CONFUSION COMES COURTESY OF DONALD TRUMP WHO MADE A
DELIBERATELY VAGUE-- QUOTE, UNQUOTE-- ENDORSEMENT ON MONDAY.
>> HE SENT AN EMAIL LAST NIGHT SAYING HE WAS ENDORSING ERIC, NO
LAST NAME PROVIDED. THE PROBLEM: TWO OF THE THREE
SERIOUS CANDIDATES IN THE RACE ARE NAMED ERIC.
NOW BOTH ERICS ARE SAYING THE FORMER PRESIDENT IS SUPPORTING
THEM.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> I AM HONORED TO ENDORSE THE
TREMENDOUS MAN. HE'S TOUGH, HE'S STRONG, HE'S A
HUMAN BEING. THIS GUY HAS TWO LEGS, AND HE
BREATHES OXYGEN. HE'S FROM A PLACE CALLED THE
PLANET EARTH. AND HIS NAME IS PERSON.
A VOTE FOR PERSON IS A VOTE FOR HIS POLICIES.
DON'T VOTE FOR A WALL STREET SELLOUT LIKE THE OTHER PERSON.
THEY ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON. I'M DOING THIS BECAUSE WHICHEVER
ONE WINS, NO MATTER WHO IT IS, NO MATTER WHO THEY ARE, I'M
GOING TO SAY, "I TOLD YOU SO." ( IN DISTORTED VOICE )
>> I'M PERSON AND I APPROVED THIS MESSAGE.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE
SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." TONIGHT:
OH, NO SHE DIDN'T. PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES:
"POD SAVE AMERICA." AND COMEDIAN BIANCA CRISTOVAO
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
WITH SPECIAL GUEST JAMES TAYLOR. AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU.
GOOD TO SEE YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU, JAMES. WHAT'S UP, JOHN.
LOUIS. HAPPY TUESDAY.
WELCOME, EVERYBODY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
DOWN HERE, UP THERE. PLEASE HAVE A SEAT.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
I JUST WANT TO START OFF TONIGHT--
( APPLAUSE ) A QUICK CONGRATULATIONS TO
THE PEOPLE HERE IN THE THEATER, BUT ESPECIALLY THE PEOPLE AT
HOME, BECAUSE IF WE'RE BEING BROADCAST RIGHT NOW AT 11:35
EASTERN TIME, THAT MEANS WE'RE NOT AT WAR WITH CHINA.
I'M A BIG FAN OF ME, BUT I FEEL LIKE I MIGHT BE PREEMPTED IF
THAT WAS HAPPENING. HERE'S WHY I BRING IT UP:
TENSIONS HAVE BEEN RISING BETWEEN THE U.S. AND CHINA EVER
SINCE THE CHINESE LEARNED THAT SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI WAS
PLANNING A TRIP TO TAIWAN, WHICH WOULD CALL INTO QUESTION
AMERICA'S "ONE CHINA" POLICY THAT ACKNOWLEDGES THAT TAIWAN IS
PART OF CHINA, BUT NOT REALLY. THE THREATS FROM THE CHINESE
GOVERNMENT HAVE NOT BEEN SUBTLE. LAST WEEK, THE CHINESE WARNED
THAT "THOSE WHO PLAY WITH FIRE WILL PERISH BY IT."
HAVE YOU SEEN CALIFORNIA? ( LAUGHTER )
ONCE WAS, CHINA. THE CHINESE CONTINUE TO RATTLE
THEIR FLAMING SABER, WARNING, "THE VISIT WOULD TRIGGER SEVERE
CONSEQUENCES," AND WARNED THAT THEIR MILITARY WON'T SIT BY
IDLY, WITH THEIR GOVERNMENT EXPLAINING, "NO MATTER FOR WHAT
REASON PELOSI GOES TO TAIWAN, IT WILL BE A STUPID, DANGEROUS, AND
UNNECESSARY GAMBLE." THAT'S OMINOUS.
ALSO A PERFECT SLOGAN FOR WHITE CASTLE.
( LAUGHTER ) THE CHINESE-- I COULD GO FOR-- I
COULD GO FOR A LITTLE-- THIS TIME OF NIGHT, I COULD GO FOR A
LITTLE SOMETHING. THE CHINESE HAVE ALSO CONDUCTED
LIVE FIRE DRILLS IN THE SOUTH CHINA SEA AND SCRAMBLED JETS AS
HER PLANE LANDED IN TAIWAN. ALL OF THIS FOR AN 82-YEAR-OLD
WOMAN WITH BONES MADE OF PEANUT BRITTLE.
TENSIONS ARE SO BAD THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT HAS UPGRADED ITS
READINESS TO "DEFCON MEE-MAW." ( LAUGHTER )
YOU SHOULD CALL MORE. YOU SHOULD CALL MORE.
>> Stephen: I THINK WE GET THE IDEA.
DESPITE-- ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: DESPITE ALL THE THREATS, SPEAKER PELOSI DID NOT
BACK DOWN. THIS MORNING, SHE AND HER
CONGRESSIONAL DELEGATION LANDED SAFELY IN TAIWAN.
WHICH IS GREAT, BECAUSE JUST BEFORE SHE LANDED, CHINA'S
FOREIGN MINISTER WARNED YET AGAIN, U.S. POLITICIANS WHO
"PLAY WITH FIRE" ON THE TAIWAN ISSUE WILL "COME TO NO
GOOD END." "COME TO NO GOOD END."
THAT THREAT STARTED OUT VERY SCARY AND ENDED UP BEING VERY
VAGUE. ( LAUGHTER )
BULL, YOU GET THE GENERAL BADNESS THAT HAPPENS POST-BULL
MESSING." ( LAUGHTER )
IF HUMANITY CONTINUES TO EXIST. SPEAKING OF PAYBACKS, LAST NIGHT
PRESIDENT BIDEN ANNOUNCED THAT A U.S. DRONE STRIKE IN KABUL
KILLED THE TOP AL QAEDA LEADER, AYMAN AL-ZAWAHIRI.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE GOT THE GUY BEHIND THE GUY
BEHIND 9-11! WE HAVEN'T HAD A WIN LIKE THIS
SINCE WE GOT BIN LADEN 11 YEARS AGO.
