1 00:00:02,001 --> 00:00:05,205 CONFUSION COMES COURTESY OF DONALD TRUMP WHO MADE A 2 00:00:05,271 --> 00:00:09,876 DELIBERATELY VAGUE-- QUOTE, UNQUOTE-- ENDORSEMENT ON MONDAY. 3 00:00:09,943 --> 00:00:11,244 >> HE SENT AN EMAIL LAST NIGHT SAYING HE WAS ENDORSING ERIC, NO 4 00:00:11,311 --> 00:00:16,149 LAST NAME PROVIDED. THE PROBLEM: TWO OF THE THREE 5 00:00:16,216 --> 00:00:17,984 SERIOUS CANDIDATES IN THE RACE ARE NAMED ERIC. 6 00:00:18,051 --> 00:00:20,353 NOW BOTH ERICS ARE SAYING THE FORMER PRESIDENT IS SUPPORTING 7 00:00:20,420 --> 00:00:22,422 THEM. 8 00:00:26,059 --> 00:00:29,195 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> I AM HONORED TO ENDORSE THE 9 00:00:29,262 --> 00:00:32,799 TREMENDOUS MAN. HE'S TOUGH, HE'S STRONG, HE'S A 10 00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:35,168 HUMAN BEING. THIS GUY HAS TWO LEGS, AND HE 11 00:00:35,235 --> 00:00:38,071 BREATHES OXYGEN. HE'S FROM A PLACE CALLED THE 12 00:00:38,138 --> 00:00:43,576 PLANET EARTH. AND HIS NAME IS PERSON. 13 00:00:43,643 --> 00:00:46,146 A VOTE FOR PERSON IS A VOTE FOR HIS POLICIES. 14 00:00:46,212 --> 00:00:49,983 DON'T VOTE FOR A WALL STREET SELLOUT LIKE THE OTHER PERSON. 15 00:00:50,049 --> 00:00:53,253 THEY ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON. I'M DOING THIS BECAUSE WHICHEVER 16 00:00:53,319 --> 00:00:57,290 ONE WINS, NO MATTER WHO IT IS, NO MATTER WHO THEY ARE, I'M 17 00:00:57,357 --> 00:00:59,092 GOING TO SAY, "I TOLD YOU SO." ( IN DISTORTED VOICE ) 18 00:00:59,159 --> 00:01:06,933 >> I'M PERSON AND I APPROVED THIS MESSAGE. 19 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:12,972 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE 20 00:01:13,039 --> 00:01:17,110 SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." TONIGHT: 21 00:01:17,177 --> 00:01:22,982 OH, NO SHE DIDN'T. PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: 22 00:01:23,049 --> 00:01:25,952 "POD SAVE AMERICA." AND COMEDIAN BIANCA CRISTOVAO 23 00:01:26,019 --> 00:01:28,188 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 24 00:01:28,254 --> 00:01:31,491 WITH SPECIAL GUEST JAMES TAYLOR. AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE 25 00:01:31,558 --> 00:01:36,229 ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 26 00:01:36,296 --> 00:01:39,532 ♪ ♪ ♪ 27 00:01:39,599 --> 00:01:54,481 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU. 28 00:01:54,547 --> 00:01:55,949 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU. 29 00:01:56,015 --> 00:01:57,383 GOOD TO SEE YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH. 30 00:01:57,450 --> 00:02:03,923 THANK YOU, JAMES. WHAT'S UP, JOHN. 31 00:02:03,990 --> 00:02:05,525 LOUIS. HAPPY TUESDAY. 32 00:02:05,592 --> 00:02:07,126 WELCOME, EVERYBODY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 33 00:02:07,193 --> 00:02:10,563 DOWN HERE, UP THERE. PLEASE HAVE A SEAT. 34 00:02:10,630 --> 00:02:13,766 WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 35 00:02:13,833 --> 00:02:16,035 I JUST WANT TO START OFF TONIGHT-- 36 00:02:16,102 --> 00:02:22,575 ( APPLAUSE ) A QUICK CONGRATULATIONS TO 37 00:02:22,642 --> 00:02:25,979 THE PEOPLE HERE IN THE THEATER, BUT ESPECIALLY THE PEOPLE AT 38 00:02:26,045 --> 00:02:28,248 HOME, BECAUSE IF WE'RE BEING BROADCAST RIGHT NOW AT 11:35 39 00:02:28,314 --> 00:02:32,952 EASTERN TIME, THAT MEANS WE'RE NOT AT WAR WITH CHINA. 40 00:02:33,019 --> 00:02:38,591 I'M A BIG FAN OF ME, BUT I FEEL LIKE I MIGHT BE PREEMPTED IF 41 00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:44,531 THAT WAS HAPPENING. HERE'S WHY I BRING IT UP: 42 00:02:44,597 --> 00:02:47,534 TENSIONS HAVE BEEN RISING BETWEEN THE U.S. AND CHINA EVER 43 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:50,570 SINCE THE CHINESE LEARNED THAT SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI WAS 44 00:02:50,637 --> 00:02:52,939 PLANNING A TRIP TO TAIWAN, WHICH WOULD CALL INTO QUESTION 45 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,340 AMERICA'S "ONE CHINA" POLICY THAT ACKNOWLEDGES THAT TAIWAN IS 46 00:02:54,407 --> 00:02:57,410 PART OF CHINA, BUT NOT REALLY. THE THREATS FROM THE CHINESE 47 00:02:57,477 --> 00:03:00,847 GOVERNMENT HAVE NOT BEEN SUBTLE. LAST WEEK, THE CHINESE WARNED 48 00:03:00,914 --> 00:03:05,618 THAT "THOSE WHO PLAY WITH FIRE WILL PERISH BY IT." 49 00:03:05,685 --> 00:03:08,788 HAVE YOU SEEN CALIFORNIA? ( LAUGHTER ) 50 00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:13,660 ONCE WAS, CHINA. THE CHINESE CONTINUE TO RATTLE 51 00:03:13,726 --> 00:03:17,130 THEIR FLAMING SABER, WARNING, "THE VISIT WOULD TRIGGER SEVERE 52 00:03:17,196 --> 00:03:19,899 CONSEQUENCES," AND WARNED THAT THEIR MILITARY WON'T SIT BY 53 00:03:19,966 --> 00:03:22,569 IDLY, WITH THEIR GOVERNMENT EXPLAINING, "NO MATTER FOR WHAT 54 00:03:22,635 --> 00:03:26,573 REASON PELOSI GOES TO TAIWAN, IT WILL BE A STUPID, DANGEROUS, AND 55 00:03:26,639 --> 00:03:31,978 UNNECESSARY GAMBLE." THAT'S OMINOUS. 56 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:34,213 ALSO A PERFECT SLOGAN FOR WHITE CASTLE. 57 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,316 ( LAUGHTER ) THE CHINESE-- I COULD GO FOR-- I 58 00:03:36,382 --> 00:03:42,589 COULD GO FOR A LITTLE-- THIS TIME OF NIGHT, I COULD GO FOR A 59 00:03:42,655 --> 00:03:45,158 LITTLE SOMETHING. THE CHINESE HAVE ALSO CONDUCTED 60 00:03:45,224 --> 00:03:47,827 LIVE FIRE DRILLS IN THE SOUTH CHINA SEA AND SCRAMBLED JETS AS 61 00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:55,635 HER PLANE LANDED IN TAIWAN. ALL OF THIS FOR AN 82-YEAR-OLD 62 00:03:55,702 --> 00:03:57,370 WOMAN WITH BONES MADE OF PEANUT BRITTLE. 63 00:03:57,437 --> 00:03:59,839 TENSIONS ARE SO BAD THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT HAS UPGRADED ITS 64 00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:05,445 READINESS TO "DEFCON MEE-MAW." ( LAUGHTER ) 65 00:04:05,511 --> 00:04:09,549 YOU SHOULD CALL MORE. YOU SHOULD CALL MORE. 66 00:04:09,616 --> 00:04:11,918 >> Stephen: I THINK WE GET THE IDEA. 67 00:04:11,985 --> 00:04:13,152 DESPITE-- ( APPLAUSE ) 68 00:04:13,219 --> 00:04:20,059 >> Stephen: DESPITE ALL THE THREATS, SPEAKER PELOSI DID NOT 69 00:04:20,126 --> 00:04:22,362 BACK DOWN. THIS MORNING, SHE AND HER 70 00:04:22,428 --> 00:04:23,830 CONGRESSIONAL DELEGATION LANDED SAFELY IN TAIWAN. 71 00:04:23,896 --> 00:04:26,933 WHICH IS GREAT, BECAUSE JUST BEFORE SHE LANDED, CHINA'S 72 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:31,771 FOREIGN MINISTER WARNED YET AGAIN, U.S. POLITICIANS WHO 73 00:04:31,838 --> 00:04:34,574 "PLAY WITH FIRE" ON THE TAIWAN ISSUE WILL "COME TO NO 74 00:04:34,641 --> 00:04:38,578 GOOD END." "COME TO NO GOOD END." 75 00:04:38,645 --> 00:04:41,848 THAT THREAT STARTED OUT VERY SCARY AND ENDED UP BEING VERY 76 00:04:41,914 --> 00:04:46,285 VAGUE. ( LAUGHTER ) 77 00:04:46,352 --> 00:04:52,992 BULL, YOU GET THE GENERAL BADNESS THAT HAPPENS POST-BULL 78 00:04:53,059 --> 00:04:55,361 MESSING." ( LAUGHTER ) 79 00:04:55,428 --> 00:05:00,333 IF HUMANITY CONTINUES TO EXIST. SPEAKING OF PAYBACKS, LAST NIGHT 80 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:05,304 PRESIDENT BIDEN ANNOUNCED THAT A U.S. DRONE STRIKE IN KABUL 81 00:05:05,371 --> 00:05:10,576 KILLED THE TOP AL QAEDA LEADER, AYMAN AL-ZAWAHIRI. 