO I KEEP IN MY OFFICE. I KEEP THAT PHOTO IN MY OFFICE.
( APPLAUSE ) THESE DAYS CAN BE KIND OF HARD
DOING THE SHOW. IT'S A BIT OF A GRIND HERE, AS
ANYBODY WOULD TELL YOU. IT'S A GREAT JOB, AND I'M
PRIVILEGED TO HAVE IT. AND I LOOK AT THIS AND GO LOOK
WHO I GET TO MEET. LOOK AT THE AYERSTS I HAVE ON
THE SHOW, AND YOU ARE AN EXEMPLAR ON THAT, SO THANK YOU
SO MUCH. >> THANK YOU.
( APPLAUSE ) OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE,
CAREFULLY SELECTING THE FINEST AND HEALTHIEST NEWS, CROSS-
BREEDING IT WITH SETUPS DESCENDED FROM THE MOST TOPICAL
STORYLINES, THEN HAND-RAISING THEM TO PRODUCE FOR YOU THE
AMERICAN KENNEL CLUB BEST-IN-SHOW-WINNING PRIZED
TIBETAN MASTIFF THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I HUFF FROM A CINCH SACK
FULL OF UNCAPPED FELT-TIP MARKERS, BREAK INTO A ROADSIDE
PETTING ZOO, SPRAY THE PLACE DOWN WITH BLACK MARKET
PHEROMONES, THEN UNLOCK ALL THE CAGES AND UNLEASH A WEEK-LONG
INTERSPECIES ORGY TO PRODUCE THE SHRIEKING, INBRED EVOLUTIONARY
CUL-DE-SAC OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
MEANWHILE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
REANIMATED DEAD SPIDERS AS ROBOT GRIPPING CLAWS.
THANK, SCIENCE. THAT IS A HORRIFYING
COLLECTION OF PANTS-CRAPPING TERROR.
IT'S AN IMAGE RIPPED RIGHT FROM THE NIGHTMARES I'LL BE HAVING
LATER TONIGHT. IT'S A VENN DIAGRAM WHERE
SPIDERS, ROBOTS, AND ZOMBIES OVERLAP.
JIMMY, CAN WE ZOOM IN? OH, MY GOD!
SPIDERS APPARENTLY FLEX USING A HYDRAULIC SYSTEM BASED IN THE
TORSO. SO SCIENTISTS AT RICE UNIVERSITY
THOUGHT, HEY, WHAT IF WE JUST JAMMED A NEEDLE IN THERE AND
CONTROLLED IT OURSELVES? I'LL LET "THEM" UPSET YOU.
>> WE TOOK THE SPIDER. WE PLACED THE NEEDLE IN IT,
NOT KNOWING WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.
WE KIND OF HAD, LIKE, AN ESTIMATE OF WHERE WE WANTED TO
PLACE THE NEEDLE, AND WHEN WE DID IT AND IT WORKED!
THE FIRST TIME, RIGHT OFF THE BAT, ACTUALLY.
AND THAT WAS REALLY... I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO
DESCRIBE IT. >> I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO
DESCRIBE IT. >> Stephen: I DO!
YOU MADE AN ARCADE CLAW MACHINE OUT OF A DEAD ARACHNID.
AND NOW WE LIVE IN A TIM BURTON FEVER DREAM.
THESE RESEARCHERS SAY THAT USING DEAD SPIDERS COULD CREATE CHEAP,
EFFECTIVE, AND BIODEGRADABLE ALTERNATIVES TO CURRENT
ROBOTIC SYSTEMS. AND THEY HAVE DUBBED THEIR NEW
AREA OF RESEARCH "NECROBOTICS." SO THEY'RE NECROBOTS?
THAT IS IN NO WAY REASSURING, THOUGH, THE TITLE ALONE HAS
ALREADY BEEN GREEN LIT AS THE NEXT MICHAEL BAY MOVIE.
NOW, YOU MAY BE ASKING, "STEVE, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE NECROBOT
SPIDERS DEFINITELY RISE UP AND TURN AGAINST US?
HOW WILL WE GET RID OF THEM?" APPARENTLY, THE ANSWER IS USING
OTHER NECROSPIDERS. THAT'S REALLY GOING TO CHANGE
HOW WE REACT TO BUGS IN OUR HOUSE: "OH, MY GOD!
IT'S A SPIDER! GET ME THE SPIDER!"
( LAUGHTER ) OH, GOD.
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, EMPLOYEES AT A FRUIT STAND FOUND A WALLET,
AND IT WAS WILLIAM SHATNER'S. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) IT'S GOT EVERYTHING.