SO, PLAY ON SOME L.M.F.A.O. ON MY SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT iPHONE AND
THROW "THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO" ON THE BLU-RAY, BECAUSE
I'M PARTYING LIKE IT'S 2011! #WINNING!
BEYONCE'S PREGNANT! I HOPE I GET TO HOST "THE LATE
SHOW" ONE DAY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOT HAPPEN OVERNIGHT. IT'S THE RESULT OF A 21-YEAR
MANHUNT. AND IN THOSE 21 YEARS, NO ONE IN
THE MEDIA LEARNED HOW TO PRONOUNCE HIS NAME:
>> AYMAN AL-ZA-WAH-HEAR-EE. >> AL-ZAW-A-HEE.
>> AYMAN AL-ZA-WUR-EE. >> AYMAN AL-ZAW-AR-HI.
>> AL-ZAW-AH-HIR-I. >> ZA-WA-HEAR-EE.
>> AYMAN AL-ZA-WAH-REE. >> AYWIN-- AYMAN AL-ZAW-EE--
ZA-WAY-- ZAW-A-HIR-I. >> Stephen: JUST CALL HIM "AYMAN
AL-ZAWA-HEY, BIG GUY!" SO HOW DID WE GET THIS GUY?
BLOW HIM UP REAL GOOD? SEAL TEAM 7?
NOPE. REPORTEDLY, THE C.I.A. TARGETED
HIM WITH A DRONE STRIKE WHILE HE WAS ON THE BALCONY OF HIS HOUSE
AT 6:18 A.M. ON SUNDAY. THAT'S SO EARLY.
HE WAS DRINKING FROM A MUG THAT SAID, "DON'T TALK TO ME
UNTIL I'VE HAD MY HELLFIRE MISSILE."
( LAUGHTER ) MISSILE.
IT LOOKS LIKE AL-ZAWAHRI WAS TAKEN OUT BY A HELLFIRE RX9
MISSILE, WHICH IS UNIQUE FOR NOT HAVING ANY EXPLOSIVE
MATERIAL. OKAY, THAT SOUNDS HUMANE.
WHAT DOES IT DO? EVIDENTLY, RIGHT BEFORE IT
REACHES YOU, IT DEPLOYS SIX RETRACTABLE BLADES, EARNING
IT THE NICKNAME THE "FLYING GINSU."
AL-ZAWAHIRI DID NOT SURVIVE, BUT THE POTATO HE WAS HOLDING...
JULIENNE FRIES. ( APPLAUSE )
THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME OUR GOVERNMENT'S USED AS-SEEN-ON-TV
TECHNOLOGY TO THWART OUR FOES. I MEAN, IF YOU'VE SEEN "ZERO
DARK THIRTY," THEN YOU KNOW OUR BOYS GOT BIN LADEN WITH A SLAP
CHOP. PRESIDENT BIDEN CONFIRMED THE
STRIKE IN A SPECIAL TV ANNOUNCEMENT LAST NIGHT AND
HE MADE IT CLEAR HOW METICULOUSLY IT WAS PLANNED:
>> THIS MISSION WAS CAREFULLY PLANNED TO RIGOROUSLY MINIMIZE
THE RISK OF HARM TO OTHER CIVILIANS.
NONE OF HIS FAMILY MEMBERS WERE HURT.
AND THERE WERE NO CIVILIAN CASUALTIES.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S COOL, BUT SHOULDN'T THAT BE A GOAL OF
ALL MILITARY OPERATIONS? ( APPLAUSE )
"THE SURGERY WAS A TOTAL SUCCESS, MR. JOHNSON.
WE REMOVED YOUR APPENDIX WITHOUT STABBING ANY OF THE NEARBY
NURSES." ( LAUGHTER )
ON MINIMIZING RISK THAT BEFORE THE STRIKE, HE HAD A
SCALE MODEL OF ZAWAHIRI'S HOUSE PLACED INSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE
SITUATION ROOM SO HE COULD EXAMINE IT.
IT'S NICE WHEN A PRESIDENT SAYS "BRING ME A MODEL," AND HE
DOESN'T MEAN A NEW WIFE. ( LAUGHTER )
♪ ♪ ♪ THANK YOU FOR COMING WITH ME ON
THAT. GETTING ONE OF THE MASTERMINDS
OF 9/11 IS A HUGE ACHIEVEMENT FOR THE PRESIDENT.
AND KEEP IN MIND, THE WHOLE THING HAPPENED WHILE HE WAS
ISOLATING DUE TO COVID-19. WHICH MEANS THAT UNLIKE THE BIN
LADEN STRIKE, THIS TIME, THE SITUATION ROOM WAS A LITTLE LESS
CROWDED. ( LAUGHTER )
STATES HELD PRIMARIES: ARIZONA, MICHIGAN, MISSOURI, KANSAS, AND
WASHINGTON. WE TAPED TONIGHT'S SHOW, LET'S
SAY EARLIER. SO WE DON'T HAVE ANY OF THE
RESULTS. YOU'RE WELCOME.
WE DON'T KNOW WHO WON, BUT IN THIS YEAR'S G.O.P. PRIMARIES,
IT'S SAFE TO SAY, SOME CRAZY ( BLEEP ).
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE EVENING WAS THE MISSOURI SENATE PRIMARY BETWEEN TWO
EQUALLY FERVANT ELECTION DENIERS.
STATE ATTORNEY GENERAL AND FURNITURE SALESMAN WHO COMES
WITH THE CHAIR, ERIC SCHMITT; AND FORMER MISSOURI GOVERNOR AND
THE LAST FACE YOU SEE BEFORE YOU DIE, ERIC GREITENS.
BOTH OF THESE GUYS ARE MAGA CANDIDATES, AND BOTH WANTED THE
ENDORSEMENT OF FORMER PRESIDENT TRAITOR TOT.