82 00:05:10,643 --> 00:05:16,616 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE GOT THE GUY BEHIND THE GUY 83 00:05:16,683 --> 00:05:18,251 BEHIND 9-11! WE HAVEN'T HAD A WIN LIKE THIS 84 00:05:18,317 --> 00:05:22,288 SINCE WE GOT BIN LADEN 11 YEARS AGO. 85 00:05:22,355 --> 00:05:26,592 SO, PLAY ON SOME L.M.F.A.O. ON MY SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT iPHONE AND 86 00:05:26,659 --> 00:05:29,629 THROW "THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO" ON THE BLU-RAY, BECAUSE 87 00:05:29,696 --> 00:05:30,697 I'M PARTYING LIKE IT'S 2011! #WINNING! 88 00:05:30,763 --> 00:05:34,567 BEYONCE'S PREGNANT! I HOPE I GET TO HOST "THE LATE 89 00:05:34,634 --> 00:05:38,571 SHOW" ONE DAY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 90 00:05:38,638 --> 00:05:52,585 NOT HAPPEN OVERNIGHT. IT'S THE RESULT OF A 21-YEAR 91 00:05:52,652 --> 00:05:53,653 MANHUNT. AND IN THOSE 21 YEARS, NO ONE IN 92 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,222 THE MEDIA LEARNED HOW TO PRONOUNCE HIS NAME: 93 00:05:56,289 --> 00:05:58,591 >> AYMAN AL-ZA-WAH-HEAR-EE. >> AL-ZAW-A-HEE. 94 00:05:58,658 --> 00:06:00,126 >> AYMAN AL-ZA-WUR-EE. >> AYMAN AL-ZAW-AR-HI. 95 00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:02,562 >> AL-ZAW-AH-HIR-I. >> ZA-WA-HEAR-EE. 96 00:06:02,628 --> 00:06:05,832 >> AYMAN AL-ZA-WAH-REE. >> AYWIN-- AYMAN AL-ZAW-EE-- 97 00:06:05,898 --> 00:06:12,205 ZA-WAY-- ZAW-A-HIR-I. >> Stephen: JUST CALL HIM "AYMAN 98 00:06:12,271 --> 00:06:22,081 AL-ZAWA-HEY, BIG GUY!" SO HOW DID WE GET THIS GUY? 99 00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:23,850 BLOW HIM UP REAL GOOD? SEAL TEAM 7? 100 00:06:23,916 --> 00:06:25,551 NOPE. REPORTEDLY, THE C.I.A. TARGETED 101 00:06:25,618 --> 00:06:26,886 HIM WITH A DRONE STRIKE WHILE HE WAS ON THE BALCONY OF HIS HOUSE 102 00:06:26,953 --> 00:06:29,422 AT 6:18 A.M. ON SUNDAY. THAT'S SO EARLY. 103 00:06:29,489 --> 00:06:30,523 HE WAS DRINKING FROM A MUG THAT SAID, "DON'T TALK TO ME 104 00:06:30,590 --> 00:06:34,594 UNTIL I'VE HAD MY HELLFIRE MISSILE." 105 00:06:34,660 --> 00:06:38,564 ( LAUGHTER ) MISSILE. 106 00:06:38,631 --> 00:06:41,834 IT LOOKS LIKE AL-ZAWAHRI WAS TAKEN OUT BY A HELLFIRE RX9 107 00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:46,072 MISSILE, WHICH IS UNIQUE FOR NOT HAVING ANY EXPLOSIVE 108 00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:53,246 MATERIAL. OKAY, THAT SOUNDS HUMANE. 109 00:06:53,312 --> 00:06:54,580 WHAT DOES IT DO? EVIDENTLY, RIGHT BEFORE IT 110 00:06:54,647 --> 00:06:56,582 REACHES YOU, IT DEPLOYS SIX RETRACTABLE BLADES, EARNING 111 00:06:56,649 --> 00:07:00,720 IT THE NICKNAME THE "FLYING GINSU." 112 00:07:00,787 --> 00:07:02,588 AL-ZAWAHIRI DID NOT SURVIVE, BUT THE POTATO HE WAS HOLDING... 113 00:07:02,655 --> 00:07:04,323 JULIENNE FRIES. ( APPLAUSE ) 114 00:07:04,390 --> 00:07:10,997 THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME OUR GOVERNMENT'S USED AS-SEEN-ON-TV 115 00:07:11,063 --> 00:07:14,567 TECHNOLOGY TO THWART OUR FOES. I MEAN, IF YOU'VE SEEN "ZERO 116 00:07:14,634 --> 00:07:17,837 DARK THIRTY," THEN YOU KNOW OUR BOYS GOT BIN LADEN WITH A SLAP 117 00:07:17,904 --> 00:07:22,542 CHOP. PRESIDENT BIDEN CONFIRMED THE 118 00:07:22,608 --> 00:07:26,579 STRIKE IN A SPECIAL TV ANNOUNCEMENT LAST NIGHT AND 119 00:07:26,646 --> 00:07:30,016 HE MADE IT CLEAR HOW METICULOUSLY IT WAS PLANNED: 120 00:07:30,082 --> 00:07:32,518 >> THIS MISSION WAS CAREFULLY PLANNED TO RIGOROUSLY MINIMIZE 121 00:07:32,585 --> 00:07:33,953 THE RISK OF HARM TO OTHER CIVILIANS. 122 00:07:34,020 --> 00:07:37,690 NONE OF HIS FAMILY MEMBERS WERE HURT. 123 00:07:37,757 --> 00:07:42,595 AND THERE WERE NO CIVILIAN CASUALTIES. 124 00:07:42,662 --> 00:07:43,963 >> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S COOL, BUT SHOULDN'T THAT BE A GOAL OF 125 00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:49,769 ALL MILITARY OPERATIONS? ( APPLAUSE ) 126 00:07:49,836 --> 00:07:53,372 "THE SURGERY WAS A TOTAL SUCCESS, MR. JOHNSON. 127 00:07:53,439 --> 00:07:54,540 WE REMOVED YOUR APPENDIX WITHOUT STABBING ANY OF THE NEARBY 128 00:07:54,607 --> 00:07:59,946 NURSES." ( LAUGHTER ) 129 00:08:00,012 --> 00:08:06,052 ON MINIMIZING RISK THAT BEFORE THE STRIKE, HE HAD A 130 00:08:06,118 --> 00:08:08,554 SCALE MODEL OF ZAWAHIRI'S HOUSE PLACED INSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE 131 00:08:08,621 --> 00:08:11,824 SITUATION ROOM SO HE COULD EXAMINE IT. 132 00:08:11,891 --> 00:08:14,560 IT'S NICE WHEN A PRESIDENT SAYS "BRING ME A MODEL," AND HE 133 00:08:14,627 --> 00:08:16,662 DOESN'T MEAN A NEW WIFE. ( LAUGHTER ) 134 00:08:16,729 --> 00:08:26,572 ♪ ♪ ♪ THANK YOU FOR COMING WITH ME ON 135 00:08:26,639 --> 00:08:30,409 THAT. GETTING ONE OF THE MASTERMINDS 136 00:08:30,476 --> 00:08:34,146 OF 9/11 IS A HUGE ACHIEVEMENT FOR THE PRESIDENT. 137 00:08:34,213 --> 00:08:35,848 AND KEEP IN MIND, THE WHOLE THING HAPPENED WHILE HE WAS 138 00:08:35,915 --> 00:08:39,218 ISOLATING DUE TO COVID-19. WHICH MEANS THAT UNLIKE THE BIN 139 00:08:39,285 --> 00:08:41,854 LADEN STRIKE, THIS TIME, THE SITUATION ROOM WAS A LITTLE LESS 140 00:08:41,921 --> 00:08:47,827 CROWDED. ( LAUGHTER ) 141 00:08:47,894 --> 00:08:53,833 STATES HELD PRIMARIES: ARIZONA, MICHIGAN, MISSOURI, KANSAS, AND 142 00:08:53,900 --> 00:08:57,670 WASHINGTON. WE TAPED TONIGHT'S SHOW, LET'S 143 00:08:57,737 --> 00:09:01,507 SAY EARLIER. SO WE DON'T HAVE ANY OF THE 144 00:09:01,574 --> 00:09:02,708 RESULTS. YOU'RE WELCOME. 145 00:09:02,775 --> 00:09:06,579 WE DON'T KNOW WHO WON, BUT IN THIS YEAR'S G.O.P. PRIMARIES, 146 00:09:06,646 --> 00:09:10,583 IT'S SAFE TO SAY, SOME CRAZY ( BLEEP ). 147 00:09:10,650 --> 00:09:17,823 ( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 148 00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:23,829 THE EVENING WAS THE MISSOURI SENATE PRIMARY BETWEEN TWO 149 00:09:23,896 --> 00:09:33,072 EQUALLY FERVANT ELECTION DENIERS. 150 00:09:33,139 --> 00:09:34,573 STATE ATTORNEY GENERAL AND FURNITURE SALESMAN WHO COMES 151 00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:36,242 WITH THE CHAIR, ERIC SCHMITT; AND FORMER MISSOURI GOVERNOR AND 152 00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:38,577 THE LAST FACE YOU SEE BEFORE YOU DIE, ERIC GREITENS. 