EVERYTHING'S RIGHT THERE. WORKERS-- WHERE DO THEY WORK?
FRUIT STAND. WHAT DO THEY DO THERE?
FIND WALLETS. WHOSE WALLET?
WILLIAM SHATNER'S. THERE'S NOTHING MORE TO ADD TO
THAT STORY. IT REMINDS ME OF THAT CLASSIC
HEMINGWAY STORY: "FOR SALE.
BABY SHOES. THEY'RE WILLIAM SHATNER'S."
MEANWHILE, A NEW CONTEST ASKS: "WANT FREE SUBWAY SANDWICHES FOR
LIFE?" NOPE.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, THERE'S BIG TRAVEL
NEWS-- OTHERWISE KNOWN AS "HUDSON NEWS"-- BECAUSE THIS
MORNING, JETBLUE AGREED TO BUY SPIRIT AIRLINES FOR
$3.8 BILLION. IT'S HISTORIC.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME ANYONE WANTED SPIRIT AIRLINES.
IT'S NORMALLY THE LAST CHOICE BEHIND, "CAN'T WE JUST WALK FROM
ALBANY TO ROCHESTER?" THIS DEAL COMES AFTER A LONG
BIDDING WAR BETWEEN JETBLUE AND FRONTIER, WHICH IS WHY INSIDERS
SAY GETTING TO AN AGREEMENT WAS A ROCKY PROCESS.
OH, YOU MEAN IT WAS... TURBULENT?
( APPLAUSE ) THE TWO AIRLINES NOW HAVE TO
WAIT FOR REGULATORY APPROVAL, BUT THEY EXPECT TO CLOSE THE
TRANSACTION NO LATER THAN THE FIRST HALF OF 2024.
SOUNDS LIKE A LONG TIME, BUT WHILE THEY WAIT, THEY CAN GO TO
SBARRO, MAYBE CHECK OUT THE DUTY-FREE, GET SOME COLOGNE,
LIQUOR, AND 700 CIGARETTES. WALK BACK TO SBARRO.
CONVINCE THEMSELVES THAT 9 A.M. IS LATE ENOUGH FOR A COCKTAIL.
THEN, BOOM, IT'S 2024. BUT I GOTTA SAY, THIS MERGER IS
BITTERSWEET FOR ME, BECAUSE SPIRIT AIRLINES IS ONE OF MY
FAVORITE COMPANIES TO MAKE FUN OF.
HERE'S A TASTE. MEANWHILE, AIRLINE PASSENGERS
WERE STUNNED WHEN A WOMEN WAS CAUGHT BREASTFEEDING HER
HAIRLESS CAT ON A DELTA FLIGHT. I KNOW, SHOCKING...
THAT THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN ON SPIRIT AIRLINES.
( LAUGHTER ) SPIRIT AIRLINES RELEASED THIS
PRO-PRIDE STATEMENT: "AT SPIRIT, WE EMBRACE ALL PEOPLE WHO ARE
WILLING TO SIT IN PET CARGO AND PAY FOR THEIR GINGER ALE AND
PEANUTS WITH HUMAN TEETH. DELTA UPDATED THEIR WEBSITE TO
SAY MASKS ARE NOW OPTIONAL FOR EMPLOYEES AND CUSTOMERS
FOLLOWING THE WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCEMENT, WHILE SPIRIT
AIRLINES RELEASED THIS COCKTAIL NAPKIN: "SPIRIT HAS NEVER VALUED
HUMAN LIFE." ( LAUGHTER )
IN YOUR HONOR, I RAISE A NON-COMPLIMENTARY GLASS OF
UNREFRIGERATED ORANGE DRINK. MAY YOU LAYOVER IN HELL.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JONATHAN KARL.
>> Stephen: ST. VINCENT, EVERYBODY!
CONCLUDE BACK. FOLKS, MY FIRST GUEST IS THE
CHIEF WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT FOR ABC NEWS, CO-ANCHOR OF
"THIS WEEK WITH GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS," AND AUTHOR OF
"BETRAYAL." PLEASE WELCOME, JONATHAN KARL!
( APPLAUSE ). >> Stephen: JONATHAN, GOOD TO
SEE YOU AGAIN. >> GREAT TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: NOW, LET'S TALK ABOUT-- I THINK YOU'VE GOT
MULTIPLE SCOOPS THIS WEEK. BUT LET'S TALK ABOUT ONE OF YOUR
SCOOPS THIS WEEK. YOU REPORTED THAT MIKE POMPEO IS
NOW IN TALKS TO TALK TO THE JANUARY 6 COMMITTEE.