ESTABLISHMENT REPUBLICANS DESPERATELY WANTED THE FORMER
PRESIDENT TO ENDORSE ERIC SCHMITT BECAUSE, "A," HE WAS
LEADING IN THE POLLS. AND "B," ERIC GREITENS RESIGNED
FROM THE GOVERNORSHIP IN DISGRACE AFTER SERIOUS
SEXUAL ASSAULT ALLEGATIONS. IN FACT, HE'S GOT SO MUCH
BAGGAGE, THAT MISSOURI REPUBLICANS ARE RUNNING ATTACK
ADS AGAINST GREITENS, THEIR OWN CANDIDATE, IN AN ATTEMPT TO
SECURE THE NOMINATION FOR A LESS-CONTROVERSIAL REPUBLICAN
CANDIDATE. YIKERS.
HOW AWFUL DO YOU HAVE TO BE THESE DAYS TO BE CUT LOOSE BY
THE REPUBLICANS? IT'S LIKE BEING TOLD YOU'RE TOO
INSANE FOR THE MANSON FAMILY: "I HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU, MAN.
CHARLIE THINKS YOU'RE MAKIN' US LOOK BAD.
HELTER SORRY." ( LAUGHTER )
YESTERDAY MORNING, THE FORMER PRESIDENT HAD TO DECIDE ON WHO
TO ENDORSE. ON ONE SIDE, ARGUING IN FAVOR OF
ERIC SCHMITT, WERE PEOPLE LIKE R.N.C. CHAIR RONNA ROMNEY
McDANIEL. THOSE FOLKS WERE OPPOSED BY
FUTURE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW AND "REAL HOUSEWIFE OF JANUARY 6,"
KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE. AFTER FACING PRESSURE FROM ALL
SIDES, THE FORMER PRESIDENT TOOK A BOLD STAND ON "TRUTH SOCIAL,"
TYPING, "I TRUST THE GREAT PEOPLE OF MISSOURI ON THIS
ONE TO MAKE UP THEIR OWN MINDS, MUCH AS THEY DID WHEN THEY GAVE
ME LANDSLIDE VICTORIES IN THE 2016 AND 2020 ELECTIONS.
AND I AM, THEREFORE, PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT ERIC HAS MY
COMPLETE AND TOTAL ENDORSEMENT!" OH, OH, HOW CLEVER.
BRAVO ( APPLAUSE )
IT TO BOTH OF THEM, JUST LIKE HIS MARRIAGE VOWS:
"THEREFORE, I DO SOLEMNLY PLEDGE MY COMPLETE AND TOTAL LOYALTY TO
'WOMAN.'" ( LAUGHTER )
PRESIDENT MEANT THEM, SO BOTH MEN THANKED THE FORMER PRESIDENT
FOR THE ENDORSEMENT. OKAY, BUT HE COULD HAVE BEEN
ENDORSING ANY ERIC, EXCEPT ONE:
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE THE HOSTS OF "POD
SAVE AMERICA." BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I GIVE
YOU THE LATEST ON THE HOT NEW TELEVISION TRENDS.
>> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND THE BAND,
THERE YOU GO. JAMES, JAMES TAYLOR, SO LOVELY
TO HAVE YOU AGAIN HERE TONIGHT. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US
AND JOINING THE BAND. ISN'T JAMES TAYLOR AMAZING,
JUMPING IN HERE, A COUPLE OF QUICK QUESTIONS.
WE'RE IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER, BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING
SPACE, STORIED. DID YOUR CAREER OVERLAP WITH THE
SULLIVAN SHOW? DID YOU EVER PERMANENT ON THE
STAGE FOR MR. SULLIVAN? >> NO, I NEVER MADE THE "ED
SULLIVAN SHOW," I JUST MISSED THAT.
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU FEEL SITTING IN WITH THE BAND THIS
WEEK? >> THIS HAS BEEN SUCH A GREAT
COUPLE OF DAYS. IT'S FANTASTIC.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU. DON'T THANK ME.
>> FOR INVITING ME ON. NO, NO, THANK YOU.
NO, NO. ( APPLAUSE )
WHAT IT'S LIKE JUST TO JUMP IN. I LIKE SINGING AND PLAY A LITTLE
BIT BUT I DON'T READ SHEET MUSIC.
WHAT IS IT LIKE FOR YOU GUYS -- DO YOU LAY OUT CHARTS FOR THE
GUESTS, LOUIS? HOW DO YOU DO THIS?
>> Louis: IT'S A BIT OF A MIX. SOME OF HIS SONGS ARE SO
FAMILIAR EVERYONE KIND OF KNOWS THEM ALREADY.
AND SOME WITH MORE SPECIFIC PARTS WE'RE MAKING NOTES AND
CHARTS. WE HAVE IT LAID OUT ON iPADS
AND PAPERS AND CHICKEN SCRATCH. ( LAUGHTER ).
UNDERSTAND YOU DON'T READ SHEET MUSIC.
>> NO, I NEVER LEARNED TO READ MUSIC WELL.
BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S-- I FIND A WAY TO COMMUNICATE.
LARRY GOLDINGS CAME WITH ME FROM JUST BEING OUT --
>> Stephen: LARRY GOLDINGS, EVERYBODY.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SO YOU DON'T READ
SHEET MUSIC, BUT YOU HAVE PLAYED WITH SYMPHONIES AND STUFF LIKE
THAT. HOW DO YOU LA-DEE-DA YOUR WAY
WITH THE BOSTON POPS? >> IT'S EXACTLY THAT.
IT'S JUST ALL SMOKE AND MIRRORS. >> Stephen: YOU'VE BEEN FAKING
IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT FOR THE LAST 50 YEARS?
>> NOW THE CAT'S OUT OF THE BAG, SO...
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WELL THANKS SO
MUCH AGAIN FOR BEING HERE. >> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: IN JUST A MOMENT-- ( APPLAUSE )
FELLAS FROM "POD SAVE AMERICA" WILL BE OUT HERE IN JUST A
MOMENT. >> Louis: YEAH.
>> Stephen: STICK AROUND FOR THAT.
FOLKS, ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME KNOWS I LOVE TV.
I LOVE IT SO MUCH, I'M INSIDE OF ONE RIGHT NOW WORKING REALLY
HARD SO I CAN AFFORD AN EVEN BETTER TV.
SO I LIKE TO STAY ON TOP OF THE LATEST TELEVISION TRENDS.