153 00:09:38,644 --> 00:09:40,613 BOTH OF THESE GUYS ARE MAGA CANDIDATES, AND BOTH WANTED THE 154 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:44,650 ENDORSEMENT OF FORMER PRESIDENT TRAITOR TOT. 155 00:09:44,717 --> 00:09:47,820 ESTABLISHMENT REPUBLICANS DESPERATELY WANTED THE FORMER 156 00:09:47,887 --> 00:09:52,091 PRESIDENT TO ENDORSE ERIC SCHMITT BECAUSE, "A," HE WAS 157 00:09:52,158 --> 00:09:53,926 LEADING IN THE POLLS. AND "B," ERIC GREITENS RESIGNED 158 00:09:53,993 --> 00:09:58,431 FROM THE GOVERNORSHIP IN DISGRACE AFTER SERIOUS 159 00:09:58,497 --> 00:10:02,568 SEXUAL ASSAULT ALLEGATIONS. IN FACT, HE'S GOT SO MUCH 160 00:10:02,635 --> 00:10:04,870 BAGGAGE, THAT MISSOURI REPUBLICANS ARE RUNNING ATTACK 161 00:10:04,937 --> 00:10:06,572 ADS AGAINST GREITENS, THEIR OWN CANDIDATE, IN AN ATTEMPT TO 162 00:10:06,639 --> 00:10:09,175 SECURE THE NOMINATION FOR A LESS-CONTROVERSIAL REPUBLICAN 163 00:10:09,241 --> 00:10:11,844 CANDIDATE. YIKERS. 164 00:10:11,911 --> 00:10:16,849 HOW AWFUL DO YOU HAVE TO BE THESE DAYS TO BE CUT LOOSE BY 165 00:10:16,916 --> 00:10:18,117 THE REPUBLICANS? IT'S LIKE BEING TOLD YOU'RE TOO 166 00:10:18,184 --> 00:10:23,189 INSANE FOR THE MANSON FAMILY: "I HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU, MAN. 167 00:10:23,255 --> 00:10:26,258 CHARLIE THINKS YOU'RE MAKIN' US LOOK BAD. 168 00:10:26,325 --> 00:10:28,627 HELTER SORRY." ( LAUGHTER ) 169 00:10:28,694 --> 00:10:33,966 YESTERDAY MORNING, THE FORMER PRESIDENT HAD TO DECIDE ON WHO 170 00:10:34,033 --> 00:10:35,835 TO ENDORSE. ON ONE SIDE, ARGUING IN FAVOR OF 171 00:10:35,901 --> 00:10:38,537 ERIC SCHMITT, WERE PEOPLE LIKE R.N.C. CHAIR RONNA ROMNEY 172 00:10:38,604 --> 00:10:39,905 McDANIEL. THOSE FOLKS WERE OPPOSED BY 173 00:10:39,972 --> 00:10:45,478 FUTURE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW AND "REAL HOUSEWIFE OF JANUARY 6," 174 00:10:45,544 --> 00:10:47,847 KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE. AFTER FACING PRESSURE FROM ALL 175 00:10:47,913 --> 00:10:53,419 SIDES, THE FORMER PRESIDENT TOOK A BOLD STAND ON "TRUTH SOCIAL," 176 00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:57,323 TYPING, "I TRUST THE GREAT PEOPLE OF MISSOURI ON THIS 177 00:10:57,390 --> 00:10:59,859 ONE TO MAKE UP THEIR OWN MINDS, MUCH AS THEY DID WHEN THEY GAVE 178 00:10:59,925 --> 00:11:02,561 ME LANDSLIDE VICTORIES IN THE 2016 AND 2020 ELECTIONS. 179 00:11:02,628 --> 00:11:07,967 AND I AM, THEREFORE, PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT ERIC HAS MY 180 00:11:08,034 --> 00:11:14,573 COMPLETE AND TOTAL ENDORSEMENT!" OH, OH, HOW CLEVER. 181 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:17,843 BRAVO ( APPLAUSE ) 182 00:11:17,910 --> 00:11:23,849 IT TO BOTH OF THEM, JUST LIKE HIS MARRIAGE VOWS: 183 00:11:23,916 --> 00:11:26,052 "THEREFORE, I DO SOLEMNLY PLEDGE MY COMPLETE AND TOTAL LOYALTY TO 184 00:11:26,118 --> 00:11:29,855 'WOMAN.'" ( LAUGHTER ) 185 00:11:29,922 --> 00:11:35,828 PRESIDENT MEANT THEM, SO BOTH MEN THANKED THE FORMER PRESIDENT 186 00:11:35,895 --> 00:11:38,631 FOR THE ENDORSEMENT. OKAY, BUT HE COULD HAVE BEEN 187 00:11:38,697 --> 00:11:41,834 ENDORSING ANY ERIC, EXCEPT ONE: 188 00:11:41,901 --> 00:11:46,472 ( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 189 00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:47,840 TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE THE HOSTS OF "POD 190 00:11:47,907 --> 00:11:51,177 SAVE AMERICA." BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I GIVE 191 00:11:51,243 --> 00:11:53,245 YOU THE LATEST ON THE HOT NEW TELEVISION TRENDS. 192 00:12:47,032 --> 00:12:49,034 >> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND THE BAND, 193 00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:05,818 THERE YOU GO. JAMES, JAMES TAYLOR, SO LOVELY 194 00:13:05,885 --> 00:13:06,886 TO HAVE YOU AGAIN HERE TONIGHT. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US 195 00:13:06,952 --> 00:13:06,986 AND JOINING THE BAND. ISN'T JAMES TAYLOR AMAZING, 196 00:13:13,993 --> 00:13:16,462 JUMPING IN HERE, A COUPLE OF QUICK QUESTIONS. 197 00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:18,931 WE'RE IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER, BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING 198 00:13:18,998 --> 00:13:21,467 SPACE, STORIED. DID YOUR CAREER OVERLAP WITH THE 199 00:13:21,534 --> 00:13:24,503 SULLIVAN SHOW? DID YOU EVER PERMANENT ON THE 200 00:13:24,570 --> 00:13:29,175 STAGE FOR MR. SULLIVAN? >> NO, I NEVER MADE THE "ED 201 00:13:29,241 --> 00:13:31,243 SULLIVAN SHOW," I JUST MISSED THAT. 202 00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:33,345 >> Stephen: HOW DO YOU FEEL SITTING IN WITH THE BAND THIS 203 00:13:33,412 --> 00:13:34,580 WEEK? >> THIS HAS BEEN SUCH A GREAT 204 00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:37,783 COUPLE OF DAYS. IT'S FANTASTIC. 205 00:13:37,850 --> 00:13:39,251 THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU SO MUCH. 206 00:13:39,318 --> 00:13:41,086 >> Stephen: THANK YOU. DON'T THANK ME. 207 00:13:41,153 --> 00:13:44,857 >> FOR INVITING ME ON. NO, NO, THANK YOU. 208 00:13:44,924 --> 00:13:50,829 NO, NO. ( APPLAUSE ) 209 00:13:50,896 --> 00:13:56,402 WHAT IT'S LIKE JUST TO JUMP IN. I LIKE SINGING AND PLAY A LITTLE 210 00:13:56,468 --> 00:13:58,804 BIT BUT I DON'T READ SHEET MUSIC. 211 00:13:58,871 --> 00:14:02,641 WHAT IS IT LIKE FOR YOU GUYS -- DO YOU LAY OUT CHARTS FOR THE 212 00:14:02,708 --> 00:14:04,510 GUESTS, LOUIS? HOW DO YOU DO THIS? 213 00:14:04,577 --> 00:14:07,680 >> Louis: IT'S A BIT OF A MIX. SOME OF HIS SONGS ARE SO 214 00:14:07,746 --> 00:14:10,182 FAMILIAR EVERYONE KIND OF KNOWS THEM ALREADY. 215 00:14:10,249 --> 00:14:13,018 AND SOME WITH MORE SPECIFIC PARTS WE'RE MAKING NOTES AND 216 00:14:13,085 --> 00:14:15,754 CHARTS. WE HAVE IT LAID OUT ON iPADS 217 00:14:15,821 --> 00:14:18,257 AND PAPERS AND CHICKEN SCRATCH. ( LAUGHTER ). 218 00:14:18,324 --> 00:14:21,293 UNDERSTAND YOU DON'T READ SHEET MUSIC. 219 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:25,030 >> NO, I NEVER LEARNED TO READ MUSIC WELL. 220 00:14:25,097 --> 00:14:29,034 BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S-- I FIND A WAY TO COMMUNICATE. 221 00:14:29,101 --> 00:14:31,770 LARRY GOLDINGS CAME WITH ME FROM JUST BEING OUT -- 222 00:14:31,837 --> 00:14:35,274 >> Stephen: LARRY GOLDINGS, EVERYBODY. 223 00:14:35,341 --> 00:14:40,646 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SO YOU DON'T READ 224 00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:44,416 SHEET MUSIC, BUT YOU HAVE PLAYED WITH SYMPHONIES AND STUFF LIKE 225 00:14:44,483 --> 00:14:46,952 THAT. HOW DO YOU LA-DEE-DA YOUR WAY 226 00:14:47,019 --> 00:14:49,388 WITH THE BOSTON POPS? >> IT'S EXACTLY THAT. 227 00:14:49,455 --> 00:14:52,524 IT'S JUST ALL SMOKE AND MIRRORS. >> Stephen: YOU'VE BEEN FAKING 228 00:14:52,591 --> 00:14:55,027 IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT FOR THE LAST 50 YEARS? 