FIRST OF ALL, WHAT IS "IN TALKS TO TALK" MEAN?
AREN'T YOU ALREADY TALKING IF YOU'RE IN TALKS.
>> WELL, THEY NEGOTIATE, YOU KNOW, WHAT KIND OF QUESTIONS.
THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS -- >> Stephen: WHY DO YOU GET TO
DO THAT? IF YOU'RE JUST SOME CITIZEN OUT
THERE. HE'S JUST SOME GUY FROM KANSAS
AT THIS POINT. >> HERE'S WHY.
>> Stephen: WHY CAN'T THEY DRAG HIM IN BY THE SCRUFF OF THE
NECK? >> THAT WOULD BE NICE.
YOU DO A SUBPOENA. AND HOW DO YOU ENFORCE THE
SUBPOENA. STEVE BANNON IS FINALLY GUILTY
FOR DEFYING A SUBPOENA. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
THAT WAS A YEAR! THEY WANT TO GET HIM IN QUICKLY
BECAUSE THEY'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.
>> Stephen: SO WHAT DEDO YOU THINK POMPEO, HEAD OF C.I.A.,
SECRETARY OF STATE, BEFORE THAT A CONGRESSMAN.
SO HE MIGHT RESPECT CONGRESS' SUBPOENA AUTHORITY.
>> HE USED IT AS A CONGRESSMAN. >> Stephen: HE DID, OKAY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY'RE MOST INTERESTED IN TALKING TO HIM
ABOUT? >> I KNOW WHAT I'M MOST
INTERESTED TO HEAR FROM HIM, SO I ASSUME IT'S WHERE THEY ARE.
IT'S DISCUSSIONS OF THE 25th AMENDMENT.
AS YOU REMEMBER, I REPORTED IN THE BOOK THAT HE HAD-- YOU'VE
GOT THAT. "BETRAYAL."
>> Stephen: "BETRAYAL." LET'S MOVE SOME PAPER.
THERE YOU GO. >> I REPORTED HE AND STEVE
MNUCHIN, THE MOST SENIOR PEOPLE IN THE CABINET --
>> Stephen: STATE, TREASURY. >> YEAH, HAD A CONVERSATION ON
JANUARY 6 ABOUT THE 25th AMENDMENT.
THE 25th AMENDMENT, WHICH BASICALLY MEANS THAT THE CABINET
CAN REMOVE THE PRESIDENT BY DECLARING HIM MENTALLY UNFIT.
THAT'S QUITE A CONVERSATION FOR MIKE POMPEO, WHO HAS BEEN
TOTALLY AND THOROUGHLY LOYAL TO DONALD TRUMP AND STEVE MNUCHIN,
SAME THING, TO HAVE. SO I WOULD SUSPECT THEY --
>> Stephen: SO, YOU BROKE THAT THEY HAD THE CONVERSATION?
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: IN HERE.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO ASK HIM AS A FOLLOW-UP ABOUT THAT?
>> WELL, MAYBE WHY DIDN'T YOU DO IT?
WOULD BE ONE POSSIBLE THING. ( APPLAUSE )
>> NO. SO, SO --
>> Stephen: HE DOESN'T ADMIT DOING THAT?
>> SO THIS IS KIND OF A WILD STORY.
I REPORTED THIS IT ROCK SOLID THE CONVERSATION HAPPENED, SOME
DETAILS ABOUT WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT WITH THE 25th
AMENDMENT. AND I TRIED TO GET MIKE POMPEO
TO TALK TO ME ABOUT IT. REFUSED, REFUSED.
I WENT TO HIS SPOKESPERSON, PEOPLE CLOSE TO HIM.
REFUSED, REFUSED, REFUSED. NOTHING.
AND I HAD ONE LAST CONVERSATION WITH DONALD TRUMP FOR THE BOOK
OVER THE PHONE AND I ASKED HIM ABOUT THIS.
I WAS LIKE, "THESE ARE YOUR TOP GUYS AND THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT
CALLING YOU MENTALLY UNFIT TO BE PRESIDENT."
AND HE SAD, OH, NO, IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
TOTALLY DIDN'T HAPPEN." AND I SAID, "WHY WON'T MIKE
POMPEO DENY IT IT? NEITHER OF THEM.
THEY WON'T DENY IT." I SWEAR TO YOU, WITHIN AN HOUR I
GOT A PHONE CALL FROM THE GUY WHO HAD BEEN AVOIDING MY CALLS
FOR MONTHS, MIKE POMPEII'SO SPOKESPERSON SAYING, "NEVER
HAPPENED." >> Stephen: NEVER HAPPENED,
BUT THEY'RE GOING TO PUT HIS HAND ON A LITTLE BLACK BOOK,
RIGHT? >> THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING TO BE
LISTENING TO. AND IS HE GOING TO DENY IT UNDER
OATH? AND HE'S NOT.