AND RIGHT NOW THE BIGGEST THING ON TV IS THE INTERNET--
SPECIFICALLY, SHOWS ABOUT THE RISE AND FALL OF BIG-TECH
FOUNDERS. WE LOVE WATCHING THE SOARING
HIGHS AND TRAGIC LOWS OF TECH BILLIONAIRES.
THE ONLY OTHER PLACE YOU CAN WATCH THAT IS ELON'S TWITTER
FEED. ( LAUGHTER )
OUT THERE. LIKE THE MINISERIES, "SUPER
PUMPED: THE BATTLE FOR UBER." WHICH FOLLOWS
UBER FOUNDER TRAVIS KALANICK AS HE TURNED HIS RIDE-SHARING
START-UP INTO A MULTIBILLION-DOLLAR COMPANY,
AND EVENTUALLY RESIGNED AS C.E.O. AFTER MULTIPLE
CONTROVERSIES. MOST HUMILIATING OF ALL, AFTER
HE RESIGNED, HE HAD TO TAKE A LYFT HOME.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS ACTUAL DRAMATIC TRAILER.
>> I'M TRAVIS KALINICK, AND I WILL NEVER BACK DOWN FROM A
FIGHT. >> YOU KNOW YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY
UP WHEN THEY SLAP A TARGET ON YOUR BACK.
>> WHO'S READY TO CONQUER THE WORLD?!
>> C'MON. >> YOU NEED TO START LISTENING
TO THE PEOPLE WHO BUILT THIS COMPANY.
>> I AM THE COMPANY! >> Stephen: YELLING "I AM THE
COMPANY" IS SO TACKY. THE CLASSY WAY IS SIMPLY TO
MOUNT YOUR NAME IN LIGHTS TEN STORIES TALL ON THE OUTSIDE OF A
BUILDING. OKAY?
( APPLAUSE ) CLEARLY AMERICA IS HUNGRY FOR
STORIES OF EGOTISTICAL, OUT-OF-CONTROL TECH COMPANIES
BUT, SADLY, WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF FAILED STARTUPS TO MAKE SHOWS
ABOUT. THANKFULLY, THAT HASN'T STOPPED
US HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW" FROM MAKING A HIGH-OCTANE LIMITED
SERIES ABOUT ONE OF SILICON VALLEY'S MOST ICONIC
DISRUPTORS. JIM?
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK OF WHEN I SAY "CLOCKS?
>> I DON'T KNOW. TIME?
MINUTES? >> SNOOZE.
>> NOT ANYMORE. >> THAT WAS AN HA HARDZ LOOM.
WHAT IF I TOLD YOU I COULD PUT THIS INSIDE OF THIS?
>> YOU JUST GOT YOURSELF $100 BILLION.
>> CLOCK'OR iPHONE? THE DAYS OF CARRYING AROUND A
GRANDFATHER CLOCK ON YOUR BACK ARE OVER.
>> WE SHOULD REALLY MAKE MORE TIME FOR US.
>> I'M MAKING TIME FOR EVERYONE. >> THAT IS WHY MY FOUNDATION IS
SENDING VOUCHERS FOR FREE APP DOWNLOADS TO UNDERPRIVILEGED
CHILDREN WITHOUT iPHONES. >> WHAT ABOUT REPORTS YOU'RE
TRYING TO BUY BIG BEN AND REPLACE IT WITH YOUR LOGO?
>> NO COMMENT. >> THIS IS THE HOUSE THAT CLOCK
BUILT! >> WOOOH!
( ALARM RINGING ) >> WE HAVE A PROBLEM.
USERSHIP IS DOWN. PEOPLE ARE JUST LOOKING AT THEIR
LOCK SCREEN OR THE UPPER LEFT-HAND CORNER OF THE PHONE.
>> I'LL HANDLE IT. >> THE F.B.I. IS HERE TO SEE
YOU. >> WE HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE
YOUR CLOCK APP IS ILLEGALLY HARVESTING PEOPLE'S SNOOZE
HABITS. >> WE ARE ON TRACK TO LOSE 68
BILLION THIS QUARTER. JUST FIX IT!
WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME! >> I AM TIME!
>> YOU'VE CHANGED. >> NO.
TIMES ARE CHANGING. YOU KNOW, BECAUSE IT'S CLOCKS.
>> YEAH, YEAH, I GET IT. >> WHY WON'T YOU LET THIS GO?
>> EVERYONE HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW IF IT'S 5:00 P.M. IN COUPER
TINO. >> HICKORY, DICKERY, DOCK, I AM
THE ( BLEEP ) CLOCK. ( APPLAUSE )
TICK-TOCK? >> WHAT?
NO ONE'S EVER GOING TO USE AN APP CALLED TICK-TOCK?
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE HOSTS OF "POD SAVE
AMERICA." IS
>> Stephen: JAMES TAYLOR, EVERYBODY!
( APPLAUSE ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY GUESTS
TONIGHT ARE THE FOUNDERS OF "CROOKED MEDIA" AND HOSTS OF
"POD SAVE AMERICA." PLEASE WELCOME, JON FAVREAU,
JON LOVETT, AND TOMMY VIETOR! ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) HEAT OF THE MEAT HERE.
WE HAVEN'T SEEN YOU GUYS IN PERSON IN WHAAT?
2020, SOMETHING LIKE THAT? >> INAUGURATION, I THINK.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU WHEN YOU CAME ON OVER ZOOM.
THAT WASN'T THE EASIEST THING IN THE WORLD BUT HAPPY TO HAVE YOU
IN PERSON AGAIN. YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN
ANNOUNCED THE KILLING OF THE LAST LIVING MAJOR GUY IN
AL QAEDA THAT WAS AROUND DURING 9/11, AYMAN AL-ZAWAHIRI.
YOU GUYS WORKED AT THE WHITE HOUSE DURING THE BIN LADEN RAID.
WHAT IS IT-- WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE IN THE WHITE HOUSE-- HOW
BIG-- HOW BIG OF AN ANNOUNCEMENT IS THIS?
AND WHAT IS IT LIKE IN THE WHITE HOUSE WHEN YOU KNOW THIS
ANNOUNCEMENT IS COMING? >> THIS IS A HUGE
COUNTERTERRORISM OPERATION. ZAWAHIRI WAS THE FOUNDING MEMBER
OF AL QAEDA. HE FOUNDED IT WITH OSAMA BIN
LADEN. HE PLOTTED THE 9/11 ATTACKS.