229 00:14:55,094 --> 00:14:58,063 >> NOW THE CAT'S OUT OF THE BAG, SO... 230 00:14:58,130 --> 00:14:59,698 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WELL THANKS SO 231 00:14:59,765 --> 00:15:02,901 MUCH AGAIN FOR BEING HERE. >> THANK YOU. 232 00:15:02,968 --> 00:15:05,671 >> Stephen: IN JUST A MOMENT-- ( APPLAUSE ) 233 00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:11,710 FELLAS FROM "POD SAVE AMERICA" WILL BE OUT HERE IN JUST A 234 00:15:11,777 --> 00:15:12,511 MOMENT. >> Louis: YEAH. 235 00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:15,781 >> Stephen: STICK AROUND FOR THAT. 236 00:15:15,848 --> 00:15:19,018 FOLKS, ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME KNOWS I LOVE TV. 237 00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:23,022 I LOVE IT SO MUCH, I'M INSIDE OF ONE RIGHT NOW WORKING REALLY 238 00:15:23,088 --> 00:15:25,024 HARD SO I CAN AFFORD AN EVEN BETTER TV. 239 00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:27,826 SO I LIKE TO STAY ON TOP OF THE LATEST TELEVISION TRENDS. 240 00:15:27,893 --> 00:15:31,764 AND RIGHT NOW THE BIGGEST THING ON TV IS THE INTERNET-- 241 00:15:31,830 --> 00:15:38,937 SPECIFICALLY, SHOWS ABOUT THE RISE AND FALL OF BIG-TECH 242 00:15:39,004 --> 00:15:40,306 FOUNDERS. WE LOVE WATCHING THE SOARING 243 00:15:40,372 --> 00:15:41,540 HIGHS AND TRAGIC LOWS OF TECH BILLIONAIRES. 244 00:15:41,607 --> 00:15:43,042 THE ONLY OTHER PLACE YOU CAN WATCH THAT IS ELON'S TWITTER 245 00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:45,010 FEED. ( LAUGHTER ) 246 00:15:45,077 --> 00:15:55,020 OUT THERE. LIKE THE MINISERIES, "SUPER 247 00:15:55,087 --> 00:16:01,894 PUMPED: THE BATTLE FOR UBER." WHICH FOLLOWS 248 00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:03,529 UBER FOUNDER TRAVIS KALANICK AS HE TURNED HIS RIDE-SHARING 249 00:16:03,595 --> 00:16:05,064 START-UP INTO A MULTIBILLION-DOLLAR COMPANY, 250 00:16:05,130 --> 00:16:06,832 AND EVENTUALLY RESIGNED AS C.E.O. AFTER MULTIPLE 251 00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:07,766 CONTROVERSIES. MOST HUMILIATING OF ALL, AFTER 252 00:16:07,833 --> 00:16:10,102 HE RESIGNED, HE HAD TO TAKE A LYFT HOME. 253 00:16:10,169 --> 00:16:15,541 TAKE A LOOK AT THIS ACTUAL DRAMATIC TRAILER. 254 00:16:15,607 --> 00:16:16,809 >> I'M TRAVIS KALINICK, AND I WILL NEVER BACK DOWN FROM A 255 00:16:16,875 --> 00:16:19,345 FIGHT. >> YOU KNOW YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY 256 00:16:19,411 --> 00:16:21,246 UP WHEN THEY SLAP A TARGET ON YOUR BACK. 257 00:16:21,313 --> 00:16:25,017 >> WHO'S READY TO CONQUER THE WORLD?! 258 00:16:25,084 --> 00:16:31,023 >> C'MON. >> YOU NEED TO START LISTENING 259 00:16:31,090 --> 00:16:35,761 TO THE PEOPLE WHO BUILT THIS COMPANY. 260 00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:46,638 >> I AM THE COMPANY! >> Stephen: YELLING "I AM THE 261 00:16:46,705 --> 00:16:48,107 COMPANY" IS SO TACKY. THE CLASSY WAY IS SIMPLY TO 262 00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:49,375 MOUNT YOUR NAME IN LIGHTS TEN STORIES TALL ON THE OUTSIDE OF A 263 00:16:49,441 --> 00:16:51,777 BUILDING. OKAY? 264 00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:58,450 ( APPLAUSE ) CLEARLY AMERICA IS HUNGRY FOR 265 00:16:58,517 --> 00:17:07,025 STORIES OF EGOTISTICAL, OUT-OF-CONTROL TECH COMPANIES 266 00:17:07,092 --> 00:17:08,994 BUT, SADLY, WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF FAILED STARTUPS TO MAKE SHOWS 267 00:17:09,061 --> 00:17:10,229 ABOUT. THANKFULLY, THAT HASN'T STOPPED 268 00:17:10,295 --> 00:17:11,764 US HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW" FROM MAKING A HIGH-OCTANE LIMITED 269 00:17:11,830 --> 00:17:12,998 SERIES ABOUT ONE OF SILICON VALLEY'S MOST ICONIC 270 00:17:13,065 --> 00:17:14,967 DISRUPTORS. JIM? 271 00:17:15,033 --> 00:17:18,036 >> WHAT DO YOU THINK OF WHEN I SAY "CLOCKS? 272 00:17:18,103 --> 00:17:23,809 >> I DON'T KNOW. TIME? 273 00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:24,810 MINUTES? >> SNOOZE. 274 00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:34,953 >> NOT ANYMORE. >> THAT WAS AN HA HARDZ LOOM. 275 00:17:35,020 --> 00:17:42,828 WHAT IF I TOLD YOU I COULD PUT THIS INSIDE OF THIS? 276 00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:51,403 >> YOU JUST GOT YOURSELF $100 BILLION. 277 00:17:51,470 --> 00:17:58,143 >> CLOCK'OR iPHONE? THE DAYS OF CARRYING AROUND A 278 00:17:58,210 --> 00:18:00,045 GRANDFATHER CLOCK ON YOUR BACK ARE OVER. 279 00:18:00,112 --> 00:18:02,614 >> WE SHOULD REALLY MAKE MORE TIME FOR US. 280 00:18:02,681 --> 00:18:06,985 >> I'M MAKING TIME FOR EVERYONE. >> THAT IS WHY MY FOUNDATION IS 281 00:18:07,052 --> 00:18:11,223 SENDING VOUCHERS FOR FREE APP DOWNLOADS TO UNDERPRIVILEGED 282 00:18:11,290 --> 00:18:14,726 CHILDREN WITHOUT iPHONES. >> WHAT ABOUT REPORTS YOU'RE 283 00:18:14,793 --> 00:18:17,696 TRYING TO BUY BIG BEN AND REPLACE IT WITH YOUR LOGO? 284 00:18:17,763 --> 00:18:25,037 >> NO COMMENT. >> THIS IS THE HOUSE THAT CLOCK 285 00:18:25,103 --> 00:18:31,043 BUILT! >> WOOOH! 286 00:18:31,109 --> 00:18:34,513 ( ALARM RINGING ) >> WE HAVE A PROBLEM. 287 00:18:34,580 --> 00:18:37,015 USERSHIP IS DOWN. PEOPLE ARE JUST LOOKING AT THEIR 288 00:18:37,082 --> 00:18:39,551 LOCK SCREEN OR THE UPPER LEFT-HAND CORNER OF THE PHONE. 289 00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:43,589 >> I'LL HANDLE IT. >> THE F.B.I. IS HERE TO SEE 290 00:18:43,655 --> 00:18:45,724 YOU. >> WE HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE 291 00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:51,163 YOUR CLOCK APP IS ILLEGALLY HARVESTING PEOPLE'S SNOOZE 292 00:18:51,230 --> 00:18:53,899 HABITS. >> WE ARE ON TRACK TO LOSE 68 293 00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:55,834 BILLION THIS QUARTER. JUST FIX IT! 294 00:18:55,901 --> 00:18:59,605 WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME! >> I AM TIME! 295 00:18:59,671 --> 00:19:03,141 >> YOU'VE CHANGED. >> NO. 296 00:19:03,208 --> 00:19:06,578 TIMES ARE CHANGING. YOU KNOW, BECAUSE IT'S CLOCKS. 297 00:19:06,645 --> 00:19:12,885 >> YEAH, YEAH, I GET IT. >> WHY WON'T YOU LET THIS GO? 298 00:19:12,951 --> 00:19:19,024 >> EVERYONE HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW IF IT'S 5:00 P.M. IN COUPER 299 00:19:19,091 --> 00:19:25,030 TINO. >> HICKORY, DICKERY, DOCK, I AM 300 00:19:25,097 --> 00:19:29,668 THE ( BLEEP ) CLOCK. ( APPLAUSE ) 301 00:19:29,735 --> 00:19:33,972 TICK-TOCK? >> WHAT? 302 00:19:34,039 --> 00:19:43,782 NO ONE'S EVER GOING TO USE AN APP CALLED TICK-TOCK? 303 00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:46,919 >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE HOSTS OF "POD SAVE 304 00:19:46,985 --> 00:19:48,987 AMERICA." IS 305 00:20:13,011 --> 00:20:16,915 >> Stephen: JAMES TAYLOR, EVERYBODY! 306 00:20:16,982 --> 00:20:25,357 ( APPLAUSE ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY GUESTS 307 00:20:25,424 --> 00:20:31,930 TONIGHT ARE THE FOUNDERS OF "CROOKED MEDIA" AND HOSTS OF 308 00:20:31,997 --> 00:20:36,935 "POD SAVE AMERICA." PLEASE WELCOME, JON FAVREAU, 309 00:20:37,002 --> 00:20:41,206 JON LOVETT, AND TOMMY VIETOR! ♪ ♪ ♪ 310 00:20:41,273 --> 00:20:50,682 ( APPLAUSE ) HEAT OF THE MEAT HERE. 311 00:20:50,749 --> 00:20:56,588 WE HAVEN'T SEEN YOU GUYS IN PERSON IN WHAAT? 312 00:20:56,655 --> 00:20:59,424 2020, SOMETHING LIKE THAT? >> INAUGURATION, I THINK. 