>> Stephen: DO YOU EVER WISH YOU HAD SUBPOENA POWER?
>> OH, IT WOULD BE SO GOOD. IT WOULD BE SO GOOD.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK BUT WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK WITH MORE JONATHAN KARL, EVERYBODY.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE AUTHOR
OF THE BOOK "BETRAYAL," JONATHAN KARL.
AFTER WRITING THE BOOK ON JB 6 LAST YEAR, ONCE AGAIN, THE BOOK
IS CALLED "BETRAYAL," AND KNOWING ALL YOU KNOW FROM YOUR
REPORTING, WHAT ABOUT THE COMMITTEE'S FINDINGS, IF ANY IN
THESE PUBLIC HEARINGS, HAS SURPRISED YOU?
>> WELL, I'LL TELL YOU, THIS MAY SOUND SILLY, BUT IT'S THAT TRUMP
ACTUALLY WANTED TO GO TO THE CAPITOL ON JANUARY 6.
I MEAN HE SAID IT IN THE SPEECH. >> Stephen: RIGHT, "I'LL BE UP
THERE. I'LL BE WITH YOU."
>> YOU DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING HE SAYS.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU SAYING DONALD TRUMP LIES?
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, SIR? >> I'M LIKE THERE'S NO WAY HE
WANTS TO GO TO THE CAPITOL. IT'S RAUCOUS UP THERE.
THIS GUY WANTS TO HANG OUT AT THE WHITE HOUSE WHILE ALL HIS
PEOPLE ARE UP THERE. WHEN I HEARD CASSIDY HUTCHINSON
SAID HE WANTED TO GO, AND NOT DID HE REALLY WANT TO GO, HE WAS
PISSED-- CAN I SAY -- >> Stephen: YOU CAN SAY PISSED
OFF. >> THAT THE SECRET SERVICE
WOULDN'T ALLOW HIM TO GO UP THERE.
THAT SHOCKED ME. I THOUGHT HE REALLY JUST WANTED
TO GO WATCH IT ON TV, BUT HE REALLY WANTED TO BE THERE.
AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? >> Stephen: WHAT DOES THAT
IT'S A BIG DEAL THAT HE WANTED TO GO.
WHAT HAPPENS IF HE GOES? >> IT'S ALMOST LIKE HE WANTS TO
GO THERE TO PRESIDE OVER THE STOP-- YOU KNOW, OVER THE
DISRUPTION OF THE SORTIFICATION OF JOE BIDEN'S WIN.
IT'S LIKE HE THINKS THAT IT'S GOING TO WORK.
BECAUSE WHY ELSE WOULD YOU BE UP THERE?
WHY ELSE WOULD YOU WANT TO GO UP THERE WITH YOUR PEOPLE.
YOU THINK THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO STOP IT AND BASICALLY EXERCISE
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A COUP. >> Stephen: ARE THERE ANY
LEADS THAT DIDN'T PAN OUT, PEOPLE YOU COULDN'T TALK TO, OR
LEADS YOU COULDN'T FOLLOW THAT THE HEARINGS HAVE BEEN ABLE TO
GET TO? >> I WANT TO GET PAT CIPOLLONE
ON THE RECORD MORE THAN ANYBODY. >> Stephen: LEAD WHITE HOUSE
COUNSEL. >> HE WAS THE WHITE HOUSE
COUNSEL. HE WAS THERE FOR IT ALL.
HE'S ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE WHO WAS REALLY WITH TRUMP THROUGHOUT
IT ALL ON JANUARY 6. AND I KNEW, PEOPLE CLOSE TO
HIM-- I KNEW A LOT ABOUT WHAT HE WAS DOING.
I KNEW HE THOUGHT ABOUT RESIGNING AND THOUGHT IF HE
RESIGNED IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE.
I KNEW THAT HE WAS ABSOLUTELY OPPOSED TO THIS CRAZY NOTION
THAT MIKE PENCE COULD OVERTURN THE ELECTION.
I KNEW ALL THAT. BUT I WANTED-- YOU KNOW, I
REACHED OUT, I SPENT MONTHS. I COULD NOT GET AN ON-THE-RECORD
CONVERSATION WITH HIM. >> Stephen: YOU'VE HAD
OFF-THE-RECORD CONVERSATIONS WITH HIM?