HE PLOTTED THE BOMBING OF THE USS "COLE."
>> Stephen: AND WE HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET HIM BEFORE 9/11.
>> HE WAS RELEASING TERRORIST PROPAGANDA AS RECENTLY AS THIS
YEAR. SO FINDING HIM AND BEING ABLE TO
CONDUCT THIS OPERATION IS A BIG COUNTERTERRORISM WIN.
IT'S ALSO AN ENORMOUS MOMENT FOR THE WHITE HOUSE, BECAUSE THEY'RE
SPENDING EVERY WAKING MOMENT LEADING UP TO IT WORRYING ABOUT
IT GOING WELL, WORRYING ABOUT COLLATERAL DAMAGE, MAKING SURE
EVERYONE GETS OUT SAFETY. IT'S PROBABLY A HUGE SENSE OF
RELIEF TODAY. >> I WILL SAY IT'S A LITTLE BIT
SHAMEFUL THAT PRESIDENT BIDEN WOULD DO THIS WHILE HE'S
SUPPOSED TO BE RECOVERING FROM COVID.
IT'S HOUSE CULTURE RUN AMOK. COMMANDER IN CHIEF'S ORDERS.
WHAT ABOUT DOCTOR'S ORDERS? >> Stephen: THAT'S A GOOD
POINT. >> I THOUGHT SO.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A GOOD POINT.
THAT'S A GOOD POINT. A DUMB POINT, BUT A GOOD POINT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. >> THANK YOU.
( APPLAUSE ) ABOUT THE DOHA ACCORDS THAT WERE
PART OF THE WITHDRAWAL FROM AFGHANISTAN LAST YEAR.
>> TOMMY, TAKE THIS ONE. >> Stephen: OKAY, YOU'RE GOING
TO TAKE THIS ONE? >> SURE.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE THE TALIBAN AGREED TO "NOT ALLOW
GROUPS, INCLUDING AL QAEDA, TO USE THE SOIL OF AFGHANISTAN TO
THREATEN SECURITY OF THE UNITED STATES."
SHOCKER: THE TALIBAN LIED TO US. >> YES, THEY DID.
>> Stephen: OKAY, HOW DO YOU INCENTIVIZE COMPLIANCE TO THAT
KIND OF AGREEMENT, OTHER THAN SENDING THE FLYING STEAK KNIVES,
WHICH WE DID? >> I THINK THE KEY POINT HERE IS
PRESIDENT BIDEN WAS RIGHT TO END THE WAR IN AFGHANISTAN AFTER
DECADES. I THINK WHAT THIS-- YOU CAN CLAP
FOR THAT. ( APPLAUSE )
TRUSTED THE TALIBAN TO LIVE UP TO THEIR COMMITMENTS, NOR SHOULD
WE. BUT WHAT THIS OPERATION SNOWS MY
MIND IS YOU DON'T NEED 100,000 TROOPS IN COUNTRIES ALL AROUND
THE WORLD TO CONDUCT COUNTERTERRORISM OPERATIONS.
AND I THINK THAT'S A GOOD LESSON FOR THE UNITED STATES TO LEARN.
( APPLAUSE ) ALL RIGHT.
AND ANOTHER FOREIGN POLICY NEWS-- JUST JUMP IN HERE ANY
TIME, YOU GUYS-- IN OTHER FOREIGN POLICY NEWS, SPEAKER
PELOSI LANDED LANDED IN TAIWAN Y FOR A TRIP THAT MILITARY
LEADERS-- NOT ONLY CHINESE MILITARY LEADERS BUT AMERICAN
MILITARY LEADERS SAID WAS NOT A GREAT IDEA FOR HER TO GO.
>> LOOK, I KNOW IT'S A CONTROVERSIAL TRIP, BUT GIVEN
THE WAY HER HUSBAND DRIVES, I THINK IT'S EXCITING WHEN SHE
GETS ANYWHERE, YOU KNOW. >> WOW.
>> Stephen: I READ THE NEWS. >> WOW.
>> Stephen: SOME OF THE AUDIENCE READS THE NEWS AS WELL.
>> I'M SO SORRY. >> HOW DO YOU GUYS FEEL ABOUT
THAT. HE HAD A B.U.I.
IT'S A JOKE ABOUT HIS D.U.I. TOMMY, UP TO THE TAKE THIS ONE.
>> THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: WHY DO YOU THINK SHE WENT ANYWAY?
IF BOTH THE CHINESE SAID DON'T GO AND THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION
WAS SAYING, "PLEASE DON'T GO," WHY DO YOU THINK SHE WENT.
>> NANCY PELOSI HAS BEEN A FIERCE CRITIC OF THE CHINESE
COMMUNIST PARTY'S HUMAN RIGHTS RECORDS.
AND I THINK SHE THOUGHT I'M NOT GOING TO LET THEM TELL ME WHEN
AND WHERE I TRAVEL. ARE THERE RISKS ASSOCIATED WITH
THIS TRIP? YES.
HAVE THE CHINESE RESPONDED IN WAYS THAT INFLAMMATORY AND COULD
THEY DO MORE? YES.
I DON'T WANT TO TELL NANCY WHAT TO DO.
I DON'T HAVE THE STONES TO THAT. DO YOU?
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK, BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I
WILL TALK TO JON FAVREAU, JON LOVETT, AND TOMMY VIETOR ABOUT
THE UPCOMING MIDTERM ELECTIONS. STICK AROUND.
( APPLAUSE ). WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE HOSTS
OF "POD SAVE AMERICA." JON LOVETT, JON FAVREAU, AND
TOMMY VIETOR. DEMOCRATS ARE FEELING A BIT OF
WHIPLASH OVER THEIR EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT OR LACK THEREOF TO
JOE MARCHON FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS NOW, THEY WEREN'T SURE HOW
TO FEEL ABOUT HIM. AND RECENTLY THEY THOUGHT
( BLEEP ) THAT GUY BECAUSE HE KILLED THE CLIMATE LEGISLATION
FOREVER. HE SAID NEVER GOING TO DO THE
"BUILD BACK BETTER," AND THEN, BANG!