313 00:20:59,491 --> 00:21:01,526 >> Stephen: THANK YOU WHEN YOU CAME ON OVER ZOOM. 314 00:21:01,593 --> 00:21:04,930 THAT WASN'T THE EASIEST THING IN THE WORLD BUT HAPPY TO HAVE YOU 315 00:21:04,997 --> 00:21:08,934 IN PERSON AGAIN. YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN 316 00:21:09,001 --> 00:21:12,904 ANNOUNCED THE KILLING OF THE LAST LIVING MAJOR GUY IN 317 00:21:12,971 --> 00:21:18,477 AL QAEDA THAT WAS AROUND DURING 9/11, AYMAN AL-ZAWAHIRI. 318 00:21:18,543 --> 00:21:24,383 YOU GUYS WORKED AT THE WHITE HOUSE DURING THE BIN LADEN RAID. 319 00:21:24,449 --> 00:21:27,753 WHAT IS IT-- WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE IN THE WHITE HOUSE-- HOW 320 00:21:27,819 --> 00:21:31,023 BIG-- HOW BIG OF AN ANNOUNCEMENT IS THIS? 321 00:21:31,089 --> 00:21:33,659 AND WHAT IS IT LIKE IN THE WHITE HOUSE WHEN YOU KNOW THIS 322 00:21:33,725 --> 00:21:36,795 ANNOUNCEMENT IS COMING? >> THIS IS A HUGE 323 00:21:36,862 --> 00:21:38,430 COUNTERTERRORISM OPERATION. ZAWAHIRI WAS THE FOUNDING MEMBER 324 00:21:38,497 --> 00:21:42,000 OF AL QAEDA. HE FOUNDED IT WITH OSAMA BIN 325 00:21:42,067 --> 00:21:44,936 LADEN. HE PLOTTED THE 9/11 ATTACKS. 326 00:21:45,003 --> 00:21:48,373 HE PLOTTED THE BOMBING OF THE USS "COLE." 327 00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:50,642 >> Stephen: AND WE HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET HIM BEFORE 9/11. 328 00:21:50,709 --> 00:21:55,347 >> HE WAS RELEASING TERRORIST PROPAGANDA AS RECENTLY AS THIS 329 00:21:55,414 --> 00:21:58,283 YEAR. SO FINDING HIM AND BEING ABLE TO 330 00:21:58,350 --> 00:22:00,919 CONDUCT THIS OPERATION IS A BIG COUNTERTERRORISM WIN. 331 00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:05,624 IT'S ALSO AN ENORMOUS MOMENT FOR THE WHITE HOUSE, BECAUSE THEY'RE 332 00:22:05,691 --> 00:22:08,160 SPENDING EVERY WAKING MOMENT LEADING UP TO IT WORRYING ABOUT 333 00:22:08,226 --> 00:22:12,230 IT GOING WELL, WORRYING ABOUT COLLATERAL DAMAGE, MAKING SURE 334 00:22:12,297 --> 00:22:14,166 EVERYONE GETS OUT SAFETY. IT'S PROBABLY A HUGE SENSE OF 335 00:22:14,232 --> 00:22:18,003 RELIEF TODAY. >> I WILL SAY IT'S A LITTLE BIT 336 00:22:18,070 --> 00:22:19,638 SHAMEFUL THAT PRESIDENT BIDEN WOULD DO THIS WHILE HE'S 337 00:22:19,705 --> 00:22:24,910 SUPPOSED TO BE RECOVERING FROM COVID. 338 00:22:24,976 --> 00:22:29,614 IT'S HOUSE CULTURE RUN AMOK. COMMANDER IN CHIEF'S ORDERS. 339 00:22:29,681 --> 00:22:32,050 WHAT ABOUT DOCTOR'S ORDERS? >> Stephen: THAT'S A GOOD 340 00:22:32,117 --> 00:22:34,486 POINT. >> I THOUGHT SO. 341 00:22:34,553 --> 00:22:36,188 >> Stephen: THAT'S A GOOD POINT. 342 00:22:36,254 --> 00:22:38,990 THAT'S A GOOD POINT. A DUMB POINT, BUT A GOOD POINT. 343 00:22:39,057 --> 00:22:40,926 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. >> THANK YOU. 344 00:22:40,992 --> 00:22:49,334 ( APPLAUSE ) ABOUT THE DOHA ACCORDS THAT WERE 345 00:22:49,401 --> 00:22:50,702 PART OF THE WITHDRAWAL FROM AFGHANISTAN LAST YEAR. 346 00:22:50,769 --> 00:22:52,938 >> TOMMY, TAKE THIS ONE. >> Stephen: OKAY, YOU'RE GOING 347 00:22:53,004 --> 00:22:54,539 TO TAKE THIS ONE? >> SURE. 348 00:22:54,606 --> 00:22:58,210 >> Stephen: BECAUSE THE TALIBAN AGREED TO "NOT ALLOW 349 00:22:58,276 --> 00:23:00,912 GROUPS, INCLUDING AL QAEDA, TO USE THE SOIL OF AFGHANISTAN TO 350 00:23:00,979 --> 00:23:04,916 THREATEN SECURITY OF THE UNITED STATES." 351 00:23:04,983 --> 00:23:13,925 SHOCKER: THE TALIBAN LIED TO US. >> YES, THEY DID. 352 00:23:13,992 --> 00:23:17,929 >> Stephen: OKAY, HOW DO YOU INCENTIVIZE COMPLIANCE TO THAT 353 00:23:17,996 --> 00:23:24,336 KIND OF AGREEMENT, OTHER THAN SENDING THE FLYING STEAK KNIVES, 354 00:23:24,402 --> 00:23:27,439 WHICH WE DID? >> I THINK THE KEY POINT HERE IS 355 00:23:27,506 --> 00:23:30,976 PRESIDENT BIDEN WAS RIGHT TO END THE WAR IN AFGHANISTAN AFTER 356 00:23:31,042 --> 00:23:33,011 DECADES. I THINK WHAT THIS-- YOU CAN CLAP 357 00:23:33,078 --> 00:23:35,981 FOR THAT. ( APPLAUSE ) 358 00:23:36,047 --> 00:23:41,920 TRUSTED THE TALIBAN TO LIVE UP TO THEIR COMMITMENTS, NOR SHOULD 359 00:23:41,987 --> 00:23:43,221 WE. BUT WHAT THIS OPERATION SNOWS MY 360 00:23:43,288 --> 00:23:47,025 MIND IS YOU DON'T NEED 100,000 TROOPS IN COUNTRIES ALL AROUND 361 00:23:47,092 --> 00:23:49,227 THE WORLD TO CONDUCT COUNTERTERRORISM OPERATIONS. 362 00:23:49,294 --> 00:23:52,397 AND I THINK THAT'S A GOOD LESSON FOR THE UNITED STATES TO LEARN. 363 00:23:52,464 --> 00:23:56,034 ( APPLAUSE ) ALL RIGHT. 364 00:23:56,101 --> 00:23:59,037 AND ANOTHER FOREIGN POLICY NEWS-- JUST JUMP IN HERE ANY 365 00:23:59,104 --> 00:24:03,441 TIME, YOU GUYS-- IN OTHER FOREIGN POLICY NEWS, SPEAKER 366 00:24:03,508 --> 00:24:09,181 PELOSI LANDED LANDED IN TAIWAN Y FOR A TRIP THAT MILITARY 367 00:24:09,247 --> 00:24:14,986 LEADERS-- NOT ONLY CHINESE MILITARY LEADERS BUT AMERICAN 368 00:24:15,053 --> 00:24:17,689 MILITARY LEADERS SAID WAS NOT A GREAT IDEA FOR HER TO GO. 369 00:24:17,756 --> 00:24:18,924 >> LOOK, I KNOW IT'S A CONTROVERSIAL TRIP, BUT GIVEN 370 00:24:18,990 --> 00:24:21,960 THE WAY HER HUSBAND DRIVES, I THINK IT'S EXCITING WHEN SHE 371 00:24:22,027 --> 00:24:23,595 GETS ANYWHERE, YOU KNOW. >> WOW. 372 00:24:23,662 --> 00:24:24,930 >> Stephen: I READ THE NEWS. >> WOW. 373 00:24:24,996 --> 00:24:27,098 >> Stephen: SOME OF THE AUDIENCE READS THE NEWS AS WELL. 374 00:24:27,165 --> 00:24:30,735 >> I'M SO SORRY. >> HOW DO YOU GUYS FEEL ABOUT 375 00:24:30,802 --> 00:24:31,970 THAT. HE HAD A B.U.I. 376 00:24:32,037 --> 00:24:35,040 IT'S A JOKE ABOUT HIS D.U.I. TOMMY, UP TO THE TAKE THIS ONE. 377 00:24:35,106 --> 00:24:37,209 >> THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE STEPHEN. 378 00:24:37,275 --> 00:24:39,444 >> Stephen: WHY DO YOU THINK SHE WENT ANYWAY? 379 00:24:39,511 --> 00:24:42,013 IF BOTH THE CHINESE SAID DON'T GO AND THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION 380 00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:45,483 WAS SAYING, "PLEASE DON'T GO," WHY DO YOU THINK SHE WENT. 381 00:24:45,550 --> 00:24:49,287 >> NANCY PELOSI HAS BEEN A FIERCE CRITIC OF THE CHINESE 382 00:24:49,354 --> 00:24:52,424 COMMUNIST PARTY'S HUMAN RIGHTS RECORDS. 383 00:24:52,490 --> 00:24:56,061 AND I THINK SHE THOUGHT I'M NOT GOING TO LET THEM TELL ME WHEN 384 00:24:56,127 --> 00:25:00,465 AND WHERE I TRAVEL. ARE THERE RISKS ASSOCIATED WITH 385 00:25:00,532 --> 00:25:02,334 THIS TRIP? YES. 386 00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:05,403 HAVE THE CHINESE RESPONDED IN WAYS THAT INFLAMMATORY AND COULD 387 00:25:05,470 --> 00:25:07,372 THEY DO MORE? YES. 388 00:25:07,439 --> 00:25:09,274 I DON'T WANT TO TELL NANCY WHAT TO DO. 389 00:25:09,341 --> 00:25:11,910 I DON'T HAVE THE STONES TO THAT. DO YOU? 390 00:25:11,977 --> 00:25:15,881 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK, BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I 391 00:25:15,947 --> 00:25:17,916 WILL TALK TO JON FAVREAU, JON LOVETT, AND TOMMY VIETOR ABOUT 392 00:25:17,983 --> 00:25:19,985 THE UPCOMING MIDTERM ELECTIONS. STICK AROUND. 