>> I MEAN, I CAN'T REALLY SAY THAT.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN'T EVEN SAY WHETHER YOU HAD-- HOW ABOUT
TELLING ME-- YOU JUST TOLD ME. YOU JUST TOLD ME.
THE FACT THAT YOU CAN'T SAY. A-HA!
>> I AM VERY PERSISTENT.
SO YOU CAN-- YOU CAN ASSUME. BUT --
>> Stephen: OVER A YEAR AGO, YOU HAD-- YOU HAD A SIT-DOWN
WITH THE FORMER PRESIDENT DOWN IN MAR-A-LAGO, RIGHT?
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: HOW THAT YOU
WATCHED THESE HEARINGS WHAT OF THAT CONVERSATION COMES BACK TO
YOU WITH SPECIAL FORCE? >> IT IS THE MOST HAUNTING THING
I'VE EVER HEARD A PRESIDENT, FORMER PRESIDENT SAY THAT I'VE
EVER HEARD DONALD TRUMP SAY. AND THAT'S WHEN I ASKED HIM IF
HE WAS WORRIED ABOUT MIKE PENCE. AND HE SAID, "NO, I KNEW HE WAS
FINE." I SAID, "BUT THEY WERE CHANTING
'HANG MIKE PENCE '." AND HIS ANSWER-- THIS IS THE
PART THAT HAUNTS ME. HE SAID, "THEY WERE ANGRY.
IT'S COMMON SENSE, JOHN. YOU CAN'T PASS ON A FRAUDULENT
VOTE." HE WAS DEFENDING, EXPLAINING
FIRST, AND THEN DEFENDING THE CHCHCHANTS OF PEOPLE THAT WANTEO
MURDER HIS VICE PRESIDENT. JUST LET THAT SINK IN.
THERE ARE A LOT OF CRAZY STUFF THAT ARE SAID-- SAID --
>> Stephen: I TRY NOT TO LET THAT SINK IN, ACTUALLY.
AFTER A YEAR I SCOTCH GUARDED MYSELF SO A LOT OF WHAT HE SAYS
ROLLED OFF A DUCK'S BACK. YOU'RE STILL REPORTING ON THE
INSURRECTION. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND YOU WERE IN ARIZONA YESTERDAY TALKING WITH
ELECTION OFFICIAL RUSTY BOWERS WHO HAD SUCH COMPELLING
TESTIMONY IN FRONT OF THE JANUARY 6 HEARINGS, CLEARLY A
MAN OF FAITH. WHAT DID HE HAVE TO SAY ABOUT
WHERE THINGS STAND NOW IN ARIZONA, FOR INSTANCE?
>> HE'S UP FOR REELECTION. YOU KNOW, HE'S GOT A RACE ON
TUESDAY. TRUMP HAS GONE OUT TO ARIZONA TO
CAMPAIGN AGAINST HIM, SAYING HE DISGRACED HIMSELF, HE DISGRACED
THE STATE OF ARIZONA WHAT HE SAID.
I FOUND RUSTY BOWERS TO BE ONE OF THE MOST SERIOUS, GOOD, KIND
OF MORALLY CENTERED PEOPLE I'VE EVER INTERVIEWED.
IT WAS A FASCINATING CONVERSATION.
HE DESCRIBED GOING BACK TO ARIZONA AFTER HIS TESTIMONY AND
SOME OF THE BLOWBACK HE GOT. AND HE WAS-- HE HAD SOMEBODY
COME UP TO HIM AND SAY, "YOU'RE A TRAITOR!"
AND THE PUNISHMENT FOR TREASON IS HANGING.
I MEAN, THIS IS THE STUFF HE'S STILL DEALING WITH.
AND HE'S GOING TO LOSE-- HE THINKS IT WOULD TAKE A MIRACLE
FOR HIM TO WIN. HE WANTS TO WIN.
HE'S CAMPAIGNING HARD. >> Stephen: AGAIN, SOMEBODY
WHO WANTED THE FORMER PRESIDENT TO WIN.
>> YES, HE WAS A TOTAL TRUMP SUPPORTER, AND TRUMP ASKED HIM
TO USE HIS POWER AS SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE, REPUBLICAN SPEAKER OF
THE HOUSE IN ARIZONA TO OVERTURN THE RESULTS IN ARIZONA, HE
ABSOLUTELY REFUSED. TRUMP TALKED TO HIM TWICE.
GIULIANI TURNED THE SCREWS ON HIM AND THEY PRESSURED HIM IN
EVERY POSSIBLE WAY AND HE STOOD FIRM.