HE DOES IT. YOU GUYS NEVER DOUBTED HIM,
RIGHT? >> NEVER!
>> Stephen: YOU GUYS NEVER DOUBTED HIM.
>> WE HAVE BEEN TELLING PEOPLE FOR YEARS THAT JOE MANCHION
WOULD COME THROUGH IN THE END. >> THE MAN HAS THE SOUL OF A
POET. >> SURE!
SURE, LIKE, IF YOU UPSET HIM, HE WILL BOIL THE OCEANS.
BUT, JON, YOU WANT TO TAKE THIS ONE?
>> YEAH, NO. >> LOOK, I THINK THAT HE WAS
PERSUADED THAT THIS IS THE-- MIGHT BE THE LAST CHANCE,
LITERALLY THE LAST CHANCE TO SAVE THE PLANET, AND THAT HE
COULD HELP DO THAT WITH A BILL THAT WAS ALSO GOOD FOR THE
ECONOMY, GOOD FOR WEST VIRGINIA, AND ALSO GOOD FOR HIS OWN
POLITICS. AND I THINK IT'S A GOOD LESSON
TO, LIKE, NEVER GIVE UP ON VOTING, NEVER GIVE UP ON
ORGANIZING, NEVER GIVING UP ON PERSUASION, BECAUSE, LIKE,
40,000 TO 50,000 VOTES GO THE OTHER WAY IN GEORGIA, AND WE'RE
NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS CLIMATE BILL ANYMORE.
AND NOW WE ARE BECAUSE JOE MARCHIAN IS THERE AND WE DIDN'T
GIVE UP ON PERSUADING HIM AND FELLOW DEMOCRATS DIDN'T GIVE UP
ON PERSUADING HIM. WE WERE PRETTY ANGRY WITH HIM.
SOME PEOPLE WANTED TO KICK HIM OUT OF THE PARTY, TAKE AWAY HIS
COMMITTEE ASSIGNMENTS. THAT HAPPENED, WE WOULDN'T BE
TALKING ABOUT A CLIMATE BILL RIGHT NOW.
AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU HAVE TO NEVER GIVE UP ON TRYING TO
PERSUADE SOMEONE. >> Stephen: HOW GOOD IS THIS
BILL? >> SO, I KNOW WE'VE BEEN HURT BY
POLITICS, WE'RE WOUNDED BIRDS, SO WHEN I WENT AND LOOKED AT THE
DETAILS I EXPECTED TO FIND A ( BLEEP ).
YOU EXPECT TO FIND MONEY FOR HOUSEBOATS, THAT KIND OF THING.
>> Stephen: SURE. >> IT'S SURPRISINGLY GOOD.
IT'S SURPRISINGLY FORWARD-LOOKING AND REALLY
POSITIVE STEP ON CLIMATE CHANGE. WHEN PRESIDENT BIDEN-- PRESIDENT
BIDEN SET A GOAL AND THE GOAL WAS TO REDUCE EMISSIONS BY 50%
OF THE AMOUNT WE'RE EMITTING IN 2005.
IT WAS AN AMBITIOUS GOAL. IT TYKE LOT OF ACTIVISTS TO PUSH
BIDE TONE TAKE THAT POSITION. THE EXPERTS SAY THIS WILL GET U
31% TO 44% OF THAT REDUCTION. THAT'S PRETTY IMPRESSIVE, AND IT
DOES IT BY INVESTING IN THINGS THAT WILL CUT A BUNCH OF
POLLUTION AND TERRIBLE STUFF THAT JUST MAKES LIFE WORSE AND
SHORTER FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE. AND THAT'S, OBVIOUSLY, ANATHEMA
TO THE REPUBLICANS. THAT'S THEIR MIDTERM SLOGAN--
"WE'LL MAKE LIFE WORSE AND SHORTER."
END OF THOUGHT. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: HOLD AT SECOND BASE.
JUST HOLD AT SECOND-- SECOND BASE.
THERE IS SOME DRILLING IN THERE, RIGHT?
THERE IS STILL MONEY FOR DRILLING.
>> YEAH, THERE IS. TO GET MARCHIANS VOTE.
A CLIMATE GROUP RAN THE NUMBERS AND BASICALLY FOR EVERY ONE TON
OF CARBON EMISSIONS GENERATED FROM THE OIL AND GAS PROVISIONS,
24 TONS OF CARBON EMISSIONS ARE TAKEN OUT OF THE ATMOSPHERE FROM
THIS BILL. >> Stephen: I'LL TAKE THAT
RATIO. >> IT'S A MUCH BETTER BILL ON
BALANCE. >> IT'S NOT PERFECT, BUT IT'S
GOOD. >> I WOULD RATHER-- LOOK, I
WOULD RATHER US, FULLY WIND AND SOLAR TODAY, BUT IF WE'RE GOING
TO SEEK OIL AND GAS OUT AND I WOULD RATHER DO IT HERE THAN GO
TO SAUDI ARABIA. >> Stephen: HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT THE FIST BUM? HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE BIDEN
FIST BUMP WITH MBSGILOVED IT. I THOUGHT IT WAS GREAT.
>> Stephen: IT HAD TO HAVE BEEN THOUGHT OUT?
"WHAT DO WE DO, HANDSHAKE, SHIMMY?"
>> THERE WAS A SMIRK. >> THE PICTURE WAS BAD.
>> YOU SHAKE HANDS WITH PEOPLE YOU LIKE, DON'T LIKE.
A FIST BUMP IT IS SORT OF A CELEBRATION.
I KNOW IT WAS A COVID THING. >> Stephen: SENATE REPUBLICANS
FELT BURNED THAT THE DEMOCRATS DID SOMETHING CLEVER.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: AND THEY HAD A
UNIQUE RESPONSE. THEY APPARENTLY DECIDED TO TAKE
OUT THEIR ANGER ON SICK VETERANS BY KILLING SOME OF THE FUNDING
FOR-- FOR INSTANCE, PART OF IT WAS FOR THE PEOPLE WHO HAD BEEN
EXPOSED IN BURN PITS. WHERE DOES THIS FALL IN THE
SCALE OF POLITICAL GAMES THAT YOU'VE SEEN OR CYNICAL BEHAVIOR
THAT YOU'VE SEEN OVER THE LAST 20-ODD YEARS YOU'VE BEEN DOING
THIS? >> GOOD QUESTION.