393 00:25:25,991 --> 00:25:29,928 ( APPLAUSE ). WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE HOSTS 394 00:25:29,995 --> 00:25:32,063 OF "POD SAVE AMERICA." JON LOVETT, JON FAVREAU, AND 395 00:25:32,130 --> 00:25:38,069 TOMMY VIETOR. DEMOCRATS ARE FEELING A BIT OF 396 00:25:38,136 --> 00:25:42,774 WHIPLASH OVER THEIR EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT OR LACK THEREOF TO 397 00:25:42,841 --> 00:25:47,445 JOE MARCHON FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS NOW, THEY WEREN'T SURE HOW 398 00:25:47,512 --> 00:25:50,081 TO FEEL ABOUT HIM. AND RECENTLY THEY THOUGHT 399 00:25:50,148 --> 00:25:52,984 ( BLEEP ) THAT GUY BECAUSE HE KILLED THE CLIMATE LEGISLATION 400 00:25:53,051 --> 00:25:54,986 FOREVER. HE SAID NEVER GOING TO DO THE 401 00:25:55,053 --> 00:25:57,322 "BUILD BACK BETTER," AND THEN, BANG! 402 00:25:57,389 --> 00:25:59,891 HE DOES IT. YOU GUYS NEVER DOUBTED HIM, 403 00:25:59,958 --> 00:26:00,959 RIGHT? >> NEVER! 404 00:26:01,026 --> 00:26:02,160 >> Stephen: YOU GUYS NEVER DOUBTED HIM. 405 00:26:02,227 --> 00:26:06,765 >> WE HAVE BEEN TELLING PEOPLE FOR YEARS THAT JOE MANCHION 406 00:26:06,831 --> 00:26:10,769 WOULD COME THROUGH IN THE END. >> THE MAN HAS THE SOUL OF A 407 00:26:10,835 --> 00:26:11,903 POET. >> SURE! 408 00:26:11,970 --> 00:26:16,374 SURE, LIKE, IF YOU UPSET HIM, HE WILL BOIL THE OCEANS. 409 00:26:16,441 --> 00:26:18,410 BUT, JON, YOU WANT TO TAKE THIS ONE? 410 00:26:18,476 --> 00:26:21,880 >> YEAH, NO. >> LOOK, I THINK THAT HE WAS 411 00:26:21,947 --> 00:26:25,583 PERSUADED THAT THIS IS THE-- MIGHT BE THE LAST CHANCE, 412 00:26:25,650 --> 00:26:29,087 LITERALLY THE LAST CHANCE TO SAVE THE PLANET, AND THAT HE 413 00:26:29,154 --> 00:26:32,023 COULD HELP DO THAT WITH A BILL THAT WAS ALSO GOOD FOR THE 414 00:26:32,090 --> 00:26:35,126 ECONOMY, GOOD FOR WEST VIRGINIA, AND ALSO GOOD FOR HIS OWN 415 00:26:35,193 --> 00:26:37,128 POLITICS. AND I THINK IT'S A GOOD LESSON 416 00:26:37,195 --> 00:26:41,232 TO, LIKE, NEVER GIVE UP ON VOTING, NEVER GIVE UP ON 417 00:26:41,299 --> 00:26:44,836 ORGANIZING, NEVER GIVING UP ON PERSUASION, BECAUSE, LIKE, 418 00:26:44,903 --> 00:26:47,605 40,000 TO 50,000 VOTES GO THE OTHER WAY IN GEORGIA, AND WE'RE 419 00:26:47,672 --> 00:26:49,975 NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS CLIMATE BILL ANYMORE. 420 00:26:50,041 --> 00:26:54,746 AND NOW WE ARE BECAUSE JOE MARCHIAN IS THERE AND WE DIDN'T 421 00:26:54,813 --> 00:26:57,782 GIVE UP ON PERSUADING HIM AND FELLOW DEMOCRATS DIDN'T GIVE UP 422 00:26:57,849 --> 00:27:00,652 ON PERSUADING HIM. WE WERE PRETTY ANGRY WITH HIM. 423 00:27:00,719 --> 00:27:04,856 SOME PEOPLE WANTED TO KICK HIM OUT OF THE PARTY, TAKE AWAY HIS 424 00:27:04,923 --> 00:27:06,224 COMMITTEE ASSIGNMENTS. THAT HAPPENED, WE WOULDN'T BE 425 00:27:06,291 --> 00:27:08,059 TALKING ABOUT A CLIMATE BILL RIGHT NOW. 426 00:27:08,126 --> 00:27:11,730 AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU HAVE TO NEVER GIVE UP ON TRYING TO 427 00:27:11,796 --> 00:27:14,065 PERSUADE SOMEONE. >> Stephen: HOW GOOD IS THIS 428 00:27:14,132 --> 00:27:17,702 BILL? >> SO, I KNOW WE'VE BEEN HURT BY 429 00:27:17,769 --> 00:27:21,906 POLITICS, WE'RE WOUNDED BIRDS, SO WHEN I WENT AND LOOKED AT THE 430 00:27:21,973 --> 00:27:24,409 DETAILS I EXPECTED TO FIND A ( BLEEP ). 431 00:27:24,476 --> 00:27:27,545 YOU EXPECT TO FIND MONEY FOR HOUSEBOATS, THAT KIND OF THING. 432 00:27:27,612 --> 00:27:30,015 >> Stephen: SURE. >> IT'S SURPRISINGLY GOOD. 433 00:27:30,081 --> 00:27:32,050 IT'S SURPRISINGLY FORWARD-LOOKING AND REALLY 434 00:27:32,117 --> 00:27:35,887 POSITIVE STEP ON CLIMATE CHANGE. WHEN PRESIDENT BIDEN-- PRESIDENT 435 00:27:35,954 --> 00:27:40,859 BIDEN SET A GOAL AND THE GOAL WAS TO REDUCE EMISSIONS BY 50% 436 00:27:40,925 --> 00:27:43,828 OF THE AMOUNT WE'RE EMITTING IN 2005. 437 00:27:43,895 --> 00:27:47,632 IT WAS AN AMBITIOUS GOAL. IT TYKE LOT OF ACTIVISTS TO PUSH 438 00:27:47,699 --> 00:27:51,870 BIDE TONE TAKE THAT POSITION. THE EXPERTS SAY THIS WILL GET U 439 00:27:51,936 --> 00:27:56,041 31% TO 44% OF THAT REDUCTION. THAT'S PRETTY IMPRESSIVE, AND IT 440 00:27:56,107 --> 00:27:58,743 DOES IT BY INVESTING IN THINGS THAT WILL CUT A BUNCH OF 441 00:27:58,810 --> 00:28:01,513 POLLUTION AND TERRIBLE STUFF THAT JUST MAKES LIFE WORSE AND 442 00:28:01,579 --> 00:28:08,019 SHORTER FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE. AND THAT'S, OBVIOUSLY, ANATHEMA 443 00:28:08,086 --> 00:28:13,658 TO THE REPUBLICANS. THAT'S THEIR MIDTERM SLOGAN-- 444 00:28:13,725 --> 00:28:15,960 "WE'LL MAKE LIFE WORSE AND SHORTER." 445 00:28:16,027 --> 00:28:18,763 END OF THOUGHT. ( LAUGHTER ) 446 00:28:18,830 --> 00:28:21,933 >> Stephen: HOLD AT SECOND BASE. 447 00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:24,903 JUST HOLD AT SECOND-- SECOND BASE. 448 00:28:24,969 --> 00:28:26,471 THERE IS SOME DRILLING IN THERE, RIGHT? 449 00:28:26,538 --> 00:28:29,274 THERE IS STILL MONEY FOR DRILLING. 450 00:28:29,340 --> 00:28:32,877 >> YEAH, THERE IS. TO GET MARCHIANS VOTE. 451 00:28:32,944 --> 00:28:36,948 A CLIMATE GROUP RAN THE NUMBERS AND BASICALLY FOR EVERY ONE TON 452 00:28:37,015 --> 00:28:40,618 OF CARBON EMISSIONS GENERATED FROM THE OIL AND GAS PROVISIONS, 453 00:28:40,685 --> 00:28:44,055 24 TONS OF CARBON EMISSIONS ARE TAKEN OUT OF THE ATMOSPHERE FROM 454 00:28:44,122 --> 00:28:46,491 THIS BILL. >> Stephen: I'LL TAKE THAT 455 00:28:46,558 --> 00:28:49,094 RATIO. >> IT'S A MUCH BETTER BILL ON 456 00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:50,361 BALANCE. >> IT'S NOT PERFECT, BUT IT'S 457 00:28:50,428 --> 00:28:52,597 GOOD. >> I WOULD RATHER-- LOOK, I 458 00:28:52,664 --> 00:28:57,435 WOULD RATHER US, FULLY WIND AND SOLAR TODAY, BUT IF WE'RE GOING 459 00:28:57,502 --> 00:29:03,475 TO SEEK OIL AND GAS OUT AND I WOULD RATHER DO IT HERE THAN GO 460 00:29:03,541 --> 00:29:05,376 TO SAUDI ARABIA. >> Stephen: HOW DO YOU FEEL 461 00:29:05,443 --> 00:29:07,879 ABOUT THE FIST BUM? HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE BIDEN 462 00:29:07,946 --> 00:29:11,082 FIST BUMP WITH MBSGILOVED IT. I THOUGHT IT WAS GREAT. 463 00:29:11,149 --> 00:29:14,085 >> Stephen: IT HAD TO HAVE BEEN THOUGHT OUT? 464 00:29:14,152 --> 00:29:18,123 "WHAT DO WE DO, HANDSHAKE, SHIMMY?" 465 00:29:18,189 --> 00:29:20,291 >> THERE WAS A SMIRK. >> THE PICTURE WAS BAD. 466 00:29:20,358 --> 00:29:23,928 >> YOU SHAKE HANDS WITH PEOPLE YOU LIKE, DON'T LIKE. 467 00:29:23,995 --> 00:29:26,197 A FIST BUMP IT IS SORT OF A CELEBRATION. 468 00:29:26,264 --> 00:29:30,602 I KNOW IT WAS A COVID THING. >> Stephen: SENATE REPUBLICANS 469 00:29:30,668 --> 00:29:33,571 FELT BURNED THAT THE DEMOCRATS DID SOMETHING CLEVER. 