AND HE REALLY FACED UNBELIEVABLE PRESSURE, PERSONAL-- I MEAN, HIS
DAUGHTER WAS DYING, AND THEY WERE GOING OUTSIDE HIS HOUSE
WITH LOUDSPEAKERS, YOU KNOW, SCREAMING AT HIM.
I MEAN -- >> Stephen: AND WHEN ASKED IF
THE FORMER PRESIDENT RECEIVED THE NOMINATION AGAIN IN 2024,
WOULD HE VOTE HEAR HIM, HE SAID YES.
>> HE DID SAY THAT. HE WAS ASKED THAT QUESTION.
WE TALKED ABOUT THAT. THAT IS NOT HIS POSITION.
AND YOU CAN WATCH HIM. IT'S ON SUNDAY ON --
>> Stephen: WHAT, "YES "WAS AN AMBIGUOUS ANSWER?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND. >> HE SAID HE WAS-- I DON'T
REALLY KNOW WHY HE SAID IT THE FIRST TIME.
HE WASN'T EXPECTING THE QUESTION.
IF IT'S BIDEN OR TRUMP, AND HE KIND OF LEANED BACK ON HIS
REPUBLICAN-- THIS GUY IS A LIFELONG REPUBLICAN, BUT HE
SAID-- HE EXPLAINED TO ME THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO WAY.
>> Stephen: SO WE'LL HEAR MORE ABOUT THIS.
>> THERE'S NO WAY HE VOTES FOR DONALD TRUMP AGAIN.
I ASKED HIM HIS ADVICE FOR PEOPLE LIKE KEVIN McCARTHY AND
OTHERS WHO REMAIN SUPPORTIVE, AND IT'S LIKE, "TELL THE TRUTH.
TELL THE TRUTH." AND FOR RUSTY BOWERS, THE TRUTH
IS THAT DONALD TRUMP TRIED TO DESTROY THE CONSTITUTION OF THE
UNITED STATES. AND HIS FAITH IS TO THE
CONSTITUTION. HIS LOYALTY IS TO THE
CONSTITUTION, NOT TO A REPUBLICAN PRESIDENT.
VERY POWERFUL INTERVIEW, ONE OF THE MOST INTERESTING
CONVERSATIONS I'VE HAD IN A LONG TIME.
>> Stephen: JONATHAN, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
>> THANK YOU. ( APPLAUSE )
IS AVAILABLE NOW. JONATHAN KARL, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH B.J. NOVAK.
THE NEW FILM "VENGEANCE." >> SO, AS, LIKE, A PERSONAL
BOUNDARY, LIKE, EVERYBODY'S DIFFERENT.
SOME PEOPLE DON'T EAT CERTAIN FOODS.
YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY-- I DON'T AVENGE DEATHS.
IT'S JUST WHO I AM. I-- YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIVE IN A
LIAM NEESON MOVIE. >> WHICH ONE AM I THINKING
ABOUT? WAS IT "TRAIN?
IT WAS JUST ON TV. >> I DON'T KNOW.
>> "SCHINDLER'S LIST." YOU LOOKED LIKE A LOT OF GUYS IN
THOSE MOVIES. >> THANKS.
>> THAT WAS MY LEAST-FAVORITE LIAM NEESON MOVIE.
HUGE DOWNER. >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK
TO "THE LATE SHOW," B.J. NOVAK!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
HELLO. >> Stephen: HI.
>> GREAT TO BE HERE. >> Stephen: HI, B.J. NOVAK.
>> GREAT TO BE HERE. >> Stephen: SO NICE TO SEE YOU
AGAIN. I JUST DISCOVERED IT'S SIX YEARS
SINCE YOU'VE BEEN HERE. >> IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.
>> Stephen: IT SURE HAS. HOW YOU BEEN?
>> ARE WE GOING TO GET TO ANYTHING?
IS THIS JUST SMALL TALK. >> Stephen: WE'RE PUSHING THE
PRODUCT EVENTUALLY, BUT FIRST THE AUDIENCE-- THEY HAVE TO GET
TO KNOW YOU. HOW ABOUT A KISS?
>> AND HOW ARE YOU? ARE YOU GOOD?
>> Stephen: YOU DIDN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION.
HOW ARE YOU? >> I'M DOING VERY WELL.
>> Stephen: YEAH, ME, TOO. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WE'RE EVEN. ( LAUGHTER )
>> I'LL TELL YOU, THOUGH-- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THIS REMIND ME OF.
I WAS ON THE SET OF "VENGEANCE," WHICH --
>> Stephen: YOUR FILM. >> MY FILM.
>> Stephen: THAT OPENS TOMORROW.