>> IT'S HARD TO BEAT INCITING INSURRECTION, YOU KNOW, IN TERMS
OF CYNICAL GAMES. BUT, YOU KNOW, THEY'RE TRYING.
>> YEAH, THEY'RE TRYING-- LISTEN, SO YOU SORT OF ALLUDED
TO IT. THIS IS A BILL THAT PROVIDES
HEALTHCARE TO VETERANS SERVING IN IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN AND
INHALED FUMES FROM THESE BURN PITS-- PLASTICS, PAINT, THINGS
YOU SHOULDN'T BE BURNING. THERE WERE HUGE INCIDENTS OF
CANCER AND DEADLY DECEASES POPPING UP IN THESE OTHERWISE
YOUNG, HEALTHY VETERANS. THIS WILL EXPEDITE HEALTHCARE
AND DISABILITY BENEFITS FOR THESE MEN AND WOMEN.
THE BILL PASSED 82-14, OVERWHELMINGLY BIPARTISAN IN THE
SENATE. AND THEN SCHUMER AND MANCHIN DID
SOMETHING INTELLIGENT AND THE REPUBLICANS GOT MAD AND A BUNCH
OF THEM VOTED AGAINST IT. IT IS ONE OF THE MOST HORRIBLE,
INCOHERENT, POLITICALLY SUPER-DELEGATE THINGS I'VE EVER
SEEN IN MY LIFE, AND I'M HOPING THEY'LL FIX IT SOON.
>> Stephen: THERE'S GOING TO BE ANOTHER VOTE.
>> YES. >> BASICALLY, THE REPUBLICANS
JUST FOLDED. McCONNELL SAID TODAY, LIKE,
YEAH-- THERE WAS SOME LEGISLATIVE BACK AND FORECAST.
WE'RE FINE NOW. WE'RE GOING TO VOTE FOR IT.
>> Stephen: SO THEY REALIZED THAT THEY WERE STUPID.
>> THEY REALIZED THEY WERE NOT ONLY CRUEL BUT POLITICALLY
STUPID. >> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUT
THE POSSIBLE CONTROL OF CONGRESS.
IT'S GOING TO BE-- THE PRIMARIES, AS I SAID, FIVE OF
THEM TODAY ACROSS THE UNITED STATES.
AND, OF COURSE, THE MIDTERMS COMING UP.
PUNNEDITZ OFTEN SAY-- ARE YOU GUYS PUNNEDITZ?
ARE YOU OFFICIALLY PUNNEDITZ? SO PUNNEDITZ OFTEN SAY MIDTERMS
ARE OFTEN REFERENDUMS ON THE CURRENT PRESIDENT.
TO WHAT DEGREE IS THAT TRUE THIS TIME AND TO WHAT DEGREE IS IT A
REFERENDUM ON THE PREVIOUS PRESIDENT WHO WON'T GO AWAY?
>> I THINK IT REMAINS TO BE SEEN, BUT I THINK VOTERS NEED TO
MAKE A CHOICE HERE AND THEY NEED TO ASK THEMSELVES THE QUESTION,
LIKE, WHO'S FIGHTING FOR ME? IS IT THE GANG THAT JUST TRIED
TO STICK IT TO DYING VETERANS BECAUSE THEY WERE PISSED AT
DEMOCRATS AND CRIMINALIZED ABORTIONS AND OVERTURNED THE
LAST ELECTION AND GO AFTER GAY MARRIAGE?
OR IS IT THE PEOPLE WHO FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS HAVE BEEN
TRYING TO LOWER ENERGY COSTS, LOWER PRESCRIPTION DRUG COSTS
LOWER HEALTHCARE COSTS, ASSET PLANET, SAVE DEMOCRACY, AND MAKE
SURE THAT PEOPLE CAN MARRY WHO THEY WANT AND START FAMILIES
WHEN THEY WANT. SO I THINK--
( APPLAUSE ). MEDIA" FOUR YEARS AGO, ON THIS
SHOW, WE LAUNCHED "VOTE SAVE AMERICA" WHICH IS A WAY FOR
EVERYONE TO GET INVOLVED AND HELP IN THE MIDTERMS.
YOU CAN VOLUNTEER. YOU CAN ORGANIZE.
ALREADY THIS YEAR WE HAVE SURPASSED THE NUMBER OF SIGN-UPS
WE HAD IN 2018 FOR VOLUNTEERS. IF YOU WANT TO GO TO SIGN UP,
YOU CAN GET INVOLVED IN THE MIDTERMS.
>> Stephen: TOMMY, JON NEW EPISODES OF
"POD SAVE AMERICA" ARE RELEASED TUESDAYS AND THURSDAYS.
JON FAVREAU, JON LOVETT, AND TOMMY VIETOR, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN BIANCA CRISTOVAO.
FOLKS MY NEXT GUEST IS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN FROM
LOS ANGELES MAKING HER LATE- NIGHT DEBUT.
PLEASE WELCOME BIANCA CRISTOVAO. >> HELLO!
HELLO, HELLO! I AM FROM THE CHZECH REPUBLIC,
AND WHEN I TELL PEOPLE THEY ARE USUALLY SHOCKED.
AND SO WAS I WHEN I WAS BORN IN THE WHITEST PART OF THIS PLANET.
CZECH RUBBING IS IN EASTERN EUROPE FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO WENT
TO PUBLIC SCHOOLS. IT IS VERY BEAUTIFUL, VERY
RACIST COUNTRY. IF YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO EUROPE,
JUST IMAGINE IDAHO, WITH CASTLES.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT BACK IN CZECH, I USED TO BE
A DOCTOR. THAT'S A LIE I USED TO SAY WHEN
I WORKED FOR UBER AND I WANTED BETTER TIPS.
( LAUGHTER ) NOT EVEN CLOSE.
ALTHOUGH, I USED TO BE CLOSE TO A LOT OF DOCTORS.
I USED TO DATE THEM IN CZECH, NOT HERE, NOT IN AMERICA.