470 00:29:33,638 --> 00:29:35,907 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: AND THEY HAD A 471 00:29:35,974 --> 00:29:37,976 UNIQUE RESPONSE. THEY APPARENTLY DECIDED TO TAKE 472 00:29:38,042 --> 00:29:43,848 OUT THEIR ANGER ON SICK VETERANS BY KILLING SOME OF THE FUNDING 473 00:29:43,915 --> 00:29:46,151 FOR-- FOR INSTANCE, PART OF IT WAS FOR THE PEOPLE WHO HAD BEEN 474 00:29:46,217 --> 00:29:50,121 EXPOSED IN BURN PITS. WHERE DOES THIS FALL IN THE 475 00:29:50,188 --> 00:29:54,359 SCALE OF POLITICAL GAMES THAT YOU'VE SEEN OR CYNICAL BEHAVIOR 476 00:29:54,425 --> 00:29:58,163 THAT YOU'VE SEEN OVER THE LAST 20-ODD YEARS YOU'VE BEEN DOING 477 00:29:58,229 --> 00:29:59,430 THIS? >> GOOD QUESTION. 478 00:29:59,497 --> 00:30:03,001 >> IT'S HARD TO BEAT INCITING INSURRECTION, YOU KNOW, IN TERMS 479 00:30:03,067 --> 00:30:04,802 OF CYNICAL GAMES. BUT, YOU KNOW, THEY'RE TRYING. 480 00:30:04,869 --> 00:30:08,006 >> YEAH, THEY'RE TRYING-- LISTEN, SO YOU SORT OF ALLUDED 481 00:30:08,072 --> 00:30:10,341 TO IT. THIS IS A BILL THAT PROVIDES 482 00:30:10,408 --> 00:30:14,679 HEALTHCARE TO VETERANS SERVING IN IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN AND 483 00:30:14,746 --> 00:30:17,916 INHALED FUMES FROM THESE BURN PITS-- PLASTICS, PAINT, THINGS 484 00:30:17,982 --> 00:30:21,019 YOU SHOULDN'T BE BURNING. THERE WERE HUGE INCIDENTS OF 485 00:30:21,085 --> 00:30:24,889 CANCER AND DEADLY DECEASES POPPING UP IN THESE OTHERWISE 486 00:30:24,956 --> 00:30:28,860 YOUNG, HEALTHY VETERANS. THIS WILL EXPEDITE HEALTHCARE 487 00:30:28,927 --> 00:30:31,763 AND DISABILITY BENEFITS FOR THESE MEN AND WOMEN. 488 00:30:31,829 --> 00:30:35,934 THE BILL PASSED 82-14, OVERWHELMINGLY BIPARTISAN IN THE 489 00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:40,638 SENATE. AND THEN SCHUMER AND MANCHIN DID 490 00:30:40,705 --> 00:30:41,906 SOMETHING INTELLIGENT AND THE REPUBLICANS GOT MAD AND A BUNCH 491 00:30:41,973 --> 00:30:47,378 OF THEM VOTED AGAINST IT. IT IS ONE OF THE MOST HORRIBLE, 492 00:30:47,445 --> 00:30:49,080 INCOHERENT, POLITICALLY SUPER-DELEGATE THINGS I'VE EVER 493 00:30:49,147 --> 00:30:52,517 SEEN IN MY LIFE, AND I'M HOPING THEY'LL FIX IT SOON. 494 00:30:52,584 --> 00:30:53,918 >> Stephen: THERE'S GOING TO BE ANOTHER VOTE. 495 00:30:53,985 --> 00:30:56,454 >> YES. >> BASICALLY, THE REPUBLICANS 496 00:30:56,521 --> 00:31:00,491 JUST FOLDED. McCONNELL SAID TODAY, LIKE, 497 00:31:00,558 --> 00:31:02,460 YEAH-- THERE WAS SOME LEGISLATIVE BACK AND FORECAST. 498 00:31:02,527 --> 00:31:04,195 WE'RE FINE NOW. WE'RE GOING TO VOTE FOR IT. 499 00:31:04,262 --> 00:31:06,631 >> Stephen: SO THEY REALIZED THAT THEY WERE STUPID. 500 00:31:06,698 --> 00:31:10,101 >> THEY REALIZED THEY WERE NOT ONLY CRUEL BUT POLITICALLY 501 00:31:10,168 --> 00:31:13,938 STUPID. >> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUT 502 00:31:14,005 --> 00:31:16,241 THE POSSIBLE CONTROL OF CONGRESS. 503 00:31:16,307 --> 00:31:18,876 IT'S GOING TO BE-- THE PRIMARIES, AS I SAID, FIVE OF 504 00:31:18,943 --> 00:31:22,380 THEM TODAY ACROSS THE UNITED STATES. 505 00:31:22,447 --> 00:31:26,651 AND, OF COURSE, THE MIDTERMS COMING UP. 506 00:31:26,718 --> 00:31:29,988 PUNNEDITZ OFTEN SAY-- ARE YOU GUYS PUNNEDITZ? 507 00:31:30,054 --> 00:31:35,593 ARE YOU OFFICIALLY PUNNEDITZ? SO PUNNEDITZ OFTEN SAY MIDTERMS 508 00:31:35,660 --> 00:31:37,795 ARE OFTEN REFERENDUMS ON THE CURRENT PRESIDENT. 509 00:31:37,862 --> 00:31:41,499 TO WHAT DEGREE IS THAT TRUE THIS TIME AND TO WHAT DEGREE IS IT A 510 00:31:41,566 --> 00:31:43,635 REFERENDUM ON THE PREVIOUS PRESIDENT WHO WON'T GO AWAY? 511 00:31:43,701 --> 00:31:47,171 >> I THINK IT REMAINS TO BE SEEN, BUT I THINK VOTERS NEED TO 512 00:31:47,238 --> 00:31:51,409 MAKE A CHOICE HERE AND THEY NEED TO ASK THEMSELVES THE QUESTION, 513 00:31:51,476 --> 00:31:54,245 LIKE, WHO'S FIGHTING FOR ME? IS IT THE GANG THAT JUST TRIED 514 00:31:54,312 --> 00:31:57,715 TO STICK IT TO DYING VETERANS BECAUSE THEY WERE PISSED AT 515 00:31:57,782 --> 00:32:00,685 DEMOCRATS AND CRIMINALIZED ABORTIONS AND OVERTURNED THE 516 00:32:00,752 --> 00:32:03,521 LAST ELECTION AND GO AFTER GAY MARRIAGE? 517 00:32:03,588 --> 00:32:06,190 OR IS IT THE PEOPLE WHO FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS HAVE BEEN 518 00:32:06,257 --> 00:32:10,328 TRYING TO LOWER ENERGY COSTS, LOWER PRESCRIPTION DRUG COSTS 519 00:32:10,395 --> 00:32:13,564 LOWER HEALTHCARE COSTS, ASSET PLANET, SAVE DEMOCRACY, AND MAKE 520 00:32:13,631 --> 00:32:17,402 SURE THAT PEOPLE CAN MARRY WHO THEY WANT AND START FAMILIES 521 00:32:17,468 --> 00:32:19,671 WHEN THEY WANT. SO I THINK-- 522 00:32:19,737 --> 00:32:29,047 ( APPLAUSE ). MEDIA" FOUR YEARS AGO, ON THIS 523 00:32:29,113 --> 00:32:32,517 SHOW, WE LAUNCHED "VOTE SAVE AMERICA" WHICH IS A WAY FOR 524 00:32:32,583 --> 00:32:35,586 EVERYONE TO GET INVOLVED AND HELP IN THE MIDTERMS. 525 00:32:35,653 --> 00:32:37,388 YOU CAN VOLUNTEER. YOU CAN ORGANIZE. 526 00:32:37,455 --> 00:32:40,491 ALREADY THIS YEAR WE HAVE SURPASSED THE NUMBER OF SIGN-UPS 527 00:32:40,558 --> 00:32:48,599 WE HAD IN 2018 FOR VOLUNTEERS. IF YOU WANT TO GO TO SIGN UP, 528 00:32:48,666 --> 00:32:51,202 YOU CAN GET INVOLVED IN THE MIDTERMS. 529 00:32:51,269 --> 00:32:53,971 >> Stephen: TOMMY, JON NEW EPISODES OF 530 00:32:54,038 --> 00:32:57,909 "POD SAVE AMERICA" ARE RELEASED TUESDAYS AND THURSDAYS. 531 00:32:57,975 --> 00:32:59,610 JON FAVREAU, JON LOVETT, AND TOMMY VIETOR, EVERYBODY! 532 00:32:59,677 --> 00:33:03,681 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN BIANCA CRISTOVAO. 533 00:33:19,997 --> 00:33:23,935 FOLKS MY NEXT GUEST IS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN FROM 534 00:33:24,001 --> 00:33:25,603 LOS ANGELES MAKING HER LATE- NIGHT DEBUT. 535 00:33:25,670 --> 00:33:28,673 PLEASE WELCOME BIANCA CRISTOVAO. >> HELLO! 536 00:33:28,740 --> 00:33:42,954 HELLO, HELLO! I AM FROM THE CHZECH REPUBLIC, 537 00:33:43,020 --> 00:33:45,857 AND WHEN I TELL PEOPLE THEY ARE USUALLY SHOCKED. 538 00:33:45,923 --> 00:33:52,697 AND SO WAS I WHEN I WAS BORN IN THE WHITEST PART OF THIS PLANET. 539 00:33:52,764 --> 00:33:56,634 CZECH RUBBING IS IN EASTERN EUROPE FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO WENT 540 00:33:56,701 --> 00:33:59,537 TO PUBLIC SCHOOLS. IT IS VERY BEAUTIFUL, VERY 541 00:33:59,604 --> 00:34:03,541 RACIST COUNTRY. IF YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO EUROPE, 542 00:34:03,608 --> 00:34:07,545 JUST IMAGINE IDAHO, WITH CASTLES. 543 00:34:07,612 --> 00:34:14,852 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT BACK IN CZECH, I USED TO BE 544 00:34:14,919 --> 00:34:18,423 A DOCTOR. THAT'S A LIE I USED TO SAY WHEN 545 00:34:18,489 --> 00:34:20,858 I WORKED FOR UBER AND I WANTED BETTER TIPS. 546 00:34:20,925 --> 00:34:24,228 ( LAUGHTER ) NOT EVEN CLOSE. 547 00:34:24,295 --> 00:34:27,532 ALTHOUGH, I USED TO BE CLOSE TO A LOT OF DOCTORS. 548 00:34:27,598 --> 00:34:31,536 I USED TO DATE THEM IN CZECH, NOT HERE, NOT IN AMERICA. 549 00:34:31,602 --> 00:34:38,609 IT IS VERY HARD TO MEET DOCTORS IN AMERICA IF YOU DON'T HAVE 550 00:34:38,676 --> 00:34:40,611 HEALTH INSURANCE. ( LAUGHTER ) 551 00:34:40,678 --> 00:34:47,552 LIKE, IT'S SO EASY IN CZECH. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO, YOU GO TO A 552 00:34:47,618 --> 00:34:50,521 HOSPITAL, YOU FIND A CUTE DOCTOR, YOU MAKE UP AN ILLNESS, 553 00:34:50,588 --> 00:34:53,925 AND YOU JUST KEEP COMING BACK. YOU KEEP COMING BACK. 554 00:34:53,991 --> 00:34:57,195 YOU KEEP COMING BACK, UNTIL HE ASKS YOU OUT. 555 00:34:57,261 --> 00:34:59,564 AND IT'S COVERED BY THE INSURANCE, BY THE WAY. 556 00:34:59,630 --> 00:35:04,368 ( LAUGHTER ) ( LAUGHTER ) 557 00:35:04,435 --> 00:35:09,941 GROW UP IN A COUNTRY WITH FREE HEALTHCARE. 558 00:35:10,007 --> 00:35:13,878 YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I WOULD VISIT MY GYNECOLOGIST JUST TO 559 00:35:13,945 --> 00:35:24,922 FEEL SEEN. ( LAUGHTER ) 560 00:35:24,989 --> 00:35:29,927 GONE THROUGH A HORRIBLE BREAKUP ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO, AND SHE WAS 561 00:35:29,994 --> 00:35:34,932 TELLING ME THE OTHER DAY, SHE WAS LIKE, "BIANCA, NOBODY HAS 562 00:35:34,999 --> 00:35:35,933 SEEN ME NAKED IN TWO YEARS." I SAID, YOU NEED TO COME TO 563 00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:37,902 EUROPE WITH ME. I KNOW A GUY. 564 00:35:37,969 --> 00:35:41,172 HE WILL LOOK AT IT AND TELL YOU IF YOU HAVE CANCER." 565 00:35:41,239 --> 00:35:45,943 BUT I'M NOT COMPLAINING ABOUT AMERICA. 566 00:35:46,010 --> 00:35:48,012 I'M JUST TELLING YOU WHAT IT'S LIKE SOMEWHERE ELSE. 567 00:35:48,079 --> 00:35:51,849 I'M AN IMMIGRANT, AND AS AN IMMIGRANT I NEVER COMPLAIN ABOUT 568 00:35:51,916 --> 00:35:54,385 AMERICA. BECAUSE THAT'S THE NUMBER-ONE 569 00:35:54,452 --> 00:35:57,855 FIGHT CLUB RULE FOR IMMIGRANTS IN AMERICA. 570 00:35:57,922 --> 00:36:00,491 YOU DO NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT AMERICA! 571 00:36:00,558 --> 00:36:03,327 YOU DO NOT! DON'T, DON'T EVEN TRY! 572 00:36:03,394 --> 00:36:10,668 ONCE IN MY LIFE, I WHISPERED, REALLY, I WAS LIKE, "I-- I DON'T 573 00:36:10,735 --> 00:36:15,506 KNOW, MAYBE COLLEGES COULD BE FREE?" 574 00:36:15,573 --> 00:36:17,675 AND THEN EVERYONE WAS LIKE, SHUT UP! 575 00:36:17,742 --> 00:36:21,279 GO BACK TO YOUR OWN COUNTRY IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT! 576 00:36:21,345 --> 00:36:24,448 GO BACK, GO BACK, YOU FILTHY LITTLE IMMIGRANT." 577 00:36:24,515 --> 00:36:30,288 AND I WAS LIKE, "NO, YOU GO." "YOU GO BACK TO MY OWN COUNTRY. 578 00:36:30,354 --> 00:36:33,724 WE'VE GOT COLLEGES FOR FREE." ( LAUGHTER ) 579 00:36:33,791 --> 00:36:43,200 I'M THINKING ABOUT GETTING BOTOX BECAUSE MY MOTHER IS WHITE. 580 00:36:43,267 --> 00:36:45,102 THE GENETICS IS NOT LOOKING GOOD. 581 00:36:45,169 --> 00:36:49,707 I'M CRACKING A LITTLE. MY MOM IS WHITE, BLOND HAIR, 582 00:36:49,774 --> 00:36:53,010 BLUE EYES. I HAVE NEVER MET MY FATHER, BUT 583 00:36:53,077 --> 00:36:59,216 I'M GUESSING HE'S NOT. ( LAUGHTER ) 584 00:36:59,283 --> 00:37:05,022 IT REALLY IS. BECAUSE WE LOOK NOTHING LIKE OUR 585 00:37:05,089 --> 00:37:08,359 PARENTS. LIKE, ALL MIXED RACE KIDS LOOK 586 00:37:08,426 --> 00:37:09,760 LIKE... LENNY KRAVITZ. 587 00:37:09,827 --> 00:37:13,397 ( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE AS A CHILD, ALL YOU WANT 588 00:37:13,464 --> 00:37:16,467 TO BE IS LIKE YOUR PARENTS. THAT'S ALL YOU WANT TO BE. 589 00:37:16,534 --> 00:37:18,369 AND YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE NOT. 590 00:37:18,436 --> 00:37:22,506 AND THEN NOBODY CARES. NOBODY SYMPATHIZES WITH US. 591 00:37:22,573 --> 00:37:27,278 NOBODY'S CONCERNED WITH OUR PAIN BECAUSE WE ARE GORGEOUS. 592 00:37:27,345 --> 00:37:39,590 ( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF GORGEOUS, YOU GUYS 593 00:37:39,657 --> 00:37:44,362 SHOULD SEE MY OLDER BROTHER. HE LOOKS LIKE THE GUY FROM 594 00:37:44,428 --> 00:37:48,332 "BRIDGER TON." HAVE YOU SEEN THAT NASTY SHOW? 595 00:37:48,399 --> 00:37:50,801 NASTY! SO AFTER MY BEAUTIFUL MOM HAD ME 596 00:37:50,868 --> 00:37:53,304 AND MY OLDER BROTHER, SHE GOT A LITTLE COCKY. 597 00:37:53,371 --> 00:37:58,175 I'M NOT GOING TO LIE. SHE WAS LIKE, "MAYBE I'M A 598 00:37:58,242 --> 00:38:02,413 GODDESS AND I CAN HAVE BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN WITH ANYONE." 599 00:38:02,480 --> 00:38:06,250 AND THEN SHE HAD MY LITTLE HALF-BROTHER WITH A WHITE GUY, 600 00:38:06,317 --> 00:38:12,923 AND SHE CALLS IT-- AND I JUST QUOTE-- A HUMBLING EXPERIENCE. 601 00:38:12,990 --> 00:38:16,427 ( LAUGHTER ) SHE WAS LIKE, "BIANCA, JUST SO 602 00:38:16,494 --> 00:38:19,964 YOU KNOW, YOUR LITTLE BROTHER, THAT WAS KIND OF AN ACCIDENT. 603 00:38:20,031 --> 00:38:24,869 I WAS YOUNG AND DUMB." AND I'M LIKE, MOM, YOU WERE 43, 604 00:38:24,935 --> 00:38:30,207 AND YOU DID SIX ROUNDS OF I.V.F. WHAT YOU CALL AN ACCIDENT, THE 605 00:38:30,274 --> 00:38:34,612 DOCTOR CALLED A MIRACLE." BUT IT IS TOUGH, YOU KNOW. 606 00:38:34,679 --> 00:38:37,014 YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT COMES OUT OF YOU, RIGHT. 607 00:38:37,081 --> 00:38:39,984 THAT'S WHY MY BOYFRIEND IS MIXED RACE, TOO. 608 00:38:40,051 --> 00:38:46,123 LIKE, GUYS, LOOK, I THINK, I IMAGINE, I HOPE, I COULD HAVE 609 00:38:46,190 --> 00:38:47,658 BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN WITH ANYONE, RIGHT? 610 00:38:47,725 --> 00:38:50,728 BUT THERE'S NO NEED TO TAKE THAT RISK, YOU KNOW. 611 00:38:50,795 --> 00:38:53,764 ( LAUGHTER ) WE DON'T. 612 00:38:53,831 --> 00:38:57,635 LIKE, SO FAR WE KNOW THREE THINGS-- IF YOU MIX BLACK PERSON 613 00:38:57,702 --> 00:38:59,970 AND BLACK PERSON, YOU HAVE EXCELLENCE. 614 00:39:00,037 --> 00:39:03,841 IF YOU MIX BLACK PERSON AND WHITE PERSON, YOU HAVE GORGEOUS. 615 00:39:03,908 --> 00:39:07,712 I TOLD YOU THAT. AND THEN IF YOU MIX WHITE PERSON 616 00:39:07,778 --> 00:39:11,649 AND WHITE PERSON, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE SOMEONE WHO IS GOING TO 617 00:39:11,716 --> 00:39:15,553 HAVE A HARD TIME GETTING INTO AN IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL THESE DAYS. 618 00:39:15,619 --> 00:39:21,726 ( LAUGHTER ) GET IN. 619 00:39:21,792 --> 00:39:23,994 AND IT SUCKS KNOW-- IF IT'S TRUE. 620 00:39:24,061 --> 00:39:27,598 IT'S UNCOOL. IT'S UNCOOL. 621 00:39:27,665 --> 00:39:30,801 BUT AS AN AMERICAN NOW, I'M LIKE, "GO BACK TO YOUR OWN 622 00:39:30,868 --> 00:39:35,005 COUNTRY IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT. GO BACK, GO BACK, YOU FILTHY 623 00:39:35,072 --> 00:39:38,743 LITTLE IMMIGRANTS!" THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH. 624 00:39:38,809 --> 00:39:41,045 >> Stephen: YOU CAN SEE BIANCA PERFORMING REGULARLY AT THE 625 00:39:41,112 --> 00:39:44,215 COMEDY STORE AND LARGO THEATER IN LOS ANGELES. 626 00:39:44,281 --> 00:39:46,283 BIANCA CRISTOVAO, EVERYBODY! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 627 00:40:06,003 --> 00:40:09,206 >> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 628 00:40:09,273 --> 00:40:11,942 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE RON HOWARD AND STAR OF 629 00:40:12,009 --> 00:40:13,277 "THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RINGS OF POWER," MORFYDD CLARK. 630 00:40:13,344 --> 00:40:15,346 GOOD NIGHT.