IT OPENS TOMORROW, "VENGEANCE." >> THIS IS SHONTLY A STORY THAT
THIS REMINDS ME OF. >> Stephen: OKAY.
>> I SHOW WE'RE FILMING DURING THE PANDEMIC.
IT'S MY FIRST TIME DIRECTING. IT'S A STRESSFUL, EXCITING
EXPERIENCE. AND I GET TO THE SET AND THIS
WOMAN COMES UP TO ME AND SHE SAYS, "B.J., HOW ARE YOU
FEELING?" I SAD, MY GOD, I FEEL EXCITED.
I FEEL OVERWHELMED. I FEEL A LOT OF THINGS RIGHT
NOW." AND SHE SAID, OKAY, NO SHORTNESS
OF BREATH, FEVER, COUGH?" THIS IS THE COVID TESTER THAT
I'M, LIKE -- >> Stephen: YOU THOUGHT
SOMEONE CARED ABOUT HOW YOU FELT WHEN YOU WERE DIRECTING FOR THE
FIRST TIME? >> YEAH, DIRECTING--
( APPLAUSE ) ELSE.
SO THAT WAS THE CLOSEST CONNECTION I HAD FELT.
>> Stephen: THE FILM ALSO STARS ARCHTON KUTCHER, THE
PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO REMEMBERED "PUNKED "MIGHT REMEMBER YOU--
WAS THAT YOUR FIRST TV JOB. >> FIRST JOB ON CAMERA.
>> Stephen: WAS IN "PUNKED." >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND HAD YOU WORKED TOGETHER SINCE THEN?
WAS THIS-- WAS THIS-- >> NO, NO, I HADN'T SEEN HIM IN
A LONG TIOE. HE CHANGED MY LIFE WITH THAT
SHOW. I WAS DOING OPEN MICS AT THE
TIME, AND I WAS A DO,Y, KHAKIS-WEARING KID AND HE WAS
THE COOLEST KID IN THE WORLD. HE WORE A TRUCKER HAT.
AND EVERYBODY WORE A TRUCKER HAT.
HE WAS A TRENDSETTER, AND I WASN'T REALLY AT THAT MOMENT
GETTING ANYWHERE OR FEELING LOOK A COOL KID OR ANYTHING.
AND OUT OF THE BLUE I WOULD GET A CALL FROM A BURNER PHONE AND
IT'S ASHTON KUTCHER, AND HE WOULD SAY, "I NEED YOU TO BE AT
THE VAN NUYS 2K-678D M.V. TOMORROW, AND KNOW EVERYTHING
ABOUT THE DRIVING CODE. >> YSIR.
I WAS STUDYING UP. >> Stephen: DID PEOPLE GET MAD
AT YOU WHEN THEY GOT PUNKED. >> TERMY MAD.
>> Stephen: THEY COULDN'T GET MAD AT HIM.
HE'S ASHTON KUTCHER. >> I'M MEETING THEM FOR THE
FIRST TYKE, IF MISSY ELLIOTT, I'M MEETING USHER.
IT'S THE WORST DAY OF THEIR LIFE.
I GOT TO MEET USHER, BUT MY JOB WAS I WAS A STORE OWNER ON
MELROSE, AND HIS LITTLE BROTHER HAD BEEN BUSTED FOR
SHOPLIFTING-- HE WAS IN ON IT WITH US.
AND THE ONLY WAY I WOULD LET HIS BROTHER GO IS IF HE RECORDED A
RAP SINGLE FOR MY STORE, WHICH I RAPID FOR HIM.
AND HE WAS LIKE, "FIRST OF ALL, I'M NOT A RAPPER.
SECOND OF ALL, WHY DOES IT REFER TO ICE?"
AND I WAS LIKE, "WE WANTED VANILLA ICE."
AND IT WAS SO FUNNY. SO THEN HE'S FURIOUS.
AND ASHTON COMES OUT, AND HE'S LIKE, "BRO!"
LIKE IT'S A HUGE HUG. AND I'M LIKE... AND HE'S LIKE,
NO, NO, NO. LIKE, YOUR FIRST IMPRESSION OF
SOMEONE STICKS, YOU KNOW. SO I HAVE NOT RUN INTO USHER
SINCE. I DON'T THINK HE'LL-- I DON'T
THINK HE'LL BE IN MY NEXT MOVIE. >> Stephen: NOW YOU'RE A
BIG-TIME DIRECTOR. TELL US ABOUT "VENGEANCE."
WHAT'S THE STORY? >> "VENGEANCE," I PLAY A
SOMEWHAT SHALLOW NEW YORKER WHO IS DRAWN INTO A-- THROUGH AN
AWKWARD SITUATION HE ENDS UP AT THE FUNERAL OF A GIRL HE DIDN'T
KNOW AS WELL AS HIS FAMILY THOUGHT.