IT IS VERY HARD TO MEET DOCTORS IN AMERICA IF YOU DON'T HAVE
HEALTH INSURANCE. ( LAUGHTER )
LIKE, IT'S SO EASY IN CZECH. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO, YOU GO TO A
HOSPITAL, YOU FIND A CUTE DOCTOR, YOU MAKE UP AN ILLNESS,
AND YOU JUST KEEP COMING BACK. YOU KEEP COMING BACK.
YOU KEEP COMING BACK, UNTIL HE ASKS YOU OUT.
AND IT'S COVERED BY THE INSURANCE, BY THE WAY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( LAUGHTER )
GROW UP IN A COUNTRY WITH FREE HEALTHCARE.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I WOULD VISIT MY GYNECOLOGIST JUST TO
FEEL SEEN. ( LAUGHTER )
GONE THROUGH A HORRIBLE BREAKUP ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO, AND SHE WAS
TELLING ME THE OTHER DAY, SHE WAS LIKE, "BIANCA, NOBODY HAS
SEEN ME NAKED IN TWO YEARS." I SAID, YOU NEED TO COME TO
EUROPE WITH ME. I KNOW A GUY.
HE WILL LOOK AT IT AND TELL YOU IF YOU HAVE CANCER."
BUT I'M NOT COMPLAINING ABOUT AMERICA.
I'M JUST TELLING YOU WHAT IT'S LIKE SOMEWHERE ELSE.
I'M AN IMMIGRANT, AND AS AN IMMIGRANT I NEVER COMPLAIN ABOUT
AMERICA. BECAUSE THAT'S THE NUMBER-ONE
FIGHT CLUB RULE FOR IMMIGRANTS IN AMERICA.
YOU DO NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT AMERICA!
YOU DO NOT! DON'T, DON'T EVEN TRY!
ONCE IN MY LIFE, I WHISPERED, REALLY, I WAS LIKE, "I-- I DON'T
KNOW, MAYBE COLLEGES COULD BE FREE?"
AND THEN EVERYONE WAS LIKE, SHUT UP!
GO BACK TO YOUR OWN COUNTRY IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT!
GO BACK, GO BACK, YOU FILTHY LITTLE IMMIGRANT."
AND I WAS LIKE, "NO, YOU GO." "YOU GO BACK TO MY OWN COUNTRY.
WE'VE GOT COLLEGES FOR FREE." ( LAUGHTER )
I'M THINKING ABOUT GETTING BOTOX BECAUSE MY MOTHER IS WHITE.
THE GENETICS IS NOT LOOKING GOOD.
I'M CRACKING A LITTLE. MY MOM IS WHITE, BLOND HAIR,
BLUE EYES. I HAVE NEVER MET MY FATHER, BUT
I'M GUESSING HE'S NOT. ( LAUGHTER )
IT REALLY IS. BECAUSE WE LOOK NOTHING LIKE OUR
PARENTS. LIKE, ALL MIXED RACE KIDS LOOK
LIKE... LENNY KRAVITZ.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE AS A CHILD, ALL YOU WANT
TO BE IS LIKE YOUR PARENTS. THAT'S ALL YOU WANT TO BE.
AND YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE NOT.
AND THEN NOBODY CARES. NOBODY SYMPATHIZES WITH US.
NOBODY'S CONCERNED WITH OUR PAIN BECAUSE WE ARE GORGEOUS.
( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF GORGEOUS, YOU GUYS
SHOULD SEE MY OLDER BROTHER. HE LOOKS LIKE THE GUY FROM
"BRIDGER TON." HAVE YOU SEEN THAT NASTY SHOW?
NASTY! SO AFTER MY BEAUTIFUL MOM HAD ME
AND MY OLDER BROTHER, SHE GOT A LITTLE COCKY.
I'M NOT GOING TO LIE. SHE WAS LIKE, "MAYBE I'M A
GODDESS AND I CAN HAVE BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN WITH ANYONE."
AND THEN SHE HAD MY LITTLE HALF-BROTHER WITH A WHITE GUY,
AND SHE CALLS IT-- AND I JUST QUOTE-- A HUMBLING EXPERIENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) SHE WAS LIKE, "BIANCA, JUST SO
YOU KNOW, YOUR LITTLE BROTHER, THAT WAS KIND OF AN ACCIDENT.
I WAS YOUNG AND DUMB." AND I'M LIKE, MOM, YOU WERE 43,
AND YOU DID SIX ROUNDS OF I.V.F. WHAT YOU CALL AN ACCIDENT, THE
DOCTOR CALLED A MIRACLE." BUT IT IS TOUGH, YOU KNOW.
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT COMES OUT OF YOU, RIGHT.
THAT'S WHY MY BOYFRIEND IS MIXED RACE, TOO.
LIKE, GUYS, LOOK, I THINK, I IMAGINE, I HOPE, I COULD HAVE
BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN WITH ANYONE, RIGHT?
BUT THERE'S NO NEED TO TAKE THAT RISK, YOU KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) WE DON'T.
LIKE, SO FAR WE KNOW THREE THINGS-- IF YOU MIX BLACK PERSON
AND BLACK PERSON, YOU HAVE EXCELLENCE.
IF YOU MIX BLACK PERSON AND WHITE PERSON, YOU HAVE GORGEOUS.
I TOLD YOU THAT. AND THEN IF YOU MIX WHITE PERSON
AND WHITE PERSON, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE SOMEONE WHO IS GOING TO
HAVE A HARD TIME GETTING INTO AN IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL THESE DAYS.
( LAUGHTER ) GET IN.
AND IT SUCKS KNOW-- IF IT'S TRUE.
IT'S UNCOOL. IT'S UNCOOL.
BUT AS AN AMERICAN NOW, I'M LIKE, "GO BACK TO YOUR OWN
COUNTRY IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT. GO BACK, GO BACK, YOU FILTHY
LITTLE IMMIGRANTS!" THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN SEE BIANCA PERFORMING REGULARLY AT THE
COMEDY STORE AND LARGO THEATER IN LOS ANGELES.
BIANCA CRISTOVAO, EVERYBODY! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE RON HOWARD AND STAR OF
"THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RINGS OF POWER," MORFYDD CLARK.
GOOD NIGHT.