A MORE CASUAL PERSON IN HIS MIND.
AS YOU SAW IN THE CLINGER THE FAMILY THINKS NOT ONLY WEE THEY
SERIOUS, BUT IT'S UP TO HIM TO AVENGE THE DEATH.
AND HE IN HIS SHALLOW, AMBITIOUS MIND THINKS, "WELL, THIS SOUND
LIKE A PRETTY GOOD PODCAST," AND GET ROPED IN MUCH DEEPER.
>> Stephen: A TRUE-CRIME PODCAST AND HE'S IN IT.
>> IT HAS THAT MURDER-MYSTERY THRILLER EDGE BUT IT'S THE
COMEDY D.N.A. >> Stephen: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
I WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT. >> OKAY.
>> Stephen: IS THAT WE DID A THING ON THE SHOW A LITTLE WHILE
BACK, BASED ON A TRUE STORY. IT TURNS OUT YOUR FACE GOT
UPLOADED TO SOME-- >> SOME PUBLIC IMAGE --
>> Stephen: SOME PUBLIC IMAGE SITE.
THIS IS A TRUE STORY AND THIS JUST GIVES ME SO MUCH JOY.
>> I'M GLAD YOU'RE AMUSED. >> Stephen: MY FACE WAS USED
TO SELL SUITS IN IRAN AT ONE POINT.
>> GREAT. >> Stephen: THIS IS YOUR FACE,
BEING USED AROUND THE WORLD. THIS IS YOUR FACE BEING USED TO
SELL ELECTRIC RAZORS IN CHINA. HERE IS ONE, I LOVE, YOUR FACE--
FACE PAINT IN URUGUAY. FOR SOME REASON THEY USE-- YOU
LOOK YOUR GUIN TO THESE PEOPLE. >> I GUESS, YEAH.
>> Stephen: THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVES.
THIS IS B.J. NOVAK SELLING A KNEE-LENGTH PONCHO IN EUROPE.
HOW DOES IT FEEL? ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HOW DOES IT FEEL WHEN YOU SEE THIS?
>> SURPRISING. >> Stephen: YES.
>> IT FEELS SURPRISING. >> Stephen: HAVE YOU DONE A
CEASE AND DESIST OR ANYTHING? >> NO, BECAUSE I'M CLEARLY JUST
A FACE TO THEM. THEY DON'T CARE WHO I AM USING.
FIDID CEASE DESIST, THEY WOULD USE YOU.
THEY WOULD USE ANYBODY. I KIND OF LIKE IT.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE THESE. >> I DON'T HAVE ALL OF THESE.
BUT I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING. I SENT-- SOMEONE IN A SWEDISH
MALL SENT ME A MESSAGE ON TWITTER AND SHOWED ME A RACK OF
DISCOUNT COLOGNES WITH MY FACE ON IT L.O.L.
AND I SAID, "ACTUALLY, THIS IS ME.
COULD YOU BUY SOME FOR ME. I'LL GET YOU A CHECK."
AND SHE DID. AND I BROUGHT YOU SOME COLOGNE.
>> Stephen: THIS IS AN ACTUAL PRODUCT PURCHASED IN SWEDEN.
>> YES, SIR. >> Stephen: IT'S CALLED
"ENCOUNTER." ( LAUGHTER )
>> WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY IT. >> Stephen: MAY WE.
>> YES, PLEASE. >> Stephen: LET'S DO IT.
LET'S DO IT. PLEASE, IT'S YOUR SMELL.
>> OH, THAT-- I DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE THAT.
>> Stephen: JUST RIGHT THERE. GO AHEAD.
MMM. >> THIS IS WORST-SMELLING THING
I'VE EVER-- ( LAUGHTER ).
TALCOLM POWDER ON A BRAND-NEW SOCCER BALL.
>> IT'S TERRIBLE. >> Stephen: I KNOW WHAT I'M
GIVING THE STAFF FOR CHRISTMAS. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: THAT IS FANTASTIC. B.J. NOVAK, WHAT A DELIGHT TO
HAVE YOU AND TO SMELL YOU. >> LIKEWISE.
I LOVE BEING HERE. THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME BACK.
AND IT'S GREAT TO MEET YOUR TRULY--
>> VERY NICE TO MEET YOU. >> Stephen: "VENGEANCE" IS IN
THEATERS TOMORROW. B.J. NOVAK, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
SPECIAL THANKS TO ST. VINCENT. GOOD NIGHT.